#the one good thing about me having compulsive checking behavior because of my ocd is i check peoples' DNI/sharing ok/not ok lists

[copepodkisser5000]

~

[chronicbeans]

Platonic Alastor x Maladaptive Daydreamer Reader

Hehe not me self-projecting again! Anyways, these are kinda based on my own experiences, but I'm trying to make them more generalized.

TW: Maladaptive daydreaming, escapism, dissociation, mentions of depression and anxiety, brief mentions of compulsive behavior/OCD, invasion of privacy, manipulation, peer pressure, yandere-ish behavior (I believe he defaults to those behaviors, no matter the type of relationship), mention of cannibalism (this is Alastor we're talking about...), Alastor is a shitty toxic friend in this

• He's absolutely fascinated by the way your mind works. Even before he knows what is going on, or begins to get close to you, he can tell you are an interesting person. The way you look so distant, like your mind is checked out and flying to far off places without you, is something he hasn't seen before. He wants to pick and prod at your brain to see what's going on.

• He doesn't want to do so the easy way, though. No. Instead, he wants to drag out this process for as long as possible, and make sure you twist and squirm all the while. He loves to make people uncomfortable, after all! That's his specialty, in his opinion, besides his radio show.

• He'll start off with introductions, of course, which is probably when he first got interested in you. That dreamy look isn't so easy to see from a distance, after all. The second he looked into your eyes while shaking your hand, though, it became obvious. How hadn't he seen it before? If he saw this look when he first entered, he would've talked to you first out of the crew at the Hazbin Hotel. Well, besides Charlie... But, that's just because she owns the place.

•The uncomfortable prodding starts in an instant. One of his first questions after getting your name is not "What made you want to come to the hotel?" or "What can you provide to help the hotel?" It's more like "How did you die?", "What are your major vices?", and "What sin have you committed to be brought to Hell?" He wants to test the waters. See what he can get away with without completely scaring you off. If you run away and avoid him, it'd be harder to learn what he wants, and make you uncomfortable while doing so.

• Regardless of whether or not you answer, you are probably a little put off from him. Not enough to completely avoid him, since you can see how some of those questions might help him help the hotel, but enough to be uncomfortable... Which, in his opinion, is perfect!

• He's great at hiding, so if you start noticing him mentioning things you thought were private, you really shouldn't be surprised. He can, quite literally, hide in the shadows at times. He quickly takes notes of your little habits, including ones you might be embarrassed about.

• He may watch you pacing around your room, mumbling to yourself as if you are playing pretend all alone. Or, maybe, he's hiding over your shoulder while you're writing down some elaborate storyline. Perhaps he's watching you in plain sight, seeing you make a bunch of odd facial expressions at seemingly nothing. He may not know why you do this, but he wants to. He would've suspected some sort of substance use, considering it's Hell. Lots of people do so. However, he's never seen you near anything that would cause such behavior. So, that's off his list, for now.

• So, step 2 of his plan begins! As his good ol' pals Husk and Niffty to try befriending you! Or, at the very least, get information from you that you aren't comfortable telling him. Then, have them report back to him with their findings. Of course, Husk seems agitated by the request, but obliges. Niffty seems more than happy to do as he asks, though. A happy worker is a good worker, so he has more hope in Niffty getting the big story than Husk.

• Surprisingly, though, he's proven wrong. The most Niffty got was your fashion sense, favorite types of stories, and that you are very "quiet". Yes, the fashion and types of stories were new to him... But what he seems important, the reason you act so oddly, isn't there. Husk, however, was able to get a lot more out of you, somehow.

• Husk mentions you talking to him, one night, after he saw you skipping oddly down the hall and pass the bar where he was cleaning the glasses before closing it for the night. You seemed extremely embarrassed to have been seen, mentioning that you thought he was asleep already. He then just, politely asked a few questions...? And got answers? How?

• Alastor immediately demands answers, only for Husk to reply "I don't know how to describe it like they did! Most I understood is that they daydream too much. Seems like it's a constant thing going on. They like to pace and prance while doing so, sometimes, but don't like getting caught."

• Now it begins to make more sense... the writing, the talks about stories with Niffty, the prancing and pacing... and most importantly, that dreamy, distant look you have. He can even see why you'd make odd expressions. You're reacting to your own thoughts... He doesn't understand it. He's never heard of anything like this before, especially during his time as a human, but he can tell one thing for certain: You must be his friend, now. Whether you like it or not.

• You are so different from everyone else he's met, you see, and he loves things that go against the norm. Now, while you may or may not be considered normal or not too different by others, you're different and abnormal to him. You somehow succeed in both being polite, smart, and funny to mess around with, while also barely being able to pay attention to the world around you. He's always thought that those two things were mutually exclusive. How can you learn when you can't stop being in your own head? How can someone be polite and not listen? The funny part, though... He can kind of see that. He finds surprising you be sneaking up behind you and tapping your shoulder funny every now and again. Nevertheless, you are going to be his friend.

• Soon enough, you notice his behavior changing, a bit. Less following you around, less vaguely threatening words, and more... quiet. It's eerie, coming from him. However, you also notice him trying to talk to you about stories and books he's heard and read. Even things he's heard during his human life, such as Creole folktales and other stories he's heard in New Orleans, Louisiana back in the 1920s-1930s. It's a bit like a completely different side to him you never expected to see, and never really wanted to, but you aren't really complaining. It's better than him deciding to terrorize you for fun and him asking invasive questions...

• A little more time passes and he decides to ask about small habits, disguising them as him just now noticing those habits, when he's probably noticed them while spying on you months prior. Nothing too extreme. Mostly just your expressions, how it seems like your attention is somewhere else... Nothing like your pacing, prancing, or acting. He wants to establish that he knows about these tiny little things, and now that you're more comfortable with him, you're much more likely to answer. That way, once he moves onto the bigger, more personal questions, you'll already have been eased into feeling comfortable with it.

• Eventually, you get to the point where you feel comfortable calling him a friend. He's already considered you one since that conversation with Husk, but it's a start. Now, he's gotten the lovely privilege of being able to know more about what's going on in that lovely little brain of yours... well, "little" brain is definitely an understatement. From how you describe your imagination, he'd be led to believe your mind must be as vast as the Library of Alexandria.

• Vast worlds, complicated plotlines, complex characters... you talk of odd tales you've created, all in your brain. Ones you've had in your mind for years, some you came up with on a whim, and others, still, that are still being developed. Stories that have been being created over the span of real life years, ones you started then dropped... All of which are being held in your head, with only a miniscule fraction of it being written onto paper. He's truly impressed, genuinely respecting your odd talent, as he sees it. You've perfected the craft of creativity, while he's perfected the art of talking to an audience. Even better, is that he got to learn whether or not his theory of you taking inspiration from stories you've heard was right. Which explains his sudden mentions of stories he's heard in life.

• Now... if only you'd let him tell some of your stories on his radio show! If you wouldn't like that, then he'd probably ask you to write something for his show. That way, it isn't as personal to you, and you wouldn't even need to be credited if you're embarrassed by it! He could just say a random listener sent it in, and he thought it'd be great to read, to show his appreciation for his adoring fans. The world simply must hear the greatness of your mind, dear, and he is not going to stop annoying politely asking you to write something until you do.

• Another thing he might try is to see if he can figure out why you partake in this little habit of yours. He's never heard of it, though he has asked some sinners and demons if they have. Be it Charlie, Angel Dust, some of the other overlords, or a friend of his we haven't seen or heard of, before. More modern sinners keep mentioning a thing called Maladaptive Daydreaming, describing it as a symptom of other mental health diagnoses... but that's the problem. That fits you, you've mentioned that you know of that and it fits you... but that's also just a symptom. Well, a few argue that it may be its own thing, but it is not an official diagnosis yet. So, for now, he wants to figure out why you do it.

• Is it depression? Anxiety? Do you really want to escape from something, and you're doing so by hopping into that little dream land of yours? Is it some sort of compulsion? You seem to not really be able to control it that well, after all, and others have mentioned links to OCD, as well as other disorders that can cause compulsions. Is it sheer, absolute, chronic boredom? Speak to him, dear! What is it? Do you even know? If not, he'll assume it's the boredom option... for now.

