#this happens a few times a year btw
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i am a shaniac, ghosts arent real
but as im sitting here, looking out the window. i just had the realization that i am currently living the premonition that i had 3 years ago.
i am looking out my window with new eyes, realizing i saw this view far before i moved into this apartment, or stepped foot into this building. holy shit.
ive had a few "glimpses" recently. I wonder if they will happen.
#this happens a few times a year btw#usually the preminition is just an image and a feeling#and the actual event is between 2-5 years away#i am 100% aware that this could be my mind playing tricks on me. the mind is basically fat water and salt with a tiny bit of electricity#obviously my sense of memory and emotions can be messed with EASILY#but its comforting to think my mind is guiding me through a path that is good safe and happy#beth likes to talk
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Hen Begins timeline
"Ah, since the meltdown in '08, everybody's been cutting back.", says one of Hen's co-workers (2.09)
"Gina dragged me to that vampire movie." (2.09): New Moon was released on November 20, 2009 and remained in theaters until at least the end of March. Eclipse came out on June 30, 2010 and lasted on theaters until at least mid October.
"Senate votes 63 to 31 to repeal 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.'" (6.06): Hen and Karen celebrate the repeal (December 2010) when they're already living together.
"I'm a Black lesbian that joined the fire department at 30" (4.03); "Last time I saw Clive was 1978 [...] I couldn't walk out on the father of my child." (5.09) -> Hen was born in 1978 or 1979, so it's likely she'd be 30 in 2009.
"After 13 years in the same firehouse, why would I know - what supplies we need?" (5.03)
“When I first entered this department, Captain Gerrard didn't even see me as a firefighter. And now, 12 years later," (6.01) -> this is a quote that doesn't quite fit, because it would put Hen starting out in '11, but it's not far off.
Circumstantial 'evidence': It's raining on every call and every time we can see the outside from the firehouse (and they make a point to note how 'rare' it is "it's nice in the sunroom when it's raining. Which is, like, once a decade now."). They don't imply or mention a 'significant' passage of time; we only see Hen meet up with Athena and her friends once ("Three of us we get together once a month, swap war stories."), no montages or timestamps or mention of holidays, and on the contrary, many scenes are connected in time:
Hen arrives during the day, there's a 'raining outside' transition shot, then they all arrive at the station after a call:
Next they're eating, a fade to black, and another transition (still raining, as we can see thanks to the window and the transition shot) this time to night and into the next 9-1-1 callers:
We follow the mudslide call, fade to black, another 'raining in LA' transition shot, and come back to Hen and Chim doing the dishes:
Next up, another transition shot showing a lightening sky with, you guessed it, more rain. From there we get Gerrard berating Hen (gif edited for length; also notice it's still raining!) followed by the 118 leaving on another call, without her. Jump to her dinner with Athena and friends:
The end of that dinner segues into Hen's speech, and then straight to the next call (limo accident). The end of that call fades to black. Lastly we get Hen arriving at the station the next day ('Yo, Wilson. Nice work yesterday') to find Gerrard gone:
After her talk with the Commander and then with Chim, they get called to another accident (and, poetically, it has stopped raining).
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So we have a period of time from end of November 2009 to December 2010. In that time, Hen worked under Gerrard, and later made friends with Chim, and 'met-dated-moved in' with Karen. Which part of that lasted longer?
Next we have this:
"They're trying to recruit women now, you know?" + "8 women were recruited, and 3 of them make it through the academy" + "the mayor wants to say that female recruitment is up" "Since you've started working here, we've received numerous complaints. [...] It's not just complaints we're receiving. Your colleagues all have some pretty complimentary things to say about you. You've made quite an impression. [...] Why would we do that [fire Hen]? You're the future of the LAFD."
What makes sense to me, is that since the LAFD was making efforts to increase diversity they probably acted fast to oust Gerrard when the 118 started making noise, to avoid the possible bad publicity.
