#the hypomania struggle is real

[prozach27]

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[jennandblitz]

Borderline!Sirius Black

I’ve been meaning to write a post about Borderline Sirius for the longest time, but this is partly inspired by my posting a snippet of a BPD!Sirius fic a while ago and the fact I’ve had this headcanon for over two years now. My Sirius is often written as being Borderline, whether explicit or not. Borderline Sirius is something I’ve become increasingly attached to recently. The more I look at his personality and actions in canon, the more I can see him attached to the criteria of BPD/EUPD. A lot of my feelings about Sirius are from my own personal canon, especially during the First War where the pressure pot of existential dread is an untold stress on all members of the Order, but I think especially Sirius struggled under this pressure due to his personality disorder. 

I think the easiest and most structured way to talk about Sirius’ Borderline—which is a complex and deep set of characteristics rooted in trauma and a consistently disrupted childhood, as all Borderline is—is through the diagnostic criteria from the DSM V. To be diagnosed with BPD, one needs to show at least five of the criteria. For ease of reading and to avoid a 3k word text post, I’m going to expand on the ones I think Sirius shows the most and leave others as a few lines. 

This should go without saying but here we are, these opinions are my own and do not invalidate or disprove any other headcanons anyone else may have—everyone’s Sirius and their interpretations of him are all valid! If you don’t like my headcanons, DNI and move on!

A note on Bipolar Disorder v Borderline Personality Disorder: I’ve seen both use the same acronym and for ease I’ve taken to saying Borderline rather than BPD, or using the new acronym of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). This post is also partly inspired by seeing @soloorganaas’ posts on Bipolar Sirius on my dash in that we need more psychological deep-dives into these characters, looking at their mental illnesses and neurodivergencies outwith canon. That is to say I love Natasha’s posts on Bipolar Sirius and you should all go and read them! Bipolar and Borderline aren’t mutually exclusive and, of course all headcanons exist at once, but in my own experience both Bipolar and Borderline have many overlaps, especially in Sirius’ character.

If you have things you want to add to this post, please feel free to reblog. Though I would kindly discourage any Borderline-bashing, if you have nothing nice to add, DNI. My dream would be to open a discussion about Borderline Sirius and other Black family members who we may headcanon as having BPD—because let’s be real, it’s a family heirloom.

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Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. 

I think this is the most painful thing to think about because of all the abandonment Sirius has suffered throughout canon. What I think of first are the two-way mirrors; Sirius and James are so very intertwined that they want the ability to communicate at any given moment, even during school. Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment can be demonstrated in several ways, both in clinging to the person, or abandoning the person first in order to paradoxically avoid the hurt of eventual abandonment. I think this is part of Sirius’ reaction during OotP, when he pulls away from everyone due to their perceived abandonment of him—he is alone in the house of his childhood and his friends are leaving to go and do the work he wishes he could do.

2.    A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

For me, this is the peak of explaining Sirius’ behaviour throughout canon. 

I hesitate to call it the Prank because that word isn’t used during canon at all, but for ease of understanding, I will. Borderline patients can have episodes of hypomania, and I do think an episode of mania contributed to Sirius’ actions here, but I also think Sirius split on Remus—ie, his perception of Remus switched from idealised to demonised and devalued. This could be over something so seemingly trivial to an outsider, even something like choosing to sit next to James and not Sirius at the dinner table, or not replying to a note Sirius passed to him. I can see Remus doing something that makes Sirius devalue him to the point of Sirius not seeing how the following events will affect his friend and he sends Snape to the Shack in a moment of impulsivity (more on that later), without truly being cognisant of the consequences of his actions, because he, in that moment, did not see Remus as a person of value. 

He absolutely idealises and idolises James Potter (he is Sirius’ Favourite Person—something I could write a whole other post on) and Sirius’ idealisation blinds him to any more sensible actions especially regarding the Fidelius charm. He will go above and beyond to protect James and his family by extension. Peter, and also Remus, are so idealised by Sirius that they are able to do no wrong—perhaps this is why Sirius is able to overlook any slight clues as to Peter’s true allegiances and entrust him as the Secret Keeper. 

Harry, by extension, is hugely idealised by his Godfather. Sirius believes he is perfect and that Harry can accomplish anything. When Harry sends his letter in GoF saying his scar hurts, Sirius immediately flies back to protect him, and also breaks into a Wizarding house to use the fire to communicate with Harry. Harry is not above being devalued by Sirius, however: in the Floo-call in OotP, Sirius tells Harry ‘you’re less like your father than I thought’, and to me it’s clear in that moment that Sirius sees Harry as having fundamentally missed the bar of high standards Sirius holds him to.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

As we know, Sirius was the first Black not to be sorted into Slytherin. I think part of that comes from Sirius’ unstable sense of self, which, according to several studies, comes from the inability to integrate positive and negative traits. Sirius was simultaneously idealised by his parents and family as the scion of the House Black, and then, when he began to not meet their standards, was devalued as a blood traitor. I believe that Sirius developed some dissatisfaction with his life before he was sorted into Gryffindor, which was only heightened by his sorting and then devaluation by his family. This gives Sirius a markedly disturbed sense of self, which I think we can see during PoA where Sirius’ entire personality becomes getting revenge on Peter, then swiftly switches to being Harry’s Godfather once Peter has been caught.

4. Impulsivity in at least 2 areas that are potentially self-damaging. (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Sirius’ recklessness is well characterised in canon, imo. Simply put, he spends recklessly—the Firebolt for Harry—and we are well aware of his substance abuse during OotP. We see his recklessness during PoA also, where he comes to Hogwarts despite knowing that there are Dementors and Aurors looking for him, because he wants to find Peter. He also breaks into a Wizarding house during GoF in order to Floo-call Harry, which obviously could potentially end badly. 

As above, I also think The Prank is a symptom of Sirius’ impulsivity. Borderlines often say and do things in the heat of those splitting moments which can be self-damaging in more than the physical ways listed above, such as ending friendships or starting arguments, and I do think the Prank is damaging to Sirius’ view of himself, his position within the friend group of the Marauders and especially his view in James’ eyes, regardless of whether the Marauders forgave Sirius quickly or not.

5. Recurrent suicidal behaviour, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behaviour.

Okay, this isn’t explicit in canon, but I do think Sirius’ actions at the Department of Mysteries are part and parcel of his suicidal ideation. This passive devaluation of his own life leads him to put himself in danger for Harry—who becomes his FP in James’ absence—and his recklessness goes beyond the above criteria. His escape from Azkaban in PoA is similarly reckless. No one has escaped Azkaban yet Sirius, who has spent twelve years punishing himself for the death of his FP, is willing to try, such that he values his life so little.

Admittedly, this criteria is also largely based around my own headcanons especially during the First War. I believe Sirius’ recklessness with his own life is marked during this time, especially if anything should happen to the other Marauders, Sirius’ internal monologue may often turn to suicidal ideation.

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

Ooh, this is a big one. I instantly think of Sirius’ immediate, marked happiness when Harry says he would like to come and live with him at the end of PoA—everything else is immediately unimportant when Sirius’ Godson (and Favourite Person) is talking to him. When Harry first arrives at Grimmauld Place in OotP, Sirius is jovial if a little concerned about Harry, but playful nonetheless. This changes very abruptly when Molly raises concerns about Harry being brought up to speed about Voldemort. We also see Sirius in a depressive state when he is told not to accompany Harry to his hearing.

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness.

How else would he survive the emptiness of Azkaban if he didn’t already know how that emptiness felt? Welp, I’m giving myself feelings.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

*gestures vaguely at the whole Shrieking Shack scene* 

Beyond that, Sirius’ fury during OotP when he and Molly argue is also important here. I want to note also the difference between hot anger and cold anger, in that I think Sirius is very much feeling cold anger in this moment when he is arguing with Molly. Although I largely headcanon Sirius as experiencing a lot of ‘hot’ anger—that is to say, shouting and yelling, red-faced and furious—especially during the First War, I do think that being in Grimmauld Place in OotP makes Sirius lean towards ‘cold’ anger—more calculating, more biting and sharp—like his anger when Harry questions him about the Family Tree and when he and Snape argue over Harry’s Occlumency lessons. Perhaps we don’t see ‘hot’ anger from Sirius often during OotP, but we do see plenty of ‘cold’ anger from him, as well as a healthy dose of resentment and bitterness.

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

Sirius’ actions and reactions in OotP are classic, imo, dissociative symptoms, specifically being back in the house where large amounts of his childhood trauma and the seat of his personality disorder took root. 

***

Overall, I think looking at our favourite characters through these psychological lenses really changes how we interact with them, both in canon and fandom settings. There are so many great takes about what it means for these characters to be neurodivergent in many different ways, and I’m sure there is a whole host more to say about Sirius’ mental health, whether he be Borderline or not, that I won’t cover here because this is going to be over 2k words. 

If you made it to the end, I salute you! Thank you for listening to me ramble about Borderline!Sirius and how dear he is to me! ��

[topazadine]

Writing Research Notes: Bipolar Disorder

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 19 and had a psychotic episode at age 21, so I'd like to say I know a bit about what I'm talking about. And I'm a writer! So today, I'd like to provide some facts about bipolar as a jumping-off point for your research.

