#the fuck kind of name is milton

[iattachtooeasilytocartoons]

i loveeeee pickles the bite the juice mmmmm

[bandtrees]

they would get divorced in one universe just to find eachother in another one

alternatively titled: sometimes you're the level-headed token flesh-head impulse-control-and-polycule-member of a stubborn, eccentric, and hearty telephone-headed drug addict, and there's cruelty in the world you deem fit to suicidally fight, and that either goes about as well as you'd expect it to, or you learn about love and the value of your life and junk along the way

[pynkhues]

I would LOVE to read your analysis of louis as byronic hero as apposed to his reading as gothic heroine. lots of the latter and zero of the former in the fandom.

Sure! Mmm, okay, so –

What are we talking about when we talk about Gothic Heroes?  

When we talk about gothic heroes, we’re really talking about three pretty different character archetypes. All three are vital to the genre, but some are more popular in certain subgenres i.e. your Prometheus Hero may be more common in gothic horror, whereas your Byronic Hero might be more likely to be found in gothic romance. That’s not to say they’re exclusive to those subgenres at all, and there is an argument that these archetypes themselves are gendered (in many ways, I think people confuse Anne being an author of the female gothic with Louis being a gothic heroine, but I’ll get into that later), but this is also not necessarily something that’s exclusive.

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself, haha, so the three gothic hero archetypes are:

Milton’s Satan who is the classic gothic hero-villain. You can probably guess from the name, but he was originated in John Milton’s 1667 poem, Paradise Lost. He is God’s favourite angel, but God is forced to cast him out of heaven when he rebels against him. As an archetype, he’s a man pretty much defined by his pride, vanity and self-love, usually fucks his way through whatever book or poem he’s in, has a perverted, incestuous family, and a desire to corrupt other people. He’s also defined as being “too weak to choose what is moral and right, and instead chooses what is pleasurable only to him” and his greatest character flaw, in spite of all The Horrors, is that he’s usually easily misguided or led astray. (I would argue that Lestat fits into this archetype pretty neatly, but that’s a whole other post.)

Prometheus who was established as a gothic archetype by Mary Shelley with Frankenstein in 1818. Your Prometheus Hero is basically represented by the quest for knowledge and the overreach of that quest to bring on unintended consequences. He’s tied, of course, to the Prometheus of Greek myth, so you can get elements of that in this character design too in that he can be devious or a trickster, but the most important part of him is that he is split between his extreme intelligence and his sense of rebellion, and that his sense of rebellion and boundary pushing overtakes his intelligence and basically leads to All The Gothic Horrors.

And the Byronic Hero, who as the name implies, was both created by and inspired by the romantic poet, Lord Byron in his semi-autobiographical poem, Childe Harold’s Pilgrimage which was published between 1812-1818. The archetype is kind of an idealized version of himself, and as historian and critic Lord Macaulay wrote, the character is “a man proud, moody, cynical, with defiance on his brow and misery in his heart, a scorner of his kind, implacable in revenge, yet capable of deep and strong affection.” Adding to that, he’s often called ‘the gloomy egoist’ as a protagonist type, hates society, is often self-destructive and lives either exiled or in a self-exile, and is a stalwart of gothic literature, but especially gothic romance. Interestingly too, in his most iconic depictions he’s often a) darkly featured and/or not white (Heathcliff being the most obvious example of this given Emily Bronte clearly writes him as either Black or South Asian), and b) is often used to explore queer identity, with Byron himself having been bisexual.

Okay, but what about the Gothic Heroine?

Gothic heroines are less delineated and have had more of an evolution over time, which makes sense, given women have consistently been the main audience of gothic literature and have frequently been the most influential writers of the genre too. The gothic genre sort of ‘officially’ started with Horace Walpole’s 1764 novel, The Castle of Otranto and Isabella is largely regarded as the first gothic heroine and the foundation of the archetype, and the book opens even with one of the key defining traits – an innocent, chaste woman without the protection of a family being pursued and persecuted by a man on the rampage.

The gothic heroine was, for years, defined by her lack of agency. She was innocent, chaste, beautiful, curious, plagued by tragedy and often, ultimately, tragic. Isabella survives in The Castle of Otranto, but she’s one of the lucky ones – Cathy dies in Wuthering Heights, Sybil dies in The Picture of Dorian Gray, Justine and Elizabeth both die in Frankenstein, Mina survives in Dracula, but Lucy doesn’t. There’s an argument frequently posited that the gothic genre was, and is, about dead women and the men who mourn them, and Interview with the Vampire certainly lends itself to that pretty neatly.

Of course, the genre has evolved, and in particular by the late 1800s, there was a notable shift in how the Gothic Heroine was depicted. The house became a place of imprisonment where they were further constrained and disempowered, she was infantilized and pathologized and diagnosed as hysterical, and as Avril Horner puts it in her excellent paper, Women, Power and Conflict: the Gothic heroine and ‘Chocolate-box Gothic’, gothic literature of this era “explores “the constraints enforced [by] a patriarchal society that is becoming increasingly nervous about the demands of the ‘New Woman’.”

This was an era where marriage was increasingly understood in feminist circles to be a civil death where women were further subjugated and became the property of their husbands. This was explored through gothic literature as the domestic space evolved into a symbol of patriarchal control in the Female Gothic.

Female Gothic vs Male Gothic

Because here’s the thing – the female gothic and the male gothic are generally understood to be two different subgenres of gothic literature.

While there are plenty of arguments as to what this entails, the basics is that the male gothic is written by men, and usually features graphic horror, rape and the masculine domination of women and often utilises the invasion of women’s spaces as a symbol of further penetrating their bodies, while the female gothic is written by women, and usually features graphic terror, as opposed to horror, while delving more specifically into gender politics. More than that though, its heroines are usually victimized, virginial and powerless while being pursued by villainous men.

The Female Gothic as a genre is also specifically interested in the passage from girlhood to female maturity, and does view the house as a place of entrapment, but she is usually suddenly “threatened with imprisonment in a castle or a great house under the control of a powerful male figure who gave her no chance to escape.”

That’s not Louis’ arc, that’s Claudia’s arc twice over, first with the house at Rue Royale, then with the Paris Coven, and Lestat and Armand aren’t the only powerful male figures who imprison her.

Claudia as the Gothic Heroine

Claudia in many ways is the absolute embodiment of the classic gothic heroine. Even the moment of their meeting is a product of Louis’ Byronic heroism – his act of implacable revenge against the Alderman Fenwick which prompts the rioting that almost kills her. She’s a victim of Louis’ monstrousness before they’ve even met, and while he saves her, he arguably does something worse in trapping her in the house with both himself and Lestat, holding her in an ever-virginal, ever-chaste eternal girlhood, playing into Lestat’s Milton-Satan by enhancing the perversion of family and ultimately infantilizing her out of his own desire for familial closeness.

Claudia has no family protection before Louis and Lestat – a staple of the gothic heroine – she is completely dependent on them in her actual girlhood, and again in adulthood, never developing the strength to be able to turn a companion, to say nothing about the sly lines here and there that further diminish and pathologise her (Lestat calling her histrionic, Louis making her out to be a burden, etc.). This is all further compounded again with the Coven, and when the tragedy of her life ultimately leads to the tragedy of her death.  

Louis as the Byronic Hero

Not to start with a quote, but here’s one from The Literary Icon of the Byronic Hero and its Reincarnation in Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights:

“Generally speaking, the Byronic hero exhibits several particular characteristics. He does not possess heroic virtues in the usual, traditional sense. He is a well-educated, intelligent and sophisticated young man, sometimes a nobleman by birth, who at the same time manifests signs of rebellion against all fundamental values and moral codes of the society. Despite his obvious charm and attractiveness, the Byronic hero often shows a great deal of disrespect for any figure of authority. He was considered "the supreme embodiment [...] standing not only against a dehumanized system of labor but also against traditionally repressive religious, social, and familial institutions" (Moglen, 1976: 28).

The Byronic hero is usually a social outcast, a wanderer, or is in exile of some kind, one imposed upon him by some external forces or self-imposed. He also shows an obvious tendency to be arrogant, cunning, cynical, and unrepentant for his faults. He often indulges himself in self destructive activities that bring him to the point of nihilism resulting in his rebellion against life itself. He is hypersensitive, melancholic, introspective, emotionally conflicted, but at the same time mysterious, charismatic, seductive and sexually attractive.”

