#the importance of grief and etc etc

[forgetfvlness]

ffvii’s importance of choice

1997 ffvii spoilers

one of the narrative choices i liked about 1997 final fantasy vii about zack is that his death is a completely optionable cutscene. if you played through the game normally, going from point A to point B, you (and by reason of control, cloud) does not know much about zack besides the fact that he was the soldier present during sephiroth's attack on nibelheim. by disc three, cloud has his memories intact and corrected but nothing is really focused on who zack exactly was besides being a soldier. zack’s only purpose was to be a paradox to cloud’s reality. but cloud no longer confuses himself as zack. well, zack is aerith’s ex lover. but aerith’s dead. zack, in all means, is unbounded to you and cloud at this point. 

then you return to the lab. cloud (memory intact and reality rescrewed) is immediately hit with a flashback to his and zack’s escape out of the lab, the ride to midgar, zack’s sacrifice, and cloud’s mourning. 

until this point, there is no suggestion that cloud had a reason to mourn zack. zack is never referred to as a friend of cloud’s or never even gave the hint that zack was anything more than his superior. cloud’s mental instability and fractured identity faults the destruction of his hometown, his shame, and the jenova cells manipulating him. while that is true, it misses an important aspect of cloud’s psyche, which is: why forget zack entirely? when did the fragmentation start?

there are simple assumptions you could make. question: why forget zack entirely? answer: to erase the potential of discontinuity within his new reality. question: when did it start? answer: after he left the labs. question: but when exactly? answer: does it really matter?

you go to the labs for answers. there is no motivation to go to the mansion besides curiosity. cloud remembers not the experiments but zack breaking them out. he remembers the ride to midgar, zack’s caring of a mako comatose cloud, and zack saying: “i won’t leave you hanging like that. we’re friends, right?” zack says they’re going to become mercenaries together. when shinra comes, zack protects cloud. when zack dies, swift and brutal, cloud mourns. afterwards, you can discover scratched coded messages between them in their old containers. 

unlike most games when it comes to optionable cutscenes, there is no reward for finding this secret. narratively, it establishes something new: zack was, in some capacity, cloud’s friend, possibly his only after hojo. narratively, this is important but gameplay-wise is completely useless. cloud gains nothing from reliving this memory. in the player’s decision to return to the mansion, cloud performs the act of remembering zack’s kindness and friendship even though this action has no purpose other than grief. 

zack was unexpectedly popular after the release of ffvii in 1997. i believe it is because the player, consciously or not, rebonds with zack after the rediscovery of not his death but his friendship with cloud. zack, before the flashback (and far before the creation of crisis core/before crisis), was only perceived as someone who cloud envied and imprinted on when his psyche destabilized. zack was not seen as someone who particularly cared for cloud. friendly, yes. a friend? not exactly. 

seeing zack’s escape with cloud and his death recontextualizes what zack meant to cloud as a whole. the player is in cloud’s shoes during the flashback: they feel the same shock and grief as cloud. to them, the flashback is not useless— therefore, the flashback is not useless to cloud. there is importance in their gameplay experience in the rediscovery of cloud’s memories of zack and importance in the grief that follows after, even if they do not materially gain from it. and the realization is completely optionable.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Susie meets the friendly yellow rabbit in FNAF..

[crookedfivefingers]

3.13 | ᴛʜᴇ ʟᴀꜱᴛ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛɪᴍᴇ ʟᴏʀᴅꜱ

link to the post I accidentally wound up prattling endlessly about in the tags 💀

[trans-elrond]

people wanting miriel to survive the fall/adar to live/various tragic fates to be averted because "the writers can do what they want, they don't have to adapt it strictly".... how does it feel to be a literal case study in emotional avoidance to the point of refusing to dwell in tragic storytelling because you can't psychically take it

[guruguruguruguru]

the longer i sit with it the more it really gets me how nobody ever really mentions obito and rin before obito's reveal in shippuden. kakashi vaguely mentions his old friends and i think other characters allude to the tragedy of kakashi's past but rin and obito themselves are lost to time. something about that is so fucking haunting and so gutting. you would think it would be a pretty big deal that two kids from the same class died within a year of each other, but the nine tails attack probably wiped so much clean that nobody could really carry the grief... still, when we see their class in flashbacks, we recognise almost everyone else, so... there's something really sad and hopeless about their absence...

there's a lot a LOT to say about it from a lot of different angles and i don't really feel like going into meta posting territory i just have big feelings about it you know? and to me i guess obito encapsulates a lot of the anger. for the people who get left behind and forgotten. and that can mean a lot of things

[intertexts]

the thing that's got me really fucking hooked with black sails so far though is that lately i've been going man i really do enjoy splashy violence & gratuitous gore & such, but i want to see something where the violence enacted onscreen has a real and heavy weight to it. (this is of course the fault of me reading what happens next & it entirely + permanently changing my worldview) & this show fucking does! there's so much blood in this show & so far it is always a shorthand or a parallel or a metaphor or foreshadowing or five different layers of such...

[nintendo-switch-2]

just saw a group of people saying the reason amy and rouge aren't in movie 3 despite being vital to sa2's plot is because. the movie. isn't an sa2 adaptation. okay first off not a valid reason for the writers they should still be there. secondly uh. girlies do u know what an adaptation is

[bunnyboy-juice]

;~; (tags vent)

[meyhew]

there are a lot of things i’ve seen in the last month i’m never going forget but hearing a mother say “i swear i won’t wash them i won’t wash my hands, how else am I supposed to sleep near my kids” will be near the top of that list. harrowing

[narendur]

So I'm kiiiind of hesitant to add to this chain tbh because executive dysfunction issues isn't really what this post was originally about but I think I might have something useful to say so here goes.

My biggest adhd symptom is really bad executive dysfunction. For most of my life I have dealt with it using a maladaptive coping mechanism of bullying myself into panic attacks to get to appointments and accomplish tasks, because positive motivation is so unpredictable.

Now this is an effective coping mechanism when used in moderation, but it always comes at the price of your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing, and when used too much the panic will push you over into freezing up and not doing the thing anyway. For me, it got so bad with specifically getting to work on time that I'd pass out from anxiety on the way out the door. It is not a sustainable coping mechanism.

So then what is an almost always effective mechanism? And the answer is nothing, unfortunately. All the standard suggestions - alarms, calendars, routines, task chaining, buddy systems, meds, turning your phone off, etc. - are somewhat effective and the effects stack, but ultimately there will be times when they fail and the only thing I've found that helps is accepting that I'm going to forget things and be late and everything else, and make sure I have some prep for that. It sucks and it makes holding down a normal job really difficult, but so does driving myself with fear.

So what does accepting and preparing for failing to meet your expectations look like? For me, it often looks like setting boundaries, especially to give myself buffer time: telling friends not to expect me to check my phone right away, taking on part time or flexible work when I can (to leave days where my one task is housework or play), planning for activity prep to take twice as long as I actually think it will, informing employers that I will not be arriving 15 minutes before start time, and otherwise stating or negotiating what expectations others are allowed to hold me to as well as lowering my personal expectations.

Sometimes it also looks like asking for help. Buddy pacts (with no shame for failure), having each friend organize a meal once a week/month, making explicit agreements with roommates and partners about housework, gentle reminders BEFORE something gets to a frustrating point, and making minimum versions of tasks to meet basic needs are all really good ways to support other people and receive support yourself. For example, dishes are my job and I need the kitchen clean to cook, but if it doesn't get done for a bit then my partner will bug me and he needs a pan, a spatula, and 2 spoons cleaned, which is usually doable for me by task chaining. If it's not, we check in and chat about it.

And then ultimately, when you do drop the ball, asking Okay, What do I do now? No shame, no judgement. What are the consequences, what can I learn, what do I do to try to pick the ball back up. I had a project due at work today and remembered when my boss messaged me asking for it - shit. Okay, where is it at, what needs to be done, how long will it take? And then communicate that I've dropped the ball and what I'm doing about it.

Because jobs actually have managers (often) and are usually the most rigid part of our lives, it's even more important imo to create space to rest, to fail to meet our goals, and to half ass things at home and with friends. There are still times when I have to use fear as a motivator and manager, but the more I can save it for actual survival things, the more I thrive. A plant vining everywhere will die if it never roots or finds sunlight, but you can support a lot off of just a few leaves (food/sleep/etc) and a taproot (friends and family who invite you over for dinner/have housework parties/infodump process your work projects together).

kill the shift manager in your brain

[spirograffe]

something "cool" about being "actively in recovery" is that i feel like i have spent the past year of my life preparing for the reality that anyone can hurt anyone, even people who you have love for, who have done things that are good, etc. like i don't feel a need to excise any positive impact that an abuser has ever had on my life bc my literal existence is the result of abuse and my early life was defined by it and i just have to keep waking up every day and slowly put together a life that is safe.

[curingourhearts]

It's okay to 'grieve' things that aren't just death. I've allowed myself to grieve a friendship ending, a situationship, losing something important to me, etc. It's okay to give yourself time to process the loss of something. Grief looks different for everyone, try to find a way that works for you to help make it easier for you.

[itsalwaysdark]

my tags on that went on for so long i had to go back and edit them to fit tag limit and i still had to delete a bunch of them. Its the autism it literally is

[foxmulderautism]

realising this is silly in hindsight but the way i kind of just assumed people would not be interested in the grief and death and caretaking and historical aspect of lover boy LOL happy to be proven wrong. going to be obnoxious on main now

[zyafics]

HEARTBREAK: OFFLINE | 63

All | MASTERLIST (SMAU)

Pairing — Ex-BF!Rafe x Radio Host!Female Reader

Summary — You and Rafe were the perfect couple. But after a mysterious breakup, you went off the grid. When your best friends pulls you back into the spotlight to host a on-campus radio show, you find yourself opening up to the world about your experience. This time, with everyone listening—including Rafe. And him? He wants you back.

