#this blog is literally the only place where i still feel safe

[ethrealprincess]

hi i miss u all

[demadogs]

so many classic pop punk bands peaked in the 2000s and their music has gradually changed and gotten worse but paramore really was like nope cant be me

[kaijutegu]

Aug ABSOLUTELY deserves the praise, @ryukikit. St. Augustine Alligator Farm is one of my favorite animal facilities, hands down. It's a pretty zoo, doable in an afternoon if you kinda like crocodilians, or an all day affair if you REALLY like crocodilians. Here are my favorite things about it and why I think it's worth supporting.

1. They keep animals in interesting social groups.

Crocodilians are heavily involved parents, but most places that breed them don't have the enclosure space to let the babies stay with the parents. St. Augustine does. One of my favorite groups was their crèche of slender-snouted crocodiles. They had the parents and then a yearling cohort and a new hatchling cohort. This aligns with how these guys live in the wild- the babies stick around longer! They have the space for it, and they are very in tune with the social needs of their animals.

Very, very few zoos can keep their baby crocs with the adults and still perform maintenance and animal health checks safely. This doesn't mean these facilities are bad- it just means that they have different management practices. And frankly, a lot of these species aren't frequently bred elsewhere. Your average zoo doesn't need a setup where you can have a multiyear crèche for slender-snouted crocodiles. Some species have better success when the young are pulled early, and some zoos are better set up to raise out any offspring separately or behind the scenes. Every facility's practices are different, and this just happens to work well at St. Augustine and be really enjoyable to see as a zoo patron.

Crocodilians are exceptional parents and very protective. It's a sign of incredible animal management practices and animals that feel very comfortable with staff that St. Augustine can do this with nearly every species they breed.

2. They understand the social needs of their animals.

Some crocodilians are social. Some are solitary. Some can live happily with a member of the opposite sex but get territorial around members of the same sex. St. Augustine pays incredible attention to their social groupings to ensure that they aren't just meeting the animals' physical health needs but their social needs as well. They do continuous scientific research about social structures in crocodilians, taking blood samples to test stress hormones and observing stress behaviors to see how group dynamics change.

For example, St. Augustine is home to one of the world's largest known living saltwater crocodiles, Maximo. And his comparatively tiny mate, Sydney. During the educational presentations with these two, they point out that even their monster of a croc needs his social group- he won't eat if she's not around and he is calmer during medical checks if he can see her. These animal share a deep and special pair bond, and they make sure to talk about how the social aspect of these animals' lives is integral to their care. It's a unique aspect of the way they talk about these animals, because he IS a spectacle and he IS a sensation, but they don't talk about him like he's a mindless killing machine- they talk about him like he's a big, complex predator with social needs like any other animal. Aug is the only facility I've been to where the emotional and social needs of crocodilians is part of the education they provide guests- and speaking of education...

3. Their demos and presentations are extremely good.

The presentations at St. Augustine are some of the best I've ever seen, and I've seen literally hundreds of animal talks on everything from aardvarks to zebras. But as you... can probably tell from my blog content, I've spent a lot of time learning about and working with reptiles. I really enjoyed all of their presentations because they are very scientific about things and avoid sensationalism. They really want you to be fascinated by these creatures and love them- but more than anything else, they want you to respect them.

Also, they do a really good job handling their ambassadors. I really enjoyed something as simple as watching an educator tell us about snakes. Throughout the whole presentation she made sure that most of the snake's body was looped in her hand. The snake was always supported and was very calm. She gave the snake plenty of head room so that it didn't feel constricted- it was just good handling all around.

But also, the presentations made it clear how much the park cares about the animals' well-being. When they do the feeding and training presentations, they make it very clear that the animals' participation is entirely voluntary. They do things differently for their 9-foot saltie and their 16-foot saltie, because the 16-footer is so large and heavy he actually struggles walking on land sometimes. They adapt their programs and his care to ensure that he's completely comfortable- and he didn't actually participate in the whole feeding when I was watching! At no point did they try to push him into anything uncomfortable; they offered, he didn't engage, and they moved on. It was a clear expression of his boundaries, and I really appreciated how much his caretakers respected that.

4. Ethical Interactions

I've been to... a lot of tourist locations in Florida that have animals you can hold. Almost always against my will! Many of them are pretty terrible, and you don't actually learn much, if anything. But I really found that to not be the case at St. Augustine. Every single animal presentation and interaction opportunity was accompanied by education about the animal's biology, habits, and- crucially- their conservation status.

When I held a baby alligator at St. Augustine, the proctors- there were two, one to ensure I was holding the gator correctly and the other to educate- were very informative about the role alligators play in their ecosystem and their conservation history. The animals were all properly banded, and one of the two proctors was there to ensure that none of the baby alligators were uncomfortable. As soon as they started getting squirmy or tense, they were removed, unbanded, and taken to an off-exhibit area to relax. And when the babies age out of petting size, they just go in the lagoon to live with others of their species. I saw one upset alligator the entire time I was there, and he was clearly upset that his escape attempt was foiled by a keeper during my nursery tour.

Even though he's restrained in this shot, you can see that his full body and tail are supported, and the grip, while firm, is gentle. He's distressed, but after I took this picture, she put him in his enclosure and he calmed down immediately.

Sometimes when you have petting attractions with baby animals, those animals... don't have a happy ending. (See: cub petting.) But St. Augustine's program is fine- the gators are all aged out of wanting to have mom around, there's no declawing/defanging, and they're handled with care. And it's worth it, because people love what they understand. St. Augustine was integral in raising public awareness about alligators back in the 60s when they were endangered, and now they're thriving- largely in part to programs like St. Augustine getting people to care.

And speaking of getting people to care, let's talk about their research.

5. Shared Research Results

St. Augustine is also home to more species of crocodilian than anywhere else in North America- all of them, usually. (They didn't have a Tomistoma when I visited- that may have changed.)

Because of this species diversity, it's an incredible research resource. Having every species means that you can do a lot of work comparing their behaviors, their growth patterns, and more. They've been a major research site for crocodilian biology since the 1970s. Today, they're one of the key sites for studying crocodilian play and social behaviors. They actually maintain a blog where they post copies of papers that were written using their animals, meaning that you can actually see the results of the research your admission helps fund. You can see that right here: https://www.alligatorfarm.com/conservation-research/research-blog/

All of this adds up to a zoo that provides a unique experience, tons of actual education, and transparency about what its research and conservation steps actually are. St. Augustine's come a long way since its opening in 1893, and they really do want you to leave with a new respect for the animals they care for. Ultimately, if you're a fan of reptiles, you can feel good about visiting the St. Augustine Alligator Farm- their care and keeping are top of the line, they do a ton of innovative conservation research and support for conservation organizations, and you can see this animal there:

(Gharial from the front. Nothing is wrong with her that's just what they look like from the front.)

[muppetebbtide]

discworld dashboard simulator

❓ ankhmorporkpolls

🧙🏻 blackalisstan

This is like that tsortian guy who had to pick between goddesses and started a war and then died. Or like paying the assassin's guild to kill you

🔪 treefroghousealumni follow

*inhume

🧙🏻 blackalisstan

piss off you posh knob

🍴 priestessofanoia

tbf I don't think the watch is wasting its time on this blue hellsite so ur probably safe there. the POSTMASTER however...

#sometimes I think only bloody stupid johnson could have come up with this fucking site

10,435 notes

🪻watchofficial follow

ALL'S WELL!

🍴 priestessofanoia

nvm lmao 😭

47 notes

☕ klatchmeifyoucan follow

.

#ppl on here are actually sooooo ankh morpork centric it's insane #'EVERYONE knows webblethorpe the unconscious' who??? why the fuck should I??? #like HELLO there's other places on the disc? #and klatch is NICER like omg

4 notes

unseenuniconfessions reblogged:

🦧 unseenuniversitylibrary

Ook

#SO TRUE KING

100,034 notes

Anonymous asked:

Is lord vetinari gay

🪄ramtopswitches answered:

Why would you ask us, a ramtops witches blog, this

50,432 notes

🔮 uucompetitiveeatingchamp follow

CALLOUT: @ /spanglersal (deactivated)

• started a Kickstarter to crowdfund a click of Captain Vimes & Errol then disappeared with the money and has gone completely ghost on everyone

• apparently stole over 100k

• cringe

Read More

2000 notes

Anonymous asked:

Blessings be upon this askbox

🌷queen-of-lancre answered:

I don't know if this is nanny pretending to be granny, or if it's actually granny, and I think I'm too scared to find out

435 notes

cmot-dibbler-enterprises sponsored

SAUSAGES INNA BUN ‼️‼️‼️‼️🌭🌭🌭🌭

🏚️ throwingshades

Gonna go skating on the frozen river ankh!!

💀 nojusticejustus

HAVE FUN

🏚️ throwingshades

Thanks man!

34 notes

✉️ ampostofficeofficial follow

🐸 bursaaaaaaaaar

is. is the post office posting crab rave bc reacher gilt just turned up dead

7013 notes

🧳 agateantravels follow

The Crumley's Hogswatch grotto is being advertised again but somehow I just don't think they can top last year's... like idk where they got the budget from but the real pigs?? CRAZY. my little sister asked for a pony and there was just one in the house when we got back like?? My mum was PISSED but yes talk abt Hogswatch magic. Still wonder how they pulled it off

345 notes

💖 angelofmusic

It's literally SO unfunny to be making jokes about the Opera Ghost when you all KNOW I saw so many of my friends DIE last year??? I literally have so much PTSD from it... like it's so insensitive you're all actually the WORST

#vent #don't rb #some of you will say ANYTHING for a cheap laugh :(

5 notes

🐊 genuablogging

My dealer: got some straight gas 🔥😛 this strain is called “narrative causality” 😳 you’ll be zonked out of your gourd 💯

Me: yeah whatever. I don’t feel shit.

5 minutes later: dude I swear I just saw the Duc turn into a frog

My buddy Mrs Pleasant, pacing: Lilith de Tempscire is lying to us

456 notes

[kwanisms]

Kinktober 「10:09」 — k.seungmin

» stray kids menu | seungmin menu | kinktober masterlist «

➮ fallen angel!Seungmin × fem!Reader wc: 4.5k summary: His fall from grace had been due to his hard headedness and Seungmin’s status as a fallen one never really crossed his mind. At least until he met Y/N. He’d been dejected and grown disillusioned with life but upon meeting her, he started to see some meaning to life again. To put it simply -- Y/N made him feel alive. genres/themes/au: angst/fluff/smut; supernatural, horror, thriller; non idol au, monster idol au warnings: adult dialogue, female reader, supernatural and horror themes, mentions of: past bodily harm (seungmin had his wings literally cut off), not-so-high-speed collision of person on a bike with an angel (Y/N runs Seungmin over with a bicycle lol), one baseball reference (cause I couldn't help myself), past crime life/criminal activity (glosses over it but its there); sexual content (18+ mdni), see smut warnings under the cut! taglist has been moved to reblogs join my taglists! kinktober taglist is closed! Strikethrough means I cannot tag you.  MINORS WILL BE BLACKLISTED & BLOCKED. AGELESS BLOGS WILL ALSO BE BLOCKED.

a/n: i thought about revisiting vampire!Seungmin for kinktober but I changed my mind for fallen angel Seungmin. I like the direction I went with this and I tried to keep the wordy bits down so it wouldn't be too long. So far I've written a total of 45k for kinktober not including this piece so, words are wordin'. anyway, next piece is Yunho which I am very excited for so stick around! thank you for reading. if you liked this, pls consider reblogging so more people will see it and as always, this is a work of fiction and all characters are not reflective of their respective irl counterparts. for entertainment purposes only.

smut warnings: teratophilia (aka monsterfucking), impact play (f receiving; spanking, pussy slapping), begging, unprotected sex (use condoms! ):< ), oral (f receiving, m receiving), fingering (f receiving), use of pet names (hers: kitten, baby, angel; his: Minnie, sir), dom!Seungmin, sub!Reader, and that should be everything but if I missed some, let me know! kinks: Impact play + begging dialogue prompt: ❛❛ Oh no. Not until you beg. ❜❜

═══════════════════════════════════════════════════════

Falling from heaven is not as graceful or as ethereal as one might think.

For Seungmin, it was painful, bloody, and nightmarish. The process is one no one could ever fathom. Being cast down from all you’ve known, thrown into a cruel, dark world with nothing and no one. The only thing more painful was having his wings removed. Even now, years since then, he could still feel the burn of the hot steel as it sliced through tendon and flesh.

When he first arrived on Earth, Seungmin had nothing. He had his name and his memories but a drive to survive and so he did, albeit not by the most legitimate of ways and he did fall into the wrong crowd but it was so much easier to climb the social ladder of the underworld than to try things the proper and legal way. After all, he didn’t even have a social security number, a line of credit, or even a last name.

Seungmin realized he was caught in the wrong crowd when the hideout he was in was raided. He barely managed to get away and broke into a convenience store to hide from the cops. He was confronted by the owner and instead of alerting the authorities to his location, the man took him in, giving him a place to live and a job.

It wasn’t much but it was something and it allowed Seungmin to start over. His old crew were all rounded up and seeing as no one knew who Seungmin actually was, they were never able to turn him in. He was safe. For now.

