#the only spells he knows are Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss

[thisdudedoesntexist]

Danny Fenton is three things.

1: A broke college student in Gotham

2: Part-time magic teacher

3: RIDICULOUSLY BAD AT MAGIC

Maybe his ghost biology effects his ability to cast, maybe he's just bad. It doesn't matter, because nobody can call him out on his BS. Every rich lowlife with too much cash and not enough know-how falls for when he summons (his ghost dad) THE ANCIENT OF TIME CLOCKWORK!

Everyone else is either sent to an actual magic user like the local hedge witch or is already a magic user. Needless to say Constantine is impressed, if more than a little concerned how he knows an ancient. Also how did the kid even do that?

[theladyoracle]

✧ General Creepypasta Headcanons ✧

𖦹⭒°｡⋆𖦹 The Lady Oracle's AU 𖦹⋆°｡⭒𖦹

Featuring: The Slenderman, Jeff the Killer, Jane the Killer, BEN Drowned, Eyeless Jack

a/n: Just jotting down some of the general headcanons that have been piling up in my notes app! Honestly it's so much that its starting to lag down the note LOL!

Also I take requests so PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE shoot them into my ask box!

cw/tw: mention of murder (obvi), mention of torture, mention of vomiting, implications of 'incidents', implications of cannibalism

The Slenderman/The Operator

10ft tall...and then some

He/Him/It

Goes by both Slenderman and the Operator. The only difference is that he makes his Proxies only address him as the Operator. Denizens (lower ranking creeps, I'll make another post about this probably for my au...) are allowed to address him as either. This is to make sure that the Proxies don't get 'too friendly' with him

Seldom cares about anything going on between the people who live in the manor unless it directly affects him. Will actually get so annoyed if people bother him with petty problems or drama. He only cares about his things, his home, and his business

Is basically a dirty, evil capitalist landlord

Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss fr fr /hj

Is very supernaturally inclined. Reads books, casts spells, and brews potions. Is very knowledgeable of other realms, creatures, and magicks

Is very secretive with everyone in the Slender Woods. For all they know; he is the strongest, most powerful entity there is in the woods and they should fear him. This is how Slenderman likes to keep things

Out of touch with humanity, but sometimes its really funny! He will forget that humans need food to survive, and finds it 'inconvenient' that they need air to breathe...okay maybe its only funny to me

He finds some human things charming! Like fashion - he has a tie for every occasion and always wants to look presentable. He also loves a good riddle

Thrives with paperwork. Literally has a contract for every Proxy and Denizen. Loves structure

Will call the Denizens his 'children' at times....but will seldom ever call his Proxies his children. Proxies are regarded more as property or dogs than they are people

Jeff the Killer

Denizen (at age 21)

Is 29 years old

He/Him/His

5'10 with wide shoulders, a thin waist, and moderate muscle mass

I headcanon Jeff to be half Korean (on his mother's side) I believe this due to the traditional pronunciation of Liu's name

Loves using a knife as his primary murder method because its intimate - he truly considers it to be an art

Is close with BEN. He sees BEN as like a younger sibling (similar to Liu.) So he spends a lot of time barging into BEN's room (much to his distaste) and annoys the fuck out of him. I think he does this because he's pretty lonely too but doesn't want to admit it...

Before his psychotic break, he was obsessed with other famous serial killers. His other hobbies before murdering his parents include: manifestos, torture methods, and anatomy

Is a total metal head - doesn't listen to anything except for alternative music

Will totally ask you to "name 3 songs" if you're wearing a band t-shirt (even if he doesn't know the band...)

Owns a tattoo gun! Is really fucking bad at giving tattoos.....

BEN Drowned

Denizen

He/Him/His

I think of BEN as a sort of shapeshifter. Taking inspiration from the game Majora's Mask, I like to think that BEN is able to change his "skin" to however he wants to appear, but has a default form that gradually changes (so for example depending on who he chooses for a victim, he can portray himself as a 12 year old boy, a teenager, or even older) but his default form is one that can age as though he never drowned as a boy

This isn't just limited to age - he can use this to look as freaky as he wants. Usually this is just to make himself look more uncanny for his victims

I don't think BEN in my AU is the ghost of Ben Lawman (the boy who drowned) I think that Ben Lawman's essence was twisted and possessed by something inherently evil during his death

When he was found in the woods, the Slenderman saw the wicked potential that this new entity possessed and offered him a deal

Probably like 5'5"-5'6"

Skinny, like really skinny - despite how much he eats

BEN is a total incel :/

Frequent Discord, Reddit, and Twitch user

Despite the Slenderman giving him the incredible gift to age as if he never died, he is still so fucking immature. it's like dealing with a child

He always seems annoyed when anyone comes to talk with him. He takes everything as an attack and has the crudest, most annoying, immature sense of humor

He has to be bribed to do LITERALLY ANYTHING

His room smells like dirty socks and vape juice

Literal definition of "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM I'M PLAYING MINECRAFT"

Jane the Killer

Denizen

28 years old

Latina

Lesbian

She/her/hers

5'7" . Soft hourglass-shaped build with strong thighs and legs!

She is a woman of science and logic, and is overall just a very intellectual woman - lowkey kind of nerdy, it's sweet if you get to know her

Comes across as 'no nonsense' to newbies and people who don't know her well, but she's secretly very sarcastic and clever! She has the realest conversations, and is a powerful ally to have

There are a lot of rumors about her in the manor, because she seems to be the Slenderman's favorite

Oftentimes is doing a lot of household errands or chores for the Slenderman as part of her contract

Helps compile mission files for targets (sometimes helps with research, but mostly puts them together and then serves the assignments underneath resident doors)

Does the interrogations and initiation processes for new recruits to the manor (asks them questions to build their contract, shows them around, etc)

Quick-witted and sarcastic - doesn't let anyone talk shit to her. Literally no misogynistic comment goes by unchecked. She absolutely tears into the creeps that come at her

Has an absolute adoration for old horror films, true crime, and investigation shows

She loves solving mysteries or puzzles. Brain teasers and riddles are totally her thing! But...is like way too good at it. I mean, she can guess the answer to any riddle first or second try, and she's ALWAYS guessing the ending of movies within the first fifteen minutes. It kind of takes the fun out of everything

Usually likes to spend her down time alone. She feels like the 'mom' of the mansion otherwise (and hates when she feels like that)

Eyeless Jack

5'11" with a slim yet muscular build

25 years old

He/Him/His/They/Them

EJ is exceptionally intelligent - both in creative problem solving and just in general with his anatomical knowledge

He's is so quiet in everything he does. Sometimes this is comforting and sometimes its creepy. He's silent. He types quietly, he wraps wounds quietly, he cleans quietly....kind of just a strong and silent type kind of dude

He is the only resident of the manor that the other creeps feel safe and comfortable getting care from, because he actually keeps a sterile and clean environment while he performs operations

KIND OF RANDOM! But I think his parents were total hippies (literal cultists)

I like to think he was a vegetarian before the incident :'(

His skin looks super ashy gray but it's actually super smooth - he moisturizes all the time in attempts to get his radiant glowy skin back but it never really works with his dark gray skin

Has to wear eye masks to bed so that the ooze doesn't get all over his pillows and sheets. Usually he doesn't care if it drips on him or his clothes, but hates when he wakes up and it's all over his face

Cannot eat anything besides human organs without vomiting - and HATES vomiting. Like he's developed somewhat of a fear of it now...especially how it looks when it comes up

That's just about it for now! Thanks byyyeeee~!

xoxo -Oracle

[slashthrashandcrash]

My tire blew out today. The towman, for whatever reason, kept getting my location wrong and the road rangers were my knights in shining honor when they stumbled upon my car on patrol. Then, the tow arrived and was driving after me after they put in the spare tire, calling out that his ride was still free. Now, if this was late at night and the highway was suspiciously empty, which slashers / killers do you think would be after me and how could I fight them off? The tow guy is, of course, no help

This sounds so funny as a time sensitive question like "I'm not saying I am stranded on a desolate road with no help for miles but if I were how could I possibly fend of a serial killer that's banging on my car window? Please respond, asking for a friend."

Danny/Ghostface would certainly be an option if he was already on the move between towns or states, just a nice young man wanting to help get you somewhere safe and accidentally making a few wrong turns...then next thing you know, you're set loose to run free through the woods while he tails you, knife in hand. Your best option is to hope you find the main road before he finds you, but even then you'd have to pray there's even another motorist driving at this hour who'd be willing to stop at your distress. Just because you were stupid enough to get in a car with a stranger doesn't mean they are lmao.

The Sinclair brothers are a classic, of course -- that's kind of their whole schtick is helping out poor stranded motorists, offering to fix up their car while they come on into town for a spell, maybe check out the local wax museum to kill some time. Gotta be honest, your odds probably aren't that great since it's a 3v1...you might just have to grab a tire iron and start swinging if you want a fighting chance.

Michael can drive but he's a fucking menace on the road, he'll be ramming into you and trying to slam you off into a ditch or the median. You need to either outpace him or hopefully lose him with a few sharp turns, otherwise you'll be battered and trapped when he gets a tire to blow out or your transmission to die. Being wounded in a metal cage is the last place you wanna be when he comes stalking over to your wreckage. Although, he might more so be targeting the tow driver behind you, they usually wear those navy coveralls...

And there's a few more typical slashers who have a similar con to the Sinclairs; the Firefly family, the Sawyer family, whatever the cannibal inbred family's name was in The Hills Have Eyes -- these cases? 100% fucked. If you don't floor it and get the hell out of dodge the first second you spot any of 'em on the side of the road, you've practically sealed your fate. And it won't be pretty, or sexy, or fun. For you, anyways.

For a bit of gaslight gatekeep girlboss, Tiffany Valentine. For no reason other than you're practically alone on the quiet roads and she's bored. Just a quick little fender bender and then her nail file across your throat. Frankly, you should be honored to be killed by her, just let it happen, say thank you with your gurgling dying breath. Throwback to Urban Legend, but also Brenda. Who doesn't love a good story about flashing highbeams in the rearview mirror? You're golden if you remember how the legend goes and how the girl survives (even if the killer isn't the one in your backseat), or better yet, just don't flash your lights when you see her driving in the dark in the first place.