Content — college au, football player!rafe au, pregnancy (umbrella term for everything related including, but not limited to: abortions, miscarriages, etc.) and discussions of its grief.

Navigation — Part 62 | Part 63 | Part 64

Song — off the table by Ariana Grande, The Weeknd

IMPORTANT INFO ABOUT TAGLIST AND UPDATES: if you want to be notified about all my fics and updates, follow @zyafics-library and turn on notifications! however, if you want to be added to this specific taglist, let me know (but to remain tagged, you must interact with the posts).

TAGLIST FOR HB:L: @ghostofwriting @mimibaby01 @itneverendshere @inthelibrarybtw @psychocitylights @carrerascameron @theeternaloptimistt @frankoceanluvr11 @lilithblackkk @promiscuousg1rl @whytheylosttheirminds @harrys-housewife @maybankslover @cnnamongrl @a-lovers-card @rafesgiirl @psychicnatural @rrosiitas @enthusiastms @doll-face222 @ilovefiction4lmen @goldsainz @starkeygirls @maybankiara @yootvi @4ria790 @rafegf-real @rafeslovergirl @yuckblushin @xoxosblogsblog @logansblackgf @watchmerora @lou-la-lou @astroniii @vonhoe @congratsloserr @ilyrafe @rafesdrew @marooningmirrorball @drwstarkeys @xdaughterofpersephonex @ivysprophecy @murdockcastleslut @jeongintwt @evelynffics @sematarygirls @winniemoe @chenslucy

[casino-lights]

so. the thing about Illario and Lucanis.

I don't have the screenshots but somewhere in Lucanis' mind, you hear Illario's voice saying "If I was in charge, you wouldn't have to do this anymore." as far as I can tell, all the other lines in his memories are from the game, but this one is from The Wigmaker Job. the story that took place over a year (probably more) prior to the events of the game. it's referring to a scene where Lucanis comes back from their contract, injured, and Illario, worried about his cousin, says that Lucanis wouldn't have to do Caterina's bidding anymore if Illario was First Talon. so now we know Lucanis still thinks about that conversation, even though it happened so long ago.

two other things about The Wigmaker Job: 1) Illario is a lot different in it and in some ways he seems more competent than the Illario we get in veilguard; and 2) we see Zara Renata at the end, and she already has Lucanis in her sights. depending on how much time passed between that contract and Lucanis' kidnapping, she could've been setting this up for months to years.

in the concept art/storyboard frames that were recently released, Zara is hardcore giving siren in the first image and it almost looks like she's straight up controlling Illario via blood magic in the second (imo)

now imagine if Zara was looking into Lucanis, started with the people closest to him, found Illario, and said all the right things. imagine she said he should be First Talon, Caterina never loved him, Lucanis doesn't believe in him and is secretly just tolerating him, he can save Antiva from the Antaam (or whoever else), he can lead the Crows to their long-awaited unification and make them even stronger, he's the smartest prettiest most super special boy in the whole wide world, etc. (if you give this man an ounce of praise and he actually believes it, he will crumble, I know it.)

now imagine Zara, having successfully sunk her claws into Illario - Lucanis Dellamorte's cousin, the only person closer to the Demon of Vyrantium than the First Talon herself - manages to convince him to let her kill Lucanis. he doesn't have to do it himself so there's less guilt. there's no way Caterina would make him First Talon if Lucanis was alive. and then Illario would be in a position to protect his beloved Antiva because if there's one thing the Antivan Crows are, it's patriots. I think Zara played Illario like a fucking fiddle and the game was just really bad at showing us that. I think when her spirit says "he fooled us both," she means he fooled her by being less of a coward than she thought and straight up killing her.

and maybe this is the Illario apologist in me, but I also think he realized the whole thing was a doomed plan after he was defeated. I mean, he shows up to the final battle to help, at risk of his own life. maybe he's trying to atone, maybe not, but still - he is there, and he sounds more like the Illario we see in The Wigmaker Job than whatever we got through the rest of the game. with his quippy little "was that suitably self-important?" line, he's closer to himself than he was this whole time, and that makes me wonder if maybe he wasn't fully Illario. maybe that was grief and guilt and a shaky sense of self and Zara's manipulation and the feeling of losing his grip on the power he never quite had to begin with, all bundled up into a new, bitter, resentful man. I think he was used like a pawn in Zara's chess game, and that doesn't take away from his agency in this situation or lessen the blow of his betrayal, but it does make it easier for me to swallow the fact that the Obvious Traitor Illario I was immediately skeptical of in-game is not the Illario I immediately loved after one scene in Tevinter Nights where he shaves a single hair because it was uneven with the rest of his five o clock shadow.

I think ultimately, Illario realized Lucanis would forgive him anyway. I think it's because he realized he would forgive Lucanis too.