#the first time merlin saved arthur and the last time he didn't :)

[its-hyperfixation]

“and in the end, all i learned was how to be strong alone.”

my love, happy 3 years of friendship, and what an incredible 3 years it has been. honestly 3 years feels too short yet too long to describe the time we've known each other. 3 years ago on this day, i made one of the best decisions of my life and texted this super cool girl on tumblr who had a bunch of the same interests as me. little did i know you would become a light in my life, my sunshine. i love you so much, happy talking day @bellamyblakru <3

[1shadowhole]

I'd like to join in on the "_ fell first, _ fell harder" debate because I have been seeing many posts which argue that Merlin fell first and Arthur fell harder and... Ah ah ah ah. No. No that is not what happened.

Arthur fell the moment this twink with an attitude came to him and called his ass out. No one aside from Morgana has ever dared SASS him in his life and it made him find out some things about himself. Whereas Merlin saw an asshole and said: "What a bitch" and tried to punch him. Arthur liked that. Merlin didn't like Arthur sending him to the dungeons.

In the first episodes, Merlin is keeping him safe because of destiny, while Arthur is willing to trust him (ep. 2) save his life after a magic confession (ep. 3), and give his life (ep.4).

Arthur fell first.

By the time season five arrives Merlin is lost. He hasn't just fallen for Arthur. He has dug himself a hole so deep he can't see the bottom just that he can fall that much harder. He is quite simply obsessed with keeping Arthur safe and happy. Not for his destiny (which he has by now completely forgotten) but for Arthur.

There is no one else in his mind but his King, so much so that in the first episode of the last season he would not think twice before leaving all his knight friends to die, if it meant bringing Arthur to Camelot safe and away for Morgana. He gives up his and thousands of people's life and freedom for Arthur. This guy is completely gone for Arthur and can't think about anyone else.

On the other hand, Arthur CAN and does think about others... Gwen, his knights, and his people, even if he values Merlin "above all others".

So Arthur fell first. But Merlin fell harder.

Dat's how I see it anyway, feel free to disagree 💪

[escespace]

Merthur prompt

Or rather, a long concept that has been going around in my head since I saw a tiktok but that I don't have the energy or time to write:

BUT LISTEN TO ME, I HAVE NOT FOUND ANYTHING LIKE THAT:

The king who seeks his warlock, the warlock who seeks his king. Two halves trying to become a whole again through two parallel growth journeys and a convergence between duty and hope.

So...

Merlin pretends to be heading for Camelot but he definitely isn't going there. I mean, IT'S THE KINGDOM KNOWN FOR ROAST BUNNY ON FIRE SEASONED WITH SORCERERS (he loved his mother but is that woman out of her mind?!)... However, he understands why she came up with the idea and agrees that his magical outbursts are becoming harder to conceal, so he wants to seek help (other than that of an ex-sorcerer who remains under the command of the chief butcher of his kind). He wants to find druids but he knows it will be a difficult journey, druids never stay in one place long enough and they distrust outsiders. Either way, he's already made up his mind and he never backs down when he does that.

Meanwhile Arthur's taking Morris to Gaius because the idiot moved at the last minute while he was practicing throwing knives.And it's totally his fault and not Arthur's. How dare him doubt the ability of his prince? Ha! As if Arthur could fail.

He knows he's going to be late for the banquet and his father will look at him in that way he does and well, it better not be that late, right? So he takes other routes and somehow ends up near where that magnificent entertainment is staying, that Morgana kept talking about but that he didn't listen to at all...

He hears the commotion in one of the rooms and ends up stopping a crime and finds evidence of a possible assassination attempt on the royal family. More or less, Arthur stops the whole fiasco with Lady Helen before it happens.

While they take her to the dungeons to burn her the next morning, she growls, attacks and curses the Pendragon ancestors... Above all, that night Arthur does not stop listening to her again and again claiming for the life of her son, burned that same morning :

«It wasn't Him, it was my magic, it wasn't Him »

And for the first time in his life Arthur asked himself a question related to magic...

Weeks go by and for Merlin things may not be going the way he thought they would. He has been living on just one meal a day and sometimes manages to pick up work in passing villages in exchange for lodging for a couple of nights; but mostly he tries to stay in the woods. It's not that he know much about living off the wild, but He has been through tough times before, not big deal, and for some reason there's something very comforting about being constantly surrounded by nature too.

Almost any discomfort would be acceptable if it weren't for the freaking unicorn that never stops following him. And aren't they supposed to be a sign of good fortune or something? Then why has it been the cause of all his calamities so far? First the overestimated horse tore one of his shirts while dragging him across the grass, and it's not like he's in a position to lack of anything without having money and with the cold nights he usually faces. Then the animal he fought with him until push him into a river whose watercourse rolled him around like a lady's garment during the wash. The last encounter ended when I lead Merlin towards some bandits Merlin did what he could. He knocked most of them down, causing branches to fall on them and their feet to get caught in roots. But one managed to get close enough to knock him until leaving him confounded, then the others who were not so bruised joined in the beating and Merlin could do nothing.

Intense emotions, deep reflections on his identity and self-worth until he is finally saved by an blonde woman. The lady said at most three words and all the bandits fell asleep.

An exchange of words that I can't come up with but ends with the woman telling him that she didn't do it for free, that he should pay with her neckerchief. Merlin doesn't understand but he's hurt and tired so he no protest

(Pause to say that in defense of the unicorn, he was just looking to steer Merlin in the direction of his destiny coughcoughArthurcoughcough, and Merlin didn't make it easy for him)

Days later the thing with Valiant and nobody suspects anything, nobody is there to save the ass of our favorite brat. But a Old lady follows him around like a duck all morning treating him like a adorable and helpful young man (much as a grandma style) until he bends to accept a ☆favor☆, yes that one... You and I know where she got it, Arthur doesn't and he doesn't know how unique and special that little piece of cloth can be.

No one sees anything strange in this favor because the old woman gave it to him in a very public place and everyone assumes that the prince is just being chivalrous

But the scarf ends up being what protects Arthur from Valiant's shield just because I say so and the magic of fiction stories and Merlin and his neckerchiefs have a special connection so its essence or whatever is still there

The story would extend to the first encounters between Merlin and the druids, Merlin and his father (a meeting before time to give them their due quality time and badass moments). He having the opportunity to forge his own identity and an independent path. On the other hand, Arthur discovering aspects of magic on his own to create his own criteria and value system. HE COULD EVEN BE THE FIRST TO TALK TO THE GREAT DEAGON!!!!

Forget that, Arthur is definitely the first to talk to the great dragon and learn of the prophecy. And listening to how it sounds, without many details and as critical as only Kilgharrah can be, plus the fact that he is only told about a certain Emrys and not about if is a wizard or witch or sorcerer or him or her...he comes to the same conclusion as us: That Emrys is his other half, "SHE" IS HIS SOULMATE... Oh man when they meet...

[merlins-strawberriesandroses]

TO be honest. I don’t understand what it means when people say Merlin was Arthur’s bane. Mayhaps I misunderstand but. Arthur was a bit of an assassination magnet (not to mention all those magical creatures and bandits... so many bandits), and Merlin actively prevented Arthur's death for years, which would have occured without him anway in the very first episode. I can see why one might argue that Merlin was just delaying the inevitable, or that he didn't succeed in keeping Arthur safe until Arthur could enact the golden age, but certainly I don’t see how he could have been Arthur’s bane.

Also, it’s implied in the last episode that the golden age does occur, but under Guinevere. Which makes sense as she knew Merlin was the sorcerer and that she was pleased about it (and I recall it was confirmed in interviews), so I also don’t follow the twin train of thought that Merlin was his own bane or even Camelot’s. Camelot was already bane-d(?) under Uther. But partly because of Merlin's steady friendship, Arthur matured into a king who was kinder than his father. He also actively sought magic's aid on multiple occasions, so he knew magic had potential for good (like healing his queen) without Merlin needing to tell him about his magic.

I don't think it's fair to say Camelot's laws on magic remaining relatively static was because no one close to Arthur came out as having magic. There was still much risk in that, and for Merlin a lot at stake, not just his life. A law change was still possible (and almost seemed to be set up that way) without Arthur needing someone he was personally close to having to do the work to humanize it for him (in the sense that the episodes with the druids, the druid boy with Elyan, and the dolma seemed like they were pointing to a law change because Arthur sees the diversity of magic and those who have it).

