#they CHOSE to abuse me. they CHOSE it. they didn't *need* to have a disorder

[uncanny-tranny]

Something I absolutely hate that's done for some reason:

Person: Isn't that typical narcissistic behaviour? *Lists out behaviours and tactics done specifically by abusers of literally all neurotypes*

There is no such thing as an "abuser disorder" because abuse is a pattern of behaviour. Stigmatizing disorders like NPD only contributes in horrifically negative things and discourages people from seeking help when they may need it. You can call out abuse without essentializing it with an Abuser Disorder.

[seaoflove07]

Love Planted a Rose 🌹

~ Dark ~

• Artwork by The Drawables •

Full Art Cover and Story Description, Here.

OCXCanon. 🔪 Azusa & Christine’s Story. 🌹

Fan Fiction Written by Me.

Fandom: Diabolik Lovers.

Masterpost.

Monologue

Sadness...

Sadness is all I can feel now.

I was just slowly recovering from my heartbreak from Mark.

But now, I was sent here to Japan.

To be a blood whore to vampires.

My hands can’t stop shaking.

I have no escape...

What will wait for me when I go back to the Mukami mansion?

Azusa is gonna attack me for this.

He’s gonna see Reiji’s bite marks.

No makeup will be able to cover these marks.

I keep shaking...

Knowing that this hell of a night will not end...

- The scene starts in Yui’s Bedroom -

Yui: “Christine-san, I brought you some lavender tea. I hope it calms you a bit.”

Christine: “Thank you, Yui.”

She grabs the tea with shaky hands.

Yui: ... ...

“It saddens me to see you this way. I apologize again for not checking on you earlier.”

Christine: “It’s not your fault and don’t worry, I’ll be okay.”

She takes a sip of the tea.

“Mmm... it tastes really good. So this is your room?”

Yui nods.

Christine: “I see you like the color pink. We have that in common.”

A smile spread on Yui’s lips.

Yui: “I’m glad we have that in common...”

“Christine-san? How is it going with the Mukami Brothers?”

Christine: “A lot of weird things have been happening lately… but I was able to get to know a little bit about Azusa’s past. Because of that, my heart aches for him and I can understand why he's the way he is.”

Yui: “So that's a good thing that the two of you are getting closer.”

Christine: “To be honest, he doesn't leave me alone but I’m kinda getting used to it.”

Yui: “Why doesn't Azusa-kun come with you here?”

Christine: “I think Ruki doesn't let him. I don't know why.”

Yui: “I see. How do the rest of them treat you?”

Christine: “I don't interact much with the other brothers. I can say Ruki is the one I talk to a little more when we are doing chores together and thankfully, he hasn't tried to suck my blood. With Kou and Yuma, I have made a few small conversations when we eat together at the kitchen table. I'm with Azusa the majority of the time.”

Yui: “I see. It’s a good thing that the other brothers haven't sucked your blood. I still think Azusa-kun chose you and that's what’s keeping the other brothers away. Who knows? Maybe Azusa-kun and you will fall in love.”

- Christine gave her a sharp look -

Christine: “I don't want to fall in love. I've been in love before and that ended badly. I'm still not fully recovered from it. I'm not doing that again.”

Yui: “You���ve been in love before!? I'm sorry it didn't work out. I don't want to get into your business, but… I want to get to know you. What was his name?”

Christine: “Mark…We dated all throughout high school and college. Well, he is still in college. My courses were shorter than his.”

“But long story short, I was madly in love with him, he was my first everything. My first love, my first kiss, and the one I lost my virginity to. I honestly thought we would grow old together...”

“At first, the relationship was going well until he got tired of me and was treating me like garbage. What makes me angry with myself is that I let him verbally abuse me to his heart's content. His words were so bad that I began to believe him and tried to do my best to be good enough for him…”

“But nothing was good enough for Mark, and we were having terrible arguments every day. He was calling me, “Fat” telling me I needed to lose weight. I ended up having an eating disorder for a while, and that's not all, he did more terrible things to me and I was starting to get depressed. But I still stayed with him.”

Tears run down her cheeks.

“Then he began to cheat on me behind my back. A friend of mine from back home caught him with another woman at a party and she told me about it. When I confronted him, he told me he was done with me and left me broken…”

(My heart aches so bad…)

“I was stupid for not having the courage to break up with him first. But if I'm being honest with myself. I think it was best that he walked away first, because…”

More tears keep running down her cheeks.

“I don't think I would have let him go… I'm so stupid and was blinded by love! So you see, Yui. How can I give my heart to someone after this? I don't think I would be able to handle a second heartbreak.”

- Yui suddenly hugs her -

Yui: “Oh, Christine-san! Please don't say that about yourself. You are not stupid. You were just a girl in love. But there is always a second chance of happiness, you just haven't found it yet. I'm sorry that the relationship with your first love didn't end well.”

Christine: “Don’t worry, I'm fine. It took me a while to move on with my life… but now, I ended up here and it's not going any better. All I have to do is try to survive.”

Yui breaks the hug.

Yui: “Keep surviving Christine-san and stay strong. Please, don't harm yourself ever again by not eating. You are beautiful the way you are.”

- Christine smiles -

Christine: “Thank you, Yui for your kind words, and don't worry I will never go through that again. No man is worth starving for, I know that now. I love food and I eat good portions now. Also! You are beautiful too.”

Yui: “E-Eh!? No, I'm not.”

Christine: “Oh stop! Yes, you are.”

They both giggle.

Yui: “Thank you, you are so nice. Say, Christine-san? Have you figured out what Karlheinz-sama wants with you?”

Christine: “No. Ruki told me he would keep trying to find out any information. Have you heard anything? Maybe from one of the Sakamaki’s?”

Yui: “No. Ayato-kun and the rest of the brothers haven't mentioned anything. I don't think they know either. Karlheinz-sama is a very mysterious man and he never fully discusses his plans…”

“From what I heard the Adam and Eve plan is still not completed. But out of all the brothers, he does send letters to Shu-san since he is the oldest. Usually, when he sends out plans or orders for everyone, Shu-san is the first to know, so maybe… you should try to ask him.”

Christine: “Gosh! Is that the sleepy one? I doubt he will be any—”

- The door opens -

Ayato: “Chichinashi! I was lookin’ everywhere for you. Whatcha doin’ in your room with Chihuahua?”

Yui: “A-Ayato-kun! I was helping Christine-san since Reiji-san bit her and—”

Ayato: “Four eyes? Hahahaha!”

Christine: “It is not funny!”

Ayato: “Stop yappin’ You already hog my Chichinashi long enough from me. Now be gone! I want some alone time with her.”

Yui: “You are being rude!”

Ayato: “The fuck you talkin’ about?”

Christine: “It’s okay, Yui. Don't worry. I'm not offended. Besides my work shift is over so I'm gonna go and try to find Kou so we can leave.”

Yui: “Alright then. I'll see you next Friday, Christine-san.”

Christine: “Yes, see ya. And thank you for everything, Yui. Have a good weekend.”

Yui: “Thanks, you too. Be safe!”

*TimeSkip*

Christine was walking through the hallway and saw Reiji walking towards her.

Christine: (Oh No!!...)

They both stopped and stared at each other not saying anything for a while.

Reiji: “Your manners earlier were foolish, and you certainly need a lot of discipline.”

He walks closer to her and runs his fingers on the bite marks on her neck.

“I will say my marks look lovely on your skin and the taste of your blood was high quality for being a mere human.”

Christine: (I feel disgusted with his touch but I don’t push him away. I don’t have the energy and I don’t want to repeat what happened earlier tonight...)

Reiji: “You are remaining quiet I see?”

He grabs her chin.

“You sure are a beauty, but you lack manners. I need to start training you. With my training, you would become the perfect lady.”

Christine: !!!!

“W-What do you mean by—“

Kou: “Reiji! Let go of Kujaku-chan.”

He shoves Reiji.

Reiji: “Don’t you dare put your filthy hands on me again! Or I will snatch them next time.”

Kou: “Fufu~ I would like to see you try.”

He looks at his watch.

“Guess it will have to be another night. Our time is up.”

- Kou grabs Christine’s hand -

“Let’s go. It’s time to go back to the manor.”

*Timeskip*

- In the Limousine -

Kou: “Kujaku-chan! I left just for a tiny moment and look what you got yourself into! Ruki and Azusa are gonna scold me for this.”

Christine: “You should have known that it takes only a second for the Sakamakis to take any opportunity.”

Kou: “Dammit! And he got you good. Your neck is full of his marks.”

Christine: “I’m aware! I need to hide from Azusa.”

Kou: “You must be dumb, there is no hiding from us. We can smell your scent anywhere, even if you hide he will find you. Also, Reiji’s scent is all over you.”

Christine: “Fuck! So I guess another torture awaits for me.”

Kou: “You sure have a dirty month.”

- The limousine stops -

“Well Kujaku-chan, we are home, get out.”

*Timeskip*

Once Christine got to the mansion she didn't see Ruki and Azusa. So she immediately walked nervously towards her room. She was getting close but felt someone was behind her.

Azusa: “Rose-san, welcome back.”

She froze for a few seconds and slowly turned around to face him.

- Azusa flinched, then furrowed his eyebrows as he stared at her -

Azusa: “Say, Rose-san? Who’s marks and scent… that is all over you belong to…?”

Christine: … …

(I’m so afraid that I can't even answer…)

Azusa: “I see... so… you have someone else you prefer...”

Christine: “No! Azusa. Please let me explain it’s not what you—”

Azusa: “You do not have to explain... Just tell me... who was it...?”

Christine: “It was Reiji.”

(I can hear my heart beating like crazy…)

Azusa: “... I see...”

… …

“Hit me… show me… that I’m needed… here… cut me with this knife… Christina, Justin, and Melissa… would like to have more friends…”

He walks closer to her.

Christine: “No! Stay back! Please, don't come near me.”

She steps back.

Azusa: “Why…?”

Christine: (I can see the anger on his face…)

“Because I know what you're gonna do to me and… I don't think I can't handle it tonight. So, please. Go away and leave me alone.”

(His hands are shaking…)

- Azusa drops the knife to the floor and grabs her wrist tight, pulling her closer to him -

Azusa: “I will not go away…!”

- He suddenly pins her down -

• Artwork by @//yuma-mukami-garden-god •

Azusa: “Don’t you see, Rose… This jealousy is killing me…! Do you know… how messed up in the head… I am… because of you…!”

Christine: “I haven't done anything to you! You're the one who is always after me, and It’s not my fault that Reiji bit me!”

(There’s still anger in those lavender eyes...)

