#then sure id do it easy
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My hatred of beans is the main reason I can never go vegetarian/vegan. They’re so good for you and the perfect protein source but I can’t stand the texture. That soft texture skeeves me out for some reason. Meat isn’t soft; it’s not tough (or shouldn’t be) but it’s not soft. So as a substitute, it sucks because when I bite into it it doesn’t satisfy the way biting into meat does.
Nom nom animals taste good lol.
#when I see ppl try to replicate things like mushrooms or beans or stuff to have a meaty texture#I just think it’s too much effort for one meal#if I didn’t have to work for a living and had all the wealth and my dream kitchen with all the appliances and tools in the world#then sure id do it easy#I’d be a vegan like Tabitha brown#but I’m not putting that pressure on myself when I’m still trying to figure out how to pay rent on my own lol#vegans need to tackle our capitalist system if they want more ppl to go vegan#simply put#it’s not a personal moral failing#our society makes it insanely difficult for the average person
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happy birthday king 🐷👑
#Technoblade25#technoblade#fanart#my art#portraits#this one was tough :(#i have a lot of feelings but not a lot of words :( idk#i hope everyones doing well today <3 make sure to take it easy and send technodad lots of love#ref from his college id photoshoot video on the Mister Technodad yt channel
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so like do you think they made the plastic wheelchair ALONGSIDE the plastic prison as a Just In Case situation, only after they realized charles was going to be a frequent visitor, or both as in because they knew charles was going to be the only person visiting him during planning they decided to make him a chair ahead of time
#xmen#x2: x men united#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#cherik#not really but yes it is#snap chats#secret fourth option is they just had a plastic wheelchair at the mansion just in case this incredibly specific scenario happened jvlkaervj#part of me hopes the staff just Knew cause imagine being THAT divorced publicly but another part hopes erik asked for one. not politely ofc#def joked bout how charles couldnt think to leave him alone for five minutes lest he did something Uncouth somehow ik he did#that charles was going to show up sooner or later so they might as well make it easy for themselves and prep etc etc#girl ima throw up what if charles didnt visit tho .... thats not even a possibility cause ofc he did but still !!!!#personally id throw up and cry like wdym my best friend ex husband didnt show up. when i even asked for a chair for him ..#EVEN ASKED FOR A SILLY LIL PLASTIC CHESS SET alternatively what if charles brought that... im making myself sick#As Indicated By My Username i think of the plastic jail every day its so funny to me and so quaint#i should rewatch X2 just for plastic jail#like it makes sense and i do think its a cute detail but still. gotta put grandpa in the polly pocket prison set now. tragic !!#i remember watching the movie for the first time in recent years and audibly going 'aw' at the plastic wheelchair im so sorry JVLKEJKA#LIKE AWW CMON THATS WEIRDLY CUTE gotta make sure peepaw can visit his ex husband </3 so they can play chess </3#i love that chess is Their Thing ... any time a ship's got mfers who fucks heavy with chess i know im hooked#its not intentional things happen this way but i will still laugh#kk nightly cherik posting is done byebye
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#applied for a promotion in work && i’ve litch been flip flopping over if i should regret it or not every 20min ☠️#bc i feel like it’d be fuck easy & id get paid a little more; but i don’t wanna tell ppl what to do! or rly have more responsibility lol#i just wanna get left alone to do what i want in work mostly#ppp#(& harry’s like; you know you’ll have to be louder right?? you’re not doing this bc u got pushed into it right??#*you’ll have to have authority u get that right??’ yh man obvs! but that’s not the case for any other TLs rn! they’re sure not doing shit)
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if you draw enough monster ocs, when you go back to drawing a human character, it feels like "sameface syndrome" everytime, by virtue of their face being. human.