Louis as he exists in the show to me is pretty much all of those things, and I think to argue that he’s a gothic heroine not only diminishes Claudia’s arc, but robs Louis of his agency within his own story. Louis chooses Lestat, over and over again, he’s not imprisoned by the monster in the domestic sphere, he is one of the monsters who’s controlling the household, including making decisions of when they bring a child into it and when Lestat gets to live in it – he wanted to be turned, he wanted to live with Lestat in Rue Royale, and while there are certainly arguments to be made about their power dynamic within the household in the NOLA era, importantly Louis actually gained social power through his marriage to Lestat, particularly through The Azaelia, he didn’t lose it in the way that’s vital to the story of the gothic heroine.

Daniel Hart even said it in a recent twitter thread about Long Face, but there is an element of Lestat and Louis’ relationship that is transactional, and to me, for that to exist, they both have to have a degree of control over their circumstances and choices in order to negotiate those transactions. Claudia is the one who can’t, she’s the one who’s treated effectively as property, and she’s the one who lacks control over her circumstances.

While you could perhaps argue the constraints of the apartment in Dubai lend more to the gothic heroine archetype, I’d argue it as furthering the Byronic trope again by being representative both of Louis’ self-destruction and self-imposed exile. As Jacob has said a few times, Louis does seem to have known to a degree that Armand was involved in Claudia’s death on some level, and it’s that guilt and misery that has him allowing Armand his degree of control. The fact that Louis was able to leave Armand as easily and as definitively as he was I think demonstrates that distinction too – after all, to compare that ending to Claudia’s multiple attempts to leave the confines of the patriarchal house, both in Rue Royale and Paris, which were punished at every turn – first by her rape, then by Lestat dragging her back off the train, and then by the Coven orchestrating her murder.

Louis gets to leave because Louis can leave, he has both the social and narrative power to, and the fact that he does is, to me, completely at odds with the gothic heroine. Louis can, and does advocate for himself, Louis is proud, moody, cynical. Defiance is a key part of his character, just as his exile from NOLA society due to his race, and his chosen rejection of vampire society in Paris, is. He’s intelligent and sophisticated, travels the world, and has misery in his heart, guilt that eats him up, and self-destructive tendencies. That’s a Byronic Hero, baby!  

[magicalrocketships]

please please please some baby max 🙏

Have a little (sort of) seasonally appropriate baby Max! It's jumping a little out of order.

To recap where we are: Daniel turned down a seat this year, Max is still running away when he's back to being grown up, and Daniel isn't dealing very well with the whole missing-Max-both-as-an-adult-and-a-child kind of a thing. This is just an excuse for writing a specific moment.

(this link shows the stuff I’ve already posted in chronological order if the tag isn't working.)

Daniel's woken by his phone after a fairly useless single hour's sleep. He considers, for a second, ignoring it. But it's Christian, so he doesn't. 

"Max has Gone Small," Christian says without bothering with anything nice like hello or how was your 18 hour flight the week between Christmas and New Year or how are you coping without a race seat for next year for the second year in a row. "How soon can you get here?"

Daniel presses his face into the hotel room pillow. "Where are you?" 

"HQ," Christian says. "Tell me your hotel and I'll send a car to pick you up."

Daniel can't remember where he's staying. 'London' probably isn't good enough. He fumbles for the room service menu on the desk, and reads out the hotel name. 

"I'll call you back with an ETA," Christian says. He's not been as nice to Daniel after Daniel turned down both Max's temporary seat cover and the AT seat for next year. He doesn't understand. "Max wants you." 

"Yeah," Daniel says. He stands, barefoot and just in his underwear, and looks at himself in the mirror. He's hollow eyed from lack of sleep. And, probably, a selection of prolonged bad choices. His heart pounds. "Tell Max I'm coming for him, okay? See if you can get him some tomato soup in a cup and something to colour. He likes both those things."

"On it," Christian says, and hangs up. 

Daniel — exhausted, underweight, jet lagged — gets in the shower with his phone ringer turned up high and the water temperature turned down low. He emerges, shivering, more awake and vaguely cleaner but not much else. He packs his stuff back into his suitcase, unplugs his charger, and checks for a message. There's a car on its way. Daniel gathers up his stuff, wheels his case back towards the lift and checks out of his hotel. He's barely been there two hours. 

He doesn't sleep in the car up to Milton Keynes. His knee bounces, and he taps out a rhythm on his thigh with his fingertips. He hasn't seen grown up Max in weeks, and little Max for longer than that. 

Daniel hasn't been right since the first time Max got big and left him. There's a hole in the middle of his chest where his heart should be. He's tried to fill it with all the normal things but nothing's worked. He's just sad. It's hard work to hide it. It's harder when he's tired. They were going to see each other this week, with Daniel fulfilling some of his puppet PR duties at the Red Bull New Year's Eve party alongside Max, but that might not be on the table anymore because Max has Gone Small again. 

His little boy. He's going to see him again. God. 

If he gets there before Max goes big again. 

HQ is mostly deserted. There are barely any cars in the car park. Christian's waiting for him at the main entrance, along with an assistant, who Daniel barely says hello to as she promises to get all of Daniel's bags out of the car. 

"Max is very unhappy," Christian warns him, as they go inside and towards the stairs. "Turned up this morning and was only here an hour before we all blinked and then he's fucking seven again. Just wants you." 

Daniel speeds up. He doesn't even know where he's going, where Max is waiting for him. "Did he eat anything?"

"Refuses," Christian says. 

They go through a locked door Christian has to wave a pass at to get through. Somewhere, far away, Daniel can hear a familiar little voice, raised. Upset. 

"Maxy-Max," he calls, hand cupped around his mouth. There is, for a moment, abrupt silence. There's a flight of stairs. Daniel takes them two at a time, but he's not fast enough because Max fucking barrels his way out of a room at the top of them and barely manages to stop himself falling headlong over a large fern in a plant pot and toppling down the stairs. 

"Daniel!" Max says, tearful and upset. "Daniel, my Daniel." He launches himself at Daniel, and Daniel catches him in a hug. Daniel drops to his knees and Max hugs him all wriggly and tight and het up and crying. He's in grown up Max's t-shirt, way too big, and grown up Max's socks, falling off his feet and making him slip-slide all over the place. Someone, somehow, has got him into a pair of Go Small shorts, but the fabric is itchy even to Daniel's hand, so Max must be hating it. 

"Hello, baby," Daniel says, kissing Max's cheek, his ear. He thumbs away a tear from Max's pink, flushed cheek. Another one. "I've missed you so much." 

Max just holds on tighter. "Can we go home now," he whispers, but Daniel can't take him home. All the Guardianship papers are in Monaco. All their Red Bull responsibilities are here, and even if Max doesn't have to put food on the table, Daniel's career is on indefinite hiatus and the money he's making now will have to last him. And Max doesn't stay like this. He doesn't stay with Daniel. 

"Not just yet," Daniel tells him. He hugs Max tighter, lifting him off the ground. Max tucks his face into Daniel's neck, wrapping his arms all around Daniel's neck. He gets to his feet, Max wrapping his legs around Daniel's waist and staying as close as possible. "Are you hungry, Maxy-Max?"

Max nods, his nose dragging over Daniel's neck. He doesn't feel warm either, and Daniel wants to find something to get him changed in to and get him something to eat. 

"Let's get you—" he says, but then he has to close his eyes really tightly. 

Max wriggles, and shifts, and when Daniel opens his eyes again, the Max in his arms is his toddler Max, his baby Max, his best little boy. He's gone smaller. 

"Hey," Daniel says softly. "Hey, baby."

Max rears back in Daniel's arms. He's pink and tearstained and very serious. He pats both his hands to Daniel's cheeks. Holds Daniel still. 

Daniel waits. He can be patient where Max is concerned. Can let him have whatever time he needs to do whatever it is he needs to do.  

"Daddy," Max says, and— 

And. 

Daniel's world is different now. It will be forever different. A before, and an after. 

"Hey," Daniel says, in the end, and Max looks at him and beams. 

Carries on here.

[mars-paws]

what the fuck kind of name is Milton dawg

[ocelotlesbian]

had to evacuate because of that fuckass storm. WHO NAMES A HURRICANE """"MILTON"""" ANYWAY. WHAT KIND OF A STUPID FUCKING NAME IS MILTON. FUCK YOU

[undeadgayboynes]

Jeffrey Combs characters datability tier list

With explanations; A to D, left to right

-Anton Mordrid

Pros: Literally the perfect man. Intelligent, honest, respects you, owns a bird. Communicative.

Cons: A landlord

-The guy from Cyclone (I don't care)

Pros: Very smart, respects your intelligence, will participate in your hobbies even if they don't align with his interests. Charismatic and flirty

Cons: Might die and leave you with the task of protecting a super weapon from the shadow government

-Crawford Tillingast

Pros: Earnest, hardworking, very sweet, intelligent. Will probably remember your birthday. Wears oversized sweaters you can steal

Cons: A pushover, really bad luck, probably not fully emotionally ready for a relationship

-Chaz

Pros: A dork and seemingly a wimp, but will actually surprisingly brave when necessary. Well dressed. Objectively very cute

Cons: Is named Chaz. Complains a good bit, kinda snippy. Infectious anxiety

-Andrew Paris

Pros: Fine as fuck yet highkey a dork, will tell you interesting facts about things. Does his best to be a gentleman

Cons: Kind of incompetent, impulsive. Won't set up boundaries with people trying to hit on him. Seems experienced, but I don't think he's ever touched a boob.

-Dr. Haggis

Pros: Strong morals and will do what he can to uphold them, able to keep a level head in difficult situations. Takes care of those around him. Respects you and takes what you say into serious consideration.

Cons: Lack of confidence, won't say what he means. Alcoholic and smoker with no sign of wanting to change, used as coping mechanism. Pessimistic

-John Riley

Pros: Puts on a brave face, optimistic, hard worker. Loves his family very deeply. Genuinely trying to fix his issues. Will make the right decision when push comes to shove.

Cons: Alcoholic in a way that endangers those around him. Wants conflict to resolve on its own, uncommunicative, will lie to you. When he slips, he slips hard. Has potential to be unfaithful

-Dinosaur Bob

Pros: Fun and carefree, will take you on the ride of your life. Cool mustache. Sees you as an equal

Cons: A bit TOO carefree, irresponsible and impulsive. Does a LOT of drugs and will probably try to get you to do them. Sociopathic and violent tendencies. No morals.

-Francisco

Pros: Confident. Will accept when he is genuinely wrong. Impartial party, focused on facts.

Cons: Literally no opinions of his own, will let awful things happen because an authority says it's fine. That haircut and those glasses. Extremely desensitized to violence. "Facts over feelings" motherfucker

-Shepard Lambrick

Pros: Sugar daddy, will buy you a lot of nice things and you'll definitely get in the will. Cool mustache. Doesn't let people disrespect you.

Cons: Sociopathic and violent tendencies, enjoys other's suffering. Manipulative. One percenter and proud of it. Pushes boundaries.

-Herbert West

Pros: Intelligent, passionate. Will give you gifts. Includes you in his hobbies. Does the 🥺 face

Cons: Will not listen to you nor respect your boundaries. Grand gestures instead of communication, love-bombing. Extremely jealous. Manipulative. Sociopathic and violent tendencies. Condescending, thinks he's better than everyone else, no respect for anything or anyone. Impulsive. Does the 🥺 face

-Milton Dammers

Pros: Passionate and hard working. Speaks his mind.

Cons: Will not listen to you, no ability to compromise. Probably smells bad, greasy hair. Aware of his faults and has no want to change. Obsessive. Probably into some weird shit

-John

Pros: Ridiculously hot, will rock your world. Will break rules with you, in a hot way. Makes you feel appreciated

Cons: Will suicide bait you, ridiculously manipulative. Will ghost you. Kisses a rat on the mouth. Your boundaries? Never heard of them. Will love bomb you and hold that above your head.

[agendabymooner]

9 to 5 || f1 drivers (1)

(SPIN OFF OF COLOUR ME YOUR COLOUR (WIP) and RUSH)

Summary: Lorelei Hester ‘Lester’ Alessandro is a bassist first and Daniel Ricciardo’s partner second. But it seems like another role is added to her resume as she begins her weekend in Baku as Toto Wolff’s children’s babysitter. 

Chapter/blurb summary: The first morning of the Azerbaijan Race Week began with exchanging of names and messages. As of this point, Max Verstappen should consider his seat in Red Bull vacant after giving Lester's number out to some random person (is he a random person? hardly)

Content warning: family-centric content, people trying not to swear in front of children, attentive Dad!Toto, Toto scaring half the grid, dirty jokes, implied erection but not smut, baby names, max being a fool by proxy. 

Note: Uhh... THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR 60 FOLLOWERS! I hope you guys are enjoying the boost promoted by the creative juices of my brain. I'm going to try and work hard on these as much as I am working hard on CMYC and Rush. Enjoy xx

masterlist

i. baby names and text messages

With her leg resting on Daniel’s hip and her head resting on his arm, Lorelei Hester Alessandro — Lester for those who weren’t close to her — had never felt anything more nicer than this. That was until he decided to ruin the peaceful life that they could have just staying on the king-sized bed. 

Her eyes felt heavy, her annoyance slowly waking her up as Daniel shifted in his position. He kept moving, trying to slip out of her grasp as she continued to sleep. She looked so happy when she’s asleep. Relaxed. He loved that about her. He won’t even deny that he’d rather stay in this position if she’s like that forever. 

Not in the way of how Max had worded it. “Hm… she’s so nice when she has her mouth shut,” Max never really thought that she’d hear it until she started threatening him with her bass guitar. That wasn’t what Daniel meant when he said he liked her looking so peaceful. 

It’s been a while since they’ve gotten the peace they needed. 2022 was quite fucking rough, they thought it was the end of them. But they’re here in Azerbaijan, all tangled up in the bed with duvet covers weighing down their bodies. 

This was the first race weekend that Lester would be attending in 2023. Ever since the release of her band Måneskin’s newest album, she couldn’t find the opportunity to visit him while he, Checo and Max worked at Milton Keynes during the offseason. She expressed her guilt about not being able to spend much time with him, but all he said was “you’ve got work, and so do I, love.” 

Måneskin didn’t have a full schedule for their shows, and in between their schedules came a gap between April and May. The end of April to be exact. So she took this as an opportunity to travel with him. He was a reserved driver for Red Bull and wasn’t due to drive any time soon, but nevertheless she traveled just so she could spend some time with him.

Their first night in Azerbaijan consisted of sleeping. The moment Lester saw the bed, she dove in head first and left her suitcase by the closet. The groan that she let out after wasn’t sexual but it sure did something to Danny’s body. It didn’t take him long to drag her down to the floor, knowing that she’d fall asleep in a second if he continued to let her sprawl like that. 

“Fammi dormire, testa di cazzo,” let me sleep, dickhead, she groaned. Danny only laughed at that. He had heard the phrase testa di cazzo so many times that he was starting to know what kind of phrases come out of her. 

“No, get up,” he told her, reaching for her hands and hoisting her up to stand. “You need to wash your face, ma’am and brush your teeth.” 

“Hm, Danny,” she whined, her eyes still resting as she kept them close. 

“You’re not going to Danny me tonight, Miss Alessandro, come on. Get ready for bed,” he tutted, his hands now holding onto her arms as he gently pushed her into the bathroom. 

“I need to shower,” she murmured, her eyes finally waking up as she stared at herself in the vanity mirror. Yeah, she needed to shower. She hadn’t slept for almost a day now. 

Daniel, who was already digging through their suitcases for nightwear, then agreed, “Yeah you do. I can smell you from here.” 

Her eyes zeroed in on his reflection once he returned. He stood there with their separated toiletries and a grin on his face. The glare that she held wasn’t holding any grudges, but rather annoyance. 

She just shook her head before sliding the glass door open. She stripped down her clothes and took off the hair tie that she wore, her eyes still glaring at her boyfriend as she entered the shower. Her hand twisted the faucet to the hottest water as the head began raining down the water on her body. She had already shut the door close, not even caring if Dan was still there with the most amused expression she had ever seen. 

The steam began to fill the bathroom, making it known to her that Daniel had shut the door. What she didn’t expect, however, was for him to slide the door open and place their shower necessities on the tray beside her. 

“Scooch over, please,” Daniel said in a singing tone, his request making her glare at her own boyfriend as he stepped inside the shower. The hot water hit the back of his neck as he hissed, “Ow! Jesus… Are you trying to get a third-degree burn, mate? We can go to Australia in the summer for that.”

“Whose decision is it to invade my space in front of the hot water?” Lester told him with a raised brow, “hardly my fault now, no?” 

He only rolled his eyes. Perhaps it’s a bad idea to annoy a girlfriend who only wishes to sleep. But he only wanted her to shower so she could relax and sleep. 

Obviously it was a good idea that he had her shower before she slept. She had been asleep since 9 PM. And it’s 5AM already. That shower must have been so relaxing. Especially with the hot water. 

Daniel needed to get up though. And as he tried to shake her off of him, she continued to grumble and cling to him like a koala. 

