#the main reason i'm asking is because i have anxiety but i'm starting to think that's not the whole thing????

[solar-net]

i should probably look into autism symptoms and behaviours

does anyone have any good resources? not ready to trust google and the bullshit searches it has :/

[lyjen]

Just a minute | Part 2

Summary: When (Y/n) wants to postpone their wedding because she doesn’t want to walk down the aisle with a walker or in her wheelchair, an argument turns into a fight where (Y/n) rakes up the past.

Request

Taglist: @oliviah-25 @shauna-carsley

<< Previous Chapter | 9-1-1 Masterlist

______

“I want to postpone the wedding” (Y/n)’s voice said as she sat across from her fiancé at the dining table. 

He just came home from his shift at the firestation, he only had the chance to let his duffle bag fall to the ground, kiss his girlfriend and pour himself a glass of water. 

He took his lips off the brim of the glass as he swallowed the bit of water he had in his mouth. His eyes narrowed. “But why? We already postponed the last time.” he asks. 

Evan was confused, why did she want to postpone the wedding they wanted so desperately, again? The last time they postponed was because of the accident, which he understood. But he couldn’t think of a reason right now. 

His hands started to sweat as anxiety rises in his chest. Was he not good enough? What if she changed her mind about him? 

She started to pick her dead skin around her nails, one of the habits she developed in the last few years. Usually it was her biting her nails, but she switched from that to picking dead skin. Not one of her proudest quirks. 

With her eyes focussed onto her fingers, she gathered all her courage. “You know how much it means to me to walk down the aisle with Bobby on my side.” she said. 

No, both of her parents aren’t dead. They were healthy, at least that is what she assumed. (Y/n) simply didn’t have any contact with her parents anymore, she left everything and everyone behind in Maine. 

But when she moved to California and joined the LAFD, she had found her own family. They may not be blood related, but they do feel like a family to her. 

There was a silence between her and Evan, he was caught by surprise. He didn’t expect her to tell him she wanted to postpone. 

“I'm not rolling down the aisle.” She added, and broke the silence that was hovering around the dining table. 

Evan was clearly looking for the right words. But it was like his brain wasn’t making a connection with his mouth. As if there was some kind of error between the two organs. 

“Look.. I-… I know how much it means to you.” He stumbled over his words as he tried to figure out how to create his next sentence. “But from what I can see, you’re doing great. I mean you can walk.” he continued. He knew he sounded like a douchebag, maybe he picked out the wrong words. But this is how he felt.

A sigh rolled off her lips, she hoped he would get it. She told him countless times how much she wanted to walk down the aisle. “Yes. With a walker and slower than a turtle. And I don’t want that.”

Evan shifted in his seat, he pressed his hand against his temple, digging the fingers into his forehead. As a simple breath changed into a soft sigh. “Are you kidding me?” His voice said, as he let his hand that was pressing his forehead, fall onto the table. ”First it was the wheelchair, now it’s the walker?” He asked as his eyes were focused on his hand and wandered back to hers. 

He didn’t understand. He does, but also not. When they were just engaged, they couldn’t wait to get married. They were at the point to just go to city hall and get hitched, because they were that excited. But that’s not what they wanted. 

They postponed the first time because of the accident, and now she wanted to postpone it again because she didn’t want to walk with her walker down the aisle. He doesn’t get it, all he wants is to call the woman sitting right in front of him, his wife. To say that short simple sentence he waited this whole entire year to say.  

Her eyes met his as she let hers move from her fingers up. “You know what I mean Evan.” Her eyes narrowed as a disappointed expression morphed onto her face.

Evan pushed his chair back with his upper legs, and stood up from his seat.  He let a hand slide through his blonde curls as he inhaled, his lungs full with oxygen. He held his breath until he knew what he wanted to say. But instead of words, a laugh left his lips. 

 “You are so…” he stopped himself from finishing that sentence. He wasn’t making her out for that. It was just rude, and it wasn’t like him to call her out like that. Evan didn’t want to hurt her more than she already was. He places both his hands on his face to cover it. He needed to get it together.

Her left eyebrow frowned, as she waited for him to call her out. “I am what Buck? Hmm?” she said. Waiting for the ticking time bomb to go off. She knew this was coming sooner or later, the bomb named Evan Buckley going off. It was only a matter of time.

“Finish. Your sentence.” she added, as she kept her eyes locked onto Buck.

Both his hands slid down his face, quickly letting his right hand trace over his chin as he placed them on his hips. He turned his face towards the ceiling as he pressed his lips into a thin line. He wasn’t going to say it. Maybe it’s for the better that he’d keep his mouth shut. 

He shook his head, as another loud sigh filled the small space they were in. “You know what..” he started as he locked his eyes with hers again.

“I’ve been so supportive all the damn time. Helping you, going to your apportionments and to try and see things from the bright side. But it’s always about what you want, what about what I want?!” He blurted it all out as he pointed towards himself. 

(Y/n) could see the tears starting to well up in his eyes as he talked faster than his mouth could handle. As another silence hit the conversation.

He was right. Maybe she was selfish. Maybe she didn’t listen enough to what he wanted. But this is her once in a lifetime opportunity to shine, and she wanted to make the best of it.  So that nothing else matters in the world, but them. 

Evan felt guilty for lashing out that way towards her. Even though he stopped himself from calling her a ‘spoiled little brat’. He could read the pain and the sorry on her face. “Look.” He said as he crouched down next to her, to get in her height. ”I know what you are going through, I’ve been there.” his voice continued as he placed his hand onto hers. 

A disgusted look was sent towards him as (Y/n) yanked her hand from underneath his. “No you don’t! Nobody does!” her emotions took over her entire voice. She was sad, angry, frustrated and she felt so many more emotions, which she couldn’t even describe. 

(Y/n) wanted to roll away in her wheelchair, but she didn’t. She looked to her right, focussing her eyes on the window. She took a breath, as she felt the emotions taking over her body. Entirely unable to control them now. She could feel the tears stinging in her eyes. “You broke a leg.” She mumbled. ”You could walk with crutches. There’s a difference between paralysis and a broken leg.” Her broken voice added. 

Evan wanted to try and put his hand on hers again, but figured it was for the better as he just tried and made things right with only words. “But I kept hope.. I know I would be able to do my job again.” he said, as he straightened his legs. 

A scoff tumbled from (Y/n)’s lips as the tears in her eyes started to break free from the borders. He didn’t just say that, after everything he had put his found family and her through. It may have happened years ago, but she didn’t forget about it. “Is that what you call suing the city and the LAFD?” she answered fiercely as she shook her head. 

Evan was surprised by her reaction. He may just have started a fire he didn’t want to. He could see the fire burning in her eyes, something he had never seen before. Sure he had seen her mad, but he figured this was going to be on another level, only by the look in her eyes.  “Don’t go there.” he said, as he took an opportunity to keep this argument on a low level. He wasn’t out to fight her. 

She was still facing the window, she refused to look at him. But she felt something burning inside of her. (Y/n) faced Evan again. ”Oh and let’s not forget about the time.. when the doctor told you it was healing slower than expected, and you desperately wanted to do that surgery because you couldn’t wait any longer!” she blurted out as she pointed at him.

He was startled by the intensity of her reaction, “(Y/n)..” he mumbled, that was the only thing he could manage to say. He didn’t want any of this. He didn’t want them to fight because of some stupid wedding.

She rolled her wheelchair backwards and turned so she was facing him now. “Do you call that hope? Or did you just forget about those parts?” She continued. Thunder was written all over her face, as tears were streaming down her face. (Y/n) didn’t care about the tears that made her seem weak rolled over her red cheeks. 

Evan didn’t know what to do, so he just let her rattle. Let the words she didn’t get to say back then, finally leave her chest. Turns out, he wasn’t the timebomb. She was.

She let her hand trace through her hair, moving the strands of hair that were flowing in her face behind her ear. “I couldn’t talk to you for weeks because of that stupid lawsuit, just because you couldn’t wait a few more weeks” Her voice sounded raw, as if some kind of barrier had broken inside of her.

He started pacing, as he turned his back towards her. She couldn’t be serious now. Why was she digging up the past? She knew how sorry he was for that lawsuit. He didn’t think of the consequences. He was so focussed on getting his job back that he forgot the most important thing that made him love the job even more. 

But she was poking him so much with her words. “I wanted my job back!” He snapped at her. 

(Y/n) didn’t expect that reaction from Evan. But instead of letting the words sink in, she directly reacted to them. “And all I want is to walk normally down that aisle.” She shot back at him. ”Without a walker. But that seems like too much does it Evan?” her next sentence sounded a lot more calmer than the one before.

A laugh rolled from his mouth as he tried to calm himself down. She was on edge, and so was he. He let out a sigh as he pressed once again the palm of his right hand against his forehead. A few counts of silence, as he let the situation fall into place.  

He took a loud breath. “If it has to go like this, I don’t even know if I want to continue this conversation if it constantly ends up with us fighting.” he sounded calm. 

Her heart was beating in her chest, as the tears dried up on her skin. The adrenaline in her was so high, that her mouth was talking before she could think of anything to say. “And I don’t even know if I want to marry you anymore.” Her eyes grew wide as she placed her hand in front of her mouth.  

Evan looked at her as if she was some kind of monster. She felt the eyes burning onto her skin as she avoided his gaze, his reaction. “Buck please.. I didn’t mean it” she stumbled as he grabbed his car keys from the dining table. 

He wanted to flee, to run away from whatever situation he had gotten himself into and act like it never happened. He wanted to turn back time, to avoid this scene that had gotten out of hand. Just as he grabbed his keys from the table, he felt a hand locked around his wrist, keeping him into place. 

His eyes wandered from his wrist, to the person who was holding his wrist. When his gaze met her red puffy eyes, he didn’t have the words for whatever just happened. “Please!” she begged him another time. But he didn’t react. 

All he did was pull his arm free from her grip, and without sparing her a glance, he left the house. 

The only thing she could do was listen to the door falling into the lock, and hear the engine of the Jeep he owned running. 

“Fuck!” Her voice sounded through the empty house, so loudly you could hear her lose her voice.

What had she done?

______

(Y/n) rolled with her wheelchair towards the front door as it sounded through the house. Could it be him? She hadn’t heard from him in two entire days, she didn’t hear if he was fine, safe, if he showed up at work or not. And it made her feel a mix of anxiety and worry. She held her breath as she pushed the lever down, wishing it was her fiancé. 

But her eyes filled with hope fainted as soon as she saw Eddie and his son Christopher at her doorstep. Eddie had both his hands tucked in his pocket as Chris held onto his crutches. “Hi (Y/n)” Chris said as soon as nobody else broke the silence. “Hey buddy” her voice said softly and her eyes went back to Eddie. 

“Can we come in?” He asks gently. “Sure” she says with a little doubt in her voice. Part of her wanted to send them away, because she knew what was happening. Gosh did Buck really send his best friend instead of having the guts to face her himself? But the other part of her told her, maybe this is what she needed. A conversation with someone else but Buck. 

She wheeled herself to the side of the door so she could give them the space to enter the house and she could close the door behind them. Eddie and Chris took place at the dining table. Eddie helped Chris putting his crutches to the side of him as Chris got out his homework.  “Want something to drink?” (Y/n)’s voice asked as she wheeled herself towards the fridge already. 

“Are you sure? I can get the drinks too?” Eddie offered, typically Eddie, always looking out and asking if he could help. “Really, It’s okay.” (Y/n) said as she opened a deep drawer and took out some glasses. 

At this point, Eddie wasn’t a guest at their house anymore, and neither weren’t Buck and (Y/n) at his. They knew their way around each other's house like the back of their hands. Guess that’s what happens if you have weekly hangouts. It was normal for Eddie and Chris to come over and just talk about life when Chris did his homework or played video games. As if being with each other on a twenty four hour shift wasn’t enough. They always seeked each other's company. 

She placed three glasses onto the table as she wheeled back to the fridge to get the jug with water. “So where’s Buck?” Eddie asks when he can hear the fridge door close. Her left eyebrow lifted, as her mouth left a scoff. Was he seriously asking her this? Her gut told her enough, Eddie knew what was going on between her and Buck. “Please Eddie, you don’t have to pretend that you don’t know the story already. You’re his best friend.” She told him and placed the jug with water in it on the dining table.

Eddie was sitting on the head of the table with Chris on his left side, as (Y/n) rolled her wheelchair on his right side and started to pour water into the three glasses she just fetched. She could hear him thinking. “Hmm, Okay.. you got me there.” He started as he passed the full glass of water towards Chris. ”But I want to hear your side..” He added. 

She just laughed and shook her head. Why did Eddie want to talk about the situation that didn’t even involve him? Why did he want to make things right between the couple? “What happened? Between you and Buck?” He asks. (Y/n) finished filling the glasses with water, as she just stayed quiet and rolled back to the fridge to put the jug with water back. “(Y/n)..” Her name sounded like a sigh when it floated off his lips. 

“Why are you so invested in this?” she mumbled as she opened the fridge and put the object back where it belonged. She was holding back. She didn’t like to just pour her heart out to anyone, it was her problem and it was hers to fix.

She turned around and wheeled back. “Because.. he suddenly stood at my door three days ago. Asking for a place to stay for the night.” He confesses. 

She should’ve known. His best friend's house. She felt relieved, even though she had a gut feeling of Evan being safe and sound, probably with one of his friends or Maddie. But only to get confirmation, felt like a weight had fallen off her shoulders.

“And one night became two nights, and now we’re on day three. And I kinda want my couch back..” he continued as he locked his glass in his hand. (Y/n) took a sip of her water as she listened to the words Eddie had to say. “So.. tell me your side. I won’t judge. Just a friend.. offering his listening ear.” he finished, as he waited for an answer from (Y/n), the girl he thought of as one of his sisters. 

A small sigh fell off her lips. “We got into a fight. I told him I wanted to postpone the wedding until I could walk without the walker.” Her stomach turned as she tried to make her way through the story. Her eyes fell down to the glass of water she was holding between her two hands. 

“And then?” Eddie’s voice asked, as he gave her some space to breathe and think. But he knew that wasn’t the entire story she wanted to tell. “But.. everything got worse..” she continued as a feeling of guilt and embarrassment filled her veins.

Her eyes started to focus on one point as she started to remember what happened the day before yesterday. “He basically called me selfish, but then he told me he knew what I was going through. And I just told him he was wrong. That no one knows what I am going through right now.” She tells him, as tears started to sting in her eyes.

All those things she said, she wished she could just rewind time and change everything. “And you started bringing up the lawsuit..” Eddie added for her. He knew exactly where this was going. 

She slowly let her head tilt up and down. “And that’s the moment where I lost it.” She didn’t know how to feel. There were way too many emotions running through her body. She stared into the distance as she let the nail of her index finger slide over her thumb, searching for dead skin.  “I didn’t mean those words Eddie.. it was just.. I-” she stumbled, she didn’t know what was the right emotion to connect to that moment. 

He could see her nervous habit taking over, so instead of ignoring it, he placed his hand onto hers, to stop her index finger from picking her skin. “You were upset, and in the heat of the moment you said words that you didn’t mean. We all do that sometimes.” Eddie squeezes her hand softly, just to let her know he was there. 

“You said no one knows what you’re going through right now.. But.. I think there’s one person who comes very close.” His voice said. (Y/n)’s eyes wandered to Eddie as her eyebrows furrowed and a confused look morphed onto her face. Who? Who had the same kind of experience as she did?

(Y/n) followed Eddie’s gaze as he nodded his head towards his son. 

Chris.

His own son, who had dealt with Cerebral Palsy for his entire life. Still, it wasn’t exactly what she was suffering from. But he had trouble walking, just like (Y/n). She wasn’t able to find the strength in her legs, just like him. But the more Chris trained and trained, he could walk without crutches sometimes. Some days were harder than the others.

She didn’t know how to start this kind of conversation. What did she want to ask him? She wasn’t sure. She couldn’t ask him on which team he was on, she wasn’t going to bring a child into their fight. 

Eddie slowly slid his hand back and folded it back onto his arm that was lying on the table. “Hey Chris, can I ask you something?”she softly asked as she watched Chris turn over the page to the next one. He put his pencil down next to the book as he looked at (Y/n). “Sure” he said. 

Her mouth was open, pausing as soon as she wanted to ask him something. She hesitated for a second. But what could go wrong? “How do you do it?” She started. Chris' face went from a neutral look to a confused one. ”You are so positive all of the time, aren’t these crutches some kind of disability?” She added, to clarify her question. 

“Mmm, no..” he answered as he thought of an explanation. “I think of them as training wheels.. That someday, I’ll be able to walk without them.” He explains.

