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aspiring-holistic-otaku · 11 months ago

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Season 3 Ramble#1 - New Year New Worlds ver.2

This is another one of those episodes where I almost feel like I’m betraying the name and purpose of the podcast, as this month I won’t actually be talking about manga or even anime for that matter.

The first time I did this whole New Year New Worlds thing was in Season 2 Ramble 1, where I focused on isekai manga and manhwa since I’d never really given the genre a chance before then. This month, again, I wanted to try something completely new to me and so I focused on Visual & Light novels.

Now my regular ramble format is to talk about top new reads on a particular topic/theme for that month, then give top reads I had on the same topic/theme before then. Seeing as this is an entirely new media format for me, there’s no way that format would work. So how this episode is gonna go is I’m gonna do a very quick once over of my top 3 isekai from last time, then get into this month’s media starting with Light Novels, then wrap up with Visual novels.

Lastly, before we get into it, I thought it would be useful to actually define these media formats, so everyone listening would be on the same page, veterans and newbies alike.

So…

According to wikipedia, Light novels are a type of popular literature novel, native to Japan, usually classified as young adult fiction targeting teens to twenties… In other words they’re books. Taking wiki at their word, light novels, or LNs as I’ll probably refer to them from now on, tend towards the YA novel variety you’d find in the west. The biggest difference being that they’re usually a bit shorter with an average length of less than 300 pages, but a crazy dense publishing schedule of 3 - 9 months between installments… crazy…

And visual novels, according to masterclass dot com, are text-based adventure games that combine interactive fiction and traditional anime or manga art styles, to give the gamer the experience of reading a novel in a visual format. The site goes on to describe different types and targets, along with 5 key characteristics of which I thought the first was really key and worth mentioning. Namely, Advancement; In visual novels, or VNs as I'll probably call them going forward, players do not guide a character the way they would in a traditional video game. Instead, they advance the story by clicking in targeted regions to refresh the text. Sounds kinda lame but trust when I say it’s the opposite. At least as far as my experience so far leads me to believe.

Getting right into it

A quick recap of my top 3 from Season 2 Ramble 1

#3) Loner life in another world - The ultra quick summary is in the name, as a lot of isekai tend to do for some reason… anyways, a loner gets transported to another world. Really it’s him and his classmates but he prefers to move alone. I thought it was pretty fun as far as isekai goes, mostly because it’s very lighthearted, doesn’t take itself too seriously and for the most part, at least from what i’ve read so far, it really felt like kids being kids. Which I really appreciated cause isekai always seem to go off the deep end.

#2) Murim Login - Again the ultra quick summary is that in this world, there’s the typical dungeon crawler aspect where special humans called hunters, protect the rest of humanity by going into special gates and closing them by defeating the boss monster inside. The MC is a low rank hunter that one day finds a VR game in the trash that actually sends him to another world. That’s the very basic premise but if i’m being real, the reason I dug it was because of it's heavy ancient chinese martial arts type vibe. The story has been enjoyable as well, split into two with his life in the real world and the one in the game, the one in the game so far being far more interesting… go figure.. but yh… I definitely have a martial arts bias so slight grain of salt there ig..

#1) Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint - This was my fav read that month and honestly I see it being my fav isekai for a long time. The story here is that the MC is a big fan of Light novels and happens to be the only person in the world to have completed one called Three Ways to Survive the Apocalypse. Lo and behold the events of the story start to unfold in real life. Now I know that screams boring story overpowered MC red flags, as he clearly has a certain edge over literally the entire human population,, but TRUST. TRUST! it’s all handled really really well.

If i’m being honest, the really real reason I brought these up is probably because I saw some announcements earlier this month that two of them have started production for anime adaptations. #3 Loner life in another world and #1 Omniscient Reader’s viewpoint. Not that something getting an anime speaks to any inherent quality of a manga besides profitability, but in any case, if you liked the quick summaries, anime announcements or even just the names, I recommend actually listening to Season 2 Ramble 1 - New Year New Worlds, or reading its transcript for more structured descriptions and takes…especially on Omniscient Reader… so so good..

Now onto the stuff I actually got into this month, starting with Light novels... I say Light Novels plural and though I technically did read more than one, they were all from the same series

Durarara!!

I’m a big fan of durarara!! Watched the anime like ten years ago, and even back then I really wanted to read the source material but couldn’t find it anywhere, the source material being the LNs. I pretty much gave up.. but still 2 years ago I read the manga for Season 1 Ramble 12 - Delinquency and still enjoyed it. Finally. Finally. I’ve gotten my hands on the light novels thanks to a 7 year old reddit post. Thank you reddit.

Durarara!! is a story written by Ryohgo Narita with illustrations, like the cover and a few more for emphasis on certain scenes, done by Suzuhito Yasuda. In total there are 13 volumes which started publishing in 2004 and ended in 2014. Of these 13 I’ve read 4 so far. This is the third time now I’ll be speaking about durarara!!, the first time was Season 1 Ramble 8 - A is for Anime (solo reprise) then Season 1 Ramble 12 - Delinquency. Of course I encourage you to check those out but seeing as I clearly love Durarara!! I don’t mind giving the synopsis again.

Durarara!! Is the story of Tokyo’s downtown district of Ikebukuro and the people who live there. There are three central characters who the story mostly revolves around and a few more that make up the full main cast. The main three are mikado ryuugamine, a kid from the countryside who’s tired of the normal everyday life and so, invited by his best friend, moved to Ikebukuro to get closer to all the excitement. Mikado’s best friend who invited him, Kida Masaomi, is the second of the three. A rowdy, dye haired playboy who’s lived in Ikebukuro for a while and serves as mikado’s guide. Last but definitely not leat there’s Anri Sonohara, a plain girl who lost her friend on the first day of school.

There are others like the strongest in ikebukuro, shizuo, the most dastardly in ikebukuro, izaya, the random black Russian sushi store employee simon, and etc., that all affect the story one way or the other but there’s one more character that probably brings the central cast up to four and that’s celty sturluson, a dullahan, aka headless horseman, looking for her head that’s been stolen.

Not sure if you can tell from that not so short synopsis or the fact that there’s thirteen volumes of this thing but ALOT is going on in this story. For comparative reasons I'll bring up the anime here that has two seasons, the second being split into 3 cours, and they cover about 6 of the light novels. I say about, because I've only read four of them but I know for sure that season 1 covers the first three, and the fourth novel lines up with what happened in season 2 cour 1 so that’s where my assumption comes from.

In any case if it sounds like i’ve said a lot without saying anything, i’m aware and I hate it but it’s kind of a mystery story so i’ll give myself a small pass and hope you all can forgive me., Like this is one of those stories it’s hard to speak on without spoiling some aspect. I will say though that delinquents, katanas, superhumans and the yakuza are involved so… yh… Lastly the narration is great as almost every chapter is from a different person’s perspective and sometimes this goes back and forth through time so the story comes together in a very neat but crazy exciting kaleidoscope. One thing the anime had over the Light novel is that along with this changing vantage point, the narrator would change independently as well which I thought was really cool and really solidified the feeling that nothing goes unseen, whether on accident or by design, but the Light novels gave a bit more depth to the character's train of thought so I guess it balances out a bit.

Not much more to say but having watched the anime, read the manga and now the light novels I think it’s obvious that I definitely and holistically recommend durarara!!

Now onto the Visual Novels

The order I’m gonna mention them in is just the order I played them in, usually I’d do some sort of ranking but If you know anything about visual novels, and I guess story heavy games in general, it’s that they tend to be on the longer side of things so sadly I only finished one.

1) Steins;Gate

Released in 2009, developed and published by MAGES & Nitro+ with an approximate playtime of 44hrs. This was the only VN I actually got to complete a playthrough of this month.

I watched the anime 10 years ago and though I don’t remember much of the intricate episode to episode details, I do remember time travel being involved and it fucking with my emotions in the last half. In fact I went to check old tumblr posts I made back then to see if it would jog my memory but there was only one post and all it said was that the last 4 episodes were feels…

In any case back then I had no idea what VNs even were so I pretty much thought that was the end of it, but as the helix of time would have it, I’m back here again.

For those who have no idea, Steins;Gate follows a rag-tag band of tech-savvy young students who discover the means of changing the past via mail, using a modified microwave. Their experiments into how far they can go with their discovery begin to spiral out of control as they become entangled in a conspiracy surrounding SERN, the organisation behind the Large Hadron Collider, and John Titor who claims to be from a dystopian future.

Yes i know it’s kinda crazy that technical time travel was stumbled upon with a microwave but one it’s fiction, and two the series really doesn’t ask you to suspend your belief all that much otherwise. Getting into it, I really like the VN way more than the anime, the time difference is probably a factor but I don’t recall the anime being as thorough in explaining the science of different theoretical time travel mechanics and how they may or may not work. In fact the VN was way more thorough in general, from individual characterization to the overall settings, but to be fair to the anime, they have a limited time to work with and there’s no way they could fit everything in there. No reason to either as they told their own story and to be clear the anime was great and obviously having things moving about is a strength that the VN could never touch, but as a person who really loves the specifics of things, as well as a healthy interest in time travel, the VN just wins out.

Moving clear of the anime now, the VN playthrough is actually multithreaded, with several branching routes and independent endings which plays into the whole time travel, chaos theory, cause and effect type stuff brilliantly. Especially because the choices generally aren’t very obvious or with clear impact or storyline segmentation, besides the split in chapters which is independent of your choices. In my head, going into VNs I thought it’d be like you’re presented with a situation and there are some obvious choices with obvious impacts like do you want to be evil yes or no? But in steins;gate, you’re really just advancing the script almost unknowingly and the only choices you make are to answer a text or not to answer a text and the preset choices only present themselves when you choose to answer a text but i swear to you they are almost always about the most unimportant things that have absolutely nothing to do with the task at hand of trying to complete successful time travel and escaping a future dystopia.

Real example, a friend texts you and asks you if you want some anime frogs.., i only know this because I chose to look at the text but you’re free to ignore almost every text. In any case the options were like what tf is that? or why tf would i? (paraphrasing ofc) + even if you do open the text as I said you don’t have to answer. No idea what that or my even more insane conversations with the cat girl maid had to do with anything but somehow I ended up where I ended up.. In the end I somehow caused the MC to get stuck in the same cycle for some unknown time until his soul pretty much died and he was on the verge of turning to heinous criminal activities but ended up just leaving his time period behind at the risk of taking on extreme mental illness.. No reflection on me and my character of course, as I said the choices aren’t anything obvious like become evil or become good, it just turned out that way somehow but that’s part of the fun because the anime only had one ending but here there’s i don’t even know how many in the VN and I can’t wait to playthrough again.

Also want to mention that it’s largely from a first person perspective so even though the story could have had the feeling of being completely independent from you and just click click click powerpoint powerpoint powerpoint, that first person perspective gave it a feeling closer to that of things slowly slipping through your fingers as you desperately try to keep a handle on things… and art imitates life… great decision by the dev team there but yh… besides that the art and sound direction was great.. The character art specifically was pretty unique like I could definitely spot it in a lineup of 100 anime art styles… phenomenal story of course and though I’d say if you have no exposure to steins at all it could feel a bit slow in the beginning, like I distinctly remember having that feeling when I watched the anime back then and I’m sure my knowledge of the insane pickup had something to do with not feeling it so much now, but I feel it had more to do with the VN having less time constraints, so they were able to make deeper character interactions and with that, the individual characterizations became that much more fulsome and enjoyable.

Definitely definitely highly recommend both the anime and the VN, I think any order is fine as who says time itself is strictly sequential anyways..

2) Utawarerumono: Prelude to the Fallen

Released in 2002, developed by AQUAPLUS, Leaf & STING, published by AQUAPLUS, DMM GAMES & Shiravune, having an approximate playtime of 35hrs.

Now I had never heard of this before but I’d asked a trusted twitter mutual for reccs and this was one of them. shout out LZ one time. Seeing as I didn’t finish I’d feel bad trying to give it a summary or overview with my limited knowledge so I’m gonna go with the description from vndb dot org, which for the record is also where I snagged the description for steins;gate.

In any case, Utawarerumono is about Hakuowlo, a man who wakes up in a tiny backwoods village near the mountains with heavy injuries, no memory, and a mask he cannot remove. After being nursed back to health by Eruruu, the girl who found him lying at the point of death in the forest, he starts to view the village as his new home. But when an oppressive ruler threatens the peaceful life of Hakuowlo and his newfound friends and family, they find themselves hurtled towards war, chaos, and a destiny far greater than any of them imagined.

Pretty simple storyline I guess but it’s all in the execution and from what I’ve played so far, which amounts to about 22hrs, they did a pretty good job. Personally they get extra points from me for justified political upheaval brought about by the consciousness of the masses due to the unjustified cruelty of the ruling class.. But i’ll digress.. Character design was pretty neat, typical anime type beat i guess, great soundtrack, loved all the wind instruments. The character interactions were neat too, definitely feel like i’m gonna do a little part 2 thing cause the more I go on I feel like there’s a few technical commonalities I wanna speak on but yh, again I didn’t finish, though I think I got pretty far, but i still I don’t wanna speak too long or hard directly on it.

Last thing on Uta is that it did have a lot of battle aspects, or at least a lot relative to my expectations for a VN, and that came in the form of a turn based tile map type beat. Think advanced wars or some megaman and final fantasy games.. In any case those were fun, i had it on easy mode cause I was more there for the story so that part was pretty much a breeze but it was refreshing coming off steins which was strictly text based + i haven’t touched any games in a good little while due to the economy™, I’d recommend this for sure, maybe not a super push but I definitely want to finish it which again implies that anything i say on this has to have a little bit more than a grain of salt.

3) Fate/Stay Night

Released in 2004, developed by TYPE-MOON & Notes Co.Ltd, published by those same developers along with Kadokawa Shoten & Kadokawa Games with an approximate playtime of 88hrs.

Just wanna start with no, I haven’t watched the anime, but of course i’ve seen the random clips on twitter, pretty much inescapable at the height of its popularity with ufotable doing undeniably excellent work on it, and i could tell that from just a few clips. But I was in my strictly manga phase back then so I let it pass. The only other exposure I had to the fate series was the gacha game Fate Grand Order which I played for a short time because of one of my twitter friends and then the fate strange fake manga because of that same friend which I will say I do enjoy and I think I even heard it’s getting an anime which would be really based. Anyways shout out jhin and I’m gonna go with the synopsis from vndb again but summarized by me cause it’s hella long, much like the playtime..

The Holy Grail War is a ritual that materializes the greatest holy artifact, the Holy Grail. There are two conditions to participate in this ritual: being a magus and being a "Master" chosen by the Holy Grail. There are seven chosen Masters and seven classes of Servants, beings akin to superhumans with incredible fighting abilities. If you wish for a miracle, prove that you are the strongest with your powers. Emiya Shirou is a high school student who finds himself engaged in the Holy Grail war as he gets attacked by a Servant. As he’s cornered, he somehow summons his Servant and manages to stay alive long enough to compete against the other Masters.

What’s crazy about this is that after playing Uta and reading the description for this I thought “oh so there’s gonna be fights and stuff” and yes there are but you kinda just watch them, well I can’t speak on the whole game but so far I’ve played about 30hrs and that’s what it’s been. Nothing bad, it’s a VN, just surprising given the nature of the VN. In any case I’ve enjoyed it so far, pretty much knew I would as most if not all the servants are famous figures from the past and it’s always cool to see clashes of famous figures across time.

I guess the bigger surprise was how much I liked the characters and their interactions, maybe they weren’t phenomenal but there’s always a certain set of folks on social media that will have certain characters as their profile pics and there’s always lewd art here and there and the trend that tends to follow from that is like the character is blown up by the fans to the point that when you actually get to the story it’s disappointing but… I get it…. Rin fans… i get it… saber fans… I get it… I only saw her briefly at the point where I got to but I’m a rider fan… Here my lawyers have advised me to mention that in the VN there is a disclaimer that all characters are over the age of 18… and i’ll just leave that there… Anywho I also dug the subtleties of the sound direction like if they were up high somewhere you’d have a light wind blowing along with the usual bgm or when they’re at a scene like lunch or breakfast there’d be the sound of plates and stuff clinking together… I thought little details like that were very cool… The art wasn’t much, typical anime stuff ig, doubt i could pick it out of a lineup but it was early 2000s so it gets a light pass ig…

Fate is a pretty big franchise at this point so I don’t think my recommendation for or against would sway anyone but for the record I would recommend it, grain of salt due to me not actually finishing it included…

And that’s it for stuff this month, thanks for sticking around to the end gotta shout out LZ again, that twitter moot I mentioned, they gave me reccs, set me up with sites and everything to get free to play, also shout out vndb dot org for the VN details, they’re doing great work over there and I would give the sites I got from LZ but loose lips sink pirate ships so i hope yall can understand… yh that’s it for the main stuff,, a little part 2 ramble is in the actual podcast if you're interested in listening but other than that, hope you enjoyed and have a good one o/

#just another day #mm..manga #writeup #light novel #visual novel #durarara!!#drrr!!#steins;gate #s;g #utawarerumono #fate stay night

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shamelessrabbithole · 17 days ago

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i think that what bothers me with cameron/madison thing is that he seems to ‘edge’ people with it. it’s like, here i’ll show you some pictures that might make you think there’s something going on but i won’t say the words and you’ll be left wondering. then madison too, she might make some posts, tagging him for the credits but her words ends up being more vague than what she seems to do with all her other friends. they don’t owe use anything that’s for sure but i’m trying to imagine it as two ‘regular’ people and i know i would be rolling my eyes a lot if i had to witness them dancing around each others, seeing them flirt and trying to figure things out with us as audience? if he was less theatrical about it i think i wouldn’t mind as much. but also all her photo being half naked, again its like we’re there cause it’s exciting to have ‘us’ questioning things. i’m sure they’re not doing it for “us” exactly but there might be some sort of enjoyment in being cryptic from either side that is starting to annoy me a bit :/ im happy he shares more of his passions with photography but im a ‘close’ fan. i cant imagine someone who followed him just to keep up/see him reacting well to naked women all the time? i remember there was a time where i unfollowed a bunch of actors for these reasons. (sometimes fan update accounts end up being way better!)

Maybe he and Madison enjoy creating the tease of “are they or aren’t they,” to your point. And they could be doing it just because they can. Nothing sinister necessarily, in them wanting to fuck with the emotions of Cam stans, but more like they think it’s fun to keep fans on their toes.

But look at it this way. If you told a person (who is aware of Cam as an actor but isn’t emotionally invested in him at all) about the situation, in ten words or less, you’d say “this girl is someone we think is his girlfriend, maybe.” And that person would probably answer with, “okay. Whatever. Who cares?”

However, if Cam was Jeremy Allen White-level famous and constantly discussed on deuxmoi with thousands of people speculating every day on his relationship status, then it might be a different conversation. And the hype machine would be in overdrive on whether he and Madison are just friends or more than that.

So, it just comes down to perspective and how much his dating life matters to you. Is it big news and making actual headlines? No. But are you getting caught up in what’s feeling like a dumb game intended to screw with you personally? Only if you allow yourself to. 🤷🏻‍♀️

#shameless tea #shamelessrabbithole #ask me stuff #ask me anything #cam and madison

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jodilin65 · 2 years ago

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TUESDAY, MAY 31, 2022 Getting my hair trimmed in a couple of hours.

Two days ago I was woken up by a random power failure and last night it was a thunderstorm. The power only went off for a second, but it was enough for me to notice the change in sound when my nature sounds stopped along with the air cleaner and fan that was running.

We had a 5-hour storm last night but it didn’t wake me up until 3 hours into it. Tom said the thunder was a 9 on a scale of 1 to 10. I’m sure something will wake me up tonight too. The thing is that yesterday I was exhausted all day and today I’m not, even though my sleep was broken up and I had to take Benadryl for the first time in ages to get back to sleep. If I didn’t have an appointment tomorrow, I wouldn’t have bothered. But it’s on the bathroom counter, ready for tonight’s wake-up call, whatever it will be…power failures, thunder, nightmares.

Finally finished my 310-mile trip in Austria. Didn’t quite get the 5000 coins I thought I would get for it, but close. I’m in Budapest now and then I’ll create the ride from Salzburg to Munich.

As for the mutt down the street, I thought I heard a couple of barks yesterday. I heard several loud barks today and then Tom heard someone yell at it. He couldn’t tell who it was or what they said with his shitty hearing.

It irritates me that Tom threw away $25 on the horses over the weekend. How much more will he have to lose to see that it’s just a dream? They’re never gonna be consistent. Not in a big way. Not in a small way. If we ever want or really need extra money, he’s going to have to work.

I’m tempted to try powder nail dip, but again, we need to save money. It’s just that Jessie brought it up yesterday and it looks like it may be a really fun thing to try. Pretty sure we still have the UV light somewhere. She got a couple of dips from her niece but says she doesn’t know how to do it. I looked at a tutorial and it seems pretty straightforward enough.

SUNDAY, MAY 29, 2022 Oh, Michelle, you just don’t give up, do you? Yeah, I’ve gotten to know some of my regular callers that call from different numbers. Michelle starts off by saying, “Hi, how are you doing? This is Michelle… Blah blah blah.” I don’t remember exactly which scam she’s running. Either the college one or the IRS scam. Or maybe the one where they offer you money as a “break” if you don’t meet a ridiculously high annual income.

Out of curiosity, I was reading the different abortion laws in various countries. Looks like a lot of the Scandinavian countries give free abortions on demand. Then you have some Latin countries that won’t abort under any circumstances, not even if the mother’s life is in danger. It makes me shudder to think there are some countries that would let a woman die despite being totally preventable. These religious zealots and their delusions are affecting so many people in such a negative way. This month will be the first time the Supreme Court will actually scale back on human rights rather than extend them. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.

I heard half a dozen or so barks around 9 yesterday morning but nothing after that. That’s probably only because I wasn’t in the front of the house after noon. The more I think about it, the more I doubt they contacted him about the barking because I didn’t go to the office. It could also be a numbers thing too. Maybe they require two or more complaints before they do anything about barking. If I continue to hear it, it could be that Steve and his wife simply don’t give a damn but even more likely is that the office never said anything to them.

I asked him what he considered too much barking and he said more than five minutes more than three times. Lol, a single bark twice a day is about all I can handle.

He lost $10 yesterday with the horses. He’s dreaming, I tell you, he’s dreaming. Just like he was in Oregon.

FRIDAY, MAY 27, 2022 I’m tired today. Not even coffee or a banana gave me energy. I’m always tired when I’m up for 18 hours the night before. Or in this case, the day before.

Five 88s a week begins! I just hope it doesn’t drive my HR up. I’ve noticed it’s been elevated a little bit this last week or so. Tom says that happens to him at times too. Well, I sure as hell hope it’s not connected because if it is, there’s no way I’ll be able to handle increasing my dose that much more.

Pretty sure that the lobster bites were what raised my HR yesterday. I noticed this the two times I had them, so there’s some ingredient in them that causes my heart to do that. This body just doesn’t like processed food anymore! I’ll be all-natural today, except for the coffee I had and the candy bar coming later. I’m going to make myself the last pork chop and then the potato hash as well with chickpeas and assorted veggies. That one’s a bitch to make, but worth it.

I checked in with Galileo and asked them if it’s true that thyroids continue to die off until they’re completely dead. This fatigue does feel like thyroid fatigue. I slept 8 hours and got a sleep score of 90. I shouldn’t be this tired regardless of being up a long time yesterday. I’ll increase my waiting time once again before I have my coffee.

I did hear from Jess who has, understandably, been busy. As far back as we go, I find it hard to believe she would suddenly decide not to bother with me, even though I learned a long time ago that anything is possible. I asked Tom his opinion as to whether or not it would be someone else’s fault if they decided not to have anything to do with me because of something I shared with them, or if it would be mine for telling them in the first place, and he believes it would be no one’s fault. It wouldn’t be their fault because they have a right to move on if that’s what they chose to do, and it wouldn’t be my fault because I have a right to be myself. Make sense to me!

In the midst of my cooking and cleaning, I hope to complete my Austria ride in the next few days. Eventually, I may do a trip from Munich to Salzberg so that I can see what Nane likely saw when she took the bus down to visit Irene one last time. This trip would only be 72 miles and not 311.

THURSDAY, MAY 26, 2022 If Tor wasn’t so slow, I might be tempted to use it because I think that Google and Facebook are mostly responsible for most of the spam emails/calls we get. They do say that there are no guarantees you remain anonymous but I’m not trying to hide from our provider so that wouldn’t matter. It’s Google and Facebook that are the problem. I don’t care if they target ads based on my searches and stuff like that, it’s the spam, texts, and calls I could do without. Every time it seems to taper off, I get hit with a new wave. As everyone knows, we have the least privacy with Facebook and Google. They’re the ones sharing most of our info.

I did use Tor for something else. I’m finally fed up enough with Steve’s mutt to complain. I put in the word “anonymous” for both first and last names and I used a 10-minute email that expires. I told them that the reason I did this was that I didn’t want the slightest chance of it getting back to them that I was the one who complained because you never know how people may react. I also made it clear that I didn’t want to get anyone in trouble and that it wasn’t like the dog barked for hours on end, but I went from rarely hearing barking here to hearing it multiple times a day, and it’s gotten old.

Really hope to hell Steve doesn’t ask us if we complained If they talk to him about it and I realized there’s a chance that they might not. My message could fall into their spam box for all I know, and they may not do anything without me coming down in person to write out a complaint as was the case in the other park. Even talking to the office over the phone wasn’t enough there. I would have preferred to not use the words “I” or “we” but I had to use one of them. I decided on “I” because I don’t think Tom minds barking. It would have to be really loud and practically round the clock before he got annoyed. I hope they don’t think I’m Toni. Even more, I hope they don’t figure out that the complaint came from this household, despite using Tor and no legit contact info. I made sure to send a piece of my mind after we left Lakeview both to their site and to Joy on Messenger so that there would be a higher chance of someone catching it. The lack of response confirms that, yes, Joy was friends with the Beckers and she was pissed that I complained on them and she did spite me because of it. Wouldn’t you defend yourself if you were innocent and say something to the effect of how she was sorry I didn’t like it but that my complaint had nothing to do with her countercomplaint? So again, I just can’t know what kinds of connections people may have.

It really pisses me the fuck off. I can no longer use the living room in the daytime without being likely to hear the damn thing and I don’t even know that having fans and air cleaners going will drown it out. It’s pretty loud when it’s in front of the house. I could hear it shut up in the bathroom in back of the house the other day. Again, why is it that within six months to a year of moving someplace, it gets noisier? Why does this always, always happen to me?

I’m not gonna tell Tom about the complaint unless he finds out about it by reading this or some other way. I know that if I tell him, his paranoid side is only going to go into immediate overdrive. Why worry him until and unless something arises from it? I’m not gonna lie to him either. If Steve mentions the complaint and he tells me about it, I’ll speak up then. For now, the question is whether or not the complaint will even get back to Steve in the first place and how effective it will be if it does.

When I went to look for Dixie cups I was like, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me! $8 for 40 cups? Yes, they last a long time, but I would rather just use droppers when doing my ear.

This inflation better stop soon, or else they better do something. I know some people are getting raises, but what about those of us on Social Security? What are they going to do? Put half the country on welfare?

I’m going to continue not to worry too much about controlling my weight with my elevated TSH, but I’m still going to eventually try to set a goal of one potato hash a day (with chickpeas & veggies), which is 3 eats, and then a meat and veggie meal. This would total 4 eats and it would be about 1200 calories or slightly more. Too much for me to lose weight on normal TSH or not, but should prevent gaining. Can’t cut out my coffee and I don’t want to cut the bananas, but I’ll definitely cut back on nuts and wine. I’ll only allow myself one small candy bar a week. This means that the only expensive item I’ll be getting will be fish. I’ll have an occasional yogurt too. The Mediterranean diet isn’t big on yogurt. So the one piece of meat I have a day and the cheese I sprinkle on top of the potato hash will be the only things with cholesterol.

I was surprised to receive a voice message from the dentist at this time, knowing that I’m not due for my next cleaning until October. Why does everyone have to call me when I’m on nights? Anyway, all she said was that she was calling about “outstanding treatment.” Tom says we’re completely paid up, so we’re guessing they just want to drum up some more business. Maybe I should go in sooner and get the crown taken care of and find out for sure whether or not I have a cavity. I just hate to have appointments during the storm season.

I’ve been watching Manifest. Haven’t had to hear about race, but it’s still too married with children/single without. They’re willing to hire actresses that aren’t as pretty to reflect a more realistic view of people’s appearance, but not a more realistic view of modern lifestyles?

Never heard from Jessie yesterday, and of course I never heard from Andy after I sent him a 28-second video clip of me playing tennis in VR because it’s not an interest of his. Can’t help but compare him to Aly. She would have at least said something like, “I’m glad you like it.”

Well, I at least like it in VR. Never had any interest in it in real life.

I’m glad Tom accidentally discovered that the thumbstick moves you around the court since I don’t have enough room to run back and forth for the ball.

I also discovered a free app called Liminal. It has all kinds of sounds, colors, and effects that are said to influence mood. It’s a different kind of meditation.

I got the best lotion applicator for my back yet. Instead of those horrible rollerballs that would get stuck, it’s a piece of dense foam on a stick, sort of like a bath brush. It works great and doesn’t absorb the lotion. Not that he complained, but I’ll never have to bug Tom again to lotion up my back!

I really hope the only reason I haven’t heard from Jessie is that she’s busy with her new job. She did say that someone close to her did get in an accident and then got sick afterward. The thing is that I told her that was one scenario that ran through my mind. She said that was “so creepy” because that actually happened. I told her to just let me know if she was spooked by psychics and wanted me to keep things that came to me when I was awake or in dreams to myself and that I gladly would. She read my messages but she didn’t take the time to reply. She doesn’t always reply right away and that’s fine but if she had time to be on Facebook as often as she was yesterday why couldn’t she make a quick reply?

Again I just hope she’s busy with her new job and this doesn’t have anything to do with me divulging what happened in Arizona. I’m probably just being paranoid because I’ve been dumped so many times in my life but on the off chance that she’s pulling away because of it, whose fault is it? I was always taught that those who are true friends accept you as you are. So would it be her fault because she couldn’t accept me as I was? Or would it be mine because I could have kept my mouth shut in the first place?

WEDNESDAY, MAY 25, 2022 Oh, what fun it is to screw up cooking. Yes, that was said with sarcasm. I put too much onion in my veggie soup, so that was a bust. Then I used the tenderizer after I seasoned it and before I remembered that I now have one. I hope I didn’t wake him up beating the shit out of it. You don’t really have to hit it that hard. It seemed to flatten it a bit.

Because these are thick pork chops, you’re supposed to sear them in an oven-safe skillet for two minutes on each side. I’ve been meaning to get one of those, so I finally put one in the cart. It was the cheapest one I could find that still had good reviews and was a best seller.

For now, I had to improvise by searing the chop and then transferring it to a cookie sheet. There it was baked at 400 degrees for 10 minutes on each side. I don’t know if I could call it tender. It was a little dry. But I liked how the edges were seared crispy and it tasted good. It was like it was straight off the grill.

The grass is continuing to thrive. The park used the sit-down mower again and they had no problems mowing it. No clumps came up or anything like that. The side yard still looks a bit brown due to the lack of rain, but it’s starting to green up a little bit as we slowly ease back into the storm season.

Anyway, between cooking, cleaning, and other things, I’ve been having trouble focusing, but I guess that’s just how I’ve always been. I get distracted and sidetracked easily. It’s hard for me to focus on one thing at a time and stick with it. I always seem to jump around. This is my fifth attempt just to finish this journal entry. I always remember something else I want to do or want to check on.

