#the fake it til you make it approach tho

[vitaegratis]

You and havvkinsqueen are my favorite hellcheer ship on tumblr.

I suck at receiving compliments - and I hesitated to post this bc there are plenty of other Eddies and Chrissies out there, some of whom I know (either personally or thru mutuals even tho we've never spoken) and I don't want to make anyone feel bad or start shit/drama or seem arrogant or like I have an ego.

It does mean a lot though, so thank you.

Vic is an amazing writing partner and an even better friend.You can compliment her all day and I'll be right there with you echoing and amplifying the sentiment. It's much deserved. She'd probably be all "stop" and "it's a partnership", and that's true, but.MER, as the kids say. I adore our threads, and I adore her.

All our own personal hellcheer-isms and headcanons, the lore we've built. Love it all! They went out into the world, taking a fake it til you make it approach towards adulting - and while it's all very domestic, it's never boring. It's kyoot, imho.Tbqh I never consider/care if anyone else pays attention bc we do it for our own entertainment/enjoyment, but that you like our stuff is incredibly humbling/flattering. I'm sure @havvkinsqueen feels the same.

[crowsent]

How do you stay so cheerful? I read your tags and you seem like a funny and happy person. What's your secret?

had this ask for a while and i had no idea how to tackle this. lowkey no idea how you thought i was a funny and happy person from my tags since all i do is bitch about shit but uh. thanks? no idea how you got this impression of me but its very kind of you to say this. so. anyway.

im not cheerful. i havent been genuinely cheerful since the third grade. when i was in fourth grade i was already bitter and cynical and constructed so many walls around myself and my emotions that now, years later, i have no idea how to bring them down. by fifth grade, i became an angry and petty person. by sixth grade i developed trust issues. by seventh grade, i learned how to use humour to deflect everything and ignore the world. i think my first depressive episode was when i was ten. i straight contemplated whether or not i should be alive when i was ten and it only got worse from there.

me trying to be as kind as i can to others doesnt necessarily mean that im cheerful. its just that me being sad and tired and angry does not mean that i can be cruel or unkind to other people. its unfair of me to take out my frustrations about everything in my life on the world, so i try my best to be good and kind and be as respectful and courteous as i can be. the peppy excitable attitude i have is a farce so i dont bring in my negativity onto people who have nothing to do with my issues.

BUT. that doesnt mean that i cant try. people say fake it til you make it and thats what im doing. or trying to. im not actually genuinely happy but trying to keep my spirits up is infinitely better than just stewing in my depression. its a struggle to put on a smile and not say the first cynical thing that pops into my head, but i have to try. recovery is a process. its not a race, its a marathon. and for me, its a marathon with the goal being moved further and further away every so often. but if i dont at least try to run, then im never getting anywhere.

life is shit. for me at least. my depression is painful. i have chronic pains that sucks like a fucking turbo powered vacuum and sometimes i get suicidal ideations and have to lock myself in my room so i dont wander into the kitchen. but that doesnt mean that itll be shit forever. or that itll be bad every day. if today was something conjured from the depths of hell, maybe tomorrow would be good. or at the very least, suck less. so ill pretend to be happy, maybe crack a few jokes, and thatll distract me from the now.

and if my writing or my jokes or the comments i make brings a smile to someones face or makes their day brighter by a fraction or even makes them forget the present, even if its just for a little bit, then good. just because im miserable, doesnt mean that everyone else has to be. if i can make someone smile then im happy.

if youre struggling with depression or anxiety or something in your personal life and looking for a reason to be cheerful, then find a reason. any reason. maybe you have a pet. or maybe you have a fav show or book or something. maybe you have a hobby. maybe you have some friends you promised to hang out with or some chores you need to do or some yoga or singing or whatever. i cant give you a secret way to be cheerful because i dont have one. the method i use for dealing with suicidal thoughts is to lock myself in a room where there’s nothing i can use to hurt myself with and wait for the ideations to pass. that method might make things worse for you. it might not work. i dont know your situation. the only advise i can give you is to keep living. any reason to live is worth it. dont care what the reason is. hope. faith. love. spite. find a reason to live and live. the best i can say is that most of my joy comes from writing so try and find a hobby that you like.

tl;dr: anon. i try to just be as kind and positive as i can be and hope for something good happening tomorrow. kinda got derailed a lil bit there. sorry.

also. i feel like i should mention this.

im not cheerful and im not happy. im just a very good liar.

[jezunya]

I had a really, really good first meeting with my therapist on Thursday. She started off asking what name I go by, where at a VA place I would fully expect them to just read off my legal name. She was easy to talk to, didn't make me feel judged or like my input was unwanted – which is huge for me – and was very happy to listen to my thoughts, questions, theories, etc. She also said a lot of stuff that managed to address specific anxieties I hadn't even expressed to her yet, everything from 'you don't have to be literally suicidal in the moment in order to call the Veterans' Crisis Hotline' to 'Oh god, I'm a cat person too, I know how awful that is to lose a pet so suddenly.'

She was telling me about how, while regular appointments tend to be booked out several weeks at least (and she encouraged me to call in periodically to check if anyone has cancelled, if I want to move my appointment up sooner), they take walk-ins & they always reserve a few timeslots each day for when patients have urgent/distressing things that pop up. And then (maybe already picking up on my tendency to feel like I don't have a right to actually use the resources available to me) she said that, had I already been an established patient there beforehand, Madea getting sick & passing away would have been the kind of thing for which they would want me to call in & take one of those urgent slots. And here I was feeling like if I wasn't in the throes of a full-blown PTSD flashback, I didn't have a right to ask for help from the VA.

She also seems to take a sort of holistic view of things like depression & anxiety, and we talked a bit about how they all have mental, physical, and behavioral aspects, and how those all influence each other for good or for ill. She emphasised that no one thing would fix everything, like my anxiety won't magically disappear if I eat better or exercise, but those, along with talk therapy, CBT, medication, etc etc etc whatever works, can all help contribute in small ways towards alleviating symptoms. I just really like that she's not pushing any one approach, but seems to want to take into account a while bunch of treatments & symptoms, which, again, addressed some of my fears that I hadn't even brought up yet: that I felt like I was going in there with a big scattered shotgun blast of problems & symptoms & theories, and that I don't feel like there's *one* big thing to be fixed but a whole host of problems that all impact & exacerbate each other, and I feel like people sometimes get impatient or frustrated with me because it's like there's always one more thing, it can never just be simple.

She was also completely open to hearing about family history & things that I suspect and/or want to explore. We're going to go through a "full history" in our next appointment, but just the fact that she was open to hearing about bipolar, thyroid disease, autism, adhd, social anxiety, etc. was again a huuuuge thing I was stressing about. I feel like I've heard horror stories about psychologists (and I've actually met laypeople like this, but it's always worse coming from a professional) who expect you to have zero self awareness, and anything you suspect or propose must be wrong, because they are the professional, so they're the only one who gets to develop hypotheses & theories. In contrast, she outright told me, 'I know psychology, but I can never know you as well as you know yourself' and then something to the effect that in the best case scenario, we would be able to work as a team to try to figure out what's bothering me & how to address it.

She also said very directly that if at any time for any reason I feel like we aren't working or clicking or whatever, tell her, or tell someone in reception, or something, and they would all work to find me someone I feel more comfortable with. That her job is to get me the best help possible, and that her feelings won't be hurt if we don't click. And then when I told her I appreciated her saying that because I know you're supposed to shop around until you find a therapist who works for you but since I don't have any healthcare/insurance outside of the VA, I didn't feel like I had that "luxury" – she immediately went, 'You do actually have that luxury' and then explained that, first, there are two other psychologists in our local clinic alone; second, if none of them work for me, they can get me set up to go see literally any VA therapist anywhere in Indiana, including at the big hospital in Indy; and third, that the VA has started a sort of 'telemedicine' program wherein you can speak to a therapist over like Skype or something. So basically, I have a huge pool of choices before me, even if I do just stick to VAcare.

I came home feeling kind of raw after meeting with her, emotional but in a good way. A healthier feeling way, like bandages had been changed & wounds inspected, rather than like a bad reopening of wounds. I'm really looking forward to working with her more, which itself says a lot compared to how worried I was about this appointment in the days leading up to it.

[xiu21chen99]

hxh headcanon!!