• He's obsessed with you, really. You're his friend, and he's very obsessive over them, in his own way. He is as far away from normal when it comes to showing real affection for others, which wouldn't be bad, if it weren't for the fact that a main part of it is him being absolutely suffocating when he's around. That, and he can be terrifying... He's the Radio Demon, after all! It's just worse for you than his other friends, though, because you are different. Being different is a really important thing for him, really, alongside being polite, smart, and funny. Not required, unlike the last three traits, but it makes you more likely to be his friend. You hit the lottery by achieving being all four, but it must be the worst lottery prize in the world.

• He holds the thought that you should just be friends with him. Now, you don't have to be... but, he'd prefer it. If you really want outside friends, sure! You just can't be friends with his other friends. He claims they'd "taint" you with how violent they can be. Plus, since he's friends with other cannibals, some of which do serve sinner and demon meat to others without telling them, he genuinely does worry about your safety and wellbeing if you met those specific friends of his. For your friends, he wants to meet them. He needs to in order to deem them worthy of being your friend, and to make sure it's not someone he knows and is friends with. You deserve perfection, and who knows perfection better than Alastor, yes? After all, he can see that you're perfect. That is more than enough evidence, dear.

• You're one of the few people who he doesn't mind having your attention not on him. Part of your charm, in his opinion, is your lack of attention. All he asks is that you tell him about a story of yours. What is going on in your head that's so important? Oh, a great war between this and that? A psychological horror? Cities beneath the sea? Tell him about it. He finds it fun! Especially if he can see any possible inspiration from events or other stories. He likes to hear your voice almost as much as he likes to hear his own, which you'll realize is more of a compliment than it might sound like, once you truly get to know him.

[gouraminnow]

One Piece / Straw hats with a Reader who struggles with ASI (Autistic Self Injury)

Warnings: Self harm, primarily

ASI is sometimes referred to as Non-Suicidal Self Injury, and it's typically not done deliberately the way "standard" SH is. It can be because of both under or over-stimulation, or sometimes it can just be a form of stimming that happens to be physically harmful. This isn't exclusive to autism, it's also common w/ compulsion based disorders such as OCD.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional of any sort I'm just a guy who has it. My experience is not universal and most of this will be based on how I experience and deal with these problems.

POST THAT CATERS TO ME BEFORE ANYBODY ELSE HERE WE GO!!!

In all honesty One Piece is so chock-full of quirky and frankly weird people that I don't think an autistic person would phase most characters all that much. Not saying ableism wouldn't exist at all, but like. Franky is here. I don't think most lower-support needs autistic people would even be noticed by anyone other than some of the doctor characters and I don't think high-support needs people would be treated badly (By the more... decent characters, anyway). I mean hell I will always go to bat for autistic Luffy hcs, as well as Robin and Usopp to a degree but ANYWAY!

Before everyone is used to it, the site of you doing it (while upset especially) has everyone scrambling to grab you and stop it from continuing. There is… a good chance this upsets you even more, having your new crewmates suddenly swarming you... it takes a bit of back and forth, explaining that this is just normal for you.

Luffy is the one I thought of first... I've always been a biter. Whether it's nails or biting open the skin on my hands it's one of the forms I personally struggle with a lot. Now I may think Luffy is autistic but this does NOT mean I think he'd immediately understand/get it. Obligatory "autism is a spectrum" spiel, a lot of us butt heads if we have conflicting symptoms/struggles. Luffy is sympathetic, and worried about you, but he's also very blunt and there's a good chance he'd argue with you over it. What are you upset about? Clearly something's wrong, if you're doing this. What do you mean you don't notice? You're bleeding. Doesn't it hurt? This is bad for you. He's worried, so just cut it out already!

You tell him it's just an impulse you don't think about, like wiping your nose or tapping your foot. It doesn't really hurt until someone points it out, or if you accidentally do something really bad. His brows screw up, and he stares at you very intently. He says if you can't stop, then he WILL help you the next time it happens. You're a little put off, and have the suspicion that he doesn't really get it, but... well, he clearly means well. It's nice that he worries about you, and that even while ignorant in some aspects of his concern, he doesn't belittle or blame you for these behaviors... ultimately, you feel pretty okay about how things went.

Until the next time he sees you doing it, he launches across the ship to shove his nasty, grubby-ass hands into your mouth. "It doesn't hurt me!" he exclaims, while you try to cuss him out and avoid gagging on his stupid, rubbery fingers. "You need to bite, so bite me! This way hurts nobody, shishishi!" You shriek, the two of you toppling over onto the deck. Sanji or Nami smack him over the head to get him off of you. It wasn't what you'd call helpful, but... if he's out on deck or in the room with you, there's a little self-check you run through to make sure nothing your doing will warrant... that. So maybe it does sort of work?

Luffy has a similar approach to other forms of ASI too. Skin picking and hair pulling? Hitting yourself? Yeah he's going koala mode(animal that clings. Not the character) and wrapping himself around you, restraining your limbs. Which unfortunately has a high chance of making the urge worse, if it's compulsion based...

Now, Chopper has heard of this, and read about it, but he hasn't actually seen it in person yet. The first time he sees you doing it, it's shortly after you've joined. He goes to meet with you- every new member gets a check-up just to make sure everything's in working order! He finds you in the aquarium bar, absentmindedly gazing at the fish... but when he calls to you, you turn, and reveal the bloody mess of your hand- nails chewed far past the quick. He freaks out, which probably freaks you out, which attracts the attention of the others, and...

Yeah. That could've gone better. It takes a bit for you two to calm down. There's a chance he might think this is a more standard form of self-harm, and feel guilty because you're so unhappy you'd do this to yourself... when he learns the actual reason, he... still feels pretty guilty for not noticing or considering the possibility sooner. But he's the one who briefs everyone else on the details, possibly even you if you don't know you're autistic or why you do these things. I don't think these types of diagnoses or the terminology surrounding them are well known in the OP universe, so there's a good chance you don't have clue what your own problem is. Either way, everybody knows now.

Chopper lays down the basics. There's the passive SH you don't even notice, reflexive the way scratching an itch or brushing away hair is. Then there's the kind that you do because you're upset or overwhelmed in some way. It's not so simple as just stopping. You need other outlets when you feel the urges start up. He works with you to try and practice healthier grounding and coping strategies, and the others fall in line.

Nami isn't great about it if she sees it before Chopper tells everybody what's up... means well, but scolding you or grabbing you directly does not help the urges go away. She means well, but she's used to the other knuckleheads and their more... deliberate brand of dipshittery. Much more patient once she's been told the details, whether from you or Chopper.

If Nami catches you picking at your skin, it's pretty common for her to hand you a tangerine to peel. It's similar enough to skin, she reasons, it might be a good alternative. And then you can eat it afterward instead of chewing on yourself. It's a two-in-one solution! Both of you fail to consider how easily citrus juice gets inside a hand-wound though... after the first incident, it's a solution for picking at any other body parts. You can hang out in the map room with her for a little bit of peace and quiet, as long as you don't distract her. She might explain some of her work to you if you're interested.

She'll smack around any of the others if they upset/overwhelm you, whether it's actually enough to start up the sh. Her yelling might not help, but it is nice to feel supported... she'll get you jewelry to fidget with instead, and take you clothes shopping for things that don't set off sensory issues(AND look flattering, of course). Her and Robin will paint your nails. The dried polish is another better peeling/picking alternative to skin and hair. Nami adds the prices of the jewelry and nail polish to the debt of whoever accidentally sets you off.

Robin is a little better about it. If you hit yourself, or bang your head against another surface, she'll use her power to summon hands that cushion your blows. If she sees the scratching, hair pulling, etc. she asks you about it- the question usually enough to ground you and realize it's happening, if you aren't already.

She's good at redirecting you. Has you come relax somewhere quieter with her if you're overwhelmed. Works with Nami in regards to the clothes and nail polish, but also has good chapstick recommendations, since chapped lips are a big problem for lots of people with dermatillomania.

