#this never fails to make me feel better
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something i need on my blog forever: timmygenius as troye sivan + timmy dancing <3
#this never fails to make me feel better#timothée chalamet#boygenius#graces favs combined !!!#i love them so much i cant deal#this changed my life#troyegenius#snl
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Happy Birthday to Fallen London; My favourite British people beefing it with bats simulator.
#fallen london#ambition: nemesis#mr.cups#the grey mourner#Happy belated birthday to me: I finished my Nemesis ambition. I get to make a fun comic about it. THAT WAS THE DEAL!!!#...Is what I would have said had I not spent *four* days trying to draw a cool dramatic comic. This is all I have to show for it.#I also missed posting this on the Flondon anniversary so I'm double Smad and frustippointed at myself.#This is niche content but I know there are flondoners following me who will understand.#I had to make a second account because all my friends who I played with *also* picked Nemesis and dropped the game at various gates.#I failed every possible check at Knifegate. I was on the verge of madness. And yet I still love this game.#Little known secret about me: over 70% of the blogs I follow on tumblr are flondon rp blogs.#The cool art and character lore brings me a lot of joy!#With that said; what the hell is the coincidence that right as I finish Nemesis -#The flondon community starts a Nemesis Race.#Guys. it’s not worth it. It is a revenge quest about losing everything you have to see your task through.#All to culminate in the discovering that you are beefing it with a fanfiction writing bat.#That said; I do feel like this story was very satisfying for my melancholic doctor.#I knew I would get the choice between sparing or killing my nemesis (the bat) and I had a long time to think it through.#Someone who wants to save lives and (does as much as possible to do make things better for others) choosing against mercy?#Someone who never permitted themselves to let the city truly become a home because they were not a person - they were a tool for grief.#Alright..Yeah the ending was really good.#I will be back with a part two. Clearly I'm tenacious enough to commit to what I started.#If I am not excommunicated on sight by the flondon community I will be back with comics for the other ambitions.
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Buried Beneath The Laughter They Ignored
Tim is totally fine. Ridiculously fine, actually.
It didn’t matter that he woke up feeling this bubbling, manic laughter in his chest, like everything was suddenly so fucking funny. It didn’t matter that he’d woken up from another nightmare last night, crying, calling for his mama—not the mother he lost, but the mother he gained, Harley Quinn. And it didn’t matter that most days, he felt more like Joker Junior than he did Tim Drake.
It didn’t matter that no one else seemed to fucking care.
He shoved down every bit of laughter clawing up his throat, because he knew if he let even one chuckle slip, they’d all give him that look. The one they always did. Disapproval masked as concern. They didn’t like Junior. They didn’t want to believe Junior was still in there, clawing his way up every time Tim breathed.
It didn’t matter that no one ever asked him how he was doing. They didn’t want to talk about it. Because talking about it would make it real, and they preferred pretending it wasn’t. They expected him to be fine, to push it down, to carry on like nothing happened. If he tried to bring it up, they’d say he was being insensitive—insensitive to Jason's trauma. What fucking irony, he thought bitterly. As if it wasn’t insensitive to be stepping all over his by not letting him speak.
It didn’t matter that he caught them glancing at him sometimes, like they were waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for him to snap, waiting for Junior to come out again. But they never asked. No one asked what was going on in his head. No one fucking asked.
It didn’t matter that when he finally snapped, when he finally screamed at them, sick and tired of pretending, they had the nerve to act clueless. As if they didn’t know.
It didn’t matter that Dick, of all people, screamed back. Yelling like he was being unreasonable. Like he was the problem. He screamed at Tim, demanding answers, to ask what the hell he meant by Joker Junior, as if—
As if they didn’t know.
They didn’t fucking know.
This whole time, they hadn’t known.
They didn’t know Tim had been taken. They didn’t know Tim had been missing. They didn’t know Tim had been held prisoner at the hand of the Joker for months, tearing him apart, piece by piece, until Junior was the only thing left of him. They didn’t know he had screamed for them, begged for someone to find him, but no one ever did.
They didn’t know how much he had suffered. Alone. They didn’t know how much he had changed. They didn’t know that every time he woke up now, it felt like he was still Joker Junior, just wearing Tim’s skin.
And they didn’t know how much it hurt—how much it broke him—to realize that they had never known.
Tim wasn’t fucking okay. And it mattered—oh, it mattered—that they didn’t fucking know.
Because if they didn’t know, it meant no one ever bothered to look. It meant no one ever cared enough to notice.
#tim drake#batfam#joker junior tim#tim drake deserves better#tim drake as joker junior has some sort of chokehold on me i swear#i think the realization of the bats finding out would be disastrous in a very angsty way#at surface level they would all feel like they've failed tim because he had thought they all knew and just didn't care about him#i think bruce dick jason and maybe alfred would take it the hardest because of past personal experiences#like jason would be angry at himself (and bruce lets be honest) for letting another robin fall to the hands of the joker#but he'd also be super upset at himself for never noticing tims signs of trauma#and also for never giving tim the impression that he could come to him for comfort and support as someone whos also suffered to the joker#which the idea that tim saw the way everyone was cautious and careful ariund his trauma while not realizing that they were totally being#insensitive and completely disregaring his just makes him feel shittier#the tags are already pretty long so i wont do the others but i think its a really interesting concept to analyse
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So you're a go to source for all things Dick&Tim bros and you tend to write primarily from Dick's POV. So, odd question, but if you were to summarize their relationship from his POV in FIVE panels which panels would you pick? Keeping in mind that one specific aspect of their relationship that you love needs to be clearly represented by each panel (loyalty, trust etc). I hope this is a fun challenge and not an annoying question so if you don't want to answer that's cool! Have a wonderful day!
No more talk. The same thoughts run through two minds... (SotB 29) / You're my equal. My closest ally. (RR 1) / I can't stop thinking how much I rely on him. (GoG 3)
25 Feelings Dick Has About Tim
This was such a kind ask & a cool challenge which I totally failed; here are TWENTY-five panels of Dick's POV on Tim sdfdsfds Look, I got carried away! Marcia and Cindy! The boys!!
OKAY SO BEFORE I GET TO THE PANELS A FEW NOTES:
WARNING THAT THERE ARE SOME NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IN HERE because I love conflict but but but you gotta remember those are not the final word!! They are complicated people and sometimes they get mad at each other BUT ultimately their relationship is so hugely important in both their lives & they love each other and rely on each other so much -!!! <3
Also I have CONCLUDING THOUGHTS at the end about what Dick's POV leaves out (mostly: a lot of Dick defending & protecting & supporting Tim, which Dick does instinctively but isn't very self-aware about most of the time)
I have loosely organized my list into 5^5 format (5 categories with 5 examples each!), so if you want to skip to a relevant one, here are the categories!!
