#this is hard to explain because it's kind of passive-aggressive but at the same time it isn't at all?

[coquelicoq]

i actually love apologizing to people in a professional context when they inconvenience me. it can be such a power move. it's really context-dependent, though. the apology has to be sincere. it doesn't work if i'm actually just 100% fuming and have no sympathy for whatever their situation is, but if i can easily say to myself, "this must really be inconveniencing them also," then i love to be like, "thank you so much for your patience! i'm so sorry this has been such an ordeal. i really appreciate your perseverance. let me know if i can do anything to help!" because i do fully mean all those things at the same time that i'm like, so irritated because it's been like pulling teeth to get anything out of this person. and they know that they should have done the thing weeks ago, and then they feel bad that i'm apologizing, and it guilts them into doing whatever i need them to do. i am not interested in interrogating what this says about me as a person but again i must reiterate the apology is sincere. i'm sorry for both of us! i wish things were easier. i wish the load was lighter. take my hand. let's walk into that world together.

[actually-well-written]

THE HASHIRAS ARE ALL VIRGINS AND HERE'S MY ARGUMENT

Ok, ok, first of all, we should get something out of the way.

Tengen Uzui is NOT a virgin.

He might be the only one that isn't. He has three wives, first of all. pretty attractive ones too but it's not just that he's married either.

The characters have stated and acknowledged the fact that he's really attractive multiple times, not to mention even before meet his wives he was still a ladies man. So it's safe to assume even before beening his wives he was still NOT a virgin.

And besides, he has a son. So even in the rare case that he was, he's definitely not anymore

R.I.P. Uzui you would have loved saying Rizz 😔😔🙏🙏

Ok now, let's begin.

Shinobu kocho is a virgin.

First of all, she's a workaholic, she had to be a hashira, the head of her 'hospital', the teacher to Kanao, and not to mention she has been working on the poison for Domua and Muzan as well as the cure. I doubt she has any free time and if she did, I wouldn't be surprised if she used it to sleep or something, no time to go out and find someone poor girl is working herself to death og

Another thing is, she doesn't seem like the type to even what to get some action. First of all, there's her little obsession with poisoning people and threatening to kill people all the time, so that might be a bit of a repellent.

All though, characters have stated and treated her like a godness, because of her beauty. Therefore I believe if she was offered a chance she would decline probably a little passive aggressively also I feel like she believes that kind of thing just doesn't matter for her, given the fact she's been planning her death for years and probably just wants to stay pure enough for heaven when her short time comes to an end.

R.I.P. shinobu, you would have loved true crime documentaries 😔😔🙏🙏

Obanai Iguro is obviously a virgin.

He's literally had a fear and hatred for women because of his past, it's even been stated that he has a hatred to the demon slayer women, because he believes they are emotionally closed off. Which causes me to safely assume, that even if he wanted too, he believes that you can't have sex without the love.

Which also makes his love for Mitsuri even more pure, because he would absolutely still love her the same if she where to tell him he could never touch her again. He loves her for her soul and her love ❤️

R.I.P Obanai you would have loved Internet stalking 😔😔🙏🙏

Mitsuri Kanroji is a virgin.

Need I prove it? Fine, it's literally stated that before joining the corps, she has no luck with men dumbasses and she also explained that the reason she joined the corps was to find a man that would want a women like her. This proves that Mitsuri has not met a man that wants to be with a woman like her idiots therefore, she has no experience.

And I have the feeling that she also believes that you can't have sex without the love and if she was given the chance, she would politely decline. She would want to save herself for a person she would want to spend her life with. She also seems like the type to want a men to just hold her hand for 6 months getting to know her until they were to do something that intimate.

R.I.P. Mitsuri you would have been a Hello Kitty girl 😔😔🙏🙏

Kyojuro Rengoku is a virgin.

Alright, at first, I was sure this man was NOT a virgin. He's kind, he's handsome, and multiple women have admired him, but then I thought about it more.

First of all, almost everything he's done was to please his father, granted he eventually stopped trying so hard, but still. Given that mindset, he would want to be with someone that his family would approve of, and he couldn't do that with just anyone.

Say what you will, but I believe Rengoku's the type to get too attached to a person if he were to be intimate. Sex is a very vulnerable bonding moment after all. Also, before the death of his mother, it's very implied that he witnessed true love through watching his parents, he would want to have that for himself as well.

I feel like if he wanted to have that kind of intimacy it would be because he is married to them and because he wants to have children, therefore I believe he is a virgin by choice. Probably waiting for marriage or at the very least, a person he knows will be the mother to his children.

R.I.P Rengoku you would have loved buffets 😔😔🙏🙏

Giyu Tomioka is a virgin.

You would assume that he is a virgin. I mean, he's very closed off, quiet, accidentally comes off as rude, and he's very clueless, and is seems he spends a lot of his time being depressed.

Another thing is also that inferiority complex he suffers from. I believe that it goes farther from jaut believing he doesn't belong with the rank of the other hashira's, but it also goes into his daily life. And probably also makes him believe he doesn't deserve the 'cravings' of a man.

I also have this feeling that if he was given the chance, he would be very clueless or decline in a pretty dull voice he doesn't mean too, not to mention he makes a pretty big deal when people talk to him, implying he's not used to people demonstratimg behavior that shows they have interest in him

The thing is though, of he really wanted too, he could easily get as much game as he wanted too.

I mean, throughout the anime is implied that even the other hashira's notice how attractive giyu is, which might I add, says a lot, considering they all think he's rude.

And besides, he doesn't exactly act like he doesn't know how to pull, I mean come on, we can see that attitude he gets when Sanemi pushes his buttons far enough or when he grows some confidence for a few seconds 👀👀

R I.P Tomioka you would have loved animal crossing.😔😔🙏🙏

Sanemi Shinazugawa is a virgin

I know some people are gonna get a little butthurt on this one, but here me out.

Ok, first of all, there's that attitude of his. If you were on the street and a man was yelling at his younger brother for some stupid reason, would you find that man attractive after? I don't think so. And it's not just that, he's pretty aggressive, he's inpatient, and frankly he's scary looking. If a women were to be able to handle that trauma coping personality then I kinda doubt that in this area of time, all his scars would have been an attractive factor to some people.

I mean think about it, if your a village girl and a men looking like him come out of no where, wouldn't you be jumpscared?

Ok, but let's say it's a women from the corps, surly they would understand scars happen right? Well, sure, but here's a thing people keep forgetting. He's shy. Gyomei has stated that Sanemi is actually very shy at times. If he looked at a women that way, he would get really ashamed or embarrassed by it, and would probably avoid the said person. That been said, if he was given the chance then maybe he would take it.

Nah, who am I kidding, he would most definitely take it, but then here's another thing. I feel like he would get attached. Like I said, sex is a vulnerable bonding moment, no matter the situation. If he got with a women I'm pretty sure there is a huge chance he would end up being very close to that person and then feel conflicted but he doesn't want to get attached.

Therefore sex with Sanemi would have to be with someone he loves, because he would be aware that he would catch feelings. Argo, he's a virgin, because he refuses to risk losing another person that he loves. poor baby

R.I.P. Sanemi you would have loved raging at little kids in video games 😔😔🙏🙏

Gyomei Himejima is a virgin.

He's a virgin by choice. That's it. If he wanted to he easily could. But he doesn't want to and never will. Why? Well, probably because he wants to focus his attention on more important matters, like training, protecting children, prying for the departed souls, fighting demons.

And also, he has the sexual desires of a buddhist monk. He just doesn't care for this stuff. The end.

R.I.P. Gyomei you would have loved prayer rooms in airports 😔😔🙏🙏

Muichiro is a minor.

Thank you for listening to my argument and I hoped I have proved my point. Everything I have said today, is my opinion and should not be taken so seriously. Please don't attack me.

