#they got me through some of the worst YEARS of my life

[nameless-ken]

The Things Better Left Unsaid - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Just an idea that came into my head that I wanted to get out. Debating on if I should do a part two to this. Let me know if I should!

words: 4.2k

warnings: mostly angst and fluff, best friends pining after each other

masterlist

You and Bucky had always been a team, growing up on the same street, your bedroom windows perfectly aligned across from one another. It started with the two of you tapping on the glass with tiny fists, trying to get each other’s attention. Later, it became the flicker of flashlights and shadow puppets against your curtains during late-night talks. By the time you met Steve Rogers in first grade, your trio was inseparable. Steve, small and scrappy, needed the kind of loyalty only you and Bucky could provide. Together, the two of you made sure no one would to mess with him.

Rumors were inevitable. By the time middle school rolled around, your moms were already joking about how you and Bucky were “destined” for each other. “One day, you’ll be Mrs. Barnes,” Bucky’s mom would tease, making you roll your eyes while your cheeks burned. In high school, the rumors took a life of their own. Some kids whispered about you and Bucky being secretly together; others claimed it was Steve. Some even spun stories about the three of you.

Whenever Bucky caught wind of it, he was quick to shut it down. “Platonic soulmates exist, you know,” he’d say, grinning in a way that dared anyone to argue. But it stung more than you’d admit, hearing him say it so definitively, as if he could never think of you as anything but a friend.

Then came sophomore year, when Bucky got into his first real relationship. The rumors died almost instantly, replaced by whispers of envied girls who wished they were in her shoes. For you, it was harder. Bucky, who had always been your partner for Friday night movie marathons and Sunday bike rides into town with Steve, suddenly wasn’t there anymore. He started skipping out on your traditions, forgetting dates and moments that had once felt sacred. Even Steve’s sixteenth birthday—a day you both had planned together since middle school—slipped through Bucky’s fingers. Steve didn’t forgive him easily for that, and neither did you.

When the relationship ended, Bucky came back, knocking on your window one Friday night like no time had passed. You and Steve teased him relentlessly about his absence, but deep down, you were just relieved to have him back. It wasn’t long before everything felt normal again—or as normal as it could be when your feelings for him started to shift.

The memories were countless, small and scattered like pieces of a puzzle that made up your childhood. There was the time in seventh grade when Bucky punched Tommy Matthews for stealing your lunch, even though it got him grounded for a week. Or the summer before high school, when you dared him to climb the old oak tree in your backyard, and he fell, breaking his arm. “Don’t tell Mom,” he’d begged through gritted teeth, laughing even as you panicked.

There were lighter memories, too: sneaking into the corner store for candy, getting caught and sweet-talking your way out of trouble; late-night snowball fights that ended with you shivering in Bucky’s too-big coat; and the time you, him and Steve decided to play hooky from school, spending the whole day reading comics on the roof of Steve’s garage.

But somewhere along the way, things changed. Bucky’s smile started to make your stomach flip, and the way he casually threw an arm around your shoulders as you walked down the school hallways left you buzzing for hours. The worst were the nights when you snuck into his room like you always had, curling up beside him and talking nonsense until the early hours. Those nights, your heart ached with the weight of everything unsaid, knowing it would never be more than this.

Senior year brought it all to the surface. The shared glances that lasted a beat too long, the playful teasing that felt like something more, the way your heart raced every time he called his “doll”. You didn’t mean for it to happen, to fall so deeply for your best friend. But now, as graduation loomed closer, the thought of leaving Brooklyn—of leaving him—was unbearable.

Steve, of course, had known all along. He had a knack for seeing what neither of you could. “You’re both idiots,” he’d scream inside his head, rolling his eyes every time he caught you staring at Bucky like he hung the stars in the sky. He tried everything to get you to confess—little nudges, not-so-subtle hints—but the fear of ruining what you had kept you silent. Bucky, for all his confidence, seemed just as scared.

One evening, as the three of you sat on Bucky’s porch and as the sun set and the street lights flickered on, the weight of the future settled between you. The silence stretched, heavy with words none of you could say.

“I’m gonna miss this,” you said softly, staring at the street you’d known your whole life.

“Me too,” Bucky murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. Steve stayed quiet, his head faced the ground as he kicked around a rock. 

You turned and looked at Bucky, searching his face for something—anything—that might give him away. But Bucky, as always, was impossible to read. Instead, he smiled, the same boyish grin that had made you fall for him in the first place.

