#the only thing is. i have to work today. and i dont want to work six hours on no sleep
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Open letter to all GL fandoms with a dive in the Thai GL History created by @Kguardian0805 on X
Each GL brings something different to the table that helps to expand the industry that until 3 years ago was non-existent, only served for secondary characters with 10 minutes of screen time. FreenBecky not only designed but also built the table and they were the first to serve the main dishes and prove to everyone that it was possible, necessary and profitable.
And I'm not eliminating the importance of Tina & Aom, their film was Thai's first success in GL, so much so that it even won a sequel, but despite the international success, it failed to open the Thai industry to GLs. Because after Yes or No sucess GL entered a limbo for more than 10 years, with GL only appearing with secondary roles and seconds on screen.
It was only in 2021 with Chen, Saint and FreenBecky that things started to change because they announced Thai's first GL series and no one I repeat NO ONE but themselves believed it would work and there was worth it do it. Producers, companies, sponsors, fans even other actors continued to say that it would be a fiasco, a disaster so they all refused to support or be minimally associated with FreenBecky at that time.
But the girls and IDF were producing GAP for the right reasons and they didn't give up no matter the difficulties and the no's. Saint used all his money and his mother's savings to produce GAP and if he failed IDF would go bankrupt along with them. And was with a that perseverence and good representation mentality that GAP, the underdog show, beat all BLs in 2023 become a phenomenon and opened up the industry to GLs.
it was due to the success of GAP's exhibition on CH3 that made the channel want to produce and invest in their 1st GL; it was the success of GAP that moved Blank's CEO to make the series happen using a direct continuation of the story on her own terms and artists; it was FreenBecky's phenomenon that proved to GMMTV that GL is worth it so they finally stopped rambling and unshelve ML and their fandom unleashing their 1st GL; and the list of impact could go on with several other names and situations like the government support bc either directly or indirectly it was the success of GAP and FB that start the GL wave and made viable and visible our needs and existence as an audience to the Thai Industry.
admitting that DOES NOT make inferior your favorite couple/GLs because now with the industry growing many fans entered the industry for other artists/series and thats is a big win cuz was always the main goal of FB/IDF see that happening when they produced GAP, but please don't try to rewrite history or erase, belittle the sacrifices made by FB and IDF so you could today have a wave of GLs to choose your faves from; being true to this fact, liking FB or not, only proves your character and respect for the GL history.
So if u are a multifandom or just a GL enjoyer, respect everyone equally without differential treatment; if u are fans of other couples/series focus on them and appreciate their work, no need to minimize FB, their importance and work to value your fave,there is room for everyone. Remember if everyone always occupies different seats at this table, making different dishes, if the artists can respect each other and support, the fandom should at least respect each other or stay, know their place.
also stop harassing artists and their companies for things that don't belong to them, dont match their profile, each duo and company works in a different way; just demand for better productions and representation, better management of artists and not about other things. Lets make this space the most health possible we will disagre in a lot of things, we will fight over awards but pls be smart about it cuz a lot ppl, especially men, would love to see us fail, so stop playing their games but just uplift the woman in this field and the GL wave.
I wish all the best to all artists in GL world with special shoutout to MilkLove and their new series and Englot with Petrichor cuz I've been following their fight, struggles since 2022 and only wish the best for them over their really difficult company. Lets keep growing, all of us!
I wish all the best to all artists in GL world with special shoutout to ML and their new series and Englot with Petrichor cuz I've been following their fight, struggles since 2022 and only wish the best for them over their really difficult company. Lets keep growing, all of us
PS: I decide to share this thread here cuz dont only I agree but the GL world need that positivity and also really know their history and real adversaries which is a industry full of men, people who make GL and woman work difficult. Within our comunity and as woman we need at least respect each other and fully protect us from a place who always use and belittle our work and value.