/imagine ofc!! everyone expected another, i hope shhdjdkf

umm... my art?? I'll be transferring it to digi-art tomorrow or sth but uh be nice pls, im new to dis

the art is related to the hc,,, anYWAYS DARK CONTINENT ARC TIMELINE and... TW! blood, violence and death. this is what i envision the "battle for hisokas head" arc story thingey would go

ON THE BLACK WHALE!

Hisoka has killed most of the spiders already, all that was left were Illumi, Kalluto, Chrollo, Shizuku and Bonolenov (bc the latter three formed a group truce rmmbr)

he decides to save the Zoldycks for last so he hunts for the mf who mangled his face and literally killed him

Hisoka makes quick work of killing Bono and Shizuku (nooo my bby ;-;)

Chrollo and he have a sort of stalemate stance bc they're in a discrete room in the Black Whale, they're meters apart and they're literally just walking in a circle to see who'd make the first move

Bono and Shizuku's bodies are in the same room

Illumi comes in with Kalluto in tow and the two siblings stop dead in their tracks to watch

that's when Hisoka moves in for the kill

but Chrollo counters w a spell he pulled from his book- an explosion erupts, tho it's a small, kind of controlled one but still, everyone in the room are forced back

Hisoka's thrown to a wall while the other three skid back on the feet

the emergency alarms ring in the room, the automated doors move to close

Illumi and Kalluto make eye contact before Kalluto runs for it, Illumi goes to block the door when he left, making sure Chrollo doesn't follow suit before walking towards Hisoka

"what are you doing?" Chrollo asks when Illumi helps the clown to his feet.

"oh, did i not tell you?" Illumi pulls out a few needles from his outfit "Hisoka has also commissioned for your head, but only under the circumstance where he could see."

"no, you forgot to mention that." Chrollo humors, book in hand and a forced smile on his lips

"oh this should be fun," Hisoka adds beside him, cracking his neck with a sinister grin

"i take it you were serious about the... engagement ring you mentioned earlier?" Chrollo asks as he flips to a page in his book

"quite, yes. i have already told my brother to not contact our parents about it, hence why he was with me up until now." Illumi explains, pins glowing with violet nen

"how boring, i had hoped you'd at least introduce me to my in-laws before we get on with it." Hisoka teases, cards in hand

"disgusting." Chrollo sneers, and the tension in the room snaps.

There's another explosion, quite bigger and definitely stronger. Illumi blocks the stray debris from his eyes with a hand, squinted eyes taking in everything that was to see.

Hisoka was still beside him though his head was snapping from left to right trying to navigate their common target

There's whispering, then Chrollo's puppets appear behind them, seeming to have grown from the concrete ground

they were mindless pawns, Hisoka gladly kicked them all til they returned to dust

what came next were Bono and Shizuku, though Illumi could have sworn they were dead earlier

"it's a stolen power, they might still be able to use their nen." Hisoka warns, and as if to prove his point Shizuku attacks Illumi with Blinky

"cut off their heads!" Hisoka yells, disappearing into the still present dust cloud of the post-explosion

Shizuku was the easier target, death made her think that vacuum of hers was a sword. Illumi pins her to the wall and snaps her head off

Bono was more clever, he hid in the dust and used his whistle like body to distract Illumi from where he actually was

Then he attacks when he had his back turned to him

But Illumi soon gets the hang of it, whips back to his right to catch Bono mid jump, and crushes his neck like paper

He drops the twice killed body and wipes his hands on his pants

There's strong aura somewhere in the room, so he follows his instincts through the smog

Another explosion, but this time actual smoke builds up in the room, triggering the fire alarms and the sprinklers

"you fucking bitch!"

"you should have stayed dead, Hisoka!"

Illumi follows the voices and now obvious sounds of fighting

as the smoke clears, he sees multiple figures go after who he assumes was Hisoka. Logically speaking, he was the only target of those useless puppets

Illumi jumps to his feet to help him, throwing pins at the three running to Hisoka at stumbling speed

He lands behind Hisoka with grace, feet as silent as ever.

the smoke is nearly gone now, so when Illumi turns to see if Hisoka was alright he's shocked to find a rock figurine, roughly formed to Hisoka's shape and build

"Hisoka-"

"i can't believe you fell for that" Chrollo says behind him, but Illumi has already sent needles flying his way

"what did you do?"

unprepared, Chrollo's sent to the wall, hands pinned and spread. there were matching pins buried deep into the palms of his hands making him unable to move

"I just killed the bastard who shouldn't have come for my friends."

his hands needed to touch something to detonate. with two more pins each added to his hands (and two more to each of his feet), Chrollo's made to float with Illumi's Manipulation

(hc power here bc i think he could do this, but he only saves it for special occasions or enemies lol)

Illumi pulls forth a mind control needle amd jams it into Chrollo’s forehead, “answer my questions, and answer me truthfully"

"what did you do to Hisoka, you could not have killed him in that short amount of time. I should have been able to sense something if you did. he is not in this room, so where is he?"

Chrollo groans, "he's trapped in the room i laid out for him"

"explain."

"i stole some random passenger's teleportation ability. its' condition is to only be able to open a portal if the room's closed and only has one door. i opened the portal and left him in the in between."

"you have been planning this, correct?"

"i only came up with it when Shizuku encountered the man with this power. he's still alive of course, but if i kill him then his nen portals would cease, and Hisoka will be trapped in that limbo forever."

"and nen after death..?"

"he adores the spiders, he surely won't hold a grudge if i killed him for this."

"this is a well executed plan." Illumi complements despite the situation

"thanks."

"open the portal, bring him back."

"why should i?"

Illumi grabs another pin from his shirt, this time giving it a lick before jamming it into Chrollo's arm

"i am already annoyed at how everything has turned out, just pull Hisoka out of the portal."

life slowly drains from Chrollo's eyes, as he goes limp against Illumi's pins that kept him afloat and away from any possible detonation medium

Chrollo-puppet, now on his own two feet, pulls out his book and flips to a page. The wall behind him opens, the metal folding out as if crumpled then Hisoka walks out, in shock. The wall closes silently, as if it never opened to begin with

Hisoka snaps out of it quickly, lips curving into a pleased smile, "nice work, Illu!"

Illumi waves a hand dismissively. "would you like to do the honors?"

"ooh~ don't mind if i do," Hisoka pulls out a card from somewhere and approaches the still Chrollo.

Illumi walks to a wall to lean against it, knowing Hisoka would take his time.

"you've married an idiot, Illumi Zoldyck." a voice said beside him, and he snaps his head up to see Hisoka's killing slash

"wait-"

But it was too late

another explosion, this time strong enough to blow the doors open and the walls broken

Illumi's once again pushed to the wall, back through the metal it poked him with blisters

As the dust settled for a third time, Chrollo stood in the middle of the room, unharmed and unpinned.

Under his foot, Hisoka. Dead?

"no-" Illumi coughs, dust filling his lungs

Illumi stumbles to the pair as Chrollo backs away, to the door now open

"Hisoka-" he falls to his knees beside the man, cradles the head to his lap. This was real, this was really Hisoka. he felt it- he felt the last ebbs of his presence fade along with the explosion.

He was really dead...

Was his Bungee Gum/after death nen a one time thing?

He was so stupid, he should have noticed that Chrollo was a fake. It had been too easy. Fuck.

Hisoka coughs, and Illumi zeroes in on it, on the way his once steady chest heaves with labored breaths. "Hiso- Hisoka?"

"Illu..." he drawls, unable to say it clearly

"what do i do?"

"ta... take m-" he coughs again, "take my heart, Illu."

"what do you mean?" Illumi presses a hand to the side of Hisoka's neck, trying to find a pulse

"this is my nen condition-" heave- "Bungee gum will help me get the engagement ring to you. it's in my heart, literally-"

"Hisoka, you are not making any sense-"

"just kill me already, illu-" cough- "and carve out my heart. you'll find the ring there."

"o-oh" Illumi's eyes widen

"do it, illu. before my-" heave again "nen runs out."

Hisoka's smiling. his glamour of texture surprise has worn off already, so his nose-less, peeling face stared back at Illumi

"go on, love."

with no other choice, Illumi elongates his nails and digs into the crevice between Hisoka's rib cage. his blood felt hot and sticky between his fingers, but Illumi dug deeper.

his heart was still beating though weakly, as if it still had a chance to live on

"bye, love." were Hisoka's last breathy words as Illumi pulls the organ out. It was shrouded in pink nen, Bungee Gum he thought, its distinct tint a permanent brand in Illumi's mind

gore slid down his hand, as illumi held it closer to his face for inspection

for a few fleeting moments it continued throbbing, but now it's stilled to a mere heart.

