#this is my fourth attempt of posting this

[mvrdermeharder]

Part 2 of Kaiser-goal analysis

[This post is a continuation to my previous one, where I tried to theorize how Kaiser’s goal celebrations differ from other strikers’ and the reason(s) behind it. I highly recommend you to read that first. I’ll also edit this post and link the third part here, when I upload that.]

[Also, tagging u @pixie05love <3]

Okay so, in this part I want to talk about what happens between the third and fourth goal: the failed attempt of the Magnus (the culmination point of Kaiser’s desperation to reestablish and reinforce his shaken self-esteem) and the events leading up to it. I think it’s important to recap these events and Kaiser’s down spiral to have a better understanding of the Magnus and it’s significance later on.

Reaction to defeat:

We have left off with the results of his shameful third goal: he fixates on Isagi more than ever, not bothering to award Ness. The game ends, with his rival as the ultimate victor. And just like after his latest goal, he tries to hold it together: covers his expression with his hair, head held down, being silent. But he obviously can’t take it anymore: his frustrations break through the surface completely, even though Ness isn’t there this time to “provoke” Kaiser’s ire.

(I am NOT placing the blame on Ness for how Kaiser responds to him in a verbally abusive way. That is not what I’m getting at. Just to be clear.)

And I want to note the obvious difference between these two responses to a loss: at first, his anger is icy and chilling, we get to see his vicious expression and eyes (they are the focal point of the panel) and it literally freezes Ness. He’s mad, it’s showing, but he still stands straight as the bet is not lost just yet. At the end however, his anger is loud and startling, he is hunched over, expression covered with shadows. He’s even more on the edge of an identity crisis, embarrassingly losing the bet that he had proposed in the first place, and having his self-obtained “humanity” (causing pain to others) ripped away from him.

So obviously, he doesn’t give a shit about his new offer. Prestige, wealth, and an escape from BM are only secondary goals: they do not “make him human”, only causing despair does. That is the source of his ego. And so, we get to the first self-harm scene.

Psychology behind the self-harm:

I think it can be interpreted in multiple ways, as there isn’t a clear indicator whether he’s punishing himself intentionally or subconsciously. I am PERSONALLY leaning towards the second possibility because of this one reason: he’s feeling like “shitty trash”. And how I see it, this feeling isn’t evoked by him choking himself, it’s quite the opposite, actually.

It is the same phrase his father had told him while putting his hands on Kaiser’s neck, the exact words Kaiser used to identify himself with as a young boy. But for a while now, he’s been considering himself as someone with success, who has built up his humanity, and so feeling like trash again this suddenly could’ve triggered his memories of the times he felt this way the strongest = under his father (who had spat these terrible things in his face) being totally helpless, with a pressure around his neck.

In short: he’s feeling worse than ever -> it triggers his ptsd of the most intense moment he’d felt this exact same way -> he’s reliving the memory -> subconsciously chokes himself, to imitate the situation in real time.

(But, as I’ve said, this is only my interpretation. I do not study psychology, nor do I have personal experience with ptsd and trauma responses.)

Between the Ubers game and the PxG one, we first see Kaiser at practice, as he acknowledges that he can’t gain back his feelings of comfort unless he beats Isagi. Later on the same day, we get to the second time he chokes himself. With recordings of Isagi playing in the background, he is literally facing his own defeat over and over again. It would be no wonder if the reasons behind his self-harm were the same ones that I had theorized regarding the first instance (feeling like trash more than ever -> subconsciously imitating a traumatic moment)

But there is another possibility as well. It’s now crystal clear to him that crushing Isagi is the end all be all. So, maybe, to come up with a way to do just that, he is intentionally placing even more pressure on himself (both figuratively and literally) to find a way out. He overwhelms his psyche on purpose, so that his base instincts for survival would kick in, searching for newfound inspiration to escape the situation. And it works:

Magnus’ failed attempt:

After Isagi scores the first goal, Kaiser’s situation is even worse. Not only is his one satisfaction of ruining other’s careers is being ripped away, but also his other accomplishments (his position, his team). Now even more things are at stake. Again, his anger is loud, bigger than ever.

But he puts a lid on his frustrations again, maybe so as not to scare Ness away; after all he needs him to set up his goal. But his emotions and desperation are clearly showing, they make him utterly irrational. Which costs him a miskick.

And at this moment, we have finally arrived at the pinnacle of his accumulated despair: for the very first time we can clearly see and observe every detail of his overwhelming frustration on his face: his hair is completely out of the way and there are no shadows to cover his expression either.

