#theres still shame about taking up space (in other peoples lives) at all

[sleepyagent]

I got nothing to offer that is of value to you

And all I can be is myself

[the-s1lly-corner]

How could each Evil Adult do in a dinner date?

dinner date w/ various knd villains

i dont usually take larger group posts buuuuuut i was already planning on writing something like this and this was the kick i needed to get to it LMAOAOAOAO!! happy to see people still requesting knd even if my writing for it has slowed down a bit!

characters: father, knightbrace, cuppa joe, stickybeard, spankulot, toiletnation

notes: reader is gn, established relationship, admin did his best to make everyone unique with their settings- hard given theyre all dinner dates!

cws: none

father

if should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that he would use the fact that he has access to money to spoil you- get ready to be taken to some high end place to eat! if you need an outfit he even offers to buy you something nice

all things considered, he does try to make the night as perfect as possible and hes quick to agitate if something comes up that can derail those plans- example being your typical knd antics or something else entirely

provided nothing happens, the night is... actually pretty nice..

he feels nice being able to spoil you, if he knows you cant afford your half of the bill hes willing to pay it off

wears a bowtie over his shadow suit thing, it.. looks a little funny because it looks like its just been glued on

the type to give flowers before a date to set a tone for the night

knightbrace

obviously hes going to make you brush after you both eat but thats not exactly part of the date, now is it? i mean he can try if he can find a way to make it romantic- side note if you struggle with general self care knightbrace is your man to hype you up

moving on

he does his best not to comment on your food choices- not in a body shaming way of course, hes just extremely uber hyperaware of whats going on with your teeth- hes got a bit of fixation that kind of boarders on obsession but thats another thing for another day

asides from that, hes actually pretty normal! he doesnt do fancy high end restaurant, hes more comfortable in spaces that are more casual...

splits the bill with you- you can have dessert, hes fine with not having any

if theres anything else hes obsessed with that isnt teeth, its time. he always makes sure hes on time to meet with you, likely a trait from his days as a dentist in training- got to be on time for appointments!

spankulot

he offers to let you meet up with him at his home- assuming he has one... i like to think he lives.. somewhere... whether it be a cave somewhere or in some old creepy manor! vampire stuff, you know?

does his best to put everything together so he can impress you

you can see him doing the hand shakey thing if you catch glimpses of him working on things before he sets the table... hes so eager to please you its adorable

fancy, but without the pressure of having to conform to others and their standards- you're in the comfort of a home!

tailors the meal to what you enjoy, he definitely keeps multiple cook books on hand! hes got recipes!

talking a mile a minute about his day as well as how hes happy you were able to make it for your date, and he listens to every word when you speak

very attentive partner who does everything for you, sweet man. blorbo

cuppa joe

you guys dont get to go on dates often due to him being out on his coffee rigs for... long periods of time..

i believe i mentioned in a different post somewhere the he does try to make up for lost time by absolutely spoiling you and smothering you in his love and attention

loaded as well, that coffee money PAYS! he can afford to take you to some fancy schmancy place, but thats not really his style

its a bit predictable, but he takes you to a cafe to get a drink and some treats. its far more casual than father or knightbrace's idea for a date, but you cant deny that the coziness offers you a comfortable atmosphere to catch up

makes sure you get the highest quality coffee, wouldnt be surprised if he was the one supplying the specific cafe you two were sitting in

tells you about all his findings out on the rig and asks you if youve been up to everything, he offers to take you with him the next time he has to go out

stickybeard

i can see him taking you to that candy bar he was at in the black licorice episode! hope youre ready to get some toothaches because there... isnt much options for actual food... actually now that you think about, have you ever seen your boyfriend eat actual food? sure he sometimes goes to the villain bbq, but-

night outs with stickybeard are always full of energy and laugh, he makes sure youre having a good time and hes ready to call it a night if youre getting tired or otherwise ready to put an end to the social event

insists you do most of the talking, he thinks your voice is the sweetest thing ever... pun intended!

does his best to take you out every week or two, definitely takes you out when he successfully carries out an evil plan to rob a child or a candy shop

date nights rarely end with dinner, expect him to have another activity planned afterwards! even if its just sailing around the suburbs in his ship!

toiletnator

he either prepares something at his place or yours- or he takes you out to eat somewhere

who needs to dress up and sit at some posh place when you can just catch a movie and then grab something quick to eat?

sure its not the most.. traditionally romantic... but the simplicity of it feels just as charming as the other characters nights in my opinion!

makes sure youre having fun- he can sometimes get carried away with the things he wants to do that night, but he can pull himself back if he notices you're not having as much fun as he had hoped you would

offers to pay for everything even if he cant afford it- i... doubt he makes a lot of money given that hes not a very successful villain..

[whilomm]

one of the most annoying things about consumer level sustainability is that yeah it COULD make at least some difference if everyone switched to plastic free shit. like, there would still be all the fucking corpo plastic to worry about, but if every single consumer started buying plastic free laundry detergent powder/sheets, and everyone stopped buying bottled water, and everyone started using refillable cleaners that you put dilutable plastic-free concentrates in, even those few things would make at least some small difference in the amount of plastic waste there is.

but. like. in order for everyone to do that. this shit has to be accessible, and cheap, and readily available. like, ill say first hand some of this shit is straight up more convenient. i fucking LOVE my laundry detergent sheets, theyre easier to use and take up less space and are lighter weight so no lugging huge bottles of detergent home. but! theyre also a bit more expensive on average, and so much fucking harder to find than regular detergent. my grocery store i work at JUST started selling them on the shelf years after i started buying them online, and this is literally the only store ive seen them in person at.

like, yeah, i would LOVE it if everyone started using these things, because even just knocking out all the laundry detergent bottles would be nice, and i genuinely think other people would find them more convenient too, but i cant EXPECT everyone to use them, because most people would still need to buy the things online if they want them, and theyd also have to pay more than theyre paying for their normal, heavy ass huge bottles of liquid detergent, or their tiny little dollar store bottles if theyre living so week-to-week they cant afford to buy anything else. so, yeah no duh these things arent filling up the store shelves yet (despite the fact that theyd also be better for stores too, it would save SO much goddamn shelf space, and god imagine how much easier itd be for the stockers)

so i cant shame anyone for not buying these (even aside from the fact that shaming people over consumer level choices distracts from the fact that its fucking corporations doing most of the polluting). even if a lotta people found out about this shit, they wouldnt be an option for so many of them.

and the laundry detergent sheets are kinda a mild example. like, when i say more expensive, i mean "70 loads of liquid costs as much as 50 loads of sheet". meanwhile, when i look at refillable deodorant and shit, this shit costs like 2x more than regular deodorant for half as much, and some of it doesnt even fucking work because theyre so worried about being natural they forgot to make it actually function as deodorant, and theyre all on goddamn ✨✨✨subscribe and save!!!!✨✨✨ plans, and theyre only available online...

and then these fuckers have the gall to advertise their shit as "saving the planet". yeah sure, youre saving the planet by selling small batches to upper-middle-class people who have the money to spend twice as much on every single toiletry or cosmetic or whatever in the name of going plastic free, meanwhile theres millions of people who couldnt afford your shit in the first place just buying whatever is cheap and accessible to them (aka, available on the shelves at their local stores, whether thats a grocery store or a dollar general because they dont have a fucking grocery store).

and its even more annoying because do you know how easy it would be for the deodorant companies to come together like, okay lets make a standard size cardboard refill that you can put in a reusable dispenser (like a lotta the refillable deoderant companies are doing) and lets just all agree to use that one size so that every single cardboard tube on the shelf can fit in a standard dispenser and hey since we're gonna be saving money with cheaper packaging why dont we pass those savings onto the consumer? but they would never fucking do that, because even for the major companies starting to try making refillables its ohhh its gonna make us so much more MONEY if we have a Proprietary Dispenser™ and once a consumer buys Our Dispenser™ they gotta keep using that one and also hey why dont we actuallt make our refills also half plastic (just less than the regular bottle!!) and also cost more bc everyone knows the environmentalists have Money :)

its not like every consumer good being plastic free would ✨save the planet✨ in the first place, but christ its never gonna do jack fucking shit so long as these things say expensive as fuck and only available online and not on shelves at your Local Store and only marketing to the people who have the time and money to care about plastic free shit.

[cuervitodeisla]

A random tangent on collectivism and individualism

This is literally just my thoughts on something take it with a grain of salt. I'm no expert but would love to research these topics, especially on how they manifest back home.

I was raised with a somewhat collective cultural mindset, I don’t just care for myself but that same care and concerned is extended to the others around me no matter the setting. I’m aware of the web that extends far past my circle and myself. In contrast I grew up with media from the States, which is Individualist. Everything is about the individual and the individual is more important than the rest that happens to be there.

This clash of mentalities manifests in my person as:

“I’ll care for the communal and public spaces because others have the right to enjoy them as I have”

“I’ll wear a mask in the work space especially after I traveled because I don’t want my coworkers to get involved in My Risky Decisions to get in a plane”

and

“My room looks like a tornado but I fail to comprehend how that affects anyone, my space my mess my problem. Don’t look at it”

“my looks, dressing style and hair is my business I don’t care if it doesn’t fit into what the culture taught you to be feminine/attractive”

My mentality is still mostly collective until it comes to creative expression through the self and personal space, which are things that are inconsequential to the survival of the whole. The problem I have with collectivism is that its in fact cultural, so its informed by the rest of the cultural elements. In my own experience some of said elements are catholicism and evangelicals... you can see where this is going. Yes religion is an important aspect of culture and the collective and theres nothing wrong with that, the problem lies on the exclusion of many individuals. For example back home for a while the catholic church didn’t care much for people who practiced spiritism as an extension of catholicism, they weren't in agreement but they didnt exclude them from the community. On the other hand, the evangelical missionaries were the ones that actually fucked ppl over the most and started the fear mongering and exclusion of anyone different, but thats another tangent...

I guess this subject manifests in my artwork on how the collective culture treats ppl who diverge from it. They’ll still include you into their space and care for you. They make sure you don’t fall completely off the wagon, but it comes with a mentality of fixing you so you can fit into the collective, similar to an "re-abilitation" but there was nothing wrong in the first place. From my experience the fixing part was very intense until something happened and the family chilled out. Theres still some of it precent but is a lot more subtle.

That being said nothing beats having a community that cares for each other especially when you’re a neurodivergent mess who struggles with keeping up with things. Individualism in contrast shames you when asking for help or for depending in others to keep afloat. individualism is also heavily influenced by capitalist ideals, so I'm having a hard time telling when one starts and the other ends.

I personally don’t know if my experience is just a rural Puerto Rican thing. I dont know how collectivism manifests itself in other cultures especially other island cultures. it still stands that collective mentality is essential in to my rural folk, not only you’re in an island but even further away from most of the population, since they live in the coast. The roads that lead to these mountain towns are a VERY recent addition from a historical point of view so yeah collectivism and giving and receiving from the community was essential.

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Idk this tangent went all over the place but yeah its an interesting topic I guess? maybe next time I can go on about the people from the puerto rican country side "Jíbaros", and how they were an exploited agricultural working class, turned cultural icon for consumption, but at the same time mocked and their name became an insult.

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 1/31/2023

I woke up with Jordan’s song “see spirit she” playing in my head and now i can’t get it out. There’s something about Jordan’s journey through their queerness that kind of inspires me to look at my own. Theres so much that they see in me thats hard to see in myself. Like the feminine side and the grounded sacral side. I think i need more root chakra work. Which makes sense. I feel very ungrounded, but also at teh time i feel grounded. Maybe ungrounded isnt it. Because i do feel like im in my body more so than ever. Maybe it the security. I do feel insecure. Is that root or sacral? Or maybe somewhere in between. I dont know. I’ve been holding this insecurity for a while. And have been aware of it for about a year. The insecurity i can hold. But when it brings it out in other people its hard for me to hold that. I still need to grieve the insecure parts of me. The parts of me that felt like it didnt deserve anyone in her corner, who felt like she wasn’t enough no matter how hard she tried. That not enoughness is still so loud.

I feel it in my relationship with my mom, and my relationship with greg. I feel very insecure to be myself. I feel my lack as a stamp across my forehead that defines every step i take, and every step is walking of eggshells. Liek the moment i choose my own path i’ll make everything fall apart. I thinkt hats the magic of plant medicine, knowing that living life with all the gfear and insecurity wont kill me. Knowing that i can get through anything. Fuck, if i could get through those really hard trips, ic an get through this. I can thrive from this.

I’m learning on accepting that this is my relationship with my mom. I cant change that. But the acceptance involves grieving the parts of me that wishes she had a mom who could show up emotionally. I never wanna do to my child what my mom did to me, even if she was trying her best. I know that the things that hurt me or trigger me with my mom are things that i have to learn to hold in myself. I am still so ashamed of the way i treated my money. And i am so ashamed of my existence. Im working on just being in that shame and accepting it and loving in. Ezra said he saw a wound,a nd the knife was pulled out, maybe going into the gash is the shame and despair i feel from being separated from divinity, and going inside and putting love in there is where i need to start, actually, just typing that makes me feel good.

Im trying to wrap my head around my narratives with money. I am still uncomfortable having it. And i sincerely believe that if i give it was some back to me tenfold. I am choosing to use my money to take care of my container and myself. My priority is my home. My priority is my body, my priority is making sure my container is healthy. Part of me feels like i am unable to hold space if my container is not perfect, and i know thats not the case. Im grateful for the people who have come into my life and showed me how i deserve to be loved and treated. For my friends (mostly jordan tbh) who come to my broken home and still find love.

