#time flies by when your having an existential crisis

[that-ari-blogger]

Wicked's Existential Crisis

Deception is a big theme in Wicked. I don't think this is news to many people. The wizard is a wizard, truth is truth, happy is what happens when all your dreams come true.

Galinda embodies this pretty heavily, but so does Fiyero, although they do so in similar ways. They both lie to others, and realise that they have been lying to themselves later on.

But, you need a baseline before you get to character development. You need a benchmark for everyone to either move up or down from, depending on the genre.

In my opinion, Dancing Through Life establishes that benchmark, while asking a few more philosophical questions as it does.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD

"Dancing through life, Down at the Oz Dust If only because dust Is what we come to. Nothing matters, But knowing nothing matters, It's just life So keep dancing through"

Fiyero, buddy, friend, pal... are you ok?

Dancing Through Life is the introduction of Fiyero, and there is a enormous difference between what he is saying and how he is saying it.

That dust line is actually a biblical allusion, with various Judeo-Christian books and prayers claiming that G-d created humans from dust, and that when someone dies, they return to that dust. Hence the "ashes to ashes, dust to dust" saying (source). So, Fiyero is nihilistic.

"Nothing matters, so why bother trying" is such a morbid idea, and its usually associated with emo music, either lots of drums and raw emotions, or quiet and sad. So, when Fiyero sings it as a musical theatre, bombastic full orchestra song, his message flies under the radar because it is so dissonant with the style.

That's the key here. Most of the time, people are nuanced, and stereotypes do not encompass the human experience at all. The emotionally confused or depressed or spiraling person isn't the one who sits in the moonlight writing sappy poetry, it's the person who manages to hide it the most easily because they've been doing it for the longest.

Fiyero is putting up a mask to hide his insecurities, and he is doing it by... not wearing a mask?

Lampshading is the practice of softening elements in a piece of media, letting the audience know that something is out of order or farcical, and turning it into a joke. Overly Sarcastic Productions (@comicaurora) has a video explaining the trope in detail.

In a weird way, this is what Fiyero is doing. He is turning his own crisis into a joke. He doesn't have to hide it if he can poke fun at it. He becomes self-referential, and tells people to move on past the words he is saying and focus on the fun dancing and music.

I see where Fiyero is coming from, here. Purpose is difficult to find in this world, and it definitely seems like neither good or bad are rewarded, and luck will do what it will. But I would like to present a counter point.

Everything Everywhere All At Once was easily the most emotionally powerful film of 2022, and it also discussed nihilism in detail. I don't want to get into plot spoilers, but this movie asks the question: If nothing matters, then what?

And the answer to this is clear: Everything. In a Cinema Therapy video on the film, Johnothan Decker states this:

"If nothing we do matters, then the only thing that matters is what we do."

Actions have whatever meaning we ascribe to them, and if we ascribe no meaning to anything, then everything has meaning on the same level. If nothing matters, then everything matters.

This segways into another core question of the musical and especially this song. Do intentions matter?

Galinda and Elphaba have a comedy of errors with the gift giving, specifically when Galinda sets up Nessa with Boq, and Elphaba arranges for her to receive a wand in return, contrasted with the infamous hat.

Galinda does things for personal gain, and accidentally makes someone's life slightly better for a moment, and Boq kind of does the same. Neither of the two cares about Nessarose, but they bring her happiness in the short term.

"We deserve each other, and Galinda helped it come true."

I mentioned in my post about The Wizard And I that this theme comes up there first, in association with meeting the wizard, and I think there is something else to it than just deception. Don't get me wrong, this is deception at work, Elphaba with the Wizard and Nessa with everyone around her. But that lie has a positive result here, for the moment.

It also separates the consequences from the intention. Elphaba sees the wizard and wants to improve the world, her hopes are on rocky foundations, but her actions are strong, and I have already mentioned what Galinda's actions do.

However, I would argue that intentions do matter, and that this musical agrees with me, and that is with Boq, a person whom I despise.

As a character, Boq is fascinating. He is a direct satire of the hopeless romantic of stereotypical fairy tales, think Ariel from The Little Mermaid, or Lancelot from the 1963 movie, Lancelot and Guenevere. Boq is trying desperately to court someone who does not care about him and has someone who does care fall from the sky in front of him, but he can't see past himself.

Now, pining is all well and good, you are allowed to pine, and if someone is attracted to you, there is no law that says you must be attracted back. But Boq goes a step further.

"It's because I'm in this chair and you felt sorry for me. Isn't that right?" "No! No! It's because you are so beautiful."

Boq had an opportunity to back out of the romance handed to him on a silver platter. He could have said it was just a dance, or even confessed that Galinda put him up to it, if he so desired. But Boq made a choice to keep stringing Nessarose along. He may have his reasons, but I think his actions are not excusable, and the gut punch at the end of the musical when he tells her that he never cared is a betrayal that could have been so easily avoided.

Boq and Fiyero go on to become key players in the "death" of the Wicked Witch of the West, and they do so for alternative reasons, and it reframes Dorothy's journey.

For a more nuanced explanation of what I mean, consider this: In 2019, youtuber Hbomberguy (Harry Brewis) raised $347000 for a Brittish charity organisation called Mermaids in a livestream of Donkey Kong 64, and he gave a speech in October of that year about why he did such a thing.

"I think secretly, we're always making one of two decisions, and we make that decision even if we don't know we're making it. You're either choosing to make life worse for someone you don't like, or better for people you care about. There is an actual difference, and I didn't realise I made the wrong choice until a lot of people came over and helped change the choice retrospectively."

What you are trying to do matters, because if you keep trying to do good, even if you hit roadblocks, if you are truly committed, you will eventually do some good in the world.

I actually like Brewis' definition of right and wrong here, because it isn't overly philosophical, it pertains to individual actions. You either make someone else's life better or worse.

I have been rambling around my point for a while, so let me make it concise. Dancing Through Life asks philosophical questions about life. What matters? Is it you? Is it your actions? Is it your intentions?

Final Thoughts

There are two other things I need to mention before I finish. First up, the extras are some of the best parts of this musical, and in this song, that is driven home. Everything comes across as so superficial, and not in a "that's bad acting" way, but in a "that's an actor playing a character who is acting" way. This carries over to Galinda's entire style of talking, but the extras knock it out of the park here. It means that the only sincere moments in the song hit with the relevant weight. Those being Elphaba and Nessa's conversation, and the Elphaba dance (something remarkably difficult to find images of).

That dance is the moment I see Glinda x Elphaba (I still refuse to use the Gelphie ship name) actually taking off, rather than in What Is This Feeling, because it's the first moment that the two see eye to eye, and Galinda finally understands Elphaba. She earns her friendship and trust by trying to make up for her mistakes. Galinda talks a lot, but actions speak louder than words, and that dance kicks off a love story.

Next week, I will be diving into Popular, a number that really takes apart the theming to an overt level only matched by one other song, and we will get to that one soon.

Previous - Next

[mamawasatesttube]

YJ all living in the same dorm/frat house in college would be amazing. What do you think everyone’s majors/clubs/athletics would be?

assuming this is still like... main universe-adjacent and they all still have powers etc. yknow i think cassie has a giant existential crisis because she doesn't know what she's gonna do with her life other than be wonder girl and that will NOT fly with her mom bc helena absolutely wants her to have a normal life as much as she can. late-night conversations at the kitchen counter where she confides that she has no idea what she wants to do and helena sits with her and tells her she has time but she does expect her to go to college and do something, even if she doesn't have to have it all figured out right yet. all of this to say i think cassie goes in undeclared. also i think she should be on the volleyball team.

tim in college is smth i was actually talking abt with moss and britta just the other day. he of course is an insane engineering major who skateboards to class with a naruto-themed energy drink in hand only to fall asleep there 14 minutes into the lecture. also he's wearing a blazer and formal shorts bc he's like I Am Getting A Good Grade In Presentable Student :) and theres just something wrong with him. he has to join an engineering student study group bc its the only thing that actually gets him to bother doing his homework even if hes a whiz at the actual content. hes a disaster but he cant drop out he wants to hang with his besties plus lucius was like listen you can work at WE r&d and tinker with shit to your heart's desire but you do need at least a bachelor's of mechanical engineering to do that even if i know you know your stuff. and tim was like well i guess that's fair :/ hey squad i can sugar daddy us an apartment near met u lets all get an education

kon... well i think he also has a crisis (see also: sotm) but eventually i do like him going into teaching or stuff with kids in general. im always bouncing btwn him being a childrens librarian or a high school biology teacher. he WILL tell all these kids about star trek or so help him god. i feel like he wouldn't really go for most athletics bc he'd be too worried about making sure he doesn't excel too unnaturally BUT just for me, i think he and bart should join the ballroom dance team together. i think they would have so much fun doing jive in particular

as for bart. well the thing about bart is that he could literally do anything he wants to? the real question is what subject would hold his attention consistently over several years. i think the answer is either computer science or theoretical physics. possibly both i think he might double major. he's also terrible at remembering to do his homework etc but he flies through it when he bothers to. and he and kon join the ballroom team together :)!!!

[book-girl4evaaa]

Quotes from my best friend:

She's funny ok? (I'm blue btw) Ok look:

"Time flies when you're having an existential crisis!"

"if we give greg the panda a sword will he protect us in mortal combat from our enemies?"

"snazzy," "jazzy," "enthusiazzy. Wait that's not a word," "is now,"

"I made you question your sexuality? That's the sweetest thing anyones ever said to me,"

(after her mum cusses out the television) "something pressing you, mother?"

"[real name] steal his kneecaps for me please and thank you,"

"my hair would be so pretty if it was different hair,"

"blue is the colour of souls. I am blueeee"

"I hope your bread always tastes wet. How's that for trash talk?"

"we've had red pandas. Now, I'm a blue panda,"

(after she had an argument with someone) "that was a burn," "that was a barbecue."

"if you say 'pathetic' enough it sounds like 'poetic.'" "thats pathetically poetic" "or poetically pathetic."

[toomuchracket]

omg it was my birthday a couple of days ago too, both taurus!! I ended up drunkenly crying on a night out in a club on my birthday (lol) so I just have this image of you and Ross having the most lovely night out, just the two of you, going to a takeaway place after, waiting for a taxi in the rain at like 4am and you both just being all over each other and so in love, and he’s so sweet and made your birthday so special. maybe he requested your favourite songs to the dj and danced with you all night, and when you get home you’re just so happy and all warm and fuzzy <3

happy birthday by the way angel!!

omg taurus angel i hope you had a good day (aside from the drunk crying. mood tho lol)!! this is so so cute!! i always think the best nights out are the impromptu ones, so i'm thinking that the two of you have had a really lovely day, gone out for a huge fancy lunch, then to a bar with the intent of having a few drinks then heading home. and the night just flies in, because you're having such a good time (and you and ross, sappy cuties that you are, keep getting lost in each other's eyes), so much so that neither of you want to go home when the bar staff call for last orders. ross is like "you know, we could go out out, if you want, babe" and you're like "clubbing? alright!", so you go and queue for a nearby nightclub. ross has to subtly kiss your neck as a distraction technique to prevent you having an existential crisis about your age when you end up behind a group of newly-eighteen-year-olds, and as soon as you both get in he drags you to the bar to do a shot or two to relax lol. and it works - you have a great night dancing with him (he defo makes sure to request some of your fave songs lol) and drinking weird nightclub cocktails (would pay to see any member of the 1975 drink a venom actually) and befriending random girls in the toilets when they tell you how pretty you are and compliment your dress (mvps, truly). i do think you'd leave a teeny bit earlier than 4am, but not for tiredness reasons - the grinding on your boyfriend and the making out in the smoking area really gets to you both (if you catch my drift), and you drag ross out of the club at 2:30, ready to jump into a taxi and then jump him as soon as you both get through your front door lol. but then you clock the takeaway across the road as soon as you get outside and you're like "ok babe i love you and i really do want you, but i also really want a munchie box (THE post-night out food don't @ me)", and ross laughs and he's like "right, well, we can get one if you promise to share the chips with me" and you're tipsy like "you're the love of my life i'll always share my chips with you!!" and then you make out again for a bit until it starts raining and you have to run for cover in the takeaway lol. and you get your food, and the two of you stand in this random doorway contentedly eating chips and naan and pakora and then having another smoke before walking to the taxi rank. it's still raining, and the queue is long, but neither you or ross care - you're too busy snuggling into ross' chest sleepily, him asking you if you've had a nice birthday and you saying "the best", to care. and yeah, you don't end up having sex when you get home because you're so tired, but you're both so content just cuddling lovingly and spooning to sleep that it doesn't matter <3

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #42

My brain has felt like mashed potatoes all day today. I think it's because I'm a bit short on sleep, and also because I probably didn't drink enough water. Oh well. I'll try a little harder not to slip up with the self-care tomorrow.

