#think it might come from the school
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Wolfgang: Why does it smell like melted butter? *looks at the cemetery, the exact opposite of where the smell comes from*
#is someone making waffles this early?#think it might come from the school#also yeah. it started smelling like waffles after smelling like melted butter#-franz#about wolfgang
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I had a dream about Sebek and a fly.
Sebek was going about his normal business, when he noticed a fly sitting on his hand. He casually brushed the fly off, before lifting his gaze to resume his duties. However, out of the corner of his vision, he caught sight of the fly, back on his hand. He swatted at it again. But somehow, it remained where it was. He shook his hand, twisted it about, swiped at it multiple times but no matter how hard he tried to get rid of it, the fly remained on his hand. Growing increasingly frustrated, he even tried to crush the fly in his hand. But the fly still remained. He couldn't help but let out a cry of anger and upset as tears began to stream down his face, for he was desperate to be rid of this fly. This fly that would not release its hold on him. This fly that clung to the back of his mind every second of the day. And there was nothing he could do but despair.
#twisted wonderland#twst#sebek zigvolt#my art#fly symbolism...#flies can represent the brevity of human life#so given sebek's... *motions* everything#his whole issue with humans... which comes from his own internal struggles and self hatred#BUT ALSO what I believe comes from a very strong fear of human fragility#like his father or silver or all of his school mates won't be in his life for very long...#well.. this all just makes for good angst doesn't it#this might be a concept i will flesh out more in the future#but it would take some work to portray it the way i would want#so for now this will do#even while unconscious my brain thinks of ways to make sebek suffer#silver and lilia and malleus comforted him at the end of the dream tho so it's okay#he's just a big mess
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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right... okay. i'm considering something. sound off in the comments if this is a bad idea
#i'm thiiinking that after this finale + all the wild card ideas are posted i might take a break for a bit#at LEAST until finals are over. but probably until the end of the year#reset a bit y'know#i have 200+ asks in the inbox from *months* ago and i have GOT to find a way to post them all in a timely manner </3#but man is it hard to keep a daily queue going consistently#and also be funny consistently to make the posts good#hard to be funny when you're stressed with school + life dhfjsfs /lh#i LOVE this blog so much. but i think a few weeks of break would do me some good lol#and then maybe when it comes back i can post multiple asks a day to get through em faster too#i dunno. i'm just thinking about it#transitioning from one specific genre of posts to general asks again would be a good pause point imo#aaanyway. if i do this fr i'll make a more official post about it. but yeah <3#not a bad idea#admin
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For some reason it is so strange to see one piece on BBC iplayer like this is not a show I expect the British public to watch
#one piece#like i know they already had pokemon and beyblade and dragon ball#but those shows aired on my tv when i was a child#i used to come home from school and watch pokemon#on RTE#but one piece just feels too anime#i think it might kill the type of english average English person that uses bbc iplayer
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Resistance. Blood Won The Poll! [Patreon | Commissions]
#Tuvok & Harry couldn't go on an away mission just the two of them#bc they might have died permanently from their combined suffering#Though Harry's suffering is often more existential and emotional than Tuvok's physical torment#(Not counting death as 'physical torment') <- he's coming BACK BABEY#anyway#here's Tuvok enduring [dissociating]#bea art tag#//injury#//blood#idk what else to tag this I don't think I've made a piece like this before (definitely tried when I was in like high school)#Tuvok is truly my poor little meow meow what do you MEAN his picture's in the Trek wiki under 'Bruise' !?#Janeway's hands on his shoulders no less...AAGH <- picturing her GUILT and RELIEF#Anyway...thanks for voting <3#st voy#star trek voyager#Tuvok#st voyager#Tuvok screaming in 'Resistance' ??? In my brain permanently. SO much angst and hurt/comfort potential
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I think someone should study the fact that all of the moral issues people have with coleen hoover are just the modern day version of "this erotic literature will corrupt our pure women!"
#she literally. she literally writes modern day bodice ripper romances. y'all grandmas#consumed that shit as if tomorrow wouldnt come#hell i myself think that her writing sucks but. im not gonna raise a rabble or go on a moral crusade with 'oh i am so worried for the young#girls who might read this and think abuse is ok!' which is just. so incredibly stupid#and is one of the instances where people will literally blame anything but the abuser themselves in a DV situation#(and like doesnt account on how girls can and do know how to differentiate fiction from reality#me reading smutty bully harry stiles fics at twelve with dubious consent didnt lead to my grooming#because i *knew* that an asshole beating you up at school and then saying no i love u now was wrong and abusers#are way more insidious than that#there are also people going 'oh but her being widespread is the reason why media literacy is so low' baby it doesnt work like that#the booktoker saying she cant read stories that are too complicated wouldntve been miracolously a good reader if coho didnt exist#she wouldve just read. harry potter or other YAs. media literacy and reading comprehension are tools that can be sharpened#but aren't really *gainable* yknow unless they are put into you really young thru school and we all know school doesnt do that#also comment i found funny was someone going 'teens who read coho will grow up saying that wuthering heights is a love story'#<-da hell is that thang. whuhei is 100% a love story all the players being assholes doesnt mean it isnt a romance
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wordmoji for the phrase "MUD WOMB" ?
And now, the weather... ☁️ 🎶
#custom emoji#custom emote#wordmoji#welcome to night vale#wtnv#you can't just come up to people saying MUD WOMB you might wanna specify you're comin from a small desert town#where the sun is hot and the moon is beautiful#and a mud womb is a place where gods are born. or would be if the city council allowed that#❄️#you're lucky i was a weird little kid who listened to Night Vale in middle school#or I would think you were asking me to make a wordmoji for a heretofor unknown racial slur.
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Pretty sure my work crush was checking me out today
#v____v#im still not sure he knows my name but he's my boyfriend#tales from diana#ive come in for the last 4 consecutive work days as opposed to how unavailable i was for a lot of this school year#and i. i do cheat sometimes in that i sometimes take a longer way through the halls if i think i might get a glimpse of him#im pathetic. i literally do not know this man. but i do reliably get a good morning from him#still 4 weeks ago he smiled when he turned around and realized i was on hall duty and i could live off of that#no but like just before hall duty ended he went into his office and before walking in he for certain gave me an up-down for a sec#(almost wrote for a SEX oh yeah nope there wasn't any sex involved)#dear diary. la di da di da
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anyone else feeling fundamentally incapable of adjusting to society. also just discovered there's a 30 tag limit which i can't believe i've never hit before
#like it was one thing when i was in high school and college like wasn't socialized as a child due to not receiving schooling and growing up#sda blah blah whatever but like i'm almost 27 and i am barely functioning lol like i feel like i'm struggling to have a normal conversation#even more than i used to and i think my speech cadence is noticably off which i don't think it always has been#some of it is definitely from chronic exhaustion from having to get up too early and the stress of having a frequently panic inducing boss#but like. come on now. i can't even drive despite finally having a license because i'm too scared/distractible/poor reaction time#over a dozen antidepressants have not worked. adderall is not working great either#i'm SO much dumber than i used to be and it's driving me quite literally insane#i don't even think it's from getting covid in july because i was noticing it before although it definitely became way more noticeable after#i got this job. i've never been this bad at a job in my life and it's something anyone who knows me would assume i'd be good at#it's embarrassing. i cannot fucking remember anything i struggle to do the most basic of arithmetic to fill prescriptions i make the same#silly mistakes multiple times i am constantly asking stupid questions and still somehow fucking up all the time#it's not as bad as it was a couple months ago and frankly i'm shocked i haven't gotten fired i keep thinking that's going to happen#of course i wanted to quit this job four months ago but now i'm at like a sunk cost fallacy point unfortunately#this is obviously not like any kind of career position for many reasons but i don't know what else to do unless i move across the country#again. i'm not even qualified for anything besides animal related things and summer camp which are fine obviously but not great if you want#things like benefits or paid leave or not to get burned out as hell lmao#i don't even feel like i could do any customer service jobs because i literally struggle to put a coherent sentence together on the spot#everything is so slow. soooo slow i'm literally losing my mind which is catastrophic because my mind is all i've ever had going for me#and i'm having kind of a horrible existence lately which is exacerbating all my problems except the problems make it mostly impossible to d#anything to fix it. ok going out and doing some fun stuff for a day makes me feel better that's great. except then i need a day after that#to recover from doing things the previous day. so the only feasible day for doing things would be saturday. except on saturdays i'm#recovering from working. i literally only work 4 days and barely over 30 hours it's Not that crazy. i mean the boss is crazy and the job ca#also be crazy obviously but 30 hours a week is minimal compared to other work schedules i've maintained before#anyway but the most i can do after work is go to the store if i need to but i almost never have energy for anything fun#and the fucking bus doesn't run on sundays and walking miles to get literally anywhere takes a lot of energy i don't have#i'm about to move next weekend and i'm dreading it because it's going to be so much work and i'm so fucking tired#and i don't have any friends to help me with cleaning i might be able to get help moving my stuff but i'm not even confident about that#i might have to rent a uhaul but i would honestly rather pay somebody to help because i'm that scared of driving even for one 30 min trip#whatever....sorry i had to feel bad for myself in the tumblr dot edu tags again i'm not in therapy rn#(<- guy who should be in therapy)
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I don't think my omegaverse obsession is a joke anymore....
#i cant stop reading abo#i have read over a 100 abo fics#90% of my funny ao3 screenshots come from abo#i read abo to relax#i read abo with friends#i once accidentaly read abo#i once accidentaly picked out an abo manga for my friend#i explained what abo is to a 12 year old boy in my school#all of my friends know i read abo#and their friends#i think it might be my favorite trope#i dont think its a joke anymore...#omegaverse#alpha beta omega#rambles#fanfic#ao3#fanfiction
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I sent an email to the admissions dept for the school with the radiography program I'm interested in (despite it maybe not being feasible for me as the most competitive program in the state outside of MD programs) and they replied sooner than I expected to set up a call talking abt transcripts and I am so crazy nervous
#oughh bro i have to send over my lackluster transcripts with a whole lot of Ws and Cs and an F#and go like okay so i know it LOOKS bad but... hear me out.....#i know the worst that could happen is the guy tells me theres just no way im getting in without an associates first#which sucks because i already have a bachelors i dont wanna have to redo gen eds ffs#they only admit like 20 people into this program a year so i feel like i cant mess up talking to the transfer admissions guy#he might actually remember 😵💫 even if my embarrassing transcripts wont be memorable enough#like i did end with a 3.5 gpa but also i was in school for like 8 years and i did exceptionally bad#for a variety of reasons including but not limited to: family deaths. (toxic family stuff). poverty. coming out. twice.#my grades shot up once i was eligible financial aid finally and not paying out of pocket while working 1-2 jobs#it still looks terrible#idk how to have the confidence of the average cis white man who walks in with a 2.1 gpa to an interview for med school#personal stuff#im so nervous#like#if this maybe works out and things maybe go to plan i might have like. an actual career? that i enjoy? that feels fulfilling?#a career that can actually go places? so many modalities to choose from. i can help people. and i can go home at the end of my day#and make art and not think about whether what im making is furthering my career or not#also xrays and radiology are just. soooo cool. i love bones. and organs. i looove getting imaging done at my appts because then i get#to ask them questions about what theyre doing n how it works.#i wish id felt more confident when i was younger that maybe i could succeed in sciences
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Friendship is the most special thing in the world because no award could be give me bigger happiness than jumping around in my room and smiling because my pookie asked me if I wanted to match pfps
#SHES AMAZING I LOVE HER AHHHHH#I hope we manage to find a cute bsd pfp it would be literally my dream#little vent tw!!#it's been so long since I matched pfps last time was with my ex who started being wayyyyy too weird..#and the other time was with a friend who started ghosting me some months later just because I didnt give her enough adopt me pets or smth 💔#and like. her stopping talking to be literally broke me as a person. it was devastanting for like 13yo me#woahhh thank you k. now I have social anxiety and keep dobting whether people really want me there or not#I still have a sort of love hate relationship w her but like its been over 2 years maybe 3 why do I still care abt it sm :<#especially since our other bestie is wayy more affectionate w k than w me it just makes me feel so weird like im sort of a 3rd wheel#but at least the friend im gonna match with is the sweetest person ever and we can be silly together :333#unfortunately we only know eachother from a course so we always have to wait 2 weeks to see eachother#and even tho i still see k almost every day shes pretty different now#but ive been feeling so so happy the last few days since school started and im afraid I might go back to being how I was when she returns#because. I bet my two friends will keep being silly together and ill have to sit w my ex again cuz hes still part of our friend group#I mean hes a nice and funny guy but I figured that a relationship wont work with us. I tried it and I just wanna be friends#I have a lot of fun w him but like in a platonic way#and im afraid he still thinks we should be together#meanwhile my besties keep flirting w eachother like??#I mean its pretty funny as a joke but I cant help but feeling kinda jealous especially because I used to have a huge crush in one of them#talked a bit too much ooopssss#Im just trying to move on but I hope k coming back doesnt start everything over again#anyways!! I love my bestie from the course smmmmmm Im still so so happy :D wish we could see eachother more#random stuff#chaos#friendship#violet rambles
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interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!
#marzi speaks#it’s . probably bc of the vasculitis thing#which like. while it is a traumatic thing that i need to work through and plan on going to therapy about#it also put a LOT of things into perspective for me#and like actually i do not think i am afraid of growing up anymore !#i mean i still have like. the imposter syndrome and the fear of getting overwhelmed and falling behind#that’s not gonna go away overnight that’s been there for as long as i can remember#BUT!! i know deep down that i can figure it out now.#bc i figured out a lot. i figured out how to gauge my physical well being#i figured out how to be someone who can regularly make phone calls without crying#i figured out pharmacies. and i’m figuring out how insurance works#and appointments and withdrawing from school and reapplying to school#and all of the lifestyle changes that come with having an autoimmune disease#i’m learning self advocacy. i’m learning how to respond when people treat me poorly (always accidentally so far)#yeah getting my license has been hard and slow just bc i have all the anxiety shit about it. but i AM putting that effort in#i dunno it’s just. adult responsibilities are horrifying and the prospect of existing independently in our current society#is horrifying. and i think i’ll always be scared.#but i used to think i might not be able to handle it. that i would fall apart#i know now that i won’t. i will find a way to move forward and be happy. because that’s what i’ve always done#if i can take the scariest couple of months in stride the way that i have. then i think i can handle it#anyways. 19 was eventful enough can i be 20 now. i think being 20 would be good for me#still a Weird thing to think about. two whole decades. but like i can do it methinks
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fellow gays…. does it feel like anything to you?
#being gay doesn’t feel like anything to me; when i was younger like hearing people come out they’d be like ‘oh i always knew i was different#or i knew i had to be a certain way#i never got like that? like i used to have crushes on boys when i was in primary school but when i got older i just assumed i was bored with#men like i never assumed it was bc something was different ab me and like yeah idk#like realising i was a lesbian didn’t feel like anything to me other than oh makes sense#like idk realising i was gay didn’t change anything from how it was before even tho like idk circa 2014 all the youtubers coming out and shi#we’re like oh i knew i was different i knew it was this and this and like idk i’ve just always felt like me and it’s never felt like anythin#in particular to be gay#idk this is kinda word vomit i was just thinking ab it the other day ab how so many people are like relieved? to realise they’re queer or#like other feelings but i always just felt like that was just how i was and when i realised i was a lesbian it only really just made me go#ljke yeah adds up lmao#idk might delete this LMAO#「mercury speaks」
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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