#the one that is so sure what theyre doing is right for them
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HERE IS WHY VIKTOR WALKED AWAY FROM JAYCE AFTER HE SAVED HIM AND WHY WE DIDN'T GET A DRAWN OUT DIVORCE!
(spoilers. Duh.)
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short answer: It's because Viktor's dead.
Long answer:
So Arcane is all about people changing right? The first season was rife with the idea that if you want to become who you're meant to be you have to kill off your old self. (I'm paraphrasing here, and poorly, just REMEBER jinx's arc throughout the first SZN ok, powder had to die for jinx to live.)
In the show so far, we know arcane takes the idea of this change and charcter "death" very seriously. Ergo in that opening scene of s2e1 when Jayce sees Viktor crushed under the rubble and barely breathing Viktor is, for all the show's intents and purposes, dead.
This is where you may be shouting, NO BUT JAYCE RESSURECTED HIM! and listen I agree with you, Jayce physically resurrected Viktor, yes, but what came out of that cocoon is not Viktor. Lemme explain.
Arcane doesn't do ressurection, period, the show is about dying and changing, nobody stays the same, and if you die you come back different, unrecognizable even. (Jinx, Silco, Vander as Warwick) Singed is the only character who tries to keep things the same, preserve them, and those thing he has preserved have either been changed spectacularly anyway (jinx, Warwick/Vander) or they are Inert (Rio).
So when Jayce lays Viktor down on the lab table and he's all rekt, he is dead, like even if he's breathing Viktor is functionally dead, with no magical or medical intervention he will die/has died. (I have a bone to pick here a bit with the fact that Jayce didn't take him to a hospital. Maybe it was because of the glowy appendages but I doubt it. Which leads me to assume that Viktor's injuries were beyond medical treatment meaning, once again, that he's basically dead. )
Ergo when Jayce explicitly goes against Viktor's wishes to destroy the hexcore and instead fuses it into Viktor. What comes out of that cocoon isn't Viktor anymore.
Viktor says it himself when he walks out of the cocoon he asks " what am I?" And he says something like " I died/I should be dead." While it's subtle I think we, the audience, are meant to take this very LITTERALLY.
Even while Jayce is exclaiming that he" is alive" Viktor is very sure that he isn't, that he's dead and changed. (Hella bummed he didn't get a pretty arc for this change but I guess theyre counting S1 as his arc? Anyway)
There is very important moment I want to draw your attention to here, when Jayce embraces Viktor, in joy, and Viktor slowly returns the embrace one armed and leans into Jayce, he doesn't close his eyes. (I know this sounds crazy bare with me) What I'm positing here is that this is the first inkling that Viktor is gone because he doesn't accept what Jayce is telling/giving him.
Essentially in that reunion scene, imma call it a reunion, Jayce is giving Viktor everything he wanted, their dream, their partnership, Jayce's love and attention. (don't argue with me on this Viktor is s1 wanted both even it was unsaid) And Viktor refuses all of it, he doesn't accept Jayce's affection, he doesn't close his eyes when they embrace! closing his eyes, sinking into that hug would have been acceptance, it would have been the moment that Viktor, actual Viktor, had been waiting for. (and boy had he been waiting).
But what walked/crawled/clawed their way out of that cocoon isn't Viktor. Instead it's Viktor's body and whatever impression of Viktor, or maybe parts of his soul, he gave up/lost to the Hexcore.
I think the hexcore has, very litterally, become Viktor, like Jayce basically sacrificed Viktor's body to give the thing life and now it's wearing Viktor's face and has these remnants of his memories. I believe this because it also has Skye's voice!
The hexcore didn't have a voice before, it was like a weird murmuring hum, and Viktor couldn't understand it. But now whatever parts are left of Viktor and Skye have amalgamated into the hexcore and their good intentions/idealism are functioning to guide this newly born hexcore/machine herald. (That would explain why it leaves Jayce, it has the memories of Viktor's love but not the actual emotion, it would explain why it returns to the undercity, because it has memories of that place as "home" from both Vik and Skye, and it would also explain why the MH will eventually wear a mask, because it's not Viktor, it just has his face.)
So it makes sense when the machine herald leaves Jayce after that confession and offer, because it's not Viktor anymore. Viktor is dead and Jayce failed to save him.
Anyway, hope that cleared it up for you, of course THIS IS JUST A THEORY! AN ARCANE THEORY (I couldn't help myself)
A/N, this explanation isnt meant to, like, invalidate any complaints that the Divorce arc was too rushed/fast/thrown aside. Because in a lot of ways I think it was!
This also isn't to say that this explanation I give above is the perferred way to tell Viktor's story! Because I don't think it was! In many ways by killing Viktor and making him like, the human conduit for the hexcore, they have taken away 99% of Viktor's autonomy as a character. His choices are no longer his own, his actions are tainted by this corrupting force, he (if he is even alive) no longer is himself. This victimizes Viktor in a way I don't love but also draws away from his very valid and real pain and anger.
In the machine herald lore in LoL we have these ideas of transhumanism, self reinvention, and at its core, a guy who, pushed to his limits, turned his back on Pilotover and let his own hubris lead him to committing atrocious acts.
In LoL, Viktor becomes a monster, he chooses to be the machine herald, he meticulously replaces/removes parts of himself so he can become closer and closer to what he views as the " perfect machine". His glorious evolution surrounds this idea, that humanity is inherently weak and that the only way to overcome that weakness is to surrender to the machine, to evolve.
Arcane Viktor is not getting this Arc, whatever way they try to twist the magic they gave him he's not going to get this level of revenge or autonomy, he just isn't. His purpose is likely not going to be anywhere near as strong because like I said up top Viktor's a dead man. And he isn't getting to make choices anymore.
