#the merc can do some damage

[rebelliousstories]

Different Time

Relationship: Remy LeBeau/Gambit x Reader

Fandom: X-Men

Request: Yes by Anon

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, Mentions of Blood and Violence, Strong Language, Happy Endings

Word Count: 2,358

Main Masterlist: Here

X-Men Masterlist: Here

Summary: Being dragged into the Void by your good buddy Wade was not how you imagined to be spending your days after your lover had died.

A single card was fixed between her fingers as she walked behind the other two people on their journey. There was silence all around the trio as they walked through the field. She did not pay attention to what was being said, nor did she care very much. If it was of any importance to her, they would let her know.

Before she knew what was going on, a dog was running straight for them. But the man with long, flowing locks that was running behind made her finger tingle with energy. After Deadpool and the Wolverine ahead of her did not move to attack the man, she let that energy fizzle out. Not that it would have done much damage anyways. It was getting harder and harder to remember what it was like. And yet, she could see it so clearly in her mind; the first time he had shown her what he could do.

“So what can you do exactly? You just throw cards at people?”

“Nah, cher,” his hands came up to hold a card between his fingers, “is much more den dat. I charge da playin’ cards wit energy. And den dey go boom.” His chuckle followed shortly afterwards.

“Is that so huh?” She chuckled as well. But the man just smiled, and wrapped his arms around her anyways.

“See is like dis, cher. Watch and learn.”

With his arms around her, he held an ace of hearts. Flicking it in the air caused a pink glow to encompass it. She giggled as he swiped the card from the sky, and touched it to her skin. The resulting kinetic energy made her entire body jolt, but the man kept her grounded as it flowed through each and every muscle.

“Feel dat, cher?” His breath fanned across her cheek as she rested against his chest. Once she had recovered, she held her hand and felt the card laid in her palm. Flipping it over through her fingers, she managed to produce a glow and a light crackling energy field around the object.

“Atta girl, cher.” A kiss was laid upon her cheek, and she felt the day old scruff rub against the crook of her neck.

“You comin’, bub?” A gruff voice pulled her out of her thoughts. Snapping into reality, the three men in front of her were looking like they were off to go somewhere.

“Apologies,” came her reply.

“Did we just miss some exposition about you? I feel like we just missed a vital flashback into your tragic backstory. Besides, I would like to find out what you do exactly. We’ve never gotten a clear answer. You just sort of do everything, like Taylor Swift.” Wade was having none of her dismissal.

“What are you talking about?” She was utterly confused, but Logan waved the red menace of off.

“Don’t pay him any mind. Come on, let’s go.” They all made the trek out to the dense corn that housed an old Honda Odyssey, which made the merc in red pitch a hissy fit.

“Get in the fucking car.” Logan snapped at Wade, utterly feed up with his antics. Before being prompted, she threw open the side door and climbed n the back. She watched as Deadpool tried to run off with the sweet little pup that had found them, but Wolverine put a very fast stop to that. Defeated, Wade climbed in the passenger seat, while Logan went in the driver’s, and they were off.

Somewhere along the way, she must have dozed off. That was the only explanation for the memory she was experiencing right now. Except, she was not exactly experiencing it as t had happened. No, she was watching it from an outsider’s perspective.

The first thing she saw, was a dingy old motel room floor. And the next, was laughing. Looking up, she saw them. It was her, and her beau play fighting on the bed of the motel room.

“Now, you know bettah den to play dirty, cher. Ain’t no coyon, ya know?” Her lover had trapped her arms to her body, and was smiling as big as ever. Plush lips stretched across his face. Hazel eyes twinkled brightly.

“Didn’t hear you complaining about me playing dirty last night,” she teased. Turning in his arms, she looked up at her lover with nothing but adoration.

“Well, Gambit seems to remember you not complainin’ neither.” His lips came down onto hers.

Watching from her spot near the dresser, the future her could still feel the wonderful pressure of their kiss. Tracing her fingers over her own, melancholy filled her heart. He looked so alive in this moment. A moment that she cherished with her whole being.

“Ahh!”

Something far less pleasant awoke her this time from her thoughts. One of Wade’s knives had lodged itself in her shin. Blood steadily poured itself from the wound. And the world fell still for a moment. Raising her eyes, she felt herself shaking in anger and pain as Deadpool met her gaze.

“Oh no. Oh, I am so sorry.” He wheezed. But it was too late.

Her other leg raised and kicked him hard in the head. While he was disoriented, her mind contorted the blade that was in his hands; even the hand that was holding the knife began to bend and break. Holding her knee, she made herself fall through the car and onto the ground below.

“Where’d she go? Magic woman.” She heard Deadpool exclaim loudly. It was followed by a growl and a squeak. And the car started to rock with the force that they were going at each other.

Rolling to her right, she got out from underneath the vehicle before someone sent a blade through to her again. Releasing her leg, she crawled on her belly over to a tree that was still facing the car. Her forearms were covered in dirt and leaves now, as were the entire lower half of her body. While keeping an eye on the Odyssey, she worked to remove her boots and rolled up the pants from her injured leg. She could see the wound eventually and worked to clear her mind.

Regenerating always took a lot from her. It took a lot physically and mentally from her, but she could get it done. Groans slipped from her lips as she could feel her skin, muscles, and even veins being to stitch themselves together. A scar was all that was left in the place of the stab wound. The woman rested against the large piece of wood behind her and watched through blackening vision as both men were thrown through the car, and jumped back in with fervor.

That was the image that she passed out to. That was the last thing in the real world that she saw. She was not sure how much time had passed between her passing out, and when she woke up. But she immediately recognized that she was not where she was before. There were stone walls all around her, and she was lying down on a bed. Before sitting up, she looked and could see Logan with a bottle of liquor to her right.

Voices were muffled all around her. She could not pin point a specific one, but something felt off. Like someone or something was there, and how that was supposed to make her feel, she did not know. Groaning, she sat up and caught the attention of everyone else that was talking. One person much more than anyone else. A familiar drawl called out her name, and her body filled with dread. Footsteps came closer, and the muffs came off from her ear.

“Cher, that you?” Her heart sped up and it felt like it was beating out of her chest. A hand came to her shoulder, but she was not having whatever weird illusion this was. Grabbing whoever’s wrist this was, she used her body weight and center of gravity to pivot the person onto their back on the floor beside the bed she was on.

Staring down, her heart stopped. This was her beau. Remy was staring up at her with wide eyes. Letting out a shaking breath, her hands let go of the man as if he had burned her and stood upon shaking legs. The man on the ground was not doing much better than her. He stood just as quickly, and looked at the woman just the same.

“Oh, thank you Lord. It is you.” He whispered, taking a step closer. But her hand shot up to stop him from getting closer.

“Don’t. Who the hell are you? And what are you doing with that suit on?” She demanded, and watched the confusion sink in.

“Cher, it’s me. It’s your Gambit. I’m jus’ wonderin’ how in da hell you here now.” Remy breathed.

“Oh my god!” Everyone’s attention was brought to Deadpool who was wide eyed in his mask. “This is your tragic backstory. You and him…”

“I need some air.” She turned on her heels, and phased through her wall till she was outside in the forest. Outside, she tried to draw in a deep breath, but found her body starting to seize. Everything got too much. Shaky limbs and sweaty palms found themselves crashing onto the forest floor. She tried to breathe in again but only managed half a breath. Her heart was beating out of her chest. The world began to spin.

“Ay, ay, you alright, cher. Come ‘ere. Let’s settle on down now, ya.” Thick arms encompassed her. They grounded her back to reality. As Remy kept whispering soothing words, she felt her world come back into focus. Her heart slowed down and was now moving at a steady rhythm. She was following Remy’s lead on her breaths; in through the nose for four, hold for four, out for four. Her arms and legs were soothing themselves out and she was able to wipe off her palms onto the legs of her suit.

“Dat’s a good girl, now. Ain’t no reason to be like dat. Just a little frightenin’ is all. Didn’ mean to.” He was apologizing for scaring her? After she had thrown him to the ground and walked out on everyone? Those arms felt so familiar and comforting; she did not want to move rom them. But she had to face this man. She had to know. Turning, her eyes finally came up close and personal with the man that had introduced himself as Gambit, Remy LeBeau.

“You good now, cher? Feelin’ a little bettah?” Even after all of this, he was still so caring.

“Yeah. How are you alive?” She whispered, tracing her eyes over every inch of his face like this was the last time she was going to see it. Because it just might.

“I been wonderin’ da same thing. Don’t know how long I been in dis here Void, but you was gone long before I got here.” One of his hands came up and pet her head so very softly.

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours?” Her attempt at a joke made the Cajun chuckle as well. Sure, both of their laughs were tinged with sadness, but they were laughing together again.

“Well, I uh-” he stammered, trying to find the right words, “was out playin’ cards. Got a feelin’ dat somethin’ was wrong. Went back to the apartment we was stayin’ in. And you… you were gone when I got there. Tracked down who had killed ya, and it turned out to be my ol’ thievin’ ring. Didn’ like da fact dat we was ‘bout to get outta da game apparently. Da hardest thing Remy ever done was buryin’ you. Easiest was killin’ da sons o’ bitches dat took you from me.”

Silence enveloped them as the weight of his words sunk in.

“Something very similar happened in my timeline.” She replied, watching as he seemed to going through the same emotions she was.

“We were on our way back from a mission for Xavier. You and I were with Jean, Scott, and Storm. God, she was making so many jokes about how she was the fifth wheel on that mission and we were making it worse for her. Anyways, we got ambushed by the Brotherhood. We were actually taking out a good chunk of them, but Sabertooth got the drop on you. You bled out in my arms on the way back to the mansion. You had me promise not to do anything rash in the aftermath, but it was difficult.”

Tears welled in both of their eyes. Both of them mourning a love and life lost in tragic fashion. Remy pulled her in close, and she breathed in deeply. That familiar leather and musk scent blended with the fresh air outside. She just wanted that scent bottled up and kept with her at all times.

“So it seems to ol’ Gambit dat we both lost our other half. Maybe you was supposed to be the one that completed my deck, cher.” Her head raised and her eyebrow as she turned to look at the man in confusion.

“You’ve got an incomplete deck,” came her question. She began feeling around for a pocket in her jacket that was directly over her heart.

“Jus’ missin’ one card. Whatchu lookin’ for?” He questioned, letting her move around freely.

“Get your deck out,” his eyebrows raised. “Your card deck, Gambit. Humor me.”

“Whatevea you say, cher.”

The duo shifted until their respective items were grabbed. Remy produced a deck of cards and quickly rearranged them to be in card order. Her card was in between her first two fingers. As Gambit sifted through his deck, he stopped right where a card was missing. And as she revealed what was in her hands, the two suddenly looked at each other with love and tears. Her ace of hearts was missing from his deck, but he had finally found it again. It was a different time, different place, even a different person, but it was the same love that spanned the multiverse.

