#they CHOSE to abuse me. they CHOSE it. they didn't *need* to have a disorder

[uncanny-tranny]

Something I absolutely hate that's done for some reason:

Person: Isn't that typical narcissistic behaviour? *Lists out behaviours and tactics done specifically by abusers of literally all neurotypes*

There is no such thing as an "abuser disorder" because abuse is a pattern of behaviour. Stigmatizing disorders like NPD only contributes in horrifically negative things and discourages people from seeking help when they may need it. You can call out abuse without essentializing it with an Abuser Disorder.

[mentallhealthmatters]

Probably late but... (Long rant ahead)

https://www.tumblr.com/mentallhealthmatters/766237584051552256/like-fuck-you-shelby-this-guy-had-a-buuunch-of

“This is a 'I don't trust you guys, you weren't my friends,' move. This is 'you guys supported her, even quietly,' this is 'yeah no one fucking talked to him to hear his side of the story' move.”

Oh I have my thoughts and opinions on this and of people wishing or hoping that Wilbur still has friends or is still friends with those that used to be on that friend list. (the MCYT/Streamer Sphere) They are just setting themselves up for nothing but disappointment.

It wouldn't surprise me if everyone from the MC community - even those closest to him - abandoned him, in fact, I'm expecting it. Tommy private/unlisted his Wilbur Return “If I annoy Wil” VOD and even one or more of his YouTube videos that featured Wilbur (Like the Sims one). Philza unfollowed him everywhere, removed everything from his Twitch that even hinted at Wilbur, and he might be modding for Shelby (not 100% sure about that). Hell, he also probably got rid of some videos on his YouTube channel. Molly (Tommy's girlfriend) streamed with Lexie. (I think this was after the allegations) And isn't Lexie an ableist, claiming to be a victim of narcissistic abuse, which I hope she is able to heal but claiming all those with NPD are inherently corrupt or abusers because of a disorder they didn't ask for is just wrong. 

Sidenote/Mini-Rant: Saying "People with NPD will never get better because they lie to their therapists.” Is just so toxic and ableist in my opinion. 1) While NPD can’t be cured, it can be treated, and saying those with NPD will never get better discourages them from seeking those treatments. 2) Only a medical professional, psychiatrist, psychologist, or an expert on NPD can make a diagnosis, not Twitch streamers. 3) NPD and other similar disorders are extremely stigmatized and doing this is just going to make it harder for people with those disorders.

Not to mention all the ones who jumped on the hate bandwagon to throw in their two cents or those who just bashed him, Minx and Billzo for example jumping on the bandwagon: Minx was at a party at his house, saw him and Shelby(?) arguing, tried to insert herself - got denied - then later when Wilbur was heading to the bathroom because he drank too much. She followed him into the bathroom to hold his hair back (never mind that his hair is too short to be held back) Wilbur being drunk, assumed she was trying to harm him, got angry at her, and told her to leave, calmed down, and apologize and said she didn't have to leave, yet she chose to leave anyway. But according to Minx, he’s still somehow the bad guy because he got angry thinking she was trying to hurt him while drunk, she isn't a victim of anything. Billzo handcuffed Wilbur without his consent or permission to a railing(?) as a joke and threw the keys away. Then Wilbur tells or asks him to let him go making it very clear that he didn’t want this nor find the "joke" funny, only for Billzo to inform him that they don’t have the keys and set the cuffs to the tightest setting while Wil’s panicking. So of course this makes Wil panic more til he yells at Bill to find the keys. And somehow people are making Wilbur the bad guy because he yelled, while Bill was the one who restrained him, put the cuffs as tightly as possible, and laughed at him. Wilbur had every right to yell at him! (I would have) And Wilbur apologized to Bill for yelling at him!

And the others, many of whom admitted themselves that they weren't close to or knew Wilbur all that well like Aimsey, Tubbo, Harry, and Max (Didn’t Will need to be reminded by Tommy who Max was at one point?) all of which were very fast to condemn and attack Wilbur but when Beau came out about her story about being kissed without consent (might be more to that) by Snikrep, someone a majority of them hang out with, suddenly they're distancing and excusing themselves. Didn’t Aimsey make a statement on Twt saying she didn’t associate with the guy, only for a recent photo to drop that had both of them hanging out together in it, and then she deleted her statement on Twitter? Weren't Harry or Max (or both) caught on a previous stream where they were making fun/jokes about Beau and her story/situation? Isn't Harry friends with KitWisp and Snikrep who have also been accused of domestic abuse and sexual assault? I’m unaware if anything happened to them. (I think Snikrep is still editing for Tommy) It shows how performative and self-centered their activism and support for victims is. (Correct me if any of the above info is wrong or if you have more to add. I'm recalling all this from memory.)

Hypocrites, they’re hypocrites. “With friends like these, who need enemies" is a saying for a reason. 

I highly doubt he will even glance in Minecraft’s direction or touch it with a 50-foot pole because of all those people previously mentioned, even if he still likes the game itself. 

Wilbur deserves better. Better friends and better people to spend his time with. He needs people who will help him improve, not drop him as soon as the public deems it or when it's not profitable. I believe that it’s best he's gotten rid of all his MCYT "friends" as well. If all of them were willing to use his downfall to boost their reputations and careers, then he's so much better without them. He has worth outside of them and deserves more than them as much as I miss his friendship and dynamic with them. (SBI my beloved)

Besides, Wilbur being in a niche-y band with a small music channel on the side suits him more than being a Minecraft content creator. I say this as someone who found him via his Minecraft content and enjoyed it more than his band. (I like his band/songs, I just enjoyed his content more)

Plus Wilbur's biting habit is fixable, it can be helped. It's not something he kept secret, everyone knew about his biting habit and knew it was something he had done for years. I know change can be challenging, and be a long, slow, and difficult process. But what matters is that he keeps trying! That looks to be what he’s trying to do, with his last post on Twt, with him going to therapy and changing his lifestyle a bit. It's hard to stop a long-term issue or habit that started in childhood, like his biting habit (Old habits die hard) but none of them seem willing to try and help him change or improve himself. You should at least try, you'll probably get kicked and scratched in the process but that's what friends do: try to help each other. (Keyword: TRY. Don't keep burning yourself at both ends of the candle for someone who is unwilling to change. But Wilbur seems to be trying/willing.)

Even if Wilbur and some of his old friends somehow reunite or reconnect sometime down the line, if they can make amends, and rebuild the bridges burnt, those bridges aren't going to be what they were previously. They could only - at most - look similar but never be the same.

Only bridge id encourage being rebuilt is Quackity. *fuck* everyone else. But thats less i care about wilbur and have deemed Quackity to be the only one worth redeeming, but Wilbur is a crucial key to things id like to see from Quackity in upcoming plots and plans, and shelby burned that bridge. The story can still be told, but a name would have been omitted and i rather it not be.

[bougiebutchbinch]

It baffles me that some people think the only reason people talk about the awful things Ed did in canon is because they hate him

not because he's... y'know..... a SUPER INTERESTING CHARACTER

Redemption arcs are freaking delicious, man. But in order to have one, you need to actually have done... bad shit.... to begin with??

Like how Izzy was a bossy bastard to Stede's crew in S1? Then stepped up to protect that crew from Ed, when Ed turned on them all and Izzy started to see 'the kids' as his crew?

The redemption arc of Ed - a man who's done genuinely bad abusive shit that was certainly influenced by his atrocious mental health - would have been even more fascinating. If it had been handled well.

As anyone who suffers with severe mental health issues knows: this shit is fucking ugly. It's not about pretty sadboy aesthetics or quirky 'teehee so chaotic' bouts of hyperactivity. Sometimes you fuck up. Sometimes you fuck up, badly. Sometimes you hurt people. You lose friends and push away family and may even end up isolating yourself through cruelty to others as a form of self-harm.

Before the inevitable bad faith actors wilfully misinterpret what I'm saying: Mental health problems don't cause abuse.