Following talk therapy today (in which we made it a point to play cards - to give me a lesson in deliberately taking the time to be non-productive, which is a thing I very much struggle with), I tried my very best to actually chill today. I think I managed; I played Terraria with my lovely friend from Germany, and it was very good.

But you know? On days like this, I feel very similar to the Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant.

…Wow. I'm sorry. That probably just sounded like word salad to you. Okay, uh… let me see if I can try to explain…

The Ancient Psychic Tandem War Elephant (I'll call him Elly for short) was created as an extremely powerful creature of destruction to be commanded without regard for his own wishes, needs, or sentience.

…I suppose that makes him a lot like you, at least in that regard.

A righteous adventurer named Finn and his friend Jake were having a rough time, and so Finn got it in his head to wish for Elly's help. And Elly did help, but Finn didn't want a slave. I don't think Elly understood this very well because he was so used to being an extension of someone else's will instead of having his own. So Elly ends up sitting idle in Finn's treasure room, purposeless because Finn has no interest in commanding him to destroy things. Here:

Pay no attention to the coin or the fact that Finn and Jake are about to spend it. Instead pay attention to the notion that, despite the fact that being out of the money room is no fault of Elly's, he still said, "I'm sorry, master; you told me to stay inside the money room, but now I am outside. What is your punishment, master?"

…This is something I understand on a very deep level. And I have a funny feeling that you do too, don't you? I'm sorry if you know what it is. But at the same time, if you do know what it is, then I'm not sorry that I also know what it is, because then that means you're not alone, and neither am I.

In any case, the next thing that struck me was Elly's very literal, reluctantly-going-through-the-motions type of acquiescence to Finn's non-desire of a slave - as expressed with his very confused, "I continue to chill," near the end of the video.

And… I feel that in my bones, because I know Elly's not really "chilling". Elly feels confused and as though he has lost his purpose. He does not understand a world in which he is not treated like an object.

Later, Finn asks for Elly's help against a powerful opponent (Darren). Elly topples this foe easily with Finn's help, and knocks the person commanding this opponent (Maja) into a coma:

From there, Elly goes into a bit of an existential crisis:

And you know? Given my upbringing and the way that I was treated for such a long time, this kind of existential confusion is also something I understand well. When I first began to live with my husband, it was extremely difficult for me to adjust to the notion that he wanted a PERSON - not a slave, a toy, a tool, a piece of furniture, or an extension of his own will to command, to control, and to punish when I get it wrong. He actually cared about what I was thinking, feeling, wanting, and needing, and not just about what I could do for him. I was VERY unaccustomed to being treated as though my mind or my state of being mattered, and the uncertainty of what I was supposed to do or who I was supposed to be was incredibly painful and frightening at first. Elly flies off into the distance, bearing a kind of discomfort that used to be all too familiar to me.

But then Elly spent some time actually looking at the world around him, instead of focusing on blindly obeying whomever he feels he is supposed to be loyal to, and he seems to realize, if a little slowly, that he has a place in this world, even without needing to be "useful" to someone else:

How do you light a candle without a match, indeed? If a candle doesn't have a match, what purpose does it serve? This is further explained in this video, and it shows Elly making a decision to return to Maja; he decides that he is the master of his own fate, and decides to act upon his own values, and to be the match to his own candle:

This all ties back, of course, to the Independent Together video I showed you before, from Steven Universe. "What do I want to be? I'm the master of me…" as a phrase, somehow manages to be both empowering and terrifying at the exact same time.

I am learning how to be the match to my own candle; it is why I will keep saying "I continue to chill" until I can actually mean it for real. The world I inhabit now indeed has no place for the "ancient ways" that I learned in my past, and so I will adjust, because I am a sentient being who is capable of unlearning and relearning.

Those scientists might have created you with a particular purpose in mind. You might have been trained viciously and brutally honed into a weapon. You might have been trained to give up your autonomy and your authentic needs and desires in service to people who never really cared about you. But Sephiroth, at the end of the day, the only one who gets to decide what you will do… is you.

So will you rise to the challenge of being a match to your own candle? Will you rise up into being the master of you? You longed for a normal life. You longed for friends familial relationships. You longed for fun and for laughter. You longed for pumpkin soup. You longed for so many things. You longed for such wholesome things.

What if I told you that all it takes for you to have the things you longed for is to stop hiding your needs, feelings, wishes, thoughts, and genuine voice from others? What if I told you that you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not, just because a bunch of people who didn't care about you as much as they cared about what you could do for them fed you a really stupid definition of what "good" is supposed to look like, in service to their own shitty agenda? What if I told you that all you have to do is stop denying your own humanity and innermost nature, in favor of being the kind, loving, and gentle individual you always were?

Sephiroth, you're a PERSON, not a monster, not a tool, and not a war machine, no matter what they did to you, and no matter what you've done in the past. You're a living, breathing, sentient human being. You are a warm, soft, and squishy mammal (many of the best things are!), so please be mindful to treat yourself as such. Don't go the way of Darren; use your incredible brain to be like Elly and adjust. You can do it if you try.

So please try. Please stay safe out there as you do your things. And please use the knowledge that you're loved and cared for by me and many others in my world to grant yourself the necessary courage to make good, kind, and loving choices. I'll be over here in the meantime, waiting for you, wishing for good things upon you, cheering you on, and singing little songs for you until you come back home to us all, as I always do.

I'll write some more to you tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[bigmoneypastelhalloween]

0 hr - late jan edition

0 hr 1 - fanart credits

O hr 3 - call for fanart

0 hr 5 - vulgarity warning lol

O hr 6 - its his show, cant tiptoe all the time

0 hr 7 - merch link in description

0 hr 8 - its a catch-up program

0 hr 9 - doesnt think its going to be even an hour long

0 hr 10 - its been 12 years; "i cant believe it"

0 hr 11 - he's not in existential crisis over how time flies

0 hr 13 - as long as he has the drive and resources he'll be around

0 hr 14 - has contemplated quitting

0 hr 16 - hold or fold questions

0 hr 19 - positive feedback abounds for the work he does

0 hr 20 - having a meaningful impact on others never gets old

0 hr 23 - listeners have his gratitude

O hr 24 - giving shit a shot inspo memo

0 hr 26 - trying to make money is cursed, dont bother

0 h 28 - email addy, call for responses

0 hr 29 - resend emails he hasnt replied to

0 hr 31 - "you'll be credited however you want to be credited"

0 hr 32 - decline in fastfood quality

0 hr 34 - [nasty taco descrip] "...yknow, bon appetite. It was disgusting, it was horrible, it was disgusting" (but how was it?)

0 hr 35 - in/shrinkflation agenda truther

0 hr 36 - will people rise up against gouging, is it a conspiracy to get us to eat bugs (if so im well into letting them win)

0 hr 38 - what do listeners see fastfood turning into? Email repeat

0 hr 39 - turkey/syria earthquake news, he's rattled

0 hr 40 - no tsunami but thats the best you can say

0 hr 41 - attn listeners, have you ever been in an earthquake and if so whats the worst youve experienced? 2nd tsunami mention

0 hr 42 - segment shift, addressing feedback about covid tp hoarding

0 hr 44 - fanart transition

0 hr 45 - responding to first covid tp buyer, next email read

0 hr 46 - on reselling

0 hr 47 - "i got into the mask thing--I'll get in trouble for saying this but i dont care--i got into the mask thing back when they were telling you not to wear them"

0 hr 48 - honestly lowkey hysterical laughter about "they said not to wear one"

0 hr 49 - p sure "and thats a good thing" is the martha stewart cultural juggernaut at work

0 hr 51 - doomerism

0 hr 52 - more early mask adopter /vanguardist smugness, well deserved, somewhat cheerful relatively speaking

0 hr 55 - next email about the why of buying differently during the pandemic

0 hr 57 - its good to be prepared for natural disasters 🌠

0 hr 58 - listener email about their moms tp hoarding

0 hr 59 - j doesnt believe unity about issues is possible, "we're so disjointed these days"........holy war! Holy war! *banging on table*

1 hr - prepping is ideally a bit at a time endeavor, he's encouraging hacking away at it

1 hr 2 - next email; more abt manufactured demand and artificially driven shortage

1 hr 3 - if you'd told people a few years before covid that theyd be fighting over toilet paper theyd have said youre crazy but here we are...... Indeed.

1 hr 4 - next email, including excerpt from march 2020

1 hr 8 - responding

1 hr 10 - anything else to discuss? Covid origin headline

1 hr 13 - looking for travel vlog video abt bat viruses

1 hr 15 - discussion abt eating this bat

1 hr 16 - sounds like a lightening round of "will the honky eat it tho"/"he clearly wants to go for impact, so...."

1 hr 19 - notes abt next show

1 hr 20 - happy rest of feb & march as well

[teecupangel]

From @knine-nights-loves-ac

Daaaaaaaang Umar’s gonna have an existential crisis

From @thedragonqueen1998

Umar probably shitting himself in fear because what in Allahs name has Altaïr gotten himself into!? .... What has he gotten himself into?

Umar would work with this strange creature who seems to know the future and prays to Allah that he is not making a deal with the devil.

Desmond is absolutely amused at Umar’s ‘antics’ when he remembers that Altaïr is an atheist.

Altaïr is just happy that his father is letting him ‘keep’ his new best friend.

From @mysticalbasementwitch

Wait does this mean that he simply enters Ratonhnhaké:ton and Ziio’s home in the village and doesn’t Most likely after Ziio falls pregnant

The strange creature appears the day Haytham leaves for the last time. She thought of him as a beast at first then he started to speak.

… started to tell her of a future filled with tragedy and pain.

And she vows to change it. For the peace of her tribe and the happiness of her son.

Desmond does not stop her.

He is here to save her from her fated death. After that… he’ll play it by ear.

From @blue-cat-ter-flies-blog

Any Assassin: My friends, have you heard of Lord and Saviour, Desmond Miles? Non-Assassins: Who the fuck is that?

This is pretty much the Italian Brotherhood’s modus operandi. Every time Ezio saves someone, he goes “rejoice, my friend, for I have come with the words of our Lord and Savior, Desmond Miles!”

The funny thing? It was meant to be a joke about how Desmond is changing the future to save people. Ezio actually considers him more like a… friend who is also kinda sorta his boss.

But his recruits took it seriously.

And that’s how the Cult of Desmond Miles, the true Lord and Savior of Mankind, starts to form under Borgia rule.

“This is all your fault, you know that, right?”

“I’m the victim here, Claudia! They’re chanting my name! Oh my god, they made a kyrie about me!” Incoherent spluttering.

Has anyone suggested Desmond as the same species as red XIII from FF7 for the Desmond as an animal/creature subgenre yet

Of course, Desmond gets to be called Red XVII.