[a-leg-without-fear]

Threesome🔥

going a bit off script on day 2 because i'm a HEATHEN anyway enjoy

Ship: Worst!Logan Howlett x f!Reader x Wade Wilson

Rating: 18+

Wordcount: 776

Warnings: cursing, smut, threesome, Wade Wilson is his own warning, unprotected PiV, anal (f!receiving), use of petnames, kissing, cocaine mention

Series: Leg's Tuna Tober

Your mind was fucking shattered.

Deep, guttural grunts rumbled from Logan beneath you with every deliberate thrust. Sharp canines scraped along your overheated skin. Whispers of "you're doing so good, baby" filtered from between his clenched teeth. His sweat-drenched skin was nearly sticking to yours due to your proximity. Barely a centimeter of space was left between the two of you.

It didn't help that Wade was on top of you, thrusting into you from behind, bearing his full weight on you as his hands fisted in the sheets. His wet tongue traced down your spine. Shivers erupted across your back in brutal waves.

"That's a good girl. Taking us so well. Isn't she, Wolvie?" Wade mused, voice muffled from where his lips connected with your skin. You gasped as a quick hitch in Wade's thrust nearly jostled Logan out of you.

"Watch it, red," Logan growled quietly. His large palms clung to your hips in near desperation. Gripping at your skin so tight you knew there'd be bruises in the morning. Not that you minded.

A light laugh rumbled against your back, "Feeling possessive, are we, Lo? Afraid I'll take our sunflower away from you?"

"Just shut up and fuck her, will you?" Logan said over your shoulder. He pressed a quick "sorry" behind your ear with a gentle kiss. You couldn't help the quiet moan that leaked from your throat.

"Let's make a game of it, shall we?" was all the warning Wade gave before he suddenly pulled out. You whined at how empty you now felt, craving both of them inside you every waking moment of your life. Wade ran a gentle hand down your back, "Shh, it's alright, angel cakes. I just wanna see if Lo-Lo's up to the task."

"The fuck is wrong with you, Wade?" Logan asked, propping himself up on his elbows to throw the merc a heavy glare. Now no one was focused on fucking you. You muttered obscenities under your breath as you buried your nose in Logan's shoulder. These two couldn't stop bickering for five minutes, let alone a whole night with just the three of you.

"I just wanted to challenge you, Mr.Not-a-Duke. Which of us do you think can make our sunbeam here come the fastest?" Wade offered with a cocky grin you could hear.

Logan scoffed, shaking his head, "I think you already know the answer to that."

"Yeah, and it'd be me," Wade returned.

"You must've taken some brain damage, because you know it'd be me," Logan bit back.

You groaned against Logan's neck, then nipped at the thin skin under his jaw, "Will someone please just fuck me?"

A shudder rolled over Logan's shoulders. He peered down at you through narrowed eyes. You could practically feel the seconds tick by as he remained still, just staring at you. Unease settled around your ribs. Logan was an impossible man to read, even at the best of times. When his pupils were blown, chest rising and falling with heavy breaths, and his cock was inside you, it was even more difficult to gauge what he was thinking.

"Start a timer," he instructed Wade, gaze never leaving you. Arousal reignited in your abdomen like a stoked bonfire.

"Yes sir," Wade said with a wide smile. You heard rustling behind you as Wade grabbed one of the three phones on the nightstand.

The world spun without warning as you were flipped on your back. A gust of air shot from your lungs at the impact with the bed. Soft lips brushed along the skin under the hinge of your jaw.

"Go easy on me, huh? Wanna prove Wade wrong," Logan whispered in your ear. Flames licked at your skin, goosebumps rising in the wake of the Wolverine's gentle touch. Callused fingers grazed over you as light as feathers.

"I haven't started the timer yet, cheater! Any more unsportsmanlike behavior and I'll lock you out," Wade groused loudly. Logan breathed a chuckle along your collarbone.

"I'll just break the door down," he said as he threw you a wink. It took every bone in your body to keep your eyes from rolling back in your head.

"Break another door and Blind Al'll hide the cocaine again. When she hides shit, that stuff stays gone," Wade mumbled indignantly. Logan ignored the merc, fingers trailing ever-so slowly down your sensitive skin. A choked moan kicked out of your chest when Logan's thigh brushed against your swollen clit. Wade's wrinkled hand entered your periphery as he tapped on Logan's cheek, "Did you hear me, resident senior citizen? No cheating!"

It was going to be a long, long night.

may need to continue this in a future fic...

taglist: @ripleyswife @just-a-nightdreamer @venomqueen2002 @c1eepypas1a @www-interludeshadow-com

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[rex101111]

Things that happen within the first few hours of AC6:

1. You get shot with a huge-ass laser mid-atmosphere entry. You barely survive this, landing several miles away from your intended landing zone.  Welcome to Rubicon 3.

2. You have a mech built with bargain bin parts, barely held together with hope and spite. It has a energy sword though, so that’s nice.

3. Not even two seconds after your, very rough, landing, you get a call from your “Handler”. He is ostensibly in charge of your well-being. This begins and ends with him sending you off on missions he’s fairly certain you’ll survive and charges you for the damage you get to your mech, the bullets you use, and he’s also cut out a piece of your brain to put in augmentations that will make you a slightly better mech pilot. In the top Most Horrible People On This Planet contest, he wouldn’t make it to the top 10.

4. You make your way through a derelict hunk of junk that’s threatening to collapse on top of you. Not even two minutes into this journey, you’re getting shot at with missiles. 

5. You finally reach your intended destination, a burning husk of a city filled with scavengers and low lives who will shoot you on sight. You are here to grave rob.

6. The reason you are grave robbing is connected to the fact you got shot in orbit, you are here illegally, and you need to find a license from any fresh corpse so you can steal the identity on it and be able to do mercenary work.

7. You go through four corpses before you find one with a license that can pass muster.

8. Mid corpse robbing a gunship sent by The Space Police spots you and you have to shot it down so it can’t kill you or, even worse, stop you from stealing the identity you just found. 

9. As soon as you get registered in the Mercenary Rolodex, which takes less then a second of an A.I taking a look and saying “alright checks out”, you have two missions. One of them has you killing a bunch of resistance fighters from the planet’s native population on behalf of a weapons company that really wants to do business here. 10. The next mission has you going to a base owned by that very same company and blowing up everything you can find there. This does not anger that company one bit, if anything it just convinces them you are a very thorough worker. 11. Very shortly after that, you are tasked with destroying a prototype mech by another company before it can get into mass production. That mech is being piloted by what can only be described as an Anime Protag who is in the worst possible franchise for his type of character. You can murder him in less then two minutes if you know what you’re doing. You can hear him desperately fight for his life the entire time. 12. After that, before you even get to clean the blood and oil and broken dreams off your robot, you get a call from a merc group leader saying that he’s seen you murder that guy real good, a guy who was auditioning to join his group, and likes the cut of your jib. He gives you the callsign he was gonna give Anime Protag before you blew him the fuck up. He laughs and tells you to be careful since it’s an unlucky number. This is the least morally repugnant thing you’ll do all game.   

13. A while after that, you go into a power plant and destroy the generator, it promptly blasts you in the face with the red radioactive Super Fuel that toasted this planet a few years back.

14. You survive, somehow, and you get a disembodied voice of some girl in your ear. You tell your handler about this and he just shrugs it off with “oh yeah that’s probably a symptom of the lobotomy, don’t worry about it”. The voice is probably the most moral person on this fire blasted hell scape of a planet.

[goblin-enjoyer]

Normalize the tf2 mercs as being absolute genetic freaks of nature under the hood. Medic is crazy and we know he gets paid good so he’s probably got lots of bits in his bin if you know what I mean.

Pyro is straight up nonhuman. Pyro is a fire elemental that the Mann brothers have bound to a hazmat suit and medic made a real boy by giving them meat. Not making her a human body mind you, but rather every time he gets damaged, instead of bursting into flames meat forms around the wound and it bleeds instead of letting the inner crea tur out.how? Wizard. Moving on.

Soldier has massive lungs that make him 20% more louder. If he was smarter he could probably echolocate his way around. That or sound attacks idk he eats wizard pills he could have hollow bones for all I know. Sure he has hallow bones now for rocket jumping. Im the one typing I get to make nonsense on the fly.

Medic put pigeon dna in scout and that’s how he makes his trademark milk-like substance. How this happens you may ask? Scout saw medics doves have sex while getting his second Uber heart surgery and said “man I wish I could pick up chicks that well” and medic said “good idea I will help you with this” and then looked at the camera and smirked. The administrator does not spectate medics lab/operation room/dove breeding center anymore. Also scouts immune to radiation due to all the bonk he ingests, though sometimes he does become radioactive sometimes. 

We already know that demoman’s body creates alcohol and that he has a ghost eye, but did you know that if you shoot him with some sort of piercing explosive round he will combust into flames. I… I couldn’t really think of anything for demoman I don’t play him as much.

Engineer always wishes he could have kids, but doesn’t want to have sex. That and he removed most of his reproductive/unnecessary/extra/mid organs with machine parts like 30 years ago. So after the events of the games and comics where everyone is happy and junk, he teams up with medic to make himself some half robot half human half whatever dell conagher is at that point at time children. He asks if medic ever want kids he can do the same for him but he declines as at this point in time he has perfected the art of male impregnation.(on various ape parts) dell is a great father and yes I added this part because the whole humanized sentry thing that went around a while ago touched my heart because despite the words of almost every engineer main everywhere I get so attached to the sentries I build that I die a little bit inside every time I die and my buildings get sapped and I have to just watch as my babies get destroyed. I get too attached to my buildings to play engineer

Heavy doesn’t stop growing, similar to that of a reptile. His skin is as thick as a rhinos. He hibernates for a month in summer because I said so. He has accidentally killed/crushed medic before and is now eternally cautious when in bed with him. Medic doesn’t mind, he knows what he’s gotten himself into. Heavy can also talk to birds like a Disney princess. Medic didn’t add any bird parts for this to happen he just was always like this.

Sniper can dislocate every bone in his body and go through cracks that are at least the size of his head. He will use this to show up in the most unexpected places imaginable. Is legally classified as an tardigrade in some places due to his ability to be fine in almost any place (volcano,Arctic,sewer system, a walk in closet so large it took him 5 weeks to get out, space that one time). Can go up to a year without eating (the team found this out at the same time they figured out the space thing). Swallows things whole.

Spy can shift his flesh around to disguise as almost anything, keeps the mass and weight though. Breaths mostly through his skin so he doesn’t cough due to his decrepit lungs. Was hit by a car once. Doesn’t have anything to do with the subject matter of the tf2 mercs being freakish beings with human skin but I just wanted to include it here.

