#theres just way too much hatred being thrown around

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

What ships do you do not like?

Im saving Huskerdust for last. I have way too much shit to say.

Aside from weird illegal ones and also disgusting ones, I am a very big Sir Pentious x Cherri Bomb disliker. It couldve been good but theres like no chemistry and Cherri doesn’t seem to actually like Pentious for any reasons other than he kissed her and then exploded and also weird double penis joke. Said it before, I’ll say it again, Cherri does not need a boyfriend she needs character development. If you’re interested in more of my hatred I have this rant abt it here

Valentino x Vox is another that I hate. I feel like I don’t need to explain why but I will anyway. I know they’re technically not canon anymore, but idk how I’m supposed to enjoy a ship between two characters when one is Valentino and also knowing that it was previously canon that Valentino has shattered Vox’s screen multiple times. Honestly you can’t even be like “well the voxtagram posts arent canon anymore so he’s not abusing vox” because you’re like objectively wrong. In the first couple shots we see of Vox and Valentino together Vox has an entire glass thrown at his head. Very important detail, he nonchalantly dodges it implying that while we know this is a common occurrence for Valentino to have violent breakdowns, it is also a common occurrence for Valentino to throw things at him or try to injure him in some way. Not to mention he seems very unsurprised when Valentino takes his phone and breaks that as well. Vox is also forced to walk on eggshells around this guy with how he talks to him. There’s literally no way for it to be healthy at all.

While I love the concept of Charlie and Vaggies relationship, it’s entirely brought down by Vivzies inability to write women and her lack of care for wlw relationships. There’s a lot of good rants about this, but I have so little substance to mention on these two it’s kind of hard to talk on. Vaggie doesn’t have much character development and Charlie is just incompetent all the time in the canon show and the only interesting stuff we got was from episode 7 (very good episode btw)

Any Alastor ship ever. End.

I do not like Huskerdust a lot of the time. I don’t enjoy how the fandom does it a lot of the time because they don’t really consider the others boundaries and just are like “well they like each other now so they should kiss!” And I disagree with that very hard. For how it is in the show, the best i've seen is the little bit in episode 8 which I really do enjoy but obviously there was no build up to it really so I hardly have much to grasp and I have to do everything myself. Relationships take a long time. That goes hand in hand with my rewrite also. Angel has harassed Husk and other people multiple times and that’s not okay obviously but for some reason no one acknowledges that?? The first step of them ever getting together or even being friends for that matter is Angel apologising. I will be mentioning my fuckass rewrite again just as an example of what I’d do, so I apologise! Everything from this chunk till the end is about how my friend and I have tried to fix this dumb relationship. It’d take him a little to mention it, but for how I’ve done it with my friend he ends up going out to dinner with Husk after rewritten episode 4 events and after getting texts from Valentino he starts reflecting on how bad Valentino and other people objectifying makes him feel and has that “..shit im doing that to other people.” And they have a little talk about it where Angel apologises for acting that way and tells Husk to call him out if he started doing it again on accident.

And it's not a quick fix conversation either, they aren’t magically best friends now and they don’t suddenly start being lovey with each other, Angel doesn’t even list Husk as a friend yet in his mind and has a bit where he only lists two people as his friends. There’s also bits of rewriting where Angel is yelling at Husk and ends up getting upset to the point he indirectly hurts Husk by throwing a wine bottle at him and Husk steps on the glass while he’s walking out. They talk it out again and Angel has another small crisis about potentially starting a cycle of abuse because his own trauma is shaping how violently he reacts to minor situations. Both of them need to work on themselves before they do anything. Especially Angel when he’s developed a habit of snapping and has a mindset that he needs to physically fight any potential threat away from him and it's leading him to actually hurt people. While that isn’t the sole reason he's in hell he's still in hell he is an objectively bad person and Husk has his own problems too especially when dealing with Angel specifically, both of them have an issue of pushing blame off themselves or shaming the other in overly stressful situations even if they don’t mean to. Husk has a tendency to shame Angel for his coping mechanisms and even if he's well intentioned with his criticism he gives it in a very uncaring and harsh way and will sometimes default to saying “I didn’t actually care in the first place” even if he does. They currently are not ready to be in a relationship together by any means, but fights help them reflect on themselves and of course at least Angel is at the hotel to be a better person. Charlie talks to him often and shows him it’s okay to confide in other people but that he doesn’t need to tell someone everything and that he can keep things to himself, and then the help from Charlie leads to Angel apologising again and trying to do the same for Husk like listening to him talk about his own issues and then giving input on them or just casual banter and so on. Both of them desperately need to work on themselves and they’re trying to do it together and I think when they're ready they’ll probably the best matches for each other, but you can’t just skip over the issues, the issues are the entire point of growing, that's why they are at the hotel.

[passports-pls]

I was very disappointed in the lack of quality Mine playlists so I made my own 🤞

Listen here

you COULD listen to it in your own free time OR you could listen to it alongside my mentally insane directors commentary 😌

(under the cut)

for the sake of this post not getting too long I am grouping all the important songs into different categories pertaining to the different eras of mine tm

Pre-Daigo Misery (Nobody - The Other Woman)

This section is mostly abt Mine being a lonely little weirdo (characterised mostly by the smiths unsurprisingly) and because this era lacks a lot of actual content my notes are less specific between songs

There are actually so many male manipulator songs that fit too perfectly with Mine in this part of his life that I couldn't resist like I'm sorry but creep by radiohead is LITERALLY about him i don't make the rules

Okay but I do find 'Heaven Knowns Im Miserable Now' so funny in this context because I'm sure Mine was forcing himself into the yakuza expecting it to be so much easier to have close connections with these other men compared to his previous 9-5, only to find its almost exactly like his 9-5 just with more crime

'Salvatore' and 'Therefore I Am' are specifically the songs I attach to his bateman-esque grindset and his bubbling hatred for most of the people he works with dsfgf

okay but THE OTHER WOMAN ASWELL. It's literally mine you wouldn't understand. He dedicates so much time to taking care of himself and setting himself up to be an actual catch of a man and yet,, no one gives a shit about him despite all the effort he puts into his lifestyle to appeal to the ppl around him

LIKE??? Kicking and screaming he's so lana del ray coded

Just the sheer depression of this era i feel so bad for him

Yandere-mode activated (Can't Get You Out of My Head - The Killing Moon)

Self explanatory however actually finding songs that pertain to his specific brand of obsession was surprisingly difficult sfdsf

Although I will say that I cope and seethe at the fact that I had to sift through Killing Stalking playlists to settle on most of these songs gfdgsf

Theres such a delicate balance between the right amount of fluff and insanity that very few songs capture without being about literal stalking

like no in this case the stalker fucking won

that and vibes of idolizing Daigo like a god, I think 'Out of Touch' and 'Stolen Dance' do this the best

And freak because I can only imagine in all of Mine's relationships it's always been purely transactional and no ones ever put in the effort to actually talk and get to know Mine in any intimate form.

my poor touch starved blorbo

FEELINGS TM (Romantic Homicide - How to Dissapear)

THIS SECTION I FEEL GREATLY ABOUT

These songs to me are all about how Mine copes with Daigo's hospitalisation and when he wakes up. His whole internal battle surrounding his premature grief and his loss of connection with Daigo because could no longer see him as a truly living thing anymore

'Change' specifically hits when you think about it in this context. Because it's not so much about any real change in Daigo himself it's all about Mine's mental image of him now (because let's be real, Mine was way more in love with the idealised version he had of Daigo more than anything tangible about him)

IFHY is a little more of any iffy choice but I think it still convey's a lot about how conflicted Mine likely felt as well as just continuing his Yandere behaviour just in a much more sinister flavour

Okay but here's where my favourite song of the entire list is

WHITE FLAG BABY

admittedly it's completely self indulgent and ties into the mine-lives theory. But just the guilt and shame Mine felt when he see's that Daigo was indeed alive and that he was going to have to explain the past few weeks to him

yeah i would've thrown myself off that roof as well

also the lyric "I will go down with this ship" paralleling his "everyone abandons ship eventually" line just tickles my brain in the best way

'Door' and 'I Guess' are also just Mine guilt tm as well

'I guess' even more specifically because he's literally attached himself to daigo like a parasite and now he's thinking daigo's gonna break up with him I just AUGH

He KNOWS he's completely fucked up but I don't think he realises how much of a pushover Daigo is just yet and that he would have forgiven him eventually gjfdg

I'll probably update this with more notes as I remember them but for now I hope y'all enjoy the playlist!

[thecoolerliauditore]

To that anon I wasn't targetting anyone in particular's ask it was just Thoughts brought about by the convos going on here recently.

I would like to share a bit more history because I love both fashion and queer history (and food history but thats not relevant.) Take it all with a grain of salt because I'm on movile and can't look up sources though, I highly recommend people diving into these subjects themselves. It's important and fun to leaen about but more importantly it makes you realize we've never been alone, I think. Anyways, sappy sentiments aside- (and this is going to be incredibly incoherent so i apologize ahead of time cause sleepy)

Did you know there was a third gender that gay people, particularly effeminate gay men, were classified into? It's where faerie (boy) being a pejorative for feminine gay men came about. It's got a long and rapidly evolving history, but it was created back in the day to explain homosexual behaviour and the gender nonconformity that cropped up within those communities at the beginning of sexual science. It's also when we got the concept of having a sexuality, as a way to legitimize queerness by conceptualizing it as who a person is. It's what was used to legitimize support for decriminalizing being queer and later gay marriage, though it causes other problems now. One of the problems it's always caused is its use to frame gay men as wanting to be exactly like straight men, just with a same sex partner. They want all the proper things a proper man should want; to be in a monogamlus marriage in a nice home with children of their own. Part of that was presenting as "straight." People who fall for respectability politics eat this up, and you get an "acceptable" mainstream gay culture where any gnc or queerness is considered an offensive stereotype gay men should avoid if they want queer people as a whole to be reapected.

Around the same time menswear become about subtlety. Theres circumstances and specific settings where colour and creativity is acceptable but then you also get mass production thrown in there. In modern times you even see this affecting womens aesthetics with "beige moms" and the concepts of a "small splash of colour" and also fast fashion. Fashion has always been looked down upon as a feminine vice so mens fashion becomes about not looking like you care about fashion. We've come to a point where theres only a few silhouettes and styles acceptable and respectable on a man lest he be seen as feminine or gay or caring too much.

In both cases its a matter of being respectable. In both cases the nonrespectableness is tied to being perceived as not being masculine enough which is equal to being feminine in the eyes of the people that care. And if youve heard an incel go on about the feminization of men and masculinization of women, well, youve seen this mindset at its most extreme. This is a known and repeating problem thats so deeply entrenched and internalized in culture that not even the queerest of queer people is able to escape it, and one of the ways it rears itself specifically within queer spaces and nowhere else is complaining about twinkification.

Twink is queer lingo, it specifically refers to an aesthetic type of gay man. this concept requires at least some depth of familiarity with gay men and their culture to even conceptualize. If you hear this term you are already within the sub/counterculture space where the concept of norm is already left behind.

Anyways, at the end of the day people should all draw and look at what makes them happy, but also i think people shouldnt vaguepost or make generalized complaints that could give especially younger people internalized hatred for the things they ernestly like. Some of its about creating the content you want to see in the world but we cant all be artists of a level we personally find satiating, but i think more than complaining about other people who create things you dont like its simply better for everyone to seek out the content you do like, and more importantly encourage ita creation without putting down the other thing other people like.

Again this sint directed at anyone in particular this is me rambling because its all interesting to talk about

not much to add here!

I think my only thing would be that I am a lot more of an arse who wishes more people would complain freely and more people would learn that other peoples opinions of them aren't that important but like. yeah that is kind of your entire world when you're 15. and due to the nature of the internet and fandom this starts some of the most us vs them mindsets ive ever seen

and not to point out the elephant in the room but i think being kind to eachother and especially the queers who are "undesireable" is especially important rn cus um. The Thing just happened. I don't regret becoming more uncensored and earnest at all on here and this will only make me aim for more honesty in my artwork from here on out.

footnote. the incel mindset is actually so crazy in gaming rn it's getting actually delusional. I've seen a motherfucker say LARA CROFT was too masculine hello?!?!?!?! but it really does showcase just how abstract these concepts are at the end of the day.

[kenmakozume]

.

[enchantestuff]

solace - charles leclerc

summary: working in the same line of work with your ex-boyfriend is difficult, especially when the hatred for one another is still very fresh, but what happens when one small moment of kindness changes their perception of one another

once again not my gif!!

warnings: 18+. toxic!Charles, toxic!reader too kinda, break up, mentions of cheating, mentions of both charles and daniel being screwed over by their teams, name calling, arguments, foul language, choking, angry!charles, dom!charles, jealousy, pet names, angst, unresolved feelings, fingering, edging, wrap it before u tap it, not proof read in the slightest

6.1k words - my longest one yet

a/n theres a big monolague with daniel as although this fic isnt about him i had to express my love for him one way or another and for that i apologise x

Things between you and Charles Leclerc had once been amazing.

There used to be a point in your life where you didn't perceive him to be the most entitled and egotistical prick to ever exist, one where you actually held him in a positive light and, in all honesty, thought the world of him. One where you would console him after crappy races - sticking by his side when the media became too heavy on his shoulders and comforting him in private where nobody else could see.

That was a few months ago, however, back when you still worked for Ferrari, back when there was no “ex” in front of “boyfriend” whenever mentioning Charles in a passing conversation. Back when the two of you actually trusted one another - before thoughts of cheating and various other scandals infiltrated both your minds and caused the tragic downfall of your relationship.

Headlines of him in the media conversing with other girls were something you had gotten used to during your relationship, as well as the various DMS from fans, sending you photos they had taken, or found on the internet, of an unknowing Charles speaking with a female, or even engaging in a selfie. You were aware many people were waiting for the downfall of your relationship, you just didn’t expect the said downfall to occur when the rumours had been flipped around.

All of a sudden, you were the one who was supposedly cheating on Charles and with Daniel Ricciardo of all people. Upon first hearing about it you simply laughed, finding it comical that certain people went to these lengths to break up a relationship. You thought Charles would brush away the rumours, much like you had, and continue on with what had grown to become a beautiful connection between the two of you.

But you were wrong, so very wrong.

The blowout had been horrible, words of anger thrown in every direction, mistakes from months ago - ones that had no meaning relevance now - being brought back up with the intent to harm the other. Accusations were being made up on the spot to gain the upper hand.

It was devastating being caught up in it, with every comment to defend yourself and accusation thrown at him, you could see your relationship moving closer and closer to the edge until it inevitably tumbled over with you having the final blow. In a pit of rage, you told Charles he had the whole world wrapped around his pinky finger but expressed that you knew it was all an act and he was really a backstabbing prick.

After that, as you stormed out of his apartment, you could hear him through the door, vocalising that he never wanted to see you again, making sure that even his furthest neighbours could hear your argument.

You hailed a taxi as quickly as you could, giving the address of the Ferrari offices where you terminated your contract. Effective immediately.

If Charles was so adamant you were as sly as a snake then you believed it would only be right to prove him wrong.

Talks with McLaren had been in the works for a few months at that stage, the only thing that kept you loyal to Ferrari was Charles, and since that ended horribly, you knew this change would be the best thing not only for your career but also for your mental wellbeing.

It was only upon signing the contract with McLaren that you realised how bad your situation would appear. Not to everyone around you, people in the paddock broke up quite frequently, and switching teams to maintain your career was a normal occurrence. But Charles would only assume the worst when he found out you were assigned to become Daniels PR manager. 

He wasn't your problem anymore

***

Sighing, you pinched the bridge of your nose. Your actions represented the mood of the entire Mclaren garage. The Canadian Grand Prix had not been good to you, and although you had repeatedly told your fellow colleagues that the car was at fault, not the drivers, you finally had proof to back up your scoldings.

The sinking feeling in the bottom of your stomach was one you were all too familiar with, having experienced it throughout the first half of this season with McLaren and also the past two years with Ferrari.

You had already briefed Daniel on exactly what to say to the media, although it wasn’t much different from your advice the previous race. Or the one before that.

You had to force yourself to look away from his devastated expression, knowing that he didn’t need your sympathy, but more so your advice, that was what you were being paid for after all. Unfortunately for you, as you glanced around the media pen, you locked eyes with the man you despised the most.

