#this is just getting ridiculous the way Heart is constantly BABIED for being blind and borderline sexualized for the same reasons | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

absolutebl · 2 years ago

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This Week in BL

Nov 2022 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying the most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Between Us (Sun iQIYI) 2 of 12 - an even better kiss this ep and some background on how both of them are broken and need each other, this is popcorn worthy melodrama, keep it up. WATCH ALONG HERE.

Big Dragon (Sat Gaga) 7 of 8 - musical montage boyfriends date for most of this ep. I’m not mad about it. Like a 50 min OnlyOneOf MV. Poor P9! I think I finally realized why I like this couple so much, they remind me (when they are at their best) a little bit of We Best Love. Oh do we have a Kdrama separation coming in the final ep? Please no.

Ai Long Nhai (Mon iQIYI) 8 of 10 - Nhai’s dad is pretty awesome, and I don’t mind that we had all this time with him and Ai chatting. Tiny concert full of crumbs, but blessed no actual singing! And the nothing continues to happen, and it continues to be shirtless. So I’m happy.

Ghost Host, Ghost House (Weds YouTube) 7 of 8 - Even in a ghost story, if it’s Thailand we’ve got to go to the beach and frolic. Use of I/you pronouns is super interesting and cute. I think what I like the most about these two is that they are so easily and casually boyfriends.

Remember Me (Sun Gaga) 6 of 12 - LeoFiat are still the only thread that interests me, coincidentally they’re getting all the old school tropes too. Bus trip, earbud sharing, shoulder sleeping and everything.

I Will Knock You (Fri Gaga) 1 of 12 - This definitely has all the markers of a bully romance, not my personal favorite. SOTUS not withstanding. This can go into BohnDuen territory a bit too much for me. So far I don’t dislike this show, but I don’t like it either and it’s definitely one of those I wish I had the 10 second fast forward button on.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

My Tooth Your Love (Taiwan Fri Viki) 7 of 12 - Enter the faen fatal and anxiety baby is jelly - doesn't look as good on him as it does on our dentist. But HOW does he still not realize how hard he is being flirted with? I take that back, this isn’t flirting, this is courting. Like ritual old-fashioned gentlemanly marriage-in-mind how many crowns do you want in exchange level courting. I can’t believe it’s gonna be over month before this show finishes. I’m tense now.

Eternal Yesterday AKA Eien no Kino (Japan Thurs Gaga) 5 of 8 - This thing that Japan keeps doing with gay teachers killing themselves is not exciting to me. I really love how Michan is like “look after your own damn boyfriend and stop dragging mine onto ledges”... stupid teacher drama. But oh my goodness is this show achingly sad. This prevailing wistfulness between our leads about the future that they know they will never get to have. The way Michan is constantly listening and feeling for his Koichi’s heartbeat for a reassurance that is never going to come. The way he is reconciling himself with his own loneliness and returning to that solitary state, because he will never find a soulmate like Koichi again. It’s an aching extended wistful dry-eyed kind of yearning and pain. The counteraction to how good Japan is a thirst. This show is going to break my heart. In fact, it already has.

Choco Milk Shake (Korea Strongberry Tues YT) 5-6 of 10 - It’s Strongberry so the blind date is with the boy. Yay! No bones about it (no boning either but hey-ho). Really this is a show about connection and loneliness, it’s kind of gut wrenching for something so silly. I got to say it, because no one else will, but how is uncle’s business staying in business? I’ve never seen a single customer.

Kabe Koji (Japan Mon Viki) 7 of 10 - The date was RIDICULOUS - couple’s keychains and everything. Gah. These two are too much. And then the classic penultimate ep of doom.

It’s Airing But I’m Not Watching It

War of Y (Thai Gaga) 20 eps - it’s just all too much for me.

My Roommate (Thai YT) 32 eps of 2 minutes each + terrible production values? - I’m not bothering.

Fahlanruk (Thai Sun GaGa) 12 eps - I cut my losses at ep 5. DNF

To Sir With Love AKA Khun Chai 16 eps - could be sad v worried

2 Moons 3 (Thai Mon ??) 10 eps - Possibly a future binge watch. Rumor is it’s banal.

SELF (Thai Thurs YT) - DNF

Love Bill (Vietnam Sat YT) - Bah Vinh is back but I’m too distracted. Also there’s a lot of fund raising and stuff going on. I’ll wait and binge.

In Case You Missed It

I did a post on all of Strongberry’s offerings.

Restart After Coming Back Home (formerly Restart After Come Back Home) is now available on Gaga! Go and watch it, it’s wonderful. Now they just have to get Seven Days and my life will be complete and my subscription love for them eternal.

OnlyOneOf is really doing a BL.

I did my GMMTV 2023 predictions.

TutorYim (Cutie Pie crumbs) have been cast as the new leads in Middle Love (formerly Jimmy Tommy).

I think this is a really good choice, actually.

GAP the series (Sat YT) 1 of 12 has started, office set GL. WATCH IT! GL and this studio needs our support! (Also, the stairs are back!)

Coming to Viki: Love in the Air, ITSAY & IPYTM, Remember Me, and 2 new KBLs: The New Employee & Happy Ending Romance.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Starting this week:

Nov 24: Happy Ending Romance (Korea Thurs Gaga) 8 - stars Karam (The Boss), Ha Jong Woo, and Leo (VIXX). Formerly Happy Ending Outside the Fence - thank fuck they changed the damn title.

Nov 26: 609 Bedtime Story (Thai Sat WeTV) 11 - another OhmFluke vehicle that’s rumored to be a good story. A one night stand leads to a series of mysterious premonitions and a possible parallel universe.

Nov 2022 still to come?

Nov ??: My School President (?? GMMTV YT) tester trailer here - it’s Love Sick + Korea & Japan's influence.

This week’s earworm: Hello Hello FT Island, doing the blog post about Kdrama actors who’d never do BL made me think about Lee Hong Ki, which made me go back to their back catalogue. I forgot how fucking killer they are.

(last week)

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makoodlesarchive · 5 years ago

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learning curve

Yes hello we’re back with another installment of dragon dick kiri lmao sorry if ur getting bored of this but i’m obsessed

word count: 5k

warnings: smut, dragon dick kiri, uhhhh lots of cum?

Tip Jar! || dragon dick kiri masterlist

this takes place in between part one and part two!

»»————-　♡　————-««

Intimacy with Kirishima comes with somewhat of an adjustment period. It shouldn’t be surprising, considering his inexperience with sex in general and your inexperience with sex involving cocks that look as though they’ve been pulled from the pages of an overzealous erotic fantasy novel, but your first time together had gone so well and had been so effortlessly sexy that you had come to the conclusion that every time would be like that.

You were, tragically, wrong.

The second time you two try to have sex (four days after the first time, because you had been walking funny for days afterwards) had been cut short because Kirishima had gotten it into his head that he came too quickly the first time, and he was determined to hold out for as long as possible the second time so he could make you feel good. It was incredibly sweet, in theory, but in practice it resulted in him straining so hard to avoid his oncoming orgasm that he accidentally bit through his lip. The sight of blood had set you panicking, and any sexual action was quickly cut short in favour of scrambling for tissues.

The third time, you had thought that it would be a cute idea to join Kirishima in the shower when he had returned from a long day of work. It had started out innocent enough, but then the inevitable hand-wandering had started and before you knew it Kirishima had hauled you up against the shower wall. What you had expected to be an effortlessly steamy experience turned into the two of you snorting with laughter as you realised that every time you rubbed against each other resulted in the most unsexy squelching noises thanks to your wet skin and the spray of the water. Determined to compromise, you slid to your knees and grinned up at him from your position between his legs. You were probably squinting pretty unattractively so you could see through the shower spray, but Kirishima was so excited that he didn’t seem to notice.

He was, in fact, too excited -- within moments of you wrapping your lips around the head of his dick he shivered hard and swayed a little on his feet, only to slip on the slick wet ceramic tiles in the shower. Having the entirety of your boyfriends vast, heavily muscled body weight come crashing down on you while you were in such a vulnerable position was terrifying, made even worse by the fact that his enormous dick damn near pistol whipped you across the face. You’re not sure who was shrieking the loudest as you both writhed in the perilously enclosed space of the shower, limbs tangled together and blinded by water, but either way the crash from the fall and subsequent screeching was enough to summon Bakugou, who showed his concern by hammering on the bathroom door and roaring at you to shut the hell up.

In the days following that particular incident, a tender bruise blooms across your cheekbone from where Kirishima’s dick had slapped you. It’s pretty sore to touch, but it’s not the biggest deal ever and honestly you find it kind of funny -- plus, it’s not like it’s Kirishima’s fault that he’s got a cock like a lead pipe.

Kirishima, on the other hand, does not find it funny. Every time he catches sight of the bruise on your face his expression twists up into a guilty little grimace and he can’t quite meet your eyes. It doesn’t help that people keep asking about it, and even though you’re able to wave off any questions that come your way with a grin, you notice Kirishima shrinking a little every time. You try to convince him that it’s no big deal and it didn’t even hurt that much (which was a lie, because at the time you seriously thought that it was gonna take an eye out), but he still frets constantly and his new reluctance to touch you is obvious. You can’t lie, it’s disappointing. But as disheartening as your apparent inability to fuck your boyfriend without incurring bodily harm is, you can only imagine that it’s so much worse for Kirishima considering that the amount of times he’s gone all the way with anyone can be counted on one hand, and the amount of times he’s been successful in that can be counted on one finger.

“It’s seriously no big deal, Eiji,” you insist, trying to sound encouraging and positive but instead just sounding wheedling. You can’t be blamed, really, when you’re lying on your boyfriend’s bed in your underwear and desperately hoping he’ll be willing to try again. “Everyone has sex mishaps!”

“I could have knocked you out!” Kirishima shoots back from where he’s standing in front of his closet with his head stuck in a mountain of clothes as he tries to pretend to be busy sorting laundry. You’re not a total idiot though, you can see the little peeks he keeps throwing you over his shoulders.

“Oh please, you could not have knocked me out with a little slap from your dick.” you scoff. You wonder internally if he could, in fact, have knocked you out, and you reluctantly come to the conclusion that he probably could if he hit you in the temples or something. Then again, his dick was insanely sensitive, and you’re pretty sure that the impact of it slapping your face hurt him just as much as it hurt you.

“I gave you a black eye!”

“It was a bruised cheekbone, stop being dramatic!” You sit up so you can look at him properly, but his back is still stubbornly turned towards you. “Hey. Eijirou, come on. Look at me.”

“I just don’t want to hurt you.” His voice is so quiet that you almost miss it, but he finally puts down the socks he was pretending to be preoccupied with and turns to face you. “The first time- it was so, so good, and I don’t want to disappoint you with how… bad I am at all this-”

“Hey, stop.” you slip off the bed, kneeling down beside him in the mound of laundry. “You’re not bad at sex. I mean,” you amend thoughtfully, “You don’t have much experience. No one expects you to be a sex god right off the bat! You’re being too hard on yourself. Plus, I guess with what you’re packing there’s bound to be a learning curve, right?”

Kirishima snorts, and finally turns to look at you. “A learning curve.” He repeats, a grin beginning to play at the corners of his mouth.

“Yeah.” you say stubbornly, “We’ve learned lots already. I can’t have your dick in my mouth too long or I’ll dislocate my jaw. You really like it when I suck on the swollen part at the bottom of your dick. Your teeth are really sharp and you should avoid biting at all costs. And shower sex is a no go. Oh, and I should avoid getting clocked in the face by your cock, because that shit hurts.”

That pulls a short little laugh out of him, which is exactly what you had been hoping for. You grin, energised by that particular success, and when he leans in to press a kiss to your cheek you happily wind your hands into his hair. “Thanks for being patient with me.” he murmurs, a little bashful and so, so sweet.

You kiss the tip of his nose in return and wonder if your heart will ever get used to seeing him like this, all soft and smiley and blushy. You hope not; you hope you get to keep these fluttery feelings forever. “Of course,” you say quietly, afraid to break the moment, “We’ve had a few little accidents, but even if I could go back and redo them I wouldn’t. Not every time is gonna be perfect, but who cares? I like you, and I enjoy my time with you. That’s all that matters.”

Kirishima’s eyes blow wide and he clutches at his chest dramatically, lower lip trembling. “Baby… that was so romantic.”

“Oh, shut up.” you pull away, rolling your eyes defensively. Being all earnest and emotionally vulnerable is embarrassing; you have no idea how Kirishima can pull it off like it’s nothing.

“I mean it,” Kirishima insists, following after you, “That was really romantic. And I needed to hear it.”

You smile, pleased. “Good. Now stop being so hard on yourself. We’re in this together, and we will figure out how to master sex with your dick.”

He huffs a laugh even as he scratches at the back of his neck in embarrassment. “Need to get on top of that learning curve, huh?”

“The only way to learn is by doing.” you coo at him and then playfully wiggle your hips. You probably look more ridiculous than seductive, but your primary aim is to get Kirishima feeling comfortable.

It works, and a bright smile begins to work its way over Kirishima’s face. When he reaches for you, you press into his touch eagerly. “Wow, you’re really that eager for another sex disaster with my weird dick?”

“Don’t jinx it,” you insist, snaking your hand down the front of his sweatpants until you reach his dick. He’s gone without his usual jockstrap today since it was just the two of you in his room, so you can feel every ridge and bump through the soft jersey fabric. “Besides, I love your weird dick.”

He laughs at that, but presses his crotch into your hand nonetheless. As usual, his dick is filling out pretty rapidly, and there’s a growing wet patch where the head of his cock is beginning to leak precum. “Bed.” he suggests quietly, helping you to your feet and tugging you over to lie down on the sheets with him. When you’re settled comfortably on the bed he pauses, hovering over you and just smiling.

This is always one of the best parts; the transition from chaste little kisses to heated touches, and the moments in between where Kirishima will look at you with the softest expression of pure reverence. When you reach up and touch his cheek he turns his face into your touch and nuzzles three quick kisses onto your fingers, smiling all the while. You grin back at him, delighted by the relaxed set of his shoulders; you have a good feeling about this. Surely this time will be successful and break the string of bad luck you’ve been having.

Apparently encouraged by your excited smile, Kirishima drops down to give you an open-mouthed kiss. You lean into it, looping your arms around his neck and hiking one of your thighs up over his hip to try and encourage him closer. The soft intimacy of the moment makes your breath catch in your throat just a little; it feels like every square inch of your skin is tingling from the anticipation of waiting for his touch, straining towards him as his fingers skim along your bare thigh so gently that the touch sends goosebumps rippling along your arms. The hand on your thigh adjusts, gripping firmly and pulling your leg further up on his hip so that both of your crotches are pressed together.

The outline of his cock through his sweatpants is hot and heavy, and when he starts up little rocking motions of his hips the hard length of it rubs up against your clit. Even through the fabric of his joggers and your panties the stimulation sends frissons of heat arcing up your spine and leaves you wound up and impatient for more. Luckily, you know you won’t have to wait long -- Kirishima loves winding you up, but his dick is so sensitive that once he gets started he finds it difficult to hold back.

With his free hand, Kirishima reaches up to play with your tits. Rather than waste time trying to unclasp your bra, he just pushes it up so that the bra cups no longer hinder his access to your chest. You try not to laugh as his fingers press into your breasts, because you know that he just likes the feeling of the squish when he squeezes them. He ducks his head and kisses each one, then licks a stripe over your nipple and sucks at it. You’re starting to feel tingly and very sensitive when he pulls back, your tit dropping from his mouth. The air against your wet skin feels too cold in the absence of his mouth, and your nipple is hard and sensitive to the point where it almost feels raw. “Hey,” he says, pulling your attention to his face. His eyes are fever bright, his face practically glowing with anticipation. “I want to eat you out.”

“Yes please.” you say rather stupidly. In all honesty, Kirishima could have asked to do anything at all to you in that moment and you would have been hard-pressed to say no. He looks so cute like this, his expression so open and soft and excited, any lingering unease or nerves being replaced by his desire to please and be pleased. He grins at you as he slides down your body, pressing a kiss to your belly button as he goes. Your panties are removed with one swift tug, but then he pauses just to look at you. “Quit staring!” you complain, clamping your thighs around his head to try and distract him.

“Ow! Hey, I’m just admiring the view!” He laughs, shaking his head free from your legs. “I’m not allowed to admire my beautiful girlfriend?”

“Gawking is not the same as admiring!”

“Gawking?”

“It’s embarrassing!”

“I’m gonna be inside you in a few minutes, but you’re embarrassed by me looking at you?” Kirishima sounds genuinely confused, but shakes it off with a laugh. “Okay, okay, fine. Want me to close my eyes?”

“No,” you laugh, still grinning down at him as he kisses the crease in your thighs, “Of course not. It’s just embarrassing to be stared at.”

“I like looking at your pussy,” he says with a shrug. His tone is conversational, as if he’s chatting over a cup of coffee rather than gazing up at you with his head between your legs, “It’s nice.”

You fold your arms over your face, fighting hard against the wave of self-consciousness that threatens to overtake you. “Right.” you manage to say, “Well. Okay then.” You hear him chuckle, but you stubbornly keep your eyes covered. Even without seeing, you know he’s taking you all in. Your body grows hot with embarrassment as you fight the urge to close your legs; seriously, you can’t figure out why he’s enjoying the view so much. You know there are better pussies out there.

When his fingers trace over your outer lips you jerk, the touch catching you by surprise. The sudden movement causes him to make a rumbling sound in his chest, almost like a warning, and you still. You can feel his breath ghosting over the sensitive skin of your inner thighs, and you shiver just a little when he kisses along your outer lips. It's the anticipation that’s getting to you more than anything, every nerve firing as you wait for his next touch.

You sigh happily when he starts getting into eating you out for real, your hips twitching into his mouth. He’s just so good with his tongue, it makes your breath stutter and rattle in your chest. When he sucks at your clit, you sit up on your elbows so that you can watch him. He meets your gaze and throws you a cheeky wink as he laps at you, and you just know that he felt you physically react to it by the way he laughs a little into your cunt. “Shut up.” you grumble without any heat, grinning helplessly at him.

The smile he shoots back at you is extra shiny thanks to the fact that the lower half of his face is covered in his spit and your own slick, but he looks so dopey and happy that you feel your heart and your pussy clench at the same time. It’s a particularly disquieting sensation, but even through it you recognise the heat of an oncoming orgasm building in your lower belly. When he dives back in face first, he laps and sucks at you so eagerly that you fist your hand in his hair reflexively as you twitch against him. All you can do is hang on for dear life as he devotes everything he has to eating you out.

Some part of you distantly wonders how his tongue hasn’t cramped up yet, but that thought vanishes when you catch sight of the way his hips are moving as he humps the mattress. He’s gone down on you like this countless times long before you found out exactly what he was packing, but this is the first time you’ve ever seen him actually actively engage in seeking his own pleasure while doing so. It’s hotter than you could have expected, and when he grinds down hard and whimpers into you, you very nearly lose it.

“Eijirou,” you gasp, tugging at his hair. You’re trying to pull him off you before you come, but apparently he really likes having his hair pulled because he moans delightedly against you, “Eijirou! Wait, stop, I’m gonna cum-!”

“Stop?” He parrots, pulling back to stare wide-eyed at you. “You don’t want to cum?”

“I do,” you hurry to assure him, struggling to catch your breath. “But I want you to fuck me first.”

Kirishima’s face goes on a journey of expressions before settling on one that’s distinctly delighted. “Yeah. Yes.” he says, “We can do that.”

You settle back against his pillows eagerly as he reaches over to his bedside table for the lube. You’ve been stretching yourself pretty much every day in the hopes that this exact situation would happen, so when Kirishima brings two fingers to your entrance they slip in with ease. He breathes out sharply and adds a third, using his thumb to rub at your clit as he presses his fingers all the way inside you. You take the opportunity to quickly take your bra off and throw it to the side, and then lie back as Kirishima finger fucks you. He hones in on the spongey area at the front of your inner walls like there’s a homing signal there, and your toes curl as he massages at it and your clit at the same time.

