#the importance of grief and etc etc

[forgetfvlness]

ffvii’s importance of choice

1997 ffvii spoilers

one of the narrative choices i liked about 1997 final fantasy vii about zack is that his death is a completely optionable cutscene. if you played through the game normally, going from point A to point B, you (and by reason of control, cloud) does not know much about zack besides the fact that he was the soldier present during sephiroth's attack on nibelheim. by disc three, cloud has his memories intact and corrected but nothing is really focused on who zack exactly was besides being a soldier. zack’s only purpose was to be a paradox to cloud’s reality. but cloud no longer confuses himself as zack. well, zack is aerith’s ex lover. but aerith’s dead. zack, in all means, is unbounded to you and cloud at this point. 

then you return to the lab. cloud (memory intact and reality rescrewed) is immediately hit with a flashback to his and zack’s escape out of the lab, the ride to midgar, zack’s sacrifice, and cloud’s mourning. 

until this point, there is no suggestion that cloud had a reason to mourn zack. zack is never referred to as a friend of cloud’s or never even gave the hint that zack was anything more than his superior. cloud’s mental instability and fractured identity faults the destruction of his hometown, his shame, and the jenova cells manipulating him. while that is true, it misses an important aspect of cloud’s psyche, which is: why forget zack entirely? when did the fragmentation start?

there are simple assumptions you could make. question: why forget zack entirely? answer: to erase the potential of discontinuity within his new reality. question: when did it start? answer: after he left the labs. question: but when exactly? answer: does it really matter?

you go to the labs for answers. there is no motivation to go to the mansion besides curiosity. cloud remembers not the experiments but zack breaking them out. he remembers the ride to midgar, zack’s caring of a mako comatose cloud, and zack saying: “i won’t leave you hanging like that. we’re friends, right?” zack says they’re going to become mercenaries together. when shinra comes, zack protects cloud. when zack dies, swift and brutal, cloud mourns. afterwards, you can discover scratched coded messages between them in their old containers. 

unlike most games when it comes to optionable cutscenes, there is no reward for finding this secret. narratively, it establishes something new: zack was, in some capacity, cloud’s friend, possibly his only after hojo. narratively, this is important but gameplay-wise is completely useless. cloud gains nothing from reliving this memory. in the player’s decision to return to the mansion, cloud performs the act of remembering zack’s kindness and friendship even though this action has no purpose other than grief. 

zack was unexpectedly popular after the release of ffvii in 1997. i believe it is because the player, consciously or not, rebonds with zack after the rediscovery of not his death but his friendship with cloud. zack, before the flashback (and far before the creation of crisis core/before crisis), was only perceived as someone who cloud envied and imprinted on when his psyche destabilized. zack was not seen as someone who particularly cared for cloud. friendly, yes. a friend? not exactly. 

seeing zack’s escape with cloud and his death recontextualizes what zack meant to cloud as a whole. the player is in cloud’s shoes during the flashback: they feel the same shock and grief as cloud. to them, the flashback is not useless— therefore, the flashback is not useless to cloud. there is importance in their gameplay experience in the rediscovery of cloud’s memories of zack and importance in the grief that follows after, even if they do not materially gain from it. and the realization is completely optionable.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Susie meets the friendly yellow rabbit in FNAF..

[trans-elrond]

people wanting miriel to survive the fall/adar to live/various tragic fates to be averted because "the writers can do what they want, they don't have to adapt it strictly".... how does it feel to be a literal case study in emotional avoidance to the point of refusing to dwell in tragic storytelling because you can't psychically take it

[guruguruguruguru]

the longer i sit with it the more it really gets me how nobody ever really mentions obito and rin before obito's reveal in shippuden. kakashi vaguely mentions his old friends and i think other characters allude to the tragedy of kakashi's past but rin and obito themselves are lost to time. something about that is so fucking haunting and so gutting. you would think it would be a pretty big deal that two kids from the same class died within a year of each other, but the nine tails attack probably wiped so much clean that nobody could really carry the grief... still, when we see their class in flashbacks, we recognise almost everyone else, so... there's something really sad and hopeless about their absence...

