#the way that i would literally rather die than do anything to hurt the person i love. and everyone else is out here doing it for fun! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

niningtori · 2 months ago

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violets are blue: a hanahaki au | oneshot

pairing(s): choi beomgyu x you, choi yeonjun x you

summary: you love beomgyu, your best friend, so much it makes you sick. literally. like, sick in the sense that your days are numbered as you try to fight off the hanahaki threatening to kill you every time he breaks your heart with his loving girlfriend, so you decide you'll try getting over him with the help of his girlfriend's friend, yeonjun.

genre: ANGST, melodrama, romance, hanahaki

warnings: lots of clich��s, serious illnesses, and mentions of death

word count: 5.2k

notes: surprise! i didn't think i'd get this out just yet but here it is <3 please don't be mean (i'm fragile) and feedback is always appreciated!

it’s a bearable sort of pain, but it’s still painful, nonetheless. bearable is a very loose term, too, because you know if and when things continue as they are, you will no longer be able to write your symptoms off so casually. and as you lean over beomgyu’s toilet and watch purple petals stained with crimson red blood swirling down the drain, you know it won’t be long before your pain crosses from “bearable” to “hellish”.

still, you manage to flush the evidence of your dying heart and take a good look at yourself in the mirror. your lips are nice and bloody, your makeup nice and smudged. you calmly take out the emergency mouthwash and makeup from your bag and get to work. after you’re finished tidying up, it’s almost like nothing ever happened. with a shaky smile and slightly reddened eyes, you leave his bathroom and prepare for the worst.

and the worst, it is. you just so happen to walk in to beomgyu’s living room while he plants a kiss on his girlfriend’s cheek as she giggles like mad. suddenly, your chest hurts even more than it already did and you find it hard to breathe. well, back to the bathroom you go.

you wish it were like the stories. you wish you could get some magical surgery to remove the flowers from your lungs — yes, even if it meant forgetting beomgyu. if you were a better person, you would say you’d rather die with your love than forget him; but as you’ve come to find out, you guess you’re not that selfless. actually, with the way things are now, you think it’d be better to forget. but unfortunately for you, there is no such solution in this world.

as it stands, the only way for you to cure your illness is by finding another love, which you have been too stubborn to try, but as you die a little more and more every day, you realize you have to do something. beomgyu is getting more serious with his girlfriend with every passing day, and even before that, he never once looked at you like anything other than a best friend — which you thought was killing you at the time, in a figurative sense, but now it’s killing you in the most literal of ways and you’re desperate.

you want to tell yourself that beomgyu needs you, and maybe he does, but he does not need your love the way you need his. the proof of this sentiment being that one of you is, at present, dying for the love of the other, and it’s not him.

it’s hard to hate beomgyu’s girlfriend when she’s so fucking nice, so you stopped trying to hate her long, long ago. in another life, you might even call each other friends. in this one, though, it’s a quiet sort of dance where you neither push nor pull her too hard. if she’s there, you greet her with a smile on your face. if she’s not, you don’t ask about her. it’s a delicate little charade, but one you play the part in flawlessly. beomgyu commends you for being “so cool” with her, but you have no other choice. if you veer too much in one direction or the other, you run the risk of losing him for good.

so she is, understandably, very surprised when you wait for beomgyu to go to the bathroom before asking her if she has any single friends.

“oh my god, really? i thought you'd never ask!” she exclaims, and you paste on a smile so sweet it’s sickening.

turns out, she has a lot of friends, unlike you, and many of them are, in her words, handsome. she pulls up a picture of a few of them and your eye is caught by one in particular.

“who’s that one?” you ask, pointing to a black-haired boy with an undercut.

“that’s yeonjun,” she grins. “oh, i just knew you’d like him. you’re totally his type, too. he’s gonna freak when i set you two up.”

“what’s going on?” beomgyu cuts, and your short-lived giddiness is shot in the head almost instantly.

“baby, you’ll never believe it. she’s interested in yeonjun,” she declares, still as excited as ever.

beomgyu turns to you with a look you can only describe as odd. you never talk about dating with him. like, ever. you don’t even seem interested in the idea to the point where he very earnestly sat you down one day and asked you if you were asexual, to which you spent a very arduous few hours awkwardly explaining that you are not. honestly? he didn’t really believe it at the time, but he’s beginning to now, if only because you seem so incredibly flustered at the moment.

“really? that’s great,” he says after a slightly off-putting pause, but thankfully, nobody catches it. “you know, for a second there, i thought you were gonna be our future kids’ single wine aunt forever. i’m glad you’re finally putting yourself out there.” god, he doesn't even know how much he hurts you, but he hurts you all the same. he’s spoken about marrying and having children with her, but to think that you fall into the “fun aunt” role in his future with her just makes you feel sick. you’d better pray that this shit with yeonjun goes well, because your lungs are starting to ache just as the thought.

“this is great,” she says, breaking you out of your trance. “how about this: we’ll go on a double date. that sounds fun, right?”

“actually, i think i’d like to meet him on my own first, if that’s cool with you,” you say. the last thing you need is for the love of your life to be there on your first date with another man. what if things go wrong? or worse, what if things go right? beomgyu can’t be there for that. you can’t do that to poor yeonjun.

she looks disappointed at your words, but beomgyu cheers her up by pinching her cheeks and promising that you’ll all have plenty of chances to go out together if things go well. you try to smile, you really do, but you’re not sure if what comes out looks anything even remotely close to one. luckily, it seems like they’re too absorbed in each other to notice.

you haven’t talked much with yeonjun before tonight, opting to meet him in person to see if the chemistry is there before wasting any time with just “talking”. you simply don’t have the time to spare, and yeonjun seems equally as eager to meet you for reasons unknown. so now you sit all dolled up and glammed out at the back of a dimly lit restaurant as you wait to meet the boy you can only pray will save you. he must have no idea how much you need this.

when you first see him, you’re taken aback by how handsome he is. you see beomgyu every day, and he’s the handsomest man in the world to you, but something about yeonjun is different. when he introduces himself and you get to know each other, his charisma charms you in a way you sincerely did not anticipate. he’s funny and goofy, which is just how you like them. you haven’t been on a date in god knows how long, but you’re starting to think that maybe this previously incomprehensibly doomed situation may not be so inescapable after all. that is, until he’s taking you home.

it’s dark outside and he graciously gives you his jacket like the gentleman he is, and you’re walking notably close together on the sidewalk, bodies brushing each other every few steps when he tells you something that just might change your life.

“listen, i really had fun tonight,” he says nervously, and it’s like you can feel the rejection before he even says anything more.

“but to be honest with you, my intentions aren’t exactly pure.” your heart drops. does he just want to sleep with you or something? that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world, but it’s not what you need. you need to love someone and for that someone to love you back so you don’t get sick beyond salvation. the only way to get over beomgyu is by getting serious with someone else.

“then what do you want?” you question feebly. he stops walking and turns to look at you, placing his hands on your shoulders.

“i want to fall in love with you, and i want you to fall in love with me. i want us to be together forever. i need it, actually.” he says eerily seriously, and you’re confused for a few moments before it dawns on you.

“you’re sick, aren’t you?” you ask, and his face hardens for a second before he nods.

“y-yeah, i'm sick. if you don't wanna see me again after this, i understand. i just —”

“it's okay. i am, too,” you say with a small, reassuring smile.

“you too?” he asks, eyes comically wide and pouty lips agape in an “o”.

“yeah,” you tell him, and he’s quiet for a few moments before he laughs. it’s a cute, pretty little thing, and it makes you join him, too.

“wow, maybe meeting each other was fate,” he says between giggles.

“maybe,” you reply. and for the first time in a long time, you think you might really make it out of this alive.

“and you won’t believe it, but he told me he spent the whole night with her!” beomgyu’s girlfriend says proudly.

“... what?” he mumbles dazedly.

“he said he went over to her place and stayed there all night, and on the first date, too!” she babbles. “now, he didn’t tell me what they did, but if i know yeonjun, i bet they —”

“stop,” he cuts in. he doesn’t know why, but he feels that if he hears one more word about it, something will feel horribly wrong. it already does feel wrong, in a way, but he can’t quite put his finger on why.

“why? aren’t you happy for them?” she asks confusedly.

“i… i am. it’s just weird, y’know? she’s like… like a sister to me. nobody wants to hear about their sister’s private life,” he reasons, and she nods in response.

“i guess that makes sense,” she says. “but still, i’m so happy for them. especially him. he’s actually had a rough time, lately. i don’t know why, but he’s been acting kinda weird with me, so i —”

“you’re here!” beomgyu says as you walk through his front door. he’s been expecting you. since your first date with yeonjun, he’s been eagerly texting you about it. you haven’t responded much, but he’s been chalking it up to how busy you must be with your new, well, whatever yeonjun is to you. he’s excited when he thinks about how he’ll get to see how you two interact with each other tonight since his girlfriend suggested you all hang out together, but part of him feels off about this entire situation. what he told her was the truth: it is weird to see you with someone, but maybe he’s just not used to it. you’ve never been openly attracted to anyone before, so it’s brand new territory to navigate.

you greet him with a soft smile and not much else, which strikes him as odd, but yeonjun trails in after you, and all other thoughts go out of the window.

“hey, man! nice to see you. it’s been a while,” he says, and yeonjun reciprocates the same excitement, going in for a side hug.

beomgyu’s girlfriend goes in for a hug, too, and yeonjun freezes for a bit, but it goes unnoticed by everyone besides you. you look at him with as much reassurance and understanding as you can muster, and he replies with a grateful, shaky smile.

honestly, you weren’t terribly surprised when he told you that the object of his affections was the very person who holds the heart of the object of yours. she’s a bubbly, lively kind of girl, and it’s easy to fall in love with someone like that. if anything, it just makes you think that maybe yeonjun was right when he said meeting each other was fate.

the night is pretty fun, all things considered, and you find yourself not wanting to die while spending time with the loving couple, but that’s only because yeonjun is sitting next to you. when something particularly devastating happens, you grab each other’s hands and squeeze like you’re the other’s only lifeline. in a way, you kind of are. without him, you’d be on a one-way train to certain death, and without you, he’d be the same.

things are pretty light, though, until beomgyu says he has an announcement to make.

“we’re moving in together!” his girlfriend cheerily cuts in before he can do the honors, and that’s enough to make any hard-earned progress go out the window. you feel your stomach churn and you’re finding it hard to breathe. you look very visibly ill, and while yeonjun is not doing much better, you definitely take it a lot harder.

“that’s amazing! i’m happy for you guys!” yeonjun chirps.

“yeah. sorry, i think i need to go to the bathroom,” you mumble, and yeonjun concernedly looks at you before you subtly shake your head. in that brief look, you have an entire conversation. he asks if you’re alright and if you need him to come with you to spill your guts out, and you tell him you’re not, but you’d rather go alone.

while his girlfriend may not catch it, beomgyu certainly does. that odd, silent conversation that only yeonjun and you seem privy to. the fact that you two seem to have a level of understanding with words unspoken makes him feel suffocated, and there’s an unknown sharpness in his chest.

he tries to join back in on the banter, but he can’t shake the uncanny feeling he has, so he excuses himself and follows you to the bathroom.

now, he knows this is really fucking weird to do, so he almost doesn’t do it, but the sound of you retching makes him abandon all consideration of right and wrong. he presses his ear to the door and hears hushed sobs in between hacks, and it makes his eyes widen in horror and concern.

he’s not sure how much time passes, but he hears the heartbreaking sounds die out, and then he hears the water run and you clearing your throat. he takes the cue to stop pressing against the door, and before long, you step out of the bathroom while looking perfectly put together. you flinch almost imperceptibly when you catch him right outside the door.

“are you alright?!” he exclaims, but you just nod and begin to push past him, murmuring something about being fine, but that you and yeonjun need to leave because something came up. he didn’t even know you could move so fast, and he finds that he’s borderline chasing you to the living room where his girlfriend and yeonjun look up in surprise at the scene before them.

“do we need to leave?” yeonjun asks carefully.

“yeah,” you say shortly, and you’re booking it out of the door and onto the porch before beomgyu grabs your arm and spins you around to face him. his girlfriend hesitantly follows yeonjun outside and watches the entire ordeal as puzzle pieces begin to fit together in her mind.

“are you alright?!” he repeats, and you just face him with a withering, humbling look.

“i’m okay. i just don’t feel good tonight, but i’ll be alright. congratulations on everything, i’m sorry i can’t stay to celebrate.” and normally that would be enough to throw him off of your scent, but beomgyu remembers your muffled cries, and he won’t be swayed so easily.

“what’s wrong? no bullshit. just tell me,” he demands in a way that is uncharacteristically solemn, but you can’t answer that. the only way to get him to forget about you is for you to distract him with the person he loves most.

“but your girlfriend —”

“don't even start. what’s wrong?” he, well, asks isn’t even really the world, is it? there’s no room for negotiation in his tone.

“i… i’m sick,” is all you can really say.

“sick how? sick like you need me to take you home?” and he doesn’t really believe his own implication that it’s something so easily fixable, but he has to try.

“i’m… i’m really sick. sick like i’m dying, sick,” you manage to croak out, and it’s everything he feared and more.

“what’s wrong?! do you need to go to the hospital?!” he panics, and you feel an overwhelming sense of dread. this is what you wanted to avoid because he can’t help you. nobody can.

“baby?” the soft voice of his girlfriend pipes up from behind you. his gaze is torn away from you for just a moment, but that’s enough to make you ache.

“not now!” he snaps before turning his attention back to you, but it’s too late. you feel the sharp stems scratching at your lungs, causing a scorching sort of pain you can’t even put into words. slowly, you begin to cough — choke, really — and beomgyu is helpless to watch as you clutch your chest and hack up a mess of bloodied, tangled flowers. his eyes widen as he takes in the blood seeping from the corners of your mouth.

“who?” he asks shakily as you finish coughing up the last of the petals, and you know he’s asking who your unrequited love is, but you don’t reply. you can’t reply.

“who is it?” he asks again with more edge to his voice, but you still can’t muster up the courage to answer him. you could lie like you usually do, but you’re so tired, you just can’t anymore.

“baby?” his girlfriend repeats.

“what?!” he snaps, unable to help himself from losing his temper as he turns to look at her.

“it’s… it’s you,” is all she says, and his scowl drops and morphs into incredulity and dread.

“that's impossible,” he whispers, but one look at you and your twisted expression is enough to erase all doubt. “m-me? listen, you know i love you, but i —”

“it's alright,” you coax, trying to placate him. even in your darkest moments, you're still putting his feelings first, and the thought alone is suffocating him. “i know. i really, really do. you don’t have to explain it to me.” and your “comforting” smile would be more convincing if it weren't stained red.

“but you’re sick! you —”

“i’ll be alright,” you whisper, and he’s at a loss for words at how calm you seem to be. how can you be so resigned? he looks at you — really, truly looks at you — for the first time in god knows how long, and he finally notices how different you are. your frame is lighter, your cheeks are more pronounced, and there are violet bags underneath your bloodshot eyes. how could he have missed so many signs? you’re dying, no way around it, and he was so busy playing house with his girlfriend, he had no idea just how much you were — are — suffering. it’s unforgivable, but he can tell you’ve forgiven him, anyway. how long have you been forgiving him? since the start of his current relationship? or even before that?

“we should go,” yeonjun cuts in tentatively. you just tearily nod, and before beomgyu can say anything more, you’re in yeonjun’s car and driving away.

he calls and texts for days on end, but you don’t respond. at some point, he resolves to come see you in person. the way you looked the last time he saw you haunts him viciously. he just has to see you. he just has to be sure.

but when he shows up at your doorstep, you just look exhausted and even worse for wear. you don’t greet him, even, you just sigh and walk back to your bedroom before plopping down into the bed and looking at him with a look he can only describe as unreadable.

“i just h-had to make sure you’re okay,” he stammers.

“i’m okay,” you reply gently. “i just need some time.”

“b-but maybe if i —”

“it won’t work. the only way out of this is for you to love me back, or for me to get over you. yeonjun is helping me, so it’s going to be alright, i think.”

“what if i —”

“you can’t make yourself love me, beomgyu,” you say softly, the slightest tinge of a reprimand in your voice.

“i… i can try,” he whimpers.

“yes, but i don't want you to. you have a girlfriend,” you patiently reply, but your seemingly unshakable patience just makes him more desperate.

“then what do you want me to do? i’m killing you!” he exclaims, and you wince as a sharp pain strikes your temples at the noise. he notices your response, and he just wants to die from the guilt.

“i don’t want you to do anything. that’s why i didn’t tell you.” how could you not want him to do anything? how could you possibly ask that of him?

“h-how can you say that? how can you just expect me to watch you die?” he whines, tears spilling down his cheeks as he looks to you for a perfect solution that will never come.

“i’m alright,” you tell him again, but the way you wheeze afterwards suggests otherwise.

he goes to grab you, maybe to pat your back or maybe to hold you, he’s not really sure, but you feebly put your hand up to stop him before he gets too close. it’s an innocent gesture in and of itself, yet it somehow feels like you just smacked him across the face.

“don’t touch me,” you say, but it’s more like a plea than anything else. “it’ll just hurt me more.” with that, your words devolve into a coughing fit and all he can do is watch as splatters of blood and stems stain the tissue you cough into. he never, not in a million years, thought that his touch would hurt you. it’s supposed to soothe you like nothing else. you know, the way your touch soothes him.

“i think you should go,” you suggest after your coughing has died down. he can see the aftermath of his mere presence etched into the tired lines on your face, and he feels less like a person and more like the scum of the earth.

“what are you thinking about?” a sweet voice says, effectively pulling him out of his reverie. beomgyu is currently supposed to be cooking dinner with his girlfriend, but he’s spending more time spacing out than actually cooking the noodles he’s meant to be stirring.

“n-nothing,” he sputters, but her knit eyebrows and frown let him know he has to elaborate. still, he pretends he doesn’t notice her silent urging and returns to his task.

he can feel her stare on him as he watches the pot, and it’s not very long before she sighs and says her next words.

“you’re thinking about her, aren’t you?”

“what? n-no! i just —”

“yes, you are.” and her tone isn’t accusatory, but it’s filled with a sense of knowing. “it’s normal to think about her, you know? she’s dying and —”

“don’t say that! why would you say that?! she’s not going to die!” he yells, slamming down the fork he was using to stir and turning to face her. he’s visibly shaking with rage — which makes no sense given that he knows, she knows, and even you know that her words are true.

“she’s going to die,” she repeats. “you need to accept that.”

“how can you expect me to accept that?! you two just expect me to be okay with her fucking dying! well, i’m not!” he cries, tears streaming down his face as his words get louder and louder.

“... i think you need to take some time to cool down. i’ll stay with my parents, so do what you need to do. when you’re ready, just call me, okay?” she says, and he only sobers up after he hears the front door slam shut.

beomgyu stays in an odd sort of purgatory. he’s constantly torn between contacting you and leaving you alone like you so obviously want. he tells himself that you’re his best friend, so of course he wants to see you and comfort you, but it feels much deeper than that. like there’s something unsolved and untouched that he just needs to dig a little deeper to figure out, but as for what that something is, he can’t seem to quite grasp.

with this in mind, he never, not in a million years, anticipated that you’d be here on his doorstep. but here you are. you look even worse than before, somehow, which he is surprised by seeing as how things with yeonjun seem to be going well if yeonjun’s instagram updates of the both of you mean anything at all. he invites you in and offers you a seat, but you refuse.

“come on, sit down. you must be tired,” he urges, but you wave your hand.

“i don’t need to stay here long,” you dismiss, and it hurts his heart. “i just need one thing from you, and i’ll be out of here.”

“you need something from me? sure, anything! w-what is it?” and he sounds so hopeful, so earnest. maybe there’s a way to undo what he’s done. maybe he can help you after all. no matter what it is, he knows he can do it.

“... i need you to reject me,” is all you say, but the words ring in his ears. reject you? how can he reject you when it looks like a breeze could knock you over?

“b-but why?” he stammers, and you sigh.

“i finally figured it out. i just need to hear you tell me that you don’t love me, then i think i’ll be able to fully let you go for good.” usually, you’d have a soft smile on your face in order to comfort him, but your face is blank except for your eyes, which seem more desperate than anything he’s ever seen. but your words confuse him.

“let me go for good?”

“yeah. i think if i can just hear you say it, i won’t need to see you anymore. i won’t ask for anything else, i just need to hear it from you,” you say determinedly. but he’s stuck on “i won’t need to see you anymore”. what could you possibly mean by that?

“what do you mean you won't need to see me anymore?” he asks, voice devoid of any ill intent, but filled with genuine confusion.

“i mean, yeonjun doesn’t like me seeing you for obvious reasons, but i told him that i think i’ll be okay after this.” his confusion turns into dread. things that were a mystery to him suddenly make perfect sense.

“i can’t,” he chokes out, and you’re visibly stunned before anger explodes inside of you.

“you can’t? what the fuck do you mean you can’t? why can’t you?!” you seethe. you’ve done everything for beomgyu, you even almost paid the ultimate price for him just so you wouldn’t have to make him uncomfortable with your feelings. you’re quite literally dying because of him, and he can’t offer up a meager sentence for you?

“i… i can’t say it. please don’t make me say it,” he pleads. “i’ll do anything else — anything, i swear to god!”

“beomgyu, there is nothing else. this is the only way. i’m not asking you for much, just say it, then i’ll be okay.” but he can’t do what you ask of him. not when he’s realized what he just realized.

“b-but i… i do love you. i’m sorry, i just didn’t realize it until just now, but i do. a-and if you’ll have me, i —” smack! and his pathetic speech is stopped by your hand meeting his cheek.

“you are so fucking selfish,” you spit, voice low, but vibrating with rage. “more selfish than i will ever be able to understand.”

“w-what do you —”

“beomgyu, you have a girlfriend. a girlfriend who loves you. what about her? huh?” you ask, and his previous momentum falters, but you’re not even finished yet.

“and if she gets sick, are you gonna leave me and tell her you want her instead? you can’t do that, beomgyu. i won’t accept that. i won’t accept your love just because you feel sorry for me,” you declare, voice cracking as thick, hot tears roll down your cheeks. he’s still speechless, so you somehow find it in yourself to continue.

“i’m not doing this with you right now. call your girlfriend, tell her you’re sorry, and tell her she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore. and even if i’m gone, don’t you dare tell her what you told me today, okay?” and it’s not really an ask as much as a demand.

“i can’t do that,” he whispers, and you’re not sure if the ache in your heart comes from the briars encircling it or from how pained he looks.

“i know i’m selfish. i know i’m a bastard. but seeing you with yeonjun, or worse, not seeing you at all? that’ll fucking kill me. i just can’t do it. i don’t want to hurt her, but i don’t want to lie to her. or you. or myself,” he says shakily.

“what are you saying?” you ask. this is not how you anticipated things would go.

“i’m saying that if you leave me, i’ll be sick,” he says shakily. “j-just the thought of that makes me…” and it’s a surprise to the both of you when he coughs like crazy, and it’s to the horror to the both of you when a pretty, blood-stained violet petal escapes his mouth.

“oh god,” you whisper. “you can’t do this.”

“i can’t help it!” he exclaims. “i didn’t know before, but it’s true. i just didn’t realize it. i’m just — i’m just sorry i didn’t realize it.”

“beomgyu, it’s going to kill her,” you say, dread evident in your tone.

“i know,” he says tearily. “but it’s you. it’s always been you. we can’t change it.”

“i can’t do this to her. it’s wrong,” is all you can say.

“i can’t live without you, and you can’t live without me,” he replies. “w-whatever happens, can we please just figure it out together? i don’t think i can handle another day without you. i think it might really kill me.” he pushes your hair off of your sweaty forehead, and you know as you feel your heart lighten that you have no choice. if not for you, then for him. whatever happens with his girlfriend, you will try your damndest to make sure she doesn't have the same fate as the two of you.

“okay?” he asks.

“o-okay,” you tell him, because what else is there to say?

notes pt. 2: lorddd i know this ending will be polarizing but what can we do... it is what it is :(

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unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240 · 1 year ago

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I have gotten so many messages from folks who see what's happening to Jews right now, how literally any statement from us that isn't straight up "death to Israel!" "tear it down!" "river to the sea!" etc. - no matter how tempered in other ways or critical of the Israeli government it is - anything even mildly supportive of the terrorism victims/their families in their grief and/or Israelis deserving to live is getting dog piled to an absurd degree. And yes, that primarily targets Jews (because we're the ones primarily speaking on it) but it definitely is also hitting anyone not Jewish who says this as well. Immediately, overnight, the left has made any position that respects everyone's human rights and allows Jews room to grieve our murdered and missing family and friends without telling us they deserved to die in terrible ways completely radioactive. Like literally even the most milquetoaste statement attracts numerous hysterical commentators. And because it's so toxic, people are afraid to speak up.

And I've now heard from a lot of gentiles that they had no idea how deep the rot of leftist antisemitism went, how they've been seeing this unfold with horror, and are afraid to speak up.

Here's what I'll say: those messages give me a lot of strength, because they help me remember that I'm not insane, that this is horrendous, and we are seeing in real time exactly who would have helped the Gestapo find us if they were sufficiently convinced that this is "decolonization." That yes, the backlash really *is* that bad. I hear that affirmation and I appreciate it, and I understand your fear, because it was mine too. I myself strongly considered at the beginning not saying anything about this until I could do so without being harassed. (I decided against that because I am physically incapable of shutting up when it pertains to my people, but I understand the sentiment.)

Here's the thing: this is never going to end - those people who take seriously the question "are Jews people?" are going to be the vocal minority unless and until we all speak out. Jews are 2% of the US population and 0.2% of the world's population - there are literally more self-identified Nazis in America than there are Jews. I would honestly be surprised if there weren't more horseshoe theory leftists in the world than Jews also.

That being the case, we really do need our allies to speak up with us. I think if we all spoke up at once, it might be enough to break the silence-taken-as-agreement and shame everyone but the avowed antisemites (rather than the thoughtless and opportunistic ones) back into keeping their antisemitism under wraps. Which does have the effect of bringing the mob under control. Jews have faced a ton of mob violence in the form of pogroms throughout our history and backlash to Jewish victimhood. (Tl;dr - "How dare you make me consider how I might have benefited from or been complicit in hurting Jews? This is actually the fault of the Jews." is a disturbingly common thought process.) (You may also be wondering what I mean by "opportunistic;" I can explain in another post if people are interested.)

I know it's scary. I am well aware that you might lose friends from this. I personally decided that if those "friends" valued Jewish lives so little, they were never my friends to begin with, but it's different for non-Jews. They may genuinely be your friends. I'm not demanding you do this for me or my community, but I am asking you to consider what your line is for your friends. And if you are able to talk to them, to ask them what makes this group different from all other groups in terms of deserving compassion and human rights, it may just help us to quiet the mob.

And, if nothing else, just privately reminding those of us who are speaking about it that we are grounded in reality and compassion helps combat the mass gaslighting going on.

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flos-obsessivus · 3 months ago

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YANDERE SFW ALPHABET - LILIAN

This is the full post for the 250 follower milestone! Thank you so much for those who participated! I had to cut it off early because it's nearing 500 followers and I'll be busy these next few days. Please enjoy!

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Honestly, he has all 5 love languages, words of affirmation – he needs to know that you love him, and he himself will declare everyday, every hour, every minute, how much he loves you. Quality time and Physical touch, both go hand in hand as cuddling is a big part of both of your routines. And as an Isolating type, it’s inevitable that he would always stay by your side if you’re locked up in the castle.

Acts of service, another one that’s important to him, if he serves you well, that means he’s a good husband and lover right? Worshippers are usually this way so that’s understandable. And finally, gift giving, he’s a prince, money is not a problem to him, so anything that your heart desires, be it jewelry, another kingdom, or the horns of the great fae, nothing will stop him if you ask for it.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

He himself will not spill blood, but everyone knows he is the crown prince of a whole kingdom, and that kingdom has many people that adore him. Ordering the guards to kill those who are a threat to you and him is easy to do, having people accept the murders is even easier.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He’s actually a very good host, he’s very attentive and makes sure that all your needs are met, be it food or entertainment, he’ll be happy to serve you well.

He would never do anything that would mock you, for it shows how much of a bad lover he is. It’s supposed to be a happy ending, so why would he say anything negative to you? Both of you should be happy and his heart can’t take it if he does anything bad to you, outside locking you up that is.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Nope, he's too much of a good boy for that. He's more of a worshipper, obsessive type. So to him, you are more important than he would ever be. Anything that is outside of your comfort zone is a big no.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

VERY VULNERABLE! He could never, ever, manage to hide his love for you, from his words to his body language, it’s obvious how much love is packed in that body of his. He is, and always will be honest, he just has a way to word it so people will not think ill of his person. As a prince, clear communication and flowery words are important, to you though, both of those are thrown out the window.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Incredibly sad, the only reason why you would fight back is because you still haven't learned to love him! That's why you're very irritable, right? He just needs to understand you, as your true love it is important to know everything about you.

So, of course he'll do anything! W-well except letting you go of course...

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

It’s not a game to him, it’s a life or death situation, literally. His curse makes him desperate to find his true love, but also, he’d rather die than not have you, or in this case, stay in eternal sleep because he knows the only way he’d wake up is from your kiss.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

The worst thing that he'll do is isolate you until you love him, he wouldn't hurt you, he wouldn't force you to love him. Instead he will wait... Wait by your side as he takes care of you, wait on his knees as he looks at you like you hung the moon, wait until you finally love him.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

Marriage and children! Also ruling over the rosen kingdom. It’s a royal’s duty to create heirs for the throne, and as his true love, marriage is inevitable right?

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He definitely does, it’s incredibly obvious too considering it shows so expressively on his face, how his cheeks puffs up in jealousy, mouth turned down into a pout, and how he grips your sleeve so tightly. He never blames you for it though, rather, it’s always going to be the other person’s fault for trying to seduce you. His way of coping is believing that the other person is just a toy of yours, one day you’ll get sick of them and finally go back to him.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

So in love, it’s actually harder for him to mask his emotions when he’s around you. Yes, he manages to keep his face still but there are other parts of him that are harder to control. The redness of his cheeks, the trembling of his hands, the weakening of his knees, and the growing love for you in between his legs. If you are good at reading people, you’ll realise there's so many parts of him that sing a different song.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

Oh he’s very sweet, usually courtship is very straightforward during his time, often just straight up asking if they wish to be wed during a ball, even arranged marriage is part of it. Lilian however, has the right to choose who and how he’ll court someone. I can see him courting you with gifts and such, and though he rarely sings, he is willing to woo you with his amazing voice. Every chance where he gets to sing in front of you, he’ll take it. He’ll even dedicate a whole song just for you. (Idol! Lilian everyone? Also Once upon a dream by Lana del Rey)

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Yes and no. He still acts the same with you and with the other people, his kindness and beauty is for all. However, the only difference is that with other people he is calm, even with uncomfortable situations he is still as level headed as the crown prince should be.

On the other hand, when he's with you, it gets harder to control his emotions. Even if he looks calm on the outside, just know he is so close to losing control of his affection for you. It becomes obvious when part of his routine is to find you to talk to you or just stalk you.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Isolation, and more bonding time with him! If you tried to escape or managed to actually escape, he'd just try harder to make you love him so you wouldn't escape. Physically hurting you is a big no no. To him, how he treats you reflects on what kind of person he is. If he hurts you, he's no more less than a brute.

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

Only being able to get out of the room. However, he’ll make it so all of the things you need are available to you. Entertainment, books, anything that you need he’ll bring it to you. He’ll do anything, as long as it’s not letting you go outside until you fall in love with him.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

Very patient, he is not blessed with kindness for nothing. To be fair, he never sees anything as your fault, it’ll always be him or someone else.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

Never. As his only true love, his heart will always be with you. If you die, his heart is buried with you. If you escape, he will do anything to find you, if you manage to escape to a neighbouring kingdom... Menelaus started a war to bring Helen of Troy back, do you think he will not do the same?

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

Yes he does feel incredibly guilty, but he wouldn’t let you go. It’s more of a risk for the whole kingdom if he lets you go, because everybody knows it's only time before he regrets letting you go. War is not off the table if he knows one of the kingdoms is harbouring you.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

Since his birth, he has been revered for being the beloved prince of the Rosen Kingdom. From childhood to adulthood, he is expected to be lovely and kind to everyone, though it comes naturally to him, it still tires him at times. Due to his curse, his parents become overprotective, fearing that the great fae will find him and hurt him before the cursed day comes. He rarely gets to go out of the castle due to this, instead he would stay in the library when he has free time. He discovers books through this where there is always a happy ending in every fairytale.

He thinks of himself as a damsel in distress, being stuck in the castle guarded because of his status. Since then he always tries to seek out his prince charming, or his knight in shining armour, or just his true love. Because if he finds his true love, the person who loves him for him and not his charm, the person who will save him from his curse... He'll be able to finally live normally...

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Devastated! He’ll cry with you, for his heart is yours, and when you cry, his heart will cry. He already basically isolates you so, it’s not as odd, however if it extends to you refusing to touch him, he’s very pouty and sad. He needs his daily affection or he’ll be heartbroken.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

For this one, I don’t know, what classifies a classic yandere? Is it the dominant abusive type that seems to be most popular today? Or the ‘I will kill everybody who even looks at you’ type? There are many definitions of a classic yandere, these two are what I’ve seen a lot in other stories.

In that case, he’s the type to never hurt you, he’s mainly a submissive and worshipper type, with other types mixed in (Obsessive type as I said in Darling). He truly, truly loves you, and he refuses to even harm a single strand of your hair. Killing people is too much for him, oftentimes letting servants do it for him. He is still kind at heart, as is the blessing given by his fairy godmother.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

His love for you! As I said for Darling, he is the worshipper type, so your word is law. If it means making you happy, he's willing to do anything, as long as you make sure not to make him aware of your plans to escape. If you do manage to escape though, you can barely get anywhere before you get caught by the guards.

You can escape Lilian yes, but you cannot escape the kingdom itself, especially from his influence.

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Nope! Hurting you also hurts him, how he treats you reflects on how he is as a person. Please refer to Unique and Naughty for more info!

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

So, so much. You are more important than anything in his life, after all, you are the one who would dictate whether he lives past 21 or not. Well, you and the great fae but! He only wants you. Money, fame, and power and one of the few things he can give. His entire being is also not off the table.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Honestly, until the day before his 21st birthday. However, the closer that day comes, the more desperate he becomes. Of course, he’ll want his curse to break and you are the only one who could, so before that happens he makes sure that you fall in love with him. If you still reject him, he’ll lose the will to keep going and accept his inevitable eternal sleep. At least then he will be dreaming of you forever.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Only by accident, one person can only stay in one place for so long before they go crazy. Yes, Lilian is there with you, but talking to only one person everyday can cause so many issues. Desperation can make you do things you’ll regret, breaking you is one of them. Let’s just hope it’s Stockholm syndrome and not your will to live.

#lilian oc #yandere oc #yandere prince #yandere #yandere male #yandere x reader #asks #yandere x you

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yayll · 3 months ago

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Could you maybe write smth up. About literally spoiling Dazai. Because i want to sit him down on the couch and kiss his pretty fucking face and buy him everything he even glances at.!! Hold his hand on walks, take him to like roooftops to stargaze and stuff and just stare at his PRETTY AHH FACE instead. Kiss his forehead goodnight!!! Cook him stuff and cuddle him and kiss him (again)!!!!....

Im lonely and past the point of no return sorry shdkhdkfjf

HIIII there, angel! i'm so sorry this took me a bit, but umm... i kind of went insane with this concept i read your ask and i immediately just blacked out because oh do i feel the same way about this god forsaken man.. and HEAVY on the spoiling. ahh, i hope it's to your liking, and i hope it makes u feel less lonely :') it was such a pleasure to write my first request xx

~ a little something about cherishing Dazai on days he needs it the most ~

Spoiling Dazai. Now there's something you can proudly admit to being happily guilty of. You couldn't count the times you've held him for hours after a terrible day at work, or made sure he had more than just canned crab and a few bottles of Sake. You'd do anything for him to be comfortable in his own skin, and you want to make sure he knows how much you adore him... that he knows he's allowed to take up space in the world too. You're also aware that he would rather die than to ever elaborate on the vague and dismissive little comments he makes about the debilitating weight of all of his past mistakes, the ones that make him resentful and tired when it really gets to him, but that never deters you.

You've put the pieces together long enough to understand that it's not easy being Osamu Dazai, no matter what silly mask he puts on for the world. He hasn't always been a good person, an exemplary man, and you're more than well aware of that. Still, he doesn't have to be the jester who's always entertaining the masses at his own expense.

You remind him that he isn't cursed forever, that he IS worthy of flesh and blood, and when you kiss him it's like you're absolving him of all sins... you make him new again. He is utterly bewitched by you and you feel it in the way he comes up behind you and rests his chin on your shoulder, squeezing your waist just enough to let you know your warmth is the reason his own blood circulates. Or when he whispers the most silliest and unhinged things in your ear late at night so you'll curl up those precious lips into a smile... Just for him. He gets off on the happiness he gives you, simple as that. He already feels he doesn't deserve to hold on to such a good life, but he's nothing if not defiant, and he'll squeeze out every little bit of love within that void of a heart for as long as you'll have him.

But... Today is your turn to love him so much it actually hurts, It's what he gets for being a menace 24/7! That is why you chose to make sure he has an extra special day today, by bringing him out of his comfort zone with a... mystery date!

"Oh? And to what do I owe the pleasure of being courted by such a beautiful creature such as yourself on this fine day?"

Dazai sips on his tea, eyes narrowing as they peer at you from the teacup curiously. You flash him a cheeky grin, already plotting your mission to make him so flustered he can't even look at you later.

"I thought we could go out somewhere and spend some time outside... Since we've both been so busy lately. Wouldn't that be nice?"

He raises a brow, and gives you a knowing smile back. Dazai's freakishly omnipotent in that way, and it's one of the many reasons you can never truly know if your surprises land or not.

"Mmm, it could be. Where to, my love?"

"... It's a secret."

He then pretends something has hit his chest, and he grips it, dramatically throwing himself back onto the chair causing his tea to flop about in the teacup.

"Oh my, is today the day you finally take me out and end it all?! I don't know if I can take the deceit, the absolute betrayal... What an occasion-"

You cut him off with your index finger as you place it right on his lips, zipped tight and his eyes burn into you, waiting for your next words. He eats this shit up.

"Shush! Let's go."

And with that, you grab your coats and zoom out and into the day. It's one of those days where It's cloudy, but the sun still peaks out just enough to send down warm rays of light. As you walk hand in hand, you see the way those very rays hit Dazai's side profile in the most devastating way.

You want to take a photo but you don't want to ruin the moment, so you quickly tip toe and peck him on the cheek, causing him to abruptly stop in his tracks. He blinks for a few seconds, still facing forward, and you swear you can see the highs of his cheeks turn red. You end up tugging him to follow you to the park, smiling to yourself in triumph as he recovers.

You walk to a quiet part, and plop yourselves down next to each other on the soft grass. Still holding hands, you rub your thumb in circles over his bandaged fingers, silently looking up at the cloudy sky. Finally, Dazai is the one to break the silence.

"Love used to always be an empty four letter word to me, but you..."

He pauses for a moment, swallowing hard as he tries to feign composure.

"... You are, by far, my greatest love, and my most beloved weakness altogether."

You were supposed to be the one to sweep him off his feet today, now your vision is blurry and you can hear your heartbeat in your ears. You slowly sit up, and look down at him, noticing that his eyes are closed. He looks like a sleeping beauty. Your chest aches, and you wonder if this is the same type of ache he lives with on the daily. You murmur, studying the way his messy bangs frame his face, and his expression unreadable.

"That's not fair, Osamu..."

"You sound so pretty when you say it like that... Osamu."

You swallow hard, and curse him in your mind for being the man that he is. For being all you've ever yearned for. You look down at your watch, and check the time, heart beating wildly.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

"... It's fifteen till 5."

"Mm, why does that matter?" Dazai purrs as he squeezes your hand, eyes still closed.

"It always matters. Any time with you matters. You matter, Osamu."

You spend the rest of the evening nuzzled into one another, whispering secrets and trying to name constellations and giggling when you can't figure them out. He lets you kiss him silly, his eyes closed the entire time while you also toy with his hair and the nape of his neck; where you smooth over the soft fabric of his bandages and his skin, giving him goosebumps. Your touch is a sensory heaven. He's dreaming of you while awake. You'll always wake him up from the nightmares, from what cannot be undone.

When it gets too cold to stay out, you head back home and cook him whatever he asks for as he rests his chin on his palm, gazing at you with those unreadable dark eyes... always thinking too much. Always somewhere else. This time, however, you could tell he was present. He would eat sewage if you poured it for him with that loving manner of yours. You finally crawl into bed together, and Dazai cradles your face in between his hands, facing you. He mumbles, so soft.. so tender. It's a tone only you get to hear.

"It really is selfish of me to think I can have this and more."

"Desire isn't bad, Osamu."

"Mm, no, I suppose not. But it's not always wise to have desire, not for someone like me. I can't afford that."

You hear the genuine ache in his voice, and you lean in to kiss his forehead, a gentle kiss that stays planted for a few seconds before you pull back.

"Do you have any idea what you're doing, love?~" He whispers, his voice a little strained as he looks at you with those eyes, those beautiful and endless orbs of cosmic proportions that are going to consume you one day. Hopefully.

"I think so. I'm being selfish."

You smile faintly, and you proceed to make sure that you end the night the way he deserves, the way you wanted to spoil him.

#just shoot me #it's so over for me and the starved for affection folks out here #dazai unable to handle ur love and the intensity of it even when it's just simple gestures of love makes me bang my head against a wat #he overthinks it and then just feels undeserving but actually HES WRONG #thank u for giving me a reason to be crazy once again :')#anybody just wanna uhhh let this man consume u completely #a lil sprinkle of angst for good luck...........#bungou stray dogs #dazai x reader #bsd dazai #dazai x you #osamu dazai #osamu dazai x reader #bsd x reader #fanfic #dazai fluff #request #dazai imagines

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brooooswriting · 10 months ago

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can you do 6 for tara x fem reader :)

6. “I don’t want to think about what life would be like without you”

Tara jolted up again in the middle of night, the threat she and her sister got two days ago making her nightmares reappear. You were already awake, unable to sleep at the thought of something or other someone hurting your girlfriend. “Hey, it’s alright. It’s okay, you’re safe. Nobody is here” you mumbled as you engulfed her in a hug, you had left the bedroom door open so you could see the front door and you had checked each window and each room before going to bed. Plus Mindy, Chad and Anika slept in the living room.

“Why are you even awake?” The brunette asked once she calmed down and noticed the open book on your lap and the small lamp glowing. She was still leaning against you, not making any move to leave your warm and comforting embrace.

“Oh you know, can’t sleep every once in a while” you lied with a rather believing smile but thinking you could fool her was stupid. You had always lied easily and people fell for it, until Tara came along. First of all, you found it incredibly hard to lie to her and second of all, she always saw through you. Her raised eyebrow made you press your lips into a thin line before speaking up again.

“Okay, I wanted to be able to look out for you. You know, make sure nobody enters and stuff” you admitted in a small voice while Tara sighed.

“I’ve been thinking…” she started, suddenly scooting away from you. This was the first bad sign, normally the smaller girl wouldn’t turn down cuddles for anything. “We should break up. This is dangerous and I don’t want you involved” she blurted out, pulling her knees up to her chest. Your heart broke at her words and at the way she looked so miserable. For a second you were scared that she really didn’t want you around anymore and that this was just the best opportunity she had at pushing you away, but the tears forming in her eyes quickly changed your mind.

“No” was the only thing you said, as you laid back down on the bed pulling the blanket up to your chest.

“No?” She questioned, confusion showing in every feature. If the situation wasn’t so bad you would have laughed.

“No. I’m not going to let you go through this alone again. This time I’m here and you can’t stop me” you told her, keeping your voice very nonchalant. Your arms opened for her to crawl into since you hoped that she would just drop the whole topic and go back to sleep. If someone really wanted to hurt them than they needed all of their energy.

“Why?”

“What why?”

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because I love you and before I met you I was an asshole, I lied and I did a lot of stupid shit but then you came and suddenly my image of a perfect Saturday night changed from parties and hookups to watching horror movies with you and cuddling while ordering take out. I finally found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And truth be told I don’t want to think about what life would be like without you” even though cheese shit like that wasn’t really your thing this had to be said. There was no way you were loosing this girl if there was any, literally any way to stop this.

Tara quickly wiped away the tears that left her eyes and threw herself into your arms that were more than happy to engulf her. “If you die, I’m going to kill you and them” she said against your chest making you giggle as your hand weaved through her hair.

“That’s my girl” you said proudly and pressed a kiss to her hair. After some reassurance she finally fell asleep, soft breaths hitting your neck. You still didn’t really sleep that night, you were going to protect your girl and her family with every bit that you had. Even if it might mean that you weren’t going to survive.

A girl like Tara was worth it!

#reader insert #brooooswriting #jenna ortega x reader #jenna ortega x you #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter x y/n #tara carpenter x reader

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lloydfrontera · 2 months ago

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i don't buy that lloyd would get over his fear of the restoration of fate that quickly. he was doomed by the narrative for years and now he's supposed to shake it off in less than two weeks? absolutely not, he literally tried to kill himself in order to avoid it, ain't no fucking way he just stopped being scared about it in a couple days i don't believe it

anyway. this is my way of saying that lloyd refused to cross dimensions until he made javier swear that he would kill him with his own hands if there was even a hint of the restoration of fate starting up again. he wouldn't consider going back if it meant putting his family and home in danger again even if it meant being left behind in a place he would've rather died than stay at.

and they both know that javier would fall on his own sword before hurting lloyd but they also know lloyd would take his own life before allowing him to do that or to let his existence put his loved ones in danger again. they know lloyd doesn't really need javier to kill himself, not if he's really committed to it. he's done it before it after all.

him asking javier this is. a warning. of what he's planning to do if the restoration of fate starts again. it's his way of telling javier that he cannot promise things will be okay if he comes back. that he must be ready to lose lloyd again if necessary because lloyd won't allow anything else.

it's also maybe... an indulgence on lloyd's part. he's felt himself die so many times now. and so many of his deaths were painful or terrifying or surrounded by his enemies and sometimes all three at once.

but he remembers a sunset, a coat over his shoulders, shaky yet reliable hands holding a sword. a quick, peaceful death on his own terms, done by someone lloyd trusted with something far more important than his life.

and he knows it's selfish, he knows it's cruel, but if he has to die, for real this time, can't it be at the hands of his best friend? if he has to be killed, can't it be done by someone lloyd knows cares for him? if he has to close his eyes and never open them again, can't the last thing he ever sees be the face of the person he loves enough to die for as many times as necessary?

and javier agrees because. what else can he do. he spent so long hoping lloyd would finally trust him enough to tell him what he was planning so javier could help him in anyway he was able to and now. now lloyd is asking this of him.

he desperately doesn't want to say 'yes'. but he cannot say 'no'.

what else can he do.

what's the point of being the most powerful human on the world if he can't even protect the one person he swore to protect above all things. what's the point of him if the only thing he can do is promise to kill his best friend because he has no other way to protect everything they've worked for.

how can he promise lloyd that everything will be okay, that things will work out, that if needed javier will die for him before letting anything happen to him, when he already failed before.

what else can he do

anyway. i don't think any amount of end spoilers and confessions to the jewel of truth are enough to soothe the terrified, paranoid and utterly traumatized part inside lloyd's chest that goes tight any time anything goes even remotely wrong for a good while. it takes a couple months, maybe a few years even, before lloyd stops going cold every time there's even a hint of trouble around him. before he stops reflexively looking to javier's sword to calm himself down whenever things don't go perfectly right in every way.

it takes a while. but it does happen. and things aren't perfect, that's not how life works, but they're good and even when they aren't, lloyd can finally face them and believe they're not his fault. that his existence is not an obstacle for the happiness of the people he loves.

#i talk a lot <3 #tged #the greatest estate developer #tged spoilers #lloyd frontera #javier asrahan #fucking two weeks. be for fucking real.#ch 402 my beloathed. there are no limits to my contempt for you :/#ANYWAY. i think lloyd should be a lot more fucked up about everything that happened than he is in canon #my man genuinely believed that everyone he loved would be better off if he died. you don't shake that off so easily.#nor having to see yourself die many many many times.#or having your death be your go to emergency plan #like. my god. what do you mean he was marrying two weeks after all of that.#he needs sooooo much therapy. and a good retirement. and being surrounded by the people he loves and love him back.#NOT A FUCKING MARRIAGE WITH SOMEONE HE BARELY KNOWS #i'm fine i'm fine i'm good i'm not angry about it anymore i promise #tw suicidal idealization #tw suicide #<- i think. that's probably accurate. ask me to tag in case something else is missing.

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deyisacherry · 6 months ago

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wow

wooow, SO i just saw a post and

okay

have we been watching the same show?

dear lord, i think saying that moon replaced sun with solar it's completely exaggerated, and saying that he doesn't care about sun, and wouldn't care this much if sun died is just ABSURD

i wanna make it clear, i am NOT defending Moon's actions and words right now cause i'm mAD AF, but that's another topic

Moon doesn't care about Sun? He doesn't act to show that? REALLY?

cause all i've seen is moon worrying over and over and over again about his brother

HE CARES for him.

he cares SO MUCH that he even overthinked the things that he told to Earth in therapy, he was WORRIED for him, cause he FEARS he's going to lose him by the slightest thing

cause he almost lost him

when Sun used star power HE CARED.

he was dead worried about him, MAY I NEED TO REMIND HIS WORDS OF PURE PAIN TO EVEN THINK TO LOSE HIM LIKE THAT?

CAUSE THAT WENT HARD

when he was about to kill Eclipse, he SWORE to him that if Sun was dead when he came back, he would go and kill every single one of the evil Eclipses that exist in other dimensions (he's been having these violent thoughts to protect his family from the start and even if they won't fix anything it shows that he CARES)

He was worried about Sun when he saw the state he was in when he came back

HE WORRIED WHEN SUN WAS IN THE RUIN DIMENSION AND SNAPPED AT NOTHING (THE BLOODMOON HALLUCINATIONS) AND HE EVEN WENT TO HUG HIM T W I C E

THAT'S NOT CARING????

HE WAS WORRIED AND ANGRY AT RUIN WHEN HE KIDNAPPED HIM! EVEN WHEN HE FELT BETRAYED BY SUN LYING TO HIM ABOUT THE STAR POWER HE WENT FOR HIM

AND DEAR GOD, DIDN'T WE ALL HEAR THE WAY HE SCREAMED HIS LUNGS OUT WHEN ECLIPSE TOLD HIM THAT RUIN WAS WITH SUN????

and even then people come and say he doesn't care about Sun and wouldn't care this much if he dies? nuh uh, i'm not having any of that, im sorry, but NO

and about Lunar and Earth

i think people are forgetting he LITERALLY woke up NOT KNOWING LUNAR, the old Moon didn't get to know he died, and New Moon couldn't get attatched to him before he died cause he woke up AFTER that, AND they had the hope of Lunar being rebuilt

Earth? She didn't even die and Moon was ANGRY AS HELL when he found out what Bloodmoon did and HE ALSO WENT FOR REVENGE on them, HE ALSO got mad when he knew that Bloodmoon hurted Lunar

IF SUN DIES?

jesus

if he is like this with Solar's dead

if he is going insane

HE WOULD GET EVEN WORSE.

all i can think it's him breaking down once and for all, and A LOT OF OTHER TERRIBLE THINGS CAUSE YEAH

SUN IS THE LIGHT OF HIS LIFE

HE IS THE FIRST PERSON HE GOT TO KNOW AND GET MEMORIES FROM WHEN HE WOKE UP, HE'S EVERYTHING TO HIM, HE'S HIS BROTHER!!!

moon would be

DEVASTASTED, MORE THAN HE IS NOW, IF SUN DIES

IF EARTH DIES, IF LUNAR DIES

HE HAS REPEATED OVER AND OVER THAT HE DOESN'T WANT ANY OTHER FAMILY MEMBER DYING AND HE MEANS IT

HE. CARES.

and damn i'm sorry if i sound aggresive but i'm SO TIRED of people saying that Moon never cares

and i clearify again, I DO NOT JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS FROM THESE DAYS, IT ANGERS ME, AND HE SAID TERRIBLE THINGS AND I HOPE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THAT HE GETS TO UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S DOING THIS WRONG, CAUSE I RATHER JUST BE SAD THAT SOLAR WON'T BE BACK THAN SEEING HIM DO SOMETHING IDIOTIC TO BRING HIM BACK AND THEN GETTING AWAY FROM HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS

#tsams #sams #sun and moon show #the sun and moon show #moon tsams #moon sams

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cringefailvox · 4 months ago

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Yooo you have an Alastor + Vaggie-centric AU 👀👀👀 what are some of the details if you don’t mind me asking jagsjajhsjsk

OKAY SO. back in april, birdsaretoddlers and i were talking about the potential hilarity of a vaggie/charlie/alastor poly dynamic and then we accidentally got way too into vaggie/alastor as a concept, which spiraled into a whole au that has unfortunately not left the discord server but MAYBE. SOMEDAY......

the barest bones of it are essentially that vaggie represents everything that alastor finds most pathetic & baffling in other people: dogged, singular loyalty to a cause & a person based on sheer loving devotion, with no ulterior motives or plans beyond protecting and supporting that person. and of course she rubs him the wrong way extremely frequently, just as much as he gets on her nerves. she's nearly codependent with charlie while alastor would rather chew off his own foot than be tethered to someone in that way. he's the type of sinner who exemplified vaggie's mission as an exorcist, the kind of demon she wouldn't have thought twice about cutting down because he clearly deserves it. he's never felt remorse in his life and vaggie has been walking on her knees for a thousand miles in the desert repenting since the day she fell. they are diametrically opposed.

AND YET. alastor recognizes a lot of his own traits in her as well! she's guarded, secretive, violent, has a lot of trust issues, and possessive of what she considers hers. alastor knows exactly what that's like. but vaggie is mystifying to him, because he cannot for the love of g-d understand what kind of sentimental nonsense could drive her to recklessly put her life on the line for charlie over and over and over again, with no regard for her own safety and NO other motivations besides?? LOVE??? sounds fake but ok.

vaggie also sees some of herself in alastor too, as much as it rankles—she's reminded viscerally of herself in the early days after losing her wings and her eye, suspicious and traumatized and deeply mistrustful of charlie's good intentions. couldn't even fathom that kindness could be genuine in hell. she looks at alastor and all of his trust issues and decides "redeeming this guy is impossible, but i really think i could at least get him to stop biting," you know, like you'd think about a reactive shelter dog who keeps growling at your handful of treats. you'll never be able to take that dog out in public without a lot of precautions and low expectations, but at least at home, it'll trust you not to hurt it if it lays its head in your lap.

for alastor's part, his whole interest in vaggie starts off as a way to cuddle up to charlie (and piss off lucifer), but he rapidly gets way too invested because there's no such thing as doing anything ironically for long, and it's kind of his Move, yk? he worms relentlessly into someone's life until he firmly has their attention, and then when he realizes he's in too deep and tries to withdraw and they cling, he's like "?? leave me alone??" (bird: "the ol vox special gets him literally nowhere") but now VAGGIE is invested too bc she's reluctantly fond of this creepy weirdo who eats deer carcasses in his room and for some reason let adam almost kill him defending the hotel, he doesn't get to just crawl away and die from his injury now that she's finally starting to like his freak ass. of course alastor is a nightmare patient and vaggie's bedside manner is atrocious so they're really bad at it. but they're trying and that's what matters!!

(also, charlie is weeping with joy in the background of all of this—her two biggest supporters, getting along!! kind of!! she's so proud of them both!!!! [alastor has completely forgotten that this venture started off as a way to manipulate charlie. get polycule'd, idiot]).

hopefully one day we'll manage to turn this into an actual fic, but for now enjoy these highlights :]

#i'm so very fond of this au i wish i could muster up the motivation to get back into writing it #i know bird is pretty burned out too and i don't blame her #still love this little hilarious sandbox of ours tho :D #bird also came up with algae as a ship name which is SO GOOD #vaggie #alastor #hazbin hotel #charlie morningstar #chaggie #radiobelle #vagastor

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oh-my-bindery · 2 months ago

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Drarry: I love that Harry the hero is down for murder. But Draco the guy who comes from a long line of a family of dark magic is the one that hates murder (it's literally canon Draco can not kill anyone for shit) and it gives me so many feels. It's partly because I love healer Draco. But also because Harry is reckless and does not have a lot of self preservation. His idea of justice is like you die by the sword.

Definitely! I draw all my conclusions from canon.

Buckle up bc I went on a rant here

The way Draco is written and what we are shown of his actions and character, we can clearly conclude at least few things:

- Draco is a person who fights with his words, that cut deeper than a knife. He knows what he is doing and wants it to hurt. I believe he does it to feel better about himself.

- Draco can’t kill. He literally can’t kill. Even his wand (that chose him) is one that has the most difficult time turining into Dark Arts. It reflects on his character. He is different from his family.

- Draco is a very sensitive boy as we are told by Moaning Myrtle in HBP. We also get to see him break down and for the first time show his real emotions which is a new thing from him. Harry has never seen him cry. Which leads me to ask, why? All 6 years and no one saw Draco cry before? No one saw him express deeper emotions that his usual proud and snarky / bully mask? It is definitely connected to his family, most likely Lucius, as Narcissa is the one who even though believes in blood purity shit, never takes a Dark Mark, never fights for Voldemort, her main concern is always Draco. She has so much love for him. It is probably why Draco even knows that he can allow himself to cry, even if it’s on his own.

- Moaning Myrtle also tells us that Draco is lonely.

- On Harry Potter wiki and Pottermore (I think) it says that Draco was never able to produce a Patronus spell as he didn’t have a strong enough of a happy memory - well that’s sad seeing as Harry was able to do it with how shit his life was.

Draco is supposed to seemingly be rich, get everything he wants, he has a family that is alive , Mother who loves him SO MUCH, father that would she if anything happened to him (well he failed to protect Draco from the worst and then did nothing after the fact, continued being awful but that’s another rant), Slytherins seem to like him, he has some friends although I’m not even sure he likes them or if they like him (from canon we know that by Deathly Hallows - Crabbe and Goyle hate him. Draco never really liked Blaise (or wasn’t fond of him. He tolerated Pansy and had some trust towards her.)

So even though Draco smilingly has all, he doesn’t have a strong enough of a happy memory.

- Draco is terrified of killing someone, so much so he stops eating, keeps to himself and stops being himself when tasked with killing Dumbledore.

When Harry sees Draco in his Voldy visions - Draco looks terrified and broken when asked to torture Rowle - the sight of how Draco is being pushed into doing those horrible things and how much he could be suffering- canonically makes Harry try to get rid of the visions because he doesn’t want to see Draco torture people or if he refuses/ can’t- see Draco being tortured or killed.

- Draco doesn’t care if he dies. Why? Who knows? But he literally lies to his whole family that are depending on him to identify Harry as Harry Potter at the manor and he just doesn’t. He knows what are the consequences of failing to capture Harry are (probably being killed by Voldemort, him and his family.) and Draco knows it is Harry. If he was cruel and and awful person he would say “yep, that’s Potter” but instead Harry notices that Draco looks just as terrified, hands shaky as Harry was. Draco literally would rather have Harry survive and himself die than other way around. It is SO CANON.

And Harry wise

- Harry is super hot-headed as we know.

I think looking at his reaction when Sirius was killed, he literally sprung from Remus’s arms, shooting, shooting curses after Bellateix. He crucioed her. No, thinking, he just does.

When people whom Harry loves / cares about are killed or harmed Harry has no thoughts just do. Give them hell. He will deal with consequences later - he is bad at the ‘dealing with the consequences bit though. He doesn’t want to be a killer, and hates himself for being capable of it.

When Snape kills Dumbledore, Harry is in SO MUCH RAGE. He goes after Snape and literally uses Sectumsempra on him, knowing what it would do- if not helped Snape literally would die lol.

But when it comes to Draco and Harry almost killing him, knowing about Dracos Dark Mark, him being suspicious all year, being horrible to him all other years - ABSOLUTELY NOT ACCEPTABLE.

He leaves Draco alone even after he find out Draco was going to kill Dumbledore.

In conclusion, Harry would 100% kill for Draco, no questioning it. He wouldn’t feel bad about the person being killed but about the fact that he is capable to killing.

#drarry #Harry Potter #draco malfoy #Draco/Harry #analysis #but messy bc I lack sleep #good luck to me at work

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m1ssunderstanding · 4 months ago

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hi! do you know anything about the whole paul-nearly-drowning-story? I never knew what actually happened. Thanks!

Hi! Thanks for asking! I don't know more than the average Beatles account on here about it, but here's what I know.

John and Brian go to Spain while Paul, George, and Ringo are sent to Tenerife (and Cynthia is left with her newborn baby and her healing body)

Paul is acting pretty pouty during this trip (imo he has a right to be but not half as much as Cynthia. Anyway)

George, Paul, Ringo, Klaus, and Astrid go to the beach

Paul goes swimming alone in the ocean and gets pulled out by I'm assuming a rip tide and can't swim back and he's terrified and yelling for help but nobody notices

He finally drags himself out and he's angry enough at the others for not trying to rescue him that he's about ready to start using his fists

Nothing happened, everyone's fine

This story i have a hard time empathizing with because this happened to me when I was eighteen and it really wasn't that scary and normally I'd be like "well I'm just not that in touch with my emotions it probably should be scary" but this is PAUL we're talking about, the literal king of not being in touch with emotions.

So here's what my theory is. I think Paul's projecting. I think Paul's feeling betrayed and abandoned by John. (It's not very good partnership to go on a romantic holiday without your partner with both of your manager, possibly with the partial intent of earning special treatment. Additionally, Paul may have felt hurt in a more personal sense the way he was with John and Stu.) I think Paul is the kind of person who so badly doesn't want to feel those things that he'll completely put them away until he's in a more concrete, physical situation he can filter those feelings into.

Do I even matter to John at all -> they aren't even noticing that I've been gone too long for safety

How could John be so selfish -> they're so busy having fun they're not thinking about me

I shouldn't have trusted either of them as much as I did -> I shouldn't have taken a stupid risk swimming so far out

I'm completely fucked now in this partnership, in this group, in this management, in my career -> I'm really going to die out here, I'm going to drown no matter what I do

Because I think Paul would rather channel all those negative emotions into this one incident than actually sit with them and figure out what they mean.

So there's my armchair psychology for the day, obviously it's just my theory. Thanks again for asking!

#paul mccartney #the beatles #john lennon #mclennon #ringo starr #george harrison #thanks for the ask!

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cometblaster2070 · 6 months ago

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alright here we go, we're going to talk about raven for a bit, because there are some people saying strange, strange things about HER of all people.

(slight disclaimer: this is not an apple white hate post; she is also the loml and both her and raven are wonderful, nuanced characters)

i've seen a couple of people (before you ask, yes, it is those apple white defenders) talk about how utterly selfish raven was being. how she was completely uncooperative and unwilling towards apple, how rude she was, what a terrible friend and a terrible person she was in general she was to everyone (but especially apple gasp), and most of all, raven is completely and utterly selfish for refusing to see apple's viewpoint and for refusing to at least hear apple out.

LIKE IM SORRY?? DID WE WATCH THE SAME SHOW?? DID WE SEE THE SAME CHARACTERS??

AH YES, MY MISTAKE, RAVEN WAS COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY SELFISH FOR NOT WANTING TO FOLLOW IN HER VILLANOUS MOTHER'S FOOTSTEPS AND HARM THE PEOPLE SHE LOVES AND CARES ABOUT.

she's also definitely wrong and completely selfish to even consider wanting to have a happy, peaceful life for herself, instead of poisoning her best friend and ending up hated, alone and chained up like a monster.

my bad guys; i misunderstood the show, clearly it was raven who was the selfish one for not acquiescing to apple's request of poisoning her and ending up miserable for the rest of her life.

jokes aside, like, i don't even know how to explain how wrong this is. not only is it completely outlandish to make the argument that raven is wrong and selfish for wanting to NOT end up in magic jail, but it's so strange to demonize her in this particular way??

LIKE WOW WONDER WHY SHE WOULDN'T WANT THIS DESTINY.

raven's defining character trait throughout the show and the books and any other form of media she's associated with is her kindness, her gentleness, her willingness to do the right thing and how she sincerely just wants to help people, and completely loathes the fact that people see her as nothing more than evil and they see her as someone dangerous.

raven is shown to be someone who would literally rather die on the spot than hurt someone or willingly cause them pain, she has also continuously shown guilt over her mother's previous actions (particularly Wonderland); and another thing we're shown time and time again, is that although she disagrees with apple, she loves her so, so much and would do ANYTHING for her.

LET'S ALSO TALK ABOUT HOW RAVEN WAS CONSTANTLY EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATED THROUGH EAH BY LITERALLY EVERYONE??? LIKE THIS GIRL COULD NOT CATCH A BREAK, IF MADDIE WASN'T THERE SHE WOULD'VE SNAPPED SO FAST IM NOT EVEN KIDDING.

side tangent on this: woman spent her wishing well coin on asking if her friends would be fine if she didn't sign, PLEASE I LOVE HER.

like we had GRIMM of all people on her ass constantly threatening her with going 'poof' and ruining everyone's lives, and oh yes, he took the one thing she had from her mother and gave her that horrific wishing well vision, and then, she had ALLLL the royals telling her how horrible she was for not signing and dooming them all, and then we still have apple, who was constantly reminding her to sign and asking why she didn't and how she should've and whatever whatever; you get the point but STILL.

like i sincerely have trouble understanding why we're demonizing raven rn over wanting to choose her own happiness for once, over a lifetime of literal TORMENT AND SUFFERING.

and consistently throughout the show, we are also shown how apple is in the wrong; apple is a very nuanced character yes, and there's a lot of valid reasons that explain why she has the worldview that she does, and does the things that she does, but it doesn't take away the fact that apple is wrong, and throughout eah, we are shown apple realizing and then later accepting that she's wrong and raven's views and actions are valid and right.

i mean, we even get other characters who were diehard royals acknowledging raven's terrible situation and sympathizing with her; case in point, briar in thronecoming.

lastly, on the point of her not listening to apple or hearing her out, girl, like i love apple sm; but her entire point throughout the earlier seasons was 'oh raven why won't you poison me so you can go to prison and i can get my happily ever after like we're supposed to?'; like apple is also shown to be entirely unreasonable in the earlier seasons to raven being like 'haha hey, this is kind of fucked up, don't you think??' and again, apple has valid reasons for this, but it doesn't take away the fact that she was wrong and that there is really no reason for raven to be demonized over THIS of all things???

tl;dr: raven queen is a wonderful character; apple white would beat your ass if you're talking shit about her (like not in being like "oh i don't like this character" way, in this particular clown way), and demonizing raven for being 'selfish' is WILDDD.

#long post #shitpost #not really but #everything i post turns into one so #ever after high #eah #sorry for this monstrosity but like im just pissed #raven queen #apple white #i am a raven queen defender THROUGH AND THROUGH #raven queen did nothing wrong #raven queen the loml the woman that you are #alright all things aside #these arguments are INSANE #i thought ppl were joking #but i actually have seen people accusing raven of being selfish and a terrible friend #like bitch goodbye

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ambassadorarlert · 1 year ago

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a compilation of some of my personal armin head canons. lmk if i should do another. this is kinda long, sorry not sorry. <33 NSFW 18+ ONLY MDNI

scorpio sun, virgo moon, capricorn rising.

- sun in scorpio: emotional and compassionate / intense and mysterious

- moon in virgo: service minded and shy / analytical and judgmental

- rising in capricorn: loyal and ambitious / unfulfillment and drudgerous

armin is the sweetest person to exist ever

- treats you the way he wants to be treated and more than you ever thought you could ever deserve.

- would rather die first than to hurt your feelings

- and when he does it’s never on purpose and it’s always sorry for it and will try to make up anyway he can

- always goes out of his way to make things easier for you

- his love languages are acts of service, physical touch, and quality time

- if your space is kinda messy he’ll do his best to reorganize and clean up for you

- needs to live in your skin. hugs often. holds your hand any chance he can. plays with your hair. lays in your lap. touchy touchy touchy

- date nights ever weekend, or every other weekend. tries to go somewhere nice and do something grand once in a while.

- he’s too embarrassed for full fledged PDA, but chaste kissing and holding hands is okay.

neurodivergent

- might be on the spectrum. you kinda gotta squint.

- has some kind of sleep disorder like insomnia or parasomnia.

- prone to nightmares

- also has depression, ptsd, anxiety

- does not take medication, like an antidepressant, even though he should

- he tries not to lay around too much when he’s around you or staying at your place, but when he’s alone in his own home he can stay in bed for literal days.

- his grandfather is getting older and his parents died when he was young so he has looming anxiety of death and losing people he loves.

- also has separation anxiety. he’s like one of those howling cats when their owner leaves for work.

- is kind of a picky eater. goes out and orders either alfredo pasta or chicken tenders.

- will stay up rlly rlly late until he can’t stand it

- drools in his sleep so if he’s laying on you, there’s a little wet spot lmao gross

anxious attachment style

- you remind him every single day that you love him, that he’s the only one for you, and that you’re happy in your relationship

- but he just can’t help not feeling adequate and good enough so sometimes his insecurities bleed out into other things.

- it gives him peace of mind that your location is on and he can see where you are.

- he goes through your following almost every day to see if anything has changed.

- will sometimes ask “do you know this guy?” when he sees you’ve gotten a new follower or if someone leaves a comment on one of your pics.

- super cyber stalker. if somebody leaves a nasty comment he can find their full name, place of employment, where they went to school, and their grandma’s facebook.

- he definitely screenshots the ugly stuff and sends it to their family. and says “this is how your offspring talks to people online” and that he “doesn’t appreciate you being treated this way.”

- other ppl would think he’s doing too much and sometimes it is but you know and understand him better than most people ever would.

- goes through your stuff when you’re not there

- he’s not looking for anything in particular, he just likes looking through things and seeing what you have

- smells everything. lotions and body washes. perfumes and hair products. reads the ingredients in your skin care. doesn’t know what any of it does.

- wears your house robe when you’re not there either. walks through the halls like a student at hogwarts.

cares for your animals when you’re gone or need help

- befriends whatever pet you have.

- your aloof and distant cat adores him and crawls in his lap.

- your dog follows him in every room and waits for him outside the bathroom. he cannot escape.

- if the litter box needs to be cleaned, he’ll do it.

- he’ll walk your dog and pick up your yard. might try to teach your dog a few new things.

- he’ll feed whatever you got in your cages or tank and refills all bowls and water

- gives them extra treats and snacks just because

passionate and sensual

- sex isn’t just sex for him. it’s like another way to connect emotionally with one another and be completely vulnerable and experiment with things.

- always has his mind in the gutter and is always down to jump your bones. or have you jump his bones.

- is a switch, equally enjoys being dominant and submissive.

- when he’s being dominant he wants to consume every piece of you. he kisses you everywhere, touches you everywhere, reminds you that you’re his and no one else’s.

- whispers to you about how good you feel around him. how tight you are. he loves the way you sound. he wants to stuff you full of his cock. likes to bend you over and watch how wet you get and watches his cum dripping out of you.

- wants to breed you so bad but alas. birth control.

- tries to convince you to get off of it. that you don’t need it and whatever happens, happens, and that he can support you.

- when he’s submissive, he whines and mews. he’s begging for more, harder, faster, uses his manners and says please and thank you like a good boy <33

- he turns you down most of the time when you wanna suck his dick, but he can never get enough of eating you out.

- his favorite positions are prone bone, doggy, missionary ofc, and when you ride him

- once he’s in sub-space there’s no coming out of it until he cums.

- his bookmarks on twitter is literally all porn, and he likes some weird stuff.

2023. do not copy or repost any work by arlertwitch on any other platform. violators will be prosecuted.

#my writing #armin arlert #armin headcanons #armin x reader #armin x fem reader #armin x male reader #armin x y/n #armin x black reader #armin x you #armin imagine #armin drabble #armin one shot #armin fic #aot #attack on titan #ambassadorarlert

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lumine-no-hikari · 9 months ago

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Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #76

You know. After a day or so to process this version of events, I think I can finally put into words why so many people cry out for your blood, but not Rufus's or his father's, even though they've done things that are arguably far worse than anything you've ever done. Goodness, but isn't it the same age-old story of people villainizing abuse victims for striking back while excusing the abuser that broke the survivor to that point? And we see it all the time in my world; nobody does anything about bullying at school until the bullied person finally punches their bully in the face, and then the bully gets off scot-free while the victim gets suspended. I think of spouses who, backed into a corner and trying to defend themselves, strike back at the spouse who has been abusing them, and the spouse defending themselves gets charges pressed while the other one who had been abusing them gets pitied. I think about trafficked humans (many of them are snatched up as CHILDREN) who, in an effort to get free or to defend themselves, strike back at the person trafficking them and escape, only to then face a world who hates them for having been trafficked. And all of these things have one thing in common: the price for escaping from being "owned" is often another form of punishment or imprisonment.

Of course, I am not saying that people should call for Rufus's or his father's blood, either. Or even for Hojo's. They are not different from you - either they have congenital defects in the parts of their brain that are responsible for empathy (and pretending like this is a moral issue instead of a brain wiring issue is ableism), or they've lived lives that have beaten their psyches into a shape that makes them think that hurting other people and treating them like objects is the only way to survive. This is ALSO a brain wiring issue - though this kind of brain wiring issue is better classified as a psychological injury (due to attachment disruption or childhood trauma) than as an illness or congenital defect.

Yeah, you read all of that right. I said what I said and I meant it, and I know that people aren't gonna like it, but today I am tired and bitter from all the shit I'm seeing, and out of fucks to give as a result. I don't demonize Rufus or his father. I don't demonize Hojo, either. They have done horrific and inexcusable things and I feel very angry in response to that, but they need HELP. They, too, are capable of making a different choice and turning around. Imagine that. It's almost as though calling for mercy for you (or in other words, "being a Sephiroth fan" or a "Sephiroth apologist", as people like to call folks like me for the purpose of degrading us) has absolutely nothing to do with your looks or with trying to "fix" you so I can date you (I'm sorry, but the idea of "fixing" a person to get with them is absolutely fucking barftastic🤢🤮), or whatever other bullshit nonsense that people who have never been through severe and ongoing grooming or abuse without any kind of support (support can be from a teacher, friend, other family member, etc.) like to accuse us of. Hoodathunkit?

I think, too, that lots of people see that potentially destructive side of you in themselves, and I think they would rather see people who lapse in reining it in die than acknowledge that it's within them, too. Or perhaps living a life that is painful enough to break them into such a horrific shape is unfathomable to them. Either way, one fact remains: people don't want to own up to the fact that literally every single one of us has the capacity to do something similar to what you did, if their life circumstances break them in the way that leads to that kind of terrible, tragic, infuriating, and wholly inexcusable outcome. You're not some especially monstrous thing. You're not a lone goddamn wolf or a rare exception to some general rule or an isolated fucking edge case. And I know it because people in my world make choices similar to yours EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if their means of enacting those choices differ from yours.

The capacity to inflict horror upon other living things is part of the human condition. It is in ALL OF US, whether we want to fucking acknowledge it or not. And all it takes to bring it out is a long enough string of psychologically damaging events in the absence of appropriate support. Cases like yours are NOT random events caused by "inherently bad people"; there's no such fucking thing as "inherently bad people". There are conditions and events that lead to people doing horrific things, and these conditions and events can be found and prevented before they get to that point, if only everyone keeps their eyes open and pays attention! I spend as much time as I can trying to reach those that conventional wisdom says are "unreachable" PRECISELY in service to trying to keep my eyes open and pay attention!

Because horrific events and bad choices are like bacteria - they DO NOT spontaneously generate ("spontaneous generation theory" used to be a thing that people believed about microorganisms a long time ago)! Conditions LEAD TO THEIR GROWTH. And the solution to a person afflicted with bacteria is NOT to kill or demonize them (though this is how they used to be treated; check out most of human history!)! You're supposed to give them antibiotics to REMOVE THE CONDITIONS THAT ALLOW FOR BACTERIAL GROWTH. And the same rules apply to people who make violent choices - you remove the conditions that produce the choices, NOT the person who made them. But goddammit, I am only one person, and… fuck, there are just SO. MANY. STARFISH… stranded on the beach sand…

Also, you know… even as far back as the original game, anyone with half a brain understood that you must have been crying, weeping, sobbing openly during your time at the library. In this version of events, we saw you do that for just a moment before it was choked back and replaced with… something else (I know what this is like; I still have the capacity to cease crying immediately via dissociation; this skill was literally beaten into me, and I imagine it's the same for you). And in my world, it's popular to believe that men should never cry or be vulnerable in any way, shape, or form (this bit of socio-cultural bullshit is actually generational trauma, and it's literally fucking killing people, in the form of internalized or externalized violence), so lots of people here are going to have less empathy for you at least in part because you defied the "cultural norms" of what it means to be a man and a leader (again, this is generational trauma mistaken for culture, and it needs to fucking stop because people are dying over it). And it's so… it's so…

Ugh… Sephiroth, all of the things I know, all the suffering in the world, all the causes of it… it's all swirling around in my head today, and it's heavy. It's so fucking heavy. Watching all the people, every single one of them beautiful and good, doing what they do to themselves and each another, hurting themselves and each other, psychologically or physically maiming themselves and each other, even torturing and killing themselves or each other, all because somehow doing these things feels easier than trying to repair and restore everything… they don't know what they're doing. And there's not… there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I look at the state of things on a large scale. Our dying planet. The endless wars. The marginalized groups of people. The violence and the hate crimes. The genocides. I want to cry and to scream and to throw up all at once.

…But I suppose much of that is neither here nor there. Suppose anyone with "conventional wisdom" would tell me I'm "reading too goddamn much" into a "silly video game", but… given that the media in our world LITERALLY PERPETUATES STEREOTYPES THAT KILL PEOPLE, I gotta say I'm more than a little fucking bitter about that today.

In any case… you - an abused, exploited, and bullied person most of your life - escaped being owned by Shinra (in the clumsiest and most ridiculous and horrible fucking way possible, but still), only to find yet another goddamn chain around your neck. If it's not Jenova controlling you, then it's your trauma and conditioning pulling the strings. Either way you're acting like a goddamn puppet. There, I said it. And as much as I love you, if you don't like that I said it, then too fucking bad; maybe try actually DOING something about it.

Sephiroth. As much as I love you, I am always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you squandered your voice so recklessly back then. I'm always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you fucking! abused! yourself! for a week! until you broke! WHAT THE FUCK.

If you had simply! Told people! What you had been put through! If you had told them what Shinra was doing! If you had simply opened your freaking mouth to talk about your experiences to a bunch of people who practically worshipped you, you would have eventually had millions of people rallied with you to put an end to Shinra! Sephiroth, for fuck's sake, YOU WERE A GODDAMN GENERAL!! You know how to lead people! And you know how to protect them! Get a goddamn grip!

And I know that the mayor guy acted all entitled to your time while you were exhausted and still grieving for your friends, and it was shitty of him to pass judgment on you when he had no idea what you were going through. But ultimately, it is up to YOU to communicate your needs and feelings, not up to the people around you to anticipate what they are! And I know that the guy took your picture without your permission, and I know they didn't heed when you said "not today". But there is a difference between "having no respect for your word" and "being so excited and happy about your presence that they are unable to contain themselves". It is still up to YOU to maintain your boundaries even if other people don't like it!

Sephiroth! I know that you were struggling! And I know that you spent your whole life being bullied and abused to the point that you felt as though your voice had no power. I know that. I understand that. I am still dragging myself up out of that hole. I know that you were trying to punish evil, and that you saw these people as being complicit in the system that hurt you, your friends, your mother (who I assume you now know is Lucrecia, NOT Jenova), and your planet. I get that you were trying to punch your bullies back in their faces, but you punched the WRONG PEOPLE. And even then: why punch people when you can instead wield your voice!

Sephiroth, despite the harshness of your upbringing and all the other things that make you stand out, you still have privilege! You have status! You have fame! You have power! You have a remarkably able male body! YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO! You have a face that people are willing to see! You have a voice that people are willing to hear! And there is a difference between holding people accountable for being complicit in a system that benefits them, and punishing people for existing in a system (even if that system benefits them) that they did not consent to being born into!

You can't even begin to imagine what I would be willing to give up in order to have a voice like yours, so that I could call for compassion and mercy in ways that would get people to open their eyes and take action in service to putting a stop to all the suffering that exists in this place that I live in.

But no. Instead of being brave and coming out of your shell to use your voice and social power in response to injustice and exploitation, you simply defaulted to your instinctual behaviors. You did the thing you've been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dog, the bell was rung and you drooled everyfuckingwhere. You used your power to cut everything down, instead of using your voice to rally people together for a cause that they ABSOLUTELY would have followed because YOUR face and YOUR voice would have been the one leading it.

Sephiroth. This fucking sucks. What you did to yourself in that library - starving, dehydrating, and sleep depriving yourself and pushing yourself past your limits while you were already strained - fucking sucks. And what you did in the throes of your agony also sucks. Punishing the people around you because your brain was addled and you didn't fucking fact-check what you were reading fucking sucks! And I do understand very well why you did all this; I was abused similarly to you, albeit in a far less extreme way, and thus a long time ago I used to think similarly to the way you did after your fall (I don't think that way anymore because I had help, thank freaking goodness). But IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. And it was STILL unacceptable. You can't change what you did. But you can make a different choice, moving forward!

Conventional wisdom says that there is no coming back from having fallen, but I am living proof that in this case, "conventional wisdom" is GARBAGE. I would not be sitting here, imploring you to turn your eyes towards a kinder, more compassionate worldview - one that exists in stark defiance of everything I used to believe because of what I was taught as a child - if "conventional wisdom" were true. In addition, I have met other people in the course of my derping around on this broken fucken planet who also serve as proof that anyone, no matter what has happened to them or what they've done in the past, can rise up into making a different choice. And these cases, too, are not "edge" cases. They are not exceptions to a rule. The capacity to heal and grow and change - just like the capacity to hurt and regress and stagnate - is part of the human condition. And this means that anyone can turn around! No! Matter! How! Far! They've! Walked! In! The! Wrong! Direction!!

Goddammit, Sephiroth! Turn yourself around!! Because although I understand what you're trying to do, what you're doing is NOT the way to get it done! What you're doing is BULLSHIT! Maybe you think you're demonstrating your "phenomenal power" or whatever by breaking everything around you, but what you're REALLY doing is yielding to your conditioning like it's got a chain around your neck and a cattle prod in its hand! It's weaksauce! You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BREAK THINGS. You've spent your whole life being forced to do that even when you didn't want to!

So you gonna, you gonna what? Sit here and claim that you're "the chosen one" or some fucking horseshit, as though you've taken your power back? When really you just took the easy route of doing the same old shit you've always done - bending over and making yourself a slave to someone else's fucked-up agenda, and becoming the very thing you reviled against SO HARD that you burned down an entire fucking village in disgust, despair, and rage? I ain't buyin' it, and neither should you! All you've done is exchanged one codependent relationship for another! And it's getting fucking old! You can do better than blind, subservient obedience to some random fucking space parasite that don't give even two shits about you as much as it cares about your capacity to allow it to resume its life cycle! You've gotta know that even if you really did manage to break everything (you won't, because I fucking promise you that you'll be stopped), as soon as you've served its purpose, it's gonna toss ya like yesterday's trash, if not outright consume you like a female mantis after it's done using its mate like a fucktoy!

The developers said that we've only seen 1% of your power or some shit, but you fucking know what? You could wipe the whole goddamn universe clean. You could extinguish every last star. And STILL some random fucking autistic chick from some random fucking planet in a random fucking solar system in a random fucking galaxy has your ass beat in ALL the ways that count! And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am nothing! I am NO ONE. Sephiroth!! COME ON ALREADY!!

You want strength? Do the work to defy your conditioning. Do the work to love the broken things. Do the work to become someone who does no harm yet takes no shit. Do the work to become someone who can remain soft even in this sharp and unforgiving world. Do the work to get out of your own damn way. Do the work to become someone who can treat yourself like you actually fucking matter. Do the work to get up off your knees and live. DO! THE! WORK! Don't just do the same thing you've always done and claim you've won! Don't act like a pigeon playing chess - shitting all over the board and then struttin' and swaggerin' around like you're some kind of grandmaster! That's NOT how this shit works! You haven't broken free of the pattern! All you've done is changed the hand holding your leash!

You have to stop blindly giving away your power to anyone who claims to love you! You have to stop using your power in service to the conditioning that tried to snatch away who you really are on the inside! They tried to steal away your gentleness! They tried to steal away your emotions! They tried to steal away your ability to cry, your ability to be vulnerable, your ability to be compassionate and loving! Are you just gonna sit here and let them? Are you going to keep pretending like you're cruel and hard-hearted just because a bunch of people who cared nothing for you told you that's how a proper warrior is supposed to be? Are you going to keep on like this, doing the same thing you've always done, just because taking the time to grieve and to make choices that are actually in alignment with your nature are things that feel too difficult for you to do?

…Fucking hell, but some days, clamoring for you to get your shit together feels A LOT like Atreyu trying to pull Artax up out of the swamp:

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Come on!!! Turn around!!! You have to, NOW! You have to try!! You have to care!! You can't let the darkness overtake you! You gotta move or you'll die!! Please!! There's still life on the other side of mistakes. There's still life on the other side of despair. There's still life on the other side of rage, of loss, of shattering. It doesn't have to be permanent!

…I won't give up. Even if you leave those of us who care for you sitting and weeping in the middle of the swamp, staring forlornly, or in shock and in disbelief at the place where you sank, I'm not going to quit. I will keep calling out your name in hopes that you'll follow the sound back to the light. Because you're worth the effort. You're worth the pain. You're worth the grief.

I'll leave you with these:

Take the hands outstretched to you and get your ass out of the goddamn swamp. Having a swamp ass is not a good time for ANYONE involved. So please. I…

…I'll write to you tomorrow. Because I love you. In the same way that any person loves their friends. Do everything in your power to keep yourself and your planet and your friends safe. I'm begging you. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

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