“Come on,” he said, standing and offering you a hand and patting Steve’s shoulder. “Let’s make one last memory before we grow up.”

And just like that, all three of you were kids again, racing down the street under the glow of the streetlights, holding on to the fleeting magic of everything you couldn’t say.

The night air was crisp as the three of you ran, laughter echoing through the quiet neighborhood. It was like stepping back in time—back to a world where nothing mattered except the moment. Steve led the way, his small frame surprisingly quick, while Bucky stayed close by your side, glancing back to make sure you were keeping up.

“Where are we even going?” you called out as your breathed heavily, not being much of a runner. 

Steve turned around, jogging backward with a mischievous grin. “To the park, obviously! Last one there owes the other two milkshakes!”

“You’re already losing, Rogers!” Bucky shouted, picking up speed and tugging your arm. “Come on, doll, we can’t let him win.”

The nickname made your heart stumble, but you pushed the thought aside, focusing on the sound of your feet hitting the pavement. Bucky’s hand stayed wrapped around yours, warm and steady.

When you finally reached the park, Steve was sitting smugly on a swing, his hands gripping the chains as he swayed lazily. “Looks like I’m getting two milkshakes,” he said, his grin wide.

“You cheated,” Bucky accused, bending over with his hands on his knees, pretending to catch his breath. “Short legs like yours don’t move that fast without some trickery.”

“Maybe you’re just slow,” Steve shot back with a laugh.

You sat on the other swing, the cool metal chains biting into your palms. The park looked exactly as it had when you were kids—the worn-down merry-go-round, the old slide with a dent at the bottom, the same creaky swings where the three of you had spent so many afternoons.

“Remember when Steve dared you to jump off the swings while it was still moving?” you said, looking at Bucky.

He laughed, the sound sent a shiver down your spine. “Yeah, and I ended up with a sprained ankle. Mom grounded me for a week.”

“And you still tried to climb the fence two days later,” Steve added, shaking his head. “You’re lucky you didn’t break your neck.”

“Please, I knew what I was doing,” Bucky said, sitting on the swing next to yours. “Mostly.”

You laughed, the memory warm and familiar. “What about the time we tried to build a treehouse in Steve’s backyard? We didn’t even make it past the ladder.”

Steve groaned, covering his face. “Don’t remind me. My mom was so mad when we nailed those boards to the tree. She said we’d kill ourselves before we even got it halfway up.”

“Good times,” Bucky said, leaning back on his swing, his legs stretching out in front of him. His gaze drifted upward, to the stars peeking through the leaves. “Feels like yesterday.”

“Yeah,” you said softly, following his gaze. “It does.”

The three of you fell into a comfortable silence, the kind that only came with years of knowing each other.

Steve broke the silence, his voice quieter than usual. “You know, no matter where we all end up, this’ll always be home.”

Bucky nodded, his expression thoughtful. “Yeah. It’s gonna be weird, though. Not seeing you guys every day.”

Your chest tightened at the thought. Graduation was supposed to be exciting, but all you could think about was how different everything would be. Steve, with his dreams of art school. Bucky, with his plans to join the military. And you, still unsure of where you fit into the world.

“Hey,” Bucky said suddenly, nudging your arm. “We’ll figure it out. Always do, right?”

You smiled, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes. “Yeah. Always.”

Steve stood, brushing off his jeans. “Alright, enough of this sappy stuff. Let’s go get those milkshakes. And Bucky, you’re paying. I don’t care what you say—I won.”

Bucky groaned, but he followed, muttering something about “rigged games” as the three of you headed back toward the main street. His shoulder brushed against yours as you walked, and for a fleeting moment, it felt like everything would be okay.

But deep down, you knew this night was a goodbye to the way things used to be.

Your room was chaotic. Open boxes were scattered across the floor, half-filled with a mix of clothes, books, and trinkets you couldn’t quite decide whether to keep or leave behind. The walls, once plastered with posters and photos, were bare, the room already beginning to feel like it belonged to someone else. You sat cross-legged in the middle of the mess, holding an old photo of you, Bucky, and Steve from eighth grade.

You sighed, setting the photo down on top of a box labeled Memories. The future was coming on too fast and it felt like you were leaving more behind than you were taking with you.

There was a knock on your bedroom door frame. You looked up to see Bucky standing there, his hands shoved into his jacket pockets.

