#and also i thought about a hypothetical future scenario too hard and pissed myself off thinking about it so. rip.

[devilsskettle]

okay i do think i need to start getting serious about getting tested for adhd soon <- been an active conversation since i was 8 years old + my mom only got diagnosed with adhd after i told her i thought i might have adhd in high school so she started looking into it more in an adult context but she was talking to my teachers and doctors about it since elementary school and nobody ever fucking helped me and based on her experience with the diagnosis process i don’t fucking trust any of these fucking doctors it seems like they actively want you to struggle as much as possible to even humor the tiny tiny tiny possibility that your suspicions of adhd symptoms could maybe have some basis and i honestly can’t think about having a doctors appointment without imagining chewing out some poor random doctor for everything about this process that i’m mad about that i will definitely project onto them which may or may not be fair but will not be helpful for me to do lol but it took me almost 10 years to finally go to a doctor and be like hey i think i am severely depressed and have been for a long time and i literally never went back to my pcp because of how dismissive she was of my experience when i asked her about adjusting my medication and that’s one of the “easy” mental illnesses to have hahaha and now i’m scared they’re going to use my depression as leverage that since poor concentration is a depressive symptom that might rule out adhd and like there is some possible overlap with symptoms but for a while i’ve been like well i think there is more at play here actually, i feel like i’m having some other problems that aren’t really depressive symptoms and i’ve even had suspicions that i could be bipolar because i have some stretches of time when i have more energy and can be a lot more. well. hyperactive. hmmmm. and i’m always like could this be mania? i don’t think it’s severe enough to be mania tbh but could it be hypomania? or is this normal? tbh it doesn’t seem normal either but have i been depressed so long that i don’t know what normal is? but if that IS part of my baseline and i am hyperactive sometimes because i have a disorder with “hyperactivity” in the name then that would actually make a lot more sense not to mention problems with executive function, bad grades, obsessive focus on whatever thing i’m into at any given moment, time management problems, racing thoughts, chronic boredom and understimulation. and look i know it’s trendy rn and i know that they could easily see me as a drug seeker especially because if i were to be diagnosed i would want to be medicated (i wish i was still medicated for my depression tbh but again i dropped my pcp 2 years ago and never looked back so i ran out of antidepressants ages ago. rip) but i think its unfair to use that against people who just want to be able to be on the same level of adult functioning as everybody else because i cannot keep up with basic household tasks and work full time and be in school part time (i’m not even in classes rn because it’s the summer and there’s no way i could be in this program if it weren’t offered online and even then i absolutely did fail a class last semester and i’m still waiting to see what the consequences of that are gonna be. hehehe.) but like the state of my room is appalling, mainly exacerbated by my laundry situation in that i never fully put it away AND i think there’s something wrong with our dryer, i always just get random “groceries” like quick meals and snacks from fucking cvs because it’s too expensive to get real groceries delivered especially since when am i going to actually cook???? our kitchen isn’t huge anyway but i definitely don’t have the kind of energy i need to cook AND do the dishes which i am so bad at doing that i have stopped using dishes, i will use a paper towel or i will buy stuff that is already in a container so i don’t have to dirty any more dishes. which is why i have no dishes in our sink rn or for the past couple of months JUST FOR THE RECORD but its not because i’m a paragon of cleanliness and maturity lol

