#he needs sooooo much therapy. and a good retirement. and being surrounded by the people he loves and love him back.

[lloydfrontera]

i don't buy that lloyd would get over his fear of the restoration of fate that quickly. he was doomed by the narrative for years and now he's supposed to shake it off in less than two weeks? absolutely not, he literally tried to kill himself in order to avoid it, ain't no fucking way he just stopped being scared about it in a couple days i don't believe it

anyway. this is my way of saying that lloyd refused to cross dimensions until he made javier swear that he would kill him with his own hands if there was even a hint of the restoration of fate starting up again. he wouldn't consider going back if it meant putting his family and home in danger again even if it meant being left behind in a place he would've rather died than stay at.

and they both know that javier would fall on his own sword before hurting lloyd but they also know lloyd would take his own life before allowing him to do that or to let his existence put his loved ones in danger again. they know lloyd doesn't really need javier to kill himself, not if he's really committed to it. he's done it before it after all.

him asking javier this is. a warning. of what he's planning to do if the restoration of fate starts again. it's his way of telling javier that he cannot promise things will be okay if he comes back. that he must be ready to lose lloyd again if necessary because lloyd won't allow anything else.

it's also maybe... an indulgence on lloyd's part. he's felt himself die so many times now. and so many of his deaths were painful or terrifying or surrounded by his enemies and sometimes all three at once.

but he remembers a sunset, a coat over his shoulders, shaky yet reliable hands holding a sword. a quick, peaceful death on his own terms, done by someone lloyd trusted with something far more important than his life.

and he knows it's selfish, he knows it's cruel, but if he has to die, for real this time, can't it be at the hands of his best friend? if he has to be killed, can't it be done by someone lloyd knows cares for him? if he has to close his eyes and never open them again, can't the last thing he ever sees be the face of the person he loves enough to die for as many times as necessary?

and javier agrees because. what else can he do. he spent so long hoping lloyd would finally trust him enough to tell him what he was planning so javier could help him in anyway he was able to and now. now lloyd is asking this of him.

he desperately doesn't want to say 'yes'. but he cannot say 'no'.

what else can he do.

what's the point of being the most powerful human on the world if he can't even protect the one person he swore to protect above all things. what's the point of him if the only thing he can do is promise to kill his best friend because he has no other way to protect everything they've worked for.

how can he promise lloyd that everything will be okay, that things will work out, that if needed javier will die for him before letting anything happen to him, when he already failed before.

what else can he do

anyway. i don't think any amount of end spoilers and confessions to the jewel of truth are enough to soothe the terrified, paranoid and utterly traumatized part inside lloyd's chest that goes tight any time anything goes even remotely wrong for a good while. it takes a couple months, maybe a few years even, before lloyd stops going cold every time there's even a hint of trouble around him. before he stops reflexively looking to javier's sword to calm himself down whenever things don't go perfectly right in every way.

it takes a while. but it does happen. and things aren't perfect, that's not how life works, but they're good and even when they aren't, lloyd can finally face them and believe they're not his fault. that his existence is not an obstacle for the happiness of the people he loves.

[g0dtier]

tw for domestic violence i guess

sooooo i was raised by a mom who has worked in CPS longer than ive been alive, worked in a retirement home for a few years and i was in therapy from 14-23 and my therapists always joked about me being In On It because my experiences in being always surrounded by people working in (mental or physical) health care kind of rubbed off on me and formed me as a person

i dont know how to say this without sounding conceited and wholly unethical but i have a Knack for that sort of thing and its biting me in the ass because i work for a lot of old people who do not understand anything about the health care system and who notice very quickly that i do. i do not mind helping my clients with forms, talking to them about their frustrations etc but i am not educated nor trained enough to be in the situation i am in right now

im currently sort of involved in a domestic violence situation regarding one of my clients. since i live very close to her and see her once a week for work and she is able to see me on her own (as opposed to her contact person who she has to call because she lives further away and she doesnt really see her without her husband, aka abuser, being present) shes been leaning on me too much for me to be comfortable with it

so last wednesday she made it REALLY clear she needed to talk about something important. we dont talk about the situation when im there, usually i hint at needing to go to the supermarket (which she lives next to) after and she offers to join and we talk on the way there. but last wednesday she actually really, panickingly, pushed for me to let her bring some christmas decorations to my house. she does that because she needs to talk obviously, but she needed an excuse bc her husband was there. so i could not get it over my heart to say no, and also obviously i was worried as shit

the good news is that experts ARE looking at the case right now, in the sense that an actual psych eval is being done and her husband might end up being put in a retirement home as the abuse is coming from dementia. the bad news is that shes old as balls and does not understand anything about it. she does not understand that convincing me to take a picture of a trash bag which she swears is full of letters he stole from her does not in fact proof that there are letters in that bag nor that he stole them from her to the police. she does not understand why they cant just drag him out of their home without any solid proof or experts looking at the case

so at the moment i am juggling helping her in the ways i CAN ethically do (i am a carer, not a friend, so that puts me in a healthcare position, yet im not educated enough to actually be able to give her any therapy or anything so i have to really watch what i say. friends are allowed to try and influence her, i am not because i am still in a position of authority for her and also i realize how it would work against her) , explaining to her how the system works and trying to make it clear to her that she cannot lean on me as a primary support system. so saturday she called me to ask if i knew about the forms she needed to fill in yet, and also just because she wanted to inform me that her husband kicked the shit out of her and that she was in contact with the police. will hear more on wednesday

i genuinely think she just wants help and to cover all the possible bases where she thinks she can get it, so im gonna explain to her exactly how the system works and try to reassure her because shes so scared itll have to get to the point where he beats her within an inch of her life before the authorities do something. but ive also told her that i cannot in good conscience be her primary support system and that id find orgs or crisis help for her where she COULD get the support needed and that id explain how the system works to her in a way she could understand

im stressed, man. i neither have the training to be able to fully help her nor do i have the training to compartmentalize this whole situation for myself. im talking about it with the people i know in healthcare that are close to me and its being a big help but im thinking of maybe getting back into therapy. but finding a new therapist is gonna be rough