#this is probably a reminder that i should drink and eat healthier

[paladinsbrainrot]

i literally cannot drink diet coke for more than three sips or else my stomach literally ruptures does anyone else have this problem it's so annoying

[prettieinpink]

LITTLE WAYS TO LIVE HEALTHIER IN 2025

INCREASE YOUR N.E.A.T. Neat stands for non exercise activity thermogenesis. So, basically any daily activities we do when not exercising or sleeping. It's important for you to have a high N.E.A.T because it can be the difference between having a sedentary lifestyle or being moderately active. 

Ways to increase NEAT is to do more heavier chores everyday (vacuuming, mopping, dusting), taking the longer routes when walking, stand for 10 minutes each hour, pace back and forth while calling someone, march while you’re brushing your teeth, etc. 

DRINK HERBAL TEAS. Herbal teas can help you in a variety of areas of life, and are a great substitute for other processed beverages. 

ADD SUNLIGHT IN YOUR MORNING. Exposing yourself to sunlight early in the day helps with resetting the circadian rhythm, which in return helps for waking up easier and going to sleep easier. 

EAT WITHOUT DISTRACTIONS. You’ll savour your food so much more and it’ll be easier to tell when you’re satisfied. 

CREATE A PLAYLIST FOR WHEN YOU WIND DOWN. Once you get into the habit of listening to this playlist, it’ll become like a trigger to your body that it’s time to sleep because listening to that playlist  should be followed by settling into bed. 

 REGULARLY GO TO YOUR GP. Especially if you’re feeling a bit out of it. It is always better to make those regular visits and catch something before it becomes out of hand. 

STOP WAKING UP SO EARLY. I don’t know who needs to hear this, but waking up at 5am is unnecessary if not required. While I do believe that waking up earlier does have benefits, that extra hour of sleep probably has more. 

IF YOU’RE STRUGGLING, TAKE IT SLOWER. In this day and age, we don’t have time to process a lot of things. Everything is so fast paced, that if we fall behind, we tend to feel less than. 

Especially if you’re someone who can’t keep pace with the crowd due to disabilities or mental health. Take things at your own pace, and do what you can will yourself to do. 

GET SPIRITUAL. Lots of studies show that people who commit themselves to their beliefs are a lot happier in life than those who don’t. This doesn’t mean that you have to commit to a religion yet, but I would explore your spirituality side and see what  resonates with you. 

WEAR YOUR SPF. Skin cancer is no joke, and our earth is only getting hotter. Protect yourself, including your body! 

SURROUND YOURSELF WITH GOOD PEOPLE. People who radiate love and are always looking for the goodness around them, that rubs off on you and in return you’ll develop similar traits. Being with them will stimulate growth in all aspects of your life. 

I'm not telling anyone to ‘fix’ anyone, but it means a lot to other people if you can be that person in their life. It's a very rewarding and fulfilling lifestyle.  

TAKE MAKEUP BREAKS REGULARLY. Give your skin a break from products, and ideally take a week off each month to spend it makeup free. You’re saving time and your skin. 

ADD IN FRUITS, HERBS OR LEMON IN YOUR WATER. This will help with extra hydration and improve digestion. 

PRIORITISE FIBRE. As much as protein is good for you, fibre has just as much importance but it's not as heavily prioritised. Ideally, half of your meal should be fibres. However, that can be a hard change for some people, so start with having it on the side. 

It's great if you can incorporate ‘hidden’ fibre into your meals as well!

CURATE YOUR SPACE TO SUIT YOU. Add in little notes of reminders or quotes, place around photos or awards of your achievements, remove anything that impacts you negatively. You want the area that you’re in 24/7 to support that growth, not stifle it. 

Keep your area clean and decluttered as well. Try to minimise the amount of stuff that you have. You only need one of each thing, two is one too many. Having too much clutter affects the clarity of your mind.

it is numbered oddly because of the way I pasted this from google docs to tumblr. apologies!

[weightloss35]

Weight Loss for Beginners: A Simple, No-Nonsense Guide

So, you’ve decided to lose weight. Maybe your jeans are feeling a little tighter, or you’re just tired of feeling sluggish. Whatever the reason, you’re here because you want to get started. But let’s be honest—weight loss can feel overwhelming. Diets, workouts, calorie counting… where do you even begin?

Relax. Take a deep breath. You don’t need to turn your life upside down overnight. Instead, let’s break it down into a simple, realistic, and—dare I say—enjoyable journey.

1. Start with Your ‘Why’ 🧐

Before you jump into meal plans and workout routines, ask yourself: Why do I want to lose weight? Is it to feel healthier? To have more energy? To gain confidence? Having a clear reason will keep you motivated when things get tough (and trust me, they will).

Write your "why" down. Stick it on your fridge, your bathroom mirror, or your phone’s lock screen. When motivation dips, this will remind you why you started.

2. Forget Crash Diets 🚫🍽️

Let’s get this out of the way: extreme diets don’t work in the long run. Sure, you might lose 10 pounds in two weeks, but if you're starving and miserable, you’ll likely gain it all back (plus more). Instead of chasing quick fixes, focus on sustainable changes.

Start small:

✅ Swap soda for water.

✅ Add more veggies to your meals.

✅ Reduce portion sizes gradually.

No need to go from burgers to salads overnight. Small, consistent changes are the secret sauce to lasting weight loss.

3. Move Your Body, But Keep It Fun 🎉🏋️

Exercise shouldn’t feel like punishment. You don’t have to spend hours in the gym if that’s not your thing. The goal is to move more, however you enjoy it.

Hate running? Skip it. Love dancing? Blast your favorite music and dance like nobody’s watching. Prefer something chill? Try yoga or long walks. The best workout is the one you’ll actually do.

4. Watch Your Portions (Without Weighing Every Bite) 🍽️

You don’t need to measure every gram of food, but portion control is key. Try using smaller plates, eating slower, and stopping when you’re 80% full.

A simple trick: Half your plate should be veggies, a quarter protein, and a quarter carbs. This helps you eat balanced meals without overthinking it.

Wait a second! Take a look at this incredible weight loss transformation—one of my students achieved this in just 6 months!, yes proper exercises and dieting help but you have to back it up with at least one weight loss supplement for better and faster results, If you're serious about losing weight, I highly recommend the same product that’s been helping my students see real results. It’s safe, effective, and free from side effects. Ready to start your own journey?

LINK IN BIO

You can do it too stop holding back, remember no one can do it for you

5. Drink More Water (Seriously, It Helps!) 💧

You’ve probably heard this a million times, but here’s why water matters:

It keeps you full, so you snack less.

It boosts your metabolism.

It helps your body flush out toxins.

Aim for at least 8 glasses a day. And no, soda or sugary juices don’t count!

6. Sleep & Stress Matter More Than You Think 😴💆

You could be eating healthy and working out, but if you’re constantly stressed and sleep-deprived, weight loss will be harder.

Lack of sleep messes with your hunger hormones, making you crave junk food. Stress does the same. Prioritize rest and find ways to relax—meditation, deep breathing, or even just laughing at funny videos can help.

7. Don’t Obsess Over the Scale ⚖️

Your weight will fluctuate daily. Some days you’ll lose, some days you won’t—it’s normal. Instead of stressing over numbers, focus on:

✅ How your clothes fit.

✅ How much energy you have.

✅ Your strength and endurance improving.

The scale is just one measure of progress. Don’t let it control you.

8. Be Kind to Yourself ❤️

Weight loss isn’t a straight line. You’ll have good days, bad days, and days where you eat an entire pizza. That’s okay! What matters is that you keep going.

One bad meal won’t ruin your progress, just like one salad won’t magically make you fit. Progress, not perfection, is the goal.

Final Thought: Just Start 🚀

You don’t need the perfect diet or workout plan to begin. Start where you are, make small changes, and build from there. Your future self will thank you!

Truth be told the whole process of losing weight is hard and stressful, it's better you backup your hard work with at least one weight loss supplement for better and faster results, try the same weight loss product all my students use, it works really well, LINK IN BIO

So, what’s one small change you can make today? Drop a comment and let’s do this together! 💪🔥

[mentalwell]

You SHOULD be BETTER This Year, Why You WON’T, & How to Affect Lasting Change

This year, I should exercise more, eat better, waste less time, volunteer more, smoke/drink less, have more meaningful work, be more productive/have more money, do more things on my "bucket list," and be a better person.

Perhaps I will get far enough into January to start feeling confident in the gym before forgetting to go or tragically losing my designated gym shorts. Maybe I will have enough money saved to spend it all on an extravagant Valentine's Day getaway. I may also make amends with that person I've had beef with for the past year before things get too busy to make any further connection with them. When all my resolutions fail, or perhaps when it comes the time of the year, I realize they have all fallen away; sometime between the middle of January to early March, I realize I am not a better person after all.

What does this all make me? A Typical New Year Resolutioner

Why do New Year's Resolutions fail? There are many reasons, which we will briefly view in a moment. Each of these reasons is essential to overcome any noticeable change in one's life. However, there is ONE reason they all ultimately fail, which is far more critical than any other reason.

Studies reveal that approximately 1/2 of individuals abandon their resolutions within the first few weeks and close to 2/3 by the end of February.

Dickson et al., 2023

While all reasons for change are necessary, the essential reason is the only one that will ultimately improve you. Before discussing the particular and general reasons we fail, let's use an example as a baseline.  

CRISPY PROSCIUTTO & FAILED MEALS

Early in my career, back in what we used to call "Internship," which is now an "Associate" clinician and paid far less than what Associates are now paid (not bitter at all!), my wife and I made a New Year's Resolution to eat healthier. Those were the days of ramen noodles and student loan debt, so finding the budget for healthy meals was challenging. But we were determined! Things started off well: brown-butter crispy prosciutto butternut squash soup, Tuscan grilled chicken kale salad, gochujang grilled shrimp (because I'm straight up extra in the kitchen), and other savory dishes.

Of course, after a week of eating like this, on a shoestring budget, we ran out of ingredients in our pantry and funds in our bank account. Sooo … Taco Bell? I gained five pounds that month.

While retrospectively humorous, this experience perfectly illustrates why so many New Year's Resolutions fail. The goal of eating healthier is ambiguous—what does that even mean? It lacks specificity: Eat healthier, how? There is no plan; maybe don’t blow your entire budget in a week. The goal lacks any clear meaning: Why should we eat healthier? There are probably some other points that are lacking. Let’s take a look at the common reasons resolutions fail.

TOP 10 REASONS NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONERS FAIL

While each of these points could be a blog post or a long conversation in themselves, backed by mountains of research, here are a few considerations for each:

Don't rely on motivation for anything. It is fleeting and unreliable. Discipline, however, is unyielding. Force yourself to follow through — Jocko Willink

We can build up motivation to begin some new change. However, as the example above shows, life gets busy, and slipping back into old options or habits is easy. Finding ways to stay motivated is important, such as tracking your progress, rewarding yourself for milestones, and reminding yourself why you set the resolution in the first place.

If we consider the example of working out early in the morning, nothing is more motivating than staying in bed and getting more sleep at 4:00 a.m. However, motivation alone is not sufficient to establish and maintain change.

Rather than relying solely on motivation (based on things outside yourself) or temporary motivation (to be motivated when you need to do something), build on the momentum that will propel you into your goals… motivation will kick in along the way. For example, rather than relying on the motivation to be “healthier” at 4:00 AM, set your alarm on your phone and put your phone and keys in your tennis shoes. To turn the alarm off, you already have everything in hand to walk out the door.

We do need motivation, regardless. However, it needs to be something we truly value, inherently identify with, deeply believe in, and truly want. Until we have this, we must rely on momentum for positive movement.

In the absence of willpower the most complete collection of virtues and talents is wholly worthless — Aleister Crowley

Like motivation alone, while necessary, willpower can peter out. While willpower can indeed become stronger over time, it can also unexpectedly give out when faced with challenges, difficulties, or just time. Relying solely on willpower to achieve your resolutions can be exhausting and ultimately unsustainable in the long run. It's important to recognize that while willpower plays a significant role, incorporating additional strategies can support and enhance your journey toward achieving your goals.

Think of being at work on any given Thursday at 2:00 PM. No matter how powerful your will is, your energy level will start dragging, and you add distractions, setbacks, difficulties, and waning motivation… willpower is struggling to stay awake, not to mention being super productive.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them. ― Henry David Thoreau

Often, New Year’s Resolutions are based on a fantastical image we hold in our imagination of who we should be or doing what we think we should do to be infinitely and inconceivably happy (which is simply impossible - since happiness is a temporary feeling that cannot last). With this fantasy self in mind, we set the bar too high for our goals. When we don’t see fantastic results, we can become discouraged and may give up. It’s better to begin with small, realistic, achievable goals and gradually build upon them.

A goal without a plan is just a wish — Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

What do “better,” healthier,” and “more” mean? These are ambiguous terms that don’t mean much. If you have a target in mind, having specific, measurable goals (like losing 10 pounds by this date, saving $15 a week, add a vegetable to every meal) will give you a direction to move. This direction can make it easier to track progress and helps you stay focused.

Plans are nothing; planning is everything — Dwight D. Eisenhower. 

Resolutions often fail because people lack a concrete plan for achieving their goals. While we could spend weeks on this topic, starting by breaking down goals into more manageable ones may be helpful. Establishing a realistic and achievable timeline for each step may make them easier to accomplish.

How do you plan to practically meet your goals, for setbacks, for distractions, for lack of motivation, and for continuously monitoring success over time?

Accountability breeds response-ability — Stephen Covey

“As long as I add one carrot on the side of my single-serving extra-large pizza dinner, I’m being healthy, right?” I convince myself.

“As long as I apply to the Ministry of Silly Walks (below) to increase my daily steps, I’ll be healthy, right?”

As pure as your motivations may be, the resolve of your willpower, or your ability to plan for specific goals, your ability to deceive yourself may override the best-laid intentions. Having someone who can help you focus on reaching your goals and having a guide along the way may point to a better path forward.

Who can you trust to hold you to your own aspirations?

Show me your thoughts, and I’ll show you your future (cf. Dan Pena)

Focusing too much on setbacks, difficulties, or mistakes can hinder progress. My wife and I don’t allow our children to say the word “can’t,” as it breeds learned helplessness and focuses only on the negative. If you are solely focused on what is not good, what is not working out, or what is not you to progress forward precisely as you wanted, all that will exist in your mind will not work. Instead, concentrate on the positive aspects, celebrate your achievements, your potential, and your strengths, no matter how small, recognize the negative as something to overcome, and keep moving forward.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work — Thomas Edison 

So, it’s Jan. 2, and you’ve already failed your New Year’s Resolution? Effecting change requires purposeful intentionality and adaptability as much as resilience and planning.

Recognizing barriers, or ‘demotivating’ factors, is just as important, if not more important, than identifying a plan of attack. Understanding these obstacles allows us to find ways to be more effective and increase the chance we might meet our goals. Rather than seeing obstacles and barriers as reasons to stop, find new ways to think about getting to your goal. *Maybe a 4:00 AM exercise time is unrealistic. Perhaps, instead, 2:00 PM works better for your schedule. Being too fixed on the specifics (e.g., time) stops your progress dead in your tracks.

Stop shoulding on yourself ― Dr. Albert Ellis

Have you ever heard the phrase "don't should on yourself"? It's common in the mental health world, and it's all about that inner voice that tells you you're not good enough as a person. It's not just about needing to improve at something – it's that deep-down feeling that you're inherently flawed compared to everyone else.

When you're stuck in that "shoulding" mindset, you start to believe that if you were truly a good person, you'd already be doing all those things you "should" be doing. And since you're not, well, that must mean something's wrong with you. Shoulding is judging yourself against some impossible standard, leading to this cycle of self-criticism and pressure.

Being overly self-critical, applying intense obligatory pressures to perform, and evaluating yourself on external (rather than internal) standards of what you should be is shoulding on yourself.* This leads to burnout, failure, and increased worthlessness. 

*Having standards is good if based on your actual values and beliefs. High standards of accomplishment are good, if based on external goals to be accomplished and not on your intrinsic value as a human being.

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance — Alan Watts

The #1 reason for failed New Year Resolutioners is relying on a temporary resolution rather than a revolutionary change in life's discipline and increasing the development of one’s character. I’m unsure how adding exercise to life fundamentally changes my overall human experience. Yes, I’ll be healthier. Yes, I’ll feel better. Yes, it is a great first step. If I stop there or think this somehow changes everything else, I’ve already set myself up for failure.

We try to use the Fresh-Start Effect phenomenon to effect change we don’t feel confident to change on our own. The Fresh-Start Effect, fundamentally, means we use a natural transition to start fresh, as if from a blank slate. This can be the start of a new year, a new month, a new job, a new living place, etc. While this can be effective sometimes, if we change nothing else and make all the other mistakes listed above, there is no real hope for sustaining change.

So, it’s January 2nd or February 28th, and you must reevaluate your New Year Resolutions? Consider instead what is problematic about maintaining these goals, habits, and thoughts. Think about ways to overcome these difficulties. Do not let temporary setbacks stop your progress forward.

FROM FAILED RESOLUTIONER TO SELF-REVOLUTIONARY

Rather than being a New Year Resolution (focusing on fantastical, non-motiving, unwilled, ambiguous goals, like exercising more, because that’s what people do on Jan 1), be a Self-Revolutionary (have goals of self-mastery: establish a routine that encourages the health of mind, body, soul, and social well-being).

Sometimes, resolutions fail because they address a symptom rather than the root cause. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, but you're using food to cope with stress or emotional issues, you may struggle to make lasting changes until you address those underlying issues. Perhaps there is a fear of being seen in the gym and being seen as less than. Possibly, some addictions keep you shackled to unhealthy behaviors, which will take more than any of the solutions listed above to champion.

Practice Purposeful Intentionality (watch for an upcoming Mental Well Mini-course on Purposeful Intentionality) and have a balanced life focusing on your values, beliefs, and genuine self-improvement goals continuously in mind to better master:

Focus on Truly Meaningful Motivation (why does this matter to you?)

Have Accountable Self-Compassion (Replace self-criticism with kindness and understanding, focusing on bettering rather than belittling.)

Create Sustainable Habits (Focus on small, incremental change and build toward long-term wellness)

Embrace the Chaotic Journey (Recognize that wellness and lasting joy are ongoing processes, not destinations, and mastering them requires balance and intentionality.)

Move beyond the New Year Resolutioner mindset and embrace the ongoing Self-Revolutionary way of living. Reflect on your goals, connect them to your values, and commit to becoming wholly yourself. It's time to rise and revolutionize your life!

I hope you have a Happy New Year that is full of wellness and joy!

Dickson, J. M., Hart, A., Fox-Harding, C., & Huntley, C. D. (2023). Adaptive Goal Processes and Underlying Motives That Sustain Mental Wellbeing and New Year Exercise Resolutions. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 20(2), 901. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20020901 

[heather-ouo]

Honkai&oc x (step) sibling! Reader ( Headcanon)

Kiana Kaslana addition

——————————————————————————————————

things to remind

(f/m) - favourite manga

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[ Kiana Kaslana ] 

_ after been rescued by Siegfried

When K-423 was taken into the family you were confused and asked Siegfried where’s Kiana, he didn’t have the guts to tell you the fact when the plane exploded they were separated from Kiana.

-

K-423 is dumbfounded to watch the youngest as they run around the room crying for their real sibling instead of the clone.

-

It took three years for you to accept the clone but you never called her by Kiana, instead is “ Onee-san ” and the twins start to wander around the world after Siegfried left them due to the unknown.

-

So after some years the twins enter a school called “ Chabi academy ” and become friends with a girl named Mei saving her

-

from the rooftop. The two of you protected Mei from all the trouble like two Knights protecting their princess.

-

You find it odd how Kiana has such a weird tendency towards Mei like when she takes out one of Mei’s panties whenever she is gone for groceries since Kiana invited her to live with you two, but hey Kiana has a way to zip your mouth by giving you (f/m).

——— lost control 

When Kiana lost her control over the herrscher inside her, you and Himeko were the ones that stopped her. It caused a life for a life from Kiana’s point of view, Himeko is alive but she went into a coma due to overuse of Honkai and you?

-

Kiana watches in despair at your cracked body and fainted Himeko falls into the ocean as she faints due to the injection, Theresa immediately sends out Valkyries to find your body in the sea after she found Himeko floating on water near the beach and Kiana fainted on the beachside, but you were nowhere to be seen.

-

Unfortunately they only find your weapon and two blurry family photographs: two white haired adults with a white haired twins holding each other's hand, the other one is a white haired male kneed down on the snow with two white haired girls one of the twins has bandage over her right eye.

-

Mei did her best to cheer Kiana up with her favorite food in which it didn’t work out, she locked herself in your room. Kiana remembered you said something about going to your room if she ever felt upset or felt like a danger to the others while you were gone, she found a box with “ Onee-San only! >:( ” some letters for her and a book full of photographs of the family including Kiana.

Dear, Onee big si Kiana or whoever is reading this 

You probably find this while searching in my room while I'm out huh?

Maybe I told you where I hid it, or someone else found it and gave it to you.

Either way I have a feeling I should write this just in case.

I… have accepted you as my older sister a long time ago but.. it feels odd to call someone who has the same face as older sister, i have a name in mind but our stupid father decided to give her name to you.

It feels rude not calling your name but the name i always wanna call you is “ Diana ” only a letter different but is the best i could save for older sister if we could find her.

Diana.. you are more than a clone at this point we have already accepted you as our family member, that herrscher in your body.. let's say in the odd way… mom tried to adopt her and turns out not good, if you accidentally follow Auntie Theresa into “ that ” basement Istrapto lur ( rest is erased out)

That girl Mei.. She could be a great wife and I don't have to worry about you poisoning someone or yourself with your cooking. I wish you good luck getting her hands on marriage! You have my blessing and dad’s (Ps. Don't you think i didn’t know about it you secretly took pictures of Mei >:) ) 

Anyway, don't forget to drink some water and eat healthier!

Don’t miss me too much~

Ich☆liebe☆dich~

love, (y/n) Kaslana :D

——— becoming HoF

Bronya, Fu hua and Kiana step into the theater of Domination again due to Honkai reaction rises in the same spot, diving into the deep Puppets, the memory she hate to see, and you.. you sitting in the giant Mechanical hand of the Herrscher dressed in dark brown and golden clothes stares blankly at her, the sky blue no long shines replace with dull blue and the same cracks on you body is still there.

-

In the final battle you were placed safely in cover while Kiana gave her last strike and defeated The Herrscher of Dominance in the meantime she became The Herrscher of Flamescion.

-

You are in a vegetative state yet Kiana holds you close to her afraid if she lets go you will fade to dust.

-

Despite being in a vegetative state tears spill out like rain drops on Kiana’s shoulder letting the older know you are alive.

 . . .

    . .

       .

“ Diana onee-San! Wake up! Sister in law Is cooking your favorite food today! ”

“ i told you you can still call me Mei..”

“ Mei-senpai then. ”

“ Oi (Y/n)! Only i can call Mei as Mei-senpai! ”

“ YOU ARE MARRIED TO HER! IS MY TURN TO CALL MEI LIKE THAT! ”

“ YOU WANNA GO?! ”

Mei have to stop the twin who’s pulling each weapons out before they flip the roof again.