“Your mom said you might need some help,” he said, his tone light but his eyes soft, searching yours.

You forced a smile, brushing a stray piece of hair from your face. “You’re brave to volunteer. It’s like a war zone in here.”

He stepped in, carefully maneuvering around the boxes. “Guess I better get familiar with it. I’ll be seeing places like that soon.” Bucky tried to joke and failed as your small smile disappeared. 

Bucky ignored it and moved further into your room. He picked up a stack of books, glancing at the spines. “Still got all those Jane Austen novels, huh?”

You rolled your eyes. “Don’t act like you weren’t the one who borrowed Pride and Prejudice and never gave it back.”

He grinned, setting the books down. “What can I say? Darcy’s got some moves.”

The easy banter settled the tension slightly. Bucky crouched next to you, reaching for a smaller box labeled Miscellaneous. As he opened it, his hand stilled, pulling out a small, faded flashlight.

“No way,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

Your breath caught. You hadn’t seen that flashlight in years. It was the same one he’d used to flash messages to you across the street when you were kids, the one that had started all your late-night talks.

“I can’t believe you kept this,” he said, turning it over in his hands, his thumb brushing against the worn surface.

You shrugged, trying to keep your voice steady. “I guess I couldn’t let it go. It’s… kind of important.”

Bucky looked up at you then, his expression unreadable but intense, like he was trying to memorize your face. “Yeah,” he said softly. “It is.”

The air between you shifted, heavy with everything unsaid. His knees brushed yours as he sat back, still holding the flashlight. You could feel the weight of his gaze, and your heart started to race, a nervous, uneven rhythm.

“Bucky…” you started, but your voice faltered when his hand rested on the floor, so close to yours you could feel the heat of his skin.

“Yeah?” he said, his voice quieter now, his eyes locked on yours.

For a moment, it felt like the world stopped. Everything in your room faded, the only thing you could focus on was him—the curve of his jaw, the way his lips parted slightly like he wanted to say something. You leaned forward just an inch, drawn to him like you always were, the space between you shrinking.

But then he pulled back, just enough to break the moment. He cleared his throat, his hand retreating as he set the flashlight gently back into the box.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do,” he said, forcing a grin that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

You nodded quickly, blinking away the haze of the moment. “Yeah. Right. Lots to pack.”

The next few minutes passed in silence, both of you busying yourselves with the boxes, avoiding each other’s eyes. But the tension lingered but neither of you brave enough to name it.

When Bucky finally left, hours later, you stood at the window and watched him walk down the sidewalk and up his porch before he disappeared into his house. For a moment, you thought about calling him back, about saying the words that had been on the tip of your tongue all night. But you didn’t. Instead, you stood there, clutching the flashlight in your hands, the weight of everything unsaid pressing heavy on your chest.

The sound of laughter echoed through Bucky’s house. The kitchen was alive with your mom and Bucky’s mom chatting as they prepared trays of finger sandwiches and fruit platters, while Steve’s mom fiddled with the coffee maker, muttering about how much caffeine a morning like this required. The living room buzzed with excitement as younger siblings and cousins darted between the adults.

You stood at the top of the stairs, peering down at the chaos with a soft smile. Bucky’s house had always felt like a second home, and today, with all your families crowded together, it felt just like how it did growing. Your mind drifts off, reminiscing about all the holidays celebrated here, missing the simplistic and nostalgic feelings of those days. 

“Hey, don’t linger. You’re the one who insisted on wearing heels,” Steve teased as he passed you, nudging your shoulder.

You rolled your eyes but followed him down the hall to Bucky’s room, where the man himself was standing in front of the mirror, frowning at his reflection.

“This stupid tassel keeps flipping the wrong way,” Bucky grumbled, swiping at it like it had personally offended him.

“Here, let me,” you said, stepping up to fix it. Your fingers brushed against his shoulder as you adjusted the tassel, and he stilled for a moment before offering a soft “Thanks.”

Steve flopped onto the edge of the bed, adjusting his cap. “Man, this thing is itchy,” he muttered, tugging at the collar of his robe.

Bucky smirked, stepping back to inspect himself in the mirror. “It’s supposed to feel uncomfortable. It’s a reminder that we’re about to enter the real world where everything is worse.”

You rolled your eyes, swatting his arm. “You’re such an optimist, Barnes.”

“Hey, I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking,” Bucky replied with a grin, though his expression softened as his eyes darted between you and Steve. “But seriously… I just wanted to say something before we head out.”