there's a lot a LOT to say about it from a lot of different angles and i don't really feel like going into meta posting territory i just have big feelings about it you know? and to me i guess obito encapsulates a lot of the anger. for the people who get left behind and forgotten. and that can mean a lot of things

[br1ghtestlight]

some of my object ocs have uhh weird relationships to mother's day i think. some of them (watermelon, rainbow, blue) have normal and good relationships with their moms and are very close to them. building block doesn't have a mom (gay dads) so it's a nonstarter for her

bubblegum's mom died when she was a baby and she has no connection to her or a relationship so it just feels kinda Empty to pretend to care about this person she never even met

two's parents are dead so it isn't like he spends a lot of time thinking about them especially cuz there isn't anyone whos still alive who even knew them or who he could share those memories w/. jayden's mom did her best as a single mom but theyve certainly had their issues and he doesn't see her anymore. so im sure he'd rather not think about her or their relationship cuz it just makes him feel bad about everything and resentful and kinda sad bcuz he doesn't have his family or anyone anymore </3

starr's parents were horrible but he has a weird relationship with them. but they're pretty distant these days so i cant imagine them like getting together or anything. MAYBE a phone call. but even then it just turns into this weird vy for attention and power struggle!!! sunshine hasn't spoken to his family in like..... 40 years and they've made clear they dont care about him or reconnecting so as with most things sunshine is just kinda sad and alone. well nonetheless,

[pickupyoursword]

Something that really fucks me off is that there are so many things my parents should have taught me about and they just. Didn’t.

[narendur]

So I'm kiiiind of hesitant to add to this chain tbh because executive dysfunction issues isn't really what this post was originally about but I think I might have something useful to say so here goes.

My biggest adhd symptom is really bad executive dysfunction. For most of my life I have dealt with it using a maladaptive coping mechanism of bullying myself into panic attacks to get to appointments and accomplish tasks, because positive motivation is so unpredictable.

Now this is an effective coping mechanism when used in moderation, but it always comes at the price of your physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing, and when used too much the panic will push you over into freezing up and not doing the thing anyway. For me, it got so bad with specifically getting to work on time that I'd pass out from anxiety on the way out the door. It is not a sustainable coping mechanism.

So then what is an almost always effective mechanism? And the answer is nothing, unfortunately. All the standard suggestions - alarms, calendars, routines, task chaining, buddy systems, meds, turning your phone off, etc. - are somewhat effective and the effects stack, but ultimately there will be times when they fail and the only thing I've found that helps is accepting that I'm going to forget things and be late and everything else, and make sure I have some prep for that. It sucks and it makes holding down a normal job really difficult, but so does driving myself with fear.

So what does accepting and preparing for failing to meet your expectations look like? For me, it often looks like setting boundaries, especially to give myself buffer time: telling friends not to expect me to check my phone right away, taking on part time or flexible work when I can (to leave days where my one task is housework or play), planning for activity prep to take twice as long as I actually think it will, informing employers that I will not be arriving 15 minutes before start time, and otherwise stating or negotiating what expectations others are allowed to hold me to as well as lowering my personal expectations.

Sometimes it also looks like asking for help. Buddy pacts (with no shame for failure), having each friend organize a meal once a week/month, making explicit agreements with roommates and partners about housework, gentle reminders BEFORE something gets to a frustrating point, and making minimum versions of tasks to meet basic needs are all really good ways to support other people and receive support yourself. For example, dishes are my job and I need the kitchen clean to cook, but if it doesn't get done for a bit then my partner will bug me and he needs a pan, a spatula, and 2 spoons cleaned, which is usually doable for me by task chaining. If it's not, we check in and chat about it.

And then ultimately, when you do drop the ball, asking Okay, What do I do now? No shame, no judgement. What are the consequences, what can I learn, what do I do to try to pick the ball back up. I had a project due at work today and remembered when my boss messaged me asking for it - shit. Okay, where is it at, what needs to be done, how long will it take? And then communicate that I've dropped the ball and what I'm doing about it.