Jessie is getting annoying because first she told me that what was going on that was so crazy was “so bad.” Today all she said was that the state of Florida called her. I asked why, wondering if it was for jury duty. Then she said, “I got a job” and that was it. She never elaborated on what was “so bad.” I hate it when people do that and go talking in riddles without explaining what they mean. You can’t be that vague and expect people to magically understand. I’m just not that psychic. My mind was all over the place from a problem with the house or contractors to her getting a bad medical diagnosis or someone close to her getting sick or in an accident.

Steve is still pissing me off with the dog, even though it’s gotten better…I think. I miss the days when I rarely heard barking. For now, just like at the old place, I hear it every single fucking day. Yes, it’s only a few barks at a time, but still, I don’t want to hear it at all. Why do people do this to me every single place I live and annoy me with their dogs? Other people’s dogs have been an issue for me for decades. Is something trying to tell me something? Like to get a dog of my own? Would one really make a good pet for me? I would worry about it barking while I was sleeping, so I don’t know. It would have been easy to keep away from the bedroom in the other place, but not this place. It’s still a possibility, but first I want to make sure that yes, we are going to remain in Florida.

I use my outer office from 8:00 PM to 8:00 AM. Even with Steve out of the picture, this way, I’m less distracted by little sounds.

Looks like book sales are tapering off. I didn’t even manage to bleed $25 out of them this time around. Kind of insulting, but I knew I was never meant to make money. Some things are in our cards and some aren’t.

TUESDAY, MAY 24, 2022 I forgot to mention that the power flickered off for a second the last time there was a storm. I heard the distant rumbling of thunder a little while ago. I just hope I don’t get woken up before my appointment! I like that my regular dental exams are in the spring and the fall so that they’re before and after storm season. I just hope I don’t have to go in sooner if I continue having that feeling of having a cavity. She told her assistant to put a watch on one of the teeth and called out the number for her to put in their system. Wish I knew what that number was so I could look it up. I’m a little worried because it seems close to my bridge. If I needed a new bridge, that would be an astronomical expense!

Still feel good, both physically and emotionally. Just getting these weird waves of lightheadedness at times. I’m guessing that’s because my ear needs to be done.

The new AC is doing a great job of keeping it dry in here since it’s deathly humid outside. Glad we’re not in NorCal now! The heatwaves and fire warnings have already begun. I can just imagine what kind of heatwaves and fires are to come over the summer!

Mia’s free gift this week was a watch. Like, who cares?

I’m a little worried about Jessie now. Yesterday she told me it was a crazy day there and that she would catch up on messages later. I told her no problem and that I hoped it wasn’t crazy in a bad way. Today I got up to find a message from her saying “So bad.”

I’m guessing it must have to do with the contractors working on her house, or maybe one of her pets.

I told her about “Operation Desert Shitstorm.” When I feel like I trust a person enough to tell them about it, it’s good to tell them because then I can confirm just how true of a friend they are.

I wonder why her daughter has her maiden name. I thought she had her with her husband after they were married.

I’m frustrated with VZ’s latest problem. They don’t seem to get it or know what to do about it. I’m actually wondering if it could be on Google’s end. Comfort Mode just doesn’t move as smoothly as it used to. I have to use Flatten Mode. I feel like Flatten may have even more distortion, though. The thing is that after switching to Flatten, I can’t get back to Comfort. Well, I can get back to it; it just doesn’t work right. I’m getting these slow herky-jerky movements if I can even move at all.

Discovered a really cool tennis demo. Who would have ever thought back when I was all alone in the '80s and didn’t have much more to do other than read, write, make prank phone calls and struggle financially that I would one day be able to play miniature golf, tennis, and all kinds of other games from the comfort of my home and have it feel as if I’m literally there.

Didn’t hear anything yesterday, but today he heard one or two barks before I got up, and I heard a couple of barks afterward. I hate the thought of having to live with this thing for God knows how many years.

SUNDAY, MAY 22, 2022 Worried I may have a cavity brewing. I sure hope not! We’ve had enough dental expenses and I’ve got more coming up when I get my crown.

I’m tired today although I don’t know why. I thought I slept pretty well and I got a better score too. Yet it’s like when I was getting tired for no reason for most of last year. Makes me wonder if my thyroid is dying off some more.

We had a really nice storm for most of the day and night yesterday. There were a couple of really loud claps of thunder, so I was glad I was awake at the time.

Mia is now on level 100!

Later…

Storm season has officially begun! Today’s storm came with perfect timing and waited until after I got up. Before it started, it was so quiet that I could literally hear next door’s AC running. They also have one of their bathroom windows open a bit and I wonder if they forgot to close it and turn the AC off before they left, or at least turn it up higher. The thing has to be set lower than 77 because I heard it turn off and then back on before ours came on which was set to 77 at the moment.

Someone must be using Aly’s Fitbit. I stumbled into her Fitbit account from mine and noticed that there’s been activity after she died.

FRIDAY, MAY 20, 2022 Oklahoma is now officially sicker than Texas. They won’t even give you six weeks. In OK, any fertilized egg at any stage is considered a “life.” So what if it doesn’t have a brain or pain receptors? snorts with disgust You know, I just don’t understand how women could have a “guaranteed” constitutional right for half a century and suddenly it’s not OK anymore.

I once asked Tom if he thought I should bother editing typos out of old journals and he said no, leave them as they were written. I think I’m gonna take his advice. Why slave over something for so long and do all that work for free for something that may never be read in the future? I still may tinker with it a bit, but I get that you can’t possibly have thousands and thousands of pages of writing and not expect to have a few typos here and there.

I’ve set the final dates for my journal and a few stories to be published in 2045 on Blogger. I just don’t think we’re gonna be around in 23 years and if we are, we’re not going to have much time left. Chances are very slim of any legal trouble arising from anything I publish, and if there is, it isn’t the kick-your-door-in-and-arrest-you kind of trouble but the send-you-a-subpoena-that-you-ignore kind of trouble. I don’t care if the story of my life as I knew it offends or hurts anyone’s feelings, nor do I care what any laws say. If I have something to say, I’m going to say it. There are no direct threats or sensitive info that I’ve shared in any way, and that’s good enough for me. No one is ever forced to read my stuff.

Had fun with the Wander app again last night. I went to my first childhood home and took pictures to show Tom. Plus, my grandparents’ place next door. Mostly I had fun going to random locations. Some of them were pretty obvious, like the ancient ruins of Peru as well as the desert areas in Arizona and Mexico.

At one point I landed in an empty house in what I’m guessing was some Asian country because of the way there was Asian writing on a sticker on the side of the kitchen counter. It was a cool-looking place. It was fun to explore and like breaking and entering without actually breaking and entering.

Managed to sleep through some thunder today. On a scale of 1 to 10, Tom said it was a 7, and this is coming from a guy who’s half deaf. The real test comes in a couple of months.

Got one of my worst sleep scores in a while of only 78. I kept waking up a lot. It was probably the wine I had. That’s going to be eliminated again for a while as soon as I get ready in 10 days or so to make the next dose increase. My mother showed up in my dreams again too. It was a weird dream because she lived in a house by herself somewhere and I lived within walking distance of the place. I have no idea what state this was in or who got there first, but I was walking by her place one day. I hadn’t seen her in a while. She was indoors, but I spotted a young woman and a young guy in her front yard. I figured the young woman that was sitting on a bench was the housekeeper and the guy was fixing something. It frustrated me and I even felt a little hurt that she included me in so little of her life that I didn’t know who they were.

Then the dream jumped forward in time a little bit. After walking to wherever I was going, I was walking back when I saw my mother getting something out of her car. I walked up to her holding what looked like a small raft in front of my face. All she could see were my eyes. At first, she didn’t know who I was, and then she said my name. I uncovered my face with a giggle. She seemed to have mixed emotions about me being there. She gave me a quick kiss seemingly out of obligation. I didn’t return the affection. Instead, I pointed to a long round metal tank in her yard and asked her what it was for. She mumbled something, and then I was on my way home.

THURSDAY, MAY 19, 2022 Looked at the high-low temperature differences between this place and the old place. Where they’re 90s/50s, we’re 80s/70s. Much more comfortable here, even though it’s gotten a bit humid. I hated those high fluctuations between night and day.

Tom really nailed it when picking out new blinds for the lanai. Instead of real bamboo reeds, they’re white plastic but look so much better. You can see through them easier and they let in more light, yet you still have privacy. I wouldn’t want them for a bathroom or a bedroom, though. We still don’t expect to use that room very often. After the windows are done we’ll do the floor. We’ll probably just put down foam tiles.

One of the fitted sheets is coarse and pilling, so I decided to replace it, but instead of getting cotton or microfiber, I’m getting a satin sheet.

I’ll be seeing a male ENT in Port Richey on the first.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2022 They’re expecting a wave of violence across the country when abortion is officially criminalized. I wouldn’t expect much for this. Most of the violence is race-related. If there is, it will be pointless since it wouldn’t be directed at the people who deserve the violence. I would absolutely love for someone to beat the shit out of or even kill some of these – I hate to call them justices because there’s nothing “just” about them – and make an example out of them to show society what can happen when you play God with other people’s lives. But that’s the problem…they are God. They’re invincible and they know it. So they get a little protesting outside their homes. That’s as far as it will ever go.

Nothing can or will change until the justices are mostly liberals. This takes decades. Even when and if that finally happens, it will eventually revert back to a conservative majority once again and go back and forth over the decades. Everybody’s gotta try to one-up the other. I think the US, along with Poland, are the only two countries to revert back to the Dark Ages. It’s sick. It really is. The US is one of the last countries I thought would ever stoop so low. I thought we valued women a little more than that here, but apparently not.

Next will be the gays. I wonder how long it will be before gay marriage is a thing of the past. I’m so sick of this little black-and-white world I live in where one day something’s legal and the next it’s not and back and forth and back and forth with the giving and taking of rights.

And I’m sick of Steve. He and his mutt need to go. The fucking thing barked yesterday at 8:00 PM, and it was for more than a minute. Damn, I hope someone will complain! If he is like most people though, he won’t take it very well, especially since it appears he has a temper. I heard him arguing and swearing at either his wife or the mutt and then storming out of the place to get something out of his car. He then shut the door with a honk and went back inside.

Tom lowered the sprinklers because he might have them start mowing now that the grass is starting to go to seed. To our surprise, they didn’t mow yesterday. He also glued what I call a disco ball back onto this black iron stand. It’s a ball with a pretty, colorful metallic coating.

We power-washed the driveway and the car. Tom did most of it because I’m short.

My new beach chair arrived in it’s great. The only thing is that my feet don’t touch the ground, but if I have a mound of sand in front of me, that can be a little footrest.

I can’t wait to get back to the beach! I forgot to mention that for a split second, I saw a dolphin just as it was diving under the water.

TUESDAY, MAY 17, 2022 Just when my slew of scam calls started slowing down, they’re picking back up again. I’m even getting some spam texts. Sooner or later I’ve got to have most numbers blocked that they could possibly call me from, right? eyeroll

Found out some really interesting information about the mutt that’s been annoying on and off. I said hello to Toni and casually mentioned hearing more barking lately that’s kind of annoying, and as expected, she said it was coming from Steve’s place. Apparently, it’s Roy’s service dog. Roy couldn’t take care of it anymore, so Steve adopted it. I’m surprised because I thought a service dog would be a lot more composed, even though it’s likely confused as to why it’s suddenly in a new home with new people. Toni and I are hoping it just has to get used to its surroundings, but I think this is just the way the dog is and it probably barked at Roy’s place as well. She says she’s used to it, but also annoyed and feels stuck between a rock and a hard place because she feels bad for the dog being uprooted and all that, and therefore feels obligated not to say anything. She told me not to hesitate, to complain if it bothers me, though. But of course I won’t. And I did tell her without going into details that complaints have a way of backfiring on me so I wasn’t willing to go that route.

Where it got interesting was that her sister used to live in her place. She let the dog bark that she had at the time and got complaints. She received a letter saying that it had to be resolved or she needed to leave. But then Toni came around and kept it quiet. So as I knew was the case, it isn’t that Steve can’t do something about it but that he chooses not to.

Jessie told her immediate neighbors to let her know if her dogs get annoying. She says it’s horrible living in manufactured homes because the walls are so thin. Indeed they are. I definitely miss being on a concrete slab with brick walls.

Anyway, Toni said “complaints” as in plural. So as long as it wasn’t whoever was in this house and in Steve’s house before he moved in, then somebody around here doesn’t like barking. Now I’m hoping the barking will actually get a little worse and entice them to complain again. I feel really bad for those on the sides of Steve. Tom guesses one of the complainers is the guy across the street because he has one of those ‘no pooping’ signs on his grass.

Tom said it barked for 30 seconds or less because somebody went on the roof to paint the trim. Well, I really hope someone will take the honors of complaining because I think we’re gonna hear it three or four times a day, if not more, until they do. I have too much of a complex on me after past experiences to have the guts to complain and I know Tom wouldn’t want that.

I assured Toni I would keep our discussion confidential, thanked her for letting me go to her about the dog, and she said no problem. That’s what neighbors are for. So she’s the new Mrs. Twenties of sorts.

It’s a pity I’ve had to spend so much time over the years trying to get people to shut the fuck up. It’s almost like it’s been a side job. It also sucks how the Supreme Court can take from millions of women and I can’t take this one thing from one person. I would love to be able to take away the things that people annoy me with! As in abuse it and lose it. The thing is after I took the dog away from him since he obviously won’t control it, I don’t know what I would do with it. I wouldn’t want a dog that noisy and I wouldn’t have the patience to train it myself. Besides, we’re not ready for a pet and the expense it would bring. I would probably surrender it to a shelter so it could be adopted. Just not one nearby figuring he might look there, LOL.

It sucks just how polarized this country is with no middle ground. Why do so many people refuse to see all the gray areas in between? I just don’t get this. I can’t stand checking the news because it’s all about attacks on women, attacks on gays, attacks on Ukraine, the race bullshit, etc. There’s so much hate and control out there. It’s almost like nothing good happens anymore.

Andy says that while both were horrible, slavery was worse because it went on for 400 years instead of the 8 years World War Two lasted. But were 6 million of them killed? Then again, I guess length of time matters as much as the actual event. If I had to choose between spending the rest of my life in prison versus dying relatively quickly, I would take the latter. Either way, it isn’t black’s past that I have a problem with, but how they are in modern times. Some of them anyway.

Mia’s free gift sucks this week. It’s a men’s suit jacket. What is she going to do with that? Dress up like a guy?

For $75, we found a higher beach chair that has a canopy on top that pivots. It has a cupholder too. It might be harder to shade all of me, but all that matters is my upper body.

Ordered another spiral-bound journal as well since I’m almost finished with this one.

Although it will never be much, it’s fun watching my books work for me and generate extra money. First, I slaved over working to create them and now they work for me. I just put them out there and do nothing but hope they make money. Also, that no one goes review-bombing.

Last night I had this really bizarre dream. It started off great because I had this cute brown rat who was very obedient and loving. I would call its name, whatever that was, and it would come to me and snuggle up with me.

But then Tom and I were about to die. I don’t know if we were planning to kill ourselves together or if something was going to kill us that we had no control over, but instead of being sad, mad, or scared, we were thrilled. This was because we knew we would get out of the possibility of having future diseases and other forms of suffering. Plus, we wouldn’t have to watch our beloved rat die. Then he joked and said, “It figures, though, that when we’re about to die, I get more programming ideas,” and we laughed as if it was the funniest thing in the world.

MONDAY, MAY 16, 2022 On the way to the beach now. So, so good to get out today. Too many days cooped up inside the house and I get a little stir-crazy.

For two days, I didn’t hear the dog but this morning I did. So much for influencing. It was only about 6 barks, but again, not the point. It probably barked the last two days and I just didn’t hear it as I was either close to the air cleaner or in back of the house. They have two lanais, so more opportunities for its racket to escape its house besides through open windows.

I also heard one that’s been here all along. Sadly, where there are people, there are dogs. It’s just a matter of if it’s a few scattered barks or all the time, depending on where you live. In the mainstream, you get it all the time. In adult communities, you get it sometimes. Sometimes is definitely better than all the time.

Aly would be just as sickened by the Governor of Nebraska as I am if she was still alive. Sometimes I wonder if she wasn’t actually one of the lucky ones to be able to escape this twisted world sooner. I guess that depends on what, if anything, happens after death.

Anyway, the prick says women should be forced to carry their rapist’s babies. How fucking sick is that?! Let someone implant female anatomy in him, rape him, impregnate him, and then see how easy it is for him to say that.

I didn’t read the article – I’m so sick of nothing but abortion, race, and Russia/Ukraine that I try to avoid the news except to get Bing points - but I saw a headline that said something to the effect of nurses gearing up for training that excluded abortion care. But aren’t they still going to train them for life-saving abortions? Or are they just going to let the mothers die? Sadly, I know better than to say that people aren’t that crazy because yes, they certainly are.

After they attack gay rights next, I wonder if they’ll ever make abortion illegal on a federal level. This country is really doomed if they do. I mean, that’s beyond crawling back into the dark ages. Once you revert to that shit it’s like, what’s next? Making women dress like they do in Muslim countries?

There are still some people worried that Putin’s gonna resort to nukes, but I still don’t see that. The only way there might be a slight possibility would be in a murder-suicide case if he knew he was dying. This would depend on how much he valued his family and friends. If he didn’t give a shit about them and knew he was about to die, then he might decide to take as many people as he could with him, but I doubt it.

Still think he can add a grand and maybe even a few grand to our yearly income, but I don’t see us ever in a position to move without him working, and of course, we don’t want that.

Sometimes I wonder…would it be worth it, despite the tremendous odds and receiving other people’s win notifications if I started sweeping again? I’m still thinking no. Way too many people entering sweeps these days. At least I’m up $20 in book sales, even though that won’t last.

Coming back over the drawbridge now and heading for the charger and then BK. I shouldn’t be eating crap, but it’s been a while and we all need variety and to treat ourselves now and then.

We didn’t exactly get our $8 worth today since we only stayed for about an hour. It was high tide, leaving us nothing but a rocky strip of “beach” to set up on. Getting in and out of the water was a bit treacherous too. Next time, we’re definitely going to go to an area with more sandy space even if it means more people, and there would probably still be rocks and shells to navigate. The problem with traversing the rocks is their lack of sturdiness. As soon as you put your weight on them, they roll out from under you. The water’s current tugging at my legs didn’t help either. I fell getting in and out of the water and nearly landed on my ass on the shore as well. It was especially hard getting out of the water and I needed Tom’s help. I’m a little perplexed as to why my balance has gotten so bad. I’m guessing it’s connected to age, weight, and shitty vision. Hard to believe I used to figure skate and skateboard as a kid and even did cross-country skiing and water skiing a couple of times. I would be absolutely terrified to put on a pair of skates now!

Swimming was still fun, although the water seemed slightly cooler this time. I got goosebumps after a while, but it was still nice despite some floating grass and accidentally swallowing a bit of water. We didn’t stay long. The rocks were getting to me and I didn’t bring anything to do yet didn’t want to stay in the water for hours. I think next time I’ll bring my phone and see if I can read in the shade. I’ve got the Kindle app on my phone.

I also want to see if I can find some kind of umbrella I could attach to my chair. That way we wouldn’t have to lug the umbrella. It always seems to take too long to set up and gather up the stuff to leave. Better yet, I want to look for a higher chair. It would be easier to get in and out of.

OK, we’re back at the house now and I just talk-typed up what I wrote in my rainbow journal that I’m going to leave here whether we move or die here someday. The next person in here is really going to be confused since it was written in on and off since 2014 and contains a mix of things. Stuff going on in my life, dreams, story excerpts, etc.

SUNDAY, MAY 15, 2022 So I was talking to Becky who plans to partake in the abortion protests and says apathy is deadly. Maybe so, but a lack of apathy also gets you in jail or spited. Yet she feels the protests will work, and after all, protests were what stopped the Vietnam War. Yeah, but that’s different.

I still say you can’t reason with crazy. There’s no changing their twisted little minds. No amount of scientific evidence or education will do a damn bit of good. Conservatives are hateful, controlling, obsessive, and delusional. Anytime you have mostly conservatives in charge, the country will be in trouble. You can’t just talk sense into extremists. They’ll keep attacking one thing after another until the Supreme Court is one day mostly Liberals, and that takes decades. Things won’t change for the better in our lifetime. Conservatives should never be allowed to hold any kind of power anywhere but sadly, we live in a black-and-white country.

I still think they’ll allow abortions for emergencies, and I still say that many doctors still do abortions because they took an oath to do no harm. It’s their job to serve and help their patients, so no law is going to stop that. Until the abortion pill is made illegal, there’s that to help women too. But once that’s illegal, they can’t stop other means of abortion like herbs and taking a good swift punch to the stomach, among other things.

Those who worry about all these millions of women being forced to have kids they don’t want and dying from home abortions are silly. What we should really worry about are the things that there’s no getting around. There’s no way to get around it when they tell gays they can no longer marry. There’s no way to get around when they start cutting Social Security and chipping away at our healthcare access. If God forbid things really, really get crazy, my life will be in danger. Jews are the second most hated group in the world.

One day isn’t nearly enough to tell me anything, but I never once heard the dog bark yesterday. It still makes me wonder yet again if there’s something about this influencing I might actually be able to control. I can’t make all the conservatives cease to exist, but maybe I can make it as peaceful as it used to be, especially when the snowbirds are gone.

So what exactly is my ideal dream house? I’ve had ideas, but not the specifics. I’ve often asked myself what I want. I think my ideal dream place is in a soundproof high-rise condo that overlooks the ocean as well as some other things. This way the view would change from day to night. I would see the ocean and observe people going about down below during the daytime. By night I would see twinkling lights. I loved how I could see for miles and miles out the living room window in Maricopa, and then lights twinkling in the distant city at night.

If we were up high enough, a high-rise would take us further from the street and any projects going on. However, the interior would have to be soundproof otherwise we would be trading in street noise for the usual bumps, bangs, and slams you hear when you’re attached to others. I don’t want to go back to listening to people’s TVs, stereos, cabinets, doors, and heavy footsteps if they happen to walk like an elephant. It would also insulate the place better and storms wouldn’t seem so loud being in concrete and steel as opposed to this flimsy wooden house.

It’s just a dream, though, as is my second dream home, which would be a place that was on the beach or close to it. It would have its own private dock like what my parents had.

SATURDAY, MAY 14, 2022 I only walked down about 10 houses worth this morning and then ran back up. I breathed in the stench of smoke on the way down and up. I swear there weren’t nearly as many smokers in Cali as there are here.

Less than a year in and it’s already noisier with all the projects and barking. Funny, though, how he said that if we go rural and the neighbors are up to no good, we can’t do anything about it. But we can’t do anything about it right here. I get his point in that you’re likely to have more problems there than here and how it’s safer here, but still. If Toni decided to run a dogfighting ring, the honker blasted in and out, and Steve let his mutt bark round the clock, what could we do about it? Complain and get sent to jail if one of them has a cop pal or be told to do a $1000 upgrade because someone in the office is besties with one of them?

Believe me, I hate the complex the past has put on me and I know a stronger person wouldn’t let the past dictate the future, but it’s not that easy. It does get to me at times, though, that 6 people on the Supreme Court can tell millions of women what to do with their lives and bodies, and I can’t even get one person to control their fucking dog. Just one person.

Why does this always happen to me? Just why? Every single fucking place I go gets noisier until I’m about to leave it. I swear yesterday was almost like the old place without the traffic. Yes, it can and has been much worse, but I didn’t come here for this. I don’t care if his dog barks for less than 30 seconds at a time. Just the fact that I hear it every single day really gets to me. I don’t make him hear anything of ours regularly.

They put the roof on the day before yesterday and that wasn’t too noisy. Just a few rounds of mild pounding. I thought they were done with the place, but they did work on it yesterday as well and the pounding got to the point where it was distracting.

It’s a crisp, cool morning out at 68 degrees, so I have a couple of windows open. I’ll shut them when the temperature rises or the projects and barking get too annoying, whichever comes first.

Really surprised that Texas of all states wants free speech online. I would think a state like that would do the exact opposite. Still, with all the crazy laws, restrictions, and all the little sensitives out there and their poor, poor little fragile eggshell feelings, I’m afraid to even breathe online these days.

Reality versus Amy Coney-Barrett:

Amy: Any woman can simply get paid time off for having an unwanted kid, there’s plenty of childcare available, and they can all become Supreme Court justices and raise many children just like she did. Plus, there are plenty of contraceptives available.

Reality: This country has one of the shittiest paid leave benefits and childcare services available due to the way women have been pressured to be little workhorses and skip having kids in the first place for the last 30 years or so. And no, they can’t all become Supreme Court justices with lots of kids nor do they all want to in the first place. Lastly, contraceptives sometimes fail, and no, there aren’t plenty of contraceptives available because not everyone can afford them, and they’ve also become a target.

It’s almost scary to have such blatant stupidity for a “justice.” It really is.

FRIDAY, MAY 13, 2022 We’re planning on driving down to the beach on Monday, but since I don’t want to wait that long to catch up on my writing, I’ll get started now. I can work on my story on the road.

I’m using my chat thread with Alyssa to keep an audio journal. It’s the easiest place to do it that I know of. It’s even easier than Twitter and definitely easier than Swell. I still can’t help but wonder if she ever listens. It doesn’t matter if she does, but I’m curious. Does she or doesn’t she? I would still have to guess no. Where is a doctor/wife/mother going to find time to listen to several minutes of messages from someone they never wanted to be friends with? She’s never given me any indication that she’s read anything of mine, let alone ever contacted me in any way. Even so, the idea of her possibly listening, even if it’s slim, kind of amuses me. I’m not saying anything I wouldn’t mind her hearing. Whether she listens in or not, it’s a convenient place to keep an audio journal of my life. The lack of change in profile pictures for so long likely has nothing to do with me, and it’s even likelier that she’s not listening.

Sometimes I think that, yeah, maybe she is listening and that’s why she hasn’t updated her profile pic in three years; because she feels her privacy has been violated and she doesn’t want me seeing any new content. But if that’s the way she really feels, couldn’t she just simply block me? Or would that be considered a “reaction” of some kind that she doesn’t want to give me? I’ve always wondered why some people ignore while others block. Stacey might have the answer to that, but I’m certainly not going to ask her, LOL.

The doc is more confusing than ever. She’s read the few messages I’ve sent but continues not to engage with me in any way. It’s weird because she definitely doesn’t strike me as the type to be a friend collector.

Fitbit has added the A-fib detector, but you have to be still for them to detect it if you have it. I’m not always still when my heart flutters, although I don’t expect to get a notification either way. I was surprised to learn that some people with A-fib don’t have symptoms.

Everything I want to publish for now is published. So now I just let them sit there and generate whatever they’re going to generate.

The ENT referral I was given was for somebody who’s out of network, so they gave me another referral that was in Tampa. If we have to go all the way to Tampa, I would rather see the first guy I saw. But Tom swears we can find one closer, so he’s looking on the insurance site.

Yesterday I was like, what is it with this place all of a sudden becoming a little more like the old place with the projects and the barking? Yesterday morning, I was pissed at Steve for letting his dog bark for a minute or two and not taking responsibility to do a damn thing about it. I haven’t heard it today, but when Tom was out, he heard it bark and then Steve yelled at it. It’s about fucking time!

Then. I had a hilarious thought. When it was going off yesterday morning and distracting me when I was golfing with Tom, the windows happened to be open and I was bitching to Tom about it. Could Steve have heard me? I don’t know about that. I mean, yes, I’m kind of loud, but could he really make out what I was saying?

I still hear the dogs at night that are outside of the park, but never in the daytime. This pretty much tells me they’re probably allowed indoors during the daytime and that they are at the junkyard protecting the place. At least I think it’s some kind of junkyard. At first I thought it was coming from straight behind us, and while it could be, the distance seems about right for the volume.

So yesterday’s projects were Steve having his place pressure washed, a pest vehicle at the place next to him, plus a roof going on a few houses down in the other direction. Fortunately, it was far from maddening. Just a little noticeable. I can hear some hammering today too. Someone recently moved into this house, so I guess now they’re adding the trimming to the place or something.

I’ve certainly got a growing curse on me lately. One of the bamboo stalks died and the basil plant doesn’t look so great. The newly planted palm trees across the street don’t look like they’re doing well either. I don’t think it’s just the dry weather. I think it’s mostly due to the shitty soil they warned us about when we first moved here.

Bought a $10 app called Wander. You can explore almost anywhere in the world, and even the space station. I’m not so sure about it yet. It requires so much clicking of the controllers. I can pretty much see the same stuff in VZfit, but I’ll give it time. I like how you can choose a random place to explore even if it doesn’t tell me where I’m at. I don’t like that I’m not at ground level, but Google doesn’t shoot pics at ground level. The pictures also take longer to load than on VZfit.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 11, 2022 Turns out that the heart monitor is covered, but we would have to pay 15%. I told them that since money is tight and I really don’t think there’s any cause for concern I wanted to wait for now. Money isn’t really that “tight” right now, but still.

We were surprised they mowed yesterday since it’s been dry. So apparently, they go by the calendar. The good thing is that the sit-down mower is back. It did the side while the stand-up did the center of the park as usual. Hopefully, they’ll stick to this routine.

Mia’s free gift last time around was a silver wedding band. Like who gives a shit, right? Plus, the idiot devs still can’t seem to get their shit together which means all her makeup and jewelry are periodically removed. She also defaults to her original outfit. It’s fucking ridiculous that they can’t fix a simple problem.

Jessie’s not my age as I thought. She has another account that has a variation of her name that was suggested to me and the birth date on it is 1967.

I would still prefer to have a text version of my recipes on Blogger besides the screenshots of recipes so I found an image text transcriber. It’s not perfect, but it works pretty well. This way I can search for keywords if I want.

Again with the weird dreams, but I guess weird is better than bad. Horses were climbing palm trees. Then I guess I had a thing for some older nurse and was playing around in a wheelchair like a kid drives their toy car.

In the last dream, we had a two-story house or we were in an apartment on an upper floor. I woke up late in the day, walked up to a window, and gazed down at the front yard across the street to see a bunch of car equipment, tools, and radios scattered about. I asked Tom if the music was loud and he said no, but he could hear it outside.

TUESDAY, MAY 10, 2022 I removed my polish. My nails still look great. There’s no discoloration that I can see, but I might put the lacquer on the tip of one of my thumbs. After I let them breathe for a bit I’ll put some stickers on. I’m just going to be smart this time and not let the adhesive build up.

I noticed the other day that my shoulders are uneven. My right shoulder is slightly lower than my left. Is this something new or has this been going on for a long time? I’m usually pretty observant, so I would be surprised if it’s existed for that long. It’s my dominant arm and I’m older, so it kind of makes sense. I googled it and it seems pretty harmless.

I had 15 fucking calls today. Oddly enough, though, only 11 were on the Recent list. Where are the other 4? And why the fuck won’t Apple let us block calls from unknown numbers? Two left voice mails. The usual scams. One was about unpaid taxes and the other I didn’t even bother to listen to.

Although a bit breezy now, it’s been bone dry out there. I guess they really did mean it after all when they said that May is the beginning of the storm season. The question is when in May. The later the better, because then that’s fewer sleep disturbances. If I survive the storm season, but only enough not to have to run to drier ground, it may not be smart to head further south or over to Jessie where it would only be worse. I feel I still have too many years left to live in the same place, though.

I slept great the night before last, but not as well last night. I had a few weird dreams. In one of them, I was sharing an apartment with a short Japanese man I didn’t know well. My room ran along two sides of his, forming an L shape. I was settling into bed one night when I could hear the beat of the music he was playing. I went and asked him to turn it down a bit and he didn’t seem too happy about that but agreed to do so. The strange thing was the columns of bricks he set up in his doorway so he could have the door open but keep me out. I wondered if he was a private person, or if he might be hiding something.

Then I was in a building somewhere in a long corridor. Some guy was standing next to me, and as we were moving down the corridor, he spotted some guys he was suspicious of. He tossed me over his shoulder and began running away with me. I guess he figured I couldn’t run fast enough, though I’m not sure how he managed to move so fast carrying so much weight.