Below the cut:
I hate him and find him infuriating (#1-5)
On second thought, he's endearing & fun (#6-10)
Grief is complicated & he's all tangled up in mine (#11-15)
I love him & think highly of him (#16-20)
I rely on him & though it's hard for me, I trust him (#21-25)
I hate him and find him infuriating (#1 - 5)
1) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze me and Bruce, but he doesn’t know me at all, he should get lost (New Titans 61)
2) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze Bruce but he doesn’t know Bruce at all, he should get lost (Gotham Knights 26)
3) He is so nosy about stuff that is MY business (Robin 0)
4) He sounds like an insincere suck-up half the time... but okay, fine, if you push him he's got a sense of humor about it (New Titans 65)
5) I'm sure he's a better vigilante than me. It's my fault for being a failure, but I resent him anyway. (Nightwing 9 - Dick's having a nightmare)
On second thought, he's kinda endearing (#6-10)
6) He worries too much and gets anxious so easily, but it makes him fun to tease (Robin 67)
7) I'm not that competitive - okay, so maybe I'm a little competitive, I gotta make sure he doesn't get a swelled head (Prodigal)
8) I'm supposed to be his favorite! It is not cool for him to be fanboying over my not-girlfriend's not-boyfriend!! (Birds of Prey 19)
9) We have fun together. I can kick back and relax when it's just the two of us. Plus I get to boss him around a bit. (Prodigal)
10) He’s always trying to reassure me, and I guess it's a little comforting, but also he doesn’t really get it. Or me. He makes excuses that he shouldn't, because he doesn't understand that I suck. (Nightwing 64)
Grief is complicated and he's all tangled up in mine (#11 - 15)
11) He reminds me of everything I try not to think about. Sometimes the memories are so strong it hurts to look at him. (Batman 441)
12) WHY IS HE BEING IMPOSSIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN??? THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (Nightwing 139)
13) We're the same. He says all the things I don't let myself think about. It's like arguing with myself. (Nightwing 139)
14) He thinks he gets to tell me what to do but he doesn’t, fuck him (Battle for the Cowl)
15) Life sucks, so what. I sucked it up so he should too (RR 1)
I love him and think highly of him (#16 - 20)
16) He’s the closest thing to a brother I’ll ever have. If someone hurts him I will hurt them harder. (Nightwing 6)
17) I can't handle the idea of losing him. (Nightwing 97)
17) He’s so good and I’m not. I'm afraid I’m bad for him. (Nightwing 110)
18) He’s better than me, and it’s kind of a relief because I know no matter what he’ll be okay. (Gates of Gotham 3)
19) In my head he’s the responsible one. (Gotham Knights 10)
I rely on him, and though it's hard for me, I trust him (#20-25)
20) I know I have to trust him but I'm afraid he'll make the wrong choices and get hurt (Nightwing 139)
21) I'm sure I know what he should do because I see myself in him - not that I can take my own advice, but he should (Blackest Night 3)
22) I trust him. When I’m losing my grip on things, he pulls me back. (Gotham Knights 10)
23) I want him to trust me (Red Robin 12)
24) He can tell when I'm lying. Sometimes he sees my weaknesses better than I wish he did. (Detective Comics 874)
25) He’s always there when I need him. (Teen Titans / Outsiders Secret Files)
Final rambling thoughts:
TIM: Uhh, okay, so I'm just skimming this list - do you really trust me? you're not just saying that? - but anyway, I'm confused because you left some stuff out? Like some stuff that's kinda important? DICK: No? I think I got everything? TIM (starts counting on his fingers): The time I was having a bad day but then I called you. The time I got captured by Two-Face but then you saved me. The time I fell off a train but then you saved me. The time I fell off a building but then you saved me. The time I fell off a different building - DICK: I feel like you're trying to make some kind of point but I'm not sure what it could be.
SO THE THING IS, I put 25 panels in here and not a single one has Dick catching Tim when he’s falling!!! But I think that's a central motif of their relationship from Tim’s POV, not Dick’s. I love Dick, but in some ways I think he is spectacularly un-self-aware.