Medic. What isn’t medic? The only thing consistent with his biology is that he can regenerate somehow. He alters his body so much that it is roughly equivalent to 1 tyranid hive fleet and 2,million ork painboys.(the tf2 mercs would be more likely to work for the orks than to ever work for one of the human factions in 40k and I just needed to get that off my chest) This is how he manages to get away with all the things he’s done. Banned from this continent? Just become a new person who’s not banned from that continent and presto you’re good! The laws don’t account for the ship of Theseus!

[jar-of-something-else]

LET THESE FREAKS FUCK NASTY!!

i'm sick and flipping tired of nobody letting heavy, pyro, or scout be insane and it's my american right to make it happen (this is for the anon that wanted mean pyro and for another anon that wanted heavy) (scout is for me)

under the cut obvs!!

WARNINGS: AFAB reader, crazy nsfw, CRINGE ASS DIALOGUE BITS!!!!! i wanted to try something new tell me if it's too gross and i'll stop and delete my whole account, mercs being MEAN!!!! also there's some russian (google translate russian) promise i'll provide translations <3

under 18 DNI !!!!!!!! please and thanks :)

Pyro:

-pyro has a neat little storage ottoman at the foot of his bed and guess what!! it's filled with sex toys!!!! who could have guessed!!!!!

-he's got a very wide variety of items 'cause he likes to keep it crazy; these items are included but not limited to: icy-hot (for temp play), handcuffs of many varieties, non-abrasive rope (for comfort), insane amounts of phallic rubber items (and glass he doesn't care) and just so so many more

-obvi the rope is used to tie you up but it's less shibari and more just restricting your movements by tying you to the bed/tying your arms and legs together

-obviously not the biggest talker (at least not anything you can understand), so whenever he wants to humiliate or degrade you, he'll grab your jaw and make you look into the goggles on his mask (it's a little scary) while he does whatever the hell to you

-not above teasing you in public and on the battlefield, he gets a laugh out of it

-touching a little more on the waxplay thing, pyro has a variety of candlesticks as well as regular candles in the jar containers. usually, he lets the ones in the jar burn for a bit until there's a pool of wax that he uses to cover larger areas on you, and the candlesticks are burnt while he drips the wax across your body

-into the idea of exhibitionism, hence the willingness to get you going in public areas, but he wouldn't actually want another person there during actual sex

-voyeurism on the other hand he is 100% down for

-wouldn't want to permanently damage you or anything, but pyro does like to use matches or a lighter to burn you just a teeny tiny little bit

Heavy:

-oh lord

-in my personal opinion, i think heavy is around 7 feet tall and 360-400 pounds so he's a BIG FUCKING GUY and obviously that's gonna translate to his dick

-more girth compared to length but sweet baby jesus it doesn't really matter at this point dude is SCARY big

-if you don't stop him (or if your begging doesn't get to him), he could prep you for hours on end. he wants to make sure he doesn't hurt you but another part of him very much enjoys overstimulating and making you beg for him to do something else

"Ты думаешь, что готов, маленький зайчик? Я не согласен. Мой член слишком велик для тебя." (you think you are ready little bunny? i disagree. my cock is just too big for you.)

-when heavy does finally decide to fuck you for real he goes wayyy too slow; he tells you it's for you to adjust but he just keeps dragging it out to tease you even more

-due to the whole "lets drag this thing out as long as possible" experience, it could lead to a lot of overstimulation. naturally, heavy's response to this is to just edge you until you're so desperate that you can't see straight

-like i mentioned in my first nsfw post, heavy has a BIG ASS breeding kink. he won't tell you (unless you know russian) but he does refer to himself as daddy when/if you let him cum inside you; he just thinks it's embarrassing after the fact and he doesn't wanna tell you

"Ты был так хорош для папы, ты заслуживаешь награды." (you've been so good for daddy, you deserve a reward)

Scout:

-my favorite part of the whole post !!!

-very very fast paced (obviously) and does enjoy slightly disorienting you with the speed he does things. whether he's fingering you, eating you out, or actually fucking you he makes sure to speed up as a little surprise

-sometimes he'll go hard enough to make his (or your) bed frame rock against the wall and he will rub it in the other mercs faces if someone knocks on the door to get you guys to shut up

"Oh wassat? You jealous I'm gettin' laid and you're not? Take that shiny bald head of yours and shove it up your ass, pal, I'm a little busy in here!" (could be talking to heavy or engineer you choose)

-i mentioned scout calling himself daddy in my last post (which IS canon i double checked) and it just got me thinkin so hard....he doesn't let you call him by his real name while he's fucking you, otherwise he'll stop what he's doing completely until you say it

"I don't know much about dis Jeremy guy you keep talkin' about, but it's startin' ta piss me off how often you're sayin' his name. Why don't you tell me who's really fuckin' ya this well, huh doll? Go ahead n' say it fa daddy." (i tried to write out his accent i love it so much but i'm so sorry to boston)

-whenever spy is out on a mission and you and scout are back at base he will sneak into spy's smoking room with you and fuck there. scout doesn't appreciate the subtle flirts he sees spy send your way, so he likes to give him a little reminder of who you chose to be with (even if it's in the form of cum stains on spy's velvet couch)

[tianasficrecs168]

Spideypool Fic Recs

A black dot • means it's a one-shot

A heart ♡ means it's focused on Sexy times (it's pure filth PWP)

Scarlett_starlett: “Are you sure you wanna’ love me?” (Wade/Peter) • Spider-Man is everything Peter Parker wishes he could be—witty, confident, loud, sassy, and sexy… This is no more apparent to him than when Deadpool walks past him without a second glance the first time they meet. It sucks, considering Peter Parker has an embarrassing crush on the ex-merc.

Dontcareajot: “Damage” (Wade/Peter) Peter Parker finds himself in a sticky situation and who should show up to rescue him but the infamous Deadpool? Now Peter feels indebted to the mercenary... And maybe weirdly charmed by him.

isaDanCurtisproduction: “Petey and Wade discuss the proper way to go about vigilantism (and maybe they fall in love too)” (Wade/Peter) Deadpool totally crashes Peter's lunch date with some left-overs Aunt May had inundated him with, and Peter is like "Woah, isn't that that murder guy?" and then it kind of spirals from there. And maybe when Peter first saw Deadpool, decked out with fuzzy panda gloves and enough guns to take down a small monarchy, he should have high-tailed it the other way, but where's the fun in that, right? Right???

Orphan_account: “You Big Disgrace” (Wade/Peter) a two-shot series Wade’s hanging by one leg from the firescape outside Peter’s seventh floor apartment, katanas sheathed on his back and a gun on each thigh - but he’s frozen like a deer in the headlights, as if Peter poses some sort of threat, standing like an idiot at the open window in sweatpants and no shirt, only a flashlight and a thin smattering of chest hair to defend himself.

ChuckleVoodoos: “Hot Cocoa and Heroes” (Wade/Peter) • When a strange hero breaks into his apartment to hole up for the night, Peter Parker is not pleased. And yet somehow he goes from swinging a baseball bat at the guy to sharing a mug of hot cocoa with him.

Zeropercent (orphan_account): “Clenched Teeth And Fluttering Eyes” (Wade/Peter) • The first time Peter sees Wade, really sees him, he doesn’t know what to think.

Cherryvanilla: “Wasn't looking for this” (Wade/Peter) a series, one of three When the Avengers had briefed him on Deadpool, they played up the Kills People for Money and Has No Real Morals angle and left out the Is Pretty Damn Funny and Charming in a Weird, Terrifying Sort of Way part. Or, five times they meet on rooftops plus one time they take it to the streets* (*with apologies to The Doobie Brothers).

        

Mokuyoubi: “One for the Books” (Wade/Peter) ♡ • And, like, there’s a million reasons NOT to do this, primary among them the whole it’s Deadpool thing and being in a library with the police outside, but Peter has a feeling this isn’t going to take very long, and they’ve been dancing around this forever. Wade gives a roll of his hips and Peter’s hands are suddenly working without his permission, rolling up Wade’s mask until the second his mouth is visible. MRA terrorists storm the library, and Peter is unreasonably jealous of how into his secret identity Deadpool seems to be.

Doctorestranged: “Dead Men Walking” (Wade/Peter) part of a series, one of four When a series of murders take place, Peter Parker goes undercover in Sister Margaret’s to get intel on Tony Stark’s prime suspect: Deadpool. Peter goes in hoping to get enough information so that Spider-Man can save the day, but like everything in Peter’s life, it becomes a bit more complicated than that and it soon becomes apparent that he might not be the best fit for the job.

Jilliancares: “Let me explain” (Wade/Peter) • Wade scoffs, shaking his head and elbowing Peter in the side. “Sure,” he says, sarcastic. “That’s why your spidey-sense doesn’t see me.” Peter’s on the verge of laughing, wanting to join Wade in his amusement, but he freezes. His entire body goes still. He finds himself staring at a roof three buildings over, not even looking at anything. Two blocks away, a car alarm finally shuts off. “I never told you that,” Peter says, the realization startling him. Or: Peter's starting to realize just how much Wade knows about him.

PrinceMalice: - “Break My Face” (Wade/Peter) • Deadpool died all the time. It was kind of a modus operandi with the mercenary. He was used to it. In a sick way, Peter was also used to it. The merc would take a bullet to the brain like a tic tac. No matter how gnarled or dismembered he became, Deadpool always pulled himself together, and it was normal. . Or four times Wade died saving Peter's life, and the one time Peter almost died saving his.

Riseofthefallenone: - “Puppy ex Machina” (Wade/Peter) A year after his divorce, Peter is trapped in a depressive cycle and still not quite over Mary Jane. When she shows up at his door, begging him to watch her dog for a week while she leaves town, he can’t really bring himself to say “no”. No one was expecting that little Pomeranian to turn his life around and help him realize that his friendship with Wade has been teetering on the edge of something more for a while.

[bwoahtastic]

You had this idea a while ago about animal Omegas kept as pets, and I can't stop thinking about it :3

Apologies for the rambles and feel free to ignore if you aren't interested in this anymore 🫣🫣

Dan adopting a pretty kitty Omega, Max is so purry with Dan and always wants lap time but does NOT like strangers! Max also likes to read books and rambles at Dan about his new obsession! Also Max likes kisses. A lot. More kisses please!

Jenson or Toto (or Lewis) taking in Nico? Nico maybe having had a bad owner or was trafficked and his feathers are so dull and broken. But when he learns to trust the new Alpha and learns that he can be free, he blossoms and becomes so beautiful!

I also like the idea of Alpha Max taking in 2 cat omegas, Lando and Oscar. Lando is very playful and likes Max almost immediately, but Oscar is more shy and only dares to cuddle Max when he thinks Max is asleep and purrs a lot then. Oscar and Lando had to he taken in together though because they are so close!