Its time for me to truly put love into my broken home. To truly take care of the things i have. I never learned how to truly value and take care of my things. I never really had nice things to take care of. I deserve to have nice things and i can feel the part of me that feels ashamed to have nice things. Having things isnt shameful. That shame wa snot mine and belongs to someone else. Im not sure how much shame that i have thats actually mine. I know i have some because i do feel bad of the way i’ve treated others wrongly in the past and the way i acted out of a hurt place and hurt others. The shame around my body isnt mine. I truly love my body and what to make it strong and healthy. I am proud to invest in my body and proud to have it. The shame around my bank account isnt mine. I am grateful for the streams of income that i have. I am proud of the jobs that i work and i am proud of the amount of money i make. I feel shame around spending. I no longer want to spend, i want to invest. Every dolar that leave my hand is an investment into something. Every action that i take is an investment in something, and my priority is investing in myself. Investing in my freedom exploration and expansion. Investing in my security and safety. 

I dont spend my money, i invest. I invest in joy. I invest in others. I invest in love and happiness. I invest in healing and growth. I invest in myself. I invest in the future me that has these amazing dreams that can easily be a reality. I invest in the past me that is learning how to love myself. I invest in my present day. Investing can only happen in the present. It is a present choice that will yield a future fortune. I invest my time in me. I invest my money in me. I invest my love in me. I’m betting it all on me. I bet $10,000 on me knowing i’ll get $100,000. That ten thousand dollars was an investment. Gone in 2 months. But thats ok, its showed me so much and i am so grateful for that loss. I am still grieving and dealing with other emotions around it, but gratefulness is there. I am grateful that spending all that money showed me what im capable of and showed me the changes i need to make in my energy flow. Money is energy. And I put my money toward my future. Investing in myself. 

I choose not to involve my mom in my finances anymore. I need to set up that boundary because it does not feel safe for me to have that kind of relationship with my mom. I realize the ways where i keep turning to my mom to take care of me, because i want her to take care of me, but what i really want for her is to care about my feelings, not my money. And i understand that the way she shows love is through material items and money. But im still hurt and angry that i didnt get the love that i truly needed. I need to be seen and heard and loved and respected for exactly who I am and my mom is not the place for me to gain that kind of validation for myself. 

This is scary, the letting go. The choosing to be different and investing in myself. The trusting myself and the universe. I am slowly trusting myself, while also recognizing the parts of me that are expecting for me to fail. Failure is not the end of the road, it is the end of a chapter and a beginning of a new one. Failure is this wonderful opportunity to feel all the feelings that you werent feeling before. To integrate them into the experience and learn how to work with them. Failure is a trickster. You think your in ruin, when really it just gave you a void to fill and build more into. I think about my teaching job and how numb i felt. How disconnect and disassociated i was. It felt so good to leave that job. It felt so good for it to end. But i also notice the part of me that takes things ot the extreme before there needs to be a change. Its the same energy of how my parents werent sensitive to my feelings and only changed when some big emotional reaction happened. We repressed and disassociated until it exploded and even then the change wast a collaborative effort, it was more walking on egg shells. Im done doing that. We dont do that anymore. We dont walk on egg shells. We walk confidently and we embody groundedness. We are now sensitive to our need. We listen to our intuition and take a pause when we feel something is off. We take time to observe and truly feel into what is the best decision. 

I will no longer do what i think is right, i will do what i feel is right. I trust my body, i trust the collaborative effort between my body mind and spirit. I trust my soul and i trust my connection with divinity. I trust that everything always happens for the good, i trust that good things will always happen and i trust that i can always get through the difficult challenges. 

I am investing in me. I am investing my time in me. I am investing my money in me. I am investing my energy in me. If i need support i will ask for it and if shame comes up i will hold that shame with love and compassion. I will show myself how its not scary, i will show myself that even when we get hurt, we will love ourselves and treat ourselves well. 

I am proud that i am vulnerable. I am proud that i am sensitive. I am proud that i choose to live my life the way i do. I always say that to people “I love everything you do and choose to be”. I really do love the choices i make because i know i’m a good person who is trying her best to add more love into this world. I know i have a kind and loving soul and i want to love myself and others to the best of my ability. I see the ways where i exhaust myself and we are no longer exhausting. We are living a sustainable life. We will sustain and thrive. When i rest i bring in energy to heal my body and make myself stronger so when i am away i can do magick. I am magick. I need to truly believe that now. That is my need. My magic needs to be seen and expressed. And i know that its so fucking cool when i do it.

[djxrxn]

more cuddle headcanons

everyone really liked the cuddle hcs for the main three bucket boys, (which is right here!!), and i wanted to try out some characters that i would like to write for in the future. this post is all star wars characters, i’ll make a different post later on with the pascal characters !!

also, the phasma fic is taking A Bit Longer because it’s going to be a pretty big fic (it’s currently at 5.1 k and i still have a lot to work on). school also just started, so please bear with me!! i will have it up as soon as possible, in the meantime, i’ll post some smaller projects like this!! enjoy!!

warnings: cursing, some mentions of sexual content

w/c: about 2.1k

cobb vanth

i honestly think an argument can be made that cobb vanth is one of the most partner-material guys in the galaxy far far away. he’s very personable, he’s overall pretty warm - he’s an expert in affectionate, sweet shit. he’s always bringing up cuddling together or curling up in the corner of the cantina of Mos Pelgo, you’re not gonna have to strong arm him for love at all!

i think cobb likes to lay on you - like he’ll lay his head on your tummy or in your lap. play with his hair, scratch his head, maybe sing your marshal a little song !! i dont see him falling asleep, but if YOU’RE tired, he’ll absolutely do the same thing for you - you can lay on him, and he’ll sing  little tune and you can drift off to sleep.

little spoon, don’t EVEN try to argue, this man is the little spoon, please hold him, wrap your arms around him, he loves it !! he’ll lay his head on your chest, or lean his head back to give you little kisses and wink at you. 

very fine with pda, actually speaking of kisses, will steal them all DAY long. you’re trying to work on the speeder bike that’s been busted for months?? cobb is gonna be hanging around your work station, waitin for the perfect moment to give you a little peck on the cheek. (). i dont even think he’s a like “cuddly partner,” i think he’s just super friendly, and if he’s in a relationship, he’s gonna want to be hanging around you and getting a bunch of affection. and AGAIN no toxic masculinity here - there’s no shame or like embarrassment when you want to hold hands or kiss in public, like he’s all for it!

okay i- this is not necessarily sexual, but okay hear me out. i live somewhere super hot, and the best way to be is inside, in the dark, fan on high and as little clothes as possible. so i think for somewhere like mos pelgo, if he’s got some down time at home, he’s absolutely stripping down to as few layers as possible (if at all). so you know, dont be surprised if you’re hanging out at his place, and he walks around in like his (underwear), it’s just really hot and he has to wear a lot of layers, he’s sweating 

bo katan kryze

fuck you, i like bo

this will be a short section just because she is not very cuddly at all, and in general, is pretty cold and icy. i don’t know if she doesn’t like affection and pda if she’s just not interested, or if she’s extremely defensive and really wants to push that she’s a stone cold badass and has no weaknesses. 

if you manage to get bo to sort of slow down and relax, and she is in a relationship with you, she’ll show affection in like acts and services, specifically when it comes to your safety. like she’ll run extra patrols and will do everything in her power to make sure you are never in danger. the most cuddly she gets is when you sleep next to her every night, and even then you both have like Your Own Space when sleeping. listen, there’s probably a lot of depth in bo katan, and how much she’s lost (a lot of it sort of her own fault), and how much she wants to regain and take back, and the lengths she is willing to go to, and like listen we all have weak moments, like obviously she’s gonna wanna have your head in her lap SOMETIMES. but she’s also a top and SHe’s BuSY so you know.

koska reeves & axe wolves

i’m combining these two here in one section, wow

FUCK YOU, I LIKE AXE. out of all three of the like Mandalore mandalorians, i think he’s the most like affectionate. i think once you win him over, and show you’re not gonna ghost him or like idk try to kill him, i think he’s pretty casual. you can lay on him, and he’s cool with laying on you. he’s not really embarrassed with pda - he’s not like Against it completely, but he likes a quick kiss here and there. very sweet boy, very kind and gentle, he will flirt with you even after you get together, like its a constant stream of like cheesy pick up lines and one liners, he’s very dorky. just a dumb nerd, why are y’all so MEAN to him smh embarrassing

koska…,..,.,..,.., what a WOMAN. i think she’s like halfway between axe and bo in terms of affection in a relationship. like i think you have to build up a lot of trust, and establish a like respect between the two of you, but like she has no problem with letting you lounge around and curl up with her. i also think she’s gonna be protective, but honestly that’s a mando thing. they care about the people who care about them. i don;t think she gives a single fuck, so if you want to makeout in public, or even just want to hold her hand because your nervous, she absolutely wil let you like she does not seem the kind to like deny/reject you, you know? anyways i am in love with koska, sasha banks i am free every day i love u queen we stan

fennec shand

the one the ONLY. the most exciting thing about fennec is that she literally doesn’t give a fuck, so pda?? yeah, if you like fennec’s hand on your waist and her tongue down your throat and don’t mind other people around, shes super down with giving you some love in public. that’s not to saw she’s down with like fucking in public or in front of people, shes just not ashamed of her relationship and cares more about you than what other people think of you two. 

big spoon!! lay in her arms, let her cradle you and take care of you!! i think she also really enjoys you laying your head in her lap (i have another drabble about this here) but that way she can trace your face, or play with your hair if you like your hair played with, or even just kiss your nose.

you two normally lounge around in boba’s palace. there’s some sofas and lounge areas in the throne room that you two curl up on, but there’s a balcony on one of the upper levels that’s your favorite spot. you can lay next to her and enjoy her affections while the stars slowly drag themselves into the night sky. you’re away from prying eyes, and you can discuss your future with her and where you both might travel tom if you can sneak away for a few days. she’ll tell you all of the gossip of the crime world and all of the people boba and her have to sort through to establish the new king of the underbelly of the galaxy. its your and hers spot!! just a place to vibe and cuddle in peace. 

fennec doesn’t really sleep. she’s a mapper, rather than her like conking out for nine hours at a time. she doesn’t mind if you like sleep, you can sleep on her anytime !! lay your head on her shoulder, or on her chest — she‘ll keep you safe while you drift off to sleep. 

maul

maul is pretty grumpy, i have a cuddly drabble with him you can read here, but for the most part i think maul is the standard grumpy guy who doesn’t mind curling up with his s/o when they want to !! there are gonna be times where he’s not interested in touch or physical contact — maul has days that he needs space and time, whether he’s processing and meditating on past events, or if he’s just in need of maul-time. the best thing to do in those days is wait for him to sort of open the proverbial door to let you back in, or to wait until he crawls into your lap or into your bed to rest. 

he normally won’t refuse affections, but i the mornings he wakes up and all he can think about is your skin against his, or how sweet your eyes are, he’s not letting you do ANYTHINg. he wants your head on his CHEST he wants you in his ARM you are CUDDLING RIGHT NOW

i don’t really see maul being a little spoon (yes i do, i’m pretty tall so everyone is a little spoon if you’re under 5’11) BUT i think maul likes to hold you against his chest, and to wrap his arms around you. theres a protective element too. everything has been taken from maul, and he likes knowing your safe in his arms. if u DO catch his being a little spoon, he’s gonna be grumpy and very snickety with you. 

i don’t know how much you’’ be going out and about with maul, but pda just from a safety perspective is gonna be a soft know. if you’re in public with him, he’ll always be around you — maybe his hand will rest on your lower back or shoulder, or maybe a few of his fingers will curl around yours. just don’t expect to be making out in public, your relationship is taken very seriously by maul, and he’ll want to be careful and err on the side of caution.

maul likes it when you kiss him. he likes it when you pepper kisses all over his cheeks and along his jaw, he likes when you trace his marks and tattoos and place little kisses on his chest. something sweet and warm blooms in his chest when you reach over to pull his hand over so you can kiss his knuckles. its a gentle affection that no one has ever wanted to give maul. he sort of gives you the cold shoulder after the first few kisses, but he quickly is addicted with the unconditional love and attention and affection you give him. 

obi wan

okay here me out, so jedis are not allowed like attachments, so i don’t thing like Legally Officially you can cuddle with obi wan oh no sad BUT. that is not to say, if maybe, idk, there’s only one seat left on the star destroyer home, or only one BED while you too are on a very important jedi MISSION, well i mean. it’s not obi wan’s fault if you two end up cursing up, right? i mean, it is a little chilly on this planet, so it’s smart to stay together. for warmth. 

you’re gonna end up with your legs tangled, your arms around his neck, your hands tangled in his mullet — hes warmer than you expected, he radiates heat. maybe it’s how strong he is in the force, or if he’s just a warm body (or even if beneath the cool exterior, his blood runs hot) but you won’t need a ton of blankets if you have him. 

big spoon, a lot of like Vanilla Top energy from him. like i think if you do end up spooning or fucking, it’s gonna be simple. kenobi’s knowledge of sex and relationships is going to be very limited, and his experience is gonna be pretty limited as well. he knows the like most Basic position, the most Basic way to get you both off. if you continue with your relationship and trust each other more, and you can teach him a few tricks, he’ll warm up to the idea of you being a big spoon and maybe even topping.

obviously no pda, but when you’re around him, his sort of Presence makes itself more known to you, like you Feel him more than you would other people, even if he’s a few rooms away, you Know he’s near by you. it’s nothing sharp or crazy explicit in terms of like I FEEL HIS AURA AND SHIT like it’s just something gentleman reassuring and it’s all Him. little moments with him — meeting his eye across the room, your hands bumping into his, his hands lingering on you when he passes for just a moment longer than they should — it’s all you have with obi, and you cherish them so deeply. obi wan is gonna think about your affection long after you leave him — it’s an emotional thing for him. it’s the one point of contact and affection, and as much as you think about obi wan and your little moments, obi wan thinks about them more.

