#thought i was done with crying for the day but i guess not

[ink-stainedkiss]

Hugs & Kisses

MDNI!

Synopsis: All of the Jjk men love Valentine’s day, but they all like it for a different reason.

Including: Satoru Gojo, Suguru Geto, Kento Nanami, Ryomen Sukuna,Toji Fushiguro,

A/N: sooo ik it’s been 4 days since valentine’s but let’s just close our eyes and pretend im not late. I got sick while on my trip and these past 2 days i’ve been stuck in bed. Sorry for the delay, forgive me 🙏🥲 also am i insane for writing this much on my first ever smut post??? Idk i guess i got way to invested, but i hope you guys like it💕

Word Count: 3.2 k

Contents: Smut!, p in v, oral [m! & f! receiving], doggy, mating press, breeding k!, fingering, cowgirl, Sukunas stomach mouth ;)), light sub & dom, light dom & sub, crying, overstim, teasing, dirty talk, orgasm denying,

Satoru Gojo loves Valentine’s day because he’s able to show you off proudly, drowning you in presents, kisses, and candy. Pda is his specialty, but it really shows when the day winds down and he has you all alone.

He’ll be so sweet, dragging you into every store, buying everything you touch, and not even blinking as he swipes his card. However, the loverboy facade drops the moment you enter your shared apartment. He will slam his lips onto yours, leading you blindly into the bedroom as he continues to explore your mouth. Clothes are discarded on the floor and Satoru is frenzied to get you on top of him.

Mumbling sweet words for only you to hear, he lifts your shirt over your head, noting the lacy blue bra you decided to wear. That only makes him more ravenous and it’s off in an instant. His tongue swirled around your mouth, both of his hands cupping your breast, grunting as your clothed cunt rubbed against his bulge. You had him trapped between your legs, but Satoru wouldn’t want it any other way.

He pulled away from the feverish kiss, staring up at you with a look full of deep affection,”How did I get so lucky to have you?” He whispered, now holding onto your face,”Are you getting sappy while I'm on top of you right now?” You joked, raising a brow. He chuckled, planting small kisses on your cheeks,”Is a man not allowed to express his love?”

Something darker flashes over your eyes and you lean in,”How about you express your love by letting me ride you?” Satoru flashed his pearly teeth and his boxers were off in the blink of an eye. He watched you as you hovered over his cock, smirking to himself, but it quickly dissolves into a thin line as he hisses out.

You must be soaking since you practically slid onto him,”Holy s-shit, you’re, hah-sooo tight.” You guys have fucked multiple times, so it’s not like this was a shocker to Satoru, still he basically felt like a virgin when you swallowed him up. Your walls were squeezing him so good, he could probably bust right here. Though that would ruin his cool-guy persona. Again, that thought died once you started to rock against his hips.

A shaky pant pushed past Satoru’s lips and he threw his head back onto the pillows,”Fuck,ngh-you’re killin’ me.” His words didn’t reach you and you continued to bounce on his cock. With a loud moan, you strained your neck back and put your hands on Satoru’s large thighs. A ring of precum began to surround the base of Satoru’s cock as you lifted up and down, creating lewd noises. You picked up your speed, making the man below you grow louder.

“S-slow, mfg-fuckkk, slow down,” He slurred desperately, though he didn’t mean it. He would probably start crying if you actually did. Satoru became more needy and started to buck up, meeting you halfway to slam his hard cock into your cunt.

Satoru’s cock twitched inside of you and you could hear his stifled whines,”Baby,hngh b-baby m’cumminggg!” He sprayed ropes of his cum into you, pairing your insides, but you weren’t done yet, so even as he squeaked and squirmed under you, you didn’t stop. Satoru’s hands had fallen off your waist, now laying next to his head. You were fully in control, riding him like the night wouldn’t end.

Tears slipped past Satoru’s eyelids, facing you with a pathetic look,”S’too much, mhg-fuckk,” He trembled,”Baby, ngh-ohhh shit. I c-can’t, I can't,” You gave him an evil smile, not pausing your movements whatsoever,”You’re the strongest right?”

Satoru gasped as you slammed down on his cock, but nodded quickly despite his weakened state. You leaned in close, your breath fanning his ear,” Then you are gonna fuckin’ take me like the strongest.”

⏦ﾟ♡︎

Suguru Geto loves Valentine’s day because after a full day of gifts and shopping, he sees you in a breathtaking set of lingerie.

He loved them all, each color complimenting you. Dark purple was his favorite, for an obvious reason. Suguru couldn’t wait a second before tacking you to the bed and tearing the thin fabric off. You’ll complain about the ruined outfit, but it’ll be your last thought as Suguru quietly apologizes into your skin, his soft lips gliding down your thighs.

“I’ll get you a new one,My love.” One he most definitely will deface the same way this one was. Geto chuckles at how squeamish and fidgety you are. You were never one for teasing and he knows it, but the desperate need on your face is all the pleasure Geto needs.

It’s a bit crazy how sweet Geto acts, kissing you, saying small praises, only to deny your orgasm. You were so so close, practically riding his face, but just as you were about to come loose, he lifted his tongue from your cunt. A gasp leaves your mouth and Geto just laughs,”I wanna have a bit of fun with you, so just try and hold it a bit longer.”

He says so calmly, as if he’s not rubbing your clit with excruciatingly tiny circles. That’s the least of your worries as he aligns himself with your achy hole,”Just relax.” His reminder doesn’t help and he slides himself into your pussy agonizingly slow. His cock immediately fills you up, forcing a pained moan from you. Geto placed his large hand against your stomach as he grinds into you, making the feeling ten times more pleasant. It was torture.

Geto bends down, placing soft and teasing kisses to your neck. Your panting as he picks up his pace. You try to focus on your other senses: the slapping of skin, Geto’s faint moans next to your ear, his hands gripping on your waist, the smell of sex in the room. Sight was out of the question since you were forcing your eyes closed. Pornographic moans racked from your chest as Geto reached his hand toward your pussy and rubbed your clit.

Your back arched off the bed. Your scream being stifled by your lip in between teeth,”Fuck! Mm’ close-mghh” Groaning loudly, Geto watched your desperate state. Your body jolted and jerked against his hold and it was obvious you were close. He had admired you too long and you stared up at him with water-filled eyes,”Geto-nngh-pleaseee let me c-cum.” The words came out like a cry, your voice scratchy and weak from moaning so viciously.

Geto carried your cheek gently, a hint of mischief in his eye as he debated on seeing just how long you could deny yourself release, but thankfully, he wasn’t a monster,”Go ahead, my love.”

The fire that pooled in your abdomen finally exploded. Chills ran up your skin and you let out a shattering cry. You screamed out Geto’s name as white light flashed over your closed eyes. By the time you opened your eyes, you were breathless. Chest heaving, you saw Geto staring down at the mess you made. The pool of pleasure below you was evident and you could only wince as Geto slid his cock in and out of your flooded cunt. The sounds were obscene, but it only fueled Geto.

You met his gaze with a tired look, body still shaking from the intense orgasm. Though Geto was far from done, it was clear from the spark of sinfulness in his eyes,”How many times do you think I could make you do that again?”