“Eijirou-!” you gasp, growing impatient. His fingers feel so good, but they’re not enough.

“Yeah, I got you, baby.” Kirishima murmurs, then sits back on his ankles. For the first time since he started eating you out you manage to actually get a look at him, and the sight has your thighs clenching together as you swear you nearly cream yourself on the spot. The front of his sweatpants are ruined -- he must have been dribbling copious amounts of precum the whole time he was going down on you and humping the bed, and without his usual cup he’s soaked through the grey cotton.

When he notices you looking he flushes, obviously embarrassed, and opens his mouth, but you speak quickly before he gets the chance to apologise or try to put himself down. “That’s so hot. Shit, you’re so hot. Fuck.”

Your words are simple, but it’s impossible not to notice the subtle straightening of his shoulders as he shucks his pants and shuffles over closer to you. “I, um. I really like eating you out.”

“Yeah.” you breathe with a grin, reaching out to stroke his dick. It’s sticky and messy with his own precum, lying impossibly hot and heavy in your hand. The base of it is already flushed and swollen with cum, and the entire length of it strains up towards his belly in a truly awesome display of gravity-defying physics. “I can see that.”

He shudders and presses into your touch as you rub over the raised bumps and the bulbous head. You kiss his shoulder, sweet and fast, then spread your legs to give him some room as he settles in between them. The tip of his cock skims along your pussy lips and prods at your entrance, but doesn’t go any further despite your squirming. “Ready?” Kirishima asks, as though you’re not writhing against the tip of his dick like a cat in heat.

“Yes!”

The chuckle Kirishima gives at that is breathless and excited, and it cuts off as soon as he starts to press into you in favour of a drawn out groan. The stretch and the sheer size of him isn’t as much of a shock as the first time, but you still lose your breath as he pushes inside in increments. You don’t think you’ll ever get used to the overwhelming stretch, the subtle curve, the ribbed bumps and swirls rubbing against every part of you. Even when you feel impossibly full he keeps going, and soon he’s over you and around you and inside you and it seems like your whole world has narrowed down to the points of contact where you’re touching.

His fists clench in the bedsheets by your head and his shoulders hunch over you as he visibly fights the urge to just rock into you all at once. “Fuck.” he grunts, biting his lip as he tries to hold back. Hit with immediate flashbacks from the second time you two had tried to have sex and he had bitten through his lip, you quickly reach up and kiss him in a desperate attempt to avert another disaster. When you pull back, he seems to have collected himself somewhat, despite the slightly glassy look in his eye. “You okay?” he asks, the muscles of his abdomen clenched tight as he holds himself back.

Honestly, with his cock splitting you open like this you feel as though you’re about to crack in half. Every couple of moments his cock twitches and flexes inside of you as it dribbles more precum, and you can feel it inside of you. It’s all just on the border of too much, and you’re desperate for so much more. “Yes,” you say at last, throwing your head back and trying to push further down onto his dick, “But baby, please move.”

Kirishima must have been waiting for that, because as soon as you ask it of him he begins rutting into you with a rough pant of “Oh, yeah.”

Every time his hips drive home the tip of his cock presses into your cervix and the subsequent achey jolt that shoots through you borders on pleasure and pain. It feels good, but you just need to- you need-

You shift under him and tilt your hips up, and the next time he ruts into you has you nearly yelping like a kicked dog. The swollen head of his cock hits against the spongey part inside of you, and the ridges rub deliciously along it every time he pulls out. You think your eyes might actually cross from how good it feels.

Kirishima doesn’t even seem to notice, nearly mindless with need. If you’re being honest with yourself, this is your favourite part; feeling him completely lose his mind just from being buried inside of you, watching his eyes lose focus at the heat and tightness of your pussy as he whines and moans even as he rails you into whatever surface you’re lying on. Kirishima whimpers as his cock jack-hammers inside of you, the soft little sound completely at odds with the strength of his thrusts and the way he’s holding your hips in place with his hands as he fucks into you. His movements are frantic, but he still manages to hold his strength in place, never moving hard enough to hurt. “Oh, oh, I love being inside you so much, baby, oh god, you make me feel so good-”

One of his hands comes to rest on your lower belly, and when he presses down you feel like you’re about to break apart. The subtle pressure of his hand makes every thrust so much more intense, as though you can feel him grinding in your belly. Every time he ruts into you it forces the air from your lungs, but you try to reply anyway, pushing the words out even as they almost catch in your throat, “Feels- feels good-!”

“Yeah?” he pants, kissing eagerly at your neck. His hand wanders down from your belly to your clit, and starts rubbing quick circles into your clit. His coordination is totally off but if anything that makes it so much hotter. You can feel how desperate he is with every clumsy jerk of his hand and every frantic snap of his hips.

The combination of his cock rubbing and grinding against the soft spongey part inside of you and the messy stimulation of your clit has your legs trembling and heat growing rapidly in your belly. It feels like you’re being strung tighter and tighter as your orgasm draws closer, and your breath begins coming in rapid pants. The pressure in your abdomen feels a little different than usual, and you take it as a sign that you’re about to come really hard.

You just manage to get out the words “Oh, yes-!” before the pleasure growing in your belly crests and your back bows as you start to cum. It feels like the most cathartic orgasm ever, like all of the pressure that’s been building up in your body is set free with the sweetest release, made all the sweeter by the fact that Kirishima keeps rocking into you the whole way through, the heavy head of his cock grinding hard against your G-spot the whole time.

It feels like an oddly wet orgasm though, and you just have time to wonder disappointedly if you had missed Kirishima cum when he looks up at you, bewildered, and yelps “Are you peeing on me?”

“What?” you sit up so fast that you nearly headbutt him, and moving your body so quickly comes with the unintended side-effect of contracting the muscles inside of you. The abrupt squeeze of your internal muscles proves too much for Kirishima, and he starts to cum even as he pulls out of you, his hips humping furiously into the air as thick ropes of cum begin to splatter your skin.

You’re busy trying to wrap your head around the fact that you apparently just squirted -- it had never happened to you before, and though the surprise of Kirishima’s question had lessened some of the intensity, the aftershocks of the orgasm are still shaking their way through your body -- so it takes a solid moment for your brain to get back with the program. It takes yet another moment to realise that Kirishima is cumming a lot. Like, more than usual, which is saying something.

His face has gone slack and his eyes are unfocused as his cock practically streams cum in jets, the swollen base pulsing as his whole cock twitches. You can’t deny that it’s unbelievably hot seeing him lose himself like this, sweaty and wanton and twitching, but he’s also getting cum everywhere - it spills all over you, all over him, all over the bed.

“Oh, shit” is all you can think to say, trying to catch his cum with your hand in a failed attempt to minimise the mess. It strings stickily down your arms, viscous and thick, and you’re pretty sure that if you hadn’t just had one of the best orgasms ever this would have you creaming yourself. “Holy fuck, babe, stop-!”

Kirishima doesn’t stop. His hips keep jabbing into thin air as his cock flexes with every dribble of cum. You reach out and grab his cock without any real thought, but your touch only seems to drive him wilder because he moans wildly and tries to fuck into your hand. It must be because he had been grinding himself into the bed while he ate you out; you don’t think he’s ever actually worked himself up before, considering how desperate and mindless he gets when he’s about to cum. At a loss for anything else to do, you just try to stroke him through it. Every pull on his cock results in more cum stringing over your wrist, the glide of your hand against the thick length of him wet and slick.

It seems like he cums forever, but at last it tapers off until his cock is twitching fruitlessly and his whole body sags as though he’s gone suddenly boneless. The two of you sit and stare at each other, shell-shocked, covered in various bodily fluids. Even the silence sounds confused.

At last, you blurt the only thing you can think of to say. “I did not pee on you.”

Kirishima’s laugh sounds like it comes from deep within his chest, and then suddenly he’s best over and laughing so hard he goes wheezy. “What-” he gasps in between exhausted and breathless giggles, “the fuck just happened?”

You join in on his laughter, unable to help yourself. The two of you are sticky and damp and sitting in a veritable puddle of cum, but you crawl over the mess and climb into his lap, sighing happily as his arms come to wrap around you. “I’ve never seen so much cum in my life.” you point out stupidly, “You’re gonna have to get new sheets.”

He grins as he flops back limply on the bed, taking you with him. “So, so worth it.” he sighs, raising your knuckles to his face so he can kiss them. His face twists up when he realises that your hand is still covered in cum and that it’s now on his mouth, which makes you erupt into cackles again.

“No injuries, so I’d say that’s a win.” You kiss his chest and stretch out on top of him. You’ll have to move soon, because the cum is starting to dry flakily and feels kind of gross on your skin, but for now you’re happy to ignore it in favour of being close to him.

“Hell yeah,” Kirishima playfully punches the air with one hand as the other strokes your back. “We totally crushed that learning curve, right?”

“Yeah,” you laugh, “Crushed it.”

#kirishima x reader #kirishima eijirou x reader #bnha kirishima #bnha x reader #dragon dick kiri #mha kirishima

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whoreforthebauteam · 4 years ago

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The BAU team as 👆 this picture.

Aaron Hotchner: He grew up with judgement, hatred, bigotry, rage, violence, favoritism. His mother judged everyone against an impossible standard, nobody (him included) was ever good enough. His brother was always the good one, the loved and favored one, Aaron was a blight on the family name. His father beat him, screamed and shouted and blamed Aaron for every little thing. And when caught with another guy... Aaron never truly recovered.

But he grew, he matured, he escaped to college. To freedom.

Now he gives understanding, unconditional love, acceptance, equitable help to his family. He's a shoulder to cry on when spencer admits he's a little in love with Derek (Aaron hugs him, its ok to be gay). He never stopped caring about Elle, he'll always feel guilty and she'll always forgive him. When Penelope gets headaches due to the harsh lights in her office, he cashes in a favor and now she's comfortable. When someone messes up, he's calm. He still loves his family when hes upset because love isn't supposed to leave bruises.

Penelope Garcia: In her early years, she had love and life and direction. Parents worth killing for. And then they where gone, she had nobody. All she had left was fear, loneliness. All she had was darkness. She turned to crime, stealing because she had too. Who in their right minds would help someone like her? Loss turned her bitter and hard.

Then she met Hotch, joined the BAU, she found hope.

Now she's bright, colorful and giving and loving. She bakes cookies when her family is sick or hurt. When they need a hug she's there. When Derek called her his God-given solace, he meant it. Shes all of this because she had it once and then lost it. And, even if it kills her, nobody will ever have to walk in the same shoes she got to leave behind.

Spencer Reid: Abandoned and neglected, bullied and ridiculed, shamed and used. Nobody wants to be associated with a freak. His father left him. A 10 year old boy left alone to care for a mother that was too sick to get out of bed most days. His teachers used him for bragging rights, his fellow students pushed and sneered and punched because "what makes you so special you freak?". He was never accepted or included or wanted.

But he was wanted, by the BAU, by Gideon, by the team. He is wanted and accepted.

When the team is on a case and there's smart or strange or odd youths, Spencer's there. He knows, he's been there. He knows what its like to be unwanted. So he helps, he encourages, he guides, he makes everyone around him feel wanted and included. He is special, and so is his family.

Jennifer Jureau: Her parents where loving and kind. She grew up in a nice place. She didn't want for much. How could she not see the signs, how could she not see her sister giving up? How could she be so blind? She played soccer and laughed while her sister, her assigned-at-birth best friend, lost the will to live. And when her sad sister finally had a day of happiness, laughed and sang and gave JJ her favorite necklace, all she thought was "finally, she's happy again, she'll be okay now". But all there was was blood and death and loss and guilt. That horrible, nasty, green colored guilt that constantly tells you that its your fault. You could've helped her you could've saved her you should've seen the signs its your fault.

And maybe JJ didn't need much growing up, but her sister did.

Now she knows what to look for.

When Hotch comes into her office one day, gives her a fresh cup of coffee and a rare smile, and tells her he appreciates her and all that she does, she stops him. Asks him if he's ok, is he eating? When Spencer can't concentrate, shes there. A willing and eager listener, its because of a paper he's writing. When Morgan comes into work with a bandaged wrists, her heart nearly stops. She almost cries when he shows her the pictures he took, he was busting down a wall and didn't step back far enough and drywall isn't easy to clean out of cuts or scrapes. Hes ok.

She couldn't save her sister but she can save her family.

Emily Prentiss: She learned young that people only care about what you can do for them. The hand that feeds you is the same one that takes. As long as she was present and cordial, who cares? Not her parents. Its all about face, don't show anything less than perfect. Reputation. Don't let anyone see that you're broken because they'll use it against you.

"I need to know that I can be human"

She unlearns stoicism, learns that emotions are meant to be shown. Unlearns perfection, bottling up every trauma is unhealthy and her family truly wants to help. She finds that a helping hand is sometimes just that. No tricks, no blackmail, no favors. Just help. When Spencer shares his snacks he doesn't expect anything in return. When JJ gives her a ride to work she doesn't want gas money, just someone to sing along to annoying pop music with. When Rossi listens to her problems, he listens, he doesn't use it against her.

She learns to be the friend she needed, to help without expectation. To have no shame when her and Garcia go to the store at 2 am in pajamas and runny makeup because they ran out of girls night snacks. She's human and humans are fragile, they break down and panic and they aren't perfect. She doesn't need to be perfect and neither does her family.

David Rossi: Dave grew up with family, holidays where big and loud and the house was packed with people. There was love and hugs and warmth. How could he not want that for himself? How could he not want to be the one sitting at the head of the table surrounded with his family? He almost had it... he married a wonderful woman and they were having a baby, a sweet baby boy.

But it wasn't meant to be. Premature. Weak lungs. Say your goodbyes. He all but accepted that he wasn't meant to have a family, no one to spoil and encourage, nobody to protect.

He came out of retirement for unfinished business, a selfish reason. But he gained so much. He gained daughters. He planed JJ's wedding and he's a shoulder to cry on for Emily. He listens to Penelope go on and on about computers because she's happy when she talks about them. He gained sons. He protects Derek when he gets reckless. He encourages Spencer to speak up, be himself. Dave has a family, its unorthodox and strange, but its HIS family.

Derek Morgan: His father died, his mother worked long hours to feed his family, and his sisters needed him. He was the one to walk the girls to school now. He was the one locking the doors at night. He was the one checking for monsters. Who protected him? When he needed help, who could he go to? And when someone offered help, he was betrayed. Ruined. Broken.... Carl Burford wasn't being nice to him because he was giving, he was nice because he was creepy. Derek didn't tell anyone because he wanted it he didn't tell because he was scared. If he told anyone, he was weak. He was the man of the house now, and men are strong.

He's not weak, he was a kid. He's strong now, he has more power to help and if it was up to him... he'd help everyone.

Now he fights the same monsters that haunt his dreams. He puts the worst people in the world away. When the team goes out for drinks, nobody messes with them. Derek is there and he makes sure everyone takes no for an answer. When Derek picks up Jack from school, because Hotch is sick, he looks at every teacher. Stares them down. Hotch may have done background checks but whats the harm in another one. He goes to the park with JJ and her family sometimes, JJ knows her boys are safe because uncle Derek isn't going to let anything happen.

Derek learns to accept help. Learns not be scared when touched. On a case, their vehicle got cut off, Hotch hit the breaks and held an arm over Derek's chest. A move made with children, protective, comforting, not something to fear. On the same case Rossi pulls him out of the way of a bullet. He doesn't flinch, or try to run. Because his family is safe, they protect him, and he returns the feeling.

#aaron hotchner #incorrect criminal minds #incorrect criminal minds quotes #david rossi #derek morgan #spencer reid #jennifer jareau #penelope garcia #emily prentiss #criminal minds headcanons #angst #found family

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wolfsneedles · 3 years ago

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when cersei says, "she had a warrior heart, but the gods in their blind malice had given her the feeble body of a woman"

i actually felt it. no not the way she does ofc since she is essentially an antagonistic character but more like, the comparisons she makes the way she hates her own sex and wants power how she assumes herself as tywins daughter and how jaime thinks she call herself tywin lannister with teats, all point to her major disgusting internal conflict. ofc when we later see walk of shame it was worse the comments thrown on her body. in first books when we never had her pov i thought she too would admire herself her beauty, however cersei, in all her honestly hates her female traits and doesn't flaunt her beauty like i always thought or got idea from in first books. she is very mean and dehumanising to women and sees them inferiorly, not to say she herself was treated with a lot of hatred and sexism and then sold to marry a man she doesn't desire who himself was brutal on her, however i think she would have never been personally happy with anyone. cersei sees the entire point of being woman to please men with what she tells sansa, and then to be used as woman too . she doesn't like or meets appreciates strong women she hasn't seen or met dany obv neither would she ever have pleasant thoughts about brienne and arya even, she comments sometimes how woman is pretty but she herself always reduces her worth and others to just a girl to be sold and mounted. ofc her internal conflict i find is v interesting and confusing at times. she hates women but also wants other to accept her everything her every cruel practices even perhaps as woman. she doesn't like being woman to please people at all, yet its so sad and helpless to see her try to tempt jaime or osney even later just so they could listen to her. she hates the rampant sexism and misogyny in westeros even exhibited by her brothers and father but she doesn't realise she is using the same notion and definitions of sexism people have about women to demean and hate woman around her. its like she hates men definitely but she hates doing effort herself too to be a same female figure or woman we see other asoiaf women exhibit or do.

i was wondering if her behaviour towards women themselves, how she sees them inferior even when the men around her aren't seeing them like this, but she sees women with sexist approach too she mentions about rape or septa being or longing for rape, she ridicules and discusses margaerys virginity so much, she talks about uncensored stuff to sansa lol, when she is young girl literally, points to the fact how blunt and hateful cersei is of herself but also of female definition. i think this has a lot to do with her maybe not having to experience a mothers love??? i never liked how she was always surrounded ironically by men around her. we never see major strong female lannister representation i just realised. we only see or hear about tywin who had brutal approach to westeros the, holier-than-thou approach. we see jaime who is prob not worse like tywin at all but he also constantly tries to berate and pass quite nauseating remarks for women and ill hold this opinion about him until i see him say sorry to brienne lol (not to mention he does not hate women as whole even as being a man), we see tyrion also not really ideal partner and excessively morally grey character although i have never or maybe remember sexist or extremely insensitive remarks about women by tyrion until we see him in adwd only blurting out pretty worse sentences and maybe acting same like his father, and then we just know kevan who always well * saw cersei as not so perfect person and is kind of weird to her or idk maybe i never liked that lad because he also kind of sexualised her in childhood as cersei says maybe that men never looked at her like they do at others and she was seen with different eyes, all this time i wonder kind of where was tywin though he could have given or taught her good wholehearted valuable values anyway my anti tywin agenda not here today*, and then we see lancel, well for all we know he slept with her too but its just weird again that she slept with him to get rid of her obnoxious husband and well, lancel doesn't really hurt her though or ever saw her like her brothers do, considering his religious changes. but all this time im wondering cersei kind of missed having any wholesome woman in her life as, friend or companion which contributes to her internalised misogyny even more (its like she is opposite of catelyn hundred percent but cat also has internalised misogyny and i realised she never had loving sister cousin friend or companion) maybe im not thinking right but doesn't it click to u all that they both esp cersei of course see women in diff colours and not like how arya dany sansa brienne see women, because they lacked any stronger female character to look upto too. cats treatment of jon which is separate thing was quite questionable and so how she feels weird too when she sees mya stone! but cat or cersei never both, confronted their husbands or told them anything or even discussed any issues with them (this is for cat esp when she should have been angry over ned for jon :/ but she changed her energy to jon) . and it makes me wonder its also because they both were raised in a v male dominated society with diff kinds of fathers, uncles and brothers, that cersei especially has diff notion to what a random woman outside castle would even look like or act like and that all of them aren't really linked to their virginity or marriages and babies. i dont think ofc she would have been different if she had wholesome female friend but she did or should have had someone as girl who had her back when she was growing up???