Things we'll discuss:

A note of caution

Types of bipolar disorder

Phases of bipolar

Warning signs of mania

Symptoms of mania

Symptoms of psychosis

How bipolar is treated

Common myths about bipolar

Characterizations to avoid regarding bipolar

How to create an authentic bipolar character

This is just my opinion as someone who has lived with bipolar for a long time. Everyone experiences bipolar a bit differently, so not everything I mention will apply to everyone, and my own story may not reflect every single bipolar person. With that disclaimer, let's go.

A Note of Caution

This is a guide to help people who want to write about bipolar. It should NOT be used for self-diagnosis or to diagnose anyone else.

If you think you have bipolar, you need to speak to a professional as soon as possible. Bipolar disorder is not a cute quirky accessory. Both mania and depression literally cause brain damage, as I've discussed in my post about the Myth of the Martyr-Artist.

This is not something to play around with or to use to build street cred or whatever. It is a serious, severe mental health condition that causes untold hardship for sufferers, including increased risk of suicide, homelessness, addiction, and even dementia.

So please don't read this and go "oh I probably have bipolar lol." If you do read through this and go "oh shit this sounds like me," then get thyself to a physician as soon as possible and go through a real, actual, professional screening.

Alright, anyway, let's get into it.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar is typically separated into two types. What kind you have depends on your predisposition to either extreme: mania or depression.

Bipolar 1

People with Bipolar 1 tend to have more severe manic episodes and less severe depressive episodes. They are more predisposed to experience psychotic episodes, though psychosis can happen in Bipolar 2 as well. Bipolar 1 patients may only have very brief depressive episodes or they may only experience their "baseline" and mania. (As an aside, I have Bipolar 1.)

Bipolar 2

People with Bipolar 2 lean more toward depressive episodes. They may experience hypomania, which is a less severe form of mania, but their primary symptom will be depression.

It's important to note that while many say Bipolar 1 is more severe because of the manic episodes and risk of psychosis, this does not discount the extreme suffering that can result from Bipolar 2. Patients with Bipolar 2 have just as many struggles as Bipolar 1 patients.

Phases of Bipolar

Depression

This works much the same as the typical depression that people with Major Depressive Disorder experience, but bipolar patients may be more agitated, self-destructive, and aggressive when depressed.

Hypomania

This is the "less severe" version of mania. In the chart above, it's demonstrated by DIG-FAST: distractibility, impulsivity, grandiosity, flight of ideas, activity increases, sleeplessness, and talkativeness. These happen in full mania too, but to a greater extent.

Many people with Bipolar 2 welcome hypomania because, well, it feels a lot better than the depression they are usually stuck with. However, it's important to note that hypomania, like mania, can cause brain damage. It's not something to screw around with.

Mania

A more severe, destructive version of hypomania: everything is dialed up to 11. People may become hypersexual, spend money they don't have, destroy relationships, make inappropriate comments at work, or even fly into destructive rages.

Mania can be terrifying, both for the sufferer and for those around them. You can be so extremely happy that it's almost painful, or so angry that you feel like you're going to tear your own skin off.

Psychosis

This typically is the "end result" of mania which happens to about 50% of people experiencing a manic episode. It is typified by delusions and hallucinations. We'll discuss these a bit more later.

Contrary to popular belief, psychotic hallucinations are typically auditory, not visual, though visual hallucinations can occur as well. Other strange and less common hallucinations include olfactory (smelling things that aren't there), gustatory (tasting things that aren't there), or sensory (feeling people touching you).

Euthymia 

This is the normal, calm state in between depressive and manic episodes, where one has a sense of well-being and stability. It is the goal of therapy and medication management.

However, experiencing euthymia doesn't mean that the bipolar disorder is gone: it just means that it is in remission. Bipolar patients must always be on alert for warning signs of mania and be active participants in their own care.

Warning Signs of Mania

Manic episodes often come with prodomes, symptoms that appear before full-blown mania.

Bipolar patients and their families should be on alert for these warning signs and, if they continue to occur for more than a week or so, schedule an appointment with the patient's psychiatrist to see if they need a higher medication dosage.

Here are some common signs that happen before full-blown mania:

Feeling either really great or really terrible for no reason. Sometimes you can feel really great and really terrible at the same time. It's a very weird feeling.

Functioning well on little sleep for days on end. Not just one sleepless night, but being able to go to work and function on like 4 hours of sleep night after night.

Increased or decreased appetite. Either you hate food or it's the most important thing in your life. Can fluctuate day by day.

Increased productivity. You're getting soooo much done and so quickly! (It probably sucks but we'll put that aside for now.) You just want to work on your passion projects constantly.

Sudden interest in multiple new hobbies all at once, and throwing yourself into them with such passion that it's scary.

Weird physical symptoms. You may find yourself locked into a position and not want to move, or your skin may feel odd, like it's too tight or prickly.

Sudden bouts of tinnitus. It sounds really weird, but it's been proven to be a sign of impending mania along with the skin symptoms I mentioned before.

Your eyes look different. Your pupils are always dilated.

Not everyone will get all of these, but most people will have at least one trigger that happens to them every time before a manic episode. For me, it was hypergraphia (because of course it was).

Symptoms of Mania

Not all of these symptoms will happen to everyone, and every manic episode can be a little different. It all really depends on who you are. Now, I must say that anyone, bipolar or not, can have these symptoms. It is the intensity of them that defines mania. A manic episode can ruin your life because you just get. so. extreme. about whatever it is.

Becoming extremely focused on random things and projects. For me, it was cleaning the house: I started throwing out old photos that I thought we didn't need because I didn't want any clutter. I would sweep the floor for hours at a time. Sudden and intense interest in random subjects. I got really obsessed with Neolithic Scotland of all things. Now I can't even remember half the shit I learned. Spending way too much money. Many people will go into extreme debt because of their mania, especially if they don't have family support. I spent like $300 on a kitchen knife set despite having a full set of perfectly serviceable kitchen knives. I also bought a professional-grate ukulele that I very much could not afford and very much did not need. Worsening of any addictions or developing new addictions. Especially seen in gambling addictions because, well, you already want to spend a lot of money and it's an extreme dopamine hit. Sudden and intense aggression or emotional volatility. Normally calm and relaxed people will go off the deep end about pretty much anything: screaming, throwing things, and then bursting into tears out of guilt. I'm normally a pretty chill person, but one time I threw a phone at my mom's head because she pissed me off so much. I can't even remember what she said to make me mad. Feeling invincible. Manic people are convinced that nothing bad could ever happen to them and they can do whatever they want. Think of someone running into traffic, sure that no one will hit them. Or, on the other hand, feeling terrified of everything. This can happen to the same person, sometimes simultaneously. You may believe everything is a threat, even when there is no clear and obvious threat. Being physically incapable of sleeping. It's not insomnia like normal people experience, where you pop a melatonin or do some breathing exercises and manage to fall asleep. You cannot fall asleep. Normal sleeping pills do not work. You may need heavy-duty tranquilizers. One time, I combined like five Benadryl and a whole bottle of whisky and STILL couldn't get to sleep. I was crying because of how tired I was. Talking extremely fast and in an extremely disconnected way. This is called flight of ideas; you start jumping from one discussion to another in ways that other people can't follow. Your brain has made that leap but can't articulate it for other people. Shiny eyes. You really can see mania in the eyes; it's very unsettling. Manic eyes look dark, wide, and shimmery. Hypersexuality. I did not have this problem, but I have talked to bipolar people who wrecked their marriages because they could not control their urges. That's not an excuse, of course, nor does it lessen the pain that the other person felt. But it can indeed happen. Unintentional pregnancies, STDs, and a whole lot of bad feelings can come from this. Kleptomania. I also did not experience this, but I have heard of other bipolar people who felt an uncontrollable urge to steal things they didn't even need to: they could afford it, they just wanted the thrill of stealing it.

Mania can cause amnesia afterward, and the person may not remember large swathes of what happened, or it will feel "dream-like" and confusing. Of course, they've got some major damage control to do that can plummet them into depression.

Symptoms of Psychosis

Again, just like with mania, not everyone will experience all of these. If a person has multiple psychotic episodes, each one may be a bit different every time.

I'm going to separate this into several sections: common delusions, common hallucinations, and Other symptoms (which are often not discussed as much).

Common Delusions

Delusions can shift throughout the course of a psychotic episode, seamlessly morphing from one to another without clear cause.

With psychoanalysis, one can often find that there are "seeds" of a delusion in the person's everyday life, and they may be connected to current events. For example, someone may think they're the reincarnation of a previous president during a presidential election.

