#the possibility to do anything for myself is extremely low. all the people in this country who are trans cant even get a good job

[wormchaser]

you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.

i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.

[xamaxenta]

Suddenly feeling incredibly dysphoric in this chilis tonight

[bloodchapell]

the kirkegaard to my camus - armin a.

brief summary: you meet armin in a philosophy class and it seems there is something about him that is drawing you in. after talking over text and in class you propose to read the next story in his book together since you haven’t read it either. you do not read but spend the hour talking about it all.

what to expect: alt and very nerdy reader, equally nerdy armin, mutual pinning, armin being soo awkward

your sword’s note: this is the first delivery of this thing. i may or may not be projecting myself in the reader:0, other than that i love armin sm and love imagining little scenarios of daily things with him rather than just consuming smut like a fiend so this will focus more in the evolution of their relationship —yes there will still be smut eventually but the plot is the main thing rather than the smut. all future parts of this au series available in my mistresslist

It is no surprise that nerds tend to group together, and though you seemed to be a pretty girl with an amazing style, you were the biggest nerd ever. Bland people that could only gossip and talk about relationships were like sunlight for you as an aspiring vampire. You liked being able to sit down and talk about life and death and philosophy and astrology and music and science and conspiracies and everything and anything, and only some kind of people could really fulfill that hunger for comprehension from a mind on the same level.

You were majoring in fashion, but for funsies decided to take a philosophy class as an elective, and there you met Armin. He was shy and seating in the row next to the wall, and since you took insanely long in the morning to do your makeup and choose your clothes, you were moderately late and the only seat available was besides Armin when you got there.

As a proper philosophy class, you had to talk with people and debate, so the professor asked for everyone to talk to the person besides them and boom! You were talking to Armin. The talk started simple, introductions in the most basic sense, but your eyes soon caught a glimpse of the book under his elbow.

“I also like Asimov.” You pointed out and he turned around fully to face you nervously. He could not believe you knew Isaac Asimov. “Well he is the father of the laws of robotics we follow to this day…how could I not know him?”

Armin observed you closely. Your hair had an unusual haircut and he could see that it had been dyed over dye because the color was inconsistent. Your makeup was carefully done and not in a way to alter your features but enhance them and almost as decoration too. Your eyes were fierce and normally he wouldn’t speak to someone that looked like you in fear of being judged, ironically. He had a certain admiration for people that were cool looking, and almost some sort of envy. In the depth of your eyes that waited for him to say something he felt enthralled by you.

To say he was quietly fascinated is low. He caught an almost immediate crush on you and though he was too shy to talk, he found himself quickly comfortable knowing that you would start the conversations during class. That same day, you asked for his number and texted him right away.

As soon as he arrived to his dormitory, he sat down in his bed, ignored Eren, and texted you nonstop. Talking about simple things and confusing things could take you both hours, and the topic of the conversation swiftly changed and made the texting an ongoing conversation. You both went to sleep pretty late that night.

You two only shared one class, but had some gaps in your schedules that matched and by your own proposal, you two started hanging out together as often as possible. You had no other close friends, to Armin’s surprise, and his friends were often busy. For your first outing with him out of class you decided to go to the library since you both were yet to read Nightfall by Asimov so you asked to read it together in the library after class over text and though he was extremely hesitant, Eren convinced him of accepting.

“Hiii!” You said waiting for him in the entrance of the library. He didn’t know what brand it was but his eyes were immediately captivated by your h.NAOTO coat and the long Anna Sui black dress you decided to wear for the day.

“Hello.” Kind of shy he started. Initially he didn’t understand why you’d want to be seen with him, as if he was convinced –and he was– that having him by your side would take off aura points from you. He eventually got that you were beyond the comprehension of the average fellow and having such a knowledgeable person as he is as a friend was even an honor for you. He remembered Eren’s words: to compliment you. So he did. “I like your coat.”

“Well thanks, I also like your jacket, very dark academia-ish.” You laughed and walked inside the library. Armin was nervous as hell, he didn’t know where to put his hands or how to carry the book, suddenly his phone was seating uncomfortable in his pocket and the tag of his shirt started tickling his side, just as if everything was against him in that precise moment.

When you reached an area that was silent and a little secluded, you asked Armin if he wanted to seat by the window and when he agreed you two pushed two small sofas together.

“Did you finish reading The End of Eternity?” You asked taking off the coat and putting it in your lap. He nodded trying to make some eye contact. “Did you like the ending?”

“Yes, it makes sense, both sides make sense but I think I lean more towards supporting the Eternals, having a controlled and stable future seems better.” Armin said playing with the pages of the book in his hands, a collection of some works by Asimov. He had wished for the longest time to have a friend with whom he could discuss complicated things, he had imagined in his head that it’d be another nerd guy just like him or something; he had not expected for his wish to be granted in the form of a seemingly unreachable and mysterious goddess. He cringed at himself.

“Yeah stability does for sure sound calming, but don’t you think that it is kind of boring?” You inquired and he simply looked at you in hopes you’d expand your thought. “For sure stability is necessary, but controlling every possible outcome that seems negative can withhold progress, and what is better than to be better… uhmm for example, I wouldn’t like all my pieces to feel the same or look the same; amongst several fails something has to succeed. Mistakes are the road to progress after all.”

“Yeah I guess so too…” After a good second of silence, Armin said. “I guess if we are scared of failure we are consequently avoiding possible success.” He laughed softly and you smiled at him; he immediately thought you had a pretty smile.

Truth be told it was pretty easy for him to develop a crush on someone, but most were fundamentally just neutral, he saw someone and built their persona in his mind according to the information he had of them and would stay with that. It was different with you though, he started to believe there were genuine reasons for him to like you, you were of course beautiful and fashionable and cool, but you were also intelligent and thoughtful.

“Are you not afraid of making mistakes?” He suddenly asked and you couldn’t help but laugh.

“I don’t think I am that honorable. Mistakes are a pain in the ass but I guess I am not going out of my way to avoid making a mistake… it is a complicated thought.” You mentioned and he nodded as in trying to make sense of every word that came out of your mouth, as if they were words that could prophesy the meaning behind existence itself.

“That is so absurdist.” Armin laughed.

“So precise of me, so accurate of you to guess my philosophical current.”

“Absurdism, that is crazy. Guess mine.”

“Be the Kierkegaard to my Camus?” You asked taking off a ring from your hands and offering it to him. “I once read something by Kierkegaard in high school and it genuinely made my brain hurt.”

“He is a little complex.” Armin laughed softly without knowing how to react. You had guessed correctly and he knew, you didn’t even have to say the actual word, simply replacing “existentialism” by making an allusion of yourself as Albert Camus, father of absurdism, and of him as Søren Kierkegaard, father of existentialism; it was as if you were proving to him that you understood what he was talking about.

The silver ring did not fit in any of his fingers but his pinky, so there he wore it.

“Do I need to give the ring back?” He asked seconds after you put it in his right hand.

“Hmm you can keep it if you plan on using it next time.” You said standing up. The hour had passed already and your class was starting soon so you needed to go. “See you soon, next time let’s not get distracted and actually read.”

“Okay.” He waved goodbye from his seat and after you left he glanced at the ring for good ten minutes, your words just repeating over and over again in his mind, “next time”.

[qqueenofhades]

To those sending me asks about Israel-Hamas: just to let you know that while I obviously have many things to say/thoughts about this topic, I am presently choosing not to do so. This whole thing is so radioactively toxic in all respects that I currently can't see much benefit in doing so, and I feel as if the social media pressure to Say Something on Everything generally leads nowhere good, especially right now.