But they can be one of many contributing factors. If you have a disorder like my own (which I certainly headcanon Ed as sharing!) where you are incredibly sensitive and reactive to any hint of negativty or rejection, you have to expend genuine time and energy on learning techniques to control yourself, for the sake of others. When that doesn't happen... well, I was excited to see the consequences depicted graphically on screen.

But no matter the cause, you still have to take responsibility for the harm you perpetuate?? And I want to see that on screen, too!

If you were physically mutilating a guy repeatedly over whom you held power as his captain (and no, Izzy did not 'deserve it'; get your victim-blaming bullshit out of here), and you kept everyone else in a perpetual state of fear in the hopes that one of them would snap and kill you..... you still did that? Even if you were motivated by suicidality?

If you forced two people who deeply cared for each other to fight to the death, because your mental health was so awful that you couldn't believe that love was real......... you still chose to hurt them in such a deeply personal way?

If you chased a guy around with a knife For Funsies and made him constantly break down in tears because you were so engrossed in your own issues that you genuinely didn't realise you were traumatising him... You still traumatised him!

Exploring what comes next is incredibly interesting. It could have made a great plot about accepting accountability for one's actions - but also understanding that even people who've done terrible things can change and heal (although obviously, their victims owe them nothing).

Like. Excuse me for wanting to explore such a complex, fascinating, multi-faceted storyline centred on mental health issues near and dear to my heart for one of my favourite characters? And for being disappointed that the show and half the fandom took the simple & boring way out by pushing all of The Atrocities under a rug, because they struggle to love a character who has done abhorrent things?

[chisamayas]

GALDSY/GLADLES IS AN EMOTIONAL ABUSER AND MANIPULATOR.

Please read through the document before making an opinion. The document is 400++ pages for a reason.

Reshares are very appreciated

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Emotional abuse, discussions of self harm and suicide, eating disorders, mentions physical abuse through parent, mentions of child grooming, transphobia, misgendering, ableism

TLDR below cut!

Gal would be refered to as G, and Maya would be refered to as M.

About M:

M comes from a emotional and physical abusive household and has no prior social circle before and during the course of the relationship. M has an ED (bulimia) and also comes from a low income family. M is autistic, has depression and cptsd.

Beginning:

- G n M were in relationship from 02/03/23 - 12/03/24 (DD/MM/YY)

- During this period, G would be both emotionally abusive and manipulative towards M

- M was in a pedophilia relationship with an older women who had been grooming her for 3 years when G first met M

- G would then proceed to get M out of that relationship in the pretense of not approving of the relationship in nature (G already had feelings towards M and made M chose between their friendship or the relationship)

During the RS

- M was highly codependent towards G as M has no other support system outside of the RS

- This would lead to G slowly mistreating M due to the power imbalance of the rs

- G would be dismissive towards M's feelings and interests during the relationship

- G would find M's interests annoying -> M would stop talking about it -> G would only be less cold, annoyed and angry when they slept tgt -> M would do everything to please G so G would show care -> M shaped her life based on what G wanted

- G would constantly lovebomb M with gifts. G would usually buy gifts for M if they had any disagreements

- G would often threaten to break up with M whenever M brought up things -> G would then proceed to lovebomb to move on from the matter

- M's ED is also caused by the financial struggles at home -> restrictive eating -> G starts paying for food -> M becomes reliant on food from G

- G would comment on the bones on M's body -> Causing M the need to feel more validated to be as thin as possible

Bday incident:

- It was G's bday and G was overseas

- M had been having depressive episodes -> tried to hold back for G's bday -> M couldn't take it anymore and fell into an episode -> M felt extremely suicidal

- M confided in G about this

- G tried to dismiss the fact -> G asked why M couldn't do this on another day

- G implying M was selfish for feeling suicidal on G's bday

- G was saying M was selfish and ruined G's bday

- G would then proceed to imply M was at fault for the whole thing

- M was literally contemplating suicide the whole day

- G kept going "Stop" "Listen to me" "Stop" "Do you feel guilty"

- Ended on G going "don't kill yourself or whatever"

- This event would lead to G constantly bringing it up that M "ruined" everything

After the Bday

- M eventually confided to a friend about what happen -> G said that the opinion of the friend changed M's view on what happened

- Friend said G was being emotionally manipulative about the situation

- G started accusing M of ruining that day again and kept blaming M

- G didn't listent to what M had to say

- Eventually M would apologised and admit is her fault -> G finally calmed down and showed affection

- G would keep getting M to apologise for being "terrible"

- Causing a cycle which M would bring up an issue -> G would threatened to break up -> M begging for G to not leave and saying sorry multiple times -> G eventually showing affection

WHY BREAKUP?

- G told M that she was bored of her

- G would claim that there was ‘no more spark’

- G admitted that she saw M as a burden

- M reached out to strangers on discord to ask for their opinion

- was informed that everything that had been going on was emotional abuse

- M was pushed to break up with G

AFTER THE BREAKUP:

- both decided to stay in contact as friends

- 2 weeks after breaking up, G tried to guilt trip M into meeting up in real life with her. M said no.

- M and G met up multiple times after the breakup

- During the meetups, G would constantly touch M without permission (lean head on shoulder, hold arm, bump shoulders etcetc.) M was uncomfortable but didn’t say anything (there was a witness for this)

- long story short G lovebombed M with gifts and affection and made M dependent on her again but more purposely this time.

- G then withdrew everything

- G became cold and distant again and M has to beg for affection again

Others:

- G would constantly misgender a trans person and have ableistic humor with her friend group. (The group would often throw the r-slur)

[crystalstunes]

crystal's tunes #3: Romance is Boring by Los Campesinos! (2010)

"First and foremost, oh, let it be said/I am writing this at 7:10AM/On the hard dry tarmac of a vacant forecourt/Astronomically speaking, it's the first day of Autumn." - I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know (Track 11) this album has been a staple of my taste for years, it's overdue that i write about it, and of course the first day of autumn is the perfect time.

the third Los Campesinos! album, romance is boring, is the perfect cap on the original lineup era of the band. containing some of their greatest lyrical work, satisfying instrumentals and a sense of humour that perfectly harmonizes with some of it's more sombre themes. released less than 2 years after their debut album (and 1.5 after their sophomore), this album is a much more mature in its songwriting, but retaining the immature, verbose lyrics they're known for, referencing romance and sex often despite the album title. however, these are largely about toxic relationships and miscommunications, with gareth usually portrayed as pathetic in the narrative of the songs.

one great example of this is Straight In At 101, one of the most iconic songs from the album. the track starts very directly with the line "I think we need more post-coital, and less post rock/Feels like the build-up takes forever, but you never get me off", and then progressively describes a break-up, getting cold feet, and a series of failed attempts to get laid, before finding out that his breakup didn't even make it onto a tv show of the 100 most heart-wrenching breakups of all time. he should be happy about this, but is instead embarrassed and shameful for his breakup not being more devastating.

as we reach the second half of the album though, the tone begins to transition to themes of existentialism and mental health, though romance is still the through-line between the songs. gone is the occasional comedy of the first 7 tracks, now we have discussions of headstones as "rows of engraved middle teeth, hungry, waiting for me" - Who Fell Asleep In (Track 8), eating disorders, abuse and self-harm.

instrumentally there's a change in vibe here too, with a lot more slower-paced songs and darker chord sequences in this half. the lyrics also become more violent, and start making fun of the listener for being so invested - "broke down laughing and screaming for more, but if this changed your life, did you have one before?" - I Warned You: Do Not Make An Enemy Of Me (Track 9).

in I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know, the protagonist is unable to detatch himself from the person he has a crush on - "i've displayed marriage proposals on the jumbotron of ball games you've not been at/i've written eulogies in guest books in galleries in the hopes that you might pass" - but by the end of the song he finally realises his fault, but still deals with it in an immature way: "i promise after this i will pick up the phone book/and pick the name my eyes fall upon on their first look/aim all of my poorly composed declarations there in the future".

the emotional culmination of the album comes in the track The Sea Is A Good Place To Think About The Future, a song describing his girlfriend's declining mental health, and the unhealthy coping mechanisms she uses to deal with it, and the chorus describing the girlfriend's suicide by drowning herself in the ocean. the tone here is deadly serious, and the song is absolutely incredible.

the final track on the album, Coda: A Burn Scar In The Shape Of The Sooner State, leaves the end of the narrative intentionally, describing a death and then ending with the line "I can't believe you chose the mountains every time you chose the sea". overall this album is just the perfect encompassment of this original era of Los Campesinos!, from the instrumentation with violins, horns and duet vocals to the sexual lyrical content, sense of humour and unusual number of football references. i'd say it's their most essential album, and it's certainly influenced my taste in music since i first listened to it five years ago. i can't wait to see them live next week.

