#this sick leave is doing me good
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sorry for not being active guys, i accidentally got hyperfixated on the witcher 3 again
#★ yap tag#i may or may not have spent the last 3 days doing nothing but playing tw3#this sick leave is doing me good
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i’d kill to be the only one you admire. who else could deserve your praise?
#do you guys ever get stuck in a mindset of like#haha they will never leave me bc there’s no one better than me#vs i’m a piece of shit and there’s nothing interesting or good abt me so they hate me and will leave eventually#dedication 🎀#obsessive love#obsessive yandere#yan blog#love sick#yandere lover#yandere bf#actual yandere#yandere blog#yan boy#yancore#yanblr#yandere
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bobby says to eddie one shift where buck is home sick with chris. going home to see your boys? eddie smiles and says. yeah. and your boys just Sticks in eddies brain and when he gets home he sees chris and buck curled up on the couch asleep and the sight makes him pause cuz. yeah. those are his boys
#dont get me wrong#im obsessed with buck referring to chris and eddie as his diaz boys but you know eddie would also love calling buck and chris his boys#so he just. calls them that all the time#at a 118 barbeque hes like. well i gotta go round up my boys its time for us to head out.#or buck and chris go to the zoo over the weekend and hes showing hen pics buck sent and shes like. looks like your boys had a good time#and hes like. yeah 😊😊 they did#hes on the phone with abuela and shes like. howre your boys doing??#and eddie is just 🥰🥰 theyre great#he gets home from a 48 he picked up to buck and chris about to sit down for dinner and eddie goes in for hugs (that chris dodges)#and hes just like. i missed my boys#he just loves his family so much. the thought of leaving his boys together makes him so happy because he loves chris and he loves buck#and he loves that they love each other and that they both love him. and so hes always just like. my boys are spending the day together 🥰🥰#hes the guy thats sooo in love with his family and everyone knows and its sooo sweet to the point that it makes people a little sick#a firefighter from b shift chats with him during a shift change and the guy walks away from the conversation being like. i know eddie has a#perfect little family that he loves so much but i didnt know it was like. That perfect and sweet. what a lucky guy. what a beautiful family#because the guy told him to thank buck for the cookies he baked and eddie was like yeah. my boys made a mess of the kitchen making those#and started talking bout chris and buck and how they team up against him and never let him taste the dough (but they eat spoonfuls)#ofc we know buck is prob always saying. gotta go see my diaz boys. or. im making lasagna for my diaz boys tonight#and eddies like. buck you know youre a diaz boy too#yeah. okay. but you and chris are MY diaz boys#me thinks
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I'll be opening up some commissions next week or so. The start of the new year means the government workers are scrambling to check all the applications and my sick leave benefit whatever is gonna be in limbo for a while.
But not yet. I am still very sleepy. I need to rest a bit more. Just a lil more....five more minutes....
#talking about stuff#first I had insomnia for like months and now I am so tired that I can sleep the whole day AND have a good night sleep#what on earth is going on =I am experiencing burnout after finishing school and now I have other stressful realities of life to deal with#me on sick leave: oh shit I should be doing The Thing and not just resting!!! I am being bAD! Sick leave is not for me to be LAZY!#yea ok maybe it's ok that I sleep a bit lol
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i could go on and on on the importance of shunkun and yuu being narrative foils of each other and how devastating it makes things
but nah, don't be silly, why would I express this sentiment on a serious drawing when i can draw fluff!!!😊😊 (copium)
progress dump... from vision to the end!!!
Vision->Spirit drawing->Sketch->Details on top of Sketch->Lineart->Color!!!!
"what is a spirit drawing michael" spirit. i inject spirit of my vision into the canvas and hope it makes sense later somehow💜 my process is mysterious in its ways.... not even i know what is going on(゜∀。)

anyway heres an image of the many. many glitches and difficulties i have to face now that my computer finally sniped clip studio😭 but i never give up I dont let the computer stop me
#re:kinder#rekinder#my art#yuuichi mizuoka#shunsuke takano#parun#fanart#this one is thanks to a certain post i saw a few days ago in tumblr. i just had to draw it as them#which was made by @hairscare !!! so shoutout to them for awakening this drawinf#i saw it and i inmediately knew what i had to do#BECAUSE GENUINELY i will never get over the sheer tragedy that these two are similar in many ways#yet the circumstances has made it so while one could fight and keep going with life the other gave up entirely and died??? hello???😭😭#ITS DEVASTATING BECAUSE OF WHAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN IF THINGS WERE DIFFERENT#BUT THEY WERENT FROM THE START OF THE GAME THERE WAS NO GOING BACK#i constantly think about the fact that shunkun was having dreams of yuu essentially crying for help FOR A GOOD BIT#like look . game starts out he acknowledges this and its. like. who even is that boy that dream again#WHICH WOULD ALREADY PLACE IT SO IT **AT LEAST** HAS HAPPENED TWICE. SO FOR TWO DAYS AT MINIMUM#BUT THEN YOU PLACE THE TIME WHERE SHUNKUN WAS AWAY FROM HOME#WHICH IS DAYS. PLURAL DAYS#AND THE MASSACRE COULD ONLY HAVE POSSIBLY STARTED THE MORNING OF THE DAY HE COMES BACK#because the other kids that survived woke up that same day and were extremely confused so that didnt happen the moment shunkun left#it pretty much happened shortly before arriving and thus the same day he left#which . by the way nothing to do i think it was intentionally premeditated so all the participants of the friends game could be there#BUT THE POINT IS. MULTIPLE DAYS IT HAD BEEN MULTIPLE DAYS SINCE THOSE DREAMS STARTED#so the mere idea that there was a slim point where things could have possibly been different if if that call for help would have possibly#jesus cheisr they mess me up#THE SLIM PERIOD OF TIME IS ITS AWFUL its .#AND THERES MORE OF THIS THERES MORE OF THIS IN ME REGARDING THE TRAGEDY OF THESE TWO BEING FOILS#BUT THIS IS A POST OF A FLUFF DRAWING SO LETS LEAVE IT THERE SHALL WE😁😁😁#they make me sick. i will die /lighthearted
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i think you can be as critical about the venezuelan opposition and maría corina and edmundo as you want but arent venezuelans allowed to choose for themselves even if the options arent perfect? are you willing to justify electoral fraud and police brutality, class inequality, bad management of resources, lack of maintenance of the country, breach of the law, lack of investment in health services and education etc etc just because the person doing it is someone you like or because you don't like the other option? are people at fault for wanting something different?
#i don't like idolizing politicians either in fact i dont think anyone should#a government official being good to the people would literally just be doing their job#but there are reasons for how much people love maría corina as of now and it's because shes one of the few members of the opposition#that has not completely given up on us or just sold themselves to the regime#from the days of chavez and when nobody would pay attention to her or think she would accomplish anything#people are allowed to have hope#and im very sick of this tendency to dehumanize other countries(particularly those from the third world)#and act like they cannot defend themselves or choose for themselves#when they try they are told not to and to let others do the job. how fair is that?? who are you helping?#if maría corina and edmundo fail us it would just turn into what we are already living through. we know it already#if they keep their promises and things go well or at least better then yay!#but we know what's going to happen under maduro#the country will keep deteriorating until everybody either dies or leaves#or people will keep living miserably#i thought people liked the idea that you shouldnt have to work out of your ass to have your neccesities covered!#well people are exploited here on the daily and don't have access to half things they need#let alone pursuing their dreams. theyre not allowed to dream#it's either we die or we don't die for me#i want to see my country healing thats all. you think maduro will give us that? absolutely not#it's always like this with countries that others view as just a land of natural resources or as a land of dumb poor people to project onto#just allow us to see where this goes. it's what the people chose. respect it.#oh ok vent over#Venezuela#this is very messily written i havent had breakfast yet#not to mentionnnnnnnn people on other places know what it's like having to choose for the lesser evil but when vzla does it it's wrong. lol#chavismo is not going to save anyone other than the regime. even chavistas themselves die under it#a lot of us were born under chavismo and want to see life outside of it
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I would rise from the dead, dig my way out of a grave, and travel for decades over miles of earth and sea to get to this man
(I think I might have screencapped these from @losthavenmine’s amazing gifs awhile back, but lmk if I am incorrect because I can’t remember)
#your honor i am so buckwild with desire for him it’s insane#sick with yearning destroyed with longing overcome with pining#this is what i see every night in my dreams#this is the look he gives me right before a tender kiss#I WOULD DIE I WOULDN’T SURVIVE A KISS FROM THIS PERFECT MAN#he’s so everything to me#so good and kind and lovely and wonderful#i wouldn’t deserve his love but i would try every day#i would never let him go a day without knowing he’s loved and cherished 😭💕#but yeah he can put his sword anywhere he wants you know???#i would become a wanton strumpet for him so fast i fear#if maximus has 0 fans then i am dead#saving this for later when i write overly dramatic romantic imaginings about gazing into his eyes#maximus i am YOURS please come take me#do not leave me like this#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe
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there is something about the fragmentary nature of teaching that I hate so much but I think I have to make my peace with because it’s probably where a lot of grace is working/things are operating that I can’t see. In good ways as well as hard ways.
#by fragmentary I mean like. I’ll have a great day and specific hard to reach kids will be moving with the novel and learning#and then the next day they’ll be GONE. for f***ing tennis or WHATEVER#and it annoys me soooooo much#not to mention doctor’s appointments illnesses and other legitimate things#and of course their stupid little attitudes play into this#sometimes they’re so excited to learn and other days they’re like ‘no I don’t think I will’#and all of this drives me up the wall because it just feels so discouraging and disheartening#and it feels like there’s no way they’re getting anything out of it#because they keep INTERRUPTING THE JOURNEY#and my own aims of building on my lessons and fitting things together in a beautiful organic and complete way#but I think some of that is just how it feels#because I was talking to my mom while I was teaching Copperfield this year#and I used the (kind of overwrought) metaphor that teaching it felt like bringing the kids to a banquet where the tables were simply loaded#with good things—honey and sweet things and real food and there were flowers and lights and autumn leaves#because dickens at his best is an Abundance of Good Things Poured out#and my mom said ‘and some of them will only want a taste’#‘but that doesn’t mean they aren’t hungry and don’t need to be fed’#and it made me cry a little bit because I have such an adult’s appetite —and both my heart and mind are very stretched to capacity#a capacity that’s always growing all the time#at least in the areas where I am doing the work and the literature I teach is such a huge place where I’m constantly doing the work#(which is also why I don’t have a lot of extra time to be taking things in especially Other Reading)#(because that IS my reading)!#but anyway the point is—I was reminded that their capacity is different than mine#they’re at a different stage. but just because they’re not locked in for all of it doesn’t mean they aren’t getting something#and they may need breaks in ways I can’t see. or they may need to miss it so that they can MISS it you know?#that may be a more important part of their journey than being there for what I perceive to be an amazing lecture or lesson#it’s still disheartening when kids are gone often. physically or mentally#and I am sick to DEATH of extra curricular culture and all the havoc it wreaks on kids’ ability to learn#and be present. and I’m sick of other unnecessary interruptions but also. the work is still happening. I have to believe.#teaching tag
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You know I always wondered why Emily the butcher ending always felt so off to keep corvo entrapped in stone.
To keep Emily entrapped made sense, because its corvo protecting Emily to the extreme. A princess locked up in a tower situation. And then it hit me.
I always saw corvo as the hero. Doing everything he can to keep Emily safe. But from Emily's perspective, what if it wasn't that? What if it was years and years of isolating her, deciding who she sees, what she does, dictating every moment and aspect of life to keep her out harms way. Emily robbed of freedom and independence, robbed out of thinking for herself. And it made her snap? Keeping Corvo entrapped in stone wasn't to keep HIM safe, but it was punishment. Retribution. A child reflecting back the results of helicopter parenting. The princess escaping her tower going after the one who put her there, and not the thing the tower was protecting her from.
#emily kaldwin#corvo attano#dishonored 2#no but for the longest time i genuinely couldnt understand why emily would genuinely leave corvo entrapped even if she was all evil#since the game gives you the special action “your father is safe” and its like ????#but if you see it as a punishment / a sick joke of “you did this to me. now you know what its like :)” it makes it so much more compelling#though i doubt they hardly want to canonically say corvo is like. a bad father#i will state even the best parents are gonna fuck up#the only thing about good parents is their actions afterwards to make up the situation#but parents will not do whats best all the time#my dh rambles#also oops i forgot shes called emily the butcher not the black like corvo
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i’m thinking about my selfship with endo in the tfys universe and i really think a lot of our relationship would be me stirring shit up every now and then on purpose to keep him interested. the rollercoaster of emotions he experiences with takiishi is one thing, whereas with me he gets this unfamiliar feeling of comfort that i keep trying to break and he is just fighting to keep me around not realizing that my tactic is doing the exact same thing to him.
#one day i’ll post the tfys lore#tfys = torn from your silhouette#<- toxic angsty bad ending venchiya. i wrote an x reader fic in that au once for anyone who doesn’t know/is interested#ANYWAY!!!#things will be so good and then i do something drastic and i wonder how long it will take for him to catch on to the fact that i actually am#really obsessed with him#and don’t want to run away or ghost him or pick fights or kick him out of the bed or…..other things i’m not comfy talking about on blr#even with warning tags i just don’t want y’all looking at me crazy. LOL#but like. in between all that? we have this euphoria being with each other and it freaks me out if he doesn’t look at me#in that lovesick way even once and it makes me sick to my stomach and i let him catch me pack a bag so i can chase that feeling of being#wanted and longed for and missed#the look in his eyes and desperation in his tone when he thinks i’m leaving him fuels me#please keep chasing me!!!!#i need to write a scenario where he doesn’t. i actually lowkey kinda have one in the drafts but there’s a happy ending boooo#i say that as if the whole thing isn’t a trigger warning from beginning to end#i love him and i have plenty of other thoughts about our good ending au where he gets to love and be loved#but i’m giving this one attention rn bc angst = cope#okay i need to go to bed really bad#nini yakl i hope i don’t sound insane#dearly departed — venya ♱
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#❤️🔥🗯️#GGGGGGGAAH#DONT DO THAT#LEAVE ME ALLOOONNEEEEEEEEEEEEEE#GET OUT OGFMY HEAD#DIE DIE SDIR E DIE DIE DIE#I Want You.#SICK AND TWISTED#Drivrd me nuts.#the giggle.#Whahtevr you say beautiful#Makes me mad that they put this in the intro of all things so i have to LISTEN TO IT. EACH TIME.#They can’t keep letting him get away with it#GET YOUR ASS OFF THE SCREEEEEEEEEN#He makes me so sick. i feel so frail. what the hell is his issue#I hope he is found desd#I need him so bad it’s not even funny Who said that#Good Evening#it’s my bad day and I get to scream incoherent about myWife
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I'm very glad I'm as stable in my sobriety as i am bc i am definitely having cravings but I'm still able to think that it's not the answer.
#would being black out drunk feel good and be nice? yes for a few hours very much so#but then the consequences#and there would be many#my next therapy appointment is Tuesday#I'm gonna call tomorrow and see if i cant go a day early#i took away my husband's credit card#or well i told him 'i dont think you're someone who can use a CC responsibly'#and he is leaving it home and i put it in my desk#he is also giving me his bank account password and I'm check both of our accounts every Friday when i go over the budget#there's still a lot of apologies coming from my husband#i think he understands just how much he's fucked up#i told him that for me the last year is tainted now#every moment we shared for the last year he was lying to me#i look back and i feel sick#he might go spend a few nights at his parents to give me space to process and grieve#he doesn't want to tell him parents what he's done tho so i dont know what he'll say to them if he does go there for a few nights#he is also starting therapy asap to work through whatever caused this#and we'll be doing couples therapy in a few months#i still cant believe 10.000 is just gone#anyway#I'm sober and safe#and working on healing#ben gets personal
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Weird Horsegirl Ganondorf fun fact of today is that in Ocarina of Time Ganondorf rides without a bridle! Even in the concept art his horse lacks any bit or reigns (as does Epona, and every other horse).
What it mainly means is that the N64 didn't have the power to mess with an unnecessary complex item to render -- but what it could be interpreted to mean for the sake of fandom fun is that the horses are raised and trained to be ridden bridleless.
Not to be up my own headcanons about horses being a big thing in Gerudo Valley and Malon's mom being Gerudo and there being a reason that Gan's horse is specified as a pure black Gerudo Stallion because other Gerudo horses don't look like that but -- have you seen the dressings on the other horses?
All of them, even Zelda's horse, have a call to Gerudo patterning. Except for Epona, who was only able to be approached, touched, and ridden by Link and presumably Malon herself.
It's no secret that the Gerudo are more or less pulled from African and Arabic cultures, but fun fact about Arabian horses, they used to be given as prized gifts to royalty and important political figures.
So if they are inspired by Arabian horse history --
Although the specific area of the Arabian Peninsula where the breed originated can’t be pinpointed, it is widely accepted that around 2500 B.C., the Bedouin people were responsible for developing the desert horses that became the ancestors of the Arabian horse. The nomads’ keen horse sense and meticulous attention to proper care and breeding created an animal that could withstand the harsh environment of the desert, surviving extreme heat and cold with little water and the food they shared with their handlers. A life of travel also required horses with great lung capacity, endurance and stamina. (x)
It's very possible that all of the horses in OoT have ancestry in Gerudo Valley!
#lays on the ground and thinks about how Zelda's horse might've been a gift from Gerudo Valley celebrating her birth#anyway i'll be over here!!! thinking about Gerudo and Horses and still being salty I can't ride in the desert in the wilds era aklsjd#clinging to my Malon's Mom Was Gerudo because usually dairy farmers don't breed horses -- it's a different specialty and a full time job#and Talon is definitely more dairy farmer so. It makes sense to me that Mama was doing the horse breeding. And mama had the red hair.#And Ingo was SO eager to kiss Gan's ass which seems to me like he's been there before -- and he wouldn't if his horse was Gerudo bred#anyway tl;dr this is a hill i cry on#I told my friends once that I hc the Gerudo came to get Mal's mom when she got sick and she refused to leave even if it would've saved her#and that they would come back for her body so she could be buried in her homeland#and when Malon was old enough she'd be welcome there but of course when Malon was old enough Ingo didn't let her leave#and she wouldn't leave the horses behind -- just like her mama. there was just no safe way to get herself and the animals out#anyway. :) good morning.#lozhc#oot eidolon
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feeling really ill about frank but not in the cool way
#not in the media literacy analysing the character kind of way#not in the uhh right way one could say#i just. im just. god how do i explain without sounding stupid#do you. do you ever love a character so deeply and so sincerely.#and i dont mean love as in like oh i love this guy i mean the real genuine thing. the real thing#and yk on most days you can be normal about it but then sometimes it makes you so so sick#'hes so lonely he needs someone with him' like ME!!! PLEASE ME but its not ij this#its not in this teehee im their biggest fan way its literally laying on tbe floor nearly incomprehensible like#please please let it be me please dont leave please just please just a minute#saying literally when you dont mean literally but mean it for emphasis. it feels that way tbh#and nobody!!! understands!!! well no im being dramatic. im sure some people understand#but it feels very isolating in fandom spaces. for good reason i suppose i mean it is weird#and i do isolate myself in a lot of ways too#but. yk. yeah. yeah.#tldr im unwell about frank but in the obsessed fangirl way and not like. correctly
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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb
#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma#my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that#work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave#and they were like oh no ☺️ it just carries over to her. and I’m like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease#whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say#she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz it’s her name and account attached to the fucking#apartment and I’m just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt#ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she#moves out. I’m actually sick I’m actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly ☺️ perhaps you could work something#out with her and she could buy you out of it and I’m just like. she doesn’t have a job she still hasn’t paid me for LAST months utilities#let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars I’m fucking owed#and it’s like does this actually affect anything? no. I didn’t budget with that money cuz I didn’t actively have it and that’s not smart but#like…. 900 dollars….. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also it’s just infuriating that that money is basically#just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and that’s again if she somehow doesn’t get#her ass evicted cuz she’s not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of#income but ig they probably didn’t check that cuz she technically already lived there I’m just so. I’m so tired and I’m so done can I PLEASE#stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what#while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? I’m done.#I’m so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats#great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and#never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking#life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering#because holy fucking shit I can’t do it anymore man I’m sick of it I’m sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be#vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a#shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and#always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it#and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and it’s not even about the money atp#but I’m just. I’m so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and I’m tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own#so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and it’s safer that way and I’ll have to stop feeling like#this and dealing with these types of things UGH
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Bro i want to integrate the Severance into my clone high au so badly i already explained it to my fp and it sounds like a great idea
But there's one little thing... it will make my comics irrelevant.... it will change the plot slightly....
i can't work on the comic anyways it's getting too hard lately bc of my mental condition soooo WE'RE SLIGHTLY CHANGING AND EXTENDING MY AU TO MAKE IT COOLER
but the price is... no more comic </3 sorrey.... (lmao like anyone cares) i will probably make a visual novel tho.... someday.... when i feel like the au is ready...
anyways stay tuned anddddd don't be afraid to ask questions about my AU i'd be very happy to answer them!!
#alkenetalks#clone high#clone high au#exclamation!2080#e!2080#woah every time i find some cool scifi media i have the urge to steal all their concepts and use them in my clone high AU#Sorry not sorry#Actually i never said it's all original like every second thing in my AU is probably stolen from somewhere or inspired at least#like these VR thingies i literally stole them from black mirror#and the brainwashing ughhh i got inspired by some youtube documentary about some cult ehhh i forgor#if you don't mind i'll keep doing that because i'm stupid and can't come up with something original <3#any of you watched severance ehhh?? this show is so peak#splitting memories in half concept is so good i'm definitely stealin this#scudworth having a reintegration sickness?? YES PLEASE#some clone straight up forgetting who they are as soon as they leave the shadow tower?? HIS WRITING IS THIS FIRE???#so please hear me out on this <3
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