⏦ﾟ♡︎

Kento Nanami loves Valentine’s day because he plans the most extravagant date and spoils you rotten. He also fucks you like it’s your last night on earth together.

Since he spoils you the entire day, you return the favor by jerking him off properly. Taking his hefty cock in your hands, you watch as his eyes practically roll to the back of his head,”Fuck-just like that.” His hips buck into your warm palms, craving the friction, but if you are feeling brave, you pull away, leaving him with nothing.

Vulnerable whines sneak their way through his lips, but Kento will cover them with small coughs or grunts, opting to plead ask kindly for you to continue,”Honey, god- would you please keep touching me?” The slight worry in his eyes is enough to make you break, going right back to his cock. His grip on the sheets is iron tight, but he reaches for your head when you begin to take him into your mouth.

Kento uses your mouth to get off, though he adores you, he can’t help to submit to the utter pleasure you're giving him. So much to the point he craves to hear more strained moans and gags as he fucks into your mouth. When he cums, he’s not surprised to see you have swallowed every drop of his sperm. Your hair is a mess, salvia glosses over your lips, your cheeks are flushed, but you have never looked prettier.

Valentine’s day is always the day he thinks he’s ready for a kid. He would have you in a mean mating press, your freshly bought set of nails marking his skin. Between his battered breaths and choked out moans, he’ll babble on about how pretty you’d look with a baby bump. You're too lost in his furious pounding to question it, tears streaming down your face, and you don’t hesitate to agree.

“Gunna fuck a baby into you Sweetheart,” He grunts with each snap of his hips. It makes you gasp, but he silences your shock with another thrust. He abuses your g-spot over and over, the knot in your stomach tightening to its limit.

When you finally cum all over Kento’s cock, he doesn’t want to stop. He continues to bully your overstimulated pussy, rough thumb circling your clit and becoming more wild by your orgasm. By the time your high has calmed down, Kento is using his large fingers to gather any of cum that spilled from your fluttering cunt and sliding it back into you. A soft whine escapes your mouth, but Kento shushes you gently,”I hope our baby has your eyes, Honey.”

⏦ﾟ♡︎

Ryomen Sukuna loves Valentine’s day because loves the way your eyes sparkle at the new jewelry set he got you.

The set is priceless. (since he most likely slaughtered a leader back then and stole it from them, but the gesture is still sweet) He isn’t quite sure what the purpose of this holiday is, but he knows that by the end of the night you’ll be under him, so he doesn’t mind.

It was a bit romantic how he forced you to strip but said to keep the beautiful diamonds around your neck. They were covered in jewels, a blood red ruby being the center charm. You couldn’t help but think that was the reason Sukuna gifted it to you. Though, that’s not on your mind as you ride his stomach’s tongue.

Your hands are scrambling to find balance atop his chest,while his hands are firmly placed on your hips. His large tongue delves into your soaked pussy, finding new spots to tease with the hot organ. Sukuna continues to giggle below you, watching closely as your face screws in the utmost pleasure. He barely has to do anything, letting his adorable girlfriend try and take him whole.

You have already came on his tongue twice, but the feeling is far too good to stop. Your moans are like a symphony to Sukunas ears and as you grind yourself onto his stomach, he watches the light glisten over the large ruby hanging from your neck. He can see the saliva gathering in your mouth, but before it can fall out, he lifts your head with one hand, forcing you to look at him. You swallow harshly, still bouncing on his abs, which were wet with your juices and sweat.

“You said you could take it.” Sukuna restates, smirking at your fucked-out look,”Were you lying to me?” The words come out like a purr and Sukuna had to grip your jaw tighter to make you speak,”I-i can. fuckkk,” short hiccups interrupted your babbling as Sukuna’s tongue reached your cervix. A deep laugh rumbled in his chest as you slammed your eyes shut.

His large tongue curled inside of you, forcing a scream from you. Your vision darkened and your mind grew fuzzy. All you could feel was the tightness in your stomach growing so big until it washed over you like electricity. Your orgasm came like a flash, making you quake even as it slipped away. Sukuna swallowed your juices in an instant. Well his stomach did. The anatomy wasn’t important since he reached out a hand, swiping between your folds and admiring the stickers strands on his fingers. He placed his index and middle in his mouth, sucking your cum off his fingers with a satisfied hum,”Just as sweet as ever.”

You were weak and delirious, falling on top of Sukuna’s sticky chest. He mended your flesh, focusing mainly on your ass, but the short massage felt nice. Sadly, the sweet moment faded as his tongue exited your dripping cunt, and you felt him lift you up, rubbing his hard tip against your fluttering lips. Your eyebrows creased in a small plea, but Sukuna only clicked his tongue,”Did I say we were done?”

⏦ﾟ♡︎

Toji Fushiguro loves Valentine’s day because he gets to splurge his checks on his favorite girl, though it’s not as expensive, it still makes your heart flutter. Though he doesn’t mind when the decorations of balloons and rose petals are ultimately destroyed after he pounces on you.

It’s the same every year. Toji wants to be romantic, dropping his usual erotic style of sex just for the holiday, but the switch is almost animalistic the way he turns into a beast after just a few thrusts. You will be laying on the bed, letting out soft and delicate moans as Toji ruts into you, but in the blink of an eye, he will have you face down ass up. Your back is so arched it almost hurts, but you would be lying if you said you weren’t going to end up begging him to fuck you like this.

Toji pounded his cock into you with brutal force, ripping a choked moan from your throat. A beefy arm was wrapped around your hips and you could feel the fact that Toji was bulging in your stomach. He laid against your back, his hot breath fanning on your ear as he spoke,”Happy Valentine’s day, Doll.” He was already so lost in your cunt and Toji was pretty shocked to get out a full sentence.

Your gummy walls swallowed him whole, practically milking him where he kneeled. He groaned as he pulled out half way, a chorus of wet fluids and cum sounding out together,”God, do you hear her? She’s just begging me to fill her up.” A pathetic whine slipped from your lips and you put your face into the pillows as an escape.

A ‘tsk’ noise sounded from Toji and you felt his large hand card through your hair and yank you back up. He pulled you up hard enough to the point you were both kneeling, his arm now keeping you upright,”Aw, don’t get shy now,” He thrusted up into you, making you cry out,”Doll, we’re just gettin’ started.”

His cock rested inside of you, twitching and completely stuffing you. You opened your mouth, but only small moans and whines fell out. Toji hummed teasingly, gripping your hair and making your head fall onto your shoulder,”Gotta use your words. I don’t know what you want, if you don’t speak Baby,” You were so embarrassed, but so turned on.

“Ngh,plea-shit.” You were tearing up, so distressed to make your boyfriend fuck you,”Please, f-fuck me Toji.” He didn’t need to be told twice.

⏦ﾟ♡︎

Choso Kamo loves Valentine’s day because he gets to spend the whole time cuddling and showering you in affection. The chocolate covered strawberries and candy taste good, but what tastes better is your soaking cunt on his tongue.

