#this living situation has made me decide i will never enter a long term relationship with anyone who can’t get up after the first alarm

[annarubys]

forever baffled by my my roommate’s sleeping habits

[elavita]

11/20/2022 - Intro

TW - many triggering topics discussed (Self harm, abuse, etc)

Hi! My name is Finnegan Felix MacPherson, but you can just call me Finn. I am 20 years old, and I am from Buffalo, New York. I enjoy nature and long walks on the beach. I have 2 parents, and a sister. I am fascinated by anything. My passions include sailing and learning new languages. I go to school for engineering, and I love everything about it.

And,

I am gay.

Growing up in the Midwest was not always easy. I have lots of trauma as most 20-year-olds do now. As you may know, it's not always easy being, well... different.

My family is quite loving, yet dysfunctional. We all have our issues, and we all don't know how to deal with them. I personally have body dysmorphia, depression, and anxiety. My sister has OCD. And my parents don't know how to deal with those situations.

School was tough, but I got through it. I came out when I was 15, but I've had issues regarding my sexuality before then. I was 14 when I was sexually assaulted, and it had me all sorts of messed up. It spiraled me down into a dark valley, filled with dead Ash trees and decrepit gargoyles and castles. This is what lead me into a my 'gay panic' phase. An aside - I am not saying that the sexual assault, is what caused me to be gay, but it definitely made me feel inferior as a human. This contributed to my body dysmorphia, and hypersexuality later in life.

Upon entering high school, I was constantly made fun of for how I look, talk, and act. I wasn't like the other guys. I loved sports, and still do don't get me wrong, but I also was very musical and a nerd. I got called many slurs, such as 'fag', 'queer', you name it. I hadn't even realized I was gay, yet all my classmates made this decision for me.

Eventually I did come out, slowly but surely. I told friend after friend. I initially came out as Bi, but I began to come to terms with only liking boys. However, someone who I thought was my friend had outed me to most of the school. I decided to come out publicly at school. I had no other choice.

I began to develop anxiety and depression. I started to slit my wrists.

I hated myself.

I told my sister and parents about my revelation, and they also had found out about my cutting habit.

They were terrified.

Not because I was gay, they were super accepting, but they were afraid I was going to kill myself. They sent me off to therapy, but it never really has helped until recently.

I spent my teen years crushing on straight guys, something quite unproductive. This lead me further into an even more sinister state of mind. Despite being clean for a couple of years, I started to cut again.

On Christmas Eve during my senior year, I tried to kill myself. I was sent to the hospital, and I felt so guilty for making my parents stay in a hospital during Christmas. How perfect, the happiest time of the year, and I wanted to kill myself.

Eventually, I got "healthy", and graduated in the top five percent of my class. I decided to start school in Florida, where I would live with my aunt and commute. That really didn't work out though.

See, my aunt wasn't the most agreeable person on the face of the planet. She bullied me and my grandmother, who was living down there at the time, quite profusely. I also got involved with people. I had met someone who I thought I could trust. I ended up giving away my virginity to this person, because he said it was going to develop into a relationship. This sunk me back into a horrible state of mind despite being ok for the past half of a year. Things only got worse when conflict arose with my aunt. The constant fighting with her got so bad, I had to drive my grandmother and I all the way back to Buffalo the day my semester ended.

I was lonely, scared, angry, and sad. I had lost friends, and a family member.

Upon returning home, I had learned that my father had lost his job. This crushed me, and I began to self-harm again. I attended school virtually the following semester, and then I transferred back to a local school.

Things were much tougher, which lead to my anxiety spiking to all-time highs. Eventually, I went back to therapy, and I have been dealing with my mental illnesses ever since.

I also started to have horrible body perception issues after leaving Florida, and still continue to do. I go to the gym now every day. I'm told I look great; however, I still see the same fat kid in the mirror every single day.

Now here today arises. Instead of being a year and a half clean from self-harm, I am only two days clean.

My dog passed two days ago. He was my soul, my best friend.

I've also been going back to church quite frequently as I am again struggling to accept my identity, and I feel so lost in regard to my sexuality. I hear that what I feel is wrong, and that I am able to control my urges, yet I feel like I am going to explode if I don't express my true identity.

This all has coalesced in yet again me trying to kill myself two days ago and slitting my wrists. I am no longer feeling like I want to end my life, but I am still so lost and depressed. I feel like the weight of a million suns are pushing down on my chest, while I gasp for a breath.

I have actively been trying to hide my left wrist, but it's hard to do that especially when you live with parents who worry as much as mine do about my well-being.

I also was sending pictures of myself to people I had met on various dating apps. I hated doing that, but my past relationships with people had made me feel like I had to do that to get a boy's attention, and that is the only way I'd be wanted. I hated degrading myself, but I thought I wasn't worth anything to begin with.

This is ultimately what lead me back to church; where I have only felt more confused.

I haven't had sex in nearly two-and-a-half-years now, and I quit self-pleasure. I feel hopeless when it come to love. I feel like I'll never find 'the one', like they always say in TV.

But that all could change.

I have been hanging around this boy. He is in a class of mine. I actually think he may be gay too, and that's not just wishful thinking.

His name is Jacob, and he is just like me.

He loves engineering, and he is passionate about it like me. He is so easy to have and hold a conversation with. He is so smart, and funny.

He is gorgeous too. He has sandy hair and brown eyes. Kind of lanky, but in a cute way. His smile beams like the Las Vegas Strip, and he is so handsome. He has great style.

His scent is what really gets me. I am not sure what cologne he wears, but he smells like the breeze coming off the warm Mediterranean. I desperately want to steal one of his sweatshirts, and just wear it. I want to be surrounded by his aroma. I am usually allergic to such perfumes, but his is so ambrosial.

He looks so cuddly and cozy now that it is winter. He dresses in sweats or jeans, but he wears a big heavy parka every day to school.

Hearing his voice makes me want to jump into his arms. It is so melodic, and deep.

His lips... his lips are so plump and red, like a ripe Gala apple. I want to kiss them so bad. I want to taste his saliva, and caress his face, as he holds me.

But I don't know if he feels the same.

I think I have a crush.

~ Finn

[twilight-orchid]

How The Demon Brothers React After Fighting With Their SO

tw: some angst with resolution at the end, mentions of past arguments, insecurity.

Lucifer:

This man is petty as hell.

He doesn’t do the silent treatment, but he acts like you aren’t dating.

If you need to work on something together, you’re a co-worker.

At RAD you’re a classmate.

Around the house you’re just a housemate.

His poker face is immaculate and it will not crack when you’re around.

If someone didn’t know what was happening, they’d probably think you two barely knew each other.

However, you won’t notice, but as soon as you look the other way his eyes are on you.

He’s used to arguing with his brothers and is no stranger to explosive fights that end with he and the other person not being on speaking terms.

But you’re different.

He tries to go on with business as usual, but he can’t think about anything other than how much he misses you.

Yet, he lets it continue because he just can’t put his pride aside and apologize.

If you decide to sleep in your old room it’ll both hurt his feelings and royally piss him off.

He thinks you’re being childish and will be pretty rude about it, but that’s because internally his blood just ran cold.

It adds a degree of seriousness to the argument that he’s uncomfortable with.

Yes he’s mad, but he can’t lose you.

If you still sleep in his bed, he makes sure to scoot over to the very edge so he doesn’t cuddle you in his sleep.

In fact, the first night after the argument he’d probably put a pillow between you just to really punctuate the fact that he’s still upset.

I’d say it could go 4 days to a week tops without you making up.

After a point though, he just can’t function until the issue is resolved. He can’t sleep, he’s falling behind on his work, and he’s just generally not doing well.

You get called to his office one night and find him at his desk surrounded by piles of paper, disheveled and exhausted.

“MC, come sit down. I’d like to talk this through. Please.”

Mammon:

He’s so dramatic.

You dare defy him? The Great Mammon can’t believe this tiny fragile human would have the audacity.

The theatrics are just a front though.

His ‘The Great Mammon’ act is a mask for his insecurity, one he hasn’t had to use with you in awhile.

Even as the words leave his mouth he regrets them.

He’s going to be very uncomfortable with everything until the argument is resolved, but most of all himself.

He’s learned not to take his brothers too seriously when they toss insults his way, but words have a way of morphing to belief over time.

Internally he is going to be super hard on himself. 

Regardless of if the fight was his fault or not, he’s going to kick himself constantly for making yet another mistake.

He’s over the argument pretty fast. The anger quickly melts into anxiety.

Are you going to leave him? Do you hate him? Did he hurt your feelings? 

That being said, he doesn’t know if you’re still mad and he doesn’t know how to ask. 

As a defense mechanism, he defaults to how he treated you when you first arrived in the devildom.

Calls you human, disregards you, stuff like that.

If you decide to sleep in another room, before midnight expect him to be knocking on the door.

“Oi, MC. You awake? I just - I can’t - *sigh* Can we talk about this?”

If you sleep in his bed, he makes a point of sleeping with his back to you.

Less because he’s actually mad and more because he doesn’t want his image of you as he drifts to sleep to be a look of anger.

Though as soon as he passes out he’ll roll over and tuck you into his arms on instinct.

I’d say any after effects of an argument with Mammon would be resolved in a day, maybe two tops.

Leviathan:

Arguing activates his trolling the forums mode.

Goes back to calling you a normie and contradicts everything you say.

He’s less mad about the argument and more using the bitterness to cope with how upset he is.

He feels like a break up is less of an if and more of a when.

Why would someone as amazing as you settle for weird otaku like him?

Honestly doesn’t understand why you’re with him in the first place, so when there’s a serious argument he assumes its over.

Tbh don’t know how you and Levi would sleep together being that I doubt two could fit in a tub, but any deviation to your routine sends him into a panic.

It’s his reality check that the situation is serious and he needs to fix it NOW.

He’d have trouble apologizing in person. He can’t think of what to say, he stumbles over his words, and he feels like he’s on the verge of a panic attack.

Instead, expect a long ass text message.

He says how sorry he is, how much he misses and loves you, and legit begs you to forgive him.

If you sleep with him like normal, he’ll probably try to make up after laying there for awhile. His mind is going a million miles an hour and there’s no way he can sleep.

Still really has trouble verbalizing how he feels, so give the poor boy a break and take over the conversation.

He hasn’t had a serious relationship before and he doesn’t know what he should do to make it better.

So the after effects will last however long it takes him to read several mangas, watch some anime, and play a few games to see how the characters get over arguments in the story.

Satan:

Satan makes sure not to fight with you over minor issues.

He’s worked tirelessly to tame his wrath and he refuses to feed into it over a minor issue.

Thus, if you fight with Satan it’s a major argument and it’s explosive.

The aftermath isn’t much better.

He doesn’t want to risk blowing up again, so he’s frighteningly calm.

He’s an absolute master of the silent treatment.

He won’t say a word to you until he’s certain he’s calmed down enough.

For the first few days he’ll straight up leave a room if you enter.

For a good while the only way you can expect to communicate with him is through his body language and the expression in his eyes.

Satan’s biggest fear is losing control and lashing out at you. 

He couldn’t live with himself if he hurt you and he can’t stand the thought of you being afraid of him. 

He’s a whirlwind of emotions, so he isolates himself until he can figure out how to deal with it.

Not just from you, but from everyone else too. 

Satan will not share a bed with you for at least the first night.

If he got worked up enough to actually fight, it’s gonna take him time to simmer down.

And he’d rather not risk doing or saying something he regrets in the meantime.

Once he’s ready, he’ll approach you when he’s completely calmed down and has thoroughly analyzed the situation.

He’s considered both of your sides, tried to pinpoint what caused the disagreement to turn into a fight, and made a plan of action to prevent it from happening again.

“MC? I’ve been thinking quite a bit about what happened. Would you please talk it through with me?”

He won’t apologize for the argument if he feels like he was right, but he will apologize for letting the disagreement escalate into a fight.

Satan could go weeks without making up if necessary, but he tries to resolve it within a couple of days.

Asmodeus:

Wants to give you the silent treatment, but is physically incapable.

He can’t stand to have you ignore him.

He’s the type to go back to normal then suddenly remembers you guys had a fight.

“Wait, no! I’m not talking to you! I’m mad at you!”

His biggest downfall is that he’s so stubborn.

If he thinks he was right, he will die on that hill.

There are arguments with his brothers that happened a thousand years ago and he could still tell you exactly why he was right.

But with you, he realizes that doesn’t matter too him nearly as much as it usually does.

If it means going back to normal, he’ll forget who’s right or wrong.

If you sleep in another room, he’s beyond offended.

“What?! Well fine! I don’t want you in my bed anyway!”

Laying in bed alone is a different story though.

He can’t sleep. All he can think about is you. Your face when you sleep next to him, your smell, the feeling of his arms around you.

He 100% cries.

Finally goes and knocks on your door with wet, glossy eyes.

“MC? Can we talk about this? I can’t get my beauty sleep and my tears are wiping off all of my skin care lotion!”

Will throw himself into your arms before you can answer.

If you sleep next to him still, he rolls over and watches you sleep.

It puts him at peace and he decides seeing your sweet, resting face every morning is worth more to him than the argument.

He’ll initiate the conversation the next morning.

I think Asmo could make it a few days if it was a really serious argument, but he will not function well until you make up.

Beelzebub:

Wants to make up immediately.

He doesn’t like to argue, even less so with you.

Whether he was right or wrong, he blames himself. He’ll take all the blame in the world if it makes you happy.

He’ll go make you your favorite food and bring it to you.

If he thinks you don’t want to talk to him, he’ll leave it outside your door and text you to let you know it’s there.

He’s honestly devastated if you decide to sleep in another room.

You guys migrate to your old room when you want privacy from Belphie, but you almost never sleep separately.

Seeing you grab your pillows and march out of the room nearly stops his heart.

He goes completely numb and silent as he just stares at the space you had just occupied.

Like Levi, he thinks this means the relationship is over and he genuinely does not know what to do with himself.

He can’t even bring himself to eat, he just wants to lie there, lost and trying to grapple with his emotions. 

He’s another one who will absolutely cry, but unlike Asmo he will make sure no one knows it.

If you still sleep in his bed, he’s very nervous about it.

He doesn’t know if it’s okay to touch you, what he can or can’t say, stuff like that.

He just lays there stiff as a board not even able to close his eyes.

Honestly the fight would probably have to be resolved before bed. His anxiety just can’t take it.

I don’t think he’d initiate the apology. Not because he doesn’t want to make up but because his confidence is rock bottom in these situations.

He catastophizes and honestly thinks you hate him.

If you don’t initiate the apology soon, Belphie will. He can feel what his twin won’t say, and he knows Beel won’t approach you about it for fear of making it worse.

Belphie will lock you two in a room if that’s what it takes for you to make up.

Belphegor:

The embodiment of if looks could kill.

He won’t talk to you, won’t look at you, basically pretends you aren’t there.

If he must interact with you he’ll roll his eyes and sigh the whole time.

Tries to sleep through any interaction so he doesn’t have to deal with it.

He feels almost betrayed by the fight.

He thought the relationship was stronger than to have such a huge divide, so he’s really insecure about it.

After the first day, the anger has melted away to guilt.

He ‘s not guilty that you fought, but he is guilty about how he treated you after.

Guilt and self-blame have become unwelcome friends at this point. Guilt over Lilith, over his plans to destroy the human world, everything.

But more than anything else, the guilt for the fact that he attacked you weighs on him every day.

He moved past it quickly after, essentially pretending he hadn’t killed you, but that’s because he just couldn’t confront what he’d done. 

He feels like the luckiest demon alive that you forgave him, let alone  opened you heart enough to love him, and now it’s all in tatters.

Another thing to regret.

If you decide to sleep separately, it’ll hit him like a bag of bricks.

“You - what? Where are you going?” 

It’ll take him a second to process what you were doing, but then he’ll roll over and let you leave.

“Fine. Don’t let the door hit you.”

No one will see him for awhile. 

Belphie sleeps all the time anyway, but he just can’t make himself get out of bed.

If you don’t approach him to apologize, Beel will tell you that he’s been nauseous and randomly emotional which must mean his twin is coping very badly. 

Will beg you to go make Belphie happy again. 

If you sleep in his bed still, the argument will be resolved by morning.

He can’t keep himself from embracing you in his sleep, and it’s hard to say you’re mad at someone when you wake up in their loving arms.

It’s hard to pinpoint how long it could last with Belphie. If you don’t apologize first, he won’t let himself be conscious long enough to approach you.

This is both my first hc post as well as my first obey me post so I’m sorry if le boys are ooc. I just got this idea and couldn’t stop thinking about it so here we are.  Especially Belphie, he was hard to me for some reason. Let me know if you guys agree or disagree and if you want to send a request or ask, my box is open! 

[seriouslysnape]

Miscommunication (pt.2)

James Potter x Remus Lupin x Sirius Black x Fem! Reader

Warnings: Language. Poly! relationship. 

A/N: Part 1 is here!

Word Count: 3,376

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

It had been three weeks since you had stormed out of the boys’ dorm in a scurry of anger. It had also been three weeks since you had touched, talked to, or even spared Sirius a passing glance. As far as you were concerned, he didn’t even exist. Despite your dramatic exit, Sirius was confident that you’d crack soon enough and come running back to him, begging for forgiveness. But the more time that passed, the more that he was beginning to realize that might not be the case.

In a general sense, life continued on as it always had. You walked through the Hogwarts’ corridors with the three Gryffindors, laughing at James’ jokes and blushing red under Remus’ kisses. You gave all your love and time to James and Remus, not offering Sirius a drop of your attention. 

He tried to ignore it. He tried to brush it off like it didn’t bother him and like it didn’t make a difference whether you were with him or not. His attempts to drown you out the way you had been drowning him out were successful at first, but it only took about a week for him to realize how much this was killing him.

In the mornings, you woke James or Remus up (depending on whose bed you slept in the night before) with bubbly kisses and sweet giggles, something that you had always done for all three of the boys’ wake up calls. Sirius had gone almost 23 days (but not like he was COUNTING or anything) since he had any kind of interaction with you.

No cuddles.

No hugs.

No kisses.

Nothing.

The whole situation put James and Remus into a bit of an awkward position. You were on great terms with the two of them, considering they hadn’t insulted you and invalidated your feelings right in your face. This was a difficult challenge to tackle, because they felt guilty for continuing to love up on you when Sirius wasn’t getting his usual share. This was a rather particular arrangement that had taken lots of trial and error to make the right adjustments. Now that the balance had been thrown off, the whole thing didn’t feel right.

James and Remus had both tried to convince you to talk things out with Sirius. They knew that deep down this wasn’t what you wanted, and things couldn’t go on like this forever. James and Remus knew Sirius better than anybody. They were fully aware that Sirius was regretting what he had done and was kicking himself for it...even if Sirius wouldn’t show it or admit to it. 

