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ghouldtime · 7 months ago

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*slides into the DMS*

S O. What does social anxiety for König look like through your fantastic characterization then? 👀

(Love your Alone operator series btw. Got me on the edge of my seat with each chapter!!)

(Thank you!! 💚💚💚 I'm so glad you're enjoying :D you all have been so so sweet with it and Im over the MOON so many people have liked it)

To answer this question I'm going to have to be a biiig yapper and explain why I think of him the way I do

Going to say this to start, but I'm going with the true fact that König is indeed diagnosed with social anxiety - anything else I'm saying is based off of my personal interpretation of how he acts in game as a disclaimer

I'm also going to state that personally, the König I write is in his lower to mid 40's. Sorry not sorry, I don't see him as a young dude. Especially not when it's pretty much agreed upon that he's a colonel. So he's had a SIGNIFICANT amount of life experience, and a significant amount of time to work on himself and have introspection.

To me, it makes the most sense that he was diagnosed with social anxiety earlier on in his childhood since it was significantly more obvious when he was younger. Something that severe wasn't unnoticed by those around him because some of them did care about him. It's also stated he's suffered from severe social anxiety throughout his life so that's how I took it.

I personally go with he grew up in a more rural town in his homeland of Austria, which meant there weren't exactly others around during the first few years. "Go play with the neighbors kids" didn't really work when there weren't neighbors around. It was mainly him and his parents and an occasional relative over.

What could be brushed off as initial shyness clearly couldn't be anymore when he finally was enrolled in school.

Even on the first day when it's "introduce yourself to everyone", he fucked that up so monumentally it'll be engraved forever in his hall of shameful memories that he thinks about late at night. School was an utter nightmare, quite frankly, from moment one. The whole situation was too much, too stressful, and too different from the life he had at home. He flat out refused to get up and present in front of the class and wouldn't talk in group projects just for the fear of embarrassing himself. At that time, he was hitting all the indicators for social anxiety like they're the targets he shoots at today.

He missed out on a lot of interaction with other kids initially because of how awkward he was - and having any form of anxiety never helps in social situations. Talking to others wasn't something that came naturally and his own panic amplified it tenfold. Most times, he'd either pretend he didn't hear them, avoid them, or stray as far to the edge of the group as possible to avoid it. Unfortunately this made him an easy target because kids are RUTHLESS and turned him into even more outcast as well which only worsened it.

School always sucked for him due to that, despite the fact that he was a smart kid. No amount of smarts could save you from social persecution when you had nearly no social skills to boot. [ side note but I'm dying on the hill that he's incredibly intelligent and has a bachelors degree (at the very least)].

His parents kept him in therapy to help him manage because without it, he'd be back at square one refusing to go to school and faking a cold just to get out of it. And of course, therapy is a very important tool when it comes to healing, coping, and managing severe mental disorders. The whole reason why he doesn't show such bad anxiety anymore is because he kept the skills he learned and applies them so much that it becomes his second nature.

He's had at least 35 years of this, he's good enough to mask and to keep up his facade.

Another part of why he doesn't show it nearly as much is because he joined the military and was thrown through the wringer with it. Being bullied for so long was a major motivator for joining in the first place, as he needed something to get away from the peers who tormented him so and he needed a new life where he wasn't known as target #1. But he ALSO wanted to gain actual confidence and more certainty in himself.

Joining the military really means you're not left with such things as many choices when it comes to anxiety in social situations. You're forced into quarters with others, have to work side-by-side, do nearly everything together, so on and so forth. He knew that going in but at that point for him it was like extreme exposure therapy, the last step he needed to really put everything he learned in therapy to work.

That doesn't mean he didn't suffer or loved it. No, it was terrible, intense, and nerve-wracking. But he wouldn't have done it otherwise if he didn't want that. Being in the military didn't give him the leeway to avoid what made him anxious, it taught him to face it head on and fight.

Now that he's up there in age and has considerable more experience (and leeway with having a higher rank), the ways he expresses it [look at me finally answering the question] are more subtle.

On the field, you're likely not going to notice it. Because that's him turning the little auto pilot switch in his mind to on when he has a job. The job is his focus and everything has been so engrained in his mind that it's muscle memory. He's, quite frankly, focused on not dying and getting any job done over himself. The joking you often hear him do and taunting alike is part of how he's expressing the confidence he feels when he's in his element, when he KNOWS what he is doing.

If you look closely or approach him off the field, however, it's another story. He usually tenses or straightens himself out when people approach and will hold that until they leave (unless they're someone who he truly knows). Many assume that's a taught habit of the military, but that's only half-true. He did that before then.

Unlike when he's working, he doesn't have a guide or things he knows he has to do in a specific order to best ensure survival - no matter how much talking to other people feels like the heat of the battle, you can't (legally) solve it with a gun or throw a frag and book it out of there. There's no true guide to social interactions and that stresses him out. There's no manual, no field guide, no ten step card on how to successfully navigate them.

He knows things that are normal to say, he knows sometimes what he should say - it's just a matter of finding the phrasing and how to say them. Yet it seems like whenever someone doesn't follow his pre-programmed line of thought when it comes to their talking, his mind can shut down and go blank as he stares, trying to figure out where to go or what to say (spoiler: it usually doesn't end well).

He's usually awkward to talk to because he's running over everything in his head as he tries to think of what best to say to avoid further interactions or ones that could be more targeting to him. And, as mentioned, he lacks the average set of social skills that plenty learn in childhood because he didn't have that proper socialization. He's also still not the best at talking itself and can be blunt and to-the-point, which also doesn't usually go down well.

Not to mention, he's bad at small talk and has a terrible, sarcastic sense of humor that many can't read and it quickly turns things uncomfortable very fast because everyone takes him seriously. It never helps he usually doesn't explain himself all too well, usually leaving it as is as he secretly wishes he didn't talk at all when mortification sets in. Hurrying away with an excuse of some paperwork or something else to busy himself is his go-to after those.

When possible, he'll avoid small-talk and greatly prefers gestures instead. Someone who can appreciate his greater need for silence and a lack of talking is someone who he will greatly appreciate in turn. He's a firm believer that not all silences are uncomfortable and sometimes, it IS best not to say anything at all.

Due to his childhood too, he's not really fond of being around many people and will do his best to avoid it. Unless he has to grin and bare it, he won't. He finds his mind calmest when he can just be himself without having to worry about saying the right things to appease others or to be friendly. That way he can focus on what he wants, think how he wants, and feels how he wants without second guessing himself or having to worry about existing.

He's going to avoid most public settings when possible. Though he can now suitably manage his anxiety, they're something he passes up on. Grocery store trips are something he does maybe once a week or two, if that - stock piling so he has to go to the store less is his usual strategy. Anything he can do himself, he WILL do himself, if he doesn't have a trusted person who can do it better or can help.

Notably, he also doesn't have many friends. He's like talking to a brick wall and unless you're considerably persistent and understanding of his need for space, you won't get far. A lot of people don't have the time nor patience for it, but if you do get close to him, he does come out of his shell. He appreciates anyone who cares enough to actually get close to him and get to know him despite how awkward he can be, and will be loyal to the end because of that.

Another side effect is that he doesn't sleep well. Between the massive amounts of trauma from his job and the trauma from his childhood, he doesn't sleep well as is. But the social anxiety aspect comes into play because many nights, his mind is rerunning all the interactions he's had as he chronically overthinks them. He always wonders what he could've done, how he could've improved, and what they're thinking of him (even if they're someone he may never run into again). Its very hard for him to shut his mind off and doing such usually requires him drowning everything else and making himself not think about that, or anything, any more.

[Another side note: He's an avid reader. Reading gives him new things to think about and can help put him to sleep, especially before bed. It's a good way for him to stop thinking about whatever was nagging him and shifts his mind into thinking about other things he enjoys instead)

Basically, IN SHORT this isn't my full in-depth detailed characterization of exactly who I think he is - the reason he's not presenting it as an anxious ball of pure energy who is so uwu shy and soft is because he is incredibly well-managed with his severe social anxiety at his age and that's uh, just not him. Social anxiety doesn't mean he's a blubbering mess or will cry at the slightest inconvenience and reducing him to that or treating anyone with social anxiety like they're a child because of it does not help at alllll.

He's had extensive therapy for this, he's got his methods, he can mask very well. He's a WHOLE GROWN MAN who is responsible for not only his actions but how he manages his emotions and he knows it. But if you know him and know what to look for, you'll be able to pick it up.

(Also the sheer amount of scenarios I've seen where people think he just would... cry if you took his mask off??? Him???? HIM???? König, "I can make you talk, where are they?" the skilled PMC operator? That one? That guy? Yeah no, anyone dumb enough to do that better have signed their will prior or hopefully has an intensive love for scrubbing all the floors with a single old toothbrush. He won't tolerate people harassing or hustling him or pressing on his nerves. Sure, it reminds him of his childhood bullies, but quite frankly that behavior as grown adults trying that is RIDICULOUS, it pisses him off and immediately lowers his opinion on them.)

To whoever made it this far, I hope this made sense, I took melatonin before I got the ask so I'm in another realm right now LMAO. König is one of my favorites and was the first character I realllly really loved and I just hate seeing him done so dirty. Especially as someone with severe social anxiety myself, it irritates me when it's portrayed just so... wrong and quite frankly, in a lazy, offensive manner lacking any nuance especially in relation to the character who has it. Like just making him stutter and cry isn't all social anxiety is and there's SO much depth and things to work with despite the... actual substance as far as his bio goes

#könig cod #call of duty #cod #call of duty x reader #könig call of duty #könig x reader #konig x reader #konig cod #konig call of duty #cod modern warfare #rant post #rambles #könig headcanons #cod headcanons #this is just how i write him and is my own personal take #if anyone wants to hear more about my König I'll be happy to yap #ghouldtimetalks

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icebrooding · 29 days ago

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OK since I finally got to play the new chapter. Primary! Thoughts! On! Repentance!

After an, imo, somewhat lacklustre patch in Godspawn, this was peak.

Some of my headcanons regarding TSaS got pretty messed up, but I'll find a way to make it work anyway. The Mursaat children not having any kind of armour (I think calling them gildless is oddly cute, btw) throws a wrench into my thoughts of them hiding their faces, but who knows. Maybe the helmets don't really 'count' as armour. Maybe I could have them obscure their faces a different way. I will cope, regardless.

So... I wasn't expecting Manikaz of all people to make a reappearance, let alone for his sheer importance. His character, at first, seemed oddly inconsistent, whipping frantically between a bloodthirsty egotistical monster, and someone who was shaken deeply at killing even just one gildless for the purpose of the Mursaat's (potential) continued survival.

That was before I read the lorebooks, of course. It seems at some point he was a fairly ordinary person before the sheer desperation and stress made him snap (what the FUCK did that gate lead to?! What did you do????). @eparch made some interesting commentary on the generational divide between the Mursaat, which I totally see! It seemed like the younger Mursaat had immense pressure on their shoulders from their elders, and Manikaz, being a genius and making breakthroughs the likes of none other, endured the brunt of this. I could feel sympathy for him as strong as the horror of what he ended up doing. That's some good character writing! I love him!

His multiple mentions of Seraf, and the way he speaks of him across notes and ambient dialogue, specifically also make me go *raises eyebrow*. Were they...? Or was it just that Manikaz...??

Also, somehow I never really considered a necromancer ghost using necromancy to resurrect THEMSELF and that's absolutely cool shit omg.

Mabon's voice acting was stellar, holy shit. You could REALLY feel the seething contempt he had for his kin. And the way Isgarren's acting came across too, you can tell just how much all of this has been weighing on him, how much he's... somewhat hurt by Mabon keeping all this from him. How much he misses Mabon...

AND. GENERALLY SPEAKING OF ISGARREN.

HOLY FUCK, MY GUY? I thought I couldn't love him more, and then "yeah he was a Mursaat hunter and he murdered one of their highest ranking in broad daylight in revenge". Ohhh, marry me, old man!!

But the timeline. He was already an exile, as they call him, which means... he turned into a Mursaat hunter after coming to live with Mabon in the Tower. I wonder if Mabon knew? Well, he must have, with how Isgarren had a title amongst the Mursaat for his actions, and Mabon 'staying in touch' with his people, in a... fashion. I wonder how he felt about still living together with Isgarren, knowing he was off culling his kin? Perhaps he felt it justified, but also... oughhh, the complex dynamics of Mabon hating his people but still having some sense of compassion for them.

Kinda bummed this does mean that the GW1 Seer was not, in fact, Sidony though. But I feel like Isgarren's rage and desire for vengeance in regards to her death kind of cements my headcanon (for me) that Sidony was his parent. I'll die on this hill!

I like the contrast of how much he has changed between then and more current-ish day. After losing Sidony, he went on a slaughtering rampage of the Mursaat in revenge. After losing his girlfriend, he had come to temper his emotion in restraint, even though I feel he yearned for vengeance against Eparch and the Kryptis for Vass (and Akeem too).

Me: I headcanon Isgarren was actually an ele, if we're going on GW1 classes Reality: He was an assassin.

Peak.

Also, his angered insults towards Yagon when she called Mabon a coward... oughhh, yeah you defend your man!! NOBODY SHIT TALKS YOUR MABON LIKE THAT.

But how did Yagon know what became of him... mystery, mystery...

I am so happy Mursaat remain unisex in body. Tiddies out for female Mursaat!!! On that note, I was joking 'what if I shipped Yagon with Lethe?' because Lethe is my fem Mursaat OC who was especially cruel and notorious amongst them for her atrocities. She probably looked up to Yagon like "omg I want to be her <3". Move aside, Lazarus, you just got cucked by an old lady. Yagon's husband? Move aside, too. Girlie time.

I keep thinking about that 'gate' mentioned in one of the lorebooks. Not the one that the Titans came through, I think. So where the hell does it lead? It had energies strong enough that it made the Mursaat go crazy and sick and died. It killed all of their children. It can't be a gate to the Realm of Torment, because...well, it wouldn't make sense. I remember reading a lorebook that said this gate was supposed to be an escape plan for them? And it can't have been to Nayos, because they were natively born there, it wouldn't damage them so severely, and why would they come back afterward when that's their homeland they strove to return to? Especially since presumably they're born acclimated to Nayosian flows of magic as they have to all learn to adapt to Tyria, despite being born there. Where the hell does that Gate lead...? I fear we're finding something so much worse than Titans next patch...

I mean, if Seers could create Legavo, which could control the Titans, that implies regular Seers were more powerful than Titans, right? In fact, that one interrogation log says that the Seers magical capabilities were off the charts, that they could seemingly do what Wizards required Ascension for. (This is probably also explaining why Isgarren was the only one not to lose his memory; he went through almost no real change????) But still yet Isgarren, a Seer AND a wizard, cannot undo that seal, and I think I saw some NPC mention that the barrier wasn't Titan magic or something, so there truly is something so, so much worse in Bava Nisos.

I really need to check these over again, but again, this is preliminary thoughts after going through everything just once.

Speaking of Titans, Mabon's reaction at the very end... "Stop! Face me. There's nothing left inside." ...there was something left in that city he wanted to keep safe... he says 'We're what's left', but who else was there to be that 'we'? I NEED ANSWERS NOWWWWWW ;;A;;

Personally, I feel like Anise's dialogue in the last chapter did some heavy damage control from her dialogue at the end of base JW. I appreciate it.

The thought of Isgarren holding a knife to Mabon's throat from behind is really hot and I'm not about to pretend like it isn't.

#text #jw spoilers #IM UNHINGED IM FROTHING AT THE MOUTH #word vomit thought tbh #just me screaming and brain goign a million miles

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marqry-rambles · 8 months ago

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rambling AGAIN about mm!/tottmnt donnie (ep 10)

ok finally got to rewatch ep 10. definitely not a perfect episode now that i think about it, but i still like it. @lordchinnychin asked for my thoughts (tysm i appreciate it btw) so here we goooo

TOTTMNT EP 10 SPOILER ONWARDS‼️

at the start of the ep, donnie is already a little dismissive of wingnut's paranoia and doesn't take it too seriously. but donnie doesn't go too far. in fact, even at this point, he visibly wants to comfort wingnut. offering her food, giving suggestions, but he's definitely not directly talking to her about the problem just yet.

during the scene where they were surrounded by the alligator, wingnut started to panic even worse. however, donnie's responses were a bit harsher, which you can't fully blame him since he was starting to get stressed out.

also idk where to insert this, but i lowkey love the aussie jokes lol. and i kinda love that donnie still makes them even when they're literally surrounded by a wild animal. humor is one of his coping mechanisms, i guess.

at some point, both of them reach their limits to the point that wingnut even says that she would rather be a unmutated bat again. that statement seems to really hit donnie, possibly because he probably has the same thought too sometimes. i wouldn't be surprised if all the turtles had that insecurity at some point.

so that statement finally made donnie stop for a moment and just talk to wingnut head-on. he finally starts by acknowledging her feelings first. and i really like that he straight up admits he's not good when it comes to feelings. but when that isn't working out, donnie tries a different approach and tries to connect with wingnut through their shared interests.

honestly, the references already feel outdated, but i really do like the idea of the scene. sure, donnie isn't the best at connecting with feelings, but i really love that he still makes an effort to connect with her through his own donnie way; in a way that both of them understand and share because of their bond.

the moment they got surrounded by the alligator again, donnie tries a different approach to get through "demutated leatherhead." specifically, he does what he thinks his brothers would do in his position. but, erm, that doesn't work out. honestly, yeah it's very dumb for donnie to try to talk to a literal alligator lol. but the scene also pretty much signifies that donnie trying to act and think like someone else isn't the best answer.

also very interesting that the first time we see donnie visibly really REALLY panic in this episode is when he fell into the water and almost drowned. throughout the episode, he's been taking things pretty well, especially for a teenager. and he isn't even the older one between him and wingnut! but it's him who had to take charge. sometimes, he's probably the anchor for his brothers too.

of course in this children's cartoon, they solve the problem by working together and being yourself. the end hooray 🎉

but something that really really bothers me is whenever donnie mentions throughout the episode that he's "left-brained." So who's gonna tell him that being more left or right brained is just a myth? lol. it's been debunked years ago that your brain doesn't have a part that's more dominant.

but even with the inaccuracy, maybe that's intentional? cause i can't just believe it that a smart person like donnie wouldn't know the truth lol.

maybe donnie saying he's left brained more so pertains to the fact that he doesn't believe that he's also more right brained and more empathetic than he realizes. maybe because he's been labeled as the smart one for so long that he isn't exactly comfortable with that position. it's because of the label that it makes him think that he SHOULD ONLY be logical. what if he's purposefully limiting himself? when, in reality, he's a lot more emotional than he realizes. he just happens to be a bit more emotionally intelligent than his brothers. but i guess one of them just has to step up.

man, being the youngest (i think) but also the most mature might be the thing that fucks up the way he views himself. they assume donnie is the smart one, so they expect him to be the smart one all the time for every situation. and that takes quite a toll on donnie, so he tries to convince himself that he is only logical. my god, let this boy breathe!! i'm sure the others don't intentionally pressure donnie of course, but it still affects him nonetheless.

ok, so if ever tottmnt ever gets another season, i would love for a donnie episode where he starts to feel more confident about himself. not just confident about his smarts alone, but also his interests. i'm just realizing this as i write this, but they didn't mention donnie's interests that much in the show compared to the movie. well, i wanna hear about them again!! i wanna see him have fun and be happy!! i want donnie to realize he's not just the smart one, or that his worth is based on his intelligence, strength, or anything else. donnie is awesome for simply being donnie, and that's completely enough.

#as you can see i am very normal about this character #tmnt mutant mayhem #tottmnt #tales of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #mutant mayhem #tmnt donnie #tmnt donatello #tottmnt donnie #mutant mayhem donnie

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lambilegs · 1 month ago

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i'm very late to everything, but just wanted to see how you're doing. it seems a lot has happened recently and the past month/few weeks have been rough on you, haven't they?

seeing you juggle between this blog and ur personal life (+ academics) must be difficult :(( and running an account while writing as much quality content as possible to keep this small community alive is def overwhelming (ur efforts and works are deeply appreciated 🙏🏻). there's no denying how tough it is to be in ur position + how much pressure you may feel keeping the fandom alive as you ensure everyone feels included/heard.

i've so much to tell you but i'll bore you w my yapping. instead, i hope you're taking good care of yourself and are surrounded by love. you always care for ur readers/followers by catering to our asks and requests. that's why this time, i hope you're choosing ur happiness and what's best for you. pls take the time to heal and process everything in whatever healthy coping ways you prefer. also, know that we're so grateful to have you and this safe space you created. when life gets crappy, know we're always here for you pardner <33.

P.S. congrats on reaching 1k followers & coming out to ur dad! and have a blessed Ramadan!

btw, you look cute in your sweater & glasses rocking the lee harker bangs hehe

omg hiiiii you are such a sweetheart ahhhh ;-; no because why did the question at the end of the first paragraph have me on the brink of getting emotional DJFDKFJ -- not in a bad way ofc!! you're so kind, and I'm just in my feels because yeah, it's definitely been a few stressful months, both in terms of the blog and in my personal life.

thank you so much omg :( yeah, it definitely can be pressuring sometimes -- not because anyone is pressing me on anything, of course, but just because I do love this community so much, and I worry about losing it if I'm not posting. with the lee fans especially, since it's quite a small group of us so I worry if things will wane if I don't post, you know? I've definitely had that worry on my mind for a few days now, since my motivation has seriously depleted due to personal stuff and being busy with finals season. so, hearing this from you is so validating and kind, and it means so much to me that you appreciate it :")

NOOOOO omg please tell me everything's that's been on your mind! I'm so touched you have stuff you wanna share with me at all, I'd love to hear about it. and omggg, this entire paragraph is so fucking sweet :((( like, I'm seriously so touched rn by such kind and sweet words. I'm trying my best to look after myself, but it can get hard, since I'll go between doing no school work at all and then just getting so stressed about work that I neglect everything else KJSKDJS. and even then, I still struggle to keep up with it. but, I'm trying my best to look after myself and do things I enjoy. and my friends have helped a lot in that department, as well as people in this community, like you, who share such lovely sentiments. :") and I'm trying to let myself cry when I need to, feel pain when I need to, let it out through journalling, etc., so I don't end up stifling anything, you know? thank you so, so much for being so kind about the writing I do here and saying you're grateful for it and me as a writer :(( like, that seriously means the world to me. it can be easy to get in my head sometimes about if my writing or presence on here makes a difference, so words like this help so much and make me feel so happy.

omg thank you so much!! my dad was so funny lmaoooo he was a tad awkward about it, and he tends to avoid vulnerable talks, so I'm not surprised he didn't press on it, but I'm really glad he nows. and thank you so much! eid will hopefully be this upcoming sunday or monday, and my friend is doing my henna for it, and I'm SO excited.

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN THOUGH? :O like, truly, I wanna hear about what's been going on in your life, if you've been having any lee-related ideas you'd like to chat about, or just anything at all you'd like to share! like, I'm genuinely so glad to be hearing from you, and I'd love to hear about what's been doing on with you.

AHHHHH thank you so much hehe 👉🏽👈🏽 I just got them re-cut, and I'm lately starting to embrace having them more messy as opposed to getting stressed over how neat they are, so I really am channelling lee HAHA.

#ask #🤠 anon #I THINK?? let me know mwah #but also if you're not 🤠 anon I'd still love to hear from you and about how life is going <33

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sammy8d257 · 1 year ago

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that post you made about purple being free to express anger at ko reminds me of the abuse cycle (in which a victim becomes an abuser) but in a comparably more healthy way. it's so good ☆

Anon I am tucking you gently into bed with your favorite midnight snack and drink /pos

I think it's less of Purple is perpetuating the cycle of abuse in a healthy way and more that they're unlearning some unhealthy habits regarding the expression of negative emotions

Because something that I've definitely had to relearn is that having anger, being sad, being scared, all these "negative" emotions are natural and normal. And having them is not a bad thing and you are not a bad person for feeling them

The issues arise with how these emotions are expressed and handled

So in my headcanons,

Purple learned to express anger through aggression from their father, but they also learned that you must always respect figures of authority, so that that anger can never be directed towards said figure. Additionally, they probably learned it'd be a death sentence if they showed any "weakness".

Similarly, when their mother falls ill, Purple was given the role of caretaker (probably while they were still in their teens btw) and a whole new sense of responsibility is put on their shoulders. But they can't show that they're stressed, or that they're sad, or god forbid they're angry. Because what kind of monster would have these feelings about their sick mother?

So the logical conclusion (in Purple's mind) is suppression. Just keep everything inside. It'll be fine.

That's why it's such a big thing when Purple finally does express these emotions in front of King because it's like, confirmation that Purple sees them as equals and that they trust him enough to be vulnerable.

(man if someone reminds me, I would LOVE to do a deep dive on my headcanon on how Purple's trust with King is different from their trust with the Color Gang. Because there is a difference. These 2 relationships are not the same)

And of course, Purple will eventually learn better coping mechanisms to handle their emotions because like I said above, the harm is not from having these emotions but from how they're being expressed.

But I do think there's something beautiful about how messy it must be when Purple finally cracks and lets their raw emotions out

#Sammy8D answers #Thank you anon for this gift and letting me going bonkers bananas over an emotionally repressed purple stick figure #alan becker #purple stick figure #avm purple #ava purple #ava headcanon #ava headcanons #anon #anonymous #avm short #avm #animation vs minecraft #Sammy8D Stick Stuff

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brutal-nemesis · 7 months ago

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E&T: Caught in the Clutches of Lust

No im not sorry for any of this. cope and seethe

Btw I used a line from @painsandconfusion and @wormwriting's degradation starter list that I saved THREE YEARS AGO for this very moment. I am always playing the long game (⊙ˍ⊙)

←Previous - Masterlist

Ingredients: VERY creepy/intimate whumper, implied threat of noncon, a lot of noncon touching (unsexy but right on the edge), implied noncon kiss, unsexy nudity

Shiori?

No, it couldn’t be, she was a world away, she was human, he’d left her waiting by the fountain after the party and she’d moved on and forgotten about him, no reason to follow him here, into the depths of hell, looking exactly like she had the night of the party, jarringly out of place in her pretty dress, smiling at him like he wasn’t a blood-covered, unrecognizable version of himself.

And then he blinked, and all of a sudden it wasn’t Shiori at all, but Lythia, wearing the same yellow bandana that she always did while she was working in the palace gardens, the little black braids of her hair just as beautiful as he remembered. There was no pity in her dark eyes, like there had been the last time he saw her, looking up at him from the crowd while he was chained to that pillar, promising he’d be rescued after it was already too late. Actually seeing her hurt, and Erebus looked away for a moment, just a moment…

When he saw the woman in front of him now, his jaw dropped, eyes widening, his tense, burning hands finally relaxing.

“Come on, let’s get you somewhere safe.”

Her voice was just as he remembered, and she was smiling at him so kindly, her eyes soft, her gloved hand outstretched, she was here to save him, she’d found a way to bring him back, he was too tired and scared and stressed to do anything else besides surrender control to her once again, to take her small hand and follow her blindly towards the fate she’d chosen for him. She was squeezing his still-healing hand tightly in hers, but she could do whatever she wanted with him just as long as she got him out of this place.

“Well, that was easy.”

The voice wasn’t Shiori’s, or Lythia’s, and it certainly wasn’t Neteri’s.

Erebus jumped back, finally seeing the person next to him clearly for the first time. She-they?-smirked at him, bright purple eyes sparkling. Their white hair was long and wavy, partially braided back with impeccable precision. Gold jewelry and a low-cut black dress accentuated their natural beauty, seeming very out of place in this hellish world. Most striking of all, though, was their bright red skin, a shade that was very familiar to Erebus.

This was a lust demon, and she’d lead him right into her lair.

“You-how did-I-”

They laughed, deep and bright, obviously amused by his shock and confusion. “You only saw what your heart wanted you to see, darling. It’s not my fault you turned into a meek little lamb and followed me here.”

Erebus’s face grew hot. “Well I-I…” his wings sank behind him. He’d thought he was about to be saved. Like an idiot. She’d led him away from the bubbling pools and acrid air into a sort of cave, a furnished one at that. But now he was cornered in here, at a disadvantage in the cramped space. He swallowed and changed the topic, hand resting on the pommel of his sword. “Who are you and what do you want with me?”

“Apologies.” She bowed slightly, the sort of bow people gave when they were pretending to show respect during negotiations, but then declared war a few weeks later. “My name is Asmodeum, and really,” they gave him a disapproving look, “I’d rather not fight with you. I heard you’ve defeated Somiaken and Vorath already, but I believe you and I could work something out without coming to blows.” They held their hands up briefly, but the way they watched him made it clear that their guard was still up. “So, tell me your name, now. Unless you’d prefer I just call you darling?”

Erebus very much did not want that, so he complied. “Erebus. But you didn’t really answer my question. What do you want, if not to fight me?”

Asmodeum sighed wistfully. “Well, I can tell that you’re the sort of person who’ll never agree to what I really want, but I believe something can be arranged. You see, I’ve been stuck here for Akumo knows how long with no toys to play with. So, I was thinking-”

“I-I’m not gonna be your toy,” Erebus choked, his throat feeling like it was closing up.

“Ah, ah, ah.” Asmodeum wagged a finger. “Let me finish, dear. I could have my way with you quite easily, you know. It would be oh so effortless to drag you back into my domain proper and throw you into a pool of boiling water or lava and watch the show. However, I think your forced cooperation would make this a little more fun, and it would be nice if you behaved for me. So, if you let me do what I want with you, barring the most intimate acts, I’ll let you kill me once I’ve had my fill.”

“What happens if I don’t say yes?”

Asmodeum casually examined their nails. “I will take you by force and I will defile you.”

“D-defile?! You don’t mean…” Erebus quickly glanced down, and Asmodeum smiled wickedly.

“Oh, I do mean. If you let me play with you, I swear I won’t do anything of the sort. Call it an incentive. So come on, Erebus, get rid of your sword.” Erebus just tightened his grip on it, weighing his options. As much as he didn’t want to let this demon…play with him...did he really have any other options? He was exhausted, and there wasn’t much room in here for him to try and put up a proper fight. And more than anything, he really, really didn’t want to risk being...Despite the anxiety building in his chest, Erebus unbuckled the sword belt around his waist, setting it carefully on the ground.

“Fine. But if you so much as touch me there I’ll-I’ll make you regret it.” How would he do that? He wasn’t sure. But he just-he had to make it clear that he wasn’t surrendering. He was just…agreeing to play along. Just to get a break from fighting. He was okay with this. He’d be fine. He'd been through so much worse.

He'd be fine.

“I promise I won’t cross that boundary, don’t you fret.” Asmodeum walked over to him, kicking his sword out of reach as they took his hand. “First things first, you’re absolutely filthy. Let’s get you cleaned up, shall we?”

Erebus pulled his hand out of her grasp. “I mean, I-I can do that myself,” he muttered. Asmodeum raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sure you can, but I want to wash you, dear. And right now,” she grabbed his hand once more, “I get what I want.” They pulled him along into a bathroom, and he followed reluctantly, feeling an odd sense of familiarity in just going along with this sort of thing. Their threat was certainly a motivator, but that didn’t mean he was going to roll over completely on every little thing, right? He had to make it clear that he wasn’t happy with this, despite agreeing to it. She started filling up the bathtub with water, turning to him with a smile. “Let me strip you now.”

“I-I’d rather-”

“Shhhh.” She placed a finger on his lips, her other hand starting to undo the ties on his shirt. “None of that, dear. I can’t get you all clean if you’re wearing these dirty clothes, now can I?” He looked away as they tugged his shirt off, hoping that they’d-nope, now they were going to try and take off his pants, too.

“You said you weren’t going to-to do that to me.”

“I won’t. But that doesn’t mean you get to keep your clothes on the whole time, you shy little thing. I just won’t touch.” Erebus stifled a whine as she pulled down his pants, and his underwear along with them. “There we go. You can get in now.” He did so, almost jumping into the warm water and crouching down, hugging his knees close and spreading his wings around himself protectively. They gently pushed his wings back, stroking his face as he glared at them with wide eyes. “There’s no use hiding when I’ve already seen everything, silly. I think I’m going to need to get these arms out of the way, hmmm?” They pulled out a pair of manacles, and Erebus’s stomach sank.

“Wait, I won’t resist just-just don’t-”

“Too late for that, Erebus.” She clamped them around his wrists, twisting the chain securely around the faucet. “Besides, you look absolutely darling like that, all helpless. Now, keep those wings out of the way or I’ll pierce them together.” Erebus’s wings sank in defeat, slowly moving back until they were behind him. There wasn’t any winning here, was there? “Good boy.” She grabbed a cup from the countertop and started using it to pour water on him, rinsing away some of the pieces of flesh stuck to his bloodied skin. After she lathered a washcloth with soap, she began to gently clean the dried blood off his face. He screwed his eyes shut, fists clenched as he tried to think about anything else.

Even back when he was a prince, he’d hated being fussed over, preferring to take care of himself when he could. Asmodeum, however, seemed to have no concept of personal space, or just didn’t care. She had to work hard to get through the blood caked over most of his skin, leaning in close, starting with his face before switching to his hair. Their hands slid in, tenderly working through tangled bloody mats and massaging his scalp. He hated how nice it felt, how much it reminded him of the way Lythia always used to play with his hair, forcing himself to open his eyes and look at Asmodeum, to remind himself who was…

Lythia smiled at him sweetly, and Erebus felt his blood run cold. That wasn’t her, no matter what he saw, no matter how he felt. She wasn’t here. She was back home, probably still tending the palace gardens despite the change in management. Did she still think of him as she looked at all the places they used to laugh? Or could she not get the image of him screaming and sobbing up on that podium out of her mind, unable to remember any other version of him than the one he’d left her with? Maybe that’s what he deserved to be remembered as, since he’d hardly thought of her since that day, the memories too painful.

Erebus shuddered when Asmodeum moved to his horns, which were always far more sensitive than they had any right to be. She seemed to be able to tell, continuing to stroke them long after they were clean, and as much as he wanted to ask them to stop, he was afraid it would only encourage them. At the very least, the disconnect between Lythia and his horns was enough to push the thoughts of her out of his mind, and Asmodeum changed back to their normal form.

Her hands finally slid lower, caressing his neck, fingers slipping under his collar, making sure the skin underneath was clean, pressing down against his throat every so often as they did so. It wasn't enough to really choke him, but the message was clear.

They moved onto his shoulders, his wings, his arms, his back. He caught their smile as they saw what his right arm really looked like, and her fingers traced his whip scars as they were uncovered. Dread started to pool in his stomach as she moved to his chest, scrubbing away, revealing-

“Oh, well isn’t this pretty.” They marveled at his brand, stroking the lines of the scar, pausing over his rapidly-beathing heart. “Too bad you’re already owned by someone else, huh? But I suppose they’re not here now, are they?” Erebus just bit his lip, refusing to make eye contact. The thought of his…of Neteri not being here hurt, and, try as he might, he couldn’t help but think of her, of the way she’d always protected him. He wondered how angry she’d get if she saw what was happening to him, or if she could feel now that someone besides her was touching him. He could imagine her bursting in, yelling at Asmodeum to get their hands off of him, unchaining him and letting him cover up before pulling him into a hug-wait wait what was he thinking she’d been his captor she’d hurt him and ripped him into pieces and kept him locked up but she'd promised to save him and he missed her.

“What’s wrong, darling? Is even this too much for you?” Asmodeum brushed away a tear he didn’t realize had been falling with her finger, her skin no longer red, but brown. He couldn't look her in the eye. Not while she wore that face. “Such a sensitive little thing.” Hearing those words in that voice was already bad enough. Erebus tugged at his chains, wishing he could rub away those stupid traitorous tears, because he wasn’t crying about Neteri or Asmodeum or any of this.

Their hands plunged beneath the surface of the blood-clouded water now, and Erebus couldn't stop himself from tensing up as they scrubbed his stomach, glad the parts of him that were previously under clothes weren't as caked in blood as those that weren't. Still, there was enough to clean that she had an excuse for her hands to wander lower still, caressing his hips, his thighs, and now he was trembling, fists clenched, tears dripping even more steadily into the tepid, cloudy water, no one had ever touched him there, at least she was wearing her own face now, but please, please stay away from there, you said you wouldn't touch me there and if you do then why am I here why am I letting you do this why do I keep letting people hurt me if I just stood up for myself more if I wasn't such a coward maybe I'd still be-

"You're rather pathetic, aren't you?" Asmodeum mused as they cradled his face, turning him towards them. Erebus blinked away tears, just now realizing that they'd finished cleaning him, the tub already drained. He couldn't exactly argue, crying and shivering like he was, so he just swallowed and gave the tiniest nod as he pulled himself together, hoping it'd be enough to get them to move on.

With a satisfied smile, she unhooked his wrists from the faucet, but left the manacles on as she pulled him up and out of the tub. He tried to cover himself as best he could as they toweled him off, hoping they’d stop touching him or at least give him clothes soon. Thankfully, they did, handing him a small bundle, and upon unrolling it he found...a pair of shorts that barely reached his knees, and that was all. Once he’d put them on, she dragged him into another room and let go, crossing her arms. “Kneel.”

“I don’t-” Asmodeum raised an eyebrow, and Erebus stopped himself. They were expecting him to obey their every little whim if he didn’t want to be...he knelt, staring at the floor. She circled him a few times, and he clenched his fists in his lap, hating how much of his body was on display. Not that she hadn’t already seen everything.

“You were just made to kneel, weren't you? Absolutely gorgeous." Erebus's face burned even hotter than before. All he could hope was that they'd be done with him soon, but he'd never specified how long this would go on for when he agreed to it, so this might last…He was such an idiot, why did he just go along with this without any negotiation?

Asmodeum stopped in front of him. "Well, what are you in the mood for, dear? Pain,” her hand slid under his chin, tilting it up, “or pleasure?”

“Please just-anything but-” he choked, and she just laughed.

“Anything, you say? Then, I think...I'm in the mood for this.” They grabbed his collar, yanking him up onto the nearby bed. Before he could even try to sit up they were on him, wrapping themselves around him, worming in between his shackled arms, forcing him to embrace her back. A shudder ran down his spine as her skin came into contact with his, her arms pinning him flush against her body, her legs tangling around his. “Have you ever been this close to someone, darling?” she whispered in his ear, their fingers stroking his hair.

“I-I, um, a few times but-”

“Aw, and you’re still nervous.” Her hand ran down the back of his head, stopping at his collar. “It’s so cute how you still wear this. I’m sure you could get it off if you tried, so you must like having it on, huh? Do you miss your owner?”

“She’s not-I don’t-I just-it’s…” he screwed his eyes shut, “I can’t take it off, alright?!”

“Such a dutiful little pet-”

“I wasn’t h-her pet!”

“You’re so adorable when you’re in denial.” They stroked his back, rubbing around the base of his wings. Erebus just opted for staring at the wall, hoping they wouldn't touch his horns. “Do you know how lust demons feed, my dear?”

“By eating…?”

“Well, of course, but not the same way you do. We feed off of humans, more specifically, their bodily fluids.” She smiled widely, showing off her fangs. “And I haven’t had a meal ever since being locked up in here. I normally get my fix a different way, but, to be considerate of you, innocent little boy,” they shifted until their lips were right next to the base of his neck, fingers pushing his collar out of the way, “I’ll settle for feasting on your blood.”

Her fangs sank into his neck, and he couldn’t help but gasp at the sudden pain. He tried to breathe in calmly through gritted teeth as she sucked on the holes in his flesh, drinking his blood. Soon enough, his ears started ringing, and lightheadedness crept in. He gripped the chain between his wrists just too feel something solid, glad that he was lying down, at least. By the time Asmodeum pulled away, licking droplets of blood from their lips, a dizzy haze had settled over Erebus. He closed his eyes, tears leaking out as she snuggled back into him, just hoping that this would all be over soon. In fact, maybe he would just...let the blackness take him...just for a little bit...so he didn’t have to be...awake…

Erebus’s mouth tasted like dried blood when he woke up, and Asmodeum was still wrapped around him tightly. She smiled when their eyes met. “Did you have a good little nap, my darling? I hope you don’t mind, but,” she gripped his chin, her thumb stroking his lips, “I had a little bit of fun with you while you were out of it.” A bit of...wait is that why his mouth tasted like-

“W-you-you can’t d-do that to me I-I don’t-” his voice broke, and he couldn’t breathe all of a sudden, no matter how many fast little breaths he sucked in, just get away, get away from me stop touching me don’t do that to me please please I don’t want that you can’t do that to me you can’t you can’t I never wanted that not from you not from anyone and now now now I-I’m-I’ve been-

He felt something solid press into his hands, and he realized that Asmodeum was standing in front of him, and that was his sword in his hands, he was sitting up now and that was his sword and Asmodeum was smiling they were holding out their arms to him they were ready they were ready they were laughing they were coughing up blood they were on the ground there was so much blood how much of it was his he wasn’t sure he didn’t know they reached up and he backed away he had to get away he couldn’t stay here a second longer she was dead she was dead she was already crumbling away and he had to go he wanted to rip off his own skin he could still feel her touching him where where where were his clothes where was the key to these manacles he had to go he-

Erebus dropped his sword. He fell to his knees. He buried his face in his hands.

And he screamed.

Tags: @dramaticcollapse @thehopelessopus @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi @galaxywhump @as-a-matter-of-whump

@mnmlover2002 @tears-and-lilies @yet-another-heathen @rippedjeansandfadeddreams @starnight-whump

@unicornscotty @thebewilderer @kixngiggles @itallstartedwithharry @inky-whump

@redstainedsocks @lonesome--hunter @his-unspoken-words @susiequaz12 @its-mysweetlittlesecret-blog

@whumpasaurus101 @patheticlittleguy @jadeocean46910 @whumpinggrounds @pumpkin-spice-whump

@suspicious-whumping-egg @befuddled-calico-whump @whump-in-the-closet @pumpkinsncoffee @aryox

@vampiresprite

#i wrote something #erebus & terror #erebus #asmodeum #creepy whumper #intimate whumper #nonhuman whumpee #demon whumper #noncon kiss #noncon touch #can i get a lmao in chat this guy is having the worst time of his life maybe #yeah shiori is human and normal and i meant it when i said they'd never see each other again #bro's neteri devotion is literally getting worse now that they're apart what is he DOING #i cant believe superhell isnt the healing environment he needs to process his trauma 😔#but yeah back when i was still in college and writing like chapters 3-6 ish of E&T (like him getting branded)#i was like ''okay but the bathing scene is soooo fun and sexy i want to write it right now''#so i did and then it sat there for 3 years #it's honestly really weird that it's out in the open now it's been My Secret Writing for SO long #had to make a lot of edits though and i can see how much ive improved since then like yeah let's GUT this bitch #asmodeum fucking sucks. sorry. they are the literal fucking worst #they're also technically genderfluid but since the way they're perceived is based on the person's attraction #erebus just gets female/androgynous vibes cuz he doesn't like men 👍#uh what else oh yeah we had to give him the kissing trauma. rare instance of me projecting write it down kids #god i started the final edit of this at 4:30 and i was like ''yeah i can have it ready by 5''#it's 5:51 you idiot

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spacesymbol · 5 months ago

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heyyyyy. crazy month and a half, am i right? 😅

my sincerest apologies for the truckload of reblogs.... plus even more sincere apologies if i reblogged a very old post of yours that you forgot about 😭

ive had those sitting in my drafts for a WHILE so that they wouldnt get drowned in my likes.... but i have some weird mental hangup about posting here without also posting a Life Update..... but i kept procrastinating actually writing a Life Update..... so here we are!!

anyways. that being said. LIFE UPDATE TIME!!!!! (no cut since theres actually some very important stuff in here)

first and somewhat foremost, i submitted SEVEN college applications exactly a month ago. for context, my entire applying list (as of right now) is only nine schools. and i procrastinated SO HARD on the application materials.... it was soooo bad. basically mid october to early november was the most stressed i have ever felt in recent memory 😁👍 and i coped with it soooo well, as i historically always do (sarcasm)

the fall play(s) also recently came and went!!! the rehearsal process wasnt that bad, it was moreso just anxiety provoking since i was constantly saying "yeah it (the show) will come together eventually" even when opening night was a few days away... but the show(s) did come together!! at least, my two scenes did. i honestly can't speak for anyone else, but my scenes both went fine during all three performances with minor errors, if any

although, the week of performances and the last few days of tech was so very brutal. i had to be in the theater until 8pm or later every single day of that week (november 18th to the 23rd), which meant i was in school for over twelve hours each school day. i had to put a lot of things on the backburner to focus on the show (and not losing my mind) that week, and schoolwork was one of them.... so i am currently once again in overdue assignments hell. my classes have been fine other than that though!!!

my mental, emotional, and physical health also definitely have been on the backburner for a WHILE now.... a wonderful example is how i havent seen my therapist in two months now, and for context, im supposed to see her once a week!!! so im clearly doing fine (sarcasm). its weird though, the play honestly wasnt that distressing for me, since i had already hit mental rock bottom earlier that month because of college applications

my physical health has also Not Been Good at all.... one of my scenes in the play (the gay one) involved a shit ton of stage falls.... and our stage is made of polished wood. we took all the necessary precautions to protect my bad knee (knee pads), but that didnt do much to prevent the ridiculous amount of bruising all over my body that i still have a week after the final show.....

eating has also been Bad. but i wont go into details about that 🫶 ive been able to keep having regular appointments with my dietitian, so genuinely dont worry about that. i will be fine!!

ive also been like. mentally checked out for a while, i guess. like i mentioned, ive been doing some research into dissociative disorders and symptoms to get more clarity on if im a system or not (which i do have an answer on btw), and i think the best term to describe it is depersonalization?

and uh. okay this is actually really important. about the system thing, i came to the conclusion after a LOT of research and self reflection that i do not think i am (or ever was) a plural system. i dont think i should post the entire esaay i wrote on how i came to this conclusion (because i dont think most of you want to read all that). but if any mutuals want, i am MORE than happy to dm the whole explanation, since i know it might raise some eyebrows that i suddenly dont identify that way anymore

however, the tldr is that im pretty sure i have dissociative amnesia instead, because i never once experienced amnesia between the personas that i thought were alters, and these personas were never really that separate from me, moreso extensions of me in terms of personality, if that makes sense. there were also some.... quirks of how my "system" operated that also made me suspicious, like how i was basically always frontstuck, and how my "frequent fronters" ALWAYS aligned with my interests at the time. i honestly think that i only arrived at the conclusion that i was a system in the first place because of the environment i was in at the time (the majority my friends at the time had the system realization and were talking about it), and the fact that no one ever really questioned me being one. which im NOT saying that i wish people had, since thats rightfully a very rude thing to do, but i definitely would have benefited from someone kindly calling all that into question, yknow?

the biggest takeaway though, should be that i didnt know until very recently. there is a world of difference between intentionally lying about being a system, and unknowingly being wrong about being a system. the MOMENT i started to suspect that i was wrong, i made it known here (in the previous Life Update) and on twitter, and i refrained from using any system terminology for myself until i came to a definitive conclusion, which i only did recently. additionally, i recently removed the system section from my pronouns dot cc, and my simplyplural account is still up, but obviously not in use

ummm. other personal updates.... im hopefully going to start legal and medical transition soon?? my stepsister (also trans) has been pushing my mom and stepdad for it as a result of the election, which sparks the conversation for me by extension

as you can probably tell by the majority of the recent reblogs, the release of season 2 reawakened my dormant arcane hyperfixation 😭 it somehow came back even stronger??? if any of you happen to remember my jayvik posting from november 2021, you deserve a spacesymbol elders discount....

what else..... oh um!!!! i had an awesome joe cool (snoopy) costume for halloween this year that i made extremely last minute :)

okay. okay!!!!!!! in terms of the future!!!! im on thanksgiving break right now until this tuesday and the break is Extremely welcome.... the spring musical (aka my final high school theater show) has already been announced, and its curtains, which should be exciting, but i dont have to think about that for a While....

in terms of like Immediately upcoming things, my schools robotics team has our first qualifier coming up so im gonna have to lock in on preparing for that soon.... for college stuff, i should be getting two decisions fairly soon (one from my early decision school and one from a rolling deadlines school), and i have two more applications for early january, but all i really have to do for them is finish writing their supplements..... so HOPEFULLY i should be slightly more active on here??? i feel like every time i say that i end up jinxing myself for inactivity, though. so honestly, who knows!!! but i dont really have as much of a Pressing Reason to not be active here, i guess

thats all.... jesus fuck i wrote a lot. my bad!!! no wonder i procrastinated writing this GODDAMN!!!!

#💭

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shadow-kid-cole · 4 months ago

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Rook asks!! 💐 What is the relationship Rook has with their faction mentor? What was the moment they sent Rook away like?

my rook is a veil jumper, and their relationship with strife has always been. a little tense. he’s just very no-nonsense and lin is nonsense all the time so! that’s their government assigned grandpa who doesn’t actually like them very much (he does in fact like them in an exasperated-fondness sort of way, he just. never tells them that.) in his mind, sending rook away was him hoping that they’d mature a little more out in the world and learn to stop getting themself into Situations, but in their mind it was him finally getting rid of them like he’d always wanted. they did not handle it well.

i do think that later in the game once they’ve reconnected a bit they get closer - he realizes that all their nonsense has always been a coping mechanism, and sees all the stress they’re under and tries to be a little more understanding. they see him make the effort, and start to realize that maybe he doesn’t hate them after all!

(this does culminate in strife dating emmrich and lin Losing Their Shit about it btw. he says his little line about not being back until morning and they just start screaming that’s their GRANDPA that’s so GROSS)

thanks so much for asking!!

#bailey answers #datv #my characters #lin aldwir #rook

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summercourtship · 1 year ago

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Um… hi Kyra! Be prepared bcs this will be a long one…

So, I finished KCU about four months ago, and let me just say that I think it’s a masterpiece, everything about it is perfect, one part in particular that I loved was how relatable the reader was (Believe it when I say it, it is HARD to do that, especially when you don’t know WHO is reading) I could definitely see myself doing exactly what she was doing! I loved how possessive Kylo Ren was and how he as also extremely conflicted about the reader herself, you managed to portray his turmoil really well! A part that BROKE me was when Leia was talking about how he got his soulmate phrase… Damn… you’re telling me this kid, that already thought of himself as a monster, was super happy that he HAD a soulmate, because that was a confirmation that he could be good and be loved unconditionally by someone, only to have his hopes CRUSHED when HIS MOTHER read to him what it said???!!!! DAAAANNGGG GIRL!!! You woke up and chose violence!!!!

But anyway, let’s get to the point that I wanted to get… ahem… if you’re comfortable… AND ONLY IF YOU’RE COMFORTABLE… (if not, ignore this part all together) I wanted to know if you have plans to continue it, i have been searching in your profile (stalking) for a reason why you stopped(not that i am obligated to have one!!) and the only thing i could find was that you stoped writing for KCU was bcs you felt that people wanted to end in a certain way and you didn’t (I could be wrong btw it has been a long time since I saw it) and that’s so sad! BUT I am really happy with the chapters we have! I love re-reading them! In the end you should put yourself first, if it’s not making you happy then you should not stress about it!

Also… if you don’t have any plans for it… I think it would be really cool if showed some BTS! I saw the other ask saying the same thing about STBOTDI (amazing fic btw) and i thought “hey it would be pretty neat if she did it for KCU too!” so if you’re feeling generous, feed this starving woman?

Anyway! thanks for listening to my rant! Thats all Folks

oh, kingdom come undone, my beloved. thank you so much for your kind words- it's been a while since I've looked back on KCU. I'm pretty sure I cackled when planning the part with Kylo's soulmark and the revelation about how it appeared because it's so sad lmao.

I do have plans to continue it, eventually. I want to go back and edit earlier chapters (and truly EDIT them, like overhaul level of editing) because I want to put it back on track to the vision I had for it originally. A big part of why I kinda fell out of love with writing it is because I felt like there was going to be a lot of people upset that I didn't make "Ben Solo" happen because fuck that shit, I like Kylo Ren bc he's a piece of shit who is sad sometimes not because he's an uwu soft baby who made a lil mistake.

But also, I started writing it in a really hard time- I had been dealing with extreme isolation due to both COVID and some things that happened with my friend group that ended up separating me from them (I had my family and I'm very grateful but there were months before I returned home from my college apartment because I wanted to be independent and believed it wasn't that bad and ended up just... not coping well with that, I'm afraid). I started planning KCU when I was in Pennsylvania for my grandmother's funeral and was writing it while dealing with extreme anxiety and depression combined with the struggles of being on different medications. So, while I do hold KCU in my heart and I love it, I do view it as a time capsule and know that I was writing it to distract myself from and cope with the shit I was dealing with. All of that makes it hard for me to go back to it because it feels very vulnerable, even if it doesn't come through in the text. I don't know if that makes sense.

BUT yes, I would love to one day go back, give it some TLC, and finally finish it for you all. I don't know if I have any BTS I could share right now because I really want to sit down with it and fix it, but once I'm comfortable with the state it is in, I will share.

Thank you so much. <3

#oops i got personal!!!!!!!!!!#ask #anon #kcu

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charlie-ver · 5 months ago

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so, Perseus has scars from blood magic right? but what else does he have scars from? and what's up with his eye?

You have awoken the Yap!! Thank you!! (cw for sh mention btw, will not be graphic though! also there's some bloody art but nothing straight up gory)

I didn't want to on on too many tangents (I still did) so if there's ANYTHING you need clarified. You know what to do <:

Ok, so, fun fact, none of his scars are directly from the use of his magic. <: He does have to injure himself to perform, yes, but he's always able to heal it. He does, however, use the opportunities of being injured to do his thing, if he's got enough adrenaline.

All of the small ones which I never outline - on his arms and thighs - are from selfharm. He's got enough trouble in life, and never really learned better or less harmful coping mechanisms. And that's what it is. A coping mechanism.

The cross and the side-scar (old art, don't have better - the man's got a lot of body image issues so I don't draw him without a shirt much as it wouldn't be canonical):

So the side one is older - it's from the Trials, a final death-to-death fights between the students of the Hunters' Academy. He wasn't able to fully heal it due to the Trials being, obviously, a high-stress situation. This once was from his last deciding fight of life/death, so it was a lot more strain on him than the other ones.

The cross. That is, beside the selfharm ones, the one scar he genuinely dislikes. It's from his death - on a hunt, Percy got separated from his then-unit and stumbled upon a Cormede, which killed him. A Cormede is supposedly a spirit-like creature (still working on that) which feeds exclusively by devouring human and animal hearts - the name is from Cor Comedentis, or Heart Eater. It tends to break the skin and tissue over the heart by a crossing incision. So, yes, this scar is from Percy's death - had to walk after having your chest ripped open and your heart eaten. He comes back to life later, bearing the scar as a "defect," essentially - whenever was his body being rebuilt, it did so from the memory and could not "close" the wound entirely because it could not remember its original look. Also, unless there is an interference from a god, wounds resulting in death of the individual are hard to close and that's also why self-resurrection is basically thought impossible.

The eye? The eye. OH THE EYE. (old art again but the best shot I can get my hand on rn)

So, since the new scar is not exactly established yet (it would be in the past of current-lore, but I need to work on the so it is in the wip bin for now), this set is the most recent in terms of those which are relevant. This scar is a lovely gift from Percy's mother-in-law - well, at the time she bestowed this upon him, he was not yet even dating Ignis, but they have been in the "too dumb to think the other might like him back" phase. Like they made out the same week Percy got these scars.

SO, the Hunters were on a job - some rebellion that needed to be gotten rid of, a small thing, but one that could have rather awful consequences, hence why the Hunters bothered with it at all. Except, it was a ruse! It was all set up by Ga'ara Azario, the mother of Ignis Azario, the aforementioned future mil of Percy. Ga'ara is a very controlling bitch, and Ignis is not only a special kind of a magician, but a special kind within that special kind - a pure elemental magician who has mastered two elements in his lifetime.

Back to Percy - Ga'ara attempted to draw his magic out of him - an act which would kill him - which she wanted to do because, when she tried to immobilize him with a soul-binding spell, it didn't work. So she summoned up a creature to do it for her. The way it injured Percy was over his eye, but it didn't work, because you do not simply injure a blood magician. If you do, you have to injure them more than you think you need.

(also old art sorryyyyy)

And why is it blue? As you can see, his blood turns into a blue glow when he's using his magic. And that's why. As the injury over his eyes was meant to draw all of his magic out, it's kind of a "leak", you could say. So that's why it's a different color actually. The magic just kind of... Stayed in there? Didn't go all the way back in? But it doesn't matter much, since his medium is blood - it can replenish itself - and so can his magic. The human body does replace blood, like after an injury or a nosebleed or a donation - so that's how it work for Percy, as after the came back to life, his blood was more... entwined? With his magic? AKA no need to do sigils for everything anymore. Yay!

The one I'm planning will have been from a period where Ga'ara semi-possessed and pretty much kidnapped Ignis, which had Percy of course doing his best to track them down. He gets injured during an interrogation he's doing, but gets distracted with a brief moment of Morals Popping Up ("soul = moral compass" concept stuff, as he technically doesn't have it, he has to work hard to re-establish and KEEP his moral compass. Emphasis on keep. If Ignis is in danger? This man does not care for much else than finding his husband.) and the person he was interrogating took his dagger and just slashed him across his abdomen. Yep that's it.

#art #digital art #pollutedghostart #pollutedghostocs #oc tag: perseus charles birchwood #oc yap #the yappening

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thegrandlinesimp · 3 years ago

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Hii! I saw your autism awareness event and I think it's so cool that you're doing this! Last year I found out I have autism and things finally made sense to me after all these years. So I'd like to request something for this event ☺️

May I request Zoro/Law with 'Reaction to first seeing their s/o have a shutdown'. I suffer from panic attacks (luckily I'm doing a lot better lately, but oof). So this prompt feels recognisable :)

Thank you 💕

As requested over PM I switched out Law for Bartolomeo (my simpy cutie!)

Panic attacks aren’t a far cry from shutdowns in my own experience (I get both so I gotta do an assessment on how I feel when I know one is coming on cause my coping for each is vastly different). For me the main differences are how fast my heart is going and if I can talk, for both there’s still that general sense of fear, that everyone is looking at me.

I get things making sense, I went through all of school not knowing I had autism (turns out my parents had an inclining but never got me tested) and literally 2-3 weeks before finals in my last year I got tested.

Fun bombshell.

Case in point: IF YOU THINK YOU OR YOUR CHILD HAS AUTISM GET THE TEST DONE!!! THIS GOES FOR ANYTHING!!! DOWN SYNDROME, ADD, ADHD, SCHIZOPHRENIA!!! ANYTHING!!!

Note: Barto’s one is with an S/O whose shutdown was induced by stress, yes, this can happen, I was once so stressed I had them weekly for three weeks straight 😊 fun times

BTW: anything written like this is information pertaining to autism that helps add context and is written in such a way that one’s eyes are drawn to it but is easier to ignore than if it was in bold.

Warning: Zoro’s is a bit panic inducing, proceed with caution!

Zoro and Bartolomeo: first time seeing their autistic!S/O have a shutdown

Zoro

Again, I feel this would happen at a famous Straw Hat party, and pretty early in the relationship too

Tbh this dummy doesn’t really notice anything wrong till someone points you out to him, too busy taking part in tasting the local drink

But when some local says “that pirate’s acting pretty weird” he gets worried

He knows you’re different, you explained it to him as best as you could, and he recalls you saying something about “turning off” when you get sensitive

When he sees you, he wishes he listened better

You’ve found a secluded spot not too far from the ship, probably having tried to make it there before you shutdown fully

Laying on your side, body tense yet there’s little twitches in your limbs every now and then, knees pulled up and hands clutched to your chest, they’re twitching the most

Then he realises they’re not twitching

You’re scratching…

No, clawing at your own skin!

This is also known as self-harm stimming, where the person is unable to help but hurt themselves as a means to get out of the current state they’re in. such actions include scratching one’s skin long after it bleeds, hitting oneself, using objects to self-harm. From personal experience the need to do so is incredibly strong and occurs more when in a depressive state followed by an anxious state, such as a shutdown

As soon as he realises this, his immediate instinct is to grab your wrists as he shouts for you to stop

You want to scream at the sudden touch, kick out, flail, yet your body tenses, knees curling up tighter to your chest, breath coming in little gasps as you curl in on yourself mentally and physically

Zoro’s stomach flips at your reaction, but he holds fast, keeping a firm – near bruising – grip on your arms, thinking to himself that whatever discomfort you’re feeling is better than adding to the flecks of blood under your fingernails

Even with your eyes squeezed shut, you can feel his intense gaze on you, which only worsens the numb inducing terror pumping through your veins

Too many eyes, hands to tight, everything too loud, too much too much too much, helphelphelphelp!

You want to shout it all at him yet you can’t even open your mouth

It’s Robin who finds the two of you, within seconds she’s assessed the situation and takes immediate action, telling Zoro to keep holding you while she runs to the ship

She ends up coming back with Chopper, who saw her dashing about and knew something was up for the woman to be in such a state

Robin carefully drapes a blanket over you, and Chopper changes into his Walk Point form, laying the front half of his body across yours

The reindeer says Zoro can let go of you now, which he does very reluctantly

It surprises the swordsman when you seem to cling to Chopper’s fur, the young doctor flinching a little at the tight grip but not voicing any discomfort

When you eventually calm down, Chopper carries you back to the ship on his back, not caring if you’re too heavy, he patches your cuts (thankfully not too deep) and has you rest in the infirmary for the remainder of the crew’s stay at the island

Zoro watches you for the next few weeks like a hawk, Chopper ends up having to explain exactly what happened

He promises to do better for you, asking the ship’s doctor dozens of questions to better prepare himself

He’s gonna feel guilty when he realises that he made the whole thing worse, give him time, tell him he didn’t know and you forgive him, he’ll come around

(there weren't enough gifs on here to I grabbed one off google, and the fact that this gif isn't available on Tumblr is a sin)

Bartolomeo

Thankfully he does better than the previously mentioned green haired boy

Honestly the day was lovely, strong wind filling the Going Luffy-Senpai’s (I will never get over this ship’s name) sails, bringing with it the crips smell of the sea and rolling waves

Surprisingly good weather for the Grand Line

Bartolomeo was cheery as ever, ready for his crew’s next adventure

Only, he couldn’t seem to find his number one partner in crime, you

It was odd, you were usually out on deck, soaking up the warm sun or shouting profanities at oncoming storms, so to not have your lively presence on deck was making him a little uneasy

He eventually finds you in your shared cabin, wrapped up in a bunch of blankets, curled up on the bed

Of course, his immediate thought is: ‘cuddles!’

As one can guess this didn’t go well

The moment he goes to climb into bed next to you, you let out a soft, short, high-pitched whine

He pauses, having never heard you make that sound

“Ev-…everything okay, babe?” he asks as he reaches out to place a hand on your shoulder

Only for you to flinch again, whining once more

Bartolomeo starts to panic, were you hurt? Why didn’t you say anything to him? Why didn’t you tell him? What was going on?!

“…No…touch…” you manage to mumble, curling up tighter

Now, Bartolomeo isn’t the smartest man, but he has a decent memory, and he remembers you telling him about your autism, how sometimes you just didn’t want to be touched because it upset you

…Or…or something like that?

His first thought is to make a funny face to make you laugh, if you laugh you won’t be upset anymore, right?

Hmm, but you don’t seem to want to move, and you’re hiding under the blanket

Favourite food? No, you need to move for that as well…

And then he has a brilliant idea…that – obviously – involves the Straw Hats

He pulls out a scrap book from a draw, flipping through the various newspaper clippings before coming across one of the funniest news articles involving Luffy-senpai and his crew

Bartolomeo sits down on the floor with his back against the bed, and begins to read

He tries to keep his voice as quiet as possible, recalling you saying you hate shouting when you’re ‘upset’, though he does get a little excitable and ends up giggling every now and then

It’s by the fourth news article that you begin to giggle along with him

Once he’s finished the article he turns to grin at you, but his smile falls when he sees you’ve been crying

“Cuddle?” you whisper, a faint smile on your face

He returns the smile, climbing onto the covers so as not to disturb your blanket cocoon and wrapping his arms around you

He doesn’t mind that you don’t feel like talking right now, there’s plenty of time for you to explain everything to him later

#roronoa zoro #bartolomeo #bartolomeo x reader #zoro x reader #one piece #one piece headcanons #autism awareness event #fluff #angst #autism #my writing

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seyvetch · 3 years ago

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Hey update from Russia here. As much as I hate to replace my current pinned post I think Ill have to pin this one for the time being.

myIm not saying Im having it worse than people in Ukraine and I didnt want any conflict between Russians and Ukranians in the first place. But I am going to talk about my expiriences so recovering from covid and catching up on college been wearing me down even tho Ive been becoming a bit more lively. Then y

Today I couldnt buy my antidepressants bc pharmacies dont have them. I might have not been showing it much but its been a tough time for me concidering the current situation. I am still recovering from covid and catching up on college been wearing me down even tho Ive been becoming a bit more lively. Then my country invaded Ukraine. It was majorly stressful on its own aswell as me fearing I might get drafted to this horrible conflict.

Then the sanctions came aswell as a lot of people starting to see ALL Russians in a negative light. Ok I thought nothing I cant get through. Ill just use some escapism into my favourite games.

Steam stopped accepting payments. Warframe, my favourite game, one of my favourite things in life, stopped accepting payments. The last one really hit me. I felt like a piece of my soul died.

How is restricting access to games gonna stop Putin? Is this supposed to get players riled up so they go to protests? Do they realise how much risk it is to go to protests in Russia? It doesnt work and the only thing you get from going there is you get beaten up and jailed. You cant even state your opinion agianst the actions of the government currently on Russian social media without the risk of being arrested. Im walking on thin fucking ice right now btw by telling you that Im against the conflict.

That all aswell as being a closted queer person in Russia is really stressing me out. Aswell as p much erasure and demonisation of Russian culture as a whole worldwide.

My mental health is declining. I cant even get access to medication nor coping mechanisms to get better even tho I have some of each left. I have 3 days worth of meds. Aswell as supportive friends who are like the main thing that keeps me going. Im not gonna lie to you Im starting to have intrusive suicidal thoughts again. After all this time I was getting better and I thought I finally got rid of them.

After all this time recovering Im shoved into this and forced to confront the reality without a way to escape meanwhile when I tried arguing in the comments of the tweet by Warframe announicing that they stop accepting transactions from Russia (even though due to other companies who handle the transactions pullying out it was already impossible) that perhaps it wasnt the right decision and they are hurting their loyal players who had nothing to do with the decisoin by an athorotative regime and that it wouldnt make a dent in Putin's decision of invading Ukraine Im told to put things into perspective and that my siffering isnt as great as suffering of people being slaughtered by my country so I should stop complaining.

Im trying to hold on guys but its getting harder by the day. If this continues on I might not be able to handle college due to mental exhaustion and depression.

By all means support Ukraine but please dont do unnesecery damage to people of Russia. It wont help anyone.

#update #Russia #Ukraine #Warframe #important

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hacawijo · 4 years ago

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Alright, If We’re Gonna Play with Az’s Bonus Chapter, Let’s PLAY with Az’s Bonus Chapter (Pt. 1)

I’m going to do a close reading of this bonus chapter, because this whole thing is stressing me out and I want to write out what I think I know what I definitely know and what I’m worried about. Here. We. Go.

I’m not going to directly quote supporting info in this post, but I will be using a LOT of quotes in the next few weeks, so if anyone wants me to confirm a certain statement I’m making here just let me know and I’ll drop the receipts :)

Also this is super long but I had a lot of thoughts I’m excited about! My commentary is in bold italics!

The river house had finally fallen quiet after the raucous Winter Solstice party, the faelights dimming to cast little pools of gold amid the deep shadow here is an example of contrast between light and dark, which many have made salient points on regarding the counterbalance of Elain/Azriel and their relationship of the longest night of the year.

Amren, Mor, and Varian had finally gone to bed, but Azriel found himself lingering downstairs.

He knew he should get some sleep. He’d need it come dawn, for the snowball battle up at the cabin. Cassian had mentioned no less than six times tonight that he had a secret plan regarding his so-called impending victory. Az had let his brother boast. Especially since Azriel had been planning his own victory for a year now. Had been planning his own victory for a year now, and had one the past 199 years’ worth of fights.

Cassian wouldn’t know what was coming for him. And Az fully planned on capitalizing on the fact that Nesta likely wouldn’t let Cassian sleep much tonight.

Az snickered to himself, to the listening shadows around him. Note the differentiation between himself and the shadows around him - he snickers to them outside of himself, as they are not HIM, they are his companions.

Sleep, they seemed to whisper in his ear. Sleep.

I wish I could, he answered silently. But sleep so rarely found him these days. Again, engaging in a conversation with them. Though he does say that they SEEMED to whisper sleep, which is interesting. He seems to communicate with them beyond worded language, this is a case where he’s translating whatever that communication is into words.

Too many razor-sharp thoughts sliced him any time he grew still long enough for them to strike Yeah this guy needs some therapy for sure, love him but this feels very much like the state of avoidance that Nesta found herself in. Too many wants and needs left his skin overheated and pulling taut across his bones. so he slept only when his body gave out, and even then only for a few hours. This feels very much like an extreme, one that certainly didn’t exist all of the time with Mor (otherwise he’s truly not been sleeping for…ever). I have a very, very hard time believing he would have this reaction because of lust or a coveting kind of obsession.

Azriel surveyed the empty family room, presents and ribbons littering the furniture. Cassian and Nesta hadn’t reappeared downstairs, though that came as no surprise. He was elated for his brother, and yet...

Azriel couldn’t stop it. The envy in his chest. Of Cassian, and Rhys. This is almost exactly the sentiment expressed by Cassian in ACOFAS/ACOSF

He knew he’d be swallowed by it if he went up to his bedroom, so he’d remained down here by the dying light of the fire.

But even the silence weighed too heavily, and though the shadows kept him company, as they always had, as they always would, he found himself leaving the room. Entering the foyer. Entering the foyer for what? Entering in order to go to bed? Or was he drawn there, somehow knowing Elain would be there? I really don’t know the answer and I don’t have a preference as to whether or not they are mates, but it’s worth thinking about. Also important to note that the SHADOWS ARE NOT ENOUGH FOR AZRIEL. They are his friends, an important coping mechanism, but they are not the sum of who he is, nor do they even represent the part of himself that is most realized or fulfilled.

Soft steps padded from under the stair archway, and there she was.

The faelights gilded Elain’s unbound hair, making her glow like the sun at dawn. She halted, her breath catching in her throat. Again, imagery to highlight a contrast between the two of them, Elain as the sun at dawn. Note that it’s talking about dawn, not day. SJM has repeatedly used language about Summer, Dawn, Spring and such to describe Elain, which makes me wonder if her light is meant to transcend the courts - in the same way that the shadows are not the sum of Azriel, the sun (the Day, the Dawn, Spring, Summer etc.) is not the sum of Elain.

“I...” He watched her swallow. She clutched a small gift in her hands. “I was coming to leave this on your pile of presents. I forgot to give it to you earlier.” One thing I noticed on closer examination, she went downstairs to leave it in his pile, not to see him. I wonder if it hurts her to be around HIM as well. Elain has said several times in this book (either on the page or in second- or third-hand account) that she is committed to this court, and I wonder if that same commitment that had her going to the Hewn City is what also has prevented her from ending things with Lucien. It’s not in her nature to be disingenuous, and so she cannot fake certain feelings for him, but it IS in her nature to be selfless, and she probably understands what their mating bond means and how important Lucien’s alliance is. I wonder also if she is unsure as to Azriel’s feelings or if she knows somehow, as Azriel sort of implies she might below.

Lie. Well, the second part was a lie. He didn’t need his shadows to read her tone, the slight tightening of her face. She’d waited until everyone was asleep before venturing down, where she’d leave her gift amongst his other, opened presents, subtle and unnoticed. This is another instance in which Azriel sees her when no one else does, even when she’s not intending or someone to see her. Also, of course, important to note that he can read her without his shadows - a crutch that he uses in interactions with many other people.

Elain closed the distance, and her breathing quickened as she again paused, now a scant foot away. She extended the wrapped gift, her hand shaking. “Here.” Elain makes ALL the moves in this scene - she approaches him, she asks him to put the necklace on her, she leans in, she says yes etc. etc. I think Azriel is actually very respectful and restrained throughout this whole interaction.

Az tried not to look at his scarred fingers as they took the gift. Azriel is ashamed of his scars, and is ashamed of them with Feyre and Mor as well as Elain, this is an across-the-board part of his characterization. She hadn’t bought her mate a present. But she’d gotten Azriel one last year — a headache powder he kept on his nightstand at the House of Wind The headache powder: proof that Elain has been seeing him - specifically seeing him rub his temples. Not to use, but to look at. Which he’d done every night he’d slept there. Or attempted to sleep there.

Azriel unwrapped the box, glancing at the card that merely said, You might find these useful at the House these days, and then opened the lid. Elain is not a casual person, she can’t even handle it when Feyre (her sister) tries to talk to her and Nesta (her other sister) privately about High Fae menstruation. For every lack of flourish or formality that Elain gives Azriel, that is another measured degree of comfort she feels with him - she wouldn’t give an unsigned, familiar note to just anyone.

Two small, bean-shaped fabric blobs lay within. Elain murmured, “You put them in your ears, and they block any sound. With Nesta and Cassian living there with you...”

He chuckled, unable to suppress the impulse. “No wonder you didn’t want me to open it in front of everyone.”

Elain’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Nesta wouldn’t appreciate the joke.” Elain and Azriel have similar senses of humor. Not necessarily in content, but in the way it sort of crops up off-the-cuff and sometimes unnoticed. I like that Elain makes him laugh.

He offered a smile back. “I wasn’t sure if I should give you your present.”

He left the rest unspoken. Because her mate was here, sleeping a level up. Because her mate had been in the family room and Azriel had needed to stay by the door the whole time because he couldn’t stand the sight of it, the scent of their mating bond, and needed to have the option of leaving if it became too much.

Elain’s large brown eyes flickered, well aware of all that. Just as he knew she was well aware of why Azriel so rarely came to family dinners these days. Alright so, this is really curious. Does this mean that they both seem to be aware of the other’s feelings AND aware that the other is aware of their feelings? I really do wonder if, in this case, Az is an unreliable narrator- maybe assuming more certainty of Elain than she actually has. Again, I don’t think he would have such a visceral reaction to Elain and Lucien being in the same room (and not even close to each other at all) if he was just infatuated or in lust with her

But tonight, here in the dark and quiet more juxtaposition, with no one to see... no one to see, except the two of them, who always see more than others and who always see each other more than anyone else He pulled the small velvet box from the shadows around him. Opened it for her.

Elain sucked in a soft breath that whispered over his skin. His shadows skittered back at the sound. They’d always been prone to vanish when she was around. If Azriel is aware of the fact that his shadows disappear around Elain, and is still almost certainly in love with Elain, I think we can gather that it’s a positive thing for his shadows to give them privacy- which- btw, is what I think they are doing. The shadows feel to Azriel, to me, the way that the HoW feels to Nesta. The HoW doesn’t dislike Cassian, but also doesn’t need to be as diligent with Nesta when he’s around, because the House trusts Cassian with her.

The golden necklace seemed ordinary — it’s chain unremarkable, the amulet tiny enough that it could be dismissed as an everyday charm. It was a small, flat rose fashioned of stained glass, designed so that when held to the light, the truth depth of the colors would become visible. A thing of secret, lovely beauty. So I don’t think he’s saying that Elain is a thing here. I think he’s saying that HIS FEELINGS for her are a thing of secret, lovely beauty. It’s been made pretty clear that Elain’s physical AND inner beauty are decidedly visible and prominent. She is, the opposite of secret- though she is often described as lovely. I think what’s more interesting here is the time dedicated to describing this gift and the time dedicated to describing Lucien’s gift of pearl earrings (more on that later, but spoiler-alert, that’s the extent of the description)

“It’s beautiful,” she whispered, lifting it from the box. The golden faelight shone through the little glass facets this word choice is notable because it’s an indication of layers and depth and different sides, setting the charm glowing with hues of red and pink and white. Azriel let his shadows he let them do it, again the way he interacts with his shadows does not make it seem like they ARE him. It would probably say “Azriel’s shadows whisked away the box” or “Azriel used his shadows to…” etc. whisk away the box as she said softly, “Put it on me?” Again, Elain is driving the action

His head went quiet. But he took the necklace, opening the clasp as she exposed her back sweeping her hair up in one hand to bare her long, creamy neck. That this situation is described in such slow, delicate detail evokes a sense of intimacy and gravity to the reader. Every tiny piece of this little bite of interaction means something to Azriel and probably to Elain.

He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her. Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin this word choice is admittedly a little strange, but the use of this and later of the word sacrilege is FAR from the first time SJM uses religiously-coded language to describe a romantic/sexual/intimate situation. In this very book, Cassian describes his sex with Nesta “as close to a religious experience” as he’d ever gotten - furthermore, there is often talk of the worship of bodies. More on this in another post! ALSO, of course he thinks about touching her in relation to himself. He is himself, for one thing, for another, one of the most reinforced aspects of Azriel’s character that has been made clear to us as readers is his belief that he is unworthy. This comes up not at all just with Elain, it comes up everywhere. It comes up when Azriel volunteers for the most dangerous assignments, it comes up with Mor A LOT, it comes up with Rhys and Cassian. I HAVE A LOT MORE TO SAY ABOUT AZRIEL SO I JUST NEED TO STOP TYPING RIGHT N. Letting them brush the side of her throat, savoring the velvet-soft texture. Elain shivered that’s hot and he took a damn long time fastening the clasp.

Azriel’s fingers lingered at her nape, atop the first knob of her spine SUCH precise language, so agonizing. Slowly, Elain pivoted into his touch. Until his palm lay flat against her neck.

It had never gone this far. They’d exchanged looks, the occasional brush of their fingers, but never this. Never blatant, unrestricted touching. Another important line in reiterating the fact that there are two people participating in this interaction and the broader relationship, with the use of ‘exchanged’ and ‘their.’ It could easily also say something like, “Azriel had never gone this far. She’d sometimes caught him looking at her and he her, and every so often he’d taken the risk of brushing his fingers against hers.” Elain’s agency in these interactions and this relationship is SO IMPORTANT! It is the difference between Az viewing Elain as a two-dimensional and unattainable figure and as a real person with wants and needs.

Wrong — it was so wrong. Azriel knows, just as well as Rhys, what is at stake in Elain’s relationship with Lucien. He also has reverence for the mating bond in the same way that many other fae and faeries do. Of course he thinks it’s wrong!

He didn’t care.

He needed to know what the skin of her neck tasted like. What those perfect lips tasted like. Her breasts. Her sex. He needed her coming on his tongue — There is literally so much talk in Feysand and Nessian of tasting and eating out. Both Rhys and Cassian make it very clear that they spent a lot of time thinking about what their partners would taste like and how they might go about finding out for sure.

Azriel’s cock strained behind his pants, aching so fiercely he could hardly think. He prayed she didn’t peer down. Prayed she didn’t understand the shift in his scent.

He had only allowed himself these thoughts in the dead of night. Because he knows it’s a fool’s hope. He never thinks about this as a viable path! Had only allowed his hand to fist his cock and think about her then, when even his shadows had gone to sleep again a recognition of the separation between him and his shadows. How that beautiful face might appear as he entered her, what sounds she’d make. See above: Nessian and Feysand are just as dirty and graphic (especially Nessian) and Rhys and Cassian are JUST AS WORSHIPFUL of their partners.

Elain bit her lower lip, and it took every ounce Azriel’s restraint to keep from putting his own teeth there.

“I should go,” Elain said, but made no move to leave. Again, they are BOTH cognizant, I think, of the risks and dynamics at play here.

“Yes,” he said, his thumb sweeping in long strokes along the side of her throat.

Her arousal drifted up to him, and his eyes nearly rolled back in his head at the sweet scent. He’d beg on his knees for a chance to taste it Rhys’s WHOLE THING is that he kneels before Feyre in reverence. But Azriel just stroked her neck again. SJM repeatedly uses the scent of arousal as a way to confirm sexual interest beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Elain shuddered, drifting closer. So close one deep breath would brush her breasts against his chest. She looked up at him, her face so trusting and hopeful and open that he knew she had no idea that he had done unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars. I personally think this is Azriel being self-deprecating. I think that Elain is a seer, and probably has some idea of what Azriel does. Does this mean he puts her on a pedestal or that he views her as pure? It’s possible, but I think Azriel views most people whom he loves as pure compared to himself in one way or another— even Cassian. There is a line I’ll cite eventually where Rhys muses on the similarities between himself and Azriel, since Rhys is the only person Azriel allows to see the full scope of his rage. Ditto with the pedestal.

Such terrible things that it was a sacrilege same story as my point above on the word immaculate, but again I do totally admit that it’s a strange word. I just think that we have had so little of Azriel’s perspective that we can’t really say whether this is a perversion of his connection to Elain or if this is a regular sort of attitude for him for his fingers to touch her skin, tainting her with his presence.

But he could have this. This one moment, and maybe a taste, and that would be it. AND THAT WOULD BE IT. HE DOESN’T THINK IT WILL GO FURTHER!

“Yes,” Elain breathed, like she read the decision. You fucking go Elain get that ass Just this taste in the dead of the longest night of the year, where only the Mother interesting choice of words given Nesta’s association with the Mother and Nesta’s apparent tacit acceptance of Azriel’s feelings for Elain (more on that later) might witness them.

Azriel’s hand slid up her neck, burying in her thick hair. Tilting her face the way he wanted it. Elain’s mouth parted slightly, her eyes scanning his before flirting shut.

Offer and permission. OFFER AND PERMISSION. ELAIN WANTS THE SHADOWSINGER D!!!!!

He nearly groaned with relief and need as he lowered his head toward hers.

Azriel. And suddenly, the one time they both are comfortable with how they’re being seen (that Azriel is being seen by no one else BUT Elain, that Elain is finally being seen intimately, by someone, in the dark, namely, AZRIEL)

Rhys’s voice thundered through him, halting him mere inches from Elain’s sweet mouth.

Azriel. So if you were to ask me what the biggest sign of Elriel’s longevity in this chapter is, it is this: that they did not kiss. SJM built a very tightly worded and wound tension around this moment with her language, and. the fact that it is not fulfilled is frustrating, right? We know that he touched the knob of her spine - we know that she shivered. For that level of intimacy not to end in a kiss, means something. Rhys could easily have interrupted them after their lips had already touched, and if this relationship were a device serving another, that’s what would have happened.

SJM knows that the tension is built and unfulfilled, and I think she also knows that this wouldn’t have been the right time for them to have their first kiss - which is what I think many readers have noticed in so many words. Where my thoughts differ is that I think SJM is walking a line between romantically coding the moment AND acknowledging that this moment is not ideal, and that it doesn’t deserve to be fulfilled satisfyingly, especially given Azriel’s self-loathing. MORE LATER :) Which should maybe be my catchphrase.

Also, them not kissing can’t just be about the fact that it’s a bonus chapter. You can’t make that argument about their not-kiss and then argue that the interaction with Gwyn is essential to the coming story. Which, I think it is significant, by the way, I’m just not sure how yet :P

Unrelenting command filled his name, and Azriel looked up. Rhysand stood atop the staircase. Glowering down at them.

My office. Now.

Rhys vanished, and Azriel was left standing before Elain, who still awaited his kiss. His stomach twisted as he pulled his hand away from her hair and stepped back. Forced himself to say, “This was a mistake.” UGH. The capital P Pain.

She opened her eyes, hurt and confusion warring there before she whispered, “I’m sorry.” See, this reaction makes me think that she is not as aware of his feelings as he thinks she is. That she later returns the necklace (or did she?) reinforces this. I think that if she was certain how he felt about her, she would be frustrated and maybe angry in the way that she has responded to Feyre’s comments about her mating bond with Lucien, not hurt and confused.

“You don’t — Don’t apologize,” he managed to say. “Never apologize. It’s I who should...” He shook his head, unable to stand the bleakness he’d brought to her expression. “Goodnight.” But at least it definitely confirms her feelings to Azriel.

PART II IS BEING POSTED BACK-TO-BACK!

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