Azusa: “You chose me, Princess... you came into my dreams… and now… you are my precious Rose … I will not let you get away from me...”

Christine: “What are you talking about, Azusa!?”

Azusa: “I will not let anyone else.. have you…”

He stares at Reiji’s bite marks and pulls down the strap from her dress.

Azusa: “This will hurt… but... please endure it... okay...? I will... remove his marks... from you...”

Christine: (Oh no!…)

- Azusa bites on the exact same spots Reiji did -

Christine: “Ah!”

She holds on to him tight.

*Slurp, Slurp*

Azusa: “Aah…It’s always so very sweet… It is sticking… to the inside of my throat... I can't get enough of it...”

He keeps biting her deeper and deeper, making it hurt a lot.

“...Nn... Haah, haah...”

*Gulp, Gulp*

Christine: “Please! I can’t bear anymore…It hurts too much...”

She tightens her grip on his shoulders.

Azusa: “Does it...? But I can still see... traces of him... so please... endure it a little longer...”

He bites her again.

Christine: (This pain! Is like I can never escape it. Is this going to be my life from now on?…)

- Christine starts sobbing -

He sucks a little more before finally stopping and licking the new marks.

Azusa: “I don't know why… my heart always aches… every time… I see you cry…”

He wipes her tears.

“Come…”

He helps her stand up and hugs her.

“I’m sorry... Rose-san... You can hit me… it will make you… feel better…”

Christine: (His apology and sudden hug took me by surprise...)

She hugs him back.

“No Azu... I don't want to hurt you, and even if I wanted to, I don't have the strength. I’m feeling dizzy. I lost too much blood tonight...”

(I feel my head spinning now...)

Azusa: “I‘ll take you to your room...”

She tried walking but the second she moved her foot she fell backward, Azusa caught her in time and lifted her up in his arms. He takes a moment to stare at her lovely face.

“Rose-san... you fainted on me again...”

He admits he’s still angry about the fact that Reiji bit his Rose. Suddenly a Flashback comes to his mind of warnings from the Princess.

Flashback

Azusa: “Nn... Hah... Nn.... Princess...?”

Princess: “Yes…?”

Azusa: “Can I bite you...?”

Princess: “No Azu. I need to warn you about something before our time is up. Even though we belong to each other. There can be situations that won’t allow us to be together. Human me is very vulnerable right now, and destiny can be changed. You need to be careful someone else doesn’t claim her before you do.”

Flashback Ends

His heart sank just by the thought of her being vulnerable to Reiji. He can not allow not even an inch. His hands began to shake badly even having her in his arms. His heart doesn't stop aching.

Azusa: (Even though I love being physically hurt but emotional pain makes me so very uneasy. I will not hand her over to anyone. Much less, Reiji...)

*TimeSkip*

When Christine woke up she immediately went and took a bath and got ready for tonight. She has a headache and the marks from her neck still hurts. Two vampires suck her blood the same night. It’s a miracle she still has a neck attached to her, she thought. She wanted a cup of coffee and breakfast but first, she needed to thank Azusa for bringing her to her room safely after she fainted. She knocked on his door but he didn't answer. She was about to leave thinking he wasn't there but suddenly she heard breathing.

She opens the door and walks into his dark room.

Christine: (I can smell a strong scent of blood…)

Shock washed over her at the sight of Azusa sitting on the floor with a lot of blood, and him holding a knife still cutting himself.

Christine: “Azusa!!”

She runs to him.

*Stab, Stab*

- Azusa kept cutting himself, lost in his thoughts with tears in his eyes -

She kneels in front of him and grabs his hand to stop him.

Christine: “Please… That is enough… Azu.”

Tears filled her eyes.

Azusa: “Rose… what are you doing here…? And… why are you crying…?”

Christine: “I wanted to say thank you for bringing me back to my room safely, and I'm crying because… it hurts me to see you harm yourself.”

Azusa: “You don't like it… when I am…hurt...?”

Christine: “No, I don't like it. It breaks my heart to see you like this.”

- More tears kept coming down from Azusa’s eyes. -

She gently took the knife away from his hand and placed it on the floor.

“What happened?”

Azusa: “… My life… has always been a disaster… and I wanted to forget… this strong emotional pain… that I'm feeling… right now…”

Christine: “Azu, I'm truly sorry that life was so hard for you.”

She cups his cheeks.

“I know, I probably won't fix your problems. But I have told you before that whenever you feel this way, please come find me and I'll be here for you. There are other ways to cope with emotional pain, and I promise you I will find a way to keep you entertained. There are so many places we can go together, and I remember you told me one time that you don't mind, if I read poetry to you. I would be happy to read my favorite poems to you.”

He sighed and gave her a gentle smile.

Azusa: “Would you really do that for me…?”

Christine: “Yes. Plus, the more time we spend together, the more we get to know each other. Wasn't that something we both wanted?”

He cups her cheek.

Azusa: “Rose… I’ll do anything… to keep you near me…”

Christine: “A-Azu…”

Azusa: (Her cute blushy face, I love seeing that side of her. She has no idea how much she means to me and how scared I am of losing her…)

“Rose-san…? Will you..stay by my side…regardless… Even on my worst days…?”

She nods.

Christine: “Yes, I will.”

They both smiled at each other.

Azusa: “Thank you, Rose-san… I'm feeling a bit calmed… because… you are here with me…”

Christine: “I'm glad that you feel calmer. Azu, your arms are bleeding a lot. Let me clean and put new bandages on your wounds and then we can eat breakfast together.”

He nods and they both stand up.

*TimeSkip*

After Christine and Azusa ate breakfast together she was happy to see that Azusa calmed down and was in a better mood. Now she was in the manor’s library with Ruki dusting the shelves and organizing books. It was the weekend and her day off but Ruki asked her if she could help him with some chores in the Library. Since she loves reading and the library she said yes. She did promise Azusa to meet up with him after she was done. Tonight she will read some of her favorite poems to him. She's excited since she always wanted to do this with someone.

Christine: “Ruki, what do your brothers and you like to do in the summer? Sorry for the sudden question. Is just we are already in mid-summer and I haven't seen you guys do anything fun.”

Ruki: “You sure are nosey, Livestock. My brothers and I don't do much. The majority of the time we just stay here and do our own things.”

Christine: (That seems so boring! And I'm getting bored myself. I haven't done anything fun since I got here…)

“How bought next weekend we all go together to the beach?”

Ruki: “And why should we do such a thing?”

Christine: “I just think it will be fun and I can tell that you and your brothers are close. I also feel that Azusa needs this trip. It can help him clear out his negative thoughts.”

Ruki: “Hmph... Very well, I think this trip will be good for my brothers. But we are not going to the beach. I do not want to deal with the mess of the sand. That will be troublesome, so the Hot Springs seem like a better idea.”

Christine: “Hot Springs! I've never been to one but I have seen photos online and they do look nice and relaxing.”

Ruki: “I will book everything for the upcoming weekend. Just make sure you are prepared.”

Christine: “I will!”

(I’m so excited for this!…)

Ruki: “Oi, Is just a hot spring, nothing to be that excited about. Now be gone. I don't need you anymore in the Library. I got it from here.”

Christine: “Okay, I'll take my leave now.”

Monologue

I got lucky that Ruki suggested the Hot Springs.

I honestly thought he was gonna say no about all of us going anywhere together next weekend.

So for that,

I am happy.

I truly hope that Azusa can relax and clear his thoughts.

Even though,

Him and I go through rough nights together,

I still want to be his emotional support.

I don't understand his feelings towards me

and I

Don't understand my feelings towards him either.

But Hopefully,

With this upcoming trip.

The both of us can try to heal in some way.

— TO BE CONTINUED —

• Artwork by MonMonArtz •

[chisamayas]

GALDSY/GLADLES IS AN EMOTIONAL ABUSER AND MANIPULATOR.

Please read through the document before making an opinion. The document is 400++ pages for a reason.

Reshares are very appreciated

TRIGGER WARNINGS: Emotional abuse, discussions of self harm and suicide, eating disorders, mentions physical abuse through parent, mentions of child grooming, transphobia, misgendering, ableism

TLDR below cut!

Gal would be refered to as G, and Maya would be refered to as M.

About M:

M comes from a emotional and physical abusive household and has no prior social circle before and during the course of the relationship. M has an ED (bulimia) and also comes from a low income family. M is autistic, has depression and cptsd.

Beginning:

- G n M were in relationship from 02/03/23 - 12/03/24 (DD/MM/YY)

- During this period, G would be both emotionally abusive and manipulative towards M

- M was in a pedophilia relationship with an older women who had been grooming her for 3 years when G first met M

- G would then proceed to get M out of that relationship in the pretense of not approving of the relationship in nature (G already had feelings towards M and made M chose between their friendship or the relationship)

During the RS

- M was highly codependent towards G as M has no other support system outside of the RS

- This would lead to G slowly mistreating M due to the power imbalance of the rs

- G would be dismissive towards M's feelings and interests during the relationship

- G would find M's interests annoying -> M would stop talking about it -> G would only be less cold, annoyed and angry when they slept tgt -> M would do everything to please G so G would show care -> M shaped her life based on what G wanted

- G would constantly lovebomb M with gifts. G would usually buy gifts for M if they had any disagreements

- G would often threaten to break up with M whenever M brought up things -> G would then proceed to lovebomb to move on from the matter

- M's ED is also caused by the financial struggles at home -> restrictive eating -> G starts paying for food -> M becomes reliant on food from G

- G would comment on the bones on M's body -> Causing M the need to feel more validated to be as thin as possible

Bday incident:

- It was G's bday and G was overseas

- M had been having depressive episodes -> tried to hold back for G's bday -> M couldn't take it anymore and fell into an episode -> M felt extremely suicidal

- M confided in G about this

- G tried to dismiss the fact -> G asked why M couldn't do this on another day

- G implying M was selfish for feeling suicidal on G's bday

- G was saying M was selfish and ruined G's bday

- G would then proceed to imply M was at fault for the whole thing

- M was literally contemplating suicide the whole day

- G kept going "Stop" "Listen to me" "Stop" "Do you feel guilty"

- Ended on G going "don't kill yourself or whatever"

- This event would lead to G constantly bringing it up that M "ruined" everything

After the Bday

- M eventually confided to a friend about what happen -> G said that the opinion of the friend changed M's view on what happened

- Friend said G was being emotionally manipulative about the situation

- G started accusing M of ruining that day again and kept blaming M

- G didn't listent to what M had to say

- Eventually M would apologised and admit is her fault -> G finally calmed down and showed affection

- G would keep getting M to apologise for being "terrible"

- Causing a cycle which M would bring up an issue -> G would threatened to break up -> M begging for G to not leave and saying sorry multiple times -> G eventually showing affection

WHY BREAKUP?