At worst Merlin’s efforts didn’t change the status quo, but we do have things indicating that they did. And Merlin was not single-mindedly serving Arthur at the expense of everyone else. He saved Camelot as a whole multiple times. He was also very willing to stick out his neck for many others even during the height of his anxiety and agitation in season 5. (Also only being slightly silly when I say this, but he was also THE wingman for Arthur when he was getting with Gwen, so in a way Merlin’s help led to their courting being a success and thus contributed to her being in a great position to change the laws. so personally I give points to Merlin for that). Most of the decisions centering Arthur's safety seemed to stem from the fear that Albion would crumble before it began if Arthur were to die, so he tried his best to prevent that from happening in any way he knew. (Like, when Arthur is dying, Merlin asks "So I failed?" regarding the whole golden age thing, which I think is telling that the prophesy and his role in it was still VERY much at the forefront of Merlin's mind).

And this is a digression but I know people think Merlin should have done more for Camelot, or for folks with magic (like, as a revolutionary or something akin), which I understand but no one reached out to network with him really? It'd require resources, people (always confused why there weren't a whole bunch more folks offering Merlin material/intellectual/emotional support if they thought he should be the one to bring about the golden age. all he was told was that the forseen way it actually happens succesfully is through Arthur), time (I doubt it’d have been much of a ‘quicker’ way necessarily), and incredible planning + foresight if it's meant to be something that works out effectively + long-term. Okay I think I've digressed enough now. This is a whole seperate thought that I don't think I'm gonna do any justice here lol, and I'm already rambling, so I'll stop now :,)

But anyway, in terms of being his own or Arthur’s bane, we know Arthur will return, and we don’t know how Merlin spent his years. His magic can play with time and maybe he learns how to control that, or he could have entered a stasis like in various legends, etc etc etc. And I mean it is tragic on many levels, and it’s sad we didn’t see Arthur’s arc completed, and that Merlin sacrificed so much for a goal that didn't get much acknowledgment by the show at the end, but still. I don’t think Merlin was Arthur’s bane, or Camelot’s, or his own.

[ellllsia]

My take on the last episode of Merlin

Here's my take on the last moments between Merlin and Arthur after the battle of Camlann because I am seemingly too obssessed and I need someone to hear me out/ discuss this with. Sadly my entourage is not very familiar with the show 😔. So here it is for whoever is willing to read this.

"Why did you never tell me ?"

"I didn't want to put you in that position"

"That's what worried you ?"

This conversation was so hard to watch, Arthur asking that question means that he still sees him as a friend even though by this point he's still confused about the whole situation. But he cares to know why his best friend of 10 years never told him such an important truth about who he is. He cares to understand. He's been mostly silent and withdrawn and I like to think he wasn't afraid for long, but rather hurt obvisously and overly very sad and betrayed. But mostly he cared to know why Merlin thought he couldn't or even shouldn't tell Arthur about his magic. And once Merlin tells him he didn't want him to be put in that position, Arthur probably is generally going 'this idiot always putting others first to the point he denies who he is for the sake to not put his friend in a position where he will be hurt and confused to the point he doesn't know what to do'. And the he asks the question that haunts me at night, Merlin gives him the speech and the whole "I was born to serve you" .That's when it has finally dawned on him that this man hovering over him right now is no powerful sorcerer, no evil martermind who snuck into the castle, no traitor, it's just... Merlin. His idiotic, self sacrificial, beyond loyal friend.

"I'm not going to change now."

"I don't want you to change. I want you…to always…be you"

This right here altered my brain chemistry forever. But i specifically want to focus on the way Arthur says it: "I want you to all ways be you". Again, might just be me reading too much into it, I mean poor man was on the verge of dying, he can't be speaking properly but it is how I hear it. Therefore, I can"t help but think that it is just his own way of reassuring Merlin that even if he know the truth now, nothing changes for him, he still sees him as his dearest friend. The only friend he has and can't bare to lose him. It was maybe also more for him to vocalise his acceptance out loud. In the end It feels amazing to give in to his hopes, his doubts, his sentiments about magic. It's not evil, because if Merlin is born of it, it can only be wonderful. So yes, Arthur accepts Merlin fully with all his jokes, his clumsiness, his kind heart and his mighty powers.

"Everything you've done. I know now."

All i want to say is Athur, my dear you don't know half of it; and it's cruel because even if Merlin doesn't seek any credit, he deserved to be able to tell those tails of how he singlehandedly saved all the knights all of Camelot and Arthur numerous times. He was captured, stabbed, poisoned, punched, left to die alone in the middle of the forest. He could have told how he watched his father die right in front of him and couldn't even grieve properly, because he couldn't be revealed to even know the man let alone be his son. He watched his lover die in his arms and again couldn't speak of her because he would be beheaded if anyone came to know he had just laid eyes one her. He could have told Arthur about how he poisoned Morgana, freed Kilgharrah, caused his father's death, and manipulated him into thinking that he was the cause of his mother's death even after he learnt the truth. Merlin deserved to tell him all this and let him process it on his own to be freed from the weight of the lies and the guilt and the secrecy. And Arthur deserved to know.

"I want to say something I've never said to you before. "

"Thank you"

Now this is self explanatory, but it brought me some joy, like very little, but it also broke me because for all those years, Arthur thought his friendship with Merlin was quite equal in a sense. As in Arthur is the prince who lets his manservant do whatever he wants, say whatever he wants, and be however he would like. Merlin did protect him, help him, serve him but first and formeost he was his friend. And Arthur treated him as more than he ever was, protecting him, sending out search parties for him, a servant. He always thought they managed to trespass and see past the power imbalance in their relationship. But here he is, realising he actually never treated Merlin, his closest friend, the way he deserved, never properly thanked him for the sacrifice, for the life he had to lead whilst in Camelot, for everything he has endured and more. But he felt helpless, he was dying and there wasn't much he could do, so he opted to try and express his gratitude. Though words could never amount to truly convey hiw sentiments but he still managed to say it with assurance; Thank you.

And thanks for reading this, I know it's probably very silly but it has been torturing me for years and I just wanted to talk about this with someone and I finally got the courage to just do it so here it is 😊.

[sundry-whovengerslocked]

Snow and Dirty Rain (Merlin)

Richard Silken, "Snow and Dirty Rain" // BBC Merlin

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4

-

it's finally here! the fourth and final part!!!

this one was hard, I had the most trouble with the last three pictures. I really wanted to include Elena and Mithian as well as Geoffrey, but they just... didn't really fit. it was objectively awful. sorry for that. so I reached out to @shana-rosee , and they threw me a few ideas! it was their call to have Geoffrey last - and they might not have realized it, but it turned out great for the symbolism, as I'll point out below. so thank you for that! (/gen) but yeah, today it was just bugging me and I NEEDED to get it done, and I think it turned out pretty good!

so the first image is alluding to part 3, where the line "if this isn't a kingdom, i don't know what is" is assigned to Arthur. for "the hunter's heart" I had the unicorn horn, because it showed that Arthur was pure of heart. for "the hunter's mouth" I had Leon, (yay! Leon!) because he's Arthur's advisor, and speaks for him.

I was DETERMINED to get Leon, Hunith, and Gaius in this one, and I'm so glad I did.

Tristan and Isolde have their line to represent, honestly, what they did in the show - a reflection of Merlin and Arthur, and how their great love (filled with magic, secrets, and war), ends in tragedy.

