#there would be more going on with chim and the others

[spotsandsocks]

Hiii Spotty 💕💕💕

🎅+Aurora

-❤️🪐

Hi! I’m sorry this one’s jumped the queue a bit cos I got inspired… hopefully in a surprising and fun way? It’s 900 words and will turn up on ao3 at some point. 🩷💙🩷💙🩷💙 it’s been written quick and messy so apologies for any errors (would love to know when you worked out what was happening, it’s probably very obvious)

Three days and he hasn’t let it go. Eddie had been sure he would but the man’s stubborn. More stubborn than he anticipated. Too late he sees Buck coming towards him, there’s no subtle way to avoid him so he squares his shoulder and faces his fate. There’s always the option that Buck won’t ask again.

“Eddie.”

“Buck.”

He returns the greeting smoothly. Buck stares him straight in the eye and jumps right in.

“You gonna tell me yet?

“I’ve already told you I don’t have an opinion on the subject.”

The look on Buck’s face is skeptical at best.

“Don’t believe you.”

The stand off continues, blue staring down brown.

“I’ll find out eventually.”

Eddie doesn’t see how to be honest but the determined way Buck pokes his chest with his middle finger puts doubt in his heart.

“Everyone has a favourite and I need to know yours.”

Buck narrows his eyes before he spins on his heel and walks away.

“Not everyone has a favourite.” Buck holds up a dismissive hand as he disappears. “Bet Bobby doesn’t.” Eddie yells after him.

Buck spins, starts walking backwards. “He does and at least he wasn’t too embarrassed to tell me.

He’s taken three steps closer before he realises what he’s done and stops.

“I’m not embarrassed! I just don’t have a favourite.”

Buck shakes his head sadly.

“Sure Eddie. Gonna find out in the end. I have ways. Ways Eddie!”

Then he’s turning away again and marching off leaving Eddie standing alone and feeling oddly guilty.

*

He lasts another day. Well one shift with Buck being polite and slightly cool, sitting at the other end of the couch not next to him, staring at him but not asking the question anymore. One lunch with Chim, Hen and even Bobby asking him to just tell him.

He doesn’t get why Buck needs to know anyway. Hen says it doesn’t matter why, he wants to know so tell him, Chim says to tell him before Buck phones his abelua to find out (which is a possibility that hadn’t occurred to him)l and Bobby says tell him before I have to order you to.

Eddie keeps telling the lie that he can’t tell Buck anything because he doesn’t have a favourite. He does, but he’s not supposed to so saying it out loud makes him feel weird. The others all told him their answer to Buck’s seemingly random and to Eddie deeply personal question.

He lasts one shift and a final look into sad blue eyes that look his way once before Buck says a general goodbye to the room and leaves.

Shit. Eddie rests his head on the locker with a deep sigh.

“It doesn’t make you any less of a man Eddie. It’s ok.”

Chimney’s voice is kind but has an undercurrent of amusement. It’s ok for him he wasn’t brought up in a toxic comp het environment.

“I know that, it’s just…. silly, isn’t it? I don’t see the point.”

“Do you have a favourite?”

Eddie sighs again and confesses.

“Yes.”

“Then just tell him. Who knows why he wants to know, he just does so make him happy and tell him.”

*

He knocks and waits. He hasn’t texted to say he’s coming over. He’s just turned up, that’s ok, they do that sometimes.

The door opens and Buck’s smile slides off his face when he realises who’s at his door.

“Eddie.” It’s a flat disappointed tone, Eddie can’t take it anymore. He blurts out the answer.

“The pink one,”

Buck frowns. “What?”

“The pink one is my favourite.”

“The pink one?”

“Yes.”

“The pink ones your favourite and you don’t even know her name?” Buck’s eyebrow cross examines him.

“Fine… Aurora. Sleeping Beauty. Briar Rose. She’s my favourite Disney Princess.”

Now he’s confessed Buck’s face has split into a giant grin. Maybe telling Buck something he’s never told anyone before is worth the embarrassment for a smile like that. Buck opens the door wider, clearly inviting him in.

“Thank you Eddie, was that so hard?”

As he walks past Buck adds.

“Mine is Ariel.”

“I didn’t ask.”

“I know, very rude of you, but I have no problem sharing important information with friends, unlike some people.”

And with that pointed comment, they’ve made it to the kitchen island which is apparently covered by various princess related decorations stickers, ribbons and sparkly things.

“Anyway, now you’re here you can help me. I’m making Jee’s birthday present.”

Eddie’s heart melts a little at how soft Buck is for his niece.

“Kinda got caught up in a Disney Princess research spiral, quizzes and stuff, what Disney Princess are you, what your favourite princess says about you…you know.”

Not really, but it sounds very Buck to him.

“So you wanted to know our favourites…” Eddie nods understanding now, and when he’d had refused to say, Buck had been upset and suddenly needed to know desperately. Also very Buck.

“Sorry I was being stubborn about it but when I was a kid boys didn’t like Disney Princess.”

“It’s ok, still love ya.”

The words make Eddie’s cheeks flush but he ignores that and joins his best friend; the kindest man he knows and starts to help with his mission to make and it’s a direct quote from the man himself, “the best, most princessy princess castle that ever princessed for a princess.”

Buck grins happily at him from the other side of the island and Eddie wonders if the day will come when he’s ready to tell Buck another secret about himself. He hopes so. He really does.

[multifandomfangirl93]

Relax- Buddie x reader

Summary: After a rough shift, you wake up the boys in a panic. Comfort ensues.

Warnings: mentions possible death, panic attack, nightmares

Authors note: Hey guys! It’s good to be back and in the creative world again. I’ve been pretty obsessed with Buddie recently and decided to randomly pick some prompts and write them! Hope you enjoy as I periodically dump my random stories until I get more asks. ✌🏼

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It had been a rough shift. You felt like things were going wrong left and right. You’ve seen more injuries and more smoke this shift than you have on any other singular shift. To top it all off, you thought you lost the loves of your life at one point.

Eddie and Buck had gone into a building and fell through an unstable floor. Luckily, neither of them got hurt, but you had lost contact for a good 10 minutes. Of course, during that time, the building partially collapsed. Bobby and Athena, who had been talking while you all waited for everyone to exit the building, held you back as you screamed for your lovers. Bobby’s heart broke as he looked at the sergeant and you, who was now sagging in his grip as you wailed as the fight drained out of you. By the grace of God, Eddie and Buck emerged from the far end of the building, having been saved by the concrete basement they fell next to. The place they fell in was a hallway of sorts next to the basement. By pure luck, the two had made it through the door of the basement before the building collapsed. Their radios had been broken by their fall, so they couldn’t relay that they were okay. You quickly tried to regain your composure once you were in your lovers’ arms and were immensely grateful when Athena drove the three of you back to the station while everyone else wrapped up the fire.

Now, an hour later, you were walking into your home with your boys. You all drop your bags at the door to be dealt with later. Normally, you or Eddie would attend to your things immediately, but you all desperately needed a shower so that you could all go to bed. You were exhausted. Tear lines still visible in the soot stuck to your face. You’ve had a tight grip on either Eddie or Buck since you were reunited, almost like you were scared they would disappear if you let go.

Showers were quickly taken as the boys whispered words of comfort to you and each other. You allowed the boys to wash your body and your hair, as your energy was quickly waning. They didn’t take long, wanting to get you in comfortable clothes and laid down. You barely registered any of it, so exhausted and wanting to just snuggle up in their arms. You got your wish not 20 minutes after your shower and quickly fell asleep, but that didn’t last for long.

Two hours later, you shot up in bed, jostling both men since they were wrapped around you. Your breathing was quick and your body quaked as you frantically pushed yourself up against the headboard. The faint smell of smoke still clung to the air as you hurried breaths sucked in the smell mixed with the smell of your boys.

“N-no. No no no.” You breathed out, rubbing your eyes HARD. All you could see were Eddie and Buck’s bodies laying lifeless on stretchers as Bobby, Hen, and Chim tried to revive them. You were so caught up in your dream world that you jerked away when a hand made contact with your arm.

“Sweetheart.” Eddie whispered, not pulling back from you as he caressed your arm. He and Buck had been woken up by your whimpers and whispers of their names in your sleep. They both know not to wake you when you are having a nightmare, but most the time, you are more coherent when you wake up.

Your head shot up at the sound of Eddie’s voice. You hadn’t even realized that someone turned the side table lamp on, or that you were in your own bed with your lovers. Tears still streamed down your face as you looked around the room, looking at both of your boys. “Y-you w-were. I alm-most.” You shook your head, stars dancing in your vision from the force of it.

Buck and Eddie sighed, both leaning into your view. They knew what you thought happened. Bobby had messaged and warned them about your reaction. He urged them to be careful with you and keep a watchful eye. You thought they died, and quite frankly, so did everyone else at the time.

“Baby. We are right here. It’s okay.” Buck whispered, reaching up to swipe your tears away with the pad of his thumb.

“Breathe. Just breathe.” Eddie coached, taking your hand and putting it on his chest. “Feel that? I’m here.” Then he moved your hand to Buck’s chest. “See? Evan is here too. Just relax sweetheart. It’s okay now.” Eddie soothed, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand.

You were still gasping, having a hard time reeling in your emotions. You felt the weight of grief and anguish as you tried to banish the mental images your dreams brought up. You thought you had lost the two most important people in your life. You thought you were now a single mother to Christopher, whom was still in Texas. You didn’t know how you were going to explain to him that you had lost his dads.

Buck could tell you weren't going to calm down this way. His heart broke as he watched your chest heave and bottom lip tremble as you sobbed, clutching onto Eddie’s hand and gripping his shirt in your other hand. He made the executive decision and pulled you into his lap, scooting over next to Eddie with you clutched to his chest.

“Shhh. Angel, I need you to slow down.” Buck whispered, kissing your forehead. “I’ve gotcha. We are okay. Sh Sh Sh.” Evan whispered, rocking you gently in his lap.

Eddie stood to go grab you a wet wash cloth, but immediately sat back down when you almost fell out of Buck’s lap to scramble after him, not ready to let either of them out of your sight. “Okay baby. Okay. I’m here too. Shhhhhh. It’s all okay now. Everything is okay. We are all safe.” Eddie soothed, looking between you and Buck.

You nodded, trying your best to breathe. Eddie pressed his chest into your side as you snuggled into Buck’s embrace, tucking your face away in his neck. You sniffled lightly and gently kissed his exposed neck. You breathed in their scent as you leaned a little further into Eddie while still snuggling Buck close.

“You smell good.” You whispered, nudging Buck with your nose.

Buck laughed, craning his neck to kiss your forehead. “Thanks baby girl.” He whispered back, smiling at Eddie over your head.

“I thought I would only smell your scents in our sheets and on your clothes for a while there.” You quietly confessed, hands clutching Eddie’s arm that was wrapped around your waist and the back of Buck’s sleep shirt in the other.

You felt Eddie breathe deeply against the back of your neck where his face was buried. Buck tensed under your hand. Neither of them wanted you to relive those horrible few moments. They’ve felt it enough in their careers, but they also know it’s even worse when it’s your partner.

“We know baby. We know.” Buck finally whispered, kissing your forehead once more.

“But you can relax now. We are both right here.” Eddie soothed, kissing your shoulder blade.

You nodded, head feeling heavy as the warmth of your two lovers melted all the lingering panic. There voices soothing you more than their touch. Eddie felt you relax, taking the permission he gave.

“Now, I’m gonna go get you a warm wash cloth, okay hermosa?” Eddie whispered, not wanting to break the bubble of peace that now enveloped the bed, but wanting to clean your face up before you all went back to bed. He knew the last thing you needed was to wake up with a stiff face from dried tears.

You cracked a smile, letting go of Eddie’s arm after placing a kiss to the back of his hand before he could retreat. Buck relaxed more under you, pulling you closer in his embrace. He never wanted to let you go.

“I’m so sorry we scared you Angel. You know we will always fight to come back to you, right?” Buck asked, running his fingers through your hair when he removed your ponytail, slipping the band on his wrist.

You nodded, leaning up to kiss his cheek. “I know.” You said, taking a deep breath. “I know.” You whispered, holding on just a little tighter as you waited for Eddie to return.

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I hope you enjoyed!

[inawickedlittletown]

All I Want For Christmas Is You (BuckTommy) - 4/7

Summary: When Buck and Tommy pick each other for the 118's Secret Santa, they both realize they know nothing about each other. That changes very quickly. Words: 2.8k Rating: M Read on Ao3 Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three

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Chapter Four

The next two shifts were mostly normal. Maybe he talked to Evan a little more and didn’t shy away from joining a conversation that included Evan. Maybe their eyes caught a few times and Tommy was tempted to just throw caution to the wind and drag Evan into an empty space and kiss him just because. Maybe, he’d started to get excited about the possibilities that existed if he and Evan really gave it a go between them. Tommy didn’t really think anyone noticed. 