“Tough race man,” you heard Daniel address Charles from behind you.

“Yeah mate, shit for the both of us,” he agreed, doing their usual bro hug which you assumed would be the end of that conversation. Oh, how you were wrong.

“How's life at McLaren treating you, Y/N?”

To anyone else, it would seem Charles was simply inquiring about your life, but you knew this was his attempt at shooting a dig at you in hopes of indulging in another argument, something that seemed to be a usual occurrence in the media pen between you two.  When Daniel excused himself to get water, you decided to fire back at him, throwing back the pettiest response you could think of.

“McLarens been treating be really good actually, its been a pleasure to work with Daniel,” you smiled, Charles’ new PR manager grinned politely at your answer while the Ferrari driver simply stared at you in disgust.

“You're probably having such a good time over there, huh?” he prodded. You rolled your eyes at the hidden meaning of his words but played along nevertheless.

“Not to sound like I'm ungrateful for the opportunity at Ferrari but I really prefer it here at McLaren. They know how to treat their employees with respect,” you spat, arching your brow at Charles, daring him to try you again.

“And have you started fucking him in his drivers' room after interviews? Or was that special treatment just reserved for me?” he probed, earning a gasp from his PR manager.

“Charles!” she scolded, throwing you an apologetic glance before prompting him to move along.

“Suppose you'll never find out,” you smiled sweetly at him, pivoting in your place to go find Daniel and put an end to this race weekend.

***

High hopes had been running through the Mclaren garage all weekend. This was the British Grand Prix after all, their home race, they would be fools to not have any hope held out for their two drivers.

Unfortunately for Daniel, much like many of the other races this season, there had been damage to his car throughout the race, leading to an unfortunate result for his side of the garage invoking frustration and disappointment throughout his whole team.

Yet nobody was more upset than the Australian himself, looking at you with sorrow in his eyes as he listened to your advice on how to approach the media.

“It feels like you’re telling me the same shit every race,” he scoffed, a bitter laugh emerging from his throat as he inspected his hands. You feared if he looked up at you he would have tears in his eyes.

“It’s not your fault, Daniel,” you explained, “the car-”

“You know,” Daniel began, cutting you off as he stared behind you, “there was a point during the race - before I knew about the damage - that I thought to myself, god, what if I’m not cut out for this sport anymore and fuck, that thought scared the shit out of me.”

Your heart broke at his revelation and felt it was only right you bared a piece of yourself to him as well. One truth for another, you were close friends after all.

“Sometimes,” you began, a burst of nervous laughter bubbling from you as you moved to sit next to him on the pavement, “sometimes, when I'm sat in the garage watching a race unfold, I begin to think maybe I'm the cause of all this bad luck.” You threw a warning stare at Daniel, silently telling him not to cut you off before continuing, “back when I worked for Ferrari, everything was a shit show, and now that I'm here, the car - “

“Is a shit show,” Daniel interrupted with a laugh, invoking a smile to appear on your own face.

“Yes exactly, but I've realized that neither you nor I have any control over that,” you stood up and outstretched your hand towards him, “so there's no point in us sitting here sulking when we can get this weekend over with and spend time with people we actually like,” you smiled upon seeing his smile.

Taking hold of your hand, Daniel stood up, “I was going to stay I liked you but the glare Charles is giving me right now has made me rethink my decision,” he quietly confessed.

The hair on the back of your neck stood up instantly, but you refused to look behind you in fear of melting underneath Charles's gaze.

***

Your attempt at avoiding Charles was futile, there was no avoiding him when you were both in the media pen. Yet, your heart still managed to jump in your chest when you spotted him slumped over the metal fence that surrounded the various reporters, his neck strained to hear the question being asked and his features resembling defeat.

From the two years, you had known him, you never knew Charles to be someone who accepted defeat - who called it a day and moved on with their lives - no, Charles was the type of person to actively search for a solution to his problems, doing everything in his power to get better and achieve a better result the next time around.

This Charles was somebody completely foreign to you and it made your heart ache to think Ferrari, the team that he had looked up to his whole life, was the cause of his suffering.

You weren’t surprised when Daniel moved to pat Charles on the back, turning him away from the microphone and cameras and whispering what you could only assume to be condolences in his ear. From the way Charles nodded his head and the tight-lipped smile on his face, you knew words of encouragement were being exchanged from driver to driver.

It was when Daniel pulled away, ready to continue with his media duties that Charles noticed you. While his expression didn’t falter, you could see his eyes ghosting over your frame. He had spoken to Daniel for too long, he had to turn back around and continue with his media duties, he was obliged to. You both knew that, and the reporter patiently waiting for him also knew that, maybe that’s what provoked you to utter your first kind words to him in what felt like forever. Or perhaps it was that you were so exhausted by your endless bickering that you wanted to wave the white flag and end your petty feud.

You didn’t allow yourself to muddle over the possibilities, mutter a quick yet sincere “I’m sorry.” before scattering away, following Daniel to his first interview of the day.

Interviews moved pretty smoothly after that, and before you knew it, you were standing alongside Daniel for this second last interview of the day. Nodding your head to what he was saying, you moved your recorder slightly closer to his frame, wanting to ensure that the words leaving his mouth would be heard loud and clear through the McLaren motorhome as you had your end race debrief.

Faltering slightly, losing your focus while doing so, you felt a shiver run down your spine as a gentle, fleeting squeeze was placed on your waist. Swallowing slowly in an attempt to compose yourself, you waited a second before turning to inconspicuously glance around the media pen, almost immediately locking eyes with the Ferrari driver beside you, waiting on his turn behind Lando.

With his jaw clenched and eyebrows furrowed you could have almost believed it wasn’t him that had treated you with his subtle soft touch, yet you knew, from the way his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and how quickly he looked away from you, that it was, in fact, him, yet you couldn’t decipher exactly why he had done it. Or what it meant.

Daniel wrapped up his interview and swiftly pulled you out of that train of thought and you were forced to lead him along to his final interview of the day.

Noticing that mischievous glimmer in Charles’s eye’ you knew he had something left up his sleeve. Something else to have you contemplating what it was he wanted from you.

“Hey, Daniel,” he spoke, reaching out to grab the Aussies’ arm as he passed by. Daniel's features almost immediately brightened upon seeing his friend. Features that were once solemn and gloomy were now cheerful and happy as he waited for the Monaccian to speak, “I just wanted to say thank you, for your words before, they - they mean a lot,” although Charles was speaking to Daniel, his gaze remained on you for the duration of his expression of gratitude.

The blood in your body rushed to your cheeks, mouth opening and closing while you waited for Daniel to respond, Charles was speaking to him after all.

“No worries, man, you really should be thanking Y/N though, she’s the one with all the good - oh,” Daniel froze, as if only suddenly realizing his mistake. His eye flickered between the two of you, taking note of the way both of you refused to meet the other’s gaze. Clearing his throat awkwardly he nodded his head, “So I’m going to head to my last interview, Charles if you need anything just give me a shout,” he smiled, forcing a cough before asking if you were joining him.

You quickly shuffled past Charles, praying the last interview wouldn’t take long so you could get through the debrief and go home.

***

You groaned the second you stepped out of the McLaren motorhome, grimacing at the cloudy evening you had walked into. The McLaren debrief had taken longer than you anticipated, and with a pile of work still left to do, you had been one of the last employees to leave the motorhome.

With most of the teams already packed up and on their way home, you felt a chilly air surround you. It was odd walking through a nearly empty paddock, having been used to it so lively and busy the past few years, you were shocked to find yourself almost jumping at the sight of another human making their way towards the exit.

Upon registering their all-red attire and tight grip on the number 16 cap, you realized that perhaps you did have reason to be on edge. Stopping suddenly, Charles reached into his pocket, retrieved his phone and placed it to his ear. He stopped short of his destination, moving to lean against the Ferrari motorhome as he conversed in French with the person on the other line.

You straightened your back as you walked past him, silently praying that he would pay no attention to you. His french mumblings became louder and louder the closer you neared until you were a mere few metres away from him.

For the period the two of you were official, you had spent nearly every day together, which wasn’t necessarily bizarre when you did fact work with him, but when it came to the summer holidays, your habit of sleeping in the same bed and indulging in the same activities didn’t cease.

That summer you had gotten closer to his family, having been invited to their family holiday where not only your relationship with Charles got stronger, but also your relationship with his brothers. It was during that summer you learnt some French, not enough to keep a conversation going, but enough to understand that Charles was complaining about how Ferrari had royally fucked him over to whoever had decided to call him, presumably one of his brothers.

“Let me call you back, “ he switched to English. You knew then and there he had spotted you, deciding against creating a scene and prolonging this much-needed conversation, you plastered a smile on your face and turned around to greet it. It’s a shame, you had gotten so close to the exit.

“Y/N,” Charles breathed, afraid you would run off and refuse to talk to him once again.

“Charles, hi,” you faltered, “how are -”

“Why did you do that?” he pondered, not bothering to indulge in your attempt at small talk when something was clearly bothering him.

“Do what?” you questioned, arms folding across your chest in defence, already bracing yourself for yet another quarrel with him.

“Say sorry and then leave?” he bellowed, arm shooting towards the sky as if it were the gods above he was arguing with.

“What?”

“What are you sorry for?” he wondered, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he searched your face for an answer, “Are you sorry for leaving and not giving us a chance? Or are you sorry for stabbing me in the back? Which one is it, ma cherie?” he spat, venom laced in his voice bringing you back to the last big argument the two of you had.

“I was sorry for how Ferrari treated you actually, but now I'm beginning to think that was your punishment for being a little brat,” you defended, arms no longer crossed across your chest but instead laying on either side of your hips.

His cackle sent another jolt of anger through your body. Did he think this was funny? You were a fool to assume closure was what he wanted rather than another fight to release his anger, anger that wasn’t intentionally directed at you but at his team.

“Right I forgot you never really cared about me,” he remarked abruptly with a sigh.

“You were the one who said you never wanted to see me again, don't act like the downfall of our relationship is on my shoulders only,” you barked, eyes narrowed in accusation.

“You know i didn't mean it! Like you, I didnt mean most of the things i said.”

Your silence to his words made him internally panic.

“You didnt mean everything, did you?” You didnt know how to respond, not anticipating such a tender moment from him. “Everything?” You noticed the way his voice cracked, unable to look at your face anymore as he came to his own conclusion. A conclusion you knew to be completely inaccurate.

“I-”

“Sorry to break up whatevers going on here,” Pierre interrupted the two of you, clearly on his way home but stopping quickly to warn you, “but theres a big group of reporters behind me and i dont think either of you want your little fight to be documented for the whole world to see.”

You had forgotten that it usually was the press and media who were the last to leave the paddock. Always hoping to catch a driver or team principle for a quick word before they left for home.

“Maybe the two of you should take this inside,” he suggested, nodding to the Ferrari motorhome behind you. “You guys really need to talk shit out.”

And with that he left Charles to lead you inside. A sense of deja vu overcame you as you walked through the familiar red walls. You took your time to take in your sights, smliing at some posters on the wall before allowing Charles to lead you into a secluded office. Although there was nobody else around, with the majority of the team gone to celebrate Carlos’ first win, some privacy was still appreciated.

“Welcome to Mattias office,” Charles announced, waiting for you to close the door before slumping into the chair positioned in the middle of the room, seemingly defeated from the circles the two of you were going in.

You copied the huff of frustration he let out, slouching against the wall and peering at the various photos framed against the wall. “So this is where Binotto comes to sulk,” you noted, desperately wanting to change the topic of conversation before another argument broke out between the two of you.

“I’m surprised this is your first time seeing it,” he confessed, one leg moving to cross over the other, your eyes closed in relief, grateful to have an escape from your previous squabble.

“Unlike you, I didn't make it a habit to get into trouble with the boss,” you smirked, tearing your focus from the wall to watch him as a grin crossed his face.

“No because you always had someone to take the fall for you,” he shot back, arms crossing behind his head showcasing the casulesness of your current conversation.

“Right, sorry how could I forget,” you laughed moving to sit on the edge of Binittos desk, facing him and giving all your attention to the lively conversation, “my night in shining amour,” you pretend to faint, hand pressed against your forehead, your own laugh tumbling out followed by Charles’.

“Remember when you smashed his favourite mug and he had everyone searching for it in the garage thinking he lost it?” he reminisced, his arms now leaning against the desk, so close to your body you could feel the heat generating from them.

He was too close. It was all too familiar. You could get your heart broken again.

“Oh come on! You practically begged to own up to it, you knew you were his little golden boy, I, however, was very replaceable.”

The mood shifted between the two of you, his arms moved to rest on his laps and his hands suddenly became very interesting to him. “Too bad they don't think that highly of me anymore,” he dismissed, mouth pulled into a frown. For some reason, you felt protective over him. Just because you didn't partially like him as a person didn't mean you had to stop admiring him as a driver. You felt the need to console him, let it be known that he's still one of the bests.

“Hey, you have every right to be mad at your team for screwing you over, your feelings are justified, but don't direct that anger on yourself you are amazing-”

“The media-”

“Fuck what the media think!” you remarked, standing up from the and swivelling Charles's chair around so he had no choice but to listen to your words. “The media only see bits and pieces of you as a racing driver, they don't see all the hard work you put in behind the scenes, nor do they see the team at the pit wall royally screwing you over,” you spoke, feeling a sense of deja vu come over you having had this conversation with Daniel on numerous occasions.

“When did you become so good at this? Making people feel better?” he asked.

“You and Daniel have a lot more in common than you think,” you shrugged, unaware you had hit a sore spot until Charles himself stood up. With virtually no space between the two of you, your chests ended up touching with every breath you took and you couldn't help but take a step back, falling back onto Mattias desk and seemingly, right where Charles wanted you. His two hands moved to rest on either side of you, trapping you between him and the mahogany wood underneath you.

“Fucking Daniel,” he seethed “seems to always get everything I want.”

You were confused, you thought Daniel and Charles were good friends, you thought they had put those nonsense cheating rumours behind them.

“The whole world loves him, and now he had you wrapped around his little finger.”

One of his hands wrapped onto the table till his knuckles were white while the other began to play with your hair.

“He’s really starting to piss me off,” rolling his eyes once more, and when he set his sights on you again they were visibly darker. “Tell me, ma belle, do you think Daniel could make you cum with just his fingers?”

He wanted an answer to his question, you were aware of that, but it was so hard to focus on formulating words when Charles had his fingers trailing up from your ankle, wrapping underneath the base of your knee and pulling you so that your core rested against his own.

Bad day to wear a skirt you figured.

He pinched the skin on the side of your thigh. You knew what that meant. He wanted an answer and he wanted one now.

“No,” you shook your head, “never.”

He moved at a speed you'd never seen before, hand moving up and up to cup your core through your panties. Your body jolted at the action, at the familiarity of it and of him.

“Could he make your body react like this?” he questioned, fingers moving your underwear to the side and gently caressing your clit, exactly the way he knew you liked. “Hmmm?” he encouraged, slipping one finger in and allowing his thumb to focus on your clit.

“Never thought about him like that, honest,” you confessed, allowing your head to find solace in the crook of his neck while he began moving his finger in and out of you, adding another when he deemed fit. “M-more, please,” you begged, after months of using your own fingers to pleasure yourself you had forgotten how skilled Charles was with his own.

You knew it was only a matter of moments before you came undone on Mattia Binottos' desk, and if you knew Charles, you knew he would try to prolong it as long as possible.

“Say it in french,” he teased, fingers continuing with their movements but now at a much slower pace.

“W-what?” you gasped, eyes rolling back in delight when he found that sweet spot inside you, the one that your fingers failed to reach in your dire times of need.

“En français, mon amour, don't tell me that summer meant absolutely nothing to you,” he faked being offended.

It baffled you how he could bring up your past relationship so easily, especially when his fingers were inside you and you were practically on the brink of an orgasm.

“S'il vous plaît,” you whispered and that was enough for Charles to add yet another finger and increase his tempo.

Everything after that was a blur, as you got closer and closer to your orgasm all other senses retreated to nothingness - then Charles pulled his fingers away from you at the crucial moment. A sob broke through you at your orgasm being denied from you, quickly followed by a gag as Charles's fingers suddenly passed by your lips, laying to rest on your tongue.

