#or i knew i had to be a certain way
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fellow gays…. does it feel like anything to you?
#being gay doesn’t feel like anything to me; when i was younger like hearing people come out they’d be like ‘oh i always knew i was different#or i knew i had to be a certain way#i never got like that? like i used to have crushes on boys when i was in primary school but when i got older i just assumed i was bored with#men like i never assumed it was bc something was different ab me and like yeah idk#like realising i was a lesbian didn’t feel like anything to me other than oh makes sense#like idk realising i was gay didn’t change anything from how it was before even tho like idk circa 2014 all the youtubers coming out and shi#we’re like oh i knew i was different i knew it was this and this and like idk i’ve just always felt like me and it’s never felt like anythin#in particular to be gay#idk this is kinda word vomit i was just thinking ab it the other day ab how so many people are like relieved? to realise they’re queer or#like other feelings but i always just felt like that was just how i was and when i realised i was a lesbian it only really just made me go#ljke yeah adds up lmao#idk might delete this LMAO#「mercury speaks」
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Beloved Residents of Dirtmouth (And Quirrel 👍)
#hollow knight#elderbug#bretta hollow knight#bretta hk#sly hollow knight#sly hk#zote the mighty#zote hk#hollow knight nymm#nymm hk#hollow knight quirrel#quirrel hk#confessor jiji#my art#fanart#Oh the folks Dirtmouth; how you are able to enrich hope into such a bleak setting#Also hiiiiii I'v been replaying Hollow Knight recently!! I'm already at 20+ hours pfffff#And as a result I simply must draw the characters of the humble game I cherish so much hehe#This has also filled my mind with bees of various headcanons I've just made or I've had for a awhile but never shared#Major one I've had: Quirrel has deform lower arms; he was simply born with them and they don't do harm to his person#They can get in the way and get cut easily; so they're often bandaged for safety#+ Quirrel needs a cane/leg braces to help him walk because of serve leg damage caused by his overexertion while wearing Monomon's mask#In summary; the mask made is so his mind ignored the pain rather than actually get rid of it#Resulting in Quirrel never getting the *true* rest he needed for certain expeditions#He knew that risk and warning before but he forget later after his journey away from Hallownest#And for funnies: Bretta is a hypocephalus armatus!! Finding refs of them was quite the challenge so I hope I got the overall feel down#They have funky little back legs I don't think I quite captured here but the effort was fun!#I have way more for the other characters here but for now I shall have my mouth sealed until asked
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[ cw: death mention / family death mention / ]
Mhmm I sure love thinking of the reality where we did get more time to really know Karai and her dynamics with the bros. Losing her hit hard in the finale, but it would’ve hit much, much harder had we known Karai longer and really saw her relationships develop with everyone.
I especially would have been interested in her dynamic with Leo, as past iterations often have the two of them clash in ideals and the like while still sharing many characteristics. Two sides of the same coin, and all that. Her specifically being the bros’ Gram-Gram also adds a whole new dynamic as well.
Imagine how interesting it would be, to have Karai start off on Leo’s side for once, showing wholly just how alike the two are at their cores and bonding as family without the worry of betrayal or animosity that other iterations suffer through, only to have Karai die anyway. Their parting hug and the desperate look of horror Leo wears later on would have hit that much harder, I feel.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rise of the tmnt#rise karai#rise leo#rottmnt karai#rottmnt leo#I think a lot about these two in particular#and how that dynamic could have flourished#the way it was depicted in the finale is so purposefully unique and painful like#that hug man#can you imagine how much more heartbreaking that would have been if we knew her longer#not that it wasn’t already sad but we just simply didn’t know her long enough to be completely attached#also imo having more episodes with her and in general would have presented something I’ve been thinking about since the finale#so like - I like to think each bro kinda immediately leans more toward certain family members#Mikey has Draxum#Donnie has April#Raph has Splinter because this is another one that would be SO GOOD and make the finale moment where Raph sees his memories hit harder#if they had an ep or two more of Splinter and Raph together bc I really do feel like Raph respects Splinter most of the four#and finally- Leo has Karai#and then he loses her#imo? this would align with the movie even more#because it was the act of heroism that kinda killed her in a way - makes sense that Leo would initially be leaning away from that#and yet he ends up exactly like her anyway#haha sorry for rambling I just really love the interesting dynamic these two tend to have#and it’s a shame we didn’t get to see it really explored in rise#but yeah make no mistake while I’m focusing on Leo here I wanted more for all the boys and karai#Mikey’s little moments with her were so sweet and we already know how much he yearns for more family#Karai being from an age long gone would mean she’d be super impressed by literally any invention Donnie has (adult validation!!)#and could you imagine her training with Raph - with this training being referenced in the finale?
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I had a shrink appointment today and while I could not see it I knew my doc was going through the five stages of grief while I explained my fool proof strategy for doing my t shots despite a crippling fear of needles: By abusing my vastly more crippling fear of being an inconvenience.
My mother and I play phasmophobia together every week. she usually has a pretty limited time to do this bc she's like. a doctor and a college professor whos always busy. So I asked her to just. hold me to doing them. We don't start playing until the shot is done. so my needle fear doesn't matter because now it's Wasting™ her time and I have to do it quick. Using one neurosis to defeat another.
It's a horrible coping mechanism because it's feeding the inconvenience fear, but it is definitionally a coping mechanism.
#im a 'has a panic attack during every injection or iv theyve ever gotten' type of scared of needles#no it genuinely has nothing to do with pain the needle itself is the fear not the using of it#like i told this story before but i have these sewing pins with lil bow ties on them and i had to get my dad to take all the blue ones out#because they were triggering the same part of my brain iv needles do#just the sight of them with the rest of my cute sewing pins was a problem#And the fear of being an inconvenience is so bad i cant eat around people or be in crowded spaces or talk at get togethers#without being paralyzed by fear of Being In The Way. its so bad ive been avoiding using my power chair bc it makes me take up#slightly more space than i would just standing. and i never took my manual out and about because i moved too slowly in it#and i dont take my crutches on planes despite using them everyday bc they cant fold up like my cane can and so are In The Way#one of the big reasons i dont use the chairs in stores is they have back up alarms. and i hate making noises in public#Yes this is part of the reason i want a Rottweiler for my service dog because i want people to look at the doggie Not Me.#I like people! i like being friendly and talking and making little connections with strangers!!! But i cant be the one to initiate or#be In The Way of a peaceful moment#dont look at me#this is also a big issue i have with making friends or changing the nature of a relationship because like. im autistic#I have Rules for social interactions memorized that i will follow. but moving people from one category to another#is difficult. It is too the point i had problems for litteral years talking to my boyfriend as though#he was a person i knew well and cared deeply for because i kept using the 'rando guy im flirting with on the Internet' script#I have commissioners i want to be friendlier with but my brain says No Stop that is an Impolite and Overly informal way to talk to#a customer™ despite them not being customers when they arnt in the commission process#im like thise huskies who are scared of carpet because its Different than the floor they're currently standing on#its Too different:(#and to be clear i am Completely aware of how none of this makes logical sense and is in fact deeply self destructive#That does not fix it. it is so ingrained in my head that im certain i could convince my brain to let me bite off my own fingers#before i could convince it to let me talk to someone at a help desk or ask my order be corrected at a restaurant
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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Thinking about how sir pentious not only being in heaven but being a seraphim is a game changer in terms of power plays between heaven and hell. I mean think about it - He died(I truly think he died and didn't just get zapped up) in battle protecting the Heir to Hell and her hotel, and got reborn into heaven. Adam also died in that battle, and either is gone or is a sinner now.
Who in heaven is going to side with Lute publicly if she tries to continue exterminations or go against Charlie? From pure logistics it doesn't make sense, and morally it's horrible.
Like the only reason Sera allowed the exterminations was to keep Hell from usurping. If there is a way to redeem even half that(Extermination Quota) amount of people each year and put them in heaven there's no reason to go to battle. Especially when the power houses of hell(Lucifer, and Charlie) are the ones who are giving away power to heaven. Not to mention Emily and Sir Pentious(Both seraphim) are both vocally in support of redeeming sinners. And the souls from earth are probably going to be in that camp if they learn about it. Assuming Molly was shown in the song intro to heaven(And the fact she has a positive relationship with her brother is still canon), how do you think she would feel about Angel, her brother, being denied a chance at redemption and left to be tortured? Because that's going to be how most of the souls who have loved ones in hell are feeling if they find out.