“You’re cheerier than usual,” Howie said to him while they decorated the tree.

“I guess I’m in the holiday spirit,” Tommy said and added a few more ornaments to the tree.

“That is not like you,” Howie said. “Did you meet someone or something? You’re even being nicer to Buck.” 

“I’ve never been mean to Buck.” 

“You skirt a fine line,” Hen observed. “A very fine line and lately that’s changed a bit. It’s not a bad thing.” 

Hen was setting up the table where they would start to collect the donated gifts in a few hours. She fixed the tablecloth so it lay straighter.  

“I guess I just realized he isn’t that bad,” Tommy said. 

He spotted Evan bringing a pile of wrapped cardboard boxes to throw under the tree and he had found a Santa hat to perch atop his head. He looked adorable. Tommy maybe lost a step because he was watching him a bit too closely. 

“What?” Evan asked. “Do I have something on my face?” 

Chim took a few of the boxes. “Just your head.” 

“Very festive,” Tommy added. 

Was it bad that Tommy pictured him in nothing but the hat spread out on his bed? Probably. Hen caught his eye, raised a brow and Tommy had to look away quickly. If Evan, who literally said everything that came to mind hadn’t told them he wasn’t straight, it wasn’t Tommy’s place. 

Between Chim and Evan, they had the fake presents arranged. Tommy added the last of the ornaments and that was probably as well as they were going to do.

“Looking good,” Bobby said. “I’m sure we’ll bring in lots of toys for the kids.”  

A few hours later when people started arriving to drop off toys, Tommy got busy with sorting everything into the boxes that the Toys for Tots people would pick up in a few days. It was all going well for a while until he saw when Evan checked out a woman that walked up to him, saw the way he smiled at her and how she spent more time than necessary talking to Buck. 

“At least, it��s doubtful he’ll steal the ladder truck again,” Howie said. “And…she’s leaving her number.” 

Tommy didn’t know what the feeling growing in his gut was. Jealousy? Maybe a little, even though he really had no claim on Evan and Evan could do whatever he wanted. It just sobered him, reminded him that all they’d had was essentially a hook up and for Evan that was normal. It was what he did. 

Tommy turned away from Evan and Howie both, fixing a few more toys in the box. At the first chance he got, he snuck towards the bathroom and he allowed himself a moment. He’d let himself get not invested, but hopeful. He had to think about the reality and the reality was that Evan, no matter how nice and funny and charming, was still the guy that hooked up with women regularly and never really had relationships. There was nothing wrong with that and Tommy could have a bit of fun, but that was all that it would be. 

He heard the door open and turned in time to see Evan lean against the door, reaching behind him to click the lock. 

“Aren’t you collecting toys?” 

“Hen’s got it,” Evan said and then strode towards Tommy, taking grasp of his chin and kissing him. 

Tommy could do nothing but respond, kissing him back and gasping when Evan pressed him into the wall behind him, keeping their lips locked. 

“Shouldn’t do this at work,” Tommy managed to get out in between kisses that he did not stop. 

“Been wanting to kiss you for days,” Evan said, breath hot on Tommy’s neck before his lips were there and Tommy was leaning his head back onto the wall. “Can’t stop thinking about you.” 

Tommy was hard in his pants. It wasn’t difficult, not when a man as hot as Evan was kissing him and rubbing up against him. He could feel Evan was hard too and they rutted into each other and he shouldn’t have been surprised when Evan reached down to open his pants.

“Ev…Evan, we’re at work.” 

“So what,” Evan said and his hand grasped Tommy gently and then a little tighter. 

If they were going to do this, then Tommy needed it to be quick. Hen and Chim would notice they were gone. Evan’s hand felt amazing, and Evan kept kissing his neck and his jaw and when Tommy had to stifle a moan his lips were there to catch it. Tommy came and Evan somehow had a napkin ready to go so none of it got on either of their clothes. Evan threw it in the direction of the trash and it missed, but he didn’t seem to care, instead he was content to just stay close to Tommy and happy when Tommy pulled him into another kiss and when Tommy’s hand went to Evan’s pants. 

The belt was already undone and it wasn’t hard to open his pants and then there was Evan’s cock a little red and leaking. Tommy wanted to taste him. From the looks of it, Evan wouldn’t last. 

Tommy kissed Evan once more and then he dropped down to his knees. The tile was hard and cold on his knees but none of that mattered. Evan looked shocked, but his hand touched Tommy’s jaw and then hair and Tommy put his mouth on him. 

The weight of Evan’s cock on his tongue was everything. Tommy gave it his all, licking and sucking and using his hand to fondle his balls. It didn’t take long for Evan to start squirming and for him to stifle groans into his forearm as he came. Tommy swallowed and it seemed to turn Evan boneless because he slumped forward, hand catching himself on the wall. 

Tommy tucked him back in, took care of closing his pants and doing his belt. 

“Tommy that was—” 

“Yeah,” Tommy said, but he was conscious of how long they had already been gone. 

They washed their hands and then shared one last kiss that Evan groaned into and that left Tommy smirking because Evan was tasting himself. 

“Take a few minutes,” Tommy said. 

“Uh. Sure.” 

Then, Tommy left him there. 

A bunch more toys had been added to the pile. Karen had shown up with Denny with a small pile of her own and Denny was admiring the Christmas tree. Tommy had met him enough times to know he was a quiet kid. A good kid. He smiled and waved at Tommy. Tommy waved back. 

“Hey, Tommy,” Karen said. “How did it go the other night getting Buck back to his place?” 

“Oh. He stayed at mine. I have a pull out. He didn’t seem to want to go home.” 

“Oh,” Karen said. 

Did Tommy see Hen and Karen share a look between them. 

“It’s those roommates,” Hen threw in. “He really needs to start looking for his own place. It’s practically a frat house over there, Buck is probably the most responsible of them all which is saying something.”

“That bad, huh,” Tommy said. 

A couple walked up then, holding a couple of Barbies. Tommy moved to thank them and receive the boxes. He’d just placed them on the pile when he saw Evan return. He looked a little flushed still, but happy. Tommy almost couldn’t look away. 

-

There was just something about Tommy. It was hard to not look at him, or want to touch him, or want to talk to him. So much so that when he realized Tommy had disappeared into the bathroom, Buck gave it a couple of minutes before making an excuse to also disappear. 

Afterwards, he felt a little more settled, except that Tommy still looked like that and Buck had to fight with himself to not just make some excuse that got them both out of work. Buck felt like back when he had sex for the first time when he was a teenager and how with that door open he just wanted to have sex all the time. It was all he thought about and all that he wanted. It was the same with Tommy. 

Maybe he hadn’t been wrong about thinking that he did have a sex addiction, except that it was more like an addiction to Tommy and neither of them had even penetrated the other yet. Though thinking about Tommy’s mouth, the way his lips looked while he took Buck in…well, that would be sitting right in his mind the next time he was on his own and needing to take matters into his own hands.  

He and Tommy didn’t spend any more alone time for the rest of the shift and the only acknowledgement of their as of yet undetermined plans, was Tommy touching his shoulder as he headed out. 

“See you tomorrow, Evan. I’ll text you.” 

Tommy did text him the next morning and while Buck waited for the Mr. Coffee to brew his coffee, they texted back and forth and settled on meeting up for lunch. That gave Buck plenty of time to freak out about what to wear and what it meant for him and Tommy to go out like this. On a date. He was going on a date with a dude. 

A few hours later and he was still wrapping his mind around it. 

“Hey, Evan, you alright there?” Connor asked and Buck had forgotten he’d left his door open. 

“I have a date,” Buck said and managed to swallow ‘with a dude’ before he could add that on. 

“Oh, really,” Connor said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. 

Connor was the reason Buck was in LA and Buck had never thought about it much, especially not when he’d been so excited to find a new adventure after being in Peru and getting bored of it. Buck remembered how much he’d liked talking to him when he was serving drinks and how his eyes had caught his smile and liked when he was responsible for it. 

“Meet this one on the job?” Connor asked. 

“Huh. Yeah, actually,” Buck said. “I did.”

“Well, I was going to invite you out to the bar tonight, but since you have a date I’m sure you’ll be busy.” 

Buck rolled his eyes. He heard Connor start to leave and something compelled him to stop him because he couldn’t talk to Hen or Chim or…oh, he couldn’t imagine talking to Bobby about this. It would have been nice if he’d had Maddie around, but since he doubted the Christmas postcard he sent her would be answered — just like all the others — then Connor was probably his best bet. 

“Hey, Connor, have you ever been checking out someone’s ass and realized like five minutes too late that it belongs to a guy?” 

It was probably not the best way to go about this, but he didn’t know how else to approach it. 

Connor eyed him. “No,” he said with a laugh. “What’s going on?”

“I think. No…no, I know, but I think I’ve always checked out guys. Like, a hot ass is a hot ass, you know? And I guess I figured everyone thought that but now—”

“Now you’re realizing not everyone sees things like you,” Connor said. “I think we all get there sometime. What’s bringing this out now?” 

“My date tonight,” Buck said. “It’s uh, it’s with a guy.” 

Connor’s eyebrows went up high. “Oh. So, you’re like just jumping right in. Whole gay experience or whatever.” 

“I’m not gay,” Buck said at once. 

“Yeah, but you’re not straight either. And, it’s perfectly fine. You like this guy, so go for it.” 

He didn’t need Connor to validate him, but it was nice nonetheless to have him just shrug it all off, like who Buck dated or kissed or had sex with didn’t really matter. Connor walked to the door again, but he turned and glanced back at Buck. Offering him a smile. 

“I’m surprised you haven’t deep dived in some research spiral about this.”

“I’ve been distracted,” Buck admitted, fully aware that he was blushing. 

“Oh,” Connor said and laughed. “It’s like that.” 

“Shut up.”  

Buck went through a few outfit changes, put a bit more product in his hair, and then realized that it was time he headed out if he was planning on not being late.

“Good luck,” Connor told him as Buck approached the door. “Make good choices with your man and your gay awakening.” 

“Rude. And, Connor, I’m bisexual.” 

-

Evan had that ability to go from hot to adorable all in the space of a couple of minutes. Tommy had arrived a little early for their date, so he was outside the restaurant and got to watch as Evan walked towards him looking so effortlessly hot and then when he spotted Tommy, he broke into such a huge grin and Tommy was left trying to catch his breath. Then, Evan was there and pulling him into a hug. 

“Hi,” Evan said. “Ready to go in?” 

They walked inside and the hostess seated them right away, one of the perks of lunch instead of dinner. Neither Evan or Tommy had said it while planning, but Tommy was hoping that lunch could turn into going back to his place and that they could wind up getting dinner together too. It was perhaps a bit presumptuous, but Tommy knew Evan and Evan had said he had the whole day free. 

Tommy had shared many meals with Evan before, but usually they were surrounded by other people, with several conversations going on at once and people talking over each other. Tommy tended to be quieter, contributing only when it was truly necessary and never in a conversation with Evan. It was different to have Evan’s undivided attention, but Tommy liked it. 

“So, your art,” Evan said after they’d put in their orders. 

“What about it?” 

“What do you do with it? Do you sell it or gift it or display it anywhere? It’s very good.” 

“It’s not,” Tommy said quickly. “I enjoy doing it, but it’s just fun.” 

“But you’re so good.” 

Tommy didn’t think that was true. Not a lot of people had seen it, but Tommy could hardly compare it to real artists. 

“That’s subjective,” Tommy said. “You saw it in the middle of the night. You were probably still drunk.” 

“If you ask Bobby, I’m sure he’ll love that one of the ladder truck to hang at the firehouse.” 

It would fit in at least, but Tommy didn’t think it was anything too special. Anyone could sketch out a firetruck and then paint it red. 

“You know,” Evan said, “I always thought you were this confident cool guy, but I’m seeing a different side of you.”

Tommy didn’t know how to take that.

“Not…it’s not a bad thing. There’s so much more to you I didn’t know, is all. I like knowing that and getting to know you.”

“And what about you, Evan, are you hiding any secret hobbies?” 

Evan chuckled. “Not really. I mean, I’ve had a lot of jobs but it’s not like I still do any of those things.” 

“Jobs? Like what?” 

Apparently there were quite a few things. He was a mixologist. He’d been a lifeguard and used that as an excuse to surf all the time. He’d worked as a ranch hand. He’d done a few retail jobs. Construction. He’d travelled across the US bartending and taking any odd job and then gone through the training to become a Navy SEAL before dropping out and moving to Peru where he was a bartender right on a beach.  

“And somehow you landed a firefighter in LA,” Tommy said. 

“It stuck. It’s where I’m meant to be. I think it was what I was always searching for. Making a difference. Actually helping people.” 

Tommy couldn’t deny that he enjoyed getting to know more about Evan. He was more than just the impatient, impulsive kid that Tommy had convinced himself that Evan was. It did nothing to help Tommy find a good Christmas present, but he also was pretty sure that Evan would be happy to receive anything. 

Their lunch went by too quickly, the food disappearing from their plates, until Tommy was grabbing the bill before Evan could protest. 

“You’ll just pay next time,” Tommy said. 

It sounded presumptuous, but he saw Evan’s smile, the way it reached his eyes. 

“Yeah,” he said. “Next time.”

[fire-hose]

Christmas Colds

no warnings other than buck and eddie

being dorks

Christmas was always Christopher's favorite holiday, they'd go all out with decorations since Eddie could remember. But now that Chris was in El Paso, he thought decorating was useless, just one more thing for him to worry about. Naturally he talked to Buck about it, what did he not talk to Buck about.

Buck reacted the exact opposite of how Eddie expected. He expected Buck to get sad for a moment, since he loved seeing what Eddie and Chris did to the house.

Eddie sat on his couch, beer in hand, Buck right next to him. The TV was on, playing an old telenovela that Eddie and Chris used to watch together all the time. Chris wouldn't stop talking about it when he still lived in LA, only now did Buck have the time to sit down and watch it with Eddie.

Buck's lips pursed against his beer bottle, a frown when he finished drinking "You're seriously not going to decorate this year?" Eddie huffed, setting his beer onto the coffee table "I told you, Chris isn't here and it'll just be a hassle to put up and clean" The dirty blonde hated that. Why did Eddie have to be deprived of Christmas spirit because his son was gone? Or simply because it was a bit of a struggle to put lights and a tree up? He wasn't giving up.

The next day while Bobby made lunch for the 118 the topic of Christmas was brought up again. "I have no idea what Mara wants for Christmas this year, we already have most of Denny's gifts. Mara says it's enough that she's here and Santa doesn't need to get her anything" Hen sighed, pushing her glasses up her head to rub her face. "Sure must be lucky to not have to get your own kids Christmas gifts, Buckaroo" Chim teased. He knew that at least half the gifts for Jee-Yun came from Buck, despite his and Maddie's refusal.

"Does Chris want anything sent to him in El Paso?" The 118 turned to Eddie after Chim's question. The brunette just shrugged, to which Buck decided to butt in. "You guys know how Eddie normally goes all out for Christmas? Well he decided not to this year since Chris isn't here. How dumb is that!"

The team just stared at Buck, Hen chiming in "If my kids weren't here, I wouldn't either. It's too much stress to put it all up, then take it down and back in the attic" Bobby placed the lasagna at the table, salad in the other hand "Athena is big on Christmas so we decorate every year regardless" Buck's 'broody pout' was on his face "Not that you can this year"

Buck spent the entire shift trying to convince Eddie to decorate, saying he would help put the decorations away after Christmas, but he wouldn't budge. Without his son, Christmas wasn't the same for Eddie. Just another day with old memories.

Eddie had a 24-hour shift that Saturday, and that gave Buck enough time to decorate. Only problem was, he had the same shift. He couldn't just call off, Bobby knew Buck's fake sick voice from his real sick voice. He was dedicated. Eddie's house was getting decorated that Saturday.

The LA winters were almost never harsh, a decent mid 50° F (10° C) and the wind was never too bad. So Buck ruled out standing outside in the cold for long periods of time to get sick. His next idea was rain. But that was also ruled out, there was no chance of rain the next few days. He ran out of ideas, so now he needed an improvise.

He came up with the idea of hosing himself in the cold, then taking a cold shower, and sleeping with minimal clothes on. It was fool proof to him. Only he didn't have a hose. So he called Maddie, she had a hose, and would normally go with his bullshit ideas.

"Maddie, my favorite sister, dear Maddie" Buck spoke once she answered the phone. Her sigh could be heard through the phone "You're either high or have a horrible plan that you'll regret and blame me for allowing it" She knew him too well.

"Evan Buckley. That might just be your worst plan ever" Maddie scolded him like a mother after he told her his idea. “And our hose broke at the end of summer when Jee was playing in the yard!” Chim yelled from the background. Of course he heard. When were those two not together?

Now Buck needed a different plan, he needed to get out of work that weekend to decorate Eddie’s house.

When he got home from his shift he started a cold shower, kicking off his sweaty clothes. He stepped into the shower, the water surprising him. He took one of the fastest shower of his life, just trying to get out of the cold water. He put on boxers and walked out on his balcony. He wanted nothing more than to rush inside under a blanket but he was going to stay outside till he was dry.

After about half an hour he stepped back inside, climbing up his loft stairs and plopping down on his bed. He almost instantly fell asleep.

The next morning he was disappointed when he wasn’t coughing, sneezing and his throat wasn’t in pain. He got ready for work like he didn’t just try to do something so idiotic. Maybe it was a sign from the universe, not that Eddie believed in it, but maybe somehow he manipulated the universe so he wouldn’t have a decorated house.

Buck was getting ahead of himself, maybe he wasn’t just trying hard enough. That was it. Probably..

When he got to the station he saw Eddie in the locker room, and he decided one last shot wouldn’t kill him. He started walking but Chimney stood in front of him “No more bothering that poor man about Christmas lights and a tree. Can’t you decorate your own place” Buck already did, it’s just not the same as Eddie’s house.

Chimney wasn’t giving up, not letting Buck go to the lockers till Eddie left. Then he just went back up to make lunch with Bobby.

Buck spent the whole shift trying to ask Eddie to decorate, but Chimney was always right there and more than willing to punch Buck (as they’ve learned when Maddie ran away). So he had to go home and figure out what to do so he could get the weekend off.

When the blonde got home he kicked off his shoes, exhausted he just climbed the steps of his loft, crashing against the soft blankets Maddie bought him.

Buck didn’t remember falling asleep till he woke up with this horrible itch in his throat. He got up and drank some water, it was still dark out. He read the time on the oven, 4:19AM. He grumbled and grabbed his phone, ringing Bobby.

“Buck?”

“Sorry did I wake you and Athena?”

“Don’t worry kid, why are you calling so early”

“I’m not gonna come in for work today, I’ve got an itchy throat”

“You head back to bed Buck, someone can cover for you”

When they hung up he put the glass of water in his sink, climbing back up to his bed. The shift started at noon. He had the perfect opportunity. At the cost of his health, but a week of a few coughs and sneezes was worth it.

After Buck got more sleep than what he expected, 7am. Sunday. His body wanting to stay in the bed, but he knew he needed to get this done within these next few hours. He climbed out of his bed, dragging his feet down the steps and sliding his shoes back on. He didn’t bother changing from the clothes he was in the night before, he knew Eddie wouldn’t mind if he happened to come home early.

Buck slid on his jacket, walking out his apartment and starting his Jeep, making his way to Eddie’s house. Once he arrived he unlocked the door with his spare key, closing it and locking it behind him. He walked to the hallway and opened the attic, bringing down the Christmas decorations.

He coughed as the dust rose, covering his face with his shirt. He brought them all down to the living room. Next he had to bring down the tree.

After an hour and a half of struggling, and debating on calling Maddie to bring the 118 too many times, he got the tree down and up.

Buck thought about making garland, keyword thought. He decided to just use tinsel, he wasn’t going to miss any more sleep over this.

After almost two hours, the ornaments were up on the tree. The blonde was exhausted, starting to really regret the sick idea. Buck rummaged through boxes, finding stockings. One with an E, the other a C. He smiled as he hung them up on the fireplace.

Buck spent the last few hours just perfecting everything, wanting to do the lights last. Finally around 11, he started to unravel them. Only God knows how he could’ve gotten so badly tangled in the lights, he just sat on Eddie’s couch, admitting defeat.

When he heard the sound of Eddie’s keys unlocking the front door he panicked, just sitting on the couch, waiting to get scolded by Eddie.

When Eddie walked in, facing the Christmas decorations, he just stood there. Most definitely confused. That was till he saw Buck, tangled in the lights on his couch “Buckley, I told you I didn’t want it decorated”

He walked up to the blonde “Cap said you were sick, did you fake sick to do this?” Buck wish he did, but he decided the real thing was best “I may have purposely gotten sick” Eddie shook his head with a soft laugh, carefully unraveling the lights from Buck.

Bucks cheeks were warm, sweat slowly dripping from his forehead. Eddie wasn’t letting it go unnoticed, but his first priority was to get him out the lights.

When he finally got Buck untangled, he helped him up and to his room “Chris is gonna love the house when he sees it, but he will most definitely not love you being sick on purpose” Eddie walked to the bathroom, running cold water on a washcloth, waking back and putting it against Buck’s forehead “If I get sick you’re covering my shift”

Buck softly laughed and nodded, lying on Eddie’s bed, the blanket over him “I’ll cover your shift Eds” The brunette smiled, turning on the fan of his room.

After Eddie got himself some dinner and ate he made his way back to his room where Buck was asleep. He laid on the other side of the bed, a hesitant hand going up to Buck’s loose curls.

He pushed them back, not seeing the other man’s eyes open slowly. Eddie had a smile as he ran his fingers through Bucks hair. “Did Chris like it?” Eddie looked down and nodded “He loved it, he loves anything his Buck does. You might’ve convinced him to come back”

Buck smiled and closed his eyes again “That’s good, I worked my ass off for him” Eddies hand slightly shook, he never felt so hung up about Buck, sure he had a few thoughts about him on occasion but who didn’t? It was god damn Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley, six foot, super strong, great with kids, he was amazing.

Eddie’s hand froze, and Buck noticed, opening his eyes as he spoke “Ed-“ He was cut off by lips against his, an awkward kiss. Eddie pulled away after a second. “Shit sorry Buck, I don’t know what came over me” He pulled his face away, keeping his distance.

Till Buck pulled him back for a kiss, eyes closed with a smile. The kiss was just as awkward, but they were both just as into it. When the two finally separated for air, Eddie spoke “If I get sick I’m kicking your ass Buckley”

[lesbianrobin]

ok so here is my pitch for my dream buddie catalyst:

eddie and maddie are trapped in some sort of likely-fatal time sensitive situation together (drowning related probably because it's Them) (have they overused it yes is it still thematically appropriate YES) where one person could potentially sacrifice themselves for the other to survive. i want eddie and maddie using their combined experience and ingenuity to survive together and discussing who should be prioritized which means they talk about parenthood and how they both feel they've failed their children by "running," how their lives have been so defined by trauma and they don't want to scar their children any further by leaving them again. of course they're doing everything they can to get out together, but as the situation deteriorates throughout the episode(s) (c'mon something like this could be at LEAST a two-parter) they can't help returning periodically to the world's most morbid debate.

i want buck and chim on the outside both going out of their goddamn minds. they know that eddie and maddie are stuck (wherever), know that they're probably alive, but aren't sure in what condition and if they'll stay that way. rescue operations begin as everybody walks on eggshells around buck and tries to comfort chim, who wants absolutely none of it. time is running out.

eddie says that he couldn't possibly let maddie sacrifice herself for him and look buck and chim in the eye afterwards. maddie says that she couldn't do that either. she says that at least jee-yun would still have her father, and eddie says that christopher would still have buck. maddie says that of course none of them would just abandon christopher if something were to happen to him but—

and eddie cuts her off and says it's in my will. if i die, christopher will have buck. buck will have christopher.

they just look at each other for a weighted moment. maddie makes a decision. she says ...i meant it, you know. that i couldn't let you die down here (wherever here is i don't KNOW okay i'm not here to think up convoluted emergencies i'm here for drama) and look my baby brother in the eye knowing that i could have changed it. eddie says i know, okay, but it's different, you're his sister, and maddie says, yeah, but you're his... and she pauses. and eddie says what? best friend? partner? that doesn't—

and maddie says you're his. eddie, you're his.

and eddie... i want to see something slot into place. i want to watch him understand as maddie spills everything she's been suspecting since the day that buck came out to her and maybe since before she and eddie even met. maddie says you know, when i first came to california, you were all he talked about? you're still all he talks about. you and christopher. you're his. i couldn't... eddie, you're out of your mind if you really don't think that losing you would break him just as much as losing me. he would forgive us both, because he's buck, but i couldn't... i'm no saint, eddie, i want to survive. i don't want my daughter to grow up without me. but i can't do that to him. i don't know if he'd survive it. even if he did, the guilt would eat me alive.

meanwhile. buck is barely holding on to his sanity as rescue efforts are underway and time is running out. chimney is keeping it together as best he can but there isn't much that he and buck can do. he can't let himself fall apart because buck is already a stiff breeze away from clawing his own skin off and somebody has to keep their cool. something goes wrong—suddenly, their short amount of time has gotten shorter, and they may only have enough of a window to get one out before it's too late for the other. buck, who has been ranting and arguing and screaming this whole time... is silent. he is silent, and he stares straight ahead at nothing in particular, and we know that no matter which way the scales tip, his soul will be destroyed all the same.

eddie regards maddie for a moment. grief, heartbreak, anger, all flicker over him, but what settles is determination. he says that neither of them are going to leave again. that they'll survive together, or not at all, or leave it to the universe to decide.

of course they make it out. by the skin of their teeth, they make it out, working together, clawing their way back to life and love and possibility. maddie makes it out first, and eddie sees buck as she falls into chim's waiting arms. he watches as buck sees his sister, and reaches out to take her hand with trembling fingers and white knuckles, but there is no relief, no happiness in his red-rimmed eyes. just a deep, unspeakable grief, until his eyes slide past maddie and meet eddie's.

finally: relief. and then he is in buck's arms, a perfect parallel to chim and maddie, and we see eddie's face over buck's shoulder, and we know. he is in love, and buck is in love, and eddie knows, and he sinks into his partner's embrace with joy and acceptance.

after that, who knows? maybe a grand confession. a moment of quiet understanding. a passionate post-rescue kiss. a chaste, tender kiss in some kitchen or other. maybe eddie panics later, or maybe he's found peace for once. maybe buck has realized something and he makes the first move. maybe it happens immediately. maybe it takes a while, takes discussions about how it'll affect work and christopher and whether it's worth risking all that they have for all that they want.

and maybe they'll ask whether it's even a risk at all.