Your hand is gripping onto Choso’s dark hair like a life-line, vision going in and out as he devours you. It’s somewhat your fault for making him so needy for you. You both had been out in public, having no time for privacy, and now that you two were home, Choso wasn’t going to let you go. His hands are wrapped around your thighs, dragging you closer and closer to his hot mouth. Choso eats you out all the time, but there was a certain lust that flooded his veins when he was denied of you for too long.

Your first orgasm was like white lighting, cracking down through your core and silencing the world around you. You only gained some grip of reality when Choso slurped your juices quickly, his tongue flicking over your puffy clit occasionally and making you jolt. However, you knew you were in for a ride when his hold on you grew tighter and he rose from his place between your legs,” One more? C’mon, Sweetheart, it is a Holiday.”

His mouth and chin was covered in your slick. There was a small cloud of desire that blocked his vision and before you could give a shaky answer, he was already sucking on your clit. Yelping, you wrapped your thighs around Choso’s head, making him groan. The sound reverberated through your cunt and forced another moan from you.

By the time your second orgasm came, you were already gone. You were shaking, mumbling nonsense, and overstimulated. Each swipe of Choso’s tongue makes you gasp. Choso drank up your fluid like a man lost in the desert, not wasting a single drop. Tears welled in your eyes as he dragged his tongue flat along your lips, making you whine,”c-cho, please-mfg,so good,” Tears slip down your face, your words barely making it too Choso’s ears. (which may or may not because your thighs were covering them)

He looked up again, but slid two of his fingers past your puffy folds,”What was your favorite part about today?” He questioned innocently, as if he wasn’t fingering you. You let out a gasp as his lanky finger grazed over your g-spot, but left just as quick,”mghhh, I-i liked the,” gasping as he kitten licked your clit,”The flowers!” You squeaked

“I liked the f-flowers, ohh fuck, and-hnghh, the dinner!” You yelped the last part as Choso dragged a long stripe on your cunt. He hummed against your heat, making you jolt,”I liked spending time with you today, it was nice seeing you smile so much.” Your teeth grated against each other as you nodded, craving more of Choso. You tried shifting yourself closer to Choso’s tongue as he gave your cunt occasional licks, but either he didn’t get the hint or was ignoring them, he didn’t give you what you wanted.

“I also liked the restaurant we visited, it was super-“

“Choso!” You interrupted him. He perked up, curiosity in his eyes. You squeezed your eyes shut, completely caving to Choso’s will,” Please. Just fuck me.” That time Choso finally understood, clearer than ever.

[sometimes-dinosaurs-are-gay]

Ya, like. Ya.

And another thing; it's so much harder to be sad now. I was upset the other day about something out of my control, doesn't matter what it was. And I was feeling self conscious and angry and even started to hate myself a little like I used to. And I was crying with my girlfriend about it. And hours later, after the tears were done, after I had calmed down and was going to bed, I was thinking that I had never felt so hopeless before that crying session. Even when dad died. And the situation was *not that deep* lol. My gf checked on me before she came to bed. She said, "hey, are you gonna be ok if I stay up a little longer? Are you safe to be alone tonight?" God I love her. But, ya I was fine. In the past that would have been a dangerous night. But right then, it just sucked. I realized it sucked so much more because I had not thought of suicide once before she checked on me. It hadn't crossed my mind.

I don't have my out anymore. Now, when things suck, *I have to fix it.* I can't just wait to get brave enough to end everything. Now that that's not an option, I have to live. It's a lot of responsibility that I've never felt the weight of before.

In that way, I'm kinda grateful for my suicidality. I think it was a way of coping with a life situation that I had no control over and could not change. It does not serve me anymore, and I'm ok with that.

I've never been happier or more stable in my life, so I guess I don't need to die anymore.

Also Bupropion. It's good shit.

Being like. Post-suicidal is so strange. Like hiiiii everybody im new I spent a good chunk of my life languishing and have like 3 or 4 lived experiences. But now I'm ready to fuck and party or whatever. Can we be friends. Im so happy to be here. Can we be friends

[ssamlovr]

♨ lara raj . 𓄹⠀𓈒 ㅤׄ what am i to you? ㅤ𓄼 ⠀ㅤ

ii. ───“I guess they'd think we suit each other. If they saw us,” Lara says, biting her lower lip. “Everyone thought so, didn't they?”

“Yeah,” Yn agrees lightly, something short and quick that makes time stop. “Some things never change, right?”

This is what happens when you suddenly run into your ex-girlfriend in a coffee shop on a Wednesday. This is what happens when you agree to go out with her on something that shouldn't sound like a date. This is what happens when it does sound a lot like one, actually, and you've never really gotten over her.

But, well, Yn and Lara like to think that this is just the natural order of things.

�𝗣𝗔𝗜𝗥𝗜𝗡𝗚 𓈒𓈒𓈒 Lara Raj ⋆ 𝑓𝑒𝑚 𝗋𝖾𝖺𝖽𝖾𝗋 ・ 𝑤𝑐. 7.k ・ 𝑔. 𝖿𝗅𝗎𝖿f , hurt/comfort—Exes to Lovers. that embarrassing moment when you see your ex for the first time after a while 😓

Lara likes to call herself a lucky person. Over the years, she has often found herself in situations where only the good grace of luck could save her. Like that kind of moment when you're a kid and you've just broken your mother's favorite plate, and then she finds out and she's angry. And, like the good liar that you are, you just put the blame on the dog or cat or whatever it is that could break something other than you. 

For some reason, your mother believes you, you're free from any scolding, and that's luck. Lara really loves that. 

Lately, though, She's been trying too hard to hold on to that thought. It shouldn't be difficult, you know, but it is. After a certain point, Lara should just have given up looking for the thing that would keep getting her out of scoldings and bad situations that leave her puffy-eyed in the morning after a night of pure crying. Surely, as the stubborn person she is and always has been, none of that would make her stop believing that it would all be worth it one day. Because, of course, there's only one thing sweeter than luck, and it's called karma. 

Again, Lara likes to call herself a lucky person. It doesn't necessarily mean that she is—the universe has proven that to her a lot of times. 

And, well, this is one of them, that's for sure. It's a Wednesday, it’s spring, and she needs a coffee. Like, physically needs it, becauses she's miserable to the point of having become addicted to caffeine at the age of nineteen, and apparently, it hasn't ruined her life enough for her to have done anything about it at all. 

Much because of her desperation for coffee, Lara just walks into the first coffee shop that happens to be in front of her, without really caring about how it all sounds. This leads her into a relatively empty one, with just a few people sitting at tables studying or working, too distracted to pay attention to anything. 

She’s quick to make her order: an iced Americano that she would later make a point of adding a lot of sugar to. It's a soft smile on her lips that she gives to the barista before standing in a corner next to the counter where they hand out the orders, waiting for her coffee.

Meanwhile, she pulls out her cell phone in order to check her inbox to see what her next headache at work would be. Obviously, she gets distracted and suddenly ends up on another one of those pages of cute cats videos on TikTok, and that—that is the real problem. Because if she hadn't been so focused on something other than what was going on around her, she might actually have done something, like run or panic or just— 

She should definitely stop drinking coffee.

Because, before she can even assimilate anything, The girl is raising her head once she hears the barista say that same order she's always been so familiar with and a name. 

 A name that has never, not even once, failed to send Lara to fucking hell for her sins.