I'll end this post here before it gets unbearably long but feel free to pop off in the reblogs, tags, and comments lads!
Love Arcane too bits and can't wait for Act 2! JAYVIK NATION RISE!
#arcane#arcane spoilers#jayvik#machine herald#jayce talis#viktor arcane#league of legends#arcane season 2#the defender of tommorow
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HI i just remembered to respond to this FUCK ok so
I MASSIVELY AGREE with the binjpipe takes. i think ETS was good/iconic if only because it was so like. JARRING in a good way. but it was so lighting in a bottle tbh, and like u said it isnt rlly good horror. only rlly shocking if ur actually attached to cookie, which ppl are. cookie gets replaced by an AI tried to be ETS all over again, and it wasnt, and it kinda rlly showed, like you said, how they shine best with comedy. also I FULLY AGREE. fuck, im pretty sure its one of the reasons ive just grown tired of jackbox by now, both me and my gf (we met thru shared jackbox love), its bc every time binjpipe happened we were just like "THIS SHIT AGAIN?????" like it just made any sort of investment in it or hopes of cookie getting better just. feel so fucking moot. why bother getting invested if its just constantly going to get dragged back up. the "evil streaming service" joke is dead. its BEYOND dead. we havent even heard of the binjlady anymore. its lost any sort of omnious buildup. to me binjpipe's appeal was that it clearly wasnt going to last long. it was a nightmare that was just going to keep on ramping up until it crashed and burned horrendously, and fuck thats SO cool to consider and write about. but they keep dragging it out, and now its just sad. its boring. fucking. selling adult films?? give me a break.
ok about the party packs, HONESTLY SAME. like idk the writing is what really gets me about it tbh. i guess theyre good party games (tho i can get bored really fast, save for roomerang, and even so thats mostly bc of the goofyness of the responses), but YEAH youre so right. like idk if its because theyre ALSO doing the international translations but ithink it goes with the fact that the hosts severely lack character. when its like for some games, its ok if they dont have character (quixort), but its like that means theres A BALANCE. pack 8, ok? games like job job and weapons drawn, that CALLS for the hosts having character because its putting you in a situation WHERE the host is an active part of that situation. its like "wow im really in funny office" or "wow im really doing a murder!!!" right now, yknow? Push the Button, DODE was her own character and had noteworthy quips and she was a vital part of the games story/framing device! todd is iconic bc hes such a chill internet guy and then he sends you to hell! felicia is all morbidly romantic bc youre on a MONSTER DATING SHOW. a lot of the games stand out BECAUSE of the unique situations ur in that envoke unique prompts/unique gameplay, meanwhile something like fixytext? i dont know SHIT about the host. and its kind of a shame that the cannon jackbox lesbian host we have is SO FUCKING BORING GOD. most i can get is that shes introverted, but i gen cant tell if its genuine, if its some kind of "akward bacon unicorn moment! #millenial" type shit, what the fuck even really IS Fixytext at the end of the day. what makes it more than google docs shitposting simulator. its such a fucking shame, esp for the TENTH PACK. like god maybe they rlly do need to take a hiatus bc the change in. writing quality is. idk it just didnt help my dropping fixtation i'll say that.
also wait FR????? JESUS CHRIST thats actually a shame, i wanted to try and play that game!!! (namely bc funny objectum) and like. the ONE naughty pack exclusive host and we get NOTHING about her. i dont even like the fucking conch shell design im sorry. jackbox crew yall are great but how in this green unholy earth do you expect ppl to draw and remember your designs when your hosts are so. flat. fuck, mayonnaise, fucking M BUBZ, is more memorable than nickolas kranrker whatever and dr nanners and jerri, i cant tell you a SINGLE thing about jerri tbh. its such a shame. i want to love these guys i really do but theres nothing that endears them to me.
tbh if they end up not doing anything for ydkj it'll be funny in a kinda sad way tbh. on the one hand it'd BE nice on the other hand yeah its been nothing since full stream, eh. could they even do a YDKJ anymore? i remember once upon a time there was all this hype/discussion of a "ride 2" where the only real roadblock was that buzz's VA has well moved on from voice acting i think, but ppl had ideas for giving him a new voice, maybe even making it a transgender reason, all this stuff. this was like a couple of years back. but its like god i'd be shocked if they even remember guy exists at this point. or nate. hes sorta got a chance given his VA is literally a core part of the crew.