- G told M that she was bored of her

- G would claim that there was ‘no more spark’

- G admitted that she saw M as a burden

- M reached out to strangers on discord to ask for their opinion

- was informed that everything that had been going on was emotional abuse

- M was pushed to break up with G

AFTER THE BREAKUP:

- both decided to stay in contact as friends

- 2 weeks after breaking up, G tried to guilt trip M into meeting up in real life with her. M said no.

- M and G met up multiple times after the breakup

- During the meetups, G would constantly touch M without permission (lean head on shoulder, hold arm, bump shoulders etcetc.) M was uncomfortable but didn’t say anything (there was a witness for this)

- long story short G lovebombed M with gifts and affection and made M dependent on her again but more purposely this time.

- G then withdrew everything

- G became cold and distant again and M has to beg for affection again

Others:

- G would constantly misgender a trans person and have ableistic humor with her friend group. (The group would often throw the r-slur)

[cillians-sweetheart]

𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓬𝓾𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂 ☣︎ Chapter 29

Description: Johnathan Crane x Patient Reader. An 18 year old girl suffers from a mental disorder that Dr Crane takes an interest in, but It isn't just the disorder that catches his eye. Their love becomes so strong it drives her dangerously mad... more mad then she or him could ever imagine. 

ROMANCE + HORROR + SMUT STORY

No Batman and not everything about crane that's mentioned is correct to the actual character in DC.

TW: Violence, Sexual Content, Alcohol/Drug Use, Gore, Mental Illness, Parental Issues, Smut, Murder, Extreme Kinks (dom/crane, blood, choking, hair pulling, spanking, age gap, toys, dub-con and daddy kink) and Mention of Abuse, Assault and SA.

Not all warnings shown will be used in this exact chapter! Bold warnings are some to be expected throughout the chapter below!

I cuddled into Johnathan while his shirt was still unbuttoned and I was in my gown. I touch up and down his chest and stomach while I rested my head on his shoulder. I felt his love radiating through his skin, even when he didn't say it. I could always feel it.

"Have you ever thought of using condoms?" I asked tilting my face up to his. "So you don't have to worry about you know... pulling out?"

"No. I'm not using a condom."

"Why? Wouldn't it be easier for you?" I tickled the light hair on his chest.

"No. It's not sex if you're not skin to skin. I want to feel you."

I blushed and tilted my face back down.

Johnathan began to button his shirt back up. He grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and put them on. As he stood up he adjusted his pants and began to walk off. I stayed sat on the bed in my little gown as I watched him walk away from me. As he reached the door I stopped him.

"Johnathan?"

"What" He turned around as he was about to grab the door handle. His hands quickly tucked into his slacks pockets. I reached my arms out wanting him to take me with him. Being with him and him only for all this time I've grown a separation anxiety each time I was away from him. Johnathan sighed deeply as he untucked his hands from his pants and came around to the side of the bed I was on. I was expecting him to pull me up to my feet but he swooped in under my arms and lifted me off the bed. He carried me in his strong arms like I was a child from the bedroom to his office. I felt like such a princess in his arms. I got a fatherly nostalgia from it, even though my father wasn't extremely present. To sum it up he chose his other family over me, his step kids and his wife.

Johnathan sat at his desk with me in his lap. I held onto him and laid my head onto his chest while I watched him shuffle through papers. He continued searching for something in multiple stacks of paper while I sat comfortably on him. By now he was used to me joining him while he worked. I could feel his heart beat increase as he ripped open envelopes and scanned quickly over papers. I tried to read what was on them but the words were either written in cursive or the words were too big for me to even pronounce.

"Ugh... I need to go check the mail" He lifted me off him and stood from his chair.

"Can I do it?" I asked smiling softy. "Where is it?"

"No. I'll do it. It's down in the lobby I'll be back."

"Can I do it, please?" I asked with puppy dog eyes, thinking that would work.

He sighed. "I'll go with you."

"I wanna do it by myself"

"Why so you can run away?" His tone becomes more resentful.

"No I just want something to do... you know... gain some independence."

"You don't need independence."

"Please" I beg stepping closer to him. "Please daddy... I wanna see the building a bit. I'll be okay don't worry."

"You have 5 minutes, slot 36. If you run or leave I will be called." He takes the keys from his desk and hands them to me. I smile and head towards the door. "And put some pants on." He smacks my bare ass as I walk behind him. I giggle and go to find myself some little shorts. As I was about to leave Johnathan stopped me at the elevator. He adjusts the little bow in my hair, then his hands sliding down my face. "Straight there and back. Got it?"

"Mhm" I nodded.

"Be good." He unlocks the door for me as I go down into the lobby.

Johnathan stood back at the apartment by the door consistently checking his watch. He didn't move from the door. His leg shook slightly and his arms were crossed. He grew paranoid, biting at his lip. Thats when he realized he's made a mistake.

I grinned cheerfully walking through the halls looking for the room where the mail would be kept. The halls of the apartment were long and filled and with expensive carpets. Many smaller apartments were on each floor like a hotel, but Johnathan's was as big as all of them combined. It gave me a sense of pride knowing my husband had the biggest, most expensive one here.

"Ooh" I say finding the mailboxes at the end of the hall. There were many little compartments in the wall with labeled numbers. I looked down at all the slots before I found 36. I took the key I had clenched in my hand and attempted to fit it into the hole put it wouldn't go in. I kept pushing and pushing but It was like it was stuck.

"Hey, cute bow"

I jumped and spun around seeing a tall, blonde haired boy who looked to be my age. He had a devious smirk on his face while his 3 other friends stood behind him. From the outside they looked as if they were apart of a Frat. Basic college boys.

"Oh.. thanks. My husb-"

"What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? Wearing those tiny... little shorts" I was interrupted. Him and his friends all laughed at me. I ignored it as Johnathan would want me to do and continued to try and open the mailbox. The key finally slipped in and I was able to open it. I turned back around opening the box. "Hey I'm trying to talk to you" He said again as I felt him step closer. I didn't look but took the letter that was in the box and slammed it shut. When I went to lock it the key got stuck again. I struggled hurriedly to pull it out. "Need some help baby doll? Here let me help you" His hand went to grab onto my waist, but one of his friends caught him off guard.

"Yo what the fuck!" One of the boys laughed pointing to the end of the hallway. They all turned their heads, including me. "Jesus what the fuck is that! Look!" The boy laughed historically. "He's coming guys, watch out!"

I turned and saw the scarecrow. He wasn't so happy the boys were laughing at him. It reminded him of his childhood.

I took the chance when the boys were distracted to rip the key out and sneak past them but I was caught. "Where do you think you're going, I was talking to you!" He snarled grabbing onto my arm. As he was about to turn his head to his friends a large kitchen knife was pierced through his ear. I jumped at the suddenness of it. Blood oozed from both ears as the handle of the knife stuck out of one side of his head.

I giggled seeing how cute Johnathan looked with his mask, and the way he was protecting me.

The other boys all yelled and began to run, but Johnathan was quick enough to pull a gun from his inner blazer pocket, shooting each one in the head as they ran. 3 loud shots with 3 exploding brains. Perfect aim.

The boy next to me fell to the floor. The handle of the knife snuck deep into his ear with a squelch as he landed right on it. My eyes went from him up to Johnathan who stood in front of me breathily heavily with anger. His blue eyes radiating fury through the little holes. I walked closer and lifted my hands to the rough mask.

Both of our heads turned to a woman at the end of the hall screaming in terror as she saw the 4 dead boys scattered in the hall. I grinned at her with a friendly expression as I took the gun from Johnathan's blazer and shot her in the head. I've never shot anyone before, it was interesting.

I looked back up to Johnathan seeing his eyes had lightened a bit. I put the gun back into his pocket and brought my hands back up to his covered face. "I love when you wear your mask it's so cute" I admired him while touching the scratchy fabric.

"Cute?" He questioned.

"Yeah" I smiled. "You should wear it more often... maybe during a more personal manner." I winked.

I heard him chuckle under his mask as he took my hand. The scarecrow held my hand as we walked down the hall together. Bloody footprints trailed throughout the hall, following us. The carpet below us was soaked in mushy brains and stuck to the button of our shoes. But I didn't care about that. I just cared about my beautiful husband who treated me like a princess while he held my hand, leading me through the beautiful mess.

[crystalstunes]

crystal's tunes #3: Romance is Boring by Los Campesinos! (2010)

"First and foremost, oh, let it be said/I am writing this at 7:10AM/On the hard dry tarmac of a vacant forecourt/Astronomically speaking, it's the first day of Autumn." - I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know (Track 11) this album has been a staple of my taste for years, it's overdue that i write about it, and of course the first day of autumn is the perfect time.

the third Los Campesinos! album, romance is boring, is the perfect cap on the original lineup era of the band. containing some of their greatest lyrical work, satisfying instrumentals and a sense of humour that perfectly harmonizes with some of it's more sombre themes. released less than 2 years after their debut album (and 1.5 after their sophomore), this album is a much more mature in its songwriting, but retaining the immature, verbose lyrics they're known for, referencing romance and sex often despite the album title. however, these are largely about toxic relationships and miscommunications, with gareth usually portrayed as pathetic in the narrative of the songs.

one great example of this is Straight In At 101, one of the most iconic songs from the album. the track starts very directly with the line "I think we need more post-coital, and less post rock/Feels like the build-up takes forever, but you never get me off", and then progressively describes a break-up, getting cold feet, and a series of failed attempts to get laid, before finding out that his breakup didn't even make it onto a tv show of the 100 most heart-wrenching breakups of all time. he should be happy about this, but is instead embarrassed and shameful for his breakup not being more devastating.

as we reach the second half of the album though, the tone begins to transition to themes of existentialism and mental health, though romance is still the through-line between the songs. gone is the occasional comedy of the first 7 tracks, now we have discussions of headstones as "rows of engraved middle teeth, hungry, waiting for me" - Who Fell Asleep In (Track 8), eating disorders, abuse and self-harm.

instrumentally there's a change in vibe here too, with a lot more slower-paced songs and darker chord sequences in this half. the lyrics also become more violent, and start making fun of the listener for being so invested - "broke down laughing and screaming for more, but if this changed your life, did you have one before?" - I Warned You: Do Not Make An Enemy Of Me (Track 9).

in I Just Sighed. I Just Sighed, Just So You Know, the protagonist is unable to detatch himself from the person he has a crush on - "i've displayed marriage proposals on the jumbotron of ball games you've not been at/i've written eulogies in guest books in galleries in the hopes that you might pass" - but by the end of the song he finally realises his fault, but still deals with it in an immature way: "i promise after this i will pick up the phone book/and pick the name my eyes fall upon on their first look/aim all of my poorly composed declarations there in the future".

the emotional culmination of the album comes in the track The Sea Is A Good Place To Think About The Future, a song describing his girlfriend's declining mental health, and the unhealthy coping mechanisms she uses to deal with it, and the chorus describing the girlfriend's suicide by drowning herself in the ocean. the tone here is deadly serious, and the song is absolutely incredible.

the final track on the album, Coda: A Burn Scar In The Shape Of The Sooner State, leaves the end of the narrative intentionally, describing a death and then ending with the line "I can't believe you chose the mountains every time you chose the sea". overall this album is just the perfect encompassment of this original era of Los Campesinos!, from the instrumentation with violins, horns and duet vocals to the sexual lyrical content, sense of humour and unusual number of football references. i'd say it's their most essential album, and it's certainly influenced my taste in music since i first listened to it five years ago. i can't wait to see them live next week.