Twinky tiger Seb being adopted by someone because he looks so sweet and well behaved but then he turns out to be an absolute terror!!

Ngg yes! Still like this idea!!

Dan taking in a pretty tabby cat Omega from the shelter! Maybe it's common for F1 drivers to have an Omega pet because it's a status thing (snd they have the means to properly take care of them and spoil them and show them the world!) Max is so sweet and purry, very clingy with Dan after deciding Dan will be his owner! Will follow Dan around the apartment holding his fav blankie in case Dan sits down, because Max will be on his lap in an instant, purring and wanting kisses while telling Dan about what he read! He doesn't like strangers much tho and hides a lot behind Dan in the paddock, tail puffed up and ears flat! And he will hiss at anyone but Dan trying to touch him!

Oh pls! Merc pushing for Toto to take on an Omega too and he decides to rescue one, at least that way he can help someone! Nico having been freed from a trafficking ring and looks a little worse for wear,maybe he lost basically all his feathers so it's hard to see what his animal even is. But he is also very sharp witted and Toto decides he will do perfectly! Nico being in awe of his private rooms and the fact that Toto will get him everything he wants (and even let him outside alone with his own credit card once Nico is confident). Some people making fun of Toto taking in a "damaged" Omega, but Toto adores Nico and doesn't care (but ofc is smug when Nico's feathers and confidence grow back and he's such a beauty!

Oh pls Max loving cats so he is set on a cat Omega, and really 1 is enough work and responsibility already but there is this cute bonded pair and Max can't bear the idea of them being forced apart! Lando is very curious and takes a liking to Max quickly, interested by Max's deeper Alpha scent and liking it when Max scratches behind his ears. He babbles a lot about random things and loves movies and music! Oscar is more shy, keeping to himself a lot at first,unless lando drags him over, and taking longer to trust Max. But once you have his trust, he is so funny and affectionate! Oscar at first only daring to cuddle up to Max when he thinks Max is asleep, but eventually Max will go to bed and find both his Omegas already curled up there waiting for him!

Oh please the chaos of twinky tiger Seb!! He looks so sweet and innocent when Mark goes to pick out an Omega, purring and staring up eith those big blue eyes while hugging his stripey tail! Just so adorable and affectionate so ofcourse Mark falls for it! Turns out Seb is quite the menace ksks, cheeky and fussy and liking to challenge Mark lol! Always aorunf causing chaos and having hissy fits when Mark tries to tell him no! But also is fiercely fond of Mark in his own way and has attacked someone making fun on Mark lol! Also Seb would have an insatiable sex drive and make it Mark's problem kskdk

[lieutenantabrudas]

[ID: a drawing of a salarian from mass effect scowling at something off to her left side on a light turquoise background. her skin is bright yellow on her head and back, and bright blue on her limbs and front, with black spots all over. her right horn is tall and thin, the left has been broken off at the base. one eye is cybernetic with three glowing red optical lenses. her right half is covered in burn scars, her face has three diagonal claw scars, her right foot is skeletal and missing webbing with scraps of skin where the webs used to be, and both legs are wrapped in support braces to help her walk. she is wearing a sleeveless green hoodie with a mesh window over her heart, black shorts, and three animal teeth on a leather cord around her neck that have been stained with green blood. one hand is holding a smoking blunt. end ID]

today on disabled exdiff major characters im drawing for disability pride month, the second-most complex design i have for a main character, the bad reverend serial killer aka gurji taeja! taeja first appears in chapter 41 of broken mirror and sticks around for 3 chapters to help shepard and company, then reappears in blood in the water as a deuteragonist dragging shepard into an adventure against their will to go save terra nova. shepard doesn't like her but too bad, i the author do, and so do my readers. she's off doing her own work at the moment in in the land of giants, but she'll be back soon!

the blunt isn't weed btw it's a hallucinogenic drug called naenoda used by salarian priests to commune with the gods. taeja was trained as a priest of the death gods and still follows the god of just deaths and revenge, even though she's otherwise cut all ties with organized religion due to backstory reasons, and smokes a bit of naenoda from time to time for fun and also pain relief. come read my fic i'm very normal about this oc.

her legs were mangled by a predator attack when she was young, and due to her shitheel brother who lured her into it in the first place (it's cool those teeth around her neck are from the predator that tried to eat her and that's her brother's blood on them, don't worry about it :) ) she was left for dead and had to drag herself back to civilization, so they uh. didn't heal right, exactly, and struggle to support her weight. nowadays she alternates between standard braces, special braces that were built into her armor's endosuit, and sometimes a walking stick for short distances if she's already taken them off for the day but needs something from the kitchen.

things got dialed up to 11 after she fled to omega, joined eclipse, had a falling out with eclipse, and was beaten most of the way to death (intentional) and nearly burned alive (accidental) - note her toes on the one side, there's scraps of what used to be webbing attached to her toes, but the fire effectively seared them away and now that foot sinks lower and spreads further than the other trying to support her weight. her eye was completely unsalvageable, and the surgeons offered her a clone replacement, but she opted for the cybernetic robot eye partially because it's cool and partially because she got recruited for the spectres in the process and wanted a cyborg eye for combat advantages. not pictured are all the additional cybernetics under her skin to rebuild her arm and leg and keep her organs working, and the extra stuff wired into her brain to control everything (especially the eye) and, ah. fix some brain damage. she's fine it's fine. the right half of her face is also paralyzed, and her vocal chords were burned, so facial expressions and speaking are difficult, but it's fine, that's what a few extra apps on her omni-tool and a vocoder implanted in her throat are for. she's fine!!

also she successfully completed spectre training and promptly went back to omega, killed all the eclipse mercs who tried to kill her, and also killed her shithead emotionally abusive father and sealed his bones in her armor so he can never enter the reincarnation cycle and will be trapped in limbo forever, it's fine, she's doing fine, she's definitely stable and does not need therapy about anything she's fine she has hallucinogens and a VI in her brain and batarian friends who are better family than her own she's FINE

[nebulousmedic]

I saw some tier lists on Twitter and they were inflicting a lot of psychic damage upon me. Anyway merc dad tier list

So here's mine! I think Spy gets WAY too much shit.... He seems to care for Jeremy AT LEAST to some degree. I don't think it's a coincidence that they ended up landing the same job, honestly. I could actually see Spy being decent-ish if his identity didn't, y'know, force him to leave his family for safety reasons. You betcha he pays child support tho.

Sorry Py and Solly lovers, I think they'd be a right mess. You can let them play with your kids under a VERY watchful eye. But that's it.

if Medic had a kid I think they'd turn out kinda traumatized.... Or, at least they'd be eerily desensitized to blood and viscera. He's one of those parents that doesn't know how to play- well, not with toys anyways. Worst dad jokes. Very embarrassing, probably scares off any other kids with his presence and eerie smile.

Sniper strikes me as those "hands off" kinda parents?? exposing kids to controlled danger, teaching them to hunt and such. He's probably seen as a "cool dad" by the other kids due to his tough and rugged appearance. Both him and Medic would struggle opening up emotionally to their kids, and they wouldn't know what to do when the kid is struggling as well.

Yeah Scout was the youngest out of 8, BUT that means that at least one of them had to have kids, there's a very high chance that he got to do all the kid caring stuff many times, being and uncle. I feel like he's pretty good with emotions and whatnot. He's definitely the kinda dad to be super involved in his kids' friend circle and play with them as much as he can (wether it be boys or girls, he doesn't care). If his kid didn't like sports he'd be sad but try to find common ground with them in other things.

I don't have a lot to say about Engie and Demo. Demoman obviously has alcoholism problems but I think he'd -try- to tone it down for the kids' sake. Like he wouldn't be able to quit for sure, but he's drunk less frequently. He definitely wouldn't want the kid to see him like that. I feel like he's a very sweet dad, very silly and encouraging. Definitely cries when he pauses and realizes how fast they grow up.

As for Engie, I feel like he needs a bit of anger management, he doesn't snap at his kids or anything but he does get very frustrated (it is visible) and has to walk away and leave for a while. Very good parenting other than that and submerging himself in work. Maybe a bit strict at times.

Heavy is.... Pretty much perfect in my eyes. He's patient, sweet, smart, stable. Knows how to deal with kids even if they're throwing tantrums. Very mature, but he also knows how to let go and be a child himself. He might be a little overprotective at first, but after he realizes that, he'll pause and think about it and how to deal with it. He constantly keeps himself in check, asking if he's doing a good job. 10/10 please give me piggyback.

[funishment-time]

is there anything on ur iceberg ud like to expand on in particular? all of it is sooo good 2 me and im rlly interested in ur thoughts. all the junko ones in particular are SO GOOD u get her!!!

(cw: cannibalism, Junko stuff)

thank you!!! here's a few random JUNKOS ones i'll expand upon:

Junko originally considered sparing her classmates: taken from a translated interview where Kodaka says that he wanted to do an OVA where a truly happy Junko would have had to work up the "resolve" to enact her last plan. i mourn that we never got this OVA every single day

Monokubs meant to represent aspects of Junko's personality: kind of Complicated, but pretending that Moogs' story is mostly right, i like to think corporate added the Monokubs to give a dash of personality-shifting Junko to the game before the reveal, for long-time watchers. the kubs are heavily Junko-coded to me

Junko has no real sexuality or opinions on anything: she is both a bigot and not a bigot, gay or not gay, genderfucked or not, trans or not trans, depending on How She Can Hurt You. to me, she long ago lost the ability to have any worldview besides trying to feel psychic damage and inflict it on others

Junko & Remnants were all cannibals: this in itself is the tip of the iceberg of some of the things she and the Remnants probably did, but for Junko specifically, she def ate Mondo Butter and maybe some of her other classmates too. we have lots of evidence she has a sort of weird "wants to be one with everyone" complex (Junkoland, her monologue about being twins w/ Mukuro) and what better way than to nomnomnom on human flesh

DR world already a dystopia before Junko arrived: Junko just tipped the scales. (the fact that HPA openly had an Ultimate Soldier/SHSL Merc who certainly joined up as a minor, which we know for a fact from DR1, should be all one needs to know...but there's other stuff going on, too.) btw: true in both the main timeline and in the nice AU. arguably more true in the nice AU because while we're missing Ultimate Merc (Mukuro attends as Junko, no one knows Mukuro) the V3s are all there too and very much real (so we have Maki etc)

AI Junko not a continuation of the real one but separate entity: just aligns with what the DR universe tells us about other AIs/its AI rules. there's lots about how Alter Ego is not Chihiro and Kodaka recently confirmed AI Chiaki was not the same girl as OG Chiaki (+ she says so directly in DR3)

Junko genuinely wanted to get Makoto to hook up with some girls thru Monokuma: just a silly one. in my head, before the Despairening(tm), Junko was kind of a wingwoman for Makoto because she has a little crush on him and it hurt her real fuckin' good to try to get him with other girls. this continues into the killing game where she uses Monokuma to constantly tease him into being a pervert. she is the biggest Makoto Harem fantasizer

appreciate the question! please enjoy!