Being god or a reincarnation of a famous person

Extreme religiosity

A belief that they have found the "key" to the universe and that everything is connected by some vast conspiracy

Being surveilled by a government entity, sometimes with the belief that they have had tracking devices installed without their consent

Being stalked, harassed, or tormented by unknown entities or by strangers (gang-stalking)

Being persecuted for a certain identity

Having some special role to play or a special status

Being a member of a special community

Having special knowledge or insight into issues, like world affairs

Being ill with another disease, like cancer or dementia

Being ageless, immortal, or invincible

Having a special connection with a celebrity, famous person, fictional character, people you know, or even strangers

A sense that loved ones have been replaced with clones or copies

Believing that there is a secret "play" going on and other people are playing along with a secret "script"

Believing other people can hear your thoughts, or that you can hear theirs

Common Hallucinations

Repeating noises, words, or phrases, often in distinct voices

Spectral, unhearable music

Environmental noises that don't exist, like train whistles or construction sounds

Repeating jingles or "ear-worms" that get stuck and may continue for days or weeks off and on

Humming, whirring, or ringing

Mutated or blurry faces, even of people you know well

A sense that a person's face is not their "real" face and they are wearing a mask

Haloes or auras around people or animals

Sparkles, flashes, and black spots

Colorful lights, ribbons, or strings

Seeing people you know who could not feasibly be there, like old coworkers, old partners, or deceased relatives

Vague blurry shapes, or distinct monster-like entities

Strangely shaped or mutated animals or people

"String people" or "stick people"

Black "void people"

Shadows that aren't there, typically around doors or windows

Skittering bugs, rodents, or snakes, often black or blurry

Bugs or small creatures crawling on the skin

Itchiness or grittiness on the skin

Light feathery touches along the skin, especially on the back or hands

Goosebumps with no clear cause that don't go away

Bad smells, like feces, garbage, body odor, or burning plastic

Good smells, often those from childhood

Losing sense of smell or taste

Sense that the mouth is full when nothing is there

Prickly tongue

Metallic taste (may be a medication side effect)

Other Symptoms

Muscle stiffness

Catatonia

Slurred or fast speech

Lack of appetite

Weight loss

Migraines

Parkinsonian symptoms (tremors)

How Bipolar Is Treated

Bipolar is treated in a few ways, with the most important and prominent being medication.

Medication

Bipolar is typically treated with mood stabilizers, which is a vague class that includes anticonvulsants, SSRIs, SNRIs, and other groups of medications. (The medication I use, Lamictal, is an anticonvulsant.)

Psychiatrists must be very careful when prescribing antidepressants for Bipolar I patients because too much can bring on mania. Bipolar 1 patients will often have an antipsychotic added to their regimen as well. There are new classes of drugs that combine antidepressants with antipsychotics for a one-and-done deal.

Bipolar patients may also have antianxiety medications added to their regimen.

Psychosis is a medical emergency and must be treated as soon as possible. Fast-acting antipsychotics can be injected in the emergency room to stablize a psychotic patient. They may also use tranquilizers to calm a paranoid or combative patient.

Like with schizophrenia, patients who are not medication-compliant may opt for a long-lasting antipsychotic injection that only needs to be done once a month or once every three months.

Therapy

A history of trauma is one of the things that predisposes a person to bipolar disorder, so working on this can help reduce symptoms. EMDR therapy can be a safe and effective way to process trauma for bipolar patients.

However, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) doesn't work very well for bipolar patients because, well, their cognitive distortions are brought about by chemical changes in the brain, not just seeing the world "wrong."

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a better choice for bipolar patients because it helps them become more aware of their thoughts and, therefore, better able to manage their emotions.

Other options include equine-assisted therapy (my favorite!), art therapy, and family therapy to help build a stronger support system.

Lifestyle Changes

All the stuff that helps "normal" people can help bipolar patients, too. For example, having a set routine, eating well, setting and keeping a bedtime, getting exercise, and eating well are all crucial for managing bipolar, in addition to medication and therapy.

Weight management is a critical component of bipolar treatment. A lot of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers can cause weight gain, even when someone isn't overeating; they can also cause cravings for sweet foods or an increased appetite.

Because bipolar is often comorbid with other conditions worsened by excess weight, such as diabetes, heart disease, and PCOS, care must be taken to keep one's weight down. Excercise, because it has neurogenic benefits, can be enormously helpful in helping to heal the brain.

Some medications also cause vitamin deficiencies because they affect the way that the body processes nutrients, and they may block absorption of certain nutrients. Multivitamins can counteract this and even reduce symptoms because some deficiencies have a marked impact on mood.

Bipolar people should not drink, as it reduces the efficacy of medications and can lead to nasty side effects. They also should NOT smoke weed, especially if they have a history of psychosis. Yes, marijuana-induced psychosis is very real and far more likely for a bipolar person.

Additionally, bipolar people should nurture their support system, as having family support is a key factor in whether a bipolar person can stay stable.

Common Myths About Bipolar

Bipolar people are dangerous. Not necessarily true, though common media depictions show this as if all bipolar people are roving murderers.

In fact, bipolar people are more likely to kill themselves than anyone else: it has the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric illness, about 20 to 30 times more than the general population.

Medication is a crutch and bipolar people can get better by themselves. Wrong. Just like someone doesn't magically get better from Type I Diabetes without treatment, bipolar people need medication.

Bipolar can be treated just with lifestyle changes. Again, just like someone with Type I diabetes, you can't just will the bipolar away. You need treatment. No amount of supplements or sunshine will fix it. It's a brain disorder.

Medication turns bipolar people into emotionless zombies. Incorrect, with a caveat. The wrong dosage or type of medication very much can make someone into a zombie; I've certainly felt that way before. However, the correct treatment allows bipolar people to thrive and stay stable for years to come.

A bipolar person can never become stable and will always have symptoms. Sorta not true. Bipolar comes with other issues, like executive dysfunction, that cannot always be managed or treated. BUT bipolar people very much can become stable and mostly asymptomatic with the right treatment.

Bipolar people are always having some sort of crisis. It can feel that way, but once a person is stable, they can look just like anyone else.

Bipolar can go away. No. Even if you are in remission, you still have bipolar disorder and can relapse at any time. It is a brain dysfunction that causes measurable structural differences in the brain which do not go away.

Once you snap out of psychosis/mania, you're right back to normal. Wrong. You don't just wake up and are not psychotic anymore. It takes time for your brain to equalize and come back to baseline. I remember it as feeling like I was rising out of a long, long sleep. Once someone is stable, it's like nothing ever happened. Mania or depression causes brain changes that can last years after the episode. On average, the brain damage from mania exists for up to seven years after the last episode, and it worsens with each subsequent episode.

Any fluctuation in mood is a symptom of bipolar. This is so, so, so annoying. Bipolar people are allowed to have bad days just like anyone else. If I'm having a shitty day but I'm not throwing phones at people, then I'm probably just having a bad day. If I'm really happy, it doesn't mean I'm manic.

Bipolar people can't help it and shouldn't be punished for their actions. No no no. What I like to say is that my bipolar doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does explain it. If you hurt someone while manic, you still hurt someone and it's still your fucking fault! Never use it as an excuse to be an asshole.

Everything about bipolar is terrible. Wrong! Bipolar can have benefits like creativity, empathy, good problem-solving, and a unique perspective on life. A stable bipolar person can be a delight to be around. But these don't discount the downsides and should not be a reason to refuse treatment.

Characterizations to Avoid Regarding Bipolar

Roving maniac. Kind of a duh. We have a bad enough rap anyway.

Evil murderer. Same as above.

Abusive evil spouse. I mean, yeah, a bipolar person can be abusive, but they're likely abusive because they're a shitty person and bipolar is just a side effect.

Manic pixie dream girl. Don't romanticize bipolar either.

Miserable cinnamon roll. We're people, okay? Complex, multifactorial, interesting people. We're not constantly miserable.

Total trainwreck. If you're going to show someone's nervous breakdown, please please please show them when they are stable too. Please don't just distil the bipolar person down to their symptoms. Show us as who we are: complex people just like you or anyone else.

Drama magnet. Frankly, a lot of bipolar people don't want to get involved in other people's shit. We've got our own stuff going on. We're not out to wreck your life, we're just trying to get through the day.

How to Create an Authentic Bipolar Character

Do your research. Read a mixture of medical journals, stories from bipolar people, and good depictions of bipolar disorder in the media. Go beyond what I have discussed here and seek out good, peer-reviewed research.

Don't add bipolar just for shock value. Annoying and shitty. If you're thinking of making an evil cruel murdermonster, stop. We have it hard enough and you're going to make it worse.

Create the character first, then add the bipolar. Every bipolar person is different, just like every person is different. Get a feel for your character and then determine how they might act when manic or depressed.

Use an array of symptoms. Don't just go for "ooooh scary monster in the corner of my eye" because that's boring and overdone. Look through the list I provided and consider how you can fit a few of them in there.

Remember that it takes time to recover from an episode. You should not just have your character wake up one day and be cured. They will feel "off" for a while after an episode, like a very very long hangover.

Consider medication symptoms. Decide what medication they will use and then look up the symptoms. Demonstrate how this makes them feel and whether it makes them want to continue treatment.

Think about how a character feels about their bipolar. Some people don't think it's a problem because they like the energy, and others are terrified of relapsing. Some see it as a challenge to be overcome, and others find it to be a burden that they want to be rid of. And many will feel all of these at different times.

Show the impact on other characters. Remember that your other characters are seeing and reacting to this. They may be terrified, frustrated, hurt, dismissive, or not want to deal with it.

Demonstrate times of stability, too. Too many people use bipolar as an "ooooh soo sad" (especially psychosis) and don't show the character just being a normal human being.

Show the ableism bipolar people face. Yes, we do face ableism. People calling us crazy, denying us medical care, passing us up for jobs, or my very least favorite, "have you taken your meds today?" UGH SHUT UP YES I HAVE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Remember that many people are not medication compliant. Medication compliance is one of the number one indicators of whether a person will stay stable long term. If your character refuses to take their medication, then they are more likely to relapse.

People have many reasons for not accepting treatment: they don't like the way it feels, they're embarrassed, they don't see it as a problem, or they can't afford it (some of these meds can be hundreds of dollars a month even with insurance). So make sure to explain why they are medication non-compliant.

I've created a masterlist of writing resources that you can peruse at your leisure, all for free.

The posts I write can sometimes take me hours - they're always intricate, always thoughtful. This one took me about three hours to complete.

I do this as a labor of love for the writing community, sharing what I have learned from almost 15 years of creative writing.

However, if you'd like to support me, maybe you'll consider buying my book for $1.99?

9 Years Yearning is a gay coming-of-age romance set in a fantasy world. It follows Uileac Korviridi, a young soldier training at the War Academy. His primary motivations are honoring the memory of his late parents, protecting his little sister Cerie, and becoming a top-notch soldier.

However, there's a problem: Orrinir Relickim, a rough and tough fellow pupil who just can't seem to leave Uileac alone.

The book features poetry, descriptions of a beautiful country inspired by Mongolia, and a whole lot of tsundere vibes.

Oh, and horse!!! Horse love!! SO MUCH HORSE LOVE.

You can also check it out on Goodreads for a list of expanded distribution.

If you do purchase my book, don't forget to leave a review!

Reviews are vital for visibility on Amazon and help to support indie authors like me. Whenever you love a book, be sure to let the author know! It's much appreciated.

[devilsskettle]

okay i do think i need to start getting serious about getting tested for adhd soon <- been an active conversation since i was 8 years old + my mom only got diagnosed with adhd after i told her i thought i might have adhd in high school so she started looking into it more in an adult context but she was talking to my teachers and doctors about it since elementary school and nobody ever fucking helped me and based on her experience with the diagnosis process i don’t fucking trust any of these fucking doctors it seems like they actively want you to struggle as much as possible to even humor the tiny tiny tiny possibility that your suspicions of adhd symptoms could maybe have some basis and i honestly can’t think about having a doctors appointment without imagining chewing out some poor random doctor for everything about this process that i’m mad about that i will definitely project onto them which may or may not be fair but will not be helpful for me to do lol but it took me almost 10 years to finally go to a doctor and be like hey i think i am severely depressed and have been for a long time and i literally never went back to my pcp because of how dismissive she was of my experience when i asked her about adjusting my medication and that’s one of the “easy” mental illnesses to have hahaha and now i’m scared they’re going to use my depression as leverage that since poor concentration is a depressive symptom that might rule out adhd and like there is some possible overlap with symptoms but for a while i’ve been like well i think there is more at play here actually, i feel like i’m having some other problems that aren’t really depressive symptoms and i’ve even had suspicions that i could be bipolar because i have some stretches of time when i have more energy and can be a lot more. well. hyperactive. hmmmm. and i’m always like could this be mania? i don’t think it’s severe enough to be mania tbh but could it be hypomania? or is this normal? tbh it doesn’t seem normal either but have i been depressed so long that i don’t know what normal is? but if that IS part of my baseline and i am hyperactive sometimes because i have a disorder with “hyperactivity” in the name then that would actually make a lot more sense not to mention problems with executive function, bad grades, obsessive focus on whatever thing i’m into at any given moment, time management problems, racing thoughts, chronic boredom and understimulation. and look i know it’s trendy rn and i know that they could easily see me as a drug seeker especially because if i were to be diagnosed i would want to be medicated (i wish i was still medicated for my depression tbh but again i dropped my pcp 2 years ago and never looked back so i ran out of antidepressants ages ago. rip) but i think its unfair to use that against people who just want to be able to be on the same level of adult functioning as everybody else because i cannot keep up with basic household tasks and work full time and be in school part time (i’m not even in classes rn because it’s the summer and there’s no way i could be in this program if it weren’t offered online and even then i absolutely did fail a class last semester and i’m still waiting to see what the consequences of that are gonna be. hehehe.) but like the state of my room is appalling, mainly exacerbated by my laundry situation in that i never fully put it away AND i think there’s something wrong with our dryer, i always just get random “groceries” like quick meals and snacks from fucking cvs because it’s too expensive to get real groceries delivered especially since when am i going to actually cook???? our kitchen isn’t huge anyway but i definitely don’t have the kind of energy i need to cook AND do the dishes which i am so bad at doing that i have stopped using dishes, i will use a paper towel or i will buy stuff that is already in a container so i don’t have to dirty any more dishes. which is why i have no dishes in our sink rn or for the past couple of months JUST FOR THE RECORD but its not because i’m a paragon of cleanliness and maturity lol

obligatory paragraph change because of the character limit!! i have had to be given multiple “verbal warnings” at work for frequent enough tardiness that it was noticeable and on one hand it’s like lol a verbal warning. okay i am shaking in my boots but it’s also just another mark against me in the opinions of the people making decisions about who might get promoted or not and i don’t have a great “escape plan” from this current job especially since i don’t know where my future will lie academically with my current grades and that was like. my whole plan to have a better career trajectory lmao so another option could be 1) apply to be a supervisor in my current department if a position ever opens up? <- won’t happen because they think i’m “timid and shy” and consistently late and don’t like me or think of me in any position of authority even though i know everything there is to know about my current department other than like. ordering stuff for the store and how to close the cash drawer at the end of the day which supervisors and managers do. 2) apply for a job in a different department <- also won’t happen because a lot of positions require a drivers license for no apparent reason and they’re super weird sometimes about hiring internally and as we established they don’t like me or see me in any other role despite consistently, i believe, demonstrating my competence. we have performance reviews coming up this month and i am basically ready to jump off a bridge anticipating bad feedback for stupid reasons. but my manager said good things last time so maybe i can start saving some evidence of good feedback to whip out if i ever do apply for anything internally. even making the switch from part time to full time in the same role same department same everything was like a truly painful and humiliating experience i am not prepared to do all that again hahaha. anyway. ummmm all that is to say that i do think there are some behavioral problems i have that could be symptoms of adhd that are negatively impacting my life in a significant way. but w/e idk what doctor will ever listen to me because i’m so “timid and shy” <- said this twice in quotes because that’s a real thing the guy from hr said to me when i first applied to switch to full time and i did give him pushback on that in the interview but like that’s how people see me because i have a naturally soft speaking voice and i don’t say everything that i think all the time and don’t need to be the center of attention constantly or beg for other people’s approval and i mind my own business!! i’m in guest services i’m literally not too timid to talk to people lmao and the coworkers i like i can be very chatty with. he said this after meeting me twice for 5 minutes in a role i wasn’t usually scheduled in at the time and all of my performance feedback was based off of that. sigh. one of my coworkers who is this sweet older lady calls him “the rat” and literally hates everyone in hr so much hahaha it’s honestly so validating to me. anyway they don’t diagnose quiet girls with adhd but luckily i’m not successful like my mom was so i have a lot more “evidence” that this could be a real problem than she did and she was still definitively and emphatically diagnosed with adhd by a specialist who did NOT want to diagnose her with adhd and told her as much. so maybe they’ll see it as something real that they should really consider and give me a real solution for but i don’t trust that they will at all tbqh the process that my mom went through seems like my personal hell of paperwork and doctors appointments and talking about your feelings and your failures and having a series of people dismiss you and actively work against you to get anything productive done. AAAAAA but i do feel like i need to do it if i want to stop wasting my life and try to get on the right track again and if they really really really tell me i’m wrong and that i don’t have adhd then i will listen as long as they give me some next steps to help me figure out what the actual problem is then. tbh though like i said

another obligatory paragraph break!! i’ve considered other possibilities and part of the diagnosis process is ruling out any other possible underlying causes but before typing the word “hyperactive” about how i sometimes get a burst of energy for a couple days like that, i did not even make a connection between when i wondered if i could be manic/hypomanic vs whether that could be adhd hyperactivity unhampered by depressive gloom. like i kind of want to pull my hair out in frustration feeling kind of dumb that i considered mania before i considered the hyperactivity disorder hahahaha but anyway. i will send some emails tomorrow morning, my mom (unprompted by me) sent me an email with a bunch of resources to get tested lmao and since she has already gone through it i feel like i can at least see what happens and my process will probably be a lot easier than hers for a LOT of reasons (childhood history + testimony from people who have known me from my childhood to now, family history obviously, demonstrable evidence of adverse effects on my life and general adult functioning) so i should at least try before i really fucking lose my mind or fuck up my life any more than i already have lol

[andswarwrites]

I tend to ramble on the best of days, but if I babble, I'm manic.  I am cheerful and friendly as a rule, but if I'm unshakably positive, if I'm laughing when I should be morose, I'm manic.  I tend to daydream and build scenarios in my head; as a writer this is an asset.  If I start believing that my daydreams and scenarios are reality, I'm manic.  I have a certain amount of natural confidence, but I do feel guilt and I assume blame.  If my confidence becomes overconfidence and I start to feel infallible, I'm manic.  The real kicker is: once the mania is introduced, I'm no longer aware that there's something wrong.  Or if I perceive a danger or a threat, I'm terrified and I react instinctively, which could put me in danger as well as loved ones.

"Bi"polar disorder insinuates two polar opposites: the depression and the manic phase.  In reality, there are levels: I know what stability looks like, it's where you're not too high nor two low, your energy levels shift around, but your mood is manifesting your personality more than your disorder.  Then there's light depression where you are dragging your feet, you feel physically ill and limited.  I tend to notice mania more than depression because I have to cope with chronic pain in my limbs, back and primarily my feet, and this pain is physically draining, so I don't really notice when my lack of energy is the result of my disorder until it's been a few days since the mood lifted and I realize I'd been a little more slow and listless.  I've never had a scary down, to me the scary side of my disorder is the highs.  I think I've stated that before.  No, there's a sense of well-being, of purpose, which anyone would enjoy, except with the looming possibility that you're going to rise too high. 

I'd say all these moods are like layers in the atmosphere.  I've compared the depression to being underwater.  When you come out onto dry land and your feet are firmly on the ground, that's stability.  Now, if you climb up to a high hill and glide off of it, you go parasailing: that's hypomania.  But if you go up to the highest peak in the world, where you're struggling to breathe, and you don't have proper equipment, so you think the best thing you can do to get down is jump: that's mania.

[shiroi---kumo]

tw; medical / generally uncomfortable situations / mental illness / work stuff under cut

Hi fam. We need to talk and my brain is labeling it as 'coming clean.'

So let's start with for those of you who do not know - I am clinically diagnosed with Bipolar 2 with Rapid Cycling - meaning I flip from depression to mania /hypomania at least once a month, sometimes more. Shit sucks.

So here's the dealio. Here's the newspaper update, shit ain't good right now. So before I get into this let me make one thing perfectly clear.

I'm not posting this to cry for help. I don't need people to fix my shit. I fix my shit. I'm giving you this so you have an update and an understanding of what is going on on the other side of the screen. This is a newspaper update. This is a "hey this is what is going on in my brain" update. I am not asking you to fix my problems NOR DO I WANT YOU TO.

Cool. We understand each other? Good.

Posting this kind of shit is hard for me so just - bear with me. I've been real quiet lately and not really online. I've put everything in the queue because then the blog stays rolling while I'm not here. I do like a massive update one day drop it all in the queue and then disappear again for days at a time.

Shit ain't good but it all came to a head yesterday at work.

I got unexpectedly drug into the HR office because my "hygiene was concerning". Guys, I'm a fucking custodian at a bar. Do you think I get dirty in a day? Oh I do. Apparently they don't understand the concept of a "dirty job". Anyway. I got cornered by HR and the head of facilities and told this was "coming from a place of love and concern for me" and being the info dumper triggered by trauma I am - I just started dropping shit on them and yelling.

I told them outright I've been struggling with suicidal ideation for the last week (longer but they didn't need to know that and it comes and goes. it's been super bad this last week.) But I just dropped that on work with no warning and my depression and a reminder that I am bipolar and they told me "you know you can come talk to us at any time." (HR and my Big Boss)

and It just triggered something in my brain and I snapped.

because my lead worker is not someone I can go to and has been bullying and threatening me for the last three years. So I went off about everything. How he told me I'm not allowed to talk to HR. How he won't stop ranting about how much he hates entertainment (department), how he used retaliation to punish me when I call in or do shit he doesn't like (like talk to HR). How I am literally too scared to apply for FMLA because I am scared of this man's repercussions.

I went the fuck OFF. I was cussing every other word. I held nothing back and even laughed in HR's face when she asked me if "I felt like I could be my true authentic self at work" to which she got me laughing obnoxiously and "FUCK NO."

And now they are all acting real squirrelly at work since I dropped the big bad S-word yesterday and they're watching me to make sure I'm okay and good and I told them I just lie to people and tell them I'm fine because my leader worker demands "positive attitudes at all times." to which I reminded them as someone who is bipolar asking this of me is literally impossible.

I explained I just want the ability to actually say at work 'it's no one's fault. My brain is just crashing so I'm gunna be quiet.' Because I am sick and fucking tired of getting told (by my lead worker) that "everyone says we're all grumpy" (as in all of housekeeping not just him)

I am sick to fucking death of it. So I went the fuck off and HR promised me there would be no backlash to this after they talk to him and I once again laughed in her fucking face.

"I know you don't believe me right now." "imma stop you right fuckin' there. No offense, but I'm scraping the bottom of the fuckin' barrel with my depression right now, so no I don't believe you and I don't believe fuckin' shit right now to be completely fucking honest."

So there's that.

My brain has been really upset about literally everything lately. I've felt on this weird island by myself and struggling with a lot of personal shit, but it's mine to fix. It's mine to set with. I just need a little time to sort my shit out.

The depression is bad. I'm here so much because I'm trauma blocking a lot of shit. Productive doesn't equal wellness. It equals me trying to cope in a way that makes it so I don't have to think about anything else. The "too busy to think" phenomenon. So yes my mind has gone suicidal in recent days. I won't lie to you but after getting fucking cornered at work about it, my brain is doing the "alright enough of that. Put the fucking mask back on and hide your shit better" game.

Guys I'm sick of hiding.

I write to cope. It's how I process. Art is my soul and it's how I function. I just want you to understand why you see so much shit coming out of me. It's not magic. It's overwork. I don't do anything else. Work just shoved me off a cliff yesterday and I got fed the "this is a safe space" line like six times and "we're doing this because we love you and care about you" and I realized my brain only translating it as anger wasn't where my emotions SHOULD be.

My crayons fell out of the box and the colors are all out of order. So if shit is slow I'm not ignoring you or it might be in the queue. If shit is lightning fast, well I'm probably coping with something.

Just - that's where I'm at right now.

[that-bipolar-mood]

Hi there,

I don't know who else to talk to about this, and your blog seems like the only one I can talk to about this (you don't even have to answer this).

About half a year ago I started getting into spirituality. At first it was wonderful, and really inspired and encouraged a lot of positive personal growth for me. I started meditating and hearing voices. However, there have been a few times that became disturbing, and a couple were downright terrifying.

I only just recently opened up to my counselor about those moments. She was naturally concerned, and reached out to my my medication specialist to let her know. The meds specialist then gave me a prescription for Abilify, and kind of rushed through the appointment without really listening to me. Hallucinations or not, to me those moments were very real, and to have them so quickly dismissed has hurt me deeply.

I see how my behaviour could be concerning for others. I agree that I do experience hypomania. I'm not living an impulsive or reckless lifestyle, but I do go through cycles of being high-strung, irritable, and depressed, only to bounce back to being pleasant and happy-go-lucky again. Yet it hurts to know that my attempts to better my life and connect with a higher source was noted as a red flag, like they were just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like all of my credibility and respectability has been taken from me overnight. It feels like whenever I become excited about something that it's going to be questioned as a suspicious and monitored as a symptom, instead of allowing me to enjoy my life like an adult. I already feel like my partner looks down on me. He uses my earlier mental illness diagnosis as a means to infantalise and patronise me, even if he doesn't think he is.

We both have relatives with bipolar disorder, and I don't see myself being like them. I've seen what mania looks like, and where it leads to. It scares and dismays me to be put into the same category as them. I could handle the ADHD and depression diagnoses, but BP is more than I'm willing to admit. Quite frankly, I'm ashamed of it. Just like I'm embarrassed for sharing my spiritual experiences and research with those around me, and how silly I must have looked.

I've decided it would be best if I avoid anything involved in spirituality, to play it safe. However, now there's a great absence in my life, with nothing worthwhile to put my time and energy into. There's a deep emptiness and loneliness in my heart with nothing to replace it. My inner compass now has no direction, I don't know what to do with myself anymore, both daily and throughout my life. I feel unremarkable, unsupported, and out of reach of G-d's love.

Thank you for reading through my vent. I hope you're having a good week.

- Jackalope

Well hello, and thank you firstly for reaching out.

To be honest, I believe the majority in the bipolar community or perhaps even the entire mental health community, understands or relates on some level. Also, I won't lie and pretend there is a simple answer here, or that anyone can give you one in the first place.

Now that I've said that, here's my personal subjective view. Spirituality saved me from my existential struggles, but I learnt the hard way that there is a line that I can never cross unless I want to get hospitalised. I tried desperately to balance my spiritual beliefs with reason and this diagnosis I received... it went horribly...for some time. Naturally, l gave up.

Guess what happened. Didn't work out. Depression kicked in faster than ever, and I'm talking about the paralysing, scary, losing-self one. Anyway, this happened next:

1. I just stopped surrounding myself with judgemental people who kept putting me down because of spirituality (frankly, I had no energy left).

2. I embraced the fact that I can be both mentally ill and practice spirituality, but starting slow...(no staying up reading on religions or painting visions instead of eating).

3. I switched psychiatrists and was lucky to find a liberal open-minded one, who helped me sort out which beliefs were harmful and which weren't.

4. Again, lucky for me, I found the right medication that kept me stable and offered me a chance to control triggers better.

So, in my experience, yoga and meditation (sometimes hours long) are not harmful but crucial. Yet, anything that occupies me enough to disrupt or just rapidly change my life can be potentially harmful. Welcome to 'the spectre life' of bipolar.

I'm not sure which diagnosis you consider to be correct for you, I can speak as someone with bipolar disorder, and my life is really all about balance. Meaning it goes both ways. I cannot do without spirituality, but I have to be careful not to "bite off more than I can chew."

I hope this helps and if you feel like chatting or anything really, please message me.

I believe truly that you have the capacity to sort this through and that you will be alright.

<3

[tlarajarl]

One thing I have hard time with is -

When I talk about things I've done during hypomania and the person I'm talking with doesn't find it as "problems" - as they compare it with what other people have done during mania and psychosis.

It's not fair. The struggles between bipolar type 2 and type 1 it's not the same but still matters as much.

It makes me feel like my struggle isn't real or important. Which can also make me feel lonley.

Please, never compare people struggles to each other.

[anniedayne]

Week 8: AUGMENTED REALITY FILTERS

Most women want to appear beautiful in front of everyone, but if they can't be beautiful in real life, they can still live virtually online. With today's advanced technology, turning a woman into a completely different woman is an extremely simple task. Known as the first online beauty tools, Snapchat and Instagram have successfully created filters and now play a crucial role of popular culture that girls have come to rely on. According to a report, 76% of Snapchat users use AR filters daily, and 600 million people use them on Facebook or Instagram monthly (Bhatt, 2020).

These filters provide the function of changing one or more features of a person's body and face when they take a photo, it can make skin brighter, the face smaller, the eyes bigger, etc. In addition, some filters can also incorporate stickers or effects, such as dog face or flower wreath filters (once very popular among young people). Increasingly, filters are becoming more diverse and upgraded to make them look more natural and real. Therefore, this situation is increasingly increasing as young people become too virtual and always have to depend on filters, losing their true selves. Social networks have become so virtual that people easily get lost and don't know where to put their trust.

There is a girl shared "I remember the day the ‘beauty’ filter came out on Snapchat – the one that ever-so-slightly retouches skin, narrows noses, and gives doe eyes. The filter just barely changed my appearance, but changed it enough for me to notice that I looked ‘better’." She used the program differently after, like others, growing acclimated to the filtered snapshot of herself: "Gone were the days of using Snapchat to send ugly selfies." (Peres Martins 2017: 20). Therefore, it can be seen that next to the "beautiful side" that AR filter brings to users is still an "ugly side". Users' self-perception and, consequently, mental health can be affected by virtually altering their look (Javornik et al., 2021; Lee & Lee, 2021). "Selfie Hypomania" is a similar disorder where people feel physically disfigured when they take selfies that enhance their appearance and struggle with low self-esteem. (Maymone, Vashi, & Rajanala, 2018). AR filters may make this worse because they alter virtual objects in real time and with more realism. It is known to drive some individuals into cosmetic surgery in extreme circumstances (Hunt, 2019). However, social media may also have a good impact on mental health when used to express personal traits that are concealed or to help people figure out who they are (Choi & Sung, 2018; Yau, Marder, & O'Donohoe, 2020). As a result, there are several ways in which AR face filters may impact mental health.

References

Javornick, A., Marder, B., & Brahorst, J,B. (2022, March). Computers in Human Behavior. “What Lies behind the Filter?” Uncovering the Motivations for Using Augmented Reality (AR) Face Filters on Social Media and Their Effect on Well-Being. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563221004490#preview-section-references

Javornik, A. (2021, November). Journal of Business Research. ScienceDirect. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0148296321005312?via%3Dihub. Volume 136, page 284 - 292.

S. Bhatt. (2020). The big picture in the entire AR-filter craze

[anxious-acushla]

Having one of those days where I’m like:

“WOW, I’m in a foul fucking mood.”

So that’s a cool thing that’s happening.

[bethanthrax]

I've been working since 8am; I've already attended a meeting and met a client at their home. I've just eaten my lunch (avocado and cous cous salad fyi) in my car. I have 5 (five) clients to visit this afternoon, and an equal amount of subsequent reports to write.

All I can think about is getting to write my Danse x Beth fic later.

1937291091 ideas? In MY brain?

It's more likely than you think.

Guarantee, when I get home, I'll stare at a blank word document for forty minutes with zero inspiration/motivation *rolls eyes*

[lantur]

I've had a couple of wonderful evenings lately.

I got to play pickleball with @broomchickabroom and @northshoretragedyeagle (and Derek!) last night, and then we sat together and ate fresh-baked peach cobbler and banana bread. It was a perfect evening with great people. I went to bed feeling so much better than I had all week.

I got to see my beloved nieces tonight and I got SO much time with my favorite little niece, playing sticker book together and reading to her.

These are the bright spots I'm holding onto and that give me hope for the future. I had something else happen earlier this week and earlier today that was more difficult.

I had a good mental health day for once on Wednesday, probably because I talked to two friends that day. My mom emailed me later that night and truly threw me for a loop. For context - she has been heavily pressuring my husband and I to have a child ASAP ever since we got married in September 2020. We've been firm on the fact that we're not ready yet and are taking our time to be emotionally ready for this lifetime commitment of being parents.

The email she sent was... difficult. She resumed the pressure to have a kid ASAP, in light of my dad's diagnosis with aggressive stage four cancer. It went beyond her previous entreaties for us to have a kid ASAP.

"the greatest regret of your dad's life is that he won't be able to see a grandchild"

"just the thought that you are expecting a child will nourish his spirit and give him the hope to go on"

"you have nothing to lose and so much to gain by having a child sooner - a once in a lifetime chance to give your father a priceless gift as he approaches the end of his life."

"this might be the one and most significant gesture you make as his only child"

"sometimes in life, we set aside our plans and life routines and conveniences because life asks something special and something greater of us, and we respond and rise to the occasion."

I let my mom know that Derek and I have in fact been thinking about it since my dad's diagnosis, but we have a lot of concerns about pregnancy during such an emotionally fraught time. Namely, our main concern is the very real possibility that my dad might pass away while I am pregnant, before the baby is born, and what it will do to me to be grieving the loss of my dad WHILE undergoing the tremendous emotional, physical, and mental challenge of pregnancy. (While also having type 2 bipolar disorder and alternating between episodes of depression and hypomania.)

My mom flipped out. She said "the time is now" to have a kid, and attacked Derek and I for not caring about my dad's wants. She said that I don't care about my dad, only Derek - who would be the father of my child, the person who raises this child with me, forever. She said that a dying man's wishes don't factor into our decision at all. She said that "for ONCE, just once," in my life, that I think about my father, "because he doesn't have the luxury of time while you figure out if this choice is right to you. The big question for you is, does he matter enough to want to do this for him? The answer is obvious that he does not. He lives on borrowed time, but you are unwilling to step outside your own time frame."

My mom has had massive outbursts of temper periodically for the past 10+ years. She's said a lot, a lot, a LOT, of very hurtful things to me since my teens and throughout my twenties. Things that I've been dealing with in therapy for almost 3 years. I've dealt with it. But this was too much. I became very distraught after this entire interaction on Wednesday night. The emotional manipulation and accusation that I don't care about my dad was too much, especially as I've already been struggling tremendously this summer since my dad was diagnosed.

I spoke to friends about this situation yesterday and spent time with friends. I didn't speak to my mother, though I called my dad twice a day to talk to him, as usual. She sent me a text this morning accusing me of "putting her in the doghouse."

I had a phone call with her and told her how inappropriate, offensive, and hurtful Wednesday night was, and how it is just a long (decade+ long) pattern of behavior - of "normal behavior" and getting along for a few weeks or a couple of months, only to culminate in an explosive display of temper. I told her the truth about how her temper has affected me and told her that I cannot continue to deal with this. I told her the same thing 6.5 years ago, after I moved out - that the outbursts of anger would alienate me, and to please try to moderate that, and she said she wasn't willing to change that behavior, and she would express herself in the way she pleased.

The truth is, my mom terrifies me because of her anger, because of these unpredictable displays of anger, and that's why I've tried to distance myself from her over the past 6.5 years. She's seen me try to distance myself, and she's been so angry about that. Every time I've tried to reconcile with her and give her more chances, she blindsides me again with another incident.

Long story short (lmao, this was not a "long story short," it's been a long story) she doubled down and refused to apologize, or to make any changes to her behavior. We are now estranged. I will stay in touch with my dad and will not be in touch with her.

It's difficult, it's painful, but nobody in my life has ever hurt me more than my mom has. Repeatedly, over and over again, since I was in my teens. I'm not in a point in my life where I can tolerate emotional abuse any longer. I'm already going through enough pain with the prospect of losing my dad.

I couldn't see my therapist yesterday or today because she's on vacation for Labor Day. I'm not going to lie, it's been hard, but I've made a lot of difficult decisions and life changes since my dad was diagnosed. I'm looking forward to therapy on Tuesday.