[goathico]

Spiderverse OC: Splitwidow

AU Details for fun :)

Story sinopsis from SpiderIguano's POV:

Radioactive spiders were set loose on my island by the US government. They started testing on my island 1955 days ago, they've done this before, mainly to our women and our sister island Vieques. This time it was most of the population, and it ended badly… again.

Some went insane, some died, others weren't affected, but a few of us... well... let's just say we got lucky.Many took advantage of this and went to attack the US government, others attacked our government, but they both failed. Shortly after they shut down the airports, but people have fled and come in just to see the havoc. As society crumbles we're focusing on lowering the crime rates while trying to keep our hopes up, but not me.

I didn't chose this, and I don't want this. I don't care about people, they couldn't care less about me to begin with. Not that I don't understand, because I do… and I'd ditch myself too.

Other story details:

These are spidersonas, self inserts (can't speak for spideriguano he didnt want me to clarify, but treat it with respect). SpiderIguano belongs to a friend who would like to stay anonymous.

The story is a very short cómic about two friends dealing with having complicated mental disorders and trauma background that ended up destroying their relationship.

Split (my spidersona)

Split is a man who isolates when he's going through harship, he usually warns of his need of space but this still strains his relationships. If anyone hurts him too many times he usually cuts ties with them immediately. He's a man on a journey, and although he's struggling mentally he wants to heal desperately and will do anything to get better. And this leads him to a journey of taking matters in to his own hands and stopping those who severely harm others.

Splitwidow is known to roam in the shadows, no one's seen him or knows what his suit even looks like. But what they do know is his behavior can go from erratic and unplanned to calculated and complex. He works alone. An urban legend of sorts. The male siren and black widow.

Iguano (not mine)

The anger in him fuels his every day life. He didnt have a filter and the price wasnt just his reputation but everything he had. His heart was in the right place and he thought that was all that mattered, but he went about it the worst way he posibly could've chosen. Turns out being cruel with good intentions wasnt going to be taken right by many, he recognized he was in the wrong. He was no victim, he became the very thing he hated, a bully and at wost an abuser. It angered him to see his friends hurting and staying in places that ruined them more. He'd do anything to try and get them out. Thus the bridges burned, and nothing was the same.

He decided he won't have any friends until he can prove to himself he can change, he can be kind and caring. He wont try to control, even if he has good intentions, it wasnt his place to do whatever he wanted. His childhood will not define him anylonger. His anger will not control him. He will be better.

Motivated by growth and the idea that although he can't be forgiven, he can atone and make up for all the harm he's done to others. Especially the friend he accidentally hurt in their lowest moment. He dresses up at night and patrols around town to find some peace of mind. Reflecting on his behavior and ways to deal with himself from the roots of his issues. He drifts inside his own moral dilema. What are you supposed to do when your friends are stuck in a dangerous relationship and they refuse to leave?

It kept him up at night.

During his patrol he discovers the spider verse society who have tried their hardest to deal with the islands mess. Every Puerto Rican and their mother despises them and what theyre chosing to do. Something something, the canon is broken. Along the way the Rebells find him and try to convince him to join, the rebellion is lead by Teo, someone who despite being bitten by a spider didnt develop anything special, the unsuspecting genius trying to stop the spidercanon police. After getting close to Teo, he finds out about Split who's known to not trust anyone except, well, Teo.

If he can heal enough to become a better person, befriending that Split idiot might as well be his biggest achievement in this journey.

[ahollowyear]

Having mom thoughts again. Aside from Gaiman's shit, I also read about Alice Munro and how she chose her pedo husband over her own daughter.

Some excerpts and tough stuff below the cut.

"someone who had no clue who needed to be forgiven" just hits me through the heart. My situation is different in that my own mother perpetrated the abuse, and to this day she says it didn't happen and it wasn't that bad if it did and actually it was my fault for being a "difficult child." But anyway, it wasn't abuse and didn't happen. But could anyone blame her if it did? It didn't tho. But I would have deserved it! But it didn't happen. I just have "mental problems."

My partner told me recently that she's pushing to see my son in person. My partner told my mother that doing things without me would be weird. And my mother snaps back, "well, she made her choice."

As if my choice has nothing to do with her behavior and the frankly bizarre projection she puts on me. As if 6 solid years of screaming, hitting, gaslighting abuse didn't leave a scar across my life like an asteroid impact. As if the previous 12 years of authoritarian escalating punishments, blaming me for my ADHD symptoms (you're lazy and also doing it on purpose to upset me!) and the ascribing of normal childhood developments to pathological personality disorders didn't soften me up for it. What an asshole.

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

As I was working on the letter to my parents about going no-contact, I tried looking for examples because I was so lost in how to approach it but most of what I found was a bunch of ableist garbage (can we please stop assuming abusive parents have a personality disorder?!)

So now that I've sent the letter and feel pretty good about how it turned out, I thought I'd share it here for anyone else who is thinking of cutting off a parent.

Before writing it, I had decided that I didn't want to address any of the abuse with them. When I've brought it up before they just tried to gaslight me and I don't need to deal with that. Instead I chose to focus on their transphobia as it is also a valid reason for why I want to go no-contact, but it's less vulnerable to address (for me).

To Mom and Dad,

I want to start by saying that I'm not asking you to change your values or beliefs. This is not an attempt to force you to accept me. This is a boundary I need to set because of my own values.

Over the past few years, trans rights have become a major point of political discourse. And lately, Republican attacks on trans people have increased. Over the past few months, this has escalated to calls for the eradication/elimination of "transgenderism" which is a call for the eradication of people like me.

I'm sure you think I'm overreacting or being dramatic, but I have watched this country rapidly become less safe for me and other trans people. And yet you still support politicians who want to eradicate me. Who call people like me groomers and child abusers.

The Republican party is working to enact genocide against trans people. I don’t feel safe with anyone who still supports them, and I’m sorry to say that includes you.

And I can no longer just pretend this isn't happening to try to maintain our relationship. It's been nearly a year and half since I came out. Dad, I don't think I've ever heard you use my name. And Mom, you may use my name sometimes, but you've shown again and again that you will swap back to my old name and pronouns as soon as you think I can't hear. I'm not interested in half-hearted placations as you make it clear how little you respect me.

While you may see this as "just politics", I don't have that luxury. These new laws are targeting people like me. These politicians are calling for my eradication.

Going forward, I do not wish to have any contact. This is not a decision I've made lightly nor quickly. I have spent years and years carefully navigating conversations and having to keep quiet about so much to be able to maintain some form of a relationship with you, but I’m no longer interested in trying to force myself into an acceptable form for you. It may not have been spoken, but I’ve long understood that your love for me has always been conditional. I am a gay trans man. I know you can’t accept that, and I’m not interested in your “love the sinner, not the sin” mentality. This is who I am, not a “sin” that can be separated off and rejected. But, again, I don’t expect or ask you to change your beliefs. I know how strongly you hold your faith. But this is what I need to do to hold to my own values.

I ask that you don't try to contact me. I will not be responding.