[winterillustrates]

MAUVE ASHENGRETTO WHEN I GET YOU

WAHHHHH MY BBY GURL

SHE'S SO PRETTY

SHE'S AZUL'S YOUNGER SIS AND SHE HATES (loves) HIM SO MUCH. COMPARING THEM IS LIKE A DEATH WISH. SHE WILL PULL UP WITH A GUN TO YOUR HEAD.

SHE GOT HER CURLY HAIR FROM HER STUPID DAD. SHE ALSO LIVES WITH HIS STINKY ASS BUT OH WELL

HER BIRTHDAY WAS IN 24TH OF NOV, BUT...LIKE...HERE ARE HER BIRTHDAY DESIGNS??

RANT BELOW IF YOU WANT MORE THAN ART!!!

Shark on her headband to represent Undertow in the Little Mermaid 2. Pearls on her neck to clutch them during dramatic moments. Second picture's trident shorts cause what type of self-respecting merfolk doesn't have merch of the Trident??/jk

Preferring the 2 design, cause I feel it suits Mauve's 'beauty queen' standards?? Like, she definitely would post 'Get Ready With Me' videos on Tiktok and would advertise brands while doing it.

Backstory: TW: light mentions of body shaming/(eating disorder)?, bullying + verbal abuse

Okay, so like, before she was born, Mama Ashengretto and her husband (idk Todd) got into this huge fight and Mama Ashengretto had enough. So, they started the process of divorce. It was long (mainly because they had a shared business and assets. The shared business was basically like a restaurant and live music performance) and by the time it was finally finalized, Mauve was already a year old, so she stayed with her mother till she was 3, then with her father till present.

Her and Azul used to visit each other's parents during the holidays. It was like Christmas and New Years, both would be in Todd's place, Summer Vacation, they'd both be in Mama Ashengretto's place.

But when Mauve was 7, her father decided to take his business to land, so they had to do a change of paperwork, so only Mauve was going to see her mother every holiday when she turned 10 (I don't think the potion that turns merfolk into humans would work on children younger than 10, soo...). But, before she turned 10, I'm thinking she stayed with Mama Ashengretto and her husband. Azul didn't care much, cause he didn't like Todd much and Todd did not like Mauve much.

During Mauve's 7-10, Mauve and Azul sort of bonded, especially since they were being bullied together. I'm thinking Mauve was really slim and people sort of made fun of her for it. She just didn't like eating much.

But after Mauve turned 10, they grew apart, especially with Todd sort of making Mauve help around the business a lot more. Like, she was the poster girl for the business (he made her eat a lot more, and took her to voice training classes, instrumental classes and dance classes), had a magicam account with over a 100k followers, and she still needed to get good grades.

She was practically thrown into a constant circle of stress and perfection at 10 and the holidays in the sea were her only escape (albeit, she still needed to practice, but her father could only call to tell her to practice + Mama Ashengretto would 'accidentally' ignore his calls, sometimes). This made Mauve a bit more isolated.

She'd come to the sea and shut herself in her room, only coming out if Mama Ashengretto/Azul pleaded (but Azul stopped the older they got).

It got worse as she was older. Azul began showing how competent he was and Todd was like "Why can't you be like your brother? I chose you, because I thought with the curly hair and all, you might have inherited more of my brilliance!" or some crap like that, which made Mauve cry the first few times in private.

So, Mauve worked harder and harder, even taking up a few more things like "Suikendo" and gymnastics to increase her flexibility for dancing. You know that one girl who's in almost every club and knows almost everyone? Yeah, she's that girl. Overworked and overstressed.

At the end of her first year in middle school, she was told by her principle that she was eligible for skipping a grade. She was so happy that she went to her father and told him the news. He was ecstatic, told her he was proud (for the first time in what felt like forever) and WENT STRAIGHT TO BRAGGING TO MAMA ASHENGRETTO ON HOW HE HAD THE BETTER KID.

Mama Ashengretto was absolutely proud (ignoring the stupid comment) and told Mauve how proud she was. Then she even told Todd that Azul got accepted to NRC. Todd was immediately shocked and begged to talk to Azul. Mama Ashengretto reluctantly said okay and put Azul on the phone. Azul is very indifferent but Todd is so excited, calling him "my son" which cringes almost everyone hearing it.

This just ruins Mauve's relationship w/ her brother even further.

When she's accepted into TCC, she's extremely proud and continues over working herself with being a waitress, server, manager (Alohi is the actual manager but sevens know that she's only there to boss people around. Mauve actually listens to complaints) and vice-housewarden at the Monstro Lounge. She even holds study groups for her classmates, asking for a decent fee which even attracts people from NRC, since she's 'less shady' than Azul (she's not, but she'll accept the title).

I first wanted to ship her w/ Jade, because she has mob wife energy, but I think she'd be the mob boss, herself?? Like, her dad is in some shady shit, so... BUTTT I didn't like the age gap?? Like, ik 2years and 19 days older is not much ig. 2 years is actually the highest age gap I'm most comfortable w/ (aside from 1 year age gap) but...ehhh...

Then thought her x Deuce would be cute? I think they met through Prefect. Like, instead of cheating in Book 3, My Ghost Prefect met Mauve who was more than happy to teach her for free if she'd owe her a favor. Prefect took the chance and actually got a good score. After Book 3, Prefect drags Adeuce + Grim to Mauve.

Ace and Grim don't trust her as she is "related to a snake", while Deuce is so nervous around her, because she's pretty.

Idk, love life is still kinda in the works.

She's also in Spelldrive Club, because despite her wearing dresses and embracing femineity, she's not afraid to kick some ass in any sport she can. Especially in a sport that involves something her brother sucks at.

Her and Azul's relationship is strained, because they both see the other as the better sibling. Like, Azul sees that she's extremely popular on social media and how even a few of his classmates ask him about her, PLUS she SKIPPED a grade! And she's better at him in sports!

Mauve, on the other hand sees how he's 'effortlessly' smart and doesn't have to study as much as her. How he got the nice parent AND step-parent. How he's better at Potions than her. How he STARTED A GOSHDARN BUSINESS. LIKE WHATTT???

After both of their Book 3, I feel like they become more open to each other about their envy towards each other and start to try and respect each other more. I think their relationship is somewhat closer after Book 7.

Thank you for reading my rant! Love and kisses! XOXO

[goathico]

Spiderverse OC: Splitwidow

AU Details for fun :)

Story sinopsis from SpiderIguano's POV:

Radioactive spiders were set loose on my island by the US government. They started testing on my island 1955 days ago, they've done this before, mainly to our women and our sister island Vieques. This time it was most of the population, and it ended badly… again.

Some went insane, some died, others weren't affected, but a few of us... well... let's just say we got lucky.Many took advantage of this and went to attack the US government, others attacked our government, but they both failed. Shortly after they shut down the airports, but people have fled and come in just to see the havoc. As society crumbles we're focusing on lowering the crime rates while trying to keep our hopes up, but not me.

I didn't chose this, and I don't want this. I don't care about people, they couldn't care less about me to begin with. Not that I don't understand, because I do… and I'd ditch myself too.

Other story details:

These are spidersonas, self inserts (can't speak for spideriguano he didnt want me to clarify, but treat it with respect). SpiderIguano belongs to a friend who would like to stay anonymous.

The story is a very short cómic about two friends dealing with having complicated mental disorders and trauma background that ended up destroying their relationship.

Split (my spidersona)

Split is a man who isolates when he's going through harship, he usually warns of his need of space but this still strains his relationships. If anyone hurts him too many times he usually cuts ties with them immediately. He's a man on a journey, and although he's struggling mentally he wants to heal desperately and will do anything to get better. And this leads him to a journey of taking matters in to his own hands and stopping those who severely harm others.

Splitwidow is known to roam in the shadows, no one's seen him or knows what his suit even looks like. But what they do know is his behavior can go from erratic and unplanned to calculated and complex. He works alone. An urban legend of sorts. The male siren and black widow.

Iguano (not mine)

The anger in him fuels his every day life. He didnt have a filter and the price wasnt just his reputation but everything he had. His heart was in the right place and he thought that was all that mattered, but he went about it the worst way he posibly could've chosen. Turns out being cruel with good intentions wasnt going to be taken right by many, he recognized he was in the wrong. He was no victim, he became the very thing he hated, a bully and at wost an abuser. It angered him to see his friends hurting and staying in places that ruined them more. He'd do anything to try and get them out. Thus the bridges burned, and nothing was the same.

He decided he won't have any friends until he can prove to himself he can change, he can be kind and caring. He wont try to control, even if he has good intentions, it wasnt his place to do whatever he wanted. His childhood will not define him anylonger. His anger will not control him. He will be better.

Motivated by growth and the idea that although he can't be forgiven, he can atone and make up for all the harm he's done to others. Especially the friend he accidentally hurt in their lowest moment. He dresses up at night and patrols around town to find some peace of mind. Reflecting on his behavior and ways to deal with himself from the roots of his issues. He drifts inside his own moral dilema. What are you supposed to do when your friends are stuck in a dangerous relationship and they refuse to leave?

It kept him up at night.

During his patrol he discovers the spider verse society who have tried their hardest to deal with the islands mess. Every Puerto Rican and their mother despises them and what theyre chosing to do. Something something, the canon is broken. Along the way the Rebells find him and try to convince him to join, the rebellion is lead by Teo, someone who despite being bitten by a spider didnt develop anything special, the unsuspecting genius trying to stop the spidercanon police. After getting close to Teo, he finds out about Split who's known to not trust anyone except, well, Teo.