Okay, but in all seriousness, considering Red XIII’s real name Nanaki, if Desmond is ever going to get a different name for this one, it would probably be Jyuna or Hina as a reference to Subject 17 (Jyu = 10/ Hi = 1, Na = nana = 7)

For this one, I’m guessing he’s still in AC world? (although it would be fun to play with the idea that he’s one of the small children running with Red XIII in the og ending)

He’d probably be thought of as some kind of exotic feline creature until they see the flames on the end of his tail.

From there, he’d be considered some kind of mythical creature of some kind, maybe he even becomes an example of how shisa truly do exist?

In terms of appearance, I like to think he looks a lot like Red XIII with a scar on the right side of his lips and having darker red fur on his right front leg. He also has the same tattoo on his left front leg and maybe mane decorations very similar to Ratonhnhaké:ton’s?

Both of his front legs are armed with hidden blades that act more like a hidden spur that he can use to attack. The flame of his tail is also the color of the sun.

Wherever he ends up in, he’d most definitely be considered more on the side of a dangerous feline.

But you know the best part?

He can talk.

Which means he can actually converse with his ancestor.

This opens the floodgates because this means he will have an easier time to change history.

… if he wanted to.

…

It’s Desmond.

Of course, he’d want to change his ancestors’ fate at the very least.

[singledadsu]

base story:

anniversary.

♩ oops I did it again, got lost in the angst  ♩

[r0zyp0zy0zy]

Haikyuu!! Prompt list trial

HQ!! Prompt list

Words: 3000+ {oops it was meant to be 1000}

Warnings: smut! First time, nervous Yamaguchi, Tsukki bein a wingman?

Pairing: Yamaguchi Tadashi x FEM!reader

Prompt(s): 1 & 4

PART 2 IS HERE

I LOST THE ASK!! But I did copy it down so.. also this was A LOT longer than I intended

"heh, you're awfully close— a-are we going to kiss now?" And "AH! I'm sorry, I'm sorry— I didn't mean to!" With Yamaguchi please? (I was thinking maybe a first-time scenario mayhaps? It's ok if it's not!) thanks!

Yamaguchi never thought that he would be in this situation, ever. To be fair, it was mostly Tsukkishima's fault that this was about to happen. Yamaguchi probably should've kept his mouth shut about being jealous that Tsukki had lost his virginity, mostly because he forgot that Tsukki had no shame asking girls for sex; and also that he would do it for Yamaguchi. He honestly didn't even know how Tsukishima had convinced someone to hook up with Yamaguchi of all people.

"So remember when you told me you wanted to lose your virginity?" Tsukki picked at his lunch with a cheeky grin on his face.

"...yes? Why, it's not that big of a deal." Yamaguchi replied, scared of what his best friend was about to say to him.

"I got someone who wants to help you lose it," Tsukishima quirked a brow as he took a bite of his salad. "You interested?"

Yamaguchi choked on his sandwich, and he had to take a few minutes to get his food down his throat, "you- you what?!"

"Quiet, unless you want everyone in the cafeteria to know you wanna get laid," the blonde said carelessly. "So do you want to or not?"

"I-I..." Tadashi was speechless, trying to spit out a 'yes! Please yes!'. "Er, who is it?"

"Y/n," Tsukki smirked, watching his friend's mouth drop open in shock. "Careful, you'll attract flies."

"Y-you didn't straight up say that I wanted to have sex, right?!" Yamaguchi whispered.

"Nah, I just said that my buddy Yamaguchi hasn't lost his virginity yet and that I wanted to do him a favour because he's too shy and hopeless to talk to girls," Tsukishima mused. He watched the green haired boy in front of him have an existential crisis in the span of a few seconds before he gripped the sides of his own face.

"Is this real? You're not pranking me, right? You're not that much of an asshole," Yamaguchi worried in disbelief, crossing his fingers praying that his luck shone through.

"I wouldn't do that to you," Tsukishima reassured, "Hinata and Kageyama... maybe."

"Holy shit," Tadashi exasperated, "I hope to god that she's not pitying me. Or even worse! She'll come over and she'll make fun of me!"

"She will if you're into that," Tsukishima finished the last of his salad.

"You're not helping," Yamaguchi pouted, "I'm really worried."

"Yams, if I thought that she would do that than I wouldn't've asked her. Y'know, she told me that she thinks you're cute," The blonde packed up his lunch containers, "she also said that you're very sweet."

"What?!" Yamaguchi's eyes were as wide as saucers. Did she really? Is that really what she thinks of me?

"Yes. Pack up your shit, the bell's about to go," Tsukki pressed, throwing his bag over his shoulder.

So now Tadashi was in his bathroom a few hours before you were supposed to come over, his dad's electric razor in hand. He didn't exactly know how to angle his body so he could catch the falling hair on a paper towel, so he just sat himself on the toilet with his mum's vanity mirror propped on a stool.

Once Yamaguchi eventually managed to trim up, (with an unusually long 'is that what it looks like?' period of discovery), he took a shower and made sure he didn't smell. He scrubbed the hell out of his nails, and brushed his teeth squeaky clean. As he nervously awaited your arrival, he cleaned up his room and made his bed. He blushed as he laid out several condoms that Tsukki had given him, remembering the other day where he had to test them to make sure that they fit.

Yamaguchi eyed himself up and down in his mirror, trying to figure out what he should wear, (which he normally wasn't worried about at all). Should I wear boxers or briefs... will she even know the difference between the two? Should I wear a belt, or would that be too much work? Is a button-up a bit too formal for this event? Yes, ok T-shirt time.

The minutes leading up to your appearance made Yamaguchi sick to his stomach, and he tried to calm his nerves by taking deep breaths. Would he be too scrawny for her? Maybe his dick was small and he just didn't know it? Now that he thinks about it, are his nipples a bit weird? He attempted to flatten the cowlick on the top of his head, but it wouldn't comply. A 'ding' from Tadashi's phone makes him freeze, and he glanced over to peer at the screen.

Y/n: I'm here! I didn't know if I should've knocked or not

Yams: I'll be right there! One moment

Yamaguchi dropped his phone and grabbed one of his pillows before screaming into it. He delicately set it back down, and he made his way to the front door. He was lucky that his dad was working late, and that his mum was away to visit a sick relative. Otherwise, he would have a very hard time explaining your presence to them.

"Hi!" Tadashi said breathlessly as he opened the door to his home, eyes meeting with your e/c ones. God, were you beautiful.

"Hello," you replied shyly, playing with the straps of your bag.

"Come on in," Yamaguchi's chest felt tight as you took off your shoes and put on the guest slippers.

He led you to the living room, unsure if he should take you to his room so soon. He went off to prepare some tea, and his mind swirled dizzily. The two of you barley talked at school, and the past week of getting to know you over text just made Yamaguchi fall for you harder. He swallowed a lump in his throat, and brought the tea tray to the living room with shaky hands.

"Uh, I wasn't sure what you liked, so I hope blackberry is fine..." Tadashi rubbed the back of his neck, eyeing the carpet with piqued interest.

"It's fine!" You smiled gently, pulling your cup closer to you. "So anything that you want to talk about before uh, the main event?"

Yamaguchi was glad he hadn't taken a sip of his tea, because he would've sputtered like an idiot if he did, "uhm, n-not really? I'm j-just really nervous, so please take care."

"Of course! We'll go as slow as you want, no worries," you reassured, taking a sip of your tea, "y-you do have condoms, right?"

Yamaguchi stuttered again, "y-yeah". God he was awkward, getting embarrassed over damn latex.

The two of you did some studying to loosen the mood, and Tadashi started to feel just a little bit more relaxed. It was English you were studying, and since you were a speaker you helped him immensely.

"I know, i's and e's together are tricky, even for me. Most of the time the 'i' is before the 'e', but English can be a dickhead sometimes and it'll be the opposite," you leaned over the table to him as you corrected a few of his words. "But other than that, it looks great!"

Tadashi blushed at the praise, and thanked you quietly. He had to take a few moments so he could breathe normally again as he wasn't used to you being so close. His flush reddened tenfold when he noticed that your shirt seemed to have gotten pulled down a bit, exposing some of your breasts to him. He took a sharp intake of breath as he forced himself to look away.

"It's fine, Yama-kun," you giggled. "You can look all you want."

"S-sorry!" He apologized, embarrassed that you had caught him.

"C'mon, you can take a closer look," you pushed your chair back as you stood up to lean towards him, your shirt complying with gravity.

Tadashi was too flustered to speak, let alone look away from the eyeful you were giving him. You used one hand to grip both of his cheeks to pull him forward, causing him to stand up too. You guided his face so he was level to your boobs, and smiled bashfully when he let out the smallest whimper. You pulled his head up to yours, and you leaned in so your noses were almost touching.

"Heh, you're awfully close— a-are we going to k-kiss now?" Yamaguchi gulped nervously at the thought of your lips on his, and he inwardly groaned in annoyance that he was already getting hard.

"If you want to~," you smiled invitingly at him with your pretty e/c eyes as you touched noses with him.

"O-ok," he gulped, blinking harshly because of nerves.

You closed the gap and pressed your soft lips on his, kissing him slowly with purpose. You pulled away for a moment before going back in for a second taste, and you trailed your fingers down Yamaguchi's torso until you reached his waist. You gripped him gently, slowly riding your hands higher and lower. A gasp left his lips once you pulled away, and his cheeks were ferociously flushed.

"H-holy..." Tadashi mumbled, his lips still tingling from your kisses. "I didn't think it would feel so good."

"D'you mind if we head over to your room now?" You asked, chest still rising and falling a little unevenly from the kiss.

Tadashi gulped nervously as he led you to his bedroom up the stairs, trying to hide his erection so you wouldn't make fun of him for getting hard so fast. Once he locked the door behind you, he looked back to his bed where you were sitting, taking off your necklace and placing it on his side table, taking care not to tangle it. You encouraged him to come over with a beckoning of your hand, and patted beside you with the other.

"C'mon Yams don't be shy, take a seat. I won't bite," you smiled warmly at him. "Unless you want me to."

Tadashi blushed as he walked over, plopping down beside you. You turned to face him and tilted your head to indicate that you wanted to give him another kiss, he leaned closer and you gently held his face. He let out a soft whimper once your mouths collided again, and gripped the sheets under him tightly.

"Touch me, Yams," you moaned into his mouth, and Tadashi thought that he was going to pass out at your words.

He anxiously reached out his hands to grip your waist, and squeaked in surprise when you groaned against his lips, opening your mouth and gliding your tongue across his lower lip. Tadashi let your tongue graze against his, and his whole body shivered at the unfamiliar sensation. The green-haired boy tensed when he felt your hand drop from his face to his chest, which was rising and falling quickly and unevenly.

"You alright? Still want to keep going?" You asked breathlessly, toying with the neck of his T-shirt.

"Hmng," Yamaguchi struggled to formulate a sentence, "y-yes please."

"Using your manners at a time like this? You're so cute, Yams," you cooed, gliding your hand down his torso, giving him a peck on the lips as you continued down to his belt.

"C-call me Tadashi," said the young man, blushing profusely, "p-please."

"You're so cute, Ta~da~shi~," you whispered in his ear, sliding a hand between his thighs.

Yamaguchi moaned as your hand drew agonizingly closer to the strain in his jeans, desperately trying not to rut upward into your touch.

You looked into his half-lidded eyes, purring, "can I touch you, Tadashi?"

"Yes," he answered, too quick for his liking. He inwardly cringed at his eagerness, but it was soon forgotten once you trailed a finger over his clothed cock. "Hah~," he squeaked.