Illumi has done this method of killing before, but this is the first heart he thought held value

blood dripped from his hand down to Hisoka's smiling face, eyes open and gaze somewhere to Illumi's direction

as the Bungee Gum lifted, a ring popped out from an outward ventricle.

a bloody ring

how did he manage to do this?

despite the crimson, Illumi slips it to his ring finger with a grim smile

even after death, Hisoka still amazed him

He gently puts Hisoka's head to the ground, off his lap, and closes his golden eyes

Illumi's en grows with unbridled rage that it covered the whole ship. Chrollo is just a few hallways down

Bloodlust up in new heights, Illumi lets his presence explode, making sure nen and non nen users alike felt his hunger to kill

Finding Chrollo was too easy, but this time he's sure it was the real one. he was at the balcony, looking out into the sunset.

"i take it, you loved him?"

Illumi doesn't answer, instead walks closer with eery silence

"if you loved him then why didn't you tell him?"

one step forward, two, three. just a few more left.

"he wouldn't have reciprocated? blah, he was of peculiar taste, I'm sure he would've accepted you."

pins, needles, hell even a card he got from Hisoka. he threw all of it to Chrollo, aiming for where he was and the surrounding spots he could have gone to, to avoid them

pinned down and bleeding, Chrollo continues "or were you not aware you loved him until you saw him die right before your eyes?"

Illumi, more than once, said that assassins don't need friends. didn't have a need for anyone else but family.

but

"he was my friend. that's all there was to it."

Chrollo's head rolls to the balcony, falls off and to the sea. a king of hearts was placed where the head should be, engraved into the floor.

later that day, Illumi went back to the room where Hisoka was, to find Kalluto there. His kimono was bunched up by his hands to make sure blood didn't touch the ends.

"aniki, what happened here? where's danchou?"

"kallu, i want you to help me with something." Illumi said instead, "can you help me clean him up?"

"should we throw him overboard?" Kalluto gestured to Hisoka.

"no, i want to fix him up and find a coffin in this ship. i will bury him when we get back to the mainland."

"why?"

"because..." Illumi fiddled with the bloodied ring, "he was my husband."

for those of u confused don't worry, i am too. basically chrollo used a bomb dummy of himself and that’s the one hisoka killed but uh got him killed instead. shjsjfkf sorry if this was shitty it's 2:30am nd i just wanted to write this before i forgot. I'll fix it tomorrow hopefully

also the hc is the ring in hisokas heart thingey and maybe the room trap plan bc togashi wouldnt have introduced that bitch if he didnt plan on using him for the plot shjsjdkfkgl good night!

[now-its-3am]

QUICK UPDATE ON MY BABIES:

psa: because i have SO many muses, i’m not gonna bother you all with new bios because not that much is changing, so i’m just gonna update you on the small changes in this post, and also update their bios on my blog!! (hayden has been dropped for now, but that’s not to say she won’t be brought back at some point!)

patrick jacobs: patrick is still the owner of the auto shop in town where he works as a mechanic. however, what he also inherited when he took over the garage from his grandfather – was the weapons smuggling business in town. illegal weapons are moved through the garage, and while pat’s not great at crime – he’s too much of an anxious mess to not do what he’s told. fake it til you make it, right?

riley shaw: things are very much the same, parents are incarcerated, riley’s working at no pain no gain, making some music on the side, getting high, just vibing really. okay, but like also dealing drugs for the gang tho. oops.

lee madsen: lee is doing her lil teaching thing, annoying the heck out of the principal with all her crusades, and lovin’ up on bonnie while trying to get their new foster kid charlie settled in their home. nothing much changing there.

ash muñoz: ash is pulling shifts at both the grind/gay club and at masen’s. she’s working on getting clean, but it’s a struggle, and she compensates by – well, being ash.

cody wilder: cody is still into the shady drug business, being the underboss for the drug faction of the rossi gang’s dealings. his sister has just come to town after serving prison time covering for him. he’s still in love with kassie, even if he doesn’t really know it himself. well, he knows, but he’s not gonna admit that to anyone.

alex rhodes: alex is running the grind and the gay club, which are both located in the same building, just as two separate venues. she takes pride in making it the most inclusive places she possibly can, and keeping her employees as safe as she can. about a year ago, she was approached by the rossi gang as they wanted to force her into laundering their money for them. alex isn’t easily intimidated, and she wasn’t this time either – she agreed, but only if she was allowed to be in control of it. she is technically second in the faction, but the underboss is completely useless, so she functions as both. also still falling for zoe, but love is still sooooo scary.

nikko hagen: nikko is new to costello and trying to settle down with his youngest – benjamin. still working at the hospital as a physical therapist, he is trying to get back on the horse and find some nice company. 

i think that’s it? welcome back to the shitshow that is @now-its-3am​ i guess? 

[ogkunty]

Furcadia Toxicity

The complete log file is provided, everything here is unedited, this all transpired publicly and should be available for everyone to have access to at all times. Thank you. (19:14:03) Tacada: watching the riot police going (19:14:21) Kixy: Protesting doesn't do anything. (19:14:23) Kunty: Nah, tell people to spend time with their fucking families they keep trying to ride dicks/cunts out of (19:14:23) Tacada: theyre taking the hong kong approach the protestors. using cones n water to stop tear gas nades (19:14:32) Kunty: they riot if quarantined. (19:14:33) Ditty: god (19:14:37) Ditty: turned out as expected (19:14:45) Ditty: Kixy: People will make a bigger stink out of not being called the correct pronoun than anything important. (19:14:48) Ditty: so peoples pronouns are important (19:14:52) Ditty: not sure why you have to bring that into this lmao (19:14:58) Puffin: ^^^^^^ (19:15:01) Ditty: Maya: Just offer free heroin and meth, you'll see enough people. (19:15:02) Ditty: so thats gross (19:15:07) Ditty: not sure why you have to bring that into this either (19:15:08) Kunty: IDC about pronouns, why is that even a thing? (19:15:09) Kixy: The point was that people get more angry over stupid shit than anything serious? (19:15:15) Ditty: pronouns are not stupid shit (19:15:19) Kunty: They are (19:15:21) Kixy: Yes they are. (19:15:27) Puffin: Riots are the language of the unheard, fam (19:15:29) Kixy: Compared to SO SO many things. (19:15:34) Ditty: why do we have to compare (19:15:39) Ditty: peoples identities are extremely important (19:15:41) Ditty: you cant rank it among other things (19:15:54) Ditty: did you know humans have the capacity to care about multiple things at once or are furcadians not able to do that (19:15:55) Tacada: sorry ditty i started all of this O.O (19:15:57) Kunty: I agree with Kixy, pronouns are NOT important in comparison to riots, killings, and corona. (19:16:03) Ditty: why are we comparing them (19:16:06) Ditty: answer the question

SEE THE REST WITH THIS LINK TO THE HTML LOG FILE

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The Devil’s Den Discord Meanwhile... Yes, you may Join.