Sirius was beginning to lose precious sleep over this. He tossed and turned in his bed that had grown so lonely without you. His arms felt so empty not being wrapped around you, holding you snugly to his body. Suddenly, he didn’t have anyone to help him with his Potions homework or someone to remind him about his Transfiguration exam coming up. He didn’t have the girl that completed the complex puzzle that was Sirius Black. He felt so unfinished without you.

He missed you.

But his pride was winning out.

“How’s the brat today?” Sirius questioned dryly, not even looking up from his Herbology textbook in his lap.

“Sirius.” Remus and James echoed, clearly displeased at Sirius’ cold name for you.

Over the last three weeks, Sirius would ask about you when you weren’t around and he was alone with the boys. He would ask how you were doing, but what he really wanted to know was if you had said anything about him or given any indications that you were close to giving in. James and Remus were growing impatient with Sirius. They had tried to step back, allowing both yourself and Sirius to have time to allow your fog of frustration to air out. They had hoped that Sirius would come around to realize that he had been wrong in all kinds of ways, and you both could work it out on your own.

Between stepping all over your feelings like they were a sidewalk and calling you a bitch for being rightfully upset, Sirius had one too many strikeouts on his record.

“What? If she’s going to act like a child, then I’ll treat her like one.” Sirius growled.

James crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back in the chair that he was sitting in by the common room’s fireplace. Remus watched the two of them from over the rim of his cup that contained his favorite hot tea. 

“She’s hurt, Sirius. You hurt her,” James snarled, eyebrows furrowed in agitation, “I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk to you.”

“Did you not hear the things she said to me? She was totally out of line.” Sirius argued, his demeanor going rigid and his defensive mode kicking into high gear.

“Because you pushed her too hard,” Remus cut in, “She has every right to be upset.”

Sirius was shocked that they were taking your side over his. You were never allowed to speak to any of them the way you had talked to Sirius that day. You weren’t allowed to talk back, get an attitude, touch yourself without permission, as well as other rules that had been established early on in the relationship. They all took the rules very seriously, and the fact that James and Remus were brushing it off was mind boggling to Sirius.

“I didn’t push her at all. She caught an attitude with me.” Sirius remarked tossing his textbook aside.

“Because you don’t always treat her the way you should,” Remus snapped, “All she wanted was for you to listen and talk to her.” 

“Do I not already do enough for her? I walk her to class, I let her sleep with me, not to mention that I fuck her pretty much whenever she wants,” Sirius pointed out, “And now I’m still not doing enough?”

James shook his head, sighing harshly. He was disappointed that he still wasn’t getting it. 

“She’s our girl, Padfoot. She responds so well to Moony and me because she knows how much we love her,” James explained, “You’ve got to start treating her like you love her.”

Sirius’ hardened features went light at what James was saying. He looked between his two best friends, who were sharing matching expressions of urgency. Sirius felt a sickening feeling creeping into his stomach that he could feel all the way up into his throat. Had you gone this whole time thinking that he didn’t love you like the other two did?

“But...I do love her.” Sirius spoke, almost in a whisper.

James and Remus looked at one another briefly, a bit relieved that he was maybe starting to see clearly now.

“She doesn’t know that. You’re going to lose her for good if you don’t change some things, Pads.” Remus added once he saw that Sirius was beginning to have a serious breakthrough moment.

That surely got Sirius’ attention. That wasn’t something he wanted at all. It made his heart hurt even to think about possibly never being with you again. He had to fix this, no matter what he had to do or say.

He just hoped that it wasn’t too late.

The remorse and the contrition that he was feeling that had been building up in him over the last three weeks was finally seeping through the cracks of the surface. It was like a fire that just kept spreading and spreading until the only thing he could see were the hot, orange flames and black smoke that would suffocate him if he breathed in too hard. It was like a switch had flipped. He couldn’t stand it anymore. He didn’t care about his pride or his image or his dignity. 

He just wanted you back.

So, the boys began to devise a plan. Sirius admitted that he didn’t know how to even begin apologizing to you. He wasn’t great with apologies, considering that even the word ‘sorry’ probably had only fallen from his mouth only a couple of times in his life. This was going to take some calculation and planning to get it right. 

You had been doing a bang up job of ensuring that you weren’t ever alone with Sirius. You made sure that either James or Remus was by your side whenever you were in Sirius’ presence, to avoid being forced to speak to him. Remus and James were confident that they could get you two in a room alone together. That was the easy part. The hard part would fall to Sirius, which came down to the actual apology.

James and Remus knew you’d be suspicious if Sirius apologized first. You’d likely only think he was apologizing because he was touch starved and wanted sex, not because he cared about you and was terrified of losing you. In their eyes though, as long as he was honest and didn’t lose his cool, you’d be able to see his real intentions.

Remus had told you to meet him in their dorm, and that no one would be there until later in the day. That seemed pretty normal to you, so you didn’t even give it a second thought. The dorm was empty when you arrived, prompting you to slip out of your uniform and into one of Remus’ sweaters all while getting comfortable on his bed. Shortly after you were settled, the three boys congregated just outside the door, whispering in their semi-circle formation.

“You got this, mate. Just be normal and be honest,” James instructed, “I guarantee you that she’s missing you just as much.”

Sirius was nervous. Not because he didn’t know what to say or what to do, but because he had half convinced himself that you had already decided he wasn’t worth your time anymore. He couldn’t live with himself if he was the reason you had left him.

“We’ll be out here just in case you need us,” Remus piped up, “It’s gonna be fine, Pads.”

James and Remus gave Sirius reassuring grins as Sirius took a deep breath before turning the knob of the door. He entered the small dorm room, his heart fluttering when he saw you sitting on Remus’ mattress. Your head snapped up, your face full of delightful expectation for Remus, but it faded just as fast as it came when you saw it was Sirius. He definitely noticed, but tried not to take it to heart. Your eyes were locked in with his, and you could already tell something was up.

“Hey.” Sirius said plainly, and in a bit of a squeak.

“Hi.” You replied.

He was honestly surprised that you actually gave him an answer. He thought you might’ve ignored him completely. The joyous relief that he felt from you actually talking to him was almost enough to send him to his knees, pleading for you to give him another chance. 

His gaze did shift to the book that was placed next to you. It was your Herbology textbook, the same one that Sirius had been studying from earlier that day.

“Studying for Herbology?” Sirius asked, but obviously that wasn’t what he wanted to talk about.

“Yeah,” You answered, unsure of what exactly was happening, “I was just waiting for Remus.”

Sirius nodded, avoiding the sting that burned in his chest at the reminder that he hadn’t truly seen you in almost a month. You looked so comfortable in the large sweater and the blanket that was draped over your lap. Your hair was slightly messy from the breeze outside that you had walked through to get here. Your skin was glowing from the warmth of their room and the sudden interaction you were having with Sirius.

You looked perfect to him.

He knew he needed to say something now. He needed to kick start this conversation before things got awkward and weird. Although, he never minded silence as long as he had you to occupy his every thought. All the things that he had planned to say were abruptly wiped from his mind. He was going out on a limb here, totally about to wing this. He just had to go for it.

“Can I sit?” He questioned, referring to the slight open space next to you.

You nodded hesitantly, shifting over so he could have a little more room. He sat down just about a foot in front of you, both of you turning to face each other. James and Remus were just outside the door, their ears pressed up against the door to be sure they didn’t miss anything.

Sirius looked at you for a few moments, taking in your curious, attentive behavior. He took a breath, and spoke again, but it came out as more of a ramble.

“Baby, I know I’ve hurt your feelings. I didn’t want or mean to hurt your feelings, but sometimes I just say stupid shit and then I’m too proud to admit that I said something stupid and...” He trailed off when he realized that so far he wasn’t saying anything that you didn’t already know. 

This was yet another reminder that Sirius wasn’t a great talker. But he wanted to let you know the things that you didn’t already know. He wanted you to know that he was truly sorry. He was sorry for ever making you feel like you weren’t worth anything to him. 

He wanted you to know that you were his world.

“I miss you,” He began again, preparing for any possible reaction from you,  “I’m sorry for everything I said. I’m sorry that I hurt you...I never, ever wanted to do that.”

Your silence wasn’t because you weren’t believing what he was saying or because you didn’t want to listen. You were silent because you were floored that this was happening. Never in a million years did you think that you’d be sitting here listening to a real, heartfelt apology from Sirius Black. The thought of you leaving him had really scared him, and you could see it.

“I know I’m different from Moony and Prongs. They’re a bit better at this than I am,” He admitted, “But that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you.”

Truth be told, you weren’t really mad at Sirius anymore. You could never stay angry at him. Your whole avoid-Sirius-at-all-costs routine hadn’t exactly been a walk in the park for you either. There were several times where you were tempted to just let it go and forget about it. But now you were glad that you hadn’t done that, because you would’ve lost this opportunity to understand one another a little better.

“All I had wanted that day was to talk to you. I like talking to you,” You explained, “I just get frustrated when you don’t want to listen and the only thing you can think about is fucking me.”

Sirius sighed, his eyes diverting to his hands that were fiddling with the edge of the blanket in your lap. He had known that the other two boys were right, but hearing it come from you made him feel even more guilty.

“I know. I guess I’m just not good at talking. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just...not what I’m good at. I’m sorry that I made you feel like you weren’t important,” Sirius confessed, “But I do love you. And I don’t want to go another day without you.”

Another silence filled the room, one that had Sirius’ heart pounding in his chest. He felt like his entire life was on the line. Like, his entire fate was resting on whatever you were going to say or do next. You had every right to get up and walk out and never speak to him again. He knew he had crossed so many lines so many times that it was a wonder you were still here. He just hoped that you’d give him another chance. He hoped that he deserved another chance.

You were starstruck. You were completely touched and moved by what he had said. Maybe it wasn’t the most flawless apology ever. Maybe it was a little rough around the edges with a couple of hiccups. But deep down it was true, honest, and pure. 

Just like the Sirius Black that you had come to love.

He didn’t have anything else to say, and he hoped that what he had said was enough. Your warm hand came to his face, his head lulling into your palm when you brought his worried eyes to look at you once more. 

“I love you. I promise you don’t have to go without me anymore.” You smiled, accepting his apology and offering your forgiveness.

All color returned to Sirius’ face, his shoulders relaxing and his chest releasing a bated breath. You captured his lips into a needy kiss, one that was nothing short of long awaited. Sirius’ hands came to the side of your neck, his blood pumping in his ears. He had missed this. 

He had missed you.

He was even more thrilled when you crawled over into his lap, his hands guiding your legs around him as he refused to let you go from his lips. Although, when the other two boys came bursting in, your hot make out session was forced to a halt. They came in as if they had no idea what was going on, fake surprised expressions plastered on their faces.

“Well, hello there.” James chided with a smirk.

“Did we miss something?” Remus asked.

You and Sirius only laughed, as the four of you crammed together on Remus’ bed. Sirius continued to pepper kisses wherever he could while you craned your head to look at James as he spoke.

“So, I guess the two of you got things worked out?” James acquired. 

“We sure did.” You smiled, giggling when Sirius’ kisses brushed against a particularly sensitive spot on your neck.

Your lips found his again, Sirius leaning you back onto the mattress and keeping secured there. When your breathing began to get heavy and your noises became a little hungrier, James and Remus announced their exit.

“Well, I suppose Prongs and I will leave you to it.” Remus winked.

Sirius broke the kiss only to respond, but that didn’t stop you from leaning upwards to suck on his pulse point, not even phased by what Remus had said.

“You two aren’t going to stick around?” Sirius wondered, groaning as your hips rolled into his quickly hardening dick through his pants.

James shrugged.

“We’ll let it slide this time,” He said triumphantly, ushering Remus out the door, “Besides, the two of you have some catching up to do.”

Sirius let out a guttural laugh as he took a moment to look down at you. You looked so beautiful sprawled out underneath him; your lips swollen from the kissing and your eyes blown with lustful expectation. He knew he’d never be able to take you for granted again.

“My pretty girl...” He mewled, “I love you. A million times over I’ll tell you that I love you.”

“I love you, Siri,” You hummed, swiping a loose piece of hair from his forehead, “Now make me cum the way I know you know how to.”

Sirius chuckled lowly at your boldness, his pupils dilating at the flush of arousal that sent through him. You knew better than to tell him how to run his show, but he knew this was a special occasion, so he didn’t mind taking an order or two. 

“Well, now, what happened to ‘sex doesn’t fix everything’?” Sirius joked.

“It doesn’t, but we already fixed what needed to be fixed by talking,” You smiled, “Now we just both get something we want.”

Sirius laughed out loud, continuing his shower of kisses and swiping your skirt off in one swift move, your body squirming with anticipation. He felt confident that things would be better now. He was more than thankful that he had another shot at this. He was happy he had you back, and the four of you could go back to normal.

And now things would be even better than before.

***

Tags: @justadreamyhufflepuff​ @satellitespidey​ @blackpinkdolan​ @gubleryum​ @gxtitobxby​ @risingtripletaurus​​

[nextdoorharry]

imaaaaagine a world like that..can you? part 2

-

in which y/n sees a text, harry lies to her, and wants her back.

a/n: ahhhh!!! i feel like the first part of this story was a fan favorite out of all my other pieces! so thank you thank you thank you!!! hope you enjoy!

here’s the link to part 1 if you haven’t read it already!

-

you were always a light sleeper. you would wake up to a pillow falling on the floor, slight wind coming from outside, or even a phone that’s on silent vibrate. that’s the case when you woke up to a text vibration sound coming from a phone. tired eyes, you wake from your current position and see a love island episode playing. on auto-play of course because you already remember watching the previous episode a few days prior. you guess you and harry fell asleep during the new one you two were watching. with tired eyes, you squint to see harry sleeping peacefully. you miss this, you thought. sitting there in silence and taking in how harry used to sleep, slight snores, mouth a little open. except he’d be right next to you and not across.

your thoughts interrupted you hear the text buzz again. you grab what you assume to be your phone, since you and harry both have simple, plain black cases.

wrong.

it wasn’t your phone. it was harry’s.

you realized this when you read the text displayed on the lock screen, from olivia wilde.

I miss you, and our casual hookups. Can’t stop thinking about it. it read. you wanted to breakdown and cry right there.

you felt all kinds of emotions; confused, upset, angry, and jealous. why wouldn’t harry tell me this part? no i understand that, but why would he make it seem like he did not enjoy it at all? clearly he’s comfortable doing this stunt if he was hooking up with her. all these thoughts running through your head as you quietly get up, turn off the tv, and go upstairs to your bedroom. leaving harry to sleep on the couch.

you feel tears rolling down your face as you get into bed, quiet sobs erupting from your chest. you loved him. you still love him. you were glad when harry said that it’s all pr. you were glad when he made it seem like its all fake. but now, it was all a lie. sure it was a pr stunt, but harry and olivia seemed to take advantage of that and use that to get intimate. he clearly wasn’t as annoyed as he made to seem about the situation since he got to hookup with her. you may be jealous, but you don’t care that he didn’t mention something private like that to you, because he didn’t need to, it’s his business. but what stings is that he made it seem like it was clear he wasn’t actually into olivia.

-

you wake up to hear the coffee machine on, and the sound of something being cut against the cutting board. harry’s still here. you felt weird facing him now that you know he lied to you. even though you two aren’t in a relationship anymore, he has never lied to you. ever. nonetheless, you get up and proceed with your morning routine, then head downstairs.

“mornin,’ sleep well?” harry smiles as he sees you enter the kitchen. his eyebrows furrow a bit as you come closer to his vision. he couldn’t help but notice your eyes look a bit puffier than usual than how it normally looks when you’ve just woken up. he knows its either allergies or that you cried.

you reply with a slight “mhm” and reach for the cupboard to get glasses.

the thought of you crying makes him worried. it always did. you rarely cried during your relationship with him. only when it was a close individual’s funeral, or tears of laughter. or the day you two argued and he broke it off with you.

that’s why he hates seeing you in your state now. because if you were crying, all he could picture is the day you two broke up.

“y/n, y’good? your eyes look puffier than usual, love.” harry asks cautiously, trying to read your face, which refuses to make eye contact with him.

you were stood by the fridge, filling the glasses of water for the two of you when you replied, “m’good, just allergies. cat’s shedding season.” you say with a straight face, looking towards the glasses you’re filling. not wanting to look harry in the eyes. because all you can think about is how he was intimate with olivia, and how he lied. your stomach already turns at the thought.

“take the allergy meds that doctor prescribed you a while ago. remember it works wonders.” harry smiles, setting yours and his plate down on the table as you come and set the glasses down.

harry makes it so damn hard to hate him sometimes. the fact that he remembers the little things has you in awe. but no, not right now y/n.

“mhm, i’ll call in to get those refilled.” you lie through your teeth, acting as if the allergies were the reason for your current state, “thanks for breakfast by the way, y’didn’t have to. my fault for waking up later than usual.” you say sitting down.

harry sitting across from you, senses a different feel to how you were yesterday. you seem a bit off now, and you were never like this in the mornings. he supposes you did have a late night and filled with allergies bothering you, so you’re probably not in the best mood.

he shrugs it off, “no need, i overstayed my visit on accident, and its the least i can do after you helped me with my little uh, situation,” harry giggles, sticking a strawberry in his mouth.

you give him a glare as he looks down. his situation he says. you wanted to laugh in his face.

it’s a silent breakfast from there. harry in his own thoughts thinking about last night. oh, how much he missed you. how much he wanted to cuddle with you. be sleeping in bed with you. waking up to your face. soft kisses throughout. he misses it so much. he senses and hopes you miss him too. he had a good feeling last night. and that’s when he decides he needs to say something. if he doesn’t speak now, he never will. now’s the perfect time. after his tour and new album, he’ll be taking a break. a break from everything. a break to spend time with family, friends, live privately, and hopefully settle down with you. now’s the perfect time to reconcile with you and put the offer out on the table.

“..so,” harry begins. you look up and see harry putting his utensils down, wiping his mouth with a napkin, getting ready to speak. “after the tour ends, i’ll be releasing my album, do some promo for that, and then i’ll be on a hiatus..for however long i’d want it to be..”

you can’t just have all feelings for him disappear in less than 24 hours. so when he said that, you can’t lie to yourself and not feel some happiness. yet, he still better not say what you think he’s gonna say. you’re still mad at him y/n. don’t do this to yourself.

“so what are you saying..” you hum.

“god y/n, you know what i’m about to say.” harry purses his lips and looks you in the eye, hands reaching out for yours, “i’m ready to settle down with you, if you’d have me back that is.” he says with a little smile and gleaming eyes.

the days prior from yesterday of you finding out, you would’ve have said yes. you would have breathed out a finally, and had a sense of relief.

but now it’s going to be a different outcome. he took advantage of your kindness and you giving him advice. he took advantage of your time. maybe dramatic, but that’s how you see it.

you’re mad. that slight happiness you got when he said he was taking a break is gone.

“s’not even like we have to be boyfriend and girlfriend for another period of time! we can go straight to fiancés! we already have trust in each other, i mean we only broke up because of my work. nothing else was to be fixed in the relationship! i’ll put a ring on it right now if i have’ta!”

harry rambling, saying some bullshit about trust, causes you to interrupt him, “harry-“ he still rambles but now about having kids. “stop.” you say, voice grew a little louder and more stern.

harry pauses, wide-eyed. sure he didn’t know how you were even feeling about this, but he was sure the love you two have was still there.

“trust?” you laugh in disbelief. “first off, you’re acting like we took a break. a halt in our relationship until you were ready to settle down. you should know that’s not the case. i’ve been patient throughout our relationship far too long for me to be waiting around on your terms.”

“y/n i-“ he interrupts.

“no, i’m talking. this whole ‘trust’ thing is gone. i’m sorry but last night i woke up in the living room to a text notification. i assumed it was my phone, and since we have the same phone cases, i happened to pick yours up and saw a text from who’s supposed to be your ‘pr stunt’? she’s wanting to hook up with you? again? jesus harry, you should know why i’m mad and upset that you’re saying you want me now. even before you said all this, right after seeing that text, i was mad because you lied to me. look, you of course didn’t have to share that you were intimate with her; but don’t make it seem as if you’re not into her at all. and making it seem like it’s the poor girl’s fault. acting as if she’s a nuisance wanting to be intimate or affectionate, cause clearly you wanted her as well.” you end your speech with a sigh, shaking your head. you take a sip of water, mouth dry from the little speech you said. you wait for him to come up with whatever amusing thing he can say to make it not sound as bad as it is.

harry’s startled. doesn’t know what to say. he saw the text when he woke up, but he told her that it wasn’t for him anymore, that he just wanted you, and it was nice in the moment, but they are after all, strictly just business buddies with a platonic friendship. she understood, she seemed a bit mad, but harry didn’t care. he just wanted to make sure there’s nothing in his way to get you back, and that those hookups he had with her were in the past. he’s going to try to fix this.

you speak up again in a calmer tone, “you didn’t care about my feelings,”

his face turns red. nerves rattling him.

“y/n i feel awful about it, know what i mean i-“

you cut him off. “you made me look really dumb, harry.” you say while lightly nodding your head in order to get him to understand.

he begins to speak again. “look i’ll be honest. i should’ve mentioned it yesterday, and m’sorry for that. i will admit, there was a physical attraction with her at the beginning of everything, and since we were broken up-“

you correct him, “are, broken up.”

his heart hurts when you say that, he nods, “yes, are broken up, i didn’t want to live with any regrets. i felt it was better to just experiment and to take advantage of being in the stunt, seeing if there’s a spark,” he takes a breath. “i would’ve regretted if i didn’t and it was better to do it at the time because i didn’t know if you would even take me back once i came home,” he keeps fidgeting with his feet under the table, nervous on what your response will be; but hopefully understanding. because you always were.

wrong. boy was he wrong.

“so..you still did it with the intention of coming back home, hoping to get back with me?” you caught him. “harry..what are you even saying?”

he gulped. fuck. this looks bad. he didn’t think things through, he thought. “look, you didn’t feel anything rushing back last night? everything that we had, and built together?” face even more red.

“yeah and then today..you slapped me across the face with a lie and embarrassed me.” you spat. “what’s wrong with you? you don’t have any respect for me.” shaking your head in disappointment. “and its such a let down considering if you hadn’t hooked up with her, i would’ve hopped right into your arms right when you said you wanted to settle.”

he regrets everything and anything right when you said those words. why did he hook up with her? god did he really think y/n was going to just be waiting around? of course he thought so. he always did. and that’s why you two were broken up.

he sighed, shaking his head as well, as he’s disappointed in himself. he was about to speak, but you beat him to it. “i’m not mad that you hooked up with her, i’m mad that you don’t have any respect for me. i’m mad about your intentions behind it. and the fact that you lied to me making it seem like olivia is the bad guy saying, ‘s’like she enjoys it!’” you repeat his words he said to last night, when he made it seem like he wasn’t into her. “and just the fact that i gave you meaningful advice because i care about you, once again, you embarrassed me. i feel dumb, harry.”

he feels dumb too.

you still didn’t let him speak, instead, you let him leave.

“something needs to change, harry. until then, please leave.” you say, getting up from the table walking hurriedly upstairs, eyes beginning to water, but you feeling satisfied that you listened to your own advice you gave to harry: stand your ground.

-

a/n: man really thought y/n would be waiting around for her. smh.

hope you guys enjoyed this part!! still deciding on whether to make a part 3 or not! don’t really know which way i want to go about it.

[ashdumpsterpile]

ASH’S TMA HURT/COMFORT/FLUFF REC LIST 

For the gays. (And @damcrows who’s been dead for the past 24 hours. Rest in peace babe. Read some gay fic. Deny the inevitability of canon. <3)

___

the end, but the start (of all things that are left to do)  by @ajkal2

Jon wakes up.

aka. mag200 tore out my heart

(Very smol, very short, very spoiler. Def recommend for anyone who just finished the podcast.)

remind me how to smile by @tamerofdarkstars

Jon is probably fine, just hiding out somewhere while the whole murder thing blows over and that's... fine. Martin is fine with that explanation. Really. He's got plenty to distract himself - like listening through the entire What the Ghost episode library, for example. Or watching Georgie Barker's Instagram livestreams.

(Yea this was in the last rec list, but you don’t understand THE ADMIRAL GIVES CUDDLES)

Chamomile by Dribbledscribbles

Whatever the ex-tea was, if it really had ever been that last bag of chamomile Martin claimed he’d found tucked in the back of the cupboard, it was fast now.

Martin had tried catching it, chasing it, blocking its way with shoebox lids and plates and an upended footstool, but the thing was just too quick. Jon knew as well as Knew that he might have left off the attempts completely if not for the creature’s preferred game.

The game was, See How Many Times I Can Push Martin Towards Cardiac Arrest Before He Comes at Me with The Broom.

(Scottish Honeymoon Era. Adorable and weird. A vampire gets harassed.)

hey stranger by @ennuijpg

It’s a late night Tesco run, how eventful could it be? It’s not like Martin is going to run into his boss who’s wearing something absurdly different from usual and get the most acute form of whiplash possible from seeing him, right?

(Martin runs into Jon at the grocery store and has an existential crisis.)

roses roses, roses. by @judesstfrancis

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses. 

(Canon enemies to friends to lovers au-ish. Martin POV. Very pining much sweet.)

go softly by doomcountry

And there is nothing else besides this. 

(More hurt/comfort than fluff. Scottish Honeymoon Era. Mild eye mutilation.)

Not Alone by @backofthebookshelf

After the coffin, Daisy and Jon are both fragile. They hold each other up. 

(Post-buried Jon&Daisy starter pack. Very hurt/comfort.)

trust my love by antlsepticeye

“you… you’re real, aren’t you?” jon whispers, the fog slowly dissipating from his mind. “it is not a trick?”

“i’m here,” martin says softly, reaching up to grab jon’s hand that was resting on his cheek, intertwining his fingers with jon’s and squeezing. he moves jon’s hand to martin’s chest, resting it over his heart. “you’re alright. i’m alright. take your time, love. let’s just take some deep breaths, okay?”

(TOUCHSTARVED JON HAS ENTERED THE CHAT.)

reaching out by Athina_Blaine

By the time things settled, when Martin had finally managed to crack through his cold shell, feel some of his old self returning to him in bits and pieces, they had found their little routine.

One that had the two of them sleeping in the same bed, making breakfast, going to the mart. Where Jon reached for his wrist while they slept, and Martin luxuriated in the gentle warmth of his fingers.  

But not one where Martin reached back. One that had Martin kissing Jon awake or taking his hand over the breakfast table, because ... Martin never had the courage to try. And then it never became a part of the routine.

And Martin desperately wanted it to be.

-

Martin and Jon have an important conversation.

(More Scottish Honeymoon Era for the soul. Hurt/comfort/fluff.)

Belabor by @janekfan​

Jon's given the position of Archivist and is falling apart at the seams. Tim and Sasha are upset and playing games. Elias is overbearing and manipulative.

And poor Martin is stuck cleaning up the mess.

(THEE first fic I ever read for tma. Season 1, hurt/comfort/fluff, and hints of Jmartin. janekfan is the absolute master of seasons 1-3 hurt/comfort. This is my favorite, but pls check out the rest of their fics.)

tea, blankets, and a damnable stubborn attitude by ivelostmyspectacles

“Are you really gonna stay here and pester Jon all evening?”

“I’m not pestering him,” Martin retorted, sounding vehement if not busy going through the cupboards. “I’m heating up soup.”

“Oh, you might as well make him another cup of tea while you’re at it.”

“Oh, good idea.”

Jon shot Tim a withering look.

(The one where Jon is ill, Martin makes tea and they watch doctor who together. Fluff 1000%.)

A Kind Hand by @voiceless-terror

Jonathan Sims was adjusting just fine, thank you very much.

In which a minor workplace spill causes Jon to realize that he might have friends.

(Ah yes, the other master of seasons 1-3 fic aka voiceless-terror being my other fav author in the fandom. This one is also season 1 hurt/comfort/fluff.)

A Weather In The Flesh by @cuttoothed

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

*

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

(More touched starved Jon! Much hurt/comfort!)

Something Old, Something New by @cirrus-grey

Months have passed, and everyone is doing better than they were. Daisy and Basira are getting married, Melanie is feeling her old self, Georgie is as much herself as she has ever been, and even Jon has stabilized on his wild fall away from humanity. Everyone is doing better.

Well. Almost everyone.

(Daisy/Barsira wedding! Melanie is a bitch and we love her! Jmartin dance! Post-canon (almost) everyone lives!)

The Weight of Love by @voiceless-terror

Jon is a restless sleeper. Martin attempts to adjust. 

(The fic where Jon is literally me and Martin attempts to sleep for 1k words.)

The Art of Conversation by @voiceless-terror

"Do you ever stop talking?"

Jon has a complicated relationship with words. Difficulties come and go.

(Jon has adhd and Martin is in love.)

Novelty by @backofthebookshelf

Jon experiences A Sexual Attraction; Martin has A Concern. They figure it out.

(Any fic that explores the ace spectrum is a 10/10. We stan all ace interpretations of jon on this blog.)

Half a Hug by Dathen

I know you weren’t going to hurt me, I trust you, he said again and again. And then a different kind of fear shone through, hollow and echoing: “Please don’t stop touching me."

-

Or: Life is hard when you're touch-starved but have trauma related to your closest friend.  Spoilers through TMA 132.

(Honestly bless every author who saw jon&daisy and was like. They’re siblings. No I will not elaborate.)

the loneliness never left me (but i can put it down in the pleasure of your company) by Athina_Blaine

It was about Martin making Jon feel safe, treasured, and loved. And it had been so, so long since anyone made him feel that way.

And, in the face of it all, Jon was starting to flounder.

(At this point I just need to make separate rec list for Scottish Honeymoon Era.)

you can watch me corrode by scarletfish

"So, how long have you been pulling this shit then?"

"I… excuse me?" Jon’s indignant, certain she can’t mean what he thinks she means.

"When was the last time you ate?"

(Georgie decides Jon and Melanie need a normal day off. Jon learns that he and Melanie have more in common than he thought.)

(Look, Melanie isn’t my favorite person in tma, but she and Jon are like THE SAME PERSON and I adore fics that elaborate on their relationship.)

Out of the Wind, In From the Cold by @ostentenacity

There are two bedrooms in the safehouse, and two beds.

For a moment, Jon considers asking to share, but decides against it with a wince. “I really loved you,” Martin had told him. Loved. Past tense. And Martin doesn’t exactly have a lot of choices right now in terms of company; it would be cruel to demand he play at feelings he no longer has just to make Jon happy.

(For a moment, Martin considers asking to share. But he dismisses the idea with a shake of his head. Jon has already done so much for him. Martin isn’t about to ask for more, especially not when it’s something he doesn’t really need. He has his right mind back, and he has Jon’s friendship. That should be enough for him. It’ll have to be.)

---

Jon thinks that Martin doesn’t love him. Martin thinks that Jon doesn’t love him. They do not, of course, discuss this. Unrequited love is already awkward enough, right? No need to dwell on it.

(THEE SCOTTISH HONEYMOON ERA FIC. IT’S ABOUT THE PINING, BEING MUTUALLY OBLIVIOUS AND FALLING IN LOVE. 10000/10.) 

I Do by @voiceless-terror

“I, um- this was supposed to be a lot more romantic, I swear.” Martin looks down at the dirty bar floor. “I had it all planned out, I-I was going to take you somewhere nice, and then we’d go for a walk in the square- I’ll still do it!” He hurries to explain, as if that’s the most pressing part of this situation. “It’ll be really nice, I’ve already hired a photographer-”

In a fit of protectiveness, Martin proposes to Jon.

(Everyone lives, Martin accidentally proposes and Jon is crying in public.) 

________

[wakaoujisenhime]

May I please request some angst with Kise being busy with basketball and modelling career neglecting his s/o? Additionally his s/o thinks he's cheating on them and just a big misunderstanding. Thank you very much 😊❤️

A/N: Even though I am quite late, happy Valentine’s Day! This actually got longer than I planned it to be, but I hope you’ll like it nonetheless! (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

Tags: Kise x reader ✅  angst ✅  fluff ✅

━━━━☆ ━━━━☆ ━━━━☆

Misunderstanding - Kise x reader

If someone had told you that you’d become the Kise Ryouta’s girlfriend some time ago, then you wouldn’t have believed it.

Kise was a young face everyone would’ve recognized if they had seen it somewhere in public. His blond hair was partially at fault for that as well, but the main reason for his immense popularity was his side job as a young model for different fashion and makeup brands. On top of that, he had been a part of the legendary Generation of Miracles, a group of six young and talented basketball players who each had an extraordinary and never-seen-before skill that could turn every game around. He was very fond of this sport and wished to steadily improve himself at every possible opportunity so of course, it was a given that he’d continue his training even after middle school.

Thinking about this handsome man and all of his achievements made you wonder just how lucky you were for being able to call him your boyfriend. You still couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that the two of you went to the same school and were in the same grade, but never mind that, what surprised you the most was the moment he’d asked to meet you and then sheepishly confessed his interest in you and the wish to be by your side as your boyfriend. It was such a surreal situation that you couldn’t help but nod throughout the entirety of it.

The two of you didn’t know each other that well at first so the process of finding out everything possible about the other was quite fun and really made both of you forget about the stressful part of your daily lives. At first, you had expected that Kise was your typical playboy who’d just confess to anyone who met his preferences, but as time went on you actually saw past those prejudices of yours and were pleasantly surprised at how different he was than what you had imagined. He was a very caring, gentle, and nice guy who’d do anything to see you smile and hear you laugh or giggle. He made you feel like you were the only person in the entire world and that there was no one else he’d rather spent his time with than you. The surprises he prepared for you on special days such as Valentine’s Day or your own birthday were mind-blowing as well.

You of course made sure to always return that amount of love you’d received and his adorable reactions were the reason you felt like you’d fallen in love with him yet another time.

Everything was working out perfectly and the two of you were as happy as can be, but life, unfortunately, likes to ruin perfect moments like these...

The two of you were now third-years and Kise was slowly starting to think about his future plans, so he began taking on more modeling gigs during his free days, some of these even overlapped with the days on which you had planned a date. You were pretty understanding at first and even told him that you didn’t mind, but as these date reschedulings began occurring every single time it really made you sad. In fact, you were so sad that as soon as Kise mentioned having an upcoming free day you simply nodded and whispered a silent ‘I see.’

Nevertheless, you kept on visiting him during his basketball club’s training sessions and watched him steadily improve his performance with each passing day. His bright smile after every basket made your heart throb and a couple of weeks ago you would’ve interpreted it as a positive feeling but now? It simply pained you. Negative thoughts flooded your mind and is if that wasn’t enough, a group of his fangirls stormed the field moments after the referee had blown his whistle three times.

“Kise-kun, please look this way!!“

“Kise! Can you please sign my t-shirt?“

“C-Can I have your number please!“

Sights like these weren’t uncommon and you were used to ignoring them, knowing that Kise wouldn’t do anything that might upset you or his fans, but as of late situations such as these annoyed you. You sighed, stood up, and left the gym.

“(Y/N)! Wait up!“

At the sound of the familiar voice of your best friend, you obeyed his plea, turning back to the young man who was running up to you.

“Yukio! What’s wrong?”

He stopped right before you, greeting you with a small smile as he rubbed the back of his neck in slight discomfort.

“Is...Is something bothering you? Or more like...has everything been alright as of late? N-No that’s not it...Do you-”

“There’s no need to beat around the bush Yukio and you know it,” you say with a small smile as you gently bump your fist against his arm, “just tell me what’s been bugging you.”

He sighs in relief and you see how some tension leaves his shoulders as he asks you a rather surprising question: “I’ve noticed the tension between Kise and you, so tell me...what’s up with that? Do I need to step in and help you out with something?”

Yukio was quite perceptive, especially when it came to your and Kise’s relationship, he always made sure to keep up with your well-being since he knew how carried away your blond boyfriend could get. If it were any other occasion, you would’ve told your best friend what had bothered you so much, but now that you reflected on it, it seemed a rather meaningless reason for you to be upset over so you just shook your head lightly and brushed it off. Your counterpart on the other hand just squinted his eyes in suspicion but decided to let it go for now.

“Just make sure to tell him if something is worrying you, ok? Remember, communication is the key to every relationship.”

And with those wise words, he bid you farewell and jogged back to the gym...

“Hey...(Y/N)-cchi? Would you like to go on a date next Saturday?”

“..? Excuse me?”

The two of you looked into each other’s eyes with equally surprised expressions and not short after you both burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry Kise, I just didn’t expect you to invite me on a date, that’s all.“

Your boyfriend sat down next to you and took your hand in his own, gently caressing each of your fingers as he let his eyes roam around your facial features. Looking at him being that deeply lost in thought made you wonder just what was going through his mind. Usually, he’d try and avoid dating you in public or when it was still daytime because of the potential rumors and scandals it might start, so you couldn’t help but wonder just what brought this sudden change. With a rather sad-looking smile, he brought your hands to his lips and gently kissed your knuckles, his action causing your cheeks to redden ever so slightly.

“Hehe, sorry (Y/N)-cchi, it’s just...we haven’t been able to spend much time together and I need to tell you something important as well, so I thought that a date might be the best solution for this...”

Nothing he’d just said sounded good to you. Kise was rarely a person who’d organize something according to things he’d like to tell or discuss with you so the idea alone was a massive red flag for you. And yet, you couldn’t ignore the seriousness with which he’d approached you, so despite the uneasy feeling that was building up within you, you put on your best fake smile and nodded.