You took ahold of one of his hands and brought it up to your breast, squeezing it for him lightly. Apprehensively Tadashi slowly started to knead it, bringing his other hand to cup your opposite breast. He was very gentle with your assets, taking care not to clutch too harshly on the soft mounds. Tadashi had almost forgotten that your hand laid on his thigh, until you firmly gripped his package.

"Hmmgh," Yamaguchi moaned against your mouth, leaning forwards as you leaned backwards to separate your lips. He was about to apologize, for what he didn't really know, but shut up as you peeled your shirt off your body. He had dreams of this happening, and now that it was real he didn't know what to do. Tadashi blushed furiously as you gripped your own boobs, pinching at your clothed nipples.

You peered at him expectantly, but noticing his cocked head you bowed forward and grasped the hem of his shirt. Tadashi felt foolish at the fact that he forgotten he had to take his clothes off as well, and he warily helped you lift his shirt over his head. The boy huffed anxiously as your eyes drawled across his torso, his head starting to spin with embarrassment and insecurity.

"S-sorry if i-it's not what you h-hoped for," Tadashi heaved, shoving down the hot tears that were building up inside of him. He rubbed his arms as if to warm himself, cowering in apprehensiveness.

"Oh Tadashi, you're exactly what I hoped for," you hummed lowly, trailing your hands down your body to rid yourself of your pants/skirt. He gulped in relief and arousal, watching carefully as you rubbed up and down your torso, occasionally playing with the hem of your undies.

You reached forward to grab his belt, undoing it with a jingle. You threw it onto the floor and dove back down to unbutton Tadashi's jeans, licking your lips in excitement. Just the sight alone made him groan, feeling as though he could cum any second. He watched you with wide, curious eyes when you slowly unzipped his pants. You grinned wildly once you finally rid Yamaguchi of his pants, and gently palmed him through his boxers.

"M-maybe you shouldn't do t-that," Tadashi stuttered as you continued to rub his clothed, twitching cock. "I- I don't wanna f-finish too fast and then we c-can't, uh, y'know..."

You hummed in understanding, and slid away from the dark haired boy. Tadashi awaited the reveal of your breasts as you teasingly struggled with your bra, and you saw him lean in a little closer. He watched in awe as you exposed your tits to him, continuing down to your underwear. Yamaguchi gulped when you peeled them off, staring at the slick string of your juices connecting you to the piece of clothing.

Tadashi was frozen in place as he watched you slowly spread your legs open, giving him a show of teasing yourself. In all honesty it looked like he was about to faint from the lack of blood in his face, but that quickly changed when you softly moaned his name. A whimper escaped his lips and he rutted forward into the air, feeling the blush creep quickly onto his cheeks again.

You breathed deeply as you slowly spread yourself open, carefully inserting a finger, and then another one a moment later. You felt so aroused that you didn't think you even needed preparation; still in a little bit of shock that, oh god your crush was in front of you with a painfully hard erection looking at you as if you were the whole world. The fact that you had scored this opportunity was incredible, and you still couldn't believe it.

You met Tadashi's eyes and slipped your slick fingers in your mouth to suck them clean, observing his awed expression, "wanna taste?" You asked sultry, dipping your fingers back into your heat.

Yamaguchi's eyes were the widest they had been all night, and a strangled nod of his head let you scooch forward to him. He nervously opened his mouth, poking out his tongue to suck on your fingers. You felt your cunt clench desperately at the sight in front of you, and you sighed a moan. You took Tadashi's hands in yours and leant backward onto his pillows, letting him trap you with his arms beside your head.

"Hah— f-fuck," Tadashi choked out, grinding his still clothed cock on your thigh. "P-please~."

"Take off your underwear, 'Dashi," you murmured hotly to him, trailing your hands down his back to his waistband.

He struggled with the article of clothing before throwing them to the floor, blushing profusely once he realized that he was completely exposed to you. A groan was ripped from Tadashi's chest when you gave him a few pumps, reaching out with your other hand to grab a condom.

"Are you ready?" You asked. "You can back out at anytime, no judgment."

"F-fuck yes," Tadashi stammered, shakily rolling the thin latex on his fluttering cock.

He let you take charge, taking a deep breath when you grasped his dick and guided him slowly inside of you. Tadashi's mouth widened into an 'O' as he sank deeper into your hot pussy, taking the air from his lungs. A low groan rumbled in his chest, and he gripped the sheets tightly. He couldn't move, he realized. If he moves, he cums. Game over.

"I-I-," Tadashi gasped, struggling to find the right words. "T-tight."

"You can move, Tadashi," you encouraged, trying not to clench around him.

So he did, wanting to impress you somehow. His abs tensed painfully as he fiercely held in his orgasm, slowly dragging back and forth. He heard himself whimpering and he was scared that he was going to start crying. Your reassuring moans didn't help Tadashi from his sensitive state and he cried out as he came, shaking as he emptied his load into the condom.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry— I didn't mean to!" He panicked, lip trembling as he ridiculed himself for being so embarrassing. He hid his face from your gaze by locking his eyes on your chest, focusing all his energy on not crying.

"It's ok! It's ok, don't worry," you soothed, a little surprised at Tadashi's reaction. "There's always a next time," you added shyly, blush deepening.

"—n-next time..?"

[mandareeboo]

SU Music Rankings

Bc I can and I wanna start some Disk Horse rip. These are all in order of preference, with explanations, etc. It’s a long bitch. That said, I’m not counting little short jingles or small joke songs like Little Butler. This is the meat and potatoes of SU music- just under 30 songs. I might do the rest if people like my takes lol.

I scored it mostly on three bases- how dear it was to my heart, how much/often I relisten to it, and also what it means to the plot. That said, little fun songs don’t automatically go farther down than big, plot-heavy songs either! It’s a strange little balance.

Special Note: I don’t dislike any of this music! I love SU and that includes its bumps and glitches. I just pick favorite children lol.

1.) Change

Was there ever a more Steven moment than when he wiped the blood off his face and kissed it into sparkles? I think not. 

If “Be Wherever You Are” is an ode to young Steven, then this is teen Steven’s. Talking about change, and how much and how little it can do. How he holds his arms up for Spinel to hug him, so trusting. How he seems able to just. Break into soft tears at will, and not to be manipulative- it’s just his kind nature. The warmth in his voice. Fuck yesssss.

2.) Change Your Mind

This song is only fifty five seconds and it’s EVERYTHING to me. It really felt like someone was speaking the words I’d always held deep inside of me, unsure of how to say. It feels like a goodbye to someone who never really loved me. 

As much as I enjoyed Future, if this was the finale of SU, I would’ve been perfectly okay with that.

3.) Drift Away

This song gave me legitimate shivers the first time I heard it, and it still haunts me to this day. Spinel stayed, and waited, and all she got was a transmission thousands of years later. Fuck.

4.) Here We Are In The Future

THE MOVIE IS SU AS ITS BEST AND I WON’T BE SWAYED ON IT. Steven being a teen who loves his weird family but is growing just a bit sarcastic to their drama. The adorable love he and Connie share. His slow realization that he will always be working, always have things to do, is both somber and real. The Crystal Gems won’t be safe with one epic battle. They’ll be safe with years of hard work and love. HIS LITTLE HANDSHAKE WITH AMETHYST.

This is a helluva bop and a great way to summarize the main character’s backstories.

5.) Let’s Only Think About Love

Did ya’ll know that Zach Callison killed his throat with that last note? He gave his all for this performance in a vocal range he no longer comfortably do and by god did it SHINE. The FLAIR. The FORESHADOWING. All of the Gems all being awkward about Rose and Steven trying to bring them to the present. Peridot having a mini-existential crisis in a cute yellow dress. I love Zach Callison’s normal singing voice but man is that a fucking bop. Nothing will ever beat it.

6.) Here Comes A Thought

This bad boy helped me out a LOT with some mental issues I was dealing with in high school. I was unmedicated, unsupervised, and full of anxiety. I’d have break downs when I tried to speak about certain things. I couldn’t function. This song inspired me. It helped me feel okay with my intrusive thoughts.

And the episode! -chef’s kiss-. Once again bringing up the morally gray area of training child soldiers. Connie expanding her social group. Steven’s trauma hauling ass in that second half. The ANIMATION. Stevonnie’s gorgeous singing voice. GOD yes.

7.) It’s Over Isn’t It?

Just barely squeaking above Stronger Than You, this ballad is everything gorgeous. The whole episode is. I think Mr. Greg stands in the top five of my episodes for the entire show. It even got nominated!

There’s just so much about this song that I love. The gentle melancholy of Pearl’s voice. How the crew had to redo the shots for this bit bc Deedee went so fucking hard. The hard cuts between Pearl, remembering the love of her life, and Steven, who has begun to feel like he took her away. I’d recommend this song to anyone, regardless of what they do or don’t know about SU, simply bc it tugs so many heartstrings of love, loss, and responsibility.

8.) Stronger Than You

Did you realize this episode aired SEVEN years ago? This bitch was what got me into SU! Hearing about Ruby and Sapphire made my little gay heart so happy inside, and then getting a whole song confirming that they were a couple, that their love powered the strongest Gem on the team? Aaaaaaaaa

To this DAY I get excited when I hear Estelle start singing. This song is timeless. This song will live in media history. God I fucking love this song.

9.) Other Friends

I’m not the biggest musical person, so I hadn’t heard of Sarah Stiles before her casting as Spinel, but JESUS CHRIST the lady went hard. She went SO fucking hard. Sarah Stiles started on 100 and somehow just kept CLIMBING. You can just hear the sheer manic energy building in her voice, the anger and resentment. 10/10 Sarah Stiles is a queen.

10.) Independent Together

This made the list entirely bc the crew was like “you’re gonna get a himbo ass Steven-Greg fusion singing with Opal while Garnet flies across the moon on Lion while floating” and I am forever thankful to them for it

11.) Who We Are

Bismuth deserved more songs. ‘Nuff said.

12.) Peace and Love (On the Planet Earth)

It Could’ve been Great is EASILY one of my favorite s2 episodes. I love the entire concept of this song. Of Steven making music to reflect how much Earth means to him and his family. Of him teaching Peridot some self-care. Also Peridot’s singing voice is really cute and squeaky. 

I know it’s silly, but I would’ve really enjoyed a flip around of this in Future! Like Peridot reminding Steven how much he loves music, that he needs to take time to relax for himself, maybe with a new verse or just a remix of the original song!

13.) Something Entirely New

I watched this episode as it aired, and I legitimately almost cried. I love Charlyne Yi’s voice so much ya’ll- her raspy, not perfect singing voice against Sapphire’s deep soothing lull is great.

And to have Ruby and Sapphire’s meeting be the way it was- for Ruby to bemoan Sapphire losing Homeworld, to being stuck with a single Ruby, while Sapphire is a noble who has always been taught everyone in her “caste” is vitally important (and has, in her own mind, taken that to mean every Gem, as she should) and how they come together and make each other happy. Good shit good shit.

14.) I’m Just a Comet

The fact that Greg’s music career never really blasted off pisses me off to this day bc Tom Scharpling’s voice is fucking BUTTER. Also the song really feels like a jab at his parents now that we know the kind of dynamic he had growing up. “This life in the stars if all I’ve ever known” is definitely him wiping away their existence after reminding them (and himself) the things they used to say about him.

15.) Do It For Her

This episode. This fucking episode. This episode got me permanently hooked on SU. I’d just binged season 1 and was kinda meh about it overall after the bop of Stronger Than You. “Oh,” I thought to myself, foolishly, “I’ll probably just casually watch this from time to time.”

Like three days later Sworn to the Sword aired and that was it. I was hooked! Pearl’s gentle training song turning darker and darker, Connie’s accompaniment from nervous to determined to fully into such a toxic mindset. The fact that SU had the BALLS to discuss the repercussions of training child soldiers, now and later. This episode was everything to me, STILL is everything to me.