obligatory paragraph change because of the character limit!! i have had to be given multiple “verbal warnings” at work for frequent enough tardiness that it was noticeable and on one hand it’s like lol a verbal warning. okay i am shaking in my boots but it’s also just another mark against me in the opinions of the people making decisions about who might get promoted or not and i don’t have a great “escape plan” from this current job especially since i don’t know where my future will lie academically with my current grades and that was like. my whole plan to have a better career trajectory lmao so another option could be 1) apply to be a supervisor in my current department if a position ever opens up? <- won’t happen because they think i’m “timid and shy” and consistently late and don’t like me or think of me in any position of authority even though i know everything there is to know about my current department other than like. ordering stuff for the store and how to close the cash drawer at the end of the day which supervisors and managers do. 2) apply for a job in a different department <- also won’t happen because a lot of positions require a drivers license for no apparent reason and they’re super weird sometimes about hiring internally and as we established they don’t like me or see me in any other role despite consistently, i believe, demonstrating my competence. we have performance reviews coming up this month and i am basically ready to jump off a bridge anticipating bad feedback for stupid reasons. but my manager said good things last time so maybe i can start saving some evidence of good feedback to whip out if i ever do apply for anything internally. even making the switch from part time to full time in the same role same department same everything was like a truly painful and humiliating experience i am not prepared to do all that again hahaha. anyway. ummmm all that is to say that i do think there are some behavioral problems i have that could be symptoms of adhd that are negatively impacting my life in a significant way. but w/e idk what doctor will ever listen to me because i’m so “timid and shy” <- said this twice in quotes because that’s a real thing the guy from hr said to me when i first applied to switch to full time and i did give him pushback on that in the interview but like that’s how people see me because i have a naturally soft speaking voice and i don’t say everything that i think all the time and don’t need to be the center of attention constantly or beg for other people’s approval and i mind my own business!! i’m in guest services i’m literally not too timid to talk to people lmao and the coworkers i like i can be very chatty with. he said this after meeting me twice for 5 minutes in a role i wasn’t usually scheduled in at the time and all of my performance feedback was based off of that. sigh. one of my coworkers who is this sweet older lady calls him “the rat” and literally hates everyone in hr so much hahaha it’s honestly so validating to me. anyway they don’t diagnose quiet girls with adhd but luckily i’m not successful like my mom was so i have a lot more “evidence” that this could be a real problem than she did and she was still definitively and emphatically diagnosed with adhd by a specialist who did NOT want to diagnose her with adhd and told her as much. so maybe they’ll see it as something real that they should really consider and give me a real solution for but i don’t trust that they will at all tbqh the process that my mom went through seems like my personal hell of paperwork and doctors appointments and talking about your feelings and your failures and having a series of people dismiss you and actively work against you to get anything productive done. AAAAAA but i do feel like i need to do it if i want to stop wasting my life and try to get on the right track again and if they really really really tell me i’m wrong and that i don’t have adhd then i will listen as long as they give me some next steps to help me figure out what the actual problem is then. tbh though like i said

another obligatory paragraph break!! i’ve considered other possibilities and part of the diagnosis process is ruling out any other possible underlying causes but before typing the word “hyperactive” about how i sometimes get a burst of energy for a couple days like that, i did not even make a connection between when i wondered if i could be manic/hypomanic vs whether that could be adhd hyperactivity unhampered by depressive gloom. like i kind of want to pull my hair out in frustration feeling kind of dumb that i considered mania before i considered the hyperactivity disorder hahahaha but anyway. i will send some emails tomorrow morning, my mom (unprompted by me) sent me an email with a bunch of resources to get tested lmao and since she has already gone through it i feel like i can at least see what happens and my process will probably be a lot easier than hers for a LOT of reasons (childhood history + testimony from people who have known me from my childhood to now, family history obviously, demonstrable evidence of adverse effects on my life and general adult functioning) so i should at least try before i really fucking lose my mind or fuck up my life any more than i already have lol

[albatris]

is there romance in atdao or is it all just found famiy vibes? if there is romance im real curious about how peeps would express those kinda feelings

hello hi hello this took me AGES I’m very sorry I kept getting distracted by things such as being asleep

anyway yes thank you for the question! romance? yes, we’ve got some of this going on, sure, though I would count the romance as within the found family c:

I don’t know if you wanted a Ramble™ but this is a topic I can ramble about and I’m in a bit of a rambling mood so you can have a ramble, free of charge, just take it up to the register and have them enter the code “logan this is not what I ordered”

but yeah, your question? about eight vaguely relevant tangents immediately spring to mind! also spoilers?? spoilers after the cut