/6:33 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: IMAGINE SEXUALLY HARASSING PEOPLE AND BEING TRANSPHOBIC AS FUCK ON FUCADIA [6:34 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: LITERALLY JUST FOR ATTENTION [6:34 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: WHO FAILED YOU [6:35 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: JK ITS YOUR OWN FUCKIN FAULT [6:35 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: "THE DEVIL'S DEN" THIS IS SOME SERIOUSLY TEEENY EDGELORD SHIT [6:35 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR GROSS RAPE FANTASY THESAURUS-FUCKING DESCRIPTION [6:36 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: UNAPOLOGETIC SEXUAL HARASSERS SHOULD BE SHOT [6:39 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: jesus your discord server is dead as fuck [6:39 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: small wonder you have no friends [6:39 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: you are human garbage(edited) [6:43 PM] Hellcat: I'm here to fuck ass [6:44 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: its completely dead its no use [6:44 PM] Hellcat: Plague queens are my fetish tho [6:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: im here to fuck ass and fuck bubblegum [6:45 PM] Hellcat: Who failed you lmfao [6:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: yeah i had to rethink that cuz that'd mean it's someone else's fault [6:46 PM] Hellcat: It smells like poop and semen [6:47 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: as expected [6:55 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: [REDACTED] just thought yall should know your friend is a gross transphobe who repeatedly talked about my partner's genitals after being asked not to [6:55 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: and also claimed corona was a good thing because the world needs a "plague" [6:55 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: attention seeking teen edgelord bullshit [6:56 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: could only respond with "k" when it was brought up [7:08 PM] Ill: ? [7:09 PM] Ill: Logs please @Xzfgiiimtsath#6669(edited) [7:11 PM] Ill: It is without saying that unless evidence is provided, everything else is simply hearsay. I’m sorry to say that, without visible proof of this outrageous claim, you’re kind of just making empty accusations and slanderous character bashing. ): [REDACTED]  [7:12 PM] Ill: Oh, I guess they just wanted to troll. ): I’m sorry, hopefully this can be cleaned up. [7:28 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: OH HI [7:28 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: JUST ASK HER SHE WONT DENY IT [7:28 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: she was pretty proud of it on furc [7:28 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: i can post logs but judging from your response to that you'd just say i'd edited them lol [7:29 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: is it really hard to believe that she'd say something like that? seems pretty in-character for her [7:31 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: i mean you guys jerk it to beast porn tho i dont have high hopes for any moral outrage here [7:31 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: but if there were any trans people in the server id def want them to know [7:33 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: she was shit-talking people who care about their pronouns [7:33 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: my partner, who is trans, tries to explain to them what's wrong with that [7:35 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: then Kunty's response is to repeatedly talk about not wanting to hear about their genitals(?) which has nothign to do with pronouns and wasnt part of the conversation [7:35 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: when asked to stop talking about their genitals she continues unabated just to piss them off(edited) [7:36 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: you can choose to believe im just making this up for no reason if you want, but that would be really fucking brickheaded of you [7:37 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: care more about your shitty transphobic friend repeatedly who was bringing up my partners genitals randomly and without their consent(edited) [7:37 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: @ill [7:40 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: again, 0 hopes for you response, youre a fantasy animal r*pe enthusiast who says things like, "It is without saying that unless evidence is provided," [7:40 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: holy fuck get your head out of your ass [7:41 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: but ill STILL warn you of your transphobic friend since judging on your art youre lgbtq+ [7:43 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: are you just gonna wait til i leave again to respond? figures [7:44 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: you didnt even ask them about it, just "NO EVIDENCE SO ITS FAKE" [7:44 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: you'd really go that far to defend this person when you have no idea what happened? [7:44 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: god you fucking suck [7:44 PM] Ill: Okay but [7:44 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: but nothing [7:44 PM] Ill: You are actively here [7:44 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: wow youre a fuckin genius or something eh [7:44 PM] Ill: Why are you being aggressive? [7:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: because im pissed [7:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: obviously [7:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: stupid question [7:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: why are you deflecting [7:45 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: and defending your transphobic friend for no god damn reason [7:46 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [7:46 PM] Ill: Okay, I understand that you are in an emotional state right now, but I would really need you to calm down first before coming off on a rage to people that have no idea what you are upset over. [7:46 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: ? [7:46 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: read my post dumbass [7:46 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: then you'd know [7:46 PM] Ill: No [7:46 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: LOL [7:47 PM] Ill: Here is why [7:47 PM] Ill: The stupidest things we say are said out of Anger. [7:47 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: are you legit like 14 [7:47 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: im wasting my time [7:47 PM] Ill: I will advise you a little more directly that you take time to calm down before you come venting. [7:48 PM] Ill: No, I am asking you to be an adult [7:48 PM] Ill: And not a raging tween with a hormone spike [7:48 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: said the literal child who thinks having emotions means "not being an adult" [7:48 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: lmfao [7:48 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: not being pissed about transphobia is a character flaw [7:48 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: work on it bitch [7:48 PM] Ill: I emphasize with your anger, I am not saying it is wrong to have them [7:48 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: emphasize with my anger [7:49 PM] Ill: I am saying that you are abusing everyone else for things we have no knowledge or control over [7:49 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: what the fuck are you talking about [7:49 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: im warning you about your transphobic friend and youre being a piece of shit about it [7:50 PM] Ill: You are acting like a child, I’ve been there and done that - it does not end well. Please take time to self care for yourself first so you can be an adult that can have a calm conversation [7:50 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: and you also fantasize about r*ping animals so again: 0 hope for you to have any concept of why things are wrong [7:50 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: total fucking human garbage [7:50 PM] Xzfgiiimtsath: [8:05 PM] Ill: I am going to go step away before I address this further, I am losing some patience very quickly. I am kindly asking you to do the same so that you may take time to care for yourself during this clearly highly emotional state you are in. Maybe sip some cool water, dab your cheeks with ice, and/or take a moment with a loved one that makes you feel safe. I do not know what else to recommend here, I do not assume ignorance right away when meeting people, and I would like to think that other people can also step back to rationalize themselves down from tensions like these. I call this being an adult, growing up enough to get beyond yelling and throwing every accusation at someone simply because you’re angry. Accepting that it could be possible there is a grave misunderstanding, or maybe even misinterpretation of intent/meaning. As a person that never gets these opportunities to rationalize issues away from pure misunderstood hatred, I have never seen the actual outcome. In the adult world here, if we are angry with someone that offended us, we can’t just go into their family bbq and be screaming like lunatics about how their goat fuckers based solely on our interpretations, either. That would lead to calling the police... it doesn’t get you anywhere ... not in the adult world. You need to stop and care for yourself before you come guns blazing. You don’t DO this in the adult world and then call the adults staring at you like a tantruming toddler “children” because they won’t feed your anger. I’m sorry, for whatever it is you feel WE did to you specifically. You came here, though and whatever your assumptions are, I understand that there is no arguing with you or reasoning with you beyond you are the victim of some unproven atrocity. 

- Xzfgiiimtsath#6669 - Hellcat#0186

(19:15:15) Ditty: pronouns are not stupid shit (19:15:19) Kunty: They are (19:15:21) Kixy: Yes they are.

[localmagicalboi]

He’s so unapologetically himself?? Like, you’ve written such a specific type of outward confidence that is just infectious to read. I just… I love one astrological magical boy.

                      ✨ @lovedefiant for WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE THING ABOUT THE LOCAL MAGICAL BOY DISASTER! still accepting.

and the thing is… he’s so downtrodden and beat up by life that he’s literally forcing himself to be this way. it’s a very fake it til you make it approach that he’s taken. about 3 years ago he was very meek and mild and let everyone walk all over him like he was a doormat. now hes decided to take control of his life, even tho a lot of the time hes like ‘hmmmmmmmmmmm existing sure is shitty and i hate it!’

but he pushes through…. always does gjgdjkl like he has to, at this point.

is he living in his own personal hell? yeah………. is he gonna show any weakness??? Nope , except to people he knows he can be vulnerable around. that’s not many folks tho

[loucifieri]

NDRV3 HPA AU characterization notes

(also added some additional details on their character designs :D) I already made a character guide of the kids here, but after writing a spontaneously updated fanfic about their school/dorm life, I now have a better grasp of how to portray them in this AU. More under the cut~

Family headcanons here

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The HPA AU comics I’ve been doing admittedly focused more on certain characters, so I’ve hardly thought about how to flesh out the others. To remedy that, I wrote a chatfic that revolved around them as a class and what started as something ‘just for fun’ turned into something a bit more serious, complete with plot and drama (which is strange for something in a chatfic format lol).

Kaede Akamatsu: The cheerful, charismatic and kind pianoholic who promotes friendship and cooperation, earning her the position of Class Representative. Selfless and empathetic to a fault, but can be quite pushy and bossy. Behind her confident facade, Kaede is insecure of not being able to live up to her responsibilities believing that all she’s ever good at is playing the piano, going by a ‘fake it til you make it’ attitude so as not to disappoint the people that relied on her ‘leadership.’ She has a tendency to be tactless towards people when very annoyed or under extreme stress.

Add: While not a very good cook, Kaede is an experienced baker.

Closest friend/s: Shuichi (childhood best friend), Rantaro, Kaito, Maki, Kirumi, Tenko (she is at least good friends with everyone in class tho)

Shuichi Saihara: The meek and soft-spoken detective in training who eventually fills the role of assistant class rep to Kaede. Cool-headed and intelligent, Shuichi shows promise of being proactive and responsible, but has difficulty in asserting himself due to confidence issues. He can be very emotional, prone to easily cry when overwhelmed by negative emotions. He also struggles with depression at times, although he tries to hide it as best he could. To people he is close with, Shuichi can be quite sassy and would joke about his ‘emo aesthetic.’