[nova-alien-rants]

trying to finally heal my NPD and dealing with the damage it's caused is so fucking devastating

uhh if you demonize narcs please get off my blog before i launch you into the sun uhh this post is kinda long

it just... it hurts so bad dude. and i feel like my BPD makes it even worse because every time i'm confronted with the reality that i've fucked up those around me so badly, i can end up spiraling into thinking i'm the worst person ever, i deserve to die, i ruin everything, there's no hope for me, etc. it's so awful. i genuinely hate how much i've hurt those in my life.

examples:

i've gaslit my gf to the point where she still feels like SHE'S the problem, even though it's literally been me all along. she kept trying to help me and i villainized her the whole time. i'm disgusted with how i acted. my eyes have been opened and i no longer act the way i did, but the damage has been done and i can't help but cry because of how much i've hurt her these past several years.

my friend became used to me making backhanded jabs and even passive aggressive remarks because i always felt threatened by him. i stopped being mean to him like that, but because he was used to that dynamic with me, he kept up with his own vindictiveness and made me feel terrible that i trained him to do that in the first place. he doesn't do it with anyone else.

i've lost many friends and gotten into baseless arguments simply because i was acting like a giant asshole under the delusion that THEY were the assholes, not me. even though they literally did not do anything. my own ego was wounded and that wasn't their fault. i was such a fool for destroying those relationships.

i feel so fucking despondent so much of the time now, and i keep flip flopping between "there's hope for me and i can help reduce the stigma of NPD" and "i am the worst person ever, i'm a horrible monster who just hurts people, there's no getting better for me." my emotions are so intense. either they're everywhere, or they're nowhere. i also feel so much grief. i could have had amazing relationships with amazing people around me, and to an extent i do now! but so much of the lives of myself and others have been absolutely ravaged by my own self obsession and vindictiveness, and i can't help but wonder what things would be like if i weren't the way i am. honestly i'm so ashamed of myself for letting things get to this point.

whenever i would do research on NPD, i would wonder like... why do people not know they have this condition? how could they possibly not know when it fucks up their lives so bad? i knew about my BPD and OCPD before i even knew what those conditions were called, and those are also ego-syntonic personality disorders! so i was REALLY thrown a curveball when i was told i'm a narc. it felt like my world shattered and i simultaneously could see clearer, but also felt so much shame and sadness. and other things, but i don't even know what in specific. bad things. it seriously changed how i viewed myself and everyone and everything in this world around me.

i remember i would always tell myself i would never end up like my parents, both of whom are narcissists. they were and still are the worst abusers out of all the abusers i've ever had in my life. so when i found out i was a narc, too, i felt disgusted not only because it explained so much of my life, but also because it meant my worst fear had come true. i associate narcissism with my parents. i'd be lying if i were to say i didn't have my own internalized ableism about NPD due to them. at the same time though, i get distressed from sharing physical features with them too, so it's hard to really say. it just sucks all around.

i feel like some kind of evil monster crying crocodile tears upon finally having it click that they actually are, indeed, some kind of evil monster. i've hurt so many people so badly and i was totally blind to it. COMPLETELY. to the point i genuinely believed THEY were the ones hurting ME. sometimes i'm so consumed with shame i literally never want to show my face to anyone ever again. i want to run away and start a new life where no one knows who i am or what my past was like. but alas, such is not feasible, so i am stuck dealing with the consequences of my actions. and accept them i will, of course, because it's the grave i dug for myself, but fuck, man. this feels so awful. i feel so awful.

[sixisnotaprettynumber]

Expanding on my Ben and “ESOEMOEHOED” lyric post because I genuinely have nothing better to do. (pt 2 in the “Let the Hargreeves siblings be flawed people” rants).

It always drives me crazy when people complain about Ben (and the others) “being mean to Klaus” or “not understanding his addiction” because they’re forgetting the fact that he’s been dealing with that shit for twenty one (possibly twenty two) years.

Notice how I didn’t say seventeen years. Because the thing is Klaus didn’t start taking drugs after Ben died. As early as s1, he’s shown to have been rolling joints under the dinner table when Five was still around - which means he was thirteen at the oldest when he started.

It’s also shown in the s4 Ben flashback scene that his siblings are the ones that had to deal with getting him ready for missions whenever he got all doped up or drunk or whatever unsober state he decided to be in that day (in that instance it was Allison but if you consider “Young Blood” canon in any way the implication is that it was usually Ben). And that’s a lot for a kid to deal with - both being the person taking drugs and being the person having to deal with someone who isn’t sober!

Either way, they’d all been doing it for a long time. And the thing is dealing with addicts is hard. The show goes out of its way to explain this! Ben just has to sit there and watch as someone he loves destroys their life over and over again. It’s so fucking difficult. Does that mean he should dismiss Klaus’ pain? No! Does it mean he should lash out the way he does? No! Obviously not!

But it does mean when he says “You’re always going through something!” or “How many rock bottoms do you have to hit?” it’s not coming from a place of cruelty - but exhausted experience. He’s done this a million times at this point. When he asks “Can you handle this?” he means “Am I going to have to help you pick up the pieces again and watch you destroy yourself when that fails?”

Ben’s being a dick. Ben’s one of the only people who hasn’t completely given up on Klaus. All the other siblings have (rightfully) drifted away from one another at the beginning of the series but Ben stayed. And we can go in circles all day for the reasonings on why he did that - fear, selfishness, love - but there was never a point where he didn’t think Klaus could do better. If Klaus wanted to get sober, Ben’d be passive aggressive and snarky and condescending - but he’d support him full heartedly. Because Klaus is better than that - and Dave knew it too. The people closest to him know that.

Now this isn’t a hate post on Klaus - he’s literally one of my favorite characters of all time - and addiction is hard. Reginald’s abuse was horrific and cruel and endlessly traumatizing. Klaus is shown to be empathetic and creative and kind and brilliant and loving! And that’s what makes it so tragic. That’s the part that makes Ben (and the others) so frustrated when Klaus screws up, that’s why they all want Klaus to get sober. Because they love him! And he’s better than that.

And they know he’s fully capable of doing it - Klaus just refuses to see that most of the time because acknowledging that would be the hardest thing he’s ever done. It’d mean giving up his one lifeline - the one thing he knows he can rely on - and admitting that it is an actual problem he has and not just a “fuck you” to Reginald. He was only ever hurting himself and his siblings - and at his core Klaus is a good person so he doesn’t want that.

Ben knew all that though. He didn’t handle that information correctly but he knew it. And that’s the most impossible and torturous thing in the world - knowing and being forced to watch Klaus piss it all away. The potential Ben sees in Klaus isn’t the same that Reginald saw - it’s far more important. He was an asshole but there was never once a point in the show where he didn’t love his brother.

Ben was stuck dealing with an addiction that wasn’t his. He was angry and tired and he loved his brother.

Those are all facts that can coexist.

[crabbunch]

ETHUBS SLAY THE PRINCESS AU CHAPTER TWO ROUTES:

The Witch: This timeline's this au's version of Hermitcraft season 5 (the one with the NHO and the jungle). There's lots of plants. Etho is distrustful of Bdubs. There's frog and scorpion metaphors. But also if Bdubs is careful he can give Etho his knife and let her stab him. Which is basically the same thing as the jungle eating Etho, slowly driving Bdubs insane, and then also eating Bdubs. Or was that the convex. Whatever it doesn't matter. You get the vibes.

The Damsel: This one's based off of secret life. In stp, the damsel's whole deal is that your perceptions of her warp and twist her into something that is no longer a person. I kind of had a hard time thinking of something that fit but I eventually settled on secret life just because those tasks sure did weird things lmao am i right???? anyways this Etho seemingly says all the things she never said directly to Bdubs face and means none of them. Because she is only wish fulfillment. It's not satisfying to see the horse course leap up from the ground, no contribution from Bdubs necessary, anyways. He doesn't like this Etho.

The Stranger: This timeline's based off of Etho's single-player world. More specifically, it's based on episode 404. Bdubs isn't supposed to be here. There's lots of Ethos. It's a sort of warped version of the true multitudes that Etho and Bdubs hold. They don't ever know each other. Bdubs isn't supposed to be on Etho's single-player world. His voice is familiar, but he's not supposed to be here.

The Adversary: This timeline is based off of various UHCs. Etho is good at fighting, and violent, and very very hot. Most importantly, she's not really mad at Bdubs. She's just kind of bored and lonely, and when he shows up, she's READY to fight to the death with him. For like, fun. If Bdbus plays his cards right, he and Etho can fight to the death as many times as they want, respawning just to pummel each other into a bloody pulp again and again and again. Peak romance <3. His other options involve running away, not getting in the right mindset and killing Etho "permanently" or dying permanently." Grian is incredibly unimpressed by the fact that Bdubs has a crush on the VERY MURDEROUS AND BLOODTHIRSTY PRINCESS. as if he doesn't have worse taste.

The Spectre: This one's based off of double life. Etho's kind of petty and passive aggressive but doesn't really outright make any moves against Bdubs. Bdubs acts like nothing's going on between them and like everything's the same as ever. They team up in the end, but it doesn't have time to go anywhere because they die right after that. And by die I mean Etho is swallowed up into the greater consciousnesses of Etho goddess edition and Bdubs into his own god.

The Beast: this timeline is based off of Survival of the Fittest. Mostly because it's super duper dark down in the basement, and I think that it's a funny dig at Bdubs' terrible footage where you can see absolutely nothing. However if you think about it getting eaten by a creature so that both of she can escape the cabin only to get taken away by your greater self before you can really taste the fresh air is sort of like killing a guy's teammates and then handcuffing him to you so that you have to team. and then loosing.

The Prisoner: This one's last life. Etho chops off her own head and trusts Bdubs to take it outside the cabin? Trusts Bdubs to believe in her? That's only one route. They can beat each other to death. They can get locked in the basement together and watch the eons pass. Idk how to explain it but this is just so last life to me. There's a fragile trust between them. It's all fun and games. They're both deadly serious. Grian is there. Head in hands.

