#the whole last part is so beautifully edited well done!!

[copperphysics106]

oh my god man

Warm Healer | Everything Everything // The Terror

We got ourselves another Jane Doe.

[redcherrykook]

──𐙚 romance novel - biker!rich!JK x bookworm!reader request

────୨ৎ────

content: esth. relationship, book shopping date, fluff, bike rides with Jk, smut freaky ngl (she reads a smut scene, he recreates it for her meanwhile), fingering, tits play, clit play, kinda cum play, slight begging, praise

────୨ৎ────

"Ooh look at this one bunny!"

jungkook giggles, patting your flowy hair onces again, his arm moves to wrap around your shoulders

He had heard this sentence about a thousand times now, never getting tired of it

"Hmm.. interesting"

How could he? Seeing your eyes glimmer and light up upon viewing the pretty covers, the little hums and gasps you let out, flipping the book around to read the synopsis

"I think this is the last one" your fingers tap the cover, putting it inside the full basket your boyfriend is carrying with his other arm

He smiles, rubbing your cheek with his thumb, "sure? We have time sweetheart, take it" nodding his chin up to gesture to the fantasy asile,

For the past two weeks, all he's seen you read is fantasy

Wheather it be acotar or the cruel prince series, the countless stories of fae, dragons and heir's float around on the pages, register in your brain and flow out as retelings for Jungkook to listen to

He'd be listening to twenty minute voice messages of your charged rambles, finding it absolutely adorable how worked up you get over fictional storylines

Ever since passing your bar exam, he had promised to take you book shopping, promised to buy you whatever books you wanted

"But- there's already so much in here, its so expensive kook" you pout, squeezing his arm while roaming over the fantasy section with your eyes,

"I can pay for it baby. You know money is the least of my worry, come on, i want to treat my smart girl" his sweet but stern tone of voice is enough to make you fold, kissing his cheek and happily walking towards the huge shelves,

"Cute" he mutters under his breath, following closely behind you

A few special editions of pre owened books and a whole new series in addition later, the total came out to what would be a month's rent for you, and a little nick for your boyfriends bank account

"Give me that sweetheart, I'll store it" his gloved hands wrap around the heavy, large totebags, two of them filled to the brink

Knowing that was gonna be the outcome, his attached storage comparted was handy, presecured on the black harley davidson.

"All done" he says, locking it after managing to stuff the bags inside

You give him a thumbs up, already having pulled your pink- hello kitty themed helmet over your head, comically contrasting the rest of your outfit

He had gotten you that helmet as well, back when he first acquired his license and could start taking you with him on his rides

"My place?" his head turns a bit over his shoulder, revving the engine

You nod, arms sneaking around his firm torso and locking your hands tightly

He takes off, driving the way back to his nice suburban apartment, the wind speeding with your sides, blowing a refreshing breeze

"Whatcha reading honeybun?" After watching you read the past 45 minutes, your boyfriend spent his gaming and making popcon, peacefully watching you doze off into a world he wasn't a part of

he can't take it anymore, the smell of your sweet floral scent clouding his room, the little groans you let out will flipping through the pages, it's too much to soley bear witness to

So he teases you, nudging your side with his elbow

You giggle in return, squeezing his round cheeks while he keeps munching on the snack set on the bedside table

"Fantasy, bunny. Just about some fae wars again" you reply in a low hum, scanning over the words on the paper

With a dramatic sigh, his head rests on your lap to catch your attention, his pretty, dark brown locks falling over to the side, framing the sharp contures of his jaw beautifully

You take a second to stroke his face, appreciating the eyebrow piercing he had gotten recently, as well as the small metal ring on his bottom lip. Your favorite feature, his brown doe eyes, contently shutting

His sweet bunny smile slowly spreads on the honey toned face of his,

"Attention please, i need your attention baby" he says, turning his head sideways to kiss the inside of your hand

"Hmm.. but it's so interesting right now kook. Five minutes okay?" the butterflies in your stomach roar at his actions, however, the intense rivalry in the book is enough to keep your eyes locked back on the words

Suddendly, a tatted hand rips away the book, written ink disappearing from your eyesight and into your boyfriends golden hands

"more interesting than me huh? Let's see what my little princess reads about"

he's sat upright now, scanning over the page you last left off, nodding, seemingly satisfied before flipping through the pages

Your eyes widen at that, well aware of the dirty secret this innocent fantasy book witholds,

Explicit scenes are thickly spread between the plot of what looks to be a regular story

Panicking, you climb into his lap, reaching to take the book off him when you notice his smirk softly spreading, clearly having stumbled on something he shouldn't have seen

His arm extends upward, making sure you won't be able to get the book off of him,

With a almost predatory gaze, his cocky smile also looks down to you, licking over the corner of his lip, grazing the small metal decoration

"That's what's keeping my girl from spending time with me hm?"

he chuckles lowly, stroking over your thighs with his free hand

"Kook stoppp!" you whine, still propped up on your knees and on his lap, both arms up and fumbling to get the book back down,

Your cheeks have been covered in a pink hue and with the way your chest bounces at your desperate attempts, jungkook simply can't help it

He pushes you down on his bed, taking your wrists with one of his hands and pinning them together above your head

The atmosphere shifts, clearly asserting the dominance to him as he hovers over you like you're his prey, completely helpless at his mercy

You let out a soft moan when his eyes find your again,

"Listen to me sweetheart. We're gonna spend some time together now. Since you so badly wanna read, read it out for me. Tell me what you dream 'bout yea?"

Your eyes widen and for a split second, he sees the look on your face turn from excitment to worry,

Immediately he lets go of your wrists, wrapping both his arms around your figure, his lips ghosting over the skin of your neck

" m'sorry baby, I didn't sound so nice there did i? You can always say no. I'm not judging you sweetheart, i promise" sweetly, the air shifts again into something more comfortable, soft pads of your fingers colliding with the strands of his hair,

"Thank you kook.. i think it would be fun.." you admit, the need in your voice becoming almost too much to withstand, he lets you know how much he wants you by sucking on the skin of your neck, kissing his way back up to your jaw

Once satisfied, he reaches for the almost abandoned book, handing it to you with a kiss to your forhead

"Go on sweetheart"

You swallow, quietly reading the first lines aloud to him,

"he pushes the thin fabric of her flimsy top upwards to reveal her swollen chest, caged in his favorite colored bra. Mercilessly, they get groped at by his eager hands, hungry for a taste of her skin on his"

Jungkook's hands move exactly like you had told him to, pushing your comfortable sweater upwards and groping the soft swell of your breast in his large plams, groaning softly when he brushes over your nipples,

Relishing the touch of your skin, he can't help but nudge the bra down a bit, getting a better feel of you

He loves watching your face twist slightly in pleasure, he loves hearing your breathy little whimpers

"keep going baby, you feel so good" he encourages, drawing meaningless patterns on your stomach and it sends waves of pleasure straight to your core

You take a small breath, trying your best to focus on the instructions in front of you

"..without waiting another second, his hands tug down her bottoms, leaving her in just her panties. Effortlessly, he brushes against her clit, rubbing the fabric to it before pulling the thong to the side to admire the wetness he created"

your moans increasingly become louder, feeling the pad of his thumb press small cricles into your covered clit before pushing to fingers under the string, letting the cold air hit your pussy

Jungkook takes a second to lick his lips and sigh, enamored with the sight of your glistening cunt, the bulge in his pants is starting to strain painfully

"He keeps his eyes on hers, monotering the way they roll back when he slides two digits into her hole, twisting them so his thumb still presses into the needy bud, begging for stimulation"

That's it, that's what makes you shudder, letting the book fall off to the side, your knees buckling and hands gripping at Jungkook's firm shoulders

He smiles, brushing his lips over yours,

His long digits feel so good inside you, he doesn't move them yet, only moving his thumb softly, rubbing it up and down on your clit,

"That good?" he asks, licking over your bottom lip slowly

A whine of approval leaves your lips as you crash them on his, engulfing him in a deep, passionate kiss that makes him moan into it

The attempt at making him start pleasuring you doesn't work, still only letting them sit inside your warmth,

"You know what i want sweetheart" he mutters, slolwy sliding his tongue inside your mouth before withdrawing, met with your little whimpers once more

"come on, be a good girl, beg for me baby"

"Please kook" you whine, one hand now sliding down from his shoulder to his thigh, turning your fingers inward on the muscle,

He hums, directing his kisses back to your neck, licking over the skin delicately

"You can do better pretty, i know you can"

Another frustrated whine leaves your lips,

"Please kook, please fuck me with your fingers, please bunny make me cream on them. Please, i need it"

"Good girl, so good for me" he praises, giving you no room to breath or build up- almost brutally fast in the way he fucks his fingers into you, sucking on the softness of your neck

His thumb hits your clit with every push, harder, faster, each time

You're whimpering, moaning messily and trying to hold on to every little thing you can grasp with sweaty, trembling hands

He meets your moans, groaning, finding your lips and kissing you with such need and intensity, you want him, want him even while having him

"kook gonna cum" you whimper into his mouth, clenching around the slender fingers that create quelching noises when fucking into your cunt, the friction of his thumb making it impossible to hold on any longer

"That's so good baby, my sweet girl, come for me" his kisses focus on the side of your jaw, tongue darting out while slowing down the pace, he had felt you shake and release on him, that deep moan you let out being enough to know you came undone

You're panting, weakly laying slumped forward against him. Ecstacy rushing rough your body, his fingers still burried deep, while his other hand accompanies the sweet kisses on your head, threaded through your silky strands

"Awh... so cute, look at that" the sound of his deep and affectionate words catch you off guard, looking down to where his eyes are focused on

He draws his fingers out, taking a string of your arousal with him before directing them back to your sensitivity

Your grip on his tightens once more , whining out the sound of his name

"Mhh.. i know, i know sweetheart" he coos, his fingers working to spread your cum all over your folds and rubbing it into your clit,

With a quick kiss to your lips, he tells you to open

"Here.. good girl" he mumbles, watching your eyes fall and your lips wrap around his fingers, pushed into the warmth of your mouth

You moan when tasting your own arousal on him, tongue twirling between his fingers to lapp up every drop

He takes them out when he's satisfied, tangling his hands into your hair

"Wanna take a bath pretty?" you nod, giggling when he starts placing little kisses all over your face, wrapping his arms around you as he hoists you up, getting ready to run you a well deserved bath

"Thank you kook" you tell him, cupping his face into your hands, he squeezes the flesh of your bare ass in return, kissing the tip of your nose with a small laugh

"I promised to make your dreams come true. Unfortunately i don't have a Dragon. Not yet at least, if you wanna fuck one, you know where to look for something in that size"

You kick his butt with your heel, rolling your eyes at his middle school joke,

"You're ridiculous", he sets you down on the bathroom counter, running the water and filling it with bubble solution,

"You love me" he says, taking his shirt off,

Biting your lip softly, you reach for his defined figure,

"I do. I love you"

his hands with your waist under the sweater, pulling you closer into him,

"I love you too sweetheart"

[agirlandherquill]

writeblr intro!

this has been a long time coming and i've finally gotten around to it after, what? 4 months of being a part of this delightfully and beautifully chaotic community known as writeblr,

so, about me - well, let's see, i'm A Girl and Her Quill - a moniker i'm adopting because who doesn't enjoy a little sense of mystery? now, what else is there to say about me? i love words, i adore stories, and i love books - my favourites are impossible to narrow down to a simple list so i'll just name a few off the top of my head: great expectations - shockingly fell in love and decided to study it for literature coursework (it paid off, 24/25 marks, best damn essay i have ever written), ready player one - this needs no explanation, the brilliance is clear in the title and i also love its sequel, and for the last of the few books i can think of i'm going to say outlander - i'm reading it at the minute and its beautiful (i've seen up to s2 of the show, so i will be rewatching once I finish the book, and start the second book probably, i just can't resist)

why am i here? - as aforementioned i love stories and i've been writing my whole life, (insert a respectful nod to the graveyard of childhood manuscripts long since abandoned) and i've been working on writing a novel for, well, about four years now? that novel being `Ruin's Reprisal, which has undergone one draft, a total rewrite, and now i'm on to edits - and that story has been with me through some of the most crucial years of my life and thankfully, it's almost done (small white lie, i'm editing chapter 20/roughly 40 at the moment, but i'm getting there); and as for why i'm on writeblr well, as the description of my blog states, it really was a dark night with rain battering the windows, and the mood of it so to speak gave me the courage to sign up to the wonderful world of chaos that is tumblr and to start sharing my writing with the world!

and speaking of sharing my writing, i signed up to ao3 as of this morning and i've been collecting all of the posts relating to my novel from tumblr on there, so if reading on ao3 is more your thing than Tumblr, you can find me as: agirlandherquill

so that's about it from me for now, if i think of anything else to add i'll update this post, and i just want to say a truly heartfelt thank you to everyone who has made me feel so welcome and enjoyed the little snippets i bestow from time to time (i do my best to post daily, reckon i've only slipped about 3 days in total so i'm rather impressed with myself)

signing off on the long overdue intro,

~ A Girl and Her Quill

[craziestfangirl98]

I did not think I'd be laughing and weeping so much while watching the finale of Peaceful Property because the premise of the episode felt it's gonna be heart breaking, but it was such a good watch. It was warm and hectic and chaotic and loving and so so kind.

I loved it all. I don't care that it wasnt a "bl" because it was so queer without even being a bl. I loved it.

Anyway, that aside, going into the specifics of the series itself.

I know that there are mixed reactions to the series as a whole. I get a lot of them. Especially with regards to the way the class disparity was handled. It definitely left a lot to be desired and it wasn't all good, but in my understanding, the thing they've shown time and again and established it till the end, has been the affect of greed. The underlying issue that had all three Somkid, Somphorn and Yai doing the things they did and being the villains they were was because of their greed. Something that pushed them to be awful and murderous. The conclusion leading up to them 'paying' for it by getting imprisoned while Home ensures that the promises that they made to the community early on were kept as of last week. I never really expected anything bigger than this coming out of the show as such. I would've loved to see a lot more dismantling, a lot more of Home's family being a lot more scrutininsed and hopefully do something about paying back communities they had hurt, but I don't think anything they would've done would necessarily have satisfied that part of the narrative anyway, so I'm kind of okay where it came till.

In terms of Peach letting go of the opportunity at Chiang Mai is something I'm pretty sure all of us saw it coming. This is another part of the ending which worked for me, that I see doesn't sit well with some others. Again, I see where the dissonance is coming from. For me at least, it makes sense because when we first saw Peach, he had one other friend (acquaintance (?)) in Best and was cooking for the shrine and barely making it through with the ghosts haunting him. As much as they played it for laughs with him saying he doesn't want to go to Chiang Mai because he is not going to understand the ghosts, I feel it's a way to combat the loneliness as well. For so long he has been going through life being alone except for Pang Pang, who as we've seen is pretty loyal to her brother. The fact that someone chose to be around him especially since knowing the ghosts thing is important to him. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but just like Home was looking for a 'home', so was Peach and this chaotic group of five is exactly what he needed. The chef's table is a happy edition. We see it in almost every episode, bringing the ghost hunting and cooking and taking care of people go hand in hand for him. It was not understanding that connection which didn't make his attempts at the shrine effective but got more particular as he started working on it.

Maybe I'm just easily pleased by things but although it wasn't all beautifully wrapped up, it was something that was still interesting, fun and exciting and I'm happy for where it is.

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼

[randomvarious]

Today's compilation:

Now That's What I Call Music! 8 2001 R&B / Pop / Teen Pop / Alternative Rock / Pop-Punk / Post-Grunge

Welp, folks, it looks like we're nearing the end of the earliest days for this beloved flagship series that's known for constantly delivering reproductions of the day's biggest pop hits, but I still have a couple more of these albums in my queue to enjoyably sift through. And just like the other seven installments that precede this one, Now That's What I Call Music! 8 also makes for a pretty great trip down commercial radio memory lane as well 😍.

But before we dive right on into it, how about we have some nostalgic fun with the ad for this release first? See, If you had placed an order for Now 8 by credit card or with check-debit, you'd also receive a free limited edition collector's box that you could store all of your other Now CDs in too! Wow! How considerate! Thanks Now! 😎💖

But we actually start off on a few somber notes here... 😔

Now 8 was the first dispatch from the main series to be released after 9/11, and so, I feel like the inclusion of its final track, U2's "Walk On," which never even made it onto Billboard's Hot 100 chart, was done solely in order to try to console an American psyche that had been deeply wounded at that time. "Walk On" was released as a single in February of 2001, and was actually about the plight of Burmese peace activist Aung San Suu Kyi—who, years later, would despicably do nothing as Myanmar's head of state to address the genocide of Rohingya Muslims that her own military was perpetrating—but in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, the song found itself resonating with a lot of Americans, serving a sudden and newfound purpose as an anthem of perseverance for them.

And that's pretty much undoubtedly why Now chose this song to close out the album. Had 9/11 not happened, this comp's last track would've probably been a song that had actually charted on the Hot 100. But because this album was slated to release in November of '01, the Now brass probably thought it best to end with a song that could acknowledge that then-current moment of anguish and turmoil, rather than awkwardly and tone-deafly just loading up their CD with fun pop hits from the summer that had just passed.

But less than three weeks before 9/11, R&B star Aaliyah had also tragically passed in a plane crash after filming the video for her beautifully soft and sensual, final single, "Rock the Boat" too. So Now not only included that song on this release, but they dedicated the whole album to Aaliyah's memory, and also donated part of the proceeds from the triple-platinum seller to her memorial fund as well.

And last with the sadness, rest in peace to the great Steve Harwell. I absolutely despised your band's cover of The Monkees' "I'm a Believer" when I first heard it (which appears on this album), but I still genuinely dug your work more than most are willing to admit, and really also loved the critique you had about the commodification of social movements in "Walkin' On the Sun," which is something that many people probably overlooked because they had nothing nice to say about your band that, unfortunately, became a Shrek meme. At the end of the day, Smash Mouth made a bunch of fun music, man 😞.

OK, on to the rest of this album...

So, the album cover for this release says it comes with 20 chart-topping hits, but in reality, only three of these were actually Hot 100 #1s. There's Destiny's Child's "Bootylicious," which, to go with their Survivor album's theme, intended to use the opening guitar stutter from "Eye of the Tiger"—by the band *Survivor*—but had to settle for Stevie Nicks' "Edge of Seventeen" instead; Usher's "U Got It Bad" ballad; and Joe's "Stutter," which isn't actually the most famous version of the song, but is the "Double Take Remix" instead, that was done by Allen "Allstar" Gordon Jr., and sampled both the iconic west coast alternative rap classic, "Passin' Me By," by The Pharcyde, as well as the song that that song itself sampled, Quincy Jones' "Summer in the City." And it also features now-canceled rapper Mystikal, which represents his third overall appearance in this series.

And speaking of remixes and samples, the famous Murder Inc. remix of J.Lo's "I'm Real," featuring Ja Rule, doesn't appear on here, but instead, it's her underappreciated and poppier original version that sounds nothing like the remix, and samples from classic Japanese electronic group Yellow Magic Orchestra's digi-chirping "Firecracker," which ends up naturally giving the tune a sweet 80s throwback kinda vibe.

Other songs worth mentioning are the brilliantly produced and super light and smooth Janet Jackson jam, "Someone to Call My Lover," which sampled from folk duo America's "Ventura Highway;" and a terrific tune that was actually originally released in 1998, but rose to US fame because of its inclusion in a 2001 Mitsubishi ad: "Start the Commotion," by UK duo The Wiseguys. That one's very much in that Fatboy Slim-helmed UK big beat vein; gotta love the blaring and swingin' sampled horns on it! 🤩

And there's a solid handful of other songs on this CD that I could devote some space to as well, but I think this post here is already long enough as it is.

So, another terrific nostalgia rush to be had in this trip all the way back to 2001. And I only have one more of these Now comps left in my queue, but I think I'm gonna save it for later.

Highlights:

Destiny's Child - "Bootylicious" 'N Sync - "Pop" Jennifer Lopez - "I'm Real" Joe feat. Mystikal - "Stutter (Double Take Remix)" Janet Jackson - "Someone to Call My Lover" Christina Milian - "AM to PM" Aaliyah - "Rock the Boat" Usher - "U Got It Bad" Gorillaz - "Clint Eastwood" The Wiseguys feat. Greg Nice - "Start the Commotion" Sum 41 - "Fat Lip" Blink-182 - "The Rock Show" Fuel - "Bad Day" U2 - "Walk On"

[ramblingdisaster73]

Rambling thoughts as I rewatch 4x09 “Road Kill”

I thought it would be a younger version of herself from the promo & Natacha’s interview before the episode aired – BUT – I FUCKING LOVE how they did it. This is my favorite of all the ‘begins’ episodes from both 9-1-1 & LS

“Is that Marjan?” x3 – trying to figure out if the 2 Paul ones were the same one and the edited it weird or if it was in the script that he said it twice

You helped with that Tumor cake Marj.

I love that he doesn’t believe that she sold the bike & got $200 more.

So not subtle about the party – but these people are so happy to get her back and I love it.

Acts of service really is her love language

I love that the girl made it out of her relationship – I also love how they showed her doubts – that was so real. It isn’t easy leaving bad relationships – but in the end she overcame her fear – with the help of Marj.

The season of sisters – so funny. I am trying to figure out who is next – We know that Grace has 2 (Sierra’s irl sisters), Carlos has 2, and Marjan has at least 1.

As someone that performed in those 4-hour recitals – I agree -they get long and tedious – but can be absolutely adorable and hysterical at the same time.

This is actual a pretty decent spread – but yeah – that is kinda a lot of canapes

You are ALWAYS extra

They are so fucking adorable – they definitely dodged an LED bullet

Once again – they kill it with the music.

The thing about the red car – my guess is from Marjan’s memories – did the Mom crawl out of the car and die, then the father moved to the passenger side of the car? Because Marj was in the back on the drivers side behind her friends Dad. The placement when adult Marj checks them out confused me.

This is her second accident in 2 seasons

How long did she have to sit with her dead best friend and his parents after their accident?

I love her origin story – so much of who she is, why she is who she is, is so beautifully consistent with her character the last 3.5 seasons

We learned so much new info about her

Mateo gets very emotional when the people he loves are in distress – he showed us this in the first season when they found out Owen had cancer, it has continued through out the seasons. It makes sense that he would be as worked up as he is.

Good thing Grace is always at work when they need her

Kinda find it funny that the cop stays at the house while 3 firefighters go investigate.

Sucks for Rick – getting murdered for being a nice guy.

How does this cop NOT see the dead body or blood?

Grant did not cover it up that well

I also thought Grant was for sure going to kill the cop when he started walking back to his car.

The makeup department did an amazing job

TK reliving the events of who knows how long ago – this timeline taunts me daily – from Carlos’ kidnapping and now this

The acting this season has been phenomenal

“I hate to ask you this, but was she the victim or the perpetrator?” Carlos Reyes – I mean, it’s a fair question.

How the fuck did this dude bail himself out? Was the bail amount $5?

I think it is interesting that Marj was called Mouse when she was younger, but how that accident changed how she presented herself. She took her BFF’s mom’s advice and lived her true self – not as someone that was remotely quiet or shy.

This cop wasn’t at all suspicious of this dude? Like didn’t even bother running the plates?

She lost so much blood – I love that she used some of it to put up the ‘126’ on the wall.

Get a sister – Get a killer = season 3 of LS

This whole episode is so well done

“That girl can’t just see the sites like a normal tourist?” Paul ‘exhausted’ Strickland

Of course Grant borrowed his dad’s RV for a trip – guess he just never said how long that trip would be.

Survival instincts are crazy

“Are you a liar?” – child Marjan to Adult Marjan

His constant use of the word ‘friend’ gets super annoying after like the 3rd time he said it.

It is awesome how they had every part of the 126 (with a late cronut assist from Tommy) helping to find Marjan �� and similar to 4x04 – Marjan saved herself – but had help in finishing the job

So I guess it is: get a sister – get a killer – save yourself from the killer – your family assists you getting medical help

The scene in the tunnel – The terror in Marjan’s eyes was something I FELT. Not just saw – but FELT

Flare to the neck – nice way for an abusive killer to die

Kinda happy it was extra painful, even if it was quick

Off topic – but I have been watching A LOT of Stranger Things – so the scene of Paul, Judd, and Owen all being on their radios made me laugh and think of the kids/teens (mostly the never-ending story scene)

Now Kylie will never have to look over her shoulder for her abusive ex again.

Owen’s face at the truck after they find the old man’s body – perfect expression of fear and grief.

I am so glad they cut the Nanteo scene in the hospital

Give them development, but this wasn’t the time

Super cute TK sleeping on Carlos

I do hope that they do something with what they have been sorta building up for them

SO FUCKING OVER THE DIET/NEGATIVE FOOD REFERENCES

None of these people do well with R&R – not a single one of them – But I think Grace and Owen are the worst

“It could be that our daughter just don’t got no interest at all” Judd Ryder – good luck buddy

“Who is here for Marjan Marwani” EVERYONE

“Why you guys first? Fine just don’t take too long.” Mateo being the youngest brother.

Another great quotable episode

I did love the reveal of it being a younger Marjan, showing us her parents

This was such a strong episode – from top to bottom, every member of the cast & crew really gave it their all – and it shows.

She looks so small in that hospital bed with her found brother & adopted dad, then her smile when she gets the flowers from her parents – such a great ending scene.

Looking forward to the rest of the season – It just keeps getting better.

[rosemarytales]

thoughts on my ttpd first listen

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone): I've been saying her relationship with alcohol was not healthy bruuuh. I love how she takes her life, which the vast majority of her listeners would not be able to relate to, and makes an "understandable" metaphor out of it. But it must break her to do so. Love Post Malone's voice here, he really compliments her well. THE MV THO with the dead poets <3<3<3<3<3

TTPD: girl go get your lover tf 😭😭😭 whole era dedicated to this muse, incredible.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys: getting mad MATHP vibes from the storytelling here.

Down Bad: now I'm starting to really get dragged in the album. The first verse rewired something in me, Idk. also if I speak about the muse... The New Romantics mention, I died dead. Also someone needs to edit kenstewy to the "hostile takeover" bit.

So Long, London: my favourite so far, I am in love with this vibe. It's giving YLM. Also I love the style of the intro, it's channeling the waves in a way, up until this point the album has a very distinct "look" and I can see it so clearly. My real question atp is how are we supposed to just, go on as normal after this album. She is baring her soul in a way she's never done before and it's not a happy soul, so how is just going to go on keeping her happy persona at Eras and how are we going to let her. I think the management is probably gonna make the last songs be happier ones to get back a bit of the persona. Like atp I'm not convinced the 5 stages of grief was her idea and I don't think this mental state is related to a specific breakup or a specific event, this is a cluster of stuff she's been carrying.

But Daddy I Love Him: "growin' up precocious sometimes means not growin' up at all" holy fuck, mood. My heart aches for her, this anger and resentment must have been burning holes through her and people are still probably not gonna see her as she wants to be seen even after this. She couldn't make this pain any clearer and tomorrow she is still gonna have to play pretend.

Fresh Out The Slammer: still breaking these chains!! If anyone at all is listening, there is a Taylor before this album and a Taylor after. Full stop, no going back.

Florida!!!: I LOVE THIS COLLAB I NEED A FULL ALBUM.

Guilty as Sin?: looove the beats on this one.

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me: "don't you worry folks we took out all her teeth" and the circus life, I am broken. This album is supposed to be her breaking her chains and the general reaction is "what ex caused this". I wouldn't be surprised if she committed mass murder.

I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can): this song is giving cowboy - Lana Del Rey - old americana vibe and I'm into it. It's a new thing for Taylor but it suits her well, especially with her country past.

loml: feeling the "All Things End" by Hozier vibes. Now that I think about it the whole album is kinda Hozier-y, like very heavy on lyricism, dark storytelling and kinda giving whiskey/soil/heavy clouds. I am obsessed.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: girl go to therapy I am begging you.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: THE SOUND!! THE WORDS!! THE TRUST ISSUES!! I love this song.

The Alchemy: psych ward mention in the obligatory football song, I see you, Miss Swift, trying to see who's actually listening. Well, I am.

Clara Bow: Nothing New bridge meets The Lucky One. I don't think anyone wants to be part of the industry after listening to this album, Tay, but we appreciate the sentiment.

The Black Dog: okay MsKingBean89. Also the location, she is hilarious.

imgonnagetyouback: bpdlor shining through, love you queen.

The Albatross: she hates her fans, and she is right. The Matty thing was heinous.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: beautiful song. I don't have many thoughts about it, it's deeply personal for the people involved (like much of the album), and since I'm not one of them I can just say she evokes images so beautifully with her words. She is extremely skilled and talented.

How Did It End?: the sound really captures the image of someone lost in thought at the grocery store, idk what else to say.

So High School: was she sick while recording this?

I Hate It Here: my anthem. me. myself. I.

thanK you aIMee: cute metaphors

I Look In People's Windows: Ebenezer Scrooge-ass anthem (I am crying does anyone remember my "on the glass wall" post, I'm adding this song). I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it sounds like she hadn't been singing for a while and she is incorporating vocal exercises in her songs, Idk why. (like "oh this exercise sounds fun, should insert it in a song").

The Prophecy: oh boy, oh boy, this one hit hard. Like really hard. "Shades of greige" is the perfect way to describe this album, it's rather monochrome and monothonous like sadness often is.

Cassandra: I love me a good Greek mythology reference. Incredible imagery. Bruno Madrigal's anthem.

Peter: yes. yes. this. Peter Pan imagery + Daisy Buchanan vibes, I died dead.

The Bolter: called me tf out. The leaks in the rowboat, my God...

Robin: not crying, you are.

The Manuscript: that's the ending I was talking about. There is no real happy closure, she had to go back 15 years to find a past that doesn't haunt her anymore, that's disheartening. I guess we'll see how this plays out, but I'm afraid she's not all that better. Hope she can take a break and get better soon.

Overall, I loved this album so much. It's everything I hoped Midnights would be and Midnights is in my top 3, so that's saying something. Considering how wordy it is, I think most songs will grow on me even more, looking forward to that.

[thedavinoparadox]

Reading Wrap-Up (July) 🌻📚

Selenio

"Breathe the sweetness that hovers in August." - Denise Levertov

Happy August everybody!

July has been quite a turbulent month, filled with a lot of hard decisions and important events. Although from an outsider’s perspective it might have been my first “truly free” month, it still often felt like the opposite, being caged in the expectations of other people (or what I assumed them to be…). I’m actually pleasantly surprised by the amount I still accomplished to read in the last 31 days.

Unsurprisingly, I mostly seek my comfort in literature and due to this, most of the books I have succumbed to this month were so-called comfort reads.

Hard Land by Benedict Wells (2021)

Some might call this cheating, as it was still June when I finished this exceptional novel but it would have felt wrong to never mention it in a blog post at all. Although I am a little bit late to reading this book (even though I was lucky to be part of a live reading a few years back), I still believed it to be a wonderfully heartfelt novel about the troubles of coming-of-age and the coming to terms with some hard truths about love, friendship and family (no pun intended…). Additionally, the 80s vibes were incredible and made me long for a vision of America I never lived in. Of course, this book sort of awakened the hypochondriac in my soul but it also brought me close to the point of shedding a tear or two.

A Clash of Kings & A Storm of Swords by George R. R. Martin (1998 & 2000)

Probably one of the most rebellious things I did after having finished all my A-level exams was to finally start the “A Song of Ice and Fire” book series by George R. R. Martin. And although I was almost convinced to regret it after the second or third book, I’m still having the grandest of grand old times with these books. Frankly, I did believe them to be a tad overhyped before opening them, but was quickly proven wrong by just how alive and… breathing this world feels, that he has created. It’s the little details and fleshed out characters which make these books so worth reading. They are just the thing to help you escape reality when things get a little too stressful.

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (1868)

No, I have not watched the movie yet. This is a sentence which I think I said to about twenty people over the course of the last year when being questioned on my thoughts on Little Women. Simply because I was so fixed on the idea of first finishing the book before even watching the trailer of the movie. And I think this has been one of the best decisions I have made this year. For this is one of the coziest, most heartfelt books I have ever laid my hands upon and the characters in it are just beautifully fleshed out, versatile and overall simply lovable. All of them. You can definitely stay tuned for a more in-depth review on this particular novel (and maybe even the movie…). Totally besides the point, but look at that gorgeous edition…

The Betrayed by Ursula Poznanski (2012)

I found this in my Audible library, quickly checked if I liked the voice of the audiobook (which can make or break a book to me…) and spontaneously decided to give it a try. Let me preface this by saying I'm not an avid reader of dystopian novels (aside from the occasional Orwell) and didn't really know what to expect. Well, I was met with well-rounded characters, a nicely done plot and very interesting world building. However, the whole starting point seemed to me quite typical for this genre. Nonetheless, Ursula Poznanski just never disappoints and is one of my absolute safe-picks when choosing an author. I would probably read a phone book, if it was written by her.

The Inkheart Trilogy by Cornelia Funke (2003 - 2007)

I have to be careful with my words here because this is one of my twin sister's absolute favorite book series and as we share this blog, it would be rather unwise to be unreasonably harsh. (Fortunately for me, these books really are brilliant and can’t be criticized easily).  I think for the amount of times she checked it out of the library, they could have given them to her for good. Well, this month she finally decided to get them for herself and naturally I got the right to read them immediately after she had finished them. Well how could I not after she had been raving about them every chance she got? And indeed, these books just feel like a warm hug from a person you have known your entire life. Like one of those cold, rainy summer evenings with a big cup of warm cocoa, a fuzzy blanket and the soft patter of rain on the windows. It's such a beautiful kind of whimsical fantasy with characters that seem to jump off the page (literally…). You just can’t help to fall in love with some of them and absolutely despise other ones. (And as I was looking up the pictures for this book I discovered that a new one is coming out this October! Finally I could be the bearer of good news and the smiles of readers whose favorite series is getting a follow-up is just priceless.)

[twistedmusings]

How the dorm leaders react when they catch you kissing someone from their dorm [Part 2]

A/N: AND HERE IT IS! Oh my god I still can't believe I managed to get this done! I actually stayed on task! Honestly these three were probably my favourite from the original post, I've had far too much fun writing these bois.

And what can I say? Playfully flirty MC is a good MC u wu

Warnings: Heavy smooching, possessive talk, and the reader just really pushing the dorm leader's buttons~

Part 1 here!

“How dare you...?”

Vil was more than happy to be coming back to Pomefiore with all the stuff that had happened today. Classes were more annoying than usual, he had to chase Leona down to tell him to get his work done and there had been some problems in the modeling studio that caused the lights to be brighter than usual and now he had a headache that only a nap could fix.

Thing was, if he wanted to keep his schedule as tight as possible he would need to stay awake for...another 6 hours.

One good thing was waiting for him though. Rook had greeted him at the entrance and let him know that the Ramshackle prefect was in the dorm today as per his request.

Good.

This would keep him awake. He remembers promising you a lesson in proper skincare in order to remedy whatever you did once you woke up in the morning. Deep in the back of his head he remembers you telling him that you just splash cold water on your face but he preferred to think that you at least put some sort of moisturizer. Maybe.

He rushes to his room to freshen up and makes sure that he has the materials he needs. Vil had decided that his own brand of face cleansing products would be a good start for your skin. The tingles in his fingertips went ignored as he thought of you thinking about him in the morning. It wasn’t that sort of thing at all, he reminded himself. Dorm leaders were supposed to help each other out, despite how often they were at each other’s throats, and he was just fulfilling his role not just as a dorm leader but as a...friend.

Vil takes one last look at the mirror and makes his way down the row of rooms in Pomefiore to reach the Lounge, only to stop when he sees you being pulled into one of the many rooms by what was clearly a Pomefiore’s students hand.

Wait what?

It’s almost alarming how quickly he approaches the door and puts his foot in it, choosing to stay quiet as he sees that the two people in the room didn’t even bother to wonder why the door hadn’t closed all the way. The student was pressing kisses against your lips in small intervals, choosing instead to talk as you run your hands up the expensive purple robe and taking in the little designs.

“I had a new lip scrub I wanted you to try out.”

“Really? Then why aren’t we in the bathroom?"

“That’s rather forward for a dorm leader. Is everyone in Ramshackle this daring?”