(I know this last part about the failed attempt is more of a recap, but some parts that I’ve mentioned will be important regarding the actual Magnus analysis itself… or at least I think so…)

Edit! Read part 3 here!

[koallebear]

i love how copper ages, the colors are so pretty! do you think a part of pearl still twinkles every now and again?

[lalalychee]

closer than you know

i've been working on this painting for over 3 months and i am exhausted 💀 so excited to be done with it. i'm really proud of it though!! it's definitely the most detailed painting i've done in quite some time.

(please be sure to zoom in to see all the little details i worked so hard on!)

[beatleswings]

[running-with-the-feels]

I finished it.

I couldn't manage to use the whole song (mainly bc there aren't enough images of Fox in the comics) but I got most of it (song is: Harpy Hare by Yaelokre)

[cookies-over-yonder]

let me in, you must know where i've been (won't you tell me at last who i am?)

Normal knows Hermie isn't coping well with what he learned at the church of the Doodler. Halfway through their trip back home, Normal finds Hermie sitting on the ground, knees drawn to his chest, wide awake in the middle of the night, and his concern only grows stronger.

[title from The Ballad of Jane Doe from the musical Ride the Cyclone]

this fic is dedicated to my friend @llumimoon :) <3

ao3

☆

Normal's eyes snap open and he stares up at the ceiling of the cat bus. Through the window, he can see the void-portal-thing that surrounds them.

There should be one week left of their trip back home.

All Normal can hear is the sounds of snores…

But then he hears a breath hitch.

Sitting up from where he was laying on the seat, Normal turns toward the noise.

A bright swirl of multicoloured hair meets his gaze. Hermie's sitting on the floor of the bus with his knees drawn to his chest, and his hands raised in front of him. He's staring at his palms.

"Hermie?" Normal whispers. Hermie doesn't move. Not sure he heard it, Normal scoots a little closer, looking down at him from the seat. "Hermie?"

Still no response. His eyes are open, but it doesn't look like he's all there.

Normal slips down to sit across Hermie on the floor. His breathing is slightly staggered. It's at this moment Normal notices his eyes are different colours. One is green, and the other is red. 

But then he sees them shift. Green turns to teal, and red turns to pink.

And then they shift to yellow and purple. Normal watches the colours in his eyes dance and change. It's hypnotizing.

They continue to flick from colour to colour faster and Normal finally snaps himself out of his trance.

"Hermie," he tries a third time. No response.

Normal taps him on the shoulder.

Slowly, Hermie's gaze lifts from his hands. He locks eyes with Normal, and both his eyes turn hazel.

"What…" Hermie trails off. "Why… why aren't you asleep?" 

"'Cause I woke up," Normal answers. This answer doesn't seem to clear anything up for Hermie, based on his confusion. He looks like he's in a daze. "Are you okay?"

"I'm… good. You shh…should go to sleep," he mumbles. His words are slow and slurred. It's different from how he normally talks. It's like the words are stuck on the tip of his tongue and he's straining himself to force them out.

"You don't look so good, Herm."

Hermie looks back at his hands with a thousand-mile stare. "Uh…" he lets out a shuddering sigh. He's blinking rapidly.

"Okay, okay, let's sit up here," Normal stands up and stretches out a hand. When Hermie doesn't take it, Normal clasps Hermie's unburnt hand in his own. "Up we go," he says, pulling him up to his feet.

Hermie stands with Normal's support, but after a second, his knees buckle, and when Normal catches him, he doesn't make a sound. Normal feels himself blush with Hermie in his arms, but he shakes it off and guides Hermie to the seat, sitting beside him.

Hermie is silent and staring at the ground.

Turning his body to face Hermie, Normal says, "Um, so, I don't know what character you're in now, but I'm getting kinda worried."

"This—this isn't… just… don't concern yourself."

"But, I am concerned! What happened back there was really heavy and I know you're going through a lot right now, with finding out about your dads and everything."

Hermie tries to say something but all that comes out is a squeak. Burying his head in his hands, he starts trembling.

Then Normal realizes he's muttering something to himself.

"Who is Hermie?"

Over and over again, just like in the church.

"Hey, hey," Normal leans in. "Hermie is you."

"I don't know who that is!" Hermie lifts his head up and turns to Normal. "I don't know who I am! I can't just—I'm—I don't…"

There's that thousand-mile stare again.

"Herm—"

Hermie stands up suddenly and starts pacing back and forth in front of the seats.