The Nightmare: This one's based off of Mindcrack- specifically the Death Games and a few other pranks that Etho plays on Bdubs. I think that psychological damage via seeing every single timeline ever is sort of the same thing as the obsidian coffin. Also I think that needing a guy in the back of your head to recite "heart, lung, liver, nerves" in order to stop your organs from shutting down is very early videos Bdubs.

The Razor: This one is Hermitcraft season 8. Bdubs dies over and over and over again. Nothing he does stops it. Etho is silly and goofy and doesn't really realize the weight of the situation. "I'm going to kill you now ^_^" most etho core thing ever.

[eldritch-spouse]

Good morning!! I’m just thinking about your demons again. I ADORE the new additions. 💕

What kind of traits do demons typically find appealing romantically? Like, I know how to woo these folks for the most part, but what passive traits do they find impressive?

Like, I know they’re diverse and no two people like the same thing. Just wondering about “beauty” standards in the circles (not beauty, we know about beauty, I can’t think of the right word). Like, I assume gluttons would appreciate other big eaters, or good cooks, and concubi can appreciate promiscuity of all sorts, or on the flip side, find purity appealing and/or cute.

(I especially would love to know what pride demons typically find attractive.)

[Thenk you! <:7]

That's a little bit vague, I'm not too sure where to go from here, so I'm kind of going to ramble. Not that it's hard to guess. I'll stray from physical descriptions.

There's a trick to this I'll explain at the end.

Wrath demons tend to romanticize hard-headed bulls who never back down from a challenge, as you might imagine. People who stick by their values and exude determination, not easily swayed. People hardened by time and their environment, who rise from the lowest lows to the highest of platforms with grace and respect.

Others may enjoy someone whose fury is subtle yet extremely well calculated, strategized, flawless. Of course, many of them fetishize murderers, violent miscreants of all kinds, serial killers and the aggressively insane;

Greed demons will naturally flock to anyone who's financially "abundant". People who spend carelessly because they earn carelessly. Though many of them will also keep a sharp eye on stingy people who count everything down to the last penny. Sometimes saving a huge chunk of money by executing a series of cheap and clever exploits is enough to have these demons fanning themselves;

Many other greedy demons have fallen for notorious heist authors, prolific robbers, successful scammers, and all sorts of scummy people;

Gluttons do gravitate towards chefs, big eaters and those who own large chains of food, maybe well-known restaurants or even some brands of snacks that they really like. It varies. Those who are always hungry are obviously picked sooner, followed by those with a variety of eating disorders;

Although not as common, some more well-off gluttons pick partners who are extremely thin or otherwise unable to satiate their hunger due to a less genuine drive to "fix" that, or somehow captivate that person by letting them overindulge;

Envy demons tend to hover around those with great social influence. People that fawn attention, people who can start shit in public and get away with it. Celebrities, moles, those who spread their roots everywhere and have way too many connections. A good ability to adapt socially in short spans of time is also extremely coveted in partners;

Likewise, those at the very bottom of the latter, practically foaming at the mouth with their jealousy, ready to perform the most heinous of acts to attain even a crumb of their desires, are also appealing to these demons. The perfect cup-sized storm ready to burst;

Discussed plenty already, concubi are lovers of shameless sensuality and high-libidos. People who control chunks of the porn industry are highly sought after, those who own sex shops, who design the toys they use and abuse, those who write eroticas or administer large kink communities. Where perverts gather so do they, always ready to pick and pluck their favorite heathens;

Still, the fantasy of purity and corruption is very present in many concubi alike, which is what leads them to infiltrate communities of sexually frustrated people and drive them insane with want. Many go a step further and seek to scandalize people of faith, engaging is rancid displays inside sacred locations because the thrill of getting someone so disciplined to give in makes their heads spin with pleasure;

Sloth demons are into soft-spoken people. Those who live very comforted lives with little to get in the way and all the pleasures they could wish for at the tip of their fingers. Those whose hands are uncalloused because they've never had to work for anything in their lives, who might even take it all for granted;

In stark contrast, many will also seek people who are exhausted in all senses of the word. Who can never seem to get enough rest, who work themselves to the bone, frail and weathered and so chewed up inside, the plight for a break present in those heavy bags under their sunken eyes;

Pride demons covet the image of perfection. Whether or not that immaculate presentation is true or not matters none so long as it appears that way outwardly. They seek someone who can elevate them, someone who usually has others trailing after them, people with titles and so much arrogance it might physically hurt to be near them for long periods of time;

Many are also opportunistic however, willing to pick a partner who is down in the slums, dirty and ridden of all dignity. Someone who can't afford to say no to them, can't leave them, will see them as very center of the universe because what would they be without that demon? Nothing. The truest form of adoration for them, total worship, total dependence.

As you might have already guessed, there's contradictions here. The reason why is simple.

Demons of lower rank will usually choose those who are more true and successful representations/reminders of their sin. Because they have a lot to gain from pairing with them.

Demons of higher rank are already after those who desperately need their services, who covet what the sins can offer. Because people in their service and debt make for good lovers, in their eyes.

Mid rankers are a bit of a toss up.

This is not to say that there aren't exceptions to these tendencies, or that they can't exhibit completely opposite tastes, it's the general rule, the norm so to say.

[alexeeeeeeeeeee]

Lesson One | Welcome to Devildom!

| 1 | Royal Academy of Diavolo

'Where am I...?'

…

In a dream.

Because there was no other reasonable explanation for the fact that Goh was currently standing dumbfounded in a huge medieval-looking courtroom, being stared at by several men claiming to be demons.

'Demons. Ha.'

Was this a joke? Was he high? Even though he didn’t remember ever taking that kind of substance in his short life, maybe the stifling air of his small room in the university residence had made him dizzy enough to hallucinate things...

''... though we just call it RAD. You're standing inside the assembly hall, the very heart of RAD. This is where we officers of the student council hold our meetings and conduct our business.''

'Officers of... the student council? Is this a school?'

Goh had barely registered one piece of information that ten others popped up and assailed him with nonsense. A demon realm? A prince? What was his name again? Diavolo? One of the other men present explaining to him that Goh had been summoned into the Devildom as an exchange student aiming to complete an exchange program between a Celestial Realm and the human world? A man who actually happened to be Lucifer, Avatar of Pride?

'What the... Wait no, don't come any closer!... Stop talking already... A YEAR!?'

Oh, and now Lucifer (?) was handing him what looked an awful lot like an iPhone − a... D.D.D.? − and was informing him that it would be used to communicate with them and to invoke magic cards via a magic virtual book that would allow him to fight against other demons to strengthen his soul.

'Please, Goh, just wake up already... all this seems way to lucid for me to be reassured that nothing's real.'

...

Looked after by the Avatar of Greed, Lucifer's (?) brother?

Why didn't it sound promising?...

| 2 | The Seven Brothers

''So, what business does a human got with THE Mammon?''

''You'll... apparently be in charge of me from now on.''

''No way! There's nothin' in it for me.''

Great.

So one of the little brothers of Lucifer (?) had already some beef against him because his older brother obliged him to take care of the human.

The three other men in the courtroom were apparently also siblings of Lucifer (?), the gorgeous champagne-haired being the Avatar of Lust, Asmodeus (?); the passive-aggressive blond, the Avatar of Wrath, Satan (?); the giant and hungry redhead, the Avatar of Gluttony, Beelzebub (?).

'Aren’t Lucifer and Satan supposed to be the same being? Also, those Avatar Lords seem to embody the seven deadly sins, which means there must be two other brothers for envy and sloth…'

Goh had a really hard time trying to correctly understand the situation, and he was still not completly sure whether all this circus was reality, but since taking the phone − the D.D.D. −, he had this uncomfortable feeling that he might not be dreaming.

After all, the device felt pretty real to him.

Heavy, even.

As the presence of the five men (?) around him. He didn't feel extremely safe with them near him, even though Diavolo said that the brothers were going to protect him of potential demons disagreeing with the prince who might try something against him to screw things up.

Thus, Goh would have to live with them in the House of Lamentation.

And thus, Goh needed to collect as much informations as he could. Because if this interdimensional exchange program was his new life − for a whole year −, he needed to be prepared.

Had to be prepared.

Otherwise, there was a possibility that he could never be able to return to his normal life.

And maybe that the courtroom door presently opening would be one of the first danger that he would need to be aware of.

| 3 | Mammon, Avatar of Greed

Goh was so screwed.

He was definitely not dreaming.

The rush of fear that he felt as Mammon approched him and grabbed his shirt before ordering to give him all his money was way to real to only be a construction of his imagination.

Goh tried hard not to show any emotion, like he'd been doing since he'd become aware of his surroundings, as the tan-skinned and silver-haired demon was threatening to eat him right in front of his face, but it was a bit difficult when a fiery blue-green gaze and a hot breath were assailing him.