See what happened with Buck's lawsuit:
Bobby: You're gonna get a call tomorrow from the Chief; You're being reinstated to active duty. The brass didn't want the headache, they're afraid of the bad press. [3.05]
So, I would say Hen worked under Gerrard for a few shifts.
Thoughts? corrections?
I know that 911's timeline is hmm dot-on-Jeremy-Bearimy-coded, but this one actually made sense to me.
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9-1-1 Episode Transcripts
#911#911 on abc#Tv: 911#long post#Btw this isn't meant to dismiss or diminish Hen's experience in any way; on the contrary#my intention is to highlight how what each of these characters did contributed to gradually change the 118#Eli made it easier for Chim to stay on and stay himself; Chim reached out to Tommy#(who after being saved by Chim unfrosted a bit) and to Hen.#Hen stood her ground openly against the toxic culture at the 118.#And so by the time Hen arrived and did that “more than a few” of her colleagues were open to listening to her and willing to act.#Then Bobby and Buck continued making the 118 a better place#Bobby gets a lot of credit for what he did (and that's nice!) but the change started years earlier#and that how it often happens isn't it?
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iwaizumi hajime the type to run to the store for you at some outrageous time like 2am—
—in nothing but his sweatpants, sleep shirt hastily thrown on. it’s thinned out from each wash and is way too faded to be worn out; there’s a hole or two somewhere on the sides. and his hair’s all messed up, sticking out every which way with a bit of sleep still in his eyes.
he’s yawning through the aisles, slides smacking against the store floor as he looks for what you need. self check-out is mechanical at this point, movements memorised.
when he comes back home—to bed, you’re sat up against the headrest, waiting. he drops the paper bag beside you and climbs under the covers, slinging an arm around you as he whispers in your ear, lazy and sleep-laden while his eyes fall shut, “need anything else?”
#iwa hours early today but let me tell u.#i need HIM.#nEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW#i shouldnt think abt his voice sounding sexy but it is it is it issssssssssssss#iwaizumi x reader#hes so sleepy he doesnt care aksnskjx#wolf clawing his chest photo#he also does everything without complaint btw like he hates being woken up in the middle night#and for sure the first few times this happened he was grumpy af but#he’s gotten used to it and softened through the years and he doesnt mind it anymore now#he comes back to bed and hes clingy bc if u arent feeling well what else can he do apart from getting things for u?#i love him#and hes also so hot#fuck#hajime#shotorus.bubble#this is so unedited i just need to feed myself LMAO
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Something I've noticed lately is that every time I go to the doctor and they ask how long I've been on testosterone, they are always surprised when I say ~6 years, like in a way that suggests they don't interact with people who've been on t that long, and I'm just so??? What? Do transmascs not ever visit the doctor after just starting t? Where are the longer term t users and why am I one of the first ones in this establishment
#this has happened with like almost 10 different doctors in multiple different locations like this is a Pattern#including planned parenthood btw#in a relatively safe city to be trans mind you#so it's not like these doctors have never interacted w trans patients#and in fact a few have specifically stated theyve worked with many trans patients#so the shock at six years is very confusing to me#it doesn't feel like that long#and theyre always like “oh wow so a *really* long time then”#???????#anyway I'm getting my uterus out next week and its a little fucked up from t and my doc said shes seen this in ppl on t for a long time#and again im like. is 6 years a long time.#excuse me?#what do you meeaaaannnnnn#6 years is not long
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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just found a WWI podcast that lasted as long as the war holy shit. from 2014 to 2018 so it fits perfectly
#It actually lasts longer because it covers the post war period as well. but the war bit is '14 - '18#should I pick it up?#I'll probably skip the first few episodes because I know about the archduke and the power struggles etc#btw the podcast is still ongoing. There are interviews. episodes on details of the war or propaganda#on stuff that happened before the war but kinda had a role in it#and he's currently revisiting some episodes and expanding them#he published the patron episodes. This is mental#it's ten years of a guy's life#and I still have some revolutions on that revolutions podcast I want to listen to#I should make a guide of the episodes but it takes time#and I have a lot to do#and I'm dicking around#ok from tomorrow I'll start following a schedule or I'll never finish my thesis in February#but I don't want to get stuck in a routine because it always messeses me up#I just need to start working earlier in the morning#personal#anyway this isn't about me this about a wwi podcast that pulled a mash#they should do mash on the southeast front with australian and new zealand troups#or maybe not
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I feel like there’s hands trapped in my chest clawing to get out but that’s okay! We stay silly!