Those words from Chris made (Y/n) think. But as soon as she was looking for words to ask him another thing, he spoke up again. “They are very useful as well! I mean, If I want to use an elevator I can just use the crutch to click the button” he laughs. 

A soft small smile was displayed on her face as she heard Chris’ giggles. He sounds just like Evan. Looking at things from the bright side. “Never lose hope, because everyday I use them I get a little bit better with controlling them and my body.” He said. He sounded so wise, as if he already lived a whole life before. 

“Practice makes perfect” she mumbled as she quickly wiped the tear that was rolling down her cheek from her face. “Don’t cry (Y/n)” Chris says as he notices her wiping the tear away. “You’ll be alright. You just need to hold on a little longer to those training wheels, but you’ll get there.” He added.

Maybe Chris had a point. At some point she had to accept the fact that she had training wheels, and even though she didn’t want it, it was a part of her now. That someday she could walk again without training wheels. 

She bit her lip as she tried to suppress the tears she felt coming up again. Chris hops off his chair as he makes his way around the table. With one hand holding the table, and the other one he clings himself around (Y/n)’s shoulders. Hugging her from the side.

(Y/n) firmly closed her eyes as she felt the kid clinging around her body. She brushed her hand over the shoulder of Chris as she opened her eyes and looked at Eddie, who was sitting there with a content look across his face.

Chris loosens his arms from the hug, as he goes back to the seat he was sitting in before. 

She wiped the last few tears from her face as her gaze met Eddie’s, who simply placed his hand onto her shoulder. “I remember when you guys got engaged.. you couldn’t wait, the two of you wanted to get married the same day if you could.” He said as he retrieved his hand again. 

She sighed at the memory. “That was before the accident, Eds” she exhaled. “I'm only gonna walk down that aisle one time” she added as she again avoided his eyes. “(Y/n)..” he sighed. 

He tried his best, but he wasn’t leaving defeated. He had one more last trick up his sleeve, to try and convince her to talk to Buck, to walk down that aisle. 

She thought she knew what he was talking her into. It felt like he was tricking her by using Chris. Both Eddie and Evan knew she had a weakness for that kid. “No Eddie.. I’m not doing it.” she answered. “Just hear me out. Please?” He begged her. 

He slowly placed his hand onto hers again, “Look.. there’s no way you’ll be able to walk without some kind of tool if you do decide to not postpone. You’re going to need those training wheels a little longer, just like Chris said.” He tells her, as he motioned his head towards his son again. 

”I think you need to find a compromise with Buck. That guy has been through hell and back, and still after your fight even if it doesn’t look like it, he still loves you.” his voice said as her eyes fluttered down to their hands. 

“So I’m asking you, as your friend, as your brother of a found family..” he added, as a chuckle fell off her lips. He didn’t care that (Y/n) wasn’t blood related. Eddie himself came to Los Angeles too to start over, just like Buck, and just like (Y/n). “Please talk to him? And make a compromise with him. Because I’ve never seen people so in love and yet so incredibly stupid.” He says as a small laugh leaves his mouth.

“Dad! Language!” Chris said with a warning tone as a laugh took over his voice. Eddie glanced a smile at his son before he turned back to (Y/n) again. “And I’m not only saying this because I want him off my couch..” he smiles. “But because I care about you two, and I don’t want to see this fight break anything between you.” 

That sounded like some good advice.

______

(Y/n) let out a nervous sigh as she got escorted into the hall. With her cane in her right hand she slowly hobbled into the space where she met Bobby. No walker, no wheelchair to be seen. Just (Y/n) in her beautiful dress with a cane in her right hand. 

She finally came to a compromise with Evan. After Eddie’s and Chris' advice, she came to her senses and made her move to visit the fire station while Evan was on shift. Totally taking a risk with the time she’d have talking to him. She had brought over her cane packed in a box, with a note inside saying “I’m sorry I acted so stupid. Compromise? - (Y/n)”  

Sure, she wasn’t happy with the fact that she still had to use a cane to walk down the aisle. But it was much more of an improvement than a walker. She had taken lots more physical therapy appointments, usually she was there twice a week, but she doubled it because she had faith again. Mainly because of the words of Chris. 

“Look who’s there..” Bobby’s voice said as he looked over his shoulder and immediately opened his arms. He carefully gave her a hug as he looked her up and down again. “You look beautiful!” he says as he quickly blinks the tears away. 

“Thanks Bobby” (Y/n)’s voice said quietly as she felt her stomach fill with more and more nerves as soon as she looked towards the huge door on Bobby's side. “See you have your new tool with you? Upgraded the walker, hmm?” Bobby said as he pointed out at the white walker, covered with some glitters and soft pink flowers. “Yeah, I crafted this one with the help of Chris. That kid really has an eye for creativity.” She chuckled as she let her warm sweaty hand wipe the skirt of the dress. 

“Got everything?” Bobby asks for confirmation. (Y/n) licked her lips as she quickly entered her mind to get her checklist. “The bouquet of flowers is inside, I don't have enough hands for that. Uhm.. Oh god no.. my vows..” her nervous, anxious look turned into a terrified look. 

Bobby could see the way she started to panic and placed his hand onto her shoulder. “Hey, everything is okay. Look.” He said as he fished the small envelope out his pocket and held it between his index and middle finger. It felt like the invisible hand around her airway started to loosen up just as she saw the envelope between Bobby’s two fingers. She held Bobby’s wrist and gasped for air. “Maddie gave it to me just before you came here. She was scared you might forget it with everything on your mind.” Bobby confessed. 

Thank god for her sister in law, she really thought of everything. 

“Okay.. You ready?” he asked as he held her free hand in his. “It’s not like I got a choice right?” she smiled as she squeezed Bobby’s hand. “I mean you could always run..” He jokes. (Y/n) laughed, she knew what was happening, Bobby was trying to get rid of the nervousness inside of her. Throwing some kind of icebreaker. 

(Y/n) took a deep breath and exhaled it, and nodded towards Bobby. They both turned towards the large entrance doors. She looped her arm around Bobby’s as she faced the doors. Within ten seconds, those doors opened and she was eye in eye with the entire room. 

With the music Evan and (Y/n) had chosen softly playing in the background she started walking slowly but steadily down the aisle, with her lovely cane on her other side. With her eyes locked on Evan, she walked faster than she thought. She could even see Evan wipe one or two tears from underneath his eyes. 

-

“And now, it’s time for the vows. (Y/n) would you like to start?” the officiant said as he pointed at (Y/n). She smiled as she looked Evan in the eyes and looked over her shoulder, searching for Bobby on the first row. 

Bobby quickly stood up as he handed her envelope over and got back to his seat. She gestured to him a soundless thankyou, and sighed. 

She leaned with her arm onto the cane and closed her eyes for a second. With a trembling hand, she folded the envelope open and took a deep breath. 

“Dear Evan, I always thought it would be difficult to find someone who will love me when I’m always scattered in a thousand pieces. But then I met you.

When I walked through those station doors a few years ago, you gave me the warmest welcome a probie could ask for. I still hate you for calling me probie, by the way. But in those years we became friends, we went from friends to lovers, from lovers to fiancés and today I get to add one last stadium to that. Husband and wife. 

I know I didn’t make it easy for you these past months, and I’m sorry for that. You were there for me when I pushed you away, cared for me and you stood by my side every single step of the way. And I promise you, that whatever life throws at us, I’ll be there on your side. 

I am the luckiest woman alive to spend the rest of my life with my soulmate and I cannot wait for more life adventures and to grow old with you. I vow to stand by you, trust you, respect you and support you. I promise to always cherish you until my last breath. I love you. Love, your wife, (Y/n)”

She knew she didn’t have every single thing on there that she wanted to say. But some things she had to tell him alone. Tears were shed across the piece of paper, but those were tears of joy. 

Laughter, smiles and sobs were shared during the vows. 

A smile spread across Evan’s face as he pulled her close and pressed a small peck on her lips. She was certain that she saw Evan wipe his hand underneath his eyes, getting rid of all the tears. He seemed tuff, like he could kill you, but inside he was a cinnamon roll.

All eyes were turned towards Evan as the officiant called his name and pointed with his hand at him. 

“If you told me to the person I was six years ago, that on this day I was going to marry the woman I love the most, I would’ve told you ‘are you out of your mind?’ I could never have imagined I would be in this place. A place where I look into the eyes of my best friend and pledge to you my love. 

You are the sweetest, most loving, caring and kind person I have ever known, and I have no doubt that you make me a better man. Look at what you did to me when you walked in. You believe in me and have shown me how to love with unconditional acceptance and everyday you reaffirm that you are my soulmate. 

I’m not sure that a lifetime is long enough for me to return all that you have given me, but I promise to spend all my days by your side. I believe in what we are and I will always love you with every beat of my heart. Love, your husband.”

(Y/n) pressed her lips into a thin line as she tried to suppress her tears and sobs. After everything she had put him through, he couldn’t hate her. As well as the other way around. Another letter more moist than dry. 

Evan placed both his hands onto her cheeks as she basically sandwiched her face. His thumbs slowly and carefully slid underneath her eyes. “You’re ruining your makeup with all those tears” he laughed.

She laughed through her tears as she pressed her eyes closed and let her forehead connect with his. 

She belonged with him, all those words proved it to her.

[llamagoddessofficial]

You don't have to read this, but I've been thinking about ways to escape that situation. I would consider this a test run because we don't know their hunting strategies. Instead of focusing on running away, I would focus on understanding their patterns, as we know they are Mafia workers who search for people, and we don't know what kind of roles they have in their search. I'm considering whether or not to tell Dust about something, but I'm worried that he or my home might be bugged. If I do decide to tell him, I'll write a note explaining my reasons and wait for Horror to watch over us. While I wait, I'll inspect the garden for any weak points in the walls and observe the usual guard shift times. I might also pretend to have trouble sleeping and ask for some sleeping medication. I know Nightmare would attempt to help me, but he can't be available 24/7, and he won't be there every night, and I would ask for some sleep medication. And when it's Horror's turn I will dump the appropriate amount in his food or drink to mask the drugs when adding drugs to food or drink, I would use sugar to mask the taste and spices to cover up the smell. He is the main person hunting us down, and it's frustrating for Killer and Dust because they primarily used him to track us from the beginning. I will use the tough fabric of our curtains to tie knots and cut them to make a makeshift rope. Then, I will hail the nearest taxi, pay in cash, and instruct the driver to take us to the docks. I would take a boat tour to travel to the other side of the lake assuming that we live near one. They usually don't ask for ID, but I would choose a cheaper one just in case. I would be willing to pay extra if they do ask for it. Once I reach the other side, I would go to one of the destinations and start my new life without them.

An admirable attempt, to be sure. And there's a genuine chance you could get some distance away before they find you, which is no small feat. But there are some pitfalls you might have overlooked.

Guard shifts overlap. Nightmare has been in the game long enough to know the common breaks in armour. He's not just keeping you in; he's keeping his enemies out.

The boys might be dumb, but they're not stupid. They're incredibly observant. They would be able to tell that you're watching the guards.

Nightmare will be able to smell mounting anxiety about an escape attempt.

Where would you get the cash for the taxi? Additionally, you are really throwing the dice by getting a cab from outside Nightmare's home. Good luck finding a driver that isn't on Nightmare's payroll. In fact, good luck finding anywhere in the city where there isn't anyone loyal to Nightmare. There's a reason Dust was so agitated by Nightmare liking you... there's a reason he told you you can't leave.

You're gonna need a lot of fucking sleep meds to knock Horror out for any significant amount of time.

Horror is the fastest at finding you, sure. But if he's out of action, Nightmare will happily take his place on the hunt. And that isn't a good thing for you.

Also... perhaps the biggest issue.

You know food is sacred to Horror right? Incredibly sacred. To him, it's synonymous with love, with care, with connection. Food sharing in the Underground was how you told someone you valued their life. And accepting food was how you expressed the ultimate vulnerability. Horror doesn't accept food from just anyone.

Not only did you tamper with his food, you offered it to him under false pretences. You took advantage of the fact that he cared for you enough to eat/drink whatever you offer. I hope you realise you've absolutely shattered his trust.

He will never believe you, or let his guard down around you, ever again.

You monster.

[dellalalakang]

triple n: RIP kang della

masterlist | main masterlist

— lhs, pjs, sjy, psh —

well.......

contains: fivesome. really rough (choking, slapping, etc.), DELLA HAS AN IUD!!, della getting absolutely manhandled, her hands gets restrained for a bit, BUT THEN THERE IS A BIT OF DOM!DELLA ACTION, double penetration (as in anal), tiiiiiny bit of breeding kink, kitten as a nickname kink, daddy kink (sorry guys lol ik i said i wouldn't but i can't help it), i also said that they're never goofy during sex but we have the 02z in one session y'all— it's bound to get a little silly, LONGEST FIC I'VE WRITTEN (7.3k WORDS), longest + most detailed + most insane smut i've ever written omg i dont think i will EVER top this

happy belated anniversary my darlings 🤍 happy two years to della and her men (and alice) ✨

AND HAPPY ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO ENHA'S (5/8) LOSS IN NNN! this chapter takes place on midnight 2022/11/11 (so i kinda thought that was today bcs dumbo self messed up the dates so i'm one day late but it's all good)

hi guys! i missed you! i will try to reply to asks soon! i'm so sorry for disappearing again, life has been rough and moving too fast 😭 DID NOT PROOFREAD BECAUSE I AM EMBARRASSED

Kang Della is going to die tonight.

While not literally, she was definitely going to be reborn as a new woman.

"Lala, stop praying. You're not actually gonna die," Sunoo said, more interested in his phone than his overreacting girlfriend. "You're gonna have so much fun, and we have the day off tomorrow. It'll be great."

"Sunoo shut up and help me pray," Della herself was already dressed, cleaned up and ready to head out.

But certainly not ready to meet the hyuppas.

"Why are we even praying when you're going to be doing something so sinful?"

There were three possible outcomes from tonight; One, the hyuppas being so annoyed that they prefer to ignore her for a bit. Though that is just her anxiety talking.

Two, they would take turns with her for four days straight. Which also means that she would have a limp and some back pain for a week or so.

Or three, they would all have their way with her, at the same time.

And the last option seems to be the most likely.

❅◦❆◦❅◦❆◦❅◦❆◦❅◦❆

"Oh, hi! Oppa! Really funny seeing you here but Sunghoon-oppa asked for beer, so here—" Jake immediately pulled Della into his room before she could escape from what was coming.

"You're in massive trouble, young lady," the girl would've laughed if the situation wasn't as serious. Who actually says that sentence in real life? Sim Jaeyun, apparently.

"Oh, wow! All the hyuppas are here!" Della laughed nervously. "Seems like you guys are preparing to have a celebration together! Wouldn't want boring 'ole Della making things all boring!" 

The stern look on all four men made Della withdraw into herself. She avoided eye contact by playing with her nails, mentally preparing herself for the scolding.

"Kang Della, sit down," Heeseung ordered, gesturing the couch with his eyebrows.

"Ah.. I really need to my room though, Yunji-unnie's waiting for me," Della hopes that she could somehow avoid the earful, though it is looking very improbable. "So I'm just here to hand over the beer and—" she gasped when Jay slowly took her hands and held them behind her back like a criminal.

"Do you know how hard it was to wait for you?" he said in a low tone. "The only reason why we did this stupid challenge was because of you."

Jay's deep voice caused Della's skin to erupt in goosebumps. She bit her lip as her heart started pumping faster. She tried to look into his eyes but quickly adverted her gaze when she saw how handsome he looked with his expression. She could feel herself getting wet again.

"The fucking audacity you had to lose to someone who wasn't even a part of this bullshit of a challenge," Sunghoon walked over and held her face with both hands. He noticed a familiar scent within the proximity. "You've been fucking drinking too. You did a lot with Sunoo, huh?" 

She had forgotten about the alcohol in her system, now understanding why her brain seems so hazy. She barely drank anything, but she is a major lightweight. The drink Sunoo gave her, mixed with the lack of sexual attention (and undeniably, Sunoo's seduction) must be why she lost the game so easily.

"I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't plan it or anything. Honest!" she replied with puppy eyes. While the look stirred something inside Sunghoon, it certainly wasn't sympathy. 

"Even if you didn't plan it, you still did it, didn't you?" he asked in an eerily calm voice. "You can't really take it back now, can you?" he brushed her bangs back but kept his hold firm. "Even if it was silly little foreplay."