[cooltf2facts]

i wish that you could block posts on mobile so i didn't have to see the ask about someones dead dad

it makes me wanna tear my skin off because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT TO A TF2 ASK BLOG

I’m very sorry, I can find the post and tag it as “parent death tw” if that would help.

As for whether or not that should have been sent to this blog…I actually debated about answering it when I first saw it. Because on one end, I like being able to help others just a tiny bit even if it’s through fictional characters, but I also can’t help but feel uncomfortable when people send me really personal stuff. I mean, I chose to answer the ask in question just because I thought I could make it something kind of lighthearted and help someone out.

Here’s the thing, though: I have gotten asks and submissions before that were far worse than this one. People send me insanely personal shit and I really think I need to expand the rules so that doesn’t happen anymore. I’ve gotten asks about eating disorders, intense trauma, parental abuse, and basically a lot more upsetting topics that, for some reason, these anons think a random person should get to hear all about just because they’re role playing as video game characters on the internet.

I wanna make it clear: I really hope all of you get help for the shit you go through, I truly do. Nobody deserves any of that. But I am a human being. I’m not a chat bot, I’m not a therapist, and I’m not any sort of fictional character. Please, please, PLEASE keep this in mind when you send me asks. I made a post about this a year ago, but it seems to keep happening over and over. Please get the help you need but remember that I am a person just like you.

[crazylil-lion]

Gotta be said.

FUCK BPD STIGMA

I really hate how someone can be in a relationship with someone suspected of having bpd and they instantly use it as a fucking weapon.

Oh person with bpd is unfaithful. Oh person with bpd isn't worth dating.

The worst one people with bpd should be locked up and not able to have children.

The amount of EXTREMELY fucked up things people say about anyone with a personality disorder is absurd.

These people will say oh yeah I ignored them because I didn't feel like responding for like 6hrs and they blew up about why I hate them. Must be their fault too needy thats manipulative and thats it.

People sit here and manipulate, gaslight people with bpd into thinking the abuse they suffer is their fault. They continue to be invalidated and more symptoms show because they are being manipulated and used.

A normal person doesn't understand how quickly our emotions change. Does that mean the emotions are fake or not valid? FUCK NO. THEY ARE VALID FEELINGS WE FEEL. If I come to you saying hey my brain is telling me this I feel this way even if it wasn't intentional you upset me by whatever trigger.

This isn't manipulative.

It's just like people with narcissistic abuse.

Its not narcissistic abuse because your abuser shows 1 or 2 symptoms of npd.

EVERYONE. shows symptoms of mental illness in their daily lives. Read through the dsm v. Look at the traits you see in everyone that are assumed narcissistic behaviors.

Emotional abuse, gaslighting those are real.

The term narc abuse came from people needing to blame a group of people instead of their abuse for the pain they caused.

I was abused multiple times by someone who doesn't have npd.

Yet she showed multiple symptoms of being a narcissist so do people that are addicts.

Regardless of your experience with 1 person or a few people that maybe display some traits you can't blame a group of people.

Narcissist abuse does not exist.

Emotional abuse does.

Claiming to know otherwise when you AREN'T A PSYCHOLOGIST is albeist. Not everyone with a personality disorder is the same.

Not everyone who is mentally "normal" is a good person. Most of these people are "normal"

And a majority of the "narcissists" people call out don't have npd. They are just awful fucking people who display a few traits of it. Yet if you read through EVERYONE displays traits of mental illness even the "normal" people.

So instead of being judgemental we need to listen to the people WHO LIVE WITH THIS. Who struggle everyday to feel real. Who struggle everyday with the intense crippling emotions.

Because the truth is you don't fucking understand what its like to be damaged all the way down to your core.

To your personality. You don't know what it's like inside my mind at least do some fucking research before you try to make ridiculous general comments about everyone with a personality disorder.

You aren't an expert. You are just some asshole that thinks they are better than people with pd and people who refuse to accept ANY responsibility for how they treated those people with pd.

If tou intentional trigger me over and over I will blow up at you. Is that my fault? No you chose to keep pushing my boundaries. You chose to use my pd as a weapon against me. You deserve to be yelled at for being an asshole and get blocked.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I don't expect anything from you, I needed to tell someone who's into the matter.

I have, for some while, suspected I have a dissociative disorder. But I had no bulletproof evidence. It was rather "feeling right" the more I learned about it. Sometimes I was 100% certain and sometimes I was 100% certain I am just making it up. I accepted that, and since I anyways need a therapist, delayed the question till then.

I started writing diary (not in a classic way, just all my thoughts) when I was 14 and since I'll finish another book today, I thought about starting the next one with reviewing my old diaries and maybe I'll find some interesting thought I can copy and comment with my new knowledge (I am 23 now).

I wanted to be in the perfect headspace for it, so it won't trigger me as much (I was in psychiatry when I started it) and yesterday evening I was just looking for the dates, so I can put the books in the right order. I still needed to scroll through them, because back then I didn't care about writing down the dates carefully, and I saw something:

A list of names of "alter egos" with their personality traits, their looks, their attitude etc.

I did remember some names, but some are absolutely foreign to me.

Idk, it wasn't triggering, I just thought "I was pretty broken back then already", but it is another evidence that strengthens my belief in a dissociative disorder, and, compared to my other ones, which could also just be symptoms of other mental illnesses, a valid one.

And another old thought came back into my mind, when I read that:

I am following a Youtuber with a DID, who didn't know until she was in her 30s and in hindsight found out, that her former ANP, who managed her life until her 20s, couldn't do it anymore and was replaced.

When I heard that, it reminded me of something: After I was released from psychiatry, I completely collapsed. I had expected and wished to be taken from my family, or at least, that my family would now be more careful with me. But it just started where it all ended, so, when my doctor called me a week later to check in, I absolutely collapsed, like I have never before or after. I was admitted for another weekend, and after that, it worked. The way I managed to live with the abuse changed (and with that, it didn't affect me as much emotionally), I kinda gave up and just accepted my life, I stopped self harming one day to another. I became dissociated from my feelings and I took on a new name, a (in my country) male one. Not on purpose, it just happened. I happened to not feel connected to my birth name anymore and for some reasons chose that one. I am afab but gender was and is a very complicated topic, but back then I started to view and present myself as male.

And when I heard the story from that system, all the last paragraph, all these information came into my mind and I thought, if that might've happened to me too.

And yesterday, on that list, there wasn't the name I am using still now (though my inspiration for it was way older than the book). There were only female ones and I just thought "Why did no one of them replace [birth name]?" If it was only for a new self-expression

All the people in my real life aren't very familiar with mental health, trauma etc. so, I can't just tell them the new information and hope they'll understand the context. Which is why I needed to annoy you with it, sorry.

It feels like a puzzle, completing itself with every new information. From a mere feeling to maybe something more?

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through, and please know that you're not annoying us by sending this ask. It can be important to talk out these thoughts and experiences, and bounce them off another person.

It's normal to fluctuate between believing you're a system and feeling like you're making it up. Understanding the self can be a confusing, complex, and endless process. Please know that self-discovery and understanding can be a gradual process and it's okay to have moments of uncertainty and doubt. Keeping a journal can definitely help not only in discovering who you are but whether or not there are other parts of you as well.

It sounds like you have a few experiences that could be explained by a dissociative disorder, but it's also important to remember we're of course incapable of diagnosis. The insight of a professional might be more accurate and useful to you.

Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who is knowledgeable about dissociative disorders, can help you navigate these complexities. A therapist can guide you through the process of understanding your symptoms, exploring potential diagnoses, and providing the necessary support along the way.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Don't Wake Me Up Not Dreamin'

by DownTheRabbitTrail At first glance Thomas was sure the victim was already long gone, just a burned, mangled husk attached to tubes and wires. But he was shocked to see that the heart monitor was slowly beeping. “What happened?” Thomas immediately questioned. “There was an explosion in an abandoned building around Park Row. He was found in the rubble. He was resuscitated on the scene and coded once in the ambulance. Aside from severe burns, broken bones and trauma the worst injury seems to be a wound at his throat caused by a sharp object.” They rattled off more information as Thomas quickly prepped for surgery. Every second was going to have to count to save this one. or Jason dies in the exposition after his throat is cut by Batman's batarang. But somehow he wakes up he in an alternate universe where Thomas and Martha Wayne didn't die, and Bruce never became Batman. Lost and alone Jason struggles with his injuries and his own existence, but the Waynes are determined to help him every step of the way. Jason finds himself the pseudo older brother to a teenage Dick and a baby Damian. Little do the Wayne's know that Jason has a knack for "adopting" kids. He starts with his own tiny counterpart. Words: 862, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics), Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: F/M, Gen Characters: Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Thomas Wayne, Damian Wayne, Tim Drake, Alfred Pennyworth, Talia al Ghul, Cassandra Cain, Stephanie Brown Relationships: Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd & Everyone, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Jason Todd and Jason Todd Additional Tags: Jason Todd is Red Hood, Jason Todd-centric, Jason Todd Has PTSD, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Gets A Hug, Jason Todd Deserves Better, Jason Todd Gets Help, Jason Todd Tries to Be a Good Older Sibling, Protective Jason Todd, Protective Bruce Wayne, Good Parent Bruce Wayne, Bruce Wayne is Not Batman, Martha Wayne and Thomas Wayne Live, Good Parent Thomas Wayne, Dick Grayson is a Ray of Sunshine, Good Sibling Dick Grayson, Protective Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson is Not Robin, Kid Dick Grayson, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, Tim Drake Gets a Hug, Tim Drake is Not Robin, Baby Damian Wayne, Kid Cassandra Cain, Kid Stephanie Brown, Bad Parents Jack and Janet Drake, Good Parent Talia al Ghul, Protective Talia al Ghul, Bad Parent Willis Todd, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Panic Attacks, Chronic Pain, Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Doctor Bruce Wayne, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Capes, Jason Todd Whump, Found Family, Family Fluff, Platonic Cuddling, Tim Drake Joins the Batfamily Early, Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Crying, Good Grandparent Alfred Pennyworth, Family Bonding, Anxiety, Nightmares, Dissociation, Family Feels, Medical Inaccuracies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Healing, No beta - We die like Jason Todd, Jason Todd's Batarang Scar via https://ift.tt/dvLDNbC

[myautismranting]

TUESDAY FEBUARY 20 2024

Hoarding disorder

I'm watching the most recent video from Nikko Ortiz, it's called "NEVER LIVE with a hoarder...", and one thing that bothers me is he is treating it like just messy people and not an actual mental condition.....and he's very disrespectful about it saying things like "don't blame others for your mess" when it comes to a lady who hoard due to an abusive marriage with a narssacist...hoarding js a hoarding DISORDER...and then saying send them away to clean.....that makes it worse.....they hoard due to severe trauma....the things they keep are an extension to themselves at the time...losing that all with ZERO control....means they will fall back into those behavior...and I unsubscribed...it is a MENTAL DISORDER....it's not as easy as just cleaning up the house.....it's a type of OCD....OBSESSIVE HAORDING, COMPULSIVE COLLECTING, AND FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT IT.....they aren't hoarding because they want to.....they do it as a form of control during trauma...they often feel EXTREME shame and disgust in themselves for the behavior.....but they can't JUST CLEAN.....ITS A MENTAL DISORDER.....they need a whole team of therapy available, and EXTENSIVE support systems....it is not easy to just clean

I subscribed today, and unsubscribed today....I don't support that behavior and I don't think he has a right to discuss that topic without proper research and understanding that it isn't just being a messy person....he clearly did not take time to understand that these people have mental disorders causing the hoard....and they don't just do it because they want to but they feel like they HAVE TO.....and he did NOT do that research and instead chose to degrade and bully those people who have sever mental disorders instead of having empathy and understanding that they are already shameful of the hoard and they didn't want it to get as bad as it did.....Nikko Ortiz....do better....you have been doing this long enough to understand how important mental health is....and yet you blatantly didn't do your research....yet you will do research on police video, firefighter video, and military content, stick to the shit you care about....because clearly its not mental health and respecting those who need help and being empathetic to them

[promiseiwillwrite]

Your own Eye in the Mirror

Critters and creatures, this is a very hard post. You would likely do better to keep scrolling rather than baring witness to the dust at the bottom of my soul.

There was a time in my past when I thought that I lived according to my values, and the motivations in my heart would lead me along a path where I could live life and always be able to look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror.

I have spent Countless hours of my life looking at myself in the mirror. I have Excoriation Disorder based on body horror that I still haven't broken, and it started with me pulling out my eyelashes when I was 6, and has been full blown since I was 13. The Bathroom has been one of my only refuges in my life. A place where my abusers won't generally follow. So I have spent a Huge amount of time there... Staring at and picking at my own face.

When you learn that there is something fucked up in your model of the world, at that core framework level, and you understand that you have been wrong about something for Decades, eventually, you look back with that knowledge.

You see with greater clarity your mistakes and the role your thoughts and feelings and actions played in the worst parts of your life.

Two of the most significant relationships I had I chose to end because I believed that I was not loved by the other person. Given their behavior, and my knowledge at the time, given the circumstances, and everything I can see from this new perspective, I thought there would be Regret.

Certainly there is bitterness. Certainly there is Sadness. In both cases I should have left fucking sooner. But I did not value myself then as I do now. I didn't think I deserved better, and I didn't think I could find anything better. I am not the same person I was. Perhaps these people did love me in their way. Perhaps I was a bad person for thinking I could hold others to my own standards of behavior for love and finding everyone lacking when it was unreasonable to do so. Telling myself that they didn't care let me make the break.

Telling myself that I should be the most important person in someone's life, as they were in mine. I had put them before myself for years. But as years passed, they emphasized my importance less and less, but didn't want to part with the Benefits of being so cherished and centered and cared for. I felt justified in leaving because they did not care about me, or what I wanted. And they lied to my face when they told me they loved me. And they took me for granted, and used my pathological guilt as a weapon against me.

Except maybe not. Maybe that was the story I had to tell myself about them, so I could see another choice in an equation that had never been balanced.

What I did not expect was that seeing it would take me back to loss I never let myself feel. Like it simply waited for me.

Looking myself in the eye in the mirror is no harder.

I know why I did what I did. It wasn't out of malice. I wanted to be loved the way I wanted to be loved. I just didn't understand that that probably wasn't possible for other people.

And let's be real, no one should have to experience love as I have felt it. No one should have to love so desperately. No one should have to feel the anguished uncertainty I have known.

And now... Now that I know what I know... I don't know what I want anymore.

I know my value does not come from whether or not someone wants to Fuck me. I know that just because someone doesn't want me sexually doesn't mean they don't want me around at all. I know that people will act according to their own internal experiences and motivations, and not according to my idea of what I thought those were in everyone. So they might not feel urgently that I need to be treated a certain way in order to make me feel loved, as I once believed. I know that people can't read your fucking mind, and that they have No chance of treating you the way you want to be treated without you Letting them know what that even is. And I know that shrinking away in fear of disturbing them, and being invisible and never rocking the boat to preserve the status quo in order to keep the good thing you have can be just as deleterious to a relationship as screaming and fighting all the time.

And feel like I just want to see clearly. I feel like I have been ruled by survival stories, and that they have never reflected reality well.

And I feel at a loss. Because I feel like my life could have at least been easier with this knowledge. Maybe it wouldn't have Hurt so much. Maybe I wouldn't have been so willing to believe that no one cared. Maybe that thought wouldn't have been so painful. Maybe the love of others wouldn't have felt like such a lie.

And I still feel like it would be grand, to be loved in the way I have loved others, and the way I have imagined others loving me.

But there is no hope left in me for that.

And it is a time of mourning. This, I think is the loss I have been suffering slowly since someone first told me that "your yellow is not my yellow" and that nothing would ever let me know the heart and feelings of another. Humans aren't built that way, and fucking Magic like that isn't real.