[litho-lich]

I just saw the techno video and I gotta say, im glad he can hold on to his humor like he is. Chemo is never easy but he seems okay so far

hoping for a not too sucky treatment time and a speedy recovery for the pig man

longer post and discussion about cancer below cut

I started writing this yesterday right after i saw the video but for some reason didnt post till now...

I know I’m probably not saying anything someone else hasn’t said before but I just wanted to say to anyone who follows me or may see this and needs to hear it, especially younger people; cancer is a serious thing and needs to be taken seriously but it's no longer the immediate death sentence it once was (some kinds are worse but from what I can gather, this isn't one of those kinds.) 

Im not going to possibly give false hope and say I know how this is going to end--im working on the same info as you guys and, like i said, it needs to be taken seriously--but my grandma kicked cancer's ass at 57 and that was 16 years ago; technology and chemo techniques have just gotten better since then and Techno said he was healthy before this and has great doctors.

Still it can be a scary situation to hear someone you know or know about has cancer, especially if this is your first time having it impact your life, and there is no shame in feeling upset about it, but please don't despair. Take care of yourself, take a step back if it gets to be too much, and send support in any way you can, if you can.

Support could mean well wishes, donating to cancer foundations if you have the money for it, being vigilant against passing on germs (not just covid) for the safety of immuno compromised people around you, getting vaccinated (again not just for covid) for the same reason, and so much more. When my grandma was sick, I made hats for a cancer charity in my area; they always need them, especially in colder climates, and it kept my hands busy

even if you can’t do any of these (tho i hope you are all being cautious about germs anyway) its important to take care of yourself too. don’t deny your own emotions cause that will just feel worse in the long run (trust me) but theres a difference between feeling an emotion and living in an emotion; one lets you deal with it and the other just kinda lets it take over.  

taking care of yourself could mean all the basic self care tips (ie: making sure you eat and hydrate, taking a shower/bath, sleeping, etc) but it also could mean taking a break from the internet, getting lost in a book or a project, or simply distracting yourself with other things. Emotional and mental health is just as important as physical.

My point is: its alright to be shocked or upset, but it will be okay. if you are ever feeling helpless, there are things you can do if you have the time, energy, and/or money to give and, if you cant, you can still take care of yourself and thats enough. Give techno space to recover at his own pace, give his friends and family space as well--including content creators--support him how you can through his own content and that he does with his friends, and please dont go looking for info beyond what he puts out

like i said, probably not anything someone else hasn’t said before, but in the off chance, i felt like i should write something up. also writing is how i, personally, channel my emotions, so this helped me a lot. normally i write fiction but i guess it was my turn to write an emotional well being PSA

btw this is about Technoblade but honestly this is my advice for most situations like these. Breathe, do what you can, dont worry if you cant do much, dont get lost in What Ifs, don’t get lost in your emotions but dont Not feel them, and, over all, take care of yourself

[phoenixfeathersinfall]

The Dax Debacle: Re-Imagining S7 of “Star Trek Deep Space Nine”

*This post came about after a few discussions with Lee @creativilee on how the stories of Jadzia and Ezri could have been adapted to better serve both of those characters and respect the work of both actresses! Thanks to them for all their help, encouragement, and serving as a springboard! Anything in italics is theirs!

For all of us DS9 fans, the finale season can be rather fraught for several reasons, many of the biggest revolving around the transition from Jadzia Dax to Ezri Dax, henceforth called “The Dax Debacle.” Many folks seem to love one and hate the other, which is a huge shame because both characters brought amazing potential and storylines to the table, but the writers really fumbled in some key aspects. This sure-to-be-long-winded meta is an attempt between myself and Lee to fix some of those fumbles and give both characters the storylines they deserved. So, let’s get to it!

First, a little behind-the scenes context.

Why Two Dax-es?

To begin with, it’s important to acknowledge that the Dax Debacle was largely unplanned, and the writing often reflects the ways in which Nicole de Boer was shoehorned in as Terry Ferrell’s replacement, just as the character of Ezri was deliberately put forward as Jadzia’s replacement as the next host of Dax. What happened?

It is widely believed, based on various interviews Terry gave during the show’s run, that the set of DS9 was inhospitable to her, placing her in situations of harassment and abuse. By the time of S7, due to this as well as the sheer grueling schedule of the show, she wanted to be moved from a permanent member of the cast into a reoccurring role like that of Andrew Robinson. When it proved fruitless to negotiate this, Terry decided to leave the show, though she explicitly stated she had not wanted Jadzia’s character to be killed on her departure.

Though the writers went through with the decision to kill Jadzia, they still wanted the character of Dax to remain on the crew, and due to the way Trill physiology was designed, they decided to do this with another host, similar to how Jadzia was initially seen as the continuation of Sisko’s old friend Curzon.

Enter Nicole de Boer as Ezri Dax, a young unjoined Trill who had never intended to be a host at all, and the story of her adjustment to carrying on the Dax legacy.

The Story’s Seed

It’s definitely worth noting that the initial conception of Ezri’s story, the young suddenly-joined Trill joined under trying circumstances who has to re-discover herself has a lot of potential! It could have been extremely poignant and moving, in something of the same vein as Seven of Nine rediscovering herself on “Voyager.” Unfortunately, the choices made regarding how she became the next Dax make it hard to appreciate Ezri on her own merits. Both we as the audience and the other characters are constantly seeing Jadzia in her place. It stymied who she was able to be as a character and how the audience was able to receive her. The way she was written invites constant comparisons, often to Ezri’s detriment in her initial interactions with the crew.

Lee said some things extremely well here: “Ezri as a character was hindered a lot by being made ‘Jadzia's replacement’ instead of ‘the next Dax,’ a Dax in her own right. While Jadzia definitely had Curzon's legacy to live with, it was absolutely not all she was, and she interacted with it as such, but Ezri wasn’t written with the same care. She isn't ‘Ezri Dax’ she's ‘Ezri, the one who replaced Jadzia.’ She was entirely written as a replacement, and it shows.”

Fumbles, Fumbles, Fumbles

Let’s review some things that went sideways in Ezri’s arc, so we can see it for the purposes of our rewrite.

The “I'm the new host of your dead friends symbiont" aspect is very difficult to watch. It’s hard to say if the writers wanted to lean into this aspect deliberately, but even if they did, I don’t think they ended up hitting the emotional notes they wanted to.

Ezri doesn’t seem to get much training from what we can tell, and being joined is a huge change! We learned from Jadzia’s arc that initiates often train for years. It’s wartime, but she still really did get thrown into the deep end!

The audience can’t approach Ezri on her own merits, but quite often, the crew isn’t doing that, either. There’s the caveat that they’re grieving and it’s an odd situation to be in, but! Sisko initially tries to interact with her in the same way he would Jadzia (calling her old man, which upsets her a great deal,) Julian flirts with her with the same intensity he did Jadzia in early seasons, Worf seems to only be seeing his dead wife any time he looks at her.

Ezri is given a role as ship’s counselor when she is in no way emotionally able to handle the psychological difficulties of others when she’s going through so much herself.

Her return to Deep Space 9 (the station) seems to contradict what we know about Trill culture. Joining is meant to give the symbiont as many life experiences as possible, and re-association (to various degrees) is anything from strongly discouraged to forbidden. Ezri goes right back to living Jadzia’s life in some ways, in the same place with the same people. Jadzia wasn’t able to resume her relationship with Lenara Khan, but Ezri finds herself being intimate with Jadzia’s widower.

Our alternatives and fixes for the arcs of Jadzia and Ezri fall into three broad categories, which we’ll break down here:

1. Ezri Not-Dax? (Ezri is still joined unexpectedly, but rather than the Dax symbiont, she is host to another symbiont which needed her.)

2. Where in the World is Jadzia Dax? (If Ezri isn’t a Dax, we have to figure out what to do with the Dax we know!)

3. The Legacy Question (The age-old Trill questions of new hosts, old hosts, and interpersonal relationships.)

Ezri Who? Ezri Not-Dax!

The best solution Lee and I were able to find was the idea that Ezri was joined under similar circumstances to canon, but not to Dax itself.

This is still largely workable for the story we want to tell, because, as Lee explains: “The Dax symbiont isn't key to her character, except to affect her relationships with the crew. Her main personal conflicts are about being joined before she was ready, not about being joined to Dax. She still would have worked without the Dax symbiont.”

For the sake of convenience, let’s call this hypothetical new symbiont Nal. So, Ezri Tigan —> Ezri Nal.

Where in the World is Jadzia Dax?

Theres 3 different paths we could take with Jadzia!

If Terry was made a reoccurring member of the cast, the writers could easily have put Jadzia into the position of being given a transfer assignment. Though Jadzia might initially struggle to accept this because of her loyalty to her friends, “with things picking up in wartime, it's believable that Starfleet would want the people more familiar with what dangers are on the other side of the wormhole to be spread around and maximize the number of ships and stations that are prepared for it. Maybe Jadzia acts as a representative and goes around giving lectures/debriefings on that stuff. This situation puts us in a position to get frequent updates about Jadzia, even if we don't see her again!"

If Terry did not stay on at all, Jadzia as a character could still have died, but the Dax symbiont finds a new host back on Trill, away from the station. Maybe we get updates about this Dax because Ezri trained with them for a bit, or the new Dax reaches out to Sisko from time to time, since he was well-acquainted with two previous Dax-es.

The option I like best for purely self-indulgent reasons would be if Terry stayed on for one more season and was present on the station when Ezri arrived, serving as a mentor to her.

The Legacy Question

Since the “TNG” days, Star Trek likes to experiment with Trill, and what happens in relationships between joined Trill and non-Trill, particularly in the case of a symbiont with a new host. We might assume this was part of the writer’s intent with the Dax Debacle, but it went over much better in the move from Curzon to Jadzia then it did in the move from Jadzia to Ezri.

Other options for exploring “the legacy question:”

“If they wanted to explore the whole ‘new host when the previous host was close to you’ thing, they could have had an episode that went into detail about Sisko meeting Jadzia for the first time after the death of Curzon.” Or, just having Sisko reflect more on the changes and developments in their relationship as time passes. They did this quite well initially when Jadzia first came aboard, but dropped it soon after the first season for the most part and left it to our amazing fic writers to pick it back up.

The character of Curzon is often used as a vehicle for explaining Jadzia’s connection to Klingon culture, but he also gives us access to a wealth of relationships which could be used to explore the legacy question. “Curzon had so many friends, and we see a variety of reactions from them, particularly with his Klingon friends. Some of them immediately fall back into that friendship, some of them struggle to recognize that Jadzia may not be Curzon, but she is still Dax, and has a lot of Curzon in her.” Keeping that thread going would have been intriguing also.

The Life of Ezri Nal

Here’s how some elements of Ezri’s story might look with the “Nal” symbiont.

Ezri is joined rather unprepared when a medical emergency puts the life of a symbiont at risk and the host is unable to be saved. For convenience, let’s call this symbiont Nal.

Ezri was always interested in Starfleet Service, especially in working as a counselor (which she studied on her own rather than gaining the knowledge through the memories of past hosts.) She assigned to the station by the Trill Symbiosis Commission largely because there are people there who will know how to help a newly-joined Trill; namely Sisko, Julian, and Jadzia.

Jadzia+ Ezri

Being the only other Trill on the station that we know about, Jadzia puts herself in a mentor role to Ezri, helping her adjust to her new life and consciousness. Her personality and experiences make her perfect for the job!

As a bonus, we get to see how the mentor and mentee relarionships between joined Trill and initiates work.

We also set up some fun parallels! Take Jadzia, who had to try so hard to be joined, and it was a huge goal in her life (to the point where she applied again to the Symbiosis Comission after being rejected once, which is played as something that basically never happens,) versus Ezri who was perfectly happy to be just herself and ended up taking on this responsibility without being ready and without feeling like she had much choice because of how Trill culture regards symbionts.

From the little we know about Jadzia before she was joined, she was somewhat like Ezri-bookish, shy, anxious-and she initially struggled to adjust to the likes of Curzon. But now, she’s gown so confident in who she is, for the most part, and she’d be the perfect person to guide Ezri and help her find joy in her new life.

But, she also understands having difficulties with aspects of being joined, for example, her conflict in whether she should rejoin with Lenara Khan, or how she struggled in the aftermath of the discovery of the cover-up regarding Joran.

In short, Jadzia helps keep Ezri as mentally and emotionally healthy as she can be.

Julian+Ezri

Being CMO, Julian helps look after Ezri and ensure she’s physically well; after all, it’s what he does best! “Having Julian as the Chief Medical Officer on board would be a big draw for the Trill. He's even performed a symbiont joining and removal procedure. He had to be very familiar with Trill biology, meaning a newly joined host would be relatively safe and well-cared-for on board. And, I’m sure that there's a big chemical change in Trill when the get joined, and adjusting to that would be hard!”

Julian can also sympathize having something done you didn’t want or weren’t ready for, and can help her process those feelings. “ They both have complicated relationships with their parents regarding their parents’ expectations and their own desires and feelings, which would be interesting!”

In some ways, Julian can serve as another mentor to Ezri. It would be an interesting shift to watch Julian, who is often portrayed as the the youngest or most “green” be able to mentor and guide someone else. “This is also a good way to show Julian has grown and matured, without having to have other characters just say it.”