Seungmin ended up taking the last name of the man who took him in, a man who simply went by Mr. Kim, and came to regard him almost as a father figure. Mr. Kim owned a small convenience shop off the beaten path. Seungmin was given a room in the small apartment above the shop where Mr. Kim lived alone. 

His life had gone quiet but a sort of disquiet had settled over him, not knowing where he was going or what he was going to do with his life. He simply was going through the motions of life.

Until he met you.

You had come crashing into his life. Quite literally.

He’d been walking down the sidewalk on a particularly gray and gloomy day, running errands for Mr. Kim, when he heard a high pitched scream. It wasn’t a scream of terror or fear. It was more like a shriek of excitement. It was playful in nature.

Seungmin didn’t have time to even respond when he heard a voice screaming at him to move out of the way. He turned, finding someone on a pink bicycle hurtling towards him. “BRAKES! HIT THE BRAKES!” someone had cried but despite the brakes being squeezed, you still managed to crash into him.

It wasn’t like you were going all that fast, but it was enough to knock the wind out of him as you toppled off the bike onto him, pinning him to the sidewalk as the bike flipped over without your weight on it. You let out a groan, pushing yourself up and glancing towards the mangled heap that was your bike.

Seungmin stared up at you, blinking as he tried to process exactly what just happened.

“Oh my god,” you gasped. “I’m so sorry!” You quickly scrambled up, pulling him into a sitting position. You panicked, inspecting him all over, asking a plethora of questions. 

“What hurts?!” Nothing.

“Are you bleeding?” No.

“Did you hit your head?” Yes.

Your introduction to him was as violent as they come but his life completely turned around after meeting you. He finally had someone else to talk to. Someone he could spend time with outside of the convenience store and upon meeting you, Mr. Kim urged him to spend more time with you.

Your friendship grew, blossoming naturally over a short period of time and after knowing you for nearly a year, Seungmin couldn’t imagine his life without you.

You were vibrant, full of life, eccentric, and ecstatic about everything. You never seemed to have a bad day in the entire time Seungmin knew you and he found your optimism a refreshing new outlook that he started to adopt into his own life.

Of course, while you were very bright, bubbly, and vivacious, you were also extremely bratty. Seungmin often had to argue with you about things he thought he’d never have to argue with anyone about. Making sure you took medicine when you were sick was a chore and Seungmin came to realize you were only a brat because it pushed his buttons.

Especially today.

Mr. Kim had given him the day off and so he was at your place, a cute little studio apartment on the 14th floor of your building. It had an exposed brick exterior wall and floor to ceiling windows that spanned almost the entire wall. Outside the window was a fire escape where you had lots of plants as well as smaller potted plants sitting in the window. Your bed was sectioned off with a large cube storage unit and sheer curtains.

The living area was small and cozy with a flat screen television, a cream colored loveseat with lots of blankets and pillows. A coffee table that doubled as a dining table stood between the couch and the media center where you kept your gaming consoles and collection of games and movies.

The kitchen was also small. White cabinets hung on the walls where you kept your dishes. An island with a sink separated the kitchen from the living area and at the bar of the island stood three bar height chairs. Seungmin had arrived early, bringing food and drinks but they had long run out and you were whining at him to get more.

He sat on your couch, feet resting on the coffee table despite your insistence to remove them. You sat on the other cushion, next to him, wrapped up in your favorite blanket. Seungmin had arrived as you were opening your windows, saying it was a nice day out — it wasn’t, it was freezing — and that you and your plants needed the fresh air.

Despite insisting it was a nice day, you had immediately wrapped yourself in your blanket and curled up next to him on the couch, sapping the warmth from his body, not that he exactly minded. You had exhausted your movie library, picking the things you either hadn’t seen in a long time or at all which wasn’t much. 

Streaming services didn’t provide much of a difference in options so for the last hour, you’d been playing games on your phones, showing each other silly videos while enjoying the other’s presence. You’d finally grown bored of your game and were now pestering Seungmin into leaving to go get more snacks and drinks. 

“Why don’t we get food instead?” he asked as his little avatar died on screen and he shut the game off. “I think we need actual food, Y/N,” he added, locking the screen of his phone and turning his head to look at you. The urge to smile came over him because you looked sort of ridiculous wrapped up in your blanket so only your face was showing.

“But I don’t wanna!” you protested. “That means I have to get up.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes, throwing his head back against the back of the couch. “You’re so impossible,” he sighed before getting up with a groan. “Come on,” he said, holding his hand out. You shook your head, pulling your blanket tighter around you.

“Yah,” Seungmin said, giving you a playful but stern glare. “Get up,” he said, moving to stand in front of you, towering over your seated form. You shook your head wordlessly, staring up at him. He grabbed your blanket, tugging at it in an attempt to get you to listen. “No!” you squealed as he tried to pull the blanket harder. “You’re gonna rip it!”

Seungmin tugged harder. “Then let go so it doesn’t rip,” he countered. You glared at him. “It’s my blanket!” you reminded him. Seungmin tugged harder and you could have sworn you heard the material start to rip and so you let out a panicked whine and let go, allowing Seungmin to pull the blanket away.

“Alright,” he said, wading up the blanket and throwing it onto your bed. “Let’s go!”

You shivered, your once warm skin now exposed to the cool air filtering in from outside. “It’s cold!” you whined, curling in on yourself. Seungmin rolled his eyes and walked over. “Then get up and get changed,” he said, holding out his hand. You hesitated before taking his hand and then quickly tugging him towards you.

Unprepared, he lost his balance and fell onto the couch on top of you as you giggled, immediately hugging onto him like a koala. “So warm,” you murmured. Seungmin groaned trying to pull away from you but unsuccessfully. It wasn’t like you were all that strong, he just liked to indulge in some skinship with you from time to time.

“Okay,” Seungmin said. “You warm?” he asked. You nodded, smiling contentedly at him. “Good,” he said softly. “Now get up.” He tried again to pull away but you whined, holding onto him tighter so when he tried to get up, you moved with him.

“Y/N,” he scolded. “I’m not going to ask again. Get up.”

You looked up at him and he could see it before you even replied. A defiance in your eyes. 

“Make me.”

He didn’t know if it was because of your continuance to press his buttons mixed with the obvious tension between the two of you, but your resistance and disobedience made something in him snap. He quickly pulled your arms from around his neck, pinning you under him on the couch.

Your giggles died immediately as he leaned over you. Your eyes widened as you stared up at him. This was a side of him you hadn’t seen before nor had he planned on sharing but you really, really liked to push his buttons. 

Seungmin hesitated as he looked down at you, assessing whether or not he’d taken things too far but the look in your eyes, while being one of surprise, was also a look of eagerness and he could tell then that you wanted this as much as he did. 

He leaned in closer, testing your reaction, wondering if he should stop and when your eyes dipped down to look at his lips, he closed the distance, pressing his lips to yours for the first time. 

Your stomach fluttered as his lips moved against yours. It was entirely new but it felt completely right. Your lips parted at the same time, his tongue slipping into your mouth. You let out a soft moan, muffled by his mouth, as his thigh pressed against your cloth covered crotch.

Seungmin pulled away, lips ghosting over your ear. “Do that again,” he whispered, pressing his thigh against you again. You muffled your moan, biting into your bottom lip. Seungmin scoffed as he reached up, using his thumb to gently pull your lip from between your teeth. “You’re such a brat.”

You opened your mouth to respond and at that exact moment, he grinded his thigh against you, making you whimper. “It’s so much nicer when you listen to me,” he sighed, nuzzling into your neck. He let go of your wrists, moving his hands down to your sides.

“Are you still going to be a brat and fight me or are you gonna let me make you feel good?”

You whined in response as his hands cupped your chest over your shirt. “I take it that’s a yes?” he asked, a hint of amusement in his voice. You nodded eagerly. Seungmin let out a low chuckle, hands sliding down your stomach until he could curl his fingers under the waistband of your shorts.

“Then these need to come off,” he murmured, pulling them down slowly past your thighs as you lifted your hips. He discarded them on the floor behind the couch, eyes drinking in your naked lower half. “Lace?” he asked, looking up from the crimson material to meet your gaze.

His eyes were dark, pupils blown as he moved his hands up your thighs towards your hips. “Be honest,” he said as he leaned over, pressing a kiss to your stomach. “Did you wear these for me?” You giggled as his tongue traced a line up your skin. “No,” you giggled. Seungmin pulled away with a slight frown.

“You mean you just wear these for no reason other than to wear them?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. You nodded silently, letting out a gasp when Seungmin delivered a sharp smack to the inside of your thigh. “Don’t lie to me,” he snapped.

“You don’t wear anything uncomfortable for long periods of time without a purpose,” he continued. “You told me so yourself.” A small smile spread across your face as you looked up at him, hands still resting by your head where he left them. “You always listen to everything I say?” you asked as his eyes wandered back down to the red material that barely covered anything.

“Yes,” he said simply, moving his hands up your sides, pushing the hem of your shirt up to just under your breast. He met your gaze once more. “Are you wearing a matching set?” he asked, tilting his head like a curious puppy. You giggled, shaking your head. His eyes narrowed. “If you’re lying to me, there will be consequences, you know that, right?” he asked. You nodded. “I know.”

Seungmin held your gaze as he pushed the shirt up over the swell of your breast, exposing the incriminating evidence of your red lace bralette. He made a tsk sound as his eyes fell to your chest, taking in the sight of the red contrasting with your skin, your nipples visible through the sheer material. He looked back up to meet your gaze. “You lied to me, again,” he muttered.

You watched with excited eyes as he sat back on his heels, looking down at you. “I told you there would be consequences,” he added. “I know,” you said softly. Seungmin sighed as he shifted on the couch so he was sitting before holding out a hand for you to take. “Are you going to be good and take your punishment or am I going to have to force you?”

You took his hand, allowing him to pull you up and over his lap so you were lying on your stomach. You felt one of his hands move to your ass, fingers skimming over the lace as he inspected the sight. His other arm held you down. One of his fingers slid under the material of your panties, sliding it over to expose your cheek.

“I want you to count,” he said softly as his hand returned to your bare cheek. “How many?” you asked, glancing over your shoulder. Seungmin looked up from your ass, meeting your eyes with his. He had a dark look in them, something that both excited and sent a chill down your spine.

“Until I say so.”

By the time Seungmin finally did tell you to stop counting, your ass was sore. The skin burned and your body was aching, as was your cunt. You needed release and you were practically dripping. “Seungmin,” you whined. “I need release.”

Seungmin scoffed, moving his hand to pull your panties aside while he traced your folds with two fingers, spreading them slowly. The cool air against your hot cunt felt both foreign but oddly wonderful. “So needy,” Seungmin murmured, sliding the tips of his fingers between your lips, gathering your wetness before slowly pushing them into your hole.

You let out a pornographic moan, the sound resonating around the apartment. Seungmin felt his cock twitch in his pants, straining against the material of his underwear and aching to be freed. ‘Not yet,’ he told himself. ‘Not until Y/N proves she can behave.’ 

You moaned loudly as he pumped his fingers in and out of your sopping cunt, lightly scissoring them and curling them against your walls. “Seungmin. More,” you gasped, making him chuckle. “More?” he asked. “I have two fingers stuffed in you and that’s not enough?”

You shook your head as he sped up. He delivered a sharp smack to your sore ass. “Words, kitten,” he cooed. “N-no!” you stammered. “No you don’t want to use words?” he asked. “No!” you said quickly. “It’s not enough! I need more!” you clarified. Seungmin shook his head. “Such a greedy little baby.”

He obliged, giving you a third finger, opening you up to take his cock easily but he wasn’t about to give it to you that quickly. Your moans grew in pitch and volume as he fucked you with his fingers. He could feel you start to shake, your walls clenching rhythmically around him. “Don’t you fucking cum yet,” he growled, pulling his fingers from your hole, making you whine in protest.

“But Minnie!” you complained. He nudged you, signaling you to sit up. “Do you want me to fuck you here, on your couch, or over there,” he asked, jerking his thumb over his shoulder towards your bed. “Where I’m sure it’s much more comfortable.”

You grumbled softly as he got up, grabbing your hand and all but dragging you over to the bed, stepping up onto the small platform upon which your bed stood.

He turned your back towards the bed, moving his hands to quickly strip you of your shirt and bralette. “Sit,” he instructed but you didn’t listen, instead trying to pull at his clothes. He grabbed your hands, bringing your wrists together to hold with one hand and grabbing your chin with the other.

“If you don’t listen to me, I won’t let you cum at all, understand?” You nodded quickly and as soon as he let go, you sat on the bed, looking up at him. “Good, kitten,” he said, cupping your chin, moving his thumb to brush over your bottom lip. “I need you to do something for me,” he said, moving his hands to undo his buckle. “And then I promise I’ll make you feel really good”

You nodded, keeping your eyes locked on his as he unzipped his pants. “Do me a favor and put that mouth to good use, yeah?” he asked, pushing his jeans down past his hips. Your eyes roamed down his body, taking in the outline of his hard cock behind the dark blue color of his underwear. 

