#this is sleep deprivation and paranoia

[commissionsdarian]

Sorry. I appreciate it. A lot. But don't compliment me

[vse-kar-vem]

kris said "cue fanfiction" i said "but i can't write on command" he said "draw then i dont fucking care"

[the-girl-with-too-many-ideas]

You know, from the perspective of the SVSSS world, Shen Yuan and the system would be regarded as Lovecraftian horrors if you think about it.

[deityofhearts]

okay so I know I say this a lot but I’m planning an outfit that I think is going to seriously slay

[that-jack-kline-bestie]

I’m in that stage of sleep deprivation where you can’t sleep

[straightlightyagami]

I’m slightly less scared today than the past few days but the all encompassing feeling that I am being Watched and that They Are Going To Get Me (this time it’s in general and not being convinced specific people in my life are going to kill me like on some other occasions) does not go away. it constantly feels like there is someone standing behind me. or just present nearby. Ominous in general. my partner tried to talk me down from it and managed to convince me to sleep for a bit but the thing does not go away. Like what do you even do to make this better? Does anyone have any idea?

[thelunarsystemwrites]

Story time- (TW for delusions, sleep deprivation, panic!)

Sooooo... I've had my fair share of delusional episodes. I've had my fair share of not sleeping. But, those two combined... aren't great.

So my worst one, I had stayed up for 24+ hours, I think? And I was hyperfixated on an RP I was doing.

And, suddenly I needed to get a drink, but nOOO. My brain said, "there is literally a demon outside your door, it will kill you." And, uhm

Yeah, I stayed in my room for hours.

Delusions aren't fun.

[subdee]

Subdue! How are y'all doing?

Good... except tumblr for some reason didn't show me this ask until three days later... aha.

I'm chugging along with the new parent life - the baby will be 100 days old next week - all the cliches about the difficulty of parenting are true but they don't capture the details.

Like how I was so sleep deprived for the first couple months that I would HALLUCINATE the baby in bed next to me, and even when I knew - I KNEW! - that he was in his bassinet next to the bed, while half-asleep I would still touch the pillow or a lump in the covers and it would FEEL like the baby and I would SEE him there. Even though I knew he was not there. That was trippy!

Or how some babies, like mine, have what's called a "shalow latch" which in laymen's terms mean HE CHOMP on the nipple.

(But he's learned how to breastfeed without doing that by now... and it only took two and a half months >_> so now I get to enjoy feeding time with him for another, like, two weeks, before I head back to work LOLOLOL and in the meantime I thought I would try using the breast pump to get used to it and got a painful fungal infection, one of many things new moms all know about but that they don't tell you about so as not to discourage you from ever having kids or breastfeeding them.)

Or how you'll read all this stuff online about awake windows or sleep routines and how important it is to not do ANY of the easy things to help the baby fall asleep, like putting him in the swing or car seat or feeding him to sleep. And how you're supposed to put him in the crib "drowsy, but awake" so he'll learn how to fall asleep on his own but it's actually impossible because your particular baby spits up half his food after meals if you don't hold him upright 20-30mins but during that time he just falls asleep on your shoulder.

And on and on, but actually we are already out of the newborn stage and through most of these challenges (for now knock on wood). Now we're in the infant stage which is a lot more fun.

I'm putting all this TMI stuff here because you asked, but the truth is I'm really enjoying my time with Baby, especially lately. I know all new parents probably think this but MY baby is an actual genius, he's always looking around at everything, and he's already rolling and trying to sit up. He's gotten better at keeping his food down, better at recognizing when he's hungry or tired or gassy or bored, and better at communicating what he wants with his hands. Every day he does something new that he couldn't do before! Plus now that I can like, actually leave the house with the baby my mental health has improved a lot -_-b We've been going to the library and we're doing swim classes next week!

Plus he is super cute, this is not my bias speaking, it is true objective Fact.

[pepprs]

just went thru all of the notes on that post and like. YEAH. it’s a fucking wonder. like i should get to scream. i should get to lie down. i should get to have as many treats as i want for free.

[kkujo]

last night i had a mix of tinnitus and sleep deprivation induced auditory hallucinations which was basically just like. literal microphone feedback. and i think it was triggered by me testing my microphone yesterday bc the feedback was awful but yeah i was lying awake and all i could hear was extremely loud microphone feedback in my brain i'm so glad it's over 😭

[iris-echos]

If i ever forget every piece of media i ever consumed the first thing i would do would be to listen to the magnus archives and put everything on my evidence board like i was never able to do when i listened to it the first time

[anintroverteddarling]

I... stayed up until 4:30 AM so haha delulu go brrr

[babsaros]

How did you know you were gay?

ah, couple reasons i guess. some that only became obvious with like 15 years of hindsight, and only after pulling myself out of the deep dark pit of compulsory heterosexuality.

like. classic symptoms of lesbianism include shamefully staring at the floor when you pass the women's underwear racks in the department store, even though you're not quite sure why you're uncomfortable. that sort of thing.

i have memories from early elementary school of accidentally glimpsing down a girl's shirt at recess and then bottling up that feeling and refusing to think about it. any time i had a crush on a boy, it was from an extremely idealized and safely non-actionable distance. the one time i did have a boyfriend, it was just my guy best friend from middle school, we dated for barely a school year before i ended it and the most physical intimacy i was ever comfortable with was holding his hand when we walked to class. i went to a different school's prom because a guy i was kind-of friends with asked me, and spent the whole night uncomfortably avoiding eye contact.

basically i started questioning my sexuality towards the end of high school, when i noticed myself getting like. jealous about my guy best friend's girlfriends?? like. i wanted to date them. i wanted to steal them from him lmao. i thought girls were pretty and soft and nice and cute and i was too afraid of being a predatory creep to do anything about it besides have far-fetched daydreams, but there was no heterosexual explanation. like, i hugged a girl i thought was pretty one time and it did things to my brain. that memory got locked in for life.

i identified as ace/pan early on, but again- compulsory heterosexuality. the idea of being with a guy romantically or sexually was never actually appealing. i had just been told that was what i was supposed to want my entire life, and the movies do a great job of selling that fantasy. but really i was just a lonely depressed helpless romantic teenager that wanted to be loved lol.

a large part of why i identified as asexual was because i was so sex-repulsed by the idea of penetration, honestly? (which i have since gotten over, but specifically Only with girls. the idea of having sex with a man still icks me out, and my preference is definitely femme-presenting ppl) a bit of it was probably also because i hadn't unpacked gender yet either. it made it very difficult to actually imagine myself having sex with anyone ever lol. this is gonna sound so cringe to say, but reading gay smut did awaken things in me.

in conclusion, tldr, i just like to think about tits and kissing women sometimes, idk. thanks for coming to my tedtalk.

[brainfilehasstoppedworking]

I have some art I wanna show but like. Idk if I should fjdbej. I'm just waiting for a text back I guess.

[wizardlyghost]

fuckin. i thought i was done with the "agonizing over career choices" part of job hunting when i submitted a resume, but out of goddamn nowhere another apprenticeship opportunity has fallen right into my lap. with applications closing tomorrow. so now on this day when i am so very exhausted i have been launched straight into the incredibly stressful business of asking myself what i want. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[honeysucklethornsandalligtrhorns]

good news!! instead of the distended, entire night-lasting, low, looming sense of fear I’ve had since I started listening to TMA, last night I instead experienced about a minute and thirty second period of pure, espresso-shot terror!! I was incredibly certain that at any moment I would be stabbed or suffocated and completely certain that there was someone in my room!!

the rest of the night was an easy comfy feeling. pretty good trade off tbh cause I could actually sleep with my night light off!!