#the one good thing about me having compulsive checking behavior because of my ocd is i check peoples' DNI/sharing ok/not ok lists

[copepodkisser5000]

~

[chronicbeans]

Platonic Alastor x Maladaptive Daydreamer Reader

Hehe not me self-projecting again! Anyways, these are kinda based on my own experiences, but I'm trying to make them more generalized.

TW: Maladaptive daydreaming, escapism, dissociation, mentions of depression and anxiety, brief mentions of compulsive behavior/OCD, invasion of privacy, manipulation, peer pressure, yandere-ish behavior (I believe he defaults to those behaviors, no matter the type of relationship), mention of cannibalism (this is Alastor we're talking about...), Alastor is a shitty toxic friend in this

• He's absolutely fascinated by the way your mind works. Even before he knows what is going on, or begins to get close to you, he can tell you are an interesting person. The way you look so distant, like your mind is checked out and flying to far off places without you, is something he hasn't seen before. He wants to pick and prod at your brain to see what's going on.

• He doesn't want to do so the easy way, though. No. Instead, he wants to drag out this process for as long as possible, and make sure you twist and squirm all the while. He loves to make people uncomfortable, after all! That's his specialty, in his opinion, besides his radio show.

• He'll start off with introductions, of course, which is probably when he first got interested in you. That dreamy look isn't so easy to see from a distance, after all. The second he looked into your eyes while shaking your hand, though, it became obvious. How hadn't he seen it before? If he saw this look when he first entered, he would've talked to you first out of the crew at the Hazbin Hotel. Well, besides Charlie... But, that's just because she owns the place.

•The uncomfortable prodding starts in an instant. One of his first questions after getting your name is not "What made you want to come to the hotel?" or "What can you provide to help the hotel?" It's more like "How did you die?", "What are your major vices?", and "What sin have you committed to be brought to Hell?" He wants to test the waters. See what he can get away with without completely scaring you off. If you run away and avoid him, it'd be harder to learn what he wants, and make you uncomfortable while doing so.

• Regardless of whether or not you answer, you are probably a little put off from him. Not enough to completely avoid him, since you can see how some of those questions might help him help the hotel, but enough to be uncomfortable... Which, in his opinion, is perfect!

• He's great at hiding, so if you start noticing him mentioning things you thought were private, you really shouldn't be surprised. He can, quite literally, hide in the shadows at times. He quickly takes notes of your little habits, including ones you might be embarrassed about.

• He may watch you pacing around your room, mumbling to yourself as if you are playing pretend all alone. Or, maybe, he's hiding over your shoulder while you're writing down some elaborate storyline. Perhaps he's watching you in plain sight, seeing you make a bunch of odd facial expressions at seemingly nothing. He may not know why you do this, but he wants to. He would've suspected some sort of substance use, considering it's Hell. Lots of people do so. However, he's never seen you near anything that would cause such behavior. So, that's off his list, for now.

• So, step 2 of his plan begins! As his good ol' pals Husk and Niffty to try befriending you! Or, at the very least, get information from you that you aren't comfortable telling him. Then, have them report back to him with their findings. Of course, Husk seems agitated by the request, but obliges. Niffty seems more than happy to do as he asks, though. A happy worker is a good worker, so he has more hope in Niffty getting the big story than Husk.

• Surprisingly, though, he's proven wrong. The most Niffty got was your fashion sense, favorite types of stories, and that you are very "quiet". Yes, the fashion and types of stories were new to him... But what he seems important, the reason you act so oddly, isn't there. Husk, however, was able to get a lot more out of you, somehow.

• Husk mentions you talking to him, one night, after he saw you skipping oddly down the hall and pass the bar where he was cleaning the glasses before closing it for the night. You seemed extremely embarrassed to have been seen, mentioning that you thought he was asleep already. He then just, politely asked a few questions...? And got answers? How?

• Alastor immediately demands answers, only for Husk to reply "I don't know how to describe it like they did! Most I understood is that they daydream too much. Seems like it's a constant thing going on. They like to pace and prance while doing so, sometimes, but don't like getting caught."

• Now it begins to make more sense... the writing, the talks about stories with Niffty, the prancing and pacing... and most importantly, that dreamy, distant look you have. He can even see why you'd make odd expressions. You're reacting to your own thoughts... He doesn't understand it. He's never heard of anything like this before, especially during his time as a human, but he can tell one thing for certain: You must be his friend, now. Whether you like it or not.

• You are so different from everyone else he's met, you see, and he loves things that go against the norm. Now, while you may or may not be considered normal or not too different by others, you're different and abnormal to him. You somehow succeed in both being polite, smart, and funny to mess around with, while also barely being able to pay attention to the world around you. He's always thought that those two things were mutually exclusive. How can you learn when you can't stop being in your own head? How can someone be polite and not listen? The funny part, though... He can kind of see that. He finds surprising you be sneaking up behind you and tapping your shoulder funny every now and again. Nevertheless, you are going to be his friend.

• Soon enough, you notice his behavior changing, a bit. Less following you around, less vaguely threatening words, and more... quiet. It's eerie, coming from him. However, you also notice him trying to talk to you about stories and books he's heard and read. Even things he's heard during his human life, such as Creole folktales and other stories he's heard in New Orleans, Louisiana back in the 1920s-1930s. It's a bit like a completely different side to him you never expected to see, and never really wanted to, but you aren't really complaining. It's better than him deciding to terrorize you for fun and him asking invasive questions...

• A little more time passes and he decides to ask about small habits, disguising them as him just now noticing those habits, when he's probably noticed them while spying on you months prior. Nothing too extreme. Mostly just your expressions, how it seems like your attention is somewhere else... Nothing like your pacing, prancing, or acting. He wants to establish that he knows about these tiny little things, and now that you're more comfortable with him, you're much more likely to answer. That way, once he moves onto the bigger, more personal questions, you'll already have been eased into feeling comfortable with it.

• Eventually, you get to the point where you feel comfortable calling him a friend. He's already considered you one since that conversation with Husk, but it's a start. Now, he's gotten the lovely privilege of being able to know more about what's going on in that lovely little brain of yours... well, "little" brain is definitely an understatement. From how you describe your imagination, he'd be led to believe your mind must be as vast as the Library of Alexandria.

• Vast worlds, complicated plotlines, complex characters... you talk of odd tales you've created, all in your brain. Ones you've had in your mind for years, some you came up with on a whim, and others, still, that are still being developed. Stories that have been being created over the span of real life years, ones you started then dropped... All of which are being held in your head, with only a miniscule fraction of it being written onto paper. He's truly impressed, genuinely respecting your odd talent, as he sees it. You've perfected the craft of creativity, while he's perfected the art of talking to an audience. Even better, is that he got to learn whether or not his theory of you taking inspiration from stories you've heard was right. Which explains his sudden mentions of stories he's heard in life.

• Now... if only you'd let him tell some of your stories on his radio show! If you wouldn't like that, then he'd probably ask you to write something for his show. That way, it isn't as personal to you, and you wouldn't even need to be credited if you're embarrassed by it! He could just say a random listener sent it in, and he thought it'd be great to read, to show his appreciation for his adoring fans. The world simply must hear the greatness of your mind, dear, and he is not going to stop annoying politely asking you to write something until you do.

• Another thing he might try is to see if he can figure out why you partake in this little habit of yours. He's never heard of it, though he has asked some sinners and demons if they have. Be it Charlie, Angel Dust, some of the other overlords, or a friend of his we haven't seen or heard of, before. More modern sinners keep mentioning a thing called Maladaptive Daydreaming, describing it as a symptom of other mental health diagnoses... but that's the problem. That fits you, you've mentioned that you know of that and it fits you... but that's also just a symptom. Well, a few argue that it may be its own thing, but it is not an official diagnosis yet. So, for now, he wants to figure out why you do it.

• Is it depression? Anxiety? Do you really want to escape from something, and you're doing so by hopping into that little dream land of yours? Is it some sort of compulsion? You seem to not really be able to control it that well, after all, and others have mentioned links to OCD, as well as other disorders that can cause compulsions. Is it sheer, absolute, chronic boredom? Speak to him, dear! What is it? Do you even know? If not, he'll assume it's the boredom option... for now.