In the last dream, I felt a definite lump in the bottom of my right boob. As I rubbed my fingers over it, however, it began to dissolve and disappear.

Galileo gave me the ENT referral. Dr. B, who looks as young and white as my old ENT. As long as she doesn’t have any crazy accents and she knows what she’s doing. I think she’s from here, so she shouldn’t be hard to understand.

I was talk-typing up recipes from the cookbooks I borrowed and then I realized that all I needed to do was load the reader on my computer and take screenshots of the recipes.

Protests and marches usually don’t do any good, but I love that they’re starting to take them to the homes of the Supreme Court justices. I really wish they would do more than just scream on their front lawns and instead bust into the houses and hurt or even kill them. Maybe that’s what it would take to send the proper message and make an example of them as to what can happen when you play God with people’s lives. I highly doubt this will happen, although I’m all for them at least protesting at their houses because that alone has to be kind of scary and disrupting of their lives.

I was sickened when some politician in the Midwest - and this was a woman too - said that a 13-year-old who got raped, pregnant, and forced to give birth should see it as an opportunity to raise a decent human being in the world. Really, I sat there blinking in shock, unsure of what I was seeing. I had to read it over and over again to be sure I was indeed correct in what I saw. Yup. The sick, twisted shit I was reading was in fact as real as ever. What the fuck was the sicko thinking when she said that shit??? Yeah, bitch, I’m sure every teenage girl hopes to hell she gets raped so she can have such a wonderful “opportunity,” assuming her parents let her keep the kid and sadly, they probably would. This isn’t the '70s.

Just when I thought people were done pulling all the surprises they could pull on me, again they failed to cease to amaze me on PB where someone wrote that they would see a baby that came from rape as a consolation prize.

I hate to say it but I can see where some people go crazy and lose it and start shooting up people. I can see how truly easy it is to get fed up with humanity as a whole, even though most shooting rampages are about a grudge against someone or because they were picked on. Either way, I get it. If I could snap my fingers and have every conservative drop dead along with certain types of personalities out there, I don’t see how I would hesitate if it was a matter of simply snapping my fingers and no one could ever know I was responsible.

SUNDAY, MAY 8, 2022 My back is getting better albeit slowly. Very slowly. I’m saving my workout for the end of the day. That way, if it causes it to flare up, I won’t have much time left in my day to have to deal with it. I want to try to run on the treadmill for 5 minutes, do 15 minutes of vibing, do a Moon Rider song, play Back to Space until I lose, and then top off the rest of the time with VZfit. So about an hour of physical activity.

I guess something doesn’t want the shower in the second bathroom fixed because when he finally went to epoxy a broken part, the hot water handle broke off. So the entire thing is going to have to be replaced like the one in CH. At least for now, we can run the cold water if we need to rinse or fill anything large.

The potato hash I made yesterday that includes gold Yukon potatoes and chickpeas along with an assortment of veggies came out great. Maybe adding bacon bits would have made it even better, but as it was I shouldn’t have had the cheese sprinkled on top of it. There’s simply no avoiding cholesterol altogether. I just don’t have that kind of willpower. Besides, my cholesterol would still be too high anyway.

I downloaded another Mediterranean cookbook with slow cooker recipes only. I like that most of the recipes serve two and it’s easier to measure for just me because all I have to do is just cut the measurements in half. Trying to figure out one serving out of something that serves 6 or 12 wasn’t very easy. Some things aren’t worth cutting in half, though, and would be easier to simply make two servings. It definitely isn’t easy to split an egg in half, for example.

It’s been fun copying recipes to my PB account. I’ve got a ways to go, though, because there are 250 recipes to go through. There’s very little that I wouldn’t eat, although I do improvise on some things. I’d rather the cod and Brussels sprouts dinner I recently made be cod and zucchini or something like that.

There were tons of races over the last three days and he was able to make a $90 profit. But then he lost $30 because he tried to win big. There was one race that would have won a couple of grand. He’s still ahead of the game and the tools he’s creating are still helping. He still hopes to double our yearly income. That’s his goal. As brilliant of a programmer as he is and as great as he is with numbers, I don’t think he’ll succeed by that much. I still think he can grab $10 a week from it. Time will tell which one of us is right!

Tom overate yesterday and nearly threw up. I hate it when he does that. I also hate that he eats nothing but processed crap. The only healthy things he’ll eat are potatoes and an occasional banana. He may be incredibly lucky so far, but I worry that it’s going to catch up with him and fuck up his health. It definitely doesn’t help his weight. He’s still in the 260s. As I’ve always said though, I’m alive for as long as he is. Doesn’t matter if it’s 1 year, 5 years, 10 or 20.

I try not to think about it or worry about it too much, but this whole thing with the Supreme Court is truly sickening and worrisome. If you’re not worried about the future, you’re either naïve or you don’t have much longer to live anyway. Don’t these sick, twisted, delusional fuckers see how detrimental it would be to make abortion illegal or continue with the restrictions? How does a rape victim begin to heal if she’s forced to carry her rapist’s baby? It would be bad enough if she was single, but imagine if she was married and her husband had to deal with it as well? I just hope that those who say that there are always ways around the crazy restrictions are correct. That’s what I’ve always heard and believed as well, though. There are always ways to lose a fetus. The problem is that some of these women could be facing jail time for doing so. It’s absolutely mind-boggling and sickening that this country is working hard at trying to throw a woman in prison for life for the “murder” of an unwanted fetus but will barely slap a rapist on the wrist if they even do that much.

If I were one of these so-called “justices” I would fear for my life. Anytime you play God with the lives of others you’re putting your life on the line. But then maybe I wouldn’t have to fear a thing since I would be heavily guarded all the time. Why is it that the most twisted of people in this world have the most protection?

They keep talking about letting each state decide things and that’s wrong. It shouldn’t be up to any state or the government. It should be up to the woman.

Again, what’s next? I’m still guessing the gutting of gay rights. Things have gotten so crazy that I’m now at the point where it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they decided that killing animals for food is a horrible sin and that everybody must go vegan or else get thrown in jail. What are they going to do then? Set up hotlines so people can report those who dare eat meat in hopes of getting an easy 10K for a successful conviction?

SATURDAY, MAY 7, 2022 Well, my crab cakes came out shitty as did my almond chia porridge. Maybe my potato hash will come out better tomorrow.

My metabolism isn’t any faster yet. I still can’t eat anything without gaining weight. But is that my age talking or my Hashimoto’s? It’s ridiculous to jump 2 pounds from a 200-calorie snack that stays with me for many hours. I’m hoping to drop a pound so I can eat one more time today without risking gaining more weight.

Earlier I got really warm and my heart spiked to 116, but I didn’t have any anxiety along with it. I think I just got overheated. It was 80 degrees where I was sitting and I had done a lot of work. I gave the kitchen a thorough cleaning. Lying down for a few minutes, dropping the temperature, and then doing my meditation helped.

I was hoping that Galileo forgot about the heart monitor, but they mentioned it. They asked me to verify my insurance and said they would order it. This is the Zio monitor, I guess. Not looking forward to wearing it, but if it will give everybody peace of mind, even though I don’t think there’s a problem, why not? My heart seems to do its weird flutter every few days or so, but according to everything I read online, they’re usually harmless. While I was exchanging messages with them, I asked for an ENT referral.

Tom had an excellent day with the horses yesterday, making $70. That’s more than triple his weekly goal. Really hope it’s not a fluke! There happened to be a lot more races than usual.

FRIDAY, MAY 6, 2022 The Woman in the House Across from the Girl in the Window is such a great series. There’s only one series so far and eight episodes, but it’s damn good. I’m watching it on Netflix.

My back is still hurting big time. So glad today’s cleaning and cooking are done!

Damn, I really have to slow down the eating! I’m going to gain weight for damn sure if I don’t. That’s the thing about dead thyroids. They don’t care if you have a 100-calorie snack. To my body, it’s like you had a 500-calorie meal. It treats everything I eat, no matter how big or small, as if it was a huge meal. It takes my body forfuckingever to burn it off too. I really hope that slowly lowering my TSH continues to be a success.

Funny how the Supreme Court’s leaked abortion draft is called an “opinion.” It’s not an opinion it’s a fucking plan. A sick, twisted plan. And it’s not their final decision they say? Who do they think they’re kidding? They had a plan all along and they fully intend to carry it out. Once this is accomplished they’ll gut more rights, probably GLBTs. Then they’ll work on things that affect us. The name of the game is control. You control and you change everybody that isn’t like you.

I still don’t get why everybody is so damn surprised though. I knew this was coming for a long time and it has nothing to do with being psychic. It’s common sense. Once Coney-Barrett got in I knew women’s rights were doomed, thanks to Trump who started this country on its way to regression and oppression.

Once Roe is overturned, I don’t see it becoming the all-out crisis that people are making it out to be any more than I believe that Putin is going to nuke anyone or that he really has cancer. There are always ways to abort. But it definitely does open the door for all kinds of other shit. It’s like the whole world is going to hell from climate change to inflation to crazy laws to wars.

As an Ashkenazi, I asked Tom if he thought they would ever be crazy enough to set up a hotline to report Jews so that they could go round them up and kill them, and he said no. But would either one of us have expected other things that have happened to happen? I learned to expect the unexpected a long time ago. Sadly, injustice typically prevails and nothing will ever change. I mean if we’re still dealing with the same shit like women’s rights after all these decades, things will never get better, and if they do, it won’t last. These days it’s politically correct to deem abortion “murder” and I learned a long time ago just how obsessed people can be with political correctness. People like “norms” and to do what most people do. They believe in God because most people do. They keep up to date with the latest style of clothing because that’s what most people do. The same goes for politics.

Jess isn’t the greatest writer, and sometimes it’s hard to understand her. I guess it’s not the community that mows, but someone who has their house done too early. I remember having to deal with that shit from different individuals at the old place. I would prefer loud mowers not to drive past the bedroom window when I’m sleeping, but it’s nice having to hear it once a week or less and not every single day.

Steve is the guy who moved in across from Toni. He’s a tall, skinny, tanned guy who’s always outdoors, like the honker. Too bad the honker isn’t just past his place. They’d love each other. Anyway, he and his wife have a dog that sometimes barks but fortunately, it hasn’t been too noticeable. At least not yet. I sure hope it doesn’t become like Gerry’s dog across the street from the old place!

Tom said he was afraid to try the goat cheese I left him. He said that knowing how he usually hates everything while I usually love everything, he’s afraid to even touch it if I don’t like it.

Aly has now been dead for one year. I will never stop missing her. Never.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 4, 2022 Just got back from a run to Walgreens. We’ve both been craving snacks.

Yesterday I was tired, so I took a nap. This time it actually refreshed me instead of making me more tired or just as tired. Had half a cup of coffee when I got up as well.

Jessie’s pissed because she too, got woken up by the mower before her 7:30 alarm. The only difference is they come at a decent time here, but not there. People have complained there that they come before 8, and the homeowners association, or whoever it is, doesn’t give a shit. I told her she and the others should remind the homeowners association who the paying customers are. This is exactly what I intend to do if there are any more complaints against us on account of the grass we spent hundreds of dollars getting. I got so mad when it hit me that hey, we’re the ones paying them yet they’re complaining? No fucking way I’m gonna stand for that! We put up with the other park parenting us and this one’s not going to do the same.

My docs and I agreed on a plan to have me step up the dose each month, assuming that all went well during the month before. I have felt great emotionally and I hope to hell it lasts! The goal is to have the 75s phased out by August. The thing is, I doubt 88s will be enough for me at this point. If that’s the case, then I guess I’ll have to slowly titrate up 100s. I really wish my thyroid would just completely die off so I could know it’s not gonna die anymore. We agreed I would wait on those supplements and they said they check in on me from time to time, which was really nice. Not even my old endo did that. Definitely happier with this kind of medical group than with the traditional way. It’s like having a team of medical doctors in my pocket.

I was hugging and kissing a cute little brown rat in my dreams when the mower woke me up. Last night I had some really weird dreams.

In the first dream, I had a really close friend that I knew in person and that was making plans to live near me. I don’t know if I knew Tom or not. Then she committed suicide and I was absolutely devastated.

Then I had a dream we were to move to Indiana of all places. The idea was to go to this really cheap place so we could save money to get what we really wanted in Florida. We arrived in October and it was already freezing.

“It’s cheaper to rent a house here than in Florida, isn’t it?” I asked Tom.

“Indeed it is,” he said.

“How long are we going to be here?” I asked him, knowing he was probably going to work for a while, and he said five or six years.

I was totally bummed out to hear this because I knew that things usually take longer than expected and that would be about ¼ of the rest of my life. I would never in a million years move to a climate like that just to hopefully get a better place here. I would just stay in this house forever.

TUESDAY, MAY 3, 2022 I hate to say it, but I see some good in Roe being overturned. Yes, it’s absolutely sick and disgusting that we’re reverting back to the dark ages and that so many people are so high on being control freaks that they feel it’s their right and their duty to make personal decisions for others. And yes, people are hypocrites in that so many women in this country get shit for getting knocked up in the first place, yet if she goes to have an abortion, she’s an automatic “murderer.”

But I do see the potential for good coming of this and that’s that it’s going to make women more independent when it comes to abortion, which would mean less shit from society in the end because unless the woman says something, no one should know she’s having the abortion in the first place. People who go for abortions at abortion clinics get hassled all the time.

People only go to get abortions because it’s convenient, and that’s just the way it’s been done for so many years that it becomes customary. But it’s totally not necessary. There are a million ways to lose a fetus. Women did so before abortion was even a thing. There are tons of different herbs, drugs, and reasons why they tell you not to do certain physical activities. Plus, there is the abortion pill. I know that’s eventually going to become illegal too, but look at pot. It was once illegal, but it didn’t stop it from going around, did it? Plus, there will still be doctors providing traditional abortions no matter what the laws say. They’re not afraid of being sued. I am surprised, however, that we haven’t heard more reports about them being busted. Perhaps they’re hard to catch because you can’t exactly go undercover to catch them. They have to know and prove you’re pregnant in the first place. You can’t just go in there and say, hey, I’m pregnant, give me an abortion and expect the doctor to do so on the spot. But the crazies of Texas are kidding themselves when they said they saved hundreds of lives. I’m sure you agree that very few women allowed themselves to be forced to carry.

As I said, hopefully this will give them an independence that can’t be fucked with so easily because I’m pretty sure they’re not going to get their rights back in our lifetime. I just don’t see it. People have gotten way too obsessed with getting it into their minds that abortion is murder as they did by insisting God sees gays as sinners, and it’s not just a Supreme Court. Oh no, it goes much further than that. The polls are showing more and more than most people in this country actually want abortion to be illegal unless it’s to save the woman’s life. As I said, it’s a politically correct trend. People get obsessed with something, they run with it, and on and on it goes for decades or more. They’ll run this right into the ground as they have racism and other topics people just can’t seem to take a break from.

When they move on to dismantling gay rights, hopefully they too will find ways around things even though that’s a lot trickier. I just dread the day the law fucks with us directly. Hopefully, it won’t be so bad and we won’t have to let it. I will always do what’s right before I consider what any law says.

Later…

As expected, the fucking mower woke me up and it is the new norm to use the louder one. That’s OK, we’ll just get use out of that Do Not Mow sign that’s sitting in the middle of the new grass, and every time they mow when I’m gonna be sleeping, we’ll put it between the two houses. When they come back next door, we’ll stop. But just like doctors accommodate my schedule, these people are going to accommodate me as well. After all, we’re the ones paying them.

I’ve gotten two downloads already of my books! If I remember correctly, though, this is only because they’re new. The longer they’ve been out there, the fewer downloads they’re going to get. At least I know they’re total strangers and no one I know that’s only buying it to show support because they know me. I still hope I don’t get any shitty reviews. Some people still get bad reviews, even if it’s from strangers.

Mia’s free apparel gift was actually nice last time around. A mint green spaghetti strap dress. I was surprised because I think that’s actually a gem item.

MONDAY, MAY 2, 2022 On the way to the rocky beach with the outrageously priced burger joint but won’t be eating there. It isn’t so much that the beach is rocky, but there’s a little gully with rocks in it that you have to cross to get to the shore. I just wish the roads didn’t sound like such a war zone!

Glad I have energy today, not just for the beach, but because I expect to be tired tomorrow if my worst suspicions are true and that the louder mower is going to be a regular thing. I should be sleeping until around lunchtime.

Last night I had three dreams of being in Italy. Yes, three. Don’t know what triggered them. Maybe because I’m reviewing Italian now.

Two of the Italy trips were with Tom. In one of them, I was at a dentist’s office waiting to see a male dentist. I was worried that the doctor would be late and we’d risk not getting to the airport in time. There was no reception desk. Just two closed doors. The receptionist would open one door from time to time and three people waited outside of it. Plus, a door leading to where the dentist was. The doctor poked his head out at one point and I quickly asked how long it would be because I didn’t want to miss our flight.

I went with my parents in one of the Italy dreams.

In another dream, there was this texting app that was just as popular as Facebook. My parents were alive and I hadn’t talked to them in a while. Then one day out of the blue, my mother texted me and I don’t know what she said, but I was actually happy to hear from her and Dad. I went to check out their profiles and follow them but kept getting other people’s profiles instead.

Learning what I have through experience and other people’s stories, as far as how the human mind works and what different behaviors typically represent, I’ve come to really see and understand, not that this realization is suddenly hitting me, that my mother never truly loved me. Just like domestic abuse is not love in any way, she couldn’t have really loved me like most parents love their kids. She said she did. She probably believed she did. She may even have had bursts of fondness at times for me. Yet in the grand scheme of things…the things she said to me, the things she did to me (I could write a huge long list)…were in no way, shape, or form what anyone would say or do to someone they truly loved. Just no fucking way. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse sprinkled with a bit of physical abuse, is not love. You don’t smack infants that don’t “shut up.” You don’t pick on, ridicule, and call your daughter names because she’s just a teeny bit heavy. You don’t give up on your daughter that you made suicidal and send her away so you can have the house to yourself and your enabling husband. You don’t let your daughter live in the slums while you live high off the hog.

Andy and I were talking about how we’ve learned more from Google than from doctors, and I was explaining how/why hormonal and chemical imbalances can really mess with your health and mind and even make you suicidal. He still doesn’t get how a guy with so much support and money like Robin Williams could kill themselves and I guess I wouldn’t either had I never suffered so intensely. At least he simply said he didn’t understand rather than calling people like Robin Williams losers and cop-outs. Everyone has a threshold, some higher than others, and can only take so much physical or emotional suffering.

A few days ago we had a thunderstorm. There was just one loud boom of thunder that probably would have woken me up had I been asleep at the time.

On the way back now, after one of the best beach days yet. Oh, to live by the beach! That’s just a dream but we had so much fun today. The water was gorgeous, it was less crowded, and you didn’t have to go through as much traffic. There were fewer planes, and the water, for some reason, was much clearer. The ocean floor is so much flatter than back up in Connecticut. I had to get quite a way out from shore just to get the water over my shoulders. That far from shore in Connecticut and we’d be way over our heads.

We spent most of the time in the water this time as opposed to sitting, but at one point I hurried out of the water because a crow and a couple of seagulls were on my chair and our beach bag. I didn’t want them shitting all over things and pulling things out of the bag.

I took a shower when we got back and then I made myself a tomato omelet. I definitely don’t like the goat cheese I put in it. It just tastes too weird.

We played a round of golf and I kicked his ass for a change and beat him by 4 strokes.

This week’s new recipes to try will be salmon with Brussels sprouts, eggplant fries, and almond chai porridge.

Got an assortment of decorative tape in different widths. I decorated the boring black magnetic frames with them. I never liked black for décor or appliances.

I still have back pain, but I think it might finally be getting better. My guess is I injured it reaching over the sink with my short arms to open the window.

Even though I didn’t make shit, I missed having books published, so I’m publishing some. Under a pen name, of course, and Tom is the only living soul that knows what that is.

After having 3 days of rain when it was originally said to be sunny, I still wonder if I really influenced it or not. Can I make myself influence other things too?

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alabasterpickles · 2 years ago

Note

I have a favor for Amelie.

She’s got this! ✨

#these probably won’t be a regular thing but they’re fun so I’ll try them #asks #fan OC #morgane0311 #Amelie Dupont

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redrose-arrow · 2 years ago

Text

ranger’s apprentice characters as customers i have served

[endearingly, pt. 2/2]

HALT I am terrified to serve. He looks aggressive and high-maintenance. I try to plan stuff in such a manner that I don’t have to serve him but my boss doesn’t fall for it and leaves it up to me regardless. Turns out, he is really nice, very patient and kind and tips well.

CROWLEY has “experience in serving” and decides to “help me” by stacking the plates etc. I take them, thank him, and turn around to try and stack them differently on my card so I can work more efficiently. He doesn’t notice. PAULINE does. I think she told Crowley off, because he doesn’t do it during the next course. Still, he’s extremely helpful (genuinely this time), because he tells everyone to hand me the stuff I can’t reach. It really does make everything easier for me.

Sometimes, PAULINE and SANDRA will come together, usually straight from work. Sandra was there during my first day already, like literally the first day, I hadn’t even been hired yet and my boss introduced me to her as “the new employee”. Big stress but she’s literally the sweetest. It’s very busy one night, so I decide not to prioritise them because at least they won’t yell at me. I apologise constantly for taking so long but they don’t mind, they’re really kind and I get them some extra drinks. Sandra once crocheted me a heart keychain. Pauline talks with me about European politics.

ARALD has trouble picking a topping for his icecream dessert. Finally, he picks one. I put the order in and charge him for the one topping. I ask my boss to give him the other topping as well. When I serve him his dessert, he looks like the happiest man in the world.

BERRIGAN and FARRELL come together occasionally. They don’t interact much with me - obviously this is just their standard night out with good food and good company. They gossip and have lots of fun without disturbing other guests.

PRITCHARD is also a regular. He’s old, though, not very mobile anymore and very forgetful. He knows me and remembers me but is constantly surprised I can “anticipate” his order (he orders the same thing each week). We have the exact same conversation each week, but it’s okay because he’s also always equally excited. When I serve him his second drink and go get his food, he raises his glass at me and tells me he’ll “toasts to [me]”. When I went out at the restaurant with own family, I went to say hi to him. He didn’t remember me. I haven’t seen him in a few weeks and just hope he’s okay.

DAVID and DUNCAN called to make a reservation for late at night and apparently asked my boss if I was working. She says yes, but it’s a quiet night and I’ve had a long day before work, so I’ll probably be gone by the time they come. So they decide to come earlier???? We talk for a few minutes. I remember their faces obviously but that’s about it. I honestly even forgot they knew my name. One of them says “Rosalie knows what we like, we don’t need to order it” and so I panic because I’m tired and a little forgetful sometimes and absolutely do not know what they like. The other laughs and still repeats the order thank goodness, my boss helps me remember the rest when I send the order to the kitchen. They make some bad server’s jokes but it’s in good faith so I don’t mind. They remember my whole ordeal with getting a driver’s licence and ask how that’s been going. I still leave early but not without going back in to tell them goodbye.

#redrose rants #ranger's apprentice #rangers apprentice #john flanagan #halt o'carrick #pauline dulacy #crowley meratyn #arald #sandra #duncan #david #farrell #berrigan #pritchard

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oddballwriter · 2 years ago

Text

MH Guys w/ a Partner who Babies Their Pet(s)

Warnings: Mentions of arachnids (spiders and one mention of a scorpion)

Author’s Snip: It doesn’t really matter what animal you have. They’re your baby regardless so you can apply whatever pert you have, whether it’s a cat, rodent, or snake.

I’ll shut up now. Enjoy!

꒦꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒦꒷꒦꒷꒷꒦

Jay

Jay gets it

He knows damn well that pets are some owners’s baby, so if you baby and spoil your pet then he won’t judge at all

He wants your pet to like him

He seems like a he likes any type of pet but he has a soft spot for cats, rodents, and reptiles

So if you have those then they have immediately won him over

He asks if he can handle/play with your pet because like... how doesn’t wanna try and hang out with their partner’s pet?

He honestly would baby it too

If you two live together and you bring the pet with you, which you obviously will cause it’s your baby, then you guys will just straight up treat it him its your first born child

Tim

He seems like he secretly babies any pet he would have

Like when no one is home with him, he just starts to baby them a bit

He is 100% a cat and or rodent person

If you have a pet rat or ferret or whatever, he will lose his mind

He will always put the rat in his pocket

Lets get one thing straight though, he babies them a little bit, only a little bit

But if you are spoiling the fell out of your pet, he’ll kinda be like “Okay then”

But like, idk maybe he just gets used to you pretty much spoiling your pet

Brian

Brian finds it funny that you treat your pet like it’s your baby and proceed to spoil it, but he can understand why you might do that

He just treats them like an animal and pet

He is a bit interested if you have a unique pet like a spider or a reptile

He’ll ask what it’s like having and taking care of one

But don’t worry, he’ll still love your pet regardless of what it is

I have a feeling that both Tim and Brian just have this aura and vibe that just... attracts animals towards them

He just seems like once your pet is used to him being in their space/handling them then they’d be completely chill

But yeah, he’s fine with you babying your pet but don’t expect him to really be doing that

Alex

He kind of makes fun of you and says that there’s not real reason to baby an animal, but you do you

Alex is more used to regular pets like cats, dogs, or a fish

If you have something less conventional like a rodent or bird he’s fine with it

But spiders/scorpions and snakes freak him out

He’ll still play and hang out with your pet

Before anyone says anything, I don’t think he’d hate dogs, he was just being stalked by a eldritch entity in the woods and that would put a lot of stress on a person so he probably snapped and that’s why he got made about Seth bringing his dog to the shoot

He can wait for your pet to get used to him

But he might cry a bit if your cat or dog lays down on his lap

#marble hornets #slenderverse #mh jay #mh tim #mh brian #mh alex #marble hornets x reader #slenderverse x reader #mh tim x reader #mh alex x reader #mh brian x reader #mh jay x reader

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inkmemes · 3 years ago

Text

young royals ( 2021 ) sentence starters ↪ taken from netflix’s swedish ya drama. non-contextual spoilers. trigger warning for mentions of sexual activity, drugs, alcohol, death, implied internalised homophobia, bullying. alter as you see fit ♡

“at least you can stay for a cup of coffee?”

“hey, wait up. did you sleep together?”

“he's probably making out with someone. forget it.”

“i can't take it anymore.”

“what are you doing?”

“and he had to finish your sentence. what's going on? you like him.”

“every time you see your dad, you get all depressed.”

“you're still here, so obviously you must want something.”

“are you high? what the hell are you on?”

“does this make you horny?”

“i like [town name], but i don't want to live here forever.”

“you can leave now. go home. i'm staying here for the weekend.”

“do you want chocolate?”

“how do you feel?”

“it's kind of hard to tell them apart, you know.”

“you're a worthless drunk.”

“you … you need to figure out what you want. and you can take all the time you need. and i respect that. but you have to do it by yourself. i don't want to be anyone's secret.”

“you have to stop pretending that you're not afraid.”

“that's the thing, i just don't want that.”

“it's something new. something fresh.”

“can we talk privately for a minute?”

“and if anyone gives you a hard time, you know, just let me know, and i'll take care of it.”

“you do know you don't need to hide?”

“are you gonna let us in?”

“promise to let me know if there's anything i can do.”

“hey, we won't go blind from your moonshine, right?”

“i'm just getting a good vibe. that's all.”

“you're so fucking pathetic.”

“you realize that this will have consequences?”

“he's such a fucking idiot.”

“i wanted us to have a few minutes alone.”

“when you're young, love feels like the most important thing in the world.”

“i really like you.”

“felt like i had to rescue you from that situation.”

“it got so damn hot in there, i thought i'd get some fresh air.”

“you are allowed your own opinions. it's cool.”

“i've seen the way you look at each other.”

“here, this one is a little big for me, but i think it'll look great on you.”

“do you think royal dick is different than regular?”

“you're the only one here i feel i can actually talk to.”

“i haven't heard anything yet, but i'll tell you as soon as i do.”

“you can't just lie here jerking off.”

“i don't want to go to some fucking boarding school!”

“i've missed this place so much.”

“are you going to horror movie night on friday?”

“but i like you. and that is not fake.”

“you don't need to share everything.”

“we should go to a concert again sometime.”

“you're fucking crazy!”

“where have you been? i've been trying to reach you.”

“just don't use the school's wi-fi for porn surfing. could be embarrassing.”

“but no matter what, they can't dictate what you say.”

“sorry about last night.”

“i don't want to talk to you!”

“i don't wanna sound like an idiot.”

“i was thinking, would you like to have a sleepover at my place? because that's something friends do. it's going to be really cozy.”

“i think maybe we should forget about that.”

“you can't really see that it is you.”

“i mean, it could be anyone. it's so fucking stupid.”

“i don't want to say anything.”

“now you're doing it again. you're trying to take care of me.”

“i can take it, it's okay.”

“that's not true. i haven't spoken to my parents.”

“we haven't done anything wrong.”

“you're beautiful! you're so beautiful.”

“i'm gay, [name].”

“seriously? what the fuck is your problem?”

“you keep letting people piss on you!”

“i just assumed you didn't want special treatment.”

“keep your friends close and your enemies closer.”

“so you thought you'd start spreading false rumours without having any proof?”

“i just didn't want to lose you.”

“uh, there's pizza left if you want some.”

“everybody thinks you're perfect. you know that, right?”

“he's just been outed.”

“i'm going to fuck this up.”

“he bloody ruined my fucking life!”

“why are you sitting in your room sulking when you have a crush to hang out with?”

“hi. sorry, i was feeling a bit better. so i thought it was okay that i hung out with some friends.”

"everyone should be allowed to live as gay or straight or whatever they want.”

“i woke up in my own bed. that's always something.”

“could i just have one second? just one second alone, please?”

“i’m sorry. but it was, like, the only way.”

“i thought, everyone deserves a second chance.”

“i'm sorry about the mess. i wasn't expecting such distinguished company.”

“i just don't want you to be treated badly again.”

“oh, fuck.”

“you don't even… aren't you even gonna answer me?”

“i didn't know that one was supposed to sign up.”

“in real life, you don't pay to get ahead.”

“and what the fuck does your dad do?”

“let's try to have some table manners.”

“it's, like, really serious.”

“who the hell can live like this for three fucking years?”

“that's what happens when you buy the cheap ones.”

“i need your help with something. ”

“being a prince is not a punishment, but a privilege.”

“it's awesome to just chill out.”

“or maybe he lied about that too. what do i know?”

“you have to give people a chance.”

“you have to try to see it from my perspective.”

“what the hell's this?”

“what happened to "we should forget about it"?”

“stop being so fucking stubborn and try to understand my situation.”

“sometimes it's better not to say everything.”

“i was just bored.”

“have you ever had a boyfriend?”

“sometimes it's better to keep quiet.”

“can i get you some coffee?”

“nobody else cares about these things.”

“i lost track of time.”

“everybody does the same things and everybody knows everybody.”

“thanks for rescuing me yesterday.”

“remember when he came up to us the first week and was like, "what's up?"”

“i need you to delete all our texts.”

“i can't keep doing this anymore.”

“are you gonna let them go on with their bullshit?”

“i want to be with you.”

“here's a blanket, a pillow, and bed sheets. there you go.”

“okay, yeah. you don't seem to have grasped what i'm trying to say.”

“it's usually boring as hell.”

“he's been dealing to us for months.”

“i don't want to talk to him.”

“don't you wanna date [name] anymore?”

“i don't know why he's started texting me again. he knows i don't want anything to do with him.”

“yeah, we had a shitload of drugs.”

“we could murder someone, and nobody would say a word.”

“she needs some fun.”

“he's just doing it to fuck with me.”

“it's such a weird question.”

“i just wanted to say hi. i don't believe we've met. ”

“but i still want us to be friends.”

“if i were to stay here… would you… like to keep me company? just you and me.”