I really should have formatted this response in a way that puts the super spoiler heavy part at the end but since when have I ever ever in my life made things easy for my dear sweet followers

y’all know what I’m like with spoilers by now 

but yeah, to set the scene, there’s two main romantic......................... situations going on in the story, the first being between Noa and Alice, and the second being between Kai, Tris and Shara. so, the former I would describe as “a legitimate romantic subplot” and the latter I would describe as a character tripping and falling into it by sheer chance and just being like “oh whoops well I guess this is what I’m doing now” which is also extremely valid

Noa and Alice end up not being, like, Confirmed Endgame by the end of the story even though much of the plot looks like it’s heading in that direction, and like...... yeah, in my head, they do end up in a romantic relationship at some point post-story, but I’m not sure on what sort of timeline

during the story itself, it’s established that they do share mutual feelings for each other and this is likely heading towards a romantic relationship, but I think since much of the story sees Noa still trying to find her feet in just, like....... having friends at all, and trusting those friends, and knowing who she is in relation to others on any sort of level, I think near the end of the story she decides that she’s not at a place where she wants to try and figure out a romantic relationship just yet

it’s not a hard no, it’s just a “hey not right now” and a “let’s see what happens later down the track, for now it’s just nice to be around friends” ‘cause even that is just super new territory for her

which I worry will make people feel cheated, but also, I think it’s the ending for this subplot that would make the most sense for where the characters are at and would be the most fitting c:

and secondly there’s like

hm. ok

well, there WAS a vaguely jokey post I made yonks back where I pitched the idea of an ATDAO polyamory ending being just like. Alice who’s dating Noa who’s dating Shara who’s dating Kai who’s dating Tris. and I stand by this being solid as hell. but also, given the ending to Noa’s subplot with Alice, it doesn’t really work in the story canon, n though I think Noa and Shara is a dynamic I really enjoy, it would likely not actually play out in reality :P

which leaves the trio of Shara, Kai and Tris, a trio I’ve always vibed with and had vaguely on my radar as a valid poly ending but for some reason didn’t twig that I could just, like, make it canon and no one can stop me LMAO

but yeah, this one, like I said, it’s not so much aHD whole big subplot, it’s just something that falls into place super casually and is never really brought up beyond “oh is this a thing that’s happening?” “yeah” “cool ok”

I think there’s a brief window as a reader where you might be like “ugh this is gonna be a stupid love triangle or some weird jealousy thing” but then it just ends up being a complete non-issue. there’s basically zero romantic drama for this plotline, Tris and Shara are bros and Kai is dating both of them

n as for your question itself, it depends on whether you mean, like.......... how they would go about expressing to someone else that they have romantic feelings or, like, how they express their affections in a romantic scenario

‘cause for the former, the answer for both Tris and Noa is just.... they don’t

Noa because at the start of the story she views her crush on Alice as a huge fucking inconvenience that’s going to make things messy and complicated, so she just tries to ignore her romantic feelings as hard as she can (obviously this doesn’t last hahaha). but yeah, she’s just very pissed off that she has a crush and doesn’t want to acknowledge it :P she also has no idea how to respond when Alice expresses romantic interest in her, this is all extremely new territory

and Tris because he doesn’t realise he’s even experiencing romantic feelings in the first place?? like. the boy has so much baseline anxiety jitteriness that stuff like, idk, feeling your heart pick up pace, butterflies in the stomach, any kinda social nerves you get around the people you like, etc, he experiences this with Kai and is automatically just like “great now you’re here and I’m having a panic attack can you please leave”

just slaps a label of Bad Vibes onto it then later is like Wait A Minute

but yeah, I think neither of them would be super comfy actually expressing their feelings out loud or making that first move, Noa because she’s super fuckin petty and stubborn and Tris because he’s waaaaaaaay too fuckin socially anxious for that shit are you kidding

in terms of how they express their affections though??