(btw this isn't pro cersei thing at all - i was kind of horrified by her analysis of women we get to see in affc and then the melara thing at her young age was well fked up also pinching tyrion when he was baby "until he cried" or calling him "little monster" or whatever shows infact how she is quite disdainful of men like tyrion too and not just women. i was wondering maybe her losing joanna maybe played significant role only that being said, she is biggest antiparallel to dany and catelyn! )

#cersei lannister #meta #cersei lannister asoiaf #tyrion lannister #jaime lannister #asoiaf #valyrianscrolls #catelyn tully #asongoficeandfire #house lannister #tywin lannister #ok i hate tywin too

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ladykissingfish · 4 years ago

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Snow Day with the Akatsuki

Deidara Although at first he tries to act like he’s above being excited, in truth, this guy is salivating from all three mouths to get outside and play in the snow. He’s a bit of a freeze-baby though, so he’ll put on a heavy coat, no less than 5 pairs of socks, gloves AND mittens, boots, a thousand scarves and look like a tick ready to burst. Once he is outside, it’ll be ridiculously hard to get him to come back in. He creates what must be hundreds of snow men and women; ALL of which will explode like soldiers stepping in the wrong spot on a minefield. He’ll throw himself down a steep hill on a sled more times than seems feasible. At some point will convince the others who dared venture outside into an all-out snowball fight war, complete with teams, safety fortresses, and even more strategic effort than they use on their actual missions. Kakuzu Nope. Nu-uh. You couldn’t convince the old guy to come out in the snow EVEN IF YOU PAID HIM. But a snow day means a break from traveling and doing missions, which is nice. He’ll spend the day in a warm sweater, drinking coffee or cocoa and catching up on his reading ((the Bingo Book counts as reading)). Will constantly have to yell at the ones who run in and out of the house all day, as opening the door lets out the heat, and dammit, coal is expensive. Will also have to be on constant guard against Hidan, as the immortal jerk will undoubtedly try (several times) to sneak up behind Kakuzu to drop a handful of the cold wet stuff down his back. Itachi Doesn’t want to do anything other than sit in his room under a blanket, at first. But eventually Hidan, Kisame and freakin’ Deidara burst into his room and convince him to come out and “Have some damn fun once in a while, hm!” Stands for a long time and waxes poetic about the beauty of the snow, and how winter represents coldness and death and — but then someone ((Deidara)) throws a snowball at his face, he sees it coming with his sharingan and dodges it, and fairly quickly he becomes just another big kid playing in the snow. Has a thing for making snow angels, and will spend literal hours trying to create the “perfect” one ((think: Itachi vs the Eggs)). Also cracks the first “joke” that anyone’s ever heard come out of him: he tells Kisame that he should go inside and warm up a bit, because he’s so cold he’s ‘turning blue’. Tobi Tobi is, unexpectedly, a bit leery of the snow. Almost seems like it scares him, in a way. Turns out that any kind of extreme coldness puts Obito’s mind back to when he got Crushed by the Boulder ™️, and how cold his entire body felt as he almost slipped into death. But as Tobi, he tries hard not to show this and forces himself to join the others. Keeps mostly to himself until Deidara finds him and recruits him to be a member of his team in The Great Snowball Wars ™️. Nobody can figure out why it seems like even direct hits to the masked man just seem to be going right through him. After he’s had enough, he’ll go inside and “help” Konan make hot chocolate and sweet tea for the others. Pein Doesn’t go outside himself, naturally. But will watch from an unseen vantage point, as his “children” frolic in the shining white powder. Seeing this gives Nagato a strange feeling in what used to be his heart. All members of the Akatsuki had been put there for a purpose, HIS purpose; to achieve world peace. But the blood and sacrifices these individuals had to make were tremendous, and he knows that everybody is under more stress than seems endurable. Seeing them being able to drop their burdens once in a great while and spend time with one another in non-threatening situations is heartening. But at the same time, he doesn’t want the team to get TOO relaxed or lose their battle instincts, so will send the multiple Pein bodies outside to act as the opposing team in the snowball fight, to test how everyone works together as a single unit against an ‘enemy’. Hidan Even with the snow, even in the freezing cold, Hidan is too much of an idiot to put on a shirt. He’ll wear his Akatsuki robe but that’s really it. Extreme cold

is just another way for him to test the “limits” of his immortality; can frostbite or hypothermia kill this guy? Will wander off from the others for a few hours and go searching for a sacrifice; he just knows that the way the blood will look on the snow will be beautiful. He’ll come back just in time to join a team (or work alone) for a snowball fight — or a snowman building contest — or an igloo building contest ((honestly Hidan considers EVERYTHING to be a contest; he’s highly competitive)). If Konan ventures outside, he’ll gravitate to her and make immature (but expected) commentary about what the cold is doing to her, er, pointy frontal region; quite a few slaps to the face, and not all from the blue-haired beauty.

Sasori

Doesn’t feel heat or cold in his body, so being outside really doesn’t appeal much to him. However, winter weather is a good opportunity for him to test out some of his newer puppet’s battle capabilities, as well as study the effects of how external temperature impacts the potency of his poisons. Will also be keeping an eye on his young partner, and checking to make sure that the blonde’s enthusiasm for being in the snow isn’t blinding him towards possible hypothermia.

Konan

This little lady isn’t the biggest fan of the cold, so much of her day will be spend indoors, making treats and hot drinks for the others. If she does venture outside, she’ll use her papers to create wings for herself, and fly around the area to observe the beauty of the snowy landscape from above. The others will stare at her in awe and admiration; she makes the ultimate “snow angel”. Might be persuaded to partake in sledding, or building a snowman, if she’s in the right mood.

Zetsu

Zetsu is strictly a warm sunshine kind of plant/person, so the snow and the cold hold no appeal for him whatsoever. He’ll stay inside all day under every spare blanket he can find, as well as a heating lamp (which Kakuzu will complain about, as anything that uses up energy like that is probably costing them money). If winter weather lasts for a long time, will become somewhat animal-like as he goes into “hibernation” mode; eating a lot and sleeping a ton. Also, in the cold weather, the small animals that he tends to feast on are harder to find, so his fellow Akatsuki members would be wise to stay out of his sight (and range of smell) during his more hungry periods.

Kisame

Being half-shark, his body is more suited than the others to withstand the cold. Snow is fascinating to him, and he’ll spend a long time just picking up handfuls, feeling them, studying their texture and consistency. The younger ones (Deidara and Hidan) introduce him to the concept of sledding; which he finds a bit pointless ((he’s so tall that his legs stick out of the sled anyway, so he never really goes that fast)) but interesting. Also likes to watch Itachi, as the man makes some surprisingly beautiful snow sculptures ((before they’re inevitably blown up by Deidara, anyway)). If they come across a pond, Kisame will strip down, break through the ice and jump in to swim, much to the horror of the others. Hidan will see Kisame swimming in the freezing water as him ‘showing off’, declare that he can do it too, jump in ... and sink like a brick. Kisame will have to dive deep to pull him out, which Hidan will complain about, saying he was ‘Just warming up, you stupid fucks!” Kisame finds that his multiple water jutsus also work with the snow, making him one of the more fierce opponents during snowball fights.

#the akatsuki #snow day #deidara #sasori #zetsu #obito #tobi #konan #nagato #hidan #kakuzu #itachi uchiha #kisame

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eliemo · 4 years ago

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Should Have Known Better

Summary: It all happened at once, too many people talking, too much anger and hatred and fear, and it was his fault his fault- Virgil felt himself fall backwards, landing hard on the kitchen floor

CW: Panic attacks, arguing, angst with a happy ending. virgil wrongly assumes he’s going to be hit but his family loves him

Read on A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24703804

Really, the fight was ridiculous to begin with. It was nothing that hadn’t happened before, and Virgil definitely should not be feeling the vaguely familiar churn in his gut, the sickly tightening of his chest.

It was a simple disagreement about a new idea Roman had come up with, something “new and spectacular” the creative side had colorfully put it. And of course, Virgil had voiced his concerns. Because that was what he did.

It was easier now- now that he could work with the others rather than against them, a voice to be listened to rather than feared and chased away.

And it wasn’t like they didn’t argue among themselves constantly. As Logan had pointed out, their bickering was usually what got them to any kind of conclusion. And sure, it would get heated sometimes, fingers pointed and name-calling would occasionally occur (usually from Roman) and on certain days it would be more difficult to handle, voices too loud and too much, but it had gotten easier. There was no more malice aimed at him specifically, no more ganging up and refusing to listen, no more hate or scorn from the people he cared so deeply about protecting.

Today, however, maybe things were a bit different.

He’d been a bit too harsh, snapping too quickly and escalating the argument faster than was necessary. It hadn’t been a good morning- or a good couple of days if Virgil was being honest with himself.

He was still reeling after the incident with Deceit, a harsh reminder of how easily the Dark Side could slip into their lives, pulling Virgil right back into the memories of how things used to be.

He hadn’t slept much, and when he did there was nothing but nightmares and flashes of the past, and the last few days that familiar anxious feeling had been steadily building up, making him more jumpy, his paranoia skyrocketing.

The other sides had become accustomed to recognizing the signs of a bad day, especially if it only continued to get worse. This last week, however, everyone had been understandably preoccupied, and Virgil had no right to put his own issues above more pressing matters. It would go away, it always did.

Now, he wondered if he was imagining just how aggressive this argument had become.

“Why do you always do this?” Virgil froze at Prince’s shout, his definitely louder than normal shout, a brief burst of panic clawing at his throat.

He should stop. He should deflate and duck out, give in and let Roman have his way. The other side was angry, on edge, and fed up with his bullshit, and Virgil knew all too well what happened when he pushed an issue with someone blinded by rage.

But Virgil couldn’t stop himself, and the fear and nausea building up in him made him defensive, mouth moving without his brain’s permission.

“Because I’m the one who has to protect Thomas from your stupid ideas! Unlike you, I’m not in this for my own ego!”

Guilt coiled in his gut when he saw hurt flash across Princey’s eyes, but it was quickly drowned out by another wave of fear when the look morphed to anger.

Patton cut him off before he could yell again, but there was no relief in the interruption when the words managed to be somehow even worse.

“Hey, come on Kiddo, that doesn’t seem...Roman’s just trying to help Thomas, you know that.”

The words were laced with disappointment, something that felt like knives to his chest when it came from Patton- the first person to ever see him as anything other than a useless hindrance, especially when it came with the underlying suggestion that Virgil didn’t care about Thomas.

Everything he did, every time he argued, he was just trying to protect him. All of them. Patton knew that, didn’t he?

“I am too!” He said, ignoring the way his voice had become just a bit quieter than before. “Patton, you think I do this just for the hell of it? I’m just trying to make sure Thomas doesn’t--”

“Doesn’t what?” Roman interrupted, too loud too loud too loud. He was angry, all Virgil ever did was make people angry. “Doesn’t live a happy worry free life?”

It wasn’t hard for Virgil to pick up on the unsaid. Thomas would be better off without you. We all would.

Virgil’s throat felt tight, the panic now cold and all consuming. He could feel his heartbeat growing dangerously fast, breaths coming too quick and shallow. He opened his mouth to shoot something back, to keep them from seeing how scared he was, blinded by Roman’s glare and Patton’s irritation.

It was almost a relief when Logan raised a hand to cut him off, stoic and impartial. Virgil wasn’t sure he would even be able to force coherent words out right now.

But then Logan raised an eyebrow at him, not the careful look of concern he gave when he noticed Virgil was having an attack, but something that seemed to be a reflection of both Roman and Patton’s anger.

You made them all mad, you made them mad, they hate you, they hate you they hate you. You’re the outcast again, they don't want you here.

“Virgil, you know we all...appreciate your input-” he hesitated, he’s lying he’s lying “-but logically, this shouldn’t be an issue. You’ve blown this all out of proportion, Virgil. More so than usual.”

He didn’t miss the irritation in the Logical side’s voice, the way all eyes in the room were on him, glaring at him, hating him.

Virgil was suddenly painfully aware of how close they all were, knees practically brushing under the table they’d gathered at in the mindscape’s dining area. In Thomas’s living room, during these arguments there was usually a good amount of space between them.

The only one who could really reach him without crossing the room was Logan. If he was angry enough, he could easily reach through the stair railing and grab Virgil by the hoodie, holding him still while Roman approached, Patton standing to close him in-

But they wouldn’t do that. They wouldn’t.

But...it would be so easy now. They were so close together, and he’s made them so, so angry. He would deserve it anyway, he’d only pushed an issue that didn’t matter, been the bad guy again and pushed the only people who cared about him to the point of-

“Anxiety, are you even listening?”

Virgil flinched at the use of that name, the memories of hate and bitter loneliness rushing back all at once, the annoyance in Prince’s voice burning like acid.

No one seemed to notice, anything Virgil even tried to breathe out overshadowed by Logan’s biting remark. “Virgil, we do expect you to at least listen to—“

“Are you ok, Virge?”

It all happened at once, too many people talking, too much anger and hatred and fear, and it was his fault his fault-

He had barely even heard what Patton had said, unable to comprehend the concern building when he was so focused on Roman, who hadn’t stopped ranting.

The creative side raised his hand- and it was just a gesture, just a dramatic gesture, Virgil knew that.

Roman often spoke with his hands when he was worked up, always flamboyant, always moving. Virgil was used to that, it had never bothered him before. It was harmless.

But all of that went right out the window the second he saw Roman raise his arm up, still consumed with anger, and everything after that was a blur of panicked instinct.

He jerked backwards, eyes squeezing shut as the chair tipped over, stumbling on suddenly unsteady legs, everything spinning and far away.

He thought he heard voices, angry no doubt, angry at him for being such a baby, for making such a big deal over a problem he created, but the blood was rushing to his head, heart pounding in his ears.

Virgil felt himself fall backwards, landing hard on the kitchen floor. Without thinking he brought his hands up to block his face, to protect himself as much as he could, whimpering despite himself when he heard approaching footsteps. He curled in on himself, tense and waiting.

“Virge?”

There was a hand on his shoulder, and Virgil flinched back so fast he didn’t realize he’d slammed into the wall until a flare of pain shot up his back.

“Virgil! What’s wrong?”

He was fairly sure it was Patton talking, voice muffled by Virgil’s own out of control breathing, the panic attack building up faster and faster.

Through the haze of fear, Virgil thought that maybe Patton was the one side who wouldn’t hurt him for this. Patton was kind, he wasn’t one to get angry easily, despite how impulsive and protective of Thomas he could be.

The other two could often be swayed by their anger, but Virgil knew they wouldn’t do anything drastic to him if he didn’t deserve it.

Only, Virgil did deserve it. He’d been stupid and unfair, and some anxious part of him had driven him to tear apart the family he’d waited so long for. They had every right to lash out however they saw fit.

And yet here he was, cowering on the floor like a child, unable to stop the string of please that barely translated to breathy, shaking words.

“I- I’m sorry, I sorry guys, we- we can do w-whatever...whatever you guys want I was just- I was just…”

“Hey, Virge it’s ok,” he heard Patton say, and Virgil thought there was a hint of confusion in his voice. “It was just an argument, honey. What’s wrong?”

Slowly and cautiously, painfully aware of how badly he was trembling in his little heap, Virgil glanced up from the floor, face burning when his vision was blurred with hot tears.

Patton was crouched on the floor a few steps away, looking like a deer in the headlights, eyes brimming with his own tears behind his glasses. A spark of hope ignited in Virgil’s chest. Patton wasn’t angry anymore. Patton didn’t look like he wanted to hurt him.

Out of the corner of his eye, Virgil could see Roman and Logan where he’d left them at the table. They’d both stood up at some point, frozen at their chairs, but Virgil didn’t let himself look long enough to see their expressions, pushing himself back against the wall at the cruel reminder of how angry they’d all been.

“Virgil,” Logan said, and Virgil flinched before he could stop himself. “You need to breathe. 4, 7, 8, remember? We—“

“Can’t—“ he gasped out, the uncertainty mixing with fear only making his panic worse. “Can’t breathe, I can’t-- I--please I’m- I’m sorry I’m sorr--”

“Hey kiddo, it’s alright,” Patton said, Virgil latching desperately onto the kindness he could pick up on in the words. “It was just a little argument. I think we all got a little carried away, right guys?”

“Of course!” Roman agreed, still too loud, too close to becoming angry again. “I apologize, I was not acting very...princely, I suppose. If I had known it would…” he trailed off, and Virgil could practically see the crestfallen look in his eyes at the anxious side’s reaction to his voice.

But Virgil couldn’t help it. Because no matter how loud the rational part of his mind screamed at him that everything was fine, it was just Roman and Roman wasn’t angry, Roman would never hurt him, it was buried under the relentless waves of panic.

He would hate himself for the reaction later, he was sure, guilt bubbling somewhere beneath the fear, but the sound of Roman’s voice only made him cry harder, chest squeezing out what little air he could get, leaving him sobbing uncontrollably on the floor, still waiting for a blow that he knew would never come.

“Oh kiddo, oh no we...Logan what do we--”

Patton’s voice faded as Virgil’s breathing got worse, rocking himself slightly, gasping desperately for air he wasn’t allowed to get. He shouldn’t be reacting like this. He shouldn’t. They were his family. They wouldn’t hurt him, no matter how pathetic or annoying he was being, no matter how much a nuisance he was, no matter how much he held Thomas back.

Because that's what he did. That was all he did, no matter how hard he tried to be good, to help and protect, to get the people he cared so much about to just understand. They knew in the long run, they were better off without him. They only put up with him because they had to. If they had an excuse to get rid of him-

What if this was a good enough excuse. He’d made them all pointlessly angry, right after Deceit had tried to manipulate them. He was a Dark Side. They knew that. What if all of Patton’s love wasn’t enough to convince the others not to treat him like one?

What if--

“Virgil.”

Virgil’s eyes snapped open at the calm, carefully calculating voice of Logan, who had somehow managed to kneel by his side without the other noticing his approach. The logical side had begun to reach forward, hand hovering over Virgil’s knee but not touching.

Virgil froze completely, gasping breaths coming to a halt, eyes glued to the unmoving hand. The hand that could so easily grab for him if it wanted to. It wasn’t like he could do much in this state, weak and dizzy, easy to overwhelm.

“Virgil,” Logan said again, that familiar gentle tone he took when Virgil was having an attack. “You’re safe. You’re with us, you’re ok. You’re suffering from cognitive distortions. I assure you, whatever is happening is not--”

“Are you going to hurt me?”

Virgil hadn’t even realized he’d spoken until Logan’s reassurances were abruptly cut off, his hand disappearing from view, the room deathly still and quiet.

And suddenly it was so much worse. Because he couldn't bring himself to look up, couldn’t see the look in Logan’s eyes, couldn’t see where he put his hand-

Virgil’s eyes went to Patton, wide and desperate and clouded with so much irrational fear.

“I’m...I’m sorry,” he stuttered, not even sure why he was apologizing anymore, definitely unsure of what he was even afraid of. They weren’t going to hit him or send him away. They wouldn’t. “Sorry, sorry I’m sorry I argued I-I shouldn’t have-should have...should have stopped I’m sorry, you guys can—“

“Virgil.” That was Roman, and there was something about the creative side so easily using his name again that made him stop his rambling. “You don’t need to...you’re not in danger, Virge. Nobody’s upset with you.”

Virgil blinked, glancing wildly around the room at the three sides, his thoughts battling with reason, aching chest struggling to take in shaky breaths.

“But…” they weren’t going to hurt him, they weren’t going to hurt him, “But I...you were mad. I shouldn’t- shouldn’t have kept arguing.”

They argued all the time. It shouldn’t have been any different. But Roman had never...shouted at him like that before, the others were usually able to reign him back in. And they all hadn’t been against him like that, treating him like the antagonist since...since before things had gotten better.

And then he’d been called Anxiety. A slip up that usually would never have been a problem, but today- when things had only been building up with no release, reminders of Deceit and dark sides, it had all been too much.

“Virgil,” Logan said softly, and Virgil winced, everything just a bit too loud. “Can you look at me, please?”

Virgil swallowed, throat still dry and tight, breathing still too fast and painful. But he obeyed, tense and trembling, raising his head to meet Logan’s gaze.

The logical side, though his worry was still evident, gave a small, reassuring smile. “Nobody’s going to hurt you, Virgil.”

And that undid something in him. Because he’d known that, he’d known his family would never hurt him. But hearing it said aloud for him, so simple like it was never even a question, that was all he needed to finally take a full breath, shoulders dropping their defensive stance.

He took in shuddering breath after shuddering breath, unable to stop the hiccuping sobs that escaped in between.

“Oh, kiddo.” Patton was beside him now, hands still hovering, tears welling up in his eyes. “Can I touch you?”

Virgil nodded, refusing to be ashamed of how desperately he needed the physical reminder of safety. He leaned forward, shutting his eyes as he slumped against Patton’s chest, the other side quickly wrapping his arms around Virgil’s back.

“Hey, hey you’re ok,” Patton whispered, holding him close. “Copy my breathing, ok? I’m right here. Hold for four…”

It took some time, as it usually did during a bad panic attack, Patton guiding him though his breathing exercises, breaths slow and exaggerated, voice quiet and soothing.

Virgil almost fell back into a fit of panic when it dawned on him just how stupid he’d been, how tired everyone must be of him doing things like this.

But then Patton kept talking to him, Logan offering gentle reassurances, Roman sending him guilty smiles every time he catches Virgil's wandering gaze, and everything slows down again.

He’s beyond exhausted by the time his breathing slows enough for Patton to be satisfied, his lungs no longer screaming for air. He was too weak to even sit up on his own now, still shaky and sore, eyes heavy and drooping.

He barely even felt himself being lifted off the floor, held in steady, safe arms and carried away from the kitchen. When he did manage to open his eyes, it was to a white suit and Roman looking down at him like Virgil was the only thing in the world that mattered.

Virgil swallowed, guilt rising up in his chest at the reminder of how he’d acted, how the sound of Roman’s voice had driven him deeper into a senseless panic. He could only imagine how bad he’d made Roman feel for something that wasn’t remotely the creative side’s fault.

“I’m sorry,” he slurred, his mouth refusing to cooperate with his muddled mind. “Didn’t...didn’t mean to make you--”

“I shouldn’t have yelled,” Roman said, smiling softly like it was as simple as that. “I should have seen you were having a bad day.”

Virgil tried to shrug, but it was nearly impossible with a body that felt like lead cradled against Prince’s chest while they made their way to the couch.

“It’s ok.”

Roman slowly lowered Virgil onto the cushions, hesitating briefly before settling down next to him, giving the anxious side plenty of time to protest or move away. Not that Virgil would, Roman a welcome distraction from the shivers still racking his body.

“Patton’s getting you some water,” Prince explained. “And Logan’s running to find extra blankets. Do you...want to be alone?”

Any other time, Virgil might have been embarrassed by how quickly he shook his head, and later he would definitely deny the way he leaned into the warmth of Roman’s touch. But he didn’t miss the quiet sigh of relief that came from the other side, or the fond smile he couldn’t quite shake.

Roman hummed under his breath, carding his fingers through Virgil’s hair as he gradually drifted off, vaguely aware of someone draping a blanket over his shoulders, two more weights settling on either side of him.

Virgil was fading before he could even think to try to make out what any of them were saying, the distant sound of their voices lulling him to sleep, still aware of the protective hold Prince had on him.

#thomas sanders #sanders sides #virgil sanders #roman sanders #logan sanders #patton sanders #ts virgil #misunderstandings #panic tw #polysanders #platonic lamp #prinxiety #hurt/comfort #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3

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sepublic · 4 years ago

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Lilith Can’t Decide

Once again I have latched onto yet another song that I feel describes Lilith; Specifically, I Can’t Decide by Scissor Sisters! It’s not exactly a one-to-one match, but I think it works well as a metaphor for a young Lilith deciding whether or not she should curse her little sister Eda, juggling with her genuine love and desire to be with Eda, and balancing that with her resentment at being left behind, at being constantly outdone, thinking her own dream is being taken away from her… OR, it could be a Dark AU/development on Lilith’s character, a version of her that just spirals into a descent of further toxicity and co-dependency towards Eda. Looking at the lyrics;

It's not easy having yourself a good time Greasing up those bets and betters Watching out they don't four-letter F*ck and kiss you both at the same time Smells like something I've forgotten Curled up died and now it's rotten

I doubt Lilith was a happy person, at least not without Eda- She didn’t seem to have a whole lot of self-confidence, and in the present-day, seems rather clingy to her sister. I wouldn’t be shocked if Eda was Lilith’s only friend… And in this one photo we see of Eda and a childhood friend, Lilith is in the background, looking unhappy and possibly jealous. Coupled with insecurity at not feeling good enough, being attached to Eda and maybe even dependent upon her for a sense of validation; And it’s not easy for Lilith to feel good about herself, to be happy, to have fun… Not when she’s always stressing over joining the Emperor’s Coven. Lilith has lost so many times that she can’t just take joy in playing the game- For once, she wants to actually win. And she’s no doubt lost many bets and challenges with Eda over the years…

Now, F*ck in this scenario is not literal, for obvious reasons… In this case, it could be interpreted as ‘screwing someone over’, AKA causing trouble for Eda, while at the same time smothering her with sisterly kisses; Lilith loves Eda, but she’s also about to cause her little sister a WHOLE lot of trouble and basically ruin the rest of her life, while also shortening it. Not that Lilith realizes this- She thinks the curse will only be weakened magic for a day. But even so, she’s cheating Eda out of her spot in the Emperor’s Coven- Even if Lilith thinks that Eda will probably make it in later anyway because she’s THAT talented.

“Smells like something I’ve forgotten” could easily allude to Lilith not paying attention, not really considering the consequences of the curse… And it could be Lilith choosing to ignore Eda’s dilemma when she IS cursed and transforms the next day, instead focusing on her spot in the Emperor’s Coven. Lilith has basically forgotten her sister, about her love for her- She’s neglected to take care of her bond with Eda, and now it’s curled up and died, become rotten. It’s imagery that invokes the skeleton in the closet, which applies well to Lilith cursing Eda and constantly being reminded that she did so, in the back of her head…

I'm not a gangster tonight Don't wanna be a bad guy I'm just a loner baby And now you've gotten in my way

Lilith insists to herself, she believes she’s not a bad person- She wants to join the prestigious Emperor’s Coven that enforces law and order… She’s only doing what her idol Emperor Belos would do, in HER situation! And she’s not even wrong about that latter point. Lilith doesn’t want to curse Eda, she doesn’t want to be a bad person… But she’s lonely and she wants validation from the Emperor’s Coven, and Lilith knows that Eda would do better without that coven, than Lilith herself. Lilith feels alone, like she has no support, like her own sister Eda isn’t helping her and is instead throwing Lilith under the bus to join the Emperor’s Coven…

And now Eda’s gotten in the way of Lilith’s dreams, of Lilith’s idea of them being in the coven together; Because to her, Eda will surely always be able to join another time (that’s what she clearly believes as an adult), so really this is just a matter of whether or not Lilith will be by her side. Lilith is essentially victim-blaming Eda in this scenario, and Eda has no idea; And Lilith is absolving herself of guilt and blame by claiming that she had no other choice, that she takes no joy in this, and so forth. But as we see, with how Lilith sometimes taunts Eda about the curse and her age- Lilith DID take some joy in this, and she was the bad guy. Her arc involved finally recognizing this and making a change.

But right now; She comes to a moment of accusatory, blaming conviction at Eda, as she begins to make her decision…

I can't decide Whether you should live or die Oh, you'll probably go to heaven Please don't hang your head and cry No wonder why My heart feels dead inside It's cold and hard and petrified Lock the doors and close the blinds We're going for a ride

In this case, “Live or die” is a metaphor for Lilith deciding whether or not to curse Eda. Lilith is assuaging her concerns and dismissing them by insisting to herself that Eda will be just fine without her, that Eda will be fine afterwards… Sure, Eda won’t make it into the Emperor’s Coven now- But she’s skilled enough to have other chances! Lilith doesn’t have that, and even if Eda never made it into the Emperor’s Coven… She’s so talented and amazing (and Lilith genuinely believes this) that Lilith is sure Eda will make her way in life regardless! Eda can excel at whatever she chooses, but Lilith… The Emperor’s Coven is the ONLY option she has to feel worthwhile. Whatever happens to Eda, Lilith assures her it’ll be all right; But she’s also disregarding Eda’s genuine grief with the system in some ways, at the unfairness of it all… Lilith is silencing Eda’s pain and blocking it out in order to justify what she’s done/is about to do.

And Lilith… She no doubt is thinking about how she IS dead inside, how she’s resigned to this level of self-loathing. And deep-down she wonders if she’s actually a monster who doesn’t actually feel love, and that’s why she’s okay with this; And that allusion to petrification takes on another meaning with what almost happened to Eda, as a result of her capture by Lilith at the end of Season 1. Does Lilith think she should’ve been petrified- Does she think petrification would’ve matched on the outside, what she already was within? No wonder she’s miserable, if Lilith is willing to betray her own sister like this; No wonder she’s in such despair, having just committed this kind of guilty sin and treachery. To even think and consider this means Lilith is a terrible person- And this realization makes her feel depressed and dead inside as the guilt of who she is haunts her for the rest of her life.

In the end, Lilith is locking the doors and closing the blinds as she prepares to go out to the Night Market for that curse… And yes, her and Eda WILL be in quite the ride, for the rest of their lives when the curse unveils itself the next day.

It's a bitch convincing people to like you If I stop now call me a quitter If lies were cats you'd be a litter Pleasing everyone isn't like you Dancing jigs until I'm crippled Slug ten drinks I won't get pickled

The first line could be Lilith talking about how hard it is to be loved… How she thinks of herself as a loser, and joining the Emperor’s Coven means approval from both the Emperor AND the Isles as a whole. It means Lilith becoming a role model that’s admired by kids like her, all across the Boiling Isles… Lilith wants to be recognized and appreciated, but that’s just hard for her on multiple levels.

Or… It’s Lilith talking to EDA, complaining about how hard it is to look after Eda, to provide for her; To convince others that despite Eda’s trouble, she’s worth the time of day! I can see Lilith vouching for Eda several times, working to do damage-control whenever Eda got in trouble, trying to insist to others that her little sister really IS a good person… And as an adult, Lilith has to explain to Belos that Eda doesn’t deserve to be petrified, she’s actually an amazing witch with so much potential, who’d do way better as a member of his coven than as a statue! She’s vouching for Eda to the Emperor’s Coven, and she feels like Eda isn’t appreciating her efforts; And Lilith feels like she’s beginning to jeopardize herself as well, what with Kikimora questioning her biases.

If Lilith just gives up now, the system would no doubt dismiss her as a quitter; And it could be an angry jab at Eda’s support for quitting, as see with her Quitter’s Badge as an adult. The competitive nature of the coven system means that to Lilith, she doesn’t want to ‘quit’, she doesn’t want to lose- And on the flipside… If Lilith stops trying to vouch for Eda as an adult, Eda would no doubt accuse her of not taking care of her own sister, of being a traitor. Either way, Lilith feels like her efforts aren’t being appreciated and acknowledged, and that if she were to stop, she’d be ridiculed. Lilith also accuses Eda of lies… Does she accuse Eda of lying to her about being by her side; About going into the Emperor’s Coven together, as they planned?

Does Lilith think of Eda as a liar, whenever Eda pretends to approach her on good terms, only to rebuke her; Like at the end of Covention, or when Luz-Eda seemingly got captured to join the Emperor’s Coven, and then changed her mind? Or is this Lilith talking to herself- Because of all the lies she tells herself and others, about how it’s all fine… That she doesn’t know who cursed Eda, that this for her and everyone else’s own good, and that the Emperor’s Coven is a just and noble cause. The biggest lie of all to Lilith, is that she’s happy. Regardless, Lilith also laments about how Eda doesn’t care for pleasing others, that she doesn’t intend to conform- It’s distinctive and characteristic of her sister, to Lilith’s chagrin, because it causes issues… And to Lilith, Eda doesn’t make HER happy by compromising, by going into the Emperor’s Coven- She’s always causing trouble because she just has to, she can never make things easy and makes it so hard to love Eda…

I've got to hand it to you You've played by all the same rules It takes the truth to fool me And now you've made me angry

Yet for all of Lilith’s resentment and jealousy towards Eda; She knows that Eda deserves this more than her. She admits that Eda always worked harder, that she was always more passionate and smarter about everything. The Coven System is easy to justify when it places you on top, because it’s a meritocracy- And now Lilith has to begrudgingly acknowledge that if Eda is doing better, then according to the system, it’s because Eda IS better. Sure, Eda sometimes cheats- But by the end of the day, cheating or not, as shown in Wing it like Witches… Eda will always be superior.

As for the truth- Lilith is always in denial of reality. Eda says she’ll never join the Emperor’s Coven as an adult, yet Lilith is so certain that Eda secretly wants to, or will eventually change her mind. Likewise, Lilith’s insecurity leads her to believe things that aren’t true- It makes Lilith think Eda doesn’t actually care about her, would throw her under the bus to join the Emperor’s Coven… So Lilith is so incredibly blind-sided by the reality that Eda would never do this. Lilith doesn’t want to admit that she’s wrong and it’s all for naught- So the truth is secretly a lie to her.

And now… Now Eda’s made her angry. Eda’s taking away this dream from Lilith by being so much better… She’s made Lilith’s curse unnecessary by refusing to duel, making Lilith feel like a fool; And in Agony of a Witch, Eda makes Lilith so angry and bitter, that she confesses to the curse in a brief fit of spite.

(Cue repeat lyrics)

Oh, I could throw you in the lake Or feed you poisoned birthday cake I won't deny I'm gonna miss you when you're gone Oh, I could bury you alive But you might crawl out with a knife And kill me when I'm sleeping That's why

These different methods of murder can serve as a metaphor for Lilith deciding how to sabotage Eda, how to cheat her way to victory. Lilith is going to miss her bond with Eda, because she knows that she’s about to jeopardize and sabotage it, potentially irreparably; Either way, Lilith is saying goodbye to those innocent times with Eda, to that guiltless friendship… And Lilith is saying goodbye to an un-cursed Eda, and innocent one who was never betrayed. She DOES miss Eda, and she will- She takes no pleasure in this! Lilith will make sure to tenderly remember Eda, that she does appreciate what Eda did for her, and will use her contributions and ‘sacrifice’ to achieve well as Head of the Emperor’s Coven…

But Lilith knows and fears retribution from Eda. When Eda finds out about the curse… Or in general, Eda’s justified anger at Lilith forsaking her for the Emperor’s Coven, for continuing to support a corrupt organization. For ignoring what the coven system has done to Eda and so many others; It’s the guilt and potential for retribution that haunts Lilith and scares her. It’s the unexpected consequences of what she’s done- Which become the unexpected side-effects of the curse… Because Lilith makes so many mistakes believing that the effects won’t be as severe as they actually turn out to be; Such as by losing Amity’s respect by placing that power glyph, or inciting Luz’s anger at her after Lilith completely forgot about the girl.

And that imagery of being attacked in one’s sleep is certainly ironic, considering how Lilith ended up cursing Eda… And how fitting is then, that Lilith herself becomes cursed like Eda, and is now going to live life in her shoes, as a fellow outcast and criminal from the Emperor’s Coven! Lilith will sell trash, struggle to get elixir… But she’ll also taste freedom and meet people like Luz and King. Lilith will understand what Eda went through, how she suffered- But also how Eda became so much happier away from the system… Lilith is going to see life through Eda’s eyes, appreciate Eda’s decisions, and no longer blame her for them- And she’ll soon agree and even provide support for Eda’s choices, and want to participate in that life, to get back into that family and connection.

(Cue repeat lyrics- And that’s end of the song!)

In the end, we know what decision Lilith made. We see the indecisiveness, but eventually she does it… And she regrets it. The consequences DO come back to haunt her, and it’s why Lilith can’t trust herself to make any decisions- Because she knows that her judgment is flawed and she’ll always screw up, even when she doesn’t mean to. Perhaps Lilith will feel like she’s affirming the judgment and doubt of others, as well as herself… We know the rest of the story and how it plays out, this is all just lamentable history. What’s done is done, and Lilith knows both then and now that she’s so sad and pathetic for even being at this crossroads, for not even having the confidence to make a decisive choice- And it’s humiliating and embarrassing and frustrating, all the same. She wishes she had the conviction of Belos, or Eda… But she just doesn’t mean.

But… at the Owl House, maybe Lilith WILL get that conviction. She’s now making the choice to help Eda and change- So for once, Lilith might get some agency and initiative in life, and learn to control her own circumstances… And to make her OWN destiny, as Eda always advised! Lilith can own up what’s happened to her and do something about it, get a say of what goes on, and who she is- She can overcome this song of helpless indecision, this song lamenting that the narrator has even come to this point in life; It’s sad that Lilith even reached this kind of choice because of her own poor decisions… But at least now, she can finally move on and get to a better place. There was a hilarity in despair, but now Lilith can actually laugh in relief and happiness for once.

#the owl house #toh #scissor sisters #the owl house lilith #lilith clawthorne #I can't decide #toh lilith #meta

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buckyodinson · 5 years ago

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Protector (Mandalorian x Reader)

Request from @the-mechanical-angel : Mando tends to overprotect the reader, which causes tension until one day he grows tired and sends her away, she does but there's an ambush and she's severely wounded. He manages to rescue her and rushes to a doctor and while she's unconscious he stays by her side and realizes he's in love with her?

Word Count: 2k

Warnings: some violence, nothing overly graphic though!

“It’s ridiculous Din! I can handle myself out there. I don’t need you to watch my back constantly!” You hiss at Din as you both walk back to the Crest, dragging the unconscious bounty between you.

“I know you’re capable, but if I’m there and able to, I’m gonna help when someone’s coming at you. You’d do the same for me, I don’t see what the problem is?” He sighed as he spoke, and despite the modulator, you can hear the annoyed tone he’s sporting.

“I get that, Din. I do. But you pushed me out of the way to take on all four of them yourself! Where’s the logic there? I wouldn’t do that to you, because I respect your ability to do your job!”

“I respect you too, it’s just-“

“Just what?!” You come to an abrupt stop and he turns around to face you, and you raise your eyebrows, expecting him to answer you but he remains silent.

You sigh, “It doesn’t feel like you respect me. I feel like a child when you pull shit like that! If that’s how you’re gonna treat me on hunts, why not just leave me on the ship with the baby?”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

“Of course not!” You throw your arms in the air and give an empty laugh.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Anytime I think I’m close to understanding something about you, you close yourself off! We’re supposed to be a team, Din, but I’m feeling a lot more like a liability recently.”

He sighs again, “You’re not a liability. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” You hear a little break in his voice, and you know he means well but you have to hold your ground.

“I can handle myself. I knew what I was getting into when I joined the Guild. Same as you... I’m tired of this Din.” After silence falls between you, you sigh again and turn around, starting to walk back to the town you’d just come from.

“Where are you going?” He shouted after you.

“I need a drink. I’ll be back in a while.”

He watched you go, angry at himself for not admitting the real reason he felt so protective over you. He dragged the bounty the rest of the way to the Crest and put him in carbonite before checking on the Child and walking back to the town to find you and apologise.

In the meantime, you’d hunkered down in a booth in some run-down cantina, and you were on your second drink when a man sat down opposite you and tried to strike up a conversation.

You made friendly conversation with him, but kept your hand under the table over your blaster, ready for any trouble. It didn’t come, however. After a few minutes, he simply wished you a good evening and left the booth. What you didn’t notice was the discreet nod he gave to someone else at the bar, who then followed him out of the cantina.

You finished your drink, and sighed deeply, worried about what Din would say once you got back to the Crest. You felt bad for over-reacting, but you really were at your wits end with his over-protectiveness. You briefly wondered if he harboured deeper feelings for you, and just wasn’t admitting them, but then you dismissed it simply as the rambling thoughts of your slightly tipsy brain.

You tossed a few credits to the droid behind the bar as you walked out of the cantina and into the cool evening air of the now quiet town. You were too busy looking at how beautiful the sunset was to notice you were being followed by the man at the bar and several of his accomplices, all with weapons drawn.