[lunatic-pudge]

Hi, I was wondering if you could do a Platonic Tf2 crew x reader who struggles with S/H. I totally understand if you don't take my request but I think it could be good for others who see's these characters as comfort characters.

Many thanks

-Springy

Gotta be honest, I've been slacking with asks but I felt like I needed to make this one cause:

1.) I relate to it, especially since I've been going in a downward spiral recently

2.) I can use this as a chance to talk about the Mercs and their mental health as well. Not only have some of them had such terrible childhoods, but also killing your doppelganger and dying constantly in a neverending cylce has gotta be absolutely damaging to their mental health, especially the first time they respawned

So yeah, this is gonna have a huge TW on it. So please proceed with caution. If this is something you aren't comfortable with reading, please don't. Take care of yourself. <3

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mercs and (Platonic) Reader who Struggles with Self Harm

Scout:

-Now with Scout, he'd try to be a comforting person, but it's gonna be hella awkward. 

-I full believe this poor thing has some self-esteem issues, so he'd very understanding in that aspect. But as for SH, that's where he's kinda lost. Why would his best friend wanna hurt themselves? Why do they feel the way they do about life and themselves when they're such a cool person who's put up with hum for so long?

-This would definitely be one of those times where he puts his ego away, removes the cocky facade, goes from Scout to Jeremy. A boy who grew up with no Father, bullied by his older brothers, and learned that the only way to get away from his problems is to run

-He may not be good at talking about his problems, or giving you advice, but he knows how to put a smile on your face. Scout would do everything in his power to make you smile and laugh.

-He would be wanting to spend more time together as a way to help you with SH. He views it as, "If I spend time with them and get their mind off everything, then they won't wanna hurt themselves" sort of thought. I had it but immediately forgot, I'm sorry :(

-But yeah, Scout's trying. He's not good with these thing but he would genuinely wanna help you. He knows life sucks and things aren't easy. But he wants the best for you and just wants you to be happy

Pyro:

-Now Pyro is interesting to me. I fully believe that they are one of the few Mercs who self-harms, but no one knows cause they never talk about it and are constantly wearing such thick and concealing clothes all the time, even in the worst of heatwaves. And even then, if they did show skin and showed some SH marks, no one would really be batting an eye, maybe Medic and Engie being the only exceptions

-So when you come to them for comfort, they would panic. They don't like that their friend is hurting themselves and they would be at a loss for words. The only thing they'd know what to do in the moment is give you a big hug, maybe even shed some tears with you

-After some time though, Py would open up about their own SH, they probably wouldn't be comfortable with showing their scars though. If you have any fresh injuries, they'd clean you up, being rather knowledgeable on first aid care

-They would let you vent out any and all frustrations. Trying to offer help when they can, even if some of it is concerning. Pyro knows better than any other Merc with what it's like to have such a deteriorating mental health, so they'd be very understanding of how you feel and such

-They'd probably wanna trying helping each other going SH-free. Words of encouragement, being there for each other when things get rough, setting milestones and giving gifts when those milestones are reach, etc.

-There would be some bumps in the road, but Py would be the most supportive friend ever. They want the best for you, no matter what. And maybe this is even the start of them being able to get the help they need and get better

Soldier:

-Now Solly is dense. He wouldn't grasp it at first. Like, you'd say it, he'd go "Huh?", and then as you're repeating yourself, it dawns on him what you said and he's immediately springing into action.

-He's definitely got some PTSD and paranoia. You've seen how he lives in the WAR comic, and in the main comic, you see how quick he is to snap necks, accuse people of being Commies, thinking that there's listening devices around, etc.

-So with him, I see him as someone who unintentionally suicidal?  I don't know if those are the words I'm looking for. Like, he believes that his whole purpose in life is to fight for his country and die on the battlefield. I don't think he could handle dying any other way. Solly's ready to give up his life for his country, at any cost, no matter what

-He's kinda like Scout in the sense that he isn't the best at comforting. He is very good at giving motivational speeches and trying to hype you up. Though, he might sound mad at you for self-harming, he isn't. Yeah, he's upset, but he's not mad

-He'd make you go to Medic to have any wounds taken care of. He'd be like a loyal dog and stay by your side, ready to fight Medic if he asks a question that might make you uncomfortable

-He would have you come to him any time you feel like you're gonna hurt yourself so he can help take care of you. He'll get you anything and everything you want, no matter what. He wants to make you feel comfortable and safe. Hell, he'd even kill for you if asked, even if you're just his friend

-If he can't be available for you, he'd ask Demo to go check on you. Demo wouldn't know why though, he just thinks that Soldier wants to make sure you're okay. But he does trust that Demo would keep you safe when he can't be there

Demoman:

-Gonna be honest with ya, Demo would probably cry if you told him that you SH. He would feel so horrible and wouldn't know what to do other than to hand you some alcohol and drink your woes away

-Demo had a rough childhood, I don't think he had ever been able to accept the fact his bio parents were so quick to abandoned him and take him back one he start honing in on his demolition skills.

-I can see him as someone who has self-harmed before (if you don't count the alcoholism), but it was only when he was younger, like as a teen. Though, you can count the alcoholism as him self-harming, cause technically he's slowly killing himself that way. He's only gonna be a Merc for so long, and Medic can only do so much. So if being a Merc doesn't kill him, it's gonna be Cirrhosis of the liver that does

-So he'd be understanding of why you hurt youself. He'd let you tell him everything, being a listening ear and offering help and advice. Afterwards, he'd take you out to destress, whether it be hitting up the bars or blowing stuff up.

-He may be drunk almost all the time, but he knows how to give good advice. He's a master at comforting and his hugs are to die for. He'd drop everything he's doing to help you if you're having a bad mental health day. He WILL make sure you're okay. He'd even stay up all night with you if that's something you  need

-And my last point in Soldier's applies here as well. If Demo can't be around when you need someone, then he sends Soldier to help fill in the void. He'd probably tell Solly to check on you and make sure you're safe from the Commies or something. But even then, he and Soldier are great friends and would help each other out no matter what, even if it's heelping another friend in need

Heavy:

-Heavy may not be good with his words (in English cause it really do be a struggle), but his actions make up for it. He's another merc who will get you anything and everything you want if it means making you feel better

-If anyone knows what it's like to have a rough life, it's Heavy. Growing up in a prison cause of his Father speaking out against the government, losing said Father, having to become the man out the house at such a young age, and taking such a dangerous job overseas to help support his Mother and sisters. He knows how rough it can be

-Homie know how to be there for a person. Though, he might ask Medic for help on this situation cause he's never been one to SH so this is new territory for him. But he's trying his best though!

-I don't have much to say for Heavy. He's more of an action person rather than a word person. He's fine with even just sitting in silence and reading if that's what you want. He truly does want the best for you, even if he doesn't show it

Engineer:

-He's such a dad friend. For real for real. Where was this man when I was a child?

-He helps Pyro through their episodes so he's very much ready to help you. If you have a specifc way you like to be comforted, he's right there to help. If you need to vent, he'll take you somewhere private so you don't have to worry about prying ears

-Now with Engie, I'd say he has a decent upbringing. I don't think he'd be one to SH either. even though he literally cut his own hand off... But he really is one of the more "sane" Mercs. So while he has never SH, he know that there's reasons people do it and how to help them through it

-Plus have you heard his voice?! It's as sweet as honey. So imagine him conforting you with that voice of his! Telling you how you're such an amazing person, how things will get better, and how he'll always be there for you. For real, I'm an Engie and Sniper voice defender til the end!

-Again, in my very biased opinion, he is the BEST, MOST PERFECT person to go to for help/comfort. You know that if he can help Pyro, he can help you. He's the perfect person ever, platonically and/or romantically

Medic:

-Immediately goes into doctor mode. Checking you're wounds, cleaning up any fresh one, asking about what is causing you to do this to yourself. It's all clinically at first

-If you need any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, he'll give them to you, though it will be under his supervision cause he wants to make sure you're safe. Don't ask how he got them. Just trust him

-Medic is another Merc who's had it rough. He is very well aquainted with SH. Though I also do see him doing it for sexual reasons but I ain't gonna get into it. Let's just say that Medigun comes in handy quite a bit.

-He'll become more observant with you. Paying attention to even the littlest of details. He'll become more observant during routine checkups, making sure you aren't hurting yourself. But if you do, he'll patch you up and tell you it's okay.

-He may be a mentally unstable man who will put a baboon uterus in you for his own "research" (making mpreg real) but he does mean well and will want the best for you. He'll even let you take your anger and frustrations out on a cadaver if it means you not hurting yourself

-Homie's got his doves ready to help comfort you as well. They're his emotional support animals  :D

-This goes for all the support class, they're all good people to go to if it's late at night and you need someone to go to. None of them know what a normal sleep schedule is so they're perfect to go to and just hang out with them, talking or not

Sniper:

-Poor thing would feel for bad when he finds out you SH. He wouldn't even know what to say at first. Offering an awkward pat on the shoulder and to hang out in his camper

-You gotta give the poor thing time to digest all this info. He's also one that's not good with words. He'll tell you that it's gonna be okay. He'll try to help and offer some advice. But again, he's very unsure of what to do and say in this situation. He doesn't wanna make things worse or have you angry at him

-Poor baby was such an outcast his whole life. He may claim that he's used to the isolation, but god when those moments of loneliness hit, it hurts. So he definitely knows what it feels like to be lonely.

-But as for SH, that's where he's kinda lost. I don't think he's ever been one to SH. I just ain't really seeing it, to be honest. You might need to help him understand it all. Once he knows what to do to help, he's a very helpful friend

-He's always available to be there for you. You wouldn't have to say anything to him for him to know why you're there. Whether it be in his camper or his nest. It's not hard to find him

-He'll take you out on a little getaway if you want. Sometimes you just gotta get away from everything, and he's more than willing to help you with that

Spy:

-I'd say Spy is by far one of the most understanding in this scenario

-I've said it in my SWF alphabet with him, he SHs, whether he still actively does it or not, I'll leave it up to you. He's very knowledgeable in this area of life. He might show you some of his scars if he feels comfortable enough

-Definitely someone who had a rough upbringing as well. I see him as someone who grew up poor with parents who could care less for him. It is still something that effects him.

-Usually he takes the stress away with chain-smoking and drinking. Yeah, he knows he shouldn't, but with how long he's been doing it, he'd rather not deal with the withdrawls and such.

-He's good at being a listening ear and giving some solid advice. Being his age, he's been through quite a lot. He's rather surprising with how he handles the situation. He'll let you hide away in his smoking room and drown your sorrows away with some alcohol.