If he can heal enough to become a better person, befriending that Split idiot might as well be his biggest achievement in this journey.

[ahollowyear]

Having mom thoughts again. Aside from Gaiman's shit, I also read about Alice Munro and how she chose her pedo husband over her own daughter.

Some excerpts and tough stuff below the cut.

"someone who had no clue who needed to be forgiven" just hits me through the heart. My situation is different in that my own mother perpetrated the abuse, and to this day she says it didn't happen and it wasn't that bad if it did and actually it was my fault for being a "difficult child." But anyway, it wasn't abuse and didn't happen. But could anyone blame her if it did? It didn't tho. But I would have deserved it! But it didn't happen. I just have "mental problems."

My partner told me recently that she's pushing to see my son in person. My partner told my mother that doing things without me would be weird. And my mother snaps back, "well, she made her choice."

As if my choice has nothing to do with her behavior and the frankly bizarre projection she puts on me. As if 6 solid years of screaming, hitting, gaslighting abuse didn't leave a scar across my life like an asteroid impact. As if the previous 12 years of authoritarian escalating punishments, blaming me for my ADHD symptoms (you're lazy and also doing it on purpose to upset me!) and the ascribing of normal childhood developments to pathological personality disorders didn't soften me up for it. What an asshole.

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

As I was working on the letter to my parents about going no-contact, I tried looking for examples because I was so lost in how to approach it but most of what I found was a bunch of ableist garbage (can we please stop assuming abusive parents have a personality disorder?!)

So now that I've sent the letter and feel pretty good about how it turned out, I thought I'd share it here for anyone else who is thinking of cutting off a parent.

Before writing it, I had decided that I didn't want to address any of the abuse with them. When I've brought it up before they just tried to gaslight me and I don't need to deal with that. Instead I chose to focus on their transphobia as it is also a valid reason for why I want to go no-contact, but it's less vulnerable to address (for me).

To Mom and Dad,

I want to start by saying that I'm not asking you to change your values or beliefs. This is not an attempt to force you to accept me. This is a boundary I need to set because of my own values.

Over the past few years, trans rights have become a major point of political discourse. And lately, Republican attacks on trans people have increased. Over the past few months, this has escalated to calls for the eradication/elimination of "transgenderism" which is a call for the eradication of people like me.

I'm sure you think I'm overreacting or being dramatic, but I have watched this country rapidly become less safe for me and other trans people. And yet you still support politicians who want to eradicate me. Who call people like me groomers and child abusers.

The Republican party is working to enact genocide against trans people. I don’t feel safe with anyone who still supports them, and I’m sorry to say that includes you.

And I can no longer just pretend this isn't happening to try to maintain our relationship. It's been nearly a year and half since I came out. Dad, I don't think I've ever heard you use my name. And Mom, you may use my name sometimes, but you've shown again and again that you will swap back to my old name and pronouns as soon as you think I can't hear. I'm not interested in half-hearted placations as you make it clear how little you respect me.

While you may see this as "just politics", I don't have that luxury. These new laws are targeting people like me. These politicians are calling for my eradication.

Going forward, I do not wish to have any contact. This is not a decision I've made lightly nor quickly. I have spent years and years carefully navigating conversations and having to keep quiet about so much to be able to maintain some form of a relationship with you, but I’m no longer interested in trying to force myself into an acceptable form for you. It may not have been spoken, but I’ve long understood that your love for me has always been conditional. I am a gay trans man. I know you can’t accept that, and I’m not interested in your “love the sinner, not the sin” mentality. This is who I am, not a “sin” that can be separated off and rejected. But, again, I don’t expect or ask you to change your beliefs. I know how strongly you hold your faith. But this is what I need to do to hold to my own values.

I ask that you don't try to contact me. I will not be responding.

[cooltf2facts]

i wish that you could block posts on mobile so i didn't have to see the ask about someones dead dad

it makes me wanna tear my skin off because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT TO A TF2 ASK BLOG

I’m very sorry, I can find the post and tag it as “parent death tw” if that would help.

As for whether or not that should have been sent to this blog…I actually debated about answering it when I first saw it. Because on one end, I like being able to help others just a tiny bit even if it’s through fictional characters, but I also can’t help but feel uncomfortable when people send me really personal stuff. I mean, I chose to answer the ask in question just because I thought I could make it something kind of lighthearted and help someone out.

Here’s the thing, though: I have gotten asks and submissions before that were far worse than this one. People send me insanely personal shit and I really think I need to expand the rules so that doesn’t happen anymore. I’ve gotten asks about eating disorders, intense trauma, parental abuse, and basically a lot more upsetting topics that, for some reason, these anons think a random person should get to hear all about just because they’re role playing as video game characters on the internet.

I wanna make it clear: I really hope all of you get help for the shit you go through, I truly do. Nobody deserves any of that. But I am a human being. I’m not a chat bot, I’m not a therapist, and I’m not any sort of fictional character. Please, please, PLEASE keep this in mind when you send me asks. I made a post about this a year ago, but it seems to keep happening over and over. Please get the help you need but remember that I am a person just like you.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, I don't expect anything from you, I needed to tell someone who's into the matter.

I have, for some while, suspected I have a dissociative disorder. But I had no bulletproof evidence. It was rather "feeling right" the more I learned about it. Sometimes I was 100% certain and sometimes I was 100% certain I am just making it up. I accepted that, and since I anyways need a therapist, delayed the question till then.

I started writing diary (not in a classic way, just all my thoughts) when I was 14 and since I'll finish another book today, I thought about starting the next one with reviewing my old diaries and maybe I'll find some interesting thought I can copy and comment with my new knowledge (I am 23 now).

I wanted to be in the perfect headspace for it, so it won't trigger me as much (I was in psychiatry when I started it) and yesterday evening I was just looking for the dates, so I can put the books in the right order. I still needed to scroll through them, because back then I didn't care about writing down the dates carefully, and I saw something:

A list of names of "alter egos" with their personality traits, their looks, their attitude etc.

I did remember some names, but some are absolutely foreign to me.

Idk, it wasn't triggering, I just thought "I was pretty broken back then already", but it is another evidence that strengthens my belief in a dissociative disorder, and, compared to my other ones, which could also just be symptoms of other mental illnesses, a valid one.

And another old thought came back into my mind, when I read that:

I am following a Youtuber with a DID, who didn't know until she was in her 30s and in hindsight found out, that her former ANP, who managed her life until her 20s, couldn't do it anymore and was replaced.

When I heard that, it reminded me of something: After I was released from psychiatry, I completely collapsed. I had expected and wished to be taken from my family, or at least, that my family would now be more careful with me. But it just started where it all ended, so, when my doctor called me a week later to check in, I absolutely collapsed, like I have never before or after. I was admitted for another weekend, and after that, it worked. The way I managed to live with the abuse changed (and with that, it didn't affect me as much emotionally), I kinda gave up and just accepted my life, I stopped self harming one day to another. I became dissociated from my feelings and I took on a new name, a (in my country) male one. Not on purpose, it just happened. I happened to not feel connected to my birth name anymore and for some reasons chose that one. I am afab but gender was and is a very complicated topic, but back then I started to view and present myself as male.

And when I heard the story from that system, all the last paragraph, all these information came into my mind and I thought, if that might've happened to me too.

And yesterday, on that list, there wasn't the name I am using still now (though my inspiration for it was way older than the book). There were only female ones and I just thought "Why did no one of them replace [birth name]?" If it was only for a new self-expression

All the people in my real life aren't very familiar with mental health, trauma etc. so, I can't just tell them the new information and hope they'll understand the context. Which is why I needed to annoy you with it, sorry.

It feels like a puzzle, completing itself with every new information. From a mere feeling to maybe something more?

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through, and please know that you're not annoying us by sending this ask. It can be important to talk out these thoughts and experiences, and bounce them off another person.

It's normal to fluctuate between believing you're a system and feeling like you're making it up. Understanding the self can be a confusing, complex, and endless process. Please know that self-discovery and understanding can be a gradual process and it's okay to have moments of uncertainty and doubt. Keeping a journal can definitely help not only in discovering who you are but whether or not there are other parts of you as well.

It sounds like you have a few experiences that could be explained by a dissociative disorder, but it's also important to remember we're of course incapable of diagnosis. The insight of a professional might be more accurate and useful to you.

Ultimately, if you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist, ideally one who is knowledgeable about dissociative disorders, can help you navigate these complexities. A therapist can guide you through the process of understanding your symptoms, exploring potential diagnoses, and providing the necessary support along the way.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[cillians-sweetheart]

𝓟𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓮𝓬𝓾𝓽𝓸𝓻𝔂 ☣︎ Chapter 20

Description: Johnathan Crane x Patient Reader. An 18 year old girl suffers from a mental disorder that Dr Crane takes an interest in, but It isn't just the disorder that catches his eye. Their love becomes so strong it drives her dangerously mad... more mad then she or him could ever imagine. 

ROMANCE + HORROR + SMUT STORY

No Batman and not everything about crane that's mentioned is correct to the actual character in DC.

TW: Violence, Sexual Content, Alcohol/Drug Use, Gore, Mental Illness, Parental Issues, Smut, Murder, Extreme Kinks (dom/crane, blood, choking, hair pulling, spanking, age gap, toys, dub-con and daddy kink) and Mention of Abuse, Assault and SA.

Not all warnings shown will be used in this exact chapter! Bold warnings are some to be expected throughout the chapter below!

The man slowly approached me as he entered the room, closing the door behind him.

"Oh good, you're not screaming anymore" He chuckled to himself. "So Y/N.. Care for a quick conversation?"

I stayed silent in Dr Crane's orders and just starred at him.

"That's a nice outfit you got on there" He grinned a grin which looked friendly but I knew he wasn't. "Alright..." He accepted my silence to his compliment. "So what happened to your mother huh?" He waited for my response again but I didn't speak. "Oh so you don't talk now? Come on, you can trust me." Another moment of silence. "You know, I knew your mother in high school... I loved her so much. But, she chose your father over me." He sighed. "But now that I am looking at you, you look a lot like her when she was your age. Just as beautiful and sexy as she was."

Still not a single sound from me. I wanted to scream and run but I couldn't. My body was too frozen in fear now to move.

"Still nothing to say? Huh? Answer me!" His face became noticeably more angry. "Talk to me you crazy bitch! Or I'll have both you and Crane arrested."