Six years and well over 100 fanfics written later, I think it’s safe to say this show swallowed me whole and never let go.

16.) System/Boot.pearl_final(3)

I debated putting this on the list because it’s not anything crazy important, just a way to show things are Wrong, but I had to do it entirely bc Pearl is so damn SALTY.

Like telling us about the Gems makes sense, she felt like she was given a duty, but she went so damn petty. WHY is that Ruby alone. Gross. This Amethyst is a trash dump. Wtf are you people.

17.) Full Disclosure

This episode really feels like a turning point for SU. Before, the show had its dark moments- but now we’re in the thick of it, and it’s not going away. Full Disclosure felt like an rebuff to the idea of returning to any normal we’d established in season 1. Gems are actually a giant species now. Gems tried to kill us now. There’s this Yellow Diamond bitch who got namedropped. Something about a Cluster. 

The song itself is BALLER, with its ingenious use of Steven’s ringtone and photos as he tries to decide whether to clue in Connie on all this nonsense. Meanwhile we, the audience, already know damn well Connie about to yeet some common sense into him.

18.) What’s the Use of Feeling Blue?

I’mma admit it- I’m a Yellow Diamond stan. I’ve always loved her- her anger, her poise, her hardworking nature. I actively argued against the “Yellow Shattered Pink” theories back in the day. But, man, when this arc leaked? I got so overexcited I was too jittery to watch it for like two days. It’s easily my favorite arc of the series. The sheer alien nature of the zoo, the Famethyst, and absolutely Patti Lupone’s beautiful ballad. Goddamn. Yellow singing to Blue to try and help her regain her old status, the warble in her voice as she reminds Blue she misses Pink too, the movement of the bubbles as she talks about attack. It gives me shivers to this day. FUCK.

19.) Tower of Mistakes

This is, fun fact, that only SU song I have completely memorized. The story itself is kinda funny! See, we lost internet at my house for a solid 5 to 6 months when these episodes aired, so I only got a very brief window to view them all. But this was the first Amethyst song in a long while, and I didn’t want to forget it! So I keep replaying it in my head for ages. And that’s still definitely a thing.

Anyway will never not be sad that this entire song was about making it up to Garnet for Amethyst’s perceived slights with Sugilite (which was a two-way road), only for Garnet to pressure her into fusion later when pissed and never discuss it again bc Garnet probably never thought twice about it and Amethyst has the emotional openness of a clam that’s just been told its ugly. Helluva way to make someone feel like shit, G. Helluva way to bottle that shit, Ames.

20.) On the Run

I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Amethyst! Needed! More! Songs! 

The dichotomy between Steven’s play and Amethyst’s honest desire to run away from home is so well-done, especially when you consider a lot of Steven and Amethyst’s actions are playing together. The song is also near and dear to me simply bc it’s my favorite Amethyst episode to exist (well, maybe second to What’s Your Problem, but not by much). Moments like these are all the proof I need that they were right to fuse first.

21.) Be Wherever You Are

This tune really just feels like an ode to who Steven was as a kid. Trapped on an island with no way home, and he’s just happy to be with his friends. The stars are beautiful and not oppressive. Also that one animatic with Lars and the Off Colors playing in the Homeworld Kindergarten to this music was iconic and made this song get stuck in my head for a solid month.

22.) Familiar

I ADORE how the crew use bright neon colors to show how alien Homeworld can be. And Steven recognizing that the Diamonds treat him how the CGs used to, and how prepared he is to “fix” a broken family. It’s a soft, gentle tune about melancholy. Also the Pebbles are beautiful.

23.) Let Me Drive My Van Into Your Heart

Such a cute little love ballad, but every time I listen to it now I just imagine the heart attack Rose must’ve had at the line “And if we look out of place/Well, baby, that's okay/I'll drive us into outer space.” like there’s a Vietnam war flashback if I ever heard one

24.) What Can I Do?

I’m kind of neutral on this one? Rose and Greg both have great voices, but the song itself lacks many lyrics. I think it was definitely a good way to show Rose’s flaws in thinking.

Also, I’m shocked they managed cram that much vaguely sexual innuendo into two minutes, followed by how Not Hetereo that dance between Rose and Pearl was, and not get their asses chewed by it. You go guys.

25.) Cookie Cat

I love a lot of the vibes this song has. The lyrics are so damn prophetic, but they also sound like the kind of weird 90s commercials I grew up on. It’s been like two decades since I saw the Shirley Temple commercial but I’ll be damned if I don’t remember “Animals crackers in my soup! Monkey and rabbits loop-de-loop.”

26.) Giant Woman

I am. NOT the biggest fan of Steven’s original singing voice. I feel bad saying that, since it was just Zach Callison as a kid, but he never jived well with me for some reason. So I wouldn’t listen to this on the fly. 

The song itself is still really good though, with all sorts of fun animation of Amethyst and Pearl being bitchy to each other. It’s a bit sad in hindsight to see tiny Steven trying to get his moms to get along. Ahh, season 1.

27.) Strong in the Real Way

This song has SUCH a strong start. Pearl reflecting on Sugilite’s problems, but the show making sure to show us that Pearl’s lack of enthusiasm towards her also lends itself to jealousy as well as just general malaise. How much she cares about Steven, and wants him to grow up strong. 

And then Steven just kinda. Ruins it? I appreciate his enthusiasm for tryna bulk up but to take what was starting as such a rich, personal song and broadcasting it to random strangers just makes me a bit sad. Almost a bit angry on her behalf?

28.) That Distant Shore

I KNOW this is gonna create some discourse, but I’m just not the biggest Lapis stan. I love her voice. I love the visuals of the song. And I get why she felt afraid and needed to flee.

But Lapis never got to take responsibility for her own actions. And, in the end, the song feels hollow to me- because we all know she’ll never talk to anyone about it, know she’ll burst back in and destroy the barn, and no one will ever question it. I like Lapis a lot, but I feel like her arc never was fully finished. She never got help. She never learned to feel safe.

29.) Dear Old Dad

I’ve yet to meet a single human being who likes this episode tbh. There’s some great discussion about what kind of parent Greg is from it, and what kind of dynamic he has with the Gems that he felt he had to fake an injury to hang out with his son. Honestly the first half was fine and dandy. It’s just that then they Greg just went out of his way to drag Steven away from missions and such. It never jived well with his character before or after.

Also, is it just me, or does Zach himself sound like he hates the song as he sings it? There’s no passion or heart in his voice. It sounds like they told him to read off cue cards and he did. Tom Scharpling’s best attempts didn’t save this one for being a skipper. But the episode, unfortunately, isn’t, so it gets a spot on here.

[aboxthecolourofheartache]

Aw these are all good prompts. How about...

58. Sharing clothes/jewelry/personal items, M9 + Essek

Or 109. Going people watching, Jester & Essek

Only if you feel like it :)

Hopefully you enjoy existential crises with your cute?? cw: Essek's on-going crisis of self “Ooh, what about them?” Jester points down into the crowd, indicating a brown-skinned person with a sheet of silky pink hair and polished hooves shod in copper.

Essek follows the line of her pointing pencil. He lifts a hand to shade his eyes despite the awning over the patio and his wide-brimmed hat. “Jester, you will have to pick people closer to us if you want my opinion.”

“Really? They’re only, like, just over there by the fountain.”

Essek hears the fountain, but he cannot see it except as a blur of mosaic blues shining in the strong sunlight. Everything beyond the shade of the building and jacarandas is sunhaze. He’s beginning to get a little dizzy with it, but this outing is important. Jester agreed to create him a book of faces to wear, and they are choosing inspiration today.

“I’m going to sketch them into the book anyway. They’re hot.”

“You know that is not a required element.”

Jester smirks as her pencil flies across the page. She’s not drawing exact likenesses. This reduces his chances of being ‘recognized’ by strangers. And, if the people searching for him mark a false face as one of his disguises, a real person would be in danger.

“If you use this one, you’re gonna have to remember to clip-clop.” Jester mimes mincing hooves with her hands.

The waiter glides by with refills of their drinks, cold mint tea for Essek and a strawberry lemonade for Jester. The cafe patio is quiet, set a half-storey above the street with two little tables and a shaded view of the plaza. Mid-way between town proper and harbor, this plaza sees constant traffic of all sorts. Tourists, merchants, sailors venturing farther inland than the pubs near the docks, townspeople about their business - many faces, many choices.

“Would you want to be a lady?” Jester’s artist’s eye follows an air genasi woman as she browses the curios in a nearby window.

Essek draws a fingertip through the condensation building on his tall glass of cold mint tea. “It might be good to have a few female faces in my repertoire.” The desire to entertain Jester rather than real doubt prompts his next question. “Do you think I could manage it?”

Jester looks up from her sketching. “Oh yeah, no problem. Except,” she laughs, “since you’re only interested in men, people will think you’re straight.”

“That,” says Essek, “will not be an issue.” If he never stays anywhere long enough to make that vital connection, that is.

Even this trip to Nicodranas is dangerous for him, for Jester, for Veth, and their loved ones. He chose the ivory features of a pallid elf for his current illusion, mostly as an excuse to cover up against the summer sun.

Back to wearing masks.

He stirs his tea with a long-handled spoon. Ice clinks musically against glass. Essek does not know if he has ever worn his own face. Childhood saw him a slate to be overwritten by a soul that never woke within him. New, empty of experience, he wore whatever face served him best at the time. He almost became the Shadowhand’s soft, perpetual smile. The Nein ripped that off him, exposing the paucity of self beneath.

For a century, Essek could lock eyes with his reflection in the mirror without any recognition past the superficial. He considers the vertiginous horror he feels now an improvement.

And now, just as he begins to see someone looking back: it is not safe to be himself. He must be someone else, and he does not understand why that grieves him when there is so little to lose.

“You could be anyone.”

Essek lurches out of his thoughts.

“Anybody at all!” Jester cannot read minds without casting a spell, and Essek is certain enough she hasn’t. “I’m the littlest, smallest bit jealous.”

“Oh?” He props his chin on his fist attentively, biting back several caustic, sarcastic replies.

“Yeah!” She pushes the sketchbook towards him. “You get to decide who all these people are, then you get to be them. Like, this guy,” she flips to an early page, “is obviously a gem broker. Look at his mustache and tell me he’s not a gem broker. And this person here is a poet.”

Jester’s excitement is a balm. Her sketches breathe life, and her imagination pulls dozens of people from thin air. While Essek cannot bring himself to share her enthusiasm, he decides he likes the idea of deciding who each face will be.

He is deeply, irrevocably broken, twisted out of shape long before he shattered, all the pieces sharp or warped. But they are individually interesting. Instead of a single, intact perfect mask with nothing behind it, he has the chance to lay a mosaic and create a new, composite whole. Perhaps he can make someone whose eyes he can meet in the mirror.

[miercolaes]

having an existential crisis in an unfamiliar environment whilst surrounded by strangers is a new level of hell she didn't know up until that very moment. deadpan glare thrown at @tornblackedgcs's direction in response to his statement. she doesn't find it very comforting, not when other shadysiders are dropping like dead flies. ❝ i need alcohol for this. ❞ a glimpse around the room, looking for mayor goode's son.

❝ i'm already wearing this. ❞ she's pointing to her clothes which do not consist of her usual style. she's already blending in with the way she looks, engaging in tribal adolescent cliches is the last straw. ❝ it makes my skin itch and i think soon it'll peel off. if that isn't enough, i don't know what is. ❞ arm extends, waiting for her drink. gaze falls upon couples making out in one corner of the room and she fights the urge not to actually gag. index points toward those individuals, as she utters ❝ is that your meaning of blending and behaving? acting like a couple? because that won't get us any answers. ❞ gaze reverts back to him, her deadpan expression as lifeless and devoid of emotion as ever, ❝ we should keep an eye on them for the time being. watch for anything suspicious or out of the ordinary. ❞

[hxseok-honee]

3005 || part 3

3005 [part 3] || “sound good, Princess?"