Because jobs actually have managers (often) and are usually the most rigid part of our lives, it's even more important imo to create space to rest, to fail to meet our goals, and to half ass things at home and with friends. There are still times when I have to use fear as a motivator and manager, but the more I can save it for actual survival things, the more I thrive. A plant vining everywhere will die if it never roots or finds sunlight, but you can support a lot off of just a few leaves (food/sleep/etc) and a taproot (friends and family who invite you over for dinner/have housework parties/infodump process your work projects together).

kill the shift manager in your brain

[spirograffe]

something "cool" about being "actively in recovery" is that i feel like i have spent the past year of my life preparing for the reality that anyone can hurt anyone, even people who you have love for, who have done things that are good, etc. like i don't feel a need to excise any positive impact that an abuser has ever had on my life bc my literal existence is the result of abuse and my early life was defined by it and i just have to keep waking up every day and slowly put together a life that is safe.

[curingourhearts]

It's okay to 'grieve' things that aren't just death. I've allowed myself to grieve a friendship ending, a situationship, losing something important to me, etc. It's okay to give yourself time to process the loss of something. Grief looks different for everyone, try to find a way that works for you to help make it easier for you.

[silverwhittlingknife]

comics are super-contradictory on what the pit does, but YEAH, i'm 100% with you, OP. it should have bad consequences!!

if you want some of the lazarus pit stories that skew more toward the ominous side, i think some good comics to check out are

batman 243 (first comic to introduce the lazarus pit)

lost days (backstory for jason's resurrection)

resurrection of ra's al-ghul (dick & tim fight over whether tim should experiment to see if he can use the lazarus pit to bring back his loved ones)

I do not care about what canon says, pit "madness" exists to me. Not because I need an excuse for Jason's violence and the murder attempts on his family, but because, from a storytelling point of view, you need your immortality bath water to have some consequences for your heroes to not use it every tuesday. You want death and injuries to still matter, it is silly for your characters to be worried about each others' health when they can just take a dip in the magic green goop and be back in one piece without side effects. Which is literally what is going on now in the comics, with the batkids dying and immediately being resurrected with a sip of the forbidden green smoothie. Like, what's the point than? You're going to tell me the tale of a man who created a symbol from his grief, only to give him some magic goop that can make him and his loved ones immortals without drawbacks, and I'm supposed to believe he would refuse that power? That he would not have dip Jason himself the moment the kid died if there was no consequences? Nuh uh. Like, I can understand a "immortality is against nature" as the simple reason why your heroes would be against using it, BUT when we are talking about a child that was murdered, it's not really immortality to bring him back to life, so it doesn't work.

Immortality must have some aftereffects so your heroes can understand the attraction to its use, but the cons are too much for them to actually do.

[foxmulderautism]

realising this is silly in hindsight but the way i kind of just assumed people would not be interested in the grief and death and caretaking and historical aspect of lover boy LOL happy to be proven wrong. going to be obnoxious on main now

[baphometsss]

Solas repeatedly explains that things are not so black and white and the fandom's response to the nature of his relationships with Mythal and Felassan etc are weirdly reminiscent of what he finds frustrating about modern Thedas.

He explains repeatedly that the distinction between spirit and demon is not that black and white, that there's always an element of choice involved. Likewise, he cannot be so easily defined as wisdom or pride. He is a mix of both and will lean into one or the other depending on how he is perceived. Over and over again he tries to make people see that it's our expectations that create the dynamics of our relationships and therefore how we perceive others. If we respect others in the way they would like to be respected, you can come closer to an authentic and equal partnership.

Likewise, he says that he is not defined by his body, a point Trick said came from their own thoughts around their gender and figuring out that they were nonbinary. Solas chose a male body, seemingly because he had to choose one, not necessarily because he felt like a man. In fact he repeatedly explains that he sees himself as a spirit i.e. genderless

The romance or friendship with the Inquisitor is special because it is the first time that he's branching out of his comfort zone of bonding like a spirit bonds (reflecting) and trying to bond like a person does instead (meeting them on their level, sharing his heart with them and being vulnerable). This is why one of my favourite lines from him is 'You are unique. In all Thedas I never expected to find someone who could draw my attention from the Fade. You have become important to me.' This is the first time he has fallen in love, the first time he has actually relished being a person and not a spirit, because he's able to be with Lavellan this way. He can't fall in love as a spirit as spirits don't bond that way, as is repeatedly stated throughout his story. I personally think the relationships he forged before Inquisition were all done using the attachment style of spirits, which is apparently quite abstract, and not as a man, which is more understandable to mortals and us, the player.