“If you move again, what would stop me from kicking you right in your crown jewels,” she murmured, her eyes still closed as she cuddled him. Daniel only sighed, rubbing her back with the arm her head was resting on. 

“Our goal to fulfill our desire to have a brood of Ricciardos,” he muttered.

Her eyes remained close, sighing peacefully as she spoke, “I don’t recall saying I want to carry your demons in disguise.”

“Nice to hear that you think of them as angels,” he chuckled quietly. “They’re going to be as wild as you, Mama. I can tell you that much.”

“Well, stop moving then maybe we can have lots of them soon enough,” Lester nuzzled her head closer to his chest. The foot that clung to Daniel’s hips neared his crotch, with her mindlessly feeling the fabric of whatever he was wearing. 

She hadn’t even meant to feel him up like that. She was just trying to enjoy her sleep. He was few steps away from touching himself.

Lester, still not caring about what she was doing, then joked, “Can you imagine running after a toddler with curls bouncing and you yelling, “Jolie, put your nappies on” and she just won’t rest?”

Daniel gulped unwittingly and nodded, “S- Jolie?”

“What? Jolie is a good name for girls,” she replied before saying, “Jolie Ayrton Ricciardo.” 

Daniel felt the goosebumps rising on his skin as he muttered, “Sounds- sounds good. O- or Beau Joseph Nikolaus Ricciardo.” Lester really needs to get her foot off my crotch before I could even bust.

She snorted, her eyes no longer closed as she stared at her boyfriend’s side frame, “Beau? How old would he be when he comes out of me?”

“Okay, but,” Daniel protested, “Beau Ric, F1 World Champion from Red Bull. Ladies’ man.” 

“With the initials B and J,” Lester joked, “and him getting the Charles Leclerc name treatment, too.”

Daniel groaned, “Alright, since you’re mocking my idea that means we can get up now. Right?”

“No, we can’t get up yet,” Lester scoffed out, keeping her arm on his chest as she kept going, “us giving our kid a name does not warrant you to get up and go.”

“I need to get up, doll,” he said as quietly as she did, “need to work out with Max and Lando.”

“No you don’t,” she answered, obviously no longer asleep. “Max can DIY and Lando can be fed with protein bars with no problem. That child can live off sugar, if he’s even allowed to.”

“We need breakfast,” he insisted, kissing her forehead. He wasn’t even moving too. 

“No we don’t,” Lester told him, her eyes closing again.

“Lorelei, are you not eati—“

“I’m trying to,” she interrupted him, “but I’m too lazy to get up. Soooo tired.”

“So am I,” he continued, “but we have to get up now, yes? I’ll pull the curtains up so we can have a good morning.”

Finally letting go of him, Lester slumped back down on the side of his bed as she grumbled sleepily. “Fucking athletes… so motivated to get up early to grind. The fuck are you grinding on anyways?” 

“You know what you were doing when you began to date a racing driver, babe,” Daniel chuckled somewhere in the background. He moved around and Lester could hear the blinds and curtains opening. 

With the sunlight entering the wide paneled windows, her eyes took in the light as she looked at her boyfriend with a bored look. “Oh, really? Clearly the champagne didn’t elaborate enough.” 

Daniel rolled his eyes before sitting back down on his side of the bed, dipping his head down to kiss her on the lips as he grinned, “Come on. Breakfast. I’ve to meet Max and Checo, too.” 

“Ugh Verstappen,” she groaned, making her boyfriend laugh as he began making his way to the bathroom. “That guy will be the death of me one of these days, you know that, love?” 

“I know,” he answered from the sink, “you’ve told me about it when we met in 2015.” 

“So annoying.” 

Her phone pinged, the screen brightening as she glanced down at it. Her brows knitted together in confusion. 

“I’ve got an unknown number texting me,” she heard a hum coming from Daniel as she peered over the message she received. 

She had been staring at her phone for a good minute as she wondered if she should text him any more. She was friendly with Toto Wolff. She remembered how she came across Tilly and Toto during the afterparty of 2015 Monza race. 

She didn’t mean to fangirl, truthfully, but the alluring features of the older woman had her gushing about the novel that she published in 2014. Tilly merely asked her to continue and discuss the subject until she was pulled away by Daniel Ricciardo, who didn’t even ask for her name yet had the audacity to invite her to dance. 

Lester didn’t meet Tilly again until 2021 at Monza. The second time they had a discussion, it was about the second book that Tilly had published about being single for a decade and other knickknacks she could think of. Tilly asked for her name this time and even exchanged numbers with Lester just in case the bassist didn’t mind coming over at their humble abode in Monaco. 

The massive difference between the two of them never really bothered them. Lester was 26 — Sylvie’s age — and Tilly was 38. Tilly had two children while Lester didn’t see herself having any children anytime soon. Tilly had money in her pocket and a hint of parental issues, while Lester came from a middle class family who valued family more than anything. They were extremely different, yet they remained friends. 

But still, Lester was quite hesitant about what she had agreed on. Even if she was good friends with his wife, Lester was still worried about making a wrong choice in front of Toto. 

But for him to ask if she can babysit their kids while they run amuck in the paddock? Yeah. She might as well sign her death certificate herself. She could set up her own funeral too, should she have enough time for it. 

“Bellezza?” She looked up to the direction of her lover, who was already dressed for his morning workout. “You okay?” 

“Yeah?” She tilted her head, wondering what prompted him to ask that. “I am.” 

“Do you know who texted you?” He asked, worried about what she might have read. The serious look on her face said something. But apparently it wasn’t that much of a deal. 

“Yeah, it’s just,” she paused for a moment before looking back at her screen. She needed to make sure she wasn’t having a dream or a nightmare. “It’s Toto. He’s landing soon.” 

“Oh? How did he get a hold on your number?” He asked, peering down and tying his shoelaces as he got ready. 

“About that,” she smiled grimly. “What do you think about taking Max’s seat for the rest of the season?” She could see disappointment written all over his face.

“What did the fool do now?” Daniel looked at her with a dull expression. 

“He’s responsible for giving Toto my number,” she replied, slipping out of the bed to stand. Her nightdress fell back into place as she pecked his lips, “Now I’m babysitting the Wolff kids this weekend.”

“Really?”

“Yup, and probably by the end of the weekend, you’re the newest Red Bull driver alongside Checo,” she finally walked off and prepared herself for the day.

“I’m leaving, babe,” he stated, “and while I appreciate the effort, please don’t kill Max. He’s still a friend.”

"But you need to get back on the track, mio tasso!"

"I am not doing that with blood on my hands, my love!"

[teecupangel]

I wonder if there are times where Desmond could come off as terrifying without meaning too? Like he's just doing something he thinks is mundane, but whoevers near by is like no Desmond normally people don't climb buildings that high. Or no we all aren't professional knife throwers when we are boredly throwing knives

(I have a thing for Outside POVs so here's a pre-AC1!bartender!Desmond being weird and low-key terrifying.

Note: his fake name in this little fic is Derek Milton because he's not that imaginative)

“Hey, Ted.”

“Yeah?”

“Who was the bartender last night?”

“Oh, you mean Derek? He’s been working here longer than any of us. Pretty chill guy. What’s up?”

“Uuhh… nothing. It’s just…”

“Ooohhh. You got Derk’ed, didn’t you?”

“Got what?”

“Wait. Hey, Laura! Newbie got his first Derk’ed!”

“Congrats, man! You have your bingo card?”

“Bingo card???”

“Here. So Derek’s kind of a weirdo. If you get bingo, you get a free drink on your next shift. So… which one did you see him do?”

“The center says ‘family cult or hippies’?”

“Yeah, that’s a freebie but you gotta look out for that. Mia missed hers ‘cause he just said it and then started talking about edible grass. Oh, that’s the top-left one, by the way. We also count if he talks about edible flowers.”

“The middle right one says BnE?”

“Breaking and entering. But you gotta ask him to do it. Kinda like a consent thing to him. Anyway, if you forget the lock combination of your locker or you locked your car or you’re Jake and your ex locked you out of your apartment after she left you as a final fuck you after learning you fucked her stepmom, you call him and he’ll unlock shit for you free of charge. We usually give him a bag of chocolates as a thank you. He has a sweet tooth. If you really wanna say thank you, he really likes Banoffee pie from Starbucks.”

“Uuuhhh… this one says badass knife?”

“That one is when you see him do cool moves with a knife. You’d usually see it if he’s cutting garnish, especially when there’s like a drunk bachelorette party that he’s trying to impress. They give him extra tips when he’s being flashy.”

“And this… uuhh… kick ass?”

“That’s pretty self-explanatory, I think? Just look out when he kicks anyone out. He’s usually the one who takes out the violent ones.”

“We have a bouncer, right?”

“Yeah but he’s like… a martial artist or something? Anya once saw him kick the ass of a dude three times his size. Anyway, you get that space if you see him kick ass. And, don’t call the cops. We don’t want any cops around here.”

“Uh-huh. I can see why…”

“So, which one’s you saw last night anyway?”

“Uh… he told me not to serve some guys because they were mobsters? Said he’d take care of them?”

“Oh, that counts as ‘badguydar’.”

“Badguydar?”

“It’s like a gaydar but for really bad guys. He can spot them, like, in a flash.”

“……… Are we sure he’s not… ex-CIA or something?”

“… Would you like to join the betting pool we have on that? Highest bet we have at the moment is ‘secret child soldier government program’.”

“What???”

[rdr2stories]

"Please..." a rdr2 fanfiction.

A short fanfiction about the epiloge

Sadie… Sadie, god it had been a while since he had heard that name, years, eight to be exact. Eight entire years since he had heard from Sadie Adler, last time he had seen her, she had been protecting Abigail and Jack… She had made sure he had had a family to return to, he owed her everything, every moment, every second he had had with his family the last eight years.

He should feel only happiness at her name, so why was there an unease in the bottom of his stomach at her name, why was he worrying? He asked himself that but he knew, he knew the answer, because just as easily as she had given him his family she could take it from him again, he just refused to accept it even though he knew it was true.

She was asking to meet with him, probably just to catch up… Just to catch up… She would probably want to meet Abigail as well… Abigail…

After his meeting with Sadie in the Blackwater saloon he felt a little better, he had asked her to come visit the farm, she hadn’t shown much interest, so maybe that meant when Abigail returned they would be safe, his family would be safe. He had really only asked out of courtesy, but he felt safer knowing that him and Abigail were safe…

He hated thinking like that, he hated it, but he knew it, he knew it like he had known it those last few weeks where he had watched their fleeing touches in camp, where he had watched them speak lowly amongst themselves as they stood unnecessarily close, where he had watched the way their eyes softened when they met. He wanted to say it meant nothing but he knew better, after all he recongized it from what he and Javier had done back when Jack had been born.

Was this what it had been like for Abigail? No… It had been different… He hadn’t been a father back then, they hadn’t been a family, not the way that they were parents now, the way they were a family. They hadn’t been together, if it hadn’t been for Jack the two of them would never even have talked… Now he was building her a house…

When finally Abigail returned, John had never felt happier, had never felt more at peace, had never felt more excited, they were starting a new life and he was going to do his best to make sure that he didn’t fuck it up again, that she would have her dream life with a farm and family. If she was happy so was he.

His wife, his son, his house, his dog apparently, his family. He had a family, he had a life, they were safe, he didn’t have to worry about her dying or being arrested or being taken. He was hers, she was his, they were a proper family, the kind of family he had never had before, that he certainly had never dared to dream for when he had been with Dutch and the rest… Arthur would be proud of him, it was Arthur that kept him grounded, Arthur had sacrified everything for him and he was going to make sure to put a good use to it.

God Abigail was beautiful, she was stunning, he loved her, and she seemed happy even though half the house was empty, they barely had a bedroom, much less a kitchen, but she was happy, she told him that he did good. How long he had waited for that, for the recognition, for the happiness that would make it all worth it, that would make all the moving, the newly hanging debt over his head, the worry of using his actual name and not Jim Milton.

How god it felt to hold Abigail in his arms again.

“Mom! Pa!” Jack shouted and then Sadie was there, riding down the path to the house she had otherwise said she didn’t even want to see, Abigail was smiling, laughing, running dpwn to embrace Saide in a hug like she had him, grabbing her hand and leading her inside the house she had only agreed to see when Abigail was back.

“I am so happy, I am so happy,” Abigail said and his stomach curled, he wished nothing more, he wished just for her to be happy but he also wished it was him making her happy, he wished that her smile had been that big when she had seen the house, when she had seen him, when she had hugged him. He wished he hadn't seen the way their hands lingered, he wished he hadn't seen the way their eyes met, he wished he hadn't heard the love when she had called her darling, he wished that he didn’t worry if his familiy's neck was at risk again.

Please don't take her from me.

[iftheshoef1tz]

i have GOT to hear more about the demon!azris WIP you mentioned!! spill the deets! i love the title "What Hath Night to Do With Sleep", you always have the best titled fics.

I would love to tell you about demon azris!! I posted a little bit of it for Halloween, but the main idea is that Eris, a young German doctor living in West Berlin in the late 1960s, summons a demon to help him kill his father and the former Nazis he grew up around. In addition to azris, eris kind of sleeps with everyone, so there will be neris and nerissian, as well as blink-and-you-miss-it Kallias/Eris and feysandris. Eris, in a word, is living my dream and fucking his way through the acotar cast. This fic will be heavy on the trigger warnings (bc, you know, Nazis and the killing thereof), but i don’t plan to include any onscreen violence against Jewish people.

It’s been a really interesting bit of history to research (with special, special help from @queercontrarian) and i have looked up the most random things. Including a hilarious article from WikiHelp on how to summon a demon, as well as “what cars did West Germany have,” “when were ball pens invented,” “names of politicians in the AfD,” “bones in the hand,” and “symptoms of gout.” My search history is a mess, lmao.

The title is from John Milton’s “Paradise Lost,” and it slaps severely. If you’re ever at a loss for titling something and you can’t find a song title or lyric that’s working, poetry is always a good bet!

[lesbianbriars]

I legit had to write this out in my drafts because if I tried writing it all out in an ask it'd be like 10x more incoherent

I also read your sparchess fic recently and man. MAN. it absolutely gutted me like a fish, I could go off on a whole tangent but I think Tea did a good job at saying what I wanted to say so I’m just gonna focus on your version of Sparrow because HOOOHHH BOYYYYYY

(DISCLAIMER: I love the way you wrote him)

He is an asshole. I Love To Hate Him because like. he tells Duchess that she deserves better and after he fucking ruined her chance at getting a destiny that’s significantly better than her own, and what does he say when Duchess is rightfully pissed and calls him out on the fact he manipulated and betrayed her?

“You can’t just wait for things to fall into your lap, Duchess,” he snapped, and she was stunned — this was the first time he’d really used her name. “If you don’t want your destiny, you have to fucking make a new one. You can’t let Grimm drag you around on a string.”

My initial reaction to that: DUDE?? SHUT THE FUCK UP??? YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DICTATE THAT FOR HER???????

Here’s the thing about his claim that she can just “make a new one [destiny]”. The Rebels are already doing struggling to do that. Like. Milton and all the other outside forces are making that really fucking hard, so for him to just be like ��she doesn’t need to settle for being the Evil Queen, she can make herself her own destiny”, is just… frustratingly naive.

And also! He does not have the right to dictate what’s best for her!! Cool motive, still a dick fucking move!!

I hope that if you ever right a sequel, Duchess does make him pay. Like, yeah, we don’t know if Milton would’ve actually given her Raven’s destiny, but to quote Duchess herself- he knew what the stakes were for her. And he threw it away.

TLDR; RAAAAGHHHHHH 10/10 fic will read again

lmao thank you so much!!! i myself absolutely adore sparrow and found myself extremely confused by his motivations in the original book, so i decided to give him this sort of messed up morally gray motivation where he thinks he’s trying to help her but is like. completely off base and only ends up isolating her further. i thought it would be an interesting deviation from his relatively shallow motivations in canon to have a twist where he did genuinely care about her — he just fucked it up. i’m really glad you enjoyed what i did with him.

i do not at all plan to write a sequel — the open ending is part of what was fun to me about writing this fic, kind of leaving it with strings untied and feelings unresolved — but if i did i’m afraid i’d likely be much more sympathetic to sparrow than you’d prefer haha. i think it’s more complicated than him just being a bad guy, and i would want to kind of expand upon that.

regardless, thank you so much for sending me your thoughts 💓 any time someone reaches out to me like this it truly makes my day; it shows me that my art really does affect people, and that is really really special.

i appreciate you so much!!

[thepringlesofblood]

Dimension 20 Campaigns Rated By The Amount Of Mice/Rats

(chronological order)

disclaimer: I have not seen Shriek Week, Dungeons and Drag Queens, or The Unsleeping City s2.

for all of these except the last, I command + F’d through their transcripts on the wiki for the terms “rat” “rats” “mice” “mouse” and “rodent” to find the relevant data.

the reason I didn’t do TUC s2 is a. from watching the first season I can intuit a similar level of mouse/rat content in this setting, if slightly lessened rat action due to the lack of a rat PC, and b. laziness. consider all of TUC under the same umbrella

i don’t know what’s wrong with me either.