And I think he especially has a lot of blind spots about Tim. He kinda intermittently gets that Tim admires him, and he enjoys it in a playful I-get-to-boss-you-around way. But Dick tends to consistently underestimate all of his own good qualities & skills, and he meets Tim at a point in his life when he's especially down on himself & his abilities. And so he's unable to see his own influence on Tim, & therefore unable to fully understand a lot of Tim's priorities and loyalties and motivations, because you can't actually understand Tim without understanding Dick's impact on him. There's a fascinating moment in Bruce Wayne: Murderer when Dick's completely blindsided & upset to discover that Tim doesn't entirely trust Bruce, even though this has been a definitive fact of Tim's whole thing ever since he showed up with his Batman needs Robin theory, and Barbara has to actively remind Dick of the obvious-to-everyone-except-Dick fact that a lot of Tim's loyalty is to Dick, and Tim loves Bruce but feels free to be more wary of him. (And to give Bruce credit: this is not something he ever begrudges.) But anyway Babs points this out, and Dick manages to sorta process it for about five seconds, but he cannot actually accept it into his worldview so instead he discards it at the speed of light and goes off and has an argument with Tim instead sdfsfdsf
All of Dick's virtues - Dick's kindness at the circus and Dick's determination to fight through grief and Dick's rigid sense of morals and Dick's vigilante skills and every time Dick has ever backed Tim up or listened to him or protected him or saved him from something or just been casually kind to a stranger in Tim's presence etc etc etc - all these things loom really large in Tim's mental story of Who Dick Is, and What Dick And Tim's Relationship Is. Tim meets Dick before he meets Bruce, trusts Dick more than Bruce, aspires to be Robin instead of Batman. And so in Tim's default version of the story, Dick is the super-special and admirable hero and Tim is... nobody in particular, a tagalong outsider who's barely managing to be a hero, not part of Dick and Bruce's family and not part of their story, who, if he's VERY LUCKY and tries REALLY HARD, might be able to fight his way to proving himself and offering something to Dick that Dick will value, if Dick doesn't get fed up with him first.
But that's not Dick's version of the story!!!
Dick's version of the story is almost the exact opposite, a story where Dick's an outcast failure black sheep who's screwing up everything he tries, and meanwhile Tim is The Sudden New Perfect Robin Who's Better Than Me And Probably Bruce Loves Him More And Probably They Gossip About What A Loser I Am, mixed with a complicated edge of Tim Thinks He's So Smart But He Doesn't Know Me/Us At All. Dick gets much more attached to Tim over time, and Tim gets unnervingly better at the know-it-all psychoanalysis so then Dick gets to have complicated feelings about him being right instead of just annoyance at him for being wrong, plus Dick's relationship with Bruce improves a lot, so Tim stops feeling so threatening. But Dick never fundamentally changes his basic theory of their relationship in which Tim is highly impressive and capable, and Dick is not so much.
And so asking Dick about Tim is kinda like if you asked George Bailey to tell you about Harry Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life; like, you'll be there for five hours while he tells you how great Harry is, and how accomplished Harry is, and how he doesn't really get how or why Harry does the things he does, and maybe George does feel a little resentful or jealous sometimes, but that pales in comparison to all his admiration and trust for Harry who he loves so much, who's better than him in so many ways, and he's not gonna openly gripe but secretly he can't help but feel sometimes like he's such a failure in comparison to Harry, a perfect person who emerged fully formed from Zeus's head with all the virtues and also all the accomplishments, etc. etc. etc. --
-- and he will not actually remember the part where he changed and saved Harry's whole entire life unless you literally send him to an alternate timeline in order to force him to remember it. <3
#i enjoyed thinking about this so much i wrote a novel with All My Thoughts sorry sdfsdfs#tim drake#dick grayson#somewhat tangential but as i was writing this i was thinking about zahri's post#about how different types of stories offer different kinds of emotional payoffs#and i think for me for dick and tim the main two payoffs are:#1) someone who sees & understands your grief for deaths that will never get fixed or get better#and who will face your ghosts with you EVEN WHEN you're also mad at each other#2) someone who you look at and you see all the ways that you suck & he's better & you're a loser who's failed him etc etc#but it turns out that you're wrong. that you're good enough. not that none of the failures were real or that they were all in your head#but it turns out that it's okay that you didn't always immediately do or feel the right thing#and it's okay that you weren't perfect. you can fuck up six thousand ways & everything you did right will still matter#not because of making excuses or allowances or somebody pityingly trying to make you feel better#but because in the end the things you did right are just Genuinely More Valuable than anything you did wrong#all the times you tried & everything that you tried to give - everything you think wasn't good enough - it was.#IN OTHER WORDS they are both convinced they're not good enough & they are both wrong <3#anyway dick and tim are both INCREDIBLY SIMILAR and also CONSTANTLY misreading each other and i love that for them#and like. they will sometimes totally misread each other & then never figure out the part that they misunderstood#but then they manage to keep going anyway. we love each other on purpose <333#ask tag#dick&tim
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I may just be insane about this but does this feel like foreshadowing to anyone else. In this scene we see her trying to replicate the skill of someone else (her mother) and failing to achieve the same results that they would. That feels really specific and it's driving me insane.
Like, we see this come back again in the aftermath of the trial. Diana has repeatedly voiced her admiration for Wolfgang's ability to speak and inspire those around him in the darkest of times, saying she wished she could do the same. We see her pour her heart out and give her own speech to inspire the others-- except the reaction that she receives is cold and miserable, far from the newly kindled warmth and hope Wolfgang was able to create every time.
Diana is a chameleon. Her whole thing is to reflect, to replicate and to adapt. Do you think that this small scene where she tries to make a butterfly out of her hairclips-- a butterfly, an animal associated with transformation and change-- and the end result looking nothing like what she wanted it to be is a metaphor for her future character arc? She has declared that she wants to follow in Wolfgang's footsteps, wants to become something new, but do you think that by the end she ends up being the furthest thing from him? Do you think that by the end she will be left distorted, fundamentally wrong? Do you think that if she could see what she will become in the future, the only emotion that she can muster is horror as she gazes at a stranger that's supposed to be herself? That by the end, she won't be able to recognise herself, because there's no "her" left anymore?
#project eden's garden#p:eg#p:eg spoilers#diana venicia#wolfgang akire#it makes me think of her in the imitation artwork#the way she is more “normal” than everyone else. that she's smiley and friendly and colourful but her eyes are completely vacant. glassy#everyone else's ranges from horrifying to morbidly cryptic to depressing yet they all feel infinitely more “real” than she does#they say the eyes are the window to the soul yet hers are mirrors that only reflect the people in her sight#and in one you can see her face. expression hardened and determined with purple eyes similar to wolfgang.#and then the one where you see diana look at her imitation self covering her mouth in horror at what she sees when she looks into its eyes#and it's so unbelievably similar to when she watched wolfgang get electrocuted to death#and it feels to me like it's emphasising how his death will be her spiral into losing herself entirely failing to be like him#which makes sense. because she has an idealised image of who wolfgang was#wolfgang was someone who was also scared. who also struggled. who had his own insecurities and fears and secrets#wolfgang had parts about himself he hated and tried to be a better person than he thought he was presently#and he has an idealised image of his own mum. dedicated his life to be like HER#she chases after an idealised picture modelled after another idealised picture unaware that the standard she's pursuing never existed#diana corruption arc i can feel it#i can see her character going downhill mentally from here and honestly i'd love that but i would be upset cuz she deserves better#but i feel like her story will be one of transformation gone horribly wrong#which makes her such an interesting antagonist and contrast to how damon's development will likely go#anywho just rambling here in the tags don't mind me much#i just really like diana and i don't rant about her enough XD#momento rambles
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#detroit become human#hank anderson#connor rk800#rk800 60#rk900#nines telling sixty that if sumo is happy then hank is happy and sixty is like aight bet#and makes sure to break and enter before hank wakes up for optimal puppy priming and doting#connor wants sixty removed from the premises immediately and usually hank will threaten him with an arrest for breaking n entering or smth#but sometimes the two gotta make the sacrifice for sumo (and nines)#do many people think nines and sixty would be friends or is it just me#i think they should both be allowed to have that kinship of people tend to like connor more even if we were meant to be better#and while sixty would hold the head wound grudge against connor n hank i think hes like well NINES never shot me so i like him most#while i think nines would be like well i was going to replace connor and we all saw how that turned out#so i rather like the other failed replacement cause he makes me feel less like a pity project now that we have rights#bc if hes out and about having a good enough time existing than so can i#am i thinking too hard about this dynamic? probably!#ive seen lots of sixty doodles involving hank not liking him but i dont see much for him and nines
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i was stressing out over learning how to properly read and interpret the tarot cards i was getting (chronic ‘if i’m not good at something i should never try again’ mentality), and all of i sudden i heard such a clear sentence in my head telling me to “stop focusing on this spread and focus on the other you’re doing so well on. don’t stress on deity identification. you don’t need it”. i immediately felt my anxiety fade away, faster than it’s ever happened before.
#somehow i know it’s you lord hermes#as i’m typing this however i heard lord apollo’s name ring in my head#i can feel both of their presence for some reason?? it might have been both of them i just can’t get it out of my head#i love them a lot. they both never fail to comfort and make me feel better#hellenic polytheism#hellenic polytheist#hellenic polytheistic#hellenic community#helpol#apollo deity#apollo devotee#apollo worship#hermes deity#hermes devotee#hermes worship
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someone else could write it better than me but i love how the fucked up nasty shit you can make harry do/say/be in disco elysium isn't just like, random stuff caused simply by the player having free will and control over him but they're parts of who he is and who he has been
you're not a tabula rasa. you're a sudden shock of blank pages in a big, aged, damaged book and sometimes the paper you're trying to write a better man on is torn and you see something through the gaps nobody needed to see ever again. and it's just there now again, back to the surface
#sorry for some reason i feel like i write about DE better in tags than the post. idk why. TAG ESSAY AHEAD.#the gap between tags is a nigh irreplacable form of punctuation#to me#anyway#the one that really got me thinking was how failing an authority check can make you call kim a racial epithet#even if you've played a vocally anti-racist harry up to that point#that line feels like the underbelly of a calving iceberg you were never meant to see#floating to the surface as the whole thing turns and rights itself#the joyous moment is over. the celebrations end#you stop dancing and you step outside with kim#you can profusely apologise#but that thing#that piece of harry before he forgot everything#it doesn't come out of nowhere#nobody just randomly blurts out something like that#it crests the surface#and then it's just... gone again#under the waves#disco elysium#dibi
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eddie kisses buck on a random tuesday at like 10am on buck's uncomfortable couch because buck is just. there. and he wants to so so so bad. and he immediately pulls back like--I did NOT mean to do that. and buck is like [brain coming back online] oh. oh that's. that's fine!!! it. uh. happens!!! I've kissed so many people I didn't really want to kiss!! and eddie says. no. I wanted to. and buck's like you....wanted to.... try to kiss a guy? I'm so glad that you uh feel safe enough with me to like. try to figure that out! if you, uh, need to try again-- and eddie's like no I wanted to kiss YOU. but don't worry about it. this doesn't have to change anything. and buck's like OH.....SURE......IF THATS WHAT YOU WANT.....[guy who doesn't realise he wants more than anything for things to change]
#AND eddie has a moustache#911#buddie#instead of failing to write fic ill just make. posts#crucially buck is still with tommy and when they kiss after while he's freaking out he thinks like. eddies better at this :(#I wish we kissed longer and that he used tongue and honestly if we're gonna kiss once and never talk abt it again. we should've fucked too#this ofc leads to buck realising his feelings after talking in very vague 'SOMEONE... kissed me' terms to literally everyone he knows#murk posts
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simple joys in life (man united losing) 😌🤗🙏
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Made two bracelets today! Sadly I can't find one of the things I need to fully finish them properly but they're fully constructed!



The first one is Weather, it's five golden charms set on a beautiful sky blue hemp cord in a simple square knot macrame. The cloud, Sun, pentacle, moon, and lightning bolt charms are spaced equally, giving them each an equal influence in the piece.