• He's obsessed with you, really. You're his friend, and he's very obsessive over them, in his own way. He is as far away from normal when it comes to showing real affection for others, which wouldn't be bad, if it weren't for the fact that a main part of it is him being absolutely suffocating when he's around. That, and he can be terrifying... He's the Radio Demon, after all! It's just worse for you than his other friends, though, because you are different. Being different is a really important thing for him, really, alongside being polite, smart, and funny. Not required, unlike the last three traits, but it makes you more likely to be his friend. You hit the lottery by achieving being all four, but it must be the worst lottery prize in the world.

• He holds the thought that you should just be friends with him. Now, you don't have to be... but, he'd prefer it. If you really want outside friends, sure! You just can't be friends with his other friends. He claims they'd "taint" you with how violent they can be. Plus, since he's friends with other cannibals, some of which do serve sinner and demon meat to others without telling them, he genuinely does worry about your safety and wellbeing if you met those specific friends of his. For your friends, he wants to meet them. He needs to in order to deem them worthy of being your friend, and to make sure it's not someone he knows and is friends with. You deserve perfection, and who knows perfection better than Alastor, yes? After all, he can see that you're perfect. That is more than enough evidence, dear.

• You're one of the few people who he doesn't mind having your attention not on him. Part of your charm, in his opinion, is your lack of attention. All he asks is that you tell him about a story of yours. What is going on in your head that's so important? Oh, a great war between this and that? A psychological horror? Cities beneath the sea? Tell him about it. He finds it fun! Especially if he can see any possible inspiration from events or other stories. He likes to hear your voice almost as much as he likes to hear his own, which you'll realize is more of a compliment than it might sound like, once you truly get to know him.

[compassionatereminders]

Just wanted to share something I've been struggling with and how I've managed to be more self compassionate. I've never been diagnosed with OCD by a doctor (thank you Canadian wait times), but my therapists have all noted that the way I experience anxiety is very similar to it. This is especially true when it comes to an obsession with one of my ex friends with benefits. It was messy and passionate and even though I ended it because I didn't want to get hurt, I think what I really wanted was for him to choose me (he didn't). In hindsight, he was an asshole, but that hasn't stopped me from being unhealthily obsessed with him for the past six years (which is unfortunately the length of my current relationship as well). Any time I am reminded of this man, I feel the compulsion to check his social media profiles, and have to resist the temptation to reach out to him. I unfriended him on everything and even deleted snapchat several years ago because I kept checking his location. I thought I had this under control but recently I went to a restaurant and he was my server. I felt like I was losing my mind. It makes me feel terrible the way he plagues my mind even though I am committed to my partner. However, I made a breakthrough in therapy recently where I realized that because this is so distressing to me, it kind of proves that cheating on my partner with my ex is NOT something I actually want to do in real life, and I am not necessarily a bad person just for thinking things, and that I actually haven't done anything wrong. I always have doubts about myself and my "goodness", but my actions speak louder than my thoughts.

Yeah this sounds very OCD, and no thought can make you a bad person on its own. We are defined by our actions, not by what happens inside our heads. Especially not since what goes on inside our heads isn't necessarily within our control the way our actual behavior usually is

[purelyobsessional]

How to Understand the OCD Thought Process

People with obsessive-compulsive disorder have intrusive thoughts (or images) that bother them, leading to a cycle of behaviors.

The cycle of OCD begins with a trigger, which eventually lead to negative thoughts, compulsive actions, and avoidance.

1. Triggers: These are the events or stimuli that set you off. It could be touching something (contamination), leaving the house (something is unlocked, the gas is on), driving at night (I ran over something), thinking of sex (God will punish me, I will lose control).

2. Odd thoughts or images: You have some thoughts or sensations that you don’t like. “Why am I having those bizarre, sick, disgusting, unwanted thoughts?”

3. Negative evaluation of thoughts: You think there is something wrong with your thinking – as if you should  have only pure and good thoughts and feelings. You have a lot of “shoulds” about the way you should think and feel. You think that now that you have the thought, you have a responsibility to get reassurance, get control, or get rid of it. Having the thought is equivalent to being SENT ON A MISSION. You have become THE THOUGHT POLICE.

4. Self-monitoring: You watch yourself like a hawk, looking for those thoughts. Of course, simply because you have to think about what you are looking for (“I am looking for that disgusting and dangerous thought”), you always have to find it. It’s like holding up a mirror to yourself and saying, “I am looking for a mirror. OH MY GOD! THERE IT IS!!!!”

5. Demand for certainty: You think you should know for sure whether you will act out, lose control, or are contaminated. Nothing short of perfection and certainty will suffice.

6. Thought-action fusion: You equate having a thought with committing an action. “If I think I will get violent, I will.” Or, a thought is the same thing as reality. “If I think I have cancer, then I must be a dead man.” Thoughts, actions and reality are all one – all in your mind.

7. Thought-suppression: Your first line of “defense” is to try to stop having these thoughts. You tell yourself, “Don’t think that.” It works … for three minutes. But your failure to permanently suppress these thoughts leads you to believe…

8. “I’ve lost control”: You now equate control in your life to eliminating unwanted thoughts. Now you feel more out of control as you desperately try to control your thoughts more and more. It’s like slapping the water and drowning.

9. Compulsions: You now perform some neutralizing ritual. Perhaps you wash your hands excessively, pray, repeat “No,” walk a certain way, wash a certain way, arrange things, go back and check, check again…. You find yourself frenetically doing these things until you have a…

10. Felt sense of completion: You say, “I can stop now because I feel I have done enough.” This felt sense of completion now becomes your new rulebook for rituals. “I need to do them until I feel I did enough.” You are hooked on your rituals.

11. Avoidance of triggers. You remind yourself, I wouldn’t have any of these thoughts if I simply avoided the triggers. So you avoid touching things, avoid public restrooms, avoid shaking hands, avoid movies with Satan, avoid people that make you have feelings that are bad, and disgusting feelings. Avoid, avoid and avoid. You are running away from the world.

Excerpted from: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/anxiety-files/200906/how-do-obsessive-compulsive-people-think

[whackacole3]

Hanzo and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

I was joking with a friend about making the Overwatch characters have personality disorders, I realized that Hanzo very closely resembles someone with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (also called anankastic personality disorder).

Now I will say, I myself have some personality disorders so I have the need to project onto him. This might lead me to project certain traits onto Hanzo as I analyze his character, so keep that in mind please.

On another note, if you disagree please just scroll past and don’t argue. I’m not saying this is canon or even implied, it’s just a headcanon and a silly little analysis that I wanted to do because I was bored.

Note: OCPD and OCD are not the same thing despite the similar names. Please do your own research if you want to learn more about the differences as I want to focus this on character analysis.

Let’s get into it!

Many may be shocked to know that OCPD is the most common personality disorder (not BPD like many may think). [source] So it is very likely that Hanzo could be one of these.

To receive a diagnosis of OCPD, an individual must reach four out of the eight specific criteria. Not the full set, only partially. It is important to notice that everyone’s experience with OCPF will be different because of the many combinations that exist within the criteria.

I will be using the direct diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5. Though Hanzo is Japanese and would use the ICD-11c I’m just not as familiar with that.

Is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost.