Then, Yn, after seeing who is right in front of her, doesn't even seem to really care about her order anymore. An oat milk latte with one shot of vanilla syrup, by the way, which is strange, because she always used to order two, and just didn't add a third one because she was afraid the barista would think she was a sugar addict. Yn, in fact, seems almost as surprised as Lara by the whole situation, her eyes wide as they always were when she was scared, or panicked, or a mixture of the two. Lara guesses that maybe that’s one of the times when she’s just both, actually.

What Yn does, in fact, is stand facing Lara, looking as if she really hasn't realized that she was there before, well, doing it. Lara wonders if she isn't just thinking of turning around and pretending that none of this had ever happened and not even worrying about her coffee. Because, well, that's what Lara is considering doing, and she and Yn have always had terribly similar minds. 

But, going against all her expectations and perhaps false desires, Yn does what even she didn't know she had the courage to do, because what comes out of her lips is a simple, “Hi.”

And Lara should have continued with her plan to just run away, because ‘panicking’ is already in action, in truth. However, she also didn’t know she had the guts to do that either, because suddenly all she says back is, “Hello.”

It's silence after that. A terrible, absolute, panic-filled silence. And neither of them really thought that one day that peaceful quietness they were always so used to sharing would suddenly become that. 

Well, not so suddenly. It's something that would hurt Laras heart if she even dared to think about it. 

Surprising Yn and herself, Lara is the first to break it, pointing with her chin to the drink that has been forgotten on the counter. “One shot, huh? It was always two at least.” 

Yn seems to flinch at that, as if still trying to identify that little trace of humor in Lara's voice, though always mixed with a little discomfort. And she can't cling to the fact that Lara remembers it, she can't. Yet Yn does it anyway.

“Trying to cut off,” she shrugs before shyly picking up her coffee, looking at it in her hands just so she doesn't have to face the girl. It's an awkward instant between them where they both look away too many times to count, although neither is really willing to move. Incredibly, it’s Yn who continues, “So... how's your family? Your friends?”

Lara pauses. Trying to pull herself together again. “Oh, you know. Family is family. And Yoonchae still asks me to help her do her homework.” 

Yn chuckles quietly. God, Lara has never forgotten how that sounds, but it still seems completely new. “You mean... she asks for your help and you basically do it for her?”

Yn blinks. Are we reminiscing about the past, then? She thinks, a nasty little voice in her head, though not strong enough to stop that particular loud beating of her heart. 

“You know I can never say no to her when she makes those puppy eyes.” 

The smile that appears on Yn's face is absolutely breathtaking. There's no other word for it when it just looks so... genuine. Her dimples and that little bag under her eyes don’t lie. Lara knows that better than anyone.

"You're fine. I couldn't either.” Yn nods slightly. 

Yeah, you couldn't say it to me too, that voice once again, and then Lara needs a lot of strength to let it go.

“And... what about you? Does Manon still send you hundreds of messages to update you about her day?” Lara asks because, Jesus, she misses Manon so much. 

“Not as much as before, unfortunately,” Yn says with a shrug. “She's got a girlfriend now. Someone better to do the job.”

“Sorry, but I think she kind of did that with everyone,” Lara smiles softly at the memory of having lots and lots of photos of Manon in her gallery because the girl always made a point of sending them. And who exactly was Lara to deny something as sweet as that? “Never getting tired of talking and stuff.”

“Oh, did she used to text you too?” Yn frowns. 

“Every day.” 

Yn makes that expression of when she's disappointed about something, though never serious enough. Lara feels like she could die at the very moment. “Ah, and I thought I was the only one.”

You were for me, oh, the voice decided to be sensitive for the first time. Something is happening, then.

Well, maybe this is what happens when you suddenly run into your ex-girlfriend who you broke up with less than five months ago. Actually, Lara hadn't even had a chance to properly celebrate another month that had passed since that, because there is still a week to go before it's really five months. In any case, she could hardly call it a celebration, considering that it would probably consist of her crying more and more about the break-up she hadn't gotten over. 

Not that she'd ever thought she could get over Yn. Not that she'd ever thought she could break up with Yn, but there they are, and actually all Lara wants to do is kiss her on the lips and taste the coffee she'd just started drinking. Lara is still sure it would be sweet even with just a dose of vanilla syrup. 

But no. She wouldn't do that, because that Yn isn’t there for that. She is no longer the Yn that Lara loved so much to kiss and talk to about life, she hadn't been for much more than just five months.

She's the ex-girlfriend Yn. No longer just girlfriend. It's a distinction that Lara still has to learn to make inside her mind. 

Suddenly, it's her order that's called, and she can do nothing but pick up her coffee with trembling hands, knowing full well that Yn is watching her movements, because that's what she always does. It's still too hesitant the way they just stand there, facing each other, waiting for the moment when they would inevitably separate and then that would be the last time. 

Well, change of plans, apparently, because it's Yn who says, “Well, that was really nice, actually,” and it’s a second longer than usual before she can fully meet Lara's eyes. “Maybe we should do that on purpose sometime.”

And Lara wishes she could say that they definitely, certainly wouldn't do that. 

She can't, however, because she just nods and leaves the café with the one who should at least sound like her ex-girlfriend. Doing what should at least sound like one last time. Far from it, unfortunately. 

She already knew for a long time that it wouldn't be at all.

It's not a date. 

It's a Saturday night, no longer a Wednesday morning. It's still spring, though, just like that first time. Lara is wearing that pair of jeans that she always tries to forget the fact that Yn really liked but, well, they're really nice, so she can't exactly blame her.

She's not that worried about the way she looks. Maybe a little, maybe too much. 

It's not a fucking date. But maybe Lara wants it to be one, maybe yes, maybe no. She’s still making up her mind about it.

As she watches Yn's car drive into her street, she can't help the insistent pounding in her heart, ripping through the walls of her body. She also still can't help the small smile she's forced to give when Yn opens the door for her from the inside, and then it's only a second before she can leave the cold night behind and sit down in the passenger seat. 

The car is warm, the heater should probably have been on just a minute before. It was something Yn always did, leaving the car warm before Lara got into it, because she liked to be comfortable, but hated the feeling of the warm air hitting her. 

Well, she’s doing it again, apparently. Still on that reminiscing thing and all that, then. 

“So... where are we going today?” Lara asks softly once Yn starts driving again. Only after making sure that Lara had put on her seat belt, of course. 

Yn hums quietly, just one hand on the wheel. Lara used to think it was dangerous when people did that before she saw her do it, because then all she could think was that this is the hottest thing a girl could do, if that girl is Yn. “How about that restaurant we used to go to?” she suggests, a trace of hesitation in her voice that only Lara could recognize. 

“Which one?”

“That restaurant,” Yn licks her lips. “The first one.” 

Lara blinks. “Oh. That one.” 

It's such a short silence that she can't even recompose herself, because then Yn is looking at her slightly. Fast enough to make it shatter, not so long to break it completely—although it’s so dangerously close. She doesn't even have enough time to say something else before Yn murmurs in that tone of voice that has always been just for Lara: “But we can always go somewhere else if you want.” 

