#they're all fucking dumbasses your honor

[sobredunia]

Behold. My masterpiece

@rottenkadaver @sansxfuckyou-deactivated20230515 @blacklightsys @beetroot-merchant @ashs-hellhole @h3xt0r @helloidkwhatimdoing-0 @imflyingfish

@bree-sae this is what I needed the sprites for lol

[blueclearcloud]

I just am really not okay right now. My baby (Suletta Mercury) is sad and broken so i have lost all hope and happiness.

[just-my-latest-hyperfixation]

All I can get

Written for @steddiesmuttyseptember, week 5

Prompts: Impact & Full Rated: E

Words: 1,130

Tags: Pre S4; Fuck buddies; Angry sex; Spanking; Dirty talk; Top Eddie, Power bottom Steve; They're in denial, your honor

Notes: Y'all liked the pre S4 fuck buddies from the July microfic so much, so have some more.

“Y'know what is weird?” Eddie asks. Steve doesn’t reply, just pushes him down onto the bed, pausing only briefly to shuck off his pants and shoes before he dives after him. The mattress bounces under his weight, ridiculously thick and soft, and Eddie needs to bite back a snort as he shuffles up, reclining against the plush headboard. Fucking rich people. 

He's not even sure whose house this is. Hagan's? Is it Hagan's? Is he gonna fuck Steve Harrington in Mr. and Mrs. Hagan's bedroom while their ugly dumbass of a son runs around downstairs, looking for the king like a court jester out of a job? 

He doesn’t get to ponder the hilarity of that thought, because Steve is shoving greedy fingers inside of his pants to pull out his rapidly swelling cock. Steve himself is fully hard already, leaking over Eddie’s thigh and stomach as he crawls into his lap, and Eddie’s attention snaps back to the present as if pulled on a rubber band.

“The thing that's weird,” he repeats, one hand cupping Steve’s bare ass and giving a tight squeeze, “is that I used to think you didn't remember these little run-ins of ours. After all, you're always drunk and high off your ass at these parties. Aren't you, honey?” 

Steve doesn’t grace him with an answer. Instead he rolls his hips, making their naked cocks rub together, sending white-hot sparks of pure want sizzling straight into Eddie’s blood. Eddie grins, shifting the position of his hand, delighting in the little gasp he gets when he spreads Steve wide open. His fingers slip inside with a wet, slick sound, all the way to the first knuckle, and Steve's hips stutter. 

“But you do,” Eddie smiles, reveling in the needy, high-pitched keen he gets when he pulls his fingers out again. “You do remember. Why else would you come and find me every single time? Why else would you come prepared?” 

“Shut up,” Steve mutters, and impales himself on Eddie’s cock, bottoming out in one smooth movement. Warm and tight and perfect, like he was made for this. Eddie likes to think he was. 

“Aw, but why?” he asks, hands finding Steve's hips, nails digging into the thin layer of skin over bones, deep enough to leave marks that will stay for days. The traces of his touch branded into Steve’s flesh. Steve bites his bottom lip, and it quivers with his soundless whine. “Why, Stevie, are you ashamed of me? I’m wounded.” 

Steve scoffs and rolls his eyes, grinding himself up and down on Eddie’s cock, chasing his relief with quick, practiced movements. Something coils inside Eddie’s abdomen, something dark and dangerous and mean. Following a sudden impulse, he takes aim, letting his palm connect with Steve’s ass with an audible slap. 

Steve gasps and flinches, almost toppling off Eddie’s lap in his surprise. For a second or two, they both stare at each other, wide-eyed and speechless, and Eddie begins to think that he may have made a horrible mistake. Then, he sees the way Steve is blushing, dark pink and pretty all the way from his collarbone to the bridge of his nose. Sees the way his cock has jumped to attention, flushed and leaking precum. His face splits into a grin so wide it’s almost painful. 

“In fact,” he says, “I think you shouldn’t be shy about it. I think you should let everyone hear.” 

He isn’t sure which he likes more: The look of panicked anticipation on Steve’s face just before the second hit lands, or the barely stifled moan he lets out when it does. The force of the impact makes him rock forward in Eddie’s lap, and he clenches around him, taking him even deeper than before. 

“I think,” Eddie says, and slaps him again, so hard he can feel Steve’s ass bounce with it, “you should let everyone hear how much you enjoy it when I fill you up with my cock. I think everyone should hear you moan and whimper and cry like a needy little whore.” 

He punctuates his words with another series of slaps. They echo in the silent bedroom, drowning out the sounds of the party downstairs, and with every single one, Steve grinds himself a little deeper, stuffing himself a little fuller. His eyes are glassy with unshed tears, his bottom lip puffy and swollen from biting down on it, but not once does he cry out. 

“Shame,” Eddie quips, digging his fingers into the skin of Steve’s ass again, nails sinking right into the sensitive, abused flesh, and Steve fucking keens, slumping forward and bracketing his arms against the headboard for support. “If everyone knew, we could just stop this little game of hide and seek, y’know. I could just sit down there, and sell my goods, and keep you in my lap all night, like the pretty little slut you-” 

“I said shut up,” Steve breathes, and crushes their mouths together. The kiss is as harsh and bruising as Eddie’s hits, Steve’s teeth digging into his lips, Steve’s tongue filling his mouth, allowing him no room to breathe or break away. Not like he’d want to. 

Eddie’s climax hits him with a suddenness that surprises even himself, making starbursts of light erupt behind his closed eyelids as he screams into that warm, wet mouth and spills deep inside Steve’s body. Steve moans into the kiss, grabbing Eddie’s hand to roughly guide it to his own twitching cock. Two or three hard pumps are all it takes for him to follow suit, painting Eddie’s chest and stomach in thick, white ropes. They stay where they are for a few moments, ragged breaths mingling in the thin sliver of space between them, while they both come down and Eddie’s cock slowly goes limp inside of Steve. 

Then, without a word, Steve rolls off the bed. As he bends down to retrieve his pants off the floor, Eddie can see the imprint of his own hand on his ass, bright red and angry. 

“You might wanna spend the rest of the night standing up,” he can’t help but say as Steve makes his way to the door. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone the reason if you don’t.” 

Steve pauses on the threshold just long enough to shoot him a withering look. 

“Please. Like anyone would believe you.” 

He has a point, Eddie muses as he cleans himself up with the box of tissues on the nightstand and puts himself back together. King Steve? With a freak like him? Yeah, fat fucking chance! 

In the bedroom mirror, his reflection grins back at him, lips puffy and swollen. Ah, well. They’ll both remember it happened, he made sure of that. 

He'll take all he can get. 

More smutty September

[dranosh-haran-of-paleoworld]

Okay, this is my first time doing this, but I need to say this, to the people who claim Sasuke's a bad clan leader, or that Fugaku and Mikoto would've accepted his relationship with Sakura had the clan survived, you're all idiots and I am not sorry for saying that.

I don't watch or read Boruto as I don't consider anything past chapter 695 as canon, but I'm still going to get this out of the way first. Sasuke never wanted to marry that bitch Sakura, he never wanted a kid with her or whatever. This man is the victim of a state-sanctioned genocide, torture, and humiliation at hands of his own brother whom he loved dearly and admired, and it was all done on orders of the state after decades of systemic segregation, oppression, prejudice, and discrimination. Sasuke was forced to relive the massacre over a million times in the Tsukuyomi and went through this twice once when he was 7 and again when he was 12 or 13, with the latter experience putting him in a coma following Itachi breaking his wrist and ribs, and this nearly killed him had Tsunade not helped him (literally the ONLY good thing she did in the series). If anyone here in the real world experienced this, they'd either be dead or in some kind of mental hospital. The point is that they would be mentally destroyed, and they'd barely be able to function in society. Regular depression already fucks people up as is, and Sasuke went something no one should ever have to go through and it's a miracle he's still able to function as is.

Sasuke also repeatedly to Sakura to fuck off and leave him alone. That bitch repeatedly pestered and harassed him for years, emotionally wearing him down until he agreed to hump and dump her ass once. This bitch emotionally abused this poor guy, so it's no surprise he not only didn't want shit to do with her or her sithspawn of a daughter. This guy wasn't emotionally or mentally stable after what Itachi did to him at 7, and he hasn't been since. Hell, it's said in one of the databooks that Sasuke originally wanted a normal life with family and friends, but Itachi ruined it with his torture sessions. Those of you shitting on Sasuke for not being a good clan leader for not communicating with Sakura or Sarada or something, don't use your heads, those two dumbasses aren't even Uchiha.

Now, onto the other part of my argument, neither Fugaku nor Mikoto would've accepted Sakura being in a potential partner for Sasuke had the Uchiha survived, however, before I start this portion let me admit that this will be hard for me to properly articulate and so I apologize in advance so with that said let's get into this.

Putting aside how shitty and lackluster of an individual Sakura herself is, she also offers or brings nothing to the table.

As other people have so beautifully said before, the Uchiha are one of the oldest and strongest clans in the series. Their lineage goes back thousands of years, dating back to the time of Hagoromo, who himself was considered a myth by the public in the present. Because of this, there's a great deal of prestige, honor, pride, and recognition that comes with their bloodlines' age. Not only that, but the Uchiha are more distinct and well-known than any other clan in the series. The Uchiha are the ONLY clan to possess distinctly potent and voluminous chakra, and because of this, they're only ones who possess and wield one of the most powerful and coveted kekkei genkai in the series the sharingan. This stems from them being the ONLY clan to have inherited the potent chakra and dojutsu of the Shinju.

The Uchiha have their own clan specific culture, mores, values, beliefs, and traditions strictly unique to themselves, for example, the clans' crest can only be worn by the members of the clan who've demonstrated mastery over their signature fireball katon jutsu and as Fugaku says to Sasuke it represents the will of those with fans who manipulate fire, use or mastery over this jutsu also makes that Uchiha a fully fledged member of the clan.

The Uchiha were known and feared throughout the world for their strength, prowess, and renown as a battle clan, so much so that other villages had rules when facing off against them. Every time someone saw or confronted Sasuke, they always brought up his lineage with reverence and fear. Two Kumo shinobi saw him and Taka carrying Bee away, and while they considered rescuing Bee, they immediately changed their minds upon seeing the Uchiha crest on Sasuke's back and instead reported to Ae about what happened. A whole crowd of wealthy patrons showed up at the Chunin Exams to see the last Uchiha battle it out, and that's why Sasuke wasn't disqualified for showing up late to his battle with Gaara during the Exams. During the Warring States Period, the Uchiha were virtually unstoppable with only the Senju due to their jutsu variety and their chieftain the freak Hashirama Senju rivaling them.

Taking all of this into account, there's no reason for a distinguished clan/bloodline like the Uchiha to take an outsider like Sakura into their midst and spoil the bloodline. Bloodline purity is a thing in the real world and persists to this very day. It's actually considered to be a huge transgression for members of distinguished clans, families, and lines to bring outsiders in and spoil their bloodlines by marrying them to the point that they're cast out and probably disowned to the highest caliber for doing it.

I wanna briefly talk about Sakura herself and explain why neither Fugaku, Mikoto, or the rest of the clan wouldn't have accepted her into their midst.

As a shinobi, Sakura is a complete nobody. She has no feats, strengths, capabilities, skills, or whatever that her remotely capable.

Her chakra reserves ridiculously tiny, she can't even handle a trickle of biju chakra. Her skillset is a complete copy pasta of Tsunade's, her skills as a medical nin are surpassed by those of Tsunade, Hashirama, Kabuto and even Sasuke during the time he had Orochimaru's white snake abilities in his system and even after he lost that, as Sasuke's self-taught himself to funnel raiton through his body to avoid mortal injury which he's done during his battles against Deidara, Bee, and Danzo. Sakura hasn't improved on, reinvented, or created her own jutsus. Her super strength is just an extension of her byakugo. She's got no talent for genjutsu or handling vast amounts of chakra. Her speed and agility feats are nonexistent, and her intelligence feats are lackluster too.

Sakura also doesn't come from a distinguished clan or bloodline. Neither she nor her parents are civilians. Let me take this time to clarify that the hidden villages house NO civilians within their midst, the hidden villages are MILITARY powers, everyone within them are soldiers, it would be antithetical for these villages to house civilian populations within them as the civilians contribute nothing to the overall prosperity and function of the village as again these are military powers within the countries. Sakura and her parents are from a smaller or minor clan within the series.

Sakura also doesn't train or take her training seriously. Sasuke points this out to her in canon during the earliest chapters of the Chunin Exams arc, and Sakura still did jackshit about it, only finally taking her training seriously after Sasuke left Konoha for good and defected to Orochimaru. And since the Uchiha again are a battle clan and the most elite clan in canon, someone like Sakura ain't being allowed within a hundred feet of them.

As an individual, Sakura, as I said above, is very lackluster and shitty. This girl has petty self-esteem issues. She knows she's lacking in various departments and tries to compensate for this by latching onto others like a leech and using them for her self-worth, Ino was originally this before Sasuke unwittingly came along. She's very shallow and vain, too.

She knows absolutely nothing about Sasuke from minor things like whether or not he wore glasses, to serious things like him being an orphan, which is ridiculous since everyone else at the academy knew these details before they were made genins. She doesn't question or try to understand Sasuke or his motivations.

She's an asshole to pretty much anyone and everyone around her whenever Sasuke's not around in canon, including other women.

She broke off her years' worth of friendship with Ino over a boy who didn't know she existed and wanted nothing to do with her. She's also made numerous attempts to downgrade and put Ino down, despite the fact that Ino was the first person to treat her with kindness, helped her with her bullies, and was the first person to validate her. Ino was also the one to try and mend and patch up their relationship. Hell, Sakura wanted Sai to call Ino ugly and was pissed when he didn't.

During the War Arc, she disrespected Tsunade, her own mentor who turned her from a nobody to a decently capable medical shinobi.

She taped a picture of her in her thirties over a picture of Karin with Sasuke and spreads rumors to Sarada about other women, like Ino trying to take Sasuke away from her.

She frequently insults and assaults Naruto, and it isn't comedy relief as she does this even after he saves her or treats her nicely. She assaulted Sai for calling her ugly despite the poor guy being a slave and Sakura name calling Naruto on a regular basis. She also attacked Konohamaru before calling her an ugly bitch (which was based on his part lol). She was also pissy about his and Naruto's sexy jutsus only to act like a fan girl when he showed her hot naked dudes, like Sasuke. So she's a hypocrite.

And she doesn't care about her own parents, and actually disrespected them, Naruto's parents, and Sasuke's as well. She tried in canon to invalidate the importance and love Sasuke had for his parents and clan, and that's tremendously disrespectful. Hell, in Boruto, she repeatedly chased after Sasuke despite being pregnant with Sarada putting her at risk, discarded the umbilical cord, which is a serious taboo, wrecked her house when Sarada asked her a simple question or two about her father, Karin frequently sends Sarada gifts instead of Sakura.

The Uchiha as a whole care deeply about one another and all within their clan, and someone like Sakura, who's again vain, shallow, petty, selfish, disrespectful, and ignorant would NEVER be considered fit to join them.

Let's play a little game of What if? Because this is something I've thought about for a while.

Following Sasuke's successful usage and mastery of the Uchiha fireball katon in front of Fugaku who himself chooses to make Sasuke his heir, Hiruzen decided to not only personally meet with and apologize to Fugaku and the Uchiha for the false accusations and punishment over the 9-Tails attack, but he also grants the clan the rights and positions of power that they deserved from the beginning, even stepping down as hokage and letting Fugaku become hokage then and there, but Fugaku maintains his decision on Sasuke being the next clan head. If this scenario took place, there's no way in Hell Sakura's going to be anywhere near Sasuke. He would've been even more untouchable for her than he already was in canon. Sasuke was already very clan oriented and duty bound in canon. He was fervently loyal and devoted to his clan and cared deeply about what they and his family thought of him, outsiders be damned. Fugaku isn't allowing any of his children, especially his heir, to marry an outsider like Sakura. The Uchiha clan in its entirety wouldn't have accepted this either. There's no way they would've accepted their future chieftain marrying a non-Uchiha, and if they did accept it, they would've accepted someone of equal standing or prestige as them. Fugaku and Mikoto would've arranged a marriage for Sasuke, and he wouldn't have objected to that. After all, Sasuke was pulling out all the stops in canon to make his father happy, and he was already extremely close with Mikoto and was well liked and respected by the rest of the clan so marrying someone his parents picked out for him is something Sasuke's definitely doing.

Let's also not forget that Sasuke's extraordinary on all fronts, in terms of beauty, skill, strength, talent, and prodigiousness, all of this, and his chakra volume and potency are through the fucking roof even the standards of his own clan. Sasuke's Sharingan is the most powerful and potent within the series since or after Indra’s which is insane as only Indra inherited his fathers chakra.

Orochimaru and Obito both knew and explicitly stated that Sasuke's Sharingan and chakra were more powerful than Itachi's. In canon, Sasuke was supposed to be THE vessel for Orochimaru, the last one he'd EVER need. Obito's entire Infinite Tsukuyomi plan hinged on utilizing Sasuke at EMS and connecting him to the Gedo Statue, something Nagato, Konan, Zetsu, and no doubt Kisame knew all to well. Kabuto knew this, too, and he himself had his own plans for Sasuke. He blackmailed and helped Obito fight a war for Sasuke, and that war was fought to see who between them could get to Sasuke first. Everyone wanted Sasuke for one reason or another, either for his looks (Sasuke's the most good-looking character in the series), his talents and skills, and abilities everything. Madara, Tobirama, Orochimaru, Obito, Zetsu, Gai, Jiraiya, Cee, Darui, Bee, Mei, Hagoromo, Kurama, Karin, Jugo, Suigetsu, Kabuto, Kakashi, Hiruzen, Neji, Tenten, Deidara, Nagato, Konan, Kisame, and Fugaku (when Sasuke performed their clans rite of passage jutsu at the age of 6 only a week after being shown it once) all of them to varying degrees were aware and dumbstruck by Sasuke's gifts and many of them wanted him.

Sasuke's skills with the sharingan, chakra, and Ninjutsu are beyond profound. He's genetically capable of awakening the EMS and the most unique rinnegan in Shinobi history.

In this alternate timeline, Sasuke's going to be trained to hell and back by not only Fugaku and everyone who he deems fit to train him. As he grows and matures Sasuke's parents and clan, ARE going to take notice of all of these aspects and gifts of his, and they're going to be especially picky about who his bride would be, as the next head of the Uchiha clan especially one like Sasuke with his looks, skills, talents, wealth, and prestige can't and won't marry just anyone especially without the consent of his parents and clan.

In this scenario, Sasuke's future wife would either be another Uchiha (the most logical conclusion) or someone else from another distinguished clan or bloodline. I see people mentioning Ino and Karin on this topic since their love for Sasuke while still being in part because of his beauty is still way more genuine than Sakura's. Karin was saved a few times by Sasuke, and he ultimately was the one who allowed to take control over her own future. She knew and understood Sasuke the most, and her relationship with Sasuke is the most erotic in canon.

Ino's love for Sasuke was described as tender by her father, and it was never about herself but how he brought her joy.

Frankly I don't object to either of them being with Sasuke, although I would like someone to help me understand how Ino from a bloodline perspective would be a good match for Sasuke as Karin is an Uzumaki and her clan has been around as long as the Uchiha so I can see why Fugaku and Mikoto would've accepted her as a future daughter-in-law, but Ino I feel like I'm missing something else or I'm just over thinking it in regards to her. Ino and Karin are also better individuals than Sakura and capable shinobi, their skills, abilities, and lives having nothing to do with Sasuke and instead being completely independent of him. Neither of them were pushy and respected Sasuke's boundaries to a better degree than Sakura.

This was a long-winded post, I know, but essentially, Sakura ain't ever hooking up with Sasuke at all, Fugaku and Mikoto ain't letting her anywhere near him.

Before I close this off, I want to ask anyone who reads this. Who else do you think Fugaku and Mikoto would've accepted as Sasuke's bride in the little what if I put above? Let me say I'm not a shipper, and like others, I find the Naruto fandom's obsession with shipping to be incredibly stupid and annoying. I am staunchly in the Pro Uchiha, Sasuke, Madara, Indra, Fugaku, and Mikoto camp, the Uchiha its members and lore, as well as the real world myths and lore used by Kishimoto to create them all capture me. But admittedly, I do agree with some people who agree that Karin and Ino would've been better partners, and that really had me thinking about who else Fugaku and the rest of the clan would've saw as fit to marry Sasuke and join the clan, so yeah I'm curious to know your thoughts and opinions on this topic as well, however, I do not agree with the Sasuke x Hinata ship, I want to shoot that down quickly, that shit ain't happening.

But again, this is a very long first post of mine on Tumblr, so yeah, thanks for reading.

[adhd-coyote]

Alright, since you all seemed to like my Mando'a rambling so much, here's a list of curses, insults, and threats in Mando'a. This is a combination of official words/phrases (grabbed from Mandocreator and this lovely dictionary by @/peltigaan), stuff I've come up with myself, and things that some wonderful people on the Oya Biatch Discord server <3 (You can find our dictionary here) I highly recommend checking out both linked dictionaries for all your Mando'a needs, they're both great

Chakaar - Thief/petty criminal (lit. Corpse robber) Chakaaryc - Rotten/lowlife Dar’manda - No longer a Mandalorian, someone who has abandoned their creed Demagolka - Monster, child abuser, someone who commits atrocities, a war criminal Di’kut - Idiot (lit. Someone who forgets to put their pants on) Di’kutla - Useless, stupid, worthless Dini - Lunatic Dini’la - Insane Gar ven'mar'eyi gar kyr'am pare - You will find your death waiting Ge’hut’uun - Not even notable enough to be called a coward Haar’chak - Damn it Hut’uun - Coward Kaysh mirsh solus- They’re an idiot (lit. Their brain cell is lonely.) Kaysh ru'hokaani kaysh videk - They have cut their own throat (They've fucked themself over) Ke’shab garast ti [item] - Go fuck yourself with a(n) [item] Kih’osik - Little shit Mir’sheb - Smartass Mir’osik - Shit for brains Mirsh’kyramud - Boring person (lit. brain killer) Mirshepar’la - Boring (lit. brain devouring) Nar’sheb - Shove it up your ass Najaat - Someone with no honor Ne shab’rud’ni - Don’t fuck with me Ner kal ven’isiri gar tal - My blade will taste your blood Ni cetar’narir kay’shebs - I'm going to shove my boot up their ass Ori’buyce, kih’kovid - All helmet, no head (Insult for a big ego) Or’dini - Moron/fool Osik - Shit Osi’kyr - Oh shit Os’ika - Little shit (affectionate) Osik’la - Shitty Osik’uram - Rude person/someone with no filter (lit. Shit mouth) Jagyc’kovid - Dickhead Jar’sheb - Dumbass Shab - Fuck Shabiir - To fuck up Shabla - Fucked up Shab’rudur - To fuck with Shabuir - Motherfucker (Or, by another interpretation, a bad parent) Shebs - Ass Sheb’palon - Asshole Sheb’urcyin - Ass-kisser Sheb’urcyir - To suck up/“to kiss ass” Skanah - Much-hated thing/person (Bitch/Asshole) Ke’soora, shab - Suck it, fucker Ke’soora ner jagyc - Suck my dick Usen’ye - Go away/Fuck off Utreekov - Fool, idiot (lit. emptyhead) Vaar’ika - Pipsqueak/runt [Item] lo’shebs’ul narit - You can shove your [item] up your ass

[youre-ackermine]

Happy Holidays from your Secret Santa @theysangastheyslew 🧑‍🎄

This is my gift to you for the Levihan Secret Santa Exchange hosted by @levihanweek ❄️

This fic is set a few weeks after Belated Birthday Hope you'll like it!

Characters: Levi Ackerman x Hange Zoë, Erwin Smith

Content: Modern AU / Established relationship (they're engaged your honor) / Tooth rotting Fluff / Non-binary AFAB Hange / Swearwords

Wordcount: 6.4k approx.

A/N: English is not my usual language / Huge shout-out to my proof reader Terra @dont-f-with-moogles Thank you for your help & constant support! ilysm ❤️

Hange stopped abruptly in front of a small shop filled with colorful treats and festive pastries. They squinted at the display window before turning to Levi with a grin.

“What now, Four-Eyes?” he asked with a scowl, trying to force back the irritation in his tone.

Hange clasped their hands together, eyes wide and imploring.

“Levi, please!” they whined, fluttering their eyelashes in that ridiculously cute way they both knew he couldn’t resist.

“They sell those amazing candied chestnuts, the best in town really, and I need them to snack on tonight, you know. Could you buy me some while I... well, while I handle something else down the street?”

Levi raised a suspicious eyebrow. “What kind of ‘something else’?”

They leaned in with a playful smile. Their voice dropped to what they thought was a whisper, their breath tickling his ear. “It’s a secret!” 

“Fine,” Levi muttered with a sigh. “But be back soon or I’ll leave you here.”

Hange beamed at him, kissed his cheek and, before he could protest, slipped into the crowd.

⋆⁺₊❅.

His errand quickly taken care of, Levi decided to wait for Hange by a lamppost adorned with garlands next to the candy shop.

Scattered snowflakes drifted lazily in the cold air, delicately dusting his nose and eyelashes. With the sweet scent of roasted chestnuts wafting from a stall nearby or the distant echo of Christmas carols, the holiday cheer was slowly taking over him, more than he cared to admit.

He let his eyes wander over the busy street for a while.

A young boy bundled in a thick coat tugged at his grandfather’s sleeve, pointing excitedly at a toy shop, his big blue eyes full of dreams.

A few steps away, a couple was sitting close together on a bench, sharing a red scarf and laughing softly, their cheeks flushed from the cold or from something else, Levi couldn't tell.

He fished his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans as soon as it buzzed with a call from his best friend.

Erwin: Hey Levi! How’s your weekend so far? Are you busy?

Levi: Trapped in Hange’s holiday frenzy. Shitty snow everywhere. Fucking crowded. Your boy-scout’s ass would probably love it

Erwin: So, gift shopping it is?

Levi huffed, glancing down the street where Hange had disappeared.

Levi: Dragged me around town all afternoon, then sent me to buy some fucking treats

He snorted.

Levi: Got diabetes just looking at those by the way

Erwin: Come on Levi! Don’t pretend to be pissed, we both know you’re exactly where you want to be!

Levi rolled his eyes. He could hear the smirk in his friend’s tone but decided to ignore it.

Levi: They're plotting something. Probably buying more junk as we speak

Erwin chuckled.

Erwin: Be nice every once in a while, I promise it won’t kill you

Levi: If “nice” means standing around in the cold carrying a shitton of paper bags like a pack mule, I’d rather not be

Erwin: Never took you for a drama queen before

Levi clicked his tongue.

Levi: Drama queen huh? Well now, all I know is that I’m freezing my ass off waiting for them to finish whatever shit they’re up to

Erwin: Same old story for years. Let me guess -you didn’t want to go out, Hange insisted, and you gave in

Levi: Easier than arguing. You know how fucking stubborn they can be

His voice softened imperceptibly.

Levi: Besides, it’s just a few gifts. And candy.

Erwin: You’ll never admit it but you’re a softie, Levi

Levi: Just…shut the fuck up, dumbass

Erwin: All right, all right! See you tomorrow at the gym then?

Levi: Yeah, see you tomorrow

Sliding his phone back into his pocket, Levi adjusted his scarf and scanned the crowd again.

His fingers clutched at the bag holding the sweetmeats, and the corners of his lips twitched upward when the thought of Hange’s happy grin crossed his mind.

He glanced down the street again, finally spotting Hange weaving through the crowd, a red bag in their hand.

“What took you so long?” he asked gruffly as they finally joined him.

Hange plucked the bag of candy from him with a wink but didn’t reply.

“Thanks, Levi. These are gonna be perfect for our Hallmark movie night.”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go before you get any more stupid ideas,” he muttered, falling into step beside them.

Hange looped their arm through his, chattering away about the movies they had already picked for later.

⋆⁺₊❅.

The cold bit at their cheeks as they strolled through the snowy streets, their breath fogging in the crisp air. Twinkling lights lined the rooftops and shop windows, reflecting off the icy sidewalks.

Hange clung to Levi, their boots crunching in the snow. They had forgotten their mittens back home -again- but they were bundled in their usual chaotic style -layers upon layers of mismatched clothes topped with an absurdly fluffy, reindeer-themed hat. Its floppy antlers bobbed with every enthusiastic step.

He gave their head a flat look and tugged at the ear flaps. “That crap on your head looks ridiculous.”

“You mean ridiculously warm!” Hange replied with enthusiasm. “You’re just jealous you don’t have one.”

“Over my dead body,” he deadpanned.

Hange laughed, a boisterous, cheerful sound that always stirred something warm in his chest.

His gloved hand tightened slightly around theirs, his fingers curling to shield them from the cold, his thumb brushing the ring on their finger.

“Do you think Moblit will like the sketchbook? The leather cover is so beautiful.”

“It’ll suit him,” Levi said. His tone was flat, but Hange caught the faint note of approval.

“I can’t wait to hang the ornament we picked! It’s so pretty!”

“Should stop swinging your shopping bags then for fuck’s sake, Four-Eyes. Y’gonna break it before it even makes it to the tree.”

“Ok, I'll stop, I promise, Shorty!”

They turned their face toward the glowing shop windows, cheeks and nose pink from the cold. They beamed as they took in the festive decor.

“Isn’t this the best time of year? Just look at all these lights, Levi!”

He grunted but his pace slowed to keep in step with them.

“Not bad,” he conceded.

⋆⁺₊❅.

They strolled at a leisurely pace, Hange darting from one shop window to the next, their excitement bubbling over in a string of delighted “ohs” and “ahs.” Every so often, they dragged Levi along, pointing out the displays -a miniature train circling a snowy village or dolls and plushies all dressed up for a tea party.

Levi followed, his usual grumbles shushed by their enthusiasm.

When Hange stopped in front of a window, he paused, letting them press their nose on the glass. Inside, a collection of elegant scarves and gloves were neatly arranged, one catching their attention.

“Do you think Nanaba would wear this?” Hange mused, their breath fogging up the glass. “She loves practical gifts, but this one is also stylish.”

Levi didn’t answer immediately. Instead, his gaze lingered on them -the way the soft lights danced across their face, the way the sparkle of excitement lit up their eyes. And for some reason, their ridiculous hat somehow made them look endearingly cute.

He felt something swell in his chest, a comforting warmth pushing aside the winter chill.

Hange turned abruptly, catching his gaze. They smiled, wide and unguarded. “What?”

“Nothing,” he muttered, his hand tightening slightly around theirs.

Their grin grew, but they didn’t press him further, their fingers squeezing his back.

Hange leaned in suddenly and pressed a quick, warm kiss to Levi’s cheek, the chill of the night momentarily pushed further aside.

Levi froze, his ears turning faintly pink beneath the streetlights.

“Tch. What’s that for?” he groaned, shooting them a sideway glance.

“For being adorable,” Hange teased.

“I’m not-” he started, but the words caught in his throat as Hange squeezed his hand and kissed him briefly on the lips this time, their laughter ringing softly in the frosty air.

He sighed, shaking his head, but his lips twitched ever so slightly. The warmth from their kiss lingered, spreading through his chest.

“Come on,” he said, his voice softening. “Gotta walk or we’ll freeze to death.”

Hange laughed again, their breath clouding between them, and let Levi tug them away from the window.

“I hope Erwin’s going to like the book,” Hange said. “He always had a soft spot for poetry.”

“He’d better,” Levi muttered. “You spent twenty minutes debating between that and the essay about war strategy.”

“It was a tough choice!” Hange defended, their voice rising in mock indignation. “You can’t rush picking a gift for a friend, Levi.”

“Pretty sure he’ll just squeeze it in his shelf,” Levi shot back, but there was no bite to his words.

Hange laughed, turning to face him as they walked backward, gesturing animatedly. “You’re so-”

Their words cut off abruptly as their foot caught a patch of hidden ice. They yelped, arms flailing, but before they could hit the ground, Levi moved instinctively, catching them in one swift motion.

“Hange-” Levi uttered in a breath as he steadied them against his chest, his arms wrapping protectively around their waist.

For a moment, Hange had frozen, their hand clutching at their coat near the middle of their body as they regained their balance. Their face had paled slightly, but they quickly managed a shaky laugh, brushing it off. “That was close.”

Levi’s brows furrowed with concern as he studied their face.

“I’m fine,” Hange said quickly, their voice a little too light as they straightened up. A faint, sheepish smile crossed their lips, but their usual energy seemed slightly subdued. “Guess I got distracted.”

Levi didn’t look convinced. His grip lingered for a bit longer, his concerned gaze flicking over them before he finally let go.

“Watch where you’re stepping next time, idiot,” he scolded, though his voice lacked its usual sharpness.

Hange gave a small nod, glancing away as if to gather themself. Levi’s focus shifted briefly, catching the warm glow spilling out from a nearby window.

“Look,” he said quietly, gesturing with a tilt of his head.

Hange turned, realizing they were standing directly in front of the café where their first date had taken place. Its golden light spilled out onto the snow-covered street, just as inviting as it had been back then.

“You think they still have those weird drinks on the menu?”

Hange’s eyes lit up. “You mean the one with cinnamon and hot peppers? I’m still convinced it was a prank to be honest.”

Hange laughed, their breath misting in the cold air. “Well, I’m freezing and I’m sure you too. Since we’re here, might as well go inside.”

⋆⁺₊❅.

The door jingled as they entered, welcomed by the cheerful chatter and the clink of cups. The warmth of the café enveloped them instantly. It was crowded, but not enough to stop Hange from spotting their old table near the window.

Without hesitation, they started weaving through the maze of chairs and patrons. “I call dibs on the table!”

“Wait, there are still cups on it-” Levi tried to protest.

But Hange was already sliding into the booth, grinning as they sat down. “It’s the same table, Levi. We have to sit here.”

Levi frowned, glancing at the mess of empty cups and stained napkins left by the previous customers. “Really? Looks like it’s been hit by a tornado.”

“Don’t be such a grump.” Hange grinned, shoving their paper bags under the table. “Come on, it’s the perfect spot. It’s nostalgic!”

Levi sighed, but despite his grumbling, he sat down on the chair across from them.

“Nostalgic my ass.”

Levi got rid of his coat and scarf, folding them in a neat pile beside Hange.

His eye twitched as he looked at the scattered cups, their contents long gone but the mess still there. He let out a heavy sigh and immediately started to gather the dirty cups, sliding them to the side.

“Levi, seriously? It’s not like anyone cares,” Hange said, watching him with an amused grin as he stacked the cups into a pile.

“Well, I care,” he muttered, flicking a napkin out of the way. He wrinkled his nose. “It’s disgusting.”

Hange leaned back in their seat, watching the subtle twitch of Levi’s fingers as he rearranged everything to his liking. “You’re the only person I know who would willingly clean up after strangers in a café.”

“I’m not cleaning,” he grumbled. “Just... organizing.”

Before he could finish, the waitress arrived, smiling brightly as she swept the mess away effortlessly. “I’ll get these for you,” she said, flashing them a warm look.

Levi barely glanced up, his face already in its signature scowl. “Fucking finally,” he groaned under his breath.

The waitress wiped the table down, handing them menus with a cheerful “Here you go!” before turning to leave.

Hange chuckled. “You’re such a clean freak, you know.”

“Obviously not, since I live with a slob,” Levi muttered. “Just didn’t want to sit at a garbage dump.”

Hange tugged off their ridiculous hat, letting out a satisfied sigh. But when they ran a hand through their hair, Levi couldn't help but snort.

“Now your hair looks even worse than your hat,” he muttered, leaning back in his seat.

Hange chuckled. “Hey, no need to be so mean.”

Levi just clicked his tongue in response, casting an unimpressed glance at the wild mass of hair.

Hange raised an eyebrow. “What, you don’t think it’s cute?”

Levi didn’t answer, but he stood abruptly, pushing his chair back with a scrape. Unexpectedly, he leaned over the table, reaching for their hair. With soft, careful gestures, he began to smooth out the tangles, his fingers gently carding through the tousled locks.

Hange blinked in surprise at the unusual display, but as Levi’s focused expression softened, a real smile spread across their face -genuine and bright, something that lit up their eyes.

Levi’s nose and cheeks were flushed, his ears red from the cold -though Hange couldn’t help but hope the icy weather was not the only cause. They felt a wave of affection surge through them, their heart beating a little faster as they watched him.

“You’re cute, you know that?” Hange said softly, barely a whisper, as they let their smile widen.

Levi, completely unaware of the adoration in their gaze, mumbled something that sounded like a protest but didn’t pull away.

Just as he tucked a strand of hair behind Hange’s ear, the waitress came back to their table with a bright smile.

 “Well, aren’t you two the cutest lovebirds,” she said, teasing, as she set a small notepad down the table.

Hange giggled at the nickname.

“Lovebirds? How sweet!” they cooed, their face lighting up.

Levi, on the other hand, was clearly annoyed.

“Lovebirds? What the hell?” He grumbled under his breath. “What are we, spotty teens?”

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t mea-,” the waitress started.

Hange kicked Levi’s ankle under the table and smiled brightly at the waitress. “Don’t mind Mr. Grumpy Pants,” they said with a chuckle. “He's a decent little dude once you get to know him.”

Levi let out an exaggerated sigh, but Hange could see the faintest hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

The waitress scribbled down their orders. “I’ll be right back with your drinks.”

As she turned and walked away, Hange and Levi locked eyes, reaching out over the table to intertwine their fingers.

It seemed it had been ages since their first date. Yet, in this very moment, in this very place, everything just felt the same as it had that day.

The golden warmth of the fall afternoon sun bathed the café in a welcoming atmosphere. Outside, the air was crisp, with a faint chill that only seemed to make the cozy place more enjoyable.

Levi had been sitting at a small table by the window for a while now, his expression unreadable, but his gaze soft as he stared outside.

Along the street, beeches and pin oaks were shedding their leaves, fiery reds, oranges, and yellows drifting down in the cold wind to the sidewalk below. A few passers-by, wrapped in their jackets, occasionally paused to admire the beautiful display of fall colors. Levi’s eyes briefly lingered on them in the same detached way he observed everything around him.

Only a few customers were scattered throughout the quiet café. The smell of freshly brewed coffee and warm pastries wafted to him from time to time.

Levi looked effortlessly handsome, in his simple but elegant outfit, his well-cut jacket fitting him just right.

He glanced at his watch for the third time since he arrived and sighed.

He leaned back in his seat and grabbed the menu, his gaze momentarily shifting to the words printed on it. He wasn’t hungry, not really, but the menu offered a distraction while he waited.

As he scanned the list, he remained blissfully unaware of the admiring glances exchanged between the waitress and the cashier girl, both of them casting furtive looks at him from behind the counter.

The café’s door swung open in a burst. Levi jolted in his seat, startled by the sudden ringing of the bell, and his eyes immediately shot up from the menu.

Hange.

A gust of cold air followed them as they stepped in with sparkling energy. A whirlwind.

Their messy hair fluffed by the wind and a wide smile on their lively face, they bounced into the café and scanned the room with excitement.

The waitress and cashier exchanged a quick, amused glance before giggling softly, their eyes trailing over Hange’s disheveled state.

Levi, however, frowned as he watched them, his eyes narrowing at the sight of Hange’s hair sticking out in every direction.

As Hange spotted Levi at the table and waved at him, their smile widening, the girls’ mouths dropped open in surprise.

Their eyes flicked between the two of them, slowly realizing that this was the person Levi had been waiting for. It hit them both at once, their expressions shifting from curiosity to astonishment as they witnessed the connection between Levi, who seemed so quiet and composed, and the exuberant person now making their way toward him.

Hange almost tripped over their own feet as they made their way to Levi’s table, narrowly catching themself before they stumbled. They plopped down dramatically into the seat across from him, speaking loudly as though the entire café needed to hear.

"Sorry I’m late! The wind’s insane today," Hange said in an animated tone.

Levi didn’t reply immediately, but a hint of disapproval flickered in his eyes as he took in their unkempt state, spotting leaves stuck in their wild hair, a tangled mess of autumn colors.

Completely oblivious to their own disarray -and to Levi’s softening gaze- Hange reached into their pocket, pulling out a heart-shaped golden leaf and holding it out to Levi with a grin.

“For you!”

Levi took the leaf, his expression neutral.

“You’re a mess,” he muttered, “and you’re late.”

"So sorry to be late but those leaves are so pretty! I had to find the perfect one for you! You see, the heart shape? This is basically nature’s way of blessing our date.”

Levi looked down at the leaf in his hand, then back up at Hange, his lips twitching ever so slightly as if he held back a smile.

The waitress joined them as he thanked Hange for their unusual gift.

Hange leaned forward to make their order. “I’ll have the pumpkin chai latte, with extra sugar and extra whipped cream, and, oh! Do you have any sprinkles?”

They looked at the waitress with wide, sparkling eyes.

Levi didn’t even blink as he ordered, “Black tea. No sugar.”

Hange raised an eyebrow. “Seriously? You're just gonna drink... sadness in a cup?”

Levi glanced at them, trying his best to suppress the slight irritation creeping into his voice. “Says the one ordering dessert instead of coffee.”

“Oh, come on! It's fall! It’s a vibe!" Hange insisted, grinning. "What’s better in life than whipped cream and sprinkles?”

Levi scoffed, shaking his head. “Not getting diabetes every time you drink coffee?”

“Just let me enjoy my dose of comfort while you sip your bland, depressing beverage,” Hange teased.

Their drinks arrived shortly and Hange started to tell one of their passionate stories, waving their arms dramatically. “Okay, so the other day I was reading this book about quantum physics and-”

Levi listened quietly, drinking in their animated features as he took a careful sip of his hot tea.

“-it’s fascinating!” Hange continued, oblivious to his lingering gaze. “So, what if we could shift our density to one similar to gas and phase through walls?”

Levi rolled his eyes. ”Who the hell would care about something that useless?”

Hange grinned widely. “Well, I find it fascinating. And fun! What about you, huh? What’s your idea of fun?”

“I don’t know… Cleaning, maybe…”

Hange chuckled, but before they could reply, Levi reached across the table, his fingers brushing through their tousled hair. “Got a leaf in your hair,” he whispered.

He gently pulled the golden leaf from the mess of hair, his touch surprisingly delicate, as though he had done this a hundred times before.

Hange froze, blinking up at him, caught off guard by the sudden attention. Their heartbeat quickened. He had never been so close to them, and this all felt somewhat… intimate.

Totally unaware of the effect his small gesture had, Levi sat back to sip his tea.

A blush crept up their neck, but before overthinking Levi’s gesture, they cleared their throat and went back to their story, gesturing wildly as if nothing had happened.

“So, yeah, imagine if we could just phase through walls! The possibilities would be endless!”

Eager to return to their usual chatter, Hange went on blabbering about physics with animated gestures until their hand, in the middle of their rambling, swept across the table, knocking their pumpkin chai latte off.

The drink toppled over, splashing onto the table and spilling across Hange’s sleeve.

“Oh, crap!” Hange grabbed a napkin and immediately started scrambling to clean up the mess, though all they were really doing was spreading the stain.

Levi sighed, pushing his tea aside, then reached into his pocket for his neatly folded handkerchief. Without a word, he slid it across the table toward them.

Hange looked at the handkerchief before meeting Levi’s eyes with a sheepish grin.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, Levi, I swear I’m not usually this clumsy-"

Clearly not convinced, Levi raised an eyebrow.

“And I don't want to ruin your handkerchief.”

“Don’t bother. You’ll probably spill something else on it anyway,” he deadpanned.

Hange chuckled nervously. "Fair enough… I’ll wash it and return it, of course."

Levi leaned back in his chair as Hange wiped their sleeve, and his gaze briefly drifted out of the window, his fingers tracing lightly the rim of his cup. He thought of Erwin, who had been so sure he would get along with Hange.

"Seriously, Levi," Erwin had said a week ago, when Levi hesitated, "I can tell you two are going to hit it off. Just say yes to the invite. You’ll be glad you did."

Levi had been annoyed by the unsolicited advice at the time, but now, as he looked at Hange across from him, he told himself that maybe… Well, maybe Erwin had been right.

His hand brushed against Hange’s briefly as they both reached for the napkins at the same time. A small spark of warmth radiated from the touch.

He glanced over at Hange, still too caught up in cleaning the last traces of whipped cream from their earlier mishap. Levi would probably never admit it aloud, but Erwin was right. He was glad he had said yes.

The conversation resumed, Hange trying to act like they weren't mortified over the spill.

When the waitress returned to clean the table, she winked at the cashier girl who stood by the counter, both of them exchanging a knowing look before focusing on their task.

They had noticed the soft way Levi and Hange’s eyes lingered on each other, the small, unspoken moments that they weren’t quite aware of -the way Levi’s hand brushed Hange’s, how Hange’s smile widened when their eyes met.

It was obvious that something was shifting between the two.

The waitress quickly cleared the last of the napkins and mugs, trying to remain professional, but a small, amused smile tugged at the corners of her lips.

When she reached the counter, the cashier girl leaned over, still watching the couple from afar. “Something’s going on, huh?” she murmured.

The waitress shook her head with a chuckle. “They don’t even know it yet.”

Hange pushed their chair back abruptly, their usual whirlwind energy somewhat coming back. “Let’s go for a walk,” they proposed, tugging at their coat. “I know a park nearby.”

“Ok,” he muttered, rising to go and pay the check.

Levi soon reached the counter and handed over the cash, his eyes drifting toward Hange as the cashier counted out his change. They were near the door, fumbling with their scarf as it caught awkwardly in their coat. However, their smile, bright and unbothered, lit up their face.

He turned away, walking a few paces to the side to slip his wallet back into his pocket.

His fingers brushed the soft edges of the leaf Hange had given him earlier. The absurdity of it -a heart-shaped leaf, of all things, really?- should have annoyed him. But instead, he felt an unfamiliar warmth bloom in his chest.

“They’re cute together,” the cashier whispered as he put on his gloves.

“Definitely mismatched,” the waitress murmured, lowering her voice. “But, somehow, it works. He’s all gruff and serious and handsome; and they’re... well...”

Levi caught enough of their comments to make his brow twitch.

The waitress smirked. “Maybe he has a thing for chaos.”

“The way he’s watching them?” the cashier continued,”Bet he doesn’t even realize he’s totally smitten.”

The word made Levi’s jaw tighten. He wrapped his scarf around his neck and turned abruptly toward the door.

He muttered something under his breath as he walked across the café, his ears burning faintly.

Hange had finally managed to get their coat on and grinned up at him, oblivious to the way he was still recovering from the girls’ words.

“All set?” they asked cheerfully, entirely unaware of his internal turmoil.

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Levi pushed the door open for them, the sound of the two girls’ muffled giggles following them as they stepped outside.

⋆⁺₊❅.

The brisk air was refreshing. As soon as they entered the quiet park, Hange veered off the path, scanning the ground. They crouched to pick up a golden leaf, then another, holding them up to study their shape and texture.

Levi watched them from a step behind, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. The cold wind didn’t bother him when a faint warmth crept up his neck as he observed their overwhelming, almost childish enthusiasm. It was chaotic, messy, yet oddly endearing.

They reached a small pond and Hange stopped, gazing at their reflection in the water with an unusual frown.

“I’m terrible at this,” they said suddenly, breaking the silence. “Dating, I mean. I’m... too much. People don’t usually stick around.”

Levi stopped beside them, glancing at their solemn expression before speaking in a gentle tone. “Maybe you just haven’t met someone who can handle it.”

Hange’s head turned toward him.

They locked eyes and silence hung in the air between them for a while.

Then, a mischievous smile curled on their lips. “Handle it, huh? Are you volunteering for the job?”

Their eyelashes fluttered playfully.

Levi rolled his eyes, but his faint smirk betrayed him. “Tch. Don’t read too much into it.”

They continued walking along the park path, the autumn leaves crunching softly under their feet. Hange slowed every so often to examine a particular leaf or to show him the different species of trees, rambling enthusiastically about them.

Levi followed silently, his hands tucked into his pockets, his gaze never leaving Hange.

They passed a vendor selling small trinkets and plush toys. Among them, a chubby titan plush caught Hange’s eye, and they froze.

“Levi!” they gasped, pointing at it with childlike excitement. “Look at this cutie! I need it.”

“A plushie, really? What are you, five?” Levi deadpanned

He glanced at the stuffed toy. Of course, it was ridiculously huge. However, he thought, he hadn’t brought flowers to his date after all. So, he couldn’t do otherwise than oblige now, could he?

When he handed the plush to a beaming Hange, they hugged it like it was the most precious treasure in the world.

“This will go perfectly with my collection!” Hange exclaimed.

Levi raised an eyebrow. “Collection of what? Ugly monsters?”

“Hey! It’s cute,” they protested, holding the plush protectively. “And you got it for me, which makes it extra special.”

Levi scoffed but glanced away, embarrassed by the warmth creeping up his cheeks.

He cleared his throat before speaking again. “We should go, it’s getting dark out here.”

They crossed the park at a leisurely pace.

“You know, when I told Eyebrows I was asking you out, he gave me this weird smirk, like he’d predicted it or something,” Hange blurted out after a while.

Levi side-eyed them, hands fidgeting in his pockets. “Sounds like him.”

“Actually, he told me, ‘Levi would enjoy your company more than he lets on.’ I think he oversold it.”

Levi chuckled.

“Did he bribe you to say yes?” Hange asked.

“All he said was that you were tolerable,” Levi replied with a smirk, his tone deadpan. “He left out the part where you’d try to drown the table in chai latte.”

“So he did scheme!” Hange exclaimed. “I knew it! Not that I’m complaining though…”

Levi glanced sideways at them again, noticing the faint flush on their cheeks.

They had reached the edge of the park when Hange stopped suddenly at the corner where they had to part ways.

“Thanks for walking me,” Hange said. “I’m this way.”

They gestured toward their street, their hand lingering mid-air as if unsure whether to wave or stay still.

Levi shifted his weight, smoothing down the golden leaf still tucked in his pocket.

 “You’d probably have tripped and stumbled in the mud otherwise.”

Hange laughed, their voice warm. “Sounds like something I could do, yeah.”

The street felt quiet for a moment. Hange looked at Levi, their usual confidence shifting into something hesitant, almost shy.

“Well…” They tilted their head, a small, nervous smile forming.

Before Levi could think it through, his hand moved, reaching out to brush a stray strand of hair away from their forehead. The gesture was brief but tender, catching Hange off guard. Their eyes widened slightly, their cheeks warming as they stood frozen for a second.

Levi pulled his hand back, his expression unreadable except for the faintest hint of something soft in his gaze. “Your hair’s a fucking mess, Four-Eyes.”

The tension just vanished and they both laughed softly.

As Levi was about to turn to leave, Hange surprised him, leaning in and brushing the lightest, most hesitant kiss against his cheek.

“Thanks for today,” they said quietly, stepping back before Levi could reply.

Levi stared at them, momentarily at a loss for words.

His face burned, whether from the cold or something else entirely, he couldn’t say.

“Just don’t be late next time,” he replied, walking away before Hange could see the faint smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

Hange watched him go before turning and heading home, their smile never fading.

Levi and Hange were lost in their own small world at the corner table, the humming of conversations and the occasional clink of porcelain blurred in the background. Steam curled up from their drinks, warming their cold hands and flushing their cheeks.

Hange took a generous sip of their overly sweet concoction and sighed contentedly.

“This really takes me back,” they said, their voice tinged with nostalgia. “It feels like nothing’s changed here.”

Levi hummed quietly in agreement, his black tea cooling in front of him. His eyes drifted to Hange’s hand resting on the table, fingers drumming absently against the wood. Without thinking, his own hand shifted closer, brushing against theirs in a fleeting touch.

Hange glanced up, surprised by the uncharacteristic gesture, but Levi kept his gaze fixed on his cup. “I still have it, you know,” he confessed, his voice low, almost reluctant.

“Have what?” Hange tilted their head, their curiosity piqued.

“The leaf,” Levi said simply, his thumb lightly grazing over Hange’s knuckles now. “The one you gave me that day. Pressed it in a book.” He paused, feeling the heat rise to his face. “Still there.”

Hange blinked, their expression softening into something unmistakably tender. “You’re kidding.”

“Do I look like I’m joking?” Levi grumbled, finally meeting their gaze.

Hange’s face broke into a radiant smile, one that made Levi’s chest tighten in that familiar, inexplicable way. “Levi Ackerman, you always surprise me,” they teased.

“Tch. Don’t get used to it,” he deadpanned. However, he didn’t pull his hand away, his thumb slightly brushing their ring instead.

Hange hesitated, their fingers curling around the edge of their mug as they shifted slightly in their seat. Their eyes flickered between Levi’s face and the steam rising from their drink before finally settling on the view outside the window..

“That first date. I still think about it often.”

Levi watched them quietly, his brow furrowing slightly at their uncharacteristic hesitation. “You do?” he asked softly, as though he wasn’t sure if he should press.

Hange nodded, their gaze dropping for a moment before they bit their lip, a faint smile playing at the corners of their mouth.

“Yeah. Especially…” Their voice trailed off as they glanced again toward the window to watch the soft snow falling outside. “The plushie you got me.”

Levi’s lips tugged upward as he thought about the ugly stuffed toy sitting in Hange’s office. “Don’t know why you’ve kept that thing all this time.”

“It’s sentimental,” they add in a whisper. “You got it for me and I love it.”

They fell silent, the weight of their words hanging in the air for a while.

Levi gently squeezed their hand and their eyes met.

Then suddenly, as though deciding something, Hange leaned down, fumbling among the paper bags resting by their feet. They picked up the red one, their fingers tightening on the handles as they placed it on the table in front of Levi.

He blinked at the bag, then at Hange, who was now watching him with a nervous expression.

“What’s this?” he asked, narrowing his eyes slightly.

“I was going to wait until Christmas,” Hange began quickly, their words tumbling over one another. “But this… this just feels like the right moment.”

Levi raised a skeptical eyebrow but pulled the bag toward him, carefully lifting out the contents. His movements stilled when he realized what it was: a soft, absurdly detailed titan onesie.

For a moment, Levi said nothing, simply staring at the tiny outfit in his hands. His thumb brushed over the fabric, lingering on the little details -the ridiculous hood, the tiny mittens. Then his eyes flicked up to meet Hange’s.

Their heart pounded as they studied his face for any reaction, their own nerves fraying with each passing second. “It’s, uh, a little… symbolic,” they started, biting their lip again.

His lips parted slightly, and for a fleeting second, Hange swore they saw a flicker of emotion in his usually composed expression. 

He cleared his throat.

“You… You’re serious?” he asked, almost breathless.

Hange simply nodded, their nervous smile giving way to something warmer, more certain.

Levi’s gaze dropped back to the onesie in his hands. He clicked his tongue, but the corners of his mouth turned upward, the faintest hint of a smile breaking through.

“A titan onesie. Of course you had to make it weird, Four-Eyes.”

Hange laughed, their shoulders relaxing as relief and joy washed over them. “Would you expect anything less from me?”

Levi didn’t answer, but smiled instead, his eyes still on the onesie as his fingers brushed over it again, this time more gently.

The room was quiet, save for the soft ticking of the clock on the bedside table. The flickering glow of the street lights peeked through a crack in the curtain, painting patterns and shadows on the walls.

Levi lay behind Hange, his arm draped protectively over their side. They were sound asleep, their breathing slow and even, their hair a messy halo over the pillow.

He could feel the gentle rise and fall of their chest beneath his arm, a steady rhythm that usually lulled him to sleep.

But tonight Levi’s eyes remained open, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. His mind raced with a muddle of thoughts he couldn’t quite organize.

A dad. He was going to be a dad.

The thought alone sent an odd mix of feelings coursing through him -anticipation, fear, uncertainty. What the hell did he know about being a father? Could he even do this?

His chest tightened, but before the doubts could spiral further, he shifted closer to Hange, burying his nose in the crook of their neck. The faint earthy scent of their skin and the warmth of their body slowly shushed his anxious thoughts.

His hand brushed gently over their belly. He let out a quiet breath, and started to whisper in the dark as if the baby could somehow hear him.

“Oi, brat. Hope you get the color of their eyes. Or their brains. Or maybe their enthusiasm, I don’t fucking know…. Whatever, you’ll be amazing like them anyway.” He chuckled. “Don’t tell them or Four-Eyes will never let me hear the end of it.”

He pressed a kiss to the back of Hange’s neck, soft and lingering.

“Don’t know how that works but I’ll do my best. We’ll do our best. And I’ll love you just as much as I love them. I promise.”

As he kissed their warm skin again, Hange stirred faintly, letting out a quiet sigh before settling back into sleep. Levi closed his eyes, letting their presence soothe him.

For now, he would let the worry go.

For now, he would just hold them and cherish this moment.

All graphics by me

🎀❤️ REBLOGS APPRECIATED ❤️🎀

The titan plushie & onesie are a reference to THIS ADORABLE FANART

[alipeeps]

Episode 28

OMG he is such a git! I'm love him!

Oh damn Li Lun somehow got there before them?

Your "old friend" eh? Well Wen Zongyu's definitely not going to want Princess Longyu to give Li Lun a dragon scale... cos he's counting on that poison to force Li Lun to submit to him.

Meng Xuan? Is that Wen Zongyu then? Did he go by a different name?

Oh dang, so they are blackmailing *her* to get Zhu Yan's inner core now? Jfc.

Just what DOES Wen Zongyu want the ever-burning wood for that he is willing to go to such lengths?

Uhhhh that might not be a story though?

Hahahaaaa Zhao Yuanzhou loves teasing people with flirty comments but when someone does it back to him?

Ohhh what the fuck there's a sick (pregnant?) wife and baby in Wen Zongyu's past? And he was cosying up to Princess Longyu to get a scale to heal/revive wifey? And is that what he's still trying to do with his demon experiments and his obsession with the ever-burning wood?

Ohhh so Meng Xuan was his.. apprentice? And he used his name when seducing Princess Longyu.

And... Wen Xiao's dad also called Wen Zongyu his senior? Did he also work for him?

Whyyy though would she still care to know what "Meng Xuan" wrote to her? She hated him and tried to kill him.

Oooh that's the first time I've noticed less than stellar sound production in this show. Loud atmospheric sounds of the waterfall etc and then abruptly dropped to muffled as soon as it switched to close up for a conversation.

So Zhao Yuanzhou may have promised Zhuo Yuanzhou to stop seeking death... but he's still more than willing to offer his death as a solution to any given problem.

Ugh my heart.

Oh dang, that sounds awfully familiar!!

(Although, guys, guys? Do you mind if I just maybe point out something very important that you don't seem to be considering? Zhao Yuanzhou's willingness to die for the cause aside... why has it not occurred to you to wonder what exactly Wen Zongyu wants Zhao Yuanzhou's inner core/the ever-burning wood for? Cos the answer to that question may make it imperative that he NOT get it - for any reason!!

Oh dang.

Oh fuuuuuck.... my heart....

Oh shit, once Zhuo Yichen makes up his mind, that's it. Our boy is ride or die for the Great Demon.

Seriously? They're gonna fight over this? Fall out over this?

Don't you fucking do it Zhao Yuanzhou!!

Pleeeeeease tell me this is all a clever ploy?

(I'd love for it to turn out that that whole argument about the inner core was acted out for the benefit of Chongwu camp spies, to fool them into thinking the core the Princess will bring them is real)

SO WHY GO TO ALL THAT FUCKING TROUBLE TO GET IT?!!!

Ahahahaaaa it was a set up (I sure hope that means the inner core is fake)

AHA!! I did wonder why it looked like Wen Xiao held something up but it didn't show what it was!!

Hahahaaa. Hao de.

He didn't see the fucking message and didn't know they were acting!

Mind you... to be fair to him, if he didn't know they were acting then he was the only one who didn't know Zhao Yuanzhou was fucking faking removing his inner core and sacrificing himself!!

He's sooo embarrassed cos he outright expressed his care for Zhao Yuanzhou in front of everyone...

Such fucking fondness in the way Zhao Yuanzhou looks at him!!

Oh nice girl, get your revenge...

Oh shiiitt... the way Zhao Yuanzhou reaches to comfort Wen Xiao as Princess Longyu explains that giving away her reverse scale will cause her clan to die.

Is he immune to the poison because of the demon blood experiments he's been doing all these years?

Ahhh shit he was expecting a trick and had the fake skin on so the poison never touched his skin.

I know it's not exactly honorable etc, but really guys... instead of just hanging out upstairs listening to shit go down you COULD just fucking put a few arrows in Wen Zongyu and remove his as a threat for good?

Aaaaand that's what's behind his hatred of demons and his plan to kill them all. And I am guessing that plan is what he needs the ever-burning wood for.

Dumbass

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hand-holding!!

Fuuuuck these kinds of conversations about inevitable endings do NOT bode well for the ending!!

And here's where I think the translation is a bit lacking. They keep translating it as "Don't be afraid." But what he's actually saying is "Bu yong pa". There is no use in being afraid. Which to me is not quite the same thing.

"Don't be afraid" means "Hey, don't worry/no need to worry, it'll be fine." It's reassuring.

"There is no use is being afraid" means "It's pointless being afraid, your fear serves no purpose. Things will happen the way they will regardless of your fear." It's fatalistic rather than reassuring.

Okaaaay so they are still teasing that without giving us the answer...

You FUCKERS!! WAs that a goddamn actual kiss, shown only in blurred focus from a distance?!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Well, I was gonna say there IS a fucking rush cos a) you need to save Bai Jiu and b) fucking Ao YIn is planning to steal it from you...

But to be fair Zhao Yuanzhou's got the right idea... they don't even know how to repair the damn sword...

Ying Lei is such a fucking dumbass.

"Then nothing can go wrong" Well jfc that's just tempting fate. Famous last words if ever I heard em.

Oh god pleeeease, do I really need to remind you, Ying Lei, that Ao Yin is a shapeshifter?!

(Also didn't you tag them with powder that you claimed you can use to track and identify them?)

Oh good, you're not all that stupid.

But seriously you knew Ao Yin would come for it, why would you leave only one person guarding it? And not even your strongest person at that. This is just dumb folks...

Oh? Where the fuck has this come from?

Uuuuhhh did Zhao Yuanzhou intend to let Li Lun have the dragon scale?

Or...

As I suspected!! It's not even in the box! So what is he up to? He suggested they wait to repair the sword and then he removed the scale from the box and sealed the box with a spell he knew Li Lun could break and left it guarded by only one person....

[edgessunflower]

Can I request a poly! Judgement Day x reader with the prompts "I think something just touched my foot!" and "It's me!" as they're all watching a scary movie and the light goes out.

Oooh

In the dark chaos

Pairing: Judgement Day x Fem reader

Description: While watching horror movies the power goes out leading to chaos between you and your partners

The night is filled with jokes, laughs, some yells and screams, and jumping from the horror movies you and your partners were marathoning for the night in honor of the start of October and as a way to spend time together while off from wrestling for a few days. The five of you started off with IT followed by Sleepaway camp, Friday the 13th, Insidious, Nightmare on elm street, Evil Dead, and had just finished Final Destination when you all started The conjuring laughing at Finn yelling and jumping within the first twenty minutes before all of you slightly jumping from a cut until suddenly everything went dark leading to all of you yelling in fear "Damnit the power's out!" you stay still on the couch hearing Damian get up to go check the breaker and the backup power generator mainly used for the winter and bad storms as you sit between Dom and Rhea as you try to look around but having no luck with seeing anything at all "Guys can any of you see anything?" you jump and yell in fear when something touches and grabs your arm making you fall on the floor "AAAH something grabbed me!" you feel around before pulling back up on the couch "That was me love sorry!" you smack finn landing on his face making rhea laugh as you lay your head on dom's chest while sitting in his and rhea's lap waiting on damian. You hear footsteps as you move from rhea's lap to dom's before jumping at the keys falling off the counter leading to you and dom hiding behind the couch after jumping in fear "Something grabbed my damn foot!" you hear a smack and a stream of curses "That was me dumbass!" suddenly thunder poured making you scream behind the couch while everyone jumped and yell hugging dom as tears flowed down your face "Hey it's okay mi bebita you're safe" you quietly cry against dom as you shake from more loud thunder until suddenly the lights finally came on "Back on guys" damian comes back upstairs only to find a paranoid finn next to the sink, an anxious rhea, a terrified dom behind the couch, and you wrapped in his arms quietly crying "Woah what the hell happened?" he walks to the two of you behind the couch watching as you yell out and grab dom more from the thunder "Come here mi vida" you wrap around damian as you look around anxiously all of you yelling at the jumpscare from the movie still playing "Fuck! All right no more tonight!" you wrap up in your blanket while still laying against damian after all of you went upstairs watching Corpse Bride to settle all your nerves followed by Edward Scissorhands and finally Nightmare before Christmas all of them smiling at your calm childlike state of quiet humming to the music, intense focus on watching the film, and small dances until you were all asleep at the last five minutes.

[greenthena]

No sleep. Only Good Omens

Today in 3am theories I don't really believe: All the shopkeepers on Whickber street are angels or demons who've had their memories erased.

My evidence: I have none, your honor. They're just all weird, and I like that.

My reasoning: Whenever an ethereal or occult being gets to be too much to handle, their memory gets erased by Heaven or Hell. Some angels and demons are just too much of a liability, so they get their memories SUPER-erased and sent to live as humans. BUT. They are different and have behaviors that can't be easily explained. They believe they're human, so they act human-ish. But it's sketchy.

So one day, oh say maybe one hundred years ago, The Metatron looks down at A.Z. Fell & Co. in the middle of the neighborhood that was growing up into the Soho we know today, and thinks. "Aziraphale, odd little angel that he is, has managed to blend into this bizarre neighborhood. Maybe I can dump the other reject angels here, as well." Hell catches on and starts doing the same thing. Before you know it, Whickber Street is chock-full of angels and demons who were generally too much trouble for Heaven or Hell to bother with them anymore. These sweet babies have all had their memories erased and, like Muriel who thinks humans often live two hundred years, or so, just accept that they are people with long life spans and go about their lives making coffee, selling records, and "hemming" men's "clothes."

And Aziraphale and Crowley, being the most wonderful and absolute dumbasses that they are, haven't noticed a thing.

Flaws in the theory: Maggie says she inherited the record shop, which was originally owned by her great grandmother. Solution? Ummmm....Heaven just gave her another memory wipe. Problem solved. Deus ex machina memoria.

Is this a hill I am willing to die on?: Abso-fucking-lutely not. I just want to read the fanfic, please and thank you.

For the record, Nina does NOT approve of this theory, at all.

[surgepricing]

You really don’t know anything about profitably.

First if it wasn’t profitable then viz wouldn’t buy the ip from wb. Because people usually only pick things up if they see dollar signs with the current state of things. 2) barb said it was expensive not not profitable but your dumbass doesn’t understand that and misinterprets what she said. The Wb cut rt because the greedy owner of the wb could make more money for himself. It’s call corporate greed someone who seems to be an activist should be outraged.

https://variety.com/2024/biz/news/warner-bros-discovery-david-zaslav-2023-compensation-pay-1235974254/amp/

Kerry wants to continue what he built with Monty so if the new writers weren’t onboard with the current story (you know the one he started with Monty and would like to see through to honor his late friend)doubt he’d be onboard. you all claim to care about Monty’s vision a reboot with new writers who didn’t know Monty personally to give whiners who hate the show would be against that. You also complain about the writers giving into fans demands, doing this would prove that you were wrong and they’d be giving into fans demands by dropping the current show to do what rw/de wanted. Cutting bmlb for blac/ksun which is weird considering you seem to be a lgbt person or ally. Let the og show finish then maybe they could do spinoffs.

My dude, in the gentlest of ways, you are missing the entire point of why I made the post:

Do you think every single series VIZ owns generates profit? I don't think you have an idea of how many IPs VIZ owns that literally no one has ever heard of. Warner Bros is even bigger and they are certainly not drawing a profit on every single IP they own. It doesn't matter, because the ones that are profitable draw in big fucking numbers.

RWBY is not one of those series. If it was, then oh-so-greedy Zaslav, who you twits have made into your latest villain, bearer of all sins and evils, would have kept it. Zaslav and Warner being greedy fucks who would cut RWBY for not lining their pockets enough, and RWBY being genuinely successful and attractive as a property to the point of VIZ desiring it for those purposes, cannot both be true. VIZ is not magically more compassionate or altruistic than Warner, they're both corporate studios run by thousands of people.

I mean, I don't know why you pursue this line of thinking anyway. Y'all rallied behind Crunchyroll and Rooster Teeth, and both of those went belly-up, too. Why do you suddenly think this will be different?

[jackals-ships]

in a shocking turn of events this was Only ~800 words

bc @almostourgalaxy asked abt dogs response to dual bein sick and WELL, ur honor. he's baby. they're soft

you are having yourself a nice little nap when the sound of crashing wakes you up. has you jerking out of bed as your heart tries to leave your body, prey brain instincts shoutin about predator danger loud scared danger til you're aware properly.

you register first that saturn ain't in your bed, you're midway to getting up to find him when. you find him. in the damn floor. something like irritation flares up cuz you were sleepin and dumbass went and rolled out the bed apparently and he's probably layin there all embarrassed about busting his ass.

“Ampora.” all the bite drains out of you before you even finish his name. when he looks up at you he looks. rough. looks like he ain't quite with it and that's all but confirmed when he whimpers at you like a wriggler, even lookin like he's close to crying. fins flaring out hurt-defensive and you. you ain't sure he recognizes you in that moment.

....fuck but that's a familiar expression he's wearing too.

so you chirp at him as you slide off the bed, keeping yourself loose an open. voice pitched down softer than usual. “Saturn? …Sati?” he's still lookin at you sideways as you think. “..Korli?” that gets somethin, another whine that you answer with a chirping croon. “Korli, lil scraps, lil baby love, what happened huh?”

hand out he lets you touch his muzzle, pushes up into it with sad-pained sounds but doesn't give you a right answer. you're all set to frowning, he's. well he still feels like a corpse that's been left in a freezer too long but a warmer one. that is. hm. less than ideal.

his fins are still flaring out all pained but his posture is less defensive the more you stroke him. “You hurt yourself fallin huh? Scared yourself somethin fierce too didn't you Korli? Oh poor baby, can you show me where it hurts most right now?” he's turning his head, showin off his horns. ah. probably slammed em on the way down.

you're petting him with one hand and letting the other gently press. seeing what makes him wince and takin down mental notes. closer you get to the base of his left horn the more he whines, so you ease back off. shushing him gently. “I know, I know, oh littlest love you're okay, I'm right here, I got ya. He's bein so brave for me isn't he? Bravest little Scraps huh?”

you've never seen him so. open. but the praise gets him chirping and nuzzlin even more intently into you. “Oh he is so brave. My strong, bravest lil guy wanna get up? Back into bed?” he's shaking his head at you. “You wanna keep sittin?” another head shake that has you thinkin slowly. “...were you tryin to get up to get somethin?” that earns you a nod.

“Somethin to eat?” another no. “Water then? ..Alright that works, need to get some painkillers into you anyways…” course that sets him to pouting and if you weren't so worried you'd be squishing his whole face. fuck he ain't allowed to look so cute. “No? Even now you don't like takin your medicine huh. It'll make you feel better sugar.” somehow the pout is increasing and it's so hard to not laugh. “Okay, alright. Just water then, and maybe a treat huh?”

that gets him perked up. scrambling to all fours (threes) to follow you. steps unsteady, a bit of a limp, but he ain't falling over so you're (less) worried about a concussion. for the most part.

the water is the easy part. slipping painkillers into his food is a little more difficult because he is all up in your business. ("Lil love I'm just tryin to get, Korli gentle mouth, I'm tryin to- you gotta wait a second-")

but somehow, against all odds, it is accomplished. he also accidentally tried to take your whole fingers off in the process. you make a mental note that hand feeding giant puppies with teeth that fuck large is a little dangerous.

getting him back into bed is a pain in the ass. all the gentle coaxing has him whining and sulking like a kid that doesn't wanna take a nap. at least until you pitch your voice faux sad because, “You don't wanna cuddle? But the beds so big Scrapsies and Imma be so lonely all by myself.”

it works a little too well.

you could almost believe he wasn't hurting with the way he damn near barrels into you, curls up around you with the biggest wettest eyes til you start up petting him again.

…this is. gonna be one hell of a conversation later. but for now you don't focus on that. instead you just keep petting him til he starts to fall back asleep.

where you quickly learn that puppy saturn is clingier than normal saturn. you thought about moving and it was like he could sense it an was personally offended.

help.

[emmetverse]

👑🌟🌹, all characters

👑: Is your muse honorable? 🌟: Do they consider themselves a good person? 🌹: When would they tell a lie?

𐰬 Honourable meaning deserving of high regard? People use it for different meanings sometimes, like morals or something. It confuses me. I don't think I necessarily deserve people praising me or whatever. I'm just a normal guy :3 And maybe a good normal guy. It depends who you ask. I like to think I always did things with people's wellbeing in mind, but some bad people do that and they're still bad. So maybe I'm not. But I hope I am!

I think I would lie if it's needed. I definitely have a history of it.. I just get so nervous sometimes! They come out before I can really think about them, and by the time I realise it's already too late...

✲ I like to think I'm a pretty honourable person! And yes, I also like to think I'm a good person! Trying to be good is what makes someone good, and I know I try super duper hard to make sure people are happy. It's important to do the right thing. Like telling the truth, too! Telling the truth is the right thing. Lying always has consequences and ends up making someone sad :(

≜ No. No. I can't.

𐳱 I am the most honurable person ever. i'm amazing andgood. unlikce you. and i never lie. why would i lie. why would i lie? anyone who thinks i would is an idiot, actually. dumbasses and/or something else i can''t remember. i forgot where i was goingwith this . oh yeah i'd totally lie. like all the time. sapark believes everything you say always and forever and its reallyfunny and im sorry he believes spiders can turn invisible and its the funniest fucking thing in the world. im nottaking criticism

[nerdyvocals]

Hello again! To be honest, @look-at-those-niceass-rocks and I weren't originally sure if we were going to watch Rise of Red or not, but I saw some. Interesting things on tiktok, and we decided this would be a fun excuse to get tipsy on a Saturday night (we even made themed cocktails!), and that we would have a lot of unhinged things to say. Previously, we've also watched and kept a running commentary of the first three films and the Royal Wedding short film.

That said, I know opinions on this film have been very divided, and if you're looking for high praise, you will not find it here. The movie was cute, and we had fun, but we did not have a lot of compliments, and we're still messaging each other with criticisms a week later. If you're looking for two dumbasses who give tipsy critiques (please drink responsibly) about children's movies, please, proceed under the cut!

First, an honorable mention from a few days before the watch party: Bee (after we mentioned that we both, despite not originally planning on watching Rise of Red, had avoided spoilers just in case we changed our minds): Why do I care about spoilers for an unasked-for fourth movie in a franchise I only just became interested in?

Me (reading the description): Okay, so it looks like it's Back to the Future but Disney Bee: Great! Me: Was this needed? I feel like the trilogy wrapped things up nicely

Uma: This is Auradon, the kingdom where all your favorite fairytales are true. It was formed 30 years ago when- Me: PAUSE, okay so of the few things I've seen on tiktok,

Uma: Guess who they left in charge while they're gone? Me: That seems like a bad plan Bee: I was about to say

Me: So the biggest complaint I've seen so far has been about this, where Uma says that Auradon was founded 30 years ago Bee: Right Me: I've seen people call it a plot hole because in the first movie, Mal says the kingdom was founded 20 years ago, and I don't think they ever say exactly how much time passes between any of the movies, but the reality is, and I'm gonna touch your hand when I say this, Bee: *cackling* Me: The first movie came out in 2015. It is now 2024. The first movie came out almost 10 years ago, and in fact, when you add 10 to 20, ya get 30. Bee: *still wheezing* Me: Now, I don't know if the complaints are coming from new, younger fans who just recently binged the original trilogy in preparation for this and didn't realize when the first one came out, or if they're from older fans who have lost track of time and don't want to face the math- Bee: Fuck math, man!

(Continuing from the previous conversation, after discussing character ages and determining that Uma is likely between 26-28 at this point) Bee: That's too young to be headmaster, she's a baby Me: Bee, that's fairly close to 30, that's not unreasonable. I feel ya though, I'm not an adult, I'm a baby with a drinking permit. Bee: I think I've finally surpassed baby with a drinking permit, I'm more like. Adult, reluctantly

Fairy Godmother: The queen of Hearts refused to join Auradon when we united Me: Yeah, because you would've imprisoned her???

Blonde Wonderland Guard: *appears* Me: Lucius Malfoy??? Bee: Wig Me: Starkid's A Very Potter Sequel Lucius Malfoy???

Me: Does she (Red) have a nose ring??? Bee: Oh shit, she does! Me: We finally get some edginess to character design and it's when nose rings are no longer edgy

Honorable mention: Us spending Multiple Minutes trying to figure out if Maddox was supposed to be The Mad Hatter or the son of the Mad Hatter. We ended with no answers

(About Paolo!Charming) Bee: Oh, he has only gotten hotter Me: Correct! Why does he have blue in his hair Bee: Because he's hot

Me: Imagine being this in love still after raising Chad

Cindy: We wouldn't have been able to make this great family Bee: And Chad

Cindy: *presents Chloe with the Most Hideous Shoes I have Ever Seen* Me: *chugs what's left of my drink*

Cindy: We can visit Chad at college another time Me: Chad got into college??? Bee: Nepo baby

Bee: Does anyone in this movie understand "show don't tell?" Movie: *Insert Love Ain't It, aka Exposition: the Song* Me: Nope!

Cindy and the Queen of Hearts: *share a look* Me: Ex-lovers Red and Chloe: *share a look* Me: Future lovers?

Me: JABBERWOCKY MENTION! Bee: Drink!

Me: Is that supposed to be Jasmine and Aladdin? Bee: I think so? Me: Why does Jasmine have a fuck-ass bob? What is it with Descendants and fuck-ass bobs???

Me: I'm going to get so drunk over this Bee: I think that's safet Me: ...Safet???

Me: Where are Harry and Gil? Bee: On their honeymoon

(During the What's My Name? reprise) Bee: ...I need to take another drink Me: Same Bee: My drink is almost gone, I'm so sad Me: Do what I did, make another Bee: I will after this dork-ass song

Uma: Do you mind? Queen: I think I do Me: *pausing* Do you want to make a second drink real quick before things get cringier? Bee: ...I think that's a good idea

Me: I think I don't hate the silhouette of the Queen of Hearts' look, but it's way too monochromatic Bee: Drink! You're right though, there's no dimension

*Wand Breaks* Me: OH SHIT Bee: You could do that this whole time???

Cindy: Stop it, Bridget, you're better than this! Me: Is she? Bee: I don't think she is

Aladdin: Look at her, she's enjoying this! Me: Yeah, she's a teenager experiencing parental affection for the first time. Y'all really learned nothing, huh? Bee: You'd think after ten years they'd get their shit together

(As Cinderella is being led away) Bee: I love her poofs Me: God, me too, I love puff sleeves Bee: We are both just Anne Shirley

Fairy Godmother: *is young* Me. She looks so much like Jane Bee: For a second there, I thought that just straight up was Jane Me: Brilliant casting

Me: Why are their clothes so modern if this is supposed to be over thirty years ago

Me: This princess insult doesn't work if you're both princesses

Red and Chloe: *forehead touch* Me: Gay Bee: Kiss

(After Fight of Our Lives) Bee: I feel like this didn't need to be a song Me: We could've just had a homoerotic sword fight à la The Princess Bride

Me: Ahhh, that's why everyone is dressed so modern, so they can blend in without a costume change! That's so lazy!

Bee: He (Merlin) pulls a lit Molotov cocktail from his bag

(Alchemy Class) Bee: ...The hap is fuckening

Red: *eats a cupcake* Bee: These falsies are really gonna help me do alchemy!!!

Bridget: It's Jasmine and Aladdin! J&A: Call us Jaladdin! Me: I will not be doing that Bee: *choking* WHAT THE FUCK

Morgie: Son of Morgana! Me: See, Morgana has a kid already, but gee, why wouldn't Disney want children Googling Mordred? Bee: Hehehe

Uliana: TELL BRIDGET I WILL DESTROY HER Me: See, girl, she did warn you Bee: Why are Jaladdin going with?

Ella: Will you go to castlecoming with me? Me: OH Bee: GAY Me: So it wasn't a prank that turned her evil, it was that her girlfriend ditched her for a boy, Us, simultaneously: IT'S GIVING GOOD LUCK BABE

(In the Tremaine Manor) Me: Oooh, this kid is about to learn what parental abuse is

Bee: I need them to try and fix it and then have to go back again because they accidentally turn Cinderella evil Me: That's what the fifth movie is about, actually

Uliana's Hideout: *emerging from the water* Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT Bee: "Can-I-Have-A-Cigarette" lookin' ass Me: *WHEEZE*

(During Perfect Revenge) Bee: Kenny Ortega, I'm sorry I didn't appreciate you when I had you

(It was at this point, when Uliana was hanging by her tentacles, that Bee's husband entered to check on us) [Husband]: ...What in the Doc Ock

Me: Ooooh, that last sip hit, I think I've made it to drunk Bee: Oh boy! Me: I'm so glad I don;t have to be anywhere tomorrow Bee: Drink some water Me: Water is for weaklings! Bee: I don't get hangovers anymore because I hydrate while I drink Me: I don't get hangovers because I'm 22 Bee: Suck my dick, Levi Me: I don't think [Husband] would appreciate that Bee: [HUSBAND], CAN LEVI SUCK MY DICK?! [Husband], distantly: I don't know how to respond to that??? Me: *falling off the couch crying laughing*

Bridget: *talking about her Shuffle of Love dance* Me: If not going on date, why worried about love, I am drunk Bee: No, you're correct

Bridget: If I was your mom, I'd love to have a daughter that thinks for herself Me: BOY WOW I WAS NOT EXPECTING TO GET HIT IN THE MOMMY ISSUES

Bee: Oh, pretty boy (Paolo!Charming) is back! Also I stood up and I too am now drunk

(After some line about valiant knights being always good) Me: Have you heard of Lancelot? Bee: I was about to say

(During the Hands Dirty sequence) Me: This is a song from a better movie Bee: Not again

Bee: I simply do not believe that Cinderella would let her daughter grow up that dumb as hell. I do, however, believe that Prince Charming would let his daughter grow up that dumb as hell Me: have you met Chad? Bee: That's fair, actually. Chad's adopted Me: Who's goddamn white baby is that? Bee: Who's goddamn white baby is that!

Me: Pause! So here, funnily enough, is a perfect example of what my mentor calls "Disney Patches:"

Bee: Drink! Me: So what they're trying to do here is show that Ella has to wear her clothes to the bone and patches them herself. When you add patches to garments to make them look like they've been repaired, you need to make sure the placement makes sense, as in think about where clothes would likely wear to holes: for pants, that's gonna be mainly knees and inner thigh. Disney has a habit of just putting patches wherever in places they just wouldn't be, like here. Why does she have patches in random places on her leg? Bee: Ohhh Me: In some cases in can be a stylistic choice, but I would argue that Ella wouldn't be the type to waste that much fabric for no reason. I can forgive the pockets though, I've had pants that got holes in the pockets, and sometimes it's easier to replace them than to patch

(A shot of Headmaster Merlin's Door) Bee: Hmmm, Merlin Me: ...Headmaster Merlin Bee: hmmmmmmmm, Merlin

Bee, completely deadpan: Hoot hoot, motherfuckers

Me: The Night Falls scene fell flat on its face so this scene could feebly crawl

Me: It has only just occurred to me that Chloe's shoes were supposed to be glass this whole time, I thought they were just fucky Doc Martens Bee: Yeah! Put the uh. The ug. Put the ugly in uggs Me: I think you need to drink more water Bee: I think you're right

Me: They're red and blue gays Bee: They're red and blue gays!

Me: Fuck whatever this movie is supposed to be about, I need them to kiss

Bee: Obsessed with his (Merlin's) coat, costume department popped the fuck off with that Me: That's my line Bee: Drink bitch!

Me: Wait, is that the end? Bee: It can't be, there's no way that worked Me: There's only ten minutes left???

Uma: You didn't think that was the end of the story, did you? Me: FUCK OFF

Bee: I am deadass on Reddit Me: *dying* Bee: Trying to figure out what the fuck

Bee: Where was the climax??? Was it supposed to be that thing in Merlin's office? Me: It can't have been Bee: If it was it fell so flat. I feel like I've sobered up watching that

[hard--headed--woman]

you radfems just LOVE making enemies, don't you? "why gay men don't support lesbians? like, whe have always supported gay men" FUCK OFF, you don't support trans women, you don't support women who use makeup and like to be housewives.

fuck your victim complex, you love to be violent and "angry" all the time. it's because of you that people think feminism is bullshit.

gay men make fun of lesbians? then they're assholes, but you dumbasses saying "yeah, fuck gay men, all of them are assholes and don't support us uwu" sound pathetic as well. fuck your bullshit🖕and trans women ARE women

I love how you're saying we love to be angry and violent while you've just wasted some time of your pathetic life to send anon hate to someone you don't even know. Sounds like projection to me, lmao. Trans women are men and there is nothing you can do about it besides crying like the weak crybaby you are and getting mad at women who are braver than you and dare to say it. By the way, try to find some class about reading comprehension near where you live, because if you sincerely think criticize something (like makeup or the housewive lifestyle) means hating on the women who do this thing and not supporting them. And I absolutely never said "fuck gay men, all of them are assholes", lol. How ridiculous can you get ? Are you at your best or can it get worse ? You seem to be a wonderful specimen of stupidity so I bet it ca. And, oh, let me tell you something, if that's not too complicated for your little brain - people think feminism is bullshit because they are misogynistic assholes, just like you are, not because of us. Politics aren't your thing, right ? It shows. Stop trying to talk about it with adults, my dear. Now you should go the only thing you're probably good at (besides crying), aka fucking yourself. You should be honored I even took the time to reply to your bullshit.

[violent-backed-starling]

Pairings/Groups I would like to see in the Life Series.

Grian & Cleo: They can both be extremely chaotic and murder-happy but they can also just be someone exhausted parent. I think they could really cause some trouble together.

Team Piss (Pearl, Impulse, Skizz, and Scott): Listen, the acronym is funny also putting two dynamic duos together really works. Imp and Skizz is a classic and Pearl and Scott work either really well or are batshit insane together. Also Imp and Pearl are also another awesome duo, so this is a very skilled team, two former winners an angel and a devil. I love that for them.

Scar & Big B: Cookie boys!!! Listen I just think it would be neat and they could live in a cookie themed flying saucer, raining down tnt minecarts and arrows onto anyone within range.

Jimmy, Cleo, and Ren: This would be fun okay. Ren and Cleo get on pretty well and I think adding Jimmy to them would be awesome. You know Ren is gonna be dramatic as hell and that he would have a blast playing around with having Jimmy as like a squire or something where he eventually gets promoted. Then Cleo could look on at her two dumbasses just like she did in Limited Life.

GIGS: I just love the phasmo-boys. Listen is it is the dads and their idiots sons. I think this would be a great way to work in the desert duo but in a way where Scar has several people looking out for him and Grian is allowed to go buckwild and isn't feeling like he has to be responsible all the time. Skizz and Scar could go out at do some bonding by murdering enemies when they're both on red and Grian and Impulse can cause insane tnt explosions.

Pearl, Lizzie, Jimmy, & Grian: This is the ultimate sibling energy team okay? Seablings, sky siblings, Jimmy and G, they are just siblings your honor. I think this team would bully each other mercilessly but heaven help whomever decides to hurt one. I am sure that they would accidentally kill each other though.

Martyn, Skizz, Scar, & Impulse: Team SIMS would rock. Martyn is scary competent and would contribute. Scar is a great shot and could probably run a brilliant scam to get their team resources. Skizz would keep the team together and be a source of comedy as always. Impulse is for sure the team dad and is setting up traps and could probably win a season. This is a power team and I just think they'd be neat. There hasn't been a Martyn and Scar team up and I think it would rock.

Grian & Tango: I think these two would be unstoppable! Also The explosions would be fantastic. You know that they would be a chaotic force for evil and I love that for them <3

Joel & Ren: Wolf boys okay. I think that Joel would be feral for any teammate and something about Ren makes his allies absolutely insane. This team up would fucking rock and that is that.

Tango & Joel: Listen Tango could work well with someone who loves and is so utterly loyal to their teammates that they would die for them permanently. That someone is Joel through and through. I think that they could go far together and maybe Tango would get a more impactful death story-wise.

Lizzie & Jimmy: Seablings! She'll be Jim's scary big sister and he can be her sopping wet cat of a younger brother. They are just so sibling ya know.

[devilsrecreation]

Incorrect quotes: Crocodile edition

Scar: 🎶Cuz I just want you for my own~🎶

Ucheshi: 🎶Please leave me the fuck alone~🎶

Ucheshi: Listen, I can’t give any more information, but I fear I may have girlbossed a bit too close to the sun

“Last night I dreamt I was a baobab tree and you were a Tikiti melon…which is weird cuz you’re usually a Star Apple tree in my dreams. Why do you suppose that is?”- Ucheshi to Kiburi when they were young

Tamka: I got a plan!

Nduli: Me too!

Tamka: What’s your plan?

Nduli: To listen to your plan!

Tamka: …Good plan!

Makuu: Please let the rest of the Dry Season be quiet. Thank you. Well, guess I’ll go home now

Kiburi: What’s up, Makuu? 😈

Makuu: See? There is no god.

Human AU (feat. Njano)

Kiburi, playing with Wakali: Uh, how you doing?

Wakali: Dad…say it in your girl voice. Why do I have to keep asking you?

Kiburi: *in a girly voice* How ya doing?~

Njano: *starts laughing* He said ✨How you doin?~✨💅

Kiburi: Shut up!

“How does it feel to be the most hated crocodile in the Pridelands right now?”

Kiburi: In a land full of neanderthals, I wear the badge of honor

“What about the rumors that you’re gay for Makuu?”

Kiburi: WHO THE FUCK SAID THAT?

Ucheshi: And now for a simple 9,000 question dating quiz! Kiburi, on a scale from 1-5, you scored a 3

Kiburi: Yes! YES!

[DATEABLE]

Ucheshi: Tamka, your score is—YEESH! You know, scores don’t really matter. You should just focus on being you! 😊

[QUESTIONABLE]

Ucheshi: Nduli, on a scale from 1-5, you scored…a 12?!

Nduli: My mom was right all along! I am the world’s most perfect crocodile! :D

Tamka: I dare you to say the f word

Nduli: FFFFFFFFFF

Neema: [Do it!]

Nduli: FFFFFFFFFFFFFREAK! (sweating) Wow, holy fuck guys, that was hard. Shit dude.

Hodari: Can’t you guys ever see things from my perspective?

Makuu’s float: (lie down)

Hodari: ….

Tamka: Why do we have an allstate card? Isn’t their slogan like “Allstate, we got the beef”

Kiburi’s float: ............

Tamka: Oh my god, I’m thinking of Arby’s...

Makuu: Who the fuck-

Pua: Makuu, language

Makuu: Whom the fuck

Pua: No

Nduli: How dumb do they think we are?

Tamka: Sometimes, Kiburi leaves me pictures of food instead of a shopping list

Tamka: Bad things keep happening to me, like I got bad luck or somethin!

Pua: Tamka, you don’t have bad luck

Neema: [The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.]

Pua: Tamka was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.

Tamka: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it.

Pua: Tamka, you ate a chair.

Nduli: Where are you going?

Kiburi: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there

Tamka: I was arrested for being too cool!

Neema: [The charges were dropped due to lack of supporting evidence]

Kiburi: I think Neema was right.

Tamka: I'm surprised they haven't marched in here to say 'I told you so.'

Nduli: They wouldn't do that.

Neema: [You're right, Nduli. For once in your life, you're 100% right. I would never say that.]

Neema: *turns around, the shirt they're wearing says 'Neema Told You So' on the back*

*Kiburi's helping Nduli out after they get injured, while the others are watching*

Tamka: How does Nduli look?

Neema: [A little better than you, actually.]

Mashuhuri: I'm not scared of you, Nduli!

Nduli: That’s fine

(Tamka appears)

Tamka: Hello, Mashuhuri.

Mashuhuri: I'm not scared of you either!

[Kiburi steps up]

Kiburi: S'up, donkey?

Mashuhuri: ….Okay, you, I'm scared of...

(Lol they’re getting revenge for antagonizing Neema)

Hodari: Hey, why are you dating me?

Kinyonga: Because I love you!

Makuu: Why're you dating me?

Ucheshi: Because I love you!….and to annoy my brother.

Kiburi: *giving Makuu a death glare*