#they both need to always be able to work
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As an OG HSM fan (like I watched the OG on Disney Channel when it released), I gotta commend everyone on a fantastic show. When they announced a TV series, I was like "It's too late; we don't want this," but I watched the first episode just to see what they were doing to my beloved series.
I was blown away and immediately invested. I was also extremely impressed by the two young actors they found to be our new stars. There's no replacing Zac and Vanessa, but Joshua and Olivia were so immensely talented and could hold their own. Olivia Rodrigo especially caught my eye and ear. There was a unique star power there and discovering that she wrote All I Want convinced me to further invest in her career. This kid was definitely going places. Lo and behold, Drivers License and her solo music career took off. Turned out, I was right. But I also knew eventually, that would somehow impact the show. I wasn't shocked that Olivia eventually chose to leave to focus in on her music. In fact, I was and am incredibly proud of her success.
Luckily for the show, the writers and producers had already done an amazing job building up a new leading lady. They just didn't know it and neither did we. You will never convince me that Ricky and Gina were the plan in season 1. In fact, as a Rina shipper in season 1, I had already accepted that Ricky was destined to be with Nini and grateful that we'd gotten a beautifully written Rina story and that Gina and EJ were just as lovely and wonderful (still miss you, Portwell). There was no way the writers could have predicted the pivot they would have to make from Olivia/Nini/Rini to Sofia/Gina/Rina. But God, are we all so lucky to have Sofia Wylie.
Sofia stepped into the leading lady role perfectly from season 3 to the very end. She is so talented in every way, singing, dancing, acting. She excels at it all. And Olivia's exit from the show really helped to further showcase all of these talents. Every moment is a shining one from her. I was in tears over her series finale monologue. And thankfully, the writers hadn't neglected to write Gina as fully fleshed out while she was only a supporting character. Thankfully, the writers had already built a solid foundation for Ricky/Gina. If they hadn't, the transition would never have worked. The show would have declined as many have before. Instead, the gear shift brought a new energy to the show and maybe even gave everyone else in the cast more of a chance to shine.
The reason I say all this is because I've seen a lot of fighting over Olivia vs. Sofia. The reality is, both of these young women brought something equally important to the show. They were both special and unique and gave their all to the characters they played. They were both our leading ladies. Olivia Rodrigo started the race and passed the torch on to Sofia Wylie to finish. And man, did she finish it beautifully. I'm proud of both of them, the work they did on HSMTMTS, and look forward to what the future holds for them.
#olivia rodrigo#sofia wylie#hsmtmts#high school musical the musical the series#nini salazar roberts#gina porter#stop the infighting and appreciate them both#they both need to always be able to work
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I am obsessed with the idea of Naruto and Sasuke being married for at least a year before anyone finds out. Cause it happened way faster than they expected and also because they see Sasuke so rarely so they think he’s just always gone for missions when really he actually spends most of his time at his and Narutos secluded home, taking care of it while Naruto does his Hokage duties. Sure he does go on occasional missions but he’s never gone as long as people think he is. I want a worried Iruka taking out Naruto for dinner to ask him how’s his dating life is going with Sasuke and if he’s ok with his boyfriend being gone for such long periods of time and Naruto giving him such a confused look cause his husband is at home right now cooking dinner and Naruto really shouldn’t go with Iruka for ramen cause that’ll spoil his appetite.
#sasunaru#sasuke uchiha#naruto uzumaki#Naruto#mine#I just love the idea of people not knowing or understanding how deeply the relationship between these two are#cause to be fair#these two have always had a complicated relationship made murky by the trauma and responsibilities both have chosen to carry#and many had doubted Naruto would be able to even bring sasuke back#and really sasuke couldn’t have changed THAT much right?#like most of them don’t understand sasuke so in turn they don’t really understand how his relationship with Naruto works#but the duo doesn’t need anyone to understand it#they’re both enough for each other
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well that one comic panel with baby erik activated the sleeper agent in my brain that goes feral for de-aging angst... if you had the choice between erik protecting a suddenly de-aged charles or vice versa, which would it be and how how many years are they losing?