Lara chuckles silently. The old Yn would never say that, because she was the one who always made sure to plan all their dates, with no exceptions. Lara trusted her blindly, and her expectations were never broken. Perhaps she still does, even after everything.

“No, it's okay,” She reaffirms, glancing at Yn as she focuses on the road again. It’s much easier to do that when she isn't looking back. “Won't that be too nostalgic, though?”

Yn seems to take a second to think about it and, God, she hasn't changed a bit, still with the black hair that always fell into her eyes and that habit of biting her lower lip when she's too lost in her thoughts. Lara didn’t expect her to change, because it's only been five months, but there's always that type of person who, after a break-up, dyes their hair or changes their style or gets a piercing. Not Yn, though. She's still just the same as before—although Lara thinks she wouldn't look bad with an eyebrow piercing. 

"Maybe,” Yn says after a moment, so quietly that Lara wouldn't have noticed if she hadn't been so focused on her in the first place. “but let’s do it anyway.”

And, as always, This girl can do nothing but agree. Accept. Because what exactly would she do for that person who never stopped looking like the girl she fell in love with and promised to keep doing so for the rest of her life?

When they finally arrive at the restaurant, she can be sure that her mind starts to combust with all the deja-vu invading her head without warning. It's a complete avalanche as soon as she and Yn ask for a table for two and instinctively choose that particular corner of the room. And Jesus Christ, Lara should have denied it, she shouldn't have been there, not in that restaurant, not with Yn, not with any of that—

It's a date, she realizes when suddenly everything leads them to that same old table that is always empty, just waiting for them.

Yn pulls out the chair for her to sit on and they both smile. The waiter comes and they order what they, again, always used to. They talk about something meaningless, about the present, about the future, all seeming too sensitive to touch open wounds like the past. Still, Lara can't help but notice the way a lock of hair keeps falling into Yn's face, and she needs too much strength to stop that desperate impulse of her to just lean in a little and—

Look, Lara never considered herself a particularly strong person. She's lazy and doesn't like working out, her favorite weekend activity is watching bad romantic comedies and sleeping. She always hated having to carry heavy things, whether it’s her own home furniture or bags from the market. Just like her physique, she never expected her mind to be strong—in fact, it might even be weaker. 

The point is, Lara doesn't know how to stop it all from happening. All of it, from start to finish. She doesn't know how to stop her eyes from always falling on Yn after a pause in their conversation, seeming to hesitate about it in a way that they never, ever did. She doesn't know how to stop her heart from beating so fast after months of feeling completely frozen—she doesn't know how to stop wondering about all those things, about what was and what could have been. God, they'd never had to doubt anything between them for years, but then everything seemed so damned lost overnight. 

Well, not really, and she knows it. She's there, with Yn, and it doesn't seem as lost as before. Maybe they have found each other after all, but at what cost?

Because they are in that same restaurant, at that same table. They had been there a thousand times, because she loves the meat and Yn loves anything Lara loves. Because that was the place of their first date, and what happened afterwards was also one of the many... first times they had with each other. 

That's another first, then. The first date after the break-up. Just as miserable as the whole story. 

Sometimes all Lara really, truly wants, without second thoughts or hesitations, is for her and Yn to just exist. To forget everything and skinny dip in water under the bridge. In what they had always done so well together. 

And Lara is resilient most of the time, but she's sinking with the ship when suddenly Yn says, “What are you thinking about?”

She blinks, realizing she has been silent for too long. “Just... you know, it's been a long time since I last came here. Everything looks the same, though.”

“Really? You've never been here on your own?” Yn asks and she looks so innocent. Lara can't even get mad about it. 

She just snorts, taking a soft sip from her glass of water which serves as a distraction from having to stare into Yn's eyes, too focused on the liquid. “You know I didn't.”

“Why’s that?”

She needs a second more. Perhaps an eternity. “It reminds me of you. Here. I just... thought it wouldn't make sense if I wasn't with you.” 

Yn opens and closes her mouth a few times, so disoriented that she swears everything starts to move around her. “But you love the meat here...” she mutters, a sad sigh escaping from between her lips. 

Yeah, Lara thinks, and it's a melancholy smile on her face when she can't look away. But I love you more. 

Shs doesn't bother answering after that, because then the food arrives. Just to add to all those thoughts in Lara's brain, she can be sure that the waiter is the same as the one from the first time. From the first date. It's something that would make her just walk out and plan her suicide if she didn't, in fact, love meat.

It's easier to take it while they're eating, even though she can't help but notice the way Yn looks at her, her eyes full of admiration as she watches Lara enjoying her favorite meal. Well, Yn can't help but do that, so it’s okay. 

Somewhere between all that, as always, it's really suddenly the way she just lets her gaze linger on the red-haired girl for too long when she asks, again, very suddenly, “Do you remember that time we made a video to our futures selves?”

Lara blinks, and if the grip of her fingers on the fork hadn't been so strong it would probably have fallen straight onto her plate. She doesn't know if she's liking this reminiscing about the past thing anymore. 

“Yeah. I guess I must have it saved somewhere,” she replies softly, trying to sound casual. She knows exactly where that video is, though. That album in her phone gallery named with a simple (yet devastating) “gf <3” that, even after five months, she has been unable to delete. 

And she has never been able to delete any of it, in fact. When they messaged each other to arrange that “date”, the last texts were still saved in the chat, ghosts hanging around.

“Do you... remember what you said?” Yn asks, hesitation leaking down her throat, falling through her words. It didn't take long for Lara to notice that her cheeks are starting to turn that shade of pink, but maybe it’s just—maybe it’s just the natural color of it. 

Lara smiles sadly, her heart heavy in her chest. “I think I said I wanted to marry you,” she murmurs and doesn't have the courage to look at her ex's eyes at the moment, already knowing that there is that same glint as before. “Silly, isn't it?”

“Not much,” Yn swallows dryly, playing with her fingers in that nervous way. The blush on her face has stopped being natural for quite some time. “It used to make sense at the time, I guess.”

I think it never stopped doing so, is a ponderous thought that Lara lets invade her mind.

“yeah,” Lara's lips curve wistfully. “What about you?”

Yn smiles and it looks sincere. She's always been terrible at hiding her emotions anyway. “I told you that you suited me well. Or that I suited you. Something like that.” 

Oh, there it is. Lara remembers it perfectly, the day they recorded the video, the way it all sounded like a promise. She remembers when Yn pulled her closer, the cell phone still in her hand, and then they kissed until they forgot all their words and that would be enough. It was always so enough that—

Lara lets out, “You...”

“What?” Yn doesn't even hesitate. 

“It’s stupid.”

Yn snorts, something sweet that makes her dimples appear slightly. Lara has always dreamed of always making her smile and then keeping them there forever. “It’s okay. All this is stupid.”

Lara smiles too, she can't help it. It’s all so, so stupid. Impulsive and reckless, just so... them. 

 They've always been that right from the start, haven't they? Getting carried away and adoring every part of it, without a single thought about the things they knew that were meant to be. And sometimes Lara Raj likes to think that they could just take it all off and start again, but at others she just wants to carry on like this. 

Just never change the way they had always loved to be. 