(When Shuichi wore his hat, his necktie is the standard red one)

Add: Shuichi is an avid fan of all things detective (looks up to Kyoko Kirigiri, has a sizable collection of Nancy Drew Books and Detective Conan Manga, retweets a lot of Sherlock Holmes quotes etc.)

Closest friend/s: Kaede (childhood best friend), Kaito, Maki, Kokichi, Kiibo

Kokichi Ouma: The self proclaimed supreme leader, he is a compulsive liar and prankster, fond of being disruptive and annoying towards his peers. While he tends to lie a lot, it’s not as outrageous and over the top (like in-game), and he would never push the buttons of anyone who was already distressed. Behind his outward unpleasantness, Kokichi cares a lot about his classmates, often calling them out on their bad habits (albeit it’s also in an unpleasant way) and looking out for them in his own unique way (which is subtle, at most). He dreads showing this side of him to class 79, as this was a sign of attachment on his part and this was only reserved to D.I.C.E members initially.

Add: Kokichi doesn’t know how to dance.

Closest friend/s: Rantaro, Shuichi

Maki Harukawa: The surly, unapproachable ‘assassin’ who is the walking definition of a tsundere. She dislikes socializing with her classmates, mostly because of her inability for small talk and difficulty to relate with her peer group as she spent most of her time dealing with children (in the orphanage). Maki is blunt but not unkind, and may be occasionally dismissive but (secretly) greatly appreciates those who reach out to her. Being emotional is Maki’s greatest pet peeve, making her great at compartmentalizing and repressing her emotions.

Add: Maki was physically conditioned and trained to be an assassin but it was for her to be Motion Capture stunt girl for an assassin-centric game. Has not killed anyone in real life, but physically can if desired.

Closest friend/s: Kaito, Shuichi, Kaede

Kaito Momota: The loud-mouthed and passionate astronaut who likes to give pep talks more than Kaede. Kaito pretty much keeps the class lively with his dumb antics. Despite his air of stupidity, he is quite street smart and a good judge of character.  He has patriarchal views on gender roles, naturally irking most of his female peers. Additionally, he is hot-headed, stubborn and very competitive. True to his very upbeat and positive persona though, he dislikes showing weakness/ appearing weak. Kaito suffers from Tuberculosis, hence he coughs a lot.

Add: Kaito makes the best omelettes.

Closest friend/s: Maki, Shuichi, Kaede, Ryoma (one-sided)

Rantaro Amami: The lax and enigmatic adventurer who likes to meme, apart from traveling the world. Rantaro has a big brother vibe to him, but can be quite silly at times. He is fond of recounting experiences about his travels, often retelling them in a more imaginative version. Despite his nonchalant approach on everything, Rantaro is very particular on people’s perspective of him. He craves to be an important figure among his classmates, just like his central role on his siblings’ lives.

Add: Rantaro has a Youtube channel where he makes travel vlogs in the style of Bear Grylls’ Man VS Wild.

Closest friend/s: Tsumugi (middle school bestfriend), Kokichi, Kaede, Kiibo, Korekiyo

Kirumi Tojo: The responsible and mature maid with a strict adherence to her creed on selfless devotion. Kirumi is very capable of doing any (reasonable) task given to her, completing them with practiced efficiency. Taking her talent more seriously, she appears impassive and mechanical to her classmates. Her maid schtick is actually a conscious effort for her; beneath the carefully-maintained frigid and collected persona is a shy and anxious Kirumi with personal whims and ambitions. She has a sense of humor and would sometimes tease her classmates in some way or another (which always takes them by surprise). She can be quite condescending and judgmental when pushed to the limit.

Add: Kirumi is a closet bookworm, and has a collection of cheesy, young adult romance novels (may or may not own some raunchy ones).

Closest friend/s: Ryoma, Kaede

Korekiyo Shinguji: The studious and aloof anthropologist who revels in the beauty of humanity. Kiyo likes to observe people, mentally taking note of the intricacies of human nature, although this hobby of his isn’t taken kindly by some. Ambitious and resourceful, he spends a lot of time reading to further his knowledge. In turn, he is quite socially inept and often scares away any ‘potential friend’ with his intelligent ramblings. He is very close with his sickly older sister, but gets annoyed with her fussiness.

Add: He is a capable illustrator, often adding sketches on his journal of anthropological notes.

Closest friend/s: Rantaro, Gonta, Angie

Tsumugi Shirogane: The quirky cosplayer and talented seamstress with a habit of referencing popular and obscure pop culture stuff. Tsumugi is an avid fan of a lot media, from games to animes to TV shows, both western and japanese, often spending most of her time in her room to indulge in her fandoms. She also has a tendency to break the fourth wall and would reference the ‘NDRV3 canon universe.’ Tsumugi is quite insecure of her geeky side, and is a bag of nerves when under the spotlight. She is cowardly and unable to stand her ground, often playing for both sides in an argument in an effort to please both.

(the only one wearing the HPA uniform without modifications lol)

Add: She is a big fan of Junko Enoshima (a fashion blogger with her own brand of clothing).

Closest friend/s: Rantaro (middle school bestfriend)

Ryoma Hoshi: The stoic and detached Pro Tennis player who is very fond of felines. Ryoma likes to spend most of his time alone and would often disappear to god knows where. He is responsive when in conversation, talking in a melancholic tone. He is profound and insightful, open to giving advice freely to those in need. While very patient, he is vindictive and unforgiving to those who wronged him horribly. His whole family was murdered by a mafia group (leaving him with just the family cat) and he has since personally chased leads that will bring the perpetrators to justice. Despite his pursuit of the killers, he is not interested in delivering justice on his own and merely conducted his own investigation to aid law enforcement.

Add: Ryoma has a folder of cat game apps on his phone, his favorite in particular being Neko Atsume.

Closest friend/s: Kirumi, Gonta

Gonta Gokuhara: The gentle giant with a fascination on animals, particularly insects. Gonta is good-natured (very kind, polite and honest) but naive and childish. In spite of this, he cannot be easily tricked by Kokichi and would sometimes even join in on roasting him. He wants to be a gentleman and really tries his best to exhibit qualities of such. While not academically smart (being raised in the wild), he has extensive knowledge on flora and fauna. Gonta has bouts of self-doubt, believing himself to be incapable of anything. He can be very hard on himself and would do reckless things to prove himself.

Add: Contrary to most of his classmates’ impression on him, Gonta is not technologically challenged. He plays Overwatch in his free time (he mains Bastion).

Close friend/s: Ryoma, Korekiyo

Miu Iruma: The lewd and brash inventor with onion skin. Miu is outspoken and campy, often considered obnoxious by her classmates. She likes to make dirty jokes and projects an air of self-importance, but is also quick to deflate when reprimanded or talked back at. Being neglected her whole life, Miu wants attention, hence her over the top personality but this in turn made her a deplorable person. She spends most of her time building knickknacks to stave off the loneliness she feels. Over time, she does try to be less of a difficult person.

Add: Miu doesn’t know how to swim or ride a bike (but she can invent something that will keep her afloat on water and something that can keep her balanced on the bike).

Close friend/s: Kiibo

Kiibo Idabashi (not a Robot): The well-meaning and pacifistic Robotics Engineer that has a difficulty in relating with his fellow humans. Kiibo has lived a very sheltered life and has not been exposed to any social interaction with his age group prior to his enrollment at Hope’s Peak, making him quite stiff and robotic. He is very shy and apprehensive at speaking in class or called to recitation. He is also wimpy, but can get very defensive of his robotic creations.

Add: Kiibo missed out a lot on his childhood, so class 79 would often indulge him on what he was deprived of (like having pizza, playing tag and watching animated films).

Close friend/s: Miu, Shuichi, Rantaro

Tenko Chabashira: The energetic and cheerful aikido master who loves to defend girls from the degenerate MENaces. Tenko loves to be active, often encouraging the girls to exercise (especially those with a sedentary lifestlye). A fiery character, she wears her emotions on her sleeves and reacts strongly on impulse. She has a on a hair trigger temper, especially if the aggressor involves a guy and has a tendency to be physically violent. Tenko’s distaste towards men in general stems from a dark past: she and her mother suffered abuse from her own father. Her mother was eventually murdered by her father in front of her (at a young age) and after her father was subsequently locked up, she was taken in by her mother’s friend who was matriarchal.

Add: She is an adept shogi and chess player.

Close friend/s: Himiko, Angie, Kaede

Himiko Yumeno: The resident sloth who also happens to be a magician (er… mage). Himiko is very lethargic, dislikes doing almost any physical activity, often trying to weasel her way out of doing assigned tasks and the like. She isn’t dismissive of social interaction though, and is quite talkative when you start a conversation with her. She loves to watch youtube videos and web series, particularly korean drama. She is good at math, and would tutor Angie and Tenko when pestered enough.

Add: Himiko is ambidextrous, and can seamlessly use chopsticks with her left hand.

Close friend/s: Tenko, Angie

Angie Yonaga: The eccentric and bubbly artist with a deep devotion to an obscure religion. Angie is a pious devotee of Atua, and is willing to provide for the spiritual needs of her classmates. She loves mentioning unusual habits and customs from her island home, such as blood sacrifices and orgies. Hardly anything fazes her, this nonchalance and ignorance being considered sinister by some of her peers. Even with the best intentions in mind, she sometimes used religion to get what she wanted.

Add: Angie owns four horses (named War, Famine, Pestilence and Death) that Hope’s Peak allowed her to keep in school (for some reason). Their stables were located at the student/staff parking lot.

Close friend/s: Korekiyo, Tenko, Himiko

Great Gozu: The former Ultimate Wrestler is now the homeroom teacher of Class 79A. Despite his intimidating physique, he is gentle, patient and very supportive. He becomes quickly attached to class 79A and is quite protective of them.

--

And now for the romantic relationships~ (I inadvertently retconned some stuff from the HPA AU comics in the fanfic version apparently, I’m not very good at slow burn lol)

Kaede//Kirumi: Both of them are altruistic, though one is out of pure selflessness while the other due to moral obligation. Kaede is the first to develop a crush on the other, mostly out of physical attraction but it’s Kirumi that first falls in love between the two of them. Kirumi is mostly drawn to Kaede’s comforting presence and empathic nature, and is impressed with the pianist’s diligence in perfecting her musical craft. Kaede admires the maid’s dedicated work ethic, and is very enamored with Kirumi’s elegance and grace. Kaede’s considerate nature holds her back from pursuing Kirumi head-on out of respect for the maid’s seemingly unshakeable adherence to her creed of selfless devotion, while Kirumi struggles internally in balancing her whims and sticking to her creed. This results in them tiptoeing around their feelings towards each other.

Shuichi//Kokichi: One lies while the other exposes the truth. Kokichi, despite his growing interest on the detective, denies his feelings. Shuichi, initially unconfident about his chances with the supreme leader, takes the leap and reveals his feelings first. Kokichi is drawn to Shuichi’s intelligence, good-natured personality and cute face (and he may or may not have a detective kink). Shuichi is drawn to Kokichi’s complex personality, considering it a mystery puzzle only he could solve. Both Kokichi and Shuichi suffer from insecurities that the other deserve better than themselves; Kokichi believes Shuichi wouldn’t fall for him because of his complicated personality while Shuichi thinks Kokichi was in love with the more appealing Kaito, somewhat resigned he has no chance.

Kaito//Maki: Polar opposites and yet both hide the same thing; one relies on outward emotion to hide a weakness while the other represses emotion to hide a weakness. Kaito is greatly drawn to Maki’s independent and capable mindset but struggles with his own sexist mindset. Maki falls for Kaito’s endearing personality, but struggles to make sense of her romantic feelings. Eventually, they both overcome their weaknesses. Maki is the first to fall for the other, and while she is also the one to confess her feelings first, it was Kaito who first changed his ways, learning to be less sexist. Maki avoids Kaito when her feelings toward him intensified, but this unfazed the astronaut and remained wooing her consistently.

Tenko//Himiko: Polar opposites that balance each other out. Tenko and Himiko may have been the first pair to be immediately drawn to each other but they are the last pair to be officially together. Tenko’s more active lifestyle gets Himiko to reconsider her lethargic nature while Himiko’s relaxed attitude grounds Tenko’s overactive nature. Tenko was drawn to Himiko from the get-go, and while the smaller girl was initially annoyed by the aikido master being insistent, she eventually warms up to her. They subsequently act like girlfriends, but surprisingly their ‘official’ get together doesn’t happen til later.

[others to be added lol]

[snarksuke]

💲💦

sex+romance headcanons!

Would my muse ever date/marry/sleep with someone because they were rich?

he wouldn’t admit it but absolutely he would. if they were offering at least. he’s not going to beg but he’s one of those folk who would think on it and come back with a “it’d be financially irresponsible not to”. he’d try a ‘fake it til you make it’ approach as far as the person themselves goes tho. he’d feel guilty enough for getting into the situation so if he can turn it around on that front at least he’d feel a little better about himself. he wont but lying isnt new.

At what age did my muse lose their virginity?

16 and its a whole fuckin thing and i need to take some time to figure out how exactly im gonna flesh out the whole situation. his relationship with sex in general is weird but he’s a teenage boy and thats a very difficult internal struggle to deal with.

[eleord]

How plastic am I?

I feel often as tho the answer is: very. I can trade in my traits for others, I can act as another person and become them. I can become the “It” girl, the goth, the genius academic simply by conscious decision to behave that way.

I feel as though I have shaved off and smoothed over my own facade to paint on another, and in my head the painting is always better than the reality. I make a poor imitation, and the people who come to these identities genuinely notice the paint peeling fairly rapidly.

There are differences between identity and behavior, although both can be treated as aesthetic. The “It” girl is just her phone and the brand of her purse, the goth eyeliner, and academic copious amounts of coffee. Anyone can have these elements painted on, but they don’t an identity make. Similarly, good behavior and bad behaviors are aestheticized. Buttons about recycling. T-shirts about being mean before coffee.

Is identity immutable? I do not know - I do not understand my own, and I am far from reaching comfort with the elements I can acknowledge. Slowly the shaved bumps are growing back, but I recoil in horror and fear because I no longer feel like they control what they signify, despite that feeling being forever false. I cannot engineer what people read from me, and I am trying to shift my priorities towards supporting and maintaining myself, including my identity.

But the fantasy! The dream that I could write my own story with myself as the main character playing any role I desire. The grief when this fails, again and again, the self-blame, the sick hunch that my project is hubristic and wasteful beyond belief. And the feeling of emptiness when the fantasy drops.

This? I’m supposed to be satisfied with this?

Well, yes.

I think I like engineered patterns because I can understand the form behind them. If I engineer myself, I can understand myself, and I can feel satisfied in that understanding. But again, the assumption in this line of reasoning is false. I do not have control over who I am, in the sense that I cannot control what textures feel good against my skin, what tastes I like, who I find kinship with. I am a natural creature, and the form of my underlying pattern is complex and difficult to read. Surely there is enough there to study, to become familiar with, to bask in.

But the self-blame and sick hunch are replaced by boredom. Without a fantasy, without a dream, with only the slowly unveiling reality of the flow of components that arise from me, I have no longer the high hope of becoming Something Great and instead a feeling of difficult monotony.

I shaved down the imperfections on my facade for a reason - I did not like that they were there. My acceptance of their return is begruding still. I hear so much talk about self-love and self-care, but that too feels inaccessibly aestheticized. I cannot put a stamp on myself that says “healed” and call it a day. Perhaps there will occur some form of Stockholm syndrome, in which being stuck with my uncovered, unremarkable self will turn into some type of love. Perhaps the fake it ‘til you make it approach will turn results. Perhaps I will be bored of myself my whole life.

Perhaps I am at a stage of minimizing and relieving discomfort, and this is a boring sort of love. Painting on the image of others was not a neutral act, and my brain and body are recovering as I peel away more layers of inappropriate paint. I throw away the expired makeup that never felt right on my skin. I donate the clothes that don’t fit my body or myself.

Can you actually give anyone the aesthetic elements of another’s identity, or is it like introducing a new lifeform to an established biome, likely to reek havoc on the balance that had been achieved through a long process of settling into equilibrium.

And maybe when I have most of the extraneous removed I will access beneath what is true about me, and find comfort and happiness in accurately performing myself. Maybe the boredom is the boredom of the destruction that comes before restoration, and maybe in the restoration I will find joy.

But I am scared of myself. I am in communication with an external world - I am not an island - but the false paint was applied by me. The hatred that drove its application was felt by me. The dullness of the process of re-configuring might be wearing down out the sharpness of these feelings. Do I control them? Or is my ability to engineer myself out of self-hate another one of my fantasies.