[finagled]

absent but busy

life never seems to slow down to let me catch my breath, so ive been busy trying to keep things going!

this has been a hellish year but also a spectacular one in so many ways. my dad’s death has shattered me tbh, im just not the same person i was before he left and life will never ever be the same with him gone. as somebody who already struggles with identity issues, i had a real hard time knowing how in the world i was supposed to keep going without his input and support. he always saw right through me and could point out things about me i wasnt even aware of yet, but he was always spot on, too. bouncing my ideas off of him is how i learned to human. im coming to realize i loved to succeed and experience so i could tell him and listen to how he loved to hear about it. with him gone, ive felt a sense of emptiness with everything.

im trying to hold on to what he’s taught me. he gave me so many lessons on how to be a person, a good person. he played devils advocate so id learn how to fight for what i knew to be true, and to reevaluate my stance if i couldn’t. he taught me how to treat other people, how every stranger deserves kindness. he taught me that you can be wrong, and that sometimes being wrong is a beautiful thing, because then you learn what’s right. he taught me nothing is worth sacrificing your morals.

the answer to where to find this person now is that now, i have to be this person. the only way for those things about him to live on is if i perpetuate them in my own life. im trying so hard to do this. its not going easy. im told over and over again that im smart, that i work hard, that im good with people, and yet my success has not materialized no matter what i’ve done to secure it. i think, if i just had mental health care and meds, if i could just see a doctor, then id be so great. but i can’t think like that. whether that’s true or not and that’s the only thing in the way between me and living like i feel like im meant to, it doesn’t matter. trying to get government assistance, at least in this state, feels impossible. i dont have the energy to keep hoping they’re going to help. im frustrated to come to the conclusion that i am going to have to metaphorically “pick myself up by the bootstraps” and find a way to push forward in the meantime.

i know im intelligent and have skills that can genuinely and directly help people, because ive done it before. its taken a really long time to have confidence in myself about anything. but i need to start, and then do something with it, because im wasting time waiting for help to arrive.

this is a big ol ramble but it feels good to have the energy to write stuff up. vari and i have been working real hard this past year trying to get the house and our lives set up in a way that will set us both up for success. we’re slowly getting a handle on chores and bills, and our mental health is improving. im slowly pulling all the tangled yarn apart in my brain and getting things sorted.

they took me off adderall and onto strattera, which i actually dont mind. ive heard the medication can precipitate manic episodes in bipolar individuals though, so i wonder if i like it because of that. im depressed so often and its been so long since hypomania, that i really done mind when i wake up with the excess energy and vigor. it doesnt feel extreme like hypomania, more like just having gusto for the day. ill have to keep an eye on it more since its only been about three weeks, but im grateful i havent lost much progress from getting off adderall. the side effects aren’t nearly as powerful either, which is nice.

so im trying. i have too many people i should be getting back to with messages so if youre one of them, im sorry. theres a million things going on and only so much energy each day, but ive drawn up some routines that i hope will encourage me to do more stuff throughout the day other than just chores and sims ;)

thanks to anyone for reading :3

[heymacy]

where do you find the time and energy to not only start and complete TD but then immediately afterwards have another different au multi chapter ready to go with supplemental material? I write 5k a week and I'm exhausted doing just that and need another week to recover.

okay it’s time for Let’s Get Real with Macy 💛 aka the brutal honesty hour nobody asked for 😭

[cw: hypomania/bipolar depression]

while writing TD, i was very hypomanic. even though i didn’t receive my official bipolar diagnosis until last month, i’ve been dealing with it for my entire adult life. prior to my diagnosis, i was incorrectly diagnosed with ADHD (which has since been “reversed” so to speak) and was put on a stimulant to help with my executive dysfunction/inattentiveness (i was also still in school at this point which was the main reason for the meds). well, unbeknownst to me at the time, adderall can trigger manic + hypomanic episodes. who’d’a thunk it? so for the majority of TD, i was unreasonably productive and put out long ass chapters every two weeks because all i did was work + write while sleeping maybe 3 hours a night (i dropped out of school right before i started TD but that’s a whole other story). i got off the meds in July and lost all my motivation, which is why it took so long for chapters 8 & 9 to come out. i had to re-learn how to get myself to do shit, and to be honest, i’m still struggling with that. motivation doesn’t come easily to me and never has, but i’m also not currently medicated (i will be soon, hopefully) and in a bit of a uhhhhhhh Sad Place for the time being. i can only motivate myself to do shit i already want to do, which is hard when you can’t always choose what that is.

now mental health shit aside, i started working on TLO in march. which mean it’s been in development for almost six months. which is a LONG time for me to gather photos, make playlists, make edits, watch movies, compile lists, etc. films + television have been my main source of happiness, entertainment, & joy for the bulk of my life, so engaging with media is something i always enjoy. for a long time i tried to write stories about shit i didn’t actually care that much about, but when i started writing stories about the shit i love (music with TD, film with TLO) and finding a way to make it work for the characters, writing didn’t feel so much like work anymore. instead it felt like an escape. escapism is my primary coping mechanism (don’t worry my therapist approves lmao) and when i write, it feels like i’m escaping into another world. and i ONLY feel like that when i write about shit i care about. so that’s my best advice. write about shit you know and love, or write the shit YOU’D want to read or watch. that’s my biggest thing - if i wouldn’t wanna read it, i don’t wanna write it.

i think the most important thing to remember is that everyone has different abilities, circumstances, and motivations. i’m a hypocrite for saying this but please try not to compare yourself to anyone else when it comes to writing. i’m currently unemployed (my new jobs starts at the end of the month) and i literally don’t do anything because i’m terrified of covid and never leave my house (yes i’m vaccinated but i’m also immunocompromised + have a history of respiratory problems so i avoid the outside world like the plague, pun intended). so i probably have a lot more free time right now than most people. i don’t have many other hobbies, very few in-person friends because i moved to a new city right before the pandemic, and my wife works nights, so i write while they sleep. my life is very conducive to a productive writing schedule right now, but that hasn’t always been (nor will it always be) the case.

i wish i had better advice, or a better explanation, but i’m honestly just as confused about all of this as anyone else 🥺 but i’m always here to talk, or offer what little advice i do have, or be there to bounce ideas off of. writing is fucking hard and exhausting and beyond draining, but i think the payoff has always been worth it, and that’s what keeps me going 💛

[seven-oomen]

Christopher Smith : A dual sword of upbringing and mental illness

I've honestly been thinking about this character quite a bit. Rewatched the Peacemaker show a few times to get a good feel of his character.

I've also gone through his comic book character wikis.

One thing all of them have in common is that Chris's weakness is mental illness.

And today I'm going to break down my analysis of his mental illness.

Now in the wiki Chris's mental illness is described as Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia.

I haven't read the comics so for the comics, this may be true.

For the tv show however, I have to disagree.

See, Bipolar disorder is described as the following:

People who live with bipolar disorder experience periods of great excitement, overactivity, delusions, and euphoria (known as mania) and other periods of feeling sad and hopeless (known as depression). As such, the use of the word bipolar reflects this fluctuation between extreme highs and extreme lows.

To be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a person must have experienced at least one episode of mania or hypomania.

To be considered mania, the elevated, expansive, or irritable mood must last for at least one week and be present most of the day, nearly every day. To be considered hypomania, the mood must last at least four consecutive days and be present most of the day, almost every day.

Now we don't get to see Chris during weeks of his life, only short periods of several days. But during this time, his mood seems to fluctuate from regular quiet moods to hyperactive, feeling like he has to prove something, to outward crying on his bed. None of his highs seem to last more than several hours at the most.

So based on what we actually see, I find bipolar disorder unlikely for Chris.

There is a similar mood disorder, however, that is more likely and it's often confused for both Bipolar and CPTSD.

It's borderline personality disorder (BPD).

BPD is a pervasive pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and emotion, as well as marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

Chronic feelings of emptiness

Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

Identity disturbance with markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

Pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as "splitting")

Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.1

Based on the list, Chris hits 5 of the criteria. Which would be enough for a BPD diagnosis.

But hold on Ben, I can hear you thinking.

Couldn't this be CPTSD? A lot of these symptoms are also caused by CPTSD.

And yes, you're right. They could be.

The key difference between BPD and C-PTSD is that symptoms of BPD stem from an inconsistent self-concept and C-PTSD symptoms are provoked by external triggers.

A person with C-PTSD may react to or avoid potential triggers with behaviors similar to those that are symptomatic of BPD. But even if their self-representation is extremely negative, it will be consistent. This differs from the inconsistent self-representation that characterizes BPD.

Chris throughout the show clearly struggles with his identity. So much so that he holds onto the one identity that he knows, Peacemaker, with an iron fist and tries to convince people that he's a good guy. But deep down, as the show progresses and we get to see Chris as an individual it becomes very clear, very quickly, that Chris has no idea who he really is outside of his father's influence.

And all of his anger, lashing out, crying episodes, they all happen after someone breaks down a part of his Peacemaker character, or question his beliefs.

His trigger comes from inside himself, not necessarily by an external factor like a sound or an image. It's his own sense of self (or lack thereoff) that triggers these reactions in him.

Now that's not to say he couldn't ALSO have CPTSD, it's possible, and as always, we're looking at moments of a characters life instead of the entire picture.

But that's my two cents on it now that I'm looking into this and breaking it down.

Chris's bio also shows him as having Schizophrenia.