Everything Sunghoon did just made her core uncomfortably wet. She was embarrassed to clutch her legs tighter but her mind was just occupied with how stunning he looked and how hot his words were.

"No," Della whined, shamelessly staring at his lips. "I'm sorry, oppas."

"Do you know what's gonna happen now?" Sunghoon asked, staring at her lips as well.

"Am I getting punished?" Della bit her lip at the thought.

"You're gonna deal with us four, yeah? We've been stupidly waiting for over a week," Sunghoon caressed her cheeks before forcefully making her look at the two boys on the bed. "Look at them. We all deserve to be relieved from this challenge, hm?" he whispered in her ear.

"Nghh," Della whined at the sight of Jake and Heeseung. They were sitting on the joint bed with a can of beer in their hands. They were intently staring at the three of them, anticipating their next moves and patiently waiting for their turn. They knew that hard-dom Sunghoon would be the best at disciplining Della in bed, while romantic Jay would really show her just how serious they are.

"Do you think you can do that?" Sunghoon whispered again, causing Della to gulp and nod her head. "Use your words."

"I'm gonna deal with all four of you," she said timidly. She has never handled more than two people before, and now she's jumping straight to four.

But she is excited. Extremely excited.

"Good girl," Jay kept his hold with one hand, using the other to stroke her hair. "Your safe word today is red and yellow, okay? Regardless of Korean or English."

"Okay, oppa," Della closed her eyes at the gentle kiss Jay left on her hair. Suddenly all the nerves left and she's just left with pure anticipation.

"Good girl," although the words were identical to Jay's, Sunghoon's praise sounded rougher, more possessive. "Now come here."

Sunghoon connected his lips to hers hungrily while his hands moved to grope her bare breasts under her pyjama top. 

Jay let out a small smirk, his hands busily tying her wrists with the neck tie he prepared. His recently free hands then moved to unbutton her top, helping Sunghoon get easier access.

"You're not wearing a fucking bra. Sunoo must've enjoyed these babies, huh?" Jay said against her neck as his hands replaced Sunghoon's. The latter's opted to move down and roam his hands on Della's hourglass figure.

"Did he? Answer Jay," Sunghoon mumbled on her lips before shifting his kisses to her neck.

"No, he didn't," Della whimpered at the stimulation. Her legs were now almost crossed at how eager she is for some sort of sexual activity.

"Aish, that kid," Jay cursed, pulling away from Della to grab himself a beer. "Won 3N but didn't even fully enjoy it," he then pat Heeseung's shoulder and sat down beside Jake. "Tag. You're it."

Heeseung smirked, taking a big swig of his drink before making his way to Dehoon. With some liquid courage, he knew that they would all have a long, wild night ahead of them. They all definitely need a few cans because they desperately need this.

"You could've tagged me, y'know?" Jake pointed at his roommate.

"Shut up," Jay sipped his drink. "Just go over and join them– who's stopping you?"

"Nah, I'm actually enjoying the view," the younger laid back and rested his upper body weight on his forearm. The two watched as Sunghoon pulled away as soon as he noticed Heeseung.

"I told you to sit down, didn't I?" Heeseung practically mumbled, using his free hand to push her down onto the couch. "Why didn't you listen to me but obeyed Sunghoon and Jongseong?"

Della's mouth watered at the angle. If her instincts were correct, she was gonna suck someone off, most probably Heeseung. 

And she absolutely loves giving head.

Heeseung especially tends to let out these adorable sounds that are music to her ears. She knows that he will try to hold them back since they're not alone, but she is determined to have this gorgeous man let loose of his (almost) equally gorgeous noises.

"I'm sorry, oppa," the lower angle made Della's puppy eyes look even more cute. "I was just nervous."

"You know what those eyes do to me," Heeseung ran a thumb over her lip. "Should we forgive her, Sunghoon?" he sucked in a breath when she took his thumb into her mouth to suck gently.

"We'll see about that," a loud zipper sound filled the room as Sunghoon aggressively undid his pants. "Open up," and his cock was in front of Della's face in no time.

She did not need to be told twice. Her eyes instantly closed as her tongue swirled around the tip. She played around with it for a few seconds before pushing it all the way to the back of her throat.

"Fuckkk, I missed this," Sunghoon threw his head back. "So fucking good," he bit his lip harshly.

Upon the sight, Heeseung hurriedly lowered his sweatpants with one hand, but struggled to get his hard-on out from the tightness of his boxers. He eventually succeeded once Sunghoon helped by taking the beer out of his hands.

"Pay attention to hyung too," Sunghoon said and took a large gulp of the liquid. 

Della wasted no time in having Heeseung inside her mouth with her tongue swirling around the girth. She didn't care as her hair got everywhere.

"Thereee you go," Heeseung grunted, pushing the hair behind her shoulders and brushed her bangs back . "Ah fuck!" he bit his lip to try and contain his sounds.

"Ya– I meant divide your attention, not completely move on to him," Della gasped as Sunghoon pulled her hair so she could come back to him. "Back and forth, baby, you can do it."

It is definitely difficult. Della has never given head with her hands tied before, let alone with two dicks.

But if the boys know anything about their baby, they'll know that she is not a quitter; she will persist until she's absolutely certain she can't.

She bobbed her head two times on Sunghoon before switching back to Heeseung to repeat her movements, and doing the same to Sunghoon again. The perspective was so hot that Sunghoon's breath turned heavy and Heeseung's moans were audible again.

Jay and Jake, on the other hand, were getting a bit impatient because they could barely see anything. Sunghoon could almost sense it, and as he turned his head to look at his two best friends, he found Jake fiddling with his can while Jay tapped his hand in wait.

"Hyung, let's move to the bed," Sunghoon breathed out, pulling Della away from him and up from the sofa. Della whined at the loss but let herself be moved around like a doll. "Be fucking patient. You were willing to wait for a month, you can definitely handle a few seconds," Sunghoon slapped her lightly.

DellaTheMasochist only gave him an annoyed look with a bratty pout, making him slap her once more. 

"Oh you're gonna be a little brat, huh? I'll deal with you fucking later," he then carefully pushed her to Jay's arms, causing Della to smile in adoration. No matter how rough sex is with Sunghoon, he's still a huge softy.

"Well hello there," Jay caught her with one hand. "Were you being a bit bratty?" he asked while fixing her hair gently.

"No, never," Della shook her head innocently. Sunghoon grinned as he opened himself a can, sitting on the bed beside Heeseung. 

Her absolute brattiness only comes out to Sunghoon. She's an angel with Jay, putty with Jake, and a dominant with Heeseung.

"Of course not, you're our princess," Jay breathed down her neck and captured a nipple in his mouth. He blindly handed Jake his drink so he could use both hands to hug her waist. He spent a few minutes slowly enjoying her boobs, leaving hickeys all around the area. 

The three knew that Jay liked his intimacy, so they didn't interrupt.

He eventually laid her between himself and Jake, opting to just stroke her hair for now. Della was settling into a more comfortable position when Jay noticed that Jake's hands were now free from the cans he was holding. 

He gestured for the Aussie to begin, eliciting a grin from Jake before hovering above Della.

"Hi, baby," Jake whispered. His attractive face and accent left a small blush to her cheeks. "I missed you," he connected their lips together in a steamy kiss. 

The thing with Dake is that they don't always have a clear dominant in the bedroom. Most times it's Jake while others it's Della. What's crystal is that they are really passionate together. Practically straight out of an erotic movie.

"I'm still annoyed about Triple N but I miss you too much to fucking care right now," he ran his hands down from her sides, eventually tugging her shorts and panties down as far as he could. "Just wanna devour you."

He then proceeded to make his way down until he was off the bed with his face in between her legs. He completely got rid of her lower garments and took a deep breath, biting his lip before diving into her heat. One of his favourite things to do with her, and something that she desperately needed.

"Ah fuck!" Della threw her head back, pressing her thighs against his head. "Ahhh Jakey!" she whined. 

"Sensitive babyy," Jay cooed and held her face with his hand. "You almost gave this up for a month, you know?" he left small kisses all over her face.

"November's my birthday month, she ain't gonna give this up for the whole thirty," Jake pulled back slightly to comment. With his accent and slight mumbling, Jay could barely understand what he was saying. Della, however, understood perfectly.

"I told you that I would give you an exception, right?" Della's answer just connected the dots for Jay. Big mistake.

"You promised him an exception?" Jay halted his caresses to seriously ask. But Jake had resumed his mission, and Della is far too distracted to answer. "Fucking answer me– you gave him an exception?" he tightened his grip on her face.

"Y-yeah, for his birthday," Jay let out a scoff at her answer and humourlessly chuckled.

"I was gonna go easy on you and let these guys do their own thing," his voice turned rough, something he didn't think he would do tonight. "But you were gonna give Jake an exemption and that– pay attention," he slapped her lightly when she moaned to his face. 

"Sorry, oppa," Della whined, finding it difficult to concentrate when Jake's mouth was pleasuring her so well.

"It pisses me off," Jay whispered roughly. "Instead of just calling the challenge off, you were gonna make the three of us wait 'til the end," he smirked at how hard she was struggling to contain her sounds of pleasure. He let go of her roughly to sit up."Sorry man, I gotta take it from here," he pat Jake's shoulder. 

"Mmkay," Della moaned loudly when Jake gave out one last suck to her clit. "I call dibs on cleaning her off though," he smiled widely while licking his wet lips.

"Deal," Jay immediately flipped Della over onto her stomach. "Tsk tsk tsk, Lala..." he swiftly took his shorts and boxers off in one go. "Stay down," he firmly instructed as he removed her restrains.

The three boys couldn't stop the grin when they watched Jay unleash his beast. The Jay they've seen before was nowhere near as aggressive.

"Have fun, bro," Sunghoon hollered. "Have fun, princess," he toasted his beer at Della when she made eye contact.

"I'm gonna fuck you now, yeah?" Jay whispered in her ear. He noticed the goosebumps that rose on her back as he was lifting her hips and parting her legs. "Hold on tight," he warned, handing her a pillow.

He bit the bottom of his sleeveless shirt just so he could get a clearer look of his shaft rubbing against her folds. 

"Aghh," both Della and Jay groaned when his full length entered her. "Fuckk!" after ten days, he knew he had to let Della adjust a little. Yet he also knew that she didn't need long based on how wet she is and how Sunoo had prepped her.

So not long after, he pulled back and thrusted into her. Hard.

"Ngghhh!" Della squeezed her eyes shut while tightly hugging the pillow. "Oppaaa!" she moaned loudly.

"God! I fucking missed this!" Jay grumbled out. The cloth was no longer in his mouth and he had his head thrown back. "Fuck!"

He kept his hands on her hips as he pounded into her. Slow, but powerful thrusts.

"Ahhh! Oppaaaa!" Della continued to moan loudly. "Oh my God!" she realised how noisy she was being, so she began to muffle her sounds into the pillow.

"Oh no you don't," Jay grunted. Instead of taking the pillow away from her, he decided to flip her onto her back. Essentially switching to the missionary position. "Oh hi there, sweetie," he smirked at her, leaning down to place a kiss on her lips. "Hold on," he forcefully placed her hands on his shoulders before resuming his thrusts.

"Shit!" Della gasped, struggling to maintain eye contact with Jay as he continued to fuck her in the same manner. "Jay-oppaaa!" she practically screamed. Her nails starting holding on for dear life, scratching the skin of his biceps and her mouth was stuck open with nonstop moans.

The three other boys were turned on as hell.

Jake kept adjusting the bulge in his pants while Sunghoon and Heeseung had to constantly shift in their seats.

Waiting was especially hard for Heeseung as he barely got to touch Della in ten days. So he downed two cans and working on his third in no time, making him slightly tipsy and extremely impatient. 

And the sight of her mouth opening just reminded him of something.

"That's it," he crawled across to Jella's side of the bed. "Sunghoon said we were moving to the bed, so you're not done sucking me off," he sat on his knees beside Della's. "Sorry, Jongseong-ah," he breathed out and helped guide Della's mouth to his length.

"By all means, hyung," Jay pulled away and halted his movement to let Della find a comfortable position. "You better do your best. We know you can do it, baby," he whispered to Della, taking off his shirt as he waited.

"Shittt!" Heeseung moaned practically straight after Della's mouth wrapped around him. "There you go, baby– just like that," he assisted by thrusting so that all she had to do was just suck around him and pump what she can't.

"I'll start moving again," Jay began thrusting as soon as he alerted Heela. "Aghh," he grunted, furrowing his eyebrows together. The view of Della sucking someone off in front of him just made him want to fuck her even harder.

He needs to hear her moans even if they were muffled.

"Ahh! Lala!" Heeseung whined when Della kept moaning around him. "Just like that! Sooo good! Nghh!"

Since his mind was foggy from the alcohol, he didn't even bother to hold back on his moans. Even when they start to get a little too subby.

Meanwhile, Sunghoon and Jake wanted to join in so badly, but fear that they would overwhelm their baby. Though they can't just sit there and do nothing.

So they decided to devise a plan for when their turn comes.

"Have you... ever done anal?" Sunghoon awkwardly asked Jake after covering his dick with a pillow. "Like do it from the butt?"

"Me or Della?" Jake's question made the ice prince slap his arm.

"Della, of course," Sunghoon scolded.

"Ack! No– I just gotta make sure I understood what you meant," Jake explained. "No, we haven't."

"I have and I brought condoms and lube," Sunghoon pointed at his luggage. "So here's the thing... Della has been quite curious to try like.. two people.. like.." Sunghoon tried to find the words to explain it in a way that Jake would understand, knowing that the guy mostly knows English sexual terms.

"Like at the same time? Double?" Jake asked while bringing his hands up for gesture.

"Uh, double," Sunghoon nodded, instantly feeling awkward again. "Do you... wanna try it with me? It's her first time and maybe you can do the... back because you've never tried it before."

Jake was quick to make up his mind, all thanks to the two beers he had downed.

"Let's do it," he raised his hand to dap Sunghoon up. "Jellahoon, am I right?"

"Of course," Sunghoon grinned.

"Fuck! I can't cum already!" Heeseung grit his teeth and slowed down his hips. "Lalaaa," he whined.

It was then when Della finally pulled away from the blowjob. She looked into his eyes whilst her hand kept pumping his shaft.

"Heeseung, babyy. What did I tell you about holding back?" she forced herself to restrain her moans just so she could remind him who's in charge.

Fortunately, Jay, who was finding the exchange amusing (also wanting Della all to himself during his orgasm), had slowed down his thrusts to help her focus.

"To never do that because only bad boys hold back," Heeseung's rational thoughts went straight out the window. He was fully going to show his dongsaengs that Lee Heeseung is a sub. A major one. "But I'm not even inside you yet!"

"Come here, baby," Della got up from her position. "I'll be back," she placed a quick kiss on Jay's lips. 

"Go ahead," Jay was so intrigued at his hyung and girlfriend's new side that he didn't care about his delayed orgasm— as long as he gets it straight after Heeseung reaches his.

"Poor babyy," Della cooed at Heeseung, brushing his hair back. "Why don't you sit comfortably and let Lala do the work?"

The 02z watched in amazement as they discover how their hyung is actually like in bed. They watched him obey Della's instructions like clockwork, as if he's done this a million times.

He rested his back against the pillows with his legs ajar. His large bambi eyes were stuck on Della the whole time, looking absolutely lovestruck.

"Take off your shirt," Della pointed lazily, getting on top of his lap. "You're a good boy, right?" she connected their foreheads together and aligned him to her entrance. 

All Heeseung could do was nod enthusiastically.

"Then don't hold back," Della whispered before sliding down on his length. 

"Ahh!" both Heeseung and Della let out high-pitched moans. As Della bounced up and down, Heeseung's hands automatically went to wrap around her waist.

"Sh-shit!" Heeseung hugged her tighter while squeezing his eyes shut. Because he was already close earlier, it took no time for him to reach that point again. "Lalaaa!"

"Feel so good, Heeseung– ahhh!" when it comes to Heeseung, Della (most of the time) tries to compose herself. She's taking care of him after all.

"Shit– is that what it looks like when Della rides you?" Sunghoon asked under his breath. "That's fucking hot."

His hand then tried to secretly stimulate himself, making sure that neither Jake or Jay could notice. Jay, on the other hand, was openly pumping himself, not caring that his best friends could be looking.

"Damn, you're pretty big, bro," Jake suddenly blurted out at Jay. "Nice one."

"Thanks, I guess," Jay chuckled and kept moving his hand, not feeling awkward in the slightest.

"Why were you looking at his dick?" Sunghoon snickered, but that brought Jake's attention to him and that's when the latter noticed his sneaky hand.

