#the whole thing is just so tragic and compelling and I’ve read so much about it and her that I feel like I know her personally

[angeltannis]

Thrift store “haul” today 😇 the robot is a wind-up toy!

[xx-vergil-xx]

Can I ask what pushed you to end Hounds the way you did? It's a fantastic ending, but I'm curious. I expected the Fates to revive Dream, or allow him to inhabit a new form (such as one made by Daniel, so that Dream becomes a dreamthing), etc. But instead, his death is made to have never happened. Which makes it partly feels like Hob's whole road trip journey was for nothing since he lost all those memories and connections with Matthew, the Corinthian, Delirium, Despair, Desire, Death, etc. (thank god he kept the farmhouse). But it's almost like he traded all those memories and connections for Dream. Unless I missed something while reading (I was crying very hard).

Again, fantastic ending, and I'm also glad it's a happy ending. But I'm curious as to why you didn't go in the other direction

howdy! thanks very much for the ask — an excellent query, one which i’m happy to answer

(verg of the future: this answer ended up long! there’s a short form at the top here and at the end <3)

in brief: he did make that trade you described! but not strictly for dream — it was the price of swapping genres!

an explanation:

what i had in mind while planning and writing was less the idea of erasure of prior narrative action and more a subversion of the expected genre, in particular the genre tropes that follow dream in the original arc of the comics, where his story is very classically tragic (with the understood weaving of hob into that tragedy, this being a dream/hob telling and all)

for reference, i also drew a lot of inspiration for hob’s road trip odyssey from the aeneid, an epic that is, yes, about the founding of rome but also (at least to my reading) a fundamental tragedy — the cost of founding rome is aeneas’ home, many of his friends, much of his core family, and the very end of the story is not some victorious depiction of the glory of rome to be (which we do get earlier in the book, with the ekphrasis on his shield) but aeneas, overcome with fury and loss, killing a man who begs his mercy. i’ve always felt that the aeneid, while certainly stepped in the expected amount of roman nationalism, is centrally about a single man and his singular suffering as an instrument of higher destiny.

i wanted to model hob’s arc around the aeneid (minus, y’know, some of the chunks that are strictly battle sequences <3) both because intertextuality is a huge part of how i wanted to handle hounds (story about stories, made of other stories, etc), but also because hob and aeneas are fundamentally parallel characters — nomads with exceptional ordinances, permanently displaced by the passing whims of higher powers, men who are made to reckon with both extraordinary wonder and extraordinary tragedy regularly while still, at their core, just being human. that’s what makes aeneas so compelling — he’s just a man. and so is our beloved hob — that’s his whole thing, his whole narrative function and his whole central ideal, humanity

so then, approaching hounds with both the thought of the sandman’s original tragic contours (see: the whole lead-in to daniel. christ above is the way that goes devastating to read) and the man vs fate core of the aeneid, i was considering a lot of things about how to mess around with both notions without gutting them entirely. i tend to dislike tragedies that become un-tragic without some sort of Serious Payment For It (not to say i don’t like happy stories because i very much do! but i get ticked off when high stakes get deflated too quickly) and i didn’t want to undermine the very real fact that the Fates are typically not versed in notions of empathy and/or leniency, and that dream and hob and those around them did experience and endure devastation and loss, and that death is a fact typically immune to argument.

the world of sandman is not one with easy answers, and to my mind there’s no such thing as a bargain with the Fates where you break even. for hob to get what he wanted, something had to be given, something dear and vital and real. there’s more to what hob actually gives the Fates than he verbally stipulates, which i tried to address largely via the corinthian and his perception of the situation, especially those last conversations with dream in the “swamp”. i have a lot of options about the corinthian in his function as “dark mirror” having a blistering clarity of understanding much of the time, which is why i foisted the onus of those complexities onto his dialogue, rather than hob, who (and i say this with love) is a creature of bias and often blinded to greater repercussions of his actions insofar as they extend beyond his immediate objectives/enjoyments, or dream, who can see the bigger picture but i think often really keeps himself from doing so when it comes to anything at all that’s personal (king of stories has a blindspot for his own). what hob gives the Fates actually costs him almost nothing, in the long run, if we operate with the idea that he cannot remember, nor is there any lasting effect from, his 600-ish heavily-relived years. there’s narrative and symbolic weight, of course — he gives them love as an oath and as nostalgia (sidebar: his driving force is an almost pre-nostalgia, a continual love of the moment as the moment is passing, but anyway) (cuff links), he gives them in a captured moment the lovely discomfort and simultaneous brilliance of being alive (the hook, the finger prick the blood), and he gives them a rich and complicated experience of humanity (those 600 years). but practically, what is actually taken from him that he doesn’t just get back?

only those few months — and in them, a web of real and known connections, all of which matter, and all of which change his understanding of and relationship to things like grief, and loneliness, and fear, and forgiveness. those are important changes, real changes, that would affect how he operates in the world going forward. that development is gone. he returns instead to the (of course, fought-for and hard-won) stasis of what was, which becomes what will always be. in making the Fates and their judgement more complex, he has actually made his own life less complex. now, i’m not going to sit here and argue that “suffering has inherent value” or some shit like that because i think that’s bullshit! pain is just pain. but he does lose experiences which would have shaped him in new ways, and, i think, good ways. even important ways

and he may well be shaped towards similar courses with dream (especially re: learning that lesson about loneliness — i think hob suffers from the curse of always, ultimately, being alone (immortality etc there’s so much discourse about this), and the road trip was in part about him learning that though it is the simplest path it is neither the sole nor the best path), but he certainly doesn’t learn them the same way, with the same faces, with the same acuity and clarity and intensity.

the thing with the Fates (to me anyway) is that you don’t ever just win. maybe you can get what you want, but it’s not easy (it make take a thousand repetitions of your lifetime until friction and the touch of your hands wears the sisyphean boulder down to a pebble — like the parable of the bird scraping its beak on the mountain), and it’s sure not free.

so yes, those months are lost. that’s a big part of the price. and we don’t know, at the end, how much of that thing he really gave ultimately comes back — his new relationship depths with deanna or cori or the other endless, those things aren’t seen. the main arc is resolved — hob and dream — but there are still pieces missing. he loses a piece of his human experience, he gets tossed back around through the wringer of his life (which is often distinctly not pleasant), and he is, as he ever was, a character with a path whose impetus and dictation rest heavily on external forces. even in attempting to channel his life elsewhere, he still has to bargain, and is still subject to the choices of the fates, and in some ways the story remains irrevocably a tragedy, in that one way or another it has loss in a central place. in the latter half of hounds hob really became my attempted version of an aeneas type — a man with a quest and a fated directive, a deeply human and flawed individual, who can alter the path and even irrevocably change the genre of his own narrative, but only at cost.

of course let’s be clear! some of all the actual rendering of this ended up as it did partly because i am not always a clean writer, and for that i apologize! but i did genuinely want that sense of gaps — of faces and voices given over to the gravitational well of the principal narrative arc of hob/dream versus the Fates. i think those things are gone. the narrative is forcibly re-centered around hob and dream, and in doing this — in shifting the story genre — other ties and bonds are not just cut, but unwoven entirely. when you change the kind of story you’re telling, the change is done at the expense of something else. kind of like how there’s a fixed amount of matter in the universe? you can’t create or destroy matter — to make something new you have to take from another place. (sidebar: wow i’m realizing something about my fundamental storytelling beliefs right now! laws of physics! anon your ask has really got my cylinders firing, and most sincerely thank you <3)

still, they might come back. though i didn’t write it as fully as i could have (i will freely admit there was a great deal of burnout at play towards the end there), i had a lot of thoughts re: repetition and density, namely that if you stack a thousand repetitions of a lifetime against each other it’s the equivalent of writing a word over and over and over on a page. when you erase it, the channels remain. language flows most naturally in the direction once etched for it. maybe hob learns those same lessons and knows the same people in the same way — maybe he and the corinthian find that odd patch of common ground, maybe he takes a long drive with delirium through rural maryland. maybe there are echoes. maybe even if it is gone what was still shapes the topography. maybe a kindness or a word exchanged still ring out when you can’t see them or remember them. while the milestones of our lives rippled the most visibly, i think we’re shaped a thousandfold ways by accumulations of small things we can’t distinctly remember. only a feeling of a thing, or the negative space it leaves.

well. tl;dr — i didn’t want to let hob get away without actually giving anything up, nor without his choice to bargain affecting others besides himself in equally irrevocable ways (sidebar: at his core is a selfishness that is both charming and ignoble — he wants to do a good thing for dream but also he makes a call that changes a plenitude of lives other than his own, and i don’t think he really asks, he just does — grey areas are his whole gig to me), because nobody makes a deal with the Fates for free, and changing genre has a price tag. it was my effort to make the tone of the whole beast more authentically sandman-esque, since sandman does a lot of that sort of water-muddying, especially when using understood narrative models/archetypes/etc etc

i am. sorry this was as long as it is! jesus! but i’m sending it off all the same. anyways, anon, thanks very much not only for your lovely kind words and the high honor of your tears (no pulitzer could mean more to me than knowing a thing i wrote really moved someone, seriously thank you) but also for giving me a blank check to go buck wild and ramble about my own damn writing and Things I Just Think <3 i hope you have a lovely day/morning/noon/night, and thanks a bunch for dropping by <3 <3 <3

[valenteal]

I’ve been posting a lot about my thoughts on Dazai’s characterization and motivations but honestly I’ve been dedicating a lot more energy to trying to understand Oda. Dazai is an amazingly complex character but he’s a constant in the story and we know quite a lot about him, comparatively. Oda is incredibly mysterious and much harder to understand. My breakthrough earlier figuring out that Oda had the book has really helped me open my mind to another side of Oda I hadn’t yet considered.

The things is, authors have to be a bit cruel. Oda’s reasoning for not killing because he wanted to be a writer doesn’t make sense, we kill our own characters all the time. We put them through hell over and over for entertainment/to convey a deeper meaning. I think maybe one of the conditions of having the book is not killing directly, or maybe a certain level of removal from the storyline. Like, if you control reality and others lives with the book you’re giving up a certain amount of control physically in the moment.

Oda is a killer. He is friends with killers. And if I’m right about him being the author of the Dark Era he wrote the deaths of the kids. I think his reaction was genuine, I think he really felt like he shouldn’t have the book, that he didn’t deserve to be its author anymore, but I really think that he wrote the story to give Dazai the opportunity and the motivation to get a better life. I mean, I’ve made myself cry with my writing. The most compelling stories are full of tragedy.