What's especially pertinent about this is that says this line right before he's about to abandon his plan to tear down the Veil by telling the Inquisitor the truth, a plan that symbolises his attachment to his spirit-self and the world he inadvertently destroyed. Once he does that, there's no coming back; likewise, once you take a body, you cannot go back. When you fall in love in a way that makes all the parts of you line up perfectly for the first time, you can't go back.

What is so beautiful to me about Solas's love story with Lavellan is that we witness Solas in a chrysalis state between spirithood and personhood, past and present (and future), on the precipice of metamorphosis. At the very moment he's about to take that final leap like The Fool his romance card is based on, he backs out, because of guilt, trauma, grief, duty and the rest.

Even with a befriended Inquisitor, he bonds with them on their level. He doesn't try to elevate them to his level; he comes to theirs. He is the opposite of Pride in their friendship, which is why he respects them. They allow him to be himself.

It's because of this change in nature that I think Solas and Lavellan's love story is so compelling--Solas's world quite literally changes when he falls in love, as he states multiple times, in various ways. I mean, look at the way he needs time to think about a potential relationship with Lavellan. He probably knows that it's a bad idea, but at this point he has no idea how much of a bad idea it is with respect to his plans because he has no idea that it will make him want to give it up. If he had, he never would've entertained the idea of a relationship. His romance card in Veilguard explains that he didn't know what it would mean to fall in love, because he's never actually been in love. He has loved countless friends and companions, like Mythal and Felassan, but he has not fallen for someone like he falls for a romanced Lavellan; Lavellan, who is deified like he was deified, who sees him for who he is (as much as they can) and doesn't shun him or punish him for not doing as he was told like a good lapdog.

Once again there's more of the irony that pervades Solas's story at every turn. It's in falling for a mortal that Solas becomes a more complete person, more of the man he says he is and not the god others have revered him as. That is the deepest change of all and the one that reflects his earlier statements on the delineation between spirit and demon not being so black and white, and involving a level of choice. Solas chooses to be more of a man in a similar way to how Cole chooses to become more human. He knows deep down that he's already in too deep to stop, and this is why, despite knowing he has a job to do and a duty to fulfil, he leaves clues for the Inquisition to follow him. Because he's already gone too far, and now he can't go back, and deep down he wants to be stopped, like Varric said. Solas, as a former spirit, doesn't simply feel love, he embodies it, and so he is helpless to that emotion. Of course he left clues.

Because that is what falling in love meant for Solas. It meant going into that chrysalis state and emerging as a totally new being with an experience that is quite far removed from his spirit self and all the limitations that come with that. Mythal and Felassan etc predate this experience, they're intrinsically tied to his nature as a spirit and then as a manifested spirit. While he loved them, that love was tangled up with a simpler nature, and the love he shares with Lavellan is coming from a totally new place. For that reason, the two can't really be compared.

[23xfgg]

YANDERE! BATFAM x DRUG USER/SOBER! READER

(Ch. 1)

Ch. 2 <-

(Ch. 3)

An // this is part 2 of drug user / sober! Reader and I would like to thank you guys for actually liking the last one even though it wasn’t great. I do want to clarify that there won’t be any speech in this as I’m terrified of writing dialogue sorry <3

Again I’m sorry if this sounds messy and disjointed

I will also try making a tag list (max 10 or 20) that would be included at the end of the chapters.

TW// death, drugs, depression, drinking

It has been a couple of months since you stumbled across the drug party and met Adam. Your friendship with him started as aquenences who know nobody else but each other at the function to becoming quite close. You obviously had no way to contact him other than when you see each other at the “drug pit”.