"Why are you secretly jacking off? Just do it like Jay, no balls!" Jake slapped his calf. "We're literally in the middle of a fivesun—"

"Fivesome," Jay corrected him.

"Fivesome!"

"Ew, no! I feel so exposed! Like I'll be jerking off in front of you!" Sunghoon completely removed his hand from his dick. "And it's easy for you to say! You're still fully clothed!"

"It's not like we've never seen you naked bef–"

"02z, if you're not gonna suck each other off then shut the fuck up," Della interrupted their bickering while making eye contact. "Your hyung's trying to cum in peace."

"Yes ma'am," "Sorry," "Sorry," they all apologised quietly, hoping that no one notices their erection hardening even more. They hate admitting their thirst for Della's dominance. 

Or to be accurate; They love her dominance, yet hate admitting their desire to be like Heeseung.

But it's not like the 02z have never been docile to DommeDella. 

"Sunghoon, don't be fucking weird or I'll repeat last month's occurrences," Della's threat immediately made Sunghoon's skin erupt in goosebumps. He just hopes that she won't elaborate and reveal to his friends what exactly happened.

Thankfully, she didn't.

"Are you okay, baby?" Della went back and cooed to Heeseung, keeping her pace steady as she cradled his head.

"I'm gonna cuuuum," he sobbed. "Fuck! Lalaaa!"

"There you go. Don't hold back, Heeseung baby," Della mustered up all the energy she had to quicken her pace.

"Ahhhh! Lalaaa!" Heeseung used his tight hold to assist her bounces before ultimately letting out a loud gasp as he released spurts and spurts of warm cum. "Oh my God, babyy," he sighed and relaxed his shoulders.

"Good boyy," Della halted her thrusts, caressing his hair lovingly. "Filling me up soo good," she placed tiny kisses on his head. "I love you, baby."

"I love you too, Lala," Heeseung breathed out. "Thank you," he pulled himself away to connect their lips.

They were stuck in a slow make-out session for a while before Jay grew impatient and pulled Della away from the older. 

"You didn't forget about me, did you?" Jay grumbled in her ear. "I gave you time to fuck hyung but now you forgot about us?" he lifted her up like she weighed nothing and placed her front facing down.

"You're being rude, Jay. Your hyung needed to—" Della cut herself off with a gasp when Jay landed a firm spank on her ass.

"You're not in control no more," he said in a low voice, lifting her waist up slightly. "Where are your manners?"

"I'm sorry, oppa," Della whimpered when he spread her pussy lips. She could feel Heeseung's cum slowly pouring out of her. As always, he came a lot.

"Shitt– hyung," Jay called for Heeseung to see. The latter had pretty much sobered up from earlier and is back to his usual self.

And at least for now, he still had not realised what he had done in front of his dongsaengs. 

"Keep it in, baby," Heeseung took two of his fingers and pushed the cum back inside her, causing Della to gasp. "Add onto it, Jongseong," he patted Jay's bare shoulder with his clean hand before heading towards the bathroom.

"My pleasure," Jay whispered. He wrapped his arms around Della's body and instantly pushed himself inside her once again. "Fuckkk, Della."

"Yess! Oppaa!" Della squeezed her eyes shut, letting out babbles of words that barely made any sense. She could feel Heeseung's cum slowly absorbing inside her as Jay fucked it deeper. The sounds of the moisture only turning on everyone in the room more.

"Fuck! You're gonna cum soon, aren't ya?" Jay's hard-but-slow pace tried to quicken when he felt Della tightening around him. "Just a little more, baby– Oppa's almost there, wait for me," he left kisses on the side of her face as he tried to concentrate on cumming together with his girl.

Fortunately for him, Della knows exactly what to do in this situation.

"Fill me up good, oppa. Make me feel so full," Jay had never verbally admitted it to her, but she knows that he has a breeding kink. "Stuff me full of—"

"FUUUUCK, I'm cumming!" Jay's left hand frantically went to search for Della's. "C'mere baby," while his right hand went to bring her face to his. 

They connected their lips together, essentially muffling their moans (and screams). Della used her free hand to hold onto his head, making the scene look even more sweet.

"I love you, Della," Jay mumbled against her lips.

"I love you, Jay," Della whined at the feeling of her own orgasm mixed with Jay's (and Heeseung's). "So, so much."

"So, so much," Jay left a final kiss on her forehead before getting off of her back. His eyes immediately went to her cum-filled entrance. "Good girl, keep it in," he grunted, his eyebrows furrowing at the sight of barely any cum leaking out. 

He chuckled when Della wiggled her ass for fun. "How cute," he slapped her ass and stood up. "Agh fuck, you really milked me dry."

"Come on, it hasn't been THAT long, guys," Della rolled her eyes. "We didn't even last the whole month."

Just as she finished talking, a harsher slap was placed on her ass.

"You fuck four men on a daily basis– you still think you could've handled it?" Sunghoon asked, flipping Della onto her back. "Do I also need to remind that you were the one who gave in first? YOU?" he grabbed onto her leg to pull her closer to the edge of the bed and closer to him. "Don't make me teach you a lesson."

"Go easy on her, Sunghoon-ah. She's about to receive a handful with you and Jaeyun," Heeseung reminded. He grabbed Jay's and his cans of beer before joining Jay on the bed. The two were now dressed in their boxers.

"Yeah, just shut up and let's do our shit," Jake impatiently took off his pants but kept his shirt on, only removing his zip-up. "You've done anal, baby?" Della nodded her head in enthusiasm. "Yeah? And you like it?"

"Mhmm! Are we doing what I think we're doing?" Jake chuckled at her excitement. 

"You're adorable. Isn't it gonna hurt, baby?" the tips of Jake's fingers began grazing Della's thigh.

"I wanna be closer to my men," Della gave out a seductive look to both Jake and Sunghoon, making sure to use Korean so Sunghoon would understand.

"How cute," Sunghoon mumbled. "Don't forget your safe words," he ran a hand through Della's hair before laying down on the bed, legs still seated on the edge.

"Is she getting on top of you or me?" Jake asked his partner. "Isn't it more comfortable with you on top?"

"I mean... It's easier for me to thrust but it's more comfortable for her to hug me, no?" Sunghoon explained. "Won't it be unstable if she lays on her back?"

"No– Della should be on her stomach, on her back is difficult, I think," Heeseung pointed at the three.

"Are you doing double?" Jay's eyes widened when he realised what they were discussing. 

"Uh," Jakehoon replied briefly.

"Then Della should be on her stomach and the one who does the back thrusts from behi– on top," Jay gave his take.

"No– the reason why I say she should be on her back is because she needs to be distracted from the pain and Sunghoon would be able to thrust and properly do that," Jake tried to explain his take. "Otherwise his movements are limite—"

Their discussion was cut off by a loud groan from Della, followed by the girl hovering over Sunghoon chest-to-chest.

"Stop taking so fucking long and just fuck me," she wasted no more time and slipped Sunghoon's cock into her entrance.

"Oh my God!" "Oh fuck!" the two hissed at the sudden feeling. 

"Fucking finally!" Sunghoon threw his head back. "Come here, kitten," he repositioned Della a little so he could move more comfortably. 

Thanks to his long legs, all he needed to do so was to hold her in place.

"So fucking tight," he said with gritted teeth. He was never one to make a lot of noises in bed, but with his buddies around, he's determined to look cool. He was gonna try to contain his facial expressions, which is something he never holds back on.

Yet his plan went straight out the window when Della adorably cuddled into his chest. 

"Oppaaa," she whined.

"Aww, kitten– my princess," he cooed, bringing one of his hands to hug her close. "Does that feel good, kitten?"

Della could only mew louder and nuzzle her head more, making all four boys coo at the sight.

"This seems enough for you, baby. Do you really need more?" Jake went up to her face to tease while his lubed finger equally teased her back entrance.

Della looked into his eyes and said the one name that the two have kept a secret for a long time. 

"Please, daddy?" 

Jake halted for a second, taken aback at the sudden change of mind. He was not one to be shy about his kink, but Della was a bit apprehensive that the members just won't understand.

But weirdly enough, none of the boys reacted, as if they already knew of the fact.

"Sunghoon, stop moving for a second," Jake went back to his position and squeezed more lube onto Della's hole. "Stay relaxed, darling," he warned Della before pushing a finger in.

"Mmm," she closed her eyes and pursed her lips.

"I'm right here, princess," Sunghoon whispered in her ear. "Relax some more," and immediately continued his movements.

"There ya go, good girl," Jake muttered, slowly twisting and pumping his finger. When Della was almost fully relaxed and resumed her previous moaning, Jake gradually added another finger in and followed by another once she adjusted to that as well. "Such a good girl."

"Ahh! I'm gonna cum!" Della announced, pushing her upper body up to catch a glimpse of what Jake's doing. "Fuck!" her eyes rolled back as she turned back to Sunghoon. "Oh my Goodness!" her moans only got louder when she looked at Sunghoon's facial expressions.

As always, his eyebrows were furrowed the whole time while he switched between biting/licking his lips, having his mouth open or gritting his teeth. He had completely forgotten about his initial plan of restraining himself.  

"Go cum, darling," he choked out, giving his last few hard thrusts after Della threw her head back and cried out. 

He almost let out a sigh of relief. If Della waited just a few seconds longer, he too would've been calling to cum and he did not want that just yet.

"Relax a bit, kitten," neither Sunghoon nor Jake pulled out, but they wanted to give Della time to catch her breath.

"What a good girl," Jay noticed Jake ripping open the condom wrapper and immediately sprung to action. "Taking four men so well," he continued to drop praises while caressing her hair.

"If it gets too much, please let us know and Jake can jerk off for the night or something," Heeseung also joined in with a joke.

"Hyung!" Jake whined. He somehow successfully got the condom on with just one hand, and is now lathering his length with the lube.

"Byee daddy" Jay added fuel to the fire by grinning and waving at him. 

"Shut the fuck up, Jay, I complimented you earlier," Jake sent a glare at his friend.

"The tension is insane. Now kiss," Della lifted her head to comment.

No matter how many times she has teased them, they have never expressed or voiced their discomfort, which she knows they aren't afraid to do. In Della's mind, this would imply that the possibility of it happening is not zero.

"Aish Lalaa!" "Eyy!" "Babe!" "Aghh" the four boys complained, with Jake adding an additional smack to her ass.

"You think his dick is big, right? You have my permission and sucking ONE dick does not make you ga—" 

"Okay, that's enough," Sunghoon spoke up and gave her one hard thrust. "Jake and I still need to cum, princess. Stop the yapping."

"I'm sorry, oppa," Della whimpered, bringing her head down to rest on Sunghoon's chest again.

"I'm only letting you off since you've been so good to us, understand? Don't test my patience," he said in a low voice, his hips starting to move in a steady pace once again.

"Understood," Della let out a high-pitched moan at the stimulus but was cut off with her own gasp as Jake pulled his fingers out.

"I'm putting it in," Jake breathed out. He squeezed some more lube on Della's rim before slowly entering. "FUCK!"

"Mmh!" Della had her eyes squeezed shut, trying to adjust to his size (especially with Sunghoon in her other hole).

"Our strong baby," "Such a good girl," Jay and Heeseung showered her in praises, using their hands to caress her arm and back while Sunghoon does so with her hair.

"Fuck– so fucking tight," Jake threw his head back when he was fully inside her. "Hang in there, baby, good job," he smoothed his hand over her ass.

"Yellow?" Heeseung asked about the safe word, just in case.

"Green," she quickly answered. "Can you move slowly, oppa?" her head shifted to make eye contact with Sunghoon.

"Of course, darling," he placed a kiss on her hair before slowly pumping her. "Shit, kitten," he squeezed his eyes shut and threw his head back.

Because of Jake, she felt tighter than usual but was still wet as ever. He knew he couldn't last long, especially after nearly cumming earlier.

"Jaeyun, please move," Della breathed out, starting to feel pleasure again.

Both Jake and Della let out a loud gasp at the sensation. The pace began to quicken in no time, making the scene look like it came straight out of an incognito site. 

"Oh my– fuuuuuuck!" Della moaned loudly, feeling fuller than she's ever felt. "Oppaaa! Daddyyyy!" little tears began pooling in the corner of her eyes. "Aaaaaaahhh!"

"So good, baby. Taking both of us so well," Jake leaned forward to mumble in her ear. "Shittt, so tight baby," his face held a large smile and left temporary hickies around her neck and shoulders. "My good girl."

There's no doubt that the back end is tighter, but Jake's favourite was really the sight of having two of her holes stuffed, and the fact that him and Sunghoon were the first ones to do that.

The three were so into each other that they didn't notice Heeseung getting up to retrieve Sunghoon's old, red iPhone. He knew that they would want the scene to be recorded— for their eyes only, of course.

"I'm recording," Heeseung announced before pressing record. They all turned to Heeseung for a second and resumed like nothing happened.

"Come here, kitten," Sunghoon grunted, pulling Della's face in for a kiss. She moaned into his mouth when she felt her two best friends quicken their pace. 

She noticed Jake tugging at her hair, so she broke the kiss off to then connect her lips with his, bringing a hand back to hold his head in place.

Jay, who did not want to just lay there beside them, started playing with Della's tits while palming himself. He personally doesn't need more, but he did not want the video to appear awkward. 

"You guys really look so fucking hot," Heeseung commented. He turned off the recording and went back to his original spot. "I wanna kiss, baby," his head got closer so Della could easily kiss him.

"FUCK! I'm cumming!" Della pulled away to scream out. Her eyes were closed shut and her open mouth spewed out loud whines after whine.

"Yesss, kitten," "Me too, baby, me too," Sunghoon threw his head back while Jake buried his face in her neck. It did not take the three long at all to reach their orgasm.

"Jay-oppaa," Della managed to let out, weakly stretching an arm out so he could come closer. "I haven't kissed you."

Jay felt his heart swell in adoration and he swiftly did as told without hesitation.

"Fuckk! Aaaahhh!" Della pulled away but kept their foreheads together and squeezed Heeseung's hand.

They looked absolutely ridiculous being in one big huddle (and it was certainly not the most comfortable), yet that was the moment when the five of them were just connected. It's what they needed and exactly what they hoped for tonight.

"I'm cumming, baby," Jake's voice was shaky, and his thrusts started faltering first. "Shit! Good girl, baby. Good girl, good girl!"

"Shit! Shit!" both Jake and Della came around the same time. The former usually takes his time to ride out his high but he almost instantly pulled out so Sunghoon could finish properly.

Sunghoon looked at him in thanks, immediately adjusting his position and hurriedly chased his orgasm. Della started shaking and screaming with overstimulation, letting go of Heejay to hold on tightly to Sunghoon.

"Shit! Ahh baby, almost ther– NOW KITTEN. NOW, now, now!" Sunghoon babbled a bit as his orgasm overtook his body. "Shit," he sighed and relaxed his body, still holding onto Della tightly. "You're amazing, princess. I love you," he chuckled breathily.

"I love you, my prince," Della breathed out with a smile.

The two shared a sweet kiss before Sunghoon pulled away and shifted Della over to Jake, who was now lying beside him.

"What a good girl.You're an absolute champ and you're incredible," Jake couldn't help but chuckle. "We're so fucking lucky, baby. I love you so much," he then connected their lips in a passionate kiss.

"I'M so lucky to have you guys and I just love you sooo much," once they pulled away, Della's head instantly went to rest on Jake's chest. "Let's clean up before we get too tired."

"Oh no you don't," Jake shifted their position so Della would lay on her back. He got on top of her with a mischievous grin on his face. 

"I called dibs on cleaning you off, remember?"

Eventually everyone washed up and got ready for bed. They decided to all sleep together on the makeshift king-sized bed with Della in the centre. They were cuddled closely, but it didn't really matter anymore to them.

"Guys, we're actually really cute," Heeseung giggled. "I fucking love this relationship."

"Just a bunch of bros with our girl" Jake sighed. He held Della tighter to his chest and shut his eyes, ready to sleep.

"For a second there, I thought you were gonna call me a hoe," Della giggled, looking up at him. 

"I'm never gonna call you a hoe, babe! I'm not Sunghoon!" Jake's reply made Sunghoon smack his shoulder.

"I will never call her that!" Sunghoon looked at him with betrayal. "I don't even know what that means but I know it's bad!"

"You call her names in bed, we all know it!" Jake protested back.

"Ya– rarely ever, right princess? Only on certain times and we both have no issues with it," Della nodded at Sunghoon's defence. "See?! Don't kinkshame me, daddy."

"YAA!" Jake shaking Sunghoon's leg off of his own. 