A relaxing person to be around in general (unless you're offput by her morbid comments) and is good to talk to. You admit you feel a bit ridiculous having these issues on a crew chock-full of such accomplished individuals. Childish, even. She chuckles, asking how you can say that living on the same boat as Luffy, of all people? You're hardly the only person here with self-destructive habits and it's far from your only defining trait. And though for differing reasons, both her and Brook commiserate with you regarding the loneliness and feelings of isolation a lot of autistic people face. The struggle of not understanding or being understood in turn...

Insists on you joining her and Nami while they relax, on occasion. Makes Sanji dote on you too, if you aren't a woman and he isn't already.

Speaking of Sanji, he's also good at redirecting you. The kitchen is his domain, but if you're in a rut and it'll help keep your hands busy without overwhelming you, he'll give you something to do. Help chop, help peel, here the eggs are done boiling so be a dear and help with the ice bath, won't you? Won't let you chop onions or chilis even if you insist you'll be fine.

And if you're a chewer/biter, he always has some sort of snack to give you. Finds you chewing your knuckles and shoves some Hors d'Oeuvres at you. Takes care to figure out which textures you like vs. can't handle as well. If you're hitting yourself, he sticks some thick oven mitts on your hands. It's not... perfect, by any means, but it's better.

Zoro hears the way you talk about some of it. The feeling of some sort of tense, uncomfortable energy that fills you, and the desperate need to get it out. Tearing at yourself, hitting yourself, banging your head against something to try and alleviate the feeling. He... thinks he sort of gets it, actually. Not in the same way but he gets antsy and weird if he doesn't get to do something active for too long. Is it something like that..? Passively mentions that weight training might help. It's worth a shot, and you're free to come join him if you'd like to try. And you think it over. Maybe the straining of your muscles would provide a similar and healthier form of relief, while also achieving something productive at the same time... so you make your way up to the crow's nest one day, and he's happy to see you there, truly!

But... Zoro has come a long way since he first joined. He knows he's stronger than you, but misjudged just how big the gap was. He walks you through the proper postures and stances for lifting, only for you both to face a bit of a rude awakening...

You can't lift any of his weights... both of you feel a little awkward, to say the least. And you're a bit disheartened. He makes a plan to get a beginner's set for you, but Usopp and/or Franky probably beat him to the punch and build a training set.

Usopp and Franky work together. Or, well, more like they both get the idea to design fidgety little devices for you, and Usopp nervously tells Franky that they probably shouldn't double as armable explosives or mini missile launchers. There should probably be a clearer line drawn between something you absentmindedly fiddle with and a weapon of mass destruction. He nods earnestly. That's a good point, bro... Guess they'll just make em both separately! SUUUPERRRR!!!!!!

If you have hair pulling issues, Usopp suggests some sort of bandana to cover and pull your hair back like his, just as an added barrier between your hands and your scalp. On top of that, he insists on wrapping bandaids on your fingertips to make picking of all sorts much harder, and makes little finger-caps with Franky when the bandaids also interfere with more regular tasks. For hitting, with Chopper's advice, they make padded gloves, vests/coats to wear that help cushion the blows. They make more covert options too, like chest guards that can be worn under normal clothes. They run their drafts by you, making sure they're not uncomfortable to wear.

Franky's "SUUUPEERRRR!!" is just as likely to become a stim as it is to be overwhelming, honestly. He fashions some noise-canceling headphones for you. When Nami learns about these, she wants her own pair, too.

Brook is always ready to help sooth you with music, but sometimes the elegant notes of a violin can become a pitchy whine to you if you're already overstimulated. It just depends on the situation. It can get to him if he accidentally makes things worse for you, but he tries not to take it personally.

But it often does work. If he's not adding to a racket and things have quieted down, sometimes starting up a song will have your hands fall to your sides without you realizing you were hurting yourself in the first place. He's very giddy about it when he pulls this off but tries not to be obvious. Subtlety isn't exactly his thing, though.

He makes a joke from a place of concern- that if you keep tearing at yourself like this, you'll end up a skeleton just like him. If it bothers you, he'll never make a joke like it again. He isn't trying to be cruel, he just likes to deal with things by being silly. If you do like it, and he gets a laugh out of you, it becomes a running gag. "You know, they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. But as much as I would enjoy having another skeleton on board, this really isn't good for you..."

[lifeafterpsychiatry]

Just wanted to share something I've been struggling with and how I've managed to be more self compassionate. I've never been diagnosed with OCD by a doctor (thank you Canadian wait times), but my therapists have all noted that the way I experience anxiety is very similar to it. This is especially true when it comes to an obsession with one of my ex friends with benefits. It was messy and passionate and even though I ended it because I didn't want to get hurt, I think what I really wanted was for him to choose me (he didn't). In hindsight, he was an asshole, but that hasn't stopped me from being unhealthily obsessed with him for the past six years (which is unfortunately the length of my current relationship as well). Any time I am reminded of this man, I feel the compulsion to check his social media profiles, and have to resist the temptation to reach out to him. I unfriended him on everything and even deleted snapchat several years ago because I kept checking his location. I thought I had this under control but recently I went to a restaurant and he was my server. I felt like I was losing my mind. It makes me feel terrible the way he plagues my mind even though I am committed to my partner. However, I made a breakthrough in therapy recently where I realized that because this is so distressing to me, it kind of proves that cheating on my partner with my ex is NOT something I actually want to do in real life, and I am not necessarily a bad person just for thinking things, and that I actually haven't done anything wrong. I always have doubts about myself and my "goodness", but my actions speak louder than my thoughts.

Yeah this sounds very OCD, and no thought can make you a bad person on its own. We are defined by our actions, not by what happens inside our heads. Especially not since what goes on inside our heads isn't necessarily within our control the way our actual behavior usually is

[chaoortu]

made a reddit to interact on hs things more and can't comment but somebody made a post about hs critique so pls enjoy my two cents below until i can post on reddit LMAO

whoah where to start.

let's talk about the actual film/screenwriting/direction/color grading because that's what i like to nitpik post in every media.

- i wish alice would've had an experienced showrunner to collaborate with because the pacing for the episodes (especially in season 3) flip flop between dragging and rushing with only 1-2 being decently paced. i partially blame this on the couples sort of splitting off instead of being interwoven within the friend group (which would be fine in a "tv season", but HS only has 8 episodes per season and at 30 minutes each it's just a bit grating.) i rewatch the seasons consistently for writing purposes. if the season was 10-12 episodes each with episodes dedicated toward specific themes instead of each character or couple having their THING in one episode, the writing would be fine.

- i strongly feel if euros lyn directed season 3, it would've looked better and had better flow and pacing.

- the season 3 plot with tara and with imogen just didn't hit as well as it should have which sucked because i wish we could've had more engaging of a conversation about the pressures on young black women to be as successful as possible (especially in comparison to their white peers), and mental health in the black community-- maybe this is a different convo in the uk but in the us i know it's an ongoing conversation so it sucks that what could've been a great moment on screen just... failed? and then with imogen's comphet as well but tbf i think imogen as a character struggles because she was written for the screen. same for isaac., it's why they're weaker compared to the rest of the class.

- the color grading for season 3 was just. bad. partially because they were filming summer scenes in winter and i know the show doesn't cost much to produce and low-budget productions deserve their own flowers but why did everyone look so washed out in the first episode? i've been color correcting some of the scenes in my own software but like a simple filter over the camera could've fixed a lot of that and you can literally see how cold the actors are in those beach scenes.

- alice really needed to flesh out isaac and imogen before adding them into the show. neither of them feel as rounded as the rest of the main cast and i feel like their plot points (isaac and his asexuality, imogen and her comphet) fall flat because we're not given enough reason to care about these characters the same way we learn to care for tao and elle and tara and darcy. we don't see enough of their inner world and i feel like it was such a disservice to season 3 because those plots would have been good if those characters were developed just a bit more.

onto plot, storytelling, and the webcomic vs the show:

- as someone with an ed, charlie's experiences with the disorder just didn't hit for me. i think it's good that we got some male ed rep on screen but at the same time-- i feel like alice was fighting not to glamorize the disorder or shift the show into a darker place so some things just fell flat. i am of the opinion that charlie should've been meaner and he and his friends should've had more conflict about it. ed's suck for everyone involved no matter how supportive your friend group is. although his ed is more tied up within his ocd, which is a common comorbidity, i feel like the ed thing also overshadowed his ocd, which is kind of a shame bc we don't really have good ocd rep to begin with either. i would've liked to see compulsive behaviors beyond his eating disorder like idk. checking the locks before he goes to bed, flicking the light switch, ensuring he closes the door before he leaves the house or even like rumination or thought cleansing? idk.