#sorry to scream but I have got to just yell for a minute#idk what the hell happened to me but it started a few months ago#every time I’m alone with my thoughts it’s just there. something and it’s itchy!!! metaphorically yknow but#my soul is itchy babes this is concerning#not very concerning I’m pretty certain it has to do with me finally realizing oh maybe I ain’t cis#but I DONT FUCKIN LIKE IT#I know what’s gonna happen. whatever this is it’s gonna gnaw at me for a couple years and then it’ll just hit me like a truck and I’ll be#Changed for the better or worse#same thing happened when I wrestled with the sexuality but it’s so stupid#body stop it. chest stop it. hands!!!! stop scratching and trying to crack me chest open please#I’d like to deal with this Not Right Now I have other real issues that are more pressing#wish I could just open my chest up and grab the lil fucker that’s in there causing a ruckus and squeeze him until his head pops#anyways sorry this is stupid and very venty from me in a way I don’t usually do it#btw I do want to stress I am generally doing great overall! just tired (always haha)#but workouts have been awesome and I’m happy with my progress and I’m workin and doin well#but this has just been driving me crazy lately#lynx talks#sorryyyyy abt all that#anyway
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it's kinda funny that some people seem to think eggman has a soft spot for kids or something because of his relationship with sage like have you guys not seen the way he interacts with 90 percent of the other characters in this franchise . hes constantly fighting with teenagers and little kids and putting them in danger he does NOTTTT care lmao
#he once pulled a gun on amy and implied he was gonna hurt her if sonic didnt give him what he wanted#tails is one of the boss fights when you play as eggman in sa2 he literally said KILL THAT 8 YEAR OLD !!!!!!!!!#hes lied to /manipulated knuckles and shadow for his own gain#hes kidnapped cream to use her for his evil plans or whatever#and if i listed all the times hes intentionally put sonic in a life threatening situation or otherwise hurt him id be here all night#theres definitely more this is just a few examples off the top of my head excluding things that only happened in comics/movies/etc#so no i dont think he cares for little kids or teenagers all that much actually#sage and metal sonic are just exceptions#not saying eggman is a bad character for any of this btw. hes a villain hes supposed to do bad things#im just saying that he said fuck them kids
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kavinsky's death is actually the closing arc in a great tragedy to me bc his actions throughout the story are mostly just him practically begging for someone to be on his side, to care about him, to even just look at him. his father tried to kill him, his mother is completely uninterested. he can dream himself as many people as he wants, but they will only ever think of him because he made them to do so. the dream pack are just physical manifestations of his desire to not be alone in the world, to have someone, anyone, connected to him. he so desperately tries to draw some sort of emotion out of ronan, good bad or ugly, because the intense similarities they share mean that he's the only person who might be willing to look long enough to see him. and when it doesn't work, when he realizes it can't, that this world is not for him and he is not going to be a part of it in a way that involves anyone else, he decides that everyone is going to look at least this once. they will all see the finale if nothing else. genuinely doomed from the start. and how truly devastating that is in comparison to the core group the story focuses on, characters that even at their lowest and darkest and meanest and absolute worst have others there with them. characters that always have someone looking for them. dying is a boring side of a life that has nothing inside of it.