He got even more convinced that all what was happening was reality when Lucifer hit Mammon hard enough to let go and to cause him and the human he has been holding to stumble a few steps from the shock of the impact.

At this, Goh couldn't help but surreptitiously widen his eyes, momentarily stunned by the raw strength the demon was capable of displaying.

'I'm going to die. Protected? Hell, those brothers will be the cause of my death!'

Even though he had just been kind of attacked − technically, the demon hadn’t touch him −, the human felt a little confused when Satan revealed that Mammon really only cared about the money of someone, not the someone in question, because the bad feeling that was swarming tirelessly in the depths of his gut seemed to lighten a little when Goh's shaken mind had witnessed Mammon's reaction to Asmodeus' derogatory remark : the Avatar of Greed hadn't respond by making use of this threatening aura that Lucifer and Satan had released a little earlier when the latter was presented.

Even though the silver-haired demon obviously cared a lot about money − Satan called it ''grimm'', right? −, the human was able to perceive that he was also capable of restraint.

From the way Mammon's brothers − minus Beelzebub − insulted him without flinching, Goh deduced that this was the usual way of treating the second eldest.

Second eldest who, if one followed a logic of power scale, must have been the second strongest of the siblings, just after Lucifer.

At second glance, Mammon appeared to be a free spirit, thus explaining why he didn't look eager to personally take care of Goh during his stay in the Devildom, but maybe he was really not the worst protector that could be.

'I guess he looks more reasonable and sincere than Satan, Asmodeus or Lucifer... As for Beelzebub, I think that if I don't touch his food, he should leave me alone. Maybe I can survive this... I just have to not get involved in things that don't concern me and I should be fine. I think... I hope.'

''Alright, human, listen up. As much as I don't want to look after you, I've got no choice. So in return, you better make sure you don't cause me any trouble, got it?''

A bit calmer than five minutes ago, Goh took a few seconds to size up his interlocutor, the demon's blue-green eyes glinting mostly with annoyance and resignation, but also with a spark that he could describe as curiosity.

Relaxing his imperturbable expression a little, Goh nodded, thus sealing their future collaboration.

| 4 | Good Luck

''Humans, angels, demons, I imagine a universe where each accepts the other. Where we are brought together as friends. This is my dream, and I'm asking you to be the foundation for it.''

'Talking about an utopia...'

It wasn't like Goh was mad at them for kidnapping him without any warning only to throw him into this whole new and dangerous world, no : he was just internally furious and worried and so, so lost.

He was just a random university student, with common short and messy brown hair and even more common chocolate brown eyes. He wasn't tall, nor was he small, he wasn't particularly fit − just the right healthy shape to make his body work.

He was a nobody amongst nobodies.

Not even thirty minutes ago, he had been in his campus dorm, reading an anthropology book while trying to not suffocate from the late summer heat − nothing that was most normal and banal in his eyes.

But now...

The human let out a soft, tired sigh, a certain weight hunching his shoulders forward as Mammon guided him out of the room.

Even when he was little, Hugo Yatsurugi had never been the type of boy who believed in fairy tales or monsters under the bed. No, he had always been a down-to-earth, very curious child.

The mysteries of the world had fascinated him for a long time now, and it was human beings that had particularly caught his attention.

After all, what a strange creature this abstract life form was. Coming from the hominid family, humans had progressed from primate to the modern individual that they now boast of having reached in approximately seven million years. A lot of work and transformations to proclaim themselves master of the Earth.

Younger, the brunette had always wondered how the human mind developed and how it was really made. It was his curiosity about psychology and anthropological behavior that led him to study history and observe people. This was how he discovered his ''passion''.

Analyze, decode, then try to help if he could.

Neither Goh nor those around him understood why he had fallen for such a hobby. After all, as a kid, he hadn't been the most sociable of the classes he had been through, content to stay away.

But he seemed to always have had a soft spot for human beings in general. Even though the young man knew full well that the world he lived in was doomed to destruction because of human impetuosity and stupidity, he wanted to be able to relieve his specie of the scourge with which it had burdened itself.

As a human himself, Goh had come to believe that nothing and no one could dethrone the superpredator that they were. Obviously, he'd been wrong all along. Angels and demons now had to be added to the balance.

And this reversal of forces changed absolutely everything.

Especially for someone as realist as Goh.

As the human was crossing a paved street, he took advantage of the fact that Mammon was walking a few steps ahead grumbling under his breath, to allow genuine surprise to appear on his face when a bracelet adorned with a pendant representing Capricorn came to life with a will of his own and wanted to follow him, simply held back by the turnstile on which it was attached.

When the brunette was suddenly called − summoned? − to the council room of RAD, he felt immensely scared and confused, thinking he was going crazy.

Now, he just felt concerned, anxious.

And the fact that he only felt like that not even an hour after this whole traumatic experience and discovery destabilised him even more.

Taking his eyes off the rustic decor of the shops and restaurants − taverns? − of the Devildom, Goh let his blunt gaze land on the demon before him and frowned softly as his heart skipped an uneasy beat.

'Why does it feel like a... déjà-vu?'

| 5 | The House of Lamentation

Goh expected that the residence of the seven brothers would be able to accommodate him and them, but he didn't think that the house would actually be a mansion.

Huge, noble and austere, the old building seemed to have two floors, although the human managed to distinguish a third which must served as an attic. Several lights were on, informing the brunette of the presence of someone inside. Probably the two brothers who had not been present during the small welcome assembly.

''That rotten bastard... Does he really think he can scare me into doin' whatever he wants?''

'Ah, so he was complaining all along...'

Mammon suddenly turned around, almost making the young man who was following him trip.

''Just so we're clear... it's not like I can't say no to Lucifer, okay? I only agreed to babysit you because, um... Well you know, because... uh...''

'Because...?'

''Anyway, it doesn't matter! Just don't go thinking that I'm scared of Lucifer or anything! Because I'm not!''

''I know.''

It wasn't the first time the student had faced people like the Avatar of Greed, those who turned a blind eye and said the complete opposite of what they thought to keep face. The best way to ensure that a conversation went well with this type of person was to go their way.

Delighted that their interlocutor was of the same opinion, they would automatically be more at ease.

''... Oh. Okay then, as long as we've got that straight.''

Goh was treated to a discreet glance that he could have missed if he hadn't been so attentive and observant by nature. Just after, Mammon turned around and pulled down the handle of the large double doors.

''... Ugh, whatever. Let's move on.''

An imperceptible smile stretched Goh's lips for the first time since he was in the Devildom. He was happy to have managed to understand part of the behavior of his protector in such a short time.

It could be useful to him later.

Following the demon and leaving the darkness of the night for the light of the residence, astonishment quickly took place on the young man's face as the entrance hall presented itself to him.

Listening absently to Mammon while detailing the place, he learned that the House of Lamentation was actually a dormitory reserved for members of the student council − minus Diavolo, who had his own castle − and that others like it existed all around RAD. From what the human understood, the student council acted as a sort of Congress.

As to whether the power of Diavolo and the brothers extended beyond the academy, the brunette suspected that it was the case, if only with the title of crown prince of Diavolo.

'Which means that these guys are really big shots here...'

''Hey, don't just stand there with you jaw open. Hurry up, or I'm gonna leave ya behind.''

The student noticed with surprise that his inspection of the entrance hall had absorbed him more than he would have expected, Mammon having had time to start taking the corridor which led to the rest of the ground floor.

It's while joining him at a small trot that Goh's chocolate eyes were attracted by a bulletin board where several sheets of part-time job offers were pinned.

''If there's something you wanna ask me, you'd best do it now.''

''What are your hobbies?''

The young man wanted to see if the question would destabilize him. Testing his reactions was a good way to establish the limits that should not be crossed to avoid really annoying him by accident. In addition, it would allow him to better understand the character who would serve as his bodyguard for the coming year.

''Hobbies? Pff, I don't have any... Wait, how about this : I like taking it easy, laughing, and having fun! That's my hobby! Eh, though I guess that's more like a 'lifestyle' than a hobby, huh?''

Maybe it was because of his cooperative reactions, but the human didn't expected the tan-skinned demon to be this easy to talk to.

At first glance, the brunette only saw the snappish character of the Avatar Lord − the fact that his first gesture was to grab him by the collar perhaps had something to do with it −, but when Mammon appeared comfortable in a situation, it seemed easier for him to express his true feelings.

''Anyway, I was actually asking if you had questions about life here at the dorm. I don't get why you wanna talk about me...''

'I don't know when I'll be able to know more about you, or if I'll be able to. I can learn about the Devildom whenever I want.'

''But I'm gonna give you a piece of advice, so listen up.''