——————————————————————————————————

Masterlist

————————————

I swear to god the crossroad near my house is cursed

It’s the fourth crush this year

——————

tagging people ( permission asked :D )

@azukaaa

And that other person i try to tag

( IT WONT COME UP)

[superhero--imagines]

Part 1 Here! / Part 2 Here! / Part 3 Here! / Part 4 Here! / Part 5 Here! / Part 6 Here! / Part 7 Here! / Part 8 Here! / Part 9 Here! / Part 10 Here! / Part 11 Here! / Part 12 Here! / Part 13 Here! / Part 14 Here! / Part 15 Here!

Donate to Higher Ground HERE!

Song for this Chapter - (X) 

A/N: Posted a day early because a few people asked me to, I think y’all are going to like this chapter :)

* “So what’s your pick (Y/N/N)?”

* You turn to your right, seeing Tyler’s grinning face.

* “Pick for what?” You take another modest sip from your glass.

* Conner’s throwing a party at his house since his parents will be gone all weekend.

* Half the school must be here, his house is almost as big as the Cullen’s

* Tyler exchanges a look with Conner and Mike and grins.

* The three of you and Angela are sitting in his Dad’s study, drinking his finest brandy

* You’ve just been taking very small polite sips to throw off any suspicions

* The upside to being a vampire: you can’t taste anything other than blood so the alcohol just tastes like water

* The downside: you stay drunk until you force yourself to throw it up

* “F*ck, Marry, Kill: me, Conner, and Mike.”

* You wrinkle your nose and Angela laughs

* “Gross questions like that are why I don’t sit with you guys at lunch anymore.” The others laugh and you take a sip of you drink as Tyler grins

* “It’s a game, everyone’s gone except you”

* Have they? You’ve been pretty tuned out, Jessica and Bella left to go to the bathroom like 20 minutes ago.

* To add, you haven’t seen either Edward, Emmett, or Rosalie since you all came together in the jeep.

* Things are still...different between you and Edward

* He’s not outwardly hostile towards you or anything but...

* He doesn’t smile at you anymore

* Not like he used to, with that carefree boyish grin

* Just thinking about it gets you down

* You were fairly surprised when he said he would come with you, Rosalie and Emmett to Conner’s party.

* You were less surprised when he basically abandoned you as soon as you got into the house

* You’ve been trying to see if you can hear any of your friends in the house but you haven’t been able to distinguish any voices yet

* You sigh, holding your drink out to Mike

* “Marry,” the bright grin on his face almost makes you feel bad.

* “Kill, kill” your drink sways as you point to Tyler and Conner.

* Another roar of laughter

* “Hey that’s not fair, you can’t kill both of us!” Tyler protests, you roll your eyes moving to stand

* “Fine F*ck Conner, kill Tyler. Angela you wanna come with I’m going to the bathroom”

* You want to go see what’s holding Jessica and Bella up, but you don’t want to leave Angela alone with three boys.

* Mike’s here, and nothing would probably happen, Conner and Tyler are flirts but you like to think they wouldn’t do anything like that.

* Still you don’t want to risk it.

* She nods, gulping down the rest of her drink. Following you out.

* “Did you hear that?! They said they would f*ck me!” You hear Conner shout triumphantly after you’ve closed the door

* “Yeah but they said that they would kill you first, doesn’t count” Mike says, you hear the clink of ice as you assume he pours another drink

* “Oh getting arrogant just because they said they would marry you huh?”

* “Bet he wishes it was Bella who said she would marry him.”

* You roll your eyes holding out your hand to Angela

* “So we don’t get lost.” She smiles as she takes it. You have to practically slither through the crowd

* Conner’s house is needlessly complicated. Hallways that don’t lead anywhere and so many closets.

* The O’Malleys really should have hired Esme to design their house

* “Ah, there they are!” You see Jessica and Bella leaning against the railing of the second floor. It looks like they’re talking to someone-

* Oh it’s Edward

* Jessica notices you and works her way over to you

* But your eyes are glued to Edward and Bella, they haven’t even noticed you yet. Or that Jessica left them.

* Bella’s eyes are twinkling as she looks up at him, her cheeks are tinged pink, and Edward-

* He’s got a sparkle in his eye, his mouth quirked in that boyish lopsided grin.

* So that smile is really just for her now

* They really do look good together

* “Hey what’s wrong?” You didn’t even notice Jessica was standing in front of you.

* Are you crying right now? No of course not, you can’t cry.

* “Nothing! We were looking for you and Lauren. Mike and Tyler are playing this game that I think you two would be very into” you give her a sly wink and she blushes

* “I thought we came to go to the bathroom.” Oh sh*t you did use that as your excuse.

* “Well I didn’t wanna be obvious yknow?” You say to Angela, catching another glimpse of Bella and Edward behind her, looks like she’s laughing at something he said. “Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

* You turn your attention back to Angela who’s nodding.

* “Jessica why don’t you show her where it is, you just went right?” Jessica’s eyebrows thread together

* “Yeah I did but-“ she doesn’t want to leave you alone. Before you can reassure her you’ll be fine you feel someone throw their arms around you

* For a second your heart skips a beat.

* Edward?

* “Oh my god babes you look so cute, we have to take a picture together!”

* Oh it’s just Lauren

* Wait why are you disappointed? This is perfect.

* “Of course I was just looking for you!” You nod to Jessica and Angela. “We’ll meet you both back at Conner’s dad’s home office.”

* Jessica gives you a reluctant look but nods, leading Angela into the crowd.

* You take one last glance at Edward and Bella, from here he almost looks human.

* This is the way things are supposed to be.

* “Hey Lauren, wanna do some shots?”

* Lauren has her faults, but she’s always down for anything you might suggest. It’s kind of weird, but she reminds you a little of Alec.

* So you’re a little impressed when she finds a several bottles of vodka hidden in a various books.

* “Conner’s mom has a drinking problem, shhhhh don’t tell anyone”

* Yeah you kinda figured

* “We brought vodka!!” She shouts when she enters the study earning cheers from the rest of the boys.

* Looks like Jessica and Angela aren’t back yet.

* Lauren stole your spot on the armchair so she could flirt with Tyler. You sigh sitting carefully on top of the desk.

* “You leave with one girl and come back with another, how do you do it?” Conner’s got a devilish grin as he leans in to ask you.

* You drink straight from the bottle.

* You’re going to play a drinking game, anytime any of these boys try’s to flirt with you you take a drink.

* “I’m really hot.” You say bluntly

* Conner and Mike laugh

* “Yeah-I mean, yeah you definitely are.” Mike stutters

* If you were human you would probably be nervous by this situation, you’re basically sitting on the desk between Mike and Conner. Mike is on the end of the sofa, and Conner is sitting next to you in the office chair.

* But now that you’re a vampire, you could kill both of these boys with a simple flick of your wrist

* “So what’s going on between you and Cullen really?” Mike asks and you remember the look on Edward’s face when he was talking to Bella.

* “Nothing, we’re just friends” even less than that at this point. You’re just someone who lives in his house

* you’re worried they’re going to press further on the issue and all the emotions you’ve kept sealed away will come out overflowing.

* But they don’t, maybe Conner senses somethings happened because instead he says:

* “So you would f*ck me huh?” You laugh

* “Oh my god are you still stuck on that?”

* “And you said you would marry me?” Mike is grinning so wide he’s actually grinning.

* “You guys are ridiculous.” You’re laughing so hard you cover your mouth.

* “Alright, out of the entire friend group, f*ck, marry, kill, who are your picks?” Conner leans a bit closer, you wonder if he’s been eating healthier lately, he doesn’t smell nearly as bad as he used to.

* It’s still pretty bad, but now there’s a sweeter herbal undertone

* “Hmmm you guys go first I have to think” you lightly shove Conner by the shoulder and he actually rolls back a bit.

* “Alright hmmm-“ he rubs his chin in mock thought “well marry you of course-“

* “Of course” you nod taking another swig of Vodka

* “F*ck Mike”

* “What?” Mike is genuinely flustered and you grin

* “It’s that golden retriever vibe he gives off right?” You say and Conner nods

* “Exactly! Also he looks like a good cuddler.”

* “Definitely a little spoon”

* “Definitely”

* Mike looks like he’s going to combust from the attention from how red his face is.

* “Kill.... I guess kill Edward, the less competition the better” Conner gives you a meaningful look

* Well you don’t know how to feel about that so you just take another swig of Vodka. The more you drink the easier it’ll come out later right?

* “Your turn Mike.”

* “Marry Bella-“

* “Of course” you and Conner say in unison, clinking your bottle to his glass after you do.

* “Fuck you, kill Edward”

* “Damn no love for Edward at all huh?” You say with a gasp of surprise.

* You’re a little annoyed he didn’t pick Jessica.

* You like Bella and all, and her shy bookworm thing is kinda cute, but Jessica is clearly the superior choice.

* “Don’t deflect now that it’s your turn.” Conner lightly bumps your knee against yours

* Wait when did he move from the chair and sit beside you on the desk?

* You roll your eyes and take another swig of vodka

* “Marry Jessica,” they both sputter at that, Conner actually spits out his drink mid gulp.

* Ew Gross.

* “Fuck Conner, Kill Mike.”

* Conner does a fist pump and Mike looks genuinely hurt.

* “I’m sorry Mike but it’s either marriage or kill, there’s no in between.”

* Mike pouts, before sitting up straighter

* “I bet I’m a better kisser than Conner.”

* You take a long drink of Vodka

* “No way dude, you and I both used to date Lauren and I don’t think she would have dated me again after you if you were a better kisser”

* “That was in middle school! I had braces back then!”

* “Yeah, that’s why you’re so bad at kissing.” Conner says matter of factly taking a sip of his Dad’s brandy straight from the decanter

* “No, I had to lea-“

* “Oh my god would you both shut up?” You shout and let out a huff of annoyance before reaching out and grabbing Mike by the collar of his shirt, tugging him forward

* Your lips meet his briefly, your eyes are closed, and his are open. He adjust to the situation quickly, cupping your cheek and tilting his head slightly

* Not bad

* You break away, turning to Conner, he’s a bit more ready than Mike. He cups your face with both hands, mouth parting slightly as one of his hands slides into your hair.

* You break away sweetly, with one last peck.

* “Conner’s better” you say the bottle of vodka already on your lips. Conner’s laughing while Mike protests.

* “What-no, I wasn’t ready, I want another chance!” You roll your eyes as he looks at you expectantly

* “Fin-“ he breaks you off with his lips, this time is better than the last. He’s standing, and the angle adds to the technique, his hand is on the back your neck, tilting your chin up with the other

* Oh wow.

* You’re a little dazzled when you break apart. Jessica is one lucky girl.

* “Wait if he gets another chance I want one too.” Conner protests, you just nod dumbly.

* That was a really good kiss. You feel all warm and fuzzy.

* Before you can think Conner wraps an arm around your waist tugging you close, he dips you back before kissing you. You open your mouth from the surprise and he takes the opportunity to sweep his tongue in.

* You’re seeing stars, and then abruptly you’re yanked by the shoulder.

* Oh does Mike want another turn?

* Without even opening your eyes you kiss the person who pulled on your shoulder.

* These lips feel different then Mike’s, almost-sticky? Or is it slippery? They smell different too like boiled broccoli-

* Oh shit

* You hesitantly open your eyes, only to see a very shocked Jessica

* “Oh my god” you pull back quickly, cupping your hand over your mouth so you don’t kiss anyone else by accident “I’m so sorry Jess- I didn’t-“

* Before you can finish someone tugs your arm, you vaguely understand what’s happening, one of your arms grasped by a very strong hand and your other carrying a bottle of vodka.

* It’s Edward, you recognize the blue collared shirt he’s wearing, you bought him that shirt last year for his birthday.

* “E-Edward? Wait where-“ you turn to the side to see Jessica who’s standing very still, your eyes briefly meet Bella’s and they flash with-hurt?

* What did you kiss her too when you weren’t paying attention?

* “H-hey Edward that hurts!” If he heard you he doesn’t seem to care, dragging you through the party and through the cluster of people all along the front yard

* You’re vaguely aware of the stares your way. You both must look pretty weird, or at least like a couple of kids dying to f*ck

* All you can see when you look straight forward is Edward’s back. His broad shoulders and the slender curve of his back.

* For some reason, the safest place you can imagine is the middle of Edward’s back. You bet it’s so warm and safe to be nestled there.

* You bet it’s the place Bella feels the most safe in

* A prickle of irritation burns in you. And in your impatience when Edward starts to slow you wrap your arms around his waist-

* “(Y/N), what are you-“ He grumbles, but you don’t pay it any mind, you nestle your head in his back, right below the spot between his shoulder blades. Breathing his scent in deeply.

* Edward always smells so good, like Argon oil and Rosemary

* You feel him sigh, his hand resting over yours that are intertwined on his stomach

* You stay like that for a moment, you’re not sure how long, it might have been hours

* But it feels too soon when Edward pulls away from you.

* The whine of protest that’s building in the back of your throat dies when you see his face

* “Hey, what’s wrong, why are you upset?” A hand lifts to cradle Edward’s face. His mouth is pinched into a frown and his eyes... they look so sad

* Your compassion only seems to irritate him further because he shakes your hand off of his face

* You’re a little hurt, and very confused

* “What were you doing in there?” You can tell from the way his voice trembles he’s barely contains his anger

* “We were playing a game” you say in a small voice. Edward gives out a bitter laugh

* “And what game was that, spin the bottle?”

* “Who’s the better kisser actually” you mumble, looking down at your shoes feeling a little embarrassed

* “You can’t even imagine the vile thoughts they were-“ he cuts himself off, averting his gaze from you

* You feel like a bucket of cold water got dumped on you

* They’re your friends. You were just having a good time. It was all just harmless fun wasn’t it?

* oh god you kissed Jessica! Jessica your best friend.

* How are supposed to face her now

* “Have you been drinking?” He asks, tugging the bottle hanging limply from between your fingers.

* It’s almost empty, less than a quarter left.

* “H-hey I didn’t drink all of that, Lauren drank quite a bit too, and I’m pretty sure it was already half empty when we got it.” Edward raises an eyebrow and you avert your eyes. You’ve going through too much to handle facing him head on.

* “(Y/N), what’s going on, this isn’t like you” He let’s out a long sigh.

* Why did you drink so much?

* Maybe if he wasn’t so wrapped up in that human he would realize-

* Realize what? Where was that sentence going?

* You remember seeing Edward and Bella talk, the smile he gave her-

* No you can’t think about that right now

* “Nothing’s going on,” he looks at you skeptically and you look back to the ground “I just-I just want you to be happy Eddie.”

* He scoffs

* “You have a funny way of showing it.” He’s about to move back but your hand reaches out to stop him, resting on his forearm

* “No I really want you to be happy Edward, and I see the way you look at her-“

* “What?”

* “And I want you to know that it’s okay!” Your eyes stay fixed on his chest, the pocket of his shirt. “I know everyone around us, including Carlisle, have been hoping we would end up together, but don’t worry about that. You can say it was me if you need to, and-“

* He stops you by placing both of his hand on your face, your eyes meeting his.

* “What are you talking about?”

* This time you’re the one that scoffs

* “Bella of course,” he lets out some noise of disbelief, a mix of a scoff and a snicker

* “Bella? You think I love Bella?” He’s laughing at you! The criminal is laughing at you!

* “Im not stupid Edward!”

* “When have I ever said I have feelings for Bella?”

* “You don’t have to! I see the way you look at her! Like just now-when you were up by the stairwell, you looked at her like she was the only person in the room.”

* He doesn’t scoff now and he averts his eyes. You feel your heart sink a little.

* It’s okay, this is for the best.

* Bella’s going to give him everything he wants.

* Even a baby.

* You can’t give him that.

* “Oh my god Bella! She probably has the totally wrong idea! We have to go back, we have to-“ you’re already moving when you feel Edward grasp your arm, holding you back.

* Your eyebrows thread together in confusion

* “Edward what are you doing? We have to-“

* “I don’t love Bella” he interrupts.

* You’re confused, and then you’re angry.

* Is he lying to you? Straight to your face after you’ve already told him you know everything? Why even bother? What is he trying to save his pride or something, because you’re 100% sure that Bella’s feeling it just as much as he is

* “You don’t need to lie to me Edward-“

* “I’m not lying!” He tugs you closer, the bottle of vodka falling to the ground with a clang.

* You’re caged in his arms, each of his hands is holding your by the elbow. His gold eyes look straight into yours

* “There’s only one person I’ve ever loved,” a gentle smile curls onto his mouth. “They’re impossibly stubborn, when they get an idea in their mind. And they have no sense of self preservation whatsoever.”

* This sounds like Bella. Is this a trick or something?

* His eyes get warm as he looks down at you, his lips twitching as his smile widens

* “But they’re also very compassionate, they’re someone with endless amounts of hope, and everything around them is so-different- so fun! They make me feel....”

* he’s been inching closer this entire time, your chest is practically pressed against his.

* “Human” he finishes with a grin

* His forehead presses against yours and you feel butterflies erupt in your stomach.

* “I’m in love with you, (Y/N), it’s always been you.”

* Before you have time to process the bombshell Edward just dropped on you, Edward moves an inch closer and places his lips over your own.

* Your eyes are open at first, mostly from shock, but they drift close when Edward’s hand trails down the edge of you face, resting on your cheek.

* His kiss is so different from Mike and Conner’s kisses.

* Their kiss had been passionate, almost possessive.

* But Edward’s kiss- his kiss makes you feel safe.

* His hand rests on the small of your back, the other lightly touches the side of your face.

* It’s firm, but you know if you didn’t like his touch, if you wanted it to stop, you could end it anytime.

* He’s leaving you an escape

* He’s still your Edward, Your kind, considerate Edward.

* If you were human tears would prickle the corner of your eyes.

* Instead you stand on your toes, wrapping your arms around his neck to bring him in even closer.

* You’re seeing stars when he finally pulls away, and in your daze you actually follow him, stealing one last peck.

* You stand tall, looking straight into his eyes, he’s got the biggest goofiest grin you’ve ever seen

* Even goofier than the one he had when you said you would move with him to Forks.

* “Um, so how was I compared to Mike and Connor?”

* You roll your eyes, he’s still trying to lighten the mood with dumb jokes

* You doubt he needs you to answer. He knows you loved it. He’s so happy he’s glowing. You feel almost feel dizzy looking at him.

* And there’s a million things you want to say to him, but you don’t say any of them.

* Instead you lean over and puke all over his shoes.

* “That bad huh?”

BONUS:

* “Was it just me, or were they like really cold?” Mike asks, his lips still feel a little numb

* “Yeah, but I kind of liked it, it’s like ice play.” Conner grins, and then spares a glance to his friend “How you doing over there Jess thinking of coming down anytime soon?”

* Jessica’s got the widest goofiest grin on her face, her fingers trailing her lips every so often.

* Bella sits beside her with her mouth pinched into a frown

* “It’s always the blonde’s that have all the fun” She mumbles

Tags:  @moonlights27​ @thebluetint​ @the100thtwilight​ @awesomebooklover17​ @oneofthepotterheads​ @smileygirl08​ @imdoingathingmom​ @iconicgguk​ @yrawn​ @alyciaswhore​ @little-horror-show​ @wicked-watering-can�� @lazydreamers​ @ xxxmuxxx @ideas-for-you-to-adopt​​​ @poisoinedhope @maryleigh8796​​ @moose-squirrel-asstiel​​ @hotmessgoodness​ @jaimewho​ @corabmarie​ @what-am-i-doing10​ @alluring-venus​ @imdoingathingmom​

[sugurus-slxt]

emergency request

((t.w. eating disorder))

i am trying to recover from my ed by myself since i don't fit the stereotypical person with ed and it is also expensive... i would love to get some comfort/support from haikyuu boys (kindly include tsukishima pls) <3

Haikyuu Boys Comforting Their S/O with an Eating Disorder (emergency request)

A/Note: I’m really sorry that you have to deal with that but if you ever need to talk I’m here, or just listen; my Inbox and Asks are open. I don’t think that anything should have a ‘stereotype’ especially not this, anything can happen to anybody, I anyway. These things don’t just pick and choose and honestly, I’m probably stating the obvious. I’m sorry but I just want you to know I believe in you and that you can do it. I do also apologise if this does not come out the way you wanted, this is honestly my first time writing for a situation like this so I did a little research, and I hope it was enough. I hope you like it. Love <3 ~ Sar-chan

Warning: eating disorder

Tsukishima Kei

I think the first time Tsukishima found out you had an eating disorder he was silent for about a couple seconds. It’s not because he’s angry at you, he just needs to process it, and he needs to figure out what to say. He knows sometimes he can be harsh and he knows right now you don’t need that.

He’ll make sure to wrap you in his arms and tell you, “Hey, it's ok. It’s ok. We- we can get through this. I’m gonna be here to help every step of the way. I’m sorry if I ever made any comments that make you feel a type of way. I love you ok and I’m here.”

He’d apologise because he didn’t know if he’d ever said anything to affect you. He’d be more careful with his words from then on because you mean the world to him and he truly wanted to help you get through this.

Tsukishima definitely did some research that night when you went to sleep. He wanted to be sure about what he could do to help and that he wasn’t mixing up his information.

He’d make food for both of you and eat the same things you were eating, to ensure you didn’t feel any type of way about it and you wouldn’t be eating alone. Kei isn’t a five-star chef but he’ll look up recipes and listen to the prep on his headphones while he cooks.

If you wanted to work out, he would totally take you with him to gym or practice, sometimes he’ll take you on his morning run if you’re not too tired.

Tsukishima would pay your fees without you knowing to help out. Like you’d go to pay and they’d tell you they were already covered. He doesn’t want you to argue with him about this especially because he just wants to help. He didn’t know how to bring it up to you so he kind of just opted for doing it this way.

I think when he takes a break at lunch he’ll call to eat with you over a video call. Yamaguchi helped him come up with the idea.

-----------

“Hey shortcake, I’m sorry I’m late for lunch. Practice ran a bit late. How you doin’? Hmmm” he said through the phone as he wiped the sweat off his forehead and removed his glasses. “I got a bit hungry but ummm. I was going to start but I wanted to wait for you. I’m sorry,” you apologised looking down at the food in front of you. “You … know… you could have eaten without me. I wouldn’t mind,” he gulped his water and glanced at the screen to see your saddened expression, “Hey, I’m not mad at you. I like eating with you ok. Though if you are hungry you should eat because you could get stomach pain, ok. But I am proud you got your food and you’re ready to eat.” Both of you proceeded to eat lunch but Kei spent most of his time smiling at you as you ate. Every time you’d look up he’d look down at his food never want to let you see the way he looked at you. When he came home he made sure to talk about his day over dinner and ask you what you’d like for breakfast tomorrow.

Kozume Kenma

Kenma is pretty straightforward sometimes and he doesn’t change that when approaching the situation. He’ll tell you, “Hey kitty come here, I need you to remember that is normal, ok. You are more than your eating disorder and all that matters now is that you’re recovering. I’m gonna help you, I know it’s not the same but maybe you can remind me to eat too hmm? We can eat together.”

When Kenma’s in his game room and you’re with him he’ll make sure to keep some snacks that you like around, he’ll also make sure to keep some healthier things on hand if you’re really worried about it.

He’ll be more observant of your eating habits and try to improve them. He’s always keeping an eye on you to make sure you’re all right, even if it doesn’t seem like it.

When he finds patterns in your habits he’ll find times within the day to ask if you’d like a snack or something to drink.