- while i believe the fandom centers nick in season 3 due to kit connor's "glow-up" (can't find a better way to say this), i feel like the show in of itself does a poor job at showing how hard it is to be a support system for someone experiencing intense mental health issues. i've been on both sides of that court and nick is on paper the perfect partner, and even though we see him struggling when charlie's gone, both in the show and in the webcomic we never actually see things from his perspective besides the dear diary episode. it's not charlie's fault for being as ill as he is, but it's really hard to see nick literally bend over backward doing everything he can to make sure his boyfriend literally doesn't die and the only support nick gets on screen seems to come from tara and tao primarily. if nick's aunt is aware of the situation, and she's a psychologist or psychiatrist, don't you think she'd push nick to also start therapy while charlie is in treatment at least? "this is a lot for a 16 year old" but the only people helping the 16 tear old are other 16 year olds. for a show that toes the line of realism and realistic- fantasy, you'd think we could at least get a counselor or a solid conversation with mr. ajayi who has also seen charlie at one of his worsts.

- class. god. the show never ever talks about class and it drives me nuts. they make jabs about the fact that harry is rich fairly often but the rest of them are middle/upper-middle class based on their houses, brands they wear, etc. heartstopper gets to be as twee and fluffy as it likes because basically everyone in the main cast except maybe darcy is middle class or higher and i feel like that never gets addressed. none of them would have the opportunities they have if they weren't in a higher tax bracket and i feel like this also adds to the realistic fantasy that is heartstopper's take on a queer teenage coming of age story.

- both in the show and in the webcomic, i feel like we don't actually know who nick is and i understand that the narrative pov is from charlie's perspective, but in the show i feel like we could've gotten more about who nick was before he and charlie met. could otis and sai not badger him about something he did in the years prior? could they not comment that nick is friendlier now, more himself now that he's out and maybe nothing like that passive guy he was before? david and nick would've been in school together for at least a year-- how come nobody ever brings up david? was nick compared to david in school? it could've been an interesting point if one of the teacher's made an off hand comment about that or something. in that way, nick sort of loses his three-dimensionality especially by season 3 except for in these pockets of scenes where we see glimpses of his stress/ people pleasing tendencies. he's one of the main characters and yet i feel like i know nothing about him which sure, for a character who is discovering himself makes sense but still. we know so much more about charlie's innerworld than we do nick's.

- i dub the show in my academic papers as a "queer-normative realistic-fantasy" because i feel like there's no antagonist once ben leaves the picture. charlie's mental health, the looming anxiety of uni, sure, but that's par for the course in teen dramas. obviously being queer isn't somebody's whole identity but i definitely went through a huge baby gay phase when i first came out where everything was rainbows and girls-kissing for several months, it would've been nice to see a bit more conflict around queer identity from the boys-- especially since their friend group is so diverse you'd think there'd be more constructive conversations or even just like. jokes? maybe this has to do with the shows ratings but even in my own friend group, we're ribbing each other "useless lesbian" "malicious twink behavior" that sort of goofy thing you can joke about when your friendgroup is full of queer people and allies. idk. i feel like we get these STRONG doses where our characters are confronted with the reality of how queer people are treated in our world but then the conflict kind of goes nowhere or doesn't get resolved in a way that makes sense to me. elle's thing with the radio host was so important and i think someone else mentioned that while they understood why elle wanted to keep it between her family and tao, it would've been really nice to see her friend group rally around her.

FINAL CRITIQUES:

Screenwriting is a different skill compared to comics writing and novel writing-- I say that as someone who writes screenplays and novels for fun. They're different skills, different muscles to flex and I feel like Alice is a stronger comic writer and novelist than they are a screenwriter and that shows in the pacing of the show and the narrative bumps across the seasons that have lead to a decline in viewership (although statistically, later seasons almost never do as well as a first season and netflix will shoot a show in the foot before it can take off by taking forever on contracts but that's honestly all streaming services atp. the film industry is a mess right now.)

As I wrote this, I realized one of the pitfalls of season three is that there isn't a stable antagonist to root against. We had Ben and Harry, Darcy's mum, Charlie's mum, Stephane and David, but season 3 it's kind of like... mental illness + uni stress and the woes of coming into young adulthood when you're a queer teen. I think we needed something more external to bump up the conflict.

[purelyobsessional]

How to Understand the OCD Thought Process

People with obsessive-compulsive disorder have intrusive thoughts (or images) that bother them, leading to a cycle of behaviors.

The cycle of OCD begins with a trigger, which eventually lead to negative thoughts, compulsive actions, and avoidance.

1. Triggers: These are the events or stimuli that set you off. It could be touching something (contamination), leaving the house (something is unlocked, the gas is on), driving at night (I ran over something), thinking of sex (God will punish me, I will lose control).

2. Odd thoughts or images: You have some thoughts or sensations that you don’t like. “Why am I having those bizarre, sick, disgusting, unwanted thoughts?”

3. Negative evaluation of thoughts: You think there is something wrong with your thinking – as if you should  have only pure and good thoughts and feelings. You have a lot of “shoulds” about the way you should think and feel. You think that now that you have the thought, you have a responsibility to get reassurance, get control, or get rid of it. Having the thought is equivalent to being SENT ON A MISSION. You have become THE THOUGHT POLICE.

4. Self-monitoring: You watch yourself like a hawk, looking for those thoughts. Of course, simply because you have to think about what you are looking for (“I am looking for that disgusting and dangerous thought”), you always have to find it. It’s like holding up a mirror to yourself and saying, “I am looking for a mirror. OH MY GOD! THERE IT IS!!!!”

5. Demand for certainty: You think you should know for sure whether you will act out, lose control, or are contaminated. Nothing short of perfection and certainty will suffice.

6. Thought-action fusion: You equate having a thought with committing an action. “If I think I will get violent, I will.” Or, a thought is the same thing as reality. “If I think I have cancer, then I must be a dead man.” Thoughts, actions and reality are all one – all in your mind.

7. Thought-suppression: Your first line of “defense” is to try to stop having these thoughts. You tell yourself, “Don’t think that.” It works … for three minutes. But your failure to permanently suppress these thoughts leads you to believe…

8. “I’ve lost control”: You now equate control in your life to eliminating unwanted thoughts. Now you feel more out of control as you desperately try to control your thoughts more and more. It’s like slapping the water and drowning.

9. Compulsions: You now perform some neutralizing ritual. Perhaps you wash your hands excessively, pray, repeat “No,” walk a certain way, wash a certain way, arrange things, go back and check, check again…. You find yourself frenetically doing these things until you have a…

10. Felt sense of completion: You say, “I can stop now because I feel I have done enough.” This felt sense of completion now becomes your new rulebook for rituals. “I need to do them until I feel I did enough.” You are hooked on your rituals.

11. Avoidance of triggers. You remind yourself, I wouldn’t have any of these thoughts if I simply avoided the triggers. So you avoid touching things, avoid public restrooms, avoid shaking hands, avoid movies with Satan, avoid people that make you have feelings that are bad, and disgusting feelings. Avoid, avoid and avoid. You are running away from the world.

Excerpted from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/anxiety-files/200906/how-do-obsessive-compulsive-people-think

[whackacole3]

Hanzo and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

I was joking with a friend about making the Overwatch characters have personality disorders, I realized that Hanzo very closely resembles someone with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (also called anankastic personality disorder).

Now I will say, I myself have some personality disorders so I have the need to project onto him. This might lead me to project certain traits onto Hanzo as I analyze his character, so keep that in mind please.

On another note, if you disagree please just scroll past and don’t argue. I’m not saying this is canon or even implied, it’s just a headcanon and a silly little analysis that I wanted to do because I was bored.

Note: OCPD and OCD are not the same thing despite the similar names. Please do your own research if you want to learn more about the differences as I want to focus this on character analysis.

Let’s get into it!

Many may be shocked to know that OCPD is the most common personality disorder (not BPD like many may think). [source] So it is very likely that Hanzo could be one of these.