I recognize that many people do come to my blog for takes on history, politics, current events, etc, and this is something I may eventually want to discuss (in one omnibus post, because I have no interest in engaging in wank about this, at all, whatsoever). But because that will require extreme precision and countless disclaimers due to the multitudes of bad-faith ways every single word can be interpreted and/or twisted, it's just not something I currently have the desire to do and/or put myself through. I do engage in a lot of substantial intellectual labor on here in terms of explaining and contextualizing things; I don't do it unless I want to, but that doesn't mean it isn't an effort, especially in situations like this one. My spoons/coping abilities are presently very low as it is, the situation itself will not be helped by whatever analytical framework I could venture to provide for it, and anything I could and/or would say would get me in trouble with someone determined to read it the worst possible way, since that's what, again, is going on right now with all of it.

As I said, I may decide to write a summary post eventually, and I will have to think carefully about when that time might be. In the meantime, you're certainly welcome to send said asks if you choose, but I'm presently making a conscious choice not to engage with it right now. Thanks for understanding!

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

Extremely long vent under the cut

I am so fucking over everything. I feel like I just doubled back to my starting line. I feel like I played the game and failed fucking spectacularly. Like. Worst you could possibly do. The fact I'm back to being with my mom and being single makes me feel like an eighteen year old kid again. I feel like a loser and I genuinely want to die. I don't think texting the crisis text line two days in a row is a good sign. My entire life has fucking gone to shit and I'm genuinely so fucking over it.

All I've ever wanted out of life was to tell my silly lil stories and marry a woman who loves me as much as I love her but you can't have shit in this economy. This is genuinely fucking insane. I cannot BELIEVE what has happened to me. I genuinely never in a million years thought my life would ever look like this. Life threw me a curveball and knocked my teeth clean out. It's so fucked. I think I might actually kill myself, I'm genuinely so fucking over this. I tried to be strong and be resilient and all I'm alive for is to see my life fall completely the fuck apart. I want out. I'm done. I've never been a strong fighter or whatever the fuck. I cry at images of trees that have light shining in between the branches.

I'm not a soldier and never have been but I've been fighting anyway and I'm *tired*. I don't want to fight anymore. And for fucking what?? Some stupid dream of grandeur? A woman that will never come into my life? I've always loved people more than they loved me. I'm not going to find princess charming or whatever the fuck. It's not happening. Something is fucked within me. I'm too sensitive or too idealistic or fucking SOMETHING because holy fucking shit. I am so fucking done. For fucking real. I want out. I want to be gone. I wish guns weren't so expensive and people knew what happened after death because holy SHIT, I am so fucking over it. I cannot live like this. It's fucking over for me. I actually thing 23 is a perfect age to know if you want to kill yourself. I wanted to at eighteen but didn't, but Holy fucking crap I think I knew better then. I didn't do it because I wanted to see what would happen and fucking LOOK. This is what I stayed alive for?? Fucking THIS ????

And I can't fucking believe that when I asked my (now ex) gf of five years if she wanted to marry me, she fucking said "I THINK SO" girl, are you fucking fr right now. Five fucking years. I need you to be locked and fucking loaded. But whatever. I realized I wouldn't want to be with someone who placed me so low on the priority list. But whatever. Whatever. I feel like God stripped me of all my fucking stats. I'm gonna kill myself for real. I can't take this shit, y'all, I fucking can't. I can't believe I'm back in my hometown and I have to constantly watch my back because god fucking FORBID I run into anyone from high school and they see me and what I've become. I will actually kill myself on the spot, I can't handle that. And Jesus fucking CHRIST, I cannot fucking believe I'm living back with my mom. I fucking hate that woman and could go the rest of my life without ever talking to her again. Jesus fucking christ. And having to live with her stupid boyfriend. Fuck him. No he didn't do anything to me but I had a dad and don't need to be out here saying "my mom's boyfriend" how fucking cringe are you kidding me. I played the game and I failed SPECTACULARLY.

Holy fucking fuck, bro. I can't believe this shit. Seriously. Fucking seriously. You gotta be kidding. Youth really is wasted on the young because what do you mean I'll be 25 in 2 years and barely started anything. How incredibly fucking pathetic. Holy fuck. There are sixteen year old kids on Broadway and shit and I'm what? Struggling to get a degree because my dad died in my second year and it wrecked my progress?? It wrecked me so bad that my mom had me move back in for health reasons?? Are you fucking serious??? This is what my fucking life is right now? I can't fucking believe it. I'm gonna be policed constantly. I just know it. And I'll never feel comfortable in this house. And they didn't even bother to clean even though they fucking said they would. God, Jesus fucking christ y'all, I have zero hope. Optimist? Hopeful? Nope. Not me. Not any fucking more. This is it. I want to kill myself and I might actually do it because holy fucking shit WOW. This is insane. I did not stay alive at eighteen for this ridiculous shit. Unacceptable. Completely unacceptable. I have no hope anymore. I'm done. I'm so fucking done.

I fucking tried. Extremely hard. It wasn't good enough and I'm finished fr. I can't keep taking shit like this. I wasn't built for it fr. 5 years (18 to 23) feels like a long enough waiting period. I'm done.

[cringelordofchaos]

random craig tucker headcanons

has level 1 low support needs autism

gay (not a hc bt whaever.)

special interest is star trek and space in general

watching red racer every day is a routine he mustn't under almost any imaginable circumstance break

got some peruvian ancestry (from which parent's side? heck if i know) + knows a bittt of spanish

his family mostly goes without saying a word to each other during meals

when hes waiting outside the counselor's office for flipping off someone again he sits and either thinks about space or looks at images of stripe on his phone to ease any tension that migth be there

barely ever smiles except when stripe, space or tweek exist

closer to thomas than to laura

his parents taught him everythin ghe knows <33 (emotional constipation and invlulnerability but breaking the ice every one in a while)

sometimes just randomly infodumps about random facts about star strek or space or guinea pigs at the most random of times (actually canon as briefly shown in TFBW)

likes to learn / memorize random facts abt red racer, space, star trek or guinea pigs

random fact i almost mispelled guinea pigs every single time wtmf is wrong with me

for birthdays he mostly gets space-themed stuff cuz everyone knows he loves it

if hes overwhelmed, instead of having a meltdown he'll usually have a shutdown instead

sometimes rants to stripe abt stuff like relationship drama w tweek lmao

he actually liked the clothes he wore during the metrosexual fad, (evident by keeping them in his closet as shown in TFBW)

most emotion he shows is anger/being pissed off

"sooooooo happy" is actually a stim of his and it feels satisfying for him to say it every time hes sooo happy

even when hes sooo happy the most emotion he'll show is a faint smile

doesn't really smile in any pictures unless hes forced to

flipping people off for him is kinda like pushing people away and making them pissed off at him so he wouldnt need to care abt what they think of him and that way he sorta protects himself (mostly saying this bc of one of his attacks in tfbw)(i swear im sane)

hes sometimes overwhelmed from his relationship w tweek but he fucking sucks at communicating (his kryptonite in TFBW is literally communication) he didnt communicate that to tweek just yet (this is mostly shown in buddha box)(NOT SAYING CRAIG DOESNT CARE ABOUT TWEEK HE LOVES HIM HES JUST OVERWHELMED SOMETIMES FROM FEELING LIKE HES COMPLETELY RESPONIBLE FOR HIM ANDN OIEAHDKKSH leave him alone) i like to imagine tweek and craig resolve this at one point cuz im pretty sure they get married in the future and they always push through their struggles together and they rly need each other so .

