#this was the first time since before my depressive episode that I felt safe and strong enough to go back to the barn and work with Zhiva

[cloveroctobers]

BURN — DANTE TORRES: [Summer Writings]

A/N: Don’t fall over, yes this is a part two to one of my previous works which can be found here + we only saw a sprinkle of Mr. Bambi eyes since the last time I wrote the first piece because we clearly know who the show is catered to but we won’t go too deep on that lol.

🏷️: @darqchilddaydreamz

WARNINGS: Dante taking his job seriously, slight crossover with other shows such as: Chicago fire (character mentioned at best) + Abbott Elementary, language, she/reader now has a name for story purposes, mentions of addiction, mental health and drugs, slight plot with references to the final episodes of this last season, and me bringing you nothing but angst!

ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘

June’s air is a great contrast to what March once was. She can smell the grilling of food in the warm breeze as her face is turned towards the open passenger window and…shes hesitant. Which is a foreign feeling but it demanded to be felt. She can hear the squeal of laughter from children as they patter down the sidewalks, simply being children and that makes her heart swell to see they that still had their innocence.

There’s a mixture of Reggaeton and 2000’s r&b playing on different sides of the block and she’s reminiscent to many summer days on this same street as a teen, no JLO. Her fingertips are resting on the door handle, staring at the brick home and she knows she’s always welcome but things have been different since that night. It’s not like Dante would ever be nonexistent in her life, there was no timeline where she could imagine that happening but life really happened since then.

Dante went off and dug deeper into his case so communication was a bit tougher until it was all over. The only way she knew that was mainly from Momma Catalina who had called to chat with her, wondering when she was going to stop by (since the older woman missed her son’s friend’s pretty face—her words) and have dinner with the both of them soon because she also liked hearing the praises on her go to dish: Jocón from the younger woman. She also knew Dante’s case was over because the texts weren’t just a simple sentence and he would incorporate voice notes like he used to do. Yet the friends made no plans to come around despite being on each other’s minds. However she kept busy, like she always did when Dante got caught up in a case and she was a working woman herself, so she also knew how to keep her head on what she strived to do in life.

They were still parallel even if they weren’t face to face.

Now she has a case of her own, being brought in and working with forensics to figure out this new fatal strand that’s been killing kids as young as being in their preteens and may or may not have a connection to a serial killer as well. She already guessed that it did before a certain someone got in contact with her. It was heavy work and not typically the field she worked close with in years—since triggers were a thing—yet it was also the reason why she wanted to be a chemist. To make a loooong story short, she was to “blame” for her severely depressed mother’s addiction (granted her mother was now thirteen years sober) bringing opioids, unknowingly laced at the time, into the house with the intent to sell and also to try at just fourteen was the start of a lengthy journey. The reason she felt like she was to blame was her father not letting her forget it even now in her thirties. Which brings us to life in the now, being a “know-it-all,” chemist who always felt like she had a lot to prove.

Normally she did the basic boring tasks working with businesses and ensuring that their products were deemed safe for consumers rather than another serious level of crimes like murder, however she initially started out as a forensics chemist until she switched paths after it became too much on her mental. Her father felt that was a terrible decision, only thinking of the income rather than how that screwed with his daughter’s brain but she always learned how to take his words with a shard of glass. That’s right, glass. In spite of that anyone would be lying if they said she wasn’t one of the most well known in the city, going above and beyond—just behind the scenes now—to solve many cases. She preferred it that way, to herself, some may even say safe, being out of the way and she still got her thrill from figuring out what most couldn’t. And here she was over the last two weeks working this slowly building case, finding a balance of catering to her own self care by leaving the work solely behind at the lab and even engaging in a few more dates—just not with the salt and pepper haired SWAT member anymore.

Which didn’t turn sour, there was no need for that and she respected that Deacon also wanted to keep his mind on his work and his kids. He was still a good man in her eyes. Ultimately she knew that she didn’t see it working in the long run and that she didn’t have to take dating so seriously…at least that’s what she tried to tell herself.

“You seem stressed,” a voice says to her left, reminding her that she was in fact sitting beside another male that wasn’t her best friend, “you gotta roll that tension away, smell the lilacs, and then realize that there shouldn’t be any nerves right? You talk so highly about the guy…unless you want me come with?”

Immediately her eyes widen and she’s shaking her head, although the brunette means well she tells him, “no…I appreciate it though, Manny. it’s just the caffeine wearing off I guess. I’ll only be five to ten minutes tops, I need to get back home anyway and into a eucalyptus bath.”

Manny raises his brows, “a bath you say? You do know that it’s eighty degrees out here right?”

It was the woman’s turn to raise her own brows, silently challenging the man who breathes out a laugh with his signature wicked grin.

“Alright, alright.” Manny’s hands are raised in surrender, “I’m sensing hot showers are a thing too all year around? Which I don’t get if summer is here but if that’s your thing then I’ll accept it.”

“As you should.”

“I do.” He places a large hand against his chest still grinning, “there’s no static on my end.”

“Oh you’re such an east coaster,” she playfully rolls her eyes, “but you’re kinda great.”

“That’s what they tell me.” He winks as he reaches over to give her shoulder a light squeeze, “you’ll be fine out there I don’t doubt it. Now go and celebrate your best friend’s birthday and don’t forget the two slices of cake.”

She leans against the outside of the door, frowning at the man who shakes his head, “yeah that would be too much, considering we haven’t even met, right?”

She gives him a small smile in response and a point before she spins on her heels, taking the short walk towards the Torres’ household. Dante didn’t have much family here in Chicago, most being spread all over the globe, leaving it to always be just Catalina and Dante. From as long as she’s known the mother and son, Momma Catalina was always on the phone having long distance calls with family members but they seemed to be missing in action when she was being beat on nearly every day.

Moving along the side of the house towards the music and charcoal, her hands are behind her back as she nervously makes her way to the backyard. She likes to say it’s the social anxiety rather than seeing Dante but perhaps it was a mixture of both. Most of the faces are probably neighbors but it’s a nice crowd as she instantly spots the buzzed man up ahead, dressed in a short sleeve white loose fitting button up v-neck, tattoos on his arms are on full display, along with the chain that sways from his neck as he dumps chunks of ice into a cooler that Upton is holding open for him.

“Whaaat? Who let you out the cage? I thought they kept experiments locked down, Coty.” The voice of Atwater pulls her gaze to the man who’s smirking down at her with a beer in one hand.

Coty scoffed although there’s a smile on her lips, “You always know how to give the most warmest welcomes, Kev.”

He laughs as he swoops in with a side hug, “Well I had to say something with you sneaking in here like you about to steal something and roll out.”

“Not my style.”

“Yeah, just like you not interacting with nobody.”

“I just got here!”

Kevin nods his head letting the woman have that one before adding, “and how long do you plan on staying?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

His round eyes give her a look of disbelief while she shields her eyes from his stare. Laughing to himself he taps her arm, “well in that case, I won’t hold you any longer to go talk to your boy. Just as a fair warning to you, don’t touch that potato salad. Somebody made it and it got peas, carrots, and I think I even saw some apples all up in it.”

Tilting your head to the side you say, “…sounds like a Russian salad.”

“A what?” Kevin cups a hand over his ear although he’s sure he’s heard Coty correctly.

She just smiles at him, giving his arm a squeeze before she turns to make her way to Dante, who is not where she’s last seen him. Coty pauses, scanning the backyard again and sends a wave to Burgess and Ruzek who are sitting thigh to thigh on the picnic bench with a face full of smiles. They echo a wave back in Coty’s direction before some hands plop down on her forearms.

“Seraphina, mija! You made it.” Momma Catalina greets before sinking into Coty’s frame.

She was a tiny woman who still managed to have the kindest of hearts given what she’s been through. Coty grips the woman back in a sweet embrace before they’re eye to eye again.

“Of course! Had to see the best lady in town,” Coty tells the cedar brown haired woman with a blunt bob full of ringlets.

Her grin reaches her summer green eyes which mirrors her son’s as she almost bounced on her toes, “that’s right! Didn’t know it had to take you forever and a day to come see about me.”

“I’m sorry about that…”

She blows a raspberry, “no need to dwell on that because I already know and all is forgiven now that you’re here! Let’s get you something to eat so you can enjoy the party.”

“Oh no, Momma Cat. I can’t stay.”

Her usual soft stare darkens for a moment and it’s actually scary to witness when you irk this pocket full of sunshine’s nerves, “you will stay, eat, and dance. You are family. Then you and my son will fix whatever this bullshit is.”

“Dante and I are fine.” It sounded weak coming from Coty’s lips but she knew she couldn’t fool Catalina. Momma Cat was the first to see something special between her son and Seraphina (even before Séan) before they ever did so hearing this felt like a big insult.

That’s when the woman shifts in her slippers, fists digging into her hips as she peers up at the woman in front of her, “Seraphina! do not lie to me in my own home, mija. I will not have it and you will do as I say.” Catalina clapped her hands as if she was dusting off Coty’s worries, although this was only adding to it.

Coty felt like she was being scolded and her own mother wasn’t even here! Sure she was grown and didn’t have to take being yelled at but she would never disrespect Catalina, especially when she’s done so much for her growing up and when her own parents didn’t want to be bothered with her when she was up to no good.

“Ma…is everything okay?” Dante’s quiet tone could be heard over the music, along with his body heat from behind the pair.

Coty can feel the hairs on the back of her neck stand up just from Dante speaking and she’s been sweating since she got out of Manny’s car.

Catalina flashes a smile at her son, reaching to cup his face as Coty steps to the side for the two to have their moment, “Everything’s perfect! Your best gift is here so enjoy it.”

She whispers the last part to him with a wink while Dante just scoffs with a shake of his head as he watches his mother start to dance with a neighbor on her way by. He turns to face his old friend and let’s out a sigh, “see what you started? I was expecting the dancing to start the moment I woke up but you seem to always bring it out of her.”

Momma Catalina came from a background of dancers and it was a dream that became distant once she gave birth to Dante and knew that passion wouldn’t pay the bills. Dante’s birth father passed when he was around six so everything really fell onto Catalina’s shoulders and seemed to keep piling up.

She was never regretful over how her life played out but rather thankful that Dante chose her to show her how to truly love. There was never sadness in her words when she showed the stack of photos of herself in her younger years and her joy shined whenever she still broke out into a move. In the end, you do what you have to do for family.

“Me?” Coty points to herself innocently although she’s not really at fault this time, “Maybe you should check if the Aguardiente is still available.”

Dante nods in realization, “you’re right…that could be it. I’ve been running around since this thing started so who knows how much is left and it’s supposed to be my day.”

“I thought you loved birthday’s?” Coty’s response is sarcastic, knowing just how much Dante dreaded his birthday but was right with Catalina in honoring your special day around the sun.

The look Dante sends his friend makes her snort out some laughter, “We still have six more hours at least.”

Letting out a low whistle, she lightly grips his shoulder, “you still have six hours. I can disappear with ease.”

Dante groans, “you’ll take me with you, won’t you?”

His light green’s were pleading as Coty slipped an arm across his waist, leaning into his shoulder, “stop being a little turd, have some more drinks and you’ll get through it.”

Dante grumbles, “I’ll remember that when it’s your birthday.”

“Uh…i’m going to Vegas.”

“When did we decide that?”

Coty lifts her head from his shoulder, “You should have gone to France with all this we talk.”

“Nah, not my vibe.” He says before peering down at her, “…thanks for coming. I was beginning to lose my mind.”

“Why?” Coty questions as she looks around at all the faces in the backyard, “You had the team here with you at least.”

“Yeah…but that’s not the same and you know it.” He honestly says as his eyes begins to trace over Coty’s features.

She couldn’t stomach the way he was looking at her and it made her guess how many drinks he’s had himself this evening. The amount of tenderness and care in his green hues was the same reason why they were in a constant battle in the first place.

“How’s Gloria?” Flies out of her mouth before she can even comprehend it.

Dante sharply inhales at this, looking elsewhere in slight annoyance before shrugging, “gone.”

“Gone where?”

“Can’t discuss that with you, Nina.” The way he’s the only one that uses her name this way, is enough to let her know that he means business.

Mostly everyone calls her by her last name: Coty, which she preferred (he’s not everyone) but he’s firm in his stance—closing himself off to that part of him and that’s not like Dante. Sure he’s not this open book by any means but it’s not like he has a piece of him that she hasn’t seen. That particular piece was still there but reopened by someone like Gloria. Someone that could bring out his skeletons and glamorize it to match her own pain. Coty knew Gloria was not the answer to whatever it is Dante was looking for and now that Gloria was suddenly gone, it will hold a weight he was willing to carry on his back—that he shouldn’t have to—but Coty was not willing to help him with that.

She said that months ago and she still meant that shit. She never wanted to pay for someone else’s mistakes. Coty knew how to love Dante but he wouldn’t let her, not in that way.

Only Dante and Gloria know what they’ve been up to since they decided to fuck around.

And perhaps they found out.

“…who’s this?” Dante suddenly lifted his chin, stepping forward a bit as Coty stood to the side of him.

Her eyes follow his line of sight to see Manny, searching around the backyard for her. Once he found her, he smiles, waving a bit before he starts making his way over. She deeply sighs as Dante sends a look her way, silently questioning her before the brunette gets closer.

“Hey, Having fun?”

Coty molds her lips together while Manny looks back and forth between the two, either oblivious to the tension or trying this best to ignore it.

“Phina-Mena, you left something—

Manny starts but Dante cuts him off, “sorry man, who are you?”

“Oh! How rude of me.” He frees one of his hands, “I’m Manny, friend of Seraphina’s. And you must be Dante! I’ve heard good things about you so it’s nice to finally meet you, bro.”

‘Finally?’ He cautiously puts his hand out to shake Manny’s but his eyes are hot on Seraphina’s who shifts on her feet, lightly swaying from one foot to the other.

“Can’t say the same…Nina hasn’t mentioned you at all.”

“Oh well…don’t worry about it, y’all been busy.” Manny shrugs it off, not the least bit phased.

Dante nods his head and folds his arms, “right but…I’ve got time now. So you said you’re Manny. What do you do Manny?”

“I proudly work for the Philadelphia school district and I’m just here for a conference but it also doesn’t hurt that I get to hang out with Phina-Mena!” He boasts as he sends finger-guns at Seraphina while Dante finds his personality to be a lot.

And that was saying enough since Seraphina was mostly introverted and easily got exhausted around people…except for him.

Dante rounds off another inquiry, “where did you two meet?”

She huffs but Dante ignores her, awaiting all the information he can get.

Manny talks with his hands, “Down at that bar with the sticky floors along with one of the floorboards being this naturally strange color of purple that takes up a good portion of the place? My apologies, I forgot the name.”

That gets Dante frowning as he casts a glance over at Seraphina who’s chewing on her bottom lip now, “A bar? You’re not really a bar kinda woman.”

Manny shrugs his shoulders, “eh…people can surprise you.”

“Did you go alone…were you alone?” The second half of that question is directed at Seraphina and now she was getting agitated, this Dante could tell as she side eyed him.

Manny also gazed at the woman, picking up on the tension now. “You know my dad was an officer too so this is feelin’ a little too familiar for me.”

“Really, what precinct?”

“Dante, cut the shit.” Coty bites but the buzzed haired man just blinks not missing a beat.

“It’s only right I get to know your new friend since he already seems to know so much about me.”

“Well not everything…” Manny laughs, trying to ease the heaviness in the air but Dante’s not backing off.

Dante was suspicious and his guard had to be up so he redirects the conversation back, “so you said you two met at the bar…I’m assuming the Violet Branch?”

“Yeah,” Manny snaps with amazement crossing his bearded face, “that’s right! You know the place?”

Dante hardened his stare as he turns his head to Seraphina, “uh huh. That’s Sarge’s spot.”

Manny turns his eyes into slits, “sarge? As in sergeant. Oh was that the guy you were—

“Manny!” Coty interjects, “I think this interrogation is over. Why don’t you go mingle with the rest for a little, while I finish talking to the birthday boy.”

“No, No.” Dante shakes his head, “Let him finish, Nina.”

Manny’s eyes are moving back and forth between the two who are holding each other’s stare, “oh…I see what’s happening here. I’m doing that thing where I’m talking too much. I’m just gonna leave this…on that lovely gift table over there.”

And with that Manny swiftly points and drags himself to the left where most of the party goers are eating or dancing.

“He’s…interesting.” Dante’s stare lingers on the man who quickly strikes up a conversation with one of his nosy neighbors.

Coty scoffs, “the hell is your problem?”

“I don’t have one.”

“So you think it’s cool that you just grilled into my friend like that?”

“Is that really all he is? Because you didn’t tell me about him at all.” Dante’s jaw is tight, almost like he’s irritated with the woman for leaving this out over a few phone calls and then also bringing him here to his house with no type of heads up.

She attempts to reason with him, “We just started being somewhat normal again, Tay.”

“That didn’t stop you from telling me about things ending with Deacon.”

“You asked. I didn’t just bring him up.”

“I see so that was your way of what? Being fair by bringing up Gloria? Why bring her up if you know that topic bothers you so much?” Dante searched Coty’s eyes, trying to understand what she was doing and up to although his gut was telling him everything he needed to know.

Coty furrows her brows, “Because I’m being a good friend and checking in on you since you know? I can’t exactly do that when you’re undercover.”

Dante rubs at his jaw, “I can’t say I fully believe that. I feel like this was a tactic to get me riled up because I developed a relationship with Gloria—as if I don’t already know who you’ve been around since you’re that important to me. First it was Deacon, then it was that firefighter Jake Gibson, and now this Manny guy? It’s a game for you and I don’t want to play.”

Coty laughs in shock as Dante walks away from her, “are you fucking serious? And then you’re gonna walk away from me after that?”

“Yup.” Dante says over his shoulder as he makes his way back to the cooler.

Coty isn’t having that as she charges after him, watching as he squats and begins searching through the ice. She desperately tries to keep her voice leveled but she can feel her skin getting hot and her eyes beginning to burn out of frustration.

“I don’t even want to know how you know about Jake ghosting me—

Dante looks up at her, “he didn’t ghost you, he checked himself into rehab. Stop selling yourself short.”

Her mouth can’t help but to drop open at that.

“Dante.”

“Yes?”

“You can’t go searching up every guy that I might want to give a chance…I shouldn’t even have to tell you that,” her frown is so deep that it should be permanent for the rest of this conversation, “and I wouldn’t just bring a random stranger to your house. I told him to wait in the car but I left your gift.”

Dante snickers and drops his head with a shake of his head, “that’s no better, Nina! You don’t know him and I don’t know him.”

“Well I’m getting to because that’s my choice! He doesn’t even live here and you’re acting like this. And you don’t have the right to get upset with who I spend time with while you do whatever the hell you want anyway, clearly.” Coty crosses her arms while Dante is upright now.

His heat is radiating again as he stands in front of Coty, “I know.”

“You know?”

“Yes and I wish I could say I’m sorry, as if that’ll ever be enough when I know it’ll never be especially when you’re the one who said you’re not over me.”

“That was how many weeks ago? I didn’t think you’d still be worrying about what was said when who knows what you’ve been up to with Gloria. You say a relationship but judging by the fresh burn mark on your neck, tells me it’s been anything but loving.”

Dante exhales, “stop.”

“Stop what? Caring?”

“No, stop trying to tell me you told me so.”

“I wouldn’t gloat yet I’m not sure what it is exactly you want from me, as your friend?” Coty quizzed him, “To stay by your side and just continue accepting everything for what it is? I did that before and now look where we are.”

Dante blinks, trying to get his thoughts together.

“She was wrong from the start and you knew that. And that burn is enough to remind you of that forever.”

“And what about me huh? What about what I’ve done to you all these years, those scars I gave to you and you still stayed while she had to leave. You don’t think I’m not dealing with all that?”

That alone leaves Coty stunned.

To know Dante from his late preteen years all throughout many phases of their lives to this point now, was so much at times that Dante knew just how much it stung. He couldn’t give Coty what she wanted and not in the way she wanted because of his own issues. If it stung for him, he had to know that it burned for his dear friend Seraphina Coty. He tried to be alone, almost begged Coty to get out of his life by the time they were eighteen but there was a constant need for their souls to be intertwined.

It felt like bleeding internally when they were apart but somehow they were still functioning. It’s been a minute since that damp spring day but the earth never stopped spinning. When the good was present, it felt like a summer sunrise compared to a fire tornado the two of them could unleash.

“I—

Coty starts but stomps against the grass, catches both of the two’s attention, revealing Kevin who’s appears to be getting off his phone, “My fault for breaking this up but Voight needs us.”

“Now?” Dante asks, practically forcing his eye contact to his team member.

“Pronto.”

Dante dips his head, his hand going out to gently touch Coty’s elbow, “Looks like I have to go.”

Kevin glances between the two before adding, “Uh, he needs all of us. Including Coty.”

Dante’s widens his eyes at this news and this confirms what his gut was saying all along when Manny dropped the crumbs. Coty was about to get wrapped up in the same danger she warned him about. He couldn’t say what he felt in that moment since time was always of the essence but he’s aware that Coty saw the eruption in his eyes just then.

She sparked the flame that Dante didn’t want to spread.

He wasn’t sure how he could protect her after this. His blood was boiling in the passenger side of Kevin’s car and he wanted nothing more than to tell Kevin to pull the car over and to leave Coty on the side of the road, sending a ride to bring her back home and away from it all like she conditioned herself to be.

Dante knew Seraphina like the ink on his back and with her stare burning into the back of his neck, eyes probably focused on his new mark, he peered over his shoulder at her, meeting her view and was aware that she always finished what she started, whether he liked it or not.

“Happy birthday,” she mouths to him with a small smile but it’s anything but comforting.

The glare on Dante’s face is evident as he turns back to face the front with a roll of his eyes, rubbing at the tightness in his jaw once more while slouching down in the passenger seat.

June’s air is a great contrast to what March once was.

ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘₊⁺☀︎₊⁺⋆.˚ ོ༘

-> Part Three!

[littledollll]

Hey...sorry it's me again, but since you write for wanda, can I maybe request something with a fem reader where there's a little bit of mindfuckery going on? Basically reader wakes up in some sort of new reality, in a bed made for two rather than one, blinds to let the sunlight in rather than curtains to keep everyone and everything out, but they don't really question it because it almost doesn't feel real? Kinda like a dream? And suddenly they have a girlfriend, Wanda, who dotes on them, snuggles them in bed, watches sitcoms with them, somehow knows all their skeletons in the closet (mind reading hehe) and lets them curl up on her chest and cry it out as she soothes them, makes them snacks, helps them do basic tasks when they're (super) depressed. Unbeknownst to reader, Wanda has actually torn apart the multiverse to be with them once again after having already lost them in another??? I'm sorry if this is way too much

-🧸 anon (loves you)

Mastermind

Wanda Maximoff x reader

A/n: im so behind on requests im trying believe me! Writing is getting hard :/ but! this was so fucking nice to write, yk that random motivation. when I tell u it just came to me and I couldn’t stop writing- I love love love Wanda, specially her being rly soft and lovey:( ty for your request hun.

Warnings: kinda manipulation? Hex pt.2, slightly suggestive if you squint, lots and lots of soft kisses, mentions of r struggling with anxiety and depressive episodes, lots of comfort, mostly narrated.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

A kiss. It was so soft. Intoxicatingly so. Her gentle hands cupping your face, the comforting weight of her straddling your lap made you feel grounded, and so safe. You whimpered when she parted from you, nuzzling into her chest while your arms wrapped around her. “My sweet little darling.. oh how I love you.” She whispered, her hands brushing your hair back and away from your face.

You didn’t know where this came from. Some day long ago you simply woke up and there she was. Wanda. You had a whole life with her. And somewhere between the fuzziness you remembered it all. How you met, everything from your first conversation to your first time. Your life before you got married, how you moved in together before then, and how your family disapproved of it. And god. That perfect wedding. The happiest day of your life, when it all finally came together for you, this was it. The stars aligned and have you this, gave you her.

In some part of your mind you didn’t know this woman, but at the same time you always had. You knew everything about her and she knew everything about you. Every little thing. You couldn’t bother to question it, if it was a dream then so be it, it was such a lovely dream, everything you could possibly ever want was right here. A beautiful and kind woman, with so much love and comfort to give. Wanda understood you, she allowed you to feel and cry but never alone, she was right here through it all. Allowing you to hide against her chest and pet your hair when you cried, telling you the most reassuring words, ensuring your comfort at all times.

It wasn’t a one time thing, you quickly noticed. Every day felt like a movie, every day she was the perfect woman, and she was yours. You’d watch tv together, listen to music and dance your hearts out.

Your favorite part was the cooking. Just like you were now. Both hands wrapped around her torso as you hugged her from behind, your girl, your wife. She let out an adorable giggle when you nuzzled into her neck and squeezed her tight.

“Are you planning an staying there the whole time darling or would you bother to help me out with our dinner.” She teased, her tone was scolding but so obviously not genuinely upset.

“m okay right here, my love.” Almost as if on queue the tv switched to play one of your favorite songs. You swayed with Wanda, holding her impossibly close and effectively preventing her from getting any actual cooking done which she was quick to scold you about yet again.

“If you want dinner you need to let me cook, dear.” You ignored her, sighing contently against her neck and closing your eyes. “Just gimme a minute to love on you, nothing wrong with giving my wife a little affection.” She let you. Her own arms coming to hug around yours, a bright smile painted on her face. She always looked so happy with you, even more so. It’s like all her energy recharged when you did little things like this, and the second you noticed you started doing it non-stop.

Wanda always gave you so much. She gave you her everything. The least you could do was give her these moments, ones where she took a deep breath and let her head lull to your shoulder, eyes blissfully closed and an always beautiful smile on her face. You loved this woman. Your beautiful Wanda.

“Let’s finish cooking mamá, I’ll help you.” You parted with a kiss. A sweet kiss like always, those kisses she’d giggle or smile into and give you a flirty little look, then go about her day like she didn’t know what she was doing to you. “Cut this up for me will you, darling?” You hummed and did a she asked, shaking your head to think about the now and not the events awaiting later tonight.

“Get your mind out of the gutter!” Wanda smacked you with an oven mitt furrowing her brows at you. “Dirty dirty mind.” You chucked and looked back at her. “What! I didn’t say anything” she let out a drawn out, “mhmmm” before turning back to put some ingredients in the pan. “I just know what you’re thinking. Hurry it up I need those!” “Right right! I’m sorry!”

Wanda found it odd, that making this reality with you didn’t take so much of her power like others had before. Like your own mind was subconsciously giving into her without her trying to force it. When Wanda occasionally peaked into your mind to see if any dreams or memories about your old life haunted you there was nothing. When she searched for doubts about your life or any clue that you might be figuring things out she only saw the slight confusion of those moments there your mind briefly recalled having a life without or before her, but you didn’t dwell on them, in-fact you thought of them as your anxiety messing you up but never once did you doubt her. Like you subconsciously simply refused to believe there was ever a life without her.

It was perfect. She didn’t really trick you. She just treated you like she did you from her universe, gave you their memories and anything you could possibly need. And you seemed more than content with this life, with her. She was your perfect girl, and you were her darling little love. Both of you living the life of your dreams, together.

[quaithe-seastar]

The Dragon's Gold

Chapter Four

Pairing: Aegon II Targaryen x Aerys Reyne (male oc)

Summary: Aerys Reyne, son of Naerys Targaryen, the second-born daughter of King Viserys and Queen Aemma, has been best friends with Aegon since childhood. As boys, they had been inseparable. Many said that it reminded them of the early days of King Jaehaerys reign. When the princes Aemon and Baelon were still children. Wherever one boy was, it wasn't long before the other came running behind him. That was until forbidden desires of the heart forced a wedge between them. After the death of his grandsire, King Viserys, Aerys finds himself torn between two sides: stand by his oldest friend or stand by the only mother he has ever known.

Warning: Self-harm, depression, religious guilt

a/n: This chapter takes place shortly after the events of episode seven. There will be a few small time skips in this chapter. Dialogue in italics means that the characters are speaking in high valyrian. I was just too lazy to attempt to translate it. Though, there may be some high valyrian thrown in here and there. No beta, so I apologize for any or all grammar and spelling mistakes.

Aerys

Aerys sat quietly at the giant dinner table in the great hall of the castle he called home. Yet the place seemed so strange to him. He used his fork to poke lightly at the food on the plate before him. Aerys had little appetite and barely managed to stomach the salty vegetable stew of the first course. Today, Aegon married Helaena in a lavish ceremony. Aerys had not made it to the ceremony as he was feeling unwell. It wasn’t a complete lie. He had been unable to keep his breakfast down this morning. But the king made it clear that his presence at the feast was not optional. So here he was. Sitting miserably at the end of the hall, wishing he were anywhere else.

Aerys reached out to grasp the cup of sweet arbor red that sat beside his plate. It was his seventh cup of the night. The king had put a stop to Aerys drinking after they returned from Driftmark, but he allowed Aerys to indulge himself during the celebration. Before he could lift the cup, he felt a calloused hand covering his own. He followed the hand upward to find the face of the owner. It was Ser Otto. He threw Aerys a friendly smile, but his eyes did not match. It was a warning.

“Perhaps you’ve had enough, Lord Reyne.”

Aerys retracted his hand slowly and placed both hands on his lap.

He glared at the plate, biting his tongue. The loud chatter of the room all around him became muffled in his ears.

Aerys wanted to cry. The familiar sting in his eyes was becoming overwhelming. It took everything in the young man’s power to keep his composure. The inside of his mind was running wild. Is this what the rest of his life will look like? Feel like? He thought back on the past two weeks. The strain growing between him and Aegon was weighing heavily upon him. They had hardly spoken to one another. Their few interactions were brief and always under the supervision of his mother or grandfather. The entire time, Aerys picked nervously at the threads of his shirts as he tried to avoid the glares of Ser Otto and the Queen. 

Then, there was the news of Ser Laenor’s death and the rumors that Rhaenyra and Daemon had gotten rid of the knight so they could wed. Rhaenyra had sent a raven to Aerys, informing him of her marriage and denying all accusations. Aerys didn’t know what to believe anymore. It was all too much for him to handle.

Aerys felt hopeless. It felt like he was standing outside his body, watching rather than living.

He wanted to be wrapped safely in the warm furs in his bedchamber. Another wave of overwhelming sadness swept over him. Aerys pushed his chair back and cringed at the loud noise it made as it hit the stone floor. Suddenly, it felt like all the eyes in the room were on him. He cleared his throat.

“My apologies, my king, but I’m not feeling well. May I be excused?”

The king's dark indigo eyes stared at the young man. He thought for a moment before he nodded his head. Aerys ignored the glare from the hand. The chatter picked up once more as he departed from the great hall, though it was muffled in his ears. As he began making his way to his bedchamber, Aerys heard a voice call out. When he turned, he was met with pale white hair and violet eyes. 

“You left in quite a hurry; I was worried. Are you well?” Aegon asked softly.

Aerys was confused by his look of concern. Why would he come after him? Aerys let out a tired sigh. Perhaps he was overthinking it. 

“I am fine. I apologize for leaving. I’m afraid it was all just a bit overwhelming for me. You know how I feel about big events like this.” Aerys flashed him a small smile, hoping it would be convincing enough. 

Aegon stared at Aerys as if he were studying him. “Perhaps some fresh air would do you some good. Would you like me to accompany you?”

The thought of spending another moment with the prince made his stomach ache. Aerys smiled once again and gently shook his head.

“That is most kind of you, Prince Aegon, but I am fine. I’m sure your wife is missing your company.” 

The two stood in the hallway quietly. At that moment, Aerys wished for nothing more than the comfort of his oldest friend. But things were different now. What he needed was a moment of peace. A moment away from everyone, to be alone to gather his thoughts. The prince nodded, nervously picking at the skin around his fingernails.

“As you wish, Lord Reyne.”

He stepped back and turned to walk into the great hall, returning to the feast. Aerys stood there for a moment, silently fiddling with his nails. It was all too much for him. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want to be here. He did not wish to play the part of the happy old Aerys as his life fell apart right before his eyes. Aerys was tired of being trapped in this insufferable prison, but what could he do? He did not want to leave his home. The thought of leaving terrified him. The idea of being surrounded by people he did not know or trust made his chest hurt. The boy hardly knew most of the people in the great hall; most of them had come from Oldtown. Would this be the life the gods would curse him with? What had he done to deserve such cruelty?

He tried to think of what he had done to upset the gods. He always went to worship in the great sept as often as possible. Aerys also prayed to the old gods at the weirwood tree. He always thanked them for everything they had blessed him with in life. His family, his home, his life. So. . .why? Had he offended them somehow? Did he not pray hard enough? Did he not thank them enough? Aerys turned on his heels and stormed down the hall as fast as he could. 

Aerys could feel the tears as they streamed down his face. His hair bounced, and some fell in his eyes.

Frustrated, he roughly pushed his hair back. He grabbed the suffocating silver chain necklace around his neck and yanked it off, throwing it to the dirt. He had finally made it outside to the deserted old weirwood tree. Sobs escaped freely from his lips, and he did not attempt to hide them. Not that he could, even if he had tried. Aerys dropped to his knees, clasping his hands together to pray.

“Forgive me, gods, for I have sinned. I have committed a most horrific act. I’ve shamed my father. I’ve shamed my mother. I’ve disgraced myself and both my houses. A sickness has rooted itself in me. Please, gods, help me! Please, I beg you!”

The boy cried, hunched over, digging his hands into the dirt. The weirwood tree had tears of its own. Aerys raised himself to look at the moon. His knees were beginning to ache from being on the rough ground—another punishment he deserved. The boy struggled to catch his breath. His head throbbed in pain. Aerys reached into his pocket, withdrawing a small knife. He lifted his tunic to expose his stomach. The boy bit his lip as he placed the blade against his skin. It didn’t need to be deep, just enough to quiet the noise. It was a nasty habit he had picked up over the past two weeks. When he could no longer continue reopening the scab on his cheek. A cut here and there goes unnoticed. If the maids who sometimes helped him bathe did mention it, all he had to do was say it was an accident. They never questioned him; it wasn’t their place to do so.

He watched as the blood pooled and dripped down his stomach, painting his pale skin red. He lifted a finger to press into the wound, grunting at the sting that followed. It was not the ideal way to deal with his pain, but it worked. With a shuddering sigh, he pushed himself back onto his aching legs, hiding the blade in his pocket. Aerys felt his shirt begging to cling to his skin. Fortunately, his tunic was black, so it was unnoticeable even as the blood seeped through.

Aerys closed his eyes, clenching his hands into fists. I’m alright. Everything is fine, he whispered to himself over and over again. He waited until his breathing returned to normal, or at least as normal as it could be before he entered the castle. The celebration was still ongoing. Aerys could hear it even as he was walking up the stairs. He kept his head down, counting each step he took. All he wanted to do was sleep. His mind and his body were at their limit. Aerys didn’t even bother removing his boots as he entered his room. The boy just dropped onto his stomach, ignoring the pain of laying on the fresh cut. Perhaps he would feel better in the morning.

—

Aerys glared at the angry red line on his stomach. It had been two days since the wedding. The guilt and shame that always came after he hurt himself still gnawed at him. Yet he refused to look away. He always made himself look at what he had done. Aerys dropped his tunic, allowing it to hide the angry red mark, and turned his head up to look at his face. He patted down his unkempt hair, pushing it away from his forehead. The boy who stared back at him was a stranger. His eyes were void of emotion when he only wanted to cry. This is not me, he thought.

His mind drifted to Nyra. What would she think if she saw him like this? And what wouldn’t he do to be wrapped in her arms again? To have her play with his hair and tell him tales of her shared girlhood with his mother, as she had done many times before. His grandsire was right; her presence would be missed. There were many times he had found himself walking past her old apartments. He missed her. He missed the boys. It felt so wrong not being able to see them every day. Not being able to play with them or listen to Luke’s wild tales of the adventurers he would go on someday. The boy planned to make a name for himself like his grandfather, the sea snake, did.

A loud knock at the door brought Aerys back to the present. He walked over to the door, pulling it open. His eyes widened as he spotted Queen Alicent, with her sworn shield, Ser Criston, outside the door.

“Your grace,” he bowed his head in respect.

“May I come in?” She asked.

Aerys’ eyes shifted nervously between the queen and the white cloak. He nodded his head and moved to the side, allowing them entry.

“Wait outside the door, Ser Criston.” The woman ordered.

“Yes, my queen,” the knight nodded.

Aerys closed the door slowly, careful not to slam it. He followed the queen to the small table. 

“May we sit?” Queen Alicent asked.

“Of course, your grace,” Aerys responded almost immediately.

“A raven came this morning. I wanted to tell you the news myself,” Queen Alicent smiled.

“What news?” Aerys asked, anxiously awaiting a response.

“Word has come from Castamere. It seems your brother's wife is expecting a child. You are to be an uncle soon; congratulations, Aerys.”

Aerys smiled at the news. It was the first time he had genuinely smiled in weeks. His brother and sister-in-law were having a child, their first child. He would have to write to them right away. It had been some time since he wrote to his brother. Things had become so hectic for the both of them, with his life falling apart and his brother dealing with the frustrations of ruling a noble house. Once again, he found himself happy to have been born second. The pressure of ruling was something he could do without.

“That’s wonderful. Thank you for telling me about your grace.”

“Of course,” the woman replied.

A quiet silence echoed between them. Aerys gulped nervously. Was there something else? His fingers toyed with the ring around his finger, praying for his mother to give him strength. Queen Alicent stared at him, her face unreadable. He wasn’t sure what she was feeling or what she would do.

“There was something else I wished to discuss with you.” She cleared her throat, shifting in her seat.

“About the incident that occurred two weeks ago. I wanted to apologize for my father. What he did-”

“Nothing happened, your grace. I-”

“Aerys,” the woman sighed.

He dropped his head, staring at his bare feet under the table.

“I know what happened. It was wrong for him to lay a hand on you. I wanted to assure you that it will never happen again.”

Aerys remained silent.

“But I also want to make sure you understand that what happened before my father found you two must never happen again.”

“It won't, your grace!” Aerys said hurriedly.

“I know it won’t,” Queen Alicent smiled. She placed her hands on the table, reaching out for his.

With shaking hands, Aerys moved, placing his hands into hers. Her grip was firm but gentle.

“I believe I understand all too well how you feel,” the queen hesitates, her brows scrunching together. “Matters of the heart can be so overwhelming for someone so young. Especially those that are forbidden to us..”

She kept her eyes on their connected hands. Aerys was confused by all of this. The woman always maintained such a regal appearance. It was hard to imagine her as anything else but the queen. It's hard to believe there was a time when she was just a girl, so tender and free—a time when she wasn’t the queen or the mother of the king's sons. 

“I understand things have been hard for you since Princess Rhaenyra’s departure. The two of you were always inseparable; I can imagine how difficult it must be to no longer have her at your side.”

Aerys raised his head to find the woman staring at him. Her eyes trailed over every inch of his face. She leaned forward, wiping away the tears from his face.

“But it is important that we refrain from acting on desire. You are of royal blood, Aerys. That means there are higher expectations placed upon you. You must be wary of the things you do. Whispers travel fast and cannot be unheard of. You must understand this.”

“I understand,” he said, nodding his head.

“I’m glad to hear that. Well, I'm afraid I must be off. You should send a raven to your brother and congratulate him.”

“I will, your grace. Thank you.”

Aerys escorted the woman to the door, pulling it open for her. Ser Criston stepped out of the way, allowing space for the queen to pass. The boy waited until they disappeared down the hall before closing the door. He turned and pressed his back against the door. Aerys lifted his head, closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. Agana, he needed to see Agana .

—

Aerys fiddled with his ring as he stood in the outer yard. He was waiting for the stable boy to ready his horse. The outer yard was busy and full of life. It distracted the boy from his problems as he watched everyone go about their business. 

“You're a difficult man to find these days,” a playful voice called from behind.

Aerys stilled, his stomach tensed up like a clenched fist.

“My apologies; I did not realize I was being sought out.” He turned, finally coming face to face with Aegon.

Aerys had successfully avoided the boy for two days, though it seemed his luck had just run out.

“Are you going somewhere?” The prince asked.

“I was going to the dragon pit. I’m sure Agana is missing the wind beneath her wings.” Aerys shrugged.

“I’ll come with you. No doubt Sunfyre is missing me.”

Aerys fought the urge to scream. He fought the urge to tell the boy to stay behind.

“If you wish,” he sighed.

Aerys waited for Aegon’s horse to be brought to him. The two quickly mounted their horses before they were off. They raced through the streets of King’s Landing. Aegon had challenged him to race, to see who could make it to the dragon pit first. It was a childish game, but Aerys found himself unable to ignore his taunts. Luckily, his white mare seemed to be leaving Aegon’s chestnut gelding in the dust. Aerys reached the dragon pit first, though only by a close second. Aerys gloated about his victory as the two entered the giant dragon pit. It was so strange. For a moment, it seemed like it used to be. Like nothing had changed, they were the same boys they used to be. The dragon keepers led the two under the dome to the man-made caves built to house the dragons. 

Sunfyre was the first to raise his head as the group approached. Two dragon keepers stayed with Aegon while the other two carried on. Aerys followed quietly behind the men as they led him to another cave. A rush of confidence filled his body as they grew closer. The cave was dark, even with the torches lit. 

Glowing emerald eyes stared at the two from the darkness. A low growl filled the air as the she-dragon began to stretch herself out. Aerys smiled as the iron gates began to open. He walked forward slowly and stopped when he stood before the dragon. The light of the torches glistened from her silver scales. The boy extended out his hand, waiting for the dragon to make the next move. Her eyes lingered on the dragon keepers momentarily before her gaze moved to her rider. She lowered her neck, allowing his hand to rub along her muzzle. 

“Rytsas arli, Agana.” He greeted her warmly.

The young lord could seldom go a day without visiting his dragon. She was a great comfort to him. Aerys quickly scaled his way up Agana’s back to his saddle. He strapped himself in as he waited for the outer doors of the cave to open. Agana stood to her feet and turned. Aerys swayed side to side with every step she took. The loud creaking out the gates was all that could be heard. The sky was clear. The gods were smiling down upon King’s Landing.

“Sōvēs,” he commanded.

The dragon let out a low roar as she ran forward, leaping into the sky as she reached the end of the cave. The sun shined down on the two of them. A loud chirp from behind them made the boy turn his head. Sunfyre was not far behind. Aerys smirked as he commanded Agana to go faster. It seemed the lord was anxious for another race. The two dragons soared through the skies together. Agana, being slightly bigger than Sunfyre, had the advantage. But the golden dragon and his rider seemed quite determined. The silver dragon pulled up higher into the sky until they were hidden in the clouds. It took only a short time for the other two to follow. Aerys quickly spotted the golden dragon hovering below in the clouds. Aegon had a hand over his eyes as he searched the sky.

“Dive, ñuhys zaldrīzys!” Aerys ordered.

Agana dove right past the golden dragon. Sunfyre let out a roar as he barely managed to move out of the way. Aerys laughed as he held on tightly to the reins. The racing carried on for some time. It was almost sunset before the four finally returned to the dragon pit. Aerys helped the dragon keepers escort Agana back to her den. He met Aegon at the entrance of the dragon pit. They mounted their horses once more.

“You cheated,” Aegon accused.

“I did not!” Aerys argued.

The debate continued as the two made their way through the streets. The boys burst into a fit of laughter.

“I missed this,” the prince sighed, reminiscing about their friendship.

“Me too,” Aerys huffed sadly.

“Aerys, I know things have been-”

“Aegon,” Aerys groaned, dreading what the prince would say next.

“No, just listen,” Aegon snapped. “You’re my oldest friend, Aerys. I don’t want to lose that. Can’t we just start over? Please?”

The two boys stared at one another. The clacking of hooves and the chatter of the city coming alive under the setting sun bridged the gap of silence. How could Aerys deny such a request? The ache he felt in his heart over the loss of his friend these last two weeks was unbearable. His heart aches for the familiarity, the warmth, and the sense of belonging that Aegon provided.

“I would like that,” he lied.

Things would never be as they were. How could they? They crossed over a bridge that had since crumbled to dust. But perhaps they could pretend. Maybe they could ignore the sounds of their hearts calling out for one another.

—

“The maester believes Helaena is with child.”

Aerys did not dare to look up from the pages of the giant book in his hands. The book held the histories of the great houses of Westeros. It was filled with so many outlandish stories that it was hard to believe many were true.

“Not surprising, you have been performing your duty.”

“Don’t say it like that,” Aegon groaned.

Aerys sighed, raising his head to look at the prince. Aegon was lying on Aerys’ bed with his head dangling off the side. His eyes were closed, and his fingers toyed with the laces of his tunic.

“You make it sound like we’re cattle or something.”

“I don’t mean to sound crass, but is it truthfully any different? I do believe having children is one, if not the main purpose of marriage.”

“I know it is! I just-” the prince groaned, hoisting himself up to sit. “I didn’t expect it to be... this soon.”

“It has been two moons since the wedding, Aegon. Surely, you knew it would happen soon. It only takes one time,” Aerys laughs.

“I’m glad my worries can bring you so much joy.”

“Oh, calm down, Aegon. I’m sure most men are frightened by the idea of becoming a father. You have time before the babe comes. Enough time to prepare yourself.” 

Aerys flashed him a reassuring smile before returning to his book. His fingertips toyed with the edges of the pages.

“But what if. . .” Aegon paused, furrowing his brows. “What if I’m not. . .good at it?”

Aerys slid the book forward on the table. He stood from his seat and walked over to the bed. They both stayed quiet as Aerys moved to sit in front of Aegon, taking the boy's hands into his own.

“Aegon, look at me,” Aerys whispered.

The prince remained staring at his lap. Aerys squeezed his hands to get his attention. The prince shamefully raised his head.

“I cannot guarantee that you will be the best father in the world or that you won’t make mistakes-”

“Your words give me such comfort.”

“Just listen,” Aerys laughed. “As I said, I make no guarantees. But I do know you, and I know that under your entitled, carefree attitude, you are a good person. All you can do is try Aegon. Who knows? Perhaps you may surprise yourself.”

Aegon shot the boy a playful glare. “When did you get so wise?”

“I always have been,” Aerys scoffed.

The two boys glared at each other before they shared a laugh. Aerys tried desperately to ignore the pang in his heart. This was supposed to be a happy occasion. Aegon is going to be a father. Aerys was supposed to be happy for him. So why wasn’t he?

[barclaysangel]

If Junior was at Lochmoor with Nica AU

Well well well…another Junior AU. I know, I have a problem. But watching Nurse Ratched gave me the idea of 10 year old Junior being at Lochmoor with Nica. Does it make sense logically? Most likely not. Did I write it in less than two days? …definitely.

This AU just wasn’t leaving my mind at all so I had to write it and here it is! It’s a bit long but I’m quite proud of how it turned out. I’m not sure if this is gonna be an actual fic, most likely not, but maybe I’ll write a series of oneshots for this AU. I do have a few ideas so if you guys like this, including on how to bring Andy in and how Junior and Nica get out of Lochmoor, so please let me know if that’s something y’all are interested in! I thrive off comments, they fuel my motivation!

Thank you and enjoy :)

Word count: 3K

Tags: @nicascurls @fairchilds-glasses @high-functioning-fang1rl @streets-in-paradise @zelinksupporter

Junior got used to the hospital. 

It was often cold and many of the patients there were scary, but he knew how to keep quiet and sit alone in a corner, drawing whatever came to mind to keep himself occupied until the next round of medicine and shocks. 

He didn’t know if he deserved all of that, deserved to be the only child in a big and terrifying hospital. But those patients committed crimes and he, in a way, did too. 

It just felt like Junior’s life fell apart. Maybe it always was falling apart. His dad was strict with him, forcing him into doing cross-country, forcing him to eat less, always forcing and controlling him. But his mom was there, trying to keep him safe the most she could. 

Then she died. And he was so painfully alone. Junior wishes he could remember what happened during the time of her death to ending up at the hospital, but it was like a blur. He remembered just bits and pieces of everything. 

The funeral, everyone dressed in black. 

His bedroom, perfect and clean before being destroyed and broken from a fit of rage that he didn’t remember. 

His trophies from cross-country shattered. 

The biggest trophy with specks of blood. 

Blood on the back and side of his father’s head. 

The doctors say that Junior had “psychosis”. That he was experiencing “manic and depressive episodes” despite his very young age, the tragic death of his mother triggering those “episodes”. 

His father said that he was a dangerous “psychopath” who tried to kill him. 

Junior hardly knew what any of those words meant. To him, it just meant that he was crazy and a monster who could hurt anyone at any given moment, so he had to be sent away. 

Sent away to Lochmoor at barely ten years old. 

It was hard at first. He hated the way the “vitamins” made him feel, not to mention the shocks they would put in his head. It would leave marks on his temples and make him feel overall terrible. The nurses had to put Junior on his side after each shock session since he would vomit in his sleep, he apparently almost choked to death before when he threw up while lying flat on his back after the very first time he got shocked. 

Some days he wished he did die, then he wouldn’t need to keep being in such a scary place. 

Then other days, it wasn’t too bad. He could be left somewhat alone, drawing with some paper and crayons they would allow him to have. Junior was never the best at drawing, all the art skills belonged to his cousin, Jake. But the more he drew, almost every single day, the better he started getting at it. 

I guess Jake was right. Practice does make perfect. Junior thought to himself and then got sad to remember that he wasn’t going to be able to tell Jake that and deal with his cousin annoying him about how he was right. 

He hardly spoke to anyone there, mainly only a couple of his doctors. They wanted to know what made him “snap”. He told them what he remembered, how controlling his father was and how he was even afraid of him. 

But Junior could tell that they didn’t believe him. That his father was a good and smart man, that he would never do those things or that his “mania and depression” misinterpreted the things his father did. 

Maybe they were right. His brain was sick after all, maybe his father wasn’t as bad as he thought he was. 

Junior didn’t know anything and for the next three months, he kept to himself. He minded his own business, drew whenever he could, took his vitamins, but still cried and tried to run whenever it was time for the shock sessions. Not to mention how he cries himself to sleep every single night, wishing he was dead and buried beside his mom, staying with her instead forever and ever. 

But this was his life now. At least until the doctors finally tell him he’s better. But he doesn’t know when that will ever happen. So for now, he stays still. 

Then a new patient arrived, a woman with dark curly hair in a wheelchair. Junior recognized a new face easily, growing more and more observant the longer he stayed in Lochmoor. It wasn’t anything too new for him, even when she stared at him like she was confused as to why he would be there. 

He got that look a lot, because of his age. He still feels like he should get some kind of award for being the youngest patient at Lochmoor. 

But she would always smile and wave at him, even at times where she looked afraid or upset. For the first few days, Junior didn’t return the smiles or waves. He would keep drawing and try to ignore her stares. But something about her felt warm and kind, a feeling he had forgotten about after so long of not feeling it. 

Eventually, he would wave back at her. And then, after nearly two weeks, he did something else. Junior got up, walked toward the woman, sat down on the floor near her wheelchair, and continued his drawing. He did all of this silently, not knowing what to say since he was so used to just not talking. 

It didn’t take long for her to take the initiative. 

“Hi.” The woman said, her voice gentle and light, as if she was being cautious. 

Junior didn’t say anything for a moment before taking a deep breath. “Hi.” 

“What’s your name?” She asked him next. 

The entire time, he was keeping his eyes on his drawing, grabbing a black crayon. “Junior.” 

“Nice to meet you, Junior. I’m Nica.” 

Junior finally looked at her, the corners of his lips turning upwards, the most he could smile nowadays. “Nice to meet you too, Nica.”

The woman–Nica–smiled at him, that sweet and soft smile he had seen her send to him before. The more he looked at her, the more he noticed the scar on her forehead, angry and red, but healing. He didn’t say anything though, he went back to coloring and figured he would be doing it in silence. 

“How old are you?” Nica asked after a few seconds, making Junior think for a moment. 

It was getting harder for him to remember the days and the months, sometimes it felt like his brain was getting fuzzy and foggy. 

“Ten. Ten in September. That was…last year, I think. I’ll be eleven this year.” He finally responded, adjusting his position so he was sitting in a more criss cross position. 

“You’re a child…” She said, sounding shocked and almost confused. Or horrified? He couldn’t quite tell. 

Junior looked at her and merely shrugged his shoulders. “I know. But I can handle it.” He said simply and began coloring in his drawing, scrunching his eyebrows together in concentration. 

“Can I ask what you’re drawing?” Normally, he would be annoyed that someone kept interrupting him. But she spoke lightly to him, so it didn’t make him as upset as he would usually get. 

Maybe the treatments were actually working afterall. 

“My mom.” Junior said softly, finishing off coloring her black hair before putting the crayon down and grabbing the magenta crayon. 

“She looks pretty.” Nica said, noticing her peering down to look at the drawing. It wasn’t perfect, far from it. Again, he wasn’t an artist. But he tried to draw her the most, almost everyday, so he wouldn’t forget what she looked like. 

“Yeah…yeah, she was…” He replied, his voice sad as he stared at the picture. Junior took a deep breath, not wanting to start crying in front of someone. He tried to think of his father’s words instead. 

Don’t be such a pussy, you’re a man! Act like it! It seemed to work for the time being, clearing his throat and began using the magenta crayon to color in his mom’s dress. 

Junior figures that Nica was going to ask him next what happened to his mom, but she doesn’t. She doesn’t say a word. Maybe she already knows somehow, just by that small bit of reaction that he had. 

Whatever it was, he was grateful that she didn’t say anything. 

He was quiet still, his movement slowing down before looking up at Nica. “Do you…wanna draw too?” 

She looked a little surprised at his request before smiling again, nodding. “I would like that, thanks.” 

Junior nodded and passed her one of his other pieces of paper and other crayons that he had. They spent the next few minutes doing that, silently drawing by one another’s side. It was kind of strange to Junior but not enough to make him want to leave. For some reason, it was almost…nice. Nice and comforting and peaceful. 

It was almost like he had a friend he’s known his whole life. 

“Your drawing is really good.” Junior said after a moment, looking up to see the different types of flowers she drew. 

“Thank you, I’ve had years of practice.” Nica said with a smile as Junior began drawing a sun in the corner of his paper. 

He drew suns a lot since it feels like it’s been years since he got to feel the sun hitting his face. 

“Junior…can I ask you something?” She asked him hesitantly. 

“Mhm.” He mumbled simply, already suspecting what she was planning to ask him, the same as some of the other patients. 

“Why are you here? You don’t seem dangerous at all to need maximum security. You’re just a kid.” 

And because Junior expected the question, he answered as honestly as he would with the others. 

“Because I tried to kill my father.” 

The silence was loud enough to hear a pin drop. But since Nica wasn’t leaving him yet, Junior decided to continue. 

“That’s what they said I did. I don’t remember. Something about a ‘psychotic breakdown’. Whatever that means. I think it’s just a fancy way of saying I went crazy after mom died from cancer and tried to kill my father but he was able to stop me. I didn’t mean to try and kill him. I think I just wanted him to stop controlling me. I wanted to be free. But now I’m here for…I don’t know how long. It’s been some months now. I guess we’ll see.”

Now this is the part where Nica leaves. Where she’ll come up with some excuse and then never get next to him or talk to him ever again. Because who would trust a kid who tried to murder their own father? No one, that’s who. And she was going to be one of them. 

But almost a full minute had passed and Nica was still there. Maybe she was waiting for him to leave? That must be why, so Junior started gathering the rest of his crayons so he could get up and move away from her. 

“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Nica suddenly said, making him stop and pause, looking at her in confusion. 

“...what?” 

“You’re not crazy. You’re just a little boy who lost his mother. Took out his pain on his father. Did you get help after your mom died? Before you ended up here?” She asked him and Junior shook his head. “You should’ve gotten help. If your father cared, he would’ve done that. You don’t deserve to be here.” 

Yes I do. I’m a psychopath. He wanted to say but decided not to. 

He didn’t know why. Maybe deep down, he didn’t believe he was that crazy. That he was dangerous and wanted to hurt people. He didn’t know and would probably never find out anyway. 

“Why are you here then?” Junior decided to ask her this time. “You seem nice. I don’t know why you would end up being here.” 

Nica looked sad for a moment, looking away as she fidgeted with her sleeves before looking back at him. “They said that I killed my family. But I didn’t. It wasn’t me, I swear.”

Junior looked at her, trying to read her. She seemed to believe it, and seemed saddened by whatever happened to her family. She seemed to be convinced that she really didn’t do it. 

Or maybe Nica was crazy. But so was Junior, so he didn’t care either way. 

And if she decided to snap and kill him? Then he would just end up with his mother, something he’s been wanting anyway, so he didn’t care. 

“I believe you.” Junior said simply, putting down the rest of his crayons down and settling back into his original position. 

Nica looked a little surprised but almost relieved. “You do?”

He smiled just a tiny bit and nodded. “Uh huh. I do. You don’t seem mean enough to do something like that. So…do you pinkie promise that you didn’t do it?” He asked, holding up his pinkie to her. 

She smiled kindly at him, nodding before holding up her own pinkie and wrapping it around his. “I promise.” 

Junior started to relax, genuinely trusting her, but he was pulled out of his thoughts by one of the orderlies. “Wheeler. Come on, it’s time for your treatment.”

His eyes widened, knowing what the treatments actually meant. 

Shocks. 

It was time for him to get shocked. 

Junior whimpered quietly and started to slowly move away. “Please, please, I-I’ve been good! I’ve been good, I don’t wanna be shocked, please…” But the orderlies started to move closer so he put his cross-country skills to use. 

He sprung up and bolted. 

He knew it was futile but he had to try, screaming loudly when he felt one of the orderlies grab him before Junior was able to get out of the room, now scratching and biting at the orderly wherever he could. Through his screaming, he could vaguely hear Nica’s voice, telling them to stop and to not hurt him, but Junior knew how they were. They weren’t going to stop. Not until there was a needle in his arm and his body started to shut down. He tried to hold on, tried so hard, but he knew it was better to be asleep than awake when he was shocked. And his world went black. 

Unfortunately, just because he was asleep, doesn't mean he couldn’t feel anything. He felt each painful shock, making his entire body jolt, even sometimes waking him up midway only to be put back to sleep after he started screaming. 

Please, make it stop. Please, please, please, I can’t take this anymore. It hurts too much, I don’t want to keep feeling this! Just kill me! Kill me! Please, please, please, please, ple–

Junior doesn’t know when it stopped. He doesn’t remember much after that. He remembered throwing up when he was back in his bed before falling back asleep, his arms and legs still twitching and jolting. It felt like he was fading away, slipping in and out, in and out, in and…

Junior didn’t know what time it was, but it had to have been getting late. 

He needed to get up and go for a run. 

Try to see if he could run an extra mile. 

That would make his dad happy. 

Yes, he would be happy. 

And then maybe he could eat a little more for breakfast if his dad was happy. 

It’s a good idea. 

He just needed to get up right now. 

“Junior?”

What was that?

It was probably nothing, just his imagination again. 

“Junior, can you hear me?” 

Wait, there it was again. 

The voice was soft and warm, so warm…it sounded like mom’s…

“Come on, baby, I need you to wake up. You need to snap out of it, okay?”

Snap out of it? Snap out of what?

The voice did sound like mom’s but it was different. 

But still familiar. 

She sounded like…

“Junior? Honey?”

Junior woke up. 

He blinked a few times, realizing that he wasn’t in his room, back at his father’s house. There were gray walls all around him and a certain chill to it, something that always frightened him. He was at Lochmoor. He’s always been in Lochmoor. Sitting in the very corner of the main room, his knees pulled into his chest. 

How did he get there? 

Did they put him there or did he walk there on his own?

He couldn’t even remember. 

But he did recognize the woman’s voice, it was–

“Ni…ca…” Junior spoke slowly, struggling to find his voice, his words. 

Right. He got the shocks. He remembered now. That’s why his brain was fuzzy and in pain, his insides still twisting and churning. 

This was where he was now. 

“Oh, honey, what did they do to you…?” Nica murmured to herself, but he knew that she knew the answer. He realized that her hands were on his cheeks, gentle and light, looking at the side of his head. 

He had burn marks again, that much he knew. He had seen them before, the small burns and discoloration on his temples. They would go away in a few days, but he hated just knowing they were there. 

“Hurts…it hurts…” Junior managed to mumble out and one of Nica’s hands went through his hair, soothing back the dark strands so gently. 

“I know, baby, I know. Just take some deep breaths, I’ve got you. I’ve got you.” She told him softly and he started to tear up. 

Normally he could try to stop it, but he couldn’t now. He accepted defeat, accepted the pain he was in, but leaned forward and pressed his cheek against her knee while clinging onto her leg. 

Nica didn’t move him, continuing to stroke his hair in light and soothing notions, whispering to him but Junior didn’t know what she was saying. It didn’t matter though because despite the pain, he realized something. 

He wasn’t alone. 

For the first time in so long, he wasn’t alone. 

Junior finally had a friend and maybe he was going to be okay.

[roseofdarknessblog]

Everything Will Be Okay (Porco Galliard x Reader)

Word count: 3 285

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes

TW: mentions of anxiety, depression, self-harm, suicide, swearing 

Everything Will Be Okay

„Want me to pick you up from school after work?“

„No need... I stayed home. Wasn’t feeling good.“

„Really? You promised me you would go today. Are you trying to get yourself in trouble?“

„Porco, please...“

„I’m being serious. You haven’t been to school for almost two weeks now. I know uni is different from high school, but still. You’re never going to get that degree if you keep on behaving like this.“

You put your phone down with teary eyes and pulled the blanket over your head. He was angry with you. Again. Just like the last couple of days. Most of them were spent arguing or in painful silence. It really hurt – the fact that your boyfriend wasn’t able to understand that you were getting bad again.

Severe anxiety and underlying depressive episodes were nothing new to you. They troubled you for most parts of your life and made almost everything unnecessarily hard and complicated. School, part-time jobs, and even social life. Making new friends was a nightmare. But dating was something even worst. On most days you were convinced that nobody would ever love you.

Why would they?

You were a total mess, your life had no real meaning and if you disappeared, probably nobody would even notice. Or care.

Well... at least that’s what your darkest thoughts wanted you to believe.

But then you met Porco Galliard. The two of you accidentally bumped into each other at a bookstore. You were carrying a huge pile of books and couldn’t see the boy walking towards you. And since he was occupied by the phone in his hand, he didn’t see you, either. Let’s just say that he wasn’t very happy when several books fell on his feet and even knocked the phone out of his hand.

You never felt more embarrassed in your entire life. Quickly apologizing you picked up your books and tried to leave the angrily cursing and hissing boy. But the stack was really heavy and you almost tripped over one of the rugs the bookstore floor was full of. Porco caught you just in time and helped you make it to the cash register safely by carrying the books for you. You apologized to him once more, thanked him, and did something you never dared to do before – you invited the boy for a coffee at the next-door caffé shop.

To this day you didn’t exactly know why you did it. But it felt right at that moment. Even more when he left you his number after saying goodbye to each other. And so after many more small cute dates and even more late-night calls and texts, the two of you became a couple.

With him, everything felt so natural and easy. You felt loved and appreciated. But most important... you felt safe. Safer than ever before.

„What’s going on? You’ve been acting really strange since we moved in together last week.“

„I don’t wanna talk about it through texts.“

„I get it, but you barely talk to me when I get home from work. It’s always Porco I’m tired, I’m just not in the mood, my head hurts... and stuff like that.“

He was right. You were avoiding him, which was a good starter for almost every argument the two of you had in the last couple of days. Porco was super excited for you to move in with him and even though you wanted to live with your boyfriend and spend as much time with him as possible, it was a huge change in your life.

And you were never good with those.

Starting a new school or work, going to some important place you have never been to before... it all triggered your anxiety and made every day a living hell. There were times when even your meds couldn’t help you feel better. You just had to wait it out, try to calm yourself, and simply push through.

„Everything's fine, I just... need some time to adjust.“

„Was moving really that bad? If you don’t want to live with me you can just say it, no need to make a big fuss around it. It just makes us both miserable.“

„No no no... I just...“

Your life kinda started to fall apart weeks before that. University was stressing you out on daily basis, you got fired from your job and had some nasty arguments with your parents. Porco became the only light in your daily life. The only thing that kept you going and distracted you from your darkest thoughts.

Until the day you saw him become frustrated with your mood swings, lack of energy, and desire to communicate properly. You cried yourself to sleep that night because you loved the boy so much and never wanted to hurt him in any way. He was always so kind and loving towards you, so how could you hurt him with your horrible behavior like that?

„I love you, Porco. And I’m so sorry.“

With that, you turned your phone off and hid it under the pillow.

You could feel sheer panic rising in your chest, it made your heart race and your hands shake. It took over your logical thinking and started to whisper horrible things to you. And even though you tried not to listen and give in, it was getting harder every single day.

You were so tired of everything always going wrong.

Tired of ruining your life over and over again.

Tired of being scared all the time.

Tired of being a burden to everyone.

Tired of trying.

You were just so tired of being yourself.

Porco was usually excited to leave his workplace behind and head home or somewhere else with you. But today he was dreading coming back to his apartment. He knew that behind closed doors awaited another stupid and pointless argument. It made him sad and disappointed – in himself, not you. He felt frustrated because you were shying away from him and didn't accept the help he was so desperately trying to offer.

Well... maybe it was because of his temper. He always was kind of impulsive and pretty stubborn. It was usually him, who started raising his voice and left halfway through the argument. But every time he promised himself that next time it would be different. He really tried to do his best each day because he loved you like no one else in his life. You meant the world to him and he would do anything for you. Anything.

„I fucked up.“

He texted his older brother as soon as he got to his car, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes for a second. Work has been crazy for the past few weeks. He was constantly stressed and tired, which made him even more nervous and agitated. But he had to keep up with his boss’s commands if he wanted the promotion which was at stake.

„Well, that’s nothing groundbreaking. I mean, you do that pretty often, baby brother.“

„Fuck you, Marcel.“

„Yeah, I love you too. So... tell me, what’s the problem? What did you do this time?“

„We’ve been arguing since she moved in and it’s only gettin' worse. I’m really starting to worry about her. Like... I know something is going on, but she just won’t tell me anything and keeps acting weird, kinda distant and cold.“

„Is she taking her meds properly? You know that she struggles with that sometimes, mostly when she’s feeling the worst.“

„She is, I make sure of it every morning before I leave for work.“

Porco knew for a long time now that you had serious mental issues. At first, he got a little scared but you telling him everything also made him really emotional. You trusted him enough to talk about something so personal. That day he went home and spent long hours on the internet reading everything he could about anxiety and depression – best coping methods, most effective treatment options, and such. He wanted to be prepared for every occasion you may need his help.

„I’ve been a dick to her lately, wouldn't be surprised if she wanted to dump my stupid ass. I never deserved her anyway.“

„Okay, stop right there! Putting yourself down won’t fix anything. You both need to sit down and talk your way through it like always. She loves you, I’m sure about that.“

„I love her too.“

„Yeah, I know. You’ve been head over heels for her from day one, wouldn’t talk about anything else.“

„Her phone has been off for the last hour or so. I’m kinda scared to go back home, don’t wanna argue again.“

„Get your ass to your car and go, you idiot! She needs you, so stop being a crybaby and be there for her. I bet she can’t wait for you, it’s been a long day. Try talking for a bit and if it doesn’t work, just spend time with her. Hug her, kiss her, reassure her that everything will be okay again. I don’t know... you know what works best in these kinds of situations for her.“

Marcel was right. As always. But Porco would never admit that out loud.

He got home as soon as he could. Speeding half of the way, not putting on any music which was unusual for Porco. A strong unpleasant feeling took over him. Why would you send him that last text and immediately turn your phone off? And why was he such an idiot and didn’t run home right away? Screw his boss and the shitload of work, you were far more important.

„Babe? I’m home!“ he shouted as soon as he unlocked the door to his apartment. It was nothing fancy, but just enough to feel comfortable, cozy, and safe. Enough to start his life with you by his side.

All the lights were out and the apartment was flooded with dead silence. That made chills run down his spine. Did you pack your stuff and went back to your parents? Was he really that horrible that you finally had enough of him?

„I’m sorry about earlier,“ he said a little hesitantly and made his way to the bedroom. The door was slightly ajar, but no light was coming from the room. The floorboards softly creaked under his feet as he entered, made his way to the bed, and turned on the little lamp on his nightstand.

And there you were. Curled up under your favorite fuzzy blanket and hugging a plush lion he won for you at a festival you visited for your second date. A loving smile made its way to Porco’s lips as he leaned down and kissed your cheek softly, careful not to wake you up.

But that smile was gone in the same instant his eyes discovered what was laying on the bed next to you. A bright yellow makeup bag you used for keeping all your meds in one place. Anxiety and depression medications, some sleeping pills, and pain relievers you always had on hand because you got bad headaches pretty often.

„Shit, shit, shit... NO!“ he cursed loudly and turned you over to your back. „What the hell did you do?! Why? Why would you...“ His voice broke as tears started to collect in his eyes. Porco never felt more scared, never in his twenty-one years on this planet. His hands were shaking as he brushed back a few strands of hair from your face.

You looked so beautiful.

So peaceful.

So...

You stirred a little when a familiar voice interrupted your sleep. The first thing you saw as you opened your eyes was your boyfriend. He was finally home after another long day. Porco became such a workaholic that it made you worried sometimes. He wanted that promotion really badly, but it was slowly taking a toll on him.

„Porco?“ you said his name still half asleep and reached for his hand. The boy sitting next to you jumped a little, his eyes wide and face pale like he just saw a ghost. „What is it? You okay?“

„ME!“ he screamed at you, reaching to the other side of the bed and grabbing the pills you accidentally left there earlier. You went to get some water and when you came back, tears rolling down your cheeks, you just collapsed back under the blanket and didn’t care about putting the meds away. „How many did you take?! Do we need to go to the ER? Should I drive or call an ambulance?“

„What? No... Porco, listen...“ You quickly sat up and grabbed both of his hands, trying to look him in the eyes. Seeing them full of tears made your heart hurt. „Calm down, love. I’m fine, really. Nothing happened, I’m okay.“

„But... but...“ he stuttered looking confused and still scared to death.

„I only took one extra pill for my anxiety and one for sleeping. I felt like shit, pretty bad anxiety attacks kept coming and going the whole day. I just... I wanted to sleep it off, and you know I can’t fall asleep without pills when I’m like this.“

You hated taking all your meds, but they were very important. And you always reminded yourself that they are only temporary, with the right kind of therapy there was a big chance of making a full recovery. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually.

„That’s why I turned my phone off,“ you added, leaning closer to him, and kissing his cheek. „And kinda because I was angry with you. But I didn’t want to hurt myself, I promise.“

It sometimes occurred to you, of course, it did. Depression was a nasty opponent and often made you question if it was really worth keeping on going. But there was so much to live for and you didn’t want to miss out on those things.

You never wanted to harm yourself... not really. All you wanted was to just silence the pain and break the numbness that sometimes took over your life.

„I really thought...“ whispered Porco in a broken tone and lowered his face into his palms.

„Come here.“ You carefully pulled him into a tight hug, resting your head on top of his. His whole body was still shaking slightly, heart pounding wildly in his chest. „I’m sorry, I didn’t wanna scare you like this.“ Your lips gently pressed a small kiss to his forehead when he lifted his head a little to look at you. „I’m really sorry, Porco.“

He shook his head, grabbed your face, and kissed you on the lips. Fear was mixing with love and relief as his lips parted and he kissed you even more intensely. More hungrily. More lovingly.

„I was horrible to you recently. My job is making me really stressed and I took it out on you like an idiot. As if I didn’t know you already had it pretty hard. With school, your parents, and moving in together.“

„Well, I wasn’t making it any easier for us.“

When your mental health got out of control, you just shut down and pushed everyone away. Sometimes even Porco who was desperately trying to get to you and help. He was capable of bringing you back from the darkest corners of your mind, but only when you let him. If not, there was nothing he could do. Just wait for you to fight back on your own.

„A lot of things happened recently and I got overwhelmed by everything. You know I’m not good with big changes, even if they are good ones.“

He suggesting you to come live with him was something spectacular. You couldn’t wait to fall asleep every night next to him and wake up the same way – in his loving embrace while he whispered how much he loved you. You wanted to create your own little home with him, and do all the little daily tasks around your shared place.

Porco liked to cook in his free time, so you were pretty excited about getting some delicious meals, and eating them together by candlelight and with his favorite music playing in the background. You wanted to share everything with him, every little detail of your daily life.

But life wasn’t always sunshine and rainbows. It wasn’t like that most of the time, but you still wanted nothing more, than for you two to be happy. To live peacefully and create a future you both would feel excited about.

„I love you,“ you said kissing his lips again. „I love you so much, Porco.“ He was still in shock, you could feel it as his tensed body was leaning against yours. Did you ever see him this scared? About anything? No, definitely not. He wasn’t that type, playing it cool and unbothered was mostly what he went with. „Please, just relax. I’m fine, everything is okay. You can count over my pills if you want to, hardly any of them are missing.“

„No, I believe you... I’m just... shit I really thought it was over and that it was my fault. I was horrible to you when you needed me. But I’m so incredibly sorry, you know I love you more than anything. Nothing should be more important than you and your needs.“

You carefully wiped tears away from his cheeks, lightly kissing the tip of his nose. He hated that but never said anything because his adorable frown always made you smile a little. „Porco, if anything ever happens, it will never be your fault. Understand? Never. Most days it’s you who keeps me going, who keeps me motivated to try over and over again. I want to get better for myself but also for you. For us. For our future together.“

He nodded slightly, burying his face into the crook of your neck. His arms wrapped tightly around your waist as he kissed you on the shoulder, then on your neck and chin. Porco never was a big fan of physical contact... until the two of you met and he got comfortable around you. Since then he loved holding hands, hugging, and cuddling up to you in bed. He always wanted to feel you close to him, because your presence was the most comforting thing for him. Especially after a long day at work.

„I’m so tired,“ Porco muttered against your neck, leaning deeper into your embrace.

„It’s fine, we can sleep for a bit and have dinner later,“ you said and made yourself comfortable again, pulling Porco into the sheets with you. He lay on his back, inviting you to rest your head on his broad chest, so he can wrap his arms around you protectively.

„Are you feeling better now? Did the meds help?“ he asked quietly, playing with a few strands of your hair. „Or can I help somehow?“

„Just hold me for a while.“

Were you really feeling better? No, not really. Especially not after you scared your boyfriend like that. You were angry with yourself, how could you act so stupid and careless? But it was better to keep quiet and melt into his embrace. Every bad thought will pass... you knew that. They weren’t real and they didn’t have the power to hurt you. Not when Porco was there.

Love wasn’t some magical remedy for your messed up thoughts, heavy heart, and hurtful soul, but it really did help. Simply just laying there, listening to Porco’s once again calmly beating heart and playing with the buttons on his shirt he hated wearing to work.

You felt at ease like you could finally breathe a little better again.

Everything will be okay. 

Everything.

[sixthwater]

Hello everyone! The year is finally coming to a close. I hope everyone is being safe during the holidays and you're feeling loved and cared for. Today we are going to do a rewind and see what this year has been like for you, what you've learned, what you've overcome, and who you are now at the end of it all.

(Left → Right / Pile 1 → Pile 4)

Decks Used: The Rider-Waite, Modern Witch, Tarot Familiars, Woodland Wardens, Abandoned Oracle, Seed & Sickle, Astrological Oracle

Disclaimer | Pinned | Paid Readings

Please don’t silently engage! You can support my work the best by either leaving feedback or reblogging

Pile One

2022 Review: The Lovers Rx, VII of Cups, Wheel of Fortune (II of Cups, V of Swords Rx, IV of Cups)

Through the year you might have felt somewhat clumsy, possibly nearing the end of it, as well as starting to clam up somewhat. Some of the cards didn’t want to come out and when they did, I struggled to catch them or I seemed to have butter fingers for no reason, like a little bit of anxious energy.  There was a loss of either a partner for some, and for others it was a friend or a social circle. The partner feels more loose, like it was an idea or you both were never fully labeled before it fell apart. As for the friend group, there could be a few things here. Either an issue caused some discomfort so you left or you ended up being cast out from this group, you never could really feel comfortable with the friends that you sought out, or it was finally time to shed an old circle you’ve been hanging on to for sentimental or security reasons. Overall there’s a feeling of an idealized relationship that got shattered (Unwanted by Avril Lavigne is playing). Throughout the year you may have gotten opportunities to meet other people or get involved with other events that could lead to relationships that aligned with you but you were still recovering from this former blow, or you were so focused on what you wanted in the first place, that you saw the first con and you would rather miss out on it completely. There was a bit of pickiness and stubbornness when the Seven of Cups was being pulled with it’s clarifier so it felt very much like the “take it or leave it” energy. Hopes & Dreams by Caskets is playing now, it feels like a very muted Tower moment, more like things being ripped from you but it’s not like they weren’t meant for you, but it’s the theme of people coming into your life to teach you things and sometimes aren’t meant to stay forever.

Who Are You Now: IX of Swords Rx, The Tower, The Moon, The Vulture and Asphodel Rx, The Cat and Lavender Rx

Currently you’re attempting to be in recovery mode, but there are small episodes where something will trigger a memory or emotion, resulting in you being pissed or depressed over what happened. Which is completely normal, it’s healthier to feel these things out instead of pushing them down since it only makes it worse. There’s a bit of fear and pain in your mental state right now. You are shutting yourself off from truly opening up to new people. You may be interacting with others but you’re not letting them get to know you. There’s a rabbit on The Moon card and you know how they react to people even if they’re yards away from them? That’s how it feels. The Tower has an Owl on it so you’re also taking this as a lesson learned, but right now it feels a bit more of you protecting yourself too much so that absolutely nothing can hurt you. You might have had a delayed reaction to these events or it’s dragging along as you’re trying to focus on better days, but the shadows are still following you very closely. It’s absolutely normal to be filled with anger, grief, fear, and emptiness over these events for a good amount of time, but do not forget to reach out to someone. If you still have other close friends, once you’re comfortable, see if you can work something out to be introduced to a new friend group or people in small doses. Hang out with family if you have good relations with them. If you have good weather where you are, go see if there’s anything free to do in your neighborhood; it’s a good way to get out and ‘engage’ with people but at your own comfort while doing something you’d want to do. The main goal here is to remind yourself that you aren’t the problem, the world isn’t scary, and you can recover from this. You are someone worthy of loving and it’s okay to let people in again, in due time.

What Have You Overcome: The Kiss Rx

Repetition of what I said in the first section lol. The card shows a mummy pecking a lady’s hand, therefore spreading germs and causing issues. In reverse this means cleansing and purification. So while this clearly wasn’t done on purpose, you basically had some spring cleaning done to make way for better people to come into your life. Frequency by iyla is playing right now. When you recover, having a review of how this relationship would or has affected your life might have you feeling pretty okay that it worked it’s magic and you both went different ways.

What Have You Learned: Moonwort Rx, Rose, Jupiter, Pisces

Are you guys creative or really need to express yourselves in some way? I know that’s a basic human quality but all this circles back into each other. It might be a bit different in particular for some of you but there’s a main message of learning about yourself and what you really need, going within yourself, and taking your emotions to turn it into a creation of some kind. Whether that’s to fuel your motivation to finish menial tasks at work or actual art, you’re taking this grief and trying to not just let it be grief. That’s not what you want it to be. This section gave me the first happy song which is about enjoying your earnings and celebrating in the most obnoxious way possible the good ol LMFAO way (who also had a falling out). This falling out or loss made you look inwards and realize what you wanted, maybe to a perfectionist degree, but you don’t want ‘scraps’ so to say. It may have helped figure out a hobby you enjoy for some that helped you take your mind off things. Overall there’s a lesson of inner recognition, treating yourself in a nurturing way and not letting yourself be still, but not to a harmful degree.

Pile Two

2022 Review: X of Pentacles, Queen of Wands, Knight of Pentacles (The Star, Page of Cups Rx, IV of Wands Rx)

This year might have been very slow paced for some or most of you. Maybe not literally, but it felt very heavy or like it dragged on when you wanted it to be over – like tasks or chores never stopped coming. It also feels like either a year focused on Saturn or like a fourth house profection year but that’s getting pretty specific. Either way, it was focused on family: looking into your ancestry, healing relationships with some, figuring out your identity, or being able to be near loved ones to heal a part of you. There’s a specific feeling of looking into your family tree and asking your family about your lineage to help work through who you are, so take that if it resonates. Overall, it’s that moments or times spent with loved ones helped clear up inner issues. Doesn’t have to be physical either, I don’t see many swords but it can also just be phone conversations as well. It reminds me of get-togethers during the holidays with large family gatherings that include extended relatives (I am doing this right before Christmas). For those that have a test relationship, it feels like over the year it was a slow path to working through things to getting that joyous relationship that you wanted to have. Both things are paired with coming into yourself and figuring out who you want to be seen as. Sometimes you feel a little naive or sensitive, or you can react to outside stimuli in that way. You’re working towards being a more confident and whole self as you work through these problems either from childhood or just issues related to family in general.

Who Are You Now: Ace of Swords, The Star Rx, Knight of Cups, The Qual and Gooseberry, The Otter and Cattail Rx

Hmm you’re entering a new phase of your life but you don’t think you can handle it — for some of you if not most. Oh God by MOTHICA is playing but it’s the anxiety that I’m picking up on. That feeling of getting in front of the door or taking the plunge but while you’re jumping you start getting in your head and you want to take it all back. You have learned a lot over the past year; whether that’s about yourself, your family, or about life in general. You’ve had a lot of breakthroughs and you’re sharper than you started the year off, and that Page turned into a Knight. You’re being a bit easier on yourself and you have a better grasp on your emotional world than when you started the year off. It’s like when you’re getting used to riding a bike and you have to figure out the balance and speed so you can ride it — you’re getting the gist of it now. However the interesting thing here is that with The Star and the Knight of Cups, there’s three animals on each card. In The Star, only one of the cats is looking towards us whilst in the KoC all three owls hold piercing stares and they’ve huddled together now. For some this could represent two other people you’ve grown closer to throughout the year and there’s a protective energy or reliance that’s sprouted. For others this is a sign of you starting off feeling slightly on edge and becoming increasingly anxious as the year ends for whatever this incoming event is. You feel like you can’t handle the change but you’ve gained experience for a reason; learn to trust yourself because you can do it, relax just a bit and get out of your head because all that over-thinking might actually be the cause of your undoing.

What Have You Overcome: The Asylum Rx, The Shadow Rx

I tried to only take one for this section but they wanted me to take two lol. So yeah, a lot of looking within this year, which wasn’t pleasant. This reminds me of when people usually get told they’re just not trying hard enough since the rest of the family is ‘just fine’, only to find out that they Are in fact neurodivergent. It could also be years of being gaslit only to find out that you weren’t making everything up after all and someone finally remembered your story or you were able to find evidence of what you were talking about. This combination speaks to searching for answers about issues relating to yourself so you can find peace and I hope you’ve at least found the beginning of it. These problems are a part of you, yes, but they do not make up your entire identity.

What Have You Learned: Ivy Rx, Buttercup Rx, Uranus, Sol

I think these are lessons you’re currently in the process of working through or you just came out of. It’s all about working with the universe and letting them hand you your rewards when they know it’s right for you. They’re bringing back that anxious and nervous energy that was spoken of earlier, but these cards are laid in the resting position, so it’s more a lesson of waiting and receiving instead of going out to get it. Also wanting to rest your mind, again. We don’t (and probably never will) understand what the universe has for us, especially how our guides work. They deliver messages to us in ways that we understand, but we aren’t always receptive, especially if it’s not what we want to hear at that moment. So for you, it’s about coming to terms with just…being chill with it’s erratic and unusual nature of it all. There’s also a bit of being okay with not being okay. Not fitting — I’m sorry there is so much ruckus going on outside while I’m writing this piece and it’s so annoying but I can’t help but feel like this fits Right in with your energy / your pile. Anyway, not fitting the bill of what would be considered “a regular Joe”, and that’s okay. Owning who you are, flaws and all, is something that you’ve learned or will learn by the middle of January I feel? Good shit. Give a quick listen to feelings are fatal by mxmtoon if you want to!

Pile Three

2022 Review: V of Cups, The Hierophant Rx, The Devil (IX of Pentacles, King of Wands Rx, Wheel of Fortune)

Okay, I had to pull one more card in general because I felt like this message was way too specific for a general pick a card, but I got the Queen of Swords. I will go through the louder message first and then pick up all the smaller ones that shot through. Loudest message: I’m getting that someone you liked has become committed to someone else, and alternatively for others it’s someone that won’t fully commit or leave your life? Okay, Burn by BANKS…As I was saying, there’s this hot and cold energy for some which is rubbing you the wrong way. For others, you have to swallow a bitter pill, possibly because you have to constantly see or interact with this person. Now for the other messages, I can see someone getting distracted by new minor obsessions or addictions. Nothing intense, maybe like gacha games or pacs or kpop or stuff like that. It got to the point though of possibly interfering with your work and you got in trouble for it. It might have caused someone to keep watch on you, a loss of a possible promotion, or not getting that raise you really wanted — but it could’ve been way worse is what I keep getting for some reason. For some it’s an arranged love situation?? God for a Day by Art of Dying is playing. I’m getting a bit blocked from picking up the entire message, which I’m not surprised because it feels a bit sensitive and personal right now. For both groups this Devil energy is the strongest because that’s causing the focus on the three fallen cups. There’s nothing wrong with grieving but it might be blocking any action you can be taking to fight back or help yourself. This pile is a straight mixed bag.

Who Are You Now: King of Wands Rx, Ace of Wands Rx, Six of Swords Rx, The Raccoon and Sycamore, The Lizard and Pitcher Plant

Bulletproof by Kerli. There’s a big feeling of ‘what-ifs’ and being very…dull. It reminds me of The Star in reverse. The King of Wands in reverse usually is someone very obnoxious and way too proud but with this imagery it gives off the feeling of someone imagining that persona and gives a more watery feeling. There’s not much action being taken and the cat is listlessly staring into this flame slumped over. There’s a lot of daydreaming, not a lot of action or inspiration — as well as a lack of faith either in themselves or the world around them currently for their actions to really take them anywhere. The energy is within you to go somewhere and do big things and be grand but it’s like you’re waiting for a faux perfect chance to do something or you always turn around at the last minute. There’s an inkling of wonder that keeps making you take that left turn to wonder down new paths before turning back though and you should follow through! Like B.I.T.C.H. by Megan is playing lmao I know it’s in you. There’s a lot of “what am I even doing” going on, and a little bit of beating yourself up too. Trust that you can always start over and survive the transitional period with little discomfort as long as you take care of yourself.

What Have You Overcome: The Viewing Rx

Getting clear answers. There’s a lot of signs of someone else holding the power of you, regardless of what group you belonged to within this reading, and at some point within the year, you were able to overcome that and come back to yourself. You either cut relationships loose that were dragging you around, started incorporating morning mantras that made you feel better, or just had a routine that kept your boundaries strong and clear. Good. You have strong energy that gives way for people that they love and it shouldn’t be messed with lightly.

What Have You Learned: Aconite Rx, Daisy, Leo, Gemini

Rest and Creation. Putting your energy into things that are worth your time and energy. I don’t know why but I’m getting the message of also just. Being like everyone else. There’s a big fuss about being unique and having a curated feed and everything, but with Daisy and Gemini, there’s a lot of repeated imagery. No longer fighting for attention and changing things about you so people take interest in you. Especially with the Leo card here. If people don’t enjoy you for who you are, then it’s better that way. Soaking up all the praise and compliments that come your way and diving into a colorful and creative mindspace. This is a really good energy in this section, I’m happy for you guys. I hope you have a beautiful 2023.

Pile Four

2022 Review: IX of Wands, Judgement, VII of Wands (The Hermit Rx, Knight of Swords, VII of Swords)

Something new is (or was) trying to start in your life and you were really not feeling it. Not many other people know though at least. This could be physical like moving, starting college, a new job, etc. Or this could be like a spiritual journey that knocked you on your ass without warning. I’m feeling like it’s more physical though, because of the knight. I’m not really feeling you being in your head a lot, maybe more like you’re comfortable where you are and yeah something new is cool but you’re familiar with what you’re doing. So putting on a brave front or just going along with things is smoothening out the tension around you but it is definitely not the truth. It could also be the concept of ‘well if I fake it I’ll make it right’. Reminds me of the movie called Accepted about that kid faking his entire college career. For some you might’ve tried to find ways out of it and eventually gave up but for the majority it’s just: smile and nod. That’s pretty much it, it’s kind of straight forward haha.

Who Are You Now: Queen of Pentacles Rx, II of Swords Rx, Ace of Swords

You need a gentle roasting from some friends. An active delay in making a decision has made more self-doubt and fear bubble up inside you. It’s also caused a bad game of ‘little white lies’ to tangle up into a rubber band ball. It’s not like you don’t have the clarity or capabilities to make a good choice for yourself but there’s a fear that it won’t work out and you want to go back to where it’s safe. There’s a strong feeling of wanting to be tucked in and coddled — not literally but like, being safe in your house when it’s a bad winter storm outside. The changes are the winter storm whilst your house is everything you’re okay with. You don’t have much trust in your decision making even though you’ve displayed exceptional choices before. You’re being called to rely on things that can’t see and that’s what’s bugging you. You can’t jump into a time machine and see what choice works out the best but that’s life. Sometimes we’re called to live through uncomfortable times because it leads us to experience lessons that we need to learn, and I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t believe that you could make this next step wisely.

What Have You Overcome: Blessings

You are the only pile that got something upright and it’s actually a good card lol. There’s definitely a piece pointing to you trusting your inner gut or your intuition this year, I mean you wouldn’t be here reading this otherwise. You definitely come off as someone who relies more on practical things or you prefer to not get too caught up in divination. However this year might’ve been a bit difficult since you had to heavily rely on messages and guidance that wasn’t so direct and obvious. That can be extremely difficult and honestly quite annoying so I’m proud of you.

What Have You Learned: Mandrake, Basil, Mercurius, Libra

Oh I’m LOSING my mind: “You’re due to set out on a journey, be it physical or spiritual, so be ready for a change in your life” ????? HELLO? Well if it’s spiritual hello welcome to my blog lol. For those with the physical journey, you have or will be handling it with grace. There’s a lot of neutralistic energy but it’s very passionate underneath the surface. Once you get going, there’s a lot of communication and wanting to interact with people to gain your bearings and gain a new sense of home. You will be guided safely on this journey and your guides are working very silently in the background to make sure you just so happen to catch the right deals to make this transition pretty easy. For those with the spiritual journey, you’re being watched over. I can see you wanting to learn. Like a lot. I can still see you wanting to keep one foot grounded ‘in reality’ though no matter what because it just makes you feel better? Just know that your guides are so heavily with you it’s really cute whenever I get these messages. Like they want to make sure both you and me know that they’re very present and have you covered and protected no matter what so please don’t think you’re alone. If there’s anything personal to you like butterflies or a number or like some old TV show or smth, guides will usually try and send you messages with those or in a particular way that only you would usually recognize. There’s a heavy excited energy here it’s very cute and I hope you guys don’t get hurt on either journey. I’m wishing you the best!!

[corazondefae]

9-18-24: Processing

I got vaxxed twice today! Woo!

It was my first time ever getting the flu vaccine and I got the new COVID vaccine as well! I'm both hoping I have side effects so I can call out tomorrow and hoping I don't so I don't have to call out tomorrow because I need money...

I had therapy earlier today and it really got me thinking about how much my mental health truly affects my every day life.

My nervous system is trying to heal itself. I'm no longer in an environment where I have to be on edge 24/7. I'm not going into details but a year ago I experienced something very traumatic. I witnessed violence within my family and I had to keep it together as there were young kids in the house at the time.

This experience truly shattered my world. Even now, I don't know how I got through it and I'm still processing everything that happened. I took two days off of work and then went back. Sure, I was depressed and everybody could see, but I was working to distract myself from my terrible home life. Now that I've moved out with my husband I'm learning how to live instead of survive.

I'm in the process of getting an official PTSD diagnosis, which is wild to say. I always felt like I never went through "enough trauma" (whatever that means) in order to officially be diagnosed. Yes, I've experienced traumatic events in my life, but surely that doesn't mean I have PTSD...right? (Wrong!)

I'm also processing my feelings towards referring to myself as disabled. Physically, I'm mostly fine. However, my mental health really does affect my every day life and I never noticed it until recently.

My mental health has greatly impacted my nervous system, daily functioning, relationships with others, and ability to do essential tasks such as showering, going to work, completing my associate's, taking care of myself.

---

Lets go through some things my mental illnesses do for me, shall we?:

OCD - Makes me anxious every waking moment due to constant intrusive thoughts, avoidance of certain places or actions (ex: eating) due to fear of my intrusive thoughts becoming reality, avoidance of loved ones if they are dealing with something that triggers my OCD, spending up to hours cleaning and washing anything I've deemed "contaminated" (especially my hands), constant reassurance-seeking in intentional and unintentional ways all the time, a few times I've started spiraling and almost started to believe I was hallucinating an entirely different reality to the "real" one

PTSD - Anxiety in my home to the point I was taking Melatonin every night so I could leave as soon as possible in the morning, constantly being on edge to the point where the TV being too loud made me drop everything so I could check it was just the TV and not people screaming at each other, remembering traumatic situations so many times, actively triggers my OCD as well so I have obsessions related to my trauma, too anxious to do tasks even in a safe environment because I'm afraid that one day something terrible will happen which leaves me depressed as well, constant stress since the situation was never resolved, constant guilt, I still shake and my voice wavers when I talk about it

PMDD - THE IRRITABILITY AND RAGE OH MY!, constantly talking myself off the edge while in the middle of my workday, work ethic goes down significantly due to how miserable I feel, short but terrible depressive episodes starting around two weeks before my cycle, getting angry at others for no reason to the point I can't recognize myself sometimes (luckily I'm pretty good at keeping the anger in), not having motivation to do anything, have to leave work early sometimes which has wrecked my PTO

---

I think I needed to write that down so I don't feel like I'm overreacting. My pain is valid. My mental pain is valid. And it would still be valid if it didn't significantly alter my life.

I'm doing all that I can to be better. I am so much better than I was and I want to be better than I am now. But I need to allow myself to wallow in my pain as well. I cannot let it consume me but I cannot cage it either. I guess that's what I'm doing right now.

---

Other than that, today has been less productive than I wanted it to be! I still need to go grocery shopping. Too late to do that today :(

I tried doing my nails today but I tried a new method and it did NOT work out well! I'll try again on my next day off.

I leave you all with my latest obsession: Sabrina Carpenter

[she-karev]

The Night Before (Andrew DeLuca x Alex Karev’s Sister Imagine)

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: One of Two

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Ship: Andrew DeLuca x Amber Karev (Alex Karev Sister’s)

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 6

AN: We're nearing the bad time we all don't want to think about but in this blog your safe cuz DeLuca lives in my mind and in my heart. Stay tuned for the next chapter and the next story that will surely break your hearts but mend them.

Summary: Andrew talks to Amber about them spending the night together needing to know if it was a one-time thing or it could lead to something more.

Words: 1804

May 2nd, 2020

Andrew DeLuca is helping Carina set up a bed in the cafeteria that is now being converted into covid overflow. The task is depressing to Andrew and his sister who know it’s a necessity for the public but know it could have been easily avoided if people followed protocols. While he is doing this Andrew told Carina about his night with Amber on her last night of quarantine. He is seeking her advice in Italian, so nobody overhears, and this gets back to Alex, Jo and Jackson who are still on the fence about him and protective of Amber.