[p4nishers]

"so is your son really the reason you don't date?" "it's like he's having an affair with his own wife, you don't think that's weird?" "seems like she's already back in yours" "christopher's pretty english teacher" "eddie, what would you say ana's love language is?" "hey, how was the big date?" "i thought i'd been single too long" "sounds pretty serious" "so what are you going to do?" "that's not how you talk about someone you're in love with" "is that enough?" "you could always ghost her" "okay so that's what this is, you suck at [dating]".

u see where i'm going with this?

[madlori]

On Tommy and narrative threads

So some fans who are vehemently anti-Tommy frequently use the talking point that they need to have Buck confront Tommy about his past behavior while under Gerrard, or have him find out about it if he doesn't already know, and that he should break up with him about it. Or they need some kind of reckoning to happen with Hen and Chim in order to move forward.

I'm 95% sure neither of those things are going to happen, and here is why: the show considers that narrative thread to be closed.

It has run its course. It's done. It's been resolved. As fans and viewers - and as many of us are fic readers and writers - we always want to see things hashed out onscreen in exhaustive detail but that's not practically possible. The narrative sometimes has to signal that threads are resolved in other ways, in the way characters act towards each other and speak about each other.

Throughout the course of the three Begins episodes in which he appears, the writers clearly selected Tommy to represent the "firefighter who acted kinda jerky but got better through personal growth and friendship with new people" narrative. By the end of Bobby Begins Again, this narrative is more or less complete, as we've now seen Tommy act to support Hen and also be accepted into a friendly relationship with both her and Chim, not to mention Bobby. When he reappears in season 7, nobody acts like he's anything other than a friend, and Chim outright admires him.

This is the conclusion of this thread, as far as the show is concerned. Did he ever sit down with Hen and Chim and make some big speech or have some big discussion about how he's learned and changed? Probably not. Those kinds of direct conversations sometimes do happen in reality, but more often than not, you just spend years working with someone and your opinion of them shifts as all of you change. And remember, Hen and Chim worked with Tommy for years before Bobby even showed up.

And ask yourself this question: if Hen and Chim have both moved on, and have accepted whatever direct or implicit apology Tommy offered, how is it Buck's business to decide that no, that's not good enough, HE'S going to demand some kind of restitution on their behalf? That's patronizing as fuck. These are people with their own agency who don't need Buck to advocate for them and exact some kind of retroactive revenge for something they're not even mad about anymore. Would he be upset that Tommy ever made off-color remarks, or was less than welcoming to people who are now his friends? Maybe. Is he upset that Eddie nearly killed a man? Is he filled with moral outrage and disappointment that Hen cheated on her wife? Chim physically assaulted him, and so did Bobby. Is he still holding that against them? Is he upset NOW that nobody's speaking up on HIS behalf when Gerrard targets him? Buck's an adult. He knows that people frequently look back on their past behavior and cringe at what jerks they were, himself included.

Tommy has several times alluded to being ashamed of his past actions. He knows the score. The message we're meant to take from those comments is that he's taken steps to not be that guy anymore. Need he flagellate himself forever? Does this need to cost him and Buck a relationship they both value? It can't have been easy to come from a terrible father, go into the army, then into the LAFD with a terrible captain, and then to meet people who challenged your behavior and made you want to be a better person. The fact that he became a better person is something he should be admired for, not punished.

[buckevantommy]

Everyone's always telling Buck what he should do. Okay, sometimes he did ask for their advice, but every piece of advice he's followed through on lately has ended badly and everything they tell him to do he doesn't actually want to do.

He should want to do something if it's supposed to make him feel better, if it's supposed to be better for him, right?

Josh told him to bulldoze ahead and tell Tommy what he wanted. Tommy told him to re-enact his Buck 1.0 days and spend time with some indeterminate amount of people until he finds someone forever. Maddie and Chim told him to start dating again and also wait for the universe to bring him someone special; another someone. Hen and Eddie told him not to contact Tommy.

He doesn't want to do any of that! He wants to talk to Tommy, to see him, to get Tommy to talk to him instead of giving up on them and running away because he's scared. He wants to tell Tommy he loves him. He wants Tommy to know first and last aren't mutually exclusive. He wants to yell at Tommy, and kiss him, and hold him. He wants Tommy to apologise for breaking his heart and for being a dumbass. He wants Tommy to believe him when he says he won't do the same; well, he might be a dumbass sometimes - but he would never break Tommy’s heart. He wants to apologise for jumping ahead but also not have to apologise for wanting a life with Tommy or for being too much.

Since that first night Tommy kissed him, he's felt reborn. Not in some starry-eyed way that Tommy seems to think is fake and won't last, but in the way that he's shed the skin of past Buck upgrades and finally grown into his body, become comfortable in who he is instead of trying to fit a facade that other people would accept. Always too big, too much, not enough, never content to just sit in his self and be without his worries and insecurities moulding him into something else, something with a better chance of getting people to like him, love him, stay with him. 

He’s never felt more himself or more at ease in a relationship that meant something to him than he did with Tommy. Never felt more wholly seen - the good, the bad, and the too-much and not enough - by his partner and adored anyway, wanted anyway.

Halfway through making swiss meringue buttercream instead of breakfast, he realises he's thinking about Tommy. His coping skill, as Bobby called it, has stopped working.

There's butter and sugar in the creases of his hands and nailbeds even after he hurriedly wipes them with the dishcloth over his shoulder. He can see it as he scoops up his phone from the charger and thumbs over to his message thread with Tommy, leaving greasy crumby residue on the screen.

i saw you bubbling

After it happened, after the Chief distracted everyone enough for him to grab his phone and retreat somewhere he wouldn't be disturbed, he'd stared at the space where the unsent message had appeared for twenty minutes waiting for the type bubble to reappear. Waiting for Tommy to hit send on whatever he'd backtyped.

Buck's mind had spiralled with all the possibilities and while it spiralled and he stared and waited he never got around to actually calling or texting Tommy himself. And then the bell rang.

He has time, now. He has things he wants to say.

you were going to tell me something an maybe i wont like what it was but just knowing you almost reached out is kinda driving me crazy bc i have a fridge full of baked goods bc everytime i think about calling you i bake and now i havnt cooked a proper meal in my own place in over a week bc i dont have room in my damn fridge to store anything besides chocholate chip bananan bread and baked alaskas

He wants to say: and it's all your fault! but that's not the whole truth. Buck played his part in this, set the wheels in motion that drove Tommy away from him. But how the hell was he supposed to know that? And Tommy should've known by now he doesn't really do 'slow'.

i'm not sorry for being too much bc i shouldnt haveto apologize for being myself

Screw it. Can't get any worse, right? Tommy's getting all of him whether he likes it or not.

i dont see you as some queer life coach or someone to fill space until someon else comes along

thats not who i am

i thought you knew me better than that but whatevr ig

i wanted to live with you bc i want a life with you bc i love you

i love you

i shouldve said that first

Send after send, typing like a man possessed, he gets out everything that's been pent up inside him since the shock wore off a week ago.

His chest is heaving as the adrenaline rushes through his veins. And his eyes sting. He has to blink away tears as he reads over the last message.

He never told Tommy. Tommy doesn't know. Maybe Buck wasn't sure that night Josh asked him, but he knows it now.

i wanted you to be my last

He still does.

i wanna hate you for giving up on us

but i cant seem to hate you

This whole thing would hurt a lot less if he could just hate Tommy for what he did. It would hurt a lot less if they could find a way through this mess, together, and come out the other side stronger because they know each other better and know they want to fight for what they have.

Real love is worth fighting for. Red taught him that. Real love isn’t found, it’s made. Old gay Thomas taught him that.

Well, Buck found Tommy. Or, the universe did. And he’s going to fight, dammit, because he wants to build a future with Tommy. 

His vision has blurred with hot tears. Movement on his screen catches his attention from where his gaze had drifted over to the couch where Tommy had stayed to take care of him through his Billy Boils saga.

Tommy is bubbling him.

Buck’s heart lurches in his chest. His breath catches.

can we talk?

There’s a huff of something like manic laughter as he swipes at his snotty nose.

that’s what i typed

Hope blooms in his chest, sudden and bright and painful in the best way.  

can we?

I think I owe it to you to yell at me in person

There’s a long moment where Buck tries to return his breathing to normal but its bated as he watches three little dots appear, then disappear. 

Then reappear. 

Then disappear.

Then:

I don’t want to give up on us either

Buck’s tears are still making his vision watery, but now they’re tears of joy. He did what he wanted to do - he reached out. And Tommy heard him.

He should take his own advice more often.

[blackcoldcrackedheart]

Bobby greeted Hen and Chimney with a hug, "Any updates?" He asked, knowing from their maudlin expressions that nothing had changed since early this morning.

They both shook their heads no. "Docs are hopeful he'll wake up, but they're worried about damage to his spine." Chimney said lowly, rubbing his jaw tiredly.

Bobby nodded sagely; he figured the damages would be serious. His breath had been knocked out of him when he saw the younger first responder had been impaled by a branch and his face had been cut up by glass. "Has the hospital been able to contact his family?"

Hen licked her lips, looking a bit teary as she and Chimney shared a sad look. "His cousin is on the way from San Francisco." She said tersely.

Bobby frowned at that, "That's it? What about his parents? Siblings?"

Chimney shrugged; his arms crossed defensively. "They stopped wanting anything to do with him, Bobby."

Bobby felt a rush of annoyance at that, he was ready to snap till he realized...

"Oh." He pinched the bridge of his nose, "Has Buck even left his side?"

It was Eddie who answered, coming up from behind Bobby with a carrier tray of hospital coffee. "Nope." Eddie sighed, "Hasn't left his side since they got him out of the OR."

Bobby checked his watch; Buck had been awake for more than 24 hours then. They were already doing a 48 and where in hour 40 when they received the call. Despite Bobby's orders, Buck rushed onto the scene.

Buck's yells had him nearly want to sedate Buck or hug him once they saw how hurt Tommy really was.

"He needs to get some rest." Bobby insisted, "Did he even eat?"

"We tried, he's not handling this well, Bobby." Hen confessed worriedly; her voice shaky as Eddie pulled her into a half hug.

Bobby swallowed audibly.

He knew his soft spot for Buck was obvious. He saw bits and pieces of himself in Buck, he saw a version of what Robert Jr could have been if he had lived.

He had never wanted this for Buck.

For Buck to go through the worse thing Bobby had ever gone through.

To see the man he thought of as a son sob and shout about saving the love of his life as they pulled Tommy away from the wreckage.

Barely breathing and bleeding and impaled.

"I'll talk to him." Bobby decided, feeling both uneasy and strained. He couldn't blame Buck for not wanting to leave Tommy's side.

But the kid had to take care of himself for Tommy's sake.

"I'll go with you Cap." Eddie nodded to Hen and Chim, a silent conversation going on between the three of them that Bobby wasn't privy to and was unsure if he wanted to know.

Bobby didn't know what to expect. He didn't think seeing Tommy hooked up to so many machines, his face littered with stitches and bruises, and his chest and arm wrapped in badges would break his heart like this.

Buck was pulled right up against Tommy's bed, back turned to the door and hunched over. Bobby could see that Buck was holding Tommy's hand in both of his, his eyes wet and face red. Still in his uniform and looking as disheveled as he did when they got to the hospital.

"Buck?"

Buck jumped in his seat, turning but not getting up- he still had one hand still holding Tommy's, he wiped his nose with the other as he sniffed. "Cap." He sounded so horse that Bobby winced. Before Bobby could say a word, Buck beat him to it.

"You're not gonna convince me to leave, so don't bother." He warned gruffly, wiping away some tears before turning back to Tommy.

"Buck, c'mon man, you can't-" Eddie had stated to say but Bobby rested a hand on his shoulder, a silent plea to stop.

Bobby stepped closer, "Buck, you haven't slept or eaten anything in over day, and you were already coming off a 48-hour shift when we got the call."

"So."

Bobby inhaled deeply, not missing how Buck held onto Tommy's hand tighter, his lips pressed right against Tommy's skin.

"So, you need to rest, maybe eat or at the very least shower." Bobby eyed what he hoped wasn't dirt and dried blood that looked to be caked onto Buck's uniform. "Tommy is alive and he's going to need you to be ready to take care of him when he wakes up, so you need to get ready."

Buck sniffed, his voice hollow and broken as he told Bobby, "I can't leave him Cap."

Bobby squeezed Buck's shoulder, "I know, but he would want you to be okay too." Bobby knew that to be true, Tommy would have wanted Buck to have at least shower and eat.

He knew how protective and doting the two were with each other.

"I'll be fine." Buck insisted, tears cascading down his face, "He needs me here."

Bobby pressed his lips tightly together; he saw Eddie look even more worried. They both knew what it felt like, to lose the love of your life. They knew how Buck would shatter if something bad happened and he couldn't be with Tommy.

It happened to them.

Bobby took a shallow breath; he knew it wasn’t going to be easy for Buck to leave without feeling guilty. "How about this, you let Eddie take you home so you can shower and nap, and I'll stay here. I won't leave his side till you return."

"Bobby-"

Bobby raised a finger at him, "Two hours. Just allow yourself two hours Buck."

Buck's voice sounded so broken as he asked, "What if he wakes up and I'm not here?"

"The moment Tommy's eyes open I'll tell him I sent you home, my orders." He saw the look of doubt on Buck's face, "Buck, Tommy knows you love him, he'll know that-"

He watched in horror as Buck crumble at that, "I never told him." Buck started to sob, alarming Bobby and Eddie now as they watched the younger man cry into his hands.

"What?"

"I never told him I love him. We never got that chance." Buck cried. "You can't ask me to leave Cap, please don't ask me to."

"Hey," Eddie's voice was soft as he patted Buck's back, "You and Tommy will get that chance Buck. He's gonna wake up and he's gonna need you and all of us, but Bobby's right- you can't keep going like this. He needs you to be okay."

Bobby kneeled down, he could see Buck's knee shaking, "Buck," he said slowly, "You have my word that the moment Tommy wakes up, I will call you. I'm not asking you to leave for the whole day, just two hours so that you can come back here with a clear head. Tommy's cousin is on his way here, he's gonna need your support as much as you're gonna need his. For Tommy's sake, kid, you need to be okay."

Buck looked like he was close to throwing up as he stood up, wobbling and barely getting caught by Bobby and Eddie in time. "O-Okay." Buck's voice was barely audible, Bobby couldn't take looking at him for too long- Buck’s blue eyes were blood shot and his skin was clammy to the touch. "You promise you won't leave him?" He asked Bobby.

Bobby felt his heart crack again as he was reminded about Robert Jr- how he would make Bobby promise he would come home in time for their favorite show.

"I promise kid." Bobby watched with bated breath as Buck finally stood on his own, still shaky as he pulled Bobby in for a tight hug.

Bobby held on tighter.

"Two hours?" Buck asked them both, looking and sounding uncertain- as though it was a trap.

"Two hours." Eddie promised, already leading Buck to the door since he was still unsteady. "I'll even warn you when the two hours is almost up, okay?"

That had Buck look mildly appeased, "Okay." He said roughly, wiping away more tears and snot. He was barely out the door when he turned around and leaned over Tommy, kissing him on his forehead and whispering something to him that neither Bobby or Eddie could hear.

Bobby sighed as he looked down as his former firefighter, taking a seat where Buck had been.

"Hey Tommy." Bobby took Tommy's hand in his, "You scared us out there, we thought we were going to lose you." Bobby had watched how terrified Hen and Chim were when they realized Tommy might have suffered spinal damage from the impact of the crash. How they hurried to stop the bleeding from Tommy's mouth and stomach where the branch had impaled him. "I need you to fight to come back to us, Tommy. You can't leave us yet. You can't leave Buck; I don't think he'll ever be okay if he loses you to tell you the truth. That kid has been looking for his other half for as long as he's been looking for a family. He has us and he needs you, we all do." He brushed away Tommy's curls from his forehead, "You have a family with us too, we need you. Not because you’re Buck's boyfriend, we just need you kid." He sighed, regretting the times in where didn't push for Tommy to open up to him.

He was just as guarded as Bobby was back then when they were both at the 118. But Bobby could see it, there was a level of uncertainness that Tommy had carried on his shoulder when he was with the 118. He figured it was guilt and something else, something that made Tommy seem closed off even when he was trying to relax during team dinners.

"Listen," Bobby pulled out his rosary and miniature Bible, "I know you don't consider yourself Catholic anymore, but praying is what I do for my family." He leaned back in the chair and started to pray.

[loucifersbitch]

Buck walks through the automatic doors on autopilot and freezes. It hits him then that the last time he stood here, he was meeting Tommy for Maddie and Chim’s wedding. He had stood almost in this very spot and kissed his boyfriend who was covered in soot after fighting a wildfire all night and most of the day.

Now his boyfriend is somewhere else in the hospital, and Buck can’t kiss him or touch him, and his hands are shaking, and he thinks he’s going to be sick.

He turns toward the nearest bathroom and makes it into the stall just in time. He hasn’t eaten yet today, so he’s only throwing up bile mixed with panic and regret, but it’s just as bad.

It’s Hen who finds him, which -

“Why are you in the men’s room?” he asks, his voice weak and still creaky.

“I thought you might need a medical professional.” When Buck just looks at her, she continues with a sigh, “We could hear you in the waiting room. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh.” That’s a little embarrassing. “Sorry. And thanks.”

He gratefully accepts the wet paper towel she hands him to wipe his face.

“Any news yet?”

“Not yet. They took him back for surgery, and it’ll probably be a few more hours before we hear. Bobby and Eddie are in the waiting room if there’s an update. Chim went to pick up Jee from daycare, but he’ll be back later with Maddie.”

Then she produces a water bottle from somewhere behind her.

“How long have I been in here?” Buck asks. Hen seems way too prepared for it to have been just a few minutes.

“About half an hour,” she says. “Actually closer to 45 minutes now.”

“Right.”

So time is still moving awkwardly. He can’t get his bearings. He feels untethered, like he’ll never be on solid ground again.

“Why don’t we get you up and out to a chair?” Hen asks gently. She’s not treating him with kid gloves, but she is being more careful than necessary.

He decides to accept it for the time being. Maybe he does need the softness in her voice and the kindness in her eyes right now.

“Yeah - yeah, that’s a good idea. Thanks, Hen.”

She smiles with something like relief and then stands, offering Buck a hand up.

The waiting room is blessedly empty save for their morose party. Buck tries to sit down, but before he can, Hen is pulling at his turnout coat, trying to yank it off his shoulders. She manhandles the coat off and tosses it to Eddie who adds it to the growing pile of coats on an unused chair in the corner. He’s too tired to fight it or question it, plus it was getting heavy with all of the rain still soaked into the fabric. 

After that, Hen leaves to call Karen, and Ravi goes to get food for them all at a little cafe just up the road that they’ve come to know well. 

Buck sits between Bobby and Eddie, almost a mockery of them standing at the crash site, holding him up. Best not to think about it.

Eddie holds a phone in his hands that Buck recognizes, but it’s not Eddie’s phone. The screen is cracked at the upper corner, spider-webbing its way diagonally down the length of the glass.

“Is that -?” He can’t even bring himself to ask.

“It’s Tommy’s, yeah. A nurse brought out the personal items he had on him a while ago. I was going to see if he has any family in his contacts, but I don’t know his passcode.”

“Oh,” Buck swallows roughly, “it’s um - it’s my birthday. But,” he continues before Eddie types the digits, “he doesn’t have any family in his contacts. At least, not anyone he would want here.”

“Ah,” is all Eddie says before handing the phone over to Buck. He pockets it and tries to think about anything other than his boyfriend a few rooms away getting his arm put back together.

He spends the next few minutes staring off into space thinking of nothing other than his boyfriend a few rooms away getting his arm put back together.

“He’s gonna be okay, Buck,” Eddie says into the heavy silence.

“Eddie’s right,” Bobby adds. “His arm will be fine, and the cuts and scrapes will heal. He’ll be back up in the sky before you know it.”

Buck feels his stomach churn threateningly at the thought, but he does his best to nod and smile. 

When Ravi returns with food, Buck can’t handle the smell, let alone eating anything. But he tries. He can hear Tommy’s low voice in his head warning, “Evan, you need to eat something,” and that convinces him more than Eddie’s prodding.

When Karen shows up along with Chimney and Maddie, Buck feels the need to pull her and his sister off to the side.

He tries to keep his voice steady as he says, “I didn’t get it. Before, I mean. I didn’t get what it felt like to be on this side.” He’s oddly proud his voice only cracked once.

Maddie grabs his hand. “Buck, you’ve been on this side a lot of times. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the 118 isn’t very good at staying out of the hospital.”

He lets out a wet laugh.

“I think he means on the worried partner side of things,” Karen says. “You’ve never had someone you’re in a relationship with get injured like this before. Is that right?”

“Y-yeah.” He chuckles sardonically. “When I saw the helicopter - and his - his hand hanging out the window - I thought - he wasn’t moving, y’know? It took us so long to find him. We were too late. I thought -”

“You thought you’d lost him,” Maddie supplies. He can only nod. “Yep, welcome to the Worried Partners Club.”

“It sucks, but it’s worth it,” Karen adds.

Later, when Athena gets off shift, she arrives at the hospital bearing coffee for everyone. Buck nods gratefully when she hands him one, and the understanding look in her eyes nearly sets him off again. Although, he thinks he might be too dehydrated for tears by now.

“Family of Thomas Kinard?” a voice calls from the doors leading to the OR.

Everyone looks up, but Buck is on his feet before the nurse finishes saying Tommy’s name. He feels people behind him, and the nurse’s eyes widen a bit at everyone gathering around, but Buck’s glad for them.

“He’s out of surgery. Everything went well. He’ll be in recovery for about an hour, but as soon as we get him in a room, you can see him.” 

The last part is directed toward Buck. Maybe he now looks like he’s part of the Worried Partners Club, but that’s fine. He’ll see Tommy soon. That’s what matters.

He catches the end of the nurse’s spiel as he says, “...still be under some sedation, so don’t expect much conversation.”

Buck nods, and the nurse leaves, and then Maddie is dragging him back to their chairs, handing him his coffee, and plopping down next to him to wait until they can see Tommy.

“He’s going to be insufferable,” Eddie says suddenly. He looks at Buck and says, “Remember that time he sprained his ankle while we were sparring? God, he was the worst patient.”

Buck genuinely laughs for the first time since they got the call. “He’s so stubborn, he wouldn’t even let me open doors for him. He just struggled to balance on his crutches so he could do it himself. He almost fell into the bushes twice outside the physical therapist’s office.”

Then everyone is laughing, a sense of lightness settling over Buck. He still doesn’t feel grounded or right necessarily, but laughing with his family helps.

They keep telling stories after that. Most of them are about Tommy, but some are stories or updates about kids or parents or a new recipe gone wrong. They all avoid the topic of work.

“Family of Thomas Kinard?” It’s a different nurse this time, but she doesn’t blink an eye at the number of family Tommy has. “He’s resting in his room. You can go back to see him, but we ask that you keep it to 4 or 5 people at a time. He’s still pretty groggy and probably won’t remember what happened right away, so keep conversation simple.” Then she turns and starts walking down the hallway, not waiting or looking back to see if anyone follows.

Buck grabs Chim and Eddie and gestures at Bobby to come, too. At the last second he grabs Hen’s hand, and the five of them hurry to catch up with the nurse together.

“Breathe, Buck,” Hen whispers.

He can’t. Not yet.

part 1

part 2

part 4

[7ndipity]

Them With A Shy S/o

Ot7 x Reader

Summary: How the members would react to having a shy S/o

Warnings: none

A/N: Thanks to the lovely anon who requested this! I hope you like it!

Masterlist

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Jin: Jin is a rather shy person himself at first, so I think he’d be really understanding of your personality and social needs. He has a special knack tho for making those around him comfortable, so don’t be surprised when he’s suddenly got you laughing and playing along to one of his weird little games.

Yoongi: Yoongi’s rather shy himself, so I think you’d get along quite well, he understands that sometimes being around other people is just awkward. He’s a very naturally comfortable person to be around tho, so I see that helping you to open up more without feeling obligated to.

Hobi: Hobi is such a social butterfly, I think he’d be a great partner for someone who’s more shy side, kinda like how he gets along with Yoongi. He’d be great at making you feel relaxed and comfortable, but he also has his shy moments too, so he’d understand when you feel overwhelmed or need a break.

Namjoon: Joon’s very sociable and a people person, so he’d be great at helping you come out of your shell. And although he’d find your shyness really cute and endearing, he’d also take it as a bit of a challenge to find ways to help you open up more.

Jimin: Chim would find you so fucking cute! He’s pretty shy himself, so he’d understand your struggles, but I think for those same reasons, he would step up and take the lead to help you feel more comfortable(this is me w my other shy friends)

Taehyung: He’d be so sweet and patient with you, finding little ways to make you laugh and relax, wether that’s talking about your current obsession, or doing an extra silly dance or skit. Seeing you relaxed and enjoying yourself around him is his ultimate goal.

Jungkook: Jk’s pretty shy at times too, so he’d definitely be sympathetic to your nerves, but lowkey, he also kinda loves it. He’d love it if you clinged to him a bit when y’all go out together, it makes him feel tough and proud, like he’s your protector.

Taglist: @sopebubbles-replies @btsw1fe @this-must-be-my-tardis @whitefoxgirl @bethanysnow @coffeedepressionsoup @main-bangtansmauyeondan @feminympho @classicalelephant @dfqcsqueen @mother2monsters @comingupwithacoolnameishard @universal-travel-er @bo0ghol @captainorangegoose @k4ngelz

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Here's a little "nobody knows we're back together" ficlet that I definitely didn't write while avoiding the prompts in my inbox.😅🙊

---

"Buck! Where are you? I've been banging on your door for the last fifteen minutes, your neighbours are going to call the cops on me soon." Chim said when Buck finally answered his phone.

"Chim? What's going on?" He asked, still half asleep.

Two minutes ago he'd been warm and comfortable, asleep in Tommy's arms, planning on enjoying the fact neither of them had anywhere to be for the next three days, and now his brother in law was yelling at him over the phone.

"What's going on is that I'm outside your door and I need you to open up before I get arrested for disrupting the peace."

"That's not a thing." Buck mumbled as he reluctantly untangled himself from Tommy's grip and looked around for something to wear.

He put the call on speaker as he pulled a hoodie over his head and was vaguely aware of Chim telling him it was most definitely a thing while putting on a pair of sweats that may or may not be his.

"Where are you going? Come back to bed." Tommy mumbled, reaching out for him. His hair was a mess and there were pillow creases in his cheek, but Buck thought he'd never looked better.

"Someone's at the door. I'll be right back." he leaned down for a kiss and only just managed to resist the urge of letting his boyfriend pull him back into bed with him.

"Hurry back."

"Yeah, I'll get rid of him and then I'm all yours."

"I can hear you, you know." Chim's voice came through the phone. "And will you just open the damn door already?"

"I'm coming, relax." Buck mumbled and dropped a kiss in Tommy's hair before making his way down the stairs. He hoped whatever Chim's problem was, would be an easy fix and he'd be back in Tommy's arms soon.

They'd been back together for a few weeks now, after Buck had finally decided to call Tommy, and then show up on his doorstep when he hadn't answered.

They'd yelled and cried until they'd both been exhausted and collapsed into bed together for the best night's sleep either of them had had since the break up.

The next morning they'd decided to keep things to themselves for a while, to actually enjoy dating and getting to know each other without friends and family getting involved.

As far as he knew nobody suspected anything, though that could be changing soon.

Buck rubbed the sleep from his eyes and opened the door.

"Finally! Your neighbour from down the hall is this close to calling the cops on me." Chim held up his thumb and pointer finger, barely an inch apart, as he walked into the loft, followed by Jee-yun who was holding onto his other hand, looking unsure of what was going on.

"What? Which one?"

"Does it matter?"

"No I suppose not." Buck mumbled, closing the door behind Chim. "What are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? I'm here to drop off your niece, who you agreed to watch today while both me and Maddie picked up extra shifts."

"Wait, what? When did I agree to that? Why are you working an extra shift?"

"I don't know, the second child that's on its way maybe? Or the family trip to Korea we've got planned for next year? That I told you about. More than once."

"I... Uh... Yeah... Ok... Right."

And whoever you've got up there can either leave or get down here and deal with you watching your niece." Chim said, raising his voice slightly and yelling up the stairs." I heard you talking to someone so don't try the there's no-one there thing."

Buck sighed.

There was no way Chim was going to let this go. And if he was, Jee would tell him or Maddie by the time they came to pick her up.

"Babe, are you awake? Just put some clothes on and get down here a minute."

"Babe? You call your hook up babe?" Chim asked but Buck ignored him.

They heard the bed creak and there was some shuffling upstairs.

"I think I've got your sweats, just grab mine." Buck called out and did his best to ignore the looks Chim was giving him.

"You've got a guy up there? Well good for you, getting back out there after Tommy. You're not getting out of babysitting though."

Buck gave him a slight shrug and just kept watching the top of the stairs.

He could tell the exact moment Tommy came into view and Chim recognised him without even watching either of them.

Tommy slowly walked down the stairs, still half asleep, and wearing Buck's clothes. He gave Chim a half wave as he shuffled past him and over to Buck.

"Morning." he pressed a dry kiss to Buck's lips and then turned to face Chim. "Morning Howie. I hope you'll forgive me for not giving you a good morning kiss, I haven't brushed my teeth yet."

"But you will kiss me before brushing your teeth?" Buck teased and Tommy tilted his head and raised an eyebrow.

"I think we both know I've done a lot more than that without brushing my teeth and you didn't seem to mind."

Buck laughed a little but decided not to argue with him.

"When did this happen? When did you get back together? Are you back together?"

"We are." Tommy confirmed, slipping an arm around Buck's waist and sleepily resting his head on his shoulder.

"We got back together a few weeks ago but we wanted to keep it quiet for now." Buck explained. "But I guess everyone will know within the hour now."

Chim looked at them, trying to process the information, until suddenly the loud music from one of Jee's favourite shows started blaring through the loft.

Buck kind of regretted teaching her how to work his TV.

"I... You... But..." Chim stammered then focused on Tommy. "Wait... When you blew me off last week when I wanted to take you out to karaoke..."

"I had plans with Evan."

"I can't believe it." he mumbled and turned to Buck. "But you're still baking."

"We bake together. And some of the stuff I've brought in the past few weeks was store bought." Buck explained. "We just wanted to enjoy being together without everyone else getting involved. I'm just... tired of everyone telling me what to do or what I feel. I want to be with him, I love him."

Tommy lifted his head and smiled.

"I love you too." he said and the two of them shared a kiss.

"I... am happy for you guys." Chim settled on. "and you're going to tell me exactly how and when this happened." he gestured to the two of them. "But I'm running late for my shift and we need the money so..." he trailed off and quickly walked over to Jee. "Sweetheart, daddy has to go to work now, ok? You be good for your uncle Buck and uncle Tommy."

Jee nodded, barely paying attention to her father, eyes fixed on the TV screen. Chim kissed the top of her head and turned back to Buck and Tommy.

"Maddie will pick her up after her shift. She'll text you when she's on her way." he told them, making his way to the door. "You owe me a drink and a night of karaoke, Kinard."

"Sure. Text me. We'll pick a date."

"Sure. If you think you can fit me in between work and making out with my brother in law." Chim joked. "Ok I have to go. Have a good day guys, and please don't traumatise my daughter." he laughed and walked out the door, only to come back in right away. "Don't think this means you can elope when you get married. I need to see you all dressed up and standing up in front of everyone. Just so I can remind you I got you together." he paused and looked at Tommy. "Just don't give him a clipboard."

[virahaus]

Another day, another time to debunk shitty takes I see online.

I've seen a multiple of people pointing out that "we don't know anything about Tommy" and how could people ship him with Buck (nevermind that the ship is canon and always will remain so) when we know so little about him?

First of all, I'd actually make a point to say that we as of now already know more about him then all the other LI that Buck or Eddie ever had in the show.

I shall make you a list, so that you may remember it more easily:

- He likes cars and he's a good mechanic (extrapolated by the fact that Eddie explicitly said that fixed/improved his engine)

- He likes playing basketball and he's also quite competitive ("we'll make short work of them" said in reference of Buck and Chim)

- He's sarcastic (the closet line)

- His favourite film is "Love, Actually"

- He loves Monster Truck and Craft Beer, and MMA

- He has a big scar on his chest and it came from a fire in a factory

- He's a very skilled pilot, able to manoeuvre in a hurrican, and doesn't waver in the face of danger

- He likes watching and practicing Muay Thai

- He was a pilot in the army

- He only came out when he started working in Harbor, but prefers not to publicise his sexuality

- He doesn't like Bella Swan (and it's implied he might like Jacob more) and he watched the Twilight movies

- He likes to drive his friends to events

- He has friends that can get him high up tickets for shows in Vegas

- He has permission to fly airplanes for personal reasons when he's not on the clock

- He likes to be helpful and he's thoughtful (driving Eddie to check out his sprain, going to Buck's to clear out the air without prompt, immediately agreeing in helping the 118 with the whole ship operation, trying to get Buck to be at ease on their date)

- He's loyal (he didn't rat the others out when the chief called on their way to Bobby)

- He's a smooth flirt

- He can do a mean mouth static (at least in his opinion)

- He pays the bill on first dates

- He is very much the definition of carpe diem (kissing buck was very much shooting his shot)

- He checks for consent

- He kept contact with Chim ever after he left the 118

- Chim called him for help in the episode Broken

- He went to the 217 and opened the spot for Buck at the 118

- He participated in the betting pool Hen made on how long Bobby would last at the 118 captain

- He apologises when he's in the wrong and is shown to be able to correct his behaviour

- He doesn't like chickens (lol)

- He likes the film fight club and can quote it

- Implies to have dated people he met on a call

See? We know quite a lot actually. So you may get off your high horse how about that.

I don't think I missed anything but do let me know.

[burnthatbridge]

if you love him let him go (if you love him let him know) 

pre-buddie, bucktommy | T | 3k | angst, pining tommy needs to tell eddie something not on ao3 atm because i can't figure out if this is done or if i'm continuing it - please let me know your thoughts! now on ao3 because i hate not having all my fic in one place

“Can I get you another beer, man?”

Eddie checks his watch. It’s only a little after nine thirty. He’s kind of hoping to get home before Chris goes to sleep, but he’ll not be heading to bed any time soon, will likely stay up later than Eddie. Friday night means he disregards his supposed bedtime — not that he sticks to it that well on school nights, now he’s sixteen. “Sure, thanks.”

Tommy nods, disappears into the kitchen, returns a moment later with a can of IPA in one hand, a bottle of lager in the other. They’ve already finished the six-pack Eddie brought over, but trust Buck — well, Buck and Tommy — to have Eddie’s favorite beer in their fridge. Tommy hands over the can, already cracked open, and Eddie takes a sip as Tommy settles down at the opposite end of the couch. He doesn’t turn to face the TV, sits twisted towards Eddie instead, but he does pick up the remote and turn down the volume, the post-fight commentary rendered nearly unintelligible. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Eddie twists towards Tommy himself, something not-quite-anxious-but-almost flaring in his chest. Over the years they have been friends, he and Tommy have spoken about lots of things, including those not so easy to discuss: their respective experiences in the army, Tommy’s tough childhood, Eddie’s difficult parents, the hard aspects of the job. But they’ve all been topics that have come up naturally, raised organically. Tommy has never led into anything with such a pointed opener before.

Eddie studies him. He has one knee pulled up on the couch cushion, foot poking out off the end, the other foot planted on the floor, nearly parallel to the base of the couch. One arm is up on the backrest, the other relaxed, beer bottle in that hand, resting on his thigh, dripping condensation painting a charcoal ring on his — probably Buck’s, in fact, given how tight the fabric is stretched over the muscle of his leg — grey sweats. He’s not tense, but he’s not smiling, and there’s something about his expression that Eddie can’t place. It’s not that he hasn’t seen this look before, because he’s pretty sure he has, witnessed it in flickers across numerous occasions over the years, there and then gone, present for but a heartbeat. But he’d never known what it meant any of those times and he certainly doesn’t now.

“'Course,” Eddie says, when Tommy doesn’t go on, seems to be waiting for some kind of sign. Then adds, feeling like it’s necessary given the gravity he can feel pulling this lightsome evening down to something more serious.  “Anything.”

Tommy sighs, bites his lip like he doesn’t want to speak, even though he’s the one who said he wanted to talk, then shakes his head and takes a pull of his beer.

“Is everything okay?” Eddie’s starting to feel worried now. He mentally scans back over the past few weeks, trying to remember if Tommy has mentioned anything about work that could be a problem. He saw him at basketball last week, and nothing had seemed off. Plus, Buck hasn’t said anything. Not that he’d necessarily tell Eddie about an issue Tommy was having, not if Tommy wanted it kept private, but Eddie can usually tell when Buck’s concerned about someone, and he hasn’t picked up on anything, not at all. 

But maybe this isn’t about a problem Tommy is having. Maybe this is a Buck problem, something Buck has kept from Eddie. It would make sense why Tommy would bring it up with him; sometimes a concerted, multi-person effort is the only way to get through to Buck. And Tommy’s more likely to bring in Eddie first, and then expand the team to include Maddie, Chim, more, as needed. 

“Is Buck okay?” Eddie asks, something like panic constricting his throat, making the words come out a little strangled. 

Tommy actually laughs at that, a small, choked thing, an exhale of sound and air. He shakes his head again, but not a no. More like an extension of the laugh, a motion to accompany it, to better convey the disbelief — not humor — contained in it. “He’s fine.”

It’s a relief to hear. Buck had seemed physically okay, when Eddie had seen him briefly before he left the house, since he’d maybe purposefully waited to order his Uber until Buck pulled up in his jeep outside, despite Christopher’s insistence he didn’t need to wait for Buck to arrive, despite the fact that his kid is more than old enough to be left in the house alone for the twenty minutes it would have taken Buck to drive over, while Eddie was ferried the opposite way. But there could still have been something, Buck could have been fighting through pain, much better at hiding any hurt of his body than he is at masking his emotional distress. 

“But,” Tommy says, and that one word is enough to have Eddie’s muscles tightening once more, “It is Evan I wanted to talk about.”

Again, Tommy doesn’t follow it up with anything. Eddie has found, in their time as friends, that Tommy is not often a man lost for words. Quite the opposite, in fact. He usually says what he means, means what he says, and is an expert at listening and delivering sage advice. This reticence– it doesn’t feel like it bodes well, has the hair on the back of Eddie’s neck prickling.

“Alright,” Eddie says, a feeble prompt. “So, Buck?”

Tommy nods, like he’s gearing himself up for something, to face a challenge, to take a punch. Eddie is expecting something bad, so the words he says catch him even more off guard than they would have. “I want to ask Evan to marry me.”

Maybe if Tommy had seemed eager, excited, when he turned to him, Eddie could have anticipated the blow, could have felt a creeping suspicion this is where Tommy was headed, could have been provided with enough of a heads-up to brace himself. As it is, he doesn’t see the hit coming, takes it full force to the chest, so hard it steals his breath, knocks the wind from him. His mouth goes slack, and he feels his fingers slide against the slippery sides of his beer can, almost spills it over Tommy and Buck’s lounge carpet before he gets a hold on it, on himself. He forces himself to smile. “That’s– that’s great,” he makes himself say, only faintly aware that Tommy isn’t smiling back, like this moment should call for. “Did you–” he swallows around the bile climbing his esophagus, “Do you want help planning the proposal?” He wishes he could take the words back the second they’re out. Because this — just hearing that Tommy wants to ask Buck — is torture enough. To be involved with it, to help enable it, Eddie will be lucky if it doesn’t kill him. Maybe not his body, but certainly his soul. 

“No.” Tommy shakes his head. “No, I want to ask him to marry me. But I’m not going to. At least, not now.”

Eddie squints at him. The news that Tommy wants to marry Buck might hurt Eddie, but it’s not exactly surprising. Eddie’s seen how much Tommy cares for him in the years they’ve been together, has seen the way he looks at him, the way they look at each other. Has felt the way it burns him, the scorching heat of flame, the searing cold of ice. He doesn’t understand what Tommy is saying, doesn’t understand why this proclamation seems not to be a happy one. “Why not?” Eddie asks, almost grateful for the opportunity to present confusion, curiosity, rather than forced pleasure at the thought of one of his closest friends and his– best friend marrying each other. “You guys are serious. I mean, you live together.”

Tommy huffs another laugh, still more disbelief than humor, really the opposite of humor. “His lease was up.”

“Right. But he chose not to renew it. He chose to move in with you,” Eddie says, slow, struggling to understand, the pounding of his pulse not helping him think clearly, see through the puzzle that is everything Tommy has said so far and the way he has said it. 

“He was never going to renew it,” Tommy tells him.

And that’s– that’s something Eddie didn’t know. He hates it when he learns information about Buck from Tommy, always has, even though he fights with everything in him not to feel like that. Tommy is Buck’s boyfriend, of course he’s going to know things about him that Eddie doesn’t, know him in a way that Eddie doesn’t. 

“We hadn’t spoken about living together,” Tommy says, eyes on Eddie. “But he’d said he thought the loft was too expensive and he was spending nearly every night at mine by that point. When he wasn’t on shift. Or at yours.” Eddie pulls his eyes away, takes a sip from his beer for something to do, even though the bitter taste is turning his stomach. “He said he wasn’t going to renew it, that he’d look for somewhere new, cheaper. But this was too close to the end of his lease to find a place before he had to move out. I asked where he was going to stay in the meantime.”

“And he said with you,” Eddie guesses, more a statement than a question.

But Tommy shakes his head. A smile curls his lips but his eyes– his eyes don’t match. “He said he’d crash on your couch, actually.”

Eddie takes another mouthful of beer, holds it there, on the back of his tongue. He didn’t know any of this. Buck would, of course, have been more than welcome. Likely why he hadn’t asked in advance, why he planned for it without seeking permission. 

“I said he could stay with me, instead. That he’d be able to sleep in a bed here.” Eddie swallows, the beer somehow thick and cloying in a way that it shouldn’t be. “And then when he started making noises about looking for a new place, I told him he should stay.”

While it’s not how Eddie had, unwillingly, pictured it in his head — Tommy and Buck mutually agreeing that Buck shouldn’t renew his lease, deciding they wanted to live together — it still doesn’t explain what Tommy has said. “And he did stay,” Eddie says. “So, why aren’t– Does Buck not want to get married?” But that can’t be it, that can’t be right. Eddie is certain Buck does want to be married, only he’d tried hard not to think of Buck wanting that with Tommy, with anyone. Anyone else. 

“No, he does,” Tommy confirms it. He leans over and deposits his beer on the coffee table. Then sits back, still turned to Eddie, but arms crossed over his chest, like a protection of himself. “We’ve spoken about it, discussed it. And he’s told me he’s always wanted that, to get married, to be part of a family.” Tommy pops one hand out of the fold of his arms to hold it up, out, quelling, like Eddie has protested. He hasn’t, but his heart is doing something approximating a riot at the idea of Tommy being Buck’s family. “And I know he has a family. He knows he does. In you and Chris, in Maddie and Jee, in the 118. But–” Tommy breaks off, tips his head to the side, gaze boring into Eddie’s face so strong that Eddie wishes he could turn away, duck and run. “You know how much he’s always wanted to belong somewhere.”

He does, Eddie thinks, the thought almost violent in its intensity. He belongs with me. Except, he doesn’t. Not really, not how Eddie wants, not the way he does with Tommy.

“And I want that for him,” Tommy goes on, tucking his hand back in, squeezing his arms tighter about himself. Eddie’s never seen him like this, hunched in on himself, curled small. Tommy is usually so open, larger than life. “I want to be the one to give that to him.”

Eddie wants to be the one to give that to him. Desires it desperately, a secret need he’s tucked as far inside himself as he can. He can feel it now, raging to be let out, to be set free. But he can’t, he won’t. Buck is with Tommy, he’s happy with Tommy. Tommy who is so warm and kind and good, Tommy who is better than Eddie in every conceivable way, who brings so much to Buck’s life, who gives all of himself to Buck. Who wants to give him even more. Wants to, but apparently won’t.

Eddie doesn’t understand. “Then, if you want to, why won’t you ask him?” he questions, trying to. 

“If I ask him now, he’ll say no.” Tommy states it like indisputable fact, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world that Buck would refuse him. 

Eddie shakes his head, understanding even less. “But he loves you.”

Tommy smiles again, then, larger than he had before, but as devoid of happiness, as empty of cheer. This smile hurts to see, reflects the way Eddie felt inside when Tommy had said I want to ask Evan to marry me. “I know he does.” Tommy’s tone is sure, but wistful. “But he loves you more.”

It’s like– It’s like nothing Eddie has ever felt. Or maybe it’s like everything he’s ever felt. The shock of a residual lightning bolt, the joy of being a part of the 118, the pain of a bullet ripping through his shoulder, the awe of holding his son for the first time. Eddie wants Tommy’s words to be true maybe more than he’s ever wanted anything. But he also cannot believe them, has no trust that they are true. Because they can’t be. Buck loves Tommy. Not Eddie. 

“We’re friends. Best friends,” Eddie points out. “Of course, he– he loves me. But not more. Not like he loves you. He’s in love with you.”

Tommy sighs, arms uncrossing, palms coming to rest on his thighs, body taking on a posture Eddie is familiar with, the one he falls into when he’s talking someone through something, the one he adopted when Eddie came out to him some six months ago. “Eddie, he’s in love with you.”

Eddie shakes his head. It’s everything he’s ever wanted to hear, but coming from the wrong lips. Spoken by not by Buck himself but by Buck’s boyfriend, oh god. “He isn’t. Tommy, he can’t be.” 

But Tommy is nodding, nodding like what he’s said is true, like he wants Eddie to believe it. 

“He’s not,” Eddie says, hears the denial, the disbelief spill from him. Buck doesn’t love him. He doesn’t. But Eddie– Eddie loves– “I’m sorry,” Eddie says, almost a gasp. “Tommy, I’m sorry, I–”

“It’s not your fault,” Tommy cuts him off. “I knew what I was getting into. When I started seeing Evan, I knew there were going to be three people in this relationship. I just–” Tommy sighs again, scrubs his palms along his thighs. “I didn’t expect it to get this far. I thought we’d just be a fun, easy thing. Something to ease Evan into his sexuality, that new part of himself. I didn’t expect it to go like this. I didn’t expect to feel like this.” Tommy closes his eyes, lashes falling to his cheeks. He breaths in and out, while Eddie’s own breath is caught in his chest. When Tommy opens his eyes, he says, “But I don’t have to tell you how easy it is to love him.”

Fuck. Tommy knows. Because Eddie does. He loves Buck, loves him so endlessly he doesn’t know where the feeling starts and where it ends. Doesn’t know when it started; doesn’t think it will ever end. “I’m sorry,” Eddie whispers, needing to say the words again, needing Tommy — his friend — to hear them. 

Tommy lifts one palm from his thigh, his wrist pressing into the muscle as he cuts his fingers to the side in a dismissal. “Don’t apologize for it. I’m certainly not going to. I’m never going to be sorry for loving him.” He drops his hand back down, pats his leg, emphasis of the point. “But it is a problem.” He smiles, rueful. “I thought I’d be able to break up with him, if he didn’t break up with me. I should have, ages ago. I certainly should have when you came out.” 

Eddie, selfishly, had hoped Buck would break up with Tommy then. But it had seemed like a farfetched fantasy. He had told Buck he was queer after Buck had already moved in with Tommy. He’d admitted it to himself, to Frank, before that, but hadn’t told anyone else for weeks. In hindsight, sometimes he figures he’d left it too late, but most of the time he didn’t think it would have made a difference at all. But now, with what Tommy has told him, maybe it would have. It’s a knife sliding between Eddie’s ribs to think maybe. Maybe.

“But I didn’t.” Tommy looks resigned, shoulders drooping. 

“Why are you telling me this?” Eddie needs to know. It seems like Tommy has known for years that Eddie has loved Buck. Loves Buck. I knew there were going to be three people in this relationship. So why is he only bringing it up now?

“Because I didn’t. Because I can’t. I can’t break up with him. But I want to move forward. And I want to do so with him, for us to further our life together. But if I ask him to marry me when he doesn’t know for sure that you’re not an option, he’ll say no.”

Fear freezes Eddie’s insides. “So, what– what are you asking me to do?” Because Tommy is asking something of Eddie, wants something. Something Eddie fears he will have to make himself give.

Tommy straightens up, shoulders rolling back. He’s serious, solemn but not demanding or pleading when he says it. A devastating request. “I’m asking you, as my friend, to let him go.”

Eddie could be sick, he thinks, could vomit up the three and a quarter beers and the half a dozen chicken wings he’s consumed since he got to Tommy and Buck’s place. Could spill the mess of his insides up all over himself, all over Tommy, all over their lives. Tommy is his friend, was his friend before he was ever Buck’s boyfriend. Eddie should do this thing for him. Should give Buck his blessing to marry Tommy, give Buck up, give him over, completely, to this man who has loved him so well for the past three years. Eddie should; in his gut he knows it would be the right thing to do. But his heart– his heart is in revolt. It’s Buck. He loves him. How can he ever let him go?

Tommy leans forward, places a hand on Eddie’s leg, squeezes his fingers around the ball of his kneecap, until Eddie lifts his gaze and meets his eyes. “Or,” he says, somehow even more serious, “I am telling you, as your friend, to go and get him.”

[diazsdimples]

Tommy can remember the day he knew he was going to kill Vincent Gerrard. Or, not kill exactly, but do some serious, irreparable damage to him. He'd kind of figured this day would come, if the way he felt like ripping the old man's mustache right off his face whenever Buck came home upset was anything to go by. He just didn't think it would happen quite so soon. He's held Buck plenty of times after rough shifts, where Gerrard would make him man behind for no other reason than "I want this place clean and perfectly organized. That's what you people do, isn't it?". He's heard enough stories from Eddie, and Hen, and Chim, about the abuse they were all getting but how most of Gerrard's hellfire seemed directed towards Buck.

But nothing could prepare him for the fury he felt when that day arrived.

He'd gotten a text from Eddie, a short and simple "he needs you", and he'd been in his car in a flash. The whole drive he'd been worrying, not sure what he'd be arriving to.

When he gets there, he knows it’s bad. Hen and Chimney are locked in a furious screaming match with Gerrard, their faces all varying shades of puce, and it looks like Hen's about to punch Gerrard in the nose, based off the hand Chimney has wrapped tightly around her wrist.

He spots Eddie and Buck immediately; they're in the locker room and Eddie has his arm around Buck's shoulders. When he looks up and locks eyes with Tommy, he can see the flames of rage licking behind Eddie's eyes. Buck's got his face in his hands, and his shoulders are shaking in a way that tells Tommy that he's crying. Tommy's across the station in 3 quick strides, dropping to his knees in front of Buck and taking his face in his hands, stroking his thumbs over his cheekbones.

"What the hell happened?" he asks Eddie, because Buck's not in any shape to breathe right now, let alone talk.

Eddie doesn't reply immediately, but his jaw ticks and he looks like he's carefully picking his words. Just as he's about to speak, Buck's voice, quiet and broken, cuts through the silence.

"He made me watch."

Tommy's brow furrows in confusion, and a ball of dread settles in the pit of his stomach. Buck swallows convulsively and even Eddie looks like he might throw up. It's bad.

"Watch what?" Tommy asks carefully. He doesn't want to push it, not if Buck isn't up to speaking, but he needs to know.

Eddie speaks up first, and his voice is shaky too.

"We were called to a massive haemorrhage at the Pride Event in West Hollywood. A man and his husband had been attacked by one of those bible bashers that stand there and tell everyone they're going to hell. A bystander said they'd been arguing with him and he pulled a knife. Got the first guy in the stomach, second just above his heart. There was nothing we could do."

Buck takes a deep breath, a whine issuing from the back of his throat. Tommy puts a hand around the back of his neck and rubs soothing circles just below his hairline.

"He made me watch," Buck repeats again, a little louder this time, and Tommy's heart clenches cause he knows, he fucking knows what Buck is going to say next. "He said "ride with Wilson, Buckley. This is a good opportunity for you to increase your medic skills." He knew they weren't going to survive but he made me...." Buck trails off, unable to finish his sentence, and Tommy's vision goes red. He's never hated anyone more than he hates Gerrard right now.

That is, until Buck finishes his sentence.

"He said "you might learn something valuable," but he wasn't talking about the job."

Buck's fists are clenched so tight his knuckles are white, and there's blood under his fingernails. Eddie's got a fistful of Buck's shirt clenched tightly in his fist and he looks like he's doing all he can to not run upstairs and tear Gerrard limb from limb.

There's a ringing in Tommy's ears and everything sounds kind of muffled, like his head is underwater. He's clutching the back of Buck's neck so hard that it's got to be painful, but he can't make himself let go.

When he left the military, Tommy made a vow that he would never take another man's life. But for this - for Gerrard - for what he did to Buck, the light of Tommy's life, he might just make an exception.

[canichangemyblogname]

Actually, no. The shippers in the 911 fandom who primarily complain about Tommy and his past don't actually care about Tommy's past or his actions that contributed to the previous toxic workplace environment and harassment at the 118. Not everything is about a fucking ship, believe it or not, yet the only time they bring up his behavior is in relation to shipping. And because the only time they bring up a valid critique of Tommy's character is during shipping "discourse," I'm convinced it's not brought forth in good faith. Finding a way to tie everything to a ship—especially things like racism and misogyny—is cheap and tasteless. Not everything is about "shipping;" shut up about the shipping.

I don't think they actually want to discuss how white queers contribute to the marginalization of others, including other queer people, by weaponizing the patriarchy and/or white supremacy in their favor because so many of them are fellow white queers themselves. They don't care about how Tommy inadvertently, because of his past, provides a realistic portrayal of how white queers divide or hurt the larger community because of an inability to find solidarity with people of a different background, culture, or race (especially if it would "inconvenience" them or if it does not directly benefit them, like Chim saving Tommy's life). White people would rather choose misery and isolation over standing with or up for non-white people. White people are generally not willing to put in the work to build community; they'd rather contribute to the system or fly under the radar to avoid being shunned by the structures they, and the Ol' Boys Club, benefit from, like white supremacy or the patriarchy. Most white queers would rather be complaisant, complacent, and complicit. It's the white queer's adherence to oppressive systems that divide the community, not people's calls to tear those systems down. And it's only the white queer who can change their perspective on this.

Tommy only has himself to blame for his jealousy and alienation from a supportive and familial community, and only he can take the steps to ameliorate the situation. Tommy was an absolute fucking dick to Chim and Hen, and that has had long-term consequences on his life. Only he can correct for his behavior. He contributed to a toxic work environment, referring to Chim as a Chinese takeout delivery man, actively participating in Chim's hazing, and telling Chim that he did not like the man (mostly because he didn't know him). He would later call Hen "bitchy," and the men of the 118 would leave the "domestic work" to her as they did Chim, actively contributing to her hazing. He did not (verbally) stand up for her, iced her out, and also contributed to a homophobic work culture that made same-sex attraction the butt of jokes. He contributed to this toxic culture to fly under the radar, and that directly hurt people he should have extended a hand to.

Unfortunately for most of the fandom, this is, ultimately, a show that loves stories about redemption and resolution. And there is actual, explicit (meaning, non-subtextual) evidence that Tommy has put in some work to remedy what he did and who he was (including being able to 1.] own up to his past actions, 2.] understand how he hurt others, 3.] recognize why he did what he did and how that it is an explanation, not an excuse, and 4.] begin to make amends or rectify the situation, like reporting Gerrard and changing his mind about Hen and Chim). Hen and Chim would not have invited him for drinks regularly if they thought he was "irredeemable." The 118 would not have thrown him a going away party if they disliked him. Chim would not call in favors from Tommy on more than one occasion or even describe him as "so cool" if they weren't—well—cool. Eddie wouldn't enjoy ring-side fights and basketball games with Tommy if he didn't enjoy the man's company. Tommy also clearly refers to the type of man he was in the past tense, implying change over time. It can be argued that he has not put in enough work, but that's not what's being argued. We're getting bad faith arguments that Hen, Chim, and Eddie hate Tommy or bad faith arguments where Tommy's past actions are only brought forth as some sort of "gotcha" when a fan prefers canon representation over homophobic fan fiction tropes. You don't have to like Tommy, but making up non-textual reasons to dislike him is absurd.

Tommy, as a character in a narrative, provides a lesson for the general audience (GA), the majority of whom are white. It's not just important to see queer people on screen; it's important to see white people learn and change and admit they were wrong. It's also important that the show—well—shows the GA that whiteness and man-ness affect people's perception, position, and treatment. Tommy isn't just a gay man; he is a white gay man, and this has had a direct impact on how he navigates the world and how the world interacts with him. Gerrard treats men like Sal and Tommy differently than men like Chim or women like Hen, and staying in Gerrard's good graces—like the good graces of oppressive power structures—requires one to conform to a very narrow definition of a "real man," like being straight, white, palatable (like... not kinky, not risqué, not queer, all the things the fandom seems to actually hate Tommy for), and not helping oust regressive figures from positions of authority for the way they treat your coworkers. The audience got to see how Tommy went from being the prodigal son to being openly mocked by men like Gerrard. And it's important to show the GA that someone can and will be happier if they go against the grain and that admiration from men like Gerrard means very little in the grand scheme. Tommy is happier now after having been "rebuked" by men like Gerrard than he was when he strove for their praise and acceptance.

It's also important to show that men like Gerrard and his beliefs belong in the past, even though they exist in the present. This is a network TV show. A non-zero number of men like Gerrard catch this show weekly. It is still important to show that Gerrard is not the "type" of man anyone should aspire to be. His beliefs and actions are not commendable, and the show is very heavy-handed about this. The show is going to once again compare Gerrard ("bad captain") and Bobby ("good captain") to show how Bobby has created a good legacy at the 118. It began this parallel with Bobby Begins Again, continued to reinforce Bobby's good legacy in Buck's coma arc, and then revisited how Bobby has had a positive influence on the lives of the 118 in his season 7 montage. Now, the show is going to compare and contrast him and Gerrard to reinforce how important Bobby is to those around him. The show will also continue its inadvertent parallels between Buck and Tommy, showing how Buck is a different man under similar circumstances because he has had good influences (re: Bobby, Hen, and Chim) in his life. Buck and Eddie's relationship was shaping up to be very similar to Tommy and Chim's relationship: oppositional because of one-sided disregard and dislike, but it didn't because they had a good influence: Bobby (given the rather... fucked timeline, Tommy was likely newer to the 118 when Chim joined and, like Buck, his hostility and posturing were also likely influenced by insecurity and a desire to secure his position at the table).

Most unfortunately for many, the show is also going to show how Tommy has changed due to the same influences (re: Bobby, Hen, and Chim). They wouldn't have re-introduced both Tommy and Gerrard and mentioned their dynamic on more than one occasion if they weren't going to do something with that. Season 7 set up Tommy's upcoming arc very nicely. He knows the man he was, he knows the man who shaped him into that, and he knows how and why that was wrong. We'll get Tommy confronting his obvious daddy issues, jealousy, and desire for community (and why he didn't get a family-like dynamic at the 118, re: Gerrard *and* Tommy's own behavior). Tommy has been explicit about this, literally telling Buck that he envies the relationship the people at the 118 have and mentioning that he was not a good person, and this played a part in why he didn't have the same rapport.

9-1-1 is not a perfect show, but it does reflect some of the positive changes of our time. It's important to see representations of comp-het—like Buck, Tommy, and Michael—and how it negatively impacts people's character or relationships, and then how they—the character—can amend that. It's important to see stories that depict how silence is complicity and how refusing to be silent—as Hen refused to be—makes change and changes minds. It's important that the show reminds the audience that Hen is a black lesbian and that this has impacted how people see her and treat her, but that she is just as capable, if not more so. This includes men like Chim. Because I see nearly none of the people who "critique" Tommy in the name of "shipping" ever bring up how Chim has leaned on the patriarchy for support and a position at the table. He may have been the kindest to Hen, but he was by no means normal about women. And it is important to see how non-white men benefit from the patriarchy even as they are victimized by white supremacy. It's also important that the show shows the GA that non-white men are not affected by white supremacy equally, as Michael and Harry have had discussions about blackness and police brutality, a conversation that Chim is never going to have to have with his children, but that doesn't mean that Chim won't have to one day have a discussion with Jee-Yun about how and why some people treat her differently.

But the fandom approaches everything in a very... Catholic way. They don't approach this from the view that people can change and should be pushed to change; rather, they shun people like they've been marked by original sin. The structures we live under have deeply affected each and every one of our worldviews. "You are not immune to the propaganda" includes your personal philosophies and ideologies as well as the things you were taught since you were a child, consciously and "subconsciously." But, people would rather condemn everyone else as "irredeemable" than look critically at their own behavior out of fear of being "one of the bad ones." They'd rather *not* accept the fact that everyone has learning and changing to do as that would reflect upon them, too. This leads to being very resistant to being told that you're mistaken, you've hurt others, or that your behavior and beliefs contribute to repressive, dangerous, or toxic ideas (and we've seen a lot of that; y'all do not create safe online spaces). This leads to a lack of personal change as well as a lack of change at the interpersonal level because rather than teach or challenge, they stick up their nose and turn the other way. "Their barbaric bigotry; my enlightened neglect."

So, really, they've learned nothing from a character like Tommy.