#im really fuckin tired

[loserchildhotpants]

October is a minefield of triggers for me, so I generally float through it, derealized and violently numb, with random lightning strikes of paralyzing anxiety, and that's just... normal. For me. I don't expect anything less.

I didn't hear from any of my family on my anniversary. It was a big one - Nathan and I have been married for a decade now. I was strong-armed into a wedding, I didn't want one, I wasn't comfortable performing socially like that at 19 for people I barely spoke to, that barely knew me, but my mother steamrolled past me like she always does, and I hate memories of my wedding.

I hope to have a re-do sometime, if/when there's ever expendable income again.

Anyway, I wasn't even taking it that hard. My sister sent a gift a few days beforehand, my MIL called the day of, and that was the extent of what I heard from relatives/loved ones.

Then my Aunt texts me a few days after the anniversary w lots of photos of my cousin proposing to his gf and the blow out engagement party they're throwing right now - pictures of the dessert table with homemade, personalized goodies, and balloons, and all sorts of feel-good, celebratory stuff.

It's a group chat, so it's actually my sister that mentions to my Aunt that my 10 wedding anniversary just passed - I could feel my sister's frustration. I was belatedly congratulated, and then the acknowledgment of my impending birthday was brought up, and I explained I'll be turning 30 - this also came as a shock, and that Nathan and I just bought our first home 2 months ago also comes as a shock.

Whatever. My Aunt couldn't have known that any of that would be hurtful, and it's not her fault that my parents are just absent and deeply ambivalent about me.

The next day, I wake up to texts from both my parents (neither of which speak to me at all, really, so it's always jarring to see a notification from one or the other, nevermind both at the same time), and my mother is telling me to call her, and my father is demanding to know about my moving, demanding my new address.

With my father, I could tell he was embarrassed, and so probably angry. I brought up the fact that he'd spoken to me two or three times in the months before I moved, wherein I told him about the home buying process, and around what time we'd be moving -- we were in contact because he needed me to sign stuff for his last will and testament.

He knew I was moving, he knew I was buying my first home, he just didn't care enough to remember, and then is angry with me that his sister is like 'why didn't you mention Melanie bought a house??' and got caught not giving a shit. I sent him my new address, and he deigned to finally passive aggressively reply to me with a 'thanks for the update' the following day.

As for my mother, she was calling to ask how old I was turning. She flew right past my missed anniversary - again, which was HER making - and I wouldn't be mad, I really wouldn't, if it had been MY wedding. It wasn't, though - it was HER fun party, and it's pretty fucking insulting to have even her forget about it. She has a lukewarm reaction of surprise to my being married a decade, gives a half-assed 'congrats' and then asks about my birthday.

As is typical for her, she has nothing kind to say about me, nothing about being proud or interested in my plans or anything, just wants to know if she can send money for a dinner and spent 10 minutes complaining about how this makes her so old.

When she asked how she was supposed to remember my wedding anniversary, I brought up that she was the one that planned it and set the date ? That didn't evoke anything, and when I told her the date, thinking she'd put it in her calendar or something, she was like, 'oh, that's the same day as [my renter's] birthday! It'll be easy to remember now!'

And I almost just... hung up. Astonishing to me, truly, that that's where I'm at on her scale of significance.

To be honest, I don't want attention from my parents on my birthday. In fact, I really wish they'd be consistent for fucking ONCE in my life and just fuck off for all of October the way they do for every other month of my life.

They don't talk to me, they don't provide anything, they're critical, judgmental, and mean, and I limit my contact with them so that I don't drive myself to further illness.

I just wish they'd stay away. I prefer the silence. They don't care and I know they don't, and I don't have to see and hear about how much they don't care, until it's October, arguably the hardest time of year for me, and then they have to find ways to jumpscare me and complain about how my existence is somehow inconvenient for them.

Like, I know. You've let me know my entire life how inconvenient I am for you. That's why we don't talk. Can you fuck off again now? Why are you here??

It feels like being bombarded with extended family information and then immediate family interactions shoved me from 'gently dissociative,' to 'violently derealized,' and I've never been able to pull myself out of derealization.

So nothing is real, and nothing matters, and neither do I, and I'm turning 30 on Monday, but that's not real, and talking is so much effort -- making words is so much effort, and they don't matter, the noise isn't even real, I'm just shoving air into difficult shapes when I could be sitting in silence and decomposing much more peacefully.

There isn't a point to this, really. I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel things, but like, several degrees away from myself.

I really want to be happy, and to feel happy, not just to objectively understand I'm experiencing happiness, but to feel it. And that's... I dunno. A mountain on the horizon that gets smaller in the distance the more I hike towards it.

It's really difficult to see my Aunt being a Mom for her kids, being present and happy for them, doing stuff that makes them happy, being involved -- it's hard to watch anyone else experience maternal and/or paternal warmth and pride that I'm constantly denied.

It's really hard to have both my living parents effectively orphan me because I am at once too much and too little.

I lie awake at night going 'what's so wrong with me? What'd I do wrong?' -- I'm turning 30, and I'm still up at night, going 'why doesn't my dad like me? Why does my mom make me feel badly about myself on purpose? How can I change to make them proud? To make them love me?'

And the answer is that I can't do anything, they won't change, nothing I ever do is going to be good enough, they're both self-obsessed, emotionally immature people with varying degrees of personality disorders they refuse to acknowledge, much less work on, and academically understanding that does not, in fact, silence the lonely, crying child inside me.

[wow-sofa-art]

Happy pride month.

(reference under read more)

[seraphsfire]

any other spoonies or people with fibro/chronic fatigue/myalgic encephalomyletis/adhd/etc start just *trying* to think of the steps to a complex mental task have an immediate brain shutdown and get sleepy/fatigued/feel drugg/ed and physically exhausted immediately after doing so bc i feel like im going crazy and googling/duckduckgo-ing yeilded only like, mayo clinic articles defining chronic fatigue so. lol

[just-null]

i am OBSESSED with that one yandere hantengu clone art! but i do wonder, did you change their appearance a bit to make them look alike but at the same time not? this is hard to explain, but i observed the clones nose shape, sekidos hair being more different than the others, and facial structures making them each being different. very sorry if this doesn’t make sense it’s hard explaining what i noticed (T ^ T)

I think I understand what you mean, don't worry! you did wonderfully!

and basically, yes and no!

Some things were probably accidental (like facial structure), but the purposeful tweaks were their eyes and hair yeah!

I wanted the viewer to be able to tell the difference between them without being explicitly told who's who.

[design yapping under the cut]

I've heard that depending on what expression you're making often, it changes how you rest your face, and I wanted that to translate into how i drew them!

that and if you look REALLY closely, there are some subtle differences between them all in the anime/manga, so i accentuated those and added my own spin to it too.

So, if i were to draw the four making a neutral expression, it'd look something like this!

And that would HOPEFULLY be enough to give you an idea about who's who while also keeping their faces EXTREMELY similar yet a little different at the same time

but knowing me....... i'd probably still make it super obvious.......

I changed their nose because Hantengu had a sharp nose, and I thought it'd be hot cool to see them with one! I have no excuse for the eye bags and dimples.. they look like they have the type of hot guy aura to have those traits............... orz

i try not to forget small details but i probably do sometimes making them look different //slams head against wall

[lovelyrotter]

ill probably delete this in a minute but ive just been fuckin boggled by what ive seen across tumblr in the last few days in particular. its why i havent really been around. like holy fucking shit, its really like some of yall just dont want a chunk of the trans community to exist. like some of yall are thisclose to saying it verbatum. way too many already have. 'shut up sit down be quiet and smile for us' type shit, gee where have i heard that before. oh yeah my entire life cause i was forcefully gendered as someones daughter. shock horror i know. you might be surprised to remember and/or learn that very few trans folks know theyre trans before we're 5, or even 10, and that that gendered experience stays with all of us in both/either small or large ways. either bc we literally dont have a solid identity yet (bc we're very small children), dont have the words, we're repressing it out of fear from how others will treat us, we're actually enjoying or enjoyed being another gender in our childhood, or we just genuinely didnt fuckin know until shit lined up later in life. weird isnt it that transmascs dont pop out as 6'1 brick shithouse cis men when we're born so yall know for certain that we're confused lost girls/women oops i mean big dangerous scary men. its almost like we're transgender too. none of yall actually know what intersectionality is or means

[not-shandi]

TikTok at its finest 🍷

[deoidesign]

Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!

I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...

[shadeofazmeinya]

Kinda want to also go by he/him but not like he/him as in describing a human man, like he/him when describing a squirrel you saw running across the sidewalk with a whole flour tortilla in his mouth and you can’t help but say “congrats man on the haul” to the squirrel that had clearly rummaged through the trash cans on the street to get his prize

[spotsupstuff]

BIG damn post, but as i've said!! i (FUCKIN FINALLY) did end up fleshing out the rest of the important Iterators of the Children of EO group a little that map is a forever wip, fuck it all, i'll be just postin updated versions of it from time to time or smth

[xxplastic-cubexx]

I unironically ship Lilandra and Charles. I'm a multishipper and ofc I like cherik more but I love the banter she had with Charles in '97 👀👀 him being a pet to his alien bird fiancee?? Oooh kinky. We all know that if cherik does some petplay Erik is the puppy (this is a softcore take on those kinks)

my lawyers told me im legally not allowed to discuss petplay at length however there is in fact an 'attack dog boyfriend' joke somewhere here that im dying to make

[1nt3rnalpu7ref4ct10n]

FUCKING GOD LOGAN IS SO FUCKIN DENSE, Metaphorically and literally

IN THE GODDAMN PROTEUS EPSIODES OF TAS HES SO GODDAMN SNARKY N MOUTHY AND D E N S E

STUBBORN AS HELL DEFENSIVE AS SHIT, EVEN WHEN HANK WAS DEFENDIN HIM AGAINST ROGUE ITS LIKE THE CAGE FIGHT SCENE IN THE FIRST XMEN MOVIE WHEN THE GUY SAYS "He'll just take it personally" CAUSE THATS ALMOST ALL HE'S DONE SO FAR GOOD FUCKIN GODS ABOVE IM TIRED OF THIS EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE WEASEL (i still love him so goddamn much and want to be him and project onto him)

[jade-of-mourning]

"what a shitbagning brotherband" - erak starfucker 645 C.E.

and i was like oh yeah, i've gotta focus on my schoolwork, i'm not gonna procrastinate anymore, and i put this dumb shit off for all of two(?) mildly miserable days and oh fuck i have a test tomorrow. im coping shut up

i based this off of this lovely fabulous insanely Tasty art from this super cool brotherband instagram-er that i stumbled upon so the words are mixed from flonkerton and the op. all credit to op i literally had that tab open staring at it trying to suck their artistic talent into my soul.

i did a lydia atlatl doodle to make up for this i miss her

don't question what ulf and wulf are doing in the background i geniunely don't know and i cant'd raw people interacting???? why are they the only part of this drawing i actually despise but was too lazy to redraw <;/3

sorry bout the incredibly low quality here's full res

oh also here's the atlatl lydia doodle i might clean it up and post it later idk

i've become such a tumblr artist courtesy of these mad brainrots that i don't think i can draw anything properly ever again uh

also sorry to those rotting in my inbox i love you guys and it's on the way i swear after i finish this test and that lit book and that other test and ah fuck seven assignments and textbook chapter and uh </3

[fooltofancy]

gonna. surprise go look at an apartment today lmao might panic and or cry

[snazum]

Little ster edit I made… Cause there needs to be more in the world :>

special thanks to like the 5-10 people on this website who upload ster clips. This is dedicated to y’all <3

Audio: noir.audioss on tiktok

Song: Like Me - Chase Icon

[vilelittlecritter]

Ha ha I don't know what I want to do with my life and I feel unsatisfied with my current condition!

[thingsmysplattershotjrtoldme]

Splatoon Twitter and Nintendo NA YouTube - *releases new songs from OTH for Splatfest*

Me - OH hell yeah! These bop!

Twitter comments on Color Pulse '24 -