The silver-haired stopped moving forward and Goh had all the difficulty in the world to stop to avoid hitting him. His chocolate irises were suddenly anchored in the blue-green eyes of his interlocutor and the serious and harsh look that the demon gave him made him swallow in spite of himself.

Their involuntary proximity already made him insecure, and the fact that Mammon began to tap his chest with his index finger, as one did when one wanted to threaten someone, did not help to calm his growing anxiety.

''If you wanna survive even a day here in the Devildom, you'd better listen real close to what I'm about to say. If it ever looks like a demon is about to attack you... run away.''

Lowering his arm, the Avatar of Greed turned again to resume walking, apparently not noticing the stress he had just put the human through.

''Either that, or die.''

Slightly frowning, the brunette couldn't help but think that this advice was worth gold.

Of course, here, he was just a weak human at the mercy of an entire country filled with seemingly man-eating demons.

No way he would do otherwise.

''How about this? I vote for you to die, Mammon.''

'... Huh?'

| 6 | Leviathan, Avatar of Envy

COMING SOON...

| 7 | The Tale of the Seven Lords

COMING SOON...

__________________ 🕯 __________________

[ashesandhackles]

Yeah, I also struggle to imagine Severus and Remus becoming friends in canon. Remus is extremely passive aggressive and way too loyal to James, while Severus is very open about his disdain for certain people, including Remus and especially James. If I were Severus I would also find it extremely hard to trust Remus given their history. Remus is also the kind of person who’s willing to do anything to fit in and be liked, while Sev is comfortable with his own company. Both make sense given their circumstances. Contrary to popular belief, Sev did NOT hate Remus because he was a werewolf - he hated him because he was and quite frankly remained one of his bullies. Yet at the same time, I love both characters and I’m fascinated by their dynamic. I do think there is a version of reality where under different circumstances, they could have gotten along. Now, I’m wondering, do you think there’s any version of reality where Severus and Sirius could have been friends?

I have answered this somewhere before - but I am going to quote my friend @dragonlordette on this and explain why they are incompatible:

"Snape is unafraid to be himself to the point of being bullied and disliked his whole life, while Lupin is avoidant. These two characteristics don't lend themselves to complementing each other, they just lead to Snape disrespecting Lupin. As an alternative example of a more "complementary" case of opposites attract, Tonks is sociable while Lupin is avoidant. This means she can help him out his shell, but she is not so committed to "staying true to herself" that she would find lupins tendency not to speak up to his friends weak (like snape would). It's a more complementary strength.

I just feel like nearly every trait of Lupin and snape is mutually exclusive, rather than complementary. "

My own take is that, "Remus enjoys being around people who are aspirational - someone whose life he can live vicariously through (James, teen Sirius, Tonks) or someone he can look up to (Dumbledore). Severus is aspirational in a way that won't speak to Remus."

In canon, from the way I read it, Snape is on backfoot by what he considers is Remus' dishonest civility. He cannot effectively argue with Remus when Remus is polite but inwardly hostile/oppositional - see, here: Verbal Fencing Between Snape and Remus , Neither Likes Nor Dislikes Severus

He tries to avoid Remus the best he can, because one, there is genuine fear there from the teenage brush off of the Whomping Willow incident and he is constantly wary and hypervigilant. My reading of Remus is harsher than a lot of the fandom, but I really don't see a scenario of them getting along. (I'm sure other interpretations may make that feasible, but it's not my vision of who these two characters are)

Also, it's clear to me that Remus, while acknowledging that his friend's behaviour with Snape wasn't great, isn't too fond of him himself. (he will try to lighten how James' behaviour looks - see end of POA, OOTP chapter post SWM). He disapproves of Snape as an authority figure - as demonstrated by the Boggart lesson (Snape's jibe about Neville pissed him off - he raises his eyebrows at him, which in Remus language, is "ticked off"), and the fact that while he agrees with Snape that Harry shouldn't be in Hogsmeade, he will not let Harry be in Snape's power to deal with.

Sirius, on the other hand, as hot take it might be - but as my friend @saintsenara pointed out, Snape enjoys baiting him ("how is the cleaning going?"), engaging with him because Sirius is upfront (the entire kitchen scene). Snape knows how to deal with that kind of language, it's batting in a language he knows, whereas with Remus, he is never sure of what he is getting.

Sirius and Snape are narrative mirrors, explicitly in canon. Sirius and Remus are narrative stand-ins for when James is important for Harry's development, while Snape's story becomes more important when Lily is important to Harry's development:

They have much in common:

- people who lost their best friends and the most damaged by it.

- Sirius punishes himself for James' death by staying in Azkaban for 12 years, Snape atones for his own guilt by being a spy.

- Snape and Sirius both live in their childhood homes, and they both act as prison. For Sirius, it is imposed on him, for Snape - it seems to be self inflicted.

- anger issues, to put it lightly.

- intensely loyal, and very very brave. But great capacity for cruelty.

- Snape spent his teenage years running away from his Muggle roots, Sirius spends his teenage years running away from aristocratic pureblood house

As my co-writer and friend @thedreamermusing pointed out: "Also: Snape has father issues; Sirius has Mommy issues. Their lives run parallel more or less- Sirius and Snape both form a formative best friend friendship in their childhood, are both drawn sorted in their houses in an effort to cement their own family complexes (Snape and his mom, Sirius and his family), both base their identities om the basis of belonging to a community (Snape-DEs, Sirius- Marauders), both form their moral complexes by becoming the opposite of their roots (Snape loves the dark arts and blood supremacy, Sirius hates the dark arts and hangs muggle posters), both have a cruel sense of humour (Snape thinking dark magic is just a laugh, Sirius thinking feeding Remus Snape a la Carte being a joke), both of them joining a group to further themselves away from their roots after school, both of them risking their lives to protect their bestfriends, both of them making a terrible mistake by trusting the wrong person that leads to their best friend dying, both of them punishing themselves for the next 12 years to atone, both of them using the memory of their bffs as the one shining light in their miserable lives to keep going on, both of them forced in their childhood homes in the last part of their lives, both of them finally dying for Harry."

Essentially, they have a capacity for understanding each other in a way because there is an intense projection involved in how they interact with each other. I have answered bits of that dynamic here and how their dialogue flows, where they throw words back at each other whereas the one with Remus involves Remus taking the rug from under his feet. So yeah, basically I don't see it with Severus and Remus - but like I pointed out, the way I envision the two characters might not align with others :)

[nekoning]

The importance of Yan Zhengming’s femininity

I don’t intend to try to guess what priest was thinking when writing yzm, but since taoism is a big part of liu yao and yzm is such a powerful cultivator, i thought it’d be fun to do a short analysis of the way femininity is perceived in taoism and how he embodies that

If you read the Tao Te Ching, you’ll notice that it describes comparisons between a lot of  dualities or two sides of the same coin that complement each other, the yin and yang concepts represent those opposite natures that, despite seeming so contradictory and different, exist in balance and can even alternate or superpose each other in nature, among the different things that are considered yin and yang (like dark and light, moon and sun, passive and active, etc.) there is femininity (yin) and masculinity (yang)

In many chapters, Lao Tzu describes Tao as something inherently feminine and maternal, since it’s considered the mother (母) of all things, it’s continuously referred as “woman” or “female”, Lao Tzu creates comparisons between femininity and masculinity, but keeping femininity as the dominant one or as having the main role in the comparison. Lao Tzu prefers and suggests that one should be more feminine, because, at least in the way it was perceived at the time, it is closer to Tao and represents one of the most important concepts in taoism, the concept of wu-wei (inaction or effortless action) better (i’m not going to explain wu-wei so i don’t divert too much from the topic but as someone who’s passionate about it i invite you to look it up!) 

some examples of this in the Tao Te Ching:

“Knowing the manly, but clinging to the womanly,

You become the valley of the world.” (Ch. 28)

“A great country is like the lower outlet of a river.

It is the world's meeting ground, the world's female.

The female always surpasses the male with stillness.