"Today's session just revealed everyone's kinks," Jay laughed. "Sunghoon likes to call Della 'kitten', Jake likes to be called 'daddy', Della apparently likes anal," he stopped himself for saying Heeseung's out of respect.

"Pffftt, okay mister kinky. Didn't know you could go hard like that," Sunghoon grinned. "I thought you just liked vanilla but you were slapping Lala and everything."

"Why do you like to get slapped?" Jay ignored Sunghoon and asked the girl he was semi-holding.

"I don't know! Sometimes I just like things!" Della shrugged defensively. "I like a whole bunch of things!"

"Yeah and your boyfriends all like different things too," Sunghoon chuckled. "You're absolutely perfect for us."

"Awww," Della grinned but got shy and hid her face in Jake's chest. "I'm sorry for making you all join No Nut November. This was really dumb and I'm also really sorry for losing to someone who didn't even join."

"Don't worry about that, darling. It's all forgiven and practically forgo—" Jay's words were cut off by the boom of Heeseung's voice beside him.

"WAIT!" Heeseung shot up straight in realisation. Della and Jake both jumped in surprise while Sunghoon and Jay flinched. Heeseung looked back at them with horror in his eyes.

There was a reason why he was quiet the whole time. It's because it just hit him how;

"YOU GUYS FUCKING SAW ME IN MY WEAK STATE!"

i gotta be honest, i hate to be that person but i was feeling really insecure about my writing tbh. like the first draft was not hot AT ALL and i wanted this long awaited/overdue smut to make you guys all hot and bothered y'know? i think it's much better now and i'm feeling both proud and insecure but i hope you enjoyed it and happy anniversary! taglist: @duolingofanaccount @lalalalawon @clar-iii @deafeningballoonpeach

[medusapelagia]

One. Big. Step.

written for @steddiemicrofic (Prompt: one | 1111 words) and @steddie-week (Day 2, Prompt: Touch Starved) Rating: Teen and Up Relationship: Steve/Eddie TW: none Words: 1111

The anticipation is what makes Eddie antsy. 

When someone starts to walk toward him, his heart starts beating faster and louder, his ears buzz, his breathing gets too accelerated (air hunger, as his mom used to call it), and he begins to sweat, profusely, leaving a dark damp stain under the armpit of his t-shirts, which is the main reason he always wears black t-shirts. Or t-shirts with black sleeves. 

When the person walking toward him is Steve the Hair Harrington, well, it's even worse. 

Eddie's tongue gets entangled in his mouth and when he's finally able to speak a few words, the ones that come from his mouth are either stupid or cruel. But even if Eddie hates himself for that, in some ways it works perfectly well because Steve freezes, a sad smile painted on his face, and mutters, "I'll see you around, Munson," before turning and leaving Eddie alone, which is exactly what he wants. Because Eddie the banished has only one big fear: being touched. 

It's a fear that comes from afar and even if Eddie is ashamed of it, it’s not something Eddie will overcome easily. 

In his entire life touch meant hurt. Every time Al Munson came home drunk, every time a policeman caught him stealing some food, every time a teacher dragged him to the principal office, their touch meant hurt. And pain. And blood.

Those people left a wound in Eddie’s soul; a wound he’s not sure it will ever heal.

It doesn't help that the only person he trusts is not very outgoing either.

Wayne never hurt him, but never tried to touch him either.

And now he’s untouchable.  

None in the Hellfire Club dares to hug him, not even Gareth, who has been his best friend since they were kids. To be honest, Gareth is his shield, the best one he could have ever asked for. He's the one who detects Eddie's anxiety and puts himself between the threat and his best friend and in Eddie’s opinion, that’s fucking metal. 

It doesn't matter if most of the time the threat is just a girl asking for a pen during English class or a boy getting too close to Eddie in the cafeteria. Gareth is there, ready to lend a pen or step between Eddie and the rest of the world.

Gareth is the person who knows Eddie intimately. He knows about his past, that he deals to make ends meet, and that there's a kind spirit hidden under the metal jewelry and the fake attitude. What Gareth doesn't know, it's that even if Eddie is scared of touch, he has finally met someone who makes him feel butterflies in his stomach and almost makes him wish for things he never thought were possible for him, like holding hands or even kissing. And that person is Steve Harrington.

Eddie knows that there's something between the two of them, a kind of opposite attraction they both feel, but how can he surrender to the pull he feels when even the idea of getting close to Steve makes him shit his pants?

"Maybe you should start gradually." Gareth wisely proposes when Eddie finally confesses his tribulation to him, "Choose someone you trust and ask him to touch you or something like that."

"Wouldn't that be weird? Like… Hi, can you hold my hand for a moment? Don't worry if I freak out, it's a normal reaction."

"You could start with Wayne." Gareth replies, gulping down his soda in the hot Indiana summer, "He knows you're weird."

"Why didn't I think of that? Hi Wayne, can you hug me? Yeah, I'm weird and I'm also gay and I need some physical contact before I try to hold hands with my crush. Very subtle and not suspicious at all. He won't kick me out of the trailer. No sir."

Gareth sighs, slouching on Eddie's broken couch, "You know he wouldn't. He had so many reasons to kick you out and he never did, but if you don't want to ask him, I get it. What if I volunteer?" Gareth asks, reaching out with one arm.

He gives Eddie the time to stop him or move away, but the metalhead swallows all his fears and gives him a little nod.

The contact between Gareth's calluses hand and Eddie's elbow it's not pleasurable, but it doesn't make him jump out of his skin either.

"You ok?"

Eddie nods, quietly, focusing on the feeling and identifying every single sensation. The warmth of Gareth's skin, the roughness of his hand, the steadiness of his arm. Eddie closes his eyes, takes a few deep breaths, and then he whispers, "Stop."

Gareth immediately releases his soft grip, his eyes pinned on Eddie, "Still ok?"

"Yeah. I got a bit overwhelmed." Eddie confesses, turning his attention towards a dog barking a few feet away. Noticing Eddie's attention the dog starts to pull at the chain even harder barking in his direction and Eddie wonders why a barking dog is less scary than a friendly touch.

"We could do a little exposure therapy if you want. Here at the trailer, where you're more comfortable and none can see us.”

With a snort, complaining in a low voice that exposure therapy seems even more complicated than dealing in a small town like Hawkins, Eddie begrudgingly agrees to do a few cuddling sessions, as Gareth mockingly calls them, every day after band practice.

Maybe it's not a lot, but sitting close to each other on the same bench, or brushing their fingers while sharing a joint seems to be really helping, and after a couple of months, when Dustin invites them to see a movie at Steve's place, for the first time Eddie seats on the couch, not on the bean bag as usual. Dustin stares at him open-mouthed, but a stern look from Gareth is all it takes to get his attention back on the screen.

When Steve gets back with a couple of bowls of popcorn, the only empty seat is the couch where Eddie is already making himself comfortable, putting his feet on the coffee table while yelling something against the movie director.

Turning toward Steve, Eddie simply asks "Aren't you going to sit?"

Steve gives the biggest bowl to Dustin and puts the small one in the middle of the couch, to keep some space between them, and when their fingers brush above the popcorn bowl and Eddie doesn't retreat, Steve gives him the best smile ever.

Maybe sitting on the same couch watching a movie with the kids isn't the most romantic thing ever, but it's a step. One. Big. Step.

permanent taglist: @katyawriteswhump

[katakaluptastrophy]

So, it's the last days and a weird-looking guy called John is yelling about the end of the world.

AKA, it's Advent and we've reached the stage of Alectopause where I'm apparently writing Bible studies for the weird goth teens that hang out in graveyards... So let's talk about portentious guys called John and why a nun might have joined a necromancy cult.

Anyway, you know Advent, the cheerful and cozy time when we all think about cute baby Jesus as we get ready for Christmas, right?

WRONG

It's currently the second Sunday of Advent, and in lots of churches that follow the liturgical year, people will have been hearing about John the Baptist today (Me: "John". My phone: "Gaius?". Me: "John the-". My phone: "Necromancer?").

Without going into too much detail, John the Baptist is important because he's a prophet that points to the coming of Jesus. He first does this rather impressively in utero, but is probably best known for wandering the wilderness wearing camel hide and eating locusts, shouting about how the end is nigh and, hence the name, baptising people to cleanse them from their sins. People are pretty impressed by all this and start asking him if he is the promised messiah or one of the great prophets come again. He answers no, his job is to point towards one greater than him. He baptises Jesus, the heavens open, and not long afterwards John annoys the authorities and ends up with his head on an ornamental platter.

Now John the Baptist obviously isn't the main Biblical John evoked by John Gaius. That dubious honour probably goes to the beloved disciple John the Apostle, also known for The Gospel According To and The Apocalypse Of, aka the Book of Revelation, the Bible's account of the end of the world.

But John the Baptist (no, autocorrect, not "John the Necromancer") is relevant too, and not just because he's a guy called John, chosen by a higher power to lay the groundwork for better things to come and who falls afoul of the authorities with dramatic consequences.

Let's cycle back round to Advent for a moment. The reason Advent can both be aww cute little baby Jesus and also WHERE ARE YOU GOING WHEN YOU DIE?! is because in Christian theology, Jesus' birth and the end of the world are linked: the first and the second coming of Christ.

In Nona The Ninth, we learn that John and his friends are living in a world on the edge. Without some incredible plan - the cryo ships, the promise of FTL - everyone is going to die. Humanity has rendered the world uninhabitable. Although we get very few details of the broader geopolitical situation, we have to assume it's one rife with natural disasters and conflict.

In the Bible, Jesus talks about a world with famines and earthquakes, wars and rumours of wars, where to find yourself in those days with children would be a tragedy and to be pregnant even worse (maternity problem, anyone?). Specifically, this is when he talks about the signs of the end of the world and his second coming.

So what about M-'s nun? The first time we meet her is when she's advising John against his all-day Jesus Christ Superstar healing ministry.

And John's anxiety about meeting her is pretty apt. He says: "I was worried I was going to get the Antichrist bit from her too". Note the "too" - by this point, John has already been accused of being the Antichrist. Why? Because alongside those rumours of wars and earthquakes, Jesus gives another sign to watch out for: false prophets.

But M-'s nun saw John and his powers and - for reasons we never learn - believed they were miraculous, a gift from God. She appealed to the Vatican to investigate and recognise this. And her presence and this campaign apparently made a significant impact in reducing some of the issues they were facing. Somehow, she met awful, smarmy John and his corpse buddies and thought she was seeing the hand of God miraculously at work in the last days.

This bears repeating, because I've seen suggestions that she believed he was God, or was somehow converted to the cause of necromancy, but at least by John's narrative it's much simpler than that: right to the end she's praying for him in very Catholic terms to find clarity in his purpose.

This is the last we see of her:

She just smiled at me. She said, John, don’t misunderstand. I want to help you. I truly believe that in our most terrible hours we don’t instinctively reach out to God; we push ourselves away from Him. Don’t feel bad for not rising heroically to the occasion right now. Fear doesn’t help us achieve a state of grace; it deafens the heart. John, I truly believe you can save everyone. So concentrate, please. She said, Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. And she shot herself.

While obviously you are probably not walking a straightforwardly orthodox path if you're shooting yourself to help the leader of a self-proclaimed necromancy cult locate the soul, her language here is very focused on the Catholic understanding of sin and death. A "state of grace" refers to the condition of your soul when it's not burdened with serious sins. It's the state you're in after you're baptised or after you've been to confession. Being in a state of grace is one's soul being on a wavelength with God; it's the necessary state to enter heaven.

And the Hail Mary? Catholics believe that Mary has the power to intercede for them with God. And the most important moment at which she could intercede would be at the point of death where the state of your soul determines your eternal destination. This isn't a wacky necromancy cultist talking. I suspect she sees this less as a suicide (which the Catholic Church has historically not had the most nuanced views on...) than a fulfilment of Jesus' teaching to keep his commandments and that there is no greater love than to lay down your life for your friends.

We're not privy to exactly what she thought, and I don't think anyone's suggesting her approach was entirely orthodox, but if he's not the Second Coming, and he's not the Antichrist, and there are wars and rumours of wars and floods and earthquakes...did she see him as a prophet of the apocalypse? A sort of John the Baptist of the end times, who in demonstrating the reality of the soul would bring people to Christ before He came again?

Unfortunately for M-'s nun, John was not what she fervently believed him to be. And unlike John the Baptist, who said no when asked if he was something he was not, John used M-'s nun's death as a springboard to claim the trappings of both divinity and Catholicism for himself.

Unfortunately for John, judgement is coming in the form of an angry teenager Harrowing Hell and the very power he usurped, armed with a very big sword.

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

I am so happy you're back and seem to be doing even a little bit better! We missed you!

I wanted to send a little message, so you can ignore it if it sours your mood or you don't feel like dealing with it, feel no pressure at all! It's just this blog has been a safe space and the community has been so welcoming that I figured I could vent really quick

You know when sometimes the brain just has a really shitty day, like when you draw something and it screams at you that it's trash even though there's nothing wrong with it? I've been having a rough time with it deciding to scream that comfort characters would cheat, probably as an 'You are so unlovable not even fictional characters would be loyal' bullshit. Now, logically, I know this makes -67 sense. But, I was wondering if you could just reassure that like, Sanji, Mihawk, Buggy, Shanks, Crocodile, Blablablablabla long list of One Piece characters you write for, would not cheat? I'm sorry, this sounds lame to even write out but I'm trying to get my brain to stop thinking that asking for help is 'pathetic' because it is not and it only applies that logic to me, never to anyone else.

I dunno man. Brains and bring human ate both though af.

I missed all of you as well. Really and sincerely. I have a tendency to go radio silent when I'm going through a difficult time and I hate it immensely, but hearing that I was missed to makes me all

And yes, oh gods, I know. My brain is frequently my worst enemy. Especially when I'm not writing. My anxiety starts working overtime and my creative drive becomes dedicated to coming up with problems that could potentially happen for me to worry about even more and it's an absolute bitch; or even when I am actively creating and a little voice insists that everything I make is stupid garbage.

This is still very much and always will be a safe space. It definitely is awful to feel that unworthy of love. Full disclosure, I've mentioned in passing before that I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder depressive type. My main issue is auditory hallucinations that like to insist that everyone I love and care about only tolerate me out of pity and secretly would rather I not be around, which leads to me isolating myself from people. Huge part of the reason I go silent when life decides to be a bitch. I know it's just as bad feeling that way about comfort characters, if not even worse, when we're supposed to have them to help us get through that kind of bullshit.

So let me provide a little drabble for the one comfort character I’m certain wouldn’t ever allow us to continue being so silly about our worthiness of love and affection, because we’re all worthy of such a basic human need. I may do more later, but one in particular jumped at the opportunity to provide this comfort, and I fear he may counter me with his dreaded puppy-dog-eyes should I even dare attempt to wait.

Good Enough

OPLA!Sanji x AFAB!Reader

Lil drabble thingy

SFW, Hurt/Comfort

Possible TRIGGER WARNINGS for depression, insecurity, self-worth

♫♬ Moonshine ♬♫ — The Fratellis (yes I’m STILL on my Fratellis BS leave me be)

"Never knowing is the most evil feeling, when every answer here is none too appealing"

Sanji had always been a flirt. You knew that from the moment you started working on the wait staff at Baratie. Your trust issues had made it a little difficult for you to open up around the young sous chef (and occasional waiter on the frequent occasion that Zeff kicked him out of the kitchen for insubordination), but it was his outgoing nature and perseverance that had ultimately won you over. He had a way of making you feel like you were the only girl in the world when you were together, doting upon you, all but worshipping the ground you walked on.

But when he was sent out to work the dining area, it always made you nervous. His innate charm, his handsome features—he was nearly always a hit with female customers. No matter how much you told yourself that he was only doing his job, there was always a nagging feeling that maybe there was more to it than that. Watching him interact with a table of pretty young women, who by their clothing and demeanor were obviously far more affluent and sophisticated than you, left you distracted in your own work.

Seeing how they giggled at everything he said, how they fluttered their eyelashes when he brought them their drinks.

How the pretty blonde at the table leaned so close to him while he pointed to something on the menu, close enough to brush her hand across his.

You managed to spill a tray of drinks all over yourself while you were watching, leading to a scolding from the front of house manager. You saw the table of girls from the corner of your eye, giggling at your clumsiness before you were sent off to clean yourself up and change your uniform.

No matter how much you told yourself you were being silly, there was nothing you could do to shake it. The doubts, the thoughts of how easily he could find someone better than you. You had your jaw clenched the entire time you were changing your shirt in the staff restroom, tossing the soiled one aside as you leaned against the sink in front of the mirror and forced yourself to take slow, level breaths.