“everything's, like, upside down now.”

“have you always lived here?”

“damn it. sorry. shit. i completely forgot.”

“i'm sure someone has a story to tell.”

“you've got to put yourself first. i mean, no matter what he thinks about it.”

“come on! you can't just sit there stuck in your room.”

“you can snuggle up in my safe arms if it gets scary.”

“i want to live a normal life.”

“let me have a look. you can hardly see it.”

“any other dick that's been sucked?”

“you just expect everything to be on your terms.”

“i want to know everything!”

“you don't have to go there. i'll take care of myself.”

“has anyone ever told you how pretty you are?”

“i'll just stay in and go to bed early.”

“thanks for explaining the schedule.”

“i'd rather die.”

“i don't want you to be mad.”

“promise to tell me if something is wrong.”

“i can't be dressed like this if you're dressed like that.”

“it's really complicated.”

“it feels like you don't care what people think about you, or if you have a lot of friends and stuff.”

“nobody asked you to come. feel free to leave if you want.”

“well, nobody has ever, ever asked for this!”

“there isn't so much to do around here.”

“you've become such a snob.”

“i know you're only trying to help me.”

“do you like it here?”

“i don't wanna go in there. we're not even invited. fuck this.”

“don't you think it's weird [name] invited us to come?”

“if they hadn't been here, would you've, uh, made out with me?”

“so, you're an actual proper couple now?”

“you're thinking about someone else.”

“you're right. we're doing this together.”

“thanks… for nothing.”

“why are you even so obsessed with him?”

“i want you to hold me.”

“call me when you want to be picked up.”

“what the fuck do you care?”

“i don't think we're a couple or anything. i don't know what it is.”

“you never asked me!”

“your focus should be on comforting me so that i can comfort him.”

“it's not that hard. you have to be able to keep up appearances.”

“famous people make videos like that.”

“maybe somebody forgot to tell me, as usual.”

“just make a move on [name] and show him what you want.”

“you wanna stay a while and jam?”

“have you talked to your parents about it?”

“a diverse bunch of losers, who'll never amount to anything.”

“why can't i decide how the hell i want to live?”

“apparently, i'm the only one who doesn't know everybody.”

“i used to have straight a's on every test.”

“it will damage our reputation.”

“i'm fucking starving.”

“why is it called tax "evasion" but welfare "scam"? it's all right that rich people cheat, but when poor people do it, it's messed up. for rich people, it's not even called "welfare”, it's called "deduction."”

“what the fuck is rowing?”

“what the hell have you done, [name]?”

“good voice, man.”

“why can't i just have a relationship with him?”

“did you have fun last friday?”

“all the people are fake. they're made out of metal.”

what do you want me to say? i'm sorry!”

“is this some kind of prank?”

“i like you when you are yourself!”

“but you like him, don't you?”

“she shouldn't talk to you like that.”

“are you into him?”

“something's not right, i think we should head back to the road.”

“do you have trouble sleeping?”

“doesn't anyone care what i want?”

“just don't tell anyone that i've been here.”

“i was going to text you back, but…”

“your only mistake was that you hung out with the wrong kind of people.”

“i just wanted to help.”

“i know you'll use anything to get high or drunk.”

“it's time to stop being so selfish.”

“i just want my fucking money.”

“you should've planned ahead. didn't you bring a sandwich?”

“who the fuck wants to be normal anyway?”

“you fucking told me you were the one i could always come to!”

“i take it back.”

“i can see there's something going on.”

“i have to finish getting ready, so if you could please leave.”

“no one likes me when i'm myself.”

“i hope you have a nice christmas.”

“i'm gonna do the wrong things, say the wrong things.”

“my mom is gonna kill me.”

“do you remember what you said to me last night?”

“i cannot be dragged into this.”

“i like you too.”

“you're no longer a part of my family.”

“it's well-suited for smaller people.”

“i assume that he thought that it would make him popular.”

“i didn't ask for this!”

“it's no problem. i like doing it.”

“it feels like i'm gonna throw up.”

“don't i get any breakfast?”

“whatever i do, i can't do anything right.”

“we haven't been to any party whatsoever.”

“did you get my texts?”

“i think it sounds romantic.”

“uh, wait, you have to come to the horror movie night on friday.”

“i liked what you said in there, [name].”

“okay, maybe he used to be a player, but love can actually change you.”

“it's nice to make an effort and dress up for dinner.”

“i'm in a fucked-up situation and i'm trying to talk to you.”

“you don't understand. i was gonna pay it.”

“you're not that kind of guy.”

“i was about to go outside and, um, do you wanna come with?”

“what about me?”

“it was… okay, i guess.”

“can i sit with you?”

“you call this a scary movie?”

“i have a million things to take care of, i don't have time to talk to you.”

“have you lost it completely?”

“but i'm starving.”

“this past year has been difficult for me.”

“i don't get it. she's making it into such a big deal.”

“no, this won't work. just take it off, please.”

“i'm not like that.”

“fuck you. it's not a crush.”

“then i know that i can't count on you.”

“can't you come see me in [town] sometime?”

“it's just that we can't be seen together.”

“he was still sleeping when i walked in.”

“doesn't bother me at all. i've seen it. absolutely. 100%.”

“[name] is really getting on my nerves! seriously.”

“i want us to be friends again.”

“i thought you and [name] were friends.”

“make sure you check your dms. okay?”

“you think it's fun to fuck with people like me?”

“never spend money you don't have. okay?”

“you think i'm stupid?”

“this sucks.”

“how nice to see some smiles.”

“this isn't just about me, but my entire family.”

“i'm going to marry her.”

“are you threatening me?”

“don't you realize the shit storm that follows if i come out?”

“i don't want you to talking to her.”

“remember what we saw during movie night? when they sat next to each other?”

“i love you.”

“i just want to hang out with you.”

"there's no point in having a back-up if you never use it."

“pretend i'm saying something clever.”

“how's [name]? he must be totally devastated.”

“what do you think they think we're talking about?”

“everything is fake. everything in the world is fake.”

“[name] is dead.”

“it just wasn't what i thought it would be like.”

“since when did you start liking him for real?”

“what a fucking douchebag. god!”

“what the hell are you saying? chill out!”

#rp meme #rp prompt #rp starters #rp sentence meme #rp sentence starters #it's long but i like my memes chunky <3 #lemme know if u'd prefer i do things in parts tho !#also everyone watch this show immediately :knife:

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cinnamon-sticks-and-coffee-cups · 2 years ago

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salut tout le monde !! it’s been too long I know T-T sadly I’ve been a little demotivated recently, but luckily that’s what led to todays post! since I’ve been feeling worn out lately but still want to keep up with my studies, I’ve decided to share my top lazy language student tips~ please enjoy <3

•

⁎⁺˳✧༚ kahoots

i love these because they’re fun, quick and a stupid, lighthearted way to at least keep me interacting with french daily. the music is silly and makes me happy, and there’s a bunch of different topics and areas you can quiz yourself on. you can do some kahoots with specific themed vocab or find a general knowledge quiz or something that’s written in your target language. kahoots remind me of messing around with my friends and it honestly just makes me smile haha

⁎⁺˳✧༚ fanfic

i read a lot of fanfic anyways as a result of being chronically online, so why not do that in french? i have actually found some of my favourite authors through reading french fanfics. i like them because it’s a reminder of just how much is opened up to you when you learn a second language which can be really motivating, and they also ensure i get my regular hurt/comfort fix. it exposes me to colloquial language and different dialects, and is also a good way to keep me actually interested in learning when i feel like crap.

⁎⁺˳✧༚ word of the day

sometimes i’m super super busy or completely to forget to study, but still don’t want to have a ‘no zero’ day when it comes to pursuing my language goals. so, i will literally only learn one new word. i’ll find an interesting word related to what i did that day or one of my passions, try and pair it with my current vocab and use it in a sentence and then add it to my word of the day flashcards deck. it sounds simple, but i’m still engaging with the language at least a little bit.

⁎⁺˳✧༚ youtube

this is a very general topic, so allow me to expand. i use youtube once at least everyday - be that for a workout, a tutorial, leisure, study or work. but it’s so easy to make this contribute to my goals by just trying to find a similar video in french! looking for a setting in your phone? find a tutorial vid in your target lang. doing some morning stretches? 15 min video in your target lang probably has you covered. it’s quick and simple and doesn’t feel like as much effort as hauling all my study supplies out and pouring over a textbook for two hours.

⁎⁺˳✧༚ digital diary

if i haven’t done anything to study french in the day, a typical solution of mine is to write a diary entry in french. because i use a digital diary, i like to decorate it with memes i found funny/sweet, annotated photos from my day, screenshots of messages with my friends and songs i’ve been enjoying. i can do all of this in french just as easily as i can do it in english, which means i can tick off two things on my to-do list in one sitting and have fun at the same time!

•

alright!! that’s it for today, hopefully it won’t be so long before my next post - i really need to start planning ahead more haha! have a wonderful day/night my loves, and i’ll chat with you all soon. au revoir~!

#cinnamon’s french posts #français #french #frenchblr #langblr #french vocab #language learning #vocabulaire français #polygot #study tips

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phoenixyfriend · 4 years ago

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Anakin and the Jedi Babies: Names and Faces

Context: Anakin and the Jedi Babies, chrono

Word Count: 6,477

---------------

It goes like this:

Nobody wants to separate Anakin from the children in his care until they know more about why he’s here. The gamble paid off, to some degree, and he thanks the Force that it did.

He hasn’t felt that cold in years.

He knows the logic of why the Mandalorians he’s fallen in with aren’t doing anything yet. He’s an obvious Jedi, and they don’t know why he’s here or what he’s doing. Hedging on the Mando’a and the cultural obligation to childcare hadn’t been anything close to sure, but it was... enough. He got lucky that these Mandalorians leaned on those obligations, at least to the point of keeping them all in the same room. He can sense that much, even before he opens his eyes, and he has to be grateful.

The looming hypothermia had probably nudged things in his favor.

Anakin opens his eyes to a guest room of a cell, something well-furnished and cozy, but definitely not meant to be something he can escape from. His saber is gone, and there are Force-nullifying cuffs on his wrists, and he’s pretty sure they’ve taken his--yep, vibroblade’s gone.

Fuck.

His body doesn’t want to move, and he’s still shivering a bit, but he’s mostly back to normal. When he sits up, he notices that there is, in fact, only one Force-nullifying cuff. They detached his arm.

He closes his eyes and breathes deep and tells himself it was probably medically necessary. Large pieces of metal aren’t great for maintaining homeostasis. He’ll get it back.

Probably.

“Ah!”

The voice makes him jolt, and his eyes fly open.

Two cribs, one much bigger than the other. Both are occupied. The larger one has bars, and through it...

“Snips,” he breathes, lurching to his feet and then crashing to his knees, about as graceful as a newborn eopie.

“Bah!”

“Just--just one second,” Anakin grits out, grimacing as he tries to pull himself to standing again. The fact that he’s down an arm doesn’t impact him much, but the shakiness of his legs is... a problem.

“Owwww,” Ahsoka coos with an exaggerated grimace, reacting to his pain with the innocent sympathy of a toddler. She looks, what, two? Maybe? He’s not sure if there’s anything particular about how Togruta babies age. She’s too young for words, clearly.

“I’m fine,” Anakin assures her, even as his heart sinks. She’s Ahsoka, clearly, he knows her in the Force and it can’t be anyone else, but her memories...

She recognizes him, but that’s not saying much.

He manages to get over to the chair next to the crib, but doesn’t trust himself to take her out right now. The snow and the mess of a fight before that haven’t been kind to him. Instead, he just sticks his hand through the bars and lets her grab at his fingers.

He can’t help but smile, really. She’s adorable, and she’s so damn happy to see him.

“Skyguy!”

“Oh, so you are talking,” Anakin says, part of him relaxing just a tad. “I was worried.”

“Mine,” she stresses, patting at his wrist.

“Yeah, your Skyguy,” he says. So she remembers... some things, at least. “And you’re my Snips.”

She squeals and yanks on his hand, just enough that the Force-suppressing cuff clanks against the bars of the crib. “Sky, Sky, Sky!”

Oh, she’s precious.

“You having fun?” he asks, filling the air with words faster than his head can fill with doubts. “Has everyone been nice?”

“Mmmmm,” she grumbles, falling to her butt with a huff. “Doc!”

“Oh, a doctor?” he asks, wondering at his own tone. He never expected to be one for baby-talk. “Was the doctor mean?”

“Cold!” she tells him. “Cold here!”

She taps at her chest, right where someone might check her heartbeat or breathing; the metal would be cold, and also necessary. He doesn’t fault anyone for it. Considering how poorly Anakin had fared, he’s just happy they’re all alive and mostly fine.

He doesn’t know what year it is. He knows he’s not in the year he should be. He’s vaguely aware of the name Jaster--one of the Mandos had said it while bringing him in--but he doesn’t know when Mereel’s reign ended and Fett’s began. He does know both are supposed to be dead.

Has Anakin been born yet? Has Ahsoka? Hell, has Obi-Wan?

Can he give out any real names?

A series of small, upset noises start coming up from the other, smaller crib.

He stands, but Ahsoka clings to his hand and refuses to let go. He can’t pry her off, not without his other arm, but he pulls away with quiet reassurances that he just has to check on... on...

Her brother, he says, aware that there’s more than a slight chance someone has the room bugged. He’s a Jedi in Mando custody. They aren’t stupid, and neither is he.

Obi-Wan’s the most likely to have already been born. Having the same name and face will draw attention, will cause questions, but... he can’t just rename his master like a recently-adopted pet. That’s just... wrong.

Anakin’s less shaky than when he first woke up, but he still has no way of safely picking up the kids. He reaches into the small crib, something twisting behind his sternum, and tickles under Obi-Wan’s chin.

The baby--the infant--looks up at him with wide eyes, too blue for the Obi-Wan he knows, but full of wonder and--

Love, the Force whispers through the cracks in the effects of the cuff.

“Love you too,” Anakin whispers, though he wonders if Obi-Wan would really feel like this as an adult again. Babies love easily, he thinks, and he’s the only adult that Obi-Wan knows right now. Maybe it’s just chemicals.

He stands there for longer than is probably a good idea, with the state of his body, but he can’t help it. Obi-Wan keeps grabbing at his finger and kicking with tiny legs, and sticking a tiny, tiny fist in his mouth as he tries watches Anakin.

It’s all Anakin can do to mutter a stream of meaningless nonsense as he struggles not to cry. He’s always had too many emotions, and right now he’s the only person these two can rely on. He’s the adult.

The door whooshes open.

“The medic said you were awake.”

He knows that voice. He closes his eyes and doesn’t turn, because there are a million feelings in his chest and he’s not sure which one is going to come out first.

“Sky?” Ahsoka questions, likely feeling his worry. “Issokay! Good!”

No, she wouldn’t have the mind to recognize why this familiar face she knows as friend is quite the opposite.

Anakin turns away from the crib, and smiles. “Mando.”

“Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker,” the teenager in the door says. He’s not wearing his bucket, but the rest of his armor is in place. Anakin would peg him as younger than Ahsoka was, before. Not by much, but... fourteen, maybe fifteen. The face is painfully familiar, and stays utterly neutral as he answers the question Anakin didn’t ask. “We found your Ident card after you passed out.”

Cool, so, Anakin definitely can’t change his name.

“Are they yours?” the teenager that will one day create an army says.

“They have no one else,” Anakin tells him. It’s true enough. Still, he gets the feeling that’s not what Fett’s asking. “They’re family.”

Jango squints at him. “I was told Jedi can’t have families.”

Anakin’s mind flashes to Padme and the fantasies he’d long harbored of children born free, and tears himself away. He can’t think about that right now. He can’t think of who he’s--

“Jetii!”

Anakin’s head snaps up, and he realizes he’s shaking. Fett’s not neutral anymore, just... concerned.

“I’m fine,” Anakin spits out, and leans on the crib behind him. He can hear the little ones whimpering. He has to pull his thoughts in and bundle them up into something that won’t hurt the incredibly Force-Sensitive babies behind him. “I’m--I’m all they have. They’re all I have. Are the exact words important?”

Fett doesn’t grimace, exactly, but his expression isn’t pleasant. “I guess.”

Anakin waits to see if there’s anything else coming, but no. Just an awkward silence. He holds onto his frustration, but it still gets the better of him.

“What are my chances of getting my arm back?” he asks.

“Hm?”

Anakin waves what’s left of that arm, the tied-off sleeve flapping about. “My arm. If you don’t want to give me mine back, can I at least have some kind of placeholder? I can’t pick up the babies without worrying that I’m going to drop them.”

“I can ask the medics,” Fett says. He stares at Anakin for a little more, and then asks, “Aren’t you going to ask about our plans for you, or...?”

“If you wanted to kill me, you already would have,” Anakin mutters. “Right now, these two are my only priority. I’m more likely to keep them safe and alive here than I am if I try to break out. I can be patient. I would also assume they wouldn’t have been left in a room with me, alone, if any of us were in danger of medical complications.”

Fett flushes and turns. “I’ll tell buir you’re up and active. There’s a nurse droid in the hall, I can have it handle feedings until you get an arm.”

“Thanks,” Anakin drawls, aware that he’s a little bitchy right now, but not in any mood to temper himself.

He settles himself on the floor next to Ahsoka’s crib, lets her play with his hair while the nurse droid feeds Obi-Wan, and then feeds Ahsoka herself. Anakin thinks he could probably pull the droid apart for an escape attempt if it came down to it. He hopes it won’t be necessary. He’s barely existing in the moment as it is. The droid asks Anakin if he needs anything, and he... shrugs.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Perhaps some non-perishables,” the nurse droids suggests. “Ration bars, for if you are hungry before one of the Mando’ade returns.”

Anakin shrugs again. “Alright.”

He ignores the droid after that. He’s only mostly cut off from the Force by the single cuff. He can’t blanket his Master and Padawan in his own Force presence, try to make them feel safe and calm with the fact that he’s here and ready to protect them, but he can monitor them. He can meditate, even if it’s not the way he prefers to do it. He doesn’t have the strength for moving meditation right now, but a regular meditation... he can do that.

He needs to do that, because no other stress relief option is available to him right now.

Anakin lets himself feel the babies fall asleep, the two of them radiating contentment and warmth. He lets himself trust that, for the moment, he doesn’t need to worry. He lets himself sink into an absence of thought, and then the Force guides him deeper still.

“Anakin!”

His eyes fly open.

This is not the real world.

This is not the room-cell in the Haat Mando’ade base he’s managed to stumble across.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan says again, a smile hidden in a beard and worn laugh lines about his eyes. The right age, the right size, reaching for him and--

There’s only a moment’s hesitation for Anakin to process, and then he sprints forward and yanks his Master into a hug.

“You’re good,” Obi-Wan mutters to him, rubbing his back as they both sink to their knees. There’s a click of bootheels against the empty white not-space that they’re in, and Ahsoka buries herself into their sides. Anakin pulls her in a little closer too.

They stay that for longer than is maybe necessary, but Anakin’s stress levels are sky high right now, and he needs this. A hug, even one that’s technically only taking place in his head, is important.

“Sorry, Skyguy,” Ahsoka whispers. “Thinking in the real world is... really hard right now.”

He pulls away from the desperate hug he’d started them off with, rearranges things so he’s leaning against Obi-Wan, lets Ahsoka lie down with her head in his lap, on her back and legs stretched out across the white nothingness.

“I don’t know what happened,” Anakin says. “I mean, Sith stuff, probably, but... we’re in the wrong year.”

“I’d wondered,” Obi-Wan admits. “I thought it odd that I couldn’t feel the clones, but I only have so much energy to think right now...”

“Please tell me there’s a way to fix it,” Anakin begs. “I can’t be the adult, Obi-Wan. I haven’t even been born yet, that’s how far back we are. I don’t know what to do, and I can’t just bang around making bad decisions without you there to pull me back and--”

“Breathe,” Obi-Wan tells him.

“We’re in the Force,” Anakin says, just a little hysterically. “We don’t need to breathe!”

“Actually, I think we’re in your head,” Ahsoka says. She’s pointing and stretching her feet like a dancer, but looks up to grin at Anakin like the little shit she is. “You’re the only one whose brain is big enough right now.”

“Hey,” Anakin complains, putting his entire palm over her face as revenge. She giggles and swats him away. “That any way to talk to the guy who taught you how to kill five guys in one move?”

She sticks her tongue out at him. He rolls his eyes and runs a hand over her montrals, smiling when she wriggles and makes a little chirruping noise.

“She’s not wrong,” Obi-Wan says. “Though the phrasing was unfortunate, it does stand to reason that as the only person without the brain of a toddler, you’re hosting. Our minds can’t handle the strain of our own selves, let alone sharing space.”

“Infant.”

“Hm?”

“Ahsoka’s a toddler. You’re an infant. Maybe six months.” Anakin grins, just this side of brittle. He doesn’t want to joke about a problem he can’t fix, but what else is there? “You’re the literal baby of the lineage now.”

Obi-Wan sighs over the riot of Ahsoka’s laugh. “Of course I am.”

“It’s okay, Master,” Ahsoka assures him. “Skyguy’s gonna take care of us until we can fight again.”

“Yes,” Obi-Wan says, grimacing slightly. “I am sorry for you being put in such a position, Anakin. It’s certainly not an easy one.”

Anakin wishes he could say that his immediate reaction isn’t a sense of hurt, a you don’t trust me, a you don’t think I can do this, a you’re disappointed someone else wasn’t here to handle things instead.

He wishes he could make that claim and have anyone believe him, but they are in a shared meditation, and in this moment there are very, very few secrets. He does not make the effort to hide his reaction in time, and Obi-Wan catches it.

Anakin turns away as Obi-Wan’s face fills with surprise and horror. “Anakin--”

“Can we just pretend you didn’t feel that?” Anakin asks, and flinches when Ahsoka pops up from where she lies and scurries around to hug him like a vise. “Can we just pretend I’m not--”

“Dear one, there are very few people I would trust as much as you in this,” Obi-Wan says. “Those who match up are largely the people who helped me raise me when I was actually this age.”

“Being completely reliant on your padawan isn’t--”

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan says, cutting him off there. “I can trust you to care for me in ways that don’t just come down to making me a useful general again. I already trust you to risk your life and safety and freedom to see us survive, given what little I remember of that storm.”

“You handed yourself over to Mandalorians you knew nothing about so we’d be safe,” Ahsoka mutters into the fabric somewhere over his ribs. “That could have gone really badly, and you still did it because you were worried about us.”

“We trust you, Anakin,” Obi-Wan says, pulling Anakin to his chest and resting his chin on Anakin’s head. “We know you.”

“You don’t even know what happened in the storm,” Anakin mutters. “You were asleep.”

“I caught enough listening to the doctors,” Obi-Wan says. He runs a hand over Anakin’s head and through his hair. “You did well, Anakin.”

Anakin wonders why they don’t do this in real life. Obi-Wan doesn’t usually hug him, let alone cuddle. Maybe it’s because they’re all stuck in too much truth in this shared meditation, and the other two are currently stuck in child bodies that crave physical affection in ways they don’t realize they’re expressing in here as well. Maybe it’s the stress.

“What even can you hear?” Anakin mutters, still in Obi-Wan’s arms. Ahsoka giggles at him, nuzzling into his side in a way he doesn’t think she’d ever let herself, normally.

“We can’t really think in the real world right now,” she muses. “Only when we’re sleeping, and probably when we’re meditating once we’re bigger. If I try to think too hard, my head hurts worse than that time Ventress got me in the head with the back of her saber.”

“Everything takes up more space than it should,” Obi-Wan adds. “It’s... all of my senses are bigger and brighter and take up more of my attention, but they aren’t very clear, really. They’re just more. I can’t focus on anything, either, except... well, the feedings.”

Ahsoka makes an annoyed noise. “The whole diapers and bottles thing is really embarrassing, by the way. Only here, though, I barely notice when I’m awake because...”

“Because you’re a toddler,” Anakin says drily.

She huffs. “How would you feel if you were stuck like that?”

That’s fair.

“I don’t remember much,” Obi-Wan says carefully. “But part of me recognizes familiar things, even if I can’t quite make the connection.”

“Was that Fett, earlier?” Ahsoka asks. “Because I thought I saw a friend, and I pretty much forgot the face as soon as they left, but--”

“It’s Fett,” Anakin confirms. “But I guess that’s good to know? You saw his face and your baby brain just assumed it was one of the clones?”

“Pretty much.”

“And we know we trust you,” Obi-Wan adds, and tightens the hug when Anakin stiffens. “Anakin, I can barely understand the world around me at all right now. It’s like being on the painkillers that don’t knock you out but leave you saying only the most ridiculous things that come to mind. You have a general understanding of what’s going on, but all your emotions are too much and the room spins, you can’t stay on one track mentally, you can’t remember what you’ve done and what you haven’t--”

“You can’t control your bladder,” Ahsoka mutters, just a touch spitefully.

Obi-Wan grimaces and nods. “An unfortunate commonality in the experiences, yes. What I was aiming to address, however, is the fact that I only remember a very few things with any reliability. Most of my adult mind, so to speak, appears to be stored in a stasis form in the Force itself, because the infant mind can only handle the barest edges of who I am. But what that infant mind knows, and what I remember thinking once I have some sense of my full self in sleep, is that there is no one I react to as positively as you, Anakin.”

“What he’s trying to say,” Ahsoka interrupts, “but can’t because he’s trying to be a serene Jedi Councilor who definitely doesn’t break the code, nosiree, is that we don’t remember much about ourselves when we’re awake, but we remember you, and we know that we love you, Skyguy.”

Anakin stares at her, and then twists around to look at Obi-Wan instead.

“Master Kenobi,” Ahsoka croons. “Stop being emotionally constipated. We’re literal babies right not, which sucks, but we’re like 90% emotion. Tell Skyguy.”

“Yes, er, Ahsoka was not incorrect,” Obi-Wan says, stroking his beard and refusing to meet Anakin’s eyes. “I, that is to say, we...”

“Master Kenobi,” Ahsoka says, a touch sharper than she might have dared if not for the reversal of their ages.

“I do love you, Anakin, and it’s one of the only things my child mind knows consistently.”

The Force does, in fact, sing with the truth of this. It circles them like a delighted tornado of emotional reality, pulsing like a coat of positivity.

Anakin buries his face in Obi-Wan’s shoulder and hugs him as tightly as possible.

“Oh! Oh dear, I--Anakin, really, this isn’t news.”

“Master Kenobi, you’re allergic to actually talking about your emotions. Let him hug you.”

“Anakin, I’ve raised you since you were nine, it would be nearly impossible for me to not care, why are you--”

“Master Kenobi, stop questioning him!” Ahsoka whines. “It’s affirmation time.”

“Ahsoka, have you been spending time with the mind healers again?”

“I was a teenager in a warzone and also Barriss bullied me into it for my own good.” Ahsoka shrugs. “I learned some stuff. You two should have gone, too. You were more karked up than I was.”

“Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan scolds.

“What are you going to do, spit up on me? You can’t exactly make me run laps, Master.”

“Both of you shut up,” Anakin mumbles, and tries to push as much of his own affection as possible into a little ball of feelings that he can just drop on the two of them while he’s still in his own brain and not somewhere he can’t touch the Force. “Just--just shut.”

Apparently, Anakin’s feelings are a lot, because Ahsoka bursts into tears and Obi-Wan zones out so hard Anakin starts worrying about him.

They’re in a mindscape, a thing that he didn’t really think happened, but does. He shouldn’t have to worry about his--

“Oh, Anakin,” Obi-Wan says, pulling him in tighter. “Why did you...”

“Skyguy, I don’t think you planned on putting in the part where you worry about nobody loving you back as much as you loved them,” Ahsoka says, raw and uneven. “Because, uh, we got that? Skyguy, that’s really wrong!”

Oh shit.

“No, you were... you were not supposed to get that,” he says, just a little strangled. “I am so sorry, that wasn’t--”

“Be our dad.”

Anakin stares down at his Padawan. She stares determinedly back.

“What?”

“Fett asked if we were yours, and you edged around the question by saying we were family, but he was asking if you were our dad. I’m guessing you didn’t want to claim that when we couldn’t agree to it, so I’m telling you now: do it. Adopt us the Mandalorian way or whatever. You were already my older brother, basically, this is just a step sideways in how we talk about it.”

He stares at her a bit more. He doesn’t have words, and his emotions are such a cyclone of conflicting thoughts that he’s surprised the Force hasn’t tossed him out.

“I don’t know if I’m going to be born, but if I am, then I need a name so I don’t have the same one as future me,” she says. She takes his hands, holds them tight and leans in close. “You’re going to be raising us anyway. The Force already made it clear there’s no fixing this, we tried asking while you were unconscious, it wants us to grow up the long way. You’re going to be our dad. Just make it official. Make me a Skywalker.”

Anakin sits up straight, looks her up and down, the determination and affection and--

He turns to look at Obi-Wan. “Master?”

“...yes, Anakin?”

“I know she said ‘we’ and ‘us,’ but I’m not letting anyone speak for anyone else. Not for something this important.”

Obi-Wan blinks at him, and then rearranges himself to something a tad more formal. He takes one of Anakin’s hands in his own. “Anakin, we’ve been family since you were nine. This is just redefining the terms. We can adjust as we go forward, but for all intents and purposes, the majority of the time, I will be that youngling in the cot. For all intents and purposes, I will be your child, and... and I would be honored for you to make that official.”

“Even if it breaks the Code?” Anakin presses.

“All is as the Force wills it,” Obi-Wan says, almost but not quite overriding Ahsoka’s, “This doesn’t break the Code.”

They both turn to look at her. She shrugs. “What? You guys are always arguing about it and Skyguy was married. I went and did some digging about what is and isn’t allowed. This adoption would be skirting the edges of some rules, since we should be taken to the creche to be raised in a communal manner, and official adoptions are discouraged for reasons relating to later padawan stuff, but since the Force is also insisting we stay with the Mandalorians, I think it qualifies as an exception and will be treated as such, retroactively, by the Council. You also won’t be able to take either of us as Padawan once that time comes. It does not, however, violate the Code in and of itself.”

“What the hell, Snips?”

“I’m impressed, young one,” Obi-Wan says, with a smile Anakin can feel. “I could have expected to see you in court in a few years, with an argument like that.”

“You knew I was married?” Anakin squeaks.

“Rex isn’t a very good liar,” she says. She then droops. “Or, he wasn’t. Wouldn’t be. He tried, at least, but I caught on. That was against the Code, though. Just so you know.”

Anakin runs a hand over his face, tries very hard not to think about what and whom he’s left behind. He can save that breakdown for later.

He chances a look at Obi-Wan.

He gets a raised eyebrow in response.

“You’re not mad?”

“I knew you and the Senator were close, considering all the kissing you did in the Arena,” Obi-Wan says drily. Anakin isn’t stupid enough to ask how he knows it’s Padme. “I didn’t know you were married, and am a little disappointed you didn’t at least tell me, or consult me before you did it, considering you were still a padawan... but no, I’m not mad. Even if I were--and I am not--we’ve time-traveled, so I’m fairly certain that qualifies as annulment. It’s a non-issue.”

Anakin pushes down the tidal wave of grief for people who haven’t been born yet, and just breathes instead. This is important. This is too important for him to just kriff it up.

“Names,” he says.

“I still want part of it to be ‘Soka,’ if you don’t think it’s too risky.”

Obi-Wan shrugs with a smile. “Almost every time I’ve posed as a Mandalorian, since my first mission with Satine, I’ve gone by Ben. It would be fitting that, now that we’re here and apparently staying, I take the name for real.”

Anakin nods. He closes his eyes, and breathes deep, and thinks that they may be among Mandalorians on a world of snow, but he has the desert in his bones and will never forget it.