In her stillness she is yielding.” (Ch. 61)

“Can you open and close the gate of Heaven

And act like a woman?” (Ch.10)

(i could go on about how revolutionary it was for femininity and women to have such an important role in taoism in contrast to a male-dominated confucian society but that’s for another time) so, in general, femininity is highly valued in taoism, it represents the origin of life, water and movement, it’s something both active and passive, because it’s tied to wu-wei, as Stefan Stennud explains in his interpretation:

“You should have no wish to rule, or to make use of the powers you have at hand. Then you understand when to do nothing, which is usually the best. To Lao Tzu, this attitude is the female one, and he definitely prefers it – for men as well. Traditionally, men have sought power and were eager to use it in abundance, while women preferred to leave things be, in order to do the least damage. That's the wisdom of doing nothing”

So now that we know femininity’s role in taoism, how does this relate to Yan Zhengming?

because i believe he represents that perception of femininity very well, he’s a man that’s constantly described as feminine, both praised and mocked for it at times, he’s someone that takes great care of his appearance and values things that are commonly associated with femininity, but not only that, i think a lot of fans can agree that he also behaves like a mother to his siblings, not really like a gentle and patient mother, more like the mother that scolds you and calls you ungrateful (but still works hard to protect you and give you a good life…-sob-), Yan Zhengming is powerful but chooses not to use it to dominate or be aggressive against others, his ambitions aren’t centered around becoming even more powerful, but to ensure a peaceful life for him and his family. his kindness acts indirectly and passively, so even though he’s more reserved with his affection towards his family, it’s always present, he doesn’t need to boast about it, it’s simply shown through his actions, he will effortlessly do everything for them because that is his nature

and yet these contrasts still exist within him, he’s both the gong and feminine, he’s strong but doesn’t exert senseless violence, he possesses both qualities associated with femininity and masculinity, but with a predominance of femininity, i think it’s interesting considering how he’s pretty much one of the most powerful cultivators of his world, han muchun could be associated with it since his personality is full of gentleness and nurturing

anyways i couldn’t help noticing this while reading taoist texts, i hope you found it interesting too!

[sort-of-dying]

So I have a theory. A lot of people are mad at Aziraphale for his choice. But I think that most people, especially the people on Tumblr, have a specific way of processing (religious) trauma that is similar to Crowley's. Basically be rebellious and push away from the experience/people that caused you trauma. It's harder for people to understand Aziraphale is because he is too contradictory. Aziraphale is kind, but petty, generous, but a hoarder, idiotic, but intelligent, etc. Crowley is more of an explicit character, the kind and curious dork masquerading as cool and suave. A big flaw between them is that they both process everything with Heaven differently, and they don't communicate about it. I will give them that it's hard to communicate that you are going through the same thing, but differently with someone. But something these ineffable idiots lack is communication skills. It's what makes them idiots, but it is also what makes their love interesting.

Aziraphale also doesn't like change. He doesn't change his clothes, or his way of life, or anything, because he likes how it is. That could tie in to his relationship with Heaven, because he thinks that maybe if everything is perfect then no one can ruin it. He has this naïve belief about Good and Evil, partly due to everything he was taught by Heaven. Aziraphale has not been told what to do. He wants to do Good, but what is Good when Good tries to destroy things? I think he might be a bit bat at insinuated things. For someone who has been a follower since forever, making your own path is hard. But when you make your own little nook in the world, a clear and decisive path of interactions and routine, then it isn't as confusing. Aziraphale and Crowley have their dance, their routine. The way they talk and interact shows that. But when Crowley breaks it in the last 15 minutes of episode 6, Aziraphale doesn't know what to do. Over the years he has carved a space in the rock walls of what was said to be Good, which he wants to impress upon Heaven and make it Good again. But Crowley recognizes the flawed machine and Aziraphale sees the faults as separate. Neither are wrong, and neither are right. They are both entitled to thinking their own thoughts. But once again, they cannot communicate. Aziraphale tries, but cannot say, "I want to make it better, the way the system was made to be so no one is hurt again, and I want to do it with you," and Crowley cannot say "The system is not just flawed, it is broken. Broken beyond repair, so I want to leave while we still can so I can be with you without the influences of a flawed system." But what they say is very different. Aziraphale is being direct as he can, but Crowley isn't listening because of his hurt. His angel is talking about returning to a broken system, which is basically inconceivable to Crowley. And one big thing is that Crowley never explicitly states his thoughts on Heaven. The best he says is "Heaven and Hell are toxic," which is true, but can be interpreted as they can be made better. Aziraphale can't understand all the implications, and so the break from routine is nearly useless.

Both of the ineffable lovelies are right and wrong, doing both the right thing and the wrong thing. But the timing was absolutely terrible, which is not their fault (it is the Metatron's, so go hate that passive aggressive bastard). All I'm doing is attempting to explain Aziraphale's side as a more Aziraphale-coded person so that the angel's side isn't forgotten or discounted.

[inolienkiki]

ok longpost incoming, because I just came across something very psychologically interesting but which will require volumes of backstory to explain. aita vibes if you like that kind of thing, maybe I’ll even post an update later. buckle up

my family

So, my grandma (mom’s side) is emotionally abusive. She’s been like this her whole life, as far as we know. It’s really hard for me to explain how or why in a few sentences, because it’s so vast and widespread that it’s hard to encapsulate. So instead I’ll just list a bunch of stuff she did, in vaguely increasing order of severity

- never asks for anything, but is confident she deserves it anyway. Whenever I’d visit her as a kid, she’d ask if I wanted a drink. If I wasn’t thirsty, she would continue asking multiple times, which left me confused for years- before I realized she wanted me to get *her* one.

- similar to this, she recently let her cat’s nails grow out for probably over a month. She complained continuously about this, and passive-aggressively blamed my mom for not cutting them— *several times*— but she’d never asked.

- when she had a dog, would repeatedly fail to clean up it after it had been in my mom’s yard. Once my mom got chickens, she would repeatedly bother my mom about cleaning up after the chickens (which, by the way, is barely necessary unless it’s really dry out). My mom got her multiple tools and gadgets to make it easier for her to clean up, and would often do the job herself despite disliking dogs (she grew up with 4 massive untrained dogs which is a whole other problem but whatever). Mom tried to be very clear about how Grandma needed to treat *her* yard and yet Grandma never took up these responsibilities.

- this same yard has really complicated xeric landscaping that my parents spent years doing by themselves. She’s made repeated unsolicited criticisms and demands about what she thinks, again, *their yard* should look like. After years of this, my dad decided he would start only listening to her if she made direct requests. He’s not forcing her to say please, he just wants her to *ask*. As a result of this, she started trashing him behind his back to her sister, her friends, her ex-husband, me, etc. Took me years to figure out he’d had it right the whole time.

- is very overweight. Fine, whatever. Feels immensely sorry for herself and clearly believes her weight is a problem, but does nothing about it, which is the actual issue here. When I was like 12, I would “make deals” with her where I’d offer to do stuff (move things out of her house, watch stuff with her, etc.) in exchange for her losing weight. She encouraged this and agreed to the deals but never lost any weight. This led to me having multiple breakdowns and fights with my mom about how they weren’t doing enough to support or help her. Turned out they had offered multiple times to make *all of her meals FOR HER*, AND PAY FOR HER FOOD, and she’d said no. Last I checked, she still orders a tub of cool whip when my parents bring her groceries every week or so.

- Speaking of food, when I was a kid I was very active in this project which involved avoiding a particular and pervasive ingredient that shows up in a lot of food, especially snack food. It’s made by cheap, exploitative labor and is super destructive to the environment. I was so passionate about avoiding it that I gave up stuff like Nutella and Oreos when I was, like, 8. My parents did too in support. My grandma never did, which, fine- but she’d *pretend* to. Like, I would tell her a product was bad, and she’d say “ok I won’t buy it”, and then I would go back the next week and there it would be and she’d gaslight me into believing I’d never said anything. Again, I was 8, so I believed her (especially because she often used memory issues as an excuse).

- very unhealthy relationship with her ex-husband, who is your typical Crabby Guy With a Heart of Gold. From what I’m able to tell- I wasn’t there- she’d (maybe intentionally) provoke him, then spend the whole argument screaming, wailing, playing the victim, pulling my (teenage) mom into it, then refuse to speak to him for days at a time. This happened constantly for years at a time, traumatized my mom, and destroyed her relationship with her dad for actual decades.

- She still pulls my mom into unrelated arguments. This has held me hostage for years now. I want to cut contact, but if I do, she’ll make it my mom’s problem.

In short: traumatized my mom, parentified me, tried repeatedly to destroy multiple relationships in our family, and now lives off my family and her ex-husband’s alimony while complaining constantly and blaming them for helping her.

If you need any other reason to hate her at this point, she’s also a bigot, repeatedly uses the r-word despite me telling her how disrespectful it is (which she pretends not to remember ofc), misgenders several of my friends repeatedly after I’ve corrected her, complains about queer people “making this decision so early”. I can’t come out to her, because I’m scared to, and because she keeps (for lack of a better word) *shipping* me with a close male friend of mine- who’s also 6 years my senior. We’ve known each other since I was 13 so obviously he has no interest in me, and Oh Also I’m Aroace.

the situation

Right now my parents are out of town for my mom’s birthday. While they were gone, they asked my mom’s close friend Katie to watch the cat. Turns out there were some things we didn’t know about Katie. This weekend she started screaming at her daughter for unclear reasons, got drunk, drove to my parents’ house and hid there. She was there for 1 or 2 days- (this is all secondhand information)- drunk essentially the whole time and not caring for the cat. Her husband tried to get her out of the house, but she wouldn’t go. He came back later with the police, who did absolutely nothing of course- they didn’t even notify my parents, nor did they inform my grandma, who lives on the property and was watching the whole time. Eventually he and my parents agreed that she had to leave, so they made sure she did (again idk how). Katie’s husband told us this was not the first time something like this had happened, he’s looking at divorce proceedings, and her kids were reportedly distressed to hear she was coming home.

This was hard on my parents, because (a) they had to get their neighbor to watch the cat on short notice, except she’s busy with work and her own divorce, so she’s going to have to bring him to a cattery on Thursday, which my parents were overall not prepared for, and (b) what the hell, Katie.

(You may be wondering why my grandma was not available to take care of the cat. This is, of course, because climbing the 2 readily accessible front steps is too hard for her to bother. She needs a man to help her. Yes, she refuses to climb the stairs unless my dad is there.)

So, tonight I was on my weekly obligatory phone call with my grandma- again, can’t cut contact- and we were talking about this whole situation. Then she said something very interesting. Something to the effect of: “you see how this kind of stuff can happen to women?”

To which my response was, “…huh?” And I reminded her that Katie had been harassing her daughter and clearly had done this to her family before. I’m not very close friends with her daughter and son, but based on everything I’ve heard, they don’t get along with her real well. Now I know why. They’ve clearly been keeping this secret for years.

But my grandma was comparing this situation to her marriage, which she’d never told any of her friends was having problems. She saw herself in Katie, who had recently retired, and who was “having problems with her kids” (at least as my grandma saw it… her daughter is hyper-independent and her son is trans and chronically ill… and they’ve been in this situation for years… yeah, not their problem.)

And it was then that I realized my grandma views herself as a victim of abuse- but she thinks being drunk, irresponsible, and volatile… *is* abuse. She thinks Katie’s husband coming to find her, managing this situation for years, and now starting divorce proceedings, *is* abuse. And I think this finally solidified it for me that my grandma accepts no responsibility.

[calistrae]

Not a request, but of your favorite players, what type of person do you think they’d genuinely be like in a relationship? ik some of us like to fantasize that a player is like this but reality is always diff so i’m just curious to know your thoughts 🥺 and your answers for each can be brief too!

tysm for asking!🫶🏻

and yess, i think we shouldn't really put them on a pedestal because after all, they're just humans like all of us tbh. so this "everything is cute and adorable and they'd never do anything wrong" is bs.

one of the main reasons i wrote jude the way i did in "the silent treatment" is because i genuinely think that's how it'd be. you can't expect a player to be super sweet, cuddly, lovey dovey after a bad game💀 (partly speaking from experience) so here are some realistic thoughts:

(this will be with jude, neymar jr and trent aa because i think right now these 3 are my favorites)

i think a relationship with jude would be really fun. he really gives me that playful boyfriend vibe and things would never really be taken too seriously. but let's remember: he's 19 and as a fellow 19 year old, you're not really mature. if he has a bad day, he might either struggle with keeping his composure or he could be the most passive, coldest person alive. overall, a relationship with jude would be pretty chill and honestly a lot like a friendship (that "best friends to lovers" kind of a vibe) but yeah, he's not perfect like tumblr claims but overall a fun, light-hearted relationship.

as for trent, i get this super chill vibe from him. like he seems so calm and confident in himself that i don't think he'd really be the jealous type. he seems like the type that really goes all out with gifts and all that but i also have a weird feeling he'd get really proud and cocky when he gets mad? hard to explain but i think even though he's super humble, it'd all come crashing down when he's emotional. also definitely more on the quiet but sweet side! i can see this relationship being super private.

when it comes to neymar...💀 think he'd genuinely be the warmest and nicest person with his significant other but at the same time you can defo see his temperament in videos of him and i have a bad feeling he gets proper aggressive at times.

[padfootastic]

hey, so i've seen you lean into the cold arrogant black heir version of sirius lately, and i agree to an extent, because he was pretty intimidating and arrogant and didn't really care much about the public other than his people, but that doesn't really mean that he's this stoic, serious guy either right? he's pretty funny, definitely a troublemaker, and way too charming to stay in trouble for long. but at the same time, people know he's dangerous and should not be messed with because under all the charm, there absolutely was an element of 'fuck with me and i'll kill you'. and i know this sounds super contradictory but that's the whole point about sirius' character. he's a walking talking contradiction. he's so beautifully complex that turning him into this heir version is contradicting his entire character. what do you think? i would love to see you elaborate on this.

also, what do you think his humour is like? i've always thought of it as super sarcastic and dry. he def has a dark sense of humour, and he's so so sharp witted. anyway sorry if my ask was too long, i can talk for hours and hours about sirius.

no!!! anon no ask is too long when it’s about sirius. i can do the same (i have, in fact, done the same) it’s so valid.

i don’t think it’s such a contradiction at all, actually! i personally see sirius as this: a guy with a lot of masks, partially bc it’s been trained into him & partially bc he’s had to be. and i think he defaults to this cold, arrogant one because it’s the one he’s had longest—but around the right people, it fully melts away. the marauders and lily, yes but especially james and harry. that’s why i keep mentioning the outsider pov of it, people getting shocked when they see the difference in his behaviour. it’s why i wrote the patronus fic lolol.

i actually think that he had a lot…issues with the ‘heir’ version of himself (and yes, that’s a fanon concept i’ve absorbed entirely bc i love) because of what it represents and he tries hard to break away from it at all times. he probably went through an entire phase of teenage rebellion where he was doing everything against his family’s teachings bc it felt good. but, i love it when people can’t run away from their nature as much as they want to, so i always end up giving him some traits that basically make him hate himself looking into the mirror lmao

as for his humor, oh for sure!! this one’s definitely canon—he has a dry, sarcastic humor. (funnily, this is where i see a lot of similarities b/w him and harry for some reason) i think it can tend towards self deprecating sometimes. he’s also—hm. u can see his class in his words, and i think that might be true of his humor as well tho idk how to explain that better lol i think he’s the kind of person who’s so good at passive aggressiveness that you’ll never realise he insulted u to ur face (we have a phrase for it here—kaat ke haath mein dedi; i think sirius would be ace at that). and going off that, i do think his humor was also based on…belittling? other people. or rather, at the expense of other people in that way popular kids do sometimes. like him w the rat in swm, i think. casually cruel. a little mean.

[sburbian-sage]

My session has five players. I'm a Heir of Heart, and we also have a Thief of Heart, Sylph of Time, Rogue of Space, and Witch of Breath.

I've never rolled Heart before, so I was hoping the Thief could kind of teach me. He was actually pretty excited about it, talking about how he was always a mentor to his little siblings before the game started, and how he'd wanted to be a teacher when he grew up, stuff like that, and so was super on board with helping me out.

Big mistake on my part I guess.

First of all, he keeps messing with out coplayer's shinies. He says that's normal, because he's a Thief, so that's what he's supposed to do, and that it's all for their own benefit anyway, so it's not that bad.

But the first think he did was make them not care that he was fucking with their shinies. So, I feel like, that's a breach of ethics, right? But he says it's necessary, or we'd all spend the rest of the session arguing about it.

And the rest of it, from what I've seen, really has looked normal. I mean, when I look at their shinies, he really does seem to be mostly changing things that make sense. Making the Space player like frogs more, making everyone get along better, and so on. There's some changes I have trouble parsing, but when he explains them, they make sense. Maybe I'm just not good enough at all this yet to understand by just looking.

And he says he hasn't messed with mine. He says that I'd be able to tell if he had, and undo it easily, so there'd be no point.

(The Heart guides I've read seem very split on this. Some say Heart makes it easier to be mind controlled, some say it makes your mind so ironclad you can do drugs and not even feel them, some say that it helps against mind control but not that much. I dunno what sources are credible.)

And then he pats my head, and says stuff like "and why would I need to change a student as perfect as you?"

...And yes, I am a good student. I am very good. I am very smart. I study things and ask smart questions and learn all about how to do anything I need to people's shinies.

But I remember I didn't do very well in school. I remember all the stories I used to try and write but only ever half-finished. I remember my parents buying me a lot of books, and always feeling like it was passive aggressive.

If I was always so studious, so focused, doesn't that conflict with that stuff?

Here's the rub though: I have a family history of schizophrenia.

When I force myself to calm down, I can rationalize that stuff away. I didn't do well in school, but Sburb is easier to take seriously. Same for the half-finished art projects, maybe I only slacked on them because the weren't important. The books felt passive aggressive because I read so *much*- I do remember reading a lot-, not so *little*, and I've just forgotten what happens in a lot of the books because they weren't very good or something.

I can't tell if I'm having a mental problem and paranoia is getting the better of me. Or if he's already changed so much of my memories and thought processes that it's a miracle I'm able to send this message at all.

(Can Heart players even manipulate memories, to make you forget they did anything to you? He says yes, but that it's hard, and that such a thing seems over the line to him anyway. Some guides agree, some guides say it's actually easy, some guides claim it's only a Mind thing.)

Dawg what the fuck.