Fantasy High - 7.5/10. the introduction of Sexy Rat into the d20 canon is iconic. we also have the rat that the sexy rat was created for - Edgar, Zayn Darkshadow’s cute lil plot-relevant pet rat. Not much mice/rat content outside of this, but a beautiful beginning.

Escape from Bloodkeep [update: I watched this while waiting for the fhjy finale, it’s fucking spectacular] - 1/10. aside from Erika Ishii occasionally saying “aw, rats,” there’s only one minor instance of rat action, this quote from Master Ipskix in ep 1 - “We're training little ants and beetles to carry little swords and sharp things, and crawl in, and you know when you get a rat to eat through someone's stomach and come to the other side, we're trying to cover the rats in spikes.” There is a nice moment of Sokhbarr and Leiland collaborating on rat enrichment, but overall the main “creepy” animals this season were spiders (fair) and J’er’em’ih

The Unsleeping City - 10000/10. rats every episode. rat PC. rat NPCs. MULTIPLE combat eps with not only rat swarms but a rat KING. impeccable. kugrash my belovéd. true rat positivity. rights for rats. the height of rat content in dimension 20.

Tiny Heist - 6/10. Solid rodent presence in the form of Tony Manchego, a mouse supporting NPC who is basically Boomer’s main coworker. Several other mice/rats also appear as Felix Flick henchmen (henchpeople?). Not a main focus, but decent background presence. I don’t recall any good/cool rats/mice though, they’re all goons of some kind.

A Crown of Candy - 0.5/10. in ep3 Brennan uses the phrase “Everyone thinks we're rats.” to explain political negotiations w the dairy isles. you know it’s rough when the only mention of rats is its use as a pejorative. the 0.5 is for the incredibly gratuitous cheese content. No actual mice, but that counts for something in my book. also Lapin is a bunny, which is another kind of rodent. This is the only possible framework in which ACOC could be described as “disappointing"

Dimension 20 Live aka Fantasy High: Sophomore Year - 6/10. The thrilling return of Sexy Rat. Sadly this is the only significant mouse/rat content this season, but what a banger!

Pirates of Leviathan - 9/10. Another excellent rat-person PC. Jack Brakkow is revolutionary. we love a grimy king. not much else in terms of mouse/rat content though, and Jack’s rattiness isn’t discussed as much as kugrash’s is. there is a character deadass named “Cheese” though.

Mice and Murder - 9.5/10 it’s in the title. No PCs though, surprisingly, which is the main reason this isn’t 10/10. they went more for diversity in animals with this one and tbh it works really well, but also means that despite the title, it’s really Fox and Racoon and Javelina and Weasel and Owl and Doberman Pinscher and Murder. The mice/rats they do have are dope though. Both of the McCabbages are vibrant and interesting, and of course Rosalind Crumb showing her ass is iconic. Thomas Gilfoyle is classic suspicious butler, Carolyn Dickory and Edwina Thimble wind up being extremely important, Molly Milton and Millie Molton are peak Brennan weird naming convention as well as a lesbian power couple, and there’s a variety of other Loam Hall staff that are mice (and they all have wild names like Tessa Teapot and Alfred Honeyhatch). I know that moles aren’t mice/rats, but shoutout to Mrs. Molesly, a real one start to finish.

Misfits and Magic - 7/10. this probably shouldn’t be as high as it is, but I am incapable of not ranking mismag as high as possible, it is what got me into dimension 20 and I LOVE it. K’s amazing cinderella scene at the end is one of the highlights of the series, and they also use mice/rats as surveillance sometimes. Theodore is a chipmunk, not a mouse/rat, but still points for other prominent rodentia. the K fucked-up-disney-princess stuff only has mice/rats a few times, but it’s just so iconic.

The Seven - 0/10. Absolutely zero mouse/rat content. Rip. They went hard on horse girl content (respect), so it makes sense that there was less room for mice/rats. again, the only measurement by which this series could be considered a disappointment, I fuckin love the seven.

Shriek Week - 0.5/10. A “rat man” is mentioned briefly as a one-off gag.  Exhilarating. occasionally, the clicking of a computer mouse is inserted as a sound effect.

A Starstruck Odyssey - 2/10. in Ep. 12, there is discussion of “skiff rats” and rat poison that makes your head explode. This is a very important memory from Skipper’s past, but the emphasis is on the rat poison, and on the consequences of the mass poisoning, not really on the rats themselves. in Ep. 11, when describing a room Brennan says “The walls piled high…with bright blue animatronic mouse heads with the eyes torn out” however this is the only mention of them in the episode. There is one mention to the concept of a computer mouse (Ep. 10), and on several occasions, the sound of a computer mouse clicking can be heard as a sound effect.

Coffin Run - 5/10. in the finale, rat swarms try to eat Dracula. A thrilling moment. other than that, in Ep. 1 we have the quote, “This letter then goes across the ocean in a rat-infested ship”, and in Ep. 5 wetzel accidentally eats some rat poison. highlighted quote: “If we connect all the rats together, can we get a rat king?”

A Court of Fey and Flowers - 0.25/10. in Ep. 4 Mickey Mouse is mentioned, in the context of Hob’s state of dress - “You're either a Donald Duck or a Mickey Mouse” - Oscar Montoya. It’s 0.25 because fuck disney. bit of a missed opportunity, mice can typically fall into the “cute woodland creatures that live in/around fairies” category, and there were so many mentions of trash this season, I was really hoping we’d get some rat action. lacking that, I was hoping a salt goblin would be described as being the size of a mouse, but no such luck. rip. Again, the only disappointing aspect of this campaign, ruehob aka battlemaster of ceremonies is one of the only happy positive romances I’ve seen with a nonbinary person and as an enby myself, the idea that a brennan lee mulligan character could find someone like me attractive is. very validating.

Neverafter - ?/10. it’s not done yet (post written 12/28/22), but things are looking promising so far! we’ve had several mouse swarms, and a whole miniature town of mouse NPCs, plus many descriptions of pib eating mice. if a similar level of mouse/rat content continues, I project a 7.5/10 at the very least

UPDATE: final rating for Neverafter - 8/10. nothing ever managed to match the chaotic rodent energy of earlier episodes, but still a very solid showing. Rosamund’s swarm is a fairly consistent source of rats/mice, though she more often calls upon her “little birds,” and Pib continues to eat mice on occasion. We did have several later season mouse appearances; Aesop has the famous lion and the mouse, and the Land of Beasts is mentioned as being full of mice (among other animals). The Mouse King (from the Nutcracker) appears on the list of the Council of Kings (after being described briefly in Herr Drosselmeyer’s memories in one of the very first episodes). The song “Three Blind Mice” is mentioned several times, with Ylfa saying it is her “favorite story”. Tom Thumb mentions that he “hang(s) around with a lot of mice.” We learn that Pib turned an ogre into a mouse in his backstory. Other prominent rodentia do appear, most notably Pib’s fellow trickster, the Rabbit. Overall, a lot of excellent mouse content early on, with a handful of smaller appearances in the mid to late season.

UPDATE: The Ravening War - 0/10 Not a mouse or rat to be seen, not even a mention. and unlike ACOC, there are no other prominent rodentia to save them. Lady Amangeaux is described as “Jessica Rabbit as a mango” but given than not even Jessica Rabbit is a rabbit, I do not count this. considering the amount of times rot and mold are mentioned, I was hoping a rat might skitter away from a pile of garbage at some point. no such luck. the only point that I would even consider as related to mice/rats would be the amount of cheese content, as we have both a cheese person PC (in this house we love Colin Provolone) and a semi-prominent cheese person antagonist. however, I would say this averages out to considerably less cheese content than ACOC, which has several cheese person NPCs, including lesbian icon Annabelle Cheddar, Manta Ray Jack, Sir Morris Brie, and prominent antagonist Stilton Curdeau, plus a whole battle with ships made of cheese, plus a whole battle with cheese people (though dressed as meat people) as primary antagonists. thus, I cannot in good conscience award TRW any points for that when it made up only a portion of ACOC’s 0.5 of a point. I greatly enjoyed TRW, but not for mice/rat reasons.

UPDATE: Dungeons & Drag Queens, Mentopolis, and the promising beginnings of Burrow’s End

DNDQ - 0/10. No mention of mice or rats. honorable mention to Alvin, a chipmunk who I would call a semi-prominent rodent. I only watched half of the 1st ep* but my usual command + F of the transcripts yielded no results.