If we still followed their romance route, having Ezri as Ezri Nal rather than Dax could have make the relationship between her and Julian sit a lot better with audiences. With a rewrite, Julian is not chasing the “ghost” of Jadzia; rather he’s meeting Ezri for the person she is, on her own terms. This also prevents a regression of his character back to the way he chased Jadzia in the early seasons, and instead honors the relationship of treasured friendship that Julian and Jadzia built.

Sisko+Ezri

As he is with many of his younger crew, Sisko takes naturally to the role of a mentor and father figure with Ezri, again meeting her for the person she is, on her own terms. He serves as a valuable guide to ship life and helps her get acquainted with station staff and residents.

Like with Jake, Sisko encourages Ezri to find herself by being her own person.

Ezri tries to take up cooking as a hobby with Sisko, but the experiences of past hosts mean her skills vary wildly depending on what they are making.

Other Relationships

Garak helps Ezri figure out how she wants to dress, often integrating different styles from past hosts. (He rather jumps at the chance.) Ezri still has her difficulties helping him as a counselor, but her additional training and the lack of complications from the Dax symbiont make things easier. They also get to know each other through Julian.

In this Ideal Timeline, Ziyal survives and meets Ezri. They relate well to each other, both of them not really knowing where they fit and grappling with someone else’s legacy, but they have each other for support. Ziyal has given her portraits as gifts.

She has a similar dynamic with Jake, who is trying to figure out how to honor his parents while being his own man. Ezri starts writing memoirs of sorts about her past lives on his suggestion.

Surprisingly, she gets on with Nog, too. They’re both doing things unexpected and feeling like they’re going to be the first in something big.

She isn’t especially close to Worf, but he assures her that the sacrifices she made for Nal are ones to be honored, and becomes rather fond of Ezri due to Jadzia’s influence.

Thanks for reading this super-long meta! Please tell Lee and I your thoughts on this rewrite!

[resident-beekeeper]

Ok so. Beekeeper Witcher AU partially based off of some stuff @dinahdarling said here.

Lost of other stuff to add to that because my brain rambles a lot and I can’t stop thinking about this

Geralt is surprised by how excited Jaskier is to see a swarm of bees because often people incorrectly think that bees swarming are going to be angrier than normal (they couldn’t be more wrong but the number of people who get very worried when they see a swarm is ridiculous, speaking from experience)

Jaskier initially gets a bit mixed up between bumblebees and honey bees, which really exasperates Geralt. E.g. he thinks that honey bee queens hibernate during the winter when the rest of the bees die, which is bumblebees. This is part of why Jaskier doesn’t realise about how much honey needs to be left for bees, because why would a hibernating queen need lots of honey?

He’s very eager to learn all about it though so Geralt sort of forgives him.

Ciri frequently helps out with the bees and she’s got her own bee suit, which is a kid’s one. (You can buy some very small bee suits) Jaskier finds this unbelievably adorable.

Geralt is on the local bee helpline which he claims is because that way he gets even more bees. And it is definitely part of that, but it is also that if nobody gets the swarm they’ll probably end up going into the rafters of a house, or a chimney if there’s one nearby. And if happens theres no real way to remove them without just killing the entire colony.

And often Ciri comes along because an extra pair of hands is always very helpful when catching swarms, especially when this involves transporting the colony in a van, so Ciri is very helpful.

People are both impressed and worried that Geralt has a small child helping him with a lot of bees.

Impressed because she's very good at it and people are always surprised when small people are calm around bees.

Worried because what if she gets stung?

Geralt let's Ciri have the gauntlets when they catch swarms so that she isn't stung on the hand, but people still worry because they're fools.

One time she had to hold a cardboard box of bees closed because Geralt had ran out of nuc boxes. (Pronounced like nuke as in the bomb) (its basically a small hive that you can put a swarm in and then transport it easily)

The bee helpline is sort of the equivalent of fighting monsters only instead of money as a payment Geralt gets bees.

He gets really frustrated with people who call the help when

They call about wasps instead of bees because bees are brilliant whereas wasps are shit. They sting a lot more and don't produce honey. They also occasionally try to steal honey from bees.

They call about some colony of bumblebees or something that are in a hole in their house wall because there is precisely nothing anybody can do about that other than kill them, and they aren't harming anyone. And Geralt isn't pest control anyway.

People think that what they have is a swarm when instead what it is is a colony, because people are idiots who don't know the difference between them. (A colony is bees living somewhere, a swarm is bees looking for a new place to live.)

Because of all the new colonies Geralt gets through his own bees swarming and swarms he gets from elsewhere, he runs out of hives so you know what that means.

Family make a beehive time.

At this point Jaskier is also part of the family so he and Ciri make up frames together because that's relatively easy and is also very rewarding because each frame doesn't take too long to build.

Geralt and Yennefer make brood boxes and supers together with one of them holding the parts in place and the other hammering in nails. (The brood box is where the queen is and so where the brood (baby bees) is, the supers are shallower and only have honey in them.)

The brood boxes and supers need painting in order to waterproof them.

Normally this is something that Ciri would do with bits of help because she really enjoys painting.

But this year Jaskier is around.

And hes determined to make sure that Geralt has the best looking beehives in existence.

Geralt insists that there really is no need. Plain white paint works perfectly well and they already have lots of it. (I know a dark colour would probably fit better with his aesthetic but those make beehives too hot when the sun comes out)

Jaskier will not hear of such nonsense. Of course the hives need to look their best. It's a shame he can't fix the boring hives Geralt has at the moment but you can't really paint a hive with bees currently in it.

So one day he goes to B&Q and gets loads and loads of paint samples in lots of colours. And he draws a proper design on paper first because it has to be perfect.

It's an overly complicated design of various mythical creatures which all have absolutely nothing to do with bees but Jaskier thinks they look great.

He and Ciri spend a long time painting the beehive, which has a different setting for each part of it, with the most complicated (a wolf chasing after a group of kelpies) on the brood box because it's the biggest.

There's dragons on one of the supers, with a sky that isn't a consistent blue because paint samples aren't actually that big, but they're similar at least.

The other super has a Griffin flying at sunset (it looks nice and there isn't enough blue for daylight).

Of course it would be lovely to have the hive with one specific theme, but given hive parts are changes around fairly frequently depending on how much space the bees need, that it unfortunately not an option. Jaskier does fade each design out to white at the very edges so the jump between them isn't too jarring.

Suddenly Geralt minds a lot less because they are both clearly having a lot of fun, even if he won't admit it.

I'm definitely gonna write more for this, but I think that's enough for now

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

*tosses coin to my writer, o valley of plenty* if I may get a little Jask fic where the reader is cursed to be extremely ugly, and is ashamed and hides in a cloak/helmet/whatever to hide her face. Obviously shes in love with him, but theres no way he would ever love someone so hideous. Inevitably, one day someone sees her without the mask, (I dont care who, it can be anyone, even Jask) and they end up talking feelings and shame and all that good stuff.

Fandom: The WitcherPairing: Jaskier x ReaderWord Count: 2,236 Rating: Ga/n: I love the concept of a reader being cursed and bonding with Jaskier over emotions instead of the usual “you’re hot, I’m hot, let’s fuck” (though my catalogue supports that I am not against this particular trope at all). I had a bit of a dilemma when trying to figure out how to approach because I am very cognizant of the way ugliness is socially constructed and I didn’t want to put a bunch of features on blast that someone may recognize in themselves and feel shitty about. Fanfic should either make you happy or sob or sigh but it should never make you feel bad about yourself. So I put a bit of a spin on it and I hopethat’s ok. I think I’ve still got the core of what you’re asking for here and I hope I handled it well. Thank you for coming to my TEDtalk.

There were those who spurned fairytales. They dismissed the stories of fairy godmothers and curses as children’s tales, moralistic tools for discipline. You knew better. You knew all too well how real fairy godmothers were, and how vicious they were when their charges were mistreated. You’d never been able to glean from your father what act he committed to enrage the fairy so but you knew the fallout. Your mother died in childbirth and you, against all odds, stubbornly clung to life and survived. Another punishment had to be handed down and the curse was placed. When you looked in the mirror you saw someone plain. Features indistinct and uninteresting, a canvas of a person. 

You were the lucky one. When others looked at you, they saw the face of the ugliest creature their imaginations could conjure. The fairy had been clever, knowing all too well that beauty was in the eye of beholder and that the only way to ensure your misery and loneliness was to make sure that every eye that beheld you saw something so uniquely gruesome to their own taste that they could not look past it. Your father was included in this and though he denied it you knew between that and losing your mother he was not able to feel or express love for you as he would have been if you weren’t so repugnant in his eyes.

You took to traveling and healing, still clinging to life like you had in your infancy, still determined to fight for your space in the world. Travelling meant you never had to get to know anyone too well or get too close. You’d tried using paints as other ladies did if they wanted to change their appearance but this only seemed to intensify the revulsion you inspired. You ended up wearing a heavy, hooded cloak and a kerchief about your mouth for extra measure. You were an intimidating figure but you tried to balance this with a soft voice and greater skill in healing. If you could offer something to people, you could briefly get the interaction you craved. But you always kept travelling and you rarely ran into the same person twice.

Until Jaskier.

You met him the way you met most people; providing a service. He’d come by your wagon in a rough state, explaining as you cleaned up his wounds that he’d gotten into a disagreement during his performance the night before. He was charming and kind, only asking about your odd attire once and then leaving it be when you made it clear you didn’t want to discuss it. He paid you more coin than you would have asked and you felt grateful that you’d had the chance to meet him and knew it would remain an encounter you kept close to your heart the rest of your days.

And then you saw him again. This time he caught you unawares, out on a very rare excursion away from your wagon to get some supplies. You’d never had someone see you a second time and look so happy about it. He joined you on your shopping, haggling with the shop owners and asking you for advice on the songs he was writing. He tried to get to know you a bit more, asking about how long you’d been traveling and why you’d chosen healing as a profession. It was easy to talk to him and you almost forgot he couldn’t see the burden you hid beneath your wrappings. He walked you back to your wagon, even going so far as to help you up into it, his hand grasping yours lightly to support you. Your touch starved skin tingled for hours in the spot his hand had been.

The third time you saw him was the worst day of your life. You’d known you were taking a risk by leaving the wagon without the hood and mask but you tried to convince yourself that you were only going down to the river for a moment to bathe. It was early winter and you knew no one would be around, smartly tucked up in their houses with their loved ones and fending off the frost. The water stung your skin but you enjoyed the sensation, happy to be free of the heavy clothes for these moments.

And then you saw him.

You clamored out of the river but you’d only pulled on your dress, still scrambling for the cloak when he stopped in his tracks. Confusion followed by recognition followed by even more confusion washed over his face and you felt your heart break as he cautiously approached.

“Y/N?” he asked. There was no point in pretending, the cloak and kerchief were in hand.

“Jaskier,” you said. You stood across from each other in silence for what felt like ages. You weren’t sure what you were expecting him to do. Not everyone who saw you was cruel, some were just afraid which was almost worse. Jaskier just looked confused and intrigued. His eyes kept traveling over your face like he was trying to commit it to memory.

“Say something,” you said finally, your voice choked with repressed tears. He walked towards you slowly as though he were trying not to spook a horse. By the time he reached you the tears fell from your unblinking eyes. You kept looking for the moment he would turn. The revulsion that would shatter the lovingly preserved memories of him forever. He reached out and brushed away the tears and then reached down and took the cloak from your hands. You stood unmoving as he gently wrapped the cloak back around you, lifting the hood to cover your half-frozen hair. He held the kerchief in his hand but didn’t cover your face, just fidgeted with it as he worked to form words.

“So this is your deep secret,” he said. You nod, unable to form words.

“I’m disappointed.”

The words broke your heart.

“I thought it would be that you were a murderer or a dangerous fugitive,” he continued.

“What?”

“Well, I mean, unless, are you?” he asked.

“No,” you answered.

“Ok so you wear the cloak and the kerchief and the layers and things because…” his voice trailed off, leaving the question open for your answer.

“Because I’m hideous,” the words are like ashes in your mouth but you’re accustomed to the taste.

“According to whom?” he asked. You scoffed incredulously.

“Everyone. Literally everyone. That’s how it works.”

“That’s how what works?”

“The curse.”

“You’re cursed? How fascinating.”

His words anger you and you fear that he’s mocking you, that maybe the kindness he’s shown is just an act and that this a fresh way to experience cruelty. You thought you’d seen them all.

But you tell him the story. You tell him about the curse and your mirrorless childhood and the moment you saw your face and the worse moment when you began asking people to describe you and learned the true nature of the curse, far beyond the loss of a mother or a plain face. You don’t know when you both sit on the ground but at some point you’re there next to each other, leaning against the wheels of the wagon as the words continue to tumble out of you like a dam that’s finally broken. No one has ever heard this much of you, seen this much of you, or sat this long with you in your life and you stop caring how he’s going to react at the end. This isn’t about him anymore, this is about you releasing all that you’d carried and all that you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life. When you’re done you notice he’s taken your hand at some point and his thumb is softly rubbing soothing circles around your knuckles.

“So now this is my life. I stay hidden for my sake as much as everyone else’s. I heal because it’s better than sitting locked up in a house all my life and because it helps me feel… well, just that I suppose. It helps me feel. I would rather feel those brief moments of connection than stay numb my whole life,” you say. You’re startled to see there are tears in his eyes and he pulls you into a hug, not sure if he’s comforting you or himself but you hug him back though you’re long out of practice.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs into the hood of your cloak, “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Everyone has their curses I suppose,” you mumble, a little embarrassedand uncertain how to respond.

“Yes but the worst part is it’s all so stupid. So people find you ugly, so what? What could that possibly have to do with your worth as a person?” he asks.