Sometimes there would just be people popping pills, drinking, smoking, snorting, etc with only a few words being shared here or there. Other days it’s like a full blown party. The place is cramped, people are rubbing their bodies on others, coke lines on a random girls chest, mixing all kind of substances together and of course music blasting so loud people outside can hear it. This place feels like a second home to you. The first being your life with your mother and never including the manor.

Thinking about that place just gives you more reason to down another shot and buy a lollipop from a suspicious man in the corner.

Your addiction was a slow start, from turning up at the alley once a week to only smoke weed and gradually increasing to popping pills, drinking along with smoking. And your presence there increased from once a week to now almost every other day. Your frequency to turning to those drugs only ever increased when Damian just has to remind you that your existence will never amount to anything and you might as well save the whole family a favour and just disappear.

Honestly, even when you tried to ignore it his words did have an effect on your mental health, making you feel more depressed. And the depression will lead to grief as you just wish your life was normal before your mom died. You missed how she will hold you when you felt sad. She knew words had little effect so she just let her presence comfort you. Feeling safe in her arms surrounded by her floral perfumes gave you a sense of security. A security now lost because she is gone. She’s not there to hold you and comfort you. So now you resort to crying out on your pillows and popping a few pills whenever you smell the slightest trace of her clean floral perfume.

To keep your “family” off your back about your actions (which wasn’t that hard) you had a simple routine after school to keep any suspicion off you. After school you spent some time in your room, changing into a hoodie and ripped jeans, telling Alfred you will be with a friend and not to say any dinner for you and then you’re off.

Off to have whatever fun you want without any of the judging eyes you would get from the bat family. Whatever fun you want without having to avoid eye contact with your “father” Bruce and his disapproving glare. All the fun you want without a tiny body big attitude gremlin (who is sadly you half brother) telling you how much of a disappointment and a failure you are to the Wayne name.

It was so easy to hide you habits from them when they themselves don’t notice you. You take little care in making sure the spotlight of their attention was not on you. Not like it was hard to begin with. They were always buys with some shit regarding themselves.

You knew all the best hiding spots around Gotham. Including the manor. So you hid your stash based on importance/ how offer you would reach for it. Your pills and week you keep in a shoebox place under creaky floor boards in your room. The slightly harder stuff you have them hidden behind loose bricks, abandoned buildings and in alleyways. And some extra cash in all those spots. Heck, you even have thoes shoes that have compartments in the hell to hide your stuff in when the manor gets a little to risky to leave stuff alone.

You have taken (not) every necessary steps to ensure that the rest of them don’t find your little part time hobby, even when you know they won’t pay enough attention to notice (or will they…). But still as long as it stays with you in the shadows it will be easier as the days go by.

You have thought about quitting. But that was just a brief thought. The high and comfort was just too much for you to leave. It helped you cope. It helped keeping you out of your own dark thoughts. You never had to think of anything regarding your life when you’re high.

All you need was just pills and a joint and you are almost as happy when your mom was alive.

Almost…

An // ahh this chapter is shiiiitt. I srs don’t know what to do here 😭😭😭

I have plans for more chapters that may or may not come just be patient and ignore the mess that is my writing.

Tag list (if I have forgotten you I’m sorry pls just comment and I will add you in the next one) : @welpthisisboring @vanessa-boo @shycreatorreview @jsprien213 @1abi

Bye bye now 🤘

[pastelaeqy]

very generic swap AU for ava. Lots of yap below the cut where I talk about important changes and my thoughts about the differences between victim and Mitsi here.

couple important differences between her and victim

The big one is that she doesn't actually pursue revenge until she realises the guy who tortured her malewife would give her access to the guy who killed her malewife; before this, she basically has a big personality change, becomes a bit bitter, cold, managing with an iron fist etc and changes Rocket Corp's focus from general tech to arms/defence using blueprints victim had made.

unlike victim, who loses like 90% of his workforce and tanks the share prices, Mitsi instead sells to the gov because they are now obviously wanting some protection against terrorists. Whereas victim is too caught up in his own trauma to think of any other future for the company, Mitsi capitalises off the fear The Disappearance caused and quickly becomes the wealthiest figure in the entire Outernet. I think she’d be an absolutely terrifying boss using her old personality as more of a Customer Service mask. This would definitely be obvious though and I think it would make her more terrifying if anything 