You only realised you were in trouble when you felt something being shoved into your back and you received an electric shock so strong you dropped to the floor, convulsing.

“...w-what the hell?” You stuttered as the shock slowly trickled to a stop and you sat up, looking at the men lined up before you.

“Make this easy for yourself and tell us where it is.” One spat at you, and you realised it was the man from the bar, and you sighed. Din wouldn’t let you hear the end of this. If you made it out of this alive, that is. You wished right about now that Din was here is all his protective glory, but it hit you that you were very much alone in this.

“If you’d waited a bit longer, I would’ve led you right to my ship, asshole.” You countered, not even bothering to pretend you didn’t know what they were talking about.

“Is that how you wanna play this?” He smirked back at you, and you stood up and put your hands on your hips, eyebrows raised, trying desperately to seem calm.

He nodded to one of his men, who proceeded to shoot you in the leg before you even had the chance to pull your own blaster. You fall to the ground once more, clutching the blaster burn on your thigh, hot tears staining your cheeks.

“Where’s your Mandalorian friend now?”

“I don’t need him, asshole.” You shuffle to your knees, subtly grabbing a flash charge from your belt as you do so.

“Are you sure about that? Seems like you could really use the help right about now.” He smirks again and you wish you could slap it right off his face.

“Oh yeah?” You set the flash charge off, blinding the men temporarily as you make a run for it, grabbing your blaster and landing shots on at least three of them as you go.

They’re much quicker than you because of your leg, and soon enough, you’re being tackled to the ground with a knee shoved into your back.

“Tell us where the kid is, and we’ll let you live.”

“I’m not telling you anything. I’ll die before I let anyone get anywhere near it.”

“So be it. He’ll come for you soon enough.” The knee is removed from your back but before you can stand, a blaster shot hits you square in the back and everything goes black.

Din was almost at the town when he heard the blaster fire, and he picked up his pace, knowing you had to be involved. When he rounded the corner, he was just in time to see you being shot in the back, and in his anger, all he saw was red. He grabbed his rifle and within seconds, he’d already disintegrated three of the men. The sight of those three just disappearing had a few of the others running, and it left the leader and two other men who tried to hold their ground. Din shot at the ones who ran away as he approached the three left. Seeing you laying still on the ground brought out something almost feral in him, and he didn’t stop until all the men were dead.

He pulled his vibroblade out and made quick work of killing the last three, barely breaking a sweat as he did so. When he was satisfied, he ran to you and found you unresponsive with a worryingly low heart rate. The amount of blood pouring out from the wound had Din in tears behind his helmet, and he picked you up carefully and ran to the town doctor, practically breaking the door down in his haste to get help. He threw a handful of credits at the doctor and begged for her help.

The doctor did her best to fix the damage the shot to your back had caused. She was initially worried you wouldn’t be able to walk again, and the thought terrified Din, but by some miracle, the shot hadn’t actually hit your spine. There was some nerve damage, and obviously tissue damage, but you would survive.

It took you a long time to wake up, however. Din paced the small room all night, waiting for you to open your eyes, but you didn’t. The only time he left the room was to go back to the Crest and grab the Child, but he came right back and paced some more, at least with the Child providing a little comfort.

He did this for 3 days. The doctor was kind enough to bring food for him and the Child, and Din paid her generously for her troubles. He barely touched the food himself, too sick to eat (the Child was happy to eat what he left though), desperately praying for you to wake up.

He was beginning to grow exhausted, but he couldn’t sleep until he knew you were okay, no matter how long it took. You had to be okay. You had to be. He pulled up a chair next to the bed you were laying on, and sat in it, reaching for one of your hands and holding it tightly between his own.

“Please, cyar’ika. You’ve gotta wake up. I can’t do this alone. I’ve spent all these years thinking I didn’t need anybody else. And that was true. Until you came along. And you were a nightmare to begin with. You were so stubborn.” He lets out a breathy chuckle and his voice shakes as he continues, “...b-but, I knew right away that my life had changed. For the better. You made it seem like I had something to live for. Why you put up with me, I’ll never know. But I’m so grateful for you. And I’m so sorry it took me until now to admit that I love you...” He shocks himself with his admission and he pauses, “I love you. And I need you to wake up so I can tell you.”

Din eventually passes out from sheer exhaustion, your hand still held firmly between his own. And after he’s been asleep for a few hours, you stir, sighing at the dull pain across your back as you shuffle on the bed slightly, noticing the resistance from your hand. Your eyebrows shoot up when you look over and see Din clasping your hand, and your heart starts to thump at the sight. The beeps on the monitor rouse Din from his sleep and he jolts awake, eyes landing on you blinking wearily.

Before your have a chance to say anything, he’s wrapping his arms around you, being careful of your injury, but holding you tight, “Don’t ever do that to me again. I thought I was gonna lose you.” You heard his shaky voice through the helmet and your face screwed up in confusion as he pulled away and put his hands on your cheeks.

“What happened?” You croaked, and Din grabbed you a glass of water, bringing it over to you.

You sipped from it as he sat back in the chair and spoke, “You got in a big fight in the town after we argued.” You nodded solemnly, remembering the stupid argument you’d had, and how you’d only proved him right by getting yourself into this mess.

“I’m glad you’re okay.” He placed his hands on your cheeks yet again and you looked down at him as he leaned up and rested his helmeted forehead against yours. You shut your eyes and smiled at the feeling and you heard Din whisper through the modulator the three words you’d always wished he’d say to you, “I love you.”

You also heard the sharp intake of breath he took after he spoke, and you smiled at his nervousness before returning the sentiment and seeing him relax and practically melt into his chair, dragging his hands over the front of his helmet.

“But if you pull this kind of stunt again, I’m gonna have a hard time forgiving you.” He points a stern finger at you and you laugh in response, reaching for his hand and holding it tightly.

#mandalorian x reader #din djarin x reader #pedro pascal x reader #mando x reader #mandalorian angst

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wangxiandecoded · 4 years ago

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Episode 5

Previous Episode | Next Episode

(Spoilers for the whole show ahead!)

Episode 5 is chock full of moments and fun romantic tropes that make it hard to believe this show passed the censorship.

Wei Ying has already taken Lan Zhan as his soulmate of many lifetimes and started confiding secrets in him. He gets dragged away to copy all the rules he broke but it’s ok Wei Ying, Lan Zhan has to notice the undeniable chemistry you share at some point.

The Yiling Patriarch Invented Gay Pining

The sheer amount of pining in this scene.. How did he not burn a hole through the library?

Guy takes a break from admiring the beauty of his crush, starts admiring his calligraphy instead.

The Many Names Wei Ying Calls Him

Calling your beloved by his every name to get his attention. Success! He responds to the name with intimate connotations. But oh no! He actually looked at you! What do you do now? Head empty. Quick! Ask him why he’s ignoring you and subtly remind him that he has the right to express his anger by using your formal name for completely logical reasons.

I understand Wei Ying's feelings, it must be maddening to meet the love of your life and want to skip to the domestic stages of romance, when he still considers you an unruly stranger who has no business with him.

Can we take a second to appreciate what a pure soul Wei Ying is for wanting to constantly do better and learn what he did for Lan Zhan to hate him so much? He apologizes not once but repeatedly for breaking the rules and assures Lan Zhan he would never attack him with the intention to harm. (Wei Ying sweetie, you did nothing wrong, he just isn't ready to admit you're melting his heart.)

All he wants is your attention. Just spare him some him, Lan Zhan! I have no clue how someone can say no to Wei Ying when he’s being this cute. Lan Zhan’s self-restraint must really be something else.

This line and Wei Ying's gay ass smile is so damning. I do not know how some Chinese censor officials did not have conniptions over this.. were they too blinded by heteronormativity, perhaps? Even Lan Zhan has had enough and charms him into silence.

Looking At Him When He’s Not Looking

Looking at your bro when you think he isn't aware you're looking at him, but he's actually painting a portrait of you when you aren't looking at him. I’m done with these idiots.

Wei Ying's heartfelt apology is obvious to us but Lan Zhan's definition of sincerity is abiding by the rules, which Wei Ying gives into for him, with a lot of effort. If that’s not love, what is?

More pining. Wei Ying makes one last attempt at wooing Lan Zhan for the day by giving him a parting gift. (For what exactly? Monitoring him while he carried out his punishment? Love is so irrational, y’all.)

The last touch he gives to Lan Zhan's portrait is adding a flower to his forehead ribbon. This is how Wei Ying really sees Lan Zhan - not as the intimidating Lan Wangji from Gusu Lan clan, but the guy he finds cute when he's lost in concentration. It pains me to see Wei Ying do so much to win his heart.

Lan Zhan Thinks Everything Wei Ying Does Is “Boring”

Wei Ying asks him to say something other than “boring” for a change and this is his reply. What makes their relationship so captivating is their contrasting personalities. Every time Lan Zhan thinks Wei Ying is being ridiculous and goes, “Boring,” I think he actually finds Wei Ying kind of amazing and that’s annoying because it is nothing but a hindrance to the way of life expected from him. It is boring and ridiculous to Lan Zhan that he is starting to get used to Wei Ying’s presence in his life. It is boring that he’s beginning to notice and personally care for a single person instead of the world. It is boring how someone is breaking the seamless silence Lan Zhan has spent most his life wrapped up in and suddenly making it overflow with words - words he does not vocalize but Wei Ying hears anyway. That’s what finding the right person feels like, after all. So it is boring that Wei Ying, with his stupid grin, is so close to coming into his life, throwing out the worldly matters Lan Zhan is supposed to be devoted to and asking him, “Lan Zhan, isn’t it funny that I’m your worldly matter now?”

I guess Wei Ying does get his wish in the end. Lan Zhan erupts and calls him "Wei Ying" for the first time ever because he made him open an erotic book, more specifically one that features explicit gay art. The production team is so slick, I felt giddy the first time I saw this. But still, I don’t think Lan Zhan was being fair, I’m sure he broke a rule that said it’s a great offense to reject someone’s gift.

Lan Zhan strikes me as a closeted baby gay raised on ascetic principles, and Wei Ying’s confident chaotic bi energy is predictably sending his poor world for a toss. No wonder he was ready to duel it out with him. What are the implications of this, Wei Ying? You showed a Lan clan member gay erotic art and assured him there is absolutely nothing wrong in enjoying it. Do you want to kill him?

And remember Wei Ying got this book from Nie Huaisang who has also been queer-coded. After a point, you lose sight of how many characters seem hella gay on this show.

Nonetheless, it is impressive that there is someone who can make the disciplined, detached Hanguang-Jun lose his calm and even get him to swear. Of course it ends up being something for Wei Ying to brag about later. It is indeed an accomplishment that few people can claim as their own.

Can We Buy An Island For Our President Zewu Jun?

Zewu Jun is not even being subtle here. Why is he smiling? Seriously, why?! The fact that his brother called this guy by his formal name which can be used only by people you're close to? The fact that he followed Wei Ying to the secluded part of the Cloud Recesses? Or because he was unable to find the real person since he's fixated on Wei Ying? Knowing our President, it's probably all of the above.

The show's clever usage of Zewu Jun as the emotional compass who points precisely to what Lan Zhan feels is definitely one of my favorite things. We see that Lan Zhan often says one thing about Wei Ying but means another and Zewu Jun is the stand-in for the audience who knows the truth.

We can see the contrast of a speechless Lan Zhan when Zewu Jun confronts him about wanting Wei Ying's company versus the facade he puts on when actually in Wei Ying's company. That's it for today's analysis, folks.

The Aqua Demon Hunt Is The First Testament To Their Chemistry

Wangxian end up sharing a room. (Do we have the President to thank for that?) Lan Zhan being all "Time for me to go meditate in solitude" and Wei Ying being ".... about how we belong together!"

Rewatching these scenes is definitely bad for my heart. The unconcealed disappointment on Wei Ying's face when Lan Zhan turns down his bet to prove their like-mindedness really sends. (Is this the ancient equivalent of a love calculator, Wei Ying? How did the Yiling Patriarch never invent a device like that, I wonder.)

Lan Zhan, did he really deserve this? He just wants to show you what an incredible, unmatchable team you both will make! And he is so good at reading your mind.

Just smiling at the fact that your bro exists for no apparent reason in middle of a hunt. Wei Ying sure has his priorities straight, even if nothing else in his life is.

Wangxian Are The Dream Team

Wei Ying distracting the water ghost and saving Lan Zhan at the same time so effortlessly? A stroke of admirable genius! I probably need to start a separate post to keep track of all the times Wangxian's teamwork puts everyone else to shame. Notice how every time Lan Zhan said "boring" in this episode, it was directed only at Wei Ying’s romantic gestures.

It's that little shoulder bump that screams "I'm sorry I splashed water at you, I did out of my love for you, okay?"

I'm sorry Wei Ying, he just needs more time to process the fact that you are the unrivalled candidate for a cultivation partner he has ever come across. And if you ever get confused why Zewu Jun is mysteriously smiling at various points in the show, it's probably a "My brother is falling in love, good for him, good for him" smile.

Wei Ying’s little head tilt after they both defeat the water ghost that came for their boat that says, “See? We belong together.”

When Lan Zhan learns why Suibian is called so and thinks, "My crush is a fucking idiot, love that for me.“

Wei Ying always understands what Lan Zhan is thinking or wants to say without him having said a word. Soulmates.

Thank you water ghosts for ensuring they both end up on the same boat and giving them the chance to display their spectacular synchronization. Maybe it’ll help Lan Zhan wake up.

I rejoice every time there is a juxtaposition of Wangxian with the straight couples because it proves our main characters are travelling the same romantic arc the others are.

Saving Him For The First Time

Lan Zhan rescues Wei Ying in the nick of time! Sure, that’s the Right Thing to do but do you see his expression? That’s unbridled shock that Wei Ying is going to die. And the matter of utmost importance to Wei Ying in this life-or-death situation is the fact that Lan Zhan isn't holding his hand after the "intimate" experiences they’ve shared. I cannot.

Ok Lan Zhan.. You don't touch people.. Let’s see who the exception is. But honestly we get it, just swooping in to save him was a lot to handle, holding his hand would have been a gay apocalypse on your heart.

Wei Ying Is Growing On Lan Zhan

Lan Zhan finally admits Wei Ying could be right, because annoying as he is, his deductions are brilliant.

We learn Lan Zhan is secretly craving loqauts but throws it back when Wei Ying gives him one. Zewu Jun offers to buy loquats for Lan Zhan, again hinting at his repressed feelings for Wei Ying.

When we hear a vendor selling Emperor's Smile, do we see Lan Zhan's anti-Wei Ying persona begin to crack or am I seeing things?

The episode ends with someone (Wei Ying) taking two bottles of Emperor's Smile and paying for it. Whatever happens, Wei Ying is going to sneak his misconduct into the Cloud Recesses and his way into Lan Zhan’s unfaltering heart.

All in all, this was an episode that opened the possibility of Lan Zhan maybe starting to accept that Wei Ying is a nuisance he likes having around. At the very least, he wants to live in a world where Wei Ying is alive and being his unbelievable self. He’s a man of few words and many micro expressions so that’s why it’s so golden on the rare occasions he does slip up and show that he cares about Wei Ying, like saving him in this episode. His actions speak louder than his words, and they ring louder still as show progresses and he becomes the main line of defense between Wei Ying and anyone who so much as thinks about harming him.

Episode 5 drives it home that Wangxian have chemistry that is to be envied and worth investing in. We get the sense that these two are going to be together for a long ass time.

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luci-four · 5 years ago

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I Want to Kiss You {Satan x reader/MC}

A/N: This stemmed from a daydream I had but I decided to take out my feel-good fluff on Satan because hes baby (*´˘`*)♡

Fandom: Obey Me!

Pairing: Satan x reader/MC

Satan never expected to be as close to MC as he ended up; They’re just human after all—not that he really had something against them, but why bother pushing yourself to get so close to another person in the first place? He’d seen it in dramas all of the time; Love one day, heartbreak the next—Satan never really understood what sort of feelings one could have to warrant something so exhausting when it could be spent doing other things, things that he’d enjoy doing instead. He didn’t stop to think about how vastly different it would feel to do these things with someone like MC.

Walks at night felt different when he felt the heat radiate from next to him, time spent at the library felt much more immersive, revisiting art he’s already seen at the museum looks brand new with another perspective—everything felt much more alluring when accompanied with MC’s presence.

Just as it did every day, every moment, so much so that he found himself starting to lose his grip on whatever feeling may be inside of him. Affection? Adoration? He did have a level of appreciation for the arts—all things beautiful caught Satan’s eye, so it shouldn’t have come as such a surprise that he had fallen victim to such a strange feeling within his chest each time they passed his mind. These feelings only seemed to grown no matter how hard he tried to keep them under wraps at the back of his mind; Each and every day brought him so much closer to his breaking point.

They sat next to one another in his bed, cozied up with an old film playing from a projection that he had begged MC to watch with him. It was foreign, black and white, something of true beauty that he couldn’t help but translate while analyzing each and every line for them until a heavy thud landed against his shoulder. Blue-green eyes scanned their sleeping form, gently guiding their head to a place he considered more comfortable—his chest. Heart racing and pulse struggling to keep up, he couldn’t swallow the lump in his throat as he strictly analyzed the torn piece of film that affected the movies picture in the bottom right-hand corner, no longer able to focus on the piece itself.

‘This is ridiculous,’ he thought to himself, ‘My body has no business reacting like this.’

He was right, so he thought, that it had no reason to feel like this—he had no reason to have these feelings for something he knew would be stupid to try and pursue; But he wanted to.

God, he wanted to.

If he could have held them tight enough their souls could have simply molded into one another, he would be completely okay with that; To hold them and relish in this feeling of electricity that shot through every inch of his body, the butterflies in his stomach each time he caught the slightest hint that they were around, the completely unbearable pressure in his chest that only seems to find its relief when his body is graced by even the slightest of touches from them—he would do anything and everything to bathe himself in such a blessing, but he couldn’t.

‘I want to kiss you.’

His gaze grew soft, a smile matching the tenderness grew on his lips, as he allowed his heart to whisper words into his mind rather than aloud.

‘I want to kiss you hard; I want to kiss you and kiss you again so desperately that you pull back and give me that genuine smile and adorable giggle that you do—I want to kiss you so desperately loving that you run your hands through my hair and you silently beg me not to stop with the light scratches you leave on the back of my neck. I want to kiss you, but...’

Satan reached for them, caressing their cheek ever so gently, stroking along their jaw softly to keep himself from going any farther.

‘But... I’m so afraid of having to give you back to the world because I’m so undeserving of you.’

His smile turned to a mask to hide the dejection that washed over him; Of course he was undeserving of them—they would always be something just outside of his reach as he was, quite literally, a demon born from wrath while they were nothing short of the sun. Icarus be damned—Satan had felt the pain of falling, the pain of the fire, but nothing, he thought, compared to the pain of being just out of his suns light.

They always brightened up the world with the smallest of things, it was almost blinding; The small things are what brought him to that breaking point months later, after all.

Sitting across the way from him in class, he always loved to watch the way their eyes would narrow at the words they tried to comprehend, or the bored look on their face as they attempted to keep themselves awake. Every so often, should he be so lucky, he would lock eyes with them as they peeked out at him from over their book; They would light up, crinkle at the corners, look so loving and childish as the book would move to reveal the corners of their lips curled up devilishly and their tongue poking from between them. It never failed to make him laugh as he attempted to keep those butterflies pushed down.

‘I want to kiss you.’

The stars in the planetarium never seem to match the levels of brightness in their eyes as they look around the room in awe. The different lights danced across their skin and each colour complimented every little detail his eyes could reach. Soft, beautiful, the dark was just such... an appealing, almost sinful, environment to appreciate them in. They’re so innocent, wide-eyed, and the way their jaw drops at the dumb little facts he spits at them makes it so he just cannot bring himself to look away. Every single time, he has to hold himself back before he grabs them and pulls them close.

‘I want to kiss you.’