“Do you still think that?” She asks, something catching in her throat when Yn doesn't let her look away. A sparkle in her eye that keeps Lara in place. “That we suit each other?

Yn blinks once, twice, and everything starts to slip away, “Maybe. Yeah. I think so.” she pauses. “I mean, can you suddenly stop suiting someone?”

Lara sighs, and all she wants to say is no, you cannot. Not us. But then she has to control herself and looks away, taking a much deeper sip of water than she probably would in any normal situation. 

“It wasn't that sudden, though.” 

She instantly regretted it, just like everything she had done before. The girl's gaze freezes for a few seconds and Lara can feel her own heart doing the exact same thing. 

“Still.” Yn whispers, anyway, because that's what she always does. 

Yeah, still, Lara's mind pulses. God, she's really starting to regret all that—not that she didn't regret everything else as well. She certainly, without a single doubt, regretted what had caused them to be there, in that same restaurant they had gone to as girlfriends, but now as exes. And yet, it didn't seem enough for her to even think about stopping it. For her to try to stop the way her heart pounded when Yn sent that message asking her out, and then she knew. 

She's never really going to stop doing that sort of thing, is she? What they always liked to call love. 

The guilt and regret Lara feels about all the previous events should be the answer to all of it, actually. Because she regrets meeting Yn in the coffee shop, talking to her, accepting everything. And this is only happening because the fact is, Lara didn't want it to happen at all. Under no circumstances did Lara want Yn to have become someone she couldn't even look at, someone she could now only miss—someone who, for so long, had been perfect for her in every way. 

She didn't want it to have changed. None of the things, absolutely none of them—and how bad is it to say that maybe Lara never wanted to stop making sure that Yn loved her exactly the way she said she did?

Because, God, now she doesn't even know if she does. Like, at all, and that's just—

“Do you,” Yn suddenly speaks up again, catching Lara's eye as she gently points out with her chin at a couple at the table next to them. “think they would think we suit each other?

Lara blinks, looking at the couple. It's a man and a woman, probably only a few years older than them. They are pretty, and they definitely suit each other, that kind of beauty that complements the other perfectly. She can't help but wonder what they are to each other, if this is their first date, or if it will be their last. She notices the ring on her finger, beautiful and shiny, and Lara finds herself wondering if she has ever thought of taking it off, putting it aside and just... existing without it. Did she ever think that one day she would be able to do it? That one day it would be possible?

Lara never thought she could. Still, the ring Yn had given her is kept in a hidden place in her room and she has never been able to look at it since what they regretfully called the end. 

“I don't think they even saw us, Yn,” Lara says flatly, but her heart skips a beat when she can't exactly look at her. 

Yn blinks at that, embarrassed. “You're right,” she makes that head movement she always does when she's upset, or ashamed, or whatever that used to make Lara automatically lean in for a soft kiss as an apology. “Sorry.”

Lara sighs, staring at her plate which has already started to empty as dinner goes on. It's not even five seconds later that she looks at the couple again, and then at Yn. At her eyes, beautifully illuminated by the restaurant lights, at her ridiculously long eyelashes fluttering gently, at her angelic expression. 

Fucking hell, she hasn’t changed at all. She's still Yn, the same old Yn. The one who hadn't even hesitated to make Lara fall madly in love with her in a pathetically short space of time. 

And again, fucking hell. Lara is starting to be really grateful for that.

“But... I do,” the words are out of her mouth before she can even think about it. 

 “You what?” Yn blinks, her full attention on her again.

“I guess they'd think we suit each other. If they saw us,” Lara says, biting her lower lip in a way that always makes Yn unable to control herself, just giving up and staring at it. It’s only a second before she realizes it and tries to look away. “Everyone thought so, didn't they?”

I think so too, she smiles softly as she watches the couple again, a bad excuse to avoid her gaze. Not that it would ever stop Yn from looking at her anyway. 

“Yeah,” Yn agrees lightly, something short and quick that makes time stop. “Some things never change, right?”

Lara turns to her, they look at each other. It's infinite, profound, as if everything is still the same as before. As if they are the same as before. 

And they wouldn't talk about it, but they both hope they are. 

They would never change. That's one thing—or rather promise— they've known and would continue to know from the very first moment they met. 

Lara was sixteen when it happened. When the two of them looked at each other for the first time and automatically knew that there was something between them that would make them happen, from the beginning to the end to the beginning again. And who exactly were they to stop something that looked so much like the fatality of their own beings? 

They became that typical high school couples. The ones who ate lunch and drank coffee together, who studied in the library and kissed in the restrooms, just because they were too shy to do it in the hallways. Yn was the girlfriend who picked flowers on the way to class and gave them to her lover, and Lara was the one who kept them all until they wilted, and then Yn would be there to give new ones again. It was the natural order of things, it was how they would always be. 

It was only at the end of high school that problems began to arise. They already had them, of course, like every other person and couple out there—like anyone who broke up, like anyone who stayed together regardless. However, they very decidedly thought that there would be nothing in the world that could make them stop loving each other, let alone something that would make them fall apart. 

They were right about one of those things. One of the many promises they would never risk breaking. 

The point is, relationships are complicated, and any minimally decent person knows that, and so did they. Living practically together, which had always been so easy, suddenly became very difficult for both of them. With the end of the semester, the month, the week and the day, they were constantly stressed, angry, very easy to fight, very difficult to fix. These were things that slowly drained them, making them lose their desire for everything they had always loved: the slow, deep kisses became quick and meaningless, the result of a habit. The times they spent hours talking about life became short minutes where they asked how the day was, how they were, and then the answers would always be the same. The warmth, which had always been so right to make them certain, gave space to the cold, which always created so many doubts.

 And although they tried everything to make it different, so that it didn't really affect what they had, well, it did, and it was just too many things to deal with at once. 

So, they broke up. Without much talking, without much logical thought behind it. They just sat down on the couch after one of the many little arguments they had during the day, looked at each other, and then it was there. 

Something that neither of them had the strength to resolve. 

They both cried, it seemed mutual. And anyone looking at it would probably think it was because there was just no more love between them, because there was no longer anything they could fight for. But no. 

The love never really died, and that was the worst part. They just couldn't wait for the moment when they would hurt each other so much that they would actually kill it. 

Some time later, Lara continued to think and make theories about it. About why everything had ended up that way, why they had turned into that. And, really, there was nothing dramatic about it, something worthy of the silver screen; it was real, human, a flower slowly wilting until it had a chance to be watered again. 

Five months passed where they were separated, waiting for the moment when they would have that again. 

The answers to all their doubts: why they had fallen in love with each other from the start, why they had never been able to stop doing it. 

It had been about four years of dating, five months apart. And still, still, no kind of ending would ever make them forget why they had started in the first place.

At the end of the night, Yn stops the car on Lara's street, in front of her apartment, and then the silence is instantaneous. 

The song that was playing before suddenly stops, letting another one start, but neither of them is paying attention anymore. They were talking about something, probably, and all Lara wants to do is beg Yn to just go back to driving, and then they would talk again and everything would be fine. 

She just wants five more minutes. She doesn't want to go home. 

What happens instead is Yn looking at her and smiling softly, something sad behind her expression as she says, “I really liked tonight.”

The smile Lara is ready to give back instantly trembles. “Me too. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Thanks for running into me in the café that day.” 

“Thanks for saying hi to me first,” Lara adds with an amused giggle soon after and this makes Yn's smile become more sincere. Lara feels like she might melt right then and there. 

“Why? Wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't?” Yn asks softly, leaning back in the driver's seat. 

“I mean, I didn't know what to do.” Lara confesses honestly. “It's good that you did, though.”

Yn chuckles quietly, playing with her fingers in her lap, smiling sweetly when she sees that Lara is watching it. “Well, I didn't know what to do either. I just... thought well, why not, mhm?” she murmurs, and then she has Lara's eyes back on her. It's something that warms her heart just like before. “It felt a bit like before when we were talking. So... I don't know. It was nice. It was all nice.” 

“I think so too,” Lara nods, agreeing softly when she feels her ears turn slightly red. And she isn't someone who gets hot easily, but suddenly the inside of the car seems to be on fire. “It's as if... nothing has really changed.”

Yn has to wait a second for that. “It hasn't. Me and you,” she swallows dryly, her voice much more serious when she can't bring herself to look at Lara completely. “Even after everything... we're still the same, aren't we?”

It's a trace of hesitation in her voice that makes Lara have the hungry instinct to just kiss her until Yn is completely sure about whatever she's talking about. Until she never has to doubt anything between them again.

“Yeah. I guess so,” she just assents, however, something quick and short that makes them both look away for a second.

Lara knows that this is the moment when she will probably just leave, go home, and then that would be the last time. They wouldn't meet again, whether in a coffee shop or in the restaurants they used to go to together that now neither of them can go to alone again. They wouldn't talk about it, either, there would be no other messages or calls or excuses for them to see each other. There would be no other time, no other end. That would be it, and that would be that. 

But no, of course not. The car doors are still locked, She is still there, Yn hasn't moved. It's a beat of silence short enough for her to have the courage to break when Lara dangerously asks, “Do you remember our first kiss?”

Yn freezes at that, as if suddenly everything is coming back to her brain more than automatically. It had happened a few years before, in that exactly same place, exactly after everything they are doing again this night. The first date, the first kiss— and then…

“Of course,” she mutters, her voice low as she still doesn't dare to look at Lara from that angle. “How could I forget?”

Lara takes a deep breath, just to have the strength. Just to have the heart for it. “You were right there, and I was right here. We were coming back from the same restaurant as now, from our first date. Then suddenly...” she allows herself to smile, Yn's hands trembling from where she can see. “You kissed me. I kissed you back, and it was very weird at first because you'd never really kissed anyone before.”

 Yn lets out a laugh. Sincere, loud, the kind that never failed to make Lara's heart flutter just as it is doing now. 

“I was nervous!” Yn bursts out, finally looking at her. her dimples are on full display and Lara has to control herself a lot not to just lean over and put her finger in that particular spot. 

Instead, she laughs too, because Yn doesn't stop, and who is Lara, if not the person who has never been able to deny any of the various paths that Yn has leading her down? 

“But... I mean, are you now?” Lara asks softly once her giggles are no longer echoing around, a very risky question given the situation. 

Yn looks at her for a second longer, a trace of laughter slowly draining from her face. Although never that little smile. “Why would I?”

Lara shrugs, hesitantly. “I don't know. You always used to get nervous around me.”

Yn swallows dryly. “Yeah. Used to. In the past.”

“Yeah, but... it could, I don't know, have been one of the things that hasn't changed either.”

 It's an instant of silence between them and suddenly the air becomes much heavier, taking much more effort to enter their lungs. Their eyes meet and that contact lasts much longer than it normally would, much longer than it should, but neither of them does anything to stop it. Neither of them seems to have the courage, neither of them seems to want to.

 “What else hasn't changed?” Yn asks, her voice trembling so slightly that Lara wouldn't even notice if she wasn't so attentive to the other's every move. 

Lara licks her lips and Yn stares, not looking away for a single second. It's so instinctive that she doesn't even have time to feel embarrassed about it. She has all her attention focused on Lara's mouth as it curves around the words, “You know what.”

Yn is a weak woman, she has always known that, but then everything becomes much more obvious when she notices exactly what Lara has been doing. Pushing and pushing right up to the edge until the moment when the other would have to take the first initiative, the first move, the first action. And surely there is no one else in the whole world who loves playing that role more than Yn.

“I know,” She whispers, practically hypnotized by the way Lara's eyes are watching her at that moment, not even trying to hide the fact that she is looking at Yn's lips too. Slow and intoxicating and so damn beautiful.

Lara isn't particularly strong either, because her lips tremble visibly when she can't look away and then everything seems to slow down. “And... what exactly are you going to do about it?”

It's not even a breath later that she knows. And, God, she's never been so happy to know about something, because then Yn is leaning in and Lara doesn't even have the heart to stop the way their lips fit perfectly into the kiss she has spent so long dreaming about. 

And none of her dreams would live up to reality, because apparently Yn is determined to make it better . When their mouths meet and Lara automatically kisses her back, it's very gentle for the first ten seconds. Just a pressing of lips as if they are still exploring new waters, mastering new places. At some point, however, Lara is sighing as she leans closer, holding Yn by the face, and then that's it. 

It takes exactly one instant and a gasp for Yn to throw her hands all over her, holding Lara by the neck to deepen their kiss. It had been a long time, but she would never forget what it’s like to kiss Yn, never forget what it is like to love every moment of it. 

“I miss you,” Yn whimpers between kisses, her eyes closed when all she can feel is Lara against her mouth, blindly searching for more.

Lara smiles at that and Yn feels it, wishing she could do it forever. “I'm right here,” and she is. god, she is.

It's intoxicating the way they get closer and closer, as if they're focused on breaking that claim that two people can never be in the same exact place at the same time. 

Well, Lara knows a thing or two about her and Yn. And one of those is that nothing is really impossible for two people who would never stop loving each other.

[red-leaf-tea-hot]

i wasn't feeling well so i thought i'd watch star trek for some comfort - the ds9 episode "the visitor" just hit me like a fucking TRUCK

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[phagodyke]

the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍

[ganondoodle]

sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-

not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better

honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of

[ghostclangen]

Marshlily dreams of the Dark Forest again. The smell of rot fills her nostrils, and she retches, barely holding down the contents of her stomach. She’d dreamt about it every night for moons now, but she still can’t get used to the squelching of mud between her toes, the only sound in the uncannily silent expanse. What did she do to end up here, so far from StarClan?

She takes a few steps forward, but quickly stumbles. The shaking is worse here, rapid jerks that make it difficult to walk—not that trying to run away would save her. 

“Is anyone here?” she calls, as she always does; her words are chopped up by the tremors that wrack her body. It’s with a frozen feeling in her stomach that Marshlily realizes that that’s not the only thing cutting her off; in what feels like just seconds, her throat has become clogged with foul-tasting blood. She hacks it up, splattering red on the damp ground, but it just keeps coming, choking her more and more by the second no matter how much she coughs and splutters.

This hasn’t happened before. This is new. Panting between coughs, she stares down at the pool of blood that’s growing on the grass before her. She’s faint, fainter than she should be; it’s not so much a loss of blood that makes the world bleary, but a sort of … a sort of … Marshlily shakes her head, unable to think of some way to describe it but finding herself unable to think of the words. 

She digs her claws into the earth to keep herself grounded. Her mind, however, can’t be gathered so easily; the dissolving feeling lingers. I’m all apart, the part of her that remains within in her grasp thinks. Through a mouth of blood, she gives a garbled cry once again: “Is anyone here? Help me!” 

After a few moments of silence, Marshlily hangs her head and whines gutturally. Why does she even try anymore? Nobody ever answers …

And then someone does. 

A familiar voice echoes in her ears, high-pitched and scratchy: “Marshlily …”

Weakly, Marshlily lifts her head, her ears pricked. “... Hornetstar?” she asks. “Where are you?”

“We care about you, Marshlily.” “We need you, Marshlily.” “Come home, Marshlily.”

Marshlily looks frantically from side to side, looking for Celebi, Crageagle, and—her heavy heart jumps in her chest—Charredtail. “Where are you? Where is everyone? Did you come to rescue me?” 

As the voices continue, they begin to sound closer, and with some time, Marshlily can pinpoint the direction they’re from. She takes a wobbly step toward them, but she makes it only a few taillengths before the voices of her loved ones fall quiet and a piercing scream erupts inside her brain. It’s like that alien feeling she’s been having, but worse, overwhelming her senses. There are no words put to it, no way to understand what’s going on, just a desperate yowl. 

“Leave me alone!” Marshlily cries. “Let me go!” She sinks to the ground in a heap as the screeching continues and begins to scream herself, wearing her bleeding throat raw. Of course it wouldn’t let her go. Of course her only hope would be a trap. The dissolving feeling, which had dissipated slightly, comes back with a vengeance. She really could just lie there and give in—it’d be a lot less painful …

As soon as she resigns herself to the faintness, though, something cuts through the screaming. It’s faint, but it’s there, and little by little it gets louder until Marshlily can finally hear it clearly: “I love you, Marshlily. I’ll always love you.”

It takes Marshlily a few moments to recognize the voice, but when she does, her breath stops in her chest. “Mom?” she asks, her voice wobbling. “Mom, is that you?” Half-remembered memories float to her head: milk scent; a soft, murmuring voice; the warmth of her siblings snuggled up against her. 

The voice doesn’t answer. Instead, it continues, “You have to keep going.”

It’s with uncertaintly that Marshlily gets to her paws, and the screaming in the back of her head never relented, but nonetheless, she does. Her movements are jerky and discoordinated, and she stumbles over her paws more than once, but with nothing else to do, she follows the voices of her loved ones: “It’ll be okay, Marshlily.” “You have to keep trying.” “Just follow my voice …”

She can’t begin to tell how long it takes—it could have been minutes or days; they’re all the same here—but eventually, as Marshlily continues in her unsteady gait, something shifts behind the rotting trees. The air here is always a bit misty, but this is different: a hulking wall of fog hangs ahead of her, condensing in mere seconds as she approaches, as if it were waiting for her. 

Tentatively, Marshlily pads through the last few trees ahead of her and into a small clearing. She can see the fog clearly from here; it writhes like something alive, but she doesn’t find herself unsettled by the breath-like undulations. Instead, she’s overwhelmed by a feeling of welcomeness and love. She takes a few steps toward it and realizes something: she can walk straight now. The jerking has stopped, and when she swallows, she finds that there’s no taste of blood in her mouth any longer. She’s thinking clearer, too. 

“Come here,” a chorus of voices says, and Marshlily grits her teeth. What if it’s a trap? What if she never gets better? What if she falls right back into the thrall of whatever—whoever—is screaming inside her head? 

But then, what other choice does she have …? It’s stay here and dissolve into nothingness or risk the pain of whatever might lie on the other side. With just enough trust to allow the warmth of it, Marshlily braces herself and runs through.

She jolts awake into a world of silence. No, it’s not silent … there’s the birds, the rustling of leaves in the wind, the rushing water of a nearby stream. What’s silent is the inside of her head: no screaming; no vicious, alien thoughts; just her own internal monologue, so much clearer than it has been in moons.

Marshlily takes a few breaths in and out, in and out, then closes her eyes shut. What if this is just a dream? What if this is the Dark Forest playing tricks on her? How can she trust it? 

Tentatively, she brings herself to her paws and stares out across the land; she’d run far from the Cavern the night before, but she’s still high enough up that she can see across all four territories from here. There’s PrairieClan’s, out in the tall grass of the moor; that over there is SerpentClan’s, wrapped in the shadows of the forest; and way on the opposite side is MoonClan’s, a mix of warm sand and tall trees. They’ve never looked so beautiful. Surely the Place of No Stars and its denizens could never create a place like this.

“Marshlily!”

The echoing voice comes from somewhere above her, and Marshlily turns to see Hornetstar bounding down the rocks, Hubert, Celebi, and Nettledawn in tow. She slows down as she approaches, her pawsteps becoming (rightfully) tentative, but she doesn’t flinch away in fright, which is more than Marshlily could ask for, really.

“Hi, everyone,” Marshlily croaks, and winces at the ache in her throat. For a brief, panicked moment, she thinks it’s blood that’s making her voice groggy; common sense kicks in when she realizes that the only thing she tastes is stale morning breath. She laughs at herself internally; of course her throat is sore, she’s been sleeping for … “How long was I gone?” 

“Days!” Hornetstar says. “You weren’t responding, just flailing around and talking to someone. Were you dreaming about Kestreltail?”

Marshlily can’t keep back a melancholy smile at the sound of her mother’s name. “A little bit.”

“Come on, stop with the chatting,” Hubert says, taking a couple steps toward Marshlily. “How are you feeling? Are you still sick?” 

Marshlily thinks on it for a long moment. The violence in her head is gone; she turns to Hornetstar and hears no disembodied urge to attack. She turns to walk a few paces this way and that, and her body doesn’t jerk, or even twitch. “I don’t think so,” she says finally, turning back to the others. “I think I might be okay.” 

As soon as the words are out of her mouth, Hornetstar is pressed up against her, purring up a storm. “I was so worried! I thought you were going to … I mean, I was scared that …”

Marshlily chuckles and nuzzles her face into Hornetstar’s shoulder. “You and me both, Hornet,” she says, voice muffled by her thick pelt. “You and me both.”

[heya-moth]

Guess who got shot at before my shift at work

[itsalwaysdark]

bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏

[sonofshu]

‎ ‎

[catcze]

Oh man the brain is not in a good place rn ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️

[ourceliumnetwork]

oh shit y'all.

i've done gotten invested in Gurren Lagann. we're like 19 episodes deep in this paint and i have been emotionally compromised by the silly mechs.

believe in the me.

[thatrandombystander]

Oh bubble tea and pair of half stale donuts. You're the only thing between me and me quitting my fucking job right now.

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

[sir-arlieosaurus-lung-struggler]

My brain's weird it screams just by reflex of me seeing a bug but will take like a day to register a death lol

My mood today be like:

Then after I finish crying: