#this was certainly something

[umbry-fic]

A Survey from the Goddess

Summary:

Congratulations!

You have been chosen to partake in a survey from the Goddess.

For seven days starting from tomorrow, an angel shall accompany you, asking you a question per day.

Please think carefully about your answers - there is much the Goddess does not know.

Fandom: Tales of Symphonia

Characters: Lloyd Irving, Colette Brunel

Relationships: Colette Brunel/Lloyd Irving

Rating: G

Word Count: 9018

Mirror Link: AO3

Original Post Date: 14/06/2024

Notes:

A modern AU which started as a crack fic and gained a plot by the end :) Original concept from A Survey From God by rerulili!

~~~

DAY 0

"What in the...?" Lloyd stared at the card that had been slotted between two mundane letters. It was surprisingly fancy, the material sturdy and staying firm beneath his fingers as his thumb swiped across its texture. There was a golden seal stamped on the front, tickling at a long-buried memory at the back of his mind. Were those wings?

“How in the world did Zelos get into my mail?” he muttered, furrowing his brow as he flipped it over and found that the other side spouted nonsense. This had to be a prank. There was no other explanation, but this was a lot of effort to go to for a simple prank.

Tossing the card onto a corner of the tiny dining table in his dim dorm room, he pushed it out of his mind, opting to return to his bedroom and catch up on some assignments before the start of summer proper.

DAY 1

Massaging his temples as he stepped out of the dingy lift that groaned behind him, he headed towards the door to his room. It was late enough that he was the only one shambling down the corridor, though most of the doors he passed still had light spilling out from beneath them, revealing that most of his dorm mates were still up, burning the midnight oil in this city that never slept.

Hopefully he could stave off the pending headache. Zelos had been a pain for the entire evening, refusing to admit any part he had to play in breaking into the dorm’s mailbox and claiming that was impossible. Then he proceeded to get drunker and drunker, leaving Lloyd to deal with his increasingly insane antics while Sheena laughed at his expense and didn’t lift a finger to help. Tonight's only saving grace was Sheena being the one to take Zelos home. If he’d had to do it he might have murdered his friend on the way, fed up with his laments on the woes of love. Knowing his luck, he'd have been haunted by Zelos' annoying ghost for the rest of his life, nothing able to shut him up.

Fumbling with his keys and being very grateful that he’d decided to stop drinking once Zelos had started clinging to him like a particularly depressed koala, he swung open the front door.

And froze with one foot in the room, eyes widening as he stared at the tiny attached balcony. Most nights it was empty, not a soul occupying it. On other nights, when he failed to find the solace of sleep, he might spend an hour or two sitting there, shoulders hunched as he stared out at the city skyline, hoping the chilly night air would clear his head. Tonight, however, there was someone already there, another soul encroaching in his residence.

“Oh, you’re here!” A girl with hair like spun gold clapped her hands together, blue eyes sparkling. “We can finally get started!”

Slam.

At some point, he’d managed to get his whole body into the room and closed the door behind him, but even the deafening banging sound didn’t dispel the image before him. There was still a girl that he had never met before in his life standing on his balcony, her unearthly beauty illuminated by the countless lights of this sleepless city.

Neither was it making the wings that extended from her back, covered in feathers that ruffled in the slight breeze and bathed in soft shadows, vanish from sight.

Darkness was beginning to creep into the corner of his vision as he continued to stare, unable to tear his gaze away.

Alright. So maybe he’d had more to drink than he’d thought. Maybe both he and Zelos were passed out cold and Sheena would kill them tomorrow morning after giving them a rude awakening.

“Here’s the first question: do you like animals?” she asked cheerfully, oblivious to the thoughts that were rattling around in his head at top speed and crashing uselessly into each other.

“Yes,” he answered faintly, before crumpling to the floor.

DAY 2

Consciousness came to him slowly, in bits and pieces, his surroundings constructing themselves around him as his senses came back to life. A familiar melody floated through the air, hummed softly by a gentle voice that tugged at the strings of his heart. His head rested against a comfortable surface, and there was a hand running through his hair, soothing his anxious heart as the faint scent of spring embraced him.

He didn’t feel like waking up, not while he rested so peacefully, the nightmare that was last night having passed. But a persistent feeling that something was wrong hounded him. Sheena wouldn't let him sleep in - she'd have murdered him if he didn't wake up to help her with breakfast, most likely with a pillow to the head with all of her strength funnelled into her arms. And she certainly never hummed.

He opened his eyes.

Periwinkle blue eyes blinked innocently down at him, a hand stilling in his hair. “Good morning,” the girl from yesterday whispered, her golden hair falling around his face, almost close enough to tickle his skin, forming a veil that shielded him from the first rays of the morning sun.

He would forever deny the screech that left his throat at that moment as he scrambled out of her lap, moving so abruptly that he slammed his head against the wall. Slumping with a groan, he rubbed the patch of skin that would most certainly bruise in a few hours, squinting at the intruder.

Did alcoholic delusions last till the next morning? Or had he finally snapped, losing the battle against the many stresses of university?

“Are you alright?”

“W - who are you?” he croaked in a wholly unflattering voice, his throat terribly dry as he tried to inch further away. It would've been a relief to declare her wings nothing more than a tacky Halloween prop, but one glance at them was enough to dispel that notion - they shifted together with her in a way that couldn't be described as anything but alive, flapping anxiously and causing feathers to peel off and flutter through the air in a shower of white.

“Did you not get the letter? I’m your assigned messenger from the Goddess, here to give you the survey!” Her wings drooped, lips drawing into a disappointed pout.

“A… a letter?” And a survey? This was one of the most absurd things he had ever heard! (Why did it ring a bell? And why did she seem so strangely familiar?)

“Wait. This thing?” he yelped, grabbing the forgotten card still balancing on the edge of the dining table. Its vibrant colours had not faded over the span of two days, still giving off the same sense of grand decorum.

“Yes!” She perked up again, nodding enthusiastically. “I’m glad to see it reached you. This is my first time doing this, and I already arrived late yesterday, so I thought I might have forgotten to send it.”

“You mean Zelos really wasn’t lying?” he whispered in mounting horror, rising in his throat. That meant all of this was real, somehow. Which meant that angels were real, which would mean -

He pushed himself to his feet abruptly, refusing to let that train of thought run any further, knowing it would only result in a cataclysmic crash. “It’s too early in the morning to deal with this. I’m going to make some breakfast.”

~~~

“Oh, you didn’t have to. I don’t need to eat!” The girl protested as he slid a plate of toast in front of her, even as she stared at the food with the expression of someone who had been starved for days, eyes sparkling like she was looking at the world's greatest delicacy.

“Just take it,” he grumbled, settling down with his own plate of charred toast, the black bits flaking off. It had been his standard breakfast fare ever since he'd started living here in this dorm alone. Not particularly appetizing, but good enough to propel him through the day.

“Thank you so much!” She proceeded to scarf it down like she was a famished wolf, and he couldn't help but raise an eyebrow.

“So, you're really a…” He gave her a once-over, taking in her attire. At first glance, one might mistake her for a schoolgirl. She was dressed the part in an outfit reminiscent of a girl’s school uniform, a messenger’s bag slung over her shoulder and pressing against her hip. Her long golden hair was neat, a tiny braid dangling next to her right cheek, secured with a blue ribbon.

That illusion could only hold if one ignored her wings, which in the light of the sun were even more breathtaking than they had been yesterday, covered to the brim in downy white feathers that he couldn't help but yearn to touch. They were tucked behind her now, giving a little shiver with each bite of toast she took, but if she were to stretch them out to their full length, they could likely fill the entire corridor.

“Angel?” She pushed her now emptied plate towards him, bowing her head in gratitude. “Yes, I am an angel! I will be with you for the following six days, and every day I will ask you a question, as mandated by the Goddess. Thank you so much for the food. It was delicious.”

He marvelled at the fact that she could utter those words with a straight face. She probably didn't even realise that her very presence had torn his world down to its foundations and was now reshaping it, piece by jagged piece.

“It's just burned toast…” he mumbled in confusion. “How did you even get in here?” Unless he had forgotten to lock his door on his way out yesterday afternoon, which was highly unlikely, there had been no way in apart from somehow passing through solid wall. At this point, he wouldn't even be surprised.

“I flew up to your balcony!"

Choking on his next bite, he barely managed to catch the spew of crumbs with his hand. Flew up to his balcony? Wouldn't that mean everyone had seen -

“Don't worry! You're the only one who can see me!”

His shoulders sagged and he buried his face in his hands, groaning in agony. Scratch the morning, he'd never be ready to deal with any of this. But if she was going to be sticking around for a whole week, which seemed likely given she was still not disappearing no matter how hard he blinked, then he'd just have to find some way to handle all of this. Might as well humour her and complete this strange survey and hope that would have the promised effect of getting her out of his life.

“Alright. What’s your name?”

“I don’t have one!”

“Uh…” He scrambled for something else to say, slightly afraid that if he offended her, she'd smite him with lightning or something equally ridiculous. But she didn’t appear upset, her smile just as serene as before, her hands remaining calmly in her lap. “What… What’s today’s question?” He gathered their plates and practically ran to the sink in a bid to escape the awkward cloud hovering over them that it seemed only he could sense. Only to be met with the stack of dishes from yesterday that he had yet to deal with, a tiny tower wobbling precariously that threatened to topple and leave him with a pile of shattered porcelain at any time. With a sigh, he readied the soap, continuing to keep an eye on his “guest”.

“Hm…” She bit her lip, rummaging through her bag and pulling out a roll of parchment that she slowly began to unroll - only for it to keep going and going, until the end of it nearly hit his feet. How had that even fit in her tiny bag? Why was he even bothering to think about this? “Day 2, day 2, day 2… Ah! Here it is. Are you sleeping well at night?”

Nearly dropping the plate in hand and introducing his feet to the sharp bite of porcelain, he turned to fully face her, incredulous, soap suds sliding off his hand. “That’s a random question.” He was expecting something more along the lines of ‘What are your personal beliefs on reincarnation’. Then again, she'd asked him about animals last night, hadn't she? What was even the goal of this survey?

“There is much the Goddess doesn’t know and that she wishes to learn." The angel beamed, once more clapping her hands together. "Take as much time as you need to answer!”

Returning to running the plate under the sink, he pondered the question for a moment. He still didn’t get it. Why would some hypothetical Goddess, sitting on her grand throne up in the untouchable sky, want to know about something as mundane as sleeping patterns? “I’m just like most people. There are some nights when I can’t sleep, but for the most part, I do just fine.”

Some nights he lay flat on his bed and blearily stared at the ceiling, thoughts running tired laps in his mind and refusing to dissipate. Thoughts about the choices he had made to find his way to this very point in time, about the dreams he was trying to chase, about the many encounters and farewells he had experienced. The refuge of sleep would evade him, even as exhaustion blurred his vision.

But that was neither here nor there, tiny moments that would go unnoticed, buried by the rapid flow of time in this city that stopped for no one, charging onwards forevermore like a runaway train. By the morning, he would not be refreshed, but he would keep trudging onwards, for that was all he could do to avoid being left behind.