He got closer and closer to me, becoming more aggressive, a lust type of aggressive.

"Beautiful crazy bitch.." He said under his breath. "Come on baby say something to me."

My blood levels began to rise as anger and fear grew in me.

"Do you want me to have to force you?"

Silence. But with tears welling in my eyes from the yelling.

"Nothing? Okay... yeah you're coming with me" The man grabbed onto me roughly and threw me onto the floor. The impact with my back hitting the concrete floor so forcefully took my breath away. I kicked and squirmed. "Stop moving you bitch! It will be over soon don't you worry." He had an evil grin on his face while he violated me. Touching me and trying to handcuffing me.

I spat on him, right in his ugly face.

He sat there over top of me for a moment. He brought his hand to his face where he put his finger in my saliva and looked back down at it on his finger. His anger increased as his eyes came back down to me. His hand came down with all his force as he slapped me. He slapped and punched me -hardly- over and over. So much I began to go unconscious.

Suddenly the steel door opened and the hissing sound of gas was released. My scarecrow had returned to save me.

"A member of the police committing such a crime? What a pathetic, serious man. Absolutely sick." Johnathan's voice grew lower and distorted to Detective Bullock. Bullock screamed in terror as the gas entered his brain. "Do you what my opinion? You need to lighten up." He through a lit match onto Bullock, making his clothing burst into flames. He screams as the flames begins to reach his skin. I watch as he begins to slowly burn alive, screaming in absolute terror. I crawled behind Johnathan. We both watched momentarily as the detectives skin bubbled and pealed.

Johnathan lifted me from the floor and ran back to his office with me in his arms.

"Oh my sweet baby" Johnathan ripped off his mask holding me in his arms. My face was numb and began to bruise. I could barely see him in front of me. He truly was devastated seeing this happen to me.

He kissed my bruising cheek gently and held me very close. I closed my eyes and sobbed in pain in his arms.

Johathan lowered me onto a chair after a minute and kissed me once more. "I'll be right back". He whispered.

He left me in his office and walked back to my cell. Bullock had managed to stop the fire and charged at Johnathan once he saw him. But before he was able to damage Johnathan, Johnathan had his head in his hands, slamming it against the brick wall. Over and over he brutally beat the detective to death with his bare hands. He was slamming, punching and stomping onto his head until his skull bursted and his blood and brains spilled out onto the floor. But even after, he didn't stop. He continued to rip his body apart with his bare hands. Johnathan pulled away his skin and smushed his exposed organs in his fists. Like an animal.

There could never be enough punishment for this man, because no touches Johnathans girl.

I waited for Johnathan to return. I held my face in my hands and continued to sob.

Finally after 20 minutes he came back to me, with blood on his hands and shirt. He quickly came over to me, wiping his hands then holding my face in his hands. He looked so devastated and angry. "Are you okay?" He examined my face for any cuts. I nodded. "He won't touch you again, I promise."

"Is he dead?" I asked quietly.

"Yes, very dead."

"How did you know he was going to hurt me?"

"I have cameras in every room here. I was watching since the moment he entered."

"Are you going to go to jail?"

"No. I have some of the most smartest men on my team to stage the whole scene. You and I will be okay my sweet."

"Dr Crane!" A nurse bursted through his office door. "There's more police here"

Johnathan followed the nurse out of his office. I heard him say something to the nurse as he was closing the door.

"Let them out. All of them."

The nurse sprinted to the security room where she hit a button, unlocking every cell.

The homicidal patients ran from the cells and throughout the entire asylum. Large groups of police and SWAT ran throughout the building, shooting and yelling.

I ran and hid under Johnathans desk, holding my hands over my ears and closing my eyes.

The only sounds I could hear was the sound of the lunatic patients screaming, and gun shots.

Even with the patients being shot they still ran and screamed, ripping the skin from the police's face. They were like immortal monsters.

Johnathan stayed locked in the security room with the nurse watching it all happen in the cameras. He grinned while his little pets ripped the limbs from the officers.

"Doctor, they're becoming out of control" The nurse complained.

"Let them, if you want to keep your life. Now go get those officers out of here now! Tell them the security systems malfunctioned and it's not safe. And go get Y/N and bring her to me."

"Yes sir" the nurse sprinted out from security to his office. "Y/N, sweetie" She called out. I stood up from under his desk. "Come on, come with me." She took my hand and brought me down the hall to Johnathan.

"Thank you. Now get them out of here" Johnathan said to her as she brought me in.

"Yes sir."

"Hey hunny, come here" He held his arms out. I walked over to him and sat onto his lap. "Are you hurt?"

"No" I looked over the screen and seen what the patients and police had been doing.

"They will be out of here soon don't you worry" Johnathan insured. I watched as the cameras became more and more empty. Of both police and patients. "My nurses here are some of the best. The floor should be cleared in just another few minutes."

"Why don't they hurt her?" I asked while I saw the nurse take them back to their cells. "The patients"

"She's good at her job. And not everyone here is a complete monster. Only when I tell them to."

I laid my head down onto his chest, still watching the cameras. Skinless bodies were seen scattered in every single one.

Normally I would be terrified in a situation like this, but I knew I was safe in his arms. He would never let any man touch his precious girl. Not ever again.

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Don't Wake Me Up Not Dreamin'

by DownTheRabbitTrail At first glance Thomas was sure the victim was already long gone, just a burned, mangled husk attached to tubes and wires. But he was shocked to see that the heart monitor was slowly beeping. “What happened?” Thomas immediately questioned. “There was an explosion in an abandoned building around Park Row. He was found in the rubble. He was resuscitated on the scene and coded once in the ambulance. Aside from severe burns, broken bones and trauma the worst injury seems to be a wound at his throat caused by a sharp object.” They rattled off more information as Thomas quickly prepped for surgery. Every second was going to have to count to save this one. or Jason dies in the exposition after his throat is cut by Batman's batarang. But somehow he wakes up he in an alternate universe where Thomas and Martha Wayne didn't die, and Bruce never became Batman. Lost and alone Jason struggles with his injuries and his own existence, but the Waynes are determined to help him every step of the way. Jason finds himself the pseudo older brother to a teenage Dick and a baby Damian. Little do the Wayne's know that Jason has a knack for "adopting" kids. He starts with his own tiny counterpart. Words: 862, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Batman - All Media Types, Batman (Comics), Batman: Under the Red Hood (2010) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: F/M, Gen Characters: Jason Todd, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Thomas Wayne, Damian Wayne, Tim Drake, Alfred Pennyworth, Talia al Ghul, Cassandra Cain, Stephanie Brown Relationships: Jason Todd & Bruce Wayne, Jason Todd & Everyone, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Jason Todd & Damian Wayne, Jason Todd and Jason Todd Additional Tags: Jason Todd is Red Hood, Jason Todd-centric, Jason Todd Has PTSD, Jason Todd Needs A Hug, Jason Todd Gets A Hug, Jason Todd Deserves Better, Jason Todd Gets Help, Jason Todd Tries to Be a Good Older Sibling, Protective Jason Todd, Protective Bruce Wayne, Good Parent Bruce Wayne, Bruce Wayne is Not Batman, Martha Wayne and Thomas Wayne Live, Good Parent Thomas Wayne, Dick Grayson is a Ray of Sunshine, Good Sibling Dick Grayson, Protective Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson is Not Robin, Kid Dick Grayson, Tim Drake Needs a Hug, Tim Drake Gets a Hug, Tim Drake is Not Robin, Baby Damian Wayne, Kid Cassandra Cain, Kid Stephanie Brown, Bad Parents Jack and Janet Drake, Good Parent Talia al Ghul, Protective Talia al Ghul, Bad Parent Willis Todd, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Panic Attacks, Chronic Pain, Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Doctor Bruce Wayne, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - No Capes, Jason Todd Whump, Found Family, Family Fluff, Platonic Cuddling, Tim Drake Joins the Batfamily Early, Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Crying, Good Grandparent Alfred Pennyworth, Family Bonding, Anxiety, Nightmares, Dissociation, Family Feels, Medical Inaccuracies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Healing, No beta - We die like Jason Todd, Jason Todd's Batarang Scar via https://ift.tt/dvLDNbC

[myautismranting]

TUESDAY FEBUARY 20 2024

Hoarding disorder

I'm watching the most recent video from Nikko Ortiz, it's called "NEVER LIVE with a hoarder...", and one thing that bothers me is he is treating it like just messy people and not an actual mental condition.....and he's very disrespectful about it saying things like "don't blame others for your mess" when it comes to a lady who hoard due to an abusive marriage with a narssacist...hoarding js a hoarding DISORDER...and then saying send them away to clean.....that makes it worse.....they hoard due to severe trauma....the things they keep are an extension to themselves at the time...losing that all with ZERO control....means they will fall back into those behavior...and I unsubscribed...it is a MENTAL DISORDER....it's not as easy as just cleaning up the house.....it's a type of OCD....OBSESSIVE HAORDING, COMPULSIVE COLLECTING, AND FEELING LIKE YOU HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT IT.....they aren't hoarding because they want to.....they do it as a form of control during trauma...they often feel EXTREME shame and disgust in themselves for the behavior.....but they can't JUST CLEAN.....ITS A MENTAL DISORDER.....they need a whole team of therapy available, and EXTENSIVE support systems....it is not easy to just clean

I subscribed today, and unsubscribed today....I don't support that behavior and I don't think he has a right to discuss that topic without proper research and understanding that it isn't just being a messy person....he clearly did not take time to understand that these people have mental disorders causing the hoard....and they don't just do it because they want to but they feel like they HAVE TO.....and he did NOT do that research and instead chose to degrade and bully those people who have sever mental disorders instead of having empathy and understanding that they are already shameful of the hoard and they didn't want it to get as bad as it did.....Nikko Ortiz....do better....you have been doing this long enough to understand how important mental health is....and yet you blatantly didn't do your research....yet you will do research on police video, firefighter video, and military content, stick to the shit you care about....because clearly its not mental health and respecting those who need help and being empathetic to them

[promiseiwillwrite]

Your own Eye in the Mirror

Critters and creatures, this is a very hard post. You would likely do better to keep scrolling rather than baring witness to the dust at the bottom of my soul.

There was a time in my past when I thought that I lived according to my values, and the motivations in my heart would lead me along a path where I could live life and always be able to look myself in the eye when I look in the mirror.

I have spent Countless hours of my life looking at myself in the mirror. I have Excoriation Disorder based on body horror that I still haven't broken, and it started with me pulling out my eyelashes when I was 6, and has been full blown since I was 13. The Bathroom has been one of my only refuges in my life. A place where my abusers won't generally follow. So I have spent a Huge amount of time there... Staring at and picking at my own face.