also i getcha. glad i could offer a space to let ya vent like that lawl
roomerang completely fucking fumbled with giving rue any sort of character we could've had a fun host we could've had that snark we could've had ANYTHING to match the sheer amount of swag in her design but we got BASICALLY NOTHING/very vague hints of character ("I'm beside myself... and I look good!" And "dramaaaa!!! :3") which is CRUMBS compared to even the most one note hosts like glargan o'toe or civic doodle's hosts and as petty as it sounds it's kinda the reason I fell out of love with current jackbox </3
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this is not a comprehensive list
#in order from left to right (with explanations):#k on#(self explanatory. definition of moe.)#a place further than the universe#(theyre at least a little insane for going all the way to antarctica for funsies)#bocchi the rock#(good mix of insane and sweet. most of the insane parts come from bocchi herself)#nichijou#(literally so much happened all the time)#and asobi asobase#(they did do arson)#i haven't seen azumanga daioh or yuru camp and i never finished lucky star#but based on what i know abt the first two id put it... azumanga between bocchi and nichijou. and yuru camp with or after k on#and from what i remember abt lucky star its also just after k on#a bit quirkier but nothing ever really happens in it. as far as i watched. which is why i stopped watching LOL#but thats all assumptions and second hand knowledge so i figured i shouldnt actually include them unless i was SURE#i also thought abt putting asteroid in love in here too but that one is a bit more niche so i left it out#i also excluded any idol shows bc that feels like a different category. and would make this too long#sorry zombieland saga and love live....#i also excluded straight up yuri. this is more abt Hanging Out than romance. but some is allowed as long as its not the focal point#like kita in btr. shes very yuri but the show isnt about that#you could probably also put is the order a rabbit on here but idr much from that. i think i watched like 3 episodes umm 100 years ago#i also thought abt putting the highschool girls segments from daily lives of highschool boys here. but they arent in most of the show#tho theyd probably go between nichijou and asobi asobase. or maybe on par w nichijou#that one girl did almost kill the other two with a rock as im sure youve all seen
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Civilian Gothamites realizing they can get vengeance through Sword!Robin
Gothamites figuring out if they happen to mention a rogue treating animals poorly within hearing range of sword!Robin that rogue will be in custody with at least four fractures and a concussion and Damian being completely aware that like 63% of these people are lying but it’s the only way he can get experience with the nonlethal takedowns he’s experimenting with bc everyone keeps complaining about how he treats his opponents and allies
Like he’s guiding a civilian to safety and they mention that “this would be the worst thing to happen to me today if riddler didn’t stab my fucking cat” and this civilian does not own a cat but they did own a car that was just paid off but riddler fucking crushed it with a stupid ass hot air balloon that’s shaped like a fucking question mark and Damian is aware of this bc he was the one that verified the insurance claim (but he’s been looking for a reason to punch Nygma in the throat since his last Arkham escape when he called Damian a moron)
And he also knows that if he plays along with it and says ‘as if I’d let that gaudy and tactless imbecile get away with committing such atrocities’ when prompted that he’ll get away with barely a slap on the wrist like he gets three half hearted but long lectures he’s not going to listen to and an online sensitivity training seminar he goads Tim into completing (Damian and Tim 100% try to trick each other into doing work they don’t want to do and full heartedly believe the other has no idea what they’re doing)
Bruce’s tendency for finding small crashouts at risk of becoming future rogues in Gotham and deciding they need love & supervision but what actually happens bc he’s so fucking awkward is they get almost the same amount of supervision just with like an hour of intense helicopter parenting a week but honestly besides that they just have more money and resources to do fuck shit
Tim 🤝🏾 Damian: using the manipulation tactics they learned from their mothers then later improved on with help from an assassin cult and bat/cape interrogation questioning techniques on the homies
#Both central city and gotham are referred to as crashout central and no one’s ever sure which city is being mentioned unless a cape is named#random Gotham civilians outsourcing a rogue getting their ass kicked to a middle schooler with a katana is fucking funny#Damian & Tim 100% try to trick each other into doing work they don’t like and definitely believe the other has no idea what theyre doing#Whenever damian gets benched the civilians protest until he’s back on duty#and are just generally unhelpful like ‘answer your questions?? That’s crazy I got a question for you: where’s my guy??’#Random gothamite: Batman’s so mean like free my guy 😔 he didn’t even do anything?? He’s just a little guy#Their friend visiting from out of state who’s pretty sure they saw that kid fuck up a dinosaur with no backup: 🤨 ikyfl#the loa ninja who came for a welfare check: you’re joking right???#Sword!robin#robin 5#Robin V#gothamites definitely tried to count the robins but they change names heights & costumes so often that no one’s really sure#so there’s angry!Robin nerd!Robin emo!Robin blonde!Robin and sword!Robin#but there’s also the theories of robin being an amalgamation of every child ghost in Gotham or a shapeshifter with an emo dad#only in gotham#dc civilians#Damian Wayne#Damian Al Ghul#Damian Al Ghul Wayne#dc robin#robin#dc comics#Civilian Gothamites: that polite young man!!#The bats & everyone else that knows Damian: 🤨#Damian currently using psychological warfare against scarecrow a rogue w/ a doctorate in psych and winning: dr crane?? more like dr cringe#Damian: sometimes I just get the urge to weep inconsolably not out of fear but bc I know you believe yourself to be a threat & that’s false#Insurance companies in Gotham either make so much money it’s insane or every employee has 746 hits out on them at all times
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Some fantasy traveler inventory details (like what they would carry in their bags), based on two of the recent costumes I did.. love finding random little scraps and items and putting them together lol