#freenbecky#milklove#englot#gap the series#idolfactory#the loyal pin#petrichor the series#23.5 the series#blank the series#the secret of us#gl series#wlw representation#cranium the series#uranus2324#freen sarocha#becky armstrong#beckysangels#srchafreen
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zaun (part three of attention)
i | ii | iii | iv
      rays of sunshine creep through the tiny cracks of your blinds, waking you up from your deep slumber. the moment you open your eyes, you let out a groan of annoyance. whatâs worse is it hurts when you swallow, you feel a slight throbbing in your head, and you feel sluggish. you think that you might be sick. just in time, your alarm clock screams. a slam of your hand shuts it up: shut up, im already up. you force yourself out of bed and opt for a quick showerâ grabbing your towel and necessities, you walk to your bathroom. thanks to your shampoo and soap, you manage to smell like lavender and vanilla; a scent youve always adored.
stripping your clothes, you step under the showerhead and turn it onâ letting the cold water hit your somehow hot body. im gonna run a fever, arent i. you grumble in irritation, but you focus on the water hitting you, pondering about your interaction with sevika. now that you think about it, its been a couple of days since her last visit. a single question runs into your mind: maybe i should go to zaun again, it is my day-off.Â
youve made up your mind, youâll explore the city.Â
laying out clothes on your bed, picking your choice of outfit; black cargo pants paired with black shirt, layered with a coat, and black bootsâ cant forget your trusty dagger. you check your watch and you figure youâd be there in a couple of minutes. with one final look at yourself in the mirror, you head out.
the bustling city fills all your senses, i probably wont get used to this. this time, you fully take in zaunâ kids playing on the streets, drunkards already drinking, elders talking to each other, everyone seems lively today you thought. putting your hands in your pockets, you turn into an alleyway. markus was right, curiosity will get you killed. while walking, you see a child crying in his grandmother's arms and of course, you being a nosy woman, listened to them.
âbut grandma,â he wails out, âi really love that radio. whyâd they have to destroy it?â
his grandma rubs his head comfortingly, âhush now, ill buy you a new one.â
      you know that look in her eyes, that guilt and regret swimming in her eyes: she wont be able to buy one. look, you werent always a piltie, but that story can be told another time. absentmindedly, your feet bring you to them. you were only snapped back to reality when you hear her ask.
âwhat do you want? we dont have anything anymore.â the elder hisses out.
you raise your arms, âim not here to take anything, im here to see if i can fix your radio.â
what?
âwhat?â
this is what i get for being nosy, âi know a few things about âem.â
      but the twinkle in the boyâs eyes, his sniffles quieting down, and hugging his grandma tighter? you had to do something.Â
âr-really?â heâs a timid little kid.
you slowly kneel beside them, âyeah, kid. ill try to fix it, cant promise you though.â
      you take a look around their houseâ its small and messy, considering theyre living in an alley, you cant judge. tools that you can use are tucked away in a box in the corner, thinking theyre good enough. seeing that youre eyeing them, the kid hurriedly brings you the box. thanking him, you carefully grab the radio; its old, and run-down, but it works. using a flathead, you disassemble it.
âits not broken, luckily.â you take a glance at the two, âthe screws are loose, so you just have to tighten them again.â
      you turn it on once you assemble it back to its original form, a small smile creeps into your face as you hear static before hearing voices.
the grandma brings out her waller, âhow much do i need to paââ
âdont mind,â you stand up to interrupt her, âits my day off.â
her face shows gratitude but her eyes show seriousness, âdont give kindness here easily, kid.â
      your eyebrows furrow, confused by her comment. you could only offer them a nod before making your way deeper into the alleyway, relieved you could fix the radio. before turning, you hear the kid yell a thank you which makes you chuckle. but your victory is cut short when you hear a fight going on. your instincts turning on, you put your back against the wall and take a peek behind it.
its sevika. and shes not looking good. her arm isnt working, sheâs outnumbered: she looks like sheâs about to pass out. debating whether you should help, you watch for a few seconds. one man was about to punch her but you quickly jumped in to block it. her eyes met yours almost immediately, however, you ignored her and put yourself between her and them.