Every breakfast, lunch, and dinner time he has a reminder on his phone to eat.

When the time comes he’ll make home-cooked meals with you and eat together. This way he knows that he’s encouraging you and that you know he is trying too.

When he’s on stream and lunch or dinner time happens to creep up on him he’ll apologise and tell his viewer he’ll be right back because he knows that it’s important that you stick to a routine so that you don’t disrupt your progress. However, if you happen to be hungry earlier he will not hesitate to leave then either.

Kenma has no problem playing your fees but he knows this is your process so he will ask first before he does anything. If you want to take turns he’ll gladly do it with you.

Sometimes you guys will play rock, paper, scissors, or play Mario Cart to see who gets to choose what’s to eat or who gets to cook. He however doesn’t make it any problem if you prefer something else or want him to cook.

If you’re ok with him telling his viewers and you explain to them the situation he’ll let you. He wants them to be educated but he thinks it’d be nice for you to have the extra support and get some pent-up thoughts or emotions off your chest.

-----

“Guys gimme a second,” Kenma mutes his mic and turns to where you sat on the bed. “What is it KenKen?” you ask, a confused look washing across your features. “I just wanted to know if you’re hungry baby. Any snacks? Water?” he asks. You think about it for a second, “Maybe a little bit, but we can wait till dinner. It’s not far,” you wave your hands in front of you not wanting to disturb his stream. “Thank you for telling me but I’m a little hungry though. Plus if we get started now it’ll be ready for dinner time and maybe after you can game with me on the stream,” he takes off his game and takes your hand, and walks to the kitchen. “Let’s cook together today. I’m proud you did good today, keep taking it a step at a time,” he wraps his arms around your waist and kisses the top of your head.

Akaashi Keiji

Akaashi I very calm about the whole thing, he’ll sit you down and talk about it in detail if you want to share with him. If you can’t he’ll simply hug you, “Hey, I’m really proud you told me and that you’re working through this. I’m going to be here along the way to help but I believe in you darling. You are so strong and I know you can.”

He’s a pretty organised person so maybe he’ll help you make a meal plan for the week, snacks and all.

Keiji will talk about your day every time he comes home and asks if you’ve eaten well. Even though, he’s called you at breakfast and lunch already to check up on you.

I think Akaashi surprises you with a bento and a tumbler cup, that he’s drawn characters from your favourite manga/anime on.

Sometimes when he comes home from work he’ll surprise you with dinner from your favorite place for doing well all week.

He never forces you but he does encourage you because he does want to see you grow and improve, but he will let you take that at your own pace.

He is always researching and checking to learn new things every day. He’ll make sure he knows what you need and always offers words of appreciation and express how proud he is of you.

I think he’ll work out payment plan with you and will subtly bring up splitting the cost with you, if you’re open to it. He just wants to ease your stress and he hopes he can help.

Whenever you need to talk he’ll drop everything and be there for you. Akaashi is always going to be your number one supporter and if you want to keep it under wraps for the time he will support your decision but always make sure to keep you motivated and reassured.

-----

“Good Evening darling, let’s go on the couch,” he’ll sit and pat the seat next to him. When you sit he’ll pull you close and peck your cheek. “So was today good? Did you follow the plan? But most importantly how do you feel?” he’ll ask giving you a warm smile as he strokes your hair. When you tell him about your day, he listens to everything you have to say and if there were any hiccups in the plan he assures you it’s alright. He knows that it isn’t going to be easy, so he encourages you to make tomorrow better and that he’s proud of you for doing your best today. “I heard you paid in advance this month and well I already put mine in for next month so we’re set. So how about we relax, we can watch a show and if you have anything else to tell me you can. But when you’re ready ok darling,” he’d say before grabbing the remote.

Again I'm really sorry if I did this wrongly but remember my inbox is always open if you want to shoot me a message.

[thekitschdiet]

my take on the literary masterpiece, the chic diet

Firstly, I am no one. It’s part of my charm. My fifteen minutes of fame was years ago, when I had an instagram niche meme page. I didn’t even take any brand deals! And my posts averaged six thousand likes! Anyhow. I am hardly literate and well hydrated and carry a small sephora-CVS-hybrid worth in my mini tote bag. Here is my guide on how to live like me, the intermediate kitsch-rat, aspiring influencer. But like, in an apathetic, somewhat dissonant, ironic way. I like saying I live by dogmatic principles. But a lot of it, um, is just eating disorder rituals. But that’s not really important. You’re as hot as you say you are, and as much an authority on what you write so long as you say it with, you know, conviction. It’s kind of venerable how fucking delusional I am, actually. Giving any sort of advice like I’m anywhere close to the ritzy ideal of the amphetamine-areyouami label-american. New York, ideally. West Village, preferably. But I guess the kind of guide I can write is better suited to someone living in a suburb, in a house with the twelve-paned windows. I always thought those were so chic. SO quaint, in a somewhat luxe way. Like, Connecticut vibes. My parents used to drive me up there as a child to buy books and ice cream. Nowadays I’d opt for a matcha latte with novelty ice cubes, but I guess at the time it was pretty sweet. 

Because I popped a Vyvanse at like, 10pm, this next little bit could go one of two ways. I will write the most articulate, brilliant piece of literature of my life. Magnum opus, if there was a skinnier word for it. Or, I will get wrapped up doing something like folding all my last-season knits (which is part of my look, okay! I don’t have a job!) and fixating on a paragraph on how a girl’s collarbones are almost as identifying as a fingerprint, or a signature. I’m not a graphologist, but if you write your A’s with the little tail on top (like on a computer), you’re probably a snake. Nothing personal, just an observation. Also, I do have a biology final to study for. Not that I’m super anal, or even particularly committed to academia, but even in my precariously manicured (read that as separate terms; I did a good job on my nail polish, okay? But I happen to also be teetering on the brink of an epiphany or a collapse. Hence the use of the word precarious.) state, I know it’s important enough I can let one of my countless side-quests sit idle for a couple more days. 

The first section seems only natural to be about hydration. And the whole idea of drinking things, really. There was a section in The Chic Diet about Adderall dry-mouth, which deeply resonated with me. Once I bit off a chunk of a Nivea Strawberry Shine (my favorite lip balm, more on that later) and swished it around my mouth. Didn’t help. Really, really didn’t. Anyway, I suppose that even if it served no purpose for combatting my prevacatingly ingenious cottonmouth solution, I was able to milk a sentence or two out of the experience. “Do it for the Vine”, all grown up! And wearing bananapapaya resin hoops too. Side note, that Etsy shop is a parasocial enemy of mine. It stems from jealousy, which sucks, but hating from inside a club I’m adjacent to is much healthier than being a hateful individual towards people I would, you know, interact with. Daily. Or something. I stopped going to therapy because I felt stupid about going and I don’t live in the right kind of town to warrant vacuous $300 hours. Bitching about my well-adjusted parents and how desperately I wished my anxiety would just “go away” was plainly gross, and a waste. Like, pretty sure almost every problem I have could be solved by a couple painful conversations taking place during a hurricane. Such a shame it doesn’t rain much here. Anyhow, I digress. 

Staying hydrated. It is essential to my character, my persona, if you will; to never be without either an elegant metal bottle (I’m loyal to the smooth enamelled S’well ones, printed to look like marble or a semi holographic solid) or a little 16oz tumbler with a metal straw. Hydroflasks were some of the worst things to happen to society. I want to preface this claim with the fact that I wanted one in the same way a teenage girl wants a new iPhone so she can keep up appearances with her dermatologist-dad friends who still have the XR, by the way. But I ended up spending the money on like, a minidress at Brandy Melville before it fled my city. Or maybe a Fresh Sugar tinted lipbalm. For the better, even though the dress has a busted zipper now and the lipbalm tube has inevitably gotten dinged and dented by the other contents of my mini-totebag. Unlike a car, though, a couple scuffs on your laptop or your luxury lipbalm tube looks kind of cool. Like, you’re not someone who values the pristine, unused quality of an item that was ambiguously intended to be used versus displayed on Instagram.  Now, I’m wondering why this paragraph about hydration is so fucking impossible to stay on track for. I literally drink several litres of water a day, and more tea on top of that. And sometimes an almond milk latte if I can budget it in. Not that I’m so anorexic I can’t afford a 45cal latte. They’re just not that important to me. Anyhow. Drinking lukewarm (on the cool side) water is better than ice-cold. Partially because I just get it out of the tap of my ensuite and I can’t be bothered to wait for it to run cold enough every time, and it just seems wasteful. Plus, there is something so.. skinny about drinking water at an “obscure” temperature. Trust me, I want to know why my thought process is like this too. My favorite tea is blueberry tea foraged in a side aisle at my local supermarket. I love a good commercial, high-end steep or fruit infusion as much as the next girl. Maybe more. My pantry is filled with tins labelled with things like “emerald jade organic” and “magic potion”, which is really just currants and butterfly pea flowers. But there is a necessary glamor about drinking dirt-cheap tea on the daily. Seriously, a box of 25 sachets is like, $3. At a higher point with my, um, Adderall problem, I spent like several times that on pills. I didn’t really need to include that, and could have linked the price point to the cost of a drugstore lipbalm, but I wrote it in. And I’m married to it, stubbornly, as all amateur writers should be when they wittle in a somewhat indecorous little joke. This tea is sooo good because it has a strong fruit-reminiscent taste (not as sweet as a fresh blueberry, but who wants that anyway?), it’s zero-calorie, it’s the most GORGEOUS color ever. The latte, the third drink in my little trifecta, is nothing special. But necessary. The trick is to use a milk frother to whip up sugar free syrup with instant coffee and a little bit of hot water in a glass. It’ll make the most luscious foam.. Top it off with almond milk. My dad is a coffee purist, owning both an upstairs keurig AND a downstairs one (among other more analogue methods, but I can’t name-drop, so what’s the point?), so he hates this drink. Now, calling oneself a plebian is so unglamorous and teetering on self-deprecating territory, dangerously close to insecurity. But I can use it here because I am at least posh enough to have a different pair of earrings for every outfit I could possibly come up with, and I only wear Patagonia if I am in a situation where I just have to wear fleece. Like I was saying. It’s such a simple drink, certainly not a delicacy, and… I had a joke about the word plebian but I keep getting up to refill my water and I fear I have forgotten about it. 

Next section; the importance of a good tinted balm

In the intro I alluded to how a girl’s collarbones function essentially as an identifier, the way a signature or fingerprint does. This is a lie, or at least an exaggeration. But one’s ultimate tinted lipbalm is  actually extremely indicative about who you are, as a person, as a member of society, even… 

If you are loyal to Dior Lipglow, I have a couple questions. One; did you shoplift one tube, once, and refill it with cheaper stuff afterwards? I did that. I consider it one of my better-kept secrets, but now you know. Might as well explain the catalyst for my parent’s first separation now, and the horrifying experience that was meeting my dad’s Manhattan sugar baby (?) at the age of thirteen, wearing an overalls dress from, like, Topshop or something else equally embarrassing. .. Kidding. I digress. It’s such a fancy lipbalm, and good too! It smells like thin mints! But I could just never justify cell phone monthly installation payment money on something I will inevitably talk off. I do own three, but two I stole (before I lost the nerve, somewhat unfortunately) and one, a boy(not)friend bought for me. This is not something I feel any remorse about, because his house was easily four thousand square feet and his sisters had a dedicated all-glass room for their shared peloton. Oil money. Ugh!

My personal favorite lip balm, and I have tried a frightening amount, has got to be the Nivea Fruit Shine collection. The frosted one is shit-ugly. Hideous. But the strawberry one is the love of my life. It’s such a pleasant red, looking healthy and rejuvenated and really completes any look. Only downside is it will always, hopefully not always, remind me of Charles. Kissing Charles, specifically. And him asking me what lipbalm it was, because he knew I was somewhat frivolous and definitive and would have a very long answer. But for whatever reason, I simply stated it was from “out of town”. Not really sure why I said that, but it plagues me (minorly) to this day. Of all the things to make up.. .. The peach one is a perfectly demure spring classic shade. Cherry exists too, but the only tube I have ever had the fortune of owning was purchased in Costa Rica and lost somewhere on the way home. Honestly tragic, it was the juiciest shade. Blackberry is perfect too, but I have to layer it with either peach or untinted lipbalm to avoid what I imagine TooPoor would choose if she believed in tinted lipbalm. I don’t mean this hatefully, I think she’s a queen, but super dark, smudgy makeup suits the eyes better in my opinion. Or something. Or something.

Afraid to bore the reader, I have to move on now. Maybe at a later date I will release an addendum on my ultimate lipbalm buying guide. But also, that is so deeply personal (and everyone needs the excuse of “hunting for the perfect staple shade!!”), so it is really not my place to have any authority on something so intimate and subjective. Etcetera. 

Moving on; Decorating your room

Here is a section I lifted out of my memoir document. It fits, because as enigmatic as I hope I am, I am also quite unchanging.

 I just pushed three hangers and two tiny strappy tops with the tags still on, off my bed. Most nights, all, these days, actually; I spend in my large but cluttered bedroom. I have a little ensuite with a jetted tub I’ve never used because I just never get around to it. There’s a plush grey rug, spanning the expanse of the room (covering an ugly cherry wood that doesn’t match the rest of the house; no clue why. I never asked, and the previous owners were eager to sell so they could finally ditch this town and retire in Montreal for the bagels, or Hawaii for the monk seals. Point is, I’ll never know) with loose beads and loose pills and little shards of glass from plier-crushed beads. I vacuum every day. The whole room tells you exactly the kind of person I am; the clutter I possess, the encapsulation of the projects I start, start, start and the hours I don’t sleep for and the clothes I tried on (these to sell, these to cut up with kitchen scissors; thrifted lululemon and aritzia and heaps of knits and plaid fabric..) I would not say the room is a mess. Lived in, maybe. Chopsticks and mugs and gum wrappers. Single dangle earrings. I just finished the last of my Creme Brulee eos lipbalm; disguised as a relic of 2015, I was gifted it Christmas of ‘20. I think my next waxy conquest will be a tinted Burt’s one I palmed a while back, before I lost the nerve. Peering around the room you will see shopping bags strewn about the mouth of my walk-in closet. Every surface has something shiny or colorful stacked up on it. Cluttered, busy, but intentional. Except for the walls, which are bare. Bare and gray and miles-tall when I lie flat on my back, high out of my mind, willing things to change but knowing I’m responsible for a first step I will always be too scared for. Bare, pristine, no gumtack. Empty, Like they’re waiting. I wait around a lot. It makes sense. That was an awful lot of words about my stupid blank walls when truly it does not bother me that much; I really just don’t get around to it. I have other things on the ground to tend to, like post-email nausea, addressing envelopes, marrying wire and bead.  Writing a document I care about because I am determined and I am alive, alive, alive, goddammit. 

Excerpt over. The memoir is coming out when I get famous, or something earth shattering happens. Like I become the world’s least remarkable entrepreneur, and I get retweeted by Colorpop. I don’t want to be the next Elizabeth Wurtzel. I read two of her memoirs one restless night, absorbing it to make up for the nutrients I didn’t that day (you can laugh. I think that is pretty clever), heart breaking a little bit. She writes about her struggles so intrinsically, you either get it, or you don’t. Anyway. She had the books and the fame from it, and she wrote more memoirs than I think a single person should. That is admirable. Aspirational, even. But I do not want to be like her. Where was I? Oh. Yes. Decorating/adorning/filling your room. Your room should serve as the kind of place to watch a movie (if you believe in film. I don’t) and put on ridiculous glittery eye makeup, or smoke an ~artistic cigarette~ or stay up all night on the phone, which is different from staying up all night simply on your phone. Chatting with someone you are tepidly in love with is much more exciting. Not chic as the whole affair is so juvenile, but fun regardless. It’s somewhere to keep your worldly possessions, too. I know I have a lot! Also, it is kind of thrilling to hide things in your room in little crevices only you know about. Now, unfortunately, everyone reading this will know too. But, like, I trust you not to really.. do anything about it. I keep my extra juul pods in the sliding box my apple pencil came in. That box is almost more useful than the pencil itself. I’m somewhat morally opposed to the iPad. Whole culture is so embarrassing! I have a tea tin with an ounce of golden teacher shrums in it. This is tossed in my closet among tins filled with other things, like lace trim and buttons. Which makes it actually a pretty terrible hiding spot, I see now… Anyhow. Keeping benign little secrets like that is so fun. You can tell I don’t have siblings. I sort of wish I did, but it is easier to believe there is something aristocratic about being an only child. Not sure if older-sister me would be egalitarian enough to share things. But that’s prophesying, which is kind of a waste of time. I live in the now, in a room positively cluttered with meaningless things that mean the world to me, chewing on my lip because my mouth is just so dry and 5gum is just not an after-8 indulgence. To live truly kitschly, you have to have somewhat hideous decor. Now, do not confuse dissonant, or incoherent, with what I mean by “hideous decor”. The kitsch room has as many surfaces to look at as possible, while also shying away from too many shelving units. Then you risk your room looking like a storage unit or something. When my mom renovated (re: paid someone to do it) our New York house so we could sell it, all our stuff was stacked up in a Cubesmart self storage. It was sort of horrifying, seeing my childhood home reduced to plastic storage tubs piled what felt like thirty feet high. Anyway. It’s just not an  inviting way to store things; I imagine it makes your room look like your stuff is all trapped in gelatin. The more fussy, tiny things you have out in the open, the better. Nail polish. Earring trees. Bowls full of rings and lighters and water color pans perched on your windowsill. A rack with the tackiest assortment of knits and bucket hats and baguette bags. And so forth.. Quickly surveying someone’s room is so telling. Bonus points if all your books are spine-in, except for your favorite ones, because you don’t want people to get the wrong idea. (that you read). 

[gtunesmiff]

From Resolutions to Realities: Three Principles of Manifestation

By Marc Gilson

Did you know that people have been making New Year’s resolutions for at least 4,000 years?

At the beginning of each new year, the ancient Babylonians made promises to their gods to pay off debts and return borrowed items. (Which reminds me...I need to return my friend’s pressure washer!)

Whether or not you make resolutions each year, and whether or not you have specific and measurable goals, the laws of manifestation are at work around you, all the time. In fact…

...they are working for you–or against you–right now.

For the Babylonians, resolutions were a way to wipe the slate clean, refresh the page, and start the new year in good standing with the gods and, perhaps just as important, with the neighbors.

Today we make resolutions centered on improving our lot in life. We vow to lose weight, eat better, get more exercise, write that novel, spend less time on social media, and leave those pesky bad habits behind.

The problem with resolutions, of course, is that we usually fail to follow-through. According to some researchers, only 8% of us actually stick to our New Year’s resolutions. So if you happen to be a New Year’s Resolution, I’m afraid you don’t have much of a chance of being around for very long.

While well-intentioned, the tender blooms of our resolutions are easily overcome by the weeds of our own complacency and a lack of willpower. We know what we want to change, but it’s an uphill battle against our own bad habits or laziness.

How do we make good on our New Year's resolutions?

How do we follow-through and muster the willpower necessary to change our lives for the better?

The truth is that the success of our resolutions really depends on understanding that the very act of making a promise to ourselves is not only an act of intention, but a transaction with the laws of manifestation. In this context, manifestation means creating something that wasn’t there before. But…

...manifestation is not a magic trick. We manifest things all the time.

As a matter of fact, you’re really quite good at manifesting, whether you realize it or not. Look around and you’ll see evidence of your ability to manifest everywhere. Your job, your relationships, your financial situation, your health, and even the things you do and own—these are all the result of your own manifestation ability, at least in part.

Not that every single thing that has happened in your life is because you did something to cause it, although some would insist upon that. Putting talk of fate and destiny aside, there are things that happen that are simply outside of our control. We don’t live in a vacuum, after all. There are countless outside factors and influences that can nudge us (or sometimes shove us!) in this direction or that one.

But if you’ve made some resolutions for this year, and you’re serious about manifesting them, these three principles of manifestation will help you succeed.

1. Shelve the Shoulds

When I begin coaching with someone who is making New Years’ resolutions, the first thing we do together is sort out the “shoulds” from the “wants.” There’s a difference. A “should” is, no surprise, something you think you should do. It’s something on your “to do” list that really “should be done.” You really should quit smoking, lose some weight, or get more sleep.

But unless you also want to do those things, you will probably have a hard go of it.

Why is that? Shoulds tend to be based on aversive thinking, which means they’re focused on what you’re trying to avoid. Why do you want to quit smoking? Well, smoking is bad for you and can lead to all kinds of health problems. So if you smoke, you already know you should quit. But that alone is usually not enough to compel smokers to quit.

The same goes for things like drinking, watching too much TV, overeating, or any other activity that keeps us from being happier and healthier.

You can’t “should” your way to change.

When we try to derive our motivation to change based on the “shoulds” we’re not focused on the benefits of living in a way other than the way we live now. Instead, we’re focused on a bunch of dark and unpleasant things we are trying to avoid. And when you stop and think about it, most of those bad habits we want to quit are done in order to keep us distracted from dark and unpleasant things.

Perhaps you can see the irony here.

Shelve the shoulds. Shoulds won’t help you no matter how valid they are. Instead, begin your resolutions with wants. If you really want to see some change, ask yourself this question: “What is my heart’s desire?” Nevermind what you should or should not be doing. What’s really in your heart when it comes to change? Would you like to be someone with a healthy body and mind? What if that was possible for you?

Take a moment to vividly imagine that kind of life. What if there were things you could do–simple actions, repeated over time–that could give you that kind of life?

Let the power of that vision fuel your focus and actions.

Can you shelve your shoulds? Can you imagine a life that lives up to your hopes and dreams? It’s possible. It just takes the right kind of focus and a little effort. Which leads us to the second principle.

2. The Universe Rewards Action

Small deeds done are greater than great deeds planned. ~Peter Marshall

There’s no getting around it: nothing will change the way you want it to without you doing something about it. And this is where things get a little difficult, right? Good intentions are a dime a dozen. An idea without a plan of action is just a fantasy.

To manifest–to bring something tangible into existence–we need to act.

We are living in a world of cause and effect. What many don’t realize is that the key to manifesting is to live at the “cause” end of the cause-and-effect spectrum. That’s not easy. Effects, as we know, flow from causes. So living at the “cause end” means living where the power is.

According to Henry David Thoreau, “the mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.” That quote is a powerful reminder that we can’t let complacency dictate the value of our lives.

Thoreau was warning us to stop living at the “effect” end of the spectrum—the end where we get stuck on what has happened to us, who has mistreated us, and all our reasons why we can’t succeed or thrive. Shifting from the effect to the cause end means taking some responsibility for our lives and taking actions that will move us in the chosen direction. And it’s worth reminding ourselves that the treasure chest of…

...real self-empowerment is unlocked only with the key of personal responsibility.

This is a subtle but important point. It’s very tempting to live as a victim of circumstance. In fact, our society entices us to do just that by rewarding the dramatic victimhood that dominates our attention like a drug. This need not be our lot in life. When we show a willingness to take responsibility and recognize our role as the primary cause of the experiences we have in life, whether or not we directly caused it…

...we find ourselves free to act in the most powerful of ways.

The wonderful and mysterious thing about this idea is that when we do act–when we begin living at the cause end of the spectrum–the universe responds to help us. Whether this is a cosmic or spiritual phenomenon or simply the result of our own mental focus can be debated.