#it's obvious who's is who's since they match their outfits HOWEVER.. consider if they were switched lol#evil villain looking man carrying around pressed flowers in a cutesy lacy pouch#fantasy costume#what's in my bag#actualyl that would have been funny to make a video. I should make a video#I'm sure someone else has already done this#but like.. lifestyle vlogger type content however I'm dressed in fully costume as some weird elf or something#pulling things out of my bag and showing them to the camera and talking about how they're useful for whatever#but it's all fantasy scenarios and talking like it's very common#'and of course. i know it's a bit cliche#EVERY traveler has one of these. but you know. theyre just useful! thats why everyone has one!' *pulls out a completely unrecognizable item#thats like some weird fantasy world prop and doesn't even explain it because In-world it's normal and wouldnt need to be talked about*#'room tour' video and it's just like 'yeah I sleep on this mat under a bunch of trees uh.. over here by these rocks. at least right now. I#kind of wander around a bit. so'#Like a clothing haul but it's a potions shop haul or something and they ramble about some obscure drama in the potions community and how the#y hard to barter and steal and entire flock of sheep or something just to get one of them. etc. etc.#I could do ones for different characters too like. multiple people from different walks of life showing what they carry around with them.#just like this but more interview sort of vlog format instead of photos#This is where not having much money and not having my own house with land becomes an issue though#I think it would take you out of the illusion if the background was always the same. I can make small sets because there's one blank wall in#a room that it's easy to move all the stuff away from in front of and clear a spot and like hang up fabrics or whatever but still.. hmms#So one of those 'fun idea but dubious about handling the execution' things. also One Of Those Things where without looking it up you're 100%#sure it's already been done and you don't want to look weird since it's vaguely niche. Like if 100 people have done something it's fine but#if only like 3 other people have then you look weird maybe ghhjbj.. or only one other person gods forbid. looks even weirder potentially#Or do people not care about ''copying'' anymore?? idk. I'm not updated with the internet's changing culture. I just have a fear of accidenta#lly doing something like that and then people getting mad even though it's really just that I competely had no idea it had been done because#again.. I live under a rock and am unaware of everything lol. ANYWAY. also would require my face being on video which I don't like. Though I#would be in costume so that helps. I think to be fully comfortable I'd need light modifications to make my face look different. which isn't#hard but is more effort when it has to be translatable in multiple angles. ANYWAY. ghjbhj... Now I think it would be funny actually. maybe#one day. I haven't made any videos (aside from on the gameplay/sims channel) in a long long time actually. hmm'st
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the bear s3 spoilers
below the cut! thinking about claire and stuff we saw this season re: carmy/syd/the restaurant/donna, just finished the season so itll be a mess and also im comin in way too hot on this so my bad
sometimes...... sometimes i believe you guys are all watching different tv. im not sure how this season didnt feel like a direct through line from s2?? and im not sure WHY everyone is SO MAD about claire LITERALLY "haunting" this season. girl. come on. we need to have a sit down talk about how the berzatto generational trauma is the real meat of this show (this will make sense, just trust me). thats the MAIN EMOTIONAL POINT. syd's relationship with her dad, marcus and his mom, richie and evie, even tina and louie are all examples of parental relationships that are tender, sweet, supportive, etc. these are INTENTIONAL!! by creating these relationships we see PLAINLY how fucked donna is and how much she fucked up all of these kids. thats why "ice chips" was such a FANTASTIC episode. there was SO MUCH unpacked, so much revealed, so much worked through with sugar and her but at the end of the day she's still learning how to unlearn all of this horrific narcissistic bullshit. SHES STILL UNLEARNING THOUGH. thats where fucking DONNA of all people sits right now——somehow, she's learning how to heal. EVERYONE IS LEARNING. that's also what is so important about that episode.
now lets look at carmy. in "ice chips" we are LITERALLY told about how each berzatto is born: mikey fighting against the idea of being alive at all, nat into a quiet, soothing room, and CARMY is fucking born into EVERYONE SCREAMING and ARGUING and FIGHTING. we are BLATANTLY told that all carmy has ever known is HELL and all he's ever known how to communicate is through exploding. this is so violently against what we also know about his personality from childhood in "fishes" (anxious growing up, arts-oriented, had a hard time making friends). now, he works a violently stressful job, processing the trauma from both his mother (and chef fields [joel mchale], realistically) through the high-stress environment.
NOW. ENTER CLAIRE.
HOW is she not fascinating to you all. we don't see her whole story (because the bear, duh) but we are given just enough pieces here to put together that her story runs parallel to carmy's. how are you not getting this. walk with me.
claire. glasses, nerdy, quiet, sweet, girl next door. family friend! cute, but considered mid for a long time by everyone at school, but suddenly the berzatto men all badger carm, "oh she got a glow up, oh shes looking for you, she wants to see you," etc etc etc. what happened in between?
she finds herself. she finds the stressful thing she LOVES, which is the hospital. her job is objectively more stressful than carmy's (illustrated by that scene earlier in the season but i forgot the episode, where claire talks about the girl who got her shit wrecked by the glass table), and while we don't have an exact understanding of what her home life was like, we understand that her and carmy both have a level of internal anxiety that thrives on the stress of their careers. HOWEVER, claire does it because she loves it. carmy just doesn't know how to stop.
this is what makes claire feel like "peace" to carmy——because her high-stress job is a choice, an active choice she is making because it fulfills her. it's not to prove her dead brother wrong, or to honor his own legacy, or to prove that dickbag boss wrong, or to leave a mark on the world, or to make her own life worthwhile, or to prove that she doesn't need anyone else. she genuinely enjoys helping people even when the days are stressful, or scary. he's obsessed with this. he wants to know how she does this. every day she leaves that stress at home——and he wants to learn how to do that too.
claire is VITAL to this season and to understanding carmy's stress——and how far back he is in his healing process. it should only become more and more apparent, as we see characters like tina (the beef/the bear became vital to her success/development as a chef AND person, both for the people AND her love of food), marcus (not hiding his grief, but using it to help rationalize how much his mother loved him and wanted to be surrounded by people that love him), and richie (finding a purpose through service/expo and understanding he can start over again) push through their own traumas and struggles to become better people. if donna can be not only present at sugar's bedside during labor, but WELCOMED at this point in the show, it makes carmy's inability to heal all the more present. claire is an important part of this puzzle: she helps us see a window into a world where carmy is balanced emotionally, but unbalanced professionally, because he has no idea how to make the two coexist.
however, the idea that he can be balanced emotionally at all is so fucking enticing——with the help of someone who experiences stress in the same way as him (and who is familiar with his familial trauma), he has the opportunity to grow up and move on from his family trauma and wounds perpetuated by the industry he works in.
on the flip side of this....... his inability to process any of this is starting to impact syd. and frankly, that's some bullshit. his lack of communication, inability to community build/trust ANYONE, and his violent stubbornness is pushing her into the same space that he was in under chef fields, in a much slower, more subtle manner, and for slightly different reasons. her panic attack at the end of the season could read in two directions to me: her stress over the responsibility of changing so many people's lives has boiled over once she remembered that the beef once was truly great (hey five star review on the fridge!), OR, she realizes how much she isn't in it for the food. fuck a Michelin star: she wants to cook with her family. chef terry says at the end of "forever", in the garage with carmy, that she's so grateful she got to do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, where she wanted, with the people she wanted to do it with. sydney is so close to having those things at the bear——but carmy's dysfunction is keeping it just out of arms reach. the two of them are now on opposite sides of the approach from last season: syd dying for a star, and carmy dying to cook for the woman he loved. now, carmy is hungy for recognition again, desperate to prove something, and sydney is remembering (thanks to the conversation with other chefs during the ever funeral service) why she loved cooking in the first place. so this leaves us to wonder: should she stick it out? for the people? or make something of herself? is she carmy, or is she terry? i guess we will just have to see.
all this to say: every character is connected. the bear is a show about family, found and blood, and the choices we make for, with, and because of the people we love, for better or for worse. food is only the center of it, because it's the center of all of our lives. you can't hate claire without understanding where she sits in the web of the berzatto family. and really, you can't hate her if you understand what her presence means for carmy, for syd, and the restaurant as a whole.
#the bear#the bear season 3#the bear fx#the bear hulu#the bear meta#carmy berzatto#sydney adamu#claire the bear#the bear s3#the bear spoilers#the bear s3 spoilers#the bear season 3 spoilers#the bear season 3 meta#the bear analysis#eenposting#sorry.... feeling very passionately about this show#im not sure why this season felt like a stretch from the past two seasons#i didnt feel that way at all.... felt like a natural progression of the thing weve been given. some of them are healing and some of them ar#NOT. some of them very much are not. but all we can do is watch#thats always been the beauty of the bear. all we can fucking do is watch. and theyre all just gonna duke it out cus the family is CRAZY#i need some other friends to finish this shit so i can do real textual analysis because i ahve a lot of feelings about the metaphors and#imagery and symbolism and stuff from this season. this seaon was really really good to me and it felt like one huge movie#SO cinematic and SO good and visually so gorgeous and it sucks that theyre moving in a more cinematic direction and ppl hate it#LAME! LAME BITCH#THIS IS SOOO THE EXACT SAME SHOW AS ITS ALWAYS BEEN. THEY FINALLY JUST HAVE MONEY#i do wish we got more kitchen stuff but i understand we are growing out of the kitchen stuff as carmy gets more and more uncomfortable#in the industry#AND LIKE I SAID#THE KITCHEN AND FOOD WAS ALWAYS JUST THE FUCKING STAGE FOR THIS ABSOLUTELY BATSHIT FAMILY MELODRAMA#LIKE WHAT????? YOU ALL KNEW THAT RIGHT....... THIS SHOW ISNT REALLY ABOUT A KITCHEN OR FOOD OR CULINARY ARTS AT ALL
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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I can imagine the first cycle after moving. Probably Leo because Donnie likely has internal scarring, so leo goes through the process of laying his eggs, panics, his brother can't help, and finally, *finally* they ask for help. It's not willingly. It's not for fun. It's purely necessity. It's purely because there's *literally noone else* and the idea of telling anyone at all is so scary that the way they do so is in a note. Splinter sits them down and basically walks them through "You're safe, you're fine. We can handle this however you feel most comfortable, including getting you both on blockers if you prefer" and they just.... sigh. For the first time, there's *someone else* in their circle, and it's willing and it's warm, and it's *safe*. There will be tears.
Yes, except I'm not convinced that either of them could stand to tell anyone. Even if it was literally life or death (which it has been before,) I'm not sure if either of them could bear to give up that information. Donnie is finally, finally away from the people who hurt him when he got found out last time, and even though logically, he knows that it's different here, he's absolutely petrified of the thought that the same thing will happen again and it won't be over anymore. He's still horrified by the idea of anyone else knowing about Leo when he's gone to such lengths for so long to protect him, and Leo is likewise terrified in the same way. They've spent years with this being their more closely guarded secret, and that's going to be really difficult to give up.
But it's really not a secret they'll be able to keep for long.
They're in a completely different environment, with far less space and privacy. They're both stressed as hell and Donnie WAS on birth control and taking all sorts of vitamins and supplements to make sure he didn't eggbind again and now he's suddenly not and it's not only messing with his body, it's fucking scary. It literally keeps them both up at night. Neither of them know how to wash blood out of clothes or sheets. There's no private en suite bathroom they can sequester themselves away in. They're both literally making themselves sick with anxiety trying to deal with this, and they're used to handling this on their own, this is routine for them, but they're not used to all of this.
They'd probably metaphorically limp through a few cycles before their family puts it together and gently confronts them.
Venus probably figures it out first. She's pretty smart, and incredibly observant, and after all-- she quite literally experiences the exact same thing. April may not lay eggs, but I think she'd be able to get the idea after a bit as well. And while I think Splinter would realize something was wrong pretty quickly, Draxum would probably realize what was wrong first. Splinter has April, so he has a little bit of experience in this realm, but Draxum has Venus and so he has far more experience.
And so when they do sit them down and talk with them, it's going to be really scary at first. And then they get to, "you're safe, you're fine, we can handle this however you feel the most comfortable. It will be okay. No one will hurt you."
And then there's finally other people in the know, in the circle, people who will actually help them. And yes-- there will definitely be tears.
#leo in particular will probably panic at least a little when theyre confronted#because its been what? almost four years?#almost FOUR YEARS of him keeping this a secret at any cost#almost four years with no one else in the universe aside from his twin knowing#and now the spell is broken#but its okay#and they might panic and cry for a little but then they calm down and its... actually ok. things will actually be okay#april will take to big-sistering them so hard#and lowkey just? having venus exist in the household will be incredibly helpful#(she was honestly so baffled that everyone else didnt realize what was going on right away. it wasnt obvious????)#mikey tries to spoil them the same way he tries to spoil venus whenever she feels nasty#(but has to adjust a bit to respect boundaries because. donnie will bite him...)#likewise raph tries to take care of them the same way he'd take care of casey#(ie by leaving offerings at their doors and staying the fuck out of their way. just overall letting them do or have whatever they want)#their family will take care of them and keep them safe and things will get better#its honestly a huge relief when they get caught in some ways because leo can finally be like#and donnie got really sick one time and almost died and im scared itll happen again PLZ can we make sure it doesnt happen again#donnie in the background like >:0000 that leo just fucking OUTTED HIM LIKE THAT#but to leo 1000% worth it if it means donnie wont get sick and die#(as if donnie is actually realistically at any more significant risk of that than leo is)#(quite frankly theyre BOTH at risk of it at the time because of how stressed they are. lowkey a miracle neither of them eggbound yet smh)#also donnie def has internal scarring lmao;;;; poor bab. makes it a bit rough...#menstruation#tw menstruation#cw menstruation#gemini au#asks#anon#csa implied#cw csa implied
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My heart goes out to all anime duos where only one of them got a nendoroid. Im sorry that your boyfriend died or something😔
#Balance unlimited#Haru literally had merch of a nendoroid design idk why they didnt make him#my new boss is goofy#Where is momose#bishounen tanteidan#This one technically doesnt count cuz only doujima got a nendo#But they shoulda made manabu too cuz theyre the protags#At least#Jeweler richard#Do people remember the richard nendoroid doll?#I would pay good money for him#He should get a regular nendoroid AND seigi should get one too#jibaku shounen hanako kun#Where is nene#Actually i think shes most likely to get one#Haruhi suzumiya#Ok kyon does have a nendoroid but he only got one for the movie and also we never got a koizumi#Like yall gonna make everyone but koizumi???why???????#Tell me what anime duos or groups got scammed so i can inlcude them cuz im sure im missing some#Plus these are the one in my fandoms#LAHARL#wait oops#Disgaea#Flonne and etna got nendos but not laharl#And raspberyl for some reason#I just looked up richards nendoroid right now and hes 300 dollars#Hatsune miku ass worth
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sometimes my parents make me want to commit violent crimes
#mine#sorry for putting this on your dash im just angry & have no one i can really bother with this#my brother said he wasnt sure if he wanted to come with us to a castle tomorrow#but hes too young to be home alone all day#so i went to tell my parents bc i sidnt think they wanted to learn that tomorrow morning#instead of even asking why they immediately started with the passive agressive comments#and in an annoyed tone going 'i just dont get what could be so bad about a day of fun with family'#first of all he didnt even say he wasnt goint#second shut the fuck up#he cant speak anymore & is crying#i offer him a bunch of alternatives while my father insults each one and makes it sound ridiculous#while my brother types on his phone#my father starts ranting at my parent about it#as if my brother isnt right fucking there and also 11 years old#im so happy he isnt coming with us#like yeah i never see him but the times i do are always so horrible that im kinda glad about it#he avoids us like the plague & we avoid him back#my parent is fine most of the time#but never in situations like this#if other people are upset in a way that inconviences them theyre shit about it too#anything related to not doing good in school also#and like im fine#im upset sometimes sure but i know i dont deserve this & i can deal with it fine#i dont think my brother deals with it very well though#so im very worried about him#especially bc i think high school is going to be a big struggle for him#possibly more than me#and tbh i think im more of a parental figure to him than our actual parents
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adhd comix
#man i dont even have the energy to be mad. im just tired#like. dont u love it when your parents exhibit symptoms of ADHD and your sibling is diagnosed with a learning disability#and instead of thinking oh shit what if the other one has smth too. they subject you to The Horrors#i cant bring myself to hate my parents. but im tired of feeling obligated to defend them when the thing they think is working#isnt actually working and ive just found other ways to cope to avoid any sort of conflict. like lying and stealing. lol#if someone took me aside and said 'hey so your brain doesnt make as much dopamine as usual and its not a bad thing it just means you#need external stimulation and reward system to function and youre not actually secretly fucked up or lazy' as a kid#im pretty sure i wouldnt be here rn with half the problems i already have. unfortunately getting diagnosed late means u dont have a teacher#to back you up at a parent teacher conference that forces your parents to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it hoping itll#go away on its own. but hey what do i know i have squirrel ipad baby disease. what do i know about my own symptoms#AND. AND i think im allowd to be mad bc ive been doing my own research on this for years before and after diagnosis#theyve been putting me thru the WORST parenting techniques on earth. which they could have corrected at anytime but they were#comfortable thinking they were doing it right and didnt bother to check if they were or werent fucking up their kid in the long run#and refusing to acknowledge it. i just!! they just decided one day hey lets make babies!! and just looked at books on how to make#a human being survive as long as possible!!! what the fuck!!!!#im sorry for putting this on ppls dashes but i am. so tired. of bottling this up. and im not looking for sympathy or anything i just need#to scream and clench my fists to SOMEONE about it because theyre not gonna take this well up the ass. sigh#yapping#vent
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i love doodling swapinverse like hello drawing characters aside from the normal mtt is lowkey therapeutic 🧡🧡🧡 anyways i FINALLY FINALLY finished crash's lore!!!! and vice.SER is connected to him,,,, theyre interconnected!!! i forgot how much i liked crash's design (not the design but all the little gimmicks in the design. figuring out all the hanging ribbon bits is annoying but hey it looks good)
#outertale does not exist in swapinverse anymore. how quaint#dude thalia and melpomene are th only ones that r like. 100% good#I NEED TO MAKE MORE GOOD AND NICE CHARACTERS😭😭😭😭#mst..... recreators (qip name 4 siphon n crash?) and vice.SER........ theyre all EVIL (or have evil goals)#i WAS thinking doing something with reaper because i adore his design and aesthetic and i wanna combine it with SOMETHING idk what#anyways if core frisk error which is supposed to be vice.SER exists then should normal core frisk exist too?????#i mean i dont think that just because a core frisk role esque person exists doesnt mean the role is instantly filled up#the mst and mtt co exist in swapinverse but those 3 are like.... NORMAL aus. not outcodss n stuff#i love the giant lance thing i gave crash. i mean the ribbons can form any weapon and take any shape (kinda like puella magi mami's guns)#but like..... it just is so cool i love characters that use multiple weapons#i LOVE (haha) every single little gimmick thing i give swapinverse characters. the tiny details is what i adore giving them#if you catch me not posting 4 a bit its probably just bc im working on swapinverse or jk fashion au. or maybe ive seriously just lost motiva#anyways i have a few banger rants in my drafts ive yet to elaborate om but just like....... i dont feel like it#someon needs to wrangle those posts out of my tired lazy arms#lowkey why do siphon and crash remind me of kanade and mafuyu. idk i cant explain#if you cut vice.ser in half it would be like jelly with binary in it. i wanna eat him#he would tingle on my tongue but thats just the static. eating yhe glasses would be difficult bit they dont have lenses so its ok#i drew them both looking at us but i think that vice.ser is the only true one always looking at US.looking out from inside#god i love swapinverse sooo much i wish i could get it done faster and be goatedly good with motivation. a shame#but i do think that i may be finishing up the character descriptions 500% ish sure#SO THEN THAT MEANS I CAN WORK ON THE ACTUAL STORY!!!! WOOOOO#ive already decided that theres gonna be mentions of me myself and i in it. i love meta storytelling#im cursed with perpetually sweaty hands i hate having to draw on slighty damp paper. nobody understands me#UGH im getting too happy in life im starting to act weird in public and offering to help people. i need to stop#anyways just school doodles!!! because in the period where they take our phones i have naught to do but draw#i need to get back (start) my english reading. and then help my friend with a few questions on her homework. how joyous#and then i can get back to my BETTER homework (working on swapinverse :3)#crash managed to destroy outertale in his lore i wonder how many worlds vice.SER will destroy#actually if hes supposed to be core frisk error then i should make him NOT destroy worlds right???? right#tricule rant
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only good thing abt the vous situation is that it lets me experience tecteun calling 13 the child that im 100% convinced she actually would bc shes the only one who uses tu for her
#what language do you think theyre actually speaking#bc like on top of all the other um disconcerting stuff abt the whole situation on that spaceship for 13#iamgine walking into that tree room and refinding that woman there and then she starts talking to you in like. this ancient gallifreyan#like old high gallifreyan hours#a language you only kinda learnt at school a couple millennia ago#im a big believer of the doctor and the master speaking gallifreyan when theyre alone i have fun with that in fic#(i dont think they speak entirely the same native language i think gallifryan is a diglossia but not the point)#but neither of them Speak old high like thats a dead language#i think 13 would drop into gallifreyan after opening in english#'hello im the doctor' in you know good old sheffield english#and then tecteun responds with 'i know' but in like....fucking latin#latin is probably not the best analogy but i dont know the history of english#old english i gues but we dont really learn that in school#anyway imagine how disconcerting#and i imagine she'd switch to gallifreyan sure but like. her modern mountain gallifreyan from lungbarrow right?#that vs tecteuns fucking classical dead textbook gallifreyan#or thats how it would feel to the doctor bc tecteun is pre-timelord. this is just her language#or....her language would be what would later become old high#so maybe she speaks to her Child as she used to actual eons ago#and to the doctor the closest this sounds like is old high gallifreyan bc she doesnt remember this language any more than tecteuns eyes#it's close-enough-sorta-dead-gallifreyan-???#so she switches to the closest shes got. which is just. lungbarrowian#tecteun trying to rewrite history and the doctor not-entirely-on-purpose re-establishing the one she has/knows/remembers#holding on to her actual history#which tecteun tries to rewrite/unwrite/dig out from under known history with this old old gallifreyan#anyway. more language thoughts of this evening
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ITS BEEN A FUCKING WEEK. PASS THE DETRITUS
#howling#had a lvl 1 trauma at abt 720#which sucks but we were managing fine#call er back at 750 as protocol to ask if theyve transfused and if theyll need more and to make sure they have a t&s ordered#secretary confirms that both units were transfused + they wont be needing more (lol) + a type and screen WAS drawn just not ordered yet#ok cool. all i have to do is wait for the specimen so i can crossmatch the units#im chilling in bloodbank doing bloodbank things#meanwhile. er calls the front desk (blood bank has a separate phone line. they specifically called the lab line instead)#lab assistant takes the call (like normal). theyre not sure what er said exactly but theyre planning to transfer the patient somewhere#and mentioned 'something like mpp???'#midnight tech was upfront and overheard. immediately asked if they meant MTP#lab assistant wasnt sure but said she had asked if er wanted to talk to blood bank (aka me) and they said no#both the assistant and the tech assumed that they DIDNT actually mean mtp because that would be fucking bonkers#if they casually mention it to a lab assistant and NOT FUCKING BLOOD BANK#and i didnt hear about this phone call until like maybe an hour or two later btw#anyways. yeah no they called an MTP#thats always fucking awful but they DID bring down the t&s partway thru#patient had no history and the only other specimens on file were drawn at the same time#so i order a confirmatory type to make things easier later on. it needs to be drawn by either the nursing team or by a lab assistant#screen is negative so at least we only need to do an immediate spin crossmatch on everything#we get all the units emergency issued + the platelets are ordered and issued normally after the t&s is done since it doesnt need a xmatch#er cancels the mtp. theyve transfused 6 out of the 8 units we sent them. two remaining units being sent to or#or is told directly that the mtp was canceled and that theyd need to call a new one if things escalate again#ok. things are calming down. its fine. i got all the xmatches done and theyre all compatible which is great#we get in a delivery from arc of platelets bringing us back up to 6 on the shelf (we need 5 on hand tomorrow morning for an open heart)#(at this point i find out about the phone call i mentioned earlier)#i get a call from or. my heart sinks immediately#or nurse says they need 2 rbcs and 2 platelets and theyre sending someone down RIGHT NOW to pick it up#we still hadnt gotten that confirmatory btw#im too stunned to say anything else so i just go ok. and hang up
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We are just now realizing that still being on the short list of kitten fosterers means that we're going to be having to handle weaning five 3-4 week old kittens that need to be fed every few hours while also having university four to six hours a day and honestly, that's not going to be very fun. We'd say "maybe we should have taken on less art challenges this year" but honestly we've been having a great time with the art challenges it's just the 4-6 hours of school that's been rapidly eroding our soul
#we speak#one of them is still feral enough to hiss at us and we've already been overlapping Older Kitten Socialization with our other junk#god. you don't realize how much free time you have until you lose it we guess. this is why we've been unemployed for the past 4 years#...outside of the disability we mean#god. how did we survive this the first time. every time we attend any educational institution we gain so much sympathy for kids and teens#imagine having to go through this shit for eight hours a day AND no one respects your autonomy so you can't even leave#AND a bunch of places have bullshit laws that makes it a legitimate crime for you to not be trapped in a tiny box like this#for eight hours a day#man. yknow sometimes we see kids online being dumb or uneducated or whatever and think that theyre cunts#but then we remember how much of a blatant human rights violation a lot of school is and we're like. man.#sure it would help if any of them actually looked shit up but honestly children are failed by the school system to a massive extent#and it's a miracle that we made it out of our own school experience with as much willingness to learn as we did#because it's genuinely fun to acquire new skills and knowledge and the current school system is set up in such a way#that it literally creates a pathological avoidance to the things and environments that are taught in it#like man we loved math as a kid and then school crushed that out of us with a burning passion#and now we flounder with budgeting. both because of the need to use every single piece of everything and not Waste things from upbringing#and because trying to sit down and actually legitimately budget things is irreversibly associated with math from school#which has of course contributed to our current poor money habits where if we spend money on anything it has to Last#and if it can't Last then it haunts us for the next fifteen years#children should be allowed more leeway online not only because they are still learning how existing Works#but because everyone and their dog is determined to make it impossible for them to pick what they want to do with their bodies and lives#honestly we think it contributes to this current puritanism thing. need permission to do anything. need an authority#these kids arent ever given the chance to be themselves without being told what to do. no wonder they flounder without an authority figure
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Christopher Nolan making movies: I'm gonna make a film that is so confusing and non-linear
#just watched memento :DDDDD#which i think would be his first bigger movie?#but it was so interesting bcs there were a lot of concepts in it that are so visible in his later films#like watching that after watching almost all of his most recent films was such an 'aha!' moment#lthe whole black&white vs in-color to delineate which part of the story we're in#in memento: black and white is the beginning of the story and then in-color is the rest of the story going backwards#and then he uses that concept again in oppenheimer but b&w is the current events and color is everything leading up to that and after#like yeah its really confusing first time around because you dont know that fully yet but then at the end its like OH!!!!!#and then both also have other stuff interspersed btwn those two sections that you only reallly understand by the end#and then with the plot going backwards. that was the same as tenet right?#like starting with the end of the story and them ending with the beginning of the story#i cant remember inception well enough atm but im sure it has traits of memento as well#his movies are like puzzles ig! like you really have to keep track of all the details and what takes place when#i think theyre really fun bcs more and more becomes clear to you#im not sure what the most confusing nolan movie is hmmmm probably tenet or inception right?#oppenheimer: much more clear in general since its following literal historical events but just in a non linear manner#the only real reason i found it a bit confusing is bcs i didnt know a lot of the characters and also was trying to figure out the timeline#and then interstellar is more just confusing in concept bcs it has to do with time in the 4th dimension and all that#but i think the story is pretty understandable its just hard to wrap your head around the different time/dimension concepts#then again....ive watched it probably more than 4 times by now! ITS ONE OF MY FAV MOVIES EVER#cant say much abt the batman movies bcs they have nolan concepts but arent really like his other stuff#haha someones said he did those movies so he could make absolute bank and then have a blank check to do whatever movies he wants#and someone also said that oppenheimer felt like memento and thats so so so true!!!#its cool that he can make the movies he wants. bcs as i said watching memento really outlines very well what concepts he likes#watching it was weird bcs im like oh yeah this is *so* christopher nolan and then realize this is literally only his second film#i need to rewatch inception and dunkirk and see if i can spot inspo from Memento in them#anyways: yay film!!! yay cinema!!!!!! movies are so fun!!!!!!#catie.rambling.txt
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