"Just—I… I'm… I don't know… I need to… Who am I, Normal?" Hermie turns and locks eyes with Normal. His eyes are colour-changing and wide and scared. Then he continues to pace, his whole body is trembling violently, and Normal can hear him starting to gasp for air.

Normal stands up and puts his hands on Hermie's shoulders, stopping him in his tracks—it's partly to ground him, and partly to prevent him from falling again, because he looks pretty close. "Hermie, breathe."

"Tell me who I am, Normal," his voice is weak and strained and desperate.

"I can't do that, Hermie."

"Why?" Hermie whines. He's gasping and wheezing and the look of panic in his eyes is enough to make Normal fight to hold back his tears.

"Hermie, you're spiralling, you need to breathe." Normal runs his hands up and down Hermie's arms.

A whine escapes Hermie, and Normal can see tears starting to slide down his face. Hermie immediately averts his gaze, staring at the ground once more.

"I… I… uh… uh—" Hermie stutters between breaths.

"You don't need to say anything. It's okay. You're okay."

Hermie shakes his head so hard he starts tipping over a little. Normal tightens his grip on his arms.

"Okay—sorry, uh, maybe you're not okay right now, but you will be."

That makes him lose the slightest bit of tension in his expression, but he's still trembling and not breathing right.

Normal tries to think of what he would need if he were in Hermie's shoes.

Not knowing who he is or who he's supposed to be… finding out messed up stuff about his parents… feeling lost and panicked and scared and alone…

"Hermie I… I'm gonna hug you, okay?"

Hermie nods.

And with that, Normal carefully wraps his arms around Hermie. He can feel Hermie melt in his embrace, and it's silent for a moment.

Then Hermie breaks. He buries his head in Normal's shoulder and a sob rips through him. Hermie's hands wrap around Normal's back tightly, and Normal tightens his grip on Hermie to match.

"I've got you, Herm," Normal says, putting a hand on the back of Hermie's head, running his fingers through his hair as he cries.

Hermie is holding onto him so tightly and crying so hard… it makes Normal wonder whether he'd ever let himself be so vulnerable…

And suddenly, Hermie quickly pulls away and clears his throat. He stumbles backward a little, and Normal catches him again by the forearms.

Hermie sucks in a breath and holds it. He swipes at his tears, gets that faraway look again, and finally lets the breath out.

"Hermie, you don't have to, like…"

Normal stops short. Telling Hermie not to play a role would probably do more harm than good. Telling Hermie not to push away his emotions might sound accusatory. Telling Hermie to open up might make him less inclined.

Hermie steps out of Normal's grasp.

"You should. Um. Go back to sleep. Now," he says, starting to walk back to his spot on the floor.

"Hermie, wait—" Normal grabs both of Hermie's hands. Stopping in his tracks, Hermie is wide-eyed and staring right back at him.

"Just… you can always talk to me okay? Or if you don't want to, that's, like, fine, we can just… be together—"

Hermie blushes.

"I mean—" Normal chuckles nervously, "like, you're not alone? Sorry, I, yeah. Uh, I'm tripping over my words here, but do you, uh…"

"I understand," Hermie says, looking down at their interlocked hands.

"Okay…"

And Hermie looks back up at him. They lock eyes, and Normal can see him. Hermie's eyes are brown, and his face is stained with tears. His lips are a little chapped. Heat rushes to Normal's face, and he tears his gaze away from Hermie's lips and brings it back to his eyes. "I appreciate it," Hermie says.

There are bags under Hermie's eyes, too, and his eyes, once wide, are now half-lidded and droopy.

"Were you sleeping before, uh…"

"I've been awake all night."

It's what Normal expected, but hearing it pains him nonetheless.

"Okay, well, you can take my sleeping spot. I'm not that tired anyway…"

"I need to sit down," Hermie says, looking back at where they were seated before.

"Okay, okay, we can sit."

Letting go of one of Hermie's hands, Normal brings him back to the seats.

Hermie sits closely beside him. Neither make a move to disconnect their hands. Normal is staring at their interlocked hands resting on his thigh when he feels a sudden weight on his shoulder.

…

Normal feels his stomach flip, and his heart beating fast.

Asleep on his shoulder, breathing slowly, is Hermie, looking more peaceful than he had in a while.

Normal carefully slides Hermie's tear-stained glasses off his face, folds them and puts them in the cup holder next to the seats.

Eventually, the ever-persistent loud thumping of Normal's heart gets fainter, and he finds himself calm, resting his head against Hermie's and letting his eyes fall shut.