“Ahsoka Tano, sister of my heart,” he says, hoping he’s getting the words right, and takes her hands in his. It’ll have more meaning here and now, where they’re both of full mind. He holds her gaze. “You ask to join my family, to be of those who walk the sky. You shed your old name as you shed the chains of your past. You become my daughter, not of blood, but of love, loyalty, and survival. My wells are your wells, and all I own and earn is to set the path of your freedom. I name you Sokanth Skywalker, she who slips through every hunter’s trap, and you are my child.”

She smiles brightly at him, and looks like she might cry. He presses his lips to her forehead. He turns to his Master. He hesitates, because it’s one thing to redefine his little sister, but...

“Obi-Wan Kenobi, father of my heart,” he says, his voice catching where it shouldn’t. He can do this. It’s weird but he can do this. “You ask to join my family, to be of those who walk the sky. You shed your old name as you shed the chains of your past. You become my son, not of blood, but of love, loyalty, and survival. My wells are your wells, and all I own and earn is to set the path of your freedom. I name you Ylliben Skywalker, he who hunts the monsters of the darkest nights, and you are my child.”

The man before him almost laughs, well aware of how absurd it is for Anakin to be the one adopting him, but keeps it limited to just a twinkle in his eye and a quirk to his lips. Anakin presses his lips to his teacher’s forehead.

He pulls both of them in close. Padawan and Master. Ahsoka and Obi-Wan.

Daughter and son. Soka and Ben. His.

“I’m still gonna call you Skyguy,” Soka says wetly. “But Mas--um, Ben. Ben can call you buir, all the Mandos are gonna love it.”

“Fine by me,” Anakin says. “I’m going to be telling you Tatooine bedtime stories, by the way. You’ll remember creche stories as you grow, but these’ll be new.”

“I do believe that would be appropriate,” Ben says, laughing just a touch. “I also think we should perhaps disband this, unless you have something else to address. You’re going to be dealing with two very cranky younglings soon.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, we’re gonna have headaches after this,” Soka laughs, rubbing her face against his shoulder. “But it’s okay, we got what we ne--”

“No, shut up, what you do mean, headaches? You said that was only when you were awake!”

“I mean, we’d be sobbing after like three minutes if we were awake,” Soka says cheerfully. “This way, it’s been like... an hour or whatever between all the talking and the hugging and the crying and the feelings, and we’re just gonna be grumpy.”

“Oh my--wake up!” Anakin growls at both of them. “I’m responsible for you now, wake up.”

He ignores Soka’s laughter and drags himself back to wakefulness. Behind him, he feels slight confusion and pain mixed with love and delight. Ben starts fussing.

Anakin drags a hand over his face and groans. He gets to his feet, nods to the nurse droid, and steps over to the cribs.

“Can we put them in the same one until I get my arm back?” he asks. The droid obliges, moving Ben to Soka’s crib. She immediately crawls over to him and envelops him in a hug. She pouts up at Anakin, eyes going watery, and he drops into the chair next to her and offers his hand through the bars. She grabs it.

“You’re going to be trouble for a long, long time, huh?”

She sticks her tongue out at him, and he smiles at her. Yes, trouble in spades, his Snips.

He starts telling her one of the fables of Tatooine, the really sanitized ones meant for children her age, before they got to the slave stories and haunt-tales. She falls asleep for real, no Force Shenanigans, shortly after. Ben is dead to the world by that point, making small snuffling noises whenever the blanket tickles his nose.

Anakin knows he’s got the galaxy’s dopiest smile on his face. It’s fine.

It’s a few more hours before someone stops by. He’s used the fresher by that point, helped the nurse droid coax Ben through a feeding, and helped Soka play with the little stuffed eopie they’ve given her.

“They got names, aruetti?”

He looks up and over. “Yes.”

The middle-aged man ambles over, arms crossed. “Jango said you claimed to be all they had left.”

He is. “They’re family. I’ve had a few hours to think it over, now that I’m not getting shot at or dying in the snow. To any system that allows it, I’ll be their father.”

“No chance of returning them to their people?”

Anakin shakes his head. “Soka has none who would recognize her, and I already--I already babysat her regularly, and she thought of me as a brother. It’s an easy next step.”

“And the human?”

“I... the master-padawan relationship is often one that is compared to that of parent and child,” Anakin says carefully. “My own master was like a father to me, and Ben is... Ben is all I have left of him.”

There. Not quite the truth, but... technically not lying.

Ben makes a small noise in his sleep, fussing, and Anakin reaches through the bars to brush his thumb across the infant’s chubby cheek. He smiles helplessly as Ben whines and curls in tighter on himself, pressing a tiny fist to his mouth.

“You’re good,” Anakin whispers. “We’re fine, Ylliben.”

“I don’t know what you’re hiding,” the Mando says. “But I do believe you’re doing what you can for those kids.”

“That’s all that matters,” Anakin agrees, finally looking away from his... his son.

Mine, the greedy krayt in his chest whispers.

“When are you planning on going back to Coruscanta?”

“I’m not,” Anakin says, standing and looking the man head-on. Anakin’s taller than him. That’s usually useful. “I don’t know why, but the Force wants me to stay here, or at least with the Mandalorians.”

“You want me to believe that you support my cause?”

“I don’t know your cause,” Anakin admits. “But I don’t like Death Watch, and I know you don’t either. Nobody on Coruscant is going to know to miss me, and the Force is warning me away from trying to go back. Whatever it is that needs doing, I’m supposed to be doing it here.”

The man steps forward. “Anyone tell you who I am?”

“No.”

“I’m Jaster Mereel.”

Good for you, Anakin thinks, and doesn’t say. “I’m pretty sure you already know my name.”

“I do,” Mereel says. “Wanna tell me how a Knight with a seemingly valid ident card claims nobody will know to miss him?”

“No.”

Mereel doesn’t even blink. “Try that again.”

“It means exactly what I said,” Anakin says. “The ident card is real. My training and rank are earned and deserved and bestowed by protocol. All of it was done at the Temple in Coruscant, but if you phone up the Temple with my name and face, nobody will know who I am.”

“And you’re not going to tell me why,” Mereel grouses. “What’s stopping me from calling them up anyway and asking them to come fetch your hypothermic ass?”

“...the fact that I already offered to help you?” Anakin manages. “I... I did say that part, right? That I’d help?”

“What’s stopping you from wanting to go back? And don’t give me any of that ‘will of the force’ banthashit.”

“I broke the Code,” Anakain says. The words sit heavy in his mouth, but one of his violations is lesser than the other, and-- “I married, and we’re not supposed to do that. She’s... not around anymore, but it still stands that I did it.”

The Tuskens weigh on his mind, suddenly and intensely. He hasn’t thought about them in ages, has always pushed those memories down, down, down, but--

“And they won’t take you back?”

“They might,” Anakin admits. They probably would, with his full title and everything, especially if he told them about the future. “But they wouldn’t let me keep the kids.”

Understanding flickers. “Not allowed kids?”

“It’s not... technically against the code,” he hedges. “But they’d find out about my marriage while investigating my past--” maybe, he’s not sure what kind of investigation they’d justify for a complete stranger of a knight, especially to confirm the future, but if they had a psychometric so much as touch his saber or arm, once he gets those back, there’d be a risk, “--and after already breaking the code by marrying, they’d be far less willing to bend the rules about the babies.”

He doesn’t realize how likely the risk is until after he says it, because he’s just been focusing on staying alive and following the Force, but.. they’d want the kids in the creche. He’s broken the code enough that any investigation they set to prove he’s legitimately a Jedi Knight that isn’t recorded and isn’t in the system is going to uncover something through the Force. They might not let him keep his family.

“What are their names?”

“I already--”

“Jango kept his last name,” Mereel cuts him off. “Did yours?”

Anakin looks the man in the eye, and then attempts to cross his arms in response, to mirror the pose and hold his ground. Unfortunately, he’s forgotten that he’s only got the one arm, which is really kriffing irritating.

“I gave them my name,” he says. “They’ll know where they came from, but they are mine.”

Yeah, no shit they’ll know where they came from.

Mereel’s face twitches, but the man is unreadable in the Force. Still, there’s something in the air... “So, those names?”

“Sokanth and Ylliben Skywalker,” Anakin tells him. He spells it out when the droid asks. He assumes it’s just for the medical data their droids are collecting.

“How well can you fight without your laser sword?”

“You mean unarmed?” Anakin asks, and then smiles brightly and tauntingly and waves his empty sleeve around. Mereel does not appreciate the humor. “Pretty well, but I do better when I have the Force, and am not still recovering from hypothermia. And I’m a fair shot with a blaster, but no specialist.”

Mereel eyes him for a moment, and then nods. “One of my snipers is Force-Sensitive. Never was enough to get more than some basic training in mental shields and the control to not hurt herself, but when we mentioned bringing in a Jetii, someone asked her what she thought. Came by the room while you were unconscious and said she thought you felt sad, angry, and desperate... but that she had a good feeling about where you’d be going.”

“Sad, angry, and desperate?” Anakin repeats, a little offended.

“You act like a veteran, kid,” Mereel says. He shrugs. “Damn near everyone that goes through some kind of war has all that going on. S’normal. You got Kamira’s approval, though, and that means a damn sight more. Keep your secrets for now. We’ll get there eventually.”

No we won’t, Anakin thinks. Out loud, he asks, “So, how much of what kind of work would I have to do to borrow a ship to Tatooine and earn enough to free a slave girl?”

#disaster lineage #anakin skywalker #obi wan kenobi #ahsoka tano #jango fett #jaster mereel #time travel #mandalore #tatooine #de aging #babies #phoenix files #Anakin and the Jedi Babies

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robininthelabyrinth · 3 years ago

Note

I'd like to see more of the Jiang Cheng has spider venom fic. Mostly because I want to see him bite someone else. How about a Jin?

Normal For the Spider - Extra: 5 People Jiang Cheng Bit, Some of Whom Deserved It

ao3

1 – Wei Wuxian

“So I’ve been exchanging letters with shijie on account of the whole theoretically banished business,” Wei Wuxian said as they strolled down the Qiongqi Path together, Wen Ning behind them making shy stuttering friends with the handful of Jiang sect disciples Jiang Cheng had brought along with him – he’d deliberately picked the friendliest and most social of the lot, the ones that acted like overgrown puppies and wanted to adopt everyone they met, and sure enough they’d mobbed Wen Ning like a bunch of crows intent on raising the poor little sparrow they found into a proper bird. It was no more than Wen Ning deserved, in Jiang Cheng’s opinion. Someone needed to socialize him, and clearly neither his sister nor Wei Wuxian were doing crap about it.

“That’s nice,” Jiang Cheng said. “If by nice you mean extremely suspicious. What about in particular?”

“Your family inheritance.”

“Is this about the summer house we have near that mountain lake? I told you, it’s been deserted for years and may possibly be haunted by something resistant to the usual liberation techniques, but if you really want to go there, you’re of course allowed…”

“That’s not the inheritance I meant and you know it.”

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. He did know it. “What questions do you have now?” he asked. “More medical stuff from Wen Qing?”

She’d recovered from the venom very well and immediately started wanting to know everything. Recovered a little too well, in Jiang Cheng’s opinion.

“No, this one’s for me,” Wei Wuxian said. “We’re going to Lanling City in order to let Jin Ling bite me as a way to establish familial ties and let him ‘absorb’ good aspects from my personality, right?”

Jiang Cheng nodded.

“So in some cases, biting is an act of affection?”

Jiang Cheng nodded, a little more warily.

“Then how come you’ve never bitten me?”

“It’s only affectionate when you’re a baby,” Jiang Cheng said. “Once you grow into your childhood venom, it starts being dangerous, even to family; you don’t do affection-bites after that point. And when you’re an adult…well, you saw Wen Qing!”

“Eh, she’s fine now,” Wei Wuxian said cheerfully. “I feel like I missed out! It’s not fair, Jiang Cheng. I deserve a bite! I’m practically your brother! We share essential bodily organs!”

“Wei Wuxian! Don’t talk about that!”

“Bite me and I’ll stop.”

“I’m not biting you just to make you stop being annoying –”

2 – Jin Zixun

“What are you doing here?!” Jiang Cheng demanded. “This is an ambush! Is the Jin sect considering waging an act of war against the Jiang sect?”

Jin Zixun scowled at him. “Not against the Jiang sect,” he said haughtily. “Against the Yiling Patriarch.”

“He’s my head disciple!”

That got a confused sort of frown. “But you banished him…?”

“Rumor,” Jiang Cheng said, with dignity, the way they’d always planned. “Baseless rumor, that’s all.”

Rumor he’d never denied, and had instead implicitly encouraged so that people would leave his Jiang sect alone for a little while as he gathered up strength and resources to tell them to fuck off.

“But…” Jin Zixun hesitated. “You just – attacked him?”

Jiang Cheng glared at Wei Wuxian, still lying prone on the ground with his head in Wen Ning’s lap to elevate it and his neck bandaged but still a little red – surely the paralytic had worn off by now?

Wei Wuxian noticed him staring and gave a jaunty little wave, grinning and very clearly regretting nothing, which meant that the paralytic had worn off and he was just lying there to be comfortable while watching the fun.

Typical.

“A friendly exchange,” he said, trying to maintain his dignity. “Also? Not the Jin sect’s business. What about you? What did you want with him?”

“I want him to remove the curse he cast on me,” Jin Zixun said, and he strode forward before Jiang Cheng could stop him and kicked Wei Wuxian in the side. “You hear me, you bastard?! I want the damn thing gone this instant or else –”

3 – Wen Ning

“So this is going to be a little awkward to explain,” Jin Zixuan said, rubbing his face. He looked tired, but that was possibly a side-effect of having Jin Zixun as a cousin. “Tell me, why are my cousin’s flunkies – er, I mean, my cousin’s friends convinced that it was Wen Ning that poisoned him?”

Jiang Cheng scowled.

“No offense meant,” Jin Zixuan added, nodding politely to Wen Ning. “It’s just, you know, you’re very much not a Yu, or even a Jiang.”

“No offense taken,” Wen Ning mumbled, though to Jiang Cheng’s eyes he looked a little pleased, even if his stiff wooden face still didn’t do emotions all that well. “It’s nice not to be automatically feared.”

“It’s because Wen Ning punched Jin Zixun in the face at the same moment that I bit him,” Jiang Cheng interjected, because someone needed to answer the actual question. “And then Jin Zixun fell over and someone started shouting about corpse poison – even though he’s obviously turned purple! Purple venom, purple spider, purple lightning…what part of this thematic color scheme is not obvious?!”

“Technically, the livor mortis spots generated by corpse poison are also purple,” Wei Wuxian said, completely unhelpfully. “According to Wen Qing, it’s the lack of oxygen in the blood pooling under the skin or something, which is the same thing your mom’s poison does.”

“Do you think you’re helping?” Jiang Cheng demanded.

“No, not at all. Did I sound like I was helping? I didn’t mean to.”

“I’m going to bite you again, you little…”

“My father isn’t going to want to let Wen Ning through the door if he’s considered a possible threat,” Jin Zixuan said, wisely deciding to carry on with the conversation despite their bickering. “You know he’s been saying all those things about how dangerous the Yiling Patriarch is – this’ll just feed into that.”

“I’m not going to Lanling City without Wen Ning!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed. “Wen Qing made me promise! It’s his first time visiting such a big place, too!”

“I’m pretty sure Wen Qing made you promise not to leave him behind because she was worried about your well-being, not Wen Ning’s ability to be a tourist,” Jiang Cheng said.

“Doesn’t matter! I’m not leaving him, and I’m definitely not going to not attend the party, so you have to fix this!”

“I don’t know how to fix this –”

Wen Ning coughed lightly. “Uh,” he said. “Jin-gongzi…would your father let me in if I wasn’t a threat? Say, if I was unconscious?”

A moment of silence.

“…does venom work even on fierce corpses?”

“Of course it does,” Jiang Cheng said irritably. “It wouldn’t be much of a defense mechanism for a cultivator if it didn’t.”

4 – Jin Guangshan

“I didn’t mean to!” Jiang Cheng said, his hands over his mouth. “I really didn’t mean to! It’s Wei Wuxian’s fault!”

“How is this my fault?!” Wei Wuxian asked. He looked amused, which was never a good sign, and even less so given the extreme crisis of the situation. “I wasn’t even in the room.”

“You encouraged me to keep biting people as a solution to everything!” Jiang Cheng hissed. ��It got me in the mood. I wasn’t thinking!”

He looked down at the unconscious (and swiftly purpling) Jin Guangshan and grimaced. There was no convenient Wen Ning to put the blame on this time: it had been just the two of them, Jin Guangshan and Jiang Cheng, alone in a room together. Jin Guangshan had wanted to have words with him, sect leader to sect leader, which mostly meant that he wanted to throw his weight and seniority around to try to brow-beat Jiang Cheng into doing what he wanted, except that wasn’t going to work because Jiang Cheng was prepared, okay, he’d worked so long and so hard to try to build up the Jiang sect until it could resist Jin sect pressure.

And he’d probably just ruined everything.

“He has legitimate grounds to declare war against us now,” Jiang Cheng said miserably. “Or maybe to demand that we hand over that stupid Tiger Seal he keeps bugging you about as reparations, or in order to keep him from declaring war…”

“We can’t let him have it,” Wei Wuxian said at once. “It’s far too dangerous. I’d destroy it, first.”

“But then he’d still have a reason to strike against us…”

There was the soft sound of someone clearing their throat, and at first Jiang Cheng thought it was Wen Ning but when he looked up it was Jin Guangyao, instead. He looked the same as always, gentle and personable and smiling, which struck Jiang Cheng as being unaccountably weird for some reason that he couldn’t figure out until he remembered that the man’s father was currently lying on the ground being poisoned and maybe Jin Guangyao shouldn’t be smiling so much.

“If you don’t mind,” Jin Guangyao said, “I might have a suggestion that would get rid of that problem…”

5 – Wen Qing

“…and long story short, Jin Guangyao is going to run Lanling Jin until Jin Zixuan is done having kids, which may be never based on the soppy looks he and my shijie keep exchanging, and we all have the Jin sect’s blessing to move back into the Lotus Pier,” Wei Wuxian concluded. “All’s well that ends well, right, Jiang Cheng?”

Jiang Cheng crossed his arms and glared, admitting nothing.

“I’ll be happy to move anywhere that has decent food,” Wen Qing remarked. “This damn place won’t even grow radishes properly, and it’s Yiling; the radishes should be practically growing themselves.”

“I’ve arranged for some farmland for your people,” Jiang Cheng said, because practicalities he could do. “There’s still lots left over from before the war, lying fallow, and some of the places are medicinal herb fields – we need people with cultivation to tend to those, so I figured that might work for you. You’d have half regular farmland, to make sure you can grow whatever food you feel you need to be comfortable, and the other half, the herbs, can be sold to the Jiang sect at profit.”

“That sounds good,” Wen Qing said.

“Especially since they’re medicinal herb plants,” Wei Wuxian chimed in. “You could stock up on medicines you need!”

“A lot of medicines have to be obtained through trade, you utter nincompoop! I can’t make medicine just using what a single medicinal herb field will generate!”

Jiang Cheng nodded approvingly, thinking to himself that at least there was someone else in the world who understood exactly how aggravating it was to have to deal with Wei Wuxian’s unbridled and illogical optimism on a regular basis.

“And as for you,” Wen Qing said, turning to Jiang Cheng, who blinked owlishly at her. “Don’t think I missed the part of that story about how biting people is a sign of affection!”

“It’s – what?! No, you don’t – that’s when we’re children– it’s –”

Wei Wuxian started cackling.

#mdzs #jiang cheng #wei wuxian #wen ning #jin zixun #jin zixuan #jin guangyao #wen qing #my fic #my fics #normal for the spider

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handsomelyhiddleston · 3 years ago

Text

Stormy Sleepover - Tom Hiddleston x Reader

I haven’t written in like, years. I previously wrote for Colby Brock at @colbybrocksmolder and someone asked me to write for Tom so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I hope you enjoy!

_________________________

“Did you hear there was a storm coming?” one of your PA’s, Andi, asked you. You were in charge of making sure the cast all had assistants and that their life on set ran smoothly. You’d been working with these guys since the very first Thor movie.

“I got a notification on my phone a few hours ago, but this building is so big I doubt we’d know if it had actually hit yet.” You pulled up your weather app and clicked on the “!” checking to see what the “alert” was. “Oh god” you said, shocked to read that most of the county was already out of power.

“I told you, call me Chris.” Behind you, Hemsworth was chuckling leaning over to read what you were looking at on your phone.

“Ha, ha.” You laughed at his cheesy joke. “But seriously, has anyone been outside in the last few hours?”

Looking at your phone, Hemsworth shrugged and headed towards one of the truck bays.

In front of you, you watched Evans and Tom training with each other. There were various scenes in this movie involving water and a big thing the trainers had been working with them on was safely landing in water. It sounds funny, but you can break bones or knock yourself unconscious if you land wrong.

“Bad news” Hemsworth yelled out, getting everyone’s attention. “This building has been running on generators. There’s no power in the whole lot.” He dramatically shook his arms, flinging rain water on you and Andi.

“No wonder this water has gotten so cold” Evans added, shivering. “It’s usually warmed, but It’s ice right now.”

You sent a text to the director who was in a meeting with the writers. You received a text back fairly quickly. “Let everyone know we’ve got 6 more rooms at the Hyatt Hotel a few towns over for those who don’t have trailers on the lot. Tell everyone else that it looks like the power won’t be fixed until tomorrow afternoon. There’s a whole line of downed power lines that they can’t get to until the storm stops. The generators only run lights and a few outlets and it looks like they’re going to die soon too. The 16 seater van is outside with a driver to take people to the hotel.”

“Looks like we’re done for the day.” You said mostly to yourself, with Hemsworth and Andi hearing you.

“Everybody in.” Hemsworth hollered out so you wouldn’t have to yell.

“Thanks.” You shot him a smile.

“Any time” he replied, flinging his long wet hair towards you.

“I take it back.” You laughed, moving to stand on your chair.

“I know that not everyone has a trailer in the lot yet as we haven’t actually started filming, so for anyone that doesn’t have a home here there’s a van outside that will take to you the hotel that has power nearby. It’s already super chilly in here, so I imagine it’s freezing outside.” You spoke so everyone could hear you.

“Can confirm.” Hemsworth said, starting to shiver a bit.

“There’s umbrellas near the catering tables and there’s a bunch of old hoodies and jackets in the extras costume bay. Make sure you’re warm and dry before you head to the van.”

Everyone that didn’t have a trailer on set left once they had their instructions.

“As for the rest of us, we have to hunker down in our trailers until this passes. I have solar power and full solar batteries on my trailer so all of you are more than welcome to come crash with me if your trailer is too cold or you need electricity for anything.”

You, Hemsworth, Evans, Tom, and Scarlett were the only ones on set that had trailers so far.

“It can’t be THAT cold” Evans joked, grabbing his bag and heading towards the door.

“Scarlett went to her trailer a few hours ago” Tom shared. “I only got here last night so I don’t even have my trailer set up. Are you sure you’re okay if I go grab my bag and come steal some of your space?”

“Absolutely” you smiled at him. “And if I know Scarlett, she’s already in my trailer. I don’t think her trailer was even hooked up to power yet. Her’s was the newest one on the lot.”

“Thank you, darling. I’ll go grab my bag and check Scarlett’s trailer on my way to yours.” Tom replied and then jogged towards the door.

Andi left to catch the van once you passed your notes from the day on to her. “Be safe. Don’t worry about making it back tomorrow. I will email you any further updates I have for assignments.”

“I’m going to head back to my trailer and see if I have any cell services.” Hemsworth shared after everyone else had started leaving. “I know my wife probably has all of the weather and accident alerts on for the whole county and she’s probably worried.”

“Be safe.” You said, taking his offered hand so you could step off of your chair safely. “I’ll grab the satellite phone in the emergency kit and take it to my trailer just in case we need it.”

“It looks like you may have a full house tonight.” Hemsworth Joked.

“You’re welcome to join the insanity.” You teased, throwing your hoodie on and grabbing the satellite phone.

When you made it to your trailer, you were pretty soaked. Even with the umbrella, the rain was insane.

“Thank God you didn’t leave.” Scarlett startled you.

“I knew you’d already be in here.” You laughed. “Tom is on his way. His trailer is like yours. We didn’t even get a chance to get them hooked up before this crazy storm hit.”

“Oooo Lover boy is coming.” She teased.

“Oh, shut it. We’re friends, Scar. That’s it. We’ve never been more than friends.” You started stripping out of your wet clothes and slipped on a pair of soft black sweatpants and your favorite hoodie. It was dark green with “Mischief” written across the front. There were gold horns painted on the hood.

“I’ve known your friend almost as long as you have and the way he looks at you…I’m just saying. I think there’s something there.” She teased, gathering your wet clothes and putting them in a laundry bin that was tucked under one of the beds.

You both turned to the door hearing what sounded like a woman screaming bloody murder. “Let me in” Evans yelled, banging on the door.

Scarlett opened the door while you grabbed a towel. She laughed at him, seeing him drenched head to toe. “It was unlocked, tough guy.”

“You hit an octave I don’t think I can even reach, Cap” you teased, throwing him the towel and going back into your PJ drawer for an oversized t shirt and a baggy pair of sweats.

“I was wrong. I was so wrong. It’s fucking freezing in my trailer and I didn’t realize that the water would be cold because the power has been out for so long.” Evan’s teeth were chattering as he stripped out of his clothes, trying to dry off.

“I think I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen you naked, Evans.” Scarlett laughed, handing him the clothes you picked out for him.

“Thank god you aren’t seeing the front. It’s so cold I think my manhood has retreated fully into my body” Evans replied, throwing the clothes on and drying his hair with the towel.

Both of you laughed. You started brewing a pot of coffee and turned your water kettle on for tea. “Well, Scarlett already claimed the couch.” You mentioned. “Why don’t you take the regular bed so that if Hemsworth joins, you two can bunk together. It’s queen size so it should fit you both comfortably.”

Evans crawled into bed, wrapping himself in the blankets and trying to warm up. “Where will you sleep?”

“The dining room table and benches turn into a bed.” You replied. “It’s a full size, so almost as big as the one you’re in.”

“Did you hear that?” Evans perked up, trying to look out the tiny window he could still see through from the bed.

You and Scarlett quieted down. Getting louder you could hear Hemsworth yelling “NO, I AM THE GOD OF THUNDER!” every time lighting would strike and the sky would boom.

“Looks like it’s going to be a full house tonight.” Scarlett laughed, opening the door. “Get your godly ass in here, you crazy Australian.”

“He’s clearly the superior Chris” Evans joked. “Are you fucking crazy?” he asked as Hemsworth stepped into the trailer.

“Possibly. Probably.” Hemsworth laughed, trying not to get water all over the floor.

Scarlett grabbed the towel Evans had used to dry off and put it down on the floor by the door. “Here you go.”

“Much appreciated.” Hemsworth replied, dropping his duffle bag. “Can I change in your bathroom?”

“It’s all yours” you said. “Do you need clothes or did you bring some dry ones?”

“I brought some. I also brought some fun. I’ll show you after I get out of my sopping clothes.” He answered, leaving his shoes by the door and stepping into the bathroom.

When the bathroom door clicked, you heard a knock on the door. “Tom, come in” you hollered.

Tom was wearing a long poncho with an umbrella. He had a large bag with him and when he got inside he kicked his shoes off, putting them by Hemsworth’s shoes. You grabbed his bag from him, putting it by the second bed you had just finished setting up. He closed the umbrella and pulled his poncho off, his black sweatpants and black hoodie bone dry.

“You make the other two look like heathens.” Scarlett laughed. “They showed up soaking wet and screaming.”

“He is a gentleman.” You gave him a smirk, causing his cheeks to blush ever so slightly.

“Is there even room for all 5 of us?” he cleared his throat and laughed.

“Absolutely” you ushered him towards you. “Evans and Hemsworth are sharing that bed. Scarlett has the couch. I just set up the extra bed right here, for you.”

“For us” he replied with a stern look. “I know you too well, darling” he smirked. “You’re going to offer to sleep on the floor by the couch and I won’t have any of it.”

“Tom, it’s fine. I have a sleeping bag and…” You tried to ensure him you’d be okay, but he interrupted you.

“If you try to sleep on this floor I will walk back to my freezing trailer so you can have the bed to yourself.” The stern look softened as he pulled you into a tight hug. “You know you don’t always have to be the one to make the sacrifice. Plus, I promise I don’t talk in my sleep or have crazy dreams. I’ve even been told I’m quite comfy to cuddle with.” He dropped his eyes to yours, smirking.

“Oh, if I must.” You teased him, kissing his cheek as Hemsworth finally came out of the bathroom. “Scarlett knows where the laundry bin is.” You pointed him towards the hamper full of wet clothes.

“Do I smell coffee?” Evans sat up in bed, looking towards you. “Come cuddle, buddy” he laughed opening his arms for Hemsworth who let all of his body weight drop on Evans. “Jesus Christ, you’re a brick.”

You laughed, pulling down mugs from the cabinets and making everyone coffee. “Coffee or Tea, Tom?” you looked over at him. He was sitting on the edge of the bed you two would share.

“Tea, my sweet. But let me help you.” He stood and started grabbing sugars for everyone’s coffee, asking how many they normally added.

“There’s pasta in the crock-pot as well if anyone is hungry.” You announced.

“Food?” Hemsworth’s head shot up and he crawled off of Evans.

“God, men are so simple.” Scarlett laughed, grabbing the coffee you handed her.

“You are not wrong.” Evans added, asking if he could help with anything now that he wasn’t freezing to death.

“I think we’re good.” You replied, dishing up some pasta for Hemsworth and Evans and passing them off to the boys. “Scarlett?” you offered her food, as well.

“Actually, I’m craving something sweet.” She answered.

“I’ve prepared for this one” Tom answered, going to the large bag he brought with him. “It took me so long to get here because I walked to the catering room to grab some snacks. I’ve got a whole tub of cookie dough that probably needs to go in the refrigerator soon, a tub of sour sweets, and what looks like a large cherry pie.”

“Pass the cookie dough this way” Scarlett answered. “This man has his priorities straight”, she laughed.

After everyone had sat back on their beds, dug into their food, and warmed up with their coffee or tea, Hemsworth remembered his bag. “Since we are most likely going to be stuck in this trailer until tomorrow afternoon, I brought a different kind of treat.” He picked up his bag and started pulling out bottles of alcohol and putting them on the counter. “Anyone opposed?” he asked.

“What a G!” Evans laughed, crawling out of the bed to help Hemsworth make drinks. “What kind of mixers do you have, Y/n?”

“There’s some cans of soda, some energy drinks…there’s some juice…and then we’ve got coffee for that Bailey’s I see” you answered.

Tom was smirking next to you as the Chrises started making a make-shift bar out of what they had available to them.

“We’ve got to get this started with a bang” Hemsworth said, handing everyone two shots each. “The first one is to us having a great night reunited with our make-shift family.” He smiled at everyone and downed the first shot, everyone else following suit.

Evans spoke up after. “The second one goes to our incredible, gracious, and always prepared host. To Y/n!” He downed the second shot, everyone following his lead. Except for Tom.

You shivered as the second shot went down your throat and looked over at Tom who was still holding his full shot glass, sitting next to you on the bed. He had a small smile, giving you a look you couldn’t place. Quietly he spoke to you “I’d like to add a few things to his toast, but I think it may take a few more drinks to find the right words.” He downed the shot and took a sip of his tea to wash it down.

“Who wants what?” Evans asked, making everyone a strong drink.

For the first few drinks, everyone just talked and caught up. It had been a while since the group had been on a press run or a film set together.

“Y/n!” Evans spoke up.

“Yes, Cap?” you answered, starting to feel the alcohol course through you.

“Truth or Dare?” He smirked. His eyebrow raised like he was challenging you.

“Truth.” You answered, staring him down.

“Hmmm…Have you dated anyone working on any of these movies? Cast or crew?” He asked, finishing off his drink and standing to make another.

“I haven’t” you answered truthfully.