Thieves are assholes but they're supposed to be assholes towards the enemy. This is like a Knight saying "well my class is combat-oriented so I'm actually in the right to murder my coplayers whenever I want to".

Messing with the Shiny for the purposes of getting shit done is okay, but only with the consent of the dude getting tweaked. The fact that he has to modify them to not care means that this situation is in fact Not That.

I would lean on the side of "Heart players seem very self-aware given how much they interact with and have to be aware of Their Own Soul", so they're probably resistant to mind control. Messing with the Shiny is a bit more than mind control though, but I'm willing to bet that you'd be resistant not only because you're a Heart player, but an Heir of Heart specifically. You are being more or less guarded by your own Aspect, so if anything you wouldn't even need to be aware of any mind control for you to shake it off.

I don't know if you're being mind controlled, by the way. All that stuff about "I lack focus and did poorly in school but I'm good at SBURB" is fairly common. There's like a whole thing about "Skaian Prodigies" and the fact that most of our existences are inextricably tied to SBURB (Ectobiology).

I can say with utmost confidence though that you are 100% being groomed my guy.

If you can, try and reverse whatever Shiny-tweaking he's done to the other players, so you can get their honest opinion on what they think of being messed with in such a manner. I would also advise that you "show the teacher how far the student has come" and tweak his Shiny so he isn't so callous and creepy and weird. You're an Heir, so you should have the advantage over him in terms of "your mythological role is just being good at the thing you're supposed to be doing". There's several layers of unacceptable behavior going on here such that I want to take a shower after having read this.

[will80sbyers]

isn't it better to hyperfixating bc like... the strike will go on for months, its not even clear when they will start filming. like idk but it is very hard for me to engage in the fandom or read theories bc i feel like the majority of them kinda is starting to feel like they're coming from hard reaches bc of lack of content that ppl are currently suffering from (no offense, i am not saying this to shade anyone i am just saying ppl just tend to hyper analize bc there is not much to do). i sometimes envy ppl who keep the hyperfixation going bc they are interested in following fandom content still or engage with it. but at some point it just doesnt interest me anymore, i rarely see a take that makes me go 'hmm thats interesting' in a legit way fr

I think it's good if you agree with the majority of the theories going around the tag but I personally don't, so I either make my own stuff (but I have no energy because of work lately) or I just am constantly "lacking" new content even without the strike because even before most of the time I disagree but I don't want to cause problems in the tag, I want to be respectful and have a nice time with everybody here even if we disagree on some things about the show so I'm not commenting or reblogging adding my point of view... I used to do that more often in the first months but it just caused people to be upset and start being passive aggressive even if I just was hoping to have a conversation and I don't have the energy to clarify that all the time and I also don't want to upset anybody

Plus now I've moved to Ireland and started working and living with roommates that brought a lot of drama in the house with people fighting and having affairs kind of so I'm pretty burned out by everything right now... so I kind of hate still being fixated with stranger things in the back of my mind because I can't give that the proper time that I would need to be happy about it because I have responsibility in my real life that must come before 🥲🥲🥲🥲

I'm happy in a way because I wanted to be more active and actually do stuff out of the house but at the same time I'm always thinking about Will and byler in the back of my mind and I don't have time to rewatch or really feel the emotions (?)

Idk how to explain but I still have the urge to do that and be on Tumblr etc... So I'm both happy and stressed and that's why I would kinda want to not be fixated so much on it... Oh and I also don't have anybody in my life that likes the show as much as me except you lovely people here so I just dump my thoughts here in the tag when I have a bit of time 🤧

[loserchildhotpants]

October is a minefield of triggers for me, so I generally float through it, derealized and violently numb, with random lightning strikes of paralyzing anxiety, and that's just... normal. For me. I don't expect anything less.

I didn't hear from any of my family on my anniversary. It was a big one - Nathan and I have been married for a decade now. I was strong-armed into a wedding, I didn't want one, I wasn't comfortable performing socially like that at 19 for people I barely spoke to, that barely knew me, but my mother steamrolled past me like she always does, and I hate memories of my wedding.

I hope to have a re-do sometime, if/when there's ever expendable income again.

Anyway, I wasn't even taking it that hard. My sister sent a gift a few days beforehand, my MIL called the day of, and that was the extent of what I heard from relatives/loved ones.

Then my Aunt texts me a few days after the anniversary w lots of photos of my cousin proposing to his gf and the blow out engagement party they're throwing right now - pictures of the dessert table with homemade, personalized goodies, and balloons, and all sorts of feel-good, celebratory stuff.

It's a group chat, so it's actually my sister that mentions to my Aunt that my 10 wedding anniversary just passed - I could feel my sister's frustration. I was belatedly congratulated, and then the acknowledgment of my impending birthday was brought up, and I explained I'll be turning 30 - this also came as a shock, and that Nathan and I just bought our first home 2 months ago also comes as a shock.

Whatever. My Aunt couldn't have known that any of that would be hurtful, and it's not her fault that my parents are just absent and deeply ambivalent about me.

The next day, I wake up to texts from both my parents (neither of which speak to me at all, really, so it's always jarring to see a notification from one or the other, nevermind both at the same time), and my mother is telling me to call her, and my father is demanding to know about my moving, demanding my new address.

With my father, I could tell he was embarrassed, and so probably angry. I brought up the fact that he'd spoken to me two or three times in the months before I moved, wherein I told him about the home buying process, and around what time we'd be moving -- we were in contact because he needed me to sign stuff for his last will and testament.

He knew I was moving, he knew I was buying my first home, he just didn't care enough to remember, and then is angry with me that his sister is like 'why didn't you mention Melanie bought a house??' and got caught not giving a shit. I sent him my new address, and he deigned to finally passive aggressively reply to me with a 'thanks for the update' the following day.

As for my mother, she was calling to ask how old I was turning. She flew right past my missed anniversary - again, which was HER making - and I wouldn't be mad, I really wouldn't, if it had been MY wedding. It wasn't, though - it was HER fun party, and it's pretty fucking insulting to have even her forget about it. She has a lukewarm reaction of surprise to my being married a decade, gives a half-assed 'congrats' and then asks about my birthday.

As is typical for her, she has nothing kind to say about me, nothing about being proud or interested in my plans or anything, just wants to know if she can send money for a dinner and spent 10 minutes complaining about how this makes her so old.

When she asked how she was supposed to remember my wedding anniversary, I brought up that she was the one that planned it and set the date ? That didn't evoke anything, and when I told her the date, thinking she'd put it in her calendar or something, she was like, 'oh, that's the same day as [my renter's] birthday! It'll be easy to remember now!'

And I almost just... hung up. Astonishing to me, truly, that that's where I'm at on her scale of significance.

To be honest, I don't want attention from my parents on my birthday. In fact, I really wish they'd be consistent for fucking ONCE in my life and just fuck off for all of October the way they do for every other month of my life.

They don't talk to me, they don't provide anything, they're critical, judgmental, and mean, and I limit my contact with them so that I don't drive myself to further illness.

I just wish they'd stay away. I prefer the silence. They don't care and I know they don't, and I don't have to see and hear about how much they don't care, until it's October, arguably the hardest time of year for me, and then they have to find ways to jumpscare me and complain about how my existence is somehow inconvenient for them.

Like, I know. You've let me know my entire life how inconvenient I am for you. That's why we don't talk. Can you fuck off again now? Why are you here??

It feels like being bombarded with extended family information and then immediate family interactions shoved me from 'gently dissociative,' to 'violently derealized,' and I've never been able to pull myself out of derealization.

So nothing is real, and nothing matters, and neither do I, and I'm turning 30 on Monday, but that's not real, and talking is so much effort -- making words is so much effort, and they don't matter, the noise isn't even real, I'm just shoving air into difficult shapes when I could be sitting in silence and decomposing much more peacefully.

There isn't a point to this, really. I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel things, but like, several degrees away from myself.

I really want to be happy, and to feel happy, not just to objectively understand I'm experiencing happiness, but to feel it. And that's... I dunno. A mountain on the horizon that gets smaller in the distance the more I hike towards it.

It's really difficult to see my Aunt being a Mom for her kids, being present and happy for them, doing stuff that makes them happy, being involved -- it's hard to watch anyone else experience maternal and/or paternal warmth and pride that I'm constantly denied.

It's really hard to have both my living parents effectively orphan me because I am at once too much and too little.

I lie awake at night going 'what's so wrong with me? What'd I do wrong?' -- I'm turning 30, and I'm still up at night, going 'why doesn't my dad like me? Why does my mom make me feel badly about myself on purpose? How can I change to make them proud? To make them love me?'

And the answer is that I can't do anything, they won't change, nothing I ever do is going to be good enough, they're both self-obsessed, emotionally immature people with varying degrees of personality disorders they refuse to acknowledge, much less work on, and academically understanding that does not, in fact, silence the lonely, crying child inside me.