#this is why I don’t leave my room

[alchemyofmaya]

I met a man. a man that things could’ve gone really well with. a man I expressed my needs and boundaries with. a man I felt completely secure with, until I didn’t. Life was life, lack of communication and clarity triggered my anxious attachment, and then his nonchalance and avoidance, triggered my avoidant attachment and I, in a fog of my own emotions, pushed him away.. not wanting him to have to deal with the chaos that I sometimes come with, when I feel unsafe.

Not wanting to be a burden, but at the same time hoping that he would think I’m still worth the investment, that my pain isn’t too much, that he would want to be the space where I could learn to handle it. Pushing him away showing him what a mess I am, but hoping he still wanted to learn to love me through the mess (imma lil psycho but really not).

In the past, for one I would never have risked expressing my needs and boundaries, just accepting the inconsistency and breadcrumbing. But I swear I was having panic attacks, my intuition was yelling at me that something needed to be said, that I needed to speak up for myself even through the fear of losing him or coming off as too needy or sensitive.

And I would’ve stayed too long, begging for bare minimum affection. But healing has taught me to value my worth. At least I’m making progress. All I could think of was that little girl, so abused and traumatized, who didn’t want to hide her pain anymore and just wanted to be around someone who would see that pain, and still want to hold her.

So I had to say something, even if I didn’t say it in the best way (I’m still learning). I faced a real fear.

And then he didn’t reply. So I had to face another. Of not taking it personal. Of realizing that he truly doesn’t have the capacity to deal with that, and that has nothing to do with my worth, and that is okay. My fear of abandonment and rejection.. all in one.

Instead of pining and crying over him and thinking of ways to manipulate and control the situation, to make him see my worth and want to stay.. I’m staying with myself. With these emotions. Realizing, that in isolation yes I learned what I needed to heal and mechanisms I can practice to cope and deal, but I need to face the situations that scare me, in order to be able to nurture the core wounds, that will be triggered.. until I do have a support system that won’t set off my fight-or-flight response, and will give me the reassurance that makes me feel seen, heard.. safe and secure.

I don’t need another person to help me heal. I do need the support to feel safe enough to face the parts of myself that are too broken for me to face and heal alone. I have to admit that to myself first. There’s no shame in needing people (I’m learning).

Anyways. No more bypassing. Even if at the moment I’m doing it alone. I’m gunna write here more, regardless of anyone reading or not, tumblr has always made me feel not so alone.

[greyshuhh]

“I know it’s for the better”

[fantasykiri5]

2nd Artfight attack of the year! This one is of Xata Field, belonging to @rev-hd !!! Her design is so cool… it kept tripping me up when I read she was only 5’9”, she keeps registering as like 7 feet tall in my brain!

[thejadecount]

I don’t know why but I have a strong feeling that Separated! Donnie and B.E.A.S.T. Donnie would get along disturbingly well.

[danielnelsen]

things aren’t going well with peach. while i think my dad’s very right to be concerned that she hasn’t eaten anything in nearly 60 hours (obviously i am too), im becoming increasingly concerned that she hasn’t slept at all in around 36 hours and prior to that she was under anaesthetic, which isn’t exactly restful, so it’s closer to 48 hrs

like dad took her back to the vet today and we’ve got injections for her painkillers now because she’s not eating, and also injections for fluids (because she doesn’t drink; she only gets water from her food), so the not eating is Bad but also kinda under management, but if she doesn’t sleep soon i’m extremely worried. dad was like ‘if she doesn’t eat by tomorrow afternoon we’ll take her back because the injections will run out’ but like. if she doesn’t sleep tonight we have GOT to take her back first thing in the morning so they can sedate her or something

[pixlmonkeys]

I say this with the deepest sense of hatred imaginable, fuck this article

[i-am-the-balancing-point]

you are not gonna be able to guess what lucky circumstances I managed to accidentally get myself into this time lmao I secured myself a spot at a nude drawing class without even knowing it was a nude drawing class. it’s absolutely fantastic tho! the class is usually super popular and spots are hard to get so I was really lucky

[rhysdoesstuff]

Every day I get to thank my lovely father who gave me the lovely thing where I cannot stand the sound of people eating. It drives me absolutely insane, and I just ignored it for years because how in the world am I supposed to tell someone that I am getting mad at them eating? Anyways, come to find out a few weeks ago, it’s an actual thing, and my dad and all my uncles also have it, and apparently it can be hereditary? So yeah. I have them to thank.

[millidew]

what if instead of writing my essay i went back to my p4 roots and drew awkward yosukan yuri

[ashxxgyu]

I don’t understand why everyone in this house feels the need to be unnecessarily loud when talking on the phone.

[angstitty]

I’m such a “never want to leave the house” and “I want to go home” person.

[whimsycore]

The way queer white people have always antagonized me and forced hostile interactions then become scared when I start meeting them with a blank face or show them I’m not going to be a doormat is crazy.

[sassmill]

Probably just the likely PMDD (and I am keeping a system journal ahead of my appointment on Tuesday) but every time I am watching tv on the couch and a member of my family walks in and turns on the lights I want to commit violence. They’re not even coming into the room to do anything, they just think that I should have the lights on and don’t ask, they just do.

[sadgirlautumn]

.

[canisvesperus]

🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🐺

[rhys-is-puffs]

Changed my mind I think I will have kids because after living with my roommates I think I’m fully fucking equipped to handle a two year old