#4th of July got me this year girls (gender neutral)#also I'm contractually obligated to mention that he was so so funny#a few of his strengths:#1. hilarious#2. leader of ronsey nation#3. thrower of parties that involve fun for the whole family (minus the dream battle and suicide that one time)#but actually tho why do I feel like they mentioned like. families going to those parties.#anyways I'm getting SOOOOOO off track#did someone say trc famous adjective lonesome#and when u think abt the fact one of his worst acts was taking Matthew.... someone he KNEW ronan cared about above all#ohhhhh OWWWWW#like yeah obviously that was terrible and evil of him I'm not saying he's innocent or even nessecarily good#I'm just saying that he's fucking tragic#like so desperate for someone to look that he doesn't even care what he has to do to make it happen#this took me like 1.5 hrs to write btw I had so many things I wanted to say but it's almost midnight and I want to post it on His Day#the raven cycle#joseph kavinsky#the dream theives#kavinsky#trc kavinsky
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GGS TEAM PAST!!!
#DUUUDE THIS WAS SO FUN#dreadful#veji#art#splatoon#splatoon 3#grand festival#grand fest splatoon#Man I shed like a few tears by the end of the reveal news thing#Like not out of sadness cause my team lost but just from the joy that all this happened and I was here for it.#I never got to experience splatoon 2’s final fest so I’ve waited 3 years for this and I’m…. Just so happy!#If you couldn’t tell from the colours in the drawing I’m team future btw#I laughed so hard seeing the results lol we got NOTHING#Oh and I guess I should put my reasoning for my pick of future#so here it is:#I picked it because the future scares me. But it’s gonna happen anyway so I might as well look forward to it#I can’t let myself worry about where I’ll end up and who I’ll be when I’m older#But I do need to keep looking forward#I also chose it cause of deep cut. Like that was a big factor in my choice#Their music shaped my tastes. I just love it so much#And sure the characters themselves aren’t as fleshed out as the other idols#But they still mean a lot to me as splatoon 3 is the game that got me into the franchise#Even though I played 2 before 3 could never fully enjoy it as I came too late#I missed every splatfest cause I got it a year before splat3#So I could never connect the way I did to 3#Hearing anarchy rainbow for the first time changed me man. I fell in love instantly. It just means so much.#As an autistic person I actually surprisingly don’t really stim that much. But hearing anarchy rainbow just… flipped a switch.#I couldn’t stop moving. Literally like DJ Octavio man. It was a crazy experience to just feel like I had to move.#to walk around or something. To wave and flap my arms. Copy their dances. It sounds a little weird and childish when it’s written down#But it’s true. Splatoon’s music showed me that my autistic stimming was something I should embrace.
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when is the Worlds Apart performance in Barcelona coming to Spotify.................................... when is my wife coming home to me.............................
#bruce springsteen#worlds apart#the rising#barcelona 2002#uh yeah so i had told myself a month or two (or three) ago that i wasn't going to talk about her here but i changed my mind.#ESPECIALLY after all of the shit that has happened during the first few days of November alone.#i need her streamable. i need her in my playlists like that's goosebump inducing shit + he hasn't performed it since The Rising Tour#ended. pls you don't understand how serious this is there's a point in the video where he puts his hands in the air and for a split second#there's 70s/80s Bruce all over again. it's like looking at a fucking time capsule how fast it happens i need her to live#A SPIRITUAL EXPERENCE. give her to me so i can freak out#edit: ended up posting this on the six year anniversary of them re-uploading her to YouTube. was not intentional btw
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I dunno why but I keep thinking abt the way I used to spend my nights two years ago
I remember around 6-7pm (in the autumn/winter) or 7-8pm (in the spring/summer), I'd lock my bedroom door, bring my tablet and headphones up with me onto the roof and play songs that I liked I watched the sun set. The songs were mostly either sapphic-coded (like sofia by clairo, strawberry blonde by chloe moriondo, etc.) or something ambient and soothing to me (like colorful interlude by sublime jupiter or rhubarb/#3 by aphex twin). I don't remember why though..I guess I just liked those types of songs back then xp
sometimes I'd bring my sketchbook with me too and sketch out random things like landscapes or characters from fandoms I was in at the time. Or I'd bring my journal and write about my completely nothing day. Most of the stuff I wrote was about the same but it's still nice to look back at them :3
Was it the safest for 14 year old me to just chill on the roof? Probably not. But tbh I didn't care at the time xD I honestly wouldn't have minded dying there.