♡

[sortanonymous]

Of all the NASCAR series to have the "yellow before checkered = restart" rule, they seriously have that rule in ARCA? ARCA?!?

[crescentmp3]

hi hi hi. drawings

[ethereance]

A short allurance fic.

[a-plural-song-is]

control by Halsey It's a plural song ✨

[exhausted-enby-vibes]

hey friends! j here! i’ve tried once again to make an introduction post, maybe this one will last longer :)

hello! my name is j! my pronouns are he/they, and i’m queer, asexual, and transmasc!

i’ll put my current interests/hyperfixations under the cut but feel free to talk to me about anything!

@thatonesongyouretryingtoremember is my tumblr spouse! we are matching icons <2

i also have an art blog - @exhausted-artist-vibes - but i don’t post over there very often

current interests (this list is subject to sudden changes):

pjo (and the rest of the riordanverse stuff)

good omens

stranger things

the owl house

avatar: the last airbender

sanders sides

lilo and stitch

various bands and artists that i will happily talk about if you ask (the crane wives ask me about the crane wives-)

feel free to talk to me about anything, though! im always up to talk, whether that’s through asks or private messages :) although please be respectful of course, and im a minor so keep that in mind

[crimsonkenjii-writes]

Thinking about the Giyuu Gaiden and how Giyuu just snaps the ropes tied around him like it was nothing 🤤

Look at him, so sexy, so strong, please throw me around like a rag doll

and how the dog looks clearly upset but he's still like "lemme pet you"

gets fucking chomped

And then of course my beautiful baby smiling because he's being served his favorite food ♡

he's so cute asdkjhgakh

this reminded me of a scene in the naruto episode "gotta see gotta know kakashi sensei's true face" where team 7 takes him out to ramen to sneak a peak of his face while hes eating but then team 10 interupts and they miss his face but the employees see and they're blushing from how handsome he is. That's Giyuu. They knew he was too handsome with his smile so they didn't show us here how dare they

THIS TURNED INTO A GIYUU APPRECIATION POST IM SORRY LMAO I CANT GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!

[roxysvoid]

i’m new to this site and i hear people normally have their general info like likes/dislikes, fandoms, interests and stuff in their pinned post but i was always too lazy to make a carrd so i will just start venting uncontrollably instead

[visibun]

i'm sorry but with that censoring choice going on there how can i be expected to read this in any other way aside from "he was shit in the head"

funny as hell next question

[unforth]

Everything feels awful right now but it isn't really. We still don't officially have a winner, but regardless of how the presidential election ends up, I wanted to take a minute and find what lights I can in the 3 a.m. darkness. Here's what I know:

* Kentucky overwhelmingly rejected an attempt to undermine the public education system by offering private school vouchers:

* Delaware has elected a transgender woman to the House of Representatives, the first out trans person of any gender ever elected to congress:

* For the first time in history, two Black women will be serving in the senate at the same time, and they are only the fourth and fifth Black women ever elected to the senate:

* New York State has passed a constitutional amendment enshrining the rights of pregnant people (including the right to an abortion), LGBTQIA+ people, the disabled, immigrants regardless of legal status, and other at-risk groups:

* Democrat Josh Stein has beaten self-avowed Nazi Mark Robinson to become governor of North Carolina:

That's everything I know off the top of my head. It's not many bright spots, but it's not zero. I'm going to try to find more and I'll add them to the post. It's the only thing I can think of to do that isn't sobbing and throwing up or looking up Canadian immigration rules.

If you know more good news, I encourage you to add it in reblogs.

[lonelychicago]

hi again april!

i saw your art it was so good! and your edits, you're so very skilled <3

learning portuguese is so real

how are you today? what are some of your favourite movies/shows? do you have any hobbies? what's your aesthetic (like idk if this makes sense lol)

💌 anon valentine 💌

omg anon valentine!!! hiiiii

also, im in my second lesson of portuguese and i already know how to say eu gosto de mulheres (which, if i said it right SHOULD mean i like women and that's all i really know how to say, i think. what else could i possibly need???)

im good and hope u r too! some of my favorite movies are mamma mia, hamilton, mean girls (both the 2004 version and the 2024 movie musical), 10 things i hate about you, she's the man, the hunger games (all the thg movies, including tsobas). and my favorite shows are 911 (duh), grey's anatomy, yellowjackets, trying, the artful dodger, the rookie, new girl.

my aesthetic is a pathetic gay girl if she were also deeply fucked up in the head and also a fucking annoying bitch. hope this helps!