As to how victim dies in the disappearance, my best guess is once people start disappearing from the party, he realises it’s to do with Newgrounds very quickly and he rushes over there with the rocket he fixed probably not long after he landed. He gets there, finds her, and saves her in a final moment of self sacrifice. I think this is a good setup because it puts Mitsi (and Agent) in the exact position Agent is in canon whilst also allowing Mitsi to see who the culprit was. I think it’s a good (temporary…) ending for victim as well, since he dies on his own terms rather than that of his creator’s

It's not until The Showdown that she realises she has a proper shot at getting revenge AND getting victim back; I'm certain victim has at least told her a little about how he was made, and she realises that she could totally get that revenge she's been craving for years whilst also convincing victim's creator to "make him again". Another big difference between victim and Mitsi here is that whilst victim quite obviously stews in his rage and grief for an extensive period of time (and quite frankly never actually has any real proof TCO and Alan are working together and simply just assumes that until he gets that showdown clip), Mitsi doesn’t let it show until she knows it’s actionable i.e. she has solid proof that going after TCO would give her access to Alan. 

Something else to add on here is that where victim is more or less using Mitsi’s death as an excuse for revenge, Mitsi is using her love for victim as a motivator. Because Mitsi simply doesn’t have the sort of background victim does (the disappearance is like THE traumatic event of her life rather than one of several), victim takes the emotional centre of her eventual desire for revenge. In canon, it’s pretty clear victim is more obsessed with getting revenge on Alan than getting revenge on TCO (still absolutely brutal towards TCO though, don’t get me wrong); his hatred for Alan/TCO outshines his love for Mitsi.

Big flaw here is that she doesn't really grasp how bad Alan was to victim; she’s so deadset on getting him back that she won’t stop and think “how might this actually be a bad thing”. I wouldn’t imagine he would be normal after being revived again and I think this would work as a good climactic point of conflict for like act 3. Where in canon there’s a good chance Mitsi will be revived no immediate consequences (thanks orange), victim would be redrawn the same way he had been all those years ago (and hence would not actually look like the victim Mitsi knew in the first place). A nice touch of “revived but came back wrong” to get Mitsi to hop off the revenge train. Another big aspect here is that victim would be like “what have you done to our company�� much in the same way id assume Mitsi would in canon.

Overall I think the events we see in canon (other than the ones I have described) would play out about the same. I think it would be clearer that Rocket Corp. has a way bigger presence in the Outernet rather than being some weird creepy company that people vaguely remember as having a change in management some time after the disappearance. Mitsi would be probably more precise (and markedly less brutal) in capturing and extracting information from TCO because Mitsi doesn’t have the inferiority complex victim does. I think he’d still take a couple hits though, but Mitsi has no need to exemplify her control over TCO like victim does; she just needs to weaken him enough to make him talk.

That’s all i’ve really thought about so far. She’s spinning around in my mind like she’s in a microwave.

[zyafics]

HEARTBREAK: OFFLINE | 63

All | MASTERLIST (SMAU)

Pairing — Ex-BF!Rafe x Radio Host!Female Reader

Summary — You and Rafe were the perfect couple. But after a mysterious breakup, you went off the grid. When your best friends pulls you back into the spotlight to host a on-campus radio show, you find yourself opening up to the world about your experience. This time, with everyone listening—including Rafe. And him? He wants you back.

Content — college au, football player!rafe au, pregnancy (umbrella term for everything related including, but not limited to: abortions, miscarriages, etc.) and discussions of its grief.

Navigation — Part 62 | Part 63 | Part 64

Song — off the table by Ariana Grande, The Weeknd

IMPORTANT INFO ABOUT TAGLIST AND UPDATES: if you want to be notified about all my fics and updates, follow @zyafics-library and turn on notifications! however, if you want to be added to this specific taglist, let me know (but to remain tagged, you must interact with the posts).