It is the Loneliest feeling. It is the desert at night. It is learning that you can never really touch anything because of physics. It is all the bad dreams being proven true. Ripping the band-aid off of reality.

Was this the reflection of reality I expected to see?

Is the illusion continually unfulfilled any better?

What exists after this? So many times I have simply gotten up, and gone to work and brushed it off and told myself not to think about it, not to feel it, and move on with life, and stop whining.

So How, What do you do to honor loss like this?

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

TW: trauma dumping, toxic rant, really needed to rant and be toxic for a sec (or many seconds)

It's kinda unfair that having abusive parents/being abused in your childhood immediately means you don't deserve love later in life because you're simply too broken to be loved and would end up being a burden to others.

And it's just like "those people with emotional burdens and trauma should go to therapy" but like otherwise if you still have x disorder or are still traumatized you don't deserve it (???) bc having to love someone as broken and unhealthy as you wouldn't be fair to the other person. The only way you get to interact with people is if you are fully healed and over whatever thing you went through.

"no one should have to parent their partners/friends"

And I get that but at the same time...

At the same time it's like... What if I don't want to get over my trauma? What if I can't?!

BELIEVE ME IF I COULD I WOULD. It's not like I choose to have flashbacks everytime there's a loud booming noise or a certain word being used, and I HATE having nightmares on a daily basis that consist of my family making my life a living hell.

I know I'm not entitled to anyone "loving" me or anyone's affection, but at the same time this narrative that people have to be perfect and "healed" and "healthy", and if it's not it's toxic, is so frustrating because...

How about all the times they told me it was in my natal chart that no one would ever love me because of my zodiac signs and shit and that they felt sorry for whoever had the displeasure of meeting me and even more for whoever had to tolerate me as a romantic partner in the future???

Well I didn't ASK my parents to abuse me as much as they might say so. The time they locked me outside when it was raining bc I was being a "whiny bitch" so I should just "sleep outside like a dog" and was "asking" for it wasn't bc I wanted to be a toxic person in the future. Nor the times my parents locked me in my room for two days and kept me from "eating" as a punishment, or when they sat me down for HOURS to show me videos of starving children in Africa and telling me it was my fault they were starving because I was a picky eater, or the times they decided they needed to take their anger out on something and they chose me so at best I got slapped or the "chancla" and at worst they threatened to use a belt on me and asked me to get on my knees and lift my shirt so that they could whip me with it and it could "hurt" properly so I could learn what a huge nuisance I was, nor the time my grandpa kept sexualizing me and rubbing my thigh ever since I was 12 and when I started pulling away from him bc it made me uncomfy even though I didn't know what was happening everyone chose to demonize me and call me schizophrenic for being "so mean" to him.

What about all the times my brother literally TRIED TO KILL ME?!?!? Bc our parents were so neglectful and he didn't know how to deal with jealousy so he wanted to get rid of me such as once almost drowning me in a pool by tying me down, or when he threw a chair at my head, nearly chopped my finger with a door and landed me in the hospital, or another time when he tried to push me off a cliff when we were hiking?; or more simply the time he got all my friends to turn on me on MY BIRTHDAY and humiliated me so they started beating me up and after that day I started getting bullied relentlessly in school too?

I also didn't CHOOSE TO HAVE MY BEST FRIEND DIE OF FUCKING CANCER WHEN I WAS 12, OR MY OTHER GRANDPA DIE THE DAY OF MY GRADUATION!

Or what about this, the time we had to choose to put my 14 year old dog down when I was 17 and all the responsibility fell on me because my parents couldn't decide??? According to my mom I was a monster for delaying the inevitable and keeping my dog alive and suffering, while according to my dad I was a monster if I chose to put her down bc she was "his" dog and I would be killing her.

Nononono let's go bigger here shall we?!?

Oh also! Did I mentioned that my father disowned me before I even came out bc overall I'm such a disgrace and embarrassment to them?!?

How about all the times my parents have told me I owed them for all the money they have put into feeding me and raising me? And the fact that I haven't been able to pay them back EVEN THOUGH I'M 21, and the fact that I chose a shitty career is further proof that I'm a failure?!? Even though according to them I FUCKING SUCK AT EVERYTHING I DO AND AM A DISGRACE AND DISAPPOINTMENT TO EVERYONE?!? Like when I had my last piano recital and moments before it my dad promised to give me a "good well deserved beating" when we got home after that because he found out I was suicidal and I was such an entitled brat for that.

What about all the times my mom complained about me having ruined her life and told me about how much she wanted to leave my dad and how sexless their marriage was, but she stuck around because of me so it was MY FAULT, and other times she told I was the reason she wanted to divorce him and have nothing to do with us (bc I was so intolerable and she hated living with me) bc again I was such a bitch so it would be MY FAULT if my parents got a divorce?!? Bc either way I ruin lives? Whether they stayed together or not IT WAS MY FAULT SOMEHOW. Oh yeah that brings me to... ALL THE TIMES MY FUCKING FAMILY HAS ASKED ME TO KILL MYSELF!!! My mom once even put a knife in my hand and told me to do it, another time my grandma started insulting me and telling me how I just ruined everyone's lives and make everyone around me miserable so I should do everyone a favor and kill myself already, save them the trouble of having to put up with me more.

But sure I asked them to do this! When I was born I asked them to fucking traumatize me!

The reason they treated me like this is bc I made them right?! Which is not fair bc I didn't even fucking choose to be born! And I didn't CHOOSE to get raised like this!

Nor the fact that everything they did to me still haunts me to this day.

And Oh believe me, I've been to therapy... 7 THERAPISTS!!!!! FOR YEARS!!!! and even the fucking therapists have either gaslit me, taken my family'd side or told me it was my fault I was abused because I let them etc and the reason I wasn't "over it" was because I wasn't trying "hard enough"!

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT?!?!?

So the fact that others got to grow up in a loving family and I didn't and therefore people like me are inherently unlovable for that is just... Unfair to me and makes me even more depressed :/

Like... I didn't fucking CHOOSE to be traumatized or have so many disorders that make me "toxic" and "unfit" to interact with people

[unlady-like-12-25-36]

Romanoff's Delight

_Chapter 1_ Natasha Romanoff x f!reader

Warning: Mentions and descriptions of abuse, and eating disorder. I think that's it. If there are any more, I should add that's also a trigger warning, lmk. I do not control what you consume online. You have been warned!

A/n: If any of the content is triggering for you, do not read or skip the y/n pov part since that is the only part of this fic that I put a warning for. If you chose to read this fic and have been triggered, please seek help and do not send any hate to me or any other amazing mutual writers out there just b/c you chose to ignore warnings! I will come after you if any of you do! You have been warned!

A/sn: age gap relationship. Nat is 33 and r is 20. Sry if i failed to put this up earlier 😅

A/sn 2: This fic was heavily inspired by Bazzi's new album Infinite dream. If y'all are interested plz go listen to it on Spotify or apple music or anywhere it's available. Also, I found it interesting that there is a dessert out there called Strawberry Romanoff and its origin is really interesting. so I was inspired to name it after our fav Tasha Bear.

<! --- --- > - means the start and end of anyone's pov

Word count: 3,906 🤷‍♀️ If any of that matters. Also sry if it's very long for a first chapter 😅

________________

"Does it hurt?" Asked the rabbit. "Sometimes," said the skin horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt." - Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

_Earth 616 Norway_ 2016_

As Natasha arrived back at her safehouse from the store, she finished the rest of her coffee and briefly prepared herself before leaving the car for anything that could be secretly waiting for her inside. With a careful step, she entered her trailer house as quietly as possible while holding her gun in front as a safe way to take point of the area if it ever was unsafe. When Natasha had come across her bedroom, she had let her guard down when she had heard her friend snoring away on her bed. Just then, as she kept her movements as quiet as possible, a look of mischief bore her face as she got closer to see if her friend, Mason, was still asleep before lightly kicking him awake, causing him to gasp in surprise.