“I was gonna take a shower and leave.” Andrew recaps in his native language to his sister who is helping him set up the bed, “I was gonna leave but then she came in and started taking her clothes and…” Andrew sighs in pleasure at the memory from six days ago, “It was like our first night together only better and it makes me wonder if she felt the same too.”

“Did she regret it?” Carina asks in Italian.

“No she didn’t, if anything she was eager for more the morning after.” Andrew sets up the monitor, “But then we left the room. We drove back to our places and I haven’t heard a word from her since. If I didn’t know better, I would think she was getting revenge for when I didn’t answer her calls, but I know despite how she acts she’s not like that.”

Carina tucks the bedsheets in the gurney, “Have you seen her here? Has she been in yet?”

“Yeah, tonight is her first night back and I don’t know if she’s avoiding me or I’m avoiding her.”

“Why would you be avoiding her?” Carina asks, “Do you regret that night?”

“God no that night was…” Andrew tries to find the words, “It was amazing and not just because of the isolation. I really felt like we were finally gonna start over again and she was gonna give me another chance like I’ve been begging her for weeks. I thought we were finally gonna move past that awful stage we were in, but it’s been six days since I’ve heard from her, and I think that’s answer enough. A part of me is avoiding her too because I’m afraid she’s gonna reject me again and I’m gonna have to work extra hard to keep my sanity in check.”

Carina looks at her brother in sympathy knowing he’s still beating himself up, “I’ve apologized, and I’ve tried to see things from her point of view in this. I know if it was her that inherited her mom’s illness, I would be a wreck too and I would be triggered from living with papa.” Carina gets a crinkle in her eyebrow that Andrew knows too well causing him to furrow his eyebrows, “What is it?”

Carina shrugs, “I didn’t say anything.”

“You know that mask covers your mouth and nose but not your eyebrows which I can see crinkling. It’s what you do when you hold back on something for my own sake.” Carina admonishes herself for her tell as her brother persists, “Come on tell me, I’m a big boy I can handle it.”

Carina sighs but relents, “Fine but you asked for it bambino. I know Amber feels like you can relate to what her mother put her through, but the truth is you weren’t exposed to that like she was.”

Andrew narrows his eyes in curiosity as he sets up the IV pole while Carina continues, “Me and mama tried to shield you from papa’s mania and his aggression. Amber’s brothers did the same for her with her mother but unlike you she didn’t have a parent to move her across the world away from that insanity. Me and Amber had to deal with that on a daily basis, me with papa’s mania and her with her mama’s hallucinations.”

Andrew looks remorseful for both Amber and Carina that had to grow up with that, “I don’t want you to feel bad I would rather you not go through what we went through at all but the fact is she has been face to face with that suffering longer than you. And when we left we have learned not to come second to chaos.”

Andrew sighs and understands more, “And I did that to her when I was showing symptoms. So, you’re saying there’s no hope because Amber is determined not to be around someone like her mother again?”

“No, I’m not.” Carina mends before standing six feet away from him, “Listen your words are not enough you need to show her that this is not a checklist and she’s not a reward. She needs to know that your priorities have evolved and that you won’t hurt her or yourself when things don’t go your way. She needs to know that she can trust you again and that you won’t leave her again. If she sees that then maybe she can start to let you in and if not, then you keep prioritizing your mental health without her in your life.”

Andrew sighs and nods knowing his sister is right. If he really wants to start over with Amber, it has to start with him making it clear to her that he’s not gonna hurt her again. He also begins to understand more on why she is so reluctant to trust him again and resolves to finally fix what he broke.

An Hour Later

Amber exits the bathroom in the residents lounge ready to start her night shift when she finds Andrew DeLuca sitting at the table in the empty room clearly waiting for her. She is only mildly surprised as she had to know this was coming sooner or later. After they had sex she has been ignoring his calls and texts wanting some time alone to figure out what it meant to her.

She knows it meant that she was beginning to let him in slowly and seeing the progress that she’s made. But she knows it also meant she could open herself up to pain again. She knows he could slip and lash out at her again and make her go through this heartache that she has worked so hard to overcome. She also knows that not a day has gone by she hasn’t stopped wanting him close to her again like when she was in quarantine.

Amber tries to keep her face neutral as she goes to her cubby to collect her mask and face shield, “What are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you and see how you were doing.” Andrew explains standing up to stand six feet behind Amber who turns to face him after putting her things on, “I know it’s your first day back since quarantine and I wanted to make sure you were still okay. I mean you know how unpredictable this virus is.”

Amber nods, “Yeah, I do. I’ve been good, I’m showing no symptoms so that’s great. I’m staying at a hotel, so I don’t expose my roommates in case I get it again. I’m looking for a new place which is a challenge obviously.”

“Well, there’s no rush.” Andrew tells her, “I mean you don’t want to end up paying three years of your salary on a rundown shack with a goat yoga instructor for a roommate.”

Amber raises an eyebrow, “Goat yoga? That’s a thing?”

Andrew chuckles, “Yeah apparently it’s like regular yoga only you have a baby goat standing on your back, it’s supposed to be relaxing.”

“More like a PETA violation.” Amber retorts with a grin, “I mean yoga is hard enough for me with all of those stretches and I have to have five drinks in me just to tolerate it. No, a goat on my back that poor animal would end up in my slow cooker.”

Andrew laughs at that, “Yeah it would.”

Amber chuckles before grabbing her lab coat, “I gotta go I’m helping with discharges tonight, whether I’ll discharge more body bags than people I’ll let you know.” Amber moves around Andrew to leave the room.

Andrew gathers the courage before speaking up, “Amber wait.”

Amber stops in place and turns to face him, “What is it?”

“…I know your conflicted about what happened between us that night.” Amber inhales with her face contorting in uncomfortableness, “I know this because you haven’t responded to my calls or texts since you checked out.”

“Andrew-”

“Let me finish please.” Andrew pleads and Amber crosses her arms but stands there and listens, “…I know I ruined everything. And I know it isn’t just the mania that’s making it so hard for you to give me another chance. I know it was me leaving that hit the nail on the head. I let my illness hurt you like your mom and Aaron did to you. And I left you like your dad and Alex did too. I hurt you in a way that combined all the ways your family has hurt you and I am sorry.”

Amber looks down at her feet as she hears this apology that squeezes her heart, “I am sorry, and I know it took a lot for you to trust me and I know that trust I earned died in my apartment that night. I know that now. I screwed up and I pushed you away but that’s the old Andrew. The new Andrew is 100 percent transparent; the new Andrew is 100 percent committed to his mental wellbeing and he can prove it to you if you let him.”

“Are you talking in the third person?” Amber asks baffled.

“Yes. Andrew is because Andrew…” Andrew shakes his head continuing his speech in normal terms, “I love you, I’m in love with you, you’re the love of my life.” Amber sighs pressing her lips together at this confession that is pulling her strings.

“I promise you if you give me another chance, I will not waste it.” Andrew swears on the spot, “I will earn back your trust no matter how long it takes me because you are worth every effort. If you take me back, I’m not gonna run away again and I’m not gonna put my mania above our relationship again. I promise you that from now on I will be the person who mends your pain instead of adding it.”

Amber is touched by this promise, but she hides this behind her mask so as not to give Andrew false hope.

“But if you decide not to try to trust me again…” Andrew sighs but continues, “Then I’ll understand.” Amber inhales at this before turning to exit the room leaving Andrew hoping he made an impact on the woman he loves.

[bella-goths-wife]

“I’ll never leave you now” (18+)

Faith x reader

Warnings- wlw sex, cunnilingus, fingering, grinding, loss of virginity

You had gotten over your fever pretty quick after faiths care and attention. She stayed with you morning to night just looking after you.

You tried not to think about star, who tried to see you but you refused to talk to her and she was chased out by faith who didn’t ask questions. She knew your family was complicated.

Your fathers asked question but you just said that you had just gone for a walk and stayed in the rain for too long. They didn’t believe you but they knew better by now than to push you in case it ended with you in another depressive episode.

Now you were sat with faith on your bed as she laid in your lap and you stroked her hair gently while you read.

The time you spent with faith only increased your feelings for her and you internal battle still commenced.

You thought when you met James that had met ‘the one’ and that he was the love of your life but seeing him cheat broke something in you. You thought you wouldn’t love again.

Then you meet faith who brings out a different side to you. With James you felt safe and protected but with faith you felt the strong need to protect and keep her safe. She brought a sense of security and comfort with her.

The past months of constant contact and affection only increased those feelings and as she opened up more you felt yourself falling in love.

In a weird way you felt like you were betraying James. You thought you would spend the rest of your life with him but here you were with a girl who’s touch would light your skin ablaze

Your thoughts had stopped you from stroking faiths hair so she sat up and looked at you.

“Are you okay” she asks concerned and you shake yourself from your thoughts

“Yeah sorry” you apologised “I’m just thinking”

There’s a moment of silence between the two of you before faith sighs and looks at you with a strange look

“I think we should talk about the other night” she says carefully before grabbing your hand comfortingly “about what you said”

“I was just being stupid” you said embarrassed “ignore me”

“No honey it wasn’t stupid” she reassures “why are you afraid I’ll leave you?”

You stay in silence for a few moments before sighing and gathering some courage. It’s now or never

“I think I’m falling in love with you” you confessed while looking in faiths eyes. She looks at you with a stunned expression.

“What?” She asks but it comes out as more of a gasp

“I think I’m falling in love with you” you repeated before the embarrassment started to catch up with you “it’s okay if you don’t feel the same I understa-”

Your cut off by faith crashing her lips against yours. The kiss is tense for the first few seconds but you eventually melt into it and hold the back of faiths head gently. Your eyes close as you feel her lips move against yours before she pulls away suddenly

“So you like me back?” You ask shyly with blush coating your cheeks

“I have loved you since the minute you walked into my church” she says as she works in small pecks on your face “i will continue to love you until my dying days”

Your lost for words so your only reaction is to kiss her plump lips again. You work your lips against each other before she straddles your lap and she moves down to your neck.

You gasp softly as she lays hot kisses from your ear to your throat. The pressure changes as you put your hand on the back of her head and hold her to you.

She moves back to kissing you on your lips after a few minutes. The kiss is full of desperation and longing as her tongue invades you mouth and explores. You remain gentle despite the dampness in your underwear.

You go to remove your shirt and pull it over your head. As you do you reveal your black lacy bra that cups your breasts perfectly. Faith stares at you in pure admiration and lust.

“Before we continue” you cut her admiration short “are you sure you want to do this”

She nods her head excitedly and you smile before gripping her chin and bringing her face close

“I’m gonna need words sweetheart” you say against her lips before placing teasing kisses on the side of her mouth

“I want this” she consents “It’s just… I’ve never done this.. what If I’m not good?”

“I’ll guide you baby” you whisper reassurance “we can go your pace and if you want us to stop, we stop”

She answers by removing her top and kissing you once again while holding your neck. You move your hands to her waist and bring her closer before tracing one of her hands along her thigh.

She gasps softly and grips your shoulder which accidentally pushes you down on the bed so she’s straddling your waist. She yelps and you laugh

“Look who’s taking charge” you tease with a chuckle before noticing that the two of you we’re still semi clothed “why don’t we get these clothes off”

Faith nods and she removes her bra and skirt and you do the same, leaving the two of you in your panties. Faith stares in awe at your chest and quickly goes to her previous position of straddling your waist and attaches herself to your breasts.

You moan softly as you feel her mouth around your perk nipple as she softly licked it and rolled it between her lips. She looks up at you for approval and you moan out.

While faith works on your chest you notice the wet patch on her panties. You smirk before raising your leg to slot between her thighs and press against her cunt.

Faith yelps and looks at you before you bring your hands to her hips. You begin to move her against your leg and make her rub her sensitive clit against you. She lets out a satisfied moan as she clings to you to ground her while you bring her pleasure

“You like it baby” you ask with a smirk

“Yes” she moans out against your chest “please don’t stop”

“I won’t baby” you move her hips faster and she whimpers out in approval.

You move your mouth to her neck and give a teasing bite, not enough to break skin but enough to give a shock. She yelps out in surprise and weaves her hand through your hair.

“Oh god” she moans out as you speed up and use your tongue to soothe the bite you’d given “I’m gonna cum”

“Cum for me faith” you mumble out as your grip on her hips tightens as she bucks against you. You suck harshly on her neck and she gasps out a whimper.

Her hold on your hair tightens as her orgasm hits her. Her hips buck sporadically and she moans loudly while gripping you. A coat of sweat covers her as you let her ride out her high

When she recovers from her orgasm you peck her lips and you go to lay her down but she stops you.

“I want to touch you” she confesses

“You don’t have to y’know” you reassure “just because I did something to you doesn’t mean you have to do it for me”

“I want to” she reassured before moving her way down your body. She pulls down your panties and looks at you “what should I do”

“You lick baby” you instructs “give it a go and I’ll tell you if I like it”

She nods her head as she brings her self down to your sex. She lays her tongue flat and licks you from your hole to clit.

You gasp when she reaches your clit and you feel her smile. She then stops licking and begins to circle your clit with her tongue.

“Of fuck, yes that’s it” you moan out as your hand goes to her blonde locks and buries itself into them “good girl, just like that”

Faith whimpers softly at the praise and continues her action of drawing tight circles on your sensitive bundle of nerves.

“Try adding your f-fingers” you moan out the instructions and faith nods

You feel her fingers prod at your entrance and wince. She eventually understands and her long fingers enter your dripping hole.

You gasp at the length as she curls them inside of you and hits a special spot. Your hand in her hair tightens it’s grip as pleasure builds up inside of you.

Faith switches between sucking and licking your clit all while her hands move at a steady rhythm inside of you.

“Oh fuck, gonna cum” you moan out as it feels like your at the edge of a cliff and a slight breeze would knock you off at any moment.

Faith smirks and looks at you with eyes full of lust. She continues to pump her fingers in and out of you while she brings her head down to your thigh and gives it a gentle kiss before biting down.

You yelp as the pain only increases your pleasure and the coil on your stomach tightens and snaps. You feel white hot pleasure run through your veins as your vision goes white.

You buck against faiths face and she lets you ride out your orgasm. When you bring yourself down from your high, she moves up your body and lays a sweet kiss against your lips.

You taste yourself on her tongue and smirk against her plump lips. She pulls away and brings the covers over the two of you before burrowing herself in your arms.

“That was amazing” you praised and she beamed at you

“What does this make us?” She asks softly while drawing patterns on your waist with her fingers

“I think this would make you be my girlfriend” you look away embarrassed “only if you want to be of course”

“I’ve wanted that since I first saw you” she confesses “I just didn’t realise it”

You sigh in content as you relax with her in your arms and her breath hitting your neck. You wished you could stay in this moment for eternity, maybe you could.

“(Y/n)” faith says suddenly and you open your eyes to look at her

“Hm?” You hum out

Faith kisses you again gently while holding your cheek before pulling away and flashing you a content smile

“I’m never leaving you now” she says determined and you just chuckle at her antics and go back to laying with her.

Faith would never leave you, she might be the only one who wouldn’t leave you.

You love her.

Since I destroyed you with the Angst I thought I’d give you some fluff

Hope you enjoyed

Love ya ❤️

[danplansfwtickle-blog0]

Title: panic attack (aftermath)

Description: after coming home from a rather anxious meeting with some other online animators, hosuh finds himself completely drained from a panic attack that he had, but thankfully he has Stephen to be there for him.

Ler: Stephen

Lee: hosuh

(Platonic)

————————————————————————————————————

“How long has it been?” Jay asked, obviously concerned for his silver haired friend.

Daniel who was sitting across the table from jay, looked down at his watch and said: “almost three hours since he came back”

Stephen blinked, “seriously? That long? What the hell are we doing then just standing on the side while hosuh is just suffering under the influence of a…” Stephen lowered his voice to whisper, making sure hosuh didn’t hear. “Panic attack”

“Correction, he’s currently done and now recovering from his numbness from the..well you know, but yeah, I agree with Stephen, we should go and talk to hosuh, we are his friends after all” Jay stood up and was about to head over to hosuh, when Stephen put a hand on his shoulder.

“Actually…let me handle this. I am his closest friend and well, I think it would be better if just me and him were alone for this” Stephen reasoned, hoping Jay would get the message.

Jay thought for a moment, then nodded slightly, and looked over at Dan as Stephen went over to his bedroom door down the hall.

“I hope hosuh’s alright, what could have caused his distress?” Daniel said, rubbing the back of his head.

“I’m not sure, but as long as hosuh knows he’s safe around us and the environment, that’s all that matters right now” Jay replied.

Stephen lifted his hand to knock on the closed door, before hesitating. *the hell am I doing?! Hosuh is my friend! I’m supposed to help him!*

Stephen forced a gentle knock as he cleared his throat, trying his best not to seem like he was interrupting hosuh’s personal bubble. Stephen opened his mouth to speak: “Hosuh? Are you alright? We heard from a call earlier that…well, me and Jay and Dan just want to know if your alright”

Only silence met Stephen, giving him the idea that hosuh was in one of those moods when he was either sad, angry or feeling empty. *probably the last option knowing what happened, or rather I don’t in detail at least*

Stephen opened the door and closed it behind him, finding hosuh lying on the bed with his back to Stephen. Stephen walked over and sat down on the bed, seeing that hosuh was awake, just extremely stoic and his blue eyes seeming to dim from the lack of emotion he seemed to suppress under his anxiety if not this depressive episode. Stephen knew hosuh well enough to know he never suffered from serious depression or anxiety, so he, jay or Dan for that matter never knew what could have been the cause for his panic attack.

*maybe he was just overly stressed that he panicked over something? Perhaps it was from a phobia?* Stephen guessed, the gears in his head turning slowly.

“Wanna talk about what happened today?” Stephen asked, his voice low but full of interest and sincere concern.

Stephen is never this compassionate towards anyone, and never hosuh usually, but Stephen knew he wasn’t gonna let a rough day ruin hosuh like this, not when hosuh had never let him down all other times.

“You know I care right? Hosuh?”

Silence rained, as hosuh breathed in slow and exhaled in a way of answering Stephen but not n a helpful way however, he remained as lifeless as ever, slowly blinking. Hosuh was so out of it, he was so discontent he might as well looked disconnected from the world around him.

Stephen placed a hand on his shoulder, Stephen felt Hosuh jump a little from the contact. He still had a little life in him left, he just needed to find a way to make it rise.

“Remember how when we first became real friends, and that I would make you happy no matter what? Because I love you and all?” Stephen asked, getting hosuh’s eyes to look in his direction without moving his head. “I promised I would and well, I’m here to do whatever I can to make you happy again”

Hosuh started show a slightly irritated look and just pulled the covers over his head.

“Even if you try to run from it..” Stephen said with a small smile. “Now come on hosuh, where is the man that was always there for me when I needed him the most? Come on show yourself”

Hosuh remained still under the covers, but Stephen could sense that this could actually work.

“And who’s the friend that picked me up after I fell to the dirt?” Stephen playfully teased, placing the same hand from a minute ago over hosuh’s side, making hosuh freeze. “Come on where is he?~”

Stephen repositioned himself closer to hosuh’s and put both hands on hosuh, running them around his torso before finding his sides on top of the blanket. Hosuh seems to scoot away from Stephen a little.