“It’s easy to say that when you’re beautiful,” you say bitterly.

“Beauty doesn’t secure your place in people’s lives. It sure as hell doesn’t make them want you around either,” he says. “But tell me you realize this can’t keep on forever.”

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“Well this… lonely existence, it’s miserable. No offense. Even you said as much. Are you really going to just hide yourself away forever?”

“I didn’t… I don’t see any other option.”

His hand is warm as it gently cups your face and your heart nearly leaps out of your chest.

“Take me with you,” he says.

“What?”

“Take me with you. I make a better travelling companion than most think. And I can help! Not with the healing and such but… listen, I had a friend who was treated much the same as you describe and I was able to help… bridge the gap between him and the people around him,” he says.

“How did you do that?”

“I wrote a song. Now, I’m not suggesting I write a song unless…” his voice trails off and he waggles his eyebrows winningly but your stony face is answer enough.

“Yes that’s what I thought. In any case with me by your side your loneliness is eased and if being there doesn’t communicate a more welcoming message I can at the very least defend your honor.”

You laugh, the sound foreign to your ears.

“And how will you do that?” you ask.

“I… will figure that out!” he vows.

“Can I ask you something,” you ask, growing serious again and avoiding his eyes.

“Anything.”

“What do you see? When you look at me? What do I look like?”

He considers the question and then pulls out a journal and quill from his travelling bag. You try to lean over and see what he’s doing but he pulls the journal away from your sight, tsking at you and telling you to be patient. Your stomach twists in knots as he glances between the journal and you and just when you’re about to lunge for it, he makes a final flourish and hands you the book.

A sob wracks through your body the moment your eyes meet the page and a trembling hand covers your mouth.

“I’m not an excellent artist but I don’t think it’s so bad,” Jaskier says, concern furrowing his brow. You can’t form words for a while, the jagged sobs seemingly endless as Jaskier rubs your back, confused but trying to be supportive until your sobs break into something that sounds a little less heartwrenching and then breaks into laughter. You look at him, eyes shining with tears and something else, something a bit more hopeful and new.

“It’s me,” you whisper, pointing to the drawing. The drawing of the face you saw in your reflection as a child, just older. The face no one has ever seen until this man who’s looking at you like you’re insane but also very relieved that you’d stopped crying. Well, not entirely, but they seem to be happy tears now.

“Yes I know,” he says.

“No, Jaskier, Jaskier, it’s me,” you can’t explain what this means just yet. There aren’t words and you aren’t sure you understand yet yourself.

“I see you,” he says, wiping away some of the tears again, leaning in closed to rest his forehead against yours, “I see you.”

There are those who spurn fairytales. They dismiss the stories of destiny and of a love that cannot be repelled by curses or the weight of a life heavy with trauma. You know better.

[galactichoneybee92]

Some Improbable Season 5 Headcanons

Fair warning: These things aren’t going to happen. But while I’m obsessing, I sometimes imagine possible scenarios that would be interesting to watch play out. Perhaps a more industrious person would write these into fanfiction however, I am not that person. And so you get a half-assed  Tumblr post about my imaginings. Please enjoy:

1. What happened to the sword? I don’t remember, I just know that it broke and now Adora is unable to become She-Ra (Until she inevitably learns how to do so without the sword as Madame Razz was clearly insinuating was possible to Mara) But I like to imagine that she lef the pieces of the broken sword where they lay. I also like to imagine  a scenario in which Hoard Prime has his clone minions doing recon on the new planet and they find the pieces of the sword. Later, they bring them back to the ship. 

Skip to a scene where Catra and Glimmer are present, perhaps being questioned about someone his troops have heard about called She-Ra, a defender of this planet. He wonders aloud if this She-Ra will be someone he will have to contend with, only to have one of his troops present the broken pieces of the sword. “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about anything like that, Sir. I have it on good authority that there is no more She-Ra” (Or something like that Idk how they talk) He smiles, meanwhile Catra and Glimmer poorly try to conceal their reactions. They have both been operating under the assumption (hope) that since the planet survived, that Adora did too. Not knowing that Adora shattered the sword herself, tey are now faced with the horrifying realization that perhaps Adora didn’t make it out of this and that for both of them, their last interaction was horrible. 

I like the miguided assumption that Adora has died, mostly because I want to torture the two of them a little for being butts, but also because often people don’t appreciate what they have until they lose it. Even having “lost” Adora like Catra did, she still saw her regularly. They still interacted, even if those interactions were fighting or exchanging snarky banter. Even if someone hates you (Which Adora clearly doesn’t, Catra, you’re just being self destructive)  that hatred is still a form of ackowledgement- It’s not the same as losing someone entirely. I want to see the two of them (But mostly Catra because she’s my favorite little disaster) forced to face with the reality of Adora’s “death” Especially since in Catra’s case it’s sort of like getting what you asked for and realizing that it wasn’t what you wanted at all. 

I want Glimmer specifically to witness Catra’s reaction to this news as a way of gaining a deeper understanding of the relationship between the two of them. I feel like Glimmer has never viewed Catra as very nuanced, instead just grouping her into a box, labeling it “villain” and calling it a day. Realistically she’s never had any reason to consider any of the layers of Catra’s character but I kind of find it odd considering that Adora used to be best friends with Catra. Has Glimmer really never wondered why? Never thought that somewhere under all the snark and barbs there must be a reason why Adora loved her  was her friend in the first place? 

Lastly, I’m a sucker for a dramatic entrance, and if they think that Adora is dead, they’d never expect her to show up, which leads to self indulgent imaging number two...

2. Sneaky spy Adora. I feel like I am perhaps giving Adora and Bow too much credit here because espionage has never really been their strong suit, but imagine for me if you will a scenario in which they decide to be subtle. The two of them sneak onto Hoard Prime’s ship and do some spy work, trying to decide on the best course of action to take him out and get Glimmer home. This would be a great opportunity to give Adora a much needed costume change and while realistically I know that the whole vibrant 80′s theme isn’t going to allow it, I would love to see her in black. Also something backless, but that comes into play later in part three. This all ties together. I’ve had a lot of time to plan this. 

So they sneak in and while like, peering out from an air vent or something (Idk the make up of the ship ) she is shocked to see that Catra is there too and that while she and Glimmer still snap at eachother and exchange dirty looks and stuff, they are reluctantly working together. I imagine their situation is sort of like, they come out and do various activities on the ship, whatever Hoard Prime deems them useful for, but they are locked in a cell overnight. Adora observes both situations while trying to get the layout of the ship and formulate a game plan.

I’m not going to say that Bow having actual real live pointy arrows made for long distance stabbing would be an advantage instead of his like, novelty prank arrows buuuuuut..... I know that this is a kid’s show but there are other cartoons that allow characters to get stabbed and stuff like, it could happen. It won’t buuuut anyway....

While running around the ship (in a dramatic hooded cloak that covers her face because of course, what do you take me for) and like, sabotaging things and preparing to dismantle this whole operation, Adora runs into perhaps both Catra and Glimmer but at least Catra (Because sorry Glimmer, I do actually like you but like, I’m playing favorites hardcore here) Maybe she helps with something they’re trying to do and gets caught. They don’t realize it’s her but now this mysterious hooded figure is on their radar. And then when the actual attack happens Adora gets her big reveal and it’s super dramatic and they realize that not only is Adora alive, she was the one they met earlier and just. I’m trash for that kind of trope. Really I am. This then leads into the big battle which also leads into point number three...

3. This point is less concrete, but do you remember Adora’s backless number? Perhaps a black halter top of some kind paired with black pants? Yeah? This is why it’s important. When Adora and Bow finally make their move, Bow goes to rescuse the girls while Adora levels her attack on Hoard Prime. Catra and Glimmer are in their cell and hear alarms start going off. They startle, frustrated at being trapped and unable to know what’s happening outside.

 Then Bow shows up in his own dramatic black hooded cloak (He’s very happy to shed it and let his middrift free once more. It’s felt very unnatural) they’re shocked to see him. But like, it works because Catra probably knew that someone would come for Glimmer but it makes since that it would be Bow since Adora is “dead.” Maybe in a previous conversation (During the time in which the two hesitantly began bonding, because you can’t tell me that’s not where this is going) Glimmer expressed doubt that anyone would come for her after she did such a terrible job being queen. Anyway with Bow here, he and Glimmer hug and they make their escape, the three of them, during which someone questions Bow on what’s happening and he just says that Hoard Prime is being distracted.

Why is the rescue mission just Bow and Adora? Idk. Didn’t think that far ahead. Just go with it. Maybe the other princesses are waiting for their cue to join in later. Maybe it’s because there isnt any water or plants in space and they’re kinda useless. Maybe Entrapta will join in (She has to actually, so she can reunite with Hordak and then he has his whole amnesia thing but like, that’s not part of this. That is a seperate post) Anyway the important thing is that they aren’t here at this point. 

So, Catra and Glimmer are confused about who is distracting Hoard Prime and then, there we go. The dramatic entrance. They look and see Adora in her new outfit, mid-battle with Hoard Prime. And like. It’s a hard battle and she isn’t really making any progress on her own, but she’s fighting really hard and well. I feel like people often forget that Adora was top of her class back in the Hoard like, even if she isn’t She-Ra she’s got to be pretty bad ass and whether the show wants to explore this or not, I will.  I have a theory for this that I will expand on in just a bit. 

So they go to join her only to realize that theres like an invisible barrier preventing them from joining. Maybe it’s a security measure made to protect him from attack that she used to trap her in there with him, while simultaneously keeping his minions out. Maybe it’s just because I want Catra and Glimmer to be forced to watch this battle for a bit while Bow tries to disable the force field but it’s mostly because I’m shipping trash and I want Catra to observe two things.

The first is that Adora looks really cool in this new outfit. Also Adora’s hair is down because I like it that way. She has a new sword, one that’s just a sword and not a She-Ra sword. This one is just for wrecking shit. The second is that Adora is way better at fighting than Catra expected and when Catra expresses this sentiment Glimmer just looks at her like she’s fucking dumb and says something along the line of “I kind of assumed you were the brains of the Hoard, but you’re dumber than I thought if you think that Adora was ever ACTUALLY trying to hurt you.” Followed by, “It’s a shame you didn’t return the sentiment.” And then you get this moment of Catra just watching Adora being really kick ass, coming to terms with the fact that Adora never fought ALL OUT against Catra the way she is against Hoard Prime, like, Adora never tried to murder Catra. And then the last part of Glimmer’s statement sinks in and then Catra notices the claw marks scarred down Adora’s shoulderblades. The ones that she put there, because even if Adora never really tried to hurt Catra, Catra sure as hell never held back on her. And then Catra feels like shit because while I absolutely love her to pieces, she’s been kind of horrible and I want her to suffer a little more before her redemption. 

See why the backless top was necessary? Yep. Good. 

Anyway, predictably Bow lowers the barrier and they join the fight. Maybe Adora takes a bad hit and then Catra catches her or soemthing. The two look at eachother, both realizing that it’s been too long since they fought on the same side, but also silently acknowledging how good it feels. This is meant to foreshadow Catra eventually joining the good side permanantly. They all fight Hoard Prime and maybe the other princesses join in, but since this isn’t the final episode  (Maybe like episode 4 or so?) they don’t defeat him. But they DO do some damage and excape back to Etheria. 

5. This one fits in somewhere before the last point but idk where exactly. Honestly it’s not even important where this snippet goes but at some point Hoard Prime reads Catra’s mind. I don’t know if cannonically he can only read his clone’s minds, but clearly I’m not writing for the show okay, this is my pointless headcanon. I don’t even know the context but Glimmer is there too and Hoard Prime, maybe having grown suspicious of Catra’s loyalty, reads her mind and just drags her. He kind of taunts her for beign sad that her “mother never loved you” to which she snaps like “Shadow Weaver is NOT my mother.” And he just tuts and is like “But it feels like she is.”  And then they get to Adora  and Catra says something about hating her and he calls her out on it like, “Hm no, that’s not quite right is it? No, you love her quite a bit” And then he does that villain thing where they’re kind of talking to themself while filing through your thoughts and it’s like “She would be like your sister after all but oh, whats this? Oh, so not like a sister after all.” And he like, puts her on blast for being in love with Adora. And she denies it and he replies with “A shame you don’t actually mean half the things you say.”

Meanwhile Glimmer is there witnissing it because I don’t know if you can tell yet but like, I really want her to have a better understanding of Catra. I want Catra to understand Glimmer too, but I feel like that’s possible without physically dragging the truth from her like.... she’s not in a great place mentally but no one is worse than Catra, lets be real.

That’s absolutely the most self indulgent part of this entire mile-long post and I don’t even know what you’re doing still reading this. But if you were wondering what I imagine going down, it’s this.

All my imaginings end in Catradora, because I am shipping trash.

So like, if anyone wants to write this out just tag me so I can see it, because I’d love to read it. But if not? Totally understandable. I’m more suprised you read it all because it is 100% a  self-indulgent conglomoration of all my favorite tropes, shoved together whether they make sense or not. 

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG //CHAPTER 20

i mispelt the title as ‘oofal hunt’ which, i mean, mood,

IN THIS EPISODE OF DEPRESSION TO THE MAX:

"Fuck you."

THAT’S IT. THAT’S-- THERE’S THE CHAPTER.

/looks at the chosen lyrics for this chap :hrm:

do i still have to a little introduction to this liveblog? twenty chapters in? methinks not so lets just get right Tew It shall we

“We’re here, Ms. Fall.”

/marks this next section down on the tally of cinder’s mistakes. we’re somewhere in the high thousands.