To receive a diagnosis of OCPD, an individual must reach four out of the eight specific criteria. Not the full set, only partially. It is important to notice that everyone’s experience with OCPF will be different because of the many combinations that exist within the criteria.

I will be using the direct diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. Though Hanzo is Japanese and would use the ICD-11c I’m just not as familiar with that.

Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost.

To maintain a sense of control, people with OCPD focus on rules, minute details, procedures, schedules, and lists. As a result, the main point of a project or activity is lost, as the criteria says. People with OCPD repeatedly check for mistakes and pay extraordinary attention to detail. They do not make good use of their time, often leaving the most important tasks until the end. Their preoccupation with the details and making sure everything is perfect can endlessly delay completion. They are unaware of how their behavior affects their coworkers. When focused on one task, these patients may neglect all other aspects of their life. [source]

Now while I personally believe Hanzo does this, from my understanding there’s no exact canon proof of him being preoccupied with these things. It could be assumed he does with all the later criteria he has that he is probably this way, but we don’t know for sure. No points. 0/8

Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion

Nothing else matters except for being perfect. Things may never be completed because the need for it to be the best it possibly can be. Only the highest of standards for themselves. They have nothing in the tank to take care of yourself or attend to your hobbies or interests. [source]

Now while this can be explained from Hanzo being the eldest son and the pressure put on him by his father, that doesn’t negate the fact he does this. We know from dialogue with other characters he holds himself to a very high standard. So, that’s a point for him. 1/8

Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships

People with OCPD may have difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships due to their perfectionist tendencies and devotion to work. They may have unrealistic expectations of themselves and others, which can lead to conflict and disappointment. [source]

This is pretty much the same as the last one. He isn’t tied to any organization and really has no friends or close ties to anyone. While there might be other explanations for this, I think it’s plausible he might not want to set himself up for disappointment. I’ll give a half point here. 1.5/8

Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values

People with OCPD think actions and beliefs are either completely right or completely wrong. They often feel they are always right. It’s as if nothing will change their minds. [source]

Hanzo believes he is unforgivable and unworthy of anything. While this might be a more morbid belief that what is typically for OCPD, it still constitutes as one and would apply here. So sadly, he gets a point. 2.5/8

Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value.

Hoarding is a very common symptom in OCPD because of the fear of losing something.

While I headcanon this: we have no canon proof of it. No point. 2.5/8

Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things.

People with OCPD want to do things on their own without any help for fear of someone messing up their work. They typically deeply consumed in dysfunctional beliefs and genuinely see their way of functioning as the only "correct" way, where the world needs to conform to their own strict standards. [source]

This is very much Hanzo. He works by himself, a lone wolf, never with anyone else. While we don’t know if it’s exactly for the reason stated above, i would say it’s a plausible situation enough to give him a full point. 3.5/8

Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes.

This one is pretty self explanatory .

Hanzo doesn’t have this, he gave away all his fortune. So, no point. 3.5/8

Shows rigidity and stubbornness.

People with OCPD are often described as “stuck in their ways” and “unwilling to change”. Such rigidity often manifests in a sense of hypermorality.

Hanzo is most definitely stubborn in every way possible. He doesn’t want to do anything except for his way. While he doesn’t have hypermorality, he is definitely ridged in his ways. Point. 4.5/8

And there we have it. Four and a half longs. If he was real, Hanzo could very much qualify for an OCPD diagnosis. There’s a lot of possible “stretching” and projecting; but in my eyes he had OCPD.

Now, again, this whole analysis is all for fun, shits and giggles if you will, so if you disagree that’s completely okay! Just don’t be mean about it, it’s just a headcanon/personal belief.

[hismercytomyjustice]

Definitely DID NOT just finish editing this week's chapter.

That would be crazy. You're crazy.

...but I am very happy with it, and very curious what folks will think...

And also extremely sorry. ╭( ๐_๐)╮

As I believe I said before, I have good news and bad news.

Good news, I fixed the problem I was having with Cazador.

Bad news, I fixed the problem I was having with Cazador.

He came across as too...nice (?) in the first draft. No, maybe permissive is a better word?

...I certainly don't think he does anymore!

Blah blah more OCD shit under the cut.

This chapter literally sent me into a 2 month long spiral that ultimately made me realize how much my OCD fucks with my writing, fanfic and otherwise. Which is why I bring up my OCD so much in relation to this fic.

Only took me ten fucking years to realize it! (ᇂ_ᇂ |||) But hey, we got there eventually!

I felt so fucking stupid/embarrassed venting to my therapist about my struggles with voluntarily writing fanfic. It's the same way I felt venting to her about the agonies I initially experienced when I decided to start taking piano lessons. It's not life or death! I didn't have to do either of those things! And yet I was so fucking upset about both. And wouldn't ya know it, turns out both were like catnip for my OCD!

I won't even begin to pretend I don't still have issues with my OCD and my writing. One of my super fun writing related obsessions lately is the deep seated fear I've gone into a fugue state and accidentally plagiarized other fics I've read. This was particularly bad with my latest Night Vale fic and my Hazbin Part 3 fic.

So, what's a person with OCD to do? Reassurance seeking and checking, of course! As I explained to my BFF the other day:

So obviously I spent hours googling Night Vale fanons and skimming/searching through Night Vale and Hazbin fics and other fics I'd previously read to make sure I hadn't accidentally copied someone else!

FUN FACT! I've read over 100 Hazbin fanfics alone! FUN FACT, IT IS PROBABLY (thanks for the qualifier, OCD) LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CHECK ALL OF THEM.

AND I AM ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! That is MAJOR NO NO OCD behavior. It is a lapse. It is choosing to engage in a compulsion. Because, as they so succinctly put it at the OCD Conference I attended, a compulsion is a choice. The whole point of treatment for OCD is to quiet your obsessions and to learn how NOT to engage in your compulsions. OCD doesn't go away (unfortunately), but it can go into remission. Digging into a lapse/engaging in a compulsion ultimately pushes you closer to a relapse and further from remission.

But try telling that to yourself in the moment! Because my OCD thinks it is imperative to engage in the compulsion. Because otherwise I have to sit with the doubt/uncertainty/fear and try not to let it fester. It is so much easier in the short term to spend hours on checking and reassurance seeking. And, even worse, it makes you feel a little better in the moment!

But, as my friend so aptly said in the screenshot above, "something tells me you would just replace the thing you silenced with something new….."

Abso-fucking-lutely I would! And I did! I checked the fanons and fanfics I was most worried about, but I didn't check all of them! Even if I had, what if I thought I had and I missed one, the one that I actually may have accidentally copied? Or what if AO3's reading history isn't perfect and I checked everything and it left one off, the one that I actually may have accidentally copied?

To engage in a compulsion is to become the OCD equivalent of Sisyphus. Did you get the boulder to the top of the hill? Congratulations! Oops, looks like it rolled back down again... But this time it'll stay at the top of the hill for sure!

Right??? Right???

I did ultimately realize I was in an OCD spiral and made myself stop checking. Do I still want to? Absolutely I do! I want nothing more than to go through everything I've ever read with a fine tooth comb because otherwise I have to live with the doubt/fear/uncertainty. I have to accept I may have unintentionally been influenced by someone's work I read and loved, which would absolutely fucking devastate me because I would never do that kind of thing on purpose. It's against everything I believe in. It's cruel and it's wrong and oh god what if I did it accidentally and I'm cruel and wrong and a horrible fucking person?! This is it! This is when me and everyone else finally finds out I'm a horrible fucking person who can't write and whose only good ideas actually came from someone else!

My therapist would say something at this point like "But what if you didn't do that? What if you actually did come up with your ideas all on your own?" Or "It's possible. Anything is possible. That doesn't mean it's likely." Or "Even if you did, it's obviously not something you'd do on purpose."

Meanwhile my OCD brain is just like "We have to come up with contingencies for if you accidentally did do it and how you'll respond and fix it." And "It's just a matter of time before someone else finds what you missed when checking. What are you going to do then?" And "If it did happen, you'll have to give up writing forever and destroy your tumblr and forever hide from the justified mob consisting of the entire internet who will rightfully hunt you to the ends of the earth."