“Now where is that I friend? I could really use a friend right now, a friend that is willing to give me a smile and something else that follows a smile perhaps?” Stephen gently squeezed hosuh’s sides, making him squirm already from the contact. “Come on, I still had not found that friend, now do I have to force him to come out of hiding? Or will he come out himself?”

Stephen started to carefully dig his digits into hosuh’s skin through the blanket, making small circles, giggling started to sound from under the covers.

“Ste-hehephen please-“ hosuh finally spoke under his breath through a fit of giggles.

Stephen started to poke randomly with one of his hands, the other still, making five small finger circles on hosuh’s side.

“Come on hosuh, gimme a laugh, come on, not that hard to laugh” Stephen teased, now stopping his actions to pull the blanket down to reveal a frowned scared hosuh. Stephen grinned like a wolf. “I see that blush on your face, you can’t fool me dude”

Hosuh hid his face with a pillow, refusing to smile or laugh.

“Well if your not gonna talk I guess I’ll have to force and answer out of you, are you satisfied and happy yet?”

Hosuh just grumbled an inaudible ‘nuh uh’ thought the pillow.

“What’s with the attitude man, where’s my happy optimistic friend?!” Stephen raised his voice in a manner as if he was playing. “Don’t tell me this shady hosuh is ticklish and I have to change him back”

That comment left hosuh blushing, to which Stephen could see a little behind the pillow and smirked wider with gratitude. Stephen started to attack hosuh’s sides with more aggression, push hosuh further. Hosuh was doing his best not to laugh, which was working so far, only small giggling and snorts would escape Hosuh, but it wasn’t enough for Stephen.

“Where is hosuh?! And what have you done with him!” Stephen said. “Hosuh can you hear me? I can still save you from this horrid nightmare you call an empty shell!”

This was getting deeper into hosuh and at any moment he was gonna break.

“Tell me this, is hosuh ticklish on his…ribs?!”

Hosuh was at the edge of breaking, Stephen tracing and digging his fingers in between his ribs was almost unbearable, he was squirming so much and could barely contain his laughter any more.

“Who’s my best friend? Come on hosuh~ say it~ you know you wanna~ who is my best friend? Are you satisfied?!” Stephen joked. “I need answers!”

Stephen started attacking his stomach.

“HAHAHAHAAHA!!!” Hosuh had finally broke, his stomach was not the most sensitive, but it was one he was more embarrassed of, to which he started blushing uncontrollably.

“Awwww~ there you are~” Stephen cooed, pulling hosuh close and in his lap, continuing his attack on his sides and ribs. “Look at you~ you look a lot better in a smile then a frown, I could do this all day if I wanted”

“NOHOHO PLEHEHEHEASE!” Hosuh started to squirm away but Stephen grabbed hosuh from behind and flung him back onto the bed.

“Nuh uh! You dont get to run from this, I’m not done with you mister” Stephen then used a hand to ruffle hosuh’s hair and the other to stroke behind his ear which he knew was gonna tickle, making hosuh giggle already. Stephen just started to laugh anyways since he found hosuh to amusing and adorable as friend to stop playing with him. “And this spot is a bit ticklish~ hehehehe”

Hosuh slapped stephens hands away, only for Stephen to go back to tickling his sides, squeezing rapidly and giving pressure through his fingers, Hosuh curled up and couldn’t help but say “Stehehephen! Stohohohop! I’m happy now I geheheehet it!”

Stephen pulled hosuh into hug, stopping his attack for a moment…but only for a moment. Hosuh smiled a bit, hugging back.

“Thanks for checking on me, I probably still would have been happy even if jay or dan came to help me, but I’m glad you did”

“Yeah? So you think jay or Dan would also be tickling you like this?” Stephen teased, see as red glow increase on hosuh’s face. “Hahahaaha! Just kidding, only Stephen can cheer Hosuh up that way”

“Uhhh no” Hosuh said, leaning back from Stephen.

“Uhhh yeah?” Stephen pushed on.

“No”

“Yes”

“No”

“Yes”

“No stephen doesn’t get to top anyone this time”

“Stephen does get to be the best, cause he is the best!” Stephen boasted.

Hosuh let out a snicker, as if mocking stephens efforts to be superior. He looked at hosuh looking confused and a little upset.

“You think that’s funny to you?” Stephen asked, trying to grab hosuh by an arm but hosuh instead got off the bed, only to be pulled back again.

Stephen layed on top of hosuh to keel him still, aside from his legs that started to squirm and kick. Hosuh was laying on his back.

“I’ll show you funny, you clearly need more optimism” Stephen said, both hands on hosuh’s sides again, slowly starting to wiggle his fingers.

“Wait! Stephen I already have a bunch of that! You already do your thing, you cheered me up!” Hosuh yelped, knowing that he can’t do anything with his free hands.

“Yeah? But then you decided to throw it back in my face after all a my hard work by snickering at my pride!” Stephen explained, sitting up and trapping hosuhs arms at his sides with his legs.

“Now enough chat, more laughter….” Stephen added, making hosuh giggle uncomfortably. “Here comes thhheeeee tiiickle monnnster~”

Stephen playfully teased in a drawn out tone. Hosuh started squirm, but he could barely move under Stephen’s weight. Stephen lifted hosuh’s shirt and started tracing a finger around his stomach. Stephen noticed at the corner of his eye that hosuh was trying his best not to smile again.

“Nope!” Stephen declared, immediately digging his hands into hosuh’s sides, making him howl with laughter. “Don’t go back to gloomy hosuh! We just fixed that!”

Stephen then leaned his head down and started to blow small raspberry’s into hosuh’s neck, forcing screeches and yelps of giggles from his timid silver haired friend. Hosuh had manage to wiggle free an arm and started to attack Stephen’s stomach which he had a perfect shot from, Stephen jumped and looked at hosuh suspiciously, grabbing his free arm and pinning it above his head.

“Do you really think you’re fucking funny?” Stephen asked, almost genuinely. “Cause fighting back only makes situations worse for you”

Stephen moved both arms above hosuh’s head and smirked evilly, placing all five fingers on his ribs. “Perhaps I should start from the top” Stephen then dragged his hand down and eventually reaching hosuh’s side again. “Then again how far down can I really go?”

Stephen scooted back a bit and started kneading his hands into hosuh’s waist.

“HAHAHAHAAHAHA! NOHOHO PLEEHEHEASE!” Hosuh begged, but Stephen ignored him this time.

“Oh? What’s wrong?” Stephen asked, moving on to the tiger side. “Does it tickle? Why are you laughing? I’m just trying to give you a message”

Stephen then moved over to his sides and ribs, moving them up and down.

“Oh look at all of these spiders just skittering your body like crazy, I think you like it though~ you keep blushing and if you have a failed effort to get out and run you just give in? How cute, you even tried fighting back, you have to personality of a puppy but can’t do anything back cause it’s helpless, hehe”

Stephen let go of hosuh’s arms and started using both arms to attack both ends of his ribs and sides, hosuh tried blocking or swiping stephens hands away, but nothing was working anymore.

“Just a few..more..seconds…” Stephen grunted, forcing more laughs out of hosuh before he finally stopped, for real this time, he got off of hosuh and stood by his bed side. Hosuh was breathing heavily. “Heh heh, I guess my work here is done, Ive officially-“

Stephen was suddenly hugged by hosuh from behind.

“Hehhehe, dork” Hosuh joked, hugging tight.

End.

[addictedtostorytelling]

Hi! Thank you for answering my questions! I am curiou, what is your favorite GSR season and why?

hi, @i-collect-things!

while my favorite csi season of overall is s7, my favorite gsr season fluctuates between being s2, which has some of the fluffiest, most delicious "i am so madly in love with you" shippy scenes between them of the whole series (plus a soupçon of angst, too), and s5, which is pretty much their watershed as a couple.

s2 contains many of my top favorite gsr scenes of all time:

the chalk scene from episode 02x05 "scuba doobie-doo"

the "that's you talking" scene from episode 02x12 "you've got male"

the email scene from episode 02x12 "you've got male"

the scene where grissom orders the green plant for sara in episode 02x15 "burden of proof"

the "since i met you" scene from episode 02x16 "primum non nocere"

the arm-in-arm scene from episode 02x21 "anatomy of a lye"

the "unbound" scene from episode 02x23 "the hunger artist"

the back half of the season in particular has a very rom-commy feel in the best kind of way possible. though sara is dating hank at the time, she and grissom nevertheless seem very connected to each other. he is so superlatively charming to her, while she is so receptive to him.

of course, i also love s5 gsr because of the storyline. after the long, depressing slog of s4, s5 is where the light starts to come back into the story.

i've had that part of the gsr narrative "under the microscope" for a while because it provides the temporal setting for my fic "something in you i believe in," and in looking at it up close, what i am really struck by is how grissom and sara repair their friendship throughout the beginning of the season before tipping the scales toward romance from episode 05x13 "nesting dolls" on.

i love watching grissom start to show up more and more for sara; to just be that steady, reliable presence in her life who checks in on her and cares about how she is doing and gives her unconditional love. i love that sara becomes so honest with grissom and supports him through the team split, quietly slipping into the role of his right hand and stalwart.

and episode 05x13 "nesting dolls" is such a turning point just in and of itself.

as i've written about here,

to me, gsr’s whole vegas relationship can be divided into the “b.n.d.” and “a.n.d.” eras—i.e., “before ‘nesting dolls’” and “after ‘nesting dolls.’” the shift that occurs in their interactions once grissom learns sara’s secret is just absolutely everything...

as i’ve written about here, after realizing in s4 that he still loves sara and always will and that he regrets his decision to live without her, this episode marks the place where grissom starts to understand that he cannot continue to compartmentalize his feelings for and relationship with sara without hurting her; he has to be emotionally transparent with her or risk losing her forever. 

—and that’s what episode 05x13 “nesting dolls” is all about.

everyone is saying that sara is trouble, but grissom realizes that she’s troubled, which is different. he’s never been able to stand seeing her sad, and he’s felt helpless for a long time to do anything on her behalf. he can’t afford to “play it safe” anymore; he has got figure out what’s going on in her head and in her heart, but in order to do that, he’ll have to show her what’s in his head and in his heart first.

so he goes to her apartment in this attitude of total openness. he makes it clear to her that he’s there not because he’s her supervisor and it’s his job to reprimand her after her outburst but because he cares about her deeply and personally and wants to help her however he can. his show of interest is what gets her to open up, as she finally realizes that what happens to her matters to him. the fact that he would come looking for her when everyone else told him to let her go helps her to trust him.

so she tells him her story, fearing the whole time she’s talking that once he knows what kind of home she came from and what kind of violence is “in her blood,” he’ll reject her.

but then he doesn’t reject her.

he holds her hand.

he looks at her in a way that says there is nothing about her he doesn’t love.

—and to me? that’s what opens the door for grissom and sara to eventually become intimate.

not everyone agrees on the timeline, but i personally get a lot of joy from watching the back half of s5 through the lens of grissom and sara becoming a couple sometime circa episodes 05x19 "4 x 4" and 05x20 "hollywood brass."

to me, there is a lot of delight in reading that kind of eager excitement toward them leading up to the season finale as new relationship "honeymoon" energy.

sara just seems so happy.

grissom just seems so at peace.

anyway, while i have a lot of favorite gsr moments throughout the original seasons of the show, those two seasons are the ones i find myself probably spending the most time with, albeit for somewhat different reasons.

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[septembersghost]

Hi! Sorry for bringing this up and I hope it's not triggering, I just keep thinking about these words you said: "{…}which has made my only recourse a wide chasm of separation, and that's a loss in its own sense. sometimes i think it's a relief to not allow it to take up as much space in my heart and mind, and other times i feel a stinging anger and deep, persistent grief that it had to come to that point. it's VERY hard to separate from something you love and are invested in that has also become a source of pain". The first time I read them, it made me cry. I sooo know the feeling. A small story again (and sorry for it being too personal), five years ago, when I was struggling with a particularly bad depression episode, Dean was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've done something very stupid, something… irreversible, but he saved me, single-handedly pulled me from the brink. He used to be my comfort ever since. Spn used to be my comfort. Seasons 13, 14, 15 especially and the finale brought that full-on depression and mental breakdowns back. It sucks and hurts that, as an act of self care and healing, we had to cut ties with the show. And that means, by a certain extent, to detach from Dean too :(( He's not part of the show for me or the part of the narrative, nor has he ever been, but even so, there is a level of distance and the connection I felt before is essentially lost now and things don't quite work the same way. I still love him, he is still my dearest boy, I still have his framed self-made portrait (which I drag with me wherever I go), but it's not what it used to be. There's a kind of detachment to it. I tried to rewatch spn a few months back, but I can't. And I wish I could say that it just was too painful and that's why, but no, what hurts even more is that I couldn't, didn't want to care or be invested anymore. I used to care so much. And now it's just… this hollow emptiness, this indifference. It's like what Mike in BCS said, one moment you're gonna wake up, you're gonna brush your teeth, go to work, and then you'll realize you haven't thought about it at all. One evening last year I realized that I haven't thought about spn for a long, long time. Then I burst into tears because it felt like saying goodbye, really saying goodbye this time, and it hurt, and I didn't want that, but I don't know what else could I have done rather then complete separation. There's a line from a song that stuck with me forever. "I'm writing a book on how to stay conscious when you drown {…}/ I'm writing a chapter on what to do after they dig you up/ On what to do after you grew to hate what you used to love". It's SO indicative of my (former) "relationship" with spn (the whole song is, given that it's unironically called How Not to Drown), and your words reminded me of that . It's just… I understand you and I love you ♥ You're the only person I can safely talk to about those things. I wish I could give you a hug right now :(

never be sorry, darling, and i hope you don't mind me posting this. i have a lot of emotional posts and very personal stories linked to this, so you've come to the right place and are definitely not alone.

Dean was there for me. If it wasn't for him, I know I would've done something very stupid, something… irreversible, but he saved me, single-handedly pulled me from the brink. <- anyone who's been here since the end of 2020 and well into 2021 is probably tired of me discussing this, but...same. dean was with me from the very onset of my illness, and through some very dark times and terrible moments, real traumas and losses and grief. he was one of my closest constants and a talisman of bravery and strength for those fifteen years, and i can pinpoint some specifically difficult moments where he helped me hold on, or gave me a reason to remember i had to. i've discussed this endlessly with other mutuals too, who felt similarly and turned to spn for comfort - it is not, at its core, a comforting story, it's in fact quite often the opposite, something that unearths fears and directly examines wounds, but a lot of us found a home there anyway, even if it was a haunted one. and we found resilience and courage and an unfailingly loving heart. it's not a secret i despise d*bb era overall, but i could never give the show up, because of him. it's also not a secret (considering it's...why this blog exists...) that the finale drove me to some measure of an emotional breakdown which took me quite a while to even begin to recover from, and felt like such a profound loss that it had not only a detrimental mental effect, but a physical one too, in that it actually affected my illness issues for a bit. the fracture i experienced in november 2020 is only comparable to real grief and heartbreak i've experienced, my mom watched me weep that night and has told me how terrible it was for *her*. i've been over and over it in posts, i've been over and over it with friends, but the ache never actually goes away. once that full year had passed, i got the point where i had no choice but to bury it, in a way. to separate from it in order to protect myself. there certainly IS a level of healing and self-care in that, and i KNOW it's healthier than obsessing and crying about it, i know it's better to put it aside, but that in itself has been a hard choice, because it feels a little like letting him down in letting it go.

that means, by a certain extent, to detach from Dean too :(( He's not part of the show for me or the part of the narrative, nor has he ever been, but even so, there is a level of distance and the connection I felt before is essentially lost now and things don't quite work the same way. I still love him, he is still my dearest boy - honestly, did you extract this directly from my brain? it feels like i could've written it, and there definitely is a transcendence he has apart from the narrative, it was one of the first things i tried to assert and cling to, and no one has the place he has to me in that chamber of my heart, but ultimately the detachment still came. i've had people say that's letting d*bb win or giving the ending too much credit, and i did try to defy that for a while, but ultimately that was more damaging. as it stands now, i can't rewatch either - traditionally, i ALWAYS watch the pilot on my birthday, since it's also the show's anniversary. year after year, that was a part of my day, even last year. i planned to do it this year too, and when it came down to it, i just couldn't press play. last year, when i was still rewatching (i got to 11x01 and then...the comment we talked about before happened and it halted me so abruptly and dreadfully in my tracks, and like, fractured something in my head, and i never restarted it), there was an acute and constant pain in it, but it felt essential to keep. after releasing that somewhat, it was chased by those hollows and shadows instead. what hurts even more is that I couldn't, didn't want to care or be invested anymore. I used to care so much. And now it's just… this hollow emptiness, this indifference. this, so much. the indifference is...it isn't necessarily worse than being angered or agonized, but it's still terrible and unsettling. it's a lack of something. love and grief are intertwined, but what do you call it when you only have a rattling emptiness?

it's serendipitous you would send this today, because on the song topic, i was looking for something else altogether on my old-old blog, my very first blog here, and exactly ten years ago, on september 27, 2012, i rewrote the lyrics from "begin again" to be about him. it sounds silly now, red wasn't even out yet, the song was released as a promo single, and it was so beautiful and cathartic, and somehow i connected it to him, and his meaning, and to hopes that i had. being reminded of that today probably should've been more shattering, but instead it just felt...distant and memorialized. thinkin' all love ever does is break, and burn, and end...like the emotions encased themselves in amber. at some point, it became it's time to go - fifteen years, fifteen million tears...that old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in my soul. sometimes it still does creep up on me and knock me back, but more often there's a terrible numbness to it. it felt like saying goodbye, really saying goodbye this time, and it hurt, and I didn't want that, but I don't know what else could I have done rather then complete separation. yeah. the separation is protective, but it's still a real sorrow and a loss. i'm trying to believe someday it will shift, and something warmer and brighter in it will come back to me, but even if it doesn't, i know all the words that i wrote and love that i expressed was true and still has worth and still resides in me, even if i have to keep it differently.

there are reminders of him around me - the journal on my desk, his little plush, etc - and that's meaningful, i'm glad i have them, and i keep him and the valuable parts of the show embedded here on my blog to prevent losing that altogether, but it's like there's a mourning veil around it.

thank you for sharing and feeling safe enough to tell me this, i understand more than i can say and i love you too. i'm hugging you so tightly from afar. 🖤🖤🖤

[1d1195]

Okay part two of my ramble lol

(Tw! This is a bit sad so please do NOT feel obligated to read it all or feel obligated to respond at all!)

So I didn’t intentionally mean to be gone that long! But I’ve actually have had a horrible past week or two. I’ve mentioned before I’ve always struggled with mental health from a young age and like I have MDD so to sum it all up I go through depressive episodes quite a bit. I’ve gotten better over the years but sometimes when they hit, they really HIT. So this one was kinda crazy since nothing in particular triggered anything. But it did send me into a spiral that led to some not pleasant thoughts(don’t worry I’m safe and was safe in the moment!) it was really hard. So there was a lot of crying, not sleeping, and eating. Didn’t even have the energy to do anything really, just was so emotionally and mentally drained.

Okay-ish now though! Still pretty exhausted but now I can actually be productive. Got out today to chop all my hair off! Had to go bc I simply cannot afford the late cancellation fee lol my new hair cut is giving Dora for sure but I was SO over having long hair!