There is a hope: behavior, although aestheticized similarly to identity, can change, and although the affects of these new behaviors are not the immediate ones promised by a new coat of paint, they do effect change on my brain and body. On what feels like a geological timeline, but I have managed to learn at least to trust that the process can have an impact.

Hope and work and numbness and pain and forgetfulness and sudden memory and emotions I don’t understand and the horrible grip of understanding and the boredom that comes with it.

Bleh.

[xsinnersneversleepx]

FAKE LOVE EXPLAINED

I tried to interpret the scenes from the start to the end, hope it helps you guys figure out a thing or two. Tho I'm not saying these are %100 correct, I don't think even BTS is sure what all these means (no offense ofc) because as far as I know BigHit prefers to leave it to your imagination mainly. These are just my thought, the things refering to the past events are mainly shaped by other theories I watched and read so please don't say "this is wrong, this never happened" people have different theories.

We see the flower in a cage kind of thing, maybe to secure it inside, secure the guys whom the flower represents. and we see Jin closing the curtain on Jungkook's face, which seems to me like it gets too hard for Jin to just keep watching his friends' pain, at that moment, Jungkook looks kinda lost, maybe crying and even angry for Jin left them (unwillingly ofc) then we see Jin's observing room (call it heaven, purgatory or somewhere else idk) just blow up. Jin then covers himself on the cage which holds his flower, his friends. Even tho he closed the curtains, we see here that it doesn't mean he no longer cares for them. I didn't really figure out RM's part, it doesn't look like it has stuff to do with the story we've been told. But the handles (?) on the left looks like he was the one the boys were hanging on after Jin left. We see J-Hope in the next scene. He is in a room surrounded by fair toys and some fun stuff but he doesn't seem to touch any of them, he just sits in between them all, it kind of gives the message that he cannot go back to the fun times he had when Jin was still there but he doesn't want to forget them either. He then holds the door for someone is trying to force open the door. We saw RM from the key hole (in the scene change) he may be the one trying to open the door, since RM seems to be the one they held onto, he may be trying to get him out, make him keep on living. The thing falling from the key hole may have something to do with RM's effort to do so. Then we see Jimin in front of a faucet, which is not very unfamiliar since the last time he was in a bath tub, now if you watched the reels, Jimin has done something bad and feels guilty for doing so. His link with the water maybe because he's trying to clear himself off the guilt. We see Jungkook looking down from a window, seeing Jimin. Jimin looks back at him, and Jungkook realizes that he can't do anything for Jimin, he has to let him be, and he slowly rises. We see Jin leave after he makes sure the flower is ok, then Jungkook starts running, trying to run from the ground going down. it looks like Jin left his duty to Jungkook, seeing him leave. The first scene can also be interpretted that way. Jungkook maybe running from his responsibility, given by Jin, since he himself is not yet ready to overcome the reality that Jin is gone. We see V then, holding a phone which after a second turns to dust or maybe sand. This maybe a nod to that back then after he stabbed his father, he called the boys, probs RM. But now the phone simply turns into sand, we understand that it is too late. We see Jungkook being somewhere above where V is, just like him being above somewhere Jimin was. Now we see RM touching the mirror he was looking at, in which he sees JK, he's in the other side of the mirror. Just like Jin being somewhere else watching the boys, now JK is doing Jin's job. First Jimin, then V and now RM. RM being the one they held onto once, now with the touch of their hands, the duty is JK's. Looking back at the Run mv, he was the one realizing something was off, now he's the one to hold everyone together and maybe face something. We see Suga now in front of the piano and the guitar both of which we've grown accustomed to now. He throws away the guitar towards the piano, his emotions are even more intense now. We see J-Hope laying on top of a mountain of chocolate bars, surrounded by the fair toys, which means he's still in the room he was before. The one trying to open the door did not succeed and now he's living in there with the memories Jin left behind, numbing himself everyday, with the pills represented by the chocolate bars, til the day he finally sees Jin. JK looks at Suga now not from above but from his level. Cause Suga is depressive since the girl he loves is gone and Jin is gone but his situation is not as bad as Jimin's and V's whom were both under the ground. Tho Suga's thing with fire is not over and we see fire slowly starting, Suga seems indiffrent but this is what depression does. After that we see Jimin turning the faucet down and cutting the water. There we see a kind of waterfall thing, in front of it, there is a hill of sand and the cage Jin used to protect the flower. As JK approach, we see that the cage is empty, which means even tho Jin left, he still is protecting the flower. JK tajes some sand in his hands and suddenly we see that it flies away just like some petals or ripped of pages. We can say it turns to pages since we saw the little cage laying on some pages as Jin leaves. If not, the sand may be the sand V's phone turned into and that the only one that can help V is JK, turning the sand into some flower petals. We see a gateway opening inside the waterfall. That may also mean that JK maybe the gateway Jimin needs to get out of the water he's sinking in. Then slowly water starts to fill the room Jimin is in and a fire starts in the room Suga is in, as intense as his emotions deep inside. J-Hope is also crawling in all those pills-choco bars he relies on to keep dreaming. We see Suga smiling as he sees the fire, which shows the intensity of his emotions, he maybe happy to die in this fire. His key to survival or punishment, the phones are all over the room where V is, glowing the words, "save me", just like the rivers of water in Jimin's room, chocolate bars in JH's room and the huge explosion of fire in Suga's room, the amont of phones and them glowing non-stop shows that all of their feelings are going intense and we are not too far from the end. JK enters the room through the gateway then we see in the choreograhy Jimin and V walking around each other holding hands for a brief moment and then going opposite ways. That means JK can only save one of them, either Jimin or V or one among all of them (Jimin, V, Suga, J-Hope) In the room we see the hangers we saw in the singularity mv, which points at V. But we also realize that this room is Jin's room. This may point out that JK may be dead, or just there to take on the duty Jin gave him.  We see someone waiting for him. This person is probably V, seeing the hangers and his hoodie (V is the one wearing this hoodie in the photocards) Now that JK entered the room, Jimin's room is being filled with water. And V is there to say "save me". This may mean JK will save V but in the expense of giving up on Jimin. At the end we see V raising his hand as if calling for help and JK holds his hand from his wrist, then V suddenly pulls back his hand, leaving JK's hand raised up above, meaning JK himself also needs help. But still, choosing who to save is still up to him.

[boyquet]

tulips2kiss replied to your post: I LOVED YOUR QUESTION SO MUCH THAT I'M BEING...

bruh Ami is so underrated tho, take the Ami approach to college and you got that shit on lock. CHANNEL YOUR INNER AMI

I KNOW!!!!! I love her so much but like damn i wish i was as driven as her! but hey fake it til you make it right?

[rainbowoffics]

FIC REC’S OF 2017 part 4 (march-april)

Perfect Storm by cherrystreet (80k) CHAPTERED 

What do you do when your best friend asks you and your (now) ex to be the best men at his destination wedding? You can either tell him the truth, tell him you’re not together anymore, and deal with the consequences, or you can pretend you’re still together and roll with it, just pray you don’t spiral. Fake it ‘til you make it. You know, for the sake of the wedding.

Harry and Louis choose the latter.   FAKE/PRETEND RELATIONSHIP WITH A TWIST

You Always Seem To Bring Me Light by sinisterist (18k) CHAPTERED

He jumps when he feels a hand stroking his hair lightly. “I love it like this,” Louis murmurs, reaching to tug a wayward curl.

“Love what like this?”

“Your hair.” Louis’ touch is hesitant, almost reverent, all trace of humour gone now. “When it’s still kind of damp but the ends are dry and curl up like corkscrews. It’s supposed to look gross but it doesn’t.” He pauses before continuing quietly. “Your curls are so lovely.”

Harry swallows. Louis is a hurricane, and amidst his whirlwind of emotions, he slowly says; deliberately says, “So are you.”

In a world where YouTuber baker Harry pines for the (inconveniently taken) Louis. In other words, another YouTuber AU.

Emperor’s New Clothes by sunsetmog (92k) CHAPTERED

The fact that Louis’s most precious belonging was a cat with a face like thunder and an uncanny ability to cover every single inch of Louis’s clothing with cat hair was something that Louis chose not to think about too much.

or: Harry’s a pop star and Louis isn’t, and there’s a non-disclosure agreement where there used to be a relationship. SECRET RELATIONSHIP

Flour And Chocolate by teaandtumblr (145k) CHAPTERED 

It was nice, for a bakery he supposed.

Then he approached the display cabinet.

And the foreboding slammed into him. Because every product had letters next to it. Letters. GF, DF, V, O, VGN.