When you learn that there is something fucked up in your model of the world, at that core framework level, and you understand that you have been wrong about something for Decades, eventually, you look back with that knowledge.

You see with greater clarity your mistakes and the role your thoughts and feelings and actions played in the worst parts of your life.

Two of the most significant relationships I had I chose to end because I believed that I was not loved by the other person. Given their behavior, and my knowledge at the time, given the circumstances, and everything I can see from this new perspective, I thought there would be Regret.

Certainly there is bitterness. Certainly there is Sadness. In both cases I should have left fucking sooner. But I did not value myself then as I do now. I didn't think I deserved better, and I didn't think I could find anything better. I am not the same person I was. Perhaps these people did love me in their way. Perhaps I was a bad person for thinking I could hold others to my own standards of behavior for love and finding everyone lacking when it was unreasonable to do so. Telling myself that they didn't care let me make the break.

Telling myself that I should be the most important person in someone's life, as they were in mine. I had put them before myself for years. But as years passed, they emphasized my importance less and less, but didn't want to part with the Benefits of being so cherished and centered and cared for. I felt justified in leaving because they did not care about me, or what I wanted. And they lied to my face when they told me they loved me. And they took me for granted, and used my pathological guilt as a weapon against me.

Except maybe not. Maybe that was the story I had to tell myself about them, so I could see another choice in an equation that had never been balanced.

What I did not expect was that seeing it would take me back to loss I never let myself feel. Like it simply waited for me.

Looking myself in the eye in the mirror is no harder.

I know why I did what I did. It wasn't out of malice. I wanted to be loved the way I wanted to be loved. I just didn't understand that that probably wasn't possible for other people.

And let's be real, no one should have to experience love as I have felt it. No one should have to love so desperately. No one should have to feel the anguished uncertainty I have known.

And now... Now that I know what I know... I don't know what I want anymore.

I know my value does not come from whether or not someone wants to Fuck me. I know that just because someone doesn't want me sexually doesn't mean they don't want me around at all. I know that people will act according to their own internal experiences and motivations, and not according to my idea of what I thought those were in everyone. So they might not feel urgently that I need to be treated a certain way in order to make me feel loved, as I once believed. I know that people can't read your fucking mind, and that they have No chance of treating you the way you want to be treated without you Letting them know what that even is. And I know that shrinking away in fear of disturbing them, and being invisible and never rocking the boat to preserve the status quo in order to keep the good thing you have can be just as deleterious to a relationship as screaming and fighting all the time.

And feel like I just want to see clearly. I feel like I have been ruled by survival stories, and that they have never reflected reality well.

And I feel at a loss. Because I feel like my life could have at least been easier with this knowledge. Maybe it wouldn't have Hurt so much. Maybe I wouldn't have been so willing to believe that no one cared. Maybe that thought wouldn't have been so painful. Maybe the love of others wouldn't have felt like such a lie.

And I still feel like it would be grand, to be loved in the way I have loved others, and the way I have imagined others loving me.

But there is no hope left in me for that.

And it is a time of mourning. This, I think is the loss I have been suffering slowly since someone first told me that "your yellow is not my yellow" and that nothing would ever let me know the heart and feelings of another. Humans aren't built that way, and fucking Magic like that isn't real.

It is the Loneliest feeling. It is the desert at night. It is learning that you can never really touch anything because of physics. It is all the bad dreams being proven true. Ripping the band-aid off of reality.

Was this the reflection of reality I expected to see?

Is the illusion continually unfulfilled any better?

What exists after this? So many times I have simply gotten up, and gone to work and brushed it off and told myself not to think about it, not to feel it, and move on with life, and stop whining.

So How, What do you do to honor loss like this?

[unlady-like-12-25-36]

Romanoff's Delight

_Chapter 1_ Natasha Romanoff x f!reader

Warning: Mentions and descriptions of abuse, and eating disorder. I think that's it. If there are any more, I should add that's also a trigger warning, lmk. I do not control what you consume online. You have been warned!

A/n: If any of the content is triggering for you, do not read or skip the y/n pov part since that is the only part of this fic that I put a warning for. If you chose to read this fic and have been triggered, please seek help and do not send any hate to me or any other amazing mutual writers out there just b/c you chose to ignore warnings! I will come after you if any of you do! You have been warned!

A/sn: age gap relationship. Nat is 33 and r is 20. Sry if i failed to put this up earlier 😅

A/sn 2: This fic was heavily inspired by Bazzi's new album Infinite dream. If y'all are interested plz go listen to it on Spotify or apple music or anywhere it's available. Also, I found it interesting that there is a dessert out there called Strawberry Romanoff and its origin is really interesting. so I was inspired to name it after our fav Tasha Bear.

<! --- --- > - means the start and end of anyone's pov

Word count: 3,906 🤷‍♀️ If any of that matters. Also sry if it's very long for a first chapter 😅

________________

"Does it hurt?" Asked the rabbit. "Sometimes," said the skin horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real, you don't mind being hurt." - Margery Williams Bianco, The Velveteen Rabbit

_Earth 616 Norway_ 2016_

As Natasha arrived back at her safehouse from the store, she finished the rest of her coffee and briefly prepared herself before leaving the car for anything that could be secretly waiting for her inside. With a careful step, she entered her trailer house as quietly as possible while holding her gun in front as a safe way to take point of the area if it ever was unsafe. When Natasha had come across her bedroom, she had let her guard down when she had heard her friend snoring away on her bed. Just then, as she kept her movements as quiet as possible, a look of mischief bore her face as she got closer to see if her friend, Mason, was still asleep before lightly kicking him awake, causing him to gasp in surprise.

"You're in my bed."

"I'm.. I'm not under the covers," he says to justify his reason for sleeping on her bed, even if he wasn't under the covers. Yet, that didn't mean she wasn't unhappy about it.

"Got everything on my list?"

"Got passports, entry visas, a couple of local driver's licenses. Mix and match; you should be able to stretch it to 20 or so identities."

"Fanny Longbottom?"

"What?"

"What, are you 12?"

"That's a legitimate name," he says, chuckling. "We got a generator outside. It's petrol-powered, and septic tank will flush in a couple of weeks. But you know, I have a guy coming for that. You have to haul your rubbish into town. It's just a 20-minute drive. And I've got your basic hardware kit stashed under the stairs."

"Nice," she says as gratefully as she can without giving away how distraught she is at how easy it was for the Avengers to break apart and take sides over a political deal multiple countries had signed. However, that quickly fails as Mason immediately senses that not everything is ok. Or so he thinks, as Natasha had only ever called him when she needed something, nothing more. Though she longed for a family she's never had, the Avengers she strove so hard to keep together make it as though it wasn't as it seemed or something she hoped it would be.

As Natasha deflected Mason's attempts to get her to open up a little about how she felt about the situation, Mason soon realised that maybe he should stop trying as she's only kept him at arm's length—making him walk away disapprovingly. That night as she's settled in, she cracks a beer and heats a can of soup. At the same time, she watches one of her favourite James Bond movies on her laptop to comfort her as her concerns about her life begin to come to the forefront of her mind in the hopes of straying off any nightmares she might have tonight. With the stress of her situation and the mail brought from the Budapest safe house, the last thing she needs is a nightmare to deal with when she's spent the past few days staying out of Secretary Ross's radar.

_Earth 01 New York_2016_

<!--- Y/n's pov

When I returned to the house from school and settled in, my mind began drifting over to the many binders that contained photographs of our so-called family since I had lost all interest in finishing any of my homework. As I picked one off my bookshelf in my bedroom, I began to look through all the pictures of my very early years from the day they took me in. When I reached the end of my early years, especially my first picture in the whole album, I always found it strange that there was nothing written or even an image of how I was found or why I was left at their doorstep, leaving me to die potentially. However, as tempting as it is to think about all possible scenarios of why they chose not to tell me or leave anything regarding my origins, my feelings about my longing for a home, better life and relationships with other people that I could never have become increasingly evident. Let alone accept that I would never be accepted because I wasn't normal like everyone else. Especially the fact that I have eyes that are two completely different colours already says a lot. My right eye is green, while my left eye is brown. Heterochromia is what they call it. However, mine was complete rather than the normal variation of partial or split, leaving me to wonder which eye colour I was supposed to be born with since my body clearly couldn't choose one.

That night as I lay restless, I pulled out a picture of my beloved grandfather from underneath my pillow, savouring all the stories I'd heard about how close I was with him. And not to get too philosophically profound, but from observing families afar from my times outside, I'd like to think that from the time we were born, the world would feel it was in our hands. Something we can grasp within our hands, new, exciting, and worth exploring. Something I think we once had, our first experiences of the world take the form of love, some of its joy, and may even warmth. Others' first experiences, however, are of the less fortunate. They may not even know that feeling of love, joy or warmth until they become adults. However, at only five years old, nobody once told me to savour that sliver of a taste of love and happiness while it lasted.

Because once it's gone, you can never get it back. Since the day of my grandfather's funeral, I realised my childhood had ended, and so did a piece of my heart. From that day on, my family was never the same. Or should I say my "foster parents?" Ever since they had mysteriously taken me in, I've never really known what to call them since they've never felt like family to me, let alone be anything but parental figures in my life. I've known them to constantly fight while going on a spree of breaking anything they can get their hands on and treating me like I wasn't their own. That didn't mean I wasn't at least grateful for giving me some of my basic needs, no matter how much of that was out of pity. Since the funeral, they began to fight more often, my father's family started getting into each other's throats, and lastly, his family began targeting my mother again as if she were the cause of my loving grandfather's passing. And soon enough, I was also thrown into the deep end.

Little did I know, that would also mean that I would lose every piece of who I was or what it felt like was happening. Though that would be the first of many funerals, what struck me at the time was how I could never wrap my mind around others' perspectives of how or why people love to say and believe that children do not understand and have the concept of death. Still, to this day, I can't understand those others' perspectives of how children understand death. I've always seen it as a naive frame of thinking of how children see and understand the world. And quite frankly, I find that to be insulting. However, I am not a child anymore, and I find the feeling to be mutual regarding children. Nevertheless, that doesn't excuse them for condescending behaviour to outright call a child stupid for a concept they may or may not have. Yet, I may be biased to my own experience at that age, whereas I think children at five years old can somewhat grasp the concept of death just as much as they can understand love and joy.