I'm guessing this is purely because of his hallucinations. But as a wise man once said;

A hallucination does not schizophrenia make.

Hallucinations alone are not Schizophrenia. Hallucinations alone is not Psychosis either.

Now this could be because of events in his comics, and that's fair. However it's also on his wiki for the show. But in the show itself we only see Auggie as a visual and auditory hallucination. Chris doesn't seem to engage with Auggie in any way or is at least aware that he's not really there.

He hasn't crossed into delusion yet.

For a schizophrenia diagnosis Chris would have to meet two of the five symptoms on the list AND at least one of them has to be:

Delusions, hallucinations, disorganized speech.

1) delusions, 2) hallucinations, 3) disorganized speech, 4) disorganized or catatonic behavior, and 5) negative symptoms.

As of the shows finale, Chris only has hallucinations, but no delusions or other symptoms of Schizophrennia. Now that may change as the show progresses, but it's important to note that the TV version of Christopher Smith, is not there yet.

His hallucinations are trauma based, which is in fact, extraordinarily common among people with trauma based disorders. (BPD, PTSD, CPTSD.) About 52% of all individuals with Trauma will experience some form of hallucinations throughout their life.

One thing is very clear, Chris's mental illness stems from his upbringing.

Chris Smith was born in 1981 in Evergreen, Washington to Auggie Smith, the cruel white supremacist supervillain "The White Dragon" and leader of the Aryan Empire. Auggie trained Chris and his older brother Keith to be perfect killers practically from birth, training them every chance he could. Chris and Keith grew very close in their relaxation time, causing Chris to develop a love for rock 'n roll. One day, however, Auggie made his sons fight for the Aryans' entertainment, and Chris punched Keith in the head, causing him to have a fatal seizure. Auggie then lost all approval and respect for Chris, which, combined with his twisted ideals and constant training, caused him to grow up patriotic, gullible, and oversensitive.

Chris became obsessed with the idea of peace, and eventually donned a red, white, and blue costume and a chrome helmet, both adorned with a dove, and became the arrogant, violent vigilante known as "Peacemaker".

His upbringing was traumatic, stripped him of every sense of self that he had, and made him see himself as someone who will never be enough. Making him doubt himself at every turn. (Though he tried to hide that for a very long time by overcompensating and being a douchebag.)

But it is clear in every interaction that Chris has had throughout the show, that everything he is, everything he struggles with, stems from a traumatic childhood.

That does NOT excuse ANY of his behavior. He needs to learn and he needs to grow. And I for one, am looking forward to what Season 2 will bring us.

Sources:

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-do-differences-between-bpd-cptsd-affect-diagnosis-0802184#:~:text=The%20key%20difference%20between%20BPD,that%20are%20symptomatic%20of%20BPD.

https://www.verywellmind.com/bipolar-and-borderline-personality-disorder-425418#:~:text=People%20with%20bipolar%20disorder%20tend,few%20hours%20at%20a%20time.

https://www.verywellmind.com/borderline-personality-disorder-diagnosis-425174

https://dc.fandom.com/wiki/Christopher_Smith_(DC_Extended_Universe)#cite_note-TSS-5

https://www.verywellmind.com/relationship-between-ptsd-and-psychotic-symptoms-2797525

[harrypotterhogwartshitpost]

Why Charlie Weasley may or may not have a bipolar disorder in Hogwarts Mystery

(Warning, this post contains spoilers to events in year six, along with side quests that have been pulled and may (or may not) be re-released.)

(Warning this post contains descriptions of major depression along with other mental disorders.)  

I would like to start off by saying that I am not a licensed or qualified professional. I am an 18 year old college student who took one semester of online psychology. All the information I will be presenting today comes directly from my intro to psychology textbook. So please take what I say with a grain of salt. 

Now let's dive in. For starters, there are two major bipolar disorders. Bipolar I and bipolar II. Both are DSM-5 disorders. Bipolar I disorder is characterized by extreme mania, with manic episodes lasting at least one week. Depressive episodes are common for people with bipolar I disorder, they are not necessary for an DSM-5 diagnosis. Bipolar II disorder is characterized by lesser episodes of hypomania and major depressive episodes. The main difference is bipolar I disorder is defined by extreme mania, while bipolar II disorder is defined by major depression. 

Manic and Hypomanic behaviors- 

Abnormally upbeat, jumpy, or weird.

Increased activity, energy, or agitation.

Exaggerated sense of well-being or self confidence (euphoria.) 

Decreased need for sleep. 

Unusual talkativeness. 

Racing thoughts. 

Distractibility. 

Poor decision making. 

Hypersexuality.

Substance abuse. 

Major Depressive behaviors- 

Depressed mood. 

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities. 

Significant weight loss or gain. 

Insomnia or hypersomnia. 

Restlessness or slowed behavior

Fatigue or slowed behavior. 

Feelings of worthlessness or excessive (inappropriate) guilt.

Indecisiveness/inability to think. 

Thinking about or planning suicide. 

Keep in mind that since Charlie is a fictional character we can’t really get a good idea of what’s actually going on inside his head, and all we have to go off of is dialog and actions shown directly in Hogwarts Mystery. 

People don’t tend to begin showing bipolar symptoms until their teens or twenties, which makes sense as to why the first real manic episode we see from Charlie occurs at the beginning of year five. If you are a long time player of Hogwarts Mystery you may remember the side quest ‘Egg Hunt’ that triggered in year five chapter two before Jam City pulled it for ‘maintenance.’ During this side quest Charlie asks the player to assist him in illegally buying a ‘dragon egg’ from a man in Knockturn Alley. This side quest also involved stealing treasurers from the Red Caps hole to sell in order to raise the money for the egg. While the dragon egg purchased did end up being an acromantula egg, at the time this side quest was very out of character for Charlie as he had never done or attempted to do anything illegal to our knowledge before then. Since Hogwarts Mystery doesn’t give a clear timeline of how long an event or activity takes, we are uncertain the span of time in which ‘Egg Hunt’ took place. However between making plans, stealing from the Red Caps, selling the stolen goods, working a minimum wage job to raise the rest of the funds, buying the egg, waiting for it to hatch, and taking it back to the forest to join the other acromantulas, it’s safe to assume that side quest would take at least a week in real time. 

Another possible example of a manic episode is the Adventures in Curse Breaking TLSQ in year six. After Bill mentions one of his missions at Gringotts is taking him to the dragon sanctuary in Romania, Charlie can’t get it out of his head that he’s also going. He even goes as far as showing up to Bill’s job and demanding he take him along. After an arrangement is made to take Charlie, along with the player and a few of their friends, Charlie sneaks out at night to find the golden egg Bill’s looking for on his own. Charlie’s ‘adventure’ takes him to a hungarian horntail cave where he breaks one of his legs and gets trapped there until we find him the next day. While Charlie does manage to find the golden egg, Bill is not shy to remind Charlie how dangerous and irresponsible his little excursion was. 

At the beginning of year six in the main story, Charlie admits to the player that he’s planning on dropping out of Hogwarts to move to Romania because he cannot cope with the events of the previous year. It’s completely understandable he feel this way based of how year five ended, and he’s in fact not the only character struggling to cope with what happened. He is left irritable and irrational for the first half of the year; being quick to snap on people (such as yelling at Bill for teaching their friends Langlock because Ben attacked him with it,) and easy to upset. However over the course of the year his mood does improve. 

Charlie’s also known to be rather reckless in his day to day life. His favorite hobby is flying into the forbidden forest alone to search for dragons. He also mentions spending time at the black lake feeding the giant squid cereal. One could also consider flying an illegal and untested flying car his father modded from Ottery St. Catchpole to the highlands of Scotland rather manic. For the most part Charlie is oddly energetic and happy. While that’s necessarily a bad thing, it always struck me as odd how, up until year six, almost nothing seemed to bother him. We also see, during both main dialog and side dialog, that Charlie loves to talk (almost as much as he loves to eat.) Charlie also has an obvious hyperfixation on dragons. Not a day goes by where he doesn’t talk about them, read about them, or search for them. He even mentions preferring dragons to people. While Hyperfixation isn’t associated specifically with bipolar disorders, it is a common sign of neurodivergency. 

Due to lack of major depressive episodes I believe it’s most likely Charlie fits into bipolar I disorder. However there are four main questions to ask when considering someone for disordered emotions, thoughts and/or behaviors. 

Does it deviate from cultural norms for what is acceptable?

Is it maladaptive? (preventing someone from properly adapting to situations in a way that suits their best interest.) 

Does it cause the individual personal distress or threaten other people? 

Does it cause discomfort and concern to others? 

While I’m not caught up on wizarding culture during the 1980s, I believe it’s safe to assume a handful of Charlie’s behaviors are not typically considered acceptable. His behaviors are also quite clearly maladaptive as they constantly involve putting himself at unnecessary risk. While he’s not always putting others in danger, Charlie does often show remorse and distress after coming down from a manic episode. While the characters in Hogwarts Mystery may not react strongly to Charlie’s actions, I personally as a player am a bit concerned for him. 

I’m not here to say for sure that Charlie’s bipolar or struggles with bipolar I disorder. What I am here to say is it’s definitely something to consider as a player, and it’s not completely out of reach for one to think he might.