*no shade to the queens, this season just didn’t work for me specifically, I have a thing where when I know the rules to something watching people learn them/not know them is like. chalkboard screech. it’s the autism I think. so as much as I love the queens & their characters I just couldn’t watch the actual show. 

Mentopolis - 0/10 understandable as canonically the only animal in Mentopolis is Justin. in absence of any mouse/rat characters, I was hoping for perhaps a mouse/rat fact from The Fix, but i really can’t complain about the myriad of animal facts in this season in good conscience. they were many and varied and I am very grateful. still no mice/rats though. Birds, snakes, and their “prey” are discussed, which mice can certainly be. For example, the heat pits on a python’s lips that Ronnie mentions can be used to detect warm-blooded animals like mice, rats, and other small rodents. But as no rodent is directly mentioned it will not be counted. perhaps next time a reptile eating a mouse will be mentioned, or one of my fave rodent factoids, “a mouse’s heartbeat is so fast that to the human ear it just sounds like buzzing,” will be included.

Burrow’s End - ?/10 I have high hopes but did you know that stoats are actually not rodents??? neither are badgers, otters, wolverines, or pine martens. rodents are all vegetarian - they’re (obvs) in the order Rodentia, so they can’t be in the order Carnivora. so far we have strong chipmunk presence (that’s 3 campaigns with important chipmunks!), and a variety of “woodland animals”, so I remain optimistic.

UPDATE: final score for Burrow’s End - 1.5/10. frankly appalling lack of mice & rats given the setting. occasionally (as in 2-3 times in the series) a mouse or rat will be mentioned in passing, but the only rodents the gang actually interact with are rabbits and chipmunks. I’m guessing that’s probably bc stoats are specifically known for hunting rabbits, so mice/rats would be too small of a prey animal for them? plus the watership down allusions. and then of course we have the horrifying chipmunk/bear battle. credit for the few rat mentions and rodent presence in general, but this isn’t the rodent post, it’s the mice and rats post.

Fantasy High: Junior Year - ?/10 I am terrified. there’s a set of antagonists called the Rat Grinders. well, at least we know there will be rats! Zayn also reappears and with him a mention of Edgar the rat, a fantastic character. potentially...could there even be mention of the original, iconic, sexy rat? we shall see!

UPDATE (5/29/24): final score for FHJY - 8.99/10 fucking spectacular. not only do we get multiple mentions and a partial reappearance of the OG icon, Sexy Rat, but we get the Rat-ettes, the Rat Grinders, Rat World, and as hoped for, the return of Edgar, the originator of this whole proud Dimension 20 tradition of plot-relevant rats! He even gets a ghostly little miniature in the “Baron’s Game” battle! Fabian is also gifted (and makes frequent use of) the Pipes of the Sewers, an item which summons rats. The combo of this item and Fig’s Mask of Animal Friendship leads to several instances of rat-summoning both in and out of in combat, the likes of which have not been seen in years. One of the most unhinged and transcendent moments of the season, the Rat-ettes showing hole, led to the uncovering of the ancient name Ankarna, kicking off both a fucking excellent mid-season finale as well the central plot of the rest of the season. The rat swarm minis in The Last Stand & Ragenarok pt 1 truly brought me back to the glory days of The Unsleeping City. The only thing keeping this season from a 9/10 is lack of mouse/rat PCs or major NPCS, which all of our 9/10+ seasons have had thus far. Much as I adore Edgar, I would categorize him as a supporting NPC this season rather than a major one. The Rat Grinders definitely add to this season’s score, but as none of them are actually rats, I can’t count them as rat NPCs. Easily the height of Fantasy High rat content, and that’s saying something. We’ve been in a bit of a drought lately, but FHJY truly delivered.

I would like to give credit to a post I read many years ago that I realize may have given me inspiration to make whatever this is: harry potter rated by mentions of swans.

don’t ask

[daedalusdavinci]

spell homestuck

GOD. THIS IS SO MUCH LONGER THAN TWO FACE. i typed too much and theres too many qs so under the cut it goes

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)?

books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! or....... i guess comics, these days, but i HATE READING COMICS they juST HAVE MORE COMPELLING FANDOMS. book fandoms are PUNY nad everyone is STUPID. youd think actual literary fandoms would have reading comprehension and understanding of literary critique but no!!!!!!!!!!!!! its literally my eternal fuckign struggle. somehow comic fandoms hit the perfect medium between compelling, readable content and the enthusiasm of cartoon fans without the childishness of cartoon fans

O - Choose a song at random. Which ship or character does it remind you of?

this isnt really a thing i do. the only time i associate characters w songs is my own ocs. barbies theme is miltons tower from the what remains of edith finch soundtrack!

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend.

i have also never really been one to project myself into stories. its just not how i consume media. i think sollux and rose already closely resemble the kinds of friends i make, so maybe them?

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

(freddy fazbear vc) vanessa.... ive done things, im not proud of.

i dont even know if i want to answer this question bc its so fucking humiliating LKJSNDLFSDNFSDF the truth is yes. i am solely responsible for. a lot. particularly in the pjo fandom. i created several crackships ground up all on my own way back in 2014 and developed a following for them and i. dont wantto tell you what those ships were. LSKJDFNSLDJNSDFSDDF ive also pioneered many ship tags for other fandoms and i ship a lot of rarepairs and stuff but i dont think im RESPONSIBLE for them?? in that some ppl already were into them/talking abotu them or tht theyre still not popular (augh. to the ones that became popular) but i AM liTERALLY responsible for some crack shit in the pjo fandom and its. it haunts me sometimes. i dont want to talk about it. IF YOU REMEMBER WHAT I DID NO YOU DONT

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged)

this is so vague. my headcanons are shifting and nebulous and aus are my constant companion in everything, but uhhhhhhghhusjkdjnsdg i think. roxy writes the same way dave draws comics. its extremely memey and meta and self aware and largely just for the personal lolz, and were all doing her a disservice by pretending her writing looks like roses, when in reality dirk is probably the one whod make comics the way rose makes books (which is probably why he doesnt make comics). its more of that thing where roxy and dave are the same and rose and dirk are the same ykwim. well YOU dont corvus but im sure someone else does

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending?

jason takes after bruce in terms of like. adopting entirely too many kids. he broods

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

harvey is a heartwrenching character when written well, with a complicated view of morality, heartbreaking ties to our main hero, and a lot of internal conflict. something about such a hopeful character deadset on making a different in the system becoming a victim of it, and the potential he has as a vehicle for critiquing the law.

percy is my favorite character from pjo bc it was the very first time in my life i ever read a book and saw myself in it. hes aggressive, impulsive, and rebellious, he fidgets and has a hard time standing still, he acts on emotion without always thinking it through, he gets in trouble in school and hands his mom a murder weapon to kill his stepdad, hes just... hes a lot of the things ive always gotten in trouble for, things i couldnt help being, and hes a hero. he means everything to me.

vriska, i will maintain until the day i die, is one of the best homestuck characters- maybe just characters?- ever written. shes dramatic, shes impulsive, shes manipulative and mean and creative, and shes just so messy about it. shes a mean girl in a way that feels real, where her trauma impacts and shapes her as a person, and shes complex, with warring wants, and people she cares about, and dreams, and shes so messy. shes rough and rude and shes doing what SHE wants to, being a version of herself that feels right to HER, rather than some caricature of the hot badass evil lady. shes thirteen!! and she FEELS thirteen. shes a thirteen year old weird girl who is kind of an asshole, and she means literally fucking everything to me. shes a pirate!!!!! shes a swashbuckling badass dressing up in her larping outfit and yelling at her friends on the playground to swab the deck and she is the bestest ever, the end.

i didnt mean for each one of these to be longer than the last but here we are.

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will.

i hate jdedave peace and love it just feels weird as hell to me. dave, for the most part, is hyper respectful of other peoples choices and boundaries but when it comes to jade hes always trying to mke choices for her, to protect her, and it gets to the point where even jade points out how much it bugs her. jades crush on dave also seems to come from a place of misunderstanding to me, admiring a lot of the parts of himself that he exaggerates and pretends to care about as a result of trauma. it always felt like a kid crush that they shouldve grown out of with time. dave also just sort of seems to... go along with whatever romantic relationships people push him into at that age, rolling with whoever flirts with him jsut bc hes trying to maintain the image of a player, so its really hard to take him seriously any time he hits on someone?

that is just my interpretation of it tho

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc?

well. i havent finished my reread of homestuck, so that feels difficult to comment on just yet, bc im sure ill have a different opinion when i do finish it. no one in dc gets character arc bc theyre all just undone immediately, so thats like. yeah. and in pjo the arcs are pretty weak bc 1) kids books and 2) RICK UNDOES THEM ALL. AUGH. regardless of all of this, i am going to say jason grace. he had a lot of development in like the last two hoo books, or maybe just like.... hints of how he couldve developed? promise? which rick immediately set fire to in toa when he killed him, but fUCKING WHATEVER. UGH.

anyway actually tho eleanor from the good place. bisexual icon. queen. probably one of the best character arcs of all time. the episode w her mom has some of the most powerful fucking dialogue ever and i think about it. all the time. i should rewatch the good place.....