What. The. Fuck?

Lifting his eyes to the chalkboard menu spread across the back wall Louis felt physically ill. ‘Gluten-free’, ‘organic’, ‘vegan’, ‘paleo’, ‘dair-…’ Wait, what the fuck was a paleo? He had entered some hipster-trash establishment and it was more than time to get out.

OR Louis is a single dad and Harry works at the newly opened bakery down the street. KID FIC, SINGLE DAD!LOUIS, BAKER!HARRY

Needing You More And More, Let’s Give Love A Try by supernope (33k) ONE SHOT

'Do not get hard, do not get hard,' Harry chants in his head. It’s working, but Harry still breathes a silent sigh of relief when Louis lets go of his wrists and clambers off of him. He doesn’t move for a moment, just watches Louis fuss nervously with his fringe before saying, “Why don’t we go walk off breakfast?”

Harry only hesitates for a second, then nods. He gets to his feet with a quiet, “Be right back,” and heads back to his bedroom to get dressed. Once safely enclosed in his room, Harry glares down at his belly and scolds, “It’s bad enough that you’re messing with my body temperature, do you have to mess with those hormones, too?”

There’s no answer from the baby, but Harry takes that as surrender. Pausing by his bed, Harry takes a second to shake off the residual, lingering embers of arousal before choosing an outfit for the walk. He’s already pregnant with a stranger’s baby, the last thing he needs right now is to be lusting after his best friend.

[OR when Harry gets pregnant after a one night stand, Louis helps him get everything together, from buying pregnancy clothes to taking him on a babymoon. Somewhere along the way, they realize that their feelings for each other are more than platonic.] MPREG!HARRY, FRIENDS TO LOVERS

May You Enjoy Your New Life by aimmyarrowshigh (264k) CHAPTERED

It begins for them all at the bungalow –

'Alright, time to lay out the cards. We’re in this together and hopefully, for the long haul, yeah? So I think – you know, we should just be honest. It’s deal-breakers time. That thing that like, if we’re gonna hate you or something, just tell us all now.'

When One Direction begins, Harry Styles is a sixteen-year-old boy foundering under the pressure of impending fatherhood. His ability to balance the sobering responsibility of caring for his tiny daughter, Millie, and the exhilaration of seeing his own dreams coming to fruition affects not only his future, but those of Liam, Zayn, Niall, and Louis, who never expected fealty to be the key to their success. But Liam is the first to show him how to grow up without growing old, and Zayn is the first to defend from the public what is private and precious. Louis -- Louis is the first for a lot of things; for most of the moments of Millie's life and for the moments of Harry's that matter. And Niall is the first to toast when Millie is born: Go maire sibh bhur saol nua -- 'may you enjoy your new life.' KID FIC

The End Should Be A Good One by bananasandboots (43k) ONE SHOT

t doesn't feel like falling in love, the way it had felt the first time around, easy, simple, almost like floating, wrapped up in a whirlwind of touches and kisses, late nights spent laughing breathlessly into each other's skin. This feels broken, complicated, like every move carries the weight of their past. Like the floorboards beneath them could collapse at any moment. This doesn't feel good.

Or, the one where Harry loses the love of his life on New Years Eve and finds him again, six months later, ready to open some poorly-stitched wounds. EXES TO LOVERS

See Clearly Now by Awriterwrites (11k) ONE SHOT

“My eyes are up here.”

What? Was— was Louis flirting with him?

Harry looked up — much too slowly, probably — and saw Louis watching him, his mouth quirked up on one side, a grin threatening to steal the pretty curve of his mouth.

“What?” Harry squeaked.

Louis put his hands on his hips, almost challenging Harry to look again, “I said...my eyes are up here.”

Harry felt something electric pass between them. He felt the need to take a step forward, call Louis’ bluff, see if he was more bark than bite.

Biting sounded really fun right about now.

OR a five-times fic where two guys, one college dorm room and a faulty door lead to a few embarrassing situations and finding out more about themselves and each other than they ever bargained for. ROOMMATES

In This Light by exhilarated (99k) CHAPTERED 

Harry is a wardrobe stylist who likes to live in the moment, and Louis is a popstar who looks dreamy in double breasted jackets. Harry never stood a chance. FAMOUS/NOT FAMOUS 

Carried Away Like Butterflies by waytoomanypeopleintheaddisonlee (17k) ONE SHOT

“Actually…” Liam said, scratching his chin absently. “I have a friend who is moving to London soon.” “Without anywhere to live? Who is it? Do I want them living in my home?!” “You met him at my birthday party. Harry, from Cheshire. Remember? Really tight jeans, curly hair down to here?” Realisation dawned on Louis, staring at Liam who was gesturing round about his nipples. Did he remember Harry? Did he remember Harry? He remembered Harry’s square front teeth biting into his collarbone, and he remembered Harry moaning, loud and obscene with no provocation. He remembered Harry dropping to his knees at the edge of the bed and roughly pulling Louis closer. He remembered, vividly, Harry’s lovely plump lips wrapping around his- “Lou?” “Uh- what?” Louis said, startled. “Oh, yeah. Um, I think I remember him.” - It was probably a huge mistake for Louis to let his former One Night Stand move into his spare room, especially when said One Night Stand doesn't seem to remember him. ROOMMATES, PINING

Life Was A Song, You Came Along by rainbowninja167 (37k) CHAPTERED

It's embarrassing how long it takes Louis to recognize his own song. Niall had sung it as a bright, hopeful love song, and that’s honestly how Louis had always assumed it should sound. But this new voice, slow and rough, stripped of any backing instrument, has infused the lyrics with just the tumultuous mix of fear and defiance that Louis can remember so clearly from the night he wrote them. It’s not a comfortable thing, to feel like someone is singing all your secrets back to you.

Louis is a songwriter trapped in a lie that could ruin his best friend's career. Harry owns a record store, distrusts everyone in the music industry on principle, but loves Niall Horan's newest album. A modern retelling of Singin' in the Rain. SONGWRITER!LOUIS, MUSIC STORE OWNER!HARRY

Now You Know Me (For Your Eyes Only) by nadinecestmoi (77k) CHAPTERED

AU, Where Harry and Louis are solo artists and they’re not exactly friends per se but they’re friendly, know each other from industry parties and things like that and there’s always been this weird unspoken sexual tension between them and Louis’ always kinda confused bc isn’t Harry the biggest ladies’ man in the industry?? And one day Harry asks Louis to collab with him and of course Louis says yes even tho he’s kinda surprised and Harry plays the song for him and Louis is completely blown away by how beautiful it is and it’s a love song and he’s like damn, whoever this is about is lucky as fuck bc it’s clearly written from personal experience so they spend all this time together recording and it’s super bittersweet bc they click right away and it takes Louis about three seconds to realize he has a huge fucking crush on Harry but on the other hand Harry clearly had someone in mind when he wrote the song so the last day of recording comes and Louis’ like “thanks for having me on the song” and Harry just shrugs and is like “well it just seemed fitting bc the song is about you” SOLO ARTIST!LOUIS, SOLO ARTIST!HARRY, FRIENDS TO LOVERS

What’s Stopping You? by kikikryslee (14k) ONE SHOT 

That shirt was what held his attention again. How many other guys had the same shirt that H and Harry had, and – wait. H… Harry. Harry did yoga. So did H. They both had the same shirt, and had both gotten home ten minutes ago and were cooking dinner. No way. Louis looked at the picture again, and stared more closely at H’s lips. They were pink and pouty, with the lower lip a bit plumper than the top, just like Harry. And H had brown, curly hair that reached his shoulders, just like Harry. Louis looked over at Harry, who was putting his hair back up into a bun as the kitchen was most likely getting warmer. “Holy shit,” Louis whispered. Have I been flirting with my own roommate all this time? --- Or, the one where Harry wants to get over his crush on Louis, so he makes a Grindr account to find someone new. Of course, Louis messages him, not realizing H's real identity. It only takes a few days for them to figure it out. FRIENDS TO LOVERS, ROOMMATES

Can’t Start A Fire Without A Spark by larrymylove (22k) ONE SHOT

Louis Tomlinson is the pop sensation with his first new single out since taking a personal hiatus from the spotlight. Harry is a paparazzi hired to photograph him during promo. Louis hates paparazzi with a passion, but there’s just something about the pretty young pap with wide green eyes and chocolate curls that Louis can’t shake from his head. ENEMIES TO LOVERS