Vil couldn’t even pinpoint the student’s name. That was your first offense. The only thing he remembers about him is the man’s caramel brown hair and how it contrasted beautifully against his dark skin. After that, nothing could pop into his head that would make that student even remotely interesting for you to be hanging off of him like that! Of all the people to be with, it just had to be a nameless potato, didn’t it?

The hairs at the back of his head stand up as the potato hands you what he believes to be the best lip scrub in the business, which only makes the alarms in Vil’s head go off even louder. That brand wasn’t even known for doing lip scrubs! In fact, they once put out a three in one shampoo/conditioner and the fact that the student even had that brand in the dorms and you just blatantly accepting it was your second offense.

And as much as he wanted to focus on that being the thing that truly bothered him, he felt the alarms deafening him as he saw the potato’s hands wrap around your waist as he kissed you again, your lips parting to let him inside.

He shouldn’t be looking at this, he should be leaving and just leave you to your own devices. The lesson wasn’t important, you weren’t that important to him--

Amethyst eyes widen when you tilt your head as the student starts kissing down your neck, already choosing one spot to make his own as he licks and nips at the skin while you dig your fingers into his robe.

Vil didn’t really know how to describe the sudden surge of energy that caused him to fling the door open and grab the student by the back of his robe and pull him backwards, eyes glaring at you the entire time as you whisper his name, as if suddenly remembering that you had a previous engagement before this whole ‘sticking your tongue down a Pomefiore student’s throat’’ business.

“Prefect. My room. Now.”

You put your hands up and walk out of the room without looking at him, Vil letting go of the student’s robes and walking out after you. He didn’t even need to tell him that he was in trouble, the student would realize it soon enough once Rook delivered the chores that needed to be done by tonight.

A list only that student would be getting instead of the entire dorm.

Vil closes the door of his room and turns the lock rather harshly, looking back at you sitting at the edge of his bed still staring at the window. You weren’t trying to defend yourself, you weren’t even looking at him.

“I hate to be kept waiting, Prefect. Not just that, it is extremely rude to keep someone waiting just so you can fraternize with someone in my dorm.”

No answer. He grabs his desk chair and sits down so he can face you directly.

“What made you go and pick that potato?”

“Why would that be any of your business Vil-senpai?”

It was very much his business, if you asked him. He would have been okay if it was Epel or even Rook that you had picked to make out with but he wasn’t just going to stand around and watch as one of the student’s whose name he didn’t even know threw all of his work out of the window! So he asked the question again, this time getting a chuckle as an answer which only served to upset him even more.

“Out of anyone in my dorm you could have picked, you had to go with someone who offers you such a low quality brand of lip scrub?”

“That is your problem with this? What he offered me? Me and him just started hanging out, we know nothing about each other! I just wanted to change that.”

His headache was coming back again.

Vil put hard work into everything he did. That was his work ethic and people be damned if they thought it was too much. Maybe they couldn’t handle it but they still respected it, respected his craft and the work he put into it.

So why do you, of all of his recent projects, disrespect him so blatantly?

It was clear you weren’t ready yet, Vil wasn’t done working with you yet. After doing something like this, and right inside his dorm, he knew that you had just taken all of the careful brushes and strokes he had decorated your canvas with…

And burnt it right in front of his eyes.

Which is why he didn’t necessarily feel any guilt when he grabbed your cheeks and pulled his own lipstick out of his back pocket, ignoring your protests.

“Quiet.”

He applies the shade quickly and before you have any chance to protest, pushes his lips against yours.

The kiss is anything but sweet. It’s almost punishing. Vil was reminding you that you were a work in progress. He still had so much left to teach you, so much left to work with you and if you kept rushing things you were going to make him mad. Once he was done with you, you could go about your pitiful little life and kiss whoever you wanted and he wouldn’t even bat an eyelash.

A hand grasps at his wrists as you press his palms on your cheeks, your tongue gently pressing against his lips so you could slip inside--

Nevermind. This sort of impatient kissing would also have to go.

He pulls away and pushes you onto the mattress, your eyes hazy with eagerness and confusion as Vil removes his jacket and gloves and leans down to trap you below him.

“Were you this greedy with him? Did he also get this treatment from you? No, don’t answer. I fear I’ll only get angrier if you do. Now be an obedient little potato and stay still, the first thing I’ll fix is that messy kissing of yours.”

“ :( “

Snacks runs had to be the most annoying and heart pounding of his usual daily life quests. If waking up was a struggle enough, especially when no special loot such as new anime or manga was available, it was hard to complete such basic tasks without some sort of incentive.

Although Idia guessed that not dying of starvation was enough of an incentive.

He walks down the corridor of his own dorm, humming a quiet tune to himself as he looks down at all the snacks he had acquired. Which, score! They even had a limited edition chip flavor that came with the card of one of his favourite idols! It took everything in his power to not just spend all of his money on more than one bag but he had such a good day today that he knew his gacha pull luck just had to be good.

The door to a room behind him opens, Idia quickly picking up his pace and hiding behind a corner as he looks at who it could be. He isn't against anyone in his dorm but...he didn't have the means to engage in any conversation that wasn't about his current FPS game or Gakemo so--

"Thank you for the help! I thought my phone was beyond repair!"

His hands tighten around the chips pressed tight to his chest, eyes wide in surprise as he sees you stepping out of the room.

Of all people...why were you here so late?

The student laughs as he scratches the back of his head, handing you back your phone and looking away.

“No--No problem! I...I honestly didn’t think you would come to me for help. I integrated the newest magical technology on it as well as voice activated features and a--a brand new messaging app that sends messages faster!”

Idia clicked his tongue as he heard the student speak. Look at him showing off. You didn’t know that he was taking advantage of your naive mind! You didn’t know anything about magic so, of course, all those features would sound fancy!

When it was literally taking your phone and just downloading some fancy new apps on it!

Yet there you were, marveling down at it as if you had just gotten the latest version.

Well maybe he shouldn’t complain too much, even from here he could see your smile. A part of him worried that all this luck he was suddenly getting would affect the luck he would get on his chip bag but...you were worth it.

Such a rare event shouldn’t be left unnoticed.

Maybe...maybe if he stayed here you could walk by and he could open up the ‘bumping into each other late at night’ event?

“So how can I repay you? Do you need anything done?”

Idia tunes back into the conversation as he frowns, looking back at the two of you as the student looks at every single corner of the ceiling instead of looking at you.

Payment? The guy had just downloaded a couple of apps that wasn’t good enough reason to offer some sort of payment. He frowns and taps his foot impatiently as the guy stutters out a few excuses before finally giving you an answer.

“A ki--A kiss? Would that be alright?”

The Ignihyde dorm leader almost falls down as he hears that, retreating further into his corner as he glared daggers at the guy who had just dared to ask for such a bold request.

A k--kis--kiss? A kiss...from you?

This guy was starting to piss him off! He should just be content staring at you! You were a SSR character all on your own! That guy should be happy he even got to talk to you at all and shouldn’t ask for more than he was given! He already rolled for such a life changing event why would he even want more!

His eyes soften when he sees you mull it over. It was okay, you could reject him. Such a guy wouldn’t even be worthy of a kiss from you so you so all you had to do was say no! Go on, [Y/N], just reject hi--

Idia can feel his heart breaking as his muscles stop working, dropping all of his stuff on the floor with a thud as the sound echoes. Yet it went ignored, the other two people in the hallway too busy with their own activities.

When...when had you even kissed him? Idia only remembers you putting your phone away and the moment he blinked you had already pressed your lips against that other guy--!

He should be leaving, why isn’t he moving?

The student’s hand goes to your waist as you deepen it, his face turning a deep shade of red as you pull away and tap his lips.

“Was that your first kiss?”

“...y--yes..”

You were smiling and giving him such a rare, almost ultimately rare item and Idia didn’t know how long he could stare until he combusted.

So all he could do was turn around…

And run as fast as he could.

He ignored the familiar voice calling out his name, footsteps quickly following him as he started to run out of breath.

Making a poor otaku like him run, even now you were still being so cruel to him!

Idia’s door slides open as he bursts inside, ready to bury himself in his bed and never come out again--!

Only to stop when he hears you hiss in pain.

Blue eyes turn around to see your foot jammed into his doorway, not allowing the electric door to slide closed. A part of him wants to immediately go to you and ask if you were alright but he stops himself as the image of your kiss flashes through his mind again.

“[Y/N]-shi! W--What--!”

You rub at your foot and sigh, walking in with a confused look as Idia presses his back against his bookshelf. He knew it. If a SSR character could be brought to real life, this is the sort of power they would have over him.

The kind of aura you were emitting was enough for him to want to get on his knees, but he chose to remain strong.

“I was calling out to you…didn’t you hear me?”

Idia turns his head and looks at the floor, the pain still raw and emotionally taxing than what he was used to. Disappointment was one thing but heartbreak was a complete other monster!

“Shouldn’t--Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend?”

He spits the word out, annoyed that a guy from his dorm could unlock...no...could get someone like you. You were open to every single activity Idia gave you, you gave him good feedback and didn’t get scared when you two disagreed on something. Every manga he gave you, you read and every anime he told you to watch, you would watch it.

You were receptive, you were attentive, you were what Idia wanted in a real life friend!

He hadn’t dared hope for more!

That still didn’t mean he couldn’t fantasize when he was all by himself.

“Boyfriend…?”

You tilt your head in confusion before chuckling as you realized what had happened.

“Oh so you saw that.”

Is that all you were going to say?! You had just taken his heart and crushed it into tiny little pieces and you were just going to talk about what a pervert he was being!

Someone just KO him now, like right now!

“Yes...I saw. So what? You were just ki-kissi--doing that thing from everyone to see! So you should just go back to him instead of bullying me in my own room!”

Please just leave, he wanted to cry in peace.

Yet you stubbornly remain, just like the first time he met you.

“Idia I don’t know what crazy assumptions you are making but that guy isn’t my boyfriend.”

You put up one finger.

“He fixed my phone…”

Another one follows after.

“And he asked for a kiss for payment. Simple as that. You shouldn’t act like you caught us doing something major. It was just a kis---”

Large hands land on your shoulders as Idia now stands in front of you, head hung low as he mutters something to himself.

“Just a kiss….just a kiss.”

You jump as he gets close to your face, eyes staring at you pleadingly as he cupped your face.

“JUST A KISS? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? AN EXTRA RARE CHARACTER SUCH AS YOURSELF SHOULDN’T BE GIVING OUT SUCH RARE ITEMS LIKE THAT!”

He shakes you back and forth.

“IF YOUR KISS WAS JUST NORMAL THEN EVEN I...I COULD--”

Idia’s eyes fall on your lips, the rush of adrenaline mixed in with his built up desire for you all culminating in two choices popping up in his head. And for the first time, he knew that hesitation was not an option.

So he dives in.

His lips met yours roughly, not really moving them or anything but just pressing them against you. You put your hands gently on his chest but he takes it as a protest, which only causes him to push them onto yours even more.

This was...disastrous.

He had never kissed anyone before. How in the world did he think that he would be able to kiss you? Ah, maybe this was a dream? Right! He had just dreamed all of this up and you didn’t really force your way into his room to confront him!

His hair flares up when you cup his face, pushing him away slightly and tilting him in such a way that your lips would meet in a much softer fashion. He looks down and sees you closing your eyes, following in your footsteps and melting inside your kiss.

You both pull away slowly, Idia opening his eyes and blushing when he sees you licking your lips and sending him a teasing grin.

A rare sight...made only for him.

“I feel like I just spent all my stamina on this one event...so I don’t want to go unrewarded. Can we go further? I want to go further. What option do I have to pick for you to do that again, [Y/N]?”

“Don’t touch them.”

“YOUNG MASTER! WHERE ARE YOU!”

Malleus sighs as he looks on at the Diasmonia students gathered around the outskirts of the school, smiling as he sees Sebek directing them each and every way. Sebek really didn’t give up, did he? One of his classes had been canceled and he was eager to see the gargoyles around Ramshackle in a much better light but he figured Sebek would cause up a stir when he didn’t find him in his classroom.

As much as he appreciated him, Sebek didn’t have to walk him to every single class.

He sighs and goes deeper into the woods behind Ramshackle, the small broken path there leading him down a familiar terrain.

This is where he usually walked with you, after all.

Seeing this place in bright light was so very different. Instead of it being illuminated by his lights, the sun peeked out from over the trees and provided a sunny trail instead of the usual moonlight. He took a deep breath as he breathed in the smell of flowers all around, all of them growing wildly around him and defying any human to try and tame them.

His fingers trace some of the thorns he found on some of them, the flowers attracted to his touch and moving closer to his hands as a small vine wrapped around his finger.

All with his magic’s help after all.

This was his safe space. Malleus would come here during his first and second year and lose himself in the wilderness. In here no one would fear him. Here every single thing was responsive to his touches and even dared to touch back. Some of the wild rose bushes also reminded him of him, Malleus adding a bit more thorns around the flowers as in to emulate the very home he missed.

In this lonely place, he flourished.

But it wasn’t so lonely now, was it?

His third year had brought one big surprise. A human. A child of man who did not know who he was or what he was capable of. They looked at him as if he was just any other stranger roaming around their dorm and not the next ruler of the Valley of Thorns.

And Malleus, being the very curious person he is, found himself pulled to your inattentiveness.

He had dropped many hints that he was eager to get to know you more, relishing in the fact that you two were starting to get closer. And while he had hoped to keep his identity a secret a bit longer, he found it almost unbearable for you to not know who he was.

If you were so open with who you were, then he should show you the same kind of respect.

How wonderful that you were now on a first name basis with each other.

Malleus could walk over to Ramshackle dorm now and knock on your door without hesitation, smiling as he sees your excitement at just what places you two would discover in the dead of night.

Bummer you couldn’t be with him now.

He had seen you come out of your dorm and ask Sebek if he needed any help, to which the fae replied rather rudely that no human could ever track down his young master, so he was a bit reluctant to discover any more places without you by his side.

These walks were something you two did together, after all.

So he remained at this spot, touching everything and anything that would strike his fancy while going deeper and deeper into a small clearing you two had found. A large tree decorated its middle, the leaves falling gently upon the ground as the sun shone down on the large pond that provided this part of the forest with the water it needed to balance out the sun’s gentle rays.

“Shhhh, don’t make too much noise.”

Malleus stops as he hears your voice, his head immediately turning towards the sound as he hears rustling behind him. He smiles and turns to where he thought you were coming from only to be struck by a sudden idea--and immediately hiding among the trees and bushes so you couldn’t see him.

Would you be surprised to find him here?

He hoped so. Malleus had the habit of appearing to you suddenly so this wouldn’t be breaking any traditions between you two. If he played his cards right, you might join him on a walk all the way to the edge of the island.

“Prefect do you know where you are going?”

“I do! I’ve been here so many times. Now come on!”

Another person’s voice. No...he had heard that voice before.

Malleus retreats back into his hiding spot as he sees you rush by, holding by the hand a Diasmonia student as he rushes to follow you. You smile and turn around, still holding his hand while the other looked on in amazement at where you had led him.

“Prefect...this is…”

“Like it? Me and Malleus found it a while ago. This is how we know we are close to the edge of the forest.”

The Diasmonia dorm leader smiles as he watches you show the student around, pointing out different sights and sounds as the other watched on in amazement. That student probably had never gone anywhere this secret and while Malleus was glad you were showing off the place you two shared…

There was a feeling deep inside his chest that flared up angrily as he caught the student looking at you more than his surroundings.

Green eyes watch as the student’s hand clenches and unclenches, seemingly working up the courage to do something as you continue speaking. Which was rather rude, in Malleus’s opinion. You were explaining some wonderful things about the flora here and he was just staring at you without engaging in the conversation.

And how did you two know each other? Malleus had never mentioned you in Diasmonia except to Silver and Lilia, had he known you before him?

Malleus hands grip the tree bark tighter as the student takes your hand, stopping your explanation as he gets you to focus your attention on him.

What--?

“I’ve been eager to find some time alone with you.”

The student clears his throat before pulling you by the hand gently, your surprised look turning into one of playfulness as you follow along with his movements. He leads you to the edge of the pond, spinning you around as you allow him to position you in such a way that you are now closer to him than before.

Which only makes the angry feeling in Malleus’s gut flare up even more.

“Have you now? What for?”

An answer Malleus wanted to know as well.

Blushing, the student smiles and leads you into a dance with no music which only served to make you laugh and make Malleus’s fingers dig deep into the wood of the poor tree.

In the dragon fae’s eyes, you two are dancing for hours without caring about who was around. Why had he even brought you here? This student was part of Sebek’s surveillance crew and yet here he was not doing his job. But he wasn’t the one who brought you here…

You were.

Your actions were lost on Malleus as the dance finishes up, the student dipping you low before bringing you up.

“So you brought me here to dance? Who knew Diasmonia students were so charming.”

Malleus didn’t like the way you were smiling, nor how your hands rested on the student’s shoulders. He hadn’t seen this side of you before, you were playing along with this student and his motives.

Had you always been so playful? Malleus had only seen you during the night and whenever you two spoke it was a conversation worthy of two friends sharing experiences together.

But not this...never this…

“Well, not just a dance. I’ve wanted to state my intentions outright.”

The tree starts to crack slowly as Malleus can feel more thorns growing out of the rose bushes around him.

“Ever since you arrived, you have been an enigma to me. You are always so helpful even to those who do not seek your aid. Even now, you didn’t have to help me search for our Young Master."

He wasn’t searching for anyone, he was too close to you for Malleus’s liking and he needed to learn how to respect your boundaries.

“Yet you still offered me your help...and I…I want to...”

The student was leaning closer as his hands slid down to your waist, Malleus staring as you started to tilt your head as you placed your hands on his chest while his lips were dead set on meeting yours--!

Your face is tilted up as cold lips meet yours, your mouth opening in a surprised gasp as the hold the student had on you was no longer shy and timid but angry and possessive. These lips were pulling you in closer and closer, greedily eating each and every sound you were making as the air was slowly stolen from your lungs.

A string of saliva is left hanging as you two separate, your eyes fluttering open as you think of something to say to such a ravishing kiss.

Only for them to open wide in surprise as you see who you had really kissed.

“Malleus!?”

You turn to look behind the fae’s back, the Diasmonia student looking at his Young Master in mild panic and surprise while Malleus presses you close against his chest, clearly hiding you from view.

Right before the student even had a chance to taste your lips, Malleus had rushed out of his hiding place and pulled him away by the collar of his shirt.

For a dragon to watch on as something that was his was so close to be taken away, the surprise must have gotten to him.

“Go tell Sebek to head back to Diasmonia and call off his search. I will be there by nightfall.”

The student tries to stutter out a response but Malleus glares back as he keeps you pressed firmly against him.

“Now.”

You watch the student leave in a hurry, following the broken path you had led him in with. Your eyes peek up to look at Malleus but the dorm leader waits until the sound of footsteps is long gone before tilting your face up again and leaning down to press his lips against yours in another rough and dominating kiss.

Hands push you forward as your back collides with the huge tree in the clearing, Malleus making sure that the back of your head meets the bark gently as his lips never parted from yours. You wrap your arms around him as best as you could and let out an involuntary squeak when the fae decides to pick you up so that you could pull him in even closer.

He is the one to pull away first, hands firmly on your bottom as you wrap your legs around his waist to support yourself.

“Malleus--”

The fae presses another kiss to your lips, effectively silencing you so that all your attention would be on him.

“Don’t ever bring someone else into this place, child of man. Do I make myself clear? This place is our haven and I will not have someone else come steal both it and you away from me. Well, even if you don’t understand, I’ll make sure to explain it to you thoroughly. Now...kiss me again.”

[loousir]

[Merman] From a Distance

Popular Octomer Male x Photographer Male Reader Part One

Cassian

Warnings: Octoboy flirting

•︎☆×【Ｐｒｉｄｅ】×☆•

2 of 7 The Seven Sins Series

Masterlist | Part Two | Part Three

---------------------------------------------------------------

*Click*

The snap of a camera lense sounded as you took one of soon to be many pictures. The breeze blew gently, ruffling your clothes and getting some loose strands of hair in your face. Even though it was early in the morning, the coast line shops were pretty busy. You walked down the street, snapping the occasional picture here and there.

"Oh, um, excuse me!"

A shy voice called out. You turned back to see a short brunette with soft freckles littering their face. "Were you calling for me?" They nod as they stop in front of you. "Yes, s-sorry for stopping you but... Are you a photographer by chance?" They asked softly. You smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah. Need me to take pictures of something?" You asked with a small laugh which made the other smile.

"Actually, yes. Our photographer cancled last minute and we have a shoot in 10." They started to get a little frantic, trying to convince you to take photos for them but just the chance to take pictures had you hooked. "I can take them. And if we need underwater shots I can do those. The camera's Mer-tech and I was planning to do some later."

You smiled more and the other was beaming. They grabbed your hand and shook it. "You're perfect!! Thank you so much! I'll pay you double for this!" They said before pulling you towards where their photo shoot was.

"Hold on a second." You said as you readied your camera. The other looked back at you, about to ask what was wrong when you took a few pictures of them. They seemed shocked and a blush covered their face. "Sorry, we can keep going." Their blush didn't let up but they kept a hold of your hand none the less.

The photo spot was a beautiful cove cave that was one in a million. Your photographer instinct kicked in and you saw so many photo opportunities as you walked deeper into the cove's cave. "Is this where we're taking photos?" You asked as they let go of your hand. They nodded. "Yeah, have you ever worked with a Mer before?" You shook your head when they looked back at you.

"We're taking photos of a Caribbean Reef Octomer for the Mid-Human Monthly. He's gonna be on the cover page and have two dedicated to him so we need a few different pictures." Your eyes widened slightly and you nodded. 'He must be impressive then...' You thought to yourself.

A few moments had past which let you get introduced to the crew that you would be working with. A blonde pygmy satyr woman came up to you and slapped a hand on your shoulder making you jump slightly. "So you're our new camera guy." Her accent gave away that she was from the south. You nod and she has a grin on her face for a moment before getting semi-serious.

"Can I see some of your pictures." "Oh, yeah," You said pulling out your phone and opening up your "portfolio" folder. "I can also show some of the ones I took today." She scrolls through the pictures and has an impressed look on her face. "These are really well edited." She commented as you pulled up some of the pictures on your camera. "Oh they're not edited or anything yet. That's just the camera and some setting tweaks." You mumbled out mindlessly while scrolling to the cameras gallery.

She looked back up to you and you looked to her. "You got these pictures, with that camera?" You nodded and showed her some other pictures but also the best one that you took of the one who recruited you to be a stand in photographer. "I'll be damned. It really is unedited." She hands you back your phone and you close out the gallery app before turning it off and slipping it back in your pocket. "I look forward to working with you and depending how this shoot goes, working with you in the future." Your eyes widened slightly as you shook her extended hand.

"Well I sure hope it goes great then!" You said as she guided you over to the deep pool in the middle of the cove. There was a deep river/crevass that lead out to the open ocean which allowed merfolk to make their way in here as well. "Do you have a change of swim clothes in that bag?" She asked, referring to the bag over your shoulder. "Actually, yeah, I do. I was planning on going under the pier later today. Is there somewhere I can change my shorts?" She nods and motions towards a familiar nb brunette who was fiddling with some papers. "Dakota can take you over to our temp makeup room. It'll give you some privacy to change."

You nodded and thanked her before walking over to the other who you now knew as Dakota. They looked up to you when they heard your footsteps crunching against the gravely ground. "Oh, um, hi." They still seemed nervous from when you took their picture. "Could you show me where your makeup room is? I'm gonna change so I can take pictures." They blushed softly and nodded, leading you over to a curtained, box like structure. "I'll wait outside so no one comes in." They said softly as you stepped into the box.

"Thank you, Datoka." You said as you disappeared behind the curtains. After a few minutes you re-emerged and walked over to Dakota. "Could I also ask you to watch my stuff?" They looked up to you and nodded. You bowed slightly out of habit and thanked them before going over to the director. "I'm ready when our model is." You said, holding your camera close. She nodded and motioned for someone else to come over before walking off to do something.

A tall guy with what looked like a bottle of alcohol came over to you and cautiously poured a glass. "Don't worry, it's not what you're thinking. It's so you can go take pictures easily without drowning. I'll drink some too of your worried about it." You looked at the glass he was holding out to you. It was a light blue drink with some bubbles in it. It looked and smelled like some sort of tropical soda drink.

"Plus we are a professional company, we have rules and regulations to follow regarding things like this. But once you drink up and sign these papers," He said while handing you two pages and a pen, "You'll be ready to go get started with Cassian. He should be here..." He said, dragging his words a bit as he looked around the water. You scanned over the information and it was a simple agreement term for taking the potion.

After confirming there was no sketchy things, you signed and drank the potion. It was like a tropical drink.

Before you knew it, right when you had handed the stuff back, a tan muscular torso with long blonde hair, breached the surface not too far in front of you. You watched as he brushed the lose, wet hair from his face, making a few people in the crowd blush.

'Lucky bastard. He's one of those guys that can do anything and make it look hot.'

You thought to yourself before the guy standing next to you started to talk. "You'll be good for about 6 hours and you'll be able to communicate like on land. Oh also, that, is Cassian." He said, referring to the blonde that you were looking at. Cassian was making casual conversation with some of the group before the same Satyr lady came and talked with him.

You watched for a moment longer before the two blondes looked over to you, making your heart jump slightly. Before you knew it, the tall guy had left your side and the blondes were making their way over to you. You walked a little to meet them halfway.

"I don't think I properly introduced myself!" She said looking up to you. "I'm Siv Penningfon. I mostly do freelance director work for Mid-Human Monthly." You bowed to her slightly. "(Y/n) (L/n), I just moved here but I do freelance photography. If it's a gig that pays I'll take it." You said with a small laugh, making her smile more.

"Of course we can't forget who we're here to take picture of. This is Cassian. I'm sure Dakota told you about him so I'll spare you the details." You smiled, laughed, and nodded before walking over to Cassian to shake his hand. His hands were strong and callous, clearly saying he did some sort of physical work. "Nice to meet you, (Y/n)." He said with a soft smirk. You instantly knew what he was playing at and simply brushed it off with a soft smile and nod.

'I know how to play that game Cassian. Don't go getting full of yourself now.'

"Right! I do believe you are ready to go take pictures right?" You nodded again as you pulled your hand away from Cassian's and looked back to Siv. "Yeah, where are we gonna go first?" Siv thinks for a moment. "I have some spots but it's still a bit early for them. How about you pick the first spot?"

Your eyes lit up, knowing the perfect place for an early morning picture. "Yes! I know somewhere."

A few moments had passed of you leading the other two over to a place near the entrance of the cove. "The way that the sun shines through the water is perfect. It'll frame his figure nicely and offer an enhancement to his already strong contrast to the waters colour." You mumbled out to yourself before stepping into the water. "Well, I'll let you get to work. You've got an hour in this spot but if you're done before then, we can move on." You nodded to Siv before going under.

It was a weird sensation. You hesitantly took a breath, not inhaling water but oxygen. Carefully, you got used to this whole underwater breathing thing before swimming over to Cassian who was messing around with the kelp. You snapped a few pictures of him as he was distracted by something on the floor before noticing you and looking up, half smirking, showing off his sharp canines. You took some more pictures of his little show before guiding him on what you wanted for the pictures.

'For being so full of himself, he listens well. Kinda shocking.'

Cassian looks to his left, holding out his hand as if to hold some of the sun's rays. His hair was floating beautifully around him, the sun framing his facial structure. You snapped a bunch of pictures of him as he continued to pose. You stopped for a moment to mess with some of the camera settings and Cassian saw this as an opportunity to mess with you. He carefully made his way over to you, gently wrapping one of his tentacles around your ankle.

You looked down to his tentacle before looking at his octopus half. It was gorgeous. The way it faded from his tan skin into a much darker brown that steadily spotted and faded out into a bright blue that still held heavy contrast to the more greenish blue water behind him. His tentacle slowly moved up your leg to your thigh but before it could get any further you slapped it away, looking up to him unamused. "Let's maybe wait until we arent working anymore." You said to him with a small wink before going back to what you were doing. Cassian blushed softly and pulled his tentacle back close to his body.

The two of you were under the water for the rest of your hour time limit, racking up hundreds of pictures before you decided to head back up to the surface, Cassian following you. Once you got to the sunny surface, you moved your hair from your face and looked around. You weren't too far from the cove, being on the outside of it just past the entrance on the opposite side of the first photo spot. "I just noticed, I don't think you've even said anything to me since we met." He shrugged and thought for a moment. "I guess I haven't. Not much to say I suppose."

Right as he finished his words, Siv came over to the both of you to show the spot she was talking about. "Cas, if you need a private area I can get you one." Cassian shakes his head. "Don't worry about it, just give me a few and I'll meet you over there." He said, knowing which spot she was talking about. You followed Siv over to a small, foliage covered area. You were confused as there was nothing more than a small pond that Cassian would definitely overflow. Siv seemingly noticed your confusion and decided it might be a good idea to explain the situation. "Cassian is one of the lucky mer-folk that can shift. So he should be getting changed and heading over here soon." You nodded your head and messed with the camera settings again.

A few moments had passed by and a quite tall, yet familiar blonde came over to the two of you wearing a white button-up shirt that had the top three buttons undone, a slim pair of nice dress pants, and a pair of simple leather slip-on dress shoes. His hair was still loose but he had a hair tie around his wrist. "Good lords." You mumbled under your breath before looking away with a blush. Siv seemed to have heard you as she gently pat your back. "This is the last spot unless you wanna take some more pictures. I'm sure the two of you got more than enough pictures while you were under." You smiled and nodded.

"I'd say that's up to Cassian. If he wants to take more pictures somewhere else then I would be down to do it." You said turning back to look at him, only to lock eyes with his bright blue ones. Cassian smiles. "I can't think of anywhere off the top of my head, but if I do think of somewhere while we're taking pictures, I'll let you know." You nodded and looked back to Siv who waved to the both of you as she walked away to leave the two of you to synergize.

He looks at you with furrowed brows for a moment before asking. "Why didn't you change?" You looked up to him and responded, "I'm gonna dry off before I change. I kinda have to put these back in my bag and I don't wanna do that if their wet." Cassian nods and hesitates to say something before changing his mind and not saying it. "Let's go over to the gazebo first."

You followed him over to the gazebo where the two of you took many pictures before moving on to some other spots. After 30 or so minutes, Cassian had stood up and walked over to you. "Are you not wearing sunblock?" He asked, looking at your shoulders. "I was but I guess I have to reapply."

"Well how about you sit in the shade and I go grab a shirt and some water for you." He said with a handsome smirk. You smiled cheekily back to him as you sat in the shade before watching him walk off. A few moments later he returned with a seemingly large shirt and two bottles of water. "Dakota was being protective over your bag so I just grabbed one of my shirts." You nodded as he handed you the sunscreen he pulled from his pocket and the water.

"Do you need help putting the sunscreen on?" You thought for a moment before shyly nodding. "I would appreciate it... I put it on before I left this morning but apparently it wasn't very well done..." He smiles and takes the sunblock back. You sat down on a rock nearby and he popped the cap and put some on his hand before asking you to hold the bottle for him.

He started with your arms, going shoulder to wrist. His hands, though calloused, were soft in rubbing the sunscreen into you skin. You blushed as he continued on and put some on your face, starting from your forehead and moving down. His hands cupped your cheeks, rubbing gently under your closed eyes. "Can I tell you something?" He asked quietly.

You looked up to him and tilted your head slightly. You may have only known him for a few hours but the fact that the confidence he carried so boldly had disappeared had you confused. "Is it odd to say I've never felt this way before? I've never had anyone treat me the way you have." You furrowed your brows after he said that. "What do you mean?"

Cassian shakes his head. "Sorry... I don't know what I'm saying." You didn't press him any farther so you decide to just nod and let him do as he pleased. He put on a smile and said, "Let's keep taking pictures after you put the shirt on." You nodded and slipped the shirt on as he drank from his water bottle. The shirt was much bigger than your frame, going down to about your mid thigh.

The two of you continued the photoshoot without incident. About another hour passed before Siv came to grab the both of you. "That's just about all the time we have for now. Cas, you've got some interviews as well soon. And (Y/n), I'll have you go over some documents for both pay and legal permissions. I'll let you head back on your own but just be back before the hour is over." Both of you nodded and you looked up to Cassian. "Hey Cas?" He looked down to you, cheeks flushing slightly when he did.

"Would you wanna come to the festival this weekend?"

---

3050 not proof read

[niksfics]

↬ FATE

↬ PAIRINGS: kenma x f!reader (side aka rebound mention) miya atsumu x f!reader

↬ WARNINGS: a whole lotta angst, breakup, it’s an online relationship, kenma is cold and hurts ur feelings

↬ SUMMARY: your relationship with kenma really had felt like the last one. He was it, turns out he didn’t have similar feelings.

↬ A/N: alright loves!! This isn’t proofread at all it’s 2 in the morning I’ll edit when I wake up, butttt Thanks to my lovely ex girlfriend you are now being graced with this steaming pile of trash. (Lovely was not meant sarcastically at all she is in fact very lovely.) Ngl almost, if not all of this story is about my relationship with my ex gf. This is how I cope people. ￫ It’s taken me awhile to actually be able to right something that’s why things kinda stopped. Tbh after she broke up with me it’s been very hard for me to write so hopefully this helps! And I hope you enjoy!! I would also just like to say if it feels a lil weird it’s cause these are things I’ve actually written in my notes I tweaked it a little to fit the story but it’s straight from the source 😩

WC | 2.5K

You sighed as you opened your notes app. Your eyes scanning over all of the little facts and quirks he had told you about himself. All the stuff you’d wanted to remember. The stuff that had seemed so important to you before. Now it was meaningless, almost like facts about a stranger. Almost as if you hadn’t spent four months learning about and growing with eachother.

You scrolled down a little bit right under, how his favorite marvel character is Spider-Man and you chewed on your lip. Your fingers hovering above the keyboard on your phone. You looked over the facts again. The things he dislikes and the stuff he adores, the things he likes to collect to the way he feels passionately about a certain topic. You begin to type.

Friday June 25th 2022 12:22 Am

I cried again tonight, because I still love you. It’s been a month and six days since we broke up. It feels like there’s a hole in my chest. You seem to be doing fine though, so I’m happy for you! This is the second time since we’ve broken up that I’ve felt actual physical emotional pain in my chest. Remember when I told you how bad it hurt after we broke up? Remember how you didn’t even ask if I was ok? Didn’t even bother to answer. Do you remember that? I remember. I’ve thought about it every day since. I remember it being so bad I genuinely thought I was having a heart attack. Wasn’t until I’d called tetsu crying that he’d told me it was just emotional and I should probably try to relax.

I read through our old messages. I’ve never wanted something back so bad. Never wanted to beg anyone to stay till now. I wish you loved me like I love you. I wish I hadn’t grown so attached, wish I hadn’t fallen so deeply into love with you. I wish it wasn’t my fault that we broke up. I wish I wasn’t so fucking scared. I wish I was fearless. Wish I could rise into love bravely. I wish I was brave when it came to you. I keep telling myself it was me. It was me not you. You didn’t love me anymore. You don’t love me anymore and you’re just too nice to say that. So you told me in the only way I could handle. Except you hadn’t used the words you should have. You got bored. We both know it’s true. You were bored of it, and I don’t blame you. I know we’ll never talk again, and part of me is so glad. Another part of me forces myself to read through all our messages though. I wish I could just tell you one last time. I love you.

You sighed saving it before closing out of it. Tears you hadn’t known were falling finally became known to you as they streamed down your cheeks. Your eyes puffy as you wet your lips, the salt of them coating your tongue. You were bitter and so were your tears. I briefly wondered what he was doing right now. Probably playing a video game. You knew his schedule all to well by now. Probably testing out a new game for his stream.

A new set of fresh tears fell as you remembered how you used to call him right before he went on. Being lulled to sleep by his occasionally curses and the clicking oh his controller or his keyboard.

You never expected things to end this way. You really thought he was the last one. Yes it had only been four months, but the way he made you feel. The way that it had felt. It had felt final, and you’d been friends before you even started dating.

You sniffle moving yourself to the kitchen to poor yourself a glass of water as you remembered how nervous you were when you first texted him. You had acumulated quite the crush on him back in high school. As Inarazaki’s manager you were required to go to the games, and even after your team lost you had stuck around. Watched him play and cheered him on. Two weeks later you had begun to text, as friends of course. It wasn’t until four months ago that you’d gotten together.

Your anniversary was only two days prior to your break up. You both had never been one to even care about that stuff. You had agreed early on in the relationship that we wouldn’t do anything due to the distance, and the business of our schedules. You were never one for remembering things like anniversaries anyways.

He really did feel like the one. Sometimes you just know. Sometimes you can just feel it. Like, you know that feeling you get when you know something is off or you know for sure something is about to happen even without being told it’s going to. That’s what it felt like to be with kozume kenma.

You thought you knew, you thought this time, this time its for real. You thought it was finally safe to say, that he was the one. You both had even admitted to looking for each others initials in those stupid soulmate tik tok videos.

You were finally in a mature relationship with someone you could talk about anything to. You had gotten so caught up in it, that you didn’t even see the end creeping up on you.

↝

You’d finally gained the courage to text him again. Unfortunately it was in a drunken daze. Your hands shaking as you fumbled with your phone typing things you’d come to regret in the morning. You’d sent him a series of texts telling him how much you missed him, how you didn’t understand how he was so okay. You had been a wreck that night. One of your friends puking in her toilet as you cried. You were happy of course that he was doing so well, but you’d been a wreck for so long and he hadn’t even changed. You told him you wished you could be okay.

When you’d awoken the next morning hair knotted in a complete mess and wiping drool from your chin your heart had sunk even lower. His response was cold. You knew that kenma could be cold. You knew that it was just who he was, but this particular text had felt so unfeeling and unfamiliar, it was as if he hadn’t even sent it himself. He had only ever talked like this to you once and that was when you first became friends all those years ago.

Kozume ❤️

Hey, it’s okay. And yeah you see what I choose to put up. I could be better. But I choose to stay optimistic and busy. Sorry that things are this way.

You had never seen so many periods in a text before. He only used grammar like that when he was peeved, and maybe you were wrong, maybe he’d done that on purpose, but it had hurt so bad. It had caused an ache so deep in your chest that you weren’t sure if you’d ever even dated him at all.

Yeah.

It was the only thing you could bring yourself to respond back with. How were you supposed to respond to that? You’d stared at it for so long and after you’d sent it you wished you had said more. Wished you would’ve said something more insightful than a simple, heartbroken, “yeah.”

Not too long later there was another ping and you held your breath. His name briefly appearing across your screen.

Yeah. I could be better. But I hope you do well soon. I’m sorry that I can’t really do much to help out

And of course you did the only thing you could do. Deflect. Pretend like you hadn’t said what you’d said not even fourteen hours ago.

No it’s fine. I’m fine. You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry that you could be doing better.

He left you on seen. You knew you sounded like an asshole. At least to you, you felt like an asshole. Why couldn’t you have come up with something else. Why couldn’t you tell him the truth. Tell him how you felt. Tell him that you didn’t think you should be broken up anymore. That the month long cruel joke was over and you were ready to spend your nights falling asleep to him playing video games again. You didn’t though, and you never would. You’re not brave enough, too prideful to even try.

You swallowed down the bile rising in your throat as you realized even if you did beg him. Begged him to take you back. Tell him that you still love him. You were too late, and you just couldn’t be selfish when it comes to him. He is over you and it was so plainly obvious. You know that deep down. Know that he’s moved on, and it kills you inside. So you did the only thing you could do. Try and put it into words.

So as you lay in bed the warm body you let occupy your space sound asleep beside you, his toned blonde hair tousled slightly and you sighed. Finally away from the shenanigans of your friends you took a deep breath before you closed your eyes.

You opened up your notes app again and scrolled past the last entry. You swallowed again as you blinked the tears out of your eyes. Your thumbs beginning to move before you even gave them permission.

Wednesday June 30th 2022 1:39 Am

Here I am again. Stuck. Stuck in the same place I’ve been for so long. You know, I write so beautifully when I’m broken. I’m most of my best work is written when I’m being torn apart. But I just, I can’t seem to find the words. I can’t seem to put it into a document and turn out little story into a different story to cope. Can’t seem to write it out. Can’t seem to move on.

I hovered over the unfollow button on your page today, to keep myself from scrolling through your things again. To keep myself from getting hurt. So I don’t have to be reminded. I want to delete it. Delete where we officially met. On a chat through my screen. I wanna wipe the messages clean. And I’ve tried. Oh how I’ve tried. But I can’t.

I want to delete our conversations. The hours long talks we had, but then, what happens afterwards? What keeps the memories alive. I’d never been so in love with someone before. I’ve never actually…. Been in love before. I thought I’d been in love, but it didn’t feel like that, and losing them never hurt like this. Losing someone has never hurt this bad before.

I’ve never felt the emptiness you left so deep in my very being with anyone I’ve ever met before. I can’t seem to pull myself together. And it’s pathetic I know. It’s pathetic that I’m still here. In the same place I was a month ago. It’s about to be two months we’ve haven’t been together. I’m hurting. Hurting so bad. It’s painful to look at you.

I haven’t deleted the photos even though I probably should. They’re still tucked away in an album in my camera roll labeled “us <3” the one one I made specially just for you. The way I’d been so excited when I was finally ready to tell my friends. I even have this stupid notes folder from when we were dating where I wrote all the little things about you that I never wanted to forget. I find you so endearing. Everything you do. I just couldn’t help but right it down to keep it safe so it never leaves my mind. So that I never forget. But now, forgetting is all I want to do.

I never thought there’d be a time in my life where I was more emotionally stunted that I normally. So stunted I can’t even put this, our split up, into words. Make it something entertaining for somebody else to read. Write a book about it. My publicist keeps asking when the sequel for my book will be done. I don’t know if it’ll ever be finished. I can’t do the one thing I’ve always been good at. I’m crying as I write this.

And I wish it would just end here in this little notes app. Wish the love would die in here. I always think I’m over you and then I see you again, and nowadays your everywhere. A very big hit and I’m happy for you and your success, but seeing you makes my heart squeeze in my chest.

I think I’m over you until I play that stupid fucking game that causes me to scream at my phone, or my laptop in frustration, but I just can’t seem to delete it because I know it’s something that you love. That show we used to talk about. I know you know which one, I can’t seem to watch it without thinking of what was. You’ve ruined it forever cause now it only reminds me of you. I know you’ll never see this, but I like to imagine you can. That my time for closure has somehow come.

When you told me you were sorry that things were this way, it was a real slap in the face. It stopped my false hope. My wishing. It all came to a halt. I’m glad. Glad that you’re happier. That you’re better without me. But god, now I’m so fucked up and I can’t even talk to you.

You were the only person I had left. The only one who understood me. And now you’re gone. You took a part of me with you that night. A part that I’ll never get back. I should’ve known that you would leave. I’ve never been able to get someone to stay for longer than three to four months.

I thought I could let my guard down though. I thought we were in the clear. I’d thought finally. Finally someone is gonna stay. I thought you were my person. I still think that to this day. I thought we were gonna make it. And now I’m with this guy I don’t even like. He’s not you, he doesn’t act like you. He doesn’t like video games like you do.

He doesn’t talk to me like you do. Like you did. But you know how it ended I don’t need to put it here. Unfortunately I’ll always love you even if you don’t love me. This is so scattered, I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy.

With that you closed the app and put down your phone. Plugging in it and as it dinged miya atsumu rolled over in his sleep. He reached for you his hands wrapping around your waist to tug you against his strong body.

His gravely voice whispering through sleep, “mmm finally decided to come to bed?” You hum moving an arm under on of his to wrap around his thin waist. “Mhm, thought you might need the company.” You began to draw little shapes and letters against his back as he chuckled, “oh yea? How thoughtful of you princess.”

Suddenly it was quiet and your closed eyes opened to his wide brown ones, his eyebrows furrowing .

“Did you just spell kozume on my back?”

[narrators-journal]

Moonlight

warning: Light depictions of violence, Aku really admires Atsushi’s tiger (idk if it comes off as super sexual, so idk might be a bit monster-fucker-y) Nothing sexual or vulgar, just him being super into watching Atsushi kill.

edit: Had to fix some glaring formatting issues, also just editted some of the choppier bits of the text :D

Akutagawa had no clue why he was out looking for a pissy tiger gijinka at 10 pm, but he was. He wasn't super thrilled about it, to say the least. However, Dazai had called and explained that Atsushi had apparently had an awful day at work or something and then changed into a weretiger in the evening, and the bandaged ADA agent wasn't sure if that was intentional or because of the full moon, so it was now up to Aku to go find the weretiger and bring him back to his apartment before he could cause any trouble.

Any good mafia member would've told the traitorous sociopath to go fuck himself with a cactus, but some weird urge had led the goth to agree to return Atsushi home for his old mentor. Had him receiving the crybaby's address from his mentor and heading out into the darkness.

It wasn't that he still wanted acknowledgment, he'd gotten his praise and acknowledgment a few weeks before. So while he still highly respected Dazai, he wasn't out clicking his tongue into alleyways and lifting himself onto rooftops at such a late hour for his praise. It definitely wasn't out of concern for Jinko, he could care less if the brainless house cat got hit by a car or stuck up a telephone pole. No, what had Akutagawa out near the hellish docks was a lingering sense of curiosity. He couldn't exactly place what he was curious about that exact moment, but he was intrigued. So, he poked around until he finally spotted a familiar flick of white and black disappearing around the corner in the slums.

When he spotted the first signs of Atsushi, Akutagawa dropped to a crouch and crept forward until he could look around the wall to see a dimly glowing white tiger nosing through a trash bag he seemed interested in. With him distracted, Aku took the chance to move towards him, bringing Rashoumon to life once he was close enough. Either the energy or the light near-instantly drew the predator's eye, but either way, he was now staring into the golden eyes of Atsushi Nakajima, or, more so, his tiger.

In that dangerous, uneasy situation, it finally clicked. He'd wanted to see this. Atsushi's full tiger form. That's why he'd agreed to go hunting for him upon Dazai's request. Not only that but staring into those predatory eyes brought a new sensation through his body. Awe.

        "Jinko," He said, doing his best to sound calm while he internally battled a storm of fear, awe, and honest wonder. "Can you understand me?" He asked it nonchalantly, his grey eyes just staying glued to the tiger's golden gaze as he circled to face the vampire of a man properly. With no answer, obviously, Aku took a deep breath to steel his nerves before trying to reason with the creature again, "Listen, I know we don't get along, you annoy the shit out of me, I'm sure you dislike me just as much. But, Dazai sent me to try and return you home, so can you please cooperate?" He asked, but the answer he got was a pretty huffy tail lash and the creature walking past him and across the street to dig through more trash. And for a moment, Akutagawa was nearly mesmerized, forgetting what he was going to say. The hunter's movements revealed the powerful muscles just beneath its snowy, striped fur, it knocked home just how dangerous this car-sized cat could be. He hasn't attacked me though, the mafioso realized, normally Jinko would maul me on sight, but his tiger isn't. Not even a growl. The realization almost made a sense of honor well up in his chest as he followed the giant cat to the next bag of garbage he seemed intent on investigating.

For a bit, the goth trailed after the large predator, his original task abandoned, mesmerized by the sight of it moving so quietly despite its lethal claws and hulking, muscular form. However, his observations were interrupted when a realization hit him like a brick to the face, Of course! He's hungry! No wonder he's been digging through stray garbage bags and whatnot, he's probably looking for meat! He slapped his hand over his face at how obvious that had been, then, he whistled to the massive feline, coughing a few times before he spoke again,           "Would you like to actually hunt, Jinko?" The snowy ears of the creature perked at the mention of hunting, perhaps he can understand me to some extent, the thought was swiftly shelved for later though, he had mentioned hunting, he had no time to ponder how conscious his nemesis was as a likely impatient and hungry tiger. "If you follow me, I can take you to someone you can hunt," he offered, once again looking into the yellow eyes of the beast, almost able to see him contemplating his offer before he suddenly moved forward.

Akutagawa's first thought was that the car-sized feline was going to eat him instead, but no. In reality, Atsushi simply headbutted him in the chest, sending him sliding on his back across the pavement, coughing and wheezing from the air leaving his weak lungs so suddenly.             "J-Jinko!" he snapped between coughs, glowing red in his annoyance, but instead of being even slightly intimidated or on-edge from the show of hostility, Atsushi just continued to headbutt or nose him, pushing him along the pavement until the choking mafioso finally managed to put his hand on the cat's striped, moon-silver forehead, Holy shit, you're so soft, and shove him back enough to let him get back to his feet. "What are you doing Jinko? Don't nuzzle up to me just because I offered you food, dumbass!" he snarled, keeping his pale hand on the cat's head as he glared at him.

The two stood there for a moment, Akutagawa's glow intensifying when Atsushi pushed against his hand and made him step back to avoid tumbling over again, all the while the choppy-haired vampire was trying to decipher what the weretiger might be doing this for. It's not likely that he wishes to eat me. If he did, he would've pounced as soon as I was on the ground...That also means he's not looking for a fight. Could it be his way of thanking me for offering to take him to hunt? Is he just trying to NUZZLE me?? His cheeks heated like stovetop burners at the thought of the elegant predator showing him, his most hated rival, affection of all things. He could handle the tiger trying to maul him, half expected it honestly, but he didn't know how to feel about Atsushi nuzzling up to him as a thank you or otherwise.

It was only when he gave another attempt at a nudge that Akutagawa got the message at long last.           "Oh! You're wanting me to take you there!" He rolled his dark gray eyes at that and pushed himself away from the weretiger, turning around with a huff and starting to lead the way. This also gave his pale cheeks the time to return to normal in the cool night air, though his heart couldn't seem to stay at a steady, calm pace. It kept jumping and thumping unpredictably with the excitement of maybe seeing Atsushi on a proper hunt.

It was sure to be a fascinating sight, to see the massive feline crouched, creeping up on an unsuspecting victim, to see his muscles bunch with so much power just before lunging at the prey. He was excited at the thought of seeing the weretiger's lethal talons tear into a person, and his jaws crunch down mercilessly on his victim's bones. The sheer power of it. The fact that he had fought someone who could tap into that primal potential. He'd looked into such an animal's eyes, he'd seen the human intelligence mingling seamlessly with the animalistic cunning. Atsushi's razor-sharp fangs had been mere inches from such a vital part of his body, and yet he'd done no malicious harm. No, not a scratch. Aku couldn't place the feeling of awe and nebulous adrenaline-pumping thrill he got from it. From being so close to a beast who could end him without hesitation or issue, and yet he hadn't. All of that strength was so beautifully control-

The goth's thoughts were interrupted by another headbutt, this time to his spine, sending him sprawling onto the pavement with an indignant squawk.           "Jinko! Wha- Are you trying to get me to speed up, or fucking kill me?!" He snapped, scrambling to his feet with a small cough and a tidal wave of humiliation for the noise he'd made on his way down, but his only response was another nudge from the beast, one he swatted away. "Oh no! I am not jogging or running ahead of you! Quit acting like an impatient toddler," he scolded, dusting himself off while the tiger huffed like said impatient toddler.

With his own grumpy huff, he continued, leading Atsushi out of the slums and into the nicer parts of town. It wasn't the rich end of Yokohama, where the homes were capped with long driveways and wrought-iron fences or had names for addresses, but it wasn't the slums. The neighborhood they ended up in, while sparse of people on the sidewalk and road, thrummed with life within the safety of the nightclubs and bars that were scattered about. It was somewhere near the outskirts of town without being too far, around there Akutagawa would find the mafia's casino and the one rival casino whose owner was as equally a customer of the mafia as much as a rival.           "Alright, you stay here for a moment. I've got to go find your food. Don't worry, they aren't good, innocent people, so you shouldn't feel a lick of shame for eating them." He promised Atsushi, now standing a few buildings down in a wide alleyway from the rival casino. "You eat the men in suits to your heart's content, in return, I'll destroy the street security cameras." The creature made a noise he assumed was agreement, so he left him in the alleyway and began prowling the street, taking out cameras as he went until he'd not only left the whole street defenseless but also found the owner of the second gambling hall.

Once he'd located the man and his goons relaxing at an outside table, smoking and drinking their booze in front of the closed shop, he used a ribbon of his coat to slither over and knick the owner with the sharpened cloth, slipping away before he realized it was more than a simple bug bite or accidental scratch. With the fresh blood now on his coat, he slunk back to Atsushi, letting the striped hunter sniff the strip of cloth thoroughly before he hoisted himself onto the roof with Rashoumon.

From his vantage point on the rooftops, the wheezy goth could follow the weretiger as he prowled down the street, following the scent of blood until he too spotted the prey at the cafe table and fell into a hunter's crouch. The goth repressed his coughing and wheezing as much as possible, paused with the cat, his grey eyes fixated on the silent animal as he inched closer to the men.

It amazed Aku that neither the owner nor his goons noticed the rabbit-soft white-and-black fur of the weretiger, part of him wanted them to spot the beast before he pounced, just so he could watch them run and panic and really see Atsushi chase down his prey. Sadly, by the time the small group had finally realized they were being stalked, it was too late. Atsushi was already on them, tearing them apart, his powerful jaws turning their muscles to pulled pork in seconds, his talons tearing into them like a hot knife through butter. They tried to run, but they didn't get far before each one was picked off with one swipe of the dark claws, or powerful jaws of the predator.

Akutagawa watched the scene from the safety of the rooftop, his heart racing with excitement, his breath quickening as he grinned like a lunatic. Not even his subsequent coughing fit could ruin the absolute thrill that zipped through his blood at the sight of such a gorgeous, efficient predator crunching on bones like they were nothing, his white fur now stained a lovely shade of red. It took a moment for him to come back from that high and realize that his lightheadedness and shortness of breath had gone from pure elation to an issue, so he had to swiftly fish his inhaler out of his pocket and pull from it, hoping it was enough to open his airways so he would avoid the hospital. He was not keen on having to explain to a doctor what exactly had gotten him so hyper.

Thankfully for the pale mafioso, his inhaler worked. So, after a moment to catch his breath and regain his composure, he brought Rashoumon to life and used it to lower himself down to the pavement again, a safe distance from Atsushi, who was contently tearing the mafia's rivals apart and devouring their flesh. With one final calming breath, he slowly walked over to the beast, not getting a glance as he approached until he was beside the car-sized feline while he chomped at a bone until it splintered.

Once he was sure Atsushi wasn't interested in him, Akutagawa crouched down and gently, tentatively put a hand against his side, feeling the soft, silky, striped fur and perfectly honed muscles just beneath his pale fingertips.          "I can see why Dazai chose you...over me..." he muttered quietly, his eyes glued to the tiger's mouth, admiring his fangs as they worked at the bones and meat of the casino owner, "You are far beyond my power level. So much more controlled, so much stronger, so much more capable than I'll ever be." It hurt to voice these shameful realizations, but for some reason, Aku felt like he wouldn't be judged by the beast, even if it did understand his words, it wouldn't shame him for his admitting to his faults.

So, he just sat beside the tiger, running his hand over the beast's side, shoulder, even along its back, from snout to as far as he could reach behind him. Just taking everything about him in. The car-sized feline didn't seem to care at all, unbothered by the admiring pets, or when Aku grabbed his back paw to flex his toes and unsheath his talons. Some part of the mafioso still reminded him, He could still eat you next, but it did nothing to dissuade the child-like curiosity that fuelled his exploration of every deadly part of the animal, from tracing his muscles, to bringing out his bloodied talons, all while Atsushi ate his fill of his prey until nothing remained save for their shredded clothing.

The pale man simply gathered those up and ran a hand through his chopped up hair,             "I guess I should take you back to your apartment now before dawn comes." he mused, judging that they had about an hour or two before the sun rose and Atsushi likely changed back to his more pathetic, weak form. Aku looked at the weretiger, watching as the beast licked his chops and shook himself off, then turned with a sigh to head to the address Dazai had given him. Atsushi followed without complaint, padding alongside the goth, much more content, it seemed.

Once Atsushi was safely back in his own home, and the clothing was burnt and disposed of, Aku went home to his personal apartment, flopping onto the bed with a half groan, half sigh. Now that he wasn't running on thrills and curiosity, he was exhausted. His only thought before passing out was Never telling anyone of this.

[unstoppableforcce]

ghosts

—CHAPTER THREE: happy

pairing: Javier Peña x f! reader

previous part | next part | masterlist 

a/n: okay wow, this was at 3k when I promised it two weeks ago and now it’s 5.7k. just a slight continuity warning: this whole series is kind of a ‘fuck you’ to the narcos timeline bc I can’t remember when they were in Medellin or when Connie left and came back all relative to everything happening with Carrillo so don’t hate me, I’m going to make it work out I think

also just a general thought -- to everyone who responded so well to the last two parts, your enthusiasm is what made me get this part done and edited, tell your fav authors you love them whenever you get the chance ! it makes a difference :)))

The day had been sort of a daze. 

By the time the sun had set gently behind the horizon, muting the sunlit sky into hues of lavender, you were already a few drinks deep, laying back on the front steps of the complex. Time was passing, the seconds turning to minutes, turning to hours, playing out so beautifully in the sky overhead with clouds and colors floating, changing with every breath, and you weren’t moving. You just couldn’t find the energy. 

Not to take a picture, not to flip through the diligently kept journal in your lap, not to do a damn thing but drink. It wasn’t a solution but at this point, it didn’t seem like it could do any more damage. 

The lavender grew darker. The soft orange of the streetlamps ignited up and down the length of the barely busy street. Windows that had previously welcomed the temperate afternoon breeze shut to the aching chill that blew in with the gradual fall of the blanket of dusk over the city. Glasses and bottles clinked with a cheer of ‘salud’ in the small restaurant down the street, couple’s arguments behind closed doors leaking into the street, the roar of a motorcycle’s engine being cut short as the chastising slap of a mother knocked the poor boy in the adjacent alley out of his confident bluff. All the little things. 

It was always the little things. 

He wasn’t afraid to hold your hand in public. As quiet and private as he was, lacing his fingers into yours as the two of you fell into step alongside each other, up the sidewalk heading home from a mindless day at each other’s side, was one of the easiest things for him to do. It was honestly effortless, or at least, he made it seem like it was, grabbing a hold of you without second thought, not paying your linked hands a glance, not even mentioning it. 

He remembered the things you mentioned, no matter how innocuous. Most of the time, the thought had already left your mind by the time he brought it back up again, but he remembered. He always remembered. You’d curse in the bathroom, head ringing with a splitting headache which only got worse when you opened the mirrored cabinet to find an empty bottle of aspirin, then he’d come from work with a fresh bottle packed into the small bodega bag along with his newest pack of cigarettes. You’d stumble in, exhausted from a day of torturous hiking to get to the best views, and mention briefly in your recounting of the day that you couldn’t stand cleaning the mud out of ridged soles of your boots. You wouldn’t even remember saying it by the time the sunlight found its way in through the bedroom window, but when you made your way into the kitchen, following the sweet smell of the coffee he had made before he left for work, you’d find your boots sat right next to the door, cleaned. Not well, but the mud was gone.  He wouldn’t even mention having done it. 

He wasn’t much for cooking, but Javi wasn’t lost around the kitchen and, when it came to you at least, he had no trouble following orders. He’d cut every onion if it meant he didn’t have to watch you fight back tears you just couldn’t control, he’d carefully tend to whatever you had sizzling on the stove when you stepped away, refusing to look away for even a second if he feared it was going to burn. And in between every vegetable he was tasked with slicing or between trips to the sink to scrub at the dishes while the food cooked, he’d find a way to touch you. A kiss on the back of your neck, on your head, on your lips if he could distract you for long enough without getting too carried away… A hand in your back pocket, or an arm wrapped around your waist, sometimes even his whole body cradling you carefully from behind, as close as he could hold you without impeding your work. Sometimes he’d whisper something sweet in your ear, sometimes he’d tease you and earn himself a smack with the towel as he pulled away, sometimes it was as easy as just talking about your days. 

It was the little things. When he could so easily confess his overwhelming love for you and still leave for work in the same minute, it became the little things you missed the most. 

The bottle in your hand had been emptied at some point, by you assumingly, but you couldn’t even remember bringing it to your lips as you lost yourself deep in thought. That made it the fourth of the six-pack you had gone through, and you had absolutely no hesitations about pulling out the fifth as you leaned back onto the concrete steps, relaxing further into your discomfort. 

A sigh rattled out from your chest, dissipating into the cool air your loose cardigan barely protected you from. Could you even pinpoint the moment it had gotten bad? Was there a day when the little things had just stopped or was it a steady, haunting decline once the nightmares started and he stopped talking to you?

When was the last time you had even cooked a meal? When was the last time he had held you so simply? When was the last time this made any sense?

“Did I miss the party?”

Steve always made sense. 

He was a friend, maybe one of the only ones you really had. 

Pulling your stare from the gradually darkening sky overhead, your attention quickly gravitated to the source of the familiar drawl accompanied by the slam of his car door. You may have been having a bit of a day, trapped in your feelings and drinking until you forgot about the restraining walls around you, but he looked exhausted. He hadn’t exactly been lively when he greeted you at the door that moment, but at least he had looked like he was alive. As your eyes scanned over the length of his rough form, you’d argue that his being alive was moderately debatable at the moment. 

And he was alone. He certainly hadn’t been alone when he left this morning, you knew that for damn sure. 

“Where is he--”

He raised his hand as he moved to grab his bag from the backseat, cutting your worry off before it could bloom too looming in your chest. “He had a later meeting than me, he’ll take a cab.”

A part of you couldn’t help but wonder if he took the meeting purposefully. If it was payback... you couldn’t exactly say you didn’t deserve given the number of nights you had kept him up waiting for your return. 

Steve didn’t even shut the car door before you had the mouth of the bottle pressed to your lips again. 

“Jesus, honey…” the sigh broke out under his breath, muffled into his chest as he turned away from you, shaking his head, but you could still hear it. Spare all the little things, it was a quiet street. But that didn’t mean it was going to stop you, you just took another swig and laid back down against the uncomfortable stairs. 

With his bag hanging heavy over his shoulder, looking like a particularly strong gust of wind could topple him over in a second, he made his way up the first few stairs before collapsing to a position similar to yours. And when you didn’t protest to his hand reaching towards the nearly empty cardboard sixpack, he joined you in that respect too, popping the cap off with the opener you had haphazardly tossed aside and downing a hearty swig. 

“Fuck… what is this shit?” He cursed, wiping over his mustache with the back of his hand. 

You shrugged, keeping your eyes on the sky as it shifted deeper into its darkest shade of purple night. “I don’t know, we never drink it, it was in the back of the fridge… it gets better after a few.”

“It’d almost have to.” 

Steve was a good man. A good friend. You really didn’t have too many of those. 

God… what he must have thought of you when the two of you first met, you almost laughed at the thought of it. 

Younger than Javier, pretty, leaving his apartment before work in the morning, the sun barely up above the horizon, clearly wearing clothes you had been wearing the night before… it's not like you could blame him for his assumption as he flushed bright red, so embarrassed to be caught standing in his own hallway. 

“Ma’am.” He had nodded, plagued by an inability to meet your eye. 

“Sir.” You had quickly shot back with, mocking his unconscious drawl as you worked to stifle a laugh. 

By the time he saw you next, it was clear Javi had told him you weren’t what he had so easily assumed you to be. He had apologized, introduced himself again nervously after Javi had already made official introductions, and stuttered his way through a rough attempt at explaining himself which he quickly realized could only end in explaining Javier’s affinity for working girls to you. Given that Javi had already been open with you in that respect, you didn’t even bother holding back your laughter watching the blonde try to backtrack his way out of the entire interaction. Once he could finally meet your eye with his, the two of you had become easy friends. 

With all the traveling you did, the majority of the people you considered friends left your mind the second you boarded a plane or drove across a border. If you were back in a familiar city, you wouldn’t hesitate to call one of them up for a couch to crash on for a few nights or a friend to spend a few days exploring with, but they didn’t keep in touch really. You really didn’t get very many holiday cards. 

You didn’t get any. 

Hell, it wasn’t like you kept a steady address to receive them at anyways. There was your apartment back home which you rented out for the majority of the year and the storage locker you kept with the majority of your things, but your life wasn’t permanent like that. Before Colombia, spending more than a few months in any one place was unheard of for you. 

Now you couldn’t leave. You didn’t want to leave. 

Things were good, they used to be really good, was it so wrong to want to hold on to that for as long as you could?

To hold onto Javi, the man you truly did love more than you ever even thought yourself capable of...To hold on to maybe one of the first real friendships you had made since you started your travelling career... To hold on to this life you built for yourself without even realizing that was what you were doing...

You didn’t want to end up in a hostel in Brazil with nothing but the memory of what it was like to have a life that didn’t exist on the move. 

Steve glanced back over his shoulder as he heard you rustling in your movements, pulling your camera out of the bag you had brought out with you. If you were going to end up anywhere, you be damned if you didn’t have at least the pictures to look back on.

“Yeah?” He quirked his brow in your direction as you settled in for an angle on him. 

“Just, stay there.”

His hands lifted like he had a defense ready to go, but eventually his shoulders relaxed in agreement, doing as he was told while you framed him up. The light caught him in an ominous orange glow, creeping up on him from the side where the street lamp stood towering and tall, casting a dangerous array of shadows against every edge and bend of his face. Each shadow was a year of his life, and the longer he posed, the older he looked, exhaustion weighing down heavy on his frowning disposition. But he still offered something of a smile as you snapped the picture. Not a full grin, nowhere near it, but the edges of his mustache curled ever so slightly. Just enough.

“It was just good lighting…” you defended yourself, but you knew you didn’t need to. He didn’t mind it. 

Maybe at first, his head still stuck in the job when he stopped you from capturing a quick still of him and Connie while out to dinner one night, but he got over it as he watched Javi accept it so easily. He learned to trust you, it wasn’t immediate, but looking back now, you were hard-pressed to remember what it was like before, the two of you such easy friends. 

Steve was a good man. A good friend. 

“You get my good side?” He quirked his brow, face souring as he took another sip.

As a solemn laugh broke through your chest, you easily nodded. “Always.”

“Good. That’s all that matters ‘far as I’m concerned.”

It had been a while since the two of you had sat together like this. Not drunk, but just together. Javi hadn’t just been cold with you, it had been weeks, maybe even months since the four of you had done a dinner or gotten drinks after work together. You saw Connie in the building, even visited her at the clinic on occasion, but Steve was Javi’s partner. If he didn’t want to see him, it was hard for you to find an excuse to. 

You missed him. You missed both of them.

“Do you know when he’ll be home… a rough estimate at least?” As easily as your lazy day had passed, it was only getting colder and colder and you were far from equipped to fight it, even with the warmth the alcohol was offering you. 

Steve shrugged this time, leaning back until his elbows rested on the step you sat on. “I don’t know, didn’t look like it’d be long but he told me to go without him…”

Clearly you weren’t the only one he was avoiding. 

“I’m sorry about all of this, Darling, I know it ain’t my place but if there’s anything I can do to help… shit, I don’t know, if you want me to try knocking some sense into him maybe--”

It was a genuine offer, even if the words alluded to something of a joke, you knew he meant it. It just didn’t matter. 

“This is our mess, Steve…” You waved your hand, trying to be as casual in your dismissal as possible but Steve was good at his job, he could catch the slight tremble in your hand from a mile away. 

“I know… I just hate seeing the two of you like this…” he shook his head, downing another hefty swig. “You two are so good together, you know, before all this, he was so happy…”

You pulled your stare up from your lap, catching his eye and urging him on. 

“I ain’t ever seen him happy like that, hell, I don’t think I had ever really seen him happy before you.”

That wasn’t the first time you had heard that. 

Connie had said it a few times, not meaning it in any way that would add to the invisible weight on your shoulders, but it always had. “He just used to be so… I don’t know, just so sad,” she would say as the two of you sipped at your wine, passing the hours of their trip to Medellin. “He’s a good man, he would just never smile like he does now with you.”

His father even remarked on it one night. 

Javi had taken the call while you made dinner, not trying to keep the conversation from you, but walking just far enough away for you to only catch every other sentence. His father would mock the way it sounded like he was smiling into the receiver, then Javi would look back over his shoulder, catch your gaze, and smile even brighter as he assured his dad that he had “no idea what you’re talking about.”

You didn’t want to leave him. You wanted to be the reason he was happy, he just had to let you…

“Shit, Darling, I didn’t mean to…” Steve cursed as he watched you struggle to keep yourself afloat in your own thoughts. “You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do, he’s a grown man, you aren’t responsible for him like that, I didn’t mean that.”

“No, I know.” You didn’t have to, you just wanted to. 

“I just think that the two of you are good for each other, that’s all.”

You thought so too. 

It might have been the first time you had admitted it to yourself since you had gotten to Colombia, but you liked having a place to call home at night. You liked having someone to share a bed with, a constant, a partner, for lack of a better term. Javier wasn’t exactly boyfriend material, but it wasn’t like either of you had been planning on going anywhere any time soon, nor were either of you even considering anyone else. Even when you got the call about Brazil, your first thought was him. 

Not moving to the next place, finding your next scenery, your next career contract, none of that. Just him. 

You wanted to be here. You wanted to be with him. God, why couldn’t it just be that simple?

The car door slammed and you practically jumped in your skin, Steve doing the same at your side. Apparently Steve was right, it wasn’t too long after him at all.

Javier looked tired. More than Steve, more than even you felt. He was a good man, he didn’t deserve to be that tired, none of you did. 

He was slow with every step he took back once the cab pulled away, the exhaustion of the day pulling him down, collapsing him in on himself further and further until he made it to the base of the stairs. A spectre, a shadow, a ghost. He wasn’t the man you fell in love with, he was just a shell, and you wanted him back. You needed him back. 

Staring at photographs and living vicariously through the you of the past couldn’t sustain you for much longer. You needed him back. 

And if you didn’t get him back soon, as much as it hurt to even consider it, Brazil wasn’t looking so bad. 

“Connie is probably waiting up for me with a cold dinner, I should head in…” Steve took one last swig of the bottle, still cringing at the taste before setting it aside the mess of bottles you had already left. “My offer is still on the table by the way, Darling.”

As if any hit would be hard enough to actually knock any sense into him. 

Still, you offered back a genuine smile as you sighed out, “Thanks, Steve…”

He gave your shoulder a gentle squeeze and retreated back up the stairs to fight with the rusted outer door that never seemed to want to cooperate, leaving just the two of you alone on the quiet concrete stairs. 

There were a million things he could have said to you, a million things that you needed to hear, not just in that moment, but in general. That he wanted you there with him, that he was sorry, that he wanted to talk to you and he wanted to let you in, he wanted to do this for a much longer run of things, much longer than he had ever thought himself capable of even imagining before you came along...

That was just a little too much to expect from him after the day he had though. 

“What offer is that?” 

You couldn’t help the drunken chuckle that broke from your chest, nor the levels of sarcasm which followed it, dripping from your beer-coated lips. “He wants to run away together… leave you and Connie behind for a quiet life back in the States.”

“You wouldn’t get bored?” Javi challenged, not even bothering with a tone of sarcasm, just dropping the words in a pure deadpan. You couldn’t help but laugh again. 

“I hear wedding photography is all the rage nowadays.”

It didn’t matter if it felt like the weight of everything he had ever done wrong was settling on his shoulders, compressing his spine and collapsing him from the inside out. It didn’t even matter that he hadn’t gotten a full night’s sleep in months, it didn’t even matter that he felt worse than he ever had before. The mere thought, as brief as it was, of you subjected to a life of such dull mediocracy, wasting your immeasurable talent and perfect eye on something as mundane and irrelevant as stupid wedding photography, was enough to bring a smile to his face. It wasn’t much of one, but it was a smile, curling up at the corners of his mouth in a way you hadn’t seen in far too long. 

And all it took was one stupid joke. 

Maybe he wasn’t as far away as he seemed...

“God, now I feel like maybe I’m holding you back from your true calling… big white dresses and aggressive older women trying to tell you how to get the best shot.” A laugh escaped his chest as his deadpan sarcasm became too much for even his seemingly unbreakable stone cold disposition, an actual laugh. 

Something fluttered in your chest at the sound of it, maybe hope, maybe something else, but it was certainly something. Something you hadn’t felt in far too long. 

“Think I’d be any good at it?”

He shrugged, reaching his hand up to smooth down the corners of his mustache as a true smile threatened to pull at the corners of his solemn lips. “Didn’t you spend half a year hiking through war-ravaged Cambodia?”

“Yeah...”

Another pitiful laugh broke from his collapsing chest. “I wouldn’t bet against you.”

Scratching at the edge of your collarbone beneath the worn edges of your favorite cardigan, another flutter of something struck your chest with just enough force to leave you close to breathless. This easy banter, this quick and mindless volley back and forth was one of the things you missed the most about him. It was one of the things you loved the most about him. 

As serious as he was, about his job and about the somewhat desolate state of the global climate and international politics, he had another side to him. This other side of him flourished under the rush of flirtation, he was at the top of his game when he was trying to seduce, and every day with you had been a constant seduction despite having won you over within minutes of having met you. Maybe he wasn’t a flowers and chocolates romantic but neither were you, having his constant attention, his constant effort, his constant admiration and respect... that mattered so much more than the simple words of ‘I love you’. 

He wasn’t back yet, a few seconds of quick banter didn’t erase the months of chill settled deep in his bones or the look of ghostly exhaustion resting right behind his eyes, but it was a quick glimpse to what he once was, what the two of you used to be. 

All you wanted was to have that back again. 

You quirked the best smile you could muster as the heavy lull of the alcohol you had been steadily downing for most of the day settled over you, holding his stare and not letting him flinch away from it. “You might be right... but you’d have to be there with me.”

“Me? Not Steve?” He tried to be funny, you could hear it in the quirk of his tone, but ultimately, all you could hear was the insecurity of the entire situation painting the edges of his words. 

“I’d pick trekking through South-East Asia over playing dress-up in the States any day of the week and twice on Sundays...” you laughed some, dropping your eyes from him and your chin to your chest. “But those odds change if you’re in the picture...”

It doesn’t feel like you’re done talking, tension holding thick in the air between the two of you as he waits. 

“I’d go anywhere with you.” You finish, too weak to lift your stare to meet his, but still holding just enough awareness through the fog of your downed drinks to know he’s staring back at you. 

With everything he went through at work, with the tortures the haunted him when he closed his eyes, and the blood that stained his hands so crimson he thought he could never get them clean, his biggest regret still remained how much he hated what he was doing to you. 

This quick and easy wit, your smart mouth and inscrutable banter, the simple edge to your smirk and the way it cut him down to pieces... he had stolen it from you. He had robbed you blind in the middle of the night and left you nothing but an empty home and a shell of a man to sleep beside. 

It was all his fault, and he knew it, too. That made it so much worse. 

There was no blissful ignorance, no way to write this off as the mere product of the surrounding situation. It was him. All of it was him. 

And he was trying. God, he was trying. Steve could mock him all he wanted but he truly was trying, more than he had ever tried for anything in his life. He left a woman at the alter, he knew how to give up on a relationship. This wasn’t that. He was trying, he really was. 

It was just... there were only so many times he could say it just wasn’t that simple. Eventually, he’d have to explain himself. Eventually, he’d have to come to terms with things he wanted to pack away into boxes and shove into a closet to be ignored for the rest of his life. Eventually, he’d have to talk to you. 

He wanted to talk to you. 

Each and every time you pleaded to him, desperate to be let in, to help ease the monumental weight you could see pulling down on his shoulders, he wanted to talk to you. But each and every time he tried to have the conversation, his demons shouted down his better angels. 

She’ll leave you, they minded him, replaying the brutal memories over and over again in his mind. She won’t love you if she really knows what you’ve done, they mocked, rewinding the scene over and over again, making him suffer for hours watching Carrillo put the gun to the kid’s head and pull the trigger without second thought. 

She won’t love you if she knows.

He knew fear. He knew how it felt, creeping at the back of his subconscious mind when he cleared a dark room with his gun raised, level and steady. He knew how to drink it down in the face of certain danger, how to swallow it despite it’s lingering taste and move on when his work demanded it. But nothing had ever sparked a terror so violent and unshakeable as the prospect of losing you. 

Even just today, the mere mention of ‘Brazil’ in a meeting came close to sending him to a full-blown panic attack. 

He was toeing a line, a line drawn so deep in the sand that he knew not even the most violent of storms could wash it away. 

On one side, he could open up to you about everything that had happened since he shut down on himself and caged you away from it all. He could tell you the gruesome details of the blood Escobar had left painting the streets, he could tell you that Carrillo wasn’t just killed like he had mentioned but that he was blown to bits by gun fire and explosions, he could tell you about the grave he was digging himself with Los Pepes and the things he had condoned just to get the job done. He could tell you everything. Or, on the other side, he could tell you nothing more than you needed to know. He could keep you as far away from the horror that haunted him daily, from the hell he had built for himself, form the hole he had dug so deep that he knew he’d never find his way out. He could keep you clean, separate from the things he spent hours trying to wash away. 

He had spent months weigh his options, measuring the pros against the cons, wasting every ounce of brain power he had to figuring out what was best, and he had come up with nothing. 

There was no option that didn’t result in you leaving him. 

He lets you in, you see what he really is, and you pack a bag and run for the nearest border as fast as your legs can carry you. Or he keeps playing the game he’s been playing, shutting you out and suffering in silence, breaking your heart more and more each day until you have no other choice but to take the first out-of-country job offer that comes your way. 

No option worked for him. He was a selfish bastard and he didn’t want you to leave. It may have been what was best for you, getting you as far away from his deadly down spiral as possible, but he was stupid and selfish. He didn’t want you to leave. 

He was out of his mind in love with you, it just wasn’t that simple. 

His internal debate may have been the only silence on the humming Bogota street, but you didn’t need to hear it, the pain was too obvious in the creases of his face as he fell silent before you. 

“You should go to bed,” you sighed out, rubbing over your face as you began mindlessly packing up the rest of your things. “You’re dead on your feet and I’m way too drunk...” you almost laughed at yourself, but as easy as your laughter had been just minutes ago, you didn’t have it in you anymore. “We can talk more in the morning.”

“Baby, I--”

“We can talk in the morning, you should go to bed.”

Where he found the courage, he honestly couldn’t say, but before he could even realize what was happening, he took a step forward and let his words speak for themselves. “Come with me.”

Your hand dropped your camera back into your bag, alongside your journal, somewhat carelessly, your stare snapping up to his.

“Come to bed with me.”

Your voice was no more than a whisper, but you forced the sound out of your mouth despite it. “Okay.”

“Okay,” he repeated, unsure of whether or not he really believed his ears, but you had said it. 

You had meant it. 

The next few minutes passed in a bit of a blur in his mind. 

He remembered grabbing some of your empty bottles and tossing them out. He remembered following you up the stairs and into the building. He even remembered turning his key into the lock of his font door while you stood hesitantly at his side. But it wasn’t him making any of the familiar motions. Something else was carrying him through it as his mind danced along the edges of unconsciousness. 

He only found the feeling back in his fingertips as he pulled you close beneath the warm sheets, he only found his breath back in his chest as he felt the steady rise and fall of yours matching his. 

Three months of sleep deprivation came crashing down overhead and he was just a lone man, caught where he stood, as a flooding tsunami over took him. 

He was asleep in a matter of seconds. 

No nightmares, no distress. Just you and him. Holding tight to each other and finally sleeping. It was the first real sleep he had gotten in months. 

Three months, actually. 

Three months nearly to the day. 

He remembered the look on your face when you found him, a nearly unconscious, drunken mess at the kitchen table. It couldn’t have been any later than 3 in the afternoon, the apartment was too well lit from the sun still too high above the distant horizon. The look on your face... it was fear. Not just because you hadn’t expected him when you walked in, but because of what he was when you found him. 

“Javi? What’s wrong, why aren’t you in Medellin?”

He downed the rest of the glass sat in front of him, then carelessly slid it to the center of the table where the empty beer bottles and half-empty whiskey handles gave him away. 

“Javi? Are you okay? What happened?”

You rushed to his side, careful hands running over him out of genuine concern that he truly couldn’t stomach in the moment. The nausea hit him as he pushed your hands away, and if he was being honest, from that moment on, the wave of nausea just hadn’t stopped. 

“Javi, what--”

“Carrillo, he’s...” Dead still didn’t even sound like the right word. It had been two days and he still couldn’t form his lips around it yet. “He’s...”

You spared him, in that moment, your quick mind catching up to his words before he could even get them out through his choked throat. “Oh God, Javi, I’m so--”

“Don’t.”

“Baby--”

“It’s fine.” He fought, his teeth gritting around the words. “I’m fine.”

It didn’t matter how much liquor he downed, or how much you tried to comfort him, it didn’t even matter that, after weeks spent halfway across the country from you, he finally had you back in his arms and his own bed at his back. None of it mattered. He still didn’t sleep that night. 

But the next night, with the exhaustion catching up to him, he had no choice but to let sleep take him for a few hours. 

The nightmares started almost immediately. Three months and this was the first time they had stopped. 

You wrapped your arms tighter around his chest, burying your face further into his side as his arms cradled you as close to his body as he could get you. For three months, you had been desperate to be held, truly held, by the man you loved. 

And for the first time, in just as long, he wrapped his arms tight around you and tried his best. 

--

tags:  (let me know if you’d like to be tagged or untagged) @cinewhore @tiffdawg @gravegoth @xjaywritesx @leonieb @burnt-august @doodlingbreak @mistermiraclee @theocatkov @lovinglokiforever @friendscall-me-mom @lazybeeches @sesamepancakes @rogueonestan @videogamesandpoorlifechoices @paperbag33 @witchyavenger @littlevodika @hoodedbirdie @nominalnebula @seasonschange-butpeopledont @thehippiequilter @anu-simps @republicansithlord @mrschiltoncat @hnt-escape @frietiemeloen @mishasminion360 @melaniermblt @phoenixpascal @justanotherblonde23 @justrunamok​

[dangermousie]

2020 End of Year Post - cdrama edition

This is only going to cover cdramas that aired in 2020; if I had to make a post about all the cdramas I watched this year, I would still be doing it in three months...

Overall it’s been a fairly decent cdrama year (certainly better than the very lacklustre kdrama year.) It’s no miracle that 2019 was (so many excellent dramas!) but overall pretty solid.

DRAMAS WATCHED

(In order of liking from least to most as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

44 The Legend of Jing Yan - the worst cdrama I have seen this year, and possibly the worst drama of 2020, period. The hero and heroine were both uncharismatic, incapable of acting and saddled with such shrilly moronic characters, the only suspense was how they haven’t both perished long since from forgetting to breathe. Nor was anyone in the rest of the cast much better; the screenplay was written by a lower mammal and the cinematography was the best a third-rate wedding cinematographer could offer. Stay the HELL away from this one.

43 Unicorn Girl - the only unicorn about this bland yet irritating piece of pap was the fact that I was supposed to believe the leads are hockey players.

42 Autumn Cicada - I like spy stories, Allen Ren, and Republican Era settings. I can tune out Communist propaganda with the best of them. Yet, the propaganda ate the story to such a degree that there was nothing left; pre magic change Pinocchio was less wooden then this narrative.

41 You Complete Me - no you do not.

40 Skate into Love - the only positive thing I can say about this is that at least it’s better than Unicorn Girl, if for no other reason that only one of them is supposed to be a hockey player.

39 Irreplaceable Love - how do you make a story about fake siblings with a mad mother falling for each other boring? I don’t know, ask the makers of this.

38 Eternal Love Rain - I hate to rain on their parade, but these two actors cannot act, have about as much chemistry as a piece of bread, and are trapped in a story perfect for entertaining the mental abilities of the leads of Jin Yan.

37 For Married Doctoress - ummmm, you could do worse I guess. It only made me break out in mild hives. The sadistic ending did make me laugh though.

36 Dance of the Sky Empire - why you get Xu Kai and waste him in this insipid mess of a story is beyond me.

35 Love Designer - it’s inoffensive except to my sense of entertainment. There is nothing wrong with it but oh God is it bland.

34 Love a Lifetime - It felt like a lifetime watching this, but I didn’t love it. The story is incoherent, the actors have no chemistry and it’s all an epic waste of time.

33 Love is Sweet - so sweet it gave me diabetes. I like Luo Yunxi and Bai Lu, but there is literally no plot. I don’t need to sink into a plotless morass to watch pretty people engage in PG-rated make-outs. I am an adult with access to stronger stuff if I am thus inclined, though to be fair they could get x-rated and I still wouldn’t be able to sit through so many episodes of plotlessness for that.

32 Fake Princess - I love Zhao Yi Qin, but the guy needs to pick better projects. The female lead in this one has the voice and personality that can strip paint but the story is also doing nobody any favors.

31 The Changan Youth - I lost my brain checking this out. I had to go and read a dense treatise on medieval coinage or Mayan farming to try to recover it.

30 My Dear Destiny - kinda cheesy fun. It honestly shouldn’t be as low except it really feels like community theater.

29 Handsome Siblings - why is the Nic Tse version so good and this one so bad? True mystery for the ages. Chen Zhe Yuan is the sole reason this isn’t lower, because that kid tries SO HARD to make this drama bearable and almost succeeds. I can’t wait to see him in Sha Po Lang which actually will give him something to do.

28 In a Class of Her Own - see my comment on The Changan Youth. But at least Song Weilong is gorgeous to look at.

27 General’s Lady - inoffensive, pretty and so utterly pointless.

26 The Blooms at Ruyi Pavilion - those two leading actors are a no go to me but at least they considerately acted with each other instead of ruining two dramas for me. It’s very pretty though.

25 Jiu Liu Overlord - it’s a mess and I bailed, but I placed it this high merely due to the fact that Lai Yi finally gets a leading role and he’s sexy as fuck and I am shallow. Whoever styled Bai Lu should never work again except at a circus, however.

24 Cross Fire - not my genre and Luhan will always look too much like my cousin for comfort, but it’s a surprisingly gripping and dark drama. I liked it!

23 God of Lost Fantasy - if you want to watch a mediocre wuxia/xianxia, this is not a bad choice. Probably better than Legend of Fei actually, because at least it doesn’t have an A-list cast to waste and gives us Sheng Yilun himbo and shirtless.

22 Renascence - the insane cuts (it went from 70 eps to 36!!!) made a fairly cheesy story into a total mess. But I had a good time until I finally bailed mainly because of the male lead (Chen Zhe Yuan yet again carrying a not-good 2020 drama on his shoulders; the guy should be nicknamed Atlas) and the insane but in a fun way story. The female lead (both the character and the actress) were not up to par but oh well.

21 Legend of Fei - only this high because objectively there is nothing I disliked it. But there is nothing I liked either. The most uninspired drama on the list. If you could eat cardboard, this is what it would taste like.

20 Ever Night 2 - compared to EN1, it’s a waste of film. On its own merits, it’s not very good (the cast replacements are uniformly inferior and Dylan Wang is so wrong for Ning Que I cannot even put it into words; the script is useless.) But it had some parts I loved so very VERY much (all the shippy stuff was perfection) so I don’t feel too bitter.

19 Castle in the Sky 2 - a lovely if not too complex fairy tale. It is inferior to its prequel because it doesn’t have Zhang Ruo Yun who elevated it, but it’s still a solid bit of fun.

18 The Great Ruler - it’s very high fantasy, very pretty, and surprisingly involving.

17 (tie) Legend of Two Sisters in the Chaos - the secondary couple steals the show but the rest is not too bad if not too involving.

17 Legend of Awakening - a solid bit of fun with a seriously BDSM streak (theme this year apparently - but come on, the lead’s powers only activate when he’s in extreme pain!) It’s a bit generic and the costuming is done by a blind person, not to mention the OTP is a NOTP, but the rest of relationships (romantic and platonic) are wonderful (I live for the found siblings story in this one) and I like most of the characters.

16 Consummation - a rare modern cdrama I liked; a sweet coming of age story (and love story) even if wrapped in a pretty weird virtual reality concept.

15 Oops the King is in Love - this is how you do a low budget, sweet, silly piece of fluff. Our heroine pretends to be a eunuch and crosses paths with a powerless young king and they are adorable, even more so than the drama.

14 Song of Glory - pretty solid, though draggy and I didn’t love the toothpaste filter. But A+ cast, excellent leading couple chemistry, Li Qin being a BAMF and a leading man (Qin Hao) who is actually an adult.

13 And the Winner is love - objectively kind of a mess (and the heroine has the brainpower of a gnat), but the OTP chemistry is excellent and Luo Yunxi fighting and flirting with a fan as finally a leading man is worth the price of admission.

12 Miss S - snazzy and snappy and stylish and whatever else starts with S.

11 Eternal Love of Dream - I don’t know if it would work for you as well if you weren’t a hardcore shipper for this OTP in Three Lives but I was and this was such a darling, wonderful, shippy delight; plus I love this type of high fantasy.

10 (tie) Maiden Holmes - solid and sweet and a wonderful OTP. Proves that functional doesn’t have to mean boring. If you watch one cross-dressing drama this year make it this one.

10 Qin Dynasty Epic - srs bsns history epic. I am not far into it but it’s so good and smart and visually stunning (if you love battles, this one is for you.)

9 Love Lasts Two Minds - I adored this so much more than I should objectively have, but it’s so beautiful (and no I am not just referring to Alan Yu’s face) and the OTP has wonderful chemistry and the story is solid, and the whole trope of her memory being wiped but falling for him all over again while he’s constantly and utterly devoted is a fave; plus he’s in pain and semi-dyng for most of it so sluuuurp (happy ending, don’t worry)

8 To Love - yes, a modern drama is this high! But it involves intensity, tragedy, genuine adults and sexiness that is Lin Gengxin. And there is an actual plot and darkness OMG!

7 Legend of Xiao Chuo - so beautiful, so fun, so full of gorgeousness of Shawn Dou. Plus, Liao is a rare setting for a cdrama and there are a lot of characters and stories I liked a LOT. Less ship content than I wanted but more than I expected.

6 The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so so delightful. I was literally laughing out loud. I have no idea if it will work as well if one isn’t a seasoned watcher of period cdrama/reader of web novels, with bonus for watching/reading Goodbye My Princess, but it was a complete delight for me (and yes, I shipped for real, as well. Best of both worlds.)