You and Steve both turned to him, the lightheartedness fading away. Bucky hesitated, rubbing the back of his neck as he searched for the right words.

“I’m glad I had you two with me through all of this,” he said finally, his voice quieter than usual. “It hasn’t always been easy, but… I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Couldn’t have made it without you guys.”

Steve, ever the sentimental one, stood and clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “You’ve always had us, Buck. And you always will.”

Your throat tightened as you looked at them both, your best friends who had been by your side through every high and low. “We’re a team,” you said softly. “Always have been. Always will be.”

For a moment, the three of you just stood there, the weight of the day settling over you. It wasn’t just a graduation; it was the end of an era, the closing of a chapter that had defined so much of your lives.

Steve broke the silence first, letting out an exaggerated groan. “Alright, enough of this sappy stuff. Let’s graduate before I start crying.”

You laughed, and Bucky grinned, the tension easing as he reached over to nudge your arm. “Yeah, we can’t have Rogers blubbering in the middle of the ceremony.”

Steve shot him a mock glare. “Don’t push your luck, Barnes.”

The three of you laughed as you headed downstairs, your hand brushing against Bucky’s briefly as you walked side by side. Downstairs, the laughter and chatter of your families wrapped around you like a warm embrace, and for a moment, the future didn’t feel so uncertain.

Today, at least, you had this—your friends, your family, and a shared sense of belonging, that you grasped onto for these fleeting moments. 

The auditorium hummed with energy, a crowd full of proud families and eager graduates filling every seat. The stage at the front was adorned with banners and bouquets in your school colors, the polished wood gleaming under the bright lights.

You filed into your seat with your classmates, the rustle of gowns and the low murmur of voices filling the space as everyone settled in. Bucky was in the first row, his posture relaxed, but the subtle tapping of his foot against the floor betrayed his nerves. Two rows behind him, you gripped the program in your lap like a lifeline, the mix of excitement and bittersweet anticipation settling in your chest. Steve sat three rows behind you, his cap slightly askew as he leaned back in his chair, as he tapped his finger against his thigh, a nervous habit he’s had since forever ago. 

The opening speaker took to the podium, their voice cutting through the loud whispers. Stories were shared, advice was provided, and promises of bright futures were offered. 

It was when your gaze fell to the back of Bucky’s head that you noticed him shift slightly. He turned, just enough to catch your eye, and smiled softly. It wasn’t his usual cocky grin or a teasing smirk—it was the kind of smile that spoke volumes without a single word. A smile that was just for you.

Your breath caught, the tightness in your throat making it impossible to return the smile properly. When he winked, the simple gesture filled you with warmth, mingled with the ache of knowing everything was about to change. You managed a shaky smile before he turned back around, your heart racing throughout the rest of the ceremony. 

One by one, names were called, followed by applause and cheers as each graduate crossed the stage. 

As your name was called, you rose, your legs trembling slightly as you made your way to the stage. The moment felt surreal—hands shaking yours, the weight of the diploma in your hands, the cheers from your family echoing in your ears. As you walked back to your seat, your gaze briefly met Bucky’s again, and the pride in his eyes made your chest tighten all over again.

When the last name was called, the room erupted into applause. The principal gave the final cue as caps flew into the air, a chaotic flurry raining down.

You wove through the groups of familiar faces you’ve spent the last 18 years with, searching for the two people who meant the most to you. Spotting Bucky and Steve wasn’t hard—Bucky stood tall and Steve’s blond head was unmistakable in the crowd.

The three of you collided in a fierce group hug, arms tangling as you held on tight.

“We did it,” Steve said, his voice thick with emotion as he patted both of your backs.

Bucky’s arms tightened around you slightly, his voice soft but firm. “We did it. Together.” His arms lingered around you a fraction longer than they did around Steve, his warmth grounding you amidst the chaos.

The hug broke apart reluctantly as your families swarmed in, their pride radiating in smiles and tears. Cameras flashed, capturing every possible combination of family and friends. Your mom insisted on a dozen different poses—one with Bucky, one with Steve, one with all three of you—and the laughter that spilled out of you made your cheeks ache.

For a little while, the joy of the moment masked the bittersweet ache that had been building all day. But every now and then, your gaze would catch Bucky’s, and the unspoken weight of what came next lingered in the space between you.

For now, though, you held onto this moment—this memory—tightly, unwilling to let it slip away just yet.

Bucky’s backyard was alive with the sounds of celebration. Laughter mingled with the sizzling of the grill, and the sweet aroma of barbecue drafted through the air. Kids darted across the lawn, chasing each other with bubbles and toy airplanes. Parents clustered in small groups, sharing stories and toasting with glasses of wine and bottles of beer.

Your cap and gown hung over the back of a chair near the patio, forgotten for now as you crouched on the lawn. Bucky’s younger sister sat cross-legged beside you, her brow furrowed in concentration as she held up a tiny daisy.

“Do you think this one’s pretty?” she asked, her voice soft and earnest.

“It’s perfect,” you replied, smiling as you took the delicate flower from her and tucked it into the growing crown of wildflowers. 

As the sun started to dip lower, you glanced up, your eyes catching movement near the back door as Bucky slipped quietly through, his broad shoulders hunched slightly. 

Your gaze shifted to Steve, who had been leaning near the grill, chatting with one of Bucky’s uncles. He had noticed too, his easy smile fading as his eyes followed Bucky’s retreating figure. When he caught your eye, he gave a small nod, his expression knowing and a little sad.

You patted Bucky’s sister on the shoulder. “Keep working on this—I’ll be right back.” She nodded, already focused on the next flower.

Standing, you brushed the grass off your knees and headed inside, weaving through the crowded kitchen. You found Bucky in his room, standing by the window with his back to you. The curtains were slightly drawn, framing his silhouette as he stared out at your bedroom window.

“Hey,” you said softly, closing the door behind you.

He didn’t turn, his voice low and distant. “Just needed a minute.”

You stepped closer, careful not to startle him. “Big day,” you tentatively replied

“Yeah,” he muttered, his jaw tightening as he finally glanced at you. His blue eyes, usually so vibrant, were shadowed with worry. “Everything’s changing.”

You nodded, the weight of his words sinking into your chest. “It is.”

He turned back to the window, his hand resting on the sill. “What if it all falls apart? What if… we fall apart?”

The crack in his voice sent a pang through you. You stepped forward without thinking, crossing the space between you and wrapping your arms around him. He stiffened for a moment, caught off guard, but then his shoulders relaxed as he melted into your embrace. His arms wound tightly around your waist, keeping him grounded.

“We won’t,” you said firmly, your voice muffled against his chest. “No matter where we go or where we end up, we’ll always have this. We’ll always have each other.”

He pulled back slightly, just enough to look down at you, his face inches from yours. His expression was a mix of gratitude and something deeper. For a heartbeat, it felt like the world held its breath, the sound of the party outside fading into the background.

Then he smiled faintly, the tension in his features easing. “You’re my best friend, you know that?” he said softly, pressing a kiss to your head.

You returned his smile. “Yeah. You’re mine too.”

He grinned, but there was something in his eyes that made your heart tighten, like he wanted to say more but didn’t. You felt it too, the weight of everything you never said.

And so, instead of confessing all the feelings you had hidden for so long, you shared a quiet moment, wrapped in the understanding that things were changing. You would go your separate ways, but you’d always have this—the memories, the childhood you spent together with Steve, and the unspoken bond that would always tie you to Bucky Barnes.

And for now, this was enough.

[yuriko-44]

yearning for freedom

19 ✮ yuriko ✮ she/he ✮ permashifting to my wr

Hello!! Welcome to my shifting blog!! I'm Yuriko and I decided to start this blog to not only motivate myself, but also to hopefully motivate others as well!! Sometimes I also get the urge to tell someone about my drs, so I figured that making a blog here was a good idea for mindlessly yapping about them. I'll be sharing everything about my shifting journey, so expect posts about my drs and wrs, my close attempts and minishifts, motivational posts because we love them and etc!! I'll probably share interesting dreams and lucid dreams as well, since I'm interested in shifting through lucid dreams. And sometimes I get really cute dreams about the people in my drs- my motivation skyrockets whenever that happens!! I'd also like to make some friends that are into shifting!!