are you trying to killme. this amya very well kil me
#snap chats#sorry 1.) i have drank 2.) i just finished watching shame and the ending hit way harder than i thought it would#maybe its because of Aforementioned Drinking but i need to lay down and throw up#this isnt a shame review tho ill put my On Topic Rambles now#both hit hard for relatively the same reason. or at least foils of a reason Does That MAke Sense i dont know i cant feel ym forehead#becaue like .. charles couldve greatly benefited from having a protector in his childhood- as did erikt oo of course#like with charles he forgave his mother for not being able to do anything against his stepfather And Thats Incredibly Valid#bless his mother she did all she could and so with this scenario im led to imagine an alternartive or someting similar idk#charles is so gentle but that doesnt always work- he needed someone to kick and scream and fight for him growing up#and so im forced to imagine if the likes of erik was there to protect him as akid#similarly with erik charles being there as a caring figure and to just be like#'hey please dont let this world squander the love in you' would be so important to him#am i making sense. i dont know if im making sense im mashing my fingers on a keyboard#its a miracle i can type coherent sentences really but thats my take on thi as of right now#i dont thinka anythin with de-aging nd whatevr tbh but i can entertain a concept at least#anyway now that ive finished watchin ima go see how much doodles i can make before i pass out#ill see youuuu all then
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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happy (not that stoked) Labor Day to all the mfs that work today. especially if y'all aren't getting time & a half or double time. Thank you for working because it's what u have to do to survive. Labor Day is only a blue collar worker/office job kinda holiday, so bless you all that are working like it's any other day, I promise we see ya and appreciate y'all <3
#i do my best to just stay home and not go out on labor day for all the workers that still have to work#do your very best to not go to the store. cut the workers some slack and enjoy being you for a day without the help of capitalism#dont hit my askbox if ur gonna slander. only hit my ask box with real facts and real opinions or dont hit it up at all#m.#i bet all the overseas homies are like wtf is labor day and why is it a holiday? honestly you're so right.#its just a holiday to gaslight all 9-5 workers into believing theyre important to their job#thankfully im off but no one ever tells you thank you for doing your job or putting in the effort to make society flow easier.#no one!! so I'll be the one to tell yall:#life aint easy. and it definitely aint easy when you're providing for a family or those you love. especially in america on poverty level#or even lower middle class. the rich are shaking in their boots knowing we're aware of their abuse of the system and the ploy to keep#lower middle class/upper middle class complete different worlds than one another. but they're both essentially the same class???#firm believer of socialism or a sprinkle of communism. this shit is awful#imagine raising your kids to be able to navigate american economics along with their passion in life. oh shit. you cant? sounds accurate.#kids either kill themselves from the stress of it all or become just like their parents. like the world is in the 60's still#i really. really. really hate America and its politics. ive always wanted to kms to get away from it..#but it's not possible and i. unfortunately. have too much to lose. despite to popular belief.#but all you need to know is things will always SEEM worse but its really not. just keep pushing and believe in yourself ❣️
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fun rpf stuff aside (though I'm totally fine with whatever people believe as long as no one bothers actors in real life), does it seem to you like Jacob and Sam have an unusual friendship? Or am I, as a woman, just not well-versed in guy friendships? But it seems like everyone around them agrees that they have an unusual friendship too? Thinking of Eric talking about them every chance he gets lol, and Rolin saying that he wrote a scene into the script specifically for the two of them that came out of their bond. They just seem to genuinely have so much affection for each other and they express it openly, and they talk about how much time they spend talking, and that all seems so beautifully sincere and the opposite of trying to be macho or whatever. I love it.
Haha, I love it too! It does seem like they've connected on a pretty deep level.
I don't know, I don't know either of them of course, but I think there's probably a lot of factors at play. I think true creative partnerships can often be pretty intense and binding, and that does seem to be the way they've both approached their work on the show and how they've felt about building Louis and Lestat as both individual characters, and as the show's big, beating, bloody heart. It also seems to have influenced how they choose to be leads on set.
Crews will usually say that a culture on set starts from the top of the callsheet, which I imagine would be Jacob at 1, Sam at 2, and they both seem to take that seriously as well. Eric's talked about that, as you said, but Roxane actually talked about how much they look after each other and the energy they bring to set quite a bit in her interview with Autumn too, which was lovely. I've timestamped it here if you haven't seen it:
youtube
So yeah, I think how they've chosen to create together plays a role. I also think timing probably had a bit to do with it too. Jacob's joked a few times that he and Sam are trauma bonded, which makes sense given the casting process and filming s1 all happened during the COVID lockdowns, so it was a fractuous time anyway and they were probably in a cast bubble, which I imagine added to the sense of shared experience.
I also think it probably helped that they were in pretty similar places career-wise when they started on the show. They were both fairly established in their local contexts (Jacob in the UK, Sam in Australia), but less so internationally and I think that probably a) put them both on a level footing from the get-go, b) gave them both a shared sense of what this opportunity was, and c) that their professional lives have made this pretty significant change together.
Plus, y'know, they just seem to really like each other, which is a lovely thing. So yeah! I think their friendship is something special, and whether that's a result of their personalities, the context of the last few years, or something else, who knows? I'm just glad we get to watch the result of it, haha.
#i do think rolin letting them have that last line to each other at the reunion is an acknowledgement of that creative partnership#there are sooooo many ways this show could've Not Worked#but the biggest would always be if lestat and louis didn't work#both as individual characters and as a dynamic#and you can write the most beautiful scripts in the world but if an actor isn't willing or able to go to those places with another#then it won't work#and they needed jacob and sam to go to a LOT of places#and they both sold it every time#like literally not so much of a beat where one of them wasn't entirely committed#they've also talked about each other as being generous actors#so they get a lot from each other#which is IT baby creative partnership dreams are made of#iwtv cast#welcome to my ama#jam asks#roxane duran
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you know, i think the thing about miranda that most make or breaks if any given writing for her is any good, is that you just can't tell if she's doing something on purpose or not.
she switches hard from cute, innocent, head full of fluff and so oblivious and kinda stupid that she matches scott, to having such expertise and cruelty in manipulation and being able to not only get her way but to get it with such violence that it takes everyone else aback — and there is NO way for any other character in the situation to tell if both really are true and equal aspects of her personality and who she is, or if she really is planning this all along and all the innocence was just a farce.
both are given equal weight by miranda, both seem equally likely, and both are roles that miranda inhabits so wholly that there's not really any flaws anyone can find in either one of them. you expect one, the other one catches you off guard. for someone who makes such a show of wearing her heart on her sleeve, it is incredibly hard to actually tell what's going through miranda's brain at any given moment.
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#monster prom#miranda vanderbilt#yes i still have thoughts about miranda as i always do#ofc my answer to this in my writing is ''its both at the same time''#''both manipulation and her being genuine''#because i really like that as who miranda is (and most of my writing deals with who IS miranda really)#but also. i think it really does need to be an open question in text#you need to be able to argue both at a single moment using everything that miranda has done up to that moment#and still feel like you arent getting it Right#which is also exactly the thing i love about writing miranda#open questions and ambiguity are FUN#(this is also where the miravi comes in because that too. is answering the question. of who really is miranda.)#(specifically focusing on who miranda is beneath the crown and the title)#(and who she actually wants to be)#(both with aaravi being able to be the hero and save miranda from her situation and even from herself)#(but also with them both thinking to the future and having no fucking idea what they want or what will happen)#(but deciding to tentatively trust each other to work towards a shared and better future)#(this is also why both miri having an eating disorder and aaravi directly trying to help that)#(and aaravi having an interest in food and cooking is so Important)#(you have to deal with the question and all the problems it raises if you want the solution to grow and become something beautiful)
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is episode 8 the domitian arc ? more on this and EVEN MORE narratives i’ve been ignoring that the show said “actually,,,” about in 5
#hermes staying domitian’s hand… hermes’ face a flash of discomfort when he was torturing tenax… hmm. character growth.#WHAT WAS THAT HERMES. WHAT WAS THAT LOOK. NO GIRL GET BACK HERE I CANNOT ALSO DO THIS NARRATIVE OF YOU NO LONGER ABLE TO PULL HIM BACK FROM#THE BRINK OF HIS CRUELTY WATCHING HIM CHANGE AND SEEKING OUT SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS NEED AND FEAR AND ANGST. NO BABY GIRLLLL#I DON’T WANT TO WRITE A HERMES POINT OF VIEWWWW OF THE SIX YEARS HE SPENT WATCHING DOMITIAN BLOOMMMM INTO HIS POWER AND CORRUPTTTT because.#correct me if i’m wrong but in that very first scene that was a young hermes in the white right he watched domitian give his speech and saw#his father to truly see him the whole time as hermes has seen his brilliance.#NO I ALSO SAW THAT GUARD’S HEAD FOLLOW HERMES oh i hate it here. you know what i also hate? i need domitian to be successful for tenax#but also i do kinda like titus… NOOOOOO NO KILLING TITUS DOMITIAN I JUST SAID I LIKED HIM!!!! DOMITIAN!!!#oh. ohhhh no. OH NOOOO okay listen we can redeem this. we can have the whole turning point of the narrative be domitian’s mercy of hermes#the ultimate staying of his hand. proving he’s not entirely gone that hermes & his love still means something. do i think this will happen#no absolutely not. before he can kill his brother domitian has to kill the only other living person he loves perhaps more than titus if he#could ever realize it. (a brief interlude to yell LET’S GO LESBIANS LET’S GO HI IRIS) domitian… please spare him… OH WAIT HELLO THE BLOOD!!#ALSO a brief interlude to say i knew it was coming but ELIA’S SPEECH ABOUT LOVING INCITATUS??? I WAS ON THIS INCITATUS SHIT WITH THE LITTLE#NOD THEY HAD WHERE SCORPUS CALLED HIM TO BEAT XENON OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!! elia’s going to crush him. incitatus won’t listen.#scorpus is going to die twice once when they call elia’s name instead of his and then the second time when the scorpion bites him again#(he kills himself and tenax finds him. sorry to give everyone absolutely maximum damage here but uh. that’s how i can see it going down)#or alternatively worse: after killing titus who at times he loves and hates in equal measure (if y’all don’t think I have some UNHINGED#brothers quotes. we’ll keep mum here about why but suffice to say it is. relevant to other fandoms. and thus i have a Collection) the last#thing domitian has to do is kill hermes. and this one is both out of betrayal but also love because I think somewhere in here titus’ queen#berenice plays a role because domitian’s hatred of the jews probably comes to play a role and I think titus would show up and protect her#like Domitian engineers some kind of a situation where in theory titus could escape alive or beat him but he can’t do that & save berenice#and so of course he saved berenice. or she dies in his arms and he goes mad with grief and any way you put it berenice is the trap & titus#happily crawls into the lion’s mouth to save her for love of her etc and domitian sees him die for it. he gives titus every chance to come#back to him to work with him to be what he wants him to be and he always chooses himself he chooses love and domitian can’t understand even#when it makes him weak. and then he sees hermes dirty and emaciated and still terribly terribly beautiful and feels such a pang of longing#and love that he decides he has to die because he (domitian) cannot be weak. he cannot have any of it. also giving domitian worse paranoia#than he already has because if you kill your brother the one person who should always love you—support you—who can build me a new brother—#you’ve gotta generate some MAJOR issues. namely trust issues. and if he kills hermes they’ll be even worse. so like ideally To Me domitian#wouldn’t kill him but i do very much see the symbolism of cutting off his last earthly tie & desire to ascend to the divine imperial throne#those about to die
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Honestly shout out to my incredible cardiologist and heart surgeons for having let me be involved and knowledgeable about my health and medical care from a young age because it allowed me to go into this surgery and tell them that I wasn't going to go with what they recommended, explain why, and they agreed.
#because I've always been involved in my health care and talked to about my conditions i was able to make a very big decision#normally i agree with my doctors and surgeons but i didn't this time and was able to clearly explain why#and my surgeon agreed with me and although he had originally recommended something different he gave me the surgery i said i needed#i had looked at the pros and cons of both options and i anyalyzed myself at the same time#while what my surgeon recommended would have meant this surgery would be my last heart surgery#it would have gone poorly in the long run at my current state#so i decided to have the surgery that would require me to have this same one done again in time#because it saves me time and i can work on myself#so i can get to the surgery i need and actually have that final surgery#i gave myself an extra 10 years this time#hopefully that's done I'll be ready to go with the more permanent option
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I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.
I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.
Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?