5 Twisted Fate of Love - Jin Han gets a leading period drama role! And he’s enjoying it to the hilt, excellent as a smart, twisty bastard who is also charming and so madly in love with heroine. Sun Yi is beautiful and tough and her chemistry with JH is on fire, the story never drags, and it’s so twisty and fun and just awesome.

4 Love In Between - the most underrated drama on this list. It has no big names or big budget, but it’s wuxia that’s clever, driven, tragic, hopeful and so beautifully shot. Three separate (amazing) OTPs, a leading man who is so not typical (a doctor who cannot fight and who never acquires this ability) and who is intense and smart and damaged, a heroine who puts her quest ahead of her emotions, an unhealthy degree of involvement by yours truly. This is a drama Fei should have been.

3 Love and Redemption - such a lovely, addictive, utterly romantic fairy tale. I was obsessed with it for a reason. All the tropes you love and some you didn’t know you did, a star-crossed OTP to the nth power (and a secondary OTP I hardcore love), a twisty yet coherent plot, some insane chemistry and so much whump and hurt/comfort they must have bought blood packets in bulk.

2 Go Ahead - yes, I can’t believe it either. A contemporary slice of life cdrama made it this high on my list. But the way it feels so real, the found family perfection, the characters I love and loathe, the perfect cherry of a wonderful OTP that hits my narrative kinks on top, and just a perfect storm of loveliness all around with this one.

1 The Wolf - is that any surprise to anyone who’s checked out this tumblr for the last couple of months? Tragic, intense and gorgeous; so romantic and angsty and passionate it made me lose my mind (though some of it was gone the moment the camera panned to Darren Wang) - all my favorite tropes and then some; this is a drama that may not be perfect but it is 100% and then beyond perfect for ME.

FAVORITE DRAMA

The Wolf - I have seen objectively better cdramas; even this year. But it has been literal years since I have been this hardcore obsessed, this utterly pleased, this emotionally catered to and devastated at once. A beautiful dark fairy tale that manages to own me despite the storytelling gaps due to censorship, it took me for one of the biggest emotional roller coaster rides of my drama watching career. Visually gorgeous, poetic, intense, and so romantic it took my breath away, this is not just my favorite cdrama of 2020, it’s my favorite drama this year period, and the one cdrama this year to make it into my permanent Top 10 cdramas list.

WORST DRAMA

Legend of Jin Yan - see my write up for it for why as I refuse to waste more time on this stupid mess.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Wolfie, The Wolf - he is such a haunted, tormented, complex, dark mess; loving and violent, severely damaged and with a hidden yearning softness, longing and aloof. And the amount of charisma and sheer masculine sex appeal Darren Wang brings to the role is insane and not something I see much of in a cdrama. Plus, that character arc with its rapid fall and slow painful redemption is A++++

Runner Up:  Sifeng, Love and Redemption - has a male lead ever loved more utterly and selflessly, suffered more thoroughly and beautifully, and managed to have such chemistry with both his leading lady and his leading man (that his leading lady temporarily turned into) at once? The answer is no.

Almost made the cut - Feng Xi, Twisted Fate of Love, Han Shuo, The Romance of Tiger and Rose, Qing Ci, Love in Between.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Xiao Qian, The Romance of Tiger and Rose - so funny, so much the reason this drama was such a delight. I adore her beyond words.

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Murder Daddy, The Wolf - I am sad the censors robbed us of seeing him die on screen. He was fully human but nonetheless managed to be the worst monster in a drama full of literal ones.

Ling Xiao’s Mom, Go Ahead - I hate her so much I don’t want to look up her name. She abused the kid, the disappeared and came back to abuse him some more. I mean she literally gave her child mental health issues. She is the WORST.

FAVORITE SHIP

Xing’er x Wolfie, The Wolf - are you kidding me? Who else could it ever be for me? They destroyed each other and saved each other, sworn enemies and childhood lovers, soulmates and epic messes, they couldn’t live with or without each other. The longing, the passion, the intensity, the angst, the epicness. LIKE THERE ARE NO WORDS!!!!

FAVORITE SECONDARY OTP

Si Yuan, Shen Manqing, Love in Between - I loved them as much and often more than the main OTP. So much angst and passion and a happy ending! She is a seeming sect darling (except the sect is horrible and also sexist so her only worth is as a marriage candidate) and he’s an information broker who is actually one of the members of a destroyed sect that’s blamed for the massacre of her family. That chemistry and yearning is insane. The scene where she touches his face when he’s unconscious was in serious running for my favorite scene of 2020.

NOTP

Legend of Awakening - I have never seen a couple that didn’t just have no chemistry but exhibited actual revulsion towards each other before watching Chen Feiyu and Cheng Xiao try to act as lovers in this one. It was almost entertaining to be honest.

FAVORITE SCENE

It’s a tie and both are from The Wolf. One is a sequence where Wolfie marches to the walls alone, seeking death at Xing’er’s hands and the whole sequence with the battle and rescue follows. The other is the intercut between Xing’er going to her wedding and Wolfie going to his execution, and the auto-da-fe being intercut with her wedding.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Wolfie, The Wolf - Ummm have you seen this tumblr lately, it’s basically a drool shrine to the man.

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yelü Yansage, The Legend of Xiao Chuo - I have loved this actor since The Myth and he continued to competently steal every scene he was in.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

To Love - come out of the coma, dammit!!!!!!!

NEEDS A DIRECTOR’S CUT

The Wolf - duh. It started out as 59 eps and got cut to 49. I reaiize some stuff is never gonna get put in due to censorship, but some of the stuff that got cut got for time reasons because they were deluded and hoping to get a TV broadcast so ep count had to be under 50. I mean I doubt the censors would care if they kept scenes of Wolfie building her a swing or whatever. I really really want a director’s cut the way Goodbye My Princess did even if like with GMP it’s only three extra eps. Hell, I will take extra three minutes, as long as those three minutes are Darren Wang shirtless or with a sword. Ahem.

NEEDS SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

The Song of Glory - it’s a fairly solid drama but honestly it didn’t need to be as long as it was and kind of got draggy and I got lost interest. (I could have gotten snarky and said all the dramas I didn’t like needed scissors taken to them in their entirety but decided to play nice.)

TOO MANY SCISSORS TAKEN TO IT

There are a number of dramas I could complain about with regard to this (hi there, darling The Wolf!) but this award goes to Renascence - poor Renascence was never going to be a masterpiece, but it had the potential to be a bit of good cheesy fun until it had its run time cut by more than half and became an incoherent piece of insanity.

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Dumb shrill innocent heroine who can’t tie her shoes - see basically all the cdramas I didn’t like this year.

FAVORITE TROPE WE’VE SEEN A LOT OF

Male lead torture - I mean it’s always open season on that in cdramas, but between Love and Redemption, The Wolf, Love Lasts Two Minds, Love in Between and so on, it was a banner year!

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Legend of Fei - what a waste of that cast; what a waste of our finite time on this Earth. What a waste of my intelligence to hope for something better and stick with it for a dozen eps. I have had stale wonderbread that had more personality than this drama.There is absolutely nothing that stands out about this drama in any way,  from half-dimensional characters, to actors who are sleepwalking, to a plot that moves at the speed of an arthritic snail, to uninspired cinematography and direction, to lack of any chemistry between anyone in the cast. If paint-by-numbers was done by a group of particularly linear robots, it might come across the same way as this drama.

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

The Wolf - honestly, I did not expect it to come out AT ALL EVER let alone to become my favorite drama of 2020. I was not familiar with the leading man (hahah), I liked Li Qin but wasn’t yet obsessed with her, and Xiao Zhan was excellent in The Untamed but I was hardly going to follow him from drama to drama (and I don’t do SLS any way.) And the trailer was enjoyable but unlike seemingly everyone, I didn’t think it was going to be some epic masterpiece. And then it came out and while it wasn’t objectively an epic masterpiece, it pulled out all the favorite tropes, shippy and narrative kinks from the deepest darkest recesses of my id. And I fell harder than I have in years. 

2020 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

None. Covid Year gave me PLENTY of time

BEST NON-2020 DRAMA I’VE WATCHED IN 2020

Novoland Eagle Flag and Joy of Life - they are in my Top 10 dramas from anywhere now. They are quite different except being smart and giving me protagonists to obsess over.

ETA: Also The Untamed because @idlewilds3 pointed out I actually watched it in 2020 even though I didn’t think so because this hellyear has lasted about three decades.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2021

I am gonna limit it to dozen and leaving out ones that aren’t necesarily supposed to air next year (Joy of Life 2, Love in Flames of War, Novoland Princess from Plateau.)

Monarch Industry, Novoland Pearl Eclipse, Silk Washing Stream, Dream of Changan, Sword Snow Stride, Wu Xing Shi Jia, Ancient Love Poetry, Immortality, The Long Ballad, Mirror Twin Cities, The Imperial Age, Fall In Love

[cybernaght]

The Rebel/叛逆者: A Review of Sorts

After being only semi-invested in the Rebel, I ended up getting so into it in the final weeks of its release, I’ve shelled out on IQIYI premium just to get the final couple of episodes a few days earlier.

That’s right kids, it’s a Review of Sorts. Unfortunately, I could not find a translation of the novella the drama is based on, so will be looking at it as a separate entity. 

Most of this post is spoiler-free, however I have dedicated a few paragraphs at the end of it to discussing the final episode, as there are a few specific things about it I wanted to mention. There is a clear spoiler warning before that part.

If you don’t want to risk it, TL;DR version of this review goes something like this: Rebel is very decent, and positively one of the best things that I have seen to come out of China since I’ve jumped into that particular rabbit hole. It’s pretty well written, it’s very beautifully dressed and shot, and the cast is killing it. I thought it dropped the ball a little in post production, and I did not always love the pacing. Other than that, it’s incredibly decent, and well worth watching, unless communist propaganda really irks you, in which case stay very well away. 

I have been having many conversations with @supernovasimplicity​ all the way through watching this drama, so there are likely to be some thoughts here that are influenced by those. 

The story centers around Lin Nansheng, a struggling servicemen in the Guomingdang party. He has a great analytical mind, and absolutely no emotional capacity for his job. He has trouble handling violence, he is impulsive, he cannot speak to his superiors without bursting into tears, and has nothing even remotely resembling a poker face. And that is what makes this drama as enjoyable as it is. 

I don’t think Lin Nansheng’s journey would have been nearly as exciting had he started it from a place of competence. He botches up everything he touches because his big brain switches off the moment his emotions kick in. And so, when you see him grow in confidence, learn to control himself, learn to fake his smiles and compliments, you can’t help but feel a strange sense of pride. It also makes Lin Nansheng very likeable as a character for reasons other than Zhu Yilong’s ability to look like a bush baby.

It did take me a while to feel fully engaged with his performance - not because there is anything lacking in it, but just because it’s hard to be truly surprised by his choices after the exposure I have given myself to his work. That said, at about a half-way point I got charmed by him anyway, and there were quite a few scenes that were truly mesmerising. There were scenes where he broke out of the familiar mould of big unguarded eyes and fluttering wet eyelashes, and tried something that was not pretty: every time to a great success. I am hoping to see more of that in his future work. 

I really wanted to like the female lead, Zhu Yizhen, but unfortunately both the way she was written and the way she was performed by Tong Yao left me somewhat cold. It did not help of course that the screenplay ended up sidelining her at every turn, leaving her with very little personal agency. She was set up so interestingly, but in the end her sole purpose became being someone for Lin Nansheng to pine over. It is particularly curious from a perspective of meta storytelling: seeing how this is all centered around superiority of communism, which as a whole was, arguably, ahead of its time in the matters of binary gender equality.

The ensemble cast of the drama is stunning. Wang Yang came very close to  stealing the show at several points as Chen Moqun, somehow managing to make his rather unlikeable character interesting. I can say the same thing about Zhu Zhu who absolutely shined as Lin Xinjie, showing an incredible range and imagination in her performance.

The overarching story of the show is engaging, with some incredibly suspenseful elements; every narrative arc including a nice progression through it. As spy thrillers go, it was fairly well plotted. You could if you go looking for a few things that did not pay off in a satisfying way (notably, the Chekhov’s cyanide capsule), but you overall the story really was well told for the most of it. 

I did, however, feel like the pacing started to fall apart in the last quarter of the drama. Last episode in particular really did feel rushed, not just due to its pace, but also in a way it failed to pay off the final mission in any visible way. There will be more on that in the spoiler section of this post.

Important to note that The Rebel is a show made in Communist China in the year 2021. It does not ideologically side-step from the path that was laid out for it by that fact. Which is to say, it is, undeniably, filled with propaganda. Communists are the good guys, and if you think a good guy (or gal) is not a communist, they probably secretly are. With one exception of a friendly character who is not a communist, and whose fate we actually never find out. Curious, that. 

The Rebel is not a kind of a show where censorship-appeasing scenes are shoehorned in. It’s a kind of a show in which the main theme is Sacrifice For the Party.

Aside from the being the moral vector of the show, Mao’s gentle teachings explicitly help get Ling Nansheng out of prolonged depression following his injury, and almost annoyingly, this sat incredibly well with the character, as he was written. Lin Nansheng is conceived as this naive idealist who wants to be on the front line, who needs validation and support of others. His - and I can’t believe I’m saying this - his being disillusioned in his beliefs and choosing to join a party which includes people whom he likes and trusts makes sense. Him finding this one thing that gives him hope and letting it propel him into gaining confidence and competence makes sense. 

In many ways, the Rebel is a story of Lin Nansheng’s failure to become an antagonist within the world of the drama.

I have honestly spent this past couple of weeks pondering whether being well written makes political propaganda better or worse, whether the subtlety of it makes it more or less palatable, whether it’s enough, as a viewer, to be aware of it to shrug it off. Ultimately, this is not something I could or should make moral judgements on, but I do believe that it’s possible to acknowledge the fact that propaganda exists in the drama, and still appreciate it for a good piece of television that it is. 

That said, I am very well aware that me being kind of okay with it stems entirely from my own removal from the culture this is made in, and I am, perhaps, lucky to even have a choice as to whether I want to engage with a product which is, undoubtably, here to dress political ideology in fancy clothes.

I have, on the other hand, also seen many things in Russian media of the “Annexation of Crimea is Good Actually” variety and those make me feel very unwell, so feeling somewhat at ease with blatant political propaganda in Chinese media makes me the biggest hypocrite.

But, I digress.

Before we go into some specific plot-related things, I would like to mention that the Rebel has this weird dichotomy in which the production is sublime, and the post-production… not so much. The show very well shot. Every element of it sits perfectly together, not a single prop out of place, not a single extra underdressed, not a page of script not put to good use. It’s lit to perfection. It’s scored beautifully. So much of this show is just stunning.

And then… there is post-production. 

This is not even about bad CGI (and the CGI is, indeed, bad), it’s just that most of post-production as a whole feels rushed.

Starting with surprisingly imperfect editing, which at times just fails to make the scene flow together. The final line of dialogue would be spoken within a scene, and it would fade to black instantly without a single breath to indicate a full stop. A montage sequence would be created, but every shot within it condensed to a second, making it feel incredibly fast-paced when the effect should be the opposite. There would be a cut away from a speaking character and to the same speaking character from a slightly different angle, making it dynamic without any reason to do so. There are a couple of truly startling jump-cuts.

I did not speed this gif up. This is part of a romantic montage, edited like it’s a goddamn action sequence.

And of course dear old friend slowing down footage shot at 24FPS. Please don’t do this. You think no one notices - but we do.

There are other tell-tale signs of production rushing to the finish line: occasional, but very noticeable ADR glitches, very sloppy job done at sound mixing, which contribute to parts of the show feeling ever so slightly off.

It’s not unforgivable, but it does make me wish the same amount of care and efforts that went into shooting this drama would also go into it after it was all in the can. 

Oh, and just because if you know me you know I have a professional fixation on fights, and I am happy to say most action scenes are toe-curlingly delightful. Hot damn those fights are good. I am absolutely in love with the shot below, for example. Placing an actor behind a piece of set so he can exchange places with the stunt double during a one shot is such an old trick, but the execution, timing and camerawork are just... flawless. This is what perfection looks like.

Now we got all that out of the way...

SPOILERS FOR THE SERIES FINALE BELOW

Here’s the thing. I wanted to love the ending and I found that I could not.

The final mission was presented as important, and honestly the scene in which Zhu Yizhen is sending the vital message out as Lin Nansheng holds his ground in hand to hand fight is incredibly dynamic. Party, this is due to the fight itself being incredibly well choreographed, yes, but it’s also where it sits within the narrative, how high the stakes are for everything surrounding it. 

But then, the tension all but bleeds out. The Important Message is sent, the fight is won, and we are treated to ten minutes of a very slow car chase, problem of which is not even its speed as much as its placing within the story. As in, by this point both of those operatives have lost their cover, and completed their Very Important Mission. It would be very sad if they died, but their survival does not technically contribute to their cause. Moreover, Zhu Yizhen getting mortally injured in order to protect Lin Nansheng as part of her mission read a little empty when the mission is technically over. 

While I personally found Lin Nansheng slow recuperation and his low key ending enjoyable, I think I would have preferred to have seen a more tangible pay-off to all the sacrifices made in the name of “bright communist future”, just a little more justification for every moment of death and despair we witnessed. I would have certainly at the very least preferred to see Wang Shi’an’s death on screen. Considering how many likeable characters martyred themselves on screen, denying us the death of the one antagonist just seemed cruel. 

I really did love the ambiguity of the final few scenes however, if we consider the children choir at the end a fantasy. The idea that Lin Nansheng will live out his life in this hope that Zhu Yizhen is still alive, imagining her just outside of his field of vision, his only joy being in this fantasy of her… now, that is incredibly strong. I equally like the idea of rest being promised to him at the end of his journey, and said rest being painful, and slow and unwelcome.

But it felt like as they chose not to to lean into the “sweet” part of the bitter-sweet tone of the ending and we’re unable not commit to the “bitter” part either, so it lands with a splat which is somewhat lacklustre. 

---

This concludes my thoughts on the Rebel. 

I am more or less out of Zhu Yilong’s filmography to watch, which is probably a good thing at this point. I have just emerged out of several back to back work projects - literally today - and will hopefully once more have time for things I grew to enjoy doing during the lockdown. 

Those things, if you have not guessed, include watching Chinese television and writing things about Chinese television.