Simply walking into the kitchen late in the morning after they’ve missed breakfast, half asleep, yawning and leaning over the counter with their face in their hands is enough to cause his heart to leap into his throat. The way they hold their head up, squishing their cheeks comically and pushing their lips into a “kissy-face” as they fall back asleep mid-sentence; He leans on the counter as well, simply admiring everything about MC with a careful smile on his lips as the breakfast he made them starts to get cold sitting between them. It feels calm, peaceful, like he can fall asleep too—if he wasn’t so focused on absorbing every little moment he got to spend with them. His eyes constantly fell on their lips.

‘I want to kiss you.’

He’s the Avatar of Wrath for a reason; Times have come and gone where he’s been on the verge of snapping-- it’s always unpleasant and the fear in MC’s eyes causes his heart to drop in an instant. Watching their frame shake, tears form in their eyes, and their bottom lip quiver is enough to make Satan feel as though he were nothing short than the scum beneath their shoes. Yet, the way they stand their ground as his voice raises, the bravery they show while telling him to calm down, the shock that fills his body as they throw their arms around him to both physically restrain and get their voice to reach his ears—he can’t help but bite his bottom lip and do his best to keep his own tears and emotions in check. Some times are worse than others, but at the end of the day, he finds himself laying lovingly within MC’s arms, his head on their chest, calming himself down with the sound of their heartbeat and matching his breathing to their own. The tender way they scratched at the back of his neck and dragged their nails up and down his back lulled him to sleep; Waking up to their quiet breathing, serene look on their face and him wrapped up in all of their warmth with their limbs entangled with one another, he felt so lucky that the sun had given him the time to warm up within their rays and greet him for the new day.

‘I want to kiss you.’

Satan had never been happier to meet so many different people in his life until he got an exclusive invite to a ball where he got the chance to bring MC along as well. Dressed up, soft lights, romantic atmosphere—he was excited to simply exist in such a setting with them let alone spend time with them in his arms. Mingling, subtly hand-feeding them from the banquet, people watching and making ridiculous stories up for each one who had passed by them—it was all such an enjoyable time he wished would never end. Sweeping them off of their feet on the dance floor, dancing and moving in ways to catch up to the slowly rising beat; His heartbeat raced much faster than the song did. They stumble, step on his feet, the two of them spin when the dance doesn’t call for it and start to make up their own ridiculous moves. He holds them close, hand on their lower back just lightly holding them against his own body, fingers intertwined with one another and held against his shoulder, their free arm taking the liberty to rest upon his other shoulder as their fingertips just lightly tease the side of his neck; The two of them exist solely in their own little world as the music seemingly disappears from Satan’s ears as he’s dumbstruck by the depth of their smile and the melody replaced by the much more angelic sound of their laughter.

‘I want to kiss you.’

Now he’s here once again, months of agony had passed, his bed a mess as they sit on the opposite side away from him, peeking over one of his books once again. The pages muffle their laughter, which he curses, but everything about them radiates pure happiness at the moment and he’d take that over anything. He pretends not to notice their foot slowly stretch out towards him, ready to kick his leg as they had several times previously only to retract it and feign pure innocence.

“Gotcha!”

Satan reached for their ankle quickly, only laughing at the mixture of squealing and giggles that passed by their lips. They wiggled their leg back and forth, their cries for freedom intermingling with their infectious laughter as he held his grip, moving forward to rest on his hands and knees.

“Freedom? You want freedom? Why, MC, freedom is impossible for the crimes you have committed,” he joked, slowly crawling forward, “Such punishable crimes you have staining your record, such a shame.”

“This is coming from who? A demon?”

“Now that,” he inched ever closer, “that is a low blow.”

They laughed once again, grabbing the pillow beside them and lightly tapping him with it until he stopped moving, giving them his best impression of shock.

“More crimes? Is that what you’re going to do now; Going to commit crimes?”

Satan joked, talking to them as though they were related to the kittens they had seen playing the night before. Such snarky responses passed those perfect lips, that Satan could no longer hold his shocked façade; He crawled closer, still.

“Crimes are punishable, MC. What shall I do with you? Imprisonment? The whip? Make you babysit Mammon for a day?”

“Well, now you just sound like Luci-”

“Don’t do that.”

Satan leveled his face with theirs, just inches apart. His eyes pierced theirs with his direct command-- they simply let out a flighty laugh that matched the mischievous shine in their eyes.

“Oh? Don’t do what?”

“You know what.”

“Do I? Can the judge read me the list of my offenses? What am I being charged for?”

The smirk returned to Satan’s lips, but only briefly; His eyes continued to wander down to their lips as his own parted. He attempted to come up with some sarcastic remark to retort with, only to find himself constantly licking his own lips in anticipation and simply stuttering over his words. Before MC could ask what was wrong—he most certainly didn’t want to hear the modest concern in their voice—he leaned in fully and finally captured their lips with his.

It started off rough, desperate, terrified of the impeding rejection; Until it turned slow, compassionate, and oh so... natural.

Satan moved closer, now on his knees with his back straightened out, his hands carefully cupping MC’s delicate face enough to feel the heat of their blush come off of them but not enough to do them harm; He pulled away only slightly before moving back in, time after time, for kiss after kiss.

His heart soared, his pulse had moved so quickly that he was afraid his heart would surely collapse from the work it was being put through. His mind raced with thoughts so quickly that they all turned to useless static, until he had finally grasped a few key points he couldn’t get rid of.

‘I want to kiss you,’ he thought.

‘I want to kiss you hard; I want to kiss you and kiss you again so desperately that you pull back and give me that genuine smile and adorable giggle that you do.’

Finally, he felt them pull back a bit—his heart sank—only to soar once more as he felt their lips pull into a smile against his. Their breath tickled at his skin, the space between them only growing warmer with each giggle they let out before he pulled them back in.

‘I want to kiss you so desperately loving that you run your hands through my hair and you silently beg me not to stop with the light scratched you leave on the back of my neck.’

Their arms wrapped around his neck, forcing him down closer to them while simultaneously pulling them up to him—they wanted to be against him, not that he minded, and let out soft gasps that ended with laughs between each kiss as his hands lightly swept down their body to press on their hips, pressing on them to hold himself up but silently let them know he didn’t want them to be anywhere but there, in that space, with him. Each kiss he gave was deeper than the last, each breath heavier, each little sound of endearment they gave him made it feel as though there were untouchable peaks to the mountains his heart had to climb.

Their nails raked the back of his neck softly, his sun being so merciful in their affection to leave burning marks across his skin to let him know he truly had been blessed in this moment.

‘I want to kiss you, but...’

He kissed them again and again, slowly melting against them each and every time as Icarus tends to do when flying far too close to the sun.

‘I know I’ll never want to stop.’

Satan could no longer feel his body. Sounds have been drowned out with the beating of his own heart in his ears. His skin burned and he knew it, but the sun had finally come into his reach and he would be damned if he wasted such a blessing.

‘So please, don’t make me.’

He slowly, painfully, pulled himself apart from them, face hovering only slightly above theirs, terrified to open his eyes. Forcing them open was a scary gesture, but the sight that graced them was nothing short of worth it—flushed cheeks, relaxed features, a look dripping in what he hoped was a similar feeling to his own.

“Please...” he started out with a whisper that fanned across their face, “Please look at me with eyes filled with nothing else but how I feel for you. Please tell me you feel this way, too—please show me.”

His forehead lightly landed against theirs, earning him a smile from MC—one that started small and shy, only to tug further than any previous smiles he was lucky to witness; Their lashes curved so eloquently, beautifully, opening slowly to reveal eyes that shined just like the sun he had been waiting for, filled to the brim with adorning admiration, affection, wonder and love.

‘Like Icarus, I am an utter fool to have committed such sin like falling in love with the sun,’ he thought to himself as a smile of his own grew to match theirs, ‘but unlike Icarus, I’m willing to fall over and over again if it means I get to return back to you.’

Satan took a deep breath, attempting to assure that his voice would come out calm and even, though his efforts were utterly futile as it came out shaky and as a hoarse whisper; He no longer had to worry about their answer, however, and for that he would be silently grateful.

“I want to kiss you.”

#obey me shall we date #obey me!#swd obey me #obey me drabbles #obey me! satan #obey me! imagines #om! satan #shall we date: obey me #om! drabbles #om!#obey me #obey me writing #obey me! drabbles #anyway so hi heres a drabble #was gonna put on my other writing blog but said nah ill make an entire om blog LMAO #so yeah here i am hello take this contribution to the fandom #satans bookmark #satan x mc

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amostimprobabledream · 5 years ago

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Why I hate Grace.

I was giving my thoughts on Peaky Blinders a few weeks ago and I danced around the subject of my dislike for this character but didn’t have time/room to get it all out. So here it is! Grace fans, you probably want to look away now. So to me, Grace is kind of symbolic of the bad writing on Peaky Blinders, which is especially egregious because usually the writing of the show is good. But right off the bat, her arrival creates a number of plotholes that don't resonate with Tommy's character. Just for a start, nobody seems to find it suspicious that an apparently attractive woman (seriously, people go on and on about how pretty Grace is and while it's not as though she's ugly at all, you can't help but wonder if the Peaky boys merely think so because she's the only woman of significance not related to them) is so determined to be a barmaid in The Garrison, where Tommy, upon seeing her, immediately asks her if she's a whore. Grace is understandably offended by the question, which again makes you wonder why she'd want to work somewhere where such a question isn't just an assumption, but the first thing Tommy asks - we know she's a spy, but the other characters don't.

Then, Tommy corners Grace and starts asking why she keeps being so nosy about the Blinders and their business. They go for a walk and Tommy asks Grace if she's a Catholic. She says she is, but when Tommy points out that no good Catholic girl would walk into a church without making the cross, he immediately exposes her as a liar and points out he also knows that she lied to him about what town she was from, because he asked around and nobody had ever heard of her. So what does he do? He...promotes her to being his secretary? What?

Okay, so you might argue that Tommy puts her in said position to keep an eye on her, or thinks she might be useful if she has the balls to lie to him, but she tells such an easy-to-unravel lie and her excuse is because she wants to "fit in". Again, he lets her off the hook but she covers up a lie with an even more obvious one - if Grace cared about fitting in, she'd make more of an effort to do so, but she keeps demanding Tommy let her sing in the pub and asks questions above her station to Arthur, which got reported back to Tommy. Sure, it's her job to spy on the Peaky boys, but she's so transparent about it that it's honestly ridiculous that Tommy would ever put her in a position that close to his personal affairs. Not to mention, Grace is so inexplicably haughty towards Tommy, telling him, "You disappoint me" when he kisses her. You'd think if she was good at her job, she'd learn to shut her mouth and keep her head down like a decent spy, but she always acts as if she's better than Tommy because, like Polly points out, she's a spoiled little rich girl at heart and she does think herself above the Shelby's.

Then Tommy completely inexplicably chooses to give Grace a fucking gun and tells her some men are going to come in and try to kill him and he's relying on her to bail him out. I know the cops were meant to come in at the stroke of six and they fuck up, but WHY would you ever place that level of trust in someone you already know is a liar? Sorry, but I just don't buy that Tommy was blinded by "love". I can buy that maybe he was curious about Grace, possibly even fancied her a bit, but definitely not so stupid that he thinks it's a good idea to put his fucking life in the hands of a woman he knows basically nothing about. She could have fallen out of the sky for all he knows. Tommy even continues to trust Grace after she kills an IRA guy right in front of him because she sobs, "I didn't know I had it in me like that", yet she disobeyed his instructions and whenever Arthur or John do that, Tommy gives them a bollocking. He lets Grace off, again, for seemingly no reason other than she played the damsel in distress role and he buys it. This doesn't make Tommy look like a smart man blinded by love, it just makes him look like an idiot around Grace.

Also, there seems to be an uncomfortable level in Tommy/Grace of Tommy getting a kick out of using Grace to piss Campbell off. It's pretty obvious Campbell has a creepy crush on her, and Tommy exploits that for all it's worth when he explicitly rings Campbell to inform him that he's going to bang Grace. (Incidentally, their sex scene made me go, "Oh, I guess they're gonna fuck now. Yup." It was like they did it because the screenwriter said so.) He's basically cucking Campbell and I think it's a big reason why even Grace fans admit that she's "not as good" in Season Two - Grace just doesn't work without Campbell around. At least in Season One you can argue that every shitty thing Grace does to Tommy/the Peaky Blinders is partly because of her job as a spy and Campbell is her boss. In Season Two, there are no excuses for the way Grace acts. She's a selfish, self-righteous hypocrite. She jumps at the chance to go to Birmingham on the offchance it was Tommy who called, then acts all offended when he assumes she came to sleep with him, to the point she actually smacks him in the face. What does Tommy do about this? Nothing. When Grace complains they could have run away to New York together, all Tommy says is, "I had things to do", instead of asking Grace why she thinks he'd abandon his family, business, friends and country all to chase after the woman who sold him out to his worst enemy. Grace honestly expected Tommy to put her first after everything she did to him. I won't act like Tommy is a saint in this - he did nearly pimp her out to Billy Kimber - but at least he acknowledges it was wrong of him to do and he never acts like he occupies any moral highground like Grace does. When Grace admits she sold Tommy out, she sobs she "did a terrible thing," yet never tries to actually help him out in a way that would put her at risk - she quit her position, sure, but Campbell's creepiness had gone so far as to propose marriage to her, Grace was still looking out for herself when she left, because it got her away from Campbell. She asked Campbell to spare him, knowing full well that Campbell has wanted Tommy dead since day one. She plays the damsel in distress again and she's pissed when Tommy doesn't fall for it a second time. Then when she talks about her husband, she tries to rub it in Tommy's face how he's “a good, kind man”, but then quickly backtracks on that to fuck Tommy anyway because her husband is impotent - and Grace just can't deal with not getting what she wants. Tommy's rich enough to afford to buy a house for Ada and Polly by this point, he's running Birmingham and seeking to expand into London, so Grace pulls the oldest trick in the book and gets pregnant - then Tommy has to do the responsible thing and marry her, because the baby is his and it's literally the only piece of leverage she has over May. (May even points out that she's been stringing Tommy along and all Grace can do is throw the fact that "Grace's Secret" is the horse's name at her. Again though, did Tommy call it that to piss off Campbell? This was before Grace returned to Small Heath but after Campbell had, so I think yes.)

Then in Season Three, again, Grace is pretty much a pointless character, because she has no purpose anymore outside of being "Tommy's wife". Campbell is dead and so the conflict of her character in Season One, as contrived as that was, is gone. People complain about Grace being stuffed into a fridge and whatnot, (and tbh, you could say that about Freddie, but Freddie also served his purpose in Season One after he buried the hatchet with Tommy), but honestly I think that it was all they could think to do with her because Charlotte Riley was unable to pick up her role as May for Season Three, so they had to work around it. It's the only explanation I can think of about why Grace is just such a blatantly awful person in the Second Season - I've heard people say before that Tommy leaving the field after his assassination was prevented would have been the perfect ending to the season, but that scene at the end where he returns to The Garrison and announces he's getting married seemed really hastily tacked-on - I feel like it was added because they were forced to rewrite the drafts for Season Three and put whatever plans for May they had on the shelf. Not to mention, Grace's actress Annabelle Wallis has apparently stated she hates May because she's "annoying" and "gets inbetween Tommy and Grace". No, Grace got in the way of Tommy and Grace - she's the one who chose to leave Birmingham after she got exposed as a Mole instead of taking the consequences! And also, how is May the annoying one? At least she doesn’t whisper all her lines. It's just so immature of the actress to bash on the character and encourage ship wars, especially considering Grace comes out the winner of the love triangle, so what's the bitterness about? (I've not heard what her opinion is on Lizzie, but I doubt it's as hostile, because it's made obvious in the show that Tommy doesn't love Lizzie the same and the poor girl is constantly competing with a dead woman for her husband's love.) Plus, in Season Three, the wedding is all about not upsetting Grace, Tommy's family have to play nice with Grace's family, and Polly is once again the only person who knocks Grace's smug ass down a peg by reminding her that the family haven't forgiven or forgotten Grace's crimes against them - the only reason they're putting up a pretence of tolerating her is for Tommy's sake. Not hers. Not everybody in the world wants to accommodate Grace. Killing Grace was honestly the highlight of the entire Season, because I couldn't stand watching her smirking over how she got everything she wanted when she didn't pay for any of it. (Polly is also the only one who comments on how Tommy has conveniently forgotten all the shit she pulled on him and Tommy acts like she was a totally innocent bystander when she got killed and it’s like, no, Tommy, baby. Grace knew what she was getting into when she married him and he knew that - it’s pretty much common knowledge that everybody who is even tangentially associated with the Peaky Blinders gets hurt eventually, just look at how Ada was nearly gangraped even though she hadn’t been involved with the family business for two years.)

Come Season Four and Five and there's already a problem here - there is still more to talk about with Grace, even though she’s dead and Tommy spends most of Season Three rampaging over her death. But he just inexplicably won't let go of her. And again, this doesn't come across as Tommy being so in love with Grace he can't fathom a world without her, it comes off like her actress has dirt on the director or something. He constantly hallucinates the bitch, we hear her singing all the time, it's kind of implied that Tommy prefers Charles over Ruby because Charles a boy and has a saintly dead mummy while Ruby is the daughter of a former whore (not that Tommy doesn't love Ruby, obviously, because he absolutely does), and what really annoys me about Tommy hallucinating Grace is that she's the only character he does this with. He doesn't dream about Greta, his first love, he doesn't dream of Danny or Freddie or his mother. He doesn't even fucking dream about John! Remember John, Tommy's little brother he knew his entire life? Apparently nobody else does! No, it's always all about Grace, who keeps helpfully telling Tommy to hurry up and kill himself so he can be with her again. This doesn’t seem like an out-of-character, guilt-induced vision - it mimicks her attitude in Season Two, that nothing else in his life can be as important as she is.

And that's why I hate Grace. (Please don’t send me rude or hateful messages over this post, it’s just my opinion and it’s pretty much irrelevant anyway since I doubt Stephen Knight is going to stop using Grace up as some kind of martyred dead saint anytime soon. I just wanted to get this rant out of my system.)

#Peaky Blinders #Grace Burgess #Tommy Shelby #May Carleton #Rant #Chester Campbell #Polly Shelby #Blogging

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jay-and-dean · 5 years ago

Text

Too good to be true (This is how it ends.)

(Dean x Reader)

Summary : Dean and her are driving home, after another hunt together. They are in love, have been for a long time and it was so good… It was too good to be true…

Warnings : ANGST. DARK FIC. Seriously, I can’t put all the warnings because it could kill the fic, just don’t read it if you’re fragile lately.

Words : 2.4 k

Want to read more => ***MASTERLIST***

____________________

Dean was desperate.

That’s how it happened.

She was looking out the window again, that expression on her tired face : an implacable anger, but not the kind of anger that makes people leave, no, the kind that irreversibly erodes the soul.

She was silent again, what could she say ? Dean wanted her to look at him, he needed her to look at him, but not like she did lately, not with that anger, not with her broken heart just behind her doleful eyes.

He needed the look of the beginning : the first months, the first year… Those knowing smiling glares, the little wrinkles at the corner of her eyes when she stared at him in awe, the lust burning in her dark pupils constantly…

It’s gone now. The light in her died. Slowly, day after day, lie after lie.

It died during the nights she spent crying alone, hoping eventually she will fall asleep forever. It died while he was away, drowning his pain in the violence of hunting, in the bottom of a glass, in a bed that wasn’t his…

Is it possible that he loved her too much to make her happy ?

Squeezing the steering wheel, he struggled to see past the rain drops on the windshield. Drops of water, that’s all there were, on the windows, on her face, in his eyes… The little straight glowing lines of falling rain hit, harassing, the only light he still could control : the Impala’s headlights.

They were the best. Nothing more, nothing less. Together, they were invincible and their love used to frighten every nightmares, every monsters. It made the both of them twice stronger. At least in the beginning of their story…

Dean had found the woman that was going to save him when he thought nothing could ever but enough to do. She knew Hell too, not because she went there, but because it had followed her here on Earth, her entire life. The anger, the guilt, the sleepless nights… She was so much like him… And she took all of it when she moored to his gloomy life.

Everything was good now, and it was too good to be true…

She was pure fire and their passion burst just like in the movies. His hands always on her, her magic mouth able to make him beg with a whisper.

Moans in the middle of the night, laughs. Getting drunk and making fun of everybody else. Their hands in the blood of their last kill, their kisses burning… They were scary and their love was extreme. It consumed like bonfire.

It was just too good to be true…

He turned his head and saw the bruises on her neck. Bruises of hating love, and it got him half aroused, half disgusted with himself, as usual. Why wasn’t he able to be anything but rough lately ? Why did she provoke him so bad when he tried not to ?

How did it drift that much ?

Now their love making had become bruising and as violent as hate. No sweet kisses, no shy brushes of the hand, just hungry bites and yelling at each other while tearing each other clothes apart. And the sweetest taste of their mornings together turned to a sick codependency.

“Say something” he grunted, knowing it will probably turn to another fight, but the silence was killing him.

“Will you think of her next time you fuck me, Dean ?” she snapped, and his heart sank a little lower, making him nauseous again.

Shame.

A few years ago, she relieved him of his guilt with her love, but her hate little by little brought shame instead, and Dean couldn’t sleep anymore.

“Don’t be ridiculous…” he kept his eyes on the road, not realizing he was going a little faster, chasing something that he could never gain back : The love of his life.

Tears fell on her face, and Dean remembered swearing he would never hurt her. That was a long time ago…

That was too good to be true.

Silence fell again in the car. That deadly silence that smelled just like a panic attack. Lately, he didn’t listen to music anymore, neither did her, so silence won… But music… The poison that spoiled their love ruined every song on Earth. Love songs make Dean want to rip his own heart, and other songs just didn’t matter at all.

That storm outside had given the entire world a smell of dampness, of mold and Dean hated this.

He had no idea how it got that bad… He just remembered fear, a fear that used to wake him up at night. Because it was too good to be true, and eventually, he was going to lose her. Came over-protectiveness, possessiveness, and all the excessive reactions, the hurtful words that comes with them. Too much alcohol too, way too much.And fights, fights over hunts, fights about risks, about choices, about mean words and fights about fights. Those about jealousy and just about everything.

Yelling at each other constantly…

Venom on the lips, and bottles crashing on the wall and fists breaking pieces of furniture.

He remembered that evening she hit him… The first time. She had promised never to hurt him too. But he had promised to drink less, to stop trying to control her, to trust her during hunts…

He broke every single promise he made except that one about loving her that much for eternity…

Accelerating again, he hissed thinking of their fights, of her fists hitting his chest with rage, of his hands pushing her against the wall while she yells and fights him.

He remembered the night he stepped on both their hearts, already bleeding out on the floor, he just crushed them with his boot.

When Cassie showed up just that night… When his rage blinded him enough to make him think a dive in the past would ease the pain. A past when he hadn’t been ripped apart by love yet.

“Baby…”

“Don’t call me that !” she yelled. Again. Her voice had only been yells, sobs or moans for such a long time now. “Her hand was on your knee Dean ! Her fucking painted nails ready to dig in your back !”

“I don’t want her !”

He knew he was the one who made her crazy. Crazy in love, first, then he broke her trust, he broke her heart, and her mind with it.

“DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME, DEAN ! I HATE YOU !”

Here it was.

As the words stabbed him, his hands gripped the wheel tighter and his eyes turned to her furious face. Her veins were showing in her neck, her eyes were red from crying too much, for too long…

“Stop being a crazy bitch !” his own word made him flinch.

He never thought he would speak like that to someone, let alone to the love of his life… But violence is easy to get used to.

“I AM THE CRAZY ONE ! YOU ALMOST KILLED THAT GUY LAST WEEK ! COPS ARE LOOKING FOR YOU !”

“He said he wanted to take you on the fucking wall !” he started to shake again, afraid, so afraid of something inside of him… But what ?

“WELL I NEVER CHEATED ON YOU DEAN !”

“You made him hope ! You were making me jealous on purpose ! Do you think I didn’t see the slutty smile, and the little bites of you lips ! Your lips are MINE !”

“IT HURTS HUH ?!”

He bit his lips until he tasted his own blood.

Yes, he almost killed that guy ; he had no control over anything lately, she made him worse than the Mark of Cain, and still was the best thing that happened to him. And, yes, when someone got close to her, Dean turned to a psycho, she had to throw a glass on his back to make him stop- he could still feel the ache of the impact on his spine- ; and she had to grab his wrist to make him run. But while the sirens were ringing in the hot summer night, he took her so hard in that alley, marking her with his angry hands, terrified he couldn’t stop his fingers from squeezing her neck to death… Tears in her eyes, she didn’t flinch when he threatened her, she never did.

Like she was satisfied by the idea of dying from his hands.

“You want me to suffer, you treat me like I’m a fucking enemy…” he sighed.

She took a shaky breath, obviously fighting her own painful lungs.

“I love you so much” she whispered before bursting in tears again, her thighs shaking with the ache she lived with each day. “I love you…” she was struggling to breath. “I love… Make me forget chaos…” she begged.

“Forgive me… Forgive me and I’ll do anything to make you happy again” he tried without an ounce of hope.

“I tried Dean… But each time I think of it…” she had so much gravel in her voice, they were choking her. “I want you to fucking die…”

He couldn’t add a word. Despair making him dizzy, and this stupid rain…

The Impala was cleaving the night at the speed of his heart.

He bent a little and looked up to try and see the sky but the storm was hiding all the stars. For a second, he wondered where was Sam. Probably in the bunker, with Eileen, with Jack, Cas, maybe Jody, Garth… With those friends he started neglecting a long time ago.

He thought of how she easily became friends with all of them. She was his spring. After a whole life of a bitter winter…

She has been the spring he waited for since childhood ; ice melt, flowers bloomed, he wasn’t cold anymore, and it wasn’t so dark.

He can’t go through winter again, not now that he knew the heavenly warmth of her arms.

She was spring…

But summer is crushing them now, flowers wilted and the sun burnt hope.

Just smile, he begged in his head. Smile, baby, I’m begging you, I can make this right… Just smile…

She put her face in her palms and screamed, making him jump a little, like he had been slapped. Her pain hurting him even more that it did her.

“I’ll make it right baby… I can fix us” he said reaching her knee.

But she hit his hand.

“DON’T TOUCH ME !”

“I’ll make it right” he insisted.

“YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT ! LOOK AT US DEAN ! TELL ME WHAT IS RIGHT ?” she yelled again, turning on her knees to face him. She seemed a little taller now, and she was so beautiful he just couldn’t believe it. There was no other woman he could look at, no other human he really cared about.

The tiny shorts she was wearing didn’t hide the fingers shaped bruises on her thighs, the tank top wet with her sweat, and her purple and yellow collar of shame screaming “too late, too far” at him.

And her eyes, the sadness in it was like a black hole.

“LOOK AT US !” she begged, and he wondered how this face could have been smiling once… It was a long time ago, and it was too good to be true.

He would have given everything he had to make her pain stop. Everything. But he had nothing left but her…

He thought it couldn’t be worse now, but she sat on her ankles and shook her head in sigh of renunciation.

“I have to let you go, Dean” she stated with a hoarse voice.

“What ? No !” he panicked, feeling Hell tighten around the world. His blood ran cold and icy sweat broke through the skin of his back. “Don’t say that…”

“You’re miserable, and… I want you to become Dean again, my Dean, the man I love so…” her voice broke. “So so much.”

“I am, baby… I am your Dean.”

“Not anymore… I’m like drug, you… you want me really bad but I’m b-bad for you” she wiped her face, trying to seem sure. “I’m letting you go.”

“Stop saying that, that’s not true. I was nothing before you came to my life.”

“You were a hunter, you were a hero, my hero… baby.”

Here was the love. Here was what he so desperately needed, and she was saying it was over. He was high on her indeed, but how could true love be a bad thing ?

Rage was his last defense against despair, so as usual, he couldn’t hold it back longer.

“I HAD NOTHING ! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME ! YOU WON’T ! I WILL TIE YOU UP IF I HAVE TO” he yells, his beloved car moving slightly aside for a second. “YOU’RE MINE ! YOU’RE FUCKING MINE !”

“GOD I HATE YOU !” she shouted.

“DO YOU KNOW HOW YOU MAKE ME FEEL ! I CAN’T FUCKING LIVE WITHOUT YOU !”

“I HATE YOU !” I HATE YOU !” she screamed, tears soaking her face, her tiny fists hitting his shoulder. “LET ME GO ! LET ME GO ! I CAN’T…” her voice started to whistle and she was panting. “I can’t… Let me go… Make it stop… I love you so much it’s killing me…”

That war will never be over. There will never be truce.

Nothing would ever make it better. Holding up seemed impossible, and letting go… Letting go… he just couldn’t think of it.

Smile… I’m begging you baby, smile…

He accelerated again, like he could catch past.

I need your smile to breathe, tell me I didn’t break you that bad… Please.

Please.

Please…

He never deserved her, he never deserved love, he was as bad for her as she was bad for him. But maybe that was the real curse of the Winchesters after all.

Love.

His hands left the steering wheel for a second, just to grip it again, on the left of it. His jaw clenched.

Time slowed and he looked at her one last time, completely ignoring the road go by at a crazy pace before them.

Smile… I’m begging you.

Her wet reddened eyes widenned, looking behind her to the pit on the side of the road.She looked at him again and just let her head fall tenderly on his shoulder.

And he brusquely turned right.

The tires squealed…

This is how it ended.

____________________________

***FEEDBACK IS GOLD***

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#jay-and-dean #supernatural #Supernatural Dean Winchester #supernatural fanfiction #dean winchester #dean winchester fic #dean x y/n #dean x reader #angst

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strings-have-been-cut · 3 years ago

Note

✩ (Liz)

The Ultimate Relationship Tag

See under the cut for the Lizverse;;

@nashforhire

Disagreements:

Who is more likely to raise their voice? Liz

Who threatens to leave but never actually does? Neither maybe Liz

Who actually keeps their word and leaves? Neither

Who trashes the house? Neither

Do either of them get physical? Nope

How often do they argue/disagree? Their disagreements tend to stem from either Data's blind faith in the Federation or due to his inherent need for everything to be black and white and immediately resolved.

Who is the first to apologise? Data - he usually apologizes the entire time

Sex:

Who is on top? Data, most often

Who has the strangest desires? Liz - she has a very colourful imagination and is good at thinking of ways to take advantage of Data's skillset

Any kinks? He is fairly submissive

Who’s dominant in bed? It depends on what mood Liz is in

Is head ever in the equation? Yes

If so, who is better at performing it? Liz can probably shut Data down with her mouth

Ever had sex in public? Nope

Who moans the most? Liz - Data is pretty quiet...but he is a talker

Who leaves the most marks? If Data could be damaged...

Who screams the loudest? Liz

Who is the more experienced of the two? Liz

Do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’? Make love

Rough or soft? Both

How long do they usually last? Data can last forever, actually

Is protection used? Nope - no need

Does it ever get boring? Nope, it’s very sweet

Where is the strangest place they’d have sex? The bedroom lol. Or the holodeck

Family:

Do your muses plan on having children/or have children? Not sure! Data loves babies...

If so, how many children do your muses want/have? Dunno!

Who is the favorite parent? Both?! Probably Liz

Who is the authoritative parent? Data

Who is more likely to allow the children to have a day off school? Liz

Who lets the children indulge in sweets and junk food when the other isn’t around? Liz

Who turns up to extra curricular activities to support their children? Both!

Who goes to parent teacher interviews? Both!

Who changes the diapers? Both

Who gets up in the middle of the night to feed the baby? Data because he does not need sleep.

Who spends the most time with the children? Depends on who is working when

Who packs their lunch boxes? Data

Who gives their children ‘the talk’? Both

Who cleans up after the kids? Data

Who worries the most? Liz

Who are the children more likely to learn their first swear word from? Liz

Affection:

Who likes to cuddle? Liz is better at it

Who is the little spoon? Liz

Who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places? Liz

Who struggles to keep their hands to themself? L i z

How long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable? Data is in it for the duration

Who gives the most kisses? Liz

What is their favourite non-sexual activity? Talking - which sounds boring, but Data is fascinated with Liz's worldly experience and the way she seems to know how to break things down for him.

Where is their favourite place to cuddle? The bed

Who is more likely to playfully grope the other? Liz

How often do they get time to themselves? Only when Liz is on the Enterprise

Sleeping:

Who snores? If both do, who snores the loudest? Liz, but only quietly

Do they share a bed or sleep separately? Share

If they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart? Very cozy

Who talks in their sleep? Liz

What do they wear to bed? Data does not wear pajamas, so if he isn’t in his uniform, he’s probably just naked.

Are either of your muses insomniacs? Nope, Liz can sleep anywhere

Can sleeping pills be found by the bedside? Nope

Do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side? Cuddles

Who wakes up with bed hair? Liz - it is large

Who wakes up first? Data

Who prepares breakfast in bed for the other? Data brings her breakfast whenever he can

What is their favourite sleeping position? Liz likes to cuddle up to him, but Data prefers being the big spoon

Who hogs the sheets? Liz

Do they set an alarm each night? Data's internal chronometer does that

Can a television be found in their bedroom? There is a viewscreen

Who has nightmares? They both do, but Liz’s are worse.

Who has ridiculous dreams? Data

Who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed? Liz - Data pretty much doesn't move

Who makes the bed? Data does all the tidying.

What time is bedtime? Whenever Liz is ready

Any routines/rituals before bed? Reading

Who’s the grumpiest when they wake up? Liz

Work:

Who is the busiest? Data’s job on the Enterprise is steady, but Liz runs all over the place and has to deal with lots of assholes so...

Who rakes in the highest income? Data doesn't make money so...Liz. Definitely.

Are any of your muses unemployed? Nope

Who takes the most sick days? Ha neither.

Who is more likely to turn up late to work? Liz, but it's not often.

Who sucks up to their boss? Data

What are their jobs? Data works on the Enterprise and Liz does lots of business making deliveries on the Nomad

Who stresses the most? Liz, but she's good at hiding it

Do your muses enjoy or despise their careers/occupations? Data loves his work on the Enterprise. Liz loves her freedom on the Nomad. The only time either of them is frustrated with their respective jobs is when they are prevented from seeing one another for a long time.

Are your muses financially stable? Yep

Home:

Who does the washing? Data

Who takes out the trash? Data

Who does the ironing? Data (Liz would happily do this stuff, I'm sure, but Data loves cleaning and he's very fast and does it constantly.)

Who does the cooking? The replicator

Who is more likely to burn the house down just trying? Data

Who is messier? Liz

Who leaves the toilet roll empty? Liz

Who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor? Liz

Who forgets to flush the toilet? Liz

Who is the prankster around the house? Liz

Who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere? They don’t have cars!

Who mows the lawn? If they had a lawn, probably Data

Who answers the telephone? Either

Who does the vacuuming? Data

Who does the groceries? Neither

Who takes the longest to shower? Liz - Data mostly takes sonic showers

Who spends the most time in the bathroom? Liz

Miscellaneous:

Is money a problem? Nope

How many cars do they own? None

Do they own their home or do they rent? Starships?!

Do they live near the coast or deep in the countryside? Space

Do they live in the city or in the country? Spaaaaaace

Do they enjoy their surroundings? Generally, yes?

What’s their song? TBD!

What do they do when they’re away from each other? They message each other often in every verse. When they are together, Data sends her stuff nonstop - anything new that he learns, anything that reminds him of her (which is a lot), poems, gifts, photos, etc.

Where did they first meet? DS9

How did they first meet? She literally ran into him full-speed on DS9 when chasing someone and almost knocked herself out. Data insisted he bring her to the infirmary.

Who spends the most money when out shopping? Liz - she has a thing for non-replicated things, especially chocolate

Who’s more likely to flash their assets? Neither

Who finds it amusing when the other trips over? Liz

Any mental issues? Liz has ADHD and PTSD and ODD. Data has undiagnosed GAD.

Who’s terrified of bugs? Neither

Who kills the spiders around the house? Data takes them outside.

Their favourite place? Wherever they can see the stars together.

Who pays the bills? Liz

Do they have any fears for their future? Data is always uncertain about what will happen in their relationship as Liz is not a fan of Starfleet and Data cannot imagine leaving it.

Who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner? Data

Who uses up all of the hot water? Neither

Who’s the tallest? Data

Who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other? Liz

Who wanders around in their underwear? Both

Who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio? Data - Liz is a little embarrassed about her singing voice

What do they tease each other about? Data does not yet understand teasing as a form of affection so…not much. Liz will tease him about soft things because she knows he doesn't really get it and might take it to heart.

Who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times? Liz will probably cringe at Data's...he only owns a Starfleet uniform.

Do they have mutual friends? Not really

Who crushed first? Liz - before Data could reciprocate

Any alcohol or substance related problems? Liz has a few, but she's very careful

Who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am? Liz

Who swears the most? Liz

#nashforhire #liz nash

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soheila-1996 · 5 years ago

Text

My story- Part Five

This chapter was so difficult to write. I’ve really debated posting this over the last couple days because this is so personal.

I had a miscarrige last year and it’s approaching my son/daughter’s due date as well as what would have been my daughter’s fifth birthday on May 3rd. I’m finding this time really, really difficult. I wasn’t going to take this fic here but writting really is acting as an amazing outlet for me. I’ve really been able to get a lot off my chest. This chapter is all over the place, I apologise for that but I needed to get it out.

My little disclaimer:

I have epilepsy. This details my seizures, I can’t speak for everyone, everyone’s seizures/ experiences are different. This is graphic. Seizures are messy. They aren’t fun and it felt wrong to make it out to be cute when they really aren’t. Pretty much all the things that happen in the plot have happened to me. Well, I’m not married to a king or live in a palace so…there’s that but everything else is accurate. There may be some jokes about it here because I do joke about it sometimes. It makes me more comfortable and I find it helps relax everyone around me. I’m also writing about it because there really aren’t that many fics written about it and I think it’s important to shine light on it.

Any feedback is really appreciated! :)

Tagging people who shared the last part. You don’t have to read it! I just thought you might want to see what happens: @kacie-0156, @texaskitten30, @cordonianroyalty, @kingliam2019, @bebepac, @kingliam-rys, @cordonia-gothqueen, @kimmiedoo5, @bbrandy2002, @loveellamae @bobasheebaby @losingbraincellseveryday @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @jared2612 @flutistbyday2020 @debramcg1106 @anotherbeingsworld

This is also part of wacky drabbles hosted by @emceesynonymroll. The prompt this week is: #40: Don’t you ever do that again.

Paring: Liam and Riley

Warnings: ⚠️ Miscarriage, Suicidal thoughts, blood.

Word count: 4882

Catch up here

(Liam’s POV)

Since the events the other day at the fundraiser and the video, Riley had been...distant. That’s the only way I can explain it. She won’t talk to anyone and when she does, she’s not herself.

I had read some of the truly awful things people had been saying about her. I can’t comprehend how anyone could be so cruel to another human being. She had told me that it doesn't bother her but I know better. I’m positive that it would bother anyone.

Since I had learned about her epilepsy things were okay, then The Five Kingdom’s Festival happened- that’s where things started to go a little bit awry. I can see now that all of us were being a little bit overprotective but we- I was scared. Finding her that day was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. It was when she told me about the baby and her miscarrige in a previous relationship was when she started to pull away from me. Our conversations grew shorter and awkward, our passionate kisses became little pecks. It felt like we were growing apart but I don’t fully understand why.

(Riley’s POV)

Liam was down the hall in our home study and I was sitting in our bedroom on the bed, my phone in hand as I scrolled down the comments of the video of my seizure.

I know that looking at them isn't going to make me feel better but I want to know what people are saying about me.

When everything with Tariq happened the comments didn't bother me because I knew it didn't happen...but there was no denying this.

People continued to speculate on whether I was faking it, what was wrong with me if it was real, if I had overdosed and other random ridiculous theories.