here's a summary of the things you'll find in this post:

about me and dni list • how I found shifting • my view of reality shifting • my shifting goals and drs • shifting and dream journal • miscellaneous

last update: 20th january 2025

about me and dni list

You can call me Yuriko!! It's not my real name here in the cr, but it's my real name in my main wr!! I'm 19 years old and go by she/he pronouns. English isn't my first language, so sorry if I sometimes get simple things wrong. I really like animals (I spontaneously combust whenever I enter a zoo) and if I had to decide what kind of pet to have, if I could have one, I'd either get a corgi or a gecko (don't know which kind though), they're just so cute!! My favourite colours are blue and light blue, red, green, pink, purple, yellow- I love colours, ok? LMAO!! I think of myself as a little childish, but I really don't care to be honest. I always try my best to be kind and respectful with both strangers and people I know. I used to find shifting information on TikTok back in 2019/2020. I deleted that app before 2021 and never looked back, it was the best decision ever for my shifting journey!! I never shifted or minishifted, but I won't let that demotivate and/or stop me!! I'm mainly a bnha shifter, since my main drs are about it!!

dni list: anti-shifters, basic dni criteria, haters in general, closed-minded people, cringe/cancel culture

how I found shifting

I found out about shifting between 2019 and 2020, during the pandemic. I found out about lucid dreaming first, I was watching a video about it and someone mentioned reality shifting in the comments. It peaked my interest, so I looked it up and didn't really know what to think at first. It just seemed too good to be true, you know? But then I got more informed and here I am now!! Shifting really felt like a blessing, I was going through one of the worst moments of my life, so I'm really grateful for finding out about it. It really helped me go through it. My main source of information was TikTok, which is full of misinformation but I didn't know it at the time.

I remember I made a small script and actually put effort in only two shifting attempts before I needed to take a break. The reason why I needed that break was because people on TikTok were so…contradictory. At first they say "you can do whatever you want! :3" and two seconds later they say "DON'T DO THIS!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS THING!! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE!! >:(" LIKE, GIRL GET IT TOGETHER AND MAKE UP YOUR MIND!! To me that was absolutely exhausting and confusing, so I took that break. The break lasted from 2020 to 2024…yeah, I'm not really proud of that- so here I am picking reality shifting back up in 2025 with a much better understanding of it, with a better mindset and with clearer ideas for what I really want (like where I want to shift and all)!!

my view of reality shifting

I believe there's an infinite amount of realities out there, the one we're in right now is just one of them. There's no 'main/more important reality' or anything like that!! All realities are on the same exact level. When we shift to another reality we become aware of that reality and shift our awareness there.

We don't create realities when we script/shift, we go to already existing ones. This is why I don't think there's anything wrong with shifting to whatever dr you want. It doesn't matter if we shift there or not, that reality exists and the events in it are going to take place regardless of what we do. I personally think people can shift wherever they want, regardless of the kind of reality they choose to shift to.

You don't need methods, a perfect doubt-free mindset, scripts or anything like that to actually shift. Although they can all help greatly, they aren't what makes you shift and therefore aren't mandatory!!

There's no limit. You can literally script anything you want!! Since there's an infinite amount of realities, there are infinite possibilities!! Go wild and let your imagination run free!!

my shifting goals and drs

I'm planning to permashift to my main waiting room, then from there I'll be able to shift wherever and whenever I want!! My main wr basically functions as some sort of hub where I go to plan and shift to my drs. But it also functions as a replacement for this reality. Whenever I feel like having a break from my drs I can just go there and relax!! One of the many reasons why I want to permanently shift to my wr is because some of my main drs have some events that can be quite intense. I scripted that in my main wr, and obviously in all of my other realities as well, it's impossible for me to get traumatised and feel the effects. But in this reality, the cr, that's not the case, so I'm worried that if I come back to this exact reality I'd feel the effects. So I plan to permashift to a reality in which I know I can't get traumatised and feel the effects, so I don't have to worry about that. If I'll ever decide to come back here I'll probably just go to a reality exactly like this one with the only difference being I can't feel traumatised.

My main dr is a bnha dr!! It's probably the one you'll hear about the most!! This dr in particular is probably the one with the most traumatising events, to be completely honest. Obviously I scripted everything for safety and whatnot. Another reason why I want to go to my main wr first is because I scripted that there I'm absolutely amazing at making scripts. So if anything is lacking in the script in my cr, I can make it a thousand times better in my wr before shifting!! In my wr I can also test my drs, if that makes sense. Basically I scripted there's a room in my house in which, by entering it, I can enter a realistic simulation of my drs so I can test them out. That's going to be extremely useful!!

I'm currently interested in using the lucid dreaming method, so basically shifting through lucid dreams. Years ago I used to lucid dream every night. But I was fed a bunch of misinformation and I became absolutely terrified of lucid dreams and actively tried to stop having them. Now I'm at level 1 again and I'm working on getting more lucid dreams so I can shift!!

my desired realities: I like to give names to all of my drs (if I can come up with one that is) and, to be honest, they're really cringe but whatever, I don't care LMAO-

home: main wr, new cr !!

(will be updated)

my shifting and dream journal

shifting journal

(empty)

dream journal

(empty)

miscellaneous

(empty)

[ashton-ryder]

He should've never said anything, he should've accepted JP's rage and walked away, because here he was, back again, like with Ria, saying something he's kept quiet about for years so as to not lose JP as his friend and brother the same way. And he's never felt closer to losing him completely than now. He remembered the way Ria looked in horror the day he told her everything and the very next day she stood by Sada's side, looking in horror at him. Somehow ending up the villain for causing Ria pain. He couldn't take it if history repeated itself with JP. "..Isn't it?" Ashton choked out, giving up holding back the words that convinced him to never tell JP anything, "because who am I?? Who even am I to you guys, compared to her? Just some fucking guy hovering around your family for a couple of years, trying to fit in hoping I belonged. And she's been there for you practically your entire life."

Ashton may not have realized how much Sada's persistent comments and actions over years tainted his own lowly view of himself within the Roses. No matter how much Charlie and JP reminds him he's family, no matter how many moments of love he had with Jeremiah - who was he to even dare think he was important enough to them over Sada, more important for them to believe over her? More important for them to ever put him in priority? Sada reminded him time and time again that they'd never would, and the cost of him even trying to find out, would be losing all of them from his life. He'd choose the alternative of taking the torment alone and keeping them in his life, every single time. "It would've been easier losing me than her." Sada should've just killed him early on and they would've been able to go with their lives just fine. There was no bite to any of his words to the anger JP had, only the lack of fight stood out as he bulldozed through the mess he made for opening his damn mouth.

He only met JP's gaze again when he said his name, pulling Ash back out of his messy, ugly head, eyes darken at the alternative laid out to him if JP was to not believe him. "They're not." Ashton said with resolute, deep watery blues staring straight into the other's gaze, unwavering. Whatever JP thinks of him after tonight, he refused to let the narrative that he said all those things himself come out on top - the only reason he said anything in the first place. "--I could never." And perhaps in those simple words had indirectly answered JP's previous question he avoided.

"Everything.." Ashton lightly scoffed as he murmured the echo of it, there were too many things, too overwhelming to even think about it all and Ashton barely knew where to begin. Not many knew everything. Ruth knew almost everything, Jeremiah knew a lot of things, Charlie knew only some things. He slid his back down the railing as his legs gave out to sit, pulling his knees towards his chest as his buried his face between them. No more fucking secrets, huh? He felt like he was already losing JP one way or another. What's one - or a hundred - more way to push him further away with what he knew Sada will gaslight away into her own story the next morning? "..she's made my life a living hell, JP. I don't even know where--" to start.

And so he began with the most painful things, "she got a stalker on mom, made her seem crazy when the local sheriff didn't believe her, Dawn went crazy everyday and night when she knew someone was by our house, never inside when she's home because a military dog would've shredded them. But when they went on walks, things go missing, bypassing all their alarms. Just to mess with her." Ashton paused to look up revealing the tears and pain in his eyes reliving it in his head, "that's just the worst one, she has ways into my apartment, she's spread destructive rumors on my campus till I almost lost my PhD program.. she's-" he gets the picture, right? "And she always take her claim on it, I know it's her because she always makes a comment about it before anyone knew." He desperately tried to tag on before the painful question was even asked to him again to question his sanity on his experience.

"I-- I once made the mistake of telling Ria this, we were friends and I was ranting to a friend. And Ria, bless her heart, thought the best way was to ask Sada about it and the next day, I was made the liar. She was convinced I was doing it for attention, trying to hurt her with lies, me pinning her against Sada. I just wanted to avoid that happening again with you." Ash dropped his head back again the railing as he went on, "remember Charlie started trying to raise pocket change to help get me a new telescope? She knew I didn’t drop my old one like I said I did, Sada smashed it, as a warning for 'even trying to turn her people against her', for just confiding in my friend." His friendship with Ria was forever strained from that to the point that they just ignore it all and moved on as if it never happened. Ashton from there on did not dare do something that would lose him his closest people that were closer to family than friends. "It never stopped, JP, I've thought so many times about just quitting and leaving New York for good, but then I'm with you and Jer and Charlie, and Mal and Ruth and I-- I just couldn't leave. I just couldn't."

Ashton was lost in all the words he spoke, almost dissociating from them not remember a single word of what he spouted out, . But he tried to wipe away any evidence of pain from the wetness of his face, "I don't know what else-- you want me to say."

"Easier?" he asked quietly in disbelief. "Let me get this straight. You think..." His brow furrowed in renewed confusion and he couldn't control the ironic huff of a laugh that fell between them. His drunken mind was trying to wrap itself around how, arguably since his return, every shitty, chaotic, traumatizing moment fuel moving destiny faster and faster toward the implosive moment of revelation back at the party and Ash thought it was easier to choose to lose his friend during all of it.

"You think it's easier to lose you as my friend? Which, if I choose to believe you made all that shit up just to spite Sada, I would. And you think that is easier than what's already happened." The scoff of realization over how little Ash seemed to think of their friendship freely escaped him. "Wow," he added with a raise of his brow, shifting his grip on the railing as he swayed slightly.

How the fuck did he get dragged into all this...shit? The night was supposed to have been a few hours of forgetting the world had gone to shit outside their doors. It was meant to let them all feel normal again. Even if just for a little while. It hadn't been meant to rip apart everything they knew and loved. Fuck! "

"That has to be some kind of joke. You want me to just make you the bad guy and be done with it," he went on with a purse of his lips followed by a quick, feigned smirk masking his barely controlled anger and a short laugh to go with it. Bile began rise in his throat at the thought of now having to confront Sada over all of this.

"Ash," he started, shutting his eyes and sighing as he raised his hand and paused, turning it into a fist before dropping it back down. Big emotions in check. "I don't want to believe Sada would ever say that about me and Miah," he pushed out, opening his eyes to find his friends again. "I don't. But then that would mean that those are your words. Not Sada's," he told him with a point his way, swaying along with the motion. "And I have an even harder time believing you would ever say anything that shitty about my brother or call Charlie a whore," he told him knowingly, the word whore especially quiet as he muttered it.

After years of constantly being volleyed back and forth between the woman he considered a mother and his chosen brother he was honestly sick of the shit with him and Sada. It was going to end once and for all. At least with John-Paul. "You want me to believe you, then quit pussy footing around what the fuck is up with you two. And I want to know everything," he went on, his anger spilling forth gently. "No more fucking secrets," he reminded him.

[unyearn]

the twoset news hit me ridiculously hard im shaken af in an airport mutuals i hope you are having a better day than i am

[male-duckk]

just found out abt the last beatles song coming out. i’m emotional

[chalkrub]

art trade w/ thrak800 on twit - love this fella !

[vakariaan]

ultimate ships challenge - the otp to rule all otps

Jack/Nikki  »  Silent Witness

I can't imagine a day without you. I can't.

[orcelito]

Considering the. Ahem. Ways this year has gone, I've not been thinking about it all that much, but. I did start this year with the motto of Year Of Unfucking My Life. With a few goals involved in that.

I got an official adhd diagnosis, as well as a diagnosis for PCOS. Other diagnoses in progress. Gotten adhd meds and birth control to regulate periods. I've gone back to school and I'm keeping up with it better than ever before. I've even been working on practicing driving, something I've been largely neglecting since I first got my driving permit, um... 11 years ago...

I just need to actually Get my license. And I need to get it before the end of the year. If I can accomplish that, then I'll say the Year Of Unfucking My Life was successful.

[menlove]

the Issue with getting really back into a band you were obsessed with as a lonely & actively being traumatized 11-13 year old when u associate songs with memories is that. Well. sometimes u associate songs with memories.

[dissembledthyme]

I wanna draw these guys a bit more often, though I'm extremely out of practice, so it looks wonky as hell LMAO Give me time, I'll get back into the groove of it eventually, for now, take mid art

My stupid moron and his big emo boyfriend

[hollow-vok]

Ohh im obssesed

[medicinemane]

.

[heybinnie]

feel like a friend just died

[thelunaticghost]

cant wait to get my degree certificate I'm gonna burn that bitch up

[joycrispy]

I don't know if I have any capital-T Thoughts about Doctor Who that anyone would consider worth reading, but I sure do have a lot of capital-F Feelings about Doctor Who.

I feel compelled to share them, so watch out for that, at some point.

[dismalzelenka]

.