u can point to a star n hell name it

has space themed pajamas

(StOLEN HC IdK FroM whO) has those glow in the dark stars in his room

i googled it sometime ago n apparently he has blue eyes ? idrc

his childhood dream was to become an astronaut (I FORGOT HOW TO SPELL IT I LITERALLY HAD TO GOOGLE IT I HATE MYSELF) but when he grew up he probably settled for something less extreme. idk what though

either got diagnosed w autism at age 10, in his teens, in his young adult years, or far afterwards, or never at all. when he was told by someone that he migth be autistic he didnt rly even bother to look it up or anything but if he did he would go like "idk i dont really think im autistic i dont think i do (x symtom) all that much" and tweeks like "You do that literally all the time !!!!". but yeah even if he gets diagnosed he doesnt rly end up taking any medication or specializzed therapy but he does gain a larger understanding of himself and how to handle things like shutdowns.)

really picky eater (cuz sensory issues)

hates wearing jeans or similiar uncomfy clothing so he wears exclusively sweatpants (again cuz of sensory issues)

his whole family is autistic actually ive decided so when mr mackey brings up the possibility of him being autistic laura and thomas deny it cuz all the symptoms he shows are what they do as well, andthyere obviously not autistic so neither can craig be.

sometimes he goes over to tweeks house completely unannounced and so does tweek (actuallycanon as shown in put it down)

0verwhelmed by the concept of emotions in general but his relationship w tweek forces him to confront that part of him he tries to avoid and forces him to open up a bit which is actually rly important

since tweek is on meth, he heavily lacks appetite and sometimes skips meals or just doesnt take care of himself enough. craig learns abt this (not the meth part cuz tweek doesnt know that eithrer) so he helps him eat enough food throughout the day so he doesnt fucken starve to death

replies to tweeks texts instantly (actually canon)

tolkiens best friend (canon according to the official south park wiki). clydes a closee second

clyde annoys the fuck out of him but in a friend teasing way and they both care abt each other obvu

i actually dont rly have hcs for him n tolkien sryyyy

jimmy makes the best remarks abt creek (canon)(in put it down he asks craig (when craig doesnt know why tweek isnt in school) "uh oh. trouble in paradise?" and in TFBW during a battle tweek tells craig smth like "ill be right with you super craig!" and jimmy says "OK, i guess illbe the third wheel." anyway live laugh jimmy)

extremely blunt pessimist (canon)

despite his reputation as a troublemaker hes actually a decently polite kid (minus the constant flipping off)

barely goes out the house or does anything exciting. nice n boring. just the way he likes it.

hates changes or sudden surprises or his routine being broken

on the verge of being diagnosed w oppositional defiance disorder

sometimes wears black nail polish (again cuz in tfbw its kinda implied he liked the metrosexual fad n black nail polish migth be a more neutral form of such self expression)(mostly self projecting here)

tumblr user

during one pride month thomas went all out and bought craig a shitton of pride themed merch that he mostly doesnt use

he loves loves lovess seeing tweeks smile !!!1!! hes like omfg finally hes getting a fucking break (tweeks life is a fucking mess)

appears unphased by some stuff even when hes really uncomfortab;le

sometimes sleeps without pillow ehn he deems it more comfortable

deals w some form of small anxiety, not to a disordered amount thogh

maybee has depression ?!? idk

dated a girl in the past cuz he thought he was supposed to, but he felt like "she was holding him back". overall he didnt give a fuck abt their breakup cuz he didnt really care that much abt the relationship and when others questioned him abt it he was confused and didnt know most ppl were heartbroken after a breakup. (sorry i love early craig being a gay mess in denial)

sometimes cartman calls him a pocoyo rip off and each time he feels the strongest urge to either decapitate or defenestrate him

before he n tweek got together he would joke to tolkien abt how he was gonna propose to him when they grew up so he could live off his wealth and not have to work for any money. (SORRY i got this concept from a webcomic (the four of them))

he n tweek send heart emojis to each other (implied)

mostlyyy dry texter (he doesnt mean to)

at one point he n tweek buy a pair of guinea pigs for stripe to befriend and craig names them castor and pollux

he n tweek get married in the future

mostly likes dry, tasteless and cold food (There r obviously exceptions thats why i said mostly)

says and intreprerts things more literally than most

still sarcastic at times

hates huge social events with too many people and noiises

used to blend in well and fit in w mob mentality but doesnt really care anymore

it wont let me write anymo

[shiny-holographic-star]

Sagittarius Sun Observations

☀️ They shine when they seek meaning and purpose in life, a nihilistic perspective doesn't align with them or at least doesn't fulfill them.

My dad has Sagittarius sun in the 12th House. He didn't believe in anything about spirituality or religion until he exhausted every possibility regarding logic and science to help him with his problems and decided to give spirituality and holistic medicine a go. Now, he's much more open to alternative practices and ideas, very excited about it!

I have Sagittarius sun in the 5th House. My spiritual journey began with small hobbies like journaling, meditating, collecting crystals, learning tarot, astrology, learning to do reiki, and more. Every new interest led me to learn and discover about myself and reflect upon my life in a higher perspective each time.

Also, before initiating my healing and spiritual journey, I didn't find any meaning or purpose in life, it was a very dark moment for me.

☀️ Whatever house their sun falls into, it's what they're overly self-conscious about. And they can be restless in their desire to expand on it.

For example, I'm overly conscious of my self-esteem (which used to be low), so to add more to my ‘specialness’ I've gotten into many hobbies, expanding the horizons of my interests. Writing, drawing, there's always something new I'm interested in.

My dad, with the sun in the 12th House seems to focus a lot on his karma? Like he always focuses on the negative, there is always something new to worry or complain about. I guess all of the struggle led him to ask “why me? Why do I have to go through all this suffering?” and, in seeking an answer, he started to wonder if logic and science were enough to explain the meaning of life.

☀️ Sagittarius's faith and optimism come from the hope that there is something deeper about life, more than what meets the eye. Our existence is not in vain. They can be proud about their life-reflections and philosophy, which can range from extremely religious to overly intellectual. And they might look like they have all the answers, all figured out while everyone else is wrong. A know-it-all.

My dad was closed to any type of religion and looked down on spirituality. Meanwhile, I can get a bit too excited about my type of spirituality and some people find me as pushy, as if I'm trying to impose my views on them (I'm just excited about it ;-;).

[squishedopossum]

Small (?) rant about Mob Psycho 100 and autism, because it's something I feel strongly about.

I just want to say before I say anything, this is just how I see MP100 in my personal view as an autistic person, and my experiences as an autistic person. So this is (obviously) very opinion based, something to keep in mind while reading.

I am someone with autism who, for the most part, used to feel a strong resentment towards myself being autistic. I was not diagnosed until my early high school years, so I just thought I was weird. No one really, ever, liked me in school at all, mostly because I kept to myself and aspired not to draw attention to myself. When watching MP100 a month or two ago, I could find myself really attached to the characters experiences. In my opinion, the psychic powers or telepathy is representative of a neurodiversity. This shows in how each person with ESP has powers which are different from eachother.

With Serizawa, it was the character in my first watch of MP100 that drew me in. He is a esper who found himself scared of how his powers would affect other people, especially people he loves like his Mother. Serizawa found himself staying inside and indulging in his interests all day. Even going as far as to never leave his room, because it's hinted at that he'd have breakdowns when leaving - finding his room to be his only safe place. Though he was easily manipulated into leaving his room by someone stronger than him, causing Serizawa to use an umbrella as sort of a comfort item. It's shown that he'd get extremely anxious without his umbrella during his initial 'fight' with Mob after he had it briefly knocked away from him.