An old Dust extraction point, quietly rotting. Cinder’s mouth pulled. There was an abysmal dearth of kindling.

cinder: you know you could at least take me somewhere better suited for me to kick your ass. this is VERY rude. am NOT a fan. my yelp review will NOT be kind.

i love cinder counting up the numbers. you know honestly id be deeply charmed if someone saw it fit to bring half an army out to take me on. i mean, would it be a pain in my ass? yes. but also. awh. thanks lads! love how many of you blocked out this evening just for me x

"Sienna Khan!" Cinder could barely hear herself between the claws of that strange laughter. "Sienna Khan! It’s really—really—you!"

uh-oh sisters,

oh man sienna and cinder is just. look. WOOF. theres a lot here. a lot going on. a lot that HAD gone on. but also im gay so this tension is peak for me PLEASE lay it on thick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LETS GO!

Cinder stopped laughing.

"Overkill," she repeated, and in the same breath, crossed the tarmac in full immolation.

HELL YEAH BABEY. but also was the more the implication that cinder is an easy kill OR the implication that glynda’s the bigger threat that’s more annoying,,,,,,,,,,,,, well!!!!!!!! too late to find out now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They clashed: once, twice, three times, steel on Aura, flitting through space, but—he wasn't faster than Glynda.

wait it’s the former i forgot cinder’s gay nvm

“Cinder. I mean it. I want to talk.” Sienna’s face revealed nothing. Her gaze stayed fixed on Cinder, as if she were searching for something.

What it could be, Cinder had her guesses, and all of them repulsed her utterly. She spat, “Well, I was only planning on sending your Lieutenant’s head to you in a box signed Love Cinder, so I didn’t really come with a speech prepared.”

SDHJGHJGSKFD SORRY IM LIKE. tryna liveblog but im also just :EYES: at everything here.......... im SO PUMPED for this cause im just SO CURIOUS,,,,,, WE’VE HAD SO MANY SNIPPETS,,,,,,,,, BUT IM HONGRY FOR MORE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

that said i feel like cinder’s the type of person who revisits arguments in her head hours later with new, better points, so i think she does have a speech prepared. in fact i think she has many words stored up in the ol’ meatspace, and all of them are very rude,

The Sienna Khan that Cinder remembered still had baby-fat in her cheeks and hadn’t learned to keep her thoughts off her face. The one she saw now had weaponized distance.

/stage whisper hang on that visual is cute dont put it in HERE where the TENSION IS

Quietly, Sienna went for her belt, pulling away something the same polished silver as her whip. It might have been an arrow tip, except that it was lethally barbed and looked like it had been modified to chamber Dust. Pale blue glinted within it.

Cinder darkened. "Ice Dust?"

sienna: i wanna talk sienna: with violence!

GOD ITS REAL INTERESTING CAUSE,,,,,,,,,, THERE’S A LOT HAPPENING HERE. glynda didnt Know cinder in any sense so we’ve very much been on the ‘let’s figure cinder out with glynda’ train like the whole. the rain! and the desert! etc! all very much thru the lens of glynda ‘i dont remember shit’ goodwitch! so now we have seinna who Knows Shit cause there’s so much history here and im like blease wait talk more first i want the KNOWLEDGE

[...] "Roman Torchwick is holed up in Vytal with your warehouses, and those two teens haven’t been sighted in months... But you wouldn't send them that far north, would you?”

“I wouldn’t send them anywhere you could get your claws in them.”

“The White Fang isn’t like that anymore. We don’t strong-arm children into our ranks. That girl—the snake Faunus—”

“If you say one more word about her,” Cinder said. “I’m going to do something drastic to every single person here.”

ACTUALLY TALK LESS TALK LESS LETS FIGHT RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! AND NOT TALK!!!!!!!! A T A L L

Sienna's shoulders leveled. "This is not Hróðvitnir's White Fang anymore."

me: huh why do i recognise that name,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, me: oh yeah!!!!!!! that bitch,

HJGDSJKHGFDS we Love a homage to a classic au and to a cinder so good that id die for her. i mean id die for this cinder too but like that was another level of Die For. anyway. back to the au at hand,

“If I didn’t know better, I might believe you," Cinder snapped, and her old scars throbbed in tandem. “But I do know better. I found one of your parasites, sucking the life out of a town near the wastes. Bringing the White Fang’s protection. You should have seen how he protected them. There wasn't a child there without a fang or an antler missing."

hang on a sec, lets LEAP BACK in time for just a moment

okay so i nipped back to chapter five for just a hot second to see if there was a line that was particular pertinent, but also i found smthng else...

Violence collected at her twitching fingers, old scars across her body flaring with phantom pain. (Chapter 5)

“If I didn’t know better, I might believe you," Cinder snapped, and her old scars throbbed in tandem. (Chapter 20)

HM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, man. cinder. you got real fucked up huh. ANYWAY THAT WASNT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR I JUST LINED THE CONTINUITY (because im jealous). what i was ACTUALLY looking for was THIS:

There would be another overseer, the inhabitants would resume their harried lives, and Cinder wouldn’t spare this town a second thought.

i said at the time in an emotional fit of pain that this was a straight-up lie but cinder is nothing if not a melting pot of emotional reckoning, and I WAS RIGHT. LET IT BE INSCRIBED UNTO THE STONES!!!! SHE DID SPARE IT A SECOND THOUGHT!!!!!!!! HELD IN HER MIND LONG ENOUGH TO RECALL THE DETAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JUST 2 SPIT IT IN SIENNA’S FACE!!!!!!!!! im telling you that cinder has SO MUCH MORE GOING ON!!!!!!!!!!! and heres my PROOF. PROOF OF WHY SHES AN ANGEL (ONLY ON TUESDAYS THOUGH [10AM-1PM])!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then: "Why don't you say," Sienna responded slowly, her expression slotting into place like a bullet chambering, "precisely what you mean, Cinder."

"Fuck you."

:’3c

cinder has such a way with words. i love her eloquence. remember that time glynda thought she was taking the piss out of the fact she was autistic at dinner? cinder yr a maestro. never change.

“You brought Beowolves to heel. You could turn a Goliath with a word!"

“I had—no—Aura! Nothing to protect me!”

:eyes: :thinking:

HM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, INTERESTING??????? i feel like this is the first time we’ve heard of cinder w/o aura implicitly? unless im Stupit and dont remember a Got Dang Thing but HUH. does this. hm. huh. am i stupid. someone tell me if i missed a thing.

“This isn’t a diplomatic mission, Cinder. I simply wanted to know what their lives were worth to you—before we wipe our hands of each other for good.”

“That’s a funny way of saying only one of us is walking away from this.”

GOD,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i LOVE this scene a lot the interplay between sienna and cinder is absolutely PEAK,,,,,,,, PEAQUE,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, im rly enjoying this. also im dying. but im enjoy it a LOT.

“The White Fang you and I grew up in doesn't exist anymore. We’re changing. But you… When did you stop caring? Was it when you cut your horns to be one of them instead?"

Dragonfire scorched Cinder's lungs, blackening every word: "I was never—your—people."

feels like its been a good goddamn whilst since i got to do one of these 👈😎👈, so let’s savour the moment

👈👈👈👈👈👈😎👈👈👈👈👈👈

aaaaaand savoured. lets continue.

Shaking with the effort of holding her strike, Sienna grit, "I won't relish this."

And Cinder howled, "I will!”

ah shit i shouldve said lets RELISH this to tie the whole theme together and-- and fuck it, combat scene. never good at liveblogging these. sdfjhgsdfghj

Gunfire sparked against her, but she honed in on him with single-minded intent, the kind she’d whetted to a razor’s edge against Glynda.

for a chapter following cinder escaping glynda, she’s thought about her TWICE now. huh. huh. interesting. gay. and interesting,,,,,,

It was nothing like fighting Glynda. This was bleak and repetitive: the second drove forward and Sienna covered his openings, stopping Cinder before she could rip his heart from his chest, and all the while, the gunfire whittled away at her Aura. It was a joyless tactic, no flair or heart, and yet—

HUH. GAY AND INTERESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO FLAIR OR HEART,,,,,,,,,, i cant believe every time they fought cinder was actually just doing a shit job of flirting. the more you know.

The world erupted into flames. They grew massive, swirling around her like a hurricane—Cinder’s Aura exploded outward in desperation, like a dying star defiantly spending the last of itself on a supernova; one final flare, brighter than entire galaxies, if only for a single moment. Cinder felt flashes of bright pain through her muscles as if the fire was burning her from inside.

MAN,,,,,,,,,,,,, I COULD TALK ABT SOME UH,,,,,,,,,,,,, well. i could talk abt a few things here. but theyre kinda 👈😎👈 so i WONT,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but kno that i am having some Thoughts on the matter. hm.

“Prove it!” Death was thrumming in her veins. It had never made her brave before. It did now, the memory of Glynda’s blind, resolute stare heady in her skull. “Come and prove it! Do it, or I’ll hunt you to your last, miserable breath, Sienna!”

so remember when glynda had her little outburst at winter and i said that i love how cinder rubbed off on glynda in the worst way? i cant believe glynda ALSO rubbed off on cinder ALSO in the WORST WAY!!!! this is how u know this truly is a soulmates thing.

“It’s a shame you outgrew your swords, Cinder Fall. I would have taken them as a trophy,”

it’s with great disappointment that i must say: i agree with adam. the swords were hot. they should come back.

Sienna’s footsteps were whispers at Cinder’s back. The trap was closing. Cinder pooled flame in one palm. The other hand was useless, limp at her side. Impotent rage tasted like blood in her mouth. “I don’t even remember your fucking name.”

HJGKDSFKJHGFSDJDHGF GOD IM SORRY BUT THIS MADE ME LAUGH. WHAT A LINE. WHAT A LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i may actually have to draw this scene that image is SO wonderful. just cinder, staggering, exhausted, and she still manages to just spit that out. im screaming. shes a champion. i think she won this battle literally just there pack it up her burns come in more flavours than one.

Beneath Cinder, Hati turned, scanning for an escape, but she didn’t drop Sienna’s gaze. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she said, “I’m told I’m something of a menace.”

firstly: AAAAAAAAA HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BABY BOY OH NO THATS NO GOOD BAD TIMES AWFUL FEELS MY GUY!!!!!!!!!!!! secondly: CINDER THESE ZINGERS ARE UNREAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JESUS CHRIST. I KNEW YOU LIED WHEN YOU DIDNT HAVE A SPEECH HOW MUCH MATERIAL HAVE YOU GOT IN THERE?????????

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD

WAIT WHAT HANG ON

WHAT

WAIT

W H AT

okay wait hold on lets dial back i read ahead and dint live blog wait rthereghsdfgjhdffd HOLD ON

Cinder buried her face in Hati’s mane, hating them, hating, hating, hating. Black ichor clotted in Hati’s fur, tacky against her palms. Grimm didn’t have Auras to protect them, and exit wounds riddled Hati’s mighty body. Cinder’s heart lurched with fury. She could have screamed.

i read this bit and got STRESSED because hati is PEAK like hati didnt even fucking SHOW UP in og but i LOVE HIM and i knew shit would happen because its fucking offal hunt BUT

It should have been impossible at this distance, but Cinder could feel her gaze like traded blows, even nestled among the black of Hati’s pelt.

Sienna’s eyes shone like coins. They were cool, detached. Prepared.

She twisted her wrist and the whip flickered through the air in tight wheels. Its end glittered pale blue.

UH OH

Adrenaline cooled to permafrost in Cinder’s body, as though the Dust had already found its home between her ribs.

Cinder whispered, “Don’t.”

UH OH

Expressionless, Sienna gave a wide lash, and the jagged end of her whip released with a click. Silver sliced through the air, then through feathers and fur, with a sickening sound—wet and meaty as the arrowhead dagger buried itself deep into flesh. Hati’s whole body shuddered and Cinder only had a moment more before ice exploded from his ribs, ripping out through his pelt, even slicing into Cinder’s own skin. It speared him from deep inside, where the cartridge had sunk, impaling everything and rending him asunder.

JESUS JESUS CHRIST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

JESUS CHRIST WHAT A VISCERAL DEATH SCENE HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! O H N O T H A T S A N O G O O D V E R Y B A D T I M E

Cinder’s stomach jumped into her throat, and she held on tight to Hati, her bastion, her sanctuary, her family—held on tight like it would make any difference at all—like she could hold her family together with just her own two hands.

Hati dissolved right between her fingertips, and she plummeted alone.

like she could hold her family together with just her own two hands

OUGH what the FUCK

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HEY THIS. HEY THIS SUCKED HEY THIS WAS A BAD CHAPTER WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS HATI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS MY BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! GO TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EXCUSE ME????????? WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?????????? HELLO??????????? WHAT THE FUCK????????? SIENNA???????? BITCH?????????? GO TO H E L L

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[j--meat-hook--j]

A Trip to the Mainland (Taiyuu cooking event) (?)

@taiyuu-high-oct

A Train from Taiyuu Island to Mainland Japan took a couple hours, hours of ocean, boredom and more ocean. Staring at the TV, Zeke remembered a time before Taiyuu, before Japan even. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A small town on the coast of Germany, a large building, a small apartment. 

A teenager enters, around 17 years old, wiping his feet and looking around, the clock reads 8pm. He spotted his younger brother in the living “room” by himself watching cartoons. The younger one couldn’t be older than 9. 

“Hey, kiddo. Where’s Mum?” 

“She got called into work.”

Frustrated in his mother’s irresponsibility and lack of note, the older brother tried to keep the conversation going as he made his way to the kitchen.

“Whatcha doing?”

“Watchin TV.”

“Oh, so you found the remote?” “No.” Flick. The channel changed. 