Either way, if we want to change, we have to be willing to act and to apply the efforts of our dreams, wishes, and intentions in a way that is in alignment with our wants (not our shoulds), even if on a small scale.

Small steps are still steps.

Small steps, when added up over time, are what often create the greatest change.

3. The Universe Also Rewards Patience

While we know we must take action in order to see positive change in our lives, we must also balance that action with a healthy dose of patience. It’s easy to be impatient when it comes to change. We want it now! But high-value, core-level changes take time.

In Taoism, there is the idea of Wu Wei (which I’ve written about before). Wu Wei isn’t easy to translate but it’s basically the idea of “non action” or “effortlessness.” In other words, patience.

Wu Wei doesn’t mean being lazy or slothful…

...(no offense to sloths!). It simply means being calm and still enough to detect the natural flow of the energies around us. These energies can work to our advantage...if we get out of their way a little bit.

The best way I know of to cultivate patience and awareness of the flow around us is meditation.

Taoism holds that the universe unfolds just as it should and will, and that we complicate matters for ourselves when we try to force it to do otherwise. The rains will fall, the winds will blow, and the river will flow. Whether or not we’re prepared is irrelevant.

So we might as well get on board and join the flow.

Wu Wei reminds us that sometimes the best way to get things done is to be patient and tune our senses to the currents of momentum already flowing through and around us.

I can’t think of a better way to emphasize this point than with a quote from one of my personal spiritual mentors—a man who passed away only a few weeks ago, but who left behind a powerful legacy of wisdom, love, and humor.

Let the natural flow of the universe course through your being, and harmonize your soul.~Ram Dass

What’s on your agenda to accomplish in 2021? Now you know the formula to success:

Focus + Action + Patience = Results.

[yuvon-writes-letters]

Hey Yuvon, Jake.

I am sorry if this letter becomes shorter than the last one, I am on my way to work for..yeah probably the last time for now. At least till it is safe to go.

I am a bit nervous, but I can go through it. Everything is done, my clothes, tickets, motel (for the moment, I have the feeling that staying in one place wouldn't be good. Dangerous.). Only the afternoon has to come...And that means I have to somehow get home without anxiety when I see a guy in mask near the street I live in. But that's fine. I have Jake and Max this time. It won't repeat itself.

As for the deciphering, I would say I'd love to try and help...But if you can't do it then I don't exactly know if I could either.

Yes, I imagine Yuvons behaviour could be because of Jessicas last letter. I really can empathise her actions if it is because of that. I'd love to do that, too, but then everyone who gets a look at my flat thinks I'd be kidnapped. Yah, no thanks.

You're right, I didn't think of that yet.

[A mini paper is taped above that, as if the sentence was just added later] (It seems Jake already did! But didn't get the chance to test it yet.)

No problem about the word association :) Even though I needed to stop, I got a bit dizzy again. Maybe I really need to live a bit healthier in the moment. Cannot say I ate and slept enough in the TSB timeline.

Yeah, I know you understand Yu. If it gets to bad, tell me, yeah? Then we can write a bit 'alone'. Like...Detective Inc. talk, okay? [A small girl giving a hug to another girl is scribbled, but far less detailed and sketchier than normal]

You never mentioned those two words? Are you completely sure, Yuvon?

(Jakes, if anyone except for my counterparts would kindly stop reading here as long as I write in purple)

Yuvon, are you really okay? What do you mean with 'You have no plan'. I am worried about you.

Dang, I don't have much more time. But Jake wanted to adress you again real quick :)

Lis🐾🔥

[Again the screenshot of Jakes message is glued to the back of the letter]

The 'part of who you are since birth' is something I completely understand. Social anxiety made my life much more difficult, but without it I wouldn't be where and who I am today. It is always interesting to figure out things in which we are similar to each other.

I am not overly concerned either, thanks to you I got some advantages. Also that we, thanks to 'Goldie' and the TSB timeline, know that the Man without a Face is possibly a hacker, too.

I am honestly not completely sure what to think of the word association. You also noticed how Liskas writing changed, right? And that she suddenly stopped.

How did you get the idea to give her this word association? And what did you intend on figuring out?

As for your last part...I don't think we should be that surprised about defying the laws of physics anymore. It becomes far too normal.

~ Jake

(There are eraser marks in the margins again.)

Lis,

You'll make it, I know you will. Just one day, and you can get out of there. Stay safe, stay alert, and stick to crowds where possible, and you'll be just fine.

Yeah, I took a glance at the cipher over Jake's shoulder and I've got nothing. It's just scribbles to me. I might get something on a closer look, but I sort of doubt it.

That letter thing would be cool to test sometime, but like Jake said earlier. Priorities.

Make sure you're drinking enough, okay? Especially if you end up going someplace sunny. But I'm sure the dizziness isn't going to be anything too important for the moment. We can address it later, when you're safer.

Thank you, Lis. I might take you up on that offer to talk later. But I can't now. And I never said those two words. Nor do I have a plan. Gur ragvgvrf znl or noyr gb ernq zvaqf, naq gurl qrsvavgryl pna ernq gurfr yrggref.

—Yu

(The handwriting changes to Jake's.) Hello, Lis.

As Yuvon said, exercise caution when returning to your workplace, but if all goes as expected and as planned you should have no issues. Once you are done, if you bring your phone on your vacation, do not answer calls from numbers you do not know, and especially do not answer the kidnapper's calls and messages.

Thank you for the offer of help :) However, I will manage alone eventually. It will simply take time. A lot of time.

At least I know the cause of her behavior now. I am somewhat at a loss for what to do about it, though. I will do my best to lighten her mood, but given that I am a living reminder of the issue, that may prove difficult.

I second Yuvon's suggestion of hydration. Dehydration has been proven to have several negative effects on the body.

That is all for now, Lis. I will speak to you later.

Jake,

As Yuvon was the one to come up with the idea, I will let her explain her thought process behind the word association.

(The handwriting changes to Yuvon's.) Lis said something a bit weird in the last letter. She was talking about how Goldie had likely helped things settle in the TSB timeline and mused that Goldie probably did all they could. Then Lis' writing grew neater (hope Jake showed you the word association thing so you know what I'm talking about) and she wrote "Like they always did..." before mentioning being dizzy, and seemingly forgetting she wrote that entirely.

I've known for a while that Lis had some memories relating to Goldie she couldn't access for one reason or another, but I hadn't seen the block waver until then. I theorized that I might be able to bypass the block at least partially if I approached it indirectly, and it seems I was right to an extent. It's only too bad I can't do anything with scents, scents are heavily tied to memories.

I didn't have anything particular in mind to uncover at the time, but I figured that if Lis let slip characteristics of Goldie or snatches of memories, those could be useful later. I hadn't expected to nearly get a name, though— see how the first letter is capitalized? Definitely a name. I think I have an idea what the name is, but I don't want to say or write it until we want Goldie's attention. It's probably Latin, though, and you might want to check the root of the alchemical symbol for gold on the periodic table.

I think the words we can safely associate with Goldie, however, are: best friend, past, safety, familiarity. Silver is another possibility, but that may just be an association with gold.

...I wonder when Goldie's going to send me the pissed-off letter yelling at me for meddling in the secrecy of their identity XD

Because I have such a good track record for respecting privacy and secret identities.

(The writing changes to Jake's.) I am back.

The similarities and differences are quite fascinating, yes. If only we could conduct some sort of study where we could learn how Jakes differ and how they remain the same from universe to universe. But that would require that they trust we are who we say we are, and that their Detectives actually open the letters we've been sending. So it seems unlikely that will ever happen.

Yes. The news about the kidnapper being a hacker is still troubling to me, even all this time later. He must be quite skilled, for the likes of us to only realize from his own mockery that he is one. We will need to remain on guard. I will also need to begin monitoring the situation in Duskwood again. If the kidnapper has been freed from the stasis, I will need to work rather hard to keep that group safe, especially now that I do not have all my equipment. And very limited Internet access.

I really should not be shocked at this point, especially given the experiences Yuvon has recounted to me and the fact that I have not needed to eat nor drink since coming to this place. I suppose that was simply the first time I directly saw the lack of logic, other than in Yuvon sending the letters.

I have little more to say. Goodbye for now,

Jake

(The letter tucks itself in the paper clip with the others.)

[personasintro]

Stay High | myg

⏤synopsis; You’ve to stay high to keep your ex out off your mind when he comes back into your life.

⏤warnings: drug using, mentions of drugs, strong language, oral sex [female & male receiving], unprotected sex, accidental creampie, degradation kink, choking, penetrative sex, spanking, cum eating, rough sex, switch!yoongi, denied orgasm, multiple orgasms

⏤genre: fluff, angst, smut

words count: 16.5k

A story inspired by song ‘Habits’ by Tove Lo

The loud music blasts in your ears, your ass hurting from the bar stool you’ve been sitting on for twenty minutes already. There are too many people in the house but of course, that’s how Seokjin’s parties are. You’re still wondering how he lets bunch of strangers come in his house, actually — his parents’ house. They’re rummaging through the whole house, some of them making their way upstairs — probably to have sex in one of the bedrooms. 

Cloud of smoke comes your way and it doesn’t take too long for you to smell it. It’s not a simple cigarette attacking your nose. It’s weed. 

“You want some?” Hoseok asks you as he holds it for you. You eye his hands for a few seconds before shaking your hand. “You’re no fun.” he pouts before cheeky grin appears on his lips. You don’t need any sharp lighting to see his reddened eyes revealing he’s definitely high.

“I’ll pass, thanks.” you mumble as he drags from his marijuana cigarette, pleasing smile playing on his lips. 

“Where is the old Y/N? You know, the one who wouldn’t miss an opportunity to smoke some weed?” he asks with his cheeky grin causing you to annoyingly roll your eyes. He knows the reason why you stopped, at least you think so.

“She’s gone. I don’t need to smoke weed to have fun. You should try it.” you raise your brow as he shoots you a glare before playfully smirking at you. 

“Well, if you change your mind I’ll be somewhere here.” he motions around himself before walking away from you. What a great friend. You think as you watch him disappear in the crowd. You eye the drink in your hand — Aperol Spritz before gulping the rest of it. You stopped smoking weed for one reason. For him. For Min Yoongi.

His hands rummages on your ass squeezing it tightly as you’re leaving opened kisses on his neck. He pulls away slightly, just to take a puff from his joint. He lazily smirks at you, his eyes slightly hooded and red. He’s high. You bite your lower lip, leaning your face to his as he puffs the smoke into your mouth. 

“Do you want some?” he rasps out handing his joint to you. You nod, leaning your head towards his hand taking a puff of it without touching it with your hands. He smirks down at you before kissing you roughly.

“Come on, guys. Get a room.” Jin exclaims as he sees you kissing each other for the past two hours. But he knows it’s just the matter of time when you both cheekily disappear into one of the rooms. You don’t pull away but you feel Yoongi stretching his hand, probably flipping him off with his middle finger.

“I love you.” Yoongi murmurs against your lips causing a big smile appear on your lips. Your eyes are already hooded wanting nothing more than to sleep, your head spinning a little bit causing you to lazily look up at your boyfriend. 

“Aren’t you saying it just because you’re high?” you ask him with a grin, even though your heart is beating fast against your chest.

“No.” he answers seriously, his dark eyes looking at you with honesty. 

“I love you too.” you tell him quietly causing him to smirk before kissing you once more. He’s your drug. You don’t even need weed to feel high — because he makes you feel high. But you still reach for the joint in his hand taking a long puff from it. Because his smirk on his pouty lips is praising you and that’s all you need.

You gulp at the memory, the familiar red couch only a few meters away from you. The couch you once were making out in front of everyone. You were one of those couples who were all over each other, not caring about anyone else in the room. Now you feel annoyed by those couples. You feel disgusted. Probably more with yourself than with them. The smell mixed with alcohol, cigarettes and weed causes you to scrunch your nose in disgust. It makes you disgusted but it’s all very familiar to you.

“Hey, how is it going?” you almost jump at the deep and loud voice causing you to scowl at Taehyung. He stands right next to you searching your face. 

“Good?” you ask with a chuckle shaking your head at your friend. 

“Really?” he asks with serious tone and your grin falls down. 

Taehyung and serious — those two words don’t get along. 

You cock your head to the side looking at him questionably. His eyes flicker to your face, waiting and searching for something. His breathing is heavy like he was hurrying to get to you and his whole posture seems stiffened. Almost like he’s scared and nervous. Something between. 

“Is everything okay?” you ask slowly, starting to feel a pinch of worry.

He bites his lip, looking into the crowd behind him before looking back at you. “No, I need to tell you something.” he speaks hesitating a little bit before you straighten your posture.

“I’m all ears.” you tell him waiting for the bomb he’s about to throw at you.

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.” he speaks before looking behind him, almost like searching for something. Or someone. 

You furrow your brows, the patience slowly running away as annoyance fills your face. “What? Why? Just tell me.” you urge him.

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid,” he says once again, but this time with low and completely serious voice. You gulp at the sight of him being so serious, something Taehyung almost never is. “Please.” he adds hurrying you.

“Yeah, okay. I promise.” you roll your eyes as he stares at you for a moment. He’s hesitating. You’re about to snap at him to open his fucking mouth and finally tell you what’s been causing him to act like this, but he beats you to it.

“Yoongi’s here.”

And that’s when you stop breathing without realizing it. Your heart beats fast against your chest causing you to open your mouth but you close it right away. Taehyung looks at you with a worry in his eyes, already regretting telling you. But you had to know. It’d be even worse if you’d see him without knowing he’s under the same roof as you. 

“W—what?” you stutter, already hating how weak you sound.

“I just saw him coming here. I didn’t know he was invited.” he admits, worry still clear on his face. “What is he doing here?” you ask quietly thinking Taehyung won’t hear you through the loud music and chatter between the people, but he does.

You know he does when he shrugs his shoulder, caring hand on your shoulder as he makes you to look at him. 

“Do you wanna leave?” he asks. Do you want to leave? Yes. Anything just not to see his face to remind you of that awful heartbreak he caused. Anything not to feel the wounds you worked so hard to heal. 

“Yeah.” you nod, sounding weak and you hate there’s someone who’s witnessing it. Even though Taehyung is pretty much close to you.

“Let’s go.” he says waiting for you to stand up which you gladly do. 

You pull the hem of your dress down, hating the way how weak and vulnerable you suddenly feel. Even the two fucking drinks you just had doesn’t help you. You’re too sober for this. And you hate the idea of you getting wasted. You promised you’d stop with that kind of lifestyle. But you want nothing more than to find some relief, even though it’s not the smartest and healthiest idea. Taehyung takes your hand leading you through the crowd. You’re watching his black boots, not wanting to look up just in case you’ll see him. You’re too scared. Too scared that the whole ‘I’m over him’ will be gone. And maybe it is. The way you’re reacting makes you sick. You thought you’re okay. Apparently not.

“Taehyung?”

The voice. It sounds too familiar but you haven’t heard it for a year. It’s too long since you’ve heard it. Your head snaps up before you’re realizing what you’re doing. Taehyung stops in his tracks completely frozen, squeezing your hand tightly and you squeeze it back. And that’s when you see him. His sharp eyes looking at Taehyung with smile on his small lips. His face looks puffier, much healthier than the last time you saw him. He gained some weight, glowing even in this shitty lighting. But that’s not everything that’s different on him. You notice it right away. His dark hair is long gone and instead of his typical black hair, the grey color is decorating his hair. “Hey, man.” Taehyung speaks with awkward chuckle. And that’s when Yoongi’s eyes adverts to you. To the person who is almost hiding against Taehyung’s long and big figure, but his sharp eyes finds you anyway. “Y/N?” He asks, realization hitting him as he smiles at you. Did he just smile at you? Did he have such an audacity to smile at you? “Hey.” You smile, which doesn’t reach your eyes. You uncomfortable shift behind Taehyung wanting nothing more than to disappear but the damage has been already done.

“Yoongi?” It’s not your voice who is being heard by the three of you. That’s when you see petite female standing behind Yoongi, looking at him with a sparkle in her eyes. The same way you used to look at him. And that’s when you notice it. His fingers intertwined with hers as he looks down at her with soft smile. You feel a huge pang in your chest as you try to swallow whatever that has been creating in your throat. “Here are my friends!” Hoseok comes to the rescue with his awfully loud voice as he’s already hugging Yoongi. He pulls away with a huge grin on his face, check Yoongi in and out. His eyes soon adverts to you and Taehyung causing him to clap happily. He’s so high. “Our old friends reunion! So fucking cool!” He shouts chasing you to awkwardly cough squeezing Taehyung’s hand. He looks over his shoulder at you giving you an apologetic look.

“Seokjin and the rest of the guys are right over there, let’s go!” He says already pushing Yoongi and the girl towards one direction. “We actually—“

“You’re not leaving, are you?” Hoseok turns around abruptly causing Yoongi to turn around and look at you. You ignore his eyes, eyes focused on Hoseok. Taehyung opens his mouth but you beat him to it before he can say one single word. “Of course not.” You chuckle, sounding too fake but hopefully the rap music somehow blurs it out. “Y/N—“ Taehyung speaks caughing your wrist before you can follow Hoseok. “It’s fine, Tae.” You cut him off already knowing what he’s about to say. He’d try to persuade you to go come. He sees the way you’re reacting. He knows this will lead to nothing good.

“I don’t thin—“ “I’m fine.” You speak sternly before giving him reassuring smile. He doesn’t seem convicted but he nods knowing there’s nothing he can do. You’re fucking stubborn. You both come to the living room, more specific one of your most famous meet up place. A large red couch with matching chairs at Jin’s parents’ house.

“I’m going to get us some drinks! Wait up for me!” Hoseok says excitedly even before all of you can sit down. Taehyung sits down leaving some space for you to sit — but you don’t. You stand there biting your lip as he tugs the hem of your dress to catch your attention.

“Aren’t you going to sit down?” He asks quietly looking at you with his doe eyes. “I’ll be right back.” You tell him with reassuring smile leaving without waiting for any kind of response. But you probably know what expression he has right now — a worried one. You follow Hoseok to the kitchen as he’s opening a bottle of vodka.

“Hoseok?” You call up to him causing him to turn around. He gives you a questioning look before you shift on your feet. “Do you still have some?” You ask causing him to grin at you.

“I thought you’d never ask.” He speaks with grin on his heart shaped lips already pulling it from his pocket.

And that’s the first mistake you make after a few months of being clean.

“So how have you been, Yoongs? We haven’t seen you for months!” Jin asks excitedly already gulping his shot of vodka. You’re ignoring Taehyung’s stares as you walk to the living room with Hoseok. He’s suspicious about something but you only smile at him. Joint safely hidden in your small bag.”I’ve been... great.” He answers with smile. You know he does when you hear him. You don’t even have to look at him. You’re avoiding his face just like you do with Taehyung’s stares simply acting like nothing happened.

“We can see that. You’ve brought a girl with you,” Hoseok speaks with smirk causing your eyes to unwillingly look at Yoongi. He smiles at the girl who’s sitting next to him, clinging to his side almost like in fear from all of you. You want to scoff but you stop yourself. “I’m Hoseok, nice to meet you.” He tells already stretching his hand to her. She accepts it with polite smile.

“I’m Yuna.” She speaks for the first time, with a soft and polite voice. The way she sits, looking around like she hasn’t been on parties makes you want to scoff. What is she even doing here? She doesn’t fit here.

“So, are you guys like a thing?” This time, Jimin asks wiggling his eyebrows at Yoongi. He chuckles before kissing Yuna into her dark hair. You look away, reaching for your drink on the coffee table. “Yeah, we’ve been dating for almost a year.” He answers almost proudly. A year? He left a year ago which means he found her pretty quickly.

“Cool,” Hoseok beams already reaching for something in his pocket — and you know exactly what that is. “Who wants some?” He asks pulling out the weed. He hands it to Yoongi but he only shakes his head.

“Sorry, I stopped.” He answers politely declining leaving all of you dumbfounded. Where the fuck is Min Yoongi? Because this is certainly not him. “Your loss,” Hoseok mutters before looking at the rest of you. “Who wants some?” He asks once again with his famous smirk.

“Me.” You call out to Hoseok causing him to grin happily, but leaving everyone staring at you. “Y/N...” Taehyung trails off as he’s trying to stop you from reaching to Hoseok but you only shoot him a glare.

“I’m fine.” You mutter before taking already lightened joint from Hoseok. You take a puff, your head slightly spinning from the long puff you took but you suppress it. Jimin and Jin are already taking joints from Hoseok leaving only Taehyung, Yoongi and Yuna without it. You don’t listen to their conversation, trying to fade their voices with the little helper in your hand. Taehyung gives you a worried look every now and then, probably not listening to their conversation either. Hoseok is going to the kitchen refill his drink and that’s when you decide to follow him. He doesn’t notice you slowly trailing behind him.

“Who invited him?” You ask almost too bitterly, the venom in your voice can be heard. Although, Hoseok doesn’t seem too surprised by your sudden outburst. He turns around biting the inside of his cheek. He knows who you’re talking about. “I did.” He answers casually and you open your mouth — feeling some kind of weird betrayal. Of course, Hoseok and Yoongi have been always best friends. But ever since Yoongi left, no one heard about him. Including Hoseok, maybe he lied all this time when he said he has no idea where he went. But if he was saying the truth, why the hell would he invite him all of a sudden?

“W—why?” You ask weakly and most importantly absolutely confused by his honest answer. “He’s my best friend, Y/N. I thought you both are over it.” He speaks casually like you’re talking about the weather or some kind of stupid shit. ‘Over it’? Did he just described your two years old relationship just like that? Hoseok is an idiot, you’ve been knowing that ever since you met him, but you feel hurt by him.

“We are.” You tell him confidently, however you don’t believe your own words that much. You thought you’re over him, that’s why you’ve changed. But seeing him for the first time after a year already made you to do bad decisions. For example — smoking weed as soon as you saw him. “Then why is it such a big deal I invited him?” You don’t know if he’s that high or such an asshole to not notice the hurt in your eyes. He stares at you deadly causing you to gulp under his intense stare.

“It’s not a big deal.” You shrug making him grin. “Fine, let’s have fun then.” He says excitedly, this time bringing the whole vodka bottle with him. You sigh slowly following him to the living room. Taehyung’s eyes finds you as soon as you’re a few meters away from him. You sit down with biting the inside of your cheek causing him to put his hand on your shoulder in caring manner.

“Do you want to leave?” He asks you quietly so you’re the only one who hears him. You glance toward the group of your so called ‘friends’. Yuna is the biggest spotlight at the moment talking about her job, which you’re not sure what it is because you don’t care. Everyone listens to her like she’s some god and it annoys you. But it annoys you even more when Yoongi is proudly smiling down at her. You’re still overwhelmed from the way he looks. He looks healthy. He looks happy. “No, I’m fine.” You smile at him but it doesn’t convince him because he doesn’t believe you. He sees the way your eyes are sad despite your lips being stretched into an uptight smile. He only sighs, stretching for his untouched shot Hoseok poured him like an hour ago. He stares at it for a moment before gulping it all down. You listen to one of Hoseok’s horrendous stories while he was absolutely high, but then again — when isn’t he? You’re too caught up in his shitty story to notice Yoongi and Yuna talking. Even if you did, you still couldn’t hear them because they’re on the opposite side of you.