Relating Serizawa's behaviors to my own experiences made me feel a lot more connected to the show in general. A lot of the time before being diagnosed, I knew a lot of people with autism, and a lot of these people were low functioning. In these people, I saw my own behaviors and, by how my friends at the time reacted to those behaviors, I'd associated them with negative things. Often times, so no one would see me exhibit these behaviors, I would keep myself in my room all day. Only leaving when absolutely necessary. Whenever someone would enter my room unannounced, and this is something I still somewhat do, I would make sure to put away anything I was doing as quickly as possible. Now going onto Serizawa's umbrella, when I first got diagnosed, I was using a similar thing when at school to help me focus. I would have to have a specific pair of fingerless gloves, or I wouldn't be able to focus. I got in trouble for this numerous times and no one ever defended me, eventually someone in my house threw them away without my knowledge. Serizawa as a character, in relation to my autism, I can see my own breakdowns and how they affect me in Serizawa's.

Mob is probably the most obvious character to discuss in relation to autism in MP100, and this is exhibited in the fandom beliefs of other autistic people as well. While describing Mob, I am going to seperate Mob from '???', because I feel that the '???' state can be used as a separate example for neurodiversity in this topic.

Shigeo as a character is presented as gullible, in this way you can see a similarity to Serizawa in vulnerability. Multiple times throughout MP100, Mob gets swindled by people; Reigen tricks him into thinking that he's a psychic (like Mob himself), the telepathy club -attempt- to convince him to join the club through multiple means, a girl tricks him into thinking that she has a crush on him (which he rejects), at one point - multiple people convince him that he's popular, a group of guys convince him that they're a girl writing a love note to him, e.t.c... I could go on and on. Due to Reigen, Mob is taught that he is to never use psychic powers against other people, a good message in itself: don't inflict violence against others. But this results in Mob bottling up all emotions (or times he could've used his psychic powers against others) causing his '100%' bar to steadily rise - always ending in some sort of emotional breakdown. Sometimes he acts in violence, but I think some of the easier to resonate with scenes are when he starts having an emotional overflow. For example, at the end of the first Teruki Hanazawa fight, Mob is not longer in the post 100% state and regrets using his powers against someone else: ending in him simply sobbing.

The way Mob shows a lack of emotions throughout the earlier sectors of the series is reminiscent of how I would behave. Mostly throughout my life, I would not start confrontations or show strong emotions. But whenever I would get overwhelmed or overstimulated, I would become easily violent and, like Mob, found myself unavailable to process what I was saying until it had already came out my mouth. I would only regret it much later, but even if I did regret it, I wouldn't let anyone know I did and the cycle would repeat.

To wrap up this post, I'm not saying that every character who is an esper has specifically autism. Some characters without ESP remind me of myself in elements like Reigen or Shinji Kamuro and there's some characters with ESP where I cannot relate any personal experiences with autism with, such as characters like Miyagawa in claw. MP100, as a show and manga, helped me realize that it doesn't really matter that I have autism. It's just kind of that thing that's just there and, yeah, it affects my life in important ways, but it also can have positive effects in some places. Like being able to survive down and write this post with the amount of dedication I had, because it's something I feel strongly about.

I fully welcome anyone to add on anything in relation to MP100 and neurodiversity, I would very much like to expand my opinions and hear other people's experiences with autism and parallels they can see.

[helionpegasus]

ceilings part 5

Azriel x Reader

masterlist

summary: Reader always had vivid dreams due her Seer heritage. But things take a twist in her life when she wake up in a world that is not hers and the loving male that were always in her dreams shows to be very different from what she known him to be.

warning: none. but let me know if you find anything :)

words count: 1979

author's note: we're baaaack! now things will start happening more quickly and i'll try not making it too slowburn haha. i'll also include my personal theories in the story. anyway, hope you like it ❤️‍🩹

A whole month had passed.

The dream with little Azriel never happened again, and you didn’t know if this was good or bad. Because it wasn’t the only one to disappear, all the other dreams you used to have did.

All that surrounded your mind was what could that possibly mean. You came to Velaris because of those dreams, so it’s logical that you must need them to go back. So the possibility of not dreaming ever was starting to get the best of you.

The Shadowsinger being so wary of your being was not helpful at all. Once you talked about it with Nesta and she only said that “He’s like this. It’s nothing personal.”, but it feels extremely personal to you.

How he would stop talking about something once you enter the room, or send a bunch of his shadow to follow you through the House of Wind, and even look at you in a weird way during dinner.

Today you woke up to the rain pouring outside, the thunder humming low. When you enter the dining room to have breakfast, you find Nesta there, with a cup of tea in hand and a book in the other.

“No training today?” You ask sitting across from her and already putting a piece of strawberry pie that you found to be your favorite thing in this world.

“Headache. I’ll take the day off, since dealing with Cas and Az the whole day would only make it worse.” She said, taking a little laugh from you. You can’t even imagine what it was like to work with both of them.

“Well, today seems like a good day to relax. I don’t think the rain is gonna pass too soon.” You took the last bite from the pie.

“You’re right.” Nesta sighs. “I’m gonna give myself the privilege I didn’t have for so long: Spend the whole day in bed.”

“You deserve it!”

“Thank you! See you at dinner.” She took the last sip from her tea and exited the room going directly to the main hallway.

Unlike Nesta, you weren’t feeling so useful lately. So you think the best decision was to take your cup of tea to the library and continue your search, which you started last week but ended up in nowhere.

The floor you use to study wasn't much visited, you assumed the first time you went there. Even after having your presence for a whole week handling books and discovering shelves, all of them still have a layer of dust. And maybe the people who live here simply didn’t hold a curiosity in learning Prythian history, you thought that it would be a better option than the fact that this floor was so close to the darkness under it.

After hours of hard searching, because you are dealing with history and most of the books were written in the oldest language, your mind gets tired of it. Your tea was no longer hot and your eyes hurt from reading.

When your mind starts questioning if it was lunch time already you felt the presence. His presence. You could ignore how much it makes you uncomfortable, like you have been doing for all this time. But, today you were tired of it.

“You know I can feel when you are spying on me, right?” You say closing a book. Your back is still fronting him. “I’m just saying that, in case you didn't know, I think it would be good the information that I knew you were there all those times.” Then you finally turn to face him.

Azriel tried to not show the shock in his eyes, since this was the first time something like this was ever happening. He decides to stay silent, trying to form a sentence that wouldn’t make him sound like a stubborn child.

“Look, I don’t know what you have against me. But I already said a bunch of times that I’m willing to answer any question you have and I also said that Rhysand or Feyre can look in my mind if they want to.” You said looking into his eyes, hoping that he could see the truth in them.

You never stop being surprised with how his eyes could be so different looking at the same person. You.

“I don’t trust you.” He simply said.

Those words cut deep that you wanted to. With his low voice echoing in your head.

“Well…” You start, still gathering the right words to say and not betray how hurt you felt. “If I could help to change that, you certainly know where to find me.” You gave him a small smile that did not reach your eyes, and left the library not in the mood to continue your research anymore.

*

Azriel went straight to the River House after the quick conversation. Calling Rhys through his mind to an emergency meeting.

“You should look through her mind.” Azriel said when they entered the High Lord’s office.

“We already had this conversation a million times, Az.” Rhys says massaging his nose bridge. “She never was suspicious and never made any harm to any of us or the court.”

“Yet.”

“For Mother’s sake, Azriel.” Rhys rolls his eyes.

“I’m just saying that I think we should treat her like any stranger that enters the court out of nowhere.” Azriel said firmly with his opinion. “We gave her a roof the first day she came here. We don’t know anything about her, and I think this decision can put us in danger.”

“I wouldn’t make a decision to put any life in this court in danger, Azriel.” Rhysand's look was not friendly anymore. “And I don’t know what is happening with you lately. This is not the first time I say that you are having weird behavior.”