Hunith and Gaius are there to represent "the space between the trees", as they are Merlin's sanctuary, his parental figures, the ones who know about his magic and love him - not in spite of, but for it. and of course I had to have Gaius casting a spell for the gold line!

for the last three, it got a little complicated, but I figured it out.

for "the words frozen," I did the moment that Arthur and Merlin became officially forever connected - when Uther assigned Merlin as Arthur's servant after he saved his life. the knife in the throne, the speechless moment that followed.

for "the creatures frozen.", I had the most difficult time with. Shana suggested the Lamia, which was a great idea, but I didn't think that it quite fit with the rest. so instead, I did Dragoon at Camlann. that lightning is the moment that even a fraction of Merlin's true power is shown. Dragoon is representative of Merlin being allowed to be his true self, and the consequences that come with it. Merlin can literally freeze creatures using his words - a la spells, or, more fitting, dragonspeak. people also freeze in terror or awe at the very mention of the name Emrys. so yeah, I think it worked out quite well!

and lastly, for "Explaining will get us nowhere." as i said, Shana suggested Geoffrey here, likely because of his love of the library. that reason was actually why I considered putting him under "the words frozen," but I realized putting him last was much better. why?

well, because Geoffrey of Monmouth was a real person. who, you ask, exactly is he? well, just "one of the major figures in the development of British historiography and the popularity of tales of King Arthur." yeah, in case you didn't know, Geoffrey the record keeper in BBC Merlin was an allusion to the man who helped carry Arthur's tale throughout the years.

so, why "explaining will get us nowhere?" well, because, if you accept BBC's Merlin as the true canon, then Geoffrey recorded it wrong! lol.

(in line with this, if you haven't read it already, go read @katherynefromphilly 's We Begin Again series. it's absolutely incredible, well worth the long read, and will leave you wanting more! in a good way, I promise. in it, Merlin in the present day goes out of his way to fix everything history got wrong, and it's incredible. also I distinctly remember there being fish in little pond things indoors, which was a super cute detail.)

-

so, that's the last of my Snow and Dirty Rain/Merlin series. I went a little overboard explaining things, but it was just so fun finding and linking the symbolism!! I hope you all enjoyed!

(p.s. I'm planning to make more of Snow and Dirty Rain, but with twelveclara/whouffaldi from Doctor Who. if you're interested in that or other things I make, check out my richard siken or original post tags in my blog.)

[princess-of-morkva]

For the wip game: 1. break of mind control s3 morgana bracelet

so this is the third time I'm trying to answer this and hope tumblr doesn't delete it all again 🥲

essentially, my personal headcanon is that the bracelet Morgause gave to Morgana is some sort of mental influence. Even canonically, it dampens her ability to see the future, which is already some kind of meddling with her mind. Morgana sees it as a good thing at the time - not being plagued by visions of Camelot's destruction every night. But isn't that suspicious? As soon as Morgause enters the story, first thing she does is cut off Morgana's visions. Visions that would usually warn her of ploys against her own kingdom and her friends. While Morgause is actively planning a full blown attack on Camelot, using Morgana in her plan without her full knowledge.

But then, the bracelet does nothing against the dream of Gwen's coronation. Yknow. The thing that Morgause uses to convince Morgana to turn on the only person in Camelot she had previously no qualms with?

And who's to say this is where the bracelet's influence ends?

Already in season two, we start seeing Morgana's views radicalise after episode 8, where she first obtains the bracelet. It's subtle and not as noticeable as in s3, and that's the thing.

To be clear, I don't think that Morgause directly controls Morgana through the bracelet or that it has full control over her mind. I do think, however, that it influences her emotions and perhaps even memory. Not in a way that changes it completely, but rather subtly and overtime latches onto certain feelings and infuses those, changing the emotional significance of a memory or idea. It latches onto already existing ideas and feelings, and blows them out of proportion.

That is to say, i absolutely don't think it's the only way Morgana was influenced. She spent over a year with Morgause, directly after a very traumatic event and betrayal of a friend, leaving her extremely vulnerable and easy to influence. I don't even think Morgause ever told her what actually happened with the poisoning - the way she talks to Merlin about it in ep1 of s3 paints a picture as if she believes he did it out of assumption that her magic was somehow to blame, with her denouncing magic in front of him and talking of it's evil, when trying to gain his trust. And why would Morgause tell her? This was a perfect opportunity, to tell Morgana how no one in Camelot is to be trusted, and even those she believes to be her friends would turn on her without hesitation the second her magic comes up. It is a thought that canonical Morgana definitely held, coming up multiple times in s3 and s4 before the imprisonment made her lose all the last shreds of rationality she had (at the end of season 4 she's angry and she's afraid, but she's still human and still has her beliefs and her voice shakes when she tells Arthur as did I and you made it perfectly clear how you feel about me and my kind. in season 5, it's I want him dead).

I think that Morgause had the most perfect opportunity for indoctrination during that year. Planting hate and distrust and fueling anger in Morgana's mind. Solidifying the belief she's the only one Morgana can trust (Morgause clearly wasn't above such manipulation. We're talking about a woman who uses the figure of a dead mother to drive a person into killing his own father).

I believe that the bracelet only helped intensify already existing feelings and help Morgause's teachings settle in, taking precedence over Morgana's own preexisting beliefs.

As in, when she thinks of Arthur, she doesn't see the boy she grew up with and who constantly risked his life to save their people. But she sees all the times she got angry at his inaction, when he didn't stand up against Uther or dismissed Morgana's warnings and now to her, he's simply Uther's obedient son, one who will follow in his steps.

As in when she thinks of Camelot, she thinks not of it's people and servants and children in the streets whom she always thought to protect, and who loved her in return as they would love a princess. But she thinks of fire and smell of burning flesh and gallows and paralysing fear and dungeons and red capes and people chased out of their homes and she's angry and rightfully so, and she wants to bring change and damn the consequences, as she once said.

And she will not remember happy afternoons with Gwen and flowers on her bedside table and smiles, for that is of no consequence when her anger is so much larger now than any happiness she may have once felt.

This is the idea, in short.

So by now, I actually have a few drafts which explore the idea of the bracelet losing it's hold on Morgana somewhere during season 3, for multitude of reasons. In one, she has a mental breakdown and manages to accidentally tune it out for it's duration, because of overflowing emotions of different kinds and confusion that they bring. In other, the bracelet falls of her wrist during the accident with her head injury. In the last one, it was during an argument with Gwen (remember that time she very rudely dismisses her in s3? I decided to expand on that a little). Maybe I'll post one of them some day

this little fucker

[chipinabag]

It's starts with a coin, they are rare in his time not because of the magic in the world, but because of the population of the world.(there is about 1 every 100.) he is given his first one when kilgharah tells him of his destiny. Of course when he asks he is only given a riddle as an answer. A riddle he figures out only after he is holding Arthur's dead body. He carries that one around his neck with a leather cord to keep it there.

A coin is floating over nimuah's body after she is struck by lightning, he often questions if it is because he killed her or because he masters the power of life and death. He collects it anyways.

A coin is around Cornelius Segan's neck with a gold chain when merlin fights him, he manages to grab it before he kills him.

Freya gives him one during her final moments with merlin.

His father gives him a coin with a silver chain, while he dies. Merlin now keeps that one on and arthur one day relizes where he got that chain but he doesn't asks questions he just gives merlin a silver chain and tells him (more like orders) to swap the leather cord for the silver one.

When he meets gwaine he noticed a silver chain around his neck with a crescent moon, a ring and a coin but he doesn't ask for it he is too distracted by saving gwaine's life. He never asks about it, but he does sorta eyes the chain every once in a while.

Lancelot is given one during his time with Percival but sadly gives merlin it when he relizes that he is going to sacrifice himself for merlin. He doesn't know why but it feels right to give it to merlin. He guesses it will help merlin with his destiny in the future.

Mordred gives him one when he becomes a knight hoping it will get him on merlin's good side. (It does not) later on when he is dying on the sandy planes of camlann he smirks at the thought of the coin he has given Emrys and when his fate lies ahead now that he has stabbed the once and future king.

A coin floats over morgana's dead body after merlin stabs her and arthur watches as the coin floats to merlin and merlin grabs it. "We are finally at peace." Again merlin doesn't know why he is given the coin, for killing a high priestess or because he has killed morgana and brought peace.

Arthur now relizes that he is going to die it his last moments with merlin. He manages to grab the chain around his neck and puts it in merlin's hand when he says "thank you". He doesn't know if it was because he was dying but it felt right and his body felt light as he closes his eyes.

Merlin now relizes what the coins mean and what kilgharah's riddles means.

Gaius gives him a coin after merlin comes back from avalon and has earned the title of court physician. That night Gaius passes in his sleep, merlin now carries that coin with his father's coin.