#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls#im fine this was just kinda reflective#so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five#but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her#we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it#she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years#and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year#i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me#but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her#i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her#this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in#oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her#we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time#fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but#no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her#if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers#how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day#god im tired. goodnight
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Me: *in the troes of finals week*
My brain, for some reason: *suddenly has the extreme motivation, passion and compulsion needed to work on fics and illustrations*
#i didnt write for all of break or rly do much drawing. just a bit#and then the noose of schoolwork tightens on me more#and i started working on two separate fics out of the blue#WHY AM I LIKE THIS!?!?!?!? 😭😭😭😭#its very good too like not suffering to write 😭 like its coming to me randomly#like an urge yknow like its speaking to me#BUT WHY!?!? I NEED THAT TO WRITE PAPERS NOT FIC#i mean im happy to actually be able to write fic#but why. why does it only come to me NOW when im extremely busy 😭😭#waaaahhhh a boy king au fic AND a normal fic#both things i had thought of a while ago but never had the drive to actually work on#its funny. ive been into sebnando for over a year now and it feels like the 2nd year-#is this renaissance where my brain is finally satisfied enough to write fic and draw narratively#like okay???? but where was this energy a year ago??????#four fics in the works tbh....hehehe. we'll see. in a week ill probably be head empty again LOL#but gah its seriously so fun to actually feel like im able to write/draw what ive always wanted to#just uh. wish it came at a better time 🫤#catie.rambling.txt
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Honestly sooooooo fucked up that I thought my overwhelming daily fatigue and debilitating body pain was a product of the awful working conditions I was under for years and years... and yet, despite being out of work for half a year now, I'm still so fatigued and in pain all the time??? Like come on man that's not fair
Oh well maybe I have liver disease and they'll treat it and then I am magically so much more energized like I was as a kid. We can only hope !!!!
#speculation nation#negative/#um. not hoping i have liver disease but the blood tests blatantly state that it's not working entirely right.#not like major enough to be an immediate health emergency. or else my doctor probably wouldve called me#rather than referring me to radiology.#im just hoping that it's something easy to treat. it really would be so nice for my problems to be fixed like that.#and im mentioning it in conjunction with the fatigue just bc it can cause fatigue. ya kno.#probably is a good thing i caught it this early whatever it is.#like maybe it's Not fibromyalgia. but the fact that i pursued diagnosis for fibromyalgia spurred the blood tests#which alerted my doctor to the abnormal liver enyzmes.#if i hadnt pursued diagnosis who knows how much longer this wouldve gone on like this...#so! im still not happy to be doing a Fucking ultrasound for my liver. but. if it means catching whatever this is early#then like. it'll be worth it. doubly so if it does end up fixing my fatigue problems.#or even just some of them. i dont even need to be at 100% of what others can do#i just wanna be able to do half an hour of chores without feeling like im going to collapse 😭😭😭😭#it's really very troublesome. my life would be so much easier if i had the energy to do more than one thing per day.#(and if i do more than one thing i end up nearly bedridden the rest of the day. like today lol.)#im just trying to look on the bright sides so i dont start freaking out again about my liver not working right.#ultimately. even if i dont feel amazing. i dont feel all that different from how ive lived the past decade of my life.#or at least the most recent years. i kind of feel like my chronic pain has gotten worse. maybe fatigue too.#though i do know ive been dealing with both for however long. idk. might be recency bias. who knows.#ANYWAYS. im not actively dying. so i'll live to my appointments. and then i will hope it's smooth sailing from there.#(oh god i hope i wont need surgery. i dont want surgery. please im trying to graduate college i do not want surgery)#(god why is my luck always so bad)
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i just fucking hate having ptsd all of it. so many stupid fucking things send me into fucking hysterics it sucks and i hate it and i dont want itttt anymore i dont want it.