“Wait, let’s not do truth or dare, lets do truth or shot.” Scarlett suggested, wanting to get a few answers out of you and Tom.

“I like it.” Evans said, grabbing everyone’s shot glasses back and filling them so he could hand them out as needed.

“I answered, so I’m in the clear. Hemsworth has a higher alcohol tolerance than we do so I need him to catch up. Who is an actor in the MCU you hope you never have to work with again?” You asked, hearing Tom chuckle next to you.

“I can’t answer that!” he laughed, taking the shot Evans handed him.

“That’s the point.” You laughed.

He laughed, handing the empty shot glass back to Evans. “Fine, fine. Tom. In our last interview panel together, they kept asking you if you were seeing someone and you answered no. You then said that you were interested in someone, but that you hadn’t done anything about it. Who is she?”

“Oh no.” Tom laughed, feeling the alcohol a bit himself. “I think I need to take a shot. Are all of these going to be so hard?” He grabbed the shot that Evans passed off to him.

“I think you guys just need to not be pussies and answer the damn questions” Scarlett laughed, shooting you a look.

“Right?” Evans laughed, taking the empty shot glass from Tom.

Tom scooted a bit closer to you when he handed off his shot glass. “Okay, Evans. If you had to marry one of your on screen romantic co-stars, who would it be?”

“Oh, come on! It’s gotta be Scar Jo! The one and only.” Evans laughed, putting his hands over his heart and giving Scarlett a loving look. “We’ve been in movies together damn near my whole career.”

“We would annoy the hell out of each other.” Scarlett laughed.

“It’s true. We’re practically siblings. Okay, Y/n” Evans rubbed his hands together like he was plotting. “Favorite actor you’ve been able to work with ever.”

“Why do I feel like there’s a very specific question you want to ask, but instead you’re asking questions trying to fluster me?” you shot him a look, trying not to blush.

“Hey, I’m just playing the game.” Evans laughed, picking up a shot to let me know I didn’t have to answer.

“Keep your shot. I’ll answer this one. It’s definitely Mr. Mischief himself over here.” You pointed your thumb to your side at Tom, trying not to blush.

“No, there has to be someone cooler than me.” Tom blushed, hiding his glee by taking a sip of his tea.

You looked at him, summoning the strength of the drinks you’ve been throwing back. “You should give yourself more credit. You’re amazing.”

You stayed in the moment for a few seconds, just smiling at each other. “I think it’s your turn”, Tom said, putting his arm around your shoulders.

You blushed, realizing you had just been staring at him. Leaning into his side, you asked “Okay, Evans. Have you slept with any of your MCU co-stars?”

“Oh shit!” Scarlett laughed, standing up and handing Evans one of the shots.

“Yeah, yeah.” He laughed, downing the shot. “I’ll pick on someone else this time.” He filled up everyone’s drinks while thinking of his next question. “Okay, Scar. Who is the most attractive man in the current MCU?”

“Oooh, good question.” Scarlett thought about it, going through the movies outside of the Avengers. “I have a few different answers.”

“Explain.” Hemsworth replied.

“Well, There are a few people I find attractive for different reasons, I guess.” She answered.

“How about you share this list and we decide if you still need to drink for not picking one person?” You laughed.

“Well, Hemsworth is an amazing dad. Like, you look your happiest when you’re in the messiest, most chaotic situations with your kids. Most dads are the opposite. They’re trying to escape that.” Scarlett explained her first answer.

“Valid points made so far” Evans agreed, leaning against the counter.

“Hiddleston is the fucking epitome of a gentleman. You’re literally everything women want.” Scarlett turned towards tom, making him blush.

You quietly spoke “She’s not wrong” in Tom’s ear, feeling him pull you tighter to his side in response.

“You’re too kind”, Tom answered to her, downing the rest of his drink.

Scarlett looked to Evans. “I think I have to go with…Idris Elba.”

“I want to be mad that I didn’t make your list, but that man is truly a god.” Evans responded.

The game started to wind down as it got later into the night. Seeing everyone kind of calm down and get settled, you walked around making sure everyone had what they needed.

“Anyone want water so you don’t wake up hungover?” you laughed, pulling some water out of the fridge.

“Here!” “Please!” you handed water bottles out to everyone.

“I’m not setting an alarm for the morning. It’s super late and I doubt anyone is going to be back on the lot before dinner time anyways.” You said, grabbing you and Tom each a water bottle before turning off the main light.

You turned on the small light above your bed so you could sort out your sleeping arrangements. You grabbed your toiletries bag and pulled out a make-up wipe, trying to clean your face since you didn’t really get to do your nightly routine.

“Can I use one of those?” Tom asked, realizing he hadn’t been able to wash his face either.

“Come here” you said, scooting against Tom so you could run the damp cloth over his face. He watched your gentle movements, feeling you run the cool cloth across his skin.

“Thank you” he said, kissing the back of your hand before scooting back in the bed and laying down.

You put your bag back and drank some of your water before crawling fully into the bed and turning off the light. “Are you good?” you asked, turning to face Tom in the dark. You could feel his hand reach out and settle on your arm.

“I am” he answered, running his hand down your arm, to rest on your hip. “I want to finish your toast” he whispered, scooting his pillow closer to yours. “What Evans said was true, but you’re so much more, y/n. You’re beautiful and incredibly intelligent and there is not a single person I look forward to seeing more than you.”

“I think you’re drunk” you replied, knowing that if the light was on your face would be bright red.

“I am” Tom chuckled. “I still stand by what I said.”

You reached forward and ran your hand up Tom’s chest until you felt your fingers graze the side of his face. “I’m going to have to thank Hemsworth for getting you tipsy” you laughed, teasing Tom. You scooted closer to him, feeling him wrap his arm around your back and hold you against him.

“I couldn’t have waited much longer to tell you anyways” Tom replied. “I was just nervous you didn’t feel the same. We’ve been such good friends for so long…”

You interrupted him, capturing his lips in a kiss. “I’ve wanted to do that for years” you said, connecting your lips in a second kiss.

“Oh, thank god.” Tom said, a little louder than intended. “Can I call you mine?”

You laughed, trying to stay quiet. “Please, do.” You answered reconnecting your lips.

Tom rolled to hover over you, deepening the kiss.

“Fucking finally!” you heard Scarlett call out, making Tom collapse on top of you in laughter.

“Right?” Evans added. “It’s been ages.”

“Fair warning, I am telling this story at your wedding” Hemsworth said.

“I think our friends are happy for us” Tom said in a much quieter voice, flipping the two of you so that you were laying against his chest.

“I mean, I’m pretty happy for us” you replied, snuggling into his warm chest.

“Me too, love. Get some sleep” he said, running his hand up and down your back as he felt your breaths even out.

#Tom Hiddleston #Tom Hiddleston x Reader #Tom Hiddleston Imagine #Tom Hiddleston Fic #Loki

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jodilin65 · 30 years ago

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SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 1995 I cannot believe I started another story, but I did. I’ll write about it soon.

Tom’s eating now which takes him forever.

He just got in from working for 4 hours. At the end of each month, they all go in for 4 hours on a Saturday.

The first thing he said was how tired he was, and I told him - don’t worry, I won’t hit him for sex. The guy’s been displaying very low interest in me sexually these last several days, but I got him to go down on me last night.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1995 I thought I heard tweak daddy either coming or going.

I just typed up my story ideas for Tom and put boxes in front of poor, fair, good, and excellent for him to rate his opinions on them. I’ll also probably write it in regular story form rather than script form and have an anonymous narrator, rather than be a self-narrator if I do a story.

Oh, how I want to wake Tom up for a good screw, but I’m not sure if he’d want that.

Another pair of underwear of mine is ripping. I’ve gotta stop buying cheap pairs and pay a little extra money to have them last longer.

Did I mention yet what Tom said he’d like to do occasionally? I always wished for this to be the case here and there, too. He says he wants to have sex just for him once in a while so he can go slow. (I like it fast) This I’ve got to see! I think he brought this up cuz of how I’ve commented on how sex is for me. All he’ll do is bang away hard, then that’s it.

Again I’m glad I’m sure to win this bet for two reasons. I can’t go 24 hours without smoking! Also, how do you think I’d feel if he could cum for me to quit smoking for 24 hours and he couldn’t cum for the fun of it and to try making a baby? That’d convince me all the more he’s holding back, severely against a kid, and I’m already pretty damn convinced!

Later…

Tom, who’s home now, rated my story ideas. Maybe I’ll do something later.

I just logged off from AOL only to continue getting nowhere with it.

Got the two flags from my parents today, but there were no pictures. They sent two packets of daisy seeds, a Halloween flag, and a cat flag. No flamingos.

What amazing luck. Andy had heard about the letter of mine he posted. If it were me who lived there and posted it, I’d never hear a damn thing about it.

Anyway, there had been this guy Andy liked who lived right near him so Michelle went over and told him. It turns out that this guy’s also gay, his name’s Andy too, but is fucked up. He hacked his wrists up over losing his job, a boyfriend, and a girlfriend. This guy’s bi, actually. So, the guy mentioned how someone wrote no fudge packers on the sign with all the pool rules and how he found an anti-gay poem by “Mystic” and was very nerved up about it. This is stupid of Andy, which he now realized, but he told the guy it’s not an anti-gay letter, it’s a letter and not a poem, and I’m Mystery, not Mystic. He probably thought it was anti-gay cuz of the way I began the letter, Yo Femmy! We gays/bis do that at times like blacks call each other niggas.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1995 “Last night I got so bad I kept hitting my head on the bunk above mine. One time I almost knocked myself unconscious. Not intentionally, I just keep forgetting to duck.”

The above was Bob’s latest funny statement to Kim. She sent me a letter along with a 9-page letter he wrote to her.

I will be back to write more later.

Later…

There have been so many things I planned or thought of writing but never got around to it for various reasons, so I’ll just try to remember as much as I can.

I called my parents. They got the envelope with the flowers and fish I drew. He says they’re sending me two flags. A Halloween one and a flag of pink flamingos. Tom and I will like that.

He also says Ma may have thrown in some pictures.

Now for last night’s observation of tweak daddy. Between 10 - 11 PM, the newspaper was gone. Tom said he saw the blinds being washed out back when he went up on the roof. After midnight I saw him painting. It’s amazing how this guy never sleeps.

Tom says that means it’s not selling as fast as they’d like and that they’re getting anxious. I’m surprised they didn’t paint right away with the way kids scribble on walls and smear food all over them.

This is day 4 of having only 20 cigarettes a day. Yesterday I had 1½ leftover.

I saw a commercial about an ovulation predictor test. I knew the couple weren’t actors since the woman was huge. The funny thing about it was when they said it pinpoints the 72 hours a woman is most fertile.

“Most” fertile? I thought you were either fertile or not fertile. I didn’t know you could be kind of fertile. Also, why do people need these ovulation predictors when all they need to do is count 14 days after the first day of their period?

Speaking of my period chart - I checked and realized I counted some of the numbers of days between periods wrong, so I’m not even gonna bother counting my 1996 periods. Just mark the dates I’m flowing.

Checked AOL’s newsgroups and got knocked offline twice. Still, I never found anything of interest. Tom said don’t worry about that, just get familiar with it. Is he covering up his patience game by having me do useless stuff?

Last night we were talking about how we grew up differently and how material things spoil you. Is he trying to “unspoil” me by putting off stuff if he isn’t trying to instill patience in me? I reminded him, though, that I never did get a lot of the things in life I’ve wanted. I’ve gotten very far from all I’ve ever wanted.

Later…

I’d really like to screw now, but Tom needs his sleep. He’s a lousy pussy licker when he’s tired, too. Then he’s either not quite in the right spot, too slow, too light, or too hard.

Andy mentioned going job hunting the other day. I wonder if he found anything.

I stood on the chair by the window in the music room to spy on next door. I didn’t see anyone or any vehicles. A dim light was on and the windows were wide open. Not open to the screen; nothing was covering them. They haven’t put the blinds back up yet. Must be waiting for the paint to dry.

Earlier, when I came into the living room, Tom teasingly asked, “Did you come to fight with me?”

So, I asked him if he was trying to unspoil me and if he isn’t trying to instill patience in me. He said no, but I’m not so sure he’d admit to it if he really was.

In one more month, I’ll have been writing for 8 years. Wow!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 1995 I can’t sleep, so I thought I’d write. Boy, am I gonna be exhausted when that alarm goes off in 7 hours!

How fucking weird. At 10:00, I saw tweak daddy next door, but I never saw a car or van. It looked like he was doing something to the poster that was in the front living room window.

Just now, though, I noticed he put newspaper over the two side windows facing our house. With blinds in there, why would he do that? Did he take the blinds down, but put up the newspaper to hide the fact that the house is vacant which is very obvious anyway?

I highly doubt anyone noticed me spying.

Now there’s a white car in the driveway.

I’ll bet he took down the blinds and put up sheets of newspaper for privacy for meeting a mistress in there. That car must’ve been hers. Or his. You never know. Or maybe he’s doing something illegal in there of some kind. All I can say is that these people are weird! Always have been, and always will be. If he’s screwing someone in there, why go to the extreme of putting newspaper up? Why not just get down on the floor and screw with the lights off? Maybe the newspaper is so they can talk, eat, drink something or do whatever after they screw, but they want light for it and not to be seen. Why put newspaper on the sides of the house, though? What does he think I’d do - try finding a way to tell Lenore? Maybe it’s the girl next door on the other side of their house. Maybe they don’t want her boyfriend or husband to peek in on her if he were to go looking for her if she does have a boyfriend or a husband.

Later…

I woke up sooo tired at 7:15. Then at 8:50, I napped for a little over an hour. I prayed for help on this yesterday just to end up taking a nap. It sure makes me feel like a failure. If being a mom means being more tired than that 7 days a week, then there’s no way I can do it. There’d be absolutely no way I could ever handle it. Even when it does get to the point where they sleep all night, for the first 4-5 years they’re home all day. I couldn’t be sleeping when I’m supposed to be tending to its needs and keeping an eye on it.

What I need to do, though, is to stop saying what I would not be able to do with a kid, cuz there’s never really gonna be a kid no matter what he says or what I sense.

I sensed Robin after I prayed, which I’ll expand on later. Meanwhile, I find it ironic that videotapes are all playing with white fuzzy lines of static through them right after she visits.

Also, I think over the last couple of days since I prayed God did give me a sign and answer some questions.

Cutting down smoking was so much easier yesterday, suggesting that God just might want to help me with that and that He does think it’s an important issue.

Today’s sign was definitely reminding me that I can’t handle a kid. Maybe that saying about how God doesn’t give us more than we can handle is true for some people and I’m one of them. Should I even ask Him for a child when the answer seems so obvious? Should I just stick to the smoking, the Robin case, and do whatever I can do about the sleeping schedule?

Later…

I hope this journal will bring better luck with the issue of smoking, sleeping, and Robin. Yes, the kid is hopeless and I do see more and more why it’s not meant to be. Do I still have hard feelings, though? Yes. Especially when I see people with worse problems than I’ve got getting pregnant.

Right now I’m gonna go begin searching through those thousands of newsgroups.

Later…

I searched through some newsgroups for a while until I got knocked offline. So far I haven’t found anything.

I forgot to mention more about next door (my other case). When I saw him in there last night, I thought I saw the handlebar of a bike and saw him ride away on a bike this morning. If he could ride here by bike, then I don’t think they moved very far. But whose car was that which left shortly after he did? Why would he come stay at the house from 10 PM - 8 AM? He couldn’t have gone to sleep before I did which was around 1 AM, cuz I saw lights on through the newspaper. How the hell does this guy manage to sleep 4-5 hours every night? I’ve seen lights on very late at night and Lenore says he played the piano late at night.

If they weren’t desperate for a bigger house right away and if they are staying in Phoenix, why did they move before the house was sold? It really does sound like they’re running from something and hiding out.

Tom said the poster in their living room window has been gone for 3-4 days (the poster that mentioned the house’s features).

I still am baffled as to why he put newspaper up when all he had to do was pull the blinds down. He must’ve either taken the blinds or is trying to hide the fact that the house is vacant. Newspaper doesn’t do it, though. It’s obviously vacant without newspaper and even more so with it.

Tom said maybe he saw me spying. I highly doubt it. Plus, I saw him put newspaper in the front window which I can’t spy through.

When I got up the first time this morning, Tom was getting ready to leave. I commented that I wasn’t sure about the smoking and schedule thing and that there was no way I could have a kid. He said, “OK,” in such a relieved tone of voice. A tone that said, “Yeah, I know that’s not what I want. Thanks for saying that, though, cuz I haven’t been able to tell you the truth.” He’s told me by his actions and in his own little subtle ways. Like when he says shit like, “What are you gonna do? Go out and cheat on me to get pregnant?”

Well, I don’t feel good enough to be a mother cuz of my sleep schedule, he won’t quit playing his games, so I guess I would rather be miserable with wanting one here and there than miserable every day due to never sleeping enough and all its other hardships.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1995 The good news is that the sleep schedule’s going well, as well as cutting down on smoking. My lungs already feel a great deal better. I haven’t been waking up wheezing and this morning I only needed one shot of my inhaler. However, I am so tired this morning. I could’ve easily slept until around now. I had the alarm set for 8:00, then when it went off I hit the snooze for half an hour. Soon enough, though, I’ll wake up and feel more alert. The important thing is that I don’t feel sick. Thank God Tom hasn’t woken me up like I figured he wouldn’t. All he does is brag about the idea of sleeping a few hours, getting up and screwing, then falling back asleep for a few more hours. I said, “Tom, you’ve never woken me up for that and I certainly can’t see it as something you’d do.” His answer to that was, “You don’t know me.”

Ah, but I think I do.

I wish I knew what in the hell happened to a certain diary I had when I was around 13. I was in 7th or 8th grade and we lived in the second house we had in Longmeadow. We lived on Berkeley Dr. till I was around 12 and then on Birchwood Ave.

Anyway, in the second house, I remember having a small diary. I remember writing all kinds of BS in it, mainly about fantasies of women I had crushes on. I don’t remember what I last did with it. I never remember throwing it out and I never saw it again after becoming a ward of the state and leaving home pretty much permanently till age 18 at 15. During the ages of 15-18, I’m sure my mother went through whatever stuff of mine that was still left at the house. That diary included. How embarrassing! If my mother really did get ahold of it, and I can’t see who else could’ve, I’m sure she read it.

Later…

I’m making a chicken pot pie now. In the meantime, I found something Sarah said in her letter pretty ironic. About how she wants to feel and believe in God. Wants a sign that He exists, but sometimes she doesn’t have faith cuz of certain things that happen. Does that sound familiar, or what? So, anyway, I finally decided to do what I’ve been debating on doing for some time now and that’s to pray consistently. The worse that can happen is nothing. In my prayer, I explained my feelings. I don’t feel it’s necessary at this time to pray for help with the singing. Not with Tom around and his equipment and our plans and ideas combined. I did pray, though, for help on being able to keep cutting down on the cigarettes and possibly quit eventually. For help in finding out Robin’s name and if she’s dead or alive. For help getting pregnant or being able to accept and deal with never having a kid if that’s not in the cards. Tom told me yet again the other day that he felt God wanted and had it planned for me to be a mother, but wait till I tell you this! I know this sounds crazy and it really shocked the hell out of me. Tom didn’t seem shocked at all and it very well could be a false vibe, cuz that can happen when you want something. Although slight, I had the surest vibe ever that I may have a kid in 1997. The first month that came to me was January. The second month that came to me was September. How weird, huh? Like I said, though, it may be a bogus vibe, cuz I don’t see how the hell a child could fit into our cards. We don’t “qualify” and due to already being blessed with so many other things, what makes me think He’ll spoil me? No one gets it all.

Later…

Just ate that chicken pot pie. Now I think I’ll go start a letter to Sarah.

Later…

Shit! Fuck! Damn! Someone’s moving in. I thought I heard a dog in the truck or house which I assume will be kept out back 24/7 like all dogs are out here. All I saw was one guy around 25. He looks like a roughneck. The type to drink, do drugs, be a slut, and blast his music. He’ll probably have shitloads of company. This guy definitely looks like the dog and kid type. Don’t get me wrong, I believe 80% of the male population is anti-daddy. It’s just that most guys are irresponsible sluts who don’t give a shit how many women they knock up. He also looks like the type to attract irresponsible women. The type that doesn’t want kids, don’t think they’ll get pregnant cuz they don’t want them, but get pregnant anyway. Either that or they’re all too drunk or stoned to be responsible. I know I’m sounding very paranoid and judgmental, but I know just the type God would send me for a neighbor. Also, the M’s were quiet for 5-6 months, the music people have long been gone, so now it’s compensation time.

Later…

I just talked to Andy quickly and now he’s off to work. He’s vibeless as far as next door goes, but now is the perfect test for Robin. She told me I had nothing to worry about, so we’ll see. Andy said that maybe the guy lives there by himself. I doubt it. If so, all the more he’s gonna have company like crazy. Especially at his age. He could just be helping whoever else moves in there but doesn’t live there himself.

I also don’t remember seeing a sold sign out front and Tom didn’t mention seeing one, so who knows the scoop on that?

God’s gonna get me on this either way. If it isn’t lots of noise from whoever lives there, then it’ll be lots of noise from visitors. What’s weird is that so far I haven’t heard a damn thing. No dogs or kids, so obviously they’re not over there yet. They must be staying back at the old place so as not to get in the way of moving.

One good thing about our illiterate, game-playing mailman is that within a month or so, I know I can expect a piece of their mail. This way I’ll know their name which is always a nice thing to know.

When the M’s moved in, it was like, damn! They came in slamming, shouting, screaming, sliding, knocking, and banging up a storm! The whole street had to know when they arrived.

I’m gonna go out back now.

Later…

I didn’t hear anything out back. When I went to check for packages, all I saw was the truck with its back door open, but no people. I’m now sitting by the window in the music room and I still can’t hear anything going on, so obviously they haven’t brought the kids and dogs. I never heard any kids looking at the house with anyone, so the kids never came with them, or I was asleep. If the guy I saw is gonna live there, then at his age, what does he do to afford the down payment? He looks like he might be a construction worker. It’s so much easier to afford a house here in AZ and the down payments are so much lower, but 2-5 grand is still a lot of dough by itself.

I know it sounds funny for me to ask this, but why is it so quiet? I don’t even hear furniture moving, let alone voices. I’ve just got to enjoy it while it lasts cuz I’m sure that either later today or by tomorrow, those dogs and kids will have arrived.

Later…

Oh, goody! It was just a false alarm next door. I’ll get into that after, but first I’m gonna write my usual prayer to God and show it to Tom.

Dear God,

They say that Jewish people don’t usually pray, but a friend said it’s OK for anyone to do so.

I know there are people out there who need Your help more than I do. Also, I fully intend to put forth every ounce of effort I possibly can to obtain the following goals. However, if You (along with my husband) can provide me with extra strength to accomplish these goals, I’d really appreciate it.

Please help me keep doing well by cutting down on cigarettes and even possibly quitting someday.

Please help me to keep a schedule Monday - Friday.

Please help me find out who “Robin” is and to make contact with her by mail or phone to thank her for being so kind to me years ago if she’s alive.

Please help my husband and I complete our sex life and please allow us a child. If a child is not in our cards, please help me to be able to accept it and deal with it.

Later…

Right now Tom’s setting up the computer to show me how to research the Robin case.

Anyway, when Tom came home he told me there was no sold sign and that someone just used the driveway to park there. The truck left at 3:30. No wonder I heard no dogs or kids.

I have a moderate vibe of someone moving in in mid-October which makes sense. It’s cooler then, so all the more the kids can be out playing. I believe October is when the M’s moved in in 1993.

Later…

I’m out in the living room now with the TV on.

Tom showed me how the newsgroups on AOL advertise and leave messages about all kinds of things. There are people looking for pen pals and there are groups for businesses and just about every subject imaginable. So, my job is to find a group that may contain someone who may have attended the camp. Once I find the most promising areas, we’ll post the message and hope that someone will know something. Tom’s still sure that we’ll get a name. I asked him what the chances of people who were at that camp back then would be at having computers. He said pretty high since it was a Jewish camp that wasn’t publicly run like Girl Scouts or something like that. Also, he says that other campers that were there in the mid-70s are now young to middle age and according to Tom that’s the prime age group for those who own computers.

Later…

I’m watching an old rerun of Law & Order.

I didn’t write about the “thought test” Andy and I did yesterday. I told him to think of me anytime between 3 PM - 9 PM and that I’d let him know if I sensed it and at what time. I also told him to think of me before he was going to bed when I’d be asleep to see if I dreamt of him. I didn’t have any dreams at all and I sensed him thinking of me at 4:50, but he said he did at 3:30. Oh, well. Maybe it takes time for the thought waves to travel, as Andy said.

Later…

I’m watching Dateline now, a news show. The talk show business sure has grown. Just a few years ago there were only about 5 talk show hosts. Now it seems there are 15-20.

Soon I’ll be listening to music, then hopefully falling asleep not too late.

I just watched an interesting case. A guy was charged with assisting the suicide of his wife for the first time in Florida’s history. She was really upset, threatened suicide, the guy threw her a loaded gun and she shot herself. Naturally, he got off. Also, naturally, the guy jurors were more on his side than the woman jurors.

Tom read my daily prayer which I’ll do as consistently as I can for a while. He liked it and he believes my praying will work. That’d be nice, but we’ll see.

Earlier I made the comment to Tom that I hoped that I didn’t get my period too early again next month. We’re in the 9th month of the year, but I’ve already had 10 periods. He said he didn’t think I would, and that was just his opinion. Really? How does he come to that opinion? I never bothered asking. Is he considering the deadline for his date and other reasons why he just may let himself go? Nah - I’m not gonna bother trying to read silly things into his opinion due to my wishful thinking.

Now they’re discussing how closing arguments in the OJ case have begun. Closing arguments will go on for weeks. They say he’ll either be convicted, acquitted or there’ll be a hung jury.

He won’t be convicted.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1995 Got my period two days early.

At the end of last week, I got another 10-page letter from Sarah. It was really great. She really is a great writer and the best pen pal I’ve ever had for sure. Today I’m sending her 6 drawings. One of a girl I copied and some of Linda and Gloria. I’ve also got 10 animal pictures that I’ll be sending her in the near future.

Last Saturday at 5 PM, a couple of kids started to play basketball next door. Tom said that kids aren’t stupid and that if they see an obviously vacant house, they’re gonna want to use their basketball hoop. Great. That’s all I need till there are kids living over there that’ll be doing this every day for hours. The good thing about it was that they quit as soon as they started.

Tom put up the little white plastic shelf that I had in the bathroom on the wall by the side of the waterbed. This way I can have coffee without having to always hold it in my hand and worry about spilling it on the bed.

More accident news concerning Gloria. She and her husband are fine but apparently, their boat collided with someone else’s. I believe another couple was on the other boat. The woman survived, but the guy’s dead. Authorities say that Gloria and Emilio did nothing wrong, but they’re still investigating it and Tom said he heard that they’re gonna check Emilio’s alcohol level. I’ve never heard of him having a drinking problem, but we’ll see. You never know.

See what I mean about every blessing coming with a burden? Gloria got to break her back for reaching the peak of fame, and now this for having Emily, which was very doubtful cuz of her back. Makes me wonder what would happen to me or both Tom and I if we could have a kid and that kid would be a miracle kid too, just like Gloria’s what with the way he is and cuz of the DES.

We started yesterday with a new experiment as far as cigarettes are concerned. For a while there, I had been smoking approximately 25-30 cigarettes a day. We’re starting with a pack a day. I take a pack for the day and he’s gonna find a place to hide the rest of them. We’re gonna do this for a while till I get used to that, then we’ll probably have me smoke less. Also, if I have cigarettes left over from certain days, that gets taken and hidden away by Tom. He said once it equals 5 packs or so, I can buy something with that money. 5 packs usually cost about $8.

Tom said, “I could take all your cigarettes and tell you that I’m not buying anymore, but that way you’ll just freak out and crave one till you can get one.”

This way, we’ll wean me down without freaking me out and hopefully, I’ll be able to deal with the cravings without going bonkers.

Tom thought it’d be best if I do what he does and catch up on my sleep on the weekends like most people do and like I used to do when I was in school. So far it’s been working out fine and I hope it stays that way. Another scary thing about having a kid is that there’d be no catching up on sleep for years!

Tom said that tomorrow or Wednesday he’s gonna show me how to do the next step as far as finding out about Robin over the Internet without having to wait on him. He said it will be time-consuming, but this way I can be a detective on my own and have fun doing it and surprising him with whatever I may find out like I love to do. Great!

Later…

I just talked to Tammy who had her woodstove on! Haha! It’s only 50º there and it’s around 30º at night.

I also asked if Bill was OK, and she asked what kind of vibe I felt. Nothing too serious, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, last Friday night wasn’t too cool for me. I was PMSing pretty good and the anger at Tom and God was pouring right through me. I told him to stop teasing me with sex and the kid. I got the same reply as I always do.

I asked him what he thought about going to a doctor and telling them about our situation and seeing if they can find a way to get his sperm into me. I’m sure they can. He said not till we try ourselves. Oh yeah, that’s right. We’ve only screwed a few times. All the times before didn’t count.

In fact, just the very next day he teased me again. We were lying in bed discussing how great it’d be if I could quit smoking. Then I said, “So, give me a reason to quit for 24 hours.”

He said OK yet he never came a drop.

Then he told me later how I “misunderstood” him and that when he said OK, he meant he was trying to by Oct. 15th. Whatever. Then I said, “I know you. You’ll only do it once, when I can’t get pregnant, just to have me stop smoking for 24 hours, but not cuz you want to.” Then he said that a bet is still a bet. Fine.

Sometimes I just can’t deal with this alone and it just freaks me out. I feel that all I can do is get through the 5 days or so out of every month that this happens all by myself till it goes away. When I’m having anxiety about these issues, it feels like they’ll never go away.

No, we didn’t end up screaming and swearing at each other or threatening to leave each other and I felt better soon enough, but I just wish there were an end to this shit!

The weekend was great, though.

Later…

About the weekend - Tom recorded himself playing some keyboards. He says he’s so out of shape playing, but he sure is better than I ever was. The difference between my playing nowadays and back in 1989 is pretty sad.

We went over to his parents, but they were out. So, Tom took his key and we went in anyway. Tom did about 20 minutes of work on their computer.

She really did hang up the puzzle in her hall. Very crooked, though.

I can see where Tom gets his living style. Their house is absolutely filthy! Not one picture on the walls was straight. There were food crumbs all over the table and windowsills. They obviously quit dusting and vacuuming a long time ago. There was clutter everywhere and papers all over the floors. The walls and ceilings are peeling and dirty. I’ll bet that the only reason why that house never reeks is cuz they always run their EC or have the door and windows open. I guess raising 5 kids will do that to you. You get used to living where things are messy, cluttered, and even filthy, cuz that’s how it is with kids. Unless you’ve got a mother like I had. No thanks.

Afterward, we went to Denny’s, then to Old America where I got a puzzle. It was of paperweights of 35 different colors, designs, and patterns. I finished it in less than 5 hours and it’s now on the wall in the music room.

Surprisingly enough, I am seeing a slight improvement in my nails. Tom noticed it, too. Guess I’ll keep taking those calcium tablets.

Tom’s not home now. He will be soon, though.

I threw Tom off. I really began my period on the 24th, but said I began it on the 23rd. On the 8th, which he’ll think is 14 days after my period, we’ll see if he’s conveniently unavailable to screw for whatever reason.

God, cutting down on the cigarettes has been hard! I want one now but know I should wait at least 45 minutes.