so like. I have to reiterate that I’m aro and ace and I have a lot of difficulty in articulating what makes a romance A Romance, like??? I have relationships that are friendships and relationships that are romantic, but I myself don’t really experience romantic attraction in the way other people do

as such, the way I write characters in their romantic expressions tends to be just an extension of how they act in their friendships? which I think is a pretty ok thing to base a romance off anyway, but like, yeah, romance, this is a mystery to me for the most part, do I look like I know what a romance is

anyway I think once Alice and Noa get a little closer there’s a lot of good-natured ribbing and friendly insults, n since they already had a bit of a rivalry going on beforehand I would imagine this competitive streak doesn’t disappear :P Noa is generally uncomfy with being Openly affectionate and soft with others, so I think there would be a lot of more “indirect” ways she shows this care. I think they have the kind of relationship where from an outside perspective you don’t really get how it’s warm and affectionate, but it’s just ‘cause you don’t know the lingo, right

Tris is just the cheerleader type in all friendly relationships I think, lots of encouragement and hype and compliments and enthusiasm, he’s very excitable and very easily impressed hahahaha. though I think it takes people a while to click that he’s legitimately being 100% earnest and genuine, the constant deadpan does not work super well in his favour

anyway I’m gonna hop back up for a sec so I can cover Shara and Kai real quick

these two are............ a bit more direct with actually verbalising their feelings to people? Shara is a socially anxious type, but also not someone who enjoys beating around the bush, n she generally likes to just speak what’s on her mind and be direct with others whenever she can. Kai just kinda........ I mean, I don’t think they consider romantic affections to be a super big deal? at least in theory? I say in theory ‘cause, like, I think they give the impression that this kind of conversation is just super smooth and easy for them, and on the inside they’re like “it’s really not a big deal it’s just feelings it’s whatever” but they’re still anxious about it and had to hype themself up for like a week before going through with it lmao

but ye, in terms of how they express their affections, they’re both fairly similar. you suddenly will just Not Be Able To Get Rid Of Them, they’ll constantly be hanging around in the same space or dragging you into whatever shenanigans they’ve got going on, I think for both of them their favourite expression of love is just sharing in experiences or sharing the same space, just Being Involved And Around 

a “hey come help me run errands” type or a “I’m gonna hang off the back of your sofa while you’re studying and sometimes slingshot balls of paper at you with a rubber band” type :P

and now I have to go on Another Tangent just ‘cause the subject matter is vaguely relevant and idk where else I’m gonna go on this tangent

there is definitely some part of me that’s still super super fond of the idea of Kai being aro??? and I initially did write them as such, but for the moment this is not something that’s remained canon in text ‘cause I’m a little bitch ‘cause like

Kai would be aro in very much the same way I am, which is to say, they’re a person who is extremely full of love and who has difficulty in differentiating what the step is supposed to be between friendship feelings and romantic feelings, so, someone who may not necessarily “get” what makes a romance a romance or experience any feelings different from a strong friendship, but who is still open to being in a romantic relationship

(the difference between us being that Kai Really Really Likes People and enjoys being close with others as much as possible, where I’m more the awkward standoffish hermit type lmao)

but yeah, I was kinda like. well. despite being a perfectly valid aro person in a romantic relationship myself, if I were a fictional character people would probably call me bad rep HAHAHA. like “yeah they’re apparently aro but they don’t really ACT aro and the author put them in a romantic relationship ://”

and while I think there’s value to be had in fiction in exploring the different ways a person can be aro, I just, like................... thought about the hypothetical future discourse and was just like UGH. I cannot be fucking BOTHERED

I get enough people in real life being like “ok but you’re not REALLY aro like why do you even bother having that label it’s not like it matters in your context” even though I’m the goddamn expert on my own experiences you bastards

lmao

but yeah I think aro Kai is canon in my heart hahahaha. and they may end up articulating some of the same feelings, maybe just not with the label applied, who knows

anyway that’s my rambles done I think! thanks for reading n have a nice night c: