#things like that activate my impulse control and i have to resist cutting all my fingers off

[enevera]

ugh i keep remembering how much i don’t wanna go do shit w wood tomorrow like yall i rlly don’t

[redstringraven]

an excruciatingly long ramble about the ‘03 turtles and the enneagram 🐢💜 pt4

[ intro + disclaimers post ] [ pt 2 - raph ] [ pt 3 - leo ] [ pt 5 - mikey ]

don, 5 with a 4 wing

addendums: [ 1 ]

intro

alright, donnie-bear, it’s your turn in the spotlight. which i know you hate, so i’ll try not to keep you too long.

don doesn’t really get to have like… a season-wide growth or 'arc' of sorts (leo’s is a main focus of season four and raph’s is more of a subtle thing you can notice as the series progresses). what’s interesting is, in some ways, being a 5 could explain that. IF we wanted to be charitable and say never addressing the wild shit don goes through was intentional. but i know that’s more self-indulgence or wanting to gently take the writers by their shoulders and shake them on my end.

please, flying spaghetti monster, get these boys some goddamn therapy.

let’s begin.

bare basics of the 5

5s are one of the three withdrawn types (along with 4s and 9s), and they’re members of the head triad (made of 5s, 6s and 7s).

the withdrawn types lack differentiation between their conscious self and their unconscious, unprocessed thoughts, impulses and feelings. their unconsciousness constantly wells up into consciousness through daydreams and fantasies. all three of the withdrawn types respond to stress by moving away from engagement with the world around them and into an “inner safe haven” in their imagination. in other words, they have a habit of “zoning out”.

the head triad may also be referred to as the ‘thinking’, ‘reason’ or ‘fear’ triad. members of this triad are concerned with anxiety; they carry a great deal of fear and are driven by it. they feel they experience a lack of support and guidance, and because of this they often engage in behaviors they believe will enhance their safety and security. they take in and relate to the world through the mind, and they tend to think and plan carefully before they act. 5s externalize it, 6s internalize it, and 7s forget it.

a 5’s basic fear is that of being helpless, useless, overwhelmed or incapable

their basic desire is to be capable and competent

they believe they’ll be okay so long as they have mastered something

childhood take-aways

as you likely expect, we return to the quote from master splinter in things change (s1ep1):

“your path in life will not be an easy one. the outside world will not be a friendly place for you. you four are different in ways the surface dwellers would never understand. to survive, you must master these skills i teach you: the powers of stealth and secrecy. you must become kage, shadow warriors, and you must never be discovered by the outside world.”

young 5s tend to be quiet children who occupy their time with books, collecting insects or plants, learning a musical instrument, using a computer, or playing board games or with chemistry sets rather than participate in play with their peers. anxious parents might find themselves coaxing their young 5 into basic activities--joining a sports team or going to a playground--in an effort for their child to be more ‘normal’; these efforts are often met with intense resistance from the 5. the 5 will sometimes feel overwhelmed by their protective figures, and they'll seek out other ways to feel secure and confident.

as children, 5s see the world around them with startling clarity. they elaborate on it in their minds, which will have repercussions later on for better or for worse. these types value independence--or, more accurately: non-intrusion. early on, 5s learn to believe that by not asking much from you, you won't ask much of them; through that, 5s attain safety and a feeling of control. as a way of defending themselves, they learn to cut themselves off from nurturance--any painful feelings of need and longing--by staying in their minds.

something i find interesting about the lesson (s3ep13) in retrospect of the enneagram is what don and leo choose to focus on when teaching a young casey. now, i know in some way the choices were kind of narrative jokes (as well as poking fun at the fact they’re like eight-years-old and trying to teach something complex like martial arts) but i think, in don’s case, there’s a bit more going on.

leo, who in his older years more focuses on strategy, went for meditation as his starting point (likely remembering where his own ninjitsu training might have begun and wanting to do it 'right') whereas don went for strategy as HIS starting point.

one could argue that out of the four brothers, don is the ‘weakest’ fighter (in terms of technique and natural skill, NOT physical strength; i will get to that). rather than focus on where his ninjitsu training began and giving casey the chance to see if his own physical abilities can develop, don goes right into where he knows HE’S capable: the thinking aspect. planning.

splinter says “to survive, you must master these skills”, and here is a young don already recognizing that out of the four of them, he needs to rely on something more than just ninjitsu skills alone.

don’s best tool in an actual confrontation at this point--what would keep him capable and ‘not useless’--would be navigating a battlefield strategically and keeping himself one step ahead of his opponent.

in flashbacks from tales of leo (s1ep19), we can see don’s built himself a little robot car. this, obviously, will serve no form of protection or security in an actual fight or time of emergency; it’s a toy. he’s a child with a still-developing brain and knowledge of the craft. there's no context to if this story takes place before or after the events of the lesson, but it's evident he's already pursuing other areas to (hopefully!) master outside of ninjitsu that could aid him later.

don as a 5

5s can sometimes be nicknamed: ‘the thinker’, ‘the innovator’, ‘the observer’, ‘the sage’, ‘the specialist’, ‘the radical’, or ‘the expert’.

more than any type, 5s want to find out why things are the way they are. behind their relentless pursuit of knowledge is a deep insecurity about their ability to function successfully. 5s feel that they do not have an ability to do things as well as others. they believe in the safety and security of their own minds.

5s are highly motivated by a desire to understand. to them, gathering knowledge and mastering information are keys to survival. 5s collect and horde information like dragons to gold; they want to know at least a little bit about every obscure topic. they don’t want to appear foolish or uninformed, or be humiliated by not having the correct answer. while don’s physically present at the hockey game in the golden puck (s2ep18), he’s got his nose in a book about the sport's history. this could not only be his 5’s desire to collect information, but also an attempt to understand something casey (and maybe by proxy, raph) is interested in.

5s have a presentational or lecture-like “talking style”; if you ask them what they feel, they’re more likely to tell you what they think. due to this, they tend to respond to problems rather than react to them. it’s this ability that helps don stay as the level-head out of the four brothers. like 9s, 5s are able to remain neutral and see both sides of a conflict. but where a 9 might be worried about hurt feelings, a 5 will look at the situation objectively and shoot straight with you (a contributing reason to why raph might respond better to don calling him out than leo or mikey; don is always going to be straight-forward with him, something 8s, as we covered, value). raph and leo, being on the gut-triad, have a tendency to react to their instinct, and mikey doesn’t always slow down enough to exercise his 5 (it’s his security number, and we’ll get to that).

from a narrative/’tope’ standpoint, you could look at don having 'random' knowledge outside of his usual science and engineering expertise as him filling his narrative role as “the smart one”, but his 5 could also serve as an explanation for why he just… can either read or recognize an italian phrase in the darkness within (s3ep14) or why he has a pigeon puppet in search for splinter (s1ep25) that my bird-loving ass continues to be DELIGHTED over to this day. a 5 never wants to be put in a position where they have to depend on others to take care of them. the idea of losing their independence and self-reliance terrifies them. so, they gather all sorts of information and ideas and resources they deem potentially useful later.

and semi-due to this, the average 5 has a bit of a scarcity mentality. they’re careful to measure how much time they’re spending with others in comparison to time they spend honing their abilities to master something or expand their knowledge. this might lead to them hoarding their space, time, and even affection. it’s common for a 5 to have a space that is THEIR space. this could be as small as a specific chair they always retreat to for reading (that they get a little territorial about should you find yourself sitting in it one day), a corner of the garage, or a larger space such as a study or work-room. don, of course, has his lab which seems to be a (questionably) repurposed subway car for the majority of the series. i don’t know how he got it in the lair… that’s a question for another day. and given a 5’s secrecy and independence it, frankly, wouldn’t surprise me if no one knows how he got it in there. we'll touch on that more in a bit.

don’s wing was probably the hardest for me to pin down out of the brothers. i remember on the same site i saw raph being labeled as an 8w9, don was a 5w6. it took a lot of thinking, a lot of reviewing, but i’ve decided i disagree.

it’s possible he might reach for the 6’s influence from time to time, but i decided on 4 for two key reasons:

5s with a 6 wing tend to be more argumentative and will even actively antagonize people who disagree with them and their views (gives me more stockman energy than it does don; not saying stockman is a 5, tho), and

when mikey’s talking about the different freedoms they all have due to leo shouldering most of the responsibility in samurai tourist (s4ep13), he says don’s free to ‘dream’.

mikey’s insight and that word choice are important. again, i can’t help but wonder if the site’s decision to give don a 6 for a wing was to fully put him on the thinking triad rather than give him a foot in the feeling triad.

the 4’s influence brings with it the more surreal and fantastical; 5w4s are more creative and often seek niches unexplored by others, able to tap into the imaginative side of their brain rather than only the analytic. i think it goes without saying that several of don’s inventions are outside the norm and incredibly creative and innovative. the tunneler, whose existence would even be the undoing of the shredder in another world, is a fantastic example of this. additionally, don's limited access to resources forces him to think and problem-solve more even creatively, and i wouldn't be surprised if that fueled and developed his 4 more than his 6.

5s with a 4 wing are sometimes nicknamed ‘the iconoclast’. they’re creative, sensitive, and empathetic. they’re not always sure what to do with their feelings and prefer to process them in solitude. these 5s are more prone to experiencing melancholy, but they’re less emotionally guarded around others and tend to be better at being kind to themselves. they tend to be more creative than the other sub-type; their tinkering with familiar forms, ideas and concepts can lead to startling innovations. they’re often drawn to the arts, and their curiosity and perceptiveness combine with the desire to express their unique and personal visions.

stress & security numbers

don’s stress number is a 7, so in times of high stress and low spirits he’ll begin to express the negative traits associated to 7s. stressed 5s hoard and cling more tightly to things, make their world smaller and smaller, and will turn their attention away from the needs of others. in worst-case scenarios, they might refuse to help at all or even become hostile to the suggestion, as it would require them to use their valuable time, energy and resources that keep THEM safe. they might become frivolous, disorganized and distracted to the point of not being able to complete tasks and stop thinking about the consequences of their behavior. they’ll begin feeling even more inadequate, feel sorry for themselves, and do whatever they can to avoid pain.

these 5s become more impulsive, their minds speed up--restless and agitated--and they feel more compelled to distract themselves. under extreme stress, they might even become aggressive and insensitive in their pursuit of… whatever it is they want at the time.

examples of don’s 7 showing up could include:

his outburst at his brothers at the start of return to the underground (s2ep13), his frustration with himself for not being able to find a cure for their friends below, and remaining confined/isolated to his lab while his brothers continue to go about their lives and other activities

straight up ripping professor honeycutt’s head off in worlds collide pt1 (s3ep5) because he panicked. funny as it was, mikey’s right… that was kind of extreme. aggressive, impulsive, and insensitive, one might even say

we get a glimpse of one of don’s workstations in bad day (s4ep8) and it's a complete mess. it’s possible that leo’s shift in attitude is wearing don down internally. he’s not taking care of his spaces, and he might not be taking care of himself much, either.

in dragons rising (s4ep10), when leo’s hanging off the back of a truck and mikey’s sliding on the hood of the battleshell, there's a pair of dragons in a truck behind them. those dragons rear-end the battleshell, and don doesn’t hesitate to shoot a fucking missile right into the driver’s seat. had those dragons not thought fast enough to bail, they'd be off the census.

also in this episode, after don tries to look on the bright side (saying they stopped half the convoy) and leo snaps at him, he’s turned away from leo for the rest of the scene--he’s even cut out of the frame in one shot. boy has: completely withdrawn from the ‘conversation’ while the others remain engaged and listening.

don’s security number is an 8, so when mentally and spiritually healthy he’ll begin to adopt the positive traits associated with 8s. with the influence of their 8, 5s become more spontaneous, outspoken and physically present. they get energetic, confident, and much more talkative. the difference can be quite striking to people, leading to playful questions like “what’s gotten into don today?”.

secure 5s become more willing to participate rather than just observe. they feel empowered to take on major challenges, and some will even pursue or assume leadership roles. rather than fear the loss of the abilities or expertise that they’ve been careful to cultivate in isolation, they harness those skills strategically and constructively. they come out of their own heads and embrace a deeper contact with their vitality and physicality. they can take on a whimsical or dark sense of humor, and take delight in puns and wordplay. a more mischievous, lively and elfin side of them begins to show through. a 5 who wants to experience the abundance of life without worrying about what they can afford to lose is one on the high side of an 8.

examples of don’s 8 surfacing could include:

whenever we see him engaging in play with his brothers; he’s not only choosing to be present and share his time with them, but he also seems to--pardon the pun--come out of his shell a bit more. examples could include darkness at the edge of town (s1ep6), reflections (s2ep9), space invaders pt 1 (s3ep2), nobody’s fool (s3ep11), and time travails (s3ep17)

in the king (s1ep16) when the champions all battle cry and rush into the fight, he joins them. battle cry and all. fucking dweeb.

suggesting they all go get ice cream in the ultimate ninja (s2ep10); it’s small, but don’s choosing to not only remain present but to leave the lair and do an unplanned activity with the others

any time he exercises that gentleman’s snark of his, but i’m going to choose a class favorite: “nighty night, dragon-boy” from cousin sid (s4ep1)

how giddy and talkative he is at the start of return of savanti (s4ep20).

don’s 8 is subtle, but it breaks his habitual patterns. people who aren’t that familiar with him might think this is just him behaving ‘normally’, but those who do know him understand that he prefers being left to his projects, studies, and ideas. when he chooses to not only be present in the moment and spend his valuable time with his loved ones, it’s him leaving his safe spaces, risking to use up those resources he so carefully maintains and allowing himself to feel good and be confident in areas he’s normally not. his 8’s a little difficult to spot, but it’s there if you know how to spot a 5 dipping their toe into gremlin-mode. and it is highly endearing.

just don’t tell sam regiel that, he lives 24/7 in gremlin-mode, sometimes figuratively, sometimes literally, none of us are safe--

cardinal sins - 5 and greed

much in the way that raph’s cardinal sin wasn’t a surface-level explanation, neither is don’s. because i can already hear some folks protesting in regard to how generous and selfless he is. i hear you, and you’re correct. materialistically, 5s can be extremely generous. … however, as the greediest greed to ever greed once said:

“you humans think greed is only about money and power. but everybody wants something they don't have.”

remember that the thinking and head triad can also be called the ‘fear’ triad, and that types in this triad struggle with and are driven by fear. fear makes 5s shrink inward, and avarice makes them hoard whatever minimal resources they have around them. their greed, their avarice, focuses on their inner resources, their energy, and their time. they’re greedy for knowledge and improving their expertise, and they can easily feel intruded upon and learn to protect themselves by emotionally withdrawing from people.

5s want to conserve their energy and resources in order to avoid needing others too much, trying to take as little from the environment and those around them as possible. they feel as though there is not much of them to go around, and the needs of others can deplete or exhaust them. don even laments in his official profile that he longs for the day he can be left alone to explore his interests, and that maybe someday "he'll have the time he needs".

in new blood (s3ep12) don 'cheats' at their game of ninja hide-and-seek by using nightvision goggles to quickly find his brothers. he's both making up for, in his mind, his natural skill at the game, and he's possibly looking to speed things up a bit so he can return to what HE wants to use his time doing. i think it's also worth noting that in city at war pt3 (s2ep16), don’s the one who asks karai what’s in it for them should they agree to help her. in exchange for the valuable resources the turtles will give to help karai (their time, their energy, their literal safety), what do they get in return?

it’s also important to recognize that 5s consider information a resource. due to this, 5s are extremely private and secretive people. it’s rare for any one person to know everything about a 5; each colleague or friend might have a part of a 5’s story, but no one person or even group of people will have the whole story. 5s might even go out of their way to not introduce certain circles of friends to each other due to an underlying fear that they all might talk to each other and be able to piece together what information about the 5 they have. that information--their lives and experiences--is THEIRS. keeping that hidden away, not sharing that resource, is a method of security.

i think we get a fair amount of glimpses into this aspect of don throughout the series, and the first is quite earliy on, but small. when they meet april (s1ep3), don’s not the one who introduces himself as the tech-wiz in the group. mikey’s the one who talks him up, and don even tells him to ‘cut it out’ (even if he says this playfully or humbly, this is not technically mikey's information to share).

the way mikey reacts to don's pigeon puppet suggests this is the first time any of them have seen the silly thing. as far as we know, he never tells his brothers about the events of the king (s1ep16) or that he got tortured by triceratons (s3ep3)--FOR information, at that!--or about where he went in same as it never was (s3ep21). and the whole time he’s sick in the latter half of season 4, he keeps brushing it off as just a bug bite and then a cold. he’s probably in a lot more discomfort than he ever lets on, but… eh, no one needs to know that. it’s probably nothing. this is both HIS information… and, also, leans into the 5’s negative trait of neglecting their own health in stressed states and minimizing their own comfort. they don’t want to have to rely on anyone for anything.

as with raph and leo, let’s also peek at the other cardinal sins associated with don: with his 4 wing, 7 stress and 8 security, the others in his circle would be envy, gluttony, and lust respectively.

SaiNW and don straight up disappearing

a gentle content warning for mention of death in the last paragraph of this section. i know it’s kind of a ‘dead dove, do not eat’ situation with this being sainw and all, but just so you know it’s coming.

as i mentioned in an earlier section, don’s 5 aids him in being the level-head in the family. sainw!mikey even remarks on this in the episode (that "they really needed that level-head of his"). i mentioned in that same section that mikey does have access to the 5, with it being his security number, but… given the environment of sainw, i think it’s fair to say that all of the turtles would have been in the most unhealthy state of their core number. this would mean mikey’s 5 is closed off, and he’d be leaning more into his 1. they, as a team, had lost their links to any of the positive influence that could have come from the 5’s respond over react nature.

don’s disappearance is left vague, not only to us as the viewers but also to his family. he just disappeared. and when his brothers finally see him again thirty years later, it’s not even their don. they're just as in the dark as we are, meaning there was no big fight or blow up or otherwise ‘obvious explanation’ as to why don would have left without a word.

i discussed leo and raph's types at their highest and lowest points, so let's pause to take a look at don's real quick. at their healthiest, 5s can be described as: participating and visionary, observant and perceptive, focused and innovative. at their unhealthiest, they become: nihilistic and eccentric, horrified and delirious, oblivion seeking and self-annhilating.

the series itself is officially twenty years old, and sainw is one of the most utilized episodes when it comes to the creation of fanworks, so i’m sure just about every reason under the sun has been either touched upon or hinted at or explored to explain why don vanished the way he did. and, sadly, thanks to don’s 5, they could all work in my opinion. it’s painfully simple.

5s, due to their need for independence as well as their reluctance to talk about themselves, are the types of people who will leave the house without a word. if they realize the house coffee supply is running low, they’ll grab their keys and head out to the store. they have a library book that's due soon, so rather than go directly home after work like they usually do they'll detour to drop it off. maybe they just feel like taking a walk; out the door they go. no “hey, i’m heading out, be back in ten!”, no text, no post-it note, nothing. it’s not a reflection on how they feel about you or anyone else, it’s just how they are.

it wouldn’t surprise me at all if don was guilty of this. maybe in the middle of a project he realizes he needs something from the junkyard, flings his duffel over his shoulder and just heads out to go grab it real quick. if no one happens to cross his path between his lab and the garage door, he won’t go out of his way to tell anyone where he's off to or that he's leaving at all. they probably won’t know unless one of them text or call him (rip leo and raph’s stress-o-meters). there’s, of course, a chance his family has caught onto this habit and requested he let SOMEONE know, but… that also means don would have to comply to that. be it intentionally ignoring this request or maybe just being too wrapped up in his work or creative excitement to get what he needs and continue making progress that he just plain forgets to say something, who knows.

sainw!don likely did the same thing, and his exit would have likely been paired with a more unhealthy and stressed state of being. for some reason, a reason we’ll never have, he left their hideout and all dialogue/evidence points to no one happening to cross his path on his way out to learn where he was going.

maybe he just needed air. maybe he was trying to get supplies. maybe he got captured and/or killed while he was out there. maybe there are details surrounding casey and/or splinter’s death that we don’t have that caused him to actually want to break off from the others and go on his own (the 7 in him stopping him from being attentive to the needs of others and withdrawing in full, hostile to helping). maybe he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and a genuine, unrelated accident cost him his life and no one knew where he was or even to go looking for him when he never came back. we don’t know and we never will. it's another layer to the tragedy of the episode.

[ryan bergara voice] what happened to sainw!donatello will always remain… unsolved.

i’m sorry, if i don’t meme at least once in this section i will be depressed for the rest of the day, let’s move on.

brains and brawn? you mean don.

this has been commented on in the fandom a handful of times over the years: don’s probably the strongest, physically, out of the brothers. yeah, stronger than raph. there’s evidence not only in-series, but if you consider the enneagram aspect of don and his 5, it opens another perspective into some of the things we might not get to see on screen.

take don’s independence for example. the fact he doesn’t ever want to have to rely on anyone else. sure, yeah, being in danger out on the field--he’s aware of when he needs help and will ask for it in that aspect, as he has recognized that ninjitsu is not the ‘skill’ he has mastered or has aimed TO master… but he’s not going to ask his brothers for help moving things around in his lab (especially given that his lab is one of HIS spaces). he’s going to do it himself, even if he has to spend two days building a one-use pulley system to make it happen. this is the enneagram type who just flat out leaves the house without telling anyone anything. you think he’s gonna wander out of his lab and ask someone to help him move a giant tire if he can figure out a way to do it himself? hell no. god forbid.

think about all the shit don has to move on a day to day basis to build and fix and modify the stuff he does. the average weight of an eight-cylinder car engine is between 400 to 700 pounds (that’s 181kg to 317kg). and the original battleshell wasn’t just a van, either, it was an armored car they ‘borrowed’ from the purple dragons (s1ep1). we see that he has a car engine removed and suspended while he fixes it in lone raph and cub (s1ep24) and it's fucking huge. it’s so funny to think that raph is over here like “i’m gonna be so strong [works out in his free time]” and meanwhile don’s out beside some abandoned car somewhere with the hood propped open like “hmm… i COULD call one of my brothers and ask them to help me strip this engine out and get it home… but i could also not do that [proceeds to not do that and gets it home himself]”.

i acknowledge that some of these can be dismissed as "cartoon physics", but humor me for a paragraph.

given that everyone else was busy fighting, don had to've dragged stockman's robotic arm--which is bigger than him--from inside the building to the outer edge all on his own in return to new york pt3 (s1ep23) so he can cover raph from the roof. we’ve seen don single-handedly lift a metal beam off his person (s2ep20), we’ve seen him stop an underwater fan with his staff and force it to stay still (s3ep9), we’ve seen him jam his staff into solid fucking cement cement (s2ep14), when everyone was getting sucked into the portal at the end of the battle nexus it was traximus--the eight foot triceraton--THEN don keeping the chain anchored to the ground (s2ep26), he’s thrown triceratons around with his own two hands--lifted one out of a vehicle even (s2ep4), he dragged two of his unconscious brothers toward the pedestal in april’s artifact (s2ep21), he and raph are both bearing the brunt of the weight of a slab of roof after the foot’s training building collapses in city at war (s2ep15), he’s been at the top of the turtle chain at least twice in the series when they’re hanging off of something (s1ep2 & s3ep26) which means he’s holding up roughly 720 pounds with just his own damn hands and arms.

in his pursuit to master mechanics while being fully independent in doing so, not needing to rely on his brothers to help him move things from the junkyard to his lab to the final piece, he’s unknowingly made himself the team muscle, too. my brother in bushido, do you even lift? yes.

anyway the entire point of this section is to say that whenever i see 03 don written as the physically weak one because he’s the nerd and not the most skilled fighter, i’m immediately yeeting myself out of the conversation. he’ll scrap with you in the vacant lot behind the arby’s and win.

yet another section about the first half of season 4

since we talked about raph and leo’s perspectives in this area of the show--and since i plan on dedicating a section for mikey in his post--don deserves a lookover as well.

if you were to ask me who was probably coping the worst with the outcome of exodus, it’d obviously be leo. duh. but if you were to ask me who was coping the worst aside from leo, i would place my money on don. the series doesn’t allow him to process like it did with leo, and if you zoom out a bit and look at season 3… there’s not a lot of time, we can assume, between sainw and exodus. narratively, there are three episodes, but two of them (the real world parts 1 and 2) take place on the same day as sainw. in both sainw and exodus, don is the last man standing at the end of the fight. in sainw he defeats the shredder after his brothers have perished. in exodus, master splinter and his brothers are all downed. leo and raph are even lying beside each other again. the whole thing had to’ve been too close for comfort on a variety of levels. a slap of deja-vu he didn’t ask for and that no one else in the room is going to understand.

we don’t get to see a lot of don directly engaging with leo’s shift in attitude throughout the earlier half of season four and, maybe while not purposeful by the writers, i think at least some of that could be contributed to his 5 dipping into his 7. where raph is challenging leo’s attitude shift and starting to push him away by becoming hostile (as a way of protecting himself), don is just straight up not engaging with leo at all if he can help it. in his head, he doesn’t have the energy or capacity to deal with this right now. his own inner resources are low, he’s still healing from sainw and exodus on his own, and not only does he not want anyone to know about that, he just can’t deal with leo’s needs at the moment.

his shared glee with raph over mikey having to do a rematch with kluh (s4ep6) could even be attributed to his 7’s desperate and scattered need for a distraction--a change of pace--oh, thank god, not only will this keep leo’s attention off ME and he’ll stop dragging me into training, but maybe it’ll humble mikey enough to get him to stop antagonizing raph for a day because the air around here is already too tense.

when we get to the opening of samurai tourist (s4ep13), don points out that raph’s right in recognizing leo’s shift in behavior is getting worse, but he does so in a way that's uncharacteristically removed for him.

“leo’s gotten really intense. ever since our final showdown with the shredder, he just seems so… angry."

like... this is an extremely surface level observation for the same guy who noticed that they very well could have been in nano’s position had master splinter not been a good person (s2ep11), or who pointed out to mikey that he shouldn’t call the undergrounders ‘monsters’ when to most people they are ALSO monsters (s1ep14), or who connected the dots that if it hadn’t been for the shredder they never would have become mutants (s2ep9), or who didn’t hesitate to give zog a breathing aid because he knew oxygen was poisonous to him (s2ep19)--just to name a few instances.

don has consistently throughout the series been empathetic and aware of the experiences and emotions and needs of the people they encounter. now, one of the people he knows better than anyone else on the planet has drastically changed, but all he can say is that he seems angry. don isn’t in a healthy enough place to feel secure in using his inner resources to spend on leo. they’ve all likely been focused inward and on keeping himself afloat, keeping his own struggles invisible and minimized, keeping his head down while tensions rise between raph and leo.

again, i wish so badly that the series had taken the time to explore the ripple effect of leo’s damage as well as any healing that the other brothers needed to do rather than simply saying “they’ve all healed, but you, leo, have not”. because i just don’t believe that. i do like that the brothers seem to be responding in their own ways to leo’s shift, with don and raph being on the unhealthier end of that and mikey being on the healthy side, but… yeah. wish we had a half season to explore all of them. guess that’s what fanfiction’s for.

conclusion

as mentioned in part 1, the two books i referenced and heavily pulled from in the more enneagram-focused sections of this project (the parts where the enneagram itself is explained rather than how it applies to the turtles) were:

the wisdom of the enneagram by don richard riso & russ hudson

the road back to you by ian morgan cron & suzanne stabile

oh my god, i can’t believe i only have one post left in this series to do. after over a year of working on this thing to finally see it come to a close is kind of wild. honestly, it was getting to the point i was wondering if i’d do it at all (which is why i just FORCED myself to post the disclaimer post as a way of holding myself accountable jfdkls).

anyway, i’m very excited. mikey’s the last one to go, and--as i had a reason i chose to cover raph first--i have a reason i chose to cover mikey last. the reason might be evident if you’ve been paying attention, too. but i’ll elaborate on that a bit more once we get into the post itself. u-u/!

thank you so, so much for reading yet again, and i hope you enjoy the warm drinks and snacks i set out for you. see you in the next one!

[beecreeper]

🏆🎷🎺🔱🔔 for all the fellas :>

Sorry for the last response! 🔔 And 🎺 answered in a previous post, the rest under the cut!

🏆 (trophy) – What accomplishment is your oc proudest of? Why?

This one was reaaaaaally hard to answer for some reason seriously this took me two days to think about

Because, I mean, it really depends on where they are in their timeline. So instead of giving you a detailed top answer, I’ll give you a sort of flyover highlight reel.

Briar – killing her druid circle in Bhaal’s name (also one of the things she feels worst about but don’t tell her that), pulling off the crown heist, successfully manipulating Bane’s Chosen to be under her thumb (yup she’s 100% in control of that relationship and definitely isn’t getting affected by it herself hahaha), making SO many people kill themselves in the shadow lands seriously that was so funny, being Bhaal’s perfect chosen princess and taking over the world

Ferox – taking his oath and resisting his urges (you know. while that lasted.) uuuuuuuh didn’t feel proud of a single thing for his entire Bhaalist era. Post-tadpole we got resisting Bhaal, taking his new oath, learning swordplay, and so on.

Molli – Mastering an exceptionally hard piece on her concertina, getting a gig at a *real* tavern in a big city like Baldur’s Gate (not like the piddly little tavern back in her hometown), being decent enough at playing that Gortash lets her keep doing it. Sometimes. When she earns it. Saving Mirkon from the Harpies. Breaking the Shadow Curse. Surviving years in Avernus fighting alongside her wife.

🎷 (saxophone) – How charismatic is your character? If they have high charisma, what do they use it for? If they’re not charismatic, how does that affect their life?

Briar has crazy high charisma (though it does takes a hit post-tadpole) She’s particularly good at lying and persuasion. She's charismatic like Regina George is charismatic. Like, everyone KNOWS she’s a mean bitch (unless she’s actively putting on a mask and specifically trying to fool someone). No one is under delusions that they’re a nice and likeable person, but they have cult of personality regardless.

Ferox’s charisma is gaaaarbage. He has NO idea how to express himself and is generally pretty bad with words. He also has half orc prejudice working against him, so most people perceive him as being brutish at worst and kinda dim at best.

Molli’s charisma is… mixed? Like, she has better surface level charisma than she does interpersonal charisma (her interpersonal interactions are also hampered by really low wisdom/insight). Performance proficiency but NOT persuasion, you know?

🔱 (trident) – Is there anything your character would kill for? Why or why not?

Pffffffffff the better question for Briar is if there is something she *wouldn’t* kill for. She wholly embraces her urge and lets impulse kills run rampant throughout her peak Bhaalist years. She only refrains from killing if it would be immediately inconvenient. And even then. Like, she can see how keeping Gortash alive *for now* will result in her being able to conduct even broader slaughter in her father’s name so she restrains herself. Post-tadpole, her priorities are TADPOLE OUT first and indulge murder impulses second, so she abstains from killing anyone that would be useful in pursuit of goal number one (the companions, for instance). She’s able to get more than enough to slate her bloodlust in the course of adventuring that she doesn’t *need* to kill her companions. Yet. Eventually. She’ll see how it goes.

Ferox. Well it’s complicated for him (as many things are). Obviously the urge is there, making him split throughout almost his entire life. Part of him *wants* to kill. For any reason. For no reason. Indiscriminate slaughter. And part of him haaaates that. But that also doesn’t mean that the non-urge part of him doesn’t find reasons to kill either. For duty, to follow orders (goblin era). For noble reasons, to try to help people (Myrala era). For nihilism, “every one of us is doomed me especially” (Bhaalist era). And then post tadpole he’s gotta sort out all that tangled motivation spaghetti in his ruined brain.

Molli is pretty obviously the most reluctant of the three to kill but that borderline gets crossed FAST on the naultiloid. Self preservation and fear can do a lot, especially when you can suddenly shoot eldritch magic out of your fingers. The ordeal with the goblins also makes it clear pretty quickly that this is something she *has* to do. There are people out here actively try to kill her and a BUNCH of other people. And since she actually HAS

[professorspork]

Yasher koach, the Yom Ki-post is a bat mitzvah girl. Year 13 has arrived.

Over this past month, taking stock of myself and figuring out what I would want to write about/challenge myself over this year, I was particularly stricken by just how much these posts spiral, repeating themselves every few years. I've written before about how disappointed in myself I've been to keep returning to the same issues, but this year I face that truth with... well to say "acceptance" makes it sound like I'm not going to resist my impulses, and that's not what I mean. I face that truth with a sort of resigned recognition of fact. This is my pattern: I get incensed, I get active, I get tired, I get complacent, the cycle repeats.

In past years, I beat myself up over whether this practice serves any real purpose beside my ego, but this year I found myself really looking forward to it, to digging into it. Once again, when I tell new friends about this tradition they are moved, interested, fortifying. And the rabbi approved, so there's that. Ultimately, Yom Kippur is about facing the self with clear eyes, and that's very hard to do when you're like "well it's not very humble to talk about myself so much."

And that's sort of where I've been this year--thinking about selfishness and what it means to be self-centered. I have spent the last 10 months deep in wedding planning, which is the most profoundly self-obsessed thing anyone can do. Never before have I been so tender with myself, so accommodating to my own whims, so miserly and possessive when asked to think about anything else. And while sure, I think most people would agree that getting married is a perfectly understandable time to take a selfish, this holiday isn't about what's understandable. It's about what's right. The whole point is to hold yourself to a higher standard.

I have been weak. Too often I have failed to make the required effort to do my work conscientiously, to give my full attention to those who needed me, to speak the kindly word, to do the generous deed, to express my concern for my friends. ... How I wish I had learned to master myself; to control my impulses; to curb my craving for pleasure, power and possessions; to display consistently those qualities which are most admirable in others!

This year, I put blinders on. I am sorry for all the times I did not donate to worthy causes and to people in greater need than I, demurring instead about my 'wedding budget.' I am sorry for the conversations I steamrolled or only paid half my attention to, because I was in bride mode. I am sorry for the expectations and responsibilities I saddled my family and friends with in order to make this day happen without sufficient warning, sufficient gratitude, sufficient understanding. I am sorry for the way I built this cocoon around myself and then demanded everyone honor it. I do not think I have been a monster, but I have made actively different and more insulated choices this year because of my upcoming wedding, and to say that that's all just fine isn't in the spirit of teshuvah. I could have done better. I could have demanded more of myself, instead of being the architect of my own coasting.

Part of this hunkering-down has been because I find myself at a crossroads. I genuinely have no idea what my life will look like when we next open the Book of Life a year from now; I have no clue what this year's chapter has in store for me. My career is a complete question mark, and my path is once again entirely open. I lay down the gauntlet to myself now that, whatever road I end up taking, I leave room for the rest of the world. I can't be all-or-nothing with my time management; I want to be cognizant of my pattern spiral enough that I can lean in the other direction.

Maybe that's-- not the best we can hope for, but the reason Yom Kippur is built the way it is. So we can be adults about this and say "hey self, you're back on your bullshit again and you know it, cut it out." And maybe we never fully will, but we can see it enough to try. To set aside time to know what our bullshit is and correct for it.

Or to put it another way: being mad at myself for past failures isn't the same thing as doing the work. And maybe if I spent less time jawing about it, I'd have more time to actually change the things I want to.

Forgive me the past, and lead me into the future.

A Yom Kippur Meditation

In my individuality I turn to you, O God, and seek Your help. For You care for each of your children. You are my God, and my Redeemer. Therefore, while around me others think their own thoughts, I think mine; and as each one of them seeks to experience Your presence, so do I.

Each person’s abilities are limited by nature and by the circumstances we have had to face. Whether I have done better or worse with my capacities than others with theirs, I cannot judge.

But I do know that I have failed in many ways to live up to my potentialities and Your demands. Not that You expect the impossible. You do not ask me: “Why have you not been great as Moses?” You do ask me: “Why have you not been yourself? Why have you not been true to the best in you?”

I will not lay the blame on others, though they may have wronged me, nor on circumstances,  though they may have been difficult. The fault lies mainly in myself.

I have been weak. Too often I have failed to make the required effort to do my work conscientiously, to give my full attention to those who needed me, to speak the kindly word, to do the generous deed, to express my concern for my friends. I have not loved enough, not even those closest to me.

…

I have much that I failed to do. There is also much that I wish I had not done. By many words and deeds I have caused harm. It is not easy now to remember the details; out of guilt I tend to shut them out of my consciousness. But clearly or dimly, the regretted memories now come back to me. I have, in many ways, hurt my sisters and brothers; I have betrayed their trust, offended their sensibilities, damaged their self-respect. Sometimes, indeed, I have done harm from what seemed at the time good motives. Sometimes my supposed love for others was in reality only a desire to dominate them. And sometimes what I took to be righteous indignation was only uncontrolled anger or unforgiving vindictiveness.

How I wish I had learned to master myself; to control my impulses; to curb my craving for pleasure, power and possessions; to display consistently those qualities which are most admirable in others! Have I made any progress at all in this, the greatest of all arts, the art of living? Perhaps a little; certainly not enough.

Why? Because I have not been true to myself. Because I have not nurtured sufficiently the good in me. For there is good in me. “The soul that You have given me is pure!” There is that in me which condemns me when I do wrong and urges me to do right, which holds up before me the ideal, and challenges me to reach toward it. There is in me a spark if Your divinity.

How to realize the ‘divine image’ in me— there is the question and the answer. Surely it means to seek You more earnestly, to submit myself to Your will; to say to you: Here I am; mould me, guide me, command me, use me, let me be Your coworker, an instrument of Your redemptive purpose.

Help me then, O God; help me always, but especially now, on this sacred Day of Atonement; help me to banish from myself whatever is mean, ugly, callous, cruel, stubborn, or otherwise unworthy of a being created in Your image. Purify me, revive me, uplift me. Forgive me the past, and lead me into the future, resolved to be Your servant.

May the words of my mouth, and the meditations of my heart, be acceptable to You, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer. Amen.

[dendrite-blues]

For a relatively short exchange, this scene is jam packed with characterization for Loki. 

It’s also our first reliable look into what Loki was like before Thor 1. Not as described by others, but first hand and from his own mouth. I think that deserves a closer look, to see what we can learn about Loki and how he thinks.

This scene is significant because it tells us what Loki’s personality is like when he’s not running for his life. It tells us who he was before his trauma and what his core beliefs are underneath those layers of humor and bravado.

Better yet, since he’s alone we can assume that every line in this scene is presumably true, or at least Loki believes it to be true since he has no audience but himself. 

The dialogue centers mostly around the statement “You deserve to be alone, and you always will be.” I’m not going to focus too much on the “alone” motif since I already dedicated an entire meta post to it.

What I think is more interesting about this scene is actually the looping, and the stages Loki goes through in trying to deal with it. There’s a lot of really interesting character traits on display in that progression.

Loop 1: A Warm Bath and Glass of Wine

The first loop entails Sif lecturing Loki about cutting her hair, kicking him in the balls, and storming away. Loki kneels on the floor and he gives us this great line:

“A bad memory prison? How quaint. Some punishment. I remember exactly what I did after that. I went and had a nice, hot bath and a glass of wine, and I never thought about it again. Because it was just a bit of fun.”

So we can take this to be Loki’s default reaction to pain and criticism. When put into an unexpected conflict without any forethought or outside influence, this is what he says/does.

1) Downplay the damage/threat. How quaint. 2) Dispel/soothe the emotion. Nice hot bath. 3) Minimize the impact. Never thought about it again. 4) Deflect responsibility. Just a bit of fun.

Keep those in mind as we move forward, since we’ll be using them to make sense of what else Loki says in this scene.

Loops 2 and 3: Okay, Sif, Hang On

This bit is about Loki realizing just how bad his predicament is.

L: Okay. Okay, Sif. Hang on. S: No, you hear this. You deserve to be alone... And I always will be. L: Alright, I get it. Listen. You are a reconstruction of a past event created by the organization that controls all of time. So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah? S: Pathetic. (she kicks him again) L: (winces and groans)

As we all would expect from him, Loki’s first impulse is to try and talk his way out of it. What he says to achieve that goal is pretty revealing though. Because he doesn’t try to ease Sif’s upset by apologizing or explaining or offering to magic her hair back. 

Any of these would have been more likely to save his nads in the given circumstance, right? The present threat is Sif, and she’s mad about what Loki did to her hair. But Loki doesn’t really see that. Rather, he treats her as a means to an end.

“So you need to trust me and you need to help me escape. Yeah?”

To me, that choice reveals something of a blind spot Loki has to the feelings of others. Even if he doesn’t actively like hurting people, he does prioritize their problems below his, and quite shamelessly. And at least on his first impulse, he doesn’t seem to feel much remorse or empathy for them.

Usually in fanon we attribute this callousness to his trauma. He’s learned that no one can be trusted and no one cares, and so he doesn’t allow himself to care for others. 

But between his Loop 1 sentiment of “It was just a bit of fun” for an event which caused real hurt to Sif, and his Loop 2/3 behavior of “you, stop being mad and help ME” I think it’s reasonable to say that selfishness/low empathy are traits Loki possessed pre-trauma.

Loop 4-????: Happens Off Screen

It’s unclear how many times Loki loops while the camera is following Mobius, but the implication is clear that it was been many, many repetitions. Somewhere in this his denial and deflection must break, because we come back to a much humbler, more pleading Loki.

The Final Loop: I Crave Attention

S: You conniving, craven... L: Sif. Sif. S: ...pathetic worm. L: Please, please, no more. Please, I beg you. I'm a horrible person. I get it. I really am. I cut off your hair because I thought it'd be funny. And it's not. Uh... I crave attention... because I'm... a narcissist. And I suppose it's... It's because I'm scared of being alone.

HOOO BOY, so this is quite a tough bit to analyze. There’s a lot of interpretations you could make, and a lot of topics to delve into. For the sake of focus, I’m going to ignore the narcissism question. That one really needs an entire post, and I want to focus on something else here.

That being, Loki’s way of processing conflict/punishment.

I’ve always found it strange how Loki takes such pride in being called a liar and cheat when he simultaneously has this chip on his shoulder about how nobody likes him. 

Those two traits don’t seem to play well together, and I always scratched my head over how they coexist in his character. If he wants people to be nicer to him, maybe he should stop antagonizing them? Yeah?

Well, here we’re finally given a clear reason. Loki craves attention, he hates being alone. So how does he avoid it? Pranks and mischief. 

Fair enough.

But then, if all his pranks lead to this outcome--outrage, retaliation, insult--why doesn’t he ever learn? How is it that after 1000 years of this behavior, he hasn’t found a better way to get the attention he craves? 

Loop 1: Downplay, dispel, minimize, deflect. He accepts zero accountability for the impact of his actions, and doesn’t think at all about how they affect other people. Just a bit of fun. I had a hot bath and a glass of wine, and never thought about it again. 

The only reason he reaches the level of self awareness on display in the Final Loop is because the looping forces him to contemplate his actions and the impulses within him that lead to that behavior.

This is projection on my part, but to me he acts as though this kind of deep reflection is a new thing for him. He sounds like someone sharing a revelation that he’s just had about himself. We’re being shown that Loki is a man of action. He will always move forward if he can, possibly because looking back to so painful that he can’t bring himself to do it.

Circling back around to the pride Loki has for his knavery, let’s suppose that he’s been on this negative reinforcement cycle since childhood. He’s always acted out to get attention, then received retaliation and insults for it, and then pushed the bad feelings out of his mind with creature comforts and mental gymnastics.

What happens over time, when you’re being constantly told that you’re a pain in the ass and no one likes you? Most of us would take it to heart, but Loki doesn’t. He has a big ego, big enough to resist that constant barrage of hate coming at him.

So how does he marry these two conflicting realities? 

He turns it into an identity, the God of Mischief. 

In his head, Loki excuses himself of blame by shifting the culpability to his moniker. It’s not that he’s immature and petty, he’s just a “trickster.” It’s in his nature to cause trouble, so he can’t help it. You wouldn’t dangle a steak in front of a tiger and blame the tiger for striking, would you? And if other people can’t take a “joke” then that’s not his fault, that’s on them for not having a sense of humor. It was just a bit of fun.

Here we see the union of these two halves of Loki, the lonely ice runt and the mischievous scamp. (And a little bit of the original Loki who Thor accused of being incapable of growth!) 

By refusing to think about others, and excusing himself from responsibility, Loki successfully preserves his self worth and insulates himself to most of the negative emotions he experiences.

Pain, embarrassment, and grief aren’t pointless emotions though. They are vital feelings that serve to regulate our behavior, and that push us to conform to the ways of our social circles. Without them, we annoy and upset others. Be annoying for long enough and you will eventually find yourself, well, alone. As Loki is.

Thus “Mischief” is a self-defeating loop, and Loki is just as caught in it as the cell Mobius trapped him in.

In order to be free of both traps, Loki has to stop running. He has to take a deeper look at himself and realize how much he is getting in his own way. The entire scene is one big parallel between these two “loops.” Pretty neat, huh?

Sadly these kinds of thought loops are really difficult to break, they’re buried so deeply in our personalities and habits that we usually don’t notice them until life forces us to address them.

The cell is Loki’s wake up call, and thankfully he does seem to rise to the occasion. He tells Sif quite clearly what his problem is, and he does it with beautiful, painful honesty.

Which is why it’s so fucking awesome for Mobius to acknowledge that, and to finally give Loki a taste of positive attention. 

You don’t deserve to be alone. I believe you can be anything, even something good. Whatever you two did, it was powerful enough to bring this whole place down.

It’s a beautiful scene. Well written, meticulously acted. The clarity of vision in the pacing and shot selection, it’s really something special.

[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[demonsigh]

the hypnagog

rating: orange/lime (ambiguous) pairing: male human x genderless eldritch entity features: first contact, unnatural anatomy warnings: drug and alcohol use/abuse, insomnia length: 1962 words

Too many substances and too little sleep allow a college student to encounter an otherworldly being. Based on this prompt submitted to @monsterkinkmeme​

Peter was picking up some bad habits in college, just as his mother had feared he would. Chemical Engineering was a difficult major, and it was, perhaps, taking a little bit more from him than he had to give. He was eventually forced to cut corners.

The first thing to go was sleep. Sleep had always felt like a waste of time to Peter, something he had stubbornly resisted even as a child. When he started to fall behind in his coursework, he simply stayed awake later and later each night. It was exhilarating. How, he wondered, had he spent his whole life squandering these long, hidden hours of the night on sleep? No more. Now he was in control, and that time was his for the taking.

Admittedly, studying wasn’t his only occupation during those reclaimed hours. He drank a lot too, and got high, and eventually, occasionally, he did cocaine. There was always someone he knew who wanted to party or barhop or do this or try that. For Peter — stressed and single and a little bit stupid from the lack of sleep — these invitations were almost impossible to resist. More sleep was sacrificed to accommodate these distracting activities.

Stubborn as he was, it was never that hard for Peter to keep himself awake at night. But it did become increasingly difficult to concentrate on whatever task he was rushing to complete: a paper due Friday; an exam on Monday; even a conversation with a friend. Coffee no longer had any effect. He drank energy drinks instead for a time, but they made him unbearably anxious.

He started to take Adderall, which he obtained from a friend of a friend. It worked wonders in small doses. His mind was clearer, sharper. His thoughts flowed more readily. His memory became infallible. The well of dark hours that he had uncovered was filled once again with potential. It felt so good, in fact, that it was hard to resist taking more than he needed.

The year steamrolled on, with Peter beneath it. Sometimes he stayed awake for days at a time. He would look at the calendar and suddenly realize that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept. The day before? The day before that? He began to live through his days in a haze, a stupor where his body did the right things, and his mouth said the right things, but the things they did and said were not quite under his control. He seemed to sleepwalk through all of his daily routines, and he only ever truly felt awake at night.

This is dangerous, he thought sometimes, but didn’t stop, until the effects of sleep-deprivation began to creep up on him. He was losing weight. He caught colds with coughs that lingered right up until the next one took hold. His moods swung erratically, and his hands sometimes shook for no reason.

He reluctantly admitted that he needed to get more sleep. But the problem now was that he couldn’t sleep, even when he forced himself to try. The long nights he spent drifting in and out of wakefulness left him feeling more miserable than ever, vaguely afraid, and deeply, troublingly tired.

He decided to try Ambien, which he obtained from another friend of another friend. Like the Adderall, this too worked wonders. That first night, he got in bed right after taking the pill, and woke up almost fifteen hours later. He didn’t feel well, exactly, but it had to be a step in the right direction.

But the trouble with Peter and Ambien, was that Peter was good at keeping himself awake. The next time he took one, he got right into bed once again; but then he couldn’t resist checking his email. A response from his TA, with feedback on a draft. Looking over the feedback made him livid. He typed out a furious reply, so angry that he was trembling, and right before hitting Send, he realized that he couldn’t understand what he’d written, and that he couldn’t remember what had made him so angry in the first place. It was becoming difficult to read at all. The letters were all jumbled and tangled together. Random words jumped out at him as if they’d been placed under spotlights, looking urgently meaningful in ways that he couldn’t articulate.

The Ambien, he thought, shaken. He carefully placed his phone back on the nightstand, then stared up into the dark ceiling. The darkness overhead had acquired a shape: an enormous, intricate tangle of heavy black tubes and coils, hanging over him like a grotesque chandelier. It was floating in the air above his bed, writhing and shivering as if it were alive.

He wasn’t alarmed at first. Sometimes Peter saw things like this while he was falling asleep. But they normally resolved themselves into nothing after a few moments of concentration. This vision, on the other hand, seemed to grow in clarity and intensity the longer he looked. A deep and sickening fear took hold of him. He was disoriented. He couldn’t understand what he was looking at. He wanted to move, to escape, but his body would not obey him.

It had no face, but Peter knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that this creature was looking at him. The vision grew stronger. The phantom expanded. Before his eyes it was unfolding itself and unfolding itself, revealing itself, peeling back layers of his mind to make room for itself. Its voice entered his thoughts in whispers, and he realized he could understand the words.

“That’s twice now that you’ve seen me,” it said.

Had he…? Yes. This was the second time. He had seen this creature before, perhaps even spoke to it, on that first night he took Ambien. He was starting to remember. He hadn’t fallen asleep as quickly as he’d thought.

The Ambien, Peter remembered. I took an Ambien.

Then was he hallucinating? The question slipped away from him. Nothing in the world was as real as the creature before him. It was hyper-real. He still couldn’t understand what he was looking at. It was constantly changing, folding and unfolding, twisting itself into elaborate geometric patterns that were beautiful in their strangeness and complexity, then collapsing again into its undulating masses of tubes and limbs.

“You see me too,” said Peter. He felt that he had spoken, though his lips did not move, and he heard no sound.

“I can always see you,” said the creature. “But tonight I can feel your awareness upon me.” A pause, and then, reverently, “It’s thrilling.”

The fear Peter had felt before was gone. This creature’s presence was somehow careful and gentle, settling over him like a blanket, and filling him with a sense of helpless peace. Its endless display of shifting forms was hypnotic, lulling him rather than exciting him. He felt himself settle more deeply into the bed under the warm, comfortable weight of its company.

“What are you?” he whispered.

“Something that humans are not supposed to see,” came the soft, mournful reply. “You’ve been hurting yourself, Peter. It’s reshaping your mind.”

“I know,” Peter said, and to his surprise he felt tears spring from the corners of his eyes. He didn’t bother to wonder how this creature knew his name, or how it knew that he’d been coming undone for months. For all he knew he was talking to God, although he didn’t think this was what God was supposed to look like.

“I’m all fucked up,” he confessed, throat thick. “And I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know where to start.”

“You may start,” said the creature, “by abandoning this drug. It is not meant for you, and will not help you in the end.”

“But I need sleep,” Peter insisted. He could hear his own voice again. He sounded terrible. He could move now too, he realized. He raised his hand to wipe the tears from his face, only to find that his eyes were dry.

“Ah…” sighed the creature. “Humans and their sleep.”

Its twisting, impossible body seemed to sink, settling more heavily into the space over Peter; impressing itself more deeply upon his thoughts. Peter could see now that every square-inch of its coiling appendages had its own shifting, miniscule topography: tiny, recursive patterns of peaks and folds, like a Mandelbulb, rotating and revolving as he watched. There seemed to be no limit to its complexity. 

“It’s curious, isn’t it?” said the creature, in its gentle, contemplative voice. “Your little sojourns to the void? Sleep is so much like death. It’s as if every night you must remind yourselves what death feels like, in order to continue to live.”

These words pricked something deep in Peter’s mind. It felt like… something… a revelation. A vital discovery, dangling just out of reach. He had the vague but insistent feeling that this knowledge would destroy him if he learned it, but that didn’t stop him from struggling towards it. It was so close, and absurdly, he found himself wishing for his little bottle of Adderall. But then the creature spoke again, and whatever terrible gnosis he may have been granted slipped away.

“I will help you,” it said, drawing closer. “I will come to you on the edge of sleep, and guide you there. It is so much like my realm. I will help you find your way.”

“I won’t be able to see you if I don’t take this drug again.”

“You will. The Wall has been breached, and I can reveal myself now without destroying you. You will see me again.”

The creature seemed very close now, although physical space was becoming confusing to Peter. He reached out a hand, wanting to touch the shifting, kaleidoscopic surface of its body. Would he feel nothing? Would it destroy him? He could not overcome the impulse. He pressed his hand into the thick labyrinth of winding limbs and coiled appendages. They accommodated the intrusion, wrapping around his hand, the touch not as solid as he had expected, but palpable, light and diffuse, like being pressed by thousands of tiny hands. Startled, he flexed his fingers, and a shudder went through the creature’s entire body.

“Did I hurt you?” Peter breathed.

“You cannot hurt me,” murmured the creature.

Peter slowly withdrew his hand, sending another tremor rippling through the network of convoluted flesh. A number of flickering tendrils remained twined with his fingers, anchoring him to the creature as he placed his hand back across his stomach. He was silent for a moment, watching its ceaseless transfigurations, struck dumb by the impossibility of its body.

“Why would you help me?” he finally asked.

“Because you have seen me,” it said slowly, “and I have rarely been seen. And rarer still have I been spoken to. It has connected us, Peter. And now that I have felt your suffering, I cannot bear it.”

Peter shut his eyes tight, to fight off more phantom tears. A dam inside of him was starting to break. All of his misery was finally catching up to him, and whatever this creature was — a god, or a demon, or a figment of his own imagination — its unexpected concern was overwhelming him.

“I see,” he whispered. He was sure that he was really crying this time.

“Are you ready to sleep?”

“Yes,” he whispered again.

And again he felt that vague premonition, that certainty, that his contact with this creature would annihilate him. But annihilation might be what he needed. Did anyone ever wake up as the exact same person that went to bed? He would wake up tomorrow as a slightly different Peter; wiser; repentant; and perhaps a little kinder to himself.

[gagmebucky]

[bad boy!bucky. teasing. kitten.]

“You’re fuckin’ responsive,” he answers himself, half-bemoaned like he can’t believe it, “like no one’s treated your little kitty like she deserves. But that’s okay ‘cause I’m here, and I’m gonna make it all better, kitten.” The last bit is a crooned promise. “Want me to fingerfuck your tight heat until you’re sobbing into the middle of my hand, don’t you?”

in which you’re supposed to tutor bucky but he has other plans. (includes bad boy!bucky x shy!reader, bucky’s pov, dirty talk, praise kink, teasing, fingering, mild exhibitionism and voyeurism.)

do not repost.

—

“Shouldn’t you be closer?” Bucky quirks a quizzical eyebrow from across the library table, lips slanted in the faintest of smirks, resisting a full blown show of teeth lest he intimidate you further. 

Stacked shelf to shelf, the book-laden expanse is desolate on an eight o’clock evening. The maze of literature has a plethora of tables and chairs on in-house reading; of which, the both of you are stationed at one. At the farthest corner of the room, he’s moored you in a coven of privacy: obscured from the front desk by towers of wood and bound paper. 

At the opposing head of the rectangular surface, you look up; the first glance in ten minutes since arriving for the studying session as you procrastinated under the guise of arranging the work space. Your wide eyes connect with his, and you swallow. “I. . . I,” you stammer before clearing your throat and nodding. “Yes. I - I suppose I should.” 

His fingers flex subconsciously at the anticipation of having you within reach. “Okay, c’mon,” he encourages, settling forward as he pats the open seat beside him. “I won’t bite, kitten.” Before he can control himself, a smirk upturns his naturally redden lips, words drawling out like gravel, “Unless, of course, you want me to.” 

Your pretty face darkens a bashful shade, and your mouth opens then shuts. You diligently gather your materials, fumbling some underneath the intensity of his carnivorously blue gaze. Once you’ve packed up your textbook and writing utensils, you grapple them to your chest. “I am just your tutor, James, and all we’ll be doing is studying,” you state, hushed and insistent, almost as if to convince yourself. 

His tongue swipes across his bottom lip, his teeth following to nibble on them before releasing. “Whatever you say, kitten,” he claims, but there’s a covetous glint in his dilated pupils that says otherwise.

Albeit with hesitation, you pad down to the chair directly diagonal from him and sit. A unique lull of vanilla and cinnamon greet his senses, another intoxicating whiff when you flip your physics book open to a chapter about electromagnetic waves. 

After skimming it with your eyes, you straighten. “Okay, um,” you say without looking at him. “Are you sure you want me to tutor you? Because it’s not my major, and I’m only getting a B—”

“I’m sure.” 

Unbeknownst to you—and to anyone who looks at him—he’s getting an A in Introduction to Cosmology. The thing is, he heard you’re one of the volunteer tutors; what’s a better way to get to know you than through deceiving you into being alone with him in a nearly empty library. 

A part of him feels guilty for that but it’s a necessary evil. Utilizing your predilection for helping others, he’s finally gotten you on your own. With your generally skittish personality, amplified when it comes to a roguish reputation like his, it was his only course of action. And he’s wanted this, wanted you for awhile now. 

Ever since he’s seen you in the front row of class, jotting down line and line of lecture, catching glimpses of your face buried in a book underneath the campus tree, he hasn’t been able to get you out of his head. But upon approaching you, you were all stuttering and clumsily running away. 

Turns out, his capable temper and brazenly illicit activities are more infamous than he initially thought. Which he should feel proud about, not annoyed by. But given its fault in thwarting his courting of you, there’s a flicker of agitation. 

That particular emotion is simmering with every second he inhales your bewitching aroma and eyes your beauty up-close. Warmly dimmed lights cast down a glow on your face, the shadow of your cheekbones, the length of your fluttering lashes. Your eyebrows are pinched cutely in concentration as you scan over his error-ridden homework, pink tongue peeking against your upper lip. 

God. You’re so cute. But in a way that makes him want to sheathe himself inside you as deep as possible and watch you writhe around on his cock beneath him. 

His jaw locks briefly as desire pits in his stomach. And, he knows he’s staring, an intensity of hunger display within his shark-like eyes. Undoubtedly, you see through his storming oceanic pools and know that there’s a gluttony of dastardly impulses flashing through his mind; carnal movies starring you and him in the leading roles. 

For the millionth time, you clear your throat. “S - so, I think we should go over the easy ones first. Then we - we. . .” you fumble over your instruction when his hand finds its way on your thigh, squeezing lightly through your skirt. You gulp and spare a nervous glance around then whisper, “What are you d - doing?” 

“Trying to learn,” he answers casually, moving his hand to slip underneath the fabric. He withholds a sound at the soft smoothness contrasting against his rough palm. Gauging your reaction, the shiver that slithers down your spine but the alarm widening your big eyes, he stills in place, tracing lazy circles with his thumb. “Aren’t you gonna help me, kitten?” 

You nod quickly. “Y - yes, of course.” You shuffle in your chair but he keeps a steady hold on you. “What I was saying is that, we’ll go slow then when you understand the basics, we’ll go f - faster with some harder problems.” 

“You know, I’m the type of person who prefers to go fast. I like to go in all at once, no preparation. . .” He licks his bottom lip. “Fast and hard. You think you can handle that, kitten?” On cue with the pet name, he glides his palm up your sensitive inner thighs, inching to where you’re radiating heat. 

Immediately, you gasp. “J - James!” you admonish a little too loudly and drop your pen to seize his wrist as it fixes between the cradle of your hips. “I - I’m trying to tutor you; what are you d - doing?” Despite the appalledness of your voice, your hips are instinctively bucking into the stimulation. 

“I’m listening,” he insists innocently, tilting his head as if perplexed by your fidgeting. “Is there something wrong? D’you need to use the bathroom?” 

You gnaw on your bottom lip, clearly crossed between calling him out and brushing it off. To his lucky surprise, you chose the latter. “L - let’s begin, then.” You relinquish his wrist and focus on the work splayed out on the table. “The test is coming up, and you’ll need to memorize the equations so - so—” When his hand reaches your panties and his index finger draws lines up and down your slit with the faintest of touches, you jolt, gasping, “James, we’re supposed to be studying!” 

The look on your face, he can't get enough of it: embarrassment attempting to cover the need shining in your sparkling eyes. “I am.” He chuckles huskily as he undulates his fingertips along your cloth-clad slit. “I’m studying your little pussy. And you wanna know what I notice right off the bat?” he questions like you can respond but you’re too busy shoving a fist in your mouth and smothering sounds as he goes to work. 

He kneads your sex crudely, manipulating the weeping flesh through soaked cotton between his fingers. He hasn’t touched you for more than a minute, and you’re already a puddle against the chair—slicked up and primed for something to fill up that tight hollowness inside you. 

“You’re fuckin’ responsive,” he answers himself, half-bemoaned like he can’t believe it, “like no ones treated your little kitty like she deserves. But that’s okay ‘cause I’m here, and I’m gonna make it all better, kitten.” The last bit is a crooned promise. “Want me to fingerfuck your tight heat until you’re sobbing into the middle of my hand, don’t you?”

As you nod with fluttering lashes, he bypasses your underwear and palms your hot, soft mound. A moan vibrates through his throat at the same time you squeal. He beelines for your clit, swollen and just begging for abuse—which he’s more than happy to provide, to wear the tiny bundle of nerves out until you just can’t stop shaking. 

The mere image of your cute self undone like that in the public has all the blood rushing to his cock and straining for release; for you to give him that release but that’s not his aim right here and now. Right here and now, it’s about corrupting someone as sweet and good as you—to be the blackguard that unravels you like candy bar and eats you whole. 

“G - god. That’s good,” you whimper, raking your nails down his muscular forearms, and he’ll wear the red marks with pride in the future. You survey the surroundings but he can’t care less about whether someone’s watching. “James. H - hold on—” 

He pauses and lifts a brow because you’re still rutting into his caress like a dog in heat. “You really want me to stop, kitten? ‘Cause your sexy body is telling me otherwise.” If you want him to stop, he has zero qualms about doing it; he’s willing to do whatever it takes to get you in your entirety. 

You shake your head. “N - no. I - I like it,” you whisper shyly, blinking those hypnotizing orbs at him. “But—”

Cutting you off, a familiar voice rings out, “Hey!” Deep and annoyingly authoritative, he identifies the blond librarian’s baritone pitch. Heavy footsteps on hardwood became louder as a build rivaling Bucky intevenes. “I heard someone yell—” 

Bucky grunts. “We’re just fine, Rogers.” He punctuates the word by parting a finger past your tumescented folds, sliding in with a curved angle until he hears your muffled but telltale choke that he's about to stroke your g-spot. A smirk curls into his lips as you slump in your seat, arms braced around your head to hide your face. “Oh, yeah. We’re doing great.” 

Steve narrows his eyes and folds his arms, nonverbally saying he won’t be brushed off that easily. “Am I seriously supposed to trust someone like you, Barnes?” he retorts with a scoff and takes a step closer to examine you. 

Which, if it were anyone else, he’d tell them to fuck off before he makes them. In this case, however, he’s knuckle deep inside you, and he sorta wants Steve to know that. In Bucky’s failed attempts to pursue you, he noticed that his childhood frenemy had also developed feelings for you, but is too daft to act on them. So, there’s some satisfaction in showing him you’re literally wrapped around his finger.

Your channel possesses him like a vice, practically gushing with every slow thrust, fevered like the contents of a volcano, and soft like silk; he knows you’ve been made to be seated around his cock. And with that conviction in his head, he’s going to show you off proudly.

“Kitten, why don’t you tell Stevie here that I’m taking good care of you?” Bucky purrs in your ear, gaze connected with the fiery depths of Steve’s. “Just reassure him that I’m handling my perfect little kitty just like she needs.” 

It takes you a minute to gather yourself—not that it helps—then you raise your head. Your face is dazed in unmistakable desire, a shimmering sheen of sweat around your forehead, pupils blown wide. “I - I’m fine,” you croak, a tone away from being a moan. “James is h - helping me.”

Satisfaction fills him, and he has to share how pleased he is with you. Keeping the heel of his palm flushed against your clit, the texturized pad of his finger rasps over that soft spot inside you over and over, speed quickening every time, making you sporadically spasm around him. 

The sensations hit you at once because you coil yourself into his embrace, trembling with your nose pressed into his chest, and his other arm huddles you close while his fingers play you like a fiddle. His black t-shirt does a decent job of suppressing your pleasure-heavy cries, but in a library setting, the noises are unmistakable. 

In shock—jealousy or arousal, both probably—Steve takes a step back, eyes like moons and lips parted as he watches the girl he has a crush on shudder and sob in the throes of orgasm within the arms of his frenemy. All the time, Bucky’s remain on his, an infuriating smirk upturned on his lips. 

Because he’s an asshole, he ducks down to stage-whisper in your ear, “That’s it, kitten. Squeeze my fingers, show me how tight you’ll feel bouncing on my cock. Be a good girl for me, and do exactly what I say.” Your cries crescendo, and your channel twitches warningly. “There she goes. You’ve got the softest, littlest, wettest pussy, don’t you, kitten? And I’m the only one who gets to have you, right?” 

Along with a nod, there’s a distinct bleat of, “Y - yes!” And that snaps Steve out of his perverse trance, blinking back into reality, and spinning on his heels to storm off, probably to jerk off or punch something. Either way, Bucky’s having the best time he’s had in awhile, and it’s all thanks to you. 

You bite into his pectoral through the blend of polyester and cotton when you cum, a sting that he absolutely loves. Your velvet walls pulsate and throb as you flood his hand, your whole body vibrating with the force that upheaves you. 

He rocks you through it: repeatedly cooes of “Good, kitten,” and waning strokes of his fingers, holding you snugly. Once the convulsions have stopped, he pops his finger free and sucks it clean. At the taste, a groan wrenches through his throat, and the urge to get on his knees and lap at the source dominates him. 

Blearily, you look up at him, all timid and such. And he feels his heart melt. “I don’t want you to fail,” you blurt out. “I’m sorry!” 

He cracks a grin. “It’s fine. I’m doing good in that class, anyway.” He cups your cheek. “I just wanted to hang out with you. Why don’t we get something to eat, and then later, I’ll eat you?” 

Although flustered, you nod with a small smile. “O - okay.”

[masterlist / feedback]

[kagetsukai]

OTP ship questions

So... this ship questions list has been making the rounds, and since I’m neck-deep in trying to finish up the story for Sam and Benji, I’ve decided to fill out ALL OF THEM. In one go. I’m extra, sue me.

(under a cut cuz I actually like you people) :P

PRE-RELATIONSHIP

1. How did they first meet?

Sam moved to Wayhaven and into Benji’s apartment complex. They didn’t start talking until Sam was getting mugged while on her run, Benji jumped in to help her, and then she punched him on accident. Benji does like to call it “love at first punch”

2. What was their first impression of each other?

Total heart eyes on both sides. They are both total cuties and they were eyeing each other before they actually started talking. Benji thought Sam was a little withdrawn and grumpy, while Sam thought Benji was really weird for grinning like a maniac all the time.

3. Did any of their friends or family want them to get together?

I mean, Tina was the driving force from the very beginning and super invested in those two idiots getting together. Once it was apparent how cute Sam and Benji were together, the entire damn town wanted them to get/stay together. Sam’s cousin Liz was like “please enjoy yourself with the man”. Hell, even Benji’s ex was happy for them!

4. Who felt romantic feelings first?

Benji. The man wears his heart on his sleeve AND is incapable of holding back. He also has more experience with knowing what such emotions feel like so he can recognize them quicker. He’ll also claim that he fell in love with Sam the moment she punched him, so there’s that.

5. Did either of them try to resist their feelings?

Both of them, actually! There’s a time limit on how long Sam will be staying in Wayhaven so both of them knew falling in love was a very bad idea. But they are so well-suited for each other that it was inevitable.

6. If you had told one of them that the other would be their soulmate, what would they think?

I think there would be an overwhelming “hell yeah!” on both accounts, because of how strongly they feel for each other. Sam would feel a sense of relief, because she grew up hearing stories of how her sperm donor (aka bio dad) just impregnated her mother and left her behind, so knowing Benji would actually stay and love her would be a happy news. Benji would be ecstatic to know Sam is his soulmate and would probably tell everybody who stopped long enough to be told. Deep down, he’d still doubt himself and the knowledge, because he has a long history of abandonment. Even with regular reminders, he’d still be afraid that Sam would decide one day that there had been a mistake and leave.

7. What would their lives be like if they had never met?

Sam would become a bonafide workaholic with a limited number of friends - to Liz’s constant frustration. If she managed to find someone that she liked well enough, she’d probably settle down with them eventually, but maybe not feel a great passion for them. Just a decent, average life in California.

Benji would have gotten together with Felix and have a happy, fulfilled life with him. He’d probably get turned into a vampire at some point, too.

GENERAL

1. Who initiated the relationship, and how did it go?

Benji initiated it. Sam rejected the idea of dating at first, but after some cajoling, she agreed to keep going out with him.

2. Did they have an official first date? If so, what was it like?

The first date was very casual and not really an official date - they went for dinner at a crab shack. Their second date was a little more dressy, with a dinner and a movie, and they both put in more effort into everything.

3. What was their first kiss like?

Amazing. Sam got a little tipsy and decided to leave a lipstick print on Benji’s neck as a way of “flirting”. Since the man is a slut for neck kisses, he took that as an invitation to have proper kisses and smooched her senseless right there and then. Sam did NOT complain.

4. Were they each other’s first anything (kiss, relationship, etc.)?

Sam had never had sex with a man before Benji (only had experiences with women), so it was a big deal when it happened. Benji made sure to take it slow and gave her a fantastic first-time experience.

5. What’s their height difference? Age difference?

Sam is 5’10 and Benji is 6’3, so there’s about 5 inches of difference between them. There’s about 2.5 years of difference between them in age.

6. What’s their relationship with each other’s families?

Sam ends up having a decent relationship with Rebecca, after some time. It’s a little difficult to interact with someone who is barely around, but Sam tries to be nice all the same (since it’s important to Benji). She definitely has a much closer relationship with Benji’s found family, Tina and all the older ladies who appointed themselves Benji’s guardians. They all love Sam dearly and the feeling is mutual.

Benji has a fantastic relationship with Liz and her husband/kids. The kids in particular looooove hanging off Benji and using him like a jungle gym. Benji and Liz have this pact of sorts where they would murder a bitch in order to protect Sam from harm - and be each other’s alibi, too. They did start off on a slightly wrong foot, but it got cleared up quickly. That being said, Benji is not fond of Sam’s extended family - they can be challenging.

7. Who takes the lead in social situations?

Benji, always. He’s the resident extrovert and will behave like a shield for when Sam feels overwhelmed with crowds or situations.

8. Who gets jealous easier?

Benji. He rarely acts on the emotion, though. At the beginning of the relationship, he’d just get quiet and in his own head a lot; later on he’d casually bring it to Sam to make sure he has nothing to worry about. 

Sam still gets jealous, though it’s not as common. After all, her man is fucking sexy and *of course* women would want to poach him. Gotta stay vigilant.

9. Who whispers inappropriate things in the other’s ear?

They are BOTH culprits of that one. Very often those are VERY explicit things, but mostly it’s just passing comments or even just sexy glances. Those two are *into* each other.

LOVE

1. Who said “I love you” first?

Sam, strangely enough. Having your life flash before your eyes sure makes you more willing to take chances with love ;)

2. What are their primary love languages?

Sam

Give: Acts of service, touch Receive: Quality time, touch

Benji: Give: Quality time, touch Receive: Touch, quality time

3. Who uses cheesy pick-up lines?

Benji, hands down. He’s a cheeseball.

4. How often do they cuddle/engage in PDA?

As often as they can get away with it. They are both touch starved idiots with a variety of abandonment issues, so being glued to each other is a natural state for them.

5. Who initiates kisses?

Benji, more often than not. He craves that physical reassurance from Sam ALL the time.

6. Who’s the big and little spoon?

Benji will want to be the little spoon as often as he can get away with it. He loves being held and having his hair played with, so settling half of his body into Sam’s lap is literally his favorite thing. That being said, when they sleep, he’s usually the big spoon.

7. What are their favorite things to do together?

Hiking and being active. When Benji was recovering from his stint at the hospital after Murphy, Sam would go with him on hikes to make sure he wasn’t pushing himself too much physically. Then they never stopped. Benji loves going places to photograph Sam for the millionth time. They will also go to the gym together, if their schedules align. They also love doing the couch potato things together: watching movies/Netflix or him playing video games while her feet are draped all over him as she reads her current murder mystery.

8. Who’s better at comforting the other?

Sam might be just a little better at it than Benji, but only because he has shitty impulse control and often will blurt out things he shouldn’t. Sam will generally sit and listen to Benji, cuddle him, pet his hair, etc. Benji will do similar things, but his need to crack jokes about inappropriate things gets him in trouble relatively often.

9. Who’s more protective?

Benji. He would NOT hesitate to murder a person in cold blood to keep Sam safe. It’s not exactly a healthy thing, but we all know the man needs therapy.

10. Do they prefer verbal or physical affection?

Benji is a cuddle monster and would be wrapped around Sam 24/7 if allowed. That being said, since Sam is a little reserved about verbalizing her feelings for him, anytime she says “I love you” first, he feels absolutely ecstatic.

Sam’s family wasn’t a very outwardly affectionate people, so she’s not used to either type of displays? That being said, since Benji is always a walking furnace, she absolutely loves when he gives her cuddles. It’s her favorite thing.

11. What are some songs that apply to their relationship, in-universe or otherwise?

*opens up their playlist*

Camila Cabello - Easy Amber Run - I Found Dermot Kennedy - Power Over Me X Ambassador - Unsteady Hozier - Work Song

12. What kind of nicknames do they call each other?

Benji calls Sam “baby” all the time. She usually just calls him Benji, but also occasionally “mi carino” or “my love”. Pretty sure he dies every time she calls him “my love”.

13. Who remembers the little things?

I feel like they’re both pretty good about remembering the little things. Sam is better about remembering significant dates, but that’s because she has a digital calendar and isn’t afraid to use it :P

DOMESTIC LIFE

1. If they get married, who proposes?

Benji is the one who proposes. It happens on a random night while getting ready for bed, while they’re both in the bathroom in their bedclothes. It’s adorable and very them.

2. What’s the wedding like? Who attends?

The wedding would most likely happen in Wayhaven. I can’t imagine either Benji or Sam wanting a huge ceremony, but since they’ve become the town’s favorite lovebirds, it kind of goes out of control. Once some of their supernatural friends get involved, it really goes a little crazy. It ends up happening at a city park so it can fit all of the attendees. Some of Sam’s family flies in from out of town. Tina is Benji’s best “man” and Liz is Sam’s matron of honor. Benji absolutely loses his shit when he sees Sam in the wedding dress walking down the aisle and totally disrupts the ceremony to try to kiss her out of turn. Other than a ridiculous number of people there (seriously, probably at least half of the town shows up), it’s a pretty chill party, with lots of remembrance of Sam’s mom and Benji’s dad. Let’s just say it was a good day :)

3. How many kids do they have, if any? What are they like?

There are a few AUs for these dorks, but in most of those they have two kids: a girl and a boy. Ella is precocious, outgoing, clever, and energetic. Liam is a giant cuddle bug with a gorgeous smile and a big heart, who prefers to tinker with things in a workshop than get involved with his older sister’s shenanigans.

4. Do they have any pets?

They eventually end up with two dogs that they take on their hikes. They only have one dog for the longest time because apartment living isn’t exactly conducive to pet ownership. Once they get a house, they expand their menagerie. There might be a stray cat they sorta adopt, too.

5. Who’s the stricter parent?

Sam, hands down. Benji is a giant pushover for his wife and children, and would let his kids climb all over him, as long as they were happy.

6. Who worries the most?

That really depends on what about. Benji is perpetually worried about keeping his family safe and provided for. Sam has anxiety about a variety of small things and it’s not hard for her to worry about random stuff.

7. Who kills the bugs in the house?

Depends on the bugs. Benji loathes spiders so Sam’s in charge of removing those. Sam absolutely cannot deal with centipedes and roaches, so Benji gets to kill those.

8. How do they celebrate holidays?

When it’s just the two of them, they either go visit one of their friends in town and spend it with them. Once kids arrive, they do holidays at home and tend to go big in the food department. Rebecca is always invited, but it depends on whether she can make it that time or not. They like it when holidays are warm and filled with happiness/laughter.

9. Who’s more likely to convince the other to come back to sleep in the morning?

Benji. If he’s not working that morning, he would not want to leave the bed and would do everything in his power to keep Sam in there.

10. Who’s the better cook?

Sam. Benji isn’t terrible at it, but Sam is so much better that he rarely bothers with it. Also, Sam tends to treat cooking as stress relief (chopping veggies is great anger management), so he lets her do the thing in peace. That being said, if she’s too tired to cook, or it’s been a long day, or the kids are demanding her attention, Benji feels comfortable enough in the kitchen to take over and make dinner.

11. Who likes to dance?

Sam, hands down. Her mom loved to dance so she grew up around it. Unfortunately, Benji has two left feet so she doesn’t have many opportunities to flex those muscles (outside of occasional slow-dancing in the kitchen). She will occasionally drag Tina out for a night of dancing and go to a salsa club. It can really hit the spot.

[marrysue]

ENNEAGRAM CHEAT SHEET 🌙

I’ve spent the past few weeks creating a basic guide to the nine types, intended to be helpful for both typing yourself (if you’re new to the Enneagram) and for better understanding your type, other types, and the work that comes with them (if you already know the system). I did my best to organize it in an accessible way that allows for use as a quick reference. If this is the first time you’re ever hearing of the Enneagram, though, there will probably be some unfamiliar vocab words, and it could be helpful to glance over how the system works. For even more obscure stuff that isn’t mentioned in the previous link (like Hornevian or Harmonic groups), search my blog, check out a credible resource, or feel free to send me an ask or DM! Likewise, if you’re interested in something, I’ll be happy to expand on it – this is all abbreviated and there’s more to say about everything mentioned. It’s still pretty long, though, so everything’s below the cut. 

Sources: 

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Dr. Beatrice Chestnut (much of this post is copied verbatim from this book)

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types by Don Richard Riso and Ross Hudson 

NINE

Basic Archetype: The person who seeks to harmonize with the external environment was a way of staying comfortable and peaceful, even though this means a loss of contact with their internal environment. Akin to the meaning behind both “fusion” and “union,” this archetype’s drive is to maintain a sense of calm and connectedness through merging with the outside and diminished awareness of the inside.

Key Traits: Over-adjustment and merging; resignation; easygoing nature/affability; indecision

Focus of Attention: Others; what is going on in the environment; avoiding conflict; creating harmony

Basic Fear: Loss of connection, of fragmentation

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be at peace (deteriorates into stubborn neglectfulness of oneself)

Core Emotion/Triad: Anger/Gut

Relationship to Core Emotion: “Underdo” anger; will report not (or rarely) feeling anger; anger leaks out in passive-aggression, passively resisting being controlled by others

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to assert yourself.”

Lost Childhood Message: “Your presence matters.”

Defense Mechanism: Dissociation – dimming of awareness; immersion in an activity; watering down the experience of life; avoiding feelings, needs, and wants through distraction

Emotional Passion: Laziness – a deadening of feeling; an inability to know what one wants; an inability to contact oneself; a hesitance to voice strong opinions or assert one's will in the world

Emotional Virtue: Right Action – A way of being that is awake and engaged and fully present to our natural impulses to know and move toward what we want and need

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Six (anxious and worried)

Can Unconsciously Be: Uncomfortable anxiety and sense of threat 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Move Nines out of inertia and stimulate them to action in support of themselves; allow them to go into their heads to analyze themselves

Direction of Integration (Growth): Three (self-developing and energetic)

Can Unconsciously Be: An anxious and confused sense of “doing” in response to extreme situations of not having done enough

Can Be Consciously Used To: Developmentally reestablish a healthy balance between supporting and attuning to others and doing what it takes to further their own achievements; re-engage with their lost sense of initiative and self-interested action

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Past/Withdrawing

Harmonic Group: Positive Outlook

Subtypes

Self-Preservation: “Appetite” – Instead of feeling an ongoing connection to their feelings, desires, and power, Self-Preservation Nines focus on merging with physical comforts and routine activities, such as eating, sleeping, reading, or doing crossword puzzles. SP Nines are practical, concrete people who focus on everyday things rather than abstractions.

Social: “Participation” (countertype) – Social Nines fuse with groups. They act out laziness when connecting with their own inner life by working hard to be a part of the different groups in their lives. Fun-loving, sociable, and congenial characters, Social Nines can be workaholics, prioritizing the group’s needs above their own. This high level of activity makes them the countertype of the three Nine subtypes.

Sexual: “Fusion” – Sexual Nines express the passion of laziness by merging with the important people in their lives. Sexual Nines unconsciously take on the attitudes, opinions, and feelings of others, because it can feel too hard to stand on their own. These Nines tend to be kind, gentle, shy characters who are not very assertive. 

What Nines Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Practice “remembering” themselves; ask themselves what they want; reframe conflict as a good thing that brings them closer to people; work to get in touch with their anger and be more direct; take baby steps toward conflict by practicing giving and receiving feedback; remind themselves that staying comfortable leads to discomfort; use the stress/growth points consciously 

EIGHT

Basic Archetype: The person who denies weakness and vulnerability by taking refuge in fearlessness, power, and strength. This archetype tends to express instinctual drives in a less inhibited way and to push back on whatever might restrict them. A personality with this archetype focuses on asserting control in big ways through an “expansive absolution” characterized by domination and intensity. This approach entails identification with a glorified self (rather than a diminished sense of self).

Key Traits: Anger and the willingness to confront; rebelliousness; punitiveness/revenge; dominance; insensitivity/ruthlessness; (idealization of) autonomy; sensory-motor dominance

Focus of Attention: Power; control; injustice; sources of satisfaction/stimulation

Basic Fear: Fear of being controlled, vulnerable, or harmed

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to protect oneself (deteriorates into constant fighting)

Core Emotion/Triad: Anger/Gut

Relationship to Core Emotion: Overdo anger; have easy access to angry energy, overcompensate for more vulnerable emotions by feeling anger instead

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to be vulnerable or to trust anyone.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You will not be betrayed.”

Defense Mechanism: Denial – habitual denial of vulnerability and weakness; “omnipotent control” and the belief that reality can be changed through confident self-assertion

Emotional Passion: Lust – a passion for excess, a passion that seeks intensity, not only through sex, but in all manner of stimulation: activity, anxiety, spices, high speed, the pleasure of loud music, and so on; an unapologetic attitude toward the quest for pleasure

Emotional Virtue: Innocence – a way of being that is free from guilt, pure of heart, and naturally connected to the flow of animal wisdom and nature as a whole; encompasses the ability to wake up to the animal or instinctual level of our functioning and to see and feel how it comes from a pure source in the natural order of things

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Five (secretive and fearful)

Can Unconsciously Be: An extreme response to an intense experience of stress, a mode of retreat Eights are driven to when their normal reliance on power and action has failed 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Help Eights develop a capacity of careful analysis conducted from a distance in place of overreliance on force, aggression, and bold (sometimes precipitous) action to get what they need

Direction of Integration (Growth): Two (open-hearted and caring)

Can Unconsciously Be: An acting out of the Two habits of “giving to get” and seducing through charm and helpfulness (compulsively and expansively doing things for others, giving advice, expressing physical affection); an unconscious search for the comfort of relationships during stress; a way to act out the disowned need for love they don’t usually allow themselves to feel

Can Be Consciously Used To: Developmentally reestablish a healthy balance between attuning to others’ feelings and needs and asserting their own needs 

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Future/Aggressive

Harmonic Group: Reactive

Subtypes

Self Preservation: “Satisfaction” – Self Preservation Eights express the passion of lust through a focus on getting what they need for survival. SP Eights have a strong desire for the timely satisfaction of material needs and an intolerance for frustration. SP Eights know how to survive in difficult situations and feel omnipotent when it comes to getting what they need. They are the least expressive and the most armed of the three Eight subtypes. 

Social: “Solidarity” (countertype) – Social Eights express lust and aggression in the service of others. A social antisocial person, this is the countertype of the Eights, a helpful Eight who appears less aggressive and more loyal than the other two Eight subtypes. The name “Solidarity” emphasizes their tendency to offer help when people need protection.

Sexual: “Possession” – Sexual Eights express lust through rebellion and the need to possess everyone’s attention. Sexual Eights are intense, charismatic characters who want to have control and influence. Instead of seeking material security, they try to get power over things and people. The name “Possession” refers to an energetic takeover of the whole scene – a need to feel powerful through dominating the whole environment. 

What Eights Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: See how rebellion against limits may lead to self-limitation; broaden their view of who has authority over the truth (how do you know you’re not wrong?); learn about limits; consult their heads and hearts before taking action; use aggression as a clue to underlying feelings; reframe vulnerability and weakness as expressions of great strength; catch themselves in the act of avoiding vulnerability and dependence; regularly inquire into their emotional depths and allow themselves to experience more feelings; make their need for love more conscious; consciously use the stress/growth points

SEVEN

Basic Archetype: The person who seeks pleasure in different forms as a distraction from the discomfort, darkness, and downside of life. This archetype’s drive is to defend against the experience of pain using intelligence, imagination, charm, and enthusiasm, and to avoid fear through an optimistic outlook.

Key Traits: Self-Referencing; positive reframing/optimism; hedonism; rebelliousness; lack of focus/discipline

Focus of Attention: Their own inner experience and needs (especially their own thoughts); their own plans and preferences

Basic Fear: Fear of being deprived or trapped in pain 

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be happy (deteriorates into frenetic escapism) 

Core Emotion/Triad: Fear/Head

Relationship to Core Emotion: “Underplay” fear; will report not (or rarely) feeling fear; defend themselves with mental intelligence 

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to depend on anyone for anything.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You will be taken care of.” 

Defense Mechanism: Rationalization and Idealization – finding good reasons for any desired action, thought, or feeling; perceiving people and experiences as being better than they are 

Emotional Passion: Gluttony – an (often insatiable) hunger for stimulating experiences of all kinds, such as good meals, pleasurable interactions with others, interesting conversations, or exciting travel plans 

Emotional Virtue: Sobriety – a state of being that is free from the pressure of the insatiability of the desire for more

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): One (perfectionistic and critical)

Can Unconsciously Be: An anxious resistance or adherence to the constraints imposed by rules and routines 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Help Sevens move out of their dreams and fantasies, and into a more realistic acceptance of standards and limits; help open Sevens up to the possibility of a supportive structure based on standards and precision that can help them actualize their ideals 

Direction of Integration (Growth): Five (focused and profound) 

Can Unconsciously Be: A temporary shut down as an escape from over-commitment and excessive activity 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Developmentally establish a healthy balance between the desire to be involved in the stimulation of the social world and the need to rest and reinvigorate through a healthy withdrawal from the social scene

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Future/Aggressive

Harmonic Group: Positive Outlook

Subtypes

Self Preservation: “Keepers of the Castle” – The Self Preservation Seven expresses gluttony through making alliances and creating opportunities for gaining an advantage. Pragmatic and self-interested, these Sevens find safety through networking and being alert to opportunities that support their survival. The name “Keepers of the Castle” refers to their way of establishing a partisan network of allies through which they create safety and satisfy their needs. Cheerful and amiable, they have a love of pleasure and tend to get what they want.

Social: “Sacrifice” (countertype) – As the countertype, Social Sevens go against gluttony through conscientious efforts to be of service to others. Conscious of wanting to avoid exploiting others, they have a need to be good and pure and to sacrifice their own needs in supporting the needs of others. They have a passion for being seen as good for the sacrifice of their own desires. They express an ascetic ideal and make a virtue of getting on by little. They express idealism and enthusiasm as a way of making themselves feel active and valued in the world.

Sexual: “Suggestibility” – Sexual Sevens express gluttony through a need to imagine something better than ordinary reality. Gluttons for things of a higher world, they are idealistic dreamers with a passion for living in their imaginations. Sexual Sevens look at things with the optimism of someone who is in love; they see the world through rose-colored glasses. “Suggestibility” refers to being somewhat naive and easy to hypnotize. Light-hearted and enthusiastic, they focus on exciting possibilities and pleasurable fantasies, and they believe they can do everything. 

What Sevens Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Make themselves more mindful of the movement from pleasure to pain; don’t mistake pleasure for “treasure”; recognize the pleasure of their pain and the pain that comes from living only for pleasure; recognize anxiety as a side effect of liberation; learn the difference between love and pleasure; reference others as a way of balancing freedom and connection; see all the ways they go to “then” to escape from “now”; allow for a fuller experience of pain and other uncomfortable emotions; risk living in the present; consciously use the stress/growth points

SIX

Basic Archetype: The person who, given the fear of impending threat, seeks to find safety through the protection of others or by taking refuge in their own strength. The drive of this archetype is to scan for danger in a scary world and defensively manage fear and anxiety through fight, flight, or friends. 

Key Traits: Hypervigilance; theoretical orientation; orientation to authority (sweetness, obedience, or defiance, depending on the subtype) and hierarchical worldview; doubt and ambivalence; contrarian thinking; tendency to create self-fulfilling prophecies 

Focus of Attention: Potential threats and how they might cope with them; doubting and questioning themselves

Basic Fear: Fear of being without support or guidance

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be secure (deteriorates into an attachment to beliefs) 

Core Emotion/Triad: Fear/Head 

Relationship to Core Emotion: Overdo fear, but vary in their level of awareness that they act from fear

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to trust yourself.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You are safe.” 

Defense Mechanism: Projection and Splitting – psychologically defending from an internal sense of fear by unconsciously projecting it out or “getting rid of it,” imagining that it originates in the outside world, often in another person; making one person or group all bad or all good as a way to feel less fear; locating the “badness” (or source of fear) in a clear way as to more easily cope with it 

Emotional Passion: Fear/Anxiety – fear of the unknown, anxiety and obsessive worrying about potential threats to well-being, self-doubt and uncertainty, guilt and shame related to sense of self, or a conviction that someone means harm; apprehension, tension, or uneasiness from anticipation of danger

Emotional Virtue: Courage – a way of being that is awake to the dangers inherent in the world and at the same time able to access a natural sense of confidence in meeting them

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Three (competitive and arrogant)

Can Unconsciously Be: Frantic action or anxious striving, arrogant and competitive belief that the groups they belong to or ideologies they believe in are better than others

Can Be Consciously Used To: Shift attention away from fears and anxieties and focus instead on the worthiness of their goals, the positive aspects connected to impressing others with their good work and sincere pride in achievement 

Direction of Integration (Growth): Nine (relaxed and optimistic)

Can Unconsciously Be: A devolution into inaction, inertia, shutdown, and unconscious merging with others when anxiety causes withdrawal from life

Can Be Consciously Used To: Reestablish a healthy balance between watching out for dangers to well-being and being able to relax in the security of supportive relationships 

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Present/compliant 

Harmonic Group: Reactive

Subtypes (particularly important/distinct for this type)

Self Preservation: “Warmth” – Self Preservation Sixes express the passion of fear through a need for protection, for friendship, and for banding together with others. In seeking protective alliances, SP Sixes endeavor to be warm, friendly, and trustworthy, which is why they bear the name “Warmth.” This most “phobic” of Sixes has difficulty expressing anger, feels uncertain, and engages in a lot of self-doubt. For SP Sixes, fear manifests as insecurity, and they focus on relationships as a way of feeling safer in the world. 

Social: “Duty” – Social Sixes express fear through a need to deal with anxiety by relying on abstract reason or ideologies as a frame of reference. Obeying authority through knowing what the rules are helps them to feel safe in the world. Unlike the SP Six, this Six has more certainty and can be “too sure” of things as a way of dealing with the anxiety of uncertainty. Social Sixes focus on precision and efficiency. They adhere to whatever the guidelines are as a form of having protective authority.

Sexual: “Strength/Beauty” (countertype) – Sexual Sixes express fear by going against fear – by becoming strong and intimidating. Trusting themselves more than others, these Sixes have the inner programming that when you are afraid, the best defense is a good offense. They take on a powerful stance, both in what they do and how they look, as a way of holding the enemy at a distance. Their anxiety is allayed through skill and readiness in the face of an attack. 

What Sixes Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Recognize that uncertainty is an inevitable part of life; remember that we tend to find what we seek; get out of your head and into your body; learn to discern the difference between intuition and projection; consciously claim whatever you are projecting; work to be more aware of your authority issues; recognize “fight,” “flight,” and “freeze” as fear reactions; learn to feel, manage, and let go of fear; have more faith in response to fear 

FIVE

Basic Archetype: The person who withdraws into thinking and detaches from feeling as a way of taking refuge in the inner world. This functions as a way of finding privacy and freedom in a world that seems intrusive or neglectful or overwhelming. The central drive of this archetype is to find security by minimizing needs and using resources economically so that external demands can be limited and controlled. In Fives, the natural human need for people can be displaced into a thirst for knowledge, such that internal support comes through information and firm boundaries instead of social connections.

Key Traits: Centrality/prioritization of thinking; emotional detachment; fear of engulfment; autonomy and self-sufficiency; hypersensitivity (feeling particularly vulnerable to emotional pain)

Focus of Attention: Managing inner resources; potential impingements on their privacy from the outside; mental (rather than emotional or instinctual) aspects of life; minimizing needs; analyzing and thinking 

Basic Fear: Fear of being useless, incapable, or incompetent 

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be competent (deteriorates into useless specialization)

Core Emotion/Triad: Fear/Head

Relationship to Core Emotion: Stave off fear by skillfully avoiding it

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to be comfortable in the world.”

Lost Childhood Message: “Your needs are not a problem.” 

Defense Mechanism: Isolation – unconscious separation of an emotion connected to an idea from the idea itself; compartmentalization 

Emotional Passion: Avarice – a fearful grasping of time, space, and energy, motivated by an underlying, unconscious fantasy that letting go would result in catastrophic depletion 

Emotional Virtue: Nonattachment – a way of being that is oriented toward letting go of the need to grasp what feels necessary to staying safe, and opening up to a deeper experience of the natural flow of life 

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Seven (hyperactive and scattered)

Can Unconsciously Be: An acting out of nervousness in social situations; a manic scrambling for control 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Expand the ability to share more of themselves with others by intentionally using humor, playfulness, and intellectual curiosity to help manage social anxiety; support an engaged focus on interacting more deeply with others through creative thinking and a genuine interest in people 

Direction of Integration (Growth): Eight (self-confident and decisive) 

Can Unconsciously Be: A comfort with feeling free to act in powerful ways to protect themselves, erect walls, or push people away

Can Be Consciously Used To: Reestablish a healthy balance between withdrawing and moving out into the world; reclaim the ability to engage more actively, more fearlessly, and more powerfully in the world 

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Past/Withdrawn 

Harmonic Group: Competency 

Subtypes

Self Preservation: “Castle” – The Self Preservation Five expresses avarice through a focus on boundaries – a need to be “encastled” in a sanctuary where they feel protected from intrusion and have control over their boundaries. SP Fives have a passion for being able to hide behind walls and know that they have everything they need to survive within those walls. They are the least expressive of the three Fives and they try to limit their needs and wants so that they can avoid being dependent on others. 

Social Five: “Totem” – The Social five expresses avarice through a need for “super ideals,” relating to others with common interests through knowledge and shared values (rather than emotional connection). In this Five, avarice is connected to knowledge. Needs for people and for the sustenance that relationships provide get channeled into a thirst for information. “Totem” refers to a passion for high ideals, the need to individualize experts and seek knowledge connected to whatever ultimate values this Five adheres to. Social Fives engage in a search for the ultimate meaning to avoid experiencing life as meaningless.

Sexual Five: “Confidence”: (countertype) – Sexual Fives express avarice through a search for ideal exemplars of absolute love. This is a Five with a romantic streak. The name reflects their need to find a partner who fulfills an ideal of trust. The most emotionally sensitive of the Fives, they suffer more, resemble Type Four more, and have more overt desires. They have a vibrant inner life that may be expressed through artistic creation but are still cut off from others in many ways. 

What Fives Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Challenge false beliefs about scarcity; remind yourself that scarcity breeds scarcity; find direct ways to fill yourself up on the outside; become more aware of the choice to detach from feelings; make efforts to feel more emotions more often; make a point to see the upside of emotions and emotional connections; recognize that your sense that there’s nothing to fix is part of the problem; get in touch with the fear that motivates distancing and wall-building; move forward into life instead of withdrawing inside yourself  

FOUR

Basic Archetype: The person who experiences an inner sense of lack and a craving for that which is missing, and yet can’t allow for the attainment of what might provide satisfaction. This archetype’s drive is to focus on what is lacking as a step to regaining wholeness and connection, but through an over-focus on the experience of a flawed self they become convinced of an inner deficiency that provides fulfillment. While this entails an understandable frustration with regard to deprivation, an over-identification with the frustrated, deprived state leads to an inability to take in that which would provide fulfillment. 

Key Traits: Inferior self-image; focus on suffering; emotional sensitivity and empathic ability; aesthetic sensibility; push-pull patterns in relationships

Focus of Attention: Their internal experience; their emotions; the emotions of others; interpersonal connection and disconnection; the state and underlying emotional tone/status of relationships; what others think or feel about them; whether or not they are achieving authentic connections with the people around them

Basic Fear: Fear of being without identity or personal significance

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be oneself (deteriorates into self-indulgence) 

Core Emotion/Triad: Shame/Grief/Heart

Relationship to Core Emotion: Overdo an attachment to grief/shame

Unconscious Childhood Message: “Its not okay to be too functional or too happy.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You are seen for who you are.”

Defense Mechanism: Introjection – the internalization of painful feelings as a method of protection; the process whereby what is outside is misunderstood as coming from the inside; identifying with and swallowing another person whole so that whatever they represent becomes a part of your identity 

Emotional Passion: Envy – a sense that what is valued and needed is outside and somehow unavailable; a belief that others have something you don’t 

Emotional Virtue: Equanimity – a way of being that is both engaged with emotional life and above the ups and downs of being overly consumed with specific emotional experiences 

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Two (overinvolved and clinging) 

Can Unconsciously Be: An effort to be liked through giving compulsively, an attempt to buy others’ love or acceptance by giving up needed things

Can Be Consciously Used To: Bring themselves out of their self-absorption, intense feelings, and isolation; find creative ways who express who they really are and open themselves to connecting with others

Direction of Integration (Growth): One (objective and principled) 

Can Unconsciously Be: A way of punishing themselves through self-evaluation, self-discipline, and structure 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Gain support needed for growth; take action to manifest ideals; gain a sense of control and accomplishment; find peace and containment amidst a life in which they can get lost in the ups and downs of their shifting moods 

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Past/Withdrawing 

Harmonic Group: Reactive

Subtypes (particularly important/distinct for this type)

Self Preservation: “Tenacity” (countertype) – The Self Preservation Four is long-suffering. As the countertype of the Fours, SP Fours are stoic in the face of their inner pain and they don’t share it with others as much as the other two Fours. This is a person who learns to tolerate pain and to do without as a way of earning love. Instead of dwelling in envy, SP Fours act out their envy by working hard to get what others have and they lack. More masochistic than melodramatic, these Fours demand a lot of themselves, have a strong need to endure, and have a passion for effort.

Social: “Shame” – The Social Four suffers more, feels more shame, and is more sensitive than the other two Fours. Envy fuels a focus on shame and suffering as they employ a strategy of seducing others into meeting their needs through an intensification of pain and suffering. They experience a sense of comfort in feeling melancholy. Envy also manifests in lamenting too much, taking on the victim role, and focusing on a sense of their own inferiority. Social Fours don’t compete with others as much as they compare themselves to others and find themselves lacking. 

Sexual: “Competition” – Sexual Fours make others suffer as an unconscious way of trying to rid themselves of painful feelings of deficiency. In denying their suffering and being more shameless than shameful, they express their needs more and can be demanding of others. In seeking to be the best, they express envy in its manifestation as competition. They express “an envy that wants,” unconsciously turning their pain at inner lack into feelings of anger about not getting what they need from others. 

What Fours Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Challenge your unwavering belief in your inferiority; actively work to reverse your self-debasing tendency through efforts of self-love; recognize envy, competition, and masochistic behavior as danger signs; observe and accept your emotions instead of over-identifying with them; notice and work against your desire to create drama and intensity; learn to see hopelessness, suffering, and longing as a defense against living and opening up to possibilities; align your desires with what’s possible; apply your idealism to seeing the worth inherent in yourself and others; actively shift your attention to see the positive

THREE

Basic Archetype: The person who seeks to create an image of value and success, and to gain the admiration of others, through active efforts in both work and appearance. This drive provides defensive protection in a world that rewards achievement and attractiveness and emphasizes what things look like on the outside.

Key Traits: Other-directedness; achievement orientation; focus on success; competitiveness and the drive to win; image manipulation and self-deception

Focus of Attention: Achieving goals and tasks; creating an image of success in the eyes of others; things to do; obstacles that might block their goals; others and how they are responding to the Three’s presentation

Basic Fear: Fear of being worthless or without inherent value

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be valuable (deteriorates into chasing after success) 

Core Emotion/Triad: Grief/Shame/Heart

Relationship to Core Emotion: Underdo grief/shame, habitually numb out feelings so they don’t get in the way of working to reach goals 

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to have your own feelings and identity.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You are loved for who you are.” 

Defense Mechanism: Identification – locating and matching a specific image or model; becoming what others value; creating a compelling image (to defend against the pain of not being seen and loved as you are) and mistaking that image for the totality of who you are

Emotional Passion: Vanity – living for the eyes of others; presenting a false image to inspire admiration; living life in anticipation or fantasy of the experience of another; the drive to shine, attract attention, either through the development of sex appeal or through achievement or success (based on established, universally accepted criteria)

Emotional Virtue: Hope – a state of trust that it will all be okay, that everything will work out; an experience of optimism and receptivity to what life brings; a letting go of the need to push things forward and see results 

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Nine (disengaged and apathetic) 

Can Unconsciously Be: A place reached after working to the point of collapse; numbing/narcotization 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Learn to be more in their bodies; to include different points of view when completing a task; to slow down and broaden their focus of attention; let go of the need to control things 

Direction of Integration (Growth): Six (cooperative and committed to others)

Can Unconsciously Be: Anxious need for security 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Re-establish a healthy balance between moving forward and pausing for reflection; tap into a deeper emotional level within themselves, highlighting their need to allow for support from others; consciously insert a healthy round of questioning before moving ahead so quickly; assess what is happening at a deeper level than normal

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Future/Aggressive

Harmonic Group: Competency 

Subtypes

Self Preservation: “Security” (countertype) – The Self Preservation Three has a sense of vanity for having no vanity. This Three also wants to be admired by others, but avoids openly seeking recognition. Not just satisfied with looking good, the SP Three strives to be good. They are determined to be a good person – to match the perfect model of how a person should be. Being the perfect model of quality implies virtue, and virtue implies a lack of vanity. SP Threes seek a sense of security through being good, working hard, and being effective and productive.

Social Three: “Prestige” – Social Threes focus on achievement in the service of looking good and getting the job done. They act out vanity through their desire to be seen and have influence with people. They enjoy being on stage in the spotlight. Social Threes know how to climb the social ladder and achieve success. These are the most competitive and most aggressive of the Threes. They have a driving need to look good and possess a corporate or sales mentality.

Sexual Three: “Charisma” – Sexual Threes focus on achievement in terms of personal attractiveness and supporting others. In this Three, vanity is not denied (as in the SP Three) nor embraced (as in the Social Three), but is somewhere in between: it’s employed in the service of creating an attractive image and promoting important others. These Threes have a hard time talking about themselves and often put the focus on others they want to promote. They put a lot of energy into pleasing others and they have a family/team mentality. 

What Threes Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Embrace failure as a road to deepening your experience of yourself; reframe your definition of success; notice what gets left out when you are driving toward your goal; question your focus on what others value as the basis for who you think you are; discern the difference between actions motivated by image-making purposes and those that address real needs and desires; discover who you are separate from your image; don’t wait for a breakdown to alert you to the need for growth; reclaim and value your feelings; increase your ability to just “be” 

TWO

Basic Archetype: The person who seeks to please others as a way to evoke affection. The drive to win others’ approval through indirect methods, such as seduction and strategic giving, is a way to obtain emotional and material support without having to ask for it. This strategy also provides a way to try to get others to take care of you while still defending yourself against the pain of having someone important reject a direct request to meet a need. 

Key Traits: Strategic helpfulness to create indispensability; seductiveness; emotionality and emotional sensitivity; romanticism; hedonism and compensatory overindulgence 

Focus of Attention: Key people; relationships; people’s needs and feelings; managing their presentation based on what they think others will like; achieving relationships 

Basic Fear: Fear of being unworthy of being loved

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to be loved (deteriorates into the desire to be needed) 

Core Emotion/Triad: Grief/Shame/Heart

Relationship to Core Emotion: In conflict with their shame and sadness

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to have your own needs.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You are wanted.” 

Defense Mechanism: Repression – making specific perceptions or emotions unconscious; insulating the psyche from a deeper source of pain so that the personality can remain functioning; burying feelings that might impede achieving a connection with important others (e.g., anger). 

Emotional Passion: Pride – aggrandizement of the self-image; the unconscious need to puff oneself up so one can be exactly what others want or need; valuing and investing in an idealized self image rather than the real self 

Emotional Virtue: Humility – a way of being that is free of the attachment to be better than you really are in order to know that you have value; resting in the knowledge that you are “good enough” as you are

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Eight (aggressive and dominating) 

Can Unconsciously Be: Release of repressed rage; a furious attempt to set boundaries that should have been set far earlier 

Can Be Consciously Used To: Learn to be more direct and assertive as opposed to using indirect means to get needs met; allow for more freedom in interactions with others; reframe conflict as a good thing 

Direction of Integration (Growth): Four (self-nurturing and emotionally aware)

Can Unconsciously Be: Shame, moping, dark feelings; overindulgence in the martyr complex

Can Be Consciously Used To: Establish a healthy balance between focusing on the self and focusing on others; expand access to authentic emotions; reclaim a healthy ability to self-reference (to balance out their disproportionate focus on others); accept and express needs with more confidence

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Present/Compliant 

Harmonic Group: Positive Outlook

Subtypes

Self Preservation: “Privilege” (countertype) – Self Preservation Twos “seduce” like a child in the presence of grown-ups as a way of (unconsciously) inducing others to take care of them. Everyone likes children, and the SP Two adopts a youthful stance as a way of getting special treatment well beyond childhood. As the countertype, it’s less easy to see pride in this Two because they are more fearful and ambivalent about connecting with others. The title “Privilege” reflects this Two’s desire to be loved and prioritized just for being who they are, not for what they give to others. Related to the youthful stance, these Twos are playful, irresponsible, and charming.  

Social: “Ambition” – The Social Two is a seducer of environments and groups – a powerful, leader type whose pride manifests as a sense of satisfaction in the conquest of an audience. This is a more adult Two in whom pride is the most obvious; the Social Two cultivates an image of being an influential, super competent person worthy of admiration. The name “Ambition” reflects this person’s desire to “be on top” and as a result of this lofty position, receive advantages and benefits. This Two “gives to get” the most and always has a strategic angle when expressing generosity.

Sexual: “Seduction/Aggression” – Sexual Twos seduce specific individuals as a way of getting needs met and feeding their pride. Similar to the “femme fatale” archetype (and male equivalent) this Two employs the methods of classical seduction to attract a partner who will meet all their needs and give them whatever they want. The name “Aggressive-Seductive” suggests a character who is appealing, but who also wants to wield some power. Energetically like a force of nature, this is a person who becomes irresistible, who inspires great passions and positive feelings as a way to meet needs in life. 

What Twos Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Inquire frequently into the presence of needs and feelings; remember that real feelings create and enhance, rather than thwart, connections; learn to accept feelings and the emotional growth process; liberate yourself through healthy separation; say “maybe” on the way from “yes” to “no”; accept, but manage and contain, your emotions; open up to receiving from others by living more from your real self; focus on the freedom that boundaries provide; find the sweet spot between inflation and deflation; allow constructive conflict to enliven your relationships and strengthen your sense of self; face your pain in a conscious way so you can let it go 

ONE

Basic Archetype: The person who seeks to be good and do “the right thing” to satisfy an urgent need to be virtuous and responsible and to avoid fault and blame. This drive provides a defensive protection in a world that demands and rewards good behavior and punishes bad behavior.

Key Traits: Inner critic; over-control; virtuousness; perfectionism and criticality

Focus of Attention: Trying to make things as right as possible; errors and imperfections; things perceived as perfect 

Basic Fear: Fear of being bad, corrupt, evil, or defective 

Basic Desire (and Its Distortion): The desire to have integrity (deteriorates into critical perfectionism)

Core Emotion/Triad: Anger/Gut

Relationship to Core Emotion: At odds with their anger; anger arises from inner conflict and judgement; report experiencing anger as resentment, a low-level, background, tamped down anger that things aren’t as they should be

Unconscious Childhood Message: “It’s not okay to make mistakes.”

Lost Childhood Message: “You are good.”

Defense Mechanism: Reaction Formation – turning something into its polar opposite to render it less threatening (e.g., being excessively nice to someone with whom you are actually angry); focusing on and experiencing more acceptable “good” emotions and pushing “bad” feelings into the unconscious 

Emotional Passion: Anger – resentment, frustration, self-righteousness; resentment of the “bad” conduct of others and frustration at the difficulties of trying to achieve perfection

Emotional Virtue: Serenity – a way of being that is free of attachment to specific ways of doing things, to having to conform to the right way; a patient, relaxed feeling that goes along with feeling a sense of completeness and wholeness, a feeling that everything is as it should be and that nothing needs to be changed or perfected 

Direction of Disintegration (Stress): Four (moody and irrational) 

Can Unconsciously Be: Painful contact with depressive and melancholic feelings; bitterness and dark mood

Can Be Consciously Used To: Provide a sense of relief at the release of what Ones have have spent considerable energy holding back; allow for greater emotional freedom; live more authentically by lessening the over-control of feeling

Direction of Integration (Growth): Seven (spontaneous and joyful)

Can Unconsciously Be: A temporary escape into bad behavior or stimulating activities, followed by self-recrimination and regret

Can Be Consciously Used To: Reestablish a healthy balance between responsibility and relaxation; see that it’s okay to have fun, lighten up, and choose pleasurable options; shift attention away from the control and stress of trying to make things go right all the time

Orientation to Time/Hornevian Group: Present/Compliant

Harmonic Group: Competency

Subtypes

Self Preservation: “Worry” – Self Preservation Ones are the true perfectionists of the three Ones. They express the passion of anger through working hard to make themselves and the things they do more perfect. In this subtype, anger is the most repressed emotion; the defense mechanism of reaction formation transforms the heat of anger into warmth, resulting in a friendly and benevolent character.

Social: “Non-adaptability” – Social Ones (unconsciously) consider themselves to be perfect; they express anger through focusing on being the perfect model of “the right way” to be. They have a teacher mentality that reflects an unconscious need for superiority. In the Social One, anger is half-hidden – there’s a transformation of the heat of anger into cold. This is a cooler, intellectual personality type in which the main theme is control.

Sexual: “Zeal” (countertype) – Sexual Ones focus on perfecting others; they are more reformers than perfectionists. The only One who is explicitly angry, they act out anger through their intense desire to improve others and get what they want. They feel entitled in the way a reformer or a zealot can feel entitled: they believe they have a right to change society and get what they want because they have a higher understanding of the truth and the reasons behind “the right way to be.” The countertop of the Ones, they are more impulsive and outwardly angry – they go against the ‘counter-instinctive” tendency of the One to repress anger and impulses. 

What Ones Can Do to Address Their Personality Patterns: Observe the “improvement paradox” (constant striving for improvement keeps you resistant to real growth), accept the perfection of imperfection, relax the inner critic, understand there are many “right” ways to do things, don’t be so hard on yourself, develop more compassion for and acceptance of yourself, prioritize pleasure and play, incorporate more humor and relaxation, own your positive attributes and value your feelings 

[itsuki-minamy]

FOUR SEASONS OF K: “THE FIRST DREAM OF THE NEW YEAR”

Translation: Naru-kun Raws: Ridia

He had a dream like this.

The power of the Slate that was taken from Mihashira's tower was finally released, and the world he had wished for was realized. This is a new stage where everyone has power.

What kind of world Nagare had dreamed of, Sukuna came out with his beloved sickle on his shoulder.

The place where he came out through the escape from the dark secret base was quite noisy.

Everyone is suddenly confused by the power they have obtained. The power of a child is out of control and he is crying.

Sukuna thought that they couldn't do it because they were still babies in this powerful world created by Nagare. Just as newborn babies do not know how to move their bodies, those who have just gained power cannot understand how to handle that power. But that is also a moment. Finally, the baby gets up, speaks words, thinks, and moves. They will eventually learn how to handle their power and survive in this world. Those who cannot survive simply die. That is the new game that Nagare has built in this world.

As he walked, he found a narrow park. There was no play equipment, just a small space with a bench and a drinking fountain.

There was a boy standing there.

Looking at him, Sukuna opened his eyes slightly. He was once Sukuna's best friend.

"Sukuna."

He laughed with a mocking smile.

He was the first friend Sukuna accepted before meeting Nagare. But he and Sukuna parted ways. Back then, both he and Sukuna were dominated by something beyond them. He was dominated, killed his will, abandoned his potential, and lived.

Sukuna escaped from there and he couldn't escape. The path between them was cut off.

"Sukuna, did you do this?"

A green light overflowed from his body, flailing freely, without restraint.

"Incredible, Sukuna."

He was radiating a green light and laughing with a full face. Seeing the smile, Sukuna knew that she was no longer under the control of the others.

It is not surprising. The world created by Nagare is a world where all humans become "kings". They are all the same there.

It is a world where you can expand your potential with your own power, without being ruled by anyone.

Sukuna laughed with a wrinkled face and said.

"You are the only King you have, Hikotaro."

With an itch rising from the bottom of his belly, Sukuna kicked the ground with an impulse.

With one kick, he leaps to the ceiling and runs from ceiling to ceiling, almost flying in the sky.

The breeze on his cheeks makes him feel good. His heart was released, and Sukuna laughed and flew like a free beast.

In a pleasant sweat, Sukuna spread his arms as he climbed onto the roof of the tallest building he could see.

There was a sign of someone standing next to him. It was a style in which black clothes fluttered in the wind.

To Sukuna, who has seen him hiding in the dimly lit basement and was only strapped in a restraint suit in a wheelchair, Nagare's appearance of standing firmly under the blue sky was reflected recently.

"Nagare. I'm glad we made your dream come true together.''

Sukuna narrowed his eyes as he blew his hair and coat in the wind. His body was still full of strength and he was dying to release it.

"The other is the 'King'."

"Affirmative."

"He is a 'King' just like Nagare.''

"Yes."

Nagare was laughing. Sukuna also laughed. He thought it would be fun if he could compete with the current situation, so Sukuna flipped his sickle over and turned around.

Nagare. Do it with me.''

"Good. It's a match."

From Nagare's body, the green stream is emitted coldly. Sukuna also entered the game, by strengthening the output of the sickle that glows in green, he got into an exciting game.

++++++++++

He had a dream like this.

After seeing his wishes fulfilled, Mishakuji set out on a solo journey.

The days when he shared his style dreams were fun. The stream of dreams that no one else can see is beautiful, and the time spent with their "King" and running around as a member of "Jungle" was really enjoyable.

However, now that his ambition has been realized, he doesn’t want to stay with them because of his passion.

The new world created by Nagare is a world where each person is proud of their own brilliance. It was Yukari's way to survive beautifully in this world of Nagare where all the radiance collides.

It was a beautiful moonlit night.

Yukari was walking along the mountain path, while the golden full moon, which was fading into a faint soft glow, shone in the light.

When he thought it was a memorable road, he found the silhouette of a memorable person at the end of the road.

A person in a haori and hakama and a soft hat. Stand in good posture with his sword on the ground like a cane. Yukari was defeated and squinted at the image of an unforgettable person in the moonlight.

"Ichigen-sama."

Yukari called him to talk about what was important.

The person in front of Yukari, Ichigen Miwa, was illuminated by the moonlight and looked white and bright.

"God has come a long way."

His voice was deep and resonated wonderfully in the night air.

"Yes, I have reached this point when I have been looking for something beautiful. You can be angry when you work for a harmonious world. Ichigen-sama, can you stand in front of me?"

He laughs a little like a breath.

"Did you want me to stand up?"

Ichigen goes to the core so that it can be inserted smoothly. Yukari narrowed his eyes gently.

"Yes. The view I'm looking for can go back to this starting point."

"No, I am just a symbol. I think I am here now as a symbol of the shining moment of your soul that you seek for the future."

He can hear the sound of insects. It is a suitable sound to add color to this beautiful night.

"The beauty of the naked body of life that I can only see when I prepare myself and wield power. Ichigen-sama, I saw the extreme of that moment when I exchanged swords when I left you. I still vividly remember the blood that I felt on the tip of my sword. and the feel of the tip of your sword against my throat.''

Ichigen Miwa looks at Yukari with a kind expression. Yukari smiled back at him as well and drew the sword from his back. A famous sword passed down by Miwa.

"At that time, Ichigen-sama's body was already sick. It might have been brilliant because the life time limit had been set. I also thought that I wanted to get involved. Me too, I'm better than I was back then."

A person who is the seventh king, who is also called the weakest "King", but who possesses an incomparable sword arm and who has a gentle and kind personality who does not like to fight, but who is also terribly scary.

In a word, the sword was drawn while maintaining the soft atmosphere.

It's like being a careless child, holding a sword that looks like a baby, before a careless Miwa.

"It is a sword that crosses the dream of the beginning."

++++++++++

He had a dream like this.

Kotosaka became a human being.

Sukuna is tall enough to look down easily, and is more compact and cooler than Yukari.

He correctly uses a spoon to eat curry made by Iwafune, and he use chopsticks to eat fried chicken.

"Kotosaka has become a human. He is a modified clan bird. I am truly impressed."

Nagare said, and patted Kotosaka on his head to praise him.

Kotosaka was proud to work as a stylish "guide". He can freely fly anywhere and show everything through his own eyes in an immovable way.

However, Nagare who fulfilled his dream was free because he was no longer tied to anything. Instead of looking through Kotosaka's eyes, he can go see whatever he want to see with Kotosaka.

Kotosaka invited Nagare to see the outside world.

"Kotosaka, will you take me?"

Kotosaka was very nervous.

Kotosaka became a person, but was originally a good bird. There is no such thing as flying.

A ceiling door opened and light shone through a dimly lit secret base. The blue sky was visible, and Kotosaka took the current hand and flew into the blue sky.

Kotosaka and Nagare were flying in the air, holding their two hands together. Reaching out and gliding on the updraft.

Feeling the warm sunlight on their back and the cool breeze on their face and belly, they fly in a wide sky. Downstairs, there was a little energetic human activity.

"Kotosaka was always looking at this kind of scenery."

Nagare told Kotosaka.

Nagare was always looking at the scene reflected in Kotosaka's eyes. However, Kotosaka wanted to teach him that the scenery seen while feeling the wind and the temperature and the cut of the air is the best.

As he looked at the ground from the sky, he spoke about everything that Kotosaka had seen and known.

Nagare listened to everything Kotosaka spoke with great interest.

"Kotosaka knows a lot."

Kotosaka is proud of his compliments as if he knows everything about the world.

“After all, a bird that can fly anywhere is good. I will also try to become a bird sometime.''

Nagare said. It seemed like a very good idea.

When he thought that Nagare's body glowed green, Nagare turned into a large bird in the next moment. Powerfully flap its wings and fly in front of Kotosaka. Kotosaka was happy.

He thought it would be nice to be a human, but he thought it would be very good to fly with Nagare, so when Kotosaka returned to his parrot form, he flaunted his wings alongside Nagare.

++++++++++

He had a dream like this.

Nagare was at sea at night.

It is a place where Nagare once lost everything and became brand new.

At the bottom of the sea in southern Kanto, many lives that were lost a dozen years ago sleep.

Nagare's dream came true. Everyone has power, and even in the event of a tragedy, each can resist with their own power.

Still, what was lost never returns.

Nagare is not sorry. No matter what the miserable past is, the past is what makes it the present.

He does not cry, but he is not without emotion. Nagare was looking out to sea, thinking about the lives of his family, friends and many who died here.

If he turns around, he can see the light shining through the darkness of the night. The humans who have gained power are the lights that are exercising their power.

It can be said that those lights were created because a life was lost in this wolf-dark sea.

Nagare continues to gaze out to sea.

The landscape, which was dark and black, and the boundary between sky and sea was unknown, gradually began to turn white before Nagare looked at it. Light is emitted and the horizon shines, indicating the limit between the sky and the sea. The sky slowly turns blue.

Finally, the sun poked its head out, burning the horizon red. The sea that sank black reflected the sunlight, creating a path of light on the surface of the sea.

He thought it was a scene that symbolized the beginning of the new stage and wondered if this was the first sunrise of the year.

After thinking, Nagare realized that this was a dream.

++++++++++

He had a dream like this.

Iwafune was standing in the kitchen at the secret “Jungle” base as usual, and was making ozoni.

Boiled minced radish, flower-shaped carrots, small shiitake mushrooms, bite-sized whole chicken thighs in bonito soup, and a dash of light soy sauce and sake. He put the baked rice cake in a bowl, poured in the boiled ingredients and the soup broth, and garnished with the spinach and red and white kamaboko that had been boiled separately. Finally, he put a citron and a leaf.

"Well, it's done."

He served the entire ozoni bowl to a customer who sat in front of the Chabudai.

The guest was a mysterious-eyed boy with pale golden hair down his back. Younger than Sukuna, a boy with an innocent face, but praises the atmosphere that seems to be much older than Iwafune.

A strange boy. However, it was a boy who felt like he knew him for some reason.

He silently looked at the bowl placed in front of him, raised his eyes, and looked at Iwafune's face.

"Only you don't understand."

The boy said in a transparent voice that does not reflect his emotions.

Iwafune tilts his neck as he opens the beer handle.

"I do not understand?"

"Isn't there a scene where you pray that you want to be like this?"

Iwafune mused with a glass of beer.

A scene to pray. There used to be such a thing. Iwafune was trying to create an ideal home in his world, a place where everyone could be saved.

"Cathedral". A clan that was headed with a "King" when Iwafune Tenkei was Otori Seigo. The way to pray when he was still dreaming.

He may wonder if he should pray for a scene that was not missed. Once upon a time, all the people who followed Seigo in "Cathedral" died. There were countless nights of regret and hope for a world free from that tragedy.

However, Otori Seigo who was praying is no longer there.

Here is Iwafune Tenkei. Iwafune doesn't pray. Look. The path that a "King" has protected and raised.

Iwafune smiled and took another sip of beer.

"In return, it's okay if I can see them."

The boy's mysterious eyes stare straight at Iwafune. It was a bit awkward looking into his eyes, which made him see through it all, Iwabune's hips ached.

"Well, yes."

Iwafune pointed to the butt of the beer can on the ozoni bowl in front of the boy.

"They ate the ozoni I made and laughed deliciously, that's enough."

The child's eyes rest on the bowl. He wondered if he was interested or not, just the big, round, wide eyes that stare over low heat and gently lift the bowl.

The boy's small lips are glued to the edge of the bowl.

The slightly tilted bowl was placed on a table and the boy said...

"Your prayers will come true."

He didn't really understand, but he wishes he could see what the boy said.

++++++++++

"I had a strange dream."

Yukari said, as he sat around the kotatsu.

"I had a good first dream. The Slate plan was launched in full power, and the dream plan went the way I wanted it!"

Sukuna is happy. Oh, and Yukari raised his eyebrows.

"It's strange. I dreamed that same part. It was a dream after Nagare-chan's wish was fulfilled."

"Eh? So what were you doing Yukari?"

"Secret."

"Wow!"

When he heard the conversation between Mishakuji and Sukuna, Nagare opened his eyes.

"I had a similar dream."

"Really?"

"Yes. However, I woke up early because I realized it was a dream in my dream."

"Isn't it like we all have a similar first dream, or is it good for the start of the New Year?"

Kotosaka squawked to match the playful Sukuna. Screaming loudly, flying through the secret room at the base. The wings fluttered with a high tension wingbeat.

"Hey, Kotosaka-chan. Did you have a dream too?"

"Dream! Dream!"

"Well, whatever dream Kotosaka had, it seems good."

"Kuwatsu!"

While trying to fight Kotosaka, who rests on his head and raises his claws, Sukuna looks at Iwafune.

"Iwa-san? Did you see anything in your first dream?"

Iwafune was standing in the kitchen preparing ozoni.

"Hmm? It was a dream about making ozoni."

"What is that?"

"So, I woke up and actually became a varied person, so I wonder if it's a true dream."

"That is not the case if you are dreaming a dream. If you dream it, it is our dream!"

"What? Isn't it tasty, Sukuna?"

"It is!"

Iwafune laughed lightly at Sukuna, who had sharp lips.

Immediately next to the room in the secret base is the Slate stolen from the Mihashira Tower on Christmas Eve. The Slate is unsealed, and although it is not yet fully operational, it was strengthening its power day by day.

Yukari looks at the Slate and squints his eyes.

“Well, freeing the Slate is a matter of time. If that dream goes well, will it turn into a real dream?''

"So is!"

"Yes."

"Kuwa!"

"In the first place, I could have had such a dream because I slept very close to the Slate."

While listening to the animated voice behind him, Iwafune watches the heat of the pot and the baking of the rice cake.

Boiled minced radish, flower-shaped carrots, small shiitake mushrooms, bite-sized whole chicken thighs in bonito soup, and a dash of light soy sauce and sake. He put the baked rice cake in a bowl, poured in the boiled ingredients and the soup broth, and garnished with the spinach and red and white kamaboko that had been boiled separately. Finally, he put a citron and a leaf.

"It's done."

He gave the entire ozoni bowl to his friends in the kotatsu.

With a happy voice they say together, "Itadakimasu."

"After all, I like Iwa-san's miso soup."

Yes, it is delicious. "

"Delicious!"

While listening to the voices of everyone who was happy with the ozoni, Iwafune somehow chided the Yukari words in his head.

(Maybe I had a dream like that because I slept very close to the Slate.)

The inside of his chest was soft, Iwafune looked at the Slate with his chopsticks raised.

The Slate casts a dim light into the dark underground space. Looking at the light, Iwafune somehow remembered the pale blond boy who appeared in his dream.

"…No way."

Shake his head slightly to get rid of strange dreams, Iwafune puts his mouth on ozoni.

While chewing the mochi he said, "It's delicious." and laughs.

[mbti-notes]

Are you familiar with Little Women? Is Beth INFP or ISFJ? I don't really see enough Ne or Fe. I'm wondering how to determine the aux when her life/dev was cut short. Is Amy ESFP or ENFJ? You've said that using the tert is more likely to lead to problems, but how to differentiate an impulsive kid or unhealthy Se? I don't know what Laurie is and I'd love to hear any thoughts of yours. Thanks

I haven’t read the book. I’ve watched the 1994 and 2019 film adaptations and read some literary commentary. I don’t know whether I’ve captured the true spirit of the characters in my mind yet. 

The story is a period piece at this point, which means that context is very important for getting into the minds of the characters. That is, we should avoid projecting our current understanding about personality expression onto past eras. Theirs was a time when people, especially women, were not afforded the freedom that we have today to be oneself and pursue one’s own happiness. They were also quite limited in their exposure to the wider world, thus, new and diverse learning opportunities were rare and to be cherished. Despite being in financial hardship and difficult political times, I believe that the girls had a good moral upbringing. The fact that the girls eventually learned the right things to focus on in life is a credit to their mother’s strong and steady influence. Given this backdrop, I think there will be more examples of healthy than unhealthy function use. The girls are well-adjusted people.

Yes, it is more difficult to assess children, as they do not express the functions in typical adult fashion. Adults have the benefit of many years of feedback about their function use and they are more consistent in their function expression, whereas children are in their experimental phase and often misfire in their attempts to use a function. That is, there is a lot of “noisy” data to sort through when observing kids.

Beth

I’ve often seen words like “shy”, “pious”, and “industrious” used to characterize her. I don’t think introvert is in doubt. Her manner is reserved, she prefers to keep to herself, and she is self-motivated. I don’t think F is in doubt. She cares very deeply and her judgments/decisions are largely informed by her feelings. 

Other than the expected imaginative play of all children, I don’t see any evidence of Ne, and she should be showing some significant signs at her age. Being P means being a prospector of information. She lacks the curious, exploring, and adventurous mindset of NPs. Shy and reserved INFPs still find ways to explore the world safely such that they feel brave in their own way (a great example that pops to mind is the character Amélie from the film of the same name). But Beth is perfectly content to close herself off from practically every opportunity to venture out into the world, and there were some very good opportunities presented to her that NPs typically wouldn’t be able to resist. She prefers that life is tightly structured around familiar people, routines, and comfort zones, where she is able to feel in control of her own realm. Of all the sisters, she seems to enjoy her routines the most, as she is most likely to perform her chores and duties without complaint or requiring admonishment. Dutiful, obedient, routine, and “industrious” behavior does not come naturally to INFPs (i.e. not without coercion of some kind), in fact, they tend to really struggle with it unless they are motivated by deep passion. Therefore, there’s compelling evidence that Si is the higher function.

One of the main arguments I’ve seen for INFP revolves around Beth’s strong moral beliefs. If every person with strong moral beliefs is Fi dom, the world would be overrun with them. Why is it that, of all the types, SFJs are known for being the best caregivers? Let’s not do them a disservice by downplaying the strong moral beliefs that FJs are also capable of. It’s more important to look at the source of the beliefs and how exactly they are expressed. 

To me, the word “pious” invokes Si more than Fi. A pious person is a rule-abider at heart, someone who deeply respects tradition and ritualistic expressions of it. A pious person also faithfully corrects un-pious behavior, as a form of self-improvement. Challenging oneself to be “proper” (Si) is somewhat different than feeling “good” (Fi). I would argue that Beth’s morality comes from her sense of what is proper and “expected” of people, as picked up in very literal terms from her mother’s pithy advice. Beth is acutely aware of how her suffering might impact others and tries her best to put people at ease. She also never needs to be told twice and she doesn’t struggle with moral decisions in the way that her sisters do. 

INFPs often feel conflicted when decision-making because they tend to be full-to-the-brim with conflicted feelings after having prospected too many Ne possibilities. Beth does not seem to suffer this common problem because she’s not just about following her feelings and she’s not as full of conflicted feelings as one would expect of INFPs (i.e. F is not dominant). She is naturally good at managing feelings and keeping them in check because her main approach to information is to structure it with rules and regulations. And purposely keeping her world very contained to the known and simple is a way of making doubly sure that the rules are never difficult to follow. Luckily for her, she lived during a time when it was still relatively easy to choose a small and simple life, away from the stressors of the world at large. She didn’t get to experience the weeds of developing Fe because she purposely kept life simple socially, and then she died before she was forced out into the real world. 

Amy

Aside from the impulsiveness one would expect of children, I’m not sure I see other significant signs of Se dom. Fortunately, we do get to see her grow up, and the mature Amy doesn’t resemble ESFP. 

One of the main differences that I look for between ESFPs and ENFJs is the degree to which they “think” about how to socialize and fit in. ENFJs approach socializing in a much more complicated way than ESFPs, for better and for worse. ENFJs are more “calculating” socially (for lack of a better word) because Fe relies on knowledge of social norms to achieve social acceptance. ESFPs tend to fit in more naturally by virtue of being themselves and showing off whatever obvious talents or good qualities they have. The more ESFPs “think” about how to socialize, the more they fumble socially, because they get further and further away from themselves (i.e. betrayal of Fi + poor use of Ni). The more carefully ENFJs think about how to socialize, the more they succeed at climbing the social ladder, because they are better able to abstract the essential rules for socializing well (i.e. good use of Fe + Ni). 

As a result of this main difference in “complexity” of socializing, ENFJs tend to think/talk a lot more about fitting in (how to do it and how to behave the right way), whereas ESFPs tend to reject abstract talk about “how to” and prefer to “just do it”, since complexity only leads them astray. Notice how Amy gives Jo and Laurie unsolicited advice about how to be “better”, i.e., more acceptable. ESFPs aren’t likely to interfere with people like that because they don’t possess complicated “social worries” to project onto others.

Amy often gets obsessed about particular things that she believes are necessary for “moving up in the world”, such as: physical appearance, material possessions, matters of etiquette, impressing the right people, learning the right crafts, developing the right skills, and so on and so on. Moving up in the world seems to be her main character motivation AND she’s a natural at it. ESFPs, with the strength and conviction of healthy Fi, tend to dislike/resent the idea of social hierarchy, so it pains them a lot more to feel forced into participating in categorizing people along those lines, and, in the end, they will feel that social rewards are meaningless if obtained through betraying Fi. ENFJs are much more willing to play the long social game, even when they are aware that it’s all an act, because Fe benefits much more greatly than Se from the rewards of social status. In the end, Amy makes the correct decision to prioritize her well-being over the superficial trappings of social status (Fe+Ni well-balanced).

Laurie

I’m not sure about him, either, because he’s a supporting character and we aren’t privy to all of his motivations. Being rich affords him a carefree life, so his personality development is rather slow due to not being challenged to grow. I think he’s introverted as he’s modest and unassuming, not one to actively seek out attention, esteem, or glory. I think he’s P as he doesn’t seem to require any structure and is content amusing himself with whatever he likes moment to moment. He seems to scrape by just fine no matter where he is or what he’s doing, and he doesn’t aspire to much more than drifting along. However, I think his lack of aspiration isn’t a natural part of his personality but more a result of him being bogged down by unresolved heartbreaks. He feels somewhat alone in the world (family issues). He dreams of being with Jo but she refuses him. He dreams of being a musician but feels torn about disrespecting his benefactor. He dreams of various careers but lacks the talent.

What’s his main motivation? I think he would love nothing more than to devote himself wholeheartedly to the people he loves. He’s basically willing to accept any sort of life as long as he gets to be with his loved ones. This deep romanticism indicates F, and if also P, then Fi dom. His long and deep devotion to the IDEAL of being with Jo might indicate Ne. Later, he longs for the past and his childhood relationships with Jo and the girls, which might be an indication of Fi-Si loop. He has mythologized Jo, their past together, and the future they could’ve had. It takes both Jo and Amy to make him face facts. A running theme in the book is how women are expected to be proper for men (so as to be a good influence and/or not lead them astray), and the sisters saving Laurie from himself is a good example of that.

Observe how he sizes up the girls and the ways in which he tries to care for and protect them. One thing that he seems to value a lot is “authenticity” and he tends to call them out for inauthentic behavior throughout the years. He had a hand in Amy re-evaluating her priorities. In return, Amy taught him that "authenticity” is a privilege (as women didn’t have the freedom to be authentic) and he came to admire her ambition and tenacity. He seems to think that he’s good at sizing people up, but she’s on a different level. I think that he was impressed by her blunt assessment of his lifestyle, probably because he had never encountered that sort of tough love (aka honesty) before. It seems that he needed someone to be tough with him, which is common for INFPs. Jo was always the star of the show, too self-involved to encourage his growth. Amy opened up his mind, which he seemed to sorely need for moving forward (perhaps Ne resolution).

[cyberbrbie]

@malwarfare​ sent: ❛ hey beebs. ❜  she has to know something is wrong already, if not by how exhausted he looked, none of his typical eyeliner or sunglasses to hide the dark circles under his eyes, then by how he dragged her into her office. he leans against the wall for a moment, eyes fixated on the crowd of people below. he doesn’t want to look at barbie, doesn’t want to see her face when she learns, but he figures he at least owes her this much. king turns to face her as his eyes quickly flash orange, activating the system that made the glass opaque. ❛ it’s about val—  i’m sorry. ❜ he stumbles on his words, briefly. ❛ they got him, arasaka. he’s gone, he's— ❜ he stops, resists the urge to curse as hands rub tired eyes. 

 Barbie  always  has  good  days.  At  least,  she  tries  to,  she  makes  it  look  like  she  does  because  it  is  so  much  easier  that  way.  Night  City.  is  by  far  better  than  where  she  was  before  but  things  weigh,  they  weigh  everywhere.  Such  is  life  but  she  is  trying  and  things  are  good,  so  much  better.    Today  was  a  long  day,  the  bar  needed  extra  help  and  apparently  they  were  being  watched,  by  who  she  had  no  fuckin  idea  but  it  was  grating.  People  were  getting  pissy  about  her  quick  rise  but  it  was  normal  and  she  had  no  problems  using  her  ax  or  having  a  quick  trigger  finger.  But,  she  is  sure  most  of  today's  bad  energy  is  from  her  own  lack  of  sleep.  Sometimes,  she  is  plauged  by  nightmares  and  the  night  previous  had  been  one  of  the  worst  she  had  in  awhile.  But,  she  shoved  it  aside  and  threw  herself  into  every  work  she  could  and  every  meeting  and  contract  she  could  possibly  open.  

She  wasn't  expecting  King  today,  to  be  honest  she  never  really  expected  him  or  Val.  They  just  showed  up  but  there  was  always  a  small  haunting  feeling  one  day,  much  like  those  before  they  would  leave  her  in  the  dust,  move  on  to  better  company.  She  knew  deep  down  they  wouldn't  but  the  whispers  still  sometimes  existed.  She  always  loved  to  see  him,  he  made  her  smile  and  the  days  like  today  better.  Not  to  mention,  she  owed  him  a  lot,  hell  she  owed  him  and  Val  her  life  considering.  The  bar  menu  did  great  the  drinks  she  made  for  them  both  were  top  sellers,  she  was  happy  and  here  because  of  them  and  the  cyberwear  and  tattoos  on  her  skin  while  impulsive  were  nothing  short  of  her  finally  being  in  control  of  her  life.  Finally  being  in  control  of  her  life  because  of  them.  

 However,  the  grab  of  her  wrist  and  the  tug  up  the  rest  of  the  stairs  into  the  office  was  concerning.  Her  vitals  rising  mind  racing,  maybe  her  parents  found  out  where  she  was,  maybe  arasaka  did  and  she  was  about  to  be  flatlined.  Oh  god  maybe  someone  took  a  contract  out  on  her,  or  worse,  she  had  to  retract  all  the  letters  she  sent  out  with  glitter  because  he  got  her  the  wrong  address  for  the  people  she  wanted  to  send  them  to.  The  last  one  was  doubtful  but  good  golly,  was  it  still  scary  to  think  some  poor  innocent  person  was  about  to  open  an  envelope  of  nothing  but  glitter.  ❝  Don't  tell  me  ya  been  plugged  in  an'  haven't  slept  in  an  unhealthy  amount  o'  time  again.  Ya  know  I'm  just  gonna  force  ya  to  stay  at  my  place.  ❞        Small  smile,  trying  to  lighten  the  aura,  he  looks  tired.  She  always  thinks  that  he  looks  like  that  though.  Her  concerns  for  King  were  a  constant  in  her  life,  he  was  like  a  brother  to  her,  the  other  side  of  the  coin  that  she  was  in  some  aspects  as  well.  But  the  small  falls  quickly  as  he  speaks  again.  Worst  fears  slowly  coming  to  the  surface.  Bubbling  up  in  her  throat  like  soap,  choking  her,  making  her  airways  crushed.   

It's  about  Val,  it's  about  Val,  it's  about  Val,  it's  about  Val.  It  rattles  around  inside  her  brain  so  long  after  he  speaks.  She  doesn't  move  or  say  anything.  Standing  in  the  middle  of  her  office,  the  pink  rug  on  the  ground  hugging  the  leds  embedded  into  her  shoes.  A  hand  slowly  rising  to  her  chest  trying  to  get  the  soap  she  felt  in  her  throat  out.  Tremors  in  her  hands,  in  her  body,  features  slowly  draining  of  the  color  that  they  held,  and  suddenly  the  glitter  that  hugged  her  skin  seemed  to  leave  her  body  as  well.  Her  lips  part,  and  finally  there  is  a  sharp  shaking  inhale  of  air,  it  sounds  painful  and  it  reminds  her  of  when  she's  been  shot.  This  is  worse  somehow,  it  burns,  it  aches  and  hurts  more  than  she  could  explain  or  describe.  Fucking  Arasaka.  She  doesn't  process  things  well,  she  never  learned  how  it's  a  lot  that  hits  her  at  once.  Hand  reaching  towards  King,  grabbing  his  arm  as  tears  stream  down  her  face  highlighting  the  sparkles  she  puts  on  there.  The  ones  she  knows  are  there,  the  ones  she  wants  to  scrub  off  her  face  because  now,  today  they  shouldn't.  It's  within  a  split  second  of  grabbing  his  arm  that  knees  buckle  from  the  sheer  amount  of  emotional  weight  within  her  body  and  she's  on  her  knees.  Half  of  the  only  family  she  has  considered  gone.  Flatlined.  Killed.  Murdered.    

 The  world  has  a  lot  of  different  types  of  crying,  different  places  it  comes  from  in  someone's  body.  The  back  of  their  throat,  their  chest,  their  stomach.  But  this  is  all  of  them,  the  combination  of  the  way  someone  would  cry  alone  in  the  shower  at  2  and  have  a  complete  sad  and  angry  break  down  in  a  motel  room  at  noon.  She  doesn't  know  what  it  sounds  like  but  it  sounds  painful  when  she  finally  starts  sobbing.  Arms  having  fallen  and  wrapped  around  now  the  only  person  she  has  left.  The  only  person  she  can  call  family.  The  first  day  they  dropped  her  off  in  Night  City  she  made  them  both  promise  it  was  never  goodbyes  when  they  left  just  see  you  soons  because  of  this.  Because  of  how  much  it  would  hurt  now  that  she  had  made  up  her  mind  on  them  being  her  family.  The  crying  rakes  her  body,  shakes  it  and  makes  the  edges  of  her  vision  blur  as  she  clings  to  King.  Thankful  for  the  blasting  volume  of  the  music  that  covered  gunshots  and  shouting  typically  but  now  would  hide  the  break  down  and  pain  she  had.    There  was  so  much  they  had  all  planned,  and  wanted  to  do  together,  when  she  had  officially  been  able  to  do  more  and  her  plans  were  completely  finished.  Just  a  few  more  days  and  just  like  that  it  fell  through  the  cracks.  The  dandelion  on  the  pavement  crushed  because  of  fresh  cement  being  laid  down.  

There  were  hardly  times  in  her  life  now  where  she  couldn't  speak  but  in  this  moment,  in  this  time  she  had  nothing.  If  she  still  had  it,  or  the  ability  she  was  sure  that  Trauma  Team  would  be  busting  down  the  doors  to  Dreamhouse  to  see  her.  She  doesn't  process  how  tight  her  grip  is,  how  much  she  could  be  hurting  King  hugging  his  leg  for  a  decent  amount  of  time.  Slowly  hands  leaving  him  before  wrapping  around  her  own.  Tiny  frame  becoming  half  the  size,  if  that  as  she  recoils  into  herself.  Tears  and  sobs  muffled  by  the  jacket  and  pants  she  wore  but  the  shaking  of  her  body  not  stopping  or  hiding.  Her  childhood  had  been  taken  by  her  parents  and  Arasaka  contracts.  And  now,  one  of  the  two  people  she  loved  had  been  taken  too.  It  was  relentless  and  hurtful.  ❝  Why  do  they  take  everythin'  !  I  jus'----  ❞  Hyperventilating  cuts  shattering  and  breaking  words  as  she  curls  in  on  herself  more  head  violently  shaking.  But  her  mind  had  been  even  more  clearly  made  up,  she  would  completely  obliterate  them  and  every  other  corporation  that  worked  like  this  or  did  whatever  they  did  to  Val  to  their  employees.  She  would  end  them  all,  and  she  would  do  it  the  right  way  and  smarter  than  those  who  had  tried  before.  But  for  now,  she  would  remain  like  a  broken  child,  curled  in  a  ball  in  her  office.

[c0smicheaux]

Solar Return Ascendants

Every year we have a solar return, on our birthdays. The Solar Return Ascendant sign shows your overall temperament, attitude, and approach to life in the year ahead.

Aries, you may take initiative in the area of life where Aries falls in your natal chart. You could also be impatient or impulsive in this area. This is a year of opportunities, in that you will be more adventurous and you will have the courage to make changes. You are more likely to attract new circumstances, people, and experiences into your life. Your approach to life is more direct than usual, and others might complain that you are more self-absorbed than usual! Decision-making is quick this year, and you are likely to be more physically active.

Taurus, domestic issues and finances will be on your mind. This is a year of overall stability. Your approach to life is markedly conservative and practical. You are resistant to making big changes, and you are skeptical of new initiatives. You are generally content to leave things as they are, and you are not inclined to seek out brand new experiences (or people!). Inertia and resistance to making changes may characterize the period. You have the power to attract this year, especially through patience. You may also feel the need to have more beauty in your life, via your surroundings and perhaps with regards to a desire to improve your appearance.

Gemini, you are outgoing, sociable, and very curious. Your attention span may be short, however, and you might have your finger in too many pies. Your interests are vast, and it can be hard finishing projects you complete before your attention moves elsewhere! You open yourself up to many possibilities, and perhaps too many. You may find it hard to keep commitments.

Cancer, you wear your emotions on your sleeve this year. More sensitive than usual, you have your eye on security. Your attention turns to your home front, your family, and domestic issues. You may be more introspective than usual. Oversensitivity and defensiveness may be a problem. Security is a driving force this year. As Cancer’s ruler, the Moon holds important clues as to what area of life in which you may encounter instability and change, and why you feel protective of your sense of security as a result.

Leo, your urge to create is strong. There may be more involvement with children or especially romantic inclinations. Your physical appearance and your manner become very important, especially since Leo is on the first house and it rules the “star” of the Solar Return chart–the Sun. You may be more dramatic and expressive this year, or this could point to a focus on children, hobbies, or other Leo-ruled areas of life, depending on your personal inclinations as well as your life circumstances. I had Leo rising in my Solar Return charts in the years I had two of my children (both born with Leo Ascendants), for example. Be sure to look to the house position of the Sun for areas of life where you have a strong opportunity to express yourself and your creativity.

Virgo, focus is on your work, your habits, your health, and your routines. It may be a rather unspectacular year–a year when you may be caught up in making adjustments to your life and/or worrying about problems. It can be a rather mundane year (unless your Sun or Ascendant is Virgo natally), but one that is quite busy. You may feel like you are doing a lot of preparing but don’t exactly know what it is you are preparing for. Mercury’s placement can provide some clues as to which areas of life require adjustments.

Libra, this is a year when you find the need to compromise, deliberate, and accommodate. Your goal is to find balance and achieve harmony. Venus’ position can provide clues as to which areas of life prompt you to feel this need. There can be a strong focus on relationships and partnerships, or you can begin a new partnership that demands a lot of your attention. You may find yourself accommodating or appeasing others much of your time, and you have to watch that you don’t become too compromising or overly concerned with not rocking the boat. Interestingly, this Ascendant can be present in a year when people marry as much as one in which people divorce. In many cases, it can be a very happy year–one in which the individual feels like life is running very smoothly, likely because he or she is keeping peace at all costs.

Scorpio, powerful feelings come to the surface. It can be a very introspective year when you cut off the areas of your life that seem to be superficial or unsatisfying on a deep level. It can be a year when you alienate others with a seemingly hardhearted manner, or when you break friendships or cut off specific social activities. Much depends on the natal house that is brought to the SR Ascendant. It could also be a year when you are extremely focused on specific things, possibly to the point of obsession. Whatever the case may be, you have donned a strong persona in order to deal effectively with the changes that you know need to take place in your life.

Sagittarius, you feel more adventurous and possibly restless this year. This may be because you have been feeling limited or “caged in” recently, and your desire is to break out of that rut. You may not know where it is exactly that you want to go, but a restless feeling is present. In some cases, legal issues need to be attended to. You may attract support from others, or have a reason to be more hopeful and optimistic about life. Jupiter’s position can hold some clues as to what exactly is feeding your spirit, giving you a new lease on life, or providing you with hopefulness. You have to be careful that you don’t overestimate your capabilities this year. Try not to gloss over important details, such as the bills that need to be paid

Capricorn, you focus on your responsibilities, career or business concerns, and the material world. You may feel a real need to buckle down this year, and Saturn’s position can provide clues as to why and where this need is coming from. You become aware of a need for more control or self-control this year. You may feel undervalued and could don a more serious persona this year. Be careful not to let responsibility turn into negative, black-and-white thinking.

Aquarius, your need for independence and individuality is strong this year. You may break out of your shell this year and express a “new you”. Some level of emotional detachment and stability is likely. If you are not normally stubborn or individualistic, people around you might be surprised by your behavior this year. Be careful not to alienate those close to you as you branch out and feel the need to express your individuality.

Pisces, this could be a very dreamy, possibly directionless year when you tend to prefer to live in a dream world rather than attend to picky details of everyday life. It could be a time when you hide yourself away a little, work on something behind the scenes, or have a greater need for solitude. It could also be a real “escapist” year. Something hidden or private may occupy a good portion of your thoughts and your time this year. Some restlessness is likely, and you may have some concerns about what lies ahead of you, which could be at the root of your need to escape.

[aliceslantern]

Heartlines, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 25-- Deconstruction/Reconstruction

Twelve years ago, Xemnas betrayed the royal court of Radiant Garden to his father, Xehanort. Prince Ienzo flees to another city and begins university in the aftermath, hoping the anonymity will protect him from eager eyes with ill intent. The darkness spilling across the country, as well as an individual from his past, cut short Ienzo's new beginning and bring new conflicts to light. Strained between the desires of his magic and his heart, Ienzo's choice will change him forever.

Modern Fantasy AU, Soulmates, Zemyx. Updates Fridays until it's done.

Chapter summary:  With Radiant Garden under control of the resistance, it's time to rebuild. Ienzo tries to repair the damage done to his family.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

White sheets. Cool air. Color and light. He felt so heavy, and it took him a moment of grappling into consciousness to realize it was because he could barely move his legs.

“Ienzo? Love?”

Ienzo turned his head as much as he was able. He seemed to have motion in his upper body, but even that was difficult, like tugging on puppet strings. “Ev-even?” He swallowed.

“Would you like some water? I’ll get some. Don’t move.”

As if he could help it. Blurrily, he saw Even retreat to a corner of this room--the castle infirmary?--and pour water from a pitcher. He knew he should be grateful to still be sighted at all, after using so much magic. He squinted. Even handed him the cup; he could barely close his hand around it, but he managed it at last. Despite IV fluids, he was so thirsty .

“Are you in any pain? I can get you some medication if--”

“No. I’m not. But I can’t… it���s hard to move.”

“...I know.” Even smoothed some of the hair from Ienzo’s face. His own face was pale, pinched, a large bruise along his throat yellowing. “From the magic use. Breaking down a limiter of that strength… then triggering what you did… frankly, it’s a miracle you’re still alive.”

“Will I be like this… always?”

“I’m optimistic you’ll recover yet, but… there may be some lingering effects.”

“What’s happened? How long have I been out? Where’s Amalia? Where’s--?”

“One thing at a time, child. It’s imperative you remain calm.”

Ienzo tried to center himself, tried to take deep breaths. Even took his hand and rubbed it, gently.

“Amalia is safe and well. I suspect Ansem is enjoying having time with her. Once he received some blood replacement, Demyx was fine too. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled you’re awake. It was all rather… dramatic, how it went down. You’ve been unconscious close to three weeks.”

“Aeleus? ...Isa? What of… everything else? Xehanort’s forces? The son who called himself Ansem? He wasn’t in the throne room that day--”

Even’s eyes went blank, and he turned towards the window. “I’m afraid when I… felt your burst of magic--it was felt everywhere, Ienzo, I don’t think you understand--I assumed the worst and I--I did something reckless. He was our jailer, in my old labs, something he no doubt had great pleasure in. For the first time in my life… I acted on impulse.” He looked at his free hand, which was trembling. “I knew you were in trouble, and I--”

Ienzo had never heard Even sound so shaky. He choked down guilt. “You killed him.”

“...He was the gatekeeper.” He’d turned faintly green.

“Was that the first time you took a life?”

“It does not matter. It needed to happen either way.” He swallowed. “I made my way there, with ease. You killed every Heartless in the vicinity. Those that were human were knocked unconscious, or fled.”

“I… I did?”

“...Quite. The initial scouting indicates that… you may have slain every one in the city.”

“It was not conscious,” he admitted. “All I saw was that Demyx was bleeding out and the soulbinding reacted to all that--”

“--and the rush of emotions triggered magic. Of course it did.”

Ienzo lay back a little. “So without the three of them… and no Heartless…”

“The capital city’s under the control of the resistance.” But there was no happiness in his expression.

“Shouldn’t we be… glad? This is among the best case scenarios--”

“The sudden death of Xehanort and two of his sons has caused something like a power vacuum. The people don’t know how to react. There’s still darkness and various devotees of it spread throughout the country. Some states have turned over towards us, but others are… hesitant. Waiting to see might happen. And there are those who are outright fighting. Aeleus and Isa are among the front line, trying to see what can be done to restore order without worsening things. Meanwhile your father is trying to pursue international aid… and research better ways to defeat the darkness.”

“And of you?”

A pause. “I’ve been taking care of you.”

“I’m sure you’ll be relieved to go back to research, then.”

Even reached forward to smooth Ienzo’s hair. “To be truthful, it has been nice, to have this space to think. To consider.”

Ienzo understood. “...It’s alright if you’re upset, Even.”

“It is so silly , that I feel such guilt for killing one who’s killed thousands with his actions--but my feelings are not important.”

“I’m sure that’s not the case.” Ienzo struggled to sit up; Even adjusted the pillows under him. “So much for fighting back.”

“I think you’ve done enough. You must recover for what comes next.”

“Amalia. I need to see her.”

He hesitated.

“Please, Even.”

“...Quite.” He seemed to go a little deeper into himself. “Perhaps there will be one day when I’m not constantly in fear of your life.”

“I sincerely hope so.”

Ienzo watched him leave the room. He’d never seen Even so scattered before, so almost… unsure . Had something else happened he was not telling Ienzo, about the man calling himself Ansem? That bruise…

He hadn’t been conscious long, but he was already exhausted. He could still feel his legs, but moving was the problem. Perhaps he could get a wheelchair, and get around that way? He couldn’t seriously sit around and do nothing while all this fighting happened--

The door opened. In came Demyx, carrying their daughter. She’d gotten even bigger since Ienzo last saw her--another month he’d missed--and she was chewing on a teething ring. “Hey,” he said, softly. Like Even, his eyes were closed off.

“How do you feel?” Ienzo asked.

“Me? Oh, I’m fine. Ugly scar, but oh well, right? How are… you?” Amalia was staring at him, not with fear like before, but perhaps curiosity. Ienzo tried to reach out to her with his magic, but it was like swatting wet laundry; it didn’t come instantly to his call. So instead he reached out one trembling hand. She smiled and handed him the slimy teething ring. “Oh, sweetie, I’m sure daddy doesn’t want that.”

“Could I…” He wasn’t sure he was physically strong enough to hold her.

“Ah… sure.” Demyx pulled the chair closer to the bed and plopped her onto the mattress. “I’ve been… bringing her in here for a while every day. While daddy takes his long nap, right?”

She made a sound like “boo.”

“She talks.” Tears rose to his eyes.

“Well. Vocalizes.”

She clapped her hands together.

“And she can hold herself up.”

“She crawls, too. Ah--like that.” She had dragged herself almost across Ienzo’s lap. “I have a feeling she’ll be running before long.”

Amalia looked up at him and made a noise that could only be expressed as “?”

“Daddy,” Demyx said to her helpfully. “You remember now, yeah.”

“Baba.”

“Daddy. Good.” He smoothed the curls off her forehead.

Ienzo felt a rush of affection which was almost painful. “Look at you, big girl.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. She tugged at the sleeve of his robe. “Can you help me?” he asked Demyx.

“Sure.” He eased her into his lap. Amalia pressed her cheek against his chest. “See? Crisis averted.”

“I’m guessing the curls came from you.”

“The only time my hair was long enough to tell was when I was underwater, so.” He shrugged. Amalia gave him a toothless smile. “Look at you, happy girl.”

Ienzo noticed the difference in his voice when he spoke to the two of them. “Are you comfortable? Here?”

“Oh, yeah. Ansem set us up nice in your old room. If you don’t mind.”

“Why would I mind?”

Another shrug. “Oof, drool patrol.” He grabbed a tissue and dabbed at it. “She’s teething something wicked.”

“Maybe the next time you come you could bring me a book, so I could read to her.”

“She’d probably like that.”

Ienzo wrapped his arms loosely around her, and she let him. Feeling the warmth and weight of her--the subtle twitch of her limbs-- and hearing her little babbling eased this awful ache he’d had for so long. “I missed you,” he said to her. He kissed her head. “I missed you so much. I just… hope we can be a family now.”

“That would be nice,” he said softly. “Wouldn’t it?” The last part he repeated in a goofy voice, and Amalia laughed. “You think you’ll be okay?”

“Even’s optimistic. And I trust him.”

“He’s been up here almost constantly.”

“But the castle is… safe, for you two?”

“Oh, yeah. Magic users crawling out of the woodwork to help. I've still got some fight in me."

“I hope that soon I can be back on my feet, and start being a bigger part of her life.”

“One thing at a time.” Ienzo wondered if he was imagining the flatness in his eyes. “Isn’t that right, Li-li?”

---

It took Ienzo weeks to start feeling something resembling “normal.” For several nights the pain of his healing nerves kept him awake, but at least once it was through with he could limp around a little. He could play with Amalia a little more actively. Physical therapy made him somewhat stronger, and while he had to use a cane to walk more than a few steps, Even believed it would be gone before long.

Members of his family and the resistance ducked in and out. Ansem brought him books, briefed him on the situation as it developed. “Almost feels as though my skills to rule have grown rusty,” he admitted. “It is difficult to tell… which members of parliament left are lying, when they say they did not hold any allegiance towards Xehanort. I’m tempted to dissolve the whole thing and hold elections, but we simply can’t do so at the moment. Making sure our people are fed and safe and cared for is more important than politics at the moment. Thankfully the bordering nations have been kind enough to send along resources and medics.”

“I wish I could help,” Ienzo said. “Being here, waylaid and helpless --”

Ansem just patted his hand. “You jumpstarted a revolution, Ienzo,” he said.

“So I’m told, but I wonder if you all are exaggerating to salve my ego.”

The pat became more of a squeeze. “Control of Radiant Garden was crucial,” he said. “And you achieved that.”

“Only because Xehanort mortally wounded Demyx, and I reacted instinctively--were it not for that my whole plan would’ve collapsed--”

“Ienzo. Why are you being hard on yourself?”

He felt tears in his eyes. “These past six months… I’ve been sitting here in luxury playing silly mind games while my daughter grew up without me, while the rest of you suffered. ”

“You did the best you could with what you had--and you did pretty damn well. This guilt is pointless, Ienzo.”

“I… I know.”

“We are together now. We will rebuild. And I hope things will be better than they were before.”

He sniffled. “Is it over? Can it just be over?”

Ansem drew him into an embrace.

---

Spring began in earnest. Ienzo realized one morning as he woke in the infirmary that the lingering smell of darkness that had hung over Radiant Garden was gone, and a fresh rain brought in the sea air. He no longer needed the cane, but he tired easily, and his legs still ached tremendously. Once he was well enough, he insisted that he be more involved in the reconstruction, insofar as he could.

There was the reality of Xehanort’s youngest son’s experiments. Ienzo had purged the Heartless, but the poor people who had not been transformed were instead traumatized and in some cases catatonic. While there were doctors and psychologists willing to help them, it was hard to tell if they could be helped. Ansem organized national days of mourning for those who had been lost, and released the lists of names so families could have closure. The youngest son had kept meticulous records.

He asked community leaders to come forward with ideas as to help their nation move on. Darkness still existed; but now that people had hope, they were more willing to fight. That, and with the darkness easing, they were getting early signs that the planet could still heal. Ienzo swore he could feel its pulse, its life reaching up to his magic. He wished he did not feel so powerless.

“We don’t want things to go back to the way they were,” Ansem said in a broadcast. “Clearly, “normal” meant “suffering” for some. Darkness… only made that pain more obvious. If we wish to maintain the light, we must heal one another.”

Finally, Ienzo was well enough to go back to his rooms, and begin repairing his family… because it was going to take a lot of work. Amalia was more familiar with him, more comfortable, but still she always looked towards Demyx when she needed something.

And there was the matter of… Demyx.

At first Ienzo thought the distance between them was all paranoia on his part, but it became clear in the way Demyx spoke to him, especially when it came to their daughter. “You dressed her in that? She hates that one, it’s itchy against her scales.” “Sure. You can do that. I guess.” “Look, I know you’re trying, but strawberries give her gas .” “You let her nap too long. Now she’s not going to sleep through the night.” That, and the flatness in his eyes. It wasn’t openly unfriendly, but it lacked the warmth that they’d had before.

More straining than this, in some ways, was sharing a bed. Ienzo had honestly been looking forward to reconnecting on a physical level--he hoped it would help him sleep the deep way he had when they lived together--but that first night Demyx just rolled onto his side and fell asleep. He let it go a few nights, wondering if it were just a pain of readjustment, if he were just used to sleeping alone. Finally, he just got fed up and crawled over to spoon him, jerking him out of his sleep. “What are you--?”

“Trying to touch you?”

“Well could you please not?”

For a moment there was just silence.

Demyx exhaled heavily and ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I… I’m sorry for snapping. But I… I’m not comfortable .”

Ienzo swallowed and felt a lump in his throat. “Would you prefer I slept elsewhere?”

“No, it’s… it’s fine.”

Ienzo eased back to his side of the bed. He knew he would not be able to sleep. As it was, he was struggling not to cry.

The next day they behaved as normally as they could in front of their daughter, but when Ansem came and asked if he could spend some time with her, Ienzo agreed before Demyx could get a word in edgewise. “We need to talk,” Ienzo said.

Demyx wrinkled his nose. “Do we have to?”

“Yes. We do.” Ienzo was surprised to feel his temper flare, but he kept it in check. “Look, we’re… we’re parents, and we’re soulmates . A lot has happened, and you have a right to feel the way you do. But that can’t begin to heal if we keep ignoring it.”

He seemed to not know what to say.

“How do you feel, Demyx?” Ienzo asked.

He rubbed at his arm. “I feel like… I feel…” He swallowed. “Something’s just wrong ? With me?”

“You’re processing.”

“Not that. I don’t know. For a long time I just missed you so much it hurt, and I didn’t know how I was going to do any of it, be her dad, or…” He trailed off, a flush darkening his face. “And then I saw you again, and you were alive, and I was so happy and so relieved and I don’t know what happened since then. Something’s wrong.”

A suspicion slid into place, and Ienzo’s voice shook when he asked, “wrong how ?”

Tears flooded his eyes. “I don’t feel anything. When I look at you. You’re the father of my child. But it’s just… I feel like… I was meant to be her dad, but… I don’t know if I’m meant to be with you?” His voice quivered and broke. “I want to. I want to be in love with you again. But I…”

“I think I understand,” Ienzo said woodenly.

Demyx hesitated. He stared at Ienzo for a moment, and then he took a few steps forward and kissed him, hard.

And it was different.

Physically, it felt the same, the way they moved together. But it was just a nice kiss, without the heavy reassurance that yes , this is part of you, everything is safe, everything is okay.

In his mind’s eye, Ienzo saw Xehanort gouging him below the heart. “Oh,” he said softly.

“What’s wrong with me, Ienzo? Am I just depressed?”

“No,” he said. Numbly, he pulled away.

“...What?”

And then he started laughing.

“ What ?”

Once he began, he couldn’t stop, until tears were running down his face, and he couldn’t breathe, and somewhere the gasps of laughter became sobs, and he was curled in a ball on the floor. He felt Demyx’s hand on his back, warm but the touch was so wrong .

“Ienzo. What is it?”

He looked up. “Xehanort broke the soulbound.”

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #219: ... BY DIVINE RIGHT!

May, 1982

I can just tell that this is going to be a Moondragontastic issue. Call it a hunch. Call it the caption that reads “By divine right, MOONDRAGON commands!” Or call it her enormous cosmic head lurking mastermind like over the action scene.

Who are the Avengers even beating up? Guess I’ll find out.

So previously on Avengers! ... Uh. Well Hank Pym’s life imploded and he wound up in jail. Molecule Man was going to eat Earth and then Tigra told him not to sternly and he changed his mind. Tigra quit the team, alas. And there was that weird filler thing with the immortal child who pratfell into the Sun.

This time, we have a much delayed thing. Back during Shooter’s first run, he had unfinished plans for Moondragon which were supposed to happen sometime after the Korvac Saga. But he had to leave the book because trying to write a title and EIC wasn’t happening.

So now here he is, trying to write a title and EIC at the same time.

Uh. Second time’s the charm?

The story starts with Janet Van Dyne, divorced and Feeling Fine, getting a ‘ducky’ new haircut.

Yeah. It looks decent. Not much like a duck. But who can say why language does anything.

But just as she’s examining her new ‘do, Janet is struck by a sudden irresistible impulse to run out the salon! Run out and flyyyyyyyy!

So not really sure why, she runs out, shrinks down, and flies away.

Unfortunately, her clothes weren’t treated with unstable molecules and the compulsion is strong enough that she shrinks out of her clothes and flies off into the snow naked.

The awkward life of being Janet Van Dyne.

When we eventually establish that of course this is Moondragon, Moondragon is going to have a lot to answer for.

Meanwhile, in Atlantic City, Tony Stark is counting cards and loudly announcing that’s what he’s doing to his lady companion.

I guess when you’re rich as Tony and also have access to a ‘bodyguard’ in a walking weapons platform, casinos don’t get so kneebreaky with you.

But just as Tony bet $50,000 at blackjack, his Tony sense are tingling. Or he’s hit by the same weird compulsion as Wasp, which I’ve just noticed looks like generic store brand spider-sense in how its portrayed.

So Tony gets up and runs, telling his date that the money he has on the table and his cards are hers.

She sits down in his seat, hits on a thirteen, goes over 21 and shrugs “Easy come, easy go!”

Meanwhile, Tony flies out of the casino as Iron Man. He muses to himself that he barely resisted changing into his armor right in front of everyone.

Oh, so I see how it is (Moondragon)! Wasp is in such a hurry that she ditches her clothes but Tony gets to put some more on? I see where your butter is breaded.

Meanwhile again, Captain America is beating up some armed robbers. One of the armed robbers is actually a huge fan.

Armed robber Stu: “SPLIT UP, GUYS! RUN! HE CAN’T GET US ALL -- OOF!”

Armed robber Squid: “Stu, you jerk! He’s Captain America! Of course he can get us all! If I wasn’t a two-time loser, I wouldn’t even bother runnin’!”

But right when Cap is punching a guy, he too feels the SUDDEN COMPULSION!

He gets on his motorcycle and goes.

Leaving mixed feelings amongst the conscious armed robbers.

Armed Robber Eliot: “Hah! We scared him off, Squid!”

Armed Robber Squid: “I -- I can’t believe that! Nothin’ scares Captain America! Durin’ World War II, he took on a whole company of Nazis once and saved my dad’s platoon from an ambush!”

Eliot: “Big deal! That has-been’s runnin’ from us, isn’t he?”

Squid: “He ain’t runnin’! He probably has more important stuff to do, that’s all! And he ain’t a has-been!”

Eliot: “Right, Squid -- ! He’s a coward!” -punched- “OW!”

Squid: “SHADDUP, ELIOT!”

They’re so busy punching each other over whether or not Cap rocks or sucks that they forget to run and are punching each other when the police arrive.

Womp womp.

But hey, people get emotional debating their favorite superheroes. It is understandable.

Meanwhile again again, Jarvis is shoveling snow at Avengers Mansion and bitterly muttering to himself that he talked Tony out of purchasing a snowblower.

Jarvis: “I should have listened to Mr. Stark! I should have purchased a snow-blower as he asked! ‘Nonsense, sir!’ I said! ‘We Jarvises are a hardy breed,’ I said! ‘The expenditure is quite unnecessary,’ I said! Bah!”

Oh, Jarvis. Never talk Tony out of spending money. He has too much of it. He just lost $50,000 gambling like it was nothing.

Anyway, Thor shows up and clears all the snow by just twirling his hammer around super fast. He’s considerate like that.

With his afternoon cleared up, Jarvis invites Thor to join him watching the knickerbockers game on TV. Which is apparently ‘basketball.’

Since Thor’s afternoon is also open, he’s happy to watch sports with Jarvis.

It starts snowing again. Jarvis, not wanting work to pile up, asks Thor if he can control the weather.

And Thor is like ‘yeah but I don’t want to tamper with the natural order too much but hey just this once, I’ll do it for you buddy’ but then the STRANGE COMPULSION LINES ATTACK and Thor flies off, Jarvis wondering if his question offended the thunder god.

Hmm. We really did just have four full pages of the Avengers individually reacting to the same thing.

That’s one way to fill out a script.

I mean, it’s probably padding but the Avengers are all engaged in their own downtime thing, except Cap who is the only one who is punching things at the moment.

And I do like to see the Avengers doing non-action things.

Anyway, the Avengers all end up at a Brooklyn scrapyard where Moondragon’s ship is hovering in wait and finally the Avengers put together the dots.

AH of course! The person that keeps messing with our minds has once again messed with our minds! Is so obvious in hindsight!

Iron Man: “Obviously! Who else would have been so arrogant as to invade our minds and manipulate us like toys -- ? Who else but the self-appointed ‘goddess of the mind’? She ought to be made the 1982 Chutzpah Poster Child for this stunt!”

The spaceship shoots down an elevator beam, which is like a tractor beam but it sounds less rural.

I’m not sure how we all settled on tractor beam anyway. Was it Star Wars? Probably.

So Thor and Iron Man want to march up into that ship and give Moondragon a piece of their minds. Thor would fain confront her for this impudence.

Team Leader Janet Van Dyne says belay. Now that they’re not being STRANGE COMPULSIONED she wants to go home and get some clothes.

She managed to salvage a handkerchief from her purse and tie it around herself in a makeshift costume but you know what’s nice? Underwear, sometimes.

Although, it probably speaks to Janet’s fashion sense that Cap sees her handkerchief costume and sincerely wonders if its her new costume. You just can’t tell with her!

Anyway, it also speaks to how hard the Avengers are to lead because Thor and Iron Man and even Cap all ignore Wasp and march right into the elevator beam.

Its like herding cats!

No wonder Cap was happy to give up the job to her.

Wasp also points out that this is possibly a trap and one of them should have stayed outside and Cap is like ‘oh shit you’re right’ but it is too late for any kind of tactical thinking.

Inside the ship though they find no trap and no body. They poke around the ship but can’t find Moondragon or anybody else.

And then when Cap decides they should leave before the ship takes off, Iron Man discovers that the ship has already taken off.

Its a very smooth ride, they didn’t notice at all.

With the Avengers going off on a begrudging space adventure, a hologram recording of Drax the Destroyer comes on and starts narrating about his life.

How he was made to destroy Thanos and then when someone else destroyed Thanos, Drax was kind of left purposeless so he bummed around space aimlessly for a while before meeting up with his adult daughter who was raised on Titan.

Aka Moondragon.

Hey, I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned it on Drax or Moondragon’s previous appearances but they’re family!

Anyway, Drax recording talks about how with Moondragon’s mind powers she opened his mind and helped him find a purpose in life.

Apparently, uh, “seeking knowledge and the bliss of ultimacy.”

Fun family activities, no doubt.

The two of them came upon a war-torn planet where tens of thousands would die in a single battle.

Hologram Drax: “Move to pity, Moondragon sought to help these beings end their strife using the awesome might of her mind! She succeeded! Peace reigns -- yet, there is danger beyond imagining unfolding here! I realize now, that -- wait! I sense someone drawing near! I must end this quickly, lest I am discovered! Hear me! Only the Avengers can prevent the evil to come! Find them! Bring them to this ship! Quickly!”

And then the hologram cuts out. Creepily.

Huh.

So Drax sent the ship to bring the Avengers to help Moondragon. But Moondragon is the one who STRANGE COMPULSED the Avengers to find the ship.

Which is impressive that she can do that from across light years.

I’ll adjust my personal ranking of how impressive she might be next to Jean Gray.

So the situation is dire enough to send an empty ship but also not time consuming enough that Moondragon can take some time out of her schedule to make the Avengers ditch their activities and go on a spaceship ride.

Kinda mysterious.

Wasp even points out how weird this is.

Iron Man: “The computers were programmed to begin the return flight as soon as the ship’s sensors ascertained that we Avengers were aboard!”

Wasp: “But it doesn’t make sense... I mean, the message sounded like it was meant for anybody who happened to find the ship -- yet, Moondragon obviously made sure we’d find it first!”

By the by, I have a random prog rock playlist playing while I’m working on this post AND I’LL TELL YOU! Random prog rock over random Avengers space adventure really works well together.

Anyway, the Avengers only know that whatever the mysterious threat, it must be great to worry someone of Drax’s power.

The ship drops out of hyperspace above an alien world.

Wasp: “Guys, all this is just beginning to sink in for me! We’re zillions of miles from Earth -- ! A-and we’re about to set foot on an alien world -- and I don’t have a thing to wear! Literally! Except this old tarp I found!”

Being Janet is suffering.

I mean, I see spacesuits in the background of that panel.

And its weird that Moondragon doesn’t have a closet aboard her own ship. Although it’d all be capes and plunging necklines.

HEY WAIT speaking of capes, why doesn’t Thor lend his?

He’ll let some little shit of an immortal child wrap up in his cape but he won’t lend it to his good pal and team leader, Janet Van Wasp??

Grow you some manners, Thor!

Anyway, couture misadventures of Janet van Dyne aside. Time to disembark.

The Avengers take the de-elevator beam down, gazing in wonder at an alien world.

Well, Jan does. The others are kind of blase. Fie and poo on them.

Wasp: “It’s beautiful, b-but so strange! Almost terrifyingly strange! I feel the way I felt the first time I shrunk down to insect size -- my lord, this is a whole, new world!”

Cap: “New world or not, this looks pretty much like the town squares do back home!”

Dammit, Cap! Eat some poetry for your soul!

Iron Man comments that being beamed down from a spaceship in the middle of a shopping day is not a subtle entrance but Thor wouldn’t know subtle if it bit him on his cape.

Thor: “Fie! The god of thunder cares little for subtlety! Would that I’d summoned a raging tempest to herald our arrival! I like this not! Why is there no greeting for us? Are we but serfs, left to wend our own way to--”

Thankfully, Jan cuts off his weird monologue (Thor is being particularly goddish right now) and asks a random shopper to take them to her leader.

The alien starts responding in some alien language but partway through the Avengers can suddenly understand her.

She didn’t start speaking English. She kept speaking her native tongue but the Avengers could suddenly understand it like it were English, almost exactly as if the text in the speech bubbles became English.

Because it did. Its a nice little effect.

But its like someone (probably Moondragon) flipped a switch inside the Avengers’ heads to turn the subtitles on.

The alien shopper points the Avengers towards the “temple of the peace goddess” and they head off to there.

Thor comments that if Moondragon is fiddling with the language settings of their brains, then she must be aware of their arrival.

Moondragon, coming down the stairs and looking fab: “Of course, I am aware of your arrival, Thor! There is precious little in this universe of which the goddess of the mind is not aware! Welcome to Ba-Bani!”

Its actually a really good look for Moondragon. She’s still in green and cape and plunging neckline but the style has changed. Its more sexy priestess than sexy space swimsuit and opera cape.

It goes well with the new role she’s apparently taken on Ba-Bani.

She thanks the Avengers for coming which Thor and Iron Man are only too keen to point out that she didn’t leave them a whole lot of choice.

Wasp again tells them that she’ll handle this and tries to tell Moondragon that she’s the chairwoman of the Avengers now. But Moondragon cuts her off to tell her she already knows.

But also, that her thoughts have been with her in the trying times she’s had of late.

This is a kinder Moondragon compared to the one from #211. Wonder whither the change of heart.

Moondragon: “Sometimes, I wish it were not my lot to see most clearly that which is hidden, Janet! I could not help but be aware of your husband’s tragic downfall and the resultant turmoil in your soul, which you hide so well! I have shared your agony, and his! Greater, though, is my pain, for I see that the tragedy is deeper and more ironic than you yet realize -- and I fear it shall only worsen!”

... This is why people hate psychics.

Janet herself can only hurriedly change the subject in the face of this overly comprehensive sympathy.

Wasp: “Um... Drax’s message sounded urgent! Why don’t we discuss that?”

Hah.

So Moondragon turns on main screen to show a hostile army - consisting of the last of Ba-Bani’s warmongers, cutthroats, mercenaries and ravagers banded together - headed towards the capital city which is the city that they are currently in.

Wasp questions if Moondragon really just dragged them halfway across the universe to quell a local uprising.

Iron Man further points out that UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE moondragon the Avengers don’t make a habit to interfere in the political affairs of others. Plus, why can’t Drax handle this? Or why doesn’t Moondragon just mindzap the bad guys?

Iron Man: “Or do you reserve that treatment for those people you claim are your friends -- like us!”

Zing.

Moondragon takes exception to this. For one, she denies having set herself up as a queen or anything. The people of Ba-Bani rule themselves. She merely quelled the global war through a bit of careful psychic prodding and suggestion among world leaders.

Moondragon: “In a sense, I merely improved communications among the world leaders and removed the need for war!”

Drax: “She has saved countless millions of lives already, Avengers!”

For another thing, the peace is still fragile. She has to maintain a constant rapport with said world leaders and influential people to preserve it.

Even as it relies on a careful, selective touch, she says the effort is staggering and she can’t ALSO psychically smack the invading army.

And point the last, she’s only just convinced him that his purpose in life doesn’t have to be destroying and it would be shitty to throw him at violence again and reawaken his destructive nature.

Thus, the need for outside help.

If the Avengers can’t or won’t stop the army, the global bloodshed may reignite and Moondragon won’t be able to stop it again. MILLIONS WILL DIE!

So since Wasp is the chairperson, it falls to her to decide what to do.

And I can’t help but notice that when it comes time to decide whether to intervene in a very foreign extraterrestial conflict, Iron Man finally defers to her instead of her having to yank him back from whatever impulsive thing he wants to do.

Being leader of the Avengers has gotta suck.

Anyway, Wasp decides they’ll stop the immediate threat to the city but after that... well.... they’ll see.

But its a decision Wasp feels weird about because her head is all weird, like her mind is in a fog. She’s sure there were some follow-up questions she wanted to ask Moondragon that she can’t remember anymore.

I’m sure that forgetting what you wanted to ask a psychic is a coincidence and forebodes nothing.

She’s probably just tired.

Scene cut to the aggressive army of aggressors peering at the horizon going ‘hey are those missiles? Can’t be, the peace goddess told them to abandon  weapons.’

SURPRISE, ITS THE AVENGERS

Surprise to them, anyway. If I paused long enough to let you guess, I’m sure you would have guessed the Avengers.

Anyway. I’m pretty sure Wasp is still wearing the handkerchief, although she has managed to tailor it to being less obviously makeshift.

I was about to complain that they didn’t stop and let her get some clothes but. I mean, what are the odds that the local shop contains either clothing her size or clothing that can change size?

Anyway, Wasp still feels weird about the decision to get involved.

Wasp: “I can’t stop wondering whether or not we’re doing the right thing! Moony says she isn’t ruling this planet, yet, she is controlling the destinies of these people! Isn’t that the same thing? I-I’m so confused!”

But since the army does have guns and they are out for blood, she doesn’t have any hesitation to beat them up a little.

Some decent Wasp action, too.

And it’s not just Wasp who has misgivings.

Iron Man also has his doubts, as he picks up a guy in each hand and slams them together.

Iron Man: “I can’t help feeling sorry for these guys! They’re the underdogs! Something’s eating at me about what we’re doing here, but for the life of me -- I can’t quite put my finger on it!”

Cap too. In a specifically Cap way.

Cap: “These rebels are fighting for freedom -- but what they want is the freedom to make war! We’ve got to stop them -- I know that! Still, for some reason, my instinct are screaming that we shouldn’t!”

The only Avenger who isn’t having doubts is (by process of elimination) Thor who is throwing tanks around and doing his best divine smack talk.

Thor: “Beware, base scoundrels -- lest the wrath of the thunder god destroy thee!”

Anyway, misgivings aside, the Avengers aren’t having much trouble actually beating up this army. For the last of the warmongers, they’re not much of a match for a super-soldier, a guy in power armor, an actual god of actual thunder, and Janet goddamn van Dyne.

Like Iron Man said, the evil invading army just feels like the underdogs here.

From a distance, Drax spectates the battle. And notices a pair of rebels closing on Cap from behind. They’re planning to shoot Cap in the back and hopefully that act will let them rally the army against the remaining Avengers.

Drax realizes he could stop them. Or warn Cap. But he feels a strange contentment to just watch.

This must be what being Uatu is like.

The two rebels shoot Cap off his sky-sled. He barely managed to get his shield up to protect himself.

While Iron Man catches Cap from a fateful plummet, Wasp goes after the two who attacked Cap.

Wasp: “Hey! You on the sled -- ! I’m an Avenger, and I don’t think what you did was nice or fair, so I’m avenging it! So there!”

Hey! The team name has a meaning! You did it, Wasp! You named the team Avengers because it sounded cool and then you finally did some avenging 218 (plus annuals and crossovers) later!

Proud of you.

Anyway, Thor catches the two rebels from their own fateful plummet, declaring that they don’t deserve the honor of death in combat.

Then while sort of waving the two like visual aids at the army, Thor demands they surrender.

Thor: “Hear me, armies of the rebellion! Your leaders are my captives! Your cause is doomed! Lay down your arms -- now! I will warn you but this once!”

Army Guy: “We are undone!”

Another Guy: “We surrender!”

Soon, the Avengers return to the capital city, Thor carrying the apparent rebel leaders on a random piece of debris.

Moondragon thanks the Avengers for what they did. She also asks that the Avengers turn the rebel ringleaders over to the city’s civil authority so that they may, in time, be rehabilitated.

She also mentions that Drax has alerted the city’s police to take the other rebels into custody and to destroy their surrendered weapons.

And then she tries to hurry the Avengers along.

Moondragon: “Then, truly, it is over! You have done a magnificent and noble labor this day, Avengers! Father, please make ready my ship! They must be anxious to return to Earth!”

Cap interjects saying that they’d prefer to stay a day or two to take in the sights.

Wasp grouses at Cap speaking for the Avengers. Dangit, she’s supposed to speak for the Avengers!

With but an ellipses of hesitation, Moondragon agrees that the world is new to the Avengers and there’s a lot of stuff for them to see. And says that they’ll leave tomorrow instead.

Nice try, Moondragon. There’s five pages of plot left. Can’t wrap up early.

So then we have a twelve hour timeskip so the Avengers can nap and shower and its off to explore an alien world! With tour guide Drax!

The first thing they learn is that its never nighttime on Ba-Bani! I don’t know if thats a multiple suns thing or an orbit thing but its always daytime.

Janet does not approve.

Anyway, Thor ditches the group because he’s seen a lot of worlds and it just doesn’t interest him. He’s going to find something else to do.

And then the Avengers split up.

Cap wants to mix with the people a bit and Wasp wants to not wear a tarp so they’re headed to the market.

Iron Man spotted some high tech factories and dangit if he doesn’t love industry so he’s going to have Drax take him through one.

And then we skip ahead another hour. Which is a fairly reasonable amount of time to shop, probably.

Janet has obtained Actual Clothes That Aren’t A Tarp.

And because her money is no good here, even if she had any on her, she told the tailor to bill it to Moondragon.

Which is funny for at least two reasons.

The first of which is that I always find it funny when anyone on the Avengers foists their bills on someone else. The second of which will make sense when I cover next issue.

Anyway, mentioning Moondragon makes Cap remember that he wanted to bring her up. His thoughts have been so muddled about it but that’s the real reason why he wanted to stay longer.

Wasp: “Because you suspect that she’s manipulating us -- ? Because you think things aren’t quite kosher here on Ba-Bani? I was a bit slower on the uptake than you, but... I agree! Let’s just nose around a little, shall we?”

She’s not. Unsuspicious.

Cap even has a good idea where to start looking and takes Wasp on the sky-sled to the site of the battle from earlier.

Some guards or police or something have the area blocked off and tell the Avengers that nobody is to enter the area. Especially not the outworlders.

But since these guards aren’t armed thanks to Moondragon’s sensible gun control policies, Wasp tells them to screw off and Cap just flies around them.

Cap hopes to find an escaped rebel and ask them about their cause or maybe examine their abandoned equipment.

It’d take a long, exhaustive investigation to piece things together that way but it’ll be worth doing.

But he doesn’t have to.

Because when Cap and Wasp arrive at the battlefield, they find that two of the workers working to clear up debris are the rebel leaders from earlier.

Convenient!

Wasp: “Pardon me, fellas, but, did you, um, by any chance lead a rebellion yesterday?”

Rebel Leader: “What? Oh, that! Yes! I can’t understand what got into me! I was tending my shop in the city, when suddenly I felt compelled to seize a weapon and come out here! Thousands of others were similarly, mysteriously compelled! Out of the blue, my friend, here, and I became obsessed with the idea of leading this impromptu army in an attack upon the city! Thank the goddess you stopped us!”

So. Yeah.

Where have we heard SUDDEN COMPULSION before as a thing that makes people do things?

I mean, this isn’t exactly subtle.

Moondragon forced an army to form and then had the Avengers beat them up.

The plot thickens.

Meanwhile, Drax takes Iron Man on a tour of a communications center. Ba-Bani has low-orbit anti-grav satellites in the sky for communications and for monitoring the city and its surrounding environs.

Every public event is recorded. For historical and legal matters, surely.

You ever see a villain somehow monitoring something and thought ‘wait how did they have a camera there?’ WELL BA-BANI HAS YOU COVERED!

THEY HAVE EVERYTHING MONITORED!

For example, Iron Man punches up a video of the battle from yesterday and specifically to the moment when Cap was ambushed.

Iron Man: “Say... I hadn’t realized how close you were to us, Drax! You were right on top of us! You must have seen the ambush developing! Why didn’t you do something -- or even just yell ‘look out!’”

Drax: “I -- I don’t know...”

Iron Man: “I can’t believe you just stood there watching while Cap was almost cut in half! Drax, we’ve been in scrapes together before -- that isn’t like you! What’s wrong? What’s going on?”

Drax: “Nothing! Nothing! I am fine!”

The hallmark of someone truly fine, shouting that they are fine.

Or just saying that they are fine.

Does ‘I’m fine’ even mean what its definition meaning means anymore? Does anyone use it sincerely?

Anyway, Iron Man decides that ‘I’m fine’ means ‘I’m not fine’ and that Moondragon has been messing with his head.

And by ‘his’ I could mean either Drax or Iron Man. Because Iron Man has felt his thoughts muddled lately too.

Its a bit of a trend.

But Drax refuses to believe it. Shouting that its not true; his daughter wouldn’t do that.

While one of the people manning the communications center just kind of stares at this argument.

Because. It does sort of draw attention. Drax is making all kinds of dramatic poses and Iron Man marched over to grab him by the shoulders.

(I think communication console woman is wikipediaing Drax because pictures of him are showing up on all the consoles)

Iron Man: “You ‘know’ what she wants you to know! She controls thoughts! How can anyone really be certain whether he’s thinking what he wants -- or what she wants? She can make us think, say, or do anything, and we wouldn’t even realize it! Even this could be her manipulating us -- but I don’t think so! I know there’s a limit to her power! She can’t have her attention everywhere at once! Pray it’s mostly elsewhere for now and listen to me while we have a chance!”

So maybe Moondragon is distracted and that’s why Iron Man is coherent enough to have this conversation. But what could she be distracted by?

Well, scene change to the temple of Moondragon and Thor arriving at it.

Moondragon: “Thor! I had hoped you might come!”

Thor: “Spare me your guile, woman! You knew I would come -- for ‘twas you did plant this ‘whim’ in my mind, was it not?”

Moondragon: “Yes... it was!”

Thor: “You are less subtle than I’d imagined, woman!”

Moondragon: “Deliberately! You are a god, Thor! I need practice no subtlety upon you!”

Thor accuses her of having taken total control of this world and to Thor, Moondragon admits it.

But she has a good excuse.

Moondragon: “Behold, Thor! This city is alive -- ! Fresh with gardens and music and the laughter of children! When I came here it was a blood-soaked battleground! I brought peace to Ba-Bani! I made this! Have I done wrong?”

Its a tough question. Because psychic mind control isn’t really real and moral philosophy is also probably made up.

On some level, a society is going to put restrictions on people for their own good. Like seat belt laws or food safety standards. But on the other hand, Moondragon is controlling people’s thoughts.

Is it right to do that for a good cause?

(X-Men sure as hell hopes so with all the psychics running around in those books. Sheesh.)

But Drax did not think it was right.

Per the hologram recording and also Moondragon’s confession here, Drax sent the ship to get the Avengers. She wasn’t able to stop it so she expedited the Avengers finding it so it seemed like she was in on it.

Then she staged a fake revolution for the Avengers to crush so they could leave satisfied that they had done a thing.

She also put Drax under her strict control after he sent the ship.

Moondragon: “There! You know now the sum of my ‘guile,’ Thor! I’m relieved to be confessed, for gods should have no secrets between them! We should be closer... It is the role of gods to set aright the paths of lesser beings! ‘Twas ever thus! My labor is difficult... and lonely! I need your help... and your comforting touch...”

Thor: “Moondragon... it is not good to tamper overmuch with the natural course of things...”

Moondragon: “But this once -- ? For my sake...”

Thor: “For... your... sake...”

Moondragon: “Love me, son of Odin! Be thou mine!”

Thor: “Aye... thine...”

Dammit, Moondragon! If you’re using mind control to make Thor love you, don’t be doing that! It happens to him far too much!

Every damn enchantress on Asgard for one!

So on the one hand, Wasp, Cap, and Iron Man are wise to Moondragon’s shit now.

On the other hand, Thor seems to have been seduced to her corner.

And on the third, ambiguous hand, Drax who seems like maybe he’s on the fence. Maybe Iron Man just needs to shake him some more.

Next time sure is going to be some kind of WAR AGAINST THE GODS!

According to the big pink words, anyway.

Hey. Psst. There’s a SUDDEN COMPULSION to follow @essential-avengers​ and to like and reblog this post. Weird, huh? Maybe if you listen to that SUDDEN COMPULSION you’ll get to go on a space ride to space. No promises.