You were still on the clock. You couldn’t break down. You had to get changed, had to get back to work, had to pretend everything was fine, if he found out you were being so stupid about this then he would definitely drop you like a bad habit, you had to compose yourself or—

Knock knock.

Your eyes darted to the bathroom door, your breath catching in your throat at the sound of the light knock.

“J—just a minute,” you forced out, flinching at the sound of your own voice breaking a little.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, stop it stop it stop it—

A brief silence followed your answer, a silence that seemed to stretch on for miles despite lasting only a few seconds. The familiar, gentle voice that answered after a moment made your hands clench around the porcelain of the sink.

“You alright, love?” You drew in a sharp breath, swallowing, clenching your eyes shut. Of course it was Sanji. You had almost hoped that the manager had come scold you for taking too long. That would have been easier to deal with right now. Your eyes darted to the locked doorknob as it rattled a little. “I heard—”

“I’m fine,” you said immediately, the strained quality of your own words as they met your ears making your hands tighten a little more on the edge of the sink. “I—I just tripped and spilled a few drinks, I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you sure you’re alright?” You gritted your teeth, laying your head back to stare up at the ceiling. Of course he wouldn’t let it go that easily. The doorknob rattled a little again, and you glanced at it as if it were a viper poised to strike out at you at any second.

Stupid, you’re being stupid, don’t—

“You sound—”

You reached out and turned the lock on the doorknob, and turned away from the door, crossing your arms over your half-buttoned shirt and stared down at your feet. After a long moment, you heard the door open behind you.

Evidently you didn’t look any less distressed than you felt. His quiet sigh met your ear as the door shut lightly and the lock turned. “Oh, love, it’s fine,” he said gently, his footfalls echoing quietly in the small bathroom, closing the short distance across the tile floor between the two of you. Your whole body tensed as he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind, resting his forehead over the crown of your hair with a quiet chuckle. “It’s only a few drinks, it could happen to anyone.”

You shook your head, your shoulders shaking a little. Stupid, it was so stupid, but the words were already leaving your mouth before you could stop them. “Oh, yeah, anyone.” You couldn’t stop. You couldn’t. He had a way of pulling all your insecurities to the surface that no one else did. You pulled your crossed arms tighter, staring down at the white floor tiles for a moment before shutting your eyes tightly, your voice shaking a little. “Especially a dumb screw-up like me—”

“Don’t do that.” His tone came out a little sharper with this, and your breath hitched audibly in your throat this time, your shoulders hunching as you clenched your eyes shut tighter, swallowing back the lump in your throat. As if to counter your stiff posture, he pulled his arms tighter around your waist, pulling you closer, his thumb rubbing lightly against your waist in a comforting manner. “Don’t, sweetheart. Please.”

The warmth of his embrace already had you relaxing a little. Your shoulders slumped, your body leaning back against him, but your eyes were still burning when you opened them to stare down at the toes of your shoes.

“Was it the manager?” he asked gently, shifting behind you to rest his chin on your shoulder. “If he was being an ass I’ll gladly kick his ass off the docks.” Your breath left your lungs in a slow, trembling sigh as you shook your head no, your gaze drifting down to his hand at your hip, still rubbing lightly against you, your lips curling into a fleeting smile at his offer. You knew you were being stupid, but… “Then what’s wrong, love?” he asked, his voice a soft, comforting murmur in your ear.

“I…” You drew in a deep breath, closing your eyes as he tilted his head so his cheek lay against your shoulder. “Y—you—“

You swallowed against the lump forming in your throat, drawing in a deep breath, trying and failing to steady the whirlwind of thoughts swirling through your mind, thoughts of how maybe this was all a lie, of how you weren’t anything more than a silly little fling to him, how you weren’t good enough, how easily you could be replaced.

You bit your lip, glancing down as his hand found yours, watching his fingers lace between your own…and the breath left you in a slow, resigned sigh.

“It’s stupid,” you said quietly.

“If it’s got you this upset, then it’s anything but stupid,” he countered, and you had to purse your lips tightly to keep them from curving into a small smile as you felt his press briefly against your cheek in a soft kiss. “And if it’s something I’ve done—”

“N—no, you haven’t—” But how quickly you shook your head, how your shoulders tensed, betrayed your worries. “I…I just…” You slowly relaxed once more as he squeezed you against him, his cheek nuzzling against your shoulder, his soft blonde hair tickling against your neck. Still unable to turn your head to meet his eyes, you bit the bullet and forced yourself to voice your worries. “You have beautiful women making goo-goo eyes at you all day,” you said, keeping your voice low in an attempt to keep it steady. “I—I don’t—I’m not—” You bit your lip, your heart racing as you clenched your eyes shut, cursing yourself internally as you felt the tickle of a tear leaving your eye to trail down one of your cheeks. “Y-you could have any girl you wanted. L—like that blonde that was hanging all over you while you were showing her the menu, or—or—”

“Oh, sweetheart…” You weren’t quite able to mask the small sob that hitched in your chest as Sanji loosened his embrace—only to gently place a hand on your hip, guiding you to turn around and face him, to pull you against his chest as you tried and failed to fight back tears. He gently shushed your quiet sobs and stammered apologies as he wrapped his arms around you fully, combing his fingers through your hair as he laid his head over yours. Your eyes remained clenched shut as you fought to control your breathing , as he pressed a tender, lingering kiss to your forehead.

Sanji lowered his head and nuzzled into your hair, holding you flush against him.

“I already have the girl I want. The perfect girl.” He pressed another tender kiss to your temple, murmuring against your skin, “I have her right here in my arms. And I hope,” he said, his tone turning a little playful as he shifted to rest his forehead against yours, “that I’ll still have her tonight after dinner shift is over.” He brushed your hair behind your ear, smiling as he tilted his head to meet your gaze, puling a small smile to your lips as your cheeks grew a little warmer. “So we can cuddle up together on the balcony…watch the stars…laugh at all the drunk idiots stumbling back to their boats…”

You could practically hear him smiling as a few soft giggles escaped you, as you finally leaned fully against him and returned his embrace, your arms wrapping around his torso as you buried your face against his chest.

“I’m sorry,” you sighed, relaxing against him. “I…I’m just…”

“I know, love.” The way he called you ‘love’ all but melted your heart now that you were calmed down, pulling a faint smile to your lips. “I know. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. And if it’s any consolation, I was in the middle of telling that self-righteous blonde bimbo how my sweet, adorable, beautiful girlfriend would wring her neck if she kept putting her hands on me—“ He chuckled as you whined in protest of his praise, tugging you closer and grinning, meeting your eyes without hesitation.

He lifted his hand to your face, his thumb brushing across your cheek, the warmth of his gaze holding yours.

“I—“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

You both jolted in alarm, your heads turning in unison toward the sound of the pounding on the bathroom door. Before you could so much as glance at each other, a gruff voice spoke up from behind the door.

“We’re in the weeds, Eggplant!” Zeff called . “Get your scrawny ass to the kitchen! And bring your damned girlfriend, we need all the help we can get.”

A long moment of silence stretched between the two of you as you both stared at the closed bathroom door, before your gazes drifted slowly toward each other.

Before you were both giggling under your breath, as you buried your forehead against his chest, a broad smile spreading across your lips as you clung to him.

“I suppose we’ve been summoned,” said Sanji, pulling back from you only enough to gaze down at you, still smiling. “Shall we, then?”

[heiznx]

WHERE DID IT ALL GO WRONG?

∗༝*◦✦ when and why did you start distancing yourself from him?

BEFORE READING, swearing, insecurities, anxiety, overthinking, trauma, invalidated feelings everywhere, misunderstanding, commitment issues, pent up feelings, and this includes main story spoilers.

RIDDLE ROSEHEARTS

Anyone who lives in the Queendom of Roses would know of the admiration the rose tyrant gave you before attending Night Raven College.

You were his earliest childhood friend, even earlier than Trey or Chenya, and his mother never separated you from him because it was her who introduced you to him; your parents had his mother's respect.

He respected you for being able to separate your personal life from the facade you show society, because for him, rules must apply wherever he is or whoever he is with.

Your first year at Night Raven College, you were doing well in following the rules, so you were able to stay close to him even after he began to be the dorm leader of Heartslabyul.

Students asked for your guidance, and you were appointed as the vice dorm leader, Riddle's chill pill, or one to distract Riddle, almost like what Trey does.

Staying close to him also means seeing his deeds towards the Heartslabyul students: being collared, told to sing, or told to paint the roses red as punishment.

Before the second year even started, you were the one to start distancing yourself from Riddle himself, and he was confused; you were his guide in trying to remain calm, though you never truly succeeded.

You can't deny Riddle Rosehearts scared you.

When will it be before he also does the same to you? You might be good at following the rules, but that's only because most of the rules are things you are accustomed to doing or not doing.

For example, in rule 256: you must not drink lemonade with honey past 8 p.m., or in rule 53, you must replace anything you steal. You don't drink lemonade with honey past that time, because why would you? You don't even steal so what would you replace?

While you were having those kinds of thoughts, you didn't try to talk to anyone about them because you convinced yourself that you were just a coward, and you couldn't even speak up about them when, in truth, you just didn't want to hurt Riddle.

In your second year, you plan on giving up your vice housewarden title, but you can't decide on that alone; the incoming paperwork would be stressful, but it would be quick.

"What?"

"As I said, I'm giving the vice housewarden position to Trey Clover," you respond nonchalantly, despite your insides shivering in anxiety. "And I wanted to let you know beforehand."

"Understood, but if you could, I want the reason behind it," he says, putting his finger in the handle of the cup before it was brought near his lips. "You have the perfect record without breaking a single rule for the past year."

"Should I break one in front of you?"

"How could you think of such a thing?" Riddle asked, his face showing distaste towards what you said.

"I had thought of giving him a chance to be one, especially since he would be in his third year by then," you responded.

You were scared and tired of seeing the faces of the students asking you how you were able to keep a clean record or them begging you to tell Riddle to take back their punishments.

The pressure of not breaking rules because you're not accustomed to them is just pure luck; sooner or later, you are going to break one, and you will feel punished as well — one day, you'll see yourself collared too, and you'll see people being disappointed in you.

"I suppose you are correct," he says, though you had a good point, he didn't want to agree with you in this.

Trey was his friend, and so were you; Riddle was about to be in his second year, and you were too; Trey would be leaving earlier than you two.

You were already slipping Riddle's grasp by not approaching him like you used to anymore, not even for small talks or venting about rumors; he just senses that you are feeling further away.

Even now, not even a small talk, just silence after his answer. Not even your usual thing where you try to predict his mood and the reason behind it; no, you were just so quiet.

For the first time, he also felt suffocated in your presence, just like you are with him; he dislikes it so much.

"I should leave," you say before showing that your cup was already empty. He could pour you another, but you didn't want to stay any longer. "I'll let the headmage know about the change of vice housewarden Heartslabyul."

Riddle only nods towards you. He can't say anything. Why are you speaking so formally? What was happening to you? Who are you?

He was never taught how to handle emotions, how to have friends, or how to keep people by his side, because you've done all three for him: you helped him understand what he felt, you became his friend, you were the one who stuck by him, and now you're leaving.

He wants to be blunt; he wants to use your old title as vice housewarden to talk to you, but what topic should he even talk about? He was just never taught how to get a friend back.

Riddle finds himself walking in the hallways alone, with you a few feet behind him but never approaching him. Unbirthday parties, you sit the furthest from where the queen sits.

He just convinces himself that he can handle things, even without you, and that he is fine alone; he doesn't have to deal with his emotions now. All he needs are those 810 rules.

No one in the Heartslabyul knows what happened; no one bothered to ask because you two only had each other as friends and you decided it's better to be alone than beside him, though you wished he reacted more when you said you'd give the title to Trey.

LEONA KINGSCHOLAR

You two were listless beings; he can never be king because he is a second born; he refuses to exert effort that will never be seen; and you were just you because of your past experiences.

It was never said what it was, but you two struggle with emotions altogether. The two of you were casual, the bluntest, the closest, yet also the furthest towards each other.

You and Leona could both take a nap on the same bed and even cuddle without involving romantic things in it, as if it were truly platonic; you two pretend as if it's normal to do so, which it can be.

You have trouble identifying between platonic and romantic; you even struggle with general love, so you have problems committing yourself to someone or even to things.

You were never one to be swayed by rumors or discriminate, but when it was about you, you became awfully self-conscious.

It was just a rumor that was bound to be spread, a rumor that you and Leona were a thing, that you were something more than platonic, more than what you thought through.

Leona has no problems with it, but you were suffocating. You were uncomfortable being seen around him.

He's not blind, he notices; he's always been like that, observant, yet you don't dare say a word about the situation; he is not patient enough to wait for you, so he immediately talks about it.

"I hate it when you look like that."

"You hate everything, Leona," you responded, turning to lay on your back while your nape was pressed against his arm. "It's an exaggeration."

"You're not wrong," he replies, his other arm across to your stomach and ending with his hand on your hip. "You know rumors are just what they are, don't you? Unless you do think we could be more."

"As if," you muttered, though your mood instantly lowered because of his words, and you didn't say anything, wanting to just drop the entire topic.

He didn't drop the topic and said, "Then what is it about? It's just some stupid rumor; you're thinking that everything circulates around you and you're going to go all mopey and shit because of it."

Was that an insult, or is he trying to tell you not to bother? Perhaps it was just you overthinking? His words made sense; that's how you function, but your heart broke. What does that mean? Why did your heart break? Do you not want to accept how things are?

Each time you're feeling a different emotion, a question of why you felt that way pops up, and you can't answer anything because you don't know the answer.

You want to get yourself together; you want to go back to how you function without truly trying to delve into your emotions; and if you want to be able to think, you need to be alone.

You sat up, and he pulled back his arm because of that. Your reaction was not unexpected; you mostly bit back at what he said, and you would throw the same equal insult he did to you.

"I need time," you muttered.

Leona is not sure how to take that, but you're already slipping off his bed, wearing your shoes, to leave his room; he didn't know why you didn't say anything in return.

What was he supposed to take from your words? You need time to think—that he knows, but about what? The entire situation? Why were you affected in the first place?

He huffs, thinking you'd be back, though he knows very well that you won't; he just knows you that well. He has to be the one to confront you and act like nothing happened, but he wants something to happen; he just has to be discreet about it.

It was a good time to think about what you two exactly are, your relationship, what you feel towards him, and finally try to exert effort for you, to show you he was more than casualness.

The following days, however, he couldn't confront you, he is insensitive, he pushed you to think of your feelings for a good cause, yet your emotions were all over the place.

Leona underestimated how you feel about the topic; the next time you talked to each other privately, you had to leave in a hurry after saying that you didn't want any more rumors; his plan backfired.

He just didn't get the result he wanted, and if he confronts you again, you might just get further from him than you are now. What exactly were those experiences of yours that made you turn out the way you did?

AZUL ASHENGROTTO

A friendship born from a contract: it wasn't the contract itself that asked you two to be friends; it was because, during your time in completing the said contract, he was amused, intrigued, and all the things that go with it, at you.

A kind soul that cannot say 'no' to him nor even try to brush off a conversation just because that's how you were, but that's only at the start, his interest in you grew beyond just having you work for Mostro Lounge.

Torn, you were aware of the fact you were getting taken advantage of by him yet couldn't say no to him; you wanted the entire thing to just stop, but at the same time, you couldn't deny that you enjoyed being with Azul.

In hopes he would keep seeing you helping in Mostro Lounge or just seeing you longer in general, he kept making more and more contracts with you without knowing it was starting to destroy you mentally.

He thought you could see he was trying to be friends with you, and he thought it was such an obvious display of feelings — it wasn't.

You were dense when it came to feelings; you weren't humble, but you forced yourself to be, and you assumed the worst, which was thinking that you didn't mean anything to him at all.

"Oya, you're not accepting this time?" Jade asked as Azul felt like everything just failed him; the deal was unbalanced, and Azul was the one at a disadvantage, yet you didn't accept it; it was plainly obvious.

"I'm not," you respond, looking down at the presented contract. "I quite lost my time in my own hobbies because of the contract, and though the unlimited [favorite drink] does tempt me, I think I got tired of it."

"Ehh, you get tired fast," the twin said with a frown as he leaned his whole weight on your back, to which you only chuckled.

"You're the one to talk," you sigh before getting up, causing Floyd to pull back on his own. "Thank you for the offer; perhaps next school year would be a good time."

"Are you sure?"

Unbeknownst to him, you felt a bit hurt that that's all Azul could ask you after everything, but you suppose that's what you get for being hopeful that you were more.

And unbeknownst to you, he felt more than what you're feeling; you had time to sort out what you felt, you knew this day was coming, and you planned it, but he didn't know, which was why it was such a big surprise for him.

Where did he go wrong for you to nod as your response? Which part of the deal was not tempting enough? How could you smile like that towards him as you leave the door?

You didn't ask for changes in the contract, you could've changed what you wanted to fit your liking, but you didn't, which must mean that what was wrong was not the contract itself.

Is Mostro Lounge the problem? You weren't mistreated, the tweels made sure of that; you were not discriminated against, but if you still chose other things over working with him again — was he the problem?

It was a misunderstanding that neither of you wants to talk about. Don't worry; it happens very often to people who can't find their voice.

JAMIL VIPER

Being childhood friends with you also being friends with Kalim, so in Kalim's eyes you three were all pretty best friends, but in the reality, you were like Jamil's therapist, one who listens to his venting and side-comments about Kalim.

You enjoy Jamil's company, but it just felt so wrong to be friends with him and Kalim at the same time; Jamil hated Kalim while Kalim genuinely liked Jamil and has no idea that Jamil hates him.

Of course, you tried to ignore this; you told yourself that time might fix it and that the two of them would come to an understanding, but you three were already in your second year, yet nothing was happening.

Nothing was changing, and you just had to do something about it. You tried talking to Kalim first; he's oblivious, dense, and very slow, but perhaps he'd understand since this was about Jamil.

You tried to word it vaguely; you tried to use the 'person a' and 'person b' kind of thing, and Kalim ended up consulting Jamil about it, who got irritated and said they were wasting time pondering about that.

"Like, where the fuck did he even get that example?" Jamil asked you as he washed the dishes and then handed them to you, who placed them on the drying rack for plates. "He even said that he didn't think about it and just straight up went and asked me."

"That's so Kalim," you muttered, but you were degrading yourself for not thinking that Kalim would do that. "If it were me, person a and person b should come to an understanding that both of them were seeing each other wrongly."

The example Kalim had hits too close to home, and Jamil didn't even ask who he got those words from, but he's sure your words just now didn't help. He didn't ask for your opinion or wise words; things aren't as easy as they seem.

Perhaps it was his face that made your expression contort into surprise with a tint of hurt; was his expression too evident? He muttered an apology for hurting you.

You looked away already but smiled a little as you nodded and uttered your own apology, understanding that the topic might've been too sensitive.

Your first attempt already made you feel discouraged; it seems like Jamil hates Kalim more than you thought. Now that you think about it, why did you only choose to act now?

You were too late, and even if you confront him now, in his eyes, you were probably too low — the meaning of your friendship with him is low because he'll only take advice from respected individuals.

Jamil swore it was Kalim's fault for giving that example because you only gave him waves in the hallways after that night instead of approaching him. You still help him with kitchen duties, laugh, and talk like you always do, but you feel so far away.

He looks at you and gets reminded of himself, who had pent-up emotions that he confides in you about, but you look like you're about to burst, yet at the same time, you don't look any different.

He confronted you, but it made you feel like you were a bother for even feeling or trying to hide what you felt, especially when he sighed before asking if it was about his past vent about Kalim.

Your nails scratched on the surface of what you were touching instantly, and they quickly dug in your palm before you responded, "No, why bring that up again?"

"Wouldn't it be easy if you admit it so you can stop being like that?" he asked, and his words sounded so hurtful, but he didn't even notice that it came that way for you. "You're making things tense."

"How come you notice that when it comes to me but not when you do it?" you asked, returning the spice bowl to the counter. "That's a bit unfair."

Jamil was taken aback by your words, almost even saying a comeback or tell you that he was just concerned, but you sighed to calm yourself and apologized to him before saying you'd skip dinner and then you left the kitchen.

What kind of outburst was that? It came and fizzed out so quickly. What was going through your mind? What did you mean? He made things awkward before? He doesn't remember. Jamil felt conflicted.

He's convinced that you'd come back and apologize soon; instead, he sees you avoiding him but talking to Kalim. Just why only Kalim? Did your words from before really had meaning?

You had no intentions to speak to Kalim or Jamil at all because you were embarrassed and guilty for what you said; you could've handled that differently, but you're not sure if you would do it again if given another chance.

Kalim approaches you naturally because he's unaware of everything, and that made you wish you could be like him. Maybe you were starting to understand Jamil's hatred for him; you can't bear it to think like that of your friend!

You're going to suck it up and use your savings to eat at Mostro Lounge; you'd rather sign contracts with Azul than see or even talk to any of the two; you need space, and you need time to think things through further.

VIL SCHOENHEIT

When you two were children, he was incredibly inspiring. You watched him practice his lines, and when his father was not around, you became his judge to see if his emotions and body language were aligned.

You grew up understanding how he learned etiquette and taught you too, saying you should apply it every time until it became something you do subconsciously; you enjoy learning with him.

You two basically watched each other grow, but you think that Vil helped you more than you could've ever helped yourself; if you hadn't met him, perhaps you would've had a few embarrassing phases, and you would barely know a thing about cosmetics.

Vil was aware you learned slower than him; he gave you multiple considerations because you truly were trying, and he knew you weren't a model or an actor like him; you were just you, known by the popularity because of just having the title of being his childhood friend.

The only thing that suddenly made things change was when you were in your first years at Night Raven College, when a huntsman from the dorm, Savanaclaw, appeared and fed Vil's ego more than you could ever imagine — you felt insecure.

You were replaced, or at least you thought so, by a huntsman who was so observant and went on for 5 hours about Vil's performance on a bench in the snow.

You barely appeared in his life anymore, only treating his cold when he had one because his conversations with Rook were going back and forth; you were certain you were being forgotten.

"I feel like a nanny," you laughed as you helped him wear his headband and then push it up so it'd pull back his hair. His skincare products were just by his nightstand. "The moisturizer is missing, did you misplace it?"

"How could I?" he huffed his eyes closed as you lather up the loofah. "Rook has it, don't we use the same product? Lend it to me for today."

"Seriously...?" you ask, sounding troubled since you already had the soap on the loofah and he responded a bit too late. "I'll be back."

You met Rook on the way to your room; his hair was unkept, and he — you can't even continue — while you thought of his imperfections, he already saw and knew everything about you from first glance; you realized why Vil kept him around.

As Rook complimented you, you felt sick in your stomach for thinking that you could somehow at least be a bit better than him, to at least be noticed by Vil, like how Rook can be with Vil for five hours in the snow.

Vil was willing to catch a cold just to keep their conversation going.

Jealousy was such an immature thing; you can deal with this feeling with much more control. You felt inferior, and Rook even called what you felt right now: beautiful.

You had to excuse yourself because you said that you were tending to Vil's face, and that was when Rook remembered that he was supposed to give back the moisturizer he borrowed from Vil.

You felt so lost; Rook destroys you yet gives you a different perspective. Vil noticed the change in you when you went back to his room, and he looked a bit happy to see that you'd met the huntsman.

He talked about Rook while you were doing his skin care in his stead. While you wallowed in your jealousy, you failed to notice that Vil was happy that Rook finally saw you, who had stuck with him for so long.

You failed to see that Vil had talked about you to Rook, who knew everything about you, such as your identity and the strange facts about you, at first glance because of the model.

Rook was nice, Rook was good, and you decided to keep your feelings lowkey. You just wait to be called on instead of being close to him as you were before. Vil's standards were high, and you feel like you can never reach them.

IDIA SHROUD

Night gaming, one of you streaming when the other is busy, staying up until dawn, talking about whatever, and sharing side-comments about whatever happens in the present time — the friendship you had with Idia was just that simple.

You two were almost kinnies; you were both introverts, doubtful, anxious, and had the same interests, and the only way to get you two to talk a lot is to talk about the said interests. The only difference between the two of you was that Idia could rub people the wrong way while you were overly considerate.

There were a lot of things you brushed off with him, such as when he comments about the character you find interesting and he goes on about the mentioned character, pointing out their bad traits, until you say that it feels like you relate to them, he closes his mouth immediately.

It's funny if you don't overthink it.

You find yourself wondering if Idia considers you that way too. You wonder if he thinks your personality is as bad as the characters you said were interesting because you kin them. You wonder if the side comments you two make about other people also apply to you, like if he talks behind your back.

It doesn't matter who he does it with, because the only answer could be Ortho. You feel pathetic for being so desperate to know as to approach the child — robot — artificial intelligence just to know about it.

Your question was so vague that Ortho thought you meant it in a good way because you asked, "Does Idia talk about me sometimes?"

Ortho, who has been supporting his brother for a very long time and is aware of Idia's blossoming feelings towards you and thinks it's a chance to take a step forward, said, "Yes! Brother talks a lot about you!"

You weren't aware that what Ortho meant was that Idia was talking about you in a good way and that Ortho was only hearing good things about you, and Idia was trying to justify that what he feels and sees about you is only platonic.

Imagine Ortho's confusion, wondering why your heartbeat continues to remain at that fast pace, yet your expression showed him something akin to hearing the worst news of your life.

As a child, if someone you're talking to reacts negatively to your response, it means that they wanted to hear the other response.

Ortho tried to correct his so-called mistake and said, "I mean no! Brother doesn't talk about you at all!"

Which one is the most confused here? You or him? You thought Idia was talking bad about you, which you could've gotten wrong, but seeing Ortho deny it and lie, which he doesn't do, just confirmed that Idia was talking bad about you.

Now Ortho is wondering why your expression of pure horror remained on your face; he changed his answer, yet you reacted the same as if both answers were bad for you.

This misunderstanding carried on while Idia remained unaware of the entire situation.

When you tried to act normal the next time you two met or played a game, you ended up being so distracted that he jokingly mocked you for being bad at it, and you ended up overthinking about it more, much to Ortho's dismay.

"Ortho, is it me or is [name]-shi inactive these days?"

"They've been inactive ever since you told them they were bad at games, brother..."

"No way, did they take my insult seriously?"

None of you can bring up the said topic, continued to avoid it while also avoiding each other, and Ortho had to try and encourage his brother to make the first move.

Ortho does try to guilt-trip you too.

MALLEUS DRACONIA

How could you tell him that his lack of social skills was suffocating and somewhat irritating?

Anyone who is not equal to his abilities wouldn't dare think of what's in your mind right now, let alone even think that the crowned prince has any shortcomings.

You were somewhat close to Malleus, which is why you can think the way you do, why you can see his shortcomings, and why you can't bring yourself to open up about the topic.

There were times you thought to yourself that you were too controlling of people's lives, and sometimes you don't even see the shortcomings of people, but somehow, Malleus did something you disliked that made you see more.

This stung your heart and made you question yourself many times. Malleus, who doesn't even know the effect of his words and actions on others sometimes, noticed your mood.

When he asked about your well-being, it felt like you were having an identity crisis; no matter how many times this happens, you can never get used to it.

Malleus was your friend, so why were you thinking about him like that? So wrongly, it's as if you were painting him bad, though you felt like you were the bad person.

He needs your help; he seeks to understand humans like yourself and actually tries to make an effort in doing so. From the progress you've seen, it seems like the more he understands them, the more he is starting to understand himself too.

"Maybe just a bit pressured from the exams," you responded, your laugh turning nervous as your gaze left his to tend to your meal. "And since when did they serve this kind of tea in the canteen?"

"You have not even taken a single sip of the tea to know what it is," Malleus responded, his eyes only on you. "You drank the same tea just the day before."

"Perhaps I am a bit out of it..." you mutter to yourself.

"How dare you respond to Waka-sama without —"

"Drop it, Sebek," the fae immediately said, his hand making a gesture that followed his words.

Right, it wasn't just Malleus that you were having troubles with; it was also one of his retainers, Sebek Zigvolt, who wouldn't let a single day pass without chastising you for a single mistake.

At one point, you wanted to use Sebek as a reason why you wanted to leave your friendship with Malleus behind, but you thought that it was such a selfish reason to do so.

Were you the bad friend? You couldn't bare that thought.

Malleus never confronted you about your lack of energy, Sebek scolds you for it, Silver tries to confront you about it but isn't close enough to you, and Lilia tries to offer advice in the form of comments or stories.

The guidance you're giving him is also one that you're starting to need, but you couldn't bring yourself to make it obvious or ask for it in fear of being seen as incompetent by Sebek.

In his view, he was waiting for you to approach him first because that's what you always do with him, remaining patient and putting up with him; he wants you to feel as comfortable as he was with you, but he couldn't put it into words.

THIS IS HEIZNX, i-i'm biased -- had to check leona's headcanoned enneagram which was 8w7 in order to try to make up sentences abt him cuz i literally forgot almost everything in twst after getting fixated on something else that i don't even remember. everything in here feels so personal... is this even publishable? man,, WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST TYPE IN AZUL'S PART IM CRYING. THE WORD COUNT DIFFERENCE IS JUST SO FUNNY I SWEAR I WAS JOKING WHEN I SAID I WAS BIASED. HE SAYS LIKE... THREE WORDS !?!?

[fereldanwench]

I didn't want to completely sit out a year-in-review, but for reasons I'll explain at the end of this post and under a cut, doing the traditional pick-one-pic-from-each-month approach just wasn't going to work for me. So instead, here are 20 of my favorite shots (in no particular order) of Valerie from 2023!

(I'll share solo Goro shots and shippy/story shots in two other posts before the year ends.)

Some thoughts about this year (cw for anxiety and depression mentions):

So yeah. I actually hadn't planned on joining in on the virtual photography year-in-review fun in part because... Well, frankly, I wasn't sure if it would actually be fun for me.

Although I do have pictures for every month, the first third, maybe even half, of the year was a struggle on almost every conceivable level. A lot of it was shit that carried over from the end of 2022, which was also an incredibly difficult year for me. I don't really want to delve too deeply into why--Some of it was personal, some of it was professional, some of it was fandom, and if you know, you know.

The main obstacle I had here is that looking at a lot of the shots I took from about January to May (give or take a few weeks on either end) honestly reminded me of Bad Times™️. I've worked really hard to pull myself out of that depression/anxiety cycle and return to a healthier approach to fandom and online socialization in general, but I just didn't want to spend a lot of time in that mental space. There are a few shots from those months that made it to my favorites, and I hope one day I can look back on that stuff and just feel the good from it again. Alas, that day is still not here.

But I am happy to report that the other reason I wanted to approach the review differently is a lot more positive! It's also two-fold: 1) I spent the earlier part of this year exploring more of a technical side of virtual photography and 2) I was really prolific the last third or so of this year so trying to narrow faves from about August until now was just not possible.

One of the few good things about the end of 2022 was being able to upgrade my graphics card, which meant I then had a rig that could support ray-tracing and hot sampling. As a result, I started putting a lot more focus on lighting and getting acquainted with new tools. I also was trying to work with the new AMM posing system, which is very convenient in some ways (100s of poses without reloading the game!) and a complete pain in the ass in others (can't move characters without their poses breaking!). Custom photomode poses + Nibbles Replacer has been the game changer I've been waiting for.

Or to put it more succinctly, December 2022 through about April 2023 felt like a relearning/return to basics kind of creative period, which is essential, but also means I just don't really like a lot of what I did, lmao.

Then, shockingly (I'm not shocked at all), starting treatment for my anxiety and depression in the second half of this year suddenly made creating a lot easier and fun again! Crazy how that works.

Even bumping this little review up to 20 shots instead of 12, there are still pictures from the past few months that I had to cut as favorites. There was just no way I could condense the amount of fave shots I took from August to now in just 5 options.

I also owe quite a bit of this revival to modders for asking me if I wanted to take shots for them--Exploring more of a fashion photography approach to my shots I think did a lot to build on what I had learned earlier in the year and encouraged me to try something new. I don't want to tag anyone in this long-ass glorified diary entry, but if you invited me to take mod shots for you, just know that it really meant a lot. ♡

And that's where my head has been with a yearly review! Is filling out a little template with 12 pictures this serious? No, it definitely is not, lmao. But hey, overthinking shit is still something I'm working on. ✌️

[xokohaneazusawa]

Hiii! I'm your new follower i love ur account😭😭 im sorry if my english is bad, english is my not main language😔

So, yesterday was my birthday and my friend forgot my birthday. He thought it was today!

Not only that, but another friend of mine forgot it and celebrated it today lmao💀

So I think you get the idea😔✌🏻

Can I ask for Bachira and Reo, who forget the reader's birthday and do not understand it no matter how much the reader tries to remind them? You can also add any other character you want. Your writings are very nice!

Also, if you're writing for Genshin, can Venti join in? he's so silly I love him🙁 And if you don't want to do it, that's okay! I'm crying from anxiety as I write this👺

Happy (late) birthday, Anon!! I'm so sorry about your friends, and lets hope they remember next year!!!!! Also so sorry Anon, but I don't actually write for Venti!! It's just that I don't know his personality very well and it would be so out of character!!

Bachira Meguru -> To be 100% honest, he does have a pretty decent reputation to fall asleep all over the goddamn place and at any time, so there is a chance that when you were telling him he was either A- falling asleep, or B - man was just not paying attention. -> Even if you tell him for weeks leading up to it, his brain probably only has the capacity to hold so much, and most of it is with football practice and things like that. -> Seems like the kinda to have to write things down to remember them, and write things on his hand but always ends up sweating it off because of lovely practice -> Though when he finally does write it down, of course it’s on the wrong day. -> Never actually gets to that day, because you finally confront him about it on your actual birthday, to which he doesn’t seem too bad about it. Only saying it was an accident even if you had told him so many times. -> Does actually start to feel bad when he sees that you're so upset about it, and goes to the store immediately after to get you a cake. One reason being that it’s a birthday cake, and the second for the fact he felt bad, and who doesn’t like cake when they feel bad? -> Will write it down afterwards and make sure he gets your birthday right every year from then on Reo Mikage -> Man is always pretty busy, I mean between having to be Nagi’s taxi, working on school, football, and his families company sometimes he mishears things -> This was probably just a misunderstanding writes it down on the wrong day, not actually meaning to do that to you -> Even if you remind him a bunch there is a chance that he’ll think about it for a minute but just thing that he misheard you (even though he only actually misheard you the first time) and never actually change it to the correct day -> Is actually really sweet when your birthday is coming up but when you finally get confused on why he didn’t do anything for your birthday on the actual day you were born you were most likely pretty confused, to which he was confused as well. He could have sworn you said the day after.. -> Though luckily for you, he normally gets express/first class shipping (to be rich and have good shipping, what a dream..) So he still had a gift and everything and he promises that he’ll change it on basically everything he has -> Makes sure to write it down on basically everything, so he never has to run into this problem again and makes sure he never makes you never have to go through somebody forgetting such a special day for you

[dokidokisadness]

Maksim - biopet log 00x

[tw: noncon/dubcon(implied), depression, dehumanization]

Pet was found wandering loose near a dark alley at night. It was almost put down when the catchers saw him, his height being the first thing they've noticed.

One he was caught, it was very clear the pet is rather calm, very obedient and quiet.probably because of it's rather advanced age. It has a pretty good understanding of it's surroundings and comprehends spoken orders.

Upon further research on pets identity, we discovered why it was abandoned. It used to be a breeder at an illegal breeding facility, which explains it's messy genetics and very few info available on the database.

The facility he lived in was far from ideal. No wonder it was abandoned and all the pets scattered aimlessly. he is lucky to be found by us. Although, I'm not completely convinced by it's calm demeanor. It was a force breeder. We always need to be cautious with those, since they might snap and try to 'do their job' at any moment they find fit. That's the main reason you keep him with shorts always. They are trained to ignore rejection or warnings from other pets and can often attempt to do the same to humans, specially mutts when confused.

Aside from the usually worried when a stray pet is found, there's also the problem of it's depression. Maksim listens and obeys, but it lacks motivation to do anything aside from pleasing others, and since we can't let it interact directly with other pets, it's been very lonely and underwhelmed. It must have never been alone for such a long time... And then there's the other problem...

Maksim keeps asking me about his cubs. I guess he really thought if he was good enough, the keepers at the facility would let him see them, I don't know... I just don't have the guts to tell him it will never happen. I thought he didn't care for it, but yesterday he expressed a lot anxiety over the subject. He asked if he did everything right, if he did have cubs, or if he had failed... I don't have anything to say to him. The records say he was a successful breeder and I knew the facility had very little investment on tech, but... For him to be so unaware of the situation... Ugh... It's gross to think they forced him into doing that, they forced all those pets... And to make it worse just left them without a proper treatment.

I understand he is trained in... The worst way possible, I too was afraid of him, but is it even his fault? Would he really default to that if he was with another pet?

I decided to ignore this, as a trainer, I don't think the pet under my lead would attack his peers without being told to do so. It will do him good to have company. I'll start looking through other pet's and talking to the team to find him a friend, although I will keep an eye on him, he doesn't seem dangerous, but well... I'm not sure yet.

[sweetracha]

Okay, please tell me I'm not the only person who plays with their boobs (massaging, squeezing etc) purely because... they're there right?

Like, unless I'm in the mood, I don't feel aroused by them being fondled ND played with, by my hands or my partners (Currently single tho </3) I'll just start groping and massaging them for literally no other reason than I just wanna squish and smother something soft and well, I have two attached to me at every moment

But since Jisung is literally always, and I mean always on my mind, I ended up thinking about him just enjoying fondling his partners boobs. If they're cuddling he'll randomly start groping and massaging the soft fat and it doesn't really turn into anything unless him and his partner are horny

Or they could be hanging out with the others at the dorms and Jisung's partner is on his lap and in the middle of conversation he'll just start softly fondling their breasts- At first the other members were confused and some flustered by your guy's lack of care but they came to realize it wasn't any different to the two of you as when Jisung would squish your thighs randomly and vice versa

- 🦁

Welcome 🦁 anon!!

You are so right though! And definitely not alone. I am proudly apart of the big titty committee (maybe even president). They are like built in stress balls.

Then you add in my love, my life, my light Jisung?!?!

I see it happening in three situations

1) pure boredom. Like he doesn't even notice he is doing it and maybe you aren't either! He is watching whatever current anime is on and his hand naturally gravitated towards you. He squeezes a bit too hard at one point, alerting you both to his subconscious actions.

2) stress relief. You know how in tv shows where the main character is ranting the love interest will kiss them to shut them up. That's you with Han. While he is about to break due to all the stress and anxiety, you slowly lift his hand to your shirt. Baby instantly forgets everything and is mesmerized by the squish.

3) Undercover Horny. What I mean by this is Han is horny but doesn't want to straight up ask you for sex. Whatever reason it may be, he is too embarrassed to actually request it. Slowly a hand on the boob turns into a squish, then a squeeze, then a pinch, finally full on feeling you up.

Treat yourself to something today 🦁

Xoxo

🍑

(Unedited)

[hpowellsmith]

Your writing for this game is flowing so fast and it makes me so happy, cause my anxiety didn't let me wait for RA without checking this form everyday lmao!! It has the potential to be as good as Creme!!

Is chapter 7 the last chapter you'll update before you submit HB to COG?

Thank you, that's incredibly kind 🥹

I'm really pleased that Honor Bound is going so fast and (generally) smoothly, it's been really nice working on it almost full-time. I think Chapter 7 will probably be the last update I put up publicly (it's currently up on Patreon and will go up for everyone on 2nd July).

I'm hoping to write as much of Chapter 11 as I can during June, and hopefully complete the draft in July. Whenever it is completed, what will then happen is:

I will send everything to my editor who will give me notes for Chapters 11-12

I will revise Chapters 11-12

Then at various times, with some overlap the following will happen:

The whole game will be closely reviewed by one of the CoG editors who will send me notes (in the past it's usually been an editor who isn't my main one, so it's fresh for them)

Automatically-generated playthrough seeds will be read by a number of continuity readers who will give me notes about errors, unclear stuff, or sensitivity issues

The beta test for the whole game will happen (usually this is announced publicly and can be signed up for by email - I say usually because a couple of games haven't been organised like that lately and I'm covering all my bases)

Through all that, I'll be editing the game in response to the feedback and putting up updates for the readers and testers.

Once all the edits are done, the game is polished to my satisfaction, and playtesters have slowed down and aren't finding errors anymore, the game will go up be copyedited. That's the stage at which I twiddle my thumbs and feel at a loose end, and also start thinking in more detail about what I want to make next. It's also the stage at which I'll have a clearer idea of the release date.

Then once the copyediting is finished and I've answered any queries about it, once the release date comes around we're ready to go! (I can't remember the timing for my other games, but for Royal Affairs, it was 4 months from the full draft completion to the release date.) And that's the point where I get jittery and nervous, and panic about self-promotion. But I also try to do something nice to celebrate.

After a couple of weeks I have a reasonable idea of sales and reviews (though I really try not to obsess over either) and can use that to make further decisions about what I do next.

So that's an essay you didn't ask for about what my next few months are going to be like!

[lazyollie]

can you do like headcanons of lloyd with a male idol reader but reader is like a fan of the ninja?? i just think it would be cute and funny

Lloyd x Idol m!reader

Personal comment: Of course, I like this idea. This is my first request so I hope I can fullfill your request.

Umm it ended up kinda short. Sorry!

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

°× At the first days of dating you guys kept everything secret. It's not because you would be ashamed of dating the Green Ninja. It was far from the truth.

°× You were obsesses with him. Such a kind soul, but still so powerful. You've asked hundred of question of his ninja career.

°× The problem was the people. Since you were a famous idol you have got a lot of attention.

°× If people would found out about the Famous Green Ninja and the Famous Idol of the Ninjago City might get both of you trouble.

°× Of course, you didnd't kept the secret away from the ninjas. They were teasing Lloyd how he had heart shaped eyes when you walked in the room.

°× A few months of dating you have beaten your incerusities and anxiety and and brought him with you to a party (im not really specific about it xd).

°× First Lloyd was unsure about it. He didn't really liked to be in the middle of attention. But later he and you found out people didn't make such a big deal about it than you thought.

°× + You praised him a lot in front of other idols what got him flustered few times.

°× There were days when both of got insecurties about dating with each other. You know that type of "Is he dating with me because of I'm famous?" insecurity.

°× In those days you ressaure him, cuddle him up and pemper his face with kisses. And he does the same with you.

°× Sometime later Lloyd started to show up (when he got time beside missions and ninja duties) as your bodyguard.

°× It's because he doesn't want you to get attacked or kidnapped by his enemies just because he got close to you. (That was his main reason from him why you should keep your relationship as a secret).

°× Since both of you are famous you get paparazzi and fans following both of you around the dates became kinda difficult.

°× But both of y'all could look for date ideas where you can be in peace, together. Such as movie nights, camping or stargazing.

°× Sometimes both of you just lay in bed and laugh on people on social media who are bragging about you.

•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•

Well, that's for all now. I restarted all over again the whole writting, because I found it bad. So I did everything to night, even though I should sleep now. (It's 00:57 and I have to wake up early). So I hope you like it.

Love y'all!<3

[urfavoritesecretadmirer]

Stuff that would get us fake claimed bc this trend is so amazing in my eyes

(And no I'm not asking to get fake claimed bc apparently I'm not allowed to make jokes)

High alter count

We don’t have an exact number, but our overall estimation is pretty high (not in the thousands but yk 100-150).

Not being able to control switches

We can’t control when we switch but it’s usually in stressful/negative situations. We also can’t control who takes front.

Alter variety

Istg, people are weird when it comes to alter variety. It’s always “oh your alters are all similar? Fake!!” Or “oh your alters are all very different? Fake!!” Our system has a lot of variety.

Has a TikTok account

“Omg, a system with social media?! Fake!!” Believe it or not, we only started our TikTok in late June of last year. We’ve known we are a system since way before that. So yes, systems can have TikTok accounts. Because I guarantee there are thousands of systems on TikTok who are not open to being a system that you will never know about.

Posts about system stuff

Damn, I didn’t know it was illegal for systems to be open about being a system. I didn’t know my literal existence, labels I choose to use, etc were taking away from the “real systems”. My apologies, Mr/ms high and mighty ceo of Reddit moderation as your 9-5.

Has simply plural

“Omg an app for systems?! And you’re using it?! As a system?! Fake!!” I’m not allowed to use one of the few useful apps that can log switches, keep track of members, send messages, help you meet other systems, make polls, make your layout look pretty if you want, etc without getting fakeclaimed. It’s almost like it’s an app for systems, and systems use it. Shocker.

Uses pluralkit

“A system using a meaningful way of communication and another good way to keep track of members?! Fake!!” Apparently redditors think that pluralkit worsens amnesia barriers and derealization. Is this true?? If so tell me, but it doesn’t happen for us. Because obviously, I’m not fronting all the time. How am I supposed to feel derealization if I’m not there?? Also it’s not like our main account profile is by default the host. Our user has <3 and our systag in the name for christs sake.

Goes to school

I know, shocker, I have a life. I’m not physically incapable of having an education as a system. And believe it or not, I have decent grades too. Systems are traumatized, not stupid (directed at that one boy at my old school).

Doesn’t want final fusion

Excuse you, but this system has been here for me and has been around since I was five (I think). I’ve only now fully accepted the fact I’m a system. I think it’d be a bit rude to just say “alr you can go now” like I don’t wanna be alone tf.

Introjects

We ain’t Introject heavy, but ig even having two introjects makes you fake. This may be a shocker, but it’s more common to have other disorders alongside DID/OSDD than to not. This, and again, this may be a shocker, but it includes ADHD and autism.

In sys relationships

Me, the host, has personally never been in an in-sys relationship. But I think in our system there’s like, two? And then there’s a lot of ‘it’s complicated’ or ‘situationship’.

Decent communication

Obviously, it could be better, but we overall have decent and healthy ways of communicating with each other. Usually it’s talking out loud or leaving little notes.

Alter intros

Because apparently it’s a crime against being neurodivergent to share about your alters. We obviously can’t share everything for obvious reasons but we want yall to get to know us.

DNI alters

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but DNI doesn’t always mean the alter is some dangerous monster. It can mean that alter is too little to be online, it could mean that alter is a social anxiety symptom holder, it could mean that alter just doesn’t like talking to people outside the system/at all. These are just a few examples. Or maybe, that alter just doesn’t wanna be fuckin interacted with. But these alters should still be acknowledged. Why? Because healing is a thing. Locking them away isn’t healthy. Maybe they want people to know not to interact with them. But noooo, all DNI alters are awful people apparently.

Other mental health disorders

We have anxiety and depression (diagnosed and genetic), medically recognized ADHD, and tics. And yes, all of our alters have tics because it's caused by your brain and we share the same brain.

[intermundia]

ok idk if anyone's asked this before. but. i've been following your fics for the past while (lovelovelove btw) and realized for the first time yesterday when i perused your masterlist just how many you've published. holy shit dude!! mega kudos. i've been polishing up a couple different wips since new years this year but haven't published any so far, so ig i wanted to ask for advice on getting out there as a fic writer? i've never published before lol. what's ur methods and advice, chef

ahhh thank you :) i am so excited for you!! imho you're standing on the threshold of a beautiful adventure, like you've packed your bags (got some wips) and are ready to head out the door. it's intimidating but in my experience the first comment you get will make all the stress worth it; it will wash away your reservations and give you a hit of affirmation that will only drag you further on into sharing more. it's a virtuous circle that you just have to start.

as trite as it sounds, my biggest piece of advice is to fake it until you make it, like pretend you've published a hundred times before and are perfectly confident and entitled to put your work up in public. that's what i did the first time, i pretended to be someone normal lol. i knew what i expected to see from others and made my story summary and tags look like that to avoid negative ripples (no such ripples really exist in reality, but i know how anxiety whispers lies).

it worked because there's no front door or barrier to entry to posting on ao3, you know? you are exactly as welcome and valid as i am there; we both see the same site back end and the same draft page. you are the same as anybody who has already published. if you have wips and have something that could reasonably be considered finished? pick one, something small even, and just post it. you can edit it once it's live if something dire comes up, i do it all the time.

this is actually something that is causing me a lot of writer's block right now, the fact that i am being far too perfectionist and precious about the next chapter of my main wip. i simply care way too much about the story, so i'm so scared of doing it wrong, so i've been sitting on it. but the way that i've published more 50 stories in the past is trusting my gut about when something is done and pushing it out to the public before i hold myself back.

you have to just keep moving forward, that's the key. tell yourself the next story will be better and remember the last story is better than you think it is. make your chapters as long or as short as you feel is right, post as often or as sparingly as you need. share on other social media once you're done if you want, people want to know there is more of the thing they love in the world, you know? you're offering a gift, and that's kind.

i know that all the advice in the world is basically useless unless you see it at the right moment you need it, and none of my advice is anything that you haven't heard before, but if you need a sign that it's time to pull the trigger, that you are allowed to post things, that people want to see your work, that you're welcome and important to the community by sharing your voice—please take this post as that sign. be confident, because you deserve that confidence, and hit post <3