[no matter what you say and what you do // when i’m alone, i’d rather be with you]

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a/n : I AM SUFFERING I HAVE MADE M I S T A K E S

taglist [open] :

@deepseavibez @lele-bb @monamone @unadulteratedlyunique @bluefaeriefury @hooniepie @loveyoongles @lilacdreams-00 @ramyagovindraj @skyrro @diminieshoe @calling-dips-on-j-hope @yuusilverscar @butterflylion @dingzerenistall @miki-chi @army-moa75 @drpepperobsessed @cecedrake2217 @somelazysundays @xxxanimangxxx @cosmicdaylight @navybluewonderland @itismochirice @dreadity @secretlycrazyhummingbird @taeshuworld @lochness-butmakeitsexy

_____________________________________

When Y/n steps into the forest clearing the next day, she finds that Hoseok’s not alone. There, seated on the large tree trunk near the cauldron where he stands, is her new acquaintance. Yoongi’s eyes flick up from the book he’s reading when he notices movement, Hoseok still having not seen her since his back is turned. Yoongi clears his throat to alert his boyfriend, but there’s a few seconds before he does so. He first takes his time holding eye contact with her, and she can see, even with a book in the way, that there’s a smirk playing on the edges of his lips. And then he’s blinking, returning his gaze to the page before him as he clears his throat.

Hoseok glances up from where he’s carefully filling vials of wolfsbane potion, glancing over his shoulder when Yoongi tilts his chin up, gesturing in Y/n’s direction with his head without ever moving his eyes from the page. Hoseok spins on his heel smoothly, grinning easily at Y/n.

“Princess! So kind of you to join us.” Even though she’s looking at Hoseok -- not really looking him in the eye, but still looking at him -- she sees Yoongi lift his head, and she wonders what he’s thinking about the nickname his own boyfriend’s given her. As if reading her mind, his opens his mouth, breathing out a laugh before he speaks.

“‘Princess’, huh? I wasn’t aware you were Cinderella -- you know, since you like pumpkins so much.” Yoongi meets her eyes again, that little smirk returning when she instinctively squints, glaring at him.

“I told you I hadn’t thought about the fact that they use the pumpkins for the food--”

“I’m just saying, I was wondering why the pieces of pumpkin in the soup the other day were so soft--”

“That’s not how that works!” Yoongi’s smirk widens, her reaction pleasing him endlessly. Hoseok only looks between them, eyes wide.

“Uh… do you two need a minute? Because I have no idea what’s going on here.” Yoongi breaks eye contact then, returning to his book.

“Your little wolf’s fond of Hagrid’s pumpkin patch.” Y/n flushes angrily, thrown both by the fact that he’d just referred to her as Hoseok’s little wolf and that he hadn’t even come close to properly explaining the situation.

“Okay, well your little boyfriend interrupted me in the midst of an existential crisis, which, frankly, is just rude.” Hoseok had been looking at Yoongi, also surprised at the name he’d given her, but he whirls around then, eyebrows hidden under his hair as he stares at her in shock. Yoongi also looks up, decidedly shutting his book and setting it down beside him before crossing his arms over his chest.

“Oh, so that’s what you were doing! I wasn’t sure if that was just part of your regular lunchtime routine, or…” Y/n huffs loudly, and she feels herself growing frustrated by the obvious enjoyment Yoongi’s getting out of teasing her. But Hoseok’s reaction to their conversation surprises her enough to halt any irritation she would have felt.

“Okay -- you two are acting really weird… I mean, I can’t say much about Y/n since, apparently, she hates me enough to never talk to me, but Yoongi…” He looks his boyfriend over with surprise, causing Yoongi to deflate slightly after a moment. He uncrosses his arms, setting his hands in his lap as he shrinks shyly under Hoseok’s gaze. But it’s the way Yoongi’s ears are turning pink that tips Hoseok off, and he hums knowingly.

“I see--” He turns to Y/n then, the arrogant smirk she’d come to know over the years filling his face. “You’ll have to forgive him, Princess -- my little Prince isn’t the best at making friends.” Yoongi’s blush deepens, and he digs the toe of his converse sneakers into the dirt below him stubbornly. This is not the same Yoongi that had just derived joy from teasing Y/n, and she’s very surprised to see how quickly he changed. Glancing at Hoseok, she finds that he’s got his eyes on Yoongi, fondness dancing in his gaze as he smirks at his boyfriend. She decides then that their dynamic confuses her, but then she remembers what Hoseok had said.

“I don’t hate you…” Hoseok turns, eyes genuinely surprised that she hadn’t let the comment pass. Y/n only makes brief eye contact before looking away, never having been able to properly meet Jung Hoseok’s intense gaze for very long. “I don’t hate you.” She’d wanted to explain why she’s so shy around him -- that he intimidates her, probably without meaning to -- but she’d only repeated herself, unable to find any other words. She hears Hoseok snicker, and when she looks up, he’s got his back to her again, having returned to his potion.

“Well, that’s certainly nice to know. Maybe I should only give you one vial at a time -- then you’ll have to keep finding me every day, and I can finally get to know you.” There’s a pause, one where Y/n isn’t sure how to respond, but it ends when Hoseok glances over his shoulder at her with a toothy grin.

“I’m just fucking with you. I wouldn’t hold out on you like that.” He turns, holding a small container, one that she’s very familiar with. She steps further into the clearing, approaching the pair, head bent as she pretends to watch where she’s walking on the uneven ground -- a habit formed over the years so she doesn’t have to look Hoseok in the eye.

She stops when the little wooden box comes into view, and he hands it to her. But when she moves to pull away, he doesn’t let go, holding her there with the grip of his hand on the box of her vials. She looks up in surprise then, finally meeting his eyes without even thinking about it. She finds that Hoseok’s smirking, as usual, but it widens when she looks at him.

“There she is.” It’s whispered, and he doesn’t take his eyes off of her for a second while he says it, causing her breath to catch in her throat from the sheer effect of his overwhelming presence. She feels trapped by him, prey being mocked by that smirk.

Her eyes flick over to Yoongi, expecting to see some kind of reaction at her proximity to his boyfriend -- annoyance or irritation maybe -- but she finds that he’s only regarding Hoseok with eyes filled with intrigue. A thought seems to have crossed his mind when Hoseok had acted, because Yoongi’s examining his boyfriend with a raised eyebrow, like he knows something she doesn’t. And when he finally glances at her, it seems the shy Yoongi that Hoseok had dragged out has disappeared again, leaving a new Yoongi who only looks her over with surprised interest.

She doesn’t even realize Hoseok’s released her vials, too stunned by the suddenness of the moment. When she looks down and sees that she’s the only one holding the box, she’s still not processing it, so she stays close to Hoseok -- much closer than she’d ever been before in the 4 years she’d known him. He’s warm, she notes -- his body heat is as overwhelming as his gaze, passing over her in waves as a reminder that he’s there while she stares down at the box, eyes wide.

She also notes that, while Jungkook is much the same, warmer than most due simply to an internal adjustment made to his body after becoming an animagus so young, this is not the same. Where she’d always found her brother obnoxiously warm and only tolerable on the coldest of nights, Hoseok’s warmth is surprisingly pleasant -- nothing more than a reminder that he’s there, living and breathing beside her. It’s oddly comforting to know that the cold, offputting boy she’d come to know is warm in some ways.

The moment comes crashing to an end with the sound of footsteps in the distance, realization hitting Y/n like a truck when she thinks of what this situation could seem like to someone else. Stumbling backwards until she’s about as far away from Hoseok as she’d been from the start, she barely even hears footsteps falling into line beside her, her heart still pounding in her ears.

“Oh, hey!” Glancing up at the sudden voice, her heart flies into her throat when she realizes it’s Remus that’s right beside her.

Am I just gonna have a heart attack here? This is how I die, is that it?

She can’t even manage to smile at Remus, too flustered by the entire situation. She only glances over at James and Sirius, who have come along to keep Remus company. They wave, smiling knowingly at the blush on her face -- on the tree trunk not far away, Yoongi smirks, knowing they aren’t aware of the whole truth of Y/n’s current state.

“Hey, Hoseok! Sorry again for having to cancel on you last night -- we, uh--” Remus hasn’t noticed Y/n’s frazzled existence, addressing Hoseok like nothing’s off about the situation. He points between himself and his friends, looking sheepish. “We got evening detention, so…”

Y/n chances a look at Hoseok then, seeing that he seems to have forgotten the entire moment with her, smiling politely at the Marauders while turning to grab Remus’ doses.

“Don’t worry about it, man. This one told me that his friend Jungkook had gotten into trouble, so I figured you might be in the same boat.” Hoseok nods over to Yoongi when he says ‘this one’, and the boys seem to only notice then that Yoongi’s there.

“Yoongi! It’s good to see you, man -- I feel like whenever we find Jungkook during lunch, you’re missing from the group.” James approaches the seated boy, clapping him on the back good-naturedly. Yoongi only nods, an easy smile coming to his features. He looks mildly uncomfortable, but it’s clear he and the Gryffindors are familiar with one another, and Y/n wonders briefly what Yoongi’s like as he gets to know someone.

She doesn’t even see that he’s meeting her eyes curiously until he responds, his voice bringing her back to reality. She watches as he doesn’t look away, eyes locked on hers as he speaks, that infuriating smirk making another appearance.

“Yeah, sorry about that -- I’m usually busy during lunch.” Y/n’s mind flashes to when she’d accused Yoongi of interrupting her existential crisis during lunch, not ten minutes prior. She flushes, that annoying pounding of her heart growing when she sees that the comment is lost on James, his words meant strictly for her. Remus shifts next to her, and when she glances up, she sees that he’d noticed the moment, looking between her and Yoongi with curiosity. He clears his throat, shooting her a quick grin as he addresses Hoseok again.

“Well, I’m glad I ran into this one at breakfast today and heard you guys were meeting now -- I’d hate to take more time out of your schedule.” Remus reaches out, brushing his fingers along the inside of her wrist when he calls her ‘this one’, referencing Hoseok’s previous comment about Yoongi jokingly. Y/n’s eyes widen as she glances down at her wrist, watching as Remus’ fingers slide off of her skin before returning to his side, where he lets his arm hang.

She glances away quickly, trying not to make a big deal of the gesture, and she ends up catching Hoseok’s expression as her eyes pass over him. Remus had meant the comment innocently, of course, but the look in Hoseok’s eyes -- cold, hardened eyes that gaze emotionlessly at the spot where she and Remus had just made contact before flicking up to meet Remus’ eyes -- tells her that maybe he doesn’t like that she’s being referred to in the same way Hoseok had referred to Yoongi.

She’s not sure why -- a personal association to the words, an inside joke between the boyfriends, perhaps -- but Hoseok’s teeth are clenched, his jaw locking and unlocking as he smiles in response, and it sets her skin on fire. He’s not even looking at her, gaze trained evenly on Remus, but she feels the heat of his glare, very different from the heat she’d felt radiating off of him earlier.

“It’s no problem -- I’d have been happy to reschedule.” The words are understanding, but there’s an edge to them, the tone in his voice razor sharp. Y/n glances up at Remus and finds that he’s already looking down at her, his eyebrows raised as he looks at her knowingly.

“I get the Look all the time… just me though…”

Y/n blinks, confused as she remembers what he’d said to her yesterday. She looks to Hoseok, but when he flicks his eyes over to her, his gaze softens, and he looks away and scratches at his neck awkwardly. Behind him, Yoongi is looking at the back of his boyfriend’s head, eyes curious as he glances between Hoseok and Remus. His expression is fairly even, but Y/n can see that he’s been making silent observations when he finally smiles to himself and lowers his gaze to his lap, twiddling his thumbs as he thinks.

Hoseok moves to hand the box of vials to Remus after a moment, still slightly awkward from his obvious display of annoyance as he approaches them. When he passes the doses to Remus, he takes a moment to glance at Y/n, eventually reaching over to tap a single finger on the top of her own container.

“Don’t let me find out you aren’t taking these with food like last year -- sound good, Princess?” Y/n inhales sharply, only having heard the name when they’re relatively alone. Remus’ jaw drops, accompanied by James choking on his own spit and Sirius making some kind of strangled noise behind his hand. She looks past Hoseok to see Yoongi smiling widely, eyes dancing with amusement.

Nodding quickly, Y/n lowers her gaze and turns, pushing past Remus as she heads for the path back to the castle. Remus follows, stunned, and James hops off of his seat, not even bothering to wave at Yoongi as he and Sirius take off after Y/n, their teasing voices ringing out through the forest as they go.

Hoseok watches them leave, Yoongi only watching Hoseok. Finally, the boy on the tree trunk hums, eyes trained on the side of his boyfriend’s face as he speaks.

“So… She’s interesting.” Hoseok doesn’t take his eyes off of Y/n’s back, shrinking in the distance as she and the Marauders walk back to the castle. He swallows hard, sighing softly before responding.

“She’s certainly something.”

[patheticwithanem]

Dear...

...you,

I've been thinking about us lately. Maybe incessantly so? I don't know if it's a good thing or not, but it's getting kind of annoying if I'm being completely honest. We've been doing this for quite a while now: 10 MONTHS. Time flies when you're having fun, right?

Until you're not.

I'm not used to online dating, but October of last year I decided I'm going to put myself out there hoping I can find some connection that'll stick. That's huge, coming from me. I guess it was my existential crisis talking too; I wanted something of my own as my 30s "creep in". I know age is just a number but there's something about this dawn of a new era that just... sucked. The months leading up to it were filled with anxieties and fears and on top of that, a lot of reflection. Icing to the cake.

We met on December 30. It was our mutual love of Survivor that got me really interested. Your first message from a few weeks back was aggressive but unapologetically yourself. You didn't care if I shared the same opinion as yours. You just wanted to talk. I liked that. You were very engaging and a great conversationalist: exactly the type of person I was looking for.

Cutting to the chase, I'm not writing to tell you the story of how I fell in love with you. This is not about ruminating all the milestones we had the past couple of months. This is about telling you what I feel at this moment. RIGHT. NOW. It's just something I have to do before I drown in despair. I'm tired of holding back.

Oh, yeah. I love you.

As cliché as it sounds, I've never felt this with anyone, ever. I had relationships before but I don't know if I truly loved them. I can admit that. I appreciated them and I wanted them in my life at the time, but it never FELT LIKE THIS. Watching movies and TV when I was younger, I remember telling myself that love is overrated. Like how can something be so overwhelming it makes you do crazy shit? And this is coming from a proud hopeless romantic; how can something so plain and simple be so much more complicated when emotions get in the way? I'm not saying I will do some crazy shit - I mean, we'll see what the future holds (LOL), but as a full-pledged adult, I come to realize that love holds so much power. It really conquers all: fear, pain, hatred (well not poverty or corruption or toothache, but you get the drift). I guess you never truly "comprehend" it until you "live" it.

But I don't know if I can do this whole thing anymore. I'm a Yes guy, and that usually means I make the most compromises. With us, I feel like I do albeit a little too much. I find myself challenging my value system time and time when I'm faced to make decisions about us. How far am I willing to go? How much energy compromising am I willing to exhaust? And I don't think I'm exaggerating: I cater to your idea of a perfect "companion" ALL THE FREAKING TIME. That's another thing: I don't think you necessarily want what I want because it almost feels like you just need someone there with you, doing things with you. I usually am disappearing in the abyss of my own emotional and mental baggage, but to my surprise, in terms of "whatever I think this is", I know what I want. This is just not it.

I want to feel wanted. I want someone to look me in the eye and tell me that they love me for me. They love me for everything that I represent and everything that I stand up for. They love me for my quirks and in spite of my quirks. They love me for the things I hate most about myself. I want to feel wanted FOR ME. And I wish you can want me enough you feel the need to "lock this in", because you can't see a life without me, and you can't bear the thought of me sharing this connection with someone else. I have been waiting for you to feel that need to commit to me. I still haven't gotten that from you, and as we go along, I wonder if we're ever going to get to that point. It saddens me that I don't think we will. Do you really like me or do you just like the idea of me? Or maybe you just want my company? I maybe overthinking it, but how would I know if you don't give me anything?

You might want to ask: why am I expecting you to make that move? Why is it your call? To be fair, you made it very clear that you are not an emotional person. You never really experience high highs and low lows; you're perfectly fine with living in the calm. That's always been your narrative. I totally respect that, but here's the thing: I'm a sensitive guy. I'm in touch with my emotions almost all the time, and I learned through the years to let my walls down and allow myself to be vulnerable especially with the people I hold close to my heart. I get that you're a completely different person, but can you at least give me something to work on? I keep waiting for you to bring down your walls and really talk to me; but it's almost a year and you still haven't given me ANYTHING. I refuse to believe you're just dead on the inside because I see you. I know you have it in you. I see glimpses of what you can show if you just strip that off and learn to let go. I remember you hesitantly telling me you "like me" a couple of weeks ago and I laughed at you saying "of course". I'm sorry if that felt I dismissed what you were feeling because that wasn't my intention at all. My point is: we have been talking daily and spending time with each other for roughly 42 weeks. That's a huge amount of time. We should be past the point of just "liking each other".

Which brings me to this: when are you going to be emotionally available? How long are you asking me to wait? I know I want someone who can talk about their emotions. Talk about stuff you value the most! I keep giving you opportunities to do that but you never budge. It saddens me that besides the fact that you're a huge cinephile and you love French fries, I really don't know anything about you. You never really talk about your family even when I open that conversation. You never really talk about your childhood, your dreams and aspirations, your life. You give me crumbs and I give you all the fixins. How is that fair? Just so we're clear, I love the fact that you can be sweet if you want and you clearly love spending quality time with me. I love that. But can't you see it's not enough? I want to feel connected with you. I want the meat, not the garnish.

But self-awareness isn't your greatest suit either. You can be terribly insensitive sometimes. I allow you to be unapologetically yourself almost to the expense of me staying true to who I am. I can't be emotional. I can't be sexual. We're lucky we like a lot of things in common but you steer the wheel way too much. Most of the things we do still center around your interests; not much compromise there if you ask me. What about the other things that I want? When are you going to allow me to be in control even just a tiny bit? We had our first (and maybe technically our only) misunderstanding in March and truly, that was about your obsession about controlling everything. During our last vacation together, I remember you being all too difficult about the tours and the food and the itineraries. You do know I work for the services industry, right? Have you ever considered that that might be a reason why I don't want to bargain too much? And then there's this instance when you were deciding on posting content for social media and you made this remark about wanting to make it "bait-y"... You do realize you're telling that to me, right? Why are you implying you want to "bait" someone? I totally get it though. I would do that. I just don't think it's something I'll verbalize to my "companion" out of respect. And I know you still flirt with other people. I will own up to my complete breach of your privacy when I decided to snoop on your messages when you left your accounts on my computer, fine. But that just validated my suspicions: you were still going on dates April or May and you were still actively making suggestive advances (some were sexual) with the people you have dated. And the detective in me knows you were still accessing your dating apps in the office and at home six months in while we're dating. While it's fair that I had my share of side dates as well, I made a statement and deleted those applications. I made it known I don't need them anymore because I have you. How can I be so sure you did the same? Sure, I never asked for anything and I may be overreacting. I do acknowledge that. But I don't think I'm being unreasonable, right? Regardless, how do I remove that bitter taste in my mouth?

And the sex. THE SEX. You were very transparent from the get-go about having certain limits in the bedroom, I'll give you that. And you don't have the same insatiable sexual appetite as mine and I can't entirely fault you for that. But then when we talk about compromises, I expect you to try and do the same for me. I'm not asking for too much, but we already have our sexual incompatibility working against us. Can you just maybe try a little harder? I'm not pushing you to go beyond your boundaries. I respect them and I came to terms with having to work around it. But can you maybe put a little more effort in being more intimate with me? Maybe try to actively find ways how we can explore our sexualities together without having to rely on things you're not comfortable with and things you don't want to do? Can you stop being lazy about it and stop subconsciously implying that it's not as important in a genuine relationship? Because it is! For the longest time, I reigned it in. I knew the risk that I'm not always going to be satisfied sexually, but I took that risk because I want you. But please, I hope you see how much I have been trying. I wanted genuine connection to be the backbone of whatever we have. I'm intentionally suppressing my libido (for the lack of a better word) for you because I don't want to demand something you don't want to provide. I want to be doing it with you SO BAD but I don't want us to be a safe place for you. I don't ever want to make you feel uncomfortable. So please, since this is much more of a compromise for me than it is for you, can you just try harder?

I have been talking in circles but I'm glad I get to write about it now. I keep convincing myself that I'll just give it a year and if shit doesn't break the fan and nothing really happens, I might just have to let you go. But I don't want to; I love you. I love your smile and your passion for the things you love the most; your eloquence, and the way you say good morning, and the fact that I can talk with you for hours, and the way you just allow me to pace myself so I don't feel any sort of unnecessary pressure, and that I don't feel any judgment when I'm around you, and all the little things I have been taking notes since the day I laid eyes on you.

Looking back, these are things I never really expected to come out of my mouth and mean it. So please, don't let me run away. Make me stay.

Please.

[redrobin-detective]

Favorite parts of Private Journal

Its my tumblr blog so here’s the parts of my own fic that actually made me lose my shit.

-  DF: I can’t live like this; I’m just going to spend the rest of my miserable half life on this floor.

-  Healing - Can take some hits and recover faster than a normal person. I hit Danny with a lawn chair a few times and he seemed alright after a minute.

-  Stupid Veggie Girl (11:47 pm): You’re seriously going to use your first name for your secret identity?

- Advantages: Danny’s power, Fenton technology (affectionate), the best superhero back-up team ever, most everyone ignores us.

Disadvantages: Danny has no idea how to use his powers, Fenton technology (derogatory), we’re 14 and have no fighting experience, pretty much no support from anyone.

-  I’m just minding my own business and he just flies in like “hey kid, do you mind if I kill and skin you?” and then doesn’t wait for an answer

- Enough bribery money to win me the Mayor’s seat next election Sam- why??? Tucker- idk it happened in a dream once

-  SINCE WHEN DO PICKLES FLY KYLE??

-  Ghostbuster (10:42 am): [Photo: a clipping of billionaire, Vlad Masters from Rich, White Men Magazine as he toasts the camera with a glass of champagne. A curly mustache, an eye patch along with several blacked out teeth have been drawn on with a sharpie.]

-  It has been _0_ days since Danny got his skinny ghost ass beaten to the ground

-  (Video: Phantom has the front camera on while wearing a pink boa, neon green shutter glasses and a Burger King crown. He’s playfully jumping aggressively around the room to the opening of My Chemical Romance’s I’m Not Okay (I Promise).

-  [He’s wincing and trying to poke at his arm and both Sam and Tucker’s arm can be seen trying to slap him away.]

-  Phantom sighs loudly and turns from the portal to look at Sam and Tucker with longing eyes. (just this image of Danny pouting at Tucker and Sam gets me)

-  You (1:47 am): It’s almost 2 am my dude You (1:47 am): Nows not the time for an existential crisis else I’ll finish what that portal started Nearly Dead But Not Quite (1:48 am): yea ok that’s fair gnight

-  (Video: It starts in a corner of Danny’s room. There’s a multi-colored strobe light going off and Carmaladansen is playing loudly in the background. Tucker can be heard snickering slightly and humming under his breath as he gently turns the camera until it’s focused on Phantom lying face down on the floor with a small puddle of unidentifiable liquid underneath him.)