Later…

I spoke to Andy earlier who agrees more and more that thought vibration really exists. He said he had been thinking of Marla a lot the night he had me call her and that when she called him, she told him the same thing. So, if Robin’s really alive, she was thinking of me for sure when I first wrote about her, according to Andy. Yeah, I believe thought vibration could really exist, but only if the two people know each other. For example, I don’t exist in Gloria’s life, she doesn’t know me, therefore if I were to think of her, she couldn’t possibly think of me, too. Andy said you just don’t always know who starts it. However, it seems that all my thoughts and experiences with Robin just came to me suddenly. No events or anything seemed to lead to it. I asked him, if she were alive, does he think this means that she started to think of me first? He said yes.

Later…

Got a letter from Kim. She also sent two pictures of her with two other fat ugly women. She and one of the women were wrapping the other woman’s hair. This was in Greenfield. She said that if I send the pictures back, she’ll send them to Michelle. She didn’t look too bad in these pictures. I’ve seen her take worse pictures. Her hair still looks the same, as well as her clothes. She still wears that beeper that goes off every 5 minutes.

Andy and I were discussing what little we know so far about Gloria and Emilio’s boating trouble. He said their boat didn’t look as spectacular as he thought it would and it reminded him of the cabin cruisers we’d see around the beaches in CT. He pointed out how those things can go pretty fast and therefore, someone had to be going really fast and maybe was drunk for such an accident to occur. The other couple was actually riding a water jet skier and it sounds to me like they may have been drunk or careless cuz it’s a lot easier to maneuver a 32-inch boat such as Gloria has. I’ve never heard of any report concerning Gloria or Emilio drinking or doing drugs, but they’ve got kids, so who knows, even though I doubt it as Tom does. I told Tom and Andy that I felt that even if the pigs found they were obviously drunk, they wouldn’t get arrested. Every pig loves a show. Especially one that’ll give them publicity, but mostly I feel they’d let them off the hook cuz they’re rich, famous, and have kids. Tom said it’s the other way around. That pigs are more conscious of shit involving the rich cuz they don’t want the rich to feel they can get away with shit. Maybe, maybe not, but O.J. Simpson’s gonna walk, I’m sure. The jury is probably terrified to render a guilty verdict due to fear of another riot.

We screwed earlier and now Tom’s watching TV before he crashes. At 8:00 I’ll be watching a movie, then will probably crash around 10:00.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1995 Tom’s in the shower now. After, we’re gonna go over to his parent’s house, then out to eat.

I have a lot to write about, but I’ll have to do it later.

Oh, got another letter from Sarah yesterday.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1995 It sure is hot out. There’s not one cloud in the sky, yet it feels humid.

Boy, was I sexually frustrated this morning! And a bit confused last night. Last night I thought we both understood that he’d go down on me and then we’d screw. Well, he went down on me but said he’d prefer to screw in the morning. I thought it was cuz he was tired, but then he was working on something in the back room. So then I said I’d like to ask him a question so I could better understand him. He said sure. I asked him how he had the gusto to work on stuff, but not to screw. He said, “I do have the gusto. I just prefer the morning. Can’t we do what I want?”

But all we do is what he wants.

Then he also said he still enjoyed going down on me, even though he was the doer and not the receiver. It got him hard and feeling good.

Weird!

Afterward, he did go in the bathroom for a good 10-15 minutes or so and it didn’t smell like he took a dump, so he very well could’ve relieved himself.

My guess as to why he chose not to screw last night is probably cuz he was built up enough and feared he’d lose control and cum. He really does seem to not only enjoy making me wait on stuff but also enjoy teasing me sexually. I don’t think he enjoys teasing me sexually as much as whatever’s up there, though.

Also, we discussed this waiting shit which I’ll get into in a little while.

Later…

Tom brought up a good point about why things get delayed. It’s hard to prioritize them at times. For example, the bed is a high priority, but we can’t treat it that way cuz we won’t have $600 to spare soon. Especially if we’re gonna save up to go back east in May. Priorities can abruptly change too, throwing off all the original plans. I may prefer a kid over going back east, but I know that’s just a fantasy, therefore, I’m gonna strive for the trip in May. Now, he says he prefers the kid over the trip too, but I know that’s bullshit, therefore, I’m sure he’s really knowingly, intentionally, and willingly doing all he can to enable us to go in May.

Well, I covered what was confusing and weird last night about sex (that’s Tom for you) and now I’ll cover what had me frustrated and a bit pissed. We fell asleep together last night saying we wanted a romantic morning (this morning). But what did I do at 5:00 when his alarm went off? Woke up wheezing. And he says it’s not a coincidence and that nothing’s trying to get in our way and tell us something? Fuck that shit!

Again, I ask myself - why do I set myself up? Why do I let myself be let down? Why do I let myself be sexually teased, be it by Tom or by upstairs? Why do I let him tease me about a kid? Don’t I have more respect for myself than that? How can sex be so great, yet so complicated?

I made an appointment to see Dr. Rausch on October 16th at 4:40. Hope that’ll be no problem for Tom.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1995 I’m working on a project for Tom. I’m going through my signing book and picking out the most common words used. Then I’m typing them up for him to film me signing the list so he can learn some signs. I told him, though, we’re talking about 400 or so signs and I’d appreciate not having to do all this work for nothing. So, I let him know that if he really wants me to do this and isn’t gonna just let the tape sit around and forget all about it, I’ll do it. He says he wants me to do it, but I still wonder just how many months it’ll be before he checks it out once or twice. Everything’s a waiting game for him. All he can do to put off anything and everything, he does. He’ll never read my story and if he says he’s got no time, it is an excuse to me. He could read a few pages before bed and while he was watching TV.

If only he was neater and didn’t procrastinate or play sex and baby games with me, he’d be perfect. But none of us are perfect, right?

He’s got me by the neck on Robin’s case. As long as he takes to do the next step which I can’t do myself, I’m stuck.

Later…

See? It always works. I hadn’t heard from Sarah in a while, so I sent her two envelopes two days ago and just got a 10-page letter from her today. I had feared she may have written and that her letter didn’t get here. The mailman fucks up still and today I got a piece of mail to Irene Wheeler. I don’t think anyone can be so stupid that often and that it’s accidental. I think he’s playing games.

Later…

Andy called for me to read him Sarah’s letter, so that’s why I didn’t write much before. I hope Sarah writes to Andy, cuz he’ll read it to me. Sarah really loved my letter and hers was friendly, open and honest. She’s definitely the best pen pal I’ve ever had and says to look for another letter.

I sure got some color today. The pool’s pretty cool, but not yet unbearable. I’ll have to tell Tom that the thermometer in the spa’s broken. The one in the main part of the pool’s OK, though.

Tom says the U-Haul leaves daily, but someone parks it there at night.

I have an idea that I’m gonna experiment with to keep myself on a day schedule. Every day, except on Fridays, I’ll set my alarm for 7 AM. Fridays will be catch-up days, so I’m not beat and bitchy over the weekend. This way, if I end up only sleeping from 3 or 4 AM to 7 AM, I can catch up. I think that’ll be better and less stressful for me if I do it that way, rather than every day.

I asked Andy if he thinks I’ll get Gloria’s introductory kit soon. He says that could be bullshit. It’s been about a year, so yes, that could be bullshit.

As I figured, Tom said it’d be fine if I used the Christmas cards. I’m sending 1 to Alex, 1 to Andy, 4 to Kim, and 4 to Bob.

Later…

Tom’s digesting his dinner. Then we’re gonna play around and after I cum and he doesn’t, I’ll start winding down till I crash.

Law & Order was disappointing. The 4th cop on the show is gone. Why does everyone quit that show? That’s 6-8 people that are gone now and have been replaced.

I forgot to make an appointment with Dr. Rausch after October 1st. I’ll do it tomorrow.

What else can I say at this time? Not much. I’ll have all the signs typed up tomorrow. I told that to Tom and he said he wants to go over it with me then and give me feedback.

I also got my puzzle book in the mail today.

Andy’s roommate Michelle has also been in fan clubs of various people. She says the response time varies from when you fill out a form to join. She said Fleetwood Mac took a while. She never heard from Laura Branigan, but Pat Benatar and Sheena Easton were punctual.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 1995 My day’s been off to a fun and romantic start.

The U-Haul is still next door, but now the blinds are shut.

I just came in from outside. This winter I don’t want my tan lines to get barely noticeable like all the other winters I’ve been out here.

That damn cat Oreo is beginning to be a problem and I wish I had a pellet gun or a bow and arrow. It shits all over the yard and it fucking stinks!

Andy was right when he said Marla was full of hot air about leaving me a message on AOL. I’ve gotten nothing from her. I haven’t even heard from Alex lately. Did he go to Alaska yet?

I tried to look up Marla and Evan, but couldn’t find them. Also, for the hell of it, I tried looking up different spellings of the name that came to me and I found some, but nothing really meant anything to me. There wasn’t even any in Maine or Massachusetts. There were a few in New Jersey, one in Connecticut, and a few in a few other states.

Later…

Someone may have been working around the house next door, but I’m not sure where it was coming from. It could’ve been from one of several different houses. As close as these houses are, there’s no way to tell for sure.

I left Andy a message and read him the sexual bullshit stories of two women I’m writing Sarah. I can only think of so many serious things to write her, so I asked Andy what’s the best bullshit topic to write about and he said sex. I’m sending Sarah two envelopes today. One contains a 4-page letter and the first 4 pages of Robin’s story. The other envelope contains the remaining 8 pages of Robin’s story.

Did I send Bob the Robin case? Yeah, I think I did, but he hasn’t said anything about it. That’s the thing with Bob - I ask him to tell me what he thinks of a certain thing or ask him a question and most of the time I get no answer.

Later…

I just threw a TV dinner in the mic.

I’m pre-cramping, bloated and constipated - yuck! The low-grade fever was back earlier at 99.1. Luckily, this cold was so barely noticeable that I don’t even know if I can call it a cold. After I cranked up the EC, splashed cold water on myself, and laid down for a few minutes, I felt much better.

Later…

I just ate whatever I could of my TV dinner. I don’t have too much of an appetite.

It’s amazing how every time I go outside, there are flocks of birds and pigeons on the loose block wall pieces where I feed them. Even if there’s no food, they’re there.

I beaded two 2” strands to hold all my barrettes since I’ve decided I want them all in the same area. I only left 3 barrettes in the bedroom that are uglier. I have these strands holding about 20 barrettes in the music room and there are also about 8-10 on the cord to the blinds.

Tom and I only slept for about 6 hours. He got up at 11 PM and I got up at 4 AM. I could tell he was instantly horny, which was nice, and he was rubbing against me. He told me to have my coffee and wake up and that he’d wait for me in the bedroom. He went to pee first, and I could be wrong cuz I was still half asleep, but it seems to me he had plenty of time to beat off. The other day I asked him if a guy could cum, then reharden and cum again a few minutes later. His answer was, “Yeah. It varies.”

I don’t know what to think or do, but I’m completely powerless over him. He won’t budge. It’s sad too, cuz this isn’t some asshole that’s doing this. This is a great person.

He told me the other day that he was honored that I love him enough to have a kid with him. It’s sweet to hear this. Then again, it doesn’t mean anything. When someone’s actions don’t go with their words, then what are you supposed to feel and think? His actions say to me, Hey, I’m scared. More so than you and that’s pretty damn scared. I have no faith in you as a mom, I don’t want it, etc.

He also told me the other day that since we’ve been sleeping together, the sex has been better than he ever imagined it could be. Yeah, so much better that he forgot to cum.

Also, as far as he’s concerned, two good screws are all we’ve had. Now that’s pretty low and insulting. So is he saying that all the other times we screwed didn’t matter or count in any way? Did he lie all those times he said it was great?

He also told me we are trying for a kid, and not to give up after only “two good screws.” Whether or not he thinks we’ve had one good screw or a million good screws, we’re not trying for a kid. We’re just fooling around and having fun. Trying for a kid means having fun and cumming in my book.

He just loves to insult and tease me with the issue of sex and a kid which he’ll deny all his life. Also, if God isn’t a hoax, then He really is damn against me having a kid. I haven’t prayed consistently, but I’ve made my wish, along with other wishes, well enough known to Him. The answer’s obviously no. If He really exists, then He knows I can’t quit smoking on my own. He obviously doesn’t want me to quit or else wouldn’t He give me the strength I need to quit? Tom said if he were God, he’d want the prayer asked every day for a while. Would God really interpret that as the person really wanting it that much? Or would He feel the person was being pushy, demanding, and selfish?

This is a long shot, but if Tom’s planning on cumming and us having a kid, he may have reasons for wanting to wait. Although he strikes me as someone who will always have reasons to wait.

We set a goal for me to make a CD by September 1996. As far as I’m concerned, it’s never gonna happen or will happen way later. I feel this way due to so many other things taking so much longer to happen. There are still things we said we were gonna do when we first met that we haven’t done cuz he’s either busy or not in the mood. I know it’ll be months before he ever helps me continue with the Robin case.

Anyway, he may want to wait cuz of my needing my teeth worked on, cuz of the trip in May, and cuz of the CD and other things like getting the business started and getting more money.

He swears we can afford a kid now, he knows money, etc. But $16,000 a year for 3 people? I don’t think so. We’d need more like $25,000 - $30,000.

He said, though, that the only way to get me going and motivated is for us to try for all our goals at once. Please! Does he think I’m stupid? I can just see myself trying to tell someone that. Oh yeah, we’re trying for a kid now. He doesn’t cum, but we really are trying for that kid! Right! Sounds pretty off the wall and ridiculous to me.

The trip in May could only be canceled by a lack of time and money. Nothing else, unless one of us gets in an accident or deathly ill, or if there were a crisis in his family. As I told Tom the other night, I have mixed emotions about that trip, whether or not we had a kid. I’d have preferred them to come out here first. We’re gonna be totally bored at the Bat mitzvah (I will be). Tom will hate the food. I’ll hate that climate and worry about my asthma and allergies. I’ll hate the bad memories from the place as well.

Later…

Well, well. The U-Haul’s gone. Someone’s definitely over there cuz their screen door’s open. It’s got to be only one adult. Probably the Realtor. They have a really nice security door. The kind we hope to get one of these years. However, due to the antics that’ll be part of everyday life moving in next door, I doubt I’ll want the door open.

Tom can also procrastinate trying to fix the bent window in the music room for all I care. However, it’d be nice to have it open late at night. If they have their window open late at night, though, which is only about 20 feet away, and if they’re up - forget it.

An organization for paralyzed veterans sent 10 free Christmas cards which I’m sure Tom will let me have for Kim and Bob. I loved the way they printed up the free address labels they also misspelled the last name. Haha

Tonight begins the season premiere of the new shows, including Law & Order. So, I’ve got a whopping 10-15 new shows to look forward to.

Mom S. called last night with nothing important, just a funny story about the cable guy. I guess he confused certain wires with phone wires.

She liked the squirrel and the other animal I shaded in (can’t remember what the other animal was) and is going to crochet it. She also liked the puzzle and hung it on her wall in the hall.

Lastly, she said the video of me at age 4 looked like a miniature of me today. She says when she looks at her sons’ pictures at that age, she isn’t sure who’s who.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1995 It’s much dryer out, or drier, out there today, so that’s good.

My cold (if it really is one) is so barely noticeable and a joke compared to colds I’d get back east and when I first came here.

It’s very unusual for me to sleep 8 hours, then sleep for 4 more 4 hours later, but I obviously needed it and it helped.

Again - thank God for no baby at this time, cuz I wouldn’t have been able to get that sleep I needed. Especially with Tom going off to work.

I’m gonna go try to sing a bit, then I’ll update stuff after.

Later…

Just sang about 5 songs which didn’t make my throat sore like it did yesterday.

Earlier I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed all the carpet. That made me feel a little hot and dizzy, so I revived myself by throwing myself in the pool as chilly as it’s gotten to be.

I’m still feeding our local birds here, which includes about 8 pigeons. Yesterday morning when I went outside there was not one bird in sight. Seconds later, they lined up on the electrical lines one by one to be fed. Now they’re always out there, even if there’s no food. I took a few pictures earlier.

Goldie called last night at about 6:30. I was asleep, but Tom talked to her. She was calling to say goodbye. They’re home now and hopefully, they got my letter.

I don’t believe I’ve written about the “echo edits” yet. Tom made an echo effect with an old monitor.

I just had to stop to sneeze and blow my nose. Then when I stuck a Band-Aid over the bridge of my nose it stopped instantly. I wish I knew this trick in Springfield! However, I was severely cursed there and was destined to suffer.

I’m making Tom Hamburger Helper for when he comes home.

Anyway, Tom and I sang into the mike which I recorded off of the living room stereo speakers. I sang and laughed and we both said whatever. I mocked a few edits. It sounds really cool and I love how each thing overlaps the different things we recorded.

I’ll write about what Kim sent after I finish cooking.

Later…

Well, someone’s watering the yard next door. If it’s not a Realtor, then I think it could be someone the M’s know. There’s a blue Blazer parked in front of the U-Haul that I think I’ve seen before. I hear someone rustling around out there, but that’s all.

Oh, how I wish it could stay this way forever! Soon the peace will be shattered by the constant sounds of kids and dogs. How much do you want to bet that God will have them move in right as the weather cools down? Even if there were one unpopular kid over there who’s an outcast, there’ll be dogs to deal with and then, in that case, I’m sure they’ll have way more company than the M’s.

Anyway, Kim sent me a letter and 4 pictures of her apartment It’s not as dumpy as she made it sound, even though it’s not like the ones we had on Elm St. It’s small but more modern than I thought.

She sent me the rappers. You take a ¼-½” piece of hair and wrap different colors of embroidery floss around it. It looks a little tacky and is sort of heavy if I do a piece from the root to the end, so I did 2 partials. At my left temple, I did a braid, then wrapped 2 inches about 2 inches above the ends. Under my right ear, I wrapped it 2 inches below my roots to 2 inches above my ends. I used pink and blue that came with the pamphlet for the one that’s braided. Then I used blue, black, yellow and orange for the other one. I ran out of red, purple and other color flosses. It’s pretty easy to do, but it takes time. Since I don’t need the pamphlet, I’m sending it to my nieces.

Since we’re not rich, I wish I could just quit smoking! A catalog came today with all kinds of clothes that are totally me. I added up everything I liked and it came to $600. Good, God! Why must everything be so expensive?

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1995 Yesterday was a pretty good day. We screwed and he also went down on me. If he wasn’t really aroused, then he was doing a fine job of acting. Every time he was getting really close, he’d slow down or stop. And I thought I was scared to get pregnant! I am, even though it’s what I want, but little did I know I’d meet anyone more scared. Hey, he’s a guy and that’s how most guys are about the issue.

It’s nearly impossible to get pregnant 9-10 days before your period, anyhow. However, I wish there were a way to compromise with him, even though you can’t compromise about a baby. You either have one or you don’t.

I’m trying not to be so obsessed with the issue, as well as to continue to accept that it can never be. Sometimes it’s as easy to do as it is to say. Other times I feel like I’m just gonna freak out cuz I can never have a child. It’s sooo hard sometimes. Like I’ve said before, though, I do not doubt in my mind that this will get easier each year and that when it’s too late to get pregnant anyway, I’ll be very happy and grateful it turned out that way, just as I’m very glad and grateful that I never got pregnant by Ron or Bruce.

Late last night and yesterday afternoon, Tom said he saw a U-Haul parked in the driveway next door. We haven’t seen or heard anyone, so who knows what the scoop is?

I wonder if I’ll get Kim’s package today.

I’m rather surprised I haven’t heard from Sarah yet. I only hope to hell she didn’t send her second letter and that it didn’t get to me. I think I’ll start a letter to her.

Later…

Andy’s on the phone now, so I left him a message about what I’m about to say. Sarah likes serious letters but I can only think of so much serious stuff to write about, whether a lot’s going on or a little’s going on. Therefore, since I’ll never really be friends with her and probably never meet her, I’ll just type up some serious-sounding tall tales for her. Gotta wake Tom up at 5:00, but for now, I’ll go start Sarah’s letter. Watch, I’ll get one from her the day I mail hers out. I’m holding off on Kim’s till I get her mail.

Today, tomorrow, or the next day, Tammy should get the 3 disks we’re sending her.

Later…

Sarah’s gonna be happy. She’s gonna be receiving two envelopes from me. One will have the Robin case, the other a letter.

That U-Haul is still over there, but I haven’t heard any kids or dogs yet.

I don’t feel too great right now and have a sore throat, so I will write later.

Later…

I’m already feeling better. The fact that Goldie and Al are leaving today was on my mind, and so was the fact that I can never have a child. Nonetheless, my sore throat is better and my temperature has gone from 99.4 to 99.1.

I managed to dust the place, clean the microwave, and vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. Tomorrow I’ll do the bathroom and vacuum the rest of the house.

Just called the weather line to see what they say. Yuck! 47% humidity, only a high of 100 dgs. The bright side of it is that in a couple of days, it will be drying up.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1995 I was up for quite a while yesterday (20 hrs) but got a lot done.

We didn’t have sex yet, but we’ll see. I asked him if the bet I know I’ll win is still on. He says yes, but give him an extra week. That’s fair, but fair or not, he’ll always need an “extra week” till the day he dies.

I got up shortly after midnight and was shocked to find Tom up.

He went to his parents’ house to work on Mary’s car. She was there as well as Nickolena. It took hours and hours to work on the car. Much longer than anyone anticipated, but Mary gave him $40 which was nice.

He showed his parents the video and his parents agreed that I looked Nickolena’s age of 16 months when I was 4. Also, Tammy looks older. She seems to be the only one in the family who looks either her age or older.

She was also happy with the puzzle.

Bad news for the printing program. It won’t run on certain older computers with certain software. Now who knows how long it’ll take him to find the problem and fix it? His attitude is absolutely amazing, though. He feels setbacks help him learn so he can move forward. True, but I’d really want to throw in the towel, if not then, drop dead. I tend to believe that the longer something doesn’t happen or go right, it wasn’t meant to be and in a sense, I’d be going against God and fighting His wishes. Tom says don’t try so hard and then things will come to you, but most people say you have to try and work for what you want. It won’t just come to you on a silver platter.

Got a postcard from Gloria’s fan club saying my introductory order will arrive soon. I’m looking forward to it, but I hope all her pictures aren’t current ones.

I got an herb catalog too, that I’d like to check out with Tom.

Later…

After Tom had a shitty day yesterday, I decided he shouldn’t have to have anything to do with laundry or making food. So, I washed and hung both loads of laundry out on the line, made spag, and made him a sandwich.

Just as the sun was on its way up was when I was outside. There must’ve been 100 birds out there with that same look Piggy gives me when I get up that says, feed me! There were 8 pigeons, so that was cool.

Tom’s in the shower now, then he’s going food shopping. Then I assume we’ll do some playing around. Well, there is a bright side to sex being only for me and that is that I enjoy it and love to get off. Better that one of us is into it than neither of us, huh?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 1995 When Tom came home last Thursday he said I was gonna say, I told you so! Then he told me they offered him a full-time position at work. I told him I had a strong feeling he wouldn’t have to get a part-time job and that almost all of my strong feelings are right.

Yesterday we had a long talk about our situation that I wrote about and even read him what I wrote. I know nothing can ever be consistently good, but I just wish there weren’t so many things getting in the way of good sex. Why can’t we go for longer periods where sex is good? It’s not that I don’t ever want to have sex again, it’s just that I want to feel that he’s a part of it too. I want to feel more pleasing to him.

He brought up a point when he said, “I just couldn’t get into it, but it wasn’t your fault. We all have our days when we can’t get into a lot of different things.”

True.

He brought up another good point when he told me to imagine how I’d feel if he were the one giving up on me as far as the sex goes, the singing, the business, and whatever else. True as well. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to go running around in circles with him all my life, either.

Early in the morning, we’re gonna do some recording and videotaping of us playing guitar, keyboards, and singing. If we don’t complete the video this weekend, then we agreed on a goal of completing it by next weekend.

He set up an awesome thing, though. We talked, laughed, and sang through the mike and out the speakers and it came out with reverb and would echo about 5 times. It makes you sound edited, but each edit overlaps the other, unlike my edits. I ran an old edit tape from one box, through the mike and out of the speaker and into another box. It sounded OK but was a little distorted and bassy. There was static too, or buzzing or hissing, or whatever the hell you want to call it.

I left Andy a few messages with my evil laughter as well as me singing and talking. He thought it was cool. I’ll have to play some for Tammy and my parents one of these days. For Kim, too.

I wonder if tomorrow or Monday I’ll get that hair thing from Kim. Probably Monday.

Tomorrow is when we’ll probably send Tammy’s disks out to her.

There’s something set up wrong, cuz I can’t get into AOL to see if there are any messages from Marla or Alex.

Got a letter from Bob today who had nothing new to really say. He also sent me an article that he wants me to send to Kim. The girl in the article, Tom and I agreed, was pretty stupid for bringing her stuff in and not just the auto registration. Tom says he thinks it’s another visitor who stole her stuff from the prison she visited.

Later…

I’m making a chicken pot pie now.

I began to type up the beginning of this book, but now that I’ll be done with it, it’ll make it easier. It’s a pain in the ass when I want to write, then realize it’s out by the computer, just when I made myself comfy. I know my next book won’t include Tom cumming, but I sure hope it brings better sex. I just want to feel normal about it like a whole woman. Not some freak of a sexual outcast. Yes, it’s true that when we start sex we may not be able to get into it. Or, don’t think we can get into it, but do, but I just don’t want these weekly setbacks with problems and excuses of various kinds.

How can it be so muggy with the EC on? Even Tom had said it felt muggy earlier, but it doesn’t feel muggy outside. Better go switch the AC back on now.

Later…

I just ate and had a cigarette which I’m trying not to do much of.

It’s a pretty dark night out. Can’t read the writing on the top step of the pool, let alone see the drain. There are several stars out. It’s cloudless, though, which makes it darker. Clouds seem much lighter than the dark sky with no clouds.

Anyway, I began a letter to Bob which I’ll go finish. That’ll go out tomorrow, along with Goldie and Al’s welcome home letter.

Later…

Just finished Bob’s letter.

I can’t believe there’s still no one next door, but oh how I love it!!!!!!!! It’s great not hearing dogs and van doors that sound like they’re right in front of my face! Boy, am I gonna get compensated for this! Thank God I love music and fans, cuz I’m gonna really need them. I’ll miss these quiet peaceful nights. And days, too. I’ll miss the times of hearing only Tom talk if that’s all I want to hear. Soon enough I won’t be able to hear the TV and TV alone. There’ll be bouncing balls, screaming, and car doors with it. Oh, how I’ll miss these times!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1995 I was just too goddamn fucking out of it to write earlier. Plus, Tom wanted to talk. Before I write up on what blew my fuse, I’ll mention a few other things.

Andy said he heard that Karson moved to Paysen. This is just a rumor, but I hope it’s true.

Andy loved the artwork on the envelope I sent. That striped design I put on the cover of the journal he gave me. The funny thing about it is that he’s posting it in the laundry room of his complex.

Mom and Dad called us tonight. They got their bird to say a few things. It will be on America’s Funniest Videos soon.

Mom gave me an awesome suggestion, and once again, it feels so good to have her bring up suggestions about stuff I’m into. She said she got the idea from a picture of me that I sent her with me standing in front of the block wall by our pool. She said there was a block wall around their pool on Nettles Island (I don’t remember it) and that people into art painted it a solid light blue-green, then painted in fish, manatees, lobsters, seaweed, etc. That’s an awesome idea! In fact, I want to go check something out, so I’ll write about other bullshit later.

Later…

I think my parents will like their next envelope. Bordering the bottom of the back of it, I drew fish, seaweed, and a starfish. Also, I’ve outlined that scheme on the wall in the music room.

Andy was supposed to call at 5:00 for me to call his dad. Guess he fell asleep.

Now I’ll get into the shit that began yesterday morning. I had been feeling so good. So much better about our sex lives than ever, and Tom had said he felt the same way. Last night, though, I got to wondering - what if he feels like he’s losing control and may cum and is therefore scared of me getting pregnant? So, yesterday morning I started doing him with my hand, then he came out and said he couldn’t get into it cuz it was too planned and not spontaneous enough. There’s always a fucking excuse!!! So, finally I told him. “Look, I’ve had it. Just when I felt better than ever, you pull this and make me feel like a freak.”

All cuz our sessions are sometimes planned? Give me a break! I’m so psychologically sick of this and these sex and baby games. I can never be good enough or do anything right sexually for long enough. There’s always got to be a problem, excuse or setback and I’m so fucking sick of it.

Why do I bother? Why should I bother when all will go well for a week or two and then there will be another problem that he’ll swear isn’t my fault but will imply otherwise that he may as well say it’s my fault?

He does a great job of making me feel like I’m not good enough sexually. We’re just not compatible sexually. I never had this fucking problem with women.

Then he tells me that in his mind, we just started. Every fucking week he’ll say that!

He tells me he won’t ask me for sex, but he’s not afraid of me having a kid, don’t give up, it’ll get better, everything has its setbacks. Fuck this shit! There are too many setbacks and I’m fed up. I’ve had all I can take and refuse to go through this month after month and year after year.

He told me that the only negative thing about when I woke him up for sex was that it seemed to him like I came into the room, we did whatever, then I left.

Now he tells me this? Why didn’t he tell me before?

So, I was right. Sex is all one big act on his part. He’s not really into it. He just does it to please me. I wonder how many other hidden negatives he has. From what I’ve learned and have seen, people who lust or lust and love each other can get off anywhere whether it’s planned or not.

I’m just sick of feeling like an isolated freak who’s all alone in this situation. Things go OK for a while, then there’s a problem and while he swears he’s not blaming me, it’s here’s what I can do to help him. But only HE can help himself! If he doesn’t want to cum, I can’t make him do it or help him.

He explained his weird feelings about the injection. He said my getting the injection would block/pressure him during sex cuz he’d be sad we couldn’t start a family and he’d have to adapt to that. Oh, boo hoo, poor baby! Well, how the fuck does he think I feel knowing, OK, we’re gonna screw now, but we can’t start a family cuz he won’t cum?

Then I also have to go through the feelings of feeling like half a woman. I don’t feel one bit sorry for him. Not one fucking bit and how the hell can I ever have any kind of sex with him again with all this shit hanging over my head? There’ll just continue to be one problem after another where I’ll feel like a sexual outcast. Well, I’m retiring from this game. I’m not gonna have my head played with and I don’t care whether it’s intentional or not. I’m sooooooo fucking sick of it!!!!!!!!!!

He tells me that by not trying to improve our sex lives and have a kid I’m punishing him. Yeah, I’m punishing him. Just like he punished me with these issues, but that’s a small part of it. The big part of it is that I cannot have sex with someone who I feel is literally abusing and playing with my head with it. I can’t let someone touch me whose heart I feel really isn’t in it, who’s doing it for me and not us, who says they want a kid but doesn’t.

Then he has the nerve to totally contradict himself by saying I have more hope for better sex and a kid than he does and that’s why I’m more emotional about it and how he feels trapped and hopeless. Bull fucking shit! I have below 0% hope and that’s how I know it’ll always stay. How the fuck can he think I don’t feel more trapped, powerless and hopeless, cuz that’s exactly what I am!

There will be no kid with or without sex. There will be no sex, cuz I can’t fucking deal with it anymore. We’re just gonna have to deal with taking care of our own sexual needs.

He also came out and said that by throwing away the sex and kid I’m throwing away the singing and the business. Yeah, right! What the fuck have they got to do with each other?

Can’t this guy be as good, sweet, and as loving in bed, as out of bed? Well, I gave him two years’ worth of a chance and he blew it. He’s never even been half as physical with me as most couples are. He’ll just never open up, loosen up and let go sexually. I did try to help him, but only he can take charge and do that. He never did, so I’m beyond caring or wanting to bother. He’ll have to think of new games to play with me.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1995 Hey, I just wrote 3 songs!

Got some fairly shocking, yet nice news to start with. This may happen once a year, but yesterday’s sex was awesome. As soon as he was inside me, I said to myself, wow! He’s closer than he’s ever been. Then I said, nah. He tells me he’s almost always close. Sure enough, though, when we were done he said he’s never been that close and that there’s no comparison to how close he was then within the past. I know not to count on this being a common occurrence, but it sure made me feel good. More normal and womanly, I guess. He took my hope of having a kid which is usually between 0% - 1% and made it 2%. I had about a second there where I feared possibly having to go with no smokes for 24 hours.