#toy txt post#or maybe i am just sameface syndrome#but also different face syndrome#two characters will have the same face but then the next time i draw those characters its a different face than they had last time!#i know part of it is being out of practice but also there is definitely an element of feeling constrained by human facial structure lmao#the monsters have Their Own Problems but like. no one has a face like bokrae no matter how inconsistent i am about drawing her#her features are iconic enough to her that you can tell everytime#birdie???? i faceclaimed eartha kitt for her and im still struggling cos i feel weird about faceclaiming as a concept#but even then 😭 one time i was trying to give headloose a face and someone was like wow he looks like birdie!#me 😭😭😭😭😭 what!!!!!! hes not supposed to!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i need to practice. features#you know the worst part about coming up w a bunch of fuckin Scenarios in my brain for ocs is that i have even fucking Drawn them yet#to give them like. iconic staple features and figure out what their faces look like. which feels like it would really help to have that#knowledge and muscle memory before i jump into trying to draw intense scenes with difficult poses!!#not to mention. listen. i can do the monster faces. somewhat. the bodies??????????? well for one. theyre too big everytime#im convinced i could be trying to draw bokrae on like a full ass wall size paper like a mural thing and run out of room. it just keeps#happening. i have no sense of scale for them either. by which i mean i struggle w scale already and also cant decide what i want it to be#and ive tried to handwave it away by being like ohhh uh. birdie casts spells on them to change their sizes for convenience but also#no. perhaps that explanation works for other ppl. @ myself tho its not good enough i Know Better!!!!!!#agh!!!!!!! i really need to figure out bokrae's Teeth also. like i dont. i coukd get away with it. but i should. and i want to.#anyway all this to say that i need to give these characters faces and body designs (actually the body designs for humanoid ocs is the easy#part. the faces are whats stumping me? well. i need more practice w all the body types again but like i Know what im Going For at least.#for the most part anyway. havent fully figured out heights. struggling w characters that i want to make short but give imposing tall energy#on occasion? birdie can be short all day long no problem. I want Alasdair to be short enough that he has a bunch of short boyfriends that#feel tall around him? bytte was going to be like 6ft max but then i thought about making her taller and like. what if i made her taller#headloose is not that /short/ but he is Not Tall and prolly pretty lean? twink build for sure#and of course all these short /tall distinctions come with a bias of relativity to my own height which i categorize as medium height#but short ppl call me tall and insist its not average and tall ppl call me short. (5'6) and then i have to factor in how the gender changes#the dynamic of a height like my height is Short For A Man but medium to tall for a Woman. which id argue is medium height bc mens heights#are socially held to high standards (hehe) and also i know ethnicity/race is also a factor? but im out of tags. rip. bye
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hi more drug question
I have been told many many times that using ecstasy will basically fry your seratonin receptors so that you will never be able to feel happy again unless you are using the drug. I am assuming now that this is false but I am curious now as to how false. Is it something that CAN happen if you take too much at once or too often, or is this just random Drug Scary misinformation
Also also since wellbutrin is not an SSRI does LSD work when you are on it or does it also cancel it out
lol that's kind of an extreme version of what I usually hear! you're right that basically the answer here is no. this comes from a couple different things. first is MDMA induced serotonin toxicity, and 2nd is something called "serotonin syndrome" which is a real thing that can happen, but it's really really hard to get like this. prepare for a very long answer lmfaooo
MDMA induced serotonin toxicity occurs when you take too high doses too frequently. MDMA IS slightly neurotoxic, but so are many prescription drugs so don't let that word freak you out too much! basically MDMA works by dumping large amounts of serotonin into your brain, hence why it's the happy/love drug lol. if you take too much too often, your brain will straight up run out of serotonin. obviously that's bad! it's not as simple as "never feeling happy again" but you will essentially have depression for a bit because of lack of serotonin (on its own, low serotonin levels following modest MDMA use is not damaging and resolves within a few days) but the real problem is that if you are on MDMA with depleted serotonin, your brain will continue releasing dopamine which will attach to the serotonin receptors and damage them. this is what can cause long term depression symptoms, the damaged serotonin receptors. ultimately your brain will heal this on its own unless for some reason I guess you keep taking it a lot (which would have no effect. when you take too much MDMA your brain just runs out of serotonin to dump so like. it just won't work lol)?? it can also be treated with the supplement NAC, which I would recommend taking any time you use MDMA because of this!
to sum up MDMA toxicity: it can happen but only if you're misusing it! it's generally recommended that you dont do much more than 1 dose every 3 months or so to make sure your brain has time to reset. research interactions with anything else you're using (prescription or not), take some NAC in the weeks following a dose, drink a lot of water, keep your body temperature regular because that can worsen it, and take some antioxidants like alpha lipoic acid and grape seed oil during/immediately after taking MDMA - it's when you come down that your brain is delicate and could use the protection. also this may sound counterintuitive but weed also has antioxidant properties, so smoking it as you come down helps a lot. also if you DO have MDMA toxicity taking more MDMA will not help u feel happy unfortunately it will just make it worse lol, your brain only has so much serotonin to give
now serotonin syndrome can happen with the misuse of any drug that works on serotonin including MAOIs, SSRIs, and SNRIs, usually by taking a VERY large dose (but some people are just extremely sensitive). it usually takes care of itself eventually, but the amount of time it takes and stuff is kinda hard to pin down bc it's REALLY misunderstood and tends to be overly self diagnosed. again this is like super super hard to do. you would have to take a MASSIVE dose or mix it with other serotonin affecting drugs (ESPECIALLY MAOIs. DO NOT MIX MDMA WITH MAOI ANTI DEPRESSANTS). like 5 times the normal dose at least probably (partner is currently trying to find some literature on it so he'll add that in the replies if he finds anything interesting). it will cause things like heightened anxiety and body temperature and can cause kidney problems or seizures if it's like really bad and untreated. but you'd feel REALLY bad before it got to that point, so in general like, if you take any type of drug and feel extremely bad after go to the doctor lol. mostly this will also just heal itself; your brain is pretty resilient! again usually if this does happen it's very minor. cases bad enough to require hospitalization are exceedingly rare
to give you an example of what these can look like, I have a friend who was given about 3-4 times a regular dose by a fucking piece of shit asshole she knows and, this part is crucial, it was mixed with a very large amount of alcohol AND acid (which can slightly increase the neurotoxicity. normally not a huge issue but becomes one in circumstances like this), AND coke; like she was blackout drunk and while not on a lot of acid or coke, this is just too many things to have in your body and brain at one time. the mixture of such a large amount different drugs caused her what I'm guessing was a mild case of both of these things at once. she experienced slightly worsened depression for about 6 months after, and actually had a mild stutter for almost a year. I made sure she took some NAC and other things that aid brain healing, and she didn't try molly again for a long time to be super sure she didn't overload her brain before it was ready. this is a pretty extreme case, and even with that she has fully recovered thankfully. do NOT EVER do drugs with someone you don't trust with your life. DO NOT EVER do drugs in doses you have not confirmed for yourself to be safe and DO NOT EVER mix drugs without finding out if it's safe!!! just as a small aside though: usually taking molly and acid at the same time is perfectly safe. in fact it's called a candy flip and I HIGHLY recommend it because it's fucking awesome. again, just make sure you are taking safe doses in a safe environment
OKAY now finally your specific question about Wellbutrin: I actually take Wellbutrin so I can answer this one from personal experience! Wellbutrin should not alter the effects of LSD in any way HOWEVER! both of these drugs lower your seizure threshold! I'm on the max dose of Wellbutrin (which is the max dose BECAUSE of seizure risk) so when I plan to drop acid I usually either skip my dose entirely that day or only take half depending on how much acid I'm planning to take. because of the way Wellbutrin works, this shouldn't cause you any problems as far as that goes. for me, not taking my Wellbutrin for a day mainly has the effect of making me more fatigued, and acid counteracts that really well by making me feel very awake/aware. if you don't want to skip or halve your dose though you can also take things that will RAISE your seizure threshold. so like I sometimes will smoke hemp because CBD actually will help with that. the risk here isn't huge either way especially if you have no history of seizures, but again if it's something you're concerned about you should be just fine skipping or lowering your dose for the day. acid usually lasts about 12 hours too so i personally don't even care about skipping the Wellbutrin that much because it basically does the same thing for me. I did take my full Wellbutrin dose the last couple times I've done acid though because I was taking a very small amount of acid (about half a tab)
in summation lol sort of TLDR I generally would recommend MDMA for recreational use because the risks of damage are low and it's safe if you are safe about it. and it's honestly just a really fun one! the only negative effect I've ever felt is some emotional and physical fatigue the following day, and this is largely because of how emotional and energetic you are on it. I just make sure to have the next day off to lay around and listen to music :)
taking it with a partner or loved one will give you an especially beautiful experience, as MDMA has been proven to facilitate extremely open emotional conversations. in fact, when MDMA was first synthesized it's primary use was in psychotherapy! research was shut down during the war on drugs, but in recent studies it's demonstrated amazing abilities to treat and even straight up CURE disorders like PTSD. for a personal anecdote, my partner actually completely fucking cured his alcoholism on a combo of MDMA and whippets (nitrous oxide) lmfao. like dude straight up went from getting black out drunk multiple nights a week to drinking nothing for the past year and a half without any other treatment program. LSD has been proven to have similar incredible results with treating and curing things like depression, anxiety, PTSD and addiction and is also a very fun and very safe one.
sorry to reiterate for the billionth time lol but it's important: these drugs are safe and fun if you make sure they're safe and fun! do your research and never use in an unfamiliar environment with people you wouldn't trust in an emergency! also I know this sounds like a lot, but remember I'm giving you like the absolute safest possible practices and emphasizing sort of over cautiousness because I think it's always better to be too safe. I've taken molly without nac and I've taken kinda big doses a little closer together than I should have without any problems. there's a bit of flexibility to these guidelines, but it's always better to think of them as being rigid so you don't end up too far in the other direction. like I've said it's really really hard to do actual damage that would last more than like a day or 2 max. most of the time you'll just be sleepy the next day from all the dancing so it's nice to do it on a day 1 of a weekend. also it only lasts like a couple of hours lol so it's not your whole day or anything!
#sorry this took me like a fucking hour i kept having to check myself w my partner + google to make sure i wasnt talking out of my ass lmfao#im sure ill be rereading and editing it for the next hour as well#damn just spent like another half hour#hope this is thorough enough for ya ajdbsjhdkshdkshs#on a tangentially related note: ive been weaning myself off of my SNRI (venlafaxine/effexor) bc it didnt help at all#and made my nails extremely brittle ????? like so bad they were constantly breaking to the quick and making me bleed#so pretty soon ill be able to do acid and molly again. sweet blessed molly how ive missed you#cant believe i forgot to mention this but as another personal mdma anecdote: my partner and i started dating while candy flipping#hed been staying at my house for like 4 months at that point but we hadnt really talked about like. relationship definitions#and I was EXTREMELY nervous bc id never even like kissed someone fr before him#but the acid and ESPECIALLY the molly made talking about our feelings with each other really easy and safe feeling#we do it every once in a while as like a poor mans couples therapy lmfao. its much easier to be open and honest and vulnerable#while crucially taking down the defensive wall that can cause you to lash out and stuff#highly recommend 👍#wtiting a book called the couple that rolls together stays together. its about doing molly but also skateboarding#drug ed#i cant stop adding to this post im sorry
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Could you write a drabble for Mikoto and Shidou plus Blood? This request miiight be inspired by the fact that Mikoto mentions his body hurting a lot but doesn't seem to be receiving any medical treatment, either because Mahiru and Fuuta take priority or because there's no obvious cause, and therefore cure, to his pain...
👀👀👀 Thank you, this is such a good combo ough!! It's so interesting how much focus the others get when it comes to physical health, since Mikoto has clearly complained of his condition :( It looks like Milgram is trying to push the idea that he's completely oblivious to his alters, but I spun it where he's aware, just deep in denial. So have some Mikoto angst to get us hyped for Double!
Mikoto should be grateful. He was lucky. That’s what he kept repeating to himself. He had both of his eyes intact. Both his arms. He was strong enough to walk around freely. He wasn’t on the verge of death, or collapse. Thus, he should be grateful no one was offering him any help, because it meant he didn’t need it. He repeated it again. Maybe this time he would believe it.
With a groan, his body rolled out of bed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d woken up actually feeling rested. Everything ached. His muscles tightened with soreness. His throat felt as raw as his knuckles, though he hadn’t been using either. He had no desire to lift his arms over his head, or twist around too much, so he didn’t change out of yesterday’s uniform. Maybe the belts and buckles had made it difficult to sleep. The theory wasn’t a convincing one, but dwelling on things like that had never gotten him anywhere.
He ran his fingers once through his hair, combing out a bit of the mess. Looking in a mirror was the last thing he needed. He made his way to the dining hall.
The others trickled in for breakfast. His appetite, at least, hadn’t suffered. He hardly noticed the others giving him wide-eyed stares. What were they expecting? Of course he was looking worse for wear, given the circumstances. He ignored them, glad to focus on the hot meal before him.
A hand weighed heavy on his shoulder.
“Mikoto,” Shidou’s voice may have remained calm, but it was urgent. “Do you need some help?”
“Huh?” He shrugged his hand away, offering a weak smile. “I’m fine! Oh, I think Kazui was saving a seat for you over there, if you --”
“-- How about we go to my cell for a moment? Or yours, if that would be more comfortable.”
What was everyone’s problem this morning? Mikoto did his best to keep his voice pleasant. “Really, man, I’m good.”
Shidou’s expression remained unmoving. Very carefully, he informed him, “you’re bleeding. Pretty badly by the look of it. You’re coming with me.”
Mikoto blinked. He looked over his shoulder, following Shidou’s gaze. The back of his uniform was torn across the center. A significant splotch of blood seeped into the material, growing even larger as he shifted to see it.
“...Oh…”
Back in Shidou’s cell, sad to have left his breakfast plate behind, he slumped into a chair. Shidou gathered together some supplies. As always, he got right to the point. “What happened?”
“I… I’m not sure. I don’t remember anything from last night. I don’t remember most nights, recently. I know that sounds crazy, but…”
“It’s fine. I have definitely heard crazier.” He smiled, something gentle and reassuring. As usual, there was something hidden behind his eyes. It was as if he already knew what Mikoto was up to late at night that earned him so much soreness the following days. He didn’t offer an explanation, though. Mikoto didn’t press him for one.
He winced as he was helped out of his uniform. Removing his shirt revealed the mysterious gash. Shidou’s eyes widened at the array of scratches and scars. Some were fresh, but most originated long before Milgram. Though he didn’t ask, Mikoto answered.
“I’m pretty clumsy, huh?” Maybe this time he would believe it.
Shidou was kind enough to pretend to. “Here, allow me…”
Shidou got to work cleaning and dressing the injuries. Mikoto closed his eyes. Even though the disinfectant stung, and sometimes those gloved fingers pressed a little two hard, it felt nice to have things patched up.
“Is there anything else going on? Are you feeling pain anywhere else?”
Mikoto could have laughed. He didn’t. “I’m just sore. And my head’s been killing me, but I’m used to migraines. Perks of the verdict, I’m sure.”
Shidou hummed in thought.
“Thanks, by the way. I’ll try to be more careful.” Not that he had much choice in the matter, it seemed. But he’d do his best.
Shidou kept his face straight, but there were traces of pain in his voice. “I will too. I’m sorry, Mikoto. If I had known… I’ve been distracted lately, but I should have paid closer attention.”
“It’s fine,” he flashed a grin. “I know the others are pretty fucked up. And I’m not dying or anything. I’m lucky, you know?”
“I wouldn’t say so. Doctors don’t only treat the dying.”
Mikoto frowned.
It didn’t take much longer to finish treatment. Shidou gave him a few instructions about the bandages, then offered him a clean shirt. “You’re good to go. I’ll be checking in more often, now. I’ll see if I can find something for your head.”
“Thanks. Really.”
He returned Mikoto’s torn uniform. “You should talk to Es about getting a new one. Until then, you’ll want to clean this with --”
Mikoto waved a dismissive hand, heading out of the cell. “Don’t worry, I know how to wash blood out of my clothes. Er, that sounds bad. I’m just a clutz, yeah? The blood’s always been my own.”
Maybe this time he would believe it.
#milgram#mikoto kayano#shidou kirisaki#im so fucked up over mikotos state rn :(( im pretty sure his vd is going to melt me into a little puddle on the floor on wednesday#id need to do more research on what doctors are supposed to do but i think shidou knows mikoto is in denial and wants him to work through#the realization on his own first instead of forcing it on him - and telling him wont stop the late night rampages in his cell#and youre right - theres not an easy cure for the stress headaches and all that anyway so theres only so much he can do#but yeah itd make sense that shidou (and the others) were genuinely too busy with the 12yo and dying patients to notice his condition...#sorry for having a shirtless mikoto moment 😭 i didnt want to pull a meme but it was needed for the prompt 😤#i kept it in mikotos pov but when shidou mentions what doctors do hes having an internal crisis about if hes a good doctor rip#i do think mikoto only had one victim but still got into fights and stuff sometimes - hence others' blood on his clothes in the past#thank you so much for the request!!#the double hype has been Consuming me asdfsdf so this was a ton of fun to write ;-;#drabbles
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i am sensing a pattern here (things that start as practice getting out of hand)
#made like 4 attempts at rendering but it never turns out how i want to rip#like. i dont think they're *bad* they're just not *how i want them* hfsljfd#this one's def not the most refined attempt but it sure is the one that looks the most like her lol#awful how easy it is to make faces look completely different why do our brains gotta make it so hard#oc: lilian hawke#my ocs#my art#id in alt
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@zoros-sheath and I watched episode 626
#zentxt#its far too easy and too kinky NOT to do it. im sure theres at least 5 of these on ao3#id do exactly the same with a reader-insert thing if I bothered with non-canon/filler stuff#one piece#lawlu
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@dragon-mantis ey ey ey i did a thing, i hope you see the vision :)
"Little boat, big ocean I'm the girl with the copper spyglass Who prays that today she will spot her shore All at once a lighthouse All at once through the copper spyglass A light telling me to lean in on the oar I start to row"
From halfway from Amelie
#no id#this isnt becoming a pattern im sure im gonna go back and put an image description im just ill and it's late#I could point out so many things wrong with this drawing but it's fine enough and i like the first drawing espesially#I know i said 30 minutes but in my defense my nose bleed three seperate times plus im sick and suffering actually :(#Anyways mantis this is a gift for you :D You caught me at the right time and i needed to do something quick and easy so. Win win bby#fancy art#sketch art#my art#fundy fanart#c!fundy#dsmp fanart#fundy#my posts
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last night before falling asleep i thought fuck i so do not care bout approval or disapproval when it comes to my personal work (art writings etc) bc wow i literally do it for my own entertainment it isn't serious things and i dont have any clients to please and work for... this is literally what i do for my own fun & sharing this only bc why not & to keep it somehow organised (i wish blogs had folders option tbh). and this feeling was so sincere & true like wow.... nature is clearing
#such a freeing thing... like wow i don't owe anything to anyone.. and im just a Diogenes in the barrel but calm ver#& thought bout script some technical things doesn't matter but still i always thought ohh#If my theater's director would read id be so embarrassed bc hes like a professional director#Writes plays stages plays won some insane contests literally works as a prof#N i realised that he actually would never like say ew this is stupid bc hes actually very kind and gentle#Wow#& thought again bout his philosophy when teaching kids (bc he also teaches them not only uni students)#That the worst thing a professor teacher etc can do is to kill kid's personality#To kill what they truly like and enjoy#And i mean it easy to treat it this way when its bout students or kids anyone who's not u#God knows how long i tried to raise this feeling of freedom. Bc praise etc doesnt help for sure#Its a tet a tet w ur own personality of course. Obv. And i think almost for the first time#Feelin of freedom is sincere or at least close to it#Feeling that is built on calmness not on aggression n fight or fly stuff or on some uh work ethics idk
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Things are in store. Things are going to happen.
#I'm going to make a general tullius art doll#talking#I'm going to sculpt the face and hands#might do the arms too? but im not sure#the armour is the scariest part because I'm not sure how to achieve it#but i know how to find out#i have the yarn for his hair already#tbh if it comes down to it i can always just give him “casual clothing” but id rather have him look like. yk. him#idk im insane and tired#none of you know that girlboy like i do okay.#the sooner we all accept that the better 🫶#anyways the reason I'm not gonna do multiple outfits is because these dolls are art pieces and usually pretty fragile#changing clothes isn't as easy as on a normal doll meant for play#and it would be a LOTTT more work for me#if it goes well I'll make an ulfric#but he would be even more complicated i fear?#or maybe less. maybe i should be buying materials for both of them#idk idkkk#once they're done im going to put them in a jar#half joking idk#god im so fucking funny#I CAN MAKE TULLIUS MEET HATSUNE MIKU#i have a Miku figure that my other art doll has already met#the other one i used airdry clay for the head#DO NOT RECOMMEND. i hate air dry clay#i might actually decapitate him and redo the head tbh#we will see!
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tbh I find it kinda annoying the way people think they have to put down sincaraz to bring up igaryna, they can both be good in their own way
if it makes u feel better i dont put sincaraz down to bring up igaryna i just dont find sincaraz that interesting
#sorry i dont know if you were referencing me calling them boring or if this was completely unrelated 😭#i am genuinely not trying to be harsh here but i must be honest!#they ARE both good in their own way but sincaraz is good in a way that does not cater to my preferred ship dynamics lol#they make perfect sense! they just do not move me so much anymore#they are fun because they are obvious and easy.#but once i get past the initial 'omg look at these idiot loverboys' im kinda just standing there like. well. what's there left to do#if i didn't already like jannik and carlos individually im sure id be sick of them by now (cough cough [REDACTED])#but no this is definitely not a sincaraz vs igaryna world this is an igaryna world with an occasional sincaraz interlude#and for other people it is the other way around and that is perfectly fine! and for others they dont give a shit about either!#i would say generally im not like a ship hater (except for—no. i will be civil) but i also do have ship opinions that i *will* express!#rarely will i say explicitly that i think a ship is downright bad but i will say if i personally dont like it#even if i *do* think a ship is bad i try my best to keep that to myself. especially if i know the ship is popular or liked by mutuals#actually you know i have a really good example of—[i am yanked offstage by a vaudeville cane]#who am i kidding no one is going to read these tags. whatever. this is my internet
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venting dont mind me xp ✌
#if i dont get out of my parents house im going to die#either by my hand or my mothers#i refuse to be forced into the role of woman becuz my mother cant get over herself or accept other peoples suffering#so i either leave or i die#i am never more depressed than when im in this house and it gets worse everytime i return#every second of oeace is a facade careful held up by smiles and jokes while ignoring who i am to please others#and ignorjng the genuinely genocidal beliefs of my parents against myltple peoples#at least one of which includes me#why cant life be easy#when is it .y turn to tbrive#in this hluse i am no older than a middle schooler no more mature or happy#everyday i dream of relapsing sh-ing just for some control of the pain i experiemce something anything#maybe someone will finally listen to me and se ehow ioset i am see how smothered i am and the sting will pull me back down to earth again#but no who would see would understand#my brothers or my parents none of them would kniw why even if i said it to thwir face#i dint event even want to think of what my mother woukd say#shed use it as an excuse to further deny my transness surely#say how horribke and spirtful and manipulative i am against her#that i ddi it to hurt her#i am trapped as a doll in a house only allowed to be agreeable no politics no emotions other tan#contentness and love and adoration for my family#or else i am unloveavle and horrible and sick#i cannot tell my mom she has uoset me becuz it would be unfair i am silent instead#i am to take her anger and rage as a perfect recepticle and no matter how well i handle it#i am thanked with resentment amd scorn amd terfisms#i can neither disagree woth her beliefs nor avoid discussing them to keeo the oeace all she wants is comoliance#i refuse to do that tho ill take hee scorn on that one thing i refuse to xomprimise my beliefs verbally to save my own skin#ill just be quiet#im sure id be a better recepticle for her dead so she can dress me up as a girl one last time#the dead cant argue or disagree with you its everything she wants from me
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i do love analysing media and art and unfortunately this is where i am most confident talking and i am very bad at stuff like: talking normally and like a person fostering relationships in the world with other people
#it is easy for me to go on and on about media and art and themes and i love doing it#and ive had a lot of discussions that live in my head months if not years after the fact because of it#but it is also easy for me to hide behind because anything actually personal and friendly means#i have to be myself if i want it to mean anything and i want to do it but well i do not like myself#and i dont know how to interact with people as a person and not as a thought process. and it is both lonely (for me)#and DEEPLY annoying and offputting (for the other parties)#attempted to start a conversation with a friend id like to know better the other day and im pretty sure#i immediately scared him off by going on about the mechanics of a game and how they tie into the narrative and its good#for paragraphs. its so. UGH!!! UGH!!!!!#i want to connect with people i want to talk to people i want to engage in conversations with people so badly#but this is the only way i know how to do it. im fun if you want a quick and lively discussion about something niche youre interested in#but as soon as thats over...whats left? i dont know where to go after that#after that i am just some guy who is tired and in pain and doesnt draw much these days. looks at birds sometimes. BORING#annoying background character
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Song of the Day: May 10
"The Ghosts of Beverly Drive” by Death Cab for Cutie
#song of the day#lovely rain today and exactly the right amount of cool and windy to get the smell of it in my room#spent my morning performing excel magic tricks for a /very/ appreciative audience I must say#one of my coworkers is very much in demand for help with identifying poorly-labeled fields in our oldest query structures#she's been around for a million billion years and can glance at a column and effortlessly expand its useless acronym title#I tapped her for a question and she was answering me on what I did not realize was an open zoom call in the conference room by her office#and then when she finished answering me she asked me for help with an excel formula in exchange#and I helped her (an easy fix. she is /not/ good at logic structures. always goes for OR when she needs AND and vice versa)#and then I was teasing her and said how she didn't have to hold onto her questions until she had something to barter with#that I like fixing things and I'll help for free#and then her laptop was physically wrenched around by another coworker farther down the table#(not as disorienting as actually being grabbed by the head and bodily turned but even over zoom it was still an Experience)#and the accosting coworker asked if that went for everybody. could anyone ask me for excel formula fixing help. please /please/#and I was like yes? can't guarantee I can do anything but sure? how much help could you need?#y'all I gotta say. like battling an enthusiastic and especially unthreatening hydra. chibi excel hydra.#it was incredibly satisfying after so many days of intense frustration to have problems I could so easily solve and for such grateful folks#and some of their formulas were pretty fun to set up. always love the little glimpses of behind-the-scenes in special exceptions#any time you put in conditional formatting for if a single specific person's ID is in the 'comment entered by' cell#there's a story there#anyway I heard so many people say 'I don't know why' this morning and then it was such a perfect cool gray day#I've been humming Ghosts of Beverly Drive all evening#'I don't know why I don't know why / I return to the scenes of these crimes#where the hedgerows slowly wind / through the ghosts of Beverly Drive'
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