I haven't really left our apartment or spoken to anyone- especially Liam. I’m embarrassed even though I can’t control it and I shouldn’t be but I am.

I can’t help it.

I feel like I've not only embarrassed myself but Liam too and my friends.

It astounds me how cruel people can be.

I continued to scroll down the despicable comments- once again only looking at the negative ones. At this point I’ve already read and thought so many despicable things that I've kind of become numb to it now. There’s nothing anyone can say that I haven't already thought of.

I feel the hot tears stinging as I continue to look through them.

Why would he want to be with her???

That’s so embarrassing and gross.

She can die from one of these, right? Great!

I don’t realise that I’m crying or that Liam has come into the room until his hands are resting on my shoulders and he’s kneeling in front of me.

“What’s wrong?”

“It doesn't matter,” I sniffled. I placed my phone down beside me and wiped at my eyes. Liam sat beside me as I brought my knees up to my chest.

“Talk to me,” he encouraged.

He doesn't understand. He can’t. How could I possibly explain to him what I’m feeling right now?

He’d be better off right? He wouldn't have to be constantly worried and stressed about me. He could find someone else, someone who makes him happy and doesnt hurt him.

“Please?”

He moved so he was sitting in front of me. He brought his hands up, both cupping either side of my face as his thumbs wiped the tears away.

“Please talk to me.”

“And say what?” I shrugged, “ That I don’t want to do any of this anymore? Or how I’m so terrified that I’m going to murder our baby so I’m pushing you away so when it happens you’ll already hate me? Is that what you wanted me to tell you?!” My chest was now rising and falling quickly from my outburst. Liam opened his mouth to speak but opted against it.

I mean what did I expect? He’s probably thinking the same things I am.

“Wh-” He started, swallowing thickly. “What do you mean you don’t want to do this anymore?” I stayed silent. I don't know what to say or how to say it. “What’s going on in that head of yours, Ri?” He asked calmly.

I swallowed thickly. If I was being honest, I don’t know. It’s more than what people have been saying online. Those things of course bother me but it’s not anything I haven’t heard before. That’s not what’s caused this.

I shrugged at his question. I don’t know what’s going on or even if I know how do I explain it? I feel lost and..and hopeless and scared. I’m really scared.

“Riley?”

“I-I just don’t want to do this anymore.” I swallowed thickly as I turned my head to look at him.

“What don’t you want to do anymore?”

“All of it.” I saw the fear flash across my husband's face. “I don’t want to be here anymore,” I said, my voice monotone. I know that I’m going to start crying, I know that i’ve just hurt Liam with what I’ve said and stand up after picking my cell phone up and pocketing it.

I went to walk away but Liam's hand gently wrapped around my wrist to stop me. I hesitantly turn to face him. My heart shattered at seeing the tears welling in his eyes.

I tugged my arm out of his grasp and cleared my throat. “I-I need a minute.”

“Riley?” He called after me. His voice laced with sheer panic. I stopped in the doorway and turned to look at him getting up onto his feet.

He went to move towards me but I held up a hand to stop him, “I’m not going to do anything,” I reassured, “ I- I just need a minute. I’ll come back.” I didn't say anything else as I left the apartment.

It was true, I wasn’t going to do anything, I just wanted to be alone for a few minutes to think over it all. I needed to figure this all out on my own first.

The next morning, my eyes fluttered open and were immediately stung by the sun rays peeking in through the partially closed curtains. I turned over to lay on my back and used my arm to shield my eyes from the blinding light.

I had avoided Liam after our talk yesterday evening and had stayed with Drake last night to ensure I wouldn’t run into my husband. I had sent Liam a text before going to bed to let him know that I’m okay.

There were a million different places I could’ve stayed but Drake is one of my best friends and I couldn’t be with Liam knowing I had hurt him.

Drake was like Liam- overprotective but he is one my best friends. Drake has always been here for me, through the highs and lows. Always here to confide in but we haven't spoken about it.

I don’t know where to begin or how to explain how I’m feeling.

It’s not that I can’t speak to Liam. I can tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me over it but seeing his face last night… I can’t hurt him anymore. I can’t.

I had found that over the last few days my mind had started to become a scary place. Filled with thoughts I haven't had since highschool. They're difficult to ignore. I’m tired of trying to ignore them. Keeping them pushed to the back of my mind only for them to come back stronger.

Everything just takes up so much energy.

I threw the blankets off of me, headed out of Drake's spare room and down the hall to the bathroom- that was thankfully unoccupied.

Drake never was an early riser so that’s hardly surprising.

I had just sat, pulled my pants and panties down when I felt my stomach churn at the sight of the red substance splattered in my otherwise pristine white underwear.

Shit. shit. No...please

I can feel my heart start racing. Beating madly like horses hooves hitting the ground. My stomach rolls and my heart sinks.

This can't be happening.

“It's okay,” I whispered to myself. “I’m fine. A little bit of spotting is normal. Totally normal.” I’m saying the words, I know the facts and yet I’m still panicking.

I took a deep breath and held it in for a few seconds, closing my eyes as I did so, going to my happy place. I did this a few more times to prevent my breathing going off the rails and going into a full blown panic. I don’t need that right now.

I don't have any nausea like normal but that’s okay, right? It should probably be called ‘all- day sickness’ It’s never just limited to the morning.

I’m fine.

It’ll probably rear its ugly head at some point during the day.

It’s probably a good thing actually. None of my friends know that I’m pregnant and Drake probably wouldn't appreciate me puking in his bathroom.

I flushed the toilet then headed out. As I was walking past the kitchen back to the spare room I heard Drake’s voice.

I changed direction and headed into the kitchen instead. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised to see my husband sitting at the table opposite Drake.

Liam stood up when he saw me and wrapped me in his arms. “Are you okay?” He immediately asked.

“I’m fine.” I wanted to tell him about the spotting but...I don’t. It’s probably nothing. There’s no point in both of us stressing over it.

“Last night you disappeared and I-”

“I’m sorry,” I cut him off before he started to continue his worried rambling. I feel like the biggest bitch on the planet.

I didn’t handle last night well at all.

“Don't you ever do that again,” Liam said. I could hear the concern and worry laced in his normal stoic voice.

“I’m sorry. I just needed to- I needed some time to think over everything,” I explained as I wrapped both my arms around him tighter.

“I was so worried about you,” he told me quietly.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

We were interrupted by Drake clearing his throat. We let go of each other and turned to him. “Do you one of you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Liam went to open his mouth but I started talking before he could have a chance to, “It’s private and nothing to worry about,” I say quickly. “Thank you for letting me stay last night, Drake.”

“Sure,” he responded.

“I-I’m gonna go and get my stuff.” I awkwardly headed out and into the spare room to grab my phone, only to discover it had died, and my jacket and shoes- since they were the only things I had with me yesterday evening.

I slipped my shoes and jacket on then headed back into the kitchen.

The awkwardness in there was almost palpable.

Liam and I both said goodbye to our friend, then headed back to our quarters so I could shower and change.

On the way back Liam had told me we needed to talk but I don’t want to...not now at least. I just wanted to shower before I met up with Hana later.

I had asked him about how he knew where I was. He told me that he had panicked last night when I left and had tried to get hold of me but received no answer, then had called Drake thankfully to discover I was safe and sound with him.

I truly felt awful about it all. I wasn’t thinking last night that my disappearing act would make him worry so much. I didn’t mean to make him worry.

It just seemed to be one thing after another.

It was a few hours later, Hana and I are sitting in the library working on planning Maxwell’s surprise birthday party. Neither of us had planned one before and was finding it a little bit difficult. An offer had been extended for Drake to come and join us but he opted against it and Liam was in the middle of a conference call with the French ambassador but should be along shortly.

My laptop was open in front of me. I was writing down all our ideas we had come up with so far. All we knew was that we wanted it to be Kraken or squid themed- maybe both.

I was typing all of our ideas when my arm started to tingle.

Oh no.

I looked up to Hana who sat opposite me. She was making a sketch of a new suit she wanted to make for Maxwell for the party.

My stomach rolled.

Hana soon looked up at me. Everything was becoming confusing. My notes are almost forgotten. Why I’m here forgotten too.

I don’t think I took my medication this morning.

“Are you alright?”

I shook my head. “N-No,” I slurred.

All I really know right now is that I’m not feeling good. I feel sick.

I wobbily got to my feet and so did Hana.

I don’t know where I am but I don’t want to be here.

She stood in front of me, hands resting on my shoulders. “Riley, are you going to have a seizure?” My hearing is starting to disappear. Her voice sounds different- echoey.

I don’t understand what she's asking me.

(Hana’s POV)

I now understand what Maxwell had been feeling at the fundraiser. We’ve both been there to witness this but Drake and Liam have always been the ones to help her.

I gently helped her down onto the floor.

Riley started to squirm and whimper as she tried to get up off the floor. Her limbs don’t want to cooperate with her. I’m sure that’s making her panic more because her attempts to get away get stronger.

“It’s okay,” I said, quietly. She’s still squirming and whimpering. I know she probably doesn't understand anything that I’m saying right now to attempt to comfort her.

I heard her start to gag and immediately helped her over onto her side. I rubbed her back comfortingly, “It’s okay .Get it all out.”

Once she had finished, I quickly stood to fetch our phones off the table and a cushion off one of the seats.

I carefully slid the cushion under her head, she tried to move but she can barely move her limbs now.

“I dun’t feel glood,” She said in a small, slurred voice that made it difficult for me to understand.

“It's okay,” I tried to console but I dont think it’s doing much.

Her face fell blank, expressionless and less than a second later she started seizing, I quickly pressed the button to start the timer. I picked Riley’s phone up and looked for Liam’s contact.

It only ran three times before Liam picked up. “Love?”

“It’s Hana, Liam. We’re in the library and Riley’s having a seizure.”

“What?” He sounded panicked.

“She’s okay. It’s all under control. I- I just thought that you needed to know.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Liam hung up and I turned all my attention back to Riley. A little bit of blood started to trickle out of her mouth, I used the bottom of my dress to wipe it away, remembering that I needed to keep her airway as clear as possible.

Her thrashing started to slow down. “There you go,” I whispered. 2:23 was on the timer as I reached over to stop it as her thrashing ceased. I made a mental note of it.

About a minute later Liam arrived and dropped onto his knees beside us. It wasnt much longer until her eyes started to move behind their lids and opened completely.

(Riley’s POV)

Why can’t I move?

Why can’t I hear?

Where am I?

I can see two figures beside me. I can’t tell who they are!

Who are they?

What do they want?

Where am I?

I try to squirm away but my body doesn’t want to comply.

I’m scared, I don’t know where I am or why I’m here. My fight-or- flight response is starting to kick in. All I know is that I need to get away from these strange people.

Everything is still a blurry right now. The figures don’t yet have any defined facial features. My hearing is like I’m underwater- it’s all muffled.

A short while later, the details of the world around me is starting to bleed back into focus- I only wish my memory would do this too. I can see the bookshelves, the people near me. A sense failairt is over then but I can’t quite figure out why yet

The blonde ones seem to notice that I can see him and tilts his head a little bit. I realize I do recognize him and the woman. “Liam?” I asked. I’m still a little bit unsure.

The world doesn't completely make sense.

“I’m here,” he cooed. “We’re in the library, you had a little seizure,” he started to explain to me, “It’s just me and Hana.”

I looked at the woman. “Hi Riley.”

I don’t properly acknowledge my friend and look back to Liam. “What happened? I asked, his previous explanation completely forgotten.

“You had a seizure.”

“Oh.”

It took a few minutes for me to become fully alert. Now I was sitting up with Liam supporting me from behind.

I’m so tired.

I turned my head slightly and noticed the red stain on the bottom of my friend's dress. “I’m so sorry,” I panicked. Hana looked confused before she followed my gaze down.

“Oh don’t worry about it,” She said, waving me off.

“It’ll probably stain.”

“It’ll be fine. I promise,” Hana reassured, “I’m sure I’ll be able to get it out. Don’t worry about it.”

I nodded and let out a yawn.

“Do you want to head back to the apartment now?” Liam asked me. I nodded in agreement. Liam stood first and extended a hand out to me, I took it gratefully. Liam easily pulled me up off the not so comfortable library floor.

We both said goodbye to Hana, Liam grabbed my laptop off the table then we headed out. “Are you feeling okay now?” Liam asked me.

“Yeah,” I yawned, “I’m just tired, a little sore.”

We continued towards the apartment for a few minutes, when Liam spoke again breaking the silence. “Do you know what caused it this time?” He asked.

“I erm...I forgot to take my medication this morning,” I realized, thinking back to this morning. “I- I got a little distracted.” When we arrived back, I decided a nap would be beneficial- i was exhausted now so I settled down on the couch. Liam retrieved a blanket from our bedroom as I got comfortable. By the time he returned I was just about to drift off.

I felt him cover me with the blanket then place a kiss on my forehead. “I’ll be in the study if you need me.” I hummed before letting myself drift off.

I’m not sure how much later it was when I was woken up from my nap by some cramping, I rubbed at my eyes as I stood up. I felt sick at seeing the cushion I was laying on is now stained red.

Shit!

I looked down and saw the red, sticky blood covering my pants. I immediately headed out of the living room. I need Liam. This isn’t normal.

An icy finger ran down my spine when I felt another cramp slice across my lower abdomen. I wasn’t expecting it and leaned forward, grabbing hold of the door frame to Liam’s study, groaning quietly.

This can't be happening….Please, Please don’t let this be happening….Please…

My knuckles had turned white from the force I was using to keep hold of the wood. My other hand was resting on my stomach.

I bit my lip. I could taste the familiar metallic taste of blood from the freshly made cut in my bottom lip. I bit down harder as the pain seemed to intensify . I tried to keep in the whimper but I couldn’t.

I heard Liam’s chair be pushed back, then footsteps and before I knew it he was standing in front of me.

I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as I looked up to him. His eyebrows were knitted in concern but the look in his eyes told me he had an inkling about what was happening.

“Riley?” I’m sure I heard his voice crack. I whimpered again as another cramp tore through me.

What did I do wrong?

I can feel Liam’s hands resting on my shoulders now. “Riley, what’s happening sweetheart?”

I looked up to him. My tear filled gaze meeting his. My bottom lip trembled.

Was It something I ate?

“I-I’m…” I turned to look down at the floor. I couldn't look at him while I told him this. I couldn't watch as I shattered his dream of having a baby- like a true coward. “I’m losing the baby.”

Liam’s hands fell from my shoulders to rest by his side. He looked scared, panicked.

Is this because of a seizure?

Liam rubbed at his teary eyes. I groaned as another cramp sliced across my stomach once again. Liam stepped towards me and I grabbed onto his shoulders.

What if I had told him this morning?

“It’s okay,” Liam said, quickly, cupping my face in his hands.

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “It...It’s not,” I cried. The pain only seemed to worsen and I had the sudden urge to go to the toilet. “I-I need to go to the toilet.”

Liam nodded and helped me down the hall and into the bathroom. I pulled down my pants and underwear and took a seat.

“Get out,” I ordered quietly. My knuckles were once again white clamped over my knees. Liam looked up at me, disbelief spread across his face.

“What?”

“Get out,” I demanded more forcibly this time. I didn’t want him to see this. He didn’t need to see this.

“Ri-”

“JUST GET OUT!” I screamed at him through a sob. “Please.” I could see the internal battle he was having with himself. “Just go,” I sniffled.

Thankfully he did as he was told.

It was a few minutes later when suddenly all the pain was gone and something slippery fell out and splashed into the toilet.

Oh god.

I wiped myself with some toilet paper. It came back covered in red. I felt sick.

I slowly got back up to my feet and pulled up my pants. I turned around so I’m facing the toilet; I bit my lip, once again drawing blood as I looked down into the bowl. It’s hard to see anything because of the crimson stained water, then I see it- my baby bobbing in the water.

My hand hovers on the handle.

I want to take it out. It doesn't feel right for my baby to be in the toilet where waste goes but what would I do with it? With him or her?

I heard the door open as Liam stepped in. I don’t turn to look at him, my gaze is fixed on the toilet. I felt him step up behind me and peek a glance.

He wrapped his arms around me and a sob ripped out of his throat. I let myself slam into his chest and allow him to wrap me in his arms as I continue to stare at it.

I don’t know what to do.

“I-I don’t know what to do,” I mumbled, defeated. Liam rubbed my shoulders comfortingly, sniffling.

“What did you do last time?” He asked.

“I- I buried her.”

“Did that help?” I shook my head. It didn't. Having my baby so close to me just outside and knowing I couldn’t hold her broke my heart. Everyday. “Should we flush it?” I could hear in his voice that he was crying.

My hand reached for the handle as my other when to cover my mouth as a sob tore out of my throat. Liam stepped closer to me, one hand around my waist as the other covered mine over the handle.

“Are you sure?” I nodded and turned my head away. “One...two...three.” Both our hands pushed down and a loud whooshing filled my ears as clean water replaced the crimson.

After I had calmed down, Liam and I headed to the hospital after he had convinced me too. I know he’s just worried and wants to make sure I was okay so I go along with it even though I don’t care anymore.

After getting checked out, Liam and I climbed in the back of the SUV and strapped ourselves in. We barely had uttered a word to one another- actually Liam had tried to talk to me but...what was there to say? It’s gone and there's nothing anybody can do to change that.

I keep going over it all wondering if there was something I could’ve done differently, what I did wrong...There must’ve been something that I did to cause this.

Like I had suspected everyone told me that it wasnt my fault- that ‘it’s just one of those things and ‘it’s actually quite common’ but I don't know what to think or how to feel.

I didn’t let myself get excited over it. I didn't let myself dream over what the baby would look like or what they’d be, what type of person they would grow up to become but from the moment that baby was conceived it was my child. I know for a fact Liam over the last nine weeks has thought about it, let himself get excited over it and I had just ruined it for him.

The journey back home was spent in an uncomfortable silence. I wanted to speak. I wanted to apologise profusely to my husband for what I had done but I couldn’t. How could I ever make amends with words?

When we arrived home, Liam had extended out his hand to help me out of the vehicle but I didn't take it, opting to push past him instead.

I heard Liam’s hurried footsteps behind me as I walked towards our apartment. I could hear him calling my name but I ignored it and continued on my way.

I quickly unlocked the front door and headed straight to the bathroom.

I need a shower.

I headed down the hall to the bathroom.

I didn't waste any time stripping off my clothes and switching the water.

It’s cold to begin with but I’m numb to everything right now.

Everything feels like I've stepped into another dimension or that I'm trapped in a nightmare that I can’t escape.

It doesn't feel real.

I picked up the loofah and plastered it in my body wash and started to scrub at dried blood on my legs.

I want it off of me!

I don’t realise that all the blood is soon gone and I’m just rubbing at my flesh until its raw.

I’m crying.

I’m screaming.

I just want this all to stop.

My hand is pulled away from my now agitated flesh by Liam. He plucked the loofah out of my hand and put it down then pulled me against his chest. I fight against him and manage to squirm out of his grip.

He can’t comfort me.

I don’t deserve it not after what I’ve done.

One of the first things I notice now that I’m facing him is that he’s still wearing his clothes and they're wet.

“You’re getting all wet!” I cried as I tried to urge him out of the shower but he wouldn't budge. He simply just pulled me into his arms, my back resting against his chest.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered. I’m not sure he heard me over the water hitting the floor. It hit me then that I could never apologise enough, there is nothing I can do that is ever going to rectify any of this.

It’s not like this is the first time. It’s happened twice- two babies that I have failed to protect. Two babies that I just wanted to hold more than anything in the world but will never get the chance too.

“There’s nothing to apologise for.”

“Y-yes there is,” I said. My bottom lip quivered. I know that If I speak again then the tears are going to start falling.

“It’s not your fault.” Liam’s words do not ring true for me right now. I’ve already convinced myself that my actions caused this. That I am the one to blame. I want to cry but why should I be allowed to grieve over something that I caused?

It’s all my fault.

#my story #tw miscarriage #tw seizure #tw sucidal thoughts #the royal romance #trr #wacky drabbles #liam x riley

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