-Don't expect any sort of physical comfort from him. He doesn't like being so touchy with people. Just please don't touch him, okay? Okay

[tf2-headcanon-quotes-confesions]

How good is each merc at cooking?

Merc Cooking Scale

Soldier 0/10

Everything he makes is poison. Or radioactive. Or stone. Or some combination.

That is, if there’s even anything left of anything after he’s done

Many, many, many, wild explosions have happened. Stuff that’d make Demo amazed.

He is banned from the kitchen.

Sniper 2/10

This man lives off instant meals.

He’s just the kind of guy who learned how to make what he likes and has stuck to that.

Not only that, but he would absolutely suck if he tried anything else. He’s not interested in learning, either.

He will eat plain wild game to survive if need be. He's got such bland tastes you can't convince me otherwise.

He does not like trying new food.

Medic 3/10 

 I don't trust him.

Pyro 4/10

They’re actually a pretty okay cook when they can focus! They enjoy helping around the kitchen.

Usually, they enjoy finger food that doesn’t require a lot of prep. They make those faces/pictures out of platters.

They are an excellent sweets maker. But when working with complex savory stuff things get much harder for them.

And when the stove is involved... well...

Somehow, though, their damage has never been bad as Solly’s.

Engineer 5/10

Man can cook a solid meal. He doesn’t, usually, but he enjoys it when he does.

His cooking is always super greasy.

His meals are also pretty limited. Really only knows how to make meat-based stuff like bacon, BBQ, eggs, chili, and roasts.

He’ll try his best if you can't/won’t eat meat but it's not the best.

His breakfasts are so good though.

Heavy 6/10

He’s actually a very decent chef but is brought down by the limited resources he had growing up

He’s had to find pretty much every way to cook a bear there is. His family and him are tired of bear meat but to fresh mouths it’s delicious!

He’s slowly learning how to include more variety in his cooking. Sandwiches were an easy introduction and are now his favorite food.

Cooking has become a hobby of his but he’s limited by his own pallet.

His cold meals (meals that don’t involve stove/oven/crockpot/etc., not literally cold food) are very good!

Spy (7/10)

He knows how, of course. He can make plenty of gourmet meals if need be like any respectable gentleman.

The problem is he hates actual doing it.

He can make a bunch if specific fancy meals very very well. They are delicious. They are beautiful. They are perfect.

But he can only make those things. He’s got absolutely zero creativity in the kitchen and could not tell you the basics of cooking.

He can follow a recipe but won’t bother to learn why you take the steps you take in it.

Demo (9/10)

He’s actually got a very similar story to Heavy but without the lack of resources.

He’s a mixologist. He’s a chef. He’s Husband Material.

After he went to live with his parents again, cooking became favorite chore.

As they got older, it also became an obligation. One he fulfilled with love and service.

He loves cooking for other people. He won’t ever really do it for himself. He likes sharing his meals much more than eating/preparing them.

It’s the social aspect for him.

Scout 10/10

Scout? How’s Scout so high up? It feels like he shouldn’t know how to do more than make toast, right?

WRONG.

His oldest brother is the best god damn cook in all of Boston. You bet your ass he spent his childhood eagerly observing him and their Ma.

From the time he was old enough to grip a spoon was eager to help out and prove himself.

He’s an excellent chef—and a resourceful one. He can make a gourmet meal out of five bucks.

Everyone is absolutely SHOCKED the first time he cooked for them. Spy accused him of ordering it from a restaurant to fool them but he was too genuinely knowledgeable/passionate about it.

His chicken meals are exquisite.

[musings-of-a-rose]

I Don't Want to See Tomorrow (Unless I See It With You) - Chapter 5

Pairing: Benny Miller x wife!reader nicknamed “Juni”

Word Count: 3000+

Rating: Mature - 18+ ONLY!

Warnings: Just like ao3, “creator chooses not to use warnings.” If you click Keep Reading, that means you agree that you’re the age to handle mature themes. Also by clicking Keep Reading, you understand warnings may not be complete in order to avoid spoilers for the story. 

Notes: HUGE shoutout to @laurfilijames for listening to me babble about this fic. I hope you enjoy your husband Will! This is not beta’d - we yeet and post.

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**Reader is not described

Main Masterlist

Benny Miller Masterlist

I Don’t Want to See Tomorrow (Unless I See It With You) series masterlist

Sunlight streams through the cracks in the wooden boards on the wall, casting light on my face. I yawn, stretching when my hand bumps against something. No, someone. In my bed. Before I can react, the body beside me shifts, rolling to face me so the light hits his face.

Benny. So it wasn’t a dream.

I reach out, gently tracing my finger across his cheek. He’s always been so beautiful. A hand shoots out, gripping my wrist as he rolls on top of me, pinning my arms to the sides of my head. His bright blue eyes roam over my face before leaning down to press his lips gently to mine.

“This is still real?” He whispers. 

I nod. “Real.”

After spending some time between my thighs to make sure I was really real, we managed to get dressed and head into the kitchen area. We crack open a box of Sugar Bombs cereal and grab some leftover Brahmin jerky, sipping on our purified water as we idly chat. 

“Did…did anyone else..” I hesitantly ask.

Benny nods, swallowing a bite of jerky. “Yeah! Frankie and Santi joined the Brotherhood. They don’t always agree with what they stand for, but Frankie has a ton of knowledge about the vertibirds. Plus it gets him flying. And you know Santi can’t ever sit still.”

I chuckle, remembering how Santi would flit from place to place, even on leave. Usually from bed to bed too. “What about Will and Tom?”

Benny takes another sip of water. “Tom owns the bar in Diamond City. Will is living there too with his wife.”

My jaw drops. “Wife?? Why didn’t you tell me this first? What’s her name?”

“Lauren. Nice, but keeps him in line too. Honestly, they’re perfect for each other.”

“Was she in a vault too?”

Benny shakes his head. “No. She was living on a farm that got overtaken by Raiders. She just managed to escape. Will found her half dead but full of fight. They hit it off right away and not just because he had clean water.”

“Well I’m glad he found someone.” 

“Yeah me too. He was getting annoying.”

I remember something I’d seen him do the day before. “Hey, I wanted to ask you something.”

“Shoot.”

“Yesterday, when I came home and you were just magically there. How did you just disappear? In the darkness?”

Benny takes his time finishing his bite of food, washing it down with the last of his water. “A couple years after I woke up, I heard about another group trying to establish themselves here. The Enclave. I’d had the thought about being a merc so I figured out where they were as they were a science-y type group. They were able to, uh, mod me out. Make it so I can see in the dark, I can jump a little higher than normal, take some more damage and rads (radiation) than others. I also have better aim.”

My jaw drops. “How?”

He rubs the back of his neck, not quite meeting my eyes and it makes me nervous. “I uh…it’s an implant of sorts.”

“YOU LET THEM CUT INTO YOU??”

He finally looks at me but to my surprise, his eyes are sad. “You were gone. I figured I had nothing to lose.”

I cup his face and turn him to me. “Oh Benny.” I give him a soft kiss. “I’m so sorry.”

“ ‘s not your fault….anyway, they implanted me, asked me to do some tests and runs. Then one day they got into it with the Brotherhood or some other vault dweller. They were just gone. But the mods still work so..” he shrugs, then turns his head, pointing to a line behind his ear. “This is where they went.”

I trace the scar with my finger. “Did it hurt?”

He lets out a hard scoff. “Like a mother fucker. But they’ve kept me alive more than once.”

I turn his face back to me. “Well now I’m back, please don’t let anyone else cut open your skull to put shit in it, ok?”

He smiles at me. “Deal.” 

He closes the distance between us, pressing his lips to mine, his large hand cupping the back of my head to hold me closer. I moan into him, my fingers twisting in his shirt as he lays me back, pressing me into the couch. I wrap my legs around him, gasping when he pushes himself against me..but then the sound of a gun cocking into place makes us both freeze.

“What the fuck is going on?”

I glance up into the eyes of Preston, who has his gun aimed directly at Benny. 

“Preston-”

“Get off of her! You don’t get to come in here and take-”

“Preston! It’s Benny.��

“-take whatever what??” Preston’s mouth falls open in disbelief. “Benny is the Nightshade?!”

“Apparently so.”

Preston continues to stare, not moving his gun. Benny clears his throat. “I’d uh, shake your hand but you’re sort of aiming at me.”

“I’m not sure I shouldn’t shoot.”

I sigh. “Don’t, Preston. Because if you shoot him, I’ll have to shoot you and I really don’t want to clean up all that blood.”

His eyes shift from Benny’s to mine. “You vouch for him?”

“Of course.”

After a few moments, Preston lowers his gun but doesn’t holster it, his eyes never leaving Benny. “I think I need an explanation.”

Benny looks to me for confirmation and I nod. “Like I told you, Preston’s a good guy. He’s trying to do good with the Minutemen. I think he deserves to know the truth.”

Benny nods, trusting in me fully. He shifts his attention to Preston and tells him everything, ending with meeting me at Red Rocket.

“Well I’ll be. I never would’ve considered that the Nightshade was your Benny.”

“Who would have?”

Preston turns back to Benny. “I didn’t realize all of what you are doing for the Commonwealth. Many people have their lives because of you doing the work you do. I’m sorry that you don’t get the recognition you deserve.”

Benny shrugs. “Probably best I don’t. I have a feeling the Raiders wouldn’t work with me if they knew the full extent of everything.”

“Do you mind if I tell my people? A condensed version.”

Benny nods. “Maybe leave out the part about the mods? I keep that pretty quiet.”

“Agreed.” Preston stands and holds his hand out to Benny. He takes it and they shake. “Why don’t you come meet the family, officially?”

They were weary of Benny at first and I can’t blame them. His reputation as the Nightshade preceded him and it’s a big one. The only person who didn’t seem phased was Mama Murphy, who simply gave him a knowing smile, glancing between us. Like she knew exactly who he was the entire time. 

As the weeks went by, and Benny helped everyone out from the gardening to helping refortify not only our defenses but our homes too, people started to warm up to him. Group meal times were no longer silent and tense, people starting to chat and even sing once Benny presented his makeshift guitar he’d been secretly making. A couple months after we were reunited, he comes home after helping a new family of settlers fix the last spot on their roof. I give him a kiss and motion towards the counter where I had set a bowl of corn soup for him. 

“Thanks, Juni. That new family is all settled. Their little girl is so cute. She was following me around and asking me all kinds of questions.”

“She is adorable. She came over to play with Dogmeat yesterday. He ate that shit up.”

Benny laughs as he takes a slurp of his soup. “I bet he did. But I was thinking…I think I need to make a trip back to Diamond City. I gotta see Will. Let him know about, well. You.”

I nod. “I’m going with you.”

“You’d be ok with leaving for a bit? It’ll be dangerous.”