——

“Oh my god did you read today’s news?“

Stop it...

“I just can’t believe it and here I thought that he was a down-to-earth type of guy!“

But he is, I swear!

“You guys are exaggerating! He’s a playboy, you can see that from a mile away!“

N-No, you’re wrong!

“Did you guys actually know that these were actually some long-term fans of his from way back when he first debuted?“

So what...? I’m sure there must be some backstory to this...

“They could’ve at least picked a better and more hidden-away location than a love hotel right at the center of Shinjuku...“

Maybe they had a photo shoot around that area!

“Ugh, he makes me sick...and to think that I shared my book with him once.”

Please don’t say that...

“I feel sorry for his managers and teammates. Who knows what these poor souls have to go through because of this.“

T-That’s一

No matter how many corners you turned, stairs you climbed, or rooms you entered, everyone was talking about the same thing: Kise. The moment you had woken up, your phone was full of notifications, questions, and missed calls, but before you could even comprehend what was going on, one particular message had caught your attention.

♡ : I’m sorry (Y/N)-cchi but I won’t be coming to school today. This is all just a big misunderstanding...trust me

It was then that you had noticed the big headline of your phone’s news app:

MODEL KISE RYOUTA CAUGHT RED-HANDED! IS ONE NOT ENOUGH? Steamy adventures in front of Shinjuku’s most famous love hotel!

It had been such a massive slap to the face, that the entire morning was foggy to you, reality hit you the moment you had stepped on school grounds.

Gossip. Rumors. Lies. Disgust. Aggression. Madness. Sadness.

No matter how hard you tried to avoid any ill-meant word from your classmates, you just couldn’t escape. Your belief in the man whom you called your beloved, the one who promised you that you’d always be the one in his eyes, the same one who swore that this endeavor was nothing but a misunderstanding, was starting to waver.

Suddenly everything started to make sense.

His distant behavior towards you, the increasing amount of modeling gigs he took on, your surprise visits during his training that he’d loved so much went unnoticed and that important topic he wanted to discuss with you on your next date. Everything.

You felt how all those negative feelings you had accumulated during these past few months started to come forth. Just as you were on the verge of tears and wanted to do nothing but fall to your knees, scream and cry you came across Moriyama and Yukio.

“(Y/N)! There you are! How long do you think I’ve been looking for you?!”

The tall man alongside your best friend was quick to notice that you were quite distraught and immediately took a hold of his captain’s shoulder and squeezed it slightly. You truly appreciated that these two were looking for you and intended to calm you down or encourage you to think positively and rationally about this, but right now you couldn’t manage to listen to their kind and caring words, so you apologized, thanked them, and headed straight towards the rooftop, the place where Kise had confessed to you.

As if on cue, your phone began vibrating and as you looked at the screen you saw that the incoming call was from no other than the man who’d been on your mind since the early morning.

“K-Kise...?”

“(Y/N)-cchi! Thank god, you picked up! I’m sorry for the short and sinister message this morning, but I had to clear some things with my managers first bef-“

“So your image was once again more important, huh?”

“W-What...?”

Before you could stop yourself from saying something you’d regret later, your mouth was unfortunately quicker.

“Lately I hardly recognize you, Kise, it’s as if you’ve become an entirely different person. First, you confess your love to me all sheepishly, blushing from head to toe, then you treat me like I’m the center of the world and the only reason you live for, but as of late you’ve been prioritizing your work more than our joint time. I tried to be understanding, I really did, but if you asked me out just so that you could fulfill some kind of goal and boast to whoever with it, then I’m really the wrong person for this.”

Nothing but silence came from the other end of the line, so you took this as a sign to continue.

“Listen, Kise, I don’t need nor expect you to adore me as if I’m some kind of deity, but I at least would like to know what the backstory to today’s tabloid news meant...and I sincerely hope that you aren’t going to trot out some lame excuse because I wouldn’t be able to handle it.“

“...(Y/N)“

“I’ll see you this Saturday Kise.“ you whispered as you ended the call without waiting for his answer.

——

You looked at yourself in the mirror, dreading what this date would mean for your future with the blond young man. The entire week-long you had deliberately avoided him in order to keep your thoughts as rational as you could and not let them get influenced by neither your feelings for him nor the supporting words of your friends. It was hard to ignore the guilty and worried stares he sent your way and whenever you saw the vicious glares others gave him, it really tugged at your heartstrings, but somehow you managed to withstand any possible temptation.

During the bus drive to the city center, you once again looked at the screenshot you took of the article that had caused you so much despair over the past few days. The blurry photo showed a tall blond man who was without a doubt Kise, trapping some girl whose face was covered by pixels between himself and the wall of the love hotel while the second one was pulling on his dark blue jacket, the same one which you had given him as his last year’s birthday present. Judging by the image alone it did look like Kise and the two girls were on their way to the rather flashy establishment, but your boyfriend couldn’t quite hold himself back and decided to start on the fun beforehand.

Cheating, huh...?

You bit your lip and thought about it. A famous and perky guy like him already had a stable fangirl club that followed him at each step so him feeling tempted during your time as a couple wouldn’t have surprised you in the slightest and yet it pained you so much that you could’ve started crying right then and there in front of all the other people that were sitting in the bus with you.

The city was brimming with people left and right, exiting and entering shops and restaurants. Today should’ve marked a happy occasion since it was the first public date the two of you had ever planned while the streetlights were still off. You had agreed to meet right in front of a small cafe that was close to the station and wasn’t one of the popular hangout spots so that you could at least have some sense of privacy. Each step you took fueled your anxiety of what was about to come and no matter how many deep breaths you took, you just couldn’t calm your raging heart down.

You finally saw a blond head sticking out among the crowd and just as you were about to raise your hand and wave to him, you halted. Kise was apparently not alone and had come alongside yet another girl who was constantly clinging to his arm, trying to get him to move.

“What did I even expect...?”

The crowd before you started to disappear and the two of them finally came into full view, but so did you. His yellow eyes met with your glassy ones and you could immediately see how regret and sorrow distorted his already distressed face.

“(Y/N)-cchi, wait...i-it’s not what it looks like..!”

You felt something warm fall down your cheeks and without paying it any mind you simply turned around and began walking back where you came from. Kise’s desperate calls for you to wait up were ignored and whenever his voice seemed too close to you, you sped up but he was too persistent. Despite the dense crowd you constantly walked amongst he never lost track of you.

(Y/N)-cchi! Please wait!

It’s all a misunderstanding, I promise you!

Listen to me, please!

(Y/N)!

You were trying to isolate his desperate pleas to such an extent that you hadn’t noticed the park you had just walked in. There were barely any people who strolled around this small yet beautiful piece of nature. The thought of elderly people walking their pets here, children running around and couples occupying the benches made you imagine just what excellent spot this would’ve been for a proper first date...

The young man behind you had used the time you were lost in thoughts to close the distance between you, but as soon as had returned from your small daydream and noticed how close he was to you, your body involuntarily urged you to run. And you did.

N-No, wait...!

You were fully aware of what you were doing, and you felt terrible for it. Kise’s leg had been injured for quite some time and he was told to not overdo it, which meant that he had to renounce running for most of the time so that he had enough energy and leg power left for his basketball matches.

And yet why..?

Why was he running after you as if his life depended on it? As if it was the last point his team needed for victory? Why?

You stopped sprinting and swiftly turned around. The man who had been an arm’s reach from you didn’t expect your sudden halt and collided with you, but luckily he caught you just before you lost your footing and pulled you towards his heaving chest. His trembling arms wrapped around your body and tightened their grip.

“Finally...”

The way he hugged you made all the wonderful and sweet memories of your life with him came up, leaving you with no other option but to return his embrace with the same amount of love.

“Kise...are you crazy? Why did you start running after me with your injured leg?” you asked after a short while and even though your question was intended to sound like a lecture, it ended up having a worrisome tone instead.

“This small amount of pain is nothing compared to the pain I made you feel these past few weeks.”

A small smile adorned your lips, but at the same time, you had to continuously think about all the things that had happened in this week alone, causing your smile to vanish almost immediately. You wanted answers and you needed them now.

“Kise, please...I want you to-“

“Explain. Yes, I know.” he interrupted and slowly backed up, looking you directly into your eyes.

After he’d taken hold of your hands, he began by defusing the situation that had transpired some mere seconds ago. The girl that was tugging on him was apparently a fan of his who’d drunk one too many beers. She’d unintentionally run into him and had almost lost her balance, but as caring as he was he held onto her and that’s when she had found out his true identity. Kise tried to keep her as silent and calm as possible, but that was easier said than done. The moment you had arrived was when she had started pulling his clothes, pleading him to come to her house and sign all of her merch.

“So about that article...on that day we had a photo shooting in Shinjuku and I was asked to take a break so I wandered about and that’s when two girls came from the love hotel. I wasn’t disguised so they immediately recognized me and tried to ask me out and whatnot. They were so persistent that I told them about you...they thought I was lying and then...”

You saw his sudden change in demeanor, his jaw muscles had tensed up and his grip on your hands was harder than earlier. Kise was rarely mad at something or someone, but what you saw before you, that anger and unspoken hatred were a first for the normally cheerful young man.

“They began insulting you, saying how you were together with me just because of my looks and nothing more. How dare they talk you down to their level? Just who do they think they are?!”

You expected any random excuse but seeing him get so worked up for your sake made your heart ache and now that you knew the backstory, the pictures made more sense. Your lover explained that he’d lost his temper and had pushed the girl who’d trash-talked you against the wall, warning her to keep her mouth shut before he really lost it. Meanwhile, her friend had tried to get him away from her by pulling on his jacket, and apparently, that’s when one of the passersby shot the photo. He took a short break after telling you that and then out of nowhere he brought his face closer to your own.

“(Y/N)-cchi...that’s not all. Do you remember our phone call when you told me that I’ve changed?“ he asked and waited for your confirmation before continuing, “...well the reason I didn’t call you first and had to deal with my manager is that we considered making my relationship with you public.”

“Wh-What...?“

“I’ve had enough of people trying to flirt with me and not believing when I say that I’ve found the perfect partner already. You see...graduation is just a few months away and after that I wanted to concentrate more on our relationship, hoping that maybe you’d like to...to live together with me.“

If you weren’t shocked enough before then his proposal just know had given you the finishing blow. Your heart was beating so fast and so loud that you feared he could’ve heard it.

“Was...was this the reason you took on so many jobs?”

He noded in embarrassment. “I wouldn’t feel confident enough to propose such an idea when it seems so far away and unrealistic, so I wanted to gain some sense of stability and independence before I asked you.”

Kise continued his explanation, but you didn’t catch most of it since you were so lost in your thoughts. The man before you had taken so many overtime shifts, had sacrificed so many of your dates, had gotten himself in a scandal for your sake, and yet here you were doubting him and doing something so childish like running away from him. You bit your lower lip and jumped into his arms, silently apologizing to your lover for your presumptuous behavior. He simply returned your embrace and kissed your temple.

Sometimes, misunderstandings such as these do have their benefits...

[wandasleftshoe]

Too Young Too Burn

Mobius x Female Reader

A/N: so my account was deleted lmao and this is a re-upload. this post was originally getting some likes so I decided to repost it, and hopefully this time my stuff doesn’t wack out. But for first time readers, this is my first ever fic lol! I was cracked out on nicotine and red bull when I wrote it, so it might be all over the place. alsooooo if any of u like this, I turned on my asks so feel free to request something! I’ll do any Marvel character, male/female/gender neutral, so feel free to ask lol turns out I enjoy writing

Word Count: 2.5k 

Triggers: bad language, kinda sort angst, a tragedy ending in suicide, death

It started off as a simple school boy crush.

She was a new member to the office, a new analyst that would train alongside Mobius, nothing was supposed to come of it but a friendly coworker relationship. (The only kind of relationship allowed in the office, the Time Lizards have sticks up their asses.) The first day he met her, she was in a standard TVA uniform, beige slacks and a button up shirt of another drab color. Though when she entered the room, an air of confidence came with her, sweeping him off his feet like something out of a Midgard fairytale. She was introduced to him as [y/n] [y/l], newest to the TVA’s section of analysts, preferring to study dangerous variants, much like himself. He was immediately taken by her attention to detail, he felt her eyes studying him the entire time his bosses boss introduced them to each other.

Her attention to detail, as mentioned before, was brought to his attention when she mentioned his hands fiddling with the hem of his blazer. She noted that he didn’t give off a nervous energy, but with the way his hands were going you would have thought that the boss had caught him doing something he wasn’t supposed to. As they continued their conversation, more and more was pointed out that he didn’t even notice himself; she seemed to be a perfect fit for his team.

Their first day consisted of standard paperwork and the general office tour, Mobius introduced her to his boss, Ravonna Renslayer, as well as a strew of other office members they pasted in the hall that Mobius could remember a name for. Let’s be real, he just rambled on so that he could try to forget how kindly she smiled at him and how her eyes twinkled when talking about the job at hand. He thought if he could get past the first day and the excitement of gaining a new coworker, the odd feeling creeping into his heart would go away.

As the day went on and he got to know his new coworker better, he believed the relationship would grow into an unstoppable workforce bond. As the nice coworker he is and to start this unstoppable force off right, he offered to buy her dinner at a restaurant not far from the office (totally not to hang out with her for a little while longer). The time they spent both at the office and eating dinner, Mobius couldn’t quite help but find this new girl fascinating and for lack of a better term, lovely.

But it was just a school boy crush, right?

Time went on, sooner rather than later, Mobius and [y/n] found themselves working together quite often on cases. New cases left and right, most of them being Loki variants, surprise surprise. The more difficult they grew, the more time Mobius spent with the (not so) new girl. Between late nights in the office and many almost death situations, the two found themselves becoming close friends amongst the sea of the neverending bureaucracy. Though still as before, he felt that odd feeling in his heart growing stronger each time she brought him his coffee just the way he liked it or added fuel to his jetski fantasies.

What solidified that feeling in his chest was the night he and [y/n] went on a smaller mission by themselves, July 29th, 1890.

It was a clear night, though somber, both knowing what was supposed to happen. The air was warm and the moon was shining bright over the quiet fields of Auvers-sur-Oise. No, they weren’t looking for a variant of Vincent, he did indeed die tragically in this nexus event. No, no, they were looking for the person who burned all of his paintings in a rage, hence throwing off the timeline. Without the paintings, no memory of Van Gogh would be left for the future, and that’s not how the Time Lizards wanted it to be. So they were there, under the melancholy skies of France.

It was taking longer than planned, they ended up having to spend the night in an old cabin near the edge of the old town. A slow fire burned in the den of the cabin where [y/n] was reading, while Mobius was trying to find some sort of food to keep the two of them from going to bed with their stomachs rumbling. To no avail, there was nothing in the abandoned cabin so he gave in and entered the den of the cabin. There, he was met with the serene and abnormally domestic [y/n] in front of him. Usually the new girl was like a chicken with it’s head cut off; running around the office to put her wild theories to the test or just the general hectic vibe that went along with their job that made her hair stick out on all sides of her head from her running her hands through it in frustration. But this scene sitting quietly in front of him was something he didn’t know he wanted in his life. She was sitting on the ancient furniture with a book in her hands, hair down and surrounding her face in a way that made his heart palpitate. She was relaxed for once, not an ounce of stress weighing on her shoulders as she immersed herself in the world of whatever book she found on the old shelves. He could even see that her work shirt was untucked and her shoes were off, showing off her mix matched socks. He didn’t even know mix matched socks were a thing, but she pulled them off perfectly.

She looked up when he hadn’t said anything for a solid 4 and a half minutes, he was too busy taking in the scene in front of him to notice he was just open mouth staring at her. It didn’t bother her really, though silence with Mobius around was quite unheard of, so she filled it.

“Suis-je trop vieux pour alimenter cette passion et la laisser me consumer - ou suis-je encore trop jeune pour savoir quels dommages cela fera?”

“I’m sorry, w-what?”

“Am I too old to throw fuel onto this passion and let it consume me — or am I still too young to know what damage that will do?” She said again, in english this time. She knew he could understand her, everyone in the TVA could speak and understand a multitude of languages. She just wanted to see what his reaction would be when she said it to him. “It’s a quote from this diary. The person who wrote it was in their mid 20s when they did this entry, they’re writing of their partner. They were in love, but poor and couldn’t afford to be married. The writer got an offer to marry into a wealthy family, but they turned it down, hoping for everything to work out in the end.”

The explanation of the words she spoke before hit Mobius a little harder than they should have, the author of the diary was caught between a rock and hard place. Much like he found himself in right now, even if he refused to believe it before tonight. Seeing the domestic life he could have right in front of him made his head spin, his heart hurt, and his love for his job lessen a bit. He was grateful to the Time Lizards for creating him, for giving him the life he has in the TVA, but seeing what life could be like on Earth startled him. He didn’t know he wanted it until it was right in front of him, taunting him like a cat chasing a laser light. A life on Earth, with the girl sitting right in front of him; that was all he wanted. Jetski be damned (not really, he would love to have a jetski alongside this lifestyle). Even if he couldn’t live a normal life on the Sacred Timeline, he wanted to be with her. After all this time getting to know her and the little details of her soul between official meetings and paperwork piles, he finally realized what that feeling was in this moment.

But he knew it could never happen. Not here, not in the TVA. It simply wasn’t allowed. So he swallowed his feelings, but he never forgot that sweet, peaceful night. They talked, laughed, and even cried together that night, both of them tucking that memory in their hearts and reliving it in times when they most missed the feeling they didn’t know they could miss.

Again, time passed from that night in France, they did eventually catch the variant and reset the timeline. After, they only grew closer as the late nighter grew later and newer, tougher missions appeared on their radar. Their biggest being the Loki variant killing more and more Minute Men, and the case was beginning to take a turn. They brought in a new Loki variant, one front 2012 just after the attack on New York. He was cunning and a very good liar, but he grew on both Mobius and [y/n]. It wasn’t long before they actually found the dangerous Loki variant with 2012 Loki on their side, but he betrayed them and followed the other Loki into the portal, losing both a friend and a lead.

This devastated Mobius, it was his last chance to prove to the Time Lizards that their Loki could be trusted, that he was changing and doing good for the TVA. But he’s a Loki, and they all should have guessed something was going to happen. But they guessed what would happen next.

They found the two variants, out of sheer luck in the Lamentis apocalypse. When both were brought in, it wasn't long before all hell let loose. Mobius found out the TVA was actually just made up of variants, they were all variants, and none of this was what it had been told to them. It was all lies. At first it gutted him, he didn’t believe Loki, but after some snooping, he found out they weren’t lying. Then, hope sparked in his chest. Life without the TVA meant, eventually, he could live out his domestic dream. With the girl of his dreams, [y/n].