“Just had to make sure you were still the good girl you used to be,” he winked, removing his fingers and plunging them back into your core once more.

Charles knew exactly how to make you cum, throughout your relationship he had spent the time studying your face, studying the way your body reacted to him until he knew exactly what you liked and what you didn't, which is why you came so fast on the wooden desk.

Cream mixed with the mahogany shades beneath you, a flash of pink quickly popping into view, confusing your hazy mind until you felt the fullness you could only describe as Charles Leclerc. Your arms fell beneath you, forearms holding your weight while you let your head dangle across the edge of the desk.

“Charles,” you gasped, not expecting such fullness immediately after your orgasm.

“Merde, mon amour, say that again,” he pleaded, his thumb once again moving to play with your clit.

“Charles,” you whined, scrunching your eyes shut, already feeling yet another orgasm approaching, “I cant.”

Charles furrowed his eyebrows at you, snaking his arm across your back and pulling you into him, allowing you to bear your weight on him.

“I thought you said you wanted more?” he wondered and before you could even think of a response he had his hand wrapped around your throat, squeezing ever so slightly. “That's it, ma belle, stay quiet,” he kissed your forehead, a hiss of pain leaving him when your nails scraped against his back, but you knew deep down he liked it, which was why he didn’t oppose when you repeated the action. ”Just focus on how you're feeling right now,” he encouraged, hand now resting against your throat and no longer squeezing.

He nipped at your neck, soothing it with his tongue before moving down to your breaks. Nips and licks were placed on every inch of your exposed skin. While you scraped at his back, making sure to pierce the skin with your sharp nails, he inflicted the same type of pain on you, the only difference was he did it with his tongue.

“Such a pain in my ass,” he muttered, sucking on your nipple, letting his teeth toy with the sensitive flesh.

“You're not such an angel either, Leclerc,” you rolled your eyes, letting your hands move down his arm, pressing enough pressure with your nails so that he would be reminded of this moment tomorrow morning.

“Leclerc?” Charles laughed, grabbing hold of your ass harshly and using it as leverage to pull your body into him to meet his rapid thrusts, “don't think I've forgotten that you were moaning my name a few minutes ago, mon amour.”

Wrapping your leg around his waist to let him hit the deepest spots inside you, you whispered your next words into his ear. “Don’t start thinking that was out of passion, Leclerc, I just wanted to make you feel better.”

He halted for a moment, pleasure momentarily ceasing until he wrapped his hand around your throat and rolled his hips into you at such a brutal speed that the desk beneath you started to shake. Unwilling to let your bickering end, you tugged at the hair on the nape of his neck, dragging him away from your neck to look you in the eye.

“Did I bruise your poor little ego?” you pouted, enjoying the way he clenched his jaw in response and even feeling yourself clenching around him.

“You're enjoying this huh?” he accused, you could feel his thumb drawing patterns on the side of your throat, letting you know he was still there and even if you didn't want to admit it, he still held the power over you. “You like getting me mad, ma cherie?” His grip on you tightened - not to the point of choking - but just enough that you had to force yourself to breathe. You nodded in response, chin hitting against his hand with every bob of your head. “Have to remember, Y/N, I'm the one with the power here.”

Your heart was beating out of your chest, your mouth dry and your eyes failing to stay open. You wanted to tell him how good he was making you feel, wanted to let him know he was doing such a good job, but you couldn't force any words out with his hand wrapped around your throat. Pleading with him through your eyes, it didn't take him long to understand what you were asking for.

“Going to have to beg for it, ma belle,” he grinned, looking at you with such a sympathetic expression you could almost believe he wasn't faking it.

“Ple-” you attempted, eyes closing shut as a moan tried to overtake your pleading. Everything was too much. You started to see white and couldn't decipher if that was your orgasm approaching or the result of too little oxygen.

“Good girl, you can do it,” he encouraged, loosening his grip just a fraction to allow you to mutter those words.

“Please Charles.”

“So good for me,” he appreciated, placing a kiss on your lips and then another atop your head.

“Feel so good, Charles,” you moaned, eyes rolling back, black spots littering your eyesight. You could feel your walls clenching around Charles, a telltale sign you were close, but that didn't matter so long as you got what you wanted. You weren't surprised when Charles stopped moving inside you, you expected it really, but that didn't mean that you weren't disappointed by it.

“Charles,” you whined, wiggling your hips in an attempt to convince him to begin moving again. The pit in your stomach had just begun rebuilding itself, on the brink of a second orgasm the only thing you could think about was reaching your climax, unfortunately for you, Charles seemed to have other ideas in mind.

“Charles, please,” you pleaded again, painfully aware of how needy you sounded but too lost in the moment to care.

“Shh, mon amour,” he hushed, hand moving away from your throat to caress the hair at the top of your head, moving some of the more sweaty pieces away from your face and allowing himself to view your big pleading eyes and plump lips.

“Just let me feel you for a second,” he whispered, eyes screwed shut in concentration as silence fell over the two of you.

Internally, you muddled over his words, seeking to uncover the hidden meaning behind them while simultaneously trying to put your orgasm on hold, a tough endeavour considering Charles was telling you just how good you felt in your ear, his hand trailing through every inch of your body, every dip and curve as if this was either the first or the very last time he would be this close to you again.

The atmosphere between the two of you changed once he began moving again. No longer were there any hostile words and angry actions between the two of you. On the contrary, Charles was holding you so gently in his arms you would think he was holding a porcelain doll.

No longer was he biting every inch of skin he could, constricting your airflow and making you beg for him in hopes of inflating his own ego. Now, with your foreheads pressed together, you were forced to look into his eyes, the same eyes that still held sorrow in them, although now you doubted it was because of his missed race win.

His hand snaked back up your body, seemingly done with its previous endeavour of caressing every inch of skin possible, and instead, it retreated back to its previous home on your neck. Refusing to obstruct your airflow anymore, he simply held onto you, making sure your focus remained solely on the heartbroken look on his face.

Your eyes scattered across his features, counting the freckles dotting his features in hopes it would convince your heart rate to slow down, you were sure Charles could feel your pulse beneath his hands, but if he could he refused to comment on it, simply bringing his lips down to your own.

The kiss, although tame, had your toes curling and arms pulling at his body to get him closer to you. He was trying to tell you something with this kiss, that much you were certain, you just couldn’t figure out what it was he was trying to say.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against your lips, letting his head drop to your chest and continuing to thrust into you at a slow pace.

Now it was your turn to ask what he was sorry for. A part of you was scared to find out, you had already crossed more than enough lines with him today, did you really have it in you to cross yet another. Charles didn’t wait for your prompt, he simply continued speaking against the tender skin on your chest, as if it was completely normal the two of you were having this conversation whilst he was instead of you.

“I’m sorry for not chasing after you. I’m sorry for not believing in you when you told me you were all mine. I’m sorry for being a dick recently.”

His words felt rehearsed, as if he had said them before, perhaps over and over again in front of a mirror, much like you had with the next words you muttered.

“I wish I hadn’t spoken to you the way I did. I wish I had taken the time to talk to you before changing careers. I wish I hadn’t been so stubborn and reached out to you sooner.”

Your hands played with his soft hair, a moan abruptly leaving you when he hit that sweet spot inside you. His head poked up from your chest at the sound, a lazy smile on his face as he repeated his actions.

“I’m sorry for not letting you cum a second time, mon amour.”

You grinned up at him, hands wrapping around his neck to pull him in for another kiss.

“I forgive you.”

[help-i-need-a-cool-username]

Been thinking about what Mordred's life in Camelot would've been like if Merlin didn't hate him and then thought about how if Morgana was around she would probably always give him her favor at every tournament (until he married) and the other knights would tease him for that so have a broad outline for a Beloved Characters Dont Turn Evil AU

Morgana discovers her magic and Merlin swears to her that he'll protect her. He comforts her when she's scared and Merlin begs Gaius to share his knowledge and suspicions about Morgana to Morgana herself. One night Morgana bursts into their quarters in hysterics, waking them up, screaming and sobbing, and it feels like Merlin's hug is the only thing holding her together but its not enough. Glass starts shattering, candles flare, chandeliers fall to the ground. Gaius decides at this point not telling her will do considerable more harm than not, to both herself and others. They stay up through the night. Gaius speaking and Morgana asking questions, Merlin with a supportive hand on Morgana's shoulder. At one point Morgana tearfully asks the question Merlin asked Gaius long ago, "am i a monster?". They all fall asleep at the table, and that morning when Gwen arrives to wake Morgana only to find her absent with her blankets thrown over the bed and several things knocked over she runs and alerts the guards. The guards initiate lockdown and the commotion reaches Uther and wakes Arthur (Merlin is once again late), and they proceed to fear she was kidnapped right under their noses without anyone knowing. Arthur runs down to get Merlin so he can prepare him for the day only to open the door to find the three of them asleep on the table.

Later Merlin organizes for Morgana to learn more than Gaius can tell her from the Druids, but she intends to stay the night at least, if not then significantly longer (anywhere from a week to several months), and they have no good excuse for her to use that would allow her to leave without Gwen and guards. They come up with some very convoluted plan, which does not end up in the raid that occurred in canon, and when Gwen catches her sneaking back she lies and says she wanted to check up on Mordred (who she did run into), to see if he was with the Druid encampment that was rumored to be nearby (which he was). She didn't learn nearly as much as she hoped in those few hours, but they at least pointed her in a direction.

Morgause comes to town, and leaves Morgana her bracelet. After discovering it stops her visions Morgana takes it to Gaius, who reveals it was enchanted and looks similar to the one Lady Vivienne used to wear. Morgana states Morgause got it from her mother, but that Lady Vivienne was Morgana's mother and wonders how the bracelet ever got to Morgause. Gaius says there was a rumor that Lady Vivienne had a baby that displayed a affinity for magic, but Gorlois told Uther their baby had died before they even named her. Gaius reveals that the baby was smuggled out of Camelot and given to the High Priestesses, and Morgause might very well be that baby. Morgana begins to long for a connection with Morgause, to meet the sister she never knew of and recover something of her dead parents. When she begins secretly meeting Morgause, she tells Merlin and then asks him to come with her when she begins receiving lessons from her. Morgause tries to convince them that killing Uther is the right thing to do, but Merlin keeps reassuring Morgana that all they need to do is convince Arthur to change the law for when he is king, and he's not ready to do that now so theres no use in killing Uther before he's ready, and that she does love Uther and Uther does love her and would try to "fix" her well before he ordered her death. Morgause still wants him dead, to rush the prophecy of magic's return. Them sneaking out every few nights cements the idea that Morgana and Merlin are secretly dating in castle gossip.

Im not sure what happens with Morgause, but i think she would still take Camelot at some point and she would spare Morgana and by extension Merlin. Morgana and Merlin make sure to get Arthur out (and Merlin probably goes with him) because they dont trust Morgause to not kill him. Morgause reveals her heritage (and makes Morgana a Princess and her Heir) despite claiming the throne for people of magic and not the House of Gorlois, and the knowledge that Vivienne and one of her daughters were sorceresses leads Uther to believe he can not save Morgana from magic that is likely in her blood and THAT is what breaks his mental state. Morgana's real heritage is revealed soon after, with Uther informing Gaius that Morgana being a Princess is actually within her birth rights. Morgause continues Morgana's training because at some point Morgana has to become a High Priestess because canon. That or Morgause switches sides (this is a Beloved Characters Dont Go Evil AU might as well make it No Beloved Characters Are Evil AU) and she trains Morgana later after Arthur is a established King.

Morgause is overthrown and the Round Table formed. Arthur as well as several people in the castle know of or suspect Morgana of being a sorceress but he refuses to banish her, first believing it to have been out of her control (forced by Morgause) and later learning that her nightmares had been magic all along (how could he punish her for something he knows she had tried to get rid of for over a decade?). Perhaps he lets her keep the title of Princess, having always seen her as a sister (and someone who is compassionate for the people in a way royalty should be) and armed with the new knowledge of her being his actual sister. Everyone expects Regent Arthur to crack down on magic, its what Uther would have done and what the people want, so he does. Morgana becomes a advocate for magic, as she had been for Arthur in private as a Prince, and it scares people in the castle. They believe her to be working with Morgause, despite her arguments being for individuals' wellbeing and how punishments fuels hatred for Camelot. Several attempts are made on her life, many stopped by Merlin and Gwen and sometimes Lancelot. Arthur often "asks" Merlin for his opinion on magic and with Morgana's voice being public he feels okay with being straight with Arthur on what he thinks. Uther dies same as he did in canon: protecting Arthur from a assassination.

Mordred becomes a Knight because canon. Morgana is ecstatic to see him again and acts like a mother who hasn't seen her child in ages when she first sees him. Merlin has learned you often make the enemies that are destined to kill you (ex. trying to stop Morgana's visions from coming true) so he ignores Kilgharrah and doesn't hate Mordred (he is always wary though). Mordred alternates between childlike eagerness around the knights and following Merlin around while hero worshiping him (no one can figure out why. Their best guess is that Morgana is a mutual friend). In the beginning he kept messing up his name (calling him "Merlin" is just weird) and they often talk in their heads and therefore just stare at each other which has led to two conflicting rumors: theyre in love or they hate each other. Morgana often invites him to dinner, and when they dine with Arthur they easily slip into mind-talking (because chewing) and Arthur is convinced that they're making fun of him every time they do it. He protects Arthur when Merlin can't, often runs off to do side quests Merlin needs to do but cant get away to do, and often tags along with Merlin on his quests. Being able to share the knowledge of his destiny since Lancelot died (if he dies in this AU) relaxes Merlin's caution and allows him to be emotionally closer to him. Mordred enjoys being around Merlin and Morgana not just because he's Emrys and she's Morgana, but because they are the closest thing to home he has: they know what he is, they understand (bits) of his culture and make it possible for Mordred to share it with them, their individual magic sings strong enough to remind him of when he lived surrounded by it. He quickly grows to love them so very much and no one understands WHY. The knights tease him about it, and Morgana forcing Arthur to take Mordred on certain missions he isnt qualified for "so he can learn" does not help. Gwaine and Percival were planning to convince him that he couldnt compete in a tournament without a lady's favor because he's the rookie and his panicked look greatly amuses them only to find Morgana giving him her's before kissing his cheek. They were relentless after that, alternating between "lady's favors dont count if they're from your mom," "Mordred has a girlfriend," and whatever the medieval version of affectionately calling him "Bambi" is. Morgana sits in the stand's throne (since Arthur is competing) or besides it if Gwen is queen, and she flashes a smile at him when he comes out (Gwen too. He's a sweet kid with a baby face, of course he's one of her favorites. He also reminds her of Merlin when she first met him: kind, awkward, cute). This settles Mordred's nerves but has the unfortunate side effect of increased teasing. Merlin doesn't let it go to far, he never does, and gives them a distraction before running back to Arthur.

And then magic is brought back to the land and Morgana continues the work of the High Priestesses and helps the rebuilding efforts and they're still adventures and problems, but everyone Lives Happily Ever After

[uwumessenger]

random headcanons i have for each om! character teehee

hi it's been a while since ive posted some hcs bc uni has been kicking my a$$! luckily i only have a few papers to tidy up and im done. here r some hcs for each obey me character that ive accumulated over the past few months wink wonk

most are random but some constants you'll find are what i think they smell like, languages they can speak (other than their native (demon/angel) and eng/jp), and music tastes !

lucifer

i have a strong feeling that he showers twice a day: in the morning after waking up and at night before going to bed

his cologne is probably the type that will last in an elevator for like a week after he uses it once. i dont think this mf ever smells like anything other than his cologne

has a secret folder on his phone of semi-nudes and other scandalous pics from when he felt sexy at the time omg

aside from demon language/eng/jp he can speak french and knows latin

listens to classical stuff yea but he also listens to diavolos mixtapes (re: diavolo's section)

not a fan of sweets but will eat sweet things when craving

really bland sense of humor...borderline cringey 😭✋🏻

mammon

has gone to google images and searched for "inspirational quotes tumblr" "gold aesthetic tumblr" & "relatable crush post tumblr" then reposts it onto his socials or just taps thru them and giggles bc he relates

his cologne doesnt last as long as lucifers and probably smells common. he has to reapply a lot but it's a people pleasing smell. it's cheaper hence the constant reapplying

he probably does have an expensive bottle but is the type to totally overspray...eek

he is canonically a car guy 🥲 and probably tells the one in his room good morning & good night + kisses the hood every once in a while. has tons of car magazines

he doesnt really speak other languages but has attempted to learn spanish before

listens to whatever is on the radio. doesnt rly stan anyone but he eventually will listen to mc's playlist and mc's playlist ONLY

levi

lurks on mc's socials ALL THE TIMEEEE like he will rewatch ur stories and scroll thru ur feed and overanalyze ur tweets/rts or blog posts. if ur mc isnt the type to use sns much he still googles ur name all the damn time just to find any sites u might be on fjdjdjdjskks

probably streams on whatever youtube or twitch devildom site equivalent there is, but only has like 40 or so followers. which he is okay with!

until he sees someone else who gets more attention than him. then the envy starts kicking in bad. especially if they suck 🧍🏻‍♀️

classic gamer boy smell. you know, sweat, tears, must, and (sometimes) axe deodorant. lucifer has to do a scent check before he goes out to any event & lets him use his cologne. how sweet!

kpop stan!! more girl groups than anything and his ults are probably GIRLS GENERATION, wonder girls, twice, loona, & red velvet

cried when ioi disbanded and refused to leave his room. the only thing u could hear was downpour on loop at full blast

can also speak korean & communicate in echolocation like dolphins 😏

satan

listens to country music you cant change my mind

smells like whatever environment he is in. he doesnt really have a designated smell just throws some deodorant on and goes about his day.

he's sooooo bad at driving...gets road rage way too often so his license has been REVOKED

but hes totally a backseat driver. needs to be sedated on long trips

do not let him watch finding nemo when luke asks to watch it. it's not worth it. he will cause mass destruction.

if he was a human or lived long term in the human world he totally has the ability to be a doctor

is studying as many languages as possible, but he mostly knows latin & french & german etc etc. wants to learn all the dead languages out of curiousity

asmo

dont think this mf has ever held down a relationship. ever

he doesnt compromise much & is not willing to change his lifestyle to fit an s/o into it. you keep up with how he lives or it just isnt meant to be (but dont worry! he'll eventually learn...maybe,,,,)

has the hardest time out of everyone when it comes to breaking bad habits

his smell varies bc he uses a variety of perfumes (whatever is the most popular at the time) but he probably sticks to floral and fresh scents. he never uses generic people pleaser scents like mammon

listens to electropop, mainstream pop, & some alternative rock

as for languages he too knows french, spanish, italian, etc. in general, if it's a romance language he knows it!

opposite of lucifer in the sense where he loves sweets and will refrain from eating too many bitter things

i think we all know that asmo is the biggest rockstar of the group! he's probably been in a boy band at least once, but now he makes his own music

has tried to teach mammon how to sing once. ended up in a broken piano and bleeding ears...

beel

i feel like he is SO SHY

like unless ur close to him he will not start conversations or anything

i think he listens to r&b a lot ! and jazz 😎 maybe rock as well

smells like ur typical athlete with undertones of wet wipes. he carries them around bc he likes to clean his hands before he eats & is prepared for when theres no sink nearby

he can drive and he drives really well. no rough turns, parallel parks perfectly, and never has problems with merging

driving with beel is probably really soothing. left hand is steering the other is gripping ur thigh 😫

dont think hes really fluent in any other language but hes probably semi fluent in korean because levi wanted beel to help him out

definitely know how to order food in practically every language tho HAHAHA

belphie

he reminds me of randall from monsters inc

smells kinda musty IM SORRY but not the way levi does hes more like the kind of musty u feel or smell when it's a shitty morning

but that's only because hes so lazy, when he cleans up hes like satan

has definitely murdered multiple people before. mc is not the first 😐✋🏻

with that being said belphie has been put into prison at least twice when visiting the human world, the mf had such a strong hatred for humans theres no way he never got into trouble before

lucifer probably broke him out and they used the pen thingies from men in black to erase everyones memory of that 🙄

dont think he listens to anything other than music that'll put him to sleep. really likes lazy song by bruno mars but thinks that bruno mars put too much effort into the song. should have been one acapella verse and then finish

similar to beel hes only semi fluent in one language, probably french bc of lucifer. doesnt remember much but knows a couple of lullabies and bedtime stories

the sandman used to be his bff until they drifted. they do, however, like and comment on each other's sns posts.

diavolo

once he found out who nicki minaj was he became her #1 stan

def an ariana grande stan too 😌

choreographs dances when hes stressed...idk just seems like a diavolo thing to do

also makes rly bad soundcloud rap music sometimes. turns to poetry when hes feeling emo but only lucifer knows this. barbatos is suspicious of him but doesnt have enough evidence to confirm.

his dad is like hudson abadeer from adventure time aka marceline's dad? something must have influenced him to want to unite the 3 realms + he would need the approval to do so, so his dad must be more chill than all the others before him 🧍🏻‍♀️ IDK ok anyway

currently going through his hamilton phase bc of mc. whether mc's intent was to get him hooked onto it or just to explain it bc of something he saw online, he tells everyone that he found out abt it bc of mc!

this man cannot drive his skills are only second to jumin han

not too fond of many languages but knows the widely spoken ones like spanish, mandarin, etc. if it's taught in high school he knows it

smells like a las vegas casino. not sure why but i feel like he does. but there's also an interesting & nice smell to him if he embraces you. it's a smell you cant quite identify. but it smells nostalgic, it's mysterious, and it's tempting.

barbatos

very calm demeanor but underneath hes WILD hes probably done everything at least once oof

he just has a lot of control and stability over himself (must be nice!)

on a more angsty note i feel like he might have had his heartbroken sO BAD IDK he is hurting and maybe that's why hes so willing to obey diavolo and not abuse his time lord power thingies bc he learned his lesson the hard way

mans is so smart he knows every language you could switch languages mid conversation with him and he wouldnt be thrown off. he'd probably start speaking it too.

BUT HE SPEAKS VIET P E R F E C T L Y

listens to the same stuff as lucifer but also likes eminem. likes the movie 8 mile but criticized it heavily

have you ever been to a chinese herb shop? naturally, he smells like that. his room probably smells like it too. he doesnt really have a significant smell like some of the others

when he bakes he smells like whatever hes baking tho

one of the few out of everyone listed to have been able to travel to literally everywhere

solomon

was probably on kitchen nightmares once, but only to get feedback from chef gordon ramsay. then he used his magic to prevent the episode from airing...

was in an orchestra, one of the best times of his life. played the violin. asmo watched him in the audience once, but didnt approach him until well after that performance.

he CANNOT sing. he can, however, rap.

doesnt listen to music. he listens to podcasts! but every now and then he turns on background music, but prefers it to be instrumental stuff

never wears sunglasses. also does not have a driver's license. cannot drive a regular car. could maybe fly an airplane.

due to his immortality he has learned almost every language to exist, but finds himself speaking mandarin the most. knows most dialects too

similar smell to barbatos but u can also smell some sunscreen on him too. like, generic beach day suncreen

he has a lot of pact marks, so he once had the idea to match foundation to his skin. it took him two weeks but he eventually perfected a combination. yes he will help u find ur perfect shade if u ask him to

simeon

another country music man. has also made a tiktok or two to that one song that goes "he cant even bait a hook." they are private tho

angel country music exists and simeon invented it

if he visits the human world and wears more causal clothing he probably tucks his shirt into his pants

wears a speedo at the beach i tell u, speedo at the beach

he can speak german...i can feel it

uses his pointer finger to type and holds the phone like 2 inches away from his face so sometimes his nose will push a key hence all his typos

has no signature smell. he simply smells like your favorite scent all the time. if multiple people are around him at once, everyone smells a different smell. it's pretty rad

"what does he smell like to himself?" u may be asking. hmm...a church? 💀

luke

his first pet was a goldfish and a few months before the exchange program happened, he was given a koi pond!

secretly likes hanging out with levi sometimes just to play with henry. makes him miss his pet fish back home

so his favorite movie is probably finding nemo and he threw a fit when nemo touched the butt

luke is probably learning german bc of simeon, though he'd like to learn more of the dead languages just for fun

i dont think he listens to music often or has any preferences, he just listens to whatever is playing on the radio

but he finds himself listening to the music mc listens to

smells like freshly baked goods all the time. or fresh laundry. but like, not combined. just depends on the day

[genseng-powder]

Senku and Gen: A fight? HeadCanon

I've always written hcs when I seem stuck in writing because there are days where I have the ideas but my thoughts aren't as cooperative in the creativity department. So another headcanon turned into narrative - featuring the realest aspect of every relationship ever: arguments.

Also, involving the characters of KoS with KoM merged 💖💫

• When Senku and Gen fights, they never allow it to get in the way of their meetings. Especially since they held meetings with the five generals every so often.

• They swore that their relationship shouldn't get in the way - so they can often get quick past it outside with other people

• The catch is, its obvious that they had a fight. There won't be verbal terms thrown around, but Suika and Chrome feels it but cant quite put a hand on it.

• Ukyo and Ryusui on the other hand sees what's different - theres quite a bit of charged tension, but not too thick to get in the way and stifle conversations.

• Even old man Kaseki sees what's different from when they're normal or theyre fighting.

• Gen calls Senku without any honorifics - and Senku is much more reserved and replies way too straightforward. He doesnt bother with explanations like before and goes 100% straight to the point.

• But he is also reserved in a way that he doesnt throw any jokes around.

• Gen, is immensely cheery as if to make up and cover the fact that there's something going on.

• You'd think he is extra cheerful but if you look past it like Kohaku can, you'd see how his smiles and giggles isn't quite genuine.

• As a former entertainer, its easy to pass it off and to act, but inquisitive people and people who are his friends can differentiate his performance and genuine emotions.

• Kohaku, Ukyo, Ruri and as much as he hates it, Senku.

• Senku sees his overly cheery mood and at times, it gets to his nerves that his showman smile is plastered way too permanently.

• Senku has this secret hatred for Gen's facade.

• He hates that their arguments do this - but his pride also stops him from doing anything.

• Gen also sees how Senku gets easily annoyed at the smallest things, but he never pops off.

• When Senku is about to let out a steam, he catches himself way before words he don't mean can come stumbling out - and he excuses himself to cool down.

• He doesn't want people talking to him when that happens.

• Gen acts the same - secluding himself.

• He does this when something is bothering him, going for long walks around the forest to clear his head off and maintain his composure.

• He talks to himself mostly, to get his thoughts running and sorted and this had worked for him even way before - but more often it ends up in him being a sobbing mess because he hates that they've fought.

• Senku literally loses sleep and delves further into work, making more of the energy drink he made for Kinro just to keep him running. Coffee and Monster drink didnt exist here so he might as well make his own power up drink.

• Even though he is head deep into mountains work for Kingdom of Science - every so often he'll space out and think back about his and Gen's fight.

• More often, this makes Senku hiss and crumple or break whatever he is holding onto. Its frustrating and he hates emotions and irrationality - but he hates it more that no ones hovering over his shoulders or clinging onto him.

• No one knows how long it lasts - it varies depending on their degree of fights. Sometimes, within a day, other times three days.

• No one can complain because they still get work done - Senku leading teams and Gen still boosting morale despite his being so low at that point.

• The next meeting they held, no one mentions the slightly red edges to Gen's eyes and Senku's pinkish nose.

• This time, Tsukasa and Hyoga were present, so is Kohaku and Francoise because it seems urgent.

• Its going towards the usual flow - everything is smooth and flowing until Tsukasa notices Senkus fast replies when Gen asks, and Gen's lack of honorifics towards the scientists name.

• Hyoga, being brutally honest and reveling in such charged tension, decided to add oil to the flame.

• Did you two fight?

• Senku and Gen could only look at him, looks at each other and then simultaneously and respectively answers yes and no - and everyone watched with bated breath as the tension hastily thickens up.

• No one has ever interefered when the Kingdom of Science's two founding leaders were fighting - this being a first and it had to be Hyoga who intercepts.

• It could have been more acceptable if it was Suika, but even little Suika had learnt from Francoise that when two people fight, others shouldnt interfere so she lets it be even though she's sad that Senku and Gen fought.

• Senku manages to repress his exasperated thoughts and so does Gen who brushes off everything with a clearly fake smile - but Hyoga mentioning it makes everything unbearable and everyones now walking on thin ice.

• Ryusui and Francoise decided its enough, calls for a two hour break before they get into another meeting and locks the two of them in the observatory.

• No one can leave until they make up.

///

Yep, cliffhanger. I'll probably post the making up part if I get the inspiration to write it 🤭 I like to think that Senku and Gen both has a hard time apologizing because for one, Senku is emotionally incapacitated JK HAHAHA no, but he just doesnt see it as necessary because action speaks louder than words.

Whereas Gen has his pride - even though he is probably in the wrong, he doesn't apologize for the heck of it and probably manipulates people into thinking they're the ones at fault. He doesn't do this with Senku though. It's why he is at a loss because his whole life it's what he is good at and then Senku comes in and bulldozes his bad habit.

[kibumkim]

(1/2) hey Adrian can I rant? nothing deep but I need to talk to someone who hasn’t got brain rot? it’s going to be a little long, sorry for that 😅 to preface: Indian here. now we all know about the bar being low for decent Korean idols. I wanna talk about fans of colour who accept (gratefully) racist bullshit. there is a show called fluttering India (2015) where 6 kpop idols came to India. 2 of them were shinee’s minho and exo’s suho. Here’s what happened during the show. 1. kpop fans protested that their pure baby idols shouldn’t go to dirty and scary india where they can get Ebola. 2. the PD gave the wrong schedule to the fans so they wouldn’t greet them at the airport. 3. Some fans still figured out the right time and waited for 12 hours at the airport. When the idols came, not one fan was allowed to greet them. They were threatened that if they did - the show would not be shot. 4. one guy came with a lot of kimchi because what is Indian food if not unhealthy and dirty. 5. One guy from the kr embassy assisted them to their hotel and one guy used the washroom and needed help from the embassy guy in finding the flush. Because we use manual flushes here. 6. They went to the slums! and Kyu Hoon (super junior) says “Now this is the real india!”. I think it was this show (can’t remember) where one of the guys got spoons because he thought that there will not be one place in the country where he’ll find a spoon. ya know, since we eat with our hands 🙃 8. they were at the Delhi gate when one middle-aged guy approached them to take a pic of him and his wife. comments section? “Omg I’m so embarrassed no one recognised them”, “I’m so glad they took the photo gratefully” like were they supposed to throw a tantrum? the entire comments section was filled with “such a great show! I’m embarrassed that no one recognised them! They should come to India now because every Indian knows their name” like bro did you not see the racism?

(2/2) when you search india Korea on YouTube, you get “do Korean guys like Indian women”, “what do Korean guys think about Indian women”, “reacting to Indian women - women in scantily laid clothes dancing in Bollywood and then calling it Indian culture 😎”, how do the girls react? “So proud they like our culture😌😌”, “I wish to date a guy like you” If they find a video on an Indian girl dating a Korean guy - “omg how did you do it? Will they like me - I’m dark skinned” like omg where’s your self-respect, when did self-worth become synonymous with being liked by guys from another country? It physically pains my heart to see young Indian girls (and black girls and girls from every community of colour) just letting themselves and their culture be disrespected. they are basing their self worth off idols who can’t give a shit and this is going to do so much long term damage to them. I’m so tired of seeing these idols and the entire industry actually disrespect every culture on the map and every single person is always supposed to assume that that not a single person in the entire industry has no clue on any culture but in the same length, all of us are supposed to tolerate every single bullshit thrown our way, liking a group and then wondering if the people in this group view our community as human beings. and then finding out that they don’t! And then having to listen from everyone and even people in your own community to not take it seriously. at this point, I plan on deleting every single kpop song from my library and forget all of this like I’m tired. Sorry for putting this on you. I don’t expect you to write an essay, I just really need to vent to someone who isn’t all about forgiving idols for their “mistakes” which at this point is my entire friend group.

Theres a lot here and I absolutely agree with everything thing you said this may be multiple rbs just to give a full scope of what i think about it so bear with me. But honestly a lot of these girls have internalized self hatred at this point like i knew girls irl that would say stuff like that like they would obsess over what men from other countries who had either no interest in them or didnt even know they existed and that was always wild to me? Like why do that to yourself? I understand liking a celebrity that happens to be a certain race/ethnicity but some of these people are obsessed with these men BECAUSE theyre that race and thats very different and dangerous imo!

Now onto the them actually…protesting them going to india..thats a WHOLE lot like jesus how racist do you have to be to even do some shit like that like i cant even wrap my head around that my god. Also like “im so embarrassed no one recognized them” that shit would happen in America too why even just say that about India specifically? Do they think every other country also knows these idols? And thats not even me down playing their fame a lot of people genuinely just dont pay attention to kpop so they don’t know them.

But yeah we definitely need to address the self hate that so many brown and black people have where they just like u said let themselves and their cultures get disrespected this was a good ask and im sorry that it took me a bit to respond to it!

[horansqueen]

Vote For My Next Story

I'll try to keep this short. YOU&ME has ended, and it was a big part of the last few years of my life (along with AM Conversations). It'll probably always be my favorite and best story but that doesnt mean i want to stop writing.

please, know that the oneshots ideas are independent from the story ideas, meaning that i can write a story AND oneshots at the same time so let me know if youre interested!

(click on the read more to read the 10 synopsis of the story ideas I’d like to write)

AM Conversations & YOU&ME ideas:

-oneshots ideas for what happened after the story, before the story, or even in-between chapters in the story. you can send me ANY idea that you would want to read between Liv and Niall or other characters.

-oneshots ideas for any "what if" you can think of (i.e. what if one of them didnt love the other, what if they hadnt seen each other at the bakery, what if Liv had dated Louis, etc)

NEW STORY IDEAS:

NOTES: 

all the ideas are AU. 

 #2 #8 and #9 will include a few of the 1D boys. 

despite the title, #4 is a Niall fic

titles may change

                                   VOTE HERE!!!!

you can also vote by messaging me.

in the form, theres a place for comments but you dont have to leave any

you also dont have to leave your name or anything

thank you if you vote, it means a lot to me!

ill keep this open for a while, until i get enough votes :)

1- UNPREDICTABLE

They haven't seen each other since high school and they hadn't missed each other at all. In fact, they never really could stand each other. Her, a bit of a rebel, listening to punk music, searching for trouble whenever she could... and him, the good boy, popular and loved by everyone, who could rarely be seen without his guitar. It's been a few years already but not many things had changed and they still didn't have anything in common... except one thing. Both of them aspired to become famous with their music. With a twist of fate, they end up in each other's lives again and if they can put aside their resentment for one another, maybe they could bring something incredibly precious to each other. But nothing has ever been uncertain.

This is the story of two opposite persons who share a burning passion that may slowly bring them closer... or make the hatred they already feel for each other even more intense.

2- D.N.A. (daddies now available)

The test was positive. I was pregnant. The problem was, I didn’t know who the father was. It could be my ex boyfriend Liam, his best friend Niall or my best friend Louis. Or maybe it could be that boy I randomly had sex with, Harry... I had no idea and I was not going to find out soon.¸

All I knew was I had to tell four boys that there was a possibility for them to be a daddy in less than a year. Can you just imagine their reaction?

Contrary to all expectations, they accepted their fates.. somehow. And no matter who his daddy was, “little human” was going to get a lot of attention from a lot of men. Exactly like me.

This is my pregnancy story. And it was just the beginning of a long journey.

3- MEANT TO BE

When they first met, Louis was all *MAIN GIRL* ever wanted. However, a decade later the high school sweethearts had change and she felt like most of the sparkles she once had were now gone. Then she met Niall and it clicked instantly and intensely and since then, they’ve been seeing each other in secret, lying to their whole entourage about the nature of their relationship. Feelings started to grow, things started to change, and maybe, just maybe, it’s meant to be. Or maybe not.

A tale of broken hearts, unforgettable love and many… way too many lies.

4- LIVING WITH LOUIS TOMLINSON

Call me Queen Catastrophe. I lost my job, my boyfriend, my best girl friend and my apartment on the same day. Just a little friday afternoon like all the others, right?

Thank god, my best friend Louis was there to save the day. Nothing unusual. I was supposed to crash at his apartment for one night and then walk on my pride and go back to my parents to admit how much of a failure I really am.

However, Louis had other plans : he wanted me to move in with him. That’s when my story really starts. Mutual feelings, drunken sex, grocery shopping, fights that end up with porcelain thrown around the kitchen (I’m an intense person, I know) but most of all, his best guy friend stealing his (our, now) couch at least 5 nights a week.

I despise Niall Horan with all my heart. Him and his stupid charm, his flirty smile and his hands that always ended up in places they shouldn’t. He was threatening to come between Louis and I. He was slowly taking more space in our apartment… and in my heart.

Fuck, I hate Niall Horan with a passion.

5- FOR YOUR LOVE

After months of trying to get pregnant, Niall and his long-time girlfriend found out she was sterile. The news obviously shook their relationship and sparked a few arguments but after a long discussion, they found only one solution : hire a surrogate mother. As days go by, Niall's relationship gets harder and harder to save, and his connection with the surrogate mother of his child becomes tighter. Soon, he gets caught in feelings he can't explain and definitely can't understand. But life is not as easy as just following your feelings.

A story of unsettling feelings, confusing relationships, a deep and strong connection but mostly, decisions impossible to make. Can this really end well?

6- DATING FOR DUMMIES

*MAIN GIRL* has tried blind dates, dating apps, and speed dating to find her soulmate with no good result. Niall has tried pretty much the same without much more success. With all the bizarre, creepy and incompatible persons they meet, they're so close to give up on love until they meet each other through a friend. After a bottle of wine and a long discussion, they start thinking that maybe they were the problem, and that they're too dumb for dating. That's when they decide to make a list of what they individually want and need on a first date and finally decide to try it together. Unfortunately, things rarely go as planned and they will both realize that feelings can't be controlled.

When all else fails, the solution will always be to follow your heart.

7- THE BREAK-UP PLAN

*MAIN GIRL* and Niall's relationship had started when they had barely entered their teenager years. Now, over 10 years later, they feel like something is missing. They didn't know anything else besides each other and it had to change. They still planned on spending forever together but their lack of experiences and mistakes seemed to be an obstacle between them.

They agreed on  break that was not really a break. for six whole months, they would be able to do whatever they wanted to do with whoever they wanted to. Going to parties, leaving for a whole weekend with friends without giving any news, dating and even screwing whoever they wanted, nothing was out of reach.

They only had one rule : honesty. Every friday night, they'd meet and spend the whole night together, talking, making out or just cuddling until they'd fall asleep, to make sure their love was preserved.

Unfortunately, things rarely go as planned and seeing the person you love the most in the world be happy without you is something almost impossible to accept.

A story about angry tears, painful jealousy, sweet sweet revenge and realizing who your real soulmate is. Watch out, it's gonna hurt.

8- HOT MESS

*MAIN GIRL* has always been a bit of a rebel who didn't really care about much. She just enjoyed life the way she wanted to and never really paid attention to anything else. If she wanted something, she did everything she could to get it, no matter who she'd hurt in the process. After a few years away from her hometown, family and friends, she finally comes back to realize that a lot of things have changed. Jumping in her twin brother Liam's life without being invited, she's about to make a mess of everything he had made so much effort to build by flirting with every single one of his friends without any shame. She's not looking for a relationship, she's just looking to have some fun and break a few hearts... but perhaps, she's about to make a mess of her own heart.

Sometimes, you play the game and some other very rare times, the game plays you.

9- 15 Complicated Rules

I have no idea how I got into this mess but somehow, I ended up with 4 different fuck buddies. I thought I was going crazy until I made a strict schedule of the days and time I would see them, and wrote down a few rules I had to respect myself. A useful guide to manege my 4 fuck friends. Monday for my ex boyfriend, tuesday for my co-worker, wednesday for my old best friend and thursday for a family friend. It could work, right?

I've never been much of an organised person but I honestly thought I could make this work. Everything went as planned for a few months until I broke one rule after the other. That's when I knew I was in deep shit. These are my 15 complicated rules to have fuck buddies. And this is the story of my downfall and the incredible mess I put myself into. After all, rule 15 was 'Never Fall In Love' and I guess that's something I couldn't control, even if I wanted to.

10- DISCONNECTED

When *MAIN GIRL* switches college to finally follow her dreams, she was ready to face anything and everything that would come her way. After all, she had been through so much already, right? The problem was, she didn't expect to be stuck in a room with someone who gets on her last nerves because of a paperwork mistake. Despite trying to find an other place to live or spend her time talking to the administration, she had to face the fact that this situation wouldn't change for a few months. Niall knew how to piss her off and he clearly abused that superpower, doing anything and everything he can to annoy the most pretentious and stuck-up person he had ever met. Perhaps fate is having a good laugh, because they seem to get stuck together way more often than not, but it's not until they let down their defense that they will see who the other really is... if that ever happens.

Apparently, some people are in your life to teach you something and make you grow. Perhaps, if you take the time to listen to them and open up to them, your karmic soulmate can turn into your twin flame... or not.

11- NEW ANGEL

When *MAIN GIRL 1* breaks up with Niall, he takes it harder than he thought he would, realizing in the process all the feelings he had for her. After a few weeks locked by himself in his room, his friends take him out on a crazy night and he decides he needs someone else, if only to get over the girl he loves. That’s when he meets *MAIN GIRL 2* and bring her back home.  However, on the next morning, he realizes he doesn't want her to leave, and that despite the feelings he has for *main girl 1*, he could definitely develop something with *main girl 2*. Everything is going amazingly well for a few weeks until what Niall never thought would happen actually happens : *main girl 1* calls him to tell him she regrets leaving him. Now confused and stressed, Niall is going to have to make a choice between the girl he thought he'd spend his life with, and a girl he just met that makes his heart race. And he's going to get help on his journey from someone he would never have thought of.

A story about making choices, creating connections, messy hearts and confusing emotions.

(i have many ideas for this one but i dont want to give everything away!)

[hanorganaas]

So I am doing a bit of an emotional dump because these past few days have been an emotional roller coster and in a good way.  And I just need to let it all out so forgive me for the rambling

The fact I can finally say I am moving out to a community that could finally help me thrive I couldn’t at home and actually fit in with the people is just a wild concept for me, because I thought would be stuck in a house or thrown somewhere because my mom couldn’t handle the fact i was standing up to her where I had more control over me.

I am happy about this, and though my ADHD puts me on the opposite end of the spectrum I can still fit in with people of all levels, some who you cant even tell have developmental disabilities and have a group of caring friends who wont judge me for my little stims and quirks while still talking about Star Wars and Marvel which I hadnt had since College. 

Most of all. I admit I have so much Anger towards my mother, she provided but still said such horrible and emotionally abusive things to me which fucked me up beyond control. It didn’t help because she is definitely emotionally unwell so it was like Russian Roulette being around her because you had to be careful what you did and what you said, especially since she craved attention, to look good in front of her friends. But......I know how much hating a parent who has been mentally unwell, eats you alive because I done it with my Father.

My father was an alcoholic, also suffers from Bipolar. Last year he became Sober with my brother who became an Alcoholic at 26 because of the same demons he went through with my family. But because of the Alcoholism and untreated Bipolar, he was just as ignorant and hurtful, (he still a bit of a dumbass but is trying). I was angry he wasn’t there. I was angry he didn’t understand me. I ignored him for years. I hung up on him many times. But the anger was so corrosive, it made me sick and physically ill. But when he became Sober this year, and we went through the death of my Nanny, while there is still anger I need to sort out which he knows about, I started to be less hateful and started to hang out with him more, and though there are still things that annoy the fuck out of me, I have been enjoying his company as long as its in small doses, and you know what just taking away the hatred I had in my heart for him and being willing to accept him for who he is despite the turbulant past, was the best thing that I ever did. Not having that Hatred just took away the heaviness and the black cloud. 

When my mom is not stressed and not having her violent mood swings where you have to be nice to her or she mentally degrades you, I enjoy her company. She still thinks my fandom world is fucking nuts, but sometimes shes willing to engage and learn more, and we have good laughs and talks. Its when she calls me selfish, accuses me of things, tries to put thoughts in my head, is when this anger and this hatred comes out. And the fact I live, well soon lived, with it and having these episodes last for days, like she says shes okay but this afternoon she was freaking out about not getting me to one of the things in the program on time and then crying in the car out of no where on the way home. And just like with my dad this Anger has made me sick, coursing to my body, affecting me to the point where I am winded and my body is on fire. 

And you know what yes, some of the things she said and did to me makes her underserving of my love. But I dont want to hate her. Its going to continue a three generation vicious cycle that started with my grandma probably being bitter at her mother for the same thing mom is bitter her basically and is continuing with me and if I dont break it, its going to probably continue with my daughter, whenever i have her because i definitely want kids someday. 

I want nothing more to have that understanding I do with my father than I do with my mother.  I cannot fix what happened. I can’t fix her sickness and her inablity to cope healthily instead rip people apart cause she is unconfident. But I can learn to love her. If I could love Carrie Fisher who I mannifested as my mother figure because of the issues I had despite the fact Carrie had issues and demons and did some unsavory things because of it, then I could love my mother too. But the only way is I can do this is to do the same thing I did with my father, not live with her and see her in small doses. So I can enjoy her and not wonder how long its gonna last. And living away is finally going to take the last thing has been a terrible load on my back, that has affected how i react and see myself and made me so damn defensive. 

Thats why I am so happy about this. I know if I heal things with my mother, its going to heal in a lot of ways too. I may not heal from my anxiety and ADHD which is gonna be with me my whole life and I am okay with it, stanning Carrie Fisher that me that, but I am going to learn to accept my mother for who she is, I am going to learn that not everyone is going to scrutinize everything I do, or mock me. I am going  finally know what it means to thrive even though I live conditions that knock me down sometimes. 

And for that....for the first time in my life, I dont feel hopeless. Going back to school for Data Analytics finally showed me what I wanted to do with my life and knew that even if it takes long to follow my dreams, I know I have direction. Healing my relationship with my Dad gives me hope I can forgive my mom too and I will break the vicious cycle of hatred. Being in this Community gives me hope I will get that acceptance and being able to thrive.

Hell, if I managed to meet Carrie Fisher and had her tell me how awesome I am before we lost her, got all those beautiful times and probably more with Ming Na Wen the woman I aspire to be, and fucking randomly met Harrison Ford the man I stan to hell in airport when I had no plans for that for that to happen, theres ony good things on the horizion right?

Anyway if you read though this dump which I cried three damn times writing thank you and I thank you for letting me space out this dump

[alicezan-ncgred]

Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul​, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative. 

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely  meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this. 

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too. 

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin. 

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better. 

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.  

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression. 

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that. 

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD,  Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind. 

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue. 

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt. 

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly. 

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling. 

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode. 

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell. 

[tumblunni]

Randomly thinking some more about that old game idea of mine that i just call Dark Pokemon for now, lol

Basically a monster catching game where they're treated as monsters? Normal people are all terrified of them and trainers get treated with a 50/50 mix of reverence and hatred. Because trainers are the only way that humans can try and exterminate the monsters, yet theyre seen as cursed people who dont even count as human anymore. Sort of a way to explain little cliches of the genre like kids being thrown out completely alone to travel the world, and you never really having any reason to revisit past towns after you beat the gym. I was thinking itd be a cool way to do it if the game started off seeming like a normal mon catching game and then before you get the big reveal of the darkness you can get subtle hints if you try and turn around and reenter the starting area. Because it goes against expectations it might be missed by a lot of players.

Also the towns are so small and the routes are so straight and narrow because thats how humanity builds society in a world of monster fear. 90% of the world is uninhabited wilderness where only monsters live. Human towns are sorta like sci fi dome cities without the scifi? Surrounded by protective salt barriers and charms and stuff. And if a monster even touches anything its considered cursed, so if one of them makes it past a salt barrier that town is abandoned and any people caught up in the chaos of the barrier's collapse are left to die just in case they've been corrupted. And the roads between the towns are manned by armed guards who are constantly vigilant to repair the salt barriers. But this means they have to live their entire life alone in these limbo spaces between society and the wild, and often most narrier breaches are caused by the guards getting paranoid from the pressure. You need to keep watch for monsters so any movement in the shadows could be one of them, right?? You get situations of roads being blocked off by some crazed guard who starts seeing people as monsters, or one of them pulling the alarm and getting a town falsely burnt down for being corrupted when the monster was really just a leaf blowing in the wind. Or the worst case scenario where nobody ever knows WHAT happened! You just find the road destroyed and the guard gone. It might have happened days ago and nobody knew until a merchant tries to travel between towns and discovers the only road of escape is gone and everyone is doomed to slow starvation. And you can still see the other end of the road just a few meters away, but the superstition is so strong that nobody will risk taking that single step into monster territory. You'll be cursed and that's worse than death, right? You don't want to turn into a trainer...

And then also nobody really knows what determines who's chosen to be a trainer. Inevitably whenever someone shows signs of powers the town will turn on them and make up any excuse that they somehow invited the curse by being promoscuous or athiest or something. And you need to be removed for everyone's safety! Thus begins the ten year old's journey walking the earth in search of a place they can belong...

Tho usually its not just kids, the protagonist and rival is a rare case. All your neighbours are torn between 'its so tragic it happened to kids' and 'they must be REALLY evil to get chosen despite their age!' And i think maybe the rival would be like a sympathetic gary type? Theyre so determined to be better than you because they think if they can prove theyre good then their parents will let them go back home. And this desperation leads them to make bad choices and reject the only friend they have left :( Also them being bad to their monster pals would feel more justified when they were raised in a society that says monster pals are evil and you cant let your guard down cos theyre just trying to tempt you. Listen to the assholes who dont care about you, because anyone being nice is a lying sinner!

Also i was thinking maybe you catch monsters with a magic song or throwing herbs at them or absorbing them into a jewel pendant or something else more magicky yknow? Maybe magical bandages enscribed with spell runes that wrap arpund them like a collar? And so trainers are divided up into weavers who make these catching tools, and then the actual kind of trainer who uses them to catch mons. Weavers are able to stay in human society and act like the pokeball shops, theyre sorta like a 'town witch' or something. Like 'we will tolerate your magic if you never actually make a contract with a monster'. But then of course catching monsters is necessary to defend against monsters, so weavers have to be allowed to make the catching threads and sell them to travellers. But only travellers are allowed to do that sinful mon hugging! But also hey sinful traveller will you please save us from our doom? Basically this is why most trainers work as mercenaries, all this bullshit means that you gotta be employed by some asshole who hates your guts just cos u need food to eat. But blablabla town limit of X days before you have to leave, etc etc...

Also i was considering an element of different towns having different mythology around monsters and trainers? So you never really know whats real or if all of it is bullshit. Every time you go to a new place theyre equally fanatically convinced that some new thing is the real sin and everything the last guy said is eeeeeevil corruption. Sigh! And a subplot i was thinking of is a town with very sexist mythology, where the roles of weavers and tamers are seen as one gender only. And the town weaver is this nice grandma thats trapped in an abusive relationship with a super misogynist gramps. And one of those cloyingly fake-softspoken "rational" sexists who's all 'im just trying to protec u, wrong gender roles are bad for your immortal soul'. And has a million "logical" explanations for why his bigotry is true. Like technically he's "valuing her as important" by not letting her leave the house or socialize with friends, because yknow "im a nice guy who's nice to you trainers, i know your job is important so shouldnt the weavers be working 24/7 to support you?" The frustrating feeling of starting to trust a guy cos he's not bigoted against your particular minority, but then finding out he's bigoted against someone else... Ugh. So ultimately in the end you can succeed at this sidequest and help the grandma make a pact with a cute fairy monster and kick his ass and leave. And possibly get into a cute and mutually healthy relationship with another grandma in another town, so you get to see that and have a bonus happy note to the sidequest, yknow? Also they give you a hug and bake u cookies. (The monster is wearing a cute chef hat!) And then you'd have a place to stay in that town that doesnt have the 'it gets more expensive every night to try and make you leave' bullshit of all the normal inns. And you get to see a cute animation of your monsters all cuddled up in bed too cos they dont force you to leave them outside in the Designated Monster Containment Cage.

Oh! Also randomly i was thinking of another way of foreshadowing! Like when you go to the first inn you dont know any of this stuff about people hating monster tamers and not trusting your tamed mons even if theyre tame. So you'd probably just think that you not seeing your monsters when you sleep is just the game's limited graphics or you keep them in some pokeball equivelant thing. But when you walk arpund the outside of the inn you can see a door to a basement cellar that's got weirdly heavy duty chains and bars even if you assume they store their valuables down there. And maybe when you heal at the inn it never restores your mons to full health, always 10hp away from maximum or something? Or other small hints that theyre afraid of going to the inn and your protagonist is wary about doing it even if you'd think theres no downside to healing. Or maybe you can see another monster tamer visit the place at one point and you can hear banging and growling from the basement...? Or see some of the chains have bite marks in the morning. And the townsfolk wpuld be all 'can you believe how much noise they made?' and expressing fear about monsters being in the town, though itd have to be written carefully to remain vague. But yeah 'lets mistreat these small animals because we fear them' -> they panic and cry for their one human friend in the world while theyre forced to sleep in a damp dark tiny room -> 'that just proves theyre inherantly violent!' Also the trainer is an ungrateful bastard for acting so sullen when they couldnt sleep from worry over their friends :(

But it wont be all depressing yo!!! All the darkness of the setting is dark but the monster pals are still just as pals! I give u grimdark world so i can give u a protagonist of kindness who fights the system and saves people in every town who eventually rise up and are swayed by their kindness into fighting The Old Ways and making a better world as the story goes on! Its like an adventure of creating the pokemon world? You try and sell everyone on the idea of trusting cute monsters instead of being so damn paranoid you inflict all these atrocities upon other humans and even yourself because 'sacrifices are necessary to keep the monsters away'. Fight the symbol of all bigotry!!! The evil team is Team Bad Dads And Politicians!!!

...sorry lol my story ideas are Weird.

[virtuissimo]

Pride by Ibi Zoboi (Review)

This book is a modern retelling of the Jane Austen’s seminal classic Pride & Prejudice. Zuri Luz Benitez is a black Haitian-Dominican teenager in her senior year of high school whose identity is constructed around her life in Bushwick, a neighborhood with a tight community that is going through aggressive gentrification. Across the street, in one of the new gentrified houses, the Darcy family moves in, including twins Ainsley and Darius, two rich private-school boys sticking out like a fish out of water.

Zoboi’s adaptation creates amazing parallels when compared one-to-one with P&P, but it can’t hold its own very well. The writing is a simplistic and the characterization for most of the named characters is extremely one-dimensional. I was taken a bit by surprise when I found it in the youth section, and the simple writing makes me confused about the age of the intended audience. In any case, I didn’t have a bad time reading this, but I was expecting a lot more than I got.

To expand a little on the intended audience, I think my confusion is mostly because of the conflicting styles. On one hand, Zoboi’s prose is very simple and almost hamfisted in how she handles her characters and story. Other than some nice and age-appropriate poetry from Zuri herself, the rest of the book isn’t very elegant in writing quality. So I said to myself, ok I found it in the youth section. It’s intended for a younger audience. However, all the central characters are in their senior year of high school, and there are numerous allusions to sex and cusses that I’m not sure would fly in middle fiction. I think those who are in this reading level will find the characters too old and teenagery, while those who are the main character’s ages will find the prose to be lacking. Zuri in specific is a voracious reader, and she herself would not have the patience to enjoy reading this book which is far below her reading level.

It’s easier to read this book for what it’s supposed to be saying rather than what it is saying, if that makes any sense. For instance, Darius when he first shows up is quiet and doesn’t offer much information about himself, but he also wasn’t very rude or belligerent upon first impression. I know “prejudice” is half the thing, but Zuri really jumps the gun and kind of started the whole feud in the first place. It just wasn’t that believable that he was some jerk who deserved her hatred like it was with Elizabeth Bennet, and similarly it wasn’t very believable when she later learns that she just misinterpreted his social awkwardness.

Also, I thought it was interesting that the title removed the “prejudice” when to me that seemed like a much bigger aspect of this version than in Austen’s work. For instance, Darius makes a number of disparaging remarks about Bushwick and its “ghetto” people, but even before he makes these remarks Zuri already “hates” him based on stuff she made up about him in her head. And then later, when they begin to get closer, she actually never confronts him about his prejudice and just. Forgives and forgets.

She also forgives and forgets when it comes to Ainsley and Janae. This bothered me a lot more than some of my other nitpicking because it actually changes one of the important themes of P&P. Not that Zoboi doesn’t have the right to alter thematic elements—she absolutely does! But the theme of family and the fact that Zuri would do ANYTHING for her sisters is told to the reader through a lot of exposition, but we don’t actually see it. The moment in the car when she finds out that Darius split up Ainsley and Janae is really representative of that for me. She got angry in the moment, but she never actually investigates to find out WHY he did it like Elizabeth in P&P. On that note, later on when she forgives him, she never asks him to account for it again.

In fact, character motivation and appropriate emotional buildup was a recurring issue in this book. Nothing hit quite like I think Zoboi intended them to.

The talk on gentrification and class difference is good tho. Perhaps incomplete, but there’s only so much space. They really show how class plays a role in a variety of different circumstances and scenarios, and I think Zoboi succeeds here where others have failed.

Some of the parallels that I liked:

-          Warren and Colin took me OUT when they first appeared. You can really see what Zoboi thinks about Mr. Wickham and Mr. Collins from the original lol.

-          The tour of Howard instead of touring the Darcy home was very interesting to me. I think it was a great introduction to how she wasn’t expecting her world to expand so much, and that there’s a lot of different experiences in the world that she’s missing, and she gets introduced to this idea by people who AREN’T Darius and Ainsley. I really liked that.

-          The leopard print and “inappropriate dress” that the Benitez family wore to the Darcy cocktail party. It seems like a good way to show how respectability politics still play into the modern day, and it added a bit of character to the Benitez family as a prototypical Latinx family that I really enjoyed.

-          The Warren and Georgia situation was also a good way to translate this into the modern day.

-          P&P: In order to avoid scandal, Darcy pays for a marriage between a 16 year old and a 20-something known scumbag, and this is seen as a good thing because it saved the Bennet family. Zoboi’s Pride: Darius beats the shit out of Warren. I REALLY CRIED, THIS IS WHAT I WANT OUT OF AN ADAPTATION.

Things I didn’t like so much:

-          Ainsley x Janae is treated like a veeery minor side story instead of being a secondary plot. One of the big things in P&P is that Jane and Bingley are the prototypical pure love story and they think they are the main characters. Ainsley and Janae are not given much space to breathe in the narrative, and their relationship comes across as an afterthought instead of as one of the principal plot threads.

-          The diversion with Darius’ grandmother was also thrown in there like an afterthought. It didn’t add much to the story other than showing that Darius will side with Zuri when push comes to shove. It still felt like it took up a lot more time than it needed to if the grandmother wasn’t going to appear again at the end of the book like in the original. If it’s role to the plot was going to be minimized like that, I don’t really understand why it was included at all.

-          Charlise and Colin as a pair also felt out of place. In the original, Mr. Collins and Charlotte weren’t a major part of the story, but they contributed to the narrative that Austen wanted to tell about marriage and the different types of marriages that exist in English society at the time. Charlise and Colin don’t really have that effect on the story at all. Both characters are completely irrelevant to the plot (except Colin in the last possible moment), and they’re only really there to BE an adaptation.

-          Some of the plot beats were rearranged. I didn’t mind this so much since any number of directorial decisions are valid so long as the have a positive impact on the adaptation’s goal, but I didn’t really see how they added much.

One thing I REALLY liked was the addition of Madrina. I’m not sure if she’s a reference to something I don’t remember from the text or a completely original addition, but I thought she made for some really interesting moments. I especially loved how much connection Zuri felt with her Orisha worship and that they called her “daughter of Ochun.” I would change NOTHING about this, it was pure and really sweet.

One adaptation I WISH Zoboi had made was to have Zuri call out Darius’ hypocrisy. In P&P, the Bennetts are certainly in a different social class from Darcy and the Bingleys, but they’re ultimately still property owners in Britain. The stakes are different here. Darius keeps talking about how things in his life aren’t perfect just because he’s rich (which is absolutely true, especially when Zoboi starts getting into his experience as a black teenager surrounded by white classmates), but he is STILL not really understanding the difference in experience between himself and Zuri. The thing is, although she’s not right to judge Darius’ whole personality, she absolutely IS right about a lot of his privilege at the very beginning, but she kind of lets that go after a while. Zuri confronts Darius about his wealth many times, but to me at least it doesn’t really seem like she was able to convince him that his whole outlook on life is fundamentally different because of his wealth. Idk maybe I’m grasping at straws here. I just wish that Darius had actually talked about like . trying to persuade his parents to donate more to charity, or doing community service, or idk DISTRIBUTING THE WEALTH. Darius doesn’t change much in the story. At the beginning, he’s like “sorry im rich but lmfao you’re being mean to me!” and then at the end he is like “I am simply a rich boy, I cannot change this” which is barely a difference at all.

Anyways. I really didn’t hate this book. I wanted to like it a lot more than I did, which is why I have all these criticisms about it.

I recommend this to anyone who wants to read a thoughtprovoking discussion on class through the lens of one of history’s most overrated love stories (speaking as someone who loves P&P: yea it’s overrated). Read it for Zuri and Darius, who are totally different people from Elizabeth and Darcy. Read it for nostalgia, because even though I don’t know what it feels like to be one of 5 Afrolatine kids in Bushwick, I Felt that family affection.

3/5 for having great ideas but not such great execution.

[archer3-13]

Gundam Seed Destiny Watch Notes

episode 1

- strong opening sequence both in terms of tension and emotional weight. it works because it pulls the audience away from the rather nonsensical and incoherent battle of orb into shinns immediate perspective.

- to sort of summarize its emotional impact, i feel more for shinn in that 3.5 minutes then i ever felt for kira or athrun as characters during all of seed.

- that’s hyperbole, but to get more specific consider how each character is introduced to us the audience [in the original broadcasts]:

-in gundam seed destiny, were thrust into the chaos and confusion of a battle. For those familiar with seed they’ll recognize this as the battle for orb, for those not however it’s a good immersion tool to connect us with the emotions of our focus character for the flashback shinn. Things are confusing, panicked, theres an attempt at evacuation but its clearly last minute and disorganized, battles raging and orbs on the backfoot. Shinn and his family are evacuating, civilian cloths, and well shinns the most obviously important one by value of his face hes dressed in mundane enough clothing to blend in with the earflap beanie being ridiculous enough to make him look more mundane [in my opinion]. His sister loses her retro cutting edge flip phone, and childishly refuses to go forward without it. Shes scared, shes young, everyone’s scared, and shinn in the heat of the moment runs to get it. And by shear coincidence and chance, that gets him out of the blast zone, the camera cuts leaving it ambiguous as to who fired the killing shot. It's impact is clear though, shinns beanie is thrown off his head as he struggles both in physical and emotional pain to take in the sight of his dead family and its not a pretty sight lingering long enough to atleast convey the sense of the images burning themselves in shinns head and definitely long enough to leave people uncomfortable. Shinns dad is crushed by a tree, his moms been seemingly torn apart likely by debris, shinns sister likewise has been shredded, her cut off hand having lured shinn to the gruesome sight to begin with. The battling mobile suits catch his attention, sorrow turns to rage and is swallowed by grief, and shinn torn between despair and newfound hatred simply gives up and wails in agony.

- in gundam seed we are introduced to athrun and kira through the opening theme animation in a still shot. The next time we see them in that animation athruns posing in a military powerpoint following his squad, and kiras cosmic naked with lacus on some ethereal plain. Ahtrun follows up with a confrontational still with cagalli backed by fire. Kira gets a group shot at the front of the archangel crew. Kira later still gets some random ass slightly sexual shot of a mobile suit exploding with a naked holographic lacus convulsing like shes having an orgasm as he looks on stoically, and later finally ends with a shot of kira looking up stoically as the strike goes through its launch animation.

- now, I suppose the immediate counter argument to that would be “hey, asshole, isn’t comparing an anime opening animation to a full on flashback sequence an unfair comparison? We all know anime ops are notoriously style over substance”. and my own answer to that would be “no, its not an unfair comparison because ops still tell us things through visual communication and most other anime these days and shows in general [of any quality anyways] are smart enough to lay down character groundwork before smash cutting to the theme song”.

- to go for a more grounded comparison that illustrates what I mean, lets go back to the original gundam in 79. The original gundam opened right out the gate with the theme song and op animation, no canned narration no nothing just bam, title song. Gundam seed opens with an admittedly effective shot of ginns descending down to earth as the zaft pilots steel themselves for war against the earth, which smoothly transitions into seeds canned narration about the war and how its supposedly speedy conclusion has been dragged out for 11 months. Then seed hits us with the op animation. And yet I would argue 79 has the more effective first foot by smashing immediately to the opening. Why?

- Aside from the 79 theme song itself being [arguably] superior to seeds first op song in every conceivable way, id say its communication. 79’s op is uncomplicated, simple and direct. Whats the gimmick? Giant robots, whos the hero guy? This kid whos shooting a gun and giving a thumbs up in the aircraft thing man he looks brave, supporting cast we should know? These idiots and some other robots look at em go, whats the conflict? These green guys with a prominent lead red guy they look mean, whats the heroes relation to his supporting cast? The supporting light and center of things good to know, heres a closing shot of the gundam look at it go, I hope that you got that its name is gundam. Its arguably deceptively optimistic for the shows actual content, but it works in forming an immediate emotional connection to amuro as the guy were suppose to root for which is good considering how he is in early episodes [an understandably frustrated teen, but hes very intentionally written to be aggravating at times so that immediate positive connection is good at keeping the audience grounded with him]. Its only then when we have our connection to the protagonist that we move into the brief canned narration. And certainly its not essential to introduce your protagonist first, star wars a new hope gets away with introducing luke like ten minutes into the thing. But it helps that lukes suppose to be something of a dark horse, the unexpected wrench from humble origins in the empires plan.

- by comparison we open seed with narration that takes twice as long to convey the same amount of information 0079 gets out in under a minute, and the opening itself is a lot more scattered and nonsensical, trying to convey a lot more then 0079s own opening. Whats the concept? Giant robots cool, whos the main character? Maybe these two guys, one of thems closer to the front then the other so I guess him, but also these people are probably important too? Whos are supporting cast then, this gaggle of clowns I guess but aside from the jerseys who tf knows what their relation is to maybe protagonist man? Whos the enemy? The guys in the different coloured jerseys presumably, they keep trying to blow up main protagonist man atleast so probably them? Whats the protagonists relation to the supporting cast? No fucking idea outside of being the main one of them, but hey atleast we know pink haired lady and main guy are going to probably fuck. That’s not to say no information is conveyed, athrun and kira are successfully established as a pair that parallel each other, muru and raru [the antagonist of seed] are established in a similar manner or atleast connected, as are natarale and that lady who commands the archangel ship whos name I never remember. We know who correlates with which gundam of athruns crew as they pose for mens magazine, and who pilots what in general. We know flay’s sad. But again, the problem is that its seeds first foot forward and for the most part it’s a confusing if flashy mess with only some vague generalities on the setting being conveyed through canned narration and the most important info from the opening seemingly being that kira and lacus are gonna fuck considering how much time they spend hovering around it. And even that turns out to not be the case.

- which brings me back to seed destiny and why it did the overall better job with its first foot. It brings us into shinns character first and foremost and it establishes both a lot of directions shinn could go as a character well introducing us to him at a very vulnerable moment emotionally. At the very least it conveys to us that survivors guilt and anger are going to be two big things shinn grapples with as a character, all well using pretty much only visual cues, sound cues, and minimal dialogue which better sells the intimacy of the vulnerability.

- but, I might still hear you say, its not a fair comparison anyways because your comparing apples to oranges, ops to private moments of grief. And no I say, im still being fair considering kiras ‘proper’ introduction as it were is only just… okay. We get the info that hes a computer wiz of some sorts considering the speed hes typing, its reinforced through casual mention in dialogue, we get the impression that hes worried about the war in some manner, a flashback to athrun and his friendship as kids reinforcing their status as a narrative pair, and then some suggestion of being a bit socially awkward and scatterbrained as hes pulled out of the flashback by a friend. In total all we really learn is his primary skillset as it were, a connection between the war and his friendship with athrun which is suggested by his concerns over it and the previously established narrative paring of the two, and that hes easily distracted. Its not nothing, but its certainly less narrative meat and potential then what were given with shinn if nothing else, and again its not the actual first impression we get of kira. The op is even if only sublimely.

- anyways, this was suppose to be about seed destiny. Seeds first op is alright, I privately refer to it as ‘seeds first op but better’ which it basically his. Similar pacing, similar visuals, but just cut together a bit better with a better song overlaying it [if your into that kinda rock anyways]. We get pilots and their associated machines, we get connections drawn often between trios this time such as masked man number 2, the blond guy on the Minerva and durendel. What I do rather like is that instead of just giving us a still shot however they kinda approach establishing the pilot trio of the Minerva a little more gracefully by having them in essence wave/salute in succession as they launch. More importantly for my money though is the tidbits related to shinn they throw in, shinn being pushed into the background of a similar shot from seeds op starring athrun and kira looking on the two with anger/resentment. Shinn also gets his own naked spirit scene with a girl, a blond one this time whos name I also forget but it also feels more like hes trying to comfort her instead of kiras similar scene from seeds op so I like it a little bit more then the more sexualized one kira got. Kira and shinn are also firmly set up to fight at some point with a brief clash in the op so some more interesting narrative meat especially since it hovers long enough to drive that point home then seeds more frantic cuts. Some teasing of kira and lacus, some parallel shots starring athrun, cagalli, luna and more, lacus and another more provocatively dressed lacus acting in opposite to each other… all around definitely not revolutionary but serviceable and better then seeds 1stop atleast.

- this does bring up the concern however of destiny relying on seed imagery which sets a bad precedence but I feel theres at least enough intentional subversion to serve as the narrative parallel as it were. Whether to destiny’s benefit or not is a different matter.

- canned narration time! Mercifully short thankfully and voiced by the lady who commanded the archangel I think. Uneasy peace has been established and we further tease that kira will have a role in this story somehow with him and lacus ambiguously walking on a beach under a sort of duskish sunset palette, well kira continues to look like a wet cloth and lacus continues to smile kinda creepily. Through no fault of the animators im sure.

- title and episode one is called “angry eyes”. Hopefully that will be appropriate wink wing. I never got why the plants look the way they do on a related not, like surely that’s more of a waste of space then it is economical. Its unique ill give em that much. Also cagallis here and what looks to be a passenger class jumbo space jet. Riding economy class from the looks of it for some reason.

- seriously, why doesn’t she have a private craft? Peace time and orb pacifism and all that sure, but shes an important dignitary and head of government, surely something with speed if nothing else would be better to use for political expediency? Or atleast somewhere timmy wont overhear your political planning.

- cutting to a military base destiny manages to show off both some pretty decent writing and seeds continuing problems. Visually its conveyed that the military base is in a bit of disarray as people rush to organize things and messes pop up as they clean up to look presentable for whatever ceremonies scheduled to happen. Luna and her driver get some casual back and forth that establishes their friendship, the drivers a reckless ass in his driving and luna well exasperated by it doesn’t comment suggesting familiarity with his behaviour and at least tacit acceptance of risk and danger [being more so annoyed with everyone’s panicked straightening up even]. Destiny then goes out of its way to have the driver clarify through dialogue that everyone’s cleaning up for an important visit and establish through dialogue that most of everyone is green behind the ears. Something that we already know visually for the most part and something we could have established visually as well respectively. Its not the dealbreaker by a country mile, just disappointing is all and indicative of seeds tell don’t show problem. Despite its visual language often being its best part when they actually put in the effort and have the budget for it.

- space helicopter! And the visual language continues to show its strength by having… rey [that’s his name right] not outright state his relation to durendel, but imply it visually. Rey notices the space helicopter [why do they have that in the plants?] smiles very happily, rushes over to where its landing and stands at attention in the back but in a place durandel can clearly see him. Durandel pauses in his talking about state matters to offer rey a similarly warm and affectionate smile in return. Its speaks volumes of their relation without having to say anything, and its even helped by the dialogue around it being about other things.

- speaking of, the dialogue in this instance also highlights the problem of the previous car scene a bit better. This feels more naturalistic despite essentially being exposition of a similar nature. It reminds us of blue cosmos existence, that their poking their head around and causing trouble, and in a context that makes sense and flows more naturally because its durandel talking matters of state with an advisor.

- incidentally, to kinda track durandel as a means of highlighting his ‘sudden heel turn’ into an inexplicable villain at seeds end and why it makes no sense and doesn’t gell with whats previously been established [or not if im wrong], im going to be noting durandel in particular. And in this particular instance he notes blue cosmos as ‘more of an idea then a true organization’ asking for clarification on the matter from a subordinate, well noting that well they can work on stricter enforcement of ‘the treaty’ it wont ‘eliminate terrorists’ presumably like the other party making a request of him to enforce the treaty more strictly hopes. Largely this snippet of discussion seems to be in reference to an as of yet heard request from another party incidentally, but considering cagallis presence in the jumbo jet… its almost definitely her. Putting that aside, durandels words and reactions in these few snippits so far paint the picture of a ‘pleasant sceptic’. Hes willing to try the other way but he clearly holds doubts about its success in essence.

- first shot of cagalli with background athrun! She looks sad and or constipated [hopefully that wont be a trend]. Meanwhile athruns rocking quattro four vaginas sunglasses but in a dark red.

- durandels advisor notes her as ‘orb hime’ or orbs princess as its translated in the subs. Durandels response is a brief narrowing of eyes, followed by a smile and a remark about her being an ‘awfully busy person’. Its not the most flattering opinion to hold about her obviously since the remark seems to be mostly made in jest, but its ambiguous in that moment as to why he feels irritation towards her even if its just in the ‘what a hassal/shes childish’ kind of manner the tone, remark and smile would imply. Said tone, remark and smile I would also like to note do come across as somewhat fond as well though, so its arguably not ‘I dislike you because you’re a child’ irritation but more so ‘im being patient because you’re a child’ kind of irritation.

- cagalli and athrun. Athrun makes things weird remarking about cagalli needing a dress, but he does follow it up with some decent advice about ‘not being what you aren’t’ but also how its important ‘to be take seriously’ in matters which cagalli presumably is trying to attend to. Cagalli is reluctant/begrudging about it, kinda leaning into durandels earlier implication about her being childish. Like its weird to bring up and make it about a dress but its not a bad point in general really. Also its an unofficial visit, hence the passenger ship.

- careless remarks about ‘those damn naturals’, but its used to drum up how everyones still very uneasy about the political situation and tease the Minerva. Also, random hot topic crew that athrun notes with athrun specifically noting the blond girl of the bunch.

- apparently the Minerva is going to be ‘the first warship’ to launch since the peace treaty. Cagalli notes it with some obvious frustration as well as frustrated hesitation as to why durandels proposing the meeting here. Athrun points out that cagalli was the one who wanted a low profile continuing the be the more insightful of the two.

- beauty shot and the plants colonies are way bigger then I always think they are. Which just infuriates me more because that is in essence double the profile for at best the same amount of space as a regular gundam colony.

- cagalli and durandel greet. Not much to note about the dialogue itself as its pretty box standard but durandel notably sounds more flowery and enthusiastic about it then cagalli. Also some guy in a suit is with cagalli, whos he I wonder? Durandel makes note of athrun and clearly sees right through the clark kent guise but doesn’t comment yet.

- hot topic trio strut and a shadowed shinn in an alleyway tease us as cagalli and durandel begin talking. Durandel congratulates her on her success noting his ‘envy’ of her rapid success though clearly in a facetious manner. Its not mocking, just clearly said because hes expected to be polite. Also third guy in suit, who are these people? Outside of extras destined to die and clearly identical twins. Also cagalli plays down her accomplishments as needing more to be done and durandel jumps on that to question her motives for the meeting. Noting it as a complicated issue she apparently wanted to discuss.

- cagalli doesn’t think its complicated, notes that durandels been unresponsive and vague on his end, and directly insists that durandel and zaft, and im quoting here, “stop putting to military use the technology and human resources that have come your way since the war with orb.” Athrun puts on his shocked face and durandel just smiles in response clearly being ready for this.

- now, im going for a direct quote there because I wanna put a pin on this because its so… weird in the context of cagalli herself. Narratively this is obviously suppose to sound ominous on our end, and not to mention this is very obviously suppose to be an easy statement for durandel to shoot down. But when ya get down to it, what the fuck does cagalli think shes asking here? What thought process and series of events led her to ask this question, because as shes wording it the overall implication its providing is ‘I believe your holding orb citizens hostage and forcing them to build weapons with stolen orb technology’. Cause like, if that’s what she believes and is trying to get across that’s an insane accusation to just throw out there in a private under the radar meeting like this. But if its not and shes just poorly wording her apprehensions from seed about orb building weapons then it’s a weird way to word that apprehension, and it’s a weird implication to hold that orb citizens are always under orbs jurisdiction regardless of if they decide to become citizens of another nation or not which implies they’re orbs property in a way. Is it a combination of the two, and shes worried orb citizens are building weapons based on stolen orb secrets? Whatever the case, its an odd look for her, and doesn’t help with the impression of naivety on her end.

- hot topic gang, girl [stellar that’s her name right?] admires herself in the mirror and blue hair boy asks wtf shes doing to green haired leader. Leader boy responds ‘being a happy fool’ and suggests blue boy try being a fool sometimes. It’s a quick scene but good at establishing a dynamic for the group, the pecking order as it were, and some camaraderie banter between them. Quick cut to cagalli demanding an answer, and cut back to stellar twirling and giggling like a school child lost in her own world. Cue accidental bump into shinn and accidental boob grab.

- stellar storms off upset and in a hurry, and shinns black tagalong yolant comments on shinn ‘groping her’ much to shinns flustered embarrassment. Apparently they’ve been out shopping for whatever reason. Not the best scene to ‘reintroduce’ shinn on what with the groping, but I appreciate that we get to see him in a more casual setting and cloths first. Fashion choices remain as weird as ever in ce, but again I appreciate that we see shinn acting flustered and his rapport with yolant whos more cool and casual, teasing shinn because he knows shinns gonna be flustered and uptight about it. Also shinns established to still be carrying his sisters phone alluding to ‘lingering hang ups’ to say the least.

- commercial break animation cut. These are always kinda fun in shows, but honestly im more weirded out then anything. Why is lacus in a weird translucent sexy ballgown getup all in one colour? Why a haro orchestra? Why have the commercial cut be kira and lacus when they aren’t even around for the first 8 episodes? It feels desperate to reassure the audience that kira and lacus will be returning is all.

- durandel time! Nothing too specific stands out, he praises cagallis bravery and participation in battle, praises cagallis fathers refusal to buckle under pressure, and uses that as weight for his rhetorical question about how the political situation of the world is. Actual admiration? I feel so. Athrun gets to have the shocked face upon seeing zafts newest frontline suit, the zaku warrior. On the zaku warrior note, I don’t actually hate the design itself but it does kinda feel desperate on the showrunners part to copy paste with minor alterations the zakus design for their own show. It atleast was redesigned to look like an advancement on the ginn.

- more durandel talk time intercut with hot topic infiltration time. The hot topic gangs infiltration stuff is pretty standard faire as we see they both have men on the inside already, and advance combat skills to take on armed zaft personal with just the three of them and the one other guy who kind of disappears after this. More importantly durandel and cagalli talk, or more so durandel talks at cagalli. In essence well he displays sympathy towards cagallis give peace a chance stance he correctly identifies the essential problem that such a stance of not picking fights or allowing others to pick on you requires strong force of arms or some force of political power to back up otherwise you’re a sitting duck with no bite to your bark. You know the same problem/question gundam wing obsessed over and then cleverly side stepped by having relena become queen of the earth and abolish all weapons forever. Other things to note, durandel specifically uses hime when in essence talking down to cagalli after she expresses discomfort with the title. durandel also identifies that cagalli might in truth be more so worried that the north Atlantic federation is going to use zafts use of orb personnel as excuse to call foul on the peace treaty, which he then turns around as justification for why zaft needs to build and maintain military power [also, he notes that hes not forcing orb refugees to build this stuff, their simply using their own skills to make a living for themselves]. In essence durandels position is that zaft needs to maintain military power so that they aren’t caught off guard and on the backfoot by the Atlantic federation if things do go south. A bit warhawkish of a position, but honestly a fairly reasonable one considering the north Atlantic federation has consistently expressed a desire to genocide the fuck out of the coordinators/zaft in the past. Also, cagallis only response during this is “to much power will lead to more conflict”, which is a ‘pretty sentiment’ as it were but also doesn’t entirely make sense. In the sense of, the greater military build up there is the more that conflict will arise, its an understandable sentiment but also not one that entirely plays out in reality. Durandels response is ‘there will always be conflict hence why power is necessary’ fits with the sort of sceptical side hes been highlighted as having but isn’t even the only answer you can give in that situation. Like, if you look at our modern world you could arguably say that the build up of military power to the levels its currently at has actually decreased the amount of conflict around overall, atleast in regards to war [because as war becomes more and more expensive to wage the less willing people actually are to pull that trigger and commit, the same principle behind mutually assured destruction in a way]. Or hell, WWI was horrific because of the advancement and buildup of technology sure, but its causes were more so rooted in ultranationalism and imperial gamesmanship coming to a head and causing a political breakdown of alliances and deals. Point being, cagalli has a pretty sentiment, but it doesn’t necessarily hold up to reality as it were.

- anyways, gundam jacking time by hot topic crew. We get names as well, sting for green hair, auel for blue hair, they jack the gundams [love the theme here by the way, its really good faux orchestrate violin kinda stuff with well integrated techno elements] technobabble, stellar displays kira levels of computer typing so I guess shes a computer genius now as well or maybe they all are? Whatever the case, hot topics epic gundam jack is altered by the usual dying guard pushes big red alarm button routine.

- confusion, panic, athrun jumps ontop of cagalli throwing her to the ground in a matter meant to protect her but just leaves me thinking that probably hurt, well durandels guards take the opposite approach and don’t exactly grope him but it looks a little silly how their best method to protect him in that moment is a group hug? Anyways, jacked gundams step out, we get names though no specific attachments just some guy saying “chaos, abyss, gaia?” and sting formulates the combat strategy in an effective manner directing the team to target the as yet launched suits first. Also blond girl is given a name and its stella, as auel mentions it dividing up the workload between him and her, and they proceed to star blowing shit up.

- durandel! His shocked face is weirdly adorable as he reacts in fearful surprise to information that the gundams from ‘hanger six’ have been stolen. Cagalli and athrun meanwhile look on in slack jawed shock at seeing more gundams. Speaking off, during the destruction we see some gundam gimmicks in action to wet the appetite with stellas [gaia I think] transforming into a doggo which is a ma form I love and wish we saw more often in gundam as a whole, auels [abyss I think] gundam shows off some weird wing cannon things and a fuck of chest laser, and stings [chaos I think] boring and shoots a gun but also shows off some missile compartments in his own wing things.

- luna, though I don’t think weve actually gotten her name yet, and rey though I know we haven’t gotten his name yet, make a break for some uniquely coloured zaku warriors probably intent on helping but get knocked down by the force of a blast which also impedes the zaku warriors by covering them in debris. Which shocks the both of them and clearly irritates rey.

- durandel wastes no time in taking charge the situation, calling in for backup from the Minerva and getting cagalli to be escorted to a safehouse. What is weird however is that when cagalli athrun and their escort take a wrong turn and get caught up near some of the fighting athrun pulls cagalli one way well letting the poor schmuk guard wander slowly off the other way to get caught in a blast. Only to have them take another wrong turn and have to duck and cover again. Its tense sure but a bit repetitive.

- cagalli wallows about the situation, athrun reassures her in a surprisingly tender couple of seconds, and a dinn gets cut in half and coincidentally explodes… ontop of a zaku warrior in such a way that it falls down perfectly intact in front of cagalli and athrun? Whatever the case, the invisible hand of the author practically screams at them to get in the fucking robot already through this act and its legit comical in a way. Whatever the case the two take in the destruction raging about, and athrun makes the command decision to drag cagalli off presumably to the zaku warrior.

- but before that, long launch sequence of the ‘impulse’ gundam with its yet revealed pilot. Its actually a kinda fun sequence both in animation and music, and its good for highlighting the gimmick of the impulse. Which is ripping off the victory gundams gimmick of being multiple parts that can operate independently but combine into one suit. A very toylike gimmick used by a tomino who did not give a shit, but its what were stuck with I suppose.

- cagalli continues to be three steps behind everyone as shes surprised when athrun tells her to get into the zaku warrior but im willing to cut her some slack for now and given the situation. It is annoying to have athruns impulses consistently being action, ‘I cant let you die like this’ and all that, well cagallis is frequently inaction though. What is odd is how however is how the zaku warrior opens and closes here, the hatch is clearly on the abdomen area but a protrusion on the suits chest extends out for some reason and then the protrusion retracts first before the suits hatch actually closes. It doesn’t make much sense.

- the zaku warriors up and running and stella alludes to the pilot being more so the danger then the suit itself. Regardless with the zaku warrior athruns able to put up a decent struggle, apparently the shield beam resistant, but sting interferes to very briefly put pressure on athrun before shinn interferes. That’s right, shinns very obviously the impulse pilot and we get a needlessly long assembly sequence to some cheesy heroic music as everyone watches in surprise. The suit assembles and the end credits song begins playing in the background as shinn, presumably privately, questions what the hottopic trio are doing and if they ‘want another war!’ before rushing to engage them with the ‘sword impulse’ a nice red variation of the suit with a huge double bladed sword with small beam edge in the usual seed style. Seriously it looks like the sword strikers sword doubled and were scotch tapped together its kinda funny looking. Anyways durandel gets a shot of looking on pleased at the impulses presence from a command center, as his earlier words about conflict being inevitable echo again and athrun and cagalli look on in shock. Smash to credits.

- nothing to really note about the credits, it’s a long extended shot of destroyed equipment as everyone poses dramatically. Of special note though is that it transitions from night to sunrise, with kira and lacus being the last characters in the shot looking like a married couple gazing distractedly towards the sunrise. ‘oh Charles is it not beautiful? Why yes it is emily’ they seem to say as everyone else is miserable around them. Truly the worst honeymooners, but its… definitely biased as it were thematically speaking. Also destroyed freedom gundam is I think technically the last actual thing seen in the credits.

- preview, and its some random gibberish trying to sound poetic that basically boils down to ‘we did have peace but was it only temporary because of human nature?’. Title for the next episode is ‘those who call for war’ and things end with an image of a blue impulse and the words “from the new path before you, fly, impulse!”.

[aurimeanswind]

Cold Breeze—Sunday Chats (11-19-17)

Another week, another Sunday

It’s been a long week for me. Not in actuality, because I’ve slept an average of 10 hours a day every day this week, which is both a good and a bad thing. It’s good because I’ve been sleeping crazy well. It’s bad because it reminds me of my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, of my sometimes inability to drag myself out of bed to do anything. It’s also a common habit I fall into when I know I’m depressed, and while I push back as much as I can against that overwhelming feeling, it’s still there. Ever-present. And it sucks.

It helps to know that the ExtraLife team, now disbanded, is definitely full of the melancholy. We all miss each other. Some more than others, assuredly, but there is just so much love an affection there. I think taking that step back in the aftermath of ExtraLife, the distance, the pride fills me more because of the tight bonds that were just driven home over that week. 

It’s full on Persona-style bonds. Maxed social link meters and unbreakable relationships that serve as tentpole and standing memories and gifts that we all cherish, equally. It’s a comforting feeling, in the sad/loneliness. 

But I digress.

It’s been very good for games! And I’ve sunk my teeth into some big ones this week.

What’s On Tap

Assassin’s Creed Origins

This is the really big one. I’ve spent about 25-ish hours with this title this week.

I love this game, which is super surprising. I wrote a big long thing about all the wild changes they made on this blog, so I’ll refrain from repeating myself here.

One thing I really love in this game is Bayek, the main character. The relationship with him and his wife Aya is just so good. They just fucking love each other so much and its disgusting but sweet and kind of nice. it’s this central bond that the plot swirls around and it’s really strong, unlike other AC games.

I also think the side quest quality in this game is remarkable. It reminds me a ton of The Witcher 3. While I don’t think the voice acting is quite up to that same par, it’s astoundingly excellent. 

I dont’ have many complaints about this game. I really just adore it. And I’m thankful to my friends Barrett and Youssef for recommending it.

Destiny 2

I’ve only been playing a bit here and there, with another playdate with Tony and Greg tonight. It’s been fun playing the game again though, and I’ve excited for the new content coming early next month.

Overwatch

I just wrapped up playing some Overwatch just now, trying out Moira.

Moira is excellent. She is exactly what the healing team in Overwatch needed, a new on-the-ground healer. I feel like Ana is just not an effective healer at all, at least on console where aim and precision is not as strong.

What I love about Moira is that healing is a resource for her, she needs to tap into it, and if you run out, you can’t heal anymore. It means you need to use her primary energy drain weapon, get out there, and be aggressive in order to be able to support your team.

It’s a lot like Doomfist’s shield, which he generates for using his abilities on enemies, and it requires him to use his skillset to then be a better and greater asset to his team.

Moira also heals herself with her attack, so she benefits herself and her own play style by being aggressive.

I really like her. She may take top spot as my primary healer, but I am also incredibly fond of Mercy’s new ultimate, so it’s a toss up. Much like all the many characters I play in Overwatch, it’ll depend on the situation.

Questions

Remember to look for my tweet on Sunday afternoons with the hashtag #SundayChats in it. Reply with your question, and you’re in here.

Let’s do this.

On a personal leve, because I don’t think 2018 will hit the same highs for me, I want there to be more surprises. Again, this is for me, because I think there were huge hit surprises this year for folks like PUBG, but I just didn’t have quite so many hits.

On that note, I hope those surprises come from smaller, indie games. Like I think that was a collection of titles that got lost for me this year because of the stellar AAA games that took the spotlight, but those weird and nuanced and special indie games are some of the best experiences I live for, and I hope with more room in 2018 I’ll be able to get lost in them.

Personally I just use the Twitter app on my phone, and I’m happy with it. Most folks I know swear by Tweetbot, but I’ve never really gotten to use it myself.

As for Desktop, it’s all about Tweetdeck. You can tweet from multiple accounts, and have just multiple timelines open it it. On mine I have a news story feed for games, my timeline, my mentions, my notifications, and then the IP notifications too. It’s the way to go, in my experience.

It was the greatest thing I’ve ever been a part of for about a dozen different reasons.

I’m excited to be able to relive it in the archived videos.

I’d love to visit Hyrule castle town either from Breath of the Wild or Twilight Princess. This is all pre-apocolypse, of course, but especially in BotW it seems like such an incredible and bustling place. I’d love to see the different peoples and cultures of that world melted together in that supreme beauty.

Another one is Hengsha from Deus Ex, because it’s the two-layer city, kind of like Midgar from FF7. I’d just love to see that in person. That’d be more of an architectural look, just to see that crazy design in person and up close.

Another would be Inaba from Persona 4. Just because that place is like a second home for me. I’d love to finally see it in person.

Hrm, that’s tough. I have a lot that I just need to boot up and get through at this point, so it’s likely the ones that I just know I’m not going to get. A big one is Night in the Woods. I’m determined to make Edith Finch happen, but Night in the Woods seems like a really special game that I’m just not going to get to.

That list of indie games is depressingly long for me too. Pyre? Probably won't get to it and I want to play that so bad. Steamworld Dig 2? I may not get to that this year. I’ll definitely play it but probably just not this year, and that’s such a massive bummer for me since I loved the first one so much. The Housemarque games this year too, since I loved all the times I played them in preview settings.

I do still have some time, and I plan on getting through a few good things between now and the end of December. We’ll see what doesn’t make it.

For me its a handful of titles that maybe Nabeshin has thrown out to me. I’d like to try Red Dead Redemption at some point. And 999. Those two are huge standouts, but outside of that, it’s hard for me to think of some franchise that I haven’t dipped my toes into at least a little bit with the given time. 

I should probably play Tokyo Mirage Sessions someday but we’ll see. Still have it sealed in the plastic wrap.

Man, this is so hard. Ideal is tough too, because maybe that implies I’ve been there?

The place I’ve always wanted to go my whole life is Ireland. Its the motherland right? It calls me back. That, and Japan. I’ve wanted to take the journey to the land of the rising sun since I was old enough to barely mutter JRPG. Those are the two places.

Let’s go.

So, for context, I saw Justice League last night and... I really loved it? Like, I loved everything about it?? I feel crazy, like I’m Greg Miller defending Batman V. Superman??

But I think if I saw it again or I took the step back, I could totally see why people dislike it so vehemently. I was honestly shocked because it... well, it felt like Justice League to me. It felt like it was out of an entirely different DC Cinematic Universe. And maybe my expectations were so low? I don’t know.

But anywhere, there are going to be spoilers in my response here, because Liza deserves the best response I can muster for this, since we’re JL believers.

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

Boy when Superman shows up and is just straight up like, good, smiling, wise cracking Superman (again, a totally different character than he has been up until then, but I didn’t care because fuck I miss good Superman) I was just grinning ear to ear. They managed to tap into Henry Cavill’s charisma and make him shine as someone I could actually believe is Superman. And just seeing him work with a team and work with other heroes, like, that’s Man of Steel I know and fucking love, and they just nailed it in this movie. It made me so happy. You have no Idea. It’s like I’ve waited my whole life for that.

So yeah, he was my favorite, but I liked everyone! Any second Wonder Woman was on screen was perfect. They made Batman feel so much more like Batman here it was ridiculous. I liked Cyborg a lot, and I feel like they gave him a great arc from self hatred in the beginning to “wanting to live” in the end. Aquaman and Flash were just a ton of fun. 

For me it’s just under Wonder Woman since I thought they just nailed Wonder Woman so well, but I really really loved it, as I’m sure you could tell. I was just a happy kid grinning that my heroes were finally on screen together, and it was rad.

Haha oh my god okay I don’t think I can pick ten different fingers, but I was thinking about this when I grabbed the question. Probably like, someone who’s fingers have powers, like Emperor Palatine or something? I guess Cole McGraff would be the real world video game equivalent, but someone who would let me shoot lightening out of my fingertips. If I could just choose one then one of theres and then the others from all the characters in Until Dawn.

Because why not

#AgentOfChaos

Eh.

It’s fine.

Honestly, the lesson you shared with me Tyler has been a really great one. For folks curious, it’s about Mountain Tops. It’s a great analogy to the higher moments we find ourselves in in life.

https://twitter.com/acegiak/status/924762544383782912

That and one I’ve taken to heart over the last two or so years, which is just to listen, and to care, and to pay attention. You don’t need to interject your opinion in every controversial topic, and far too many people do. But that doesn’t exempt you from paying attention.

We don’t have anything concrete in the works, but we have a lot of ideas. I think PAX East is something to expect us at, and I think more written work in the future is something to anticipate soon too. Not more from who is there, but more and new voices. Exciting voices too, if we can muster it.

I’d totally be down to play Overwatch for 24 hours. I just love the loop of that game. I’d probably hate myself and it at around the 18 hour mark, but I think I could still muster it.

Least willing to do would probably be something best experienced in short bursts, like a Spelunky, or a Flint Hook, or a Cuphead, Some games require breaks and I think those fit into that fine. Doesn’t make them worse or bad by any means, but when you can walk away and come back better rested, those are good picks.

The Checklist

I have been essentially off reading stuff, but it’s worth shouting out a thing my best friend Jazz wrote today, about ExtraLife 2017.

http://brazenbebop.blogspot.com/2017/11/extra-life-2017.html

She is getting into the writing of the content, and I’m excited to support her and see what she comes up with.

I am tired again, but excited to finish some things I’m working on.

Thanks for sticking with me, and for the unending support.

And for taking care of me.

Much love.

Keep it real.