- I won’t post the whole thing but the entirety of Danny being a cryptid on Sam’s YT acct and the ensuing text conversation had me cackling

- @Homie-boy: Fenton what ghost weed did u and phantom smoke and where can i get sum?

- (Snapchat Video: Sam has the front camera on, facing herself as she rolls her eyes. Her face is mostly cut off, the video instead focuses on Danny and Tucker in the background. Danny’s eyes are glowing a neon green and he’s gripping Tucker’s arms tightly and in the midst of an aggressive pat down. Text reads, Tucker wasn’t paying attention and almost wandered into traffic so Danny’s going to fuss over him for the next eternity.)

-  Going Dead (10:13 pm): I do not control The Jazz

-  > Spectraldaisy69 @dousedinhorror • February 9 Isn’t he like dead? Does the dead cancel out the gay?

-  Casper High King @dashing_baxter • April 7 Asked if he was looking for a sidekick. Said over ‘his dead body’ but he’s already dead so I think I’m in!!!!!!

-  O Danny Boi (3:06 pm): Everything in my life is bad

-  Val the Ghost Slayer (3:08 pm): Then what the heck were they doing in there? You (3:09 pm): Knife monopoly (that whole make out closet part just sent me)

-  Ghost boy lays in streets for 15 min and cries??

- [Danny is floating face down in the pool behind him, unmoving. Text reads, the Team taking a well deserved break after an exhausting summer.] @Shadesofgrey commented: omg is Danny ok????

-  Jazz your bro looks like he’s gonna tear out that one percenter’s throat

-  >Mayor Vlad Masters @amityparkmayor • September 13 DANIEL YOU KNOW VERY WELL THAT IS NOT THE CASE. I AM REPORTING THIS DISRESPECT TO YOUR MOTHER POST HASTE.

- >Gentry @cheshirecatchild • September 13 You know @Spaceace04 has a point and the biblical Daniel was a prophet so like...

-  You (12:39 pm): :sleeping emoji: Fruitloop (12:39 pm): DANIEL YOUR HAUNT (for reasons I cant explain I think this is my favorite. Every time I think of Vlad’s VA saying this I almost cry laughing)

- Snapchat video: Danny Phantom and Danny Phantom stand in an alleyway. One is pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance. The other stares at the camera with confused, suspicious red eyes. Tucker: Whenever you’re ready gentleghosts. The Phantoms look at each other and sigh before pointing at each other. Tucker can be heard giggling. Phantom: Thanks for humoring him, Amorpho now get out of here.)

@JasmineFenton16 commented: I’m afraid I don’t understand, what’s this referencing? @TechMaster replied: Oh you sweet summer child @JasmineFenton16 replied: But it’s fall?

Not direct quotes but just things in general

* Danny repeatedly saying he doesn’t have an obsession and him constantly bring corrected

*  Tucker going the entire damn fic not realizing he’d forgotten to make his private journal entries private until its pointed out near the end. That’s what you get for turning what was intended to be a private journal a sharable document.

* Danny/Vlad being intensely creepy/not human in public and everyone just being like..... alright then

[the-queen-of-fools]

Coffee & Cowboys

Chapter 1

— — —

Word Count: 1600 Pairing: Jack ‘Agent Whiskey’ Daniels x English f!Reader (no y/n, no descriptions beyond accent) Rating: Mature (For language and themes. Might become explicit at some point) Warnings: Swearing; slow burn; angst; mentions of death; mentions of afterlife; mentions of alcohol; post-movie; AU

A/N: Slow burn. Meta / self aware-ish. I have no plan. First time writing Whiskey. No idea how often this series will be posted. (I’m English, and I liked the contrast with our ‘Southern charm’-filled cowboy, so the reader is English too…)

— — —

Saturday started like any other. No alarm, so you wake feeling refreshed and ready for the nothing you have planned. A nice long lie in, read for a bit in bed, hot shower, and very comfy clothes. You walk downstairs and into the kitchen as usual, eager to drink the glorious caffeinated nectar of life, when you stop abruptly. There’s a man stood there. His back to you, showing off some rather tight jeans, broad shoulders in a dark denim jacket and what looks like a stetson. Who the fuck wears a stetson? “What the fuck? Who are you? What are you doing in my house?” You yell, as you pick up the first thing you can find in reach - a chopping board. A chopping board? What? He turns around, face slack. You grabs a jar and throw it at him. It flies straight through him and hits the wall behind, glass shattering and coffee spreading everywhere. You’re both just staring now, right where the jar should have stopped on his body. Your eyes meet his, matching expressions of pure shock on your faces. 

Uh... no. You shake your head and turn, running back upstairs and shutting your bedroom door behind you. You slide the lock in place, and dive back in to bed. Still holding the damn chopping board, you throw the duvet over your head and squeeze your eyes shut. You’re asleep. You have to be. You’re asleep, and dreaming of your nice relaxing morning routine. When you open your eyes again you can start the day right, have another lie in, a nice shower, and then a coffee without any men in your kitchen. Deep breath in, out, eyes open.  Sitting up, throwing the duvet off, you look up and fuck! There he is, stetson and all.  “Where am I?” A southern drawl crosses the room to you. It’s deep, and velvety, and if you’d heard it at a bar you’re sure you’d feel very differently about it. But in your bedroom?  “Why are you here?” “Where IS here?”  “How did you get in, anyway? The door was locked?” That stops him.  His face softens slightly as he looks at you and says, “I... don’t know.” He furrows his brows, two deep set lines forming between them. He’s staring at the door, and when you lean forward you can just about see that the lock is still in place. “Did you walk through the door?” You whisper. He’s silent, still staring. “Are you a ghost?” That gets a reaction. He whips his head around, and glares at you now.  “No.” “Are you sure?” His brow furrows again, face changing from its glare to a more fearful look as he whispers back to you. “…No.”

…

You’re both in your living room now. It’s taken over an hour to get you both to the stage you can share a room without shouting or throwing things. That would have been hard to explain to neighbours or your housemate. Admittedly, he calmed down quicker than you did. You’re pretty sure an existential crisis will do that to you. Plus, the novelty of throwing things through him took longer to wear off than you thought. Grasping tightly on your coffee (finally), the mystery ghost man paces in front of you. “You’re making me dizzy, would you stop?” You ask. He stops moving, sighs deeply and sits down on the chair across the room. “Huh.”  “What?” He replies sharply. “Just curious why a jar goes through, or a pillow, or a chopping board, and you seem to be able to walk through doors without thinking about it, but you can still sit on a chair without falling through.” You explain to him, taking another sip of coffee. “Stupid metaphysical contradictions,” you grumble to yourself, and it actually brings out a slight chuckle from the man, who quickly tries his best to hide it. He shrugs. “Well, darlin’, I know nothin’ more than you.” “Don’t call me darling, cowboy.” “Cowboy?” His brows shoot up, a smirk lifting one side of his moustache slightly. “Because of the hat?” “And the accent. Thought you might prefer it to Ghost Boy... or Creepy McGee.” Another little chuckle falls from his lips as he leans forward, and looks at you. “You did follow me straight to my bedroom before. Creepy McGee would be a kind name for that.” “Cowboy is fine, sugar. Thanks, I guess.” “Ew. That’s worse than darling.” You finish the rest of your coffee in one mouthful, and look over to the man as he stands. “I’m still not convinced you’re real, just so you know.”  “What are the options then, darlin’? Ghost or what, exactly?” Or what, indeed. “And more importantly, how do I get back home?”  “The way I see it, we have three options.” “Based on what?” His hands are on his hips, and you forget for a second that he might not be there, he might not even exist. The breadth of his shoulders exaggerating the narrowness of his hands on his hips. Shit. Why couldn’t you have just met him in a bar instead? Why did he have to appear in your kitchen? He clears his throat, jolting you back to reality and you flush at the idea he’s just been watching you stare at him. The stupid smirk is back. “See something you like, darlin’?” He says, with a stupider wink. 

Ignoring him and his smug face, you begin. “Option One: I’m having some sort of mental health crisis and you’re a figment of my imagination. A symptom, if you will. Option two: You’re dead. You’re a ghost and, for whatever reason, you’re haunting me. Or, option number three,” you pause, “You’re not dead.” “Preferable, from my point of view.” He interjects, frowning. “Option three is more like, you’re not dead, but you’re close. Like you’re in a coma, but you’re still sort of haunting me. An apparition, astral projection, you know?” He’s nodding along, but silent, and still frowning. “Let’s rule out option one, I have no history of visual or auditory hallucinations, nor a family history of such things. So. Onto option two; there is a fairly wide and agreed consensus about ghosts, so we have ideas on next steps. Option three may be a little trickier though...” You trail off, placing your empty mug on the table in front of you. You stand, and walk over to a shelf to vaguely look at the DVDs. “Why is that one trickier?” He asks, sitting down onto the chair again. “Resources, mostly.” You tell him, over your shoulder. “There’s a lot of hauntings in film and TV, so a decent amount of lore to look into and test. But apparitions not so much.” You turn to him, and shrug. “Wait.” He says, processing what you’ve told him. “Film and TV? Those are your resources?” “Oh. I’m sorry. You got a library book recommendation? Name and number of an expert, perhaps?” You are just met with a huff and Ghost Cowboy just folds his arms and leans back. “Uncharted territory here, Mr Grumpy.” The look that replaces the sulk is priceless. “Sorry, sugar. But I think I’ll get my own answers.” He stands up and walks to the front door. His hands passes straight through the handle, so he sighs, and just walks forward. He can’t get through it though, hitting it like he would usually instead. Another sigh as he turns to you. “What now?”

…

He’s pacing again as you voice each thought crossing your mind. “So. Physical limitation to a place: ‘Beetlejuice’, ‘The Others’... Pretty common trope.” You pause. “Ooh, can we try something?” He stops his pacing and looks at you with a huff.  “Why not?” He says, throwing his hand out. “It’s not like it can get fuckin’ worse.” You stand and walk to the door. You open it, and walk back, past Mr Grumpy-Ghost-Cowboy, to the other end of the room. “Try to go through.” He does, hitting the invisible barrier. “Okay,” you move next to the open door, “try now.” He isn’t happy, but he tries again anyway. Nothing, still stuck. “Fine.” You move to the other side of the doorway, into your front garden. “One more time?” You raise your eyebrows and try to look sweet and innocent. “Please, Cowboy?” His hands are back on his hips. “Last time, English.” You nod, ignoring the newest nickname. It is decidedly better than darling and sugar, anyway. He tries again, and success. The cowboy walks through the door without any resistance. He looks shocked, and tries to walk further, perhaps out of your life forever. He’s stopped, again, at the wall. “Huh. Interesting.” You walk back inside your house, the ghostly intruder following you after a moment of pushing the solid air. “Very interesting. You weren’t dragged back by my reentering the house.” You close the door again, and move back to sit on the sofa. “So. We’re looking at… limited physical proximity to a specific person instead: ‘Heart and Souls’, ‘Just Like Heaven’, maybe? Sort of. Not quite.” You start to mumble to yourself, before lifting your head and looking directly at your guest. “I’m going to plan a movie marathon.” The ghost cowboy just shakes his head, frowning more than you thought possible. Any more, you think, and his eyebrows will start to fold in on themselves. “Look,” you tell him, “you’re not in pain, and you’re not fading away. I’m dealing in my own way, but I’m open to suggestions.” “Alcohol. Whiskey. Lots of it.”  “A cowboy who likes whiskey. Groundbreaking.”