Purely DBD killers though, I'd really only pick out Legion, namely because they would have plenty of reasons to target you. They want your car, your money if you have it, and hell, they'll go ahead and take your life while they conveniently have it. The bad news is it's 4v1, the good news is they're all stupid teenagers. You have a 50/50 chance of being able to either outsmart them or just fend them off long enough to escape, but don't be surprised to find 4 different blades in your gut because you refuse to cooperate with their robbery.

[theseerasures]

notes on the owl house, season 1

was gonna do a sequence of liveblogs but then??? i got really into it??? so i guess the most important tl;dr is that yes lesbians you were right this time

S01E01

*watches first scene, where a single brown mother gives her kid a brochure for Conformity Camp with a cartoonish image of a child being crowded into a box, when her kid has already been established as being comically and cartoonishly imaginative, while a flock of doves fly into the air spelling out the words THIS IS A JOKE PLEASE DO NOT MAKE A DISCOURSE ABOUT THIS*

*pauses episode*

*gently and reverently rests finger on screen* a discourse happened here

i knew that Wendie Malick voices Eda before i started and thought i'd properly girded my loins and yet every time she opens her mouth i think she's gonna tell Luz she's punishing Luz for being alive

S01E03: gotta say i'm appreciative of this show's policy of "NO BOYS ALLOWED" unless the boys are the LITTLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD in which case "SON BOY ALLOWED"

S01E05

it's weird that the Adora in this show has Catra's haircut

wait

siSTER???

i guess kudos for subverting my expectations but between this and Frozen what is it with Disney properties courting the Incest Yay people

was the thought that since Eda and Lilith are Old(tm) it wouldn't happen this time because. uhhhhhh

i guess since Catradora was NebulaGamora you could argue Dana Terrace was just returning the trope to old familial roots??? bah i'm not gonna think about this anymore. Lilith def cursed Eda tho

spotted: Amity Blight and her best frenemy Luz Noceda dueling over the last open spot to the Magic Yale welcome luncheon!!!! xoxo GossipWitch

S01E07

not only does Amity have siblings her siblings are VEX AND VAX??? what is happening

Amity: you're a bully Luz!!!! i would know, because i call myself that in the mirror every morning!!!! not because i'm self aware though. it's to pump me up for another day of Bratz the Movie level shenanigans

wow this enemies-to-lovers is turning around fast. i was expecting Amity to at least girlboss if not gaslight but she barely got to gatekeep before being all "i guess :) we both learned something today :)"

yes Amity Luz accidentally hurting your precarious sense of self once is definitely the same as you tormenting Willow for years

S01E12

oh i've seen this Steven Universe episode.

*sees the monster* and so have the storyboarders

why is everyone so mean to Hooty :(

seriously tho i get having one person in the friend group that everyone inexplicably dislikes is a comedy standard or whatever but. it feels out of place for a show that otherwise bellows "it's great to be weird!!!" from the rooftops

Hooty never did nothing to nobody!!! except be all powerful and occasionally asking to be included in shenanigans

on the other hand given King's design they had to work REALLY hard for me to dislike him, but wow! it's definitely paid off, he's the worst

this is the third episode in a row where King's plot is that he has to learn a lesson about not being Disney-brand-selfish and i know this didn't happen but i'm suddenly imagining the world where he eventually takes over as the main character and The Owl House became Disney's answer to Teen Titans Go

S01E13: okay fine King reaching Todd Chavez levels of shenanigans in this episode was good. he can stay

S01E14: MAYBE THEY SHOULD CALL IT SHAPESHIFT LAND. BECAUSE IT'S A LAND WHERE YOU GO TO SHAPESHIFT

S01E15

can i just say that. naming a powerful-but-overlooked witch--who is the BFF to the main character, who thrives on both a) The Hubris and b) The Resentment--Willow is. well no harm in wearing your influence on your sleeve i guess

she does plant magic! it's not like they could have called her Glimmer

i can't believe Amity was made to end her friendship with Willow by CAITLIN GLASS'S SHADOW LAUGHING ON A WALL

*Amity pulls on Skara's invitation like she's gonna rip it apart* NO AMITY THAT'S AN ACTUAL BUTTERFLY

Amity: i'm not actually gonna rip it because it's a real butterfly, but you get the gesture, right?

me: ...fine. FINE

>:(

*watches Amity release the butterfly invitation as a symbol of overcoming her past self* wow. trans Amity confirmed

all the Blight kids are trans actually the twins transed and nobody even made a fuss bc their parents are terrible and Amity is a fourteen year old with youngest most specialest child syndrome

S01E16

Amity: i can't fight my worst fear because it's SO EMBARASSING

me: Amity if it's the one where you fail a test and then your mother shows up and calls you fat i guarantee everyone in school has already guessed

i guess we're just getting everybody's mommy issues huh

Luz's greatest flaw is how hard she commits to the bit, truly the ADHD representation we need

like it has literally not occurred to her that she could change course with what to tell Camila at any time. she chose her path and it's the only one for her now forever

oh Amity's greatest fear isn't even the obvious mom thing!! it's that Luz might turn her down!!! that's so fucking stupid Amity never ever change

S01E17

the recurring potshots at JoRane's intellectual property this season sure are.

this was produced and came out during the years she went public about losing her fucking mind, so like. everyone had to deal with it in the way they felt was appropriate. i'm not really out to judge the exact timbre of one's response so long as said response does not align with her bigotry, and i sympathize with the petty joy of belittling something owned by somone hateful, especially if that something once meant a lot to you...

i guess i'm just not super comfortable with it because a) you're still picking at a wound even if you end up making funny shapes out of the scabs, b) these hot takes are about general magic-school tropes but often are so specifically about her it feels like we're giving her credit for creating them, and c) owning her like this feels like an opiate when the real issue isn't that her fictional society is founded on 11 year olds taking one uquiz, or that the fake sport she made up is hideously unbalanced, it's that she's...the leader of hate group

all of which are misgivings i have about the Disney Corporation as well and i get that people don't watch this show to be REMINDED that we live in a society, so like. whatever i'm gonna stop talking about this

that Amity sure is gay amirite! she went from "mostly bormal about her obvious crush" to "Jodie Foster at the Golden Globes" in the span of one episode

S01E18

wow!!! Hooty saved everyone's bacon by being all-powerful. thank you Hooty sorry your squatters just take you for granted

oh hey Hordak

the fact that Willow and Gus immediately figured out what Luz was up to because of the helpful diagrams she drew for her non-plan is just so. i'm love them, actually

LILITH??? cursed Eda???? what an unexpected turn of events

okay yes Eda sacrificing her soul to her chronic illness for Luz provoked some genuine emotion from my flinty irreverent heart

it was just the emotional climax of Brave with a Last Agni Kai color scheme but hey i cry during the emotional climax of Brave, so

S01E19

is King...not sad his momowner is about to die??? i get that Luz is the focus here but it's weird that he's not even a little bit distraught

um

Lilith

oh my god what

what????

you really think someone would do that??? just ESTABLISH A FASCIST STATE AND TELL LIES????

Lilith how the fuck did you become the head of the secret police when you're like THIS

MINDWIPED WILLOW HAD MORE DEDUCTIVE SKILLS, LILITH

i thought there'd be SOME fascist ideology buy-in like cursing Eda made her scared of Power without Discipline or something but she's...only here??? because this one thing Hordak said he'd do???? HE DIDN'T EVEN PINKIE SWEAR LILITH

like yes yes i know. "cop older sister fails upwards and yikes her way into defending her genocidal boss" I KNOW the only way she could be more my type is if she had dyed her hair white, but i can't pay attention to any of that bc i'm too distracted by the logic-defying stupidity

Lilith when you ditched your glasses for your Goth makeover did you just. never get contacts??? because the only reason i can think of for even you blithely sailing past every red flag is that you were literally too blind to see them

i just

i can't believe i thought Winter Schnee was the purest encapsulation of "in my defense your honor i really am the dumbest bitch alive" when Lilith was there all along

i guess her existence is a powerful statement that MILFs can be morons too

*Luz confronting Lilith and displaying a level of anger that's probably supposed to be unsettling* oh my god Luz YES GET HER PUT HER OUT OF HER FUCKING MISERY

Lilith: i just don't understand why even after i've restrained and assaulted them no one believes i just want to have a civil conversation :(

tHIRTY YEARS????

like yes okay i'm sure there are some profound implications here we can draw about grooming and abuse and sunk cost fallacies but i just

Lilith: i was on the fence about cursing my sister, but when i asked for the Emperor's advice he said "god forbid women do anything."

Luz:

Lilith: i'm realizing now that was bad advice. and that he probably meant it in a different, even worse way than how i interpreted it.

but don't worry gang! her solution to fixing all the evil she's been complicit in is to...uh, continue being complicit in the evils! it's the best way to ensure that the incredibly specific scenario that befell Eda and herself will never!!! happen!!! again!!!

quick Lilith, Hordak just ensnared you in tentacles! this is a perfect opportunity for you to show exactly how you're going to prevent "~this" from ever happening ag--oh she's gone

Eda, finding out Lilith didn't actually mean to curse her forever and this was all her sister's incredibly weird way to make amends: what kind of fucking mORON--wait actually this makes perfect sense

Eda honey obviously i love you for trying to shield your sister and petson from petrification but i don't think Lilith noticed you did that

given the established buffer speed of her brain i'm not sure she's even put together that the owlbeast and her sister are the same person

okay okay i'll move on

:') Luz you brave darling sunflower you've never done anything wrong ever in your life and i'm glad you committing to the bit saved the day, even if it came at such a high price

not sure you'll be taking home the coveted gold for Committing to the Bit tho, now that your witch-aunt has revealed herself as the undisputed champion of Blindly Committing to the Bit for the thirtieth consecutive ye--OKAY YES WE'RE NOT BEATING THIS DEAD HORSE ANYMORE

because i do want to take this show seriously, and nothing demonstrates "i'm gonna take responsibility for my own actions now" better than using your literal body to bear some of the harm you inflicted on others. it's a very nice way to bring their relationship full circle, and it resonates with other instances when characters are forced to stop defining themselves by outside standards and embrace what they're already good at.

(and what Lilith is good at is soothing the pain of others via self-harm! which i think is the point the Helen's-Type-Generator starts emitting confetti and oily black smoke)

is this the first instance of magic having a cost or rebound in this world? beyond "whew i did a lot of magic today, i'm tired?" hm

Dana Terrace really went "i'm gonna give the whump enthusiasts everything they want" with this trope huh

Going Forward

yes i liked it yes i know the second season is more heavily serialized yes i will watch that soon

this did make me think about how all seriality in TV these days seem to be about building up to one series-wide showdown as opposed to different seasons having their own mytharcs, but that has less to do with this show specific and more with the death of television as a medium and we ain't got time for that

given how much my exposure to this show beforehand was Lumity (to the point where i wasn't sure there were other characters besides Eda) i'm...kinda surprised at how sparse Amity's presence was in this season. i liked what we did see of her, but i went in expecting a lot more antagonism for a lot longer in that dynamic

but i guess that's tied in with this season not having much in the way of antagonism until the very end, and not-Hordak seems to be the only one actually invested in his whole world order. we don't have any sympathetic true believers, which I assumed would be Lilith and/or Amity? i guess neither Shadow Weaver nor Catra really gave a shit about the Horde's ideology either, but Shadow Weaver remained an unrepentant ball of spite until the end and it didn't really matter that Catra didn't give a shit about the Horde because the Horde was the only thing she knew. in contrast Amity and Lilith's ties to the existing system feel very shallow--in the latter case so much so it kind of boggles my willing suspension of disbelief?

i suppose the next season can change that, i know new characters get introduced so--

oh wait is that what's gonna happen to the bad sad twink

i've only seen his armor but given how many AO3 fics seem to be about him i'm just gonna assume that he's a bad sad twink

wait can i call someone a twink when he's probably in his early teens like the rest of the cast?

is there discourse about this i hope not

don't make me break out the flock of doves

[eggtargaryenii]

Low-key Jacemond would go hard bc like...Aemond would 100% do freaky, unspeakable things to Jace considering their shared history. Their relationship would be not healthy at all, but we're throwing in Tired Cousin with Parental/Abandonment Issues, Eldest Bastard (Daughter), and Mommy Issues Pirate who'd do anything for his family.

You can't tell me the dynamic wouldn't go hard either bc like...Aemond can just.....be a more hands on Valyrian Teacher alongside Reader for Jayce. Jayce has the heart of the King. Reader has the mind for politics even if she hates it. Aemond has big, scary dragon rawr.

*squints* there's no world in which the Reader would not find the juxtaposition of Jayce's soft lips and savagery of Aemond's scar not beautiful. IT'D SOMEWHAT FIT NARRATIVELY. Like, my girl fears abandonment and gets entangled with two men who spell devotion in different ways. Aemond protects his family by accepting that to protect someone and to truly love someone, he must protect and cherish those dear to his loved one as well. And uh, Jayce....gets his Eldest Daughter foot rub. Just kidding, Jayce overcomes the circumstances of his birth by having hot people politically dispose his opponents and burn them.

Manifestind Jayce to provoke the Daddy Issues out of Aemond so we can add some spice to this too. I fear the day the three of them get busy together bc you know that Dragonpit gonna get loud 💀

"eldest bastard (daughter)" KILLED ME DEAD ANON AHJHLSJKEFJSJ yeah jace does kinda have that energy huh 😭😭😭 has to parent his younger bastard siblings and then has to parent his mom. literally there is no father figure for him to rely on either (laenor was absent, harwin is dead, and daemon is daemon) ajhhdldjskfjdkd he is truly eldest daughter representation

IM NOT RLLY SURE HOW THE JACEM*ND SHIP WORKS FOR MOST PEOPLE, but in the specific context of this fic yes it would be insanely bizarre and if they ever have a single normal moment it's because their cousin is working overtime to manage the relationship 😭 U ARE SO RIGHT THO they would be an absolute power throuple... all the answers to jace's problems as heir to the throne was just marrying a guy who gives him scary dog privilege & his gaslight gatekeep girlboss cousin. ("eldest daughter foot rub" LMAOOOO u are so funny oh my god)

"juxtaposition of jace's soft lips and savagery of aemond's scar" stop this nonsense anon u are making me so h-word. I will never be able to write a sentence as erotic as that one. you are very right though lol I feel like this reader is SO starved for love and in a way this is the best endgame for her too. aemond is so batshit fucking crazy that she will never feel lonely. jace is so sensitive and kind and devoted that she will never feel unloved. the sad thing about this love triangle is that if she ends up with just one guy, there will be a kind of emptiness that only the other one would know how to fix. a throuple would circumvent that immediately 😭

PLEASE ANON do not make me think about a jacem*nd/reader nsfw scene I would literally die of horny. jace bringing out aemond's daddy issues in the middle of a threesome would make for some truly insane sex...... aemond is getting his shit wrecked by you both tbh aaghgldjdkwfjsjj

[ladystrallan]

Once Upon a Time season 5A thoughts

I’m rewatching OUAT and I wanted to share some of my opinions on each season!

- The random girl shushing his ominous speech is so funny

- Wow he just poofed into dust

- Omg the end of excalibur is the dagger

- “Mate don’t” idk why but that is funny

- “We need someone wicked” yassss

- Omg the rose

- Wow iconic move to cut her hand off to remove the bracelet

- She is so good at manipulating everyone

- Gaslight gatekeep girlboss

- “Accent’s a bit much no?” Lol rumple

- “Out dwarves, adults only” Regina…

- “Well… you don’t look like a crocodile” why is this episode so funny

- Okay I remember really not liking Arthur and the whole Camelot plot line

- OUAT loves a memory loss plot

- Omg dark emma

- She’s got a cool look

- Not dopey turning into a tree

- OMG WHAT IS THAT THING???

- Hook: Emma look at me this isn’t you

- Of course she can’t dance

- Omg that guy is evil or something

- A demon sent from the underworld… hmmmm I feel like I know a hot guy from there

- I seriously can’t wait for 5b to see my man <3

- Omg Henry and Violet is so cute (I remember liking them together)

- He whips out the ipod lol

- This song is kind of a bop

- Omg she destroyed his village

- I guess there was a Robin fake out death before it actually happened

- Can you make the price like a dollar or something? Or does it have to be of equal value

- “WE’VE BEEN VIOLATED” lol

- “Have you thought about kissing it out?” Omg that’s so funny

- Regina is such a hypocrite

- She has done things just as bad if not worse than what Zelena did and yet she deserves redemption and Zelena doesn’t???

- “I wished him happy just not with my wife” lol

- “What’s that then” “It’s a picture from up inside Zelena” “Woah mate” I’M DYING

- Arthur is giving me Louis from Versailles vibes

- And if you’ve seen my Versailles thoughts, you know how I feel about Louis (I hate him)

- Noooo not on her birthday

- DAVID NO DON’T TRUST HIM

- Omg they kissed

- I mean, if you’re neglecting your wife it’s kinda understandable if she cheats

- “Well, there’s this girl” “Is there indeed?” Loved the delivery Killian

- “Is that your dad?” “No it’s my horse” lol

- That’s sinister, using magic to keep your wife from leaving you

- Arthur is such an asshole omg

- Omg Merida is back

- “I need you to make him brave” wow that’s what her movie is called

- Ooh that’s Merlin

- I’m pretty sure he was talking about Nimue (and she was the first dark one)

- Well that’s a way to meet the dad

- “When this kingdom is attacked by ogres” WHY IS IT ALWAYS OGRES???

- Awwww that’s cute a little date

- “Um hi milady” lol

- Not the friend zone

- This is giving me so much second hand embarrassment

- Taunting rumple with belle is the way to make him brave

- She is his courage… that’s so cute

- Love the arrow in the intro

- Wow I guess no one cares about rumple then

- Slay belle for standing up for him

- NO NOT THE CHIPPED CUP

- Please tell me they can fix it :(

- NOOOOO DON’T KILL BELLE

- I do like the idea of rumple being all heroic for her

- Omg I’m crying this is so sweet

- Zelena and Emma team up??? Iconic

- YASSSS RUMPLE

- “He’s not my sweetheart” I think he is belle ;)

- OMG SLAY RUMPLE

- “You saved me” “Actually I think you saved me” AWWWWWWWW

- “I would change everything for you” screaming

- YASSSSSS RUMPLE PULLING THE SWORD

- I’m a slut for good rumple (or just rumple in general lol)

- I do miss him having magic though

- Why is Zelena so slay all the time?

- The outfits, the acting, the trickery, 10/10

- Emma’s lucky she didn’t get the dark one skin condition

- She just got a bleach job and a new outfit

- Arthur is such a dickhead omg i can’t stand him

- Lol Rumple’s Merlin impression

- Zelena was like switched sides? Time for an outfit change

- Omg she’s going into labour

- Why does every evil person want a baby? How many dark spells require that?

- Omg the house that he picked

- “Did someone scream for a doctor?” Yasssss Dr Whale is back!

- Did he go to the same hair salon as Emma lol

- Yassss mulan is back!

- Mulan and Merida: iconic team up

- RUBY!

- So many characters I love are back this season :)

- OMG IT WAS ARTHUR

- Me anytime I see Arthur: “Dickhead”

- OMG RUMBELLE

- MY HEART

- THEY ARE SO CUTE

- Regina & co are actually so awful to Zelena about this whole baby thing

- Like I get that it’s Robin’s baby but it’s hers too

- And I’m pretty sure being away from the mother is bad for a baby’s development

- Like at least let her visit with supervision

- I guess when you become the dark one you immediately know how to use magic

- Ok I guess they are letting her see her baby

- SHE CAME TO THE WELL

- NOOOOOOOO

- Was not expecting the break up part 2 :(

- Me sobbing

- How is she pregnant in 5b though???

- They must get together by the end of 5a

- Catch me opening the underworld portal so I can see my man <3

- The visual of all the dark ones sitting in the boat together is so funny to me

- It’s giving summer camp vibes

- “The underworld is worse than you could possibly imagine” uhhhh no rumple my true love is there so I think it’s pretty great

- Awwww rumple sending her to see the world

- NOOOOOO RUMPLE IS MARKED

- That’s actually so vile to send her away so she literally CANNOT SEE HER BABY

- Slay move by hook

- Rip (until he gets resurrected)

- Belle didn’t leave!

- THEY’RE KISSING

- YASSSSSSS

- And the baby was conceived ;)

- Rumple being the dark one again, kinda slay

- Kind of bad for his redemption arc though

- “I will always find you” we love a good iconic line

- I am so excited to see Hades!!! Love of my life (and death)

How I feel about the characters this season

Love: RUMPLE (10/10 character development), Belle, Zelena, Dr Whale, Merida

Like: Emma, Hook, Mulan, Ruby, Nimue (idk she’s kinda cool)

Neutral: Snow, David, Merlin, Guinevere, Henry

Dislike: Regina, Robin

Hate: Arthur

Season rating: 6/10

Firstly, I HATE ARTHUR AND I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL HE’S DEAD. I don’t care for the Camelot arc, but I do like dark Emma and Rumple got some really good character development (even though he went back to being the dark one). I also like Merida and it was nice to see Ruby, Dr Whale, and Mulan again. Gets an extra 0.5 for setting up my absolute favourite arc in the show (the underworld)

[son1c]

are we allowed to ask about sonic copypasta's like starved eggman since I would like to see Mecha and GUN Girlboss Gaslight and Gatekeep the shit out of Furnace

i don't know anything about sonic exe and i don't want to know. the only sonic exe related thing that i'm willing to talk about is the one i made last year. thanks for asking though 👍

[smokeclan-oc]

Rowanthistle - dark ginger orange tom with long fluffy undercoat

Family: Redtooth (father), Seedroot (mother), Flashwind (brother), Tansyspring (sister) Gender / Sexuality: Tom / demisexual Personality: interest in herbs, loves admiring plants, really friendly and social, not remotely offputting, like you wanna trust him when you meet him Backstory: Rowanthistle had always had his eyes on the medicine cat den, but as a younger cat, he had been pushed into a warrior apprentice at an early age. Whisperclan had gone through a dry spell, where no kits had been born, and the apprentice den had been empty for nearly three moons by the time Rowanthistle and his siblings went in. The clan was desperate for young warriors. So Rowanthistle did as he was told, learned how to hunt and fight, and earned his warrior name alongside his siblings.  Rowanthistle has always been the Tom to go out of his way to help others, often first apprentice willing to check on the elders, and even as a warrior he brings them prey in hopes of sharing tongues with his noble elder warriors. He’s happy to help deliver herbs for the medicine cat, and request them when a nursing queen needs some help. He does his best to get as much paws on experience with herbs as he can. Rowanthistle’s plan is to have kits, and then plea with his leader to allow him to train as a medicine cat. If he can give the clan more warriors, then he can be dismissed as a warrior, right? Ideal Partner: queen looking for a new daddy, single queen, youngest warrior b4 Rowan and his siblings, deputy’s kit, interclan relationship would be fun too, like leaf/crow leaf/moth? Position | Clan: Warrior | Whisperclan

Flashwind - white and ginger tom

Family: Redtooth (father), Seedroot (mother), Rowanthistle (brother), Tansysprig (sister) Gender / Sexuality: Tom / bisexual - heavily Tom leaning as a form of birth control Personality: selfish, energetic, always wants to go hunting, eager to practice sparring too Backstory: Middle brother to three rambunctious kits, Flashwind knew eyes would be on him during his training. Eager to impress, Flashwind worked hard to earn his warrior name alongside his brothers. Flashwind has little interest in kits, unlike his brother who seems eager to sweettalk the queens. Flashwind knows that he’s expected to look to help the clan repopulate but honestly, he just is not ready to be a father.  Flashwind is a young warrior still filling out his warrior name. He wants to be able to stretch his legs, enjoy the freedom of being a warrior, before being tied down to the nursery and some whining kits. Not to mention a needy mate. Flashwind would rather just not.  Preferring the company of elder warriors, or Tom’s in general, Flashwind will go out of his way to avoid spending time with the young shecats of the clan. Ideal Partner: pls have a cute queen chasing after him, like “ready for my next litter daddy” lmaoo, or gimme the Tom who also doesn’t want kits, or the Tom who had kits out of obligation and is also offput by them Position | Clan: Warrior | Whisperclan

Tansysprig - dark ginger tabby shecat

Family: Redtooth (father), Seedroot (mother), Rowanthistle (brother), Flashwind (brother) Gender / Sexuality: shecat / bisexual - Tom leaning Personality: strong, brave, work focused, girl boss, gatekeep gaslight girlboss Backstory: Expected to be a career queen, Tasnysprig doesnt want to spend all her time in the nursery. She’ll have kits, if that’s what the clan needs, but she wont sit around the nursery all the time. Once the kits can be left alone, she intends to rejoin warrior duties, doing her part for the clan. Tansysprig was always coached to be useful, to help out where she can, and the idea of sitting around the nursery doing nothing doesn’t sit right with her. Not that she wont love her kits, but sometimes other things come first. Like making sure the clans fed. Her kits wont be the only kits with hungry mouths. When Branchstar eventually names her as deputy, the clan knows he chose someone level headed, who can think with her heart and her head. She of course loves her kin, but her priority is to the growth and prosperity of Whisperclan, not her own blood. Her unbiased view of the clan is necessary for a good leadership decision. Ideal Partner: the Tom who really wants kits lol, or the Tom who def doesn’t want kits, or someone who already has kits, or the resident den dad Position | Clan: Warrior | Whisperclan

[sscrambledmeggss]

I posted 4,520 times in 2022

That's 800 more posts than 2021!

460 posts created (10%)

4,060 posts reblogged (90%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@tthankstoyou

@rinezha

@ultravioletmorning--light

@simplysebastian

@thomas-the-goat-of-satan

I tagged 2,382 of my posts in 2022

Only 47% of my posts had no tags

#kurt hummel - 316 posts

#meg’s incoherent thoughts - 299 posts

#sebastian smythe - 256 posts

#kurtbastian - 233 posts

#ana kardashian - 151 posts

#glee - 120 posts

#ratbastian - 104 posts

#taylor swift - 99 posts

#rachel berry - 72 posts

#the raven cycle - 66 posts

Longest Tag: 142 characters

#depends on who you ask tbh 😭😭 but it’s one of those djdjd probably more likely kill 🤨 because i feel like i’d be easy to beat in a fight 🕺

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

quick question glee made up kurts eye colour? I have been gaslighted

YES, the glee fandom just randomly made it up 😭 I think the Sherlock fandom might have also helped? I also thought it was real until @dilfdarren said something about it being fake. So thus the origin search for the word began 🗽

When searching for the origin:

1) the only thing about ‘glasz origin’ when searching that doesn’t autocorrect to ‘glass’ is an urban dictionary entry:

Safe to say it didn’t lead to much 🤨

2) when searching ‘glasz eyes’ you DO get eye pictures, but most of the people are Chris Colfer and Benedict Cumberbatch. (And a Percy Jackson character, but her eyes were never described as glasz in the books).

3) I started googling it as a last name meaning but still didn’t find anything.

4) FINALLY I came across this beautiful thing: The Etymology of Kurt Hummel’s Eyes

It definitely cleared a lot of things up 😭

Though this still didn’t answer why it’s spelling was ‘glasz’, so then I realized, “hey wait, if anyone would know this, tumblr would’ and it did. So I didn’t have to search for like two hours, but what can you do </3

anyways this post explains the reason for them turning it into the Hungarian spelling and not just the Welsh one.

But throughout all of this, a lot of the stuff I got was things like, “guys, I have glasz eyes!!” On Reddit and quora, and people on tumblr telling people they have glasz eyes etc etc. so it seems to have gotten out of the glee and Sherlock fandom, as it’s been used in other fics and fandoms and with real people as well. 😭

Anyways I’m sorry for making this answer so long, but thank you for listening to my deep dive <3

81 notes - Posted April 28, 2022

#4

Emma Woodhouse really was the first gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss wasn’t she 🤨

85 notes - Posted February 17, 2022

#3

Do you think, Hugh Jackman stays up late at night crying over the fact that Kurt Hummel absolutely obliterated him with his NTBND cover

96 notes - Posted August 5, 2022

#2

Sebastian after him and Kurt fight at the Lima Bean:

Sebastian: Something lgbt just happened to me

99 notes - Posted May 3, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Hc that every time Sebastian tries flirting with Kurt it just goes horribly wrong, like he goes,

“hey, you look pretty today 😏” but as he walks away he slams into a glass sliding door

104 notes - Posted May 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[steely-eyedmissileman]

The Vampire Diaries, Ep. 2x08

Rose

what is this doctor who in two thousand and five??? (fun fact: i am watching doctor who as i type this.)

we begin this episode in a random field on an entirely too nice day. i've been around the block a few times: weather this good means something bad is going to happen.

oh yeah, elena got kidnapped. forgot about that one, a bit. the guy in the car elena didn't come from refuses to be out in the light. he's a vampire without a daywalking ring.

meanwhile, jeremy has realized elena never came home last night. caroline has done a very good job covering for tyler, but damon insists that she not tell tyler about her. he has the ability to kill vampires, so it's important that he not know about them. i'd argue that tyler doesn't want to kill caroline right now and it would be better to trust him and ensure that that remains the case. damon instinctively distrusts everyone, but there can be a better world. once again, tyler deserves all the information so he can make his own decisions.

why don't we ever see ht at school anymore? i miss him. jeremy and stefan have figured out that elena went missing last night.

we see where elena is being held, and the vibes on this place are colossally bad.

is this guy gonna be hot? i can't handle another hot man. i also can't handle another white man. i can barely keep track of the ones we've already got. he's a vampire. this girl that he's with has interesting hair. it's still a bad vibe here.

damon and stefan are going to rescue elena. bonnie and jeremy are going to hang out and try to help from a distance. jeremy really wanted to go rescue elena, but he would only be a liability. the brothers got weapons from ht, though we don't see him.

caroline did a good job of covering to tyler. i'm very proud of her. i don't think he believes her, through no fault of her own. tyler's just too damn suspicious.

who is elijah? he sounds ominous.

bonnie's going to do a tracking spell. she needs jeremy's blood and he cuts himself on the palm again. because everyone on this show seems to think that that's the best way to draw blood even though it's fucking not! the map is exciting, though. greensboro?! winston-salem?! i love winston-salem! historical winston-salem is so lovely! bonnie gets a nosebleed doing the tracking spell.

damon has big crazy eyes these days. he's obviously going with stefan to save elena because 'it's elena.'

caroline is gaslight gatekeep girlbossing it up.

stefan is trying to get damon to talk about his feelings for elena. they have one of the funniest conversations i've ever heard about it. damon: 'can we not do the whole road trip bonding thing? the cliche of it all makes me itch.' stefan: 'oh, come on damon. we both know that you being in this car has absolutely nothing to do with me anyway.' damon: 'the elephant in the room lets out a mighty roar.' stefan: 'well, it doesn't have to be an elephant. let's talk about it.' damon: 'there's nothing to talk about.' stefan: 'that's not true. i'm sure there is. just get it out. i mean, are you in this car because you want to help your little brother save the girl that he loves? or is it because you love her too? hmm? i mean come on, express yourself. i happen to like road trip bonding.' damon: 'keep it up, stefan. i can step out of helping as easily as i stepped in.' stefan: 'no, you see that's the beauty of it. you can't.'

meanwhile, bonnie and jeremy are going to send a message to elena. jeremy reveals that the gilberts just keep a random candle in their bathroom. bonnie doesn't say anything audible when she casts the spell, which is disappointing because i wanted to judge the fake latin. bonnie passes out because she's doing too much magic.

meanwhile, the vampires are refusing to tell elena why they kidnapped her. until she knows too much. now they are relatively open with the information. they mention 'the originals,' which i happen to know is the name of a spin off of this very show. we also learn that elena is 'a petrova doppelgänger. you're the key to breaking the curse... the moonstone breaks the curse. the sacrifice is what breaks it... in order to break the curse you're the one who has to die.'

tyler thinks that caroline is also a werewolf. she then freaks out and vamps out a bit. 'i'm not a werewolf, okay.' she laughs so much. i love caroline.

katherine is the first petrova doppelgänger, apparently.

bonnie's mom left and her dad doesn't want to acknowledge her powers. if jeremy and bonnie kiss, i am going to be so upset. they're bonding over being emo.

stefan reveals to damon that he's been drinking human blood. damon asks, 'elena know you're drinking blood?' stefan replies, 'i'm drinking hers.' damon then fondly remembers stefan in his first days of being a vampire. 'what happened to that guy? he was a hoot.'

i feel like these two new vampires are going to die. elijah is british. how is there working electricity in this house? elijah is zooming around the room. he has to smell elena to confirm her identity. he could be more normal.

damon and stefan have another nice conversation outside the house. damon: 'are you sure you want to do this?' stefan: 'yeah, i'm certain i want to do it.' damon: 'because if we go in that house, we may not come back out.' stefan: 'alright, then i won't come out.' damon: 'so noble, stefan.' stefan: 'i can't think of a better reason to die, but if you want to stay here, i'll totally understand.' damon, of course, follows him into the house.

inside, elijah slaps the vampire man's head off. he takes elena's vervain necklace off to get her to reveal the moonstone's location. elijah gets shot through the hand. he's not european; he's just weird. he made a big fuck off stake by breaking the hangers off a coat stand. elena throws a vervain grenade, which is super exciting! damon stakes elijah. hell yeah, damon! elijah is dead.

damon's face lights up because elena looks so happy to see him. but she's looking at stefan behind him, and damon's little face falls.

stefan apologizes for forcing damon to turn into a vampire. stefan: 'i'm sorry... for being the guy who made you turn 145 years ago... i've never said it out loud. i guess i just need to say it and you need to hear it. i'm sorry. what i did was selfish. i didn't want to be alone. i guess i just needed my brother.' it's such an important moment for them. i hope it brings a new peace to their relationship.

caroline and tyler are bonding. 'how can you be a vampire?' 'how can you be a werewolf?' these two are going to get together? tyler's scared about his new identity, which is super fair.

rose reveals herself to stefan because she knew lexie. she reveals that elijah wants elena for klaus.

damon goes to elena's room to give her back her necklace. first, though, he confesses his love and kisses her on the forehead (not her lips, thank god). he cries, and then he erases her memory and returns her necklace

elijah's not fucking dead. fuck

[tofu-bento-box]

curse of strahd run by a DM that likes the idea of the plot and very little of the sourcebook let’s gooooo

ireena’s bi

we have Countess Strahda instead of strahd. she’s a lesbian who fell into the evil side of gaslight gatekeep girlboss

uhhhhhh can’t talk much about sergei and tatyana cause the lore has drastically changed

i looked away from ezmerelda for too long and now she’s a social justice druid? queen shit but girl what?

victor vallakovich. what to say about him. 5’2, emo kid haircut despite being like 27, trans guy who created an “instant top surgery” spell called the Titripper (and has way more top surgery scars than usual as a result), only bad at magic because he’s dyslexic, probably a wild magic/shadow sorcerer who just hasn’t realized the books are harming rather than helping

the brides all got their own backstories outside of strahda because we respect women having their own narrative. unfortunately i forgot to actually decide what the current relationships are so god only knows their identities

we’re getting off-topic

the Abbot is some form of nb but doesn’t have a design yet so idrk

lady wachter has an Understanding with strahda and may have killed her husband i have no idea. she’ll tell me when she’s ready

OH our female bard got seduced by strahda and it went exactly as well as you’re expecting

i kicked van richten out for being a racist fuck and his replacement is a 217-year-old half-drow named nyro, who is going to end up in some undefinable qpp with the 650-year-old elf PC

we have a he/they barbarian who is both the smartest and most emotionally intelligent party member. everyone clap for leif

mt. ghakis is solely being referred to as Mount Gay Kiss cause i couldn’t figure out how to say it

ismark. straight man, but also a werewolf now, so i think he’s a pretty damn strong trans ally lmfao

anyway i accidentally bowled my whole party over with ireena’s own personal hell last session (pov your girlfriend sleeps with your new friend to keep her busy while your gf’s stank-ass butler kidnaps your brother and you find out about this because your friend comes and confesses this to you while sobbing). shoutout to victor who heard that whole confession with zero context and has been pantsless for about a third of the time he’s known the party

In honor of pride month I want to hear about how queer you made Barovia please and thank you.

For my game:

Strahd is an obvious bisexual king.

Rahadin is asexual, but not in like, an ace kind of way. Like in a single-celled organism kind of way.

Ireena is aroace! A decision partly inspired by a certain pool of water (iykyk), and also because she’s a little bit my self-insert. A PC hit on her in like session four and was immediately told, “Do not ever speak to me that way again.” She’s iconic and I adore her.

IZMARK. IZ. GAY. And madly in love with the druid. Unfortunately Izmark does not know he is gay. He believes it is very normal to lovingly stare into your homie's eyes and look down at his lips and imagine what it would be like to kiss him. And it is very normal to comment on how attractive your homie is, cause that's just what bros do.

Vollenta is a beautiful lesbian who refuses to let the fact that she is married to Strahd change the fact that she is a lesbian and nobody will tell her or her pile of bodies otherwise.

Ludmilla is on the ace spectrum. I mean, come on. She's with the guy for power and grant money. She says she loves him, and they're definitely intimate, but she's the kind of girly to take notes before during and after, you know?

Escher. What even needs to be said about Escher. He's Ravenloft's resident twink and proud of it. He's a little lonely and can't stop thinking about the boy he was in love with when he was young, who is now old and grizzled from age, while Escher himself remains the same age he was when he betrayed his lover and chose Strahd instead, but like... he's also pretty and immortal, so who cares?

(Escher Bonus Content: Two moms! They loved him very much and were upsettingly supportive of his decision to become Strahd's newest consort)

Anastrasya: idk she's dead pre-campaign in mine so if you came here looking for commentary on her you will not get it.

Ezmerelda is a trans lesbian! She's gorgeous and I adore her. She's just so confident that she can kill Strahd on her own and I think she's right for that. I knew I wanted her to be a love interest for one of my PCs, and it just so happens that the player in question has a type.

Danika is also bi, and she's very happily married to her wonderful little husband. This hasn't come up in the campaign at all it's just something I know to be true in my heart.

The Abbot: Gender! Fluid! Call them whatever you want. He/him when you want to play on ideas of masculinity in religious circles, they/them when you want to make them seem undefinable, she/her when you want your PCs to reflect on how much mom trauma they all have :)

Sergei is straight but that man loves the queer community so much and he deserves an honorable mention.

Arrigal is gay and very pissed that the party keeps knocking on his wagon door at 3am. His ex-husband/current boyfriend has been coerced into co-parenting a child with the cleric.

There's definitely others but these are my versions of the little guys. I am so interested to hear other people's takes on them.

[frodo-with-glasses]

Theoden’s Speech at Orthanc

“The Voice of Saruman” is a fairly straightforward chapter and I have little to say about it, but BOY do I have thoughts on this speech, so let’s go.

Tolkien is very clear that there is sorcery in Saruman’s words. He uses them to charm whoever to whom he is speaking. It looks like he can “focus” it on one person at a time, thought it looks like it has a residual effect on the peanut gallery nearby.

Almost immediately, as soon as he comes to the balcony, Saruman zeroes in on the two people he recognizes. Gandalf he dismisses out of hand; “I know him too well,” he says, “to think he seeks help or counsel here”.

So instead, he sets his targets on Theoden. Saruman heaps praise on him: calling him “worthy son of Thengel the Thrice-renowned”, “mightiest king in these western lands”, carrying “the fair countenance of the House of Eorl”. He subtly suggests that the whole war was the fault of Rohan: “You’ve done me a grievous hurt, alas, but look! I am gracious! I am willing to forgive. You are in grave peril, Theoden, and I can help you! I am the only one who can help you.”

Theoden, with some difficulty, stays quiet. I get the sense that he’s afraid to speak, in case Saruman’s sorcery changes his words mid-sentence and he’ll say something he regrets.

The first person to butt in is someone to whom Saruman hadn’t been paying any attention at all: Gimli! Without Saruman’s power focused on him, Gimli has all freedom to grab his axe and drop a hot diss track that throws even Saruman for a loop for a second. But then the wizard cranks up his enchantment on Gimli. “Noble dwarf, far from home, these are matters that don’t concern you,” he says. “Please, let me speak to the King of Rohan.”

So he tries again. Again, Theoden stays silent. Who butts in next? Eomer!

Now Saruman is getting hissy. The peanut gallery keeps interrupting his attempts to get the King of Rohan back under his spell. He snaps at Eomer, calling him a “young serpent”, before laying the enchantment thicker on him as well.

(A thought I just had while I was writing this: is it possible that Saruman’s powers of persuasion is a limited resource, and—just like pouring into multiple cups from the same pitcher—the more people he has to enchant, the less each individual person gets? This might explain Theoden’s later statement, “your voice has lost its charm”; the very fact that Gimli and Eomer were there, spitting facts and having to be silenced, lessened the strength of Saruman’s enchantment on Theoden and made it possible for him to fight back.

You could probably take it as a metaphor for surrounding yourself with good advice as a defense against evil temptations. It’s sort of a continuation of that “power of words” theme that we saw when Gandalf healed Theoden.

I could be completely off base about this—later on, we see Saruman pull out all the stops in an attempt to enchant Gandalf, thoroughly enthralling the peanut gallery in the process, and I don’t know if that’s evidence for or against my theory—but it’s an interesting thing to think about.)

And then—and then, we get to the crux of it.

Boy, this stuff makes my head hurt. You see this, right? You see what he’s doing? This is like two days after the Battle of Helm’s Deep, when all the people of Westfold fled into the caves to outrun an army of tens of thousands of orcs that are burning their homeland and killing everyone they find alive, and Saruman has the gall to imply that he never wanted to hurt poor Rohan, noooo, can’t you see that you little horse-people have forced my hand? I’m just looking out for what’s best for you! Can’t we be friends, Theoden, ol’ buddy ol’ pal ol’ chum? Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss, get the heck out.

If Saruman was ever gonna double up his enchantment on Theoden, this is the time. He’s already had two distractions. (If my theory is right, his magic batteries are also spread too thin and running low.) If he’s gonna get the King of the Horse-People back into his thrall, he’s gotta do it now, and he’s gotta do it fast.

And then, Theoden says this.

“We will have peace.”

“YAY!” cry all the Riders in the peanut gallery who are under Saruman’s spell. “YAY!” cry the warriors of Rohan, who lived and fought and watched their brothers in arms die against Saruman’s forces. “YAY!” cry the people of Rohan, the people that Theoden leads and loves, the people for whom he wishes nothing but happiness and peace but who have been thrust into misery and war.

But he holds up his hand. They misunderstood him.

“We will have peace, when you and all your works have perished—and the works of your dark master to whom you would deliver us.”

I see Theoden’s resolve here as a rock teetering on the top of a hill. One nudge, and it will go down one way or the other. Even as Theoden says this, he’s giving himself that nudge, reciting to himself the plain, harsh truth: that Saruman is the enemy, that he’s working for The Enemy, and that friendship with a traitor is the way of destruction.

And with that nudge, the rock starts rolling, and he begins to pick up speed.

“You are a liar, Saruman, and a corrupter of men’s hearts. You hold out your hand to me, and I perceive only a finger of the claw of Mordor.

“Cruel and cold! Even if your war on me was just—as it was not—”

I just want to take a second and point out this line. Saruman’s whole schtick was to manipulate Theoden into thinking that somehow, the whole war was Rohan’s fault. This is Theoden’s answer. He is having none of it. Take your gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss somewhere else and shove it up your—

“For were you ten times as wise you would have no right to rule me and mine for your profit as you desired—even so, what will you say of your torches in Westfold and the children that lie dead there? And they hewed Hama’s body before the gates of the Hornburg, after he was dead.”

You know when you’re mad and you wanna make yourself madder? That’s what Theoden is doing. He’s pulling on the worst memories he has of how Saruman’s orcs mistreated his people to fire himself up again. But more than that, he’s spitting facts, shoving reality in Saruman’s face that even his sorcery won’t be able to deny.

“You want to talk to me about peace? You burned my kingdom! You killed children! You hacked up my captain’s body after he was dead just for sport! I’ve seen all of these things with my own eyes, the blood of my kinsmen senselessly spilled on the ground and trampled into the earth, and you want to talk to me about peace?!”

“When you hang from a gibbet at your window for the sport of your own crows, I will have peace with you and Orthanc.”

This line is fantastic. That is all. It is no surprise to me that this made it into the movie, nor that I can only imagine Bernard Hill’s jowl-shaking growl of “gibbet” every time I read this line. It is graphic, it is poignant, it is straight to the point.

“I will have peace with you when you hang dead from a noose and the birds peck your flesh like a piñata.” How’s that for diplomacy?

“So much for the House of Eorl. A lesser son of greater sires am I, but I do not need to lick your fingers. Turn elsewhither.”

My word do I love this. Theoden one-shots Saruman’s appeal to pride with an appeal to humility. He doesn’t give in to arrogance. He doesn’t say, “Yes, I will defeat you because I’m just that awesome!”

He says, “I am no one great, and I wish this burden belonged to anyone more capable, but the responsibility of keeping this people safe has fallen to me—and as long as I live, I will not make them slaves of the likes of you. I am not your slave. I am not your dog. Neither are these people. Try again.”

(If that sounds familiar, that’s because it’s basically Frodo’s mantra against Sauron. This is a recurring theme.)

And finally, the mic drop:

“But I fear your voice has lost its charm.”

The fact that this leaves Saruman SEETHING IN RAGE is just beautiful to me. It’s like that part in Captain America: The First Avenger where Red Skull is like “what makes you so special?” and Steve says, “nothing; I’m just a kid from Brooklyn” and Red Skull flips out and hits him in the face. Evil cannot comprehend humility. Evil must always justify itself. Evil always tells itself it is the best, the greatest, the wisest, and the smartest, and that’s why it deserves the power it’ll tear up the world to get. Goodness says a simple, “no”, and it drives Evil INSANE.

Saruman turns to Gandalf after this, and that’s all well and good, but I’m much more enchanted with Theoden’s response. Theoden, who—as far as we know—has no magical power of his own to combat a wizard’s sorcery, manages to escape the mind control and deliver a searing diss track so white-hot that it throws the wizard himself into a temper tantrum for half a page, all by the power of his own humility and integrity. Theoden is the GOAT and the fact that he doesn’t believe he is only makes him more deserving of it.

ALL HAIL THE HORSE KING!

[twillightteaparty]

Hello! Can i have a request a Yandere! Twisted Wonderland hcs?

Yan! Malleus, Yan! Azul, Yan! Jade and Yan! Vil with s/o who plays violin or piano?

Yandere Twisted Characters Fixated On a Violin/Piano playing Student!

this is my friendly reminder that the yandere trope should stay in the world of fiction. any kind of yandere relationship is inherently toxic please don't try to replicate it in the real world. (This night not end up being all that yandere in honesty because I'm buffering really hard)

Malleus

Feels Enchanted by their music, doesn't matter what song they're playing. doesn't matter where they're playing it. he feels drawn to it. as if it's a sacred song that only he can hear guiding him through the night. he'll always be watching from afar if he can, listening with a satisfied smile on his face. otherwise, he'll get creative trying to listen to your music. everything from listening through the door, using an invisibility spell, to making up a reason to be entering the room and to 'pay him no mind'

will compliment them on their musical skill given every opportunity he can. he wants to see them happy, or flustered, when they receive praise for their hard work. especially if said praise is coming from him. will absolutely try to get them to play classical music from his homeland, just to become obsessed all over again.

you can count 5 new fancy and shiny musical instruments of choice in his stash of dragon treasure. where he hopes one day he can show them off and have them played by the one he bought them for.

24/7 daydreams about playing classical music together, or dancing to classical music together. either of which takes place at the palace most likely. though he does hope that maybe one day that won't be just a daydream. will his elegant words be enough to make it a reality?

Azul

Will pay you 3 times as much as other people to play at the lounge, please he's begging. like he will get on his hands and knees and B E G if that's what it takes. because he does have a business to run and cant just listen to you whenever. but if it's at work and your there playing music anyway- it's a win-win situation.

does want to dance with them after hours in the lounge to classical music where he can tell them how much he adores your playing, shower them in compliments. but he always shies away from it, probably because jade might be not too far away, jade can and will tease the hell out of him and he'd much rather avoid that altogether if you catch my drift.

will try to get them to sign a contract that would be more beneficial to him than really anyone else and like would try to sell them on it being a good idea for X,Y, and Z. if that's not enough to convince them he can do a better and longer sales pitch that is tailored to them to heavily consider it.

all I have to say here is gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss but it's genuinely toxic and bad and not just a joke.

Jade

"aren't I so blessed to be infatuated with someone so Talented~?" jade doesn't play anything suddlely. probably the best at twisting your arm to get what he wants. both through words and by force.

will ask you whenever he wants them to play a song. might make a specific request but more than likely just wants to be close by and listen to the music they play.

he'll also try to get you to play at the lounge so he can one keep an eye on you while he works, second of all, so he can listen to your music all at the same time.

I think jade's creepiness factor in all this is how effective he is. I imagine it being like 'your right jade, great idea' then realizing there is some catch because it's jade and just the dread.

Vil

was ecstatic to find out about their musical talent. his liddol birdie was not only the cutest but also new the sweetest melodies. he would come up with all sorts of reasons to try and get them to play music, especially when he is around.

double wants to keep his little birdie in a cage now, where he can keep them safe and sound knowing that they can't get hurt while in his care.

"Why don't you play a song? just for the two of us hm?" promises not to tease them, but that's only so he can shower them in endless praises about how talented you are. he'll also shower them in as much affection he can get away with.

you do know there are consequences to defining the queen's orders?

---

this isn't my best work and I'm not gonna pretend like it is. despite that, I hope that it was at least enjoyable to read. there were several times I was just staring at the screen not sure what to write so my apologies.

signed, Admin Tea

[queerian]

a roundup of things i have screamed at my friends on discord about CH Cherryh’s Invader

this is the second book in the Foreigner series, some mild spoilers may be contained within, but honestly, the whole series is just one long Bren Cameron and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

also forgive me for misspelling anything, i read Foreigner last year but i’m listening to Invader on audiobook so the spellings are not in my recent memory buffer

.

It’s so funny how Bren is always focusing on the wrong things I love it so much He understands so much and so little

.

Jago, banichi, tano, algini, ilisidi, cenedi, and the lady damiri’s entire household staff: my poor little meow meow the paidhi Bren: what a shame that the atevi have no word or concept of friend or love Also Bren: you have to understand, nadiin, that humans don’t have the biological imperative of association or manchi.

Jago, extremely offended that barb dumped Bren: that bitch Bren: I could never think that Jago considers me a friend. She’s atevi Bren, describing jago and banichi in such loving language but they could never love me back

This is the funniest take on pining

.

@darling-child-tisarwat  here’s my favorite bren line ever tho i think it’s from book 1: “we have to like somebody, we’re bound to like somebody, or we die,  banichi, we outright die.” not dramatic at all

Me: He’s so dramatic and has NO IDEA he’s so obsessed with conveying the right micro nuances He had NO CLUE

.

bren: gets injured, yeeted to mospheira and back in 24h, deals with pain and planetary and personal and professional crises, doesnt sleep or take meds, absolutely gluts himself on information overload and stress banichi: i will lay down my life to protect this delicate and dramatic little thing

.

@sylvanauctor jago: i'll never betray you nand'paidhi bren: she's just saying that to be nice

.

God I just realized he must be in his twenties He’s a baby!!! (i say this with all the creaky age of a 31 year old) Apparently he’s 27 in inheritor

.

Shannon:  Can’t stop imagining Banichi and Jago as the confused but loving coparents of a very excitable little dog. Something fluffy and yappy

Me:  fhsdfhgfd gotta make sure his little outfits and hair ribbons are all just so brencameron frisé banichi and jago to other atevi who dont know the paidhi: he's temperamental but he's very darling once he gets used to you. and so terribly loyal!

Shannon:  He’s not committing a terrible faux pas on purpose, he’s just  a little puppy!

Me:  paidhi bren cameron: god. i'm so sorry. i pissed on the carpet. i'm SO sorry

.

bren: jago what is going on. where's banichi jago: *crickets* banichi: *shows up 45 minutes late with starbucks* gaslight girlboss gatekeep

.

bren: god. im so sorry. i'm such an idiot. god. you must all think me SUCH a clumsy fool tano: literally everyone here is pulling for you what the fuck bren: i cant fail at this terribly important job. i MUST say the right words. it's terribly important that i dont fuck this up tano: you've received two proposals of marriage and several bags of mail from school children

.

bren: they have no concept of friendship every atevi except jago, banichi, and tabini: i shouldnt be telling you this but-

.

@cassyblue/Erin: im still mad that bren is straight like that man is at least bi

me: i have not gotten to any point that confirms or denies this please let me live in blissful ignorance sure he's only mentioned dating a woman but he's clearly in love with both jago and banichi this is another reason he is hilariously adjacent to ivan vorpatril in my head (the other reason is how they think about/mentally categorize the overload of incoming mail)

Erin: Hes like Ivan if ivan didnt grow up in a toxic masculinity world

Me: bren: at home on mospheira no one gives a fuck about politics as long as their vacations arent affected ivan: literally everything about my life is dominated by politics Erin: i dont think Bren could survive alys hed just got mowed over

Me: ALYS. ILISIDI.

[chispas-and-broken-bindings]

Chispas Does a Meta, Pt. I

and it doesn’t even mention Daario*...I know, right?

Sometimes I live in the country,

Sometimes I live in the town;

Sometimes I get a great notion

To jump into the river … and drown - Lead Belly

(Above quote used for no reason whatsoever)

Chapters in Question

Daenerys X AGOT

Jon III ADWD

I will also be pulling a few quotes from Daenerys IX AGOT & Daenerys I ACOK. For funsies.

Why these chapters? Fire & Blood sacrifices, baby.

Let’s meet our sacrificial lambs

Daenerys X, AGOT

Bound hand and foot, Mirri Maz Duur watched from the dust with disquiet in her black eyes. “It is not enough to kill a horse,” she told Dany. “By itself, the blood is nothing. You do not have the words to make a spell, nor the wisdom to find them. Do you think bloodmagic is a game for children? You call me maegi as if it were a curse, but all it means is wise. You are a child, with a child’s ignorance. Whatever you mean to do, it will not work. Loose me from these bonds and I will help you.”

Get it? Mirri is Lhazareen...who the Dothraki call Lamb men...lamb...sacrificial la— oh never mind.

“I am tired of the maegi’s braying,” Dany told Jhogo. He took his whip to her, and after that the godswife kept silent.

(above quote used and in bold for no reason whatsoever)

Jon III, ADWD

They brought forth the King-Beyond-the-Wall with his hands bound by hempen rope and a noose around his neck.

The Ghost of Christmas future is blowing in to remind everyone who only watched the show, or forgot everything that happened in ADWD, that it’s actually Rattleshirt who is sacrificed, glamored to look like our boy Mance...for reasons.

Speaking of reasons…

CHISPAS….Why ARE WE DOING HUMAN SACRIFICE? Isn’t that like...a crime against humanity**?

We can’t only gaslight and gatekeep our way into being girlbosses, okay? Sometimes we need to do a little murder. Still, for those of you who have forgotten what the context is for these two parallel sacrifices, let me bring you up to speed.

Daenerys X, AGOT is the very last chapter of book I. Dany just lost her baby, her warmongering baby daddy, and all of his warriors and riches (all the slaves worth any $$), because of 300 years of incest and some blood magic gone wrong (thanks Jorah). Despite Dany knowing who to blame (see exhibit A), Mirri had to open her mouth and go all sassy pants with her “liberator” (see exhibit B), so when Dany decides to try a little blood magic of her own, it’s the woman who pays (because for a fantasy, this series has quite a bit of unbearable realism).

Exhibit A:

Ser Jorah had killed her son, Dany knew. He had done what he did for love and loyalty, yet he had carried her into a place no living man should go and fed her baby to the darkness. He knew it too; the grey face, the hollow eyes, the limp. - Daenerys IX, AGOT

Exhibit B:

“You knew,” Dany said when they were gone. She ached, inside and out, but her fury gave her strength. “You knew what I was buying, and you knew the price, and yet you let me pay it.”

“It was wrong of them to burn my temple,” the heavy, flat-nosed woman said placidly. “That angered the Great Shepherd.”

“This was no god’s work,” Dany said coldly. If I look back I am lost. “You cheated me. You murdered my child within me.”

“The stallion who mounts the world will burn no cities now. His khalasar shall trample no nations into dust.”

“I spoke for you,” she said, anguished. “I saved you.”

“Saved me?” The Lhazareen woman spat. “Three riders had taken me, not as a man takes a woman but from behind, as a dog takes a bitch. The fourth was in me when you rode past. How then did you save me? I saw my god’s house burn, where I had healed good men beyond counting. My home they burned as well, and in the street I saw piles of heads. I saw the head of a baker who made my bread. I saw the head of a boy I had saved from deadeye fever, only three moons past. I heard children crying as the riders drove them off with their whips. Tell me again what you saved.”

“Your life.” 

Mirri Maz Duur laughed cruelly. “Look to your khal and see what life is worth, when all the rest is gone.”

Goodnight Irene, goodnight Irene, I'll see you in my dreams...Chispas has nothing to say about the above quote. Mirri does a bang-up job of explaining herself.

Where were we now? A yes. The King-beyond-the-Wall of it all.

Approximately one thousand years ago, in A Storm of Swords, when the Wall was under siege by Mance Rayder and his merry horde of wildings, Stannis “epitome of middle child syndrome” Baratheon showed up out of the BLUE to save the Night’s Watch while Jon “most conflicted boi in the North” Snow was supposed to be assassinating Mance. Instead, during the ensuing battle beneath the Wall, Jon guards Mance's tent while his wife, Dalla, gives birth...and dies. Look at Jon:  protecting babies, while Jorah...unwittingly murders them. I digress. This is not a meta about Jon and Jorah. 

After the battle Jon goes through it. He is imprisoned, released, offered Winterfell and a wilding wife, turns that down, and ends up 998th Commander of the Night’s Watch. Can I get a woop woop for Samwell Tarly?

More importantly for my very important ramblings, during the battle beneath the Wall, Mance is captured by the forces of Stannis Baratheon, along with a bunch of the wildings who weren’t strong enough to escape; a.k.a. the women, children, his baby, elderly, sickly, & injured (this is important later).

Stannis parks his ass at Castle Black and he and Jon Snow set themselves up for a real Chandler/Joey roommate situation in the upcoming A Dance with Dragons.

Gods...that was so much exposition. Can we get back to the murder, already?

Not yet...because I’m tired of typing. On the next episode of Chispas Does a Meta, look forward to “Murder Pyre Assembly for Dummies” & “Dueling Maid-of-Honor Speeches...if your Wedding is actually a Murder, and your guests are literal captives”

---

*Daario, you blue-bearded rogue - Part II is fourthcoming (as in it will arrive in approximately four years)

**For Planetos legal inquiries, please contact….literally anyone else.

[stina-is-a-punk-rocker]

jacqueline wilson’s ‘love lessons’

tw: abuse, pedophilia, characters making Bad Decisions, long unnecessary spiel about my childhood like I’m running a recipe blog

It’s funny how loads of the authors who helped shaped me into the vaguely humanoid being I am today have names beginning with the letter ‘J’; Judy Blume, Jeff Kinney, John Green, J.K. Rowling (yikes, I know) … and Jacqueline Wilson.

I’ve never owned a Jacqueline Wilson book of my own; they were always borrowed from a friend, or from a friend of a friend, or from a friend of a cousin- you get the gist. Her books, for me, come with an entire aesthetic: something reminiscent of yard sales, and reading under the covers with a flashlight, and being lulled into a false sense of security by the deceptively innocent Nick Sharratt illustration on the cover until someone’s best friend gets mowed over.

So I knew what I was getting into when I picked up Love Lessons. I knew this was going to be Fucked Up; and boy, was I right.

(Here’s the part where I warn you about spoilers.)

From an abusive dad to creepy child predator teachers to slut-shaming and victim blaming, this book has it all.

The main character is Prudence ‘Prue’ King, who is homeschooled at the beginning of the book, along with her sister, Grace. Their parents remain rooted in the early twentieth century, and are very strict about- well, everything. No TV, no computers, not a single mobile phone in the house; their clothing worse than the orphans’ from Annie; and their father remains distinctly distrustful of modern institutions like the school and the hospital; and so on, and so forth.

Daddy King suffers a stroke, and has to be taken to the hospital. Meanwhile, Mrs. King (a floppy, spineless woman who lives in fear and awe of her, frankly horrid, husband) sends the girls to school, behind the then invalid Mr. King’s back. Cue Prue and Grace being the freakshows of the school, with their strange clothing and overbearing mother.

Grace manages to make friends, but Prue remains alone. The kids are dicks, the teachers are dicks… well, all of them but one. And that’s the art teacher, Mr. Raxberry (I just couldn’t get over that name; it seems like something you’d name a mythical plant from Pixie Hollow or some shit. I’m assuming it isn’t an actual name, since the spelling & grammar check on my computer doesn’t seem to recognize it), or Rax, as he’s called.

Oh, yeah; Prudence’s favorite subject in school is art, and she’s a whiz at it. This is relevant, because reasons.

And here’s where stuff gets murky. Prue develops a crush on Rax- which is perfectly normal. I’m definitely no stranger to it; I’ve had crushes on my teachers, my mum admitted she used to think one of her professors was cute. And yeah, as I grew older, I grew out of those crushes and now have a markedly more refined taste in men (unless he’s 5’ 7’’, born in ’97 and named Bang Chan, I don’t want him); and my mum married my dad, so I’m assuming she did, too. Admittedly, now that my dad teaches at a university, it’s icky to think that there might be students who have crushes on him- but I digress.

My point is, loads of us have liked our teachers. But I doubt the majority of us have acted on it.

And Prue actively showing her interest in Rax isn’t the worst part. That’s a spot reserved for Rax reciprocating her feelings.

Guess Ezra Fitz and Ms. Grundy (yes, I watched Riverdale; please don’t cancel me) have a new addition to the Creep Club.

The age of consent in the UK is 16, if I’m not mistaken. Prue is 14. She’s just barely become a teenager, and she’s being preyed upon.

Because that is what Rax is. He’s a predator; he preys upon this vulnerable girl who’s never been in a relationship before- hell, she’s never even had friends- her father’s abusive, so she obviously doesn’t have the best experience when it comes to men- she’s unpopular at school, with the students and staff alike- and he lures her in. I don’t care how bloody nice he is to Sarah, or what a good dad he is (well, he’s really not, seeing as he cheated on the mother of his children WITH A BLOODY FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD CHILD)- the guy’s a fucking pedophile.

I was staunchly stuck at a yellow light with him; like, sure, maybe Prue thinks he’s flirting with her- maybe she’s looking at this all wrong, she doesn’t know how relationships work- see, he drew a picture of Sarah, too, in his secret notebook- Prue’s just reading into this too much- up until he says he loves her.

Dude. Humbert fucking Humbert. She’s fourteen, for Christ’s sake, and you’re married. You have two children. She’s a child. She’s probably closer to your son’s age than she is to yours.

(This is the part where I bury my head in my pillow. And scream. Extensively, and with passion.)

The book does make some genuinely good commentary on slut-shaming and victim blaming and abusive parenting. And on one hand, I can see why so many people find issue with the romanticization of the when I kissed the teacher trope- but I can defend it, too.

The book is in Prue’s perspective. She thinks she’s in love with Rax, so obviously, she’s not going to throw in some valuable moral at the end- because she’s too young and inexperienced to think otherwise. And sadly, there are loads of instances of child abuse that go unreported because the victims just don’t know better.

What I have issue with is how the school dealt with it, ultimately. Prudence, a child, has to deal with the consequences of the actions of a literal child predator. Sure, Rax ‘clears his name’ by cooking up some bullshit story about how it was only a crush and he didn’t encourage it, but you’d think other adults would know better and, oh, I dunno- dig deeper into it, instead of blaming it on a child?

“She says you told Mr. Raxberry you loved him and he held you in his arms and fondled you.”

Which Prudence denies, because, again, she doesn’t know better. She then goes on to say that they did nothing wrong. To which the adult speaking to her, in this case, the principal, Miss Wilmott, goes on to say:

“I’m not sure that’s entirely true… I feel that there are some aspects of your friendship that could be considered inappropriate.”

FYI, lady, he kissed her- multiple times (not that kissing her once makes him any more redeemable), and told her he loved her, and admitted to fantasizing about running away with her and leaving his family behind. Fun fact: do you know Prudence is underage?

You’d think that Miss Wilmott would maybe give this whole fiasco a favorable ending, but it turns out she listens to school gossip;

“I haven’t been at all happy with your attitude. You don’t seem to understand how to behave in school. I’ve heard tales of unsuitable underwear and then a silly romance with one of the boys in your class. I feel that in the space of a few short weeks you’ve made rather a bad name for yourself… I don’t know whether you intend to be deliberately insolent but you certainly come across as an unpleasantly opinionated and arrogant girl… I can’t help feeling that you’ll be much better off elsewhere. I shall try hard to engineer a suitable transfer to another school.”

And then she comes out with this gem:

“If you won’t leave, then I shall have to ensure that Mr. Raxberry finds another position.”

“No, you can’t do that! He’s a brilliant teacher.”

“You should have thought of that before you started acting in this ridiculous and precocious manner. If I were another kind of headteacher, I would have Mr. Raxberry instantly suspended. There could even be a court case. He would not only lose his job, he could find himself in very serious trouble. Did you ever stop to think about that?”

Girlboss, gaslight and gatekeep. The fucking trifecta.

Also, by ‘another kind of headteacher’, does she mean the kind of headteacher WHO DOESN’T LET CHILD PREDATORS ROAM FREELY WITHIN THEIR HALLS?

This bitch is out here blaming a child, a literal child, for the crimes of an adult man.

The only time Prue seems aware of the fact that Mr. Raxberry is actually a very shit person is her immediate thoughts that follow after she tells Miss Wilmott she’ll take the fall;

I so wanted to save darling Rax- and yet why hadn’t he wanted to save me? Had he told Miss Wilmott it was all my fault, that I’d got a ridiculous crush on him, that I’d made ludicrous advances to him? … I wanted to tell this horrible, patronizing woman how hungrily he’d kissed me, but I couldn’t do it. I loved him. I had to help him.

NO, SWEETHEART; YOU MOST DEFINITELY DO NOT.

And maybe I’m going overboard with all these excerpts, but here’s what Rax has to tell Prue, after school, following her expulsion:

“I let her think the worst of you, the best of me, just to save my skin. I said it was ridiculous talking about a love affair between us. I said you simply had a crush on me, and that I was just trying to be kind… You were brave enough to stand up to me and force me to acknowledge the truth… I love you… That’s why I had to take a risk and see you this one last time. I didn’t want you to think I didn’t care… Every night when I close my eyes, I’ll think of us together in this car and how badly I wanted to drive off with you. I’ll imagine us walking hand in hand at the water’s edge… I wish I wasn’t such a coward.”

(I burrow into the pillow further. I’m trying to suffocate myself.)

And that’s where I think Wilson went wrong. Sure, Prudence getting expelled for something that was completely out of her hands is unfair, and horrible, but it’s real. That shit can happen.

What’s bad is showing Rax in a positive light after all that. If only Wilson had written Rax to not be the Romeo he thinks he is. Make him ignore Prudence, throw her under the bus in front of her face, instead of this star-crossed lovers bullshit it’s made out to be. Show your younger audience that Rax is not a good man. I’ve got a little over two weeks left for my twentieth; I can see why this is unacceptable. But I was a little younger than Prue when I watched Pretty Little Liars, and my only gripe with Aria dating Ezra was that Noel Kahn was so much cuter.

It shows when you scroll down the Goodreads reviews; you’ve got adults giving it one or two stars, and teenagers giving it four or five, with their biggest complaints being, “but Toby was cuter!!!”

Other non-pedophilia related complaints regarding the book include: Prudence being unlikable- which I didn’t really notice, considering she reacted to some people way better than I would’ve, even at 19 (which probably says a lot more about me than it does about Prue, but oh well). Still, Prudence obviously isn’t the most prudent of people- and again, she’s fourteen. Look me in eye and tell me you weren’t an arsehole at that age (unless you’re fourteen now, in which case, I assure you that you’ll look back on yourself someday and go ‘wtf was I thinking’). Bringing up Toby’s dyslexia in an argument was low, though.

There were people who thought the Kings’ almost-Amish lifestyle was exaggerated and unrealistic, but I assure you, it may very well be real. There are 8 billion people on the world- it’s fair to assume that several of them are complete weirdos.

Grace was a sweet character, and I adored her with every fiber of my being. As were her friends Iggy and Figgy. Honestly, I would’ve loved a book about Iggy, Figgy and Piggy’s (mis)adventures too.