You could see it was straining against the fabric, begging to be freed. Your hands trembled slightly as you reached to pull the front of his boxer briefs down. Seungmin quickly grabbed your hands, stopping you. “Are you okay?” he asked softly, the dominant persona he’d taken on dissipating for a moment as he gave you a look of concern. You nodded, giving him a smile.

“Just nervous,” you whispered. He caressed your cheek gently. “You don’t have to be nervous,” he said softly. “It’s just me.” You nodded, swallowing thickly as you returned your attention to the task before you.

Your fingers snuck under the waistband of his underwear, pulling it down in one swift motion and freeing his cock. You stared at it in awe, saliva starting to pool in your mouth at the sight of it bobbing before you. Wrapping your fingers around the base of the shaft, you looked up at Seungmin for confirmation to keep going. He merely nodded, watching as your lips parted and you gave the tip of his cock a kitten lick. He let out a hiss but was unable to catch his breath as you immediately went back in, tongue swirling around his cockhead.

“Fuck,” he hissed, eyes fluttering shut as your mouth enveloped his cock, taking it as far as you could in one go. “You’ve done this before,” he groaned as you pulled back, cheeks hollowing as you sucked. Seungmin let out a sigh as you took him back into your mouth, the tip of his cock barely brushing the back of your throat.

“Keep going, baby,” he murmured, resting his hand on the back of your head, pulling you closer. You gagged as the head of his cock tried to push into your throat. “Shit,” he gasped as he let go and you pulled back, coughing. “Sorry,” he murmured. “We can stop if you’d — oh fuck!”

His words were cut off when you took his cock back into your mouth, keeping your hand firmly wrapped around the base as you started to bob your head, taking everything up until you hand. Seungmin let out a choked moan, throwing his head back as you continued to suck him off, now moving your hand as you pulled back.

You let his cock fall from your mouth, continuing to stroke him quickly. Too quickly. He had to stop you before he came. He didn’t want to cum on your face or chest or in your mouth. “S-st-stop,” he stammered, moving his hand to try and grab yours but missing. “Y/N,” he said, a little more firmly. “Baby, stop.” You finally looked up at him, hand stalling but his cock still firmly in your grasp.

“Did I do something wrong?” you asked as he pulled your hand off him and slowly knelt down at the edge of your bed. “No,” he murmured, pulling you into a kiss. “You were perfect. I just wasn’t ready to finish,” he added. “Lay back,” he instructed.

As you laid back against the soft material of your comforter, Seungmin took that opportunity to rid himself of his clothes. You started to scoot back towards the middle of the bed but he stopped you. “Here,” he said softly. “I want your ass hanging over the edge of the bed.”

You pouted at him. “But I’ll fall,” you protested. He shook his head as he knelt down. “Just trust me, angel. Do as I say or am I going to have to punish you again?” You shook your head, moving until your hips were hanging off the edge of the bed. You watched as he slipped your panties off before he shrugged your legs over his shoulders, his hands grabbing your hips and holding them in place as he licked his lips.

“Minnie,” you cooed, reaching down to comb your fingers through his dark hair. He looked up at you, his dark gaze meeting yours and making a fresh wave of arousal course through you. “Can’t you just fuck me?” you asked as sweetly as possible. Seungmin chuckled, shaking his head. “No,” he answered. You frowned at him. “Why not? You’ll find I’m more than ready to take it,” you answered.

Seungmin merely chuckled again. “No,” he answered again. “I want a taste first.” 

The words on the tip of your tongue died as you felt him spread your folds and his tongue run from your hole to your clit. The moment his tongue met the nub, he sucked on it, making your thighs involuntarily try to close around his head but he moved his hands, wrapping his arms around your thighs to hold them open and keeping you firmly in place.

You were left to the mercy of his tongue as his mouth ravaged your clit. One of your hands moved to grab the bedding by your head in a tight fist while the other combed through Seungmin’s hair, grabbing a handful of the locks. Each time he flicked his tongue, your body jerked and you cried out. 

“M-Minnie. M’gonna cum!”

Seungmin pulled back and you whined only to receive a slap to your pussy which made you gasp, thighs twitching. “You don’t cum until I say so, understand?” You nodded quickly, your orgasm slowly slipping away. Seungmin’s mouth returned, attacking your clit with quick flicks of his tongue until the sensation started to rise again, tension building in your stomach.

“Minnie, I’m close,” you warned him. “Hold it back,” he retorted. “Don’t make me punish you again.”

You bit your tongue, trying to will away the tension and the building orgasm. “I-I don’t think I can,” you sobbed. Seungmin pulled back, delivering another slap to your sex. “Such an impatient and greedy kitten,” he snapped. “Can’t even wait a minute more.”

“Just fuck me then,” you retorted. Seungmin scoffed, almost mockingly. “Oh no,” he said, landing another slap on your clit. “Not until you beg.” You whimpered. If that was all he needed, you could do that. “You should have just said so,” you gasped. “Please Seungmin. Please give me your cock. I want it. I need it.” 

“You need it, huh?” Seungmin asked, brushing his fingers over your clit languidly. He wasn’t trying to bring you to climax, simply giving you some friction while he listened to you. 

“How bad do you want it?”

“I want it so bad, please,” you sobbed. “I promise I’ll be good. I’ll do everything you say but please Minnie, please fuck me.” You needed him inside you so bad and you weren’t above begging if that’s what he wanted you to do. “One more time,” he cooed. “What do you want?”

“I want your cock, Seungmin. I want you to fuck me!” you snapped. Seungmin moved quickly, letting your legs fall back as he climbed over you. “Middle of the bed, on your hands and knees, now,” he growled. You scrambled to get up, moving into place and presenting yourself to him. He kneeled behind you, hands grabbing your ass and kneading.

“I’m going to fuck you how I want to,” he started as he leaned over your back, the tip of his cock brushing against the inside of your thigh. “If it’s too much for you, say ‘pitcher’s mound,’ understand?” he asked. You nodded. A smack rang out as he landed a slap to your ass over the same side he’d made sore earlier.

“Words, kitten. We use our words,” he snapped. “Yes, sir!” you gasped out, your backside burning. He gently ran his hand over the spot soothingly. “What do you say if you need me to stop?” he asked, leaning over your back and whispering in your ear. “Pitcher’s mound,” you replied softly. You felt him press a tender kiss to your shoulder. “Good,” he cooed.

You felt the tip of his cock press against your entrance and without any resistance, he pushed into you. Once the head was firmly lodged inside you, he snapped his hips, pulling you back to meet his thrust and filling you with one stroke.

You cried out in both pleasure and pain as he buried his cock to the hilt inside you. Seungmin still, thumbs rubbing circular patterns into your skin as he held your hips. He waited for the spasming of your walls to cease before he pulled back, giving you a shallow thrust which made you moan softly.

“Any pain?” he asked quietly. “No,” you replied, shaking your head. “Good,” Seungmin said simply, tightening his hold on your hips. “Remember your safeword,” he reminded you. 

“Cause I’m not stopping until you’re screaming.”

©️ kwanisms 2024 | all works on this blog are protected under copyright. Do not repost, continue, or translate my works. All graphics made by me.

[revehae]

two days ago, this blog turned two years old. well, that’s if you ignore the fact that i accidentally deleted my blogs this january. in spite of that, so many of you are still here with me and have been supportive even when i was quite literally losing my marbles. you guys have been patient through my periods of inactivity and reread my fics with the same amount of appreciation for them as you had the first read - if not more. and for that, i say thank you.

but i’m also saying goodbye.

just kidding! i was being serious for too long and so i felt the need to potentially strike some fear into someone’s heart for fun. anywho, no, i’m not actually leaving. not yet, anyway. there is so much more i want to do with this blog and so many ideas i want to share that will most likely carry on to the following year. so yeah, you guys are still stuck with me.

am i taking the two-year anniversary of a mostly k-pop tumblr blog teeming with dark, degenerate fantasies that ought to get me stoned by stubby, hairy ogres way too seriously? perhaps. but i’ll never forget what this blog means to me. i’m in a place now where my trauma is no longer something i feel suffocated by or bound to, but when i created this blog, i admit that there were still large parts of me that felt like i was “broken.” this was only possible because i found safe places where i could acknowledge it without fear of being judged, blamed, or attacked.

i realize not everyone has those places. one of the greatest delights i have is being able to own a blog where people with similar experiences as me are able to confront their pain in a way that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and most importantly, in control.

i went through periods of time where i wouldn’t even leave my room because i was so terrified of being subjected to the same nightmare again. i couldn’t go out in public, because when i did, i was constantly worried that someone was out to give me. this affected my relationships with my friends, family, myself, sex, the world - everything. it is a hell i wouldn’t even wish on Trumpington McDonaldton. or would i? just kidding. not really, considering his track record. but, back to the point, i know what it’s like to live in the dark. i know how unfair it is that someone can swoop in, ruin your life, and never, ever face consequences. meanwhile, you are staring at the consequences of what someone else did every single day. i know what it’s like to blame yourself. i know what it’s like to wish that things were different.

but i also know that as unfair as it is, as painful as it is, and as hard as it may be to accept, no one is going to single-handedly fix you. you have to be your own healer. you have to put the work in to build yourself back up and bounce back stronger than ever. i know firsthand how intimidating that can be, however, in my experience, the first step was not hiding from what i’d gone through. in a way that i originally never thought would be possible, writing and reading noncon fics was one of the most helpful ways of doing that. everything about this blog has been extremely cathartic for me. and the best part about it is that many of you have told me it’s cathartic for you as well, which fills me with a glee words cannot describe.

now, of course, my blog is not limited to Traumatized Individuals who had their brains rewired in the worst way possible via some negative experience - although i doubt you’re not still somehow traumatized if you religiously read my content. if you aren’t a victim of SA, you aren’t going to be crucified for reading noncon. it’s okay. don’t worry. but still, i will always support and stand up for those that are, even if they don’t cope in the same way as me. because not reading is also okay. there are so many different ways to cope with SA; i’m just happy to provide one of them to those that seek it out.

again, thank you all! thank you to those that have been here since the beginning. thank you to those that followed me this week. thank you to those who leave nice messages in my inbox, and reblog, and leave comments. thank you to my dearest sweet mutuals. thank you to those who followed me here from lisired and didn’t unfollow me when you realized i’m a little bit insane. thank you to those that read my fics over and over and never get bored! let’s heal together everyone. but let’s also be depraved and Scare The Hoes. and if you read all of this, i love you and i hope you get everything you ever wanted in life.

- with all of the love in the world, revehae!

[pan-withnoplan]

@lakewillowmerewraith let me tell you something about boundaries.

I run a confession blog for a different fandom. It's mostly a positive environment, but as with most fandoms, there are also ship wars, people who thirst for "negative" characters, and occasionally rotten takes. Since the first day, I knew I had to set boundaries, but I also knew that I couldn't let those boundaries be about me and my personal preferences and dislikes. It wouldn't be fair if I deleted positive confessions about my notp/criticising my ships/depicting nsfw headcanons/shipping a beloved character with a hated character.

Because that was a blog that I made, but I made it for everybody in my fandom to feel welcome, not just those who I believed shipped/held the "correct, pure, unproblematic" ships/opinion, and it isn't fair to police real people because of fictional characters. What confessions I could reject, were those who actively hated on real people. For example: “This female character whom some people see as a transfem allegory canonically had a brief relationship with a black woman, so people who ship her with this white male character who was mean to her and "deadnamed" her are all racist, homophobic, and abuse apologists”. And “All X shippers are racist/misogynist/homohobic/etc etc” and “people who say [perfectly harmless thing] are gross/cringe. touch grass” and “stop being so damn [ableist slur]”. Those are the things I need to protect and shield my followers from, not the thirst confessions about the villain who manipulated and betrayed the female character. I also have an extensive tag system that allows people to avoid things they don't want to see. I get inbox that I don't like every day and still, as long as they aren't harmful to real people, I publish them all because it's not about what I want from my blog, it's about enriching my fandom and giving a voice to everybody. I've fucked up occasionally, but I am proud to say that mostly I have been praised for keeping a welcoming, safe, and positive space.

This is what I mean when I say that @elainarcheronweek's mods that have pushed for the decision to have certain Elain ships banned are partial, biased, and unfit to run an event that's supposed to belong to all Elain fans, not just the mods, not just the ones who they believe ship her with the correct character. It's not Healthy Elain Week, it's just Elain Week. And it's despicable that they can just decide to reject fanworks on which real people spent time and energy and feelings, just because they don't like the pairing or they make them feel icky. Because it's just that, right? You said it yourself. Not "fans feel uncomfortable about tamlain and beronlain", it's "the mods have the right to lead their event how they want to". And I say no, it's not only their event, it's Elain's event, Elain's fans's event, and no, they don't have the right to lead that event how they want to if that means punishing fans and creators because of a personal dislike. As I said, they didn't like the "icky" ships and decided to make it everyone else's problem. They "eliminated" the threat of big bad "toxic" elain ships, but they've done nothing to silence the people who accuse tamlain and beronlain shippers of being abuse apologists even when those works contain Tamlin and/or Beron redemption. This is not letting darkfic have the right to exist, it's purity culture. Denying those works a place on the platform out of a personal preference is quite literally censorship.