His mother said that she was given the coin when she gave birth to him. She gives it him as he holds her hand as she passes.

Percival gives him the necklace that gwaine wore right before he goes on a patrol mission. Merlin tries to give it back, begging him to take it back. Telling him he will die if gives him the necklace. Percival smiles and pulls him into a hug, "I know." He says into merlin's neck. Merlin was quiet after his tears stopped. He is silent during the knights death ceremony.

Leon and Gwen both died in their sleep both giving him a coin. Leon was given his after he was saved by the druids. Gwen was given by her brother before he died. She didn't relize she had it after she was released from morgana's spell. She cried over her brother that night with arthur to comfort her.

Merlin, now alone, leaves camelot and spends a couple of decades in his hut by the lake of avalon.

He tries to throw the coins into the lake but he wakes up wet and the coins where they had were previously.

He is mugged for them multiple times, but he wakes up alone, bloody and the coins in his pouch and around his neck.

When he burned he returned back from the ashes again with the coins.

As years go by he becomes anything that would get him close to people. Not because he wants to but because he has to. He needs the coins.

physician,

teacher,

Student,

painter ,

poet ,

lover,

whore,

robber,

cop,

Bank teller,

Book store owner,

Centuries has passed by and the coins are even more rare as before, over time they became more and more harder to find. Now not because of population but because of magic in the world. Now it maybe 1 in 5,000 people have a coin.

He had time and the magic (though not as strong as before) to help him achieve his goal.

Time passes he now only needs one more, one more to finally join his friends in avalon. One More and he can leave this world and move on.

The time has come and merlin has bumped into someone and he feels it. He feels the coin on this person. He looks up to apologize he stubbles back and lands on his ass.

This man. He has seen this man. In his dreams. In his nightmares reminding him of his failures. Of his destiny.  His other half.

"Watch where your going you clumsy idiot, do you know who I am?"

Merlin now confused and now exciting where this final life with this reincarnated arthur will take him, but he is excited.

"No, but I know that your a pompous prat!"

[astraea802]

Merlin "Rewatch" w/ Mom -- 5x10

("Rewatch" here meaning "Mostly first time watch, but with the knowledge of what happens.)

First of all: WHAT THE HECK WAS UP WITH THAT HORRIFIC FACE DISFIGUREMENT THING AT THE END?? I've never seen ANYONE discuss how messed up that is, and they SHOULD. I know this aired in the same time slot as Doctor Who, but Mom and I were NOT prepared.

Second of all: Uggghhhh

We're coming into the final three episodes.

Mom doesn't want to know what's coming, but knows it won't end well. She suspects Arthur's going to die (but we all know it's the execution that's the real kicker).

I will say, I was surprised Season 5 has actually had a lot of nice moments I never knew. It's a little moodier than I'd like, and Merlin as a character makes me sad, but there's still some nice comedy and character moments. Like Arthur saving that woman from being burned at the stake, that was so good! (Maybe it's easier for me to appreciate certain scenes knowing what's going to happen? I'm not as tense?)

(It also helps I sat out The Disir and The Dark Tower since I was walking the dog. I don't know I could have bore either without spoiling the finale out of pure frustration)

Mom's been just absorbing it all. She's had a lot of questions, like:

Mom: Why did Aithusa join Morgana? Me: We don't know. They never told us. 😒

Mom: (after The Dark Tower) How did Gwen turn evil? Me: Magic. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Mom: Oh, for gods sake! 🤦‍♀️

Mom: When do they find out about that bracelet Morgana gave Gwen to make her love Lancelot? Me: They don't. 😤 Mom: ...Are you kidding??

The deaths have been a little tougher this season, especially Elyan's. She liked the Dolma, but rolled her eyes a bit at Merlin trying to "act like a woman" instead of just getting on with curing Gwen. And she was NOT happy with Uther's ghost (who was??) or Gaius telling on Merlin and endangering Finna.

But god... watching Merlin's struggles, I just keep thinking, what was the point of it all?

There's so much back and forth the whole season, the whole series really, about destiny and duty and following your heart, and I just... what's the moral here? Follow destiny and get screwed? Follow your heart and still get screwed? It's good to know prophecies and Merlin just didn't know how to handle it? It's bad to know prophecies because you cause them to happen? If that was the case, why did Finna die to pass that last prophecy on? Also, you deserve to die, even when you haven't done anything wrong, because a prophecy says you will? You have choice? You never had one? Some will say the point is "the friends we made along the way", or there doesn't need to be a moral, but there's just no consistency, except whatever keeps the drama going.

It doesn't help that, except for the Camlann prophecy, we never actually hear any of the other prophecies everyone talks about. So we never know for sure if the problem was a misinterpretation of the prophecies in terms of what the Golden Age looked like, or if Merlin failed because of his choices, or if he was ALWAYS going to fail no matter what he did, or if he even failed at all! Because the dragon tells him he didn't in the end, but it doesn't make much sense.

Did the writers even know? They have admitted in interviews they were working nonstop on the show for five years, at grueling pace, so I forgive them for being fuzzy, but it seems like the show's moral code and prophecy lore really depended on who was writing the episode that week.

What I've always loved about Harry Potter is that while prophecies exist, the power of choice is emphasized. Prophecies can be, and often are, misinterpreted. Not every prophecy in the Department of Mysteries was ever fulfilled, so destiny is not the be-all end-all. It's made very clear that it's whether you act on prophecies or not that matters. The characters' beliefs and convictions still matter. It's consistent, it's clean, and it leaves the characters' agency.

In Merlin... you can interpret it a million different ways and still be wrong. And maybe part of the issue is that while Harry agrees to be the Chosen One since he already wanted Voldemort dead, Merlin's heart and destiny are so often divided. And that's what makes it so darn frustrating. And why I believe they gave Merlin too much of a burden for one person. No "almost" about it.

(We'll see if I revisit this after the finale)

[serendipity8832]

Favorite merlin headcanons: Arthur is actually very smart and Arthur figured out merlin has magic

Now picture this: Arthur connects the dots on day Zero. This peasant he's never seen before shows up in Camelot talking some big game about "I can take you apart in less than that," proves completely inept at physical combat, and then by some insane twist of fate Arthur's flail gets tangled in some chains right before he was going to teach this idiot a lesson. Only, remember, Arthur himself is not an idiot. He saw the flash of gold in the peasant boy's eyes. He knows exactly what happened. And his first instinct is to frog march the boy to be judged by his father. But as the people around him start to laugh at his "bad luck" he realizes none of them have noticed what he did, and for a moment he's actually impressed at the gall this magic idiot had to waltz up to the most magic-intolerant place in the known world and immediately challenge the crown prince to combat he couldn't possibly hope to win without the aid of said magic. And that moment lasts just long enough for the boy to scramble away. Now Arthur could easily track him down and bring him to justice, but he reasons that if he was able to figure it out that easily the boy will get himself caught sooner or later, and it might be more fun to watch his idiotic bumbling in the meantime.

Fast forward to the feast where Merlin saves Arthur's life and Uther all of a sudden decides to assign Merlin as Arthur's manservant. Arthur is losing his fucking mind because on the one hand the boy is most definitely a sorcerer and sorcerors are evil, but on the other he did just technically save Arthur's life, and on the third hand Arthur feels responsible for Merlin's presence in the castle in the first place because he didn't turn him in when he had the chance so really it's all Arthur's fault isn't it? Oh God. So Arthur decides to keep his mouth shut and not tell his father that the boy who will now be closer to Arthur than anyone else in the castle is guilty of crimes punishable by death, and he also decides not to tell Merlin that he knows about his magic because there's a good chance that if the peasant sorcerer thinks Arthur poses any sort of threat he'll rescind the extension he granted on Arthur's life and he'll find himself dead in his bed the next morning. Cue however many years of Arthur trying to keep the rest of the court, especially his father, from discovering Merlin's magic while also trying to find a good time to tell Merlin that he does in fact know but hey listen he's not going to do anything about it, doesn't Merlin see how Arthur's been protecting him all these years? And uh oh, what's that? Now there are FEELINGS? For his manservant, the PEASANT SORCERER?? seriously what did Arthur do to deserve this. At least nobody else in the castle has magic 🫤

[albentelisa]

Hi!

Here's an interesting idea. What if Jim had actually been born a member of the Arcane Order, but eventually switched sides like Nari due to Bellroc and Skreal resurrecting Arthur who he couldn't stand?

Well, I'm rather fond of a juvenile deity archetype, so...

In this AU, Jim was born (well, more like 'created' by the Arcane Order) during the times when the Arcane Order started giving up on humanity. He was meant to be a 'judge' kind of deity (his element is lightning), so he is capable of destroying humanity - back then, the Order was reluctant to unleash the titans and overwrite the world, so creating someone who would correct mistakes of the world they created, seemed like a better solution.

Jim was still a child (despite being several centuries old) during the Camelot times, and his views about the world were pretty much black and white. He was deadset that humanity was bad and should be eliminated (like it was his role to do that eventually) and Arthur was pretty much the embodiment of all the worst traits humans possessed. Jim not only couldn't stand him, he absolutely loathed Arthur (well, Merlin as well, but we'll reach that point later).

Nari's betrayal hit Jim a lot, but unlike Bellroc and Skrael, he was absolutely convinced that humans had deceived and corrupted her. He wanted to 'save' her from them. Moreover, when Bellroc and Skrael resurrected Arthur, claiming it was for the better outcome, Jim got his own idea about what exactly had happened. From his point of view, Bellroc and Skrael had also fallen and were manipulated by Arthur. So Jim planned to escape and save his family.

And, at first, he didn't manage to escape, unlike Nari. Jim may know a lot about the Arcane Arts (way above even skilled wizards), but it's still below the level of any adult Arcane Order member, not to mention that he has no outside allies (unlike Nari who went to Merlin). So he was brought back and scolded - several times actually as he kept making attempts, adjusting his plans each time.

Jim comes to the conclusion that Bellroc and Skrael can track his magic signature, and attempts to mask it. It backfires and Jim somehow ends up in the body of a mortal human kid around five years old. It's when Barbara and James find him.

At that point, Jim thinks that his outright humiliating position won't last for long and that he can revert it (spoiler - he can't). He doesn't care that much about any cover story, and he just picks James's name (as any name would do, honestly, and he isn't that versed in human names). Initially, Jim ends up in the police and after a lot of misfortunes (and nobody being able to locate his family) Barbara talks James into adopting Jim.

James, however, doesn't like Jim at all (well, simply because Jim is uncannily creepy). The dislike is mutual, to be honest. On the other hand, Jim takes a liking to Barbara (to the point that he is willing to admit that there is ONE good human in the world). James and Barbara start to drift away, and James leaves(though, to be honest it would happen in any case).

Meanwhile, Jim tries to get his deity form and powers back without any success. The only good thing is that Bellroc and Skrael can't find him now (so he technically got what he wanted). Jim befriends Toby (and good human status goes to the second person), then he gets attached to Nana... The list keeps expanding (including his eventual crush on Claire) and Jim starts to genuinely appreciate his mortal life.

Growing up as a mortal human gives Jim another perspective, and he realizes that Nari actually tried to save the world when she ran away. Now Jim feels he should try to find a way to create a world where humans and magical creatures can coexist. However, he still thinks that Bellroc and Skrael are manipulated by Arthur.

No one knows Jim's secret though. He doesn't believe that sharing his secret will change a thing.

And then the amulet happens - which is, surprisingly, a lot. Jim has nothing against trolls (he's supposed to be magical creatures' protector), but being Merlin's champion is the bitter pill to swallow. Jim tries to tinker with the amulet a bit to break any connection it may have with Merlin (especially 'for the glory of Merlin' command - that one is like a major insult to Jim). Unfortunately for him, the amulet is more connected to stones' magic which is more of Nari and Bellroc's domain. Jim simply doesn't have enough knowledge, which leads to the amulet malfunctioning for him a lot - he might know enough not to break it for good, but it still lacking to make it function like intended).

When the lightning hits Jim during the incident with stalking, he recovers some of his control over electricity. Blinky mistakes it for Jim having some wizard ancestry. And Jim wonders if he can fully reverse his curse (as he feels he could do more in his original body).

Angor's curse doesn't work on Jim, which makes him curious. Angor deduces that Jim has to be a more powerful being, but he keeps the knowledge to himself. Later he makes a deal with Jim - and Jim agrees to liberate him as he feels sorry for Angor. From that point, Angor Rot is Jim's secret ally - and he fakes putting a binding spell on Barbara.

Angor also 'accidentally' drops the shadow staff as a handicap. Claire picks it up. Angor warns Jim that shadow magic is dangerous and corruptive, but Jim dismisses the warning (he has seen Morgana, but somehow missed her unstable state).

Angor gets his soul back in this AU and Jim captures Strickler (he talks him into changing sides eventually. However, Jim still goes to the Darklands alone - simply because he believes he shouldn't needlessly endanger any of his allies (and everyone will give piece of their mind about it later).

Much like in the canon, Jim gets Enrique out but gets captured and the bridge is destroyed. As Aaarrrgghh never temporarily dies here, Angor is the one who offers his body as a vessel for Kanjigar (as having no soul for some time made him a fitting candidate for a medium.)

Gunmar is still out, and eventually, the time comes to contact Merlin. It's something that Jim is heavily against. Merlin is on his shit list, much like Arthur. Jim begrudgingly agrees in the end, but only after Claire gets possessed by Morgana.

Speaking about the possession, Jim unwittingly creates a telepathic link with Claire after traveling to the Shadow Realm and now they both can sense each other's emotions. Claire figures out that Jim is hiding something from her and others and talks Jim into confessing his true identity. And somehow, without the burden of that secret, Jim feels much better.

The team finally goes searching for Merlin as Jim steels himself for the meeting. He doesn't plan to reveal himself to Merlin, hoping that somehow everything will be fine, but Merlin learns his identity at once, sensing the Arcane Order energy in him.

Merlin doesn't trust Jim in this AU, thinking that Jim fakes the love for humanity. Merlin has known only past Jim who was full of destructive urges and he believes that nothing has changed.

Jim is willing to swallow his pride and actually ask Merlin for help. He feels that he needs his full power to fight Gunmar, but Merlin tells him it's impossible to break the spell that turned Jim into a human. Jim suspects it's a lie and Merlin simply doesn't want to cooperate (which is true as Merlin believes that full-power Jim is a way bigger danger for humanity). Merlin gives a different suggestion - he will help Jim temporarily unleash more of his magic, but as a side-effect, his abilities will be sealed for good afterward. It's not an easy decision for Jim, but he agrees.

The thing that neither Jim nor Merlin has anticipated is that when the Green Knight attacks and Jim is hit with the obsidian shard, both Merlin's seal and Jim's spell start to deteriorate, bringing Jim's original form and powers back (ironically, it happens when Jim comes in terms with his new mortal status). Moreover, when Jim cast the spell he was a child deity, but now he is close to an adult one and is even more powerful. The Green Knight has no control over him, but Bellroc and Skrael actually can manipulate his mind, seizing control and bringing Jim back to the Order.

Nari prompts Claire to use the telepathic link to reach Jim and she manages to help him break free.

Now it's two Order members vs two. Nari goes against Skrael and Jim fights Bellroc, while the team deals with the Green Knight.

Jim doesn't get Excalibur here - he leaves it for someone who will be humanity's champion. He and Nari decide to work together and actually build a world where humans and magical beings live together.

[liebgirl]

barbie movie romances (only the good ones mind you) as ships i like because i know everybody lovesssss the niche comparisons i make when i don't have work in the morning <3

clara and the nutcracker from the nutcracker- i mean i know this is about to be a recency bias situation and not a reflection of my true heart maybe but like. can i go with speirton on this. clara was the sugar plum princess all along... she had all she needed to save herself all along! hell it was you first sergeant!

rapunzel and stefan from barbie rapunzel- well ty and kit.... not my fault kit is rapunzel coded i didn't write the guy! yeah they're always gonna be more disney tangled than barbie rapunzel but like the spirit is here. you get it

annika and aiden from magic of pegasus- WEBGOTT!!!! yes this is the reason i made this post i'm watching this movie rn and thinking about webgott...... i cannot explain this one you just have to know... aiden calling annika "princess (derogatory)".... and then still saving her ass every time.... crazy stuff! watch this movie!!!! the way they're completely different yet always evenly matched!! ughhhhh!!!!!

ro and antonio from the island princess- this too can be genyalina for those with the eyes to see...

annalise and julian from princess and the pauper- wouldn't be right at all if i didn't go with merlin and arthur bbc merlin... first of all arthur believes in duty the way priests believe in god so jot that down. that happened to my buddy annalise. you literally understand. unless you haven't seen barbie princess and the pauper and then i just feel sorry for you. like sincerely my heart breaks for you, it must be horrible to be you never having experienced the triumphs and epic highs of barbie princess and the pauper. there are ZERO defeats or lows btw.

erica and dominic from princess and the pauper- i actually can't say this one. there's a tv show... and i have been watching it since last may and i WAS going to tell you guys about it when i got to a specific season and a specific character showed up and that was going to be like, the moment i would decide if the show was really worth people knowing about via me. but um. i seem to be very slow at watching tv these days. and i still haven't met this girl. anyway there's some other bitches in that show and i'm drawing comparisons and shit. complicated stuff. there's secrecy there’s class divide... yeah.

genevive and derek from the 12 dancing princesses (my favorite of all time btw. in case you care)- winnix coded. to me <3 so genevive is a princess and derek is the royal cobbler and when he's delivering the princesses new dancing shoes and he saves genevive for last and hers are the most detailed and beautiful and she's like wow derek these are lovely.... and derek's parrot is like he was up alllllll night perfecting those for you btw! and derek is like bro shut uppp um don't listen to my parrot i spent a normal amount of time on your shoes because i'm normal about you.... and genevive is like oh.... ok (kicks rock) they were OBSESSED with each other and EVERYONE knew it.... and mind you, love saved them in the end, if you even care

odette and daniel from swan lake- kara and lena supergirl for sureeee. when daniel is hunting in the enchanted forest and almost shoots swan odette right before she transforms into her human self for the night... lena's distrust of supergirl because she knows their family history doesn't bode well for them.... the double identity... you get me!

barbie and ken from fashion fairytale and a fairy secret- xena and gabrielle to be honest. what if we were just hopelessly devoted to each other all the time for no reason other than i just like you and want to hang out forever <3

mariposa and carlos from mariposa- the thing about mariposa and carlos is that they do not even know each other and barely interact but they are sooo significant to the story because they are intellectual matches.... she goes on a quest in his stead! because she is the only one who can match what he knows! and it's awesome. and this could be jack and kate lost if the writers of lost would stop trying to push their pro sawyer agenda on me...

barbie and kevin from barbie diaries- gonna pull out something crazy and say tabby and imogen pretty little liars original sin. tabby you would have loveddddd kevin barbie diaries......

PLEASE ask me to elaborate on any of this. i could go on if you let me. of course, who could possibly care about this this is probably my most niche post yet.... oh well <3

[stressed-and-queer]

(Loosely based off of that scene from Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark) I want a scene where Merlin is dressing a shirtless Arthurs wounds and he looks up to Arthur and scoffs

"Why'd you have to go and get hurt dollop head" as he runs his wet rag over one of the wounds.

"I saved your ass didn't I," Arthur shoots back, rubbing his sore shoulder.

"Ahh! Be careful you bumpkin, that hurts," Arthur frowns as Merlin runs the rag over a sore spot.

"Well where doesn't it hurt!" Merlin replies with a glare.

"Right here," Arthur says, pointing to his elbow. Merlin leans down and presses a soft kiss to his elbow.

"Anywhere else," Merlin asks.

"My head, right here too," Arthur says, pointing at a random spot on his head. It hurt, he just wanted Merlin to kiss him again. And he did, he pressed his lips against the spot Arthur pointed to on his head.

"You know, right here doesn't feel too bad," Arthur points to his cheek. Merlin kisses it. They look at each other for a moment. Arthur glancing at Merlin a lips.

"Right here," he says, pressing his fingers to his lips. Merlin smiles and leans in, pressing his lips against Arthurs. Merlin's lips are soft, Arthur finds. And when Merlin breaks the kiss, Arthur a lips tingle.

"I think they might need another kiss Arthur, what about you," Merlin asks with a smirk.

"For once in your life I think you're right," Arthur smirks. Merlin shakes his head and leans in once more. The kiss lasts longer than the last, and it's followed up but another. No words needed. Arthur places his hand gently on the back of Merlin's head, deepening the kiss.

"We should be getting your wounds wrapped up," Merlin says between kisses.

"mmm, later," Arthur decides. He hisses in pain as he sits up, grabbing his side. He grimaces, looking at Merlin. Merlin shakes his head and chuckles.

"No Arthur, now," Merlin says, grabbing one of the bandages he packed. He starts with Arthurs arm first.

"You'll have time to kiss me again when we're back in Camelot," Merlin says, focusing on bandaging up Arthur.

"Yes, it's a promise," Merlin smiles.

"Later? Is that a promise," Arthur asks with a smile, looking up at Merlin. Merlin peels his eyes away from the bandages to look at Arthur. He leans in and gives Arthur a quick kiss.

"Then I shall look forward to later," Arthur decides.

"Yeah, if your big head doesn't get you killed," Merlin says. Arthur rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

[idabbleincrazy]

Never a Wish Better Than This (1/?)

Fandom: Smallville

Rating: E

Pairing: Clex

Characters: Clark, Lex, others mentioned

Word Count: 3005

Warnings: fix-it fic, season 4, first person pov, switching pov, feelings

Summary: Clark turns 18, Lex takes one last chance at making things right between them.

A/N: so, yeah...I never write in first person for fic, but it just felt right for this one. set between Blank and Ageless, with references to s1-4 throughout. hope you like my first attempt at a Clex fic!

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"I owe you my life, Clark. I'll never forget that."

"I guess adrenaline is really a powerful thing, Clark. Good thing, too, or all three of us would be dead now."*

"Yes, I was looking into the accident, but I'm done with that. There's nothing under the surface I need to know."

"I had to kill him, Clark, you understand that right? He hurt you, he was going to kill your father. I had to."

"I put too much trust in a pair of pretty green eyes, and nearly lost everything. I let her too close and almost paid for that mistake with my life, and your father's freedom. And, once again you saved me."

"You know, my father told me, every Arthur needs his Merlin. But even Merlin couldn't save Arthur from falling in the end. Luckily, I have you, Clark. Let's just hope you can keep me from a one way trip to Avalon."

"I wish you could trust me, Clark, really trust me. I just can't stop feeling like there's something important you've kept hidden from me, since the day we met. And, every time I think you're close to finally telling me, you veer off course."

"I'm glad you're back to normal, repressed, farmboy. Rebellion isn't really your color, Clark. But, if you ever need to borrow the Ferrari again, make sure it stays within the town limits."

"I'm not sure if I'm more relieved or disappointed, knowing for sure you're not my brother, Clark. It would have been nice, growing up with you, but at least you aren't tainted by Luthor blood." 

"I'm sorry about Ryan, Clark. Guess I was wrong, you really would make a great brother."

"Naman and Sageeth, Warrior Angel and Devilicus…I hate when stories don't give the details on how two people go from being best friends to sworn enemies."

"I'm sorry about how often your family gets drawn into the Luthor chaos, Clark. I hope you don't regret our friendship."

"I truly am sorry about my part in Eric Marsh coming after you and your parents, Clark. I wouldn't have bailed him out if I had known. The last thing I would ever want is for your family to be hurt."

"My memory of my actions shortly before I was admitted to Belle Reve are hazy at best, but if the pain I'm told I caused you and Lana really happened, I'm sorry, Clark. I only hope I didn't do anything too…untoward, with you, beyond nearly shooting you. Only, I keep getting a fuzzy picture in my head, when I try to remember. You, and me, in the loft. I was singing a lullaby. Suddenly, I was right next to you, and then there was this warmth, your warmth, surrounding me. Whenever I think of that moment, my lips ache."

"Why won't you let me help you, Clark? I could protect you from my father, if you would just open up to me. What is so damned important about those caves that we just keep circling back to them? What are those drawings to you?"

"I appreciate your worry, Clark, but isn't it a bit hypocritical to keep pushing me to reveal my most tumultuous secrets, while denying me your own?"

"You chose right with Pete, Clark. I envy his strength. I'm sorry he had to move. But it's probably safer this way, for both of you."

"I'm glad I can call you my friend again, Clark. I'm sorry I messed it up the first time around. These have been the loneliest five months of my life. I've grown too used to you showing up on my doorstep when I least expect it."

"What is it that you're hiding from me, Clark? What did I learn in those seven weeks that just keeps eluding me? All these secrets and lies…I don't know how much more I can take."

"There's a darkness inside me, Clark, and it scares me. One small lapse in judgment, and I could hurt everyone I care about."

May 3rd, 2005

Lex's POV: 

So many starts to conversations that ended before they really went anywhere. So many opportunities to get closer, to rid ourselves of the distance between us, to bring to light the secrets that stained and strained our friendship. But then, that was why I was usually the one ending them, wasn't it? Even when I was the one who started it. Pulled away, put the walls back up, slipped that mask of cool indifference back on, before he could get too close. Because if he did, how could I resist?

How would I be able to walk away, sane and whole, if he closed that gap? If he bared his soul, spilled all his secrets, how could I keep him pure? That beautiful, innocent, pristine farmboy, would only be tainted if he got that close. Too young, too naive…I would have ruined him. I still might.

I could count the number of people I have ever cared about almost as much as I care about Clark on one hand, with three digits left to spare. I would call it love, if I thought I still had the ability to feel that particular emotion. I've tried for nearly four years to keep him at arm's length. Tried for four years to let myself have the one thing I wanted even more than my father's approval. Four years of yearning, dreaming of thick, black hair, and piercing green eyes. Haunted by pouting lips that could drive angels to sin, and hands big and strong enough to catch them when they fell. 

Will I ruin this perfect, flawed, creature once I have him in my arms? After he has saved me countless times since that first life-changing, life-ending…life-starting…day on the bridge, could I take the chance that I won't destroy him? Can I really resist the chance to find out? Even a saint's patience has its limits. 

How many trips to Suicide Slums have I made, finding just the right shade of green eyes, the right pair of plump lips, shoulders just broad enough, to make the endless need go away, just for a little bit? Just long enough to pretend I didn't ache every time Clark walked through my door. That I didn't want anything more than to push him down onto the leather couch in my office and despoil that paragon of perfection. Tan, dark haired men aren't too hard to find, if you know where to look, if you have the right connections, and the wallet big enough to back it up. So eager to please, to kneel, to worship the Luthor cock. But none of them, not one, close enough to his perfection to sate my hunger for his presence. 

This past year has been the hardest, months spent trying to salvage the wreckage of our friendship. The mysterious and creepy misadventure of my father somehow switching bodies with Clark. Chloe's wild and out birthday party, that I'm sure I still don't have all the details on. Being framed for the murder of an innocent woman by a scorned one-night-stand, both of whom I only even glanced twice at because of features that made me think of Clark. Almost killing the entire Kent family with one of my ill-thought experiments. Watching Jason and Lana, envious of what they had, wanting that with Clark. Their age gap had been the least of their problems, and seeing them together had given me hope, even if they had ultimately parted ways. I know it's a small town with even smaller world views, but still…

There I go, getting ahead of myself again. Thinking like I know for a fact that Clark feels the same way I do, that the attraction is mutual. But, I've seen the looks he's given me over the years. The deer-in-the-headlights look I see when we're playing pool and I've just turned around from taking my shot, his gaze quickly flitting up to mine, and away, his next move fumbled. Felt the lingering touches, like he didn't want to have to pull away. He's the only one I let touch me so casually, you know? The only one I willingly hug, even if the embrace is painfully shorter than I care for. Even lovers aren't allowed to touch more than necessary to bring me off. I flinch from my father's hand whenever possible, my skin crawling with unease when he manages to act out his parody of paternal love. 

But, how many times have I greased the way into Lana's heart for Clark? Sure, they were mostly misguided attempts to rid myself of the temptation he posed. And still, through all their back and forth, they just couldn't make it work. It gave me hope that I tried to ignore, Clark's inability to settle for either Lana or even Chloe. …Or Alicia, who seemed to be both girls wrapped in one, beautiful and brilliant, but so very troubled; though, given how long he'd mourned her, she may have come the closest to keeping his heart. 

How many times, during our talks, have I seen those cow eyes darken, ever so slightly, before the faintest flush of color rose on his cheeks, making him turn away, his speech suddenly stumbling? How many of my loaded comments have left him speechless, the untrippable boy now awkward as a fawn taking its first steps. Is it such a stretch to really believe there's a possibility of him returning my affection? 

The Grandfather clock in the corner strikes the hour, and I stand from my chair. Time to bring some kind of resolution to the circles we seem to run around each other. One way or the other. But first, one more look at Clark's gift. I hope it's one he'll accept without all the hemming and hawing that's followed every other token of my appreciation and affection.

Clark's POV: 

I had almost given up hope of him accepting my invitation. What excitement can a small gathering of friends at a farm in Kansas hold to draw the attention of a world-savvy billionaire? Fried chicken and homemade cake could hardly compare to caviar and creme brulee. But still, I could hope. Hope that he'll show up, even for a minute, hope that he'll help give this regrowing friendship a fighting chance. 

It's hard to keep that hope for friendship from spreading into hope for something more. 

Since that day on the bridge, I’ve tried wrapping my mind around so many feelings, so many confusing urges. It was worse in the beginning, my body going through so many changes, both human and alien. Learning bits and pieces of the truth of who I am. Still so much left unknown. 

As my mind wanders, I look over at my friends. Pete showed up this afternoon, a surprise. Said he couldn't miss the only birthday party I've ever thrown. He'll probably have to leave soon if he wants to make it back to Wichita before curfew. Chloe, with her bright, bubblegum smile and knowing eyes, doing her best to keep Lois from annoying me too much. Lana, demure smile in place, eyes flitting over to me every so often. My heart twinges with a good dose of guilt every time she does. 

I still hold a place for her in my heart, but it's not the same. Hasn't been since he moved in, really. Lana was the girl next door, the one I thought I would always see as the love of my life. But, since that day on the bridge, slowly, but surely, things have changed.

Saving Lex was the catalyst for so much change. That not-really-a-kiss threw a wrench into everything I thought I knew about myself. It was only CPR, but from the first press of my lips against Lex's, it was like the whole world had shifted. And not just mentally. It was as if bringing Lex back to life had been a jumpstart on a molecular level. Before, I'd always been strong and fast and practically indestructible, but within a few weeks of meeting Lex, up popped the x-ray vision. God, that was an embarrassing couple of weeks while I got it under control. The vague dreams I'd been having got slightly more focused after I caught a flash of Lex in his boxers before I could close my eyes. It wasn't the first time I'd woken up sticky, but before that, it had always been Lana haunting my erotic dreams, like when I'd first started waking up floating above my bed. 

I had managed to push aside the confusing feelings that were blooming since meeting Lex, mostly, until the start of my sophomore year and the height of the heat wave. How many fires did I almost start, thinking of Lex? Those were the worst few months. Especially while Desiree was around. Talk about confusing. Didn't help that Chloe had to chime in with her observation that Desiree looked like a female version of me. Suddenly all I could think of was Lex giving me the sultry, sloe-eyed stares he'd been giving her. 

After that, my imaginings decided they were no longer happy secluding themselves to my sleeping hours. The first time I touched myself to thoughts of Lex happened shortly after Desiree's spell over him was broken. None of my jerk-off sessions had ever led to that powerful an orgasm. Thank God my parents weren't home; I don't think I'd have had the higher brain function required to explain the scream that accompanied my explosive release.

After my mini freak out over the careening change in direction of my fantasies, I did some…research. Let's just say, I really hope my parents don't do any in-depth searching into my internet history any time soon. My dad really doesn't need another heart attack. 

Through the wonders of the internet, I discovered that, yeah, maybe I did have some attraction to guys. None of the porn I stumbled across made me feel quite as aroused as my Lex-based daydreams, but I couldn't deny that there had been some definite tightening of my jeans as I watched. I also discovered that my attraction to girls may have lessened, but not entirely disappeared. Lana still entered my dreams from time to time; and there was that one really haunting visit where she showed up while Lex and I were tangled together, and instead of the freak-out dream-me had expected, she eagerly joined in. That had led me down a whole other rabbit hole. 

But, still, life continued on, with just another secret about myself to hide beneath my naive, bumbling exterior. I think I've managed to keep my growing attraction to Lex a secret from nearly everyone. Except maybe from Chloe. She's altogether too good at ferreting out the truth, and I've seen some of the looks she's given me when the conversation turns to Lex, or when he shows up with yet another extravagant gift I can't keep. If anyone knows, it would be her. Has she seen it there, on my face? The longing? The need? Are they the same looks I never managed to recognize her casting my way…the same looks I sometimes still see her give me when she thinks I'm not looking? 

Things only got harder after tenth grade. After I ran away in a haze of red Kryptonite, guilt-ridden over the aftermath of my decision to destroy the ship and bitter over Lex's latest marriage. Metropolis opened my eyes to a world of new experiences. While Clark was busy hiding from the pain he'd caused and the struggle of figuring out whether he still loved Lana the same way he always had or if Lex had slowly but surely replaced her atop that lonely pedestal, Kal was having the time of his life. 

No rules, no chores, no curfew, and just legal enough. Oh yeah, Kal had no qualms about living it up in the big city. And now I've got a brain full of memories, memories of experiences I'd rather have explored with people I'd known for more than an hour. I mean, I'm still a…virgin…in all the ways that count the most, but there were plenty of firsts that got checked off the list during those months of self-imposed exile. But, I confirmed without a doubt that I am definitely, undeniably, bisexual.

I knew Lex had supplanted himself ahead of Lana in my romantic leanings when the sight of her with Jason didn't hurt the way seeing her with Whitney had. The love I felt for her had shifted. Lex is who I see now, when I close my eyes and let my hand wander beneath my boxers, smooth, pale skin and stormy eyes fill my head as I bite back my cries of pleasure. No matter how complicated and strained our friendship has become, he's the one I want. The one I need. 

The sound of a sturdy raprap against the door shakes me from my tangled thoughts. Mom goes to answer it and the slow tightening in my jeans quickly threatens to cut off all circulation of blood flow as Lex steps through into the kitchen where we're all gathered. God, why do we have to celebrate my birthday in May? Why couldn't it have been in the dead of winter, when layers and thick, form-obscuring fabrics are a necessity? 

He's wearing one of my favorite outfits of his. The sleeves of the lilac shirt strain around the deceptive muscles of his upper arms as he walks closer, his gray slacks a mix between casual and business, perfect creases shifting with each step. What skin there is that's bared to my sight is slightly reddened by the wind I knew he created on the drive over. Almost dying in an accident hasn't tempered his need for speed. I'm so lost in my ogling that it takes a nudge from Chloe to realize Lex has been speaking to me. Yeah, she definitely knows.

*******

@leatafandom (big hug and thanx for your cheerleading!)

[adhd-merlin]

merlin S1 rewatch: episode 3

I'm putting this above the cut because I am outraged:

THEY CUT SOME LINES ON BBC iPLAYER. THEY CUT THE LINE WHERE MORGANA SAYS MERLIN IS "A LOVER"!! THEY CUT MERLIN SAYING "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT". WHAT KIND OF VICTORIAN CENSORSHIP IS THIS!!!!!

seriously!! (I only noticed because I'm watching this with subs off this time, but I had a transcript to glance at on my phone because sadly I can't hear without my subtitles).

random thoughts/observation:

• Interesting choice to have Nimueh cast her curse via a Fabergé egg

• Nimueh doing her Galadriel shit in a very cool cave actually

• S1 Arthur had some snazzy little outfits. Love the Jedi vest.

• I don't like bad cop Arthur :(

• baby's first raid!!!

• okay but Gaius tells Uther the plague is caused by sorcery, and the king IMMEDIATELY sends Arthur to search Gaius's chambers? "we're searching every room in town" my ass. Uther only trusts Gaius as far as he can throw him, which explain a lot about the way Gaius keeps begging Merlin to keep a low profile.

• this is maybe one of the gayest episodes. if you don't think so you're looking at the wrong couple.

• Gwen picked flowers for Morgana. MORGANA WAS READY TO FIGHT A CAVE MONSTER FOR HER GIRLFRIEND MAID. Don't talk to me.

• Merlin and Gwen's friendship is so heartwarming and pure and I've missed it!! wish the writers had remembered they were good friends later in the series

• Can we talk about Merlin being such a lovely boy. a literal ray of sunshine. can we.

• Gaius (in ep 1): "Magic shouldn't be used for idiotic pranks!!". Merlin (in ep 3): "okay so can I use it to save a man's life?" Gaius: "NO"

• I can't tell whether or not Gaius knows about the prophecy (if the writers had even decided at this point). He keeps making allusions to destiny and great things to come, so it kind of sounds like he does?

• Merlin & Gaius having their first significant disagreement about the best approach to take to solve the problem at hand. They are Feelings vs Logic. I think fandom sometimes forgets young Merlin was fierce and opinionated as well as kind and sweet. Any boy less stubborn than him wouldn't have lasted long around Gaius. I think this is one of the ways in which they are similar — both headstrong and loath to back down when they believe they are right. Which they often do.

• Gwen only asking Merlin to remember her after she's executed 😭😭😭

• lol @ Merlin being laughed out of the room after his attempt at a heroic sacrifice. He really thought he was doing something.

• Arthur: "OBVIOUSLY he's not a sorcerer!! leave him alone. he's mentally ill and in love and stupid. did I mention stupid"

• the elemental solution was kind of stupid (the beast is made of clay > water + earth, so it can be defeated by fire + wind?). They literally didn't know it was going to work. MERLIN SWEETIE WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN B. WHAT WAS YOUR PLAN A, EVEN

• great Afanc monster clearly just a guy in a suit. that's just Steve from the make-up department.

• Merlin casting his spell without a care for who hears it. BABE YOU'LL GET CAUGHT

• I know the last exchange between Merlin and Morgana is meant to be a gag but it’s also sad how relieved and happy Merlin is at hearing Morgana say she knows his secret, and her asking if she can talk to him about it :(

All in all a cute little episode, not much to say about it

funny/notable quotes:

• UTHER (to Morgana): Have you ever seen an enchantress? Believe me, they bear no sign, no mark. There is no sense of evil in the eye. (👀)

• KILGHARRAH: You are but one side of a coin. Arthur is the other.

[ofglories]

In general Arthur doesn't usually feel fear.

Not true fear, that is. And dreading facing an angry Gareth or an upset Bedivere is not true fear.

But he has felt it, three specific times in his life to be honest. The first time was when Bedivere lost his arm. Arthur was terrified that he was about to lose his best friend forever, that he couldn't defeat the enemies surrounding them fast enough to get Bedivere help. In that moment his fear made him move faster, fight far more visciously than he ever would have normally. All to ensure he could save Bedivere's life.

The second time was when he fought Vortigern for the first time, though it only truly kicked in once he unleashed Excalibur's power...and nothing happened. Seeing the way Vortigern was able to shrug off the blast released by the holy sword left Arthur frozen in fear and dread since he didn't know what to do at that point. Especially since Excalibur's blast was always his last resort and he was already fairly injured. Had it not been for Merlin dragging him away to seek out what would later turn out to be Rhongomyniad... Well, Arthur doesn't like to think about it.

And then there's the final time. The first and only time Arthur faced Lucius Tiberius in person on the battlefield was also the moment where Arthur felt truly afraid. Not because of Lucius' strength though that was certainly a thing to dread. Nor was it because of the emperor's armies, massive though they were. It was because of what he saw shining through Lucius Tiberius' eyes. Like a black hole of ego, confidence, charisma, and obsession that grew stronger the longer their battle went on. An obsession that shone brighter and brighter like the flames of madness as Arthur rejected him over and over and each time the man's sword drew blood. It was this fear that made Arthur instinctively unleash Excalibur in the end, saving him from death or capture at the hands of the maddened emperor. But even then the nightmares remained for years.