#the pull to move back is REAL
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Saltwater joys
#coming along the shore yesterday and man I’ve missed the east coast#it’s actually been a few years since I was here in the spring/summer#I’m usually just here over Christmas#the pull to move back is REAL#if only there were jobs#anyway#life
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#monogatari series#monogatari#monogatari oms#nademonogatari#nadeko draw#yotsugi ononoki#ononoki yotsugi#nadekodraw:tv#monogatariseries:gif#nadekkogif#ok i MUST go nuts about this somewhere so (cracks knuckles) tumblr tags let's go#first gif yotsugi is doing an attitude pirouette en dedans#second gif yotsugi is doing a demi rond de jambe á terre from fifth position#technically she’s dancing on pointe w/ her boot acting as a pointe shoe which is clever!!! her boots must have crazy foot articulation LOL#for context these are ballet moves which I LOVE!!! i am being catered to shaft looked at ME & said NADEKO DRAW HAS BALLET MOVES 4 U!!!#SO the real neat thing about this imo is the way that it is animated. probably done this way by the limitations of the animators timewise#for context in ballet a key thing when you dance is that your body should be constantly moving outwards from yourself e.g.#your arms reach as far as they can and your legs reach as far as they can etc. your back too! up and out like you are being pulled!!!#the point of this is bc dance is alive & humans who dance are alive! even when you hold a position you are thinking about moving outward#doing this breathes SO MUCH life into the dance! it is literally so important visually it makes a HUGE impact#but yotsugi doesn't do this! she doesn't breathe life into the dance bc she's not extending her body outward she simply holds a position#yotsugi is obviously very skilled to do what she's doing here like a pirouette is hard af you need crazy strength to go on pointe too#so imo she performs the moves in the correct way! she is turned out! she knows what she is doing! this is not due to lack of training!#my personal theory is that she moves this way because she is a reanimated corpse!!! she literally CANNOT dance like somebody who is alive!!#corpse baby is dancing her best and imo she's very good!!! 🥺#as a ballet enthusiast i just think it's a really neat lil touch and works well (despite the fact that it is probably accidental LOL)#anyway hi i'm noisy please enjoy my ballet ramblings lmfao! i will regif this when the BD comes out bc i want it to be extra pretty!!!#regarding the gifs. both first and second are loops!!! please enjoy ballet dancer yotsugi 🩰
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i want to sing so bad and i just CAN'T it's so frustrating
#it's like i can do everything i need to do individually but not all at once#and the more aware of it i get the less i can work around it#i have to pull my tongue all the back practically inside my throat just to release my diaphragm and get a real breath#and also keep it there to not have my neck tense up so much that i go flat when i move my tongue to pronounce words#but in that position im so tense in other places i really can't switch registers either#it's just driving me CRAZY#and I'm still like 2 months out from even getting to start working on correcting it#also i really need to go to the chiropractor again im going deaf every time i sing again
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i’m literally 80 hrs in to bg3 and i haven’t even started act 2 yet asdfghjkl
update: apparently it’s actually almost 85 hours 😅
#idk when i became obsessed with 100%ing stuff before moving on but here we are#*technically* i entered act 2 for like half a second#from grymforge#so i got the steam achievement for it#but then i immediately left and went back to act 1 to take the mountain pass#and go to the githyanki crèche#and it’s been 5 hours since then and i’m still there lmao#i’m starting to believe that act 2 isn’t real#it’s all some elaborate prank everyone’s pulled on me#it’s been like a week now where every single day i think#todays the day i get to act 2!#and then it doesn’t happen#AGAIN#i will update this with my playtime when i actually enter act 2 for real#wanna take bets on if it’s under or over 100 hours? asdfgjkllg#bg3#op
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#thinking of dinosaurs and troodontids were my favorite dinosaurs as a child#when younger i had a real full troodontid tooth fossil that meant a lot to me#for a time we lived within a few kilometers of hadrosaur sites and troodontid sites#while wider general area had many sites of recovery for the big celebrities like tyrannosaur and multiple dromaeosaurs#at that time troodontids were kinda infamous for i think the depiction in some childrens field guides and dino books#which depicted like a fantasy speculative humanoid troodontid based on 1980s model at Canadian Museum of Nature in ottawa#anyway would visit a small local paleo center a lot and woman in her 70s or 80s ran the counter of their center and rock shop#one day she asked me what my fave dino was and i said troodon so she pulled out the tooth and just gifted it to me#in little black case size of ring box with padding and transparent plastic viewing cover kinda like laminate for displaying a trading card#tooth got stolen from out my vehicle while giving some people a ride while at university before i got too poor for tuition#later during first year of pandemic owner of my storage unit died and new property owners threw away everything i ever owned#i was homeless anyway lost job due to early pandemic closures and had to allocate any money to insulin and other prescrip meds#but wouldve found a way to save my things if the new owners had contacted me#they threw out photoalbums y backpacking gear y books y musical instruments y clothes y artwork y camera y all family keepsakes#and all childhood treasures like souvenirs and gifts and school awards and writing portfolios and all the little memories#which i was always sentimental about as child#from earliest age my room looked like a natural history museum with plants and maps and library of field guides#and rocks and field trip keepsakes and all kinds of little animal figurines and mother had painted room in forest greens and browns#to feel like a forest and among the succulent plants and a globe sat the troodon tooth#parents passed when i was a child#never near any family and were always moving never got to settle into proper stable place then father passed after long sad illness#and mother put in so much effort but she passed few years later and i could not take care of myself or my remaining material possessions#and so im still quite hurt having nothing whatsoever remaining of my childhood or school friends or mother or life generally#and when trying to process grief my thoughts often come back to the troodontid tooth as a focal point a distillation of what was lost#even when young i knew it was advised not to become too connected to material physical possessions#but still there are some small little trinkets in our lives that seem to hold so much meaning and i tortured myself for losing that tooth#thinking about troodon reminds me of childhood
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Do I know you? Do I know you? Do I know you? (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#Damned#Helix#DAX#ZEX#The Captain#Dexter Favin#Max Vyer#Yeah if anywhere needed the distinction between Zelnick and Caleb it'd be here lol#Hhhhghghh I love iterative outcomes so muuuuuch#What matchups would result in what dynamics! And of seeing them play out! I want them all!!!!!#Three aliens is wonderful and delightful and endearing and cute and hwahuwahuh - I love them I love them I love the three of them#For all their little squabbles they really get along quite well! ZEX and Zelnick obviously hehe their relationship <3 <3#But ahh DAX <3 Happiness truly to have them all together ♥#Which makes what they'd be like if they were their ''real'' versions stuck together in the Institute post-Helix So fascinating to me#Would Caleb be angry! He's so sweet... But he was also hurt terribly! And Dexter would Definitely be angry#It really is such an interesting role reversal to me how ZEX is treated with so much respect and DAX follows him with such care#Switching to Dex and Max it's So different Max is ignored where he tries to move and affect and Dex is so - agh!!! It's just so much!#I really do wonder if Max would be able to pull him back if the last of the trio weren't there tho! Since Max ''knows'' Zelnick!!!#No good to go yelling at someone who wasn't there! And Max would have some piece of information Dex wouldn't from his dreams!!#Although presumably Dex would remember DAX :00 Which is its own deep interest! Ah! They're all just So!!!!#DAX out of the loop of the other two humans is quite funny to me haha - Max all paranoid like ''I'm going to be removed''#DAX has long since given up on that ZEX! Wait (lol)#DAX and Zelnick rely a lot on ZEX so the thought of Max completely failing to meet that role hehe <3 Would they all get along as well? :3c#The glue to hold them together ♪ No way DAX would listen to Max would he? Hehehe#Dexter being there would be picking right up from him being outside and agghhh the angst potential wagh agh <3 <3#Even worse to completely lose his one real tether to himself - at least when Zelnick died there was a kind of sick closure#Able to grieve and move on - tho he never really did :'( But with Caleb there what proof does he have of being ZEX! Aghh <3#At least the last one would be fairly light I imagine haha - humans humaning! Silliness and mistaken identity (and also poisoning lol)
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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yall ever end up thinking back on periods of ur life and ur like. bro what
#so i dropped out of school at like 13/14 to be home fulltime to take care of my grandparents yeah yeah whtever#whats insane is remembering that when i was 15 my mom tried to arrange a marriage for me with some guy who was in his early 20s#he was the deacons EXTREMELY autistic son and we had spoken like. 3 times. it had been fine like he was pretty cool#but like. she talked me into tentatively agreeing with her. she went to talk to the deacon and everything about it#fucking hello? hello? taps the mic isaiah southern baptist child bride real?#that always pulls the same thread in my brain of how my grandparents died only a month or so apart#so the pastor had just finished doing my grandmas memorial service when we asked him to do the funeral service to bury them both together#and the first thing out of his fucking mouth was 'hah wow didnt expect to see all of you again so soon!'#and that pavilion was SILENT. besides like someone sniffling#awkward fuckhead piece of shit that guy sucked#yk he once threw away what he had written all his notes to preach on bc a gay couple had just moved to the area and wanted to try our churc#so he spent the whole time ranting about how gay people go to hell instead and they left in the middle of it crying#hell on earth.#my mom convinced him to start a school thru the church and i dont think ANY of their teachers went to college besides literally 1#bc she had just retired from the local middle school and had the free time to participate#but then i guess it all just comes back around#my brother graduated from there and became a ta when he was 18 and started dating a 14/15yo so#genuinely so glad i got the fuck outta there#what a nightmare that town was. christ
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#fucking fell of my horse today..#really hurt my back#I don’t think its a serious injury but I am in a lot of pain#I had to really downplay it to my mom because she gets crazy worried but like#I wanna talk about it because it hurts and I wanna be sad about it and gush to my mom but I can’t do that because she will freak out#she already basically begged me never to ride this horse again and start wearing a body protector#and thats after I told her it was fine and I’m fine#its not#I’m not#it really fucking hurts#I hate having to downplay my problems when talking to my mom#like I wanna tak to her about it but I can’t really#anyways I’m sad and in pain and I don’t wanna move but I have to because otherwise my back’ll get really stiff#and that would only make it worse#UGHHHG#like I know its nothing serious I was able to get back on my horse and ride for a bit after I fell#but god#and to make things worse!! I discovered a bag of rotting carrots in my room I completely forgot about and now there is a wet moldy stain#of my fucking wooden floor#that I’ll have to clean WITH A HURTING BACK#AND ALSO#sorry I’m ranting now#my horse pulled its head up real hard real fast whilst I was taking off her saddle#and she fucking broke the clasp of my halter cord#she fucking snapped the metal in half#today is fucking not my day guys#also none of my roommates are home so I am home alone and sad and I need to clean and vacuum#and do laundry#BUT MY BSCK HURTS#yelling into the void
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#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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A Phish portrait I don't hate?? In this economy??
#my art#phish#shadowrun#character art#i've just kind of accepted that like#phish looks real similar to a TES Oc (largely because both pull from the same scrapped concept) so i've just gotta deal#because no matter how hard i try to move his design away it always drifts back smdh
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ik its cringe but um. since hunter the parenting is based off of 40k lore, and i had a sensei ( half-human child of Big E ) oc kicking around in g-docs, i revamped her to fit into the h:tp lore. meet odette! (she/they), one of the ex-children of big-d, and independent salubri kindred, currently acting as the go-between between the anarchs, independents kindred, and camarilla of east-anglia, though originally, she's from santa monica and relocated after l.a. got too hot to stick around for salubri like her back in 04
edit. added the kindred version!!
#scout ocs#scout art#scout.png#hunter: the parenting#h:tp#vtm ocs#i think if anyone from the team saw her id cry but also i really like her. shes definitely marckus and doors younger sister. i like to thin#she's also very young by kindred standards. she's like. 22/23 but is perpetually 19 because that's when she was turned. and she hates it sm#she & marckus definitely had undiagnosed adhd together. she lived w/ them for 2 yrs after her mom died then moved in w/ her maternal aunt#her 'death' was also a suspicous car accident that The Family Doesn't Talk About. but she and Big D crossed paths in 04 in LA and thats als#why she left and went back to england bc of her human connections and her longing to be with / alongside her family. but she already#breached masqurade when big-d saw her in 04. and her mentor is a hardass so mostly she sits in the bg and watches her family from a distanc#also. her coterie is sooooo fucking weird. a real group of losers fr#one is a gibson girl kindred socialite. another looks like they pulled out of the underpass cybergoth rave gif but is a car mechanic.#the last one is an ex-shovelhead who got turned on a blind date and is really pissed about having to give up his thesis#tag spam /
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uhhhh are u saying jenna wanted to get down with emma ?
Not at all, though I kinda knew someone would latch on to that little note in my tags.
It's just a look of youthful inebriation and someone having a very good time during; there's a moment where one can tell that she's trying to function soberly but can't. She's shitfaced and she's clearly trying to balance on her little feet and barely got back into that seat. Unfit to drive anywhere. This, but happier & positive:
She was very good in this Miller's Girl scene playing slightly shitfaced, scorned, vengeful, & manipulative.
That's The Look (and it flashed before she sat down in the seat/started talking).
The whole Jessica wanting to get with me thing was a separate thought, and a separate [subsequent] look. Probably best described (if we're still using Ortega here) like this, but drunk
And now that I reminisce about that night, I'm reminded of how much more shitfaced Jessica was (the wobbling was way thicker, and she was falling into me). That whole night at the club was kind of a weird vibe because everyone was aware that Diana's funeral was the next day (someone had written "DIANA 💖" in white chalk on one of the ceiling joists by the side bar...people wrote on the joists all the time but that one stuck out to me). It was subdued for a Friday night, which was one of the fetish-y subculture nights back then.
Oh damn. I just looked up the club again to see if there were pictures because they had closed for a while and I thought they were still closed but apparently it's open again: It was the Man Ray Club in Cambridge, MA. From the pics the interior looks like it was changed quite a bit since 1997. They still have goth Wednesdays, which I tried to go to on a regular basis with my then-girlfriend. But also to the new pictures, they use it as a venue for kids to play around with too??? That's seriously insane, I don't think they did that back in '97 because our goth and fetish nights were not family friendly at all.
BUT I digress and ramble as usual. You guys would have loved Jessica. She looked like Barrera and Ortega's love child, only Anglo. An insanely gorgeous dancer, and one of my friend's casual hookups. But I wasn't into casual hookups, and as much as we clearly wanted each other, nothing major* happened because my 23-year-old ass recognized that it wouldn't be right to fuck a shitfaced girl. (Perhaps getting roofied and raped by a creepy dude we knew from the same club on a over a year prior helped me keep my own wits about me...but that's another story for another time.)
Short moral before the idiot tags: Be safe out there, kids. And don't pick out little things and blow them up to mean something that you want it to mean (I fkn saw your "Jemma" shit around this...you are far more brazenly disrespectful than I could hope to be). Sometimes cute young girls/women get drunk, and what they do when they're drunk is heavily influenced by said mind-altering poison (hence "under the influence").
#*kissed her abs bc she was pulling up her shirt/trying to get undressed and was giving me ✨That Look✨ but the more I stared at her as she#moved the less it felt right so i just pulled the covers over her gave her a kiss on the brow and left her to#sleep it off in our guest room...had to explain to my father why there was a girl in the guest room but he was fine w it#needless to say#i felt like she was appreciative but a little disappointed that we didn't fuck 💀 bc that's what ppl did back then#we got drunk and fucked#but for some reason i never caved to that culture and didn't like it...hell me and my then-gf didn't fuck after the club/getting drunk cuz#drunk sex is messy#blah blah blah#moral of this story: don't fuck while drunk. high is a different story cuz there's never any puke involved 🤫#oh yeah this post was supposed to be about#jenna ortega#lol#anti jemma#jemma#yeah imma tag it that way bc you little 💩 need to hear it again and again...emma myers TOLD y'all to keep real ppl out of shipping
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Gencon is very busy...!!!
Ummmmm highlights of the day..!!!
I maybe bought 4 Naruto figurines. Thankfully not individually expensive (though perhaps a little expensive all together...) see I wanted Sasuke but I also wanted Kakashi and I couldn't have Sasuke without Naruto and well it would feel wrong to have the 3 of them without Sakura and so I somehow. Got all 4. Haha. I'll most likely post pics later, whenever I end up opening them. I'm still at the convention center rn lol
(Putting the rest of this under a cut bc it got a little long lol)
I was on the field of the Lucas Oil Stadium, aka the stadium that the Indianapolis Colts play at. I've attended all of One game here (not professional football, it was a high school game lol) so I've felt the size of it, but it's still fucking crazy being on the field. It's so BIG...... and obviously they've got the grass covered rn, but it's still pretty cool!!!
I maaaade dice!!! Pretty precise process it seems, & definitely would require a Lot of work (after the sanding and the painting etc etc). I do still wanna get into it, but if I wanted to spring for stuff like the vacuum chamber or the pressure pot...
Yeah, it'd get expensive. Add in the fact that I don't have a good place to do this away from the cats & it really is not feasible to start rn. But!!! Eventually!!!! I think I'd really enjoy it. I just need a dedicated workshop space where I can spread out without worrying about poisoning my cats lol.
Here's some cool game set stuff I saw in the event hall. This picture is maybe... hm... a fourth of the event hall? And then when you consider that the vender hall (connected to the event hall, though it's closed right now) is maybe 1.5 times as big as the event hall?? Give or take a little...
Aka just imagine booths upon booths upon booths... I'm gonna have to take a pic of it tomorrow. I was there too briefly to think about taking a pic. Honestly I maybe managed to get through like a tenth of the whole vender hall in an hour of wandering. It's fucking huge. And So Many Dice... I bought one set of 14 (I think it was) dice. Aka an extended set. And then I got a random set bag of dice (just a basic 7). And then a d20 with a cat on it. And a dice of LETTERS. Aka I guess a d26 (I totally did not have to double check that there were 26 letters in the alphabet)(I have 702k words written & posted to ao3)(😂😂😂 I'm very tired) but with letters instead of numbers. And it's glow in the dark!!! And I found some hxh buttons, and a mighty nein poster, and uhmmmm. A cute lanyard. And that's all I bought. Which really is such restraint for me. (Omfg I just saw a dragon cosplay)(someone just dressed as a dragon)
OH YEAH I saw a fucking. Persona 5 Ryuji cosplay. Hanging out with the biker lady from Durarara. Featuring the Ryuji holding her scythe hfksbfmd which was such a funny image. I was too shy to ask for a pic but just trust 🙏 i saw this
Anyways yeah the only real big thing I bought is the naruto figurines. I'll show pics later once I got the stuff again (I dropped it all off in the car earlier)
Omfg literally as I've been sitting here (on a bench at the side of a main hallway) someone stopped by and gave me a handmade bracelet !!!
DND's 50th anniversary!!! So cute!!!!
#speculation nation#not Too much anime stuff. tho i clearly found some stuff. no trigun yet unfortunately 😔#which i already walked thru the artist area (as much as i could)(i was getting a little stressed by how crowded it was)#so idk maybe i missed a booth or smth but it'd definitely be less likely to see elsewhere in the vender's hall#but WHO KNOWS it's a wonderful massive world in there.#im actually sitting outside it rn and staring longingly at the closed doors. tomorrow... i will be able to Actually peruse it more...#and i will quite possibly wear some ear plugs next time bcus i was getting Stressed Out!!! overstimulated!!!!#pulled in a million different directions!!!!! aaaaaaa!!!!#anyways yeah my events are all done for the night. just kinda hanging out now waiting for my sister's game to be done.#gonna collapse into bed as soon as we get back. so i should probably eat some more.#i had an overpriced and underwhelming sandwich. but there is pizza somewhere. maybe i should eat pizza.#i actually... still have the keys lol. from when i dropped the stuff off at the car earlier.#which is weird. I have the ticket to home with me. but i still wait. bc it would be a dick move to leave with them lol#and also. while i Can drive. i do not have my license. so that would be. a bad. idea.#my shoulders Huuuuurt but thankfully i dont have any combat classes tomorrow#hurting shoulders is more just from my bag bc my shoulders fucking suck. but it makes me glad i can rest more tomorrow.#oh yeah i did the sword knife and longsword today. might get bruises from that knife one. it was very focused on parrying#swords. swords. swords. swords. the longsword class made me really want to own a longsword. i dont own one. yet.#i could. i could. i could. sometime. eventually. i want a longsword. i think i technically just own uhmmm um um#a rapier? a machete? a uh. i dont know what that cheap anime convention sword is actually. OH YEA AND CANE SWORD#no longsword though. i really want to own a katana too. someday i'll own both. someday.#real swords are unfortunatelly really expensive. thats why i only have uh. uh. uhhh. oh yeah i do have those 2 swords from mountains trip#i dont really know what those are either. you know i really should know what bladed weapons i own. i dont though.#i own cool swords and knives bc oooh fun pointy things! wheeeeee!!!#i'll study up on it later. lol.#anyways i guess i should go look for more food. i have rambled enough. bye!
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WHERE DID MY CREATURE GO (OLD PIC) I GOTTA FIND HER!!!!
#oh man idr the artists name i have the card in my scrap book hhhhh#lemme see real quick...#chevatewa#i glued the card down lmao i cant see the socials links without lifting it out the book#looks like the artist is doing tattoos these days nice#didnt know them beyond buying this creature during the school fair#i THINK i know where I put it but i dont have the back energy to pull those drawers out#had to leave her behind when i tried moving out lol i have no reason to lock her away anymore#i even have a black light now (p sure thats uv paint)#i have so many cool things locked away. digitally and physically.#fuck it gonna go look for her now#i was gonna draw but i NEED to know#i need this funky lil creature around#Cori.exe#Image.exe
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This 👌🏻 close to becoming homeless in the future. Because if I go to the rehab clinic, I'll likely lose my spot in the living group (they don't get money for people who aren't there and I'll be gone for 3 to 4 months so 🤷🏻♂️). But I need to go to the clinic in order to get my shit together because if I keep drinking in the living group, they'll kick me out sooner or later. A guy at my ward is in a similar position. It's scary how many people here are homeless. That's where addiction takes you, huh.
I tell myself I won't be one of them, but I also told myself I'd never end up as an alcoholic soooo. Shit. Where to go from here? I genuinely don't know. My life has never been this fucked before.
#personal posts#psych ward blogging#one of the nurses saved my life by noticing something was wrong with me#on the day I was discharged#because if he hadn't noticed I'd have pulled through with my plan to unalive myself for real#now I'm still here#and they'll likely keep me until the 15th of September (when I move back to the living group)#oh man#I've never been this lost before#the metaphorical water I might drown in is right up to my chin and I fluctate between apathy and naked cold fear#tw suicidal ideation#tw addiction#*was supposed to be discharged#also#my roommate keeps staring at me while I sleep#woke up at 6am today to her sitting upright in her bed and watching me#like what the fuck
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