With the (fragile) trust in Loki and hope in his heart for a new life with [y/n], he flew into action. He busted Loki out of the loop he had originally put him in, and swapping his Tempad with Renslayer, he now had the proof that Loki was telling the truth. With this renewed faith in his friend, he was going to expose the truth to everyone. They had a right to know, they had a right to their former memories. They had a right to free will.

Only, he didn’t get that far. Suddenly, he and Loki were being escorted to Renslayers office. If there’s one thing about Mobius, he had good intuition, and the feeling he had in his gut was telling him something was very wrong. Of course Renslayer knew he switched their Tempads, he knew he wouldn’t have much time, but it felt like only a matter of minutes before he was caught. He didn’t even have time to go find [y/n] and explain to her what was going on, he didn’t have time to tell her his feelings, and he knew he was going to get pruned if Renslayer found out before he could spread the truth.

But once he stepped into Renslayer’s office, the feeling in his gut froze, sending goosebumps all over his body.

Not only were he and Loki standing in the middle of her office, but so was [y/n]. She was thrashing against G-17, who had her in a chokehold. The scene made his blood boil, [y/n] had no idea what was going on, she was innocent. The thought of anything happening to her gutted him, he wasn’t going to let that happen.

“I uh, I think I grabbed yours by mistake,” he starts out, trying to get out of this smoothly, but he knew Renslayer was going to take that obvious lie, he was no god of mischief. She gave him a cold look that only the devil himself could forge, and ordered D-90 to take the Tempad from him, shaking her head at Mobius in disappointment.

“Mobius, what’s going on?” [y/n] asked, her voice wasn’t faltering, but her usually confident demeanor was gone. She was worried, she knew something bad was going to happen, she knew something was going on with the two variants, it just hadn’t been disclosed how fucked the situation was. All Mobius wanted to do was take her away from this place and tell her what she meant to him. Before anything could happen to him.

“Tell her, Mobius. Tell her how you’ve betrayed the TVA and joined forces with the two Loki Variants. Tell her how you betrayed her trust,” Renslayer says with a silver tongue, looking coldly at not only Loki (the usual) but also Mobius, a look he’s never received from her before on any other occasion than a joke. He could feel his time ticking away, he could only stall so much and there was nothing left to stall. All he had was the truth.

“Look, [y/n], they’re all lying to us. We’re all variants, all of us, they took us from the Timeline. This place- this place isn’t what we think it is.” He says, begging her with his voice to believe him. In all the time they’ve known each other, this is the first time he’s begged her. Though he didn’t need to, [y/n] trusted Mobius with her whole being. Time and time again, she’s saved his ass and he hers. They were bonded in a way she didn’t know was humanly possible, she knew he wouldn’t lie to her. She felt it in her soul he was telling the truth.

“I believe you.” Her voice was soft, even in this terrifying moment, she still found a way to calm him with a gentle smile even as she was being held by the throat.

But that was all taken away when he saw the pointed end of the pruning stick going through her. A guttural roar that escaped him was animalistic, loud enough that surely the entirety of the TVA heard it. Her body was thrown to the ground by D-90, and it took every Minute Men in the room to hold Mobius back from Renslayer. That was it, his whole future ripped away from him right before his eyes, and he didn’t even get to tell her every secret feeling he held for her. No promises of the future they could have together without the TVA. There was nothing left.

He didn’t even hear Renslayer telling one of the Minute Men to prune him through his weeping, and before he knew it, a searing pain took over him.

[hermit-pistol]

Leone Abbacchio Fluff Alphabet:

And with that, the 600 follower special is concluded! I know that they took me forever to finish but I hope that you enjoyed reading them! Please like and reblog to show love, and read some Abbacchio fluff under the cut:

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Abbacchio enjoys the simplicity of doing nothing and going nowhere. Honestly, some of his favorite activities that you do together take place in the courtesy of your own home. Don't get it twisted though, he still will take you out for the occasional meal and show you a good time!

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He admires your ability to stay calm. Other people he has known in the past would tend to annoy him with how high strung they were. He much rather prefers a partner that he can sit in comfortable silence with, and can just go with the flow of everything.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Abbacchio, to be fair, has had his own fair share of emotional baggage, so he knows what you're experiencing all too well. Thankfully, he also knows how to overcome the situation when these feelings grow to be too much. He'll whisper words and phrases of affirmation, assuring them that everything will be okay and that he will always be there for them.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

His vision of the future is very uncertain, and in all fairness, he couldn't even believe that he'd made it this far in his life. His previous career as an officer and currently being in the mafia were certainly not considered "safe" jobs. He does want a future with you though, no matter how risky the job. He just won't think too far ahead.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Abbacchio is very passive aggressive. He'll be very lenient when it comes to making decisions in the relationship but can obviously step it up if needed. Most of the decision making will be in the hands of his partner for sure.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

He bottles things up until they explode at the surface. He'll yell and most likely something will come out harsher than intended, this ends up with him being in a position where he has some serious explaining to do. Things will work out eventually, but things might be rough for a while.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

He loves you for showing him that living wasn't all that bad to begin with. Life hasn't been very kind to him and you know that. When he's having very low moments, you remind him of his team and you who both love him very much. You are one of the only reasons that he keeps on going.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Getting Abbacchio to open up and speak about the things that he's experienced in this lifetime will take a lot of coaxing and convincing. In time, he'll tell you when he's ready, but for a good while he'll be very selective with what he wants to share with you. Only when the time comes and he feels that you're worthy of knowing will he come clean. Be ready.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

He has a hard time seeing the positives of a situation, and before he met you, he was truly unhappy with his life. It took him so many years to learn that seeing things from a different, more optimistic point of view really made a huge difference. He thanks you for opening him up to new experiences.

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Abbacchio does not mess around when it comes to you getting attention from other people. He may appear passive at first, but he’s had an eye on the two of you this whole time, don’t worry. If things get out of hand, he’ll just drag you out of there so fast you won’t even have time to process what just happened.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Abbacchio is a very rough kisser, to the point where you have to remind him not to leave marks on your lips. There's a time and a place for everything, but it takes some reminders to let him know that a simple showing of affection shouldn't result in your face being all but ripped off. Other than that, he's got quite the natural talent.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

The funny thing that sets Abbacchio apart from the others is that he won't outright tell you that he loves you. He very much so believes in the concept of tough love, and even though he can be unbearable at some points, it's very rarely that he verbally expresses that he loves you. It's rather expressed in the actions that he does.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

He's going to wait for ages until he pops the question, so long in fact that you had thought about proposing to him just to get it over with. He'll ask for the help of his team to put the wedding together since he doesn't have much to work with in terms of family. When it's all said and done, he'll totally have to fight the urge to break down into tears when he sees you walking down the aisle. You just look so beautiful!

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

Abbaccchio really doesn't need nicknames, unless you ask him to call you something specific. If not, he's content with referring to you by your name. After all, it is the most sincere form of flattery as they say.😳

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Only a few people can tell that something is up with Abbacchio (mainly, Bruno and Fugo) and once they figure out what's going on with their teammate they can't help but smile. They'll leave teasing out of it because they know that the others might go too far, but whenever you enter a room they share a knowing glance as they watch him clam up on the spot.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

He's not very fond of showing his affection in public, and sometimes this really gets on your nerves. There are times where he doesn't even feel comfortable holding hands with you, but you try to respect his wishes. You know that he's just a little awkward and shy when it comes to these things and that his actions in the outside world are completely different compared to when you share alone time.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

(I know this might be one you guys have heard of before but it can't leave my brain so-) Abbacchio can sing, and he can sing quite well. But he will never do so in front of people, and even in front of you. The only times that you can hear him is when he thinks that you have left for the store and sneaks into the bathroom. One time you had your ear pressed against the door so hard that it accidentally opened. He was holding a hairbrush like a microphone and was less than pleased that you had found him.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

It may not seem like it, but Abbacchio can be quite romantic. When the two of you are alone he might offer to give you a massage or might shower you in kisses of his own accord. Both of those might end up leading to something else, of course ;)

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

He will always make sure to make sure that you have complete confidence in whatever you decide to pursue. If you succeed, then he will be the proudest man you've ever seen. Even if you experience some shortcomings he'll encourage you to keep trying and re-adjust your goals so they can be more attainable.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Abbacchio doesn't really come across as the type of person that's spontaneous. While he doesn't like surprises, whenever he does have a nice gesture planned he wants to make sure that you're prepared for (possibly) one of the best days of your life. He hypes it up in subtle ways like "Pack your bags" and "Make sure to bring your swimsuit". 😉

U nderstanding - How well do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Don't let his emotional unavailability at times fool you, for he can understand your emotions quite well. He'll pay attention to details that could decipher your moods, like the slam of a door or heavy sighs as you shuffle your feet into the living room. Of course, he'll ask you how to make you feel better, but he secretly prides himself on his awareness when it comes to you.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

Abbacchio isn't the best at maintaining relationships with people, unless they're very special to him. You are easily one of the best things that's ever happened to him, and if you weren't in his life he'd be extra grumpy and then some. You are his rock, and he cherishes you every single day the two of you are together.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

When the two of you aren't busy, you insist on having a "couple's night" which consists of watching a movie together. He’s a bit of a “fun killer” when it comes to having a movie night, turning down almost every idea and suggestion that you have. You eventually decide on a basic horror movie, with Abbacchio grumbling through it the whole time. He does enjoy when you cling to him during the scary parts, though.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

Abbacchio can be affectionate when he wants to be (only when you’re ALONE). There are times when he doesn't want to be in the same room as you, and then others when he's clinging to you no matter how hard you try to escape. Catch him in a good mood and he'll even nuzzle his head into the crook of your neck.

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Whenever you've been away for a bit, Abbacchio will seemingly be unfazed by your lack of presence, almost to the point where it bothers you. Your man really doesn't show that many emotions, huh. When you walk through the door; however, he'll be there in the doorway ready to greet you and wrap you in a giant hug. You smile, knowing that he secretly missed you after all.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

He's not the type of guy to give gifts or do anything extravagant outside of special occasions. If you're having a bad day he will bring you dinner and listen to you vent. If you're the one, he's willing to go the extra mile in maintaining the relationship and wanting to keep you as happy as possible.

[piracytheorist]

A ridiculously needed defense of Mia Winters

(and I say ridiculously because I don't particularly care for her as a character. But I care for Ethan, and I care that he went through so much shit to save her and never gave up or even thought to, so by extension Mia needs to make sense to me so I need to have a clear image of her in my mind to justify Ethan's ridiculously brave actions in re7, and his devotion to her in re8. But also because my experience watching the show Once Upon a Time and engaging with its fandom has taught me to not hate on characters when they're not fully fleshed out and their bad actions are not adequately explained, especially when said characters are women written by men. And considering that Ethan himself is not fully fleshed out in re7 either, it's no wonder Mia's character is suffering)

So. I'm not here to tell people they're wrong to hate or even just dislike or distrust Mia. That's not my point. But if you do continue to read after the title, you're checking in on your own accord. And my main gripe with people hating on Mia is that they seem to dislike her character when the game itself didn't give much of a good basis on her character in the first place. So yeah, being a woman myself and having seen how fandoms work, I do tend to get a little pissed when people (no matter their gender) are so ready to hate on female characters for no good reason.

Now, I'm not saying Mia is a saint, far from it. RE7 makes clear she holds a lot of the responsibility for what happened, and she even accepts that. But she's also been given redeeming qualities, if you're willing to look for them.

The first glimpse we get of Mia is of her sending a happy message to Ethan, then immediately after we see her admit her wrong and warn him to stay away from her. There's a reason we even get the second video, and that's called setting. The writers wanted Mia to be shown as protective over Ethan while also accepting responsibility from the very first moment - and it's something that repeats itself when we do find her. She apparently has no idea she asked Ethan to come, she self-harms in an effort to stop hurting him, and even through Eveline's control she manages to tell him to leave her.

(like idk why people take lightly the fact that she fucking banged her head on a wall, giving herself a concussion, all in an effort to protect Ethan from what she knew she had turned into but leave it to a fandom to underplay self-harm I guess)

But that's only from the beginning, and from the confused POV of Ethan and a first time player. In Mia's flashback, we see that she'd been given orders that should Eveline get out of control, she had to be eliminated. Now, Eveline had grown fond of Mia, and she was super powerful herself. Taking a powerful being on your side and using them to be on top? That's a super villain origin story if I ever heard one. But Mia doesn't even consider it, from the first moment that civilians are getting in danger, she's ready to eliminate Eveline.

And that's when the first holes start appearing. For what kinds of wars did Mia know that Eveline was made for? How long had she been working with The Connections? Was it before or after marrying Ethan? How did they approach her? How did they know she'd be okay with making a bioweapon to assist in wars? And as herself, how deep was she willing to go in terms of human experimentation?

That's all stuff we have no way of knowing, and frankly any answer, from one extreme to the other, can be assumed. For all we know The Connections approached her, and before she had even realized she was assisting them in creating Eveline. So in general I feel it's kinda unbased to jump on the Mia Hating Train so easily when there's so much missing from the whole story.

Though again, I’m not here to tell people what to like and what not to like. It’s just that I feel there’s a bit too much focus on how Mia is such a horrible person and the true villain of the story and like, it’s getting super tiring, entering fandoms and seeing people being so fucking pissed at some characters. Like, ok. You can’t like everything. But it feels like some people are trying to make that everyone else’s problem.

And the victim blaming is not helping, either. People say all of what happened in re8 is Mia’s fault because she didn’t tell Ethan the truth about what he is, and like. Are we fucking serious. Like I see people call Chris dumb for not explaining the story to Ethan from the beginning, and how it could’ve made things much more simpler if he had, but I don’t think I’ve seen anyone call him the villain of the story (if anything because without him being cryptic we wouldn’t have had the story in the first place). He had his reasons to be cryptic, and if you pause your hate train for a moment, you’ll realize Mia had her reasons as well. We don’t know how long she knew that Ethan was all mold - she wasn’t even conscious during the moment Jack killed Ethan in the first place to see how serious the injury was. For all we knew she only noticed while being pregnant with Rose, or after she was born - so we can’t really blame her for not speaking up. If anything, considering she did realize it and still she stayed with him and knew he and his feelings mattered (”We matter, Ethan! You matter!”) is a big thing. She also seemed to want to tell him, but like, how do you even begin such a discussion? Ethan also saw that she was troubled; you can’t convince me that they were like this, with Ethan knowing she was holding something from him, and Mia knowing and knowingly having a child with him who would definitely be infected by Mold, for three fucking years.

Like at some point you start going like “They can’t have shown us such a fucking toxic relationship and expected us to feel sad for Mia at the end.” But like, people do believe that yes they intended them to be so toxic and Mia to be such a horrible person and for us to just shrug at it, so of course they would blame everything on Mia and not like, idk, Miranda, who was actually the one actively harming the entire Winters family. Or that Rose getting kidnapped was because Mia had been working with The Connections, and that’s how Miranda found out about her, and I’m like, y’all can’t separate butterfly effect from actual blame, can you? Ethan and Mia decided to have a kid two whole years after the Baker incident - when they felt they were safe, on the clear from whatever could be chasing them. They were on witness protection, the newspaper Ethan looks at in the beginning says that Ethan and Mia’s whereabouts are unknown; they were understandably feeling safe to move on with their lives, until someone from The Connections found where Mia was, and through them Miranda was able to learn about Rose. That’s an entirely different concept from Mia being careless or carrying the entire blame for Rose getting kidnapped or Ethan being self-sacrificingly determined to save her. But of course, let’s hate on Mia and then seriously ship Ethan with the villains because they have redeeming qualities and Mia doesn’t ig

I don’t know. Maybe I’m a bit too jumpy of people hating on female characters. But on the other hand, it says a lot that I don’t really care much for Mia or her character, so it’s not like I feel defensive because my fave is receiving hate. If anything, Ethan is my fave, he gets much more uncalled-for hate and I just shrug that off because who gives a fuck about them haters right. But with Ethan... I feel that the hate he receives is mostly because he subverted expectations; he’s not your average trained badass who knows what he’s doing and remains calm through anxious situations, he’s the exact opposite, and people hate on him for not being the former like... you’re missing the entire point of Ethan purposefully being clueless, panicking, saying cringy-ass quips, and honestly, your fucking loss lmao. With Mia, it feels like people choose to see the worst in her when there aren’t too many things to see. And knowing stuff about the world of gaming, it’s fucking telling. In the world of fandom, that’s just fucking annoying. I hate stuff too. But after a certain point you learn to not make your biases everybody else’s problem. Or at least you should. What would I know, being here hoping fandoms could be calmer places.

[izzyfandoms]

Buy One, Get Six Free

(Thomas and Remy have been together for a while now, and it’s going well, but there’s one problem. Remy doesn’t know that Thomas has sides. 

What happens when Thomas finally tells him the truth? How will Remy react? And will Remy love the sides as much as they love him?)

SHIPS: Sleepmas, Losleep, Sleepality, Rosleep, Sleepxiety, Sleepceit, Dukesleep

WARNINGS: Sympathetic Deceit, Sympathetic Remus, Remus says some mildly sexual/gory things but nothing actually happens

TAGLIST: @quillfics42 @ajdraws0430 @phantomofthesanderssides @creativity-killed-thekitten @phlying-squirrel @sly-is-my-name-loving-is-my-game @because-were-fam-ily @imtryingthisout @a-creepycookie @emo-disaster @littlestr @spooky-scary-virgil @fuyel @mimsidoodles @soupgromlin

Masterpost

Thomas bit his lip, pacing back and forth across the living room floor and wringing his hands. He routinely checked the clock, watching the seconds tick by, getting closer and closer to 2pm. His stomach filled with dread as the sides all watched him walk, a strange mixture of excitement, neutrality, and downright terror.

“Okay… but, like, what if he freaks out?” Virgil spoke up suddenly. “This is a bad idea, one of the worst ideas we’ve ever had. Why are we doing this? We’re just gonna ruin everything. He’s gonna think we’re super weird and dump Thomas immediately, and then we’ll be alone forever.”

Thomas made a pained sound, as did Roman, and Logan sighed.

“Virgil, we don’t know that,” He said calmly. “And, based on prior behaviour, I doubt Remy will react like that. It is more likely that he’ll be confused than anything else. Besides, communication is a necessity in any long-term relationship, it would be unhealthy to keep this from him for much longer.”

Patton nodded eagerly. “Yeah, and Remy loves Thomas, he’s not gonna leave him just ‘cos of this!”

Virgil didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t say anything else, silently chewing his thumb as he sat at the foot of the stairs.

“Do you think he’ll wanna fuck us, too?” Remus grinned, practically bouncing up and down on the spot, and Roman gasped beside him, kicking his brother in the shin.

“Don’t be crude, oh, evil twin of mine, we should focus on the romance!” Roman said. “And, besides, you’re the ugly one, anyway.”

Before this could escalate into a full-on brawl – which it likely would have, given how most arguments with the twins turned out – Deceit intervened, two extra arms appearing at his waist, stretching out and pushing the brothers apart. Fortunately, Thomas was too busy stressing out to notice, or he might have actually thrown up.

All of a sudden, they heard a knock at the door – three raps, and then the doorbell rang.

It was Remy.

Logan straightened up, adjusting his tie. “We’re sticking to the plan,” He said, leaving no room for disagreement. “We’ll all sink out, and then, when Thomas cues us, I will appear, and we will explain the situation to Remy. If he is agreeable, Patton can appear, too, and possibly Roman. We do not want to overwhelm him.”

The doorbell rang again, and Thomas rushed over to the door. He looked back at his sides, watching them all sink out – some wishing him good luck, but most just disappearing without a word – before opening it, and coming face-to-face with his boyfriend.

“’Sup, babe,” Remy greeted, before his brow pinched together, and he tilted his head. “You look stressed. You good?”

“Yup!” Thomas answered, his voice just a little too high, and not convincing either of them.

Remy nodded slowly. “Uh huh… sure. You wanna talk about it?”

“Later.”

His boyfriend didn’t look like he believed that, either, despite it being the honest truth, but he didn’t press, instead lifting the two to-go cups in his hands.

“I brought coffee.”

Thomas smiled genuinely as Remy handed him the cup, taking a large sip with a content sigh, and stepping to the side so his boyfriend could enter the apartment. There were a few moments of silence, and that was when Thomas noticed that Remy was staring at him.

“What?”

Remy let out an exaggerated gasp. “Wow, I’m out here looking like a snack and you’re just not going to kiss me? Rude.”

Thomas couldn’t help but laugh, leaning down and pecking his (short) boyfriend on the lips. When he pulled back, Remy gave him one of those soft smiles that made his heart do cartwheels in his chest (and maybe Patton was doing cartwheels in the mindscape, too, there was really no way to tell).

Remy took Thomas’s hand, tracing random shapes across his palm with his finger.  

“So,” He began. “Are you gonna tell me what’s up, or am I gonna have to guess?”

Thomas tried not to panic and freeze at the question, he really did, but Remy noticed anyway, looking back up at him with concern.

“I need to tell you something,” Thomas admitted. “It’s nothing bad, it’s just… there’s something about me that you need to know, and you’re probably gonna want to sit down for this.”

He led Remy over to the couch, and they both sat down.

“I, uh…” Thomas trailed off. He sighed; this was going to be hard to explain. “Just- um…”  

He waved his hand, deciding to just rip off the band-aid, without any preamble, and Logan rose up in his usual spot. Remy jolted so hard he almost fell off the sofa, and Thomas only just managed to catch his sunglasses in time, as they’d slipped right off his face. He tried to hand them back, but Remy wasn’t paying attention to him, instead, he was staring at Logan, wide-eyed and perplexed.

After a moment or two, Remy began to look back and forth between Thomas and Logan, as if comparing them, and they waited patiently for him to finish.

“Okay, uh…” Remy said, running his fingers through his hair, messing it up even further. “What?”

Thomas wanted to fix it for him, to pull him close and reassure him that he wasn’t insane, but he was worried that Remy wouldn’t react well, so he resorted to just staring at him instead.

“I am Logan, it is nice to finally meet you,” Logan introduced himself, stepping forward and holding out his hand for Remy to shake.

Remy did so almost immediately, wanting to check if Logan was really there, and looking rather startled when he realised that he was, in fact, real. His hand was soft, just like Thomas’s, though a little bit cooler, and Remy’s touch lingered as he found himself wanting to just keep holding that hand and never let go (like he often felt with Thomas).

Logan’s face had turned pink by the time that Remy pulled away, and he cleared his throat in an attempt to regain his composure.

“I am one of Thomas’s sides, the physical representation of his logical thinking and knowledge.”

Remy nodded along as if he understood. “Uh huh, okay… what does that mean?”

“I’ve found that comparing our situation to that of Riley’s in the movie ‘Inside Out’ is the easiest way to explain it to others,” Logan explained. “Just, instead of emotions, we represent more complex concepts such as Logic, Morality and Creativity.”

“Is that why you made me watch Inside Out with you last week?” Remy glanced at Thomas, and his boyfriend gave him a slightly sheepish smile and a nod.

“You’re taking this remarkably well,” Thomas commented.

Remy shrugged. “This isn’t the craziest shit I’ve ever seen.”

“It isn’t?”

“I’ll tell you ‘bout it later, babe,” Remy said, patting Thomas’s arm. “So, how many sides are there?”

Logan took a step closer. “Right now, there are six of u-”

Before he could finish that sentence, both Patton and Roman popped up in their usual spots, making Remy jump, though he didn’t look nearly as startled as he had when Logan had first appeared. They both looked ecstatic, and, frankly, lovestruck.

“Hi, I’m Patton!”  

Patton looked like he wanted to hug Remy – and he did, desperately – but he didn’t want to overwhelm him, so he stayed by the curtains. Roman, apparently, had no such qualms, rushing forward and taking Remy’s hands in his own. This was the first time he was seeing Remy with his own two eyes (not just through Thomas’s), and he was too gay to think straight.

“Oh, my stars, you’re gorgeous!” Roman breathed, and, before he could stop himself, he continued with: “I’m in love with you.”

For a moment, Remy looked surprised, and then his expression melted into the soft smile that he usually reserved just for Thomas. In any other situation, Remy looking at someone else like that would have made Thomas feel jealous, but Roman wasn’t really ‘someone else’, was he? He was a part of Thomas, and if Remy could love Thomas as a whole, which he did, very much, he could love all his different parts, too.

Things were going to be okay.

***

“I do not have any feelings or emotions; I am only in a relationship with you because Thomas is. It just makes logical sense,” Logan said matter-of-factly, adjusting his glasses.

“Sure,” Remy said. “Does that mean you want me to get out of your lap?”

Logan instantly tightened his grip around Remy’s waist, pulling him closer. “Of course not.”

Remy smirked, tilting his head up to look at him. “Aww, does that mean you love me?”

“I do not feel love.”

Remy pouted, and, even though Logan knew it was fake, he still immediately had the urge to take it back, so the smile that he adored would return.

“Okay, fine, I love you,” He admitted.

One of Remy’s hands reached up to carefully cradle Logan’s face, the other resting in the centre of his chest, over his tie – ready to, at any moment, use it to pull Logan closer and capture his lips in a kiss, as he often did.

“I love you, too,” Remy smiled. “My shooting star.”

Logan’s cheeks reddened at the nickname – just like he knew they would – and Remy’s smile widened.

“You’re adorable,” He said.

“Falsehood.”  

“You are,” Remy insisted, sitting up straighter so they were almost nose-to-nose, bumping Logan’s glasses. “You.” Kiss. “Are.” Kiss. “Adorable.”

He then kissed him again, this one lingering longer, before Remy finally pulled back. Logan couldn’t help but chase his lips, and Remy smirked again, making Logan blush just a little bit more.

“See,” Remy tucked a stray strand of hair behind Logan’s ear. “Adorable.”  

***

“Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Now try this one,” Patton beamed, holding out another cookie just in front of Remy’s lips.

Remy opened his mouth obediently, taking a bite and chewing it slowly.  

He and Patton had spent the last few hours baking a variety of sweet treats in Thomas’s kitchen. If you asked Patton, he would say that it was a team effort. If you asked Remy, however, he would say that Patton had done most of the work, as Remy had no idea how to bake. He wasn’t complaining, though, not in the slightest, especially not when Patton came up behind him, covering Remy’s hands with his own to guide him.

Remy swallowed. “It’s good,” He said. “Sweet.” And then he grinned. “Though not as sweet as you, sugar.”

Patton giggled, delighted.

“Not too sweet?” He asked.

“Never.”

Patton laughed again, poking Remy’s nose. “I was talking about the cookie, silly!”

“Oh, yeah, they’re good, too.”

“Do you think Thomas will like them?” Patton asked.

Remy tilted his head, his sunglasses slipping down his nose – revealing his distractingly gorgeous baby blue eyes �� as he gave Patton an amused look. His hair flopped to one side, and Patton reached out to fix it.  

“I’m pretty sure you know him better than I do, hon.”

“That’s true,” Patton said, before popping the rest of the cookie into his mouth. He chewed slowly, before smiling again. “I think Thomas will like them.”

***

Thomas flung the front door open, smiling when Remy stepped inside, immediately taking Thomas’s hand, squeezing it, and planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek.

“Morning, babe,” He greeted.

“Hey,” Thomas said. “I’ve gotta get back to work now – Logan and Roman are helping me with a new video idea – but Virgil’s out, so you can hang out with him, for now.”

Remy grinned, taking off his sunglasses and placing them on top of his head, knowing full well that Virgil was weak for his eyes, and intending on taking full advantage of that fact. To be fair, all of them loved Remy’s eyes, and, upon seeing them, Thomas couldn’t help but lean down and kiss him properly.

When they pulled apart, Remy stepped around him, into the apartment, strolling over to the couch, where Virgil lay, scrolling through his phone. It didn’t really make sense that Virgil had a phone, but nothing about the sides ever really made sense, so Remy chose not to question it, instead flopping into Virgil’s lap without warning, grinning when the anxious side instinctively sat up, wrapping his arms around him.

“Mornin’, handsome.”

Remy’s smile widened as Virgil’s face turned pink. He remained flustered for another moment or two, before he calmed himself down and rolled his eyes.

“Not a very accurate compliment, babe.”

Remy shushed him, covering Virgil’s mouth with his finger. “Nope, nuh-uh – you can’t insult my boyfriend like that. I won’t allow it.”

Virgil snorted, taking Remy’s hand away from his face and intertwining their fingers.  

“Are you just here to keep me distracted so I don’t keep bothering Thomas about the new video idea?” He asked dryly.

“I’m here because I wanna snuggle with my very gorgeous boyfriend,” Remy corrected, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to the tip of Virgil’s nose. “And also make out with him. Any distraction from bugging Thomas is just a bonus.”

Virgil rolled his eyes again. “You’ve got seven boyfriends, why choose to sit on my lap?”

“Technically, I only have one boyfriend.”

“Wow, big word. Logan would be so proud of you.”

Remy poked Virgil’s shoulder. “Don’t be rude. And I’m sitting in your lap because I love you and I want to, plus you’re, like, super warm.”

“We’re all warm.” There was a beat. “I love you, too.”

Remy grinned again. “Great. Wanna make out?”

***

Remy absent-mindedly scrolled through his phone. Thomas was upstairs, looking for something, and would likely remain there for another few minutes, at least, so his boyfriend was just looking for a way to pass the time.  

Then, suddenly, he heard the familiar whooshing sound that meant a side had just risen up. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw light blue, and a bespectacled man standing by the curtains. Remy snorted quietly.

“You know that doesn’t work on me, darlin’.”

Deceit pouted – a very Patton-like expression, most likely deliberate – and then crossed his arms in a manner that was decidedly not Patton, which would have given him away, if Remy hadn’t already seen through his disguise.

“What did I do wrong this time?”

Remy looked up from his phone, giving Deceit a once-over. He then shrugged. “I dunno. You’re just… different, I guess.”

Deceit sighed, running his fingers through his hair, and, in the blink of an eye, he was back to his normal snake-like self, his hat in his hand. He placed it on his head, but, before he could say anything else, Remy had jumped off the couch, reaching up on his tiptoes and plucking the hat back off his head with a grin. He only just managed to run his fingers through Deceit’s hair, which made the lying side smile, as, even though he was the shortest side, Remy was still much shorter than him, which was, honestly, adorable.  

“You’re cuter without the hat,” Remy teased, placing it on his own head. “It looks better on me.”

And how was Deceit supposed to not kiss him when he looked like that? Wearing Deceit’s hat and grinning up at him in that way reserved just for them.

He didn’t get the chance to, though, as Remy kissed him first, standing up on his tiptoes and wrapping his arms around Deceit’s neck. Remy tugged him as close as possible, humming quietly against Deceit’s lips.

***

The moment Remy stepped into the apartment, he was swept off his feet, scooped up into Roman’s arms, and twirled around – once, twice, thrice. Remy’s sunglasses almost fell to the ground, but he caught them just in time, tucking them onto his t-shirt collar.

“How are you, on this fine morning, my radiant Sleeping Beauty?”

Remy sighed, wrapping one arm around Roman’s neck, the other hand clutching his half-empty coffee cup.  

“Ugh, the barista at Starbucks was, like, so rude to me, this morning,” He complained, pouting slightly, but relaxing. “She just kept glaring at me.”

Roman clicked his tongue, but he couldn’t help but grin.  

“Would you like me to fight her for you, my love?” He offered.

Remy snorted. “I’m pretty sure the cops would get called if you showed up at Starbucks with your sword, Prince Charming. Thomas would end up behind bars, and then who would take me into their arms and kiss me every day?”

“That’s the real tragedy,” Roman said, leaning closer to kiss Remy.

“Get a room!” Virgil shouted from the couch.

“You’re just jealous that Remy loves me more,” Roman joked.

Remy stretched his legs, reclining in Roman’s arms. He grinned. “Now, now, boys… there’s enough of me to go around. Besides, I don’t pick favourites.” He paused for a moment. “And, if I had to, I’d pick Thomas.”

Roman stuck his tongue out at Virgil, who rolled his eyes.

“Come on,” Remy smiled at Virgil over Roman’s shoulder. “Aren’t you gonna come give me a kiss, too, gorgeous?”

***

If he had been with anybody else, Remy would have scowled at the loss of his sunglasses. But he was with Remus, and he was used to this, so instead he just smiled, tilting his head up to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.

Remus dropped the sunglasses on the couch beside them, grabbing Remy’s face – a little roughly, but not hard enough to hurt.

“I want to steal your eyes.”

This probably would’ve alarmed Remy, but he was used to this kind of language from Remus, so instead he just laughed quietly, poking Remus’s shoulder.

“I think I’d rather you didn’t, pumpkin,” Remy said. “I kinda need them. How else am I supposed to admire your gorgeous face?”

Remus nodded, humming. “Good point.”  

He ran one finger down the side of Remy’s face, the other hand holding his face in place as he stared into Remy’s eyes. Perhaps this should’ve been uncomfortable, but how could Remy feel anything but comfort when he was curled up in Remus’s lap, half under a blanket, with some horror movie that neither of them were paying attention to playing in the background.

“I’m gonna copy them,” Remus decided finally.

“Copy them?”

Remus nodded eagerly, his thumb resting just below Remy’s left eye. “Uh huh! I’m gonna make copies of your eyes that I can keep with me even when you’re not around.” Suddenly, he gasped, and then grinned. “I wonder what they’ll taste like.”

Remy wrinkled his nose. “Gross.”

Remus took that as a compliment, as Remy knew he would.  

“Thanks!” He exclaimed, one hand moving to squeeze Remy’s waist, before pulling him into a predictably messy kiss.

***

Remy hadn’t meant to stop in the middle of the hallway, but he was distracted very easily, and, after pausing mid-step to read a text, he ended up standing there for almost five minutes. He didn’t look up when he heard footsteps behind him, and when he felt a hand on the small of his back, he knew exactly who it was.

“Hey, babe,” Remy greeted, his eyes remaining on his phone screen. “Just one sec, I’m arguing with my mom.”

“How can you always tell when it’s me?” Thomas asked.  

Remy shrugged, finishing his text, before stuffing his phone back into his pocket. He then turned and wrapped his arms around Thomas’s neck.

“I dunno,” He said. “It’s just… obvious.”

“What, have you got like a… sixth sense for it, or something?” Thomas joked.

Remy laughed. “Nah, I’m just perceptive like that.”

He then kissed Thomas, quick and soft, before pulling back slightly. There was a beat, and then Thomas grinned, a glint that screamed either Remus or Roman – there wasn’t time for Remy to decipher it – in his eyes. Before Remy could question it, Thomas dipped him with a laugh that was absolutely Remy’s favourite sound.  

He kissed him again and again and again and then once more on his neck to make him laugh.

“Did Roman tell you to do that?” Remy asked, his sunglasses slipping to reveal eyes that were so bright and happy that Thomas’s heart felt just a little too big for his ribcage.

“I can decide to do things on my own, you know,” Thomas teased.

Remy raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, fine,” Thomas admitted. “But Roman wasn’t actually the only one telling me to do that.”

“I’m sure.”

A moment passed, and then Thomas’s smile softened. “I love you so much, we all do.”

“I know,” Remy said, one hand moving up to cradle Thomas’s face. “I love you, too.”

[walkerwords]

“The Savior Sessions” Part 1 of 33 - Negan x GN!Reader

IMAGE CREDIT: Gene Page/AMC

SERIES MASTERLIST

Summary: This will be a collection of conversations set before the events of season 9 in which the reader speaks with Negan while in his cell as they recount events and memories from their time in the Apocalypse as well as stories of his own. 

Word Count: 2417

Warning: None

Song I Wrote To: “Open Season” by Josef Salvat

Note: These are going to be smaller stories that I will be updating randomly. Each fic will be a conversation/situation about Negan in his cell in Alexandria. Some maybe very short, others not. I am still working on the other stories, but I wanted to post this as I work on those as well. Thank you for your kind words about my family, I really appreciate it.

------

“I just don’t know why you’re asking me to do this, Michonne.” 

You stood across from Alexandria’s head of security in her kitchen. Michonne meticulously cleaned her Katana as you spoke, remaining calm the entire time. When she had asked you to meet her today, you never imagined this would be the reason. 

“Gabriel is worried about his state of mind,” Michonne said, “He thinks somebody should be speaking with him on a regular basis.” 

“Isn’t that already Gabriel’s job?” you asked. “He’s always the one who’s down there.” Michonne sighed, sliding the blade back into its sheath.

“He believes that he can no longer get through to him and that they’ve become too familiar with each other,” Michonne said, placing her sword down and bracing her hands against the kitchen counter, “I also think we can benefit from it and I suppose he can as well.” You frowned. 

“You’re asking me to become Negan’s therapist,” you pointed out. “How is any of that beneficial?”

“Whether we like it or not, Negan did run an entire community unchallenged. He may have insight into this world that we don’t and I have started to think that perhaps keeping him so isolated isn’t doing anyone any good,” Michonne explained. “I am asking you because you don’t have a relationship with him. The two of you never interacted during the war and you made sure to stay out of his line of sight for most of it. You’re not a total stranger, but he doesn’t know you like he knows Gabriel, me, or even Aaron.”

“So, basically, you want someone he can’t push around by pushing their buttons,” you concluded and Michonne grimaced. 

“You were also a teacher, (Y/N),” said Michonne, “that is something you two have in common. Maybe that will get him to open up or at least… God, I don’t know what I want the outcome to be, but Rick wanted Negan to be a symbol for how we can grow as a society. I don’t know if he can ever be redeemed, but if he can even a small amount, then it may start with you.” 

“You pulled out your Rick card,” you said with a sigh, “not fair.” Michonne smiled with a shrug. 

“I knew it would come in handy someday,” she said and you finally gave in. 

“Okay, I will be the big bad wolf’s confidant, but if he tries anything or pisses me off to a degree that makes me want to commit murder, that’s on Gabriel,” you said with a wink and Michonne visibly relaxed. 

“Thank you, (Y/N),” she said, relieved. “I’m going to let you run it the way you want to, but try not to piss him off if you can.” You smiled at her brightly. 

“Oh, you know me, Michonne, something like that is inevitable.”

-----

When you arrived at the cell an hour later, you dismissed the guard who stood out front. 

If you were going to be talking to Negan to gain insight and trust, you didn’t see the need for a chaperone. As the guard left, you pushed open the heavy door and sealed it behind you. 

“Gabe, if you’re here to give me another life lesson, you can save it. I’m not in the mood,” Negan said in the darkness of his cell. You had never been this close to the man before. You had fought against the Saviors of course, but always at an outpost or in a larger fight. Rick had also used your talents with the sniper rifle and kept you up high most of the time. This whole situation was alien to you and while it was unnerving to be so near to a killer, you didn’t let that stop you from stepping out of the shadows. 

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not Father Gabriel,” you said, dragging a chair from the wall and centering it before the jail cell. Negan, who had been laying on his bed with his back to the door, slowly sat up and turned towards you.

In the cool light of the room, you could see him clearly now. His hair was shorter than the last time you had seen him which was when Rick had dragged him into this cell about five years before. He still had the stubble on his face, but the cocky grin that you had gotten used to seeing through your scope was nowhere to be seen. 

“Have we met?” he asked, tilting his head in curiosity. You shifted slightly in your seat, trying to get comfortable. 

“Not officially,” you told him. “I’m (Y/N).” Recognition dawned on his face then. 

“Yes,” he said, sitting forward on the edge of his cot, “Little Miss Grimes has mentioned you before.” It wasn’t news to you that he spoke to Judith. Most people knew that she visited Negan often. The only person who probably didn’t know was Michonne. Judith had confided in you that she wasn’t scared of the man and that all she wanted was for him to know he wasn’t some kind of wild animal. You now started to realize that her reasoning was exactly why you were here. “So what can I do for you, (Y/N)?”

“I’ve been sent by the overlords of Alexandria to be your new best friend,” you explained, crossing one leg over the other. 

“Is that right?” he asked, leaning forward. “Gabe get too bored with little ole me?” 

“I don’t know, I didn’t ask,” you told him, “but I am here as a favor for Michonne so how about we just accept the new normal?” Negan bowed his head slightly. 

“Well then, what exactly do the big shots upstairs want us to do? Compare breakup stories? Organize a block party?” 

“I see you haven’t lost your wit,” you pointed out, leaning back in your chair.  

“We all have our things, (Y/N),” he said, “I am curious, though,” he went on, “where were you when your people were trying to kill all of mine?” 

“Usually on a rooftop,” you explained, “Grimes always had me up high with the guns.” Negan seemed genuinely thrilled by the thought of that. 

“And you never got me in your cross-hairs and took a shot? Damn, that is incredibly terrifying.”

“I was never ordered to,” you told him. “I was more surveillance than an assassin.” 

“Either way, my men never saw you watchin’ me,” he said and it sounded like a compliment. The way Negan was looking at you reminded you of kids staring at a lion in a zoo. Ironic seeing how he was the one in the cage and not you. Every glance was out of curiosity and you thought you noticed a bit of gratitude in his eyes. Perhaps Michonne and Gabriel were right after all. The man just needed someone to talk to.

“Okay, how about this?” you said, after a moment of silence. He waited for you to continue. “You and I are just gonna talk. You can ask me anything you want and I’ll answer and hopefully, you will return the favor when I want to .” Negan raised a single brow. 

“It’s that simple?” he asked.

“Do you want it to be difficult?” you asked. “I think I could add some really brash and annoying terms to the arrangement if you want."

"You are a very strange person," Negan said.

"I'm going to take that as a compliment."

"As you should," Negan said with a cheeky grin. "However, I am curious about one thing. Don't you hate me?" You mulled over his words for a few seconds before shaking your head.

"Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in this world, but has not solved one yet," you quoted easily. Negan's eyes lit up.

"Morrison?"

"Angelou," you corrected.

"Ah," he said. "Wise woman. So what you're saying is that hating me isn't going to solve anything, am I right?"

"Pretty much," you agreed, crossing your arms.

"But I killed your people," he reminded you. Negan was clearly trying to put you off, but you had expected this. 

"And I killed your people," you said. "Do you hate me?" Negan scoffed, leaning back on his hands as he watched you through the bars.

"You're good," he complimented.

"You didn't answer my question," you said. Negan licked his lips before shaking his head.

"No, I don't hate you. Although, I don't even know you so that could change." This time you let out a quick laugh that was pure instinct at this point.

"Fair enough," you conceded.

"Alright, (Y/N), if you are so inclined to answer questions, answer me this: how did you end up with this merry bunch of survivors?" 

"Simple," you said, "I saved Carl Grimes from a Walker." Negan's face dropped at the mention of the late teenager. You knew about the soft spot Negan had for Carl. It wasn't a mystery, hell, Carl wouldn't have lived long after he attacked the Sanctuary if Negan didn't like him.

"You saved him?" Negan asked, pulling you from your memories.

"Yeah, I met Carl and his mom, Lori, shortly after everything happened," you began, "They, alongside other survivors, were camped at a quarry outside of Atlanta. I was on my own, trying to make it to the coast when I came across their campsite. I was wary of people, of course, but I knew I wouldn't make it far on my own. I stayed around the edge of camp for a while, just gettin' a feel for the people when Carl ran off when Lori wasn't looking. He was running around with another kid from the group." You paused, unsure if you should divulge much more, but Negan was staying entirely focused on your story.

"Carl was with Sophia...Carol's late daughter." Slight surprise entered Negan's eyes, but he remained quiet. You went on, "The two of them got turned around and then Carl being Carl, decided to run off alone without Sophia. He was near me when the Walker came out of the trees and grabbed him. I didn't really think at that moment. I just ran for the kid. I shot the Walker in the head and the next thing I know, I had a crossbow pointed at my back."

"Let me guess, Daryl?" Negan figured. 

"Damn right. Son of a bitch thought I was shooting at the kid, but luckily Carl spoke up and explained. They took me back to their camp and Lori insisted I stay so that's what I did."

"And here you are," Negan said, impressed.

"Here I am."

"That kid was pretty damn special," Negan said fondly. "This world really does take the good ones, don't it?"

"I always think that it would have been easier if a person had killed him instead of a Walker, you know? At least then we would have an enemy." 

"What, you don't think the Walkers are the enemy?" 

"They're just a part of the new world," you explained. "Can't really call them an enemy if they didn't intend to be here in the first place."

Negan was quiet again as your words sank in. In fact, you were surprised that he hadn't spoken over you whenever he got the chance. According to the rest of your friends and family, the man loved to hear himself talk. You stored that new observation away for later.

"In your opinion," Negan said slowly, "what kind of person classifies as an enemy, or rather, just evil?"

"I've seen darkness, Negan," you told him. "We all have and it was before we even heard your name. If you're trying to ask me if I think you’re evil, the answer is no, I don't. Most of us here like myself, Daryl, Michonne, we've all seen what happens when someone has lost all trace of humanity. Seen what they do to other human beings and trust me, those are the evil people of this screwed-up world. You haven't lost your humanity, Negan, and I pray you never will."

Negan leaned his forearms onto his knees, rubbing a calloused hand over his bearded face. Something had clicked inside his head, that much was apparent, but you weren't sure what.

Yet.

"Sounds like you've been through hell," Negan whispered.

"And back," you finished. "Multiple times."

"You gonna tell me that story? About the loss of humanity?" His question wasn't overly eager, instead, it was all curiosity and you were starting to think that was the main characteristic of the man who once called himself the "big bad wolf".

"One day," you nodded. "If you'll let me come back again."

"I get to decide?" he asked, intrigued.

"Yeah, no point in coming down here if you won't talk to me. That would be wasting both of our time."

"Then by all means, (Y/N), feel free to drop by," Negan said, spreading his arms wide in a welcome gesture. You rolled your eyes but nodded.

"If it means anything," you said as you stood from your seat and turned towards the door, "Carl once told me that you were the only person he always trusted to tell him the truth, and coming from him, that's a lot."

Negan looked at you for a long moment before bowing his head. "Thanks for that," he said softly. You gave him a small smile, one more out of understanding than anything. Whether people hated him or not, nobody could deny that he cared about Carl Grimes and that the teen's death had affected him as well.

"I'll see you tomorrow," you told him as you pushed open the heavy door and stepped into the sunlight. Negan didn't call you back as you climbed the steps and began walking home.

You watched as Alexandria spun on, unaware of the emotions that ran deep through you at the moment. Gabriel and Michonne had been right, after all, Negan needed to talk to another human being, but perhaps that was exactly what you needed as well and you had a feeling this was just the beginning of an odd relationship. 

TAGS: @thanossexual​

[hellomynameisbisexual]

“Faggot.” “Cocksucker.” “Femboy.” “Abomination.” Gay. The list of names I’ve been called since coming out as bisexual in June 2020 doesn’t stop there — nor did it stop when I went public with my sexual identity either.

From a young age, I knew I was different from my peers.

Maybe it was the way I walked. Or the way I talked. Or the way I dressed. I just knew I stood out to them like a sore thumb — or perhaps a rainbow of color in a sea of dull gray.

My differences became evident to me when other children at the preschool I attended in suburban San Diego, California, would forsake my company in favor of each other, already forming cliques and inciting drama at such an innocent age.

When my family and I moved to dreary Erie, Pennsylvania, I knew my struggles would only get worse.

Many of the children in my kindergarten class had already known each other for several years before I entered the picture.

They quickly noticed differences in my mannerisms, speech patterns, thoughts and ideas. I wasn’t like the other boys, but I wasn’t like the girls either. I was an outlier, a foreigner and a stranger considered dangerous and unwelcome.

Though I made friends the following few years — including some who would become lifelong companions — most of those primary friendships mirrored the kernels of a neglected ear of corn: delicious when ripe but quick to harden, rot and flake off.

By my fourth grade year, I was teased and bullied nearly daily for being too feminine, too weird, too annoying to fit into my school’s social circles.

When I told my teachers about my struggles, their solution was to attempt to masculinize me by placing me in groups of athletic boys in my class, boys I had nothing in common with and who certainly had nothing in common with me.

Even my grandparents — then and now my caretakers — noticed my un-boyish behavior and enrolled me in the local little league baseball team — whether to also attempt to instill in me a sense of masculinity and male toughness or to help me make new friends I knew not.

I would grudgingly participate in the sport for six, nigh on seven grueling years, never making a single lasting friend and crying almost weekly from the torment it caused me.

Needless to say, I felt like a floundering fish without fins in a sea of angry, hungry sharks during those years.

It wasn’t until the final year of my elementary education that I was introduced to the concepts of puberty, adolescence and sex.

I was told that very soon, I would start noticing the girls in my class and would begin to want to form meaningful relationships with them. Eventually, I would become sexually attracted to them and want to have children with them.

But in those coming years, though many girls would pique my interest, it wasn’t them who ignited the fire in my soul and made me feel the burning passion of desire — it was men.

I quickly realized it was this that set me apart from my male peers and resulted in me being shunned by the girls. I was a boy — soon to be a man — in every physical way, but I wasn’t attracted to or passionate about girls like the other boys in my class were. I was obsessed with men.

But I couldn’t possibly be gay, could I?

Growing up in a household of religious relatives, I was always taught that sex before marriage was a wicked abomination and that being anything but straight was a sin comparable to none.

I distinctly remember watching a news broadcast with my family around the time I was transitioning to my middle school years. The ABC World News clip showcased LGBT marriages being performed out west and contained affirming remarks from then-President Barack Obama on the matter.

“The Bible says marriage is between a man and a woman,” I remember my aunt saying in utter disgust at the television, murmurs of agreement echoing her around the room.

I resolved then to hide my feelings and my pubescent curiosity from my family at all costs, lest I be scolded, shunned or worse: abandoned.

During middle school, I relentlessly dug deep within myself and attempted to alter what I thought was but a simple mental barrier to social normality. All thoughts of being with men were forcibly suppressed in my mind before they could even become tangible, and each of my increasingly urgent bodily needs went ignored and unsatiated.

I even resorted to religion, the only weapon I thought strong enough to aid me in the war raging inside myself.

Day and night, I attempted to “pray the gay away,” but to little avail. Much to my chagrin, I realized that even divine intervention could not “help” me: My homosexuality seemed to be an immortal, malignant tumor infecting each and every one of my thoughts.

Thus, the preliminary years of my second decade of life became miserable and unfulfilling — I was engaged in a fierce battle with an integral aspect of my identity and was inadvertently shattering the chains that bound a beast capable of obliterating every fiber of my cognitive being — anxiety.

By my high school years, men — mean, nasty and indifferent but awe-inspiring, mystifying and oh-so-gorgeous men — had begun to control my deepest, darkest desires and fantasies. My lust had grown large enough to thwart even my most furious attempts at diminishing it.

As I slowly came to terms with the realization that nothing in the universe could “fix” me, my mental situation severely worsened. I fell into a dangerous downward spiral of self-doubt and woefulness.

My relationship with my grandparents quickly began to deteriorate, as did my relationships with my friends. Every day brought with it a new reason to hate my existence — the constant verbal altercations, the continued teasing and even bullying at school, the countless lonely nights spent sobbing quietly into my pillow.

And, to make matters worse, the true nature of my sexuality seemed to express itself in each of my social mannerisms. It wasn’t long before despicable rumors about me spread through the student body of my high school like wildfire.

My teachers noticed my strife, and some took the time to speak with me about a few of the different mental illnesses they suspected I had. But not even they could halt the hordes of horrifying thoughts racing through my head or the string of ruthless comments that would assault me in the hallways.

Soon, however, the light at the end of the long, grueling tunnel that was public education began to shine: I was graduating from high school and about to start fresh. Nothing could have contained my excitement at the prospect of escaping the largest source of my daily torment.

As I digested the freedom going to college offered, idealistic daydreams began to flood my mind — I could live how I wanted with whomever I wanted, and no one could judge me or tell me differently.

How wrong I was.

My first year as an undergraduate student at Penn State Behrend was a living hell.

Though the petty and immature teasing of high school was no longer an issue, standing up for my newfound political identity was, as well as dealing with my growing anxiety.

I was constantly engaged in polite yet heated political debates with those in my dorm. I felt like they were blatantly attempting to oppress me with their own beliefs and had grown to hate me for mine.

The same situation occurred with my grandparents, and we grew increasingly distant over the course of that year.

It didn’t help that I was still “in the closet,” so to speak, and contemplating methods of publicly revealing my true sexual identity. I hadn’t yet officially told anyone I was bisexual, and it remained my most closely guarded secret.

Needless to say, my social circumstances and the added stress of my adjustment to college academics and lifestyle allowed my mental state to reach an unprecedented low. I needed help.

That same year, I saw my family physician and then a psychiatrist, who prescribed me antidepressants in an attempt to lessen my now untameable anxiety. I took them with gusto and also began attending therapy sessions to teach me how to manage my thoughts and emotions.

For a small while, I felt better — I was actually happy in my skin and even happy with my bisexuality.

But then, even my long-awaited mental comfort abandoned me, and I slipped into the deepest, darkest pit of my life.

I became suicidal but never acted on that petrifying potentiality.

I didn’t trust myself to be alone, so I constantly sought the company of others, which only made me feel like a nuisance and waste of time, energy and space.

About a month later — in October 2018 — I got into an accident.

I was barrelling down the highway, escaping a particularly heated verbal altercation with my grandfather. It was raining that day, and the roads were slippery.

Going around a curve, I lost control of my vehicle and flew into a small ravine, flipping not once, not twice but three times in midair before landing upright — dazed, but alive.

Escaping relatively physically unscathed from the incident, with only a broken right clavicle, I was not mentally the same for weeks afterward.

I decided at that time I would come out and reveal my true sexuality at the soonest possible opportunity — I blamed my silence on every terrible situation that had occurred in my life up to that point. If I didn’t come out, I quite literally thought I would die.

Telling even my closest friends was difficult, but I managed, and the relief I felt was paramount to that of the titan Atlas in Greek mythology: I felt like the weight of the entire world — sky and all — had been lifted from my shoulders.

Fast forward to the present: I’m alive, well, out and proud. I’m no longer ashamed of my innate traits or of my thoughts.

Being a bisexual man has taught me many lessons, but foremost among them is that the people who can’t accept me for who and what I am don’t deserve to be in my life.

My anxiety made it difficult to let go of toxic relationships over the years — I learned that the primary source of my mental strife is a fear of abandonment by those I care about — but doing so opened the door to newer, healthier relationships that build me up and boost my confidence instead of chipping away at it.

I’ve since improved tremendously, and not even the onset of the coronavirus pandemic was able to pause my progress. Every day is a learning experience, and I’ve grown so much from the helpless boy I was mere months ago that if you showed me a map of my mentality from 2018, 2019 or even 2020, I wouldn’t recognize myself at all.

Revealing my bisexuality to the world didn’t solve all my issues — there were and still are other factors that contribute to my anxiety and mental health — but coming out was perhaps the most profound, life-altering moment in my 21 years. Nothing compares to the freedom I now enjoy, nor will any other experience compare to the relief I felt following my announcement.

[stellamore-after-dark]

Headcanons on how the LIs would react to the Oracle suggesting they could start a family once their situation becomes more peaceful.

This request is, as the kids say, “BUSSIN’” (Admin Yara help!!! My older millennial is showing 😫)

Cipactli:

Surprise will be the first thing that crosses his features. Sure, as a royal its was always expected of him to produce an heir to the thrown, however he never expected to find someone he truly loved and that would love him back in order to do so. And then you entered his life and basically turned it upside down and now you have the AUDACITY to come in and tell him that you want to start a family with all misty eyed and looking the way you do.....sign him the fuck up.

He will be so thrilled and just might get slightly misty eyed with you. After all that has happened in Huatzintepec and now finally living in a world surrounded by true peace; he couldn’t imagine a more perfect world and partner to raise and grow a family in and with.

Regardless of wether you both decide to adopt or have your child the fact remains that Cipactli will absolutely R E A D  E V E R Y  B O O K  A V A I L A B L E that might help/ease him into parenthood an DESPITE his preparations he still was not ready (cause who really is am I right). As soon as the child is here he will panic; is he good enough, is he prepared enough, will his child love him, etc., etc. You will most definitely need to help him get out of his own head and reassure him that he will be a wonderful father.

Mukondi:

Mukondi would be ecstatic at the idea of starting a family with you. Although she will be slightly apprehensive at first due to her duties as the human representative of Saiph; most of her insecurities and fears would lie on whether or not she would spend enough time with your child when, as it is, she barely has enough time for herself. Of course, this would be something discussed between you both before any definite decision is made and you both mutually agree that this would be easily solvable by hiring or staff/representatives to take her place in her absence (make👏🏻her👏🏻 realize👏🏻she’s👏🏻not👏🏻an👏🏻island👏🏻and👏🏻it’s👏🏻OK👏🏻TO👏🏻ASK👏🏻FOR👏🏻HELP👏🏻AND👏🏻NOT👏🏻BEAR👏🏻EVERYTHING👏🏻ON👏🏻HER👏🏻OWN👏🏻).

She would be the first one to bring you ideas for baby names whether you like it or not. Lists, upon lists of baby names and meanings, Mukondi does not want to give her child a basic name that everyone has. To her there is allot in a name and it’s important to her that this child knows the thought and care that was meticulous placed in choosing a name that they would be proud to bear.

Mama Mukondi is simply the best mother, hands down, no 🧢. She will spoil them rotten but she isn’t above disciplining when she has to. When it comes to her family pride is the only word that comes to minds, so many things were lost during that time in Huatzintepec but so much more was gained, and for that she couldn’t be more grateful.

Ariki:

At first, he’s super excited, 10/10 yes lets have a child together (very excite,  much wow). However, after his initial reaction, there may be some doubts that will settles in. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he needs to make sure that this child will be supported and loved by both of you. By this, his intentions are not doubt IN you or your capabilities to love anyone but it’s more security that he seeks in your relationship.

It is commonly known for merfolk to be very particular about their life partners, some spend years assessing and building a relationship until finally they feel secure enough to start dating, get married, etc. and this is no exception when it comes to building a family together. There is no doubt in Ariki’s mind that the depth of is love for you is endless, so even though he has his initial hesitations, it’s not something you can both talk about. Set up a game plan, share your insecurities, assure him about your intentions, be completely transparent. Once everything is discussed you can expect Ariki to go right back to the happy baby boi that he was when you first mentioned starting a family together.

Expect Ariki to be super excited about decorating his future child’s room. He would come up with motifs  and colors, and of course you would put everything into a cohesive idea which you can both execute without the child’s room being overwhelmed with Ariki’s excitement. HAND MADE DECORATIONS FROM PAPA ARIKI!!!!

Dior:

“....so like...you wanna get a puppy or something...?” (let me also express that if you have a puppo/catto that you call family you are very valid cause same...anyways) Don’t hold your breath on getting an excitable reaction from Dior...you won’t. They might even, lowkey, seem repulsed by the idea of family mainly cause most of the time it involves children.

Look me in the eyes and tell me that Dior would find the idea of a small humanoid being that needs constant attention, screams when displeased, and might have the nerve to grow up and defy any rule set in place by Dior appealing in the slightest. Dior already fills out all those position why in the world would they want a second them. But being serious for a moment; Dior, much like Ariki or any species of merfolk, most definitely consider this a very prominent step in their future. So it is a very real thing that Dior may suggest getting a pet before a child. Much like Ariki, sit down with them, talk with them, discuss any insecurities (cause believe me they’re there). And in reality, it might take a long time for Dior to come around to the idea of a family with you. The one thing that Dior most certainly wants to make sure is that you know that they love you and they consider you their family/whole world regardless of children status.

EVENTUALLY, and with lots of physical, emotional, and mental preparations, Dior will come around, they might lean more towards adopting a child that may be slightly older but still young enough that they can help raise. Trust and believe that Dior will have matching outfits with their mini me. “You may be only 3′ tall  and know a total of 4 syllables but thats not an excuse to not look your best, especially not when you’re with me”.

Waauru:

You and Waauru must’ve been together for a long time for you to bring up the possibility of raising a family together, and even more surprising still that she agreed so plainly to you.

Waauru is not one to beat around the bush specially not when it comes to you, she has always prided herself of being completely open to you. You will always know how she’s feeling  even when she tries to shut you out, so when the time came in which you began to plan, envision, and execute a future with her with the possibility of children she was roarin’ and ready to go. Topics like these are oddly comforting to Waauru due to the love she has with her own family and with you as her partner the conversation most definitely came up even before you were to meet her family.

The idea of starting/continuing her family’s legacy with you fills Waauru’s heart with so much joy. She loves you so much and the fact that you’re in her life simply astounds her. Waauru never thought she could reach this level of serendipity and sereneness in her life after everything she’s been through. Most of her amazement comes from the fact that she is inspired by you and all that you were capable of doing despite being thrown in the thick of a political discourse and was the tipping point in bringing it all of it to a climax. Now she gets to do life with you as you both prepare for the latest addition.

Halle:

*ERROR 404 HALLE’S FUNCTIONING BRAINCELLS COULD NOT BE FOUND*

Oh boy, you did it, you broke the man. Only the heavens know how much was taken out of him to even talk to you in a full sentence, he still doesn’t know how he’s in a relationship with you, and now you want a F a M i L y!!! He’s gonna need a minute...no really. The request will catch him so off guard that he might need a moment alone to himself and his thoughts and in all honesty it might bother him slightly that you asked this of him. This will, of course, lead you to ask why to which he responds : “Well aren’t ‘we’ enough, why do you want to bring another being into our dynamic?!?!” With that he’ll storm off leaving you confused and a little hurt, but for know you drop the topic and just let him reconvene with himself. In his moments alone he sighs and thinks to himself: “...why did I say that?...you know thats not true Halle...?” Deep down, yes, yes he does want a family to call his and he couldn’t imagine doing so than with you; now he’s left rattling his brain trying to figure out what could’ve caused such a reaction...fear

After several hours of processing and coming to terms with himself, Halle comes back to you. Bright red face with so much embarrassment over his behavior with you, apologizing profusely for walking out on you. In these cases just hold his face, look him in the eyes, center him, ground him, and sit him down. When his able to breath at a steady pace again, expect the flood gates of emotion to open. He very rarely opens up but when he does it’s to you and only you. The main thing he focusses on though is this feeling of fear in the back of his mind much like Cipactli, only difference is that his is rooted in his own self conscious view of himself. Remind him how great of a friend, partner, lover, and man he is; remind him that what you asked doesn’t have to be done now, it is a very big step and something you can both talk and prepare for. This eases him, you both want this, just not right now and that is perfectly fine with both of you. Whenever you’re both ready he will be the proudest man in all of Saiph with you and your family by his side.

Taqtu:

*Queue the water works 🥺*

This man will be  ✨E M O T I O N A L ✨Let him get it out, crying will ensue, but don’t worry these are happy tears. Taqtu has always been a family man, whether its been with his own family or his people in general; he considers the people he grew up with, raised him, played with him, babysat him, the children in his clan that came after him, all of them he considers family so it’s safe to say that when you brought this desire to his attention he was so excited.” WAIT?!?! REALLY?!?! Your not yanking my chain are ya...wait...really, you meant it? Oh Sweetpea, you’ve made me the happiest man”. He didn’t think it was possible to fall more in love with you, but here he is, head over heels (SIMP)

The other thing that has him all giddy is that he also gets to tell his tribe about this newfound journey you both are to take. The Ijiraat as a whole have suffered so much loss that whenever there is a new addition its a full on celebration. When you and Taqtu decided to begin your relationship, the whole tribe threw you both a party celebrating you as one of their own. The news of starting a family won’t be  any less of a celebration, if anything it will be even more so. It’s a new chapter in both of your lives that might spring forth a new life. It has been one of his unspoken dreams to start a family of his own one day and finally being able to do so with the love of his life by his side elates him. Taqtu does not know what he did to deserve you, but he thanks every star in the sky  for that fateful day he ran into you in the streets of Huatzintepec.

Seneca:

Seneca, like Halle, will be freaking out about it as soon as the suggestion leaves your lips; most of his reasoning being out of insecurities as well. However, unlike Halle, the main reason for his objection is because in reality he never knew what family was. How can a man who grew up without family be able to take care of a family of his own. Seneca does not expect you to do all the work in creating and raising this family by yourself, he wouldn’t allow it. Even so, he couldn’t see himself playing any significant part in the family dynamic that you so desire to have with him.

The idea of a family seems really nice to Seneca, poetic even, something he has probably talked about and studied as a disciple of the Sun god. It is a concept that is hard to grasp when the closest thing he has had to family is you. He, like Dior also, will take allot of: time love, and most definitely patience in order to even begin processing what you’ve asked. It is advisable in these instances to let him know that you understand where he comes from and that there is absolutely no rush for him to decide on this. In reality, family is more of a wound to him than something to look forward to, which is something that he is able to comfortably disclose to you after giving some thought to your request. Seneca follows by later stating: “...wounds are meant to heal, not fester. And if you will continue to have me and love me, the wound will heal...when that day comes I will be more than willing to create the most beautiful life that you deserve my sunshine...” (I’m NOT crying, you are).

Whether you both decide to have or adopt your new member of your family, on that day Seneca will learn what it means when people say love at first sight is real. One look at your child and his heart soars. He is grateful for the time that you gave him; it allowed him to heal so that way he could stop bleeding on the people that never hurt him, and with his new future with you he is certain that your family will only grow in love.

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[sanoiro]

Lucifer Meta Post - Tether Me

I have seen and read many meta flying around regarding this song but none seemed to satisfy me. On the contrary this is a song that downright confused me since I watched the episode, therefore the circulating explanations or meta given were not enough for me. I’ll not say they are without merit, they are just not clicking the right way with my mindset of all things Lucifer. 

Since August I’ve wondered why they didn’t reverse the songs between 5x05 and 5x06 meaning why they didn’t use ‘This Year’s Love’ for the ending of 5x06? It would have made sense I thought albeit it would also be cheesy. On the other hand, the commitment that was expressed and the step taken in 5x05 while Chloe comes to her realisation that they chose each other makes that song quite perfect. Especially as it echoes the 3x23 scene and kiss. 

In 5x05 Chloe manages to take down the killer on her own - albeit with Amenadiel’s help - in the same way she uncovered the killer in 3x23 with Charlotte’s aid. Both episodes then end with the party who comes to a groundbreaking realisation to seek the other. In 3x23 Lucifer comes to Chloe while in 5x05 Chloe goes to the Penthouse to find Lucifer.  

“If you do not need me you are working with me all this time because you want to. Because you choose to. You did choose me.” - Lucifer 3x23

Then Lucifer goes on, that he was procrastinating to face the present as he was afraid of his feelings, that Chloe wanted him because she had seen only certain sides of him and if she knew all of him she would run. Yes, Chloe did ran but from Season 4 we see that the same issue happens with Chloe and it also manifests spectacularly in 5x03 and in 5x05. 

Is she a mere human that one day Lucifer will realise she is not worth it? The fact she is a miracle is that the only thing of value she has? Is the rest of her that insignificant that her existence and her relationship with Lucifer is based on the grounds she was designed for him, meaning that there will be another toy or distraction in the near or far future for him? Toys after all are meant to be played, used to promote growth and knowledge and sooner than later are disposed in storage or a bin. Learning experiences are not meant to be revisited when sucessful and as a parent Chloe knows that. 

All the above are relevant believe me. 

And now back in 5x05. 

“His theory is that you choose to be vulnerable around me.[...] If you choose to be vulnerable around me then I chose to be vulnerable around you.” - Chloe 5x05

Now this is what leads us to the use of “Tether Me” as the chosen song in the sex scene of 5x06. 

As a form of habit I always go back to AGN a fic, not really worth your time, but since day one I knew how it would end. Lucifer in the comics #75 (last one) - of the first and original series - says that “Perhaps this is the ultimate freedom, eh Dream Lord? The freedom to leave.” 

In a twist of words and due to life experiences I thought to turn the tables a bit there and say that the ultimate freedom sometimes is the freedom to stay. 

Lucifer as a series has explored free will and freedom a lot and we were always so fixated with the concept that freedom is a synonym of breaking free, of getting away, running. But since S2 when Lucifer in 2x14 came back to Chloe despite knowing she was a miracle and directly connected to him, in his opinion, we see that freedom in the end was not of him being liberated by this manipulation but setting his own terms into the situation by deciding to stay. 

The same thing happened with Chloe in S4. She stayed in Lucifer’s life despite his relationship with Eve and his internal and external Devilness and as we saw guilt manifestation. So now we can take the concept of “Tether Me” on a whole new level. Shall we? 

First of all. Tether Me. 

The definition here is to practically bind someone. But they are bound out of will and so the freedom they seek is through the commitment they make on their own terms, time and ways to express it. 

The physical connection as has been said before surely, is not just about sex. Many opt to forget or disregard the fact that Lucifer stayed celibate for thousands of years in Hell and then when he came on Earth he never sought a companion as he had done every time he visited Earth for millennia. Not even when he believed his time on Earth was limited and his relationship with Chloe impossible to progress. 

The fact the above is always brushed aside bothers me as it shows not just Lucifer’s emotional state but also his maturity and commitment on an ‘idea’ and a person. For the first time his coping mechanism for an emotional attachment through carnal gratification is rejected because the alternative is more fulfilling even though the consummation on any level up to 5x05, is deemed improbable. 

Lucifer emotionally and spiritually, as we may say, like Chloe since the end of Season 4 have, on a basic level, bound themselves to the person they love. They willingly surrendered not the option of being with someone else but their whole entity to the one they loved. 

But many poets have praised love stories that were never consummated or were led to tragic endings like Romeo and Juliet as they brought forward a commitment that lacked the difficulties and grind of what may come next. It is why such love stories, see the Titanic one, are viewed as pure and everlasting. That was Deckerstar before 5x06. 

In 5x06 the bounding each character experienced as an individual on the mode of surviving external pressures and grief, now turns to a new entity of two joined parts. 

As Lucifer and Chloe decide to take the leap we listen to the singer singing “Tether Me”. 

On a very simple way we can say that at that moment both characters stake their claim and on a cognitive BDMS level they allow the other to vine them. Do not mistake it as surrendering. They both equally maintain their identity but they commit to something that started since Season 1. 

In Season 1, Lucifer asked if Chloe trusted him and she said yes. Now in 5x06 we see that trust blooming. 

As characters, Chloe and Lucifer could never commit. Chloe in Season 1 lamented over the fact that Dan was not committed to his family as he was too preoccupied with his job but throughout the seasons we see that her commitment had to do with loosing her ground and allowing to be patronised in many ways. She believed that allowing her partners to take control over some aspects of her life, like with Dan in 3x11 where he was an authoritative/mentoring figure and then Marcus in the same way she was committing to that relationship. It is also interesting how she stopped doing that once Lucifer entered her life. 

Lucifer told her to trust her gut, he didn’t question her authority although he did go his way when he wanted to. When Chloe was backsteping for him he didn’t walk over that space albeit for several reasons. Her silly attitude in 2x12 was met with mistrust while in 4x08 he was truthful on how he was tired of being placed in a pedestal or be expected to act a certain way. 

So from Chloe’s side, her relationship with Lucifer in 5x05 finally reaches the point where as a person she does not back down to accommodate him and that is cherished because there is a difference between settling things as couple and letting others degrade you for a relationship to work. It is also why Deckerstar in a way it’s a healthy relationship despite all its ups and downs. 

Lucifer on the other hand as we have seen since Season 1 he has been very assertive to his sexual relationships but in the kisses of 2x11 and 3x23 he let Chloe set the pace. The only time he initiated a kiss due to the circumstances it was in 4x10. Now in 5x05 we see both of them start their decision to progress their relationship to a sexual one. 

For a being that constantly fled any form of commitment and abhorred notions of surrendering power and control it is interesting to see his choices in 5x06. First of all if we go back to his sexual history we shall see for example how his lovers in 2x14, were all describing a person who took control in the bedroom as he knew their desires and became a tool to fulfill them. You cannot have an emotional connection to a tool as you may very well know hence why none of Lucifer’s lovers ever looked back or would ever be willing to kill for him. Additionally in 3x13, it’s interesting of how Lucifer exhibits himself as a giver to the Korean mob boss. A tragic self-awareness if we want to be honest. 

We can say that Lucifer is mainly a pleaser but at the same time he rebels when he is enforced or constricted by something. It is why like the song describes (Pull me back, out of my body I'm tied to my limbs They're spinning me out of control) being bound to yourself gives out this sense of vibration, where you want to be set free but also cocooned into a blanket of security. Because sometimes it’s not about setting a person open like a starfish but making sure to sooth their violent tremors and let them rest than be painfully rigid. 

Now let’s follow the rest of the lyrics. 

In the corners of my mind Long forgotten, lost in time Turning stones to look for light It's dark out here in the dead night

Always in my perception of things, the theory of relativity is prominent here in my opinion. It’s about time and how when we are alone time seems unclear, passing but it creates a still numbness, overthinking and we are getting lost in a self-constructed mind maze. Basically what has happened to our characters througout the seasons. While they doubt themselves, trying to find a meaning behind each other’s reactions and decisions and even the world they live in. 

The ‘light’ part, for me at least, it’s a synonym of time. Of change and change often brings hope and progress. I mean progress is based on the concept that time exists and is passing so everything can only move forward whether they like it or not, but where can you find light and thus time when you are in a state of self-isolation from your wants and feelings? 

So in 5x06 we see Lucifer and Chloe stretching out only to let the other in. Their awareness of freedom is having the other in their arms, to emotionally and physically consume them until there is no clear indication they were once two separate beings, but careful we are talking about their emotional connection. As I have aforementioned, they retain their attributes as individuals and as we see in 5x07 they word and respect each other for that. About what is shared and how a relationship is not the end of ones self but neither the surrendering of everything that makes you unique. 

Change is never easy and never slowly paced and it is why the line of the lyrics: 

For a moment, I was gone. Speed of light right to the red dawn. 

For me it’s when the clock starts ticking from both ends without that meaning it’s a countdown. Mornings are set to be the set of new beginnings after all but they all require a sacrifice, a red one in preference. Hence the: 

In this space, do I belong?

Breaking insecurities is hard as one set of them is replaced by yet another and it is a great song if we get it under that scope. That a relationship and particularly sex is not the resolving of everything but the transcription of yet another set of adventures down the road. 

And the: 

It's dark out here in my own thoughts. 

Will remain a part of Lucifer’s theme in P2 but also in Season 6 so no idea if they went that far in the meta level but knowing your partner needs helps and there will be dark spells, after all bad spells it’s part of life. There is no easy fix as you will see. No matter what will be resolved, a troubled mind will remain one. The question is how you will tackle the difficulties and the bad days or moments. That is all. And the difficult moments will also be the good moments. Weird thinking for some I know but we cannot expect life, even a made up one to be perfect or even easy. 

So Tether Me.

Bind me in a safe place alongside you, without the possibility to harm you or myself, to be free because I’m with you and the perception of how grand a world is, it’s but a matter of debate and time.