So, yeah. Needless to say, I STILL DESPERATELY WANT TO GO BACK TO CHECKING AND REASSURANCE SEEKING. But I'm going to try not to. And thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow because this shit has been living rent free in my head (in the bad way) for literal weeks now.

I keep trying to remind myself I can either continue compulsing or I can just keep fucking writing and hope for the best.

And yeah, my therapist did mention last session that I should probably ask my doctor about upping my antidepressants. Why do you ask?

Fuck it is mortifying to write all this shit out. And, ngl, my OCD is just like "Well, at least you have timestamped proof you didn't plagiarize anyone on purpose! But, y'know, no one will believe you anyway when they ultimately find the evidence you couldn't and confront you and run you out of internet town!"

...so yeah, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for later this week to talk about upping my antidepressants... Because goodness gracious. It's not just about this. I'm still struggling with burnout (and maybe a resurgence of depression) and OCD in other areas of my life. It just so happens this latest spiral has been taking up a lot of real estate in my head lately.

[belong2human-kind]

Hey guys! Clara, echoflower, here! :')

This going to be a really long post and it contains my view of my disorder OCD and it can be triggering to some, so I already apologize for the length and also for possible triggers :(

I've been offline from tumblr because there's too many things happening in my life, and although I'm not really depressed again, I don't think I can engage in the things I love the most on here, which is my fandoms like Rebels, SW, deltarune, undertale, Avatar and so many more you know? As much as I want to be active here because these things bring me so much joy, I don't think I have the energy to do it for now :(

I know I've mentioned quite sometimes here, but I have OCD and GAD since my whole life, and many of my behaviors are still influenced by them because although I'm in treatment and I do see many positive results, I only discovered OCD too late in life, in my 19s during covid when I almost got through a psychotic episode. OCD makes you question reality in such a sick way that, if you don't have support and don't have the diagnosis, you can experience a disconnection from reality since you question your whole self and the world around you. It's much more deep than just checking the doorknob 3 times to make sure it's locked, because it is never only 3 times. Maybe 4, maybe 6, maybe 7 or you skip to 12, but never really only 3. You engage in compulsions and you know that they do not make any sense, you see the door locked in front of you, but it's like a feeling. It doesn't feel like it's locked. And these types of questioning can suddenly change to other topics because this is one of OCD specialties, right? To infiltrate in everything you know and believe and twist that against you, making you doubt yourself and your reality around, making you feel confused and guilty. I have pretty bad themes on my ocd like "What if I hurt someone I love while I'm holding a knife or scissor??" And I have this one, followed by horrifying intrusive realistic thoughts that show me performing the action I despise the most, and to avoid the thought or relieve the stress of it, I need to do something. Sometimes, screaming "no, I won't do it" out loud, sometimes avoidance. I stopped using any really pointed and sharp scissors and knives at age of 7 to 8 years. And the thing about engaging in compulsions is that, it helps, momentarily, but it gets worst as time passes by. And the thoughts can turn into more monstrous things, like "Imagine if you kissed your parent romantically??" "Oh this person that passed through me was good looking... Did I just cheat on my boyfriend? I think I did..." and other what ifs and pathological doubts that never ends and can apply to anything, specially the things you care the most about. If you value honesty, then OCD makes you feel a liar. If you're certain you are someone good, ocd doubts that until you question your own actions, all of them, even the smallest ones like touching your nose. If you are afraid of being sick or catching microorganisms (thankfully I don't have this type because I could probably never engage in biology and microbiology, my passions) you become hyper aware of any normal thing in your body, they become signals of something that isn't there, but you can't believe it because it feels like it is. It's like experiencing your worst nightmares repeating on an endless spiral in your mind, daily.

And as time passes with you being in the dark and not understanding why you do this although you know it's illogical and you don't really want to do, the more you spend your life without the knowledge that you have this disorder and consequently without the properly treatment, the more time it takes to heal all the damage. And sadly, I'm 21 now. I've been just "weird Clara with weird superstitions and rituals" for 19 years but I've been "Clara, who has OCD diagnosed and treated" for almost 3 years now. The process is slow, it's full of ups and downs, and I had very meaningful losses in my life during the pandemic years, which impacted negatively on my healing :(

I lost my dad, my dog and the other closest person in my house (which I already mentioned in private to some but won't say publicly because of my mystical OCD and the belief that if I mention her name I'll deem her bc of my fault) is fighting cancer rn, metastic one, and her treatment is having ups and downs that makes me feel so so bad... some days I'm just hopless, you know?

I was recently also confirmed to my old suspecting of ADHD. I had it all my life, but my OCD and generalized anxiety made it difficult to notice. Now that they are much more controlled, adhd is so so loud and I was in the dark, not knowing why I was so lazy, why I would forget to drink and eat, forget to go to the bathroom and take baths, brush my teeth, forget to feed my so beloved pets... now I know, but some relatives like aunts and uncles still don't have the patience to deal with it. I'm trying to get better, but because of OCD and GAD, I cannot treat ADHD, since they are opposite medications 🥲 so I guess I'll just have to find ways to compensate my chronically lateness, lack of time understanding and lack of energy to exist someday too, to simply get out of bed even though you want to do so many things.

Anyways, this post is already super long, but I just want to update you all and thank for all the amazing friends I've got here, and all the prayers and support as well. I used to be (still am a little) super shy to post my things, but the Rebels fan community received me so lovingly that I got confident to post my arts 🥺 I really adore you all guys 🌻

I intend to be back as soon as possible, I just really need to get my life together, that by now is a chaos 🥲 but I'm sure I'll be around when Ahsoka goes on air bc my hyperfixation on Bine and Ezra will be back!! Lol 🥲

I hope you all are doing great! Miss you all guys 🌻

[carolinanadeau]

Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).  

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??  

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability".  And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

[sugar-and-spite]

thank you so much for your response!! hearing from someone with both is really helpful for me!

what made me start thinking about it recently was some conflict with my siblings over the front door. i want it to be locked overnight; they like to go out on late walks, and as we all have adhd, they forget to bring their keys. i've locked them out and had to go open the door for them more than once now. i started thinking about why i wanted the door locked so badly. we live in a safe neighborhood, and we've generally left it unlocked most of the time for years and nothing bad has happened. but when it comes to it being locked overnight, i get incredibly anxious if i don't know it's locked (and i've lost sleep over it), and most nights i'll check it upwards of five times a night to make sure it's really locked.

that got me thinking about other things i do in sort of the same vein. i refuse to wash dirty dishes, for example, and if i even so much as open the dishwasher while it's dirty, i feel compelled to immediately wash my hands - and if they don't "feel" clean after, i'll wash them over and over in progressively warmer water until they do. sometimes i'll wash my entire forearms or, in extreme cases, take a shower and change into entirely clean clothes in the middle of the day, if i feel like i'm dirty.

i didn't know until recently that intrusive thoughts were also part of ocd, but i've had those much longer than any of these other symptoms - my intense worries about horrible things happening to me or people around me and my self-soothing routines in response to those worries were always categorized by my psychiatrists as part of my GAD, when i was younger.

i do also think, like you said, that a lot of the compulsive behaviors i experience have gotten worse in response to my adhd - i didn't really start obsessively checking the door until a few months ago, and the hand washing and other things have only been happening for a few years. i've definitely had these intrusive thoughts all my life, though, i just had no idea until literally this week that intrusive thoughts are one of the hallmarks of OCD.

and i guess the reasons i'm doubtful are twofold - first, that my symptoms didn't start getting worse until very recently, and secondly, that i always thought my compulsions weren't "bad enough" to be OCD, i guess? like, sure, i'm washing my hands maybe three or four or five times in a row after touching a dirty dish, and sometimes with water so hot that it burns me, but people with real OCD would be washing their hands like, a hundred times a day, right? (i do know that people with more "mild" OCD exist - i'm just struggling to convince my brain that i could be one of them 😹)

in the end, i think that whether these symptoms are from OCD or not, they're causing disruption in my life, so i'm working on getting in with a psychiatrist to talk about them and get diagnosed for whatever this is. but it is really good to know that it can be comorbid with ADHD! my mom seemed to doubt that i could have OCD when i brought it up because my ADHD makes me forgetful and disorganized, as ADHD tends to do - she pointed out that my room is a mess and it doesn't bother me. but i also don't know if she really knows that OCD isn't necessarily about a need for organization or tidiness.

i've been considering recently that i might have ocd, but i'm like. not sure it's even possible to have both ocd and adhd? i've tried doing a bit of research on it but i can't find anything definitive - just that they have almost exact opposite patterns of brain activity. like, there's definitely something going on with me but i definitely, absolutely have adhd, so if it's not possible to have that and ocd then this must not be ocd??? idk

[smoov-criminal]

Hey, I just found your blog and saw your post about OCD. I was wondering if you could talk some more about it 'cause I went through it when I was little, untreated and with no support, and I rarely do see anyone talk about what OCD is like internally. Those intrusive thoughts do come back every once in a while and scare the crap out of me. Thank you

hi! sorry i didnt answer sooner i literally never check my inbox lmao.

im definitely not the most educated person on OCD on tumblr, but im happy to share some things ive learned/thought about since my diagnosis.

1. i learned that my mom has OCD around the same time i did, which makes a lot of sense. i seem to have been the only one in my immediate family who knew she'd been dealing with severe anxiety for years, but whatever lmao. i think a large part of my OCD obsessions stem from my mom's. she wasn't aware that her feelings were abnormal, so i guess im not mad at her for that, but i picked up on a lot of it as a kid and have the anxiety i do as an adult. i think this is unfortunately a very common experience: growing up with mentally ill parents who eventually give u the same mental illness thru a combination of genetics and abuse/neglect/bad parenting/parents needing therapy.

2. mental compulsions need to be talked about more. i suspect the reason my OCD went undiagnosed for so long is because my compulsions are almost entirely mental, so no one, including myself, knew what to look for. mental compulsions include: saying/repeating words or phrases, counting words, letters, numbers, or objects, making lists, ruminating on past and potential future situations with "what ifs", trying to figure out the meaning of internal experiences like thoughts and feelings, trying to figure out the meaning of life, and even replacing an obsession with a different image/word. sorry for the long list, but i listed all of these bc i do a whole lot of them, but didnt realize theyre compulsive behaviors until recently. how are people supposed to heal when they dont even know what symptoms they have?

3. if u have intrusive thoughts, particularly ones related to bigotry and pedophilia, i want u to know that u arent those things. your thoughts dont make u a bad person, there is no morality associated with your thoughts. your actions are what determine how good of a person you are.

thats about all i can think of atm, but if you or anyone else has any specific questions feel free to ask!!

[a-concert-just-for-me]

As a serial OCD headcanoner, I think Hunter Theowlhouse should have OCD. Come on, Dana, give him one more mental illness :)

Elaboration of what I think his intrusive thoughts/compulsions could be under the cut

Intrusive thoughts about his own identity vs. Caleb’s vs. not being real at all

Is this my thought, or his?

Do I like this thing because he liked it?

Am I my own person?

Am I even a person, or just a tool?

Compulsions could include reassurance seeking (asking everyone constantly if he is real/unique/in control), and researching (scouring through books about the Wittebane brothers for clues on Caleb’s personality/searching for answers about grimwalkers)

Intrusive thoughts about morals

Being chronically unsure of what’s right and wrong due to Belo’s skewed morality lessons

Freaking out over the most mundane mistakes

Always feeling like he is the worst person in the world

Constantly comparing his behavior to Belos’

Intrusive thoughts of violence

Compulsions could include reassurance seeking (asking everyone their opinion on him. Needing to be told he is good. That he’s NOT like Belos), constantly reviewing his behavior/conversations in his head (mental compulsion to make sure he hasn’t done anything bad recently), and researching laws and rules (to see if he has broken any).

Magical thinking and compulsions related to physical safety of others

Always checking the locks on the doors (magical thinking: if anyone breaks in due to his negligence, everyone WILL get hurt and it WILL be his fault)

Same compulsion as above, but with documenting exit routes and cataloguing dangers in their environment

Checking in with loved ones all the time (magical thinking: if he doesn’t, they will get hurt or die)

Wishing people safe travels/praying for them before they leave (magical thinking: if he doesn’t, they will get hurt or die)

Post “Thanks to Them” intrusive thoughts/compulsions

Contamination obsessions around anything slimy or goopy (What if Belos is in it? What if he takes over again?)

Compulsions could include excessive hand-washing and/or extreme avoidance of anything with a Belos goop-like texture

Major anxiety about Belos possessing him

Compulsions could include checking and reassurance seeking (Am I me right now? Am I being possessed? Are my eyes blue? Do I have antlers?) and testing (I will test myself by thinking about killing Flapjack. If I’m distressed, I’m me. If I’m not, I’m Belos.

A/N: This compulsion would cause him so much more distress. If he eventually becomes desensitized to the memory of killing Flapjack, he will spiral. He will start to think wow, maybe I am really Belos because his death doesn’t shock me anymore. Cue endless anxiety spiral and new “testing” compulsions.

Feel free to tell me more ideas and I will add them to the list :)

[adhbabey]

Y'all its 3:33 in the morning and I gotta say like,

My ocd really fucking me up and it has been for a long time. Like, little things like checking notifications or like, compulsively liking posts, and like addictively getting attached to drama online and thinking it's my business when it's not.

That's the way it happens. I see a post talking about how if you do this thing, you're bad, and I latch onto it. I think, oh no, I have to prove I'm not bad. So I run my mouth, I ramble. I say, "hey, so..." yadda yadda. I am afraid of what other people might say, what others might think of me.

I ruin and self sabotage and hurt myself when I listen to the little voice in my head that says I need to make sure that I'm not a bad guy. That I'm good. That I am not evil. But I'm just encouraging my disorder, I'm just causing myself harm.

And it affects me bad, I dissociate or just feel fucking nauseous. It makes me feel like shit when I listen to those who say that I might be evil, bad, racist, ableist, homophobic, etc. That I'm wrong for minding my own business, that I'm wrong if I disagree.

One of the worst intrusive thoughts/obsessions/compulsions I face is race ocd, where I get racist thoughts or think I might be racist if I do one little thing that is wrong. But in reality, it's disordered thoughts, I love my partner, I love my friends, I don't wish them harm despite my intrusive thoughts. And often times it stops me from learning a new language, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. わたし　わ　ゆき　です！ I'm not very good yet, and I need to brush up on my katakana, and I don't even know if I wrote that right. But it's something I'm passionate about, despite my disorder telling me that I am wrong and evil and fucked up for learning.

In a world of pressure and purity culture and this mentality that has no room for mistakes, it can straight up destroy you. It's just wrong. This type of thing doesn't hold room for compassion and forces us into apathetic states of mind. In self hating and self destructive behaviors.

So, for this disability pride month, this summer, this year, and years moving forward, be kind to yourself. No more obsessively fixating on negative drama or news, or anything that someone says you must look at or listen to.

If you start to dissociate or get the feeling you want to scream and plug your ears, just stop looking at it and block them, unfollow them, close the app, don't look at it. No matter what they say, you're not horrible.

I don't paint myself as an almighty or a lawful good or morally pure person because sometimes I just want to kill people, I want to punch, I want to bite, I want to not care, I want to tell people to fuck off. But that still doesn't make me evil. It doesn't. I'm not as bad as that little voice that says so.

So free yourself. Goodbye little thought, you can't control me, you don't own me, I don't owe you anything. I know that's easier said than done. But no more apologizing for existing. This is what disabled pride is about. No more apologizing or making yourself small or pretending to agree when you don't. Fuck compulsions, fuck intrusive thoughts, you deserve to live.

[faerynova]

KAITO HAS OCD

Okay, a breakdown of OCD behaviors let’s go:

COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR

He immediately fixates on finding pandora+getting vengeance, cannot be convinced to do anything else to get to this goal except be Kaitou Kid as soon as he decides that’s the path he’ll take. He’s already got his plan, he’s NOT gonna deviate from it.

And he goes after gems that he already knows aren’t Pandora because he’s compelled to complete Kaitou Kid’s MO/rise to challenges.

(from DC ch.965, I pasted the panels together for the relevant bits)

He also goes after targets when OTHER people send notices. (see: chapters 11 and 14 of Magic Kaito.) Yeah he wasn’t the one who started it, but he WILL finish it.

