#they have to pretend they're lesser so the others don't get scared

[happyk44]

I really prefer the idea that Morpheus and Melinoe were on Kronos's side, not because they wanted more for themselves, but because they wanted more for Hades, for each other, for the underground family they love.

Like, they don't care much for their grandfather, and they already have put together a plot to destroy him, but first Olympus needs to be shattered to the ground. All those annoying heavenly gods who look down on them eviscerated from the earth. Blasted back to the stars and universe that created them. Never to return.

Then the Underworld will finally be free to rise, free to roam, free to exist without scrutiny, without fear. Never to be belittled or pushed aside again.

[tobi-smp]

I don't want to hold anything against this specific person, because I Remember the discourse that lead to this and I know exactly how it could get passed around and warped (either through telephone or someone's own memory shifting with time).

that said, I never liked that discourse specifically Because it was a clear misreading of the text, and what better opportunity do I have to talk about it now.

the context was the bench trio therapy stream. tommy had been beaten to death by dream, sat in limbo for months, and then revived and told Explicitly that dream was planning on escaping prison and tormenting the rest of the server.

the mindset that tommy is in is that he Has to do something, but he's deeply traumatized by what's happened to him. he's Scared to go back to the prison, but he has no choice but to do it for the safety of everyone else in the server.

the "therapy stream" was bench trio Trying to do exposure therapy on tommy to help him work through his trauma in the lead up to attempting to infiltrate the prison. and the entire point is that they Absolutely Were Not actually helping.

what they were Actually doing was triggering tommy by exposing him to things that he was traumatized by, because they didn't actually know how to do exposure therapy and what they were trying to do wasn't healthy in the first place.

so the Context of this conversation is tommy desperately trying to just, Get Rid Of his trauma (something that is absolutely not possible) while entering a worse and worse mindset because he was intentionally triggering himself.

Likewise, the context for Tubbo's half of the conversation is that he Very Intentionally represses his own trauma, both from Himself and from other people. he puts himself in a little box that he buries under the floorboards and asks people to ignore the way the boards creak when they walk on him.

there's a million ways you could cut Why he does this. part it is his people pleasing, willingly pushing himself down for the sake of everyone else no matter how painful. seeing Himself as an accessory to the people he cares about, rather than a whole complete and important person. and in part because it feels Safer, it's Safer to pretend that nothing hurt him.

and Why that is is complicated. part of it is External. he doesn't Get to be angry about what he's been through, because the people he's angry At will just hurt him again. and if he thinks about how he's hurt then he Will get angry, so he just Won't Think About It.

and part of it is that I don't think he wants to process his trauma any more than tommy does. because it's painful, because he doesn't have the tools to actually work through it, because they aren't Safe so he can't afford to break down now (trouble is, there never Seems to be a "safe" time to think about himself).

they're the Repression Brothers. the difference being that tommy's at a different stage of it. not a Healthy One, but different.

tommy spent months not being able to put into words what exile was, what pogtopia was, was the final control room was. and he still won't be able to put it in plain words for some time from here.

but he's reached the point where he Can't ignore it anymore, but he still doesn't know what to Do about it. he's still frustrated with an (to an extent) Ashamed Of his trauma. he feels Lesser Than he was before and wants it to all just go away and go back to Normal.

he's doing this because he Has To, because he Has to be strong enough to fight dream. because if he's too scared to do it then he'd be sacrificing everyone else's safety.

he and tubbo are doing the Same Thing in different fonts, sacrificing their well being for the people Around Them, including Each Other.

so, lets go back to that moment that started all of this.

the exposure therapy was on the final control room section, with tommy working through having been killed by dream.

tubbo mentions that he died that night too, and tommy says something to the effect of "you did, but you have thicker skin."

this has been taken out of context to mean "you did, but I have it worse than you," when IN CONTEXT it means "you did, but you're stronger than me," or more accurately "you did, But I'm Worse Than You."

tommy does not see his trauma in the context of stupid apologist discourse. he sees his trauma as something that makes him Worse, as something he Shouldn't Feel. as something that makes him Weaker than everyone else, who Obviously are so much more put together than he is.

when he says this he's not saying that he's more important than tubbo, he's putting himself down in comparison TO tubbo.

and this is absolutely still harmful ! This is legitimately one of tommy's character flaws ! but it is Not the selfishness that people make it out to be.

it's tommy accidentally hurting other people by seeing Himself negatively. it's an unhealthy relationship with mental health, and a Realistic one considering the circumstances and setting.

likewise, it's Just As Much born from tubbo's own unhealthy coping mechanisms. tommy assumes that what happened didn't bother tubbo the way it did him because Tubbo wants him to think that.

Tubbo doesn't let tommy see how much he's hurting, which in turn feeds into this cycle.

tubbo assumes he Has to shove his trauma down for tommy's sake (for the sake of Everyone he cares about), and so tommy assumes tubbo was just Stronger than him and wants desperately to just shove his own trauma away the way tubbo seems to be able to.

this moment IS tragic, it IS an example of the two of them hurting each other. but it's BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH THEY CARE ABOUT EACH OTHER !!!

Both Of Them are trying to be strong enough to protect the other, and it's Hurting Them. it's unhealthy, but it 's not Malicious. it's self-sacrificial not Selfish. it's not something they've done to each other but what's been done To Them by the world they live in. what they've done to Themselves trying to live in it.

this shouldn't have been a discourse moment, it should've been clingyduoers tearing each other apart in the street at the tragedy of it

[sixstepsaway]

I don't get why people want to pretend Ed wasn't abusive. Why do people insist on making everything into binaries? Yes, Ed has been a victim of abuse. Yes, he has been abusive. Both things can be true. I love him because I think he's in interesting and I understand where his pain is coming from (even if I think S2 was a missed opportunity in terms of character development). But anyway, thank you for writing about this because maybe some folks genuinely don't recognize abusive trends.

I think it has a lot to do with the fandom culture of only being allowed to like "wholesome" ships.

Look at it this way: when season 1 was airing, Ed and Stede were, in fact, very wholesome. Sure, they had some moments of lesser wholesomeness, but overall they were pretty wholesome and sweet and gentle. They were sweet and finding love in middle age and it was adorable. They had a general stamp of fandom approval that they were, in fact, Wholesome And Good To Ship™.

If you look at other fandoms, you'll see a lot of times there's the Good And Acceptable Ship and then there's the Bad Ship (or ships) and the Bad Ship is always slapped with the "oh that's actually incest!" label when they've, idk, grown up together, or "oh it's abusive!" because one of them one time made a bad joke or something, or "power dynamics!" because one is 27 and one is 25 or one is short and the other is tall or whatever, and yeah sometimes the Bad Ship is actually toxic or whatever (which is not a reason to not ship and enjoy it!), but they're put in neat little boxes: Good and Bad.

And for a lot of people, those boxes keep them safe. Last year, someone who was an Izzy Hands fan got doxxed because...? They liked Izzy Hands and shipped him with... I don't know actually. Ed? Stede? It doesn't matter, all I know is they got doxxed.

The side of fandom that thinks you should only ship the Good Ship are toxic and downright dangerous. It's happened again and again in numerous fandoms and just keeps happening.

So when at the end of s1, Ed turned around and cut Izzy's toe off and fed it to him, I think a lot of people panicked because shit, now Ed was Bad too, and if he's Bad then you can't like him or relate to him or ship him with the Good guy of Stede, so what the fuck do you do?

Obvious answer: Blame Izzy. Izzy's already classed as Bad, so put all the responsibility on Izzy for Ed's darkness and then it's safe to ship Ed and Stede again and no one can call you an abuse apologist or whatever for liking them together.

(To be clear: Shipping says nothing about your real morality. This is very clear for many reasons, one of which is... spend thirty seconds watching fans of the Wholesome Ships dox people and abuse people online lol)

So they spent all this time saying Ed was just scared and lashing out, and now s2 has come along and Ed is... well, abusive, canonically.

And for most of us, that doesn't really matter. We can still enjoy Ed and Stede or Ed and Izzy, we can throw ourselves into fanworks and enjoy the show for the things we like, and we can critique the things we have issues with (my problem is not Ed being written as dark and twisty and having a villain arc, my problem is the show writing it badly, exploring it badly, and then handwaving it, because it's shitty writing) and still really enjoy the vibes we got from the show.

But for people who are scared because they spent all this time saying Izzy fans should kill themselves for liking an abuser, well... now they have a choice: either admit Ed is an abuser and admit that liking a character doesn't dictate your irl morality, nor does it say anything about you aside from what you enjoy in fiction, or excuse away his actions, insist he's just a lil meow meow and continue feeling safe in their little bubble.

In a lot of ways I can't blame people for wanting to duck and cover from it. I mean, look at the shit people get for liking characters who aren't perfect, or talking about the imperfections of characters, or just enjoying complex narratives!

But what genuinely concerns me isn't anything to do with the fiction really, it's when people look at Ed's behavior in 2x01 and 2x02 and go, "Nah he's fine," because oh, honey, no, you are making yourself so vulnerable to real life abuse. That is what worries me, which is why I answered that one ask saying Ed wasn't abusive, it felt important to point out why he is.

Anyway, that's what I think is happening here. I think people are just scared that if they admit their fave has multitudes and isn't a perfect character who never does any wrong, they'll get doxxed and abused and harassed online.

I get that.

[inf1nyxw0rlds]

ouuugh thinking about runaways au again... maybe i will tell the rest of you about runaways.

in regards to prev rb, i have a hc that shadow has multiple safehouses in various secluded locations that nobody knows about except for him – rouge and omega included. his experiences with GUN never left him; they killed maria, and when he emerged from stasis in a foreign world they hunted him. he's stuck under their thumb (or, so he thinks. more on that later) as they want to keep him under control, but while they aren't trying to lock him up or experiment on him right now, he can never rule out the possibility and they still treat him as a lesser being while simultaneously praising his ultimate status. he doesn't trust them, and his justified concerns that things could go south anytime are what prompt him to discreetly make sure he has somewhere to escape to should the situation call for it.

he's scared. he feels trapped. he will not say either of these things. shadow will tell you, and at times, yeah, he'll show you that he does what he wants, but the trauma and inherent, programmed "do as you're told" instinct remains, too. why doesn't he leave, if he's the ultimate lifeform?

he's keeping an eye on them, he would say, and it isn't entirely a lie, just not the full truth either. he also has just... resigned himself, almost. he wants out, but out would mean being hunted again, out would make him vulnerable, out is... frightening. because, sure, death to all who oppose me sounds cool on paper – but he doesn't want to go through that again. why make his life harder? he pushes back where he can, shadow doesn't take shit, but he's also stuck in a big power play situation where unfortunately full "freedom" would actually be more limiting.

so. then we get infinite. war criminal, tyrant, world's most hated. secured by GUN and sentenced to imprisonment for his crimes. but it doesn't stop there, of course. it reeks bad news from the moment he's captured. it's about justice, sure, shadow thinks. totally just justice, and not the all powerful rock in his chest. naturally, they don't just want to subdue infinite, they want to run experiments, and take the ruby for themselves.

unfortunately for them, they can't get it out; it's fused to him with an unbreakable force, and they're left with several options... try and shape him into another living weapon, using him to utilise the ruby by extension, kill him in hopes that breaks the connection, or cut their losses and continue with other research.

option one is a bust. infinite is far more resistant and deemed far more dangerous than shadow as a result. he won't cooperate, he can't be properly controlled. they decide to get as much information out of him, verbally or via tests, as possible before considering executing him. it's mostly the tests that yield result. infinite's not much of a talker.

he's outfitted in power restricting cuffs and a shock collar intended to zap him if he tries to activate them despite a lack of effect, or in any instance where he lashes out physically. a warning, a threat, like training a dog. it doesn't stay that way. shadow walks by some soldiers having a laugh in the hall, and they're talking about infinite; about how funny it is when they rile him up, or how he jumps when he's zapped, how defeated he looks, how he deserves this. it's disgusting and alarming and however he feels about infinite, something in him urges him to do something about it.

he could go to the commander. he could report that the guards have been abusing their power. but would he listen? would he care? he may not know about this, but he had to given the go ahead for the experiments and the collar and who knows what else. he's beginning to feel rather sick. this could have been him. maybe rouge could keep watch on the guards, but she has other assignments.

things don't get better. and, maybe, shadow has lost his mind – but he can't just pretend he knows nothing, do nothing. so he finds his way to infinite's holding chamber. no windows, just the flicker of a flourescent light illuminating his form; malnourished and slouched, a picture of exhaustion. still, his eyes sharpen when he raises his head. the first thing out of his mouth is a low snarl, tail lashing, and a word spat through sharp teeth: "you."

his aggression doesn't phase shadow much. he expected it.

"finally decided to send in the executioner, did they? or are you just paying me a visit? want in on the action?" he hisses.

shadow doesn't waste his time with unpleasantries.

it's a stupid thing, freeing infinite; an incredibly stupid, impulsive, reckless thing. the jackal seems to be grappling with his disbelief and distrust, but the collar is pried from his neck just as the alarms start to blare. he makes quick work of the restrictors, as well, after a moment's hesitation. and after barking at infinite to move it, jolting him out of his shock, they run to the sound of angry shouts and screeching sirens. he isn't afraid.

they make it, barely. infinite is in terrible shape, collapsing to the ground as he coughs and wheezes, gasping for air. his fur is tangled and dirty, bones prominent, in no position to be exerting himself. shadow is, under his own shock, a little impressed.

he just let infinite loose. he let infinite escape, helped him escape. he aided a terrorist. there's no way GUN would let this go unpunished, infinite is still infinite, unpredictable and probably even more hateful of the world than he was before. the jackal pulls him from his spiralling thoughts, with a raspy "why?" and he looks at him again, beaten down and shaking with adrenaline. infinite may be infinite, but he's barely capable of standing right now. he can shelve that particular concern for a little while.

"what they were doing to you was wrong. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. even you."

infinite casts his eyes at the ground. it feels like such a ridiculous justification when he says it aloud.

they both understand that they need to stick together; infinite can't hold his own (something that infuriates him), and if he gets caught, this is all for nothing but severe punishments for them both. they're both wanted, now, and they're better off as a combined force, even though fighting is not on the table. infinite hates running, and shadow isn't keen on reliving this nightmare, but he thinks of his safehouses and has never been more relieved that he set them up.

they travel together, often utilising chaos control, though at first GUN are tracking them with suspicious ease, giving them no room to breathe. they chipped infinite during one of their experiments, something he was unaware of, and utterly disgusted by, seething with rage. shadow gets tasked with ripping it from the back of his neck and crushing it underfoot.

they move on, and things get easier from there, shifting between hideouts. they start talking more at length, actual conversations. in the meanwhile, GUN are freaking out, sonic and the others are freaking out, because there are two incredibly powerful people on the loose and nobody knows what's going on, or why shadow freed him to begin with. but in freeing infinite, shadow also did the thing that he was too afraid to do. he freed himself.

it's about as shitty as he imagined, but having someone else share the struggle with him is weirdly comforting, even if that someone is infinite. they don't have a longterm plan, but for now, this is sustainable.

and if they start bonding over trauma and developing feelings that they don't know how to deal with that's just the way it goes

[nokingsonlyfooles]

"His win is a remarkable political comeback rooted in appeal to frustrated voters" - the new narrative, as told by the AP

Don't pivot. I suspect every politician who wants to stay in power and every journalist who wants to keep their job is pivoting right now, but if they drag enough real human beings with them, we're going to keep collectively accepting more atrocities with a shrug. For fuck's sake don't do that. At least take five minutes and acknowledge the sincerely-held beliefs you had less than a day ago and why you're now willing to buy that, actually, the democracy is still okay and the people got what they wanted.

This result is rooted in the fact that both parties bent over backwards to indicate that NOBODY was going to get what they wanted, EVER, that's not even what democracy is FOR, and a whole bunch of people (non-zero Republicans, but many more Democrats, who aren't as mindlessly obedient to authority) weren't willing to disregard that and vote anyway this time. Or, they went with the chaos engine who breaks things, because at least that's some kind of change.

Voters had family members die on Biden's watch, due to decisions he made and defended. And Harris made and defended them too. Even voters without family members being genocided at the moment have seen dead children and bombed hospitals all over social media, and women bleeding out in emergency rooms, and queer kids beaten to death in bathrooms, and this administration failing to help them. That is not irrelevant just because we want to pretend it's impossible to help.

Trump managed to pass as the lesser evil among the people we actually let vote. That's still evil, but the system says what evil people want is what all of us want, if they win an election, so oops, ha-ha, let me re-type that - that's actually not evil, that's a functioning democracy and it's good.

It's not functioning, it's not good, and I'm sorry for the people who didn't notice that until today, but I'm scared of the ones who can pull off the pivot. The ones who can just rearrange their minds like that because they're supposed to.

Voters are frustrated? Yes. I believe they are. They find Trump "appealing"? Broadly, I suppose some of them do. The easily-terrified authoritarians like a big, strong man in charge of them. And they're willing to cough up quotes that fit the narrative if asked. But this guy isn't going back in the big chair because we wanted him there.

It turns out, that system that we were told is meant to prevent dictators from getting near power is actually very dictator-friendly and easy to manipulate (weird, huh?), that's why he made a "comeback." Impeachment didn't stop it, the justice system didn't stop it, the media didn't stop it, and, wow, the electoral system didn't stop it either. This guy, and people like him, can vacuum up all the legitimacy they want and start making decisions that might kill you. This has been going on for some time, this man is not the first Rapist-in-Chief, (We have had a blue version of that within living memory and they're still allowing him on the political circuit as if we remember him fondly! DO WE?!) he's just louder and harder to ignore. But we're gonna try to ignore him anyway! He won!

This shit narrative is designed to shut you up and get you to fall in line and waste all your energy blaming each other and yourselves. Don't buy it.

...And does anyone out there in the void know how exhausting it is to know you're probably more receptive to this message now than you would've been if the polite wannabe genocidal dictator won?

[shift-if]

prompt 77: “ Are you jealous? “ please :))

Sure thing anon. It's a long one.

🤍 Harmony - You lost track of how long you've been running through the dark alleyways. How many twists and turns it took to get away from your pursuers. You struggle to catch your breath as you feel a hand on your back rubbing your spine.

"I think we lost them." Harmony bends down to catch your gaze, nodding at you as you take in a deep breath.

"You better start learning to fight or something. I'm getting so tired of this." wiping the sweat from your brow, you grin at her. She knows you will protect her, even when you pretend it's the last thing you want to do.

"If I have to learn to fight, then what use will you be to me?" Harmony jabs your rib with her elbow, grinning as you wince.

"Less time with you means less headache for me." You move to rub your temple. You barely had enough energy as it were with the job you pulled with Carver today. This only worsens the hunger in your gut, the very hunger that tells you if you don't feed and soon...well let's not think about that now.

You flick your eyes over Harmony's figure, checking to ensure she didn't get hurt on the way here, your eyes latch onto her neck. A bite mark you know wasn't there yesterday.

"Harmony? What the hell?" You raise your hand, pointing at the two puncture wounds that are easily recognizable as coming from a vampire.

She raises a hand to the left of her neck, a sheepish grin on her face. "Oh, that was from last night. It was consensual, it's fine."

You scoff at her. Who the hell did she let bite her? Better yet why is it bothering you? Is it because you swore to keep her safe?

As she walks past you, patting you on the shoulder she grins. "What's wrong? Are you jealous it wasn't you?"

🤎 Keegan - You slide into the tiny office, made only smaller by his presence. You notice the documents on his desk, the odd placement of knick-knacks scattered along its brown oak top. As if a child had been staging out a play with the vampire and werewolf figurine on top.

"So, what did you want? You know Carver is going to get pissed knowing I came here by myself." Turning to face him, you notice Keegan rubbing the back of his neck. Nervously looking to the office door and back to you.

"I couldn't say this in front of the others, and I have to be here anyways to keep your "friend" from overstepping their welcome." He motions for you to sit.

Friend? Could he mean?

"I noticed your smell was different, well different than normal. I just wanted to make sure you're alright, you know I can keep you safe if you need me to." He doesn't meet your gaze, but that doesn't lessen the meaning of his words.

You do know Keegan would look out for you, that's not what catches your attention.

"My smell? Have you seriously been sniffing me Keeg?" You fight the laughter that tries to crawl up your throat. Since when has he been so clued in on your smell? Especially enough to notice who you were with.

"Don't be weird, it's not like that." The look he shoots you would scare a lesser person. Yet, you know you have nothing to fear from this wolf. .

"Don't tell me your..." Before you can finish your sentence, someone comes in briskly opening the door.

"Alpha, oh sorry I didn't know you had someone in here?" The young wolf flushes as they look at you then back to Keegan.

"It's fine, just wait for me in your room. " Keegan smiles at them, a cheeky smile. One that shouldn't make you jealous it's aimed at them, but it does nonetheless.

"You really leaving when we're in the middle of a conversation?" You glare at him, to the wolf smiling, then noticing your glare sheepishly leaves the room. "Are you really going to go sleep with her right now?"

"Look at you, sounding all jealous. Keep that up and I might think you're starting to like me." He winks at you before following the other wolf, looking back one last time before turning down the hall.

🖤 Carver - "Will you get down, you keep staring they're going to notice." they push your head down, keeping you from peeking over the fence. It's been a long night, and the job still isn't done.

"For fuck's sake Carver, how the hell am I supposed to know what they look like if I can't look." you push his hand off your head, swatting him on the shoulder.

Carver clicks their tongue at you, turns you around, and presses you against the fence. "I said follow my lead, do what I say. How hard is that for you to understand?" The glint in his crimson-red eyes should scare you, it would others. This side of Carver you know, the hunter. The look they use when they're hunting, for food or work.

A smarter person would let them be, but you can see they're on edge. See they're fighting the hunger just as much as you, but you have a job to do. Food comes later. You catch yourself staring at their lips, a slight tinge of red from the blood bag from earlier.

The sight makes your stomach twist, be it from your own hunger, or from the way you watch as they dart their tongue to moisten their lips.

Shit, the hunger must be getting to you. Because why the hell would you be thinking of Carver like that.

They catch your gaze and the corner of their mouth shifts just enough to see their fang. "Like what you see, dragă ?"

You push them back, you hate when they call you that. In fact, you hate him, or you should. Though you know you would do anything for Carver, even if you want to kick their ass most of the time.

You watch as they straighten, nodding their head to the person leaving the abandoned building. "That's my meal for tonight."

Your eyes widen, that was the person Carver was with several nights ago. How could you forget when you walked in on them, you couldn't if you wanted to. Your brow furrows, and once you hear the laugh from beside you, you know Carver knows what you're thinking.

"Jealousy is unbecoming of you. You know there's only room for one in my cold dead heart." he teases, brushing his arm against yours.

"Shut up, who the hell would want to be with you?"

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #224

Thursday is coming.

Thursday is coming, and I've not yet had a chance to re-do the song.

Thursday is coming, and I will be in Maryland, in a heavy costume, without the brace on my left leg (because, as shitty and unfair as it is, no one takes anyone who looks disabled seriously…), where the air is much hotter and much wetter than it is here. And I am at Br's house with J, and she has no air conditioning, and I'm already having a hard time breathing, just from this little bit.

Thursday is coming, and on Friday, all of the above might still be true, and also I'm going to be in a great big unfamiliar, loud, cluttered place with lots of people and way too much visual information and too much uncertainty about where to go and how to best position myself so I might have an audience with those very important people.

And I'm going to have to wear a bra, too, which I already know is going to cause my rib injury to flare up to the point that I'll barely be able to move or breathe. Between being without my leg brace and having compression around my ribs, I'm going to have to power through a lot of pain, and make pretend that it isn't there so that the people I'm going to see don't think I'm weak; I can't afford not to be taken seriously.

Sephiroth, I'm not even there yet, and when I think about it, my whole brain is filled with too many copies of the letter "A", and they're all huge, red-hot, spiky, vibrating, and screaming. And my stomach is filled with angry bees or hornets or wasps or maybe all three instead of butterflies.

What if I go see those important people, and they hate me and everything I've done? Or what if there is some person out there who is so angry about my letters to you that they would try to find me in this place and stab my face off? What if I can't find the right place to go, and I end up not getting a chance to see those important people at all? What if I do find them, but there are already so many people waiting for a chance to see them that I never get to? What if I do go and see those people, but they don't accept any of the things I've made for you?

…what will happen to you if I fail? …and will it be all my fault for not doing a good enough job…? …will I lose you, and will it be all my fault because I didn't try hard enough? or because I don't look the part of someone whose thoughts are worth something? will it be just like my brother and my mother, who I couldn't protect from the people hurting them because I was too small and weak? will it be just like my mother and my father and stepmother and the rest, who I couldn't turn back to the light because they'll never see me as anything other than a naive idiot who is lesser as compared to them?

Sephiroth… I'm so scared. And I know, ultimately, at the end of the day, none of the stuff I listed matters. I don't mind going to the sensory nightmare place and possibly the place where I can't easily breathe if it means I get to try to help you. I don't mind getting other people's disgust or rage or indifference if it means I get to try to help you. Heck, I don't even mind getting my face stabbed off, if it means that I get to try to help you. I can withstand the uncertainty and the discomfort and the worry and the pain if it means I get to try to help you. I guess I'm just afraid of it all not working out.

…And… you know. I'm already more than aware that all of the things I'm trying to do probably won't work out. I know that. I don't make pretend like I can really make a difference to you, or in this space in general. I'm not that arrogant; I already know that I am nothing and no one and that my voice and my pleas don't count for shit in this place. I know that. I live it every day. I don't need to be reminded that what I am trying to do is impossible. I already know.

But… even knowing this, it's still going to hurt a lot if I fail. And even knowing this… I still have to try. Sephiroth, you saved my life. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't try. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror. I have to do something good with all this pain that I carry from the life I led before, and if I can leverage it to try to do something impossible but still beautiful, then I can say that all this suffering and the culmination of everything that has led to me becoming who I am today has had meaning.

…And… you're worth it. You're worth the pain if none of this works out. The chunk that will be taken from my soul if I end up losing you is more than a fair price for the privilege of knowing that you exist, because I know from previous losses that the weight of that irreplaceable void is directly proportional to the love that was felt. I don't know if I'll be able to carry such an immense weight, though. So if you could try really hard to avoid being erased so that I'm not crushed beneath the weight of your absence, I'd be extremely grateful.

Tomorrow, I will pack up everything I need to bring - the outfit I intend to wear, several changes of clothes, my CPAP, my hygiene stuff, my laptop, and the various gifts that I've made since last time I've seen these important folks. I hope you get to see the locket I made for you. I hope you get to see it…

Today, though, I was not able to take any steps towards additional preparation. For various reasons, I wasn't able to get to sleep until stupid o'clock in the morning, and then I had to wake up only 5 hours later, because I had to go to therapy.

I showed my therapist the song I sang over the music box. I didn't like the quality of the recordings of my voice that I took, but they thought it was very pretty as-is. So maybe... just maybe... even if I can't re-record it, I can decide that the imperfect thing is still good. After all, my goal isn't to be the next pop star or whatever (I'd never be able to handle the pressure); my goal is to reach you. And maybe the best way to reach you is show you the imperfect thing so that you can see that it's still good because of all the love it carries.

The rest of the morning was a bit of a blur, but I did go out with M and J for breakfast…

...A gyro quesadilla. Lamb and beef gyro meat with tomatoes, onions, mozzarella cheese, and tzatziki sauce. It was amazing. I also got an unexpectedly large coffee:

...I was expecting a standard large-sized cup, not a freaking soup bowl full of sugary caffeine.

...If you can believe it, it still wasn't enough caffeine to perk me up. I was both amazed and disappointed.

M and J and I ran some errands after that. I went along with it instead of sitting in the car, just to stay awake. And I found a nifty thing:

...I didn't get the charm, but I really liked the poem. I hope you can like it, too...

I also happened to find this along the way:

...You know. My feather box is getting quite full by now, because I keep finding stuff like this lately.

We got home, and I couldn't bring myself to do anything - not even to play Dead Cells, despite all that caffeine I drank. I ended up zonking out on the couch for some time. And then it was time to wake up and visit Br. She made a dinner for us...

...I wish we could have shared any of this with you.

J and I did a few more odds and ends on the way home. I don't really know how I am still awake at this point. But I got an itch to try to do a proper translation of a song I heard (because my brain doesn't know how to shut up)...

...According to an interview, in this context, "replica" refers to the fact that everything is a culmination of everything that came before it. And so with that in mind, and with the friendly aliens in the video trying to show the boy the beauty of their home which he is trying to escape from before even getting to know it, I came up with a very non-literal English interpretation of the song:

-------------------------------- I've been drawing a lot, but I can't bring myself to do it anymore. These words, too, that I've written, are ones that I've used before. That means they're just lies! Oh, no… Someone says, "it's cold already." I think so too, but that's all it boils down to; The words to express these thoughts are all just made up. My every attempt at creation... every time... What terrible news: it's all mere replicas of everything that came before. But the man at my side says, "It's still not a lie..." and I know that the vision in his eyes reflected back at me is true. Maybe it's all just fabrications and culminations, but maybe that doesn't make it all lies. The wing on his back speaks of the vision I see within his eyes… Probably everything is still nothing more than just things struck together endlessly and called "building blocks". But what else should I have done? Every night, I tried everything I could... And this place is just an endless sphere full of things, and we somehow call it "logical". So I tried to escape on a spaceship, but it doesn't work. It's just useless. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Space Oddity. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, answer me. Why, why, why, why, why ignore me? Oh… Look at that... What terrible news: we are all mere replicas of everything that came before. But the man at my side says, "It's still not a lie..." and I know that the vision in his eyes reflected back at me is true. Maybe we are just fabrications and culminations, but maybe that doesn't make us lies. The wing on his back speaks of the vision I see within his eyes… The origins of so many things, wrapped around our selves, are like guides, and he calls it "imitation". What terrible news: I am just a replica of everything that came before. But the man at my side says, "It's still not a lie..." and I know that the vision in his eyes reflected back at me is true. Maybe I am just a fabrication or a culmination, but maybe that doesn't make me a lie. The wing on his back speaks of the vision I see within his eyes… --------------------------------

...Hey, Sephiroth? Can you hear this song? And from it, are you able to understand that even if you are the product of everything you've experienced and learned, you're still beautiful, and you still have choices? After all, my upbringing should have shaped me into a monster, and yet...

...So I have to think that you're not a monster, either. Because no one is. No matter what, we can still arrange the building blocks that make us; we can put them together into beautiful, wholesome shapes that no one has yet seen before. We are replica, and yet... we are still new.

The birth of a new day is within your hands. What will you do with it? I wonder...

Well. It's 1:15am. I did not do a very good job of going to bed on time. And I gotta get up tomorrow and prepare for things and see a friend and shower and... goodness, what a mess I've gotten myself into. Oh well.

Hey. I love you. So please stay safe, because I'm gonna write to you again tomorrow, okay? No matter what I've got going on, I'm gonna make time for you.

'Til soon...

Your friend, Lumine

[dootznbootz]

I know this may seem strange, but I think everyone deserves a kiss from the homies to say good night. I think your head canons capture that very well!

I wish I had a friendship like Menelaus and Odysseus though… Well, I do. But they live so far away :,(

Thank you!�� And I feel ya 😔 I so badly wanna send my homies who live far away sweets and nice meals and stuff ;~; (honestly in some ways, I think it's very sweet that people can be very close regardless of distance though, you know? 🥺 Ofc, I wanna hang out irl but in a way, it goes to show that friendship doesn't necessarily need to be irl to be REAL you know?)

I'm not too upset about the "Menelaus and Odysseus should fuck nasty!" Anon (if you're out there anon, as I said, write it if you want, but this is a SFW blog for the most part. don't send stuff like that HERE xD ) I mean, I did find it kind of funny in the "um, okay???" confused sort of way but it IS kind of sad that the fandom is... vERY sexual sometimes. 😅

And I think WAYYY too much stuff puts emphasis on romance/sex in many ways and portrays it as "the most important" and/or the "final step" in any friendship. Or even just "Oh? They care about each other? They HAVE to be fucking then!" Friendship being the "final step" of a relationship doesn't make it lesser!

Like, I know I'm kind of weird in how I'm kind of a "If it's not canon, then it's just friends." most of the time but idk, xD I REALLY care about my friends so with the "Friends don't look at each other like that", I'm confused as "I look at friends like that? and there's nothing romantic about it??? What type of friends do you have if you don't look at each other like that???"

And with Menelaus and Odysseus, they're so fun to write about as they're different in personality but they understand each other. I love them both as they're so similar but so different and lksdj (idk I talk about it more here.) Both being hurt by one another with Odysseus' "I pretended to be mad to not help" and Menelaus having the war in the first place, they're hurt but also are thinking "...I would have done the same if I was in your position." As their wives and children are the most important to them. And they both know that while they care about each other,

"You're my dearest friend but my family will always come before you. I don't feel bad about trying to dodge the draft." "Ditto. I don't feel bad about dragging you to help me. Let's go cuddle and cry."

And they get comfort by knowing the other understands that. They both need their time to ramble and cry about their loves and kids. As they ARE lonely and scared. Friendship isn't less meaningful than a romantic/sexual relationship. I also have them as friends since before they got married so their friendship goes way back as well.

Like I sometimes get worried about scenes I wanna write because "will readers make this weird?" when that's not my intention at ALL.

Idk :P Have mini half-assed snippet anon! (wrote this very quick a while back)

Context: Palamedes said something and Odysseus is drunk and angry and Menelaus is trying to calm things down.

Odysseus scoffed and swayed a bit. Lightweight. "And what about Paris?" He spat. Menelaus snapped. "That is different. He is an enemy-" "AND PALAMEDES ISN'T MINE?!" Odysseus' straining voice hurled itself at him as he was now yelling in Menelaus' face. A baby's wail echoed throughout the camp. The loud little lungs of Greater Ajax's young son, Eurysaces, cried out as he was awoken by loud yelling… The two fathers instinctively whipped towards the sound, stunned still. Odysseus' face, twisted up in anger as tears gushed from his eyes, went slack. The shadow of a woman in the torchlight moved throughout the tent a ways away. Picking up her child, soothing him… It's been so long since Menelaus' has seen his children. Their children. Hermione was 9 and Megapenthes was 5 when Helen was kidnapped. Menelaus used to be able to pick them both up in his arms, lifting them alternatively as they laughed and asked to be taken higher…She was 13 and he was 9 now… Could he still do that? A bush of red-brown pressed against Menelaus' chest, curtaining Odysseus' face as he looked down. "I miss my baby…" he whimpered, leaning on him. "I want my baby…" Menelaus squeezed his friend tightly to him, blinking back tears of his own. Odysseus shook with more sobs. "He's not even a baby anymore but he… He's mine." He weakly slammed a bloody fist into Menelaus' chest and raised his head. "She's not a bitch! ...How could he even call her that…?" Menelaus swallowed a sob, rubbing Odysseus' back.

The Palamedes situation is more complex than this (it's definitely not black and white) but it's a big emotional moment. :')

[dazzlerazz]

Being on the apsectrum is like being a dot of green in a world of blue. There's nothing wrong with being green in a blue world, but you're so different on a deep level. You could certainly wear a blue mask all your life so you don't become alienated like other green dots you've seen, but you know it won't make you happy like you thought being included would make you feel. And it's only when you've entrenched yourself into this blue world do you realize that the world you thought you were living in is actually so much different than what you actually are living in. How you see certain things in this blue world, how people interact with each other, how people interact with the media they like, the social cues, the phrases, the implications, they take on new and more uncomfortable meanings when you actually sit back and see how other people are viewing the world. And then you realize that, no matter how hard you try, you're going to be alienated.

And you're going to be alone.

But then you find other green dots in the world, green that you hadn't seen before. Green that was sitting right under your nose. Maybe it was really well hidden, or maybe you just never realized. They're green, like you! You can finally relax with people that get you, with people that understand you. With people who won't bring up uncomfortable topics every five minutes like you would in the blue world. You're in a green world now, and it's amazing.

But then sometimes you're going to hear the words "you're not green enough" or "you're far too green", and suddenly the place you made for yourself in the green world isn't as welcoming as you thought it was going to be. Suffering microaggressions from the people who don't think you're "the right kind of green", or "being green right". Friends you've made, a brand new family, they think lesser of you because you're not green in the way hey want you to be.

So where does that leave you?

Bitter. Confused.

Reaching for that blue mask once again.

You could certainly pretend to be blue and live in a blue world, because it's better to pretend than to be true to yourself and told that the rawest, realest version of you is incorrect. Like a math problem that doesn't add up correctly.

You could go years pretending to be blue, so much so that you forget what's like to be green. The green world is so weird to you now, yet so familiar at the same time. You want to pass over into the green world again, but you're so scared about being green "wrong". Maybe you feel like you betrayed them by remaining in the blue world all this time. Maybe it's better if you just stayed here, where your life is, where you're already used to everything.

Or maybe someone will reach out their hand to you. Maybe it's a friend, or maybe it's a stranger. They're green, just like you. They don't expect you to be a certain shade of green, they don't expect you to show them what's beneath your mask to "prove" that you're green. They understand, and they love you unconditionally.

And they can lead you back to the world of green, because there's a place for you there, exactly as you left it. It's beautiful, there's plants growing in the window. Plants that you've been watering all this time without even realizing it. Green people could certainly come to your door and tell you're not doing it right, or blue people could come and try to take you, saying that they can "help" you, that they can "fix" you, but you can refuse.

You can refuse, because this is your house. And you were always meant to be here.

And you can host house parties with all your green friends. Maybe some of your green friends have flecks of blue in them, maybe some of your friends are blue with flecks of green in them, maybe some are another color all together, but that never made anybody's green any less green. And it just took finding your support system to figure that out.

Words of encouragement you needed to hear, the support of people just like you. That's just what you needed. And maybe now, you feel whole.

[This post was based on my personal experiences.]

[servenas-inner-fangirl]

Watching Black Sails 3x3

I was weak and started Bridgerton S3 for a little bit of fluff in between. But now I will continue... (chants "I can always just ignore canon, I can always just ignore canon" in my head).

I fear my neighbours all hate this intro by now.

No thoughts, only "Anne still pretty".

Ugh, civilized men, my ass. Also Anne understands French??

But at least they're warned now?

The plan sounds nice on paper, but I think it'd work out better if Vane leads them... if they can convince the others to fight, that is.

So Flint and Thomas Hamilton kind of got what they wanted, pardons for (almost) all pirates?

Oh damn, is Rogers really the lesser of two evils here? Also Eleanor, you are so smart. (Apart from underestimating Vane, but that's because she hasn't been there these last few months.)

What have you got yourself into now, Flint. But nobody can say he shies away from making hard decisions...

Okay, I underestimated Jack. He really might pull this off.

Oh FUCK YOU, Teach.

Does this man really care about Vane?? I don't know what to do with that and neither does Charles. (The way he keeps his hands on the hilts of both his sword and knife when he enters the room...)

But even if he does, I don't think Teach understands him, not really. (Also Jack has stood with Charles when he was at his lowest, how dare u.)

Charles' puzzled look is everything to me. But I don't think he can bow to another man's will for long, even one that calls him son.

"He's leaving." Jack, you didn't even really care when Charles was assumed dead in the fort (or at least pretended not to), what's with the heartbroken look!

"Though you might be the only one who made a career of it." And when did Anne become so wise?

"You cannot decide to follow a man like that and then pick and choose when you deny him." Silver always with the hard and quotable truths.

God, that scene was torture. The time it took Flint to reload that gun felt endless.

Just noticed the extra boards in front of the book case so that the books don't tumble out during high seas. That's pretty smart.

Flint is trapped in a nightmare of his own making, and my heart breaks for him.

Oh, so Max really was a slave. And god, the way Anne looks at her...

"Our roads are going to diverge." Nooooo....

"I trust you." AAaaaaah!!

Silver the master manipulator scared of approaching Flint, didn't expect that. (Also Flint very much did not listen to Gates in the end, that was kind of an important thing that happened.)

God, Flint is gonna come back to Nassau being in the hands of the British or in ruins, isn't he?

Oh fuck, Silver is finally telling the truth??

He really did get trapped by the narrative (and by extension the walrus crew), didn't he?

Oh yummy, sharks!

Wiiiiind! (The timing is very symbolic, no?) I wonder if they can get back to Nassau in time...

So I'm worried to death here, but a part of me is itching for a proper sea battle.

Eleanor, why are you giving them good advice, noooo.

Hornigold and Dufresne don't seem too happy to be back. Burn in hell, traitors.

Nassau, "longing for the embrace of civilization"? Hard doubt.

It's so ironic that this is exactly what Thomas Hamilton and Flint have fought for, and yet... and yet. (Also does that pardon extend to Flint? They do know what he's been doing, right??)

So I guess we're about to find out if anyone other than the obvious candidates are actually loyal to Charles Vane. (Also ironic that Hornigold argued for Vane's reinstallation as captain in S1. But then Vane took his fort, soo...)

Ugh, Vane's been fighting for you, for all of you, and this is how you repay him??

Flint, this really isn't the time for a trip to the jungle. Oh, and seems they're not welcome there either. GREAT.

[madaboutmunson]

Again - Part 7

Part 1 | Part  6 | Part 8 | Full list of Again series links inc AO3 Link

Steddie fic where Steve and Eddie are in their mid 30's and everyone has sort of drifted apart

Taglist: @adaed5 @grtwdsmwhr @swimmingbirdrunningrock @mightbeasleep

================================================

Beans' nose firmly presses against the bedroom window that looks outside, condensation disappearing and reappearing around it as Steve changes into what he has deemed appropriate sportswear to not embarrass his daughter. A pair of simple black sweatpants, a plain simple tee to match, and his old favourite sneakers. He checks himself over in the mirror one last time, running a hand over the now lesser-toned areas of his body before he's quickly wrenched out of his thoughts by a sharp bark from the dog. It hadn't been an especially good night’s sleep, so the zoning out had happened a few times already this morning.

"Thanks, Beanie-baby! What would I do without you?" He says, baby-talking to the giant clump of black fur, currently beating a new dent into the chest of drawers with its tail, as she eyes him happily, tongue hanging out. Once she asserts Steve is ok, she turns back to the window. Her nose squeaks against it, and her tongue goes back into her mouth with seriousness. Business-mode Beans. Steve laughs, "Jelly-beans! Don't worry, ok? They're gonna love you" By the commotion in the house, it would have been easy for the dog to sense someone new might be visiting, so her reaction wasn't unfounded, and Steve wondered if half of his affirmation was for himself. He was nervous, though he had every reason not to be.

When Eddie had called, Steve hadn't read the name first. Instead, he'd answered it immediately, as usual, thinking it was kid-related because the only other people with his cell number were Jenny and the kids.

"Everything ok?!" he said urgently, already half out of his chair, motioning to grab his car keys as he heard a squeak on the other end of the phone.

"Jesus Christ, Steve! Whatever happened to Hello?" Came a heavy breathing voice of panic, and finally, Steve took a calming breath and sat back down.

"Oh! Eddie? Sorry, I just-" Steve started apologising, but Eddie cut him off.

"Just hang on a second, Steve. I'm just trying to get a grip on my soul that successfully left my being when you answered" Steve could hear the words were doused in sarcasm at his expense, but he smiled anyway. 

"Ok, ok. Deserved. Sorry, Eddie, I didn't mean to scare you. Hello." Steve tries in a much calmer, softer tone.

"Now that's more like how we humans do it. Hello. I wasn't scared, by the way," Steve could hear the smile in Eddie's voice, and it made him shuffle back into the sofa cushions a little more, where he decided to try his own brand of teasing.

"You sure? You sounded pretty terrified, to be honest," Steve asks, in his best pretending to be concerned voice.

"No, I didn't! Did I?" Eddie played along, starting with an air of defiance before slipping into something that sounded like it had an accompanying pout. The thought of which sent Steve's brain into some sort of frenzy and accidentally triggered his humour centre.

"Yeah, you did. I haven't heard a scream that high-pitched since I went to a Backstreet Boys concert." Steve managed to get the sentence out through a huge grin and repressed laughter

"Ok, maybe you're right, but you know what I didn't do?" Eddie conceded before tagging on the question in a lower register.

"What's that?" Steve says, finally composing himself with a sigh.

"Out myself as fucking Backstreet Boys fan!" Eddie shouts down the phone. Steve can almost see him turning to stare wildly at his handset as he did so before moving it back to his ear to unleash a maniacal string of cackles. Steve could have let it go, but he enjoyed this little back-and-forth too much, so he played defensively.

"Ok, first of all, it was for Zee when she was younger. Do not tell her I told you that; definitely do not tell Morgan that. Secondly, it was alright. They had nice sweaters for one song." 

"Sweaters?!" Is all Steve hears from Eddie before the cackles start again, and there is a thud, which Steve can only imagine is him losing his grip on the phone. In hindsight, Steve could have played at being more insulted, but he just had the biggest smile on his face hearing Eddie laugh like that.

Then there was some rustling, and he could hear Eddie trying to stop laughing before his voice finally returned to the conversation. "Ok, ok. Jesus, I think I've ruptured something laughing so hard. Anyway, how about Wednesday for basketball? We're free all day, so whatever time suits you all best."

"Well, for me, I like training in the m-" Steve started to think out loud before a whine travelled right into his ear.

"Don't say that evil word to me, Steve, please. I don't like waking myself up at that time, never mind trying to rouse the teenbeast," Eddie pleaded for an ounce of clemency which Steve couldn't possibly resist giving.

"Oh yeah, you're right. Better make it afternoon, and you know what, that is perfect because we can have dinner later if you wanna stay for it?" Steve realised his voice had gone up several pep levels to his old organising playdates or the bake sale roles tone.

"Dinner after? Hold on a sec…." Steve heard a rustle over the line again and heard muttering that must have been Morgan, and then Eddie cleared his throat "yeah, that sounds great. We'll bring dessert. Any allergies or preferences?'

"Nope, you're good. What about you both?" Steve says quickly.

"Morgan is good, me…allergies include hard work, ballads, fully intact jeans, preferences oh wow, um, let's see… tall, nice legs, nice ass, a glorious- Ow! One second, sorry, Steve'' Again, what sounds like the receiver being covered, but this time extra rustling and a hiss.

"Everything alright, Eddie?" Steve asked, a little worried.

"Yeah, it's fine, just a pest buzzing around", Eddie chuckled.

"So Wednesday afternoon, then?" Steve double-checked to make sure he didn't get anything wrong, face the wrath of Zee, or worse, mess it all up for everyone by getting the day or time wrong.

"Yeah, just one more thing," Eddie said thoughtfully.

"What's that?"

"Do you think it's gonna be cold on Wednesday?"

"I mean, it's summer, Eddie. I doubt it. Why?" 

"Just wondering if I should bring a nice sweater."

"Oh fu-fudge off, Eddie" Steve ended the call with the sound of Eddie's cackles but with his own big smile as he shook his head. Only to feel a presence in the doorway, and his eyes darted towards it. It was Corey, tilting his head, his brow wrinkled but a confused smile on his face. Steve had thought he would almost get a conversation that day, but Corey had simply shrugged, grabbed the TV remote, and flopped down on the other sofa.

And now it was finally Wednesday, and Steve, just like Beans, should have nothing to worry about. It was his turf, his special interest, surrounded by all his comforts and everyday life. Maybe that's what was so scary? Letting people in like this, into all your stuff. What if they notice something you thought you'd papered over just fine, or they find their way into parts of the house you didn't want them to go and wanted them to stay in the areas for visitors? Steve didn't feel like he had much in the way of secrets or even had anything to hide. He had just grown used to not having other people in his home. No, that wasn't right. He's had plenty of parent gatherings and kids' parties here. He sits on the window seat next to beans to look out the huge bay window. It was because it was someone that knew him before, someone who noticed things, maybe noticed too much? 

He runs his hand over Beans' huge shaggy black fur, the repeating motion a comfort for both of them, "We'll be ok, Beans", he says softly, and the dog drops out of business mode, making a little high whistle noise and tilting her head at him. "You know, I think you're really gonna like them. One is a giant child. The other is…also a giant child" Steve laughs at his realisation, and Beans licks up the side of his face as her tail beats another seven hells out of the furniture. He ruffles her fur once more and gets to his feet. "Let's go check in with the kids and dinner. Maybe they'll even be some roast beef that accidentally falls into my hand when I check the food, hmmm?" At the word beef, the window might as well have disappeared because she circles Steve once and sits down with a thud, keeping perfect posture awaiting the next instruction, "Corey", he says simply. Beans runs top speed out of the bedroom and down the hall, causing waves in the hallway rug as she bounds down it, and sits herself outside a door at the other end of the hall, and he's about to follow her when he hears a shriek from upstairs, "DAAAAAAAD!!!"

Steve's leisurely pace down the hall is halted; he spins on his heel, and before he can make any decisions, he is taking the narrow winding staircase up, several at a time. He shoulder barges through the door to Mackenzie's room, dropped in a low stance of action, desperately trying to catch his breath as he frantically searches the room for his daughter and any interdimensional hell beasts or government agents. Armed with the only thing in reach as he rounded the staircase, a bound bunch of bamboo canes that were holding up some fairy lights that had now been ripped asunder. Finally, his eyes land on his daughter, whose tear-stained face slowly turns towards him, and he quickly tries to compute what's happened, which doesn't take long when she offers up her other hand to his eye line. It's holding a curling tong, in which is a single small section of hair that is no longer attached to Morgan's head. It's only then he smells the burning.

He drops the bamboo, rushes over to her, encapsulating her hiccuping face in his hands, and drops to his knees, frantically checking her over. "Oh, my god. Oh my god. Are you hurt? Lemme see, angel." He can see the roasted section of hair, but thankfully the breaking point seems some way down the length. By the grace of something out there, there are no burns on her head, face or hands. Once his assessment is done, and he can confirm she is just upset about the hair tragedy, he engulfs her in a big hug. It was to comfort Zee but also gave him a chance to steady his breathing. Steve eyes the offending curling tong and glares at it as if he had El's powers and could make it crumple in on itself with his mind. Unfortunately, he does not, but he has plans for that fucking thing, big plans!

He gently pulls away from Zee and checks her face, wiping her tears, "Hey honey", he soothes gently, "You ok? Big deep breaths, ok?" As she is still slightly hiccuping, an adorable feature of her saddest moments, he thinks. She nods minimally, and he knows though she isn't alright, she isn't spiralling any more. "Ok, you wanna tell me what happened?" She goes to turn to the mirror, and he turns her face back to him softly. "Eyes on me. Tell me, and together we'll figure it out, like always, ok?" She nods solemnly at the ground and starts speaking.

"So I woke up this morning and discovered mother nature had left me my monthly gift. After dealing with all that, I felt so down in the dumps I wanted to do something fun, maybe look cute today or something." A worried glance flicks up from her to Steve. Still, he just nods encouragingly for her to continue. "So I found this out of the cupboard, you know, that has some of Mom's old things in. I was doing ok, but I must have put on too much of something, and my hair got stuck. Then I could smell burning, and- and then" He can hear her voice start to crack again, so he squeezes her with his arm that is still around her, and it seems to work. "well, you saw what happened", her eyes shoot up to his, the shape is different but, they share the same pool of colour in their eyes. Steve had never admired the colour of his eyes until Mackenzie was born. Then, of course, whenever he looked into the mirror after that, that's all they reminded him of. "What am I gonna do, Daddy?" She says with a slump of her shoulders, and Steve had thought the days of that word were over. He was just Dad now. But that word, Daddy, from his kid, made him want to rush straight into whatever battle she wanted to point him at. A surge of protectiveness that only Bruce Banner morphing into The Hulk could have ever experienced courses through Steve.

"May I?" He says, lifting one hand towards the crispy-ended piece of hair still attached to her head. She nods, and he takes it in his fingers and pretends to burn them, "Oooh, hot stuff", he says, earning him a little eye roll and huff of a laugh. "Ok, I'm more than happy to call Eddie and cancel and take you to your chosen hair salon. They'll sort this all out."

She grips his arm with her hand, "No, please. Don't cancel. That would make the day even worse if I had to miss out on that too."

"Hmmm, ok then. Here's what I think. You tell me if you agree or not," They both make a singular nod at one another, "So I think, if we swap your parting over to the other side, we could hide it just fine. I can trim off the burnt part, then you wash your hair to eliminate the smell, and I'll help you with it if you like? If you're worried, we could even braid it to hide it a little more. Like Viking shield maiden hair?" He suggests with a smile before screwing up his face and throwing up the devil horns on his hands, growling, "Very metal!" making her tear-stained face erupt with that big smile, and the laughter spills out.

"Please don't ever do that again," She says between laughs, and Steve is comforted that she's back to her old self. He is so proud of her, "That sounds like a great idea, Dad."

Steve trims carefully at the hair and feels over it with his fingers ensuring only the non-crispy parts remain, and Zee leaves him to get ready for the second time today. Steve collects the offending hair-styling contraption, "I'll be back in twenty minutes, ok, Zee?" He yells in the direction of her bathroom and heads downstairs, puts on a saucepan of milk to warm up for a hot chocolate, checks the beef and veg, carves off a little meat for himself and Beans, and then walks out to the garage and shuts the door behind him.

He puts the curling tongs down onto the workbench purposefully. Then he puts on his safety glasses and gloves before selecting a medium-sized hammer, takes a deep breath, and beats the ever-loving Christ out of the fucking thing until it is just a heavily dented form of what it used to be. He then puts everything back exactly where it should go, takes up the remnants of the curling tongs, and dumps them in the trash with vigour before going back inside and recommencing making hot chocolate. "Hey, Cor! You want a hot chocolate, buddy?" He yells up the stairs.

"It's August!!!" Corey yells as he thunders down the stairs, Beans at his heels, dressed in his basketball kit, which often made Steve concerned about why when he was at school, the shorts were so short because clearly they could be made to be much longer and more comfortable. He got dates aplenty that way, but it still made him concerned.

"You haven't gotta have one, just making one for Zee and me and thought I'd extend the kindness to you also, your Lordship", Steve teases. 

Corey assesses the situation and asks, "Will there be any of those little marshmallows?" Steve opens the cupboard and checks, "They are indeed a possibility….for a price."

"Aren't I already doing the most today? I could be at Joel's, you know!"

"But ask yourself this: does Joel have access and ownership to a sack of mini marshmallows or a succulent roast beef dinner with all the trimmings?"

"No! But he does have Pizza pockets and a new wrestling game on the PlayStation," Corey says, hopping up on the counter and making Steve frown.

"There is a stool right there, next to your leg, you know."

"I know", Corey answers with his Mom's cheeky mega-watt smile as he swings his legs, making no effort to move to the stool, "So the price is?" Corey enquires, edging his way towards the bag of mini mallows.

"I mean, it's nothing, really. Just a conversation with your old man." Steve says innocently, earning an eye roll from his Son, who Steve had thought he had at least five more years of avoiding this kind of reaction from, but they just grew up so quickly these days.

"Alright then, but the whole top of the mug has gotta be like all mallows. Deal?" Corey spits in his hand and extends it to Steve, who grimaces and shakes his head.

"Wow! glad to see all that money in your education isn't going to waste. You're good on the handshake. Deal," Steve says, finally spooning in the cocoa. "So today-"

"I go out there to run rings around Ken's Barbie boy for thirty mins, help you out, come back in here, eat my dinner without complaint, be nice, and then I can go to my room. I believe that is everything?" Corey says, his fingertips walking into the opening of the mini mallows bag.

"Don't call her that, Cor. You know she hates it. Also, today is not the day to test her, ok? Just save all your little sibling remarks up for maybe, I dunno, five days from now?" Steve says, opening the cupboard and reaching behind the aesthetically pleasing identical colour cups, for a Pokémon mug, World's most amazing daughter, and an ancient mug with two small hand prints and 'Dad' painted on it. There is a crinkle of the bag, but by the time Steve turns around, his son looks very much like a hamster at feeding time. He sighs in defeat at the innocent, full-cheeked, mallow-decorated toothy grin he gets in return.

"Also, we're trying to help Morgan, ok? So we'll see what he's like out there before we run him into the ground, and no barging into him just because he's tall, ok? Basketball is not pro wrestling! It's a sport with finesse, structure, and tactics."

"Is your boyfriend coming too?" Corey asks with mischief. Steve spills a little of the steaming hot cocoa on his hand and masks a sharp breath, making Corey laugh, "Wow, just wow, Dad, really. You’d never make a spy."

"For your information. I do not have a boyfriend, but if I did or a girlfriend, that would be just fine and nothing to be embarrassed about. Also, I’d make a fantastic spy for your information." Steve says, grabbing the bag of mallows away from his son, only to be met with a full eyebrow raise.

"I'm eight, not blind. I saw you on the phone the other day. Giggling. Adults think they're so sly, but you're not. You're really very, very obvious. Painfully so." Corey says, folding his arms, "I've seen it all before."

"Where have you seen anything like that before, Professor Corey? Hmmm?" Steve says, pouring the mallows onto the cocoa and adding some whipped cream to Mackenzie's.

"Hey!! No fair"

"You said all mallows. You got all mallows!" Steve says finally.

"I saw it with Mom, with Val, and now you with the mega nerd" ah yes, Valentino Steve had initially suspected this was a nickname, but it turned out to be his real name. Not only that, but he lived up to his old Hollywood namesake too. Val might have been the most romantic guy Steve had ever witnessed. Not a day went by where he didn't shower Jenny with affection in words or actions, not two years ago and not now. She was head over heels for him, and Val worshipped the ground she walked on. Steve guessed he should be a little jealous, but he couldn't be. It was too hard to be jealous when someone you spent eleven years with was so happy finally when you'd seen them at their lowest and struggling. He was great with the kids, too. He never once trod on Steve's toes in the parenting aspect.

"Steven, I love Jenny, and I will protect your children like they were my blood with my life when you aren't around, but I accept they are not my children. I don't need to parent them. They have parents." he'd said when Steve had attempted to give him a shovel talk, but it was honestly deeply in vain because he was very charming…and handsome. Not the most charming or handsome guy Steve had ever met, but he was definitely on the list. Besides, there was no way this guy would do anything to make Jenny even raise an eyebrow with concern. He remembered going to pick the kids up once, finding him in tears outside. Valentino had been beside himself, running up the drive when he arrived, grabbing him by the shoulders, "Steven. Something terrible has happened. Jenny is losing her mind. You must do something, please" Steve ran into the house, concerned, only to find Jenny sitting, organising her diary quite happily. After much prying, it turned out Jenny had made an offhand comment about the fact she had put on a little weight and didn't feel as beautiful as she did when she was younger. Steve then had to spend an extra thirty minutes talking around Valentino.

"How exactly do you get away with calling anyone a mega nerd? You are part Gameboy at this point. Mr Roboto," Steve laughs and does a robot dance handing over the hot chocolate to Corey, who is already shaking his head.

"An' zis snooty little attitude is why we don't speak pa-pa," Corey says in a french accent, "Allez 'arico!" He says, hopping back down from the counter and Beans following him at his heel.

Steve heads upstairs with the two cocoa and almost forgets to pause at Zee's door. He knocks gently with his knuckle, "Honey, I got you some hot chocolate, and I can help with the braids if you want?"

"Come in!" She chirps, and her tone makes Steve's heart sing. Steve hands Zee her drink as she sits on the chair before her vanity, looking much happier than when he left her. Then, he picks up the wide tooth comb and gets to work on her hair.

"Feeling a little better?" He half smiles at her in the mirror, and she mirrors it with a nod, and honestly, Steve can't believe his luck, "It doesn't matter what happens. We will always find a way through it, ok honey?" He says gently before dropping into a voice he's picked up from MTV, "That's just how we do at Chez Harrington!" And the grateful grimace on Zee's face makes him laugh, "Well, alright then, maybe not that…Did you find anything in the music that you liked?" He smiles, splitting a section of hair into its soon-to-be braided counterparts.

"Um…yeah…about that…when is the last time you went through your records?" She says with a smirk taking a sip of her cocoa and getting a little blob of whipped cream on the tip of her button nose.

"Hmmm", Steve ties off one of the braids that runs along the side of Zee's head ", I listen to the CDs sometimes in the car."

"No, Dad, the records, the vinyl ones" She looks at him expectantly in the mirror as he makes a matching braid on the other side of her head.

"Oh, um, gosh, I don't know, probably not since I moved in with your mom, honestly. They were in grandma and grandpa's attic for a few years whilst we were finding our feet. Then they probably went straight into the attic here because I had a more extensive cassette collection by then. So maybe 1987," he says thoughtfully whilst making a false pompadour at the front of her hair with a twist, push and pin before gathering everything up into a high ponytail, "That look ok to you, honey? Not too much volume?" He asks, gently running some styling gel on his fingers and over the flyaways poking out of the braids.

"No, that's perfect, thank you, Dad" she smiles warmly at him in the mirror after looking it over in the mirror, "You can't even see it now" He puts his hands on her shoulders and squeezes them and beams at her proudly in the mirror. He hoped she knew she didn't have to pretend everything was alright if she didn't feel that way, but he was also proud of her resilience.

"He'd be lucky to know you, however you looked, you know. I know you think I'm biased, and I am, but you're a great kid, and I count my blessings every day I get to be your Dad."  He says, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek that she playfully squirms away from, making them both laugh.

"What about Corey?"

"What do you mean?"

"Do you count your blessings every day you're his Dad too?"

"Of course! Well, maybe not term time Monday mornings," he says with a wink, making them both chuckle, "If you're ok, I can finish off the dinner, so it's just keeping warm" She nods with a smile. As he gets to the door, she calls after him, "You know, Dad, you should really take a look through those records sometime. Plenty of hidden gems in them" Steve smiles and nods but is a little confused by the statement and can't help but wonder if Mackenzie is only talking about the music.

[authorofthemoon]

GENSHIN THEORY / POSSIBLE SPOILERS / FURINA KIT LEAKS

Okay so I just got Neuvillette and I started playing around with his kit and I started looking at his profile and I've realized something that is going to be keeping me up tonight. Now, I haven't played the story quest yet but and it might confirm this but I think that Neuvillette might be the real Hydro Archon and Furina is just a stand in / figurehead. This could also be a well known theory but I don't really go on theory discussions.

Now the first thing that tipped me off to this is Neuvillette's kit and how it's oddly similar to the Traveler's. If you don't know, Traveler's kit for a certain element is a lesser version of the Archon's which is clear when you compare them. Neuvillette's charge attack is similar to the Traveler's skill with a water gun / cannon type attack and also creates water droplets thst heal. That could also just be part of a new mechanic thought. I haven't looked too deeply into Furina's kit but I scanned it and it's pretty in depth but doesn't seem similar to Traveler's.

The second thing that tipped me off is that Neuvillette's profile and two things are off. Both his vision and constellation name both have a ??? where they should be. Now, we all know that he's the Hydro dragon so it makes sense that he doesn't have anything in vision, it's probably his own power l, but why is his constellation nameless? If you compare him to other characters, the Archons all say 'gnosis' instead of vision and it's the same in their story section. Notably, it does say vision in Neuvillette's but he also doesn't have one, so why is it there? Also, his constellation could very well be himself in his dragon form like how the others are themselves in their human form.

There are more similarities between him and the other archons. He has lines about the other archons, but they are labeled 'geo archon' instead of Morax. Also, all archons have a line about 'the visions' in reference to visions. Neuvillete has two with this same label and are also locked behind the archon quest and I don't want to anything up I like getting lines naturally.

Now on to a leak about Furina's splash art. Two notable things about it are, from what I remember, that she has a slightly different outfit which doesn't mean much and she has a vision. Now, Zhongli and Ventingave fake visions, but they're pretending to be people so why would she need one? I think when she comes out, the reveal that she is not the Hydro Archon will happen, so she actually does need a vision to fight.

On to Furina's fighting and I think this is highly important. Why was she scared to fight the Traveler? We joked about it and maybe she's the weakest, but she was so scared at the thought. Even Venti can put up a good fight. The answer is she's not that strong because she's not an archon. Neuvillete however has already shown to be very powerful, one shotting Childe.

It's also clear that Neuvillette does more for running Fontaine than Furina who puts on a performance for her people. Also, the Justice Machine (I can't remember it's actual name) was created by the archon. Coincidentally the JM and Neuvillete are always on the same page sans the Childe verdict. Also Furina has no idea what's going on with it, but Neuvillette probably does.

I also realized while using him, his hair glows or the horns he has does. Just like all the other archons during their burst. His idle animation again similar in that he controls Hydro in his hand. This would also explain something that's bothered me for a while which is the archon gender ratio being 5-2. It makes more sense to be 4-3. I thought that it was bc the Nahida might have been originally male, but this very much explains it.

If any of this holds up, the question is why? Why hide the true archons identity. A couple reason I can think of are one, to hide the gnosis from anyone who might be looking. Two, Neuvillete simply just believes he wasn't the right person to lead people, we've already seen he has trouble connecting to humans, so this is why he has Furina, someone who is charismatic and can sway human feelings with her huge personality. It makes sense as the queen, she's just a figurehead with no real power outside of public opinion. My theory is that she's some kind of oceanid which I think is already a running theory.

I don't know how much of this holds water, hehe, and some stuff might be inaccurate. If it's true I am terrified of the implications. This could be why Furina was so scared in the trailer, her voice at least. She's been cornered and in reality, she's not an archon.

Ugh I'm so excited to play the archon quest if this is the truth I'll be so validated and also it would be super valley of Hoyoverse to basically shadow drop the archon.

[guns-blazing]

Martlet as Justice propaganda

I already rambled about this in the commebts But!!! im gonna do it again because i <3 martlet!!

martlet is the #1 candidate for justice soul in UTY and i will die on this hill

sooo martlet as the judge i think is the part most people know

similar to sans, she appears in a required location on all three routes and judges your actions. and justice is pretty tied to judgment considering

so case closed she's justice

EXCEPT. she doesn't try to stop clover unless they're at the end of a vengeance route. what's up with that? oh man, and on a neutral route? she recognizes they killed monsters, maybe dozens of monsters, and she doesn't kill them. don't they deserve it?

DO they deserve it?

in almost every case, martlet doesn't think they do! she brings up how they're a scared child. on lesser lvs she views what they did as self defense. on higher lvs, she judges them a good person "deep down." which comes across as naive and undeserved when she's looking at a human one kill away from obliterating axis except she's right. when she judges that clover isn't going to shoot her, she's right. she spares clover on a gut feeling and her hope and it WORKS! before clover was just gonna kill asgore and take the souls but now they're stopping! all they needed was martlet to offer her love!

martlet delivers justice by, rather than deciding "murder is punishable by death," she looks at who clover is, what they did, why they must have done it, and then acts. she acts by offering clover a place where they won't need to fight anymore.

but, do they deserve it?

clover killed people. best case, they just blew up a jandroid and we can all pretend that ceroba and flowey were right about the robots not even being real. but martlet still forgives clover after they wrapped up a horrific murderous rampage. why do they deserve to live? why do they deserve to die? is taking their life or taking them in the best choice? how does she know they won't change their mind? how does she know they did change their mind? how can she bear to let them live when they decided all those others didn't deserve to? why does she get to make this choice?

is she just going to take care of them because they feel bad?

yeah, she will.

her justice isn't eye-for-an-eye. killing clover won't fix anything, and taking them in is risky, but she thinks it's just. she kind of reminds me of clover in pacifist. they're still upset about the five humans who died and it isn't fair or just, but in this route they come to understand why it happened. martlet is upset about the monsters clover killed, she doesn't know if this will work out, hell she's afraid of clover. and she weighs all of this against the facts and she understands why clover did what they did and her verdict is that this child does not deserve to die.

and then, of course, what about when they do? well, then she fights back. After fleeing from them. Twice. So Why did that TAKE HER SO LONG. she could have stopped them! her DT syringe would have stopped them at any point before the end! like, clover and WHAT piss blast? get zenithed idiot.

no but don't worry! clover can still turn it around! they have the chance to abort vengeance after her dunes cutscene, in the steamworks! it only takes them murdering starlo and ceroba and let's be real probably a bunch of robots too. but heyyy they changed their mind theyre not evil anymore it's okay guys :) not to mention they can abort it back in snowdin by saying sooorrry! and it works! she literally just leaves and yeah the game's technically not on vengeance anymore but like, you can still kill dozens of monsters! good job clover won't kill the king and take the human souls! people are still actively dying though!

when she flees in snowdin and again in the dunes, or when clover apologizes in snowdin, martlet's still judgemental, but she's not delivering justice, she just kind of. Says murder is bad and then ditches. i think this doesn't take away from her justness though... i think this is symptoms of two of her flaws: optimism and indecisiveness.

i think another post pointed this out, and i'll never find it now but: in neutral, martlet knows that asgore will kill clover when they talk on the rooftop. in pacifist, she doesn't. she thinks she can get through to him. it is clover killing monsters, or ceroba talking to her, or being face to face with asgore deciding to kill them, that makes her stop being naive and realize clover can't escape. that optimism helps her deliver justice!

(this is still in 1. i just had to insert an image) but in the case of a completed vengeance run... she doesn't stand up to clover soon enough. she just keeps hoping and hoping they'll change their mind. it's a double edged sword.

2. she's indecisive. really indecisive! and seemingly a little insecure on top of that!

(again still in 2.) she takes so long to decide to fight clover because she isn't confident in her decisions. you think YOU think she's a birdfailure? SHE thinks she's a birdfailure!!!!

she doesn't want to sit around and do nothing and hope clover turns their life around, she's torn up about it the whole time. she's just scared to take action. she wants to deliver justice and do the right thing but she's scared she'll pick the wrong choice. but she can't sit around forever. she goes out in a blaze of glory trying to stop clover from reaching asgore.

was that the right decision? did it actually do anything, or did it just make clover stronger? would it still be the right decision, if she didn't know what it would cause?

i don't know! it doesn't seem like she knows either! justice is confusing!

speed round time look at these cases of martlet embodying justice where she doesn't just look at what clover's doing but why they're doing it!

she wakes up and clover's killed ceroba and she defends them! she wants there to be a better option, she questions if killing ceroba was really the best outcome, but from what she can see, clover's decision was one of panicked self-defense.

when you i CANNOT bring this up enough this is my FAVORITE UNDERTALE YELLOW FACT when you SWITCH BETWEEN FIGHT/SPARE in her regular snowdin fight she ENDS THE BATTLE because she DOESNT KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING, there is truth in justice and she CANNOT figure out the truth of what you are DOING.

martlet's sense of justice isn't as black and white as, for example, every single other uty character. she's really the only character who acknowledges the human's kills, is upset about it, and still offers them forgiveness. hell, even in undertale, the only characters to do that are papyrus ONLY in geno and undyne ONLY in pacifist neutral! martlet sees the world like this all the time! nobody is doing justice like her!

she can be too optimistic and is indeed really indecisive, which deals a blow to how effective the justice she deals out is. but out of anyone, she embodies the trait of justice the best.

...what? clover? don't be silly, they're kindness.

WHAT UNDERTALE HUMAN SOUL WOULD THEY HAVE?

[whumpshaped]

For your consideration: the devil having some demon guests over for dinner :). And showing off whumpee as entertainment :). (I can't put emojis because this is my computer but it's angel in training anon, so pretend there's a lil froggy)

Also in love with the idea of how whumper will treat his guests more courteously than whumpee, whereas whumpee is treated... like whumpee. Maybe whumper makes whumpee kneel and kiss the boots of each guest as they enter...

trigger warnings: multiple nonhuman whumpers, humiliation, conditioned whumpee, dehumanization, implied torture, whumpee being shared with others, boot kissing, royal setting

"Are you going to be a good pet for my guests?" The Devil's hand was in their human's hair, gently scratching their scalp and letting them relax before the evening started.

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"Remember all the rules we talked about?"

"Yes, Your Majesty."

"Good. Such a good pet."

The human tried to savour those last few moments of peace and quiet, but it came to an end way too quickly. The doors opened and the most noble of the demons entered, one by one, announced by some lesser servant.

The Devil pulled their hand back and sent their pet over, who obediently crawled over to the door and bowed to the first of many demons they were told to greet. "Welcome, Your Grace," they said dutifully before pressing a kiss to one, and then two boots, trying not to show how ashamed they were. The taunting of the guests certainly didn't help, but they tried to tune it out, only focusing on a single boot at a time.

"How well-trained for a human."

"How eager to humiliate themself."

"Humiliate? They should be happy that they get to kiss my boots."

"Oh come on, they're probably used to the fine leather shoes of Their Majesty."

"How is it? Serving Their Majesty directly?"

The human kept their head bowed, too worried that their expression would give either the guests of their owner a reason to punish them. "I-It's a great privilege, Y-Your Grace. I c-couldn't be luckier."

"No..." A hand suddenly grabbed their face and forced them to look up, exposing the deep blush and the dried tear tracks. "I want to know the truth. How is it?"

"I'm t-telling the truth," they whimpered, earning themself a harsh slap across the face.

"Are they as cruel as the rumours say? Are they merciless? Tell me the actual truth, lowly human, I'm not interested in your rehearsed lines."

"I would n-never dare speak of Their Majesty behind their back, Your Grace."

"And what a wise decision that is," the Devil sounded from alarmingly near, making the demon spin around to face them. "Maybe you could learn from them."

"Me? From a human? Your Majesty, your sense of humour is just as sharp as it used to be a millenia ago."

The Devil grinned. "I understand you would like to know if I'm as cruel and merciless as the Monarch of Hell should undoubtedly be. Why you would ask my pet instead of me is beyond me, however. Surely you don't expect them to reveal a secret, softer side that I've kept well hidden for all these years?"

"I would never dream of such gossip, but they do seem to be treated better than I expected."

The Devil motioned for their pet to crawl to the centre of the room, and they obediently did so, relieved for just a moment to be away from the scene of the interrogation before they noticed that the two of them were following along. "My dearest duke, why don't you show me how you would treat a human? I'm sure the display would provide plenty entertainment for all of us during dinner." The human let out a scared whine when they realized all eyes were on them, and none were particularly empathetic. "I promise I'll hide my love for them for the night, and won't stop you under any circumstances."

[eldritch-spouse]

The Admin actually not being insane? Like they didn't get bloodthirsty and insane because of Krulu. They don't enjoy the Clergy, but they don't have a choice. They are a victim like all other humans there, only diffrence they have a small amount of authority.

While the insane Admin obviosly likes the staff, this one hates them.

They berate and insult each monster, Borderline getting violent. They're not friends and never will be. But they hate Krulu the most. They wish they could help the humans there but what can they do? Barely anything.

They stopped insulting Patches because je enjoyed it a little too much :/

They can't really harm Nebul, well not with weapons and such. Maybe magic but no way will Krulu give you that. So instead you insult him, calling the wraith all sorts of names. On particular bad days you get extra close to him, to overfeed him negative emotions

You almost cut off Santi's dick

Grimbly tries to be cute with you but you just use his mommy issues against him

Morell tried to give you food.... you threw it at his face :(

Gallon doesn't have it much better, you steal his drinks

Vinnel almost died, that's how much you hate him. Doesn't get close to you after that

You are most cruel to Ludwig

But to Fasma you somewhat nice. You don't like him but won't be mean to him. You sometimes talk to him, actually being nice.

Each day you become more and more miserable. They try to ignore what is actually happening in the clergy to keep what little sanity and will to keep going have. Krulu won't let them die, so they just block everything out.

Even when Krulu threatens you with the death of self, it doesn't bother you. You tell him straight to his face that it doesn't scare you, he doesn't scare you. You encourage him to erase your light, because then you'll be truly free from him

But alas he won't do it, for as much he fools himself, the Admin knows that they don't need Krulu, the god needs you. For that you call him pathetic.

Yet if he did erase the Admin, it would hurt him more than it would you.

He doesn't say it but he craves your love. When you feel extra cruel, you pretend you actually love him. Praise him. Worship him. Yet in the next moment you go back to treating as he was nothing.

Oh my god this got way too long...

I love this from an angst point of view.

But I think you'd just die in this scenario. You may be Krulu's vessel, but you could never be Admin. Admin's role is to bring the team together, and keep everything cohesive, you can't do that if you berate and harm your coworkers, Krulu will faster seal you away because your presence only disrupts the flow of work and he is adamant that the establishment be in peak performance at all times.

The reason I made Krulu's host very clearly insane from early on is because it's the only thing that'll save the relationship between you and Krulu. It's what allows you to be granted the role of Admin later on. If the mental click where you get infafuated doesn't happen very early on, then Krulu won't fall for you, and you won't be anything more than a doll to him. Hence, erasing your self won't weigh on his consciousness at all since you were never more than a stubborn lesser to him. In fact, I'd go as far as to say he'd look into getting a new host.

He needs an Admin he can work with. And he will have one, no matter what it takes.

But bravo, I love this!

[hannahhook7744]

I'm sorry brother:

Summary; Hans' favorite and kindest brother's letters to him over time.

Dear Hans,

Why little brother? Why did you do it? Why did you have to go and try and steal Arendelle's throne? Why did you try to kill Queen Elsa and her sister? You were supposed to be better than that! Better than our brothers. Better than Father! But instead you went and committed several atrocities and for what?! A silly little crown that you didn't even need! You didn't need a crown to be great! You were already great! So tell me, why did you do it? What happened to you? This isn't who you are. Who you were. What happened to that sweet little boy who I used to read to and tuck into bed? What happened to the little boy who use to hide behind my legs at balls and council meetings? To the little boy who cried whenever a horse got hurt? How did he become this, this monster? Tell me. Tell me! Maybe I can help you. Maybe I can convince father or Caleb to give you a lesser sentence or get mother to talk him into it. Maybe I can save you a lesser sentence if you just tell me -- if you give me a good reason to do so. Please . Please give me a good reason. Please tell me...

Was it worth it?

Sincerely, your brother, Lars.

❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄❄

Dear Hans,

I know you got my last letter. You can't pretend that you get it. You can't ignore this-- ignore me. I'm the only one trying to help you out right now. The least you can do it work with me here! Caleb wants to have you whipped! And we BOTH know father will allow it if we don't come up with a good enough reason in his eyes. So. Talk. To. Me.

--sincerely, your very tired brother, Lars.

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Dear Hans,

Little brother, father and are brothers are getting very very impatient waiting for your response. And you know how they get when they're impatient. So please, for your safety, please respond. I need something to tell them because I fear that they might kill you this time. And we both know that we are the weakest and that they are strong,violent,and stubborn. So please, for the love of God. Just answer. I can't stand hearing what they're planning for you anymore. I haven't seen them this angry since the twins ran away when you were 15. And you remember what happened then. I'm trying to help you, not harm you. So, please respond.

Sincerely your very scared, exhausted, and annoyed OLDER brother, Lars.

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Dear Hans,

I'm sorry. God I'm sorry. I understand now. I met the Queen and her sister and the changeling her sister is courting. They told me about the Trolls. I can't believe the former king and Queen of Auardon trusted bloody Trolls! Everyone knows they can't be trusted! They even told me that the changeling took Princess Anna to the Trolls so that they could help. Of all the idiotic, ridiculous ideas-- EVERYONE KNOWS that the Trolls are selfish creatures who don't think about what others want. They're short sighted. They must have done this to you. It would explain your sudden change in behavior and your recent action. Why you haven't responded to my letters and why you tried to kill Queen Elsa and her sister when you've always blanched at the thought of unnecessary violence before. Our men said your personality shifted after you returned from your failed attempt at capturing and convincing the Queen to thaw out Auardon. Don't worry brother, I'll get you out of this. Even if you can never step foot in Auardon again-- even if they'll never believe that your innocent-- I'll get you out of this. I'll clear your name and rid you of this curse. I promise.

--Sincerely, Your very relieved brother, Lars.

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Dear Hans,

I have some good news for once. Father and the others aren't angry at you anymore. Well, not completely. They're still angry that you were 'weak' enough to get cursed in the first place, but the punishment they're gonna give you is alot more lenient and merciful by their standards. It's even strangely kind considering that they know you love horses. You're going to be mucking out the stables and caring for the horses for the next few years. The Arendellen people aren't pleased in the slightest but I can't find it in myself to care. Not when you're safe from the creative punishments our family was gonna put you through. Not when I know you're innocently and that their royal family is at fault for you being cursed. God, I wish I never volunteered you to go there. Or that I at least had gone with you. I'm sorry little brother, I'm sorry. I'll never let anyone hurt you again.

Sincerely, Lars.

P.s. Lottie says you can move into our wing of the castle. You've always been her favorite, so it's not that surprising. She and the kids miss you alot. We await your arrival eagerly. Stay safe.

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Dear Hans,

I'm sorry. We tried to stop Auardon from taking you. We did. We tried. Ottis even punched one of them-- OTTIS-- and Esmery cursed them out! But they wouldn't listen to reason. We tried to tell them that you were cursed and that it was the Trolls fault and that they could check, but they didn't listen. I don't even think they cared. Arendelle has never believed us so they weren't any help but we aren't gonna let that stop us. I promise. We'll get you out of there. In the meantime, the twins (I heard they're going by the Stabbington brothers now) have agreed to watch out for you over there. Yeah, they're going to the isle too, though the heroes of their story protested against it since they've apparently become friends now. We're gonna try and get them out too but right now you're the priority since you'll probably die over there with you immune system.

Sincerely, Lars.

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Dear Hans,

There's a secret group of people who are against the isle now. I believe you know one of them. Her name's Anastasia Tremaine. Your new wife's sister. Congrats on the marriage by the way. I'm sorry I couldn't attend. Ottis, Esmery, their wives, Lottie, and I tried once we got your invite but Beast wouldn't allow it. God, I hate that smug son of a bitch so much. I wish I could punch him in his stupid smug face like he deserves. He reminds me of father too much. I pray that he never has children, don't you? Well, I have to go, father's calling and I have a meeting with Anastasia and the others in an hour, but I promise I'll write again soon. Tell the twins I miss them and will see them soon. I hate this one letter per bouage shit. I wish I could send more than that. Be good to your wife and stay safe-- all of you. Don't let the twins push you around too much. Love you.

Sincerely, Lars.

P.s. Lottie had another baby and Father's sick.

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Dear Hans,

Father's finally croaked and Caleb is king now. Not much has really changed except that the punishments against children are less harsh now. And the punishments against child abusers are harder now. I think he feels gulity. Not that he'd admit it. The younger kids keep asking where you went. I don't know what to tell them. How can one explain such a horrid idea to children who have been raised to think that the world is fair? I wish you were hear. You'd know how to sooth them... they're still rounding up villians, you know? Not even big villians either. They're rounding up henchmen and petty thieves now too. What is the world coming to? I'm starting to see why you stopped seeing the good in things, little brother. Have you always felt this empty and disappointed? I can see why it was easy for the Trolls to corrupt you if you have. I probably would have crumbled under their spell, too, if I had felt like this as you did when they attacked you and our men. I'm sorry it took so long for me to see it.

Sincerely, Lars.

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Dear Hans,

We got your letter. Tell the twins we said congrats on the new babies. What was it they named them? Cormac and Iggy? What odd names. Did they choose them for sentimental reasons or did they like the meaning? And how are you? How's Drizella? How's the pregnancy going? Anastasia's is going great. She and Jacob are thinking of naming it after her father. I'm not sure which father she's thinking about since she had two, but I still think it's nice. Also,Lottie wants to name ours after you. Is it okay if we do so? It's okay if you say no. Stay safe and write again soon.

Sincerely Lars and Lottie.

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Dear Hans,

Little Hans jr has arrived in the world and can't wait to meet you. Little Anthony has also arrived in the world and can't wait to meet you and Drizella, and his granny. He and your namesake seem to get along great already. I'm sure they're gonna be the best of friends? When's Drizella's due date? The others and I are planning on sending more baby stuff over for you and the twins. Even Caleb! I really think everything's gonna be okay between us all after we get you guys out of there!

Sincerely, Lars and Lottie.

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*5 years later*

Oh god Hans, They took Anastasia and her children away. They up and took her. Even though she was didn't even commit any crimes other than being mean to her stepsister under her sister and mother's duress. They took 3 innocent children to the isle. Away from their father. Jacob's distraught. Ella's distraught. Kit's distraught. They took Kit's brother, James, away too. They aren't listening to us. We don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. This is fucked. How am I supposed to fix this? I don't know if I can fix this. I'm starting to think they're serious about never letting another crime occur here in Auardon and about never letting you out. What am I supposed to do?

Lars.

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*12 years later *

Dear Little brother,

Please answer me. I'm sorry for whatever I did to make you angry. It must have been bad because the twins and Ana aren't responding to me either. I don't know what I did. Please tell me. I want to make it right. I'll do anything to make it right. Please. Please just answer me.

Yours truly,Lars.

P.s. Lottie's pissed.

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Dear Hans,

I saw your youngest on the news today. Why didn't you tell me she was coming to Auardon? I know you've been angry at me these past two years but isn't this a little obsessive? I mean, the silent treatment is painful enough but you not even bothering to tell me that one of children-- a 9 year old at that-- was coming to Auardon is just a low blow. I could have been there to greet her! Lottie's really upset. She even cried about it. I can't remember the last time I saw her cry. Also, what on earth have you been feeding her? She looks so thin. She's smaller than you were! She and Lina and the others are gonna send her and her friends some care packages. Why are are all so thin? Are you that thin again? I think I might go pay her a visit as well. The kids all really want to meet their cousin. The fact that they have so many cousins that they haven't even met yet-- girl ones at that-- is driving them up the wall. You know how they are. But yeah. You really gotta stop with the silent treatment. Especially now that the kids can actually meet eachother.

Sincerely, Lars.

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Dear Hans,

I met Dizzy in person today. She's so beautiful. And sweet when she stopped being angry. She's alot like you were before the whole troll debacle. She told me what happened. It sounds like she didn't know that we knew and tried to fix it. She knows which ones didn't try and fix it for sure though. I think she inherited Anastasia's temper somehow. She was so bitter and angry.i can't say I blame her. I'm sorry brother. I'm sorry we didn't do more. And I'm sorry that I've spent the last two years hating you for ignoring me when you weren't. I'm sorry I couldn't take care of her and Anthony. I'm sorry I couldn't save you and the kids. And Ana and Rudi and Runo. I'm sorry that I didn't know you were dead. I'll try and make up for it now but I don't think I can. But We all miss you and we're all gonna try and do the right thing. I hope you caught a break in the afterlife, at least. I hope you've found the peace you'll always deserved. I think this is the last letter I'm gonna right to you. From now on, when I want to talk, I'm just go and visit your grave like I should have been doing these past two years.

Goodbye little brother.

P.s. it's Lars if you didn't know and you'll all be getting a proper funeral and proper gravestones.

(Yes Tiana's friend married Lars. Cause I said so. My friend @eahravinqueen gave me the idea)