"You're in my bed."

"I'm.. I'm not under the covers," he says to justify his reason for sleeping on her bed, even if he wasn't under the covers. Yet, that didn't mean she wasn't unhappy about it.

"Got everything on my list?"

"Got passports, entry visas, a couple of local driver's licenses. Mix and match; you should be able to stretch it to 20 or so identities."

"Fanny Longbottom?"

"What?"

"What, are you 12?"

"That's a legitimate name," he says, chuckling. "We got a generator outside. It's petrol-powered, and septic tank will flush in a couple of weeks. But you know, I have a guy coming for that. You have to haul your rubbish into town. It's just a 20-minute drive. And I've got your basic hardware kit stashed under the stairs."

"Nice," she says as gratefully as she can without giving away how distraught she is at how easy it was for the Avengers to break apart and take sides over a political deal multiple countries had signed. However, that quickly fails as Mason immediately senses that not everything is ok. Or so he thinks, as Natasha had only ever called him when she needed something, nothing more. Though she longed for a family she's never had, the Avengers she strove so hard to keep together make it as though it wasn't as it seemed or something she hoped it would be.

As Natasha deflected Mason's attempts to get her to open up a little about how she felt about the situation, Mason soon realised that maybe he should stop trying as she's only kept him at arm's length—making him walk away disapprovingly. That night as she's settled in, she cracks a beer and heats a can of soup. At the same time, she watches one of her favourite James Bond movies on her laptop to comfort her as her concerns about her life begin to come to the forefront of her mind in the hopes of straying off any nightmares she might have tonight. With the stress of her situation and the mail brought from the Budapest safe house, the last thing she needs is a nightmare to deal with when she's spent the past few days staying out of Secretary Ross's radar.

_Earth 01 New York_2016_

<!--- Y/n's pov

When I returned to the house from school and settled in, my mind began drifting over to the many binders that contained photographs of our so-called family since I had lost all interest in finishing any of my homework. As I picked one off my bookshelf in my bedroom, I began to look through all the pictures of my very early years from the day they took me in. When I reached the end of my early years, especially my first picture in the whole album, I always found it strange that there was nothing written or even an image of how I was found or why I was left at their doorstep, leaving me to die potentially. However, as tempting as it is to think about all possible scenarios of why they chose not to tell me or leave anything regarding my origins, my feelings about my longing for a home, better life and relationships with other people that I could never have become increasingly evident. Let alone accept that I would never be accepted because I wasn't normal like everyone else. Especially the fact that I have eyes that are two completely different colours already says a lot. My right eye is green, while my left eye is brown. Heterochromia is what they call it. However, mine was complete rather than the normal variation of partial or split, leaving me to wonder which eye colour I was supposed to be born with since my body clearly couldn't choose one.

That night as I lay restless, I pulled out a picture of my beloved grandfather from underneath my pillow, savouring all the stories I'd heard about how close I was with him. And not to get too philosophically profound, but from observing families afar from my times outside, I'd like to think that from the time we were born, the world would feel it was in our hands. Something we can grasp within our hands, new, exciting, and worth exploring. Something I think we once had, our first experiences of the world take the form of love, some of its joy, and may even warmth. Others' first experiences, however, are of the less fortunate. They may not even know that feeling of love, joy or warmth until they become adults. However, at only five years old, nobody once told me to savour that sliver of a taste of love and happiness while it lasted.

Because once it's gone, you can never get it back. Since the day of my grandfather's funeral, I realised my childhood had ended, and so did a piece of my heart. From that day on, my family was never the same. Or should I say my "foster parents?" Ever since they had mysteriously taken me in, I've never really known what to call them since they've never felt like family to me, let alone be anything but parental figures in my life. I've known them to constantly fight while going on a spree of breaking anything they can get their hands on and treating me like I wasn't their own. That didn't mean I wasn't at least grateful for giving me some of my basic needs, no matter how much of that was out of pity. Since the funeral, they began to fight more often, my father's family started getting into each other's throats, and lastly, his family began targeting my mother again as if she were the cause of my loving grandfather's passing. And soon enough, I was also thrown into the deep end.

Little did I know, that would also mean that I would lose every piece of who I was or what it felt like was happening. Though that would be the first of many funerals, what struck me at the time was how I could never wrap my mind around others' perspectives of how or why people love to say and believe that children do not understand and have the concept of death. Still, to this day, I can't understand those others' perspectives of how children understand death. I've always seen it as a naive frame of thinking of how children see and understand the world. And quite frankly, I find that to be insulting. However, I am not a child anymore, and I find the feeling to be mutual regarding children. Nevertheless, that doesn't excuse them for condescending behaviour to outright call a child stupid for a concept they may or may not have. Yet, I may be biased to my own experience at that age, whereas I think children at five years old can somewhat grasp the concept of death just as much as they can understand love and joy.

In the year or two that followed, I began to have unhealthy feelings of self-consciousness, frequent thoughts of suicide and contemplated self-harm in many ways. At the time, I could not define the meaning of these feelings that were happening simultaneously. That is until I vocalised the word depressed to myself by asking myself if I was depressed. Yet, I was still in the process of understanding all those feelings and why I was always in a distressed state that caused me to cry myself to sleep, no matter how terrified I was to sleep alone at night. I even began weighing myself every week to see if I had met my mother's expected weight she wanted me to be causing my relationship with food to be compromised. Gradually, I started reducing the amount I ate every day. That's until I only ate half of what my small plate could contain, just like what my mother hoped I would. Yet the more guilty I felt about it as I craved more and ate more in secret.

As I grew older, those feelings of depression and its friend anxiety grew more unbearable, causing me not ever to eat whenever those feelings started to spiral inside my head and eventually led me to skip school altogether. I would also have days where I only ate two meals a day or did not even have a proper meal. I would even go on for days on meals consisting of peanut butter sandwiches or sandwiches containing only butter and sugar, only to briefly switch to appropriate meals as I was told by my mother to avoid any added blame or abuse.

To add to the pain I got through daily, my mother would even say the most demeaning things about me since the funeral, leaving me to feel like they were true even after all those years. And when I started to believe those lies, I began looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as the monster she saw in me. When I turned twelve, that's when I started to realise how twisted my mother's ways were. Then before I fully understood what was happening to me, I was found in an expected predicament of being forced to psychologically convince myself that I was romantically and sexually attracted to boys, not girls, when I was seen blushing one day at school over some boy I never even liked. In reality, I've always been romantically and sexually attracted to girls long before I was even aware that homosexuality was highly frowned upon. I even once cursed whoever had given me powers when they occasionally flared up. I never knew where they came from, much less who my birth parents were. Even at that moment, I questioned what it meant to be home or even to be a family. As the reality of the moment crashed down on me, that's when I knew the answer I'd been looking for lay within my heart. This torn-apart family, this house, and this life are none of those things I was made to believe. Hell, even this reality I was living in didn't feel real. Not when I spent most of my life without knowing what it's like to have feelings and be separated from the outside world.

Meanwhile, my older brother had it easy—way too easy for my taste, at least for me. I know it's shocking to me, too, to see that I'm not the only child. In fact, my brother, Dominic, is their only biological child. He's everything every parent wants in a child, even more so for a boy. Although I'd like to disagree, I'd admit I love him as much as they do. Both of us had our fair share of sibling rivalry and heartfelt moments. However, I can never agree on or bear at any given moment how easy it is for all of our family and extended family to argue and defend him as if he were their lord and saviour for the family's good reputation. Yet, I somehow put a bad name simply by breathing. That isn't to say that I despise him for being the golden child. It wasn't because of this toxic concept of family that made me love him, but what he did for me, or at least tried for my sake, as he was the only one in my dysfunctional family that saw me as his family whom he loved.