The Shadowsinger still remembers every word they shared in this same office in the first week you spent here.

“I’m just worried.” Az's voice was calmer this time. “I have noticed some things about her that I found strange.”

“And what would it be?”

“She can sense me around while I’m still hiding in the shadows.”

“She always had a weird connection with your shadows, we’re all working with that and she included.”

“Right. But I noticed that during her first nights, she disappeared.” 

“What do you mean?”

“When she went to sleep, she just disappeared for a few hours and then came back still sleeping. She did this for two or three nights and never did it again.”

Rhys was processing the information Azriel just said, his mind working on how she was capable of doing that on the House of Wind, a place that you could not winnow in or out.

“I can ask if she gives me the permission to look into her mind.” The High Lord says. “But if she doesn't, I will not force her to do so.” 

Azriel let out a sigh of relief, only nodding at his friend before leaving the office.

*

You weren’t expecting a reunion today. So when Nesta knocked on your door saying that everyone would meet in the living room, you needed to take time to fix yourself.

Everyone was already there when you arrived, and Feyre invited you to sit by her side.

“You must be wondering why we decided to do this unplanned meeting.” Rhysand says and you only nodded in confirmation. “We all want to help you to find answers and we need answers as well…”

“You want to look into my mind.” You finish his sentence.

You couldn’t keep your eyes from looking at Azriel for half a second. Remembering the convo early this morning.

“I’m only doing this with your permission and firstly, if you are comfortable with it.”

“You can look at it.” You look into his eyes, transmitting all the confidence you could gather.

Rhys took the spot in the chair in front of you. The first thing he did once he entered your mind was make himself present. He could be sneaky if he wanted to, you knew that from other experiences with Ruhn even if he only entered to communicate.

“I’ll show you everything and some things may need an answer. But I would prefer to answer all questions you may have privately.”

“You have my word.”

And you showed him everything.

The first of your dreams, the work you have been doing with your friends in Crescent City, your life with them and the University. Till what happened the day you came to their world, the fight with the strange creature and your last dream.

“The creature that attacked you was a kelpie.” Rhys said once he left your mind with all the information he needed.

The atmosphere of the room that was thick with expectation suddenly turns into shock and worry.

“A kelpie? In my world they look very different.” You say mostly to yourself.

“What do they look like?” Nesta asks to you.

“They are species that belong to the House of Many Waters. They are shapeshifters that appear mostly as a black horse and sometimes in a human form.”

“If those things were supposed to look like humans they are in the wrong shape.” Nesta says remembering her own fight with the creatures. That got a fit of laughter from everyone in the room.

“Thank you for showing me, (Y/N). Now that we have more details, maybe we can help you more.” Rhys said, offering you a soft smile.

“Since everyone is here, we should all take dinner together.” Cassian says and we all agreed.

“I will take Nyx and be back.” Feyre says going to the balcony with wings already appearing in her back.

“We can talk now if you want to.”  The High Lord offers and you give him a nod.

He leads you to the private library of the house. Much smaller than the one the priestesses work, but as beautiful.

You both sit on a couch near a window. You loved every view of this place, because Velaris was beautiful in every angle and every weather.

“I put a sound barrier and a shadow barrier, so we can talk freely.”

“What do you want to know?” You ask the male in front of you.

“You only dream with Azriel specifically, do you have any idea why?”

“No. I’ve been waiting for this answer and a bunch of other ones for a long time too, but the only one answer was learning his name when I arrived.”

“I’ve dreamed with Feyre before we met each other too…” He says with an expecting look that makes your cheeks warm.

“You think we are mates?” Rhys only smiles. “Well I bet that your dreams with Feyre were not like those, and I am certain that she wasn’t from another world.”

“Well, you’re right. But that can still be a possibility.” He took an invisible dust from his pants. “Warn me if those dreams return, we see what we can do to help.”

“I’ll let you know.” 

“Also, Azriel commented to me that you disappear while sleeping. Do you have any explanation for that? Because people weren’t supposed to be able to winnow from here.”

You gave him a questioning look. A million questions going through your mind.

“Disappear? I don’t have the power to winnow.”

“He said that it happened on your initial nights.”  Rhys was also confused. “You don’t remember exiting in the middle of the night?”

“No. Those nights I only dreamed.”

Then Rhysand started to connect all the points. He also didn’t see you in any other place besides your dreams, so you disappearing did not make sense. And he would know if you manipulated any of the memories.

The fact was that there were only dreams. Vivid dreams.

“I think that your dreams are where you disappeared to.”

taglist (overlined users i couldn't tag): @humanpersonlasttimeichecked @valeridarkness @his-sweet-nightmare @leeknows-wife @mich0731 @kristalhi @marina568 @brekkershadowsinger @cafe-inaaa @lovierhys @kenmaisacinnamonroll @alt-ghost @marigold-morelli @thelightnddarkness @amysangel @thecraziestcrayon @fall-myriad @a-court-of-milkandhoney @hungryforbatboys @elizarikaallen @allison-rosewood-maximoff​ @gamarancianne @weirdo-fun @tsumsamu @myheartfollower @acourtofmarvels @sunshine-and-midnight-rain @act1839 @reareaikea

if you asked for being tagged but it didn't happened, please gentle remind me :)

[obesogen]

I love my day to day live as a fairly fit, husky guy. But everytime I come in the internet, like your blog for example, I become a massive 600lbs whale of a man who devours anything in his path in his goal to become immense. I like the duality of it, maybe one day the huge guy will come to the surface and take over, wel, who knows…

Nice blog btw!!!

I find myself thinking about the duality you describe here a fair bit as well, Anon. Thank you for the kind words about this blog as well–It's a work in progress, but I'm having a good time.

Regarding your future fattening, I of course reside firmly on team

let the huge guy come to the surface

Don't you ever just wanna eat until you become a massive hog with a giant hanging gut that's well over 100 inches around, and hanging low, about to kiss the floor when you sit down. Do what you want to do in your heart

and you should get fat.

Myself, I sometimes fantasize about gaining with a Feeder bankrolling me, becoming so massively fat over the next few years that by the time I hit 40 my belly enters the room an entire foot before I do, swaying. I imagine my face viewed in profile is just a circle, all of my features submerged in a halo of fat cheeks and chins.

I look at very short, very fat people for inspiration, wishing I was 585 pounds, because I want to experience growing so obese that I can check having a triple digit BMI off my bucket list.

And on the other hand, I remind myself I would very much like to remain somewhat fit so I can fuck extremely fat people, people much fatter than me, with few if any limitations on what I can do physically.

And on the other other hand, the idea of blimping out with a gaining and encouraging partner(s) to the point where everyone is too fat to fuck in the standard ways and we blob out together instead also sounds very doable.

To me, my problem is I'm never any one thing. The idea of becoming permanently vulnerable by intentionally becoming so fat you have limited or no mobility is hot in no small part because it's a terrifying proposition. The depth of trust I would need to have with a feeder (and possibly a legal document) to be able to relax and let go enough to really hog out and hang up my independent life, is significant.

I get feeling torn ! Thanks for the ask!

[kiefbowl]

you know those anti smoking posters and ads that would show the timeline of what happens to you after you quit smoking starting from like 15 minutes and going into months and then years etc etc? like this:

I have no idea how scientific any of that is, that's just all preamble to give context to my other point: I feel like I can physically feel changes in my brain the longer away from the internet I am. Possibly psychosomatic, I'd be willing to concede that. But I feel like as my current job has left me with little to do but browse the internet all day, my social media and internet usage is way up again, and with that comes weird symptoms I've started to associate with it: brain fog, lack of focus, erratic thoughts, headaches, thought loops, low estimation of my capabilities, lack of trust in my own memory, and weird preoccupation with time and death. Granted, I struggle with depression and anxiety, but paired with increased internet usage I seem even more hyper vigilant at observing my internalization and I become extremely disconnected with my external realities, even so far as wondering "is this real?" That's at the most extreme end, usually I think I have over-all a pretty healthy relationship with the internet, especially due to great practice and awareness over the past few years, but can slide into over-usage pretty quickly. I've felt more aware of these "symptoms" as I've practice things like taking hiatuses (which I recommend) of all different lengths.

This moment in time I feel the most aware of the phenomenon of increased internet usage = symptoms impacting my physical life, maybe due to age or my increased awareness. The other day I realized the thought I was having was just an image looping in my mind like a gif. I was like...am I literally not thinking of anything? But the ability to recognize it stopped it and then I spent the rest of the day away from the computer and my phone and realized my mood was better and I was more present by the end of the day when at the beginning of the day I felt like I couldn't keep a straight thought about anything. I've also realized (in this current past few weeks) I've gotten into a habit of opening too many things on the internet...I'll open a youtube video and as it's loading, open tumblr, and as I'm scrolling realizing I've seen most the posts, so then I open a browser game, but that's boring, so I'm checking my email, and that reminds me of a task I haven't done but when I open another tab I can't remember it already so I'm back at the youtube video....trying to do eight things at once but never really fully committed to any of them. It's freaky to realize you've fallen into this habit when you can spend hours of the day acting like a normal person!

But that's the reason I bring up the cigarette posters is that the effects of "quitting" the internet seem almost immediate. I put my phone in the other room and sit with a book and the first few pages feel excruciating, but if I make myself keep going, 15 minutes later I'm reading like a normal person and yet part of my brain is going "why did you think that this was hard it's just reading so weird so weird so weird" and then 30 minutes later that part of my brain is silent and I'm really reading and it's fine. And I also notice when I leave the house, it takes any activity at all to get lost into being alive again rather than hyper vigilantly observing myself. But so many kids (and adults) joke about not wanting to leave the house. I think for normal and otherwise healthy people, you could easily reverse the effects of anti-social behavior your internet usage is convincing you of by simply "touching grass" (lol), but a lot of people are convinced of some intrinsic truth about themselves because they aren't as critical of their internet usage as other people are, so they don't see the connection between their usage and their life choices. You could literally go for a walk and feel normal again.

I don't really have a conclusion except maybe that the brain is very fascinating, and it's very capable of absorbing so much information at once, that to give it care we need to not overload it. But what I've found to work for me is to not "shut if off" but give it something else to do...a book to read, an art project, an errand to complete. These are thoughts I've been collecting in my mind for years but never felt the need to make a long winded post about, until recently when my circumstances change and that was enough to ramp up my internet usage after a lot of work to be more conscientious about it. I really wrote this off the hip, I just wanted to get some thoughts down.

[ganondoodle]

I just wanna say firstly that i adore your artwork and takes6on Zelda in general! Secondly, much as I wish you never had to deal with the frustrations of creating (especially when you tack on the stress of being on any kind of social platform), I'm glad you talk about your struggle. I've heard people talk about art block every day since I learned what Art was, but nobody ever mentioned "painting oneself into a corner". It's such an apt description that is so infuriatingly relatable that I had to stop eating to thank you for putting it into words. I really appreciate that you're willing to talk about your setbacks in a place like Tumblr, and still share your arts and thoughts. All the best from US of hellscape A, i hope you're doing well.

Thank you!

i used to call it artblock as well, its the most normalized term i guess; i randomly started calling it painting myself into a corner when i got stuck or frustrated on a painting bc welll, it sure feels like it, you painted the walls all around you and dont know how to get out now

it usually happens when i stop having fun and just draw what i want and instead keep subconsciously forcing myself into arbitrary rules; in my case its usually trying to be too perfect, i try to adhere to the sketch, i try to make every block of color have a perfectly clean edge, separate the drawing into way too many layers and am afraid to delete or erase anything, i tense up my whole body as frustration builds bc of impatience as this method of painting does not work for me at all and in the end lose motivation on it all and my nerves are stretched thin (i work best when i think as little as possible, just kinda loosely letting my hand do what it wants on few layers and no specific plan, after losing that its hard to get it back)

having those low moments with your art is normal as your skill grows, but even knowing so, and having gone through it countless times, it never stops making you feel like shit, and its especially frustrating when it happens when you just got enough time to work on stuff or have alot of ideas but you cant get it to work

(and funnily enough it also tends to happen after another work of mine got more attention than i thought .. even worse when it was just a sketch bc now i got the pressure on me to actually finish it and the fear of it doing worse once done looms over the whole thing- which doesnt mean i dont want people to interact with my wips, bc that also has an extremely demotivating factor to it bc it makes me think no one cares or it sucks and doesnt deserve the time i would need to spend on finishing it; also .. alot of my wips stay wips forever, which is fine, but like .. you cant always expect a finished tm version to happen)

i do find it a little funny you praise me for talking openly about it bc i am notoriously unable to shut up ever and only recently got better at NOT talking as much about it when i feel as shitty as this bc it doesnt really help anyone and gets annoying really fast xD (im also notoriously unable to not post absolutely everything bc i got no one to show it to and otherwise it will just collect dust on my harddrive so i might as well throw it out there no matter how much i might hate it, someone else might still enjoy it anyway)

and greetings back from the -not really much less of a hellscape- that is germany o/

[darkjazzpunk]

Cold-blooded (BaizhuxReader)

Prompt: 'cuddle me already, damit'

--------------------------------------------------------------

Any other man you would not have believed a single word if he had come with this excuse. But the doctor was different. Yes, he also played his games, but such a thing was far below his dignity. Before you could answer, Baizhu took off his glove and put your hand on his arm. His skin was really freezing! If his body temperature was already so low, how was he able to move at all?

"I understand your reluctance and believe me when I tell you that I am anything but comfortable asking you to do this," his flame-colored eyes looked to the side in embarrassment. He seemed really uncomfortable.

Slowly you let your fingers slide down his arm, "Don't worry, I don't have a problem with it if it helps to keep you warm. But I am curious…"

His green eyebrow went up questioningly.

"Does your cold-bloodedness come from your illness, or?" you looked him straight in the eye and nodded slightly. Your counterpart understood immediately and covered his pretty mouth with his fingers before chuckling.

"My illness is actually making it worse, but no, my cold-bloodedness is part of my 'nature'. I usually combat it with a hot water bottle or a cherry stone pillow. However, I didn't expect it to start raining like this. That was careless of me. I must have been distracted."

You stopped his babbling with a hand gesture and smiled at him encouragingly, "Let's try it, but I warn you, I'm not good at keeping my body temperature myself, so I can't promise it will work."

"Don't worry! I didn't even expected you to comply with my brazen request," Baizhu waved his hands.

Chansheng had already nestled herself on one of the roof beams and watched the spectacle as each thunderclap elicited a small hiss from her. Her partner looked up at her with concern, "Are you sure you want to stay up there? I can make room for you in my first aid bag if you want."

The white snake didn't even have eyelids, but still seemed capable of a provocative facial expression. something that has always fascinated you.

"No thanksss. I'd like to be able to warp, after all, sshould you two have other plansss for keeping warm…"

"Changsheng!" now it was Baizhu who let out a low hiss and shook his head, " Y/N is the whole situation certainly awkward enough, it doesn't need your rash comments."

Your cheeks began to glow and you looked to the side, embarrassed. Actually, a comment of that kind was quite to be expected from this firecracker. Nevertheless, it caught you off guard.

Even more unprepared, however, was the thought that you wouldn't mind too much if there was 'more' that night. You quickly discarded the dirty idea before it could take a more precise form.

Even if such a thing were within the realm of possibility, Baizhu would never abuse your trust in such a way. He was not exactly known for his high caliber, but he was far from being that corrupt. Despite all the rumors, he still had his principles, especially in this area.

In general, he was extremely careful when it came to lust and love. He knew about his attraction and his good looks that made many people of all sexes fall into pining behind his back.

You were just one of many who had fallen for his charm and the mysterious aura around him.

With a shake of your head, you dispelled the thoughts and turned to your backpack. You didn't have anything to sleep in, but you had gotten used to bringing at least one set of change clothes with you when you worked with the pharmacist. It was very important to make a well-groomed impression during house calls and you never knew what the treatment would entail.

As you tried to shoo away the painful memory of your favorite blouse full of blood, you felt a light tap on your shoulder.

Turning around you looked directly into the two amber eyes, with the vertical pupils and the coquettish eye shadow. Your pulse inevitably quickened a bit.

"Do you want to go to the bathroom first?"

"You just go first… I'll ask when dinner is served." was your short-tempered answer, before you quickly walked out the door.

~A short while and a relativley quiet dinner later~

"Is there a side you prefer?", Baizhus eyed you closely, his senses attuned to regsitrating any hint of unwillingness on your part.

You're pretty nervous, but not so much that your boss is going to stop the whole thing.

"F/s," you say after thinking about it for the first time in your life. He seemed to want to make you as comfortable as possible. The pharmacist even emphasized that no physical contact was necessary, your body temperature would be evenly distributed under the blanket and that was enough for him not to cool down too much, which should speed up your departure the next day.

Changsheng on the beam had already left for the land of dreams a long time ago, which was only demostrated by the absence of her occasional tongue flick.

The two of you also lay down, careful to keep a respectable distance. Lying in a bed as boss and employee was wicked enough.

After a few hours, however, there was nothing left of the gap between you. The storm outside had brought with it a considerable chill. Instead of giving Baizhu some warmth, you both froze, which made you sleep closer to each other.

As Baizhu's body moved on its own in search of warmth, his hand on your hip woke you both up. The doctor was about to rattle off a series of apologies when you abruptly interrupted him.

"Cuddle me already, damn it," your demand was underlined by the chattering of your teeth. As much as some depraved part of you wanted those words to have an ambiguous meaning, it was the coldness that made you call out to him.

The green-haired one hesitated, but gave in after another blast of ice-cold wind and snuggled up to you, burying his face in your neck. You were freezing yourself, but compared to him, your body was lukewarm.

And he became steadily warmer. Now it was the bashfulness that made your body run hot. His figure was so close that you felt every single fiber that touched your body. His silky soft skin, which laid like cool satin on you. His long fingers wrapped securely around your side. His concise hip bone that pressed right into your back dimple. One of your most erogenous spots… In addition, his breath brushed in even strokes over your neck.

Behind you, Baizhu had already noticed how his presence made your body warm up. He had to pull himself together not to provoke you even more to be able to tap more heat from you in return. Restrained by the cold like that he wouldn't be able to do anything anyways. Not that he would...

He was not a saint, but he was not that vicious either.

The only thing he let himself do was to let his hand slide up and down your side once.

Even though everything in him screamed to constrict you and devour you in the most sinful ways...

[just-anka]

1000 km in 21 days, self supported ✅️

Those numbers have been my focus for quite some time now. Early this year, I was looking for a big endurance goal. This one had been floating around for some time. It seemed like a cool idea - taking something I love and have done a lot of, namely long distance hiking ("thru hiking") to a bit of an extreme, make it a challenge. It never felt entirely possible - it requires averaging 47.6 km a day, which is technically an ultramarathon every day for three weeks straight, although walking not running, but with a backpack. Plus, that includes town/resupply days, days with harder terrain, bad weather days... It seemed crazy until I did that three day test hike in Scotland in the spring. After that, it still seemed crazy, I just thought that maybe I could do it anyway. But I couldn't possibly have imagined back then what the actual thing would be like. I'm proud of the numbers, but I'm more proud of what it took to get there.

In these three weeks, I saw everything from the lowest lows to the highest highs. So many times, I thought the goal was out of reach for good. There was one specific moment, 13 days in, where I realised I wasn't going to give up. After that, I kept going even when it felt impossible, when I couldn't, when I thought I knew for sure the goal was out of reach. So many days finished after 11 pm, 15 or 16 hours after I started walking. Days on end with wet feet, hours without a single stop because the mosquitos were eating me alive, knee deep bogs, and on one occasion, around midnight, finding myself on top of a sheer cliff instead of the trail. Then again, there were days when I still felt incredible 40 km and 1,500m of elevation gain into the day, days when I couldn't believe the views and wildlife (spot the reindeer!), that time I crested a pass at 11 pm to see a whole new mountain skyline spread out before me, the entire sky on fire in sunset colours; the feeling of getting to a cabin just as a downpour starts and making dinner while the wind whips the windows with rain.

Nothing could have prepared me for the terrain, all above the arctic circle. At lower elevations, it was unlike anything I've ever seen before, swampy forests full of mosquitos and overgrown trails; and high up, rocky mountains, often crossing massive boulder fields for hours at a time. Pictures 5 and 6 are both "the trail". Picture 9 kind of sums up some sections of the hike: trail? Yes. No. Maybe, if you're lucky. And then again, other days held miles and miles of perfect single track. I'm not sure anything will ever live up to the feeling of crossing five mountain passes in a single day, of leaving one mountain range and climbing into the next one in the span of a few hours, of hiking deep into the night under the midnight sun, of seeing the distance I just traversed with my own feet since I woke up this morning on a map. I definitely could have picked an easier trail for this whole endeavour, but I wanted to do the thing that inspired me most, and despite cursing the trail many, many times, I'm glad I ended up where I did. I did most of these miles on the Nordkallotruta/Nordkallotleden/Kallotireiti/Arctic Trail, and it was challenging but beautiful and altogether worth it.

Another less happy result of my high mileage was that I left behind anyone I met within a few hours at most, in a rather quiet place to begin with. Nevertheless I crossed paths with some incredible people, and thankfully had a lot of emotional support from some of my favourite humans back home, haha (extra shout out to Ben for keeping me on my feet as usual).

Altogether, this was certainly the hardest (physical) thing I've ever done, but it was also an incredible experience, and one I'm going to remember for a long time.

[aurienneirua]

trying to think about how aurien would take castor’s death since i haven’t really articulated it quite yet . .

i think ill be using how blue diamond from steven universe take’s pink’s death as a bit of an projection onto aurien and inspiration !

well, ill start on how aurien was with solei’s disappearance . since me and @billwasnot actually discussed this before, i feel like i can articulate and word this much more then i usually do . ill also limit how long this is since that’s probably for a whole nother post .

( edit after finishing : wow im a really bad liar )

to put it into simple and hopefully straightforward words, aurien did not process solei’s disappearance at first, and her feelings about it in extension .

when they finally started to bubble up, she shoved them down . they poison parts of her in response, and she’s stuck in a cage and cycle of grief, slowly shutting down mentally and emotionally . even when she and solei reunite, she still has them shoved down .

now, finally onto cas !

for him mainly, id say she feels empty after his death .

she falls into a prolonged period of time where she either feels just . . empty, or all she can feel is pain and grief .

although she openly expresses her emotions now and doesn’t shove them away, she instead wallows in them, refusing to move on because she just doesn’t want to .

the words im referring to starting at 1 : 07 and ending on 1 : 16 being :

“ im sorry . im so sorry . i should have done more . ————— says it will all be over soon . i wonder what you would think . “

also think blue’s tone matches her exactly as well lol . quiet and low .

the words “ im sorry . im so sorry . “ transferring onto aurien in the way of how she knows she failed to save him, and “ i should have done more . “ being how she wishes that she could have, and regrets greatly how in the end, she did not .

also gonna put down some lyrics from what’s the use of feeling blue as well since that can also fit auri . .