To maintain a sense of control, people with OCPD focus on rules, minute details, procedures, schedules, and lists. As a result, the main point of a project or activity is lost, as the criteria says. People with OCPD repeatedly check for mistakes and pay extraordinary attention to detail. They do not make good use of their time, often leaving the most important tasks until the end. Their preoccupation with the details and making sure everything is perfect can endlessly delay completion. They are unaware of how their behavior affects their coworkers. When focused on one task, these patients may neglect all other aspects of their life. [source]

Now while I personally believe Hanzo does this, from my understanding there’s no exact canon proof of him being preoccupied with these things. It could be assumed he does with all the later criteria he has that he is probably this way, but we don’t know for sure. No points. 0/8

Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion

Nothing else matters except for being perfect. Things may never be completed because the need for it to be the best it possibly can be. Only the highest of standards for themselves. They have nothing in the tank to take care of yourself or attend to your hobbies or interests. [source]

Now while this can be explained from Hanzo being the eldest son and the pressure put on him by his father, that doesn’t negate the fact he does this. We know from dialogue with other characters he holds himself to a very high standard. So, that’s a point for him. 1/8

Is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships

People with OCPD may have difficulty in forming and maintaining relationships due to their perfectionist tendencies and devotion to work. They may have unrealistic expectations of themselves and others, which can lead to conflict and disappointment. [source]

This is pretty much the same as the last one. He isn’t tied to any organization and really has no friends or close ties to anyone. While there might be other explanations for this, I think it’s plausible he might not want to set himself up for disappointment. I’ll give a half point here. 1.5/8

Is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values

People with OCPD think actions and beliefs are either completely right or completely wrong. They often feel they are always right. It’s as if nothing will change their minds. [source]

Hanzo believes he is unforgivable and unworthy of anything. While this might be a more morbid belief that what is typically for OCPD, it still constitutes as one and would apply here. So sadly, he gets a point. 2.5/8

Is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value.

Hoarding is a very common symptom in OCPD because of the fear of losing something.

While I headcanon this: we have no canon proof of it. No point. 2.5/8

Is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things.

People with OCPD want to do things on their own without any help for fear of someone messing up their work. They typically deeply consumed in dysfunctional beliefs and genuinely see their way of functioning as the only "correct" way, where the world needs to conform to their own strict standards. [source]

This is very much Hanzo. He works by himself, a lone wolf, never with anyone else. While we don’t know if it’s exactly for the reason stated above, i would say it’s a plausible situation enough to give him a full point. 3.5/8

Adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes.

This one is pretty self explanatory .

Hanzo doesn’t have this, he gave away all his fortune. So, no point. 3.5/8

Shows rigidity and stubbornness.

People with OCPD are often described as “stuck in their ways” and “unwilling to change”. Such rigidity often manifests in a sense of hypermorality.

Hanzo is most definitely stubborn in every way possible. He doesn’t want to do anything except for his way. While he doesn’t have hypermorality, he is definitely ridged in his ways. Point. 4.5/8

And there we have it. Four and a half longs. If he was real, Hanzo could very much qualify for an OCPD diagnosis. There’s a lot of possible “stretching” and projecting; but in my eyes he had OCPD.

Now, again, this whole analysis is all for fun, shits and giggles if you will, so if you disagree that’s completely okay! Just don’t be mean about it, it’s just a headcanon/personal belief.

[hismercytomyjustice]

Definitely DID NOT just finish editing this week's chapter.

That would be crazy. You're crazy.

...but I am very happy with it, and very curious what folks will think...

And also extremely sorry. ╭( ๐_๐)╮

As I believe I said before, I have good news and bad news.

Good news, I fixed the problem I was having with Cazador.

Bad news, I fixed the problem I was having with Cazador.

He came across as too...nice (?) in the first draft. No, maybe permissive is a better word?

...I certainly don't think he does anymore!

Blah blah more OCD shit under the cut.

This chapter literally sent me into a 2 month long spiral that ultimately made me realize how much my OCD fucks with my writing, fanfic and otherwise. Which is why I bring up my OCD so much in relation to this fic.

Only took me ten fucking years to realize it! (ᇂ_ᇂ |||) But hey, we got there eventually!

I felt so fucking stupid/embarrassed venting to my therapist about my struggles with voluntarily writing fanfic. It's the same way I felt venting to her about the agonies I initially experienced when I decided to start taking piano lessons. It's not life or death! I didn't have to do either of those things! And yet I was so fucking upset about both. And wouldn't ya know it, turns out both were like catnip for my OCD!

I won't even begin to pretend I don't still have issues with my OCD and my writing. One of my super fun writing related obsessions lately is the deep seated fear I've gone into a fugue state and accidentally plagiarized other fics I've read. This was particularly bad with my latest Night Vale fic and my Hazbin Part 3 fic.

So, what's a person with OCD to do? Reassurance seeking and checking, of course! As I explained to my BFF the other day:

So obviously I spent hours googling Night Vale fanons and skimming/searching through Night Vale and Hazbin fics and other fics I'd previously read to make sure I hadn't accidentally copied someone else!

FUN FACT! I've read over 100 Hazbin fanfics alone! FUN FACT, IT IS PROBABLY (thanks for the qualifier, OCD) LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CHECK ALL OF THEM.

AND I AM ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! That is MAJOR NO NO OCD behavior. It is a lapse. It is choosing to engage in a compulsion. Because, as they so succinctly put it at the OCD Conference I attended, a compulsion is a choice. The whole point of treatment for OCD is to quiet your obsessions and to learn how NOT to engage in your compulsions. OCD doesn't go away (unfortunately), but it can go into remission. Digging into a lapse/engaging in a compulsion ultimately pushes you closer to a relapse and further from remission.

But try telling that to yourself in the moment! Because my OCD thinks it is imperative to engage in the compulsion. Because otherwise I have to sit with the doubt/uncertainty/fear and try not to let it fester. It is so much easier in the short term to spend hours on checking and reassurance seeking. And, even worse, it makes you feel a little better in the moment!

But, as my friend so aptly said in the screenshot above, "something tells me you would just replace the thing you silenced with something new….."

Abso-fucking-lutely I would! And I did! I checked the fanons and fanfics I was most worried about, but I didn't check all of them! Even if I had, what if I thought I had and I missed one, the one that I actually may have accidentally copied? Or what if AO3's reading history isn't perfect and I checked everything and it left one off, the one that I actually may have accidentally copied?

To engage in a compulsion is to become the OCD equivalent of Sisyphus. Did you get the boulder to the top of the hill? Congratulations! Oops, looks like it rolled back down again... But this time it'll stay at the top of the hill for sure!

Right??? Right???

I did ultimately realize I was in an OCD spiral and made myself stop checking. Do I still want to? Absolutely I do! I want nothing more than to go through everything I've ever read with a fine tooth comb because otherwise I have to live with the doubt/fear/uncertainty. I have to accept I may have unintentionally been influenced by someone's work I read and loved, which would absolutely fucking devastate me because I would never do that kind of thing on purpose. It's against everything I believe in. It's cruel and it's wrong and oh god what if I did it accidentally and I'm cruel and wrong and a horrible fucking person?! This is it! This is when me and everyone else finally finds out I'm a horrible fucking person who can't write and whose only good ideas actually came from someone else!

My therapist would say something at this point like "But what if you didn't do that? What if you actually did come up with your ideas all on your own?" Or "It's possible. Anything is possible. That doesn't mean it's likely." Or "Even if you did, it's obviously not something you'd do on purpose."

Meanwhile my OCD brain is just like "We have to come up with contingencies for if you accidentally did do it and how you'll respond and fix it." And "It's just a matter of time before someone else finds what you missed when checking. What are you going to do then?" And "If it did happen, you'll have to give up writing forever and destroy your tumblr and forever hide from the justified mob consisting of the entire internet who will rightfully hunt you to the ends of the earth."

So, yeah. Needless to say, I STILL DESPERATELY WANT TO GO BACK TO CHECKING AND REASSURANCE SEEKING. But I'm going to try not to. And thank goodness I have therapy tomorrow because this shit has been living rent free in my head (in the bad way) for literal weeks now.

I keep trying to remind myself I can either continue compulsing or I can just keep fucking writing and hope for the best.

And yeah, my therapist did mention last session that I should probably ask my doctor about upping my antidepressants. Why do you ask?

Fuck it is mortifying to write all this shit out. And, ngl, my OCD is just like "Well, at least you have timestamped proof you didn't plagiarize anyone on purpose! But, y'know, no one will believe you anyway when they ultimately find the evidence you couldn't and confront you and run you out of internet town!"

...so yeah, I scheduled an appointment with my doctor for later this week to talk about upping my antidepressants... Because goodness gracious. It's not just about this. I'm still struggling with burnout (and maybe a resurgence of depression) and OCD in other areas of my life. It just so happens this latest spiral has been taking up a lot of real estate in my head lately.