Opening the pantry the older brother found… half a loaf of bread and a whole lot of empty space.

“Have you had anything to eat yet?”

“No. Mum was gonna get groceries but she got called into work.”

Biting his fist in frustration, the older brother pounded the pantry door with his head. Silently seething in anger the older brother put on a happy face, the older brother came out and sat next to the younger brother. 

“Let’s go out for dinner tonight, just you and me.” “Won’t Mum and Dad get angry?” “They’ll never know, I got a little extra money from work today.”

“I mean… sure.”

“Alright, get your stuff ready and we’ll leave in a few.” The older brother wrote a note for their Mother, if she returned home tonight. 

When the two got ready and were almost out the door, the younger brother stopped.

“Umm... Schlaut?”

“What’s up Zeke?”

“Are you sure Mum and Dad won’t find out?”

“Hey, we’ll leave our trash in a public bin, they’ll never know.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally on the Mainland of Japan Zeke had a couple trips to make. 

The first stop for today was to withdraw money, but look like a cool guy, Sunglasses on. Wandering around the Whatever City, Zeke can’t remember what it’s called, he started to get his bearings. 

‘Alright, grocery shop’s there, post office’s there and-’

Zeke felt a rumble down to his core.

‘It’s going to be a thunderstorm tonight.’

Finally finding an ATM in Whatever City, that took forever. Taking his “Credit” Card out Zeke approached the ATM, noone was nearby anyway but he still felt he had to play the part. 

Feeling the ATM Zeke felt all the different compartments, searching for the most used 4, Zeke found what he needed.

Trying the first one: Whirr, Zzzt And Dispense. 1000 Yen, not quite what he needed. 

Next compartment: Whirr, Zzzt and Dispense. 5000 Yen, close but not the notes he needed. 

The Third compartment: Whirr, Zzzt and Dispense. 10,000, exactly what Zeke needed. 

Grabbing an extra 13 10k Yen bills Zeke had enough to pay for his tuition, with some left over. 

That wasn’t right, only take what you need. Zeke remembered when this all became second nature to him, why quickly searching these machines became so easy. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“That’d be 50 Euros sir.” A cashier lady, in a large mall grocery store. 

“I’m really sorry, can you wave it just this once?” Schlaut, now at the age of 19, pleaded to the cashier holding a 20 Euro note. 

“I’m sorry sir, if you couldn’t afford it you shouldn’t have picked it up.” 

“But this is all we have for the week, we’ll go hungry without this food.” Schlaut 

“Then get 20 Euros worth of food or get out of the store.”

“Fine. C’mon Zeke we’re outta here.” Zeke, now 11 years old, followed his brother out of the store.

“What’s the plan now Schlaut?”

“I dunno kiddo, we’ll figure something out.”

It wasn’t long into the usual walk home when they walked past an ATM, it’s screen illuminating the sidewalk. The screen flickered strange colours, reds, blues even a neon green. Schlaut paused, did a slow turn on his feet and paced to the ATM. 

“Zeke?” “Yeah Schlaut?”

“Are you doing that?”

Zeke’s stiffened and he turned his face away from his brother. 

“Zeke look at me.”

Zeke reluctantly looked at his Older Brother, the pupils of his brown eyes glowing a slight blue. 

“Did I do something wrong?” Zeke was looking at the ground in shame.

“No no no no nononono nono, no Zeke. You did something very, very right.” Schlaut hadn’t felt this excited in a while. 

“Let’s play a game Zeke, see if you can find some paper in this machine.” Schlaut pointed to the ATM. 

“You mean money, isn’t that stealing?” Zeke was willing to do this, but he wasn’t very happy about it.

“Hey, we’re only going to take what we need ok? No more. We’re not villains, we’re survivors. See if you can find a 20 note and a 10 note.” Zeke had found a way to save us!

“Ok. I’ll try.” 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Returning back to the present Zeke held about 2000 Yen too much in his hands. The fridge at Taiyuu was running low, this money seems appropriate for everyone to use. 

Zeke went to that small grocery store he passed by earlier. Fresh fruits and vegetables, that’s what Taiyuu needed, none of that instant shit. Apples, carrots, broccoli and one pack of the cheapest Cup Noodles he could find. 

‘How would the others at Taiyuu react? I don’t think Sako or Spellman would be particularly fond of me anymore. Ah well, they won’t find out. All the years of pulling this same stunt we were only found out once.’

Zeke paid a total of 1962 yen.

“Have a good day.”

“Yeah, you too.”

‘Only found out once.’

Supermarket (Schlauts Quirk)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“How’s that Zeke, just enough to get us through this week. Mum should have  the day off tomorrow so we’ll cook a whole bunch then.” Schlaut, now 21, said to his brother Zeke, now 13.  

“Yeah, maybe Dad’d have time to help as well.” 

“I doubt it kiddo.”

RUUUUUUMMMBBBBBLEEE

“We should get going before it rains, seems like a storm is brewing. 

Off they were on the usual walk home, Through an empty courtyard, groceries in hand. Not too much, just enough to get by. 

“Hey Asshole!”

Schlaut turned, almost like he was expecting this.

“Yes, Gregory?” 

A potbellied man, more of a sphere than a man, called out to the two. 

“You mess with one of us, you mess with all of us.”

“Us?” Zeke panicked.

“There’s about 4 of them, stay behind me Zeke.”

“What, who are you talking about, how do you know these people?”

“It’s complicated. You wouldn’t understand.”

3 other men came up from behind the Sphere Man. One looked too long to be normal, another looked like a leaf man, the last one had spines coming out of his back. 

“Yeah, not so tough are ya now there’s more of us.” Sphere man said, he sounded like he was from New York, which is weird because this is Germany. 

“Huh, Good one boss.” The Leaf Man said, he had a very deep voice.

“Yeah, good one boss.” The Spine Man said, he had a very snively voice.

“Hehehe, heheh hehehe hehehe” The Long Man said, he had a very creepy laugh.

“You made it easier for me.” Schlaut butted in, sounding far too confident for a 4 on 1 fight. 

RUUUUMMMMMMMBLLLLLLEEEEE

Long Man reached over and punched Sphere Man in the face. 

“Aaaah, Tony, whaddya doin? Hit him not me!” Sphere Man was both confused and angry

“Heheheh, heheh, Hehehehhe!” The Long Man’s laugh seemed very panicked and confused. 

Leaf Man punched Spine Man, Spine Man grabbed Long Man. It was a free for all, none of the assorted goons and henchmen ever came near Schlaut and Zeke, Zeke leaned over Schlauts shoulder.

“What are they doing Schlaut? Why are they here?” Schlaut looked back at his younger brother. “Don’t worry, Zeke, they’re taking care of it themselves.” Schlaut looked at Zeke for a moment, just one moment was all it took for Zeke to notice the slight red glow from his brother's pupils. 

It wasn’t too long before the four strangers were all on the ground unconscious. Not once did the 4 even take a step towards the Funkee brothers. 

“Let’s go Zeke, it’s all taken care of.” “But… but-” “Let’s GO Zeke.” 

RUUUUMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLEEEEE

They turned to continue on their way home, when Zeke heard skidding. No. Rolling? Turning around in curiosity Zeke saw Sphere Man rolling towards them, like a ball. A very angry ball. 

“Schlaut, look out!” Zeke jumped, panicked and….

FLASH

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not done for the day yet, still gotta send a letter off to Mum back in Germany, quick visit to the Posty and back to Taiyuu. Card, letter, shipping. Totaling 300 yen, that is cheap! 

Hey Mum,

Taiyous Taiyuus going great, i think im really hitting it off with everybody here. This place seems more my style than uA anyway. Theres a whole bunch of really weird people here. One person can  even shapeshit shapeshift!

Anyway hows things with you, hows the new job in France? 

Has Schlaut come back yet?

Love, 

Zeke

“Just one letter, wouldn’t a text be better?” The teller was confused.

“It’s just a little tradition we have. Notes and written things are easier to keep anyway.”

Zeke made his way back to Taiyuu, hours on the train, again. The news reports were going on about a villain by the name “The King”. Luckily Taiyuu covered the costs of going back to Mainland Japan. Making his way back to the kitchen area Zeke deposited the fruits and veggies into the communal fridge. However, Zeke kept the Noodle Cup.

Zeke set the kettle to boil and thought of the day everything changed, the day Schlaut left. There was no bang, there was no warning. Around when Zeke was 13 Schlaut just, poof, gone. The whole family thought he was dead for months until Zeke’s 14th birthday, where Zeke got an RC car, brand new and very high end. It came with a note.

Hey Kiddo, Happy Birthday. Sorry I couldn’t be there this year

Noone ever really bothered Zeke again, of course Zeke still had his friends but noone bullied, assaulted or even annoyed him again. The icecream place even gave him a discount. Teachers were a whole lot nicer, even recommending him to hero courses like UA: LA, Shiketsu and Seijin. That was 2 years ago. 

The screech of the kettle brought Zeke out of his thoughts. Filling his Cup Noodles with boiling water Zeke had made a shitty meal at Taiyuu.

BOOOOOOOMMMMMM

“Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow hot hot hot hot hot hot hot hot.”

Maybe not.

[radiqueer]

Rai@Tired | raikamudapon

[link] Tbh the discourse around the term "fujoshi" is just motivated by shaming women for their interests and sexuality, and specifically trying to seem woke by taking Japanese fan girls down a peg.

Yalls need to stop with that orientalism and colonizer attitudes. 

[link] Ok so, One of the biggest differences of how I see Japanese people digesting media and how Americans digest media is the ability to separate oneself from the topic. 

Japanese people are used to living with duality. The culture of Japan is all about honne and tatemae, and while a lot of Americans think of tatemae as situational lying, it's a specific form of communication that adds a buffer of space between people. Sometimes that buffer is helpful and sometimes it isn't but that's not what we're discussing today. 

In the same vein, Japanese fans consume media with that buffer space, and you see the difference in fandom spaces very keenly. For example, Japanese cosplayers don't tend to roleplay. I feel like the community discourages it, especially in public spaces because the idea is that you are not acting as a character or placing yourself in the character, you are borrowing a character to temporarily express yourself. In america you see encouragement of becoming the character and more closely associating with them in a way you don't really see in Japan. With cosplay, a lot of original outfits with characters isn't as widely accepted, and people are encouraged to add warning tags to heavily modified designs or non-cannon outfits. There's often a buffer between self expression and character expression, and Japanese people in general tend to have a clearer cut between fiction and reality. Americans go the opposite direction, and put themselves personally in to their fandoms. Any criticism or portrayal of a character isn't about the character, it's about *them*. 

Bl for many fujyoshi is a way to explore various topics about sex and gender, and have that safety barrier of "this is fiction that has nothing to do with reality". Theres even a famous phrase in bl circles of Japan, which is "BL is fantasy." People arent consuming bl content because they want to it be realistic. With this genre, a lot of American's first exposure to this culture is through groups that carry these Japanese ideas, especially that fiction is not about reality. There's a strong culture in fujyo circles in Japan to keep fujyo media hidden from from minors and uninterested people. 

This isn't because gay adjacent media is shameful and should be hidden, but because aside from keeping 18+ content away from minors, the content is inherently not for the benefit of non-fujyoshi, or people looking for canon content. Bl is a fantasy exploration of pre-established media, an additional step away from reality. And you see this influence in american bl fans as well. Most responsible adults discourage 18 under people from interacting with 18+ content. It is going to be much rarer for 18+ bl content to be presented to minors with no prior warning then for het media or media that explicitly sexually objectifies women. 

 And I think in conversations about this topic is where you see not just misogyny and sexual policing of woman come in, but a lot of conversations and ideas revolve around how "gross" and "strange" and "foreign compared to woke Americans" the entire culture of fujyoshi is. 

Trying to insist that Americans determine what definitions of language around a culture not originating or centered in America and sentiments about bl are "appropriate" is colonizing attitudes. It stems from the belief that the cultural values of the colonizer are inherently superior to another country. And treating the norms of a foreign sub-culture that was not only established in Japan but continues to flourish and be the center of media produced by that subculture as gross or strange is honestly tinged with Orientalism of the "sexual far east". It's hard to say that the image that all fujyoshi are women does not influence these ideas as well. 

So let's delve in to relations between Japan and America for a hot second. Japan and America have a very unique relationship, especially for countries that are separated by the biggest ocean in the world. Without examining the entire history of the two countries, I want to focus on two points that I think shape the way Americans interact with Japanese media. First, America with it's "black ships" was the one to end Japan's Sakoku policy. They forcefully demanded Japan end it's strict regulations concerning interaction with other countries, start trading with various countries, and to open up to western influences. 

This *greatly* changed the structure of Japan, and honestly the unequal treaties and inability of the Tokugawa shogunate to manage their relations with the west lead to the end of 264 years of governance. (The Meiji restoration is exciting, please read about it.) 

The second topic you don't see many people discuss is the occupation of Japan by American(and English) forces from 1945–1952. While a lot of modernization and things that benefited common people occurred during this time, there was also wide spread instances of violence and rape. You still see generational hurt and mistrust in places like Okinawa, Sasebo, and Yokosuka where American navy bases were placed(and still exist today). If you can stomach it, I would recommend looking up statistics and reports, but I warn you the occupation was nasty business for women. 

So what does this all have to do with modern fujyoshi? So in both of these time periods, prostitutes and courtesans were an essential part of political interactions. Many Americans gained their stereotypes about Japanese women through these encounters. Specifically these interactions were sexual or tinged with the sexual availability of these women, and looking at the increased rapes during the occupation once American GI focused brothels were abolished, you can see how this lens shaped Americans opinions of Japanese women. The story of madame butterfly is only unusual in that it gives the woman in it any agency in their interaction with american men. 