“I can’t believe those are your friends.” She admits quietly playing with his long fingers. She doesn’t mean to sound bitchy or rude but she honestly doesn’t understand it. She glance at Hoseok’s red eyes, the weed practically reeking from him. “I told you about them.” Yoongi tells her glancing at his best friend laughing loudly. He told Yuna everything — about his friends, his previous lifestyle and you. He slowly prepared her for what she would probably see when Hoseok called him to invite him to one of Seokjin’s parties. Of course he wanted to bring Yuna but not in this kind of environment. Not when she’s too innocent for this. This is not a place for her.

“I know, but they’re all wasted and high.” She comments seeing Jimin laughing so hard that he falls from the couch. The rest of the group gives him a weird looks except you. The small amused smile is playing on your lips causing her to quickly look away. “I used to be like them, you know.” Yoongi mumbles remembering all the parties he was high — actually, mostly not remembering them. He and Hoseok used to get high all the time and one of the things he regrets the most to this day is, that he got you involved in it. You were pure, in your own weird way and you’d never even smoke a simple cigarette. But he damaged you. The way you smoked weed like a true professional makes him sick. This is what he has done to you, although it was your decision to make.

“I know,” She mumbles back, not continuing with the conversation. She leans her head against his shoulder, her eyes finding your face. You laugh at something Hoseok says but with rolling your eyes at him. You’re not high as Hoseok, but she knows you’re when she sees your lazy grin. Your whole body sways to the side ever once in a while. “Did you talk to her?” She asks directly to Yoongi not leaving her eyes from you. He follows the direction her eyes are looking at, seeing you. Taehyung covers your frame with his denim jacket and you gratefully thank him when you start to feel cold for some reason. It’s probably the weed.

“No. I don’t think I should.” He tells her chasing her you furrow her brows. “Why? You haven’t talk to her in a year.” Yoongi gives her a look of confusion, not understanding why his girlfriend wants him to talk to his ex.

“I hurt her. We both hurt each other and I think it’d be for the best if we never talked about us.” He answers lowly, careful with his own words. “Maybe you both will find some closure. You have me and she probably has someone else.” She shrugs head motioning towards Taehyung sitting next to you. He pulls you closer as you tell him you’re still cold. Yoongi only shrugs in response, not really in the mood of talking about you.

You haven’t seen Yoongi for two weeks hoping he left and you never have to see him ever again. But of course, you see the mop of gray hair and his goddamn gummy smile. He’s laughing at something Hoseok tells him. Of course, he’s here. “Do you wanna leave?” Taehyung asks you when he sees you looking away from your ex.

“We’re already here.” You mumble causing him to shrug. “We can still turn around and leave.” He jokes but the way he stares at you lets you know he’s serious. Sighing you shake your head.

“No, it’s fine.” You say going to a different direction that Yoongi is. Taehyung only sighs behind you but follows you nevertheless. Thankfully, he never talked about that night you smoked some weed. He never brought it up. It’s not like you’ve to explain yourself to him but still — he’s your friend. A very good one who’s been there for you ever since Yoongi left.

“Fuck,” You both exclaim out of breath, when you cuddle to Yoongi’s naked chest. Your thighs are covered in his cum but you don’t care, wanting to feel him close. “That was fucking amazing.” Yoongi adds, chest heaving from the rough sex you just had. He reaches to his night stand pulling out joint, lighting it up. He takes a puff, a pleasurable sigh leaving his mouth. The scent of weed fills his room and you look up at him. “Do you want some?” He asks feeling his body relaxing even more. You bite your lip deciding if you want it or not, but your hand automatically reaches for it taking a puff from it just like Yoongi did just seconds ago.

“You don’t have to smoke, you know.” He tells you causing you to furrow your brows. Yoongi would never even notice you if you didn’t come to the party he was at. You remember how he and his friends were slouched on the big sofa asking you if you want some. You’d always say no, but you just had nasty breakup with your ex so you said yes. You thought you’d get some revenge on him which was completely stupid and naive. That night Yoongi gave you his attention. His full attention as you both got high. You got high for the first time. You knew how bad that is for you, you still know it but you did it anyway. “Yeah, I know.” You mumble taking a puff from his joint. You kiss him for the last time before you stand up ready to clean his mess he made on your skin.

“I’m surprised he’s even here.” You speak as you sit down on the kitchen counter while Taehyung leans against it standing right next to you. “Of course, he’s here. It’s Hoseok’s birthday party.” Taehyung replies with ‘duh’ tone in his voice.

“Well, he missed his previous birthday. I thought he’d miss this one as well.” You shrug feeling uncomfortable knot in your stomach just from thinking and talking about Yoongi. “Yeah, but he’s back.” He shrugs casually and your head snaps to his direction.

“What do you mean he’s back? Didn’t he just come for a visit?” You ask with louder voice as Taehyung gives you a sorry look. “I heard he’s back. He moved back to Daegu.” He answers carefully watching your face and waiting for some reaction. Your whole body goes stiff as you slightly open your mouth in shock. He never planned on coming back. At least that’s what he told you.

“Y/N?” You hear very familiar voice but it somehow sounds unfamiliar. Your head snaps to Yoongi who stands in the kitchen doorway looking at the both of you. “Hey, Taehyung.” He greets Taehyung who only waves at him awkwardly. “Can I talk to you?” Your eyes almost budges out of its sockets when you realize he’s speaking to you. Not even once he glances from your face, his sharp eyes silently watching you. He has a oversized black hoodie matching with his black jeans and boots — the only person who can pull all—black outfit so good.

He patiently waits for your answer and you gulp staring at him not able to answer. Taehyung awkwardly coughs standing up straight. “I’ll give you some privacy.” He tells to the both of you, but only looks at you as waiting for your permission. You give him a slight nod, feeling the huge lump in your throat. Taehyung walks out of the kitchen leaving the two of you alone. The air is thick with awkwardness and tension as he slowly walks closer to you. Your hands clasps around the edges of kitchen counter, holding it tightly for support.

“How have you been?” He asks casually making you let out a loud scoff. You bitterly laugh at him not even looking at his face. “That’s what you wanted to talk about? How have I been? Since when do you care?” You’re not controlling your mouth and neither you want to. This is what he deserves. Coming here after a year since he left you heartbroken just like that and talking to you so casually. Who does he think he is?

“Let’s not fight, okay?” He pleads and you scoff once again. He’s unbelievable. “I’m not fighting with you... yet.” You mutter under your breath already feeling annoyed and angry by his presence.

“I’m trying to have a civil conversation with you.” He speaks once again and you want to laugh in his face. And you do — but it’s completely ironic. He can see the anger and hurt in your eyes. You’re cold to him, but what did he expect? “You should’ve thought about it when you left like a fucking coward.” You tell him quickly shutting your mouth when you feel your throat tightening.

“I’m sorry. I hoped I’d at least get to talk to you. I don’t expect for you to like me, but let’s not be like a complete strangers.” He says causing you to look up at him. His voice is filled with worry but he stares into your eyes nevertheless. He wants your forgiveness. “So you’d feel at least some kind of peace for leaving me? Fuck you, Yoongi.” You spit at him hopping off the counter causing him to arch his eyebrows sadly.

“Y/N—“

“No, Yoongi. You can’t just walk in here with your perfect girlfriend after leaving me of two years of relationship. I thought I mean something to you, all those ‘I love you’ were all lies.”

“I loved you.” He speaks and your heart cracks once again. I loved you. The past tense makes your broken wounds slowly open. “Go away.” You tell him quietly, your voice not loud. You’re holding yourself from your voice cracking.

“No.” He tells you stubbornly and you roll your eyes. “Go to your girlfriend, I’m sure she’s waiting for you.” You tell him bitterly. It’s childish, you know. But you can’t help yourself. For all those months you were suffering from his leaving, he already found a new girlfriend right after he broke up with you.

“She’s not here. And why are you getting all snappy? Aren’t you with Taehyung?” He asks with raised brows causing you to scoff. You’re ready to tell him there’s nothing going on between you and Taehyung, but you stop yourself. It’s none of his business, you don’t own him any explanation. So you only purse your lips looking away from him. “I’m done talking to you.” You tell him before quickly walking out of the kitchen. And he doesn’t stop you. Fucking Min Yoongi.

After all of you sings ‘happy birthday’ to Hoseok, he immediately goes to pop up a champagne to celebration. You ignore Yoongi’s presence in the same room as you are and quickly frankly, he doesn’t even spare you a glance. “So how do you feel?” Jimin asks you as the both of you watch Hoseok’s dance moves in the middle of Jin’s living room. That idiot can dance perfectly even though he’s high and wasted. “About what?” You ask, chuckling when you see Jin trying to imitate Hoseok’s moves but it looks way worse.

“About Yoongi coming back.” He answers giving you a side glance. Your clench your jaw before shrugging your shoulder. “I don’t care,” You tell him confidently but he raises his brows. “What?” You snap at him.

“Nothing. You just haven’t touched weed for months and suddenly when he’s back you’re getting high.” Fuck Jimin and his straightforward mouth. You extinguish the last bit of your weed pot, the weed making you feel lighter and more careless. “It has nothing to do with him. Fuck him for not contacting anyone and coming back like nothing happened.” You tell him, suddenly wave of anger washing over you.

“Not contacting anyone?” He seems genuinely caught off guard from your little statement. His brows raised high while he looks at you in shock. “Y/N, he’s been in contact with Hoseok ever since he left.” He tells you and your head snaps to him. Did you hear him clearly?

“What?” You gasp out, your brows furrowed once again. “B—but Hoseok told me...” You don’t even finish your sentence gulping the lump in your throat. Why did he lie? You’re standing up causing Jimin’s eyes to widen.

“Y/N—“ He tries to stop you but before he even can, you’re storming to dancing Hoseok. He smiles widely but stops when he spots you looking absolutely angry. You don’t see Yoongi nowhere in sight but it’s not like you care. You hope he left. “Why do you seem so angry?” He squeaks when you send daggers in his direction.

“You’ve been in contact with him all this time?” You ask through your gritted teeth wanting nothing more than to choke him. A rush of realization hits Hoseok face knowing who you’re talking about. Who else would you be talking about, right? Nobody was ever so close to you as Yoongi. Not even Taehyung. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” He tells you and you scoff.

“I asked you,” You start, gulping whatever what was creating in your throat. “I asked you if he contacted you and you said no. I kept asking about him like some phatetic bitch and you said he never contacted you.” Your voice is shaking and you hate it. You don’t know whether it’s your natural reaction or the weed and alcohol in your system.

“Y/N... you need to understand. I had to lie to you to protect you.” He starts, his voice and expression too serious. Hoseok is never this serious. He’s always all fun and high, but this time it’s like another person is standing in front of you. It’s like you don’t know anyone anymore. “To protect me? You didn’t protect me, you hurt me.” You tell him wiping that one awful tear that spilled out of your eye.

“Shit, I’m sorry. I knew you’re still in love with him and I saw you in your worst state. Telling you the truth would hurt you even more.” He tries to explain to you but you only shake your head in disagreement. “My worse state? I was in that state because of him!” You say louder feeling your head throb.

“You were getting high every single fucking day! You didn’t know about yourself, you were a fucking mess!” He screams in your face, silencing you right away. You know he’s telling the truth. You know it. But despise that you still shake your head biting into your lip harshly. “I—I have to go.” You mumble under your breath turning around. But you’re met with Yoongi’s eyes as he stares at you apologetically.

“Y/N...” Your name coming from your lips causes you to feel even more anger and hurt. You shut your eyes from the painful feeling wiping your eyes not caring about your makeup. “I need to go.” You tell to anyone at this point, quickly walking away. But Yoongi catches your forearm stopping you. It’s like his touch is burning you causing you to flinch away but he holds you in your place. “Let me go.” You tell him sternly and he has that audacity to shake his head in a silent ‘no’.

“You can’t go alone like this. Something will happen to you.” He speaks to you softly not letting you go. “I’ll take her.” Taehyung appears next to you, gaining everyone’s attention. Yoongi slowly lets go of you and you quickly run to Taehyung’s arms. He hugs you to his chest glaring at Hoseok and Yoongi.

“Take me home, Tae.” You plead him and just like that he’s turning you around, taking you out of that goddamn house.

You feel like a fucking mess and you’re absolutely sure you even look like it. But you still went to the coffee shop near your apartment building. You’re putting the cover over your paper cup after adding some extra sugar when you hear someone’s voice hesitantly. You turn around and your mouth almost drops open when you see Yuna standing a few meters away from you. “Y/N, right?” She asks slowly walking to you. She wears a nice flower dress complete opposite to your horrendous outfit — black leggings and oversized T-shirt you found in your closet. Her hair is nicely done in beach waves while you have an ordinary ponytail. She glows while having her make up nicely down. And you? You’ve bags under your eyes from the countless sleepless nights.

“Yeah.” You nod sipping from your hot coffee. “I don’t know if you remember me. I’m Yuna. We met at Jin’s party?” She asks politely and you want to scratch out her eyes for some reason. She hasn’t done anything to you, she’s sweet and polite but you can’t help it. Of course you fucking remember her. Everyone talked about Yoongi’s new girlfriend that night.

“I remember you.” You want to roll your eyes but you don’t, having at least some decency left in you. “I wanted to talk to you. Well, because I,” She stops looking somehow nervous. You raise your brow at her impatiently cocking your head to the side. “I know you and Yoongi used to date.” She tells you carefully waiting for your reaction.

“Oh.” You slightly open your mouth but quickly close it. What are you suppose to tell her? But it somehow surprises you. You thought you’re Yoongi’s dirty little secret. But it seems like their relationship is very important to him since he even mentioned you to her. “I actually told him to talk to you.”

You feel sudden rush of anger attacking your whole body after her words. So he talked to you because she wanted him to? Fucking asshole! “Yeah, he did.” You say through your gritted teeth remembering his fucking annoying face with fake worry.

“I know, he told me.” She beams and you roll your eyes. “Of course he did.” She furrows her brows at you for a moment but quickly smiles politely.

“How did it go?” She asks, her tone sounds like you’ve been friends this whole time and it somehow annoys you even more. “I told him to fuck himself,” You tell her honestly and she gasps out. This time you’re the one who smiles at her. “I gotta go.” You don’t even know why you’ve told her that, you should’ve just walked away. You leave her there standing dumbfounded and for some sick reason, you feel somehow pleased with yourself.

Yuna puts her almost finished coffee on the kitchen counter in Yoongi’s kitchen. “You’re already here?” Yoongi smiles as he walks in to the kitchen seeing his girlfriend. He kisses her cheek before drinking the rest of her coffee. He scrunches his nose when he can’t taste any sugar but he gulps it all down anyway. “Yeah, I met Y/N today.” She tells him causing him to freeze for a second. Yoongi quickly composes himself putting the empty cup in the trash.

He comes behind Yuna, wrapping his hand over her petite body inhaling her scent. He kisses her neck not saying anything. “I talked to her.” She tells him causing him to sigh.

“I told you to not to talk to her, babe.” He tells her making her sigh as well. “Didn’t she scratch your eyes out?” He asks turning her around looking for some injures.

“Yoongi, stop it.” She slaps his hand scowling at him. “I think you should somehow work it out. You both have mutuals friends so you’ll get to see each other more often. I’d be very happy if there wouldn’t be no hate between all of us.”

“You want me to talk to my ex?” He asks raising his brow at her. She nods making him give her a weird look. What girlfriend wants her boyfriend to talk to his ex? “Besides, I already talked to her. I told you about it. She was pretty pissed off.”

“You broke her heart, what do you expect?” Yuna asks him causing Yoongi to glare at her. He told her everything about your breakup. He knows he’s the one who hurt you the most, who left you just like that. “Are you taking her side?” He asks genuinely confused by her.

“No!” She exclaims cupping Yoongi’s face. “I think both of you should move on.” She states casually.

”I moved on. I got you,” He shrugs caressing her cheek before kissing her caramel skin. “Besides, I think she’s dating Taehyung.” His voice muffled by her skin.

“Is she really?” She asks curiously and Yoongi shrugs. “They seemed pretty close and she didn’t deny it when I brought it up.” He explains causing her to pull away.

“Why did you ask her about that?” So now she’s going to be jealous. Yoongi thinks as he wants to roll his eyes but he stops himself. “She said something about you. It doesn’t matter. Fuck her.” He tells her before kissing her on her lips this time, shutting her up.

“Y/N, what a pleasure.” Jaeho greets you as soon as he spots you in the crowd. It’s been a few days since you’ve talked with Yoongi and you still can’t get him out off your mind. And what is a better way to forget him than getting a little helper in that forgetting. “Enough with that enthusiasm. Do you have it?” You ask him impatiently looking around the crowd. There are barely any girls and whole place is filled with smoke making it hard to see properly.

“So impatient,” He comments causing you shoot him a glare and he only chuckles in response. “I have these.” He mutters pulling couple of syringes. You’re sure there’s heroin or something different in it. Your eyes widen in shock. “Fuck no.” You decline immediately and he rolls his eyes.

“You’re no fun,” He says unimpressed with you. “Here you go.” This time he hands you what you came for. Weed. It’s in plastic bag and you quickly snatch it hiding it in your leather jacket.

“How much?” You ask already ready to pull out your wallet but he only chuckles shaking his head. He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, smirking at you. “Take it as a friend helping friend.” He tells you causing you to pull away with disgusted face. You’re nowhere near friends.

“Come on, that’s not nice,” He fakely pouts and you want to gag but you stop yourself. “I was quite surprised when you texted me. I thought you stopped smoking weed.” Of course, he heard it. Everyone knows how Yoongi left and probably everyone knows how messed up you were after that breakup. You’d be on Jaeho doorstep almost every week buying some weed from him. He used to be Yoongi’s number one dealer. Yoongi was the one who introduced you to him.

“I did.” You nod not wanting to get deeper into that conversation. He can sense it, so he doesn’t push it simply giving you one of his grins. “Well, why don’t you stay for awhile?” He asks brushing his fingers on your black leather jacket. Your eyes follow his fingers, already glaring at him for even touching you. He laughs pulling his hand away. He’s teasing you.

“No, thanks.” You shake your head but that doesn’t seem enough for him. “Oh, come on. There is a free weed and alcohol. You don’t have to stay for long, just have a drink and smoke with me, yeah?” You roll your eyes but he sees the way you look at him. He excitedly grins when he knows he won this time. He’s already lightening up his joint smirking at you.

“Let’s have fun.” That’s the last thing you pay attention to before letting the weed overtake you.

“Fuck, I want you.” Yoongi says unbuckling his belt quickly, looking down at Yuna. She stares at him through her thick lashes spreading her legs even wider. He looks up at her entrance causing him to lick his lips. He’s taking off his jeans and boxer briefs at the same time, not feeling patient this time. He’s stroking himself when he hears the phone ringing. Annoyance flashes through his face but he ignores it as it ends soon. “Why didn’t you answer?” Yuna asks, not really wanting him to answer. She takes her flower dress off throwing it on Yoongi’s bedroom floor leaving her completely naked. Her caramel skin glows as he leans down to kiss her. As he’s kissing her, he slowly strokes his cock ready to enter her when his phone goes off once again.

“Fuck.” He groans, ignoring it stroking himself. It stops and Yoongi sighs in delight ready to finally enter her. But once again — his phone ringing is so loud it causes Yoongi to loudly groan. He stands up snatching his phone from his night stand. He doesn’t look at the caller, accepting the call right away. “What?” He snaps into the phone, not regretting it one bit.

“Really nice welcoming tone, my old friend.” Jaeho’s voice booms through the speaker causing Yoongi to look at his phone screen. He deleted his phone number long time ago but he could never mistake his voice. He knows it too well. “Why are you calling me?” Yoongi asks confusingly, still kind of annoyed he interrupted him. He looks at Yuna who patiently lays on his bed with spreaded legs and glistening slit.

“Geez, thanks,” Jaeho mutters ironically. “Your little baby is here. I mean, not your anymore but...” He trails off causing Yoongi to furrow his brows. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Yoongi exclaims with ‘what the fuck’ face even though Jaeho can’t see him.

“Y/N is here.” He tells him and Yoongi inhales at the sound of your name. “Where?”

“At my place.” And for some reason, Yoongi’s heart beat fastens up. He never let you hangout in Jaeho’s place even though Yoongi himself was there couple of times. His parties was nothing more than filled with drug dealers on completely another level. Those people weren’t smoking just weed. Heroin, cocain, morphine... everything you could possible name. Those people are beasts, drugs being their whole life using women to their own benefit. “What the fuck is she doing there?” Yoongi asks immediately turning around to Yuna with his back. He bites into his lip anxiously. Different scenarios playing in his head making his stomach uncomfortably turn.

“Calm down, Romeo. She only came for some weed but than I invited her to have some drink and weed. We didn’t stop after that, she’s wild, man.” Yoongi clenches his jaw at Jaeho’s words. He knows he wouldn’t purposely harm you, but that doesn’t calm him down. “Is she okay?” He asks not sure what is he suppose to do. He can’t just leave and go to you when his own girlfriend is waiting right next to him. He still stands star naked with his naked ass turned to Yuna.

“That’s why I’m calling you. I think she has enough but she still begs for more. There are a lot of men who already has their eyes set on her and I’m kind of worried. You know I can’t do much. And her phone is locked so I didn’t know who to call. And I heard you’re back, so I called you.” He explains. Yoongi sighs, fingers frustratedly in his hair as bites his lower lip.

“Who is with her right now? Don’t tell me you left her alone.” Yoongi grits through his teeth. He’s picking up his boxer briefs quickly putting it on, covering his almost soft cock. “Calm down, I didn’t. I can still see her.” He answers. Yoongi only realizes now that he can hear music in the background but it’s not too loud.

“I’m on my way. Don’t get your eyes off her.” He tells him sternly ignoring Yuna’s confusing look his way. “Man, I never thought I’d hear that from you.” He tries to joke but Yoongi doesn’t seem to be in a mood.

“I fucking meant it.” He growls and that’s the last thing he says before hanging up. He puts his T-shirt on ready to walk from the bedroom when Yuna coughs. He looks at her completely forgetting she’s even in the room. The only thing on his mind is you and your safety. “Where are you going?” She asks sitting up covering her body with a sheet.

“I need to go somewhere. Like, right now. I’ll explain everything later, okay?” He tells her. She hesitatingly nods and he doesn’t wait for anything quickly running out of his apartment building to his car.

“I want more.” You pout, your hands reaching to Jaeho who seems to be much closer than he really is. You can’t reach him even though it feels like he’s right next to you. “Sorry, princess. You’ve had enough.” He tells you and you scoff.

“Who the fuck are you to tell me this? Give me more!” You say loudly causing couple of men look your way before continuing with their conversations. “Can’t do, sorry.” He tells you and you’re ready to cry when a person sitting next to you speaks up.

“I can give you some.” He speaks smirking at you. You’re too high to even fully notice his facial features but he doesn’t look too old. “Yeah?” You ask hopefully, eyes shining. He takes a puff from his joint holding it in his mouth as he motions with his finger for you to come closer. You smile already knowing what he means. You kiss him as he lets out the smoke fill your mouth. You moan into the kiss as he grabs your hips hovering over you. Jaeho tells him something along the lines to get off of you, but you’re both too high to even properly listen to him. His hand is ready to grope you when you suddenly don’t feel him anymore. You think you’re that high that you’ve hallucinated and imagined all of that. But you open your eyes seeing someone you definitely wasn’t expecting.

“I think the fuck not.” He growls at the younger male pushing him away. He glares at him but he’s too high to put up a fight walking away. “Yoongi?” You cock your head seeing him blurry. Is that him? He looks at you — as you look at him confusingly with cocked head to the side causing you to look like a little kid. But then he notices your red eyes right away, your skin paler than usual and you probably lost some weight. You don’t look healthy and his heart slightly cracks at the sight. Maybe he left you but it still doesn’t leave him to be heartless.

“Finally, lover boy.” Jaeho speaks and Yoongi shoots daggers his way with his sharp eyes. “I fucking told you to take care of her. Why that fucking drugged asshole was ready to grope her?” He growls angrily, his hand in a fist.

“I told them to pull away from each other. They didn’t listen to me.” He shrugs and Yoongi clenches his jaw controlling himself. He wants nothing more than to fucking hit him but he controls himself. Instead, his eyes focuses on the girl in front of him. You. You sit there closing your eyes slowly. Yoongi shoots forward pulling you up. “Come on, baby.” He whispers as he’s picking you up. You barely stand on your legs, but he holds you tightly.

“Yoongi?” You ask weakly, your head falling down every now and then. “I’m here, I’m here.” He assures you. He gives Jaeho nasty glare before walking out of that fucking dump place. When Yoongi comes home, Yuna is nowhere in the sight. However, she leaves a note on his nightstand.

‘I hope nothing bad happened, text me when you can. Love you xxx’

He takes off your leather jacket putting it on his desk in his bedroom. He doesn’t take any of your clothes even though you reek of weed and alcohol. He doesn’t want to take off your close without any permission and he feels like he’s not entitled to do that. Not anymore. He lays you down on his bed, your body completely limp. You almost look like you’re dead and he quickly checks your pulse. He sighs in relief when he feels it. He sits on the chair in the corner of his bedroom not turning off the light of his lamp. He wants to see you just in case. He watches your chest heaving not getting his eyes off of you. He stares at you for another hour before he feels his eyes fluttering and head slowly falling backwards. His own tiredness catching him up.

You wake up at the awful taste in your mouth followed with vomits coming up your stomach, causing you to gag and quickly sit up. There’s someone handing you a bucket and pulling your hair up so you don’t vomit on it as well. “It’s okay, let it out.” You hear soft murmur but you’re too busy to vomit anything that got into your stomach. When you feel slightly better you take a napkin someone hands you, wiping your mouth. “Thanks.” You mutter quietly opening your teary eyes. You wipe your nose feeling a snot coming out of it which your vomiting caused. You feel disgusted but you also feel so bad to even fully realize it. You look up meeting those familiar eyes and you swear you feel your stomach clench.

“Yoongi?” You breathe out, looking around yourself. You’re in someone’s bedroom — you’ve never been here. The smell. The familiar smell that once felt like home. This has to be Yoongi’s bedroom. You’re at his place. “W—what—“

“Jaeho called me to pick you up. You were pretty out of it last night.” He explains and you scoff. “I’m going to fucking kill him.” You’re about to stand up, but he stops you. His hand grabs your wrist as he looks at you sternly.

“If he wouldn’t call me, god knows what would have happened to you.” He speaks lowly and slowly like he’s trying to get those words through your thick skull. You flinch from his hold scowling at him. “Yeah, why do you care?” You mumble under your breath not looking at him.

He bitterly chuckles before standing up. “You should take a shower. You reek of weed and alcohol.” He says to you but it sounds offensive. At least his tone does. “You know that smell pretty well, right? Or did you forget already?” You ask him bitterly. You don’t know what’s coming over you and why you are acting like a bitch. He clenches his jaw turning around walking to his closet. He pulls out some clothes, his clothes, since they seem too big for you. He throws it at you, the clothes hitting your chest.

“The first door on the right.” He tells you. You give him a glare, just sitting there and glaring at him. But he does the same, you quietly growl before standing up. Even though you didn’t say it out loud, you do reek and you’re in desperate need of shower. You just never thought you’d end up showering at your ex’s place. You don’t remember him coming to get you. The hell, you don’t remember most of the night. And it scares you. What if something happened to you? The cold droplets of water wakes you up and you quickly reach for shower gel to get rid of that awful smell. You’re trying to wash your body as best and fast as you can. When you’re sure there’s a not single dirty spot on your body, you wrap your body into one of the white towels. There’s a small knock on the door.

“Are you okay?” Yoongi’s voice is muffled but you can hear him clearly. “Yeah.” You answer him not so loudly but he hears you. You still can’t believe you’re at his place.

“There’s a new toothbrush in the cupboard, feel free to use it.” He tells you. You mumble hesitated ‘thank you’ before pulling out the new toothbrush. You notice the woman products in his cupboard and two toothbrushes in the small cup on the sink. There’s that uncomfortable feeling in your stomach once again, so you decide to quickly brush your teeth and dress up in the clothes Yoongi gave you. Everything is too big for you, but it’ll do for now. The smell of nice fabric softener with Yoongi’s scent takes you back to the time two of you were together. You quickly shake your head, as if to get rid of those thoughts. You open the bathroom door not looking around, quickly walking to his bedroom. He’s on his phone texting someone, probably Yuna. He puts his phone into his back pocket of his jeans, reaching for your jacket which is on the floor. As he’s pulling it up, the transparent bag filled with weed comes out. His brows furrow as he slowly picks it up. The look he gives you right after kind of scares you.

“Give it back.” You tell him reaching for it just for him to quickly dodge your hand. “What the fuck, Y/N?” He scowls at you even more — as if it was possible.

“Give it back.” You tell him slowly and sternly but he only continues to glare at you. “Are you fucking out of your mind? I just took care of you since you were so high and you’re not going to stop?!” He raises his voice. You’ve no idea why he is doing that in the first place.

“You out of all people have no right to tell me that.” You snap at him. Who does he think he is to tell you what to do? “I think I do since I stopped. And so should you.” He says bitterly.

“It’s none of your business, so give it back.” You raise your voice once again but it doesn’t look like it helps. He’s too fucking stubborn. “It’ll ruin you.” He tells you and the way he tells you with honesty in his eyes scares you. You know he’s right. You’re fucking stupid to think this but — it’s like you’re getting a revenge. But all you do is ruin yourself with this.

“I’m already ruined,” You tell him quietly. His face softens as he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. That’s what you thought. “You can have it.” You mumble before you snatch your jacket from his hand quickly leaving his place. You’ve no idea where you’re when you come out of his apartment building, so you quickly pull out your phone already opening map app. You feel like a total douchebag for not telling him ‘thank you’ for bringing you to his place safely, but it’s not like you asked for his help. But this is something people who hurt you the most makes you do.

“So what exactly happened?” Yuna asks causing Yoongi to stop eating for a moment. He swallows his food looking at his girlfriend. “Jaeho called me that Y/N is... wasted and high. He didn’t know who to call so I had to pick her up.” He explains as she nods with neutral face expression.

“Jaeho, the guy who...?” She doesn’t finish her question but Yoongi knows what she’s asking. “Yeah, the one who used to sell me weed.” He confirms her thoughts. He finishes his food, leaving the plate empty.

“Men there are fucking crazy. They are capable of unspeakable things. I had to go there and pick her up. I think I owe her.” He tells Yuna softly and she understandably nods. She reaches for Yoongi’s hand which he gladly takes. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it.” She smiles causing a warm smile appear on his lips.

“I love you.” He tells her causing her to grin. “I love you too.”

Distracting yourself is one of the hardest things you have to do in awhile. You thought missing some of Jin’s and Hoseok’s parties would help, but it doesn’t. Only he is on your mind. Fucking Min Yoongi.

“Yoongi!” You almost yell, clenching around his cock which is hitting all the right places. He brushes over your g-spot couple of times making you cum. You grip his shoulders harshly, cumming third time already. He growls into your neck letting go as well, cumming inside of you. He hovers over you, not wanting to fall right onto you. His hands are shaking so he pulls out causing his and yours cum to spill out. He lays beside you onto his back, staring at the ceiling. He’s been very weird lately and the sex you both just had — was weird. It wasn’t fast and rough as it used to be all the time. It wasn’t even making love you both did couple of times before he started fucking you roughly. It seemed like his head and mind aren’t at the right place. Something’s bothering him and you can’t put your finger on it. You’re ready to cuddle him but it’s like his whole body shakes but that’s not what causes you to stop. It’s the words he’s saying clear and loud. “Let’s breakup.” Your whole body freezes and you quickly sit up.

“What?” You ask breathlessly, thinking you’ve heard him wrong. But your heart is beating so fast you can feel it against your chest. “Let’s breakup.” He says again slowly sitting up.

“Yoongi whatever is happening with you, I’m here for you.” You tell him but he slowly shakes his head. “I don’t want to be with you anymore. I’m breaking up with you.” His tone isn’t harsh, he says with absolute soft voice and serious gaze. You stand up quickly putting your T-shirt on.

“W—Why?” Your lips starts to tremble and you hate how his face softens at the sight. He’s pitying you. “I want to start a new life. That means no drugs.” He tells you and you scoff.

“No drugs? What about me? No me?” You ask angry, but the main feeling you’re feeling right now is hurt. You can’t believe he’s breaking up with you like this. None of his answers makes no sense. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes standing up. He starts to dress his boxer briefs and jeans.

“Sorry? Were you lying when you said you loved me?” You ask him, your voice cracking at the end. You’re so shocked you don’t know what to ask or tell him first. You still can’t believe it. “I didn’t. I just need this. I need break from all of this.” You want to laugh at his face but you’re too hurt to do that. You wipe your tears that stained your cheeks.

You still feel his cum spilling out of you and you want to gag. The feeling of being used washes over you. “You’re a pig! You just had sex with me and now you’re breaking up with me?! Right after I had sex with you?!” You yell at him and it pisses you off how he seems calm about this. He sighs feeling ashamed. Good, he should be ashamed.

“I had to say goodbye.” He tells you with sad eyes. “You’re messed up. Leave.” You tell him and he stands there not moving.

“Y/N—“ He tries to speak but a loud sob comes from your mouth. “Fucking leave!” You scream at him. And without any fight, he simply leaves closing your bedroom door softly behind him. You fall onto the floor crying loudly not believing what just happened. You feel your heart cracking, the full realization what just happened hits you right in your heart.

Finding out later on, that in fact he moved out of Daegu you realized maybe that was the last time you’ve seen him. But then he had to come back and ruin your life again. Finding your friend, his best friend, lied to you about being in any contact with him. You feel like a complete fool, your closest friends breaking and hurting you all the time. Everyone kept treating you like some little girl who would break up just at the mention of her ex. And maybe you would. You don’t know how many conversation they held when they saw you high, probably the most high you’ve ever been. You don’t know a lot of things but that’s because nobody tells you anything. You feel betrayed and hurt.

“I think you should stop.” Taehyung speaks up as you step on joint, your boot stepping onto hard pavement. “I think you should shut up.” You tell him right away, too high to realize the meaning of your words. Too high to notice Taehyung’s hurt expression.

“I’m just looking out for you. I know you’re going through some things thanks to Yoongi but—“

“Just— shut up.” You snap at him. This time he doesn’t stay hurt, he angrily looks at you. “Why are you being such a bitch? He’s back, Y/N. And there’s nothing you can do with it. This, won’t help you!” He raises his voice, snatching the transparent bag of weed from your hands. Your eyes spit fire as you glare at him, but he’s not afraid.

“I’m done, Y/N. I’m done taking care of you while you keep hurting yourself in the first place.” He tells you quietly turning around walking away from you. Your mouth opens as you call his name weakly. But he doesn’t turn around leaving you standing in front of Jin’s house. You know he’s right. You fucking know it, but it doesn’t stop you to walk up to Hoseok asking for some weed.

“I’m sorry, Y/N. I don’t have any.” He tells you as he looks away not able to look you in the eyes. Hoseok and not having any weed? This never happens and the way he dodges your eyes tells you he’s lying. “You don’t have any?” You chuckle amusingly. “Stop lying, I can see right through you.” You scoff. This time he looks deadly in your eyes.

“I don’t have any weed for you.” He tells you shifting his weight. You stand there trying to understand his words. But then you feel dark eyes looking at you over Hoseok’s posture. Yoongi. He’s slouched on the couch looking at your interaction with you. And that’s when you realize it. Yoongi told him not to give you any weed. Hoseok sees the realization on your face and he looks at you with apologetic eyes.

“Since when do you listen to him?” You ask him coldly. Hoseok sighs, fingers running through his red hair. “He’s my best friend, Y/N.”

You bitterly laugh at him. “Best friend who leaves everyone behind just to have a new life. What a great best friend.” You tell him bitterly with venom in your voice. Hoseok doesn’t want to correct you, because it’s not exactly how you think it is. But he understands your behavior. The anger in your eyes and voice. He broke you and Hoseok knows it.

“Just have some drink, Y/N. You can have fun without weed.” Yeah but you can’t stop thinking about him without it. “Funny considering this is coming from you.” You tell him ironically and he rolls his eyes at you.

“Whatever, I don’t have any.” And with this he turns around leaving you there standing all dumbfounded. Yoongi gives questioning look to Hoseok, but he only waves his hand at him probably telling he’ll explain him later. “Asshole.” You curse at him under your breath turning around angrily.

If he thinks he’s the only one who can give you what you want, he’s wrong. He forgot this party is filled with people having weed in their pockets.

“Yoongi!” He hears his name as he’s in the middle of chatting with Hoseok. “Your ex is wild!” One of the guys shouts with a huge grin. Yoongi’s brows furrows as he looks at him confusingly.

“What are you talking about?” Hoseok asks instead of Yoongi. He hasn’t seen you ever since he didn’t give you any weed. He thought you left, but apparently not. “Come look.” Hoseok stands up but Yoongi stops him with quick hand motion.

“I’ll handle it.” He tells him, not waiting for any response following the guy who screamed his name. His eyes are furrowed all the time as he confusingly looks around and that’s when he spots you — you’re on the top of kitchen counter, vodka bottle in your hand and joint between your plump lips. You’re dancing barefoot but it looks too slippery causing you to stumble almost falling down. There are guys cheering and whistling at you. Yoongi walks through the crowd stopping in front of you. He tugs the hem of your dress to gain your attention and you smile, but quickly stop when you see Yoongi. “Come down!” He yells through the loud music. You pull out the joint from your lips scowling at him, but not before you take a gulp from vodka. It burns your throat and it’s disgusting but it still doesn’t stop you. Yoongi scrunches his nose at the sight reaching his hands to you.

“Come on, you’ll fall!” You slaps his hands away in response, sticking your tongue out at him. He shoots you a glare. “Y/N. Now.” He growls angrily at you, loosing his patience with you.

You twirl around, your leg weirdly bending almost falling once again. His heart jumps at the sight but he sighs in relief when you’re standing without any harm. “Fuck you, Min Yoongi.” You tell him, jumping making the hem of your dress to rise up. Guys whistle when they get a glimpse of your panties and Yoongi shoots daggers their way shutting them immediately.

“I’m loosing my patience, Y/N.” He growls and you only chuckle. “I already lost mine, you fucking—“ A squeal leaves your mouth as Yoongi puts you down throwing you over his shoulder. He makes sure your ass is covered with your dress shooting one last glare at the guys before walking away with you. He puts you down in one of the bedrooms, probably guest’s room.

“Why would you do that?” You ask slapping his chest which seems to be much more firm than the last time you’ve felt it. “You could’ve hurt yourself.” He tells you and you chuckle.

“Leave me alone, you dumb fuck.” You curse at him but it doesn’t affect him. He sees your red eyes and the whole careless attitude is only a huge facade you created. He knows you. You haven’t changed one bit. You turn around to him, pulling out joint from your bra. He doesn’t see it, staring at you confusingly until you turn around with it in your mouth. He storms at you pulling it out of your mind.

“Why—“ Your voice is cut off by his own as he shakes your shoulders aggressively. “Are you fucking out of your mind?! What are you doing to yourself?!” He screams in your face, his eyes getting teary at the sight of you. Maybe your personality haven’t changed but you’ve definitely changed from the outside. He has never seen your eyes so red and puffy, your pupils big and black. Even your skin looks paler even though you tried to hide your natural face with makeup. “Why are you getting yourself high all the fucking time?!” He screams once again, veins popping out of his neck.

“Don’t you get it? I have to stay high to keep you out off my mind!” You’re the one who screams now shutting him up. Your own eyes are getting teary and he holds you tightly, his hands on your shoulders. Hurt flashes through his face and he quickly looks away to prevent himself from crying, hands letting you go. He barely cries.

“Can we talk, please?” He pleads. “No.” You answer immediately and he looks at you with begging eyes. “I need to talk to you.”

You bite your lip thinking about it. “Fine, but if you’ll have one with me.” You tell him pointing to the joint in his hand. His eyes widen as he slowly shakes his head. “I’m done with smoking weed.” He tells you and you shrug your shoulders.

“Fine, then I won’t talk to you.” You walk away from him causing him to panic. “Wait!” You stop arching a brow at him. “Okay, but just one.” He mutters as triumphant smile crosses over your lips. He can’t believe he’s about to smoke weed just so he can talk to you. You sit down on the floor, back leaning against the bed frame. You pat the empty spot beside you couple of times causing him to chuckle. He sits beside you looking at you shamelessly. You’re the first one who takes a puff, handing it to Yoongi. He stares at it for a moment before he takes it from you. In other situations, you would probably tell him that if he doesn’t want to smoke weed, he doesn’t have to. But in this situation, where you’re absolutely high you’re complete opposite. You silently watch him as he brings the weed pot to his lips, taking a slow puff. You silently watch him as he leans his head back, against the edge of the mattress.

“Can I talk now?” He asks and you roll your eyes. He just had to ruin the moment. “If you insist.” You mumble, reaching for a weed but he reaches his arm further so you can’t reach it.

“I need you to listen to me,” He tells you seriously. You sigh nodding still reaching for joint in his hands. “And I don’t need for you to be more high then you already are. I want you to remember this.” Rolling your eyes for what seems like hundredth time today, you obey him. He sighs in relief, glad he doesn’t need to put up with your high ass.

“I want to apologize for leaving you like that. I should’ve never done that.” He speaks causing you to raise your brow. “You think?” He shoots you a glare which says ‘shut up’ and you shut your mouth. “One of the main reasons why I left was... I destroyed you, Y/N. Whether you agree or not. You started to smoke weed because of me. We didn’t spend our date nights at restaurants, cinemas or whatever the fuck we were supposed to do. We got high and drunk instead. It wasn’t healthy, not for me and not for you. I thought leaving you would help you realize you should love yourself first and I hoped... you’d get back to your old self. The one I met when you were innocent and the thought of weed disgusted you.” He speaks, looking at his pale fingers which he’s fumbling with. He looks at you making sure you’re listening to him and you’re. You slowly blink looking at him. This time he sees that Y/N he met.

“I knew you got high because you broke up with your ex back then. And I knew you continued so you’d impress me.” He tells you and you suck in breath. He’s talking about the first time he met you. You remember him telling you something along the lines that you don’t have to smoke, but you still did. Your young naive you thought you’d get closer to him. And the feeling of getting high was too good. Yoongi wasn’t the only reason why you started with it in the first place. Coming from a broken family, not having anyone to lean onto, you tried to find love in weed. But then you found Yoongi. Weed and Yoongi went in one hand and one thing led to another and here you’re. Completely broken once again.

You watch him silently as he brings the joint to his mouth, taking a puff. You realize he almost smoked it all, his whole figure seems much more relaxed. “But it still doesn’t cut it for you to leave me like that,” You murmur remembering the heartbreak you felt. “You didn’t try to contact me, you only disappeared. I feel like an fucking idiot because I was the only one who doesn’t know anything. You were in contact with Hoseok and I didn’t even know.”

“Believe it or not, but I called him everyday to ask him how are you. How are you’re holding up.” He answers causing your head to snap at him. “Why didn’t you call me?” You ask, your voice cracking at the end making you feel pathetic.

“We both know that it wouldn’t be a good idea,” He tells you honestly. “I hated myself for what I did to you. I still do. I should have never left.” He speaks quietly and you look at him with teary eyes. “Yoongi...” You whisper. As soon as he look at you, you notice his slightly reddened eyes, pupils getting big. He watches your face, as you look at him heartbroken and it simply leads him to caress your cheek. The touch is so soft causing you to close your eyes but you open them in case you’re dreaming. You’re not, he traces your lips with his thumb remembering all the times he kissed you passionately. He misses it. You can see the way his eyes shift from your eyes to your lips. He starts to lean in and you’re anticipating the feeling of his lips — and you do. His lips still feels like two softest pillows you’ve ever tasted. Just when you think it was a innocent peck, his lips starts to move while his hands grabs your face holding you in place. You moan into his lips causing a low growl coming from the back of his throat. He picks you up laying you onto the soft bed before hovering over you. He looks at you for a second finding something that would tell him you don’t want this. But instead he sees you biting your lip with hot gaze. He knows this gaze very well. And he didn’t even realize how much he missed it until now. His lips attach to your neck leaving pecks everyone from your neck to collarbones, making way to the low cut of your dress pecking your covered breasts. “Fuck, I missed you so much.” He whispers causing you to whine under his touch.

“I missed you.” You admit as his eyes finds yours. He gives you a soft gaze followed with regretful eyes. He doesn’t speak, instead making his thoughts into actions. He places himself between your spread legs, hands rummaging from your hips to exposed thighs. Your dress got ridden up when you spread your legs but you don’t care. You’re dying to feel him as much as you can. He shifts causing you to feel his huge tent in his jeans. You almost moan at the feeling.

“Can I take these off?” He asks you playing with the hem of your dress. You abruptly nod already dressing them yourself. He chuckles but it dies as soon as he sees your lacy black underwear. His eyes darken and he slowly stripes his tongue against his lips to moisturize them. You know that look. The look he used to look at you whenever he was about to destroy you. You sit up pressing your palms on his chest. He sits up and you take this chance to sit on his lap, hands pressing onto his chest firmly so he lays down. A look of surprise crosses his face causing you to smirk down on him. “Wasn’t expecting that, hm?” You ask, hands too busy with taking off his belt.

“No, but go on.” He tells you while his lips curls into amused smirk. He helps you take off his jeans leaving him in his boxer briefs. A huge tent in his boxer briefs makes you almost whimper outloud. You trace your finger against it causing his hips to jerk at the soft touch. “Please.” He whispers when you repeat the whole process.

“Please what?” You ask with archer brows and he looks at you with disbelief. “Are you seriously going to make me beg?” He breathes out, obviously frustrated by you. Maybe you would, just to tease him like he always used to tease you. But you’re too impatient for that.

“Not my style.” You tell him, tugging down the hem of his boxer briefs. Revealing his veiny cock, you automatically reach for it to squeeze it. Yoongi whimpers feeling your hand wrapped around him. Your thumb grazes around his tip, pre-cum already leaking from it. Your panties are getting too sticky and uncomfortable but it dries you even more crazy seeing Yoongi like this — spreaded on the bed anticipating your touch. Dipping your head down, you take him into your mouth moaning at the feeling of his cock. Vibrations of your moan causes Yoongi to squeeze his eyes shut before he moans quietly. You almost forgot how big and good he feels in your mouth. You’re bobbing your head up and down trying to take as much of him as possible. You suppress the gagging you feel when he hits the back of your throat. You take his balls into your palm massaging it causing him to thrust his hips upward, this time you’re not able to suppress the gag. You pull away with furrowed brows, your lips wet with your saliva making them glisten. The sight could be disgusting and forbidden for someone, but not for Yoongi. It drives him crazy to see you like that.

“Shit, sorry.” He apologizes, leaning onto his forearms to get a better look at you. “It’s okay.” You tell him with amused smile.

“Lay down.” He demands sitting up. “But I haven’t finished.” You exclaim not moving from your position.

“Yeah, I almost did.” He tells you shamelessly. You cock your head for a few seconds before realization hits your face causing you to widen your eyes. Yoongi feels embarrassed how close he already felt, almost cumming in your mouth just with a few strokes. “So be a good girl for me and lay down.” He tells you with dark tone. You quickly go to lay down onto the spot he layed on just a moment ago.

“Good girl,” He says caressing your ankle with his long fingers causing you to spread your legs even more. Fuck, he’s so hot. “You thought you could be the dominant one? Hmm?” His eyes focus on your covered crotch before he’s tugging your panties off. His eyes sparkle as they look between your legs, your wetness making him cocky and proud that he can still make you feel this way. With his two fingers he collects the wetness, softly touching your slit causing your back to slightly arch at the amazing feeling. “Do you want me to taste you, angel?” He asks with fake innocence and you push the urge to curse at him knowing he’d make you suffer before of your attitude.

“Yes,” You breathe out looking at him with desperation written across your face. He wants to make you beg, but the way you look at him and the fact he haven’t tasted you for so long makes him dip his head between your legs. He licks the long stripe against your slit, moaning as the taste of you fills his taste buds. “You still taste amazing.” You moan loudly when he starts to flick his tongue against your clit in rapid speed, causing you to grab his hair. He’s going too fast making you see stars. You won’t last for much longer if he keeps doing it, that’s why you pull his hair slightly. He moans into your heat, the flicking of his tongue and vibration causing you to clench around nothing. But it doesn’t end with that when he inserts his two long fingers in one go without any problem, straight brushing against your g-spot. “Yoongi!” You whine as he continues to fuck his fingers into you. And just like that, you cum on his tongue. Your thighs shake but thankfully Yoongi holds a strong hold of them. He strokes your thigh in praise before pulling away. He licks your cum off his lips smirking down at you.

“So fucking needy for me,” He tells you sitting on his knees. He takes off his boxer briefs carelessly throwing them onto the floor. You watch him as he strokes his cock couple of times and you can’t help yourself with watching him. His thumb slides over his tip couple of times and you clench around nothing at the sight. “You still want more?” He asks mockingly, eyes glued to your cunt as he watches your wet slit. You whine as he cups his balls massaging them causing him to twitch in his hand. “Well aren’t you a slut?” He lets out a bitter laugh before he’s coming closer to you. He parts your legs before he collects some of your wetness with the tip of his cock.

You breathe out already thinking about how he’ll stretch you out perfectly. “Do we need condom?” He asks completely fucked out, his eyes red. He looks like the old Yoongi you knew. “No, I’m on the pills and clean.” You answer him but suddenly yelp when he’s already pushing himself into you.

“Fuck, I missed this cunt so fucking much,” He moans out as he pulls out just for him to thrust back in. This time he does it more roughly when he moves so freely inside of you, thanks to your wetness. Your body jerks up from his rough moves, thankfully there’s a bunch of pillows behind your head. “You’re my little slut, aren’t you?” He moans out as he starts fucking you rapidly. You clasp your thighs against his hips bringing him even closer, his thrusts becoming even more deeper.

“Yeah, I am,” You moan out, nodding at him while you’re biting your lip. “Only for you.” You add making him groan as he kisses you hard.

He rolls his hips skillfully into you, your vision becoming blurry as you clench around him. “Such a tight cunt.” He growls and you whine at his dirty talk. No matter how many guys you tried to have sex with, none of them made you feel like Yoongi. “Fuck, are you going to cum?” He asks you, hands gripping the sheets beside the each side of your head. He fucks into you with animalistic speed and that’s when the knot in your stomach unties. You’re cumming around him while he keeps fucking into you.

Your hands push his chest slightly when you become too sensitive, he pulls out his cock still hard and tall. God, this guy has stamina. You close your eyes for a moment trying to calm down your breathing, still enjoying the euphoric feeling from your second orgasm. “What are you waiting for? On your hands and knees.” He demands causing you to snap your eyes open.

“I can’t, I’m too sensitive.” You tell him making him bitterly laugh. “Don’t you remember? We used to go whole night like this.” He tells you, turning you around with one swift movement with his hands. You’re laying on your stomach as he pulls your ass in the air. You look over your shoulder just to feel a stinging pain on your right ass cheek. He spanks you one more time on the other one, causing you to groan into the pillows.

“Tell me, my little slut. Has anyone touched you for the past year?” He asks and your stomach clench at his feeling. You’re taking too long with your answer causing him to spank you one more time. “I asked you something.” He growls into your ear.

“Y—Yeah.” You answer, not having the guts to turn around to see his look. His eyes darkens at your answer but deep down he knew you’d try to move on from him. Let’s not forget Hoseok informed him about you briefly, not forgetting to mention you’ve had couple of one night stands — but nothing too serious. At least that put some ease onto Yoongi’s mind even though he wanted you to move on. But selfishly enough he didn’t want to at the same time. He wanted you to be happy, to be with someone who wouldn’t ruin you the way he did. But the thought of you falling in love with someone else, giving him all of you made him feel uncomfortable.

“What a slut,” He growls into your ear, slapping your ass once again. Your ass stings but with your twisted mind, you moan out loud when he does that. “Already horny for me again.” He comments when he sees you clench.

“Yoongi.” You moan when his thumb touches your wet hole, giving it a circle stroke. He chuckles darkly before he’s pushing back into you. Your eyes rolls back when your walls stretches again, welcoming him with your sleek walls. He doesn’t waste time, slamming into you roughly while his thighs slaps against your ass. “Fuck!” You scream when he finds that one spot that makes you shake under his touch. He’s pulling you up, standing on your knees as his hands wraps around your throat. Fuck. He’s devil.

“My beautiful slut,” He purrs into your ear, his hand tightening around your neck. Your oxygen is getting cut off slightly, but you can still breathe. His rough movements making you whimper under his touch. “Are you going to cum for me again?” He asks, one hand wrapped around your neck as he spanks you with his other one while fucking into you. “Yes, yes. Fuck, Yoongi.” You’re moaning desperately when he clutches your neck even tighter feeling his moves getting sloppy. He’s close. It’s enough for you to come third time this night, your core already too sensitive from the constant orgasm. You’re clenching around him, your orgasm even more intensive when you feel his cum spilling into you. He fucks into you couple of times before he pulls out, hands freeing your neck. Your backs hitting the soft mattres in full ecstasy that even weed can’t do.

You’re laying there — the both of you staring at the ceiling. You open your mouth to say something but you quickly shut it when Yoongi sits up. He smirks at you before he spreads your legs open. He places himself between them, licking off his cum with long stride with his tongue. You flinch from his tongue when you feel the ache between your legs, your clit swollen from sensivity. “Do you think you can handle another one?” He asks lowly, his dark eyes settled on you.

“Another what?” You mumble, feeling so fucked out like you haven’t feel in a long time. Your heart is ready to jump from your chest at this point. “Orgasm, of course.” He chuckles. Your mind processes his words before you shake your head.

“N—no, I don’t think I can.” You try to tell him but it’s no use when he snorts, dipping his head down to your slit. He starts slowly licking your clit causing you to whimper. He holds your thighs tightly in his hands when he feels you clasping them around his head. “I know that you can. Come on, angel. I know my angel is still there.” He tells you causing you to moan when it starts to feel awfully good. The overstimulation is making you even more sensitive and you know it’ll take only few licks for you to cum again. And he knows it too. That’s why he starts fastening his speed leaving you looking like mess.

“Yoongi, I will cum.” You inform him bucking your hips to his lips. “No, you’re not.” He tells you sternly but you’re too deep in this euphoric feeling to even properly register his words.

“You’ll cum when I tell you.” He speaks causing you to open your eyes in shock. He’s looking at you through his lashes while he’s licking you, his tongue doing wonders. “Please.” You beg him feeling yourself squirm in your place. You’re close.

“Mhm, not enough.” He mumbles against your core. “Yoongi, please. Let me cum. Please I want to cum on your mouth.” The desperation talks from you but you’re not even ashamed.

“Cum, angel.” He tells you and that’s when you cum around his tongue. Again. He’s licking your cum from you before you push his head away. “Sorry.” He apologizes with cheeky grin before he lays down beside you.

“I can’t believe you got me high.” He speaks after a moment you both just lay beside each other. “I can’t believe we just had sex.” You reply causing him to chuckle.

“Yeah, me neither.” He mumbles. “I think we should go.” He stands up starting to dress up. You sit up but ending wincing when the ache between your legs is prominent.

“Too sore?” He asks while coming up to you helping you to stand up. You nod trying to find your panties. “Looking for this?” He asks with grin causing you to roll your eyes. “Let me help.” He crouches down, putting your panties on. At this point, he helps you to dress up your whole outfit.

“I’ll drive you home.” He informs you when you’re walking down the stairs, not noticing Hoseok’s eyes on the both of you.

Three days without seeing Yoongi and you’re becoming crazy. Ever since he dropped you home — before the both of you had sex — you haven’t talked with him ever since. You don’t have his phone number and you weren’t searching for it. You knew all it’d take is for you to call Hoseok and he’d tell you. Maybe you’d have to do a little begging but you know better. Taehyung texted you wanting to hangout but you declined him. Not in the mood to show up outside of your small flat in case you’d see anyone you know. Of course, he became worried asking if something is wrong. You had to tell you you’re just exhausted and want to spend some time alone. You feel bad for rejecting him like that but maybe some time alone would help you.

A knock tears you away from your constant thoughts. When you open the door, the last thing you expect to see is him.

Yoongi is staying in front of your door with his sweet smile. “Can we talk?” He asks. The last time he asked you that you both ended up having a rough sex. You’re still kind of sore from it, the twisted and only memory you have from that night. But that doesn’t stop you to invite him in.

“I wanted to talk about... us having sex.” He starts making you suck in breath from his honestly and straightforwardness. “Okay.” You almost whisper, listening to him carefully. Maybe it was mistake, maybe it wasn’t. You don’t regret it, although you feel bad when you remembered he has an actual girlfriend.

“I... lost control over my actions and I never thought I’d... you know.” He tries to explain and to be honest, you know what he means. “Are you regretting it?” You ask him right away.

He looks into your eyes, searching your face for a moment. You look better than the last time he saw you. Your eyes aren’t red and even though your face is makeup free this time, your skin is having your usual skin color. You look healthy. You look beautiful. “No.” He tells you honestly and without realizing a huge relief washes over you. “I don’t either,” You admit. “Even though we both were high. And I want to apologize for forcing you into smoking weed. I know you stopped and it was such an asshole move for me to do. I was high, I wish I was completely sober.” You tell him honestly.

And to your surprise, he smiles at you. You’re shocked for a second, which he sees by the way your brows raise quickly before you’re frowning. “I wouldn’t do that, if I didn’t want to. I mean, in other situations I wouldn’t smoke weed. But I think I kind of wanted to do that so I’d feel like nothing changed. Like it’d be like an old times, you know?” He scoffs at himself. “I sound stupid, don’t I?”

“No, you don’t.” You tell him. You can practically feel regret coming from him. He feels awful for breaking your heart and for the first time, you can see how much sorry he is. “I told Yuna that we had sex,” He speaks causing your head and eyes to snap at his direction. Have you heard him right? “I had to tell her. I couldn’t look into her eyes and act like it didn’t happen. I broke up with her,” He informs you. A sudden hope is growing in your heart and you really want to stop it, but you can’t help yourself. “She still wanted to stay with me after I told her. Do you get it? Because I don’t. I cheated on her and she still wants me.” He scoffs, angry at himself. He’s not looking at you but you can see his dark eyes staring at his pale fingers. He fumbles with them nervously, gulping trying to stop a sob which is about to escape. And that’s when it hits you. He still loves her. She’s the one who he loves. It’s not you. He didn’t come here to confess to you. To be honest, you’re not sure why he came in the first place. You’re trying to control your heart breaking once again. The man whom you still love sits right beside you, almost crying for another woman while you’re still deeply in love with. “I don’t deserve her, just like I didn’t deserve you.” He admits causing you to bite into your lip harshly. What is he doing to you?

“You love her,” You speak, his eyes gazing at you like a lost puppy. “I’m sorry.” He apologizes and you chuckle, although the amusement doesn’t reach your eyes. “Why are you apologizing? It’s just.. why are you here then?” You can’t help but ask as he sighs.

“I don’t know, honestly. I wish I knew. Something is pulling me to you, wanting to explain everything to you. I think you deserve it.” He tries to explain, although you’re not sure if you completely understand him. You don’t say anything back, processing his words. He’s confusing you even more.

He stands up this time his eyes not backing from your lips. “I really hope you’ll find someone who’ll love you better than I could. You deserve that someone,” He tells you, your eyes watering immediately. Fuck. “Can you promise me something?” He asks with hopeful eyes causing you to nod. “Stop smoking weed.” He tells you with chuckle causing you to laugh through your tears.

“Okay,” You almost whisper. You know it’s time to change your lifestyle even if it means there won’t be no Yoongi in it. “Are you leaving again?” He knows you’re not asking if he’s leaving right now. You’re asking if he’s going to move out and you won’t have no idea where he is. But maybe it would be for better.

“No. Someone needs to watch over you,” He jokes causing you to chuckle. “I don’t want to escape. I want to be here and whatever needs to happen it’ll happen.” He tells you. You cock your head at him confusingly not quite sure what exactly he meant. Before you could ask he waves giving you his famous gummy smile, making your heart jump in the weirdest way.

“I’ll see you soon, Y/N.”

[yanderefriendsim]

Rules / Intro

Welcome to my yandere writing blog! I mostly stick with writing about yandere homestuck / Hiveswap. But I'm not apposed to writing for other particular fandoms. As for my quick intro. Heya, I'm Mod Cirava! but you can call me whatever tickles your fancy. I'm 19 y/o and Agender - Any pronouns work because I'm not bothered nor intrigued by any! I'm an animation major so sometimes so imagines/headcannons may get slow, In which: I apologize. I'm super in drawing, Videogames, The horror genre and I'm a MAJOR zombie nerd. Any suggestions for any sort of thing like these? Hit me up. Seriously, I'm always looking for new content. I'm also open for a chat anytime, Don't hesitate to ask questions cause I'm super dumb and probably forgot something in this.

If your interested in more ideal and healthier romance, You may have to wait. I plan on having a blog up and running for that ( and a multitude of other fandoms ) but considering I’m running this. Either way, I’ll update this part when it’s up!! Rules are under the cut! 

PLEASE NOTE: No. You should not consider being in anything considered a " Yandere " Relationship healthy. It's extremely unhealthy and toxic. You, As a person, Deserve better than someone who obsess over you and . I will try to put a reminder in all my posts concerning this. If you are in what could be considered a " Yandere " Relationship OR have someone you suspect is acting similar to this: Please alert someone, If not the authorities if you have the right evidence. The relationships I write about here are not ideal and I would like to confirm that right of the bat. I write this for my own enjoyment, Escapism and Coping. Please be safe and remember you are loved.

Now that I have that out the way, We can move onto rules n' shit!

RULES:

Keeping this blog 15+. Just due to the themes and shit shown here. This is just a precaution so please, If you ARE under 15. Please avoid this blog due to the mature themes. Depending on things I may change this in future ( to a higher age lol, I’m considering upping it to 18+ but not entirely sure yet. I will if I start writing 18+ ) so keep an eye out for that. If I see your UNDER the age, I will block you.

I’m currently unsure whether I’ll be writing NSFW here, so you can leave a request until I decide. HOWEVER: No matter what I refuse to do anything involving non-con / dub-con. 

I write angst and serious topics. I will again provide a warning as well as the appropriate links to helplines and such.

I don't just write! My ask box is not only always open for a quick chat, But venting too! If you ask for advice I'm happy to provide! I'm also an avid selfshipper,,, so uh,,,, Gushing about f/os? Hit me up gamers ';)

Definetly gonna post memes / edits here too probably. Cause that's just how I roll.

Characters I don't write for:

Joey Claire

Jude Harley 

Tirona Kasund 

Wanshi Adyata 

Karako Pierot 

The Soliel Twins 

All these guys are like, basically 5 or some shit. I won’t be doing anything for them because they are 5 and I find it super weird. I can involve them in stories, However they won’t be involved in any yandere ways. I was thinking I could do platonic shit with them but it still weirds me out, So no you won’t see anything about these babies here.

For nowww, I think that's it. Any questions can be put through the ask box! I hope you enjoy it future content and your time here!

Remember to take your meds, Drink and eat plenty, Take breaks and do what makes you happy!

~ Mod Cirava 💛

[firelord-frowny]

obligatory disclaimer that this post is ENTIRELY based on my own perceptions of my own experiences, and may or may not be true to a broader degree. 

anyway, Weight Stuff under the cut. also LMFAO this post is long as SHIT lmfaoooo and it doesn’t even end with the topic i meant for it to be about. 

Sooooo, i’ve always very loudly been on Team Mind-Your-Business-About-Other-People’s-Bodies, and i still am, and i am ALWAYS down to (usually gently) call out someone who’s overstepping their boundaries as far as other people’s bodies and lifestyles go, blah blah, and i am KEEEENLY aware of the damage people cause with fatphobia, and that rhetoric surrounding ~diet and exercise~ is almost ALWAYS malicious in terms of hyperfocusing on “ugly fat” and shaming people into feeling horrible enough about theirselves that they pay out the ass for Quick Fixes, and there’s almost 0 focus on The Actual Health Benefits of a healthy lifestyle other than just Maybe Being Slimmer. 

But alsoooooooooooooooooooooo???

i’ve always felt like, because of all that shit, it’s so difficult for me to feel comfortable talking about my own body and my own habits and my own shortcomings and my own goals. like, i DO feel bothered by the weight I’ve gained recently. NOT because it makes me feel ugly - i don’t feel ugly at all. i literally almost always feel beautiful lmao. NOT because i’m worried about how other people see me - i don’t have relationships with people who would give someone a hard time about their weight in the first place, and beyond that, i’m generally unconcerned with what people think of my appearance. 

the thing that bothers me is that i KNOW my weight gain has been the result of unhealthy lifestyle choices. i’ve always eaten more junkfood than anyone i know, and i’ve always tended to eat VERY few healthy things. so like... that’s bad enough for my health. but i ALSO don’t get much physical activity. and then covid hits and my job is snatched out from under me and i spend most of every day in the same 100 square feet. so like... OF COURSE i gained weight. lots of people did! people gain weight all the time for lots of reasons and nobody should feel bad or guilty about it. 

but for me, even though i don’t see my weight gain as cause to lament about my appearance, i DO see it as an indicator that i’m not taking very good care of myself. i mean, if i’m thinner with a shitty diet, then my thinness kind of allows me to ignore my bad choices because there’s no ~visual~ reminder. i know that’s prolly fucked up, but that’s what’s happening in my head. when i’m thinner, i don’t have to acknowledge that there are going to be consequences for my choices. 

but to SEE my body change as a direct result of crappy diet and no exericse??? it’s really made me see how urgent it is that i start treating myself better RIGHT the fuck now. i mean, i am Young, but i won’t be young forever, and the longer i keep eating garbage and sitting around all day, the sooner i can expect to start having real health issues. and like, heart problems run in my family (as they do in MANY black families). i already have pcos, and that puts me at a higher risk for stuff like that. 

so, it’s been scary to have to face the reality that i’m setting myself up for disaster. 

and i figured that CLEARLY i’ve been unable to get myself on track For Free, so i finally caved and signed up for noom, and i’m down almost 10 pounds already.

and i get on the scale and weigh myself and i feel proud! i feel happy! i feel capable! i feel like i’ve proven to myself that i CAN make better choices. i’m NOT weak-willed. i’m NOT incapable of taking care of myself. 

But then I feel like i shouldn’t say that out loud, or i shouldn’t tell people how glad i am to see the natural result of my healthier choices. 

i’m not glad because i look different - i’m glad because my different look is a sign that i’m succeeding in taking control of my lifestyle. my different look is visual evidence that i’m eating more fruit and whole grains and drinking more water and i’m eating less sugary foods and less meats, and i’m eating healthier portions, and i’m not snacking all day. i can SEE the proof that i’m making choices that are going to give me a better chance at staying healthy throughout my life. 

i’m KINDA exaggerating in that i don’t actually think i LOOK different just yet lmao i feel like i look more or less the same. but i definitely do FEEL some subltle differences. i mean maybe it’s a placebo effect, but i think my forearms are slightly narrower and my bewbs are a bit less... cumbersome lmao. (i SWEAR like half of the weight i’ve gained has been in my boobs alone omfg). 

but idk, i guess what i’m trying to express is that i just... don’t feel comfortable sharing how glad i am about my progress bc most of my social circles are comprised of people who are rightly critical of the way people talk and think about weight loss. i knooooow that most reasonable folks, if i give the Full Explanation about how my gladness is due to the fact that i can see that my lifestyle is changing for the better, would understand and would be happy for me. 

but uhhhh lmao some people Aren’t Reasonable and are committed to having a negative reaction to any statement that seems to exalt thinness in any context at all whatsoever. 

and i KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW that a person’s weight is not an automatic indicator of their health, and you can’t assume that a person has Become Healthier just because they’ve lost weight, and you can’t assume that a person has become unhealthier just because they’ve gained it. there are all kinds of reasons for people being whatever size they are, and we can’t make those kinds of judgments about people’s size bc obviously we don’t know their life! we don’t know if they eat veggies and go jogging! we don’t know if a thin person has a cinnabon for breakfast every day or if a fat person is a professional dancer. so like. it’s stoopit to assume anything at all about a person’s health/lifestyle just based on their size. 

BUUUUUUUUUUT!!!! an individual person can make those judgements about their own size and their own health. like, people know why they’re the size that they are, whether it’s genetics or lifestyle or health related. one person who’s super thin knows it’s because they have a fast metabolism. another person who’s thin knows it’s because they starve theirself. another person who’s thin knows it’s because they intentionally make choices that would result in their size. and the same goes for big people! they know if they eat too much junk food, or if they’re just genetically ~meant~ to be their size, blah blah blah. 

so when a person talks about their own weight and how it relates to their own health and their own lifestyle, i feel like it’s Inappropriate to lecture them about how ~it’s okay to be fat, you don’t need to lose weight~ blah blah. bc like... DUH, it’s okay to be fat. whether it’s because of lifestyle or genes, it’s still okay. it’s allowed. and people should be free to feel beautiful and see theirselves as UNCONDITIONALLY valuable and intrinsically worthy of the space they occupy in the universe. If a person actually disparages theirself because of their weight, then sure, you’re probably welcome to tell that person that their size, no matter the reason for it, has no bearing on their worth and that they have the right to feel good about who they are and how they look. 

but if someone says, “you know, it’s really time that i finally started eating right and exercising so i can be healthier and lose weight,” thennnn... i feel like the only appropriate response is to cheer them on and tell them to go for it! if someone knows that their weight is the result of unhealthy habits, and they express a desire to change that, there’s no need to try to tell them that they don’t need to try to change it omfg. 

like... literally everyone needs to eat well and exercise in order to give theirself their best chance at staying in good health. thin people need to eat well and exercise. fat people need to eat well and exercise. they only people who DON’T need to eat well and exercise would be people who are actually physically incapable of rigorous movement or people who are, idk, allergic to most ~healthy~ foods. 