[smoov-criminal]

Hey, I just found your blog and saw your post about OCD. I was wondering if you could talk some more about it 'cause I went through it when I was little, untreated and with no support, and I rarely do see anyone talk about what OCD is like internally. Those intrusive thoughts do come back every once in a while and scare the crap out of me. Thank you

hi! sorry i didnt answer sooner i literally never check my inbox lmao.

im definitely not the most educated person on OCD on tumblr, but im happy to share some things ive learned/thought about since my diagnosis.

1. i learned that my mom has OCD around the same time i did, which makes a lot of sense. i seem to have been the only one in my immediate family who knew she'd been dealing with severe anxiety for years, but whatever lmao. i think a large part of my OCD obsessions stem from my mom's. she wasn't aware that her feelings were abnormal, so i guess im not mad at her for that, but i picked up on a lot of it as a kid and have the anxiety i do as an adult. i think this is unfortunately a very common experience: growing up with mentally ill parents who eventually give u the same mental illness thru a combination of genetics and abuse/neglect/bad parenting/parents needing therapy.

2. mental compulsions need to be talked about more. i suspect the reason my OCD went undiagnosed for so long is because my compulsions are almost entirely mental, so no one, including myself, knew what to look for. mental compulsions include: saying/repeating words or phrases, counting words, letters, numbers, or objects, making lists, ruminating on past and potential future situations with "what ifs", trying to figure out the meaning of internal experiences like thoughts and feelings, trying to figure out the meaning of life, and even replacing an obsession with a different image/word. sorry for the long list, but i listed all of these bc i do a whole lot of them, but didnt realize theyre compulsive behaviors until recently. how are people supposed to heal when they dont even know what symptoms they have?

3. if u have intrusive thoughts, particularly ones related to bigotry and pedophilia, i want u to know that u arent those things. your thoughts dont make u a bad person, there is no morality associated with your thoughts. your actions are what determine how good of a person you are.

thats about all i can think of atm, but if you or anyone else has any specific questions feel free to ask!!

[belong2human-kind]

Hey guys! Clara, echoflower, here! :')

This going to be a really long post and it contains my view of my disorder OCD and it can be triggering to some, so I already apologize for the length and also for possible triggers :(

I've been offline from tumblr because there's too many things happening in my life, and although I'm not really depressed again, I don't think I can engage in the things I love the most on here, which is my fandoms like Rebels, SW, deltarune, undertale, Avatar and so many more you know? As much as I want to be active here because these things bring me so much joy, I don't think I have the energy to do it for now :(

I know I've mentioned quite sometimes here, but I have OCD and GAD since my whole life, and many of my behaviors are still influenced by them because although I'm in treatment and I do see many positive results, I only discovered OCD too late in life, in my 19s during covid when I almost got through a psychotic episode. OCD makes you question reality in such a sick way that, if you don't have support and don't have the diagnosis, you can experience a disconnection from reality since you question your whole self and the world around you. It's much more deep than just checking the doorknob 3 times to make sure it's locked, because it is never only 3 times. Maybe 4, maybe 6, maybe 7 or you skip to 12, but never really only 3. You engage in compulsions and you know that they do not make any sense, you see the door locked in front of you, but it's like a feeling. It doesn't feel like it's locked. And these types of questioning can suddenly change to other topics because this is one of OCD specialties, right? To infiltrate in everything you know and believe and twist that against you, making you doubt yourself and your reality around, making you feel confused and guilty. I have pretty bad themes on my ocd like "What if I hurt someone I love while I'm holding a knife or scissor??" And I have this one, followed by horrifying intrusive realistic thoughts that show me performing the action I despise the most, and to avoid the thought or relieve the stress of it, I need to do something. Sometimes, screaming "no, I won't do it" out loud, sometimes avoidance. I stopped using any really pointed and sharp scissors and knives at age of 7 to 8 years. And the thing about engaging in compulsions is that, it helps, momentarily, but it gets worst as time passes by. And the thoughts can turn into more monstrous things, like "Imagine if you kissed your parent romantically??" "Oh this person that passed through me was good looking... Did I just cheat on my boyfriend? I think I did..." and other what ifs and pathological doubts that never ends and can apply to anything, specially the things you care the most about. If you value honesty, then OCD makes you feel a liar. If you're certain you are someone good, ocd doubts that until you question your own actions, all of them, even the smallest ones like touching your nose. If you are afraid of being sick or catching microorganisms (thankfully I don't have this type because I could probably never engage in biology and microbiology, my passions) you become hyper aware of any normal thing in your body, they become signals of something that isn't there, but you can't believe it because it feels like it is. It's like experiencing your worst nightmares repeating on an endless spiral in your mind, daily.

And as time passes with you being in the dark and not understanding why you do this although you know it's illogical and you don't really want to do, the more you spend your life without the knowledge that you have this disorder and consequently without the properly treatment, the more time it takes to heal all the damage. And sadly, I'm 21 now. I've been just "weird Clara with weird superstitions and rituals" for 19 years but I've been "Clara, who has OCD diagnosed and treated" for almost 3 years now. The process is slow, it's full of ups and downs, and I had very meaningful losses in my life during the pandemic years, which impacted negatively on my healing :(

I lost my dad, my dog and the other closest person in my house (which I already mentioned in private to some but won't say publicly because of my mystical OCD and the belief that if I mention her name I'll deem her bc of my fault) is fighting cancer rn, metastic one, and her treatment is having ups and downs that makes me feel so so bad... some days I'm just hopless, you know?

I was recently also confirmed to my old suspecting of ADHD. I had it all my life, but my OCD and generalized anxiety made it difficult to notice. Now that they are much more controlled, adhd is so so loud and I was in the dark, not knowing why I was so lazy, why I would forget to drink and eat, forget to go to the bathroom and take baths, brush my teeth, forget to feed my so beloved pets... now I know, but some relatives like aunts and uncles still don't have the patience to deal with it. I'm trying to get better, but because of OCD and GAD, I cannot treat ADHD, since they are opposite medications 🥲 so I guess I'll just have to find ways to compensate my chronically lateness, lack of time understanding and lack of energy to exist someday too, to simply get out of bed even though you want to do so many things.

Anyways, this post is already super long, but I just want to update you all and thank for all the amazing friends I've got here, and all the prayers and support as well. I used to be (still am a little) super shy to post my things, but the Rebels fan community received me so lovingly that I got confident to post my arts 🥺 I really adore you all guys 🌻

I intend to be back as soon as possible, I just really need to get my life together, that by now is a chaos 🥲 but I'm sure I'll be around when Ahsoka goes on air bc my hyperfixation on Bine and Ezra will be back!! Lol 🥲

I hope you all are doing great! Miss you all guys 🌻

[carolinanadeau]

Embarrassing, ridiculous TMI under the readmore (not gross! just way too personal!)

I do not have PTSD and I don't want to be a part of the "flippantly using the word 'trigger'" problem at all, but I think I finally found a proper name for this harmful behavior I've wrestled with since at least high school, and it's called self-triggering.

Again, I don't have trauma... well, everybody has some trauma, but that's not the thing I'm triggering myself about here. And if I explained what I had actually been doing to myself (which may be obvious to someone who's reading between the lines but I don't want to talk about it for reasons I've stated before), it would sound laughably, mockably trivial. But the results are still an acute increase in depression and obsessive negative/angry thinking and distress and alienation from something that usually gives me joy... so it's still harmful to me, no matter how stupid and frivolous it sounds. Perhaps it's an OCD/depression self-triggering instead of a PTSD self-triggering.

I reiterate, what I'm discussing is not trauma, not EVER claiming it is, but:

In a similar vein, one set of case studies (De Young, 1984) conceptualized approaching situations reminiscent of the trauma as “counterphobic behavior” (i.e., an attempt to master anxiety by repeatedly approaching its source, resulting in a greater sense of control).  

