#then I'm gonna work on my journal I've been getting back into my journal recently

[shishiikura]

It's sooooo nice to take the day off and get notifications for meetings I would otherwise have to attend but I don't have to cuz I am not working <3

[erinwantstowrite]

might seem a bit out of nowhere

but i wanted to ask how you get started in writing. and i mean like how do you get into the ✨️flow✨️ of it after sitting down. 'cause i just tend to stare at my laptop

i struggle with getting into the flow a lot. which sounds crazy with how much i write, but it's true. usually when this happens, it's because i have a lot of inspiration, but no energy to complete anything. i have to make sure i start writing when i'm feeling good, after taking a break from my writing space. sometimes it's because im so exhausted from outside sources, which is more annoying than if i just needed a break from writing

but sometimes that writer's block hits HARD. sometimes i'm also staring at my document and not writing for hours on end. and when i do write, im in a constant state of "i don't like this" where i rewrite a chapter or just a singular scene over and over and over again. THIS is where i'd say i struggle the most with getting myself into the flow, and i can share what i do to guide myself out of it (here's a post i made a while back with other tips)

IMPORTANT: notice how i said GUIDE. you can not FORCE yourself into a flow. I repeat, you can not. it's impossible to force a flow, and if you try, you'll only make yourself hate writing. however. you can help yourself to get into a flow

-i take the time to go outside and/or get some exercise. i also mentioned that in the linked post but it's important so i talk about it a lot. i've recently decided to take up photography and birdwatching, and I got myself a hammock. as someone who's struggled with finding ways to enjoy being outside (I live in Louisiana and it's like i'm being slow cooked to death during the spring and summer), that's what gets me out there. i also make sure i hydrate and eat well because our bodies need fuel in order to create

-i read something new or i go back to something i haven't read in a while, and that (usually) helps TONS. i recently read some Sherlock adventures and I had a blast. right now I'm picking apart a "psychology" book (this author should be glad we will never meet, my annotations have not been kind), and i'm reading a book about fashion history. and my friends and I are going to start reading Dracula in our book club soon, which is exciting!! i have a lot of books on my to-read shelf and i annotate all of them. the annotations aren't necessary for this if you want to try but it's fun for me

(^ that being said, i'm gonna add on: sometimes i go reread fanfics that i like, and that's all well and good. there are very talented writers who only write fanfic!! but it's important to also read published works as well. if anyone wants a random recommendation for a book to try, hit me up. i'll give you a book that i have on my shelf or that i've been wanting to read for a while)

-i make a playlist or listen to a playlist to get in the mood before i try writing. specifically, i need something that i can imagine some scenarios to. i can't listen to music while i'm writing cause i'll get distracted, but doing so before helps me figure out the vibe im going for

-drawing. oftentimes i need a visual of what i'm trying to write. whether it's something like a character interaction or something like "i have no idea where everything/everyone is in this scene," it helps to have some paper nearby

-journaling!! i've talked about this a lot on here but i journal more than Ford in Gravity Falls. I'm not joking. I have a bookshelf dedicated to literal decades of writing and learning about writing. i have two notebooks for LoF, one for my DnD campaign, one for my personal records, etc. I have a new notebook ready for writing essays about the books i recently bought and am reading. my LoF notebooks are dedicated to messily writing up brainstorms or writing through scene ideas, i've written partial chapters in them by hand, etc etc. this helps me when im not in a writing mood to at least be doing SOMETHING. i rewrite my outline a LOT. also it helps me keep track of my timeline (i still fuck it up sometimes)

-actually forcing myself to sit down in front of the computer.

this sounds like the most obvious thing, but i'm talking i close out all my other tabs that i don't need for writing, i put my phone away across the room or in a different one entirely, i put on headphones and listen to only brown noise OR i get on a call with my friends to make myself not want to open Youtube or anything else. i'd rather sit there and stare at my computer than sit there and scroll on my phone or get distracted with something else and then be upset that i didn't write. even just staring at the document and working it out without writing a single word is better than that, because it means i was still working

in all honesty, you don't know you're in a flow until it Clicks. you could go do all of these and gain experience and knowledge for months on end and not write anything that whole time, and then one day you sit down and you knock out an entire chapter like nobody's business. it's just important to take care of yourself in the meantime and keeping your mind fresh

[punsmaster69]

12/APR/20XX

i think that was my goal.

remember? the one i was mentionin' about twenty nine pages ago? i'd said something like...

"and when i achieve it?"

"...guess i'll finally close this book for good."

so, i'll count that to be my goal.

therapist agrees, so you can't get on me about that.

sharing inner thoughts was never something i'm great at. so much so that you might've forgotten that's what this was for.

can you believe that? s'posed to be a thought journal. daily mental-state evaluation.

ended up talking about my friends instead.

wasn't for me, i suppose.

...after some amount of pages, huh? geez.

[This calls attention to the fact that the book is much thicker than it was when it started. Seems instead of switching to another one, his journal just... gained pages.]

point is.

seems to me like a good place to stop things at.

i'll give you a final update, and we'll call it. alright?

——

breaking the news went as smoothly as if we'd entered the room and broke a vase on the floor instead. (undyne about did just that.)

the second calamity was when mettaton and my bro show up kinda late

holding hands.

turns out my bro is much more decisive than i am.

apparently it was mettaton first, then paps who decided after a few serious dates.

congrats to 'em.

been deflecting questions best i can all day from the announcements, so i was thankful my bro showing up like that took enough of the heat off me n' tori.

i...

can't stop smiling.

well- alright, that's a given.

but i mean this doofy grin i haven't kept up this long in ages.

i'm not even trying for this one.

all this talk about relationships, i think undyne's gotten excited. talking about marriage and all that. alphys has gone beet red.

grillby and the bar gave me a hell of a lot of pats on the back. i'd be bruised if i weren't bones.

if it wasn't that which would've bruised me, it definitely would have been the punch flowey gave me. the comment that earned me it?

"so..."

"this makes me your dad, right?"

he didn't take it well.

despite the petal-haver's apparent hatred... i think he's secretly glad that toriel's happy.

my bro sure took the news well.

granted, since he already thought me and her were dating, he just was happy for the public announcement.

"WAIT."

"DOES THIS MAKE ME AN UNCLE?!?"

"Are we gonna get another sibling??"

"WAIT, are we gonna get a SKELE-sibling?!?"

"whoa, slow down-"

"Frisk, NO??"

"Do not encourage this BONEHEAD to-"

"I think that is quite enough."

tori puts her foot down on that conversation.

living situations shouldn't change much for now, but maybe we'll figure out something else in the future. (staying with my bro. don't panic.)

concerns about my health have slowed down, as i've gotten more used to daily magic usage. noticed way less bad days recently, right? papyrus still insists on teaching me to use attacks better, so i've got that to look forward to. there might still be ups n' downs health-wise, but i'm confident in getting through 'em now.

paps is noticeably still somewhat anxious about it, fidgeting whenever everything is brought up. which is fair, but. still.

i'll get him a therapist like i've been seeing. an in-person one'll work better for him, i think.

not sure what else'll change, really. everything feels mostly the same.

other than (gasp) public handholding. (scandalous.) every time we're beside one another, tori's finding some form of physical contact.

that's different.