Since then, my days have felt like nothing but a constant mind-numbing nightmare. Though, the universe occasionally likes to sprinkle in bittersweet moments to mess with my mind to make it seem like I'm invertedly going insane. But if I were, I wouldn't be surprised if it was caused by the kind of life I have. Although lately, these days have felt a lot more gruelling than usual. You frustratedly sighed as you put your grandfather's photo underneath your pillow and got out of bed, knowing you wouldn't be able to go back to sleep anytime soon and that it's been hours since being woken up by your parents fighting again. As you rummaged around your room to find something to distract you, there was only so much you could do to make your life a little better.

Sure, listening to music does help cope with the noise, but not enough to make it better by any means truly. For drawing, it's nice but not enough to give you some substance to occupy your time and mind before wondering when it's safe to go back to sleep. Then there's writing. Many of us use a powerful tool that some take for granted. At the same time, writing can give us pleasure. Yet, people don't know that writers such as myself write and create these imaginary worlds because we crave to be able to not only have a better life but also to wish to live in a different world without any setbacks. However, this hour wouldn't be great to do as well since, you know, it requires peace and being able to hear yourself think. As your parents' fights got a bit louder as the night dragged on, you resorted to listening to music, daydreaming of what it would be like to live in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with a few changes, and absentmindedly making paper stars.  

Little did you know that your and Natasha's life would change that night as you added more green stars into your jar while she wrote in her journal.  --- >

After Natasha had written in her journal for the night after watching two James bond movies, the power in her trailer home faded out just as she was about to start another film. "oh great.." she grumbles while her cat, Liho, briefly looks at her as if asking what she's complaining about before going back to sleep on the couch.

She gets up and changes out her pants for cargo joggers, a light jacket, and light-up gloves that wrap around her hands so that she doesn't need to bring anything else before putting on her boots to assess the issue or if she begrudgingly needs to get more gas for the rest of the night. As she stepped out, she was met with a gush of cold wind that immediately made her shiver, and she wished that the power to her safe house didn't go out until morning. Yet, like all adults, she puts up with it and grabs the hardware kit from under the stairs. After assessing the issue, Natasha begrudgingly cursed Mason for getting her a crappy generator that's said to last for 12 hours when it only lasted for five hours when the tank was full. She detached the generator link, put her empty gas container into the passenger seat of her car, and drove into town for more gas.

When Natasha came back, Liho eagerly greeted her once she opened the door, causing Natasha to always pick her up so that she could even step inside the house. And just like always, she fondly smiles at Liho's antics every time she comes and greets her. Even if Natasha wasn't gone that long, she has a small reminder that she has someone always waiting for her at home, furry companion or not; it's one of the small things she cherishes. Once she has gotten herself comfortable on the couch again, this time with Liho in her lap, she unexpectedly let out a yawn before clicking on a popular series on Netflix, Stranger Things, to watch just until she falls asleep.

Meanwhile, y/n finished making another green paper star and dumped it into a jar containing other paper stars she had made. Deciding that it was enough stars for the evening, Y/n securely screwed the lid back on and decided to return to bed. However, after she got up and stretched, she let out a big yawn before taking off her headphones, hoping that her parents had finally gone to their bedrooms for the night. As Y/n ensured they were asleep, she sighed in relief before peeking at the clock to see what time it was.

3:00 A.M.

It read in bold red, making it mock Y/n for even being awake at this hour, just like it did to Spongebob. With that thought, Y/n let out a deep breath as a subtle gesture to remind herself that she'll be ok. Worries and stress still plagued Y/n, even in the back of her mind, so Y/n grabbed Ryan, her stuffed lion, into her arms and finally went back to sleep.

As Natasha decided to opt for her bed instead of the couch that night, she finally lays peacefully asleep with Liho curled up at the foot of her bed. As both women drifted deeper to sleep, Y/n and Natasha found themselves at two different ends of the same ethereal dreamscape.

"Woah… Where am I?" Y/n says, astonished at how ethereal everything looks. As a feather falls near her eye, she looks up and sees flower petals of all different colours and white feathers rain from the sky.

Not too soon after, she's greeted by her stuffed lion that Y/n loves to hug at night, only to take the shape of an actual lion not too soon. Puzzled by what was happening, Y/n got on the lion's back and took her to a waterfall that lay within a bushy groove well beyond the luscious flower field. When she gets off the lion's back, she pets its head before hesitantly walking into the body of water, where the waterfall fills a large pond. Y/n becomes perplexed at seeing her opposite reflection in the water as she stands in front of the waterfall. Her reflection showed the same raven hair she had. Yet, her skin was soft and fair, with greenish blue eyes and freckles littered across her face's sinuses, unlike Y/n's mismatched coloured eyes and smooth olive skin.

Then, as if on cue, the sun shone brighter, revealing a mysterious figure standing in the cave's shadows behind the waterfall. When trying to get a better view of the person, Y/n felt like they were compelling her to get closer. However, as she got closer to the mysterious person, the farther they were, making it seem as though it was impossible to get to them. Almost as if it was the definitive embodiment of chasing a shadow. Finally, as Y/n had stopped putting effort into catching up with the person, she found she had been able to get close enough to reach out to them. As she did, they began to fade away just before she could get a glimpse of them.

However, she felt at a loss before Y/n could process what had happened. At the same time, Y/n found herself at the end of the cave with a door embedded into the wall. She felt a sense of familiarity as she took in the door's regal yet indigenous design. Yet, she couldn't place where she may have seen it before. The door had a wonderfully crafted natural walnut-coloured frame, a gold border that laid flush underneath the natural walnut frame and added to the gold frame was black steel moulded into swirled designs. Next, the doors themselves had a beautiful smooth espresso oak wood finish, and on it was a big heart-swirled design at the top made out of the same black steel on the gold border. Finally, the handles were made out of gold with a curve towards the end. With open-minded curiosity, Y/n approached it and gently opened the door. Behind it was a bright passage that resembled something similar to what Tony Stark would design. Then without hesitation, she walked through the door while her lion walked along with her as moral support.

On the other hand, Natasha was in the middle of a debilitating nightmare. During the point of the agonising part of her nightmare, she was abruptly relieved of her pain and entered an ethereal-like dream. It was so abrupt that it took her a bit more time than usual to adjust to the natural bright light of the sun, only to realise that white feathers and flower petals of every colour fell from the sky. As Natasha takes in the beauty of the luscious flower fields, a marbled-coloured pig with a collar appears to greet Natasha with an eager oink. But then, the pig began rooting at Natasha's calf as if telling her to walk in the direction to her right. At first, her reaction was to shoo away the creature. Doing so only encouraged the pig even more. After much-rooted insistence from the pig, Natasha gave in and followed the pig into a forest just after the field of flowers and into a clearing within the forest's heart.

In the clearing, there were boulders; some covered in moss surrounded the edges of the clearing in a particular order. And on those boulders were engraved symbols, except for the one directly in front of Natasha. On that large boulder were a door that was embedded into it and the only one that was heavily covered in moss and a few mushrooms and cosmo flowers. To her discontent, the door had the same design as the ones from her time in the Red Room, making her quite hesitant to approach it to see what was on the other side.

Similarly, Natasha also felt compelled. Only when she was in front of it did the door open itself. There, as she stood in front of the open door, it showed nothing but a bright passage waiting to see what awaited her. At that moment, she closed her eyes and exhaled deeply before going through the door. Yet, because of the amount of blinding light at the end of the passage, she kept her eyes closed only to realise that the blinding light turned out to be the sunlight coming from her window, that she forgot to draw in the blinds last night. However, as Natasha was about to pull in the blinds to get more sleep, she quickly realised she was not alone. On instinct, she reached for her gun to quietly assess if the girl sleeping next to her was hostile. Still, Natasha doubted that the girl was hostile when she saw her hugging a quirky orange bear in her sleep.

--------------

taglist: @adi06lena @mrscromanoff @togrowoldinv @procrastinatingsapphictrash

dm me or drop in an ask if you ever want to be added to this series. Or if y'all just want to talk, my inbox is open. So don't be shy talk to me.