#there was a theme/point to the first movie that was centered around mental health

[witchrotdraws]

the Joker sequel being a musical didn't worry me all that much until the "singing" in question was just mumbling and half dancing around for a few seconds mid scene. they didn't even try.

[finsterhund]

Fuck man.

So I did eventually end up returning to watching We're All Going To The World's Fair and skipped past the scene that had the big trigger but it's still a doozy of a movie to process. Jesus Christ.

Maybe I'm just still shaken up over that but I am thinking. I am thinking with my mind.

This film is essentially a horror narrative centered around how gen Z, my generation, as neglected preteens with unrestricted access to an at this point now actively predatory and manipulative social media based internet, can devolve into harmful coping mechanisms, destructive tendencies, normalization of neurosis, and evidently have an almost infinite amount of ways to get ourselves hurt. This probably applies to millennials who grew up with the internet too but I noticed this movie is very prominently leaning towards the way it is for zoomers. The base story is that a creepypasta "ritualpasta" (challenge game) called "the world's fair" is something that goes viral for kids to do and document the supposed "paranormal changes" they experience from it. The reality of the game and whether it's all just psychosomatic or a scam is up for debate but the impact it has on vulnerable youth definitely isn't.

The main character is very apparently at least to me, either played by someone who is, or was intentionally played to be, neurodivergent and much of Casey's mannerisms, traits, the way mania fronts in particular, etc. are very similar to myself which adds to the relatability of the base concept and really made me queasy watching.

There's also ambiguous themes of potential grooming(?????) I got the impression the adult character had his own kid die from this or had some severe delusions surrounding the game and he was trying to help but he comes off as behaving somewhat predatory regardless of interpretation. Much of his behaviors are similar to common online grooming behaviors.

This movie really fucking made me think about shit and I got very uncomfortable.

Not to immediately just go back to thinking about Skinamarink but... I think it's pretty easy to interpret that movie as horror-izing thoughts of childhood neglect. And how they differ. Skinamarink if interpreted as being about abuse neglect is about toddler years and being left to fend for yourself, dealing with basal fear instincts when you're just starting to learn how to be your own guardian in the first place. The first sparks of independence. While We're all Going to the world's fair is about the teenage years of neglect. It's less basal. It's more complicated. There's a level of perceived invincibility. There's a level of forced responsibility that is placed on one's shoulders because adults no longer see you as a child but won't give you the autonomy they give to adults.

And with Skinamarink I can joke and I can take the scene where a voice in the dark tells Kevin about the knife and parrot it back into being about getting crushed under a falling dresser or getting my finger stuck in a mechanical toy or almost eating bleach powder or splitting my head open on concrete. Because I've grown in my mental health recovery and have an understanding of who I am as a person and what it means to be me on that basal toddler level. I'm at a point of recovery where I've gotten a handle on that. (For the most part. I deal with regression at times obviously if you've known me for a while you can attest.) So this is something I have learned how to use humor to cope with. When I look back and say "man that's fucked up" it's from a place of "I'm not in that headspace now. I'm bigger and stronger. I have overcome"

But not the teenage years. I have made no progress compartmentalizing and unpacking that can of worms. Maybe it could be said I am more selfaware. And that's really made me realize that yeah, I have comparatively made nowhere near the recovery and emotional maturity towards processing and overcoming the neglect and abuse in my preteen to teenage years. I do not have the capacity to process those feelings in any way that's constructive and healing at this point. Not the emotional maturity or depth. I put up walls and that's "good enough" but without the walls I get panicked and anxious. At that point construction of the self becomes so much more complicated. And the self construct is something I struggle greatly with as is.

And that's really made me uncomfortable. I know that finding this out is beneficial but I'm scared to even think about that. Most of those years are extremely repressed. It's a fucking mess. I will break down if exposed to this.

God.

There needs to be better groups and support networks for children in this world. So many legal guardians do a shit fucking job and never have to answer for it when it's permanently altered the minds and destiny path of someone who had no choice in the matter. This can lead us down some dark paths that not all of us will end up living through by the end. I've lost friends that way. I try not to think about that either. I can't accept that kids who I was close to during the transition from elementary to middle to high school aren't alive anymore. It's cruel. There's survivors guilt. I wonder why I didn't go through the same. And I dwell on things.

Gonna try to calm down. I generally am fine with horror movies so I wasn't expecting this reaction from watching a movie. But then again the stuff I've desensitized myself to on purpose is not this sort of topic. It's the more basal fears. I can watch a slasher flick no problem. It's easier to desensitize yourself to basal fears.

Should book another appointment with my psychiatrist and therapist. 😢 It's long overdue for both but grieving has gotten in the way of everything else. My doctor is on holiday for around when I'm supposed to be in for my surgery also.

I'd like to hope I'm smarter and better and more functional and a good person when compared to my teenage years. Much to think about.

I want to try to think of something else though. Not ready to be introspective about this. Not ready to challenge.

[luxshine]

Moon Knight Primer Part 12

Moon Knight (2016) #6-9

Prologue, Part I, Part II, Part III, Part IV, Part V, Part VI, Part VII, Part VIII, Part IX, Part X, Part XI

For this part, I’m going to do 6 to 9 in one go, because while the issues are gorgeous and I want to show you as much art as I can? Action-wise they’re very confusing if you are not actually reading it, and thematic wise it’s one full block of characterization.  

Because see, this is the part of the Lemire arc where we get to really know each alter in their own mind-world (yes, we’re STILL in the mind world. So we’re still seeing everyone as Steven/Jake/Captain Spector see them, not as they really are (And yes, I said Captain Spector and not Marc. After 5 issues of being front and center, in every sense of the way, OUR Marc takes a bit of a step back). And it’s very interesting to see how each mindscape changes and moves. Also, this is the part where Lemire admits that he was heavily influenced by David Lynch. You know, Twin Peaks’ David Lynch? Yeah, no wonder this is a tripy run.

So yeah, instead of going through the action, I am going to go with each Alter’s world individually, dissecting each block by block, until we get to the big moment at the end of issue  8.

First this time around we have of course, big Hollywood Producer Steven Grant, whose reality is drawn by Wilfredo Torres, having a little bit of a crisis. See, he accepted Kevin Feige’s proposal to produce the Moon Knight movie, but production has been a bit of a nightmare between the director who wants a very cliched action movie, the diva main actor who plays Moon Knight, Marc Spector, and well, everything except his girlfriend Marlene’s performance as Stained Glass Scarlet who for some unknown reason is now Moon Knight’s love interest.

Interestingly, despite the fact that, again, Moon Knight has faced VERY FEW other Egyptian gods? The movie has him against Seth. And, the only reason why Steven accepted producing the movie? Was because he wanted to use the Superhero genre to explore themes like Identity and Mental Illness.

YES. Lemire PREDICTED the Disney + series way back in 2017!

And Steven has a very vested interest in the Mental Health part. He even has a fundraiser at Mercy Hospital, in part to promote the film, in part to help patients. But he keeps losing time, seeing himself as other people. And more importantly? According to Marlene? He IS Medicated, he spent a long time in his youth at Mercy Hospital. And he needs to keep up with taking his pills no matter what.  Also, interestingly? Steven recalls what happens when reality shifts to Jake, more or less, but he doesn’t recognize, for example, Crawley, as he calls him “an old man”.

But little by little, reality starts blurring around him. Things we, as the reader will see as the reality of Jake? Become scenes in the movie once Steven starts directing. And we see his confusion as his point of view of consciousness change, from Steven, now directing the scene, to Jake, the real Jake living the scene, not Marc acting as Jake. By the way? Once Steven decides he wants to direct the movie? Marc stops being an actor diva, and instead tries very hard to please Steven… which reflects their early runs interactions, where Steven was the man Marc wanted to be.

As the realities start to blur, the production company seems very insistent on Steven forgetting the fantasy world -while pointing out how unreal or stupid the plot of the movie is.

The next alter we met (remember, in the comic, the narrative changes from one to another quite often, but I am just putting them all together to talk about each in their own section) Jake Lockley, again drawn by Fransesco Francavilla. The FIRST switch, by the way, is done in the way of the old comics, in a way. Steven and Marlene get into a taxi, the Taxi driver and Steven’s eyes meet in the rearview mirror, and the narration begins “Steven Grant is too Soft for what comes next…” and we change the page and we’re deep in Jake’s world with the following phrase “…so I leave him back at the mansion and hit the streets as Jake Lockley”

Jake is aware that he is part of a system, and that he is Moon Knight. However, much to Crawley’s dismay, he doesn’t remember the events of their escape from the Hospital. This points out that Jake’s reality, of all of them, is the one closest to the surface of the inner world: it is also one without panel borders. All the division is made by the gutters alone, which, we have established, means that we’re outside reality. The panels only come back when Crawley disappears, making clear that Crawley is part of the key to solve the mystery. It doesn’t make him real, but it’s the part of Jake’s brain that tries to make him see the truth.

Jake’s reality is also the one that suffers the most bleed. It seems at time that Jake blinks, and he sees allies disappear, his world change, and then come back into focus.  But on those lost moments -intercepted with Captain Spector’s reality- he finds himself face to face with the bodies of Jean Paul, dead in an accident with the cab, and later with Gena, and all her clients, completely massacred by an unseen assailant.

Of course, Jake is accused of murdering his friends, and ends up in the police station being interrogated by our favorite nurse jackal orderlies, Bobby and Billy (and here’s where we really see how much Billy looks like Det. Flint), under the orders of Det. Emmet.  Once again, when she comes up? Panel borders go away. Especially as she pulls out the Moon Knight costume that they found in his taxi, and tells him that he can call a lawyer as much as he wants, he won’t get one until she says so. (Yes, THIS is where we get the canon confirmation that Matt Murdock is Jake’s lawyer. Funny, given how the last time Jake and Matt met? Matt was under the influence of an evil demon and head of a death ninja cult.)

Upon being interrogated, Jake claims that the costume is not part of any delusion, and it’s the only thing that keeps him… not sane but… something? Because when Det. Emmet tries to say that it keeps him sane, he immediately says no, but refuses to elaborate. He says he knows he’s sick, but he also knows he’s not a killer. After a small cut to Steven’s reality, Jake puts on the Moon Knight costume and looks for Crawley, who is absolutely DONE with this song and dance.

It's here, in the conversations between Crawley and Jake that we see that Lemire GETS it. To Marc? Crawley was a patient mentor, talking sometimes in riddles, letting Marc find his own path forward. But to JAKE? Crawley was a friend and an EQUAL. So here, Crawley is not pulling punches. He GAVE his soul for the System, and the System went, fucked up, and ended up back in the hospital (Crawley’s exact words), going in circles within his own mind. But even if from Jake’s point of view this is insane Jake hasn’t even BEEN inside the hospital, his reality are the streets of New York and his taxi; he trusts Crawley without any doubts and goes where the old man points him to. And this leads him back to that moment when all of their realities break and bend together, until not even the reader knows what is real and what isn’t. (Well, if you’ve been reading this? You know nothing is)

Finally we get to Captain Spector, and his sci-fi futuristic reality, drawn by James Stokoe.

I find Captain Spector’s reality the most fascinating because it is Lemire’s exclusive. We had never seen this particular Alter before, and we will never see him again, at least in the currently published issues. He is a fighter in a losing war, between the last remnants of mankind hidden on the Moon, and the Space Wolves, alien werewolves, who invaded Earth infecting everyone they could.

The only recurring ally Captain Marc has? Frenchie. Jean Paul Duchamp himself, who is his second pilot in his fighter.

So yeah, he is obviously a more PG friendly version of Marc Spector, Soldier of Fortune.

Here Captain Spector is still part of the Army, but rather than killing other humans, soldiers who may also think they’re in the right side of the argument, Marc and Frenchie, Moon Knight One, are the ones who are the last defense for all of mankind. And of course, it’s a losing fight. The Space Wolves are too numerous, and at one point, their leader, Lupinar, manages to bite Captain Spector, dooming him to become a werewolf if he doesn’t find the antidote soon.

And you see it right? A soldier, in a war, fighting hard not to become a monster like the ones he’s fighting, bitten in the neck, in the same way that Marlene’s father was killed.

Captain Marc is, in many ways, an attempt by Marc’s mind to rewrite his violent history in the war, in a more… palatable way.

The violent switches between their realities, where they all are being pushed to look for someone, to cross more and more doors, continue until they finally cross one last door, looking for Marlene, and instead meet face to face with each other,  but also the man who was waiting for them: Marc Spector, still dressed as Mr. Knight, still with the bandage he was wearing when he “died”. And once again, we lose all panel borders. We’re back on the innerworld… the one we never actually left, the one drawn by the amazing Greg Smallwood.

And Marc tells them that he has been waiting for them, as they need to talk.

And here I give a Trigger Warning. Issue 9 deals with the subject of integration, and it’s important for Marc’s evolution -even if it won’t stick- so I have to discuss it in length. So if that’s not for you, this is your cue to stop reading and I’ll see you in part 13 when all this is put in the back seat and we can go back to the boys, as, well, the boys.

Here, Captain Spector, still drawn by Stokoe, despite everyone ELSE drawn by Smallwood, complains that he HAS to be real, that he remembers all the suffering of seeing his friends, and the Earth heroes get turned into werewolves,  and Marc can’t tell them otherwise, while Marc simply states that no, they aren’t real, but he is. He is the only real one and he doesn’t need them anymore, that for him to be whole? They need to go.

And go they do, in heartbreaking ways.

First one is Captain Spector, as Marc admits he has no idea where he came from and thus, he vanish into sand by himself, begging the others for help, to Jake’s horror. By the way, here Marc states that JAKE is the one who always was Moon Knight, that it was JAKE’s identity Marc took on every time he put on the mask. Which, frankly, an interesting concept that should perhaps be used more.

As Captain Spector’s disappears in a Stokoe’s drawn page, we move to Francavilla’s pencils as he tries to fight Marc.  At first, Marc doesn’t want, but he ends up claiming that JAKE only understands violence, and is too unpredictable, so Marc needs to be in control. I actually dislike this because, well, THIS is the real violent Jake retcon. By claiming that EVERY ACTION that Marc did under the hood was actually Jake? Well, yes, Lemire puts the worst of Marc’s actions outside his time as a mercenary as Jake’s fault. And so, Marc kills Jake, with a crescent dart, even as he admits that he will always need Jake, or at least, part of Jake.

And so, Jake ALSO turns to sand.

But by then, Steven has done the smart thing and run the hell away from Marc.

But of course, Marc can follow his footprints, right inside the giant pyramid that turns into the streets of New York, drawn again in warm colors by Torres.

This is probably the most heartbreaking part because Steven tells Marc he remembers EVERYTHING about their life, that he feels real, and has to be real… and that’s when Marc reveals that well, that is because yes, it was real. Steven had been with him, first as an imaginary friend, then co-existing even if they weren’t co-conscious in one way or another, until Marc got older and Jake joined in.

Marc claims that he thought that as long as he had the Mask, as long as he was Moon Knight, he could use both Jake and Steven to ignore his mental condition, but it only helped to make things worse, making him lose himself as he woke in the hospital (That, by the way, he still considers real, even when we know it wasn’t).

And here we have a big hell of an anvil. Unlike the others, who were told they needed to GO, Marc tells Steven that HE, Steven, won’t die as he is part of Marc, and always will be, but that he needs to go back “to your place” to let Marc have control again.  Marc is accepting, in a way, he is sick. He says so to Steven, and points out that the mask was a way to hide the illness, but that he doesn’t want to hide, nor be ashamed, even if he knows he will NEVER be cured. He just needs a better way to live with it. And Steven, wonderful Steven? Just asks Marc to find a way to be happy, before hugging him goodbye… and vanishing into sand in Marc’s arms, even as Marc promises he, Steven, will ALWAYS be with him, Marc.

Bit of a reverse beginning of episode 6, no? -except for the clothes colors which are exactly as in the series, Marc in white, Steven in black.

And then, for the first time since he was 10 years old? Marc is alone, and everything is quiet.

So now, now Marc puts on the mask again and as Mr. Knight he declares that he will go back to the hospital… and Kill Khonshu.

But of course, as we have a part 13 to get to? We know that this is not the end of our guys, even if at THIS point it seems as if Marc managed some sort of integration and the comic is presenting it as good.

I swear, I will hurry with Part 13 so you see how it was fixed and why I still insist that the Lemire run is the superior one when it comes to Plural representation.  (While accepting that yeah, the bar was VERY low at the time)

[captlok]

Pacifism Isn’t A Character Trait

Or: MLK Day is Upon Us so Let Me Do You a Learn

Or: As An Aang Stan I Got a Bit Over-Zealous But Lemme Explain Why For A Hot Minute

Plus some History and Tumblr commentary that even non-ATLA fans can chew on

And by ‘hot minute’ I do mean this is going to be a long meta, so strap in.  For those of you who just might be tuning into this debacle, I, a person who has not used Tumblr, much at all, except for the last half year, ran into some trouble. 

If you wanna skip the whole TLDNR interpersonal stuffs and get straight to Why Aang is the Best Thing Since Sliced Bread, I will embolden the relevant parts, and italicize the crit of Korra, if you want that alongside.

I was excited that ATLA was seeing a resurgence due to the Netflix remake. I wasn’t even trying to apply any steep expectations for it. (learned not to do that the hard way with the last live action adaption, and to a much lesser extent, ATLOK, since it had good . . . elements, *ba dum tsshh*) 

So, these are a couple aspects of the issue: (1) Even on the internet, I am extremely introverted and until recently mostly came for content, not socializing. My main online interactions thus far have been in forums and artist-to-artist on DA. Tumblr is still very strange to me because it splits up its ‘threads’ so you can’t see all the replies if a certain pattern of users responds in their own space. I’m not even 100% sure it’s in chronological order, and replies are not nested next to each other so you can look in the comments and someone will be replying to something you can’t see in that window. And also since it is a bizarre hybrid of a blogging system, posts are somehow considered ‘owned by’ or an ‘extension of’ OP in a way forum threads are not. (2) ATLOK was good in a cinematic and musical way, to be sure. It also had some good concepts. I can go into it just appreciating it for the worldbuilding and be somewhat satisfied. But the execution was terrible. I was on AvatarSpirit.Net for years, and If I had maintained my presence on ASN to current day and had gotten around to downloading their archive now that the forum is dead, I would include some links to other peoples’ detailed analyses on just how flawed both the plotting and Korra’s frustratingly flat learning curve was especially in the first two seasons. But, that is a task for another day, and only if people are interested. 

No, what I’m addressing today, on the issue of Korra as a writing exercise, is how Mike and Bryan said specifically they wanted to make her ‘as opposite to Aang as possible’ and in so doing, muddied the central theme of the original ATLA series.

Now, again, I was mainly an art consumer for my first major round of ATLA fandom. Tumblr is an alien beast to me. But, after I write my first major Aang meta, talking about how amazing it is that he has the attitude he does, and how being content in the face of this overwhelming pain and suffering is an ONGOING PROCESS and an INTENTIONAL DECISION and not a simple PERSONALITY TRAIT, I start hearing that Aang gets a lot of hate from the fandom. Now this would be bad enough if it were merely people not liking his crowning moment of pacifism because they don’t understand the potential utility (I’ll elaborate on that in another post) or the ethics involved.

Aang is easily the most adult member of the Gaang. But he apparently gets hate for his few moments where he actually acts his age, a preteen, and maybe kisses a girl in a historical timeframe in which ‘consent’ discussions were probably nonexistent. Even in the present day, we are still practically drowned in movies that reinforce this kissing without asking trope. And even some female bodied people complain that asking kills the mood! But somehow he is responsible and reprehensible for this, even though the first time she kissed him back. I’m only going to get into the pacifism discussion today, but that was just another layer of annoyance bouncing around in the back of my head.  Other peoples’ crit of Korra that was stewing in my subconscious, plus this Aang bashing, which thankfully I had not directly read much of, made up the backdrop of gasoline for the match that set it off.  Even that seems a pretty melodramatic way to phrase what I actually said, which was: Aang, on the other hand, lost dozens of father figures and was being steamrolled by Ozai who was gloating about genocide TO HIS FACE, yet he still reigned in all that quote, ‘unbelievable rage and pain’ (The Southern Raiders). We Stan Aang, the Superior Avatar. No I did not f**king stutter. #AangSupremacy In another meta, someone complained that I was too defensive of Aang as a character and didn’t apply literary analysis enough, which I quickly rectified.

What set this off? Someone was kind of indirectly praising the line from Korra,  “When I get out of here, none of you will survive” To them it was emotionally resonant or whatever, and I have to point out that no, it was a martial artist not having control of their state of mind, as is the bedrock of the practice. It was never addressed by the narrative, which is a severe oversight.  I had a conversation with someone in the chats, making this distinction between Korra’s character traits and life philosophy. If she were to kill people while enraged and she was fine with that, that’s one thing. But if she regretted it, that’s a whole other kettle of fish. People argue that she comes from a warrior culture, unlike Aang.

Never mind that warrior monks are a thing. That’s what Shaolin monks are. You can be a pacifist and skilled at fighting. Those things are not mutually exclusive, which is the whole point of Bagua, Aang’s style.  And also, Katara’s style. 

That’s one reason I like Kataang so much- their congruent styles. Both of their real world martial arts are dedicated to pacifism, even though ATLA specifically doesn’t spell that out for Katara and her learning arc. 

There was a meta where someone briefly tried to argue that knowing “martial arts” is against pacifism. No. Quite the opposite. I’d argue that you are not a true pacifist unless you know exactly how to handle yourself if someone attacks you.  If you are not in a position to make conscious decisions about how much force to use, rather than merely operating on survival instincts, that is not pacifism. Or at least, not any energy or effort towards pacifism as a practical everyday tool.  I’ve made a few attempts to learn some tai chi and aikido, and it’s improved my physical and mental health, but some other things have gotten in the way. #lifegoals

I’m not going to tag the unfortunate soul whom I was replying to, because they’re probably tired of all this, but I’ll be sending them a PM to say that I’ve made this into a different post, because as I mentioned before, threads are somehow considered “owned” by OP, so it’s been pointed out to me that I should separate it.  I also said, I have basically ZERO respect for Korra uttering violent threats when the writers already minted a far more emotionally devastated and yet still resilient and centered character earlier in their franchise. People always try to excuse away people who genuinely like Aang more.  As if it’s just nostalgia or whatever. For me, no, it’s absolutely not. It is respect for a character who stands toe to toe with real people who are kind in the face of overwhelming injustice. (I have another meta on that). 

Both OP and people in the chats try to make excuses that she wasn’t raised as a pacifist, and that would be fine if they had addressed it with Tenzin and she had stated outright that she was rejecting pacifism and mind training. As it is, we are left with this nebulous affair where the lines between ideology and personality traits are blurred. 

We are told she “has trouble with spirituality” but what does that even mean? Does she have trouble with focus? Does she have trouble relating to the canonically real spirits? And pacifism specifically nor inner peace that it flows from is never even talked about as an extension of spirituality, which is canonically tied to airbending.

“Aang didn't have to deal once with the loss of his autonomy in atla” OP claims.

This was after I had noted that Aang was getting kicked around by Ozai and was most likely going to die.  Similarly, someone in the chat rejected the idea that a 12 year old trapped in a stone sphere that is heating up under a cyclone-sized blowtorch feels powerless. 

Sorry but that’s flat out ridiculous.

No one wants to admit that both of these people were faced with similar situations, and when push came to shove, one showed his LIFE PHILOSOPHY through conscious effort, and the other was abandoning the basis of martial arts, which is, no matter what the situation, keep thinking. Hold the panic at bay. Non-attachment would have served her well in this situation. Tenzin should have told her this. Before, or afterwards. It should have been addressed in the writing.  

People see this as “bashing” Korra, and oh well, can’t help that. If I think the writers didn’t follow through on their themes, that is my concern.  OP said I was “offended.” No, not really. 

I wasn’t offended by the post itself, or its commentary. Thought I made that pretty clear.

This is not dramatics. Let me be blunt.

As a ideological pacifist, and an actual practitioner of meditation, based on Buddhism, NOT just the fan of some show, I am for calling out writers who write one way from the survivor of genocide, and then stray from that ‘thoughtless aggression is immoral no matter HOW hurt I am’ to ‘let’s not address this character’s aggression in the narrative whatsoever.’ OP attempted to derail by accusing me of being racist or sexist against Korra. Also ridiculous. It honestly should have set me off more, but it didn’t. 

Meditation is about reigning in your emotions. Managing your anger when it gets out of hand, and digging down to the roots of it. Being responsible for your own behavoir. Acknowledging ownership of your own actions. Not blaming anything YOU DO on anyone else or any circumstances in your life. Like an adult, or should I say, an enlightened adult.

Or at the very least, that is the ideal ypu strive towards while being imperfect in the present.

. . .

Now.

I’m going to quote a passage in a Google Doc of mine, even though I’d really prefer if you asked to read the whole thing, with context.

“What do humans do when it is necessary to, or greed makes a nation want to recruit?

They go to the army to get trained, right?

Granted, having someone scream and get spittle on your face is, in the grand scheme of things, poor preparation for having bullets whiz past your chest and grenades shatter your ears. And, what do you do to prepare you for the pain of getting your leg blown off? Hopefully, nothing. Like taking a test where you only got half the study guide. But, it’s about the most ethical way to go about it, right?

Not everyone even sees action. So any more more extensive mental preparation for physical pain than that, and you’d have people definitely protesting.

Well, as it turns out, pacifistic protestors themselves, if they were in the right time and place, also very intentionally do this type of mind training. Except, when they did it, they actually did sit still and took turns roughly grabbing each other and throwing each other down and in some cases, even kicking and bruising each other.

Turns out, those pacifists are, in some ways, more hardcore than the army.

Why is this?

Because a pacifist’s aim, unlike a unit, who wants to gain the upper hand in a situation, is to grit their teeth and grind their way through all those survival instincts, and totally submit.

In this, they aim to get the sympathy of the public, who clearly sees they are not aggressive, or a danger, no matter how much the footage is manipulated or suppressed.

In this, they hope to appeal to their attacker’s better nature.

Make them stop and think, wait a second, are these people a threat like we’re told they are? I’m attacking someone who’s letting me beat them up. Or a bunch of people. All forming a line, and letting us peel them off. Or sitting, and bowing their heads. If I’m on the ‘right’ side of things, the law, why am I doing this?

It’s not like a bully, who’s just a kid.” They’re more self-aware.

And might I add the situation influences a pacifist’s actions too. There’s no reason to let a single or a few random attackers beat you up if you can evade or disable without permanent damage.

Pacifism is a dynamic set of responsive actions informed by values. Not a proscribed set or a checklist.

But in terms of organizing against state power, and recording wrongdoing, which unlike during the Civil Rights can happen from all angles from smart phones nowadays, these are the motivations.

“So, the pacifist knows this, and that’s why they go through all that trouble of training themselves to, not only submit, but not turn tail and run, either.”

See, a character trait is something like being a morning person, or ways of handing information, or a given set of emotions a character feels. Once you cross over into actions, you must make the distinction of whether an impulsive character agrees with their own uncontrolled actions, or is embarrassed or remorseful. Those are life philosophy. Now sure, one type of person or character may be more likely to subscribe to pacifism, but there is no gatekeeping on what you have to feel or how you look at things. You can be easygoing, or feel all the rage in the world, but as long as you at least attempt to have a handle on those desires and feelings to where they do not cross into actions, you are still doing the work of metacognition, which is what martial arts and its accompanying mind training are for.

It’s what we see Aang do.

He’s informed us, during the Southern Raiders, on how much rage and pain he feels.

Pain points, TRIGGERS, that were directly struck at when Ozai gloated over him.

He joins with all the past Avatars for several moments, and just like every other time he is in the Avatar State, he is enraged. He wants to exact revenge on the unrepentant grandson of a baby murderer.

We see it when he turns his head away, face still screwed up in anger.

For another example, I could cite my difficulties in being aware and reining in my tongue sometimes. I know the roots of these issues and I seek to let them go.

It’s just that process takes way longer than Guru Pathik would have us assume.

In fact, I would even say that Aang’s portrayal throughout the three seasons is not strictly a realistic representation of at least the sad side of grief. I addressed that a little when I talked about real life figures. But what it IS, is a metaphor that cuts very deep to the heart of pacifism. As I showed in that Doc . . . There is no limit of suffering a pacifist is willing to go through, internal or external, for the preservation of peace.

This was demonstrated during the Civil Rights, and with Gandhi and all his followers beforehand, inspiring them. The pacifists’ method of swaying hearts is probably the reason BLM exists in such numbers as it does today. Will the types of narratives that correspond with their full stories of the way they collectively planned and trained for and approached conflict make it into fantasy media? I’d say, probably not. For a host of reasons.

It could be hoped for, I guess.

But we DO have Aang.

As for myself, whether speaking sharply is an “action,” per se is up for debate- certainly it doesn’t seem to violate the non-aggression principle put forth by the vision of a “stateless society.”

For another example, let’s take my explanation at the beginning. I am examining how circumstances affected my actions, and now am attempting to fix it, if indeed it needs to be fixed. 

At least one person said that it not so much what I said, but how and when I said it. I don’t actually think I’ve said anything “wrong” per se. So I have to figure it out. 

[I’m considering splitting up this next part into a second post, as it only slightly relates to pacifism itself and is just kinda some more commentary on Tumblr itself- Tumblr discourse, as it were]

[I’ll put more brackets when I’m done in case you want to skip this part as well]

An interesting social difference between Tumblr and other places is this command you often get, “don’t chat/reblog/message me back.”

This is interesting for several reasons. For chats and reblogs, other people may be following the “conversation,” so it’s actually pretty rude and presumptuous to tell a person not to respond to whatever you said, because other people watching still may be interested in your take.

In a forum setting, if someone involved in a conversation doesn’t have anything left to say, usually they just don’t respond.

This method would work perfectly fine for Tumblr, but for some reason, maybe its super odd format, probably due to the “ownership”/“extension of self” I mentioned at the beginning of the essay, people don’t tend to do this.

Now, in comment sections, sometimes you’ll run across an amusing sort of “mutually assured destruction” where two people both say this to each other. You’d better stop responding. Omg just give up. Why are you still arguing. Etc.

But see, no matter where this behavoir pops up, and no matter who starts in on it, those who do this usually want to have the last say on the matter.

Instead of merely not replying, they want to assert verbal control over the conversation.

Tumblr, in its weirdness, is also sort of like a mutant comments section. You can post comment section threads as your own post.

Which is one reason why I’m puzzled when people say ‘don’t read the comment sections’ when Tumblr is so popular.

I’m an oddball in that I browse comment sections for fun.

Probably due to alexithymia, I didn’t really comprehend the emotional toll it takes on many people, so the warnings to “stay out of comment sections” read to me like “hey don’t eat that dessert.” After I’m done with the ‘meal’ of an article or art, I like to see what lots of different people have to say about it. The fluff. Anything vitriolic I either blip over, or extract anything useful, or if I judge the person is reasonable enough, I might engage.

Sometimes I mis-judge on how reasonable someone is, and I shrug and move on after being cussed out or whatever.

In this, I suppose I succeed much of the time in being a verbal pacifist.

[But let’s get back to the more serious stuff.]

We’re talking about what is done in life or death situations, here.

For myself, I may in the near future be working more with dangerously mentally ill people. I’ve had a little exposure to it through various means. Nurses are obligated not to retaliate against patients, and those who have, have been fired in some situations. Again oddly, this is not primarily what triggers my anxiety. Unfortunately enough, this requirement has also resulted in nurses getting seriously injured and violated. I hope to influence whether “no harm” techniques such as tai chi and aikido and arm locks may be allowed. The voluntary philosophy I was luckily already on board with is enforced by bureauacracy, directly relevant to my potential profession.

Were someone to get involved in a dangerous profession, such as a police officer, their moral duty would also be to own up to any spur of the moment anger or fear they acted on. 

It’s just that their bureaucracy acts differently, in excusing their actions.

Ideally, they would be taking steps far in advance, to avoid this often-cited fear of death reaction. As training pacifists like Aang do. 

And yes, army people are trained differently than police officers because the army, often, even when threatened, is supposed to avoid engagement or deploy deterrents that are non-lethal almost all costs, unless ordered otherwise. Whereas American police are given pretty much complete discretion and often not taught de-escalation techniques. Even police from other nations are better trained in that regard.

Enter the ironically named @avatarfandompolice whose account description should really speak for itself. Combative, dismissive, and their attention-hungry bread and butter is to find people they think it’s acceptable to ridicule.  They basically tried to say trauma was a valid excuse to take out your anger on other people, and in this situation, potentially kill. 

Now, does this hold up in the real world? Yeah, sometimes. Especially if some law breaker or law keeper has not been given the anger management tools, they perhaps could be excused, or better yet, rehabilitated.

But especially if anyone finds themselves in dangerous situations, or intends to put themselves in such, it falls to them to do this preparation.

As an aphant, I am at a bit of a disadvantage, compared to an average martial artist, being unable to visualize an attacker. But I still attempt it.

As the main “police officer” of the world- the coincidentally blue clad figurehead that is supposed to keep order, it is apparently fine for Korra to not do the work Aang did to keep level. To blow it off as too much trouble: clearing the First Chakra of fear. For herself or others. And its resultant anger. Had she had access to the Avatar State, the authority figure pretty much would have killed people.  This is what the “fandom police” and a certain chat goer ultimately support. Maybe they didn’t understand it that way, and since the second had blocked me, they will also never see this explanation. Unless I were to share it in Google Doc form I suppose.

So, I responded. “Remember kids, you are not responsible for your own behavior if you have the excuse that someone else did something bad to you.” A frighteningly common sentiment on this site.

When it’s low stakes like CAPSLOCKING or internet fights, that’s not such a big deal. But what happens if this attitude leaks into the real world? This isn’t even about Korra or Aang anymore, it’s about toxic mindsets. I didn’t know fans taking pro-Korra posts as anti-Aang was a common in the fandom. I’ll say again I’ve only just gotten really active on Tumblr like the past few months. This is about pacifism itself. MLK and his hardworking, training followers (yes some of them sixteen and POC and not super-powered like Korra) facing down firehoses and staging sit-ins long trained for would shake their heads at this defense of reactionism. 

Pacifism is not a Personality Trait.

It is deliberate actions and preparation taken over a period of time.

Then the “fandom police” tried more of this, and these two conversations ensued, the comments with another user resulting in the title and main thesis of this essay:

https://captlok.tumblr.com/post/638777472806273024/avatarfandompolice-response-to-my-independent

https://captlok.tumblr.com/post/638806142933467136/the-plight-was-not-what-i-was-getting-at-it-was

[sueisen]

I am home and drawing again! If anyone is interested in how my past year was feel free to open the read more. It's heavy stuff dealing with worker exploitation and my mental health, so be careful. <3

Other than that, I sketched this Neptune piece a few weeks ago! I am trying to go with a mermaid theme, although May is already over. It just makes sense for Michiru <3

What did you think of the new Crystal movie? I was very excited about it, and I loved the aesthetic. Story-wise I think the pacing was horrible, I do not recommend it to people who are new to Sailor Moon. Also, I prefer the animation style of Crystal Season 3, this felt too childish, I guess??

So some of you might know, but in August I moved to France to be an "au pair". Basically, a young foreigner who helps with taking care of the children in a (usually rich) family, in compensation for housing and food etc. It's supposed to be a cultural exchange thing.

I say "supposed to be" because it was anything but!! It was work. Just work. For half of the minimum wage, I was made to take care of these children who were absolute nightmares!! They were rude, demanding, entitled, self-centered, spoiled and treated me like a dog AT BEST. After a few months, it turned out that they actually have serious mental health issues (They were extremely aggressive and easy to irritate.) I was not notified about this, even though I am not in any way qualified to take care of children with special needs.

I was also made to clean the whole house all by myself once a week. The house was HUGE, three stories, and all-white so every small spot was noticeable. But I cleaned. I did my best, but it was never good enough. And at the end of the week, my host mom would tell me off and ask things like "did you even clean???," I did, but no one ever cared and by the next day the house was a mess again. They left everything opened in the kitchen, and no one ever cleaned up after themselves, walked around in dirty shoes and just generally didn't give a f**k because I guess they were not the ones who had to clean it up anyway.

They didn't care about me in general. They told me lies about "being a part of the family" and stuff, but they treated me like an employee 100%. At one point they gave me a sheet with my "strengths and weaknesses". We never agreed to do anything like this. I was already nervous and then I just broke down crying in front of them. It was so humiliating. Like I was a robot and they were giving a review on a website. It didn't help that in some aspects they gave me a 0 out of 5!! As if I was not even trying!!

My mental health took a deep dive. I haven't been this s*icid*l since 2018 when my house almost bURNED DOWN. That's how bad it was. I was there, trying to enjoy this new city, but all I could think about was jumping into the Seine and drowning. I cried myself into sleep many nights, as I was hiding this from my family and friends. I was embarrassed by letting myself be taken advantage of. Even though THEY shouldn't have exploited me from the start!!

Their expectations were unbelievable! I was a 19 year old with no qualifications at all!! They wanted me to be a cook, a cleaning lady, a nanny, a cleaner, a teacher (I had to teach the kids English and PIANO??? IDK HOW TO PLAY THE PIANO AND THEY KNEW THAT!!) Of course, I was not perfect! No one is! But I was a first-time au pair as well! And they knew that! It was unfair.

I am out now. I stayed for 10 months for the money, so I could afford to take my parents on a holiday that they deserved. I have never appreciated them this much before. It was a time of reflection. Of how good I had it back at home, where people CARED and LOVED me.

If you're an au pair and being exploited (It's very common, I could almost say it's the NORM!!) please don't be afraid to reach out. None of this is right. You're not supposed to be drained every day, you're not supposed to clean toilets, you're not supposed to do anything that has nothing to do with the children (I had to iron the PARENTS clothes, and COOK for them EVERY DAY. FOR TWO ADULTS!!).

You're not the problem. You're enough!! It's not your fault that these rich people were too cheap to pay money for a professional nanny for their children and decided to exploit young foreign girls instead!

xoxo

[brinaedwards]

Honey, I think We F*$#@# Up the Kids

The thing about this class that is really awesome is the fact that I can take a day to myself, watch movies and still call it homework. Euphoria took me a couple days of binge watching but still, it was nice to relax and take in films that I would have never watched on my own.  Some I enjoyed like MID90's, some I did not, KIDS. Like I said in my last post, I would not want to watch that film again. I have no real reason as to why not other than the fact I just did not enjoy watching it. Well the scene where Capser sucks kool-aid out of a tampon, yeah that could be a reason why not to watch it again.Everything else was really good though, then again I could watch The Breakfast Club all the time.

As a common theme of these posts I have a list of questions that I am required to answer next to me. After watching these films/tv shows, the character that I identified with most is a combination of characters. Specifically from Euphoria because honesty that show is pretty close to society today. Kat is someone I can easily relate to because when I was in High School, I was very much overweight. I never noticed it because I was surrounded by friends that didn’t make me feel overweight. Like Kat, those friends were really skinny and included me in things like going out and having a good time. I forgot what year but sometime during high school I met a kid who I fell head over heels for, similar to how Jules fell for “Tyler”.  However, I wasn’t catfished or anything like that but I was very manipulated by this dude, let's call him “Tyller #2”. . We were never together but I was like his side chick in a way. Similar to Jules, “Tyler #2”  convinced me to do things that I would never think of doing but being in a vulnerable state at the time, it was easy for him to take advantage of certain situations. For the first time I was very conscious of my weight, and tried all the dieting techniques out there and none of it worked. I eventually ended up being with someone else who actually made me happy and confident. But “Tyler #2” got under my skin again and I eventually broke up with the dude I was with under the false promise of being with “Tyler #2”. For years I was under this man-child's thumb and like Kat I spiraled, desperate to try and find myself. I would confide in friends and they would tell me to get away from this dude but I never listened. This kept going on for years. I ended up becoming friends with some not so great people because of it. Thankfully I got away before anything super awful happened. But back to “Tyler #2”. It was about a year into college that I got over “Tyler #2”, and that's because I woke up one day. I will never forget this but I remember him saying to me, “Maybe you should lower your standards and then you can get a guy”. I don’t know why that hit me so hard but in that moment I came to this realization that I shouldn't have to lower my standards for anyone, if anything I need to raise them. And that is exactly what I did.I blocked “Tyler #2” from all my social media, and when he called me out on it one day I looked at him and said “you are a disgusting, sad piece of shit”. After that moment I felt free. Like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I ended up losing a lot of weight and gained confidence back in myself. I found someone who exceeded my standards and I've been with him for three years now. I haven't seen or spoken to “Tyler #2” for a long time and I hope to keep it that way. There are things I know he has done to girls he was with, things that should have gotten him charged with assault but, of course nothing could ever be proven. That's why I can identify with Kat, Jules and come to think of it, even Maddy.

I guess that goes into the themes these films/tv shows portray in youth. Abuse, Social Pressure and Sex. When I would watch things like this around my parents or brothers when I was younger, they always gave me a look of shock and disbelief. As if things like that don’t happen in today's world or ever happened. And of course when trying to explain to them that things like that happen, they get defensive or even a bit disappointed that issues were never brought up. I think that’s because things like this aren’t  easy to explain, it's more than words can explain. A lot of it has to do with social pressures today, I mean social pressures such as the pressures of getting good grades, meeting parental expectations, peer pressure and massive world pressure that is being forced on us today. Euphoria didn’t go too much into detail of social pressure as much as it did with abuse and sex but The Breakfast Club on the other hand oozed it. For example, characters such as Claire, Andrew and Brian each went through their own pressures. For Brian he is pressured by his mother to get good grades no matter what, eventually the pressure of failing a class was too much for him and he brought a gun into the school. Yes it was a flare gun but the principle is there. In an article from the Pew Research Center, a study showed that “61% of teens today feel pressure to get good grades” That alone can cause anyone to go off the edge not to mention the public expectations put on youth, for example, Andrew having to win and prove to his father that he is cool. And how Claire values what her friends would think if they knew she wanted to be friends with the others. All those things are sometimes built up in one person and it's absolutely terrifying. The Guardian article on how Euphoria captures teen melancholy briefly mentions how we are a generation of school shooter drills. (I don’t know if that is meant as a description of how we are as a generation but that's not the point of trying to make). What I am trying to get across is that social pressure placed on youth today is scary, especially since there was a time where every few weeks there was a school shooting. I don’t want to get into gun laws because that is a long post for another day. I just want to get into the mentality of it all because The Breakfast Club highlights an important issue to mental health and what kids even now go through.

I remember being in highschool and my school had a serious shooter threat. My parents still sent me to school because they felt that nothing would happen. Nothing did but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t absolutely terrified. I did not attend any classes that day, instead I stayed in the band room that day because if anything were to happenI could hide in a cubby or run out the back door. Even more recently a few years back when SUNY Orange got a shooter threat, I didn’t even go and neither did a lot of people.

I am so thrilled that mental health awareness is something that is being recognized and taken seriously. The stigma behind needing therapy and vocalizing feelings needs to end, especially the stigma of gender roles. Abuse is a theme that is presented in all the films/tv shows watched this week. The Breakfast Club shows insight on domestic physical abuse through John, Euphoria gets more into the psychological, emotional, physical and self abuse that teens go through. This theme especially is something that needs to become more recognized and addressed. Abuse is not just physical, it is mental and emotional. Nate abuses both mentally and physically by using Jules as duct tape to make problems go away by black mailing her. With Maddy he uses his control physically, verbally assaulting her about how she dresses, oh the list can go on and on.

Sex is a common theme in all the films/tv shows this week and that is something that every teen goes through. At that age your body goes through changes and it’s only natural that it is explored. In todays world sex is not much of a taboo like it was for our parents. But at the same time I feel that it is. When I was in highschool sex was not talked about. It was mentioned once in health class but that was it. No one went into detail, there was no explanation about stds, how females need to check for things, the list goes on. KIDS was a film that went into sex way more than all the other films/tv shows. It highlighted the horrors of unprotected sex, such as contracting HIV. As much as I disliked this film it is one that needs to be seen. The lectures talk about the “Disneyfication” of things today but it's that way of thinking that is hurting the youth of today. I can understand that parents don’t want their kids going through such trama at a young age, but if they are not being taught properly, not being educated they are going to find out on their own. Any issues kids face today parents right it off as a “part of growing up” but when your kid doesn't know what a condom is, or how to properly use birth control what do you expect is going to happen when the daughter is pregnant or the son has an std? That is not a part of growing up, that is just pure negligence on the parents and teachers. I could really go way into more of a rant but I feel that a topic like this needs its own blog and this one is already long af. Here are links to videos that I watched that go more into detail about education today. I promise they are not that long.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI

Long story short, abuse, social pressure and sex are themes that kids face on a daily basis. It’s amazing that there are shows out there like Euphoria or films such as KIDS and The Breakfast Club to make it known that this is real. The world is a scary place, but that does not mean censoring that bad stuff. It means that the youth need to be prepared for a shit world, and if they’re not shown or educated about things before the fact then honey, I think we f*$#@# up the kids.

To make this whole post a little lighter let's just talk about the music, the Euphoria soundtrack was all of today's music, which if you listen to half of them its all about getting laid and doing drugs. Sort of on theme of the show don’t you think?For MID90’s the soundtrack fitted the “skater” “punk” theme. A soundtrack is something that can spark a memory, make it feel relatable. Take you back to a time where you had a similar experience. For example, certain songs I listen to take me back to when I used to be at Billy Joes in Newburgh line dancing, getting wasted and then eating pancakes at the Alexis Diner. It makes me think of what kind of playlist would describe my adolescence. Oof, well isn’t that a trip down memory lane.

I grew up listening to metal, my brothers have their own metal band, so I would be the only toddler sitting on the amps coloring not giving a shit about all the grimey people in the audience haha. It would be only fitting that my playlist would consist of metal & rock. However, as I got older I enjoyed pop songs and a couple edm mixes. My list would probably be:

Fame - David Bowie

ARTPOP - Lady Gaga

Bring Me to Life - Evanescence

Everytime We Touch - Cascada

Evil Angel - Breaking Benjamin

Forest - System of a Down

Hype - NEFFEX

My Curse - Killswitch Engage

Nightmare - Avenged Sevenfold

Shout 2000 - Disturbed

https://music.apple.com/us/playlist/my-adolescents/pl.u-8aAVVgafjg0W9A

These would be songs I would listen to non-stop as teen in middle school/ high school. “Fame” is a song that just makes me dance. I mean who doesn’t love a good David Bowie song right? “ARTPOP” is something that brings me back to when me and my uncle went to NYC to see Lady Gaga at the opening of H&M. “Bring Me to Life” is a song that honestly, all kids that are exploring metal/rock come across, the same is said for “Nightmare” and “My Curse”. “Hype” and “Everytime We Touch” takes me back to when I used to go to parties. I don’t know why but these were songs that would be on, I think because everyone was probably too drunk to care. “Shout 2000” is a song that my brother introduced me to, he would have this specific Distrubed album playing non stop and im sure thats why the CD got all scratched up. Ahh the days of CD’s, I feel that I’m part of the generation that saw the last of those things. “Evil Angel” is a song that I played all the time on my ipod. Breaking Benjamin was the best band I ever heard and when I got the chance to see them live it was amazing! As for “Forest”, well, System of A Down has such a chaotic, emotional style that you can’t just help but to headbang to their songs. This was always one of my favorites. As I got older my music taste  has expanded to musicals, classical, pop, jazz, kind of every genre but country haha. Sorry country.

WORK CITED

“The Sadness of Euphoria: How the Show Captures Teen Melancholy.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 25 June 2019, www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2019/jun/25/the-sadness-of-euphoria-how-the-show-captures-teen-melancholy.

Horowitz, Juliana Menasce, and Nikki Graf. “Most U.S. Teens SEE Anxiety, Depression as Major Problems.” Pew Research Center's Social & Demographic Trends Project, Pew Research Center, 30 May 2020, www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/02/20/most-u-s-teens-see-anxiety-and-depression-as-a-major-problem-among-their-peers/.

O'Keeffe, Gwenn Schurgin, et al. “The Impact of Social Media on Children, Adolescents, and Families.” American Academy of Pediatrics, American Academy of Pediatrics, 1 Apr. 2011, pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/127/4/800.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 2 May 2014, www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnC6IABJXOI.

TEDxTalks, director. YouTube, YouTube, 6 Feb. 2015, www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yt6raj-S1M.

[oneboxofmatches]

I hope it's okay to ask for a HP romantic and friend matchup from the golden trio era and possibly romantic for marauders (please don't feel like you have to do the marauders one too if it's too much. I definitely don't want to stress you).

My pronouns are she/her and my romantic preference would be for a guy. I'm 5'4 and my style usually lingers somewhere between feminine, preppy, and "basic". I do think it's important to put at least some level of effort into my appearance.

My HP house is Ravenclaw (second highest Slytherin) and my enneagram is 1w2 (with 3 as a very close second top number)

I'm a super hardworking and ambitious person (sometimes at the expense of my own mental health and wellness). It's important to me to be able to work towards my goals and be with someone who has goals of their own. I'd get frustrated by someone who never knows when to take things seriously. I have a tendency to stress myself out sometimes and often let my stress bottle up. Cleaning/organizing and baking always help me feel centered and reduce my stress when I feel like I'm freaking out a bit. I tend to also be a little bit of a control freak on occasion in everyday life.

I can be a bit reserved when it comes to meeting new people, but when I'm around my close friends and family, I'm more open and talkative. I don't feel the need to force conversation though and can enjoy time around people just by doing our own thing next to each other and relaxing in each other's company. My friends and family are really important to me and I always try to be reliable and there for them whenever they need support.

When it comes to hobbies, I enjoy reading, watching tv/movies, cross stitch, and shopping. I used to be on a dance drill team and have continued doing yoga to keep up my flexibility because it helps me feel healthy. My favorite genres in books, movies, tv shows, etc. are romance and mystery, but I especially love when something has a big plot twist or is really thought provoking so that I can discuss it with someone I know. I also tend to be a romantic. I'm not really an outdoorsy person though and don't enjoy things like camping and hiking a ton.

When it comes to my idea of a perfect date it would probably be something pretty classic like going out to a nice dinner. I do enjoy getting dressed up and doing something fancy. Though, I'd also enjoy something like going to a carnival or festival together and just enjoying each other's company for a day. The most important thing is just spending time and connecting with the person I care about. My love languages are quality time and physical touch. It's simple, but I think it's super sweet just walking down the street and holding hands with someone. I also think it's nice when someone is taller than me so I can lean my head on their arm or shoulder while we stand next to each other (this sounds cheesy haha).

Goodness this came out so long, but I hope it's okay. Thanks so much for doing this!

This was amazing and no problem at all, thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy!!

In the Golden Trio era, I romantically pair you with…

CEDRIC DIGGORY

You value hard work. Cedric is by no means a stranger to hard work. Getting paired together for a project is the most likely way you two realized just how much you can accomplish together.

While Cedric realizes the importance of his schooling and the high piles of work that come with it, he also recognizes that maintaining a balance between “work” and “play” is the secret to a healthy, manageable life. He admires your work ethic (and supports your goals 100%), but he’s also the first to advise taking a step back when the world starts asking too much of you.

It’s because Cedric has the utmost respect for you that he doesn’t just outright dismiss your outbursts that occur whenever he’s attempting to get you to relax for a moment. He makes sure you know that he finds both the work you’re doing as well as your mental health important, and all he wants to do is help you find that middle ground where you don’t have to sacrifice either one.

Learning that you already have ways to cope with stress (cleaning, organizing, baking) eases his mind, and he even uses this information to his benefit. He knows that suggesting one of these activities as an alternative to partaking in any stressful work environment you’ve found yourself in betters the chances of you taking a well-deserved break.

Aside from actual dates, it’s these little breaks where the two of you spend the most quality time together. In terms of conversation, things can range from talking lightly about your days, taking on a vulnerable tone for more personal topics, or even just a silence that sits comfortably between you while you work.

Also, it’s almost surprising how much Cedric loves watching mystery TV shows and movies with you. It’s not necessarily something he would’ve found himself doing otherwise, but he loves having someone to share the massive surprise that comes with a major plot twist. After the screen goes dark, you two can find yourselves discussing what you just watched for hours without growing bored.

As for the traditional dates, you can bet that Cedric is up for both dressing up for a nice restaurant or taking the more casual route by going to a carnival. The variety not only keeps your relationship interesting, but it proves that the location really doesn’t matter -- you enjoy yourselves and feel just as strongly for each other no matter what.

Overall, the mutual respect and dedication between you and Cedric create the ultimate power couple dynamic. Alone you can accomplish many things, but together the possibilities are endless. But at the end of a long day, it becomes clear that having each other is all that really matters.

As a friend, I think you’d best be matched with…

DRACO MALFOY

Don’t be fooled. Before this friendship was anywhere near friendly, you and Draco made up one of the most competitive duos Hogwarts has ever seen. Your high work ethic and his constant need to be recognized as a great wizard clashed, and Draco was found applying himself to his work like he never had before.

It probably took you two being forced to work together to realize you (surprise!!!) actually make a pretty good team.

The sudden burst of motivation Draco found while competing against you stays after you become friends, and you’re the one who teaches him how to use this newfound ethic more efficiently. He recognizes that you taking a break from your own work to give him these helpful pointers is a big deal, and though he doesn’t say it, he’s grateful.

Whenever he isn’t off trying to impress someone or make sure his name remains respected, he’s often in the library with you, working away. You don’t talk much, though the question “How are things?” serves as a solid conversation started for the times when the work you’re doing doesn’t need to be rushed.

You both come to find that you value the other’s opinion on many things. Both schoolwork and social matters are things you bring up with the other, and advice-giving (yes, Draco can give advice when he feels like it) becomes a common theme.

Support becomes a key part of your friendship. Draco makes sure you take care of yourself and you make sure he knows he’s more than just his last name. Rumors of his family’s involvement in certain affairs aren’t exactly rare, and while you don’t force him to open up, you make a point to remind him time after time that he has the power to choose his own destiny.

And when he does finally open up to you in private, your opinion of him doesn’t change in the slightest. You reassure him of this, explaining that whatever he needs, you’re there for him. You realize you can’t do much to change his situation, but you know that simply being a loyal friend through all this might be just what he needs.

Overall, you and Draco hold each other in very high regard, and though you bring different perspectives to the table, you realize you’re willing to help each other in any way you can.

In the Marauders era, I romantically pair you with…

REMUS LUPIN

Remus understands you find his friends annoying. He finds them annoying. But seeing you sit through one of their worst hyperactive, downright ridiculous episodes just so you could spend time with him while knowing you can get fed up with people who have a hard time taking anything seriously demonstrated that you were committed to your relationship and were willing to accommodate whoever he hung out with.

As someone who outworks over ¾ the school, Remus is a master at recognizing the early stages of burnout. Whenever he sees it in you, he’ll take on a softer tone and gently ask if you’d like to direct your attention elsewhere for a while and return to work at a later time.

You often work in the same room as each other, taking solace in the gentle quiet you two can find if you get lucky enough to find such a spot. While you both enjoy the peaceful, intimate conversations that usually come at the end of a long day, you are also content with saving that for later and using the time at hand to focus on schooling.

The complexity of your conversations (whether it be about the latest book you both read, a recent assignment from a shared class, or one of life’s mysteries) is much higher than that of the average couple. With the level of thought you two are already capable of, you challenge each other by exploring new ways of thinking together.

Remus can be quite the romantic when he wants to be. Respectful, yet simple gestures (such as opening a door for you) are a given, but he also loves little signs of affection such as holding your hand as you walk through Hogsmeade. He revels in the feeling of being close to you, and don’t be surprised if he gives your hand a gentle squeeze once in a while.

Overall, not only do you and Remus unlock new levels of thought and productivity, but you also have a pure, sweet love for each other that is timeless.

[judesowndaughter]

#JustMarshSistersThings

Some assorted headcanons about Lynn and Emily under the cut because I need a place to put this stuff just so things aren’t so incredibly vague about them. Consider this a quick little reference guide to these two. 

Ages and Birthdays: - Kate’s birthday is the same as in canon: September 12th, 1995. - Emily’s birthday is February 14th, 1999. - Lynn’s birthday is July 22nd, 2003. - The ages for the Marsh sisters during the events of L.IS are as follows: Kate is 18, Emily is 14, and Lynn is 10. Barring some exceptions, most verses will have all three girls as 18, 14, and 10, respectively. - After the Storm verse jumps around in terms of the timeline, but generally I prefer to set it around 2017-ish, where Kate is 22 and Lynn is 14. - Kate’s U.ntil Dawn verse has her at 19 years old, with Emily at 15 and Lynn at 11.  Appearance: - As of the events of L.IS, Emily is the tallest of her siblings at 5′5″. Lynn is only a little shorter than Kate, measuring 5′1″. - All of the girls have long, undyed hair, although this isn’t necessarily by choice; Helen believes short/dyed hair on women looks “ugly” and “lesbian”, and therefore forces her daughters to have hair past their shoulders at the minimum. When Helen dies or is kicked out of the family, Lynn and Emily both cut their hair short. Lynn to a (dyed) bubblegum pink mop that falls just below her jawline, and Emily to...a pixie undercut. - Kate cuts her hair to shoulder-length shortly before leaving her hometown or after she quits drinking. - Of the Marsh sisters, Emily takes after Helen the most. Mother and child share ash blonde hair, a long, oval-shaped face, and a thin, straight nose. Much like Richard, Emily’s eyes are a light hazel, and are frequently mistaken for green. Due to spending so much time outside, Emily has sun spots dotted along the bridge of her nose and cheeks. She habitually smiles with her mouth closed since getting braces at the age of 13. A light scar runs across her right eyebrow (a mark she gained from a soccer-related injury).  - Lynn inherited Helen’s big blue eyes and her maternal grandmother’s heart-shaped face and lopsided grin. Her light blond hair darkens to golden brown in adolescence. Like her oldest sister, Lynn gets freckles easily, and her arms are dotted with little reminders of playing outside in the sun. Lynn’s dimples, nose, and chin bear more than a passing similiarity to Kate’s features. Interests and Hobbies:  - A classical music enthusiast, Emily is a member of the church choir, and a clarinetist in her school’s orchestra (second chair, much to her chagrin). She is a voracious reader and frequents the town library whenever she can which is very convenient when she wants to get out of the house. - Emily’s favorite novels are T.homas Hardy’s J.ude the Obscure, S.hirley Jackson’s H.angsaman, and G.illian Flynn’s G.one Girl. Books centering around domestic strife, the turmoil of womanhood, and the hypocrisy of the church or whitebread c.onservative A.mericana are things she takes comfort in. The aforementioned themes make her feel less alone in her own tumultuous home life. - Lynn is, of course, a horror movie enthusiast. While her access to sci-fi horror and psychological thrillers is carefully monitored by Kate (no blood-spattered gorefests for the ten year old) she’s well-versed in H.itchcock’s filmography, the first two films in the A.lien franchise, kitschy 50s B-movie horror, and early horror films like The C.abinet of Dr. C.aligari. At the age of 10, her favorite horror films are N.ight of the L.iving Dead and The T.hing from Another World. - Beyond horror movies, Lynn also loves astronomy, poring over star charts and online citizen science projects. - While Lynn’s sisters are classical music nerds, she herself finds classical boring, preferring her “nostalgia music” (AKA fa.ll out boy, p!atd, the k.illers, m.argot & the nuclear so and so’s, and mark li.nkous). - Of the three sisters, Emily is the most athletic; an avid soccer player, she is her team’s go-to central midfielder.  - While Lynn is active, she’s not much of a team player, and vehemently opposes joining a sports team. Skateboarding is her passion, and if she can’t do that? Catch her wandering into places where she really shouldn’t be.  Dreams:  - From the time she was in third grade, Lynn wanted to be an astronomer. Whether that pans out for her depends less on her drive and more on her family’s financial situation. She’s especially fascinated by stars and how their gravitational pull affects the orbit of surrounding stars and planets. - Emily aspires to be a juvenile defense attorney, specifically for marginalized children. While Emily is privileged by virtue of being white, cis, and wealthy, she is still at the mercy of her abusive mother and understands that many children have it worse than she. She’s adamant that kids in dire straits be given a fighting chance at freedom when confronted by a biased and punitive court system. Identity and Religion: - Emily identifies as cis female and straight. She was the first person that Kate ever came out to, and she accepted her sister completely (although with some curiosity about “what” being a lesbian entails, i.e.; “so you’re not attracted to boys? like at all?”) After some fumbling, Emily grows into allyship and becomes supportive of Kate, encouraging her older sister to imagine a life outside of the closet.  - Lynn identifies as cis female and bi, developing crushes on both boys and girls around middle school. Thanks to Kate’s coming out and (assuming she is alive) Emily’s supportive attitude, Lynn has little trouble accepting herself.  - Religion is a point where each sister diverges wildly from the other. Emily is an a.theist, and as staunch in her belief as Kate is in her faith in c.hristianity. In contrast, Lynn grapples with her faith for most of her adolescence, having believed as a child that an omniscient evil was real and that there was no all-powerful good to counter it. She bounces between agnosticism and theistic s.atanism (with lucifer as the “big good” to god’s “big evil”).  - Kate still loves and supports her siblings no matter what/who they choose to worship (or don’t). Physical Health: - Lynn and Kate were both born prematurely, Kate at 30 weeks and Lynn at 35 weeks. While Lynn suffered no adverse effects in the long-term, Kate later developed asthma. - Kate is the only one of her sisters to have an allergy (to peanuts) and a.sthma (childhood-onset, and currently in remission). - Emily is near-sighted and requires glasses to see at a distance. At the start of L.IS, she is currently making the case for her father to get her Ortho-k lenses to correct her (moderate) nearsightedness. Any post-L.IS verses set after a certain amount of time will see a glasses-free Emily (she still has to wear her corrective lenses at night, though). - Kate and Emily are both right-handed, whereas Lynn is left-handed. - Only Emily has had any kind of major surgery: an appendectomy in the sixth grade.  Mental Health:  - Lynn has ADHD (inattentive-type) and dyslexia. While Lynn is diagnosed with dyslexia in primary school, it takes several years for her to recieve a diagnosis of ADHD (at the age of 14). - Due to witnessing (and experiencing) physical, emotional, and verbal abuse from her mother, all of the girls develop PTSD. However, Emily differs from her sisters in that she suffers from chronic migraines, some of which are so debilitating that she has to lie down. - Emily also suffers from claustrophobia, a fear stemming from Kate hiding her sister in enclosed spaces when their mother grew physically abusive. She goes out of her way to avoid small spaces, up to and including taking several flights of stairs instead of an elevator. - All of the sisters suffer from depression, although Emily and Lynn both struggle with irritability. - Kate’s s.uicide attempt and (depending on the verse) the trauma of Emily’s death OR the severe beating that Kate sustains leads Lynn to develop a fear of abandonment. Lynn is thus hypersensitive to any perceived threat to herself or to her loved ones, and lashes out at the threat as a defense mechanism.

[sassysnowperson]

Tagged by the wonderful @pidgeonkatie, many thanks for giving me the opportunity to ramble! 

Author Name:

SassySnowperson on Ao3! Consistency in branding :) Well, I do have the one fic that I published under the pseud of K-2SO, because the idea of actually having that for the author name of a wildlife documentary with the conceit of K-2SO narrating it made me really happy. It still makes me happy. 

Fandoms You Write For:

I'd say like 95 percent of my stuff is Star Wars. Actually, you know what? Let's math this sucker. 

I have 107 works, and nine of them are NOT tagged with some sort of Star Wars tag. So that's…

About 92 percent Star Wars. I was close! For those of you that are curious, the non-Star Wars properties I've written are: Sailor Moon, Good Omens, MCU, Marvel, Captain Marvel, Russian Doll, Mummy/Wonder Woman (one fic, a crossover), and Leverage.

Where You Post:

Ao3 forever and always, sometimes I do ficlets on tumblr. 

Most Popular One-Shot:

By far and away, my most popular fic period is a one-shot, with nearly 5000 hits and 903 kudos, is my Captain Marvel Fic, Galactic Response Time. It's basically a missing-scene-style telling of all the ways Carol Danvers JUST missed the various major conflicts in the Avengers universe. Lots of Carol & Nick feels, with a hint of Carol/Maria, if you tilt your head right. 

Popular is an interesting thing, though. I wrote this fic...weeks after the movie came out? And I think I was one of the first to try to "Fill in the gaps" of that one. So it got enough early love that it's pretty high in the "rankings" of overall Captain Marvel fic - if you sort by kudos, it's in the middle of the second page. So, while it is a story I love and am proud of, it's also been a really interesting case study in what makes something big - right fandom, right time, and no small bit of luck. :)   

Most Popular Multi-Chapter Story:

And my most popular chaptered story, with 245 kudos, is Stone and Sand - my Bodhi/Luke everyone lives!AU, where Bodhi takes Luke back to Jedha, and they build something there. 

So, again, let's talk about popular. I went with kudos as the counter here, but this one may be more popular than my Captain Marvel fic in other ways - if I remember right, it's the first fic of mine that spawned fanart! I have SUCH good discussions in the comments! I picked up several readers who went back and read my other stuff! 

Favorite Story You Wrote:

Oh man, this is HARD. I love them all for different reasons. But I think I'm going to go with Better. It's a fic that really took a serious look at mental health recovery, but also how funny and tenacious and engaging people with Bad Brains can be. It's about how to support a friend even if you're kinda terrible at it, and how to find joy in not being perfect, but being better. 

Story You Were Nervous to Post:

Oh, Better for sure. I was VERY stressed I'd get it "wrong". More recently, my Good Omens fic, Life's Little Pleasures, was a scary post for me, because I really wanted to write a fic centered around two different character's experiences of asexuality, but also bring home the point that some ace folks still really enjoy sex. With the amount of ace exclusionists in fandom spaces, and the fact that I was posting in a popular space, I sort of figured that I'd get some backlash. 

Instead, I got so many REALLY lovely comments from sex-favorable ace folks that really felt seen, and from allo folks who felt it was true to the characters. The comments section on that fic is a joy to me, and I'm so grateful for everyone who reached out and told me that. :)  

How Do You Pick Your Titles:

I'm...pretty finicky about titles. 

Here's how my process goes: 

Is there a standout line in the fic that can be turned into a title? ("Better" is a line pulled directly from the fic)

What are the major themes running through the fics, can I make a reference to one of those? ("Stone and Sand" picks up on the fact that I am writing about two desert boys, in a desert place)

If there are more than one theme, can I find a title that references both? ("Arrivals, Departures, Connections" both hits the theme of AIRLINE STUFF and the fact that the fic is all about the people who enter your life, those that leave it, and all the different ways we connect with each other)

Can I find a title in line with the "feeling" of the fic? ("The Glorious Ascension of Emperor Solo" hits you with the unexpected twist of Solo, and sets up the comedy of the fic) 

And then if nothing obvious emerges after I look at those, I find my cheerleading buddy and ramble at their chat box until the fic title surfaces. Huge thanks to anyone who has ever patiently served that role.

Do You Outline:

At least in my head. If a story hits the point that I actually start WRITING it -  I generally know the start, and most of the major beats I want to hit, and the end. 

It's also what I do when I get stuck on a scene - outline it in more detail. 

How Many of Your Stories are complete:

Posted stories, all but one! The one I'm currently posting, specifically. Now, COULD I write more stories? Yes, absolutely, but the bits posted are complete stories on their own.

I have a few more outlines and incomplete stories sitting on my drive. Whether or not I write those…? We will see. 

In-Progress:

Arrivals, Departures, Connections, updating roughly weekly. 

Coming Soon:

More ADC, but as far as new fic goes…

THE STAR WARS RARE PAIR EXCHANGE IS COMING SOON ( @swrarepairson tumblr). So last year I spent most of October and November in a writing fugue state, and produced like...eleven fics for the exchange? I'm expecting something similar this year - but we shall see! 

Do You Accept Prompts:

Yes! But I'm very bad at filling all of them! So I've felt guilty about doing more prompt posts! 

I'm thinking of declaring askbox amnesty, though, and reopening up some prompt-style activities. Time to let the guilt go, let new creativity sneak in. 

Upcoming Story You’re the Most Excited For:

I'm excited for the development of Arrivals, Departures, Connections - I've got like...at least 60k written, and only 11k posted. I've nervecited (that's when you're feeling both nervous, and excited) to see how people enjoy the plot development of this fic. 

Tag Five Fanfic Authors to Answer These Questions:

@anamelesstraveler, @rain-sleet-snow, @cakesandfail, @brynnmclean, @bright-elen, I’d be delighted to know your answers to these, if you were so inclined as to do them.

[nothing-rhymes-with-anthony]

Joker (2019) Review

For my first blog to be written, I chose to review and dissect Todd Philips’ 2019 blockbuster, Joker. Joker is a fictitious origin story about the infamous “Joker” villain from the DC Batman comics. Philips’ film is set in a decaying metropolitan area in the early 1980′s known as Gotham City. The narrative follows the main character, Arthur Fleck (Joaquin Phoenix), and his slow decent into madness. I found the quiet and dark tone of the movie to be very fitting to the plot and intention. I also appreciated the close attention to artistic detail. Throughout the story, Arthur (who was constantly abused by the world he lived in and felt invisible) gradually realized being noticed and experiencing power was the closest thing to true happiness he could feel and sought after that feeling. In order to feel this, he grew a lust for murder, revenge, and sheer chaos. To further exhibit these feelings Arthur was craving, Phoenix would dance somewhat artistically when feeling power (ergo the iconic scene where he dances on the stairs). Many critics found the film to be dark and sickening, but as Amanda Greever states in The Daily Times, “[t]his isn’t a comic book movie, and it’s not a thriller. It’s a glimpse into a psychotic mind.” I feel many people (mainly mainstream critics) went into Joker expecting an average super hero movie, like that of the Avengers or Justice League, when, rather appropriately, the film centers around the dark and diseased mind of the villain. On the other hand, some critics, like Tessa Smith of Mama’s Geeky, believe “it has a very important message about mental illness.” Though the film does often highlight Arthur’s mental illness, I don’t see this as any sort of PSA about mental health awareness, rather just a demonstration of what motives compel a man to become so evil and twisted. It doesn’t portray him as a protagonist. Joker is more of a tragedy of a broken and lost man than it is a super hero movie. As Nicola Austin puts it in her review on We Have a Hulk, “It’s an affecting and upsetting experience, but that’s the point.” Joker is intended to invoke empathy for Arthur Fleck, not sympathy. Philips intended for the viewers to understand the mind of joker, not route for him. Through dark themes, powerful symbolism, artistic filming and angles, and a melancholy and solemn soundtrack, Joker not only brought a new medium to comic book films, but stood alone outside the comic world as a modern masterpiece shadowed by prior expectations.

Works Cited:

Austin, N. (2019, October 4). Joker review. Retrieved from https://wehaveahulk.co.uk/joker-review/.

Greever, A. (2019, October 9). Review: dark, joyless ‘Joker’ is not a comic book film in any sense. Retrieved from https://www.thedailytimes.com/columns/amanda_greever/review-dark-joyless-joker-is-not-a-comic-book-film/article_17f9ceac-2770-5e1f-8bdf-fe42f80d9390.html.

Smith, T. (2019, October 22). Joker review: why it is so important for the world to see. Retrieved from https://mamasgeeky.com/2019/10/joker-movie-review.html. 

[banglanotebook]

LANGUAGE LEARNING SCHEDULE

Hey babes!

So I realized that I probably need to try being a little more disciplined when it comes to learning Bangla and that I need to do more than just make daily word posts and I need to stop neglecting other forms of learning. To solve this I’ve devised a learning schedule that will touch on a different method of study every day! Most days will include different posts too, so this should diversify your feed so you can see all the different ways you can engage with Bangla (or any language, really), and it will motivate me to commit to practicing. Of course I may change things within the first few weeks just because this is new to me. And I may still have days where I slack of due to work and life things, so just keep this in mind. Otherwise I’ll try my hardest to adhere to this schedule. 

Each day will be centered around a different method of learning, either learning new concepts, immersing myself in the language, or practicing what I’ve learned. I want to try to use a variety of media so I get a well-rounded experience and sharpen my skills evenly. Below is my plan for the schedule so you know what to expect, and perhaps you can even adapt these habits yourself!

Rachel xxx

SUNDAY STUDIES

Sundays are for research and practice, which can be anything from using study cards to iron out last weeks kinks to studying a new topic. Sunday’s research may also result in lesson posts being prepared so I can explain the new things I learn. You can use Sundays to establish a theme for the week, such as practicing specific verbs for the week, or focusing on school-related conversation for the week. In a way, Sunday is a transitional day from the concepts of last week to fresh concepts for the upcoming week.

Goals/Ideas -Study trouble vocabulary -Go over rusty topics and old notes -Establish a goal/theme for the week -Research/study a new topic *Prepare/post new lessons, if applicable

MANGO MONDAY

Mondays are for practicing with the Mango app and making corresponding notes/posts for the new chapters I learn. There might be weeks where It’ll be more useful to cover old units instead of starting new ones. Monday is an easy day --app-led learning and focusing on common phrases.

Goals/Ideas -Learn a new Mango chapter -Brush up on old chapters -Learn common phrases *Make Mango posts

TRANSLATION TUESDAY

Tuesdays are for translating any interesting materials in my target language. This will provide exposure to different media --songs, dialogue, quotations, excerpts, etc.-- which can cover reading, writing, and listening. Translation is also a great way to challenge yourself by using the knowledge you’ve retained while also seeing where you have room to improve. Tuesdays are mentally challenging days to test your recall and comprehension in your target language.

Goals/Ideas -Translate from native language to target language -Translate from target language to native language -Get comfortable with different forms of media *Post translations (once confident, of course)

WORDY WEDNESDAY

Wednesdays are word-focused days for meaningful vocab building. Identify new words or trouble words (Tuesday might help point these out!) and try to practice using them. Some people may have a hard time with vocab, but I find I learn new words with ease so Wednesdays are easy days where I can learn and engage with new vocab.

Goals/Ideas -Focus on new or difficult words -Make vocab lists/flashcards and review them -Create examples using key vocab -Write journal entries using a vocab list/theme *Make “word of the day” posts for queue

IMMERSIVE THURSDAY

Thursdays are for exploring your target language through a variety of media so you get accustomed to reading, writing, and listening. You can rotate your media each week, or you can focus on what you feel needs work. Thursdays are creative or experimental days where you can play with your target language and practice using it.

Goals/Ideas -Watch films/TV -Converse (messaging or actually talking) -Read a book -Listen to music (and try to sing along!) -Write creative literature (poetry, a story, etc.) -Play a word game/puzzle *Post the chosen exercise for the day

FREE FRIDAY

Fridays are free days where you can take a break from exercises and learning for a day. Although, sometimes if you feel productive it wouldn’t hurt to do something if you feel up for it, just don’t feel like you have to! Fridays are mental health days so you don’t overload yourself.

Goals/Ideas -Relax! Enjoy your day off!

SATURDAY SUPPLEMENTS

Saturdays are for recapping information you’ve been exposed to throughout the week, and they are also good for strengthening your weak points. For example, verbs aren’t my strong suit right now, so on Saturdays I might spend time focusing on verb charts and practicing writing sentences. You might find your Saturdays will be a repeat of one of the other days of the week and that’s okay! Sometimes you need to spend more than one day on a concept! These are also days you can use to make up for a day you missed too. Saturdays are the miscellaneous days that give you an opportunity to focus on concepts that need attention.

Goals/Ideas -Study verb charts -Practice writing -Conversing in target language -Doing worksheets/puzzles -Do research on an area you need help with/are curious about -Ask a native speaker about things you need help with *Post the day’s language activity

Remember, if you run into trouble words or are confused about things throughout the week, write them down so you can take notes or make flashcards later! Also keep in mind that if you’re having a hard time, don’t feel bad doing minimal work. If you can’t do a whole vocab list on Wednesday, at least write down a new word on a flashcard. If you can’t watch a whole movie on Thursday, maybe listen to a song on your commute to work/school. Always try to do something, even if it’s small.

If anyone has any questions, ideas, or comments, please drop by my ask box or leave a comment!

[imitationpersonne]

Lotus: Talk about a struggle you overcame (or are currently overcoming). How did it affect you?

Cute Flower-themed Asks

He exhales after a moment and speaks in a voice both resigned and rueful.

“Yeah… I guess I could talk about that. Nobody’s really listening right now anyway, and I can only imagine my therapist would think this is good for me. Trying to put this sort of thing in words to somebody who isn’t her… It’s funny; no matter how many times I’ve had to talk about it in therapy by now, it’s still hard to get it all out. I say ‘it’ like it’s just one thing, but of course, if it were just a single issue, things wouldn’t be nearly so complicated.

“We’ve rifled through so many nuances at this point, I can hardly imagine where to start now. Perhaps it’s best I answer the question that’s always the first on others’ minds. I was the only one to disappear completely this past summer break, to not show up to a single extra-curricular training session that–let’s be honest–was basically mandatory if any of us expected to be able to keep up for the rest of third year. And I showed up an entire week late to the beginning of the next trimester at that. So where did I go?

“There were plenty of theories regarding what I could have possibly been up to, some especially unsavory ones considering I had recently made…many more enemies, some of them my old friends and classmates. …Unfortunately, some of those rumors just happened to hold the truth. Kendou was the only one who actually knew anything, though. But she’s a good friend; she only ever told anybody exactly what I asked her to. I went to France. It was…a family matter.

“If it could be considered a ‘family matter’ that the only reason my parents sent me so far away was because they wanted to be absolutely certain no one who knew us would discover our shame. My shame…I guess… You see, I’d gotten into a bad spot at school. I’d become so bitter… Nobody was living up to my expectations, yet I myself never seemed to get the admiration I deserved. I got so angry thinking everyone was gradually turning on me–losing interest or judging me unfairly or stabbing me in the back in favor of others–I went too far. My drive to ‘give them all what they deserved’ had begun to put not only my enemies but my old comrades in danger. I admit now I let them down–even though I swear I was the one who felt let down by all of them.

“I was assigned school-sponsored counseling sessions, but really, what was there to help me with if the problem was with everybody else? …It didn’t work out very well, so…in the end, school administration gave me an ultimatum. Take a break to spend the upcoming summer away in intensive ‘behavioral therapy’ or face suspension and possible expulsion from UA. So I went. (No, not that easily, but that doesn’t matter.) It wasn’t any real sort of choice, you know? So yeah, ha ha ha, Monoma really is crazy; he got pulled out of school and ‘locked up’ and everything! You see? How could I possibly tell anybody about this? Sometimes I can still only barely swallow it myself.

“Kendou only knew because I told her before I left, because…if the worst were to happen–if, for whatever reason, I were to never come back to UA–I needed somebody to understand what happened. Maybe it was silly, but…it’s terrifying to imagine being forgotten by absolutely everybody–for all the people who once knew me to just move on without me.

“So, I was banished to France. My mother’s an immigrant, and we’ve paid multiple visits and vacations to the country, so I suppose that was the first option to come to mind when my mother decided to expel me from my home country to distance my problems from her reputation. At least she had the benevolence not to spare expense for her dear wayward son.

“I hear it’s well-known for its ‘quality facilities and reliable treatment’. I promise I’ve only experienced the one, so my frame of reference for luxury mental health centers is limited. The way one of the other patients in my group described it, it was a ‘convenient place for rich parents to stick their kids when they were tired of dealing with them after fucking them up.’ Hah… She was a piece of work, honestly. But by the end, I don’t know if I could call her wrong…

“It’s not like there were actual crazy people. At least, they weren’t very crazy. Sure, there was a…frankly gorgeous boy–who saw things his quirk couldn’t account for and had stalked and threatened a few innocent people because he ‘knew’ they were criminals. (Hah, an aspiring hero, actually…) There was a girl who made a habit of hurting herself, who tried to get under everybody’s skin in the worst possible ways and ended up making all the people who passed through hate her, even though, I’m pretty sure she just secretly wanted to keep all of them there, with her. And there were plenty of others; every single one of them was different.

“But there was nobody wrapped up in straight jackets or tied to beds, no gowns or hospital-like sterility… It’s not at all like what you see in the movies, and I can’t say I was disappointed in the least with that discovery. That’s probably a different kind of place. Here though, it was mostly just…an assorted variety of unhappy ‘young adults’ without much hope or other place to go.

“That wasn’t me, though. I had plans; I was poised on the edge of fulfilling my dreams. I wasn’t some broken, lost reject reaching their dead end, and I had no intention of sticking around for long. I didn’t belong there, and I was determined to prove that. I knew I would be able to show them all this was clearly a misunderstanding, a mistake, and that I was fine.

“I admit I myself made some mistakes. I may or may not have broken a few (silly) rules more than once… I was angry and frustrated and bored and–… Well, I think Felix could probably be a whole story of his own. But looking back on it, I guess I can’t blame them for being unconvinced. It’s strange; it seems almost anything you thought was normal can look like mental illness when you’re already a patient. It was–… Sometimes I still can’t tell what’s okay and what isn’t.

“…In any case, after three weeks of things mostly being everybody else’s problem, they decided to keep me longer than the agreed-upon four. Which, finally, explains my absence for the first week of school. I was not pleased to hear this decision. I was so beyond displeased–didn’t even know that was on the table–that they could trap me there until they got what they wanted? And what was that exactly? Was I supposed to cry, admit to feeling hopeless, give them a sob story about my parents or confess to some flaw they could fix in me? It felt like I was being punished.

“I didn’t know what to do, but I had no choice but to try. I didn’t have time for anything else; UA would surely wait no longer. And do you know how hard it is to trust the people keeping you back from your life? These were the people who expected me to open up to them, the ones with the power to hold hostage everything I held dear. And what if I conceded the problems they were looking for? Wouldn’t that just prove I needed to stay longer? Being forced to expose yourself to the people looking to convict you… It’s such a trapped feeling, it could break a man.

“So I broke. …I don’t know… I said things, and the more I said, the more there was to look into. Eventually I said…a lot. Enough, I guess, to be shown a mirror, a framed reflection of myself and my life and the things that went on within it. And it was awful. The perspective was so off from what I was familiar with, it was almost unrecognizable. The things I was convinced–I knew must be normal, stupid unpleasant things that nobody talks about but everybody goes through and just has to get over– They’re not; they’re really bad–and I hated it. I still hate it so much–things I could have just ignored or forgotten about, now I can’t. Sometimes I just can’t stop thinking about it. And the realization, that I really am one of the broken people that belong here–facing the fact that I’m ruined, and I don’t feel like a whole person… The fact that there is no cure for all the things wrong with me; there’s no medication I can just take and make it all better, unlike some people; it’s just me; I’m stuck with all of this…

“… Sorry… I don’t think I’ve gotten through this still. If there was some happy ending I was supposed to receive by the end of my stay, I think I missed it. And I think it’s because, in the end, the administrators must have actually had ‘mercy’. It turns out they actually did care about me missing school and losing my opportunities…so it came down to a choice between my full recovery or my future. I must have made just enough ‘progress’ to be set free.

“Coming back has been hard in ways I didn’t know it could be. I actually am on medication now; though I’m pretty sure I didn’t have depression before… And I think the dose must still need adjusting.I’ve apologized to the people who deserved it, and of course, I’m still seeing a therapist… But I’m just so exhausted. Even after making up the week’s worth of missed work, it feels like I’m barely treading water, in school and…in general.

“I have some of my friends back, but I’m sure I’m not the same person to them. Somehow that’s not even a good thing. I just can’t seem to turn it all back on; it just feels so fake and falls apart. I can’t help but keep wondering if none of this should have happened in the first place. If I could just go back, forget I’ve ever learned anything, and just return to thinking the way I used to. I was okay–more okay than this, wasn’t I? Am I really looking forward to anything better? I didn’t have to know. –I know… I know living like that was toxic in so many other ways, that it wasn’t real, and I was hurting myself and other people. But my parents seem to be doing just fine operating the way they do, don’t they? If I could have made it work for me… –And what is real anyway? I don’t even know what makes sense anymore.

“This was the worst time something like this could have happened (though I can’t imagine what it would have been like saying what I did before I was eighteen; that could have been disastrous). Now, arguably the most important year, when I’m so close to graduation and supposed to be focusing on final internships and impressing prospective agencies the most… There’s just no time for any of this, and I can’t…

“I’m worried I left too early.I never want to go back there, but at the same time, I’m terrified I might need to… But at this point, it would ruin everything; I simply can’t. So I’m just doing my best; all I can do is my best and hope that it gets better.

“…Thanks for listening.”

[argentdandelion]

Cross-Fandom Analysis: Lord Shen and W.D. Gaster

Introduction

On Easter 2018, I watched Kung Fu Panda 2. It was on this watching that I felt bad for Lord Shen, the villain of the film. I think I felt bad for him on this viewing, and not when I originally watched it in a theater in 2011, due to greater experience in analyzing characters' motives, greater empathy for (well-written) villainous characters, and, perhaps, realizing I admired him (or, rather, parts of him) beyond just being a "cool villain".

(The analysis below is 1,264 words. If the reader is already very familiar with Kung Fu Panda 2 and Handplates, the reader may want to skip to "Paralells Between the Two".)

Lord Shen Description W.D. Gaster Description Parallels Between the Two Doomed to be Unhappy (and Maybe Dead)

Lord Shen and Gaster Descriptions

Lord Shen Description

As a child, Lord Shen turned his parents' joyous invention of fireworks into something terrible: gunpowder. His parents, terrified by his invention's destructive potential and Shen's ambition, consulted a soothsayer. The soothsayer said that, if Shen continued on an evil path, he would be stopped by "a warrior of black and white".

Overhearing this, Shen figured this meant a panda would stop him, and set out to kill all the pandas. He later returns, believing himself successful in his goal. He tells his parents what he has done, expecting them to be proud of him. Understandably, they were instead horrified. They sent Shen into exile, though it broke their hearts to do so, and it's suggested this was their cause of death.

Years later, he returns to his home city with a cannon: a refinement of his invention and a superweapon in an era of kung fu. He kills a kung fu master his parents put in charge and takes over the city. He even replaces the throne, which he once played next to as a child, with one of his prized cannons.

Over the course of the movie, Po (a panda that had survived Shen’s extermination attempt as a baby) journeys to the city to stop Shen’s plot. When Shen commands his forces to attack Po with cannons in the film's climax, Po deflects the cannonballs back at the attackers with a sort of mystical aikido.

Afterward, Shen, apparently projecting his own issues onto Po, asks how he could deal with the emotional scarring of not having (loving) parents. In the end, Shen doesn't reform. Instead, he seems to conclude he can never be happy: when one of his cannons is set to fall onto and crush him, he doesn’t evade it (despite being quite capable of it) and closes his eyes, as if accepting his fate.

W.D. Gaster Description (Minor details of the Undertale backstory are clarified in accordance with *Handplates canon)*

When a child, W.D. Gaster's family had been all killed by humans in the first war of humans and monsters. While he had Asgore and Toriel as parental figures afterward, his family's fate (and the culpability he believed he had in it) weighed heavily on his psyche.

Humans sealed the few surviving monsters underground with a magic spell. This spell, the Barrier, was so strong it required a power equivalent to seven human SOULs to break. After his son was killed by humans, Asgore declared war on humanity in revenge, stating that all humans who fall underground would be killed. However, he soon came to deeply regret it. Though he breaks his heart to kill the humans that fall into the Underground, he believes he cannot take back his declaration of war.

Gaster, hoping to soothe Asgore's suffering somehow, aimed to create "living tools" by cutting out chunks of bone from his hands with a laser. (a very painful process) With these "living tools", he would perform basic research needed to figure out how to break or bypass the Barrier.

Unexpectedly, these "living tools" grew into sentient skeleton children: Sans (or as he calls him, 1-S) and Papyrus (2-P). Though no sadist, Gaster believed "foolish sentimentality gets people killed", and he felt he had no choice but to continue with his original plans of potentially very painful experiments on his "living tools".

Much of Handplates focuses on the resulting suffering and trauma of the "mad science torture dungeon" of Gaster's lab. Though Gaster's mental (and even physical) health deteriorates because of his single-minded focus on the often torturous experiments, he believes he has no choice but to continue.

In the end, he dies something like Shen: aimless, very alone, and laid low by an inability to progress on his goals. Sans, seeking to kill Gaster for all his cruelty, pushes him into the magical vortex of the CORE, a magical geothermal power plant and his invention. He is consequently lost, erased from reality and forgotten by all, with reality itself filling in the gaps.

Parallels Between the Two

While the motives of Gaster and Shen aren't quite the same, they have similar personalities. Their ambition is not, in itself, evil, but their drive to do something great (Shen and his gunpowder, Gaster and bypassing the barrier) motivated them to disregard things that got in the way---and sometimes, those things were morals.

Neither one, in the end, are killed by the hero, but instead by their own creation. Shen’s cannon falls on him. Gaster is pushed into the CORE, something he made, by Sans, also something he made, and this is a fate that could have been averted had he bothered to have safety rails installed.

The motives of both seem linked to their childhood experiences, and need for parental love and approval.

Shen's desire for his parents to be proud of him shows they're important to him, but they also don't seem to care that much for him. Though exiling their son was the most merciful thing they could do after he tried to kill off all pandas, had they done something to make him feel loved and show they were proud of him before then, he would have no motive to do it.

Similarly, Gaster clearly cares a lot about his original skeleton family, though from what little is shown they seemed neglectful and emotionally unavailable. He tortures Sans and Papyrus in his mad-science torture dungeon at least originally in the hope of helping all monsterkind, but mostly for the sake of a parental figure, Asgore.

Doomed to be Unhappy (and Maybe Dead)

There are parts of their characters that I pity, and parts I even admire.

Shen’s desire for greatness, ability to act upon it, and persistence are things I like. He is also an expert in tactics, and good at improvising when the heroes don’t act according to plan.

Gaster’s drive----one could even say it’s single-minded---to bypass the barrier, even though he knows it’s difficult and has no clue how to do it, is something I admire. I admire his great intelligence (as arrogant as he is about it), even though it doesn't seem to help him bypass the barrier, as he never gets closer to his goal.

These good things---virtues, one could say---are unfortunately misapplied in such a way it only makes those around them (and themselves!) miserable.

Though I feel bad for both Shen and Gaster, the two are essentially doomed to be, at best, unhappy.

Shen will never get his parents’ approval, as they are dead by the beginning of the movie. As the Soothsayer asks: when will he be happy? When he conquers all of China?

As much as he likes to act otherwise, his torture of sentient beings and the ethical scrutiny of said beings has an emotional toll on Gaster, so severe it even affects his physical health. If Gaster goes the “Dadster” route, he’ll still be unhappy because he’ll hate himself for his “cowardice”, the barrier is no closer to being broken, and a human might still come down and kill them all anyway.

Both Gaster and Shen had many choices to stop; for the former, it is especially obvious because of little sub-AUs and the recurring theme of Undertale of different “timelines” splitting off from one’s actions. Yet neither took those chances.

I feel bad for them, for all their suffering and helplessness, and yet...their villainy was no accident. They deserve their fates, not just morally but as a direct consequence of their actions.

[koravelliumavast]

Welcome to half tired Maggie posts where I ramble on about something stupid at 1 am while my phone is slowly dying. This might become a regular thing idk.

This post is brought to you by Maggies impossibly high standards for growing up in a county of about 8,000 people and having a graduating class of 61.

I want them to listen to me rambling about my special interests or really just anything and not ignore it but like intently listen lovingly.

I want them to be perfectly fine with me messing with their hair

Which means they need to have longer or just fluffy hair or something and not like a shaved head

Be perfectly fine with my penchant to accidently ghost people

And my problem of using big words and also misspelling a very simple word in the same phrase unknowingly

Now they don’t have to be a reader but oh would it it be so great if they were

Or even if they aren’t a reader when we meet they agree to at least look at one of my favorite books (I’d be reasonable and give them like Mistborn or something)

I really want them not to drive the most white boy truck ever. No crazy lifts or big ass tailpipes or other things they do. I’m not a car person

To be ok with my wild music taste as in the last day alone I have listened to a fnaf song (yes i know) a cover of a Simon and Garfunkel song by Gerard way, an orchestral cover of a Beatles song, Taylor swift, and more. It’s such a diverse and weird taste that I can’t explain it

To respect my boundaries. This is a big one. If I don’t feel like talking verbally i most likely won’t talk and I want someone who will be ok with it and not be like girl wtf.

Another thing with that is with touch. Im not one for tight and suffocating hugs or people playing with my hair unannounced. However I am perfectly fine with holding hands and other less full body contact things. And if I fall asleep around them I want to know that I won’t wake up in a bad situation. This one is super important as I do not fall asleep around just anyone.

I may hate hugs but I do love to be cuddled.

For them to be alright with my mental health issues and accept them as part of me.

I don’t like lots of attention to be drawn to me but I do also like being the center of attention at times.

I don’t always need to be out first. In fact indont WANT to be put first. I will always put others before me and it’s kind of a problem.

For them to be patient with me as I am stupid in terms of any sport except for tennis and cross country and track.

I want to let myself be comfortable enough around them that I don’t need to be masking.

If it gets to a point where I explain why for me sex isn’t an integral part of a relationship for me and currently I’m not in any mind to want to have kids and for them to respect my wishes and not be super wierd about it

To be there when I need them to be but also letting me be there for them.

To not be disgusted by pigs. I’m sorry but I raise them and if you don’t like livestock in general than you have got to go because I will definitely be showing you pictures of the litters when they’re born. As they are adorable.

For them to be comfortable enough with me that they don’t need to have a guard up and they can just be themselves without having to worry about being a perfect partner. It’s ok to show emotion.

For them to know THEIR boundaries so I know if I’m crossing a line.

To be perfectly alright with my sometimes issue of grasping social cues and not getting all annoyed about it.

Honestly to be a friend first and a partner second.

I don’t want them to put others down for their weight.

Just in general don’t be a fucking asshole. Don’t be homophobic or fatphobic or sexist or racist or anything

And finally I want someone who is willing to go out and have a good time at a theme Park or something yet also is just as happy staying in and watching a movie or wandering a bookstore or going out to the middle of nowhere and watching the stars or even just playing sports toghether. I would LOVE for another person to play tennis with.

Also finally part 2. To not be freaked out over my comfort stuffed animal as it is a care bear wish bear

Actually I just learned that it’s bedtime bear and it’s from 1983. Shit this is old wtf and valuable(?)

[queermediastudies]

Identity Crisis: I am Michael

I am Michael attempts to tell the true story of Michael Glatze, a former LGBTQ activist and author, who denounces his homosexuality to embrace religion, announces his heterosexuality, and ultimately becomes an evangelical church pastor. While the film is ambitious in it’s attempt to tap into larger conversations about issues of queer identity and acceptance, rooted in homophobia and heteronormativity, instead of confronting these problematic areas, I am Michael arguably only poses new questions. The film simultaneously fails to provide a contextual framing or social commentary, and lacks the nuance of queer lives and experience. This film review considers some of the problematic representations in I am Michael, and argues that it’s most successful aspect of is the way in which it functions as a transmedia object, and creates new meanings as part of a larger queer history.

Identity and identity politics, and the issue of acceptance, are the key themes present in I am Michael. Andersson writes that identity is constructed through “points of identification,” and may be thought of as a “production,” rather than “‘an already accomplished fact,’” which is “‘always in process and always constituted within, not outside, representation’”(Andersson, 2002). Yet, instead identification is often constructed through “classificatory systems,” and “this classifying is done through the use of binary oppositions”(Andersson, 2002).

The representation of sexual identity as binary, that is homosexual and heterosexual, is evident in the juxtaposition presented in the opening scenes of the film. The opening scene may be describes as jarring. A clean-cut James Franco, who hardly resembles himself (as the actor) sits with a young man, probably a teenager. Michael (Franco) begins with “Hi. I’m Michael,” and explains that there is no such thing as “gay,” because it is “a false identity.” The screen abruptly fades to black, and the text “Ten Years Earlier, San Francisco,” flashes the viewer back in time. These abrupt transitions function to punctuate the film throughout, and conceptually or symbolically visualize the fragmented, compartmentalized nature of Michael’s life and identities. Establishing shots of the Castro district, bustling with life, starkly juxtapose the sterility of the opening scene. This contrast is evidenced when a bleach-blonde, long-haired Michael is seen waking up, naked, in bed with his boyfriend, Bennett. The audience is now aware that this visual image represent Michael’s gay identity. A binary of representation, that is heterosexual and homosexual, is created within the first five minutes of the film.

The film revolves around the character of Michael, and traces the majority of his relationship with Bennett (and their third live-in boyfriend, Tyler), that coincides with Michael’s spiral into mental illness and then religion, that ultimately leads to his announcement of himself as “ex-gay.” Using a mixture of voice-over narration, the action of the film centers around Michael’s journey, as first an activist and author who worked as an editor of two gay magazines, XY and YGA, then travelling across the country to interview LGBTQ youth for the documentary, Jim in Bold. It is on this journey, that Michael encounters a student on a college campus who identifies himself as gay and a christian. Here, the film changes in tone, Michael is contemplative, quiet, moody; several scenes show him looking up at the sky into the light, and trees. Michael, dealing with the grief of losing both of his parents at a young age, is obsessed with the notion of seeing his parents again in heaven, everlasting life. He begins ingesting religious material, the bible, evangelical tracts, websites, etc. When Bennett questions, even laughs at this content, Michael defends and justifies his new faith, and becomes angry. Grief coupled with mental illness is a prominent factor in this story, and the film shows Michael’s actions to be motivated because of confusion and magical thinking mixed with religious dogma/ideology his is discovering. He descends into a dark place, isolating himself, and the film appears to visually represent the untreated mental illness, along with the internalized homophobia and self-loathing, that informed Michael’s experience at this time. His condition culminates when he imagines a hypochondrial health scenario: he is convinced that he has the heart disease that killed his father. After receiving test results from a specialist that confirmed he is healthy, Michael no longer believes he is dying. He says, “Thank you God,” and believes this miraculous news to be a sign, and buys a Bible. Michael is further introduced to religion after being invited to a Latter Day Saints (LDS) church service. Then, Michael writes the infamous blog where he says, “I no longer identify as gay.” Around this time, he leaves his boyfriend(s), and becomes involved with a Buddhist community, introduced by a man named Nico, who tries to help Michael with meditation, and Buddhist principles. Nico and Michael become lovers, even as Michael is hypocritically spouting homophobic and hateful (not to mention, dishonest!) rhetoric in online forums and interviews. He is asked to leave the Buddhist community, and here Michael’s beliefs evolve to an even further extreme, as he begins to believe that in order to be with his mother and father in heaven, he therefore cannot be gay. Michael’s voice over explains that he was a “Heterosexual person with a homosexual problem.” In the last part of the film, we see Michael become even more extreme, and move to Wyoming to attend an a bible college. Visually, his character resembles the clean-cut “heterosexual” representation of Michael from the beginning of the film. Here he meets his wife, Rebecca, and together, they identify and push-back on the fear-mongering directives being taught. In the final scene, we see a church building exterior, with a sign that says “Welcome Pastor Michael Glatze.” Michael plays piano, and Rebecca (now his wife) sits beside him on the piano bench, overlooking the empty pews. Few dialogue is spoken until she tells him, “they’re coming,” and the congregation is heard entering the building. The congregation is never seen by the audience however, as the final moments of the film cut back and forth to tight shots of Michael and Rebecca's faces. The audience sees Michael, at first smiling and confident, suddenly appear deflated, depressed, ashamed, afraid; Rebecca is staring intently at him, and seems to finally realize who Michael really is, a “true” identity. Finally, Michael’s brow becomes furrowed, he is downcast, and begins breathing heavily, and clutching his heart...as he did before the “miracle” test results. The screen abruptly fades to black for the last time, and as the credits begin to roll, the audience is left wondering, how much of Michael’s journey was the result of mental illness, and not about “conversion,” religion, or sexuality and identity, at all?

Problematic Representation

While this film perpetuates a range of potentially problematic representations of queer experience, the lack of nuance is especially significant. This story is complex, and deals with huge issues of mental illness that are largely unnamed in the film. It is also arguably dangerous, as the lack of framing, social context and significance makes the film a borderline promotion of gay conversion and the ex-gay movement).

A critical portion of the plot of this film revolves around acceptance. As Michael’s character changes, it becomes clear that he not only desperately needs acceptance from his sister, Nico, and his new religion (maybe even his ex-boyfriend), but ultimately he needs acceptance from (his conception of) god. No other acceptance is good enough or will do, because Michael needs divine acceptance. Walters explores acceptance as an exclusionary trope while critically analysing the liberal concept of tolerance as a practice, and identifies acceptance as, “the handmaiden of tolerance” (Walters, 2015).   Walters argues that tolerance and acceptance are “...both inadequate and even dangerous modes for accessing real social inclusion and change...the ‘accept us’ agenda shows up both in everyday forms of popular culture and in the broader national discourse on rights and belonging...accept us because we’re just like you; accept us because we’re all God’s children....accept us because then you can save us from our own self-hatred and vanquish homophobia in the process” (Walters, 2015). This obsession with acceptance, arguably an internalization of homophobia and self-loathing, manifests in a scene where Michael is seen repeatedly reciting and memorizing a passage from the Book of Mormon: “...prove what is the good, acceptable and perfect will of god.”

I am Michael also presents the protagonist's gayness as a personal problem or issue to be overcome. Dow describes the representation of such queer television and film characters  who “...are never ‘incidentally’ gay; they appeared in episodes or movies in which their sexuality was ‘the problem’ to be solved” (Dow, 2001). Additionally, while the story begins with Michael represented as a political activist, the story becomes strictly personal, as the political context and consequences of his public ‘coming out’ as heterosexual, are largely omitted from the film. This is what Dow calls the “personalizing of sexuality,” wherein a “neat turning of the potentially political into the personal” (Dow, 2001).

While I am Michael avoids the stereotypical trope of sexlessness and shows representations of sexual encounters, the film may overcompensate, and create new stereotypes, as it represents gay men as polyamorous and somewhat promiscuous. Additionally, while I am Michael was not a mainstream commercial or critical success, while other films that have been called “sexless” (such as Moonlight) have received critical acclaim and Academy Awards. Lodge argues that Moonlight’s representation of “a gay romance with non on-screen sexual activity beyond an unseen handjob,” is the reason it was “rewarded with major releases and prominent publicity” (Lodge, 2017). This leads the viewer to question, does the omission of the representation of gay sexuality equal a successful mainstream queer film? Was I am Michael less commercially/critically successful because it showed sexual encounters?

Critique

Queer film study is defined as the exploration and cultural analysis of queer film in the tradition of queer theory, that “posits sexuality is a vast and complex terrain that encompasses not just personal orientation and/or behavior, but also the social, cultural, and historical factors that define and create the conditions for such orientations and behaviors. As such, queer theory rejects essentialist or biological notions of gender and sexuality, and sees them instead as fluid and socially constructed positionalities...”(Benshoff and Griffin, 2004). The representation of sexuality in I am Michael is also problematic, because it both keeps and breaks with the trajectory of Queer cinema. On one hand, the film continues with this tradition that “often questions essentialist models of sexual identity, and frequently shows how the terms ‘gay’ and ‘lesbian’ are inadequate when trying to define actual human experience,” by presenting a journey that could be interpreted as sexual fluidity (Benshoff and Griffin, 2004). On the other hand, this film does not “explore sexuality in relation to gender, race, class, age, etc.--in order to show how other discourses of social difference inflect our understanding of sexuality” (Benshoff and Griffin, 2004). That is, I am Michael suffers from an ideology of whiteness, and ignores matters of gender altogether. How would Michael’s journey have been different if he was not a white male? Does his agency, or ability to move between hetero and homosexual communities reveal inherent privilege? In this regard, can I am Michael even be called a queer film?

Finally, while the queer representation in this film is disappointing, I argue that I am Michael functions successfully as a transmedia object, wherein the representation of queer identities is more realistic and intersectional. Transmedia objects may be defined as themselves cultural texts, “supplemented with other media,” and “remediating and spreading consumable texts across media platforms”  (Marwick et. al, 2014) This distinctive practice that “invites different opportunities for identification and communication with present and distant others,” is evidenced in the short documentary film, Michael Lost and Found, a poignant response to the feature film by the real-life characters (Marwick et. al, 2014). Additionally, the documentary represented in the film, Jim in Bold, presents a rich representation of the non-homogenous nature of the queer community, and features intersectional identities including queer women, and queer persons of color. While the story depicted in the film occurred largely without the presence of the internet, Michael’s infamous blog and online interviews, the XY Survival Guide, along with back issues of YGA and XY magazines (available for purchase on E-Bay), function across multiple platforms. The additional real-life media implied and represented in the film, and occurring before and in response to its release is also arguably more entertaining, and has significance to queer history.

As a queer scholar, feminist, and lesbian, my cynicism about the whiteness and maleness of this queer film, is obviously related to my own subject position. However, I think it is also important to understand this story in time, connected to my own subject position. Similar to Michael, myself, and friends slightly older, belong to a generation on the cusp of Generation Y and Millennials, what I will call, The Matthew Shepard Generation. This pre-millennial, or older cusp had a different experience than youth today. While we did not have to deal with the decades of oppression that preceded us, it was understood that we lived in a time and place (especially in rural small towns) wherein it was not acceptable to be openly gay. In a scene in the film, Michael is driving around the streets of his hometown of Olympia, Washington. He remarks how strange it is to be back in this place, where he “wasn’t gay,” explaining, “I couldn’t be gay here.” I definitely related to this portion of the film. As the middle sibling between the queer activism of the late 60s into the 80s and 90s, and our contemporary queer culture, this transitional time period around the turn of the century, featured in many of the biographical narratives/interviews in the documentary, Jim in Bold, are important to queer history. Through this negotiated queer reading, I am Michael has the potential to create new meaning, across multiple platforms, as a transmedia object.

***As a side note: queer appropriation has become a problematic pattern for actor, James Franco. As an undergraduate, I wrote about Franco’s personal appropriation of queer and drag culture, in an Art and Gender course. While this issue is not included in this discussion, this is an interesting topic for further consideration.

Bibliography

Andersson, Y. (2002). “Queer Media?: Or; What Has Queer Theory to do with Media Studies?” IAMCR, 1-10.

Benshoff, H. and Griffin, S. (2004). “Introduction.” Queer Cinema, The Film Reader. NY and London: Routledge.

Dow, B. (2001). Ellen, Television, and the politics of Gay and Lesbian Visibility. Critical Studies in Media Communication, 18:2, 123-140.

Lodge, G. (2016). “Does Moonlight show gay cinema has to be sexless to succeed?” The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/jan/05/does-moonlight-prove-that-gay-cinema-has-to-be-sexless-to-succeed.

Marwick, A., Gray, M. L. & Ananny, M. (2014). “‘Dolphins Are Just Gay Sharks’: Glee and the Queer Case of Transmedia as Text and Object.” Television & New Media 15(7), 627–647.

Walters, S. D. (2014) “Introduction: That’s so Gay! (Or is it!?)” in The Tolerance Trap: How God, Genes, and Good Intentions are Sabotaging Gay Equality. NY: NYU Press.

[donveinot]

Journeys in Paganistan (Part 1)

Image by Rafael Javier from Pixabay Editor’s Note: Occult themes abound in children’s literature, on television shows, and in the movies. The entertainment industry has made a handsome profit in selling the supernatural. But as this article by Carl Teichrib demonstrates, there is a reality beyond books and TV screens – a spiritual worldview that honors creation over the Creator. Is a new Pagan age dawning? It appears so. The conference room quickly filled. Already the first day of workshops had wrapped up, and a strange combination of giddy anticipation and serious intentionality was in the air. Greetings and hugs were shared; old friends reconnected, and newcomers were welcomed with nods and smiles. People were visibly excited, for the next hour would be the event’s official opening, a highly charged movement to set the tone for the weekend convention. The room was devoid of chairs, and so the crowd gathered three-and-four deep along the edges, clapping and moving to the sound of inviting rhythms. The center area, however, remained free of attendees, yet it held a focal point: a draped table with seven pillar-candles, a vase, and a large bowl. When things finally settled down, it was explained that what we beheld in the middle was a well, and we were all encouraged to add water to it as we felt lead. This gathering, we were told, was a sacred grove – we were the trees, mystically connected through branches and root. A witch stepped forward, and wand-in-hand she walked around the well, casting a magic circle. Same Yet Different In a hotel conference building in a Minneapolis suburb, amongst the public patrons lodging in this same establishment, a unique gathering took place from March 22-24, 2019. It was the ninth annual Paganicon, a convergence of Witches and Wiccans, Druids, Heathens, Satanists and Luciferians – an eclectic representation of the modern Pagan revival. On Friday morning, before the event began, I asked at the sign-in desk how many were expected; approximately 800 were registered. This was not my first time at Paganicon, the regional conference for the homeland of Paganistan, the affectionate name given by local Pagans for the Twin Cities metro-region. In 2017 I attended for research purposes (see chapter 7 in my book, Game of Gods), and now, two years later, returned to keep current with what was happening in the growing Pagan community. Of special interest was the broad acceptance of Satanism. But hold on, you might be thinking, Satanism and Paganism – isn’t this one and the same? Yes and no. Yes, in that Christians recognize there is, ultimately, no Biblical difference. The ruler of this world (John 12:31), also known as the deceiver, “that serpent of old, called the Devil and Satan” (Revelation 12:9), is the one who tempted in the beginning (Genesis 3:1-5). As the father of lies (John 8:44) who transforms himself into an “angel of light” (2 Corinthians 11:14), Satan is the originator of the first deception, that the creation – Adam and Eve – can be on par with the Creator (Genesis 3:5). This ruse is expanded in the book of Romans, that when we exchange the truth of God for the lie, “we worship and serve the creature rather than the Creator” (Romans 1:25). Granting nature a status of Divinity is the heartbeat of Paganism. Indeed, if I’ve heard one thing from the Pagan community, it is this; we are a religion of nature. Such is the core of Oneness – that God, Man and Nature are essentially the same, which is the opposite of the Biblical worldview – that God is creator, and everything else the creation. No, in that within the Pagan world there are differences in teachings, rituals, and understandings of deities and supernatural entities. For example, when comparing Gardnerian Wicca with Asatru Heathenry, one finds profound distinctions within beliefs and practices. Both are religious movements within the context of neo-Paganism, yet have teachings unique to their own paths. Likewise with Satanism. Interestingly, the Apostle Paul inferred structures and divisions within the supernatural realm, “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand” (Ephesians 6:11-13). Powers and principalities… this thought struck me as I watched the opening ritual unfold, listening as deities and goddesses were invoked. Listening and Learning As a Christian researcher my primary task is to listen and observe, take notes, and consider how a particular movement is shaping and/or reflecting our times. This includes trying to understand its challenges and issues, and how it views itself in relationship to society – points of contact, and visions of tomorrow. This is what I do when attending any research function, be it an interfaith forum like the Parliament of the World’s Religions, a world government meeting, a transhumanist conference, or a culture-transforming event like Burning Man. During my three days at Paganicon I attended twelve workshops, lectures, and group discussions. Here are some of titles and notes of interest, Blasphemy as a Healing Tool: A Satanist from the Twin Cities opened this talk with a confession; she had no Bibles with her. As it was explained, she normally starts her presentations by tearing up a Holy Bible, standing on its shredded pages, and inviting others to come forth and do likewise. Bibles had been ordered for this workshop but they hadn’t arrived, and she wasn’t able to check into her hotel room yet, so she couldn’t take a copy from there. Her Bible destroying routine wouldn’t be happening. Acts of blasphemy, she elaborated, are more than just a personal slap to the Christian faith; it is her service to the community. Have you been wounded by a church? Do you despise Christianity? Her answer for personal healing is expressions of apostasy and blasphemy. For example, if a formally identified Christian wanted to sever ties to a church, she would draft an official letter of apostasy on his or her behalf. Overt acts of blasphemy were encouraged in conjunction with the notice. What hit me was this: no one has a monopoly on hurting others or being hurt, Christians included – a sad reminder of humanity’s fallen nature – but in hearing her acts of blasphemy, it began to sound less purposeful, and more petulant. Here’s a sober question. Certainly you felt uneasy about shredding Bibles, but did it bother you when I mentioned individuals leaving the Christian faith? This workshop reinforced something I would hear more than once; that many who formerly identified as Christians now follow Pagan paths. For example, during a Saturday panel the question was raised as to which religious affiliations people held before joining the ranks of neo-Pagans: Methodists, Baptists, Lutherans, Catholics, Presbyterians, Pentecostals, Orthodox, and Missionary. Heads around the room nodded in affirmation. In fact, it was acknowledged that a relatively new movement was being born, Christo-paganism – an intentional cross-pollination of Christian teachings with Pagan practices and beliefs. But a form of this has already been happening. Today many churches extol God’s goodness, preach a message of peace, and bend to the world in advancing deep-green causes. In the United Church of Canada hymnal, More Voices, there’s a song to the Greek Goddess of Earth, O Beautiful Gaia. In the Mennonite Central Committee’s publication, Earth Trek, there’s an appeal – bold in the original – that reads: “This week, make an offering to the Earth, in the form of a prayer or some other gift.” Is this not paganism? It certainly fits Romans 1:25, “serving the creature rather than the Creator.” Is this not a form of blasphemy in its own rite? Discernment for Magickal Folks: This was an intriguing presentation, wrestling with the question: how is spiritual discernment exercised? For Christians, we turn to Deuteronomy 18 with its warning not to engage in occult practices, and we look to 1 John 4:1-6 with its testing of the spirits against the Gnostic message. Other examples include how Jesus Christ handled demonic situations, the authority of God used by the Apostles in similar settings, and the Early Church’s reliance on the power of the Holy Spirit. In other words, there is a robust Biblical framework we draw from – including the assurance that our soul is secure, that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:31-39). For the Pagan world, which does have spiritual manifestations – invited possessions, entity visitations, and unusual experiences – the question of discernment hangs in the air. It boils down to personal evaluation, we were told, and to aid in this process a worksheet with sample questions was handed out, “Who am I interacting with? Specific Goddex, spirit, my own subconscious, the dead? Who did I perform magic for?... What did I feel/see… what did I want?... Where was I physically… mentally/spiritually? Where did I perform the magic, and for what reason?” It was noted that Pagans are prone to a lack of discernment, as the quest for spiritual experiences often outweighs cautionary factors. There is an addictive quality too, it was said, with a reminder that supernatural encounters can be manipulative. We were warned that if the “inner voice changes” it may be an outside entity probing inward. Furthermore, if negative experiences are causing fear and anxiety, then participants were encouraged to seek counseling and therapy. Hotline telephone numbers for suicide prevention and mental health were printed on our worksheets.(Part 2 next week)Ω

Carl Teichrib is a researcher, writer, and lecturer focusing on the paradigm shift sweeping the Western world, including the challenges and opportunities faced by Christians. Over the years he has attended a range of internationally significant political, religious, and social events in his quest to understand the historical and contemporary forces of transformation – including the Parliament of the Worlds Religions, Burning Man, and the United Nations Millennium Forum. Since the mid-1990s, Carl’s research has been utilized by numerous authors, media hosts and documentary producers, pastors, professors and students, and interested lay people. From 2007 until the end of 2015, he edited a monthly web-based magazine, Forcing Change, documenting and detailing the worldview revolution underway – points of pressure, forces of change.

Available Online He frequently speaks to church groups, in conference settings, and occasionally teaches a modular course on Secular/Pagan Trends at Millar College of the Bible. Carl’s book, Game of Gods: The Temple of Man in the Age of Re-Enchantment, was released in October 2018. You can find him online at: Game of Gods: The Temple of Man in the Age of Re-Enchantment © 2020, Midwest Christian Outreach, Inc All rights reserved. Excerpts and links may be used if full and clear credit is given with specific direction to the original content. Read the full article