[harrison-abbott]

PENICUIK (1996)

Davies called me with the details. It didn’t sound good. A boy had gone missing in one of the provincial towns. Penicuik. He’d been gone for four days and he was thirteen. Cases like this didn’t usually end well. But it was my duty to go and find him.  

So I got in the car and drove out of the city. The boy’s name was Tim Milton.  

I went to a high school in a provincial town as well. It was actually near this same motorway, only the other side of the city; I remember those apocalyptic bus rides each morning, drudging into hell. I fucking hated school and adolescence in general. And it contributed nothing to my being a detective. But, I’m sure most teenagers feel the same.

Penicuik, when I got there, was very similar to the town where I schooled. Industrial housing from the 1950s. A kind of gaunt collectivism. I was supposed to go down and see his parents first, Tim’s parents, to see what they had to say. But I wanted to go to the crime scene first. It wasn’t a ‘scene’ per se, as a collection of evidence. They’d found Tim’s hat in the woods. Football hat. In a spot near the river. The police sealed off this section and I had a rough area on a map as to the location.  

What I first noted this this was some distance from Penicuik. According to his neighbours and family Tim was last seen heading on a bike ride down to the woods, where he often went for journeys.  

I parked my car at the top of the woods and walked along the trail. It took me nearly half an hour to get to the river and I saw nobody as I went. The trail was pulpy with mud and I fumbled about with the map trying to find this cordoned area. The map was no use and I only found it when I stumbled on the yellow POLICE tape strung around a group of trees. I went under the tape.  

Okay … So it was close to the main trail. And, as I heard, close to the river. The most likely scenario was that somebody had attacked Tim here. And during the assault he lost his hat, and the panicky attacker or attackers didn’t notice it. But, what about the bike? Where was Tim’s bike? They’d obviously gone to the effort to hide the bike.  

I went down to the river bank and looked up and down. I followed its current. The bankside was gnarly and tricky to cross. I drank from my flask and it livened me up a bit: shouldn’t be so lazy. There was so much junk in the river it was crazy. All sorts of detritus. Supermarket trolleys and weird household items, TVs, binbags, footballs, everything. There were clearly dodgy histories in Penicuik.  

But then I found what I was looking for.  

The bicycle. It had been thrown in the river, as I’d expected. But had been snagged against a tree trunk by the riverside. Caught against the limbs. I went up and examined it. It was new and usable and boy’s size. The witnesses said he drove a white bike. It was white. I lifted it up and brought it dripping onto the bank.  

So the assailants threw the bike into the river, just as many Penicuik residents did with their un-wanted items. But what did they do with Tim after that? There was a reasonable chance he might be in the river too. I just had the sense that there was something else, other than the river. That Tim had been taken further into the woods. I kept going.

And I came to a bridge. 30 yards above me. I was drinking when I heard a noise. There were heads popped out in the sky atop the bridge. They were kids – teenagers like Tim. Hollering at me. I decided to ignore them and go on but when I came to the bridge I found that the river trail ended there and I wouldn’t be able to get past without jumping in the water. I hesitated, wondering what to do. Then a bottle smashed at my feet. I jumped cartoonishly. And all the boys on the bridge above laughed. I took a slug of whisky and went up the hill.  

I climbed over the fence at the top. There were four lads there on the bridge. Red-faced, drunk and grinning. They walked towards me.  

“What you doing creeping around in the woods, man?” the leader of the group said.

I looked over the area and realised I needed to cross the bridge to continue down the river. There was no other route. The lads kept approaching, confident; I walked towards them.  

“Why are you here anyway?” the leader said again.

“Here, lads,” I said, “I’m not interested in you. Leave me be.”

“Who are you?”

“I just need to get over this bridge and then I’ll be off.”

“Why?”

The leader lad lunged towards me and stood over my body. I’ve always been a small man and not physically terrifying. I flinched. And his cronies laughed.  

I took my pistol out of my holster. They froze when they saw the gun. Lifted it up and bullet into the air. And they all twitched. The gunpowder rang over the woods and the birds burst out of the trees. Then the boys all ran away along the trail.  

Jesus, kids can be so stupid. Fucking idiots.

Did those lads have something to do with Tim’s disappearance? They seemed arrogant in their territory. It was very possible; but I needed to keep going along the river. So I dipped off the main trail and drank along the way.  

The river had a hypnotic, cinematic quality to it. The way it changed light and sound. It made me feel more endangered than those kids or anybody else I’ve faced in my career. A sense of eeriness, as if I might fall in the water any second.  

At length I saw an urban shape over the water. It was some kind of tunnel. I got closer and stared up at it. It looked like some kind of sewage or industrial pipe. But it was obviously disused, as the metal was all rusted. And it just looked decades-old in style.  

I climbed up the bank-side towards it. Which was tricky; I clung to the ivy strands to pull myself up, and when I eventually got to the top was all sweaty and prickling. I approached the tunnel. Something about its image attracted me, as if it wasn’t a part of this case. Even though I knew it was.  

The tunnel had these spikes on the end of it. To stop people walking across the pipe. Next challenge. I held onto one of the spikes at the bottom, then jumped off the side. And, man, I was so unfit that I nearly ripped off the side. But I somehow managed to crawl up onto the surface of the pipe. It was still possible to fall off into the river below so I had to be careful.

I walked the length of the tunnel, looking for clues. I saw little save inscriptions of an old factory district in the city. NIDDRIE – where there was a booming steelwork back in the day. It went bust 20 years back. I’d forgotten about it until then.

At the end of the tunnel I had to jump over the other spikes. It was a goofy jump and I landed on my face but at least I got over. Then I looked at the other end of the tunnel. There was some kind of contraption on its vessel. On the underside of the tunnel, before the piping led back into the woodland ground. A door. A trapdoor that was sealed at the top with a padlock. Wow.  

I tried to open the trapdoor with my hands. It obviously wasn’t working. As I wrestled with it I heard a noise from inside the tunnel. It sounded at first like an animal. I couldn’t move the door. So I brought my pistol out again and I shot through the padlock. The padlock pinged away. I pulled the trapdoor open.

And now looked into a tunnel. Where something was screaming down it in sublime echo.  

It was dark. I turned my torch on and shone it down the cone.  

There was a little boy screeching at the end of it. His body raced about the walls of the tunnel like a confused spider. I put down the torch. And called out to him.

“I’m a policeman!”

The kid screamed.

“I’m a policeman, kid. Are you Tim Milton?”

Stupid question.

“Here, son,” I said, not knowing what else to do. I brought out a chocolate bar I had in my inside pocket. “You must be hungry and tired, right? I’m police and I’m here to get you back to your family. Do you want something to eat?”

The child nervously came down the tunnel.

“Did a group of boys take you here?” I said.

He nodded and his face scrunched up as if he was about to start crying. His face was bruised up. I didn’t want to touch him so I used my words.

“It’s all right, Tim, you’re safe now. Those boys won’t attack you again. And we’ll get them back. I just saw those fuckers up the path. I’ll get them. Arrest them, give them a charge.”

Then the boy started crying. He sobbed hysterically. I asked him to come out of the tunnel and he did so. And crouched there crying in a ball on the grass. But at least there was now green all around him.

Okay so I’d found Tim Milton and the case was essentially solved. He was going to be damaged for the rest of his life. A group of boys older and bigger than him had abducted him and trapped him in a weird tunnel in the woods. Probably for no reason other than sadism. This ranked fairly moderately on the spectrum of cruelty I’ve witnessed throughout my profession.

Tim sat up on the floor. I held the chocolate out to him. And he took it. He ate it. He chomped greedily and it was satisfying to hear his jowls work.  

I put a call through to the team back at the head quarters. Asked them to put me through to Davies.

“I’ve found him,” I said. “Tim Milton is still alive.”

THE END

[smallskinnylittletiny]

The fuck kind of name is Milton?? If a storm destroys my house it better not have some weakass name like Milton.

Real