Which brings us to season 2. If Lilith &/or Eve are truly planning their own scheme OR another set of demons(The Vees) comes up to threaten the heaven themselves that would complicate the whole hotel plan.
Lute would have a much easier time if she sets up a usurper who is a actual threat to heaven....
#This makes the whole Lilith being involved in a scheme and having charlie in mind weird for me#I mean if I found out my daughter had found a way to save our people and improve things... I won't want to get in the way of that#just to wreck everything. Unless I knew for absolute certain it would make things better not just the chance of it#but thats me#hazbin hotel#hazbin lucifer#charlie morningstar#lucifer morningstar#emily seraphim#sir pentious#angel dust#molly hazbin hotel
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When I was a bit older than you are now, I watched everything I knew burn.
#BUT NOW HE HAS SHIN!!!!!!!!#I don’t give a FUCK what y’all say#his expressions this whole scene#he had to have had a padawan.#HAD TO#the way he nodded at certain parts#the way he was smiling#it’s ALL giving me such a sentimental vibe#and not just for the Jedi#because he does tell shin he misses the idea of it later#but it just. it screams lost padawan to me#yes the Jedi and the values and people he knew all died#BUT JUST. A PADAWAN. IT MAKES SENSE.#IF HE DIDNT HAVE ONE I DONT THINK HED BE AS SENTIMENTAL????#anyway losing it over this ep!!!!!! got the content I wanted!!!!!!!#ahsoka tv#ahsoka spoilers#baylan skoll#shin hati#also#as your local physical touch girl I am indeed losing my absolute mind about his hand on her shoulder#AND TEH GENERAL PROXIMITY#THEY WERE SO CLSOE TO EACH OTHER ALL EPSIXOE#AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH#im so awfully annoying about them I’m so sorry
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Headcanon that Seven of Nine and Naomi actually find Neelix’s cooking to be fine because it’s the only food they’ve ever eaten/their first introduction to food and when they get to Earth everyone’s so excited to show them Alpha quadrant foods but neither of them likes anything they’re offered very much. Seven doesn’t really care either way except that she has to get used to a whole new palette and Naomi likes the obvious (Ex: candy, cake) but frequently complains that nothing tastes ‘right’. Naomi: -pushing away a slice of pizza- I don’t like it... Tom: You’re kidding me. You don’t like pizza? Naomi: It doesn’t taste right! Make it how Neelix used to. Tom: You want me to put gerhalorian beets and yuk mushrooms in the sauce so it congeals into a lumpy, slightly sour mess? Is that what you want, Naomi? Naomi: Yeah :( I want Naomi and Icheb to work tirelessly together on a side project for years until finally doing it - being able to communicate clearly with those in the Delta quadrant! Icheb uses it to speak to the other borg children (now adults) and Naomi immediately uses it to call Neelix and ask him to find the nearest time portal and toss a big box of leola root into it. She’s been craving it for years! No one told her the Alpha quadrant didn’t have leola root, she wouldn’t have gone otherwise!
#Naomi's suffering through the worst case of 'food you had ALL the time as a kid but can't get as an adult'#Her next goal is constructing some way for ships to pass through the quadrants quickly and safely so Neelix can come visit her and also#Voyager's crew can stop getting themselves hopelessly lost and presumed dead out there#Naomi's favorite joke is that if she knew the alpha quadrant had/didn't have X she wouldn't have come! Her mom doesn't love it v_v#st voyager#Naomi Wildman#Seven of Nine#Neelix#I also think every member of the crew has a certain food they really loved but can never eat again v_v either bc alpha quad doesn't have the#ingredients or the replication abilities or bc it was something that was given as a gift by a delta quad alien or Neelix was only able to#make it once etc#I believe Neelix's cooking is a mixed bag. Some of his dishes are earnestly not good and some of them are for a palette that#the crew doesn't have...but after seven years you develop a palette. Like they still PREFER alpha quadrant food but every so often they're#like DAMN...do you remember when Neelix made-? and it's always a happy conversation#OH and also he has limited ingredients bc of Voyager's situation and doesn't know what the human foods they ask for are or what they should#taste like so it's trial and error babey!!!
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could you say that marc is the best flag to flag pilot, at least in modern motogp?
idk if it's recency bias or what but I just rewatched misano 2015 and brno 2017 and like beyond his actual skill in the wet (which I think is pretty up there) honda and him usually nailed the strategy i think
misano 2014 was obv not great bc he came in too late but I think on the whole
oh yeah, it's not particularly close. and 'modern motogp' is in this case a completely unnecessary caveat! f2f was only introduced in 2005 as a more tv-friendly format and the first f2f race was phillip island 2006. until 2015, there's not like... any real patterns amongst the winners - and generally they're rare enough that you can't draw that many conclusions from who's winning them. marc's first f2f is technically phillip island 2013, which wasn't a weather-related bike switch but did of course feature the notable team fuck up that got him disqualified and could have cost him the title. then it's aragon 2014 where he fucks it and crashes because he didn't switch bikes when he should have, yes. but after that, the record's flawless: wins misano 2015, argentina 2016 (also a tyre-related bike swap), sachsenring 2016, brno 2017 - the full set until 2021. I do have another ask sitting in my drafts sent well before misano, which requires a longer response because it's about what makes a rider good or bad at f2f... so I'll go into more detail there. for now, yes there's a little bit of luck involved in some of these wins, a gamble or two that paid off because his race wasn't actually going all that great until he swapped bikes, but it's a record that kinda speaks for itself. it also probably speaks for itself that I spent much of the season pre-aragon attempting to singlehandedly manifest rain clouds. representative sample included here of my dispassionate analysis of the situation:
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which made me initially quite irritable when the rain showed up at the race after aragon, but that's neither here nor there. anyway, I will go into this in a little more detail for that other ask, but I do think it's the f2f format specifically that suits marc. it's just those specific conditions where it's not wet wet but kinda slippery and gross where he really thrives - which of course you also see with stuff like his affinity for low grip conditions in general. plus, he developed a knack for picking the correct strategies in this genre of races. his record in proper wet races is significantly worse... if I had to make a list of the best wet weather riders this century, a few names would sneak ahead (dovi, casey and valentino being the obvious picks, and some of those riders were..... not so great at f2f). here's the comparison:
so yup - he's not a bad wet weather rider by any stretch of the imagination, but it's the type of mess thrown up by f2f where he really thrives. neat skill to have
#//#brr brr#//currt#batsplat responds#scrolling through these tweets made me discover i had accused a certain world number one of doping way back in *july*#SOME OF US KNEW#THEY WILL NOT SILENCE ME. TAKE HIS TITLES NOW
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Well...damn.
I finally watched The Phantom of the Opera, and now I have to grapple with how much Operetta makes absolutely no sense.
Like I'm wracking my brain, and the only conclusion I've come to is that she'd make sense if she wasn't a ghost at all, but a siren.
Maybe after years of being cast out by his fellow humans, Erik finds refuge in the monster world which welcomes him with open arms, and also gives him the chance for a new start.
And given his love of opera, he falls in love with a siren and they have a child together. Thusly making Operetta half human, half siren.
This way, she can keep her hypnotizing voice, since she sure as hell wouldn't have gotten it from Erik.
#monster high#operetta#before i had the deniability of not being familiar with the source material but thats just gone#now im grasping at straws trying to make her work#i do appreciate certain details of her character tho#like i always thought she knew her way around the catacombs because she was down there a lot but no#thats something very much inspired by the phantom which is cool#and im not sure if this is a detail thats in all the adaptations but the movie at least suggests that he's of romani heritage which is neat#were they tactful and respectful about it? hell no#her design wouldn't even have to change that much#just add some fishy or bird-like features and bam!#couldnt even tell she was a ghost anyway#its funny that she's a ghost and invisibilly isn't lol#text post#this feels like a stretch tho#“that phantom of the opera's daughter who isn't a phantom at all because neither is he”
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#“it WAS emotional abuse” is the worst type of realisations#especially when there are moments when I only have being completely spineless weakling to blame#I still don't know what the fuck happened with that#I accepted the hardships of being accused of insane shit by the fandom's 'authorities' at that period of time but then-#-when he defined “being woke NPC” as the worst type of humanperson possible undeserving of anything from him#I just.... allowed him to keep me in fear of being labeled as that that'd effect some of my actions#from minor creative shit to what I should say even publicly#on the one hand it makes no fucking sense of being accused of transphobia is LESS scary than what he “accused” me of#on the other hand it makes sense that words of a friend had way more bearing than randos from fandom that ALREADY disliked me#and were WAITING for the “justified” reason to bully me#not to mention that their reasoning was absolutely nonsensical and even people that didn't know me could often see so#meanwhile he sounded very intelligent#and he also knew the pain of being hounded and thrown away by humanity. that resonated with me after k1rby fandom stuff#being considered an awful person forever that didn't deserve second chance at living and forming relationship EVER again...#though I still wonder whether we formed a cult of two#after all he was very happy to finally get rid of me#because he was feeling like he could not live without me and vice-versa but one day something answered his prayers and 'healed' him#with me.. well nothing saved me. I was healing gradually#but this winter it actually went FAR.#in any case I do not deserve sympathy because I've put this on myself#I could recognise the patterns but I CHOSE to stay and let him make me cry all the time#half of the things he did could've been easily prevented by me standing my boundaries better or. well. acting like ADULT.#and not a fucking traumatized dependent scared lonely autistic CHILD.#however my enemies do not deserve sympathy either. I think we are all punished. every single person involved.#except for a certain backstabber but if there is justice in the world then in due time.#if there isn't... well in that case nothing that happened matters anyway.#personal#/vent#I've been puking so much poison out in this winter#haha can't wait for something to sabotage my healing just before it is over like always
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the hilarity of finding a mac tonight sticker at anime midwest The Same Day i was wearing my mac tonight shirt. 10/10 best purchase of the whole con, thank you @akai-art
#mac tonight#vaporwave#liz blogs#i need 100 of these#shirt is by vapor95 by the way. they should give me a free one with as many people as i've plugged them to#especially at cons. i had a guy stop me at anime central in the middle of the alley because he HAD to know where i got my shirt#he even gave me a meme in exchange#it was great#i cannot stand influencers but i'm just sayin' if they gave me a free shirt i will gladly plug them as much as i fucking can#i LOVE their stuff. i want to buy more but it is (RIGHTFULLY) expensive. But I Will Eventually Mark My Worms#i dont usually care about brands but oooooo you want to buy from vapor95 so bad ooooo i love them a lot#!! I KNEW I FOLLOWED THEM ALREADY BUT I WASN'T CERTAIN#nice ......
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my gender is like meat leaf i think. boy materials in the structure of girl. like im a girl made out of boy things but not in a transman way like i like being female im just. a girl-leaning boygirl. maybe??
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#u dont understand ive been insisting to all of my friends for like 6 years that im NOT a trans man#i cannot be proven wrong at this point i'll lose it#and anyways im not actually a guy#im definitely a girl just like. a type of girl that scientists haven't discovered yet#and that sounds like a joke but im soooo fucking serious#im a fucking student geneticist dude#i think theres some autosomal gene (or probably multiple) that regulate gender in convoluted ways#probably linked and i think there's probably multiple types of fem and masc genders not to mention non fem OR masc genders#codominant? incomplete dominance? is it different on different scales?#its a completely possible and furthermore plausible concept like from my perspective it'd be really weird if gender genetics weren't a thing#i think theyve already lowkey been proven to be a thing cause of that paper comparing trans brains to cis brains#& finding a link where trans men had a certain section that was the same as cis men#and that same section in trans women was the same in cis women#its an OLD study too#anyways i want to research this one day but i also dont because i dont trust humanity with that information#but if i found proof that it exists maybe it could seriously back trans people with scientific evidence#not that they should fucking NEED it testimony should be fucking good enough#ive been bio obsessed since i was born and im a natural skeptic#but when i was 11 i asked a trans person i knew like 2 fucking questions and they answered me and i was like 'yeah this makes sense'#figured anything that didnt make sense was just something i didnt understand yet#and now that im older and in college level biology and genetics classes i know i was right#it would be really really weird if trans people didnt exist did you know that? all the kinds too like nb genderfluid agender genderq demi#i dont fucking care it makes SENSE#'nonbinary' was a good term to adopt because it really just fits perfectly#nothing in biology is ever ever ever truly binary especially not a neurological and psychological phenomenon#especially not in a species with a brain so overly complex and tangled up like HOMO SAPIENS??#are you kidding?? the fact that we even have a concept of art and music let alone have talents and passions for them is proof alone dude#that shit doesn't help us survive its a modified version of pattern recognition and uncanny valley#combine that shit with the fact that intersex people exist?? like#nonbinary gender is literally the combination of intersexuality and human neurology
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Hi sorry to bother you but I just wanted to say that as an autistic person Starstruck makes me want to cry. I love her so much let her live the happy life she deserves with people that accept and care about her. That “otherness” or feeling of being “incorrect” and being seen as suspicious/ostracized for it was absolutely NAILED and it HURTS SO GOOD. I just really wanted you to know that. It’s nice to see someone like me in media, especially in something like the Kirby franchise. Thank you.
ohhhhh i am SO thrilled to receive this message because i am autistic, and by extension so is starstruck, and this was entirely on purpose! i'm so happy that you feel i nailed it! thank YOU for letting me know this; it's the highest praise i could have hoped to receive!
this was intentional autistic representation by an autistic creator and i am over the moon that it's connecting with you! her inability to "have the right magical signature" and her "mimicry of the signatures around her in attempt to fit in" is explicitly a (rather ham-fisted, if i'm being honest) autistic parallel, especially towards masking.
there are obviously parts of her story that aren't explicitly parallel (she is still a little alien after all, and there's going to be Fun Dramatic Aspects that my real life autistic experience sadly lacks), but for what it's worth i'm really happy that this purposeful allegory was noticed!
thank you again so much for writing in, it means the world
#also ngl but i just think like the entire kirby cast is pretty autistic in their own way#like we ALL know meta knight for SURE but the others too. at least imo!!#i have actually been wondering if folks were picking up on this tbh. it seemed so apparent to me but that's bc i made it so i knew#i've had some say 'oh it's the social anxiety' which.... yes. also correct. i also have that too & it is that as WELL but it's incidental#i think this is the first time that someone has directly compared it to autism. it's nice. thank you!#representation in media sure does continue to be like... a Certain Way. but i think you can just hit everybody with the autism beam#it's morally correct.#asks#starstruck dee#starflungs personal tag
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You still cling to naive ideals. I learned, at a very young age, the only currency worth anything in this world is power.
#aliasedit#alias#irina derevko#lena olin#userthing#tvarchive#alexander khasinau#arvin sloane#gerard cuvee#jack bristow#cuvee x irina#irina x jack#irina x khasinau#irina x sloane#myedit#irina wants power to make up for all the countless times she felt powerless.#khasinau is different from others in such way that there's no indication that he held any kind of power over her in the 'present'.#her decision to kill him wasn't based on emotions; wasn't based on a disagreement or because he crossed a line he shouldn't have.#it only had to be done to put sark into power (read: to put her personal pet project who's easier to control into power).#and that decision says more about her relationship with sark than about her relationship with khasinau at the time of his death.#but the potential for khasinau to betray her was always there. at least in irina's mind.#the potential to seize the control he once had over her and her life back. and she made sure that potential died with him.#because the idea of surrendering to the cia with him on the outside -#the idea of putting her life in his hands for the first time in twenty years - wasn't something she could accept. understandable!#still - i can't get over how it's something she could accept with sark.#how khasinau's experience or their shared history of more than 35 years;#how they've clearly reached an understanding in all those years or how she made him the face of her own organization;#none of that mattered in the end. she still couldn't rely on him fully.#and she didn't trust him enough to catch her after her (carefully constructed and planned) fall.#poi's root voice: i knew you boys would catch me! well irina only knew that for certain about sark.
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Reaching that point of Five Stages where the tears are flowing onto my keyboard but I can’t stop writing. I must carry on or cease to exist.
#I should go lie down but the grief calls to me#Agatha baby I must lift you from your shadows#it’s kind of ironic because I knew this chapter would be the depression stage of grief and I had it outlined a certain way anyway#but damn man it doesn’t matter the heart does what the heart does#FSIGE#agathario#zaffiri-saffici
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