Oda was a child assassin. He was a writer. He was a mafioso. But most of all he was Dazai’s friend.

Wait! Holy shit idea!

Okay so Natsume had the book before Oda, but he was definitely following Dazai around before he got the book so we know there’s already a connection there. I’ve been wondering why Oda was so attached to Dazai. But Natsume wrote the story he adored, the third installment which Oda finished was The Book. But what did Natsume write about? What exactly were the books Oda loved? What if it was Dazai’s story? What if Oda knows Dazai so well because he read his life story over and over and yearned to give him a happy ending? What if his whole motivation was to finish the story in a satisfying way? And everything from the orphan’s existence to Ango’s betrayal was to create an open ended story in which Dazai could potentially have have a better life?

Oda is such an incredible character. He’s full of contradictions until you actually start thinking of him as an author. We authors have strange minds, we love our characters but we put them through so much. Because we wouldn’t love them if we didn’t make them struggle, make them realistic and deep and meaningful. Oda knew the kids were going to die, he wrote it. But he got attached like anyone would. But he was done writing the story, all that was left was for it to play out. So he passed ownership of the book to Dazai and went to play his role.

Fuck I’m getting emotional omg Odasaku is wonderful. I don’t even care if the entire theory is wrong, I’ve figured Oda out with the information I was given and filled in the blanks. Asagiri himself wouldn’t be able to make me give this theory up.

Oda isn’t a good person with strong morals the way he presents himself. He does that to fill the mentor roll for Dazai and to get Dazai to make the desired decisions. He just a fan who was given control of the story by the original author and basically used all the writing tools ever to create a story in which the character he loved but who was tragically doomed and seeped in darkness could find some happiness. Just like anyone writing a fix-it fic. Accept his fix is canon.

Holy shit I’m a genius.

Don’t come at me you have no idea how proud I am of this! Either I figured out the most confusing character ever written or I have created a genius explanation that nothing will ever top (for me anyway).

[j2zara]

for the ask game!! 📚 💭 👖

Sorry these took all day i've been out and Tired as hell but thank u!

📚 Do you read your own fic?

I try to not feel embarrassed that the answer is yeah bc like I think if other ppl reread their own work it would make sense!!!! Like I would not judge at all and honestly co-sign rereading ur own shit. I literally tell ppl that the reason I write is bc like. It’s basically the chance to craft your own perfectly tailored special interest to share with others. So like. Why wouldn’t I like it? (And this was especially true when I was trying to write original stuff which is why it’s so frustrating I never finish anything. But also a little true now too. This whole weird cloneverse was the product of my dumb thought experiment “what if the clones were people who had the capacity to be just as tragic as Jace). It’s got everything I like in it. I try to tell myself anyway. In practice it’s like. Argh.I kinda go through periods where I like. And this is usually after I JUST posted. Wanna do other things but end up distracting myself by rereading the thing I just made over and over. And then I forget it exists and often in my mind it’s like. Oh I don’t wanna read that i think bc I have residual feelings of like. Idk embarrassment I guess? Like I convince myself it’s old and probably bad but sometimes when I’m glancing at old things I write for. Refresher purposes (usually on cloneverse lol) I end up getting suckered back into rereading it like oh hey is this actually. Good?

Anything older I mostly haven’t looked at in a while bc idk. I’m very hard on my old self. I did reread my Reddie sky high au thing and went. Hm this is actually fun I like this. Most of my IT stuff is like. Ok I think? This is kinda related but I JUST got a comment on a talent swap I wrote for DR and I literally haven’t updated the thing since 2018 and I feel so bad for abandoning it but. Part of it is bc I think if I were to come back to it I would wanna redo some of the old chapters and I feel so pained looking at the early chapters. I keep telling myself I’ll get to it. My Mukuro and Hiro proxy sibling agenda deserves it, they deserve to be best friends so bad, I’m sad I abandoned them. 

💭 What is a headcanon you have about your own work?

This is such a funny question bc I’m such a goddamn blabbermouth so I feel pretty confident that I’ve already posted so much cringe abt the headcanons for cloneverse. Like. Technically J3’s personality started as a headcanon in that i was like “oh, Porter was flirting with J3 the entire time he was falling in love with J2”. 99% of the time if i feel compelled to say it i will just say it? Actually you know what? I just thought of one that might be kinda schmaltzy and i feel bad for not saying its a 100% certainty but in my heart Ankarna grants all the clones some form of true life but it would probably be some fucked genie deal where its like there’s a reincarnation au or something. Like they have to find each other again or something. Very Hadestown Orphydice anybody got a match coded. Genuinely b/c J4 wishes she was never Of Jace she gets what she wants and its like good/bad. Bc i can never stop putting the clones in the torment nexus I don’t know if that’s completely stupid

👖 Are you a planner, plantser, or pantser? Is it consistent?

I try so hard to be a planner bc I’m so frustrated by my pantser process. Like. Idk i tend to just ride momentum but without foresight you end up going in directions that can be kinda formless and completely wrong and idk. I have such hard time finishing things b/c of this i think. But when I try to plan I’m also so bad at it i don’t think I’ve ever finished a real and true outline before I start. I want to be the kind of person that has clean outlines but. Idk. So by default I guess I’m a plantser bc I do have docs full of notes but my notes are always super messy and like. Idk what I’m doing evolves so much while I work that half the time the notes end up not even accurate to what I’m aiming for. Worst of both worlds life

[trashlie]

ILY FP 210, 211, 212

WOOOOOOOF I’ve been holding off on writing this post, because I wanted to wait for this whole “episode” to fully come out. Quimchee revealed they were all meant to happen in one episode, but SO MUCH was happening in the episode that it was too long to do as the one. I... kind of wish I hadn’t waited because now there is SO MUCH for me to cover, so I’m going to do my best to keep this organized and coherent.

No lie, these go up there in my top episodes, especially 212. I have a feeling I might have some different feelings than others on this one...? We’ll see, I’m keen to hear how all of you are thinking and feeling about it. To me, these episodes really encapsulate a good 80% of the plot that we’ve been dealing with, and there’s some good reveals in here that have been a LONG time coming. I think everything is set up now for the time skip to come, and especially after all the events that transpired this arc (remember how this all started out so many moons ago with Nol going to the company Christmas party? That feels like it was years ago to what is happening now!) I am BEYOND excited to see what the time skips have in store for us! 

Anyway, before I start spoiling things, let’s get into it!

Well and truly, I love this arc! It’s really capture so much of the story this bigger story has centered on - the relationship between Nol and Kousuke. This isn’t the root of the story, of course, but it’s a significant portion of what we’ve come to read for, I think, and I cannot tell you how much I love seeing the characters verbally acknowledge things they’ve swept under a rug. 

212 felt especially raw to me - Kousuke’s confessions are tragic in the way of too little too late, and the realization that Nol was never against him, that he was always on the same side, that they could have been an incredible team may come to haunt him. That acknowledgement of his that nobody really liked him - no one else but the one person he had demeaned and devalued until he was truly nobody - really hit me like a sucker punch. I truly thought these were truths Kousuke wouldn’t be able to reach until he lost more, like his job or his sense of self, but I guess we can argue that he’s lost a lot of his sense of self; from the moment he punched Nol, it’s clear that he’s dissociating. That also serves to tell us how important this moment is for Kousuke, what it means to him, what Nol means to him.

Now, I’ll be upright honest with you guys, because I think this is where the difference of opinions will come in. I really enjoy stories with this kind of element of hatred and care so intricately interlaced in family or friends. There’s something about this sense of care being overwritten by jealousy so scathing it mutates into resentment and hatred and loathing. The way these two feelings battle out, the way ugly emotions are so strong they come to eclipse any hope for warmth. Idk it’s intriguing to me, it creates a compelling story. 

And in Kousuke’s case, it is! A running theory has been that Kousuke treats Shinae the way he does because he is, subconsciously, treating her how he wishes he’d treated Nol. As the story went on and Kousuke’s ugliness started to come out more and more and his paranoia began to consume him, I think it was probably difficult for many to find credence in this theory - that there was no way Kousuke could have cared about Nol and transferred it to Shinae when he treated Nol how he did but I’m still here for the theory. It’s just that Kousuke’s ugliness was so strong, overwhelming, it eclipsed anything else. 

Now I’m not saying I think Kousuke loves Nol or thinks of him as a brother, but rather I think deep down, he understood they were connected. As a child, Nol was the only person who didn’t treat Kousuke like an object - like a puppet or rich vending machine or influence to be gained. But how could Kousuke allow himself to think so favorably of Nol when he was so deeply rooted in jealousy? 

This is what I find especially intriguing about their dynamic. Something I talk about a lot is that Nol and Kousuke are both the products of abuse - Kousuke is the way he is due to neglect and manipulation, and in turn he took that out on Nol. I’ve seen people say Kousuke doesn’t make sense to them, but he DOES and this episode really drove that home and confirmed a lot of things I’d felt. 

Kousuke’s treatment of Nol all stems from Rand and his affair. Let’s look at it from Kousuke’s perspective. He has a father who is never around, and when he is he’s busy and always puts his career first. He rarely joins them for family time, there’s a rift between him and his wife. All young Kousuke wants is for his father to spend time with him, to be around, to notice him. His mother tells him things - if he’s a good boy Father will pay attention; if he wants his father’s attention he needs to be just like him; if he wants Father to care to notice he must be exactly like him. But his mother also says other thing - that there’s someone else, money is being wired to someone. At school people murmur similar things. 

All he wants is his father’s approval, his father’s pride, his father’s attention, his father’s time. He must not be good enough, yet. He must not matter, yet. He’ll make sure he does, though. He’ll do exactly what his mother says, he’ll buckle down just like she tells him, he’ll make sure to become the perfect son that his father can be proud of. 

So you can understand, then, why the discovery that the murmurs are true, that there’s another family, would shatter him the way it did, why it remains a point of breaking for him even as an adult, why he never really reconciles his father’s affair. How is it that the man who has no time for him or their family, had enough time to create a second family? Why was he so undeserving of his time? Why was he so undeserving of his attention? 

And it rooted deep inside him, right in the core of his foundation. This other boy who describes his father as someone who couldn’t possibly be the same man as his father - a funny man, a kind man. That is not the father Kousuke knows, so why does this other child know him? (Never mind that this child has also never met that version of his father.) It all stems from that: a craving for something he’s never received. 

Kousuke’s whole speech about how there was only one kind, sweet, generous, funny person in his life was the very person he attacked and tore down hit me HARD. His admission of fear, that he ACTUALLY ADMITTED TO BEING SCARED, that he’ll never be good enough for Rand, that nothing he would ever do would make him worthy of his attention actually hurt. This is the kind of thing I’ve been wanting Kousuke to acknowledge and embrace, because it’s the one thing that has been fueling and propelling him. He doesn’t do this job because he’s passionate about it - he does it because he’s still vying for love and attention. He didn’t forsake his childhood because he was above it - he literally sacrificed it for his father. Regardless of what you think about Kousuke now, it has to be acknowledged that he, too, has suffered. And let’s not pretend that Yui truly believed that Kousuke could win Rand’s affection this way - it still feels like it was a game for her, a manipulation to turn him into someone she could use to get her way, a puppet if you will. It’s fucking sad to think that he gave up everything because he was so determined to earn his father’s love, that his love and attention was believed to be so conditional he had to make himself worthy of it. 

“I hate you for making me aware this person exists. And I hate your face being a constant reminder of it.” 

So many times, Kousuke has berated Nol for his playful, joking behavior, for seeming so lax and carefree. I’d always thought it was jealousy that he didn’t have that kind of life, that he wasn’t allowed it - and that probably is still a part of it - but now we know that when Yeonggi laughed and played around, he was a vision of a version of Rand Kousuke had never known, a spitting image of a man Kousuke didn’t even know could exist. 

And as Nol points out, it was all for naught. All of Kousuke’s jealousy and his fear, tearing down Nol so that he could instead get to know that version of Rand. All of it was for naught, because who knows if that man even exists? It seems like only one person ever knew her, and who’s to know if she didn’t make him up. Kousuke has spent his entire life - sacrificed his childhood, accelerated himself through school, forsook any fun or leisure - on a quest for a man who probably doesn’t exist, for something he’ll never achieve. He spent his whole life tearing down someone innocent trying to get to something he’ll never have. 

I really thought it would take for Kousuke to lose it all, to stumble in his career before he’d realize it, but here he is. 

But on the other side of that, we have Nol. Nol, who also lost - and lost more than Kousuke did. Nol who was isolated and alienated, Nol who tried time and time again to reach out and create a connection, and was refused every time. Nol who suffered under Kousuke and Yui’s watch over and over. Nol, who despite it all, still tried to treat Kousuke well, still tried to give him a chance, still tried to reach out to him at his most desperate. 

I think that really illustrates something important: an understanding that there is a reason for Kousuke’s behavior and his paranoia, where it comes from, but that reason doesn’t justify. I can acknowledge both that Kousuke absolutely is the product of his environment and that he has been an asshole about it lol. Idk I can admit that my intrigue in his has grown a LOT. 

These episodes have just tapped into something so deep that I love about this series - that our experiences heavily color our interpersonal relationships, as well as our relationships with our own selves. Nol notes that he, too, suffered, he, too, lost, he has been alone and alienated and despite it all he still tried, and he still attempted to be a good person, in contrast to Kousuke who let his suffering turn him into an asshole. It was kind of a hard-to-read moment, because Nol spoke the truth, and as much as I feel for Kousuke, Nol is right. Because he never attempted to deal with those ugly feelings, because he never chose to face them, because he instead wore them as armor, it became his identity, he became an asshole through those experiences. Had there ever been a moment that he could have met Nol in the middle, that he could have put aside his jealousy, that he could have turned off his Rand blinders, he could have seen what Nol was able to see earlier and more clearly. And isn’t that sad? They could have been a great team, they could have had each others’ back in a world where no one else did, they could have been there for each other, but Kousuke couldn’t cross that line. 

Again, I fully acknowledge that Kousuke is the way he is because of those experiences. I acknowledge that this is the wake up call he needed, that he was forced to finally reckon with the truth. 

But I also worry what will come of Kousuke as a result of Rand’s arrival. Is he going to backpedal? Is this going to short-circuit something and push him to double down, or is it going to free him? 

Kousuke has spent his entire life trying to earn Rand’s favor, to earn his attention. Everything he has done has been an angle to get closer to his father. Like, when you break it all down, that’s the sad, basic truth. He was a child who so desperately wanted his father’s attention that his life became about that. And here comes Rand, showing up when it looks like Kousuke is running away. Rand who never had time for him, Rand who didn’t shower him with warmth and affection. 

Rand who showed up and wailed “My son” in response to Nol. 

That whole scene honestly hurts me. Nol is hurt, Rand is anguished and horrified, and Kousuke? Kousuke finally witnessing his father show a fatherly side - and it wasn’t for him. And not only that but Rand might not even believe that Kousuke was trying to get help, that he attempted to get Nol up but couldn’t. And does it even matter when the truth is that Kousuke DID cause this? I can’t imagine it was his intention - I don’t think his mind went “punch Nol and he’ll fall over the railing” as much as Nol tried to leave and Kousuke reacted on that. But the point still stands: even if it wasn’t his intention, this is still ultimately his fault. Nol goaded him on and played a part, but Kousuke was the hand that acted. 

I fear that this will ruin what little relationship Kousuke has with Rand - and it’s a fear because it means Kousuke could swing in two wholly opposite directions. Does he double-down and return to the side of his mother, the only family member who has made him feel like someone’s child? I don’t think he’s at the point where he can extricate himself from the family, as good as it would be. And I worry that if that’s the case, will he double back down on his treatment and resentment of Nol? For this one moment, he saw that they were equals, that they both had a broken, shitty relationship with Rand. And then Rand showed up, showing that paternal side Kousuke has longed for. 

As much as I WANT Kousuke to hold on to that moment, I don’t know that he can. I think the cracks have formed and I think his fragile reality is crumbling faster, but I fear he’ll retreat back into the “comfort” of the world he knows. 

Here’s the thing about Kousuke: on some level he knows. He knows that Yui isn’t great, he knows that she has done awful things, he knows that Nol did no wrong, he knows that Rand will probably never change. But these are such uncomfortable truths and he has spent his life propped up by a false reality. This was pointed out by AugmentedElle on reddit, but look at the difference in Kousuke’s flashbacks. Look at the memory in 210 vs 212. The flashback in 210 is the strongest, most vibrant memory we’ve yet seen. Ordinarily they’re in some kind of grey scale, or at least muted colors, sometimes with spot color like in Shinae’s. In Nol and Kousuke’s flashbacks thus far, we’ve seen those muted colors or alterations - Nessa’s face appearing scribbled out in Kousuke’s memories, just as in 212. The use of color suggests that the memory in 210 is, quite possibly, fabricated. It starts out with Kousuke dazed, unable to remember what just happened, and Yui comes in and tells him he won’t have to see that boy for a long time. It feels like something happened - that perhaps Kousuke did something (the huffing that parallels his huffing after he punches Nol in the current story) and blocked it out or whited out and Yui came in and gave him an iteration of the story. It’s the strongest memory because it didn’t come from him - because it was filled in and colored in by someone else. The whole time we’ve thought Nol had perhaps been pushed to the bring, that Kousuke instigated a fight and Nol snapped, but maybe it was never Nol. Maybe the whole time Kousuke has associated Nol with danger and violence - because he was wired to think that way. That whatever happened and lead to that moment was so traumatic he doesn’t have the real memory, and instead carries a fabrication. 

And that is essentially the basis of Kousuke’s entire life. Regardless of intent, Yui does manipulate Kousuke. She says things knowing full-well the effect they’ll have. Consider that moment with Nol and Nessa vs Yui in Kousuke’s flashback in 212. He watches Nessa blow raspberries on Nol’s cheek, a warm and silly exchange full of so much love and care - and then he looks up at Yui, who wears her maternal mask, shadows falling eerie over her face. Doesn’t it feel so much like she set this up? Doesn’t it feel like she knew Nessa and Nol would be around? She fills his head with things like “the only way to get your father’s attention is to be just like him” and “we’re not like other families we’re so special” and “isn’t it just so wonderful that rand at least has enough time to eat with us”? That’s not vouching for Rand - that’s passive aggression towards Rand and creating an idea of who Rand is - that Rand unwittingly lives up to. Despite speaking of the affair in front Kousuke, she turns and tells him that “Your father values us too much, he would never do such a thing” - a blatant lie that only plays into that feeling Kousuke wears that he’s been cheated, that there exists a version of his father that has been denied to him. Nessa tells Nol that Rand was a kind, sweet, generous, funny man. Yui tells Kousuke that Rand is anything but funny and he has no time for jokes. Maybe both are true, but Nol’s unintentionally makes a point about how Yui speaks of Kousuke’s father, vs how Yui spoke of Nol’s father. Why would a parent speak ill of the other parent -- if not to make the child see them that way. 

(She also tells him there’s nothing she hates more than people who don’t take things seriously, and well, look at how Kousuke came out.) 

There’s a fragile cognitive dissonance between what Kousuke knows to be true - that is, the reality that has been shaped by his experiences and Yui’s manipulation - vs actual reality, and we’ve seen this a number of times when various events threaten that tentative balance. Kousuke at the club, angry and paranoid, is aware of what people really think of him. Deep down he knows people don’t see him as great, as an honorable gentleman. Deep down he knows he’s a selfish, judgmental asshole, but it doesn’t fit the fabricated reality he believes in, so it only comes out in his paranoia. He knows that Nol is like him, that he didn’t have the love Kousuke coveted, that he tried to get by quietly, but Kousuke’s fear and paranoia still thought of him as the boy who had earned the love that Kousuke couldn’t, and that made him a threat. He knows what kind of person Yui is and has tried to draw boundaries, but he’s still told her things about Nol that she could act on, because he knows what she is capable of. When people or events fracture that reality, he struggles and lashes out, because he needs that reality to keep it together, but it’s crumbling fast. 

Between the phone call with Rand and the moment that Rand shows up on the scene - what is the state of Kousuke’s reality? Is it crumbling? Is he trying to stuff the crumbling rocks back into the foundation? Will he retreat to his mother, the only one who can keep the tint of his rose colored glasses or will he be forced to face reality for what it really is? I wish it would be the latter, but I just don’t know if he’s ready for it yet. I don’t know if he can face that which he’s run from this whole time just yet. 

As for Nol, woooooooof. What a fucking NIGHT. To think - THIS IS HIS GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. On the one hand, I think, maybe this can give him some kind of peace. He’s finally gotten a piece of Kousuke’s mind, he finally knows how Kousuke sees him, what he thinks of him, and what motivated him all these years. Maybe with this knowledge, Nol will be able to walk away in peace. He doesn’t have to wonder anymore. He knows where he stands - and where he’s always stood - and I think he’s made it clear that he’s drawn his line. He is done, he is finished, with all of them. If Kousuke can find his way to the other side of the line, then good for him, but Nol has no intention of trying to bring him over anymore. 

I do think there’s a lot of room for them to reconcile in the future - when Nol’s raw anger has maybe ebbed, when Kousuke has found himself and learned to stand on his own ground, rather than prop himself up by his fabricated reality. But they are far from there. I’ve said before that I had a feeling maybe we’ll see the three main characters reunite in the time skip as adults after having gone separate ways, and that feeling still lingers. Nol has made it clear that he still wants to get away - and frankly I think he needs to. I wish he’d say so much to his friends, I wish he’d tell them where they stand. I feel so bad for Shinae, who went through so much grief and angst and really put herself out there to bring him back, to get her closure - and then when she had it and was ready to let him go, he insisted on staying. For him to turn around and leave like that again, after everything she told him, after the ways she opened up to herself, god that must hurt a lot. I guess on the one hand, she got the closure she wanted but.... it wasn’t even that long ago that Nol was making jabs at Kousuke for abandoning his friends, and there he goes doing it a SECOND time. 

There’s a piece I’d love to give more time and thought to - that maybe all along, on a deep, subconscious level, Kousuke feared Nol leaving and that’s why he’s always acted when Nol was on the leave. If Nol leaves he’ll be truly alone. If Nol goes, there is truly no one left who ever liked him, who ever saw any value in him. This post is already long enough, so I’ll try to spit that out later this week, if I can. I think it’s not a coincidence that Kousuke punched Nol as he was leaving, that he didn’t bring himself to do it when Nol promised he’d leave, just as he let Yui know Nol was planning to leave. Maybe he doesn’t recognize it yet, but I think Kousuke is terrified of being left alone and Nol escaping without him. 

Like I said, more on that later, but it’s an important point that I think ties in really well with this relationship Kousuke has towards Nol. It’s complicated, fucked up, toxic, and messy, and it needs a LOT of untangling by professional help. But I do think these last episodes really set something up for Nol and Kousuke’s future - as much as there is so much resentment and anger between them, there’s a mutual sense of longing, of needing each other to fill a void: for Nol, he sought out a brother in Kousuke, a companion against the adults in their lives; for Kousuke, that knowledge that Nol, too, had suffered that neglect, and was the only person who had ever truly liked him. I think one day when that anger has died, when they’ve made peace and hopefully worked on themselves, when Kousuke has freed himself, I think there’s a chance they will be able to reconcile. Like I said, maybe they’ll never be family to each other; there’s so much damage there, it’s really possible that can never be undone. But I think at some point, at least, they will see themselves on the same side, rather than each other. 

[whoredmode]

As requested, talking about Saint's Row 1.

Troy is my absolute fave character in the series and his role and characterization in 1 is so compelling and nuanced and he deserves better recognition, and also deserved a better continuing storyline and involement in 2.

The torn loyalties. The fact that he's really trying his best to keep everyone alive. The fact that he fails. His willingness to help out anyone in the gang when he can, even if just in the hopes of keeping the murder count down. The pretty obvious implication that he's the one who saves playa in the opening.

And most importantly, he's jonsing for a funbag.

Excited for your ramble rant!

TROY‼️

my second fave for sure (dex gets the number one spot for me but troy is right behind him).

oh my god i know. ppl love to laugh at the foreshadowing w him but it’s legitimately so well done. like i’ve said it before but the fact we can catch it and feel vindicated by it just proves that it was very seamlessly written in? just the lil things. his constant nerves, his care and fear for lin in particular, the way he walks around questions, the way that even monroe clearly doesn’t like him and doesn’t tell him things? the fact the fucking game manual is written by him! he’s such a genuinely compelling character, and that continues into sr2, even if he got so unfairly cut from that narrative. and the narrative afterwards as a whole, i suppose.

and oh my god the opening. troy being the one who saves them. julius not introducing himself but introducing troy. julius and troy’s whole dynamic in sr1 makes me CRAZYYY!!! it may be a fairly unpopular reading of it but i LOVE reading their dynamic as julius knowing full well that troy is undercover. i need that constant tension. i need them in that push and pull. i need troy being so unsure of himself and his beliefs. he knows julius is full of shit but at the same time julius knows he’s buying into it, that he cares about the saints. their fate is in each other’s hands. like it’s insane.

not to mention dex and troy, which is literally like 90% of this blog. i cannot shut up about these two. destined to hate each other in every universe. i’m very into the cyclical relationships between characters in my canon, how in some ways it feels as if some ppl are fated to go through the same motions and issues over and over again w the same ppl, and that plays a huge role in dex and troy’s dynamic in particular. they will never be rid of each other. but my god their sr1 dynamic specifically is so good. i just love it. dex being so suspicious of him, finally figuring him out but not being able to say a word bc. who would believe him? so many saints barely respect him as a lieutenant, already think he’s gonna be the one to betray the saints (“pulling some warren williams shit”). what is he supposed to do. he just has to sit there and watch as troy continues to lie. and then the actual confrontation we hear through the recordings? how troy respects dex too much to deny it? oh my goddd

anyway ig all that to say. there’s just so many beautifully tragic elements to sr1, and a lot of them revolve around troy and his role as a character, as the betrayer, as the conflicted friend. torture that blonde man some more.

[aliteratewolf]

The Fiction Writer

The Fiction Writer

Jillian Cantor

Rating: 3 Stars

So a couple months ago I decided to join Aardvark Book Club to see how it compared to Book of the Month. I’ve been a member of BOTM for some years now and thought “Why not branch out? Try something new?” Fiction Writer was one of the first books I got from them and let me tell you, first impressions were… not great.

The book opens up with the protagonist Olivia struggling to come up with a third book after a failed retelling of Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier. Her flop of a book was called Becky, a Rebecca retelling through the point of view of the first wife’s ghost (which honestly sounds good and I wish I was reading that instead) NOTE: while I don’t think it’s strictly necessary to read Rebecca before this one, it pulls a lot of themes and also spoils the book so there’s that.

She gets whisked away by a 3rd generation rich man Henry “Ash” Sherwood who claims that du Maurier stole his grandmother’s life story, and our protagonist has the chance to ghostwrite his book and get his grandmother’s story out. Olivia is insanely tempted one, for the advance that would sustain her for a while, and a chance to get a glimpse in the uber rich life. She is also intrigued because Ash’s late wife Angelica who died tragically, if under unusual circumstances.

Olivia gets whisked away to California to do some preliminary “get to know you” and “see your grandmother’s journals” conversations, and things start getting weird immediately. For starters Ash seems reluctant to talk about his grandmother’s journals which supposedly outlines her life, which he’s claiming du Maurier stole. He keeps saying the journals are away being translated, but keeps moving the day they come back to “Oh tomorrow for sure,” or “Fedex is running late, tomorrow definitely.” 

Then whenever Olivia tries to poke for more information he’ll distract her with his charm and handsomeness and she’ll let it go, despite being increasingly frustrated with him. AND THEN if she continues to push for information on the book she’s there to write he’ll leave in a huff, claiming he has to go into the office. Then somehow, without actually having done anything wrong herself, she’ll wind up apologizing to him.

Look maybe this is just me being gay, but I can’t imagine a man being handsome enough to put up with that kind of behavior for DAYS. He doesn’t answer her questions, keeps asking HER about herself, flirts with her one minute, leaves pissed off the next, distracts her by cooking dinner (or having his live in housekeeper/dead wife’s cousin do it) and just wholly acting shady as shit. I understand Olivia has a 50K lifeboat hanging over her head if this deal works out, but there’s only so much this woman should be willing to put up with before saying “Hey, I’m here to work on a book and if there’s no book I’m walking away”

While all this is happening Olivia is also meeting up with Noah, a college friend she hasn’t seen since her first book sold. Despite the fact that they haven’t spoken in years he’s happy to meet up with her and tries to help with her research, despite the fact she signed an NDA. Olivia thinks Noah hasn’t seen her in years because she made it big with her first book before he did and he couldn’t handle being in her shadow. She also knows that something happened between him and Jack, her recent ex. Jack was sure that Noah had a crush on Olivia, which she denied up and down. (At the end of the book it’s proven true, Noah had a crush on her the whole time and confesses his feelings for her at the end of the book. It had very little payout)

ALSO we’ve got excerpts from another book called The Wife, told through the eyes of Angelica, Ash’s late wife. It seems she was also writing a book loosely based on du Maurier’s Rebecca as the first wife. Honestly the excerpts are more compelling than this book. But before Angelica’s book could come out, her agent has bad news, another book with a similar story was already written. My problem with this is that Olivia’s book didn’t do well so I think she could still come out with hers? It wouldn’t be the first time two similar books came out close together, trends are a thing.

I won’t keep going because frankly, this book was okay at best and I want to move on. To answer the question I posed at the beginning tho; Is Aardvark worth it? I’d say yeah. Since this book I’ve also picked up How to Solve Your Own Murder by Kristen Perrin, Midnight is the Darkest Hour by Ashley Winstead, I was a Teenage Slasher by Stephen Graham Jones and more. With any book subscription there’s gonna be some duds, but I look forward to reading some of the other ones I’ve gotten.

[starlight-time-machine]

Week in Review

07/14/2024 – 07/20/2024

Sunday

Week 23 of missing Cipher Academy

Undead Unluck was pretty cute this week. It’s great to see that even in this loop, Tatiana still loves Panpanda…I’d love to hug the Panpanda mascot too…

One Piece is so good…get them robot boy…

Monday

Nothing whoops

Tuesday

Chainsaw Man…

After playing it feverishly for the past week, I finally 100%d Kirby and the Forgotten Land (and on Wild Beast mode, too). I’m not a hardcore gamer by any means, and this is what one might call a “game for babies,” but man some of the true final bosses were really tough. The game as a whole was super fun, though – I love games where you look around for collectibles, and this one certainly had those in spades. But I also appreciate that they designed each level in a way where if you had to replay it, you can just speed through it pretty quickly. All the little achievements and challenges were super fun (…most of the time), and I loved upgrading these familiar Kirby abilities into bigger and cooler things. And of course, all the Mouthful abilities are pretty funny. My favourite ability was Ranger – I loved just sniping enemies from afar and using the space blast and auto lock-on to cheese bosses. Speaking of the bosses…this was like the Dark Souls of video games for me, but I surprised myself by actually getting decent at memorizing patterns and dodging attacks (again, the most action intensive game I’ve played other than this is has been button mashing my way through Yakuza 0). And even though the coliseum wrecked my thumb, I had a lot of fun getting through it, and managed to beat the weird final boss orb thing by the skin of my teeth. And of course, all the gachapon figures were super cute and fun to collect. Overall, I’d give this game a 9/10.

I ended up dropping City of Girls because after we got to the theater, the story didn’t seem like it was going to be the vibes I was looking for…and after checking some reviews, I think my intuition was right. It seems like it’s more of a young girls having reckless fun story rather than a Revue Starlight We’re Already On The Stage type story, so I didn’t feel the need to read any further.

Wednesday

The new Oshi no Ko chapter is so annoying lol we’re just hitting all the cliché thriller beats now, huh? First the tragic misunderstanding and now the eleventh hour twist that the true culprit was an actual “crazed fangirl,” okay… After Oshi no Ko wraps up, I probably won’t read anything from this writer again. I’ve just completely lost all faith in their ability to wrap up a compelling story and make good on an interesting premise.

Started reading A Magical Girl Retires, which caught my eye with its gorgeous cover and intriguing premise. So far, the opening chapter spoke to me so much that it was scary, but the actual prose feels a little lacking.

Thursday

Alright, I finished A Magical Girl Retires, and god I wish it was a 300 page novel or a 24 episode anime instead. There really just wasn’t enough time to get to know the characters and see them developing a bond with each other, especially when it came to the light bit of queer love between the protagonist and Ah Roa. I feel like the ending would’ve been a lot more impactful if we had time to properly meet the supporting cast, explore the mystery of the protagonist’s ability before the truth is revealed, and slowly develop the tension of the true antagonist. The prose was also so stiff throughout, and lacked any personality or flair to this story all about beautiful magical girls. I get that they were trying to take a realistic approach to the genre, but if they’re going to have magical items and transformations anyway, I would’ve liked for them to have been written more descriptively. And the message we’re supposed to take away from this story at the end was fairly basic and almost cheesy… The overall themes feel so well considered, though, if you think about the intersection between capitalism and paying the price and how that manifests through our protagonist, so I think there’s a really good skeleton in this book. It was just the execution that was sorely lacking for me. Unfortunately, the best thing about A Magical Girl Retires is the cover art (and also she should’ve been called the Magical Girl of Balance…c’mon the credit card imagery is right there).

I also caught up with the ending of Akuheki and it’s fine. I can see they’re trying to maintain some hints of deviancy and darkness in the main relationship, but it’s just such a far cry from how they were in the beginning, and I’m not invested enough in the characters to be happy for their picturesque happy ending. I liked the bonus chapter with the co-worker and the housekeeper guy, but…c’mon…not even a smooch? Damn… Akuheki had a lot of potential for me in the beginning, and I think my enjoyment of the story peaked around volume 2 or 3, but overall I have to give it like a 6/10.

Friday

Started reading He Who Drowned the World, and I was worried about it not living up to the first book, but then we got a politically-motivated blowjob in the first 50 pages and we are SO back. It was never actually over but we are SO BACK.

Saturday

Touched grass and bought a physical copy of Seishi Yokomizo’s The Village of Eight Graves today.

[hydravrtx]

ROGUE SPEAKS

“You, who call my sisters witchhunters. Women strong and powerful enough to advocate, to fight for the wounded and the fallen, brave enough to hold members of our community accountable for their actions despite the consequences, you liken them to medeival demons who tortured, murdered, brutalized whole scores, whole cities of women, our would-be ancestors brought to an early grave for the sin of their sexuality, their knowledge, their power. You are punishing us still..Maybe, for the first time in your life, you are feeling what it is like to walk into a room, and not automatically know if you're safe, not know who your friends are, or why they are looking at you like that. Maybe this makes you feel hunted. But you, my friend are no witch. And I don't have time to feel sorry for you, no way, no time, not when a woman in America is raped every 2 minutes...Every 2 minutes. Think about that. I do not have time to listen to your version of the story: your convoluted truth, not when there is a woman out there, millions of women, who have noone to turn to for support, for validation.

I don't have time to nurse your wounded ego, or shed a tear for the dying patriarchy.”

that was the ending piece to a zine i read called WITCH-HUNT: addressing mental health and confronting sexual assault in activist communities and it pushed me to write — july 26th 2023 i put together what is known now as the “list”, you might’ve heard about it if you are young and enjoy the nightlife in the city of atlanta. the masterlist of abusers with the creative communities here. i was compelled instantly to read the zine because i + the community that advocates for the same thing as i do been called exactly that, witches.

“putting a list together to cause mass hysteria and a witch hunt” some said to me and i found it compelling. shaking people out of the shitty broken bed they have laid in for years is a witch hunt? wanting safety for everyone is the mass hysteria? i’ll never fully understand but anyways…that’s not why i am writing this. i’m writing this because lately ive been seeing a ton of think pieces about how activist can be heavily impacted by the work they do and i can say that it has heavily impacted me. negatively and positively. negatively i’m hearing/seeing tragic stories from different people every day… and feeling sometimes powerless that i can’t just have everyone see what i/the survivors do. i can’t make people that don’t want to be empathetic feel empathy. it’s april in 2024 now and my passion still hasn’t shrunk to amplify the voices of each survivor but it has been hard carrying around 100+ people on my back. i appreciate hydra so much for this alone.

harm i’ve learned is inevitable, everyone causes harm. it might not be physically but verbally or emotionally. those are the most common forms of harm as human we enact on each other but i don’t believe in this lifetime we are meant to strive to be a “good person” because the concept of a “good person” is within white supremacist ideals. maybe, the concept of a “good person” should be abolished and reinvented. why to be considered a “good person” you must be compliant with oppression? to be considered a “good person” you must never feel anger and express it? to be categorized as “good” it’s to ignore and deny?

i say all of this to say, that during my journey advocating and standing firmly in my beliefs i allowed myself vulnerable to the perpetrators that caused me harm to take this time during something uplifting to contort the truth of the trauma they induced on me..and manipulate anyone that will listen for the benefits of their ego. on the opposing side i believe that the population of people that hate women are far greater than i believed..this weird patriarchal mindset that all women are “devious” and wretched witch like creatures seems far too comfortably sitting with the mass majority. this idea only amplifies more for black women and other women of color. sometimes i fantasize that one day the actors of my own harm will finally be accountable and just let go. i am tired of fighting for my autonomy, truth and desire to finally be seen and heard. the closest i got to being seen was when stephvon branch ( kashphon) pleaded guilty to aggravated sodomy and is now serving 5 years in prison. though, i never pressed charges…i still felt seen when talking to the advocate that asked me my story. but those 5 years dont erase the trauma…or hate that im still working to snuff out. yes, i advocate for abuse survivors because i am a survivor of abuse

“So this brings me to the dilemma of how to implement a safer space policy, if we cannot agree on who is "right" and who is "wrong". I believe that if believe that if somebody (man, woman, trans, etc.) feels that a crime was committed against them, that they were violated, assaulted, abused, or raped, no matter what the circumstances, we as a community need to acknowledge, despite the lack of "evidence" that something very wrong occurred. It is also my belief that many many people, good and bad, have harmed others without realizing that what they were doing was wrong. Therein lies the problem. Patriarchy, misoginy and abuse are so embedded in all of us (and by that I mean all of us), that it is inevitably a harrowing experience to be called out as an abuser or an assaulter. I feel that every incident has to be dealt with individually, and according to the reactions of the suspected perpetrator, as well as the wishes of the survivor. Often the reactions of an accused perpetrator can be more than revealing of their truth”

was something else from the zine that sat with me heavily, there’s so many harmful behaviors deeply imbedded in us that we are in no position to ever tell the next person that “i didn’t cause you harm” because we are not them you can’t tell someone how to feel based off your opinion or observation! trauma is complicated. people are so complex and different we aren’t in their bodies and the sooner people stop projecting their defensiveness everything would be rather different.

carl jung is a philosopher that i spend a little too much time researching, he talks a lot about archetypes and i believe that’s what he is most known for. one archetype that caught my eyes was “the fool” where’s a quote from this video i watched; “There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn’t true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true. When there’s an uncomfortable truth that needs to be spoken, and those in power are afraid to speak about it, it is usually the fool who steps in. There is something heroic about this. It is the fool who speaks a truth nobody else dares to utter, and this brings instant relief, because people know it has to be said.”

maybe, hydra and i are the fool

[vampire-sugar]

The Queen of the Damned Progress Post! Part III chapter 4.

~

So it’s been over 3 weeks since I finished this chapter and I haven’t picked up the book since lol. Partly because I’ve been busier than usual, but also largely because, as I mentioned before, once I put QOTD down I find it very very hard to pick back up again. I think I realize why I’m having a hard time with this book, but I’ll get into that at the end of my little chapter review/rant thing. In short though, this is more about vampire lore rather than character exploration which is what I liked the other two books for, and the writing style is pretty tedious which makes even the interesting bits drag. It’s giving The Mortal Instruments.

That said, here’s what I thought of this chapter.

🚨 CW: a lot of discussion of rape

Spoilers ahead!!!

The Story of the Twins, Part I.

It took me so long to finish this chapter, even if I actually did enjoy it. I know that makes no sense but like that’s truly how it felt! It was interesting but it also dragged. Like Maharet really talked through the whole night! And not only is there a Part II to this story but a conclusion chapter as well like this is giving me flashbacks to TVL Marius chapter. And aren't these vampires pressed for time?? How many more nights will they be listening to this story while Akasha and Lestat are out committing mass murder....

But on a more serious note:

First, making up the origin of mummification in Egypt to be like “it was to stop them from eating their dead, which was a sacred thing to do in our village and the way the Egyptians did it was more savage than we did it but still mummification is such a vile practice, the Egyptians suck in all ways actually” is such a crazy thing to do. Like Egyptians pre Akasha are described as savage and during Akasha are described as vile, and I cringed every time I read it.

Another CW in case you missed the one above the cut! 🚨 Discussion of rape below.

Khayman. I knew that he was the one to have raped the Twins from his introductory chapter, and that he was made to do it by the King and Queen (he was comiting the King’s rape). But my assumption then had been that Enkil was already a vampire when he gave the order, and Khayman was compelled to commit the act. Essentially, I thought it was a mind control situation, and I had thought him to be a more tragic character than he actually is. Now it’s like the least you could do is hate yourself for following through. And it takes a certain type of effort to commit the act as well, which I don’t know how one can bring themselves to that level. Maharet thinks the same.

I think, as he came towards us, I believed he could not do it, that a man could not feel the pain which he felt and still sharpen his passion for this ugly work.

I understand that Khayman did not want to do it, he was forced to do it, and to not would have meant death. Maharet knows this and still wonders the above. While she is dissociating, he is imagining scenes in his head to arouse himself.

I guess he got a fate worse than death, being an ancient vampire forever lonely and consumed with guilt and self hatred, probably too ancient to die even if he wanted to.

It’s very hard to feel bad for this Khayman character when, even after the Twins escaped to their homeland and Maharet gave birth to a daughter (from Khayman’s rape), and the Twins were happy, Khayman comes back with a bunch of soldiers and ruins it. Again, he could have just lied and said he couldn’t find the Twins. But instead he begs them to go back to Egypt to get rid of the curse of vampirism. The curse that came as a consequence of his and the King and Queen’s actions. This got me heated. Take the punishment if you really do feel so bad!!!

Anyway,

I think this book is very much about vampires being vampires rather than like family/character dynamics, character exploration, etc. It’s very plot heavy, at times it felt like I was reading the Mortal Instruments lol so maybe I would have liked it more if I had read it in high school. And sometimes it really drags.

I know there’s not a lot of positive things I’ve said about this chapter, I guess the only positive was that I finally understand part of the dreams everyone was having. Again, I read it more than 3 weeks ago so I can’t really remember all of my thoughts on this chapter.

I’m excited for the next chapter, I prefer the Lestat POV ones because we get some Akasha/Lestat action and I find it very hot lol. And so far Akasha and Lestat are the only ones with personality tbh.

I probably will stop posting chapter by chapter now and just post whatever I feel about the book as I read.

Next up: Lestat: This Is My Body; This Is My Blood

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #553

Top Ten Music Videos

So, music, yeah? Alright, innit? I’ve never been a big muso-type person. I’ve never been one to read the NME or Q particularly, to follow a band religiously and find out all about them. But music videos? They’re like little films. Them I can get behind.

Back in my CITV days I liked using commercial tracks in my promos (I mean, I always like using commercial tracks in my promos, but I find other companies are a bit more proscriptive either for financial reasons or for reasons of tone and content). The best way for someone without an in-depth and far-reaching knowledge of the music industry to find good tunes? YouTube. Or at least that’s what I find.

Anyway, there’s always something cool about music videos. As a cultural artifact, their popularity really ties into the rise of MTV in the eighties; yeah, people made videos before that, but I’d say what we consider a video now – the artform – is effectively a product of the eighties. Nowadays, with TV broadcasts of videos essentially rendered an afterthought, YouTube is the place to debut them; they become mini-events, more cinematic in presentation sometimes, free of concerns of censorship or audience. And, of course, a music video is a great playground for artists – not just the musicians but the directors, the designers, the animators. Loads of A-list Hollywood director started out making music videos.

But what makes a good music video? I think, like all art, the answer is “it depends”. It’s cool when there’s a visual and stylistic resonance with the song. Also if it’s just visually compelling; well-directed, exciting, beautiful to look at. Cool, experimental techniques – styles of animation, for example – are another thing. Or if the musician behind it all is also the one directing, overseeing the whole thing, carrying through an artistic vision as if it’s basically just a short film with a song in it.

But a great video doesn’t have to do any of that, really. It just needs to be a really cool music video. Just like a movie or a book might be deep and heartfelt and thought-provoking and artistically adventurous, but then you decide to watch Jackass instead. Anything counts.

And so we have my list; my ten favourite music videos. Now, it’s true, if I were more objective I might have been able to venture further into genres beyond my comfort zone to find other examples of truly excellent videos; but no, this list is pretty much comprised of songs that I like that also have terrific videos. Make of it what you will. Now go and play the guitar on the MTV.

This is America (Childish Gambino, 2018): a terrifying tour-de-force performance by Donald Glover and director Hiro Murai, presented as one continuous, astounding shot. We’re treated – if that’s the right word – to a tableau of images representing various factors of modern American culture, all of it filtered through the lens of the 21st century Black experience. Full of incredible references and pastiches tying police brutality and gun fetishism to slavery and Jim Crow, it’s the sort of meta-textual piece that’s begging to be hyper-analysed. But beyond all that it’s just a phenomenal, haunting, compelling, entertaining, tragic piece of work.

Sledgehammer (Peter Gabriel, 1986): I’ve always been fascinated by animation (this won’t be the last animated video on the list), and this one hooked me even as a tiny child. An intricate and beautiful piece of work from Aardman and the Brother Quay, directed by Stephen R. Johnson, a cavalcade of impossible activities fly around Gabriel’s head as he sings, the stop-motion effects of his face giving the whole thing a stilted, distorted, unique presentation, making it decidedly, delightfully off-kilter.

Nobody Speak (DJ Shadow feat. Run the Jewels, 2016): juxtaposing the coarse, vulgar, and exquisite lyrics of a rap battle (with imagery stretching from Snoopy to Trump) with a conference room of middle-aged white guys debating is just a genius, hilarious idea right from the get-go, but this is executed to perfection. Sublime performances of the actors miming to the song conveys a genuine emotion and, well, depth to it all, as matters escalate to a full-on brawl of powersuited business-types, throttling each other and braining people with flagpoles. Bonus points for the random piglet.

Hurt (Johnny Cash, 2002): reinterpreting a very personal Trent Reznor song into something identifiably Cash is one thing, but this video – directed by Mark Romanek – elevates it into something else. A haunting elegy to a life of pain, mistakes, and love, it’s one of the most beautiful videos of all time; footage of an aged Cash playing guitar is interspersed with shots of a deserted Cash museum, old performances and home movies, and increasingly disturbing religious imagery. It’s intensely sad and heroic and triumphant and melancholy.

Thriller (Michael Jackson, 1983): this one would be even higher – probably the highest, truth be told – if it weren’t for the problematic nature of some of the key artists involved, including director John Landis. Talk about music videos as short films, this one is over ten minutes long, homaging and pastiching multiple tropes of classic monster movies. It’s delightfully macabre and creepy, with some incredible prosthetics and makeup work, with – it must be said – a fantastic performance from Jackson, perfectly skirting the line between the inherent creepiness and sexiness of his persona. And, yes, Landis directs the arse out of it, with a barnstorming dance sequence that has to be seen to be believed.  

I’d Lie for You (And That’s the Truth) (Meat Loaf, 1995): coming after I’d Do Anything for Love and Objects in the Rear View Mirror – both directed by Michael Bay – this video was an event. I remember there was even a making-of broadcast on TV! And whilst it might not be as beautiful as the others, it’s a production, a full-on Indiana Jones-style stunt spectacular, with vehicle chases and explosions and Xander flippin’ Berkeley. It’s just big dumb fun and I love it; ironically, more Michael Bay-ish than the videos he did direct (Howard Greenhalgh made this one).

Money for Nothing (Dire Straits, 1985): another exceptional piece of ground-breaking animation that captivated me as a child, this was a rather revolutionary use of computer graphics. Looking like something from an N64 game, two workmen complain about musicians on MTV whilst footage of the band plays in the background – delightfully, they even have rotoscoped headbands and guitars, as if the video wasn’t already eighties enough. Despite some rather dodgy-in-retrospect lyrics, this remains an excellent, landmark video.

Weapon of Choice (Fatboy Slim, 2001): beautifully directed by Spike Jonze, with a great central performance by Christopher Walken. The deserted hotel foyer is artfully shot, and Walken appears suitably weatherbeaten and dejected. But then the music starts, and he dances – exquisitely – around the empty space, his moves simultaneously elegant, elaborate, and amusing. It builds and builds on this amusing concept until eventually he leaps off the mezzanine and flies round in the air, in what is an impressive piece of airborne choreography. Perfectly marries the unabashed joy of dancing to your favourite music with the contradictory aesthetic of a sad, abandoned hotel and a sad, abandoned man.

Take On Me (A-Ha, 1984): another one that’s here due its gorgeous animation. We all know the story: in beautifully rotoscoped line-art, we’re taken inside a comic book, where the interplay of live-action footage and animation is staggering for its time (as the camera pans around characters who alternate between live and animated). it’s really something, and is also excellently directed (by Steve Bannon), brilliantly timed, and even though it’s a bit of a cliché nowadays it remains a really compelling video.

Like a Prayer (Madonna, 1989): just edging out the playground hilarity of Sabotage or the kinky robot escapades of All is Full of Love is this, a pean to bonkers religious imagery, white guilt, and just how sexy Madonna is with dark hair. Madge herself plays a kind of fallen woman (she literally falls over right at the start) who hides in a church and whose remonstrations awaken a Black Christ. She speaks to God, receives stigmata, dances in front of burning crosses, and rescues a falsely imprisoned Black man, thereby – presumably – resetting the clock on police brutality and race relations. It’s utter batshit. It’s bananas. She makes out with Jesus, for Christ’s sake. I adore it, and not just because it’s her best song. The sheer bloody hubris of it, combined with its sincere attempt to make a valid comment on racism in society, is something to behold. It’s also a really beautiful video, directed by Mary Lambert, and it’s worth pointing out it was hella controversial.

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[ilyrafe]

𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈: 𝒑𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝑩 ✧ 𝒘. 𝒎.

pairing: ex-husband!walter marshall x ex-wife!reader

warnings: brief mentions of suicide attempts, mourning, fluff?

word count: 1.1k

read part A first

“i would leave me too, god knows how many times i’ve tried.” she promises him, but the explicit confession of her various suicide attempts makes him uncomfortable, and a pang of bitterness gnaws at his mouth. “i don’t blame you, walter. i don’t resent you for leaving. you did the right thing. you always do.”

it’s like the whole weight of his guilt has crumbled and it’s suddenly easier to breathe. it is possible to breathe.

god only knows how relieved he is that she’s there, alive and healthy, and only he knows how difficult it has been to carry the guilt of leaving at the most crucial moment of their lives.

it’s as if, out of survival instinct, he’s forced himself to leave, and as much as she’s saying he did the right thing, he wishes he hadn’t. it was unfair, and he knows that many will not understand why he did it. not even he really understands.

the last thing he wanted was to get a divorce, but he was scared. walter had never been so afraid of losing her, that situation never felt real before. y/n was not being herself, in full control of her mental faculties, and how could she? she had tragically lost their daughter, she was completely hostage to her own sadness and disbelief, and walter, as usual, assumed the position of being her stronghold for as long as it took, and with that, he deprived himself of feeling sad for his loss too. he had lost his baby, and he was losing his wife little by little, who was dying before his eyes, not eating, not getting out of bed, not even drinking water. it had been long months trying to get her to just get out of bed, but it was difficult, and often impossible. walter didn’t have time to mourn, he felt compelled to look strong so that y/n could cry in peace without any concerns about anyone else.

he doesn’t regret putting his own grieving aside for y/n, but he still finds it difficult to process quinn’s death and the end of his marriage. he blames himself for not taking it any longer. he blames himself for not being more persistent. for five years walter lost his sleep blaming himself for thinking he was a horrible husband who abandoned his wife at the most critical moment of their lives, so hearing from her that she doesn’t hate or resent him is a huge relief.

“if i could do it differently, i would. but i think that... deep down, i knew you would get back on your feet better without me, and it makes me happy to know that you’re okay.”

he had been mentally preparing for years to get the message that the worst had happened, and luckily, it never came, and he hopes it never does. y/n is still a sensitive topic for walter. as a homicide captain, he’s always been close to death, analyzing it, investigating it, unraveling it to put an end to mysteries, and giving a little fresh air to the families of those who departed unfairly and criminally, but since death approached him and his family in the most serene and quick way possible, he sees death with new eyes. rather, he was not afraid and did not see death as a sentimental element but as a crime or a natural event in life. quinn’s death was silent and calm, he didn’t have a culprit - no matter how much y/n insisted she was guilty. he felt groundless because he had no one to blame, no one to arrest.

despite having all the answers he needs, there is still an emptiness and a question mark in his life that he knows will never be erased. it is as if in a book, the most important chapter had no words, the pages were blank.

the fact is, their marriage didn’t end because it lacked love or trust, no. it ended because they needed to grieve in peace, apart from each other. being apart was surprisingly the best outcome for the both of them. he didn’t grow resentful of her for her lack of support, and she understood his reasons for leaving. they needed to heal themselves as individuals first, and in order for that to happen, they needed to let each other go.

it’s so odd - they both seem like distant friends, but they had a life together, and there will always be something that will unite them for the rest of their lives, even though that bond isn’t there anymore.

“i should’ve been kinder to you.” she laments. “i should’ve been more considerate.”

walter reaches for her hand and brings it closer to his lips. he presses a kiss on the back of her hand. the smell of her hand cream is unmistakable. small details like that make him question himself, if the feelings have really gone away. the past five years have been terribly lonely for both of them, because the marriage ended out of force majeure rather than lack of love.

“don’t worry about it.” he says. “seeing you well is all i need to move on in peace.”

there is a multitude of guilt between them, not just about quinn, but about the end of their marriage, about how they could have done differently. regret is an interesting, bittersweet emotion, it makes you daydream of what could be if you hadn’t done something in such a way.

“do you think this lump in my throat will ever go away?” she asks, genuinely hoping that walter gives her an answer, because he seems to know a lot about a lot of things. he’s the smartest person she knows, even though he won’t agree with her.

“i don’t know,” he confesses. “mine haven’t gone away yet.”

“oh…”

“i know i left, but i’ve been worried about you all these years. maybe things will be better for me after today. i hope they get better for you, too. we don’t deserve to be held hostage by grief, we need to get on with our lives.”

“i feel guilty for wanting to go on with my life, ‘cause it seems that i want to forget about her, and i don’t.”

“i know. but you also know how you feel. we deserve to stop grieving, y/n. we deserve to feel happy again. we’re not betraying quinn, we’re just making do without her.”

the smile on her lips translates her satisfaction and relief to hear him say those things. it makes so much sense. it’s controversial for some, and it’s understandable. what matters is that things are changing, actions are being taken. now all that remains is to give time to time. the healing will come.

[hereticpridevinyl]

Ok I finished your gay!dean manifesto and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I am incabible of putting words together and sounding coherent cause my brain is melting from my ears and psalms 40:2 has gone and replaced it. Gonna think about it for life but honestly it’s made me such a gay!dean stan now! Can I hear more of your thoughts on it and just why cause it’s so big-brained snd there but I feel like my head has been caved in by the concept cause how tf am i only seeing this NOW???

first of all, i'm so glad you enjoyed my fic! thanks for reading :)

as for the gay dean brainrot... WELCOME BESTIE, JOIN US! gonna preface this all by saying that i adore every sexuality headcanon for dean (except straight—vile energy. evil, even, and wrong) and as a bi person i would be remiss if i didn't acknowledge how wonderful bi dean is. however. HOWEVER.

(under the cut because this got away from me enormously)

i've talked about this a lot on twitter, and i know a lot of people have said this more eloquently than i, but i'll try to sum up my thoughts here.

the way dean is into women is so incredibly performative that often it can't help but be read as an act. there's almost a routine to it: dean meets Beautiful Woman, dean flirts with Beautiful Woman, dean (sometimes, but not always) sleeps with Beautiful Woman, dean pats himself on the back for fulfilling his role of Most Hetero Man In America. it's as if being into women is another aspect of his job, another skill he was taught and forced to utilize, much the same way he was taught to hunt. in early seasons, dean's interactions with woman quickly gain a stale, rote sort of taste. we as the audience expect dean will hit on any attractive woman he sees; dean as a character seems to expect it of himself. there's no anticipation behind these interactions. they're predictable and often lead nowhere—especially if dean thinks the woman is unattainable. dean's hot-blooded all-american cishet lady's man persona is just that—a persona.

we see the cracks in this persona most often during moments that are ostensibly played for laughs. haha, dean likes a show about a sexy male doctor! he gets flustered when he's around the lead haha! he's so masculine and straight and tough but he falls apart when his favorite wrestler shakes his hand and winks at him! he can't form a coherent sentence when he thinks this man is flirting with him, and he's so flustered that he doesn't try to stop it haha! he's psyching himself up for this hookup with a woman because it's funny if he's not confident! look, he likes wearing panties and his comfy bed and cooking for his family and dressing up like a cowboy but those are all things he does in private because he's actually very straight and manly! see? in an effort to make dean seem incontrovertibly heterosexual, his character becomes a parody of himself. these brief moments that we're supposed to laugh at become tragic; watching dean winchester perform his compulsory heterosexuality becomes a waiting game, seeking out those flashes of his true self, his most genuine self, from-moment-to moment.

and then something insane happens: post-season 12, dean stops hooking up with women at all.

his hookups had been waning in the two or three seasons leading up to this point, but after s12 he stops trying completely. it's as if that aggressive need to perform this learned role eventually died out. he just... stops. late seasons dean is a man who would rather stay home and watch lost boys with his husband and his brother and their son for the millionth time than have sex with a woman he's never going to see again. this is who he becomes—and the show forgets to make us laugh this time.

and we all know that supernatural has a disease that almost always keeps them from writing women well—all marginalized groups, actually, but that's a topic for another rambling post—which could be a significant factor as to why dean's most compelling romance-coded relationships are with men, but it can't be the only reason. sam's relationships with women are frequently interesting to watch, and if not groundbreaking, they seem natural. there isn't anything forced or performative about sam being into a woman. obviously the brothers are very different people and cannot be compared one-to-one, but there's definitely something to be said about sam's lack of go crazy go stupid hot girl summer star-crossed lovers cas-benny-crowley situation that dean's got going on at all times.

in my opinion, the best chemistry dean has with a woman is charlie—and while that's very strictly platonic seeing as she's a whole lesbian and probably wouldn't go for dean even if she wasn't, it's undeniable that there's just something intoxicating about watching them on screen together. while i might be biased with this analysis, i think it's worth pointing out: it's like dean's letting out a breath he's been holding his whole life when he's with her. because he knows she's unavailable, he knows there's no world in which she'd be into him, and therefore he doesn't have to bother putting on his macho straight dude persona. he doesn't have to go through the motions of hitting on her, or sleeping with her, because it's out of the question. he can be himself. turns out, "himself" is a huge fucking nerd who likes to pretend he's someone he isn't and hang out with a woman because he loves being her friend and not any other reason. the axe of heterosexuality is no longer hanging over his head.

there's a throwaway interaction way back in s2e11 that sums this up more succinctly than i can:

DEAN: of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?

SAM: well, you are kinda butch. probably think you're overcompensating.

DEAN: (pause) right.

we've got some splendid jacting here where dean gets control of the vessel for a moment and sort of nervously smiles at sam, a sad kind of scoff that just gets me. here's another moment where we're supposed to laugh, but there's nothing funny about the way dean reacts to sam's words. there's no overblown anger, there's no begrudging laugh, he doesn't roll his eyes. he just smiles. looks down. doesn't argue.

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

‘flowers in the attic’ by v. c. andrews: the weird, the wonderful, and the what-the-fuck

tw: child abuse, rape, incest- just fifty shades of fucked-up, and then some

Man, my parents’ generation grew up with some fucked-up books.

Here’s the thing: I like fucked-up. I filter out nothing on Ao3. Dead Dove: Do Not Eat is a siren’s song.

Flowers in the Attic is, all things considered, a goldmine.

It’s got its faults, sure- the prose is unnecessarily, for lack of a better word, flowery; if I had to read another ‘good-golly day’ with my own two eyes, I’d be compelled to commit arson; the whole he-raped-me-but-I-love-him-so-it-doesn’t-count sits very, very wrong with me; not to mention, why do all these fucked-up dudes have to be named Chris? Christopher Dollanganger, Christian Grey, Chris Brown… Chris Bang, you’re our only hope.

But if it makes me a sinner to adore this book, then maybe I don’t want heaven.

While certain character depictions do come off icky, there is a certain charm to Cathy and Chris, forced to grow up far too much far too quick; melancholy Cory, with his sad songs and poetic death (he died of the cold! But no! His dear mother slowly poisoned him!); Carrie, growing weaker without her other half; the beautiful mother, so blinded by greed she plots to kill her own children; Malcolm Foxworth, omnipotent and a candidate for Father of the Year (not); and where would any gothic horror be without a cruel, evangelical matron?

I’ll admit the writing did throw me off, at times. Melodrama is great, don’t get me wrong.

I’m talking about the Lorde album. In writing, it just makes me want to hurl.

But there’s a limit to florid writing, and while Andrews toed the line, she never crossed it. Flowers in the Attic just reels you back in, and for that, you can thank the plot.

The plot! Where do I begin?

… No, seriously, where the fuck do I begin?

I suppose I could start at good ole Daddy Dollanganger, that man who can do no wrong, except maybe eloping, marrying, and subsequently impregnating his half-niece. But incest, as this book will have us believe, is the least of all evils to happen.

Dollanganger, Sr. dies, leaves wife destitute with four small children; Dame Dollanganger whisks them all away to her parents; her parents are religious zealots who have disowned her for fornicating with a family member; the children are hidden away in an attic from the outside world for three (two and a half???) years; shenanigans of the whipping, mother-remarrying-and-ignoring-her-children, brotherfucking variety ensue; one of the kids fucking dies because he’s fucking poisoned by his own fucking mother; and then, in a slightly anticlimactic turn of events, they escape.

Blond brother-sister pairs in books get a bad rep. Game of Thrones, The Secret History, and now this. You guys just can’t catch a break.

Jokes aside, the way Corrine Dollanganger (Foxworth? Whatever the fuck her second husband’s last name was? It’s been an hour since I read the book, and I’ve already forgotten his name. I’m calling him Burt) went from a loving mother to a neglectful, cold, money-hungry woman was written beautifully, as was Cathy’s (and Chris’s) gradual undertaking of parental duties they were far too young to shoulder. The twins seeing Cathy and Chris as their actual parents broke my heart, and Corrine’s indifference to it all only broke me more. The gradual loss of the fear of God and authority was, uh, neat, I guess.

I wish Andrews went further with the schoolroom plot, although I admit I can’t see where she could’ve gone with it, either. I just wish she’d gone somewhere further.

About the demerits; about Cathy and Chris escaping from their prison that one time to go swimming or whatever serving no purpose to the plot that I could really see. About the gaudy language… yeah, Cathy, you Dresden dolls are tragically beautiful, ill-used angels, we got the gist the first ten times. And Cathy being somehow simultaneously naïve and incredibly mature did come off a bit :/.

All this considered, and all this to say: I’m definitely reading Petals on the Wind next.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Can we take a moment to talk about what a tragic character Minerva is? Y’all know that for the longest time I haven’t been the biggest fan of her, and honestly I’m still not? but I think I might’ve had a breakthrough on why that is. 

Whenever I’ve asked around to see why people find her so appealing or why they consider her their favorite, I’ll get answers like, “she’s such a complex character and she deserved a redemption arc!” or “she should’ve come back to the school with us! Let Minnie be happy, you cowards! Telltale did her dirty! I could write paragraph after paragraph about her!” all sorts of things along those lines… but like, no one seems to want to actually talk about her. I find that interesting? Since when I do follow up with a “care to explain further?” I get nothing. Radio static. Like…. no, talk to me please, I just wanna understand-

Minerva within the context of TFS is such a tragedy. She grew up in a school for troubled youth where all the adults left them for death at the start of the breakout, they had walkers trying to eat the living all around them, and I’m sure she saw her fair share of traumatic violence and despair… but on the bright side, she always had her twin sister, Sophie, and little brother, Tenn. She had her friend and eventual girlfriend, Violet. She had music, and a dorm full of pretty paintings done by Sophie. She and Louis composed a song together to make everyone feel better. There are worse places to live than the school. 

Then one day she got traded away to a bunch of raiders against her will, having no idea what the hell these people were gonna do to her and Sophie. They were made to be soldiers to fight in a war that had nothing to do with them. The delta fucking broke her. If we’re to believe Lilly’s story about the twins, they started their brainwashing process early on when Sophie was still alive, and it seems like Minerva was easier to control as Sophie was still planning a way out and causing trouble. Then, when Sophie convinced her to steal a boat and get the hell out, they got caught and the delta forced her to murder her own twin sister. 

Like…. I’m sorry, not only did Minerva kill her own sister, but she was made to believe that was the right thing to do? That line she says about how she had to prove her loyalty to the place she calls home? That shit’s ingrained in her brain, you can tell that isn’t the first time she’s heard or said that very thing. That is what made her family to the delta. Delta is her home now, her family. Sophie was just a thing that needed to be dealt with. You keep your head down, do as you’re told, and you survive.  You survive and you get to go home, eat a hot meal, take a shower, and be with your delta family.  If not, you end up like Sophie.

What’s also fucked is that Minerva actually cares about these people now. Think about that. After everything they did to her and made her do, she’s been trained to see them as her family and obey. When you save Louis and he kills Dorian, Minerva actually cries out and is visibly hurt by her death. When she’s with the other raiders on land, she's screaming at walkers to get away from them. She cares about the people who made her kill Sophie… and no one ever talks about that??

She fucking hates Clementine. Clementine is just another thing in Minnie’s way. I know the part of the fandom likes to ship these two together and they think it’s hot when they fight and shit, but within the canon text, Minerva wants Clementine gone. Dead. She is the thing stopping her from having her old family merge with her new family. If Clementine hadn’t made them fight, they all would’ve been captured and they’d all be a delta family now. She would’ve had Tenn back. 

Clementine is the problem, she made everyone fight back and that’s why people are dead. Minerva hates her for it… it’s not a “I hate you but like the sexual tension, y’know?” that I see people pretend it is, it’s “you are ruining everything and if I have to, I will kill you myself and I won’t give a second thought about it when they toss your body overboard.”

Like….. seriously, think about how fucked up all of this is. Minerva is a husk of who she was before she was taken away. Sure, you do have to keep in mind that when Tenn and Violet are describing her, their sights are a bit clouded, y’know? But I do believe that she was someone who was kind and cared about people, she wanted to make people feel safe and comforted. 

Now she’s a brainwashed soldier who won’t help the people she used to call friends when they’re about to get limbs cut off. She won’t hesitate to knock someone unconscious or threaten a child.  She’s willing to trick them into being captured with no regard for what’s going to happen to them. … all she knows is this was the mission, and now they all get to be together again back at the delta. 

Then when she finds out there’s a bomb on the boat, she ditches Violet to blow up with it in order to make it to land herself. She loses her shit seeing everyone die and gets her face chewed off by a walker… and then she tries to blow Clementine and AJ up with a grenade. 

Oh, and who can forget the fact that she tracks the group down with plans of murdering Tenn so that they can go to a better place together? And she’ll take down anyone who gets in her way?

Like….. jesus christ, Minerva’s waaaaay too far gone. It’s awful. 

I think that’s what stumps me about why she’s so loved in the way that she is. It’s not that I don’t understand why she’s complex and well-written, I get that perfectly fine. She’s a compelling character study when you comb over all her scenes and take different factors into account.

What I don’t understand is why we tend to just throw everything interesting about her away? For what? 

These days, I never see anyone talking about any of this unless they’re insisting she deserved a redemption arc which…. Eh, I’ll touch on this later. What I mostly see here and mostly other platforms is how great it would be if she and Clementine made out, or hey what if she and Violet got back together if she did come back to the school? Or they just….the best term I have for this is “uwu-ify.” As in she’s reduced to a caricature of a tall, pretty, mean, white lesbian who has “good damage.” 

People insist that Telltale are cowards or bastards because their predictions of her turning on the delta to save Clem and crew didn’t happen. Instead, Minerva ends up being the final baddie you gotta get away from, and she ends up taking someone down with her. But did you really expect to just do a 180 and suddenly decide being brainwashed for over a year was lame and Clementine and friends are cool? Gonna help them out and be with Tenn again? Sure, there’s some left over trauma but love conquers and fixes everything, right?

Uh…. no? That’s not how people work? Honestly, if we entertain the idea that Minerva wasn’t bit and somehow didn’t murder Clementine when they all got back to the school…. romance is the last thing she is ever gonna think of??

I think that’s what bothers me most when reading these au’s and rants about redemption and the entire idea of clemerva as a whole. It’s the same thing that I see happen with Violet- Minerva only has value to fans if she’s in a wlw relationship. By herself, she doesn’t matter. They don’t care about her canon story, they don’t care about Sophie, they don’t care about discussing what could’ve happened if she and Tenn reunited under better circumstances or had a healing recovery together. But why?

Throwing a girlfriend at her isn’t some band aid that’s gonna cover up all the bad she went through?? Having an enemies to lovers romance with Clementine isn’t going to fix a years worth of brainwashing, trauma or the fact that she murdered her own sister and the delta told her she's proved her worth to them?? 

Having the support of those around her is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. The idea of the Ericson crew as a whole trying to help her out and do the best they can to accommodate her is bittersweet since there’s only so much they can do. They’re not trained therapists, which is what Minerva would need and plenty of years ahead of her to work through and come to terms with everything that happened as well as taking steps forward. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have friends or that she couldn’t have a healthy romantic relationship someday... but that isn’t the solution, y’know? 

I don’t know how else to explain this, but it makes me feel weird that all of this stuff is flat out overlooked or doesn’t appear to matter to fans of her. 

Look, I get it. We all want these characters to be happy. AU’s are a thing, after all. Sometimes we want to forget about the bad things and focus on the good that bring us comfort. You wanna gush about the idea of an AU where the twins never got traded, the raiders didn’t exist, and Clementine got to meet them the way they were before? I feel that, AU’s are super comforting and fun to explore, and my point isn’t to try and shame anyone who has an AU you like this. 

Hell, you think I don’t have days where I pretend mute Louis isn’t a thing because the whole concept of Louis having his tongue cut out of his mouth breaks my fucking heart? No, lot’s of days I just want to forget everything about that route, I want to set aside all the bad and just intake as much clouis fluff as I can get…. But that doesn’t mean I always ignore or refuse to acknowledge the bad just because I don’t like it. I fucking hate the fact that Louis loses his tongue when you don’t save him, but guess what? That’s a canon route you can play, just like any other route, and the possibilities that come with a mute Louis are vast and compelling. 

This is how it is for me… my favorite characters are my favorite for a reason, and I take all the bad with the good. Louis isn’t perfect, and I don’t want him to be. I was to dive into his backstory about why did that to his parents, I like to talk about what he went through with Marlon’s murder and his feelings about AJ and Clementine at the point, I like to view his love of music as bittersweet. He can stand on his own, and while he is a love interest for Clementine, that isn’t his only purpose. 

I know everyone’s different, they express their love for characters in their own ways, but I do have a genuine question: do you guys actually like Minerva?

Believe it or not, I’m not trying to step on toes or make everyone feel defensive which I know is how people will react to this. “You’re just saying all of this to make us feel bad for shipping clemerva! You don’t even like Minnie so you don’t get to say shit!” yeah yeah, I hear you and look, it’s true that she’s not my favorite character. I know I’ve said I hate her in the past but upon reflection and throwing out fandom interpretations.... I don’t hate her. I get it now. She’s a great character study to dissect and analyze and I think she deserves more than what the writers and the fandom have given her. 

And yeah, what I do hate is clemerva, and I’ve explained why. It’s not for me, it makes me uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, who cares? Me not liking it doesn’t mean anything to those who create AU’s for them. They have their reasons, they can do as they please as long as they’re not hurting anyone. I’m just here pointing out things I see and things that bother me in hopes of starting a discussion.

There’s my ramble about Minerva. I’m gonna go make some tea now.