There’s absolutely no rule that says he has to go through with every single heist notice that he or someone else sends! It’s just his own compulsion.

OVER-PLANNING: BACKUP PLANS OF BACKUP PLANS

OCD makes you doubt yourself: what you do, your surroundings, so you have to over-plan to make sure everything goes Just Right, or else there will be consequences. And with heists, there really will be! But assuming he’s got OCD then he feels like *everything* he does has consequences if it doesn’t go the way he planned.

So he’s over-prepared always!

Even when going to school, have you seen all the tricks he keeps up his sleeves just for casual pranks with his classmates? He’s always *always* ready to toss confetti everywhere! To disappear with a smoke bomb! To put a mask of his own face on a classmate to get away! He just carries these things around In Case he needs it!

He just has an entire magic arsenal with him at all times for no good reason, school and other mundane situations.

WAY MORE EXAMPLES AND ANALYSIS UNDER THE CUT:

So here’s some over-preparedness on heists:

(DC ch.1019)

He’s got calling cards made ahead of time to go along with whatever plan he ends up using-- and even though they say he “spontaneously” decided to act, having all those cards there means he DID have every single plan laid out for whichever he decided to do. He figured out which plan he needed to do, and acted accordingly.

(DC ch.963)

This is the one that really gets me. He brought enough disguises to be able to pick someone AT RANDOM to disguise as, and then he has an entire heist planned around the person he picked on a whim.

You could say he just improvises, but a lot of what Kaito does *has* to be planned out in advance. Yes he can knock someone out and steal their clothes for an impromptu disguise, but he still needs masks prepared-- and for disguising as Agasa which he does in this chapter, that’s a whole costume to get the body shape right! He just HAD THAT PREPARED. JUST IN CASE.

(MK ch.23)

Kaito for the love of God what on earth would you ever need to memorize this man’s driver’s license number for. This is a new level of over-prepared. Kaito how did you even memorize that number along with all the other nonsense you need to remember for heists and disguises.

And in the manga we see several times that when his plans go awry, his first reaction isn’t usually to improvise a new plan, but rather to yeet as fast as possible because his brain can’t deal with a plan being ruined. (like above)

AND OKAY MEMORIZING ALL THOSE NUMBERS ACTUALLY BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT:

COUNTING

The above example isn’t technically counting, but it does lend to an obsession with numbers and being hardwired to just have them in the back of his mind without thinking about it.

Alternately, he may have just glanced at the drivers license while handing it over and memorized it on the spot! Counting it without even thinking about it! (Either way, holy shit.)

He can also quickly and accurately count how many people and objects are in a room-- or you know an entire building-- in a matter of seconds. And he remembers all of it!

(MK ch.28)

Okay I think that’s all of the canon examples I’ve got on hand?

So with all that, some OCD headcanons about the boy:

-He over-plans even in mundane situations like deciding what kind of ice cream to get at the store. He’s gotta think about what if his favorite and second favorite and third favorite flavors are out of stock, and how much each brand costs, and if he’s willing to go to another store to get his favorite flavor if they don’t have it, and how long it will take to go to another store and the different prices there-- he over-plans for everything *just in case*.

-He obsessively re-checks and over-checks plans. Gotta make sure everything is right for heists.

-Counts things repeatedly/on a loop when left alone with his thoughts, and often taps along with his counting which outwardly looks like fidgeting or boredom. (I also headcanon that he has ADHD as well, so the tapping looks like a stimmy adhd thing)

-Pretty bad anxiety about messing up/consequences/break in routine, but hey live and die by the poker face, so no one knows it.

-He’s got rituals/routines to calm himself down that he doesn’t even realize are rituals: mindlessly shuffling or counting cards; tracing the scars/creases/etc on his hands, tapping/counting. (more things that just look like stimming basically)

-He also has a rewriting/redrawing habit. Mostly with his Kaitou Kid doodle, but he’ll do it with words too. His school notes have a lot of repetition because sometimes a word feels wrong so he’ll just rewrite it (sometimes several times) before he moves on with the rest of his notes.

-He plans his entire days ahead of time with a list in his head down to really stupid details.

-Yes this includes branching possibilities for different things that might happen that day. Backup plans of backup plans!

-On days where he’s feeling bad or can’t get his thoughts in order, he’ll take the list to paper so he can double check it as the day goes on. He always feels better if he has a plan he can check back on, mental or physical.

-Most importantly, he has absolutely no idea he’s got OCD. He assumes all of this is just normal behavior for an entertainer and a thief. Of course he pays attention to how many people are in a room and how it’s laid out, he’s in the habit of casing places. Of course he’s got 143 plans laid out for the day, it’s only practical that he knows what he’s gonna do. Of course he checks his heist plans two dozen times in the same night, he can’t afford to mess this up!

Anyway that’s all I’ve got for now love y’all byyye.

[gemsmain]

OCD or Alters?

I have OCD as well as OSDD-1b, and for a while I've struggled with being able to tell if an alter is trying to communicate, or if it's my OCD. Since I've seen other people struggling with this too, I'll write out how I've learned to deal with it. (If anyone has additional tips, feel free to add on!)

‎

1. How does it feel?

This can be tricky and isn't a hard science, but I've noticed that when I get anxious, feel guilty, feel my stomach and arms tightening up, and feel the compulsive need to do something to alleviate the guilt/worry, then that's probably OCD.

Occasionally it might have a bit of truth in it, but my OCD is blowing it out of proportion-- for example, if I know an alter is uncomfortable with a subject, my OCD might want me to keep checking on them (or it might trick me into thinking they're telling me to avoid it). Expanding on this example, this is usually what's actually going on in these situations:

a) they weren't paying attention

b) they were feeling a little anxious, but would rather I keep doing what I'm doing (several of my alters pointed out that when I try to avoid stuff that makes them anxious, they end up getting more anxious about it, so they want me to try and relax about it and not concern myself with trying to avoid things for their sake)

‎

2. When does it come up?

When I'm just doing my own thing, and I feel those anxious signals, or I feel the need to check/investigate/strain to hear an alter, it seems to be one of two things:

a) it's my OCD (most common)

b) the signals are coming from an alter, but it's something the system isn't comfortable communicating yet, and it's best to assume it's OCD and let it go (because trying to investigate it, in my experience, won't do any good if the system isn't ready, and trying to investigate has just resulted in feeding OCD or developing an obsession around the occurrence)

(when it's option b, for us at least, there's typically other things going on as well: feeling spacey or detached, motor tics, feeling the sudden urge to fight or flee or dissociate from my body, feeling a foreign emotion that isn't normally associated with OCD feelings (i.e. intense anger that I don't fully understand or that doesn't feel like mine)

On the other hand, when an alter brings it up to me of their own accord, without me having to investigate or check or strain for an answer, that's when it's them.

I know this can be a bit tricky, because sometimes alters may not know how to bring things up directly. The solution to this seems to be learning how to better communicate with each other, which is a big topic that is best suited for another post. But again, in my experience, trying to solve it by compulsively checking / straining / investigating / avoiding only makes communication more muddled.

‎

3. Teamwork

In our case, it's sometimes difficult for my alters to know the difference as well. The solution we've come to is basically this:

"I honestly don't know how I feel about it right now. I don't know if some part of me was actually sending signals or not. For now, I want you to treat it as any other OCD compulsion, and act with the assumption that it is not me. If I find out later that I do need to talk with you about it, then I'll do so, but I won't do it by randomly sending signals in that manner. Let's give it a good while of treating it like a compulsion."

‎

Final note:

Gonna clarify my use of the word "investigate".

Reflecting on behaviors, feelings, turning points, patterns, what has or hasn't helped, etc, is the type of investigating that may be helpful, and is often encouraged by therapists. (Within limits, of course--sometimes I over-analyze, which begins to be less helpful, but I digress.)

But when I obsessively try to figure out things that have not been revealed to me (i.e. "do I have repressed memories about this?", "is a hidden-away alter trying to tell me something?", "was that voice an alter?"), and I feel the compulsive need to check and over-analyze and I get really anxious and focused on it, that's the type of investigation that's connected to unhealthy OCD behaviors.