So with this in mind, I think it's easy to see where a lot of stereotypes, specifically sexual stereotypes about Japan and Japanese women come from. America is used to looking at Japan as "the weird strange place of loose morals and loose women of strange sexual proclivities." This is shown how strong the influence of Japanese women as "geisha girls" is to this day, and it tints any conversation of about women and sexuality in Japan. 

In modern day, you can see this carry over in to how people look at Japanese idols and women in anime. I would even say that it's evolved to infantilize Japanese women and the view of how Japanese women are expected to behave. A lot of other people have written literature and reading about fujyoshi and how it relates to the sexual liberation of women(without necessarily involving men or gay men) so I won't go in to that here, but there will be links at the end of the thread. 

What I want to talk about is how historically America is used to putting itself front and center about any topic about the culture of Japan, and how the views Americans have about morality is considered to be "better" and more "woke"... even without context or how those sentiments shape the ideas of foreign people and foreign based media. But we also have to address how Americans have a huge problem with not being the expert voice in any conversation. 

Over the last week, a significant number of Americans have been extremely comfortable in putting the power to decide what Japanese words mean and what Japanese sub-cultures are in their own hands, sometimes even attempting to remove my Japanese voice and background from me in an effort to center their own opinions. And honestly this isn't anything new. Americans are so comfortable with thinking of Asian voices as less influential then their own, that it doesn't stop people from thinking they are the experts about a topic that *does not come from their culture*. You see it with food, you see it with fashion, you see it with everything from equating Asians to *white lite* to assuming that Asians don't exist as mixed people but simply as a monolith. 

There are so many people who were comfortable with placing themselves as experts in a sub-culture of Japanese origin that they knew nothing about, simply because they assumed it corresponded with one aspect of themselves. And it is hard to say that the confidence that these people placed themselves and their ignorance in the middle of the topic did not stem from Americans feeling of ownership over everything they enjoy. 

The people supporting these people may have thought they were being good allies by blindly supporting them, but I saw very few people bothering to further their knowledge past the loose collection of stereotypes and horror stories I saw from the internet. Some of these feelings of superiority probably stem from the fact that these people assumed that all fujyoshi or bl content consumers are women. Misogyny isn't just the expression of hate towards women, but also the idea that non-women inherently have a more valuable opinion then woman, or that women's ideas are inherently less valuable then anyone elses. 

I saw a lot of misogyny this week, both internal and external. There was hate from many people, for the idea that people they assumed women were thriving in a sub-culture that does not involve real gay men. I saw people who could not imagine that men were not at the center of a subculture created and supported by both women and queer people. I even saw examples of women bringing up their experiences as a gender they do not identify with in order to raise their voice against other assumed women. But the voices that attempted to de-legitimize assumed women grew even louder once they were speaking against Asian people, because there is an inherent assumption that their views are qualified, their opinions more valid, their morals better. 

And honestly, this isn't just an issue with white and eurocentrific supremacy, this is an issue of American supremacy. 

 And that is certainly something we need to talk about.

link: thread by @futekiya

link: thread by @dionysiaca

link: thread by @raikamudapon

please consider donating to @raikamudapon’s ko-fi

[reformatting mine]

[o-blivia]

... Five Years Later

I never set out to start an aesthetic blog, for as much as I’ve been curating one for the past half decade and counting. This whole thing started with the idea to start collecting images from around tumblr that sparked ideas for various writing projects without cluttering up my hard drives. It shouldn’t have been so surprising that not long after starting this habit, a cohesive, if eccentric, aesthetic began to emerge. There are a few well worn grooves in my mind when it comes to my artistic vision, I guess.

That vision has expanded and refined over the years, and curating o-blivia has become a project in its own right — independent of anything I’m writing even if it’s still a well for inspiration. And in this respect, o-blivia is meant to be more than an aesthetic, though it is that. Through imagery alone, I’ve been carving out something of a cyberpunk future. With that ever in the back of my mind when I sit down to tackle my queue for the day, a loose set of internal guidelines has developed for what does and doesn’t get posted. Figured it was time I expanded on them a bit, maybe involve you all in the process.

Firstly, the world is a complex, multifaceted place and I’ve always wanted o-blivia to reflect that in ways most cyberpunk works can’t while telling a specific narrative. That’s why it probably seems like I jump around a lot. Eclectic is a word for it, but it’s more the idea of presenting a rounded vision. In someways, this is my answer to where or how ordinary people are supposed to exist in the Cyberpunk Future(tm). Mainly, right mixed in with the mercs, cyborgs and basement hackers. Everybody’s gotta live somewhere.

Secondly, representation. Representation is achingly important. I’d hardly be the first to accuse the visual media in this genre of being whitewashed (blade runner, I’m looking at you,) nor to point out the absurdity of a globalized future lacking in diversity, and I’m not going to claim to be the first to refuse to perpetuate the tendency, either. It certainly wouldn’t reflect the world I live it. They call my country a cultural mosaic and my city a melting pot, so I’ve set myself the task of creating an equally rich fictional world — because we are the better for all our differing perspectives.

The thing about representation is it doesn’t mean shit if it isn’t done respectfully. It isn’t as though marginalized groups have been completely absent from media for the last century. The context in which they’ve been represented has been racist, demeaning and beyond disrespectful in much the same ways they’ve been treated in real life. Society is changing, and — albeit at a glacial pace — coming around to the idea that white people and their stories are not the universal default. For the longest time, there was next to no diversity in the cyberpunk tags on Tumblr. It’s gotten better, but I still feel that I have to put that extra bit of effort into finding and including images representing diverse groups in respectful, empowering and humanizing ways.

On the subject of representation and respect, I have to talk about my biggest peeve when it comes to cyberpunk Tumblr: the way women are portrayed, or the goddamned tactical bikini. Cyberpunk has a litany BAMF women characters, yet the art has remained firmly entrenched in trends that originated in the 80’s. The tendency is to have these big hulking male power fantasies decked head to toe in body armour and leather, while their female counterparts take up literally half the space, showing up to combat in daisy dukes and a bikini top wielding a big fuck-off gun like that’s how any sane person would show up to a gunfight.

There is nothing inherently shameful about the female body, I want to make that painfully and abundantly clear. My issue is not with how much skin is showing. No, my issue is that these images are meant to specifically portray women as sex object. The only conclusion you can come to is that these women have put appealing to the male gaze above bodily safety, which is beyond insane. So my rule when it comes to women with guns is that if she’s dressed in a way that is realistic, or that I could easily find a man similarly dressed, I will post it. If she’s dressed for a day at the beach instead of heavy combat, that shit is not getting anywhere near my blog.

That said, context is very important. So yes, I will post images of more provocatively dressed women if the context is right. Mainly, if she isn’t about to go into combat and the image is empowered. There is the odd exception, namely Tank Girl, who wields her sexuality like a weapon and pushes limit of provocative into the realm of raunchy with the intent to offend and scandalize. (She’s my hero.)

And above all else, on this blog, women are the default and not the other way around. So you will see at least as many, if not more women than men here. No, I don’t feel bad about it.

Lastly, it’s important that I address the depictions of violence and militarization that appear on o-blivia. It might seem incongruous with opinions I’ve expressed in the past, and with my own experience with gun violence, to have these depictions feature on my blog. I’m not a pacifist, even if violence is not something that I feel lives inside of me in anyway. Neither do I believe it realistic to expect a species as divisive and opinionated as we are to be capable of abandoning conflict and bloodshed any time soon. Someone is always going to find some way to be crueler, to inflict more suffering and pain, which means there needs to be someone to stop them.

I never set out in my mind to create some kind of utopian future — that’s not what cyberpunk is about by anyone’s definition. So to omit the presence of militarized forces, the threat of violence, or the realities of omnipresent surveillance would be disingenuous and would, I think, undermine what I am trying to create.  That said, I don’t seek to glorify violence, either. I don’t post images of firearms on their own, even if the image would fit the aesthetic, and I don’t post images where proper trigger discipline is not being respected. Guns exist, theres no way around that, but they should be treated with the trepidation and caution due to a device capable of ending a life between one heartbeat and the next.

Other than that, it’s pretty much anything goes. I’m an open minded person with varied interests — technology, fashion, abstract art, architecture, videogames, cats, sea creatures, space, design, weird creepy things and street art, are just a few regularly occurring themes. Who knows what will spark my interest tomorrow.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

When i was 13, i found out that men can and do become women. That there was a word for the way i felt inside: transgender. All i had to do in order to be who i am is reach out to the right people, seek help and support.

However, it isnt always so easy. Our world judges people like us in alot of scenarios, and for a kid who just wanted to live her best little life that was a scary concept. So i hid it, i did well until i was 15 and 16. My dad and my stepmom went through my room, twice. On both occasions they found womens clothing, which i would quite often wear to bed cause i felt so soothed by the soft fabric. I had leggings, and panties, and a sports bra, and a white tank top the first time. Even back then i always loved the way leggings hugged my lower half, and how relaxing and comfortable sleep was in them. Back then it was a source of comfort, i "dressed up" in order to cull the anxiety i had from putting on this mask every day. It was killing me.

I made fun of, i bullied my own kind, i bullied the LGBTQ community as a whole. I did it because i wanted to distance myself from my own identity, and cause i was jealous of other trans women who were already in their transitions and living their best lives!! I became a homophobic, misogynistic asshole to just get away from it, and to make sure nobody would ever expect it. I hate that period of my life, i look back on it in deep shame.

But then one day i moved into a place that i would eventually feel safe in. I was 18 now, and just starting to really get worn down by drugs and mental illness. But i turned around there, and i got really close to the staff at this group home. They supported me like my parents would, even though they were a different nationality and spoke bad english i felt closer to the group home workers than almost anyone else. They talked me down when i was mad or crying. They helped me get further in life. I had thoughts of coming out one day, and how i could probably do it both in vancouver and in this house. I had thoughts of how it would go. Who to tell first, it raged in my head for a couple weeks. But one day i was with my therapist, we were driving around and i had just gotten a cheddar bacon angus burger from mcdonalds with a vanilla bean frappuccino to drink. But before i could eat, my stomach wouldnt let me go on without telling my therapist whats really going on.

"I dont know how to say this ashley, but its been on my mind since i was 13 and ive planned out the whole process in my head already! Im fucking trans, im a woman, i want to be a girl and im tired of putting on this rough and tough mask just to try and fit in and be a man!! Im tired of rough, i want soft!! I want to have boobs!! I want to have nice long legs with thick hips! I want to see the sparkle come back to my eyes! I want to see my smile have happyness behind it, and not nothing, im tired of faking it!! Im scared, i could never do this around my dad, or in kelowna!! But ive got a fresh start in this city, and i know i can do it with the supports i have!! Everything i did was to please someone else, and i tried to be the best man i could to hide it.. im not a man though, im a happy, beautiful girl and im tired of hiding her!!"

That was 2017, in the spring. I was a drug addict back then, and i lived full time as a girl for 3 whole months!! Although i was so happy, and felt so comfortable in my skin i couldnt handle it once i lost my supports on top of my addiction.

On september 14th 2017, i buried Jenna for a while. I felt so horrible, even rhough i knew it was temporary i didnt know how temporary it would be. I was scared to be a boy now, and i felt even more dysphoric full well knowing the result of transitioning and the improvements to my mental health. Burying jenna was burying who i am. It couldn't last long, and once i got sober on december 15th 2018, and got myself into a safe space again in march. By late april i couldnt hold jenna inside me anymore, she needed out, jenna needed to bloom and grow big and strong!! I came out a second time to my mother and my grandmother who were both as accepting as two people who know no trans people aside from me can be. It went well, i told them it was time for me to resume my transition.

They were there for me when i reached out to Skipping stone, and got hooked up with a gender therapist. By august i had a date for when i would start hormones, october 9th 2019. On october 9th i was tense, i just wanted it to go right. I even had a little freakout in my appointment at my phone. But, after driving an hour and half each way, i walked out of my doctors office still in boy mode, but with a script for cyproterone and estradiol!! I started that night!!

When i started hrt, i was a different person in two weeks, i wasnt jayden, i was jenna. I acted way more feminine, my skin got softer, my erogenous zones changed, my voice got higher, my testicles shrunk. The feminization process had begun! I had emotional breaks here and there, and it hasnt been easy all the time. But my bad days today are still better than my best days when i was playing a character, acting as jayden. Today when i get sad, i put on something cute, and i take some cute pics and i look at them. I love it when i can honestly say, i love the way im changing. How my face lost the wrinkles of 5 years of bad habits in two months!! How my breasts are here and so so sensitive, i feel them moving on my chest and theyre like little stress sacks there for me to squeeze and hold when im feeling down!! I love the feeling of weight on my chest, and the jiggle when i walk or hit bumps on my bike! My medical transition so far is destroying any bit of my dysphoria!

I think trans is beautiful, because theres something just so positive, so god damn enlightening and beautiful. About one mans journey to woman. My body is changing, its curves being accentuated, its features becoming more noticeable by the day. I feel so much joy when i see a change, when i notice my body looks feminine. Or when i get compliments, like "my god youve got legs for days!!" It makes me know for a fact i chose right, cause im a beautiful girl, going through this beautiful process with beautiful changes.

Jenna jayde is a girl, i wasnt born a girl, but i make a better girl than i ever could have a boy. Wearing clothes that make me happy, and feel hugged all over from the soft tight fabric. Feeling emotions i never thought existed after a while on hrt!

Its so beautiful, like a sunflower swaying slightly in the summer breeze!

Life is better now, its worth standing up and fighting for.

Woot woot!! Its trans positivity jenna!! Woot woot!!