TAGLIST FOR HB:L: @ghostofwriting @mimibaby01 @itneverendshere @inthelibrarybtw @psychocitylights @carrerascameron @theeternaloptimistt @frankoceanluvr11 @lilithblackkk @promiscuousg1rl @whytheylosttheirminds @harrys-housewife @maybankslover @cnnamongrl @a-lovers-card @rafesgiirl @psychicnatural @rrosiitas @enthusiastms @doll-face222 @ilovefiction4lmen @goldsainz @starkeygirls @maybankiara @yootvi @4ria790 @rafegf-real @rafeslovergirl @yuckblushin @xoxosblogsblog @logansblackgf @watchmerora @lou-la-lou @astroniii @vonhoe @congratsloserr @ilyrafe @rafesdrew @marooningmirrorball @drwstarkeys @xdaughterofpersephonex @ivysprophecy @murdockcastleslut @jeongintwt @evelynffics @sematarygirls @winniemoe @chenslucy

[casino-lights]

so. the thing about Illario and Lucanis.

I don't have the screenshots but somewhere in Lucanis' mind, you hear Illario's voice saying "If I was in charge, you wouldn't have to do this anymore." as far as I can tell, all the other lines in his memories are from the game, but this one is from The Wigmaker Job. the story that took place over a year (probably more) prior to the events of the game. it's referring to a scene where Lucanis comes back from their contract, injured, and Illario, worried about his cousin, says that Lucanis wouldn't have to do Caterina's bidding anymore if Illario was First Talon. so now we know Lucanis still thinks about that conversation, even though it happened so long ago.

two other things about The Wigmaker Job: 1) Illario is a lot different in it and in some ways he seems more competent than the Illario we get in veilguard; and 2) we see Zara Renata at the end, and she already has Lucanis in her sights. depending on how much time passed between that contract and Lucanis' kidnapping, she could've been setting this up for months to years.

in the concept art/storyboard frames that were recently released, Zara is hardcore giving siren in the first image and it almost looks like she's straight up controlling Illario via blood magic in the second (imo)

now imagine if Zara was looking into Lucanis, started with the people closest to him, found Illario, and said all the right things. imagine she said he should be First Talon, Caterina never loved him, Lucanis doesn't believe in him and is secretly just tolerating him, he can save Antiva from the Antaam (or whoever else), he can lead the Crows to their long-awaited unification and make them even stronger, he's the smartest prettiest most super special boy in the whole wide world, etc. (if you give this man an ounce of praise and he actually believes it, he will crumble, I know it.)

now imagine Zara, having successfully sunk her claws into Illario - Lucanis Dellamorte's cousin, the only person closer to the Demon of Vyrantium than the First Talon herself - manages to convince him to let her kill Lucanis. he doesn't have to do it himself so there's less guilt. there's no way Caterina would make him First Talon if Lucanis was alive. and then Illario would be in a position to protect his beloved Antiva because if there's one thing the Antivan Crows are, it's patriots. I think Zara played Illario like a fucking fiddle and the game was just really bad at showing us that. I think when her spirit says "he fooled us both," she means he fooled her by being less of a coward than she thought and straight up killing her.

and maybe this is the Illario apologist in me, but I also think he realized the whole thing was a doomed plan after he was defeated. I mean, he shows up to the final battle to help, at risk of his own life. maybe he's trying to atone, maybe not, but still - he is there, and he sounds more like the Illario we see in The Wigmaker Job than whatever we got through the rest of the game. with his quippy little "was that suitably self-important?" line, he's closer to himself than he was this whole time, and that makes me wonder if maybe he wasn't fully Illario. maybe that was grief and guilt and a shaky sense of self and Zara's manipulation and the feeling of losing his grip on the power he never quite had to begin with, all bundled up into a new, bitter, resentful man. I think he was used like a pawn in Zara's chess game, and that doesn't take away from his agency in this situation or lessen the blow of his betrayal, but it does make it easier for me to swallow the fact that the Obvious Traitor Illario I was immediately skeptical of in-game is not the Illario I immediately loved after one scene in Tevinter Nights where he shaves a single hair because it was uneven with the rest of his five o clock shadow.

I think ultimately, Illario realized Lucanis would forgive him anyway. I think it's because he realized he would forgive Lucanis too.