Pulling out a slip of paper, she procured a feather pen out of thin air to rapidly scribble on it before throwing it into the air. It vanished in a bright explosion of light, leaving blue sparks to fizz out.

He barely flinched, his limit for absurdity having well and truly been met and overtaken. Rushing off to his room, he shot her one final glance over his shoulder. “I’ll be in my room. You can just… stay here, I suppose.”

Closing the door on her face as the smile dropped from it, he heaved a sigh of relief when he was met with the normalcy of his messy bedroom. Stationery and papers were scattered everywhere, his bed pushed into a corner, and his laptop buried under a sweater that had been haphazardly thrown over it. There were no signs at all of magically-appearing angels.

Perhaps if he kept his contact with her to a minimum, he could pretend that everything was the same as it’d always been, forcing down the strange traces of recognition that flashed through his mind whenever she smiled at him that made his heart clench painfully in his chest.

Each time he passed the living room to grab a drink, he spotted her on the balcony - leaning against the railing with her hair caught in the wind, sitting cross-legged with her head resting against the wall, padding across the floor as she ran her fingers across the narrowly-spaced grills. It appeared she had found her retreat, staring down at the streets below and the people passing by with undisguised longing on her face.

In the fragile quiet, he was no longer able to ignore that there was something familiar about her, an invisible thread tied securely around his heart that found its other end around her wrist, relentlessly tugging him towards her. An itch came alive under his skin whenever he gazed upon her visage, an echo of something that was no longer within his reach.

That night, sleep claimed him after hours of fitful tossing and turning, plunging him into dreams that were nothing more than quick dashes of colour against a canvas, lacking details. A girl, face blurry as she held her hand out to grasp the moon, her shining eyes the colour of the lazy summer sky they had become friends under, her brown hair pooling around her head where she lay on the grass. Beneath the weight of that muggy summer night, they had talked of dreams, the words flowing out of him as easy as breathing. He had shifted closer as the moon rose higher, drawn in by the shy, sweet smile on her face as his hand had found hers, their fingers tangling together.

He awoke to rays of sunlight falling gently on his face, tears stinging in his eyes as he reached blindly for things he had lost long ago.

DAY 3

When he stumbled into the living room, she was already seated on the sofa, once more reading diligently from that long roll of parchment. In his sleep-addled state, it took him a few scans of the room to discover what had mysteriously changed overnight. The separate piles of mail scattered around had congregated into a single neat one, the floor entirely bereft of feathers and every surface spotless, devoid of dust.

“Did you clean all of this up?” he asked, attempting to rub the sleep from his eyes, thoroughly impressed. “You didn’t have to.”

“I had nothing better to do,” she answered, blue eyes raising to meet his. “I don’t need to sleep.”

Guilt slammed heavily into him, shame burning in his stomach for having ignored her for a whole day and for his plans to continue doing so for the rest of their time together. From what she’d said, it’s not like she’d asked to be assigned this job either, and anyone with eyes could tell she was lonely. The least he could do was not shut her out and make this any harder than it needed to be.

“I need to go grocery shopping.”

“Oh.” It was almost impossible to catch the flicker of disappointment across her face that was quickly covered up, but her drooping wings betrayed her true emotions. Faced with such a sight, how could he possibly refuse reaching out a hand to her to answer her silent plea? Besides, it would give him an opportunity to try and confirm his suspicions.

Scratching the back of his neck, he sighed, averting his gaze to the practically sparkling floor. “Do you… want to come with me?”

In an instant, she had shot right next to him in a blur of feathers. Jumping on the balls of her feet in infectious enthusiasm, her wings flared, nearly knocking him to the floor. “Can I? Can I really?” Her face was pushed dangerously close to his - at this distance, he could count every fleck of darker blue scattered among her eyes, strikingly familiar.

“Yes!” he blurted out, taking a hurried step back to put some much-needed space between them, heat flooding his cheeks. “Come on.”

~~~

It appeared that she had spoken nothing but the truth - nobody could see her. Even in the middle of the day, the streets were still fairly packed, passersby ranging from cheerfully chattering students to working adults rushing to their destinations. Regardless of who they were, they parted around her like a river would part around a boulder, not even sparing her a second glance. Not even when she exclaimed at the top of her lungs, her gaze flitting from location to location a hundred miles a minute. Even the most mundane of sights like a simple traffic light captured her full attention, and he didn’t have the heart to drag her away, simply watching in amusement as she ran in circles around the pole, eyes glimmering in wonder.

She was also incredibly clumsy, constantly tripping over uneven parts of the pavement, stray cans, or empty air, instantly shattering the image of the graceful angel she had been trying very hard to maintain this whole time. He constantly had to catch her before she thudded face-first into hard concrete, her thanks spilling out of her as her wings twitched in embarrassment, trying their very best to hide her flushed face.

From observation, her wings seemed like an extension of her. They flapped erratically whenever her heart soared with happiness, drooped when sadness weighed on her shoulders, tucked into small shapes behind her when pale red dusted her cheeks. To be honest, it was rather… cute.

“Here.” He sat down on a wooden bench, patting the spot next to him until she took it, giving her wings a little shake. The trees in the park were starting to show the first signs of autumn, orange and browns beginning to overtake fresh green as a faint chill began to fill the air. “Have this.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to!” she parroted her words from yesterday as she accepted a little paper bag containing a piping hot potato croquette, steam still rising from it. From experience, he knew it was delectable, and the tempting scent wafting off it was enough to make his mouth water.

“It’s better than burned toast,” he muttered, rolling his eyes. But he couldn’t help but break out into a smile as she took a big bite and then let out a squeak of “Hot!”, blowing on her tongue. Adorable.

“So what’s today’s question?” he asked into the silence that had fallen, watching the wind rip leaves from branches, depositing them on the dirt, which was rapidly being smothered by layers upon layers of trampled leaves.

“Hm… Do you get along well with your family?” she asked between tiny nibbles, peering at him.

“Uh…” His fingers curled in his lap, his tongue suddenly stiff in his mouth. Where was he even supposed to begin with that question? There was so much to say, but his feelings regarding this matter had always been a complicated tangle that he’d never really been able to make heads-or-tails of, not for lack of trying. “I… guess? It’s just been me and my dad for a long time. Honestly, I don’t know how to describe our relationship. We’re not the closest, and there are a lot of times when we don’t see eye-to-eye.”

There was an awkward distance between them, a chasm that had seemed to widen over the year since he had come to this city. Whenever they met, his father never seemed to know what to say, leaving nothing but empty silence broken by stilted conversation as they struggled to understand each other, leaving him drained by the end. It had been that way for as long as he could remember, ever since illness had taken his mother when he was young, leaving his father to take care of him alone even as he travelled from place to place for work. Their circumstances had resulted in more than one heated argument stemming from the desperate anger that welled up within him as he continually uprooted himself from every life he ended up building for himself, even if he’d known deep down that it had never been his father’s fault. Perhaps grief had forced them both to withdraw, and when they were ready to emerge from the protective fortress they had built for themselves, they’d forgotten how to connect with each other.

But at the end of the day, he knew his father did care, even if his ways of doing so were sometimes hard to pick up on. He had always done his very best to provide for him and give him a good life. Even still…

“At this point, I’m not sure we can patch it up,” he admitted with a heavy heart. It seemed such a hopeless prospect, not with the yawning abyss that would need to be bridged.

“Well…” She chewed on her nail, having devoured the croquette, disregarding the way it burned her tongue. “You still have a long life ahead of you, don’t you? That’s all the time in the world to get to know each other better. It won’t be easy, and sometimes it’ll feel like pulling teeth, but it’s possible. So you don’t have to give up now.”

“That’s… surprisingly good advice.” He squinted at her, slightly confused that those words of wisdom, delivered with such an encouraging tone that he was beginning to sway towards the notion that it truly was possible, had emerged from someone who gave off the impression that she had never experienced human nature before.

“That’s just how I feel. If it helps you, then I’m glad.” Shrugging, she flashed him a sheepish smile, laying a hand on his shoulder.

“Maybe,” he answered, picking at his jeans, the warmth of her hand sinking into his body and gradually finding its way to his heart, wrapping it in a soft blanket. “Maybe I can try.” All the walls between him and his father were daunting, but perhaps with the memory of her words, he might find the strength to overcome them someday.

“So, um… Is it alright if I give you a name?” He broached the subject carefully, unsure if it was some kind of taboo for angels. For all he knew, it could be.

“Why?”

“I’d feel bad to keep referring to you with no name,” he mumbled, face aflame. Especially when she kept helping him, intentionally or not. It was the least he could do to repay her boundless kindness, fitting of a benevolent angel.

“Sure.” She shrugged nonchalantly, blue eyes curious as she waited with bated breath.

“Uh, well…” He took a deep breath, remembering another girl from a lifetime ago that he’d thought he would never see again, not after her untimely departure. She’d been much the same as the angel before him now - always cheerful, reaching out a helping hand without a second thought, endlessly dedicated to her faith. Perhaps he was barking up the wrong tree, attempting in vain to keep the candle flame of hope alive that he should have snuffed out ages ago, unable to muster up the strength to abandon the promise they’d made together. But there were so many similarities that it was starting to drive him mad trying to keep his thoughts from running wild, even if he could no longer remember her face well enough to match it to the one across from him now. Familiarity pooled in his heart, so much of it that it threatened to force its way through its walls and spill out onto his trembling hands. It was like the ghost that had haunted him for much of his life from the corners of his vision - the sway of her hair, the sound of her carefree laughter that had long since rusted in his memory - had been given a flesh-and-blood form once more.

He could recall her name, written in a child’s messy scrawl on a crumpled piece of paper he still possessed, holding the final remnants of a heartfelt dream he was still incapable of giving up. “How about Colette?”

When she wrapped her arms around him, her wings reaching to embrace him as well, the breath left him in a slow exhale, the tension leaking from his shoulders. The two of them fit together perfectly, and he relaxed into the hold that his very soul recognised, the imprint of it having never faded.

“I love that name,” she whispered as his cheek pressed against her shoulder, her hand coming to rest comfortingly on the back of his head. “Thank you.”

DAY 4

“Do you need any help with that?” he asked over his cup of warm milk, perfect to relax his mind before turning in.

“Hm?” Colette’s reply was delayed, distracted as she was, attempting to contort her arm to pluck a feather that was frustratingly out of reach. She’d been grooming her wings for the past thirty minutes and growing increasingly more frustrated as she failed to reach some out-of-the-way spots, the frown on her face becoming more and more pronounced as her wings lashed out, liable to break something. “Uh, sure.”

“Tell me if I’m pulling too hard, alright?” He sat down next to her as she turned to give him unfettered access to her wings, stretching them out as wide as they would go. Suppressing his awed gasp at the full length of them, he was finally able to see exactly how they could support her weight. The sight of her soaring through the skies must be something indeed, and he yearned to see it - would her clumsiness carry even into the Heavens, or would she be the very picture of elegance?

“Thanks,” she mumbled as he got to work, something bright blooming in his heart knowing that she trusted him with what was clearly a vulnerable part of her. Running his hands over her wings, he could feel the hard bones that lay beneath as he tugged gently at old, grey feathers to pull them out, adding them to the growing pile by the sofa, and smoothing out feathers that were out of alignment. “I usually have someone help me.”

“I can imagine.” Her feathers were soft, his fingers getting lost within their endless sea of white - he almost wanted to never leave. She was practically melting beneath his touch, once more humming that same tune she had when he had first woken up with his head resting in her lap. It almost seemed like she’d fall asleep, for even if she didn’t need to, surely she still needed to rest. “What’s today’s question?”

“Are you doing the things you want to do?”

He froze mid-way through pulling out a feather, a tremor racking his hand. Swallowing, he completed the motion, slowly backing away from her. It felt like ice had grown over his heart, brittle and about to crack.

“I… I think so. Honestly, I… I don’t know.” He smiled a little bitterly, worrying at the feather in hand, avoiding her curious gaze. “Sorry that I don’t have the definitive answer.”

He was here, in this massive city which he had once called home with his mother, unable to recover the easy joy he had once felt in faded memories that he could barely dredge up, back when things used to be much simpler. Working himself to the bone for the sake of a dream that may not grant him a future, chasing the stars like a child that had yet to grow up, reaching desperately for those glinting, inhuman lights. Surrounded by throngs of people that didn’t know his name, feeling nothing but tiny and insignificant.

Some days, he felt like a fool chasing nothing more than a mirage, the ashes of his dream falling between his fingers as he questioned whether any of this would be worth it. But there were spots of bright happiness, moments when he reaffirmed his determination, deciding that he couldn’t give up. He would make his dream come true, for the sake of the friend that had been left behind in happy summer days.

“That’s alright,” she answered gently, turning to face him and placing a hand on his cheek. He couldn’t help but lean into her touch, taking a shuddering breath as her voice washed over him, soothing his weary heart. There was no judgement, only a kind understanding that thawed the ice, chasing away the chill. “Nobody holds the answer to everything, even about themselves. There are no right or wrong answers. It’s like I said before - you’ll have the time to figure it out. I’m certain that you will, whether it be tomorrow or a year from now.”

Blinking away the tears that were suddenly pricking at the corners of his eyes, the words of thanks he wished to express stuck in his throat, he hid his face in his arm as her hand found its way to his back, giving it a comforting rub. Her appearance had granted him a miracle, one that he clung to with utmost gratitude, her encouraging words a shining beacon of light in a sea of uncertainty, saving him from drowning.

She said nothing more, only squeezed his hand, keeping him company.

DAY 5

“Lloyd! Wow, it’s been a while since I last saw you.” Sheena waved, peeling from a group of students and bounding over with a cheerful stride. She completely ignored Colette, who stared at her with wide eyes. “Did Zelos piss you off that badly? If he actually did cross a line, just tell me and I’ll take care of him for you.” The wicked grin on her face and the cracking of her knuckles sent a shiver down his back, and he quickly sent Zelos his prayers.

“No, it’s fine! All that wasn’t his fault.” Frantically, he waved his hands in denial. Hopefully, that would be enough to deter Sheena from murder. He would not be held responsible for that.

“If you say so. So, what brings you to campus today? Summer classes as well?” Sheena returned his nod in commiseration. “Hey, are you free next week to come over to my place? Zelos will be joining. We can compare assignments on our common mods and play a few rounds of Smash.”

Next week… He mentally checked his schedule, counting through the days. “I should be free, so sure.”

“Great.” She grinned, patting him on the shoulder. “I’ll send you more details later, I’d better get going. The professor for my next class will skin me alive if I’m late. See you later!”

And just like that, she was off, blending into the crowd of students headed into the school building before he could even blink. Sometimes, he couldn’t help but compare her to a whirlwind, never stopping and always on the move.

“Let’s go, shall we?” he told Colette, moving off towards his own destination. She followed behind him, a small smile on her face.

~~~

Colette kicked her feet back and forth, her face pressed against the library’s wide window. It afforded a wonderful view of the university courtyard, which even in autumn was filled to the brim with a myriad of flowers, painting colour into the drab environment.

Staring hard at the mathematical equations he was supposed to be deciphering, he found that the various symbols were starting to get mixed up in his head. “Ugh, that’s it, I need a break,” he groaned, massaging his temples and tossing down his pencil, which rolled until it was hanging dangerously over the side of the table. Joining Colette by the window, he pressed his shoulder against hers, her right wing giving him a friendly nudge. “How about you ask me your question now?”

She turned to look at him, blinking. “Alright. When you need someone to talk to, is anyone there for you?”

An invisible grip loosened from around his heart. He’d been anticipating a question on the same level as the previous two days, but this wouldn’t require the same level of soul-searching that had left him wrung out and emotionally exhausted, her presence the only thing grounding him.

His first instinct would have been to answer no, but looking even a little bit deeper instantly told him that this wasn’t true. While he’d never revealed most of the thoughts that simmered under the surface to his two friends, the time spent with them - playing video games, lamenting over homework and occasionally getting drunk together never failed to cheer him up. The two of them had been the ones to approach him and invite him to hang out with them, again and again and again, refusing to give up until they'd successfully battered down the walls he had erected. They picked up when he was feeling down and always tried their best to make him feel better - acting as anchors, keeping him from getting lost in the rapids.

“Yeah, I do.”

It was a simple answer, but it was the comforting truth.

She smiled silently, and returned to peering out the window.

DAY 6

“I win!” Colette cheered as she dropped the controller into the cushion resting in her lap, her wings flaring wide and smacking him in the head.

Rubbing the side of his head, he congratulated her once more, having long since lost count of how many times she’d claimed victory over the past thirty minutes. He’d suggested playing a few rounds of Smash to introduce her to video games, and tied a wager into the game - the loser would have to reveal something about themselves.

At first, he’d learned much about her, doing his best to quietly gather information. She’d been born nine years ago without any recollections of her past life like every other angel, and had finally been deemed ready by her mentor, a grumpy senior angel who held no love for humans, to take on her first assignment. Every word that fell from her lips only further confirmed his suspicions - the timeline matched up perfectly. Still, he found that the truth was too difficult to say aloud, getting lodged in his throat. To do so would be to open himself up to the possibility that he truly was delusional, desperately clutching onto a mirage that threatened to dissipate at any moment, unable to face the painful truth. For now, he was content to keep it close to his chest, the knowledge like a ball of warm light filling the void of grief he’d been carrying around for almost a decade.

He'd laughed out loud when she’d picked Pit to play, but she’d gotten terrifyingly good at the character and was now solidly beating him in every match. So he’d told her, detail by detail, about the friend he’d once made who had meant everything to him. The day they’d met by the river that ran behind the sleepy countryside town that she called home, an unflinchingly kind girl saying hello to a boy who had closed off his heart, not wanting to be hurt again. The nights they’d spent together as he taught her the names of the stars painted across the canvas of the night, and they confided in each other about their dreams, finding in each other the strength to make them come true one day. The promise she’d made to meet him again on the day he’d moved away, holding strong to the belief that it would happen regardless of the years that would pass and the distance that spanned between them, and the letters they’d exchanged until it had all come to a tragic end.

She absorbed it all with a thoughtful expression, her face betraying nothing of what she thought no matter how closely he watched it. It was infuriating, but he bit down on his tongue to stop himself from blurting out something stupid.

Searching for another fact to give out, he was interrupted by her clapping her hand over his mouth. Sputtering in shock, he did his best not to blush to the tips of his ears.

“How about you answer today’s question instead?” She smiled sweetly, removing her hand.

“Sure thing…” He eyed her suspiciously - did today’s question warrant such an action?

Her smile didn’t waver at all as she asked the next question, the words she uttered growing wings and crashing straight into his heart. “How do you define love?”

“Wh - what? T - that’s…” Words fell clumsily from his lips as he turned into a stuttering mess, tearing his gaze away from her, his previous efforts for naught as he felt his whole face grow hot. Surely he was red as a beet by now, embarrassment settling firmly in his chest. Had she purposely lowered his guard just to spring this question?

“It’s… something warm and encouraging,” he mumbled, the words coming to him easily with those halcyon days fresh on his mind, even if those memories were a decade old and faded at the corners. Regardless, she still shined bright no matter how many details about her got smudged, a light that never dimmed in a world that wouldn’t have hesitated to put it out. “It pushes you to be a better person. It carries you through your worst days, and makes your best ones all the better. But…”

Acrid doubt pooled on his tongue. “I was so young back then that I wouldn’t have known what it was, and it was only a year, so maybe -”

A firm finger on his lips forced him into silence, her wings forming a secure cocoon that enclosed them. Slicing a space out of the universe just for the two of them, and narrowing his world to just her.

“If you believe it to have been love, then that’s the most important thing, isn’t it?” she whispered, so close that he could feel the brush of her breath against his cheek. His heart racing, he could do nothing but stare into her vibrant blue eyes, drawing him in, her beauty otherwordly and stealing the breath from him. If he wanted to, he could reach out and run his fingers through her golden hair, he could press the palms of their hands together, he could lean his forehead against hers. There were so many things he could do, that his soul cried out for him to do, to press closer until there was no space between them at all.

He was acutely aware that tomorrow would be her final day on this earth before she returned to whence she came from, her assignment complete. It would be like saying goodbye, all over again, not knowing if he would ever see her again, for what reason would she have to descend again? That knowledge, cold and sharply piercing the vulnerable walls of his heart, held him back from all that he yearned to do. But even then…

Grabbing her wrist before she could pull it fully back, determination burning in his veins and driving him forward, he extended an invitation to the angel before him, who had guided him with a gentle touch, re-alighting the embers of hope in his heart.

“Would you like to go somewhere with me tomorrow?”

DAY 7

“Two tickets for the Ferris wheel, please.”

The bored attendant searched behind Lloyd, trying to find the mysterious second person, before shrugging and handing the tickets over, clearly deciding this puzzle wasn’t one worth solving.

Struggling to keep a straight face over the mistake he’d made, Lloyd made his way to the end of the queue. Colette wasn’t even trying to stifle her giggles, making his ears flush red as he scowled. Joining him, she hugged the plush puppy he’d won from the ringtoss close to her chest, hiding a smile behind its brown fur as a wing brushed against his back.

They had spent the entire day at the amusement park that this city boasted, exploring the attractions it had to offer. They had played the games, his eyebrows raising higher and higher as Colette had somehow managed to win every single one, even though he swore they were rigged. They had gone on the thrill rides, Colette giggling maniacally while he’d done his best not to throw up afterwards. They had even gone to the haunted house, which she’d found hilarious, managing between bouts of laughter to mention that demons did not look this cute and sending his thoughts into another panicked spiral about the logistics of hell.

They had laughed and yelled in unison over games won and lost, the looming deadline that crept closer with every second that ticked by conveniently forgotten. And now here they were, standing before the Ferris wheel, lit up in dozens of purple and blue LED lights, flashing in patterns that cast the ground around it in the same colours. The sun had dipped below the horizon, leaving a few stars to twinkle in the sky, high above, ready to act as witnesses to the ending that was soon to come.

He could vaguely remember riding the Ferris wheel once with his mother, who had picked him up by the waist to show him the sights when they’d reached the apex, her warm laughter as his tiny fists had swung through the air sticking with him through the years.

It was a place he’d once promised to bring another girl if they were to ever reunite, sealing their vow by wrapping their pinkies together. Her eyes had lit up when he'd described his blurry recollections of the park, blown away by what was, to her, a technological marvel that she'd never had the chance to set her eyes on before.

The angel by his side stared up at the Ferris wheel with wide eyes, tracking its circular motion.

The queue cleared in no time, and before he knew it, they were seated in the carriage, rising at a leisurely pace. The people below them gradually disappeared into colourful dots, the entire city spreading out before them - a veritable maze of buildings with lights that burned bright throughout the night.

Colette was staring out of the window with an unreadable expression on her face, her fingers tracing nonsensical shapes in the mist her breath left behind. Her wings were tucked close, so much so that she seemed smaller than she usually was, the dog plush lying forgotten beside her.

In the silence that had fallen, he repeatedly clenched and unclenched his hands, his stomach twisted into knots. There was so much he wanted to say, needed to say, even, but as always, he found himself hesitating, terrified of what letting the truth slip could do. What if she didn't believe him? Or worse, what if the truth hurt her? He didn't want to burden her with something that might chain her to the ground with its immense weight. She had no responsibility to carry it - being born without memories had freed her from beneath its shadow, even if he owed her the truth of who he was.

Of course, she beat him to it. She’d always been much braver than him, her courage the force that pushed him to be better.

“You know, I think the odds of me getting assigned to you was one in a million,” she mused, her words sending an electric jolt straight to his heart.

He could scarcely believe his ears as she put to rest all of his fears, easily speaking the truth like it was no big deal.

“I've always dreamed of a boy, even if the dreams fade once I awaken.” Her smile was sad, her eyes downcast and melancholy as her wings wrapped around herself, her voice carrying with it the years she had grieved for something she hadn't even known was missing, cradling her bruised heart and unable to find the source of the never-ending ache. "The melody of your heart called out to mine, and it wasn't hard to put your face to the boy in my dreams. I’m... really sorry for breaking our promise.”

“Don’t be,” he snapped automatically, finding his way through the feathers that formed a shield around her to place his hand in hers, hoping the tender emotions he held in his heart could reach her and take away at least some of the pain. He had never blamed her, not once, not even when he'd curled into a tiny ball in the sterile room in the new location he had moved to, tasting salt on his tongue as his heart shattered. “It wasn’t your fault. And you’re here now, aren’t you?”

It was cruel fate that had stolen her away and forced them apart, and yet she had found her way back, against all odds. He would carry all those years of grief with him for the rest of his life, feeling their weight pressing on his shoulders forever. But he wouldn’t give up the chance to have met her, nor the miraculous way she had re-entered his life, keeping their promise in her own, wondrous way. She had always encouraged him to continue believing, no matter what, the memory of the curve of her warm smile enough to keep him going even during his bleakest days.

“I… suppose I am.” She stood, leaning over him with the plush resting in the crook of her arm, her wings catching the silver light of the moon as they arced over him, blocking his view of the sky. All at once, he could truly see the angel in her in its full glory - not just the steadfast guardian but also the holy avenger, something fierce burning in her eyes and keeping him pinned in place, unable to move even a single muscle. “Hey, Lloyd. Tell me. Do you… believe in the Goddess?”

He understood, that this was the final question. And thus, he owed her the truth, and nothing but the truth, just as he'd hesitantly told her his views on faith so many years ago. It mattered not if it was painful - it was still what he owed her.

“You’d think I would say yes with you standing in front of me, but… No. I would like to think I have the strength to achieve my dreams.” With the help of those around him who cared for him, tangible and real, he would keep moving forward towards his own goals regardless of the obstacles that he would have to overcome. It would never feel right to put his faith in a deity who lived up in the sky, even if she did exist, completely disconnected from the lives people led on the ground.

“Good.” Her expression softened, the tears shimmering in her eyes making his heart clench painfully in his chest. He yearned to reach out and grab hold of her, draw her close and never let go, but he forced himself to remain still, knowing it would be selfish of him to do so, to make their inevitable parting all the more difficult. “Hold onto that strength, and I’m sure you’ll be alright. I… I really am sorry.”

I’m sorry that I have to leave you again.

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” It was his turn now, to reassure her with the faith he would grasp onto and never let go of, as she once had, pouring all of his heart into his words as he ran a comforting hand down a wing, shivering beneath his touch. “Besides, I believe that…”

“No matter how far you go…” There were tears swimming in her blue eyes, but she didn’t shed them, her round cheeks puffed up as she clenched her fists, her brown hair swaying with the force of her determined motions. “So long as we believe it’ll happen, then surely…”

“...someday, we’ll meet again.”

A small smile spread across her face, her expression doing its best not to crumple. “Thank you for everything,” she whispered, her voice wobbling as she pressed her lips to his cheek. Tying her heart to his with a thread that would never come undone, even as she vanished into stardust that scattered into nothing, marking the end of a transient, most beautiful dream.

Leaving him with a single soft feather lying on the metal floor of the carriage that he retrieved with trembling hands, the imprint of her warmth against his skin, and the tears streaming down his cheeks that he’d finally let free.

DAY 8

“You free next week for some bar hopping?” Sheena asked off-handedly as she trounced both him and Zelos in Smash, letting Zelos’ increasingly annoyed complaints at always being the first one to get booted off the platforms go in one ear and leave out the other.

“Can’t,” he mumbled, not tearing his gaze off the screen as he did his best to avoid getting caught in Sheena’s wrath. “I’m meeting my father.”

That earned him both of his friends’ attention, their gazes contemplative. “You know, I think that’s the first time you’ve said that with no dread. And the first time you haven’t tried to weasel out of it,” Zelos commented.

“Ha!” he cheered as he took advantage of the distraction to take another stock off him.

“Hey! Why me again?”

“You know, Lloyd,” Sheena said as she flopped onto her stomach, her fingers rapidly punching inputs into her controller, once more contributing to Zelos’ demise as he wailed. “You seem different.”

“Do I?” he answered, nearly dropping his controller in shock, surprised that she picked up on it. He certainly felt different after the week he'd had, that he still wasn't certain was anything more than a particularly vivid hallucination brought on by stress. But the feather on his bedside table said otherwise, and he’d clutched it close to his chest that very morning, smiling at the warmth it evoked.

“Yeah. Happier, maybe?”

His heart felt lighter, like the shackles fettering it that he hadn't even known had been there had been broken. “I guess I met someone.”

Zelos perked up instantly, a smirk crossing his face. “Woah, Lloyd met someone? Is she pretty?”

“Shut up,” he groaned, smacking Zelos in the head with a pillow before the three of them burst into collective laughter, helping to chase away the persistent cloud of melancholy that still hung over his head.

He carried a new sadness with him, tucked into a corner of his heart reserved just for it, the events of the past week weaved into the tapestry of his life. But he was also freer than he'd ever been, ready to try and soar with the wings she had gifted him, gathering strength every day. There would be bad days when his determination would wane and grief would grip his heart once more, and there would be good days when he could laugh out loud with his friends and grin and feel like he was at the top of the world. And every day, he would do his best to work towards making the many dreams he held come true, whether his progress be a mile or an inch, trying his utmost to be a better person as he cradled the memory of her close.

Just as he’d promised her he would, waiting patiently until the day they would meet again.

[neovenatorgirlteeth]

Ough, love is a strange beast.

I want to swallow you whole like a snake. I want to be swallowed whole by you like a vole. I want to reach out and press our hands together, fingers entwined. I want us to melt and absorb into each other like mercury and molten gold. I’ll make you tea in the morning, sharing our ugly, half-hearted birth into each new day. I’ll make you tea at lunchtime, to remind you I still love you in the mundane hours of the midday. I’ll make you tea in the evening, and put my hands to your face to caress it. I’ll put my hands to your face and I’ll crush your skull in a singular gory motion because I can’t bear it. I’ll cook for you. We’ll cook together. We’ll make delicacies every day because we made it for each other. We’ll eat together. I’ll eat you, bite by bite, hot metallic blood all over me. All over you. You’re eating me too, a strange ouroboros. You scream. I scream. I can’t bear it. I want butt you gently like a cat to say “I’m still here. I still love you.” I want to be all over you, skin on skin. I want to be all over you, like a python around whole body, squeezing, constricting, tongue lashing out to taste you. We’ll go on walks, hand in hand, autumn leaves falling about us. I’ll take you along the new paths I found last week. You’ll take me up the side-street I never knew was there. I’ll run and I’ll run and I’ll never come back. I’ll stay right here forever. We’ll listen to our favourite music. We’ll pick it together. Sing together. We’ll lunge for eachothers throats while it plays. We’ll take the train to York to go to the railway museum. We’ll drive to Staithes and have fish and chips on the harbour. I’ll buy you sea-glass earrings. We’ll search for fossils below the cliffs. The rockfall will crush us both into pulp. When they scrape us off the ironstone shore they won’t know who is who. I’ll kiss you. You’ll kiss me. I’ll kill you. You’ll kill me.

Y’know?

[1hellofacookie]

Ok that was kind of really fucking epic

[hinamie]

spins him around trying to understand the pink mop he calls hair

[i-say-stupid-things]

psa: you actually are worth it. you are worth the trouble. you are not too much to put up with. your disability doesn’t make you unlovable. you’re not too much of a burden to “put up with”.

you are amazing and lovely and the right person will come and see just how wonderful of a person you are. your disability changes nothing about that

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

[lazylittledragon]

pspspspsss mombin pt 4

(1) (2) (3)

[mollysunder]

At the reading of Silco's will:

To my beloved daughter Jinx, I leave all my love, enemies, and worldly possessions. Please please please see the lawyer to discuss assets and trust fund.

To Sevika, my most competent employee, I leave you the haircut I rocked in my mid-twenties but had to abandon when I decided to psychologically reinvent myself.

Wear it wisely. Others will attack you jealously over it.

[miiilowo]

weirdo 1 and 2

[staticstratosphere]

my new 'puter!! :]

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

anyone else have multiple traumatic memories associated specifically with holidays/family vacations? because that is a topic I never see discussed in all the So You Had A Shitty Childhood, Now What? self-help books i've been reading. but for me, it was a significant thing. and the more i think about it the more it seems like this would be an (unfortunately) common experience. would be grateful to hear if this matches other peoples' experiences...

[nothingmatters-everythingmatters]

lurking in radfem spaces has really changed my entire view of most mainstream internet spaces because once you realize just how censored women's voices and feminist thought are on these sites, and how much porn and misogynistic values are defended, you can't unsee it.

how anyone can bear to participate in an online space where porn, of all things, is lauded as the bastion of "self-expression" and yet any woman slightly critical of popular cultural opinions is demonized is wild, especially when a lot of that porn is a) violent and misogynistic b) often accessible by minors c) gross and shallow d) myriad of other reasons far better writers have probably described

fuck I'm just so tired. seeking rationality online is just opening a pandora's box of garbage and seeing the reflection of how bleak the social hegemony has become.

[hanfocus]

HAPPY HAN DAY 🐿️ September 14, 2000 / insp.

[gatoburr0]

[queenlucythevaliant]

Teams are vibes-based. Please tell me who you chose and how you think it will go in the tags!

[chanstopher]

Bang Chan ✧ Toy World Fanmeet