"But fans really have been feeling uncomfortable with tamlain and beronlain! What about them?" So use the fucking tag system. Make a post where you explain there will be works thay might trigger people and tell them to block the tamlain and beronlain tags. Ask people to suggest other potential triggers so you can update the list. Include the list of potential triggering tags in the master post. It's that simple and it would have saved the whole fandom a lot of drama and disappointment. It's always so baffling for me to think that grown ass people refuse to curate their own browsing experience or ignore the things that they dislike.

[ialwaysknewyouwerepunk]

queer signalling: louis and harry living their beautiful queer lives, collected by me

since we must take note of our fellow queers when they signal that they are very much one of us, despite being closeted. since i've had a very very queer few years thanks to them, thanks to their signalling, thanks to them being brave.

(!! this list isn't exhaustive, and if i've forgotten your favorite, by all means let me know. there's always room for another edition. it's been a while since i made a compilation and felt there was a need of a new one on my blog. this one goes a few years back, since my last one dates from 2021 :'o. so yeah. here we go.)

harry in my policeman, playing a closeted queer man, based on the book that's long been one of his favorites. lauded by the director and co-stars for how well he portrayed this character, how well he understood.

harry wearing a green flower on his chest for the mp premiere, placing himself (once again) in the same line of history as oscar wilde.

louis's green flowers on his initial 28clothing jersey at the first afhf, which includes bonus roses and 28s all around

the entire late night talking mv bc!!!!!

louis's rainbow stage lights during sibwawc. he really did that. every single night.

the entire dazed magazine happening. “I’ve always tried to compartmentalise my personal life and my working life,” he explains. / “I have unlocked an ability to be myself completely, unapologetically,” he says with conviction." / “I think through my own sense of self and personal journey, I am realising that happiness isn’t this kind of end state.”

louis's gay exit songs: most notably 'ever fallen in love (with someone you shouldn't've)'

harry flirting with stanley tucci

louis and his gay ass tank tops !!! we must point it out !!!!!!

all along

harry kissing a pride flag during harry's house ono in nyc

rainbow flare during the btm mv

harry being gifted a mask of his own face at munich n2, which prompted him to say that he feels like he's wearing a mask sometimes

28 in a triangle for 28clothing!!!!!!!!

kit connor soft launching 28 clothing. a young actor starring in a queer coming-of-age series, who was forced to come out after being accused of queerbaiting. he was the first one, besides louis, to wear 28clothing

harry's grammy's speech "people like me" (which ppl sadly misunderstood), echoing what he's been saying on tour for years. this doesn't happen to people like him. if they only knew, right?

harry's freddie-inspired outfit for the grammy carpet (which also brought back his theme for clown/jester fits, like harryween 2021 n2. wonder why)

louis's merch graphic where a boy is trying to smash a glass ceiling

harry posing for david hockney, actual living legend, gay artist of the ages. "Styles seems to know how lucky he is, adding, with a tinge of disbelief: “I’m in awe of the man with enough one-liners for a lifetime.” As to what those one-liners might be? Styles and Hockney’s mutual silence on that question suggests that what happens in the studio, stays in the studio."

louis having suspicious visuals during back to you, the only visuals of that type on tour

harry's 2022 harryween outfit: dressed as danny (literally. he did that. he went grease on us.) but wearing sandy's jacket

louis at barricade aka held safely in the arms of strong security personnel

harry singing man, i feel like a woman and still the one with shania twain. while wearing a rainbow discoball jumpsuit (parallel with kacey musgraves wearing a rainbow dress to sing it with him years ago.)

louis's gay ass merch for the away from home festival

harry dressed in nina ricci by harris reed, an explicitly gender-fluid line. "At 18 I found myself living in london creating ruffle blouses, corsets, fabric flowers and flares from my kitchen floor (...). My creations at the time were met with nothing but criticism for being “too feminine” or “costume”, teachers said I should focus on “menswear” or “womenswear”. l remember it really wasn’t until I started dressing for myself and who I was that it all clicked. @harrystyles was my first ever client who embraced the fun, fluid and expressive clothing I was creating."

continuous bluegreening. to name a few: harry's werchter fit, all this time lights, satellite caps in two colors only, louis's smiley flickering bluegreen on tour in 2022, the james cordon shit, louis in uncasville. enjoy this post here

harry's snl shoot unseens: him as ariel

louis out in amsterdam at a gay bar

harry going to the women's only swimming pond (on a day it was open for men, but this is important to me okay)

harry's use of orchids in his visuals during 'she' during love on tour '23

the 'hairy mermaid' tour visuals

harry as a mermaid during the mfasr mv. as a supreme physical manifestation of harry as the mermaid he truly is inside. but in his true form he gets chopped up and consumed. literally

as it was mv and its parallels with the matrix, hints to harry as the woman with the red dress.

louis jumping up on barricade against the one spot where a pride flag was draped over it

oh yeah that exact same thing happened in 2022 too

harry forming a skirt with a pride flag in brasil after his pants ripped

that gay ass denim getup with the fur collar?? while wearing the fucking peace ring????

harry and phoebe breaking gender norms in the tpwk mv dance. no i'm not over it yet shut up

louis wearing a basquiat t-shirt, another famously queer artist joining the ranks

harry bought an actual genuine basquiat. flex

harry dressed in skirts for gucci

"happy pride! happy pride! 'tis the season! can you tell i'm relaxed?"

"isn't all of this sparkly bi music?"

satellite mv rainbow planet tshirt

louis's bigger than me promo where he's literally george michael like??? IM SORRY???????

harry kissing lewis capaldi at the brits

harry kissing nick kroll at the dwd premiere. lol

and... harry as friend of D O R O T H Y. sang over the rainbow. we all cried. especially me at this clip of harry glancing in relief at his band after over the rainbow.

[funsize-cenobites]

Mihawk-Brain-Eating-Syndrome has seized me.

The post that started this whole train of thought came from @manofbeskar who's Mihawk thoughts, Mishanks heartwrenchers, and absolutely gorgeous art are so inspiring I feel chewing-on-the-doorframe feral every time I check their blog.

Mihawk has a complicated relationship with vivre cards. Yet despite all efforts at keeping the world and everyone in it at Yoru length he still manages to keep collecting bits of them.

Not many nowadays, its a rather intimate affair after all; to have someone give you a literal piece of their life so that you may always find them no matter where in the wide seas you may be. Assuring that you'll be the first to know should they leave that world entirely.

Far too intimate. It feels too obvious, too heavy handed, too much like handing him your heart and asking him to carry it. Such a thing is heavier than any blade and all the bloody deeds he can never truly wipe from the steel.

Its gentle and vulnerable and human. All the things Mihawk is convinced he could play at but never truly be again. But... I imagine at the start of his journey, maybe he was a touch more open. Perhaps accepting his first from a mentor as a parting of ways though he didn't yet have one of his own to offer in return.

Strange how a simple piece of card in his palm could feel like an open door. Always there, inviting him home. Always there, until it wasn't.

Mihawk will never forget the first time he felt one burning away into nothing in his hands. It went up so quick.. He had no idea it could take less than a minute to burn a home.

Then perhaps he found a crew, a more tangible place to nest and he suddenly had more vivre cards than he could tuck away on his person in a timely manner. Perhaps it became a ritual of sorts each morning, a part of his routine to tuck each one away. The captain, vice captain, and the rest of the specialists lining the inner band of his hat while the rest of the crew were individually squirreled away. A meditation, grounding and quiet. He would use it to remind himself of his role as the crew's swordsman, as their protector.

How could he forget the sharp sear of each individual card burning away, stuck close to his skin by waterlogged clothing as he dragged himself ashore gasping and choking on sea and blood and smoke. Having been left by marines that assumed he would drown because- perhaps pointed out by one that had deceived him, made Mihawk believe they were his friend to be led back to his family:

"No freak like that could exist without having eaten the devil's fruit."

How could he forget the embers escaping, dancing in the evening gloam like fireflies swarming around him? There were so many.. now there are none and gods he's been so empty since. How could such a small piece of paper take so much of him? To kill a man with a blade, even butchering him inelegantly, would be a greater mercy so long as he was dead.

Nowadays Mihawk knows better. Knows better than to trust or be trusted. That blades might chip and tarnish but they dont burn, never completely.

Yoru hums and sings in his hands as he wields her and she does not feel like home.. but she feels solid and eternal and cold. She will never burn. Her weight is bearable.

Impersonal.

Professional.

Yoru makes death an art in his hands. She is the brush not the paper, spattering fireflies over a night sky.

. . .

For years after, he kept far from others. Deciding to never get so close to anyone ever again. Safe in the knowledge he would never feel the burning sting of loss nor the cold cut of betrayal so acutely. Trust was a double edged blade, perhaps the only one he truly couldn't handle.

He was no protector.. so he wouldn't try to be.

Instead Mihawk would hunt. Chasing the marines mercilessly. Cutting a bloody path through their ranks and burning their fucking fortresses to the ground. At first they spoke of him as an insane lone swordsman, then a one man army, then a monster, a demon. The relentless yellow eyed freak that stalked the seas and nightmares of future vice admirals.

He systematically killed all those that harmed him. A shadow over the shore, a rogue wave swallowing their ships, a curse of vengeance come to reap. He destroyed all the records of his crew that he could get his hands on. If he must be cursed to slowly forget them over time, then the world government didnt deserve their memory either.

And so on it went for a time. Long enough for the hunt to lose its luster. Slaughtering sheep by the herd in search of a rare wolf.

Mihawk had almost forcibly forgotten about Vivre cards as a concept. His own remained untouched, never moving from where he hid it. He had no friends, no family, no nakama. Only a dwindling list of worthy foes to test himself against.

Until the day the king of pirates died. Until their golden age truly began.

Until he met Shanks, who held out a hand and asked him to step out of the monochrome past and into a thousand possible vibrant futures. Ones of lush reds and glittering golds, of polished onyx black and the purest, deepest blue.

.

"Here," Shanks said suddenly one night, holding out a small scrap of paper. The both of them were perched atop the ruins of a high sea wall on some remote island, enjoying the cold breeze from the north after a hard fought duel.

Mihawk, for all his composure, blanched. "What is that?" He knew and he did not take it.

"What do you think it is? Its a piece of my card." He said it so simply. Like it barely occured to him how precious such a thing was. Shanks didn't drop his arm, even as the silence stretched out between them.

"No."

"Come on, Takanome- Dont be like that! We're nak--"

"Rivals." He cut the younger man off abruptly. His chest felt too hot and too tight, burning and burning and, "We are rivals, Akagami."

Shanks must've been pouting, he could hear it in his voice, "Even more reason for you to take it. We could duel every day if you could always find me~ Come on.. Please? I want you to have it."

"...."

Hawkeyes glanced at his best friend rival and immediately regretted it. Shank's face was always full of so much hope, so much faith in... something.. It made Mihawk's heart catch in his throat every time to see those big earnest eyes staring at him almost as if, for a moment, it was faith in him.

"I don't know if I can give you mine.." He murmured. Shanks smiled soft, a little sad, and infuriatingly understanding without needing to know anything.

"I dont need it. I know you'll always find me." He pressed his heart, his home the scrap into Mihawk's palm and closed the swordsman's fingers over it. "And if I need to find you.. I'll just ask the wind."

[rogersideup]

Nice to be Kneaded

Chapter sixteen

Crawl Home to You

Series masterlist

Previous Part: Everything will be Okay Next Part: Endgame

Word Count: 7,532

Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Mentions of medical equipment, loss, abuse, PTSD, anxiety and depression.

"Psst"

You stopped in your tracks.

Walking the empty main hall of the compound towards where Steve, Scott, Bruce and Nat were conducting a time travel test, the only sound was the echoed thumping of your sneakers against the floor.

Steve advised you to wait it out in the living room until they were done so he knew you'd be safe and sound, then he texted you that they were all done. However, that text came in the middle of a business call, so you told him you'd come down to them when it wrapped up.

So now, here you were, approaching the pull up zone outside and trying to figure out where that noise came from.

"Sunflower!" You heard the loud whisper again.

Knowing that literally everyone here but Steve only ever called you Sugar Cookie, you knew exactly who it was already.

"Where are you?" You giggled, turning around in a complete circle to find him.

Then, he bashfully turned the corner. Arm behind his back, with a cheeky, genuine smile on his face.

"What's gotten into yo-" You asked with a giggle before he fully turned the corner and you saw what he was trying to sneak around. Your laugh turned into a gasp and your jaw happily dropped. "No fucking way!"

He propped his arm up, and attached to it was the red white and blue shield. "Tony just gave it back to me. We made up, it was actually really nice."

You stepped closer to inspect it, "I can't believe I've been with you for this long and I've never seen the shield before!"

Steve laughed at your body language. Your hands were crossed behind your back, and instead of getting even closer, your few steps kept you at a comfortable distance away from it, yet you still leaned forward and squinted your eyes to see all of its details.

"Are you so happy to have it back?" You asked, looking up at him for a brief moment to see his facial expression.

"It's like reuniting with an old friend, feels like no time has passed." His free hand lovingly pat the front of it. You still seemed very timid, and his step forward caused you to take a step back. "Are you... scared of it?"

"What? No." You denied, shaking your head.

As a test he stepped forward again but this time you stayed put. Steve gave you a confused look, unable to gauge your reaction. "You wanna touch it?"

He extended his arm out to you, and you shook your head again. "I can't just touch it!" You exclaimed like he had gone absolute mad.

"Why not?" He asked with a laugh.

"Why not?! I don't even want to breathe too hard near it! That's like an artifact, dude! Are you crazy?!" You explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I have lotion on my hands, and it's gonna get all over it."

"Baby, it's made out of the strongest metal on earth." Steve explained, gently grabbing your wrist and placing your palm flat to the front of it. "See? Nice shield!"

"Woaaahhhh, that's so cool." Your face turned from concerned to amazed before you ran your finger around the grooves. Then, you made a cheeky big smile at Steve, "Can I hold it?"

"Wow, quick turn around time" He noted how fast you went from 0 to 100 as he pulled his arm out of the straps.

He instructed you to hold your arm out before sliding it through one strap, and to grip the other in your palm.

"How's she feeling?" Steve asked. "I can make it tighter."

"It feels so cool!" You said giddily.

"Looks even cooler, Baby" His heart melted at the sight of his love holding it.

"What do you think? Should I get me one of these?" You asked.

"I think you need lots of training and a small lump some of money to obtain this much vibrainum, but I believe in you!" He kissed your cheek and started guiding you down the hallway again, right back towards his room.

"Sooooo, how did the test run go?" You asked, walking tall and proud with the shield on your arm.

"Not too great. We accidentally tuned Scott into a baby and an old man. But pay no mind to any of that because Tony is here, and he figured it out. So he's going to build a real time travel machine, oh- and Rocket and Nebula just got here too. Rocket and Bruce are going to go get Thor."

"Steve..."

"What?" He questioned nonchalantly.

"Is Scott back to normal?" You asked. "Why did you just brush over that part?"

"Oh yeah, he's back to Scott-ish age now." He confirmed.

"Okay great." You giggled.

"Woah!" Sounded from behind you.

Admittedly, it scared you at first. You didn't hear any footsteps, and you definitely didn't sense anyone nearing. You jumped, shrieked, and dropped the shield straight into the floor.

Steve laughed and he swiftly bent down to pick it up, and you turned to address the terrifying elephant in the room.

None other than Tony stark. "Sugar cookie stuck around, huh?"

"Nice to see you again, Mr. Stark." You greeted him while puffing out a breath and clutching your chest.

"She's polite." Tony acknowledged, Steve nodded with pride. "Just Tony works."

"Oh, sorry." You apologized for using an incorrect title.

"Rogers, didn't I just tell you to keep that under wraps because I didn't bring enough for everyone?" Tony joked, pointing at the shield.

"What could I say? She just looked so cute holding it" Steve justified.

"She looked even cuter dropping it." Tony joked. Then his eyes met yours. "You really are beautiful by the way, thanks for sticking around. Contrary to popular belief around here, I do like seeing Rogers happy."

"Thank you, Tony. I'm happy to be here." You responded politely, unsure of how to let your guard drop around the billionaire.

"Steve, meeting room in 10. We have a lot of thinking to do." Tony told Steve, then turned to you. "Would it be inappropriate to tell you o could really go for some brownies right now?"

"No, not at all." You shook your head. "I'll get right on it... Do you happen to know if Raccoons can eat chocolate?"

"This isn't about the build-a-bear." Tony shook his head. "Okay, gotta go. Kinda have half the universe counting on me to build a Time Machine."

And just like that, he walked off.

You sighed. "When he says it like that, I guess he really does deserve some brownies."

Steve giggled and leaned down to kiss your cheek. "I'm guessing you're headed off to the store now?"

"Depends. Do the Avengers have any dark cocoa powder handy?"

With his free hand, Steve reached into his back pocket and handed you the keys to his car. "Nobody here is smart enough to know how to bake anything. Of course we don't have cocoa powder."

You laughed at his statement, a little snort passed through. "I just love you so much, Stevie."

"I can tell, nobody would put up with any of this for any other reason." He acknowledged. "I love you too, Baby."

You rocked up on your tippy toes to give him a kiss. "Use your big brain, smarty pants. They need it."

"Oh, and by the way," Steve started, smug look on his face. "If you're holding the shield and you get scared, best practice is to hold it in front of you and not drop it on the floor. It can't really do much for you all the way down there."

"Yeah, yeah" You playfully rolled your eyes.

Over the next few days, Steve watched you connect with the team in ways he wasn't quite sure he's ever had. Honestly, it came quite naturally for you.

If someone was upset, it's like your brain didn't even have to think about what to do. You'd autopilot hugs and comforting words. And if someone needed a break to rest their tired brain, they'd always come to you for some fun conversation. If anyone fell asleep, you were there to throw a blanket over them.

No matter how happy it made him, he reminded you time and time again that you didn't have to stick around if you didn't want to. The conversations they were having were heavy, and he could tell a lot of them took a toll on you regardless of your efforts to not show that they did.

But you knew you wouldn't be able to sleep at night without being here for him. You wanted to make sure he was okay first and foremost, and you knew he couldn't sleep at night if you weren't there. It was a tricky balance, but one you'd do almost anything to keep the scales from tipping.

Steve had warned you not to get too attached to any of the team, he told you realistically how it works. They get along and work well together, but when the mission was done they all went back to their separate lives. He knew you and your sweet as sugar heart, and he wanted to protect it from the reality of the people he surrounded you with.

Perhaps Sam, Bucky and Nat were the exceptions. He always knew they would be there for him no matter what. Oh how he wished you could've met Bucky, he knew the two of you would be like two peas in a pod.

But in the time it took to get the whole team assembled and the machine built, he could tell his advice to you had flown out the window.

You and Nat were just too precious to separate. And Thor; sweet, poor Thor. He was really having a rough time, and you just couldn't help yourself from comforting him. Steve saw Thor bond with you in a way he had never quite seen him bond with anyone before. You made Rocket how very own tray of blondies since he definitely couldn't eat the brownies. He even saw Tony giving you business advice, that spiraled into him giving you opinions on everything about the new bakery you were working tirelessly on. Tony complemented your business model and taste in interior design on multiple occasions, which was a very high compliment.

Two days before they decided the machine was good enough for a test run, Steve decided that's when he would feel most comfortable bringing you home.

Everything in him was screaming to get you to safety, but his heart was screaming to never let you go. So, he decided the day he brought you home he'd spend the night at home with you, then go back the next morning. He knew a little bit of peace away from the craziness would help him go into the mission with a stronger, more rested mind.

Honestly, driving through the neighborhood with one hand on the steering wheel and the other hand being held between both of yours, he had never been so sure that this was his home now.

Even in just the relatively short time away, he missed everything about it. Your shared home, the bed, the running trails, the lake view lookout cliffs, and breakfast burritos from the diner.

He even almost missed the feeling of being watched by Georgia's careful eyes every time he simply exited near the view of her living room window.

When the two of you pulled up the driveway, put the car in park and turned off the transmission, he looked over at you. You were lost in thought, staring out of the window with no awareness to your surroundings. Steve felt a little crack in your heart knowing exactly what you were thinking about.

"Baby," he squeezed your hand, grabbing your attention. "You'll see them again, okay?"

You grinned and squeezed his hand right back. "I just want you guys to stay safe, that's all."

"We will be." He nodded. "You have to know that saving the world is the goal but getting home to you is number one priority. We all have too much to lose to put anything on the line."

You leaned over the center console to give him a kiss. "I trust you."

Instead of a response, his eyes were open when you pulled away, staring straight ahead. Instead of asking what he was looking at, you followed his eyes and saw Georgia conveniently out on her porch.

Rather than the perfectly put together version of Georgia everyone knew, she looked... off. Rather than a proper outfit, she was in comfortable clothes. The color in her face looked drained, other than her cheeks which were blushed pink.

This time you weren't so sure she came out to see what the two of you were up to. Especially when she slowly walked towards the railing of her porch and barely made it the few steps it took to get there. Stumbling over her own two feet to grab onto the railing, and even when she wasn't walking, she was slowly swaying like she couldn't even stand up.

"Something's wrong." You mumbled, unsure if it was to yourself or the superhero in the drivers seat.

You could tell he was thinking the same thing as you, and every issue you've ever had with her completely flew out of the window and wasn't even a thought in either of your minds as you both un-clicked your seatbelts and got out of the car as fast as you could.

Your legs carried yourself over to her faster than you even looked both ways to check for cars before crossing the street. Steve's legs were longer, they got him to her first. He walked up her porch stairs two at a time before putting his hand on her shoulder to steady her.

"Are you alright?" He questioned, full of concern.

"I'm sorry, I just haven't been feeling good an-" She started explaining, before noticing you approaching right behind Steve.

"What's wrong, Georgia?" You wanted her to keep going.

"Baby, you know I wouldn't be asking for help if I didn't need it." She told you.

You were even more worried as you could hear shakiness and mumbling in her voice. She could barely separate words on her tongue, the syllables were slurring together.

"It's okay, tell me what's going on." You reassured her, caring a lot more about her well being than anything that's happened between the three of you.

Steve was already three steps ahead of this situation. He was looking around and making a plan in his head, he knew just by looking at her that she was very very sick with something. Just with one hand on her shoulder he could feel the heat radiating off of her yet her arms had visible goosebumps.

"I just have the flu or something, but I can't go- go to the store to get any medicine." She slurred.

Her swaying was getting worse, eyes growing heavier by the moment. Getting increasingly more concerned by the second, Steve had to make a judgment call.

"Baby." Steve got your attention, now with one hand on Georgia's back and another on her upper arm. "Call the paramedics." He mouthed as to not make Georgia more concerned.

You nodded, understanding why he didn't speak it out loud. "I'm going to go grab you a few things from my house, why don't you let Steve take you inside so you can get comfortable okay? I'll be right back."

"Really I'm f-fine. Just need some cold medicine or someth-" She didn't finish her sentence.

"Georgia?" Steve tried getting her to respond, but her eyes closed.

Having already bracing for this, Georgia became unconscious and fell backwards onto Steve, but he caught her gracefully before she even had a chance to come close to the floor.

You pulled out the phone and immediately called for an ambulance as Steve set her down as gently as he possibly could before sitting down next to her and rolling her head to the side.

He was worried with a fever this high she would have a seizure following the loss of consciousness, and while you were on the phone, your big concerned eyes found his calm ones.

You answered all the questions as best you could before the dispatcher told you the paramedics would be there as soon as they could, then you hung up.

Calm as a clam, Steve sat with her with a watchful eye.

"Do you want to stay with her, or do you want to grab me a few things in the meantime?" He asked.

"I'll stay" you nodded, feeling overwhelmed and worried sick.

"Okay, I'll be right back." He nodded, swiftly standing up and jogging across the street.

He came back not even a full minute later with everything he needed to start treatment while waiting for proper medical care.

You watched as he slipped a pillow from the porch swing under her head, then put a cold wet rag on her forehead, and put down a cold water bottle just in case she woke up. Sitting down next to you on the ground, he reached out and let you play with his hand.

"She'll be okay" He explained. "I think she has a really high fever and hasn't been trying to keep it down enough. They'll probably take her and keep her for a few days, but it's an easy fix. Nothing to be worried about."

"How do you know?" You questioned sadly.

"I spent the first 23 years of my life sick as a dog." He grinned emphatically. "I know because I've been here so many times before."

You nodded silently and played with his fingers before a quiet tear slipped down your cheek and you tried your hardest to not alert Steve of your emotions, but he was always far more observant than you ever hoped he would be.

"Hey, baby." Steve pouted. "Talk to me, are you scared?"

"I'm sad." You corrected. "I care about her and love her so much, and I still do even after all this time and everything that's happened. I don't understand why it has to be like this."

"I'm sorry, Honey." Steve pouted. Though unspoken, his apology had a double meaning. I'm sorry it had to be this way, and I'm sorry for being the wedge in the strained relationship.

"I could've been here taking care of her had she just heard me out and opened her heart to you. It never had to be this way. It should've never come to this." You shook your head. "And now I feel guilty that she's alone. I feel like I have everyone and she has no one."

"That's not your fault." Steve reminded you gently. "You aren't the one who decided for any of this to happen."

"I hope she can see that I still love her, and that you're a good man when all of this is said and done because I hate this stupid grudge."

Although Steve still admittedly hated what she did to you, and wanted to be petty and hold onto it for as long as he could, he understood where you were coming from.

It reminded him of his relationship with Tony. There was a long time in which he thought it was past the point of reconciliation, but not all things were impossible, and the love he had for him never went away.

"You have the best heart, and she's lucky to still be loved by you even after all this time" Steve told you, both of you could hear sirens blaring in the distance.

"She has a sister I should call, do you think I should go to the hospital with her?"

"I think you should do whatever will make you feel like you're doing the right thing." Steve advised you. "I know this is tricky, there's no right or wrong answer, but what we already did was the right thing to do. Anything else is above and beyond."

The sirens got too loud to even respond to him, and the paramedics rushed up to to take her and treat her with urgency. But no matter how quickly they worked, a few concerned neighbors still came out to ask you and Steve about what was going on.

Apparently the nice couple two doors down from her had formed a pretty close friendship, and the wife made a pretty mindless decision to get into the back of the ambulance with her with almost no second thought. It did a lot to ease your mind, especially knowing she wasn't as along as you once thought she was.

After calling her sister who also assured you that she was on her way to the hospital, you felt a lot better and decided to stay home and spend time with Steve who would be quite literally traveling through time in just a short day away.

Eventually you dragged your two feet through the front door, Steve closing it and locking it behind you as you kicked off your shoes.

"Straight to the couch, young lady. I don't want to hear any if's, and's, or butt's about it!" Steve joked.

You followed his instructions with giggle and you plopped down right before he did. It wasn't long before he had you cuddled up to him, with the fluffy blanket on top of the two of you.

Face to face, he gently pushed your hair behind your ear before letting his palm warm your cheek.

"Thank you for helping her even though you had no reason to." You spoke quietly. With barely any distance, words didn't need to travel far anyways.

"I always have a reason to. Helping is what I do best."

Non-verbally agreeing with him, you came to terms with your own thoughts. "These next few days are going to be really hard."

"They will be, I don't think there's anyway we can sugar coat that." Steve agreed. "But I believe in our ability to get through hard times together."

"There's no one else I'd rather be by my side."

"Couldn't agree more." He grinned. "Can I add two more codes to the sunflowers?"

"What do you want to add?" You asked.

"I think in case of emergency, we should do 4 blinks." He suggested gently.

"But there's not going to be an emergency." You raised an eyebrow.

"If course there isn't" Steve agreed with you, though you both knew the chance was pretty high. "And on the contrary I think one long blink should signal that I'm okay. I want you to have peace of mind and a quick way to communicate that to you whenever we need it."

"Ooh, I love that one!" You enthused, earning the sweetest smile from your favorite boy.

"I knew you would"

"What do you want to do before you leave in the morning?" You questioned, fully devoted to making him as happy and relaxed as possible.

"You." He stated smugly.

You gasped and your cheeks immediately turned pink before hiding your face into his neck. He laughed as you squealed like a teenage girl, because even after all these years his sexual comments still pulled great reactions out of you. "Naughty!... but I think we can arrange that."

"You're so cute" he giggled, now cradling the back of your head with his hand.

"I'm trying to hide that I'm blushing!"

"Well it's not so secret anymore, is it?"

You lifted your head to glare at him, and sure enough, your cheeks were painted rosy pink. "What else do you want to do?"

"This is fine by me." Steve shrugged. "Just wanna spend time with you."

"You want a breakfast burrito tomorrow morning, don't you?" You narrowed your eyes.

"I want to spend time eating breakfast burritos with you." He reiterated,

"I know how to read in between the lines, Baby." You giggled.

Besides the forefront of your mind being full of concern over Georgia, Steve, and the Avengers, the two of you managed to spend a really nice day away from the chaos.

You slipped in one phone call to make sure Georgia was okay, then the rest of your time was occupied by Steve and Steve only. Long conversations ranging from heavy topics to funny ones that made the two of you laugh so hard you couldn't breathe, to making sweet sweet love that never failed to make you feel so appreciated and your souls interconnected.

And just as important as making you feel loved during sex was to Steve, making sure you felt just as loved after the fact was arguably even higher priority for him. He never could let go of hearing all the ways you were used and manipulated in the past. All he ever wanted was to make a life for you in which you never had to even be worried about feeling that way every again.

Every single year you've been together has been a constant reminder to him that you always felt safe, loved, and the most comfortable version of yourself when he was around. But that didn't mean he would ever stop being as attentive as he could to you. And you loved to return the favor to him as well.

So after the fun came even more fairytale romantic intimacy in the form of a long, hot shower. The two of you washed each others hair, exchanged kisses, sweet words, and his strong hands even gave you a nice relaxing shoulder massage.

One thing he quickly learned is that a baker's shoulders were always tense, always over worked, and most of the time your right shoulder was hurting you. So some shoulder rubs always released mental and physical tension, and it almost always made you sleepy.

That night Steve felt a sense of accomplishment when he successfully lulled you to sleep after being convinced you wouldn't sleep a single wink until the mission was over, Georgia was no longer sick, and everyone was home safe.

But when the two of you cuddled in up in nothing more than a sports bra, some underwear, and your softest blankets, the warmth and comfort of his bare skin and sweet words sent you straight to dreamland without even processing that it was happening.

Not a single thought in your brain could keep you awake when it was full of nothing but thoughts of how much you loved him, and how lucky you were to be loved by the gentle giant.

When his big frame engulfed you like the cutest little teddy bear, your soft and even breathing always knocked him out quickly too. Though the two of you weren't quite married yet, he was a firm believer in the happy wife, happy wife notion.

You woke up the morning of his departure a lot less relaxed than you were last night, and you could tell that was the case for him too considering he was awake, yet quietly hiding away with his face shoved into your chest and the blankets pulled up to his ear.

For as long as the two of you could afford, you played with the short hair on the back of his head, squeezed him tight and peppered gentle kisses to the crown of his skull.

"Good morning, handsome." You spoke quietly, only to be responded with by him shaking his head. You laughed and gave him another kiss knowing he definitely wasn't ready to start the day.

A few more minutes of cuddles later, he finally poked his head and peaked at you through his eyelashes. "G'morning."

"Maybe if we keep sleeping you don't have to leave." You suggested, feeling the mutual dread over the lack of unknown.

"I just tried that, it didn't work." Steve pouted.

Your arms squeezed him as tight as they could for just a few seconds, and he appreciated every second of you trying to love him to death. That was until his phone ringing interrupted the peace.

He groaned in complaint while you reached over to grab it for him. "It's Tony"

"Let it go to voice mail." Steve half joked.

"You want me to send Tony Stark to voice mail?" You raised an eyebrow.

"It helps keep him humble" He rolled into his back, squinting his eyes to hide them from the harsh daylight.

You clicked the answer button and put Steve's phone to your ear. "Hello, Anthony."

"Oh, even lovelier than hearing Rogers' voice in the morning." He commented. "Where is he, by the way?"

"He's really busy right now." You joked with a smile, everyone knew it was bullshit. He was now hiding his eyes in the ditch of his elbow.

"I'm just gonna assume he's pooping. How are you? Happy to be home?"

"I'm great, but I miss you already."

Steve let out a little complaint, he couldn't believe how well you and Tony got along. He should've expected it, you got along with everyone, but there was something about Tony being able to butter you up that just really got under his skin. He poked your ribs, so you put the call on speaker phone.

"Miss you too, Sugar Cookie. I've been meaning to ask you. When are you and Rogers getting married? If he hasn't proposed yet just let me know and I'll pester him about it. I'll even pitch in for a ring, make sure it's real pretty."

"You're so inva-" Steve started.

"Helpful. Thank you." You cut him off.

"That got him here quick!" Tony noted.

"I think the wedding will be sometime next year, but I'll make sure you get a hand delivered invitation."

"Steve? Do you need some money?" Tony asked, earning a laugh from you.

"I'm more than fine, Tony. I have a big boy job." Steve denied.

"Oh! It's actually funny you bring that up because I was talking to a few of your colleagues, they were all thinking we do the whole time heist thing today instead of tomorrow. So if you want to keep your big boy job to buy that rock we were just talking about, you should probably get here like... soon-ish."

"Okay, then I'll be there soon-ish." He agreed.

"How soon is soon and how ish-y is the ish?" Tony asked.

"Well the soon part is the whole flying a jet thing, and the ish is eating a breakfast burrito and getting dressed so give me 2 hours."

"Hey sugar cookie?" Tony called your attention.

"What's up?"

"When this is all done, Team party at the bakery?"

"The doors are always open for you guys." You agreed.

"Great. See you soon. Rogers, see you soon-ish." Tony said before hanging up.

Both of you dragged yourselves out of bed to put some clothes on and eat breakfast together before sending him off.

Outside of the diner you two hovered next to his car, leaning on it, trying to selfishly take every single moment you could. He briefed you on everything that would go down, you soaked up the information, and unfortunately it was time to say goodbye.

"Remember, I'll be gone for a few hours, but for you it'll only be a few minutes. I'll let you know when I get back by holding down the sunflower, okay?"

"Okay. One long glow." You nodded. "You're going to do great, Baby. And by all means, you're fucking time traveling. Enjoy it, but be safe."

"Always." He squeezed your hands. "I've got the most important thing in the whole world right here, nothing else comes before that. Shit, even if I die and they bury me underneath a concrete slab, you best believe I'm climbing my way out and crawling my way home to you"

"First of all, don't say that. Second of all, don't even think that. Third of all, that sounds horrifying. And fourth of all, that's really sweet, thank you." You schooled him with a giggle.

"I just love you that much!" He enthused.

"I love you too." You smiled. "I'd help dig you out, by the way."

"Teamwork makes the dream work." He cupped your cheeks and gave you a kiss. "When you see that I'm back, stay home, alright? We don't know what the world is going to look like when we bring everyone back. I want you to stay safe too."

"Got it" You agreed with a nod, and one more kiss. "You still have your good luck charm?"

"That $20 was the first thing that made it to my new suit." He reassured you.

"Perfect. Go get 'em Soldier."

"Yes ma'am." He followed your orders, opening his car door. "I love you!"

"I love you more."

Upon his departure, you knew you needed to keep yourself busy. So you decided to eat your own pride and bring a bouquet of flowers to the hospital to check up on Georgia and hopefully start the mend of your broken relationship.

She was asleep when you got there, but her sister let you know she was doing well and will be home tomorrow. Not wanting to disrupt, you left the flowers then made your way back to your second home.

The bakery welcomed you in with the smell of fresh baked cookies and a warm waft of air from the ovens that felt like a big hug.

Time always flew by when you became truly focused on running the place and taking care of orders, but it was never enough to completely rid you of the knot in your stomach you were trying so hard to ignore all day long.

Before you knew it, your sunflower lit up with a big long glow as you were adding on final touches to the cake on your turn table. The last one of the day. You send him a little three glow message to acknowledge that he was back safe and that you loved him before wrapping up at the bakery and heading home like he told you too.

The sun was starting its decent as you were getting comfortable at home. You had gotten into pajamas, pulled your hair back into a ponytail, and cleaned the kitchen as you anticipated hearing all the details about Steve's day.

You wondered where exactly he had gone, what year he went to and what happened while he was there. It took a lot to hold back your desperate yearning to call him, you knew he was probably busy and exhausted from the day he had.

The calmness in your heart turned into a brick in your stomach when you got a text, and clicked the notification on your screen.

Steve: Hey baby, Danielle is on her way to our place right now. Please call me when she gets there <3

Danielle was a decorator of yours at the bakery back before the snap. She quickly became a very close friend of yours and Steve's through the years. Though she left the bakery for a corporate job, she was always there for you both when you needed her.

The knowledge of her arrival and him wanting to talk to you after made your heart thump out of your chest and your legs weaken with anxiety. You knew Steve. If there was bad news he couldn't deliver straight to your face, he would never give it to you over phone or text if he knew you were alone.

So sending a trusted and close friend over to you for support and company before laying it on you was definitely what was about to happen.

It was barely even five whole minutes before there was a gentle knock on the door, and you rushed to open if like your life depended on it.

She stood there with a sad, sympathetic look on her face. She was in sweatpants and a shirt much like you, a bag slung on her shoulder. The pout on her lips and big eyes full of dread told you that there was definitely something wrong.

"Dani, what happened?" You didn't even bother saying hello, this was way beyond that. "Steve told me he was okay. He's okay, right?

She stepped inside your house, and quickly set her bag down. "He's fine, I just talked to him. But you need to call him, he will tell you everything."

You sunk into yourself, and Danielle wrapped her arm around you. "Come on, let's get comfortable on the couch."

With hands so shaky and legs so wobbly did just that before you grabbed your phone, and called Steve. It barely even rang once before he picked up.

"Hi, Sunflower." He spoke, you could hear the bad news in his voice before he even said what happened. He sounded sad, his voice hoarse, raspy, and deeper than usual.

"Oh baby." You felt a physical pain in your chest just from him speaking two greeting words to you. It was like you could feel his pain. "What happened? I thought everything was okay?"

"The mission is okay, we got all six of the stones. We're working on getting them in the gauntlet. But, Honey..."

"No. No buts. You always tell me no buts." Your heart cracking more and more by the second.

"I know. I'm so sorry I have to tell you this but Nat, she's gone." He finally got the words out.

"What do you mean she's gone?" You needed him to clarify, pure disbelief and denial racing through your mind.

"We didn't realize the soul stone was only retrievable with a trade. A soul for a soul. She sacrificed herself. I'm so sorry." That's when the tears started. You hurt for yourself, the amount of grief that flooded over you felt immense, but mostly you hurt for Steve. Steve was in a family of four before he met you. Him, Sam, Bucky and Nat. Nat was the only one he had left and now she was gone in an instant. "I know you two were close, and I hope you know how much your friendship meant to her. You really were a light in her life especially recently when things felt so dark. She told me all the time how much she loved you."

"Can't you just go back again? Just get her?" You cried.

"I wish we could." He gently denied, his own tears flowing quietly. "This is irreversible, we would do anything to get her back if we could. You know I would."

"I'm so sorry, Honey. Are you okay?" You questioned feeling so awful for him.

"I'm devastated." He admitted, his voice shook even though he was trying to be strong. "But we still have a job to do. We can't let her have died for nothing."

Understanding the heartbreak and unfathomable amount of pressure this added to his shoulders, all you wanted to do was hug him. "I wish I could be there for you."

"This is awful." Steve cried and laughed at the same time. "I'd do anything just to be with you, yet the only thing that would make me feel worse than having you states away is having you here in the compound. I need you to be safe."

"I know, I know." You understood where he was coming from. "How's everyone handling it?"

"Everyone is upset and not it great spirits, but again, we have to keep going." Steve sighed. "It's been a really long day."

"I could only imagine." You shook your head with a sad sniffle. Half of your sadness was hearing him cry on the phone and not being able to do anything about it.

"We're going to rest up tonight, and finish this damn thing in the morning. I'll be home the very second I can be."

"Okay, but try to take care of yourself in the meantime. You can't be saving the world without saving yourself first." You reminded him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Steve asked you sympathetically.

"Obviously this is devastating, but I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me."

"I always worry about you." He denied your claim.

"I know you do." He managed to pull a smile out of you. "But don't let that distract you from the bigger goal here."

There was a pause on his end, a sad sniffle, then a sigh. "I'm exhausted."

"It'll be over soon, Baby." You reminded him, but deep down you knew exactly what he meant.

He wasn't sleepy, his body wasn't sore and his mind was alright beyond the obvious, but there were unspoken truths about his life recently that he just couldn't get himself to verbalize.

Steve was exhausted of being Captain America.

You knew that without him even having to say it straight to your face. He told you in little ways, like how every time he left Greenwood to report to duty his feet would drag out of the house and his back would slump. When he was gone away from you, your sunflower would light up so much sometimes you were concerned that whatever was inside of it to make it glow would burn out one day. Then when he got back, the very first thing he would do after greeting you was put all of his tactical gear completely out of sight so he could get it out of his mind.

Just as secretly as he kept his longing for a life where Cap wasn't around anymore, you secretly hoped he was catching on to your subtle reassurance that there was so much more to him than the stars and strips he's worn since he was only 23 years old.

The complexities of his existence never ceased to amaze you, and much like you felt since the moment you found out the cutie next door was a superhero, his job was one of the least important qualities you found in him.

His sensitive heart, compassion, and love for life would always remain regardless of the status of a shield on his arm and a star on his chest.

You didn't need him to be strong, you just needed him to be happy.

Truly, wholly, and undeniably happy.

So when you said it would be over soon, you hoped he understood that you already knew what was to come. All you wanted was to help him make peace with what you already knew.

Steve Rogers always has been and always will be enough.

You were met with more silence. He was completely shut down, and that broke your heart even more. You knew he never used to be like this, he'd tell you all the stories from before the Civil War about how he lived his life bouncing from mission to mission, plucking off one threat at a time all while meeting and losing people along the way without a single glance at what happened behind him.

What broke your heart even more was that you knew he'd wake up tomorrow morning and put on his brave face. Not a single complaint, not a single tear, not a single speck of anything considered to be a lack of bravery would slip past him just so everyone on the team would have someone to look to.

"I miss this morning." He admitted, breaking down as a deep inner thought slipped passed his composure.

"There's going to be another morning tomorrow." You wiped tears off your cheeks, Danielle wrapped her arms around you and hugged you tight."But then there will be another morning the day after tomorrow, and it'll only get a little better every day after that. You remind me of that all of the time."

"Even just hearing your voice has made me feel infinitely better."

"Call me whenever you need to, okay? Even if it's in the middle of the night I'll be here for you." You reminded him.

"Same goes to you, you know that."

"Of course I do. But you seem tired, I think you should get some well deserved rest."

As you said that, he allowed your words to be true in his mind. He did deserve rest.

"If all goes well, I'll see you tomorrow."

"It's going to be just fine, so I will see you tomorrow."

"I'll dream of you until then." Steve said, making your tears fall just a little harder because you still didn't know what you did to deserve to be loved the way he loved you. "I love you, Sunflower."

"Goodnight, Honey. I love you too."

When the line disconnected, you accepted the big hug your best friend wrapped you up in and all the way in New York Steve dug his face into his pillow, and clutched the pillow you slept on not even a full 48 hours ago to his chest.

Regardless of the distance, you both hoped that the result of tomorrow promised a better future and a long, happy life chalk full of everyone you loved.

If anyone could do that for you, and the whole universe, it was Steve Rogers. He was more than enough.

Next: Endgame

Tag list: @patzammit @bemysugarbean @buckymydarlingangel @happinessinthebeing @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @differenttyphoonwerewolf @themotherof10 @talesofadragon @spikeluv84 @avid-fic-reader @royalwriteroftheuniverse @whiskeytangofoxtrot555 @bitchy-bi-trash @crazyunsexycool @openup-yourmind @selella @kattreffic @benedict-squirtle @magnificentsaladllama @theroyalmanatee @calwitch @avengersinitiative2012 @rogersbarber @daddywattpad4945

[christianobangnaldour]

introduction post ❤︎︎

about me :

my name is Grace and I have been a reality shifter for close to 3 years now.

I am from New Zealand 🇳🇿🇳🇿🇳🇿🔥🔥🔥 also a major k-pop fan !! my ult groups are stray kids (major), itzy, tomorrow x together and kiss of life 🤞 though I stan like 10 other groups too 💀✋

my current bias and bias wrecker(s) from each of my ults:

skz bias: bang chan

skz wrecker(s): generally it’s the rest of the group 💀 but my main bias wreckers for the longest time have been hyunjin and seungmin 😞✋

itzy bias: chaeryeongg

itzy wrecker(s): 2shinz 😞😞 (yuna and ryujin)

txt bias: yeonjun

txt wrecker(s): beomgyu and kai ‼️

kiof bias: JULIEEE

kiof wrecker(s): haneul 🤩

I have shifted 5x before, back in late 2022, though I took a break from shifting for my mental health and have not shifted since then. I have been on my journey towards shifting again since I ended my shifting break in May of 2023 :)

So far I have shifted to All Of Us Are Dead (a K-Drama) 4x, and I have shifted to Miraculous Ladybug 1x.

I am 16 years old, and the cut-off for people I would like to interact with my blog is probably 25, maybe younger too depending on how weird people get (I am a little weird myself, but I will not hesitate to block you if I find your interactions with my blog disturbing).

and please please PLEASE if you are an anti-shifter, do NOT interact with my blog. I DO NOT need your negative energy in my safe haven, you will be immediately BLOCKED. please do not interact with me and go take your negativity out on something useful in your life for once.

my main DRs (currently) :

STARGIRLS (my own K-Pop girl group DR)

Stray Kids 9th Member

Better CR (I have 2 different ones)

R U NEXT? contestant/I-LAND2 contestant/IZNA member (ik very long but it will be easier to get the jist of it when I introduce it)

(p.s. I will do a little introduction to all of these DRs soon :))

OTHER DRS I HAVE :

Miraculous Ladybug (my first script and the first place I shifted to 🤞)

All Of Us Are Dead (2nd place I shifted to and also where I have shifted the most so far in my shifting journey)

Mean Girls

Itzy 6th Member

TXT 6th Member

Enhypen 8th Member

Own Survival Show (basically I created a k-pop survival show for a DR and participated in it)

Life in Korea/Dating a K-Pop Idol

K-Idol High School

Life in Korea/High School in Korea

Alice in Borderland

Sweet Home

True Beauty

Vincenzo

M1XTAPE (another own k-pop girl group)

ICON1C (yet another own k-pop girl group except this one is an early 3rd gen group while my other ones are early 4th gen groups)

Jujutsu Kaisen

Naruto

K-Pop Soloist

Welcome to Samdal-ri

A Business Proposal

XO, KITTY (shhh it’s only for Minho)

K-Drama character High School (basically where I go to school with a bunch of characters from my favourite K-Dramas)

Wednesday

Victorious

Never Have I Ever

Descendants

Barbie Princess Charm School (YES I’M SHIFTING TO MY FAV OG BARBIE MOVIES CUZ WHY NOT 😝)

Barbie Fairy Secret

Barbie Mermaid Tale

Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse (imagine how fun would it be to be friends with Raquelle 🤭🤭)

Good Morning Call (my man Daichi needs justice after Nao rejected him for the walking talking breathing red flag 😞✋)

(oh also p.s. a lot of these are unfinished scripts that I scrapped bc I get distracted by a new DR idea like every week 💀🙏 I might also do some introductions for a few of these DRs too since some of them I am still really excited about and want to share with y’all 🙃)

DO NOT INTERACT :

anti-shifters (I can never say this enough)

k-pop haters (pls just leave me and my silly obsession alone 😞)

people who judge others desired realities (THIS IS A SAFE HAVEN FOR A REASON Y’ALL)

people who spread misinformation about shifting

people who pressure and manipulate others into sharing their shifting stories (literally if they don’t want to share their experience in their DR LEAVE THEM TF ALONEEE !! it’s THEIR desired reality not YOURS. people are not obliged to tell their stories if they don’t feel comfortable doing so bozo)

generally anybody over 25. like I stated before, I will block you if your interactions are too disturbing for me (regardless of age), though if you are just a shifter in their 20s wanting to interact with me then feel free ☺️ I just made the cut off 25 because I don’t feel comfortable speaking with anybody older than that just for my safety. oh also I am not open to DMs from anybody over the age of 18 also for my safety, but feel free to send me asks tho !!

ot6 riize fans 👎👎 (RIIZE IS 7 !! JUSTICE FOR SEUNGHAN !! SM ENTERTAINMENT CONDONES BULLYING AND ABUSE !!)

there are a lot more that I will probably add here later but I just can’t think of them at the top of my head anymore (I literally have the memory of a goldfish goodbye 😖✋)

DO INTERACT :

funny people (PLEASE I need humorous people on this blog)

15-17 yr olds (please please PLEASE if you are a shifter in this age range, also specifically a k-pop fan too 😖 please slide into my DMs I need shifting friends my age and also more k-pop friends my age 🙏)

STAYSSSS (adding to the above statement I also NEED stay friends pls pls pls hmu on DMs if u are in my age range 🙏🙏🙏)

shifters who shift to similar DRs as me (apart from my main DRs I have like 50 other DRs that I will probably start working on again sometime)

that’s pretty much it really I’m actually very lenient on who can interact with me cus in all honesty I just wanna find my typa ppl to talk to and be friends with mahn 😭🙏 I’m a little bit weird but I promise I won’t scare you away too much 😞✋

okie dokie (yo) thank u all for reading this it’s def the most crucial part to read on my blog before exploring further 🙏 btw I am not that new to tumblr I have been on here for abt 2 months on a separate private blog to get the jist of this app before I decided to make a shifting blog 😄 I hope you guys enjoy my blog and my future upcoming posts, I will do my best to stay active on here, something that I have not been good at when it comes to social media 😣 oh also I DEFINITELY should have mentioned that I am a loud and proud yapper 🔥🔥 so this blog will be filled with a looooot of long paragraphs 😁😁

I wish you all only the best of luck during your shifts and shifting journeys, you discovered shifting for a reason ! if you weren’t meant to shift you wouldn’t have discovered shifting ! I believe in you all !! mwah 💋

[trafficblrpolyamshipbracket]

Welcome to TPSB!

Hello everyone! I have not seen a ship bracket dedicated to polyam ships, especially for ships in the Traffic Life Series / Empires / Hermitcraft sphere (and occasionally other adjacent smps) so I am creating one. Obviously, this is characters not creators and this is for fun/entertainment, so please keep this lighthearted! Now, may the most beloved polyam ship win!

Current Blog Activity: TPSB V3 Round 1 has started! Vote and create propaganda to help your polyam ship of choice advance to Round 2!

Both V1 and V2 Brackets are concluded, but I will still reblog old ship propaganda and etc. Feel free to make celebratory art of the winner and tag me! I will reblog with the TPSB propaganda tag! I don't mind promoting people for the creations they've worked on :p

TAGS

#tpsb polls

#tpsb info

#tpsb propaganda

#tpsb update

#tpsb other

INFO

Polls are set to one week and I'll post the next wave of polls soon after it ends.

If you tag this account with propaganda, I will reblog it. If it is nsfw propaganda, I will tag it with the #NSFW tag for minors/people who don't want to see it to filter out if they so choose. If it is not quite NSFW, but rather suggestive, I’ll take it #cw suggestive. Haven't run into this yet, but this is in place just in case.

Feel free to put propaganda in the ask box once the shipping starts and I will clear the queue as often as I can! I will also reblog literally anything people comment that aren't hidden in tags or whatever else, so keep that in mind.

No ship bashing/shaming please! I would like everyone to vote for a ship and not against a ship, for it's more fun that way. Not every ship is everyone’s cup of tea, but that just means you stay away from ships you don’t like. As long as it’s safe and legal, ship and let ship :D

I accept ship nominations as first come first serve, no matter how rare or bizarre it may seem to you. If you want to make sure your favorite polyam ship hits the bracket, throw it in the ask box :D

If there is a ship name attached to it, it is usually because the person who nominated the ship used that ship name. Not all ships have ship names that I know of/that I was given so they may be “wrong” or whatever else. Feel free to leave a reply or throw it in my ask box for me to add a ship name if one has it.

Once we get to the end, if all runs well and people enjoy this, there is a chance to run another bracket with a new set of submissions. New ships can be added and old ships who lost can make a comeback.

The bracket is created at random. There is only intervention in round one if the ships pitted against each other are the same plus/minus a person or if the ships feel too unevenly weighted. If so, I dragged one ship and threw it up or down and left it where it landed if that was better than before. I am human, though, and will miss stuff/make mistakes, so don't be upset if something isn't quite how you want it. This will place popular ships against each other, but I can always run another bracket after this one to give your favorite polyam ship another chance against other ships :D

Winning ships do not get run again. They claim their spot in the Winners list and then get to rest to allow other ships to have a chance to shine :D

This account is run by @deityoftherain who uses they/fae/star pronouns. As one may expect, be as wonky and fun with your headcanons and such when doing propaganda :D

CURRENT BRACKET

WINNERS

V1: Mumbo/Scar/Grian aka Mumscarian

V2: Scott/Jimmy/Tango aka Flower Ranchers

V3: TBD

[antiendovents]

Fuck. Seeing people constantly screenshot these vents and share them like "UwU antis are the idiots not us" LIKE CAN YOU FUCKING NOT? I just saw the jester systems rant about this so I know I'm not the only one but this is our safe space. A place where you can't go. GET OUT. They insist we're the ones harassing them but come into safe spaces just to mock us for venting and minding our business.

And, I know my host mentioned before that when he was pro Endo, antis politely educated him. Now Endos harass him and have doxxed him in the past and they still think WE'RE the problem?

Fuck.

I don't know what else to say. It genuinely makes me so mad. I'm this systems protector. I'll be damned if I let Endos invade these spaces and privacy without a fight.

-Night Glider

yeah,, really (pro) endos are just pathetic. Why are you bullying vulnerable people who literally just want a safe space? What's wrong with you. /Nay

We feel really bad about the situation, we created this blog to be a safe space for ourselves and others and it pisses us off that (pro) endos feel the need to try ruin that.

The endogenic community is fucking dangerous, if you support them then you aren't a safe space for victims / trauma survivors. You're dangerous. /Nay

[bunnys-lil-hideout]

hi this is basically my part 2 of my post about being a small selfship blog

that post was met with a good amount of small blogs being happy about what i had written, meanwhile there was a handful of blogs that still expressed being upset that they were so small despite the work they'd put into their stuff.

i should preface by saying, even though i've had posts get over 300+ notes, and i have over 100+ followers, im really not a big blog, and i do seriously mean that.

yes, my posts about selfship scenarios and positivity do get a good amount of notes, and lots of the tags are very positive and fun to read. but if you do look through my blog, you'll notice those are the only posts that get any attention. all my posts about my personal selfships barely get notes, i barely get any asks even when doing ask games, and i've even tried participating in those "reblog with your f/o and i'll assign them this!" posts and i dont think i've ever gotten a reply.

and yeah, the last one at least has bothered me a bit, and i wish i couldve been part of the fun, but i'll be honest— when i made my selfship blog, i literally made it to be my own corner where i can go gushy gooey crazy over my fictional men. and those posts i made about general selfshipping scenarios and such, those were me just throwing ideas at the walls so i had a place to put them and maybe a few people could see it and feel a lil better. i never intend for my stuff to get a lot of attention because honestly, i'm used to it, so my expectations are always extremely low, and i'm rarely ever upset about it not working out.

but i know for some people, that's not the same for them, and that's completely fair. they work hard on what they make, either through writing, through artwork, comics, animation, even just putting down their thoughts. its natural to have that part of you that wants to be seen and appreciated for what you made, even if it is self-indulgent and not a lot of people will relate to it.

and i am sorry to all of you who are in that boat, feeling like what you made isnt good enough because not many noticed it, that you don't have people asking about your f/os or s/is, that anything you made with love isn't getting that same response. i know it's hard, and honestly i wish i knew what i could say that would help you to feel better. but please just know that you're really not alone, and just because you aren't seen doesn't mean you aren't good enough for this community.

honestly the best advice i could try to give is that you still have a corner for where you can freely express your love for the characters that bring you happiness, and even if you don't have much of an audience, i think it's worth remembering that your f/os are your #1 supporters through and through, no matter what type of attention you get. they're happy that you love to talk about them, draw them, gush about them, even if no one sees it. they're happy that you've dedicated a space just about them.

and even if you don't get much notice out of it, please remember that you still deserve a place to feel safe and free.

it's going to be okay. i promise. please take care of yourself. its what your f/os would want, i'm sure.

[thecircularsystem]

The Future Is... What?

[ID:

Picture One: A comic page. Panel one states, in a glowing yellow text, "I don't want my future to be plural." Panel two has images of tumblr screenshots overlayed over top of one another and states, "I see these posts from people in the tags, and I'll admit..." Panel three shows Circular at their computer, looking concerned. The text says, "It worries me." Panel four shows Circular walking and states, "In my daily life, I'm a teacher. This year, I am using the correct pronouns, depending on whoever is fronting. The kids... they're good about it, for the most part." Panel five and six feature a mirrored school hallway, with the mirrored side of the image being distorted, with everyone watching the perspective character. The text is split between the panels, saying: "I have to wonder what it would be like... if they all knew the truth."

Picture Two: A comic page. Panel one shows Circular saying, "This is, obviously, my own fears." Panel two shows a series of repeating creepy eyes, overlayed on one another, and states, "The idea of all these eyes on me..." Panel three shows Circular saying, "It's clear this isn't a common fear, for plurals." Panel four says, "But I'm not plural. I'm a system." Panel five features the header image for Circular's blog, a glowing green maze with puzzle pieces in the middle, with lines tracing through to try to find the center. It states, "I am a system of puzzle pieces, and we are trying infinitely to find our place, together. My disorder is not my plurality. My disorder is trauma responses and how they prevent me from functioning." Panel six, now featuring white text, states, "But the discussions about pluralphobia and how it affects me have been forced on my non-plural shoulders... and so, I decided to finally, finally test the waters. And, remarkbly... nothing has changed."

/End ID]

Alright. Now that I'm done pretending to be an artist...

Like the comic said, I tested the waters.

I told people at work that I'm a DID system.

There's about 4 people who know now? It was five, but one quit, so... I had a nice, long conversation with three of them during a social hour over drinks, and a shorter conversation with another coworker -- only I can't quite remember if that truly happened, or was just a nightmare I had. Regardless.

I told my coworkers. And nothing at all changed about my experiences. Well, no, that's not true -- I made my one coworker realize that she likely has DP/DR and encouraged her to look into that and get some help with it. But beyond that?

The most that happened was a single instance of a coworker using the current fronter's name.

Nothing else has changed. And I honestly don’t want it to. Work is a refuge away from my personal life; why would I want them to know who I am personally? I much prefer just being referred to by my last name.

So why do I still feel like I do not want my future to be plural? Isn't it nice to be accepted? Isn't it nice to be who I am?

I wrote all of this out some time ago, and in those notes, I wrote: if the future really is plural... Where do I belong? I would belong under the watching eyes of people who know about plurality, but… do they know I’m not plural? Does this plural future include one where I can be visibly not plural, even when I fit the definition?

I don’t think it does. Not from the discourse side of things, anyways.

In a future that is plural, I can't hide. And as a DID system, being hidden is safe, for me. I'm not saying I want to hide my plurality -- that's not even the issue here. I’m out, I’m proud, whatever — It's that I am not plural. And I don't want people to look at me and suddenly be confronted with... not what they expected.

I have not told my administration about my disorder. It is not because I know I cannot be plural with them. I know they would accept me changing my name when I change fronters. I know they would accept my change of pronouns -- they literally already have.

It's that it is unsafe. Not because of "pluralphobia" -- but because of my trauma.

In my home, growing up, I could not share myself. I could not let myself known. Somewhere around 2 and 3 years ago, I finally let myself be known. I let my parents see me for who I truly was, and now, the only family I have left is the one I built around me. Being myself is unsafe, the laws my brain has written say. Hide who you are, every aspect of it, or else things will come crashing down.

This isn't pluralphobia; this is trauma. Covering it with a different name doesn't negate the basis it has is not in my plurality. The basis is the trauma I have experienced. And that is what I hide.

It isn't safe for me to be too disordered at work. I have to be able to manage. If I can't manage, then... I'm unsafe. I'm incapable. I'm unworthy. Those are the messages I've grown up with, the ones I internalized, and what I'm working with my therapist with.

I don't want my future to be plural, because I'm not plural. I'm a traumatized individual who looks like plurality, but with a lot of added bullshit on top of it.

I am not on the train of the anti-endos, calling that endogenic systems are suggesting we traumatize children. Equally, I am not on the train of the pro-endos, calling that this phrase clearly was meant as a suggestion to raise awareness of plurality.

This was a slogan. A damn good one, or at least, good in that it did it's job. It was written with clear intention to shake things up. And I can hear the arguments now -- isn't it good to shake up the bigots? Except that we like to forget that the supposed bigots are largely traumatized individuals making bad choices. Nothing more. Nothing less. Pluralphobia is not the actions of a hate group. It's the actions of troubled young adults on the internet -- or even teenagers -- and does not have ramifications on a systemic level.

What happened to, 'If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all'? Did we all suddenly agree to obey the letter of that law and not the spirit? Suddenly, if someone uses a label, they deserve what happens to them? Because that's the message being presented. All anti-endos deserve isolation and the abandonment of everyone who loves them, right?

What about me, who fears abandonment and isolation? What about me, someone who is currently being told that, really, these fears are internalized pluralphobia, despite the fact that I'm okay with the plural part, it's the internalized ableism that's the problem, and the systemic issues surrounding my trauma.

Does speaking out against that make me anti-endo "enough" to deserve abandonment and isolation?

The idea of plural acceptance is a good one for plurals. Those who want to be seen; want to be known.

But this does not speak for me. It doesn't speak for the scared teenagers on Tumblr who are still being abused. It doesn't speak for those of us who are still struggling with the shame of being traumatized, each and every day, against our own wills.

It doesn't speak for those who aren't plural.

By all means; I hope the future is good for all plurals. I hope awareness is there when it's needed. I hope we all get the love we need, and that people stop purposefully misinterpreting or slinging hate.

I hope that your future is plural.

I just hope mine isn't.

I hope my future is my fiance. I hope my future is my family. I hope my future is teaching.

I hope our future lets us be who we are.

[timidxtempted]

Why shouldn't I be able to ignore my sub? They're an adult.

That was an ask that I just saw on someone else's blog, and I am not willing to add to that post. But I also can't just let it go.

I am too fucking angry. And that's gotta go somewhere.

I'm just going to start by saying that my personal experience came before I ever identified as a submissive, and the relationship I was in was not in any way a dynamic.

I was ignored. Daily. For much longer than I would like to admit to before I finally got the fuck out. I mean ignored in any way that you would care to define the word.

Wanna know what that did to me, a fully adult person?

Here are a few of the highlights:

By the end, I felt less valuable than the furniture in my house. My self esteem was so shot that it took my best friend moving in with me and constantly reminding me that I was, in fact, a human person worthy of far more than the most basic of respects to even make a dent in the gaping hole where my self worth used to be.

I stopped speaking. I don't mean I stopped trying to be noticed. I mean I stopped speaking. My words didn't matter. So I stopped using them.

I became convinced that the reason he ignored me was that I really was too much. Too needy. Too clingy. I talked too much. I felt too much. Everything about me was literally too much. And as such, I worked daily to reduce myself to the nothing I felt I was.

Do you have any idea how much work has gone into reversing that damage in the ensuing years?

Fast forward to now.

I am submisive. Knowing that about myself, and living through what I did...

I can not even imagine the added damage that being ignored would do in the context of of a dynamic. To entrust myself to someone that could do that? It breaks my heart to think that anyone would be treated like that in any relationship, let alone one that by it's very nature requires consistent, open communication and connection, along with the safe space to express yourself in all your vulnerable fucking glory.

But here's the thing that I am so fucking angry about now, in this moment right here.

I still fight it.

I still fucking have to fight it.

And that is not fucking fair. Sure, it's not fair to me... but more than that it's not fucking fair for my partner, my dominant, that I still have to fight those feelings. He has not given me any fucking reason to have them. And I am so fucking mad that he has to deal with the fallout at times for issues he not only did not create, but has been helping to heal.

I should never have had to be scared to be who I am, even if who I am can be too much at times.

I should never have had to be scared to open my mouth and speak, even if what I say is too emotional or needy.

And I should never have had to be so afraid of quiet that I spin out.

I'm fucking proud of being able to help myself through the feelings, and for trying to better recognize them for what they are, even if I can't always knock them back fully.

And I am very fucking proud of myself for doing, or talking about, or asking for help with the things that I'm scared of, even if I should never have had to be scared of them in the first place.

So to any of you wanna-be d-types out there thinking like the anonymous question asker...

No.

You can't just ignore your sub.

Because you don't fucking deserve one.

Post script...

...Because this hurt and I'm going to end this on a positive note. For me.

I am learning the difference between quiet and silence. Turns out quiet can be pretty fucking fun.