I scoff. “It’s the Commonwealth, Benny. Everything is dangerous.”

“Fair point.”

We leave for Diamond City a couple of days later just before the sun comes up. I command Dogmeat to stay behind, as much as it kills me. It’ll be better for him and the new little girl just adores him. Still, I’m going to miss the hell out of him.

It takes us longer than it normally would for us to get to Diamond City, which they built inside Fenway Park. Pretty cool idea if you ask me. But with all of the debris and general rubble from not only the bombs but the past 200 years, we have to take a longer route. Fortunately for me, Benny is familiar with the nearly hidden paths through the city. We only encounter a random pack of feral ghouls, which Benny spots from a distance and takes them all out before they even know we’re around. 

We turn a corner and I nearly collide with a man dressed in umpire gear, a rifle held in his hands. Benny waves and calls the man by name and they chat for a few minutes. Apparently, Diamond City has enough people to put out patrols a few miles from the city. It helps to keep out things and people that they don’t want infiltrating their protected city.

We make it easily through their security, Benny having his reputation seems to open doors a little bit quicker than the rest of us. Once the heavy doors slide closed behind us, Benny takes my hand and we walk forward, looking down on what was once Fenway Park and my jaw drops.

I’d heard the Minutemen talk about Diamond City, but nothing could’ve prepared me for what I’m seeing. The dirt is still there, buried under sidewalks made from old pallets and wood slabs. All around in what I’m sure is an actual street-like layout, are buildings of different sizes and shapes, all made from some sort of sheet metal slabs or old cars, some are even old buses! The middle of Fenway, or the middle of town, is what looks like a giant smoke stack, people below it sitting at counters and eating whatever is on the menu for the day. It seems to stretch on and all I can do is stare.

“Told you it was pretty impressive,” Benny whispers in my ear, squeezing my hand gently. “Come on. Will and Lauren live higher up.”

We take a few sets of stairs, some there from before the bombs and some makeshift more recently, to what would’ve been the fancy seat boxes back in its hayday. Benny explains that some of the box's walls were knocked down to make them bigger and people could live in them - if you had enough caps (money) for it. Will is head of security here so he definitely has the pull. We stop outside one of them and Benny knocks, waiting for a moment before the door flies open and Will’s smiling face greets us.

“Hey Be- JUNI??”

Will stares at me like he doesn’t believe his eyes. I smile and give him a small wave. “It’s me.”

“What the fuck?” Will grips my wrist and yanks me to him, nearly suffocating me in his embrace. Will had been the brother I never had and it wasn’t until this exact moment that I realized how much I missed him. I squeeze him a bit harder and he kisses the side of my head before pulling back to look at me.

“Where the fuck have you been? How-”

“Can we talk inside, man?” Benny asks.

Will shakes his head. “Right. Yeah, of course. Come on in.” Will doesn’t let go of my wrist, pulling me inside and closing the door behind Benny, sliding a very heavy lock into place. Benny pulls off his long coat and hangs it up on a hook near the door. Will looks down at me, disbelief still etched in his features. 

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah. But I don’t want to put you out.” 

He gives me The Look. “You just came back from the dead. The least I can do is give you some soup. Right this way.” 

We head through another door and through a living area into a small kitchen. At the stove is a woman with chocolate brown hair and freckles on the exposed skin on her arms. She turns to face us, smiling at Will, her green eyes flitting between all of us, a slight pull between her brows as she takes me in.

“Hey darlin’.” Will walks up to her and gives her a quick kiss, releasing my hand for the first time. 

“Hey baby. Who is this?”

“Lauren, this is Juni. Juni, my wife Lauren.”

Her eyes go wide as she looks from Benny to me. “Juni? As in your Juni?”

Benny’s smile is wide. “Yup!”

She drops the spoon she was holding on the counter, clapping her hands together. “This is wonderful! But how? Why?” Will nods in agreement with her. 

“Ladle us some of that soup and we’ll tell you,” Benny nods towards the pot behind Lauren and I elbow him in his side.

“You don’t have to be so rude.”

Bowls of soup in hand, we sit around a small table in various chairs, Benny and I taking a few sips of soup before starting in. We tell them everything, what happened on the day the bombs fell, all the way up to us walking into Diamond City. 

“Sounds like you were lucky to have met when you did,” Will says, putting his bowl in the sink. “You been to see Tom?”

Benny shakes his head. “We came here first.”

“Well I think a celebratory drink is in order! Let’s go to Tom’s bar,” Lauren suggests. She turns to me as we pull on our boots. “They also have non alcoholic drinks if that’s more your style.”

“I’m sure I’ll find something. Thanks.”

Tom’s bar is loud with people, crowding around small tables and huddled at the bar. A jukebox sits in the corner, quietly playing tunes from before the bombs fell. The crowd parts and I can just make out Tom behind the bar, barking orders at what I’m presuming is a regular customer, who is now several sheets to the wind (drunk). He spots Benny first and points at him, beckoning him closer. It’s only when we’re right in front of him does he see me, his eyes going wide.

“Juni? I thought you were dead!”

“Likewise!”

“I’ll want the story later- sit DOWN Jeff!” Tom glares at a customer who was about to stand on the bar. “Come to the back for a sec, Benny?” He nods and follows Tom, taking my hand and pulling me along into a back room. When the door closes, the volume lowers by at least half. Tom looks at me and Benny nods.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Ben. I’m happy to see you, and especially happy to see you, Juni. But what the fuck are you doing Ben?”

Benny’s eyebrows pull together. “What do you mean?”

Tom crosses his arms. “You stopped doing your runs.”

Benny shifts his weight. “Yeah. I mean I found Juni. I figured they’d assume I��d died-”

Tom holds up a hand. “Well they didn’t. Rumor has it the different Raider factions are teaming up to try and find you.”

“Fuck. You think it’s true?”

Tom nods his head to the side. “My sources have never lied before. What are you doing, Ben?”

Benny sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “I’m done, Tom. I can’t do this anymore. I was strugglin’ before Juni but now? I’m not gonna leave her to go traipsing around the Commonwealth.”

“Did you think it would be that easy?”

Benny shrugs. “Yeah, actually. They knew I’d probably die eventually.”

“I think you’re gonna need to talk to them, Ben. Tell them you’ll do one last run, a big one, and then you’re out. Tell them you’re injured or whatever. But you have to do something before it gets bad.”

Benny nods again. “You’re right. I’ll think of somethin’. Thanks Tom.”

Tom nods at him but then shocks me as he pulls me in for a hug. “Now you I really missed. Give me the cliff notes version?”

We end up staying in Diamond City for a few weeks, Benny renting a room above Tom’s bar for us to stay in. Both Tom and Will offered to let us crash with them, but Benny didn’t want to impose, especially when he didn’t know when we’d be going back to Sanctuary Hills. I liked Diamond City, I did. There was a barber and many shops, an eatery and a place to get your weapons or armor inspected and repaired. There was even a garden and a mini stage where the kids from the school would put on plays. A school! But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the peace that comes with Sanctuary Hills. Plus, I miss my dog.

Benny was with Will tonight, helping him with patrol while they discussed what Benny could do to get the Raiders off his back. They were pretty close to a solid plan. I wave bye to Lauren as I leave their home, heading back downstairs and winding my way through the streets back towards Tom’s bar. 

Something smacks against the back of my head, the last thing I see is the logo from Tom’s, glowing neon bright as my vision fades to black just before I hit the ground, a voice saying “And they said Raiders can’t be sneaky!”

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[ips-northstar-official]

So, I'm the aptain of Mining Rig Aurora. We were having Pirate issues. (Or is it "Privateers?" Heard it should be.) And our ship is small, so we got the Caliban License since it was advertised for in-door combat. Everything is working great, I honestly love it, pirates are less of a problem. Except for one tiiiiny thing.

You see Pierre, our merc, went to practice re-loading the whole "Cannibal" thing, which... massive I must say. And the dud shells just... went. Now Pierre has lived, he likes heavy armour, the lucky guy, but he's got a bad concussion.

Is there a way to tune down the ejector perhaps? We don't want to accidentally decompress a ship because somebody reloads too close to a window.

Hello captain!

We're sorry to hear Pierre was injured by the Cannibal's shell ejection. This is an intentional feature to increase the damage potential of the shotgun even during what would normally be considered "downtime", so that no matter what you're doing, you can put the hurt on pirates while doing it.

Thankfully, you don't need to worry about the shells decompressing a cabin. The shells are designed to be frangible to impact so that, while they put plenty of hurt on soft targets and even some on mechs, it shouldn't destroy the walls of a ship that separate you from hard vacuum.

We wish you a speedy recovery! Be sure to refer to the included instruction manual for safe reloading practices.

[jpitha]

Between the Black and Grey 42

First / Previous / Next

Before anyone could say anything else, there was a blinding flash of white light. The Dreadnought appeared directly in front of them, impeding their progress. Stormy fired the thrusters and tried to duck underneath.

"Get back into your seats! I'm going to link away again." Northern and Zhe dove towards their seats and bucked back up, but before Stormy could link, there was a clatter and a shudder throughout the ship. New alarms sounded throughout the ship, a kind of wailing trilling noise. It was incredibly loud.

"What's that Stormy?" Zhe clapped her hands over her large ears. "Can you turn it down any?"

"It's... It's a grapple. We've been grappled!" Stormy's rage permeated her voice. "Those were banned centuries ago! I can't believe they used a grapple on us."

"Can we do anything?" Fen asked. She looked down at her screen. There were new spots of orange on the readout where the grapple was damaging the hull.

"Our options at this point are to allow us to be taken aboard, or blow the reactor." Northern shook her head. "They've got us."

"Stormy, might as well disconnect and come up here. I don't want them doing anything to you." Fen closed her pad with a snap. She looked at Zhe and Northern. "Sorry."

Zhe shook her head. "Nothing to be sorry about, Fen. We're in this together."

Northern nodded. "Despite myself, I do find that I like you two. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. It's not your fault Fen."

Fen sighed. "Yeah, but if I wasn't a clone of the first Empress..."

"There's no way these people know that Fen. They're just after their current Empress and probably think we know something about it. I'd say just answer their questions mostly honestly." Northern ticked off points on her long fingers. "We saw her on Picaresque, we went out drinking, we partied with her and her honor guard, and in the morning we left. None off that is a lie."

Stormy walked into the Command Deck and looked around. Finding a seat, she sat down and buckled in. "The four of us is enough to operate a frigate of this size without raising too much suspicion. They shouldn't ask about whether we have an AI pilot."

Zhe's ears flicked in surprise. "Really? Only four people?"

She nodded. "It's just about the bare minimum, but it's possible. It could be explained away that we're a new merc group and haven't taken on more crew yet. These kind of ships are meant to be run lean and mean anyway."

Fen wasn't so sure, but she couldn't do anything else.