“ why would you want to be here ? / what do you ever see here ? / that doesn’t make you feel worse then you do ? / and tell me, what’s the use of feeling, ( blue ) ? /

oh, how can you stand to be here with it all ? ( here with it all ) / drowning in all this regret ? / wouldn’t you rather forget ( him ) ? /

start looking forward and stop looking back, oh “

( formatting style originally by @sotogalmo ! )

ok, first, “ why would you want to be here ? / what do you ever see here ? / that doesn’t make you feel worse then you do ? / and tell me, what’s the use of feeling, ( blue ) ? / “ would probably be about her extreme unwillingness to move on ? and maybe also how as a result, she only feels worse and worse, inflicting pain upon herself because she feels she deserves it .

secondly and lastly, “ oh, how can you stand to be here with it all ? ( here with it all ) / drowning in all this regret ? / “ this one’s a more clear one for me . . she definitely is drowning in regret . another possible thing would be that the lyrics “ how can you stand to be here with it all ? “ can maybe be her actually asking herself that . .

how can she still stand here— why is she still here with everything that’s been going on ? she’s not special . so many people matter so much more then her . why does she live ?

anyways, i wrap it up here . . partly because i don’t think i have anything else to say, this post is already getting long, and im pretty disappointed about how this came out .

i came in with a clear mindset, ( which normally helps a lot when im trying to write things like this ) but it got muddled pretty easily . although i want to take more time on this, im not really patient with myself, and ive been having a lot of trouble wording things lately .

i don’t know how long it’ll take to “ word this right “, but i know it’ll be long combined with some other factors . I think I’ll maybe come back to update or expand on this though . . anyways, any thoughts about my depressed pookie aurien ?

( castor : @bluemoonscape )

( side note : lolol id love to hear your and possibly cas’s ( if he were still alive COUGH ) on this ! also i already have a little au in my head where auri and solei save cas . . and auri shoots and shatters a screen displaying kyo that was distracting cas mizi all in style . . may i know how he would react to this and hold up if they did save him . .

[manias-wordcount]

Hi! Can I get Edward Elric (Fullmetal Alchemist), Tamaki Suoh (OHSHC), and Illumi Zoldyck with a hypermobile fem s/o with knee problems?

Here’s where the insight comes: now, because of my flexible joints, I can do all sorts of weird things. I can twist my arms like 360 degrees or so (sometimes, I hear the joints popping; it doesn’t hurt most of the time, but I do feel a minor squeeze at worst), I can bend my thumb to my forearm (though it hurts somewhat if I hold it too long, but that goes away quickly; for some reason, my left is more flexible than my right), and I’ve been known to be able to touch my shoulder or even my face with my foot if I stretch it enough. Also, my skin is stretchier than most people’s, and it’s to the point where I can kind of cover my thumb in my hand (and it freaks people out). Also, I can do this thing where I turn my hands inward and my elbows poke out (I legit once had a girl come to me saying, “That’s not normal,” bless her heart. I even do what’s called the W position on a daily basis, which is comfortable to sit in but takes a bit to get up from. Conveniently, it allows me to scratch my own back without a backscratcher or even give myself a massage if I want. On the downside, I have a history of kneecap dislocations (I’ve had a total of 4: 3 times in the left kneecap and once in the right, all on separate occasions and it’s been happening since I was 13). As such, I’m best off with low-impact exercises like swimming or cycling because they’re easier on my joints than, say, soccer. Thankfully, I’ve found things like hot baths and basically being in hot water is very soothing for my joints. Also, I remember I was once recommended mustard paste for my kneecaps but I have yet to test it. I don’t know the exact cause of my hypermobility because I haven’t been diagnosed yet but that’s ok.

Note: I don’t know if you write for Meliodas from Seven Deadly Sins or Snake from Black Butler, but if you do, are you ok with adding them too? If not, would another character of your choice from those fandoms be ok?

Hypermobile S/o with knee problems HCs (Edward Elric, Tamaki Suoh, Illumi Zoldyck, Meliodas, Snake)

𝗔/𝗡: 𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗴𝗼 !!!!

𝙒𝙖𝙣𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙙 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚? ⇒ 𝙈𝙖𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙧𝙡𝙞𝙨𝙩

𝙟𝙤𝙞𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙤𝙧𝙙 𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚𝙧?

Edward Elric

Out of everyone?

He’s probably the one who knows the most about hypermobility

Though he was extremely surprised the first time he saw it in action

It’s something he definitely read about when doing all kinds of studies about the human body

And when he was just finding out about hypermobility, he was probably surprised at first about just how much more complex it is

Though now that he’s older, he’s prepared to help with any potential problems that may arise for you

However, he’s still Ed

He’ll be the one to help you to the infirmary when your knee dislocates

But you know he’ll panic and he’ll yell about it first before he gains enough sense to get you the help you need

So at least he isn’t totally useless…he’s just Ed!

Tamaki Suoh

10000% will scream “WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR BODY” the first time he saw your hypermobility

But don’t worry

A quick dumbed-down explanation (by Haruhi or even Karou) will have Tamaki singing a different tune in a second

In fact, he’d probably start asking if you could do a bunch of tricks

And if you could show it to him too LOL

Out of everyone, it’ll probably be Honey to ask if it ever hurts doing all the things your body is able to do

And the second you mention your knee problems? Oh boy

Tama-chan is going to be all over you

Researching about all the things that could ever go wrong, looking up what he can ever do to help, finding out if there's stuff he can buy you to make things better- the works

But hey! At least he’s supportive!

Illumi Zoldyck

He knows

No need to tell you anything

In fact, knowing him and his family?

It’s entirely possible he knew before YOU did

If you ever do anything to showcase your hypermobility, he won’t comment much on it

He’s just content watching you do your own thing

He will tell you to be careful though

But you don’t have to worry much

The household knows your medical history- all of it

Illumi (and literally anyone on the Zoldyck payroll) are here to assist you if ever the need arises

Meliodas

Genuinely does think it’s cool

But he’ll be super nonchalant about it as he usually is with the weirdest things

Though you know he’ll be bragging about how cool he thinks you are when he gets drunk to the other guys

Of course, it’s probably Gowther that points out how your hypermobility has been the source of a few instances of pain for you

And suddenly it starts to make sense why you’re the first to move far away from a fight

Aside from Hawks after someone gives him a swift kick to belly

And your general avoidance for anything high impact

Naturally, he’s going to start consulting the all-knowing Merlin if there’s anything she can do to help you

And even though it’s disappointing to hear that she currently has nothing in her arsenal, you at least have a very powerful demon now looking out for you in case of a problem!

(…As if you didn’t have that all along LOL)

Snake

As a (former) member of Noah’s Ark circus, you’re not the first person he’s met with hypermobility

Compared to others, finding out about this aspect of your life isn’t so surprising given his upbringing

Though he can’t say he expected it

Something like this isn’t so obvious until it is

Of course, that doesn’t mean he knows anything about it

He’s not the most sociable (or knowledgeable) for that matter

It was through getting close to you and hearing you speak about yourself that he was able to learn about hypermobility and how it affects you in particular

Finding out about your knee problems and your other sources of pain definitely made him a little more protective

Not like he was doing anything that would end up bad for you in the first place but still!

Snake is a good boy at heart! He’ll look out for you <3