I understand this, the "maybe if I keep looking I'll become desensitized", and "I need more information so I can better avoid this thing and people associated!" Or even "well maybe it wasn't really that bad, maybe I'm remembering it as worse than it was" (I'm not, if anything I've forgotten just how bad it was!)

Likewise, if trauma survivors perceive reexperiencing symptoms as inevitable, they may wish to decide the time and place of their occurrence, affording them a sense of control.

...is that the irrational "gotta get it over with" compulsion??  

Alarmingly, many users also report being unable to stop this behavior once they have begun despite the dysregulation and distress that it causes.

This is how it goes: I will read or even just skim through something that causes me serious emotional distress, whether that is a fanfiction with something horrible happening to characters I find comfort in, or a really nasty article full of harsh, baseless criticisms of something I love so much. (Again, these things sound laughable but to the way my mind works, it is not. Though I also do something similar with actual bad memories from my life [I think everyone does], well, you can't "reread" or refresh those. And I also have the power to delete/destroy any physical records I have of those.)

So, I will vow to never ever let this wretched thing enter my eyeballs again. I will ruminate about it and quietly seethe about the fact that it exists, and that some people even like/agree with it! I won't be able to get certain upsetting phrases out of my head and I will obsess and it will ruin my enjoyment of related things whenever I get reminded of it.

Maybe I will find ways to block or blacklist to lower my chances of seeing it. And I will be very vigilant about this for a long time and will successfully avoid it, even if I see reminders here and there that make me mad. Slowly, I'll only remember a few specific sentences from the thing, and even those may be unclear.

And then I'll suddenly develop the belief that I "have to" look at it again for some reason, and my heart will start pounding as I start bracing myself for this "inevitability".  And eventually the irrational, self-destructive side will win out and I'll do it, believing that it's like ripping a bandaid off for the greater good. Gotta get it over with, you see. I'll only glance over it, of course, because this time I already know how bad it is - I'll just read a few sentences here and there on my way to do something "sensible" like block the url or check who liked it so I know it wasn't my friends - but it will be enough to make me feel like absolute shit for days again, and now I have these fresh memories in my head to contend with and the cycle of trying to forget these bad bad thoughts and be able to freely enjoy the thing I love starts all over again.

and that's what you missed on Glee!

[avulleonastick]

This video is one of the best descriptions of intrusive thoughts I've ever seen.

Background you don't need: I have OCD. Specifically, I have Harm OCD and Pure OCD. This means I have a debilitating fear of causing harm to others or of being morally impure. I do not have many compulsions, but I do have a lot of obsessions. I will not be telling you about my obsessions because I do not generally thinking it's a good idea to hand the internet at large a loaded gun pointed at my head.

One of the ways I've described OCD before to people is that it's just a little bit like living in a horror film. You ever watch a horror film, and like, there's a split second in which the world is replaced with a horrible nightmare world before it snaps back to reality, as foreshadowing of things to come?

That's what it's like to have OCD for me. It's not exactly true, because I don't have hallucinations—it's all just mental images in my head (that I know are in my head). But they are often overwhelming enough they may as well be real. I can be driving down the road, and will suddenly be assaulted with the visceral mental "image" of running over a squirrel. I have not done so. The car has not bumped. It is not triggered by anything. But I can see it so vividly in my mind's eye, I feel like I have to check.

It's funny to give this great, very visceral example of what OCD is like "that it's like the world sometimes turns into a nightmare", when to be perfectly honest, That Isn't The Problem.

What I just described is what having an intrusive thought feels like. But OCD isn't just intrusive thoughts. It's a maladaptive set of mental behaviors around those intrusive thoughts. A person without OCD could have a gruesome mental image, and just move on. "Wow, gross." They might check their mirror to make sure yep, no dead squirrels. Everything's fine, that was weird!

I have some of those, too! One of my most common intrusive thoughts is being unable to get through doors! I will imagine trying to go through a door, and I will get stuck on it, over and over and over again. No matter how many times I try and get through that door, I will not. I will get stuck.

It's annoying.

It's not a problem.

It's a fun story to tell your friends. "Hey isn't it funny that I can't imagine going through doors sometimes?"

OCD for me is when a single intrusive thoughts creates a death spiral of anxiety. I will imagine horrible thing A happening, then become increasingly afraid of horrible thing A *actually happening*, until I am completely paralyzed with anxiety, and have to check that horrible thing A *hasn't happened* (checking compulsion), sometimes several times, or sometimes constantly, until the anxiety fades.

Earlier this year, this would happen to me every single night. As soon as the sun went down, I would enter an anxiety spiral I would not exit until the sun came up again. It would vary in intensity between "I am losing my mind and need to stay out in my car, which soothes my anxiety, all night" to "This sucks this sucks this sucks let's sleep it off". I was legitimately considering finding a mental hospital and trying to get myself admitted before I confessed to some friends, and got told I was welcome in their house at any time of day or night to basically adhere myself to their side for hours on end and have them distract me from the nightmare my mind had become.

Anyways, that's what OCD is like for me. (For anyone concerned, I have a therapist now who has helped me greatly, and although, for example, writing this down has caused me substantial anxiety by literally writing down anxiety triggers, I'm confident I can get under control in about fifteen minutes without too much trouble. I haven't had to stay up all night from an anxiety attack in probably a couple months now.)

1000% this, people need to stop calling their impulses and random thoughts "intrusive thoughts", they have no fucking clue how debilitating it is to have ocd

[a-concert-just-for-me]

As a serial OCD headcanoner, I think Hunter Theowlhouse should have OCD. Come on, Dana, give him one more mental illness :)

Elaboration of what I think his intrusive thoughts/compulsions could be under the cut

Intrusive thoughts about his own identity vs. Caleb’s vs. not being real at all

Is this my thought, or his?

Do I like this thing because he liked it?

Am I my own person?

Am I even a person, or just a tool?

Compulsions could include reassurance seeking (asking everyone constantly if he is real/unique/in control), and researching (scouring through books about the Wittebane brothers for clues on Caleb’s personality/searching for answers about grimwalkers)

Intrusive thoughts about morals

Being chronically unsure of what’s right and wrong due to Belo’s skewed morality lessons

Freaking out over the most mundane mistakes

Always feeling like he is the worst person in the world

Constantly comparing his behavior to Belos’

Intrusive thoughts of violence

Compulsions could include reassurance seeking (asking everyone their opinion on him. Needing to be told he is good. That he’s NOT like Belos), constantly reviewing his behavior/conversations in his head (mental compulsion to make sure he hasn’t done anything bad recently), and researching laws and rules (to see if he has broken any).

Magical thinking and compulsions related to physical safety of others

Always checking the locks on the doors (magical thinking: if anyone breaks in due to his negligence, everyone WILL get hurt and it WILL be his fault)

Same compulsion as above, but with documenting exit routes and cataloguing dangers in their environment

Checking in with loved ones all the time (magical thinking: if he doesn’t, they will get hurt or die)

Wishing people safe travels/praying for them before they leave (magical thinking: if he doesn’t, they will get hurt or die)

Post “Thanks to Them” intrusive thoughts/compulsions

Contamination obsessions around anything slimy or goopy (What if Belos is in it? What if he takes over again?)

Compulsions could include excessive hand-washing and/or extreme avoidance of anything with a Belos goop-like texture

Major anxiety about Belos possessing him

Compulsions could include checking and reassurance seeking (Am I me right now? Am I being possessed? Are my eyes blue? Do I have antlers?) and testing (I will test myself by thinking about killing Flapjack. If I’m distressed, I’m me. If I’m not, I’m Belos.

A/N: This compulsion would cause him so much more distress. If he eventually becomes desensitized to the memory of killing Flapjack, he will spiral. He will start to think wow, maybe I am really Belos because his death doesn’t shock me anymore. Cue endless anxiety spiral and new “testing” compulsions.

Feel free to tell me more ideas and I will add them to the list :)

[adhbabey]

Y'all its 3:33 in the morning and I gotta say like,

My ocd really fucking me up and it has been for a long time. Like, little things like checking notifications or like, compulsively liking posts, and like addictively getting attached to drama online and thinking it's my business when it's not.

That's the way it happens. I see a post talking about how if you do this thing, you're bad, and I latch onto it. I think, oh no, I have to prove I'm not bad. So I run my mouth, I ramble. I say, "hey, so..." yadda yadda. I am afraid of what other people might say, what others might think of me.

I ruin and self sabotage and hurt myself when I listen to the little voice in my head that says I need to make sure that I'm not a bad guy. That I'm good. That I am not evil. But I'm just encouraging my disorder, I'm just causing myself harm.

And it affects me bad, I dissociate or just feel fucking nauseous. It makes me feel like shit when I listen to those who say that I might be evil, bad, racist, ableist, homophobic, etc. That I'm wrong for minding my own business, that I'm wrong if I disagree.

One of the worst intrusive thoughts/obsessions/compulsions I face is race ocd, where I get racist thoughts or think I might be racist if I do one little thing that is wrong. But in reality, it's disordered thoughts, I love my partner, I love my friends, I don't wish them harm despite my intrusive thoughts. And often times it stops me from learning a new language, something I've been wanting to do for a long time. わたし　わ　ゆき　です！ I'm not very good yet, and I need to brush up on my katakana, and I don't even know if I wrote that right. But it's something I'm passionate about, despite my disorder telling me that I am wrong and evil and fucked up for learning.

In a world of pressure and purity culture and this mentality that has no room for mistakes, it can straight up destroy you. It's just wrong. This type of thing doesn't hold room for compassion and forces us into apathetic states of mind. In self hating and self destructive behaviors.

So, for this disability pride month, this summer, this year, and years moving forward, be kind to yourself. No more obsessively fixating on negative drama or news, or anything that someone says you must look at or listen to.

If you start to dissociate or get the feeling you want to scream and plug your ears, just stop looking at it and block them, unfollow them, close the app, don't look at it. No matter what they say, you're not horrible.

I don't paint myself as an almighty or a lawful good or morally pure person because sometimes I just want to kill people, I want to punch, I want to bite, I want to not care, I want to tell people to fuck off. But that still doesn't make me evil. It doesn't. I'm not as bad as that little voice that says so.

So free yourself. Goodbye little thought, you can't control me, you don't own me, I don't owe you anything. I know that's easier said than done. But no more apologizing for existing. This is what disabled pride is about. No more apologizing or making yourself small or pretending to agree when you don't. Fuck compulsions, fuck intrusive thoughts, you deserve to live.

[faerynova]

KAITO HAS OCD

Okay, a breakdown of OCD behaviors let’s go:

COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR

He immediately fixates on finding pandora+getting vengeance, cannot be convinced to do anything else to get to this goal except be Kaitou Kid as soon as he decides that’s the path he’ll take. He’s already got his plan, he’s NOT gonna deviate from it.

And he goes after gems that he already knows aren’t Pandora because he’s compelled to complete Kaitou Kid’s MO/rise to challenges.

(from DC ch.965, I pasted the panels together for the relevant bits)

He also goes after targets when OTHER people send notices. (see: chapters 11 and 14 of Magic Kaito.) Yeah he wasn’t the one who started it, but he WILL finish it.

There’s absolutely no rule that says he has to go through with every single heist notice that he or someone else sends! It’s just his own compulsion.

OVER-PLANNING: BACKUP PLANS OF BACKUP PLANS

OCD makes you doubt yourself: what you do, your surroundings, so you have to over-plan to make sure everything goes Just Right, or else there will be consequences. And with heists, there really will be! But assuming he’s got OCD then he feels like *everything* he does has consequences if it doesn’t go the way he planned.

So he’s over-prepared always!

Even when going to school, have you seen all the tricks he keeps up his sleeves just for casual pranks with his classmates? He’s always *always* ready to toss confetti everywhere! To disappear with a smoke bomb! To put a mask of his own face on a classmate to get away! He just carries these things around In Case he needs it!

He just has an entire magic arsenal with him at all times for no good reason, school and other mundane situations.

WAY MORE EXAMPLES AND ANALYSIS UNDER THE CUT:

So here’s some over-preparedness on heists:

(DC ch.1019)

He’s got calling cards made ahead of time to go along with whatever plan he ends up using-- and even though they say he “spontaneously” decided to act, having all those cards there means he DID have every single plan laid out for whichever he decided to do. He figured out which plan he needed to do, and acted accordingly.

(DC ch.963)

This is the one that really gets me. He brought enough disguises to be able to pick someone AT RANDOM to disguise as, and then he has an entire heist planned around the person he picked on a whim.

You could say he just improvises, but a lot of what Kaito does *has* to be planned out in advance. Yes he can knock someone out and steal their clothes for an impromptu disguise, but he still needs masks prepared-- and for disguising as Agasa which he does in this chapter, that’s a whole costume to get the body shape right! He just HAD THAT PREPARED. JUST IN CASE.

(MK ch.23)

Kaito for the love of God what on earth would you ever need to memorize this man’s driver’s license number for. This is a new level of over-prepared. Kaito how did you even memorize that number along with all the other nonsense you need to remember for heists and disguises.

And in the manga we see several times that when his plans go awry, his first reaction isn’t usually to improvise a new plan, but rather to yeet as fast as possible because his brain can’t deal with a plan being ruined. (like above)

AND OKAY MEMORIZING ALL THOSE NUMBERS ACTUALLY BRINGS ME TO MY NEXT POINT:

COUNTING

The above example isn’t technically counting, but it does lend to an obsession with numbers and being hardwired to just have them in the back of his mind without thinking about it.

Alternately, he may have just glanced at the drivers license while handing it over and memorized it on the spot! Counting it without even thinking about it! (Either way, holy shit.)

He can also quickly and accurately count how many people and objects are in a room-- or you know an entire building-- in a matter of seconds. And he remembers all of it!

(MK ch.28)

Okay I think that’s all of the canon examples I’ve got on hand?

So with all that, some OCD headcanons about the boy:

-He over-plans even in mundane situations like deciding what kind of ice cream to get at the store. He’s gotta think about what if his favorite and second favorite and third favorite flavors are out of stock, and how much each brand costs, and if he’s willing to go to another store to get his favorite flavor if they don’t have it, and how long it will take to go to another store and the different prices there-- he over-plans for everything *just in case*.

-He obsessively re-checks and over-checks plans. Gotta make sure everything is right for heists.

-Counts things repeatedly/on a loop when left alone with his thoughts, and often taps along with his counting which outwardly looks like fidgeting or boredom. (I also headcanon that he has ADHD as well, so the tapping looks like a stimmy adhd thing)

-Pretty bad anxiety about messing up/consequences/break in routine, but hey live and die by the poker face, so no one knows it.

-He’s got rituals/routines to calm himself down that he doesn’t even realize are rituals: mindlessly shuffling or counting cards; tracing the scars/creases/etc on his hands, tapping/counting. (more things that just look like stimming basically)

-He also has a rewriting/redrawing habit. Mostly with his Kaitou Kid doodle, but he’ll do it with words too. His school notes have a lot of repetition because sometimes a word feels wrong so he’ll just rewrite it (sometimes several times) before he moves on with the rest of his notes.

-He plans his entire days ahead of time with a list in his head down to really stupid details.

-Yes this includes branching possibilities for different things that might happen that day. Backup plans of backup plans!

-On days where he’s feeling bad or can’t get his thoughts in order, he’ll take the list to paper so he can double check it as the day goes on. He always feels better if he has a plan he can check back on, mental or physical.

-Most importantly, he has absolutely no idea he’s got OCD. He assumes all of this is just normal behavior for an entertainer and a thief. Of course he pays attention to how many people are in a room and how it’s laid out, he’s in the habit of casing places. Of course he’s got 143 plans laid out for the day, it’s only practical that he knows what he’s gonna do. Of course he checks his heist plans two dozen times in the same night, he can’t afford to mess this up!

Anyway that’s all I’ve got for now love y’all byyye.

[sugar-and-spite]

thank you so much for your response!! hearing from someone with both is really helpful for me!

what made me start thinking about it recently was some conflict with my siblings over the front door. i want it to be locked overnight; they like to go out on late walks, and as we all have adhd, they forget to bring their keys. i've locked them out and had to go open the door for them more than once now. i started thinking about why i wanted the door locked so badly. we live in a safe neighborhood, and we've generally left it unlocked most of the time for years and nothing bad has happened. but when it comes to it being locked overnight, i get incredibly anxious if i don't know it's locked (and i've lost sleep over it), and most nights i'll check it upwards of five times a night to make sure it's really locked.

that got me thinking about other things i do in sort of the same vein. i refuse to wash dirty dishes, for example, and if i even so much as open the dishwasher while it's dirty, i feel compelled to immediately wash my hands - and if they don't "feel" clean after, i'll wash them over and over in progressively warmer water until they do. sometimes i'll wash my entire forearms or, in extreme cases, take a shower and change into entirely clean clothes in the middle of the day, if i feel like i'm dirty.

i didn't know until recently that intrusive thoughts were also part of ocd, but i've had those much longer than any of these other symptoms - my intense worries about horrible things happening to me or people around me and my self-soothing routines in response to those worries were always categorized by my psychiatrists as part of my GAD, when i was younger.

i do also think, like you said, that a lot of the compulsive behaviors i experience have gotten worse in response to my adhd - i didn't really start obsessively checking the door until a few months ago, and the hand washing and other things have only been happening for a few years. i've definitely had these intrusive thoughts all my life, though, i just had no idea until literally this week that intrusive thoughts are one of the hallmarks of OCD.

and i guess the reasons i'm doubtful are twofold - first, that my symptoms didn't start getting worse until very recently, and secondly, that i always thought my compulsions weren't "bad enough" to be OCD, i guess? like, sure, i'm washing my hands maybe three or four or five times in a row after touching a dirty dish, and sometimes with water so hot that it burns me, but people with real OCD would be washing their hands like, a hundred times a day, right? (i do know that people with more "mild" OCD exist - i'm just struggling to convince my brain that i could be one of them 😹)

in the end, i think that whether these symptoms are from OCD or not, they're causing disruption in my life, so i'm working on getting in with a psychiatrist to talk about them and get diagnosed for whatever this is. but it is really good to know that it can be comorbid with ADHD! my mom seemed to doubt that i could have OCD when i brought it up because my ADHD makes me forgetful and disorganized, as ADHD tends to do - she pointed out that my room is a mess and it doesn't bother me. but i also don't know if she really knows that OCD isn't necessarily about a need for organization or tidiness.

i've been considering recently that i might have ocd, but i'm like. not sure it's even possible to have both ocd and adhd? i've tried doing a bit of research on it but i can't find anything definitive - just that they have almost exact opposite patterns of brain activity. like, there's definitely something going on with me but i definitely, absolutely have adhd, so if it's not possible to have that and ocd then this must not be ocd??? idk

[gemsmain]

OCD or Alters?

I have OCD as well as OSDD-1b, and for a while I've struggled with being able to tell if an alter is trying to communicate, or if it's my OCD. Since I've seen other people struggling with this too, I'll write out how I've learned to deal with it. (If anyone has additional tips, feel free to add on!)

‎

1. How does it feel?

This can be tricky and isn't a hard science, but I've noticed that when I get anxious, feel guilty, feel my stomach and arms tightening up, and feel the compulsive need to do something to alleviate the guilt/worry, then that's probably OCD.

Occasionally it might have a bit of truth in it, but my OCD is blowing it out of proportion-- for example, if I know an alter is uncomfortable with a subject, my OCD might want me to keep checking on them (or it might trick me into thinking they're telling me to avoid it). Expanding on this example, this is usually what's actually going on in these situations:

a) they weren't paying attention

b) they were feeling a little anxious, but would rather I keep doing what I'm doing (several of my alters pointed out that when I try to avoid stuff that makes them anxious, they end up getting more anxious about it, so they want me to try and relax about it and not concern myself with trying to avoid things for their sake)

‎

2. When does it come up?

When I'm just doing my own thing, and I feel those anxious signals, or I feel the need to check/investigate/strain to hear an alter, it seems to be one of two things:

a) it's my OCD (most common)

b) the signals are coming from an alter, but it's something the system isn't comfortable communicating yet, and it's best to assume it's OCD and let it go (because trying to investigate it, in my experience, won't do any good if the system isn't ready, and trying to investigate has just resulted in feeding OCD or developing an obsession around the occurrence)

(when it's option b, for us at least, there's typically other things going on as well: feeling spacey or detached, motor tics, feeling the sudden urge to fight or flee or dissociate from my body, feeling a foreign emotion that isn't normally associated with OCD feelings (i.e. intense anger that I don't fully understand or that doesn't feel like mine)

On the other hand, when an alter brings it up to me of their own accord, without me having to investigate or check or strain for an answer, that's when it's them.

I know this can be a bit tricky, because sometimes alters may not know how to bring things up directly. The solution to this seems to be learning how to better communicate with each other, which is a big topic that is best suited for another post. But again, in my experience, trying to solve it by compulsively checking / straining / investigating / avoiding only makes communication more muddled.

‎

3. Teamwork

In our case, it's sometimes difficult for my alters to know the difference as well. The solution we've come to is basically this:

"I honestly don't know how I feel about it right now. I don't know if some part of me was actually sending signals or not. For now, I want you to treat it as any other OCD compulsion, and act with the assumption that it is not me. If I find out later that I do need to talk with you about it, then I'll do so, but I won't do it by randomly sending signals in that manner. Let's give it a good while of treating it like a compulsion."

‎

Final note:

Gonna clarify my use of the word "investigate".

Reflecting on behaviors, feelings, turning points, patterns, what has or hasn't helped, etc, is the type of investigating that may be helpful, and is often encouraged by therapists. (Within limits, of course--sometimes I over-analyze, which begins to be less helpful, but I digress.)

But when I obsessively try to figure out things that have not been revealed to me (i.e. "do I have repressed memories about this?", "is a hidden-away alter trying to tell me something?", "was that voice an alter?"), and I feel the compulsive need to check and over-analyze and I get really anxious and focused on it, that's the type of investigation that's connected to unhealthy OCD behaviors.

[shattered-catalyst]

Intro to OCD for the RPC part 1/?

This is a balmy 6 page document on the VERY BASICS of OCD by a person who has had OCD for over 15 years and knows their shit.

If you want to write a character who has OCD this series is going to be a good starting point. If you dont know much about OCD I encourage you to read it so you can be an ally to those of us who have the disorder.

OCD is made into a cultural joke and when there isnt the ‘Obsessive Cat disorder’ bullshit its an angst off with other people and their non-ocd intrusive thoughts. Its different. Do your research and be an ally.

This will cover the very very basics. The next post will look into subtypes of OCD and how those are experienced.

 Whomst can write it? 

Literally anyone as long as you 

● Do so respectfully and not make a mockery of the disorder and the harm it causes in peoples lives 

● Dont make OCD the characters single thing or boil them down to it entirely ● Do respect the experiences and opinions of muns who have the disorder if they have concerns about your portrayal.

● Dont milk it for angst - unless you have OCD in which case release some of your angst.

● Dont try and say you know what intrusive thoughts are because they have *insert any other neuro a-typical thing here* 

● Dont police how Muns who have OCD choose to portray it. Its our experience not yours. I like to write out my characters OCD as I experience OCD so my experiences are different from other muns. OCD is very diverse in its effects but always ask if you arent sure.

. What isnt OCD? 

● Cleanliness or organization- OCD is NEVER an adjective. 

● Planning/ Hypervigilance/Organized/Methodical 

● Turning light switches on and off, unplugging things (find out more on later time)

 ● “I have to organize my pencils otherwise it bothers me” “ I have to make sure my mattress is straight” “ my nails have to be the same length” are all typical responses from people WHO DO NOT have OCD. 

● Making sure objects are lined up neatly 

● Having things go in a particular order like the letters CDO as the joke goes

● Really loving Cats, Corgis, or Christmas; if you own any of these items i urge you to reflect and also send me 10$ (jk but do reflect)

The Barest minimum 

Google OCD this will be an advanced version of OCD. This will be long but if you want to be aware of others or want to write the character you will read it. 

OCD is made of Obsessions. Triggers. Anxiety, Compulsions/Rituals.

1. Obsessions are the thoughts 

2. Triggers are the object/person/image/situation/smell ETC 

3. The Anxiety occurs is at uncomfortable levels to the point of panic or anxiety attacks

 4. Compulsions or Rituals are performed 

*There is a variant of OCD called Pure O. In this individuals have the obsessions triggers and anxiety but there is NO compulsion or ritual. This is still valid OCD. 

Obsessions are the precursors to the flawed unwanted and harmful intrusive thoughts: 

Im going to use you so you really understand this because its important.If you misunderstand this you are basically encouraging a mental health condition and dont get a sticker for reading this far. 

First check out this link as it has ALL the subtypes and examples. 

Obsessions can be hidden by the intrusive thought and teasing them out can be difficult to do if you have the disorder because well its a disorder okay thats why. It boils down to ‘i could harm someone’ ‘i could cause harm’ ‘ i may have accidentally harmed ___’ ‘ i may accidentally harm’ etc 

This is the flawed powerful belief that predate the Intrusive Thought. 

Intrusive thoughts appear in every brain on earth. They are not special or unusual however intrusive thoughts with OCD get stuck in the brain- meaning they stay there no matter what you do. So yes , they are different from intrusive thoughts in other conditions. 

The thing about OCD is that it latches on to what you hold dear; it may be you are a caring person and love children and animals- your OCD would give you intrusive violent or sexual thoughts or images. These are horrible to experience. They are not welcome nor appreciated and there is no benefit or positive side to having them. 

If say social justice is something you hold dear your ocd may take the form of intrusive thoughts of slurs, jokes, visuals etc. These are horrible to experience and lead to high levels of anxiety and are not positive nor beneficial to have in any way shape or form. 

Maybe you would not harm someone or you value others; your OCD may present as graphic intrusive images or thoughts around poisoning, stabbing,accidental..ly murdering (yeah you read that right), hitting, insulting etc someone else 

I must emphasize this because it is critical that people understand POCD: for the sake of those of us who have OCD read this until its burned into your brain. 

This is the fucked up awful Obsessive thought that you are/were/ or could be sexually attracted to children. This is NOT pedophilia. People kill themselves over this because they are afraid that these intrusive thoughts are true. People isolate themselves and dont have families out of fear of harming a child. People take work in different fields or avoid areas with children out of the absolute terror their obsessive thoughts could be true. This is NOT pedophilia. There is NO attraction present.

Most people who experience POCD intrusive thoughts would rather punch a sharknado than even THINK of hurting a kid in any way shape or form. That is why the OCD does its thing it is like having an abusive brain. 

Again for clarity's sake 

If you value social justice -> the intrusive thoughts violate social justice stuff 

If you value animals -> intrusive thoughts come up with harming animals 

If you care about the protection and safety of children -> POCD 

Triggers would be the situation, scenario, object, person,creature, context etc that is related to the Obsession. It can be literally anything. 

What follows is a hell of a lot of anxiety that can range anywhere from discomfort to full on panic attacks. 

Everyone has different intrusive thoughts and everyone experiences different amounts of distress upon being triggered. 

● As a side bar. Do not ever try and expose someone to their triggers or write about a character being exposed to their triggers as a way to help ‘cure them’ or ‘expose them’ to ANYTHING. What you are doing is literally taking someone with a mental illness and shoving them into a breakdown and thats a piece of shit move. Exposure therapy does exist and is done by professionals TRAINED in ERP. My parents did this a lot and I am positive I am not alone in that experience. 

Compulsions or Rituals: Now you may be saying ‘hey i know what those are’ yeah dude me too and I have had ocd for over 15 years and trained in mental health for 7 and guess what. They teach ya wrong. 

Compulsions or ‘rituals’ are any behavior done to alleviate the anxiety from the intrusive thought and trigger object. 

This can be as passive as ‘i am leaving the room’ ‘ i am checking my body sensations’ ‘ i am trying SO HARD TO HEAR MY HEARTBEAT’ .

 It can also be repeating the same thing over and over. To illustrate this I once mentally chanted the same song lyric line on a 3 hour plane ride because otherwise we were all going to die. I took one for the whole team.

It can be somatic things like counting your heart beats, focusing on your breathing, swallowing, staring and not blinking for so many seconds. 

It can be readjusting clothing until the seams fit. It can be checking god yes checking IK its a common trope but it IS a compulsion that has ruined my life and can be as passive as checking my reality or texting for proof my cat is still alive. It can also be checking yourself for assurance you wouldnt do the intrusive thought or that the intrusive thought isnt going to happen.

Compulsions are mentally painful and sometimes physically painful; 

● Washing your hands with scalding water for 5+ minutes can lead to horribly dry and cracking skin to down right BURNS.

● If you do the same movement you can mess up joints and ligaments. So if you pray constantly you may have knee issues from standing and kneeling.

● If your compulsion has you doing movement against an object ie say gripping and regripping something you get callouses. 

● If you compulsively exercise you may get trapped doing something above a healthy amount or say going from not working out to running a five minute mile and wiping out on a treadmill because your brain demanded it. Totally didnt do that... 

● If your compulsions make you rub against any object you can get friction burns and scars. 

To put this in perspective 15 years of compulsions have left my hands and finger joints a complete mess, damaged my arm tendons, friction scars on my arms that only now faded, and scars on my legs from doing too much of an activity. 

Its not lmao I gotta fix these pencils its real agony and real torture. 

In short compulsions and rituals are not fun they are absolutely not logical, and we know they are not logical but we are forced to do them. Thats why its a disorder. 

OCD disrupts relationships with social components such as ; 

Obsessively checking in with partner/friend if things are ‘okay’ (this feels horrible to do too fyi like you KNOW things are fine but you cant NOT because the anxiety is SO BAD), 

Relationship OCD is a WHOLE category itself! this ties into sexuality OCD where your obsessive thoughts prey on your sexuality (regardless of your orientation), your relationship, cheating or being disloyal etc.

OCD causes significant withdrawal from others, fears of being a monster, intense guilt over intrusive thoughts, disgust with yourself over the intrusive thoughts sometimes leading to self punishment. 

OCD leads to strange behavior which more often than not leads to bullying and ostracization. To exemplify this I have an intrusive thought that I have stolen something when I am inside stores, my check-check-check-check-check-recheck! of my pockets gets me store security called so often its criminal.

OCD limits activities that may expose them to triggers or influenced by intrusive thoughts ie: not being able to take the train to work or only getting off at bus stops with even numbers.

OCD impacts where they spend time, who they associate with, what jobs they take or even if they have a family or not

OCD leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and fear over having intrusive thoughts or images that they experience which causes them to socially isolate or have difficulty in social situations. 

OCD leads to Hyperfixation: like a lot of other things but thankfully it is just hyperfixation and not different from other diagnoses. 

OCD leads to rigidity or structured routines: I have listened to the same CD in my car for 5 years now. Every single day. 5 Years.And Im not okay with that. 

OCD impacts standards we hold ourselves to and others: its like regular perfectionism but like add on 5 extra layers of anxiety! 

OCD according to NIMH statistics 

1.2% Occurrence among US adults 

2.3% Lifetime Prevalence among US adults 

34.8% Of Adults who have OCD suffer moderate impairment to daily functioning 50.6% of Adults who have OCD suffer serious impairment to daily functioning

OCD has strong co-morbidity with the following:

Tourettes Syndrome- is a genetic friend of OCD and if you have tourettes or OCD your chances of having someone else in the family is high

ADHD

Autism 

GAD

Eating Disorders

Depression - this is a big one along with low self esteem because of the intrusive thoughts

Writers like to make jokes about characters “being OCD” well now they have clinical OCD and you should consider fleshing out your character with this information just as you would any other disorder.

Batman (DC)

Riddler (?)(DC)

Domino (Marvel)

 Cyclops (Marvel)