...in a good way.

right now, it looks like the aftermath of a wild party. friends knocked out in random spots; dangling half-off the couch or sprawled across the floor. i think frisk and i are the only ones still awake, since they wanted to put blankets on everyone.

"(Psst. Is one blanket enough?)"

they raise a large blanket in gesture with a questioning look.

i speak extra softly so i don't disturb toriel laying at my side, with her head on my shoulder and an arm across my torso; hand met with mine.

"(yep.)"

"(Kk.)"

frisk lays a blanket over me and tori. they stare contemplatively before speaking.

"....."

"Goodnight, Dad."

"...'night, kid."

welp.

guess that's it, huh?

....

i'm happy.

caring is nice.

———★

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐄𝐍𝐃

[noodlesoup1819]

tag game time! GET TO KNOW YOUR MUTUALS, tagged by @dis-agreeable 💜💜💜 yay! I love tag games!

What's the origin of your username?: When I was like 12 I wanted to start a small business and I was gonna call it Noodle's Soup Shop (products not at all related to soup) and even tho that didn't end up happening, I thought it was cute and started using a variation as my username on stuff. And now I'm too autistic to change

OTP(s) + ship name: I am a "QPRs your ship" person through and through. i wouldn't say I'm all that invested in ships but I do have a soft spot for QPR shinbaku (shinsou hitoshi x bakugou katsuki from bnha)

Favorite color: purple!

Song stuck in your head: uhhhh nothing comes to me atm, but I've been listening to a lot of Wang Ok covers on youtube recently

Weirdest habit/trait: I can crack a (probably mildly concerning) large number of my joints. and they're very loud

Hobbies: uhh drawing, video games, I'd like to get back into sewing. Do my journals count as a hobby?

If you work, what's your profession?: not working rn! but I'm going to uni for speech language pathology

If you could have any job you wish, what would it be? SLP! happy to be working towards my dream ✨

Something you're good at: I can read really fast. I'm comfortably mediocre to average at most things (and I'm just fine with that)

Something you hate: I have a deep distain for bricked mailboxes. they take up like 90% of the sidewalk! and I have to decide whether to walk in the street or direct my dog awkwardly behind them! Why did all the boomers in the 70s in my neighborhood decide to put huge brick squares around their mailboxes! they can be perfectly functional without being incredibly obtrusive to anyone using the side walk!

Something you collect: I love little keychains and figures and pins and stuff. if It's a little guy I can stick on my desk or a shelf or my bag I'm in love

Something you forget: to wear my glasses. my vision's just good enough for me to get by without them... until I'm somewhere in public and need to look at something across the room without squinting and getting uncomfortably close...

What's your love language?: idk maybe quality time (that is one of the ones right?)

Favorite movie/show: changes pretty frequently. I just bough Justice League the animated series on dvd and I've been loving it. I'll never say no to Haikyuu tho 🏐

Favorite food: Fettuccini Alfredo

Favorite animal: Bats! (me and dizzy are twinning here! 💜)

What were you like as a child?: generally pretty happy. more than a little sheltered and naive. I miss the days when I was a little autistic kid without worrying about social skills or school work. I was a lot less anxious.

Favorite subject at school: I'm a science girly (gender neutral) and always have been

Least favorite subject: History. it makes me anxiety spiral about humanity

What's your best character trait?: I can talk to almost anyone

What's your worst character trait?: I tend to be pretty negative. trying to change that! but my first thoughts tend to be towards the worst

If you could travel in time, who would you like to meet?: I think I'd go back and spend some more time with my great grandmother. She was around until I was about 13 and I have some great memories of her, but I'd like to really absorb some of the lessons I know she was giving me.

tagging @crowatyourwindow @hannigramislife @eery-kirstenelisabeth @hk255 @bellscansada and literally anyone else who wants to do this! 🫶

[tbosassocialsandhcs]

Loving the little interactions between Clemmie and Coryo with each other and everyone else poking fun at him 💕💕

would he ever spiral if Clemmie posted a bunch of pics with one of them featuring another male friend?

oh absolutely, if he didn't know their dynamic

like festus? he knows he's not 'competition' so he's like whatever

but someone like Apollo or Androcles or someone like that, he'd be like "who's that?" "why were they there?" "what's your correlation to him?"

and that's what inspired this post!

enjoy!

(I really went off the rails with this one. i think i got partially possessed. i was also not fully locked in since i have heathers the musical soundtrack playing in the background. welp!)

Clemmie_dove

Clemmie_dove recently I guess!

also, thank you, Gaius, for the journal! you didn't need to get me a gift for our assignment though 🫶🏽

liked by baiusgreen, lyssie_vickers, and others

Snowlandsontop you did the assignment with Gaius? we're class partners though.

Clemmie_dove @ Snowlandsontop Satyria said she wanted to switch up our pairings, we were getting to 'cliquey' apparently

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove okay? what does that even mean? 'cliquey' okay? that's how school works.

Clemmie_dove @ Snowlandsontop don't complain to me, take it up with Satyria

baiusgreen no I insist, you carried most of it anyway, and it was nothing, don't worry!

Clemmie_dove @ baiusgreen if you're sure... ❤️❤️

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove what's with the hearts?

Snowlandsontop why are you walking so close with Gaius in the 3rd photo?

arachnexcrane omg it was so crazy seeing you party with us this week

Clemmie_dove @ arachnexcrane I can't do it again, but Gaius suggested trying a thing of each other's during the period of working on our assignment. he tried my fav cafe!

arachnexcrane @ Clemmie_dove no 😭😭 you need to come again

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove you partied with Gaius? and you took him to the cafe on the corner of hope block?

Snowlandsontop why are your faces so close together in the last photo?

Snowlandsontop Clemmie, answer my messages.

F3stus_Cr33d @ Snowlandsontop oh boy's crashing out over this

vipippy_sickle these last 2 weeks have been so good for you

Clemmie_dove @ vipippy_sickle thank you!! I've felt so relaxed and free

vipippy_sickle @ Clemmie_dove I can tell! also, are we hanging out again this weekend?

Clemmie_dove @ vipippy_sickle yeesss

F3stus_Cr33d Clem, Coryo is tweaking tf out rn.

Snowlandsontop @ F3stus_Cr33d I am not "tweaking tf out rn."

F3stus_Cr33d @ Snowlandsontop you messaged me "I think she's with Gaius. I'm gonna castrate him. do you think they" and the message ended there but I can guess what you meant

tiggy_snowy coryo just threw up then pointed to this post open on his phone as the reason, can someone explain?

F3stus_Cr33d clem, okay, did you die? you're letting coryo suffer alone. he just started rocking back and forth in the fetal position at my doorstep. should I let him in, guys?

arachnexcrane @ F3stus_Cr33d I vote no

livi_poppy @ F3stus_Cr33d I second arachne's vote

Clemmie_dove @ F3stus_Cr33d I JUST GOT BACK ON MY PHONE WTF IS HAPPENING

F3stus_Cr33d @ Clemmie_dove you and gaius, smash? yes or no? to confirm Coriolanus’ thoughts or ease his mind

Clemmie_dove @ F3stus_Cr33d WHAT!?@? NO. OMG. NO EW. (no offence gaius)

baiusgreen @ Clemmie_dove none taken

Clemmie_dove @ F3stus_Cr33d I WOULD NEVER. WHY IS CORYO IN A FIT!?!?

Snowlandsontop @ Clemmie_dove YOU LEFT ME ON READ ALL DAY. YOU DID YOUR ASSIGNMENT WITH HIM. IM YOUR CLASSPARTNER. YOURE MINE. MY CLASS PARTNER. WTF CLEMMIE.

Clemmie_dove @ Snowlandsontop YOU DONT OWN ME, CORYO. WHAT THE HELL!? WE ARENT DATING.

arachnexcrane @ F3stus_Cr33d I want my 50 bucks in cash.

F3stus_Cr33d @ arachnexcrane 🙄🙄🙄

Snowlandsontop @ F3stus_Cr33d @ arachnexcrane ??? 🤨😐

arachnexcrane @ Snowlandsontop I had 50 bucks on you crashing out over clemmie and another guy

F3stus_Cr33d @ Snowlandsontop she had 50 bucks on you crashing out

Snowlandsontop @ F3stus_Cr33d @ arachnexcrane and you both are proud of that?

arachnexcrane @ Snowlandsontop and you're okay with publicly crashing out over a girl youre obsessed with (who I'm pretty is a lesbian) just because she was with another guy for what? 2 business weeks?

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: July 24, 2024 🎀

Ahhhh today was such a phenomenal day omg. I had a really good, mostly productive day today and I'm so happy. I still need to work on my eating and nutrition and stop letting my hotel roommate talk me into late night munching, but everything else is going so good.

🩷 What I Accomplished

35 minutes full body strength workout

30 minute treadmill walk (2.5 speed, 3.0 Incline for 19min, 3.0 speed, 3.0 Incline for 11min)

put away all my clean laundry

had a 30 min korean trial lesson on italki (loved it, love the teacher, she's awesome)

planned out my language studies and budget moving forward

booked an appointment to get my nails done once I'm back home in mid August (gonna get medium acrylics, coffin shape with a mocha brown French tip, I'm so excited)

napped for about ~3 hours, i think? I've been really tired recently

did my night time skincare routine for the first time in a week

did my night time gratitude journal, also for the first time in a while

studied Korean for about 75 minutes (not counting the italki lesson!!)

got homework from my italki teacher, super excited to work with her

called my boyfriend this morning

tried an egg, bacon, cheese, potato, and avocado breakfast bowl from a place nearby and it was so yummy and filling

remembered to take my night time meds

emailed my therapist about documentation I need for a financial aid appeal

looked for more Korean and Spanish learning resources

my dad sent me pictures of one of our dogs (a German Shepard that has my whole heart), and she's such a cutie i could cry

💔 What Could've Gone Better

need to write my financial aid appeal letter (too many credit hours, but I'm double majoring so it makes sense???)

didn't wash my laundry, need to do it tomorrow morning

ate too much again. my roommate keeps talking me into late night eating and ughhh, I gotta stop giving in

gotta make better food choices in general, and start logging my food to be more mindful

slept A LOT today, like napped before my italki lesson, napped afterward. I've been so so tired lately and I've no clue why

need to stick to a consistent routine, and prepare myself for my after work workouts for Friday thru Sunday

💗 Stuff For Thursday (July 25th)

finish paying back my friend

send money for rent to roommates back home

make a payment towards new apartment

book next Spanish and Korean italki lessons

study korean

complete my pilates full body workout from health coach plan

begin tracking what I eat to help my mindfulness around my food choices

morning and night skincare

morning and night gratitude journaling

wash my laundry before I go to work

work an ~8.5 hour evening shift

💕 Song of The Day: Who - Jimin

ughhh I love his voice, and this song, so much

til next time, lovelies 🩷

[catboy-keith]

When I Rule The World || Klance

Chapter One: 1.1: The End's Beginning

It was nearly midnight when Keith finished unpacking his boxes. The apartment was nice, it had enough space for Lance and him, but was still a little cramped at the end of the day. Lance had given up unpacking by 5pm, deciding to flop down on the couch and mess around on his phone. Keith had recently discovered Lance's Instagram account, which was a blue lion fanpage, and had spent hours teasing him about it.

He was pretty sure that was what Lance had been messing around with all afternoon.

Keith stands up and stretched, popping his back in the progress. He looked around his small room and smiled in satisfaction. He didn't have much to keep in his room, but he had some things. Lance had insisted on going shopping for new clothes, since they barely had any, and Keith had found some that he liked, leaving his closet sparse, but still full. Lance, however, ended up buying a lot of non clothing items, sparking more teasing on Keith's part.

He looked at the stack of journals on his bookshelf, unsure of what he was going to do now. Nothing big was happening now. When he'd started, it'd been right after he was kicked out of the Garrison and detailed everything up to Zarkon's defeat. Now, he had nothing significant to report. Maybe he'd write about job searching, an infamously difficult task, or about his day to day life, full of residua trauma, or maybe about Lance.

Keith had detailed his feelings for Lance in the journal, from dislike to disinterested to friendly, to whatever they had going on now. It was complicated. Keith didn't let himself explore his feelings because it was always a distraction from the task at hand. But, now? there was no task at hand. Just living life day by day.

Keith made the decision to explore his emotions through writing. Not just his feelings for Lance, but all of his emotions. He was allowed to feel them now, so shouldn't he work them out the only way he knew how?

Keith grabbed his most recent journal and a pencil before sitting on his bed. He opens to the first empty page.

December 25, 2018

Today, Lance and I moved in together. It's a nice little place. It's good to have my own space, but not be alone. Lance is probably asleep on the couch because it's almost midnight when I'm writing this. It's been a little over a week since we returned to Earth. I miss being out in space, helping people, but I need time off. I promised Kolivan I'd be willing to come back to help the Blade of Marmora after at least a year, but I don't know if that'll be enough time.

I'm feeling things, really feeling them, for the first time in a very long time and it's odd. I don't really know what I'm feeling, just that I am feeling. I miss Shiro, Pidge, Hunk, Allura, and Coran, but I'm glad that I'm not living with everyone for a while.I'm not too sure what that's called, but that's what I'm feeling at the moment.

I tried this sandwich place near us today. I can't remember what it's called, but the staff was really nice and my sandwich was incredible. I'll definitely have to go back sometime. I'm thinking about getting a job soon, so I can have some more spending money and something to do. We get paid by the Garrison for saving the universe, which covers rent and utilities, but I'd like to work for extra cash.

Lance and I went shopping today because we both needed new clothes. I ended up with three pairs of jeans, athletic shorts, a few solid color shirts, and a really nice jacket. Lance ended up with random decor for the apartment, a pair of pajamas, a lamp (not sure where he's gonna put it), a pack of boxers, a pair of socks with raccoons on them (he yelled 'hey, Keith, it's you' whilst holding them up. I thought it was really cute.), and a Lego set. The Lego set was Batman, I think.

I had completely forgotten how much that idiot loves shopping for random shit. We'll have to move to a bigger place if he keeps it up.

I've been feeling things towards Lace that I don't quite understand. It's more than a friend feeling and I don't know what that means for me and our friendship. Lance makes me happy. No matter how I'm feeling, he always cheers me up. And I look forward to seeing him. HE makes me want to get through each day and to the next. I know it sounds like I'm describing a friend, but it isn't the same. It feels more intense. Well, not intense intense, but stronger than friendship feelings are. I don't really want to think about it because it scares me in a way. If I let myself feel what I think I'm feeling, than I'm opening myself up to further vulnerabilities. I understand that having friends gives both strength an vulnerability, but it's not the same.

Maybe I should go see a therapist.

- Keith

He shut the journal closed and replaced it on the shelf. Maybe he should go see a therapist. After all, he was traumatized from everything that'd happened. Maybe he could finally process that.

He turned off the lights and got in bed. It took a while to fall asleep, but he finally did.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Keith was running. His heart was racing. Zarkon's men were after him. He couldn't see them, but he knew they were there. Then he came to a dead stop. The walls around him were tall and had appeared out of nowhere. He was trapped. He turned around and drew his sword.

Five large Galrans were right on his tail. He wasn't sure how tall they were, but significantly taller than him and still growing- no- he was shrinking. He was probably the size of a housecat when they finally reached him. He stood his ground, determined to kill or be killed.

The one in the middle reached down and grabbed him by the back of his shirt, hoisting him in the air. Keith let out a scream, mostly from surprise, and slashed at his arm. His blade slid across his skin, leaving no mark. The Galrans laugh at his predicament. He's small, weak, and defenseless. The equivalent to them of a pest. The one holding him held his sword up to Keith, cutting a deep wound in his thigh. He screamed, this time in pain.

Then, he woke up.

Keith shot up in his bed, slamming his head into someone else. He let out a terrified noise and shoved the other person onto the floor. Then he fully processes who he had just hit and shoved- Lance.

"Shit, I'm so sorry, Lance." Keith says apologetically.

Lance gets up and sits on his bed, "It's alright. You okay? I heard some shouting and came in here to see you completely drenched in sweat."

"Nightmare. Different one than normal, but still pretty bad. You woke me up at a good time, though, I think I was about to be tortured." Keith grabs a hair tie off his nightstand and pulls his sweaty hair into a ponytail.

"Ah, yeah that's not fun. I can't sleep because of nightmares. I have them every time I close my eyes."

"Maybe we should go to therapy together," Keith half jokes, "We're 'trauma bonded' as the kids say."

"Kids? You're still a kid, dude."

"I'm not. Not really, anyway. I wasn't a kid before all of this and I definitely am not now."

"But you were a kid. That's the issue," Lance grabs one of Keith's hands, "You didn't get to be a kid and that's traumatic. You know what? We are gonna go to therapy."

"I was mostly kidding about that."

"Well, I'm not. We've both been through some traumatic shit and I think we need help. I mean, Pidge and Hunk are already in therapy, so why shouldn't we be?"

"Pidge and Hunk are different, though." Keith bites his cheek, "I don't mean that in a bad way, they're just-"

"I know what you mean, and, no offense, Keith, but you're wrong. They are different, yes, but everyone can benefit from therapy. I won't force you to do it together, but I am going to force you to go at least once." Lance squeezes his hand, sending a rush of emotions through him.

Keith looks away from Lance, and speaks softly, "Okay. I can do at least once."

"Awesome!" Lance grins, "Now, do you want to go get snacks from the gas station and watch a movie? Something we haven't seen before, but something that's lighthearted?"

"You know I'm always down for that."

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

The gas station was a bit sketchy, making Keith a bit nervous, but he figured they'd be alright with all their physical training in their pockets. On the inside, it looked like every other gas station he'd been to. Snacks, drinks, a few toys, a slushie machine. It was his first time being at one in years.

Keith decided on white Monster, chocolate covered pretzels, brownie bites, and gummy worms. He wasn't planning on having all his snacks that night, but he did want something comforting to snack on.

Lance had grabbed a Dr. Pepper, Pringles, and beef jerky.

The walk back to the apartment was nice. It was oddly still outside, considering they were in a city. Not the biggest city, but maybe the night life wasn't as strong here as some other cities.

Shit, Lance had been talking and he had not been listening at all.

"-and then we could decorate them with edible glitter and give them to neighbors! Were you listening to me?"

Keith must've made a face at him, "No, I was distracted by my own thoughts."

"Good or bad ones?" Lance asks, slightly concerned.

"Not really either. Just observing everything around us. Not in an anxious way, but in a I've never lived here way."

"Okay, good. I was just yapping, I didn't say anything important."

"Ah, just like normal." Keith grins.

Lance rolls his eyes, "Okay silver tongue."

"And what about it? I can't help that everything I say is eloquent and scintillating."

"Says the guy who said 'what time is the day' yesterday morning."

"Oh, shut up." Keith's face flushes.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Lance had decided they were going to watch Paddington that night and there was no convincing him otherwise. Keith was mildly interested in the movie, but too tired to fully pay attention to it. He was more focused on the fact that Lance had laid down on the couch with his head in his lap. Lance was fully invested in the movie, paying Keith no attention.

After a while, probably 45 minutes into the movie, Keith finally had the confidence to run his fingers through Lance's hair. It was soft and fluffy, exactly the way he'd been imagining it would be. Lance let out a noise, somewhere between surprised and pleased. It was a sound he wanted to hear again some time, he decided. He absentmindedly began braiding small sections of Lance's hair. Keith loved braiding. Friendship bracelets, hair, it didn't matter because it gave him something to do with his hands.

They spent the rest of the movie like that. When it ended, Keith decided he wanted to sleep on the couch while Lance kept watching movies. He knew he slept better if he wasn't alone.

The two boys switched spots and Keith curled up under a blanket. He felt Lance's hand in his hair before drifting off to sleep. He didn't dream that night.

Masterlist || Next Chapter || Read on AO3

[pjplayground]

Big Update (cw: general medical talk)

So I FINALLY went to see a doctor about what I've been experiencing (the fatigue, coughing, mucus build-up, weight loss, etc.). Moving forward, this is what's happening:

I'll be using an inhaler for a little bit. My doctor said - since it was most likely post-Covid we're dealing with here, that the inhaler would help open up my airways, stop the coughing, and essentially help my lungs feel less irritated. She said some people only need it for two days and they're good, while others need it longer. We'll see with me.

Blood work! We're going to schedule an appointment to get my blood drawn to test a variety of things. Red and white blood cell count, kidney function, mineral levels... To name a few. Unfortunately we couldn't do the blood work today because there was no doctor in office to perform the procedure, so that's why we have to schedule for another time.

Keeping a food journal. My mom was at the appointment with me, and she brought up her most concerning symptom: I lost about 20 pounds in two months. (For context, I was about 130 a couple of months ago. But at my most recent weigh in, I was 109.) This led to a conversation about my food intake and how many calories I eat. To make a long story short, my doctor recommended I keep a food journal so I can keep track of what I eat. Then, at our follow up appointment, we can make a treatment plan or figure out what's going on from there.

Possibly seeing a GI doctor. I brought up how I never felt like my stomach or intestines worked properly. I told her about how I've had constipation since I was a toddler and how my stomach was so sensitive to certain foods and movements. Maybe in the near future I'll see a GI doctor about all this, but for now we're focusing on a couple things at a time.

Taking it easy. I was out of breath just walking to the back of the office where my patient room was, and Mom finally saw firsthand how bad it was. She saw me hunched over and out of breath like I just ran a marathon. Coming home, she helped me up our apartment stairs after I stopped midway to catch my breath. I hope she'll help me out more in the coming weeks, because now she knows I can't even walk a short distance without feeling like I'm gonna pass out.

Since my doctor thinks we're dealing with post-Covid, she hopes to see me better in about six months. If not, then that means I have Long Covid. (Anything experienced past six months is Long Covid.) I've already been experiencing these symptoms for three months, so we'll see. However, we're also open to the possibility of just a lot of crappy stuff happening all at once creating a perfect shit storm. But, again, we'll see.

Thought I'd update everyone. Art might be a bit slow as I adjust to new medicines and stuff.

[noses-in-winter]

sorry just #cryin a little under the cut, I guess tw for some brief and generally vague mention of medical trauma

I was doing SO well a handful of months ago and really felt completely happy to my core for the first time in my life--that kind of "oh, THIS is what people say is gonna come if you just manage to weather through the difficult times" kinda happy

I was organized, I was productive, I was doing well with my work and with college, I was journaling and reflecting and improving myself, I was writing a ton of my own personal projects as well as RPs that bring me so much joy--- God dude I was doing SO WELL

and I feel like total garbage for making this a "but me!! :(" thing, because I know I'm not the one ACTUALLY suffering in this situation---but I had what I've only recently started to recognize as a traumatic event where (to summarize), a close family member had a medical emergency while just I was there late at night, and long story short is that the next several days were extremely awful and tense, and even though everything is okay now, I feel like I just haven't been able to untense since then, and I have not felt even a semblance of that inner peace I was finally feeling and idk like I said I feel awful for thinking this way but I just keep feeling like "I was doing so well then THIS shit happened and I'm back to square one"---like Christ I feel like things are worse now! I've struggled so much with deep-seated anxiety and shame for years, but the past few months have just been getting worse and worse with it---every single time I feel like I'm annoying/disappointing/failing etc ANYONE I just completely shut down and cannot function, I just retreat into this internal echo chamber of examining every reason that people could possibly have for thinking I suck or I'm embarrassing or I have stupid ideas that people just pretend to like

I'm just so so tired of how much it hurts everything in me to feel like this all the time and I don't know how to fix it or if I even can, and this is stupid but I'm so angry at God and the universe for giving me a few months of feeling really genuinely fulfilled, and then just taking it back so harshly and abruptly I want to go back to enjoying my life and being sociable and having fun and writing and having connections, and I really cannot express how debilitating it is to constantly feel "I'm wasting time, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting time that could be spent with the people I care about and so deeply enjoy but I can never say more than 5 words to anyone without overanalyzing every single thing that I feel I did wrong"

I don't even know where to start putting my psyche and soul back together, I just want to do the things I love again without feeling like I'm the worst, or I'm failing people, or I'm annoying, freaking ANYTHING, and I know that healing that part needs to come from inside of me, but Christ I wish I could just hire someone to give me step by step instructions for taking my life back and not being so weighed down by shame and how to be better for myself and the people around me because the only thing I want to BE is better

okay sobsesh over, ty

[shiftingforyeonjun]

My Most Recent Success Story

I've been manifesting the CRAZIEST shit lately 😭 I've even been surprising myself!

Here is a small list of things I've CONSCIOUSLY manifested in the past few weeks

Not closing with my manager one night 🤣

Getting maintenance to come and look at my bathroom to fix it without needing to put in a maintenance report

Going to an air show with a specific friend (most recent one, happened today)

Legit all of these are things I just affirmed for once or a few times and FORGOT about. So this is how I manifested the last one.

The air show one is the craziest one for me just cause it was a perfect manifestation and it's one where I can 100% say it was a manifestation and not just a crazy coincidence.

So I work in a bakery at a grocery store that has a few locations around where I live in the country. There was this guy that I worked with for about a year ago that worked in a different department (catering) and him and I got on well. We were friends and JUST friends (don't get any other ideas guys.. this is NOT my sp)!

But we did have a lot in common, one of those things being planes (I know I'm lame 😭✈️). He got to go to the air show last year and I did not and I was really bummed.

Since then, he has changed stores and is now working at the location down the street from mine.

Earlier this week, I saw an advertisement for the annual air show and I thought of him. I wanted to go and I thought it would be fun to go with him.

Now since he switched stores, I haven't talked to him much. There have been a few times where we texted just to catch up and then there were times when he had to call my store for a customer or a work question.

So I started to affirm, "I'm going to the air show with ___" I only did this like once a day maybe? I can't even remember. Then, I visualized us having fun at the air show. It was maybe a few seconds long. And then, I dropped it.

Tomorrow is the airshow and I have off from work. Even though I affirmed I was going with him to the show and I was manifesting it, I wasn't attached to it cause I was still planning on what I was gonna do for my day off that wasn't going to the air show. I was thinking about maybe cleaning, maybe going for a walk, and maybe doing some journaling. But whenever I saw something regarding the air show, I thought to myself "I'm going with ___" If that makes sense?

So today at work, I was just there, decorating my lil cakes when I heard the planes overhead practicing. I immediately thought of him and the air show and I affirmed it for fun. Now... it's the DAY BEFORE THE SHOW! And I did kind of wonder how the manifestation could still come since it was less than a day away.

Not too long after that thought, the bakery phone rang. It said the department he worked in and I quickly answered it thinking it was just the department from WITHIN MY STORE calling... I didn't realize it was coming from a DIFFERENT store.

So I answered casually, thinking it was someone from my store and I was taken back when I heard his voice! I was so excited to hear from him and I was shocked he called cause I was just thinking about him!

He called because there was a customer he was trying to place a cake order for but his store bakery wasn't taking anymore orders for that day, so he called asking if we could take it. I said absolutely but I had to check to see if we had a certain image she wanted. So as I was waiting for the machine to turn on, we caught up a bit. Then we somehow got onto the topic of the planes practicing overhead.

Then he asked me

"Are you going to the air show tomorrow?"

I said "Noooo"

He said, "Awww why not?"

I said, " Well I have no way there and I have no one to go with"

Then he goes... "I'll go with you!"

So while we were waiting for this customers photo, we made plans to go to the air show tomorrow....

I got off the phone and FREAKED OUT!!!! I was literally in shock and my jaw was on the floor. I was like... did that really just happen? WTF.

It happened sooo naturally too?? And the lead up??? Guys, this is proof that movement happens even when you're not seeing it happen. Imagine the amount of things that had to happen, the amount of people and things that had to shift in order for this to happen. And I didn't witness any of it. It all happened behind the scenes. This was a TIME CRUNCH manifestation as well cause it obviously had to happen before tomorrow. And I only affirmed as few times and visualized maybe once? And I basically forgot about it and was not attached to the outcome. The only times I affirmed were when I saw something about the air show.

The other two things were manifested almost the same way, maybe sliiiightly difference but same concept. Let me know tho if you guys want to hear the other stories too!!!

[ureyesonly]

(⸝⸝ᴗ﹏ᴗ⸝⸝) ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁.ᐟ  –>  

٩(ˊ〇ˋ*) .ᐟ.ᐟ.ᐟ.ᐟ

Getting Back On My Grind After Weeks of Rotting: Pressing play on paused habits.

The holidays were not good to me. JK, they were great– I got to see my dad for xmas, eat good food, and come home to vegas to party for new years. But…… I’ve been rotting ever since. 

It felt so good at first. I was finished with the fall semester, didn’t have to commute to school every week via AIRPLANE, and could finally relax at home and enjoy not being on the go for a few weeks until the spring semester starts up. 

I’ve been on my weight loss journey since October of 2024, and have since lost 10 lbs with consistent exercise and mindful eating (fun fact: S & I share the same personal trainer). But, of course, the holidays came and I said to myself “I’m just going to enjoy this time and not worry about working out or logging my food intake”. Luckily I didn’t gain any weight from eating like an absolute maniac for like 3 weeks straight, but now its time to pick up my habits and get back on the grind so I can continue my goal of losing 30 lbs before my birthday in July (44 if I really don't slack, but I have to be realistic here…. I’m gonna slack at some point….)

‎‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎ ‎‎‎‎‎ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁ᝰ.ᐟ⩇⩇:⩇⩇જ⁀➴

Doing my scheduled workouts 6 times a week ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

For my personally tailored fitness plan, I have 6 workouts a week. Sounds like a lot but its not bad. The first three days are just a quick 20-30 minute at-home bodyweight workout that doesn't require any equipment + a 40 minute walk outside or on the treadmill. Pretty low effort and easy to do. The following three days are gym days with strength training and no cardio (minus one day, only 20 minutes on the elliptical, super easy). 

I get soooo lazy to do my workouts, specifically the at-home ones for some reason. I kind of hate those. But, I try to do them nonetheless. It's been two days since my first day back on the grind, and it has honestly felt really good to put good food in my body and get some movement. Plus, reminding myself that the results I want are just around the corner and all I need to do is keep going gets me really excited to finally meet my goals.

Fixing my HORRID sleep schedule ദ്ദി ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ )

Ever since I was younger, and especially in recent years, I have been so awful at sleeping like a normal person. I go to sleep anywhere between 4 am and 9 am. Yeah, not fun and cool. Waking up with only an hour to enjoy daylight makes me feel terrible and in turn makes me unproductive because in my head, productivity is meant for the day time. I can't be productive if I'm not awake during the day LOL. I’ve created a goal to sleep no later than 1:30 AM and wake up no later than 9:30-10 AM. I’ve been trying to fix this habit for years, but i’ve never had the drive to do so. Now that I've shown myself that it is possible for me to actually stick to something (fitness journey), I have more hope and determination and discipline to finally conquer this horrible habit. 

Keeping a habit tracker ＿〆(。。)

I recently filled out a habit tracker my dad got me months ago that I never used. I have realistic things I can do and enjoy doing– like getting ready for the day, journaling, tidying up my house before winding down for the night, etc. Like I said, i’m finally building up self discipline– having a physical list to check off and visually keep track of my habits is a good thing for me. 

Not letting a slip turn into a slide ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡)

Almost 2 years ago, I read Jennette McCurdy’s book “I'm Glad My Mom Died”. In the book she speaks on getting over her bulimia, and the role model in her life told her “don't let a slip turn into a slide”. This really stuck with me, and I remind myself of it often when I catch myself slipping up. It means that a mistake doesn't have to snowball if you don't want it to. For example, if i accidentally ripped the corner of an important paper, I wouldn't saying "screw it" and rip the whole thing to shreds.

I slipped up a few times since my fitness journey started in October, but all I had to do was accept that what was done was done, and tomorrow is a new day that I can get back on track. Even when I didn’t workout for two weeks straight (which could be considered a slide to some, but not to me), I thought to myself “just because I slipped up for two weeks doesn't mean I should give up forever”. In the years prior, I would have given up. It was all or nothing to me back then. Now, I’ve learned that something, even the tiniest of things, is better than nothing. 

I realized being mean to myself and using tough love just doesn’t work at all: I work better when I have positive, encouraging thoughts and gentle reminders that I'm not perfect and I never will be. Progress takes time and beating myself up is counterproductive. 

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

Like ★star, I don’t quite believe in new year's resolutions. I used to, but there was so much pressure to fix every bad habit I’ve ever had on the first of each year, and it never ever worked. To me, new year’s resolutions are just an extension of the all or nothing mentality: most people think “well, I fell out of my good new year’s habits, better luck next year”– completely forgetting the fact that they still have quite literally 10 whole months to keep trying. I’m so excited to get back on track and continue my journey, and I’m even more excited to become the person I always wanted to be.

ﾒ𝟶ﾒ𝟶,

Xx.malice.xX

[amelylinaa]

went hiking ;]

i took myself and my little sister hiking recently, wanted to share some of the photos i guess

now it'll be more of my thoughts and feelings and other stuff that's probaly not important for you, if you're here for the cc - new infant stuff is being made, so stay tuned!

so I really feel like I've matured a lot, it's been one hell of a ride if you ask me about this year. Frankly speaking i've lost any meaning in my life, like at all, i didn't know what was I doing, who I was, where was I being and thoughts of future seemed so irrational, because there wasn't even any point of living till that time. I just couldn't see future for myself. In january I got diagnosed with CPTSD and things kind of started making sense in terms of my behavior, coping mechanisms, escapism etc. I've started reading reddit posts of people telling their stories of how they've coped with this diagnosis. I guess i never really fully moved on from it, so it mostly still taunts me when i suddenly remember that ah yes, i'm actually forever mentally ill, nice. But I just started to move on you know? obviously not without any help, first of all I started taking antidepressants, then my close ones were there in my toughest times, because the hardest and at the same time most familiar feeling is feeling lonely, like you'll never have someone who understands you, like you have so many relatives and people around your life, but at the same time you're so alone in your head and feelings to the point it suffocates you so much, that crying isn't even possible any longer.

What struck me the most when antidepressants started working (sadly only after 5 months from the moment they were prescribed) is that I never in my entire life felt so... alive??? I really can't remember the last time I've actually felt so balanced, I started having thoughts again (it was so shocking for me that in the beginning i actually had some big issues with sleeping, cause my mind just didn't know how to go to sleep when you're actually able to think), i got all those feelings of love back, that i never knew i was robbed of. Like i would look at my cat and actually start crying just from how much i loved her (now im just extremely happy seeing her hehe), I would look at my absolutely normal patreon/tumblr profile and get so emotional looking at how many lovely people like what i do and support me.

But this leads to another very sad thought that haunts me sometimes, that actually the way I was living all this time wasn't normal, it wasn't my quirk or character type or some other shit I would hear when talked about the way I was feeling (or rather feeling nothing). Like all this time I was always blaming myself. This really made me cry at first. Actually lots of things made me cry when I started my healing journey (now I just don't cry, it's an antidepressant thing).

Only after antidepressants started working all the other "normal" things started helping me cope with anxiety and feeling of loss and sadness like "oh just go for a walk", "start exercising", "journal", "drink more water and eat healthy". You now the shit people that never experienced depression tell you and it's not their fault they don't understand. Honestly it's actually insanely lucky for them, that they don't understand.

So writing all of the above I wanted to say that please, don't be hard on yourself, it's not your fault that you're that way, but unfortunately it's only you who can actually trully help yourself. Even if it seems like there's no point in doing anything and life seems meaningless, remember that there still can be things worth living for, even the smallest ones like who's gonna pet all the doggies and kitties??? or who will download all the most prettiest loveliest most perfectly done clothes by the best creator (me) on patreon/tumblr ever????hehehe. Life is unfortunately meaningless, if you don't give any meaning to it, and it's not your fault that you can't find it, just give yourself time.

I'm absolutely not even remotely close to healing (and honestly I don't even know if it's really possible with CPTSD), but I'm definitely feeling better. Actually I'm feeling kind of down right now, but that's ok!! Because well I'm sure sad for a reason and I'm just trying my best to embrace it and fully feel sad I guess, so I can move on and feel peaceful again, until a new emotion comes and I'll try to feel it again, because that's what apparently humans do as I've learned after taking antidepressants.

Hey, you've read all the way to here, woah, you know that I'm proud of you? And not just beacuse you've read my stupid thoughts, but just because you're here with us, you're very strong and I'm very proud of you.

stay safe, love you all to the moon and back, 

your silly girl, Ame <3

[fanfoolishness]

🌻🔪🕯️

ooooh!

🌻 ⇢ tag someone you appreciate but don't talk to on a regular basis

@marvel-starwarsfangirl I love all of your posts!

🔪 ⇢ what's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

Weirdest topic.... hmmmmmmm this is gonna take a minute! Weirdest is such a relative term. The obvious answer would be medical whump topics. Even though I'm a veterinarian I don't do emergencies (unless they literally walk through the door, we rec referral to our many excellent local ER clinics instead), and obviously I don't work on humans, so between those two things my ER knowledge is more limited. So I always do research on human whump unless it's a topic I already know extremely well. Even then I still usually will run through an overview and check a few journals or descriptions of what something actually feels like to make sure I'm not putting out anything wildly inaccurate when it comes to things like noncardiogenic pulmonary edema, crotalid envenomation, femoral fractures, or amputation recovery. But is that weird? I'm not sure!

I did have to research some basic military terms for a recent Bad Batch fic though just to make sure I sounded vaguely like I knew what I was talking about, and I'm also constantly looking up clone/Dragon Age armor names to make sure I'm talking about the right bit of armor, haha.

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

I really enjoy editing, I'd say it's 9/10. One, it gives me a chance to read my own writing, which I adore because it's mine and it's my story and I like it. While I get imposter syndrome about editing art sometimes, for some reason I have always been confident in my writing and relaxed in it, which helps. Two, I hate the idea of putting out something with obvious errors, so it's soothing to go through and make sure I haven't used the word "trembled" seventeen times and that people aren't breathing too much. Three, it's great to go through and see if there's a phrase I can add or tweak that makes the ending that much more resonant, once I've got the ending in mind. I mostly write in chronological order, so sometimes going back to the beginning once I've reached the end gives me the chance to work something in that will be a gut punch by the end of the story. I took 1 point off out of 10 because sometimes I am soooo impatient to post my story, but know I need to take the time for the editing -- sometimes just for a few minutes to an hour, but sometimes I let the story cool off for a day before I go back for the edit if it's a long one.

Thank you so much for sending these!

Ask game here!

[softapollo]

Got a question for you - two actually - if you don't mind~

1. I've been looking to reconnect with Apollo recently after having life majorly kick my ass. Any tips or recommendations as to getting back into the groove of things?

2. Have any blog recommendations for Apollo devotees? I don't mind deity overlaps either; they don't have to ONLY be Apollo.

Thanks again! 💛

Hi! I'll briefly touch upon 2, I don't follow anyone actually so uhm. Apollo devotee blogs let yourselves known in reblogs on this post so we can both check you out and see if we vibe c:

I'm so sorry to hear youv'e been having a rough time, and yes, reconnecting when you've been out of it can feel really overwhelming and weird. I... ramble so I am gonna put this under the cut.

A very crude summary of what I wrote below: don't worry about it being good enough. Try and gauge if you or your practice changed, experiment. No pressure, approach with an open mind.

Remember what your practice was like before; is that still something you want, or would you want changes? Does that type of practice still work for you now, is it enough, is it too much?

When I got back into my practice, my previous practice wasn't enough and I wanted more, but I also needed to build my way up to that. This is fine! I think it's good to know what you want to work up to, if at all. If you don't know, that's fine! See it as an experiment, to test the waters--see what works, see what doesn't.

More personal anecdotes, because that's kind of all we have: I had a period where I worried a lot about returning to my practice and doing "enough", and being "for real", for several reasons that are too long to go into rn. I asked Apollo about it; I pulled the Page of Cups. In that deck, it is a young child standing in a large pool of water, having some of that water scooped in their hands and offering it to the sky.

It was a very clear message for me that I shouldn't worry about it being "enough". At the time, I worried a lot about offerings being something I had to actually miss. But Apollo very clearly showed that even if it is what I have an abudance of, it is still a valid offering. So for weeks my practice was mostly me putting water on my altar for him, and also for my cats. I replaced the water once my cats had drunk it all or when I felt like it.

What this ramble is getting at; try not to get too caught up in doing it "right", or doing "enough". That has often been the reason why getting back has been tough for me personally; afraid of doing it "wrong".

Daydream about what your "perfect" practice with him would be like if there were no limitations; not what you think you should, but what you'd love to do, and then try to slowly wind that back to something that's realistic for you right now.

As always; little bits and pieces throughout the day. Talk to him while you're doing dishes. Share tea with him. Dedicate something you do a lot to him. Smile when you see the sun. If you want to get something more "substantial", write to him, journal to him. Read like... one page about him. I never felt like the little moments were "useful" or "mattered" but I think they are what eventually got me to the place where I am now. Put a picture on your phone or wall or whatever for him. Little things to like... weave him into your days.

Random idea; get a candle, dedicate it to you reconnecting with him. Light it whenever you want. Once burned entirely, that time it took will be your "reconnection" with him done. Not for him, but for you so that transition is more tangible. If that is something you feel like you need.

Do little things every day if and when you feel like it. It can take time, or it can be done immediately. It depends. Ask him, sit with him and talk and see how you feel. Little things can build up slowly, don't get too impatient with yourself, and know that small things aren't really "small". They matter.

For me, they build up to a very... overwhelming and significant moment about a week ago. I'm still very overwhelmed about it, to be honest. But I think that wouldn't have been either as intense or even like.. possible if I hadn't had those other "smaller" interactions. It mattered so much more because he is also with me in smaller, less overwhelming ways, you know?

If you have any specific questions or want help with anything or just wanna vent, you can always send another ask or DM me! <3

[zirielladior]

WHY HAVE I BEEN GONE SO LONG SJKJS

ella's diary ୨୧

saturday || 12.2.2023

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

hi guys, i'm back (after a century) and i'm gonna tell you why i was gone along with another update 😭

it's an extremely chaotic fall break & 'while-i-was-gone' summary, my apologies if you find it difficult to read.

so as of recently, i have a crush on a boy at school 😭 and i haven't liked a boy at school since i was nearly ten years old. it's been a few years.

it's been so chaotic, and i've been trying to journal about my school time and my thoughts at home and it takes up so much time along with me trying to manifest because apparently "it works!" so why not give it a shot.

well i did, and it works. only a bit though, along with the fact that every time i braid my hair in pigtails something happens between me and (we'll call him macaroni.)

we had fall break, and usually i love it, even though i can't stand my family for more than five waking hours, but this year, i couldn't wait to get back to see my friends, finish up school work, and get away from my family, (and maybe 1% cz i missed seeing macaroni at schl..?)

i've been so obvious lately, going to games he has and stuff and i'm pretty sure his friends know even if he doesn't i've seen him follow me into the library and walk by some of my classes so idk what to think (i need help 💀)

my friends keep telling me, not to stop every time i see him and when i see him (during lunch) i literally pause in my tracks and stare before i realize i'm probably being weird asf and then i turn around and my friends start getting excited with their usual dose of shits and giggles trying to see where i saw him (its like i have an entire process when i see him it's so pathetic 😭)

i'm terrifed and have to be sure that he knows, i probably like him. i mean we don't talk at all except for a few comments he made on my computer and me talking about his water bottle (it's stupid) and when he had detention i was getting grades for my test from my teacher and i should've picked a different time to ask but my teacher had told me to come in during break. (SO I DID 💀)

not only this, but me and my friends go to his games because on my friends likes someone on the team, and the other goes anyway for fun. so i started going with them, except my father grounded me because i took my computer to school and i'm not able to go anymore.

i feel kind of saved, because now i don't have to face the fear of being around him. and my friends they're constantly feeding me these delusions and what-if's which only excite me until i realize perhaps it isn't true. because nobody except for maybe 5 people i know have ever had a crush on me, not absolute strangers who i like and might like me back nobody as EVER "liked me back."

then again, i'm pretty sure his friends know bcz me and my 2 friends were walking out of the library and his friends left him where we were and started laughing when he found out we were right there and he ran back to his friends like he was embarrassed or something.

my friends ofc, keep telling me stuff like "oh after the game him and his mom both looked at you, so its possible he likes you and totally told his mom." but it's kinda believable because during the game his mom looked at me like twice and smiled at me. and he looks at me at school literally whenever we pass him when we're walking or something.

anyway, enough about my absolute panicking SCHOOOOOOLLL

i finally have straight a's guys !!

and i'm going to a melmar trilogy tour concert in may next yr, with my friends <3

also, i've been gone because my parents have been seriously wonky with their "after 9" or "after 10" rules on my devices and during the day i'm either reading or studying, but my winter break is in two weeks, and i WILL NOT DISAPPOINT my little lovelies reading this 💗 ty guys sm if you made it this far you guys are my real ones and you know it (🎄 if you made it to the end)

ALSO PLS WATCH DASH & LILY I WATCH IT EVERY YEAR SINCE 2020 WHEN IT CAME OUT AND YOU NEED TO WATCH IT - THERE AREN'T ENOUGHT PEOPLE IN THE FANDOM ITS AN AMAZING XMAS SHOW PLSSS

anyway

₊˚ʚ ᗢ₊˚✧ ﾟ.

love always, ella ୨୧

[capriciouscaprine]

good morning! food bloggin tiem!

I've gotten a LOT done on my paper so far so I'm proud of that, but my fear is cutting it all back out again due to length, plus I really need 5-10 more references from 2019 or sooner and so far both papers I've referenced do not fit that

how am I supposed to stay under 45 pages double spaced when I also have to have 25 recent references in my lit review AND have a comprehensive analysis of my intervention and its effects on my students??? (then again, I am the type of person who doesn't understand how people can fit journaling into their morning routines bc I'll fill PAGES once I start writing)

I had my yogurt bowl and coffee for first breakfast (~200) and then homemade waffles from my mom that I had in my freezer for second breakfast ~4 hours later (proud of waiting that long, too!); had a coffee with a single serving of caramel cold cream from a spray bottle on top, and wow is 10 grams of that not a lot; I had to add an extra splash of milk to actually enjoy my coffee after all; waffles (two squares from one of those four square waffle makers, with margarine and sugar free syrup) and coffee all together were ~300, and I ended up not finishing them bc I was full!! (not gonna subtract any tho ;) )

which, while I feel full, it's like my need for taste sensation isn't satisfied yet? I'm going to have water with mio 0 c sweet tea flavoring added, which I've been trying and seems to work well; I guess I'm going to become a flavored water person??

my meal entertainment today has been annika's leaf vlogs, which are the perfect blend of aesthetic and realistic; yes, her breakfast is instagrammable and her gym sets match, but she still has to clean up crumbs and there are random vegetables smashed into the mats she has to avoid?? I mention her here bc I had a mini revelation: she went with a friend and got fancy 'coffee' (barely) drinks and cake from a cute cafe, had SOME of her drink while there, and then TOOK THE CAKE HOME FOR LATER

she didn't even try it at the cafe; she featured it next to her drink at the cafe in the vlog, and that was it! maybe this seems obvious to everyone else, but it never occurred to me that while yes, I can get the fancy cake from the cafe an hour from my house while I'm there with a friend, I don't have to eat it right then and there!!! sometimes I'd get nauseous feeling like I HAD to try and eat what I ordered wherever we were even tho I wasn't really hungry, and I didn't even realize this was an option!!

I feel like this is a holdover from being a kid; you HAD to get whatever it was right then and there with your mom/aunt/whoever bc who knew when you'd get to go back, but then my family at least would judge you for being wasteful if you didn't finish it NOW; I feel like this might be different for someone with a different family or regional culture, but food as a souvenir really was not a thing in my family, and now I'm understanding how that may have impacted my long term relationship with food: order everything you like the taste of NOW, bc you might NEVER get to have it again, and if you don't finish it before you leave that's WASTEFUL (and yes, we were a 'clean plate club' household, how did you guess? lmao)

I don't think I'll be able to address this aspect of my relationship with food until I've sorted out my finances (aka gotten a better paying job) and have more free time to go to these fun food places regularly and prove to myself that yes I can go back whenever I want so there's no need to gorge myself right now immediately

ugh, I wanna finish this paper but I don't want to go back to working on it ;_; ;_; ;_; I guess I could load the dishwasher at least??