In the year or two that followed, I began to have unhealthy feelings of self-consciousness, frequent thoughts of suicide and contemplated self-harm in many ways. At the time, I could not define the meaning of these feelings that were happening simultaneously. That is until I vocalised the word depressed to myself by asking myself if I was depressed. Yet, I was still in the process of understanding all those feelings and why I was always in a distressed state that caused me to cry myself to sleep, no matter how terrified I was to sleep alone at night. I even began weighing myself every week to see if I had met my mother's expected weight she wanted me to be causing my relationship with food to be compromised. Gradually, I started reducing the amount I ate every day. That's until I only ate half of what my small plate could contain, just like what my mother hoped I would. Yet the more guilty I felt about it as I craved more and ate more in secret.

As I grew older, those feelings of depression and its friend anxiety grew more unbearable, causing me not ever to eat whenever those feelings started to spiral inside my head and eventually led me to skip school altogether. I would also have days where I only ate two meals a day or did not even have a proper meal. I would even go on for days on meals consisting of peanut butter sandwiches or sandwiches containing only butter and sugar, only to briefly switch to appropriate meals as I was told by my mother to avoid any added blame or abuse.

To add to the pain I got through daily, my mother would even say the most demeaning things about me since the funeral, leaving me to feel like they were true even after all those years. And when I started to believe those lies, I began looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as the monster she saw in me. When I turned twelve, that's when I started to realise how twisted my mother's ways were. Then before I fully understood what was happening to me, I was found in an expected predicament of being forced to psychologically convince myself that I was romantically and sexually attracted to boys, not girls, when I was seen blushing one day at school over some boy I never even liked. In reality, I've always been romantically and sexually attracted to girls long before I was even aware that homosexuality was highly frowned upon. I even once cursed whoever had given me powers when they occasionally flared up. I never knew where they came from, much less who my birth parents were. Even at that moment, I questioned what it meant to be home or even to be a family. As the reality of the moment crashed down on me, that's when I knew the answer I'd been looking for lay within my heart. This torn-apart family, this house, and this life are none of those things I was made to believe. Hell, even this reality I was living in didn't feel real. Not when I spent most of my life without knowing what it's like to have feelings and be separated from the outside world.

Meanwhile, my older brother had it easy—way too easy for my taste, at least for me. I know it's shocking to me, too, to see that I'm not the only child. In fact, my brother, Dominic, is their only biological child. He's everything every parent wants in a child, even more so for a boy. Although I'd like to disagree, I'd admit I love him as much as they do. Both of us had our fair share of sibling rivalry and heartfelt moments. However, I can never agree on or bear at any given moment how easy it is for all of our family and extended family to argue and defend him as if he were their lord and saviour for the family's good reputation. Yet, I somehow put a bad name simply by breathing. That isn't to say that I despise him for being the golden child. It wasn't because of this toxic concept of family that made me love him, but what he did for me, or at least tried for my sake, as he was the only one in my dysfunctional family that saw me as his family whom he loved.

Since then, my days have felt like nothing but a constant mind-numbing nightmare. Though, the universe occasionally likes to sprinkle in bittersweet moments to mess with my mind to make it seem like I'm invertedly going insane. But if I were, I wouldn't be surprised if it was caused by the kind of life I have. Although lately, these days have felt a lot more gruelling than usual. You frustratedly sighed as you put your grandfather's photo underneath your pillow and got out of bed, knowing you wouldn't be able to go back to sleep anytime soon and that it's been hours since being woken up by your parents fighting again. As you rummaged around your room to find something to distract you, there was only so much you could do to make your life a little better.

Sure, listening to music does help cope with the noise, but not enough to make it better by any means truly. For drawing, it's nice but not enough to give you some substance to occupy your time and mind before wondering when it's safe to go back to sleep. Then there's writing. Many of us use a powerful tool that some take for granted. At the same time, writing can give us pleasure. Yet, people don't know that writers such as myself write and create these imaginary worlds because we crave to be able to not only have a better life but also to wish to live in a different world without any setbacks. However, this hour wouldn't be great to do as well since, you know, it requires peace and being able to hear yourself think. As your parents' fights got a bit louder as the night dragged on, you resorted to listening to music, daydreaming of what it would be like to live in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, with a few changes, and absentmindedly making paper stars.  

Little did you know that your and Natasha's life would change that night as you added more green stars into your jar while she wrote in her journal.  --- >

After Natasha had written in her journal for the night after watching two James bond movies, the power in her trailer home faded out just as she was about to start another film. "oh great.." she grumbles while her cat, Liho, briefly looks at her as if asking what she's complaining about before going back to sleep on the couch.

She gets up and changes out her pants for cargo joggers, a light jacket, and light-up gloves that wrap around her hands so that she doesn't need to bring anything else before putting on her boots to assess the issue or if she begrudgingly needs to get more gas for the rest of the night. As she stepped out, she was met with a gush of cold wind that immediately made her shiver, and she wished that the power to her safe house didn't go out until morning. Yet, like all adults, she puts up with it and grabs the hardware kit from under the stairs. After assessing the issue, Natasha begrudgingly cursed Mason for getting her a crappy generator that's said to last for 12 hours when it only lasted for five hours when the tank was full. She detached the generator link, put her empty gas container into the passenger seat of her car, and drove into town for more gas.

When Natasha came back, Liho eagerly greeted her once she opened the door, causing Natasha to always pick her up so that she could even step inside the house. And just like always, she fondly smiles at Liho's antics every time she comes and greets her. Even if Natasha wasn't gone that long, she has a small reminder that she has someone always waiting for her at home, furry companion or not; it's one of the small things she cherishes. Once she has gotten herself comfortable on the couch again, this time with Liho in her lap, she unexpectedly let out a yawn before clicking on a popular series on Netflix, Stranger Things, to watch just until she falls asleep.

Meanwhile, y/n finished making another green paper star and dumped it into a jar containing other paper stars she had made. Deciding that it was enough stars for the evening, Y/n securely screwed the lid back on and decided to return to bed. However, after she got up and stretched, she let out a big yawn before taking off her headphones, hoping that her parents had finally gone to their bedrooms for the night. As Y/n ensured they were asleep, she sighed in relief before peeking at the clock to see what time it was.

3:00 A.M.

It read in bold red, making it mock Y/n for even being awake at this hour, just like it did to Spongebob. With that thought, Y/n let out a deep breath as a subtle gesture to remind herself that she'll be ok. Worries and stress still plagued Y/n, even in the back of her mind, so Y/n grabbed Ryan, her stuffed lion, into her arms and finally went back to sleep.

As Natasha decided to opt for her bed instead of the couch that night, she finally lays peacefully asleep with Liho curled up at the foot of her bed. As both women drifted deeper to sleep, Y/n and Natasha found themselves at two different ends of the same ethereal dreamscape.

"Woah… Where am I?" Y/n says, astonished at how ethereal everything looks. As a feather falls near her eye, she looks up and sees flower petals of all different colours and white feathers rain from the sky.

Not too soon after, she's greeted by her stuffed lion that Y/n loves to hug at night, only to take the shape of an actual lion not too soon. Puzzled by what was happening, Y/n got on the lion's back and took her to a waterfall that lay within a bushy groove well beyond the luscious flower field. When she gets off the lion's back, she pets its head before hesitantly walking into the body of water, where the waterfall fills a large pond. Y/n becomes perplexed at seeing her opposite reflection in the water as she stands in front of the waterfall. Her reflection showed the same raven hair she had. Yet, her skin was soft and fair, with greenish blue eyes and freckles littered across her face's sinuses, unlike Y/n's mismatched coloured eyes and smooth olive skin.

Then, as if on cue, the sun shone brighter, revealing a mysterious figure standing in the cave's shadows behind the waterfall. When trying to get a better view of the person, Y/n felt like they were compelling her to get closer. However, as she got closer to the mysterious person, the farther they were, making it seem as though it was impossible to get to them. Almost as if it was the definitive embodiment of chasing a shadow. Finally, as Y/n had stopped putting effort into catching up with the person, she found she had been able to get close enough to reach out to them. As she did, they began to fade away just before she could get a glimpse of them.

However, she felt at a loss before Y/n could process what had happened. At the same time, Y/n found herself at the end of the cave with a door embedded into the wall. She felt a sense of familiarity as she took in the door's regal yet indigenous design. Yet, she couldn't place where she may have seen it before. The door had a wonderfully crafted natural walnut-coloured frame, a gold border that laid flush underneath the natural walnut frame and added to the gold frame was black steel moulded into swirled designs. Next, the doors themselves had a beautiful smooth espresso oak wood finish, and on it was a big heart-swirled design at the top made out of the same black steel on the gold border. Finally, the handles were made out of gold with a curve towards the end. With open-minded curiosity, Y/n approached it and gently opened the door. Behind it was a bright passage that resembled something similar to what Tony Stark would design. Then without hesitation, she walked through the door while her lion walked along with her as moral support.

On the other hand, Natasha was in the middle of a debilitating nightmare. During the point of the agonising part of her nightmare, she was abruptly relieved of her pain and entered an ethereal-like dream. It was so abrupt that it took her a bit more time than usual to adjust to the natural bright light of the sun, only to realise that white feathers and flower petals of every colour fell from the sky. As Natasha takes in the beauty of the luscious flower fields, a marbled-coloured pig with a collar appears to greet Natasha with an eager oink. But then, the pig began rooting at Natasha's calf as if telling her to walk in the direction to her right. At first, her reaction was to shoo away the creature. Doing so only encouraged the pig even more. After much-rooted insistence from the pig, Natasha gave in and followed the pig into a forest just after the field of flowers and into a clearing within the forest's heart.

In the clearing, there were boulders; some covered in moss surrounded the edges of the clearing in a particular order. And on those boulders were engraved symbols, except for the one directly in front of Natasha. On that large boulder were a door that was embedded into it and the only one that was heavily covered in moss and a few mushrooms and cosmo flowers. To her discontent, the door had the same design as the ones from her time in the Red Room, making her quite hesitant to approach it to see what was on the other side.

Similarly, Natasha also felt compelled. Only when she was in front of it did the door open itself. There, as she stood in front of the open door, it showed nothing but a bright passage waiting to see what awaited her. At that moment, she closed her eyes and exhaled deeply before going through the door. Yet, because of the amount of blinding light at the end of the passage, she kept her eyes closed only to realise that the blinding light turned out to be the sunlight coming from her window, that she forgot to draw in the blinds last night. However, as Natasha was about to pull in the blinds to get more sleep, she quickly realised she was not alone. On instinct, she reached for her gun to quietly assess if the girl sleeping next to her was hostile. Still, Natasha doubted that the girl was hostile when she saw her hugging a quirky orange bear in her sleep.

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