He said to me, “I’m doing lousy with the weight bet, but I’m gonna win this one, so you better get used to the idea of that 24 hours with no cigarettes.”

I’m still 98% - 99% sure he won’t cum, but if he only cums once at a time of the month that I can’t get pregnant only for the sake of me having to not smoke for 24 hours, I’m gonna be pissed!

I spoke to Andy who’s thrilled that his money problems are solved due to Michelle moving in. Now his rent will only be $175. This is also a good way to see how well they can live together for the next 6 months when his lease is up. We both think it’ll work out fine cuz he gets along better with Michelle than he did with Bug.

I called Marla for him cuz he wanted me to have her call him. Marla says she’ll be sending me an email on AOL. Tomorrow at 2:00 I’ll be calling his father so he can wish him a happy birthday, and he’ll pay us back.

I haven’t read Andy my songs yet, but Tom saw them, of course. He rated Walk Towards the Light a 7, Entity an 8, and Unplanned Fate a 9 with the potential to be a 10.

I sang earlier and recorded myself singing and playing the guitar to The Sweetest Gift.

Later…

Andy’s gonna be calling, so I may get cut off.

I asked Tammy if she got a tape from Mom and Dad and she got the same one I got on her birthday.

Tom got more work done on the back room and with other stuff than I thought. I guess the reason it seemed differently is cuz I’ve never been that busy or had so much stuff.

I took those same plastic notes I traced on the wall and traced them on an all-white T-shirt. Then I colored them in. I’ve had these notes for 10 years and little did I know just how useful they’d be.

Later…

I finally got ahold of Kim who’s doing fine and miraculously will be able to have kids. She’ll be out of work for one more week. She said she got all kinds of single sheets of stationery for 37 cents apiece in Maine before her surgery. She stood with her mother the first night, was throwing up and sore, but is much better now. Afterward, she stood with her grandmother in Maine for 3 days.

She also received that hair thing, so she’s gonna send me that, pictures, and a letter.

Later…

I am so fucking miserable right now. I mean, I feel like a total failure. I should’ve known better. Why did I set myself up to fall?

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 1995 Well, well. I just checked the period & sex chart. Never have we screwed right smack when I was mid-cycle. Like I should be surprised, right? Did it just happen that way? Did Tom plan it that way? Did God plan it that way? Well, it doesn’t matter when we screw since he doesn’t cum anyway. I also still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I were sterile, either.

Back to the tape Ma sent. It was pretty cool to see, but those clothes, bathing suits, and beehive hairdos - gross! I admit to crying when I saw Nana and Pa. I miss them. Especially pa.

Boo, who’s married to Max, was Pa’s niece and is my mother’s cousin. Boo, whose real name is Dorothy (how she got her nickname beats me), has a son Kim and a daughter Rhoda.

At the Passover party, when we lived next to Nana and Pa, were my cousins Lori and Lisa, my mom’s brother Ronnie and his ex-wife June and a few others who I don’t know. My parents, Larry and Tammy were there too, of course.

Tom asked if I thought there was other stuff they cut out or if I was the bulk of the filming. I said I had no idea and asked him what he thought. He said he thought I was the bulk of the filming cuz I was the youngest and that’s how it usually works in families.

He also said he’d like to show the tape to his parents.

Tom said I looked more like I was 2, not 4, but as Goldie and Al reminded him, I was always small and never looked my age. I wasn’t always small widthwise, though. Al was saying how everyone else in my family is big and how even though Tammy was premature, she grew up tall and wide and was pretty heavy the last time they saw her.

We met them at a restaurant called Chili’s and we pretty much chatted about family and friends and places. Ruth was tired, so she stayed home.

I told them about the journals and the tape. She said she hasn’t seen this tape but is sure she will.

I’m gonna ask Tammy if she got any tapes, when she got them, and what’s on them.

We were all pretty teary-eyed when we said goodbye.

I asked them if they will be at the Bat mitzvah and Goldie said yes, if she’s invited. I’m sure she will be. So we’ll probably be seeing them again in 8 months, cuz if we don’t make it there it won’t be cuz I’m pregnant.

I put clear contact paper on the front and back of Ma’s puzzle, but we’ve got to get that glue and more contact paper anyway.

I did try calling 1411 to see what address they had for the M’s. It seems I remember hearing it takes 10 days for 1411 to update addresses and numbers, and they left on the 1st. They gave the same address, though, which is weird. Maybe they are staying with someone till they move out of state, but kept their phone and forwarded their calls to where they’re staying. At 7:30 yesterday morning I called (didn’t say anything) and Dean answered and said in a cheerful voice, “Hello, it’s Dean. This is not a machine. What’s up? What’s the deal?”

Now I’m gonna go type a list of the most commonly used words for Tom to film me signing.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1995 I’m pretty frustrated right now. Do you have any idea just how much easier my life would be if I didn’t want a kid? Why do I want a kid, anyway? I wish I could figure that out. Why would I want to put myself through all it entails?

On Fridays, we make a list of stuff to do. Well, I’m so sick of him not doing all he says he’s gonna do or only doing a part of things.

He tells me I can always talk to him, but talking with him only makes him feel pressured and I know it turns him off and brings him down. He also feels like I’m attacking him. I’m trying to deal with this in silence, but it’s sooo hard. Are there any others out there with guys who get hard, but won’t cum? Am I really as alone as I think I am? I asked Alex if he’s ever heard of a guy like that. He hasn’t.

Why me?!?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Later…

I just finished putting together Ma’s 1000-piece puzzle. Tom can still get glue for puzzles, but with a puzzle this big and loose, I think it’d be best to put clear contact paper on the front and back. I’ll get Tom’s opinion when he gets up.

I think I may have had another memory of Robin, but I can’t be too sure. It seems the night I was with her when we were on our beds before falling asleep, I was playing the game most kids play. The game of - guess what color, or number, or animal I’m thinking of?

No wonder Karson hasn’t called me or Andy. Her phone’s been disconnected. Andy said she wouldn’t just blow us off forever.

Great.

Later…

As I knew real damn good and well - no getting pregnant this month. I must’ve ovulated for a short time which was this morning. This morning my temperature was 98.7 and now it’s 97.5. Plus, I was mid-cycle yesterday, so even if he’d cum, it’s too late.

I took a swim an hour ago and the pool water’s already cooling down. It was slightly chilly. It’s getting down to 40º at night back east.

I still haven’t been able to reach Kim. I sure hope she’s OK. It was nice of Tom to ask if I’d heard from her this morning and reassure me about her and say we’ll see each other again.

This weekend we hope to make a video of me singing The Sweetest Gift and White Rhythm & Blues. Tom will play the keyboards for both songs and I’ll play the guitar for The Sweetest Gift. It’s mainly for Lisa, but the other kids, Tammy and Bill will see it too, I’m sure. Maybe we’ll send my parents and Goldie and Al a copy.

Speaking of tapes - got a real surprise from my parents. Here’s what the tape contained: Nana & Pa in Florida in 1959 with Cousin Boo & Rhoda, Passover of 1968, Old Colony Beach in 1969, Nana & Pa at White Mountains in New Hampshire, and my 4th birthday

I’ll write much more later about that and our visit with Goldie and Al later.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1995 Damn, am I getting gray hairs! Shall I dye it? Nah, not yet. I just trimmed my bangs a little while ago.

Tom’s still certain he’ll win both bets.

We began playing around earlier, but I had to stop cuz of knee pain I’ve had for about 4-5 days now. See? There’s always a problem with one of us, though it’s usually with him. Always something gets in the way. I find it ironic too, seeing how I could be ovulating right around this time. Coincidence? Doubt it. Anyway, I obviously pulled a ligament or something like that and it didn’t quite tickle earlier. I had it in an ace bandage and had to take an Ibuprofen.

After we screwed around the other day, Tom said it was almost perfect. He said the only two things about it he didn’t like were that the angle was off and that he didn’t cum. Yeah, right! I’ve won this one!

Kim was supposed to call me on the night of the 6th and have surgery on the 7th. I haven’t heard from her, though. Tom says he’s sure she’s OK, can have kids, and probably got talked into staying with someone at the last minute.

Soon enough it’ll be pleasant at night, so I’ll have to have Tom fix the bent window frames in the music room. He unbolted them, but they’re very old single-paned windows that are a bit crooked. I’ve never lived anywhere where I had such old shitty windows to deal with.

Tom refreshed me on how to use the Melody Maestro. However, every time we hummed The Sweetest Gift, it played back what sounded like a totally different song. I sang earlier while he played the keyboards. I even played a little guitar.

There was a problem with launching the print program. A message came up after we sent it saying it’d be reviewed by the staff, but we never heard anything about it. Meanwhile, he re-sent it an AOL as well as CompuServe and whatever else.

As for Robin, well, we browsed through AOL last night and got some ideas as to where we’d leave a message to try to track down others who may have attended this camp in ‘74. Who knows when Tom will do his part in this case as he says he will or try hypnotizing me? He’s always busy and 80% of the time he either procrastinates or can’t come through at all for whatever reason. I can tell you right now, the bee and cigarette machines are a bust. A big joke as far as I’m concerned. Also, if he wants to stall Robin’s case to do his “instill patience” thing, he’s got me. There’s nothing more I can do in this case without him.

We’re gonna see Goldie and Al one last time before they leave for Boston Tuesday night at 7:00.

Later…

I’ll have to ask Tom to open the music room vent a bit more. I have the EC on now which blows very hard, but I can’t feel a thing and it’s a bit stuffy in here.

I did that strip of musical notes/G-clefs I said I was gonna do in the hall between the living room doorway and the linen closet. Almost a week ago I traced them in, but last night I colored them in with pretty pinks, purples and blues, then covered them with clear contact paper.

The hair that was shaved around my ear is on its way back. It can almost reach a ponytail. It still looks pretty funny, though.

Someone was definitely next door earlier, cuz the sprinklers were on and there were lights on over there till 8:30 or so. We’re pretty sure it was the Realtor or a neighbor trying to keep the place up. I’m sure no Realtor wants to show a house with either a brown lawn or an overgrown lawn. Plus, it was too quiet. No sounds of trucks, moving, kids or dogs.

Later…

I just woke Tom up for some tongue action, but personally, he did a shitty job, even though I did end up cumming, and doesn’t seem too happy right now. He said he likes that and that I could wake him up every night, even though I wouldn’t if he were really backed up in his sleep. Maybe he doesn’t feel well.

I forgot to mention this a few days ago, but no more Karson for me. She told Andy and me on our machines she was pissed and for us never to call her again. Neither of us did anything to her and Andy and I are sick of her. She does this constantly and God only knows how Andy’s put up with her for over a year. She’s always whining and bitching, and I smell Fran in her. I always have, but the scent is getting stronger and I don’t need any Fran’s, Nervous’s, Ellie’s, etc. in my life. I’ve come too far for that.

Later…

Tom opened the vent in here. Much better.

Tom also told me he’s just very tired and it’s a dismal feeling to know he’s gotta get up super early the next 3 days. I said, “Then how will we manage a kid?”

He said, “You can’t compare that, honey.”

How can you not? I guess it’s a matter of how much you want something. For example, I’ll do more to see to it that I’m awake and functional to see Goldie and Al, rather than Andy cuz Andy lives here and isn’t going anywhere. Who knows how many years it’ll be before I see Goldie and Al again after Tuesday? The next time I do see them, whenever I do, it’ll probably either be in Florida or MA.

My encounters with Robin aren’t as frequent as they were in the beginning and I don’t think I’ll ever get her name, but I’m still so curious. If she’s alive - who is she? What is she? Where is she? What does she look like? Will I ever really know for sure? God, please! If you really exist, God, and aren’t a hoax, please help me! Help me find the answers!

Later…

I can’t believe it’s not even 11:00 yet. It feels like it’s 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.

Today and tomorrow, when I’m most likely to ovulate (if I do), Tom will be too tired. He’s getting up at 4:00 and won’t be home till 5:00. Then we’ll be seeing Goldie and Al and by the time we get home, he’ll have been up for almost 18 hours. I used to believe Tom might try avoiding me at those times and still do. However, I also believe some kind of outer force is gonna see to it that we can’t get together during the times I may be ovulating. God really insists on keeping me childless, but why give me a guy who won’t cum and do all this shit? All He has to do is sterilize me. On the bright side - I’ll never have to worry about Tom winning our bet and having to go 24 hours without smoking.

I was shocked at who I saw at 8:30. First, though, when I first met Dean, I could’ve sworn he had blond hair and wore no glasses. For the last several months, the guy I’ve seen over there had brown hair and wore glasses. Was I wrong about his being a non-four-eyed blond? Did he change his appearance cuz of something wrong he did that he’s hiding from? Is it a different guy?

Anyway, at 8:30 I noticed the lights were on. I saw him in there, but the place was still empty. All I saw was what looked like a small shelf or table with some magazines or books on it. I didn’t see his van at all.

Holy shit. I dialed their number wrong the last time I called, thinking their number was disconnected. No wonder I saw Lenore on the phone. This means they either left it connected or moved somewhere else in Phoenix cuz their phone is connected. They have a regular answering machine. I’d say the phone goes next door cuz they hardly ever sleep, so I’d assume they could answer their phone anytime for the most part. If they moved out of state, maybe he stood here but is staying somewhere else to take care of selling the house. When the new kids, dogs and whatever adults get there, I’ll settle my curiosity and call info. By that time, they could tell me if they were still in Phoenix.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1995 I’m lying in bed now next to Tom who’s going back to sleep. I had woken him up cuz I saw a huge black bug of some kind in the kitchen.

OK, here are the bets, but the first one’s not all that far out or impossible. Tom wants to get under 200 pounds (he’s now 206) within a few months as a short-term goal. His long-term goal is to get to 175, so that’s about 35 pounds he wants to lose. He said if he loses, he’ll be my sex slave for a week, even if he’s tired. He hasn’t figured out what I’d owe him if he wins yet.

As for the bet, I’m 100% sure to win – well – I made my thing to do if I lose impossible for me cuz I know I can’t lose this one. If he loses what I’m about to tell you we bet on, I told him he owes me nothing. If he wins, I have to quit smoking for 24 hours. When I made this bet with him, I was astounded he went for it and agreed with it. I was almost certain he’d say no to it. I bet that he has to cum within 30 days and it’s got to be something I can see or feel, but be absolutely sure of. Can you believe he agreed to it?! It could be a good cover, though. He knows I know he wants me to stop smoking and he knows he owes me nothing if I win and I will win this one. The weight one, who knows?

Earlier I asked him, “If you knew you needed the closeness of sleeping together to cum (so he says), then how can you have assumed my being pregnant last spring when for all we knew back then, it’d be quite a while before we were sleeping together?” His answer was that he had no idea that not sleeping together would bother him so much. I fully believe him cuz neither did I. I always had wished there was a way we could’ve slept together, but it didn’t really start becoming such a big deal to me till a few months ago. I feel so much more normal now. Different is good, but different can also make you feel a bit weird and freaky. There have always been things unique about me that I was happy and comfortable with, as well as stuff that’s unique in what I feel is an uncomfortable way.

I still can’t believe my parents got me journals!

One of the 20 hair accessories they sent is a round gold thing for when you put your hair in a bun. It’s not easy to use when your hair is so thick and long, but I managed. The thing is like half a hollow circle with a pin-like thing you slip under the bun and through it. It’s a hard thing and style to describe, but it’s been around for eons.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 1995 Got the package from my parents today and am totally astounded at what they sent.

They sent me 20 black and blue pens. I’m writing with one of them right now, but it blots so badly that I’m gonna switch. I think I’ll use this Bic cuz it blots less, and I tend to write sloppy when I have so much to say. I write neater with these than I do with the Precise markers. They also sent a pack of 6 markers, watermelon seeds, a notepad, and a planner, which is great for the business.

They sent 20 different barrettes which are beautiful.

Now here’s the shocker - they sent 3 gorgeous journals! I can’t believe my parents sent me journals! I’d cherish them forever if they were ugly but they’re not. They’ll be numbers 99-101. I always hoped they’d send me journals cuz most of us always love it when our parents take some kind of part in the things we love to do. In the almost 8 years that I’ve been writing, they never asked or said a word about it. Throughout the years, I’ve picked out most of my journals, but when Tom, Andy, and now my parents have gotten me any, it makes it all the more special. I am so very touched and I told them this in my letter to them and thanked them like crazy.

Tom guesses that I’ll hit 100 this November. My guess is January of ‘96, but we’ll see. It’s cutting really close.

As for the Gloria fan club - the check hasn’t even been cashed yet.

I did what I said I was gonna do for that journal Andy brought me. It looks a million times better.

Today I sent Larry a letter. Tomorrow letters will go out to my parents, Kim, Tammy, and I’ll also send Sarah’s birthday card. Monday I’ll send Kim’s birthday card, Bob’s letter, and maybe one for Andy.

Goldie and Al are flying back on the 18th, so on the 16th, I’ll send their letter which they’ll get right around their arrival. I’ll P.S. it at the end and put: Al, what do you do with coffee?

Before I get to the outrageous bets Tom and I placed, let me get into a couple of outrageous nightmares I had.

In one of them, Tom got pissed at me for who knows what. I guess this happened at night and when I awoke in the dream he had already gone to work. Meanwhile, he had trashed and smashed the entire house.

In the other nightmare, we both decided we didn’t want Piggy anymore, but neither of us wanted to bother to find someone to take him. So, we threw him in the dumpster. A few days later I changed my mind and decided I wanted Piggyback. Tom said he was missing him, too. So, we went out to the dumpster and Tom peered in it. He then turned to me saying it was too late. Then, I peered inside the dumpster. Piggy was all covered with maggots. How gross!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1995 I told Tom of my current news as to finding Robin yesterday. He says he expected it to go this way and that this part of it had to be played out. He said there was no need to give up and that we can put a message on the Internet looking for anyone who may have been at that camp during that era. He still feels that if I don’t give up, and that if he bet money on it, we’ll get her name. Oh, I sure hope so! Right now I feel it’s a long way away if we do get a name.

Lenny K said not only could she have been a supervisor, but some kind of specialist. A specialist? What kind of specialist?

Later…

Tom just ate and is digesting.

Meanwhile, Andy brought two boxes of Cocoa Krispies, his tape for his messages, and that shirt and journal. The shirt is too big and too lacy. He can give it to Pam. The journal is ugly, but I can always get contact paper for it. It obviously belonged to an Arab guy who I’m sure will be happy to know that a Jew has it now. He wrote a few pages in the front which I tore out cuz their corners were ripped. They had several names of different colleges and universities. The last 3 or 4 pages, which I left in, had names and numbers that were out of state.

I just got an awesome idea for that ugly journal cover! I’m gonna draw up designs or whatever on paper, then attach it with clear contact paper. That’ll act as a protective coating since taping or gluing it on will be useless. Plus, the paper would rip in no time. I’ve got a couple of design ideas that I’ve been decorating envelopes with. On Larry’s envelope, I drew a musical note with an underwriter marker. Then inside of it with an overwriter, I wrote: Oh, no! Tammy called! I’m sure he’ll get quite a kick out of it. Sandy, too.

I had two really raunchy nightmares, but I’ll write about them later.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 1995 Oh, I’m so fucking frustrated now! No package or mail of any kind today. Of course, the mailman’s still delivering other people’s mail, too.

Anyway, Andy told me yesterday that he had a better vibe for if I called Lenny tomorrow. That’s what I was gonna do, but when he called me today, he said he had just as good of a vibe. Well, believe me, I would’ve gotten the same results on either day. He was right, though, when he said I’d get more than I expected. I didn’t expect another wild goose chase, that’s for sure.

I called Lenny with Andy on the phone. Lenny said his records only went back to 1980, but that I could call his predecessor. His name was Herbert K. He lives in Wellesley, MA. He said he left the camp in 1963 and that he’s not quite Lenny’s predecessor. After Herbert and before Lenny, there was an Al K, but I can’t find this guy who’s supposedly in the Newton, MA area. Maybe I should try seeing if the Jewish welfare board has records. He also gave me the name and number of a Ruth T in Framingham, MA. She registered all the kids. When I mentioned the name Robin, she threw the last name R at me which does ring some kind of a bell in my head. She mentioned something about this person attending the University of Nebraska. Also, something about this person’s house looking like a castle in Lyn, MA when she drove her home from the camp.

I could only find one R (a slightly different spelling, though) in Lyn, but the woman who answers says she’s not affiliated with the camp and knows nothing about it.

I went through all this bullshit all summer long just to get nowhere.

Later…

Tom will be home any minute now, so I’ll write till he gets here.

I was gonna try recording with the Melody Maestro but was totally stumped.

Tomorrow I’ll call Barbara and let her know I’m at a dead end again.

Tom just called. He’ll be home in half an hour. Andy will be over tonight or tomorrow night.

Why does R sound familiar? Why do I still sense her? It isn’t that often but last night and today I have. She’s basically said don’t give up and don’t worry about the new neighbors.

Is Robin, or whatever the hell her name is, just a joke? Is whoever it is just posing as Robin? Who is this? What do they want from me? Why do I have this feeling her last name really could be R? What do I do now? I never wanted to give up, but do I really have a choice? I wish we had one of those national phonebooks, but would that really do me any good?

When they first moved out next door, Andy and I both felt the new neighbors would be a nightmare. Well, I know they will be, but right now he’s clueless as to how they’ll be.

I can’t believe that remodeled 3-bedroom house is only going for $67,000. It’s been great, though, not having them over there. Well, I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts, cuz it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m dreaming, wanting, and fantasizing for these quiet peaceful days to return.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1995 I’ve been too busy, tired, and lazy to write much and I still am. Our visit with Goldie and Al was great.

I feel so much better now. Much more awake and my lungs are less tight. I ate, swam, and Tom whacked my back. It’s been kind of humid, so after being out for quite a while it caught up to me. Even Al’s allergies were bugging him. Also, I could afford to sleep for a good 10 hours or so the next time I fall asleep.

Sun City is absolutely gorgeous. I’d love to live out there. However, old people are the only ones in society who are allowed to live as they want without kids around and you must be 55 or 65 to live there.

Ruth was a very nice lady. Her house wasn’t too impressive, but very nice still. It’s still amazing to know that she lived here for 23 years and is returning to CT.

We had fruit and macaroni salad for lunch topped off with apple pie and ice cream for dessert.

Goldie told me an interesting thing about my mother. Well, as far as I always knew, Mom always hated to write. And when I was just a baby our family went to Florida. Goldie said she began to write a book all about it but never finished it. Wow. I’ll have to ask my mom about it, but I doubt she’ll say much about it, knowing her.

They also said Ma’s afraid of flying. Really? That’s news to me since I know she’s flown before. I think the main reason she won’t fly, whether it makes her uncomfortable or not, is cuz she couldn’t take her dogs that way. She could, but she’d never allow those dogs to be flown.

They also started to bring up the subject of wild parties about 40 years ago. Hmm… I wonder what that was all about? Al didn’t want it brought up, though.

Anyway, they were thrilled about my ear. I blocked my good ear and had Goldie say something. I heard her say I looked beautiful.

It was funny at one point when we were discussing Al’s allergies. First I suggested he put his face over a steaming pot of water and also told him coffee helps. Then he goes, “What do you do with coffee?”

“You drink it,” I said.

Everyone cracked up.

So, we were visiting for 2-3 hours, then we went to Walgreens where we got birthday cards for Kim and Sarah. Both their birthdays are on September 14th. Sarah will be 5 and I believe Kim will be 26.

We also got two pool noodles. Those long skinny Styrofoam-like things. We got a purple one and an orange one and they’re both about 5” long. We finished a roll of film with us playing with those as well as me doing my excellent pool handstands.

Tom put rubber rings around the screws that hold the ceiling fan’s light fixture, but it still makes this squeaking sound here and there, so he’s gonna investigate some more.

For $13 Tom got a CD with 1,000 disappointing fonts. There are only a few new ones I’ve never seen. The rest, we either have them or they’re rip-offs of other fonts. There are a few symbolic ones called harmony and dingbats and I went through and picked out and printed out some I like. There are musical notes, palm trees, stars, flowers, etc.

Andy and I have 3 things to swap with each other which we’ll probably do tomorrow night or the night after that. I have for him his message tape, that uncomfortable lace teddy, and some NPN envelopes. For me, he has that shirt, his new message tape, and that journal. He said the journal has dandelions on it.

I certainly didn’t buy this journal for its cover. I liked its quotes. The cover’s ugly, actually. The woman on it looks like a typical fat, plain-looking mom.

Later…

Last night Tom put a Band-Aid over his nose so I could see if he still snored. He did and I insisted there’s no cure for snoring and as long as we have the fan, it’s OK. He says he just needs to lose weight. I let him know he doesn’t have to, but he says he wants to and will be my sex slave for a week, even if he’s tired. I said that wasn’t good enough, he’s got to get off, too. He said OK. HA HA HA HA!!! This I’ve just gotta see!

This may shock you (it shocks me) and it may only be cuz this is how I want to feel and believe, but I’m starting to think he just may be getting closer to cumming after all. He says there’s no doubt in his mind, but for me, the real belief won’t “cum” till I see him cum.

Andy told me two strong feelings he had today.

Later…

Cool. Tom just showed me how to print out samples of each font. I’m gonna do that with my favorite ones.

So far, Andy was right on 1 of 2 predictions he’s made. He said I’d get no package today. He was right.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1995 Kim had called so that’s why I ended up getting cut off yesterday.

Basically, my mom and I acknowledged that we each made mistakes, tried our best, and are appreciative of each other’s accomplishments.

Why not Valleyhead, though? She admitted Brattleboro was a mistake, but she never said anything about Valleyhead, which was a million times worse.

Kim’s going in for surgery on the 7th and will probably call me the night before. She may be a nurse, but she’s only human and will no doubt be quite anxious.

She’s also gonna call that night to see if I got anywhere with Lenny K. Oh, I hope! I can’t wait!

Kim said she did mail that secret admirer letter out, so Bob’s probably too shy and embarrassed to bring it up.

Yup, I’d say they’re definitely gone next door. I just hope and pray that we can have a month or two of peace before the new kids and dogs move in over there. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if the peace is ruined by the new nightmare before I finish this book. I sure hope this is the book where I find out Robin’s full name. Then, if she’s dead or alive.

I finished typing journal 94.

Yesterday, when I talked to Andy, I sure was shocked to hear what he found for me in his apartment dumpster. A journal in perfect condition. He said a few pages were written in. That oughta be neat to check out.

He also found a thin sleeveless shirt that was pink with lace.

Later…

I’ve been busy doing various things, and Tom left for work an hour ago, so now I’ll write some more. Every so often they’re gonna ask Tom to work 2nd shift.

Now for some wonderful news. Goldie and Al called. They’re in Sun City and Goldie’s sister-in-law Ruth (Al’s sister) is selling her house and moving to W. Hartford. W. Hartford! Yuck! That’s no better than Springfield. They’ll be flying into Boston on the 18th of this month. Meanwhile, Tom was here, luckily, to take down directions on getting to the house on Monday at about noon.

That day I’ll also get birthday cards for Sarah and Kim. Also, glue for Ma’s puzzle cuz there’s no way I can flip it. It’s too big and the pieces are loose. They’re definitely not as snug as all the other ones I’ve done. I think I’ll go work on it now and enjoy the peace and quiet. No dogs. No vans.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 1995 I flushed the remainder of my Theodur down the toilet!

I was wrong. Those dogs are still there. I just heard them. I also heard the baby cry. Are they living in their trailer for now? But why would they do that, rather than stay in the house? And why disconnect the phone so early? I thought they were staying with someone else till they moved out of state. Or at the new house if they were staying in the area.

Last night they all drove in and I spied on them with the lights off from the window in the music room. I could see partly into the house. Their living room is a good size and it looks like it’s connected to their kitchen like the apartment I had on Bell Rd. was. I could see a few folding chairs, a radio, a plant, and that was it.

The weird thing was, though, I saw Lenore pick up what I think was a phone. She looked like she held it up to her ear for about 20 seconds, then she moved out of view with it. If she went to pick it up to see if it was disconnected, then why did it take her so long? It only takes 1 second. Not 20 or 30.

Tom just left for work and I’ve got the music cranked louder than I ever have before.

Now they have their trailer hitched to their van, and Tom says they’ll probably leave today. I wonder how well they can hear this music over all those screaming kids? If they can hear the words, then I’m sure they’ll really appreciate Sexy Motherfucker by Prince.

Later…

Holy shit. I just went out back to see if I could hear the music and I couldn’t. How weird. I mean, that music’s too loud even for me. I moved on out to the kitchen.

Today I’m gonna figure out the chords to the song The Sweetest Gift on the guitar, cuz I really love that song and want to record it. A couple of days ago we videotaped me singing Allison while he played keyboards and some of it was pretty good. There were a few notes that were pretty nasally, too. As a trained singer, certain things become so much a part of you that you can’t deprogram. Subconsciously, we breathe differently than those who don’t sing. Other things take serious focus and concentration, so when my mind wanders, or if anything sidetracks me, I get lazy and screw up some of my vowels.

This morning Tom sealed up the cats and the notes but when he went to seal up the notes some of them ran so I’ve got to color in a background.

Later…

I’ve got to clean my CDs. Some of them are really skipping. Soon I’ll call AOL now and see what mail is there.

I’m on the phone right now with Karson who’s not in a great mood. Right now I’m playing her a song she likes by KC and the Sunshine Band that I think sucks. After I get rid of her, I’ll write all about my phone conversation with my mother.

Later…

The van and trailer are gone now. Maybe all of them, their dogs, and stuff are gone. I can’t believe the house hasn’t sold yet, although Tom said the house was for sale for months before they moved in. I didn’t know that. Oh, it’d be so wonderful if no one was there for 4-6 months. Either way, though, whether the house sells now or in a few months, I must face and go through the inevitable, as I said before. There’s no avoiding it. It can be delayed, but not avoided. Oh, how I wish one of the 4 houses across the street with no dogs, no kids, or older kids all grown up could be plopped down next door and their house thrown across the street! I can dream, can’t I?

I had a great talk with my mother, but there’s one thing she said that’s got me contemplating lying to her and telling her I’m dancing. She said, “Get a little job, work with kids or at a hospital. Be a little more independent.”

She knows I am independent and that I have my share of responsibilities around the house, but since there’ll be no kid, I may as well make them a bit happier with a little lie and say I’m dancing part-time which I told her I was thinking about. It won’t hurt anyone.

Why is it that people think that those who are home with no kids are doing either nothing or not enough? Just cuz I don’t have a child doesn’t mean I can’t occupy my time well today, next week, next month, next year, and every year after that. It’s not always easy, though, and I have my moments of laziness and boredom, but I try. I try as hard as I can. Tom and I share our lives together and do things together, but aren’t each other’s parents. He can go to the racetracks or do whatever he wants and so can I cuz we know we’re #1 to each other and where our top priorities are. If he wanted to go out, but I was sick and needed him, I know all I’d have to do is ask him to please stay home and help me out and he would. The same goes for if he were sick. Meanwhile, we’re free agents with excellent judgment as to what to do and when to do it.

First Mom told me she sent out a package to us yesterday. She was teasing me by saying it was many bars of soap, toilet paper, and other non-edible stuff. Get it? She’s referring back to the days when I was broke. That’s the type of stuff they’d send me. If I don’t get the package tomorrow, I’ll probably get it Monday.

Naturally, I’m skeptical when she says that next summer is her target for coming out here, but nonetheless, she tells me she always thinks of me and has never stopped loving me.

Later…

I was talking with Andy, so I’ll finish with what my mom and I were talking about before I get into what Andy and I were talking about.

Mom said she realized the Brattleboro Retreat was wrong, but that she (cut off due to phone call)

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