âyou shouldnt be here, pretty little thing.â the middle guy snarled.Â
you only stare at them, âi really dont give a fuck. like, at all.â
      guess that pissed him off because he quickly charges at you but you trip him and stepped aside to give him to sevika, seeing the vulnerable man heading her way, she quickly uses her right hand to punch him in the face. on the other side, you were dealing with two guys. one rushes to throw a fist but you evade by ducking and giving the other man a punch in the liver: a body shot, he crumbles down to his kneesâ giving you the chance to deal with the other.Â
âlousy,â you comment, jabbing him and hitting his nose, âweak, unfocused, poor execution.â
      with every insult, you land hit after hit. he bares his yellow teeth at you while holding his bloody nose and mouth. you feel arms around your torsoâ throwing your lower body in the air and forcibly throwing yourself down, you make the clingy man stumble forwardâ hitting his buddy. your gaze goes back to sevika and you see her getting pinned to the wall. quickly grabbing your dagger, you make your way to them and slash the back of his knees, making him let go of her. sevika pants but lands a hit to his jawâ knocking him out cold.
you turn to look at the other two, only to see their back turned against you, already running away. cowards. hearing her groans and labored breathing, you turn around and help her upâ putting her arm around your shoulder and trying to support her weight.
âi didnt need your help,â sevika grunts out.
you sneer back, âsure, sure. you look like you were winning actually.â
      she tries to escape your hold but right now, you are much stronger than her. you scold her and force her to hold onto you.Â
âdont play with me right now, sevika. my head is already hurting,â you warn her.
sevika huffs out, âjust this once. i have a safe house somewhere around here, its not far.â
      scared that she was gonna bleed out, you briskly walk, but still gently handling her. after a few minutes, you reach an abandoned building. she leads this time. this place is a goddamn maze, the smell of wood and cigarette brings you back to reality, the door to her safe house opening.Â
you take in the sight, you snort at the messy place. she limps to sit on her couch, letting you close and lock the door. you rush to her to assess her injuries: bruises, cuts, and a wound that would probably need stitches.
âyou got a kit?â you ask but youre already rummaging through her things.
she snorts, âbathroom, lower cabinet.â
      making a beeline for it, you hurriedly walk to her bathroom. seeing the kit, you let out a breath of relief and grab yourself a few ointments and a wet cloth. you go back to her and she looks like sheâs really about to pass out. your voice wakes her up, making her stare at you.
âthis is gonna sting,â you prepare the stitch to start.
she dismisses your comment with a wave of her bloody hand, âthis is nothing.â
      only breaths and occasional groans from her fill the quiet room, giving your entire focus to finishing her stitch. snipping the thread, you move on to clean her wounds with the wet cloth you grabbed earlierâ dabbing and rubbing the blood away, sevika lets the calming action take over her. too tired and worn out to complain. roughly twenty minutes pass and you finally reach her face; taking a moment to stare at her, your eyes roam from her eyebrows, down to her nose, and travel down to stare at her lips.Â
âyou done starinâ at me?â though her eyes are still closed, you figure she mightve felt your gaze.
warm cloth meets her skin, âwasnt staring at you, i was starinâ at your wounds, asshat.â
      she suddenly grabs you by the waist to pull you to her, your hands landing on her chest to steady yourself.Â
âwhat are you doing.â red paints your ears.
she chuckles lowly, a sound that makes you want to rub your thighs together, âim only making it easier for you.â
âactually, this is harder for me,â you manage to blur out, âstupid.â
      you attempt to pull away but her hold only tightens around you. sevika finally opens her eyes to look at you and you realize: blood loss.Â
she looks intently at you, slowly leaning in and putting her nose into your throatâ inhaling your scent. you flush at this, the redness covering your entire face now. sevika drags her nose up to the side of your neck, finding your pulse; youre scared sheâs gonna feel how fast its pulsing. your hand grips her bicep, feeling the muscle and how solid her body is. your eyes shut as her nose travels up your jaw, her lips just grazing your skin.Â
âyou shouldnt have come back here,â she whispers out.
      you didnt know it was possible to be closer to her but she grounded you on her crotchâ making you straddle her. she pushed you down into her, emitting a throaty groan from her. you, on the other hand, are breathless, you cant think properly, your ears are ringing, and your hands are shaking. she kisses your jaw, resulting in you opening your eyes.
your hand thatâs holding the cloth squeezes between the two of you and positions itself on her forehead to push her away. her head lolls back as she finally sleeps. Ignoring the fire in your abdomen, one thought crosses your mind: fuck, that did things to you.Â
note: finally building tension
#sevika imagine#sevika arcane#arcane#wlw post#wlw#sevika x reader#sevika x female reader#sevika#fanfic#sevika fanfic#sevika x you#female reader#fem reader
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If you were to like redesign Magneto's classic outfit in a way that both suits the character and your own tastes, how would you redesign it?
uhhhh errrmmmmm i dont know i really couldnt improve upon perfection but i have still tried for you my friend !!!
#xmen#xmen comics#magneto#erik lehnsherr#max eisenhardt#erik magnus lensherr#like ig fc erik there too but only if you squint Generally Speaking this aint about him#snap sketches#i thought this was gonna be a quick thing but then As I Do i sat and thought about it for too long#and for what. my end result isn't that different from the beginning !! tragic .#out of these i think. it MAY be obvious i like the far right one#once i remembered I Do In Fact love megaman i locked in cause everytime i draw Classic Magneto all i think of is megaman#cant even make a magnetman joke that mfer already exists and he from my FAVORITE classic megaman title tyvm#anyway. should i explain my reasoning now. man i guess i can try#i couldnt tho is the thing- at least for the first set i really was just ickin around and seeing what i Might like#evidently it was nothing LMAO i told yall i cant improve perfection ... so i just. Smash Bros'd his classic look#With some tearing on the cape cause i said so ............#at most- with the furthermost right bit- i just wanted to emphasize a feeling of 'power' hence the chunkier boots + gloves#with the first look i tried that angle with showing some arm skin buuuuttt i dont like it ...#i think the sleeveless look really only works if the outfit's black idk i cant explain it#overall the first design i tried just feels too sleek for my liking if i wanted to go for a 'power' approach#i like the 'M' i did with the legs at least. i really wanted to incorporate an M in case it wasnt clear but alas ...#tbh i might steal the boots/gloves/underwear design from myself when i draw classic magneto regularly. SHRUG we'll see#as for now i am very sleepy and i have class in the morning and i want to do some work Before Class#very cool but very sad i dont have my third class today :( its my fave class :( at least i get more time to work#and the more work i get done the more time i get to draw the sillies !!! epic ...#anyways. good night everyone !!!!!!! talk to yall tomorrow ..... probably ... or later ig technically... i should sleep earlier <- wont
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#ryu ga gotoku#rgg#yakuza series#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza like a dragon#yakuza 7#daigo dojima#ryo aoki#masato arakawa#snap sketches#im annoyed looking at this jaGELARKGJ#I LIKE MY LNIE ART BUT .... just nthing was clicking with me rtying to shade this#i only meant for this to be a quick thing today but i ended up mulling over it for longer than i wanted so im just throwing it out there#every time i make a rendered drawing of aokis office it always dark as hell like bro PLEASE you have a lamp#theres like ONE instance where i dont make it dark and it was in that goofy Rumor Mill comic#LIKE EVEN THAT COMIC ABOUT ARAKAWA BEING DEAD IT'S DAYTIME YET I STILL MADE IT DARK VJLAKJVAE#ridiculosu.#moving on ive wanted to draw them playing chess for months i just kept. Not Knowing How To Do It#whats funny is that i initially was planning an entirely different thing but i was thinking about that too much i got stressed#so . thats why i worked on this. and then i got stressed over this đđđ#speaking of chess ive always wanted a chessboard birthday cake with edible pieces .. that a lotta work tho ...#i love chess ... am i good at it probably not but i still lke to play it on my phone sometimes ..#guess ill work on that other thing now that im free and i know what i wanna do now that ive slept on it ... lol ...#mk bye i dont like rendering
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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eldest daughter syndrome really do be kicking my ass tbh
#i just find it like so unfair yknow#im the only one who works in myhouse and full time#but i come home and the house isnt clean and i tidy up and sort everything out and tidy the kitchen anf living room after dinner and put#my sister to bed and yk if there was no one else to do these things id understand but#i have 5 brothers all of whom are adults and they dont lift a finger#its not as if any of them work bec they dont and neither does my dad#and im so so so exhausted yk? bec not everything is my job or responsibility#and i keep blaming other things for me getting sick but yknow what maybe i just dont rest enough#and the other day i was upset bec i'd had a tough day at work and i felt unwell and i cleaned up everything after dinner and my brother#said i didnt have a right to be upset bec i âchoseâ this. like as if i chose to work full time nd do all the chores for a family of 9#and it just really upsets me bec no one sees an issue with it and im so mad at my mom at rhe same time#constant therapy sessions w her bec shes mad at my dad and wants someone to vent at and then he does the same abt her and my brothers#and im so tired yknow just sososos tired bec she'll complain abt how they dont do anything but then she wont ensure they do either#its just empty complaints whereas she thrust responsibility on me when i was 9 and yet my brothers are 18+ - all but one that is and they#cant even do their own laundry bec she just..... did everything for them all the time but now is mad that they cant do anything.#like yes i know my dad is a failure of a husband and a father i expected that i'll never be a good enough daughter for him and that the onl#thing he has to say about me is that im bringing shame on our family despite everything ive done but come on#im just tired and upset#its hard not to see yourself as a robot or machine when theres little room to be anything else.#and even on a day like today when i dont feel well it never stops and i just keep doing#im sad i want a hug from my gangster bf#oh god i am sorry pls do not perceive me for this#and yk what#thats why i cant stand when people are nice to me bec all i can think of is#i havent done anything to deserve this? i should have to give something in return#or if not#theres something this person must want because why else would they be nice to me when i havent done anything for them#i cannot fathom the concept that someone just wants me because its me#its literally just not possible why would anyone fo that for me
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tired girl hours iâm just ranting bcos i donât have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing thereâs this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. weâre all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or weâll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#âis this all im ever going to be?â im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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not happy with how my 'meeting' w my potential new store manager went and i cant figure out if im being an ass about this
#only in the sense that this is just how it is working retail#i know that#but surely im allowed to have shit i just dont want to fucking do#i cant afford to be picky but christ i just want a job to be what it is#i dont want to be cross-trained i dont want to do more jobs for the same amount of money i dont want to have more responsibilities#i just want something simple#i just want to get through the day#id be happy throwing boxes#but i currently work at a grocery store handling online orders#iv been dealing#and at the new store theyr telling me ill have to crosstrain for the front end-service desk#and i just#i know ppl work registers and phones and they hate it but they get through it#so many people put up with this#i probably COULD is the thing#but the thought alone makes me want to peel my skin off#i just dont fucking want to#all of this on top of how she knew fuckall about my transfer which is just#and had no answer on if i could get ft#jesus#and hr was supposed to be there! this was set up beforehand! and guess who wasnt in today!#fucking hr!
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I love pavloving myself with music for writing I've done it twice now and it has made it so easy to pick things up. First with the Roses and Revolutions coffee shop playlist for Angel Collective, now with The Cure's Disintegration for The Same Deep Water as You. It is like a cheat code to productivity, but it only works if the music fits my writing and that is not something I can just conjure up every time.
#i also usually cant write with lyrics going on unless the sound is very very low. but there seems to be exceptions.#-pers#anyways im having my fave chard and trying to write for the next two hours and resist the urge to go to bed too early then toss and turn#and wake up too early#i have accomplished nothing today except edit and publish that chapter. and i just want it to be tomorrow already so i can get it over with#i think it is this nerve wracking this time because every other time i have walked into situations like this is below my capability and#they are underpaying me off the bat. i dont even want to be in this state. i dont want to be here. i hate all of you fucks and i havent eve#met you because im miserable already and you wont prove me wrong (i have to admit despite the bullshit at my last place they kinda did#in some ways. but were worse in other ways. a mixed bag)#but this time those things dont apply. i want to make a good impression. i want this to work. they arent underpaying me for the role#(though eventually i really need to make more to afford my loans and bills)#they seem like a decent org and the job seems interesting as heck. in my wheelhouse in terms of skill with only a couple downsides#but the downsides will keep me busy. idk. the hours are perfect to if i must work 40 hours then this is the best schedule for me to#not have my career make my sleep issues any worse#than they already are. and the commute is negligible#so of course i am more nervous i guess.#i just want it to be bed time. blah#i feel like i am in stasis but at least i can write
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i'm likeable?
#i want my weird idiots again ngl talking to them is sooo easy ah my shoulders feel lighter just from thinking abt it#the girl i met today seems to like them too#i might meet them up if she wants i am still unsure a bit tho#but she seems to see trough something others find annoying#so i would like for them to meet up i dunno#i still have to balance the idiots my mom coming my friend from high school my other two friends from uni my ex work friends#and well studying#and all i wanna do is show my mom around the new cafes i found and finish the projects and only have math exams and meet up with jo#but i have to balance other things ahhhh#also i do not know what i will do if i do not study tmrw with the new friend#but she invited me on pancakes and i am unable to say no to overthinkers bc what if they overthink it#and i dont know hopefully we will study#0 notes to me
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yada yada happy halloween to these FREAKS (and you guys :3 and myself i gusss :3) doodle from art class that i GUESS could be considered halloween...... idk ok idk ok something was up with me when i drew this
#look killer would like being praised more but to be fair since when has anyone been truly canon with him#to make myself not tweak out i can just pretend this is my fanon#i mean like mtt to me is the epitome of finding slight comfort in suffering when theyre not beating eachother up#dust and horror are affirming killer's terrible thoughts about himself!! how sweet :3 <3 theyre so made for eachother#horror looks like he has a second eye but dont be fooled i just didnt shade that in#i NEED to lock in on that animation. i dont think i have any homework today#i just have a short worksheet and then i'm good to draw i really should really really should im so sorry#disappointed in myself smh more than any of YOU ever will be#originally this was gonna be them in their halloween costumes looking down but then i was like#wait i dont wanna draw killer so ierased him and then just put horror and dust in their normal outfits bc i liked it#and i was like hold up hold up i gotta include killer somehow. SOMEHOW.and then this is the resuly#listen these guys dont freak around but they do various other things that are almost just as freaky as sex#that was more of a side blog thought triglycercule. i know. i will elaborate more there i guess#i ate so much candy today!!! and i didnt even go trick or treating!!!!!#theyre so smitted and enamoured with eachother :333 i love that for them#theyre so cannibalism core. theyre so if i cant have you nobody can core. theyre not soulmates but instead eachothers curse. theyre so UGH#only the murder time trio can match the other 2's freaks i fear nobody else can#its either less crazy or more crazy and these 3 are the perfect amount of balanced to even the other 2 out#i love that one kist animatic that that one really cool twitter kist artist drew#i know theres probably a really good horrordust animatic out there somewhere 2#WHERES THE HORRORKILLER ANIMATIC HUH!!!! WHERE!!!!!!!#horrorkiller once again left out of the trio duo ships......... this is biased i fear#people just hate to see unhealthy bitched unhealthy smh. they can handle toxic kist but they cant handle toxic hrkl???? BLASPHEMY#triglycercule's rambling again (like a dementia patient) i should get to work#i found my first ever sand au fan out in the wild today. this is a moment in history i fear#i will never find another sans au fan in the world until i pass 30 years of age and im sad but whatever#i cant wait to get a job so i can start ordering stickers of my trio#i cant WAIT to get a pinmaker one day and start my very own mtt ita bag#i want a pinmaker so bad god. just so i can staple their faces all over#tricule rant
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ai starbucks on doordash its so fucking over. if any company can afford to hire a photographer to take a picture of some cups sitting in water it is fucking starbucks ARE YOU KIDDING like are you joking. bye
#absolutely fucking pathetic#not like anybodys supporting starbucks anyways but. oh my god this made me so fucking angry#âgenerative ai is revolutionary new technologyâ WOW it has generated an image we couldve never possibly done with human hands#how else. could we get this picture of 3 cups sitting in water with some berries. this is the forefront of innovation guys#what a feat for humanity#shut the fuck up its only revolutionary for helping billionaires save a couple bucks im gonna fucking kill you#also saw the google ai thing for myself for the first time today. i cant fucking take it anymore#shut the fuck up about ai i hate it i dont want i i dont want it FUCK OFF I HATE THIS SHIT#GOD#i am not reading ur fuckass ai summary im not buying ur fuckass ai product just kill yourself man#im so. fucking sick of this bro#x#and while im at it. pisses me off that ai wouldnt fucking exist without us#without our entire lifes fucking work making up data sets#the disrepect to artists makes me want to burn the world down. you would have NOTHING without us. and you dont even realize#ur stupid fucking generative ai gets to reap all of our hard work and we get NONE of the benefits#only ones who fucking benefit from this are the billionaire ceos they should all kill themselves
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safelyđ
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail đ#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired đđđđđđđđđ
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guess whos not going in at all this week, actually
#MY MANAGER EMAILED LIKE 2 HOURS B4 I HAD TO GO IN#she finally changed my schedule (1 day) to the night shift today#(i emailed her to be safe just kinda casually reaffirming im going in at the new time & then asking if any other shifts wanted 2 be changed#bcs that sounds great to me whstever option she goes with#she ignored that question & i get a new email from her asking if i completed a training. lets called it DOC#basically a long time ago she said 'i will send you DOC instructions soon' .. a few days pass and i get three 50 paged packets#one is called NAVIGATING DOC#im like oh ok cool that must be the DOC training shes talking abt bcs the other 2 packets were abt various trainings#NAH BRUH. APPARENTLY THE DAY IM SUPPOSED TO GO IN. SHE MESSAGES ME SOME ENTIRELY ALIEN PROGRAM#and is like 'u completed this right? cus if u didnt u cant come in today.'#LIKE?? MAYBE I WOULDA IF U SENT THE SHIT#but it's also like. dam i shouldve emailed prompting her to send what she said she would n clarifying BUT FUCK#WHY DO I GOTTA?? IM NOT THE MANAGER#she literally told me the name of the program rn thru email so i type it in and see like four hour long modules to complete#mind u i aint never even been informed a WHISPER abt this new program. nothings even labeled DOC TRAINING#but my struggle is. was i notified this?? and i just didnt see??? was i supposed to clarify with her what the DOC training was exactly??#the only thing ive heard abt doc training b4 this is 'i need to send u DOC training soon' in EMAIL. so i expected an alert#abt THE DOC TRAINING... in an EMAIL notification. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS#idk man#i dont even care bro like im busy as hell & the work is just to build clinic hours so i dont care abt the money factor#it's just like. can we get this first day jitters thing over with already?? im so over this bro#yaddayadda i emailed her an apology n ill be on that ASAP shit. but i did let her know i am basically justnnow seeing this site#n if there was any email or notif that couldve/tried to inform me of its existence 2 pls let me know / figure out how to find it#so the issue doesnt occur again & i dont have to keep botherinher which im so srry of bcs med is stress n shes just trying to get by#but still bro im a lil miffed bcs she probably thinks im stupid now and now im wondering if i AM#bcs WDYM ONLINE MODULES. AINT NOBODY SAID SH IT EVEN ABT THE EXISTENCE OF THEM!!! i wouldve pressed harder 4 clarification#if i knew it was an ONLINE MODULE i had to look out for on some randomass site i didnt even know the name of until now#instead of the EMAIL UVE BEEN 'COMMUNICATING' WITH ME ON#ARREGHHHHHHHH IM NOT STUPID. I SWEAR IM NOT STUPID FUCCK MY BAKA LIFE
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all my friends are pursuing their passions and dreams and living in other countries and moving out of their hometowns and the most exciting thing ive done all year is decorate my cubicle slightly
#i knwo it is bad to compare myself to my peers but ...#kicks rocks. i wanted to Do something with my life but i dont know what to Do except for .? exist ?#i never thought id get this far and never had any like. dreams i thought were worth pursuing rlly#which is to say like. im happy for my cubicle job i like stability#but like. i dunno. i want More out of my life i want to Have Fun#but liek my whole life its been like. Find Stability and once youre older you can enjoy!!! only if youre stable !#and my friends who have been able to Move or Travel have. yknow. the means to#so leik idk.. maybe im just in a bummed mood today thinking ant things thst couldve been#i (as a person) am a Wasted Opportunity i think. as in i am a waste KFKSJFKSKF#ne way im gonna jerk it later and get over it methinks#liek i am pathetic and can hardly do anything other than Work but umm ... umm .. at least i umm... idk...
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