Anyways, I also read your post :( I’m so sorry you’re feeling a similar way :( it no joke when feeling like this! I wish you didn’t have to feel like this at all! But I’m glad that you felt comfortable enough to share it. Keeping it all in isn’t always the best and I’m glad that you found a safe place to express it! It takes a-lot to even share so you should feel proud of it! Hope that this soon passes because it can be so exhausting and frustrating. Doing things that make you happy is always great! And I’m glad you had enough energy to read your books! Putting yourself first is a must! Sending you the biggest hug and all the love! Know that you are truly never alone in this ever! I love you so so much. You’re the absolute loviest! Hope you’ll feel better soon my love!-💜

I kind of figured you were having a rough week 💔 I really almost posted a "💜--hope you're doing okay" post because I was realized "Oh no, she hasn't been on in a while." I'm extremely glad you're safe 💕 I'm so sorry you were so down and drained. That's not a fun way to spend any time but certainly not (what I assume is) the last couple weeks of your summer classes :(

I LOVE A HAIR CHOP. Chop off the bad emotions and whatnot (that's lame, sorry, but you'll know what I mean) I can't imagine how exhausted you are. I hope you're sleeping and staying hydrated and you get to do something relaxing/fun for your wellbeing. I LOVE the idea of Dora. I'm sure it's adorable 😊

I feel like I hit a new low last week. Idk what was wrong with me (well I do, but it's a lot of the same stuff I always complain about so I won't bore you with it again) Idk. I'm doing better literally right this second. I read my trashy romance books (in the sports romances: book 3 is a baseball man; a single dad and he falls in love with the nanny HARD--I've been dying to read it but I was waiting until I finished writing Honey so I wouldn't accidentally copy anything, lol. Fortunately I don't think there are many, if any similarities other than nanny and rich people vibes)

I LOVE YOU SO SO MUCH. I wish I could see a blog of all the people telling you how wonderful and talented you are because I'm sure it would be like 3 times bigger than mine 😭 you deserve so much happiness and love and everything 💕💕

xoxo

[magnetengineer]

Anyways I was 'liveblogging' watching BoJack for the first time but stopped since I got depressed as hell

*not actual depression sorry

*tell me "I'm sorry about that, you deserve better"

I still collected my thoughts in my note app so I'll dump them all at once

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BJH Season 3, the most whimsical episode soon followed by the most blursed one (the abortion one)

Better than S2 and S1 ✨

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Don't Stop Dancing isn't a real song, it's something BoJack's mind made up.

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BoJack's out-of-body experience (The View From Halfway Down) had him seeing dead friends and relatives… except for the cardinal, who wasn't welcome there. They were trying to chase her out, while she apparently wanted to stay.

And for what? That place was for the dead and the dying. Was she there by accident, and didn't realize the meaning of it? Was she there on purpose, but felt safe anyway? And if she was feeling safe, was her "safety" 1) returning to life, 2) surrendering to death, 3) either, or 4) neither?

And later, she appeared to try to stop Death (blocks the door against the black tar), but turns out she's been gone even before that…? She still appears to try to escape through the kitchen window, only to melt away

✨ Fun speculation while considering her being a real person ofc. The alternative is me pulling out the Occam's razor, and considering her a hallucination with little meaning.

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Random things I wanted in BoJack but didn't get (to my knowledge):

• Turns out Vincent Adultman is genuinely an adult. It's just. Seems like a perfectly good progression for the joke.

• When Mr. Witherspoon "croaked", this wasn't Charley's pun—he literally just croaked, being the frog he is, and is still alive.

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BoJack's couples with biological children have only been human x human, anthro x human, and same-anthro x same-anthro. Never different-anthro x different-anthro—though we almost got that with Princess Caro. The Charlotte x BoJack dream almost counts

…Since I was wondering whether different-anthro x different-anthro would make mixed children species

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The Old Sugarman Place/I Will Always Think Of You—

"I've never seen so much compassion directed towards a grieving mother and a widower."

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Anyways my three favorite episodes will have to be the abortion one, the grief one, and the mortality one

[butterflyintochains]

From Me To You

In which two lovers write letters to each other in the chaos of their daily lives. Once friends, then boyfriend and girlfriend, now husband and wife. But, always in love with each other, and the life they're building together.

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Mon Amour,

Life has a funny way of helping you ignore the obvious, doesn't it? It feels as if the more you look for the one you need in life, the further away you get from that person. The more you avoid admitting it to yourself, the more obvious it becomes. Or so I have figured out the hard way, for years of dismissing this as just my first crush on someone, I think I know now.

I think it was that one weekend in Barcelona for me, the first time in my life that I knew what love meant. Seeing you out there, doing what you do best (aside from making the best waffles known to humanity), up on that top step with that trophy in your hands. I finally, after far too long of denying it, allowed the realization to wash through me.

Then, in Sao Paolo, you were the only person to keep me sane that long weekend. Across an ocean from my friends, bored out of my mind, and going through a depressive episode. You made me smile, stuck by my side, made sure I felt wanted there. You gave me quite the scare that weekend in the rain, but I cannot thank you enough for being there for me after a rough weekend.

I don't think you realise quite how amazing you are, amour. Not in the obvious sense, but when the long weekends are over. When you listen to me rant about work, snuggle with me in our bed when I'm not feeling well, hold me up when I need strength. When you encourage me to take time to myself, ask for my thoughts on things I admittedly know far less than you about - just to make me feel included. You listen to me, you understand me. You let me vent my worries, fears, secrets, safe in the confines of our bedroom.

That, I think, is why I love you so much, why that sixteen year old girl fell head first for you in Barcelona in 2016. You make me feel safe, you make me feel wanted. I've always been the quiet one of my family, the one hidden from the spotlight. But, when we're together, I feel wanted. You know I've never dealt with the circus of our world as well as everyone else, but your eyes and hands always help anchor me to the world, quieting the noise, shutting out the chaos. I feel safe with you, amour, and I hope you feel safe with me.

But, I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear for you on those long weekends, as that one day in England can attest. In that painfully long moment, I though that I had lost the man I'd loved since I knew what love was. But, here you are, you're still with me! And, I pray to God before all of our weekends that you make it back to me, and you always do! Before the others do most of the time.

I tried to shut the obvious out, first with Christophe, then with Joseph. Neither worked, and until Barcelona 2020, I had no idea why. My answer whisked me away for a secret picnic that night, and we've never looked back since.

Who knew all the man I'd ever need was the same lanky teenager my brother hated so much growing up? I often wonder while I work what that sixteen year old would think of where she is now at 24, settled down and living a beautiful life, and married to the boy on that top step. She'd probably think I was crazy, that this entire thing was scripted. To be completely honest, there are days I still don't quite believe we're actually here.

I know our world is weird, amour, I have since I was sixteen. But, I'm glad you have found refuge in me these last few years, I'm glad you chose me, and I'm glad I chose you.

I love you, more than you'll probably ever know. From Barcelona 2016, that has only grown, and I am the happiest woman in the world because of you.

Yours in eternal love - J.

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Mijn Schatje

You're sleeping next to me as I write this, and that is something I so wish my teenage self could see for himself, because he'd probably be beside himself. That the girl he fell in love with in Spain on the first real weekend of his career, is now his wife. That she is the best thing that's ever happened to him. He already knows he'd burn the world for her, that she is his soulmate.

You know that I didn't have the most normal childhood, and that my father wasn't a particularly kind man to me and others. You've always known, before even I knew, that the way I was raised wasn't right, that it was cruel, that I deserved better from him. I think you first had me when you told my father off that day in Monaco in 2016, and we went for smoothies. That day meant the world to me.

Then, that God-awful show came out about myself and the others, and our long weekends around the world. Painting me as some kind of Disney villain for just existing in the space I did. I remember sitting on that sofa, tears falling unbidden, feeling so... used. I know it shouldn't have bothered me, but it did. Then, you stormed in from the kitchen, and turned the TV off when I couldn't.

You, schatje, are simply the loveliest person in this world, inside and out. I so wish you could see yourself through my eyes, see the you that I love so dearly. I wish you could see the strong, beautiful, intelligent, patient, and determined woman I married. You are the single most important person in my world. You stick up for me when I can't do it myself, you let me be my real self, and expect no act for the world from me. You know me, you see me, you care about me. You let me relax, you stay up listening to my worries.

When I think of why that eighteen year old boy in Barcelona fell for you, that's what I think of first. Your convictions, your loyalty to those you love. Everyone in my life, even my own father, has expected things of me, wanted to make me into their project, no matter how I felt about it. You cut through that, to the me inside, to the man who loves you. Others see me as rude, brash, difficult to control, and sometimes I am. But, one touch of your hand, or hearing your voice always brings me home.

I know you worry, I know how scared you get sometimes during our long weekends around the world. I know you barely sleep the night before sometimes, and always fret over me just after my work is done. And, I understand. That's partly why I work so hard on those weekends, to get back to you before the worry builds up too much, it pains me to see you scared, like that terrible day in England.

You've always been there, schatje, your place in my heart set since 2016. I tried to distract myself from the ache of it with Emma, that girl from home my sister set me up with. It didn't work, it only made it all the more obvious that you are my one and only.

It all felt so forbidden when we did get together, dating my biggest rival's younger sister. But, all I know is that I wasn't marrying anyone else, no matter what other women put themselves in front of me - and you know many have tried. There's only one woman on this earth I want, and I am endlessly thankful for you, and for the life we're building together. I sometimes have to pinch myself at it all, that this is real, that I didn't fall asleep in 2016 and dream all this.

In the strange world we exist in, our love is my inspiration to keep going, to fight on. When I leave for those long weekends, some of which you can't come with me for, I'm fighting for us.

I love you so much, the 26 year old who you married and the 18 year old in Barcelona that year are of one mind on that. I love you, and I am so proud to be your husband.

Yours forever and on - M.

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Mon amour

I saw this thing online about writing a letter about the five qualities you fell in love with your partner over, five things that make your partner who they are to you. So, here's my attempt!

Passion - this one is probably the most obvious one, but it truly is the first thing I think of when I think of you. Your unending passion for what you do, that love of your job even though you've done all you've ever wanted to do. your passion for the people in your life, and the love you have for me. That love that has made me feel so special for the first time in my life.

Determination - not everyone can do what you've done, not even someone I grew up with. I've always been in awe of how stubborn you are, and the insatiable desire to be the best you have. So many people in your shoes would relax, get complacent, and check out. Not you, you've taken on all the challenges you've faced, and only come out of them stronger for it.

Calmness - might seem ironic, but you are the most calm under stress person I've ever known. You know how worked up I can get over things, how anxious and stressed I get on my bad days. And, you're always there to help keep me calm, you are my port in a storm, helping me navigate my own anxieties. I know the storm going on within you, better than most, but you are such a calming presence.

Thoughtfulness - acts of service are definitely your love language, amour. I am always in awe of you going above and beyond for the people you love most, and I am so proud that I'm included in that circle. So many in your position would only care for themselves, but I'll never forget the day I moved in with you, and you already had a spare room set up for me to work out of, set up how I'd like it.

Sensitivity - in the cutthroat world you exist in, it would be so easy for you to just shut down all of your emotions for fear of them being used against you, and no one would begrudge you that. But, you are the most gentle, caring, and loving people I have ever known. So many men are so scared of themselves, so terrified to be open with their partners, and I feel so blessed that you feel safe to be open with me.

You are the most wonderful person I've ever known, amour, sometimes I wish that you could see the same you that I see. Sometimes I wish everyone else could too. But, where would the fun be in that?

Yours in endless love - J.

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Mijn Schatje

Before the chaos begins, and I'm back into my long weekends away from you until later in the spring, I wanted to do something for you. I wanted to tell you my five favourite memories of us.

Brazil 2016 - I know that weekend was rough for you, schatje, and I hate that you have to go through all that when the monster in your head shows its ugly face. But, spending that rainy sunday after that hectic saturday, watching movies with you, and just making sure you weren't lonely is a memory of mine that I still cherish now. It hurt me to see you depressed, and I hope I provided some light for you.

Spain 2020 - I think you know what I'm referencing here, right? Of all the things that weekend, that was the thing I was most scared of, our secret picnic under the stars of Barcelona. The first real time alone together we had ever gotten, and we sure have made that first date count, haven't we? I was so nervous about it, I think I stood outside your door for five minutes trying to find the words to ask you out.

Monaco 2021 - Most of our big memories seem to center around our long weekends, don't they? Really, though, that entire week was just simply lovely, asking you to move in with me while we were in Emilia-Romagna was one of the easiest decisions I've ever made. And, taking that week to get you all moved in and settled before my work called me made for one of the best weeks of my life with you.

Austria 2022 - Our skiiing trip to Innsbruck during that winter break. I always knew that I was going to propose to you at some point, and had the ring since well before our trip. I just didn't know when or how I wanted to do it, but that evening by the fire with our hot chocolates, the snow falling outside. You looked so beautiful, and that's when I knew how I wanted to do it, and I'm still so happy you said yes.

Monaco 2023 - This one matters most to me, and always will. Summer break of this past year, no long weekends away from home, no obligations that we couldn't handle quickly. Us, and those we love the most, in the botanical gardens here in Monaco. Me, in my white tux, and you in the most beautiful wedding gown ever (that you made yourself!), becoming one at long last. Our perfect wedding.

It doesn't often hit me just how long we've known each other, and all the memories we've already made together. And all the memories we still have ahead of us. I could have gone on forever, but these five always stick out the most.

In eternal love for you - M.

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Mon amour

I'm writing this as you sleep next to me, your last day before jetting off for another long weekend right on the horizon. I've told you the good news about what's to come in august for us, and I could not be happier in life right now. But, given how terrible your so-called father was to you, I think you need some assurances from the woman who loves you most in this world. Because I know what you've been thinking about, and this is quite sudden given that we've not even been married for a year yet.

I love you, amour, more than anything in this world. Since I knew what love meant, and so will these two inside me right now. Our twins will love you too, they'll know what a wonderful, kind, intelligent, and passionate - if stubborn - man their father is. They'll be the luckiest babies in this world to have you as their dad, and I believe they already do love you. It's kind of hard not to, after all.

And, you are not going to be him, amour, you won't treat our children as projects, force them to do things they're uncomfortable with, or leave them at petrol stations for not doing good enough at something. You, my lion, are going to be the most amazing dad to these two babies. You know how I know that? You're scared of being a bad father, bad parents never worry, they always think they're right all the time. Just by worrying alone, you're doing better than your father did by you.

I love you, my lion, so will our twins come august.

With all my love, and good luck in Bahrain - J.

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Mijn schatje.

God, I hate this part of the year so much, I hate having to leave you in Europe while I'm in the Middle East. It's not fair, it's not right, and it fucking sucks. Especially now, with our cubs on the way. I have come around to twins, and looking at your belly, I'm thinking you're onto something. I know this is unexpected, and happened really quickly too. But, I'm so incredibly happy right now that I can't find it in myself to panic about it yet. However, I know how your mind works, I know about the anxieties you have. So, just let me tell you this.

I love you so much it hurts, schatje, I never knew I could feel this much for someone, not in my wildest dreams. But, you've released this knot in my chest that had been there since my early teenage years. You are the best person in this world, so brave to start a business with your best friend at just 21 years old. Our twins must already love you, and know how amazing you are.

You are going to be a fantastic mother, schatje, I know it. You are your maman's daughter, these two babies will know nothing but love, light, happiness, and support for their entire lives. Never having to worry about anything, and knowing they can come to both of us if they need support in anything. They'll have a mum who loves them, values them, and listens to them when they need her. Our cubs will be able to look to us for unconditional love, and we will be their strongest advocates. You are going to be the best mother ever.

I adore you, my angel, and so will our cubs come summer.

With everlasting devotion to our family - M.

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A/N: just experimenting with something here, writing a story without using names of characters involved. Though, I wonder if anyone can guess who I'm hinting at here 😉

Hint: it's not anyone I've written for before, at least not on here anyway.

Edit: Added tags, first foray, so be nice!

[nerdlebirdle]

TW: low self esteem, depression, spiralling thoughts, toxic relationship mentioned

Random words cause i dont know who to talk to without feeling like a burden to irl friends so im putting it on the internet and idk if i'll even post it. i just want to compile my thoughts.

Im currently going through a depressive episode and got hit with bad news and work has been pissing me off. All negative emotions.

I told my boyfriend about it and just broke down in tears while we were cuddling in bed. Told him about the bad news, how i felt regarding bad news, that on top of being pissed because of work and bad news i have this depressive episode that i have been trying to stave off but cant. I cant run away from depressive episodes that long.

And he just... he held me and hugged me and reassured me im not a horrible person? And that he just felt bad that he didnt know how much i hide emotion wise???

And im laying there going "no its okay. I dont want to be a burden so i hide it. Its second nature" which yes it is, its a defense mechanism i have been using since i was little to avoid feeling like a burden and other horrible thinking i have of myself. (This is NOT a good defense mechanism, i know but im working on it.)

He just "youre not a burden" and when i apologized for bringing the mood down he said "its okay im glad you told me." And i... 😭😭 im emotional

He is so supportive and understanding and patient and kind. This is my first healthy relationship and its throwing me for a GIANT loop.

My ex literally hated hearing about my problems and would spin it to be about him. And when i didnt talk to him, he would get upset i wouldnt talk to him.

And now im in a relationship that not only is he always listening, he's reassuring me of everything im insecure about.

Telling me i am enough. Im not a burden. I can talk to him. Hes happy that i feel safe enough to talk to him about this stuff on MY OWN TIME. Like he doesnt expect to hear about it all the time or all at once but when i do talk about it he doesnt stop me. He doesnt get upset. He listens and he does everything he can to comfort me???? To reassure me its okay to feel like this and that im doing me best??? That im a strong person????

Its so utterly wild to me but it's so nice.

I never thought i would get something like this in my life. I didnt think i deserved it and sometimes i still feel like this. (Im working on it) but its the little things that my boyfriend does that just... i feel loved. I feel special. I feel important. And he just does so much and i dont know if he realizes how much he does with these little gestures.

I have not been one to talk about stuff like this to people. This leads back to my defense mechanism and keeping myself safe. But with him i feel safe, that i can talk to him and not feel judged.

HELL HE TOLD ME "i wont judge you. I will be here for you" 😭😭😭

Everything he has done in the 2 months we have been dating has been more than my ex did in 7 years. More than anyone else has in my entire life.

I know i have good friends that have been with me for years but nothing compares to how my boyfriend makes me feel.

Its throwing me for a loop because i havent had a healthy relationship before this one. I still struggle with my depression. But i know i can go to him if i need to talk to someone or even to just sit with. And that alone is a thought that helps me a ton.

My depression wont ever fully go away but it doesnt feel entirely lonely anymore. Yes the spiralling thoughts keep coming and going and sometimes i do convince myself that i went to far and let out too much emotion/information. But i know he has my back. That alone is such a helpful thing that sits in my head.

And its just so nice to have that.

I hope you all have someone like that. If you dont, please dont lose hope. You will find someone. Just hang in there. I may not know you, but i care about you. You are not alone. I know its tough. I know its hard. I have been in your position many a times. Hang in there. You are doing your best even if it doesnt feel like it. You got this. One step at a time. And no matter how small a step you take, its still progress.