#i literally like. i didnt tell u guys bc it was embarassing#but i had to hype myself up to eat a fucking orange the other day. like i was shaking and crying and i nearly threw up.#bc it fucking reminded me of All that and also bc its one of the only foods i got to eat outside ofm my one meal a day#while i was living there. bc my coworker gave me oranges sometimes#and one time she gave me a whole bag of cuties which was wonderful of her i miss her#but i pretty much like. bc during m-f i had a meal at work#and i could get something from the vending machine if i needed to#but on the weekends i had to either order food (which would always make me insanely nauseous bc of. the money stuff. yk) or just eat#what i had in my room bc i couldnt use the kitchen bc the roommates would be mad at me#and they might kick me out and id be actually fucked. its so crazy looking back that i genuinely the entire time i fucking lived there even#b4 the breakup the entire time i was in terror that theyd evict me. bc i wouldnt have been able to do anything abt it#i mean thats why i didnt like. leave him after he . and stuff. both bc i thought i didnt deserve anything better and bc i was terrified#theyd evict me and i wouldnt have any way to get home. it was terrifying#but ya. so for a couple weeks i rationed myself One orange per day lol. and on weekends that was all i was able to eat rly#idk. i hate ptsd. basicalllyyyy is the gist of ittt. and i keep thinking abt random fucking things they did to me#me when they jokingly tell me to starve myself when i literally have a fucking eating disorder. and when i told The Only Person i knew in#that fucking house abt it he told me i was being dramatic and i was just being greedy and etc. and then later when i got off work today i#saw on their fucking whiteboard in the kitchen i wasnt supposed to use Eat more <3 as one of their goals. while i went to sit in the garage#for the weekend eating a single fucking orange a day. god#idk. ive gotten better with eating i still have the scale but i ws able to go months without using it until the medical call the other week#and i havent used it since but. everytime i think abt all that itmakes me want to go back to it. i cant tho everyone would notice#i do still eat a wholee lot less than i did b4 washington but idk. idont remember if i even ate today i probably should but i dont feel#hungry but i cant even fucking trust that bc i Starved myself for so fucking long im too good at ignoring hunger. and i never was super in#touch with my body but im constantly numb now. idk.#ed ment#a2t#i ws gonna say more but it ws tmi + tag limit anyway. its just insane that my fucking ed wouldnt have happened if it werent for him and it#graduated i wouldnt have been isolatedinever wouldve had an ed. like 50% of my ptsd would be Gone if i just hadnt joined that discord. lol
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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i have thought of 1 (one) pro to this whole housing situation and i’m clinging onto it for dear life
#that being the enhanced freedom of living alone/away from family again#just generally being able to have routines and (hopefully) have them be respected in shared living spaces#of course that depends on who i find as a roommate but i’m choosing to stay optimistic#and on the note of freedom that includes more social freedom to have people over#like games nights with friends and stuff#or like. people staying over occasionally.#which technically i could do before it’s just wildly uncomfortable so i generally don’t#it’s the fear of not having a place to fall back to if things go wrong#that’s really getting to me#because my family is so spread out that even if i was able to crash on my mom or grandma’s couches (bc they both live in small one bedrooms)#they’re both so far away (literally a several hour ferry ride in my mom’s case)#that i wouldn’t be able to continue work or school if i had to do that#my dad is looking for a place in the cities around where we are now but that’s not certain at all and again one bedroom#BUT#and this is a HUGE thing that my friend reminded me of#i have friends in my life who would also support me if it came to that (totally not crying while typing this)#he reminded me that his family has even said in the past that i always have a place to stay with them#and i even did at one point for several weeks when our house got all its wall torn out bc of massive water leaks#and i know i have at least two other friends who would do the same if i really needed it#and i’m so so so fucking lucky#i may not have a ton of people in my life but the people i do have are better people than i ever could have hoped for#i stumbled into knowing (and this is no exaggeration) i believe some of the kindest most compassionate loving people in existence#i was always such a sucker for found family stuff and it was only in the last two years or so that i realized that’s what i have#okay stress crying has turned to emotional gratefulness crying#still physically unpleasant but emotionally incomprebly better#personal
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If I see one more walk/trot adult ammy fly around the country/go overseas to go horse shopping I'm going to have a fucking aneurysm.....
#If you are a rider who can not physically do intense riding you need an older steadier trail horse not an imported 5yr old warmblood#And I'm sick and tired of seeing it#I've worked with some lovely western bred horses and gaited horses that these rich fucks won't ever consider because they aren't 'fancy'#Like Karen if you get jostled around too much your days of riding are literally over because your bones can't take it#You don't need to be sitting on the Ferrari of horses#Not only do you not need it you shouldn't have it because unlike your husband's midlife crisis mobile this thing will put you in the#Hospital when you inevitably fall off#Meanwhile I'm the one riding the 'unsellable' 14 year old 17 hand mare that no one would buy because those are all no's on most peoples iso#Its always 'no mares' 'nothing over 10' 'no past injuries' 'must be under 17 hands'#But at the same time it also has to have seen everything never spook and be able to do anything your fucking heart desires#I actually don't think the horse market is fucked I just think a) people have completely unrealistic expectations and b)no one wants to#Put in the work to actually keep a horse sane and sound#Don't want to jinx it but both of my teenage horses who have had past injuries have been major injury free for the past several years while#The same horses go lame over and over or the same owners keep having horses go lame when they buy horse after horse
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