So if someone who’s been eating junk and sitting around tells you that they want to start eating well and exercising... that’s a GOOD THING. 100% of the time. it’s ridiculous to respond to that with a lecture about ~all sizes are beautiful~ and ~you can do whatever you want, you don’t have to Fit The Mold~ like omfg THAT’S NOT THE POOOOOIIIINNNTTTT!!! 

basically, i feel like in the midst of rightly defending fat people’s right to exist as they are, some of the Discourse has inadvertently careened into the absurd territory of actually DISCOURAGING people from making HEALTHY lifestyle changes that would result in weight loss. 

as i’m typing this, it also occurs to me that there seems to be an assumption that anyone who intends to lose weight is planning to do it via extreme but temporary methods like restrictive diets and unsustainably vigorous exercise. 

i feel like some people need to acknowledge that there’s a difference between “i’m only going to eat one meal a day and exercise for 4 hours a day so i can lose 30 pounds before my wedding day,” and “i’m going to lose my excess weight by transitioning to a healthier lifestyle.” the former describes an unhealthy and unsustainable attempt to starve and overwork yourself to lose x amount of pounds that you’re inevitably gonna regain after you go back to your normal habits, and it’s exclusively focused on appearance. like, it CAN’T be about health, because those methods are unhealthy! you don’t get healthy by doing unhealthy things! 

the latter describes a legitimately healthy way of life that can and SHOULD be sustained for a person’s whole life if ptll ossible. there’s no need to try to force your body into a different shape in a short amount of time when you could instead just allow your size to adjust slowly to a permanent and positive lifestyle change. 

but it seems like there’s a knee-jerk reaction to condemn weight loss in any context altogether. 

i under staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand why people might have that attitude and i’m not mad about it. i GET why some people might be hypervigilant about condemning any belief that suggests that being fat is something that a person should be unhappy about, and i don’t want people to stop doing that. 

but i doooooooooooooooooo think that perhaps it’s time that people begin learning to trust other people’s analyses of their own bodies and their own choices and their own goals, and learn to tell when a person’s weight loss is motivated by genuine health reasons, or by social pressure/shame/embarrassment. not everyone who wants to lose weight hates their body. not everyone who wants to lose weight has low self esteem. people can feel fabulous and gorgeous in their current body, and still want to make choices to change it via improving their health.

and like! some people genuinely just don’t WANT to lose weight that they know they’ve gained from unhealthy habits. some people are totally fine with living their life the way they like to live it, and prioritizing their enjoyment of their lifestyle over efferts to prevent future health issues. and that’s their right! and nobody should say shit about it! mind ya business! 

i kinda compare it to like... cave divers, or daredevils, or mountaineers. those are all HELLA dangerous activities that kill or seriously injure a LOT of people. and the people who engage in those activities KNOW this. they KNOW that they’re at a significantly higher risk of premature death compared to people who DON’T do those things, and they know that they could increase the odds of living a log time by Not Doing Those Things. 

but they do it anyway! because they want to! because they think it’s fun! because the enjoyment of the activity is, for them, worth the risk of harm. they’re living a lifestyle that could kill them, but nobody says shit about it. nobody shames them for it. they just accept that people have the right to be cray cray if that’s what they want to do. people might think daredevils are stupid, but they’re not trying to bully them into quitting. 

so if somebody wants to eat a diet comprised of nothing but eating cinnabons 3 times a day every day their whole life, that’s their right! mind ya damn business! if somebody hates exercise enough that they’re okay with the possibility of health problems down the line, then fine! it would be fair to worry about that person and to wish that they’d make differen choices, in the same way that it would be fine for someone to worry about their dearedevil friend and wish that they weren’t a daredevil. but it’s still not grounds to be a dickhead to them. 

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Broken Wing Job

leverage 5.08

thE MONKEY IN THE BOX

- - - - -

I love how casually she sets up her rigging in headquarters

- - - - -

Hardison: Yeah, basically not true. Look, babe, six weeks of bed rest. Doctor’s orders. Not optional. And don’t forget to take your pain pills, okay?

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker: They make everything go wibbly-wobbly. (grabs a bottle of orange pop and opens it)

Hardison: Yeah, that’s how you know they’re working.

Parker: But I got to be sharp... on the edge. It’s where I got to be. Can’t have nothing in my life I can’t walk away from in 30 seconds if I feel the heat coming around the corner.

[Equipment Closet]

Hardison: Parker, look, I know that you’re... Wait, hold up, babe, did you just quote “Heat”?

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker (chuckling): Yeah, that’s where that’s from. Ha, watched your Netflix queue... Twice.

[Equipment Closet]

Parker: Think I’m going stir-crazy.

Hardison: You think?

wow, this ep already hits different during quarantine

- - - - -

Hardison: Babe, love, kisses, snuggles.

[Equipment Closet]

Hardison: Other romantic verbs. Take your pills, be nice to Amy. Look, we’ll be fine without you. (blows on equipment)

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker: Yeah. That’s what I’m afraid of

NOOOOOO EVERYONE LOVES YOU AND WANTS YOU AROUND YOURE BABY

- - - - -

the montage of parker going crazy in the chair HITS SO CLOSE TO HOME IN CORONA SEASON

- - - - -

also parker drinks orange soda when she’s sick ,,, im soft

she probably should be drinking something healthier, though

I’m sure somewhere in the distance eliot’s Stupidity Senses™ are tingling and he’s internally screaming at her for not being healthier

- - - - -

Parker looks at her pill bottle, then at the bear. She begins changing the channel, then offers the remote to the bear)

Parker: Oh, what? You want to choose? Okay, fine. But no “B.J. and the Bear” And no reality dating shows... Except “Beauty and the Geek.” I like that one. Oh, what? You’re gonna sulk now? Okay, fine. I’m just gonna keep choosing, then

I love learning little things about parker, like how she likes beauty and the geek (it probably reminds her of her and hardison)

- - - - -

Parker: Hey, you know, these are really good. No, I’m serious. These are really good. Trust me, I’ve seen some of the best.

Amy: Thanks. I wish you could tell my father that, though.

Parker: Well, has he seen these?

Amy: No. He has never seen any of my artwork. Doesn’t stop him from having an opinion about art school, though.

Parker: What, he’s not a fan?

Amy: Not of any degree that doesn’t have an “m,” a “b,” or an “a” in it. He wants me to take over the family business.

Parker: And what is the family business?

Amy: What isn’t the family business?

okay, y’all, I get it now

I get why everyone loves amy now

it’s because she’s a cinnamon roll with a heart of gold and I too am now in love with her

ALSO parker has come far and she cares about people and compliments people she’s baby

- - - - -

Parker: Who are you guys? (thinks, writes ‘thieves’ on the board) You guys picked the wrong brew pub.

this SCREAMS home alone energy

- - - - -

(Eliot sits meditating with his eyes closed when his phone rings)

Eliot: Parker.

Parker: Hey, what are you doing?

Eliot: I’m waiting. How’s the knee?

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker: Ah, driving me to crazy town. Pretty much like it’s on cruise control, cruising me through crazy town. And you know what? Let’s face it. I have way too much to do. This knee—I need to be on a bullet train through crazy town. I don’t have time to stop for gas, go to the museum.

[Tokyo]

Eliot: Parker, breathe. Identify your limitations. Turn them to advantages.

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker: Okay, good. How do I do that?

[Tokyo]

Eliot: Adapt. I got to go

eliot will ALWAYS pick up for parker, even when he’s about to be attacked by a samurai

- - - - -

the air vents are SO HUGE and I don’t doubt for a minute it’s for parker

- - - - -

Amy: Okay, you want me to what, now?

Parker (hopping around the bench): Those guys are gonna rob this store, right? Which is fine. I don’t mind robbers who aren’t robbing me or my friends or kids or... But they brought a gun to the party, and that changes all the rules.

NOT IN HER HOUSE

plus no guns in their house anyways because Eliot Does Not Like Them and the team accommodates him for that

- - - - -

Parker: Because that’s what you do. I’ve seen your résumé. Volunteer work, charity efforts. Of all the people who work here, do you think Hardison really picked you at random? No. He knew you were one of us.

Amy: Okay, “one of us”? What does that mean, “one of us”?

Parker: People who have to help.

Amy (sighs and holds out her hand)

it’s officially canon that hardison handpicks the BEST people to hire and I love it

- - - - -

I love how they showed how parker was noticing things about the getaway van by taking notes on screen

- - - - -

Parker: Oh. I’m fine. (shrugs off her help) I got it, I got it, I got it. I got it. I’m fine. (nearly falls) Ugh!

Amy: Oh! Okay, tell me.

Parker: Tell you what?

Amy: You know what to do, and I know how to walk. No offense. So let me be your legs.

Parker: It could get scary in there.

Amy: I get it.

Parker: Okay. (hops back to the counter)

I WOULD DIE FOR AMY

+ this is so important how parker is caring about amy and wants her to make sure she knows what she’s getting into

- - - - -

Amy: Right, I’ll just tell them we’re short on servers. We do it all the time when we don’t feel like working. (catches herself) And you’re dating the boss.

Parker: You guys think of him as the boss?

Amy: Well, yeah, because that’s what he is.

Parker: Yeah, guess so. Is he a good boss? Do you—you guys like him?

Amy: What, are you kidding? He’s awesome. But don’t take this the wrong way. He is way too smart for this place.

Parker: I agree. He’s the smartest man I’ve ever met, and I’ve known some very smart men.

Amy: And I asked you about a brother, right?

Parker: Twice

my aesthetic is people in love with hardison (parker and eliot) telling people how hardison is the smartest person they’ve ever known

- - - - -

Parker: Hey. Hey, wait.

(V and K turn to look at Parker, who walks up to V)

V: What?

Parker: I’m gloating.

(Police take the two men away)

SHE H A D TO DO THE GLOAT™

- - - - -

Parker (lifts a glass to toast): To new friends, new food, and no fish.

James: No fish.

Amy: No fish.

(they drink)

Parker: Mmm. Start with Eliot’s chili. It’s the best

parker IMMEDIATELY recommends eliot’s food bc she loves him and supports his passion

- - - - -

PARKER AND AMY SITTING IN THE DARK WATCHING SCARY MOVIES EATING POPCORN IS E V E R Y T H I N G

- - - - -

Nate (eyes the bullet holes in the walls): How were things here?

Parker: Fine. Same. Boring. Like Japan.

Hardison: You know, I don’t believe you. (points at Amy) And, you, you’re a part of this. See this—all this? It’s not just any zombie movie. This the original zombie movie. Babe, it’s on Blu-ray. How is it possible to be bored? You know what we’re gonna do? We’re watching this from the beginning, because, obviously, you’re doing something wrong.

Eliot: I’m in.

Sophie: Sure. Why not?

Nate: Maybe a little more popcorn?

Amy: I’ll get some.

Nate (softly to Parker): Nice job while we were away.

(Parker smiles)

the whole team joining in to watch the movie with parker AND amy!!!

also, nate whispering good job to parker after an entire episode of establishing her as a mastermind? *chef’s kiss* iconique

[christineeej94]

Extremely❤Part three

a/n:tell me if you want to make other parts to ‘Extremely’. I hope you gonna love it. I cry so much writing this part. Kisses🌻

Warnings: bad language.

Word count: 1.960

“My dear, Arón Julio Manuel Piper Barbero aka my love of my life

  I´m writing this to you with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. It´s like a love letter, don´t get it like a break up note, please. I let you in the envelop the first reason I left and that´s our baby. Yes, it´s sound unimaginable, me and you having a kid at this young age. I don´t want to give up on this pregnancy and kept the baby, I am sure that you will be happy when you gonna read this. I left you because you weren’t no more in my life and it still hurts so bad. I lost my nights thinking when you were, if you are safe or if you ate something. I’ve seen signs that you came home but I couldn’t feel your warm body next to mine. Your bed side was cold and empty like my soul in this moment. I don’t know what cause this breaking in our relationship but sometimes we shouldn’t think at those things. I going to raise our child by myself and when I’m going to be ready maybe I’m going to presented to his father.

 I love you more and I hate you more,

 (Y/N) aka your love of your life” 

  I memorated my letter to him and I repeat it in my mind every morning. His memories don’t let me sleep at all and I still can feel his touches. It’s a month from that moment when I let everything behind me and I left. My soul broke in millions of pieces and I can’t repair it until I found my happiness again.

   I’m living in a village by the ocean, near to Valencia and I like it here and it gives me quietness. My bump grows a little and it’s barely noticeable. I’m starting wear large clothes and eating healthier. Today I’m going to buy something for my little apartment and usually I do my shopping at the local market. I love to go there and talk with merchants and some people I met when I moved here. About a week ago I met a lovely couple, of age with my parents, and weirdly they look kinda familiar. I waved to the curly head lady and I went closer to her. Today she is alone and she already done her groceries.

“Hello, what a beautiful day.” She greets me and I salute her back. “And the little one grows day by day.” Her hands rub my little belly and I giggle. She has a gentle touch and she reminds me of Arón. “Yeah, she is growing fast.” I said melancholic. “She? You think it’s a girl?” the lady said and we are going together to a handmade store. “I feel it. I feel that the baby inside me is a girl. A little baby girl Piper.” I said sadly and the woman next to me stairs at my face for a second. “You didn’t tell me why you come here alone. What happened?”

I smiled softly. ”My boyfriend forgot about me and he starting to spend his night out too much. He sporadically came home at a decent hour. I didn’t feel his love that much.” I explain and the woman approve smiling sad. “Maybe in the future you are going to forgive him.” Her voice is soft and calm.

 I looked at her and a lot of memories come in my mind. Our first kiss, when we first slept together, when I met him on that yacht. And I realized how much I still love him. “I already forgot him. Because I love him, but that’s doesn’t mean that I’m going back to him. He needs to learn his lesson and if he cheated on me, I’m not coming back at all.” I replied and a tear fall on my cheek. “Don’t cry, hermosa, everything is going to be okay.” She hugged me and I hugged her tight. I miss him so much and my soul hurts so bad because I want to jump in the first train to Madrid and go back to him. I want to squeeze him in my arms and I want to tell him that I LOVE HIM. “Saturday come to our house and let’s have lunch together. What do you think?” “Sure, I’ll be there.” I hugged her again and I continue to shop what I need.

After the shopping, I got home save but very tired. This pregnancy is already giving me tiredness and I’m feeling very weak. I open my phone and I called Ester. She is the only person who I keep in touch. Besides my parents who don’t know about my baby. I appeal her and after the third tone she answered. 

“Hey, chica, what my niece is doing?” I laugh. Ester thinks that my baby is a girl too. “She alright, got me tired” I said and I heard a load noise from Ester. “Arón, don´t… .” Ester screams and my heart stops. I heard a thud and another scream. It’s him. “Boys, hold him. (Y/N), I’m on set and he got crazy every time my phone rings. I didn’t tell him where you go. Now I need to go, love ya.” She ends the call and I fell on the floor crying. He doesn’t forget me or he’s just frustrated because I left without an explanation. I put myself in bed and I listen the waves breaking of the shore.

 I couldn’t sleep last night and every night from that call. Maybe I shouldn’t have left and I should have stayed with him. I run like a loser and now I regret my decision. Fuck no, he left me in the first place.

I get up tired and run to bathroom for my morning routine to throw up everything I ate a night before. My morning sickness is bad day by day but I control it with some lime water. I horrible to be alone, mostly in this period but I manage myself. Today it’s Saturday and I don’t want to go anywhere but I promise to this lovely lady. I open the dressing and I found my yellow dress which I wore it when I go on my first date with Arón. It was at coffee shop in the downtown aria, he picked me up from my home and when he left me back at my place, we had the sweetest kiss in the universe.  

I put on the dress and it´s mold around my belly, accentuated the little bump. I wear a light makeup and I put on some flip-flops and I take the tart a baked last night. It’s the only sweet thing that I can make, besides pancakes. Actually, is Arón’s favorite and I thought that it will be nice to bring something. At noon the streets are empty, you can barely see a dog or a cat crossing the road. I like here, it’s peaceful and I love to smell the salty air every time I open the window or I’m walking down the street. The house where the curly hair lady is living with her husband it’s so beautiful, they are having a huge garden with flowers and trees. The house is in a very old fashion Spanish style, painted in a light blue. First, I was greeted by two fluffy dogs who started to bark at me. They stop when the lady got out from the house and smiled at me.

 “(Y/N), I didn’t think you are coming or not, come on, the lunch is ready.” I entered in the house and a strong cologne hit my senses. Smells exactly like Arón and I need to stay a little get my shit together. “I bring a lemon meringue tart.” I handed her the box with the tart and she smiled friendly, pointed me the table. I found her husband there and he hugged me.

“You look good, please sit down.” He encouraged me to sit down and I observe that on the table are 4 plates, not three. “Sorry, it’s someone else is coming?” He smiled softly and drinks some water from his glass. “My son, he didn’t announce us sooner that he’s coming to visit us.” “It’s alright, I can leave if I’m furthermore.” I said and he stopped me. “No, you are welcome here like he is. Honey, bring the food, I’m sure our guest is hungry.” He gets up and go probably to the kitchen.

“(Y/N)” I heard my name called and my blood freeze in my veins. I turn around I can’t believe what I’m seeing. My body is blocked on the chair and I can’t move or speak. He is here. In flesh. “Baby, I’m sorry for my behavior. I’m sorry that I wasn’t beside you when you need me.” Arón looks at my bump and smiles. “Our baby is growing.” I get up ready to run, but why. I love him and he is here, giving me an explanation. “What are you doing here? How you found me?” I mumbled, ready to cry my ass off. “The couple from the other room are my parents. When my mom called me and told me that she met you I was in shock.” I am too. I figured out why they were familiar to me. “I was ready to leave everything and come here, but she told me that you need time.” He is changed. Now he has a new haircut for the series and also have huge bags under his beautiful eyes. He takes a deep breath before he speaks again.

“In the night after Ester’s birthday, I met Carlos again in the club, he drugged me and put me said some things, bad things. He filmed me and then he blackmailed me. I spend the nights with Miguel and a lawyer trying to do get a way out from this shit. He didn’t want money, he wanted to sleep again with me. But it was impossible because I love you. I’m sorry for let you down and for not telling you.” He come closer and I looked in his wet eyes. He is sad and depressed and I see that. Because I’m too and I believe him.

“Fuck, I missed you so much” I jumped in his arms and I started to cry loud. He rubbed my back with his big hands to relax me. “I love you and I’m sorry because I left.” I kissed his lips and he responded me. “I love you too, mamá” he mumbled.

After we cuddled for a while, we decided to get up and to meet properly his parents. They got me. I laughed when his mom told me that she handles herself not to cursing his son and for not telling me who they are.  We ate together and I’m happy. I hold his hand the whole lunch even if was hard for us to eat. I don’t want to leave him never again.

“So that’s your apartment here” Arón remarks and I approve. “It’s cozy” he added. “Our home is waiting for us when you are ready to come back” “I’m ready.” I kissed his lips putting my arms around him. He groans in my mouth and slaps my ass. “Your ass is bigger.” he smirks and kisses my forehead. “I’m fat now.” “You are just a sexy mamá.” “Mhm, let me present you the bedroom.” I said passional and grab his hand in mine. “I was waiting for this”. I lift his t-shirt and he put his hands on my belly.

“Hey, bebé, daddy is speaking to you. Sorry for making mommy upset. I love you.” 

[eshithepetty]

Tips on how to be productive when you've fallen into a rut

In many times in my life, I've reached a place where I just can't focus on what needs to be done, making reality all too overwhelming. These are just some things that I've found have helped me, and I'm mostly writing this to get it out of my chest and somewhere where I can see and remember them, but maybe they can help someone else, too, so... here they are:

Find an activity that calms and inspires you.

It can be anything. It just has to be something that doesn't put extra weight on your shoulders, that you can be done and finished with and that doesn't make you feel dejected or distracted from reality, instead making you view it in a more positive, tangible light.

For me, that would be walks around nature on a good day. It makes me remember all the sights and smells and beauty around me that I've forgotten, helps me think in a way that doesn't overwhelm me, and it doesn't require any effort beyond the physical activity.

For you it might be something different, like going window shopping, or taking a drive, or meditating, or, if socialising energizes you instead of tires you, hanging out with friends for a while, etc. so just find that thing, and remember to use it when you're feeling up to it.

Don't stress about what you should be feeling.

It can be easy to fall into spirals of self deprecation and confusion when you feel like you can do nothing else but feel and think. But try not to go against yourself like that. You can't control your emotions. Instead of treating them like an enemy to overcome, try to work with them.

Are you feeling overwhelming sadness and regret? Let it all out, as to not feel that pressure anymore, and maybe ask for an outside perspective to not fall into loneliness and repetition. Are you feeling angry or frustrated? Find a way to channel it healthily, whether through venting or through creative expression, allowing yourself to do something out of spite (while remembering to do it without targeting others and furthering the spiral). Are you feeling tired? Take a nap, or, if it's mental exhaustion, do something that doesn't require effort, allow yourself time to recover despite what's going on around you, and so on.

Find the things that work for you, and remember, your mind is not your enemy, it's you. It's just you. And your feelings are not something to be pushed aside, they're to be expierenced and cared for.

Also, remember your basic needs - try to get enough sleep, maybe try to gradually rework your sleep schedule if you need to, remember to eat, to drink, get some physical activity as to not get too wound up, clean yourself and the space around you etc. Your routine on that stuff may not be normal or ideal, but just keep it in mind, and try to steer yourself to a healthier state.

Focus on not what you need to do, but on what you can do.

This is similar to the last point in that it's an effort to not let yourself spiral needlessly. You may feel like you're not doing enough, like you're not doing what you need to do at this point in time, but wallowing in regret and forcing yourself, in turn exhausting yourself more, won't help you. Instead, think on what you actually want to do, or what you feel will require the least effort, and start with that.

The order in which you do things doesn't matter, unless you have a very strict schedule. But even then, just getting something out the way can be motivating, and, if you can, remember that reaching out and trying to work out things with other people if you truly feel the deadlines are too daunting is a possibility, and can be big help.

Just, remember, things will be okay. Focus on what you can do at the moment, and let all the other things fall from your mind.

If you're feeling distracted, write things down.

Don't bottle up your thoughts - rerouting your attention can be hard, and it probably won't come by force. If you want to do or say something, it can be helpful to get it out of your mind and on paper, and, if you want to, you can return to those rambles later and see if something there interests you, if there's something there that you still want to do. The goal is to not have it be in the way while you're trying to focus on something else.

Make not to-do lists, but have-done lists.

To-do lists can be useful, but sometimes, they can also be too daunting, and what could work better is having reminders of your positive achievents only. Sit down at the end of your day, and simply mark down all you've done today, including small tasks, like brushing your teeth or dishes or exercising, whatever you feel proud of. Maybe hang those up somewhere, too, and let those lists remind you that you have done things, and you can do them again. And, perhaps, you'll also see the list increase with time.

So, yeah. That's all for now, but feel free to add stuff that's helped you, if you want to. Wishing you all a pleasant week <3