The second is more simple but no less refined, the centerpiece is a lovely antique silver Tree of Life charm, with richly stained wooden beads flanking it to either side. No specific Intention here, but a blank slate for you to dedicate to a tree spirit or forest near you, in the hopes that you'll find a way to personalize it to your craft.
#wanders arts and witch crafts#please please please reblog this is you voted on my polls#I need to network as much as I can rn bc I wanna get this off the ground#and the more engagement I have the more motivated I am#I tried (at my parents unfortunate influence) to sell my crafts when I was 18#they never actually prepared me in any way for what I was doing they just told me to figure it out#so I of course failed miserably at it because I had no idea what I was doing#my work back then was nothing compared to what is it now#I might make another post later with pictures of things I've made in the last few years#things that I feel are a much better reflection of my craft and my Craft#ykwim?#anyways#wander talks
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I just had someone on TikTok tell me, in an argument abt the Luke Pedo discourse, that I obviously never read Demigod Diaries. Because he (paraphrased) talked "really weirdly" about Annabeth when Luke was 14 and she 7. I- I don't even know what to say to that 💀 Like that HAS to be trolling, right? That CAN'T be meant seriously. Homeboy literally referred to Annabeth as his "daughter"- IF ANYTHING ROMANTIC HAPPENED THERE IT WAS BETWEEN HIM AND THALIA! 'CAUSE HE CALLED HIMSELF THE "FATHER" AND HER THE "MOTHER" 😭😭😭😭 Like jesus CHRIST- I'm really not joking anymore saying half of this fandom just read the books with their eyes closed. I think I actively lost IQ points reading that.
#pjo#luke castellan#percy jackson and the olympians#anytime I feel bad about my media literacy and reading comprehension I just take a look at the PJO fandom#never fails to make me feel better.#pjo fandom bs#fandom bs#the demigod diaries
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I fucked up
#Is it socially acceptable to write a comment to a fic that is longer than the fic 😭😭😭#Is it socially acceptable to write a comment that is longer than the 10000 ao3 character limit 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#I'm so so embarrassed right now. This is why I've been struggling to write comments for a year now.#It's because every time I really like a fic I end up with an essay that takes hours to days to make#I'm so sorry to all the authors I've neglected commenting because of this I swear I'll try to do better in the future.#But right now I'm miserably failing. Man I put myself in a mess#Can someone please reassure me on this I'm feeling really insecure and I don't want to make the author uncomfortable.#Or genuinely tell me it's too much if it's too much#Fun fact the first comment I've ever written I was 16 and never ended up commenting because it breached the character limit too.#And 16 me was too much of an anxious mess to post it. And I probably still am#I'm so sorry ray/emma actors au fic I loved you so much.#Please don't ask what the fic is it's a relatively old one and this is already wholly embarrassing by its own for me#But to give you an idea of the proportions I'm talking about a 3k+ comment for a 2k fic ಥ_ಥ#random rambles#To all the authors my lack of self control has kept me from commenting to their fics: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm
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One of the interesting bits of trying to resume working on the game after so long is looking back at my ancient Draft Placeholder versions of an image from 4 yrs ago trying to remember what the hell I meant back then, to hopefully interpret it into some more final (ish..) form of the same thing .. making slow progress lol
#At this point I've decided it's just a consistent design decision to have the sketchy slightly wonky sort of art ghbjj#I simply don't have the digital art skills/tools/patience (mostly that) to do 100% digital things and have a Clean Polished Professional#Neat Looking Perfect Crisp Lines sort of thing like one would see in most games. I'm drawing everything in pencil half decently (not strict#ly making sure every line is straight or that the perspective even makes sense) and then scanning it in and coloring it on the computer#and that's about it. In another world I could hire an artist or two to do professional backgrounds and charcter art or etc. - but as I am#a mere penniless peasant hermit with functioning issues who has to do every aspect of everything themselves - I'm just going to do#what is possible within the time frame/my ability/etc. and then just be like ''ah you see! actually this is intentional~ it has a homemade#crafty hand drawn sort of charm about it - yes? this was the direction all along!!'' LOL#Which for the record I'm not like complaining that it's necssarily Bad or anything - more just I suppose not the Professional Polished#style you Typically see in a lot of things - again the like - sketchy unclean lines of it all.#(like I think usually people use some sort of symmetry tool to make sure that all sides of a box are neat and clean and have that#Professional Game Art type of feel about them - rather than 'this is a scan of scraggily pencil lines in which I did not even bother to use#a ruler or try to get them all that even' lol). So it's not that it's BAD really.#just I think.. perhaps ''unconventional'' compared to the examples of other#games I've looked at. BUT. the point is to convey an idea. I think your art has failed if you do not convey a concept properly. But so#long as it meets your purposes and is not SOO cluttered/scribbly that nobody can even tell what's going on (unless that IS your intention)#then like.. I think it's fine. You can tell a house is a house even if it's not polished. No worries. (<convincing myself)#ANYWAY.. also 'Nanyevimi Market Quest' is still SUCH a placeholder name but I genuinely can never think of anything else so#I've just been going with it for now ToT... There's no distinct actual throughline story/plot so there's no 'theme' to base a title#around. Kind of like how 'The Sims' is just called the sims because naming it like 'Sims: Downfall Of Pleasantview' (one of the#towns in TS2 i think) would be a weird misname since what happens in the game totally depends on what you choose to do with it#So you can't really name it anything THAT specific (a player might not even choose to have a house in Pleasantview. what then? etc).#So it's just like..uh well...GENERALLY speaking.. everyone is uh.. on a personal quest..vaguely.. which takes place in a Market street full#of shops.. and you are mostly talking to shopkeepers... BUT it's not just a Market Quest since it's also in a fantasy world.. so we need to#give the fantasy world name.. and that's about it. I'm just at a loss for anything else. Maybe the like 2 and a half playtesters I#manage to scrounge up will have better ideas ghhh.. 'Nanyevimi Quest: Get To Know Some Shopkeepers' 'Find A Job In Fantasy World' you could#say 'Market Adventure' but some would argue just having a bunch of conversations and wandering around is not much of a real adventure.#don't want to set people up for thinking there's any drama or combat or anything. 'Do Menial Errands For Mentally Ill Elves Simulator' ghjg#(also sidenote: the '''chibi'' style versions of the characters on the menu screen....EVIL.. that style is SOOO hard for me to draw in for#some reason.. I just can't get the proportions right/have trouble fully ''simplifying'' the design.. took me HOURS lol... aUGHh)
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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something really funny to me about my mom really thinking i wanted to become a therapist because i'm taking psychology & have like 2-3 psych books
i would genuinely be The Worst therapist i simply wouldn't be able to care about any of my patients . i would believe i am better than my patients . it would be a circus .
#cluster b#npd#bpd#i just have a special interest in psychiatry. sociology mostly. i'm Only in this class for the sociology#even then i disagree with a lot of things in psychiatry#have been dealing with mental health systems since i was 9 and all it has done is make me absolutely despise it all#i get the feeling she thinks i'm a “i'm so inspired by the treatment i've recieved that i'm gonna pursue this career path!!” on the contrary#i feel like if i became a therapist it'd be a moral failing on my end because of how much i've hated this system#if i became a therapist i would hate every minute of it for numerous different reasons#it's saying a lot to say ive never once considered becoming a therapist when i consider everything else from animation to archaeology#also when i say i have “low empathy” i don't mean “oh i can feel empathy in multiple situations it's just a very minor amount” i mean#that it's rare for me to have empathy. i cannot even reliably experience empathy with my ep or fp and when i do it's usually very minor#i'd be better suited as a brain surgeon before being in charge of somebody's mental health 💀💀💀
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