I was at like.a reaaaaally low point in my life. Probably at my worst. Like I would cry everyday over little things and I found it extremely difficult to take care of myself. I guesss when I was out there on my roof watching the sun set with nice music in my headphones I actually felt..peace?? for once?? I dunno how to explain but it was suuuper nice I remember ^^ and it was nice to let out good cries up there.
I guess I can't help but remember this fondly and find it kinda nostalgic even though it was only two years ago and when I was not.doing great :'D I'm better nowadays luckily but hadhehdjwd makes me emotional sometimes.
#btw if you're wondering why I don't go up on my roof anymore#it's bcz I had a time where I like.never opened the window to go up there#and now when I open it I see a bunch of cobwebs and it's very dirty#IDK HOW THAT HAPPENED IN THE SPAN OF A FEW MONTHS BUT YK WHAT I'M NOT DOING AS BAD AS WAS 2 YEARS AGO#I DONT NEED THE ROOF THAT BAD BABDHHEBHQHSWH#I also really liked going up there when it rained!#was it the best idea? no#but I did it anyway xD#idk how my tablet and headphones survived considering they aren't waterproof to my knowledge but whateves#I especially loved the rain droplets all over my window#bcz then I could draw some stuff on my window!#it wasn't anything revolutionary obvs. just stick ppl but it was something!#I think I took a picture of one of the drawings but it's on my old tablet :[#maybe I could find it if I charged that tablet and scrolled far enough tho#IDRK WHY I'M WRITING THIS#I just wanted to.put it somewhere ig?? xD#I mean I wasn't planning on taking it to the grave with me and I've never gotten to talk about it so yeahhh#I never napped up there btw#I'm surprised tbh xD#maybe it was the fear of rolling off#speaking of tho I'll probably head to sleep soonnnnn I still need to fix my sleep schedule#~
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens
#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not#tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been#having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was#originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to#go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night#and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth#fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god#but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing#that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much#but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt#running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected#by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution#will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad#obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours#is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have#things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have#suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one
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talk to me about profound, formative events in adulthood impacting people's settled daemons. are their shapes set in stone? would a strong enough experience manage to cause a crack in their settled shape? is there such a thing as daemon dysphoria? do our daemons define us, or do we define them?
#his dark materials#daemons#like ok i know daemon settlement is related to dust and adulthood or whatever#but they reflect peoples souls and the kind of people they are#AND THAT CAN CHANGE#our souls can be broken or elevated at any time of our lives#we can experience things so profound and of such incredible importance that i truly believe a person can be changed at their core#at any moment of their life#i was thinking about recently when i took an mbti test for fun for the first time since i was 20#so arguably an adult and would have had a long set daemon by hdm standards#mbti as most other personality tests widely available on the internet are bullshit but still#a few years back it consistently would give me infp and i definitelt related to that#now its enjf and yea. i grew and changed a lot over these years and the defining qualities do seem to fit#so that made think about my own daemon again and while before an african civet seemed the perfect fit now i found im a gray wolf#[using the daemonpage forum for reference btw; their analyses are superb]#anyways yea#this just led me to think about how constricting the concept of settled daemons is#people change over their whole life#sometimes the most defining changes dont happen during adolescence. sometimes we 'grow up' more than once#what happens then#granted i have not read everything pullman ever wrote so i might be wrong#but i dont think this has been ever properly explored#i want to talk about this so bad
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