They waited.

About 30 minutes later, there was a pounding on the airlock. Fen unbuckled and went to the lock. Peering through the window she saw three armored spacesuits. She toggled the intercom. "Yes?"

"Human Imperial Navy. Open up please. We have some questions for you."

Please? That was interesting. "Why did you grapple me? You could have used your radio."

"The Admiral wishes to speak to you in person."

They did not elaborate further.

The voice of the suited person sighed. "Look. If you just open the doors, it'll go better for you. We won't even restrain you. You just open up, we bring you to the Admiral and then we let you go once she's happy with the answers."

"And if I don't open the lock?"

"Then we force it open, capture you, restrain you-" They hold up some metal zip cuffs. "-and still bring you to the Admiral. Only now, your ship is damaged and you can't leave once she's finished speaking. Your choice."

Fen cut the intercom. "Fuck." she said to nobody, and pressed the purge button. Both airlock door snapped open and there was a puff of air as the pressures equalized. Fen's ears were pained for a moment, but she swallowed and her ears popped.

The guard lifted their helmet. It was two men and a woman who looked so similar they could have been related. The woman smiled. "Thank you, really. My name is Lieutenant Shelly Cooper. What's yours?"

"I'm Captain Fenchurch Whitehorse, but please call me Fen."

"Very well, Fen. Who else is aboard?"

"The rest of my crew. They're on the Command Deck. There are four of us."

That caused Lieutenant Cooper to raise an eyebrow, "Four? That's it?"

Fen smiled awkwardly. "I wasn't able to hire anymore crew than that. Believe me when I say I've been trying." It wasn't a lie, not really. Fen found that there weren't many people who were willing to sign on to an unproven merc company, even if they were a couple years old.

The Lieutenant turned to one of the men behind her. "What did the bioscan say?"

He looked down at a pad strapped to the arm of his suit and tapped at it with a gloved hand. "She's not lying. Ship is empty except for the command deck."

"Curious." Cooper stared hard at Fen. "Have we met? Are you from Sol? You seem familiar to me."

"I don't see how. I grew up in a Gren station, far outside of Colonial space." Again, it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the whole truth. Of course people in the military would know what the first Empress looked like.

"Hmm. Okay. If your crew agrees to keep the reactor powered down and be powered by an umbilical, they can stay confined to the ship and you accompany us. Deal?"

"Yes, I agree to those terms. Let me go tell my crew."

Lieutenant Cooper nods. "You have three minutes."

Fen hurries back to the command deck. "The Admiral wants to talk to me. They said you can stay here so long as you agree to be powered only by their umbilical."

Zhe stood up and crossed her arms, her tail swishing irritatedly. "It won't matter, because we're coming too."

Northern looked to Zhe and sighed, but only a little. "We can't leave you out to dry, Fen. We'll come along too. How bad can it be? Plus, if we come with you we can't suffer "an unfortunate accident" in the hangar."

Fen exhaled. She hadn't realized she was holding her breath in. "Thanks Northern, Zhe." She turned to Stormy. "You're welcome to come along, but I also know this isn't your thing. We had just hired you after all."

Stormy looked at Northern who shrugged with her eyes. "Up to you."

She runs her hands over her face. "Fuck, me. I swear Northern, you know how to pick them." Stormy stands up and smiles. "I'll come along, what the hell. Sitting on the ship was going to be boring by myself anyway."

The four of them went to the airlock, and Fen went up to Lieutenant Cooper "I spoke to my crew, and they want to accompany me."

Lieutenant Cooper throws up her hands. "Fine, I guess we'll just give you the VIP tour on the way." She gestures out towards the hangar. "Here is the hangar, where we store our smaller ships and boats, as well as the frigate of a merc captain we captured that the admiral wants to speak to and offered to let her crew stay onboard but they want to follow their captain to the ends of the galaxy."

Fen crossed her arms, but said nothing.

"Come on then. We'll find you some more chairs or something." Lieutenant Cooper turned on her heel and walked out of the hangar, without waiting for them to follow. The two guards with her looked at each other and one of them gestured for them to follow.

Not too far from the hangar, Lieutenant Cooper came upon a small conference room. She opened the door and led them inside. As they sat, a steward came by with a small cart of drinks. Fen was offered and accepted a coffee, and they went around offering beverages. Lieutenant Cooper also took a coffee, but everyone else abstained.

Cooper took a sip and looked down at the comm on her wrist. "The Admiral will be here shortly. Please be respectful. She's... lived a long life and doesn't suffer fools. If you want to make it back to your ship, answer her questions quickly and honestly."

Fen wasn't halfway through her coffee with the door chimed. Lieutenant Cooper stood. "This is where I leave you. The guards will wait outside the door and - should you be able - will escort you back to your ship." Her face was odd. She looked worried, and also like she felt bad for them. Just what kind of person was this Admiral?"

The door whooshed open and the Admiral strode in. She was about the same height as Cooper, maybe a few centimeters taller than Fen. Her hair was blond streaked with grey and she wore it clipped very short on the back and sides and a little longer in the front. She wore her hat at an angle that probably was against regulations. Her uniform was immaculate and her chest bulged with medals. She had a hard, but not unattractive face, lined with time. As she entered, she looked down at everyone sitting, and as she passed over them she stopped at Fen, and her breath caught.

"You are dismissed, Lieutenant."

Cooper saluted sharply. "Yes, Admiral."

"Dismiss the guards as well. I will not need them."

"Admiral? With all due respect-"

The Admiral turned to face Cooper and stared at her. Without saying anything at all, Fen could feel her shouting at the Lieutenant. Her gaze was withering. Cooper swallowed and saluted again. "Yes, Admiral."

The door closed behind her and the Admiral's demeanor immediately changed. She shrank down a little, looked older, less hard. She strode around the room and glanced down at the carafe of coffee. She poured herself a cup and sat at the head of the table. While everyone watched, rapt. She took a sip and placed it down on the table without a clink. She looked at Fen.

"You look like her, you know? I can see that you're different. A product of your upbringing. It's your eyes, and the way you carry yourself. I can see so much of her though. It's a little spooky."

Fen blinked. Whatever she expected, it wasn't this. "You know I'm a clone of the first Empress?"

The admiral laughed. Her voice was surprisingly musical. "Fen, I knew Melody. I was friends with her. I... I was on a different ship when she was killed. I became Empress after her."

Stormy gasped. "No. No way. She retired to Venus, and let her daughter reign. She would be over five hundred years old. You're not her."

The admiral smirked. "If you know all that, then you know that the Nanites can extend life. I can't do the Voice anymore, and it's been more than two centuries since I carried a crown and wings, but I am still me.

Northern turned and stared at Stormy. "Who is it, Stormy?"

The admiral spread her hands wide. "I am Empress Helen Raaden, First of Her Name, Ruler of Sol - Retired."

[incorrectsmashbrosquotes]

Duke Poolem and Doomguy: Road Trip

ALERT! SPOILERS FOR DEADPOOL AND WOLVERINE! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

(After Galeem’s attack, the Doom Slayer has reluctantly teamed up with Duke Nukem under the impression that Master Hand can reverse the damage the demons have done to his world. After a long series of events, the duo have found themselves driving through a devastated forest, Doomguy in the driver’s seat)

Duke: (doing finger guns out of sheer boredom) Pew pew pew, boom, pew…

Doomguy: Stop that.

(Duke stops, but it only keeps him quiet for a few seconds)

Duke: So, where’d the armor?

Doomguy: Oh, Christ…

Duke: Did the Night Sentinels make you wear it? They are not your friends, I’ll tell you that much. Friends do not let other friends leave the house looking like an edgy-reboot LEGO astronaut.

Doomguy: Would you stop talking about the fucking suit?

Duke: Okay, geez! I’m just tryin’ to bond a little–

Doomguy: Yeah? Then talk about something else.

Duke: Alright! (sighs) So, if they can fix your world, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get back home? Some rubbing alcohol shots, maybe a wiper fluid chaser?

(Doomguy starts to answer, but then stops, having realized something about Duke’s word choice)

Doomguy: (with a slight snarl) What did you say?

Duke: I said when you get back, what’s the first thing you’re gonna–

Doomguy: Before that.

Duke: (long pause, having realized his mistake) …If they can fix your world– (Doomguy suddenly slams on the breaks) Oh fuck…

Doomguy: What do you mean, IF?!?!

Duke: Look, I didn’t mean–

Doomguy: You lied to me, you don’t have a fucking clue if they can fix things, don’t you?!

(before Duke can respond, Doomguy suddenly stabs him in the thigh with his Doomblade)

Duke: AUGH! FUCK! FUCK! I DIDN’T LIE!

Doomguy: YOU LIED!

Duke: NO! I MADE AN EDUCATED WISH! (enraged by such a stupid justification, Doomguy twists the blade) OW! FUCK! Look, I did it because I need you! (he produces a photograph of his friends, all of whom were turned into Spirits) I don’t know a damn thing about saving worlds. Why would I even care? My whole world is right here in this picture. It’s only nine people and I have no idea how to save it alone. I know how to fuck people up for money, but you! YOU know how to save them!

Doomguy: …Did you just say… you made an educated… fucking… wish?

Duke: Oh, I’m sorry, have we met? They call me “Merc with a Mouth”, not “Truthful Timmy, the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon”! (Doomguy yanks the blade out of his leg) AUGH!

Doomguy: (absolutely seething) One more word, please. Just one more fucking word.

Duke: …Gubernatorial. (Doomguy raises his fist, Duke flinches in response) EEK!!!

Doomguy: (sighs and lowers his fist) You know something? You’re a fucking joke. No wonder the Smashers didn’t take you, or the All-Stars and they’ll take fucking anybody. I mean, you are a ridiculous, immature, half-wit moron. I have never met a sadder, more attention-starved little prick in my entire life, and that’s saying something because I’ve been alive for over two-hundred fucking years. I’ll tell you, that evil lightbulb was right about one thing, you will never. Save. The world. You couldn’t even save a relationship with a goddamn BAKER. And motherfucker I wish I could say you’ll die alone, but it’s one of GOD’S BEST JOKES that you can’t die! EXCEPT IT’S ON ALL OF US!!!!!

(and then, the impossible happened… Duke was speechless. He just stares at Doomguy, shocked and seeming to have been genuinely hurt)

Doomguy: What, you got nothing to say to that, mouth?!

Duke: (his face settling into a determined and rage-filled glare) I’m gonna fight you now.

Doomguy: (laughs derisively) Oh, are you–

(Duke suddenly punches him in the face hard enough to cause a nosebleed. Doomguy stares at him, genuinely shocked for a few seconds, before roaring and responding in kind. The resulting fight, taking place entirely in the car mind you, lasted an entire night. By the time the Smashers found them, both of them were unconscious, except Duke was tied up with the car’s seatbelts)